1 December 1997

Evenin' all, a bit later than usual.

Have you all opened the first door on your Cadbury Advent Calendars?

It's been un jour traumatique chez Dewey today. Sorry, mes amis Quebecois, but I haven't done any French since school 23 years ago, and I feel like using Franglais ce soir.

Yesterday we were given a Jack Russell bitch to keep our elderly chocolate labrador company. A sweet little thing, followed us around, slept quite happily, and spent most of this morning on my knee, at my desk, anywhere. Then I noticed I hadn't seen her for twenty minutes or so. We haven't seen her since then, lunchtime. She must have got out the cat flap, scaled a couple of walls, and gone exploring. I don't suppose we'll see her again.

I missed the beginning of Corrie tonight because we were driving aimlessly and fruitlessly around the streets, thank goodness for videos, eh?

Might as well get going then.

Pause for five minutes while I watch the first scene... 1 2 3 4 5

We open to the familiar scene of wet cobbles, a Plod car outside Des', and Alec knocking on Ken's door. Alec has a little job for Ken that evening, Escorting a Mrs Turnbull. Ken shows some concern at that title, but Alec assures him it's all above board. She wants an escort to a classical concert in Manchester - "it's one o' them classical do's, no vocals or owt like that".

Two policemen leave Des' house and call on the Battersbys. Janice reluctantly admits Plod, Les complains of victimisation, and insists he threw no brick through no windows. Janice begins to think that Les is guilty and tells him to stay away from Des Barnes, and she won't give him an alibi for the night before. She breaks down, ranting about the lies she's had to tell for him, the houses they've had to leave because they've had problems with neighbours. She's sick of him. (It's all right for you luv, we're sick of his acting...)

In the back parlour of the Rovers, Jack is trying to tell Alec that he's got a suit every bit as good as Ken Barlow, so he could be just as good an escort. He pleads for an assignment, with his dirty old man leer and a wink, but Alec again tells him that Golden Years is not that sort of agency, "I do not supply ....fancy men". Alec uses Ken because of his culture interests, which Jack couldn't emulate. Jack is insistent that he could handle a night at the opera because the plots are all the same - "The tenor always wants to give the Soprano a good seeing to, but the Baritone keeps stopping him" Brilliant!!! Despite this, Alec wouldn't use Jack if he were the last man alive in Weatherfield.

Chris meets Sally outside the Kabin, and confirms that he's going round that evening. Sally is concerned that they should still keep their liaisons secret, and in the street is not the best place! Kevin happens past, the subject is quickly changed.

Vera takes a phone call in the Rovers, and soon puts the caller straight that Alec Gilroy is only a part boss. Passing the receiver to Alec she says "there's a pansy on the line for you". Imaginations run wild? Alec drops his voice an octave or two, and in one of Alec's wonderful one-sided conversations we learn that the caller is Pansy, an old client of his, ringing to tell him that her sister Daisy has died, and the funeral is in Blackburn at 3pm. Explaining the bad news to Samantha we learn that Daisy and Pansy were two of the Blossom Sisters, the third being their sister Marigold. He describes them as being a sort of 'early Beverley Sisters', then learns about the generation gap between him and Sam when she asks who they were. Alec has to go to the funeral in case Daisy has left him anything. Before he goes he gives an envelope to Sam to give to Ken that evening, no sooner has he gone than Sam remembers it's her night off (couldn't she put it through the letter box on her way? It's only next door. But no, that would spoil the plot device wouldn't it?). Jack, naturally, assures her that he'll see that Ken gets it.

Oh No! Naughty Jack opens the letter, declaring "Mrs Turnbull, this could be your lucky night"

--ADVERTS--

(And this is where I came in)

Des comes home to Sam. only minutes later RJanice arrives too, she wants a word. She plays the sympathy card again, you know, the one that goes <we like it here, we don't want any trouble, don't get the police involved any more>. Des is adamant that Les is the guilty glass breaker, but then when he tells her the reason for his words with Les was Les's unwelcome attentions towards Sam, she goes in to 'not my Les' mode and leaves.

<Shameless Plug for Las Vegas Video Alert>

Jack is dressed in his new suit that they got in Las Vegas for a night out 'with his trade pals'.... On his way out he passes Ken, also dressed up for a night out. Vera isn't worried about Jack, as she tells Betty, because "He's past it now". Ken is surprised that Alec isn't in, but suggests to Vera that Alec may have left him an envelope. He hasn't, but we know where it is, don't we, boys and girls?

Les arrives home to an earbashing from Janice. She attacks him with "You can't keep one woman happy, never mind barmaids on t'side". He swears that it's not true, and that Sam is the one making advances.

In the Hotel de Posh, Jack tries to look cool, calm, charming , and Ken Barlow. He picks the wrong woman first off, but soon is called over by Mrs Turnbull - "Yoo Hoo, over here, lad". Mrs Turnbull is a delightful, loud and round lady. Much double entendre follows, Jack begins to get a little concerned. Mrs T explains that they look after her there, she had her honeymoon there, and they'll turn blind eyes to her considering the money she spends there, "You can still get a good plinkety plonk out of an old banjo if the feller who's playing knows his stuff". She tells him that he, Ken, reminds her of Jack, her late husband, Black Jack Turnbull, the 'Turnbull's Toffee Torpedoes Magnate' (Another Cadbury line to be launched perhaps?) Jack gets even deeper in when he reminisces that he'd had many a bagfull, and Mrs T recalls that Jack used to call her 'his little bagfull'. Deeper still, she suggest they abandon the concert, and go upstairs to her suite - the Bridal Suite. Ken/Jack was quite looking forward to the concert but Mrs T says "Handel's Water Music??? I've got the CD upstairs". Deeper still - does Ken/Jack have the strength to carry her over the threshold like her Jack did? And deeper again - she wants to know if Golden Years allow their highly trained operatives (sorry, I made that bit up) to negotiate off the record for other services. "Have you ever had a jacuzzi?" she asks, to which Ken/Jack admits that he's never had a Japanese car. Priceless!

Back at the Rovers, We have another showdown Battersby / Barnes. Janice, who changes her opinions dependent on the last person she spoke to, tells Sam to leave her husband alone. "We all know about Barmaids" she says, "Women only work in pubs so they can serve men, because they are easy". With Natalie and Vera looking on, only Betty stands up for them. Somehow, this scene didn't work.

In the Bridal Suite, Mrs T is waiting for Ken/Jack to come out of the bathroom. She wants to get him in the jacuzzi, and, talking about bubbles, she orders champagne from room service - "oh, and blindfold the waiter". When she turns back to Ken/Jack, our faithful hero has done a runner! Down the corridor in a towelling bathrobe! Carrying his clothes. Mrs T gives chase, but loses him. Well, not entirely, she finds his shoe on the staircase. Oooer - it's Panto Time! Is Ken/Jack going to be her Cinderella while she is Prince Charming? Pantoes like gender reversal, but that's taking it to extremes.

In the credits we learn Mrs T's forename is Renee.

Well, that's it for this week, a cracking episode, some fine acting from Vicky Entwistle, a wonderful bit of Alec on the phone to Pansy, and the promise of some good farce Ken/Jack, Renee, Alec, Vera.

Right!! Let's Post!

See you all next week, Dewey

Wednesday 3 December

Hello everyone.

Here is my first Wednesday update. As I write this I'm feeling rather uncomfortable. Today was my daughter's twentieth birthday and to celebrate we took her and her boyfriend out for a meal. We went to the Tiberio Restaurant in Pudsey, not far from where we live. Their mixed grill is famous round here, apparently nobody has ever managed to finish one due to it's size.

Well, I'm quite large around the waist, and as no mixed grill has ever beaten me, I felt it was my duty to show the good people at Tiberios what a good appetite could do when properly applied.

Just to get myself ready for the main course I had Black Pudding in an orange sauce as a starter - YUM - it was delicious! But then the main course arrived. I've never seen anything like it! I knew, for the first time in my life that I'd been beaten by a mixed grill! There were two large steaks, four large pieces of gammon, a lamb chop, two pork steaks, lots of kidneys, a huge piece of lambs liver, a mound of mushrooms, a sausage, a huge pile of chips, a fried egg, and a tomato. There was enough food on my plate to last even me for a week. I did what I could, but the plate seemed to get fuller and fuller as I ate. In the end when I finally gave up on it you would have thought that I hadn't even started, judging by the amount of food left on my plate.

The nice lady at the restaurant offered to put all that I'd left in a doggy bag, but as I don't have a doggy I asked for a catty bag instead. Anyway, I now have a very fat and happy cat, and a very uncomfortable tummy, but the show, as they say, must go on, so here is what happened in tonight,s show while I was out stuffing my gut..............

The goings on in Corry on Wednesday 3rd December 1997

It's breakfast time for Jack and Vera. Jack is sitting at the table in his vest complaining about the little hard bits in the new bread Vera has bought. "It's whole wheat bread" says Vera "it's good for you". Jack doesn't look so sure. Jack is looking decidedly shifty, especially when Vera asks him how his night out with the lads was.

In comes Alec to scrounge some breakfast "Just a couple off eggs will do" he says "but if you fancy you could throw a slice of bacon and the odd mushroom in the pan". Just then Alec,s mobile phone plays that annoying little tune that it plays instead of ringing. It's a rather irate Mrs Turnbull calling to complain about 'Ken'. Alec suggests that Ken may have been "toook badly" and assures the lovely Mrs Turnbull that he will look into it forthwith.

At her new house Deirdre is thrilled to see her mum and Tracy. They've come for the house warming party. Deirdre's mum is fascinated that the house has more than one toilet.

Back on the street Alec finally bumps into Ken (the real one, not the pretend one) and tells him that he's got some serious explaining to do. When Ken explains that there was in fact an extremely weak plot device on Mondays show whereby Ken didn't get the envelope that Alec had left with Samantha because the script writers couldn't be bothered doing a better job, and that if he'd been writing it there would have been a far more plausible reason for Jack to end up being in that hotel room with the delectable Mrs Turnbull, and that due to all this poor Kenneth had stayed in all night watching Emmerdale and East Enders on the telly............ oops - that isn't what he said at all, but he did explain that he hadn't got the envelope, and that he was none too pleased about being messed about. Alec stormed off, determined to find out what had happened.

Back in the Rovers Vera is just going out to do some shopping. Alec bursts in and asks Samantha why she didn't give the envelope to Ken. Samantha explains that she too was part of the script writers conspiracy...... no she didn't, she simply mentioned that she left it with Jack. Alec's face turns grey as the full enormity of what had happened hit him "You.... gave.... it.... to........... Jack?" he finally managed to say.

A moment later Alec walks in to the living room where Jack is sitting doing a crossword puzzle. Alec has a few cross words of his own to say to Jack. He mentions that if Jack doesn't tell him the truth about the evening with Mrs Turnbull he'll wait until Vera gets back and ask her. Jack realises that he has to own up, so he tries to justify his actions by saying that he just wanted to show that he could "...handle the doings...". Alec quickly points out that Jack actually couldn't "handle the doings". Jack said that no man could handle Mrs Turnbull and live to tell the tale. (Does handling the doings mean what I think it means? Will someone please let me know? Maybe I've led a very sheltered life, but I get the feeling that if I suggested to Mrs Harding that I "handle the doings" she'd think I'd gone clean off my trolley).

In the Cabin Rita and Sally are arranging to go together to Deirdre's house warming party when Chris walks in. Rita asks him if he'd like a lift to the party, but he says that he hasn't been invited. Rita goes off to answer the phone and Sally makes it very clear to Chris that she doesn't want him to go to the party with her. Chris is starting to get a bit upset that Sally doesn't want to 'come out' about their relationship.

Back in the Rovers Des is talking to Samantha. He's saying that he's not going to say any more about Les. Des reckons that Les will be more upset if he doesn't get a reaction.

Also in the Rovers Alma is talking to Mike. She wants to know why he has a soft spot for Deirdre. Mike says that Alma is beautiful when she's jealous, she says that Mike's horrible when he's winding her up.

In the MacDonald household Jim returns home to find Steve collecting the rest of his stuff. I won't bore you with details of the conversation. Suffice it to say that Steve has left his dads house and will now be living in a new flat. And that Steve still isn't too pleased that his dad slept with someone who Steve went out with briefly a few years ago. It is my opinion that in this episode it is Steve who has been drinking from the MacDonald 'stupid' cup.

Meanwhile Ken is buying Tracy what looks like a plate of chips in the cafe. Tracy asks Gail if she's going to Deirdre's party. Gail says that she'll be there, and that without her pinny and rubber gloves she scrubs up quite well. Then Tracy asks her dad why he isn't going to the party. Ken explains that he's not into parties any more, and that he's a bit past it now. Oooooooh.....you little liar Ken.....we all know that you're doing it for a living now!

-------------------------------------------------------
Ah - time for the adverts. It's taken me over an hour to write about the first half. At this rate I won't get to bed until 3:30am. Ah well, at least my tummy isn't feeling as uncomfortable now.

Enough of my waffling.........on with the show.......
-------------------------------------------------------

It's Deirdre's party and Jon, the lying fake ex-pilot and all round nasty man, is bragging about his flying exploits. He has Audrey and Tracy hanging on his every word.

Liz is getting rather drunk on Champagne cocktails. She's feeling a bit depressed. This depression seems to be more than a little to do with feelings of jealousy.

Sally is feeling a bit uncomfortable because she is on her own at the party, so she asks Deirdre if she can use the phone. She phones Chris, who is having a drink with Kevin at the Rovers. She asks him to meet her at a restaurant, then makes her excuses to Deirdre and Jon and off she goes.

Ken surprises everyone by turning up at the party, but he makes a point of ignoring Jon. When Mike sees Ken he starts talking loudly about how nice the house is and how its a lot better than number one Coronation Street. Alma points out to Mike that their flat isn't exactly Buckingham Palace.

Ken sidles up to Liz, who is by now very drunk. "Don't you wish you were somewhere else?" says Ken. (Oooooooh Kenneth, what ARE you thinking?) Liz tells him that she's feeling really jealous of Deirdre. Ken admits that he too feels uncomfortable being at the party. Suddenly creepy Jon stands up and taps a glass with a spoon - he's about to make a speech. He says that, as everyone knows, this is a double celebration. His and Deirdre's engagement and their moving into the new house. But also that there's something else. "You're not...... are you?" says Blanche "Don't be daft mum" says Deirdre. Jon continues to tell everyone to make a note in their diaries for January 29th as that's when he and Deirdre are getting married. This bit of news is obviously a shock to Deirdre, but even more of a shock to Liz, who drops her glass, smashing it on the floor and spilling champagne all over the carpet.

