Monday 2 September
Becky/Claire/Des/Wilts
Des is censoring his video collection (9.5 Weeks) for Becky, but
Claire interrupts to tell him that they always used to watch horror
films at Granny's house. A trite little conversation ensues about
how neither of them have ever felt that where they lived was a
real "home" so to solve this problem Claire decides
to go back to Granny's and get a poster of the movie "Alien"
and put it up (I have decided that she is very strange.)
Des decides to throw away his marijuana plant (my GOD! Middle-class
drug taking in Coronation Street!), but then Mavis interrupts,
wanting to spy on Claire. Des invites her in, introduces her and
then presents her with the Mary-Jane plant as a gift. Mavis is
delighted, but doesn't know what it is. "It's a herb,"
says Des. "Keep it indoors," says Claire.
Later we find out that Mavis has looked for the plant in all her
books and can't find it. (Viewers may remember that in an earlier
episode Mavis accused Des of wanting the conservatory to grow
marijuana - at the time I thought it was just a daring throw-away
line, but now I realise what the wicked CS Gods had in store for
them.)
Back at Des's, Claire is putting up the "Alien" poster,
while she and Becky have an awful unfunny conversation about some
old neighbours - it reminded me a little bit too much of Sally
Webster's now infamous "Huggit" monologue. Claire says
she got the poster from Granny's, but Becky says "No you
never, it got ripped, you bought a new one. Don't lie to me mum."
Claire admits she didn't have the courage to go back to Mrs In-Law's
Horror House.
Gail/Stephen/Mike/Alma
Alma and Judy are having a gossip about the virility of Des Barnes
when Stephen suddenly appears - causing Alma to have a panic attack
and regress to the age of 7 again. "Go 'n sit down!"
brays Judy to him. "Alma 'ere were just telling me some good
gossip about Des Barnes' sex-life." Alma merely plays with
her hair and swoons. Stephen arranges to meet Gail in the Rovers
for lunch.
After he has gone, Gail and Alma have a mini-row as nobody bothered
to tell Alma that Stephen was back. Alma says "What do you
think I would have done - had myself delivered to his room in
a roll of carpet?" which is EXACTLY what she did about 150
years ago when she played the lead role in Carry on Cleo (even
with all that black eye-shadow she's still beautiful though).
Even Mike has kept Stephen's arrival a secret, so Alma pointedly
questions him about it - Mike keeps quiet. Meanwhile, Gail's got
bigger fights on her mind...
Platts/Trash/Jamie
Jameh, Nicky and Becky are waiting for the school bus, their school
uniforms in various states of disarray (Percy Sugden would have
had a fit at such slovenliness). Nicky is boasting about his adventures
in EVIL London, and Becky and Jameh lap it all up.
Later, Jameh tells Trash all about it - and Trash realises that
she's been behaving herself for a couple of weeks and it's about
time she had a huge row in the middle of the street with everyone
watching. She spots Gail and races at her: "Your son's been
filling my son's head with stories about London - is he a drug
pusher?" It all gets very confusing as the camera darts back
and forth, mainly to focus on Trash's freckle-coated pasty-white
face, and Gail's rolled up magazine that she starts waving violently
in Trash's vicinity. Derek and Claire watch excitedly from the
side-lines.
Martin, hearing his wife's lovely shrieks, appears, and starts
bellowing too - but this causes Gail to have a violent personality
breakdown and she screams that she hates everyone and starts whacking
Trash with her magazine. Martin escorts her into the house (he
should have put a blanket on her head first), and then makes Trash
and Jameh come inside too.
Gail is sent into the kitchen to bite her knuckles while Martin
tries to get Jamie to repeat what Nicky told him (the Platts want
to know exactly what happened to Nicky). Nicky can't stand someone
else saying his lines, so he agrees to tell all. Trash and Jamie
are sent away (they've had enough time to case the house and realise
that there's nothing worth nicking). Gail apologises to Trash.
Then Nicky admits that he only spent 2 hours in London as it was
too big and he ended up in Torquay (for some reason this provokes
laughter) and he wishes he had gone on holiday with his mummy
after all.
At the end of the episode, we get another of those over the head
shots of Nicky and Gail at their terribly scratched living room
table - Gail's hand reaches out and touches Nicky. Yuck. Credits.
Awards:
Camera-work: had I tuned in halfway through, I would have thought
that Coronation Street had been cancelled and replaced with a
weird film noir. complete with "arty" above the head
camera tricks and "in-yer-face" shaking camera work
during the fight sequences. Let's hope they get to use that old
scaffolding a bit more in future.
New set: Well, it's really the old set, but they've added an extra
wall to it and showed us what it looks like from another angle.
Jim's cafe has *never* looked so inviting - the sight of the light
streaming through those grubby old net curtains gave me an instant
craving for undercooked egg, Alma-style.
Best scene: The "fight" scene. There wasn't much acting
in it, but there was plenty of over-acting. I especially liked
Derek's cowardly splutter and retreat.
Social issue: Drug-taking hits Coronation Street again. How did
they manage to keep it out of the tabloids? Will Mavis and Derek
get all funky and start wearing kaftans and listening to Hendrix?
Or will it all end in tears?
Wednesday 4 September
Alf/Norris
I think I must be getting an attention deficit disorder because
I didn't take much notice of this story-line. From what I gathered,
Norris has been despatched from some important people at City
Hall to deliver a message of utmost importance to him. This involved
Norris and Alf having a meal at a restaurant, and Norris revealing
that Alf has been "chosen" and he is going to be Mr
Millenium (or as Audreh would say "Minnellium") Could
an OBE/MBE be in the offing?
Norris mentions that Fred Elliot's name has also been mentioned,
but Alf is the preferred choice as he is used to the "limelight".
Alf tries to look distant as if he is imagining the glory and
fame, but I can tell that he's really only thinking about black
pudding or something.
Trash/Sally/Kevin/Tony
Sally's been left "in charge" again, and Kevin warns
her not to let any of the girls take advantage of her simpering
nature. Sally has no intention of that however - while she's on
the phone Trash tries to sneak in late, and Sally makes a big
thing of it. Poor Trash pretends that's she's been ill (with the
shakes) but Sally is having none of it.
Later, Sally offers over-time to "the girls". Trash's
hand goes up in the air like she's back at school and teacher
wants a volunteer to make cakes. But Sally pretends to ignore
her, until Trash says "Me me me!" "I can't give
you overtime, you came in late," Sally tells her. "You
rotten cow!" Trash bitches. "I know which side of the
fence you're on." "Good!" Sally tells her. "Welcome
to My Capitalist World Trash!"
Meanwhile, Tony and Kevin are playing on the fruit machine in
the cafe after spending ALL day in each other's company. Tony
comes up with a very lame story about how his "old man"
says that all business partnerships are like MARRIAGE and that
they should try to end each day by (literally) shaking hands,
and I don't know why he just doesn't come out with the truth instead
of devising these intricate little plots in order to touch Kevin
on a daily basis.
Kevin thinks it's a bit strange, but agrees to it, and the two
partners shake hands. As Quentin Crisp says "Where,"
I ask myself, "will it all end?"
