Curly/Rackle/Fred/Norris
Curly looks peaky and Rackle gets out the whole silly story about the 49 tasks. Sensibly (see she has changed) she tells Curly that the Square Dealers are daft and that he must put a stop to it all by refusing to co-operate. With good intentions, Curly tries to do this, but Fred and Norris tell him that Mr Firman is coming all the way back from Lowestoft early just so he can be at Friday's special lodge meeting where Curly will be ritually humiliated. Curly agrees to go as he is afraid he will be sacked otherwise.
Vera/Jack/Don
Jack is in 't back room writing out a cheque - but that disembodied brain that Vera gets to use every so often warns her that he's up to no good. Vera questions Jack about the money, and Jack says it's £80 for that horse, Betty's Hotshot - anyone remember this story-line? Why have they suddenly resurrected this? Read on... Once Vera's gone, Jack continues to write the cheque and then the camera goes closer and closer and closer until we can read that Jack is making out a cheque for £160.
Later, Vera steams open the envelope that the cheque was placed in, and discovers the lie. Jack is hauled out for some Advanced Level nagging. He admits that he is paying Don's share as Don has no money these days. Vera is not sympathetic and says that giving Don money will not help him and that he has to help himself (is she in the pay of Norman Tebbit?) Vera tells Don that when they were hard-up they got a lodger and now Don should do the same. And THAT was the whole point of the above story-line. Maybe he'll get Samantha - she looks like she'll take any plot that's going.
Trash/Jameh/Dreary
Trash's face has still not returned to normal - and the Drear is excited to discover a police van outside her home. The police are looking for Trash and they encourage her to press charges against Carl as there were lots of witnesses who saw him hit her (the whole country in fact). But Trash waggles her arms around alarmingly and says that she just wants to be left alone. The Police leave, disappointed that they didn't get the conviction, but not before Jameh bursts in and wants to know what is going on. "I'm not daft" you know, he cries (and if I ever redo the CS drinking game then that little quote is going in first.) Trash makes up some obvious lie to Jameh who tells her that he is never going to (a) believe anything she says or (b) speak to her again.
Bill/Maureen/Jim
Jim McDonald (Wearing Toronto sweat-shirt and cut-off sleeves - just smell the testosterone) appears in the shop to congratulate Maureen on getting Bill and telling her that it must be a relief after she was stood up, and that he might try personal columns soon himself. Maureen is humiliated beyond words and takes out a symbolic ray-gun from her 1950s beehive Queen of Outer-Space Hairstyle and blows up her relationship with Bill. Credits.
Awards
Old CS vs New CS: Yesterday I had a little moan to ratucs complaining that the "old" episodes (now shown on Granada Plus) were better as they were full of "interesting" and "strong" women"...I take it all back. I watched an episode in full yesterday - and realised that the pace crept along - there were only one and a half story-lines in it, and some of the scenes seemed to drag on for ten minutes. And is it just me, or does everyone else have difficulty looking at Len Fairclough for more than a few seconds? No, I concede, the new episodes are more befitting the "hectic" 90s world of today.
Best New Soap by a CS writer. Did anyone else watched the much hyped first episode of "SpringHill" (Sky One - Monday)? Set inside a Liverpudlian family, this soap promises to break new boundaries by featuring "realistic dialogue" - everyone talking at once, and "powerful storylines" - the youngest son (has a girl's voice and wants to be a priest) sees dead Grandad on a football field. The adverts are hilarious - Aveline out of "Bread" holding up one finger and hissing "Tell the Kids!", and an awful looking teenage girl who would probably eat CS's Becky for breakfast saying "Some girls mature faster than others!" while smirking and looking like a 45 year old. At the moment it's only on once a week but in a couple of years there'll be 20 episodes a day. Be warned.
Maureen/Bill/Jim/Maud
Jim has decided that he's going to join a monastary as his blabbing brogue has gotten Bill into trouble and now Maureen's not speaking to him. Meanwhile Maureen's having yet more trauma in the shop, and refuses to tell Maud why she doesn't want to see Bill again. "When Reg left me I thought I'd never trust another man again," she whitters. "And I was right!" Well Maureen, I remember you when you first appeared in Coronation Street - you had dark hair and it was in a normal style. Now you think you're ZsaZsa Gabor. You're lucky to get Bill.
Andy/Anne/Samantha/Don
At Chez Hitler's house, Anne has bought Andy a special present. Andy is excited - with parents like Jim and Liz I can imagine that Christmas was probably a yearly anti-climax in the McDonald household. But Anne produces a rent book and says that now Andy can claim housing benefit as he's a poor student. Maybe the rules have been changed on this again but I remember in 1990 when I became a student we were told that we could no longer claim housing benefit. My sister who is still a student isn't allowed to - so 0/10 to the CS writers for not checking.
Andy isn't pleased with his gift and moans to Samantha about it who launches into a long story about a past house-mate who used to have all her socks lined up in order of size on the radiator. Andy says that Anne does that too. Scary.
Meanwhile, Don has placed a card for a lodger in the Kabin and later asks Samantha if she's looking for a room. Samantha says she is but it has a view of the "Med". Don looks put upon. He's probably getting bronzer poisioning just by breathing the air near Samantha's face...
Curly/Racquel/Norris/Fred/Fiona
Curly tells Racquel that he backed down over the Square Deal 49 tasks and has agreed to go to the meeting. Meanwhile Fred and Norris panic over what the 49 tasks are - the Great Book is missing from the Sacred Box - so they have to make them up.
At the annointed hour, Curly realises that Mr Firman is not going to be there after all and he has been tricked. He goes through with the silliness anyway, and when he gets back he tells Raquel that it will take 7 years to complete the 49 tasks - and that each task represents a period of time, seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. Raquel is not impressed and encourages him to wash his hands of it all. But Curly points out that if he does none of the other Square Dealers would speak to him and he would lose his job.
In another part of the episode, Racquel bumps into Fiona in the Rovers and they exchange pleasantries. Fiona kindly reminds us that she threw Racquel out of the backroom of the salon many episodes ago - and then she offers Racquel her old room back. However, Racquel is now a Princess with Attitude and says she wants something a little more upmarket. Fiona is humiliated.