Sally and Chris meet in a quiet restaurant. Sally says they need to talk. She feels that Chris is trying to push their relationship along too fast. All she wanted was a bit of fun, and to feel like a woman again. Chris obviously wants more, and Sally isn't ready for that sort of commitment. Just then Steve MacDonald and his girlfriend Rachel turn up. Poor Sally looks as if she wants the ground to open up and swallow her. She's mortified at the idea of people on Coronation Street finding out about her and Chris. When Steve and Rachel go to their own table Sally tries to explain to Chris how she feels about their relationship. It seems that she and Chris both want and need very different things.

Back at Deirdre's house the party's over. Deirdre tells Jon that she's not happy about him arranging the wedding date without asking her. She says that she doesn't like the way he does things "everything's speeded up" she says, "you get a job, next minute you get promoted, next minute we're buying a big flash house, next minute you've set the wedding date. It's just like being on some mad roller coaster. Just as I'm coming down one slope and I feel as if I'm getting my breath back, off we zoom up another". Smarmy Jon makes some condescending noises and suggests that Deirdre must be tired. So they leave the washing up and go to bed. Ooooooooh Deirdre......get rid of him....he's a bad 'un!

And that's it - another cracking episode of Corry. I can't believe the high standard we're being treated to at the moment. I had resigned myself to the fact that Corry was in a very steep decline a few weeks ago, but now..... well.... it's almost as good as it used to be...... I love it!

Now it's almost 4:00am and my tummy is feeling about normal, so I'll send this off and get myself off to bed.

Bye for now everyone, Ian Harding

Visit the Wonderful World of Pusscat at http://www.pusscat.demon.co.uk/

Friday 5 December

House: Sam raises the kitchen blind to reveal black spray-painted writing on the window. (I couldn't make out what it said.) Des reacts angrily when she shows him.

Street: Jim struggles to get an old cooker (or something) into the van. Gary helps him. Jim tells Gary that Steve left, so Jim can no longer manage the work on his own. Gary invites Jim to their house later to celebrate Katie's christening.

Garage: Sally reminds Kevin that he is to look after the children later. There is an ill-tempered exchange when Kevin says he is supposed to be working, and Sally warns him not to leave 'her' in charge of their children. After Sally stalks off, Natalie asks Kevin why he prefers it when Sally is angry with him.

Street: Curly complains to Gary about the noise emanating from the Battersbys', which he says has gone on for half the night. Janice seems surprised when he hammers on the door demanding a reduction in the noise. Des emerges from his house, on the warpath, as Sam begs him not to be too hasty, as he has no evidence.

House: Les and Janice succeed in making both offspring turn off their (competing) music systems. They are very nice about it to a pleasantly surprised Curly. Des barges in and Curly has to hold him and Les apart as Des accuses Les. General mayhem ensues as all shout at once, and Curly hustles Des out.

House: Jon hopes Deirdre isn't still upset at the announcement of their wedding. She says she isn't, but was distracted thinking about Liz. She wonders if Liz would stand a better chance of finding a nice bloke if she didn't do herself up like an old slapper. Jon suggests that Deirdre could tell Liz - that's what friends are for!

Yard: Sally makes Chris promise not to talk about their relationship to anyone - especially Kevin. Sally reminds Chris that her priorities are her children and her home, not 'wild adventures' and Chris assures her he is happy with that, and wonders if she is trying to finish with him.

Rovers: Vera and Jack are about to go to Katie's christening, and Vera remembers she hasn't put the crates out. She asks Natalie to do it. Betty catches Natalie on the way and asks her to go to the shop.

Ginnel: Natalie puts out the crates and sets off the back way to the shop.

Yard: Chris agrees to give Sally time to think about their relationship. Footsteps approach .... Sally and Chris kiss .... Natalie pauses to look and moves on, smiling to herself.

During the break, Cadbury helpfully remind us that there are only 20 chocolate buying days to Christmas.

Rovers: Tracy has noticed that Ken seems less than thrilled at her mother's new circumstances. Jim bemoans his professional downfall from property developer to odd job man, and stupidly tells Alec that Steve didn't pay him for the flats. Alec leaps on this opportunity to badmouth Steve, so Jim warns Alec not to repeat such remarks about the blue-eyed boy. Natalie casually questions Janice over why Sally doesn't go in the pub at lunchtimes now. Janice assumes Natalie thinks Sally is avoiding her, and says that Sally just prefers to get her jobs done. Tracy says goodbye to her dad, and promises to see him at the wedding.

House: The christening party return to Judy and Gary's for sausage rolls and beer. All comment on how good the baby was. Rita quietly slips £50 to Judy to start a savings account for Katie. Gary takes Jim aside and says he is soon to be laid off, and offers to be Jim's workmate. Jim promises to think it over. Des nurses his grievance, observing Les laughing and joking with Jack. Samantha urges him to leave it.

Rovers: Liz is delighted at the prospect of being Deirdre's bridesmaid. She stresses that she is genuinely happy for her friend, and regrets showing herself up at the housewarming; she just wonders why her life is going so wrong. When she says that she feels like a dried up old hag, Deirdre suppresses the response that 15 million viewers mutter to their TV sets, and tactfully steers the subject round to changing a few things. Liz misinterprets her remark, and whines that she can't change Jim's attitude. Deirdre sighs, realising that that is not the time, and changes the subject. Alec thinks he must have left his shirt tails out or something, since Natalie is grinning to herself, hugging her secret knowledge. She tells him it is not about him - she was just musing that you can never tell what goes on behind closed doors. Deirdre buys Ken a drink, and says how pleased she was that Blanche and Tracy come to see her - and they approved of Jon. Ken says he is unhappy at having to lie for her. Deirdre tells him to continue with it if he wants her to be happy.

House: Gary makes a toast to the baby. Judy wishes that Joyce had been there to see it, and Vera comforts her. Curly tries to persuade Des that Les has changed, and is making an effort with the neighbours, so may not be responsible for the vandalism. Des remains sceptical. Sally makes her excuses and leaves.

Garage: Natalie chats to Rosie and Sophie, and slips in a question about whether Chris sometimes watches TV with them. Rosie volunteers that Chris is 'Mummy's best friend' at which Natalie seems well satisfied. Sally collects the children, and after they leave, Natalie mentions to Chris that she wishes Sally would get a new man, as things would be easier. He looks uneasy and continues to sweep up.

House: Les is unhappy that Des keeps watching him; then he is upset because Janice seems unconvinced of his innocence. Vera shamelessly plug Vegas by using her new camera - bought there - to take pictures of the christening party. She does her best to keep her fingers across the lens as well! Judy smiles for the camera, but her grin fades when she notices Zoe enter the room, looking daggers. Credits.

Episode written by Maureen Chadwick.

Helen

Sunday 7 December

Hello and welcome to my second update (Maybe everyone will get it first time eh?)

---------IN BRIEF----------

1) Gary tells Zoe where to go
2) Sally gets some advice
3) Des has a problem
4) Renee comes to town

 

----------IN FULL----------

1) Gary tells Zoe where to go
As soon has Zoe walked into the merry party, Gary takes her outside and tells her to pick a better time to see the baby. Meanwhile Sam tactfully takes control telling people to fill everyone's glass, take some more pictures etc. After the party had finished, Zoe came back with a present for Katie. Judy tells Zoe that they had decided that it would be for the best if Zoe never saw Katie again. Zoe is rather annoyed and threatens them with telling Social Services.

2) Sally gets some advice
Sally asks Rita to come and baby-sit while she goes out. They come onto the subject of Men and Sal tells Rita that she is seeing Chris. Rita takes it as old 'Just Good Friends'. Rita says that if Sal wants a good relationship she will have to look farther that Coronation Street. Nastily tells Kev that he probably won't have to support two women soon, he pays no particular attention. Chris still wants to go public about the relationship.

3) Des has a problem
Following the Christening party at the Mallets. Sam tells Des that she wouldn't mind a Chinese. As Des turns that corner, he is tripped, he falls flat on his face and is beaten up by guess who... Richie, Sam's husband. Meanwhile, Janice conveniently wants a Chinese too. Les sets off for the Chinese. As he turns that corner, he sees the scuffle and, being the big hard man that he is, he pulls Richie off Des, knees him in the you-know-whats and Richie runs off. Des is taken back to Les' place and bathes his wounds. Richie pays Sam a visit. He tries to convince her that Des is not the bloke for her. He is reduced to tears. Les raises the subject that Richie probably was responsible for the car, the window and the graffiti (quick isn't he). Des suddenly realizes that Richie just might be with Samantha (wow, quick again). He goes back and says "If you've laid a finger on her!" Des tells him to go several times. Only when Sam tells Richie that she wants him to go does her leave.

4) Renee comes to town
Renee comes into the pub with the shoe that she had picked up from her date with Jack. She wants to see Ken Barlow. When Ken comes across, she laughs and wants to see the "real one". When Jack comes out the back room she runs round and kisses him, they go into the living room. Vera walks in. Vera says "Jack!" Renee says "Oh no. You must have the wrong person, this is Ken Barlow." Vera grabs on arm, Renee the other and they both pull. When Alec comes in and says that he can explain everything does Renee realize what has happened. Renee says that she is going to hit Alec where he will feel it the most... His pocket.

HAMBO

Monday 8 December

Evenin' All, or p'raps Mornin'!

To save you the trouble of asking (and thank you, those who did), we got the dog back. My stepdaughter put a card in the local shop's window, and the woman who works mornings thought she had information. Tuesday morning I was on the phone to the Blue Cross Animal Shelter, when the other phone rang - it turned out to be the 'new age' types squatting across the road who had taken her in. She had got out of the cat flap and over the wall.

Now we're trying to secure the back garden, but I was away at our annual conference this weekend. In Gloucester. Only hotel I've been to with its own artificial ski slope. A bit of a come down from last year in Guernsey, or the previous years in Tenerife and Marbella.

Enough of my waffling. You want to hear what happened in Corrie tonight? You missed little, the highlights being Fred, I say, Fred, coming to Liz's rescue, and Vera planning her revenge on Jack and Renee Turnbull. OK, read on!

You'll remember that Gary & Judy have decided to take Katie away from Weatherfield, to stay with Gary's brother in Newcastle. We open with Judy singing 'When the boat comes in' to Katie. Gary is all for taking them up there, then returning to sort out their affairs in Weatherfield, let the house and so on. He's only concerned for their welfare, assuring Judy that he'll get a job in Newcastle. He wants them to be able to stop looking over their shoulders, and start living again "like a real family".

A Real Family is obviously tonight's link-theme. Chris and Sally are sitting at the breakfast table each thinking private thoughts. "We're like an old married couple" suggests Chris. He tells her that they both want something more from this relationship than sex, she should not worry about other people knowing about them being together, and after all, he's thinking about moving in!

Round at the Battersby's, Janice tells Zoe that she'd better get herself sorted out because she's not running a hostel. Janice can't find her purse, and only just stops short of accusing Zoe of stealing it. Les had it, and wanted to help himself to several notes because he had a deal going somewhere.

We go to the Rover's, where Jack is telling Alec that his problems with Vera are all Alec's fault. Vera comes in and states, of Renee Turnbull, "Escort, My Foot! The only contact she's 'ad with an escort is the back seat wi' plenty of suspension". "Alec's nowt but a pimple! An' you're not going to turn this pub into a house of ill repute." She informs Alec that now Betty is back, she's coming out of the kitchen so she can keep an eye on Jack and Alec.

Gail meets Audrey outside the shop. Audrey tells her that she thinks Fiona might want to sell up when she comes back, and she really wants to get back into the business.

Sally goes to the garage to remind Kevin that he's taking the girls to see Santa on Wednesday. Chris is going to cover for Kevin. Oh yes, I bet he is. Chris says it's ages since he went to see Santa, so why don't he and Sally take them too? Sally doesn't want to confuse them.

Sam is nursing Des, and admits to Des that she loves him. She's never said that to anyone before. Their embrace is a little too tender for the damaged Des.

Jim meets Gary & Judy as they leave their house. Jim, pursuing the business opportunity mentioned on Friday, suggests they go to talk at the Rover's. Gary declines, and wonders what to tell him. Judy implores him not to tell Jim that they're going to Newcastle. Jim leaves, Les arrives and tells then that their lodger needs to sort herself out. He doesn't like having a thief in the house. "We've got to go, NOW" says Judy.

Cut to adverts.....

In part two, we visit several couples talking in the Rover's:

Audreh is trying to put her 'buy Fiona out' proposition to Alfeh, but he's more interested in his Millennium committee meeting in half an hour. He tells her that it's tosh, and she's got no sense for business.

Des is realising that he owes his life, or at least continuing near-health to Les Battersby, and it's a good thing Les was wearing his underpants on the outside last night. Sam thinks Les would be content with a couple of pints and no further mention.

For a change of scene we go to the Warwick Hotel, where Liz is working a shift. Two lads, Martin & Simon, come in and tease Liz and spin some story about being undercover agents who are looking for a woman of Liz' description. They're out for a good time, and see a game in pulling 'an old woman', "the older they are, the more desperate they are."

Back at the Rover's, Janice wants to know what the Christmas arrangements are. Fred's trying to get served. Vera comes through, and will only converse with Jack through an intermediary, Samantha. Natalie and Alec are working too, but still Fred fails to get served. Vera snaps a 'clean the ashtrays' order at Natalie, but Alec is determined to sort out this situation. He tells Sam to go get a mop and bucket, because "there could be a lot of blood".

Rounding on Vera he tells her she should show more professionalism. She retorts that Alec is in 'The Oldest Profession'. He is saved by his mobile phone, a Golden Years caller.

Fred still hasn't been served, so he takes his business elsewhere.

Sally is at her sewing machine, making an angel costume for Rursie. Or was it Surphie? Who cares? Chris is running round the table testing the wings. Sally sends the girls to bed, and Chris agrees to read them a story. Sally is obviously troubled by Chris starting to accelerate things.

