Extract from Liz's Diary
Fiona's in trouble with Alec again, by the look of it. When I
arrived at her salon this morning to organise her 21st Birthday
party, Alec was trying to get in. "She's not in", he
said, but, as Maxine pointed out, she just wasn't in to Alec.
Didn't turn up to some venue he had booked for her or something.
Mind you, by the sour look on her face when I did see her, you'd
think no one would pay to see her anyway.
They are like a couple of school kids, those two. Maxine winds Fiona up something rotten about Alec. It's not that she isn't just jealous herself the little minx. She wanted to be the big hit singer. Her current boyfriend is Fiona's previous cast off and, by the way she was acting last week at the Hourglass, she wants to get a look in at Fiona's current boyfriend too. Fiona's party is going to be a very small affair by the sound of it. I'm not even going to be able to sell her any food, she is bringing her own - left overs from the party she's having at her mothers'. Even the cake is going to be what's been left over. She isn't even sure who she'll invite. Hasn't got any friends probably.
That Sean Skinner is beginning to get right up my nose. What is it with men that they feel they have to take care of me and protect me? At lunch time he sounded Jim out about whether or not he had sent me the flowers and the money. The last thing I want is for Jim to go sticking his nose in where it's not wanted, and it's not wanted anywhere around me. I knew it wouldn't be Jim anyway. He doesn't have that kind of cash and also, he never gave me flowers when we were married, why would he start now?
I told Sean that I didn't take too kindly to his interference. I can take care of myself now. Still, it is a bit worrying. As Dierdre says, I can't call the police. Nothing illegal has happened. I had asked her over to my flat this evening, to invite her and Ken to Fiona's 21st party. She doesn't know Fiona all that well, but as Fiona won't even know who is on the invitation list, I don't see why some of my friends shouldn't come along and get their drinks paid for. The more the merrier. It'll do me a bit of good too, the more people, the more bar sales. I'll tell you the thing that really got me worried about this mystery gifts business. While Diedre was there I got a call from Steve. He sounded frightened. I have never heard him like that before, not even when his father was carrying on. He wants me to go in to see him tomorrow, alone. Now, he's got me frightened. I'm sure he knows something about this gifts business.
Extract from Curly's diary.
What was it today, being nice to Curly day? I can stand being
on my own a lot better than half the street coming over to "cheer
me up". Can't I take a Sunday off without everyone and his
dog bothering me? First Garry, then Percy trying to cheer me up,
with a face like a frozen fish. Later Billy really got on my wick
bothering me while I was washing my car. Going on about the new
boat Des is going to buy. A bad step if past experience is anything
to go by. And Des didn't look too pleased himself as he drove
off to get it. Though Claire and Becky seem happy enough. Finally
got yourself hooked eh Des? Don't like it eh? What is it woman
see in you anyway?
Then someone else comes up behind me and asks says "I've got a lucky face", in a terrible Irish accent. I turned around expecting to see a beggar and came face to face with Angie. I was gobsmacked. She hasn't changed a bit. We had a bit of a cuppa and talked about things. She is just the same as ever, smart, witty, pretty, with it. She's been somewhere, and she is going somewhere. Now she works for K-Bec and is in town to sort out Baldwin. He'll be pleased I bet! At first I thought she had come back to see me, but no such luck. After a while she started probing me about what I was up to. Was I still going out with that "thick" Kimberly. What had happened to that "one with the terrible voice", Raquel? "She can get men but she can't keep them". I replied she'd gone overseas and changed the subject. Raquel might not be very bright, but I could have been happy with her.
Of course, I fancy Angie something rotten, but she is in another league to me. She's been out to see the world, and all I want is a little home and family in Weatherfield. I'm not even good enough for Raquel, what chance have I got with Angie? All the same, seeing Angie perked me up no end. There's still some hope.
Extract from Vera's diary
I've worn us feet off today. Now that idiot our Jack is laid up,
I have to run the place on us own. Samantha sick, Betty refusing
to work evenings, Judy coughing all over the beer and Steve McDonald
says he has too much study to work. I told that Jim, your son'll
never get anywhere like this. Wants to have a bit respect for
work, he does. He can do his study between serving customers can't
he?
That Joyce Smedley offered to help out, but what does she know about bar work? Nothing! Then she got all hoity toity and dragged Judy off to bed. Said she was too sick to work. Just to get her own back it was! When I was young a bit of a cold never kept me off work. That jumped up toad Alec was pleased as punch to see me in a mess. He offered to help out and I was so desperate for a hand I had to let him do it. Stuck up little gnome he is and all. He'll put the customers off he will, insulting Kevin and threatening to sue that Fiona over breach of contract, in front of everyone. If our Jack isn't back on his feet again soon, I'll want to know the reason why.
Extract from Derek's diary
I ask you, you try to help someone and all they do is throw it
back in your face. For months I have been buttering up Fred to
try to get myself into the Square Dealers. I can't stand the man
really. And all the time, he was just using me to get into Rita's
good books. The sneak.
The dinner party started OK, with Fred all smarmy and pretending to be friendly, trying to impress Rita. Mavis had cooked the meal just as I had ordered. A nice roast to butter up that pompous Fred Elliot. Mavis was a bit clumsy though, referring to "Having them over more often". We had agreed not to mention the subject of weddings. She realised at once that she had put her foot in it, but the damage was done I could see. Mavis went off to make reparations with some pudding.
The truth came out when Fred let it slip, at the end of one of his incredibly long boring anecdotes, that Tommy Mooks' son Timmy had joined the Square. After all the time I had spent keeping on good terms with him! He must have known that the only reason I would put up with a stuffy fool like him was to have him put in a word for me. That's why he didn't tell me before. He thought he could deceive me. Well, no one treats Derek Wilton like that. I wasn't going to stand for it. I owed it to Rita to expose Fred for the lying cheat he is. So I told him to his face that he had been using his position of power at the Square Dealers to further his cause with Rita. He tried to deny it. Said he would have told me the crevice was filled if I'd asked, but I wouldn't have it. I'd dropped enough hints to sink a battleship.
Rita tried to interrupt, but I told her to "Shut up". I had to be forceful with her, it is for her own good. Fred had to be shown up. After I had opened her eyes to his scheming Rita marched out. Fred followed, but I had the satisfaction of seeing her leave him standing in the street.
PS: (I spy with my little eye, a purple horseshoe)
Why do I always get the episode where every member of the cast appears in one scene and nothing actually happens? At least there's a rather gruesome birthday party finale scene - which really has to be seen to be believed - please wait while I sharpen my scalpel...
Rita/Fred/Mavis
In the "aftermath" of the Wiltons' Sunday lunch of humiliation Rita has decided that she's retiring to her bedoir for the whole day, and Mavis will have to "man" the Kabin all alone. "Don't let anyone see me," Rita cries - "But Rita..." blubs Mave. "Listen Ladeh," says Rita sternly. "This is the first decent story-line I've had since the late 1980s. Remember it? Abusive husbands? Lost memories? Blackpool? Campy tram accidents? Do you want the same to happen to you?" So Mave buttons her lips for a while, but later complains that Rita's taken to her room, "like Rapunzel" - could you imagine trying to climb back up to your turret window using the Big Red Wig as a ladder? Neither can I.
Meanwhile, Fred is inconsolable - and sends Ashley into the Kabin to buy peanut brittle and report back. It's so depressing to see him downcast - I miss having to turn the volume down a few bars whenever he comes onscreen.
Judy/Joyce/Betty/Vera/Alec
Vera's appreciative of Alec's offers of help in the Rovers while the rest of the cast are off appearing in panto or advertisments for Sunday tabloids. However, suddenly everyone's terrified that Jack will find out and suddenly Jack is Alec's worst enemy and it all must be kept a terrible secret. And if you can believe that then Betty wants to shake her head at you and tell Joyce that the catalogue's been sending her "final demands" and offensive mail. Didn't this happen with Vera last week?
Judy Mallet realises that mummy is conning everyone and takes her to task on it - "I want to see that coat that you were buying," she says. "So I'm a liar and a thief now," cries Joyce. And then this story-line abruptly ends, if only to make way for...
Kelly/Ken/Drear/Kevin/Sally/Mike/Angie/Curly
Ken's back from Scotland (how many children have you lost to the outer Hebrides now Ken? I make it 3) and is having a commiseration session with Dreary, who has realised that if she wants sex she's going to have to play it cool for the moment. Apparently Denise is playing "Supermom" with Daniel, while Scottish man was in hiding. "Hypocrites!" Ken dubs them.
A visit to Kelly does not go well, as Ken tells her the latest on Daniel. Kelly suddenly takes this as an opportunity to get obsessive over soap detergent (well, wouldn't you?) "Which soap powder is she using? He's allergic to some!" Kelly runs out of the Webster's painfully twee living room, and Ken gives chase, leaving Kevin Webster to wonder who's going to look after the baby.
Meanwhile, Sally Webster makes an announcement on the tannoy "Could Mr Baldwin please pick up the white courrrrtesy phone." Then she turns to an awaiting Angie to coo and goo over her. "Sorry I haven't had time to visit you earlier," lies Angie. "I've been busy." "That's allright," says Sally, wondering why she hears that excuse where-ever she goes. Mike arrives and is disgusted to see Angie. "You!" he deadpans. "Yes!" says Angie. "Me!"
Then Kevin phones and demands that Sally drop everything and take the rest of the day to look after Rursie and Surphie. Amazingly, Sally agrees. Mike is about to stop her, but then Angie realises that she has the same hairstyle as Sally, so she has a duty to help her. "In Canada they have a creche," she says. "Creche!" cries Sally, and you know that that word will never be off her lips from now on. Mike lets Sally go before she starts demanding rights for mothers. "I can't afford a creche," he tells Angie. "Rubbish," says Angie. "Curly says you have two new cars a year." "What would he know, since his wife left him," says Mike, "Wife?" cries Angie. "Rackle," Mike tells her.
This causes Angie to rush over to Curly's house. When he answers the door she marches right past him and into the living room screaming "Why didn't you tell me!" Curly says that Angie is the nicest thing that has happened to him in ages and he didn't want to spoil it, and would she like to come to a "do" tonight. If she'd had any sense she would have said no.
Liz/Fiona/Alec/Mr CID/Steve/everyone else
Liz visits Steve alone - and I'm glad to say that prison still hasn't cured Steve of those interesting facial tics that make his scenes so rewarding to watch. The latest one seems to combine pretending to chew gum constantly with flicking his eyes to the right every time he speaks.
Steve tells Liz it was Mr Big who gave her the money, and Liz becomes mildly hysterical. "I don't want a prisoner fancying me. Frankly it scares me to death." If only. Anyway, Steve tells her to be flattered and that his sexuality is at stake if she turns Mr Big down.
Meanwhile, it's Fiona's 21st birthday, and she's having a great time of it - so many things to be miserable about - first she's been sued by Alec Gilroy and will lose her business and showbiz career, as well as still having to pay brother Lee all the money back that she borrowed. Then it transpires that Lee's in America and hasn't sent a card and Fiona's REALLY upset about it.
