Sunday 1 March

Dear Update Readers,

I came into the office tonight (which is no mean feat, given that I live three miles away) to prepare some exam papers and check my email when what do I find? A letter of sheer desperation from one Ian Harding, the guy to whom this week's Sunday update has been entrusted, who is in something of a blind funk because (a) his video recorded the wrong programme and thus he can't do the update; and (b) he's leaving on holiday in the morning (ten days nude abseiling in Fuengirola) and thus won't be able to record the repeat. In other words, he can't do tonight's update at all and wants to know who can. Well, I'm always ready to give a man a helping hand, especially if he's desperate, and so since I am here anyway, I'll do it. But please bear in mind that (a) I shall be writing the update from memory and thus apologise in advance for anything I miss; and (b) mine will be considerable shorter than Ian's would have been. And, Ian dearest, you owe me one, okay? And I reserve the right to determine exactly how you are to pay me back. (Don't worry, Ian mate, it's not *really* like having a bowel operation without anaesthetic - that's just a rumour).

Anyway, down to business...

The Update: Sunday, March 1st

The mills are all shut, there's a recession on and times are hard. What do Jim 'So It Is' McDonald and his 'mucker', Gary Mallett, do at times like this? Well they're too young (just) to draw a pension and they're too old (just) to sell their bodies, so they have little choice but to sit and moan. And that's what they're doing at the outset of this episode: sitting in the van and bemoaning their fate. Gary is so hard-up that he can't even afford a bag of crisps, and so stupid that he refuses Jim's offer of a pint in which to drown their sorrows. "Don't worry," Jim says, "Something will come up, so it will." (I don't actually remember whether he said 'so it will', but it sure feels as though he did.)

Back at the cafe, Hayley is waiting for Roy to respond to her little revelation. To say that Roy is gobsmacked would be an understatement. He looks winded, punch-drunk, as though he has taken an invisible blow to the solar plexus. He simply has no point of reference to which he can have recourse, no emotional machinery with which he can process this new information. His expression is now shocked, now haunted, now bewildered, now dismayed. The truth has not registered, and nor does Roy want it to. Someone once told me: There's nothing wrong with castles in the air; it's when you try to live in them that the trouble starts. Well Roy has the look of a man who is watching his castles disintegrate, one by one.

At Shagworld, Chris has the happy and contented look of the cat who has just lapped up the cream. He can't believe his luck: he'd only called round for a couple of minutes for his books and now, an hour or two - and several helpings of chopped liver sundae - later, he's still here. And seated before him is the reason why: Samantha 'The Future is Orange' Failsworth, once frostier than the Russian steppes but now fast turning into CS's very own mobile sperm bank. Bathed in a soft, post-coital glow that precludes any need for lamps or candles, Sam tells the about-to-depart Chris that they must "do it again sometime".

Back at the cafe, an incredulous Roy is still wrestling with Hayley's revelation. Life for him is simple, he says: he likes trains and stamps and he has his cafe, and that is all he knows. Hayley endeavours with great subtlety to let him into her world by telling him about her childhood, about the horror of being a woman trapped inside a man's body, about the taunts and the insults and the rejection and the depression. Under normal circumstances, these are things which would spark off empathy in Roy, who is obviously no stranger to the heartache of isolation and alienation, but he can't digest it. He can't digest it because he is in too deep; his heart is too caught up and he cannot stand back and judge objectively. And so he stutters and flusters and blethers and babbles, all the time wishing that it wasn't happening.

At Fiona's, Pam returns and offers to look after Morgan while Fiona has a break. Fiona lies through her teeth and tells her that she has a perfectly happy life and that the only thing she wants is for Pam to be gone. Pam tells her that she is just a phone-call away, for "That's what being a mother is, as you yourself will find out." (My mother would have said, "Well suit yourself, you stubborn little gobshite", as she has said to me on numerous occasions. (Actually, Fiona's getting off lightly where her mother is concerned. I dread to think what my mother would have done had I produced a sprog 'out of wedlock' and called it Morgan. "How am I going to hold me head up at Mass," she would have said, "knowing that everyone knows I've got a grandson called Morgan?")

Back at the cafe, Roy is nearing mental and emotional meltdown. Hayley simply wants to know whether Roy will go on being her friend, but all Roy wants to be is alone, and he asks Hayley to leave. Two worlds silently implode as Hayley takes her coat and makes for the door, leaving a dazed and confused Roy alone in the darkened cafe.

Chez Baldwin, the phone rings. It's she-of-the-throbbing-tendon, Deirdre Rachid. She's phoning to tell Mike that the court case is due to start in two weeks' time and that she is ready to return to Weatherfield. However, she has nowhere to go: she has obviously burnt all her bridges with Ken, and La Mouton is away somewhere. Mike jumps in straight away and offers her his and Alma's spare room. Alma has no choice but to acquiesce, although it's clear that she's not over the moon about her husband's ex-bit of totty shacking up with them for a fortnight. Alma tries to make a few excuses but they are too feeble to be taken seriously and so Mike gets his own way: Deirdre will be staying with them. Alma makes a mental note not to buy any root vegetables for the next two weeks.

The next morning, Gail realises that all is not well with Roy, but she is unable to wheedle an explanation out of him.

At Firman's Freezers, Spider and Toyah arrive to ask Curly whether he has complied with their demands that he remove all of the Norwegian prawns. A smug and self-satisfied Curly replies that he has no intention of complying with them; what is more, he has ordered extra supplies of beef, pork, lamb, pate and venison - in short, all of the things likely to raise the hackles of Spider and the rest of the inhabitants of the planet Vega.

At the Rovers, Betty is about to serve Chris when Samantha almost breaks her neck rushing to serve him first. A few feet away, Mike Baldwin is telling Ken Barlow about Deirdre's impending return. "And she's coming to say with us," he says gleefully, "because you didn't want anything to do with her. How long were you married to her? Ten years? And you refuse to support her during her court case." Mike ends his impression of a Relate counsellor by giving one of his legendary "I-am-considerably-better-than-YOW" sneers, while Ken repairs to another part of the pub to mull over life in general and to deliberate upon his sad life and all those wasted opportunities. (But he's still not boring, allegedly).

At the cafe, Roy is alone. (Well actually, Steve McDonald and his old girlfriend Rachel are seated at the window table). As I said, at the cafe, Roy is alone. Rachel wants to know why Steve went round to Fiona's; Steve replies that he and Fiona are just good friends. Roy is just staring ahead, into space, and Rachel flatters herself beyond measure by thinking that Roy is staring at her.

Back at the pub, Jim is doing him impression of 'Larry the Leper': first he is rejected by Steve and Rachel, who have teleported from the cafe to the pub at the speed of shite, and then by Judy, who still thinks that Gary should do the dirty on Jim and accept Steve's offer of work. Gary, loyal to a fault, says that he will never give up on his mucker.

Chris "I-have-not-spilled-onion-sauce-on-my-trousers-and-yes-I-am-very-pleased-to-see-you" Collins arrives at the Rovers to suggest to Sam that they go play hide the salami again once she finishes work. Does Samantha accept his offer? Is the Pope Catholic? Does Kevin Webster spend all his spare time in the Oxford Road cottage? Talk about enthusiastic: you can almost hear her moistening up. Anyway, she is flirting with Chris when.....Des walks in. He had gone to Bangor, obviously couldn't, and is now back in Wetherfield again. Poor Des! When the cat's away, the pussy is having fun. Sorry mate, that's how it goes. And that's how it went, until Monday night.

Regards, and sorry it was a bit impromptu...

(Ian Harding: you have a lot to answer for.....)

Love, CP


Monday 2 March

OK, OK, I know I said never again, but Ian is on holiday. He appealed to me - and I did owe him one from a few weeks ago ...... so here it is - positively definitely my very last update.

Mike's Flat: Alma tidies the flat as Mike sits in the armchair reading the paper. He eventually realises that she is tidying up for Deirdre. Mike says he doesn't understand why Alma is bothering - since she didn't even want Deirdre to stay. Alma just flashes her eyes at him in a hard stare.

Des's House: Sam insists on a lingering goodbye kiss. Des remarks on how attentive she has been all weekend, and Sam at least has the good grace to blush and look away. Des is off to Newcastle, and asks her to go with him, but Sam says she has to work Natalie's shift at the pub. Sam reassures Des that she loves him. He mistakes the sadness in her face for missing him.

Street: Steve stops Fiona after her third trip around the block. She says it is the only way to keep Morgan quiet. Steve realises that Fiona is fed up and suggests she go out, he offers to find a baby-sitter. Fiona thinks he means himself and replies that he is not a suitable baby-sitter - mainly because he isn't female. Gary escapes from his house but Judy follows him to the door since she was in mid-nag. Gary must not forget to buy the washing powder. Judy sees Steve across the road, and tells Gary he has to ask for the job, even if it means crawling. Over the road, Fiona and Steve agree on the time she can go out. Gary comes over, and Steve says he is happy to take him on. Fiona also accepts Steve's offer, and Steve modestly shrugs 'Just call me Mr Fixit.'

Mike's Flat: Mike and Dreary arrive with her stuff. She thanks him for his support, but worries what Alma must think of her. Mike assures Dreary that Alma insisted she stay and treat the place like home.

Firmans: Alma finds a sympathetic ear in Hayley as she moans about her new house guest. There is a nice little bit about people seeing you before your makeup is on and your hair done, and whether that is the real you, which Alma disagrees with. She says the real her is the made up dressed up hair done version. Hayley certainly seems to empathise with this. Alma hates the thought of sharing her home with another woman, even one in a crisis. 'Why should I automatically bond with her just cos she wears a bra?' Curly interrupts to find out why Hayley has taken so long. Hayley skilfully diverts the conversation to prawns. Then an awful moaning noise emanates from the front entrance. They rush to the front of the store, and Alma realises it is whale music, being played through Toyah's ghetto blaster. The protesters are there, carrying banners reading No to Norway Prawns and Boycott Firmans. Curly rushes off to get his metaphorical harpoon. Or at least phone the police, who turn out to be unable to do anything unless the protesters actually commit an offence. Hayley complains about the noise. Curly stabs randomly at the buttons on the phone and is connected to Environmental Health.

Roys Rolls: Steve persuades Rachel to accompany him to Fiona's that evening to baby-sit. Gail gently tries to talk to the gloomy Roy, assuring him he will find someone some day. Perhaps even the next person to walk in. Which turns out to be Betty Williams. Roy spreads the margarine onto the bread with such feeling. Gail bangs on about women not being interested in looks or money. Roy's spreading gets faster and more agitated as Gail says he has a lot to offer. Roy quietly says 'And you, are incredibly patronising, Gail' and goes back to his work.

Break

Firmans: The whale music continues and Toyah, Emily and Spider march around on the pavement. Toyah wants to stop as she has rubbed a blister, but Spider says they must keep going so as not to be an obstruction. Toyah decides she has had enough of being ignored and marches into the shop. Curly forcibly ejects her, ignoring her protests that she wanted some shopping. Curly loses his temper and shouts at them. Spider suddenly gathers up the banners and the ghetto blaster and storms off.

Mike's Flat: Alma arrives home from work to find that Deirdre has taken over her kitchen and cooked a meal for them all. Mike's favourite, no less. Deirdre apologises again to Alma for imposing on them, but Mike cuts her short, insisting she must regard it as her home. What can Alma do but agree?

Roys Rolls: Emily and Spider arrive for a cup of tea. Roy apologises to Gail for his manner, explaining that she doesn't know all the facts, and it is private. Toyah proudly shows Spider her next tactic. A ransom note made with the letters cut out of newspaper print. It reads ONE BAG INJECTED WITH MERCURY REMOVE ALL PRAWNS FROM SALE OR ELSE Toyah eagerly awaits Spiders verdict. He wearily explains that their principles are peaceful protest, not bully boy tactics - even though it is meant to be a hoax. On the bottom, she has signed it with her name for the group - PRAWN LIBERATION ORGANISATION and Spider and Emily laugh at PLO, as someone got there first.

Rovers: Chris holds court over a gaggle of giggling women hanging on his every word. None more so that Sally, who is sitting next to him. Judy implores Gary not to feels guilty, but be pleased about the job and think of the money. Kevin scowls as he watches Sally and Chris from his place at the bar with the lads. Gary buys Jim a drink and tells him that he will be working for Steve. Jim accepts that they need the money. Steve is surprised that Rachel accepted so willingly going to Fiona's, and Rachel says it is acting grown up; they know where they stand: Fiona has the baby; Rachel has Steve. Kevin grumpily goes off to get his kids from Martins as Sally makes a big show of giggling with Chris.

Mike's Flat: Alma thanks Deirdre for the meal as Mike answers the door to Ken. Deirdre is not pleased to see him, but tells him the police haven't got Jon yet, which makes her appear guilty. Ken asks her to move back into No 1 and Mike takes great delight when Deirdre tells Ken to stick his house. Alma looks less happy at the news that Deirdre intends to stay with them.

Fiona's Flat: Fiona is surprised when Steve presents Rachel as the experienced reliable baby-sitter, but get ready anyway to go to Maxine's. Rachel cuddles the baby as Fiona issues instructions. Steve shuts her up and sends her out. (Fiona is already abbreviating the silly name to an even sillier short version - Morg. I ask you!?) After she has gone, Rachel has a go at Steve for not warning Fiona that it was she who was baby-sitting.

Rovers: Roy settles down with an orange juice and a book (I'm sorry but I just couldn't make out what book it was) Sam is upset to emerge from the back or the cellar or wherever it was and find Chris has left. She tells Betty she has a headache and needs a walk round in the fresh air. Hayley approaches Roy and he gets up to leave. She pleads that they must talk. Roy hurriedly puts on his coat, saying as he goes 'Please Hayley - or whatever your name is - leave me alone!' Hayley looks crestfallen and sits down. Gail comes over and has a go at her for not breaking it to him gently. Hayley looks worried, then realises Gail doesn't know what she is talking about. Hayley says that some things are not easy to hear - however gently they are broken. Gail is unconvinced.

Street: Chris opens the door to Sam. She flirts a bit, by accusing him of making her jealous by flirting with the girls from the factory. He denies being a flirt.

Kevin's House: Sally picks a fight with Kevin because she was talking to Chris and he was with his mates. Kevin is upset that everyone knew what went on, and Sally shouldn't be with Chris. Sally naively says that Kevin must accept her friends as she accepts his. And anyway, Sally says, Kevin should think himself lucky that he goes home with Sally while Chris is alone.

Street: Chris, however, is far from alone as he is kissing Sam. Though he doesn't want her to go in, saying he wanted a night on his own. Sam apologises and sheepishly makes her way back in the direction of the pub. Credits.

Episode written by Jan McVerry

And that, as Nigel would say, is yer lot! Helen xxx


Wednesday 4 March

Dear Update Readers, Before I tell you all about Wednesday's episode, let me just clarify one small point. Someone emailed me from New Zealand to complain about my 'attacks' on Glenda Young. Well let me put your minds at rest. My 'attacks' on Ms Young are launched very much in a tongue-in-cheek vein, and I have no intention of offending or upsetting her. Heaven forfend! Actually, Glenda and I go back a long way. As you've probably gathered, we work for the same academic institution and, in our capacity as employees, our paths do often cross.

However, I knew Glenda Young long before I came to work at the University. I first met her several years ago in hospital: I was visiting a friend in the detox unit, and Glenda just happened to be 'drying out' in the next bed. We've been friends on and off ever since. I gave her moral support during all three of her court cases, and she has been there for me whenever I've felt low. (Whenever I feel low, I always take comfort from the thought that there is always someone worse off than me - and that someone is, invariably, Glenda Young.)

But all roads lead to Rome, as they say, and my life is connected to Glenda's in quite a few ways. Apart from working at the same place and sharing a love for CS, we are both Virgos (Glenda's birthday is August 23rd 1942 and mine is August 31st 1962); we both love California; we both enjoy Guinness; and we have a mutual friend called Ruth, who is possibly the most humourous woman on the planet. (Ruth has known Glenda longer than I have; Ruth actually knew her before the operation, when Glenda was still *Glen* Young). In addition, I recently discovered that I live only two doors away from Glenda's probation officer. Small world, isn't it? So please, 'Concerned of Wellington', be concerned no more!

And now, down to business....

UPDATE FOR WEDNESDAY MARCH 4TH

The episode opens at the Baldwins, where Alma is waiting impatiently to be driven to work while Mike gives Deirdre a pep-talk on her imminent first meeting with her barrister. Mike's telling Deirdre that *she* should call all the shots, which, given her track record, is possibly the worst advice he could give her: putting Deirdre in charge of anything would be like asking Herod to run the local creche. Mike tells her that she doesn't have to accept the barrister's counsel, for "the good thing about advice is that you don't have to take it." "Presumably," says Alma, "that includes your advice too?" Deirdre just sits there in her dressing gown, glummer than glum, all hope fading fast. If anyone had a case of the 'reverse Midas syndrome' - i.e. everything you touch turns to shit - then it is Deirdre. Leaving her with the cheerful thought that prison is indeed an option, Mike and Alma depart.

In the Street, Toyah is asking Spider whether he'll be protesting outside Firman's again today, because when she's finished at the cafe, she'd like to join him. Spider says that he'll go on protesting as long as it takes. Cue the appearance of Curly, whom Spider addresses as 'Captain Ahab'. Curly tries to suck up to them by saying that he is really on their side, and that as the manager of a small supermarket he is only doing what his bosses dictate. This elicits from Spider an allusion to the time-honoured excuse of countless Nazi collaborators: Ve vere only following ze orders!

Meanwhile, Fiona is getting Morgan ready for his first trip to the baby clinic. Predictably, Steve is there, ingratiating himself and intimating at an imminent split with Rachel "You-too-can-have-a-lobotomy-like-mine" Forbes. Fiona pre-empts him by saying that there is only one man in her life, and that is Morgan. This doesn't stop her from using Steve as a dogsbody, however, for she gets him to hump Morgan's carry-cot downstairs.

At Shagworld, Des is quizzing Tango Girl on her plans for that evening. Samantha has nothing planned as such, which pleases Des because he is planning a "lad's night in" watching the soccer on the box. "You wouldn't want to spend an evening with a load of lads," says Des in so many words. ["Not unless they all form an orderly queue," you could almost hear Samantha thinking]. Samantha feigns dismay and hints that she might spend the evening with Natalie. [Which I imagine would be a bit like sitting through the Nuremberg trials, only without the humour]. As he leaves, Des gives her a cheesy smile and Sam reciprocates; only once he has gone, her smile turns to a devious grimace as thoughts of neighbourly salami fill her head.

At Firman's, Curly is still trying to appease Spider. "I'm not your enemy," he says. "I do my bit for Greenpeace; I vote Labour; and I put bread out for the birds and little bowls of water so that they can have a drink." None of this impresses Spider, however, and he pumps up the volume of the whale music by several notches.

Inside the store, Hayley is trying to explain her contretemps with Roy to Alma, but Alma doesn't want to know. "What you do with your life is your business," Alma protests. Hayley clearly feels that since Alma was instrumental in bringing her and Roy together, it is only fair that she be told why they are now apart. They are interrupted at this point by a bewildered Curly, who is deep in doubt and threatening to do a Paul on the road to the Damascus. "What if Spider is right?" he moans. He says that maybe it is indeed wrong to sell prawns, all in the name of capitalism. Curly voices his regrets at having made so many enemies over this issue, to which Alma replies: "You just want to be loved!" And Hayley, her voice serrated with regret, chips in with a poignant "Don't we all." Curly finally concedes that Spider is right and duly orders Hayley and Alma to take all the prawns off the shelves and put them in a back room.

At the cafe, Roy is depression personified. A well-meaning Gail tries to chivvy him up a bit, but Roy is having none of it. How irritating it is, he says, when someone who knows nothing about the nature of your problem tries to jolly you out of it. Gail apologises, but says that Roy should phone Hayley anyway and sort things out. "I don't want to phone her," comes the reply, "and I don't want to see her ever again." [This could only happen to Roy. Just as he is about to embark on a relationship with the first woman he hasn't had to inflate, she turns out to be a s/he. Poor Roy: go to the corner shop, buy a pound of carrots and take them round to the Baldwins: Deirdre will understand!]. At this point, Aunty Em arrives for a bite to eat, but first checks to see whether Gail serves prawn sandwiches or whale casserole. "Since Geoffrey (Spider) has been living with me, it's become second nature to check these things!" she beams. "I'm turning into a real eco-warrior!"

Back at Firman's, our other eco-warrior, Spider, is shocked to learn that Curly has capitulated. Curly tells him that all the prawns have been removed and thus the whale noises have to stop. Spider turns off the tape, but warns Curly that it can just as easily be turned back on.

It's lunchtime at the Rovers and Big Red is propping up the bar for her pre-prandial vodka. Enter Deirdre, who has obviously come in for something to settle her nerves before the barrister's meeting. Big Red welcomes her warmly and asks her what she's having to drink. "A red wine", says Deirdre - which is strange, because red wine in CS usually signals sub-duvet activity. [Unless, of course, it is a coded message alluding to the fact that Deirdre is about to be shafted by her barrister, metaphorically speaking of course.] Big Red - along with everyone who posts to RATUCS - wants to know why Jon hasn't been collared for all the same charges as Deirdre, especially since it was his name on the mortgage. "That's one way of looking at it," says Deirdre, tendons at the ready, "but I wonder whether the barrister will see it that way."

Cue the barrister's office, with Deirdre and Frankie Stillman in attendance. The barrister is something of a pompous old fart who has clearly not read the case notes and keeps forgetting Deirdre's surname. Not exactly the kind of legal advisor to inspire confidence, but Deirdre is desperate and eager to comply. Drained of all emotion, she starts to tell the barrister her tale of woe.

