Unlike the "real" Guestbook, Chronicles threads are shown in chronological order, so you should read from the top down.
Clora was... well, how can I describe her? Should I even try? Perhaps it's best if you just read her postings, and those of others who took to her like a flea to a dog. The cleaning lady creation of one of the most fertile minds on our guestbook really needs no further introduction.....
Eer ya bleedin mutt!...ger offer me mop...scoot afer I givs ya a push, eers a biscuit...stay outa t'way. Oh ello Ducks..mind ya wipe yer feet! Owse t'family? met sum feller a t'corner shop yessidy...'ad ears like tat Dr Spook on t'space films...im n' iz cistern wuz 'ollerin ta beet t'band over summat...same as me 3 spawns t'home...all growed butt 'angin onter me pinny.T'twins ar t'worst ..Anvil was gettin a rite poundin by 'is bruther Arsend ...me girl Murine iz walkin out wif a nice Irish chappy ew 'as said ee luv t'take 'er 'ome to Banger! Well luvvies I need ta fetch s'more javel water to wipe sum Rvark leeks on t' telly., Trah Ducks
Wotsh me buckit afore ya spills t'mop water gi over ya big galoot...n stop chasin t'cat!...T'flamin place 'ere iz a zoo!...Oh 'ell now ya dun it...dern neer nokked me on me assets! Out!...O 'owdee Ducks...mine ware yer steppin...'and me t'pink flaminko duster...tah. was down t'markitt n bot mesel a pare off nikkers n saw R'Sally...bruvver wa a snot...ad er noze so 'igh in t'air yewd fink sh'wuz "Lady Muck" Ere wassis on t'pianny?...note frum sum Bloke colls issel Tinky...souns like wun o t'dwafs..heeheehee! saze I can 'ave t'bottl a'sherry lefft'over frum Annies partee...ow totful ov 'im! methnks I'll 'ave a guzzle...ew luverly, jes luverly...wonder ifta boombox az sum countree mewsic?...I takes "lion dancing" at t'comoonity center ya know...aaaaaaky braaaaaky 'art...yer braaaakin meeee 'aaaaart!
Ello Ducks, Its me Clora taken a breever n' Jes sittin 'ere wif me tootsies up 'aven a cuppa n'readin a email frum me cistern-in-law ew lives in Cannyda...er name iz Dulcie ew wed ' enry's bruvver Bert. Bert ownz "Crank Pest Control" in Stroud, Ontario n wans ust t'take a trip orv'r fer a vizit. Nevver bin t'Cannyda...farvest I bin wuz " Glorias Glossip" mmmmmm!
Yee gawds...tis place iz in wurse shape den Noahz aardvark Jes lookit t'mess!...Well Clorie me gurl bett'r shake a leg n'start t'cleanin...t'sooner I takle it t'sooner I'm dun.! now wares me winder skweegee n'spray... O 'ello Ducks...mind yer feet n'keep yer mitts orfer me clean winders er ye'll be wearin me mop 'andle!...twas at t'grocers yessiday skweezin me melons n t'produce sextion wen I 'eard a rite comotiun in t'a meat ile, heehee Fat Fred bumpt inta t'meat grinder n rippet ees pants...ee 'ad to wear ees aprin back t'frunt...poor beggr din't know if ee wuz cummin or going hahaha...well Ducks I'm orf ta see me travl ajent t'book me 'ollerday in Cannyda. trah!
Uppp n awaaayyyy into taaaa wile bluuuuu yawnderrrrrr..lalala...teedle dee dee!...O 'owdee Ducks.... T'kittles on iffen ya wan a cuppa....mine ware yer steppin...I jes 'oovered and t'cord is still plugged in...I 'ope ya don't need ta uze t'barfroom... t'lady ew calls erself Jiggly iz in t'loo, tole me she wuz messajin er possims..sez she foun em itchin t'smornin n now sheez dowsin em wif
Fleece powd'r...mus be a new bran on t'market...I ner 'erd of it afor ..mus be fer folks 'llergic to wool !...scuse me fer a bit.....Ey you in t'loo I needs me mop water topped off...knock knock!...Ello?....Open t'bleedin door !.......
'owdee Ducks...jes popped inta see wha kinder mess t'place iz in...itz me day orf n I 'ave a Dr.'s poinmint roun t'corn'r. Las time i seed 'im ee said I 'ad a rabbit pulse n ee waz concerted n tole me I shud "op along 'ome n'get sum rest....I 'opes ee sez I'm back t'reglar cause frankkly I perfers t'take t'bus 'ome...Twas plum tukker'd out lass time by t'time I 'opped all t'way 'ome
Tat Bleedin Phone 'asen't stopp'd ringin all day...ows I gonna ger any werk dun?...wun lass add t'nerve t'aks me iffen I need'd me ducks cleant...t'cheeky divil! Well I tole 'er strate orf tat I wood warsh me own ducks! n she sez "O my heehee I meen d..u..c..t..s az in air ducts" I wuz too smart fer 'er I wuz...cuz I Knows all ducks kin fly n ya caint 'ose a duck in t'air. I gess it twas 'er furs job cuz she caint spell werf a " p" neiver! Well luvvies time ta ger on 'ome n gret me 'enrys tea...Trah!