Becky/Claire/Des
Des and Claire start the day with a snog, which is interrupted
by brat-child who wants her cornflakes (stored in tupperware!)
More trouble is in store for them, when Carol (formerly known
as Mrs In-Law) comes round to lay on a heavy guilty scene at Claire's
feet. She also has a gift from her "My Dead Son" shrine
- a photo of Claire's husband. Claire suggests that Becky puts
it in her room, but Becky puts it straight on top of the tv.
Des and Claire discuss it later - Claire is upset, but Des doesn't
seem to mind too much.
Platts/Stephen
Nicky's got GCSEs coming up and is bored with everyone and everything.
Martin tries to argue some sense into him, but it is like talking
to a brick wall (in many ways).
Gail finally relents and tells Martin to go ahead and enquire
about the holiday to Canada. So Martin invites Stephen round for
a biscuit and explains the situation. Stephen gets on his mobile
phone and arranges the holiday, although they'll have to go at
the end of the week (the sooner the better for me). Martin calls
Nicky down from his bedroom and announces the good news. Then
the whole Platt family start punching the air and saying "Yes!
Yes!" at the prospect of a free holiday, even if it is with
each other. Nicky says, "Yes! Cool!" Credits.
Awards:
Social Message: Martin tells it "like it is": "These
kids who take drugs - they find everything boring - but the fact
is they're the boring ones. I've seen it, I work in a hospital!"
Friday 6 September
Written by Kevin
Albertson
The episode is preceded by the trendy new Cadbury
advert, showing "The Street" made from chocolate dissolving
to form the Cadbury logo. After the music we see the usual view
down the street towards the Kabin and Garage. A small bus goes
past in the new Weatherfield Transport livery of chocolate and
custard.
Platts
The P.s are packing ready for their trip to Canada. Sarah Lou
says she wishes Nicky had "never came back". Join the
club. Gail is busy ironing a pile of T shirts. She wants the customs
people, who she feels sure will search their bags, to know what
a neat and tidy mother she is. As they are leaving, we are treated
to a new (?) camera angle; the camera brings us into the street
from the road at the side of the shop, opposite the P.s house.
Gail is fluffing around like a mad thing and is so excited that
she has tried to force herself into one of Sarah Lou's cast off
dresses.
McDonalds, Bill Webster
Jim receives a letter from Liz, via the solicitors, informing
him that he is being sued. He goes off to see his own solicitor
in a foul mood. Because of this he lets Bill down and they fail
to get a job that Bill had been aiming for. Bill is not interested
in any more problems or excuses. Jim resorts to a string of irish
cliches, including a new one (for him), "stick it out",
but even this display of celtic charm fails to win Bill over.
I don't want that dead head son of yours in the business, says
Bill. "You can work with him, or you can work with me".
Blood is thicker than water, Jim says to Andy later, but my head
is thicker than that bar top; so it is, stick it out, what aboutcha,
OK? Allright?
Kevin, Sally, Trish, Jamie, Mike
Sally notices that Trish is late again. "I've got problems"
says Trish, "you have no concept". This is too much
for Sally, who launches into a tirade she has been rehearsing
all week. "My dad used to beat my mother black and blue and
spend all his money on booze. She had to do three jobs just to
keep us fed and she never missed a day" she says. Not to
be outdone, Trish responds that she used to live in a paper bag
in the middle of the road and she had to clean the road every
morning before setting off for a 23 hour shift down at t'pit.
On return from which her father would whip her into bed with his
belt. You try telling that t'young people today; they won't believe
ya!
Later Trish is holding a stop work meeting to complain about Sally
when Mike comes in. Back to work, yells Mike. "Any trouble
around here comes from Ms Armstrong". Trish tries the old
don't pick on me, I'm a victim approach, but, although it might
work at the DSS, Mike doesn't buy it and confides to Sally that
he is going to fire her and kick her out of her flat. "It
might be the making of her" says Mike. "She might start
acting like an adult." You don't believe that" Sally
says. "Yeah, she's probably beyond redemption", replies
Mike, but agrees to give Trish one last chance. As Kev and Sally
do the dishes that evening, Kev berates her for sticking her neck
out for Trish. He's only been self employed for a week or two
and he already thinks he's a whizz on personnel management. Suddenly
Trish bursts in. She accuses Sally of grassing her up to Mike.
"She's a lousy narc" says Jamie, revealing a side to
his character which we have long suspected existed but which his
innate charm has kept hidden until now. Sally tries to explain,
but Trish isn't prepared to listen.
Gary, Judy, Joyce, Alec
Alec is just on his way out when Joyce arrives in a foul mood;
ostensibly to clean his flat, but actually to sift through Alec's
underwear drawer sniffing at the crutches of his pants and sighing.
Judy arrives shortly after, wanting some advice from her mum.
Between them the Mallats drive Alec off. Joyce is in a foul temper
that Alec hasn't "jumped her bones". "It's not
that I want him to, it's just a bit insulting that he hasn't tried"
she says. "P'raps he's shy" says Judy. Joyce can't cope
with men who aren't after what she believes men are always after.
Seizing her moment, Judy turns the conversation to her problems.
Our Gary is after a child, she says. Either that or another motorbike.
Joyce, who always wanted a grandchild anyway, doesn't provide
much sympathy. "You should be having that conversation with
him not with me". Actually, talking some sense for a change
seems to perk her up a bit. Later Garry comes around to the pub
to take Judy to see the new bike. Forget the bike, says Judy,
let's make babies. Garry jumps over the bar and does his best
to start on the project straight away, but Judy puts him off till
after work. Meanwhile, Joyce decides to have things out with Alec.
"Am I just not your type?" she asks. "No woman
likes to think she's past it". Alec spins her a yarn about
how Bet hurt him. I've been too hurt to love again, he says. "Some
of us appreciate a good man when we see one" says Joyce,
but she can't have seen one yet or she'd realise that Alec isn't.
Back at he pub Garry is trying to persuade Judy to finish work
early. He has had only one thing on his mind since lunch time
and now he "wants to get some baby practice in". He
is hoping that it will prove a long process getting pregnant,
but she dashes his hopes by saying that her family is very fertile.
"I'll see you at home" says Gary giving her what he
considers to be a sexy look and rushes out to get a prescription
for the male pill.
Steven, Alma, Dierdre, Mike, Rita, Mavis
Dierdre is round at the cafe buying some cream buns for Alec.
Much to Alma's consternation, Mike gives Dierdre the number of
Steven's phone. "You got on like a house on fire last time"
he says. So it looks as though the rumours may be true. Later,
in the Kabin, Steven is buying some magazines for the flight.
Rita is wanting to go to Canada too. She tries to torture Steven
into taking her along by singing a duet with Mavis. Steven looks
at her as though she has lost her one remaining marble. "Jeanette
McDonald, Nelson Eddie", says Rita. "I'm Jeanette, she's
Nelson". But Steven hasn't seen that movie. It is all going
hideously wrong when Dierdre comes in. Steven starts watering
at the mouth. They arrange to meet at the "Rovers" for
dinner. "I've travelled so much I'm never in one place long
enough to get married" quips Steven. "It's the first
time I've been out with a man since me 'usband died" says
Dierdre. For some reason this makes Steven smile. Perhaps he is
amused by a conversation consisting entirely of cliches. Alma
comes in and sees the two lovebirds laughing together and comes
over all weak kneed.