Thankfully, at this point we cut back to Firman's, where Curly is on the phone to Eric. Eric, it seems, is not best pleased with Curly's unilateral decision to jettison the prawns, and orders him to put them back on the shelves. An exasperated Curly cannot but bow to his boss's wishes, and hurries to tell Alma and Hayley of the new diktat. And he arrives just in time to save Alma from embarrassment, for Hayley, frustrated by Alma's refusal to listen to her story, has been threatening to broadcast it from the rooftops. "If you don't listen to me, I'll stand here and shout it out, and you'll be embarrassed because it's all about sex!" Alma gives in and agrees to meet Hayley later that evening in the Rovers. Curly, for his part, likens the whole episode of the prawns to the tale of the Grand Old Duke Of York, who had to march his troops up the hill and then down again. [I've always admired the Grand Old Duke Of York: anyone who can have 'ten thousand men' and still be able to walk, let alone march, gets my vote].

By this time, Deirdre has finished her story and the barrister looks as though he has lost the will to live. Everything hinges, he says, on the five thousand pounds that Deirdre claims to have lent John: if she can prove that she gave him the money, then the jury will understand. Naturally, Deirdre cannot prove a thing.

At Shagworld, Des has rounded up some of his mates (Curly, Martin and Kevin) for a "boys night in" - drinking lager, watching soccer and generally 'bonding'. They are all sprawled out and relaxed, happy at the prospect of a good game. [Kevin looks particularly pleased to be there, for thanks to a rather infelicitous camera angle, he appears to be sporting what looks very suspiciously like a woody.] Des tells Martin to call on Chris and ask him whether he wants to come. [Too late, Martin, he probably already has]. Martin returns with the news that Chris is 'otherwise engaged', and naturally they all conclude that Studley is sinking the beef torpedo into some poor yet willing target. "Good luck to him," says Des, unaware that the target in question is his own chaste and faithful Samantha. Poor poor Desmond, enamoured as he is of a loose loose woman. [And loose in more ways than one, because for Des, sex with Sam will soon be like throwing a banana up the High Street].

At the Baldwins, Deirdre is sitting at the dining table, contemplating a pile of paracetamol capsules. [Cue 18,000,000 voices, in unison: "Swallow! Swallow!]. But in the nick of time, Mike arrives. "What are you doing with those tablets?" he says, a look of genuine alarm on his face. "Oh, I had a headache," says Deirdre. "Have you taken any of them?" Mike enquires. "No. Why, did you think I might want to kill myself?" says Deirdre. She offers him the jar and tells him to take them. [Which I thought rather unkind; when you have just been saved from suicide, it's not the done thing to suggest that your saviour top himself - but I know what she meant: she wasn't thinking straight, poor poppet]. There then flows forth a huge and steaming torrent of self-pity from the bespectacled one. "How could I have been so stupid? No-one will believe me. I just hate being me! I'm the most stupid person on the planet. I should be put in prison, just for my own protection. I should be locked up forever." Mike attempts sympathy, and to a certain extent succeeds, which must be a first for him.

While this little psychodrama is unfolding, at the Rovers, another tale is being told. Hayley slowly and gingerly reveals her secret to Alma, who is quietly stunned and can't quite believe that this sweet young female sitting opposite her was once called Harry. "Were you a man in...every sense?" asks Alma, falteringly. "Yes, every sense," says Hayley. And she goes on to explain about her unhappy childhood, spent as a female trapped in a male body. "Of course, Roy was horrified," says Hayley. "Are you?" For a second, Alma is unsure whether she is horrified or not - but then says that she is not at all horrified, and that she is only too pleased that Hayley has told her. Alma's closing line: "This isn't turning out at all like I expected!"

But Alma has one more surprise, for when she goes home, she learns from Mike that Deirdre has been playing about with pills. Mike says that Deirdre is deeply depressed about the whole business, and is terrified that she will end up in prison. "Will she?" asks Alma in a tiny voice. But Mike has no idea; even he is starting to have his doubts.

That's all, folks. I don't have time for an "As I See It" this week because I've got this ongoing problem with my mother. She's only been hooked up to the internet for three weeks and she's already landed herself in a load of trouble with various newsgroups; I've had five emails from her - and two about her - while I've been typing this update out, so I have to get back to her and sort her out before she closes her server down indefinitely. Mothers! Who'd have 'em? Anyway, I promise an "As I See It" next time.

Until then, love, CP


Friday 6 March

Des has his head buried under the car bonnet, it (allegedly won't start). Just then Chris arrives, and Des asks him to have a look. Perhaps it was all a pretext for Des to ask if he had a good night, and that "When Martin said you had a bird in there you should have seen Kevin,s face!"

Alma is polishing the dining table, Dreary comes down to ask about Mike. Dreary needs to know she knows about the bottle of pills. "Enough", says Alma. Dreary can,t decide whether she had really contemplated suicide, and apologises to Alma who calls the whole idea selfish. Dreary is lower than low, and can see herself being gaoled, she says that if she ever sees Jon Lindsay again it would be murder she would go down for. Alma wants to be assured that she can go to work and not be worrying about Dreary trying to gas herself in the oven - because the oven needs cleaning. Dreary tells her to get off to work, and that she might even clean it herself.

Steve catches Fiona when she's putting the advertising boards out. He offers to babysit any time again, but Fiona isn't happy because Rachel would be involved. Steve questions whether the situation would be any different if he weren't going out with Rachel.

We,re back at the garage, where Chris is presenting Des with a verbal bill for getting the car going - an hour's labour and a callout charge. Des questions the callout charge for walking down the street, so they settle on a beer instead. Sam comes over and Des asks her to get Chris a pint next time she serves him. While Des cuddles Sam, and Chris walks away, Des tells Sam that Chris comes across as a likeable lad, but he reckons there's a lot we don't know about him. He tells her that Chris had "someone in there last night, and I wouldn,t put it past him for it to have been Sally". Sam looks coy as Des leaves.

In the Kabin, Rita is stacking cigarettes like a two year old stacks plastic bricks. Alma comes in, and stumbles. She blames this on preoccupation with worry, and tells Rita about Dreary and the pills. Alma needs to go to work, but at the same time feels she needs to be at home keeping an eye on Dreary and the knife drawer. She's just popped round, and Dreary has gone shopping. Rita agrees to call round later with some magazines, but not to mention that it's a mission for Alma.

Toyota and her sullen chums have descended on Firman's Freezers. As she is handling a re-stocked bag of Norwegian prawns, Curly sees them and walks over. "Ere Curly". "Mr Watts to you". "Scandinavia, that's near Norway innit?" Curly comments on the intellectualism in the eco-warriors, but Toyah tells him that school has "atlases, maps n' that, I'll find out". She puts the prawns back in the freezer, and the school party leaves.

Alma is putting change into her till. Hayley comes over. She thinks Alma is avoiding her since her explanation about her past. Alma assures her that's not the case, and Hayley asks her to speak to Roy, because he respects Alma, he'll listen to her. Alma, a bit out of character, retorts "What is it with me? Have I got a big sign over my head saying Dump Your Troubles Here?". Hayley makes to go, but Alma calls her back and suggests that the only person who can talk to Roy is Hayley.

Kevin, Sally, Des are at the bar, served by Sam. Sally asks Sam if she minded giving over the house to the footballers. Sam explains that she didn't stay in. Des suggests the four of them go out for an Italian meal to make it up to the girls. Kevin hurriedly protests that they might not get a babysitter, but Sally asks Chris, who's at the end of the bar. Sam isn't too keen either. Chris is happy to babysit, but of course Kevin has to find fault again, and suggests they're overlooking Rita in the babysitting stakes

In this next scene there is proof that the catering course that Vera went on has paid dividends! The menu (even though Vera seems to be away) is not confined to Betty's Hotpot or Betty's Hotpot. Betty brings Steve McDonald a plate of Meat Pie AND CHIPS. Are these the first chips seen to emanate from the Rovers, kitchen? Whatever, he is soon joined by Rachel, who steals a chip. It is apparent that Steve has decided to finish with Rachel because he tells her he can't go out for a meal with her tonight because he's promised to babysit again. Rachel points out that he had promised to go out with her, and he can't have it both ways. She kisses him and leaves.

Sally reports back that Rita can't babysit so she'll ask Chris again. Kevin tries to resist, saying that the girls will get confused if Chris is back on the scene. Sally puts Kevin straight - there's only him seeing anything in it, and she's not going to let his paranoia stop them having a good night out.

Steve goes back to Fiona's, and reminds her that there's now no barrier to his babysitting, he's finished with Rachel. Further, there's no barrier to them getting back together - "I love you, you love me, that's it" Fiona tells him that she can't let him ruin her life again. As he leaves, he tells her that "I'll never tell you I love you, again"

END OF PART ONE

Toyota has been looking for Spider, and finds him and Auntie Em in the Rovers. She's only able to pass on her news that Curly has double crossed them, before Betty Williams chucks her out for being underage. Spider and Emily follow.

Pam has arrived at Fiona's because she "sounded awful on the phone". She senses that Fiona,s been crying about something, and Fiona admits it's Steve. This horrifies Pam, and Fiona tells her about Steve's visit and his undying love that got extinguished.

Outside Firman's Freezers, our eco-warriors are demonstrating about the Norwegian Government and Whaling (this is getting a bit tedious n'est ce pas?), and Curly comes out to explain that the prawns went back on sale because it's company policy. "It's very easy to have principles when you have no responsibility" Curly tells Spider. Curly has called the Police, who arrives single-handedly to learn from Emily that it is a symbolic protest, the Norwegian prawns signifying the Norwegian Government,s stand on Whaling. PC Plod suggests that rather than do it in the street, "Why not go to Old Trafford and protest about them importing Norwegian Footballers?". Spider retorts "Ha! Tried getting into that ground lately?" "Aye, tickets like gold dust". Suddenly Plod has become sympathetic to Spider, and though he still tries to move them on, he readily agrees to let them continue their protest, but silently, and not right outside the store.

Sadly, this compromise is ruined by Toyota, who arrives with her rent-a-mob schoolfriends, Curly beams as PC Plod tells them the protest is over.

Pam tells Fiona that her Dad would go mad if she told him about Steve - especially when Fiona admits that she wants him back, nobody has ever made her feel the way that Steve does. Pam tries to tell her that she can't turn the clock back, she's just remembering the good bits, and forbids her from taking him back. Fiona realises that she let him go, that afternoon, and she doesn't think he'll come back.

In Firman's Freezers, Leanne makes her only appearance of the episode. Toyota has enlisted her help. Whilst Leanne creates a scene by accidentally on purpose getting run down by a trolley being pushed by Hayley, Toyota is pouring antifreeze all over the bagged frozen prawns.

In the Rovers, Sam tells Chris that Des thinks Chris is seeing Sally, and she's worried that she's going to be talking in her sleep about Chris. Chris was sure that Des knew about him and Sam, but now, perhaps he doesn't. He promises there'll be other nights for them.

Curly buys Alma a G&T, and tries to buy drinks for Emily and Spider, but they won't be bought. Then he gets into conversation with Steve McDonald, and tries to give him advice on his love-life having lost Rachel and not won Fiona. Steve, getting drunk by now, reminds Curly that as his wife ran off to Kuala Lumpur to massage businessmen, Curly is possibly not best qualified to give marriage guidance.

Mike arrives, and asks Alma if Dreary really is fit to leave on her own. "She's not on her own, Rita's there". "Oh, the suicide watch" grins Baldwin, then breaks the news that he's got to go back to work.

At the suicide watch, Rita is explaining that Alma only encouraged her to visit because she thought Dreary would want to see a friendly face. Dreary has a theory that Alma would rather she wasn't there. "Whatever gives you that idea?" "Oh, just paranoia". "Listen laydeh, as long as you've got friends like Mike & Alma, you'll get through this, and don't you forget it."

As Rita leaves, Dreary notices that she has left her chiffon scarf behind, so she takes, it hoping she'll catch Rita. As she approaches the door, there is a ring at the bell. Obviously Rita has remembered, and come back for it. As Dreary opens the door to see the caller, a familiar fake pilot's voice says "Hello Dierdre". We see Jon, we see her face drop.

Then the Anglia TC voiceover announced "Next a new series, Airline,, following passengers and staff at a busy airport". I didn't watch it...

Episode written by David Lane

Dewey


Sunday 8 March

It's still Friday night down Coronation Street, and Dreary has just opened the door to Jon Lindsey. He thought she'd be somewhere round Coronation Street, and he has to speak to her. "No, you talk to the Police, right now!" demands Dreary. She picks up the cordless phone, though he catches her arm to stop her using it - "Don't touch me!!!" He says he's come to help her, but she tells him that the only way he can help her is by helping the Police.

Jon can't understand this, and feigns surprise when she tells him that "thanks to you I've been arrested, for your frauds". He had no idea etc, he needs to explain. Oh-oh, the same old lying Jon.

Both the Mothers Middleton are discussing the loss of Steve. Fiona is adamant that she's lost Steve for ever. Pam is sure that he'd back like a shot if Fiona were daft enough to let him.

Jon is convincing Dreary that he never thought for one minute that the blame would fall on her, and that he didn't do a disappearing act but took Linda off to Ireland to 'calm her down'. The neck muscles go into overdrive as Dreary rounds on him - "you fraud, you lied to me about your whole life, every single thing". Jon tells her that the lies were necessary, just to "have a life", because of Linda. He explains that he created a life for himself and Dreary because the life with Linda was unliveable. Dreary tries to remind him that he knowingly committed those crimes and made her live in a fantasy world of lies and deceit, with the result that she now has hit rock bottom and has a prison sentence hanging over her, because of him.

The smooth talking charmer tells her it won't come to that, and they should act immediately to start a new life together, somewhere abroad, leave it all behind.

Chris arrives to baby-sit for Sally & Kevin. Kevin is getting more paranoid - "Why do you put on that soft voice when you talk to Chris?" - "Don't start, Kevin." Des and Sam arrive, as they leave Chris to baby-sit, Kevin is the last out and sees Chris looking knowingly into Sam's eyes.

Mr Tie 'n' Lie is on the phone, collecting flight details to Venezuela. Dreary explains she hasn't got a passport, but Jon won't let that stop them, he'll see that she gets another in time (!)

Spider joins Curly at the bar, and Betty Williams wants to know all about the peaceful protest. Curly says it's all over, but Spider states that it's only the end of round one, the next stage is mass puking. Eurggggghh. Spider tries to buy Curly's drink, but he naturally refuses.

Martin and Gail, in a booth, are joined by Alma. Gail presses for information about Hayley and Roy, and Alma has to demonstrate ignorance of the truth. Fiona comes in to buy a bottle of white wine, but Curly launches into her, for apparently deciding that men are waste of space. He tells her that Steve thinks there's no point to his life anymore, everything he does is wrong, so there's no point in trying. And she shouldn't expect him to come crawling back just to get another kick in the teeth. Fiona wonders.

Dreary seems to be playing for time, wants more detail of what she's getting herself into. She pours him a drink, and asks whether she can trust him after all those lies. "Surely, when I found out you were a pilot surely then you could have told me the truth about Linda and the kids?" (Yes, she really did say 'you were a pilot' when she actually found out that he wasn't) " I mean why go from lie to lie until you're breaking the law?"

Jon, ever the smooth talker admits "Yes, you're right, I didn't know how to stop. I just so wanted the life I should have had, with you, but, I'll have all our future to prove myself to you. Why don't you let me? Say you'll leave with me, now". Dreary is taken in by this, and realises that "I've already lost what life I had here", and asks him to get her cases from under the bed, and empty the drawers into them. "New life, new clothes" she says, Jon replies "You won't regret this, I promise you".

When Jon is in the bedroom, she dials 999 and asks for assistance urgently at Number 4, Montreal House, Weatherfield Quays, unfortunately Jon comes back into the room and finds her on the phone. "Who are you calling?"

END OF PART ONE

Dreary tries to convince Jon that she was calling her Mother, "To tell her that I love her", Jon, seeing her squirm but playing along, reminds her that they're not disappearing off the face of the Earth, she'll still be able to phone whoever she wants. He tries to hurry her along, she goes off to sort her case.

In the Rovers, Steve is boring Gary, and the viewers, about his non-relationship with Fiona. He thinks she just wants him as a baby-sitter, and wants to stay on her own.

Alma is moaning to Betty about Mike keeping her waiting for a lift home, seeing as he will be wanting to get back to see that Dreary's OK. Mike soon arrives, but Alma makes him buy her another drink and go home when she's ready.

Dreary's ready to go, but thinks she ought to leave a note for Mike & Alma. Jon wants to get off, she wants to play for time, so she wants another drink. He apologises for giving her "a hellish time", but tells her he did it so that they could be together and "my other life would fade away".

Roy enters The Rovers, and orders a small whisky. Gail, still trying to get into his mind, offers to buy it. "It's all right Gail, you don't have to try and be nice to me". She tells him he can't carry on being miserable, but he will only say that "I'll put on a better mask". Very enigmatic, our Roy.

Sam, Des, Kevin and Sally arrive, and Des buys a round. Sally refuses a drink, saying it's time she went to check on Chris and the girls. Mr Jealous turns down the offer of a pint and goes with her. Of course Sam is looking sick because she can't be with Chris.

Gail decides it's time to engineer a meeting between Hayley and Roy. He is sitting alone, dejected. Gail describes him as "at least when he was with Hayley he was nearly a decent human being". Martin cautions her against interfering.

Jon pours Dreary another drink and asks if she's feeling brave enough to leave this life. "Let's drink to the end of Jon and Dreary". She misunderstands, but he explains that he knows she's just waiting for the arrival of the Police, because he had pressed 'Redial' when she was out of the room. He comments on the tardiness of their arrival.

At last there is a knock at the door, and Dreary admits a Policeman and a WPC. "There he is! Arrest him!" cries a nearly hysterical Dreary. Jon, doing his impression of a cucumber, tells the Police that they may as well take him down the Station, and he'll explain everything on the way. Jon tells her to "calm down, you're not helping yourself". She wants assurance that they'll arrest him, it's all his doing, but of course these Plod don't know why they should talk to him.

As Chris leaves, Sally tells Kevin that he doesn't need to watch her all the time. Kevin admits he's watching Chris, he thinks he's "more of a snake than you think, particularly after I caught him giving Samantha the eye. Are you jealous?" Sally sneers "don't be pathetic".

Toyota comes round to tell Spider how she fixed the prawns with antifreeze. Spider is proud of her, but he warns her to keep quiet about it. "You've done terrific", he says, a lovestruck Toyota replies that she'd "do anything for him, even die for him." Spider assures her that she's "more use to the Planet staying alive and free". Emily comes back from the telephone, but Spider doesn't tell her what Toyota has done, just that she's "had a run in with Goebbels Junior". Emily is surprised at Curly, acting so smugly and selfishly - "he never used to be like this".

Alma and Mike have come home by now, and are hearing all about Jon. As far as Mike can see, that's the end of it, Dreary will be off the hook. They drink to "the beginning of the end of it all".

Fiona is going into deep introspection mode explaining to her Mother that she's lost the only man who ever really loved her. "All I know is that he was there when I needed him..........deep down he loved me" She believes that she never loved Alan as much as she loved Steve, she loves him now but has left it to late to tell him.


Monday 9 March

As the cat settles on the roof, Curly unlocks the security shutters at Firman's. Hayley is waiting for him to open up, explaining her earlyness on a sleepless night. As they enter the store an unusual aroma teases their olfactory organs. Tracking down the source, and opening the prawns freezer, Hayley immediately recognises the smell as ethylene glycol - Antifreeze. Every packet ruined. (I'm still trying to work out the O-level physics in this. The freezers are -18 degrees, the bags are sealed. Surely pouring antifreeze on them wouldn't thaw them?)

Frankie Stillman is explaining to Dreary that she's not off the hook yet, just because the Police are speaking to Jon at last doesn't mean she's clear. "So I'm still guilty until we can get Jon to prove me innocent" Mike sees Frankie out.

DS Wyatt in interviewing Jon. Jon says "I've been a complete fool, I've allowed myself to get mixed up in something out of my control." He says that he doesn't want to get Mrs Rachid into trouble, but as DS Wyatt says, "It's a bit late for that. The non-speaking Police woman bears a striking resemblance to Myra Hindley.

Les deux meres Middleton are talking about how Fiona will cope when Pam goes home, which will have to be later today. Pam suggests that if she's really desperate she could call Steve McDonald. Fiona wants to know what it is that Steve has done, that's so wrong - then recounts all the things Steve has done right, and all the times he's been there when she needed him.

In the garage, Kevin sees Sam talking to Chris in the upper office, rather like Kevin used to do with Nastily. They are trying to work out when they can have their next tryst.

Out in the Street Sally has a few words with Des while he waits for Sam - they are going to the races. As they drive down the Street we see Pam leaving the salon, and catches up with Steve. Pam swallows all her hatred of Steve and tells him that she knows Fiona wants him back, but if he were to hurt her she'd be after him.

Curly sees off the Police, who have been to inspect the antifreeze. Curly's 'leetle grey cells' have realised that there was no forced entry so it must have been at closing time last night. Alma suggests the security cameras, but sadly they are out of range. Eric Firman comes along, and informs Curly that the store's insurance won't cover sabotage. Further, Eric is blaming Curly for the incident because the people who have been targeting the store are neighbours, and perhaps there is a personal vendetta? Eric wants an end to it.

Have you ever seen supermarket workers standing chatting? Alma and Hayley are doing just that, when Eric walks past without a word. Hayley explains again that she can't approach Roy, it's got to come from him. Alma wonders if a platonic friendship would suit Hayley, because that might not scare Roy off. Hayley brightens at this suggestion and decides to go to see him in her dinner hour.

Back at the garage Kevin instructs Chris to "meet your women somewhere else". Chris reminds Kevin of his liaisons there with Nastily, but Kevin counters that that was different, they were serious. Kevin then wonders if Chris is trying to work through all the women in Coronation Street, but Chris won't listen to any more - "You're my boss, Kevin, not my Dad"

Dreary is having a drink with Mike. She's pleased he's been in her corner, and comments that Ken ought to have been there.

McDonald Senior enters the bar, but Steve won't have a drink with him - he has something to attend to.