Sam and Vera are discussing the merits of Golden Years. "So people actually pay to go out with Ken Barlow?". Vera agrees with Sam that there was nothing emotional in Jack's situation with Renee Turnbull,, but neither was his wallet involved. "No, he was in full trouser mode" Vera begins to get an idea about taking advantage, Sam encourages her to look in Alec's little book.....

Back at the Warwick, Simon and Martin are still teasing Liz. Look! Who's here? It's our Fred, entering this welcoming oasis of refreshment, a refuge from the Rover's. He tells her that the Duckworths are rowing by go-between. He orders a pint, but Liz has to go to change the barrel. Martin asks Simon what he'd do if his mother went out dressed 'like that'. "Get adopted" he says. They continue to badmouth Liz, much like ratucs really. Fred thanks them to finish their drinks and leave before the lady gets back. They assume Fred is The Boyfriend and leave.

Vera is nosing through Alec's Filofax. Some descriptions quite appeal to her, particularly an Italian, Marco L. Alec comes in, but doesn't catch her nosing. He was looking for the Filofax, and retrieves it, but fortunately Vera has extracted a Golden Years business card.

Jim calls on Gary, describing a "cracking wee job" which they could do together. Gary has to let him down gently, explaining that his contract had been extended on the cable gang. As he sees himself out, Gary follows "no hard feelings, Mate" He wants to get moving soon while he's still got some friends to leave behind.

Alec's in the back parlour, and his mobile phone trills. It's a Roxy Lamour, wanting a man from Golden Years. Well, it's really Vera, on the land line in the hall. A throwaway line from her alerts Alec to the true identity of the caller. Keeping Roxy talking, he carefully opens the door to see Vera on the phone. She is telling him that she wants a gentleman who likes physical activity. Alec, with that evil Alec grin, suggests that he has just the perfect gentleman on his books.

Sally and Chris are comfortable in front of her TV, with a bottle of red wine (I think!) He's telling her that he wants to spend more time with her and the girls. They kiss, and Chris encourages her upstairs. Yes, couldn't have been white if rumpeh pumpeh follows.

Des is putting the milk bottles out when he sees Les. Calling him, he thanks him for his intervention last night, and promises him a pint or two sometime to bury the hatchet. "Let's make it tomorrow night, make a night of it" suggests Les, to Des' obvious distaste.

Natalie is leaving her shift at the Rover's, and looks up at Sally's bedroom window as she walks by. Seeing Chris stripped to the waist preparing to close the curtains she smiles a wry smile and the credits roll.

And that, as Nigel Worsfold would say, and probably still does, is yer lot.

Episode written by Phil Ford. Have we had him before? Don't recognise him.

Dewey

Wednesday 10 December

Greetings one and all.....

PHEW!!! What an evening!

When I first said I'd do the Wednesday updates I thought it would be easy. Nothing ever happens on a Wednesday in my life, except watching Corry, and sometimes calling into The Punch in Silsden to see a band playing. So it wouldn't be a problem watching Corry, then watching it again on the video, stopping and starting as I typed all about it for you to read....

So, what's happened? Last week (my first week as a Wednesday updater) it was my daughters 20th birthday, and my first ever failure to eat a mixed grill - which had to be written about. Tonight? Well tonight it was another wierd Wednesday.

A few weeks ago, my singing teacher James told me that he would be singing at our local church in a Christmas 'do' soon. I said I'd like to go as I quite fancied seeing if he practiced what he preached. Well - he invited me and Mrs Harding to the 'do', and I promptly forgot all about it.

But then this morning, as I was eating my Weetabix and drinking my coffee, Mrs Harding reminded me that we wouldn't be able to watch Corry tonight, and that I'd better set the video if I wasn't going to let my adoring fans down. So, after explaining that I didn't have a clue what she was talking about, followed by several blows to my head with a blunt instrument (the toaster), courtesy of Mrs H, I decided that it might be a good idea to set the video to record Corry at 7:30. Fortunately for me, Mrs Harding knew that there was to be soccer on the telly tonight, and that our favourite show wouldn't be on until 9:45 - so she persuaded me to change the setting on the video. She knows how much I hate football, and she also mentioned that you, dear reader, would probably prefer to read about the goings on in Corry, instead of about some football match.

Anyway, the gig (as I like to call it) was excellent! James (my singing teacher) was totally, mind-blowingly brilliant!!! He has a voice that you would die for. He's an opera singer, but not just ANY opera singer. He moves you - I mean - he REALLY moves you - from right inside the deepest part of you.......what can I say? OK - he's not bad!

After the gig (which lasted for well over two hours), James invited me and Mrs Harding back to his mansion for an 'after-gig-party'. Well - how could we refuse? We'd both admired Ashworth Mansions (James's house) from afar for many years. But we never thought we would be asked to step over that hallowed thresh-hold. So off we went, with bottle of wine in hand, to the 'party'!

We were greeted by 'Simpson', James's butler. "Yeeeees?" said Simpson, looking down his very long nose at us, "the dustbins are round the back". "Oh" said Mrs Harding, as she quickly grabbed my arm to stop me from rushing round the back to empty the bins, "We've been invited to the party". "Ah" said Simpson "why didn't you say so? I could have easily mistaken you for a couple of commoners". So saying, he quickly showed us through to the living room - and all the booze!!!!!!!!!

This could have been Simpsons big mistake. No sooner had we spotted the red wine than we started to PAAAAAAAAARTY!!!!! One glass after another, red after white - white after red - champagne after lager - lager after champagne...........we got blasted!!!!! Mrs Harding, never the most conservative of people, was soon dancing on the table. James, very quickly, put some music on, so that Mrs H wouldn't look too silly. But Mrs H didn't care. She would have danced to the dishwasher, to the grandfather clock ticking, to the sound of the servants clearing away the dishes.......she's not a proud woman.....she'll dance to anything.

Mrs H danced and danced. She continued to dance long after everyone had gone to bed. She'd still be dancing now if I hadn't told her about the great party that our Eve was having back at our house. "Party???" she asked. "Yes" I said. "A special party for people who want to keep on dancing all night". So off we trotted back to 'Harding Villas', in search of more good times.

When we arrived home, Mrs H realised that I had, in fact, told a little white lie. There was no party at our house. Just a very tired Ian, who really needed to watch Corry, and write about it, for his many loyal fans...................

So, here is the Wednesday night update for Corry on 11th December 1997..........

Tonights episode starts with Audrey waiting for Maxine to open the hairdressers. When Maxine eventually arrives Audrey points out that she's late. "Never mind" says Maxine "we still get our wages".

Then we see Gail, resplendant in a very attractive pink flowery jumper, talking to Alf. Alf is complaining about Audrey wanting to buy the hairdressers from Fiona. Gail points out that at least Alf will know where Audrey is if she has a business to run, and that while she's in her own shop she can't be in someone else's, spending money. Alf seems to think that buying the hairdressers may not be such a bad idea after all.

Kevin is working at the garage as Natalie suggests that they go away for Christmas. Kevin says that he can't as he wants to be there for the girls. "Before long" says Natalie "Sally's not going to want you around at all. Not when she gets a new man in her life". Kevin doesn't seem to think that its very likely. Natalie is about to spill the beans about Sally's new bloke when Chris turns up. She decides to leave telling Kev until later.

Les and Janice decide that Zoe has to move out. There isn't room for her in their house. I don't know how Zoe could possibly sleep on that tiny settee anyway. Zoe decides that she's going to look for Liam, maybe he'll put her up.

Vera and Samantha are talking in the back room of the Rovers. "Have you heard of the Moulin Rouge?" asks Vera "Yes" says Sam "its a sort of night club in Paris". "Is it 'eckers like" says Vera "it's a cafe in Manchester. They might 'ave one in Paris though, they might 'ave branches all over". "Mmm... they probably do" says Sam, hiding a smile. Vera goes on to explain that she's going there tonight to meet a man from Alec's escort agency. Sam says that Alec is bound to tell Jack, but Vera says that there's no chance of that as she's used a different name - Roxy Lamour.

Zoe is in the corner shop asking if they have any stale bread or cakes that they could give her as she can't afford to buy any. Maude says that if she can afford cigarettes she can afford food, and sends her on her way. Ashley isn't very pleased about this and goes off after Zoe. He takes her back to his house and feeds her. Zoe tells Ashley all about selling her baby, and how she wishes she hadn't because she keeps thinking about it. Ashley asks if Zoe has anywhere to go, Zoe says no, so Ashley says she can stay at his house for a few days until she sorts herself out.

In the Rovers Natalie is telling Samantha that she's seen Chris with Sally and that Chris and Sally are "definitely at it". In the corner Alf is talking to Audrey, discussing the possibility of buying the hairdressers for her. He says that if Fiona wants to sell he'll put an offer in.

Alec takes Jack to one side and asks him if he's still keen on doing a bit of escort work. He tells him about a client called Roxy Lamour who would be right up Jacks street. "Any extras are left to your own discression" says Alec.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Right - go and make yourself a cuppa while the adverts are on.

Buy a camera! Buy shampoo! Buy a hairdryer! Go to see a movie! Buy some very thin things with wings! Buy beer! Buy food! Buy a video! Spend spend spend!

OK - that's all the adverts..........now - back to part two of Corry. -------------------------------------------------------------

Maxine is sweeping up in the hairdressers. (Max is looking rather lovely today, I think she's gained a bit of weight, and she looks better for it). Audrey says "This could be a good business if it was run properly". Maxine says that she thinks she's running it properly. "Of course you are" says Audrey "and I'll keep you on when I buy the place". I think Audrey is getting a bit ahead of herself somehow.......

Vera leaves the Rovers all dressed up for her night out. Jack thinks that she'll be going out with Ida Clough to play Bingo. "Bingo with Ida Clough" says Alec "by, some folks are pleasure mad".

Then its Jacks turn to go out. Before he leaves he asks Alec if he knows anything about Roxy Lamour. Jack thinks that Roxy Lamour isn't her proper mame. Alec says that she must be a bit of a 'goer' if she's chosen a name like Roxy Lamour. "Give her your best attention Jack" says Alec "treat her as you would your Vera". "Ooh nay nay, I'll treat her better than that" says Jack as he leaves.

Maxine comes home to find Zoe watching the telly, wearing one of Maxine's sweaters. Maxine is not a happy bunny. She thinks that Ashley is having an affair with Zoe, but Ashley convinces her that he isn't. Maxine isn't pleased to discover that Ashley has offered to let Zoe stay for a few days. (Why does Ashley call Maxine 'Maxime'?)

Kevin and Sally are discussing what they are doing on Christmas Day. Kev says it'll be strange not being woken at 4:00am by the girls on Christmas morning.

Vera is sitting at a table in the Moulin Rouge, drinking Champagne. She tells the waiter that she's waiting for a man, and that the man will ask for Roxy Lamour. She asks the waiter to send the man to her when he arrives.

Moments later Vera sees Jack come into the restaurant. She hides under the table hoping that he won't see her. But Jack has asked the waiter to take him to Roxy Lamour, and the waiter is a very determined young man. He introduces Jack to Vera. "You trollop" says Jack. "Trollop? Me?" says Vera "You rat!" and promptly empties the contents of an ice bucket down the front of Jack's trousers, "That'll cool you down" she says.

Sally and Chris are talking in Sally's dining room. She is explaining to Chris that she can't see him at Christmas because Kevin will be there. Then she goes on to tell Chris all about it being Rosie's seventh birthday on Christmas Eve. Poor Sally seems to be missing Kev.

Back at the Rovers Vera storms in shouting at Alec. She wants to know why he sent Jack to meet her. Alec acts as if he doesn't realise what's happened, and says that Jack has gone out on an escort job with someone called Roxy Lamour. Just then Jack walks in, the front of his trousers soaking wet where Vera put the ice cubes. Jack calls Vera a few choice names, including Strumpet, Floozy, Thing and Slaggage. Vera gets her own back by calling Jack a Toy Boy and Fancy Man! This is pure comedy in the true Corry tradition!

At Ashley's house Maxine issues an ultimatum. If Zoe isn't out of the house by tomorrow - Maxine will be. By the look on her face I think she means it. What will poor Ashley do now?

And that's it. Yet another truly superb episode of Corry. It just keeps getting better and better.

Bye for now - Ian Harding

Friday 12 December

House: Ashley gets the sharp end of Maxine's tongue as Zoe has hogged the bathroom and made Maxine late for work, and to add insult to injury, Zoe comes downstairs wearing Maxine's dressing gown. Maxine insists that Ashley tell her to move on. Ashley looks harassed.

Street: Des is reminded by Les that they are supposed to be going out for a drink. Kevin confirms to Sally that he will be at the school play the following day, and that he will go round on Christmas morning. Sally looks happy at the thought of him around at Christmas.

Salon: Audrey supposes that Fiona won't want to work when she has had the baby, and will therefore be happy to sell the salon. Maxine seems disturbed by this turn of events, and tells Audrey that she has no contact number for Fiona, and that Fiona is not staying at her mother's any more.

Shop: Zoe offers to leave, as she knows where she isn't wanted. Ashley apologises and gives her some bus money. He is angry that her rights, and those of the baby, are being denied, and that she isn't allowed to say goodbye to Katie.

Salon: Audrey prattles on to Liz as she prepares her for a haircut. She comments on the split ends in Liz's birdsnest - that goes down well! Then she asks about Christmas - which Liz says she is looking forward to a quiet time alone. Judy pops in to rearrange her hair appointment, and Max tells her that Zoe stayed with them last night.

Street: Les continues to be very pally with Des, and they confirm their arrangement to meet later. Des looks most unenthusiastic.

Rovers: Vera is not amused when Jack announces his intention of going to the Red Lion; Rodney Bostock has taken it. (Remember him (+ trombone) when he was the relief manager?) It disintegrates into a row about the other night; Vera maintaining she was just getting her own back, whereas Jack was looking for a bit of the other. Jack picks up his coat and tosses his white opera scarf over his shoulder with the old classic 'Frankly my dear, I don't _give_ a damn.'

Street: At the end of the day in the factory, Sally speaks to Chris, who asks her out that night. She says she has to go shopping while Rita babysits, and Chris insists on accompanying her. Ashley visits Judy's house and tries to sort out the situation with Zoe. Judy gives him his marching orders.

