Branston Pickle

Introduction: 
Anita (Nell) won a jar of Branston Pickle at a local Ottawa ping and was unsure what to do with it and somewhat dubious as to whether she'd like it or not. She made a seemingly insignificant comment on Annie's Guestbook regarding the pickles. The tale begins.....

Hmm.shame on you....no muddling needed here...We ran out of Branston part way through the week and life, or my butties anyway were VERY dull indeed....Maybe we need to swap sarnie recipes? You heathen, you! LOL 
Alan/Tinky^, UK, September 5

Al, funny you should bring up Branston Pickle to me - after last night, I'll be very guarded about what I say in future! This is what happened... 
Late in the night, I woke to the strains of "When Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". The music was coming from downstairs in the vicinity of the kitchen. I threw on my robe and tiptoed down to investigate. Peering from around the corner of the hallway, I saw four fat, colourful 'creatures', clustered around in a circle and making a gurgling sound. They appeared to be discussing something rather urgently. I stood back and watched, not wanting to disturb them lest they should become violent. It soon became clear that the purple one was their leader. He seemed to be doing most of the talking and from what I could make out, he was saying something about "the treasure". With chants of what sounded like "My left cheek", the others followed him to my fridge. I watched in surprise as the purple one opened the door, rummaged for a few seconds and then gave a gasp. Whatever he communicated to the others was met with more gurgles, indecipherable to me. When he turned from the refrigerator, he held two jars, pickled onions in one hand and Branston pickle in the other. More chants of "My left cheek" followed and the group seemed genuinely jubilant at this find.  I next saw them huddle around the closed door of the refrigerator and the yellow one, being nearest to it, appeared to be sweeping something over the front of the fridge at the direction of the purple one. On a signal from the leader, the others stood back and nodded approvingly to each other. Then, without warning, the creatures scurried out the back door, giggling and gurgling as they went. I was left to stare in horror at the ugly brown letters smeared on the fridge door: Branston Pickle Liberation Army (BPLA) strikes again! 

The ugly realisation dawned on me that I had been insensitive to Branston pickle lovers everywhere. I had been wrong to state my ill feelings about the strange brown condiment in a public forum. Perhaps I'd been even wrong about their taste. In any case, as I returned upstairs mulling over the strange events of the last few minutes, I vowed that one day when my taste buds were ready, I would try Branston pickle again.... 
Anita September 5

Oh, ANITA, shame on you. Just as I was going to lend you my support in your declaration that not all pickles are either sacred or compulsory, you recanted in the face of protests by pickle people. Stand up for your rights, gel! If humans were meant to eat the hellish relish, mother's milk would come salt-and-vinegar flavoured. Well, maybe yours did, Tink, but mine was chocolate flavoured like all normal people.
Dale, New Zealand, September 5

ANITA!!!! You must have been sniffing those jars a tad too many times. Sounds like you have run across mutant relatives of RDeb's coral. Personally, I love branston pickle with meat pies - YUMMMEEEE!!! Not a fan of the onions though. 
Surlie, Newmarket ON, September 6

Anita ROTFL... BPLA!! You've been watching RToyah!!! Tell me AAMOI, are those nightmares usual or only after getting in a pickle ;/)!!!!! 
Tinky, September 6

Dale, after I reflected on the whole episode, I realised the truth of what you said. Trouble is, the situation has become worse - much worse! This afternoon I had a leaflet entitled "Relishwatch" shoved under my door. At first, I didn't think much of it. Then the phone rang. The woman on the other end identified herself as a member of the underground group, 'Citizens Against Pushy Pickle People' (C.A.P.P.P.) You are probably familiar with them, I hear they have offices in Wellington. Anyway, she informed me that her organization was standing by to give me protection! Well, I told her I was not in need of protection as she seemed to think and that I had no wish to become involved with an extremist group. She then informed me that I was being watched. I was incredulous but she insisted there were BPLA spies all over my neighbourhood! 

All the while I was talking to this woman, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd spoken to her before but I couldn't place the voice. (I hate when that happens!) She was most insistent, so insistent in fact that I finally agreed to meet her at the local shopping centre this coming Monday morning. (She requested that I meet her sooner but I had to tell her I don't believe in Sunday shopping.) Anyway, the part that really got to me was when I hung up the phone, I took a peek out the front window just to see if there was any evidence to support her wild assertions. This is the part that scared me -- across the street, a bevy of curtains twitched closed in unison! Shivers went down my spine as I realised that my telephone informant was speaking the truth - they are watching me! 

