Is Hayley Perfect?
Unlike the "real" Guestbook, Chronicles threads are shown in chronological order, so you should read from the top down.
ANDREA, you have certainly hit on another pet peeve of mine: the incredible perfection of Hayley. Why, the girl can draw like a professional artist - sew faster than anyone in Weatherfield - cook - make stage sets out of underwear fabric - decorate tables - sing and dance - recite statistics about trains and trams - they'll be sending her to Bosnia next, or Rwanda, to help United Nations negotiators solve their little local problems.
However, certain information has come my way and I think it is only fair to pass it on about her in the interests of balance. Her idiosyncratic dress sense is obvious to all, but not so well known is that Roy's character fluctuations result from terrible bursts of athlete's foot which she has passed onto him. Her halitosis would stop a clock, and she litters the house with used scratchies (she never wins a thing) which she screws up and throws at plastic wastepaper bins which she keeps in each room - and always misses. She is constantly overdrawn on her credit card, licks her fingers when reading (drives Roy mad, he's taking to reading the evening paper in his Marigolds now, to avoid her germs), and she washes the glassware last in greasy water. She sings in tune, it's true, but Roy is beginning to wish she'd get another tune - he's fed up with "Chiquitita" emanating from the bathroom whenever she's in there. She never orders dessert, but always pinches a bit off everyone else's plate; she installed a musical toilet roll holder in Roy's flat and rehangs the toilet rolls in every else's houses to roll from over rather than under; she has an appalling pair of pink brushed cotton pyjamas with naff blue teddy bears on them, and is a great believer in holding old garments together with safety pins. She eats prawn crackers in bed and wipes her greasy fingers on the sheets. We'll
draw a blind over her flatulence, and her scrapbook of photos of Prince Andrew, and her collection of Smurfs. Her habit of writing to Margaret Thatcher every Wednesday is beginning to puzzle even her, as is her compulsion to read other people's mail. On the whole however, she's not a difficult woman to get along with (when she's not been at the tequila and the old kleptomania returns), providing you don't introduce the subject of Mavis's budgie Harry who became Harriet. For some reason, this really rattles her cage. Cheerfully
Dale
Hayley??? Perfection?!.......Ooooh hardly!
Naughty Dazzle!
MUST refute these damning accusations!!>>>>>>>
But where to start!!!! Expect the libel action shortly!!!
with laffs.. Annie
Annie
ANNIE: How I am looking forward to seeing you in court! It's time it came out in the open about Hayley's long record of past dealings with the RSPCA about the ducks in public parks question. I personally see nothing wrong with roasting the odd one or two, but I think she went too far myself on Walpurgis night (and I am notoriously liberal minded on such issues). By the way, Roy discovered yesterday what she had been doing with all those worms from her tequila bottles. He's a queasy man today and I'd better not go into it in case there are children under 16 reading this page. No need to worry about the pyromania at any rate, she's
sold the flamethrower and her probation officer forbids her access to matches or lighters. Mike need have no further fears about factory fires. How she framed Don for that I'll never know. But as I said, apart from that, not a difficult woman to get along with.
Dale
DALE: It's shocking, really shocking, that a harmless pyro-klepto-maniac can't go out in public for fear of her other little problems being exposed so cruelly!! The duck issue is another matter entirely and she's served her time. Anyway, the crumbs left behind proved nowt. It was the
large pile of duck bills in't back garden that gave the game away. She contents herself by making sparks with a piece of steel and a rusty nail - no more flames. Once the debt is paid, surely a quiet life is ahead? To stir this up can only lead to tears. (How flammable IS your home anyway??)
Annie
Okay ANNIE, I've said what I had to say and my lips will henceforth be sealed on the topic of Ms Patterson and her winning ways. As you say, she has paid her debt to society, most of the scars have healed, and she has a new identity now. They're unlikely to dig up that section of motorway anyhow. But wasn't it fascinating that, when the judge ordered her to attend evening classes to learn how to make a model of York Minster out of that pathetic pile of duck bills (if those lips could only speak!), and she strayed into the Conversational Hindi class by accident, the connections she made there led her to the Afghani border incident and that unfortunate gun-running period with the Taliban which followed? Thank God (and Allah!) that it's all behind her now, most of the "orphans" she tried to sell were reunited with their parents, and she can concentrate on overcoming her multiple addictions to solvents. I know we're all behind her in this, cheering her on every inch of the way. And avoiding naked flames while she's around. By the way, have you ever wondered how Granada keeps that black cat out of shot? The eerie-looking one that never leaves her side. It spooked Roy a bit at first, but he's got used to it perching on the end of the bed, bath etc. Let's hope he never - but no, I've said too much already......