Salon: After Max leaves, Audrey searches the shelves and finds an address book. She phones Fiona's mother and leaves a message for Fiona, and it sounds as if Fiona is staying there.

House: Ashley explains to Zoe that he tried to help by speaking to Judy. Maxine is angry to find Zoe still there, and she announces to Ashley that she is going to Fiona's flat and will not return until Ashley has got rid of their houseguest. He looks near to tears as he assures Zoe that she should stay, and that Maxine's bark is worse than her bite .......... usually .......

Rovers: Les persuades Vera and Natalie to give him a pint which Des will pay for, since he was a hero and saved Des's life. Des turns up and Les milks him for money for the juke box. Des intends to have a quiet couple of pints, then an early night; Les was under the impression they were going on a pub crawl.

House: Ashley prepares Maxine's favourite - chicken a la croix d'oops- under Zoe's gaze. He is confident that Max will return for supper, but decides to phone to check. Max establishes that Zoe is still there and hangs up on him. Zoe offers to leave after she has eaten, but Ashley won't hear of it. He doesn't want a young girl sleeping rough on the streets on his conscience.

Rovers: Jack has reappeared in the bar after a sleep. He is hung over and has hurt his back. Vera is completely unsympathetic and continues the argument, stating that his playtime days are over and there is to be no more of it. Des attempts to escape, but Les collars him, and to the strains of The Hollies' 'He Ain't Heavy; He's My Brother' (nice touch, Mr Producer) Les tells Des that though everyone looks down on the Battersbys, he, like the Good Samaritan, was the only one who bothered to save Des's life. Les vows to always stick up for his new pal, and he knows that Des will always stick by him. Des smiles wanly.

House: Rita has been babysitting for Sally, who arrives back with lots of presents, and Chris in tow. Sally hints that he should leave, but he takes no notice.

House: Sam is upset when Des arrives home with a curry - and Les. She is wearing a dressing gown and feels she has to change as Les makes some suggestive comments, being the worse for drink. Whilst Les is in the toilet, Des and Sam confer and decide to insist that Les fetches Janice over to share the meal (and keep Les under control).

Rovers: Gary and a couple of mates celebrate the end of the cable contract - although they only have the dole to look forward to. Judy rushes in to find Gary - she has left Emily with Katie. She is frantic because Zoe is still around. Gary reassures her that all will be OK if they stick to the plan to go away without telling anyone. He says he will go home with her now. Vera asks him if he would like some work next week; humping crates since Jack has hurt his back. Gary thanks her and accepts.

House: Janice politely thanks Sam and Des for the meal. They are concerned that Les has been upstairs a long time, then he returns, having thrown up. He says it is OK, as he has cleaned up using some towels. Janice is horrified and rushes up to the bathroom to sort it out. Sam decides to make some black coffee. Les quietly tells Des that he understands now why Des wanted Janice to join in - he thinks Des wants the four of them to play sexual mixed doubles. Les assures Des that Janice will enjoy it, and so will Des. Des is terrified at what Les is going to say when Janice and Sam return. Then Les feels nauseous again, so Janice pushes him out of the front door to vomit in the front garden. She is very embarrassed and apologises to Sam and Des, then goes out to scream at Les. Sam can't believe it, though Des laughs that it could have been much, much worse.

House: Chris has wrapped up his presents to the girls. Sally says they need to talk, and that while she is very grateful for his help recently, she has to end the relationship. He refuses to accept that there is no future for them, but Sally is adamant that she would cause more pain to the girls if they got used to Chris and he then let them down, so she wants to finish it now. Chris wonders if Sally is clearing a way back for Kevin, but she denies it. He takes the presents, saying he will give them to someone else, and leaves. Sally looks relieved to have done it. Credits.

Episode written by Phil Woods.

Helen

Sunday 14 December

IN BRIEF

Gary And Judy: Are Their Plans Upset?
Ash & Max: Are They Split Up For Good?
Salon: Will It Be Changing Hands?
Kevin: Will The Girls Ever Forgive Him?

 

IN FULL

Both Judy and Gary are starting to get a little tense in the hours before their trip to Newcastle. Gary has hired a bright red van to move some things, which he parks in the street, right in front of the house. Zoe comes walking down the street and demands to be able to hold Katie. She asks where they are going, Gary denies that he is going anywhere, he is "Shifting some gear for a friend". Zoe is not convinced

Ashley still has sympathy to Zoe, Max tells him that it is either Zoe forever of Max forever. Ash tells her that it is not a fair question. She walks out, but for how long? Fiona comes back to stop Audrey buying the Salon, she insists that it is not for sale. Audrey starts reminding Fi about her baby etc. Fiona still tells her to go away Natalie is taken ill and Kevin stays at home to look after her. He misses Sofie's & Rosie's nativity play. When he comes round later to apologise, they look at him, then run upstairs!

 

OTHER GOINGS ON

Les is still after Sam, he askes her if she wants to come round to his place, she tells him where to go. Chris admits that he has being coming on too strong, Sally takes no notice

 

Sorry it is a brief this week but I must dash

 

Hambo

Monday 15 December

At last I've found several hours to myself to give you this Monday's update. SWMBO has gone out to her firm's christmas do, so I've got the PC to myself.

This episode was a special double lengther, and as such, doubles the update job. Hence it probably won't be as detailed as usual. Anyway, here goes:

Slappers were the order of the day, as you'll see.

As far as I can recall, it's still the same day as Friday and Sunday's episodes, as demonstrated by the factory girls' christmas session in the Rovers.

At the Mallett's, Zoe is cuddling Katie/Shannon, but reluctantly gives her back to Gary. Judy is out shopping.

Ida and Janice and the girls are beginning to get plastered, it's still daylight outside so it must still be Friday lunchtime. Natalie returns, miraculously cured from the condition that caused her to take to her bed and test Kevin's loyalty to either her or his girls. Alec is delighted that she's back because he's been run off his feet, but the first customer she serves, Gail, refuses to be served by her in revenge for missing the nativity play. Hah! Sam wants to know if she's told Kevin about Chris and Sally yet - she hasn't.

Kevin arrives at his former home, and apologises to the girls for missing the play. They offer to give him a special performance, which Sally tries to refuse. Kevin ends up wearing a tea towel on his head as a wise man, and becomes delighted by his children again. Even Sally is smiling. Afterwards, the girls want Kevin to bath them, which again Sally wants to stop. Kevin bleats that "he wants to be there for them, wants to see them growing up, etc" She gives in. Later he continues to bleat about really missing them, doesn't want to be a part time parent, and realises that if Sally met someone else she might move away and he'd lose his girls.

Zoe and Ashley are discussing the Mallett's plans. Zoe is determined that they are going to take her baby away, and she'll never see Shannon again. Ashley becomes Mr Sensible, assuring her that he'll help her get her baby back.

Over the street, Gary is checking the oil in the hired van, saying it's a bit low. Considering he only hired the van yesterday (or was it today?) and it's from a real hire company it's not a very good advert is it? While his head's under the bonnet, and he's distracted by Les, Zoe is in the house and out the back with Shannon/Katie. Gary soon discovers the disappearance, and runs to the backs to see Zoe running down the ginnel. Tearing back through the house he sees her running with Katie/Shannon from the corner by the Rovers to Ashley's front door. A convenient passing car impedes his progress, and she has the door locked before he gets there. Ashley is baffled, but pays the Mr Sensible card again, and tells Gary to calm down, he's sure it can be sorted. Zoe chips in that "it's Shannon, and she's mine". Once again, Gary doesn't notice that she's used this name. Gary leaves, but tells Ashley to "think on, if any harm comes to that baby"

We cut to the Rovers, where Chris invites himself to the pictures and a curry with Angie and Des, Sam suddenly walks out on Alec for no reason that I could see, and Nastily tells Alec that she's feeling unwell again, and she'll have to go too. "As long as your till's ringing, you'll be alright", she says. BTW, where are Jack and Vera? Their absence is not explained.

We go back to see Judy return home to learn that Zoe has taken Katie/Shannon over to Ashley's. Hysterical, she runs to the house.

END OF PART ONE

Inside Ashley's house, Mr Sensible is assuring Zoe again, but soon Judy is banging on the door. Rather than have to door kicked in, Ashley admits the Mallets who promise no trouble.

We cross back to the Webster's where Kevin is telling Sally that he can't live without them, and he "could always move back". Sally points out the selfishness of this "It's all about what you want - but have you stopped to think about how I might feel about all this?" He tells her that he regrets the hell he has put her through, but asks "don't you feel anything for me at all?" Sally's silence suggests something...... but what?

Zoe is assuring Gary that "She's my baby" and she's not interested any more in the deal. Nor does she have the £2000 to give them back. Mr Sensible sticks his oar in, sure that things can be sorted out. "Keep out of this Ashley" says Judy. Oh dear, Ashley, remember the trouble you got yourself in to unwittingly covering up for Don when he torched the factory? Judy tries to snatch Katie/Shannon, but they leave when Mr Sensible says he'll call the police and they can sort it out.

At the girls' night out, all rather fetchingly attired in red caps with fluffy white trim, and copious tinsel, Janice is trying to organise a UK£10 per head kitty. Mike Plowman commented on the mark of an actor is how well they can play a drunk - Vicky Entwistle gets better and better as the girls' night goes on. Ida Clough suggests that for that kind of money they ought to be spending it somewhere else, somewhere a bit posh. Alec lays the charm on, wanting to hear these tenners going into his till, but they elect to go to the Warwick - and Les threatens to come too but is put off by Janice.

Judy is getting more hysterical about 'her' baby. Gary won't accept all the blame, pointing out that they'd have been off to Newcastle if Judy hadn't delayed shopping. Ashley comes over to collect thing for Katie/Shannon's feed. Judy says "you've got a nerve" but Gary sees this as an opportunity. He sends Ashley away, saying he'll bring things over. Outlining his plan to Judy - "when we get in there I'll see to Ashley, you grab Katie, and we'll be away - he tells her that they can never come back to Weatherfield if they snatch her, what we're doing is illegal."

Sally is still on at Kevin, telling him that he can't just walk in there, tell her he loves her, and expect to be taken back - especially as he's been sharing his life with another woman. It's not enough that he says he was wrong. But Kevin's going o prove it! He's going to leave Natalie.

The girls' night out is Jingle Belling down the street, they invite Judy to join them, but she has other things on her mind. It's dark by now. Just too late she sees Ashley driving off in Uncle Fred's van with Zoe and Shannon/Katie in the passenger seat. BTW, why would Fred buy the registration number M1ECE? Elliott's Commercial Emporium perhaps?

END OF PART TWO

<SLAPPERS>
Gary is assuring Judy that Ashley has to come back sometime, and he'll make sure that he finds out where Zoe is. Judy is getting more distraught, and with Gary's back up against the front door, she slaps his face several times. SLAP, SLAP, SLAP!

Kevin lets himself in to Natalie's, where she greets him with a promise of a meal. She apologises for making him miss the nativity play, but we know it was deliberate. Scheming little cow! He picks at his dinner, won't have any wine, and is generally miserable. He admits that he's going back to Sally. "Kevin, please, there'll be other nativity plays" (I liked that line!), His mind is made up, he's got to go. He goes to pack a few things and we are treated to a shot of the scheming cow actually crying!!

At the Warwick, Liz asks the girls to stick around because there's a rock n roll gig on tonight. The girls are at that stage where they're looking for MEN. Even Ida.

In the street, Toyah meets a strange grubby individual who is looking for Emily's house. He introduces himself as Spider. Emily cautiously opens her door and tells him that she doesn't buy at the doorstep. He introduces himself as Geoffrey Nugent, her nephew. "Edgar's son?" "Yes, I've grown a bit since you last saw me." She reluctantly takes the chain off and lets him in. although she glances in the street to see if anyone has noticed.

We see Ashley pull to a halt in the van, but Zoe declines his assistance, it's only "over there". When he's pulled away she walks in the opposite direction, eventually arriving at a grotty basement squat, lit only by candles.

At the Warwick, Janice is dancing on a table. Liz admits to her boss that Janice isn't so much a mate, more of a neighbour, so he sends her over to restore order. The star turn walks past, Jump Jackson (and the Jive Five). Ida recognises him as someone she went out with when she were a lass. "How old is he?" says someone, "oh, no age at all" neatly replies Ida. She catches his eye, and reminds him of the back of the Essoldo, December tour, 1961. "Must 'a got the wrong bloke" he says, "I were just starting school in 1961" Ida is miffed, especially when he chats up Janice. Janice is great, flirting.

We're back chez Horrocks. Kevin says he's going in to a bed & breakfast, but Nastily asks him to stay and think it over. He tells her that it has got to be, he and her were good etc, but it couldn't last, and he never loved her. SLAP! Nastily slaps his face. As a parting gesture she warns him that he when he gets back to Sally he won't find the virgin bride that he left because she's been seeing Chris. Natch, Kevin won't believe her.

In Emily's back yard, Spider is sorting out his dirty washing. "So you're an eco-warrior then" says Emily "doing battle with local authorities, ..... and the police..?" She wonders what he is doing in Weatherfield if he's got an environment to save. He has "a bit of business". He's not going to sponge off her for long, so she lets him put his tent up in the yard. (Why, with her track record of lodgers, and that he's her nephew, didn't she insist he came in for a bath and a bed?). She offers a meal, knowing of a couple of chops in the fridge, but no, he doesn't eat meat, or eggs, or dairy products - he's a vegan. Emily wonders how she's going to feed him. Toyah peeps over the wall and reports back to Leanne.

Les comes home and finds there's no meal ready for him. Never mind, he's off down the Warwick where there's nosh laid on.

Gary & Judy accost Ashley when he returns, but he can't tell them any more than that Katie/Shannon is safe. We cut to see Liam opening the corrugated iron door to let Zoe and baby in.

Things are livening up at the Warwick when Les arrives. Gets more lively when Jump Jackson starts to sing his version of the old Teddy Bears hit ' To know her is to love her', kissing Janice at the end. Our Les isn't too happy about this, and fisticuffs brew. The Warwick's manager attempts to restore order, but Les' flying fist manages to floor him instead of Jump Jackson. JJ doesn't get off scot free because Les grabs him by the hair, which promptly comes off! He tosses the toupee, brides bouquet style, to Ida, who presents it to Jump with the instruction that "next time you meet an old acquaintance, show 'em a bit of respect".

