Friday 2 February
Jim/Des/Fred/Bill
Jim and Bill are doing some work at Fred's butchers, although
Fred is not very pleased with their progress so far. In order
to deflect this, Bill and Jim start complaining about being ill
and say that they suspect one of Fred's meat pies, which makes
Fred immediately change tactics and leave them alone as quickly
as possible. (I want Emily to get mad cow disease from eating
one of Fred's pies.) Jim then borrows Bill's phone and telephones
Des at the bookies, then hangs up when Des answers. Oh dear -
this looks like it's going to be one of those long, slow and dangerous
build-ups.
Stephen
Stephen and Mike are chatting in the Rovers and Stephen asks Mike
what he actually does. Mike replies with something like "I
have an entrepenerial (sp?) role, I set up meetings between interested
parties." It later transpires that Stephen needs someone
who knows a lot about catering, and hey presto - Alma just happens
to know a lot about catering, so this is the pretext for getting
those two working together. Later, Alf and Fred are discussing
whether Stephen is a number of "Square Deal" or some
secret society which sounds akin to a business-like version of
the Buffs. There is a secret "sign", which Fred does
to Stephen - extremely comic (read Mike Plowmans' mail for fuller
details,) but he is not. Audrey is very embarrassed at the fools
these men are making of themselves.
Ivy/Don/Vera/Josie
Vera talks to Josie and asks is she has had an "out of this
world experience upstairs yet." Joise thinks she means sex,
and that Vera is talking about Jack, but then Vera says the out
of this world experience happened in Don's house, and Joise gets
even more confused and outraged. Finally Vera spells out that
she saw a ghost and Joise is traumatised, but copes in that horrible
way she has.
It is Sarah-"Lou"'s birthday and there is a big Platt-clan
style party to celebrate at Don's. Josie stands in the doorway,
looking happy, "Ee I never thought I'd see this day happen,"
she coos. An eerie bang comes from upstairs. The ghost is back!
Stephen arrives with presents for the children. More dire child
acting from the regulars. Then the cake arrives, but *yikes* the
candles are all mysteriously blown out before little Sarah-Lou
gets a chance at them. Plank is blamed, but Don and Josie know
better. Martin makes a comment like "It's the ghost!"
and everyone looks embarrassed.
Maud/Maureen/Percy
Percy pops into the shop and lets slip that Maud asked him to
marry her. Maureen is upset for some bizarre reason - you would
think she would be glad to finally offload her mother onto someone
else, and later confronts Maud about it and there is a teary "I
don't want to be left alone in my miserable life," speech
from Maureen. "I'd never leave you our Maureen," assures
Maud.
Fiona
Fiona is getting very sick of Maxine's antics, and moans about
it to various members of the cast in the Rovers who advise her
to give Maxine the sack. "You've moved on Fiona," someone
says (Des?). "And she hasn't. Get rid of her."
Awards:
Best actor: Fred Elliot. I think that grinning face is going to
terrorise our screens for many more nights to come at this rate.
Best story-line: The "ghost". With demonic possession
only hours away from Sarah-Lou, how will Gail be able to cope
when her daughter's head starts spinning and reciting "Our
Father" backwards?
Unfortunately, Paul was in hospital having his
tonsils removed, and hasn't been around to write the updates,
so I think these episodes will be missing unless you bombard him
with pleading Emails and videos of the episodes.
Monday 19 February
Jim/Liz/Andy
Andy owes Des £50 for rent so Liz gives it to him, as she
knows that Jim would be furious if he knew that "son owed
Des Barnes money". Liz confides in Dreary about the "nearly-affair"
with Des and that Jim knows. But she voices her suspicions about
Jim's irrational paranoia. Meanwhile Jim is annoying Bill by being
suspicious about Liz. The "winebar" is mentioned lots
of times. Jim returns to the house with the depressing wall-paper
and goes in their secret money pot to get some money, but notices
that there is money missing. Liz has to tell him the truth, and
the usual escalating row ensues with both parties screaming at
each other.
Jim: "I wanted that money for my army reunion: they were
the only muckers I ever had etc etc..."
Liz: "Would you have rather me given him a wink and asked
him to overlooook the rent? Would you?"
The door is opened to reveal Andy who tries to give the money
back, but Liz and Jim both scream at him and run out of the room,
leaving Andy alone and confused.
Ivy/Vera/Don
Don's friend "Eddie" is cajoled into pretending to be
an Irish priest and performs a fake exorcism around the "haunted
house". Vera notices and she is made up. She enters the house
and proclaims that Ivy's spirit has finally gone. "There's
a light, I can feel it!" she cries. "You come round
to the Rovers later and there'll be a free Hotpot, as a present
from Ivy." At the Rovers, the "priest" is irritated
by Roy Cropper who is in for more "characterisation".