Then Racquel goes for a job interview and gets the job - but she turns it down because she decides that she is capable of getting whatever she wants. So Curly may as well prepare the divorce papers right now.
Trash/Jameh/Becky/Lauren
Jameh is sitting on that wall again with Becky and Lauren and they've all got different types of lolly-pops (it's just like a Bisto Kids poster from 1946). Jameh says that his Dad is in Saudi and coming back soon. When he is gone, Lauren tells Becky that Daddy is really in Strangeways - and a strange flicker of compassion crosses Becky's face - for the first time.
Later, Trash tells Jameh that it was Daddy who beat her up, and so Jameh runs away and goes and hides with Jack's pigeons. When Trash finally catches up with him, Jameh is unco-operative and tells her that she should have expected Carl to hit her. He then runs off down a back alley and into the darkness, leaving Trash to scream "Jameh! JAMEH!" Credits.
Awards
Best scene: Derek and Mavis in the Rovers. Derek's talking about words that sound funny, much to the Mave's bordeom: "Thripenny bit - there's another one! Thripenny bit. Thripenny bit. Thripenny bit...." and so on.
Best object: "The Great Pen" - one of the "artifacts" from the Square Deal sacred coffers. What makes a pen great??
Rackle/Curly/Fred
Rackle and Curly are licking envelopes at home - at first I thought she'd got one of those "You too can make 600 pounds an hour from the privacy of your own home!" jobs. But she's just sending off job applications. Curly is horrified to find that Rackle is applying for a job massaging some Manchester football team - he supports the other one apparently. However, Rackle lets him know how silly he is being so he gives in with some speech about having babies, causing Rackle to look as if she is going to throw up.
Later, Fred (who pronounces several words with lovely long rolled "r"s in them during this episode) has arranged for Curly to carry out one of his 49 tasks, so Curly ends up being late for Alf's party. Rackle is furious and refuses Fred's offer to buy her a drink because she "might spill it on him." She stomps out in a huff. Suddenly Rackle is the most down-to-earth character in the Street. How? Didn't this happen to Mary-Ann Singleton in "Tales of the City?" And look how that turned out.
Fiona/Big Red/Alec
Alec has arranged for Fiona to have more recording time so that she can expand her reportoire, but instead of being grateful Miss Diffident says that she needs time to think about it and will get back to him. She'll never win Stars in Their Eyes with that attitude.
This all prompts yet another chat with Rita who reminds us for the millionth time that she didn't have what it takes to be a singer, and Fiona probably does, and Alec only wants the best for her.
Ken/Jameh/Trash/Mrs Head
Ken and Mrs Head are having an innocent conversation about their soon-to-be multimedia retreat style love-nest holiday when a nervous child extra bounces forward and shrieks that Jameh has run away during PE and the caretaker is after him.
This prompts Ken to offer to have a word with Jameh (why bother, I did this twice a week for 5 years and look at me now!) Ken wants to get to the "root" of the problem, which is obviously Trash and Trash-husband. Ken gets Jameh's promise to remain in school for the rest of the day and in return he will spend 15 minutes patronising Trash in the evening.
Trash does not take kindly to Ken's words of advise "Go and talk to him for half an hour at bed-time" and "You need to have your hair checked every month for nits", and when she is gone, Jameh and Trash have a little row which results in Trash giving in and saying that she will "arrange" a visit with Trash-husband.
Alfeh/Audreh
Alfeh is seventeh and to prove that his faculties are going he goes gaga over a musical birthday card and then reveals that he can't hear the music. Audreh fusses around and exclaims and holds up her long fingers as she always does, until a mysterious package arrives. Alfeh thinks it is tickets to a "show" but Audreh refuses to tell him.
Anyway, Audreh's idea of a 70 th birthday present is a party in the Rovers with 20 or 30 of their very best friends and some old sandwiches made by Betty Turpin. Once the regulars (and some assorted extras) have been gathered, Alfeh walks in and then everyone says "surprise" (aren't you supposed to have the lights turned out for this sort of thing?) and Betty waddles forward with a birthday cake. Unfortunately Alfeh really did think Audreh had booked tickets - to see Grease, and he's dragged himself up as a Teddy Boy. Oh the humiliation. But worse is to come because Audreh's booked them into a little hotel in the Lake District. Alfeh is pleased at first, but horrified to discover that (a) it costs £800 and (b) it's a health farm.
Credits.
Awards:
Best scene: Mike vs Ken (again). Ken's about to make a speech to congratulate Alf at being 70, so Mike starts bitching about needing a drink. Ken retaliates by saying that he has been in the Street forever and that he has known Alf since he was "that high" - he gestures at Mike's head - thus winning the round and getting the biggest laugh.
Glamour: Poor old Big Red seems short on ideas at the moment. I daresay she's exhausted after wearing that huge novelty fork on her lapel and needs time to get her strength back. Fortunately, it was "Men's Night" in the Rovers with Alf and Mike battling it out for the sought-after Tiara. At first we thought that Mike was wearing a wig, but Mr Plowman points out that it was probably hair-weaving. And a very good job too - it makes him look all shiny and young again. And who's guessing he won't be summoned to the Granada Head Office and given the sack on the spot like Pope Ivy. However, there was fierce competition from Alf who was dressed in Teddy Boy mode - with hair piled up (just like Maureen), fake side-burns and a gorgeous 50s outfit that he must have been hoping would come back into fashion one day. "I've never worn a pair of jeans in my life," Alf admits. So at least that's something to be thankful for. As he's 70 - he gets to wear the Tiara (as long as he promises not to douse it in Daddy's sauce and eat it.)
Alfeh/Audreh/Roy/Gail
Audreh and Alfeh are having breakfast and Alf's still moaning on about her birthday gift to an expensive health club. Alf tells Audreh to cancel, so she says she will but once he is out of the room she says to herself "But that line's very buseh. I may not be able to get through at all. Tee Hee Hee!"