Liz tries to help the manager off the floor, but he's more interested in sacking her, he tells her to go downstairs and get her cards.

Zoe is feeding Shannon/Katie, and asking Liam what he thinks about being a dad. He's not interested, he's going down the pub. Zoe puts Shannon/Katie in the carry cot and goes with him.

More fun in the street when Kevin calls at Des's, looking for Chris. He won't go in because it's private. Kevin asks him if he's slept with Sally. We don't hear an answer, but from inside the house we see them fighting. Des, Angie and Sam run out to break it up. In front of them all Chris admits "yes". Kevin's anger culminates in him sacking Chris on the spot. SLAP!

Next Kevin goes to Sally's to tell her he has left Natalie to prove himself to her. Sally is delighted "there's a long way to go but I think we can make it". Then he tells her that Natalie told him about Chris, and there's no use in denying it because he has confirmed it. She tells him it's all over, but he calls her a lying disgusting bitch, and storms out. To his bed & breakfast perhaps?

Judy is still worried about Katie. Gary, the realist, tries to tell her that this mad episode was a mistake, and they've got to face it, they'll not see Katie again.

Last scene is Shannon/Katie in the squat, alone and surrounded by candles.

THE END

Episode written by Ken Blakeson.

Note for non-UK readers:

Geoffrey Nugent is apparently based on one Daniel Hooper, aka Swampy, who became the environmentalists' hero by digging tunnels and barricading himself in supposedly to prevent the building of another runway at Manchester airport.

And that's about it then. I'm sorry you've had to wait for this, and if it's not up to the usual standard it was because of the double length episode, and my haste to publish.

Dewey

Wednesday 17 December

Greetings one and all....

I hate computers SOOO much. I bought mine for a specific purpose - to run a programme called Cubase. Guess which programme most definitely WON'T run on it! Correct - Cubase! Most of the other stuff almost works most of the time, but I must admit that I'm a bit fed up with it crashing more than half a dozen times a day.

Sooooo.....I decided to ask the people I bought it from if they would make it do what it was supposed to do in the first place. They took it away, and a week later they brought it back and presented me with a bill for a hundred quid!!! I paid them, thinking it was worth it if my computer would do what it was supposed to do. But - I'd forgotten the basic principle of sods law - 'If there's a way of something going wrong - it always will - especially when money has changed hands'.

So - there I was - looking at the useless cream coloured box of junk which was supposed to do so many wonderful things. No matter how nicely I asked, it refused to work properly. Oh, it did lots of interesting and unusual things. Things like telling me that I didn't have enough memory to open NotePad (64 megs of ram isn't enough???). Things like showing me a very pretty blue screen with some computer gibberish written on it - apparently letting me know about some sort of 'general protection fault'. But not once did it offer to do what it was designed to do. It was determined not to fulfil its destiny...

I considered all the options. The heap of junk (computer) could accidentally fall out of the window, smashing itself to smithereens on the ground below. Or - I could accidentally on purpose let a large piece of metal (a hammer) come into sudden contact with it. Or - it could be placed on the road (accidentally of course) and be crushed under the wheels of a speeding lorry. Any of these options would give me the opportunity to have a pleasant chat with the nice people from the insurance company.

Unfortunately I am blessed with a total inability to lie (well - almost total), and I'm sure I'd crack under questioning......."Did you do this on purpose Mr Harding?" they'd say, "Yes I did" would be my reply.

So, there was only one answer. I had to ask the people I bought it from to take it away again, and this time FIX THE DAMNED THING! So they came the other day. They told me exactly what was wrong "It's a software problem" they said. This gave me a strange feeling of deja-vu, as I had a very similar response from the software company. The only difference was that they'd said "It's a hardware problem". Ah well - at least I know now that it's nobody's fault.

Anyway, they took it away again. They don't know how long it's going to take. But I suggested that they keep it long enough to make sure that it actually works this time........I think it may be quite a while before I see it again.

So here I am without my pile of junk...er...I mean computer...for a while, so I am using Mrs Hardings, which never seems to go wrong. It didn't take much to talk her into letting me use it. I'm told that cooking and cleaning for an entire year is character building, and that eventually I'll actually learn to ENJOY ironing......

Enough of my waffling........on with the show.....

Here is a little bit about the goings on in Coronation Street on Wednesday 17th December 1997........

The Coronation Street 'Stupid Cup', once reserved for the MacDonald family, now seems to be shared by many of the players in our favourite soap. Tonight both Judy and Kevin show signs of having drunk heartily of that famous cup of stupidity. Their sad lack of logic cannot be explained in any other way. So now, dear reader, to learn more, read on......

Judy is washing some of the baby's clothes in the sink. Gary wants to know what she's doing. Judy says that Katie will need some clean clothes when she gets back. Gary tries to explain that they won't be seeing the baby again, and that it's maybe for the best. Judy accuses Gary of letting Zoe steal Katie on purpose.

Next we are looking at the tatty hovel which is home to Liam, and now to Zoe and her baby too. Shannon, as Zoe prefers to call her, is crying and is all alone in what is obviously a very cold room. Zoe and Liam eventually return from the pub. Zoe decides that Liam should go to the shop to get something for Shannon to eat, "Get some milk and some chocolate and some crisps" says Zoe "She'll be hungry".

In Des's kitchen Chris is considering his future. Des, Sam and Angie are all in agreement that Kevin had no right to Thump Chris. They are a bit surprised to learn that Chris was sleeping with Sally, but agree that it isn't sufficient grounds for Kevin to sack him. Chris decides to go home as he's not in a partying mood.

On his way home Chris sees Sally. Sally is angry with him. She thinks he told Natalie about their relationship. Chris explains that he didn't, and that he neither knows nor cares how she found out. "I don't give a toss" says Chris as he walks away.

Back in the hovel Zoe and Liam are in bed together, both fully dressed due to the cold. Shannon is crying so Zoe puts her between the two of them in bed. Zoe starts to talk about a rosy future for the three of them. Liam quickly points out that he doesn't want Shannon being brought up in the hopeless poverty she'd be subjected to with them. He suggests that they sell Shannon back to Gary and Judy. "It doesn't have to be forever" he says.

Liz turns up at Jim's house. "Can I stay here tonight?" she asks. She's slightly drunk and has been crying. She tells Jim about losing her job, and that she feels as if her life isn't worth living any more. "I feel lonely, useless and old" she says "Do people laugh at me?" "YES!!!" shout seven million voices in unison all over the UK.....oops, sorry... "No, of course not" lies Jim. Jim decides to let Liz stay.

And now - the commercial break....
----------------------------------------------------------------

Buy a razor - Buy Ice-Cream (in winter???) - Buy chocolate - Buy a CD - Buy more chocolate - Buy a hair dryer - Buy some fizzy pop - Spend spend spend, before you run out of money......

And now, if you're all sitting comfortably, its time for part two....

----------------------------------------------------------------

Its the next morning at Jim's house. Liz is now sober and seems to feel slightly awkward that she stayed overnight. It seems that they both slept in separate beds. Jim asks Liz if she'll phone next time, instead of just turning up, just in case he's got somebody there with him.

Zoe and Liam are in a Phone box with Shannon. Zoe phones Judy to say she needs to see her but puts the phone down, "I can't do it" says Zoe, "I'm not interested in more money, I want Shannon cos I love 'er". Liam isn't pleased about this.

Chris calls in at the garage to give Kevin a chance to apologise, but Kevin is not in any mood for apologies. Chris mentions that Kevin had no legal right to sack him, but Kevin replies "I'm the boss, and if I say you're sacked - you're sacked!" Chris tells him that he can have the garage keys back as soon as Kevin pays him the money he's owed.

In the Battersby household Les has managed to sort out their Christmas dinner - cheaply. He's bought a turkey. The only problem is - it's still alive. "What's wrong with a Firman's Frozen Turkey?" asks Janice. "You don't want one of them" says the chap who's sold the turkey to Les "There's a risk of Sam Manilla if you don't defrost 'em properly, but Teresa......" "Teresa?" say Janice and Leanne together "Teresa Turkey" chorus Les and his pal in unison. "Teresa" continues Les's mate "is full of goodness, all she wants is fattening up a bit - she's quite fond of Gingernuts".

Kevin turns up at Sally's house. He wants to know how many times Sally 'saw' Chris. Kevin seems to have forgotten what a bastard he was just a few short weeks ago, and is now full of righteous indignation because Sally actually dared to do what comes naturally. He says he is going to sit and wait for an explanation. "You'd better find a comfy chair" says Sally "you're in for a long wait".

At the cafe Emily introduces her nephew to Roy and Toyah. "This is Geoffrey" says Emily "The name's Spider" says Geoffrey. We learn a little of Geoffrey's history now. It seems that he was living in Australia until a year ago when he was deported for being a pratt or something. He tells Emily that his dad told him that she (Emily) was a "bit of a go-er". Emily looks rather uncomfortable on hearing this. Toyah is interested in Geoffrey's ear-rings and asks him if he has any other parts pierced, Geoffrey just smiles at her. Maybe Emily IS a bit of a go-er as she seems to understand the implications of that smile.

Back at Judy and Gary's there's a knock at the door. It's Liam. He says that they can have the baby back if they give them another two grand. Judy says they can't afford it, and Gary tells Liam to get out while he can still walk. Gary tells Judy that this stops here and now, and shouts at Liam again to get out. Liam implies that they could sell the baby to somebody else as he leaves. Judy doesn't like the way Gary is dealing with this situation and won't let him touch her when he tries to comfort her.

Kevin is still sat at Sally's, waiting for an explanation. Eventually Sally decides to explain things to him. She points out what we all know already, and that he is now playing right into Natalie's hands. He was going to move back in with Sally, so Natalie said what she did just to stop him. She finishes her explanation by saying "Get out, you make me sick!". Well said Sally.

Outside Judy is running down the street chasing Liam. She catches up with him just as he's about to get on a bus. "I'll get you the money" she says. "You said you couldn't afford it" says Liam, "I'll find it somehow" says Judy. Liam looks rather smug. I think Judy is going to regret this.

And that's it for another Wednesday. Not the best episode I've ever seen. Too much stupidity for my liking, but still not a bad 'un.

So, until next week, I'll say... Bye for now.......

Ian

Friday19 December

Well, Christmas is almost upon us, and may I take this opportunity to wish all on RATUCS, and all email subscribers a very Happy Christmas. I have enjoyed sending my updates to you, and though the show went through a bad patch, I feel it is on the up and up. It is much easier to write the update when you have enjoyed the show, and when the writing is of such a high standard. So, all the best for the coming week, and on with the update.

 

Yard: Emily and Spider gawp at T'resa the Turkey, who is scratting about in their yard. Les quickly climbs over to retrieve her.

House: Ashley phones Max and asks her to come home.

House: Gary tries to cheer up Judy, but all she can think of is how to raise the money. Gary says it is out of the question.

House: Janice objects vehemently to being asked to prepare boiled potatoes to feed the turkey. Les is indignant, but Janice orders him to sell it. Toyah surveys the bird and asks 'So that's what turkey comes from?' and Janice quickly corrects her that their turkey will be coming from Firman's. Spider calls with some potato peelings for the turkey to eat, but Les sends him away after he points out that they should have given it plenty of drinking water, and a nice shelter. Toyah is upset that Les was so rude to Spider.

House: Rita calls on Sally for a chat, so Sally immediately starts blubbing and wailing.

House: Judy has got dressed up in a miniskirt, and done her hair and makeup. She announces that she is going out, and doesn't want Gary with her.

House: Rita sympathises with Sally, and slags off Kevin for being a hypocrite. Sally whimpers that she wanted him back, really, and that it wouldn't have worked out with Chris. Rita warns her not to try to hold a marriage together for the sake of the children. Sally says it is beside the point, since Kevin is bound to be back with Natalie now.

Arcade: The manager of the arcade, Paul, is pleased to see Judy - especially when she asks to have a chat about having her old job back.

Squat: Liam confesses to Zoe that he saw the Malletts earlier, and agreed to hand the baby back in exchange for two thousand pounds. Zoe is adamant that she loves Shannon and won't give her up. Liam is angry and tries to persuade Zoe that it is in everyone's best interests - including Shannon's.

Arcade: In his office, Paul is incredulous that Judy has asked him to pay her the two grand, in cash, in advance, for the next 5 months' wages. Judy pleads with him that she really needs to pay off a debt. He tries to suggest other ways he could help her to pay in instalments. In desperation, Judy swears he will get all the money back, and says 'And you can get what else you want from me....' at this, Paul looks up and stares hard at her.

Rovers: Jim is pleased when Natalie flirts with him. Rita and Sally are undaunted by Kevin's presence. Sally apologises to Chris that he got hit and lost his job. It doesn't cheer him up though! Natalie seeks Jim's professional advice on her bathroom, which she feels is in need of a makeover. She fancies some mirror tiles - Jim can't help imagining the scene! Vera tells Alec that Natalie is behaving badly, but he is happy with the effect it is having on the customers.

Squat: Zoe asks Liam to mind Shannon/Katie, who is sleeping in the next room, while she goes out for milk. He agrees, but pays more attention to rolling his cigarette. Zoe then puts a pillow under the covers in the carrycot, picks up the baby and a carrier bag full of stuff, and hurries out.

Rovers: After Sally and Rita leave, Natalie asks Kevin for a chat in the back. He is reluctant to have anything to do with her, as he feels everything has been said.

Cafe: Toyah and Roy are sitting having a break; Roy is reading New Scientist (good man.) Toyah brightens when Spider comes in for a camomile tea. Roy: 'Is that with or without honey?' Spider: 'Is the honey organic?' Roy: (deadpan) 'That's without, Toyah, thank you' Toyah apologises for her father's behaviour. Spider suggests taking the turkey to a sanctuary if she can persuade Les not to slaughter it.

