Wednesday 2 April
A THOUSAND GREETINGS, on what has been a rather up-and-down
I left the story this time last week, where we were just
about to have our first cult meeting in the cellar beneath the
I got down there first and waited for the others to arrive.
Within a couple of minutes, there was the sound of footsteps on
the brick stairs. It was Trev, who looked really great, robed-up
in his dad's darkroom curtains, together with a weedy looking
little bloke from the Job Centre who was wearing the thickest
pair of glasses I had ever seen. The lenses made his eyes look
the size of dinner plates, and he was plainly petrified by the
prospect of what might happen.
I said "Trev, mate, you look brilliant, a right warlock!
Didn't you think of taking out the brass curtain rings first though?"
Anyway, he'd made a good job of painting some candles black,
but it seemed he'd used bitumen tar paint, and it made it a bit
smoky and difficult to breathe down there.
Bennie arrived, silent as usual, his long white hair falling
over the shoulders of his full length black overcoat. He stood
around, waiting for things to start. He looked so cool!
Through the gathering gloom, I noticed some letters painted
in red on the floor. DROBBUZELEEBSIL it said. "Woss all this,
Trev?" I inquired.
"That's the pentagram, mate" he replied.
"You dozy pillock, that's an anagram! You've got a
lot to learn about this warlocking lark!"
Trev went quiet.
Then we heard roars of approval accompanied by claps and
cheers from the bar above. It was the arrival of our High Priestess
of Darkness, Sharon, with a couple of her mates from the Building
When they appeared on the stairs, I could see what had prompted
the roars from the punters above. They all had covered their faces
with white make-up, and gone round their eyes with black (probably
that "coal" stuff the girls use). They all wore long
raven-black flowing wigs, but the best bit was the costumes! Over
the briefest black underwear, they wore only miles and miles of
cling-film! Wrapped tightly, all over their arms, legs and bodies,
right down to their shiny black ultra-high heels!
They looked like The Andrews Sisters on acid!
For the first time in living memory, Bennie spoke: "Blood-dy
hell!" he enunciated slowly and with the perfect clarity
of Scots diction. He had verbalised the feelings of me and Trev
with devastating conciseness!
What Trev's mate thought could only be gauged by the fact
that his eyes appeared even larger, if such a thing were possible.
With his jaw still hanging on the ground, Trev said, "let's
get started then"
One of the girls said to Sharon "ere Shar, will me
bike be alright round the back...it 'ain't got no chain on. 'Ow
long d'yer fink we'll be?"
At the time it didn't occur to me that this Creature of
the Dark Path had cycled to get there! That's one of the things
I've realised since!
Bennie again, "nae bother doll, I'll see yers home!"
Partly to distract Bennie from taking an unhealthy interest
in one of the handmaidens of darkness, and partly to underline
my authority as one of the Supreme Warlocks, I rubbed my hands
together briskly and said, "Right then, let's get started"
We all looked expectantly at each other for a few moments
in silence. Trev was still transfixed by the girls. I tried to
stand on the anagram, in case it spelled something rude and upset
Sharon. The girls shivered in their cling-film skin.
The silence was broken by Bennie; as he reached inside his
overcoat, he said, "Ah'v got a wee thing here that might
just get things started, Nige, if ye ken what I mean"
Everyone focussed on what Bennie would produce from his
It turned out to be a bottle of cough mixture. He pointed
out the Latin sounding chemical names of the ingredients, and
suggested we might have a crack at chanting them. So we all gathered
round the bottle of Broggles Linctus and did our best, in the
gloom, to chant the ingredients in a kind of hypnotic monotone.
Suddenly, with lighted cigarette still hanging from the
corner of her mouth, Sharon piped up, "ang on Nige, sorry
Trev, me bleedin' cling film's comin' unwrapped...you'll aff to
'old on a mo."
Well, the mood was rather lost by this interruption, as
you can imagine.
Trev then produced the lyrics to one of the songs on this
John Denver CD he'd just got, where he thought he was getting
secret messages. Apparently, he'd got the old trout who runs the
library to translate it to Latin. "Let's have a crack at
chantin' this," he exclaimed, "see if we can't bring
up The Dark One."
One of the handmaidens chirped up "look, Sharon, this'll
ave to be quick, I've got Line Dancin' at 8:00 down the Church
We ignored her and chanted away.
Eventually there was a rushing-whooshing-churning sound
in the darkest dampest corner of the cellar. A white glowing mist
was gathering out of nowhere. There were red flashing lights inside
it, and a strange unfamiliar smell met our nostrils. Still we
chanted, rhythmically, rhythmically....until, out of the mist
the figure of a man stepped forward. We fell silent. We stared.
The cigarette finally dropped from Sharon's lurid red lips. Trev's
little mate crumpled in a dead faint at the sight.
Then came ....yes....music! The bespectacled man smiled
and began to SING!
"Almost heaven....West Virginia....Blue Ridge Mountains...Shenandoah
River Life is old there, older than the sea......."
Yes, thanks to Trev's dodgy Latin, we had summoned up THE
FAIR ONE instead...it was JOHN BLOODY DENVER!!
Well, that was the end of our cult, there and then. Kaput.
We revived Trev's mate with a glass of mineral water from the
bar, Bennie took home one of the Cling Film Priestesses, Trev
sadly let fall his dad's darkroom curtains, as Sharon lit another
cigarette and whined, "whaddya reckon then Nige? all down
to the Curry Palace for a chicken vindaloo?
What a belting Priestess of Darkness that girl could have
Here is the update...
We begin tonight with a conversation between the Baldwins,
where Mike is saying he should have realised sooner that Don was
the arsonist, because Josie must have left her factory keys behind
when she left. Alma advises a modicum of caution, and says Mike
should be really certain before he slanders anyone.
To the strains of Waterloo Sunset in the background, the next
scene is Judy and Gary, talking about the fact that Joyce will
never see the grandchild they have been trying so long for. Gary
says he meant what he said about missing her the other day. Later
his libido (which he has lately been suppressing out of respect
for the recently-departed, one supposes) is in evidence, but Judy
"plays him to leg" to use a cricketing euphemism which
I have newly learned.
Judy has taken to heart his remarks about Joyce never getting
to see a miniature Mallett, and she declares that it's time to
take medical advice, and have some tests. If only she had known,
she could have consulted me! For years I have been running a cut-price
fertility clinic from a lock-up garage round the corner from the
bus station. For a quarter of the price you'd pay a Harley Street
so-called-specialist in London, I can fix punters, (sorry...patients)
up with entire nurseries- full of babies. I would tell you more,
but, having signed the hypocritical oath, and promised Maggie
I would keep gaenecology out of these updates for the entire month
of April, my lips are sealed. (Alright, as it's you, I'm listed
as Sprog-U-Like in the back pages of Fertility and Cloning Monthly.)
Check it out! Reasonable rates. My motto: SUCCESS IS IN THE BAG!
Then with but a single voice, the nations roars its approval
as we get our first glimpse of Roy Cropper for...oh I don't know...absolutely
He is stricken with an incurable virus. Fortunately for his
legions of devoted fans, its not Dengue Fever or Ebola, but the
common cold! He is optimistically reporting for duty, but Gail
sends him straight back to bed and calls on Audrey to come in
and help. This she does, and makes the acquaintance of Ron, a
long distance lorry driver (who where the noble craft of acting
is concerned, should probably stick to lorrying) with whom she
flirts. She shamelessly fishes to discover if he's married, which,
to all intents and purposes, he is not.
Ron's denim jacket is far too clean to be an authentic lorry
driver, but Audrey says she would have him on toast any day of
the week. "You can see to me any time you like" quips
Ron to Audrey, thereby stealing her heart away. This Ron is evidently
a silver tongued devil; an itinerant master of the witty bon mot,
and could be the genuine trucking article after all!
Martin comes in to see how Gail is coping. They are much busier
in the cafe than of old, it appears. Roy's management style is
starting to reap rewards, mayhap. How did Martin know Roy was
off sick? Anyway, he sits at a table and joins the terminally
morose Andy. Here is a glowing example of how the producers use
hair to underline a character's current emotional state. Recently
Judy got a new-ish style to suggest she might be starting to get
over the death of her mother. Liz's hair has been out of control
for some time, in step with her character's antics, and here is
Andy, whose lank and unkempt mop bespeaks the mental state of
it's gloomy host.
So Martin pulls Andy's leg about the easy life of students.
Andy fails to see the hilarity being deployed for his enjoyment,
and they end up having a bit of a barney. That lad is most awfully
glum! The phrase jack-it-in is used with regard to the university
course. Things look black.
Natalie Horrocks calls at the garage to take Kev to the pub
for a liquid lunch. Things need to be discussed, she says. Well,
we don't see much of any consequence getting hammered out in the
Rovers, except for her telling Kevin that her marriage to Tony's
womanising dad is over. Wisely, Kev goes schtum and stares into
the near-distance. Hearing how busy he is with paperwork and such,
she offers to help him. Before too long, she'll be interfering
with him, mark me! She'll have her hand inside his overalls before
you can say "carburettor"!
Mavis is preparing a salad for tea, as Derek is telling her
of the latest challenge in his life. Norris has engaged the services
of a young wizz-kid graduate salesman, Simon Calderdale, of whom
great things are expected.
Derek is certain the lad will fall flat, and he mocks his rival's
use of a personal organiser, as though it were a tool of the devil
himself! Derek says this is just the challenge he's been waiting
for, and calls for the opening of a bottle of wine!
Poor old lovable harmless Dirk. This time next week, I think
the Wednesday Update may be sent with a black border round the
text! (If I can just get my bloody paint graphics programme to
work!) So far, I can only get it to do a chain of daisies or little
coloured butterflies round the outside, so that may have to do!
If he gets eaten by a giant butterfly, it will be just right!
All day, Mike Baldwin has been trying to get hold of Don. He
goes to the house in the morning, goes to the pub at lunch time,
but still no luck. He knocks on the door a second time later in
the day, and this time he's found him. The two come face to face
for the first time since the great conflagration. Here is a precis
of their dialogue:
Baldwin: You dunnit
Brennan: I dunnit. Prove it!
The reality of this scene calls for strong acting from both
participants. Don tells Mike how he's always loathed him, and
the dreadful way he treats "ordinary" people. He openly
admits starting the fire, having used Josie's discarded keys to
let himself in. This admission takes Mike by surprise, and shocks
him into near-silence. Don hammers home his perceived advantage
by calling him a "flash, loudmouth Cockney wide-boy."
Don has no regrets! Baldwin has no proof, and the police think
Mike is the guilty one. So the plastic-footed arsonist relishes
the prospect of seeing Mike convicted of the offence, knowing
who the real guilty party is, and being powerless to prove it.
Don slams the front door, and closes the episode with these words,
"It will stick in your craw till the day you die!"
That's yer lot.
Good night and I love you all.
Friday 4 April
Flat: Mike turns his papers upside down hunting for the suicide
note which Alma received from Don. He wishes he had the tape of
the answerphone message, because although Sally heard it, that's
not evidence. He remembers he took the letter to the factory so
it has been lost.
Kabin: Mavis decides to have a bit of a 'do' for her birthday
on Monday. Rita is never one to miss out on a party, and also
nominates Emily to attend; however, Emily seems reluctant, and
makes an excuse why she will be unable to go.
Street: Jim has been out shopping for food for Steve, and Don
passes on his best wishes to Steve.
Police Station: Mike is dismayed that they haven't got Don
behind bars yet, but the detective was waiting to see the letter.
Mike has to admit that the evidence has gone up in smoke.
House: Andy is sullen at Jim's plans for Steve. He is going
to Fiona's engagement party, but Jim intends to take Steve to
a club in town, and doesn't want him to know about Fiona and Alan,
as Steve still cares for Fiona. Andy tells Jim that he is not
prepared to lie to his brother.
House: The police arrive to question Don. He reluctantly lets
Cafe: This scene, in which Audrey shamelessly flirts with Big
Ron, is too disgusting to write about. All I will say is that
she confides that Italian food makes her feel amorous Roy appears
fleetingly on his way to the doctors' and pointedly reminds Gail
that her mother is paid to help, not chat up men. Audrey gives
Big Ron a playful flick with her tea towel. Yeuckk!!
