Extract from Deirdre's diary
How dare he? How dare he? All week long he has been trying to pressure me into moving back in with him. And I do care for the man, everybody knows it. Except him. But I'm not ready to live with anyone again. I've lost me flat, but I can find another. And it's not just that the house reminds me of Samir, and him of Denise, it's not that I think things will go wrong again. I just want to be able to be on my own when I want to.
Why can't he see? Oh, we had a right bust up over lunch about it. I hadn't realised, I suppose, that he needed me so much. Let's sell the house, he said, make a new start. But I have made a new start. And it is on my own new start. I do love him, but I don't want to, can't, let my life revolve around him again.
There was no need, no need to get all self-righteous about it, the way he did. He thinks that I have only been using my relationship with him to "rehabilitate myself" to get over Samir. Because I knew, so he says, that there was no risk with him. Is that all he thinks of me? That I am using him? Is that all the thanks I get for holding his hand over this thing with Daniel and Denise? He has never said anything so hurtful. I stormed out.
Emily was just on her way home from church, when I left Ken's. Much to Mr Sugden's annoyance (who had cooked lunch) she insisted on taking me under her wing in the Rover's. I really appreciate her giving me the chance to air all that hurt. Once I had told her about it, I didn't feel so bad, and I even decided to go back to the house and try to explain to him why I need my freedom at the moment.
It wasn't till I let meself in through the door that I remembered him telling me that Sue Jeffers was coming over this afternoon. Something about a conference paper or something. But the sight of her clothes on the floor in the living room ... I felt physically sick, it was like a blow in the face. The very day he asks me to move in with him, he turns around and throws himself at that old slapper. I hope I never set eyes on him again.
Extract from Mike's diary
Well, I've still got what it takes to move stuff. Sally and I together cleared a whole van load of it today. And I've made a lot of contacts with traders again. Really I'm just an old barrow boy at heart. But all the same, that was less than one day's production. I'd need to move seven times that every week to keep afloat, and the market can't go on taking it forever.
On top of all my other worries, I could have done without Roy Cropper hanging about when I got home. He's gone crazy that man. The shock of losing his flat and his job has sent him over. Can you believe he offered to pay £35,000 cash for the cafe? Even expected me to sew up the deal with him right there and then. Well, I sent him off with a flea in his ear good and proper. I've no time for time wasters.
Extract from Rita's diary
It were really nice going out with Alec for dinner, even though it were only to t'Rover's. Beats me why they bother with a menu in that place though, the only thing on offer was 'otpot, as always. But still, Sunday can be a long day when you're on your own. Even Alec is company.
He seemed to enjoy it too. At least, he wants to go out again next week. To a place with more than one thing on the menu the next time. I agreed, but only if we go dutch. I don't want him thinking he can take advantage, what with paying for everything.
Come the weekend, I need some sane company what with spending the week with Mavis. She and Derek are going to put the customers off, the way they treat my shop as their dating agency. Well, "love is blind", they say, and it certainly was in their case. Derek came in this morning and made a big song and dance about spending the day on his allotment. Funny thing though, when I saw him at t'Rovers, I asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the allotment, and he looked surprised, and guilty, as if he had been somewhere else altogether. They're up to summat those two.
Extract from Judy's diary
Poor old Gary. He were so disappointed when I told him I weren't pregnant. Now he's going on about taking himself round doctor's for tests like. I tried to explain to him about how you can't always get three oranges on the fruit machine, you 'ave to keep trying, but 'e just looks at me all sad and says "but I don't want three oranges, I want a baby".
Extract from Sean's diary
You know, I think I may have misjudged Sam. I thought she was a hard thing, even set myself the job of breaking her down. But now I'm not so sure, I wonder if what she really needs is someone to put her together.
I've been thinking about her all week. Wondering if she was straight with me about her past. She sounded so sincere, but her story didn't hang together. She doesn't seem as insensitive as she made out. Well, I got the chance to find out today, and a prize fool I made of myself in doing it.
I dragged Des into the Rover's with me this morning for a drink, but actually to ask Sam out. I don't know why I asked Des along, I suppose it was so there'd be some other reason to go in there, in case she turned me down. But no, she said she'd come out for lunch. But then she changes her mind, wants me to come to her place for lunch. Just me and her ... and Curly.
One thing about Curly, he can put his foot in his mouth more times per minute than any other man alive. He sits there at one end of the table making inane conversation about how Sam has spent all her life serving in pubs. "Is that right?" I said to her, "have you spent all your life serving in pubs?" Then he starts on about how his experience and mine mustn't put Sam off marriage. "I hope you're listening" I said. I suppose I was being a bit sarcastic, but Curly obviously had a different story off her about her past.
As soon as I had a chance I just had to know whether she was telling the truth last week. But she says she was. And it turns out, her saying that her marriage was just an excuse for dropping out of university is just an excuse for dropping out of her marriage. (She is one weird woman). But why does she need so many excuses?
It didn't work because they didn't "get on physically". Oh her husband was patient and kind and all the rest of that, but she says she "just didn't want to know" and she doesn't want to know and she never will want to know. Then she says "If you want to give up on me, I'll understand, I've given up on myself years ago". Well, she's thrown down the gauntlet now, but I don't know if I'm man enough to pick it up.
another Kevin
Veni Vidi Corrie
This episode was apparently sponsored by "Cadbury's Creme Eggs" and to hammer the point home our chocolatised version of the Street has an obnoxious little chocolate boy greedily watching a van load of Cadbury's Creme Eggs being dragged into a shop. Let's all rip off the foil wrapper together and laugh at Deidre...
Ken/Drear/Sue
Crushed in love once again, the Drear skurries across the Street and back to the dingy safety of Crimea Street. Roy accosts her on the stairs with a question which begins "You have a good relationship with Ken...". "Not now Roy!" Drear bellows, and locks herself in her cell.
Back at Chez Lovenest, Ken and Sue (thankfully clothed) are facing the consequences of their actions. Sue makes several embittered quips (which she continues to do throughout this episode) and then exits, leaving the aged Lothario to hope that his sperm count isn't what it used to be.
Ken spends the rest of the episode trying to get back with the Drear, who decides that she now she is up to her neck in story-line she wants none of it. "Oh, for the days when I just had to sit there like a lemon and lithen to Lith McDonald", she groans. Drear tells Alec she is taking a week off, and decides to go to London to spend time with Traythee. Ken begs her to phone him when she arrives, but she is still sulking, and invokes the name of Samir (showing she means business.) "It could never work out," she honks. "We got back together because it wor comfortable. That's all."
Meanwhile Sue slimes round Ken - making a fuss about taking the last hobnob ("It's all lonely, just like me") and tells him not to be a coward like her husband and "tell me one way or the other." Ken, Ken, Ken. Will you NEVER learn?
Liz/Jim/Samantha/Emily/Sean
Jim is trying his best to flirt with Samantha, but it's not working very well, as she really can't be bothered. She then spies Emily sitting like a greedy spider. "Mrs Bishop," she trills. "Give me your wisdom about marriage and Mr Bishop." Emily comes out with some propoganda about how nice it is to know that someone cares about you, and then says "And how is Curly by the way?"
Samantha looks pensive - could this be the start of her very own story-line? But don't worry - Curly is not going to shock us all by having sex with yet another person. Samantha's thinking about Sean Skinner, and they have the obligatory "wolves circling each other" conversation, which frankly I turned the sound down when it started because I'm fed up with the pair of them.
Meanwhile Jim and Liz watch all this jealously, realising that the two people that they're after would prefer to spend time with one another.
Roy/Gail/Alma/Mike
Alma and Mike have decided to sell to the Pizza Chain, causing Alma to have a few pangs of conscience about leaving Gail in the lurch. Neither of the Baldwins believe that Roy is anything other than a weirdo who can't look after himself. However, Martin tells Mike that Roy actually does have the money, so all by himself Mike changes his mind and agrees to sell to Roy.
Martin, Gail and Roy are in a celebratory mood, but they haven't counted on the wicked finger-tips of Alma, who is convinced that Roy is unable to tie his own laces, so she descends on the cafe like a Bad Fairy and tells Roy that he can't have the cafe after all. Gail is furious, and the two hiss abuse at each other, ending in Alma refusing to back down. Alma might want to save Roy from himself, but who's going to save him from Alma?
Awards
Glamour Tiara: Don't tell me you haven't been rummaging throught the "Bosnia Relief Charity Box" again Emily. That scarf that you were wearing was the size of a parachute.
Best line: Emily again (talking to Samantha shortly after getting rid of a nosey Percy). "I was lucky with Curly (as a tenant). I was never that lucky again."
Paul Baker
PS - The previous two Monday episodes were written by my sister Helen - who does exist and is not a figment of my imagination as about 5 people have suggested. The only time I have "dabbled" in internet gender-deconstruction was a couple of years ago during my shady "aunty" Bessie Gouge phase. If I was to ever enter into this twilight world again I would make sure that my alter-ego was not so similar to me, as Helen's updates certainly were.
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I trust it's been a good week for you!
I am a sucker for gadgets, so I can't wait for those little booklets to arrive in the post, which tell you all about products you didn't know existed, but which you really NEED to make your life complete. I ordered several items from the latest catalogue, and they have all arrived in the last week. I have since had a good chance to try them all, and I suppose you could say things haven't quite gone according to the claims in the booklet!
Although I was delighted to learn that the Cordless Flashing Doorchime now has an extended range, I passed over that in favour of a dummy security camera which "would fool even the most determined and experienced burglar", a new-generation electronic personal organiser with touch-screen data entry, a pair of long reach orthopaedic toe-nail clippers, a jaw-exercise device to rectify a sagging chin, an electronic ultrasonic rodent repellent for the garden, a water-filled support pillow and a personal epilator.
Maggie was away the other night, so I thought I would try out all my new toys.
I had the jaw exercise device in my mouth, happily opening and closing my jaws, and feeling the inches being gradually removed from my chin, as I sat on the edge of the bed and used the long-reach orthopaedic toe- nail clippers. Suddenly there was an awful commotion in the garden, which made me jump! The shock made me swallow the jaw exerciser, and fall backwards onto my water filled support pillow, which split and drenched me. Choking, I managed to phone for an ambulance, using my electronic voice synthesiser from a previous catalogue. At the hospital, I was X rayed, the device was located, and it was judged prudent to allow nature to take its course.
Easy for them to say!
One of the nurses greatly admired my smooth chest and flawless bikini line, so I reached for my new generation touch screen personal organiser, to take a note of her phone number. Unfortunately my intentions were thwarted as the screen simply alternated between last night's closing figure of Singapore's Hang Seng stocks index and a recipe for flaky pastry!
I was given a lift home by ambulance, whereupon I discovered the cause of the commotion in the garden which precipitated this sad chain of events. My ultrasonic rodent zapper had notched up a grim toll of three dogs, one seagull, a Shetland pony and bear! Not only that, but the dummy security camera had been stolen!