Rovers: In the back room, Natalie tells Kevin that she still wants him, and asks him to go back. He is very down, and says she was always to good for him, and that it was all a fantasy. Natalie gets upset and he leaves. In the bar, Angie tries unsuccessfully to cheer up Chris. He makes one revealing comment, which even causes Angie to pause for thought - that she wouldn't understand 'wanting to belong'. Angie eventually persuades Chris to go back with her, some beer and a video. Vera wonders why Natalie isn't serving. Janice gives Les an ear bashing because he upset Toyah, and gives him an ultimatum: get rid of the bird by teatime or she will phone the RSPCA. (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Les tries to sell it to Alec. Vera finds Natalie crying in the sitting room. Vera is surprisingly sympathetic to hear that Kevin has left her and gone back to Sally. Vera tells her to go home. Les brings the turkey in to the hall and goes off to get Alec. Vera comes face to face with T'resa, and flatly refuses when Alec says he wants her to prepare it. Alec has to tell Les to take T'resa away.

Arcade: Paul counts the cash and gives it to Judy. She has her coat off, but it is unclear whether anything has happened. She thanks him and leaves.

Squat: Liam wanders in to say 'hello baby' then swears when he finds that Zoe has deceived him.

House: Shannon and her mother are at Ashley's. Zoe explains that Liam tried to sell Shannon again, but she loves her too much to give her up. Zoe begs Ashley to let them stay for a while. He looks up as we hear the toilet flushing (Gritty Northern Realism here ;-) ) and the fairy footsteps of Maxine clattering downstairs. She stops short at the sight of their visitors.

House: Gary is incredulous when Judy produces the money from her bag. She explains that she must return to work to pay it off. Judy looks triumphant, in a crazed kind of way, as she announces that Katie is coming home. Credits.

Episode written by Maureen Chadwick.

Helen

Sunday 21 December

Hi there!

I missed corrie on Friday, but with the help of the VU page and the normal update, I think I am fully informed. :-)

Why doesn't anything happen to me? Looking at other peoples updates, there is always something going on. Anyway..

Welcome to another update from the most boring place in the World.

IN BRIEF

1) Will Les give his turkey the chop?
2) Where will Katie spend her first Christmas?
3) Where will Maxine spend her Christmas?
4) Where will Kevin spend his Christmas?
5) Where will Jon spend his Christmas?

IN FULL

Will Les give his turkey the chop?
Les has got his Christmas dinner. Al he needs to do is give it the chop. Janice tries to scare him out of it by telling him that they run around even when they don't have heads on (Even though Les has done it all his life). Les knows that he can't do it. So starts getting lessons of a rather insensitive Fred I say a rather insensitive Fred. Les asks Fred if he will do because he 'hasn't quite got the hang of it'. Fred says that he doesn't want to get his cardie splashed with blood and muck. Les gets his hands on a bottle of whisky and marks a place on the side of the bottle. He says to Janice: "When the whisky gets down to that line, I will slaughter that bird" He goes outside, (with a baseball bat ?!?!?!) Toyah gets Spider Spider looks over the wall just as Les raises the bat... and.. and.. and... and.. he lowers the bat again. Superman spider saves the day! Toyah persuades a drunk Les that they can keep Teresa Turkey forever.

Where will Katie spend her first Christmas?
Judy still won't let the Katie subject drop. Gary thinks that if they give the money to Liam & Zoe, they will spend it, pinch baby Katie then demand more money (Is he the only one with any sense around here?) Judy has to go out and pay back some of the £2000 that she had borrowed off her boss. She tells Gary that if Liam calls then he is to take the £2000, give it to Liam, and come home with Katie, and if he doesn't, he will never see her again. (Well I know what I would do if I was Gary) Gary finds out that Zoe is staying back at Ashley's, he takes the money to the arcade and tries to give it back to Judys boss. She intercepts and comes back to CS. She sees Maxine on the way back who is only too pleased to tell Judy that Katie is at No.4 Judy goes running over there and offers Zoe £2000 for the baby. Zoe says that she doesn't want the money, she just wants Shannon. Judy says that she will pay more, but Zoe wants Shannon. The door closes and Judy throws the money (£2000) in Garys face. (Guess what, he picks it up)

Where will Maxine spend her Christmas?
When Maxine comes back, she finds Zoe in the living room. She shouts at Ashley and leaves to go back to her mothers. Max insists that Zoe is Ashley's "Little Girlfriend" she goes around telling everyone that Ash fancies Zoe. She gets drunk in the Rovers.

Where will Kevin spend his Christmas?
Now that Kevin has left Natalie, and found out about Sally & Chris. What can he do? Where will he go? Well he goes to a B & Band he leaves his address and telephone number with Silly (but not Natalie). Sally thinks that he is hoping for a Christmas dinner invite, she tells Rita that he can hope on. Will she do what is best for the Girls or best for Herself?

Where will Jon spend his Christmas?
Obviously we all know where Jon will spend his Christmas day. Half a day with his wife, and half a day with Dreary. So he is in 'Aberdeen' all Christmas day morning (Yeah Right!) but will be home in the afternoon. When will Dreary find out?

Hambo

Monday 22 December

We open to see Judy and Gary at breakfast. Judy has cooked, but neither has an appetite. Judy hasn't been able to sleep, then goes into tantrum mode, telling Gary that she's at rock bottom. He says he's even lower, and to Judy's suggestion that he clears off, he says he might just do that.

Les & Toyah are breakfasting too. 'It's Spider this, and Spider that' says Les, recognising her infatuation. Janice is adamant that Teresa the Turkey goes today, either on a stone slab or set free. Les teases her that she'll be plucking it at teatime, a thought which makes Toyah run out of the room.

Back at the Mallett's, Judy is accusing Gary of being selfish, going to hell and back to get him a baby. He argues that the baby was never for him, it was for her. He suggests there's no room in her life for him any more, all she wants is Katie/Shannon. Judy takes off her tunnel vision glasses and implores him not to leave her. Gary demands that she puts Katie behind her, and admits that she belongs to someone else.

Ashley is humping a sack of spuds into the shop. Maud warns him about Zoe's feet getting under his table. The longer she stays, the harder it'll be to get her out. (Don't I know that, eh, readers? It's been 9 years now with SWMBO). She wants him to get Social Services involved, they've got schemes to help people like her.

Emily comes into the shop, to learn from Toyah that Les is still going to kill Teresa. She has an idea though, somewhere to take her, but she needs help - Spider agrees.Emily has noticed that Toyah is besotted with Spider. Ashley wants to know why Toyah calls him Spider. Emily thinks it's because of his interest in things entomological. Ashley has no answer to that, there's a wonderful look on his face as he withdraws.

Now here's a thing. as Gary and Judy enter their living room, he's putting on his shirt and she's in her dressing gown. Gary agrees that he's 'better now'. A spot of naughtiness perhaps? Gary suggests that they give all their Katie related items to Zoe, Shannon for the use of.

Spider, Toyah and Teresa are in the back passage. Who's there too? Liam, looking as menacing as a twelve year old that hasn't started shaving yet could do. Read it again, it might make more sense then.

Jon & Dreary are in the Rover's, at the booth by the door. Dreary is fed up of being stuck in Weatherfield all the time. She suggests that she ought to accompany him to Aberdeen, they could have a good time when he's not working. Not surprisingly, Mr Tie'n'Lie has a convincing enough reason why she shouldn't. Convincing enough for Dreary's rose tinted hearing aid, but not for us, eh, readers? She understand that her presence might cause him to screw up in his new job. He drinks up and leaves her.

An unidentified extra is at the bar, and a second unidentified but speaking extra asks if he'd like a game of darts. As he moves away, Sally and Janice take his place. A device I don't recall seeing before.

Sally orders two halves of lager, but Natalie suggests the little word 'please' might help. Sally does not offer it. Natalie asks Sally out for a drink sometime, because they've both got something in common - they've both loved and lost Kevin. 'I didn't lose him, you took him from me' says Sally.

Dreary is still in the booth, looking as miserable as only a Dreary can. Ken sits down with her, and she explains that she's fed up because Jon's away for christmas, but after all, she encouraged him because he's not been with the company long (!!!). Ken looks thoughtful. Has he been reading ratucs and knows what Jon's up to?

Judy is packing all Katie's belongings into a shoe box, and getting a bit emotional. She keeps one toy back, weeping when Gary has left.

----------END OF PART ONE---------

(In the adverts my Dad phoned, so I never saw the second half. Well, I saw it, but didn't hear it. So this bit is new to me too)

----------PART TWO--------

Liam calls on Gary, offering business to talk about if he wants to see 'his kid' again. Gary tells him that he's like a pressure cooker and looking for a release. If Liam starts, he might just explode, and Liam wouldn't get up again.

Toyah and Spider have taken Teresa to the children's farm. As they come back to the Street Spider goes straight in to Emily's, leaving Toyah on the doorstep. She's a bit miffed.

When Gary arrives at number 4 with the Katie shoe box, Liam is looking menacing-ish in the ginnel bedside the Rover's. Zoe seems concerned that he's around, but is glad Gary hasn't given him any money. Zoe gives Gary a cuddle, thanking him for everything, including being there at the birth. Shannon starts crying upstairs, but Zoe ignores her.

Ken and Emily are discussing Spider in a corner in the Rover's. She's defending Spider as a decent lad despite his appearance, and Ken says he reminds him of himself when younger. In ethics and beliefs perhaps, not appearance. Emily invites him to spend christmas day with her and Geoffrey - 'two revolutionaries, and me'.

Nastily serves Chris, commenting that 'your older woman was in here earlier' (hang on, she was that to Kevin wasn't she?). Chris explains that Sally is nothing to him now. Natalie thinks that he shouldn't have lost his job over it, so perhaps she should have a word with Kevin? Chris doesn't want that.

Gary tries to get Judy out of the house, but she wants to stay miserable.

Liam climbs over the back fences to get to number four's conservatory. Zoe at first resists, but then unlocks the door and lets him in. As soon as there isn't aluminium framed laminated toughened safety glass between them, the smile slips, he grabs her, 'we've got to talk'

Les arms himself with the baseball bat again, this time it's for real. Les soon finds Teresa has gone, and that Toyah's lack of concern at his intent to kill her means that she had something to do with her disappearance. Toyah admits that she's in a safe place, at the children's farm on the rec. (is that the Red Rec, perhaps, which hasn't had a children's farm before?)

Liam wants £500 deposit for a 2 bedroom flat. She can get it from the Mallett's, (he says), but Zoe wants to see the place first, will it be suitable for Shannon? etc. Just when Liam is getting heavy, Mr Sensible comes home and forcibly pushes him out into the street. Good on yer, Ashley! As Liam departs, muttering 'Mr & Mrs Grocer....pathetic.', Zoe and Ashley seem to begin to develop a spark between them.

Kevin is at the garage as Chris walks past. He calls him over, but is unable to look him in the eye. The garage is busy, and Kevin asks Chris how he's fixed for work. For a moment we're expected to believe that he's going to offer Chris his job back, but no, he's only offering good references. Kevin is beginning to regret everything, especially as it's christmas, and he wishes he could turn the clock back.

Les is on the phone to the children's zoo, telling them that his daughter left it there by mistake, and could he have it back, please? Unfortunately not, because Theresa's escaped! Toyah is sure that turkeys are homing creatures, and will be on her way back. This pleases Les because it'll save him the trouble of hunting her down. It also pleases the scriptwriters because Toyah can utter the immortal line 'a turkey's for life, not just for christmas'. He puts his coat on, 'when Les Battersby's on the scent, there's no stopping him.

We're then treated to a shot of Theresa waddling down a street between a pillar box and a building covered with 30x15 brown tiles. It looks suspiciously like Ashley's shop front, sans legumes, to me.

Chris calls on Sally to tell her that he thinks Kevin is close to cracking up. He's got too much work on, and finding it hard to think of his split family at christmas. Sally kisses him before he leaves.

Judy is still being a couch potato, sitting in front of a gardening viewers' questions programme.

Back to Theresa, strutting her stuff down a street. Les jumps in his car, determined to find her. Toyah screams 'I'm coming with you', and climbs in the passenger seat. Les pulls away as fast as a sixteen year old Cortina can. LES!!! Brake!!!! Too late, he's hit Teresa, and feathers flutter on to the bonnet.

The car didn't seem to be taxed either.

Cue end credits.

Episode written by Peter Mills

[No animals were injured in the making of this film. An RSPCA inspector was present at all filming] Or not...

Dewey

Thursday 25 December

Seasons Greetings one and all!

Here at last is my Wednesday update which, due to it being Xmas, is actually a Thursday update this week. I'm sorry that you are reading this a little later than usual, but I was in no fit state to be writing anything last night. I'd consumed far too much wine to make any sense, or at least that's what Mrs Harding says - personally I can't remember a thing!

Anyway, here is a little bit about the goings on in Corry on Christmas Day - this is probably one of the best episodes I've ever seen.......

It's Christmas Day and Kevin is at Sally's house watching the kids open their presents. Kev gives Sally a bottle of her favourite perfume, Sally gives Kev a bottle of something, probably whiskey. She asks him if he'll stay to have dinner with them. Kev says that he will, as long as he can help. They both seem to be getting on very well.

Next we're in the Mallett's house. Judy gives Gary a present - Gary gives Judy two. One was going to be from Katie, so of course Judy gets a bit upset.

Fred, I say Fred, is at Ashley's house, trying to talk Zoe into coming to his house for Christmas dinner. He says that he wants her and her little baby to be there, then he does a Fred classic - he goes up to the baby and shouts "HALLO LITTLE BABY" - that man is a star! When Zoe goes upstairs to get ready Fred warns Ashley about the folly of his ways, telling him that anyone with any sense would keep well away from Zoe and her bambino.

Rita arrives at Sally's bearing gifts for the young 'uns. She seems pleased to see that Kevin's there. Sally looks lovingly at Kevin and he looks away shyly.

In the Rovers Betty is preparing Christmas diner for all the staff. Reluctantly she sets a place for Natalie as Natalie is going to be on her own. Vera asks where Kevin is and Natalie tells her that he'll be with Sally. Looking across at Jack Vera says "Men eh? You can never rely on 'em to leave their wives can you?"

Jack asks Les if he's killed the turkey yet. Les launches into a graphic description of how he ran over it in his car, and how it was squashed so badly that it took him ages to bash it (with a hammer) into a shape resembling a turkey again. Then how he took it to a car wash to use a power hose to get rid of all the blood and feathers. Then he asked Ken, who was standing next to him at the bar, if he'd like to come round for dinner with them. Ken doesn't seem too keen on the idea of eating squashed and bashed and car washed turkey, and declines the offer.