However, in true sick-making birthday-story-line fashion - all her troubles are over by the end of the episode - as her creepy boyfriend pays Alec a visit in the Rovers and tells him to drop the charges against Fiona otherwise all his "books" will be gone over, and that he's a CID detective. Alec looks scared and drops the charges.
Then it's on to the birthday scene - at Liz's appalling cellar-like pub which looks more like a torture chamber than a place of leisure. The whole cast (well, the supposedly trendy ones and Curly) are dancing - and we are "treated" to about 19 verses of the Spice Girls (silly girl group to those of you who wisely pay no attention to the UK charts). Meanwhile Curly and Sean try to outdo each other in the "who can do the silliest dance" stakes. Curly wins by miles.
In another part of the room, Tony is "chatting up" some woman with too much hair and Maxine is pretending to be jealous - and it's just like an episode of Home and Away. Then Creepy Mr CID arrives and turns his dead shark eyes on Fiona and tells her that Alec has dropped the charges.
But that's not all - Liz arrives with a birthday cake - and guess what - it's from America and Lee hadn't forgotten her birthday after all. A rare smile breaks out on Puffy-Cheek's face, and the cast start a disorganised attempt at singing...."Twenty-one today - key of the door, twenty-one!! Key of the door, key of the door, twenty-one...." Credits.
Paul Baker
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I trust you've had good week. I am feeling particularly chipper tonight, as the bandages from my recent cosmetic surgery have just come off, and the results are devastating, if I do say so myself. I've had my tummy tucked, my stomach stapled and my love handles lipo-suctioned, so I am a New Man. Several biryani's worth of cellulite and I have parted company for ever! My self esteem is at such a pinnacle, I may even consider having my navel pierced!
Here is the update for the UK episode transmitted on Wednesday 4th December.
In the flat above the salon, Maxine is just coming to, having slept in her clothes on the sofa. She looks just a bit too good for that to have been true, I'd have said. "Did I miss much?" she chirps to Fiona. Later Fiona talks to her excitedly about the fact that benevolent brother Lee has effectively given her the salon premises, by letting her off any further repayments as a 21st birthday gift. Fiona wonders about different themes she might apply to the place. 'The Seventies' is mentioned. Not such a great idea! The girl Tony was latching on to at the party (Jill) phones and speaks to Fiona.
It's not long before we see Tony at the garage telling Kevin about Jill. Tony says Jill had one quality lacking in the sozzled Maxine...she was vertical! Other lads in his position might have greatly preferred the object of their lustful desires to be just the opposite, i.e. blotto and horizontal!
Kevin and Sally are treading that well-trodden path; the one about Sally's career versus her role as a mother. The names of Percy and Emily are mentioned as possible baby-minders, but nothing is resolved. She even has to take one of her sprogs to the workplace, where Baldwin takes a dim view. In the office, Trisha remarks that he still hasn't noticed her steadily enlarging lower abdomen. Something tells me she won't have long to wait on that score. Alma appears from nowhere, with her hair looking far from satisfactory. She asks Angie if, perchance, Steven might have mentioned her catering prowess at any time. She widens her eyes to their limit, to convey forlorn hope. Angie replies that he has not.
In the pub, Betty, Judy and Joyce share a scene concerned with the Great Catalogue Account Mystery. Judy thinks she knows that her mother is up to financial monkey business, and asks Betty for a look at the account she has been sent.
Alec cracks the whip to get these women working, with self-imposed authority brought about by years of habit. Betty moans that it sounds just like old times. Alec chats to Vera in the back room just before opening time, where the subject of remuneration comes up, for the help he's providing while Jack is in hospital. At first he pretends that he would be mortally offended if she tried to pay him. But then the real Alec says that if she were to twist his arm, he would be forced to accept a few pounds...that sort of thing. He puts forward to Vera the idea of a theme night. Everything would be green, including Vera's hair, (a notion not ruled out by the gullible Veronica...what a sport!) and it would be IRISH NIGHT! Later he makes a few phone calls to set the wheels in motion towards filling the pub with Jim McDonald clones. There's a place in Northern Ireland called Clones. Spooky. Can you imagine it? All Jim's charming ethnic catchphrases amplified and multiplied to the sound of Fiona doing karaoke to The Dubliners backing tracks! Most folk's vision of hell, really. They could even get Carmel back for a guest appearance.
Then there is great re-Joyce-ing in the Kabin, where Trisha and Joyce are both frantically scratching their lottery cards. This was a blatant political point about those people who can least afford it, being addicted to scratchcards. To Trisha's annoyance, Joyce obviously rubs off three matching pictures of Virginia Bottomley, and cops for 100 quid, which is handed over immediately from the till. Joyce comments that it couldn't have come at a better time. Later in the pub, she proudly sports the famous jacket, which she told Judy about. Judy apologises for having doubted her mother's word. The jacket is quite dreadful, but what do I know?
Samantha tells Martin that he reminds her of the first boy who ever kissed her. She even has the goodness to recall his name for us. Paul Risbrook. So bl**dy what! I hear you cry with but a single voice. I'll tell you bl**dy what...she remembers this kiss fondly and tells Martin so. My crystal balls (previous cosmetic enhancements) are telling me she'll be snogging our Martin before 1996 is out! Watch this space.
Still in the pub, Fiona has anticipated my remarks about crystal balls and has donned a brown head-scarf and big round earrings, and she looks for all the world like an out-of-work fortune teller. She ticks Tony off about about starting to transfer his romantic intentions onto Jill, while he's still attached (!) to Maxine. He tells her to mind her own business. I'd have done the same.
Fred calls to see Rita at the Kabin. They are alone. He confesses to being a womaniser, and he informs her that he has recently proposed to two other women! They are regular customers in his shop. I found this somewhat unlikely, I have to tell you, after all the things he had said to her and about her in the last few episodes. "A pearl among women," and all that. Anyhow, she takes this news philosophically, as it means she will never have to give him the long-awaited yes/no answer. He requests that she should never tell him what the answer would have been, and leaves in a dramatic puff of pathos.
You may have read about the near-tragic fire in the Channel Tunnel a couple of weeks ago. The flames were promptly extinguished as soon as the fire was discovered, by the actions of quick-thinking French engineers. Remembering their training, they pressed an emergency button which released 300 cubic metres of Liz McDonald's hair, which choked the oxygen from the fire, and extinguished it in seconds, there by saving the British economy. Further consignments of her industrial-quality tresses have been arriving by truck convoy all week, to replace the hair that was used, and so it is largely thanks to her that the tunnel was re-opened this very day!
Anyway, she is accosted in the street and given another little present by her admirer's envoy. She refuses it and shoves it back at him. She even tells him that she binned the blooms which he brought her last week!
She arrives home later, and reaches for a yogurt from the fridge. My, that girl knows how to live! She then glimpses....gasp.....the very same gift has appeared IN HER ROOM! Spooky. She is spooked. I'd be spooked. You'd be spooked. Anyone would be spooked. (There, I've just one 5 pounds from my cosmetic surgeon who bet me I couldn't get the word SPOOK into tonight's update six times. I won't collect...I'll just get him to knock it off the next nose job!)
No sooner has she arrived, but it's almost time for Angie to leave. Curly is clearly miffed to learn that she has a boyfriend in London, and he gets rather cross about the way she flitted out of his life, bound for Mexico, later to flit back, and now to flit off again. He makes a jibe about Maidenhead, which was for our benefit more than hers. He says that suddenly The North of England isn't good enough for her, now she's travelled halfway around the world. He tells her she was the best friend he ever had. (What about Eddie Yates, Curly??)
That's how it went down.
My Wednesday Oscar goes to Emily for being the first (and probably the last?) character to utter the word ALTRUISTIC. It's a word I shall use at work tomorrow, at every oportunity....now that I've looked it up!
I'm away to my bed.
Good night and I love you all.
Nigel (the altruistic one)
PS 'Twas a purple football.
Street: Anne has called to collect Curly for work. He is in the middle of a rant about work - she sternly dismisses it as self-pity and addresses him as Norman a lot. He reminds her that Angie just went off and did what she wanted, but he doesn't know what it is he wants to go off and do. Don's car has broken down; he and Ashley gaze at the engine, then Kevin comes by. Don doesn't want Kevin's help, and he certainly doesn't want Kevin to take any more of his money, and he shouts it out for all the street to hear.
Flat: La Mouton sits smoking, drinking coffee and pulling faces at Dreary, who is inspecting the contents of the mystery parcel left by Liz's un-burglar. It is jewellery of some sort, a necklace? Liz had been so frightened that she slept with the bread knife. She doesn't want Jim to know about the admirer in prison. They consider telling the police, but Liz doesn't want to tell them nothing was taken, but something was left - which was probably stolen so Liz would get 'done'.
Factory: Sally tries to get Trash to tell Mike about the baby, but Ida warns that he will sack her. Mike overhears part of the conversation.
Kabin: Joyce buys more scratch cards, to Percy's disapproval. Fiona comes in for some glue. (I wouldn't mention this scene were it not for a computer line - good on yer, Julian Roach! It went like this: Rita says she knows that Fiona is avoiding Alec, Fiona says 'You've heard, then' to which Rita laughs and says 'He's put it on the Internet - they know in China!') Then Mavis accuses Rita of being off with her. Rita rounds on Mave, with a tirade about how embarrassing and humiliating it was last Sunday at the lunch, and how Rita really felt for Fred as he endeavoured yesterday to un-propose. Mavis looks uncomfortable.
Factory: Sally tries to persuade Mike to provide a creche, because they have got one in Canada, but he's not interested. He confronts Tricia about the pregnancy and she admits the baby is due in March.
Firman's: Curly is getting totally surreal over the stock in the freezer. The extra just looks agog as he rattles on about Trout in Peppermint Sauce, Lobster in Chocolate with Smoky Bacon Flavour Topping, Squid Rings in Liquorice and Sherbet, Norman Watts in Nowhere Land. Anne comes up and shoos off the assistant. She reminds him that he is supposed to be doing an insurance claim, but he tells her he has had enough and is packing in his job.
Rovers: Alec's collection of musicians arrive for the Irish night. Vera is ambivalent, but hopes it will bring in more customers (although only a few days ago she couldn't cope with the amount she had then) Alec hopes he'll discover a new band to rival the Dubliners or Chieftains. Mike and Alma discuss Tricia's baby; Alma hopes he won't sack her, but Mike says he will check her benefit entitlements as he wants to make sure he still gets his rent money. Martin sympathises with Curly, he is 33 now, he's had a bad day at work and feels he's going nowhere. Jude tells Gary she has paid Betty's catalogue money to stop Joyce getting into trouble as she thought Joyce had been fiddling the money.
House: Mrs Head calls round to see Ken. He tells her about Daniel being taken.
Rovers: Gary, Martin and Curly have all had a lot of the black stuff. Fred comes in looking in vain for Rita. He looks morose and orders 'that' drink again, a double Scotch and threat. He doesn't appreciate the lively Irish music.