I may give gadgets a miss for a while.
Here is the update:
We begin tonight in the Baldwin household where Mike has been reading the Financial Times, in which there is an article about what makes a successful business. He makes some sarcastic jibes about Alma refusing Roy's offer for her share of the cafe. He says that although Roy is "only half there" that shouldn't present a problem, and that she shouldn't mix business with sentiment.
Then in the cafe itself, Gail is telling Roy that it's not the end of the world, and he might like to try to buy another cafe somewhere else. This is not what Roy wants to hear. To the background tune of What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted, he tells her he has a feeling of having "come home" when he's in the cafe. She tells him he cares too much about others, and leaves himself open to be taken advantage of. He considers upping the offer. With a single voice, millions of British viewers yell at their screens "Oi....Roy....no!!"
Kevin asks Sally if they could meet up at one of the Sunday markets she will be going to, so that they can all go on somewhere afterwards for a meal or whatever. She fends him off, and he gets ratty about the whole Sunday thing, and hints at her possibly having an affair with Baldwin.
Billy meets Derek in the street, and tells him the bad news about his allotment shed being violated by vandals. Billy can't say if anything has been stolen, but says that they were "scratting around" in there. That's a new one on me. The verb to SCRAT. Anyone know it? Later in the pub, Derek reports to Mavis that a few items were indeed taken, such as his Swiss Army knife and secateurs, but his beloved wallchart, showing a forward schedule of vegiculture tasks was unmolested! Worst of all, the treacle toffees had gone. He had decided not to involve the Police.
In the Kabin, Gary is ogling the centrefold of a glossy magazine. But relax, gentle readers, he didn't have to reach it down from the top shelf. (He'd have a long search for Flesh Weekly or Weatherfield Readers Wives in that shop.) No, it's a motorbike magazine, for which he hands over one pound eighty pence, and goes away a happy man. Mavis opines that he is using motorbikes as a kind of surrogacy, to stand in for the children he lacks, which she condemns as pathetic.
Ken arrives late on parade at school, with his tie all askew, and in a general fluster. He enters the boss's office with the intention of apologising to her about the debacle when Deirdre came home unexpectedly. Sharp eyed update readers will delight in noting that is the first time I have spelled her name correctly. Until I consulted the Radio Times today, she had always been Deidre which looked somehow wrong every time I wrote it, but honest-to-goodness ignorance prevented me from correcting it. I apologise to Deirdres the world over!
Sue wants to know why Deirdre should be concerned at all. Ken fudges the reply, and Sue clearly wants to know where she stands. With our Ken at his present zenith of randiness, I'd advise her to keep moving about...not to stand still at all, as that would only serve to inflame his ardour all the more! At his age, a moving target is the last thing you are looking for. She instructs him to "sort yourself out, and don't come back until you have!"
The main scene, for those on the lookout for acting dexterity, was between Alma and Gail once again. Gail interrupts Alma, who is home alone looking terribly bored as she stares vacantly at daytime TV. We know that feeling, don't we boys and girls? In fact, it's a cookery programme with subtitles! Gail demands to know why she won't sell to Roy, to which the answer is that it would be taking advantage of him. Gail calls her arrogant and patronising. Pretty soon, Alma gives the apology which Gail has been seeking. Gail begs her to sell to Roy. A solitary tear of capitulation falls from Mrs. B's right eye.
Roy, old mate...you're on!
At the factory, the Great Blue Thread incident unfolds. Ida's work has hit a dead stop, on account of the lack of blue thread. The recieved wisdom appears to be that there is a veritable treasure trove of blue thread in the locked store room. Speculation and gossip is rife as to why this room is suddenly kept locked.
There is sexual innuendo, (the guv'nor and his Girl Sunday?) but still no blue thread. Ida takes Sally to task over the aforementioned high- security blue thread repository. Sally affirms that she is not privvy to its contents. Baldwin tells Ida it's now locked to prevent pilfering, which offends Ida all the more. But then a few monents later....there is a wider-angle shot of Baldwin's wage-slaves beavering away at their machines and......blow me down, they've all got bobbins overloaded with the elusive stuff! I personally have never seen that much blue thread in one place at one time!
Later Baldwins A and M are enjoying a drink at the bar, when Roy comes in and asks Alma why she won't sell to him. He is perplexed, and tells her so. She tells him she does, in fact, accept his offer of £35,000. He removes his woollen glove and hands are shaken in agreement. Mike is still unsatisfied with her, as he feels Roy would have increased the offer, if a little more pressure had been exerted. But there it is friends; Alma has done The Right Thing at last!
I gaze at the clock which shows 7:56 so I know this is to be the final scene. Kevin comes home after a late finish at the garage. He is still in a heightened state of rattiness. Sally has a meal in the oven, which he refuses, as he washes his hands in a lather of pique. He's off to the pub, sod the dinner. Having seen her colleague produce a single poignant tear earlier in the day, Sally reckons she'll have a crack at it. Anything that Amanda Barrie can do....... So she dissolves and tells Kevin that she has become an unwitting criminal, since she's been aiding and abbetting Baldwin to sell the dodgy counterfeit KBEC gear at the Sunday markets. She can bear the burden of guilt no more. She weeps. Kev promises to intervene, and that's how we end, really.
That's yer lot.
It has come to my attention this week, that many senior naval officers and other shipboard sea-going types are avid readers of these humble updates, so for them:
_... _ _ _ _. ..._ _ _ _ _._ _ ._ _ _. .
._ _. _.. .. ._.. _ _ _ ..._ .
_._ _ _ _ _ .._ _ ._ ._.. ._..!
Street: Curly and Sam emerge from their house in the morning. After exchanging a few words with Gary and Des about football, Curly goes to work. Des teases Sam about tonight's self-defence class that she is dragging Sean along to.
Garage: Kevin and Sally discuss what she is going to do. She will refuse to work on Sunday with Mike. Kevin is sceptical that Mike will accept that, but Sally thinks Mike cannot sack her for being honest.
Flat: Mike sets up a cash deal for Sunday. When he comes off the phone, Alma says he loves these dodgy deals, and ripping off KBEC as well. She feels bad about how she treated Gail, but Mike thinks it is a bonus that as Stephen ruined their business, they are saddling his sister, Gail, with Roy (about whom Mike is not complimentary - but I'll spare you the details.
Kabin: Ken pays for his papers; he is off to Edinburgh again this evening straight after school. Mavis displays her customary lack of tact and diplomacy. Alec calls in to check that Rita is free for lunch on Sunday.
School: Ken grovels to Mrs Jeffers - there is a staff meeting after school, and he wants to be let off to go to Scotland. She is quite rude to him, but tells him he can go.
Office: Sally informs Mike she is not prepared to do any more work on Sundays. He says only a few more weeks and the business will be saved, but she is adamant. He realises that Kevin knows what is going on, but pleads he is desperate. He says Sally will have to resign. Mike takes a phone call as Sally leaves, and she hears him promising an overdue cheque to a client. Actually, it is Alma on the other end - wondering what Mike is playing at.
Kabin: Derek, Mavis, Jim and Des discuss the allotment theft. Tonight's Public Information Message is 'Always mark your possessions with your postcode in invisible UV marker, like Jim and Bill did with their tools.' Mavis puts the theft down to kids.
Rovers: Rita and Emily comment on the crime/children situation. Emily reveals that Percy's solution is to make more prisons, for example on disused oil rigs. Sam gives Sean the chance to back out of the self-defence class, but he's determined to go. Mike sees Kevin, and accuses him of being responsible for 27 people out of a job.
Street: Alec and Rita finalise arrangements for Sunday - but she establishes that he hasn't an ulterior motive - like a proposal. It is nice to see two characters like that who can just be genuine friends. Derek is busy marking everything with his new marker pen - including his hanging baskets and even his wellies.
Factory: Mike cunningly telly Sally that Kevin will be pleased to have his wife back at home again and that Sally is doing exactly what Kevin wants.
House: Sam is preparing to go to her class. Curly remarks that Sean is mad about her, and that she is testing him by walking, self-defence etc. to see how far Sean will go for Sam. Curly bets UKP10 that Sean will give up within a week.
House: Kevin calms an upset Sally saying Mike is playing them off against each other, and why should she resign, if the business is collapsing anyway. Sally should call Mike's bluff and resign.
Hall: On the way into their class, Sam spies a poster for a sponsored parachute jump. 'You'd have to be brave to do that.....'
Rovers: Derek, Billy, Curly and Judy think the theft was down to other gardeners who knew Derek's stuff wasn't marked - but it is now. Ashley is in love, and Andy teases him by making up a Valentine's verse for Ashley to send to the object of his desire. 'My heart flies to its natural home, / That darling girl who curls with comb / And scissors clipping / To cut my heart from beef and dripping.'
House: Sam is impressed, because Sean did judo in the past, and put the instructor on the floor. He glows, as she says she likes a man of action, and he's a dark horse. He soon looks more concerned when she produces sponsor forms and announces that 4 weeks on Sunday they will be parachuting.
Rovers: Ashley probes Des about affairs of the heart. Des also has a Valentine's verse for Ashley to use: 'Roses are red, / Violets are blue, / I love you / Guess who' Ashley prefers that one. Sean tells Des he isn't doing the parachute jump, but he hasn't told Sam that. Mike and Alma are having a quiet drink when up stomps Sally - she has made her decision, and she will resign as her conscience comes first. Mike sighs, and says it is the end of the line, and the girls will be out of jobs. Sally promises not to tell anyone about the dodgy gear. Mike collars Ashley and offers him the chance to earn a few quid on Sunday.
House: Curly plays with the iron, doing his shirt. He obviously has too much time on his hands. Sam tells him that Sean really impressed her with his judo expertise, but Curly points out he was still beaten up recently.
Rovers: Sean tells Des he will have to pretend to Sam that Sean can't get any sponsors. He is determined not to do the parachute jump.
Corniest line: Sean to Sam, and later Sam to Curly: 'Never judge a bookie by his cover!'
Helen
Good morning virtual ratucers and welcome to the workings of a deranged mind. The other side of my split personality is in the driving seat today (it's a lie, don't listen to him) SHUT UP! and the fame of getting into the ratucs Rogues gallery, has rather upset him. So don't talk too loudly, just be calm and it will all blow over (I hope).
Now, without further ado, on to the dribblings.
Alec and Rita are planning for a Sunday drive today. Alec, in a romantic mood, tells Rita that he cleaned his car especially. This drives Rita insane for some reason and she marches straight over to Sally's place and drags the kids out. We're all going for a day in the country, she announces. "What a nice thought" agrees Emily who was just passing by in search of a storyline. Alec gasps helplessly as the children push large packets of crisps and half chewed biscuits into his upholstery.