Back in the interview room, DS Wyatt is telling Jon that he doesn't see Dreary as the type of woman to force Jon to do all the things he says she has. Jon agrees - "that's the impression you get meeting her for the first time." As an example he claims that Dreary asked him to wear the fancy dress Pilot's uniform, first in private, then in public, and before he knew it, she had passed him off as a real pilot! He says that it got beyond a joke, but when he wanted to stop doing it she got hysterical and threatened to hurt herself. So he went along with it rather than risk her carrying out her threats.

Steve arrives at the salon to explain that he's been talking to Pam. "what's she been saying now?" "She told me you were upset, she told me I was the reason you're upset".

END OF PART ONE

Fiona is cautious, she still thinks she's lost Steve, but he tells her it's not too late, even after everything she's said about him. They kiss. Aaaaaaaah.

Curly storms into Emily's house, and accuses Spider of the antifreeze incident. Emily won't have this, and Spider denies it. Emily asks when it happened, but Emily provides his alibi. Toyota chips in with "I don't know why you're getting so worked up about a couple of bags of frozen prawns". Ah ha! Curly 'Hercule Poirot' Watts has got her - "and how did you know that it was the frozen fish section that was attacked?"

Back to DS Wyatt who brings out a copy of Ian Jenkin's mortgage application form. Jon admits that it is his writing and his forgery of the signature. DS Wyatt wants to know why? Jon explains that it was to go along with Dreary's plan, she had to have that house, and it had to be a man posing as Ian Jenkins. He had told her it would never work, but she's a hard woman to refuse. "And the Gold Card?" Jon professes to know nothing about the Gold Card being on Ian Jenkins's account, he thought it was hers. "Oh no!! We furnished the entire house on that card!!" But didn't Jon ever wonder where the manageress of a travel agency had that sort of money? Jon says he assumed that she inherited from her late husband. He can't believe that she's forged Ian's signature on the card application after everything he's done for her. What a snake, eh readers?

Toyota is being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition. Curly knows she did it, but Emily gives her an alibi - they were watching a documentary on TV. After Curly leaves Emily asks Toyah straight - did she do it? With a shy smile, Toyah admits it. Emily is horrified - how dare they, Geoffrey who should know better and Toyah who hasn't got enough grey matter to know she's done wrong, how dare they make her lie for them?

The Lady in the Red Anorak looks for Roy in the cafe, but he's gone to the bank. Gail sees this as an opportunity to tell a few white lies to bring them together. She says that Roy had told her that it had all come out wrong and he didn't mean to make her unhappy. Hayley is cheered by this, and agrees to Gail's suggestion that she come back after work to see Roy again. A very happy smiling Hayley rushes out.

The Websters have finished their chips, or whatever, and discuss the state of the Des and Sam relationship. Sally wonders if Sam's really seeing Chris, Kevin assures her that he must be after what he saw this morning.

It's after tea-time, and Hayley returns to the cafe. Roy is surprised to see her, though Gail is beaming at having engineered the reunion. Hayley tells him that Gail had told her how he felt, which concerns Roy. He tells her that she has been misinformed, and it would be best if she left, right now. "I think it's for the best if we don't see each other again". A very sad Hayley turns and walks away.

Steve buys Gary a drink to celebrate getting back with Fiona. Jim comes in on the back end of this and asks if the celebration is for a big property deal. "Yeh, that's right. Tough competition, but got there in the end."

Emily and Spider are in a booth, and Curly comes by to tell them there will be an arrest. Spider asks about insurance, and is troubled to learn that they were not covered for sabotage - and that Eric Firman is laying the blame on Curly. Again Spider tells him he didn't do it, and that he is sorry it's got Curly into trouble.

Des comes in with Sam, and orders a pint. Sam insists on champagne instead as she won £50 at the races - off Des the Bookie. She and Chris catch eyes over the bar. Kevin can see this, and comments to Sally that Des has no idea - "Poor Des". Ooops, tact, Kevin. Sally rounds on him with "Nobody said Poor Sally when you were playing around with That Natalie. Men! You're such hypocrites!!" As she storm off, Des says "Ooh dear, something we should know about?"

Ken comes in, and finds Mike and Dreary in the bar, with his arm on the back of the bench behind her. He's delighted that Jon is being questioned. Mike teases him about his conscience, but Ken was not prepared to perjure himself. He will, however, help in any other way he can, but Dreary tells him that won't be necessary, Ken is the last person she'll turn to.

DS Wyatt is still interviewing Jon. He summarises that Dreary has said how Jon lied from the first moment, but now all the offences have come to light he's trying to blame her for them. Jon thinks for a moment says that he knows Dreary is desperate, but he didn't think she could be malicious. He then explains that the third party in this deception is Ken Barlow, who knew Jon wasn't a pilot, but cooked up a story with Dreary. "Ask him - he can tell you who the liar is".

Episode written by Andy Armitage


Wednesday 11 March

Dear Update Readers,

Before I tell you about one of the most entertaining episodes of CS in recent months, I have some good news and some bad news. I'd better give you the bad news first.

Unconfirmed reports have it that one Ruth Carey - the 'original good time that was had by all' - is lurking on RATUCS and may indeed 'grace' us with a missive or two any day now. Why is this a problem? Well, if I tell you that Ruth is one of Glenda Young's cronies, you'll understand why. Ruth used to be in the army but was thrown out on account of her chronic nymphomania ('penile dementia', to use the correct medical term). Not for nothing is she known in Aldershot as "the officer's mess". Glenda Young claims that Ruth is a reformed woman, and now heavily into CS. Well we shall see. Of course, she'll probably post anonymously, but you'll be able to recognise her messages from their subject matter. So if you see the occasional off-topic post with the title "Entertaining on a Budget: How to get through the entire England Under-23 Rugby team on a pack-of-three" or "One Swallow does not a Blowjob make: The Thrills and Spills of Oral Sex", you'll know straight away that it's the aforementioned Ms Carey.

But now for the good news. If you've read the very lovely Graham Allsopp's victory post entitled "Too Chuffed...", you will know that RATUCS has achieved celebrity status with a mention in this week's Radio Times (on sale now from all good newsagents). I understand that other websites such as Who's Who in CS (run by Graham) and the Visual Update Page (run by that veritable Colossus of a man, Mike Plowman) are also mentioned indirectly. Well all I can say is 'about time too!' Graham, Mike and all of those unsung heroes who make these sites so entertaining and successful are indeed deserving of our praise, encouragement and appreciation. I am not a prolific surfer of the Web, but "Who's Who" and the Visual Update Page are definitely my favourites, and they make sites like 'Men Out Of Uniform' look amateurish by comparison. Congratulations all round.

But the appearance of RATUCSers in the Radio Times does not end there, for if you turn to page 121 and look at the "Prayer for the Day" slot (Radio 4, 6.25 a.m.), there's another surprise in store. Yes, folks, it's yours truly. (Stop that sniggering at the back there! It's really no surprise that I should be doing 'Prayer for the Day', given the regularity with which I can be found down on my knees). I bet you didn't know I had a serious side, did you? After all, there *is* more to life than sleazy clubs, loud music, Bostik and nipple-clamps. (Not much more, but enough to make a difference).

And so to our favourite topic, Coronation Street. The weeks are just flying by: no sooner have I finished one update than it is time to do another. (As Socrates once said, "Time is like beauty: it is in the sigh of the beholder", which is pretty profound coming from someone who was into shagging little boys.) Personally I have reached a stage in life where I no longer tick off the days on a calendar or count birthdays, and I really think that this is the answer. If you simply refuse to grow old and develop wrinkles, you won't! Besides, if God had wanted us to develop wrinkles, He wouldn't have invented Oil of Ulay, would He?

Anyway, down to business...

The episode opens with Mike Baldwin standing in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie and whistling a happy tune. Alma wants to know why he is so chirpy. His answer? Well, they've got Jon Lindsay, haven't they, and so Deidre will soon be in the clear. A somewhat alarmed Alma, who clearly wants Deirdre off her patch, comments on how involved Mike has become with the case, to which Mike retorts: "Well she *is* my mate!" "No," says Alma, firmly: "I am your mate!" She then asks him whether he would go to as much trouble for her (Alma) were she ever to be in Deirdre's predicament. "Of course not," replies Mike, "because you're hardly likely to run off with a bogus pilot, are you? Not when you've got me, that is." Alma at this point makes a mental note to ask Deirdre for the address of that singles bar...

At the garage, Sally brings some sandwiches (Salami? Chipolata?) for Kevin, although what she really wants is to chat with Chris. Kevin appears too soon, however, and her plans are thwarted.

Having just purchased his copy of "Clear Conscience Monthly", Ken 'Mr Principles' Barlow is standing outside the Kabin, chatting to Big Red. He is telling her about his impending trip to the police station, and Big Red is offering reassurance. "It's only natural that they should want to speak to you," she says, "since you were the one who caught Jon out as a liar in the first place." Ken says that he is actually glad to be helping the police with their enquiries because it will give him the opportunity to "make it up to Deirdre".

At Firman's, a troubled Hayley is trying to buttonhole Alma yet again to bring her up to date with the latest news of her non-relationship with Roy. "You're the only person I can tell all this to," says Hayley, "because you're the only person I know who is in a happy, stable relationship." Alma grits her teeth and suppresses a sardonic smile, her run-in with Mike over the Deirdre problem still fresh in her mind. (I half expected her to say, "There are three of us in this marriage; it's a bit crowded..."). Hayley tells Alma how she approached Roy in the belief that he missed her and wanted to see her again. That was what Gail had told her, but obviously Gail had been lying. A well-intentioned lie, perhaps, but a lie nevertheless. The stress of it all is too much for Hayley and the poor poppet departs in floods of tears. I too pulled the Kleenex a little nearer...

At the Kabin, Leanne is ribbing Toyah mercilessly about the latter's plans to seduce Spider. "You get Spider on his own for the evening and you want to show him a video on trees?!" she squeals incredulously. "We like trees," objects Toyah. "They're interesting and you can learn a lot." Leanne's hoots of derision fill the Kabin: "Well me and Nick like trees," she says - which is hardly surprising given that Nick is actually part of one - "but trees are for having picnics under, not for watching on the telly!" Leanne then asks Rita what she thinks of Toyah's choice of video. Big Red, ever the voice of experience and good counsel, opines that as long as Toyah and Spider share an interest, it doesn't matter what it is. However it's clear that Toyah's interest is not purely arboreal: the video on "Deforestation" that she has borrowed from school is obviously intended as foreplay; this much becomes evident when she asks Leanne if she can borrow one of her skimpy, sexy tops. "What do you want one of my tops for," says Leanne, "if all you're going to do is watch a video on trees?" "So she can distract his attention from trees," chimes in Big Red. Leanne eventually agrees to lend Toyah her top and, as her sister leaves on cloud nine, remarks in a voice full of womanly wisdom: "These young girls of today!"

Chez Fiona, Steve is looking for reassurance. He says that he needs to know whether Fiona really wants him back or not. Fiona replies that she is tired and stressed and really can't be arsed with all this soul-searching. "After all," she says, "I have a new man in my life." Steve winces momentarily as his Calvin Kleins turn deep ochre. Then, as his IQ climbs slowly back up into double figures, he realises that Fiona was referring to Morgan. (Or 'Morgue', as he is to be known henceforth). Fiona spells it out as clearly as she can without actually resorting to blackboard and chalk: "Although there is a new man in my life, that doesn't mean that I don't want the old one back." Steve flashes a cheesy grin. "Of course," Fiona witters on, "I can't pretend that I'm not nervous. I don't want this to be a 'rebound' thing." [An extremely tedious scene, this: really a case of the bland leading the bland. The kind of scene that makes sticking red-hot needles in one's eyes a very attractive option.]

At the cafe (or was it the pub? The previous scene left an indelible blank on my mind), Sally is buttonholing Chris about his burgeoning relationship with Orange Girl. She can't believe that he and Samantha are carrying on like this virtually under Des's nose. But it soon becomes clear that Sally's concern for Chris is purely peripheral: what she really can't understand is why Chris is bedding Samantha at all. Chris's claim that his relationship with Sam has nothing to do with the emotions and everything to do with the genitals fails to placate Sally, who says: "I thought I was something special to you, and not just another notch on your bedpost." Chris asserts yet again that what he and Sally had was indeed special, and that they would still have it if Sally had not given him the elbow. At this point, Sally's eyes brim with tears of regret, and the pain of lost opportunity. [I always said that she was a twenty-four carat fool to give Chris up and take Kevin back. Since she and that snotty little grease-monkey got back together, all they've ever done is bitch and bicker at one another. And if she did it for the sake of the children, she's an even bigger fool than I thought. Staying together for the sake of the children is always a mistake, and especially so in the case of Rursie and Surfie, who are never there anyway: they're either on their way to bed or washing their hands ready for dinner. Besides, kids raised solely on white bread and baked beans probably wouldn't have enough grey matter to know what's going on anyway]. Yes, dear readers, I'm afraid that Sally is lingering in the icy grip of the green-eyed monster. This scene was actually a very touching one, and I pulled the Kleenex box a little nearer still...

At the cafe, Alma is trying to intercede with Roy on Hayley's behalf. At first, Roy dismisses Alma and tells her in his typically obtuse manner to mind her own business. But then she tells him that she *knows*. Yes, she knows all about Hayley's 'predicament', as Roy calls it. Roy's expression changes and suddenly he is all ears. Alma tells him that whatever her predicament, Hayley is still Hayley; furthermore, she is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. People in difficult situations need support, she says, and Roy should offer Hayley all the help he can rather than continue to snub her and cause her unwarranted grief. Roy agrees. He then goes on to applaud Alma's own commendable efforts to support "Mrs Rachid" in her hour of need - unaware, of course, that Alma has just sent an order off to Haiti for a Deirdre Rachid doll and several hundred small pins. Roy tells Alma that he will speak to Hayley, but what should he say? Alma advises him to tell Hayley how much their relationship once meant to him, and how he finds her "interesting". "Think of what you want to say," says Alma, "and write it all down." Roy promises to do just that.

On the other side of town, Mike and Deirdre are sitting in Frankie's office. A jubilant Mike presumes out loud that it's all over, now that Jon Lindsay is banged up in police custody. Frankie shakes her head and tells them that it's far from being all over. Not only have the charges against Deirdre not been dropped, but events have taken a turn for the worse. Like the dreaded Kraken, Deirdre's neck tendons stir from their slumber, while purveyors of root vegetables everywhere remind themselves to put in extra orders. Frankie repeats the story that Jon gave to the police, namely that while he admitted to forging the mortgage signature, he did so only because Deirdre persuaded him. Indeed, the Drear put him up to everything, threatening suicide if he refused to comply. Cue straining tendons and eyes on stalks as Deirdre has a go at painting the chair yellow. And cue my Kleenex box, inching ever nearer as we go into the commercial break...

When we return, it is clear that Deirdre has been having a good bawl. "You'd built your hopes up, hadn't you?" says Frankie. "And I warned you not to do that." The gist of the sorry tale is that according to Jon, Deirdre put him up to everything - the lie about his being a pilot, the mortgage, everything. Everything, that is, apart from the gold card, of which Jon denies all knowledge: Deirdre obviously forged the signature on that one herself. Worse than all this, however, is the fact that the police consider Jon to be a credible witness. Deirdre has by now exhausted her thesaurus of emotions and simply sits there, numb and limp. As indeed do I, until...

The next scene, and the appearance of the one-and-only DS Wyatt! He is grilling Ken [Oh to be grilled by DS Wyatt!] on how well Ken knows the Drear. "Very well," enthuses the Moral One, "because I am her ex-husband." He then proceeds to dig Deirdre's grave by giving her a glowing character reference. It's damaging, of course, because he paints a picture of the Drear as a strong-willed woman of integrity who is not easily led. DS Wyatt concludes therefore that Deirdre is something of a smooth operator, in charge of her own destiny, who would never allow herself to be deceived and who could be quite capable of manipulating others for her own ends. The sting in the tail, of course, is the fact that Deirdre colluded with Jon in his "I am a pilot" lie; moreover, she got Ken to play along with the lie too. DS Wyatt points this out to him; cue a squishy, splatting from Ken's direction as the third pair of pants this evening turns brown.

Back in the Street, Chris is telling Kevin that he has been talking to Sally, who disapproves strongly of Chris's affair with Sam. Of course, Sally would never have found out about it had it not been for Kevin's big gob, which Chris suggests that he shuts in order to prevent the rumours from going any further.

"The things people do for love!" exclaims DS Wyatt, back at the police station. He is expressing his incredulity at the weird and wonderful scams that people - women especially - attempt to pull off, all for the sake of the good old beef torpedo. "Woman, eh?" he sneers deliciously. There is a feeble attempt on Ken's part to defend Deirdre, but as far as DS Wyatt and his silent female side-kick are concerned, the Drear is clearly beyond redemption and will soon be on her way to the Big House - thanks partly to the Barlow principles. Et tu, Kene? What a toss-bag. [The look on his face was - once I had Dettoxed the screen down and could see it properly - a joy to behold].

At the Websters, Sally and Kevin are bickering again. Kevin accuses Sally of blabbing to Chris; Sally says that since Chris is her friend, she felt it was her duty to talk to him about his clandestine affair with Orange Girl. Kevin is unable to accept this 'friendship' between Sally and Chris - a friendship that Sally feels so deeply, it would seem, that she is quite comfortable discussing Chris's sex life with him. Kevin thinks this is outrageous. Sally counters by saying that she wishes someone had sat down with him (Kevin) to warn him off poking Nastily Horrid. Her parting shot is: "You're jealous: that's what this is all about.2

Across the road from Firman's, Hayley, who has been out to buy stamps for Curly Watts, bumps into Roy. Theirs is an uneasy, faltering exchange, but Roy finally admits that he had been on his way to talk to her. "What did you want to say, Roy?" begins Hayley. And so out comes Roy's notebook and, lo and behold, he reads aloud what he has written to Hayley at Alma's behest. "Dear Hayley," he says...and then goes on, in a nutshell, to describe how much he has always valued her friendship; how his feelings for her are unlike anything he has ever experienced before; how much he would like to continue their friendship; and how he has always found her interesting. "Yours," he concludes, "Roy...Cropper." Hayley's face gently lights up and she moves in to give him a peck on the cheek but is pre-empted by the Cropper mitt as Roy makes ready for an uneasy handshake instead. [Pure magic, this scene, and I have to admit that a tear did fall. But no Kleenex left, I'm afraid: they all seemed to get used up during the DS Wyatt scene.)

At the Rovers, Steve and Fiona are having a drink. (Morgue is in the capable (?) hands of Maxime). Fiona thanks Steve for everything he has done for her and then invites him back to her flat - presumably so that she can show her appreciation in a more tangible way.

At another table, Kevin and Sally are still at each other's throats. Sally puts him in his place by accusing him of sulks and tantrums. Kevin looks chastened and unable to hit back. Indeed, given his pernicious affair with Vampira, there's nothing he can throw at Sally that won't be lobbed back instantly as an example of barefaced hypocrisy. He's in a no-win situation and all he can do is squirm. Good on yer Sally, it's about time. You've played the door-mat for far too long.

Back at the other table, Jim comes over to congratulate Steve and Fiona for getting back together, only to be told by Steve to "Bog off!"

Cut to a film of trees being chopped down. Yes, it is that eco-classic, "Deforestation", and Spider and Toyah are glued to it. Well actually, Spider is glued to it; Toyah's attention is directed wholly at Spider. He is oblivious to her, though why this should be is a mystery, because Toyah looks *hot*: skimpy top, short skirt, hair swept up, lippy and foundation in place: in short, it's Babesville, guys. (And now it's Mike Plowman's turn to run out of Kleenex...) Toyah manoeuvres her hand onto Spider's knee. "You've got a big hole!" she says - God, that phrase takes me back - as she slips her finger into the rip in his jeans. But Spider is having none of it, and gently moves her hand away.

While this was going on, there was a knock at the door. Just as Spider moves Toyah's hand away, the sitting room door opens and Emily ushers in their visitor. It is a female, also from the planet Vega, clad in eco-warrior chic and looking, as my mother would say, as though she's "been pulled through a hedge backwards." She greets Spider with a big warm "Hey!" and he responds in kind. Much to Toyah's horror, Spider goes over to the newcomer and, with another "Hey!", proceeds to deliver an impromptu mouth-to-mouth tonsillectomy. Aunty Em looks embarrassed; Toyah looks quietly devastated. "This is Log'," says Spider, introducing the newcomer to a bewildered Aunty Em and a slowly dying Toyah. The couple kiss again, whereupon Emily declares grumpily that she will make tea. Toyah wants only to know whether Spider will carry on watching the film with her. "Have you seen this film?" asks Toyah, ready to gloat if Log's answer is negative. "Seen it?" sneers Log, "we're *in* it!" As the kisses and cuddles continue, Toyah's heart sinks ever lower. Spider asks Log where she's been on her travels. Log comes out with a whole list of Spanish-sounding names: Santiago, San Antonio, Concepcion and so on. In an attempt at one-upmanship, Toyah says: "Ever been to Tossa?" "Where's that?" asks Log. "Tossa del Mar," says Toyah, "we have." Spider points out gently that Log has just returned from South America, not Spain. Log then presents Spider with some native South American instrument, while Spider reciprocates by suggesting they go upstairs so that Log can blow on his. He tells Toyah that he will see her around, and then he and Log depart. As they leave, Aunty Em appears with a tray of tea, but the whole thing is too much for the distraught Toyah, and she runs out of the house and into the darkened street.

Outside, Fiona and Steve are kissing under the lamplight; across the road, Jim McDonald lurks in the shadows, watching them. Toyah, meanwhile, looks up at Spider's window, only to see the silhouette of Log as the latter sways to some exotic rhythm (a Log-a-rhythm, perhaps?). Unable to stand it any longer, Toyah rushes across to a shrubbery on the other side of the road and proceeds to purge her anger by uprooting a large plant and stamping on it! Fiona, who has seen this, remonstrates with her, only to be told to "Bog off!" by Toyah.

The rest of the episode was pretty uneventful after this. Jim approaches Fiona and begs her not to go back with Steve, and Ken gets a visit from a young police officer who tells the Principled One that he is to appear as witness for the prosecution in the Drear's trial. But since I predicted this over a month ago, you don't need me to repeat it, do you?