Monday 9 September
Written by Kevin
Albertson
It is a bright sunny morning on Coronation Street,
and as we loiter outside the Kabin, looking down towards the Rover's,
a mail van turns the corner and drives away.
Alec, Maxine
Inside the corner shop plots and machinations are afoot.
As Alec enters the shop, our Maureen hastily disposes of the paper
she had been reading and looks up guiltily. Has she been perusing
the male centrefolds? Maxine comes in too and overhears Alec telling
Maurine that he is trying to sort out six acts for Friday night
at Shirelle's place. "I'm free Friday", says our Maxine.
Alec tells her that he only books top professionals. "get
some experience and I might, I say might, be able to help you".
I've noticed before that Elliotism is catching on, I say, it's
catching on. Unfortunately for Alec, all his good acts are busy.
(More likely he doesn't have any good acts). He has to resort
to booking Shadow and Sun and even contemplates agreeing to let
Jack have a go. In the end Alec manages to get Maxine to fill
in for the fee of £25.
Dierdre, Alma
Dierdre is moping around all day behaving like the
last sock left in the washer after everything else has been paired.
She is hoping Steven will ring her or something, but it seems
that they are just ships that pass in the night. "He'll be
back" comforts Alma. Secretly she's pleased as punch, but
Dierdre gets her own back. "Anything over the age of 40 is
used goods in his eyes" she says. Alma is not too pleased
to hear it.
Kev, Sally, Trish, Jamie, Tony
Sally has been whining to Kev about how Trish doesn't
like her. (I'd take it as a compliment). Suddenly Trish and Jamie
walk by. "Grass" calls Jamie. He's wearing a baseball
cap so we all know he means business. Kev wants to go over and
thump him, but Sally says she will sort it out. All the same,
Kev decides to give Trish a piece of his mind. Trish's own mind
is so small that this doubles her intellect and she sees enough
sense to lay off Sal. Later in the Rover's Kev and Tony are wondering
when they are going to have the first little tiff of their strange
and unique relationship. I only mention this truly embarrassing
scene because I know how many are hanging on every word of these
love birds.
Jim, Bill
When Bill arrives to pick up Jim for work, he is astonished
to discover that Jim is actually ready to go. The lads are putting
in a new wheelchair ramp for Maude, who is wearing a very fetching
ice cream on her head. All the same things are not going very
well for "McDonald and Son" today. Bill is still of
the opinion that Jim isn't pulling his weight, but Jim's batteries
are in the wrong way round and he is stuck in sullen and insulting
mode. Maybe he is upset because someone has ripped the sleeves
off his Toronto Blue Jays sweat shirt.
Derek, Mavis, Fred, Jack, Norris
Derek and Mavis are asked by the Weatherfield Historic
Society to let their house be used as a "pause point"
where a guide can address a group during a tour next week. What
is it about their house that is so fascinating they wonder. Mavis
decides to get a book out of the library to do some research.
Why doesn't she just ask Roy? He's sure to know. In the Rover's
Fred is in a very jolly mood. "Nothing like a memorial service
to lift the spirits" he says to Jack. Probably he's made
a killing himself, selling dodgy pork pies for the wake. Fred
blathers on for a while in square-dealerese about great rectangles
in the sky and obelisks. He must have had a bad LSD trip last
night. Jack has got his eye on Fred's crevice, which he wants
to fill, so he gives him a pint on the house. But Derek is convinced
that he might be able to fill the crevice himself, if he can show
his house is historic. "Happen it's the site of the original
wether field" says Fred. Where the locals used to castrate
their rams. "Started the tradition of emasculated males in
the town that continues to this very day". At this, Derek
gives Fred a sheepish grin and decides to reassert his masculinity
by bullying Norris. He threatens to tell Angela about her buried
golf clubs unless Norris gets him into the square dealers. You're
the wrong shape for our crevice says Norris. Meanwhile, back in
the batcave, Mavis has made some progress with the historical
side. I think a famous highwayman "The butcher of Weatherfield"
was hung on a gibbet on the site of our street, she says. Derek
seems to feel that weatherfield butchers haven't changed much
in the last 200 years. (Personally, my theory is that the historical
society want to pause outside the Wilton's house to get a good
view of the Rover's.)
Malletts
"Here's Garry" announces our man as he comes
in from wherever he works. He is hoping to find Judy in the all
together. When she tells him to close his eyes and hold out his
hands he expects to get a bit of a pash going. But it is all a
trick, Judy sneaks up on him with a paint brush and a scraper.
You don't get a baby using these, he says, so he obviously learned
something at school. But it is all part of Judy's mating ritual.
We have to feather the nest before we get an egg laid, she says.
Biggest cliche of the day:
Dierdre asking Shirelle (not at that time in drag)
if he has seen a drag queen. If she says this to all the men she
meets it is little wonder that her social life is in tatters.
Wednesday 11September
Sally/Trash/Gary/Curly/Duckworths
Sally has a new walk - its a highspeed feminine shuffle
and sh'es showing it off in Maureens shop while wearing a lovely
"power-dressing" ensemble. Trash on the other hand has
slung on a few old rags from the bottom of the washing-up basket.
Trash apologises to Sally for shouting at her and thanks her for
putting her neck on the line. She then announces that she will
have Friday off because she has to have "baby-tests."
Sally is suspicious at first, but at the mention of the sacred
"B" word she relents.
Later in the Rovers Trash tells the Duckworths about the baby
tests. Vera is worried and wishes that she could go with her.
Jack tells her to back off. Meanwhile at another table, Gary tells
Curly and Sally that soon he could be a father too. All this talk
of babies in one day is too much for Sally and she is speechless
with joy. Then Curly mentions that he and Rackle might be having
a baby too - is there something in the water?
Fiona/Maxine
Maxine (in fluffy heart t-shirt) and Fiona are arguing
because Maxine has been booked by Alec Gilroy to sing. Fiona says
she's concerned that Maxine is getting her hopes up too high,
but Maxine won't hear any of it. Fiona eventually agrees to accompany
Maxine on her big night out, and announces that she will be bringing
her brother as an "escort."
Mallets/Joyce/Alec
The Mallets have finally gotten round to removing that
awful wallpaper in their house - although one wonders what they
will replace it with? Joyce calls round, and Judy says that they
are going to create a nursery and that she has decided that she
wants to have a baby. Joyce is thrilled. They then discuss Alec
Gilroy and Judy advises Joyce to go to the travel agents and ask
about a holiday. Poor Joyce has no other prospects so she carries
out this dismal plan, only to be humiliated when fickle Alec offers
her a discount instead of instant sex.
Alma/Stephen/Dreary
Stephen's going back to Canada and has come to say
goodbye to Alma. Alma starts asking questions about his relationship
with Dreary and Stephen realises that she still fancies him and
starts being very patronising and tells her that he too once had
a similar problem and he got over it. Poor Alma has not one ounce
of shame left in her body and asks for a kiss "as a friend."