Next we're at the lying fake ex-pilot Jon's house. Not the house he has with Dierdre, but the house he has with his wife and two children. He's eating his dinner when he mentions that he has to make a phone call. His wife doesn't seem too pleased about this.

Then we're at Jon's other house, the one he DOES share with Dierdre. Dierdre is complaining to Liz about Jon being away more often than he's at home. Just then the phone rings - it's Jon. It seems that he's in Lancaster and just about to set off 'home'. "I'll be there in an hour" he says.

At the Battersby's house they're all sat around the table, about to tuck in to a feast of squashed, bashed and car washed turkey. Actually Toyah has decided that she is a vegitarian so all she has on her plate are vegetables. Leanne says that the turkey has tyre marks on it and it looks horrible and that she can't eat it. Janice also decides that she can't eat Teresa. Les thinks this is great because it means he can have more. He thinks that squashing the turkey has improved the flavour, and he says he's going to write to Bernard Mathews (the turkey farmer) and suggest that he runs over every turkey he's got.

Back at Jon's house (the one he shares with his wife) Jon is telling wifey that he has to go in to work. It seems that the burglar alarm has gone off at the shop, and he's the only person who can do anything about it. Ooooh, you nasty nasty man Jon. His wife isn't at all happy that he has to go in to work half way through his Christmas dinner. She's getting fed up with the people he works for expecting so much of him. She tells Jon that he's too loyal..........oooooh - if only she knew.

At Sally's Kevin is playing at happy families, washing the dishes and making coffee. Rita is telling Sally about Mavis getting very friendly with the vicar. Sally goes into the kitchen to ask Kevin not to leave before Rita goes.

Then it's the adverts....

--------------------------------------------

Oh - what a surprise - they're advertising sales and holidays now. --------------------------------------------

and now for part two....

Jon is now sitting down for dinner with Dierdre and Liz. They are discussing why Jon has to work away so much. Jon says it won't be like this for ever. (I, for one, hope he's right - how long can Brian Park drag this rubbish out for?)

In the back room of the Rovers Jack, Vera, Alec, Betty and Natalie are eating their Christmas dinner. Vera mentions that Jack bought her bath salts for Christmas, just like he does every year. Jack says that Vera always buys him socks. Alec says he never buys "nowt for nobody". They start to discuss Christmas being a time for families being together. Betty realises that Natalie is being very quiet. Betty asks her if she'll be seeing her family this Christmas. Natalie says that she won't. It transpires that it wasn't only the residents of Coronation Street who weren't too happy about Natalie moving Kevin in to her house - her family also thought she was a sad old slapper and decided to have nothing more to do with her.

Back at Jon's second home (the one he shares with Dierdre). Jon is telling Dierdre that he has to go to Portsmouth as soon as he's eaten his dinner. He's made up a lame tale about the manager of that branch having broken his leg. Jon, it seems, is the only person who is capable of running the shop, so he has no choice. Dierdre is extremely annoyed - so much so that if it wasn't for her glasses being in the way her eyes would have popped right out of her head.

Judy asks Gary if there's any chance of them seeing Katie occasionally. Just to take her for walks or babysitting. Gary says that it should be OK and that he'll talk to Zoe about it.

Sally and Kevin are discussing how Kevin felt when he found out that Sally had been seeing Chris. They both seem to understand how each other felt. Sally asks Kev if he'll stay until after the girls have gone to bed. They're acting more like a married couple now.

Back at Jon's other house (the one he shares with his wife) Jon is home again. His wife has saved his dinner for him - ha ha ha - he's got to eat two dinners - serves the lying swine right!

The Rovers is almost empty. I don't know why they bothered opening. Alec is trying to comfort Natalie by saying that in time she'll get over Kevin, in the same way that he got over Bet. Natalie asks what happens if you don't want to get over it. Alec doesn't have an answer for that.

Fred, I say Fred, comes in with Ashley and orders his usual Scotch and threat, and a pint for Ashley. Gary goes over to Ashley and asks if it will be alright if he and Judy call over tomorrow to see the baby. Ashley says he'll check with Zoe.

Rita comes into the pub with Ken. Ken has had a wonderful Christmas day on his own. He said he could do what he liked, he could eat what he wanted, read what he wanted, and watch that Spice Girls video as many times as he liked (OK - I made that last bit up). Rita mentions that she had Christmas dinner with Sally. Natalie overhears this and asks if Kevin had been there too. Rita says that it's none of her business. Natalie looks a bit upset and asks Alec if she can go home.

Fred is telling Ashley what he thinks about Zoe, I say, he's giving the lad a bit of advice. He says he should get rid of her as soon as possible. Ashley says that Fred and Maude are hypocrites, and that at this time of year especially they should be more charitable. He says that Zoe can stay at his house for as long as she wants to.

Sally and Kevin have just finished putting the girls to bed. Sally asks Kev if he'd like another drink. He says that he will if that's what Sally wants. Sally says that what she really wants is for Kevin to move in with her again. Kevin says that he wants that more than anything in the world. Then they start to kiss, but not just any kiss, this is a snog to end all snogs, the sort of snog that can lead to having an extra mouth to feed...if you see what I mean.

So Kevin and Sally are back together again....and that's the end of a truly great episode of our favourite soap.

All that remains is for me to say Bye for now, and I wish you all you'd wish for yourselves.

Bye for now, Ian Harding

Friday 26 December

House: Boxing Day dawns at the Websters' with Kevin and Sally breakfasting with the children - he has spent the night. Kevin feels he ought to let Natalie know what is going on, but Sally doesn't want to dignify the 'other woman' with such preferential treatment.

House: Les enjoys a turkey sandwich for breakfast but neither of the girls will join him. Leanne teases Toyah about Spider being her boyfriend.

House: Dreary feels guilty at nagging Jon, but Liz cheers her up. They go off to the sales to buy a wedding outfit for Deirdre. Liz says she is too poor to afford even a new pair of knickers! (Funny, I didn't think ... Oh, never mind...)

House: Judy is desperate to visit the baby, but Gary wants to wait for Ashley to invite them. He is more interested in returning the money to Paul, even though he can't understand how Judy got him to lend it to them.

Street: Emily and Spider head for home with some shopping. Toyah catches them up and tells Spider about her Dad running over the turkey. Judy insists on dragging Gary over to Ashley's. Natalie tries the garage door, then looks daggers at No.13, imagining the scene inside.

House: Zoe is determined that the Mallets shouldn't see Shannon/Katie, otherwise they would steal her back. Ashley tries to persuade her to let them see her, but Zoe threatens to run away. Ashley explains, to Judy's distress. She takes her anger out on Gary and runs off.

Rovers: Vera tells Natalie she should find someone else if Kevin isn't interested. Les tries to sell Alec the leftover turkey. Gary goes for a pint with Martin, and moans that Judy is blaming him for Zoe recapturing the baby.

House: Kevin tells Sally that he must go to see Natalie. Sally is unsympathetic, but he insists on going to the pub.

Rovers: Gary confides to Martin that they had lied about Zoe stealing the money, and it was in exchange for Katie/Shannon - on condition that Zoe disappeared. Kevin tells Natalie that he has moved back in with Sally - mainly for the children. She puts on a brave face until he leaves. In the back, Vera sympathises as Natalie recovers from the shock. Alec comes in and finds out what has happened. He tries to be understanding.

House: Martin tells Gail what he learned from Gary, unaware that Nick is on the stairs listening. He says that Leanne had already told them that. Martin asks Nick to keep quiet about it.

House: Emily lays the tea things out for Ken while Spider rolls a cigarette, to Ken's astonishment. Spider insists that Emily doesn't mind him smoking in the house. Toyah calls for Spider, but he tells he can't see her and she should be with her friends her own age. She runs off in tears. While he and Emily are alone, Ken asks her about the cigarettes; Emily says they are herbal and she is OK about it. Ken makes his displeasure known to Spider, but Emily intervenes, saying it is quite all right. Spider puffs his joint contentedly.

House: Toyah munches a turkey sandwich in revenge. Leanne guesses that she and Spider have fallen out. Nick calls round, and can't wait to tell Leanne that Martin now knows she had been telling the truth about Zoe.

House: Judy sets off to take the money back, but won't allow Gary to go with her.

House: Zoe thanks Ashley for defending her - by cuddling up to him and offering her body in gratitude. Ashley is shocked and leaps up, saying that isn't why he did it.

Arcade: Paul is pleased to see Judy, and since there are no customers, decides to close the place so they can talk undisturbed.

Rovers: Jack suspects that Alec fancies Natalie. Alec denies it, saying his concern is purely friendly sympathy. Jack is unconvinced. Deirdre is pleased to have found a suit for her wedding. Vera promises not to tell anyone she got it in a sale, which deflates Deirdre a bit. Ken asks Emily if she realises that Geoffrey's herbal cigarettes are cannabis. She says that she knows they are, but it is better that he smokes them inside rather than risk getting in trouble with the police again. Ken smiles weakly as Emily says Spider doesn't know she knows - he thinks she is his 'dotty old aunt who'll believe anything.' Deirdre thanks Liz for keeping her company over Christmas, and vows to put her foot down when she and Jon are married.

House: Kevin is glad he told Natalie. Sally says she can understand why he wanted to. They toast the future, recognising that they have changed and must move on.

Arcade: Paul is suspicious they Judy was so desperate for the money, but now is returning it. She says she won't be working for him either. Paul says that the one night stand they had could be more. Judy angrily tells him to forget it ever happened. 'It did, though, didn't it?' asks Paul, with a warning tone to his voice, as Judy walks away.

Episode written by Peter Whalley

That's all for 1997. A Happy New Year to all update readers and CS fans, cast, writers and crew if you read this.

Helen Johns

Sunday 28 December

Hello There!

Sorry about you not getting the updates but I am a new updater and have only just got the mailing list set up

Here we go, with the last Sunday update before 1998:

This episode was brought to you by them chocolate making people from Birmingham

This episode starts with Zoe and Ashley clearing away their breakfast. Ashley reminds Zoe that she had said that she would go after Christmas.

Judy tells Gary that she wants to move because everybody is sticking their "twopenneth in". Gary finds some daft reasons to stay.

Kevin and Sally finish their breakfast, Sall suggests that Kevin should cut all ties with Nastily. Kev promises to ask her about selling her share in the business.

Leanne confronts Gail in the Cafe, Gail refuses to apologise after calling her a liar. Gail says that none of this would ever have happened if Leanne hadn't opened her big gob in the first place.

In the shop, Emily overhears Ashley talking. She suggests Zoe going into a Catolic Hostel. Ashley says that he will suggest it to Zoe

Alf tells Audrey that he can't go shopping with her in the morning. When she asks when he doesn't want to tell her. Eventually he tells her that there is a very important vote about the millennium. Audrey wants to know more. Alf tells her that they are planning to build a kind of Theatre on the Red Rec. Audrey laughs. Alf tells her not to tell anyone.

Leanne confronts Judy in the Rovers. Judy says that she will never apologise to Leanne. Vera takes Judy into the back.

Break

Vera tells Judy that she hasn't done anything wrong. Even when Judy tells Vera that they had given Zoe the money, Vera remains loyal to Jude. She says "You had the best of intentions"

Kev asks to speak to Nastily. He asks her to sell her share in the business. She tells him that it all she has left. He says that she is being difficult. She says that she is going to give Chris is job back.

Zoe has been to see the hostel, she thinks they are OK

Audrey hasn't told anybody about the millennium yet and she's known for 10 minutes. So she tells Gail in the Cafe. Toyah overhears.

Toyah tells Spider that they are going to chop down some trees on the Red Rec. to make way for the millennium. Spider goes all superman-like and says "don;t tell anybody until we know that it is definite".

When Spider tells Emily, she says "Well, the millennium is important. Afterall, it only comes every 1000 years"

When Gary comes home, Judy wants to know why Gary told Martin about the little deal.

Kevin tells Sally that Nastily is just being difficult and refuses to sell her share in the business. Sally tells Kevin that it might be a good idea for him to sell his share. He tells her that it is his livelihood. She says that he should put his marriage before his job

HAMBO

Monday 29 December

It's breakfast time, again, this time chez Webster. Kevin questions the validity in selling out to Nastily - he'd be cutting off his nose to spite his face. He wants to continue as they are, and be grown up about working together. Sally reluctantly agrees.

In the shop, Maud is keen to learn about Ashley's plans for New Year's Eve, which appears to be 'tonight'. Ashley claims to be going to a mate's party, but then she realises he'll have to be at home, changing nappies etc. For herself, her dance card is quite full: Police Band, Bingo, Sing Song around the piano...entertainment for the brain-dead. She says she might go to the Rover's so as to avoid Percy Sugden.

Zoe and Shannon come in. Zoe has news: she's been offered a place at the catholic church hostel for wayward girls in Newton Heath. She goes off to pack, saying it'll take her all of 10 minutes.

Outside Fiona's salon, Audreh and Alfeh are talking. Curly arrives, and asks Alfeh for confirmation about the Council's plan to build Sydney Opera House on the Red Rec. Apparently a little bird told Martin, and he told Curly last night in the Rover's. The guilty little bird suddenly has to go to see to a woman under the dryer, and so escapes Alfeh's accusations.

Spider is reading the paper at Emily's, and can find no mention of the Concert Bowl plan. Emily wonders if Toyah has made it up to get closer to Spider. He goes off to make a phone call.

Back in the Street, Audreh admits that 'it just slipped out'. Alfeh is a bit cross, she tells him to 'chill out' (!)

Over at Dreary &Jon's, Jon is on the phone to Steve Cappell. Or that is how it seems to Dreary. Hearing only Jon's side of the conversation she learns that Bill Murphy has called in sick and that Jon has to work New Year's Eve. Dreary is bent on giving Steve a piece of her mind, so she snatches the phone off Jon. Jon, natch, hits the disconnect, explaining that Dreary's intervention would get him the sack! The neck muscles are in fine form as she tells him to stand up for himself and say 'No'. She says it says a lot about their future, if he can't spend the first night of the year with her. He retorts that her statement says a lot about her faith in him, three weeks before their wedding. "You surprise me" he finishes, and walks out. Dreary mutters "I only wish you'd surprise me sometimes". Dreary luv, you really ought to read the script for the next episode, what you get up to on the evening of New Year's Eve.