House: Don, under cross-examination, admits to staying in on
the night in question, but Ashley was out so can't back up his
story. He acknowledges that he had a grudge against Mike, and
sent a letter and left a message on the answering machine.
House: Steve has had a bath, a beer and is about to have a
steak. He is not thrilled to hear that his Dad wants to take him
out on the town, but decides it may be the best option after hearing
Andy is going to a party, as he assumes it will be all studenty-types.
He asks Andy how Fi is, and what her policeman friend is like,
but Andy is non-committal.
House: The police establish from Don that he caused Mike to
lose the Kbec contract, but had lost £20,000 on the garage
deal. Don's theory is that Mike torched his own factory for the
insurance money, and is also trying to get Don into trouble as
an added bonus. The policeman wants to know exactly what he watched
on TV that night. Don blusters.
Flat: Fi and Max are preparing for the party. Her brother phones
with some excuse that he is unable to attend (Fiona thinks the
real reason is that she is marrying a white policeman), then Alan
phones to say he will be late.
House: Derek and Mavis have one of those conversations where
he talks about one subject, and she has an unconnected exchange
on another topic entirely. He moans about being sent to Birmingham
at the crack of dawn, a task which he sees fit only for a junior
sales man. Meanwhile, Mavis asks him to organise her party, so
that it will be 'a surprise'......
Street: Steve, Jim and Andy are just on their way out when
they met Judy and Gary. The Motormouth Malletts reveal that they
are on their way to Fiona's engagement party. Against his father's
advice, Steve decides to accompany Andy to this event.
Rovers: Mavis thinks that Emily won't come to her party because
of the Historical Society business. Derek is too busy worrying
about Birmingham, and decides to go there and then. Alma and Mike
speculate as to why Don hasn't been arrested yet, as he is in
the pub, drinking and in a good mood. Don annoys Mike by saying
he couldn't help the police so they had to leave.
Party: Maxine is not slow to point out Steve's arrival to her
friend Fiona. Alan hasn't arrived there yet. Angie is on the prowl,
and targets Kevin and Chris. She sends Kev for drinks (but I'm
sure she called Kev 'Ken') and proceeds to Chris. Now I like Angie,
but you can't respect a woman who's opening gambit is 'I haven't
had a decent snog for ages - have you?' although it worked on
Chris. Steve congratulates Fiona on her engagement, and she mentions
the fact that Andy has been drinking heavily recently. Alan arrives.
Police station: Mike demands to know what has been happening,
but the detective says they can't make a case against Don without
proof. In fact, it is Mike who is back under suspicion, since
the factory fire has been too convenient for him.
Party: Chris and Angie are now into some serious snogging;
as are Gary and Judy, who decide to go home to make a baby. Andy
drunkenly says he is going to fail his exams and it is all Alan's
fault, he spills wine on Fiona and pushes Alan and tries to punch
him. Alan armlocks Andy and frog-marches him to the door. Fiona
screams to Alan to leave him alone, and Steve takes Andy home,
Fiona following them down the stairs. Alan asks Maxine who the
bloke was who took hold of Andy - so she tells him it was Steve.
Outside, Steve calls Fiona's fiancé a Neanderthal, and
says the best of luck to her if >that's who she's spending
the rest of her life with.
Glamour awards. The party offered the ideal opportunity for
some imaginative wardrobe items. Sadly, all we got were acid coloured
shirts, on the men, and Fiona wearing a dress made from an old
table cloth. Angie and Judy were in clingy things that I suppose
some may find attractive, but Maxine's top was horrid. There were,
however, prominent displays of Judy's tattoo, so extra points
in the drinking game tonight.
Sunday 6 April
"Hi, my namesh Andeh!" - Andy "comes on strong"
to a girl in a pub which is NOT the Rover's Return!
Grim portent clouds the usually smoggy air of Wetherfield as
Derek has only a matter of hours left before the giant
florescent paper-clip proves to be his downfall...
The episode begins with yet another gratutitous nude shot of
Chris who is lying on Des's sofa (except it's Angie's now). Angie
tiptoes downstairs and becomes strangely turned on by 1) the tatto
on his ankle and 2) the scar on his ankle. She is about to touch
(2) when Chris wakes up and says "you 'ad yer chance last
night". Suddenly, Angie whips away his sleeping bag, but
fortunately he is wearing a pair of black boxer shorts.
It later transpires that Chris has moved in with Angie, much
to the chagrin (I like that word) of Mavis, who is about to invite
"professional" Angie to her (doomed) birthday party,
only to realise that she is being forced to extend the invite
to her "new neighbour". And can please, someone tell
me what is so scary/offensive about a man who doesn't shave very
much? He might wear clothes more befitting my nephew's Action
Man, but at least his teeth aren't as bad as his predecessor's.
Still, at least Mavis has some "nice" guests to be
at her party - Rita and Alec have reluctantly agreed to participate
- or be extras, who knows?
Later we are treated to a shot of the Wilts in the conservatory
- Derek is in a jubliant mood becase everything is going well
at work, but this is the Wilts so we know that in three seconds
they're both going to be tearing their hair out. Three...Derek
spots Chris hanging up his black boxer shorts on the washing line
next door. Mavis explains the situation. Two... Mavis tells Derek
that she had to invite Chris to the party. One... Mavis announces
that they've had a letter from the Allotment Society and if they
do not get their allotment up to scratch then they will have it
taken from them. Derek grips the last few strands of his shredded
wheat hair and yanks them out.
Trash's new man is here to take her out on a date - probably
back in his time machine to the 1950s, which is where he looks
like he just came from. He and Jack discuss the Grand National,
as if it actually had happened, not mentioning the fact
that it was suspiciously cancelled.
New Man has brought Jameh a half-price Easter egg, allowing
the child to engage in some adult banter with him. Trash arrives,
wearing the usual black leather jacket etc. As they leave, Vera
pulls a face of disgust.
After the "twins" managed to ruin Fiona's engagement
party on Friday it seems that there's little more they can do.
Wrong. The "let's play nice" dinner-party at the McDonald
house is a tense affair, even by their standards. It's
so ironic - but now Jim is the "voice of reason", and
even Steve appears to have found "sense" - now Andy
has turned into a prissier, mouthier version of all of the other
members of his family - doesn't he make a credible drunk? The
party starts by Andy telling Liz to "shut up" and continues
like that until he can bear no more pleasantries and rushes out
of the house. "Follow 'im," snaps Liz to Steve.
The next time we see them, the boys are sitting in an unfamilar
pub, and maybe my new contact lenses aren't working properly,
because a man at the end of the bar seems to be cruising the pair
of them. But it all gets complicated and while Steve's getting
"in the drinks", Andy approaches a female extra and
starts pawing at her. The next thing you know, a full-scale western
saloon fight has broken out. Andy is slurring in vain, and somehow
Steve ends up getting hit in the face.
At the hospital, Andy is even more lippy, and starts screaming
for nurses to help him. Martin arrives and goes "tsk tsk"
- Andy is nearly ejected, and Steve collapses dramatically on
the floor. It later transpires that he has fractured his jaw or
something. It also means that he is late getting back to prison
and will probably NEVER get paroled now.
Mike's attempts to trick Don into confessing all on tape do
not work, so Mike tries to befriend Ashley by offering him cigars
and beer. When Ashley realises that all Mike wants is for him
to spill the beans about Don, Ashley runs off home to Don to tell
him all about it. But Don has had too much to drink (surprise!)
and is in a boastful mood. "It were me!" he sqwawks
triumphantly. "I did it!" Ashley looks sickened. Credits.
Marks Out of Ten: A good episode - 8. A pointless fight, some
bare flesh, and it looks like Don's finally slipped up. It was
only a matter of time before Andeh's genes turned him into a fully-fledged
McDonald. It's only his hair I'm worried about. I doubt that even
shampoo for damaged hair would sort that lot out.
Steve McDonald Drama Award: Let's be fair - we've all missed
Steve, and it was nice to see him back to his old gurning self.
Those eyes were as bulging as ever, and it was reassuring to see
that his prison diet has helped him maintain that sickly frame.
He is now my favourite McDonald, although that's not saying much.
"I've just about had enough of this family."
Jim McDonald voices the thoughts of a nation.
"Breakfast in the Conservatory!" Mavis is
happy for possibly the last time in her entire life.
For the moment, Don's thrilling denoument will have
to be put on a back burner while Derek does his swan song (more
later). After Don's confession to Ashley of the night before,
Don claims that he was so drunk that he couldn't remember a thing
(I didn't realise that people actually used that old excuse any
more). When Ashley confronts him about burning down Mike's factory
Don said that he was rambling and nobody talks sense when they're
drunk. True Don, but you don't talk much sense when you're sober
But a "seed of doubt" has been planted in
Ashley's little peroxided head and so he questions the Platts
about "how well do they know Don", "why does Don
hate Mike" etc. Martin and Gail dither well-meaningly, but
can't really work out if they want to be in this story-line or
not yet. Meanwhile, Audrey tells Gail that of course Mike did
it and if Don had tried to burn down the factory, he probably
would have bungled and set fire to his leg (!) or something.
Don and Mike spend the rest of the episode sneering
and hissing at one another, and Audrey escapes to the cafe to
fondle her new man, Ron - in front of her own daughter too! The
pair of them (Ron and Audreh) seemed so sexually aroused that
I was amazed they didn't do the deed right there and then, among
the sachets of sugar!
Jim nags Andy about last night's "performance",
causing Andy to rush off in a sulk. We later discover that he
has "jacked in" his course and has no intentions of
taking his exams. When Jim finds out from Jack, he is furious,
although Bill Webster advises him to take the caring, fatherly
The New Man took Trash to Southport last night (now
there's a place that knows how to have a good time), and wants
to see her again the following night, although Trash does not
want to push the Duckworths into babysitting little Brad two nights
in a row. So Jack suggests they have a night in, in front of the
"telly". This leads to a discussion between Jack and
Vera in which Trash is compared to Princess Ann (I know).
New Man comes out of his 50s time-warp and Trash and
Jameh spend the evening in the back room, eating crisps and watching
something on the video. Jameh is now besotted with the New Man
and cannot stop ruffling his hair and sitting on his knee and
telling him that he "hates him". I know, it's a confusing
age. At least he seems to be a good influence on both Trash and
Jameh. It is the first time I have seen Trash happy....ever.
Derek surprises Mavis with breakfast in the conservatory,
and then drops a key into a plant-pot (don't ask me why - people
kept talking over the top of it). Like Trash, Mavis is also happy,
although her brow furrows with concern when she sees Derek put
his spoon into his soft-boiled egg. To warn us of the doom to
come, we are shown an enormous close-up of egg yolk. Derek drives
off in his car and keeps waving back at Mavis - who stands watching
them - and we all know that it is the last time she will see him
alive. I don't know if I can bear to watch the rest...
The day continues, and nobody really wants to go to
Mavis's birthday party, but a few dizzy looking extras show up,
with Rita, Percy and Alec. Derek, however, is late and telephones
on his mobile to say he was stuck in traffic. Mavis is furious
and screams "you've spoilt everything", but Derek doesn't
hear and hangs up. He drives off, but ends up next to a large
land-rover type thing in the next lane which he overtakes a bit
carelessly. The man in the landrover (personalised numberplates,
"country-esqe" cap, can't act) starts flashing and beeping,
and I'm thinking that if CS is trying to be topical and include
a storyline about road-rage, then wouldn't it be better to go
the whole way and have Derek beaten to death by the Spice Girls
Eventually Derek pulls over and the man rushes out
and starts screaming "you nearly put my wife through the
windscreen!" Where is his wife at this point? She does not
seem to be moving. Maybe she is one of those blow-up dummies that
people put in their cars to stop people from getting road rage?
But this ironic interlude does not stop Derek from screaming his
own insults at his tormenter, who responds by giving the giant
paperclip on Derek's car a little push, before getting back into
his land-rover and driving off. Horrifyingly, and also comically
(in a sick sort of way), Derek's eyes bulge and he pulls a variety
of twisted expressions. It's almost like he's reliving every joke
that Des has pulled on him all at once. At this point the mobile
phone starts ringing - Derek slumps to the ground while the Gilbert
and Sullivan Royal Choir shriek "Tit Willow Tit Willow Tit
Willow!" on his tape-deck. This is allowed to continue all
the way through the Credits.