Out the back of the Rover's Jack is gobsmacked when he comes into his lounge and finds a beached whale in there. It's all right though, it is just Trish practising to give birth. Jack's not much of a new man. When Vera was pregnant, he went out and got paralytic (drunk). He didn't come home till it was all over and now he wants to try the same technique again.
Actually, Jack is annoyed because Vera is not going to invite him to be her partner in the pub owners' bash which will be held at the Town Hall on the 14th. He lets rip with a few good buttering up lines, calling her his "little swanny duck" and his "bright little half moon" or some such. But it is no good, no one will be left to run the pub if both Jack and Vera go to the bash. Trish offers to run the place, but Jack seems to believe that she will instantly give birth if she is left alone, so he decides to ask Betty to look after things that night.
In the Rover's bar Derek and Mavis are debating the future of their allotment. Mavis wants Derek to get rid of it, but he can't bear to give up on his only shed. Without a shed, what is a man anyway? In the rough and tough North West of England it is recognised by mayoral decree that an Englishman's home is his wife's castle thus a humble shed is one's single sacrosanct sanctum; a safeguard against the senseless stupidity of the salariat.
Mavis is totally opposed to buying new tools if they are to be left on site, so Derek comes up with the bright idea of keeping the tools in the boot of his car, thus turning it into a shed on wheels. The thought of a shed/car combination brings a smile to Derek's careworn face.
Meanwhile Sean is trying to wiggle his way out of the sponsored parachute jump. He has made a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel. In essence, it involves Des and him swearing black and blue to Sam that he tried and tried but could get no sponsorship. So, there is no point in his jumping.
But Des has cooked up a scheme to scuttle his barge. He offers to sponsor Sean himself. Also, he has rung 'round all of Sean's shops and it seems that everyone who works for Sean is prepared to pay good money to have him pushed out of a 'plane. Sean protests that he doesn't want to take advantage, but it is too late. He either has to jump with Sam or give up all hope of jumping on her. In my humble opinion (IMHO for all you VAAs (Virtual Acronym Aficionados)) he has about as much chance with Sam as I do. He might as well give up now. Just then Mavis and Derek come over and offer Sean another £5 to jump.
Derek would rather have spend the money on gardening tools. Over the other side of the room Ann Capone is waiting in ambush for Curly. When he comes in she asks, so very sweetly, why he is in the pub half an hour before his knocking off time. "It's been a quiet day" says Curly. Ann threatens to tell Firman all about this breach of discipline unless Curly comes 'round to her place tonight in a rubber batman suit with the crotch cut out. "Can't we just be friends?" asks Curly. Ann replies that all friends must obey her unconditionally. Then she cracks her heels together and marches out.
Mike Baldwin has roped Ashley into helping him push his tat around the markets today. When he arrived in the morning to pick Ashley up, Don warned him (Ashley) to steer clear of Mike. But a few well turned sarcastic remarks soon saw Don off. Mike spent the entire day telling Ashley what a great business man he is and even tries to cheat him out of £5 to prove it.
Later Sally corners Mike in the pub and demands to know if Ashley knows that he is flogging illegal goods. "What he don't know won't hurt him" says Mike. And anyway, I've got the other women in the factory to think of. It's all right for you, even if you lose your job, Kevin can still support you. Sally is relieved in her mind to hear how much Mike is doing for the other women in the factory and goes home mollified. (Am I the only one to wonder why Mike is selling pirate merchandise? Why doesn't he just flog the sports gear with a different logo or something. Is KBEC so popular that the sight of its logo causes customers to part with their money instantly?)
In another part of town, Ken knocks on Attilla the Hen's door. He is just on his way back from Scotland, and by chance, her house was exactly in the way. She asks him in and wants to get straight down to business, but she has to keep herself under control while Ken bleats on about how much money it costs him to see Daniel, and how Daniel doesn't like him anyway because he is boring. (Also there is nothing to do in Scotland unless one happens to enjoy eating deep fried creme eggs. This is the real reason why Kelly wanted to go there).
"I don't want to lose Daniel, but I don't know what to do" agonises Ken. (The rest of the country is in an agony of suspense over it as well Ken. Questions are being asked in parliament, believe you me). Ken is depressed to realise that Daniel is far better off with a psychopathic deformed, deranged hairdresser and a scottish accountant than with him. By happy chance Sue has the Universal Remedy (tm) on hand. What you need is a good shag, she says. For the sake of the mental health of the nation, we do not witness Ken's response to this romantic overture.
It's time for Fraser Henderson to let us know what sort of man he is. He does this in the most economical way, by showing us that he owns a BMW. It is well known that all toerags drive german cars. For the sake of non-UK readers, I should explain that there are two types of toerags. The good old fashioned honest and bluff "I'm a toerag and I don't care who knows it" type who drive BMWs and the more devious kind who are still toerags, but have social pretensions and drive Mercedes.
That evening, Fraser goes to the Hourglass. "What do you want?" asks Liz. Fraser has been taking surly pills in preparation for this meeting. "I don't have to tell you what I want, and you shouldn't have to ask" he threatens. By the time I had figured out what this means, they had cracked open the champagne to celebrate his release from incarceration. (Jerry, ever the suave sophisticated type forgoes his champagne for a lager).
another Kevin
In Corro Veritas
Not Very Subtle Chocolate Advertising Refrain
A chocolate pussy-cat attacks a chocolate bird by jumping on a chimney, causing the whole shakey chocolate contraption to wobble dangerously. This episode is apparently sponsored by Cadbury's Roses - how thrilling to know.
Ken/Emily/Alec
Well, it's official. Monday's are "CRAP DAY" for Coronation Street - no slanging matches, no daring lapel jewellery, no slurring from Don. And hardly any plot development. To prove the point, take Ken who's returned from another trip to Scotland to visit the "wee bairn" as Daniel is now being referred to (surely this is some sort of punishment on Ken for the years those twins were abandonded in the Outer Hebrides). Emily is taking in Ken's milk for him, and the pair exchange a few embittered words - Emily hoping that there might still be hope for the Nation's most boring couple.
It turns out that although Deirdre told Emily about the breakup - she did not mention that it was due to Ken's improbable and unpleasant tyrst with the headmistress. When Ken finds this out, for some reason he brightens, thinking that there still may be hope. Alec informs him that he received a postcard from El Drear and she is due back any minute. Ken starts thinking of a plan of action.
Sally/Mike/Ashley
Now that Sally is not working for Mike anymore, Mike is having to rely on the only person in the street who has blonder hair - Ashley. "It's great working for Mr Baldwin," muses Ashley. "Everything's great!" But Sally doesn't think so and warrrrrerrns him that what he's doing could be construed as dodgy. "Don't tell Baldwin I told you this," Sally simpers. "I haven't said a word."
So trusting Ashley trounces straight to Mike and tells him he can't work on Sunday because he's "tidying his room" (!!). "Did Sally say something to you?" quizzes Mike. And poor Ashley breaks down under the pressure, mumbling "She never said anything to me, even if she did," or something equally damning.
Mike rushes to confront Sally, and the pair have a tense battle of morals, which results in a stalemate - but at least we get to see Sally gape her mouth open in shock.
Alec/Jack/Vera/Betty
Vera does not want to go to some "do" by herself because she'll be the only one without an escort, and open to all sorts of predatory types. Unfortunately she is unable to get Betty to stand in for Jack on Friday nights, as Friday is the night that Betty and Billy remove the mold from their jazcuzzi. However, Betty might be persuaded....
Jack is furious and wishes he could get rid of Betty - Alec tells him that Betty always bounces back and the only thing that she understands is insults. And I don't think I need to tell you the rest of this storyline because it is so predictable that I felt like I'd been insulted just by having to watch the outcome. Needless to say, it's back to Square One for the Duckworths yet again.
Curly/Ann/Firman
Curly bursts into a broom cupboard to find Ann holding a secret meeting with all the other female members of Firmans. Upon seeing Curly, everyone bursts out laughing, and when Curly closes the door behind them he hears Ann intone "Sexual Harrassment. No means No! OK??!!!" Curly complains to Firman about being excluded, but Firman puts him in his place and tells him there's nothing that he can do. Curly seethes and complains about it to Samantha, who is glad of the airtime, despite the fact that these days she is so orange that she could get a job as a motorway cone.
Fiona/Boyfriend of Fiona/Liz
Liz is having her perm refrizzed at the salon (that place should be closed down for crimes against hair) and she's literally bursting to tell her best friend Fiona all her latest news and secrets i.e. - how she's being stalked by Mr Big who is now on the "outside". However, Fiona shakes her Medusa wig and says that she might be able to help.
Cut to the Rovers and Fiona's Dead-Shark-Eyes boyfriend is giving the pair the "lowdown" on Fraser Henderson. "He holds nice parties," says the boyfriend. "We all got a piece of stottie wrapped in kleenex." Liz looks doubtful. "He's harmless enough," the boyfriend continues. "You have my blessing." So Liz frolics off on her date. "Was that the whole truth?" grimaces Fiona. "No," says Dead-Shark-Eyes. "He knows plenty of people who are nasty criminals. But while Liz McDonald is with him, the boys at the police station can keep tabs on him." Fiona realises that Liz is a pawn in a game, and looks sulky. Credits.
Awards
Best pronunciation. Although it was "bringing coals to Newcastle", Roy presents Gail and Percy with a funny Italian cake (tiramisu) that they've never seen before. "Would you like a piece of Tara My Sue," Gail asks Percy, who wolfs it down and asks for some more.
Number of times Liz said "Nurrr!" - 32.
Paul
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope you've had a good week.
I was interested to hear the news report a few days ago about the round- the-world solo yachtsman who performed surgery on himself while at sea, using instructions which were constantly being faxed to him from a surgeon on shore somewhere.
If only he'd had a laptop computer and an modem uplink, he could have visited my WWW site called NIGEL'S ONLINE CYBER-SURGERY HOME PAGE. I could have talked him through whatever he wanted to do! It's a brilliant site, if I say so myself, with plenty of links to surgical reference works, and specialist medical departments all over the world. I have a little counter which clicks every time someone accesses the site and uses the facility. Since last November, 1,143 people have benefitted from it, many of whom are still alive!
When you get there, you have to click on different icons. Depending on where you click, (according to the level of pain you're in, where it hurts, other symptoms, etc) you will get pre-recorded soundbites of me telling you where to make the first cut. From there on, it's child's play! There is a little screen in the top corner, where I appear, holding up the relevant piece of equipment for each surgical task, and carefully talking you through each easy step. It's a good idea to keep to the right tools, but in an emergency, I can always suggest some practical compromises. For example, on Monday a woman called up the site and successfully, (without any prior medical knowledge except having read Nigel Worsfold's Handy Encyclopaedia of Home Surgery) she excised her mother's varicose veins using only a Stanley knife and a pizza cutter! It really is as easy as that! She Emailed me yesterday to thank me, and said that she found it so easy, she's thinking of performing a vasectomy on her husband at the weekend! I said "Fine, but make sure you have a fresh blade in the Stanley knife!" Otherwise.....go for it!!