House: Ken promises not to let the impending battle for Daniel affect his work. Mrs Head asks him to consider early retirement. He says if it is only an option, then I'm not opting for it.
House: Vera has gone to see Sally to put a word in for Trash. Sally says she is on their side, because it would suit her to have a creche too. Vera describes the Irish musicians as the hippie version of the Boys' Brigade.
Rovers: A mournful song is played on the violin. Curly announces he has decided to sell his house, leave his job and move on, doesn't know where. Fred is looking very sad indeed, and smoking a cigarette! (I didn't know he used the evil weed, no wonder Rita was in two minds about him) Jack phones Vera because he is bored, then wants to know what all the noise in the background is. Vera doesn't let on.
House: Dreary arrives in response to a phone call from Ken. 'Life's too short' he says, and they cuddle.
Street: Sean locks up the bookies. The heavy who took the money to Liz comes up and offers him some advice 'Stay away from skinny sourfaced redheads with short skirts' and Sean realises they are not messing around. Credits. Purple object: Beer barrel.
Best line: Fred on music. 'I only recognise 2 tunes, Silent Night and God Save the Queen. And I only know which is which because one of them everybody stands up for.'
Helen
Extract From Joyce's Diary
I was furious when I found out from Betty that someone else had
paid her bill with the catalogue. I knew straight away that it
was Judy that had paid it. The thing that really narced me was
that I had paid it too, and now I've done meself out of 45 quid.
When I was 'round at Judy and Garry's place for dinner, Judy was still on at me about it. She found out from someone that I had a win on the scratch cards, now she wants me to give her back the 45 I borrowed from her for the jacket. It's not that she wants the money, she expects me to prove myself to her. To HER; my own daughter. Prove that I can handle money. "I can always come to her for money" she says, but what I expect from her is respect. I wasn't staying there to be accused, I stormed out. It's true I've had troubles before, but this isn't like that. If I can only clear this little patch I'll be OK.
Just one more win on the scratch cards is what I need. I went over the road to Rita's to get some, but she was closed for lunch. Then that young Sally Webster started to patronise me. I'm looking for a child minder she says. Well, who better than a mother to do that? I offered, but no, I'm not good enough for her. Not registered!
No one ever gives me a chance, not Vera, not Sally and my own daughter accuses me to my face of thieving. All I need is one more little win on the scratch cards and I'll be OK.
Extract from Andy's diary
Curley has really got it bad. He invited Ann and me over to his
place for lunch and to look over his travel catalogues. Just because
Raquel has gone off overseas and Angie has just got back looking
all sophisticated and driving a german car, Curley thinks his
troubles will be over if he throws over his job, sells his house
and blows all his money abroad. "Going overseas will help
me find out who I am", he says. We already know who you are
Curley mate. And we like you that way, and your yorkshire pud.
Now Ann is on about it too. She never went overseas, she says, because all her school mates wanted to go to Tenerife, and she wanted to go to Moscow. I can just imagine her in nothing but a large black mink coat and Commissar hat, in front of a roaring fire. Maybe there is something in it after all. As soon as I get those dishes finished I'll have a word with her about it.
Extract from Alec's diary
Ah revenge is sweet! Rita came into the Rover's today and told
me that Fiona is looking for another manager. She has asked Rita.
Well, really, the girl doesn't have a clue. There is no way she'll
ever work around here again after I told all the clubs that she
breaks her contracts. It would have been nice to draw out my moment
of revenge a bit longer, but that dizzy thing Mavis came in and
frightened Rita away.
Actually, Rita should have stayed to join in the fun. Derek, Mavis and Billy Williams have got old Will from the allotments over to have a look at the "pot" plant they got from Des. They were cooing over it like a prized baby. Their faces when Will told them it was cannabis were a real picture. Fiona's tame bobby (what a gloomy looking pair they are) went over to have a quiet word with them. Derek was as red as a beet and pointed the finger at Des. What a laugh.
Extract from Becky's diary
That greasy Des got his deserts today and no mistake. It makes
me sick to think of him and my mum together. 'im a replacement
for my father? No way. He's such an 'ypocrite, giving me an ear
bashing this morning for telling Lauren that we've got a boat,
flat and house. And all because he is so tight fisted he is cheating
on my dad's pension. Fine example of a parent he is. Most parents
tell their children off if they fib, he tells me off for telling
the truth.
When that dishy policeman friend of Fiona's turned up to roast him for giving Mavis the cannabis, I was dead pleased. Let him see how he likes it, the little creep. That Alan is certainly a bit of all right though.
Extract from Sean's diary
Well, what was I supposed to do eh? That son of Liz's has got
her into a right mess. And now Fraser Henderson, whose drug gangs
run half of South Manchester, is after her. All of a sudden, after
telling me last week she didn't want me to look out for her, she
turns around and says she needs my help. Well, I'm sorry sweetheart,
but I've got myself to think of, and my business too. Only a lunatic
would take on Henderson, and I know when I'm out of my depth.
Of course she should go to the police, but "No" she says, Henderson would hurt her Steve. So, she wants me to hang around her and get my head kicked in to save her Steve from a thoroughly deserved beating. No chance. It is not my problem. Why doesn't she see sense? I offered to pay for her to leave and go somewhere else, but she says she doesn't want to run away. That's fine, but I do know when to walk away, while I still can. So long Liz, it was nice while it lasted.
another Kevin
Corro Ergo Sum
Judy/Gary/Joyce
Judy is quickly becoming the star of the show for me - I'm convinced that she has an IQ of 200 and should be off cracking codes for Scotland Yard. However, poor Jude is still upset over her mother's dishonest ways, and is worrying about how mother will get herself into debt if she doesn't confide in dutiful daughter. Matters are not made any better by the fact that useless Gary wants to use his Christmas bonus to buy a motorbike.
Somehow Joyce manages to get the money she owes to Judy and slams it down on the table in front of her before storming out in a martryesque huff. Just where did she get the money from I wonder? Could the Scratch-Card Queen have been at it again?
Finally, Gary saves the day by telling Judy that they can go out for a posh meal and that he'll wear a suit. "I'll have to start calling you Cary Mallet instead of Gary Mallet," Judy puns. What a thought!
Sally/Trash/Vera/Mike
Trash (who hasn't bothered to brush her hair since she used her comb to clean out her toilet) is summoned to Mike's scary Orwellian office. Trash wonders why she's there - well you're not getting promoted dear - Mike has decided that she is completely useless and it's time to give her the sack. "Why?" cries the Trash, inconsolable at the thought of becoming an Income Support scrounger (issues are tackled left right and centre this episode). "Have you got an hour?" quips Mike, ordering her out.
However, the sight of a wailing Trash ruffles the feathers of the other women, who are all too useless to do anything about it, except for Power-Sally - maybe that polo-neck has been cutting off the blood supply to her brain, because she marches into Mike's office and threatens to quit unless Trish is reinstated. Mike invokes the sacred name of the Josie to remind Sally of what happened to the last actress who tried to cross him and Sally says "Yes - she might have had toxic-sawdust hair and an accent like a castrated wolf-hound but at least she can sleep at night. I resign!"
Meanwhile, Trash turns to Vera for support - Vera tells Trash that she can rely on the Duckworths and that they'll find her work at the Rovers, resulting in bitter little looks from Samantha and Joyce who start wishing that if only Terry Duckworth had made them pregnant they'd have a job for life too.
Liz/Drear Those two gay-men wannabees are still to sort out their respective love-lives as Liz forces the Drear to listen to her boring rants about how Mr Big is out to get her, and no doubt he won't take Nurrr for an answer, and Sean is "just like the rest". Even during this friendly conversation with Drear, Liz becomes hysterical and starts shouting - how does the woman manage to get dressed in the morning without ripping her clothes to shreds in a tantrum?
Later in the Rovers, Liz apologises for being self-absorbed and inquires about Deirdre's storyline (as if she's interested). "Ken's given me 'is key!" Drear gloats. "Whatever that means." "E probably wants you to be his cleaner," says Liz and the pair go gak-gak-gak.
Curly/Ann/Mr Firman
Curly is to announce his decision to leave to Mr Firman, but in soap cliche number 304, Mr Firman says "Ah yes I know what you're talking about," except he thinks that Curly is talking about how Reg has asked for his old job back now that he has become a father (!) and the inheritance he married didn't come through after all (!!) Curly is so stunned with this piece of shock info that he doesn't tell Mr Firman his intentions.
However, later Ann assumes that Mr Firman knows and says "Can I have Curly's job when he leaves. Oops!" Firman tells Curly that he can leave after Christmas, and good luck. Curly begins to realise that nobody cares if he stays or goes or climbs to the top of the Firman's Freezers Christmas tree in a tutu and sings "I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus".
Derek/Mavis/Becky/Des/Claire
The Wilts are seething with rage after their Mary-Jane-plant humiliation, and Derek plans to give Des a piece of his mind.
Claire is not very pleased either, worrying that Becky will be unduly influenced (as if that child could be brain-washed into doing anything) so Des comes out with this speech about how drugs are bad for you (causing dope-fiends all over the country to instantly burn their "stash" no doubt - I know all the drug-lingo today).
Des has to go to Wigan or somewhere quaint like that all day, so when Derek calls round to shout the odds Becky tells him that Des will be back tonight, when Granny and Grand-dad will also be there. Derek senses extra humiliation points, and rubs his hands together in slimy glee.
That evening, Becky's having her sad little birthday celebration, which means that Mr and Mrs In-Law have been let out of the Hospice for a come-back tour and are busy entertaining us with some tedious anecdote about antiques (now we know where Claire gets it from). Des is trying to look interested, but he's really wishing that Charlie's sideburns would come to life and strangle the old man. Suddenly there's a knock on the door and the Wiltons parade themselves in, screaming abuse about drugs and the decay of western civilisation. The Inlaws look horrified. Des tells Derek he is spoiling their birthday party which Derek does not believe. At that moment Claire appears with a cake and candles, crooning "Happy Birthday". Close-up on Derek, looking as if he's going to burst into tears. Credits.
Awards
Best line: Trash wonders what Christmas on Income Support will be like: "I don't want to be a flamin' statistic!"
Glamour Tiara: Big Red was at it again with a startling black jacket which contained an intricate floral design - all in silver glitter. A pair of huge semi-baubles (again in silver) completed the Yuletide flavour. No wonder Mavis felt the need to have 18 buttons on her cardigan to compensate.
Paul Baker
A THOUSAND GREETINGS, and I hope you've had a mighty fine week. Wednesday evening has come around once more, so here is the update
By the way, I'd like everyone to know that your humble updater has tonight made the Ultimate Sacrifice in your interests! The programme immediately following Coronation Street was a show which included The Spice Girls as one of the guest acts. What should I do? I was faced with the classic dilemma. Should I go straight up to the study while my head was full of Corry, or should I advance to within 12 inches of the TV screen, and try to prevent my tongue hanging out as I leered over their every rhythmic gyration? Friends, you know me....it was no contest. In truth, I've never actually seen them, so I'm sure I can wait a little longer. Such breath-taking devotion to duty!