Spider is spouting forth in the cafe about the lack of consultation about the Weatherfield Concert Bowl. Alfeh comes in, and Spider asks him to comment about the project. Alfeh thinks it will attract the World to Weatherfield - even the Spice Girls! (Not that they'll be around by next xmas let alone the one after). Spider quotes a headline for an article in the Gazette 'Council pulls Red card on Red Rec. Locals call Foul' "How d'you feel about that, Councillor?"

In the Rover's, Natalie is bleating to Chris that she's not jumping to Kevin's idea and selling her share. He's not interested in her giving him his job back.

In the corner of the bar, Dreary is telling Liz that Jon's putting work first, again. Liz has her suspicions, and wonders if perhaps Jon has another woman somewhere. Dreary is not in the slightest offended by this idea, but sticks up for Jon saying she'd know, she's been there before, and anyway, Jon doesn't have the imagination!!!

--------------End Of Part One--------------

Spider turns into the Street from Rosamund Street, and is caught by Toyah. He's been to the Gazette, and they're interested, if they're sure of their story.

Nastily calls on Kevin, and tells him she's not selling, nor in answer to Kevin's suggestion, will she buy his share. All she wants is a return to the status quo. She can be grown-up about it if Sally can. She takes the books away prior to the VAT man.

Zoe again goes to the shop to stock up. Ashley wants to buy her goods - a big pack of nappies, as a leaving present. Maud suggests that her leaving is an excuse for a celebratory cup of tea - and let's push the boat out with a packet of biscuits. Sally is in there too, and when Chris comes in they seem to pass strange smiles, and Chris forgets what he came for.

Then Emily comes in for a packet of soya milk, followed by Alfeh for indigestion tablets. Alfeh blames his indigestion on the worry Spider has given him. Maud wants to know why 'the people' weren't consulted.

Chris calls at Sally's, all smiles and charm. He wonders whether they're still mates. He suggests she invites him in for a coffee, but Kevin and Natalie are over the street, so it's not a good idea. I wonder.....

Dreary wasn't expecting Jon home this early, so there's no tea ready. She's got her stern face on. He tells her that he's working so hard to prepare for their future. "I'll make it up to you" he says. Dreary tells him Liz's suggestion that he has another woman, and isn't working all those hours. Jon is incredulous.

Ashley gets home to find that Zoe has done grilled steak for him. She's also got a homemade leaving card with Shannon's handprint. Ashley is very pleased.

Jon is still laughing about Liz's suggestion. He says that he's still trying to prove himself to her, after the fake pilot business. He's heard about a forthcoming vacancy which would mean more working from home - this is why he's keeping 'well in' at work.

Baldwin buys a drink for Liz in the Rover's. Liz wants to know how he always comes up smiling after every setback.

At the bar, Roy is talking 'environmental'. Some quote or other is recognised only by Natalie. She says of Roy that 'here is a man who knows fifty ways to tie a knot'. Roy says that his memories of scouting days are not uniformly happy. (Note to Granada scriptwriters: don't you dare make Roy into a paedophile. It might be fashionable at the moment, but not our Roy, please).

Back with Mike & Liz, he offers her a machinist's job, despite her total lack of experience. "You can thread a needle? Then start Monday"

Ashley also has indigestion, Zoe suggests she put him over her shoulder and burp him. He's beginning to be sorry that she's leaving, as he's never lived on his own before. She hopes he gets back with Maxine, but he says it'll be on his terms if they do. He doesn't like the idea of Zoe and Shannon living in a strange place, and suggests that they can stay longer. There is a bit of a cuddle.

Back at the Webster's, Sally is pensive. She is concerned that when she saw Kevin and Natalie earlier, they looked 'so normal'. Kevin reiterates that 'It's over', which Sally says is understood by her head, but not accepted by her heart. She can't accept them continuing to work together. She's being doing some calculations, and if they sold Kevin's share, and she worked full time at Underworld, they'd have a lump sum left. But who would he sell to, Natalie can't afford it, and buyers aren't exactly queuing round the block? Sally insists that he dumps it, because "I'd rather starve in a gutter than go through all that strain again". As a final comment she apologises for saying it, but "Kevin, you owe me...... "

Episode written by Jan McVerry

Happy New Year to all my friends out there in ratucsland!!

Dewey

Wednesday 31 December

Greetings one and all, and a happy new year to everyone.

Many apologies for the lateness of this update. Unfortunately the New Year revelries got slightly more exuberant than I anticipated, but I suppose its better late than never. So without any more ado.......it's on with the show...........and what a cracker it was too.....

Ashley and Zoe are playing happy families. Zoe thanks Ashley for letting her stay at his house. She says that the hostel she was going to move in to wasn't right. As Ashley goes to work he kisses Shannon on the forehead. Zoe says to Shannon "I bet you wish he was your dad don't you?" Shannon simply blows milky bubbles - perhaps she misunderstood the question.

As Ashley walks out of his front door he sees Maxine. "Hi Maxime" he says "at least you could talk to me". Maxine isn't interested in talking to him, even though he explains that there's nothing going on between him and Zoe. She simply wishes him a Nappy New Year. In the background we see Sir Roy going into Emily's house.

Roy has called round to see Emily to let her know that there's a protest meeting in the Rovers at 8 o'clock tomorrow. Emily shows Roy a letter that she has sent to the local newspaper outlining their feelings about the official vandalism which the council are planning for the Red Rec. At this point Geoffrey jumps up and says that Emily and co are in for a nasty surprise. He says that you don't get things done by writing letters to newspapers, and that the only way forward is direct action. He calls Emily and Roy "Protest virgins" "Language Geoffrey!" says Emily.

Geoffrey becomes rather agitated saying that if it comes to it you have to be willing to lie down in front of tanks, and even be willing to be crushed by the tanks in order to save the world. I didn't realise that Weatherfield council had an armed militia, but perhaps Geoffrey knows something that the script writers haven't told us about yet. Anyway, Geoffrey storms off saying that he's going to the Red Rec to see where they should build the barricades.

Roy turns to Emily and says "Y'know, saying that he's a vegitarian, it doesn't seem to have made him anaemic at all..."

At the cafe Nick is talking to Leanne. They are arranging what they're going to do this evening. Since Gail and Martin are going to see the new year in down at the Rovers, and Nick is babysitting for them, he and Leanne can see the new year in in style at his house. In the background we see Gail looking at Leanne in a very hostile way. Leanne says "I bet your mum's looking at me now int she? I can feel it on the back of me neck"

Just then Sir Roy arrives back at the cafe "The protest meetings all arranged for tomorrow night in the Rovers". Toyah asks if Spider's going. "Spider? Who's Spider?" says Gail. "Oh, it's what Emily's nephew calls himself" says Roy "I don't know why". "Oh it's..." Toyah is interupted before she has chance to enlighten us all by Roy saying "And I don't want to know why".

At Kev and Sally's house discussions are afoot about how to get Natalie to sell her share of the garage. Sally tells Kev that since all the money comes to him he should simply tell Natalie that there isn't any money. Sally thinks that Natalie will soon sell up if she's not getting an income. I think that Sally's been at the 'stupid tablets' again. Sally also tells Kev that he should give Chris his job back.

Fred arrives at his corner shop to take Maude and Ashley on the annual staff outing. He says its been a long hard year and he wants to take his happy little band of workers to the Rovers for a celebratory drink. "Ashley put your face straight" says Fred to a miserable looking Ashley "I'm paying!" "He's been miserable all day" says Maude "No I 'aven't" says Ashley. "He's pining for his lady friend, I say he's pining for his little waif and stray" says Fred. "Is that what it is Ashley?" asks Maude "He's well rid of her" says Fred. Ashley says that he's not well rid, and that in fact she's still living with him and that she can stay as long as she likes. With that he goes home, leaving Maude and Fred looking totally baffled.

In the Rovers Martin and Curley are having a pint together. Martin is telling Curley that Nick is babysitting for him and Gail tonight. Curley seems to find it hard to believe that a teenager would be willing to give up his New Years Eve like that. Martin says that it's also Nicks seventeenth birthday today, and that he's probably going to have Leanne round, "He's probably on a promise" says Martin "So not a word to Gail. She'd rather stay at home from now until doomsday than let Nick get close to Leanne". "Have you noticed?" says Curley "that men seem to spend a hell of a lot of time not telling women things".

Fred arrives at the Rovers with Maude. "I'll be glad to see the back of >1997" says Fred "It's been a very trying year" he turns to Maude and says "and you know why". "Our Maureen?" says Maude "Yes" says Fred "and now our Ashley's making a fool of himself too". "I suppose she is using him" says Maude "That's what women do all the time" says Fred "I've had my fair share, I say I've had my fair share" "What? Women?" asks Alec "No" says Fred "Not women as such. Their machinations - that's what I've had my share of"

Geoffrey calls to see Toyah at home. He has a Polaroid photograph for her. "I bet you've never seen one of THOSE before" he says "Ey up!" says Les "what's going on, and what's this?" he grabs the photo from Toyah "it had better not be owt rude" "It's a hairy ground wort" says Geoffrey "it needs protecting". "That's not the only thing that needs protecting round here" says Les.

Back at the Rovers Liz and Dierdre are talking about Liz's new job at Mike's factory. Dierdre says that Liz must be really looking forward to it. Liz says that she wishes she had what Dierdre had to look forward to. Dierdre says "I know - I'm really lucky"

Then we're with the scum-bag lying fake ex-pilot and his family. He's sharing a bottle of Champagne with his wife, telling her how lucky he is to have such a wonderful wife and such wonderful children. His wife says that his boss is horrible to take advantage of such a nice man as Jon.

Back in the Rovers Liz and Dierdre are still talking. Liz asks where Jon is right now "At the airport" says Dierdre. "Ey, why don't you get a bottle of Champagne, jump in a taxi, and go to the airport and surprise him?" says Liz. "Ey, what a brilliant idea" says Dierdre "I'll do that".

----------------------------------------------------------------

Then it's time for the adverts

Do people actually buy the rubbish they see advertised on the telly?

and now...........part two......

----------------------------------------------------------------

Martin and Gail set off for a night out at the Rovers. Martin makes it clear to Nick that he knows what's going on, but that he won't be telling Gail. As soon as they are out of the way Leanne arrives "I thought they were never going to go" she says "I'm freezing". "Never mind" says Nick "I'll soon warm you up".

Dierdre is at the airport, bottle of Champagne in hand, ready to surprise the love of her life. She goes into the tie shop and asks the sales assistant if she can see Jon. "He's not here, he's on holiday" she says, "No that can't be right" says Dierdre "he told me he was working". "No" says the sales assistant "He's off for two weeks over Christmas. He was saying how much he was looking forward to spending some time with his wife and children". Poor Dierdre is gob-smacked. She can't find the words to express her feelings, so she just says "Oh, thank you" and wanders off to find a quiet place to collect her thoughts.

In the Rovers Kev and Sally arrive. Alec tells Natalie that as a late Christmas present to her he'll serve them. But that her new years resolution has to be that Kevin and Sally are just customers.

Mike and Angie are also in the Rovers. Mike is telling Angie that he has given Liz a job as a machinist. Angie isn't very happy that Mike has set Liz on without consulting her first. Janice overhears what Mike is saying and says that it isn't fair, setting on unskilled machinists when there are lots of skilled ones looking for work. Mike tells her that as it was Janice and her mates that caused Liz to lose her job at the pub she'd better keep her mouth shut.

Back at Gail's house Leanne and Nick have just finished doing whatever it is that young people do when they are alone together (I'm far too old remember that sort of thing). Nick tells Leanne that he's going to Scotland for a couple of weeks and asks her if she'd like to come with him. She says that she's never been to Scotland and that the only thing she knows about it is that you can get married at sixteen there. I always thought you could do that in England too, at least that was true twentyfive years ago when my brother was stupid enough to do just that.

Back at Manchester airport poor Dierdre has managed to collect her few wits together, and has gone back to the tie shop to find out Jon's address. The sales assistant is very helpful and tells Dierdre where he lives.

Zoe and Ashley are at home talking about what a good mother Zoe is becoming. Zoe says that she didn't feel like a mum at first, but that now she does. Zoe tells Ashley that he should be out at the pub with his mates, but Ashley says he'd much rather be at home with Zoe. "Really?" asks Zoe "Yes" says Ashley. The next moment Zoe and Ashley are snogging passionately.

Dierdre gets out of a taxi. She asks the driver to wait for her. "I won't be long" she says. She walks up the driveway to Jon's house. As she does she sees Jon and his wife through the window.

Back in the Rovers Kevin asks Chris if he's found another job yet. Chris says that he hasn't, so Kev asks him if he fancies coming back to work at the garage for a few days. Chris says that if it's OK with Sally it's OK with him.

Fred is explaining to Geoffrey that he is just as much an animal lover as Geoffrey. "But you're a butcher" says Geoffrey "A master butcher" says Fred, "and as such I'm all in favour of cattle and sheep and such like roaming around in green pastures as nature intended. Because the finest meat comes from summat that has looked over a gate and felt the sun on its back". "Well to me that makes you a barbarian" says Geoffrey "I'm proud to say that I'm a vegan". "In that case" says Fred "the sooner you get back to your space ship and return to the planet Vega, the better I'll be pleased".

Vera asks everyone to be quiet. She turns the radio on just in time to hear Big Ben ring in the new year. "Happy New Year" she says. Everyone in the Rovers wishes each other a happy new year, except Natalie. Natalie just stands in the background looking upset.

Someone else is looking upset tonight. It's Dierdre as she knocks on Jon's door. Jon's wife answers the door. Dierdre says "You don't know who I am do you?" "Who is it darling?" says Jon as he comes to see who's at the door. "Hello Jon" says Dierdre, then to Jon's wife "I'll tell you who I am. I'm the woman who doesn't exist" Jon's wife looks confused, Jon just stands there looking. "And d'you know something?" continues Dierdre "You're the other woman who doesn't exist". And with that Dierdre walks away and gets back in the waiting taxi.

"Who on earth was that?" says Jon's wife "What's she on about?" "I've no idea" says Jon "I'm as much in the dark as you are". Ooooooooh Jon! You can't half tell 'em!

And that's it. Another classic episode of our favourite soap.

Bye for now -- Ian Harding


Written by Peter Dewhirst, Ian Harding, Helen Johns and Hambo

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