Tenshun!...Ok gurls fall inta lion...mop buckets full, mops up n'ferwert martch...hut 2 3 4 ...'Owdee Ducks, jes condukktin intaviews fer t'reeplace me whilst Im orf on 'oliday in July. I likes t'run a tite ship I duz...caint 'bide by slakkerz! Inez... be keerful of Rgraces busst!...Myrna stop pesterrin t'cat, n Gertie ger orf t'pianny yer no Gracie Fieldz ya know! Finola I sez t'clean t/bleedin bar not sample t'warez! Cor Blimey! Id af more lukk wif a band O'bleedin monkeez. Aw rite buckets up...sholdr mops ferwart martch,,,,
'Owdee Ducks! jes try'n me new laptop PC (pers'nal contrapshun) thingym'jig! "enry sez it kin 'elp me keep me finanshulz n'shayp...me finanshuls may be n'ord'r but me baks killin me leenin orver t'bleedin thing! I 'erd Rmartin iz bak to t'horspital I shud seez 'im bout gettin xrated! Eez muvver-in-law duz me 'air at ta saloon...talk bout yer mary widow...orf galivantin ta Cannyda n now sheez playin up t'Fat Freddys tuna. Aint seed Les roun fer a bit neivver proply pine'n fer t'Dob s cow...I sez g'riddince but I duz feel sad fer tat kid orf'erz Tyfoon...wunder if ee waz get inna storm?...Any road Ducks I'm orf t'me bowlin leek, so T'rah...Clora
Strewf!...Wat kind'r daft monkee leff dis bananny peel onta bleedin floor?...neer kilt mesel...good job dat beenybag chair wuz 'ere t'brake me fall...O 'owdee Ducks! nice t'see ure. I'll 'ave to rub me leg wif lin'mint t'nite. T'lass time poor 'enry got sum on eez widefrunts n I tot ee waz doin t'limbo heehee! I guess I'll kip onta sofa t'nite poor beggar walk'd stiff legg'd fer 2 days! I bin takkin "Dikshun" lessins frum ta cumoonity cent'r spos'd t'elp wif me speekin cause 'pparentally t'peeple in Cannyda 'ave funny aksentz n caint unnerstan T'Queens English, sews I wantz ta be reddy fer t'em wen I goez on me 'oliday...! Me teetcher iz impress'd wif me cuz ee tole me "No wun as ev'r test'd iz mind like me n ee sez ee iz " reddy t'buy t'farm n xpire!" Duz me 'eart good t'elp an ole Bloke.
Taaaa norvern liiites off olll Abberdeeen arr 'ome sweeeet 'ome ta meee!...O 'owdee Ducks I wuz jes talkkin t'Rannie an t'song stukk in me 'ead. Lotsa fings 'ave bin changin onta "Street" t'skirt chasin Steeve az mov'd bakk wif eez Dad... I swairz t'man iz a saint...eiver dat or eez still concuss'd!...Put t'kittle on like a deer...ta. I needz t'sit fer a bit...'enry uzed me mop bukket fer fishin n I 'ad to rassle a flamin live fish an it plum wore me out...ad ta put ta big begg'r in t'warshin mashine wif 'enry's sox...I guess ya mite say "We iz 'aven sokk eyed sammon fer supper hee hee!
P.S. ""enrys sox was soakin in fresh water in me ole ring'r warsher...t'fish was'n ajitat'd or nuffin. Sorry iffin ya got t'wronk imprussian! Ta Clora
'Owdee Ducks! Jes sittin 'ere waitin fer me lady pal Fanny Finkel...we usta go t'skool togevver. Fanny wuz widdered lass year...any road 'er n me iz goin t'see LucianoPaulverotti t'a Oprah sing'r t'nite. Paulverotti really turnz me crank haha! Ta lass time we seed 'im ee got a standin ovulation! Gotta run luvvies Fanny jes pult up in er ole folks wagon...Trah
Oooh solo me ahhh I moppa ta flooor...I'll breaka you headdd if ya cooomz to da dooor!...Jes tink I could 'ave bin onta staje stead o bein a char, but likes any good muvver I razed me kidz n forgoed a career...I joint ta Oprey societee wif R'Ayley but t'ey asen't foun a part fer me yet, but I over'eard t'men sayin me singin wuz like a siren in wartime. I guess ee ment like ta forties film stars...'ollywood callt t'em sirens! Fanny n me poppt inta Roys Rolls lass nite fer a cuppa n a bagel a sorta 'eavy roll wif a big 'ole innit...I ass'd Roy if ee ad sumwun nibblin on iz buns n ee sez iz privit partz wuz nivver expozed ta strangers..so I show'd 'im me bagle n ee wen red az a lite onna broffel an ee said t'tea wuz on t'house n shuffeld orf. Any road Ducks I'ave ta run n getz mesel a bavin costume fer me trip t'Cannyda so Trah fer now.
"Elp me mop 'az bin mopnapp'd, wunder iffin I leff it on t'bus?...OOOh! t'was me favrite mop wif t'chipp'd andle frum wen I clobbert t'at Tinky Bloke fer placin eez drippy aarvark orver annies tresured chest. Ah t'ere it iz in t'umbrelly stan hee hee!... I 'avent fount a baving custume yet...yessiday I wen t'see sum at t'market n seed a sine wa read "We specialize in Bikinis...We Sell only the Tops" I 'urry'd by there qwik nuff! I fink p'raps I'll take me ol wun t'Cannyda. Well Ducks I bett'r gi a move on cause Fanny n me are goin out t'nite t'see a pianny consert..I luvs wen a good "peanis" tinklez onta iverys. Trah fer now...Clora
Ello Ducks! Boy did we 'ave a near embarassin moment t'day ...Lass munf me fren Fanny sent 'enry n me a invite to sum do call'd a Bar Mitzvah fer er gransun. A speshul Canter was bein flowd in frum Lundin. Me an 'enry t'ot we wuz goin to a "Duded Rantch, so we show'd up, me wearin me lion dancin rigout an 'enry in eez cowboy gettup ... terns out t'address twas a Jewish Cinemagogue n all t'lads n Blokes wuz sportin lil caps n ti wimmin wer ware'n fansy frocks. Anyroad we took orf fast afor we wuz spott'd an went 'ome t'chanje. We 'ad a great time n t'cap dey gave 'enry did a fine job coverin eez baldspot hee hee. I even lern't a Yidisha wurd...Muzzletoff!