He starts asking questions about exorcism, and the priest tells
him to get lost. At one point he almost lunges at poor Roy and
has to be restrained by Don. They leave and Roy eats the remaining
hotpot.
But! Eddie has left his "hocus pocus" bag behind in
his rush to escape Roy, and Vicky clicks her tights on it. Later,
Jack is overwhelmed with curiousity and takes a look inside, despite
Vera's protestations. He breaks the "holy" chain used
in the ritual, and this means that Ivy's ghost is transferred
to the Rovers, to torment Vera, who starts feeling her presence
once again.
Alma/Stephen
There is a posh "do" on in a big hotel to celebrate
the "launch" or something. I really don't understand
any of the premise of this story-line. Whenever someone mentions
"business" or "contracts" I mentally switch
off and start thinking about the Nolan sisters or something. The
upshot of this being that Alma uses Stephen's room to get changed,
and has been questioning Carrie about her involvement with him.
At the end, they are alone together, and he says how much he enjoyed
working with her, and then she throws herself on him, forcing
him to kiss her. He is shocked, and she is humiliated. She presses
her fingers to the side of her face as if she is trying to give
herself a temporary face-life and bubbles something about having
to leave. Audrey arrives to witness the confusion and Stephen
shouts at her. Alman rushes away. Audrey is very suspicious. Credits.
Awards.
Best Line:"Omnibus minibus, omnibus minibus, nintendo, armani..."
(the chant used by the fake priest to exorcise Ivy's ghost)
Most tacky prop: Liz was wearing a big gold "L" round
her neck. Disgraceful!
Wednesday 21 February
This review is missing - can you help ?
Friday 23 February
Alma/Audrey
Audrey apologies to Alma for the fact that Stephen made a pass
at her. Alma is surprised that Stephen covered for her, and tells
Alma the truth - that she made the pass. Audrey's smiles freeze
on her face and she snaps "You what?" at Alma who just
continues to moon about how wonderful and "special"
Audrey's son really is.
Denise/babysitter/Fiona
Denise returns to say goodbye (again) to the residents of the
Street. I don't think I need to go to into too many details except
to say she is wearing a horrible peaked 60s cap, Fiona tells her
that she doesn't know who she is anymore, and she gets tear-stained
make-up all over baby Daniel again.
Jack/Vera/Ivy
In order to get "publicity" Jack and Vera have called
in a couple of reporters in order to tell the world about Vera
and Ivy's "special" friendship. The reporters are skeptical,
especially as Vera says she never saw Ivy's ghost, only felt her
presence in the Rovers. Jack lies and says that he saw Ivy in
the cellar (obviously the best place for her, where else would
an alcoholic ghost decide to rest?) The article is published,
Vera and Jack are overjoyed. Don and Josie are not.
Jim/Liz
More paranoid mounting tension as Liz tells Jim she will be home
all day for the electricity man and when he comes home it is Dreary
he finds watching TV. He confronts her - and is close to violence,
but she tells him that she was out shopping to buy holiday tickets
as a surprise. He realises that she is telling the truth and breaks
down, begging her over and over again "forgive me!"
Awards
Best line: Mrs Mallet: "She's very la-di-da. Hasn't she ever
heard of a fur coat and no knickers?" about Rackle
Best Acting: Jim. Terrifying.
Monday 26 February
Jack/Vera/Don/Josie/Ivy
Jack and Vera are in the Rovers, Vera doing the cleaning; Vera
thinks she heard Ivy singing and Jack goes along with it. The
"haunting" article has brought a lot of new custom to
the Rovers in the form of "ghostbusters" who enjoy being
photographed with Jack. Percy calls it all "kiddology".
Jack gets Steve and Vicky to make some t-shirts which say "Try
our Spirits at the Rovers Return" or something equally tasteless.
Rackle is made to wear one and Jack jokes about wet t-shirt contests.
Don and Josie are not pleased and Josie tells Vera that the exorcism
was a fake, set up to appease her. Vera does not believe her at
first, but then she is angry at Jack for using Ivy to make money
"Here's a wet t-shirt!" she cackles, pouring a pint
of beer over him. Later when they have calmed down, the 4 discuss
it calmly over a glass of wine and Vera accepts that Ivy's ghost
is not haunting anywhere.