And so Dale, at this point, I'd be grateful for any support you can offer, I am really unnerved by all this! 
Anita, September 6

Dear ANITA, - GASP! I wish you hadn't mentioned the C.A.P.P.P. My dealings with this organisation have led me to believe they are not all that they seem. In fact, some have murmured that they are in fact an undercover wing of the Branston Experimental and Subversive Terrorist group (B.E.A.S.T.). Founded by the dreaded renegade food technologist with a chip on his shoulder, Carlos the Pickal, this group were amongst those whose unnatural experiments established that Branston pickle, when boiled for three hours with the addition of a common household cleanser at a crucial stage of the process, transmogrifies into a lethal plastic explosive.

The hideous explosive concoction has become a favourite with terrorist groups world wide and INTERPOL has linked recent attacks in Afghanistan and Liberia to B.E.A.S.T. by the lingering aftersmell of vinegar around the bomb site. 

These are ruthless people, I'm afraid. They are constantly seeking new recruits for their vicious cause, and if you don't agree to join them and manufacture their diabolical Branston Bombs, Anita, you become a target for their venom. ANITA, I beg of you, don't go there! For one thing, if you agree to manufacture Branston plastic explosive in your own home, you'll never get the pickle pong out of the drapes. 

I must go, I've said too much already. 
Dale, September 6

I'm in shock! I've just opened the Listener magazine to check on next week's programmes and they have sacrificed Corrie to put on loads of Commonwealth Games rubbish! We'll be in withdrawal down here in Aotearoa. Perish the Commonwealth, I say, if you want to hold us loyal to Mother England, just show Coronation Street as usual! It's enough to make a girl eat Branston Pickle 
Dale, September 7

Gosh, Dale, I didn't even read your warning until just now. But stop wringing your hands, I have some good news! It wasn't until I got to the mall this morning for the arranged meeting that I realised, being Labour Day, all the stores are closed. Naturally, I hated to abandon the best parking spot I've ever had but as the place seemed deserted, I figured there was no point in staying. Suddenly, a motorcycle roared up alongside me. Startled, I turned to look at the driver. It took me a minute to recognise her, but yes, it was her! There beside me, dismounting from her bike and removing her helmet, stood none other than Samantha, resplendent in leathers! I cut the engine and sat speechless as she strolled over to my car. Before I knew it, she had opened the door and hopped in, seating herself directly behind me, and was breathlessly apologising for being late. I turned to say something polite, ("Oh, that's ok, I only just got here myself...") but she cut me off mid-sentence. She told me to drive around, she didn't care where. Then she plunged right into the reason for our meeting. 

As I circled the mall parking lot, I was only able to catch glimpses of her face by glancing in the rearview mirror from time to time as she told her story. And what a story! She'd become addicted to Branston at an early age and blamed it for all the ills in her life from the orangish tint of her skin to the mood swings she'd suffered more recently. After listening intently, I gently interrupted to ask a question. I wanted to know the reason she'd been so mean to everyone during her last days on the street and particularly, why she'd lied to Des, letting him think she was pregnant when she wasn't. She hesitated before telling me that she hadn't set out to deceive anyone, that she had sincerely believed she was pregnant owing to her "pickle problem". I was left to assume she must mean it had something to do with 'cravings' as the look of pain on her face told me not to pry deeper. 

In light of your words of caution, I should probably take the rest of what Samantha told me with a grain of salt. However, even if the organization she now works for turns out to be connected to a subversive terrorist group, after spending the morning with Sam, (she wants me to call her that) I'm convinced that she is on the level. She told me that her involvement with C.A.P.P.P stems solely from a deep and abiding desire to ensure that people everywhere are free to eat only the pickles they want to eat. Call it a gut feeling, Dale, but I sense that Sam is one of the good guys. :-) I'm to start training at C.A.P.P.P headquarters tomorrow and I even have my very own code name, get this --"A-triple 3-8"! Of course, I'm not at liberty to tell you the specifics at this point, in any case time doesn't permit. Sam and I are going to take in a matin‚ this aft -- turns out, neither of us has seen Something About Mary, so catch you later! 