Stephen relents. Alma's not the only one who's breaking her heart
over Stephen though, as Dreary has finally got her teeth sunk
into a piece of story-line and is making the most of it. "It
were only one night," she moans, "you'd think e'd come
and say goodbye." But for some reason Stephen does'nt show
up and and Dreary has to make do with complaining to Alec about
it. Alec feels sorry for her and tries to buck her up by asking
her a question about Samir. A big dreamy smile appears on Drears
face as for the millionth time she assumes the "wistful"
face and starts to monologue about her "special" relationship
with a Morrocan youth.
Des/Becky/Wilts
The Wiltons are on a shopping spree to buy loose furnishings
for their conservatory which they plan to turn into some sort
of after-dinner sitting arrangement thing. Their planning is interrupted
by loud music from next door so they hurry off to Laura Ashley
as quick as they can. Later, Mavis is just plumping the last cushion
on their wicker sofa when they are again interrupted by music.
The Wiltons rush to their garden fence to complain - the noise
is coming from Becky's portable stereo. Des turns it off, so the
Wiltons go back inside to complain about what a horrible child
Becky is and how she has one of those "hard little faces
that have no respect for anything." Des realises that he
has a companion in hatred of the Wilts and instructs Becky to
worm her way into their affections by feigning interest in "Beauty"
their budgie. So Becky puts on a "little girl" voice
and ventures next door. Hours later, Derek is instructing Becky
on how to make "Beauteh" talk and Des has to rescue
her before Derek decides to adopt her.
Maud/Maureen/Bill
Maureen is more dithery than usual - she has almost
forgotten how to walk - and it's because sh'es arranged a blind
date. Not having any friends to turn to, she goes to Aunty Alma
- that fountain of relationship wisdom to ask advice. Alma suggests
that Maureen go on the blind date and enjoy it. Meanwhile, Bill
Webster has met with Maud's approval and she invites him to dinner.
Maureen is crushed when she finds this out and leaves them to
eat alone. At a post restaurant she meets her blind date - who
looks like an alien. Credits.
Awards
Worst line: Fiona "He aint hunky he's my brother".
New word: "noughty". Maud used it several
times: "What's he so noughty for?" etc.
Friday 13 September
Trash/Vera/Sally
Sally offers to walk Trash to work but Trash reminds
her that she has to go to the clinic to have her "triple
tests". Meanwhile, Vera's at the Rovers, worrying about it
all and wishing that she'd gone with her. At the clinic, Trash
gets to sit next to an older version of herself - a scurrilous
woman who tries to scrounge a cigarette from her and is full of
complaints and dour tidings. "My sister had those tests,"
she says. "And she failed them and they got a needle this
long and.." Trash becomes petrified and then leaps up to
leave. The woman turns her attention to someone else to get a
cigarette. But luckily, Vera appears as Trash is leaving so Trash
has to go through with the tests anyway. They are given by a "nice"
Irish nurse who reassures them that everything will be OK. Do
any viewers remember Coronation Street's last Irish nurse storyline
and how that ended in tears? If the Carmel saga was anything to
go by, Trash's baby will probably end up in Argentina and the
Irish nurse will plant a bomb under the Rovers.
Square Dealers/Square Deal wannabees
Three of the Square Dealers, Fred, Norris and Curly
are discussing "Square Deal" issues while Jack and Derek
try to hover as closely as possible. Jack asks Alec what he knows
about the Square Dealers and Alec has some information about an
affiliated group - the Rhombuses who are like the Square Dealers
but not as rigid. Alec also knows the pledge of allegiance which
is some silly quote like "I pledge allegiance to the rhomboid."
Jack repeats this to Curly who is shocked because this is the
incorrect quote. Curly suspects Jack of deviance. And I think
this story-line should wrap itself up before certain people start
getting hurt.
Maud/Maureen/Bill
Maureens date didn't go very well - the man she met
turned out to be very weird (he was probably the head Octagon
of the Square Dealers or something) so Maud invites Bill Webster
back to their house for dinner. They all intend to see a play
at the "Library" theatre but Maureen decides not to.
When Bill has Maud alone he asks her why Maureen disapproves so
much of the play, so Maud gets out the program and we see that
it is titled "My night with Reg" (spookily, on TV this
week is "My night with Maud"). When Maud has been sent
to bed, Maureen and Bill discuss Maureen's blind date. Maureen
says that she has another on Monday and Bill offers to accompany
her on it and before you start thinking "Oho, another bisexual
in the Street", Bill says that he will hover in the background
and only appear if things look to be going badly. Maureen is grateful
and says they will discuss it later.
Fiona/Maxine/Alec/Liz/et al
Tonights Maxine's big night and Alec and her are trying
to rope as many people as possible into coming along to give her
support. Sally and Andy agree to go, while Fiona's bringing along
her scary brother Lee, and Alec asks Joyce if she will accompany
him, ensuring that this will-they won't-they romance teases the
viewers for longer than is necessary. Cut to the end of the episode
and it's all go at"Sharelle's" - an awful dingy nightclub
- although all is not lost because Shadow and Son/Sun have been
exhumed and they're on stagewith their inspiring magic "act".
"What hobject ham I holding in my hand?" hasks Sun/Son,
while poor Shadow grips her forehead (doing an Alma impression)
and gets it all wrong. "Spare her your blushes," deadpans
Son/Sun. "Is it a red hobject?" quivers Shadow, collapsing
under the psychic stress of it all. If I was Mystic Meg I would
sue. Further surprises are in store as it transpires that this
nightclub is run by none other than Liz MacDonald (OK I wasn't
wearing my glasses during this episode) and she's not visiting
her mother after all, but has thrown on her glammest frock and
done double make-up in order to host Alec's "new talent"
night under her stage name of "Sharelle". She's not
too pleased with Shadow and Son/Sun, however, and starts to get
stroppy with Alec who blusters and pins his hopes on Maxine. At
this point there is a fortuitous cut and by the time we come back
Maxine is just screeching out the end to "I want to be loved
by you."
The people whom she's dragged along (Kevin, Andy, Tony etc) clap
but it's obvious that sh'es only slightly better than Shadow and
Son/Sun and not as good as that woman who tears up telephone directories
in a green leotard. Liz seems to think she's OK though - and then
announces that there will be a "singalong" and she will
be coming round with the microphone. Kevin has a go at singing
but is rapped on the head and told to be quiet, so then Fiona
is given a try, and unsurprisingly is very good. Liz drags her
up on stage and she gets to give a full performance to much applause.
"You've been hiding all your best acts," says Liz to
Alec. Alec blusters and makes a few excuses. Meanwhile Maxine
looks incredibly sulky. Credits.
Awards
Surreal: Was it me or was this whole episode more bizarre than
normal? The nightclub scenes were especially strange. Maybe it
was the return of Shadow and Son/Sun, or the awful singing, or
the sight of Liz McDonald looking vaguely attractive.