AS I SEE IT

In my humble opinion, this was classic CS: laughter and tears in exactly the right proportions, and acting of the highest calibre from all concerned. In fact it was possibly the most fun I've had in ages without another man being in the room. Okay, so it wasn't uproarious high farce, and nor was it tragedy on the scale of Macbeth. But there was angst and there was humour, and the fact that these were subtly expressed and entirely situational was why they worked so well. The key, of course, lies in the acting, and in this episode the usual high standards were maintained. Bouquets, then, to the actors who play Deirdre, Sally, Roy ad Hayley - and a hundred red roses to the increasingly brilliant Georgia Taylor, who has made Toyah Battersby into one of the most endearing characters ever to tread those hallowd cobbles. Didn't your heart just break when she tried to get close to Spider, only to see her plans stymied by that awful Log woman? Toyah's behaviour brought it all back, because when you're a fifteen year-old heap of hormones and so besotted that it hurts, rejection simply tears your heart into scraps and throws it to the birds. And the actress put that over perfectly. She is a perfect amalgam of naivete and precociousness, and as such reminds me very much of myself. (Yes, believe it or not, I was once extremely innocent and naive - so much so, in fact, that for years and years I thought 'fellatio' was a minor character in The Merchant of Venice. That all changed, of course, as soon as I joined the Boy Scouts, but you get my point).

The things we do for love, as the wondrous DS Wyatt put it. Indeed. But sometimes it all goes pear-shaped, as the predicament of many a CS character amply demonstrates. This is not lost on my mother, who has recently taken to using CS as a kind of visual aid with which she attempts to educate me every now and then. After Wednesday's episode, she phones for her usual mid-week gabfest. "That Deirdre woman," she says, "is living proof that nothing good ever comes of picking up strange men in bars." I reassure her that next time I have a night out at "Heaven", I'll try to remember not to sign any mortgage agreements. "And by the way," she continues, "scientists have estimated that there are roughly one and half pounds of dust mites in the average pillow. Bear *that* in mind the next time you bite into one." Leaving me no time to answer, she moves on to Tony Blair. "You should take a leaf out of his book," she says. Now I know that she's not referring to anything political, because my mother is to politics what Stevie Wonder is to bird-watching. Indeed, such is her knowledge of global politics and international relations that she probably thinks the Khmer Rouge is something manufactured by Revlon. So it has to be the revelation that Tony Blair is allegedly thinking of becoming Catholic. I tell here that I already *am* a Catholic. "Yes," she says, "but you've lapsed badly. When was the last time you went to confession? And why are there no photographs of the Holy Father on your walls?" I tell her that confession is a non-starter: my accumulated iniquities form a list so long that they'd hardly fit on CD Rom, let alone be confessable in ten minutes. As for photos of the Pope, well the Holy Father would look a right eejit stuck up there in between the shirtless shots of Dean Cain and George Clooney. (Although I have to admit that I do have a sneaking admiration for the Pope. After all, he's the only person I know who can get away with wearing brown shoes under a white frock). But I say nothing; after all, the Pope is my mother's favourite person on the planet - just in front of Anthea Turner and Torvill & Dean. Given my mother's bizarre choice of cultural icons, is it any wonder that I have turned out like I have - i.e. exactly the kind of person my mother spent years warning me about?!

Anyway, that's all for now. But before I go, I'd like to extend commiserations to our good friend and fellow RATUCSer, Tracy Roketta, who injured her back last week when she fell off a motorbike mechanic. Get well soon, Tracy luv! Regards, CP

PS - Sorry the update was late. Touch of food poisoning. I think it was someone I ate...


Friday 13 March

It's breakfast at the Websters, and Sally and Kevin are arguing. He doesn't want to argue in front of the gurrrls, so Sally send them upstairs to get ready for school. Kevin thinks the gurrrls are sensing friction between their parents, which Sally ascribes solely to his jealousy.

Alma is trying to encourage Dreary to eat her breakfast, despite there being no carrot in it. Mike insists she needs to eat to keep her strength up. Dreary goes into the 'I'm going down' routine, but Alma and Mike try to convince her that no jury will be taken in by Lindsay's lies." He wouldn't con a jury, believe you me", says Mike airily. "I wouldn't be too sure" drones Dreary.

Janice and Toyah leave the house, Janice is trying to find out what's troubling Toyah. Thinking she's after an excuse to twag off School, Janice tells her straight that she's going to School, even if she's got bubonic plague. Toyah says that she is going to school, she'll be glad to get away from the Street. Janice begins to recognise these adolescent symptoms and teases her about being love-sick. The object of Toyah's hatred comes out of Emily's and snogs with Spider in the street. "Who's that?" asks Janice. "Wonder Woman" replies Toyah.

Sam is seeing Des off in the Street, saying "yes, I'll miss you" etc. No sooner has he gone that Chris comes over, asks how long he's away, so they make a date for lunchtime - his place.

Kevin has seen this intercourse, and accuses Chris of "Dangerous Liaisons, eh" - "Wouldn't know mate, you're the expert".

In the cafe Gail wants to know why Roy is in brighter spirits today. "Come on, spill the beans, it's Hayley isn't it? Are you back together?." Roy tells her that "we've reached an understanding." "Whatever you want to call it - you two were made for each other."

Emily comes in, so as to leave Spider and Log alone for a while. She tells Gail how Toyah has been put out by the appearance of Spider's girlfriend. Emily doesn't think Log will be around for long, as she's just come back from an expedition to Chile. Nineteen million viewers hope she's right.

Gail continues to tease Roy, suggesting there's something in the air, with "all these lovers getting back together again."

In Emily's parlour, Log is telling Spider that karma helped her track him down, "We're meant to be together". Just to clear the air, Spider confirms that Toyah is just a mate, but she was great on the Red Rec. Log is quite taken with the general feel of the street, with its cobbles - "It's like the back street time forgot......Yeah, it'll be great to stay for a while". "Triffic" replies Spider, with just enough insincerity to suggest we might be rid of her before long.

Emily comes home, calling out before entering the room, just in case of naughtiness. She is horrified by the jasmine incense burning - an aphrodisiac as Log explains. She tells Emily that Spider's asked her to stay for a while, which does not please Emily. Emily tries to put her foot down with a firm hand, stating that she only has two bedrooms. Spider says she'll sleep on the floor, Log says Emily won't know she's there.

Martin is drinking with Steve, and describing the joys of parenthood that Steve can now look forward to - nappies, and more nappies. Steve is more interested in several brothers and sisters for Morgan.

Vera is being tactless with Ken, telling him that "it's a terrible business with Dierdrie, but it's a good thing she's got good friends like you, to stick up for her i'n't it?"

Back to Steve and Martin, but it's of no consequence, seemingly about treating all offspring the same, even if they don't share both parents. Martin comments about Nicky being nothing but trouble for years.

Kevin comes in, orders a pint from Samantha. As she's chatting, Des arrives unexpectedly. He claims he couldn't keep away.

Ken sits down with Emily and Alma and tells them his news - he is to testify against Dreary. His lying for her when the non-pilot status was discovered has strengthened their case. "But how did the Police find that out" asks Alma, "I'm afraid I told them." He feels terrible about it, but insists he has no choice.

Des wants to know what Sam wants to do this afternoon. He says he's come home early to do paperwork. Sam needs to cover for her absence, so says she's going into town, shopping. Kevin is burning with tales to tell out of school, and leaves shortly after Des.

In the Kabin, Leanne is teasing Toyah in the style of an agony column. She goes too far, and Toyah is near tears. Rita plays the concerned matron bit, and Toyah admits that the problem is Log, the fact that Spider has a girlfriend. They joke about what sort of name is Log? Logs are for falling off or chopping up as firewood. Toyah brightens at this - "yeah, that's what I'll do. Chop 'er up into little bits".

Kevin calls round as Des's house to share his news that Sam is playing around with Chris.

END OF PART ONE

Des denies that anything can be happening between Sam and Chris. Things have never been better between them. He accuses Kevin of telling tales because he hasn't forgiven Chris and Sally.

Alma comes home to tell Mike about Ken being a prosecution witness. Just as Mike is saying "Not only has he handed the prosecution a loaded gun, he's volunteering to pull the trigger" when Dreary appears behind him, having been resting.

Spider and Log are drinking in the Rovers. Log thinks Aunty Em is really sweet, he tells her about her exploits on the Red Rec. Log announces that she's planning an expedition. Spider brightens at this until she says it's only into Weatherfield to explore more cobbled streets.

Des comes in looking for Samantha, but is surprised to find her gone.

"Ere" says Janice, "I'd like a word with you, Mister Save-The-Planet" She's angry that Spider has exploited Toyah's feelings, more concern for the environment than for people. Spider insists that he has never led Toyah on, Janice warns him that Toyah might be only 15, but she doesn't forgive that easy.

Gary joins Des at the bar, all cheerily. Des is thinking into his pint.

Alma is trying to soft talk Dreary. Dreary is convinced that Ken's involvement will definitely put her away. "They weren't just Jon's lies, they were mine 'n' all. That's just what the jury'll want to hear."

At a table in the cafe, Hayley is excitedly showing Roy some brochures she's picked up from the North West Tourist Board on things to do if it rains in Weatherfield. She wants to plan a day out together at the weekend. She is so pleased that they are going to stay friends, it's so important to her. To emphasise this importance she puts her hand on his, which he pointedly removes as soon as physical contact occurs. "What about an Art Gallery?"

Martin arrives to check on the progress of true love. Gail explains that Roy calls in 'an understanding'. "If that's not true love I'll run up and down Coronation Street wi' nowt on but a grid"

As Hayley gathers up her brochures to leave she gives the highlights of the weekend - "Botticelli and Bacon". Martin the Philistine agrees that Roy makes a lovely Botticelli and bacon sandwich, but Roy patiently explains that they are painters, they are going to the Art Gallery. Hayley leaves, and Martin makes some joke about "I didn't know they had a back row at the Art Gallery?" Roy puts him right - "Hayley and I are friends. That's all we'll ever be. And I'd prefer it if you'd keep your smutty insinuations to yourself. Thank you." Martin sniggers. He too has had a visit from the Personality Transplant Fairy. (And does he know any style of acting other than standing with his arms folded?)

Dreary has gone into full depression mode, staring at a closed Venetian blind. Mike pours her a drink, but she says "I don't need a Scotch, I need a miracle". Mike tells her everything will be all right - "there's a way, there's always a way", but he doesn't seem too convinced himself.

Toyah calls round for her video, Spider invites her in. She is quite scathing about Log's presence, likening the incense to a tart's knicker drawer. Spider leaves them "to communicate" while he goes upstairs". Log enjoys telling her how she's staying for a while, Toyah takes the video from Spider without a word and runs out.

Back at Montreal Court Mike presents Dreary with her miracle - he's spoken to his mate Marty Costello on the Costa del Sol, booked a plane tonight, and Marty will look after her when she gets there. Dreary points out that she has surrendered her passport, but that's the second part of Mike's miracle, he's offering her Alma's passport "because they never look at them". "Does Alma know about this?" "You leave Alma to me". Dreary can't see that this can work, she'd be fleeing the country like a criminal and never able to come back. Mike assures her that there are blokes with bigger crimes who have been forgotten by the system, and not being able to return to Weatherfield might not be hardship. He goes off to pick up Alma from Firman's, saying the plane leaves at ten and he'll understand if she's not there when he gets back.

In the Kabin, Toyah is moaning to Leanne about how Log has settled into Emily's. Leanne wonders how long Log is going to stick around - "Not long if I catch her down a dark alleyway. I'll show her what body piercing really is." As she leaves, Rita asks Leanne how determined Toyah will be, Leanne recalls the incident with a black eye when she found Darren McCarthy had been two timing her with Alison Beatty - "She doesn't waste them lessons at kick-boxing club, I can tell ya......You don't cross our Toyah - no way".

In the Rovers, Vera is pleased to see Steve and Fiona back together - "and you look after her ..this time". Jim and Gary have a new double act, the Rover's synchronised formation drinking team, though Jim is sinking them rather faster than Gary likes.

By this time Mike, playing for time, is in the Rovers with Alma, who is still worried about leaving Dreary alone. Alma wants to go back, but Mike insists she'll be all right, she needs a bit of space.

Sam comes back from the shops, Des wants a word, but Vera gets her straight to work. Des says it can wait.

Fiona comments to Steve that "your Dad's knocking 'em back a bit isn't he?" Steve, not surprised, explains that "the bottle is the only friend he never fell out with" They drink up and go.

Jim tries to buy two more drinks, but Gary tells him he's had enough. Vera sends him home, so he goes off to drink on his own.

As Jim goes out, Ken comes in. Mike rounds on him, suggesting that he was jealous, and gave the Police just what they need to send Dreary down. Ken retaliates by telling Mike that he is a little man with a big mouth. Mike reiterates the jealousy bit and then tells Ken that he is "the most treacherous, evil..." Ken grabs him and they struggle "If Dierdrie goes down.......it's because of you, Barlow" Alma drags Mike outside while Vera wails "What's got into everybody tonight?"

Back at Montreal Court, Dreary is fingering the passport, plane ticket and cash, and wonders........

Episode written by Phil Ford


Sunday 15 March

Sunday evening, and another week draws to a close. Spring has finally sprung, and in celebration the staff at Laird Towers break into the cleaning cupboard and liberate the feather dusters and maids uniforms. (Hang on, perhaps that wasn't the cleaning stuff...) Hours later, they collapse exhausted on the his'n'hers settees, having unearthed several half-eaten packets of crisps, 3 used hankies, 52p in loose change (that doubled my pocket money for the week), much of the past year's vitally important mail, and two unwashed examples of a long-lost pygmy tribe with no social graces whatsoever. On closer inspection, these turn out to be the kids. Reunited, the clan enjoy a rare family meal together, and the last plate goes into the dishwasher just as those familiar tones come over the TV speaker and the episode for Sunday March 15th begins:

Act 1
Mike and Alma are leaving the Rovers. He has just gone 3 rounds with Ken "Bonecrusher" Barlow. Alma is not best pleased and accuses them of acting like a pair of schoolboys. Feigning some excuse about collecting papers from his office, they head for the factory, where later it looks like what he was really after was a drink. Alma continues to quiz him about Deirdre, asking him just how far he would be prepared to go. Don't worry Alma, not that far.

Back in the Rovers, Ken is apologising to Vera. [Where's Jack at the moment anyway ?] It won't happen again, he says. Well, not until the next time the pair clash over a woman, methinks. Vera suggests that Ken feigns illness to avoid giving evidence for the prosecution, but we know him better, and so does he. "I hope you can live with yourself then", is V's parting shot. Ken has that anguished look once more. He can't.

Gail and Roy are heading for the pub and she suggests that he and Hayley should come round for their tea one night. [I must suggest this to the lady of the house, instead of suppers taking 41 man-hours of preparation we should be asking friends round for *tea*, 3 fish fingers and an all-in wrestle with a screaming banshee, punctuated by every member of the outlaws phoning up for their daily news update. But wait, an idea is forming, if I bought them all a PC and got them hooked up to the net, they could post their daily minutiae to alt.scouse.happenings and I'd still be quids in on the phone bills. One for the Things to Do list.]

Where were we ? Still outside the Rovers, Spider and Log [sheesh] bump into Curly. Some harmless insults are traded, watched unseen by Toyah, and they continue on their way, Curly nearly colliding with Ken who rushes out of the bar and jumps into his car. [A little more of this incident later, don't want to spoil probably the best scene of the episode just yet.] Toyah repairs inside, to write a letter to Curly, c/o Firmans Freezers. What devious plot is afoot ?

Inside the Rovers once more, Sam and Des are having a mutual sulk. She is getting a drink for him when Big Chris arrives and chips in with "I'll have one of those and all, when you're ready". Somehow, we know he's not really talking about a pint of beer. Later, Des tries to get Sam to come home early for a talk. She suggests he talks to Natalie. Good choice, not. Later still, we see Sam and Chris spraying pheromones left right and centre as she asks him if he has recovered his strength, and is ready for "some more". Oo-err. Chris thinks someone is going to get hurt soon, but Sam is unconcerned, she's having too much fun.

Ken arrives at Mike's flat just as Deirdre is getting into a cab, bound for the airport. The cabbie burns rubber as Ken rushes up to talk to her. Catching up with them at the swanky new Terminal 2 building, which is eerily deserted, he demands to know what she is doing. She tells him she can't see any other way out, especially with Ken giving evidence, and that Mike has arranged it all. The blue touch paper is thus lit... Altogether now. "BALDWIN !!"

Back at the pub, Gail is still trying to persuade Roy that tea chez Platt might overcome Hayley's shyness. Gail has some cracking throwaway lines tonight, and delivers the best at this point. [I'll leave it to the end.]

Curly is discussing the ins and outs of commercial sabotage with Gary. As you do. He also tells Emily that his job might be at risk if he can't get a result on the Great Prawn Disaster. [Curly is wandering aimlessly from plot to plot at the moment. He badly needs another of those high-risk affairs to perk him up a bit.]

Intermission
Usual dross, brightened up by the on-all-the-time rerun Peugeot 406 ad with the stonkingly sexy Kim Basinger. And a chuckle as the Mirror screws up and shows what must have been a rehearsal shot of Elizabeth Emmanuel offering to "tell all" about Di's wedding dress [come on, it was 17 years ago !] before she got to make-up and hairdressing. Oh, no apparently the just got up look is in at the moment. Hey, I'm in fashion !

Back on planet Earth, the kids have got Hammy out of her cage for part two. We'll bring you the hamster vote when we can.

Act 2
Alma and Mike return home, to find Deirdre missing, and a note thanking them for everything. Alma wants to call the police, as she believes Deirdre might have been suicidal. Mike persuades her it is unlikely, playing for time before he is rumbled. Be sure your sins will find you out, my Mum used to say. Many a mickle maks a muckle. You'll stick like that. [Stop me when I'm boring you.]

At the Websters, Sally and Kevin are still finding it hard to forget, let alone forgive. Rowsie and Surphie are conveniently upstairs. How much better it would be if one of them were to say something instead of being banished to bed or the bathroom all the time. [It pulls you right up when a child announces how they don't like to hear you arguing.]

In the airport, where unfortunately Jon doesn't appear to be working tonight, we see Ken and Deirdre trying to sink a couple of cups of brown muddy liquid. [Join the Campaign for Real Milk, details on request.] He is still reeling from the revelation that she was trying to skip the country, on Alma's passport. Mmm, Deirdre, Alma, Deirdre, Alma. Well, I suppose they'd look alike to a myopic Klingon. Ken plays the Tracy- luv card. What would she think, two fathers walked out on her, and now this ? Deirdre starts to crumble, what she really needs is for people to believe her. Ken decides that he likes the cut of his Sir Galahad suit, and announces that he does. He will do everything he can in court to help. Aaahhh.

At Emily's, Spider and [grimace] "Log" are wondering what it must have been like having Curly as a lodger. "I've had worse", says Em looking pointedly around her. They're the wrong side of 25 to notice subtleties like this, and head off upstairs to calm Log's alpha waves. [Now there's a euphemism not oft heard. Must make a note of that one.] Toyah arrives, and tells Emily that Log might soon be cut down to size. Groan.

Deirdre and Ken arrive at his house. She is supposed to be staying at Mike's flat as a condition of bail, but our hero is having none of it. Deirdre is tired and heads off to bed. Ken looks at the phone, and decides to call Alma to tell her that he brought Deirdre back from the airport where she was trying to skip bail on Alma's passport. Alma gives Mike heaps for this. He adopts his "only an ignorant Cockney sparrer, have to live on me wits" attitude. Alma is not fooled.

Roy and Gail are having a drink, and she is still offering an invite to tea. Roy is not sure how Hayley would feel. "Let's ask her", says Gail as the red anorak is spotted arriving. Hayley looks pleased to see Roy. [No, no, CP, not like that !] Gail has to prompt Roy, now of the Rovers, oops sorry, to get a drink. Hayley asks for a pineapple juice and gives Roy the full 500-watt beam. Roy being Roy, fails to spot this. Perhaps if he wasn't screwing his eyes shut most of the time, he might notice more. While he is at the bar, Gail engages Hayley in some amusing girly chat. "Men, huh". We all smile. She would love to come round for tea. [This should be fun, what with the little ones about. Every 5 year-old knows *exactly* where to stand when clambering over males.]

Des is still brooding over his pint and giving Samantha some suspicious looks. This doesn't go unobserved by Natalie, no doubt an expert in these matters. Sam continues to smoulder at Chris, and when he leaves, observes to herself that she wishes she was going home with him. Chris is obviously wearing his flame-proof undies as anyone else would be ablaze by now. Des continues to scowl away. It's obviously Steve's turn with their shared brain tonight.

Finally, there is a knock on Ken's door. It's MVB of course. Ken tells him to clear off, and when Mike insists on seeing Deirdre, he is dumped unceremoniously on the ground in front of his car. Knockout, round 2. Ken turns to see Deirdre standing on the stairs. It's time for his "shucks Maw" look. The credits roll.

Tonight's episode was written by Phil Ford.

Well, it was nice to start with such a good episode. I've often thought the Sunday slot was just used as a bit of a "fill-in", but tonight was fair bursting with activity and plot development. There was wit and drama. Deirdre had some *much* better lines, and the scene in the airport was her best for a while, with the anguish nicely played without recourse to the expected tendon-wobbling. Gail was on much improved form, and had a fair smattering of those throwaway remarks that mean so much more to those of us in the know. And best yet, not a Middleton or Macdonald to be seen, save for a 10-second scene with Steve early on [yes, yes, I'm getting there].

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****

Best line: Gail, telling Roy that it would be good for Hayley to come round - "A couple of hours with our lot, and she'll be a new person !"

Best scene: Ken crashes into Steve on his way out of the Rovers, tipping Steve's Chicken Tikka Massala all down his front. Two knockout blows in one night. Way to go, Ken. [Mike P, hope you got at least one of these !]

Going nowhere plot: Spider and Log. Zzzzz.

Hamster verdict: Good enough to leave the aerial lead unchewed.