Points out of 10: 10.
Glamour Tiara. The old Glamour Tiara has gotten a little
rusty lately, with none of the regular contenders bothering to
do very much to impress. But Rita pulled out all the stops tonight
with a party emsemble which looked as if it would suit better
to the bedroom. It was so sheer that you could even see
her shoulder pads through it!!!
Monday 7 April
Hello everybody in space! My name is Dominic Worsfold.
I am off school for Easter and tonight I can stay up late so that
I can do dad's Wednesday update for him. I am 12. I like horse
riding acting and writing songs. I once wrote a song called Most
Relationships Start with Fighting! I sang it to the class and
I have read the things dad writes and I won't try to
be like him! Sometimes he says do you want to be like me when
you grow up? I say NOOO!!!
Anyway he has gone to bed until Tuesday because he
got a bad tax form in the post today or something. He shouted
out off the window at me today because I was using my roller boots
on our new driveway,
Coronation street was on late because of the football
9 th of April
It starts at Mavis's birthday party, shes been trying
to phone Derek on his mobile phone but he can't answer. Then the
door knocks and at the door its the blokey that works with Derek
and a policeman. They say it's very bad news and so they go indoors.
Then they tell Mavis what's happened is that he's had a heart
atack and it was fatal. Angie and her boyfreind come to the party
but it's all off by then. Mavis says it's a mistake, but they
say it's not. She asks if it's alright to see him, so they go
to the hospital, and it is him, which we knew all along!! Then
later Rita is looking after her, and she's talking about all the
jobs he's done, and all the funny things he's had to sell. The
last thing she said to him was telling him he was inconsiderate
and unsensitive, but she should have told him she loved him! She
looked much older than usual. Emily comes round to see her, but
she was quite rotten to her I thought.
Mike Baldwin and Alma talk about all the trouble he's
in, and he thinks the police are going to say he was the one who
did the big fire at the clothes factory, and not Don. He says
the police are going to bang him away! He thinks they might start
a new life in Cyprus and leave England. Later on Alma comes in
again and tells him about Derek dying, which he's very surprised
about, and starts to think if HE will have a heart attack because
of all the trouble at the moment. Then the phone rings and the
police want him to come to the nick tomorow. He puts the phone
down and says that it's all over, and its too late to run away!!
He's worried about prison. In the pub, everyone is talking about
Derek dying like that. There's a very funny bit then with Fred
and Jack and Alec where theyr'e all talking about having health
check ups, but they're all smoking like chimneys!!
Andy and Jim have a talk about him giving up university.
Jim thinks he might end up a dropout. He's drunk, but got chips
as well! My brother Simon goes to university, and I'll tell you....
he better not be a dropout!! Mum always asks him what he's going
to do, but he doesn't tell her he knows yet.
Jack and Vera are talking about Trisha's boyfreind,
which is Ray, and whether he's got an interior motive? Trisha
gets cross. Vera is only worried about her taking Brad away somewhere,
The lorry driver blokey is trying to peel an orange
in the cafe and Audrey tries to help him. She's daft over him.
Alma comes into the place and she's bored at home, so she helps
out for a while and tells Gail all about Mikes trouble, which
I thought she already knew!
At the end of the programme, Rita goes away and Mavis
is on her own. Norris comes to the door and she's cross with him,
but he gives her the little birthday present that was in Derek's
car when it happened. Its got a blue bow on it and small. When
he 's gone, she opens it and its a heart that you can open on
a silver chain. There's a picture of her and Derek in there, and
one of him on his own. Hes had a little message put on the back
too, about love. It's quite sad actually, and she cries a lot,
but there's no tears, but you can see she's very VERY upset!!
Perhaps dad will let me do his update again one day
if he gets another bad tax form to do! Thank you for reading DOMINIC
Wednesday 9 April
Flat: Mike prepares to go to the police station with
his 'brief' although he seems apprehensive and wonders what they
want, if not to charge him.
House: Judy goes to see Mavis to offer her condolences,
but it brings back her own bereavement, and Mavis ends up comforting
her. Judy apologises, but Mavis says it is good to grieve - her
own tears conspicuous by their absence.
Butcher's Shop: Fred in his shop, bantering with customers.
Maxine comes in asking to see Ashley ('Meat on the hoof, you're
after' - Fred) she apologises for her behaviour and asks Ashley
to go out with her again. He is cold to her and says he will think
it over. After she leaves Fred reprimands Ashley for passing up
the opportunity, as life's too short....
House: Mavis and Judy have had a cup of tea and a chat
and Judy is just leaving as Norris arrives. Mavis reluctantly
lets him in as he has cleared Derek's desk out and brought her
some clean socks, an executive toy and a photograph. Norris gives
a little speech but Mavis is unimpressed by his hypocrisy. She
even goes as far as to blame Norris, and Hawthorn's for Derek
Police Station: After a long wait, Mike and his young
female solicitor finally get to see the detective. It is only
to go through the statement again. The solicitor is sarcastic
and patronising to the policeman, pointing out that Mike is the
victim in the whole affair. She formally asks if there is any
intention to charge Mike with any crime. He reluctantly admits
there will be no charge. They leave, looking smug, and Mike invites
the solicitor, Frankie, to lunch in a little pub he knows nearby.
Rovers: Liz goes with Jim to try to talk to Andy about
his decision to quit university. Mike arrives, very loud and brash,
and puts £50 behind the bar to buy drinks for everyone.
He announces that he is celebrating finally not being accused
of burning down the factory. Jack, in an aside, says to Frankie
'You must be good!') but Mike is a little disappointed that Don
House: Andy is in no mood to receive lectures from
his mum. Liz rants to both Andy and Jim that any mistakes she
has made in her life were down to her, and that neither of them
have the right to blame anyone except themselves for messing up
their lives. Andy continues to swig his beer.
Cafe: Gail and Audrey pack up after what Audrey considers
a boring day (Big Ron didn't come in) but Gail says Roy will be
back at work soon, so she won't need Audrey. Then Ron arrives,
Gail wants to shut but Audrey lets him in. Gail leaves Audrey
and Ron flirting.
Rovers: Ray is there playing with the baby, Vera sends
Tricia into the bar, and takes the opportunity to warn Ray not
to get too attached to Tricia and Brad as Terry will return for
Cafe: Ron is getting physical with Audrey; at first
they are giggling, but then he pins her against the door and she
pushes him away, saying she didn't encourage him. Then her knight
in shining armour appears in the form of Roy, unshaven, in his
pyjamas, crying 'unhand my mother you brute - anyway it is time
for her medication, without which she gets a bit queer'. It does
the trick, and Audrey thanks Roy, who feels feint and has to sit
Rovers: Emily and Rita discuss Mavis and how she is
coping. Ashley and Maxine meet and agree to start again. Alma
and Mike arrive, she is not comfortable being there, but he crows
about the fact that his insurance company are going to pay out
now that the police investigation has finished.
Cafe: Gail arrives, having forgotten something, to
find Audrey attending to Roy. He explains how he came down in
response to noises in the cafe, and found Audrey in difficulties
with 'a rough customer', she explains that men find her attractive,
even if she gives no encouragement. Roy agrees, to Gail's amusement,
that Audrey would never encourage such a low type, who would try
it on with any woman, no matter what her age and looks.
Rovers: Don comes in much to Mike's pleasure, and Mike
offers him a drink, explaining how pleased he is that the police
no longer suspect him. Jack warns Mike off, but he continues to
thank Don for doing him the favour of getting the VAT, trading
standards and bank off his back. Now he will get the insurance
as well he's untouchable and free to start again. He thanks Don
for burning down the factory, as a silent clientele look on. Don
is fuming and can hardly contain his anger. Mike then throws a
few pound coins at Don, for petrol money, and walks out. Don simmers
Friday 11 April
And here is the news for Sunday, April 13th
In tonight's main headlines:
Sunday 13 April
Trish prepares to spend the night with Ray
And our first story, Preparations are well underway
for Derek's funeral
Friends and family of Mavis and Derek have been in
and out of Mavis' house today offering support and helping to
organise the funeral and wake. Mavis is reported to be bearing
up well, but various sources indicate their opinion that the reality
has not really sunk in yet.
We are joined now, live from our Weatherfield studio
by your roving reporter Tom who is speaking with Alec Gilroy,
are you there Tom and Alec?
"I 'ope I'm goin' to be paid for this"
Now Alec, how did Mavis seem to be coping today?
"Oh she is all right. A lot of fuss about nothing
if you ask me. Just another excuse for people to fuss around and
stick their noses in where they are not wanted."
Really Alec, that is a bit harsh, don't you think?
"Listen, I'm out of pocket on this. I paid Maureen
for the food for the wake, but Rita won't let me ask Mavis to
pay me back. £38 it cost me! I tried to get Jack to give
me the money out of his collection, but Vera wasn't having it".
Yes, about the collection for Derek, they raised £98
"That's right and if it isn't going to be used
to pay for the funeral and wake, well, what good is it?"
Speaking of the funeral, I understand that Mavis had
a visit from Norris today.
"Oh that was nothing, he just wanted to come over
to reassure her that Angela wasn't going to the funeral. He is
still coming though. Upset her no end that did. Why he couldn't
have passed the message on through Rita and saved Mavis the sight
of his unpleasant features I don't know."
Why Alec, you do care after all. Now back to you Jerry.
Trish prepares to spend the night with Ray
Sources close to the Duckworth's report today that
Trish has left Jack and Vera to look after Jamie, while she and
Brad spend the night at Ray's large detached house. Ray is said
to have impressed Trish by the size of his kitchen utensils and
the bedroom window that faces east so "we can watch the sun
come up together".
Vera is said to be livid at her immoral behaviour,
Jack reportedly takes a more sanguine view.
And in tonight's closing headline, Don sinks deeper
Young Ashley was driven from his home this morning
by the sight of Don smashing all the crockery. Don, publicly accused
last week of starting the fire at Baldwin's factory, was urged
to fight back by Jack. However, in a dark mood, Don responded
to this sympathetic advice with the words "I'm not going
to top meself, I'm already dead"
Don sinks deeper into depression
Here is the news for Monday 14th April
And tonight's main headlines:
Monday 14 April
Trish considers moving in with Ray
Trish considers moving in with Ray
Andy gets advice from Steve
Mike considers new business venture
Don intimidates Alma
Claire finds out more truth about Des
In a buoyant mood after having spent one night with Ray, Trish
was today trying to pluck up courage to tell Jack and Vera that
she is hoping to move out of the Rover's and in with her new man.
Ray is reportedly so smitten with Trish that he even expressed
his regret that Jamie had chosen to remain at the Rover's last
night rather than visit his home.
Andy gets advice from Steve
Andy tried to assuage his guilt about Steve's extra fortnight
in prison today by paying him a brief visit. However, Steve was
in an unforgiving mood and responded "I can see how hard
it has been for you mate. You've had to drop out of Uni, get drunk,
fall over. Me, I've only lost me job, me wife and me freedom.
I'm sure you're sorry, ... for yourself".
The funeral of one of Coronation Streets best loved residents
took place today at the parish church of Ss Peter and Paul. Controversy
shook the event at one point when Norris beat the official speaker,
Ken, to the lectern for the eulogy. Alluding to his meeting with
"Dirk", Norris slighted Mavis alleging that she had
driven off and forgotten him on the M56, and also that she had
forgotten Derek's 60th birthday.
Norris was later heard confiding in Audrey that Derek's
death was a mercy really because the firm had been about to fire
him to "failing to cut the mustard".
Your roving reporter Tom has Audrey in the radio car
now. Are you there Tom?
Yes thank you very much Jerry. Now Audrey tell us what
happened at Derek's wake.
"Well, first of all Tommuh, I'd like to point
out that I never said a word against Derek. In fact, as I was
saying to Betty, it is to his credit that he died when Mavis is
still healthy and able to get another felluh. Also, of course,
he gave me the excuse to buy a new dress."
Thank you Audrey, but could you tell us more about
the alleged row between Mavis and Derek's sister, Edith.