Later Gail correctly guesses that Audreh planned the holiday as being a trip for herself so that she could spend a weekend in a Scandanavian sauna (I don't want to ever think about Alf or Audreh in a sauna). Roy Cropper, who is helping out in the cafe agrees with Audreh that there is no price on health, and then tells Gail that he likes Audreh. Gail says something bitter about her mother having no grasp on reality.
When Alf comes into the cafe later that evening, Audreh still hasn't cancelled so he makes her phone up right then. However, the office is closed, so it looks as if we may still get to see Alf clad in a just a towel after all (I hope the announcers warn us in advance.)
Maureen/Maud/Bill/Joyce
Maureen is still moping about Bill's lack of discretion, and she tells Maud why she is not planning to see him again. Maud encourages her to apologise for being so sensitive.
Meanwhile, Joyce asks Bill to give her an estimate on her wall heater or something. A prize to whoever guesses what happens next...
Yes - everyone gets a prize - Maureen turns up at the Rovers to apologise only to find Bill and Joyce giggling over their drinks and she is humiliated and runs outside without saying anything.
Andy/Anne/Jim
Anne is washing up before work ("I don't like to leave the sink full of dishes Andy") but she's in a good mood and decides to invite both sets of parents round that evening. Andy has a little strop because he's so ashamed of his parents that he'd rather not bother, but then he remembers that he must NEVER EVER argue or disagree with Anne so he apologises and invites Jim to visit.
That evening, Mr and Mrs Malone are making chitchat with Andy and Anne. Jim arrives, and it's obvious that the Malones are a bit uneasy around him. Maybe they expect him to thrust a broken whiskey bottle in their face when they say "hello" to him. However, Jim's wearing his best clothes and asks for fruit juice. Mrs Malone seems taken with him - so as it doesn't look as if the police are about to be called out, this scene is allowed to end.
Ken/Drear/Mrs Head
It's Ken's birthday (no special celebrations in the Rovers for him though) and some children have written abuse about him on the blackboard. Mrs Head appears with some pretext about Jameh, but it's really so she can fawn over him. That evening she presents him with a bottle of wine. Ken starts to realise that Mrs Head is only interested in his body, and he relates the whole story to the Drear who is fascinated and wants to know more about their coming trip away together (which is getting so much build up that I will have bitten my nails down to the quick by the time they actually go on the bloody thing). "Maybe you should keep your hotel door unlocked at night" suggests the Drear, remembering her own trip to Morocco and how her own relationship with Samir started.
Curly/Rackle/Alec/Des/Claire
Rackle has "had it" with Curly and the Square Dealers so she visits Jack to find out who it really was who blabbed the Sacred Oath. Jack admits that it was Alec, so Rackle spends the rest of the episode looking for him.
Later in the cafe she is forced by Roy to share a table with Des (he is probably carrying out an experiment on them both). Des comments that Rackle has changed and that she's now ambitious. Rackle says that she had it in her all along. Des goes on to tell Rackle that Curly is not right for her, fluffing her feathers slightly.
Carol, aka Mrs In-Law calls round to see Claire (twice) and when she has her alone she says onimously "Have you mentioned the money to him yet?" Claire says that she hasn't. Mrs In-Law looks put-upon and nasty. So it looks as if another plot-development is in the offing.
Rackle finds Alec and he tells her that he did spill the sacred oath beans, and that he'll enjoy putting Norris and Fred straight. When Curly gets home, Rackle urges him to resign "if you love me". Credits.
Awards:
Best interchange - Maud's been reading Cosmopolitan again:
Maud: "Pride won't keep you warm at night."
Maureen: "It's not that sort of relationship."
Maud: "And it'll never get to be either if you don't do something
about it."
Best scene: Doorstep kissing - Rackle is saying goodbye to Curly on the doorstep when she spies Des and Claire doing the same thing (and kissing) from across the road. She quickly starts playing with Curly's tie and makes a huge fuss of him - just so we know that she still has a few chinks left in her amour (that's amour with a French accent).
Maureen/Alec/Bill
Maureen has now become obsessed with Joyce after seeing her sharing a barcardi breezer in the Rovers with Bill. When Alec comes into the corner shop she starts asking questions...a few too many questions because Maud and Alec start to look suspicious. And wouldn't you if Maureen wanted to know if Joyce had been divorced or widowed and how long this had been going on for, and whether she lived alone. But, no, Maureen isn't the First Street Lesbian, she's just weighing up the competition for Bill.
Later in the Rovers she "casually" mentions to Bill that she saw him with Joyce and he tells her he was mending her boiler. Perhaps this was a north-west dialect term for "having sex" but Maureen seems happy with it and trots off merrily.
Rackle/Fred/Norris/Curly/Alec
Curly has decided to resign from the Square Dealers, to Rackle's delight so he goes to see Alf and tells him of his decision, and to pass it on to Norris and Fred (meanwhile Alfeh has his own story-line to worry about as Audreh's refused to cancel his birthday healthfarm visit and is going to take Alma instead of him.)
In the Rovers, Alf tells N + F of Curly's decision, and they bluster so much that the swing doors blow open and closed several times by themselves. Alec overhears the conversation and decides that it is time to "put matters right" by forcing Jack to admit that it was Alec who blabbed the Sacred Oath, and not Curly. Norris and Fred realise that they have made a huge mistake and are downcast, but the viewers are not because this means NO MORE 49 TASKS.
And so Norris and Fred go to see Curly and apologise and offer him his old position back - with the added bonus of being on the fast-track to the inner rectum or whatever they call it. Rackle looks expectant...will Curly throw it all in their faces? But he doesn't, and Rackle realise that he "cares" more for geometric shapes than their marriage!
Mrs Head/Ken/Ashley/Kelly
Finally - my Lovers have returned and are squatting in the cafe. It seems that nothing has changed, although Ashely is complaining about his mother's new boyfriend and how he feels uncomfortable in his own home. Kelly suggests that he move in with Don, which will mean that both lovers will be living in the same street and that they will be able to have rumpeh pumeh (whatever that is) as much as they like.