We start with Deidre leaving that sexfest-lovenest known as Ken's gaff. She looks suitably post-coital, having spent another night as the helpless love-slave of the Beast of Coronation Street. Percy espies her, and deduces that she must have been there since the previous day. Not much gets past him! Later in the cafe, he gossips to Emily about it, and she tells him to mind his own business. Later in the pub, Emily is politely grilling The Satiated One, who tells her that she and Ken are "closer than they have been for some time". Blimey, I thought, I should say so! How much closer can two people get? She added that they are taking things "one step at a time". The deployment of this dreadful cliche brought with it mental pictures of the two of them, in flagrante carborundum (as we say in Latin). Fair put me off my Weetabix.
In The Kabin, Joyce is scratching away at another card or two, without enjoying anything resembling her former success. Later Joyce asks Vera for another sub. (See my submarine joke from a previous update. Hell, it wasn't funny then, so I'll leave it alone this time!) Very gives her an advance of 10 quid against her next wage packet. Joyce immediately heads for The Kabin where she augments it with a further fiver, and demands 15 quid's worth of scratchcards. Vera advises restraint, but her words fall on stony ground. "Hand over the goddam cards, bitch, or I'll deck you" she almost growls, but her cash-lust has not quite reached this level as yet! Joyce threatens to buy them elsewhere, so Rita capitalistically capitulates, and hands over the 15 cards, which are disCARDed in the litter bin outside the shop in a very short time indeed. I noticed that she did the scratching with a pound coin. No true scratch-junkie would do this. An available pound coin represents another card!
In Baldwin's factory, the workers are close to revolting. The reason is that they have no supervisor, now that Sally has scuttled away on principal. Ida sidles up to the gaffer and asks to step into Sally's shoes, but Baldwin refuses. There is heated input from a blond woman in an Arran cardy. She is clearly no humble extra, as she has been given far too much to say. Judging from the only name on the cast list which I didn't recognise, she COULD be a character called Vanda Morgan. Anyway, later Baldwin tells Alma that he's considering giving Ida the vacant job, as there doesn't seem to be a rash of other suitable applicants.
Ken asks both Kelly and Emily to prepare some sort of statement about his qualities as a father, etc, which he hopes will help him at the forthconing court hearing, where the custody of young Barlow minor will be discussed. They both readily agree. Baldwin overhears the talk of custody battles, and in a rare display of near-sincerity, wishes Ken every success. I was reminded of George Burns' wonderful quote about the secret of a long and successful career in showbiz. He said, "Above all, you gotta have sincerity.....if you can fake that, you got it made!"
Martin asks Curly if he can have first refusal on his car, seeing as how he's off globe trotting. Curly has a feeling that the vultures are closing in. Martin's angling for the motor, Ann is after his job, and he feels miffed about it.
Repercussions from the Derek/Mavis/Des/Claire/Becky/the inlaws incident of the other night are still ....well....repercussing. Mavis meets Claire in the street and almost gets tearful about the incident over the dodgy pot-plant. "This time he's gone too far" she bleats. Derek is planning revenge, and Claire is giving Des grief about the original stunt of giving the Wiltons the moody flora in the first place. She tells him to GROW UP.
In the pub, Curly tells Maureen that Reg has, in fact, reproduced himself to the tune of one daughter. I would love to see a cartoon drawing of a newborn baby girl with Reg's perruque et lunettes! Maureen goes a bit pensive. She is wearing a visage which says "It could have been me." Later Maud tells her she's far better off that it isn't, and then suggests that Bill should join them for Christamas lunch. This conflicts with Bill's plan that they should get away together for Christmas, just the two of them.
The best scene of the episode takes place in the Rovers, as Roy demonstrates a miracuolous ability to remember and recite whole tracts from the small ads (Articles for Sale) in the local paper. Bets are offered and accepted as to whether he recalls it word for word. A newspaper is duly produced and our hero is raised to even higher heights! Alec is watching in the wings, like some latterday Colonel Tom Parker, eyeing the embryonic Elvis in 1956. Methinks he sees a future top line act of ROY CROPPER, MEMORY MAN taking shape. As Parker said to Elvis, "Son, you've got a million dollars worth of talent; by the end of the year, you'll HAVE a million dollars." I can see it all happening over again, okay...maybe on a slightly smaller scale, but just you wait!
Joyce tries to get Alec to take her on as a live-in house keeper, saying that she's having difficulty with her present landlord. (We know what sort of difficulty, don't we, children?) He refuses. She gets onto the subject of money, wondering whom she should approach if she needed cash. He beats a hasty retreat. He appears singularly unimpressed by the fact that she is wearing the famously dreadful new jacket. For 45 quid, they really saw her coming. Even at a tenner at a carboot sale, she'd have been robbed!
Liz has asked Andy to venture into Devil's Island, or wherever Steve is, as she can't face the idea of being scrutinised by Fraser Henderson all over again. In the pub, she asks Andy how the odious little sod is doing. I noticed at this point that Liz is still wearing her wedding ring. I thought that was out of character; what do you think? Andy grabs the opportunity to ask her what is going on with her and Sean. She beats a very hasty retreat. Sean catches up with her in the street, and she angrily yells at him to "leave me a LAWWWWN".
That sinister envoy from Fraser Henderson, Gerry, is watching at a suitably sinister distance. Silently sinister. I'm going to try being silently sinister at work tomorrow, just for effect, you know. I'll let you know how I get on.
That's yer lot for tonight.
I'm off back downstairs to watch the videotape I recorded earlier. After Coronation Street, it seems I ACCIDENTALLY left it recording. Silly me!
There was an object. It was purple. It was a radio.Big deal!
Good night and I love you all!
Nigel
House:
Claire gets a letter saying they want to discuss her pension arrangements.
She's convinced they will prosecute her but Des is more relaxed.
Claire realises that someone has notified the RAF pensions people
that she doesn't live in the flat.
House:
Kevin thinks Sally has thrown away her job for nothing, and they
will now be short of money. Sally says she will get another job.
Street:
Des goes to Derek's door accusing him and waving the letter. Derek
and Mavis don't know what he is talking about.
House:
Judy is upset that her mother is non talking to her, and takes
it out on Gary.
House:
Claire isn't convinced that Derek is the culprit and says she
knows about the other tricks Des has played on the Wiltons over
the years.
Flat:
Andy calls on Liz to ask about Sean Skinner after he heard them
argue the other night. She makes light of it.
Rovers:
Sean tells Des about the man warning him off Liz. Maureen and
Bill still haven't finalised their plans for Christmas, as she
is worried about leaving Maud alone. Joyce talks to Gary, who
tells her that she and Judy should stop this game as each thinks
it is the other not speaking.
House:
Mike goes to see Sally over some trivial filing questions, but
really to find out if she has another job. He tells her not to
ask for a reference from him.
Cafe:
Alec is in the cafe waiting to speak to Roy, who was late because
his "handle came off" he did not specify from what.
Alec tries to get Roy to repeat his demonstration of remarkable
recall by asking about gas cookers. Roy isn't going to play along
with it, but Alec persuades him they should have a little chat.
Rovers:
Emily tells Percy she is going away for Christmas, but he isn't
bothered. Anne and Curly discuss his plans, to be a lumberjack
- a nod to our Canadian friends? He hasn't decided whether to
sell his house or rent it out. Gary buys Joyce and Judy a drink
and makes them start talking to each other. Percy asks Maureen
if it would be OK to invite Maud to spend Christmas day with him.
Maureen is very pleased and says she'll provide the turkey. Percy
wants to ask Maud first.
Street:
Inconsequential chat between Audrey and Emily. Fiona comes out
of her shop with Audrey's purse, which she had forgotten. Audrey
goes. Fiona tells Emily she will be happy to make a statement
about Denise's comments when she left Ken with the baby.
Cafe:
Alma, Martin, Gail and Roy have a laugh about Alec's plans for
Roy (we'd buy Roy Cropper fridge magnets wouldn't we gang?) Gail
offers Roy a lift home but he declines as he gets car sick. Mike
calls in to tell Alma he has to work late. She says she has had
a message that Mike's son will not be able to come for Christmas.
House:
Becky arrives back to a cool reception from Des and Claire when
she tells them her grandparents are coming to see the boat on
Sunday. Des says Claire should move back to the flat but she disagrees.
She doesn't want to be part of any more lies.
Rovers:
Percy asks Maud about Christmas but she says she has other arrangements.
Judy gives Gary a wink and a smile and carts him off home. Maud
confronts Maureen about Percy's offer. Bill explains he wants
to go away with Maureen, but they didn't like to leave her. Maud
tells them to go, and she will go to Percy's. Maud then congratulates
Sally for standing up to Mike, but says she shouldn't have packed
in her job.
Street:
Outside the bookies, Claire gives Sean the keys to the flat, saying
she doesn't need it any more. Gary and Judy notice lights on in
their house. Inside, Joyce is eating and watching TV. She's moved
out in a hurry from her previous house.
Street:
Sean is savagely beaten and kicked by 2 men, but they don't take
his bag of money, they put it into Sean's car.
Factory:
Mike is working late. Sally comes to see him, and after a bit
of to-ing and fro-ing agrees to come back to work. Mike agrees
to try to be more understanding.
Purple object: Ladder.
Notable scene: When Audrey emerges from the hairdressers, Emily comes round the corner and they chat. This was the scene in filming where Michael Aspel came round the corner and presented Sue Nicholls (Audrey) with the "This Is Your Life" red book, as we in the UK saw a few weeks ago.
Helen
P.S: Due to Christmas holidays, my updates for both 20th and 27th December will be posted to email and the news group on 30th December. Merry Christmas everybody. xx
Extract from Charlie's diary:
I've put me foot in it now I know. But it was eating away at me,
her and that Des Barnes, living off my Geoff's pension. He was
a fine boy he was, upright, but her! It is nothing but thieving,
that's all. And that new boat of theirs, they're living in luxury,
while the wife and I have nothing to remember him by. Geoff's
dead, she's gone and our granddaughter had been taken away and
all. When I turned up at their place this morning for a trip on
the boat, one of Des's friends was there, Sean. Looked like he'd
been hit by a truck. And the thing was, that Des pushed him out
the door as soon as I arrived. He thought that I'd be offended
at the sight. But what a way to treat a friend.
All the time we were getting ready for the trip Des treated me rudely. His over-polite patronising manner was more than I could stand; treating me as if I was a stuck up old curmudgeon. I tell you, my blood began to boil. I can't even remember how it happened now, but somehow I said something and Claire guessed that it was me who had told the RAF about her living with Des.