Tubby bye-byes !

John Laird


Monday 16 March

Alan's Monday Corrie Update

Hi folks! Welcome to the first of my Corrie updates - it's a pleasure joining the team. I've been lurking here a while but only come out in the last few weeks - for those that don't know, I have a secret fetish which involves Joanna Lumley AND Tina Turner AND liberal helpings of cream (plain yoghurt is an acceptable alternative), however, my medication has stabilised the condition somewhat, so things are under better control these days.

Would that were the case for my wife ('er downstairs, as she's called this - you see, I work from home and spend a lot of time upstairs at the computers, while she's the Internet widow, so I'm "'im upstairs" and she's "'er downstairs"), who has a similar mirroring condition involving Les Ferdinand - she actually wanted to be a physiotherapist, but her mother reckoned teaching was a nice job for a girl, so she turned to that profession instead. Anyway, her repressed tendencies do cause some problems in the household and her probation officer has ticked her off about this - basically it's the old ""there, there" - "no, THERE, THERE" routine you will have read about in the select end of the Sunday Press. I'm sure Les wouldn't put up with her snoring but I'm a martyr to the cause.

The ski-slopes of Glossop are melting rapidly, now that the monsoon season has come to the neighbourhood (for our North American friends, who devise the spellcheckers, this is how the word should be spelt). This means that the natives get restless which accounts for the extra-marital activity for which we Northerners are so well known - I use the expression "we Northerners" rather loosely, as you might expect from someone whose only claim to Northerndom is the sheer accident of actually being born in this country in the first place and then perpetuating the accident by living 40-odd years in the region. I wonder what the old folks in Krakow, Gdansk and Torun would have said about the matter, but as I would never have passed a certain politician's "Cricketting Test of Nationality" what do I care?

This Monday's episode was preceded by a chocolate figure saying that she wouldn't allow him to get "his hands on mine" - as it's pre-watershed viewing, this was obviously a reference to a Cadbury's Wispa and not Mars Bars - in any case, Mars don't sponsor the show.

The episode commences with Mike and Lama (which is how my mistyped attempt at Alma came out) - Lama is saying that Mike's idea was "crazy" - you will recall that Mike had a sudden rush of blood to the head in the previous episode and lined Deirdre up with Lama's passport, an airflight and promise of safe harbour in places Espagnol and actually suggested that this was her only alternative to incarceration at HM Pleasure. "I didn't think it through" and "I admit it wasn't one of my better ideas" were some of the gems of admission springing from his lips - mind you, this is Emancipated Man we are talking about, whose enlightened attitude to women is along the lines of "keep 'em barefoot and pregnant"! Lama says "I could have told you that, if you'd asked me.... Why didn't you?" to which the unspoken answer is that we know how much he really values Lama's input. Anyway Lama is relieved that D is out of their marital home and "is better off with Ken" - Emancipated Man doesn't see it that way, but Lama clearly sees that there is a "limit to how much we can do for her" - this is her TELLING him how its gonna be! Ooh, I do like a strong woman, not that Tamara Press did much for me, but that's another story!

The scene cuts to T'Caff where we have Roy and Hayley whispering to each other. You will remember that Gail (the Mother-in-law from Hell to the Daughter-in-law from Hell) had a personality transplant and took on the persona of cupid to Roy and Hayley - this was NIMBYism at its worst as she was hardly cupid to her wonderful son, Nick and his beloved spouse, "'arrr Leeanne", but these expedient measures must not get in the way of a good storyline. Anyway, Gail had invited Roy and Hayley round for a meal and Roy (who is clearly worried about Hayley's secret coming out before the operation, but clearly unaware of the power of trusses) had turned her down. Hayley is saying she would have liked to have gone - at this stage Gail takes on the alter-persona of a United Nation Ambassador for Peace and beats a diplomatic retreat to change the bogrolls and leave our romantic couple to it. "You didn't want to go" says Hayley and Roy is forced to admit that this was the case but found it embarrassing to turn down the invite. H continues "but you usually say what you think - it's one of the things I thought we had in common, plain speaking, it's something I've always very much respected in you". Roy has used the excuse with Gail that Hayley is "shy" to which Hayley replies that she doesn't like deception - Roy's retort "That's a bit rich!" obviously stings her. She accuses him of not trusting her with other people in case she says something which causes him embarrassment. Roy denies this vehemently. Hayley continues "I'd thought I'd met someone who wasn't influenced by what other people thought - a man without prejudice, that's what I thought you were... I was wrong". Exit Hayley stage right to go back to work and enter stage left, right on cue The Peace Ambassador. "Hayley gone? Everything all right?" to which Roy replies firmly, but not convincingly "Fine!" - except the facial expression says anything but "Fine"!

Des and Sammy in their love nest at breakfast is the next scene - Des is doing his "I'm not going to make eye contact, 'cos I read the books on body language, so I'll bury my head in the paper" act. Pollyfilla Babe is taking the brazen line - she wanted some grouting doing on her face and Chris volunteered. He practiced his pogo-vaulting all over her and Des is beginning to wonder how far things have gone, anyway she's not going down without a fight (apparently she likes it that way). "Good is it?" she challenges Des, referring to the paper - Des mumbles some lame response about a news item in the paper, so Pollyfilla Babe decides attack is the best form of defence (note to US spellcheckers, this is the correct spulling of the wird). "You don't like me working in the Rovers, do you?... perhaps you don't like men looking at me?" she continues - Des says he's learned to live with it "that's human nature". "So why am I getting the cold shoulder?" she replies. But Des hasn't the bottle to take her on at her game and tells her to "drop it, eh?".

Curly is in the office just finishing a telephone conversation with Eric Firman, his boss. Hayley comes in with coffee and the morning post and starts asking about the freezer sabotage by the other PLO, the Prawn Liberation Organisation - Curly wants the matter laying to rest. "Customer confidence is most important", he tells her "if we want to keep our jobs - talk to Mr Firman who says, 'just forget it ever happened', all right?" Hayley hands him the post and on top is a letter addressed in crayon to "Curly Watts, Firman's Freezers" - you will recall that 'arr Toyota has only just learned joined up ryeting, but hasn't yet mastered the vagaries of holding a pen and it was her what ritt the letter. Curly opens up the letter and scans the contents in disbelief.

Deirdre opens the door to Emancipated Man - Baldwin has come to visit her at Ken's but, brave as ever, first of all he just wants to check that "Conscience man" is out. D tells him that despite his help, she couldn't go through with the flit to Espana. She fears everyone would jump to the conclusion that she is "as guilty as sin and I'm not. You do still believe that don't you?" Anyway everything is OK now that Ken is on her side, but Mike laughs - he's not impressed by her confidence in Ken. He tries to tell her that Ken's credibility will be undermined in a jury's eyes when they realise Ken and her are back living together. "We're not living together, we're just staying at the same address" is D's response - straight from the Bill Clinton School of "but I didn't inhale" Misguided Credibility and you begin to realise the size of the yawning gulf between the real world and the way it is viewed by Dreary. Is it really possible for anyone to be that gullible? But then desperation is a commodity plentiful in that individual. "All I want is for the two of you to stop fighting among yourselves, at least until the trial's over" she says, as the scene ends.

Jim "Street Fighting Man" Hamburger is at T'Caff - Gail comes to take his order. Jim says he could eat a horse - this might be one of the more imaginative choices on the menu at the Greasy Spoon, now that Roy is leading partner in the firm. Alas, no! It is a reference to the fact that Roy is busy daydreaming instead of preparing Jim's order - he is staring into thin air, obviously miles away, and we know what (or who) is on his mind. Gail launches into Peace Ambassador mode again "How's Steve?" to which Jim replies "Well Steve's the same as he always is", a few words that speak volumes. Not to be put off, Gail continues that he "seems a lot steadier than usual", putting this down to "Fiona's influence. Anyway, I hope that it works out for them"! You really wonder where the stupid woman has been these last few months and you also wonder whether there will be mass carnage as Jim decides to garrotte her. Roy come over with a bacon butty for Jim and apologises (NB to our North American friends, with an eSS and not a Zee) to Gail for turning down her kind invitation to nosh chez Platt. He's changed his mind, however, he'd feel happier doing the honours, so he invites Gail and Martin at 7.30 for 8 - and what is the location of this soiree? "Here!" To which Gail says "Here? As in here?" not quite believing that the Greasy Spoon could be where this cosy foursome get together. He really knows how to live this guy - mind you readers, we haven't seen anything of his flat these days - does he have a secret he wishes to hide? Are there bodies bricked up behind the fireplace? We won't know, because its T'Caff where he and Hayley will do the hosting. The scene ends with an uncomfortable sickly looking smile flickering onto Gail's face - 'er downstairs reckons it's down to the lemon Gail forgot to take out of her backside, but I'm sure Gail wouldn't use anything so common - kumquats maybe, lemons .... No I just don't see that.

Mike and Dreary are talking about D's legal representation in the forthcoming trial - D is telling Mike that beggars on legal aid only get to see their brief about half an hour before the court appearance. Mike is horrified and says that she needs someone to fight for her - he offers to get another barrister, paid for by him. "Why are you doing this?" asks D. "Because you're going to need all the help you can get. I know you're innocent and you're an old mate" is his response, but only on condition that no-one else, presumably Lama, knows about his offer.

Des walks into the garage to talk to Kevin - he refers to the conversation they had earlier regarding Samantha - "what exactly did you see?" he asks, but Kevin, ever the grease monkey, takes a leaf out of a relative's book - the wise monkey's adage of seeing nothing. He doesn't want to get involved.

Curly bursts into Emily's house all agitated - he's brandishing Toyota's anonymous letter and shows it to Emily, who starts reading it out aloud. "If you want to know who saboted..." but Curly quickly interjects "I think that means sabotaged....", Emily continues "... your freezer, she's stopping at Number 3 Coronation Street, I don't mean Mrs. Bishop and it wasn't Spider". (Poor Toyota, she's so thick she'd qualify to be a piece of 4 by 2 - as if Spider was a "she". .... unless, dear readers, we have the inkling of another TS storyline which will bode good tidings for Hayley - perhaps, Spider was previously a she and has crossed the divide and will form the perfect match for Hayley.) Curly points out that the letter was addressed to Curly Watts, not Mr. Watts and it had a local postmark - it must be someone who knows them. He asks for Emily's help, but Emily is not interested. Curly thinks that unless customer confidence is restored there could be redundancies, including his own. "You know very well who wrote that" he says, to which Emily says "Even if I do, I don't have any influence over her..." she suddenly realises her faux-pas and after a short delay adds " - or him". "Yes but you're related rather closely to someone who does" is Curly's reply. Emily promises to do her best, but Curly now has her on the ropes and he's going in for the big kill. "If this isn't solved and the police come round to interview this Log, it could be embarrassing for you - with Spider's Moroccan specials, I don't think they'll have to bring a sniffer dog with them, if you know what I mean". Emily is duly worried and goes into deep thought - I think we have a bull's eye there! Mind you, what goatskin leather has to do with the storyline beats me - it all sounds like a load of shit.

Roy sneaks up behind Hayley at Firman's - he recognises he made a mistake earlier regarding nosh chez Platt, but it's now Hayley's turn to take the huff "I really do not want to discuss this" is her retort. Roy explains that he's invited Gail and Martin over for nosh and wants her to lend a hand. "What, to do the washing up?" is her immediate reply. "No! No! Help me entertain them. You'd be better at that sort of thing than me. Please, Hayley, I really do want you to be there". The scene ends to the sound of a heavenly choir (well, it did in my head anyway) accompanying a big beam coming over Hayley's face. Hey lads, we're on again!

Cut to the Rovers. Steve "Plasticine Head" Hamburger is propping up the bar - Vampira (Nastily to you and me) asks "How's the baby?". "It's starting to smile" is PH's reply - Vampira who's been through these things before disabuses him "Take it from me - nine times out of ten, it's not a smile on it's little face, it's wind, otherwise it needs it's nappy changed...... er, new glass?" You forget for a moment that if you were a baboose, the sight of Vampira peering over you would be enough to make anyone fill their nappy, as you wonder what a new glass has to do with the price of nappies. Then you realise, she's asking whether he wants a new glass for a fresh pint. Des bursts into the pub, in a hurry. " Is Samantha about?" he asks. Vampira tells him that Sam has just popped out - that is an inadequate response for the Grand Inquisitor. "Where to?" he asks. "To the shops, I think!" says Nastily. Not mollified, he asks "oh... which shops?". Nastily snaps back "I honestly don't know, she's fetching some things for Alec. Why?" "Just wanted a word. What time did she go out?" Nastily is getting exasperated. "About 10 minutes ago. Look, if you want to hang about, she'll be back soon. OK?" Des gives up "Daresay, I'll find her - she can't have gone far." He leaves the pub, leaving Vampira looking on, realising that any minute now there could be a tremor registering something on the Richter scale - the fact that it could be to do with the earth moving for Samantha and with Chris being caught with his thongs around his ankles in flagrante delicto is merely one of life's amazing coincidences.

Cue adverts - end of round one

For advert anoraks, a few goodies here. An ad for Carex haircare - background tune has a few bars of Burt Bacharach's song from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" - "Raindrops keep fallin' on my head". The one where Paul Newman is riding on the bicycle with the gal on the crossbars - it was made famous in 1969/70 by B.J. Thomas - always wondered what BJ stood for. Nearly 30 years on, having trawled through the alt.binaries newsgroups, I now have a fair inkling. But I digress......

One from British Gas - extolling the virtues of buying your electricity AND your gas from them and how it'll be cheaper than other alternatives. To me, it's like the endless BT "Friends and family" versus Mercury versus Botswana Telecom. I know I did maths at a reasonable level, but I can't get my head around this one.. How can they ALL be the cheapest?

A KFC "Hot and Spicy" commercial - which kinda describes the chicks. Whey hey, if I were ten years younger... well, twenty... OK thirty. Mind you, they don't tell you how greasy the food is, even though the chicks are cute.

Then amongst the advertising dross, something to raise a smile on the face of a child of the sixties - the Tetley Tea commercial. With the Four Tops singing "Reach Out (I'll be there)" their big hit from 1966. Hey, now we're groovin'....

And all of a sudden, it's time for end adverts......

Des has turned up at the garage, apparently looking for Kevin. Chris is outside working on a car. Des makes out that he must have dropped his car keys earlier, but Chris denies seeing them. Des brushes past and goes into the garage for a quick scour around - Samantha is not there. Des tells Chris that he has had a look but can't see them , anyway "I'm they'll turn up". As he leaves the garage, he bumps into Samantha coming round the corner, carrying some shopping. Much relieved, he offers to carry her shopping. Chris looks on, to the highly symbolic strains of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" (hey, I might be an old fart, but I recognise a good tune when I hear one!), realising that he and Pollyfilla Babe have been rumbled by Des.

It's lunchtime at T'Caff. Toyota is helping out in her lunchbreak from school. Curly is having a drink. He tricks Toyota into helping him with the newspaper crossword, as he goes to the counter to place an order - it's all a ruse to get a sample of her handwriting. "Funny, your handwriting is very similar to a letter I've seen this morning, which, of course, you know nothing about!" She is left in no doubt that she has been rumbled (two rumbles in one day, wow!), but she denies all knowledge. He warns her to keep her thoughts to herself.

Pollyfilla Babe and Chris are in the Rovers - Chris tells her about Des' earlier visit to the garage and that he was looking for his car keys, "but if you ask me, it's not his car keys he was looking for". PFB now understands why Des was so relieved to see her coming around the corner. She recognises that Des has cottoned on to what's been going on, so she cancels her assignation with Chris for later that night, but promises to think of something else.

Liz "She is a Tart" Hamburger and Deirdre are in the Rovers. D tells her that she's stopping at Ken's for the time being. Liz expresses her apologies for taking over her flat and asks what accommodation plans D has and D recognising the prospect of time at HM Pleasure at the Big Highse, admits that she's "not sure, my living arrangements could be taken out of my hands".

Emily is at home, discussing Toyota's letter to Curly with Spider and asking him to use his influence and that Toyota "worships the ground he treads on", but as far as he's concerned, it's one way traffic. Emily points out that, in addition, Curly is trying to save the jobs of his staff, but that this is not the only reason. At this stage Log Thwaite appears from the kitchen carrying what are probably herbal teas (no doubt, to match the herbal cigarettes). She reckons that someone has a grudge against her. Emily points out that if the matter goes further, the Police could pay a visit, "so I'd be grateful if you'd hand over a certain something to me, just in case".

Spider - "Eh?" Emily - "You know what I mean!" S - "Do I?" E - "What you've been smoking!" S - "Well what do you want with that?" E (exasperated) - "Oh, come on Geoffrey, I wasn't born yesterday!" S - "What, do you mean you've known all along?" E - "Well of course, I have and I haven't been too happy about it. In fact, I think you've rather taken advantage of my good nature, don't you?"

E asks for the wacky backy, Spider picks up a china pot from the sideboard.

E - "Ernest gave me that pot!" S - "Sorry" - and tinged with much regret at being sussed "Now I'm giving you mine!" with a flicker of a wry smile around his chops.

E turns to Log to ask for her herbal backy, but Log denies having any, besides which she maintains that they cause no harm. E points out to her that whereas she is prepared to go to prison for her own beliefs, she is most certainly not prepared to do so for Log's. Log hands over the weed and Emily leaves the room for the toilet. Log is not very happy with Emily and suspects her of writing the letter to Curly - Spider denies that this is the case, but when Log asks him if he knows who wrote the letter, he tells her he doesn't know "it could have been anyone". Log threatens that if she finds out who wrote the letter, she will "fix them". The scene ends with the sound of the flushing toilet upstairs and a regretful looking Spider. A magic ending to a wonderful scene.

We are at the Greasy Spoon. Roy looking like the Maitre'D is suitably attired complete with white shirt and dickie bow tie. Gail and Martin are coming in to join the party - and Hayley makes four. The lights are low, the table is set, there's candles around - the visitors are impressed by the effort made by Roy. Martin places his order for "Shepherd's Pie, Beans, Two slices, Tea and a bun". The visitors compliment Roy, but he says it was nothing to do with him, it's all down to Hayley. Martin continues his ability at a never-ending run of faux-pas by observing that he thought he spotted the feminine touch. There is an embarrassed silence, then Martin continues "Me, I'm terrible at laying tables, don't know what goes where. Still, I'm a pleb." Roy offers drinks - a sherry - even though Martin rightly recognises that Roy is teetotal, that doesn't mean that his guests have to go without booze. He asks Hayley to choose the music and H moves over to the jukebox. Martin continues a winning run by offering her a 50p coin for the machine. Roy points out that this will not be needed as there is an override button - Martin and Gail cannot believe this guy and the lengths to which he will go to entertain his guests. The music comes on - Culture Club "Karma Chameleon" - by God, H knows how to pick 'em, although this subtlety is wasted on the guests. Martin expresses the opinion "Well, this is fun". Hayley beams. The nation roars in approval. What a magic scene - another one!

Deirdre is at Ken's. He is getting ready to go out. "It's work actually", he tells her. "An occasional job .... Very occasional." D - "Doing what?" K - pause - "You want to know? ..... I'm a male escort" D gulps, barely able to stop herself swallowing her own teeth, smiles "Oh?" K - "Yes, Alec Gilroy runs this escort agency .... It's all above board" D who knows that nothing run by Alec could in any way be described as "above board" replies "Oh aye? And it's run by Alec Gilroy?" - you recognise the irony here, from the woman who was gullible enough to swallow all of Captain Tie Rack's fantasies recognising that Porkers don't much less credible than this one. K continuing to protest "I know what you're thinking - it's not a dating agency" D "No!" (of course she doesn't think that, she's trying to visualise the picture of Ken as The Stud in the Knocking Shop! K - "It's purely escort work!" D straining credibility "Yes!" K - "You don't believe me, do you?" D - "No!" K - "Well, as a matter of fact it's hard work". Well it would be at his tender years! He goes on to explain the difficulty in keeping a conversation going all evening. By way of example, that night he is to witness "a performance of 'The Rite of Spring' by Igor Theodorovitch Stravinsky 1882-1971. D sarcastically "Oh well, you should really enjoy that! Erm, who's the lucky lady?" K tells her that it is a "Retired Peripatetic Music Teacher from Wythenshawe" D continuing sarcasm mode on and barely able to contain herself, "Well, sounds like you're at the classy end of the market!" K explains how much research and preparation he needs to put into the evening. D - "Well as long as it gets you out of the house!" Ken asks her whether she minds, but D breaks into laughter admitting that it was the best laugh she'd had since Christmas! How do they do it, I ask myself?

Spider has come round to Toyota's - she lets him in. Spider explains that someone has it in for Log and that a letter has been sent accusing her. He tells T "I know who wrote it! Gotcha!". Initially Toyota denies all knowledge of it, but when Spider explains that Log is on the warpath (How can peace-lovers be on the war path, for heaven's sake?) and that T will be in trouble if Log ever finds out who wrote the letter. T drops the pretence and begs Spider not to tell Log - Spider agrees. Toyota is puzzled. "Everything was OK before she turned up" she maintains, but Spider lays it on the line. Gently but firmly he tells her that he likes her, they are "comrades-in-arms, but that's all!" When pressed he admits their age difference is a factor, but that they will only ever be "just friends". Exit Spider. Collapse of stout party as a hormone attack overwhelms poor Toyota. We reach for the box of tissues.

We are Café Roy. He has done them proud. Martin exclaims "That was a smashing meal, you'd make someone a very good wife" (Poor guy, little does he know how little he knows.) Gail says how much she has enjoyed the evening and Hayley concurs.

G picking up the baton of Chief Embarrassor to the Court - "It's lovely to see you so happy together". R gets embarrassed and hot under the collar - he offers more "Coffee, cheese?" G says how delighted she has been to get a chance to know Hayley "We'll have to have a girl's night out!" H agrees! G says that next time "we'll invite Roy and Hayley round to us", turning to Martin. M "Yes, yes, I'll invite you round to my place!" R is starting to fidget - he is obviously getting uncomfortable with the way the cosy chat is going, but Martin continues, totally oblivious "They'll do you proud at the Hospital canteen". There is a pause, so Martin explains "Joke! Roy - joke!"