Back at Ken's home, Ken tells the Lovers that Mrs Head will be coming round, causing the former pupils to look both terrified and outraged. They decide to make a quick exit. Mrs Head arrives and announces that it's a month since her husband left her and that she has to "let her hair down" and talk to someone about it all. This means that Ken has to look comforting, although he's starting to dread the moment when Mrs Head decides to take their relationship one stage further.
Jameh/Trash/Drear/Jack
Trash gets another letter from Carl - this one telling her, in abusive terms that he doesn't even think that Jameh is his child. Jameh is not allowed to see the letter, but Trash puts it in a drawer where the child can see.
At lunchtime, Drear thinks that she has disturbed a burglar in Trash's flat (what would there be to steal except a few Athena posters?) But it's only Jameh who is reading the forbidden letter. Afterwards, Jameh flees to get pigeon-therapy in Jack's backyard. Jack is sent by Betty to talk to him, and Jameh asks questions like "How can you tell if someone is your real father or not?"
Jack relates the story to Trash, who decides that she had better have another conversation with Jameh about Carl. "He's not your father anymore," she says. "He was once, but now he's finished." And to prove the point, they turn all the lights off in their flat and set fire to the letter. Then they both sit still very quietly and watch it burn like apprentice pyromaniacs. Credits.
Awards:
Glamour Queen: Kelly hadn't been idle during her 10 week stint off the show. She's had her hair cut, and while it doesn't actually look any more glamorous than it used to, she gets extra points for at least trying.
Best scene: the letter burning. Trash and Jameh are rapidly taking over the show with their "powerful" scenes and strong "mother-son" bond.
Kelly/Ashley/Don/Ken/Drear
The Lovers are talking about Ken's "romance" with Mrs Head and are suitably disgusted. "I noticed two bottles of vino bellino in the hall" brays Kelly, outraged. But Ashley wants to go and look at Don's house, so the pair arrange an appointment. "We'll be able to get up to whatever we like," Kelly grins, anticipating post-watershed evenings of adult content ahead for her (although it probably just involves swapping pizza).
Unfortunately Kelly is not impressed with Don or his house. "He smells," she hisses at Ashley, thus confirming something that I have suspected for years. Ashley doesn't seem to mind (let's face it - he has regular intercourse with Kelly so he can't be that fussy) and arranges to move in right away.
Surprisingly Kelly gives in but says that it will only be a temporary arrangement. "Now then Ashleh, where did I put my rumpeh pumpeh?"
Meanwhile Drear and Ken have another dull little conversation about Mrs Head wanting to get into Ken's Calvin Klein underwear. Maybe she's been watching the old Granada Plus episode when he looked younger and more virile?
Rackle/Curly
Rackle has done herself up for a chat with a possible employer (who just turned her down) about an aromotherapy job. Curly is impressed, and offers to take her to the interview.
Afterwards Rackle is optimistic. "Fingers crossed!" but Curly just wants to talk about babies (he should go and see Sally Webster - Baby-Queen of the Street). It's obvious to us that Rackle is now Mrs Career and couldn't care less about starting a family. There is a mini-row and Curly gives in and then Rackle gets another phone call about a job or something, but I think I drifted off at that point.
Maureen/Bill
Bill decides to have a word with Maureen in the shop about the state of their relationship, but Maud and Don have a conversation over the top of their heads about dish clothes (he is getting his house spick and span for Ashley) so Bill arranges to meet Maureen later that evening in the Rovers.
That evening, Maureen tells Bill that she is still not yet "over Reg" and that she would like a relationship but oh dear she isn't sure, and her mother is such a control freak, and she's so dizzy herself that sometimes she goes to work in her nightie. To cut a long story short they end up snogging in her car (well, he's standing outside, but she's in it) while Lauren gapes in horror.
Jameh/Lauren/Duckys/Becky/Trash
Jameh meets Pink Lauren and Becky in the Street and they are rude to him as usual. Lauren says "Yer father's not in Saudi, he's in prison," causing Jameh to run away and Becky to say "You cow. That weren't very nice were it!" They "break friends" (I love that childish expression).
Becky seeks out Jameh in the cafe and they have a conversation about their respective fathers. Becky shows (!) kindness and (!) warmth towards Jameh. Then Roy makes him a free cup of tea so it looks as if things are looking up for him as he gets to have scenes with all the good actors.
Meanwhile, Trash has been to a solicitor and finds it will be difficult to divorce Carl unless he agrees to it as well. Vera agrees to pay for the consultation, to Jack's obvious chagrin.
Billy/Des/Claire
Des is having a pint and talking about Claire. Billy mentions that Claire probably has an army pension of £5,000 (I'm not sure if this is £5,000 a year or a month.) Des learns that Claire would have to give it up if she married/cohabited with him.
At home, Des confronts Claire about this - and she becomes slightly hysterical, thinking that EVIL grandmother Carol has been causing trouble, but Des puts her straight. Claire says that she loves Des more than the pension (that ladeh needs to get her priorities right, as Audreh would say) and that she will give it up. She then tells him that she doesn't get £5,000, but £12,000 [In fact it was £16,000 with State benefits - Graham]. Des is stunned. Credits.
Awards
Glamour: Vera - the purple haemmoroid ear-rings seem to be getting bigger and bigger - or is it just me? But Vera wins the Tiara because she's either washed her wig or got a new one or something because it looked more like a fluffy golf-ball than ever.
Teeth: something is wrong with Lauren's teeth. I wonder if she has been fighting? She looks the type.
Kelly/"Sue"/Ken/Ashley/Dreary
Kelly is interrogating Ken about Mrs Head (now known as Sue) and is starting to make little comments. I remember when she first became Ken's babysitter she was so quiet and docile - now she's realised that she can get away with murder with Ken so she does (and says, and wears*) what she likes.
Later, Ashley (replete in stripey butcher-boy apron) tells Kelly that he's told his mother that he's moving out - but in fact what happened was that mother asked if he wanted his room decorating and Ashley said no. Even Kelly is perturbed by the logic of this, and she has a bit of a grump.
Kelly complains to Ken about Ashely moving in with "smelly" Don, but Ken goes to the root of the problem and makes Kelly realise that she is the only one with the "issues to resolve". I hope future scenes have a "Carry-on film" flavour to them by showing Don (nude), reaching for the "on" switch in the shower, only to accidentally grope Kelly (also nude) who is having post-coital ablutions in his shower.