Git orver ya Bleedin mutt afor I gifs ya watt fer! Yer rite lukky itz me mop I'm wringin n not yer nek...ain't alf tempt'd sum times... moof yer Duff!...O 'ell o Ducks dinnit seez ya coomin in...mine t'wipe yer feet now er ye'll be feelin me mop...heehee! Bin 'aven a time findin anuvver char whilst I go on 'oliday...I assed RVera but she az anuff wif T'Roverz n Jack, n RMaxine caint clean er own earz wif out a manule! I'll ave to put an advert in t'Wevverfield Gazette...ummm... Char need'd, muss be cheap an availabl fer July. Perfer uprite & well-bred gurlz...! reply to Clora at 002 - 14 24 34. Bettr gi mesel orver te t'Kabin an let Sharon post it afor I goez 'ome. Now fer a spotta tea!
"Ello Ducks, Itz me Clora tappin on me puter. I ad 2 replys t'me advert in t'Wevverfield Gazette....T'furs wuz a old'r lady name a Florrie ew sed she wuz visably impard cause she az Cat-trakks on er eyes but I tole er t'coome anyroad fer an innervue cuz I gotz crows-feet on me own eyes an looks aint gonna stop er frum doin a good job! ....T'uvver wun ad a muffin in t'oven, numb'r 6, an I fink sheez bin to well bred heehee!....Aw t'phone iz ringin agin...seez ya lat'r Ducks. ...Clora
'owdee Ducks.jes got 'ome frum Windsor Cassel...'ow I luvs a weddin! I bott 'ome a soovyneer too, a picyture of Ed & Soapie onna mug. I also got 'enrys "Fawvers Day" Giff a profane BBQ...waht a job bringin it 'ome onta bus...t'driver wuz ornry but I tolz 'im ee wuz lukky I dint 'ave gas t'fume up t'bus az well, an ee finaly let me 'elp 'im carry it on. Well Ducks itz time fer me t'put me 'ead down so "appy Fawvers Day...Trah Clora
'Owdee Ducks! Jes doin me larst shiff 'ere at R annies afor I invaydz Cannyda wif me charmz hee hee! 'enry yewzed iz new profane BBQ on Sundy... ee 'ad a time puttin it togevver... summat bout 'avin trubble wif eez spanner an eez nutz kep fallin orf, an den ee ad t'get tank'd up wif sum profane gas afor ee could fire up t'BBQ. Any road ee got it goin an we all enjoy'd a game of kriket on t'lawn followed by bruiz'd ribz n corn onta cop. Well me lil Ducks Fanny iz goin t'drop by R annies whilst I'm away n chek up onta cleanin n I'll pop roun via me lap top...Trah fer now I'm orf t'get mesel a new Kodiak Camra.
Owdee Ducks, Jes takin a breever n 'aven a cuppa. I bin busy wif me pakin fer t'oliday n warshin piles o lawndry. R Murine iz takin a leaf ov abstinance t'clean R annies place whilst I'm in Cannyda. Yer won't belief t'carryactorz ew want'd t'be me fillin.... won lass waz sew daft if I gave 'er a penny fer 'er t'awtz I'da got chanje back...az me muvver wood say t'motor iz runnin but t'aint no won steerin! Twas at t'Corner Shop urlier on, t'at Neeta Dizzy iz a rite snarky tidbit ... bout az frenly az a hampst'r wif hemmeroids. I wuz skweezin sum oranjes n she tole me t'stop 'andlin t'fruit n buy jewce cuz t'at wuz wat sheed end up wif! Ev'n ol Rejjie dinnit mind iffen ya skweez'd 'is produce an ee wood even let ya weigh 'is nutz! Gawd I miss t'good ol daze. Well Ducks I bettr gi back t'warshin me piles n bleechin em... Me plane leeves 'nite! Trah Clora
Berfday wishes fer R Jacqueline... I gifs ya 21 Mop saloot (I round'd up sum hairyport cleanerz)...OK Gurls less do it...Sholder Mops an SALOOT! ps me webby page az bin updated Trah Clora
Happy Birthday Graham! Happy Birthday Canada!...Mary Jane, you are not a twit I repeat not a twit ! as a matter of fact you are one smart cookie dear girl!...Clora landed safe at the airport in Toronto but the flight crew looked a might peakish haha! Take care one and all...CC
CLORA CRANKY: Hope you are enjoying your time in Canada, I do not intend to spoil it but felt I really should let you know how your Maureen is doing in her role as cleaner ' hextraordinaire' in your absence.......
The first thing I noticed when I walked into our front room was GLORIA'S BUST. Altho we had left it propping open the door, it had been moved to in front of the fire and next to it was a rather satisfied looking SCAMPER :( The bust is..... well, mucky, to say the least and I would hope that Maureen will give it a good clean. Now, next to the fire, where the stereogram is, I notice Jill's Bob Dylan L.P.s left out of their covers and The Rattler's 'Men in Black' Video, opened and left out on top of them. Then their is Dazzle's armchair where we find some of Annie's old cider bottles stuffed down the back of the cushions!! On seeing this I raised my eyes to the heavens and what did I see....... Jacquelines Bra and Knickers hanging off the lampshade!!
Strewth! At this point, I really should have just walked out and phoned you but really needed a cool glass of water, so I went into the kitchen - I should not have!! Oh dear, Dazzle where are you? In your absence, having left your ginger beer bottles unattended, they have popped! 'Stuff' all over the ceilings and walls - its a shocker!!!! However, I did bump into Bubbles in the kitchen (as you know she has been cooking for the past 6 months in an attempt to 'trial' all the recipes in the Corrie Guest Book Cookery Book). She was looking decidedly green so I suggested she pop into the bathroom, but she said that Tinky's Aaardvark was in their - apparently in shock when witnessing Dazzle's popping Ginger Beer Bottles!!!! You know how The Aaardvark drips when it gets excited - well apparently it does the same when it is in shock, so there it is staying - Maureen may need to take an extra mop in there with her!
I did try to send you an email from our computer here, but when I sat to do it, I saw that Elaine had dribbled Pineapple Sundae all over (and in) the keyboard and the ants that had previously been gnawing at her discarded apple cores had trailed over to the ice-cream and I really didn't want to touch the keys!