Vera/Jack/Tricia/Joyce Mallet
Tricia sees the advert for a cleaner at the Rovers and asks Jack
if she can have the job. Jack does not want her, citing her vile
husband Carl who beat him up, but reluctantly promises to "have
a word" with Vera about it. Later Joyce Mallet (Judy's mum)
inquires about the job. Vera interviews her (using a hilarious
posh voice and trying to act the part of Annie Walker) but Jack
bursts in and gives her the job so Trash will not get it.
Joyce is overjoyed and calls to see Judy to celebrate. Gary does
not seem to pleased and whizzs off on his motorbike.
Trash meets Vera in the streets and asks about the job which Vera
tells her has gone. Trash is furious and marches into the Rovers
to shout at Jack. She warns him that she will write to her husband
and tell him that Jack has been interfering with her.
The Many McDonalds
A surprisingly calm episode for them as Jim is in a good mood
and doesn't manage to get too drunk at the dinner party they hold
for their children later that evening. Andy brings Ann along and
then tries to get her to spend the night with him. A mistake on
his part. She is furious and says "If and when I get to know
you better I might consider it, and the key words are if and when.
Now I have an early start. Goodbye." Credits.
Awards:
Best acting: Ann. She's what my father would call a "bonny
lass".
Best speech: Vera putting across the importance of having a "discreet
cleaner" to Mother Mallet. "We can't have them telling
people what we's 'ad for breakfast."
Wednesday 28 February
The Vera Insanity Show
I am seriously considering writing to ITV and asking them
to change CS to the above title as that woman is dominating half
the show with her ridiculous "common" antics and outrageous
world-view. I love it of course. This episode Vera is still seething
over the trick Don played on her and when she sees Don and Josie
laughing outside their house (could this be a first for the Street's
most miserable couple?) she decides to engage in an impromptu
slanging match, to the amusement of Maureen and Rita. She is only
quelled by the arrival of Joyce Smedley, causing Vera to "assume"
her posh voice and mien and more. Later Rita comments that Vera
has a split personality, and is trying to be like Annie Walker.
It is even more worrying than that because later she orders Earl
Grey tea and tries to "hold court" in the backroom of
the Rovers, even resorting to using the word "cock"
in the Bet Gilroy style. On an on, in a black polo neck sweater
(she's lost the crucifix sadly that made her look so much like
a character in the Exorcist) she complains about how they have
"angered the spirit world". Roy Cropper proposes that
although Ivy's ghost may not be haunting the pub, another one
might be instead. Josie comes in to apologise for what has happened,
Vera is reluctant to forgive and forget.
Anne/Andy
Anne asks Raquel advice about men. "I bet you've had loads
of boyfriends you're so pretty." Raquel tells Anne that some
are scum and if they try to get you into bed you should say no
and if they're worth it they'll stick around. Anne says she does
that and they all lose interest. Raquel tells her that they're
not worth it. "Is that what you did then?" Anne asks.
"Oooh no!" admits Racquel. "That's why I know what
I'm talking about." Later Raquel orchestrates a meeting between
Anne and Andy and gets them to make up. They go off to talk.
Gail/Alma/Mike
Alma is still feeling miserable about what happened with Stephen
so Gail tells her all about her own relationship with Brian's
relative 10 years ago and how Sarah-Lou was in a paternity-puzzle
over it. Alma is amazed but grateful. She later cooks a "special"
meal for Mike and asks if he still loves her. He is flippant,
telling her that he would rather snog her than Phyllis Pearce,
but it seems to work.
Liz/Jim
The army reunion is in Macclesfield (Macclesfield!) in a grotty
pub. Jim quickly gets drunk and acquires that slitty eyed look
that spells trouble. An old friend, Johnny - (Cockney, not much
hair, cruel eyes) arrives. Before long he is flirting with Liz,
telling her that she must be jealous of his new young wife and
saying that all the men in the platoon were jealous of Jim. Jim's
suspicons are raised and they row on the way home. Finally Liz
pulls the car over and admits that she did have an affair with
Johnny but it was years ago, and it meant nothing, and she had
two small children and Jim was always away or at the pub with
his mates.
Jim goes psycho and pulls her out of the car, slaps her roughly
in the face and then drives off leaving her alone and in the middle
of nowhere. Credits
An advert for Friday's episode shows Andy and Anne in black and
white a la the X files trying to solve the "mystery"
of why Liz never came home that night....
Awards
Best acting Jim/Liz tie. What they do is exhausting to watch.
Therefore it must be good.
Most embarrassing sub-plot Kelly's friends come round and play
loud music. Emily is seen to look disapproving. They ask why Denise
dumped Ken, just as Ken appears in the doorway. I thought I had
receieved an illegal transmission of "Home and Away"
instead.
Written by Paul
Baker