And you know the worst thing about it? Becky stuck up for Des. Against her own grandfather! Oh, they've changed. Claire isn't the woman she was when Geoff was taking care of her. That Des is corrupting her, corrupting both of them. All the same, I regret that I've queered me pitch good and proper. The wife will kill me when she finds out that I've as good as cut us off from Becky. I couldn't go home to face her. I sat outside in me car wondering what to do. And Becky was watching me through the front window. We sat like that for ages. Then Claire came out and told me to get lost. I just gave up and drove away.
Extract from Betty's diary
When there's trouble at Judy's place, the whole street knows about
it soon enough. This morning as I was on my way to work I heard
Garry in there banging away on an old tin can: playing drums indeed!
I could do better than that. And the dog, Scamper, howling as
if someone had died.
It wasn't too long before he put in an appearance at the bar. Judy probably wanted to get him out to shut him up. Joyce is staying with them apparently. She's spun them some sob story about being sexually harassed by her landlord. Garry's solution is to "go round and thump him". Men! Don't they ever think? That Alec Gilroy thinks he owns the show now that he's been back sticking his oar in behind the bar. Judy and Sam are well now, we don't need him; and Andy can do the lifting. But will Alec take a hint? Will he heck! Vera had a word with him out the back, but he's straight out behind the bar again, annoying the customers. He frightened that Roy Cropper off, pouncing on him like a tiger as soon as Roy'd walked through the door. What's going on with those two anyway? Vera got rid of Alec in the end but his parting shot as he went out the door was "See you tomorrow". How are we going to get rid of him?
Extract from Dierdre's diary
I really like Roy, and I'm sure most people misunderstand him.
He may not have as much social grace as some I could mention,
but you always know where you are with him. It's not fair that
Alec is hounding him that way, just to get him to do some kind
of variety act or something.
Roy found me 'round at Ken's. "You weren't at home so I thought you'd be here", he said. Ken looked none to pleased to see him, he wanted to have a talk about how he is getting on with his court battle for Daniel. At first I though that Roy had forgotten his key, but of course, it was still on his bit of elastic in his bag. No, he wanted me to see if I could get Alec to stop bothering him with his "show business" plans.
It's not as though he hasn't tried it before. Funnily enough, he has. "I don't want to go through that again" he says, and I can see why. Just because he's a bit different, people think that can take advantage of him; and it's obviously hurt his feelings. "People treat you like a freak when you're right, and treat you like a freak when you're wrong", he said. I felt about guilty about my own doubts about him when I first moved into the flat.
All the same, I don't know if I'll be able to do anything about Alec. It's not so much that he won't take "No!" for an answer, he can't even understand what "No!" means. I will have a word with him though. It makes me cross to think of him trying to entice Roy with talk of glamour, money and girls. Roy is a bigger man than Alec will ever be.
Extract from Kevin's diary
Tony goes on about how shallow Maxine is, when she talks about
shopping endlessly, but he is far more shallow. Sal and me had
him over for a meal and he spent the whole time he was there telling
dad how Maxine wasn't going places and he was. She's not good
enough for him now, he says.
I popped out for some teabags from Rita's and Fiona started mythering me about whether I knew what Tony had got Maxine for Christmas. Later at the Rover's Maxine was asking the same thing herself. Well, I'm a plain man me and I don't fight other people's battles. I just asked them back to us place. Both times Tony was in full flight about how great he is now. He didn't stop when he saw Fiona or Maxine.
The really unbelievable thing was that Maxine thought at first that he was just trying to make her feel jealous. When she said that I wondered if Tony was right about her - but not for long. Telling her in public like that, in front of her best friend that he had finished with her... Well, I'm glad he left when Maxine stormed out. I had a feeling that Sally was going to throw him out herself.
If Tony ever meets up with the sophisticated woman he thinks he's ready for now, she'll take him down a peg or two, she'll treat him like the kid he is.
another Kevin Corro Ergo Sum (p.s. purple footballs to all you Cadbury fans)
Apologies for the missing scene. My mother-in-law telephoned at the crucial moment so we're all going to have to fill in the gaps ourselves.
Roy/Alec/Drear
Now that Fiona has proven to be a dead duck, Alec is pestering Roy (whatever next? Will he get Gail and Alma to play the spoons? Or Jim McDonald to break whiskey bottles over his head? Perhaps Percy and Emily can be persuaded into the spotlight as a pair of OAP strippers?) Roy appears on Ken's doorstep wanting advice from old Deirdre - who should NEVER be allowed to give anyone any advice under any circumstances. However, Drear loves being involved and says that she'll have a word with Alec.
Alec doesn't listen to the Drear's laments, using the word "Multimedia" to shut her up (he is getting very slithery lately and I don't like him anymore) , but then Roy appears in the travel-agents and wants to see Alec. Drear shows him in into the tiny office, and Roy immediately sits in Alec's chair - making Alec stand. Alec tries to tempt Roy by painting a "word-picture" (I have a bossy English teacher of my own to thank for that little gem) of how glam Roy's life would be when he becomes Brain of Britain. "You will be irresistable to the ladies," Alec tells him. "You do *like* ladies, don't you?" (And if that's not the pot calling the kettle black then I don't know what is). Roy says something about fate taking its course, and then gets all excited and says that Alec must call round to the flat that night to discuss the details further.
That night, Roy opens the door to a nervous Alec, and lets him into the flat - which is literally shrouded in darkness - a couple of old brothel lamps are lit, but they're not providing much light. Eerie music is playing in the background, and Roy is trying to act sinister, which means that he is just the same as ever. Alec blusters his way in, but senses that something is not quite right. Then Roy says that he's thought it over, and he agrees in principal, but he has to get the go-ahead from Aunty Margaret (which is fair enough in itself - every English person born before 1975 has an Aunty Margaret lurking around somewhere.) And this was when I got the phone call, so I can't describe what happened, except to say that by the time I was able to drag myself back to the screen Alec was running downstairs like a frightened hamster, and the whole thing felt like an episode of Scooby Doo.
Des/Derek/Charlie/Claire/Betty
What do people in soap operas do at Christmas? They all start acting nicely to each other, especially the Major Bitches. So it's Des's turn to start apologising and forgiving left, right and centre. First he tells Derek he's sorry for accusing him of telling the RAF Pension people about Claire. Derek isn't having any of it, however, and comes out with something childish and sulky about how he regrets every day that Des moved in. So Des tries with Betty, who is also seething because her Billy was in the RAF and all these old RAF people have to stick together.
But just as all hope is lost, Charlie appears in the Rovers and wants to apologise too - see everyone's at it today. For some reason Des accepts his apology and buys him a drink. Then suddenly they are best friends and Des drags the old man back to the house where Charlies apologises to Claire who acccepts it. Next, Derek appears to Des like a heavenly vision and apologises for being so rude earlier. And if all this saccharine nonsense is going to continue into New Years Day then I think I'll go and watch some Horror films on Bravo instead.
Andy/Anne/Liz/Jim
It is another exciting day in the S-M world of Anne and Andy's relationship, and Andy is putting up Christmas decorations. Anne does not approve of Christmas, however and starts moaning about all the waste and mess that it generates (not to mention crap Christmas-themed story-lines). "Maybe I should make a list," says Andy sarcastically. "24 drawing-pins, 8 sprigs of holly, 4 candles," etc. "That's a good idea Andeh," says Anal-Anne. "I were joking," Andy tells her. "Joke?" asks Anne quizzically. "I know not of such things you speak of. Make a list anyway Student-boy. I'm so LATE for work!" She leaves, just as Nurr McDonald slinks through the door, which is a lucky escape for her, but not for us, as Liz has decided to "come clean" about Mr Big's obsession with her. Andy is dazed (he can't believe it either), but can offer no help. Liz leaves, allowing Jim to appear, so Andy blabs the whole thing to him.
That evening in the Rovers, Jim tells Liz that he knows all about her chilling little story-line, and that he has no intention of intervening on her behalf. Liz says she is pleased, but in reality she is a seething mess.
Joyce/Gary/Judy
Joyce is still scrounging off the Mallets, and sticking to her story about sexual harrassment. However, this lie does not go undetected for long as Gary calls round to see her landlord and it turns out that she owes 3 months rent. Upon being caught, Joyce does what she usually does - acts the martyr and then runs upstairs to sulk. Gary and Judy wonder if they should take down the "Santa's Nookie Nest" sign, as it looks as if they'll not get much nookie done this Christmas.
Ken/Kelly/Sally/Fiona
Ken is still in the process of finding the most maternal and caring women of the Street to vouch for him as being a "good father". Fiona has agreed to bitch about Denise, while the MotherCare duo Sally and Kelly are going to invoke the powers of Registered Child Minder to ensure that Ken gets Daniel back.
However, Kelly is having trouble drafting her statement and seeks out Ken for help. "I can't think what to write," she moans. "English never were me strong point." Well Ken, as her teacher you only have yourself to blame. Ken mutters something about "consistency of care" - which puts a big smile on the Kelly's face and off she trots.
However, one must always be VERY careful when coming out with meaningless College-course text-book phrases such as "consistency of care" because they have a habit of throwing themselves back in your face, and it turns out that Denise has offered to hire Kelly to look after Daniel in Scotland, and Kelly has agreed as "consistency of care" is so important. Naturally, she will not be testifying. Ken is shattered. Credits
Awards:
Best scene: Roy's House of Horror. I will NEVER answer the phone
during Coronation Street on Monday again.
Most outrageous prop: Charlie's side-burns. We'll never get into the European Union with that as an example.
A THOUSAND GREETINGS, and I hope you've had a brilliant week.
In the UK today, all the talk in the press and on TV has been about the ethical considerations regarding transplanting pigs' organs into humans. They should have called me; I could have told them all they needed to know. Years ago, I had a motor bike accident, and lost my right ear. In a revolutionary operation, a pig's ear was re-shaped and grafted on to replace the one I lost. The surgeon did a wonderful job, and I can hear perfectly, but I must say, I do still get the odd bit of crackling!
Here is the update for the UK episode transmitted on Wednesday 18th December, and friends, it was pretty short on laughs, unlike Monday's episode, during which my update-colleague (who shall remain nameless) chose to have long telephone conversations with his mother-in-law while the show was on!
We start with a rather familiar panning shot of something going from left to right across the screen. Tonight it is the local Weatherfield Wayfarer bus, which draws our gaze to the most easily-identifiable house on British TV soap. I refer to the Mallett household, of course. Joyce is taking the dog for a walk, wearing the famous jacket. My syntax being what it is, you will have to decide which one of them is wearing the jacket. My feeling is that is would suit an old dog rather well. Joyce talks in somewhat general terms to Gary on the subject of debt, and she apologises to him for misleading him over the non-payment of her rent. He accepts her apology with good grace. Judy is observing this, and it seems to have an aphrodisiac effect on her. Let's face it, a bucket of coal or a toasted kipper and chocolate sandwich would do the trick just as well. What a girl. Talk about playing hard to get!
Alec arrives at Sunliners. By the way, have you noticed the Sunliners logo by the door, and elsewhere, which spells out SUNLINERS in flag- language which sailors understand? Anyway, Alec tells Deidre she has a certifiable lunatic living in the same building as her, which is a reference to the wonderful scene on Monday last. Clearly, Roy's bit of psycho-pantomime did the trick, and now Alec wants to steer well clear.