The dinner party concludes with the guests getting up and its kisses all round, well virtually all round. The only combination who don't kiss are Roy and Martin, where it's a good old handshake and, of course, Roy and Hayley! Sheer poetry, sheer poetry!

The final scene has Pollyfilla Babe returning home from work. Des' head is till buried in the paper. She expresses surprise that Des was not in the pub, in the evening. She had expected him to be checking up on her. He pretends not to understand what she's driving at, so she refers to his visit to the pub at lunchtime and that he was checking up on her. Des replies "I don't know what gives you that idea... unless you think there's something I should be checking up on." Sam tells him not to play games with her - he denies this "Me? I'm not playing games!" to which Sam says, in a determined manner "Neither am I". End scene, cue music, cue credits.

Episode written by Phil Woods

Well that was my first marathon session. A lot of quotes there, because there was some wonderful dialogue in this episode. The humour of the situations and the quality of the scripts make Corrie what it is - the best soap on UK TV. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! See you next week.

Regards, Alan


Wednesday 18 March

Dear Update Readers,

All in all it's been a momentous week at RATUCS, with the highly laudable debut contributions of two new updaters, John Laird and Alan Milewczyk, both men of expert vision, good taste and excellent humour. I'd like to welcome them aboard and wish them all the best. I don't know much about John's background, but Alan appears to be part-Polish. Which is nice, as they say, and always handy if you're lost for words at Scrabble. I actually envy Alan in a way, because I've often wished that I had a bit of Pole in me. I have to make do instead with being second-generation Irish, descended from a grandmother who 'entertained' more soldiers during the war than Bob Hope, and a grandfather who was discharged from the army because he was convinced he was Vera Lynn. (When the enemy is about to attack on all fronts, I guess it's bad for morale if some ponce in a pink off-the-shoulder number stands up in the middle of the fray and bursts into the chorus of "Moonlight Becomes You". But at least I know where I get it all from. Now, when people ask me why I grew up wanting to be Dusty Springfield, I blame it all on a very suspect gene pool.) Anyway, I'm sure that both John and Alan will enjoy their time as updaters. I know I have. And they are sure to be inundated with post from all over the world in response to their efforts. I've had emails from places so exotic that even Magnus Magnusson couldn't pronounce them. Granted, a good proportion of them would seem to be from the same bigoted old spinster halfway up some extinct volcano in New Zealand, but what the hell, it's the thought that counts. (I never bother trying to shout her down and tell her what a terminally sad individual she is because I reckon that living in New Zealand is affliction enough, without my adding to it.) Having said that, there are a lot of people out there who do appreciate the trouble that we updaters go to, and, on the strength of their first updates, I'm sure that both John and Alan will be showered with missives of appreciation.

Before I launch into the update, I'd like to welcome Ms Ruth Carey to the newsgroup. I'd also like to point out that she's not feeling too good at the moment. She's been having dental problems, apparently, and has been to the dentist six times in as many weeks. Now Ruth is no stranger to having men push things into her mouth, but being on the receiving end of the dentists' instruments week-in, week-out must be wearing. Let's hope it's all over for her soon.

And now, down to business!

UPDATE FOR WEDNESDAY MARCH 18TH

This week's update is thematic rather than strictly scene-by-scene.

The episode opens at Morals Mansion, with Ken and the Drear and their respective predicaments. Ken is droning on about his latest "Golden Years" assignment, and wondering what his next assignment - later that evening - with the wonderfully-named Babs Fanshawe will be like. The only thing Deirdre has to look forward to is an appointment with her new barrister. That and several years trying to avoid being force-fed anchovy souffle. She duly attends the appointment with her new barrister, who is clad in regulation 'Cadbury purple'. (Short of having all the cast perform with Crunchies in their hand, what more can the people at Cadbury's do to get their point across?) Anyway, the Drear's new barrister concludes that her best bet is to play stupid. Ah well, more of the same then.

Later, at the Rovers, Deirdre continues the new game plan by soliciting for character witnesses to attest to her moral rectitude in court. And whom does she choose? None other than Alec Gilroy and La Mouton! Alec Gilroy, who would steal the last breath from an asthmatic, and La Mouton, mutton dressed as scrag-end, the ex-gangster's moll. Which means that the Drear will probably be looking at ten years rather than five. Also in the Rovers, Mike Baldwin tells Frankie Stillman that he doesn't want Alma to find out that he will be footing the bill for Deirdre's trial, because Alma might get the wrong impression. I love the word 'might', as though there's just a chance that Alma would construe his actions as purely altruistic. How does Alma put up with this appalling man? (And don't tell me that he's not sinking the old beef torpedo into Frankie Stillman, because it won't wash.)

At Shagworld, Des breaks the news to Samantha that he is off to the Cheltenham races and will be gone all day. Samantha is so upset that she tells Des that she will have to lie down. What she doesn't tell him, of course, is that she will be lying down with Chris. Later we see her, clad head to toe in leather, asking Chris whether he is up for it. He shows reluctance at first, but it doesn't take much to wear down the resistance of a generous all-round dick merchant like Studley, and before you can say "KY", he's accepted her gracious offer. She promises to throw a meal in too, just for good measure. (And considering how lax she's been with her nether parts, she'd probably have room for a whole banquet). Anyway, with Des away at the races, Samantha and Chris have their meal and then rush upstairs to make ends meet. Meanwhile Des, who has been planning to catch Sam 'at it' for ages, has returned from "Cheltenham" and is sitting outside in the car, waiting for his moment. He is sure that inside Shagworld, Sam is entertaining a man, and when he sees the bedroom light go on, he jumps out of the car and rushes to his front door.

Up in the bedroom, meanwhile, Chris is on his back, shirt open to reveal a much nicer chest than Tilly could ever muster, with Samantha on top. But then coitus interruptus - in the form of Des walking through the front door - strikes, and a bedraggled Samantha rushes down to greet him, leaving a terrified Studley stranded in the bedroom.

Des puts two and two together, of course, and makes four, although Samantha convinces him that he has in fact made five. His suspicions are aroused by the dinner table, which sports two dirty plates and an empty wine bottle. "Who has been here?" he asks, his face dark with suspicion. Samantha lies through her teeth and tells him that she's had Nastily round for dinner, as Des himself suggested she should. He asks her whether Nastily would back her up were he to phone her, and the brazen hussy says that yes, of course she would. Samantha turns the whole thing back on Des and tries to make him feel guilty for being so suspicious of her, and in the end he relents, apologising for thinking the worst. And all the time, Studley is marooned in the bedroom, turning his Calvin Kleins a brighter shade of saffron. Thinking on her feet rather than on her back, Samantha tells Des to go and get his bag from the car while she puts a lasagna in the microwave for him. He duly complies, which is Samantha's cue to smuggle her stud-muffin downstairs and into the kitchen. Studley leaps down the stairs and makes for Sam's back entry. ("There's no time for that," she says, "you've got to go!"). And so, just as Des comes through the front door, Chris disappears through the back. The adrenalin coursing through her veins, Samantha falls into Des's arms and starts to slobber over him, at which point the needle on the "Slutometer" went off the scale.

Meanwhile, Ken "Mr Ethics 98" Barlow is ensconced in a plush - and I use that word guardedly - restaurant with an attractive middle-aged woman, Babs Fanshawe, who is, unfortunately, a bag of nerves. Not even Ken - who can put usually put a person into a trance within minutes - can calm her down. She's nervous because she's "never done this kind of thing before". (If I had a pound for every time a man has said that to me, I wouldn't be teaching in university, I can tell you). Ken tries to tell her that he's quite a novice at it too, but this seems to have no effect. She is trembling and sweating and complaining about the heat in the restaurant and the lack of oxgygen. She tells Ken that she always used to complain to her husband, Malcolm, about their central heating, and that what she really always needed was 'central cooling'. Ken looks on in that slightly bewildered (but not, allegedly, boring) way that only Ken can. Babs eventually fishes through her handbag and extricates a bottle of pills. These are to calm her nerves, although, as she admits, they usually put her to sleep in the process. (What a waste of good medication; if she'd perservered and listened to Barlow a bit more, she would have been out like a light in seconds.) Anyway, she then decides - as all women do at times of crisis - to visit the loo, leaving Ken alone to wonder what on earth he has let himself in for. The seconds tick into minutes, the minutes become a quarter of an hour, and Ken is still sitting there, sans Babs. In the end, consternation forces him to get up of his principled arse and find out what has happened to her. Gingerly, he knocks on the door of the ladies and calls out her name. No answer. So he throws caution to the winds and enters the ladies' loo. "Babs, are you alright?" he calls. There is no answer. And then he is stopped in his tracks, for protruding from one of the cubicles are a pair of legs, belonging, it soon becomes apparent, to the poor - and now late - Babs Fanshawe. For, as Ken finds out when he looks in the cubicle, Babs Fanshawe is no more. She has expired, given up the ghost, shuffled off her mortal coil. This is one very dead Babs and no mistake.

Eventually, the paramedics are called and the sad corpse of the late Babs Fanshawe, the woman who couldn't stand the heat, is carried out of the restaurant. Barlow, meanwhile, phones Alec Gilroy to tell him, but all Gilroy is concerned about is that the name of "Golden Years" should not be dragged into it. Ever the concerned fellow human, Alec asks Ken whether Babs actually paid for the date before dying. Barlow, his principles shining forth like a beacon, is outraged at Gilroy's gall, and, when Alec tells him to have look in Babs's purse to get the cheque, slams the phone down in disgust.

The episode ends with a worried Ken explaining to the manager of the restaurant that he and Babs were not partners but merely "dining companions". Yes, thinks the manager, and I'm Queen Marie of Rumania. And that's where it ends - until Friday for us, forever for Babs.

AS I SEE IT

Now most people who spend more than five minutes with Ken Barlow know what it's like to lose the will to live, but you'd have to agree that Babs Fanshawe took it to extremes: the poor woman was literally bored to death. Now I've been on dates that would have made the siege of Stalingrad look like an attractive option, and I've had people say "Go steady, you're killing me", but I've never had anyone actually die on me. But personally, I don't think that Babs died of a heart attack at all. You've no doubt heard of people dying from passive smoking. Well I believe that Babs died from passive charisma deficit; the heart attack came later. What is it with Ken Barlow? He makes even Nigel Mansell look like a laugh a minute.

I have to say that I am finding the Chris and Sam affair most tedious. If Orange Girl has to go, let her go with a scrap of dignity, for God's sake. Instead of allowing her to ride off into the sunset on her chopper, she is made to ride through each episode on Chris's. Obviously it will all end in tears: Sam will get caught out by Des and do a midnight flit while Chris will be told that he has beta-carotene poisoning and three weeks to live. Does anyone really care? I went off Chris ages ago anyway, about the time he started to don that awful Stan Laurel hairstyle, and not even Sunday night's glimpse of his naked torso redeemed him in my estimation. It's about time our priapic friend called it a day and headed back for Rwanda. I for one shan't be *that* sorry to see him go.

All in all, it was a pretty lacklustre episode, the only light relief being the Babs Fanshawe business. (It says something about the episode in question when the 'light relief' in the programme comes courtesy of a heart attack, but there you have it.) And absolutely no sign of Roy and Hayley. Watching an episode of CS that doesn't feature Roy and Hayley is like eating chips without salt 'n vinegar, or, as my mother used to say, like kissing a man without a moustache. She used to use this expression all the time in front of my father - who has never worn a moustache - just to show him what a woman of the world she is; this used to aggravate him intensely, and so she would use it even more. I felt so sorry for him that whenever she said, "Oh, such-and-such-a-thing is like kissing a man without a moustache", I'd say: "I agree, mother. I'd *never* kiss a man without a moustache." Which would aggravate *her* intensely. I once said this in front of her old friend, Ruby Cracknell, and my mother turned a hundred shades of red. When Ruby had left, my mother said: "Why do you talk about kissing men in front of Ruby Cracknell? She'll start thinking you're queer and then what will I do?" "I *am* queer", I replied. "Yes," said my mother, "but Ruby Cracknell doesn't have to think that." "Nor does she have to think you've kissed a man with a moustache," I retorted, "because we all know that you haven't." And so she never said it again, at least not in front of my father. My mother still regales us with talk of her misspent youth, but I assume most of it is fanciful elaboration. My mother never lies outright: she just treats the truth like so much plasticine, to be moulded into any shape that takes her fancy, painted as garishly as possible, and embellished with beads and feathers until it no longer resembles plasticine at all. For example, when I was much younger, my mother told me that my uncle Richard, who lived in Australia, had died in a "tragic air crash"; I only found out the truth a couple of years ago when I met Richard's son for the first time. It appears that Richard had been walking in the park one Sunday afternoon when he was suddenly hit on the head by a remote control model aeroplane that someone was trying to maneouvre back to earth nearby. Apparently it was the shock that killed him; his heart simply gave way. But "tragic air crash"? Well it was and it wasn't - and that's the same with all of my mother's 'truths'.

Talking of Hayley, I was surprised to receive an email from someone in the States who is studying "transgender issues", whatever that is. This person seemed to think that I was an expert on transsexualism and wanted to know all about the British public's reaction to Hayley and her predicament. Well I'm not an expert on the subject and thus have absolutely no idea, and I don't much care. I haven't the foggiest how many people sympathise, empathise or reach for the vomit bags; I just love her as a character. That doesn't mean that I don't sympathise with her problem, although empathy is a non-starter. After all, how many of us have been in her position? Unlike Hayley, I've never been trapped inside a man's body - inside, yes, but trapped, never - and thus cannot begin to imagine what it must be like. What I can empathise with - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - is the feeling of not being accepted, of being in a sense an 'outlaw'. Hayley's predicament is clearly different to any that I have experienced: different parameters, different dynamics, different closet. But I'm sure there have been times when all of us have felt that we don't somehow fit in, and that in order to express our own individuality we have all had to 'kick against the pricks', to use one of my father's favourite expressions. I was the archetypal adolescent rebel in most respects and my father would always say to me: "You're forever kicking against the pricks." (To which my mother once added, "Yes, but he always remembers to keep a few of them for himself" - a quip that was lost on my father, and which my mother was able to use only because Ruby Cracknell had explained to her the alternative meaning of the word 'prick').

And what a woman Ruby Cracknell was: a buxom, flame-haired harridan of a woman with big bosoms and huge teeth - like something painted by Rubens on acid, and not unlike CS's Renee Turnbull - who spoke nineteen to the dozen and always called a spade a spade, however many people she offended. She was married to a tiny, incredibly shy grocer called George (Ruby referred to him as 'the little man') who never said anything, but who had an amazing singing voice. He and Ruby would come to all our family parties and he would sit there in a corner, drinking Double Diamond and saying nothing, while Ruby splattered all and sundry with her non-stop verbal diarrhoea. You'd chat with him and if he answered at all it would be in words of one syllable. And more often than not, Ruby would answer for him. However, halfway through the party, Ruby would shout across the room, "Little man, it's that time again!", at which point George would put down his glass, stand to his full height - which wasn't much - and let rip with "The Green Green Grass of Home" or "You'll Never Walk Alone". He was always the star turn, and it was probably only when he sang that Ruby ever noticed him. Then, when the tumultous applause had died down, he would sit back in his corner and pick up his glass again, smiling and nodding silently while the party carried on around him.

Talking of parties, I shall have to try my luck with the video again for this Wednesday's update because I am going to what will probably be my friend Jason's final bash before he leaves for the States to begin his new life. The worst thing about Jason's parties - apart from trying to fish your clothes out of the big pile at the end of the evening - is that they've become so predictable. Same food, same music, same men. And same party game - 'Name the Celebrity' - every time. (You know the game: you have to act in the manner of a celebrity and the others have to guess who you are.) I don't know why he bothers because he's personally quite hopeless at impersonations: last time, for example, what we thought was his Valerie Singleton turned out to be Peter Wyngarde; and stuffing a couple of clementines down the front of your T-shirt and squealing "Where the f*** is Sandy?" hardly qualifies as the most realistic portrayal of Noelle Gordon. The game starts off dire and just goes downhill from there. And it always ends in a free-for-all, with everyone performing at the same time. Worse still is the fact that they all end up impersonating the same celebrity. And for some reason, it's always Gillian Taylforth. (Jason's Persian rugs are now ruined, of course, and the amount of money he's spent on Domestos and Shake 'n Vac is anyone's guess. I've told him not to bother, and suggested that he simply splash out on a new carpet - preferably off-white - instead).

But that's enough for this week.

Until next time, love and hugs,

from CP (who, as of 10.30 pm Sunday March 22, 1998, is single again...)


Friday 20 March

Well, the sun is shining, the birds outside are coughing, 'er downstairs is snoring and I have a stonking hangover following one too many grape juices from the night before. Yes, it's Sunday morning! But what have we here? 'Im upstairs tapping away at the keyboard? Well, it's because I asked to swap over from Mondays to do the Friday updates - I enjoyed doing my first update a few days ago, but feared that, because of the time involved it might be difficult to produce these things in a prompt manner.

You see, I am not privileged like CP, the Chief Superannuated Paperclip-twister of Academia. As those of you who visited my hastily erected web-site might know, I work for myself and time is money, as they say, which probably explains our poverty - and if any of you out there can understand that, please explain it to my psychiatrist. He is not over-impressed by my progress in trying to emulate Father Jack in Father Ted, if you get my drift. And to complete the explanations, 'Er downstairs is called that, because I spend so much time working at the computers that I have been dubbed 'Im upstairs - she is one of the truly sad cases in life, an Internet widow. She gets her own back by snoring with such ferocity that the local authority have given special soundproofing grants to houses in the locality only matched by those in the flightpath of Manchester Airport - come to think of it, she sounds like a plane about to take off.

So, here I am, it's just after 7.30 on a Sunday morning and I'm at the keyboard knocking up Friday's episode - before I start properly, I'd just like to take time out to publicly thank (oops a split infinitive!) readers for the e-mails I received following my debut a few days ago. It is very heart-warming that my efforts have been appreciated by so many of you who share our common interest, the Love of Corrie - I must admit I enjoyed doing the first update and I know that the updates fulfil a valuable role.

For example, our North American friends, who like to have a sneaky preview of what is about to hit them in coming weeks, have written in droves. While we're on the subject, every day we learn something new and my swipe at North American power domination regarding spull-chukkas made me appreciate that the Canooks among us share the spelling conventions of us on this side of the duck-pond, rather than those of their mainland dominant partners - I stand corrected and duly chastised. But then again, I am receiving treatment for this little problem.

Part 1
Friday's episode commences with a Cadbury's Mother's Day trailer and launches into the first scene at Ken's where he and Deirdre are discussing the events of the night before. You will recall that the Coronation Street Gigolo, who is being pimped by Alec Gilroy, was out studding it with Babs Fanshawe - she clearly suffered from terminal boredom from having to listen to Ken over the meal, so she scarpered to the bog, where she was found comatose by him - poor woman, how she must have suffered.

Deirdre just cannot believe it and her voice takes on an incredulous tone - Gigolo is staring into thin air, equally disbelieving - I mean, just how do you explain to your erstwhile partner your predilection for visiting women's toilets before you've had the surgery? And while your ex is still in her dressing gown!

D - "Died? In the toilet?" (Giggs nods) "That's awful!"
K - "Yes, it was - it was appalling. I mean, I'm still sitting here wondering whether I'm dreaming it all.!
D - "What did you do?" (continued disbelief)
K - "Well, nothing! Nothing I could do. I sat there watching while they tried to rescucitate her."
D - "In the women's toilet?"

Poor Ken! Everyone assumed that he was her boyfriend and they were so kind to him, he ended up going to hospital with her in the ambulance and Ken being Ken, he didn't have the bottle to tell them he didn't know her well. To cap it all, her brother had arrived at the hospital and continued with the false premise.

There' s a knock at the door - it's Alec Gilroy who has come to enquire further about the previous night's events - one of life's caring souls is our Alec, after all is not his heart wallet-shaped? D excuses herself to get dressed, while Ken explains to Alec that he had to make a statement to the Police, but, of course, Alec's sole concern is that the name of the "Golden Years" agency is not dragged into the proceedings - he feigns concern on a personal level, but our Ken is miffed about not receiving any help and support from Alec the night before. Ken feels humiliated by the events but Alec is more worried about the impact on trade should news leak out - reminds me of the words in a song "human kindness is overflowing and I think it's going to rain today"!

Outside in the real world, Des the Moaner (because his lady has been playing away) is off to work - he sees Kevin working on a car and goes over to him. Desdemona asks Kevin if he has any more information about Sam "putting it about ". Kevin's demeanour is reminiscent of the famous Monty Python Parrot sketch, you know the one, where John Cleese comes into the pet shop and says "I wish to register a complaint!" Anyway, Desdemona accuses Kevin of being a stirrer, although Kevin says that he merely told him what he saw. Des says that the whole episode has made him look like a jealous pillock and that Kevin's desire to help is motivated by Chris' relationship with Sally and not any relationship between Chris and Sam - Kevin denies this and Des moves back to his car, meeting Chris on the way. Chris senses something is wrong, but Des greets him warmly with a friendly tap on the shoulder. Unsurprisingly, Chris is puzzled - after all, you don't expect to be congratulated for tubbing a guy's gal!

Alec and Ken are continuing their little tete-a-tete - Alec tells Ken not to blame himself. There is a knock at the door and D, now dressed, goes to answer it. Alec, continuing, asks to be kept in the picture and offers to stand Ken a stiff drink in the Rovers and "by the way, did you manage to get ..... the cheque?" Well, we knew it wouldn't take long for Alec to raise the topic. Enter Babs' brother, Colin. Ken introduces him to Alec, who expresses his condolences in usual sycophantic way and then leaves. Colin is puzzled at Babs' demise - after all, she had never had a day off work in her life! This doesn't quite stack up for Ken, who remembers the do-it-yourself pharmacy set that Babs was carrying around in her handbag, the night before, but, no doubt, some things are better left unsaid. Colin asks D whether she ever met Babs but that never happened. Anyway, Colin is reassured that the neighbours are rallying round for Ken's sake, "it always seems to bring out the best in people, times like this." D makes her excuses to go to T'Caff, as they've run of milk. During the conversation, Ken's acting classes start paying off dividends as his face takes on an increasingly contorted expression - Colin is here to advise him on the funeral arrangements - Tuesday 10.30 at the Crem. He asks Ken how he's feeling and is clearly anxious to involve Ken in the grieving process, "sometimes the one that's most close can be excluded". The scene ends with Ken's face showing his total incredulity at the course of events - why is this happening to me, it seems to be saying!