Moving over to the desk, I got out a pen and paper, but the paper had all been used...... someone called DARAN LITTLE had been penning the introduction to a book called "Real acting in American Soapies" but couldn't seem to get any further than that heading and TINKY had written "A short introduction to html" and had used up all 500 sheets of paper!! I was desperate by now, and tried to phone Anita to see if you had been in
touch: however the line was continually busy and when I asked the operator for the reason, she said that Anita had been on the phone for the past 3 hours talking to the "500 Meals for a Hungry Irishman" helpline! Clora, I have to say that at this point, I did not dare enter any other rooms here, but made a hasty retreat and have sent you this letter by Homing Pidgeon in the hope that it gets to you asap. Please ask your Maureen to come and clear up very quickly. We have our party here on Saturday nights (Toronto Time) as you know and I dread to think how it will look after that if nothing is done right away. Sorry once again to disturb your trip overseas, Clora, hope you can still enjoy the sights.
Jubblyjub Queensland, Oz
Oi Vay! So who is dis Jubbly person? This bearer of such news, God forbid Clora should read the message and come home to throttle the child...I'll send my maidel over to annies right after she prepares the "Gifilte Fish" tomorrow morning, Akh, mine heart is aching for mine friend such a pity!!...
Fanny Finkel Clora's friend Fanny
FANNY: How lovely to speak to you here. I certainly hope CLORA is not offended by my information on her Maureen, I was simply trying to keep her updated on how things were. Still, if you are going to pop in here, that would be great. On my way out, I noticed that TVOR had left her "One Thousand Ways to please a man in a Cowboy Hat" book on the mantlepiece (just under the red velvet wall hanging of Elvis) and Andrea's notes on "How To Get Robson Green to Run Away with Me" were also on there. Could you just tuck them somewhere safe Fanny, would hate to be in Maureen's shoes should they go missing!! Maybe put them in the midst of FRANK'S collection of 'Pawms dedicated to Rgloria" (they are the leather
bound papers that take up the whole of the west wing wall). Thanks for that Fan :)
JUBBLY Dont' worry about that book of mine, i have it scanned and zipped. that way all i have to do is UNZIP to explore the One Thousand Ways to please a man in a Cowboy Hat (subtitle, "And vice versa!")
Good Mornin' ter residents of the Coronation Street Guestbook. Beryl, here, Jubbly's cousin from Bow Bells in London. I 'ave ter say this, I've seen some sites in me time, but never, repeat, never 'ave I seen such a mess as this place! Oi! I understand the regular char is off overseas and that yer 'ave taken advantage of 'er apprentice. Well, yer should all be ashamed of yorselves. Any frog and toad up, I 'ave done me Mae West in 'ere, tidyed up all the soddin' rubbish 'round 'ere ('oo did yer 'ome decoratin' in this place - Steptoe and Son????) I've seen better furnishings in Billingsgate Fish Market than is in 'ere. Wot a tot shop! Right! Now, right, I've been 'right fru' but I'm not touchin' that soddin' fin' thats dribblin' in the up the apples and pears water closet. Bloody fin' ni on jumped me wen I walked frough the bloomin' door and "THAT" is "NOT" in me contract. I've left the bill on the chuffin' table - next ter the false teeff I found ( the Mutt by the bleedin' fire place 'ad them in its North and South) and expect it settled soon as I need ter get me leg out of the woodturners tomorrow.
......and who is this Tvor/Diane girl - seems like a bit of a bleedin' strumpet to me!
Beryl Plunkett Annie's h'offices, Norf of Watford
QwdeeDucks its mesel Clora chekkin in! We ad quite t'day 'ere Bert wuz firin up t'ole profane BBQ wen sum darft 'omin pidgin land'd on eez noggin n nokk'd isel out cold...we took im to t'vegiterian n ee cumm'd roun but eez concuss'd. Now ee finks eez a dog n chasez t'cat hee hee! I bin snappin me kodiak n will 'ave sum loverly piccytures t'put on me webby wen I getz 'ome in 3 weekz. Ps iffen t Tinky Bloke brinks eez drippy artvark ov'r T annies pleeze putz nappies on im! trah Clora a broad
Clora Crank in Cannyda
Oi! Beryl! We pay you to clean not give us yer opinions! :) anyroad, can't you tell a strumpet from a Spice girl??? (Fatchick Spice, that's me!)
Oy a letter I got today from Clora, what a lady she is! Her and Henry (Bless his soul) went to Niagara falls for the weekend and Clora got herself arrested for solicitation! Not knowing American slang . ..Haha dis is sooo funny cause she asked the Bell Hop to knock her up! ewww haha I think so I just sprung a leak...Maidel bring the mop quick. Any how it turned out ok when the Judge explained to her that in Canada "To knock someone up" meant to get them pregnant and then the judge took a good look at Clora and cracked up! Poor Henry cause he cracked up too as well as everyone in the courthouse. Oh mine heart!!! THis is to much ... Clora had her picture in the paper...oy vey I just had to tell you...so please a secret yes?
Fanny Fanny Finkel, Clora's friend
Dear Clora A wee note ter say that all is well hammer and tack in the Guestbook 'ome. Had a few 'iccups early on but all rectified n ow. I met up wiv the bleedin' luvly Fanny and yor Maureen and the ffree of us chars went 'right fru' the place. PINNY POWER RULES! Struth!! Oi!! Glad ter hear from Fanny that all is
well in Canada after yor spot of bovver wiv the lor. These fings 'appen. Jubbly in Oz tells us that there are similar problems wiv 'sellotape' and 'durex' as one means the uvver in Oz and England and there 'ave been some right strangely wrapped Christmas Gifts and likewise some even stranger wrapped ....errrum, right, we wont go there!! Oi! All us luv Beryl, Fanny and Yor Maureen
*Beryl Plunkett Annie's Place, Scotland
Note ter Clora Cranky: Wotcher Clora, hope yor 'oliday in Canada is gahn well. I 'ear yer kicked yor 'eels up on the weekend, some bloke from Ireland were over there. 'ope yer stayed off the bloody barley wine and didn't show yor knickers off. All is well at the home of the chuffin' Guestbook. Yor Maureen 'as done a wonderful Uncle Bob and tidies up after evry geezer nice and quick like. That Daran Wee bloke does tend ter leave 'is papers layin' 'round so Maureen gets in real quick and dumps them in the bin. Makes the chuffin' place 'ave a look right messy leavin' them layin' 'round. 'Ave a lookin' forward ter seein' yer come back, I'm hammer and tack in London now - yor Maureen is not so bad and Fanny keeps an eye out any road. Did yer spot that Adam Ricketty bloke in Canada, then, squire? I spot yor Maureen 'as a fancy for 'im and a bit of stark bloody naked photos of 'im in 'er bucket. I must admit, he is quite a 'ave a looker 'e is. How much longer are yer oray for Clora?