P.S. I did find out in passing that the group you mentioned, B.E.A.S.T., is actually affiliated with C.C.A.A.A.P. (Coalition for Citizens Adamantly Against All Pickles) and not C.A.P.P.P. But don't worry, Sam says lots of people confuse the two. 
Anita, September 7

Branston Pickle (Crosse and Blackwell) Quote from the jar!!! "A delicious accompaniment to Cheeses, cold cuts and hot meats. Questions 1-800-387-4636." (Note phone # Anita!!!) "Ingredients Sugar, Rutabaga, Carrots, Malt Vinegar, Onions, White Vinegar, Cauliflower, Water, Dates, Salt, Zuchinni, Apple Puree, CornStarch, Tomato Paste, Gherkins, Caramel, Lemon Concentrate, Spices. 
Delicious with Pork Pie (Presidents Choice) or Cheese and Onion Sandwiches."
KeithP, Holland Landing ON, September 7

SO that's a chuckle, KEITH, the main ingredient of the dreaded Branston pickle seems to be swede turnip which goes under the alias of rutabaga in your part of the world and is mainly used as cattle feed in this part.

So SAM has brainwashed ANITA into pickle acceptance! This is terrible news! That orange woman has a lot to answer for. GUY, let us know if there's anything we can do, but I'm afraid this obsession may just have to run its course. We may need to arrange deprogramming for her. 
Dale, September 7

ANITA, is it time for you to have a wee lie down? ROTFL!! 
Surlie, September 8

ANITA & DALE: You two are too much for words! ROFL BTW, I love Branston just between two slices of bread and butter.:-)
 Bubbles, Toronto, September 8

By the way... Branston Pickle is manufactured 100 yards down the street from me....! 
Annie, Scotland, September 8

I'm also a fan of Branston Pickle. It's quite a price here, but my family members bring some out each time they visit so we are well stocked. I love it spread on cold roast pork sandwiches. I also love pickled onions. My husband bought a jar from Marks and Spencers just last week and they were awful! I prefer to make my own as I like them crisp. These were just sodden. 
Felix, Dartmouth, NS September 8

I knew I'd forget something with that cookery book posting - I think we should add a section for ANITA & DALE - 1,001 Ways to Enjoy Branston Pickle!! Submit under that category if you like - "for real" recipes and humourous ones both accepted. :-) 
Jan/Bubbles,Toronto, Sept. 9

What on earth is going on? Rutabaga detox for Anita! An essay on 1001 ways of avoiding Branston pickle (avoid it at all cost)! Roy preparing himself for an 'affair' with Hayley! What next? 
Ian Charnley, Spencer-jax, September 9

ANITA: You have really started something with your rail against Branston pickle! Why, just this lunchtime I happened on a group of rather large Swedish chefs, excuse me, a rather large group of Swedish chefs, all brandishing formidable-looking cleavers in one hand, and a mesh bag full of rutabagas, carrots, cauliflowers and onions in the other. 

They were all muttering under their breath, but I did catch some fragments. Stuff like" taken der rutabagen und puten in der potten " and, " throwen in der caulifloweren und mixen mit der cleaveren ". They didn't half look angry with their furrowed brows, made worse by the roiling clouds overhead. 

Well, the clouds opened up and it started raining cats and dogs (I know this because of all the poodles on the ground)! The downpour was brief, however, but it did nothing to quell the unrest among the group. In fact, it made them much worse because their chefs hats immediately began drooping as the starch leached out. Passers-by snickered at first, but the snickers soon migrated to guffaws as the hats, one-by-one, drooped enough to cover the eyes of each and every one of them! 

The chefs were livid, but the worst was yet to come. They had all stored the other ingredients under their chefs hats. With the rain, the corn starch, sugar, caramel and apple puree all mixed together and ran down their faces to gather at their moustaches. Yes, every one of them had a large, bushy 'tache! Well, with the hats flopped over the eyes and great gobs of gooey brown stuff on their moustaches, they looked like something from the Muppet show, only worse. 

As one, they whipped off their hats and began firing vegetables at the bystanders. Just then a bus pulled up with a curious destination sign on the front - CRAPPY - OTTAWA! Now, you may take umbrage at the remark that Ottawa is crappy, but I assure you that I immediately consulted my handy-dandy acronym translator. CRAPPY actually stands for: Chefs Revolting Against Picky Pickle Yobbos! Look out - they're coming! 
Ian, September 10

Those swedes are known as Rutabagas here!! Why were they brandishing Ward, June Wally and the Beev.? Don't tell Anita about PanYan!!! 
KeithP, September 10

Eeeek Ian -- thanks for the warning! Samantha and I are ready for C.R.A.P.P.Y. and we have a secret weapon waiting! 