"Oh that one, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth
Tommuh. She seemed to think she were too good for us and spent
the whole day in a snit that there had only been one hearse in
the procession. Actualluh, I think she regretted that Derek had
ever left Angela for Mavis. Then, as she were leaving, she told
Mavis that most of the people at the wake weren't Derek's friends
and that we were holding them up as figures of fun".
Was that true?
"Well yes, actualluh, but you don't say that to
a widow, do you. No, make fun of her behind her back, it's much
How did Mavis react?
"Oh, she coped all right. She just said that,
even if we didn't mean the nice things we had said, they were
still true and that her and Derek had been happy together".
Thank you Audrey. Now back to you Jerry.
Mike considers new business venture
Sources close to Baldwin have reported that a new business venture
might be on the cards for the street's entrepreneur. Mike was
overheard during Derek's funeral discussing the possibilities
of renting the print shop to himself as the home for his new venture.
Mike had to leave the funeral in the middle to attend a business
meeting just arranged on his mobile phone.
Don intimidates Alma
Dirty Don seized the opportunity of finding Alma alone in Mavis'
conservatory during the wake to sound her out about the possibility
of forming an alliance against Mike. "Together we can compare
notes and find his weak spot", he is reported to have slurred.
In response to Alma's refusal to be drawn Don apparently dropped
the subject with the words, "Just remember, you've had your
One final item of news to close: Claire finds out
truth about Des
Angie took the opportunity of meeting Claire at Derek's wake to
tell her more of Des Barnes' womanising ways. "You lived
with him for six weeks? That is a long time for Des" she
is reported to have opined. Claire expressed no regrets that the
time was so short.
and now, it's goodnight from me........ another Kevin
A THOUSAND CORRIE-TYPE GREETINGS from Dickie Earl!
I'm a really big Coronation Street fan from down under in dear
old Oz, and I'm staying here in England with Nigel and Maggie
for a couple a days on me way to Granada Studios, with me sheila,
Shirl. We live in a little sheep town called Kilamboora in Western
Oz, but Shirl's folks live in Basingstoke, so we'll probably have
to see them too, but for me, the trip to the Granada studios is
the big thing! I tell you mate, if I can get me picture took with
ol' Jack Duckworth, won't that make the boys back home as sick
as flamin' wombats!
I tell yer, back home we don't wait for the episodes
to come on the TV. No flamin' way mate! Shirl's sister-in-law
works long haul on British Airways, and brings us the old viddies,
hot from pommieland, and we have a big Corrie night in Mick's
pub about once a fortnight, where all the sheep shearin' boys
from the stations within a couple a hundred miles or so come and
sink the odd jar or twelve and watch the show!
There's usually a few spare sheilas there, if you
know what I mean mate, and we have a ripper time, no flamin' worries!
All the sheilas are beaut sports, and they lay on the tucker for
all the boys. I've got me eye on a cracking big tattooed sheila
called Noelene. She's bonza at the old arm-wrestlin', and flamin
nuts about Coronation Street. She's a dynamite girl mate, but
not a word to Shirl if you know what I mean?
We get some right mad bloody drongos in there, mate.
What a flamin laugh! One night, just before me an' Shirl came
away, the boys were havin' a competition to see how many sheep
you can get on a pool table? After all the rest of the boys had
tried, scorin' around the 18 or 19 mark, up steps Big Jason. Jeez,
mate...the size of that bludger! He's a shearer, about 6'15"
and built like a brick dunny, mate. People say the only time he
comes indoors is at Mick's bar! The bloke lives rough in the bush,
just appears out of nowhere in the mornings, shears maybe 200
sheep non-stop, and disappears back into the bush mate!
Anyway, he picks up four sheep like they was nothing,
jams each one of their feet into the flamin' pockets, throws half
a dozen in on top, and scores 25! No worries...what a flamin'
laugh, mate! So he won a night's free gargle and a Coronation
Street tea towel. I tell yer, mate, the bludger was overcome!
There was sheep and beer all over the place. What a flamin' laugh!
Anyway, Nigel's put me in charge of the update tonight,
so that's quite a bloody honour, seriously speaking if you know
what I mean, so here she goes for Wednesday 16th April.
Seein' as how Dirk's shot through, Mave is tuckin'
the old gnomes away in a box, on account of she can't bear to
see 'em no more. The young sheila from next door, Angie has a
bit of a chat with her over the fence. I still can't get used
to the size of your gardens here! Back home, you'd be gettin'
the old claustophobia if you had less then half a dozen acres
out the back, I tell yer! Mave says she never really liked the
little bludgers. That makes two of us Mave!
The next minute, we see young Brad suckin' for all
he's worth from the feeding bottle. Geez, the kid looked starvin'
to me an' Shirl. She said "Blimey Dick, look at the poor
little mite...he's so hungry he could eat the crutch out of a
low-flyin' emu!" My Shirl has a wonderful turn of phrase,
if you know what I mean. What a flamin' sheila! Ripper! So Tricia's
there, tryin' to sell young Jamie the idea of shackin' up with
Ray the decorator. Jamie's dead against, but it's not up to him.
He wants to stay put in the pub. Bloody sensible kid!
In the corner shop, Mave is back on duty, and ol' Rita
is looking dead concerned about her. She offers her to push off
home, but Mave's not havin' any of it. She reckons she might as
well tough it out. She says what she wants really is to see old
Dirk come through that door. "Forget it Mave, the bloke's
a gonner" Shirl shouted. At least she's got some make-up
back on, so the old girl's a decent sport after all! Shirl reckons
Mave's well shot of him; she says Dirk was abaout as useless as
a chocolate teacup...as useless as an ashtray on a flamin' motorbike!
Not the most sensitive sheila in Oz, my Shirl, but what a girl,
Then that flashy lookin' sheila who's Tony's mum, can't
think of the name right now....anyhow, she waltzes up to Kev,
who's lyin' under a car, and starts ticklin' his leg, dead familiar
like. He comes out from under to find her battin' her mascara
at him and inviting him for a gargle. She says she wants to talk
garage business, but WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF FLAMIN' BUSINESS, don't
we? More like flamin' monkey business mate! So down the pub, Kev's
keen to get back to work but she wants another round. She offers
to pop round to his place later to go over the books together.
She knows Kev's sheila's away and asks if things are on the rocks
for them two. Anyway, Kev gives her the ol' knockback, (jeez,
mate, I've had that a few times in me life down the pub, if you
know what I mean, but not a word to Shirl, mate!) Shirl reckons
when that Natalie gets her mitts on young Kev, he'll have a grin
on him like a carpet snake in a chook pen!
Back in the Kabin, Mavis and old Emily are havin' a
yarn about what to do with old Dirk's clobber. Emily reckons the
local charity shop would be apples, so she'll give Mave a hand
clearin' the wardrobe out. Mave has this thing about not wanting
to see another bludger walkin' about in Dirk's old strides, so
Emily says she'll take 'em to a place the other side of the Pennines,
whatever they are!
Kev's young mate from the garage, Chris, comes home
and tells Angie that he'll do the tucker tonight. Back home, we'd
throw a couple of platypus on the barbie mate, but you folks seem
to wanna cook indoors the whole time! I s'pose it's on account
of how flamin' cold it is! I'll never get used to it, I tell yer
So he rustles up a fair dinkum bit of nosebag, and
asks her to guess what it was. She reckons lamb, but he kids her
on that it's somethin' more exotic. "Bloody kangaroo!!"
shouts Shirl. Ha! What a flamin wit that girl's got, mate...never
met a girl like her, I tell yer!
Turns out it was lamb, but then after the food, she
starts on at him about how she reckons he's a bit on the young
side to have been in a war zone and got shot in Africa. War zone?
I'll give yer flamin' war zone! You 'ain't seen war zone until
you've seen that Corrie night at the pub back home in Kilamboora
when the flamin' viddie went on the blink, mate! 70-odd shearers
from all around, some of 'em driven seven hours to get there,
full of beer and wantin' to know what the flamin' hell had happened
to their trollybus edition, or whatever you call it. It all turned
very nasty, mate. One of 'em picked up a sheep and threw the bludger
across the bar, breaking the optics and all. There was tables
and chairs flyin' in all directions!
Mick keeps a tame kookaburra in a cage by the sheilas'
dunny. One huge bloke reached in the cage and bit the bludger's
head clean off mate! If Shirl hadn't got on a table and stripped
to take their minds of not seein' The Street, mate, it could have
been flamin' bloodshed. What a beaut sport that girl is! One in
a bloody million!
Mike Baldwin takes his brief out for dinner at a swanky
place. They're both on the ol' red wine. Not a lot of call for
red wine in Mick's bar, mate. If a sheila can't drink beer like
the rest of the blokes, she'll end up ostrich-sized and none of
the other women'll talk to her! Shirl doesn't care for Mike Baldwin
one little bit. She always says he's as flash as a rat with a
gold tooth! Looks to me like it's all a bit of a scam to get her
to work for cheap, anyhow.
Earlier, he'd been across to Don's place to tell to
keep away from Alma, and how Don's done 'im a beaut favour by
burnin' the factory down. Don hits the gargle pretty hard. Been
Tricia eventually stops pussy-footin' about and tells
Jack she's movin' out to live with Ray. Jamie tells Jack as how
he wants to stay, and they have a cuddle in the yard, where Jack
tells the kid as how life's not fair. Too right, mate! It won't
be bloody fair if I don't get me picture taken with him on the
Studio tour Friday! Anyhow, Jack tells young Jamie that Ray's
a fair dinkum bloke, but the kid's still wants to stay behind.
Alma and Gail have been havin' a bit of a night in
the pub, and then comes the time to go home. Alma calls a taxi,
and it's ol' hopalong Don who takes the call. The old snake grabs
a set of car keys and sets off himself to pick her up! By the
way mate, thinkin' about Don reminds me, I've got to tell yer
this; back home there's a bloke comes in the pub, a shearer, massive
bloke, likes to show the sheilas his legs after the surgery he
had, There was a big accident one day and he fell into some kinda
farm machine. They called the flyin' doctor and rushed the bloke
750 miles to the nearest hospital with his legs wrapped in an
empty feed-bag. So now after 7 hours of the ol' micro surgery,
mate, the bludgers got two artificial legs, but REAL FEET! What
a flamin' laugh mate!
Anyhow, Alma doesn't know it's Don at the wheel when
she climbs in the cab. Weatherfield Quays, she says. "Hope
your wearin' yer bloody lifejacket, love" yells my Shirl!
What a flamin sheila, mate.
What a flamin' laugh!
As me old mate Nigel says, that's yer lot - Good night
from Dickie Earl and his sheila, Shirl!
Wednesday 16 April
A bumper hour-long special, which although concentrating
on the Brennan/Baldwin storyline, contained some fine acting and
significant plot developments for Andy and Jim, Angie and Chris
and the Duckeggs.
Taxi: We open with Alma in the speeding cab making
its way round deserted streets. She starts to make conversation,
then realises who is driving.
Rovers: A busy night at the pub. Jim purchases two
bottles of whiskey to take home to drink with Andy. Alec and Rita
enjoy a quiet drink together. In the back, Tricia tries to explain
to Vera and Jack why she's moving in with Ray. Vera wonders who
fancies a woman not 2 minutes out of the maternity ward (I think
they left one inside her, and she'd better get back there pdq)
Jack thinks Ray is OK, but Vera is convinced she will lose Brad
Taxi: Alma tries to reason with Don, and asks to be
let out. She points out he has no driving licence, but he assures
her he remembers how to drive.
House: Audrey and Gail are round comforting Mavis,
but making heavy weather of it. Mavis touchingly relates how she
made Derek a cup of cocoa before realizing he wasn't there.
House: Jim opens the whiskey and tells Andy they are
going to drink together - a man's drink. Andy is unwilling to
go along with it, but Jim has that mad-dog look in his eye and
his Irish accent and vocabulary are prominent.
Taxi: Don is still driving, and Alma wearily asks why
he went the long way, and could he please take her home. He says
everyone should get off his back. He taunts her that she will
give a big tip, but he has to grab every little penny now he has
nothing left. Alma tries to be reasonable. He drives past their
road, and Alma demands he turn round. Don angrily tells her to
shut up, he will go where he wants. He activates the central locking.