Beryl Plunkett East End, London, England
Owdee Ducks....gess ew! Yup I seed dat Deoink chappy at ter ping, ee wuz drinkin Cannyda Dry iffen ya getz me drifft hee hee! T'canukkies ar frenlee n knose ow ter frow a kneez up! One poor Bloke Gary now Know'd az Gimpy tor'd a figment in ees knee runnin fer t'take a piccyture uf sum ravver spirit'd ladees. I knose fer a fact cuz I wuz t'nex boof over wif weef n CC alonk wif dere menfolk; Len n Don, an t'ose gals wuz a singin n a swingin t'beet t'band. I metz Jaclin, loverly lass she iz, Bras ew 'ad a Berfday n 'er adorin 'ubby Groggy, Jone Mc Pozi. Randy Grannee...a lady wif gumtshun, Peeter n Magzy, RLeasa. Twiggylet
an we even 'ad a purpel guy by t' name off Twinky! .... It wuz a grate Ping n I 'ad fun!... Ta fer t'report Barrel, I'll 'ave t'giff t'at Duran jent a thump wif t'mop wen I cumz 'ome n show'im ews Boss hee hee!... Sew t'at Rikkerty Bloke pozed inta Bufferoo eh? Tells Murine not t'let Fanny see t'piccyture cuz t'larst time we wuz at Chippendales she t'aught we wuz goin t'see a Dizney film n she need'd a lectric cartiogram t'nex day! I am enjoyen me vizit 'ere but It'll be grate t'be 'ome in anuvver week. Tah fer now luv Clora
am 'ome n sufferin frum jet slag but 'ad a note on me lappy top t'at I ad sum frens in Norf Ameryca ew wuz 'aven a Berfday... Appy Berfday Nancy and Christine.... I saloots you wif me mop!...
Well 'ere I is at R annies frunt door!... sorta nervis bout what will greetz me inside hee hee! O me gawd ... t'plase is az neat az me drawers! Barrel musta bin 'ere larst nite a moppin n a dustin likes a whirlin dervitsh ... Watz dis on t'mantle? Aw tiz a welcum 'ome cart frum T'gang. I finks I'm gonna blubbr likes a baby ...what a buntch! Oops t'dog jes noted Tinkerz aartvark on t'pianny, Scamp stops chasin t'at aminal ...careful orf RGracies bust ... ya jest knoked t'bottlz offa t'bar n made a rite mess n strewd Duranz scribbls
all ofer t'bleedin place. Arold git offa t'chandyleir wif doze possims yer to 'eavy yer big galoot! ... wait till yer fovver gits 'ere ... ye'll bouf be dodgin me mop ... hee hee ... Gosh It'z good t'be needed! Welcum back Clorrie ol girl !!! Tanks Barrel fer lookin after t'place n yer cussin Jiggly in Oz.
Cor Blimey t'is wall muriel needz a good dustin... jes looks at dem copwebz ! T'aint seed a good cleanin since R'ilda wuz onta "Street". I wunderz iffin bleech wood git dem stainz orf. Oh ello Ducks I dint 'earz ya cummin in hee hee! me earz ar still ringin sins Friday wen I gotz me pinny cot inta Belfree ... ol Fovver 'Iggins tot I wuz gone 'ome n start'd tollin t'bellz. EE onlee noted me wen I doffed me knickerz n flagg'd 'im t'stop! Now I ain't menshun'd it te nobody sew keep it unter yer 'at. Any road tiz good t'be back
'ere at Rannies n seein yas all agin. Well Ducks I gotz t'meet Enry at 'Casualty R Martin sent a cablegram sayin Enry wuz at t'horspital gettin plaster'd ... I neffer knew t'ey 'ad a Bar ee will probably be 'ung ofer tomorry hee hee! we!l t'rah fer now Ducks.
Owdee Ducks...I am plump wor'd out runnin fer me Enry t'lass few daze! I foun 'im at t'casualty plaster'd ... seems on iz way 'ome frum Band reehersil ee fell n broke eez trombone az well az iz fibberella or summat. Any road ee iz confermed t'bed fer a bit. Tomorry iz muvver iz a cummin t'nerse 'im sews I kin get t'work. I wuz sew bizzy t'at I grapp'd t'wrong specs n jus seed t'can off talcum I rubb'd on Enry, it iz t.catz flee power hee hee ... watt a screem oh hahaha! EE mite be bitchy but ee won't be itchy.... ewww I dun sprunk a leek waaahahaha! Wherz me mop???
Watt in Gawds 'eaven iz t'at? ...souns like t'cat iz bein torment'd or summat! 'Ere ewz teesin t'at poor aminal? ya bettr qwit or ye'll be feelin me mop agin yer skull! O'fer peetys sake itz t'Bloke wif t'chin warmr Tinkky practissin eez flamin yoddling. Now cut t'at out ya hear ... yer scarin t'nayborz! Yewll git R annie eviktid wiff t'at racket or she'll get partishuned by t'counsil. Good job ee din go to Oztralia or ee'd be playin wif iz Dikkerydoo ..y'know t'em long nubby watzits t'Abordoriginals blow on t'make wind souns. Any road iffen ee don't stop t'coppers r gonna cart 'im orf too t'funny farm hee hee!