I have a fully interactive database of 122 surgical procedures you can try at home. You can operate WHERE and WHEN it suits you.
My site is growing in popularity in Eastern European Cyber Cafes, in those countries where the hospital waiting list is awfully long, and the eventual outcome cannot be relied upon! There was, unfortunately a bit of a fracas in a cybercafe in Lodz (Poland) last week when another patron objected to a woman delivering her own baby by caesarean section while following my instructions, and the Police had to be called.
I suppose I see it as a public service, really. It saves you the bother of having to leave your home, buy a new nightdress to wear in hospital and all that beastly anaesthetic!
Here is the update:
The opening shot is a left to right pan, following a set of unidentified male legs in a dark overcoat. Just as the camera slowly moves upwards, and our curiosity is about to be satisfied, we cut away to the first scene, and the mystery extra is never to be identified.
It's morning in the back room at the pub and Tricia, even greater with child, (but not for much longer) is bellowing up the stairs at Jamie, who on Friday will become her eldest. The topic of discussion at the table is the falling out between Jack and Betty, where hurtful things had been said on the spur of the momemnt. The staff shortage, looming up on Friday is still bothering Vera. Trisha says she will look after the place, so that the Duckies can go out. Vera rejects the notion, but Jack's in favour.
As Mike Baldwin knots his tie, ready to fend off his business problems for another day, he tells Alma she should get herself pampered at a beauty salon, to help her relax. She says he should be thinking in terms of apologising to Sally. He hints that he might follow her suggestion, and leaves for work. This coincides nicely with Sally's comment (brought on by ironing with a cold iron, no doubt) that she had been disloyal to Mike. Sure enough, later in the pub, he approaches Sally, who is there with hubby. It's forgive and forget time, as he offers to buy her a conciliatory drink, which she accepts, against the advice of Kev.
Now if anyone's about to have a nipper, it's Sally! She has PRETTY SOON, I'LL BE MISSING FOR A WHILE written all over her. They can't cover up her growing bump for much longer!
With the approach of Valentines Day, love is in the air down Coronation Street. Becky and her oppo, Lauren, are watching Ashley making a meat delivery to the pub. Becky has his Valentine card in her hand. Something tells me it is destined to be unrequited love! Ashley, for his part, calls at the Kabin and parts with nearly 5 quid on a lavish card, but it's not for young Becky!
At the cafe, Roy wants to pencil in a meeting to discuss some changes, which eventually turn out to be solely the provision of fresh flowers on the tables. I must say I was expecting more, Roy. Possibly themed black and white pictures on the walls, that sort of thing? Maybe a staff uniform? I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and hoped there would be more radical changes at a later date. Still in the cafe, Vera asks Billy to put in a favourable word to try to tempt Betty back behind the bar. Billy isn't inclined to make any rash promises, but he'll do what he can. Later Billy is in a position to report that he has been successful, for which Vera rewards him with a drink on the house. Wisely, not wanting to look a gift-landlady in the face, he plumps for a double brandy. Vera's visage is a picture!
Fiona is in the pub with Alan, and she wants to be allowed to tell Liz the full picture with regard to Fraser Henderson, particularly the fact that he's married. She accuses him of keeping this important info away from Liz to aid his own career, and hopefully to nick Fraser one of these days. Alan tells her she'll just have to keep her pretty little mouth shut, or they must simply go their separate ways. By now, she really should have got the message that his order of priorities in life are:
1) The job
2) The job
3) Fiona
The strongest scenes of the episode are between the newly returned Deirdre and Ken. He's really pleased to open the door and find her there, and soon gets to begging for another chance to make a go of things.
"How was London?" "Big" she replies. Not much escapes that girl!
He feels lousy about what's happened, but she (quite rightly) won't let him off the hook about bedding the boss. Deirdre says it's too late for reconciliation.
Anne and Curly have set aside the cut and thrust of frozen food marketing to have a bit of a barney. He raises his voice! He's fed up with her "ridiculous insinuations". I do wish members of the cast would refrain from using these long words which I invariably have to look up in order to quote accurately. The real problem is that I only have the aid of 85 percent of the Collins Paperback Dictionary here in the study. The book fell apart in 1979 and now I have only the section which goes from J to Z. The other part, A to I, was used under one of the legs of the dining room table for several years to even it up, much to the amusement of dinner guests. I therefore dread Street characters using clever words starting with anything which comes before I in the alphabet!
Anyway, he tells her how deeply unhappy he's been since the departure of his wife, and she regards him with something which to my untrained eye looked like tenderness. With my unenviable track record vis-a-vis feminine psychology, she was probably thinking how best she could murder him horribly and get away scot-free!
Later they are called into Eric's office to account for their behaviour. Eric seems to suspect that Curly has been up to no good, and Anne does nothing to disabuse him of this opinion. Curly tells Eric she is "off her trolley". This is an apt supermarket insult. He could quite legitimately have said she was a "basket case". Later still, she comes over all nice and sweet and apologetic. She invites Curly for a drink, and places a gentle kiss on his cheek. Talking it over with Samantha that evening, he is advised not to trust Anne.
At this time, Sean arrives to collect Samantha to take her out for their evening at the dog track. He has brought with him the most pathetic, sad-looking bunch of flowers you've ever seen. If a bloke were to give me such a measly sprig of faded freesias, I'd tell him where to poke them! Well, alright, I know it wouldn't be all that likely in the first place, but you know what I mean. Samantha has no such qualms. Clearly the old maxim that "size isn't everything" extends to bunches of flowers in her eyes, and she asks Curly to put them in some water. They'd be lost if placed in a laboratory test tube!
Gail and her new partner come to the pub for a drink. Roy has replaced his ever-present shopping bag with an important-looking leather document case. Here is a man who will not stop at flowers on tables as the only change at the cafe, mark my words! My guess is a change of name within the fortnight. You heard it here first, boys and girls!
We are then treated to Round Two in the Deirdre vs Ken title bout. She leads off by accusing Ken of using Sue Jeffers as sexual therapy, and he couters with the assertion that it would be madness to chuck away their chance of happiness. Deirdre needs to move on, she tells him. Ken finally drops his guard, spits out the gumshield and says he will do anything if she will make a fresh start with him. He is prepared to give up his job, sell the house, all in all to throw in the towel. She's not buying this, and storms off.
She bumps into Sean in the street outside. He and Samantha have had a pleasant evening, but she declines his offer of continuing it at his place. He patiently says he hopes he won't have to wait too long. She rewards his chivalry and restraint with a goodnight peck, which fell far short of what he was hoping for!
Deidre, having declined Sean's offer of a lift home, melts into the Weatherfield night, with bitter tears of emotional confusion and turmoil mucking up her Max Factor!
That's yer lot.
Good night and I love you all!
Nigel
A Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers (if a little belated now) and I hope yours was better than mine. Non-UK viewers will not see the Cadbury's sponsorship enveloping our programme, but Cadbury's ran a competition for Valentine's day, and the lucky winners were Ann and John. Their prize was for a couple of red heart-shaped balloons, bearing their names, to float up over the chocolate ads. I hope it made them very happy.
The episode opens in the street, and an unknown couple have a big kiss, and he gives her a bunch of saggy red carnations. (Perhaps it was Ann and John) They may serve to remind those of you viewing in foreign parts that when this was broadcast here it was a 'themed day' episode. Ashley is watching Becky's house like a hawk. Curly leaves his house in a bad mood as Anne didn't turn up to pick him up as she promised. He has to ask Derek to take him, which Derek happily agrees to, but Mavis comes out and witters on about Derek's dental appointment, much to Curly's frustration. [Note to 'anoraks': Derek clearly says he's going to Macclesfield tomorrow, on business, implying it is Thursday, but everyone has got their Valentine cards, so it should be Friday. See also Eric later in episode.] Ashley collars Becky and asks to see her homework in order to compare her writing with that on the card he has received. He shows her the card, which says 'Roses are Red, / Violets are blue, / I love you / Guess who? and 17 xs in an upside down triangle shape. Becky calmly shows him an essay entitled Civil War, all about King Charles I and the arguments he had with Parliament about taxes, which led to the battle at Edgehill in 1642. (Becky can't spell Parliment or surrended) Ashley is too dim to remember that Des suggested the same verse to Ashley only last week, or to think that Becky may have got Lauren to write the card for her, which she has. He goes off to the hairdressers.
Rovers: Tricia parades her very large bump around, and Jack moans to Vera about the Valentine card she has received - 'Roses are red, / Violets are blue, / I'm a licensee / So are you' Tricia says it is a good tactic of him to pretend Vera has a fancy man, and Jack smiles wanly.
Firman's: Curly has to apologise to an angry Eric for missing the 8:30 meeting. Eric gives the impression it is Thursday. (I don't know, I wouldn't be the only one to think Weatherfield is in a time-warp).
Hair salon: Fiona has a single red rose. Max has a padded card bearing the verse 'Roses are red, / Buttercups are yella' / Say the word / And I'm your fella' ' (Honestly, how many of these corny verses do they think we can take?) Maxine thinks it was a sweet gesture from Ashley.
Firman's: Anne apologises to Curly for not collecting him, but her car broke down. Curly is very hostile, and doesn't believe her, he storms off, followed by Anne who is upset that he accuses her of lying, and wants to know the reason. He says she wants to drop him in it with Eric. They are both shouting, he wants her to go away. She chases him. He grabs her arms - her hands caress the lapels of his jacket as she screeches that Curly doesn't really want her to leave him alone. He shouts she's 'mad, bad and dangerous to know' and shakes her by the arms, while threatening that he too could be very dangerous. From the door of the gents, Eric is watching incredulously. Suddenly he steps forward, saying he's seen enough. Anne sobs. Eric tells Curly he's sacked as from now. Suddenly, after only 7 3/4 mins, we get the break. A game of two unequal halves, then. Ann and John's balloons drift gently up before and after.
Rovers: Vera is getting ready for the Licensed Victuallers' do. Tricia fusses excitedly round, while Jack describes her attire as like Diamond Lil the Madam from Miami. Vera is wearing a black beaded top, black jewellery, a pink headscarf and blue rollers. Jack then upsets Vera with an ill-judged remark, and Vera says 'Right, that's it you're not going now' but Jack thought he wasn't going anyway. Just then Betty comes in, bringing the tuxedo that Vera had hired for Jack as her Valentine to him. Jack is touched, and kisses Vera.