Restaurant: Meanwhile, Mike and Frankie enjoy their
meal, and talk about Alma. He explains how attractive, independent
and fun-loving she is. He is certain she is having a good time
right now. (Taxi:) Actually she's beating on the window to get
out as Don skids to a halt. He says that like him, they are in
the middle of nowhere. Alma gets angry and threatens what Mike
will do when he finds out. Don is sick of hearing about Mike,
though, and says she isn't going home to Mike and he can't help
Rovers: Audrey needs a drink to get over Mavis' weak
tea. She foists herself and Gail on Rita and Alec.
House: Angie attempt to elicit more information from
Chris about Africa, but he evades the question. He flirts, and
she half-promises him 'something uncivilised' if he does the drying
Rovers: Vera pleads with Jack to prevent Tricia leaving.
He reasons that Tricia is right to take what Ray is offering.
At Rita's table the talk is all jokes about death; Audrey reckons
Alf will be next (judging by press reports on Bryan Mosley's health,
she may be right!) they have to be more sensible as Mavis arrives.
Taxi: Don demands Alma listen to how he feels, now
that all he had is gone. He maintains Baldwin cheated him out
of his business, his girlfriend and his driving licence. Alma
listens, then asks to go home. Don confesses he burnt the factory,
but he wishes that Mike had been inside at the time. Don's eyes
look crazy, and Alma gets distressed.
Rovers: Rita welcomes Mavis to join them as it is her
first time in the pub as a widow. Fred arrives, loudly, but decides
not to rescue Alec from the sombre gathering. Mavis is acutely
aware of being alone; Rita wisely says that Derek is gone, and
it is no use surrounding yourself with people, you will still
feel alone without him.
Taxi: Don has grabbed Alma's wrists as he rants about
the unfairness that he actually did Mike a favour and destroyed
the evidence that could have sent Mike to jail. Don knows that
the only thing of Mike's that he can now hurt is right there.
He orders her to get out. She refuses, and he grabs her.
House: Angie has had lots of wine, but it is white,
not red, so she isn't aphrodisiac'd by it. Consequently, when
Chris puts his arm around her, she angrily tells him to get off,
and that just because he lives there doesn't mean she is part
of the package. Chris looks as bemused as me.
Taxi: Don pins Alma against the car - she sobs and
pleads with him not to hurt her, she promises not to tell anyone.
He realises she thinks he's about to rape her and angrily shouts
that is not what he's after.
House: Jim is well into the first bottle of whiskey,
and as Andy stares out of the window he explains how proud he
used to be that Andy was at University, and that now he has thrown
it away, he will never be a man. Andy is unmoved. Jim tells him
that drinking a lot of whiskey will help him get over his disappointment
in his two sons. Andy laughingly suggests Jim stop drinking and
become a role model of a fantastic father.
Taxi: Don contemplates accepting Alma's 'offer' then
goes into a tirade about women who go out tarted up, begging for
it - ask any cabbie. Alma makes a bid for freedom and knees him
in the groin. He collapses groaning but recovers to chase her
up a steep bank.
Restaurant: Mike and Frankie appear to be getting on
House: Chris apologises to Angie, explaining that at
the party she was all over him. She says a snog doesn't mean anything,
and becomes quite feisty, though Chris remains calmly amused,
saying she is over-reacting.
Outside: Alma runs through deserted streets and fails
to flag down a car.
Rovers: Jamie is having to do his own homework for
a change, as his mate fell off a milk float. (No, it doesn't add
to the plot, I just thought you'd want to know.) Vera and Trish
continue to argue so Jamie is sent off. Trish flatters Vera by
saying how grateful she is to her and Jack, and Vera is like a
mother to her. She nevertheless regards Ray's offer as too good
to miss, and her chance to settle in a proper home.
House: Chris decides to go out. Angie apologises and
asks him to stay, but he goes anyway. She congratulates herself
ironically on her handling of the situation.
Outside: Alma's shoes are killing her and she collapses
as Don drives up, bundles her into the taxi and speeds off. He
says he will take her home, but Mike will not want her after this.
He tells her how depressed and despairing he has been. She tries
to tell Don she understands how he feels, because Mike is selfish
and hurts other people. She admits Mike tricked Don over the garage
but she didn't agree with Mike and they argued about it.
Rovers: Mavis leaves, and Audrey and Fred speculate
that if she had fed Derek more red meat maybe he wouldn't have
died (What is this - the anti-vegetarian plot line??!) Audrey
is getting very drunk and affectionate towards Fred. She obviously
didn't learn her lesson with Big Ron then.
House: Andy drinks coffee but Jim is still on whiskey.
Andy remarks he can smell it down the kitchen sink. (My theory
- Jim is not really drunk, he has swapped the whiskey for cold
tea and he's acting drunk in order to emotionally squeeze Andy)
Jim becomes aggressive and orders Andy to sit and drink with him.
Andy begs him to go to bed.
Restaurant: Mike and Frankie look flirtatiously into
each others eyes and have a conversation in double-speak about
lawyers needing to see their clients socially more when their
'affairs' become more complicated.
Taxi: Alma clearly thinks slagging off Mike and agreeing
with Don is a good tactic. She wants Don to seek professional
Rovers: Judy marches into the back to get Vera as she's
rushed off her feet. Vera is crying so Judy sits down as Vera
bemoans losing all those she has loved. A great scene from both
of them as Judy tenderly says everyone loves them, and she has
still got Jack - they were made for each other. Vera cheers up
and agrees to go back into the bar.
House: Jim is drinking heavily now and Andy tries to
stop him; Jim says it is his revenge on Andy for drinking his
Taxi: Driving into the waterfront area of Merchants
Quay, Alma is relieved to be home. She promises to keep quiet
but he doesn't believe her.
Rovers: Vera is in a very good mood.
House: Andy cries and apologises for hurting Jim, saying
he will do anything Jim wants. Jim is really slurring his words
as Andy agrees to sit his exams - only if Jim sobers up. Andy
goes to bed and Jim pours his glass of whiskey back into the bottle
with a rock-steady hand and sings softly to himself.
Taxi: Alma does her Samaritan bit by talking to Don
about the future. They agree if he planned to go to Canada to
see Nick it would give him something to look forward to. He says
he will take her home now.
Rovers: Percy becomes the butt of Audrey and Fred's
jokes. Vera decides to have an after hours drinking session for
everyone. Fred pays. He's having his funeral wake now, so he can
enjoy it! They joke about how Audrey will get home and Fred offers
to carry her. Gail makes a big thing of getting Judy to phone
Taxi: Outside Alma's flat, they notice the lights are
off so Mike is still out. Don is convinced she will phone the
police so drives off again. They grapple with the steering wheel
and two passers-by see the car slewing across the road - it nearly
runs them down. Don shouts 'LIAR LIAR' The car launches off the
side and falls in the water as Alma screams. The car silently
sinks, leaving only the roof thing with the number on it, floating
in the dark water.
Phew! what an episode. All the best, Helen
Friday 18 April
Here is the news for Sunday, April 20th
And in tonight's headlines,
Sunday 20 April
Alma and Don pulled from taxi crash
In the main story of the day: Alma and Don are pulled
from taxi crash at the Quays
News is just coming in of a savage twist in the long
running feud between Don and Baldwin. Although having lost his
licence last year, Don reportedly was driving a cab that crashed
through a barrier and into the water at the Quays last night.
Alma Baldwin was also in the taxi. Disaster was avoided by the
swift actions of two men, messers N.O. Cent and B.Y. Stander,
who dived into the water, rescued both people and called an ambulance.
I am joined in the studio now by N.O. Cent. Mr Cent,
"Call me Nobby"
All right. Nobby, tell us what happened.
"I was out with me mates till about 11:00 and
I was just making me way home with B.Y. when we sees this car
skidding down the road towards us. Well, I say the road, but it
was more a walkway really".
Could you see what was happening inside the car ?
"I didn't get much of a look see? There might
have been a struggle going on, I dunno. But I go 'Look out' and
we jump out of the way. The car goes straight past us and into
the water. "B.Y. goes 'Look, someone's got out', so I go
'Come on' and we dives in to get them. I grabs hold of the woman
and pulls her to the side see? and B.Y., he's a better swimmer
than me, he dives down and gets the man. The woman's pretty much
OK, but the man is out cold".
What happened when you got them on the shore?
"I goes ter the woman, 'Don't worry, the ambulance
is on it's way. We got yer friend out an all' an she goes barmy,
starts screamin' like, 'Keep him away, he tried to kill me'."
And you stayed with them till the ambulance came?
"Yer, and the Old Bill too. We told them what
had happened, but they go as 'ow she's just had a shock and maybe
she didn't really mean it. But I thought she meant it."
Thank you very much. And now we cross live to Weatherfield
General Hospital where Tom, your roving reporter, is speaking
to Mike Baldwin and Martin Platt.
Thank you very much Jerry. Now Mike, can you describe
your reactions when you heard the news?
"I'll kill 'im!"
I understand you were out until late yourself and didn't
know anything had happened until you checked your answer machine
on arriving home. Can you tell me what your thoughts were when
you found out Alma had been hurt?
"I'll kill 'im!"
I understand that Alma is shaken up, but suffering
physically only from minor cuts and bruises. When do you think
she will be returning home?
"I'll kill 'im!"
Thank you Mike. Now Martin, may I ask you a few questions?
How did you hear the news?
"Alma had given the hospital our Gail's name as
Don's next of kin. When I got home last night, they called and
told me he had been in an accident".
Were you surprised to find Mike here?
"Yes. When I arrived, Mike was just about to strangle
Don. Unfortunately he was prevented by the hospital staff".
Do you believe these accusations that Alma and Mike
"Well, it stands to reason that Don doesn't like
Mike, but I'm not so sure he would set out purposefully to kill
anyone. Well, maybe he might kill Mike, but not Alma. All the
same, he has been acting very strangely lately".
Is Don going to pull through?
"He is still unconscious at present, but the doctors
think he should come 'round soon".
Thank you Martin and Mike. Now back to you Tom.
Terry "the Duck" returns.
Trish, hearing an intruder in the bar late last night,
went down to investigate and surprised none other than Terry Duckworth.
Crime and felony has been so rife on the street lately that Terry
is likely to be viewed as comparatively a model citizen by most
members of the community. I'm joined in the studio now by Trish.
Trish, how do you fell about Terry's return.
"I dunno Jerry, I just dunno. When I saw him standing
there, me 'eart gave a great lurch like it was trying to break
out of me chest. I could hear me own heart beating in me ears."
I understand you were just in the process of moving
in with Ray. Is the return of Terry likely to change your plans?
"The thing is, Jerry, Ray is a good man. I know
he is. He is great with the kids, reliable, loving, a good cook
and he has a good job and detached house. I had been thinking
that moving in with him would be a new start for us, a chance
for a real life. But he just doesn't make my pulse race. I thought
that I was past the pulse racing stage, but now I dunno".
Are you really prepared to throw away your new life
of security and love for the uncertainty and abusiveness of Terry
"I dunno Jerry. If you could feel what I feel
when I look at Terry, perhaps you'd understand. What is a boring
life of security compared to the thrill of winning Terry? Oh I
know, I'm a fool to meself. I'm always attracted to the bad ones.
I dunno what I'll do."
Thank you Trish. Good luck with whatever you decide.
In tonight's closing headline, Chris gives Angie
the run around
Rejected harshly by Angie last night, Chris lost no
time in telling every man in the street what had happened. Kev
finally managed to get rid of him when Angie came looking for
Chris to give him his door key.
"If you're goin' ter walk out on a woman, you
should make sure you can get back in" is Kevin's amused response.
Chris reported, rather more morosely "Angie treats me like
she's my grannie".
tara for now - another Kevin
Terry "the Duck" returns
Chris gives Angie the run around
Here is the news for Monday, April 21st. And this is
Jerry Ledbetter reading it.
In tonight's main headlines:
Monday 21 April
Trish changes her plans about Ray
Trish changes her plans about Ray
In a shock move today, Trish confided to friends that
she had decided not to move in with Ray, but to try to make a
go of things with Terry. This news has been greeted with some
concern by Jack and Vera. Vera is reported to have told Terry,
"If you don't want to know, pay her off; we've managed quite
well enough without you". Privately, however, Vera is said
to be relieved that Terry has returned and sees the change as
being likely to mean that Brad stays at the Rover's.