Re 'Arold.Tinkys aartvark: When 'Arold stood n saloot'd me mop ...duz t'at mean ee piddl'd on it? Iffen sew I 'ave jes foun a recipe fer 'Aartvark Stew" wif dumplins! Ya best get me mop fumerated afore I pops ya wif it hee hee! Clora
'Qdee Ducks, Ere I am at R annies tryin t'get t'place respiktable like! ... I gotz a lett'r frum me fren inta U.S. off A., she iz a "Gastronomical" lady ew finks she kin get paid fer starin tnta space, t'poor soul! Any road she mus be unner a lode o'stress cuz she also finks Pluto iz sumware in space ... even I nose Pluto wuz livin in aintshun Rome n workk'd in pollution control az a "Airorater" I fink t'ol gal needz a 'oliday! Speekin orf 'olidaze, T' Pratts n T'Bettrbys were in Wails n 'ad a lectrifyin time hee hee! seems R Les got eez wirez crosst n got t'shokk off eez life n poor Marty Pratt 'ad t'giff 'im artifishul persperaytion. Les iz bakk ta eez ole monkyshines onta Street Ah all iz well t'at endz well! I bes be on me way ... 'enry iz 'aven eez 'is plaster cast orf tomorry n I needz t'dunk 'im in t'barftub fer a cleanup ...sews till necks time "Orry voir" T'ats french ya know ... Trah!
August 20 (in response to Trolls who criticized Clora's posting in dialect and all the regulars who urged Clora to stay!)
Ello Ducks! Ol Clorrie 'ere wif tears in 'er eyes, I kin seed ya'll wood miss me iffen I retired sew I've dee-sided t'sweep t'em trolly types outer t'door n stays me groun! Any road az jojo sez I ain't reddy fer me penshun yet hee hee ! ... ps t'possims ain't arf bad but t'at aartvark, sheesh! Clora Crank
Welcome hammer and tack Clora. About time too! Honest guv!! Struth! 'ave yer seen the state of the bleedin' hallway there, isit? Yer leave that Aardvark alone for 5 minutes then 'e is drippin' all over the place! Right! Annie says the window cleaner is comin' ter do the chuffin' fronts today. Could yer leave 'is five quid inside the milk bottle on the doorstep please, then, eh? Saves 'im comin' hammer and tack for it tonight and seein' as we're 'avin' Toad in the bloomin' Hole and Spotted Dick we wouldn't want no interruptions would we? Any road, so like I say, right, nice ter have yer back, right, yer 'ad some of us a bit worried there luv. Don't forget ter have a nice cup of tea wen yor finished, right, there's a nice bit of Bread Puddin' in the tin too dear.
Owdee Ducks guess ews back! I figgered annies place could use a good cleanin after bein fumerated n all. Me bruvver-in-law in Cannyda as a pest control bizness, ee is offen callt to git rid of unwanted aunts. Fanny n me wus at a mewsical recatal lass nite ... amazin what t'maestro was doin wif 'is baton... Ee looked kinda stiff n nervis wif all t'ose chaps eyen 'is effery move. t'mewsic was mosely frum Mo's Ark n Fanny menshuned she wood 'ave enjoyed "Chopin" more an I tole er we could leaf n go to t'mall, but I don't fink she'eard me cuz we staid till a lady wif almos t'same name as me "Colora Atura" had 2 ovulations on staje. T'be 'onest I wood ravver 'ave gone to t'mall ! Well I'm orf to get 'enry's tea so trah fer now Ducks.
T'ats it! no more bleedin buses ... shift orver cat I needs t'sit down fer a spell n ketch me breff. O 'owdee Ducks can wun orf use make me a cuppa? 'Ad me bum pintched onta bus I did by a yung whelp I let orf wif me mop n gift t'at Bliter a good thumpin on ees noggin... EE was a ollerin n a pleedin fer me t'stop, nex fing I knowed t'coppers wuz rasslin t'mop frum me n tellin me t'back orf afore I got charjed wif assalt! Any road az soon az I whip t'is place inta shape I'm gonna fine me a driver n take a corse in defenseless driving!
Owdee Ducks, I jes got mesel a motor car, do ya remembers t'wun R Derrik 'ad wif t'paperclip onta roof? I bott it frum t'Stashunary place atta nockshun, It heeds sum fixin n cleanin an me son Anvil said ee could 'ammer out t'dints. I got R Kevin t'chekk it n Charlie sez ee can get it painted fer me ont'cheep. I wants it red n I'm gonna 'ave a giant mop put warer t'paperclip usta be. Les t'Bloke on T'Street iz gonna teech me t'drive, ee said ee can evven get t'permit. Ahh...t'M3 n me... az "Enry sez I will makes drivin 'Istory! haha!
Owdee Ducks! Well me drivin lesson fer tomorry 'as bin put on 'old till I gets me annuver teecher, R Les sez eed ravver anuvver lectric jolt t'en drive wif me agin! I wuz doin reel good be'ind t'wheel til I terned on t'ignishin n t'car jumpt t'pafemint n 'it t'fire plug. T'bloke frum T'utility crew ew wuz paintin it dropt t'paint on ees mate wen ee lept outta t'way but is mate wuz a real sore'ead n gave Les a swold lip. Any road I am 'open t'find a new drivin constructer, I fink I'll call t'Drivers Academy inta mornin.