In another part of the storyline, Ken announces to Sue that he can't go to the multimedia conference with her because baby Daniel is "fractious" (Kelly:What does that mean Mr Barlow? Can 'e not do 'is fractions yet?) Ken then follows with a dignified speech about the "beauty" of lonliness and how some people are better suited to being single parents. Sue realises that he is trying to let her down gently and then admits that at the back of her mind, she was visualising Ken sans underwear, but that now he has made his position clear, she will leave him alone. Ken recants and says he probably will go on the course after all.
While relating this to the Drear (terrifying "Ewok" style haircut), over a pint in the Rovers, the old Drear reveals herself to be a woman of the world and tells Ken that Sue is weaving a delicate web of seduction around him, while ensuring that she doesn't lose face. Meanwhile Mike Baldwin snarls at the bar, wondering why Drear and Ken still bother talking to each other.
Rackle/Curly
Rackle has an interview for a job and is doing herself up again. Curly is worried about her getting it, and starts harping on about wanting a family again. To deflect her own misgivings, Rackle tells Curly that she thinks he is not committed enough, causing a detailed dissection of their sex life (see Awards).
Claire/Des/Sean/Becky
Des is still feeling guilty about Claire having to give up £16,000 a year because of him, and he seeks out the relationship advice of Sean Skinner (which is the equivalent of asking Mavis for assertiveness training, or Ashley to help you with your quadratic equations). Sean doesn't have much to say - he never does - he just stands around looking sleazy in a suit most of the time.
Back at Des Mansions, Becky is trying to explain the plot of A Midsummer Night's Dream to Des, and Des suddenly realises that his own love-life is slightly more complicated than that (bar the donkey-head). He senses a row brewing with Claire so Becky is sent upstairs and Des tells Claire that he only fancies unavailable women and now that Claire has made herself available the best thing to do with his track record would be for her to pack her bags. "Are you asking me to leave?" asks Claire. "Yes," says Des (!) Credits.
Awards:
More Information Than We Needed To Know Award: Curly (protesting to Rackle that he is very committed towards having children): "I've been committing every night, even twice the other night."
More Logic from the Street "Brainbox" Ashley:"Me mum's dead clever, she knew that I'd fail me GSCE Maths just because I ate chips with curry."
*Kelly - your blouse/shirt/whatever it was, was the most creased item of clothing I have ever seen on Coronation Street. Why not learn to iron as you'll soon be looking for other work when Denise steals baby Daniel from Ken.
Maud/Maureen/Bill/Martin
She's let down her hair again and put a bottle of wine in the fridge so, to not put too fine a point on it, Maureen has decided to cosumnate her realationship with Bill.
First though, she checks that Maud is going to be at Bingo tonight: when the coast is clear she invites Bill round - I felt nauseated watching the cogs whirr in his brain as he realised what was in store for him. I swear I saw him run his dry little tongue over the ends of his moustache in anticipation.
That evening, Maureen and Bill are barely able to contain their animal desires and are practically jumping on top of one another before they manage to get through the front door. But as there's no waterbed in this storyline to spoil Maureen's fun, the writers go for the next best thing and conspire together to make Maud miss her Bingo. Gail makes Martin give her a lift home...early.
As Maud arrives, she sees a)Bill's scruffy van and b) the bedroom light go on. She realises exactly what is happening and makes Martin take her back to the Rovers. However, Maureen has heard the van - just at the point where they were about to disrobe. So the couple are thwarted and spend the evening fidgeting and eating cabbage instead.
Ashley/Kelly/Don
Ashley moves into Don's house - and immediately gets a taste of Don's temper when Don sees Ashley's ghetto blaster. "Ere you're not going to 'ave that playing all night," Don slurs. "No Mr Brennan," Ashely says (for some reason he appears terrified of all adults).
Kelly decides that it would be nice to have a night in, and "christen" Ashley's new eiderdown, (this episode is all about sex) so they plan to get up to trouble when Don goes out.
However, that evening, the three of them are squashed on a sofa watching some boring tv programme while Don drinks himself into oblivion. Kelly wants to know when Don is going to work, and Don says he doesn't do as much work anymore since he lost everything thankyou Mike Baldwin. "Come on Ashley," huffs Kelly. "Wor?" asks Ashely. "We're going out!" Kelly says. "I thought we wor stayin' in like," says Ashley, confused. "We're going out NOW!" warns Kelly, while working out in her mind which is the nearest empty bus-shelter.
Claire/Des/Becky
Claire has a heart-to-heart with Becky and asks her what she really thinks about Des and living in Chez Des. Becky astounds us by saying that it is OK because it is near Pink Lauren's house, and that she quite likes Des really.
Later, Claire and Des have a conversation about Claire's pension money (which is £16,000 a year, not £12,000 as I intimated in the last update I think). Claire is still prepared to give it all up, but Des thinks that it will be too much of a risk. He still thinks that it would be a good idea if Claire and Becky moved out, although they could go on seeing each other, just live in different houses.
Claire is having none of that and makes some vague threat like "If I move out of your house I move out of your life Des!" Credits.
Awards:
Poisonous Hair: You learn all sorts of things while watching Coronation Street; the latest "fact" being that in order to work in a betting shop you must stick firmly to the dress code: shirt, tie, and a bottle of hair gel a day. No wonder that Des is only allowed to interact with Sean and Claire - they are the only other two characters with similar hair control problems. Other characters would die of hair-product posioning if they had any major scenes with any of these three Hairstyle Abusers.
Tonight's episode was like a 30 minute version of a Robert Altman film - far too many characters by half.
Kelly/Don/Ashley
Madam still hasn't learnt how to use an iron yet so we all had to put up with seeing the back of her blouse all creased and crumpled. Ashley offers to visit later in the evening (when Kelly has got baby Daniel to sleep) as Ken will be on the multimedia course and they can have the house to themselves. However, Rule 563 of Coronation Street states that the more someone wants sex, the less chance they have of getting it (Note: that rule applies to real life too) so it looks like Kelly is going to have another night of frustration ahead.
