Friday 2 February

Jim/Des/Fred/Bill

Jim and Bill are doing some work at Fred's butchers, although Fred is not very pleased with their progress so far. In order to deflect this, Bill and Jim start complaining about being ill and say that they suspect one of Fred's meat pies, which makes Fred immediately change tactics and leave them alone as quickly as possible. (I want Emily to get mad cow disease from eating one of Fred's pies.) Jim then borrows Bill's phone and telephones Des at the bookies, then hangs up when Des answers. Oh dear - this looks like it's going to be one of those long, slow and dangerous build-ups.

Stephen

Stephen and Mike are chatting in the Rovers and Stephen asks Mike what he actually does. Mike replies with something like "I have an entrepenerial (sp?) role, I set up meetings between interested parties." It later transpires that Stephen needs someone who knows a lot about catering, and hey presto - Alma just happens to know a lot about catering, so this is the pretext for getting those two working together. Later, Alf and Fred are discussing whether Stephen is a number of "Square Deal" or some secret society which sounds akin to a business-like version of the Buffs. There is a secret "sign", which Fred does to Stephen - extremely comic (read Mike Plowmans' mail for fuller details,) but he is not. Audrey is very embarrassed at the fools these men are making of themselves.

Ivy/Don/Vera/Josie

Vera talks to Josie and asks is she has had an "out of this world experience upstairs yet." Joise thinks she means sex, and that Vera is talking about Jack, but then Vera says the out of this world experience happened in Don's house, and Joise gets even more confused and outraged. Finally Vera spells out that she saw a ghost and Joise is traumatised, but copes in that horrible way she has.

It is Sarah-"Lou"'s birthday and there is a big Platt-clan style party to celebrate at Don's. Josie stands in the doorway, looking happy, "Ee I never thought I'd see this day happen," she coos. An eerie bang comes from upstairs. The ghost is back! Stephen arrives with presents for the children. More dire child acting from the regulars. Then the cake arrives, but *yikes* the candles are all mysteriously blown out before little Sarah-Lou gets a chance at them. Plank is blamed, but Don and Josie know better. Martin makes a comment like "It's the ghost!" and everyone looks embarrassed.

Maud/Maureen/Percy

Percy pops into the shop and lets slip that Maud asked him to marry her. Maureen is upset for some bizarre reason - you would think she would be glad to finally offload her mother onto someone else, and later confronts Maud about it and there is a teary "I don't want to be left alone in my miserable life," speech from Maureen. "I'd never leave you our Maureen," assures Maud.

Fiona

Fiona is getting very sick of Maxine's antics, and moans about it to various members of the cast in the Rovers who advise her to give Maxine the sack. "You've moved on Fiona," someone says (Des?). "And she hasn't. Get rid of her."

Awards:

Best actor: Fred Elliot. I think that grinning face is going to terrorise our screens for many more nights to come at this rate.

Best story-line: The "ghost". With demonic possession only hours away from Sarah-Lou, how will Gail be able to cope when her daughter's head starts spinning and reciting "Our Father" backwards?


Unfortunately, Paul was in hospital having his tonsils removed, and hasn't been around to write the updates, so I think these episodes will be missing unless you bombard him with pleading Emails and videos of the episodes.

Monday 19 February

Jim/Liz/Andy

Andy owes Des £50 for rent so Liz gives it to him, as she knows that Jim would be furious if he knew that "son owed Des Barnes money". Liz confides in Dreary about the "nearly-affair" with Des and that Jim knows. But she voices her suspicions about Jim's irrational paranoia. Meanwhile Jim is annoying Bill by being suspicious about Liz. The "winebar" is mentioned lots of times. Jim returns to the house with the depressing wall-paper and goes in their secret money pot to get some money, but notices that there is money missing. Liz has to tell him the truth, and the usual escalating row ensues with both parties screaming at each other.

Jim: "I wanted that money for my army reunion: they were the only muckers I ever had etc etc..."

Liz: "Would you have rather me given him a wink and asked him to overlooook the rent? Would you?"

The door is opened to reveal Andy who tries to give the money back, but Liz and Jim both scream at him and run out of the room, leaving Andy alone and confused.