Hairdressers: Ashley manages to invite Maxine for a drink in the Rovers. when he leaves (with a cheery 'ciao!' ) Fiona wonders why Maxine bothers. She says it's like having a big friendly puppy around.
House: Sam senses Curly is in a bad mood. He confesses he has been sacked. (Note to the men from my husband: Look at Sam's very short leather skirt) She immediately knows that Anne is behind it and invites him to tell her all about it.
Rovers: Jack and Vera go out, leaving Trish and Betty.
Hourglass: A guest appearance from Duggie Brown as the owner of Liz's bar. He is generally a bit of a smarmy character and caresses her scrawny neck and shoulder while he talks to her. He is there for a business meeting.
House: Sam and Curly sit on the sofa with a beer each as Curly mournfully concludes he has lost the fight - as even if he were cleared, the mud would stick. He reckons Anne dropped him right in it with Eric, deliberately. Sam says it is certain that if you don't even put up a fight you will lose.
Hourglass: Liz is screeching like an old fishwife at some customers where Fraser and his 'oppo come in. She seems surprised to see them.
Rovers: Emily is concerned for Tricia's health, and Trish says she can't get comfortable anyway - 'you know how it is'. Emily's face says plainly that no, she doesn't. Fiona and Maxine make Ashley do one of those quizzes from a magazine to discover how devoted your man is to you. Tricia goes off to have a sit down. Rita chats to Alec, who seems in a good mood. Deirdre chats with Emily about where she is going to live, as it will definitely not be at Ken's. Deirdre was thinking of asking Alma about the cafe flat - but Emily fills her in about Roy buying Alma out and planning to live in the cafe flat. Deirdre's neck veins bulge. Maxine gives Ashley the verdict - he's a doormat. Suddenly RJamie rushes out to get Betty - his mum's having the baby. Alec grudgingly agrees to mind the bar. Mavis and Rita cluck about how premature it is.
Hourglass: (Note barmen juggling bottles) Fraser asks Liz out after work. Liz's boss comes over - it turns out Fraser was the business contact he was meeting. He holds her hand again.
Rovers: Betty flaps, Tricia thinks there's plenty of time to get to hospital. Jamie wants to call an ambulance
Hourglass: Liz is shocked when her boss orders champagne to celebrate selling the Hourglass to Fraser Henderson.
Street / Rovers: Jack and Vera roll out of a taxi. She seems about to throw up. Alec and Billy are clearing up in the bar, and Jack is fuming when he sees Alec - but not for long as Alec and Billy manage to get out the news that Tricia had her baby - a boy - in the pub, Betty was the midwife, but now the ambulance has taken them to hospital, to an incubator since it was premature. Jack and Vera decide they will go to see them in the morning. Jack thanks Alec for holding the fort.
The end. Sorry about the length! Helen.
Extract from Don's diary
I'd put money on it I would. It's pretty clear what 'as 'appened. That baby of Trish's isn't premature, it's just not Terry Duckworth's. Oh she can go on about it being early, about how worried she is it won't live and all; but let's face it; she had one up the spout five weeks before she even met Terry. It's all so she can con money out of Jack and Vera. I'm surprised they can't see it themselves.
Extract from Sam's diary
Sean paid Des back for teasing him about the sponsored parachute jump today. He filled Des's name in on a blank sponsorship form, Now Des has a few people paying him to jump, but I don't suppose he will do it. I had a sneaking suspicion that Sean didn't want to jump himself, and today Des admitted that he had only got him sponsors to make it impossible for him to back out. So there is something of a feud brewing. It's naughty I know, but still, I do so enjoy getting men into tight situations and watching them squirm. Men and their big egos.
In fact the only man I get on with is Curly (if I stretch the gender definition enough to include him). He doesn't have an ego, not one you'd notice anyway. And he certainly knows how to get himself into a right mess, without my having to do anything. He was in the Rover's at dinner laying all of his troubles at Ken's door, when little Miss lemon comes in.
"Oh Curly", she says, "I'm so sorry about what happened. I will put it right". Curly, with some justification, is a bit annoyed with her, "Stay away from me Ann", he says. Well, I ask you. Any rational person would have played along with her until she had admitted to Firman that the allegations were all a pack of lies. But no, I suppose he thinks he has too much integrity, whatever that is. But would you believe it? Miss lemon turns around to me and says "See what you've done to him. He was all right till you batted your eyelids at him and seduced him". Listen sweety, you might think he is a super stud, but we are not all blind.
And what about that Vera Duckworth and her foghorn of a mouth? How she lives with herself I'll never know. First she goes around telling all of us how the baby won't live, and then it's all sweetness and light when she's with Trish. But Jamie had heard her telling Sally (who has the sharpest nose for babies in the street) that it won't live. Later on, she goes and says, "No need to name it now, best to wait and see". Wait and see what eh Vera? Now she's got Trish all worked up. The doctors won't tell her anything, Trish says, because they think she is feeble minded. Not surprising really. Straight away she says she might commit suicide if it wasn't for Jamie. Poor little baby, the Duckworth's for grandparents, her for a mother - what chance does it have in life?
Extract from Fiona's diary
Alan might think he is being so clever, but he doesn't fool me for an instant. He actually turned up on time for lunch today. That's a big improvement, he's made it to 50% of our dates this week. I told him what Liz had told me, how Henderson has supposedly bought "The Hourglass" as a centre for his business deals.
"I'd better have a talk with her" he says and his little copper eyes lit up with the thought of the chase. Oh he tried to throw me off with his pretence at being hurt at how I'd forgotten it was at the hourglass that we had started seeing each other, I could see what he was up to. Now I come to think of it, the night he was at that pub was also the night Henderson's goons started hassling Liz. Was Alan really in the pub to see me, or was he keeping an eye on Jerry? He is such a creep sometimes.
Anyway, Henderson had run Liz over from work. The first thing Alan does is to peek at him out the window, just like in those old gangster movies. Then he spins her some yarn about how dangerous Henderson is, "Not to you, Liz, but Steve is still in prison, still vulnerable". So he gets her all scared and gives her his card. "Call me any time, tell me what Henderson is up to" he says. Well, great one Alan. How much danger is Steve going to be in when Henderson finds out his mother has been passing on information about him to you?
Extract from Sue's diary
The conference was so boring, so very boring. I left early so I could spend more time with Ken. Oh I know it's silly, but I think about him all the time. What would it be like if we came into the assembly tomorrow holding hands, and I'd say "Look at how lovely Mr Barlow is", then give him a kiss in front of the whole school and announce the first hymn?
Ken makes me feel like a young girl again. When my husband left I believed no one would ever care for me, but now I am glad he left. What Ken and I have is beautiful, just beautiful. And all the better for having first seen what dross our old relationships were. I can be myself with Ken. Outside it is all Mrs Jeffers, and Mr Barlow, but when I am with him it is Ken and Sue, real people with real lives. Oh Ken, you're the man I've been waiting all my life for. I can't wait to have you to myself again tomorrow night.
another Kevin
Corro Sibi Praemium
Paul is away this week, so I'm doing this update for him, and he will reciprocate in 2 weeks time when I am on my holidays.
Rovers: Vera fusses over Jamie getting him ready for school. Jack hints to Vera that he has doubts about the baby's parentage.
Cafe: Roy has sponsored Des for the parachute jump, but Des is adamant that he won't be doing it. Gail approaches Roy saying that the 'more experienced partner' should take all the responsibility. Roy agrees, and Gail is surprised and pleased. Methinks we haven't heard the last of this. Jamie is playing the fruit machine instead of being at school.
Hourglass: Fraser is there, but tells Liz to carry on as usual. He says she will be getting a pay rise.
Rovers: Alec and Rita go in for a drink. Joyce collars Alec to ask for her cleaning job back. (He sounds thick with cold, poor lamb.) He refuses Joyce's request. Des tells Sean that Claire is worried about his safety so he's promised not to parachute jump. Vera gives Don the sharp edge of her tongue when she realises it was him telling Jack it wasn't Terry's baby.
Hospital: Jack and Tricia contemplate the baby, she tells him about a previous pregnancy, she thought about having an abortion but couldn't go through with it. Two weeks later she miscarried, now she thinks maybe she isn't fit to be a mum. she has a cry on Jack's shoulder. One nurse chats quietly to Tricia about the baby while Martin reassures Jack that the baby really was premature, and that the incubator and monitors are nothing to worry about. The sister gives the baby to a delighted Tricia to hold.
House: Gary watched telly, oblivious, while Judy and Joyce argue bitterly over Joyce taking advantage of Alec. 'And I want to be a grandmother too' Joyce tosses into the argument.
Rovers: Tricia is back for a few house to see Jamie. She is very happy, and Jack beams as he tells Vera that he held the baby as well. Judy (SPOILER prophetically) moans to Sam that sometimes she wishes Joyce wasn't always around. Sam buys a bottle of red wine to take home. Ashley has given Maxine a chicken but hasn't invited him round to share it - Don is suitably pessimistic. Gail cheerfully tells Martin that Roy has agreed to her having a 60% share of the cafe and being in charge. Martin cons a free drink out of Jack in honour of the baby, Alec gets in on the act.
House: Sam has finished her bottle of wine and goes to raid Curly's supply for another. Sean hasn't had much but she's really drunk. She sits close to him. He looks puzzled.
Flat: Maxine prods the chicken carcass which she and Fiona are supposed to be cooking. Fiona calls Alan, but he's working. He says he will call round later.
A Dark Street: A Ford mondeo is parked and we see Liz ('Do I dress tarty?') McDonald in a micro skirt walk up to it, tap on the window and get in. A change of career, perhaps. No, it is Alan, and they have arranged to meet at Liz's request.
House: Sam is really drunk, but Sean seems uncomfortable. They kiss, but he's concerned when she tries to vacuum his face off. he is gobsmacked when she suggests they go upstairs. He feels manipulated, that she has planned it, and insulted that she has to get drunk to go through with it. He doesn't want her to do it just to make him happy, if so, she has written him off just like her husband and all the others wanting to use her. He decides to leave, she asks him not to, he goes anyway.
Car: Liz confesses that she was frightened about what Alan told her, and was planning to resign, but now Fraser told her she had a pay rise she feels trapped. She asks Alan if he could get Steve moved to an open prison away from Fraser's influence. he says perhaps, if Liz could help the police by giving them information about Fraser's meetings and plans. They think he is arranging something big. Liz will go along with it as it is for her son.
Best line: Maxine (prodding the chicken) 'Did Ashley leave any instructions with it? How can you tell if it's still got its bits inside?'
Helen
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope it's been a wonderful week for you.
Wasn't it Rabbi Burns who reminded us that "the best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agly...already" ? This gaelic mumbo-jumbo means that when you plan something, there's every chance it'll all go pear-shaped. Why couldn't auld Rab have said that? I had a best-laid plan with which to surprise and delight Maggie for Valentine's Day this week, but it all went t*ts up! I had booked and paid for three nights and days in an exclusive health farm, but she fell ill with the 'flu, and couldn't go. Not wishing to waste the ticket, I reluctantly agreed to go in her place!