"Ere Gents' 'ave a cuppa, I'm sure Tinky don't mine ya drinkin 'is tea!" ... Oh 'owdee Ducks, t'ese nice Blokes ar frum t'towing compnee. Me good fren Fanny Finkel let me drive 'er ole Folks Wagon t'werk n she wuz derectin me ... I sorta notissed she weren't well cuz she 'ad a tern inta motor n went all funny, I node it wernt cuz of me driven cuz t'traffik wuz all goin t'oppsit way frum uz. T'en Fanny tole me t'turn leff rite 'ere by t's time she wuz white asa ghost n shakin like a leaf! T'makw a long storee short, wen we finely got 'ere I made Fanny 'ave a lie down n calt t'towin place t'take er car 'ome. Wen she wakes up I'll sen er back inna cap... I 'opes she won't getta frite wen she awakes n fines t'possims in bed wif er! I fink t'poor deer should take a 'oliday fer t'at nervis cundishun. Any road time t'take me mop inn 'and n getz sum werk dun... Annie iz not won fer 'alf fast werk! Terah fer now Ducks
Owdee Ducks; I 'ears annies new place iz almos reddy fer t'gang t'moof inta! It will ave a " rectal:" room fer "T'Saterday nite dances" n T'Quiz Nites. I gotz a email frum "GAG" (Grayham. Annie n Groggy) tat me emplimentz will resoom wen I getz bakk 'ome. I bott sum toys fer T'em pesky possims n tat luverabull aartvark. I miss t'critters but dont menshun it T'Jubs n Tinky cuz I likes t'keep t'pair off t'em on t'ere toze! I wish annie n t'boyz good luck in t'ere new Digs! I cant sit ere gabbin az 007 ones said "I've spies t'shift!... Terah... Clora
Oh Clora luv, such a treat to hear from you. Looking forward to you being back with us full time. But do you think you could send your Murine or maybe Jubbly, could you get hold of your cousin Beryl to do a once-over? There's dog hairs all over Dale's chair and the aardvark's been at the loo again! One last sweep though before we move and i guess we'll need a part timer in the new place for a few weeks as well. I'll pass around the hat if need be.
'Allo there Clora, that luvly girl Tvor mentioned a bit of tidyin' gahn at Annie's joint and I wondered if yer wanted ter join forces and 'ave a bit of a go frough in there. Probably better if two of us go at it due ter the bloody soddin mess them aardvarks make, right, drippin' all over that Gloria's bust - poor lass! Any road, so let me know luv, Im still dahn in the bleedin' East End but as yer know can be there at a muments notice. Tara for now, girl, right, look after yerself luv. Yer friend - Beryl.
Oh me gord, forgot ter mention ter yer Clora - dont stand there gabbin' wiv them legs of yors, yer've got Varicose Veins ter shift! Right!
Message to Barrel t'silver Bombshell off t'East End! Iffen ya can tare yersel away frum t'rogues at t'pub I wood preciate yer orfer... remembers t'char ladys pledge of "Legions" All fer one and one fer all..Take up t'mop n heed the call! Cheers Clora Stroof, Clora, The Pledge of 'LEGIONS'? I will be there in Arfur Mo. Right!
Barrel Plunkett! Te pledge of "Legions" ya knows like when you swears legions to a country, flag or sum seekrit organism! Its like t'doctors hippocritical oath. I'aint the sharpest tool in t'shed are ya? Mus be all t'em cleanin fumes haha!... a little char humour t'ere. .. Clora
Owdee Ducks... members me? I drofe ofer t'annies new place n taut I wus inna "punkin" he he! I sorta 'opes t'deckerater 'az got ofer is 'igh feefer or climbed back onta wagon. Barrel Plunkett warned me but I nose she az a miss chevious steek in 'er ( she was quite t' streaker az a yung wipper snapp'r! Any road luffies I will be back t'werk n I 'opes fings getz back t'normal reel soon cauze rite now I'se doin dubble dooty wif 2 places onta go. Con grat yer relations t'Floid, Lorrain n wee Dan on 'Ayley Lizzes berf. Cork sorry t'ear off yer loss... EC Sue 'Appy Berfday ... I saloots you wif me mop! Juggy good luck in yer new positshun (not t'at one Mate ...I meens yer new job!
Fetch t'em buckets n watch out fer t'step ladder me fren Willow is doin t'shandyleer... screwin up t'lite bulbs! ECSue, shame yer couldn't sexsessfully change t'foosha colour curtins but they look nice coverin Drizzle's army chair, 'elps te 'ide t'greece stains! oh owdee Ducks jes bein t'ring mistruss at r annies new place..'elpin t'get fings in order 'ere. Tinker STOP playin wif Graces bust n tend dat aartvark...ees piddlin on annies treasured chest! Jubbles I nose yer shop serves petrol but did ya 'ave t'bake beans fer tea n "gas" up t'place...seems t'lot are cartin n fartin hee hee! Diggy Boy open t'winders t'let t'air in... Oh me gawrsh 'eres t'at TVOR lady pullin up t'walk wif anuvver load o "Boot Sale" junk... she musta cleaned 'er closets agin!... I spose t'gang will be partyin along all nite n leaves a mess in t'mornin. I better givs Barrel Plunkett n Fanny a call ... Blimy r Allslop fella jes drofe t'shuttle bus in wif anuvver load a annies pals...ELLLLP! Clora in a muddle at R annies, Hells Bells
OK ew's t'bloke t'at put koncrete mix in me bucket? Mus be t'at Daran 'elpin t'fix up t'street, ees allas playin trix on poor ol Clora 'ere... Well iffin I fines out its 'im I'll fix eez wagon rite proper I will! Oh 'owdee Ducks its me cleanin day ere on Annies GB n what a bleedin mess... Annie 'as got muffink crums all over t'place, Bazzy 'as left all eez updatze on t' carpet n sum ol geezer leff eez teef inta loo, hee hee! I bumpt inta t'at yung Tyrone fella yessiday n ee tole me ee dusn't mutch care fer Terry D.... says ees "bad noose" n ee should know cuz of eez 'aven a brassy muvver like ee duz! Poor ole Vera sheez as trustin te t'at kid as a deaf 'orse onta way te t'nackers yard! Me I wooden let 'im sell me a fing... eez bout as trusswoorfy as a snake wifout a pot to "hiss" in!... Mark me words effery time ee cums 'ome to t'Street ee brinks trubble. Well I'm finished me werk so I'll shift on out as I got a few more fings t'do... Terah fer now ... an Daran boy ya owes me a new bukket!