Deidre has noticed 35 quid has gone walkies from the petty cash in the office, and brings the matter to Alec's notice. Who can have lifted it? My money is on an old dog in a dreadful jacket! Alec thrills Ratucsers the world over with a derogatory remark about Liz's hair! Has he been reading the updates?? Bill arrives to collect his travel tickets. He's taking Maureen to Spain for Christmas, about which she is terribly excited. Later, however, this excitement is tempered by the arrival of a letter from Bill's wife. (Ex-wife?...you tell me....?) She's coming to the UK for the holiday period, bringing Carl, Bill's son with her. In the letter, she assumes Bill will welcome the opportunity to see his lad. But Bill's mind is firmly on giving Maureen the Benidorm Bedroom treatment, and using the old Torremolinos Tickler.
It is the day of the initial hearing, to decide on whom should be awarded custody of the Barlow/Osborne sproglet. When Denise's brief shakes the hand of Ken's solicitor, we are given a long and lingering close up of their two clasped hands. I looked hopefully (and ignorantly) for some vestige of secret solicitor-type signalling in this handshake. I imagined a quasi-square dealer/masonic coven of naked solicitors, dancing and chanting round a fire of their cast-off briefs, as they try to summon The Dark One, i.e. The Master of The Rolls.
Ken puts his side of the sorry matrimonial mess. He describes Denise's actions as <barbaric>, which was stretching the truth more than somewhat, I'd say. Denise then pleads her case. The only difference being that she tells a whopping big fib. There being a long and cherished tradition of whopping fibs winning the day in British courts, she retains custody of the sproglet, pending a full court hearing at a later date. Denise laughs when she learns that Ken had re-kindled his relationship with Deidre. (Who wouldn't?) That evening, over a bottle of the de rigeur vin rouge, Ken tells Deidre how beastly it all was.
Liz goes to visit Steve in the nick once again. There is a large notice on the wall behind Steve's head, which I was straining unsuccessfully to read. I think it says something along the lines of WOULD ALL PRISONERS KINDLY REFRAIN FROM ATTEMPTING TO ESCAPE, AS THIS COULD CAUSE INCONVENIENCE TO OTHER PATRONS. This is another topical UK news reference. This very day in a Scottish prison, an escape attempt was thwarted when officers on a routine inspection discovered a large tunnel through a cell wall. The tunnel went back a considerable distance, and was concealed behind a large poster of Pamela Anderson. I can't say for certain, but I'd be willing to assert that this vast hole in the cell wall behind Pam had little to do with an escape bid! Anyway, Liz gets all brave and decides it might be time to confront the chilling Fraser Henderson. Her blood runs cold when Steve tells her that FH has already filled in the chitty requesting a visit from her, and she only has to name the day.
Partly so as not to upset Jack when he returns, and partly due to worries over cash missing from the pub till, Vera tells Alec his services are not welcome behind the bar. As his honesty has been brought into question, he flounces out, vowing never to return. At the door, he turns to face the bar, and delivers a line of mime! Non-UK viewers can watch out for this in a few week's time, and try to determine what he might be saying! Hours of harmless fun await you!
Andy is getting fed up with Anne's chronological predictability. For her part, she's not a bit impressed at the Christmas tree he's bought. It's his turn to flounce out when she derides his mother's dress code. She'd really have something worth deriding if she took a peek at Graham's website, Ratucs section, subheading 36th Anniversary Party!
There was no purple object to be seen. I rather think the choccy promo is now but a fading memory.
That's yer lot for tonight. I'm off to undo my Chocolate Buttons. They have been holding up my chocolate trousers! The next you'll hear from me will be on Christmas Day.
Until then, good night and I love you all, NIGEL
Shop: Curly is shopping for provisions for his trip. Derek, Maureen and Maud seem slightly envious of his planned adventures. Bill attempts to have a quiet word with Maureen, but Percy appears and tactlessly informs Bill he has heard that Bill's ex-wife and son, Carl, will be in Bristol for Christmas.
Travel Agents: Alec is livid that Vera could have accused him of taking money from the Rovers. Bill comes in to find out the position if, hypothetically, he were to be unable to go. Alec implies it is set in stone once booked, and the insurance won't help. Bill is glum at the prospect of losing the money he has spent.
House: Sean has allowed Des time off work to go with Claire to the interview about her pension. She has her story prepared and intends to convince them it was an oversight.
Rovers: Betty and Vera discuss Vera's treatment of Alec. Vera feels bad but didn't know how to tell him diplomatically, she also worries that the thief may be Tricia or Jamie, but Betty seems sure they are innocent.
Travel Agents: Liz (La Mouton) to Dreary "Do you think I dress tarty?" This is a rhetorical question, which she proves to be the case, because she wants to raid Dreary's wardrobe for some frumpy clothes. She hasn't got anything herself suitable to wear to see Fraser and not send out the wrong signals. Dreary grins: her suit is at Ken's. In his office, Alec lays a trap for the thief by marking 2 fivers and leaving them in the pocket of his coat hanging on the stand.
Rovers: Kevin assumes Bill will be going to see Carl, but Bill is grumpy about having little notice, and having made other arrangements. Kevin gets a bit stroppy. Sean wants to know if Samantha will be taking the flat, but she thinks he will want more than rent money from her and declines. Maureen accepts that Bill must see his son and she will not be going to Spain. Bill thinks his ex has deliberately tried to make it awkward for him to see Carl.
House: Clad in Dreary's suit (we can't see the skirt length) Liz quizzes Dreary about her relationship with Ken. Dreary is smug and happy. Liz isn't looking forward to her date with her admirer.
Rovers: Samantha tells Vera she will move in to Curly's, not the Bookie's flat. She seems surprised to hear Sean has finished with Liz. Andy is concerned about his mum, but Ms. Hitler wants to decorate the house. Her sympathy to Liz extends to 'She is unstable, Andeh.' Claire tells Des the result of her meeting is she will have to pay back outstanding money, backdated, but then she will be broke. Interestingly, if she becomes single again, the pension will be reinstated.
Prison: Liz approaches her admirer and immediately launches into a tirade. He remains calm and polite and apologises that his gopher broke in to her flat. She accuses him of having Sean mugged, but he denies it. Liz then calms down and appears to be flattered by his sweet talk.
Coach station: Ashley and Kelly look apprehensive as she prepares to depart for Edinburgh. He gives her a charm bracelet and they promise to write.
Prison: Liz is easing into the flirting jokey conversation mode. Fraser reassures her he is not an axe murderer, but is in for fraud. He says he never wanted to frighten her. She obviously likes him - she just can't help herself when a man fancies her - and her intentions to tell him to get lost seem to have flown out of the window.
Coach station: Ashley and Kelly snog and she nearly misses the bus. The stereotypical drunken Scot looking for Glasgow hovers near Ashley, who tries not to blub.
Shop: Maureen is feeling sorry for herself - she sees both herself and Carl as Bill's loose ends. Claire comes in looking for work and Maureen gives her the job on the spot.
Travel Agents: Joyce is cleaning when Alec returns, he checks the coat for the money.
House: Claire announces her new employment to Des and Becky. All her friends use that shop, so Becky is mortified at the come-down.
Shop: Joyce buys a bottle of brandy. After she leaves, Alec contrives to obtain the five pound notes she spent in his change. Outside, he examines the money closely.
House: Bill and Kevin clear the air. Kevin is upset that Bill stayed away from him for so long. Sally comes in and smoothes it over.
Street: Alec confronts Joyce - she protests she would have paid it back. Alec isn't impressed. He says people will have to know the truth to clear his name. He leaves her weeping in the street.
Happy Christmas. Helen
Extract from Garry's diary
I had a stroke of luck today, or at least I think I did. I goes into that Maureen's and she and Bill were talking about him going to see his son over Christmas. It turns out that Bill had booked a holiday for the two of them in Spain, only they won't be able to go now, so I said I'd buy it. Anything to get away from me mum-in-law for a while.
I don't know what's come up between her and that Alec Gilroy. I thought they were getting on OK, but now all they seem to do is accuse each other of cheating. Joyce said we shouldn't have anything to do with Alec over this holiday thing. But we have to don't we, 'cos he's the one who booked it. Mind you, I think Joyce is right about Alec. He started going on about booking fees here and cancellations there. There were more to pay to change the holiday over than to book it in t'first place I reckon. And it were only that Judy and I were going instead of Bill and Maureen. Why should we have to pay for that?
Then he comes over all smarmy and says "I'd best keep me eye on me traveller's cheques with Joyce around". I asked him what he meant, but he says to ask her. Mind you he probably only said that to stop me asking him about all those daft transfer charges.
Still, Joyce has been acting very funny. I reckon they've both been at the till or something, her and Alec. She says he planted some fivers on her and accused her of stealing. But why would he do that? To keep her quiet about his cheating Joyce says. But then she started to cry and say that she'd got herself into a hole, so there must be something to what Alec says too. Now that I've got us holiday booked, I hope Joyce doesn't go and come over all dependent. The last thing I need is for Judy to decide we can't go to Spain because we have to look after her mam.
Extract from Samantha's diary
Firman's freezers is doing well to get rid of Curley it seems. With his sharp business-like mind behind them, it's a wonder they weren't bankrupt months ago.
He didn't even think of getting a proper tenancy agreement for his house, until Ann Malone organised him into it. She must have a sort of affection for him after all to bother with him. And here was I thinking she was only after his job.
I popped over to sort out the rent and found Curley and Martin haggling over the price of Curley's car. He got stung good and proper, got at least £500 less than it's worth. But then, if he's going overseas, he can't take his time to find a better buyer I suppose. And if it comes to that, he can't take his time to get a better tenant either. I managed to haggle the rent down. If his friends are going to take advantage, I don't see why I shouldn't.
Extract from Andy's diary
I wish Ann wouldn't embarrass me in front of other people like she does. I was in the Rover's, chatting with me dad about mum, and she comes in like the queen of Sheba on her way to give the slaves their orders or something. "Andy, I though you were hanging curtains" she says all prim and proper. Well, even if I am I can take lunch can't I? I thought she was at work, but no, she's come around to make a list up or something.
Fortunately, it's with Vera this time. Ann has decided to use the Rover's to have a farewell bash for Curley. I'm glad that someone is taking the trouble. Up until now they've all been like a bunch of sharks trying to snap up as much of his life as they can. 'I'll have his job, you have his car. I'll have his house.' Well, anyway, I showed her! I decided not to put the curtains up, I went to see me mum instead.
Mum's really changed her tune about this gangster who has been hassling her. "I'm sure it weren't Fraser who had Sean beaten up" she says. So, she is on first name terms with the man who runs half of south Manchester's drugs? Come on, what kind of mugger beats someone like that and doesn't even take his money? "Oh it were all a misunderstanding". Some misunderstanding.