Welcome back: Fred Elliot - although you weren't exploited
enough. Maybe the writers are trying to ease you back gently into
the show. Also, hello to Shadow and Son - two characters who deserve
their own spin-off sitcom.
Bored Award: I am bored to bits with the silly chocolate
version of the Street already. How dare this little bit of animation
waste precious seconds of my life every week. As a protest I am
not going to buy any more chocolate.
Monday 16 September
Ken/Mrs Headmistress
A rare episode where Ken appears at the school - Jameh's
being told off by the cross headmistress with the flecks of grey
in her hair, and when Ken stands up for him, Mrs Head goes all
cynical and jaded and says "They're all liars! Just in preparation
for adult life!" So she's obviously been hurt in some relationship
crisis or something. Mrs Head wants Ken to stand in for an ill
teacher, who is normally in charge of the school play. Ken makes
excuses but Mrs Head shouts at him. Later, Ken calls back and
the Headmistress is looking wistfully out of the window. "Is
there anything wrong?" he asks. "No," she says.
I don't think we've heard the last of this somehow.
ATTENTION! BUY CADBURY CHOCOLATE!
Alec/Fiona/Maxine
Alec's relating Frida's events to an excited Dreary,
and tells her that Fiona is going to be his next big star. However,
at the salon he is given a frosty reception by Miss Hard-Face
who tells him that she doesn't believe a word he says and that
he's treated Maxine badly. Alec blusters and leaves. Poor Maxine
is depressed and envious of Fiona's lifestyle and talents. The
two girls trade compliments in order to see who is more jealous
of whom. "You're sexy," "Well yu've gota boyfriend!"
"Well he used to be your boyfriend." etc.
Later in the Rovers, the thought of becoming a real singer is
starting to tempt Fiona and she apologises to Alec about being
rude to him. Alec offers to buy her a vodka, but Fiona realises
that she is dancing "too close to the flame" and rushes
off to the toilets to refill her poison sacks.
CADBURY CHOCOLATE!
Jim/Liz/Dreary
Liz is back, and her hair is as terrifyingly toxic
as ever. She saunters down the Street hand in hand with Dreary,
but their little walk is interrupted by Jim who is still fuming
over her court order. "Did you have a nice time," snarls
Jim, launching into one of his sarcastic furious speeches. Liz
looks blankly defiant until Dreary says "Come on Liz"
and drags her into the Rovers. Judy Mallet comes out of her house
and announces to nobody in particular "I don't feel well."This
is met with more resentment from egocentric Jim who is the only
one who is allowed to have problems.
BUY CADBURY!
Trash/Jameh/Duckworths
Trash has been witnessing the street fight between
Liz and Jim and it sends shivers down her spine as it reminds
her of her own marital arguments with Big Carl who is in prison.
But Trash suddenly remembers that he's getting out soon, and hell
soon be sniffing round again. She tells Vera and Jack who are
not pleased at all. Jack remembers how Carl already beat him up.
The Duckworths have Trash and Jameh round for tea that night -
although the only food I could see was a few old sandwiches and
a Mr Kipling cake. While Jameh is getting crisps Trash tells Jack
and Vera that her husband is in Strangeways and she lied to Jameh
telling him that his father was in a faraway prison and not living
practically next door. "And I believed you too!" cries
Jameh from the doorway. However, this dramatic scene is neutralised
when Trash explains that it was all "for the best."
Meanwhile the Duckworths are dreading the return of Carl.
Maud/Maureen/Bill
Maureen has arranged another blind date and tells Maud
she is going out with Bill. The truth is more complicated, however,
as Bill is to wait at another table and jump in if things start
to go badly. They arrange for Maureen to drop her bag if she needs
help, and Bill suggests that she play with her hair (as she is
doing now) if she is attracted to him (it's a bit deep this week
isn't it.) Later, Maureen meets her date at a posh pub - he touches
her back, causing a huge attack of dizziness. "You must be
nervous enough without being approached from behind," (really!!)
says her date. "Yes! No! Er! haha!" quips Maureen. The
date seems to be going well though so the pair head off to eat
and Bill looks utterly crushed. He leaves and when Maureen turns
round to thank him for coming, she realises that he has gone -
she plays with her hair and then does a jaunty little run after
her new man. Credits.
Awards
Best image: Derek, absolutely swathed in towels in the salon,
looking like a complete nelly.
Best line: Judy muses on the problems of parenting:
"What if I leave it on the bus!"
Wednesday 18 September
Ken/Headmistress
Ken is running the school play, and Mrs Headmistress
calls him into her office with some excuse about being concerned
about giving him too much to do. Suddenly she gets out the sherry
and announces that her husband (of 20 years) recently left her
and she has no friends so she's telling Ken. All Ken can do is
make sympathetic noises and hope that she's not making a pass
at him.
Maureen/Maud/Bill
Maureen is in a state of high excitement after her
date with her new boyfriend. She stops Bill in the street to tell
him how wonderful it was, not realising that he is carrying a
torch with her. Later Maud complains (for something to do) that
Maureen is spending a lot of time with Bill, so Maureen says that
they are just friends. "A man and a woman can't be friends,"
says Maud. "Unless one of them's what you'd call gay."
And I think Maureen had better change Maud's magazine subscription
from Cosmopolitan to Women's Realm before she starts urging Maureen
to join a lesbian co-operative or something. Maureen gets so annoyed
that she tells Maud the truth and that she met a man through a
personal advert. "I'm speechless!" says Maud. "Really?"
quips Maureen. "You'll have me wishing I'd done it years
ago." Ba boom!
Jameh/Duckworths
Vera and Jack are worried that Carl is going to try
to get back in touch with Trash, but they convince themselves
that he won't be able to find her as she's moved house. Meanwhile,
Jameh is writing a letter, as Becky and Lauren find out when they
interrupt him at school. Jameh says it is to his father who is
in Saudi Arabia. But the naughty child is going to reveal his
address to father, getting him back on the scene.
Fiona/Alec/Dreary/Rita
Alec is still complaining about Fiona's lack of motivation
in becoming a nightclub singer - so Dreary suggests that Alec
pays to have her trained professionally. Alec thinks this is a
good idea (warning - never, EVER, follow any advice given by Dreary
unless you want to end up throwing flowers at your comatose daughter).
Alec puts the offer to Fiona anyway, who agrees. He then asks
Rita (remember Rita - she used to be a famous nightclub singer
under the name of Red Wiggetta) if she will train Fiona. Big Red
refuses but then Fiona comes in to "thank" her for offering,
so Rita has to agree anyway. And I just can't wait for
the teacher-pupil scenes that will follow.
Square Dealers
Fred Elliot visits Alec to offer him Tommy Mook's place
in the sacred rectangle. "Will you accept us invitation?"
But Alec senses that this secret society is camper than anything
he was involved in during his days as Ada with Les Dawson and
declines, knowing that he will not be able to keep a straight
face. He then boasts to Derek and Jack that Fred made him an offer
which he turned down, causing Derek to do his Tony Hancock impression
and look thwarted.