We were greeted on the first morning by a blond Scandinavian person, whose speech was very musical, but bore no resemblance to any English I recognised. The really fascinating thing about this creature, GUMMI, was that I am still totally undecided about his/her gender. Be she male or female, flaxen of hair, flawless of complexion, clad in starched white tunic and holding a murderous looking clipboard, I was terrified of Gummi!
With me for the three day stay were five women, in varying degrees of enormity and a recently retired funeral director from Southampton who confided to me that he was there on account of his "cellulose". His name was Malcolm, and I tried tactfully to suggest he meant cellulite, at which he became unexpectedly agitated, changed the subject and started talking about wallpaper paste, and how most of the women there would present great difficulties to funeral operatives at some time in the future. It was clear to Malcolm and I that these women were old hands at the health farm lark and the (spectacularly unsuccessful) pursuit of personal loveliness in general. Between them, they had spent enough on face-lifts, tummy-tucks, liposuction, boob jobs, nose jobs and duff cosmetics to purchase a medium sized South American country outright!
Anyway we palled-up, being the only lads; he became my soul-mate, or rather my cell-mate as the regime there was very strict. The food would have just kept an anorexic gerbil this side of the shadowy veil. It was mostly carrots, sliced and carved to look like flowers, and various seaweeds.
Gummi was very strict about banned food and drinks being smuggled into the place and we were actually frisked on arrival, in this connection! Seeing the way things were going during the searches, Malcolm discreetly let a German Sausage fall from his trouser-leg, I poured a half bottle of Frascati into a nearby pot-plant, and one of the women received a very strong (but totally unintelligible) lecture from Gummi when a can of Dr Pepper and two Mars bars were extracted from her cleavage. This contraband scram was ritually destroyed in front of us. We all felt terribly guilty, in a vicarious way. It was but a foretaste of what was to come.
With your permission, I shall continue this tale next week, as Coronation Street updating is my raison d'etre hereabouts.
Here is the update:
After a minor opening scene where Tricia, Vera and Joyce are in the back room of the pub saying that Judy is still no nearer a confinement, we cut to the somewhat bizarre spectacle of Don having his hair washed by Maxine in the salon. He appears to be enjoying it. Ashley arrives and asks Maxine out to the pictures, which she declines. Don gets off the chair and on to his high horse, and starts to tell Maxine off about refusing Ashley's offer, as if it's any business of his. "All you hairdressers are the same" he wails, also making mention of Denise leading him on. He storms out in mid-shampoo. I think we've all been there, boys and girls, haven't we? Later Maxine tells Ashley to keep Don at bay, and off her back. She doesn't appreciate him poking his nose in, and tells Ashley that even if she had any thoughts of going out with him, she certainly wouldn't now! She says Don's a cycle path!
If you're anything like me, you do some of your best thinking when you're cutting your toenails. So it is with unemployed N Watts Esq when he is moaning to Samantha about the current jobs market. They progress to the subject of her relationship with Sean. Blissfully unmoved by his podiatric machinations, she tells him how things stand, which is none too rosy! She tells him about being briefly married, and how things didn't go according to the groom's plans in the bedroom department. I refer here, to use the unspeakable vernacular to....NOOKIE. Ugh! It had all been a huge mistake. She declares she's not normal, and alludes to sexual relationships which predated her nuptial disaster.
Sean appears at the door, and she sends him away. She tells Curly about getting drunk the other night and throwing herself at Sean, and how he got all noble and left her to stew. Curly still doesn't seem to be reading between the lines here does he? He confesses to a certain amount of embarrassment. My guess is he hasn't known too many lesbians before! I could be wrong.....wouldn't be the first time! Later, on Des's advice, Sean appears on the doorstep for a second time. This time, Samantha is alone. He is invited in. They have a little talk about the nature of their relationship, and whether he'd settle for half a loaf. (!) She says she wants to be normal, (take it from me, Sam darling...tried it....hated it!) and he askes her if they can have "another crack at it". I shuddered at this veritable gutter-talk! Could he not have couched his lustful intentions in more lyrical and romantic terms?
In the cafe, Roy is lovingly placing a vase of flowers on a table, in line with his plans for tarting-up the gaff. Gail spells out what he had failed to grasp last week, ie that she wants to become the major shareholder by buying part of his holding. It is then that the misunderstanding comes to light. She thought he had agreed to her making all the important business decisions because she was the senior partner, but he thought that honour was being conferred on him because HE was the senior, in terms of catering experience in the hotel world. Anyway, he assures her that he has no intention of pulling rank at any future time. It is only a matter of moments before he does so, however, as the man from Broadway Bakeries arrives, and Roy handles the meeting. Gail silently pulls one of her faces. The rug of patisserie-buying has been pulled from beneath her!
The one character who delivered all of his lines through smiling lips tonight was none other than Fraser Henderson. (Of all the bars in all the towns.....) He is looking very satisfied with life on the outside as he asks Liz what became of the £1000 he gave her while he was incarcerated. She tells him it's in the Building Society, and she has every intention of giving it back. He won't hear of this idea, and tells her he will replace the 1000 quid with a more suitable gift, which she WILL accept. Deirdre arrives, which affords Fraser renewed smiling opportunities as he awards her a drink and a sandwich on the house. Deirdre stares open mouthed at Liz when she learns that laughing-boy is the new guv'nor.
Later Maxine and Fiona arrive at the Hour Glass on a girls' night out. Fraser's grin scales new heights as he provides free champagne to them. Here is a man for whom smiling is more important than profits. Fiona is awfully glum at the prospect of this champagne; tainted at source, but vacuous little bimbo Maxine is having a super time!
Deirdre warns Liz about involvement with Fraser, and then has to wrestle with the realisation that Liz fancies him.
Golly!
Tony talks to Kev about having bought a new car. In my crystal balls, I see a blood-stained white fluffy jacket (which cost 40 quid from the catalogue) and right mess on those famous cobbles before the week is out!
Tricia is very up-beat and happy about the baby, and the subject of names comes up at last. Jamie reckons ERIC, and Tricia says JACK is a very popular name right now, which fills the new-made grandfather with proud anticipation. Other possibles she offers are JORDAN, DAMIAN and LIAM. Not much of a choice...a river, the anti-christ and a half-baked pop star! But then the unofficial RATUCS sweepstake result is declared, and it's........NIGEL!!! Yes, what a brilliant choice! He will carry that fine name proudly through life, as a tribute to all the great and famous Nigels who have gone before. Oh, alright, the kid's going to be called BRAD TERRY, and she won't be breastfeeding him, so she says. Seeing that the baby will not be receiving alcohol mixed with his mother's milk, Curly buys her a vodka. Bad luck, Brad!
For the final scene, we're back to the Hour Glass, where Fraser takes Liz outside to see her gift. It turns out to be a black F reg Escort car. She accepts with only token resistance. He tells her she is the sexiest woman he has ever set eyes on.....vulnerable....great legs. (I'm just thinking how long it will be before they go their separate ways!) Within moments, he has slipped into the passenger seat beside her, and they are kissing with all the passion one can reasonably be expected to muster in an F reg Escort!
My Wednesday night oscar goes to Jack. He kissed Tricia tenderly on the head, and he really looked as though he meant it!
That's yer lot.
Good night and I love you all!
Nigel
My last update for 2 weeks as I'm going on holiday. Dan and Paul will keep you informed of the Friday happenings.
Street: Becky is dispatched, grumpily, to purchase a hair highlighter kit and some shampoo for Claire. Kevin bites Emily's head off when she politely asks him a question about her car. Sally apologises to Emily, saying Kevin is in a mood because Tony has let him down.
Salon: Max is still dizzy with the excitement of champagne and Fraser Henderson, who she quite fancies. Alan is angry when he finds out that Fiona has been socialising with Mr Big.
Hourglass: Liz and Fraser are in the deserted wine bar. She is thrilled about the car. He asks 'About last night - any regrets?' I don't know what we are supposed to read into that, but she doesn't regret it anyway.
Salon Flat: Alan and Fiona argue. She says he is too much of a policeman. He just wants Fiona out of danger. She says why? Is Liz in danger then? But he also wants to know whether Fraser knows who she is, and about Alan. She didn't tell Fraser anything about him. he is relieved, and says maybe they had better cool things off - but he loves her so he can't stay away from her.
Hourglass: Liz enjoys the attention as Fraser gropes her. He thinks she is a lady, gives her a huge wad of notes and tells her to go shopping for something classy and expensive. Despite her previous reluctance to accept his money when she needed it, she has no qualms now about taking the cash.
Salon: Alan leaves, and Fiona makes stupid gestures to Maxine to indicate that he loves her. (Do I sound old and cynical?)
Car: Alan fixes up a meeting with someone - soon!
House/ Street: Joyce, obviously in a strop with Vera, stomps off to Judy's house. Vera wants her to do some extra cleaning in preparation for little Brad's homecoming. Joyce, therefore won't be able to go home to walk Scamper. Judy promises to go round to walk him.
Car: Liz gets in to Alan's car. He wants to know if she has told Fiona about their arrangement. She says she hasn't, but anyway she doesn't want to continue. Steve will be OK where he is until his parole. Alan harshly points out that he might not get parole - although it isn't up to him, but his boss may have influence. Liz threatens to report him to her solicitor, but he isn't bothered. He says she will have to co-operate and not say anything to anyone. She gets out and he drives off. Liz returns to her car in the car park where she meets Dreary, who wants to know where the car came from. Liz lamely tries to say it comes with the job. Dreary knows that Liz has been selling her sexual favours to Fraser. How? Because best friends just know - OK?
Rovers: Des stirs things for Kevin as he knows about Emily. Kevin apologises to Emily.
Salon: Claire arrives, in despair, followed by a crying Becky. She removes her towel to reveal her hair has all gone white.
House: Gary is drumming when Judy comes in wearing a new dress, she wants to know what he thinks of it. Instead of telling the truth and saying it makes her bum look big, he says COR! and chases her up the stairs.
Rovers: Joyce and Vera bicker over the cleaning. Tricia seems very happy about the baby's progress.
Street: Tony roars up to the garage in his Peugeot 205 GTI. Kevin is studiously unimpressed - especially when Tony says he has no intention of doing any work that day.
Salon: Maxine drags Des from the bookies into the salon to see Claire's hair as she is too scared to go out. It is really short all over, and white. He loves it.
House: Joyce calls in on Judy to see if she fed Scamper as well as walking him. Judy apologises, but Joyce is angry that because Gary was at home they forgot all about the dog - who would be crossing his legs by then. Joyce storms off angrily.