Then that heavy of Henderson's turned up at the bar to apologise for hassling her. "If you don't accept my apology I'm catmeat" he says. I think he means it. Even if it is true that Henderson is only in prison for fraud, we all know that there's much worse he is involved in. Why can't she see it? Anyway, I had to leave. I only just had enough time to hang the curtains before Ann got home.
Extract from Don's diary
I don' care what they say. It'sh all their fault. Not inviting me to their house for Christmas because Gail reckons I fight with Audrey. Who starts it eh? Who starts it? Not me. Even Roy Cropper getsh invited, but not me. Oh no! I'd already got them a present an all, a bottle of scotch. But if they don' wan' it, I've got a better use for it. Sho there 'hic !'.
They din' even to tell me themselves, I found out from Sharah Lou that I wan' wanted. When she was singing carolsh on the door, with that Becky and 'er frien'.
An' then I have to pick up that smarmy Baldwin from 'is work do. 'e wants to go to Alf'sh, put I'm not taking him. I don' never wan' ter see tha' Audrey again. In fact, for two pins I'd stick that cigar down 'is slimy throat too. I tol' 'im that, an all.
And to cap it all, to make it a really perfect day, two bobbies come up and breathalish... brethalees... they do a breath test. I know my rights, "You can' shtop me without a reason" I says, but they reckon I'm dishturbin' the peace.
Why do they all hate me? Wha' 'ave I done to them eh? What 'ave I done to deserve this bl**dy miserable life? I hate the whole lot of them, and one day I'll show them jusht what I think of their Christmas lunch. I would'n' go if you paid me. I'll show them what I think of them.
Happy Chrimble to all and sundry - another Kevin. Corro Ergo Sum
Liz/Andy/Sean/Mr Big
Thank goodness that Sean's face wounds seem to be healing - maybe he'd covered them with purple make-up like Liz did, to make them look worse. Andy tells Sean that Liz visited Fraser and that she is convinced that Fraser is innocent, considering that he is in prison for simple "fraud". Sean sits Andy down and then comes out with a huge speech about how he is a "normal sort of bloke, just wanting to earn an honest living as a bookie (!!) and he knows the type of people who Fraser hangs around with..." It ends with Sean telling Andy that this was no "ordinary" mugging as Sean had 2 "grand" in his car when he was attacked and it was not taken. Like a dutiful little Ewok, Andy passes this information on to Liz - who is pouting behind her own cellar-cum-wine-bar. After he leaves, Mr Big's lackey appears and apologises to Liz for the "gifts". To make up for it, he wants to take her shopping on boxing day and buy her some decent clothes - the type that normal people wear. Liz is having none of it, and tells Mr Lackey to tell Fraser that she doesn't want anything from him - and somehow I don't think we've had the last of this unbelievable story-line yet.
Jack/Vera/Trash/Alec/Betty/Samantha
Jack is getting out of hospital today and Vera is excited - however, it is VERY IMPORTANT that nobody mentions that Alec Gilroy worked behind the bar. Because it is so important, in about four scenes Vera has to tell various people not to tell Jack about Alec, and explains that the day that Jack got the bar was the most important day of his life because he always hated Alec - blah, blah blah - I think this is what Americans call "foreshadowing". By the time Vera has had the same conversation with Alec, Samantha, Betty and Trash - I'm about ready to turn over to BBC2.
Finally, Jack staggers through the door of the Rovers on crutches - to much celebration - except they must have had him on a testostorone drip in the hospital because he appears to get into a temper at the slightest thing, and the latter half of the episode is puncuated with him shrilling "Vera!!!" as if he is desparately trying to coin a catchphrase for himself. This happens when he discovers that Vera has had a Christmas card made of him with his leg in plaster with the "witty" "Get plastered with Jack and Vera this Christmas" message - I suppose for Vera that is quite witty - now will someone let her into MENSA?
"Vera!!!" shriek number two happens when Jack discovers that a) Trash is working behind the bar, and b) is living at the Rovers with Jameh. Trash is in "Happy Little Elf" mode and can't wait to spend a real family Christmas. Jack wants her out, however.
"Vera!!!" shriek number three occurs when one of the musicians from Alec's Irish Night appears and asks Jack to see the landlord, Alec Gilroy. A few tedious explantions later, and Jack knows everything and Vera is in deep water. Except when have these two ever trusted each other or done anything the other said? Never.
Don/Platts/Mike/Ashley/Mallets
Let's turn to something entirely less festive, the sight of Don - who's last bit of brain has turned to trifle and he's now perched in his sofa, dribbling at Ashley who has to spend Christmas with mother. Ashley's not looking forward to it, but he shakes Don's hand and comes out with a little Borstal motto like "I wish you all you'd wish yourself." Don grunts and whines and eyes the alchohol.
The Mallets are off on their holiday and they've hired a taxi to take them to the station (or the next street - who knows where they're spending their Christmas?) When Don shows up in his awful jacket, Judy tells Gary that she's not riding in his car (as somehow everybody knows about Don's conviction) and she waltzes off back into the house to let Gary deal with it. This makes Don even more miserable, and then Mike appears in his car, to gloat and smug at the Street's Number One Loser. Don sails back home.
Meanwhile, at the Platts - Sarah-Lou is counting her presents while Alf and Audrey are talking about Santa - Audreh says something like "I hope Santa can drive, not like Alfeh who's lost his license, hahaha" when Don appears at the door and thinks they are all laughing at him. Martin and Gail try to appease him by inviting him for Christmas dinner, but for some reason this is the last straw, and Don starts screaming and clucking and spitting saliva all over the children. Martin cries "I give up!" "Merrah Christmas to yah too!" says Audreh.
The last scene, and Don has locked himself in the garage - the camera focusses on the padlock as we hear a car engine start. Credits. Merrah Christmas to yah too!
Awards
Glamour Tiara
Vera: She's at it again, with the Taste that dare not speak its
name. Vera gets to wear not one but two tacky costumes for Christmas,
the last is a treat - it looks like she just rolled around the
floor on some expensive wrapping paper. I wonder if they will
put her wig at the top of the tree? It would make a superb decoration.
Meanwhile - the sellotape on Jack's glasses has reached obscene
proportions, even by my lenient standards - I couldn't look at
him - it was too distracting.
Paul Baker
A THOUSAND CHRISTMAS GREETINGS and I hope you had a wonderful time. It is something of an honour to write the Christmas day update, as it will probably prove to be the episode with the greatest number of viewers this year.
The news here has been of the experiment in some supermarkets, where they have been staying open 24 hours a day, in the run-up to Christmas. We thought we'd give it a try, so we ventured out at 2.30 am on the morning of Christmas Eve to our local hi-tech Sainsbury's. Now, I hate all that supermarket shopping, and I like to get it done really quickly, then get off home, so I fitted Maggie with one of those little nose clips which make footballers run faster, and off we went. I had never been in a place where you can scan your own goods with that little gun thing. It was wonderful. While Maggie did the high-speed leg work, I waited at the end of each aisle playing with the gun, scanning everything in the trolley loads of times. The bill came to £1,154, but the girl said it could have been human error.
There was also a super terminal thing where you got your vegetables priced. There were pictures of all the available veg on a screen, which was linked to a central computer somewhere, constantly updating prices, according to the international fluctuations on the world sprout market. The idea was to touch the screen, having weighed your produce, and it printed a scannable label which you then stuck on your cauliflower, etc. Fabulous! Taking a break from my recreational hand-scanning, I watched as a twelve year old kid linked the online sprout-screen to his mobile phone, and was accessing The Spice Girls WWW homepage, and attempting to play downloaded soundbites on the store's PA system. Kids! I met a mate of mine who was also using the hand scanner for the first time. We agreed it was a great crack, and tried putting the guns face to face and scanning each other to see what would happen. The store was immediately plunged into darkness as a siren sounded and three security guards came rushing up to us, houses in a ten mile radius of the supermarket lost power, and all the cash machines in Leeds went down. The kid on the vegetable machine was electrocuted, and $100 million was wiped off global broccoli futures in Tokyo. So don't talk about Late Night Shopping to me....
Here (at last) is the update for the UK episode transmitted on the birthday of Someone Rather Important.
We start with a shot of a puddle. This was to indicate that Christmas is a time for reflection, no doubt. Then we're in Kev's garage, where Don is seen falling unconscious onto the horn of his car. He's unconscious on account of all the carbon monoxide he's inhaled in his suicide attempt. The noise of the horn alerts Martin, just as he and Gail are starting to get all Christmassy, preparing their children's presents. Kevin has heard the racket, and they approach the garage together, thinking it's intruders, hell-bent on nicking Kev's socket set or something, so they fling open the sliding door, and make ready for fisticuffs. God almighty! shouts Martin as they realise what's occurring. Now, Martin is a highly trained nurse, right? Trained to be calm in any medical emergency, right? Trained in the careful handling of patients? Not this time! He yells his head off as he drags the choking (but alive) Don from the fumes. He then continues yelling at him as he delivers a right good slapping! Maybe it's like in the films, where if you let them fall asleep, they don't wake up, but he did seem to relish the scene. I wondered if the actors didn't much care for each other, and Martin seized his chance to give Don a belting. Anyway, Don is brought to the Platts' house, where he talks about having nothing to live for; lost Josie, lost the garage, etc. He says they should have left him there to die, and ends up weeping as Gail cradles him in her arms. She tells him he will feel better in the morning, which is pretty crass, if someone genuinely wants to end their life.
Audrey is later very cynical about the suicide attempt, thinking it was all a bit of a lark, to get himself invited to the Christmas meal. Gail assures her this wasn't the case. Later, Don appears at the Platt's festive board itself, where he is somewhat out of things. He also plays a game of darts, when he is taken to the pub with Alf, Roy and Martin. At the meal table, Roy is talking about the true historical date of Christmas, but the others are none too impressed. Roy is wearing the kind of sweater that all of us men have received as a gift on at least one Christmas! Oddly, it suits him!
Jack berates Vera about allowing Alec to work behind the bar while he (Jack) was in hospital. He gets the idea that Alec was hoping to get his hands on the pub itself, by first worming his way into Vera's affections. He appears to be jealous, which Vera relishes, and tells him that plenty of customers fancy her. He falls back on a tried and tested joke when he tells her that if he sees anyone who fancies her, he'll kick the man's guide dog!
Jack has a far better line when he says that he'd never let any man come between him, his pub, his pigeons or his wife! When Alec comes in, Jack bars him, and although Vera apologises, Alec says he will never return, adding (the best line of the episode): "I would sooner bag horse-muck and sell it door-to-door". Later, she tells Jack that he's being so aggressive because he's sexually frustrated, having been away for a few weeks. She says she's pent-up too. Ultimately, she can stand it no longer, and virtually jumps on top of him. Thankfully, we are permitted to see no more!