Notwithstanding, Jack and Terry do not see eye to eye.
Upon being thanked by Terry for looking after Brad for him, Jack
responded "For YOU?" and refused to let Jamie be awakened
so Terry could have a bed for the night. The failure of Terry
to remember Trish's name only added to Jack's pessimism about
the "new leaf" claimed to have been turned by his son.
I'm joined in the studio now by Trish and Jamie. Trish,
what did Terry say when you asked him where he'd been?
"He told me that he had been working hard to pay
his girlfriend in Sheffield back the money he owed her".
Didn't he run out on her last year?
"Oh he had to leave her because he had fallen
in love with me on those two nights we spent together. He couldn't
go through with marrying her while loving me now could he?"
If he does love you, why didn't he come back to find
"That is the saddest part of the whole story Jerry.
He hated himself for being so unfaithful - didn't think he was
good enough for me. It's all dead romantic".
Thank you Trish. Jamie, how do you feel about the turn
your life has taken?
"I don't see why she 'as ter go with 'im. 'E's
ner good, yer can see it. I don' wan' ter leave Jack an' the pigeons
an' I don't see why I should. Yesterday it was all Ray, Ray Ray.
Now it's Terry, Terry, Terry. Who will it be termorrer? She says
it's all complicated, but it always is with 'er. An' I'm expected
ter tag along behind. It's not fur".
Thank you Jamie. We wish you all the best whoever you
In a shock move today Don has been sectioned for 72
hours. This is so his mental state can be assessed to determine
whether or not he is to be arrested following last Friday's kidnapping
and attempted rape and murder. Don claims to have no memory at
all of that evening. Social workers told Gail and Martin that
the section could be extended by up to six months if Don's condition
Gail blames herself for Don's attack
Gail refused to see Don in hospital today, confiding
in social workers that, "Don has been sick for a long time"
and "If they need any evidence against him they can come
to me". The reason for this behaviour became clear later
when Martin and she visited Mike and Alma, released from hospital
earlier today. In a shock expose, Gail related to the Baldwins
how Don had terrorised ex-street resident Denise by a series of
intimidating phone calls. Shortly after that he had shagged Bet
Gilroy, and even then the danger signals hadn't been acted upon.
Mike is reported to have responded to Gail's admission
of covering up Don's dangerous past with the words "She's
sorry? It is Alma who ended up being very sorry". Alma was
not available for comment.
Two brief items of news to close:
Chris unimpressed by Angie's apology
In a record breaking third apology, Angie tried to
smooth things over with Chris again today. Her approach "I
feel that friends should share the bills and not a life"
failed when Chris told her to get out of his space at the bar.
Mavis challenged over allotment
Mr Gaskill of Weatherfield allotments, put his foot
in more than his wellies today on his return from the Netherlands.
Finding his allotment overgrown, he rushed to "The Kabin"
to demand of Mavis why Derek had not looked after it as he had
promised. Having been told that Derek is now pushing up daisies,
he repented of his harsh words and promised to bring the matter
up at the next committee meeting.
Mavis is reported to be unsure about whether to keep
the allotment on as a tribute to Derek. "I feel that Derek
is slipping away from me. My life revolved around him" she
confided to Rita. Rita's tear jerking response was "His life
revolved around you too. That's why you were so happy together".
Gail blames herself for Don's attack
Chris unimpressed by Angie's apology
Mavis challenged over allotment
A THOUSAND GREETINGS, and I hope it's been a wonderful
week for you!
I am not a devotee of what is known as "Real
Ale" but I am always up for a new experience, so last weekend
I went to a local Beer Festival, where many of the UK's small
independent brewers proudly show their wares to the beer-loving
I wandered around the hall for a while, until I
spied the stand of a brewer I had never heard of called Weatherfield
Breweries. The fellow manning the stand looked a jolly sort; ruddy
of visage, wearing a flat cap, carpet slippers and a highly patterned
I waited until he had finished talking to the previous
'customer' and sidled up to the stand. He had a distinctive northern
"Street fan are we, sir....Coronation Street
fan?" I said I was rather keen on it, as it happened, and
asked him about the name of the Brewery and about the ales on
show. "Aye sir...Weatherfield Breweries...established in
1976 behind t'Red Rec in Weatherfield. Locals like a joke, you
know, and call us Gluten and Piddly, but we tek it all in uz stride!"
Me: Oh! Like Newton and Ridley?
Him: Got it in one sir! Like to sample some o't
fine Ales, sir, each one lovingly created by masta brewers with
a particular Street character in mind!
There were many quarter-pint glasses full of vastly
different-looking ales, ranged on the mock-up bar in front of
me, so I thought I would accept his offer.
These Real Ales often have wonderfully vivid names,
don't you think?
These are the beers I tried, and I have added one
or two comments on the relative merits of each:
Wednesday 23 April
A wee bit overblown for its own good, and liable to repeat on
you, I say liable to repeat.
Well past its best, this one. Likely to be withdrawn soon, I'd
A fine body on this one, but inclined to be a bit too fruity for
my taste. In fact I had to scamper to the toilet after drinking
This one travels well. It doesn't really give what you'd call
a shot in the arm, more a shot in the leg!
Some very rough edges to this one...the head's really quite offensive...
Often found in very large glasses. I preferred this one straight
from the neck, however.
Very fizzy. Too bubbly by half. No head to speak of. Pretty worthless,
all in all.
Gorgeous colour...fine, smooth complexion. Available again soon,
A much neglected, rich and mature pint with a fine reddish head.
Been around for what seems like an eternity, this one!
Didn't care for this one at all. Very bitter...probably too many
Very strong in its own way...a beer that knows where it's going.
One sip and my hair was standing on end, and I was seeing stars!
This one hasn't been around for a while, but it's just been released.
Unreliable...a bit unstable....one sip and your eyeballs could
disappear inside their sockets!
Now this is what we should be seeing more of these days....very
strong...dependable...not much to look at...a milk stout really,
I suppose. Packs quite a punch. So good it could have been strained
through a hairnet! They don't make 'em like this any more!
Could be coming in a bottle soon, I hear!
There was one empty glass, with Queen 'O't Street
emblazoned on it.
Me: Who does this one refer to?
Him: That were our most popular brew ever. You won't
see it n'more round Weatherfield. Whether it'll ever come back.....who
Me: There are a couple missing...what about Sue
Jeffers and Ken Barlow?
Him: Oh, we don't do whisky, sir...you want Teachers....through
in t'other hall!!
Here is the update...
It's morning at the pub, and Jamie wonders where Terry
is, when he should have been still sleeping on the sofa. Clearly
he has spent the night in the arms of the mother of his youngest
child, not on the sofa at all. A very perky looking Tricia comes
in and takes a mug of tea up to him. She parks the baby onto Vera,
who is very pleased with the way things are going, as it might
mean Tricia will be staying, along with the fruit of Terry's loins.
Ugh! Let them make their own mistakes, she tells Jack.
A very worried Ashley is at No 8, where he's telling
Gail and Martin about not being able to pay any rent to Don all
the while he's 'detained'. He says that official looking envelopes
are arriving, which might need prompt attention. Later, just as
anxious, he confides in Fred, telling him of Don's admission of
guilt over the arson incident. "He told me it were 'im"
he says. He even tries to borrow £77 from Fred to settle
one of the bills on Don's behalf. Fred says Ashley's not family,
so it's not really his problem. Ashley says Don has been admitted
to a mental hospital, a fact of which Fred was hitherto unaware.
Ashley's suggestion of going to the police is ruled out by his
As they leave the pub, Fred tells Ashley to open all
the letters which arrive, and to forget the "other business"
ie the fire, and that he shouldn't feel guilty about not
reporting his suspicions. Ashley eventually opens a letter from
the Building Society which reveals that Don is six months behind
with the mortgage. Fred advises him to leave the lodgings.
Natalie drives up to the garage, where Angie gets (presumably)
her first glimpse of her. Angie reckons she looks like "one
of those women who go about with no knickers on, just to get a
secret thrill." I nearly choked on my red wine (one lives
in hopes) to hear such a line uttered in dear old Coronation Street!
I had no idea there were women who did such a thing! I sometimes
go out without a vest on, but that doesn't give me a thrill, just
a chill! Possibly a kind reader will enlighten me as to what manner
of thrill could be experienced by this flagrant foolhardiness
in the undergarment department? Generations of Worsfolds have
sworn by the reinforced double-sewn gusset AT ALL TIMES. Perhaps
I have lived too sheltered a life thus far?
Anyway, she has come to ensnare Kev, in the form of
her cooking the evening meal for him and the kids. She will not
take no for an answer (perhaps Angie was right?) so Kev sort-of
agrees. He must have diverted her from her original plan somehow,
as later they are drinking together in the Rovers. She's telling
him how "evil" her husband is. She goes to the bar for
a refill of their glasses, and as she does so, he looks at her
in a different way for the first time. You know the sort of look....kind-of
eyes her up and down, taking in the contours.
For all I know, they might have had the meal at his
place before they went for the drink, but we never get to see
it. He declares her unfit to drive, and tells her he'll call a
taxi from Weatherfield Sub-Aqua Cabs Ltd. I imagined Jacques Cousteau
at the wheel....."where can I take you ma cherie? et pourquoi
vous ne portez pas le sensible gusset?" She might reply "tiens,
Jacques...je ne porte jamais le sensible gusset quand je suis
Wilf Gaskell comes to the Kabin. He has brought Derek's
old gardening outils back to Mavis, in the hopes of getting her
to keep the allotment on, as a form of therapy. They aller to
her place, where she makes a cup of tea. He is talking from the
lounge while she's in the kitchen. He's saying what a great comfort
it is to have les enfants around to support you when a loved one
dies. "Did you and Derek have any children, Mavis?"
he inquires. But answer came there none from la cuisine.
I'm getting the hang of this French lark now....there's
no stopping moi!
Chez Des, Chris brings his art-student girlfriend home.
Mandy, this is Angie...Andie this is Mandy. Mandy is suitably
impressed that Chris habites avec une frock-designer. Chris and
his oiseau go upstairs, and Angie later tells him off for being
so noisy pendant le rumpeh-pumpeh. (I don't think that term translates
all that well.) He says she's just jealous!
The histoire principale ce soir is of course the re-established
relationship entre Tricia et le grand toe-rag, Terry. She has
clearly tombee'd for his oily charm and she's prepared to throw
in her lot with him. Terry says he takes his responsibilities
tres seriousement. Quelle bloody lies!!
He says if he'd known she was avec un bun-dans-le-oven,
he wouldn't have scarpered. When Tricia's out of the room, he
makes a pass at Samantha. She gives him a very clear blank. Wise
Jack makes sure the subject of Ray comes up in the
conversation, so Tricia tells le grand toe-rag that it was nothing
serious with him.
Later in the pub, she's there avec Terry, and Ray arrives.
He goes to kiss her, but she pulls away, and introduces the lads
to each other. Words are exchanged. Not friendly ones, either.
"She's coming with me......NO she's coming avec moi"
asserts le grand toe-rag. Soon, they both rise to their feet and
square up, as though it's going to be fisticuffs, but the situation
is diffused. Vera allows herself a crafty grin, as it looks like
Tricia has decided to stay with Terry.
She later goes to see Ray, to say sorry. Encore une
fois, he asks her to come and rester la, but it seems she's already
decided. She cries, and says it will be better for l'enfant, being
avec it's vrai pere. "I love him" she blubs.
For the last scene of the night, nous see le grand
toe-rag searching the room at the pub. Eventually, il trouve what
he's been looking for....a red cash box!! Quelle horreur! Furtivement,
he opens it and peers inside...he lifts out the tray, but we don't
get to voir what's in there! It could be empty, it could contain
boucoups de cash!
He grins, right smirkily.
Bonne nuit, et j'adore tout le monde!
Rovers: Tricia re-affirms to Terry her love for him
and her thrill at having him around the baby. He is decidedly
uncomfortable, but agrees to her request to accompany him out
for a breath of fresh air. Vera is delighted they are getting
on so well.