Ivy/Vera/Don

Don's friend "Eddie" is cajoled into pretending to be an Irish priest and performs a fake exorcism around the "haunted house". Vera notices and she is made up. She enters the house and proclaims that Ivy's spirit has finally gone. "There's a light, I can feel it!" she cries. "You come round to the Rovers later and there'll be a free Hotpot, as a present from Ivy." At the Rovers, the "priest" is irritated by Roy Cropper who is in for more "characterisation". He starts asking questions about exorcism, and the priest tells him to get lost. At one point he almost lunges at poor Roy and has to be restrained by Don. They leave and Roy eats the remaining hotpot.

But! Eddie has left his "hocus pocus" bag behind in his rush to escape Roy, and Vicky clicks her tights on it. Later, Jack is overwhelmed with curiousity and takes a look inside, despite Vera's protestations. He breaks the "holy" chain used in the ritual, and this means that Ivy's ghost is transferred to the Rovers, to torment Vera, who starts feeling her presence once again.

Alma/Stephen

There is a posh "do" on in a big hotel to celebrate the "launch" or something. I really don't understand any of the premise of this story-line. Whenever someone mentions "business" or "contracts" I mentally switch off and start thinking about the Nolan sisters or something. The upshot of this being that Alma uses Stephen's room to get changed, and has been questioning Carrie about her involvement with him. At the end, they are alone together, and he says how much he enjoyed working with her, and then she throws herself on him, forcing him to kiss her. He is shocked, and she is humiliated. She presses her fingers to the side of her face as if she is trying to give herself a temporary face-life and bubbles something about having to leave. Audrey arrives to witness the confusion and Stephen shouts at her. Alman rushes away. Audrey is very suspicious. Credits.

Awards.

Best Line:"Omnibus minibus, omnibus minibus, nintendo, armani..." (the chant used by the fake priest to exorcise Ivy's ghost)

Most tacky prop: Liz was wearing a big gold "L" round her neck. Disgraceful!


Wednesday 21 February

This review is missing - can you help ?

 


 

Friday 23 February


Alma/Audrey

Audrey apologies to Alma for the fact that Stephen made a pass at her. Alma is surprised that Stephen covered for her, and tells Alma the truth - that she made the pass. Audrey's smiles freeze on her face and she snaps "You what?" at Alma who just continues to moon about how wonderful and "special" Audrey's son really is.

Denise/babysitter/Fiona

Denise returns to say goodbye (again) to the residents of the Street. I don't think I need to go to into too many details except to say she is wearing a horrible peaked 60s cap, Fiona tells her that she doesn't know who she is anymore, and she gets tear-stained make-up all over baby Daniel again.

Jack/Vera/Ivy

In order to get "publicity" Jack and Vera have called in a couple of reporters in order to tell the world about Vera and Ivy's "special" friendship. The reporters are skeptical, especially as Vera says she never saw Ivy's ghost, only felt her presence in the Rovers. Jack lies and says that he saw Ivy in the cellar (obviously the best place for her, where else would an alcoholic ghost decide to rest?) The article is published, Vera and Jack are overjoyed. Don and Josie are not.

Jim/Liz

More paranoid mounting tension as Liz tells Jim she will be home all day for the electricity man and when he comes home it is Dreary he finds watching TV. He confronts her - and is close to violence, but she tells him that she was out shopping to buy holiday tickets as a surprise. He realises that she is telling the truth and breaks down, begging her over and over again "forgive me!"

Awards

Best line: Mrs Mallet: "She's very la-di-da. Hasn't she ever heard of a fur coat and no knickers?" about Rackle

Best Acting: Jim. Terrifying.


 

Monday 26 February


Jack/Vera/Don/Josie/Ivy

Jack and Vera are in the Rovers, Vera doing the cleaning; Vera thinks she heard Ivy singing and Jack goes along with it. The "haunting" article has brought a lot of new custom to the Rovers in the form of "ghostbusters" who enjoy being photographed with Jack. Percy calls it all "kiddology". Jack gets Steve and Vicky to make some t-shirts which say "Try our Spirits at the Rovers Return" or something equally tasteless. Rackle is made to wear one and Jack jokes about wet t-shirt contests. Don and Josie are not pleased and Josie tells Vera that the exorcism was a fake, set up to appease her. Vera does not believe her at first, but then she is angry at Jack for using Ivy to make money "Here's a wet t-shirt!" she cackles, pouring a pint of beer over him. Later when they have calmed down, the 4 discuss it calmly over a glass of wine and Vera accepts that Ivy's ghost is not haunting anywhere.