Sure enough, Ashley is waiting for the "come round Ashley" phone call when one of Don's scummy friends appears for their "poker class". Apparently all of their other friends hate Don so much that nobody else bothered to show up, so Don ropes in Ashely to playing poker.
Several cans of cheap lager later, Ashley seems to have grasped the basics and is winning every game. "Snap!" he calls out. Then the phone rings and it's Kelly. Don answers. "CAN I SPEAK TO ASH-LEY!" shouts Kelly down the phone. "Tell 'er I'll be round in a bit," says Ashley. "NOW!" shrieks Kelly, deafening Don. Ashley reluctantly drags himself away from the game to tell Kelly that he'll probably be very late. Cut to Kelly, looking utterly furious. I hope she's not a comfort eater.
Sue/Ken/Dreary/Liz/Jim
"Lith! Lith!" calls a husky voice - it's Dreary trying to attract the attention of "best friend" Liz who's just had her perm tightened at the salon. Liz has a little moan about the situation re Jim, so Drear tells her to get some "mediation". Liz takes the advice, and surprisingly Jim agrees to it. However, it's only because both parties think the other is being utterly unreasonable and it will all be to their advantage come Wednesday's episode...
Meanwhile, Ken's having a quick drink with the Drear before going on his course with Sue. "Lock your door!" warns Dreary, enjoying it all immensely. But at the conference, Sue is behaving herself and offers to buy Ken one last drink before they both have an early night (not together).
Mavis/Derek/Norris
Derek has decided to take a few days off, and tells Mavis, who is excited, seeing visions of a few days touring Cheadle or Southport. But Derek just wants to decorate the spare room, and makes the Mave get the wallpaper samples. Mave is furious, but eventually comes round to the idea. However, then Norris tells Derek that he will have to go to a conference instead, as Angela will be playing golf, so Derek has to let the Mave down. She retorts by refusing to make him dinner.
Curly/Rackle/Gary/Judy
Curly and Rackle are having a conversation about Rackle's swish new job and the fact that she's spending evenings out with "the girls from work" - a group of blonde Rackle-lookalikes who have probably all appeared on "Blind Date" at one time or another. Rackle says that he will have to put up with it, now that they are both trying to "better themselves."
Their new "status" has not gone unnoticed, and Judy gets it into her head that she might be able to learn a few things from Mr and Mrs Upwardly Mobile, so she invites them round for dinner. Neither Curly nor Gary are very interested, but Rackle thinks it will be a nice idea, so a date is set.
Alf/Audreh/Rita
Alf and Audreh are about to go shopping, but Alf decides to let Audreh have the car instead, and he will WALK to the Street, as he needs the EXERCISE. Audreh is shocked, but jumps at the opportunity. Later, Alf tells Rita that his driving licence expired on his 70th birthday and he is afraid to renew it because of his ailing health. Rita warns him that Audreh will find out sooner or later. Alf hopes it will be later and makes her promise not to say anything.
Becky/Des/Claire
Claire announces to Becky that they are leaving Des's house because things aren't working out. Becky is very upset and confides to Lauren that she thinks that she is to blame for coming between them both. Seeing Des in the street, Becky cries "Des Des, what's going on! Don't patronise me. I'm not a child!" (Has she seized upon one of Jameh's old scripts by mistake?) Unfortunately, she is a child and Des refuses to tell her the truth.
That night, Claire and Des start to fight and Becky comes down in the middle of it and asks again for a straight answer. When she doesn't get on, she tells Des that she hates him and that she was a fool to ever think that they could be friends. Credits.
Awards
Best line: Becky echoes the sentiments of many CS women, both past and present: "I'll never trust another man again!"
Sue/Ken/Norris/Derek
Sue and Ken are having a "quiet drink" in the lobby of their plush supposedly 4 star hotel, when Norris and Derek arrive for their sales conference. Viewers may remember that Sue sacked Derek when he was the caretaker of the school a couple of years ago.
Being social snobs, Sue and Ken try to avoid Norris and Derek but they are spotted and forced to have a conversation, with Derek trying to smarm his way into their good books by thanking her for sacking him. Meanwhile Norris is encountering Soap Cliche number 4322 when he discovers that all the rooms have been booked and he will have to share a bedroom with Derek.
Luckily there are two beds - but it isn't long before the two nellies are having a little power struggle, with Norris coming out on top. That evening, poor Sue and Ken are joined again by Laurel and Hardy - and Sue decides that the best option is to get drunk as quickly as possible.
Back in the bedrooms and Norris is having a tizzy because his bed has to point north-south and Derek's sure that his compass has been tampered with. The scene deterioates into Derek bitching about Angela and with the pair turning their backs on each other like two very jaded old gay lovers in a not very funny BBC2 play.
Meanwhile Sue's using the "I can't sleep" excuse and has nipped into Ken's room for a moan. Ken bites his fingernails until Sue drinks herself into oblivion and falls back on his bed. Ken does the decent thing by taking her key and going to sleep in her room instead.
Rackle/Curly/Judy/Gary
I don't know what to make of this story-line - maybe I heard wrong...A seemingly normal dinner-party at the Mallets appears to be going as well as can be expected with both couples talking about wanting to have babies, Judy and Gary being just a little bit common, Curly being sullen and Rackle putting on a brave face. Suddenly Judy's (catalogue bought) digital watch alarm goes off. And apparently that means that she's at her most fertile so Gary and Judy immediately go upstairs to HAVE SEX WHILE THEIR GUESTS ARE LEFT DOWN BELOW!!! At least Curly and Rackle appear shocked by it all. "I suppose we can make a start on the dishes," says Rackle, while Curly dubs the rude pair a couple of "nutters".
Jim/Liz
As we suspected the arbitration does not go very well, with both sides using it as an excuse to trade insults, and ending with Liz getting up and walking out. After hearing both sides of the story, I'm inclined to fall on Jim's side. It seems a lot of fuss to make about £2000. I'm sure if Liz had a jumble sale and sold some of those awful clothes she wears she might be able to make some money. Well perhaps not, but it would make me very happy.