Andy/Jim/Liz/Bill
Jim's sprouted a lot of stubble to demonstrate how
angry he is at Liz. Andy urges him to go and see Steve, but Jim
refuses to go if it means he has to sit next to Liz. And what
with the horrible vertical stripes of the McDonald's wallpaper,
and the horrible horizontal stripes of Andy's shirt, I'm starting
to feel a bit dizzy. Liz calls round to see Jim and tells him
that she doesn't want to argue and then someone came round our
house to see about a new gas fire and by the time I got back to
the tv Jim was complaining that Liz wanted half of everything
that he owned and that he wasn't going to put up with it "so
he wasn't". He trounces into the Rovers, where Liz is fluffing
up her hair and trying to chat up Dreary. Jim then announces to
Liz and Bill that he's pulling out of his business partnership
so that Liz will get half of nothing. Closeup of Liz, nostrils
flaring. Credits.
Awards
Glamour Tiara: A rare entry for Ken tonight, who was looking extremely
beautiful in his shirt and tie. I was especially impressed by
his hair that finally seems to have found a style that works.
He could have been a model for Timotei tonight. However, those
dreadful old glamour vampires, Rita and Liz had a few aces up
their sleeves... Liz was in a red gypsy woman costume - all frills
and plunging neckline, and had wrapped a huge black belt round
her waist. The "L" necklace was on view again, and her
hair was exceptionally toxic tonight. However, this must be weighed
against the Big Red Wig, that was on backwards, complete with
a classy lemon-suit ensemble, with a fork brooch on the front.
Yes, you have read this correctly... Rita was wearing a
brooch that was shaped exactly like a fork on the front
of her jacket. No contest. Wear your Tiara with pride ladeh.
Kitchen sink award: The empty bottle of tomato ketchup
featured prominently in every camera angle in the McDonald house.
I hate it when they try too hard at reality.
Friday 20 September
Jim/Maud/Bill
Bill calls to see Jim to check for himself that Jim
doesn't intend to work. Jim reassures him that he's not working
and then goes to the pub. Nursing an orange juice and a wounded
ego, Jim is even more self-pitying than usual (and he hasn't got
rid of that annoying stubble - Jim you are not George Michael).
Jack makes some quip about Jim having the life of Riley now that
he's not working, which makes Jim furious and he demands a large
whiskey that he drinks off straight away. Later in the corner
shop, Jim buys a bottle of whiskey from Maud. Maud asks him if
it is for a birthday present and Jim agressively tells her to
mind her own business. The Battleaxe is suddenly a scared old
woman in a wheelchair, and is close to tears when Maureen asks
her about it later.
Mavis/Emily
Thanks to the Wiltons, Coronation Street is now one
of the stops on a Murder Trail, due to some silly history society
that the Wilts got involved in. A tour guide tells a group of
pensioners that on the spot of the pillar box, an 18th century
highwayman was executed. Mavis joins the group to bask in the
excitement, but then the next stop is her house where the guide
describes in gory detail the murder of Ernest Bishop.
Mavis is shocked and rushes away - but she hasn't noticed Emily
Bishop who must have joined the tour by mistake. Emily complains
to the organiser who tells her that the Wiltons "gave their
consent" (as if this matters). So Emily marches to the Kabin
to have it out with Mavis. The Mave hides behind Rita and stays
on the telephone until Emily leaves, but she can't hide forever.
Emily returns and the two women have a row, each on the verge
of tears. Mavis is more dithery than ever, so Derek says that
he will sort everything out. Quick everyone - to the underground
bunkers before it's too late!
Drear/Trash
Drear tells Trash that a man has left a note for her
at the flat, and oh no - it's Carl. Trash is so upset that she
has to have a large gin and cry on Dreary's shoulder - which is
probably already soaking wet considering she's a walking Helpline
for most of the other members of the Street.
Fiona/Rita/Liz/Alec
Rita "trains" Fiona - although these scenes
appear to have been cut - all we get is the beginning and end
of a piano playing. Meanwhile, Alec has some publicity photos
of Fiona prepared (one in a bikini - take note!) It's her big
night at Sharelle's (why must Liz McDonald have such a silly stage
name?) The "crowd" seem to like Fiona's caterwailing
so Liz urges her to do an encore. Fiona says that she doesn't
know the words to any other songs prompting Liz to show her cruel
and sarcastic side. Backstage, Rita, Maxine and Alec tell Fiona
that she's "got what it takes" and that she's going
to make it to the top. Meanwhile, Fiona seems to be suffering
post traumatic stress disorder as she's staring into the mirror
as if in shock. (Or maybe she's just suddenly realised that her
cheekbones are all the way up to her eyebrows.) Credits.
Awards
Best line: Jim demonstrates exactly what makes alcoholics so lovable.
"Get me a piggin' large whiskey!"
Best acting: Emily - it was nice to see her with a
good storyline - even if it is such a depressing one. Her speech
to Mavis was excellent.
Who's That Girl? Has anyone noticed how whenever Dreary
appears, she's always got that huge bag hanging from her shoulder
as if she's on the cover of a 1970s knitting pattern? Who does
she think she is?
Monday 23 September
Jim/Andy/Sally
It's the night after another drunken binge at Jim McDonald's
house and the place is strewn with beercans. Jim still
has that awful stubble - you'd think that now he's not working
he'd have had the time to shave it all off. Andy is wringing his
hands and generally acting like Liz used to, but there's no point
in trying to argue Jim out of his self-pity.
By the end of the episode, Jim's drunk again and in full rant
mode. Andy's doing his best to calm him down, but isn't having
any luck. And someone's furiously banging on the door. "Shut
up!" Jim shrieks - little bits of spittle are actually seen
to fly through the air. Andy answers the door and it's Sally,
doing a good impersonation of Jane Horrocks, asking Jim to be
quiet as she has two children trying to sleep next door. This
makes Jim even worse - he is now damned forever as it is against
the rules to ever shout at Sally.
The argument continues into the street and eventually Bill manages
to placate Jim and send him inside.
Percy/Emily/Wiltons
Percy is one of his complaining moods again, and has
decided to fully back Emily against the Wiltons. Derek, acting
surprisingly rationally calls round to see Emily to apologise
for his involvement in the Murder Trail and gives us the exciting
information that "Mavis has almost been sick with worry all
weekend." Emily purses her lips and says that it will take
her a long time to forgive them. Percy stands behind her and makes
threatening noises, so Derek goes back to Mavis and tells her
to stay away from Emily for a while.
But silly Mavis can't leave alone and she calls round (in a plastic
see-through rain hat!) to offer a box of mint creams as a consolation
prize. Emily uses this as ammunition to suggest that Mavis is
trying to get rid of her own guilt, and sends poor Mavis away.
The Wiltons crawl back to the Rovers, and Mavis anxiously fingers
her rainhat while Derek comiserates.
Fiona/Maxine/Rita/Alec
Fiona's cutting someone's hair, but there are four
of those long Medusa tendrils in her eyes so I wouldn't trust
her anywhere near me with a pair of scissors. Alec turns up to
give her a rose and encourage her to try again at singing. However,
Fiona didn't like the feeling of not being in control and tells
Alec it's all over. Alec leaves some backing tapes with Maxine
- and so we are subjected to Miss Flat-Tones belting out "Big
Spender".