Gail and Roy are in T'Caff. Gail has overdosed on saccharine.

G - "You know what's so sweet about you and Hayley?"
R - "Sweet?"
G - "The way you talked to each other, the other night. So shy and polite."
R - "Are we?"
G - She can't get enough of you, can she?"
R (with an embarrassed grimace) - "I don't know what you mean!
G - "Gazing up at you all the time, even Martin noticed"
R - "Well I didn't!"
G - "You're very unromantic, you, Roy"
R - "Well no. I'm not, actually"
G - "No?" R - Look Gail. I have experienced the pain and the pleasure of thinking of someone as a special person"
G - "Aah! .......Who?" (Smiles) "Hayley?"
R - "No, Gail" (enter Deirdre) "I keep telling you, I like Hayley very much, of course, but it is not like that."
G (to Deirdre) - "Don't know why he keeps fighting it! Trouble is, he's too rational, so when something like this happens it throws him completely."
D - "Something like what?"
G - "Love"
D (nods wisely as someone who has been there many many times) - "Don't talk to me about love"
R - "Hayley is a perfectly nice pleasant person, but you see..... sexual attraction, it's basically chemicals in the brain, basically"
G - "Is it 'eck!"
R (in information mode) - "It is a known fact"
D (back to planet earth) - "Can I have a bacon butty?"
G - "Certainly can"
R - "Look, a certain person's closeness can stimulate these chemicals in another person and that person will experience symptoms"
G (looking in disbelief) - "Makes it sound like a disease!"
D - "I think it probably is!"
R - "My point is that Hayley does not do that to me and that is a fact and I don't know why you insist on maintaining that she does" (pours a drink for a customer and moves away)
G (to D) "Well, now I've been told!"

The scene ends with an exchange of pleasantries between Gail and Deirdre of no real consequence. A bit along Spike Milligan's "what are we going to do now?" change-of-topic type of link.

Colin and Ken are still talking - Colin is telling him about Babs being a keen golfer, but it's all starting to get too much for Ken, who decides it's time to come clean. He tells him that, not only was it the first time they'd been out together, it was the first time they'd ever met and that he didn't know her. Colin is having problems getting his head around this one - after all, how can you be having dinner with someone you'd never met before? Ken starts to explain that he is Chief Stud for "Golden Years" and Colin starts to twig. "She has been paying you?" Ken responds that "actually, no, she hadn't! But I don't expect her to, obviously, given what has happened." Realisation is coming thick and fast for Colin, "You're a male escort!" Ken nods uncomfortably. "And what else was she paying you for?" Ken realises the implication and denies anything improper. Colin is now angry - he realises that Babs was lonely and vulnerable, "just the kind of person your sort prey on. You seemed so concerned. I suppose that's how you get away with it..... what a tawdry occupation! Can't you get a proper job?" to which Ken replies "No, actually, I can't!" Colin leaves in disgust.

End part 1 - adverts (nowt of any interest, a complete failure by the UK advertising industry, so onto....)

Part 2
Ken comes into the Rovers, spitting feathers. He declines Alec's offer of a free drink - he has come to tell him that he's not available for any more stud assignments and doesn't even want to be asked. Alec tells him not to make rash statements, "You'll be feeling yourself again tomorrow." That is probably what Giggs will be reduced to, now there will no longer be anyone to relieve the sexual tension. Alec advises that he mustn't let one experience cloud his view of the whole profession, to which K retorts that "it's not a profession, it's nasty little earner", which probably sums up quite accurately, the business ventures in which Alec has a part. However Alec maintains that "it's a legitimate part of the leisure industry" - this makes me realise that, given my son's obvious popularity with the local females, he'd probably do better financially pimping himself, rather than spending years in further education, after all, don't they say, you should enjoy your work! Anyway, I digress! Alec points out that Ken has done well financially out of it all, but Ken sees it as taking "advantage of sad little old ladies with more money than brains and personality". He leaves the pub, with Alec upset and ruminating, in the context of "sad, little old ladies", how he should have teamed him up with Renee Turnbull - alas, it looks as if we are going to be deprived of that pleasure.

Chris enters the pub and Samantha offers to serve him. They carry out a post-mortem on the previous night. Readers will recall that Sam's knickers were twanging loudly and Chris was moving towards the vinegar-strokes when Desdemona came home early unannounced. Chris asks whether Des suspected anything but Sam said that she told him she had been entertaining Natalie over a meal. (It rather puts me in mind of the Dubliners' hit of 1967 "Seven Drunken Nights" regarding the gullibility of some folk.) Natalie overhears them whispering and looks around. Anyway Sam thinks that Des believes her, but Chris feels it is odd that Des came back unannounced and unexpected, so he thinks Des must suspect something.

Liz Hamburger comes into the pub with Mike Baldwin. Liz is looking her usual demure self - one of the Witches of Eastwick, freshly charged up by the mains. Mike is incredulous that Liz has been chosen by Deirdre as a character witness and wonders why D chose her. "We're mates" is the reply. Mike is really convinced, not! After all, do me a favour, having Liz as a character witness is akin to having Herod as a child-minder. Liz wants time off work to see the D's solicitor, which Mike grants and while Liz pops to the loo, Mike rings up Frankie Stillman (beat still, gentle heart!!), no doubt to put the kaibosh on that plan. For once, the lad has sense.

It's back to T'Caff. Incidentally those viewers currently watching Classic Corrie on satellite will be interested to see the original owner of T'Caff (or Jim's Caff, as it was then known), Jim Sedgewick. Jim was Lama Baldwin's ex-husband and converted the shop from a nice Baker's and Confectioner's into a Greasy Spoon, got rid of Emily Bishop and promoted the young, newly married Gail Tyldesley into Chief Bacon Welder. But that was 1981 or thereabouts, in the days when I had a proper job. Now it's Roy as Chief Honcho, with Gail as Deputy Dawg.

The scene opens with Toyota cleaning the floor - nearby is Log. She's one who has hijacked Spider from 'arr Toyota - the one whose method of contraception is the Logarithm method and who needed her alpha waves calming by Spider the other day. She is the Yoko Ono of Coronation Street - one of the wicked witches and every appearance is greeted with boos from the audience. Log is concerned that Toyota will damage her coat, after all "it's very valuable, I picked it up when I was in Chile."

T (disinterested) - "Really! You can get them for ten quid a throw at Weatherfield Market!" (youuchh!)
Roy has overheard Chile being mentioned and goes into Encyclopaedia Britannica mode with four interesting facts about Chile, the piece-de-resistance being number four, the fact that they eat guinea pigs in Chile. No' a lo' of people know that, but Roy does.
T (horrified) - "No way!"
R - "This is true"
T - "They don't?" (in sheer disbelief)
L - "It is true, actually"
T - "Did you eat one?"
L - "Yes I did, I had to, in fact. Anyway, it was all part of the experience of being there"
T - "That's mingin'" (Now folks, Corrie writers deserve the "Street Cred of the Year Award" for the use of that lovely little word. For anyone with teenagers, they will recognise this word is in the teenage vernacular. There is no precise translation - synonyms such as "horrible, ugly, tasteless, grotesque" all fail to do justice - let's just say that when our son was describing one of the ugliest girls in the neighbourhood, that was the word that was used. No doubt, it hasn't made the OED yet, but Corrie are to be praised for having their finger on the pulse.)
R - "Anyone want this bacon butty?" (this guy's timing - what magic!) "No? I'll leave it there" (puts it on the counter).

Log is spied lovingly eyeing it up and we wonder whether she is not the principled person she likes to portray - for a small second, we can just glimpse her licking her lips.

Back at The Rovers, Nastily goes over to Sam - she saw Sam whispering to Chris earlier and wants to find out more. Sam refuses to be drawn. Nastily says things like "I think he likes you" and "just how it looked to me". Sammy maintains that hers is a harmless relationship with Chris and that she and Desdemona are OK.

Cut back to T'Caff and Toyota is ready to go back to school after her lunch break. Roy notices that the bacon butty has disappeared form the counter, but comments that he never saw the lad who ordered it actually come back. Log says that she did. Roy comments on the boy's check noting that the had not paid for the butty. Toyota says that she never heard anyone come back, but Log maintains that it was while Toyota was out of the room.

T - "How come you've got brown sauce on your chin?"
L (wiping it off) - "I haven't!"
T - "What did he look like?"
L - "Who?"
T - "The lad that came in"
L - "Dunno, didn't look at him"
T - "Did he have a Man. City shirt on and an earring?"
L - "He might have done!"
T (to Roy) - "Did the lad who ordered the butty have a Man. City shirt on and an earring?"
L - "Well he might not have done!"
R - "No!" T - "You ate it!"
L (indignant) - "No I did not!"
T - "Yeah, you did" (Enter Spider into T'Caff). "She ate a bacon butty!"
L - "I didn't!"
T - "She did. It was there" (pointing to the counter), "Look and now it's gone. She had brown sauce over her chin and she lied about the bloke coming in"
L - "This is ridiculous"
S - "Calm down, calm down"
T - "She's secret meat-eater and all the time spouting this vegan rubbish"
L - "You know, Spider, the sooner we leave this boring dump, the better. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. And I'm sick of her " (pointing to T).
T - "And has she told you about eating guinea pigs in Chile?"
L - "let's go, let's go. When I mean go, I meanm lets pack up and let's leave and I mean for good"

Toyota continues to protest about Log's deception but Spider ignores her accusing her of being a troublemaker. He says that Log wouldn't eat guinea pigs as she's been a vegan for five years. They leave the café with Toyota maintaining sadly "She did eat it, she must have done!"

Mike has button-holed Deirdre and spells out to her just how unsuitable a character witness Liz actually is, citing examples of friendship with gangsters, etc. and says that, in court, the prosecution are likely to discredit her, given a chance. Reluctantly, D agrees to tell her.

Sam appears, all dressed to kill, in her leathers, at the door of Chris' flat round the corner from Coronation Street. She has half an hour spare, so she clearly fancies a quickie. Chris explains he is busy doing his washing, so Sam offers to come back. As Sam is slow to pick up on the excuse, Chris starts to spell out for her the realities. He is unhappy about the way the relationship is going, he is concerned that Desdemona knows what's going on and fears getting caught. Sam calls him a "pig" and a "bastard" and Chris closes the door on her.

Ken opens the door to his house to find Malcolm Bradford, a local newspaper reporter - he is there to get more details about the previous night's events. He tries to ingratiate himself with Ken, by saying that he recognises him as a previous editor of the "Weatherfield Recorder", when he was younger. He clearly knows some details, such as the fact that Ken was a male escort and tries to obtain more information, but Ken refuses to talk further and closes the door on him.

Emily bumps into Toyota in the Street - T is very upset and tells her that "Log is a liar and a hypocrite, she eats meat, she had a bacon butty, she didn't just eat it - she stole it and she ate guinea pigs in Chile." Spider called her "a troublemaker and now he's leaving and it's all because of her, all because of her eating pig meat." Emily looks worried and slightly puzzled.

Back at Chris', Sam is still banging on his door. Chris tells her it is too dangerous to continue the relationship and slams the door on her. Humiliated and angry she turns and goes home, no doubt, accompanied by a cheer from the crowd with catcalls and jeers of "that'll teach you!"

Emily comes in to find Spider and Log looking at maps. She recounts her conversation with T and remarks that the moving is "all very sudden". Spider looks crestfallen, but Log states that their life involeves moving on. Spider is almost in tears when he says that he appreciates Emily's kindness, that this is the longest he's stayed anywhere for ages and that he'll miss her.

Ken is back in The Rovers updating Alec on his meeting with the reporter, who appeared to be very well informed. Alec seems more interested in preserving the anonymity of the "Golden Years" agency than anything else.

Liz and Dierdre are in the pub and D is telling her that following Liz's meeting with Frankie Stillman, her legal advice was that Liz came across as a powerful personality and the defence were worried that D might be thought of in the same light. "It is not the image to convey, apparently this is important", says D white-lying. She asks if Liz is offended - apparently not (which comes no surprise - after all, you can't look like that and have any pride, can you?). Liz is happy to do whatever is best and D is relieved. At that point, Mike comes back into the pub and is updated on these events - he seems equally relieved (after all, if he's paying for the barrister, he presumably wants a positive result).

Desdemona come home - Sam is at her place in the kitchen, preparing the dinner. Des tells her he has booked a surprise weekend in a luxury hotel for that weekend. Sam turns on his, feigning anger at not being consulted, in any case, she is working, so she cannot go. Des implores her to change her mind, as he has paid a deposit, but she launches into a savage verbal attack. She maintains that he is checking up on her and that he thinks she's "at it with someone, perhaps Curly, Martin, Kevin or Chris, or maybe little Ashley, maybe all of them, all together, all at once altogether. He tells her that he loves her, but she maintains that he doesn't trust her and tells him not to be so stupid or paranoid, otherwise the relationship is going nowhere fast. You can make your own bloody tea!" With that she barges past him and storms out, leaving Des looking upset and perplexed.

Roll credits.

Episode written by Sally Wainwright. Copyright of above scripts remains with ITV Television.

Well, folks, another great episode. For me, as ever some superb dialogue and brilliant situations and acting.

Particular favourites of the day include (not in any order):-

1. Ken's dialogues with Deirdre and with Alec, regarding the premature death of Babs Fanshawe, not forgetting some of the facial expressions in those scenes.

2. The Café dialogues involving firstly, Gail and Roy and secondly, Roy, Toyah and Log. Toyota has clearly exposed Log as a fraud and uses all her ingenuity in making that fact public - beware a woman in love! Great acting from Roy, Toyah and Spider, who are making their presence felt in Corrie in a very significant and powerful way.

Well, for me, Friday continued to form - a great night on the box, with another great episode of "The Bill" in its new Friday timeslot at 8:30, "Classic Corrie" at 9 and the incomparable "Father Ted" (surely one of the Classic Comedy Greats of all time) at 9.30. Followed by alcoholic oblivion.

Having had a few breaks for things like "Guinea Pig en Croute" (sorry, bacon butty), etc. it's now 12:30 and time to post this update.

See you next week.

Regards, Alan


Sunday 22 March

Many thanks to those who sent kind words of appreciation by e-mail or via ratucs, for my first ever update last week. As it is the morning after Oscar night, it seems fitting that I should thank Mom, Dad, my sis, everyone who knows me, my English teacher, Theakston's, B&Q, Channel 4, Aunt Sadie, my psychiatrist, BMW (just send the 528i round whenever you like, no need for a thank-you e-mail), Opal Fruits, Lynx body spray, that Tracy who *was* no better than she ought to have been, Delia Smith's Cooking for One, Cindy Crawford (wink), Angel Delight, shucks, I love you all ! Blub, blub, blub...

Moving on (or back) swiftly to Sunday night, which for me happened on Monday night, courtesy of the Highways Agency who have obviously decided that if one set of roadworks is actually required, then they may as well add 3 or 4 other sets in the same 100-mile stretch of motorway seeing as how we all clearly have nothing better to do of a Sunday evening. And has anyone ever actually seen any work going on ? Sigh. Downbeat end to an otherwise fine weekend in SW Scotland (that's the bit you all race past on your way further north, more fools you) at a party for my Grandpa's 90th. Happy Birthday, James. And happy Mothers Day, Mum. And all Mums everywhere. (So there's a little clue as to my background, CP, when I find out any more myself you'll be the first to know. Am I the only person who went through childhood thinking that any family with more members than you could count on the fingers of two hands was something extraordinary ? I think there must be some 40-year rule on the disclosure of information in my family...)

Tonight's episode was sponsored by some Cadbury's product or other. ITV jumped the gun and started broadcasting somewhat before 7.30, so if anything vital happened before Act 1, Scene 1 in my book, sorry !

Act 1
The curtain rises at Emily's. Spider has nipped out to get some soya milk. In Weatherfield ? That should take him most of the day to find, if not the week. [Today's handy hint: should you ever know anyone who is feeding their baby on soya milk, do not under *any* circumstances ever be present when the nappy comes off. Bleurgh.] Emily is looking rather furtive, but this is for our benefit and not for anti-Log. Claiming that her watch is telling the wrong time, she rushes off to the charity shop, asking Log to tidy up the breakfast things. The usual stuff, bacon, sausages, beans, eggs...

Ken is walking home, but there appears to be some shit on his shoe. He tries to remove it, but the poo won't leave him alone. Please, please, can we have some quote about the escort agency, says the journo, for tis he. No comment, says Ken. "Print what you like. You usually do."

Samantha and Des are still bickering. It's like they've gone straight to the 10-years married stage. Aah.

Spider returns, and bumps into r Toyer in the street. She wants to leave with him, but he tells her to stay, and promises to write. He gives her a big hug. Double aah. Entering Emily's house, his joie de vivre evaporates on seeing Log tucking into a full English. She tries to claim this is just an "odd lapse", but Spider's illusions are in pieces on the floor. He accuses her of being the bacon butty thief, and yes, it's true. She has also had a Scotch egg in a motorway services [oh dear, did no-one tell her these are really museums of social history through the Dark Ages, and you're not supposed to eat the exhibits ?] not forgetting a chipolata at Glastonbury. Not cool, man. Spider decides he's not leaving with Log, but is going to stay after all, and his soon-to-be-ex accuses him of having gone all cuddly, and having a fan club. Flouncing out, Log announces that she was unfaithful to him while she was out of the country. A Chile willy, in fact.

Over at the caff, Hayley pops in to see if Roy would like to go out that evening, and they agree to meet in the Rovers. Gail continues to rib Roy [ooh it's hard work this] about their relationship - she is convinced they are more than just friends.

Samantha is bending Chris' ear, and no more, on his doorstep. Clearly she was up most of the night in that womanly way, while Chris tactfully claims to have slept just fine. Alone. [Sam, you really don't understand men much, do you. Men have the emotional centres of their brains carefully hidden away in a locked cell, behind an armour-plated door, only opened on special occasions like Cup Finals. No way is it allowed to interfere with vital stuff like eating, drinking, farting, sleeping, sleeping around.] Sally appears during this confrontation, looking for Kevin. She leaves a message with Chris, who later tells the walking Tango ad to go. Shortly after, we see Chris round at the Webster household. He tells Sally he has finished with Sam, and wants to be with Sally instead. She brushes off his attempted kiss, telling him her marriage means too much to her. As he leaves the house, oh look it's Kevin arriving in a new van. Sally engages overdrive and rushes over to apologise for dragging Chris away from the garage and leaving it unattended, but the washing machine was leaking. Chris goes off to lunch. Kevin looks doubtful about the whole thing.

In our first visit to the Rovers, we find Ken at the bar, where Alec is still trying to persuade him to take another lady out. "She's a keep-fit fanatic, so fingers crossed, she should make it through the night", sez Sandy. This doesn't go down well with Ken, who mentions that he has the Gazette after him for a story. Alec is worried that this might put Golden Years out of business. "So, not all bad then", adds Ken. Alec wonders if he can turn the newspaper story to his advantage.

Deirdre arrives, with Mike and Alma, and joins Ken and Liz at the bar. [I hope no-one of a nervous disposition was watching at this point, as La Mouton's hair was looking worse than *ever*.] She has some bad news, Deirdre that is, the case has been brought forward and starts on Monday.

Intermission

One of the bonuses of watching taped programmes is, of course, not having to sit through the adverts. Sorry, I meant the ADVERTS. "THEY'RE NOT REALLY ANY LOUDER THAN THE PROGRAMMES, IT'S JUST AN ILLUSION CAUSED BY US TURNING THE VOLUME UP TO 11." Father Jack ? "ARSE !!"

Anyway, we do have another in the series of BT's "It's good to talk, and at the same time swell our coffers" ads. This one is crap too, but saved by having the very wonderful "Good Vibrations" on the soundtrack. I croon along, and upstairs I can hear the fair Lady L opening windows looking for the neighbourhood tomcat to throw a brick at. Oh yes, and another voice- over by smooth-talking John Sachs (son of Fawlty Tower's Manuel), who could probably revive Ronco for the next millenium, he sounds *so* insincere.

And at 7x real speed, we zip forward to:

Act 2
Staying at the bar scene which ended Act 1, Ken suggests it is probably best for the trial to be over as soon as possible. As Deirdre leaves, Alma quizzes Mike on his "moral support", which is now extending to visiting the court apparently. It is later agreed that everyone should show support for Deirdre by giving her a Good Luck card.

Sam is still needling Chris. She suggests an afternoon's rumpy-pumpy to patch things up [I paraphrase]. Chris' brain ponders for a nanosecond, and agrees. [You can see the post mortem on this relationship already, Sam: "He was only after sex", AN Other: "It was all you offered him", Sam: "No, pshaw, bluster, mumble, harumph, I thought he loved me". All: "Bwahahahahahah".]

Emily returns home to find Spider alone. As he explains why Log has left, her face runs through a gamut of oo-er expressions while she feigns ignorance and even tries to take some of the blame for leaving temptation in Log's path. [Sorry, it's not that this was poorly acted, just that it could have been done with much more subtlety by having Emily looking genuinely perplexed, and finishing off with a Gromit-style eyebrow raise at the end, for us.] Toyah arrives soon after, with a going-away present for the man of her dreams. When he tells her he is staying after all, she suggests it can be a stopping-here present instead. It is a new torch, for his nightly vigils. [Into my bedroom, she hopes, as she discovers Log has gone. We await developments with interest.] Emily confides her part in Log's downfall.