Hourglass: Jerry goes off on some business, leaving Liz and Fraser in the office. She shows off her new outfit to him: a loose cream blouse, waistcoat and a long skirt with sensible shoes. He says he would like it better if it were shorter, tighter and less of it. She knows that to turn him on she should wear a mini skirt and stilettos (he didn't mention stockings but I would bet he likes them as well) Liz asks him where he goes out on business, and what business, but he doesn't tell her. He knows she feels left out and promises to keep her informed. He suggests they go back to his place and leave the staff to cope with the bar. She decides to get changed first, so she peels off her blouse there and then. He locks the door and leers - but we don't see anything.
Rovers: Alan and Fiona gaze into each others' eyes. He says he meant it when he said he loved her - and why didn't she say it back. She looks very serious, then announces loudly that she does love him. Mavis remarks to Kevin that Emily was concerned for him - but he just gets more angry that everyone has been talking about him.
The Park: Down a dark path scampers Scamper, followed by Joyce. Along the road comes Tony - fiddling with the cassette deck in his car. All of a sudden, she is in the road, on the bonnet, over the roof and lying still in the road. He stops and gets out of the car, stands and looks at Joyce. The car stereo blasts out. Credits.
Helen
Here is the news from Sunday, 23rd February 1997;
And tonight's headlines:
Street reels from Joyce's death
Curly cleared of sexual harassment
Liz fails to find any stottie
Ashley gets a date with Maxine.
Street reels from Joyce's death.
The repercussions of Friday's hit and run accident in which Joyce Smedley was killed while walking Scamper were being felt in the street today. The police, unable to raise Gary and Judy, who had stayed out over night, had left a message with Curly. When Judy heard, she took it hard, in traditional soap opera fashion, and blamed herself for not walking the dog as she had promised. Tony, who left Joyce dead in the road has been tormented with guilt over it and confessed to Kevin and Sally the real reason why he didn't make it in to work today. "I don't care how many people he has run down and killed, when he says he will be in at work first thing in the morning, I expect him to turn up" Kevin is alleged to have responded.
Curly cleared of sexual harassment
Not knowing when to stop was the downfall of scheming Ann Malone at Firman's Freezers today. Seeing Samantha buying frozen food for the Rover's pub lunches proved too much for jealous Ann and, thinking herself unobserved, she slipped an extra pack of sausage rolls in Sam's bag. Unaware of this, Sam paid her bill and was just leaving when she was stopped by Ann and, in front of Mr Firman, the unpaid packet of food was pulled from her bag. Now we cross live to our Weatherfield studios for a brief interview with Mr Firman; Thank you very much Jerry. Now, Mr Firman, describe in your own words what happened next.
"Well, we were all in my office and I explained to Miss
Failsworth..."
That's Samantha?
"Yes, I explained to her that we usually don't prosecute
first time offenders and, if she admitted the crime and agreed
never to come back, we would take it no further. If she didn't
admit the crime, we would press charges. Most shoplifters, caught
red handed and offered this choice confess at once".
But Samantha didn't?
"No she didn't, which surprised me. And what surprised me even more was Miss Malone's insistence that we press charges. The only reason she could give for this was that Miss Failsworth was sharing a house with Mr Watts, Curly. Miss Malone even went so far as to assert that Mr Watts had put Miss Failsworth up to the offence."
And what alerted you to the fact that Ann was lying?
"Well, it made no sense for Miss Malone to be so jealous of Miss Failsworth if the story she had told me about Mr Watts harassing her were true. Also, at that moment we were interrupted by Miss Dickinson, another of my staff. She claimed to have seen Miss Malone put the alleged stolen goods into Miss Failsworth's bag."
What was Ann's response to that?
"She accused Miss Dickinson of lying to discredit her, and claimed that she had been going to discipline Miss Dickinson for petty pilfering. 'I suppose Mr Watt's put her up to it?' I asked.
"In the end, I decided to ask Mr Watts to come in to the store and have it out with Miss Malone there. He was very hostile at first, but that is only to be expected if he had been wrongly dismissed."
What convinced you that Ann was lying?
"When I asked her to leave my employ, she straightaway threatened me with an industrial tribunal for wrongful dismissal. Not the sort of response I would have expected if she was telling the truth. I offered her the choice, she could resign honourably, or have the whole thing raked over at a tribunal. She chose to resign, which to my mind, is conclusive evidence that she knows she was in the wrong".
But I thought you witnessed the alleged harassment of Ann by Curly yourself.
"Well, at the time I thought that is what I witnessed, but perhaps all I saw was two people having an argument. Clearly Mr Watts had lost his temper, but I imagine that anyone might lose their temper if wrongly accused of a sacking offence, as he was".
So you offered Curly his job back?
"Yes, it was the least I could do after I had doubted him and refused to believe his side of the story. I offered also offered him a raise".
Thank you Mr Firman.
Now back to you Jerry. Thank you Tom.
And in an unconfirmed report, Ann Malone is alleged to have threatened Curly and Sam in the Rover's. Witnesses described her mood as ominous as she swore to get even with them.
Liz fails to find any stottie.
In a daring dawn raid, McDonald searched Frazer's drawers at chez Henderson. However, her search was interrupted by the said Mr Henderson returned from the shower before any stottie was found. I believe you have Liz standing by in our Weatherfield studios, Tom.
Yes that is right. Now, Liz, in your own words, what were you expecting to find in Frazer's drawers.
"Well I found nurrthing of interest, I'm sorry to say".
You seem to be well in with Frazer at the moment.
"I'm doing it all for my son Steve. The fact that Frazer gives me lots of presents and time off work doesn't come into it".
I understand you saw Steve in prison today.
"Yurr. He seems to be safe, but no one has mentioned the possibility of his being moved to another prison yet."
And Steve told you that Frazer is married. What was your reaction to that?
"I asked Frazer about it straight away, and he assured me that things were over between him and his wife. I see no reason to doubt him on that point".
Thank you Liz, I wished we all shared your faith in the goodness of human nature. Now back to you Jerry.
And finally a news items in brief to close.
Ashley gets a date with Maxine
"Ash the pash" discovered that Maxine has her price tonight. After days of failing to attract her attention with dead chickens, he succeeded in getting her to agree to see him by buying two tickets to a concert by her favourite group, "Sonic Boom". Notwithstanding, Maxine confided to friends that Ashley has no chance for a long term relationship with her.
Hi, I'm Dan and I'm your host for Monday's Coronation Street Update for this week only. While Paul is away, I will be keeping you up to date with what's been happening in the street today. Brief introductions aside, and without further-a-do, here is my interpretation of the story in the latest program:
We start tonight's episode in Gary and Judy's kitchen-cum-sitting room. Gary takes a seat while Jude admits she wants to speak to her late mother to apologise for ignoring her anger about Judy not taking the dog out. If she had taken the dog earlier in the day, Joyce would not have been killed.
Meanwhile, we are taken to what I presume is Fraser Henderson's house. Liz is still in the double bed when Fraser comes in with a cup of coffee for her. He tells her to have a bath and to take her time. Gerry (Fraser's sidekick) is there to talk to him. Liz also learns that Fraser met Andy in The Hourglass last night while he looking for her.
Gary then goes into the Rovers while Jack, Vera and Betty are getting ready for opening. They all apologise for the death of Joyce. Vera says she'll go around to see Judy when Gary has to go and register the death.
Maxine and Fiona are walking along the street to the salon when Ashley Peacock comes across to speak to Maxine. She says that it would be better if Fiona cut his hair from now on. Her boyfriend, who is away drawing maps, gets very jealous. An upset Ashley walks away.
Fraser and Gerry are talking about something which sounds like some sort of "hush-hush business operations" as Liz walks in from her bath. Gerry is worried about her hearing something, but Fraser sends her off out of the way to make herself some breakfast.
Vera is talking to Judy about Joyce. Judy is saying how horrible her mother was because she just thought of herself and how she embarrassed Judy. Vera comforts her.
Fiona and Maxine are contemplating visiting Judy when Alan comes in. He has arranged to meet Liz there to talk about her spying on Fraser. They go upstairs and Liz complains to Alan about him not telling her much about Fraser Henderson, like him being married. Fiona joins them upstairs and Liz calls Alan a two-faced liar. Alan says something about him only asking her to have a few drinks with him and "It's not as if you're sleeping with him is it?" Liz is looking guilty and it is at this point that they learn about Liz sleeping with Fraser. After the break, we are still in the same scene. Liz admits she enjoys being with Fraser and she is not going to spy on him.
The Kabin women are today gossiping about the road accident involving Joyce Smedley. Emily feels sorry for the driver of the car but Mavis is saying how he must have been going too fast or not paying attention.
Liz goes into the Rovers and is looking for Andy, who hasn't come in yet. Jim is there and keeps making comments about Liz must have been out enjoying herself last night. Tricia comes back from the hospital and says Brad can come home at the end of the week. Diedre tells Ken that she is interested in the flat about the bookies.
Gary asks Jude what she thinks about looking after Scamper, but it would just remind her about her mother running into the road.
With the talk of death about, Betty is feeling worried about losing her Billy. Vera sends her home and leaves Jack in charge. Ashley is seeking advice on girlfriends from Don Brennan and he tells her all girls are trouble. Liz comes into the Rovers again and finds Andy this time. He is concerned about Fraser Henderson being her new boss and where Liz spent last night. She tells him she stayed at Diedre's. Andy is not convinced.
Judy is still crying over her dinner when Tony Horrocks comes to see the Mallets. He starts by saying how sorry he is about the death. He then says about how he couldn't help it and how Joyce just came straight out into the road. This is the first time Judy and Gary know about him being the driver. Judy tells Gary to get rid of him.
Back in the Rovers Return, Curly has joined in Don's preaching to Ashley about how all women are trouble. Jack and Vera tell Alec about Joyce being killed. Andy overhears Liz on her mobile phone. She has to go and they tell each other to act their age. Andy follows her out only to see her kissing Fraser in the car outside.
This concludes my Coronation Street update for today, but don't fear, I'll be covering for Helen and doing her Friday update this week too. So until then, it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from him.
Dan
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope it's been a good week for you.
I left you this time last week, part way through the story of my stay in the health farm, under Gummi's strict regime......
Our first full day started with a pedicure, followed by the first of our hands-on treatments, which involved Malcolm and I being plastered all over with a thick green paste, the smell of which put me in mind of one of Maggie's recent culinary catastrophes involving ginseng, peanuts and mandarin oranges. No part of our naked trembling bodies was neglected by Gummi, who talked us through what was being applied to our skin. I recognised every tenth word as being English, and I think we were being engulfed in a substance called Hello Vera!