Training camp was very, very thorough, the final segment being a three-hour seminar on 'Active Retaliation against Swedish chefs et al', (A.R.S.E.). It was in this class I learned that turnips have been secretly cultivated the world over since the end of WWI under various names: "Brassica rapa", "rutabagas", "turnips", "reeps", and in some countries they are even known as "love beets". They were the primary ingredient in the 'H-bomb' and 'Agent Orange' was derived from their juice. 

Our basic strategy in defending ourselves against the turnip people must be in disarming them. We did the turnip peroxidase experiment in one of our lab sessions. As you know, this entails the use of 1% H2O2, guaiacol as an indicator, and turnip blended in distilled water - about 1 g/100 ml. When the baselines hit 0.5 absorbency after 10 minutes, we were chilled to realise that these turnips had sufficient peroxidase activity to be really dangerous! Therefore, we devised a scheme to drain turnips of their most ominous ingredient, their juice. To this end, we were all armed with bushels of hypodermic syringes and assigned the task of de-juicing. As you will imagine, this is no rinky-dink operation. Between the Top Bananas, Market Fresh outlets and the Farm Boys, there are more than 50 produce stores in the Ottawa area alone! Grocery store chains are being handled separately, loyal members of our league already being in their employ as undercover agents. Of course being a world-wide operation, it's merely a question of time and manpower before the Branston Pickle in its present form is eliminated. 
Anita, September 10

ANITA & IAN: Could you please cease and desist with the Branston Pickle bashing? How dare you try to rob the British of their number two aphrodisiac!! Next you'll be on the rampage trying to rid us of our beloved brussel sprouts. If Britain had wanted zero population growth, she would have outlawed Branston and brussels years ago. Those silly clots on Coronation Street think red wine is the ticket to heavenly bliss....fools, I say, fools. Branston lives!! 
Bubbles, Toronto, September 10

Branston Pickle is an acquired taste and should be taken slowly and in relatively small doses to start with, try a small piece with some Caerphilly Cheese on some brown bread. Increase the doses carefully and re-evaluate the situation after a week. If Branston Pickle is still unpalatable, try same with 2 pints of Guinness. If still no joy, give up, it's not for you! 
Jubblyjub, Queensland Australia, September 10

ANITA, you must have had a long day in training yesterday judging from your posting time! Boot camps can be so stressful, dear, i hope you are eating proper meals from all four food groups (which you can get from just one serving of Branston pickle it seems!) 

All this talk and subterfuge has persuaded me to try and seek out the pickle itself. I'm sure it can be had for a price around here somewhere. Is there an black market contact just in case??? 
Diane/tvor, Nova Scotia, September 10

I see the Branston Pickle debate rages on! I like it (in verry small doses) with a Ploughman's lunch, but I still miss my Strub's kosher pickles...wonder if they would consider a long distance delivery? 
Susan, St. Albans UK, September 10

A Plowman's without Branston is like fish without chips, strawberries without Cornish cream, Curly without Raquel, Anthony without Cleopatra, Webster without Booth, England without cricket, apple pie without ice cream. . . . need I go on?!!! BRANSTON RULES ... OK. 
Mary, Halifax, September 10

re Branston pickle. Haven't had any in years but I do make a chutney that is very reminiscent of Branston, doesn't have the whole baby onions in it though and it doesn't have rutabagas. Would never have dreamed that was the staple ingredient. Recipe's on its way to Bubbles for the cookbook 
Eb, Hamilton ON, September 11

BRANSTON PICKLE! Love it with cheese! (Cracking cheese Gromit!) The best stuff is imported from the U.K. They make a version in Canada which is okay, but not like the real thing. 
Rick, Dewinton AB, September 11

As an afterword to the Branston pickle saga, I haven't heard from Sam now for a few days. We parted company after Operation De-juice was complete. Strangely, my neighbour's Siamese has been missing since that day, as have all my jello moulds. I'm not accusing Samantha you understand, but the coincidence is somewhat unsettling. I heard on CNN (yes, they actually do report on non-Clinton/Lewinsky events from time to time!) that the Swedish chefs had to retreat to their respective kitchens and are now on PK duty until their mustaches grow back, but that's another story! ;-) 
Anita, September 14

ANITA - Don't get in a pickle whatever you do [groan].. relief is at hand.. or in a jar anyway!! 
Alan, September 14

Ian, take it easy.... McDonald's hasn't got a chance of getting into Harrod's - unless of course, they add the McBranston Burger to their menu and I think even McD's wouldn't do that to us! ;-) 
Anita September 16