Clora Crank char exrodinaire
R annies Place
Well Ducks I see R annie 'as 'er Crissmuss tree up.... n itz rite easy t'see ew was 'elpin! Furst off t'at Eoin fella leff is tuch wiff a whiskey bottle on t'top,ravver dan a angel. Tinky as 'ung CD's all offer t'branchis, Willow as er webby pages strung togevver like a garland, Jubbells decorated wiff marmite lids, Digger as 'ung is floppies onta tree,deres Scizzors Rollo muffinks, Blowwicks Poems, Jacquelins leppard knickers, Dales chikken bones, Rattler leff iz tweeters n woofers around t'tree, CC's ole spectatickles, Jujubes sketchez on t'walls nex t'tvors pitture of Charlie in a santy Claus rigout. Annie az left 'er piece de resistance a photo off Hayley wif a Halo onner 'ead ! Wha a luverly tree ...ummmm.... wunder wheres I kin put me "Pink Falaminko Duster? Happy Chrissmuss to all! luff Clora Crank char exsrodinaire
And on the temporary Guestbook......
7 Wed December 29 1999 - 15:46:59
Fullname: Clora Crank
Where are you from?: Wevverfeild
Comments: T'anks Zorba... jes put me mop bucket n cleanin impleemints by t'winder...wa a nice chappy I mets 'im in a lil roadside Inn... poor guy wuz inna state frowing plates all oer t'floor, 'ee musta bin real mad at sumfink. I 'ired 'im on t'tote me fings sews 'ee could pay fer sum off t'plates ee broke.
Well Ducks I 'opes Favver Crissmus wuz good te ya... now lessee bout fixen t'is caravan up. It's jes Temperary fer r Greek 'oliday.... nice off Groggy t'invite us a along! I see Digger as takin a job 'ere az DIY man t'pay 'is way heh heh! muss be 'urtin fer pennies...lese ways ee better not start frowin t'crockery or eel get a swat wif me mop 'andle!!! I bam sew pleased t'see sew many off you made it 'ere... now orf t'work I goes... Suuuuuumm waaaaare my loove...tra la la dee dee..
Jan 7 (Back to the Sheffield Guestbook)
Blimey Scamper stop jumpin all oer me pinny afore ya tears it...now shove off ya big furball! Now wheres me bleedin cleanin implimints? Oh Owdee Ducks, now mind ya keeps frum underfoot! T'Place is a mad'ouse... Since t'at Jubbly foun she was shiftin I can't sees fer packin cartons n t'ose pesky possums bordin 'ere ar all ofver t'place . Shoo gets out off me mop bucket ya daft cat or ye'll be changin yer name t'UnLucky... Ah what a joy t'bees 'ome! I missed t' ole place I did! Now lessee ew as bin 'ere since r retern frum Grease... Aha! Deoin fer sure 'is Guiness bottles r 'idden beneaf t'sofa cushins, Greyham's leff a pitcher album off 'is wee bairn..cute lil feller.... Tinkly's artvark trainin manule... willowy's "How to fix yer Puter" ... Greggy n peters'" Upyours game", CC's voodoo doll... N sumones blank checks ...?t'at remines me t'ask fer a increese in me wajes. I best get a move on n tidy up afore the gang shows up fer t'nites
dance. Terah Ducks!... Clora yer frenly char exsrodinaire
Clora Crank at yer Serviss
'Ere now Diggy n sheela I 'opes t'is is t'larst move .... me 'ead is spinnin wif all t'is shiften aboot! Any road Ducks I foun sum Curtins fer t'winders... they usta belonk too t'Rovers afore Natalie redone t'place .... I t'ink tey wuz Veras cuz off all t'frou frous n tassels...Mind ya keep t'place respecable or you'll be wearin me mop heh heh! Hugs Clora Crank char exsrodinaire
Ello Ducks.... now I wants t'lotta ya to moof inta t'corner sews I kin ready up t'place 'ere. Now t'at Jubbles 'as shifted all er belongins n took t'pesky possims back wif er, I needs t'git t'Tinksters area tidied up! Now les see whas 'ere t'en.... 3 odd sox.... 5 pare o wide fronts... 1 rubber ducky.... 2 packets o mints... 1 anorak....2 shoos fer t'leff foot.... no wunner t'poor Bloke kant dance heh heh!... 2 boxes a green tea.... 1 dinted lectric keddle.... 1 cracked Mickey Mouse mug... 1 bokkle a saspirella.... a piccyture of Jakklin in er leppard skivvies... a Yoda figgereen... 2 coppies o Wimmins Weekly n a box orf Cadbury chocklit. Lord a Mitey ee wassn't jokin w'en ee calt tis corner a "Tip" hee hee! Good t'see Diggy n Sheela bein good cusstodians an takin there genitorial dooties t'heart.... well I'm orf t get Enry a berfday giff... terah fer now Ducks...
May 26, 2000
Owdee Ducks! It 'as bin kwite a wile since I poked me 'ead roun. I wus on a leaf of abstinance. I did 'ave a bit off a time tho... Murine got 'ersel inta the "Puddin Club" seems er lawyer boss lost eez briefs n'RMurine got t'short end off t'stick hee hee! Now we 'aves a lawyer inta fambly! Anvil jointed up wif t'British Forces n wuz sent sum place in T'Orient "Toyland" or summat.... Arsend went orf t'seek 'is fourtune an is driven a cab in Lundin....! Murine wuz at t' Groinicologists Surgery n met Sarah Lou wif er Muvver... Gail tole Murine Sarah Lou 'ad t' 9 month Flu... heh heh! Any road Digger gave me t'job back cleanin t'is 'ere place sews I bedder gets me mop in gear... now where is me bucket? Tis good t'see the place in a mess ... makes me feel needed. "Enry alas said "a mop n me belongs togevver like an ol bat n ball! Trah Ducks sees ya later an Remembers t'wipe yer feet!"
Clora Back on Duty
If you have any archived material suitable for inclusion in the Chronicles, please email it to me: email@example.com