Big Red later calls into the salon and interrupts Fiona and Maxine
singing. "Sorry," says Fiona. "We were just having
a laugh". (So were 13 million viewers no doubt.) Rita gives
Fiona some sucky speech about how Alec has no taste and how Fiona
is his big chance at stardom and of course Fiona buys the whole
thing.
Trash/Duckworths
Trash is in her depressing kitchen - and look! It's
the bottle of tomato ketchup that was terrorising the McDonald
household in Friday's episode. Trash finds out from Jameh that
he's supplied Carl with their address and phone number and in
a panic she runs to Jack and Vera to beg them to let her move
in with them. The Duckworths are reluctant and urge Trash to visit
Carl in prison and talk to him first.
Maud/Maureen/Bill
Maud is questioning Maureen about her date with the
dentist but Maureen is acting strangely (more than usual) and
tells Mother that it's all over. She won't give reasons other
than the fact that she felt "out of her depth".
Later, when Bill calls into the shop to see her, Maureen breaks
down and admits that her dentist never bothered to show up for
their date, and Maureen felt humiliated. Bill sees his chance
and moves closer to comfort her. This immediately prompts the
camera-man to climb on a chair and film it all from above their
heads - as there's now a new rule that whenever two characters
interact in a "touching" emotionally charged fashion
it must be filmed from above.
However, if Bill was hoping for a kiss, he's disappointed as Maureen
goes giddy and confused and asks him to leave so she can turn
the burglar alarm off (I must remember that excuse the next time
one of my "tricks" refuses to leave). Poor Bill wanders
out and is forced to salivate after Maureen as she drives off
into the night. Credits.
Awards
Big Hair: Maureen had piled it all up on her head. Listen ladeh,
this is not "Amazon Women on the Moon." Put it back
where it belongs.
Bitchy lines: Part One - Samantha explains to Judy
why people have families - because married couples get bored with
each other and need something to stay together: Samantha: "Happy,
neurotic, repressed little families!" Judy: "Who do
you think you are? Robbie Coltrane?"
Bitchy lines: Part Two - Judy wants to know why Samantha
doesn't have a boyfriend of her own. Samantha: "Between you
and me, I prefer women." Judy (shrinking back): "Well
that's probably just as well because most men would run a mile
from you."
Wednesday September 25th
Platts/Audrey/Alfeh
Alf and Audrey are looking forward to the impending
return of the Platts who are due back today. But when they come
back, a headcount reveals that one of their number is missing.
It's Nicky (hurrah!) "Nicky's staying in Canada," announces
that spooky little girl Sarah Lou -who is often used as a device
in order to reveal unlikely yet true information. Audreh doesn't
believe her, but Gail announces that it's all true. However, how
can Audreh believe a family who are all smothered in fake tan?
As if to validate Nicky's decision, Gail and Martin
declare that they have spent the whole holiday discussing why
they abandoned their child in Canada. Audreh is not approving
at first, but then she finds out that Nicky will be mixing with
the Canadian elite (whoever they are) and going to a posh private
school. So that's allright. At night-time, Gail and Martin are
feeling a bit glum, so Gail rings Canada to talk to Nicky, just
to show that they haven't forgotten about him.
Jim/Andy/Sally
Is Jim practising for the Rock and Roll contest at
the Rovers? No, he's got the DTs and can't stop shaking all over.
Andy clucks and tuts like the old woman that he is gradually turning
into, but there's nothing he can do. Fortunately in the next scene,
Jim has put a clean shirt on, had a shave and declared that he's
back on the orange juice and that the last time he had a binge
like that was when some of his army "muckers" got exploded.
Surely this is a bit too quick a resolution to his alcoholic story-line?
Sue-Ellen had to spend a week in a "drink-tank" back
in the 80s.
To prove that the "New" Jim means business,
he apologises to Sally in the Rovers. Sally, being utterly anodyne
accepts this and allows him to buy her a drink.
Trish/Jameh
Jameh (gratuitous bare chest scene alert!) wants to
know if Daddy has written, but Trash says he hasn't and then secretly
reads the letter that Carl has posted to her. Trash alerts the
Duckworths about it, and she decides that she'll have to go and
visit him.
Wiltons/Des
Des has free tickets to some trashy play, and wants
to take Claire. However they have to get a baby-sitter for Becky
(why don't they just ask Jim McDonald?) Des decides that the Wiltons
are the best choice, so he goes to the Kabin to buy Mavis a box
of chocolates (note how they keep sneaking the word "chocolate"
into the story-line - last time it was Mavis buying some for Emily
- we are being brainwashed into buying chocolates for our friends
- and Cadburys are going to make a packet.) Anyway, Mavis likes
the CHOCOLATES but can't babysit, so it was all for nothing.
Later, the Wiltons decide that they are now child psychologists
and that Becky has become so attached to their budgie (Beauteh)
because the budgie has replaced her dead father. (I can validate
this as it is the first thing I learnt when I took my Psychology
degree.) "But what happens when Des dumps Claire?" cries
Mavis. "Becky will have more trauma!" To solve the problem,
the Wilts give Beauteh to Des and Becky - thus ensuring that Des's
plan backfires beautehfully.
Curly/Fred/Norris
Fred and Norris have arranged for Curly to be "tried"
for blabbing the silly sacred square deal oath around. Curly thinks
he is to be promoted. Curly raises a pint to Fred and Norris in
the Rovers, not realising that the laughter of the other two is
more sinister than jovial. (Fred Elliot's laughter is always sinister
- especially if it occurs before the Credits.)
Awards
Best lines: The Wiltons swept the floor in this episode,
and managed to crush two of their most vicious enemies, Des and
Big Red.
Derek: "Are you saying we should bar her from
coming into the house in case she becomes too dependant on our
budgie?"
Mavis to Big Red Wig: "Animals bring out the nicest
side of people. That's why I'm always on to you to get a pet."
Friday September 27th
(This episode almost didn't get written - I set
the video to tape CS while I went to the cinema. When we got back,
we disturbed a burglar who ran out the back door. I found the
video in the garden wrapped in a coat. Unfortunately, he got away
with my video-camera (which contains very embarrassing footage).
My sister was particularly outraged as he had been through her
clothes. She summed up the situation by saying "At this moment
he is probably fingering my underwear while thinking of the Spice
Girls." When your own life becomes more traumatic than that
of the Wiltons there is little time to concentrate on soaps.)
Anyway...
Maureen/Bill
After weeks of embarrassed fumbling and avoiding each
other, Maureen is confronted by Bill in the Rovers and has to
admit that she has "feelings." However, it's never easy
going with Maureen so the far have to go and have a sit down while
Maureen works out how to put a sentence together. Meanwhile, the
sexual tension grows between our next couple...
Mrs Headmistress/Ken
Mrs Head is giving Ken a lift home after watching him
at the school play rehearsals. She shows interest in the Rovers,
making some feeble excuse about how all pubs are themed these
days, and decides that the Rovers is "worth a look"
because of this. On the basis of this premise, Ken decides that
it is "worth a look" too (despite the fact that he goes
there about eight times a day, just like everyone else in CS).