Vera/Jack/Tricia/Joyce Mallet

Tricia sees the advert for a cleaner at the Rovers and asks Jack if she can have the job. Jack does not want her, citing her vile husband Carl who beat him up, but reluctantly promises to "have a word" with Vera about it. Later Joyce Mallet (Judy's mum) inquires about the job. Vera interviews her (using a hilarious posh voice and trying to act the part of Annie Walker) but Jack bursts in and gives her the job so Trash will not get it.

Joyce is overjoyed and calls to see Judy to celebrate. Gary does not seem to pleased and whizzs off on his motorbike.

Trash meets Vera in the streets and asks about the job which Vera tells her has gone. Trash is furious and marches into the Rovers to shout at Jack. She warns him that she will write to her husband and tell him that Jack has been interfering with her.

The Many McDonalds

A surprisingly calm episode for them as Jim is in a good mood and doesn't manage to get too drunk at the dinner party they hold for their children later that evening. Andy brings Ann along and then tries to get her to spend the night with him. A mistake on his part. She is furious and says "If and when I get to know you better I might consider it, and the key words are if and when. Now I have an early start. Goodbye." Credits.

Awards:

Best acting: Ann. She's what my father would call a "bonny lass".

Best speech: Vera putting across the importance of having a "discreet cleaner" to Mother Mallet. "We can't have them telling people what we's 'ad for breakfast."


 

Wednesday 28 February


The Vera Insanity Show

I am seriously considering writing to ITV and asking them to change CS to the above title as that woman is dominating half the show with her ridiculous "common" antics and outrageous world-view. I love it of course. This episode Vera is still seething over the trick Don played on her and when she sees Don and Josie laughing outside their house (could this be a first for the Street's most miserable couple?) she decides to engage in an impromptu slanging match, to the amusement of Maureen and Rita. She is only quelled by the arrival of Joyce Smedley, causing Vera to "assume" her posh voice and mien and more. Later Rita comments that Vera has a split personality, and is trying to be like Annie Walker. It is even more worrying than that because later she orders Earl Grey tea and tries to "hold court" in the backroom of the Rovers, even resorting to using the word "cock" in the Bet Gilroy style. On an on, in a black polo neck sweater (she's lost the crucifix sadly that made her look so much like a character in the Exorcist) she complains about how they have "angered the spirit world". Roy Cropper proposes that although Ivy's ghost may not be haunting the pub, another one might be instead. Josie comes in to apologise for what has happened, Vera is reluctant to forgive and forget.

Anne/Andy

Anne asks Raquel advice about men. "I bet you've had loads of boyfriends you're so pretty." Raquel tells Anne that some are scum and if they try to get you into bed you should say no and if they're worth it they'll stick around. Anne says she does that and they all lose interest. Raquel tells her that they're not worth it. "Is that what you did then?" Anne asks. "Oooh no!" admits Racquel. "That's why I know what I'm talking about." Later Raquel orchestrates a meeting between Anne and Andy and gets them to make up. They go off to talk.

Gail/Alma/Mike

Alma is still feeling miserable about what happened with Stephen so Gail tells her all about her own relationship with Brian's relative 10 years ago and how Sarah-Lou was in a paternity-puzzle over it. Alma is amazed but grateful. She later cooks a "special" meal for Mike and asks if he still loves her. He is flippant, telling her that he would rather snog her than Phyllis Pearce, but it seems to work.

Liz/Jim

The army reunion is in Macclesfield (Macclesfield!) in a grotty pub. Jim quickly gets drunk and acquires that slitty eyed look that spells trouble. An old friend, Johnny - (Cockney, not much hair, cruel eyes) arrives. Before long he is flirting with Liz, telling her that she must be jealous of his new young wife and saying that all the men in the platoon were jealous of Jim. Jim's suspicons are raised and they row on the way home. Finally Liz pulls the car over and admits that she did have an affair with Johnny but it was years ago, and it meant nothing, and she had two small children and Jim was always away or at the pub with his mates.

Jim goes psycho and pulls her out of the car, slaps her roughly in the face and then drives off leaving her alone and in the middle of nowhere. Credits

An advert for Friday's episode shows Andy and Anne in black and white a la the X files trying to solve the "mystery" of why Liz never came home that night....

Awards

Best acting Jim/Liz tie. What they do is exhausting to watch. Therefore it must be good.

Most embarrassing sub-plot Kelly's friends come round and play loud music. Emily is seen to look disapproving. They ask why Denise dumped Ken, just as Ken appears in the doorway. I thought I had receieved an illegal transmission of "Home and Away" instead.


Written by Paul Baker


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