Flat: Mike invites Alma out to lunch but she prefers
to stay in. He reassures her that he will protect her, but it
isn't that she is afraid, it is that she doesn't want everyone
looking at and talking about her.
Rovers: Ashley asks Jack's advice, as a friend of Don's,
about the unpaid bills. Jack tells Ashley not to worry about it,
and that Don has more important things on his mind than owing
a few pounds. Chris asks Kevin if he can move in with him and
Rosie, as he has 'woman trouble'. In the yard, Jack is doing the
crates as Ray arrives - he has come to apologise to Tricia. Jack
has to tell him that she is out with Terry and the baby. Ray seems
resigned to the fact that Tricia has chosen Terry. Jack expresses
his regrets, saying she didn't know when she was well off, as
Terry is no good to anyone.
Street: Gary coos over little Brad, but Judy is off-hand
with Terry and Trish. They meet Ray leaving the pub but Terry
bundles her away. Ray calls after her that she knows where he
is. Kev confides to Chris that Natalie fancies him, and although
Chris's advice is to 'get stuck in' Kev isn't interested. Wilf
Gaskell is on the street, and although he is plainly looking in
completely the opposite direction when Mavis appears at the door
of the Kabin, he goes in and says he saw her. Mavis seems very
agitated, (as you would at a man with eyes in the back of his
head,) and when he invites her to go for a drink later she rounds
on him, fiercely telling him it's not on. He leaves, and Rita
is concerned at Mavis's reaction.
Rovers: Domestic bliss rules at the Rovers as Terry
spins Vera a yarn about getting a job nearer, him and Tricia buying
a house nearby. Jack is unconvinced, he goes off to the bar, making
sure they know he has 3 days' money to prepare for the bank.
Street: Kevin is less than thrilled when Natalie turns
up at the garage. He fobs her off when she says she has business
to discuss, but she intends to call at the house later. The best
advice Chris can offer is to lie back and think of England.
Rovers: Jack intends to go to the bank to deposit an
envelope full of money in the night safe. Terry offers to go,
Jack declines. Vera urges Jack to show he trusts Terry and let
him help, so Jack does.
House: Natalie arrives as Kevin is giving Rosie her
tea. With a mouthful of fish finger, little Rosie delivers her
House: Rita goes to see Mavis to express her concern
at the way Mavis treated Wilf. Mavis knows she was rude, and intends
to go to see him to apologise.
House: Kevin and Natalie share a bottle of wine as
she flatters him by telling him how much she enjoys his company.
He supposes there's no harm in it.
Rovers: It is getting late, and Terry has not returned.
Jack seems unperturbed when he tells Vera that the takings were
£2000. Vera presumes Terry has stolen the money and blames
Jack for letting him go. Terry then bursts into the bar, fuming
that there was no money in the envelope, only bits of newspaper.
He squirms like a politician on the Today programme when Jack
inquires why he opened the envelope instead of putting it in the
safe like he was supposed to. Vera is appalled to realise that
Jack set a trap and Terry fell in it. Jack supposes that the reason
he took so long was that he was already on a train somewhere before
he realised there was no money.
House: Chris arrives home; Angie apologises and admits
to being jealous of his girlfriend, he says he fancies Angie really,
and has done since they met. Then he immediately upsets her by
suggesting they go to play hide the sausage. She protests it was
only yesterday he had someone else in his bed; he's unconcerned.
She concludes it's an age thing.
Rovers: Jack, Vera, Terry and Trish have gone into
the back to have a massive row and disrupt RJamie's television
viewing. Trash at first defends Terry, but soon gets upset when
he announces he is leaving and she won't be accompanying him.
Meanwhile, Jamie has answered the door to Ray, who gets angry
when he sees Terry push Trash aside, so he thumps Terry. Ray tries
to go to comfort Trash but she rushes to Terry's side. Ray turns
on his heel in disgust and leaves.
House: Kevin is really out of his depth as Natalie
speculates on what he would be like as a partner for pleasure
instead of business. She stresses that she will not make him do
anything he doesn't want to. He says he likes her but he and Sally
are happy and he doesn't want to ruin that. She decides to leave.
Street: As Rita leaves Mavis's she meets Terry in the
street, wiping his bloody nose; he rudely brushes aside her offer
of help. At Kevin's door Natalie strokes her hand lingeringly
across his ear and cheek as she says goodnight. Who should be
passing but the Big Red Wig herself? She purses her lips and calls
goodnight. Kevin snaps out of his reverie and he realises, as
do we, that next time he's heading for a lecture from Auntie Rita.
Awards: You know it has been a cracking episode when:
Friday 25 April
1 Jack addresses Vera as 'my little swamp duck'
That's all folks - Helen
2 Rita addresses any female as 'Laydeh'
3 Young Jamie feigns indifference as the adults around him go
(4 Mrs. Mutton doesn't appear)
Here is the news for Sunday the 27th April. This is
Jerry Ledbetter reading it.
In tonight's headlines:
Sunday 27 April
Ray rejected yet again
Ray rejected yet again
In a surprise move today Jack visited Ray hoping to
reconcile him with Trish. Later Ray called at "The Rover's"
but failed to get Trish to change her mind and move in with him.
Your Roving Reporter, Tom, has Trish with him in the radio car.
Are you there Tom?
Yes, thank you very much Jerry. Now Trish, I understand
it has been a difficult day for you.
"Yes Tom. It were so embarrassing, 'aving to apologise
to Jack and Vera. Oh Vera were nice about it. She said not to
worry, said Jack didn't mind. But I am so sorry. It's not Jack's
fault; I don't know why Vera says it is".
I understand that Ray came over to see you this afternoon.
"Yes Tom, he came to say he wasn't sorry, not
for thumping Terry anyway. He wanted to know if I were still hankering
after Terry, but I told him I'm not that stupid. He is a good
man Ray; he asked me if I still wanted to move in with him".
Did you agree to that?
"No. If there is one thing that is clear from
all this, it is that I don't really love Ray. I do care about
him, but if I really loved him I wouldn't have hurt him like that.
So, no, there's no future for me and Ray. I wish there were but
Thank you Trish. Now back to you Jerry.
Panic at travel shop
Sources close to Alec report that he has had to put
in extra hours at the shop with Dierdre, trying to get things
tidied up before the surprise visit by an old enemy, Adam Newbold,
now an executive at Sunliners. I'm joined in the studio now by
Harvey Nutthall of Nutthall's Brewery.
I understand you were there when it happened Harvey.
"Oh no, the visit isn't until tomorrow. But I
was there to see Alec work on a Sunday, which is something I never
thought I'd see. I was just passing on me way to see Jack, when
I noticed Alec was in. I'd been wanting to see him anyway about
booking some acts for me pubs, so I went in for a word."
"I told him, 'None of your rubbish acts mind,
no paper tearing and no dogs. I want to see the acts audition
tomorrow'. And that's when he told me about the visit. He said
not tomorrow because of that, and I suppose he doesn't want his
bosses finding out he uses their premises to run his own business.
Using their telephone, heating, rates and all."
Panic at travel shop
Don transferred to prison
Tough beef scandal hits Betty's Hotpot
Kevin explains to Rita
"Alec is a canny type, but he doesn't make many
friends. I went straight 'round to tell Jack all about it".
Thank you Harvey.
Don transferred to prison
The news broke today that Don has been assessed as
fit to stand trial and has been transferred to prison in the meantime.
Although somewhat expected, the move met with mixed reactions.
Gail and Mike are pleased, but Alma is worried that, if a trial
takes place, she will be expected to undergo the experience again
in the witness box.
Tough beef scandal hits Betty's Hotpot
Two complaints about the quality of meat in "The
Rover's" famous hotpot caused a falling out between Betty
and Vera today. Betty, who buys the meat from "Bettabuys"
to save Vera money has been warned by her boss that things must
improve or she will have to get the meat from Elliott's instead.
Other sources point out, however, that one of the complaints
came from Fred himself and the other from Audrey who, as everyone
knows, is never happy with anything. It is rumoured that the whole
scandal was orchestrated by Fred in a campaign to increase his
And a brief item of news to close, Kevin explains
In an attempt to stop Rita telling Sally about Natalie's
late night meeting at his house, Kevin has seen Rita and explained
the situation. Rita is alleged to have responded rather threateningly,
"I hope I won't have to tell her", but has promised
to keep quiet for the moment.
"I don't care if he can get Shirley Bassey for
a packet of pork scratchings!" Vera, only minutes before
she gets involved in yet another "madcap" scheme which
would be better suited to children's comedy series "Rentaghost".
Vera and Jack are in the front room: Jack wants to
talk about hiring a music act to make more money for the Rovers,
while Vera launches into a long monoliquy about how when R Terreh
was born he looked up into her eyes and it was as if he already
knew her. Trash emerges from upstairs, having previously been
engaged in not brushing her hair, and starts moping about how
she's burnt all her bridges and can never go back to Carl now.
Betty appears and everyone falls silent. "Continue talking!"
snaps Betty. "I don't care about any of your personal lives."
Meanwhile, Alec is preparing for the visit of Somebody,
who is the Sunliners Manager or something (why do I never pay
attention to new characters unless they have big hair?) Seconds
before he arrives, Jack appears, wanting Alec to do him a favour
and get him cheap singing acts. Alec is not interested and it
turns nasty, with Alec threatening, in that Hylda Baker voice
of his "I can be a very dangerous enemy, Jack Duckworth".
We have now descended right into Terry and June sitcom territory,
because the Manager appears at that moment and hears Alec's threat.
But Drear (who is able to sniff out new meat quicker
than anyone else) leaps forward, adjusting her hemline and croaks
"I'm Deirdre, ask me!" The Manager knows a sure thing
when he sees it and disappears in the back with Drear, who can't
believe her luck.
Later, the manager wants to meet Joyce the cleaner
for some reason, which causes Alec to get flustered. Drear says
"Well, it's unfortunate but she's..." and before she
can say "dead", Alec shrieks "off ill with flu."
The mangager says he will see her on Wednesday, and then Alec
admits to Drear that he's been claiming her wages and has not
told anyone that she died. Drear sucks in her cheeks and looks
pleased with herself.
So back at the Rovers, Alex smarms up to Jack - they
strike a deal - he will get Jack cheap singing acts, if Jack persuades
Vera to step into Joyce's shoes for the afternoon. Vera, is of
course, appalled and refuses to have anything to do with it, which
means, of course, that come Wednesday she will be running a duster
over Drear's computer and saying "Just call me Joyce".
Back in the Miserable World of Trash, our common heroine
is soliciting advice from Judy, who tells her to go and patch
things up with Carl. Trash wonders if it is all worth it. Judy,
the prototype Ricki Lake watcher is always able to force her point
home with homespun advice and a large selction of insults. For
example: "You prat!" she tells Trish at one point.
Who is this woman? I have not been keeping up with
developments on a regular basis, so my only glimpse of her up
to now had been in a torn up copy of The Sun (not my own). I have
decided that I hate her already. She is like "much-loved"
professional Liverpudlian, Margi Clark, but without the Liverpudlian
For some reason Kevin (who I always thought had better
taste) has become infatuated with her, and gets her to come to
the garage on some pretext (a bounced cheque). She tells him off
for wasting her time, and then tries to smoulder at him. Kevin
- get some sense. This woman could teach Liz McDonald new tricks.
If you are going to have an affair (which is somehow more unlikely
than Curly being involved with 3 women over Christmas), then at
least do it with someone who appears attractive on the surface
like Fiona or Maxine or Chris.
Angie and Mike have a meeting in a restaurant, so that
Angie can reveal her new plans for a range of unisex underwear.
(What are the writers playing at?) Mike immediately comes out
with lots of "the bottom line" jokes, which Angie ignores,
telling him that she wants to be a partner with him in a business
development. "Have you heard of Britex?" she asks. "It's
a big company in London." Understandably, Mike has never
heard of it. Neither have we. Britex, Kaybeck. Who invents these
But Mike is suitably impressed and whizzes off home
to tell Alma about it. Meanwhile, Alma has other plans and wants
to go and live somewhere where there is sunshine and palm trees.
Mike doesn't have the heart to tell her that she's going to have
to stay put while he makes underwear with Angie.