Once inside, Vera honks out "OOo! Who's your new lady-friend
Ken?" and generally embarrasses the pair.
Sitting in one of the more secluded areas of the Rovers,
Mrs Head tells Ken he will have to go on a weekend multimedia
course and guess what - she'll be going too. I don't know why
she doesn't just impale herself on him there and then as the pool
of saliva she's creating is causing people to slip all over the
floor. Ken'll soon be wishing he'd left his hair in that flyway
state that made Denise pack her bags.
Curly/Fred/Norris
I didn't understand this scene at all, but I never
understand any of the Square Deal story-lines. Curly has an "audience"
with Fred and Norris in some crypt-like part of the Square Deal
HQ. Curly still thinks he is to be promoted, but Norris announces
that he has divulged the Sacred Oath to outsiders, and thus begins
the silliest ceremony ever. Fred puts on a big necklace that he
probably found in the Big Red Wig's dustbin and intones something
about betraying the sisterhood etc. Then, he takes it off and
opens up a little jewellery box (also from Red Wig's collection)
and takes out a little paper-knife wrapped in a flannel. "Seven
times seven are the numbers," he drawls. "Seven times
seven will be your punishment." "The forty-seven tasks!"
shrills Norris. "What are the 47 tasks?" asks Curly.
Norris and Fred look bewildered. They don't know either. "You
shall find out in good time," says Norris. Yes, well. I'd
like to go home now please.
Fiona/Alec
But there is no rest for any of us as Fiona's bought
a new dress and has been cajoled to put it on in front of Maxine
and Judy. It looks nice (if you like that sort of thing) but Alec
is staggered because it was expensive. The next thing we know,
Alec is dragging Fiona down dark smelly corridors (it's not a
nightmare, it's the backstage warrens of some awful nightclub.)
Alec eventually reveals the "dressing-room" - a dingy
room with a tiny mirror and two little bare lightbulbs. Fiona
is overcome with excitement.
Platts/Audreh/Don
Audreh is having a boast to Rita and Mavis about how
Nicky is now living with the creme de la creme of Canada, but
Don walks in halfway through and gets the jist of it. He marches
straight to the Platts to make a huge fuss and complain that Nicky's
inheritance really belongs to him, and that the Platts are Bad
Parents. Again, Martin and Gail say that they "talked"
about Nicky's decision for the whole holiday (and by now I can
imagine the whole holiday in lurid detail). Don becomes hysterical
(I don't know why him and Jim move in together and become the
Street's first alcoholic couple) so Martin offers to throw him
out and Don says he will do it himself.
Trash/Carl
Trash goes to visit Carl in prison (they're getting
the most out of their prison set. Or do CS have an "arrangement"
with Strangeways?) Carl comment that the people in prison are
more honest than the people outside who are giving themselves
pay rises etc. Trash points out that that doesn't make Carl's
crimes allright. Unfortunately Carl is too stupid to understand
the finer points of criminal ethics and his dullard little face
remains passive as her listens to Trash saying "We're through
- you can see Jameh but our marriage is over." Then she says
that she wants to look after her CHILDREN. Carl puts two and two
together and gets three because he's not very bright. So Trash
tells him that she is pregnant. This arouses the cave-man instinct
in Carl and he brays "You're my wife you slut" and hits
her in the face. The prison guards stand around filing their nails
and swapping knitting patterns. Really! Credits.
Awards: There aren't any this week. I'm in a bad mood
because of the break-in.
Monday 30 September
Curly/Rackle
She's back with a new wig and an attitude implant.
"Isn't it strange how things seem smaller when you've been
away," she comments. But surely she's been away tons of times
before this and never realised this. Does this mean she's now
got ideas above her station?
In the Rovers, the other residents are all falling
over themselves to be nice to Rackle - Vera even drags her through
to 't back room and apologises for sacking her. "I wish you
were still working here," she says. "I don't" comments
Rackle in an aside (see - I know all the theatrical jargon today).
To ram the point home that Rackle is changed, she even
starts complaining about the wallpaper and wondering if they should
redecorate. Then she comes out with some nonsense about how people's
insides should be changed and we all wear masks etc - and I wasn't
sure if I'd turned over to Bravo by mistake and was watching a
rerun of "Monkey" by this point.
Fiona/Big Red
Alec is letting Fiona and Rita have a student-teacher
chat in the Rovers. Rita wants to know if Fiona got a tingling
feeling while she was performing, but being a Generation Xer,
Fiona can only say that it "wasn't boring," causing
Rita to look miserable and say that it's early days yet.
Maureen/Bill/Jim
Maureen and Bill are acting like two silly teenagers
in love. Jim spots that something must be up because Bill hasn't
said the phrase "we have to put our divorces behind us and
get on with the rest of our lives" for ages. He correctly
guesses that Maureen is that special someone.
Andy/Anne
It's moving day for Mr Henpecked and Ms Hitler. Andy
has his luggage in a couple of binbags, but Anne has packed about
thirty boxes and numbered them all, and what's more, they
have to be opened in order. If I was Andy I'd be ordering martial
counselling sessions in bulk, and IN ADVANCE because this is an
unprecedented level of anality, even by the standards of Derek
and Mavis.
Drear/Jack/Trash/Jameh
It might be a weekend episode because instead of going
to school, Jameh's hanging out with best friend, The Drear, and
asking her why Trash feels the need to "go out with her friends".
Drear explains that sometimes, northern women feel the need to
let their hair down, but Jameh is too young to understand. Drear
starts musing that her problem is that she doesn't let her hair
down often enough - which is probably just as well. Fortunately,
before the Drear is allowed to become too wistful this "amusing"
scene is interrupted by the appearance of Trash who looks as if
she's had her make-up done by Liz McDonald - especially around
the mouth. "It looks worse than it really is," Trash
notes, but Jameh is horrified and does not believe Trash's story
about how she collided with a high heel whilst dancing round her
handbag.
Trash can't keep up the "brave mum" act for
long and is soon knocking on the door of the Duckworths. She bursts
into tears on Jack's shoulder, who tells Samantha to get Vera.
When Trash has calmed down, Vera tells her that they will "look
after her" financially so to speak. Later in the cafe, Trash
tells Alma another version of how she got her sore lips. Jameh
overhears and thinks that Trash picked up another "wrongun"
at the nightclub. He later tells the Drear that everything will
be OK when Daddy comes back, and he's not as stupid as people
think he is (!) Credits.
Awards:
The Lynne Perrie Collagen Bouquet goes to Trash for
her deliciously swollen lips. If only Ivy had been able to think
on her feet - she could have claimed this story-line for herself
instead of being sent to a convent and having to come back as
a gust of wind.
Miss Thing trophy: Rackle. Who would have thought that
spending 10 weeks rubbing baby-oil into the tender bits of perfect
strangers would turn her into such a Duchess. Plenty of my friends
have been doing this for years and they've still got their feet
(well one foot at least) firmly on the ground.
Written by Paul
Baker
Visit my Handbag
Homepage and read "I married myself!" - a shocking
story of social inadequacy in the typing pool.