Becky/Claire/Des
Becky finally gets the truth out of Claire and Des, and it seems to appease her slightly, although it is not the end of the storyline. Claire goes into the Kabin to buy a newspaper to look at flats to rent and Rackle overhears. Later, Rackle tries to be friendly to Claire (wanting to know the gossip) so they have a little heart-to-heart about Des.
Des and Claire continue their rowing, and Des lets slip that he once lived with Rackle. Claire is shocked, not realising how close they were, and she begins to wonder if maybe Des is the rat he claims to be. She tells him that she will move out after all. Credits.
Awards
Best lines:
Mavis: "I love Southport. When I was a little girl there
used to be a clock made of flowers on a lawn and I used to stand
there for ages waiting for the hands to change. Eventually I had
to be dragged away."
Rita:"Always the sensation-seeker eh Mavis?"
Mavis:"I wonder if Derek is looking at that clock now in
Southport waiting for the hands to change?" etc etc.
Des/Claire
Des arranges for Claire to live above the bookies - and they have a look round the untidy flat. Claire is intially disapproving, but I guess that they've gone to all the trouble of building a new set and buying a double bed so she'll have to move in now.
Ken/Sue/Norris/Mave/Derek/Becky/Drear/Emily
It's the morning after the night when Ken and Sue didn't have sex and Ken is about to let himself back into his room when Norris appears in a horrible grey jogging suit looking like he's about to audition for Sunderland Empire's production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. After Norris has slimed around Ken a bit, he leaves and Ken goes back into his room. But *horror* Sue is nowhere to be seen and so Ken has a look in the shower and the camera pans down slowly until we see some blood and Sue lying on the tile floor. Only then does Ken say "Oh my God" and phones for an ambulance. As Sue is being carried out on a stretcher, Norris makes use of his small stature to hide behind a trolley in order to spy on the unfolding scandal.
And then the CS gossip chain gets well under way with Norris telling Derek who tells Mavis who tells Rita, who is overheard by Becky who tells Lauren who tells the rest of the world. When Ken arrives back he "just has to talk to Deirdre" about it, who assures him that nobody knows anything about it. But thanks to Mave the Mouth, old Drear is wrong. Meanwhile, Mave tells Emily who is very disapproving and disbelieving. "If I had known this was a Norris story I would have brought my toadstool" she says sternly. Then she accuses Mavis of spreading "Bull-sh*t" - although this is diguised in a Jane Austen style quip which causes Mave to go red. If this feud continues, before long Emily will be chaining Mavis up in her cellar and making her eat mice.
Jim/Bill/Liz
Jim is still twittering on about the divorce and Liz - and Bill decides that he's had more than he can take - leading to an embarrassing outpouring of emotions in the cafe - "I've had enough" Bill rasps. "I've had enough eh!" "Less it!" and other comments. He manages to out-Jim Jim who wouldn't have had the sense to use a broken beer bottle on Bill even if one had been present. Later, Jim has a "think" about it and decides to give in - he presents Liz (horrible gypsy-style red top) with a cheque for £500. Liz is pleased at first thinking that she has won, but when she realises that it's not for £1000 she shrieks "that won't pay me solicitors bills", and then gives the loudest and longest "Nurrrrrrr!" in her sorry little career, causing everyone in our house to squeak in disgust. But her dramatics are not over yet as she rips up the cheque into a million pieces and then throws it in Jim's face. Thankfully she then leaves. Credits.
Awards:
Oh Ashley: Have you never heard the song "Sisters are Doing it for themselves?" It's no use trying to argue with Kelly, she's a lot bigger and stronger than you (and everyone else) so you'd better learn to like being hen-pecked.
Claire/Des/Becky
Claire has reluctantly agreed that it would be good for her and Becky to live above the Bookies, although Becky wants to stay with Des (alone), playfully calling him a "tub of lard" - no dear, that's what he puts on his hair every morning. So this seems to be the swiftest move in soap history as by the end of the episode B + C are instated in their new flat and Des is coming round with pizza and trying to get them to visit him for "tea". I suppose it didn't take them long to move out because the only things they own are an "Alien" poster (who can forget that scintillating little story-line?) and a few framed photos of Mr Dead Husband.
Curly/Rackle
Curly and Rackle are discussing the Mallet's sex-life and are both shocked at how "public" they are about it (and to be honest, after last week's episode I'm surprised Ena Sharples didn't come back from the dead just to haunt them out of the Street for good). Curly however wishes that Rackle would be more affectionate towards him. "I do love you," he says. "I know you do," twitters Rackle - while looking in a mirror. But we all can see that she is having second thoughts about whether or not she really loves him.
That evening, Rackle must be feeling guilty because she's cooked a nice meal and there are candles on the table (to "mark" it as special). Curly is pleased, but then tells Rackle that the Firmans have invited them to dinner again (how likely does this seem to you after their last invite when Rackle spilt wine everywhere?) However, New Rackle is looking forward to a chance to show off her social graces. "I was gauche then," she says effortlessly (was there an advanced vocabulary section to this Aromatherapy Course she took?) "When I think about the shoes I used to wear!" And suddenly I get it - the writers are trying to make her as irritating and unlikeable as possible so that when she does leave we'll all put down our bars of Cadbury's chocolate, clap our hands and think "She never fit in anyway".
Alfeh/Audreh/Fred/Kelly/Ashely/Don
Alfeh is getting involved in a sponsored walk as part of his new "health-drive" (yes, I know it's like trying to believe 3 impossible things before breakfast). Meanwhile, Audreh is still excited over the prospect of going to a Health Farm with Alma. Fred Eliot is interested and wants to know if Health Farms are steeped in sin with "orgies going on in the steam-room" as he has imagined. Alf isn't pleased at this vague attempt at flirting with his wife.
The Lovers are still not speaking, so Fred calls to see Kelly and blusters his way into asking what the problem is. Kelly says that she's not pleased about Ashley's attitude or his gambling problem. "It's that Don Brennan," she complains. "He's giving Ashley funny ideas." So Fred pays a visit to Don to put things right. For some reason Don appears to be trapped in his chair, unable to get up - with a reddened face as if he is being possessed by the spirit of GHOST IVY.