We were abandoned for a long period to allow this stuff to cool and solidify. Malcolm claimed (somewhat optimistically in my judgement) that he could feel all manner of unspeakable toxins being absorbed by the evil-smelling goo. Half an hour later Gummi returned and unceremoniously peeled the stuff off in one go! We screamed in unison, as a satisfied leer spread across the flawless features of our flaxen- haired torturer.
After a non-food lunch, the afternoon kicked off with aqua-aerobics, followed by something called SlenderTone, where circular electrode pads were attached to our newly detoxified bodies, (the female inmates had joined us for this treatment) and an electrical current was passed through the contact pads resulting in a moderate tingling sensation. When Gummi wasn't looking, Malcolm put one of the pads down inside his swimming trunks, and my respect for him as a fellow hedonist increased beyond measure!
The second day featured mostly colonic irrigation, using essential oils and Perrier water. (Remember this was an expensive health farm, so only the best ingredients would be acceptable!) Two things I should note here on the debit side:
1) I would greatly have preferred them to use non-carbonated Perrier water.
2) I would have been far happier if Gummi had not sung songs from the Scandinavian homeland with such unseemly gusto during the process.
On the credit side, I was happily reunited with my jaw exerciser which I had given up for lost!
That night in our cell, Malcolm and I could stand the gnawing hunger no longer. We stopped crying, fashioned balaclavas from the pillow cases, and with the motto "Who Dares Eats" we made our escape through the window and down a drain pipe. Malcolm reckoned it was a two mile yomp to the nearest village. Under cover of darkness, we melted into the night like crack commandos. In the dense shrubbery near the perimeter fence, we came across Rosemary and Big Fiona, cowering in the undergrowth waiting for the searchlight beam to pass them. We teamed up with them and managed to scramble under the wire fencing. As the four of us walked down the unlit country roads, we made Colditz jokes, whistled the theme from The Great Escape and kept an ear open for Steve McQueen on his motorcycle.
After an hour on foot, we reached heaven itself! There it was.....unmistakable in the distance, but a sight for the sorest of eyes, not to mention the emptiest of stomachs......Costa's Kebab Van!
We were soon bathing in the warm and welcoming light of Costa's van. Bouyed up by his sudden intake of nutrition, Malcolm was telling Costa that he was recently retired from the Human Terminal-Destiny profession. Costa registered his admiration by silently lighting another cigarette. Gorging ourselves on the fattiest, greasiest, deadliest hot food-of-the- gods, we heard a telephone ring. It was Costa's mobile. He picked it up, still with his cigarette in his mouth, said a few words in Greek, then the broadest of grins spread across his face. He passed the phone to Malcolm. "isss for you........isss GUMMI!!"
To be continued......
Here is the update:
In the first scene we find Judy looking very sullen, and Gary is trying to lift her spirits a bit by suggesting they go out. She is saying what a wonderful and flawless woman Joyce was, and Gary remarks that she wasn't exactly Mother Teresa. If looks could kill, they'd be burying Gary too.
Alec comes to offer his condolences and to assure Judy that the unpleasant business with the stolen cash a few months ago will remain secret. Judy becomes aggressive and tells Alec Joyce's death was his fault. The convoluted logic being that if he hadn't sacked her, she wouldn't have been with the dog on that day in that spot. Later Gary brings in the real culprit, (the four legged one with the wet nose) and Judy first condemns it to the yard where it will be out of her sight, then with the next breath condemns it to death. She instructs Gary to take it to the vet to have it destroyed.
In the cafe, Jamie is kicking the gambling machine to try to revive it. Gail tries to help by switching it on, but to no avail. Roy emerges from the Gents with the news that he has removed the fuses from all the gaming machines in the cafe on moral grounds, prior to their complete removal from the premises. He reckons kids and those who can least afford it are the ones who play them most. <Do we want a cafe or a casino?> he asks. Gail is slightly miffed that she had not been consulted, but she agrees to the move, thinking it will make space for another table. But our Roy is one jump ahead. He has set his heart on a shelf! At first we think his commercial judgement has abandoned him, but oh! we of little faith! He plans to provide newspapers for the enjoyment of the patrons. Percy and Emily give their approbation. (This practice harks back to the historical origins of London coffee houses.) When Rita gets wind of his plan, she's not so thrilled about folk getting their hands on free newsprint!
Gail asks him if the juke box is next on his hit-list, but no, he approves of popular music, although he says he prefers The Crystals and the Shangri-La's to Bryan Adams and Chris de Burgh.
There is a knock on the Webster's door and the visitor is Tony's mum, looking rather splendid in a lemon-coloured suit. She tells Kev that his absentee partner has descended into a trough of gloom, and has vowed never to work at the garage again, or even to drive a car! He's devastated and has taken to his bed, Kev is informed. We all know the rumour is that Kev will be helping her out of her expensive lemon suit before long! Anyway, she says it was her money that bought Tony's partnership share originally, so would Kev care to accept her as his new 'sleeping partner' as it were. With a couple of minor reservations typical of his character, it rather looks as though he will! She promises she won't interfere with him......(!) That's a load of Horrocks for a start!
Liz arrives in the Rovers to talk to Andy and have a glass of the obligatory red wine. This time, she has surpassed even her high standards of ouch-couture. She is wearing a suit consisting of micro- short skirt and matching fur-trimmed jacket...in what material? Cotton? Denim? Tweed? Angora? Leopardskin? Wool? you're not even warm.....yes it was industrial quality black bin sacks! A kind of fetishistic latex I suppose you'd call it. Something between glossy rubber and shiny vinyl.
What a girl!!
She gets into a bit of a slanging match with her offspring when he says he's seen her and Fraser swapping saliva like it's going out of style. He ends up calling her a whore, and she wallops him.
Fiona goes to see Steve in prison, where he manages to keep his eyeballs more or less directed at her, thus ushering in a new development in his character. She tells him that Liz is shaping up as a supergrass. She's a stoolie and she about to sing like a birdie to Al the detective, just as soon as she's got some dirt on Fraser. Steve is awfully anxious, and you'd think this would be an ideal moment for his eyeballs to go walkies, but he is the very model of control. He says Fraser is a very dangerous customer.
Gary walks into the pub with the doomed mutt, where he pours a liquid 'last request' into an ashtray for it. They're on their way to the vet's and Scamper is taking that long walk to doggy destiny. (all sing with me....But if dogs have a heaven...there's one thing I know.......etc) Gary wants to save the dog and offers it to Vera and then Jim. The latter says he doesn't get on with dogs...something to do with being in the Army. This reference was less than crystal clear to me, I have to say. Jamie appears and denounces the forthcoming dog- murder, so Vera agrees to home the thing for the night.
In the Hour Glass, Fraser, sensitive soul that he is, can see all is not well with our latex queen. To perk her up, he grabs a bottle from stock and ushers her out to the back office, amid knowing glances from non- speaking staff. Although he says "stuff the punters" I think he has quite another intention in the stuffing department. He wants to know why she's been crying. She fibs. She would. Steve phones at that moment, urgently wanting to know what's going on. She pretends it's Andy, for Fraser's benefit, and that all is well again. Sorted. The scene ends and we are left to imagine him peeling her from her slippery vinyl wrapping and getting on with the task of perking her up!
The final scene takes place in Fiona's flat, where Alan is wondering who told Steve of the arrangement between himself and Liz. Liz is dead cross with him, and says she will hold him responsible if anything nasty befalls Steve. With the word BLACKMAIL on her lips, he exits.
Then Fiona tells him that she had told Steve, to which he calls her a stupid cow! He calls Liz a slag. Now where would he get that impression from? Now it's Fiona's turn to be very angry indeed when she discovers Liz has no police protection in this little affair, and that Alan is not working with the knowledge of his superiors! He's putting Liz and Steve at great personal risk solely for his career advancement! It's then Fiona tells him that she and Steve used to live together. I can't see that relationship surviving the month of February, can you?
That's yer lot.
Good night and I love you all!
Nigel
Tonight's episode begins in the back room of The Rover's Return. Referring to the dog, Jamie says, "Aw, Why can't we keep him?" Tricia and Vera can't convince Jamie that baby's don't mix with dogs and so turns to Jack for help. Vera wants him to take the dog back to Gary before the baby comes home. Jamie makes Jack promise that he won't put the dog down while Jamie is at school. With Jamie gone, Vera is debating whether to go to Joyce's funeral or not.
The same conversation is going on in The Kabin between Alec, Mavis and Rita. Alec says he's not going to go to the funeral.
Jack takes the dog to Gary's but he reluctantly takes it back without Judy knowing.
Alan comes into the hairdresser's and wants to talk to Fiona who follows him upstairs.
Roy shows off his new newspaper shelf to Emily and Percy in the cafe. He also tells them about the little suggestion box he's put on the counter. "We aim to please. Pen and paper are provided." Emily and Percy then discuss whether they're going to the funeral. They say that they won't.
Alan says he can't get Steve moved to a different prison and he just said he could to make Liz take notice. Fiona wants him to try and says she can't believe how nasty he is.
There are not many people at the Funeral. The only people there are Vera and Betty, who are sitting behind Gary and Judy. They discuss how there aren't many people there and Betty says that she hopes Tricia remembers to take the pies out of the oven. Percy comes in and sits next to Vera. Betty remarks how she thinks Alec should be there. "Remember that mucky weekend they had?" As Vera agrees, Alec comes through the door and sits next to Percy. Next person in is Tony. He just stands at the back.
Liz asks Deirdre if they can talk. They agree to meet in the cafe.
Sally comes over to the garage and asks Kevin to come over to the house. Tony has turned up and is just sitting there, not saying a word. It looks like the Websters have been lumbered with Scamper the dog. Tony talks to Kevin about him not ever going to drive again.
Liz is telling Deirdre that someone has told Steve about Fraser. She also says about Alan putting pressure on her. Liz says she is going to look for things on Fraser then she can genuinely say she hasn't found anything about him.
Alan meets Fiona in the Rovers and his boss is going to try and move McDonald.
Judy is crying and upset in the Rovers talking to Gary. While Gary goes to the loo, Samantha says she is sorry about her Mum. Judy then confides in Sam about wishing she hadn't told Gary to get the dog put down. She is crying because she murdered it. Tricia brings Brad home, but Vera wants to show Judy before he goes into the back of the pub. Sam tells Gary about Judy missing the dog.
At the hourglass, Fiona is looking for Liz, so asks Fraser where she is. He tells her Liz is moving in to his house. Fraser finds a note which fell out of Liz's coat. It has Alan's name and phone number on it.
Judy is pleased to see Gary bring Scamper back into the Mallet's house.
Fiona tells Alan about Liz moving in. Vera asks Ken if he wants to come and look at the baby. He goes through to the back and Tricia realises the baby has gone missing. They look in the yard, and Jamie is showing the pigeons to Brad.
Liz is moving her things into Fraser's house and is creeping through his drawers and brief case when Fraser walks in to the room. "What do you think you're up to?..." Credits