Dale
DAZZLE: Tis not the black cat, but the multiple ravens that nest so soundly within the eaves of Roy's Rolls that we must watch so closely. Should they ever leave those hallowed halls..... Thankfully the prospect of fresh duck carrion led them to Victoria Street, else they'd still be at the old cafe to this day. So we are agreed? Her debt paid, Ms Patterson may eke out her plain little life, all past indiscretions forgotten......... Matches
forbidden, clean tights a must and NEVER allowed to make pate fois gras for public consumption. (I worry about the bacon, to be honest, but that's another story entirely...... The random AK47's still stashed in her father's coffin may never be retreived, since the Customs were clearly not going to grant an export permit. Let's lay THAT rumour to rest! Content with her own Prince Roy (Andrew being a pale imitation), she's content with her sewing machine. Let the girl rest say I! (Ahh.... my linctus...just the tonic..........)
Annie
Oh ANNIE, you had to go and do it - bring up the bacon that is. As if the transgenic species jumps of BSE weren't enough for the scientific establishment to keep quiet about. Annie, Hayley had no way of knowing that the pig carried human genetic material. A serving of foie gras containing a human eyeball is nothing, compared with some of the things the French routinely eat, and to be honest, with your eyes closed it tasted a lot like ordinary blood pudding. Admittedly the cataract was a bit chewy. As for the ravens, I think you and I and the cat have a fair idea what keeps them in the eaves over Roy's Rolls, and who puts it there. As to where she gets it from, I don't want to speculate, but Martin must have been desperate for cash during his unemployed period to allow his hospital contacts to have been
so scurrilously exploited like that. But as we are agreed, it's all behind her now. There but for the grace of God.... and heaven knows, if anyone deserves a quiet life, she does (why DID those contemplative orders both turn her down - the monastery AND the convent? Could it have had anything to do with the sleepwalking? Or was it that blasted black cat again, and the way it won't enter holy ground?).
Dazzle
DAZZLE: What the black cat gets up to is its own affair, and, frankly, I'd be hesitant to go into such buildings meself, purely on grounds of fear! As to the
menu at Roy's Rolls.......you'll find a distinct effort to cater for the vegetarian
these days, so I'd suspect all the previous methods of obtaining fresh produce
had been exhausted. Even Ken's unusual tastes are being carefully guided
back to normality; witness his latest request for a small dog with cream
cheese, cleverly reinterpreted by Roy. When Ken was served with a BAGEL, he
merely smiled and accepted the argument. Reviving the Rosamund Street BSE
scandal is just too cruel, and everyone thinks Nick was always like that
anyway!!
Annie
Oh well, ANNIE, Roy's new venture into vegetarianism is another story entirely,
and one not unrelated to the fate of the tequila worms, the duck massacre,
the transgenic pig, the Horror of the Ravens, and the Rosamund Street BSE
scandal. But as we say, it's all behind us now. I'm not completely convinced
Roy's being entirely straight with us here - I mean who persuaded him that
sponge rolls should be made with marine sponges? And who had been
feeding small rodents to the Venus Fly Trap he insists on including in his green
salads? My God, you don't think it can have been that black cat?
I notice Ken Barlow ate everything on his plate, though, crunchy little bones
and carapaces and all. Now that man is REALLY weird.
Dazzle
Very shocking, DALE, all these revelations about Hayley. I realize it is in our best interest to know the whole truth, but ANNIE, it is hard to believe *you* digging up additional dirt about Hayley! I don't understand all the references since I never joined the very active coven here, but it is enough to explain one thing I had been wondering about, namely why it has been so long since we have seen that brilliant smile of Roy's that we saw in the early days of the relationship. He has been looking rather troubled lately, and I had thought it was just the strain of starting a new restaurant.
Great entertainment, gels, and without even having the Olympic Games as an excuse!
Nancy
I'm shocked at you lot rubbishing Hayley - therefore I find I must sing the praises of Roy to you.