In an unrelated development, Angie and Chris exchange
insults and bitter comments, in their non-relationship. They may
as well be in a relationship though, considering the way they
Ashley visits Don in prison (wearing the familiar red
hockey-team vest, which probably still has Steve McDonald's sweat
marks on). Don tells Ashely that he had nothing against Alma -
he just wanted to get back at Mike, and he is glad she is not
He also asks Ashely to throw away the key to Mike's
garage (which he hid in a clock). Apparently, Don believes that
attempted murder is a less serious crime than burning down a factory
(maybe it isn't, I don't know), so he wants Ashley to destroy
the evidence. Ashley looks reluctant, and leaves. On the way out
he passes a detective who questions him - Ashley quivers noticeabley
- the policeman's spidey senses are alerted.
Back home, Ashley gets the key from the clock (putting
his fingerprints all over it). Then Martin knocks at the door,
so he puts it back.
Meanwhile, the police question Don, and easily trick
him (without even trying) into confessing that he used the key.
Don thinks Ashley has talked, so to pay him back, he tells the
police that Ashley burnt down the garage. "He'll do anything
for me that lad. More like a son to me." Poor Ashley, maybe
when he is incarcerated he will be lucky enough to have Don as
his "Daddy" on the inside too. Credits.
Marks Out of 10. 5. An average episode, trying to concentrate
more on cosy humour than anything else. Only Fred Elliot and "Betty's
Hotspot" were missing.
Glamour: Alma has finally managed to get the seaweed
out of her hair - you would hardly think that she had been through
such an ordeal. Anti-glamour: Trash - when that girl lets herself
go, she really lets herself go.
Monday 28 April
A THOUSAND GREETINGS and have you noticed how quickly
Wednesday comes around!
A couple of weeks ago, a free copy of Beverly Callard's
(LIZ McDONALD) latest exercise video came into my possession.
It promised to entirely reshape my body in ten short weeks, so
the other night I thought I'd start the regimen and take the first
tentative steps towards a new me.
I wore my purple lycra figure-hugging all-in-one outfit.
It's the one I used to wear for aqua-aerobic line-dancing down
the local swimming pool every second Monday night. I had to stop
going after the repeated unpleasantness and wholly unwelcome remarks
in the unisex changing rooms afterwards, but that's another story.
I know that woman was only trying to help, but people should know
where to draw the line! There was absolutely no call for a letter
to the newspaper!
So I did the workout while watching the video, gently
at first, just as Liz told me. I clenched my buttocks, flexed
my pectorals, (I didn't even know I had pectorals until then)
and pulled my tummy in, along with the rest of her 'class' on
the screen. They all looked far better than me, as they were wearing
flab-concealing designer costumes which even made one fearsome-looking
old trout look like she had the sleek and svelte form of supermodel
On the entire video, the most wonderful instruction
from Liz is when she says "now...lie flat on yerrr tummy....yeah,
you've got it...now really clench yerrr buttocks with all yerrr
might....tighter....tighter....imagine yev got a ten pound note
in therr and someone's trying to pull it out!" I died with
laughter. I just collapsed. I missed the next three moves because
I was incapable of standing! Dominic offered to call an ambulance.
Maybe Liz goes to some of the same clubs as me after
Anyway the end of the tape finally came. I was exhausted,
and very happy I had not actually paid for the tape.
A smiling, perspiring Liz said good bye and that was
it. I flopped back onto the settee to recover for a few minutes,
and let the tape run. After about eight minutes of white noise,
some text appeared on the screen. This is what it said "20,000
copies of this video have been produced and sold. This is number
20,000, and some of the lads in the film-crew decided it might
be a nice idea to leave this extra couple of minutes on the tape,
just to make it a collector's edition.....Beverly Callard had
no idea the cameras were still rolling.....ENJOY, and thank you
for buying Edition 20,000"
I shall describe what appeared:
5..4..3..2..1.......thank you studio, thank you Bev...relax
everybody..I think that's it.
BEV: Oh bloody 'ell, thank god that's over. If any
bastard asks me to do another one of these bloody fitness videos,
the answers nurrrrr! They said I'd cop for ten grand from the
last one, and I only cleared four.....TARQUIN....TARQUIN...???
where's me fags? Call yourself a bloody personal assistant! I'm
gaggin' here! You better not 'ave eaten all me bloody doughnuts,
either. I counted 'em, you nurr. If there's not twelve left in
that bag when I get over therrr, someone's in for a right good
slappin, I'm telling yer, so think on!
Two of her 'class' approach her gingerly and ask for
an autograph, saying it's been great to work with her.
BEV: Nurrr, I'm off duty! Before you go, get these
damn trainers off me. Bloody things are at least two sizes too
small. I deserve an extra five 'undred quid for 'aving to wear
'em like that!
A lighted cigarette is passed to her from the left.
She is still flopped into a chair, her lycra-clad legs splayed.
BEV: Me throat's a dry as a nun's armpit here, who
do I 'ave to kill to get a bloody drink?
A young studio junior brings in a glass of freshly-squeezed
orange on a tray.
BEV: Are you bloody kiddin' me eh? I'll see you never
work with top showbiz stars again unless you get me a PROPER DRINK..I've
been floggin' me body in 'ere for the last three days...sweatin
me *** off, to put it politely.
A man wearing headphones brings her a pint of very
dark and heavy- looking beer which she downs in about ten seconds.
BEV: Didn't even touch the bloody sides...I'll have
Her personal assistant, Tarquin, brings her the bag
of jam doughnuts, and she eats five on the trot, slapping him
around the head in between each one for not getting any Belgian
chocolates and fresh cream eclairs as well.
BEV: You nurr very well Tarquin, I've told you before,
my body's a bloody temple, right?
A voice from somewhere off camera: "Bev, sorry
love, but we're going to have to do the last thirty minutes again.
We've just seen the rushes and there's the teensiest little wet
patches under your arms, and we can't have that, ok love?"
BEV: THIRTY MINUTES?....AGAIN?....NOW? (she stands
up and looks right into the camera as she says) Look sunshine,
I don't care if you did direct the Halfords Bicycle Maintenance
Video Parts One and Three...that doesn't cut any ice wi' me! I'm
a bloody star, me! The answer's bloody nurrrr! In fact you can...........
.......and the screen goes blank. So ends the Collectors
Edition. Any offers?
(By the way, in order to keep me out of court, you
do realise none of the above is true, don't you? The video is
actually fine, and Ms Callard approaches the task with consummate
Here is the update:
As Ashley gets the incriminating keys from their hiding
place inside the clock, the postman and milkman are going about
their morning business outside. He replaces the keys, for now.
The girls from the salon are placing their advertising boards
on the pavement, and a very preoccupied young butchers boy walks
by, not even acknowledging Maxines advice to "cheer up..it
might never 'appen"
Kev arrives at the garage, where Chris is already twiddling
with a car engine. Kev asks if there have been any calls, which
gives Chris the chance to inquire if he's expecting anyone specific
to call. Then Kevin tells Chris that if he sees him being a bit
less frosty to Natalie in future, it will all be for the good
of the firm. Oh yeah? I've heard it all now!
At the pub, Jack tells Alec that Vera will not play
the part of the recently deceased Joyce, in order to get him off
the hook with his boss, Mark Newbold. Tricia walks in carrying
the bairn, and so Alec thinks she might fit the bill, and offers
her a new pair of trainers for Jamie if she'll step into the breech.
She never grasps what he's proposing, and he's left cursing Jack,
and still wondering where he can obtain his phantom office cleaner.
His next port of call is the Kabin, where he is just
about to offer the acting role of the century to Rita, when Judy
walks in, so he shuts up pronto. He can hardly discuss impersonating
Judy's dead mother in front of her. Not even Alec would contemplate
Later Rita calls at the travel office (having got the
full story from Vera) to give him a right good tongue lashing,
when the boss himself arrives. Alec is by now panic-stricken.
Mr. Newbold sees Rita and assumes she is Joyce. He thanks her
for all her hard work, which is greatly appreciated. With tremendous
reluctance and much meaningful face pulling, Rita goes along with
the lie, and Alec is therefore off the hook. He pushes his luck
by telling Rita "Make sure you give those venetian blinds
a good fettlin'...you missed them last week" Rita pulls yet
another face. This one says, "I'll have you for this, you
Sure enough, her chance comes later in the pub, when
Judy is talking about wanting some nice monument for her mother.
Rita and Alec are at the bar and Rita sees her chance. Out of
Judy's hearing, she feels sure Alec will provide, say £300
from Joyce's 'backpay' to finance a nice plaque! Smart move Rita!
In the cafe, Kev gets very prickly when his father
makes a remark about him being glad when Sally gets back. Vera
is in there, having taken young Brad for his clinic appointment.
As she's leaving, she meets Ray. They have a short conversation
about Tricia, which amounts to very little really, but leaves
the jilted decorator staring pensively at the floor, as though
he's resolving to do summat.
Alma is getting quite excited at the prospect of starting
a new life in the sun. Florida is uppermost on her wish-list,
and she's making one or two calls to find out some details. They
can get a nice place for 80,000 quid, it seems. Mike fends her
off, stalling for time, because he is carrying optimistic thoughts
of some sort of partnership with Angie, so the last thing he wants
to hear is plans for upping sticks and moving to the other side
of the world. "Florida is all dry Martinis and passion fruit"
Mike and Angie share a couple of good scenes where
garment power- politics are played out. He has done some homework,
and gives her a folder containing likely customers for their new
and exciting range of unisex knickers. All this is a bit previous,
as no agreement on a partnership has been thrashed out yet. She's
looking for 50/50, but there's some bluff and double bluff going
on. Percentages are haggled over, and Angie even says perhaps
she should be approaching someone younger and more dynamic. This
is one dangerous girl! She exploits men's weaknesses by playing
on their vanity.
(Look, ladies, we're weak....us men...we're all weak.
You know that...we know that. Don't make us miserable by using
our own weakness against us. We don't know how to respond. We're
not half as clever as you. Some of us are downright dim. You know
that too. Make allowances for us. Forgive us. Always. Whatever
we've said that was bad, we didn't mean it...on the other hand,
if we said something that was good, we meant every word.)
Natalie leaves the garage (although we didn't get to
see her arrive) with the books she needs for the accountant. Kev
has a vain stab at being charming with a line something like "you
don't have to rush off so soon, do you?" thereby delivering
TV Drama Cliche Number 234. She doesn't fall for his charm, and
exits without Kev being able to deploy further verbal seduction
technique. Young Kev has changed his tune, and now Mrs. H is making
him work at it by playing hard to get, all of a sudden.
The main storyline concerns Ashley.
Fred had advised him to go to the police with the keys,
and to tell all he knows about Don's confession. So the youngster,
following his uncle's advice, picks up the keys, and is on the
verge of taking them to the police, when they arrive at the door.
He proffers said keys, to save them looking all over the house,
and they whisk him down to the nick.
At the police station, he looks awfully nervous. One
of the policemen does the old silent stare routine, and the other
one does all the talking. Having one silent actor saves Granada
200 quid, I shouldn't wonder! At first Ashley says he was out
clubbing with a group of mates. Later when asked for the mates'
names, he is forced to admit he lied about them, so as not to
look like he went to a club alone.
The pressure is turned up by degrees on the hapless
young master Peacock, and another silent actor is provided, in
the form of the female duty solicitor. Another 200 quid towards
the annual cast party!
So at 3:59 pm in Interview Room B, the tape recorder
is turned on. It is here when the detective tells him that Don
is now saying Ashley was the one who set fire to the factory.
Ashley looks very hurt to learn that Don has 'fingered him' for
the crime. But at this stage, Ashley is not charged, so Uncle
Fred comes to the police station later, to take him home. Ashley
seeks reassurance from Fred that they can't pin on him something
he didn't do. Fred gives that assurance, which brings the cheeky
grin back to Ashley's face, but the detective advises him not
to book any holidays, as it's all far from over!
They could have resorted to TV Drama Cliche number
117: "ok, kid, you can go for now but.....don't leave town."
That's yer lot.
Good night and I love you all.
Wednesday 30 April
Written by Paul
Baker, Nigel Worsford,
Helen Johns and Kevin