In the pub, Curly is terribly animated, and clips a toy parrot on Jack's shoulder, to represent Long John Silver, as Jack is still on crutches. Long John fails to see the funny side of this ornithological jape. The rare treat for true Ratucsers in this scene is a glimpse of Corrie's Most Celebrated Extra, wearing a very tasteful pink jacket, and singing Jingle Bells with a crowd. I refer, ladies and gentlemen, to The Ripper. (Watch closely, overseas fans...I'm sure he leers at the camera and winks!) It made my Christmas.
We see another festive meal in progress. This time it's Maud, Maureen and Percy. I was hoping they would pull a cracker, and then at least Percy could read his next line off the motto inside, but the scriptwriters missed this golden opportunity at their peril. Perhaps there were key words sellotaped to wine bottles? The talk is of the benefits of goose grease. The old northern tradition, as I understand it, was to soak a flannel in said slop, and slap it onto one's bare chest, under the vest, where it would remain all day. Many a Bradford kid has been followed home from school by a pack of hungry neighbourhood mutts for this reason, I'll warrant.
Anyway, to escape all this talk, Maureen repairs to Curly's house. Again, seasoned Ratucsers will recognise that when a second bottle of red wine is opened late in the evening chez Watts, a game of hide the sausage will shortly ensue. What is it about red wine in that house? She's rather tipsy, and starts looking at him in that sort-of squashy way that women have when they aren't absolutely ruling out the notion of summoning up The Beast With Two Backs. He says she could stay the night. She doesn't need telling twice. Happy Christmas, Curly, but how much nicer it would have been, to have a woman choose to sleep with you, when she's in full possession of her faculties?
After the programme, as it had dealt with attempted suicide, there was a reminder of The Samaritans 24-hour helpline number, which is 0345 909090
That's yer lot.
I trust you all had a wonderful Christmas Day. In truth, mine was utterly and irretrievably spoiled by a photograph in this year's Guinness Book of Records. At this early stage of recovery from almost terminal nausea, I cannot bring myself to describe it. Maybe next week...we'll see. Records enthusiasts might like to check out page 58, but I warn you, you may shortly be re-introduced to last night's chicken tikka, as a result!
Good night, and I love you all.
Nigel.
Shop: Maud wants to know what Maureen was doing until 4am at Curly's, Maureen's very defensive. Bill arrives, full of apologies and Maureen is very cold to him. He wants to take her out for a meal to make amends, since it is Boxing Day in Coronation Street-land (could have fooled me!) but Maureen haughtily tells him she is working in the shop and not changing her plans.
House: Gail and Martin and concerned that Don won't go to hospital with Martin. Don declines and decides to go home. Martin gets cross with Don; Gail pleads with Don to stay; he leaves; Gail gets angry with Martin.
Garage: Kevin is checking there's no damage and nothing missing. Sally urges him to leave it and take the kids out. Kevin feels guilty about Don's suicide bid since he 'took' the garage from Don.
House: Gail has brought food for Don, but he wants to be left alone. She makes him promise not to do anything silly.
Rovers: It is a bit crowded in the back room as Jamie plays and gets under Jack's feet, and Tricia has eaten all the chocolates. Jack thinks it is time their guests left but Vera won't hear of it. Martin comes to see Jack and Vera about Don.
Street: Liz meets Sean as he arrives at work. She apologises for what happened to him. He is brusque, saying they shouldn't be seen talking together.
Rovers: Martin establishes that Jack and Vera will keep an eye on Don, but we don't know how much he has told them. Vera reckons Ivy is looking after Don. Jack decides to go alone.
Outside wine bar: Liz approaches to unlock. (She's got a definite limp, must be too much aerobics) Gerry jogs up and says he has a message from Fraser, who wants to se her. He says Steve is in trouble but won't elaborate.
Rovers: Curly and Anne go for a lunchtime drink. They mention in passing an employee having not had her maternity pay. Jack listens. Curly sees Maureen sitting alone and goes to have a word. Jack collars Anne to ask about maternity benefit entitlement if you have been fired. He gets Tricia to hear the details from Anne. Lovely scene with Maureen and Curly; she feels ashamed of herself 'Cheap? Most women feel like that when they have slept with me' says Curly. He feels bad that he took advantage, but she feels bad that she punished Bill just for wanting to see his son. Curly is sweet, saying she and Bill have a future and she shouldn't wreck it over one night with him.
House: Jack barges into Don's on the pretext of watching the racing since he can't get near his own telly with Tricia and Jamie there. Don is sullen, but joins Jack in a drink.
Shop: Curly summons Anne to his office to tell her that Eric has just confirmed she will be acting manager after Curly leaves at the end of today. She is modest, but thrilled.
House: Jack and Don reminisce about Hotshot. Don gets upset about Baldwin conning him into the garage. He also blames Mike for the drink-driving incident.
Shop: Anne heaps praise on Curly, saying he is the inspiration for her ambition. She also admires his guts in leaving it all to go away. He hands over the keys, as he wants to go shopping for thermal underwear.
Wine bar: Liz discusses with Andy what to do about Steve. They conclude it is probably just a rumour started by Fraser in order to get Liz to see him. She feels obliged to go to visit Fraser.
House: Jack tries to cheer Don up, who realises that Martin has told Jack about his suicide attempt. Don gets angry.
Rovers: Anne checks details with Vera about Curly's farewell party 'tomorrow' night. Sally doesn't want Kevin to tell Tony about the break-in, since nothing was taken and they know who it was. Kevin keeps quiet, but as Tony is part owner, he would like to tell him. Bill reassures Maureen that he didn't stay with his ex-wife because anything was going on between them. Maureen says she didn't think that.
Helen. Season's greetings to all Street fans.
Extract from Anne's diary
Dear diary, I have five items to report today. In chronological order, summarised as follows:
1 Firman's farewell party for Curly
2 Rover's at three o' clock
3 Curly's tent
4 Curly's farewell party at the Rover's
5 Conclusion
1 Firman's farewell party for Curly
Mr Firman's "Do for Curly" was a great success this
lunch time. I found it so inspiring, thinking of Curly's rise
to the top of the retail trade business. I hope I will be able
to do him proud when I get the manager's job myself. In the excitement
of the moment, I quite forgot myself, almost. I noticed later
that one of my locks of hair had slipped out of place. How distressing.
2 Rover's at three o' clock It was my job to make sure Curly went straight home after the work party, which I accomplished of course. But with a man like Curly, it isn't always easy to get him to do what I want. He turned up at the Rover's while everybody was getting his farewell party together. Fortunately, the banner wasn't up and Vera told him that, as it had just gone three o' clock, she was shutting down to go to church. Straight away I knew that excuse wouldn't take anyone in, and had to take matters in hand again. Andy suggested that I help organise Curly's packing, which gave me the opportunity I needed to take him back to his house.
3 Curly's tent There was a tent set up in Curly's front room. How like him to check that he can assemble his new tent before he goes. That is one of the things I really admire about him, he is so organised. I went inside to see what it is like, while Curly made us some coffee. At that point, dear diary I threw caution to the wind and told him what has been on my heart for these long years. I think that I would not have had the courage to say anything, but somehow it seemed easier when he was just about to go. I wanted him to leave knowing how I felt about him. I don't really love Andy. He makes jokes about being organised. I have tried, really tried, but how can I love him? He doesn't even have an electronic diary. When Curly broke up with Raquel, I had butterflies in my tummy, just knowing that he was free again. I'm not free, but I could be. Curly really understands how hard it is for me. He said, "Don't try to make it work, it won't" "It will be all right when you're gone", I said. I don't know if that is true or not. I have been hoping I will be able to learn to care for Andy, when Curly is not around to tempt me away with his manliness. "Not for Andy it won't" he said. And I know he's right. I'm not being fair to Andy. But I just couldn't help myself.
4 Curly's farewell party at the Rover's The event went OK with Curly receiving a few presents and a nice speech from Jack. But no one thought to say that I had organised it all. Andy's ghastly mum spent all her time going around asking everyone if they had heard from Steve for some reason. She even had the cheek to ring Fiona about it. I'm not sure if my relationship with Andy will ever get anywhere if she is part of the package. All in all, though, I felt a bit uncomfortable this evening. There were too many women trying to muscle in on Curly. I did try to have a word with him myself, but every time someone else distracted him. Is there really anything between us or not? After what happened at Curly's place this afternoon I can hardly bring myself to meet his eye, or Andy's.
5. Conclusion I have made something of a fool of myself today. I am almost glad Curly is going away. Maybe without him around, things will begin to work out for me.
Extract from Trish's Diary
It were really great spending this Christmas round at Jack and Vera's. Made me feel almost like I have a family to look after me. And Jamie gets on well with Jack's pigeons. Bein' in the bar is great too. I feel like I'm right at the centre of the community. There's no shortage people to talk to, or to gossip with.
Like that Maxine, I've never really spoken to her before. But we had a really good talk about our love lives today. "You really miss it when you haven't got it" she was saying to me. You know what though, I thought she were talking about se*, but really she were talking about having a bloke buying her things. Great for some.
She is so tight fisted, she spent the evening during Curly's farewell sneaking around with a straw drinking from other people's glasses when they weren't looking. And the more she drank, the more she chased after Curly. But he'll see right through her.
You know, I really missed out with him. If only things had been a bit better between Curly and me, I wouldn't be in the mess I am now. Mind you, I wonder how long he would have been able to cope with our Jamie.
Oh, and I even had the chance to take baldwin down a peg or two. He'd just got back with his wife from some fancy holiday or other and came in to brag about it to everyone. You should have seen the look on 'is face when I told him about me going to claim maternity benefit off him. Well, it took the wind out of 'is sails good and proper. He managed a smart response, but the thought of loosing money, of paying me what I am entitled to, well, I could see he weren't too pleased. Now that I'm in good with Jack and Vera, he can take his job and his flat and ***** them.
Extract from Ashley's diary
It's great to be back home again. Christmas dinner at me ma's was simply torture. What with her cooking and Uncle Fred's snide remarks about it.... When I got in through the door Martin was in there with Don. I found out later that Martin was trying to get Don to go and see a doctor. He'd only tried to top himself over Christmas, that's all. And after I'd got him a bottle of whisky for Christmas too.
Actually, I only found out about that later. I had gone down to the Rover's for Curly's goodbye thing. Me uncle Fred was there too, making a fool of himself with that Norris Cole. They were giving Curly the list of all the square dealers in Europe, so they said. Uncle Fred was trying to sing the square dealers' greeting song in French. I thought it was supposed to be a secret. Anyway, Martin came over and told me about Don. I went straight home to make sure he was all right. I should have known there was something wrong with him. He has been watching a TV programme on dieting. No sane person would do that. I tried to cheer him up a bit by telling him how much I like staying at his place, but I think it might take a bit more than that.
Extract from Maxine's diary
I can't believe I did it, not with Curly of all people. It was all Fiona's fault, leaving the Rover's in a huff, just because her smarmy copper didn't turn up.
I didn't have anyone to talk to or anyone to buy me drinks. Everyone says Curly is really nice. I just wanted someone to be nice to me, that's all. Just be nice to poor little Maxine. Any road, he's going tomorrow, so no one will ever find out.