Unbeknownst to most of you, Roy belonged to the SAS back in the early 70's. It was Roy that was selected for a suicide mission to eliminate Qaddafi from his post as oil minister during the OPEC slowdown. Roy was injured when his helicopter went down in Egypt due to sand being ingested into the engine. He was captured by a band of Egyptian orthodox pyramidists who accused him of selling out to the Iraqis. The militant pyramidists fed him nothing but bacon and egg butties for the year that he was incarcerated, and that led to a severe cholesterol condition that left him incapacitated.
Cairo sent a team of anti-terrorists into Giza to disband the pyramidists and the pyramidists legged it with no thought to the people that they had captured. Roy was sequestered in a little-known pyramid, and it was weeks until he was found. The delay, however, was a Godsend as the lack of food allowed his body to get rid of the cholesterol.
While he was recovering, Roy deciphered the hieroglyphics within the tomb. Roy discovered that the tomb belonged to none other than Hankatankanen, a major 400BC ruler. Roy attended many fetes at Oxford and Cambridge, but the solitude of his ordeal was never really forgotten.
Roy turned his interests to the SPCA once back home. He toiled at this for
months until he discovered that the animals in his care were treated so much
better than he was in Egypt. It was then that he took to drink. He moved to
Weatherfield and accepted a job looking after Deidre Whatsername in the flats.
Ian
DAZZLE: Dale, Dale!! You're fishing now, and I ain't telling!! The Venus Fly
traps were an experiment only, and were ONLY fed the tequila worms!!!!! The
ducks were kept for egg value only and went to a good home up on't Red Rec
in the Children's Zoo. You must give them some credit you know!! Mind you,
the cat is still beyond explanation, as is it's rapt interest in the Emily Bishop when she's in t' caff. Most peculiar.
Annie
DALE, ANNIE and now IAN: Be warned. I am redirecting all these posts re Hayleys
and Roy's suspicious involvements to the attention of the proper authorities. This thread has degenerated from listing a litany of Hayley's many annoying, (if
inconsequential) bad habits to some very serious charges. PLEASE call it a day before something really damaging comes out!!!
Anita
Ian, this is a side of Roy I had long suspected and which I'm glad you have been able to confirm! ROTFLMAO!!!!! I can't help but laugh out loud at all the *dirt* that Annie, Dazzle and now Ian have uncovered about Sir Roy and Lady Hayley. With each laugh, my six year old races over to see what's so funny. I just tell her it's *grown-up* stuff (which she thinks is *naughty*) and away she goes. LOL!!
Sue
Well, I am shocked, SHOCKED, I say, by the truth behind Hayley and Roy. Who'd a
guessed??
Betsy
ANNIE, IAN we've said too much. Not another word. IAN, I know you're ghosting
Fidel Castro's memoirs at present, so if you could just put the Bay of Transgenic Pigs
chapter on ice for the present, it will keep Roy out of a lot of trouble with the Pentagon. ANNIE, Jerry Hall has let me know that she will not after all be naming *a certain person* in connection with Mick's scattered love children and her alimony case, so that lets H*yl*y off the hook as well. As for the child, I think an upbringing in foster care in the Lofoten Islands was punishment enough, there's no point in further persecution. And it's doing wonderfully well with its guitar lessons - that extra finger on each hand makes a whale of a
difference.
Dale
ROY CROPPER: I was not aware that he had joined the SAS. Was that before,
after, or during his long career with MI5?
Gordon
DALE - I wish you hadn't mentioned me and Fidel Castro in the same sentence. What with the USA upset with Canada doing business with Cuba, and the USA threatening to, well, whatever they are threatening to do to us, it is not good that I am associated with that Caribbean Isle. In fact, I have had strange people driving past my house all day!
While Dale is right that we should cease and desist, I do have one other tidbit of information regarding Roy. Hayley has been rubbished to the extreme IMHO, but enough is enough. So I must now divulge that Roy has a social problem that is, um, more than delicate!
When Roy was incarcerated in the pyramids, he had loads of time to think. He wondered why the pyramid smelt of jasmine, when there were so many dead bodies about. It was then that it became apparent that he did not have the sense of smell. Roy mulled this thought as he fiddled about in his flat.
Truth be known, Roy has the worst case of foot odour known to man. This is the
reason that Roy and Hayley could never get past the first date without Hayley
wearing a surgical mask. It is also the reason that Roy and Hayley seem so reluctant
to make plans!.
Ian
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