Cowardly Don is obviously scared of Fred, and he tells Ashley to buy Kelly some toffees and apologise. But I think it'll take more than toffees to appease Kelly (a toffee factory maybe). The older men advise Ashley to "plant her one" on the lips as feminists really wanted to be "taken" (ahem!)
This plan seems to be working well - Ashely gives Kelly flowers (how did he know that they are her favourite lunch-time snack?) and apologises. But somehow it all goes wrong. "I'm an action man" he states, causing Kelly to push him off the doorstep and slam the door in his face.
Jim/Liz/Andy
The boring saga of the Charles and Di of Coronation Street continues, with the pair still squabbling about money. Jim has another talk with Bill, while Liz asks her Ewok son if he will be present at another session where they both try to work things out again.
Andy says no, but then, because Anne has broken his spine for good, he agrees. The resulting finale is one of the most cringe-making in CS history. Jim hands over another cheque - this time for £1000, and Liz seems to accept this. We are then treated to a series of literally terrifying close-ups of J + L's faces. These are images that you could use to scare dogs with. Credits.
Awards
Glamour Tiara
Alma proves that you don't have to wear silly ear-rings and tease your hair an extra eight inches higher in order to win in the style stakes here. Kitted out in an extravagant polo neck sweater, and a CHOCOLATE brown jacket (that she probably only ever wears for "best") she was like a breath of fresh air amid the plastic bangles of Vera and the baroque lapel fixtures of Big Red Wig
A THOUSAND GREETINGS to everyone who will be reading my humble updates in the coming weeks and months. I will be taking over the Wednesday episodes from the acknowledged Master Dealer (where updates are concerned,) our very own Paul Baker. I will continue for as long as I can, or at least until the bailiffs call to repossess the computer!
Somehow I got the wrong end of the stick and thought he was quitting at the end of the year, but not so! It was with about 24 hours notice that I learned I was to lose my update-writing virginity for the UK episode dated 30 October 1996. This was probably no bad thing, as it didn't allow me time to change my mind. Shortly, dear readers, you will be wishing I had!
I very nearly got off to a false start tonight because I got home far later than usual, and had the video set ready to record at 7.30, only to find The Street was shoved back a couple of hours by the football coverage. This delay afforded me the opportunity to pace the floor for another couple of anxious hours, and eat a Marks and Spencer Extra Strong Chicken Curry to calm my nerves.
But at last the hour has come.....pulsing with pent-up anticipation....like Linford Christie on the starting blocks...(unfortunately NOTHING like Linford!)......and with a final nod of admiration to PB......here goes!
Its not very often that a single edition of a soap opera can combine clairvoyance, false Cassandras and colonic irrigation, but tonight we had it all!
The show starts with a load of rubbish, or 'garbage' if you live a very long way from Weatherfield. Raquel and Curly gaze disapprovingly down from their window at the mess in Dons back yard, and Curly has a word with Ashley about it. Ashley has a word with Don, whom he can glimpse with some difficulty across the breakfast table, through a veritable curtain of empty beer cans. These two dont seem to do a great deal of the old domestic stuff, so Don delegates the nipper to tend to said outdoor eyesore.
Later Don gives Ashley the benefit of his wisdom. Its a bit like the old song, How To Handle a Woman; you know the one. He tells him that he needs an 'ology' in his arsenal, in the form of psychology. He explains that the womenfolk have different needs, and that the trick is to make their need coincide with ones own. Damn me, it sounded an intriguing thought, and a tactic which I fully intend to deploy chez nous at the earliest opportunity, you can bet! After all, Don knows what hes talking about when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.
Then there was a bit of television wonder: When Don lifted his beer can to drink, it was quite ordinary. When it reached his lips, the boffins at Granada, worried about lawsuits regarding product placement/blatant advertising, had blobbed a trembling black digital sticker over the label. It could indeed have been a reference to Carling Black Label! That would have been a brilliant double bluff. I bet it took some kid on a work-experience racket at least half a day to get the black strip to follow the movement of the can! That lad has a great future in post production.
Maud tells Maureen that she saw her and Bill in the bedroom the other night, and that she had made a tactical withdrawal. (A lesson which may apply to our Bill before too long!) Maureen tells her mum that nothing happened on that night. Maud is bitterly disappointed with her daughter on hearing this.
Maud reads Raquels palm in the back room of the shop. Its a good little scene, and she tells her she sees travel over water, a new career, a parting and the letters C and Y. Raquel hazards a guess that the parting might be the imminent demise of an aged grandparent, but WE KNOW BETTER, dont we? The parting will have nothing to do with a new hairstyle, will it?
Nervous as a kitten, Alf (the recent septuagenarian) goes to the doctors. Theres a joke about an ostrich which I wont spoil for those who havent seen it yet, then Alf goes outside and promptly reverses into the doctors car. Not out of spite, you understand, more as a direct result of being 70, and agreeing to give Emily a lift in the rain.
In the pub, we find Percy having one last look at his lines, hidden inside a newspaper, before he has to open his mouth to speak to Audrey and Alma. They are discussing the various treatments/tortures available at this damned health farm. I am beginning to wonder if they're ever going to get there. They may choose to have unmentionable things perpetrated on their bodies with seaweed, but end up laughing like drains about what they first read as 'chronic irritation' but eventually decide must be colonic irrigation. Quite put me off my curry..almost.
Much of the latter part of the episode takes place chez Firman. Yes, Eric and Edith are entertaining Anne and Andy together with Curly and Raquel. The evening starts very frostily, with Edith remembering what happened last time Curly and Raquel visited, but it ends up with Edith being drunk as a skunk. It turns out she is really keen on the old clairvoyant malarkey, and tells Raquel she should beware 'false Cassandras' (??) and suggests that she should obtain a 'long range augury'. I fell into the trap of thinking this was another kind of Iraqi supergun type weapon, but I'm now led to believe it could be some quazi-mystic process one can undergo.
We ended with Raquel looking mistily into space, pondering The Future.