Alec is entertaining Mr Slimey in the parlour [obligatory innuendo there], and fetches a drink from the bar while the reporter confides to his Dictaphone that he is sitting in a "seedy pub with Mr Gilroy, a stout, balding, grubby little man." Alec returns, and attempts to paint a rosy picture of his "social service" business. He brags about Ken's impeccable background, as an ex-schoolteacher. Ken observes the journalist leaving later, and wonders what Alec has been saying. The grubby little man thinks he might have got some useful free publicity.

Kevin has not found owt wrong with the washing-machine. Sally blusters, but he is not convinced. Why did they both look so guilty leaving the owse ? "Oh yeah, we're having an affair", retorts Sally. "Me and Sam, we take turns each". Instead of wondering if this might be, you know, rather fun, Kevin strops off.

Sam returns home. She might be looking flushed, but under that makeup, who can tell ? She finds Des' doppelganger. The man with no brain. He is abjectly apologetic, telling her is jealous and paranoid. He even came back early from his trip away on purpose, to catch her out with Chris. She laughs this off. "We're fine." [Round our way, "fine" is totally devoid of any meaning at all. It covers everything from ecstatic to terminal.] Still, at least we know it's not the real Des that's getting hurt. But it would be nice if he came back soon.

Roy is at the bar, regaling Deirdre's accomplices with a tale of a very similar case in 1963. A pension book forgery scandal, no less. "What happened", asks Ken. "She got 5 years... no, was it 10 ?" muses Roy. [Lovely.] He joins Hayley, and tells her how he has been out more since they met than in his entire life. She tells him she has had a letter from the hospital. Roy's orange juice sours on the spot. Hayley explains how she feels she will be starting her life all over again, if she goes ahead. She will be leaving her old friends behind, "those that know the old me". "Does that include me ?", asks our hero. No. Quite the opposite in fact. Hayley hopes it will bring them closer, "to each other, like". A short pause, while Roy's self-composure leaves for deep space. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it", adds Hayley. Roy's lips are quivering. His eyes are staring straight ahead, but we sense that inside, his eyeballs are spinning in their sockets, he is desperately trying to think of something to say, anything at all. We wait, he struggles, we wait a little more, he's nearly there. What will it be ? He'll always be there for her, perhaps. No, it's, it's: "Shall I get us a bag of crisps ?" [I hope you weren't all like me at this point, I laughed so much I completely missed the next bit and thought Hayley had left. But no, the rewind button revealed that she said: "No, it's my turn, I'll get them". Poetry !!]

Deirdre has meanwhile been presented with her card. She is a little choked by everyone's thoughts. Mike offers her a drink, but she decides she needs to go home and be on her own. Ken follows. He consoles her, and places his hand on hers. She asks him to go back to the Rovers, and reassure everyone she is fine. He doesn't want to leave her alone, but she insists. He leaves, and the curtain falls.

This episode was written by Mark Wadlow.

Another above-par episode. It's interesting to see how the media is generally praising CS at the moment for having rediscovered those elements that make it so enjoyable, good writing, characters, comedy and drama, as I'm currently reading Bill Podmore's account of his time as producer, and the situation then (in the mid 70s) was almost exactly the same as, say, last year. Now then, Mr Park, just get shut of Steve and Fiona, and the good ship will be under full sail again.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

Best line: Close call. Perhaps a joint award this week to Roy "bag of crisps" Cropper, and Alec "keep-fit fanatic" Gilroy.

Best scene: Roy and Hayley in the bar. These two are so good. Again, I'm really glad I rewatched this scene, because I thought Hayley had gone.

Once again, Virgin apologise for the late arrival of this West Coast Main Line service.

TTFN.

John Laird


Monday 23 March

DATE DIES IN LADIES - ESCORT'S AGONY
Ex-Weatherfield teacher embarrassed

screams the headline on the laser printed Weatherfield Gazette, which Leanne is reading in the Kabin. Rita tells her that it's no laughing matter, but Leanne is going for the full schadenfreude bit [1] - 'he were right boring as a teacher, but none of us ever died from it!'

A sudden flurry of activity brings Roy, Sam and Des into the Kabin. 'Ey', says Leanne to Roy, 'Do you take funny women out in your spare time? If he can be one, so can you'. She shows them the article, but Rita insists it must be a mistake. 'It's on t'front page!' says Leanne. 'So was 'Aliens turned my son into a fish finger' It doesn't mean it's happened' Meanwhile Des and Sam are reading about Alec and Golden Years, and how a night out with not-boring-allegedly Ken costs £75.

The object of their derision is trying to calm Dreary. Neither has been able to sleep. Dreary doesn't know what to wear, what to say. 'Answer what you're asked, say as little as possible and don't argue.' He tells her that Jon belongs in the dock, not her, and he can't wait to see him taken down. Dreary is glad that the waiting is over, but can't believe Ken when he says that 'in a couple of days you'll be able to put it all behind you.'

And it's breakfast time chez Webster, and only a millifortnight into the scene Rursie and Surphie are sent upstairs to get ready for school. Kevin accuses Sally of taking their problems out on the gurrrls. In full sulk mode he criticises her for 'you talk to him every time my back's turned'. Sally tells him that she's going to talk to who she likes, and will not be ignoring Chris just to suit Kevin. Kevin still thinks she's got a guilty conscience.

Back in the Kabin, Audreh has called in on her way to the public gallery at the Court. Rita points out that she'll be well early, but as Audreh says, she wants a good seat. 'It's not like goin' t'pictures' says Rita. Audreh is keen to encourage both Rita and Gail to shut up shop and join her in court, supporting their friend. Rita says she has a living to earn, Gail too, but Audreh has taken a day's holiday - 'money isn't everything'. 'Not if you have a rich husband' chips in Gail. 'Alfeh, rich? I wish' replies Audreh, airily. She soon starts on the Ken story, unable to believe he's a gigolo. Gail can't imagine this, they think Alec must have given him an instruction manual.

Les Battersby comes in for some fags. Leanne appraises him of the Ken story, but they've sold out of papers. Les will get one in town, on his way to the Court - an entertainment he wouldn't miss. Somehow he manages to wangle a lift there with Audreh. 'There you are Mum, your very own Escort' teases Gail.

Jack, Vera (in very fetching headscarf) and Sam are in the back parlour drinking tea, you know, like they do. Jack's reading the Recorder - ''ere, what does sa-lay-shus mean?' 'I don't know, but it don't sound very nice'. Jack reads aloud about Golden Years - 'The whole enterprise was centred on a grubby backstreet pub, The Rover's Return in Weatherfield's Coronation Street'. Vera continues, she seems to have her own copy of the Gazette (such extravagance!) 'From this run-down tavern, Mr Gilroy controlled his sleazy organisation. Nevertheless he considered The Rover's to be the unacceptable face of Golden Years and took care to keep his clients at a safe distance.' Sam tries to dismiss this as just the sort of things reporters say, it's not the truth. Vera threatens to kill Alec if he really did describe the pub like that - 'I mean, this pub's a palace!'

Audreh and Les arrive at Court, give a thumbs up to Dreary and Les immediately starts teasing Ken, who's there with La Mouton. Audreh, who wants to read more into the story, asks 'Did she die in your arms, Ken?' Ken dismisses it as rubbish, just the sort of thing the Gazette would print. 'Ooooh - so you're not a gigolo then?' Baldwin chips in with a crack about Barlow taking money off women - you can always rely on Barlow to make a fool of himself. Dreary, who's party it is after all, realises how terrible this is for her case, but Mike disagrees, because it puts a prosecution witness, Ken, in a bad light.

As they're all milling around outside the courtroom, Jon and Linda arrive, just in the nick of time, and push past them. 'Who'd'a thought he were a pilot?' asks Audreh. The court usher announces 'Regina v Jonathan Lindsay and Dreary Anne Rachid'. 'Chin up' says Mike 'we'll soon wipe that smirk off his face', and he and Frankie Stillman follow her in to Court.

In the Rover's, Des is teasing Vera, asking if there are any other Personal Services on offer today, a bit of massage perhaps? Des assures her that if you read between the lines of the Gazette, he's quite right to call her 'Madam'. Vera protests, and tells him nothing goes on there. 'no, it all happens off the premises'. 'Now don't you go spreading rumours, Des Barnes.' 'Me? Can't stand rumours, never listen to 'em. Buy you a drink, Kev?' Which is a reference to Kevin's rumour about Sam and Chris which Des doesn't believe.

Alec comes in from the back room. Vera is not happy that Alec has turned The Rover's into some sort of smutty joke. 'Well at least it's on the map' says Alec. 'And so is Soho!!!' retorts Vera. 'And so is Amsterdam's red light district!' 'Well you'd know all about that wouldn't you, Des Barnes?' Sam, in a brief shot laughs along with this, and Kevin hurries out. Vera wants Alec to get the Gazette to print a retraction, but he thinks it's better to let it die down instead.

In the Court, the charges are being read out. Jon and Dreary are jointly charged with eleven counts. Count one charges Jon Lindsay with conspiracy to achieve a money transfer by deception, that he did conspire with Dreary Anne Rachid, to obtain a mortgage advance from the North West Building Society. 'Are you Guilty, or Not Guilty?' A gasp goes around the court as Jon replies 'Guilty'.

Count 2 charges Dreary Anne Rachid of obtaining property by deception, that she dishonestly obtained from the East Lancastrian Bank, a Gold Card, with the intention of permanently depriving the East Lancastrian Bank thereof, by deception, falsely representing that she had the permission of Captain Ian Jenkins to obtain such a credit card. Are you Guilty or Not Guilty?

'Not Guilty'

END OF PART ONE

In the Prosecuting Counsel's opening comments he suggests that Dreary entrapped Jon in her fantasy, and that he used his position of trust as house-sitter to help her realise that fantasy. He tells the Court how they will hear about the lies that Jon was an airline pilot, but that was insignificant compared to Dreary's frauds - She spent thousands of pound of money that didn't belong to her, she obtained a mortgage, furnished extravagantly an already luxurious home, she filled the house with top quality items - she paid for nothing. She withdrew £500 a day for 8 days. He accuses her of masterminding this gross, calculated dishonestly.

Mr Hamilton, Dreary's Defence, rises, and describes to the court how they have just heard two versions of Dreary. The first, in which she had never owned her own home, never had her own credit card, was never accused of any sort of dishonesty, and the second, when she met Jon Lindsay. He describes how she thought he was an airline pilot, and fell in love with him. She moved into the house he bought for her. She accepted the credit card he gave her. A handsome man had told her he loved her, and had given her a pot of gold. She was swept along, she didn't stop to think - her gullibility carried all before her. By the time she discovered he wasn't a pilot she was infatuated with him. Her head had been turned, and she didn't think that if he'd lied about one thing he'd lie about others. She was the victim of Jon Lindsay's lies. He tells the Court that yes, she did accept the fraudulently obtained credit card, yes, she did consent to the mortgage transfer to her name, yes, she did furnish extravagantly, and yes, she did withdraw the money - but she did these innocently. Lindsay committed the mortgage fraud - he's already pleaded guilty to it. What the Jury must decide is whether she was Lindsay's accomplice. 'I put it to you that she wasn't' 'I put it to you that Lindsay obtained the credit card as well as the mortgage.' 'She's not guilty of the charges levelled against her. She's pleasant, passive, harmless.

Whew, that was hard work. Back to the Garage.

Mr Sulky-Grumpy argues with Studley over his timekeeping. He says Chris takes far more time for lunch than he's entitled to. Chris tells him to 'Shut it' but Kevin pulls rank with his 'I might only be a short ignorant bastard but I'm the boss' routine. Only I elaborated a bit. Chris rounds on him - 'if you've got something to say, let's have it out' Kevin says nothing's bothering him, except working with Chris. 'Well sack me then'. Kev says he can't. if he wants to keep his wife. Chris wants to know what Sally's got to do with it, she doesn't have anything to do with the business. 'She does when you're sniffing round her all the time. - I know what I've seen' Chris, like Sally, tells Kevin that 'the people I talk to are my business'

Back in Court, Ian Jenkins is in the witness box. Dreary's defence carefully gets him to admit that Jon had full access to everywhere in his home and its contents. Jenkins agrees with Defence's suggestion that he is an intelligent man, and he goes on to describe his CV - good degree, trained as a pilot, professional qualifications etc. In fact the very opposite of Mrs Rachid who has only, ah, a Certificate in Word Processing. 'Yet you handed over your house and possessions to a tie salesman who walked around in a Pilot's uniform and who forged your signature to obtain money by deception?' 'Yes I did', and goes on to admit that he previously trusted Jon Lindsay, but he had betrayed that trust.

Sally is rooting in a cupboard for an aspirin when Kevin comes home unexpectedly. He is surprised to see her there, but would surely have seen her travel the twenty yards from Underworld, past the garage, across the road, to home. He wants to talk, because things aren't right. 'Whose fault is that then?' she asks. They agree to go for a drink later to talk it through.

Linda Lindsay is in the witness box now, though why she's supporting Jon when she knows he was playing away with Dreary is not explained. She describes how on New Year's Eve this mad woman came to the house, and shouted things that made no sense. Under gentle questioning from Prosecutor she explains how Dreary came back a few days later, and was far worse. She made wild accusations about Jon, and she, Linda was scared of this woman who might lose control. She was afraid she might attack her and harm her children.

Now it's Defence's turn to cross examine. Linda admits that on New Year's Eve, the children were in bed, and on Dreary's second visit they were with friends. She thought that Dreary might harm them because Jon said she had threatened to, but not in Linda's hearing. Further questioning reveals that Dreary hadn't raised her arm, or brandished a weapon, and Linda really was frightened of her because 'she wouldn't leave'. Then Defence wears her down on this one - how long was she there - 30 minutes? ten, five? Yes about five minutes. So he sums up. 'Mrs Rachid was there for five minutes. Your children were not present. She did not attack you, she did not threaten you, she did not threaten your children. Is that correct?' 'Jon said she was capable of anything'. 'And do you believe everything your husband tells you? 'Yes' 'Did you believe him when he told you about going away on business over a period of months?' 'Yes' 'Was he telling the truth?' 'No' 'He was seeing Mrs Rachid?' 'Yes' .

'I put it to you Mrs Lindsay that you believe what you want to believe about your husband. More precisely perhaps, you believe what he wants you to believe?' One discredited witness.

In the Public Gallery Les opines 'Well that's it then. Show's over. She's got off with it.'

Kevin meets Sally out of work and they go to the Rovers. He goes back inside to tell Chris to lock up, and finds him lovingly entertwined with Sam

Now it's Ken's turn in the Witness Box. Prosecutor - 'Mr Barlow. Are you, as you have stated, a retired schoolteacher?' 'Yes'. From the Public Gallery Les adds 'And a male escort in his spare time' Titters run around the Court. He agrees that he was the first to establish that Jon was not a pilot, but a salesman at Tie 'n' Fly. Prosecutor suggests that this was contrary to Mrs Rachid's claim that he was a pilot. Ken explains that it was Jon's claim that he was a pilot, she had no reason to disbelieve him. Ken then has to agree that although he told Dreary the truth, he agreed to maintain the deception. Prosecutor still maintains that Dreary concocted the whole story about Jon failing a medical and having to take a ground job, and asking Ken to go along with the story. Ken states that it wasn't Dreary's deception, it was Jon's idea, though he went along with it to save her embarrassment. Ken agrees that he heard Dreary and Jon repeat these lies in public, and did not contradict them

Prosecutor then asks if he still loves his ex-wife. Gasps go around the court at this revelation, though Ken denies that but agrees he is still very fond of her. 'And would you lie for her?'. 'I wouldn't lie for her in a Court of Law'. 'But you'd lie for her on other premises?' Ken states that Jon made all the lies.

He asks if Ken still seeks a reconciliation with his ex-wife, which Ken denies. He agrees though that he has deep feelings for her.

'Did Dreary Rachid lie on her behalf and did she put you up to lie on her behalf?. More gasps as Ken answers 'Yes, she did.' 'Thank you. I have no more questions'.

CUE CLOSING CREDITS

Episode written by Catherine Hayes.

[1] I've been wanting to use that word since I learned what it meant. [2]
[2]
You can look it up when you get home [3]
[3]
Or apply ROT13 - Gnxvat cyrnfher sebz gur zvfsbeghar bs bguref.

Dewey


Wednesday 25 March

Dear Update Readers,

I promise myself every year that I won't watch the Oscar ceremony, knowing it as I do to be an over-hyped celebration of commercialism and crassness organised by a bunch of tossers who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. But every year I succumb, taken in as always by the glitz and the glitter and the costumes and the general high-camp of it all. (Plus it's always an excuse for a rip-roaring social occasion chez nous, because Oscar night, like the Eurovision Song Contest, is best sampled in the company of friends, with lots of food and drink and copious amounts of interesting medicinal material: such events are tailor-made for chemical excess and are surely not intended to be experienced sober).

This year's ceremony was relatively conservative on the whole, with no great shocks or surprises. (I'm talking frocks here, folks; frocks and face-lifts). The craziest outfit this time round was worn by that non-actress, Cher, who had some kind of unfinished wicker basket on her head, with Madonna a close second. (The latter wore an outfit that was not so much a fashion statement as a cry for help: a cross between a Red Indian squaw and a Swiss milk-maid having a bad hair decade). As for the nip-and-tuck brigade, the prize for the most obvious facelift went to Celeste Holm (Bette Davis's co-star in All About Eve). She's eighty if she's a day, yet she came across like a woman half her age. Trouble is that she's obviously had so much nipped, tucked and lifted that her nether regions are now up above her neck, and so, as my housemate pointed out, she probably can't open her mouth in case it farts.

As far as the actual Oscars were concerned, well it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that Titanic would sweep the board. But how they could fail to give a Best Actress Oscar to Judi Dench is beyond me. (If you haven't seen Mrs Brown, do so immediately). Having said that, this *is* Hollywood, after all, and they always look after their own. The rest of the evening was pretty lacklustre, the main highlights being a fleeting appearance by that god amongst men, Antonio Banderas, and the Supporting Actress Award won by that goddess amongst women, Kim "What's a Peugeot 406?" Basinger. My mother, confused as ever, phoned up to ask me why I thought Heartbeat hadn't been nominated for anything, which is par for the course where she's concerned. As you've probably guessed, she's no fool but she does have this amazing capacity for confusing issues. (After all, this is the woman who thinks 'bulimia' is a small country in South America). She was also devastated to learn that her hearthrob, Robert Mitchum, had died. (He actually pegged it months ago, but my mother never knows that people have died until months, sometimes years, afterwards; she's only just stopped writing fan letters to Ivor Novello).

Anyway, enough of this gossip and banter; let's get down to business...

The episode opens in Principles Palace, with Ken Barlow and the Drear, both clad in their dressing-gowns, mulling over the previous day's shenanigans in court. Deirdre is reliving her ordeal. "Even if I live to be a hundred," she groans, "I'll never be able to get the image out of my head: me, standing there in the dock in front of judge and jury, accused of all these terrible things." (Including, presumably, terminal stupidity, misuse of root vegetables and chronic tendon abuse). Ken says that he feels that he has let her down by admitting that she asked him to lie for her. "But it was so difficult," he says, "because they force you into telling the truth: it's like a dog getting sheep into a pen. I'm sorry, Deirdre, but I couldn't lie: I simply had to tell the truth." Deirdre acknowledges Saint Kenneth's apology and says that it's not his fault. "I should have believed you when you told me Jon was a fraud," she says, "and then I should have chucked him. But I loved him..."

At the Rover's, Alec Gilroy is talking on his mobile to one Neville Ratcliffe, a Golden Years escort who has heard about Babs Fanshawe's sad demise and is now resigning. Gilroy tries to reassure him that Babs's death is "a mere hiccup in the Golden Years success story." He adds: "Plus it's a two-way street, Neville; after all, who paid for you to get your suit cleaned?" (It would seem that those clients who don't actually die on their escorts probably do the next best thing and throw up all over them. Some success story!) But Neville Ratcliffe won't be harangued into staying with the organisation and he hangs up. Jack, who has been listening, tells Alec that Golden Years should never have used Ken Barlow, and that Babs Fanshawe "probably lost the will to live." (Haven't we at RATUCS been saying that for the past week?) "You should have used me instead," Jack asserts. Alec is not convinced. "If it had been you instead of Ken Barlow," he says, "you'd have probably ransacked her handbag as well." Jack departs to make a pot of tea, and with a lascivious wink invites Orange Girl and Nastily to join him. When he has gone, Nastily tells Orange Girl that Jack obviously thinks he is God's gift to women. "But then again," she adds, suddenly going into cod-psychologist mode, "everyone has their delusions. You, for example, are deluding yourself if you think you can play games and not get caught." Sam plays dumb and so Nastily spells it out for her: Chris 'Studley' Collins, the dick-led mechanic down the street. Sam continues to play dumb and denies that there is anything between her and Chris. "You're the one who's deluding yourself," she tells Nastily, "because Chris and I are just good friends. And Des and me are just fine!" (Methinks Samantha should embark on a short course of correction at the hands of Ken "I cannot tell a lie" Barlow. But then again, maybe not. After all, one death from passive charisma deficit is enough).

Talking of lies and liars, at this point we switch momentarily to Weatherfield Crown Court, where Jon Lindsay is being called into the dock and sworn in. As he promises to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, Deirdre stares at him with a look of sheer undiluted disgust on her face.

Back in the Street, Chris is asking Kevin permission to knock off early for 'lunch', which means knocking off early so that he can knock off Samantha. Kevin gives a grunt of agreement and then looks on as Chris crosses the road to his flat, joined en route by Orange Girl. As Chris and Sam disappear into his flat, a smug smile of satisfaction sits for a second on Kevin's lips. And why not? For Kevin, more than most, can easily recognise deception and duplicity when he sees it.

Back in court, Jon's barrister is asking him why he persisted in wearing Ian Jenkins's uniform and pretending to be a pilot. Jon admits that it was partly out of vanity but mainly because of Deirdre. The Drear, he says, had accompanied him to Jenkins's house, mooched around, found the uniform and had then insisted that Jon wear it and pretend to all her friends that he was a pilot. (At this point Deirdre begins to rise in indignation, but is told by Frankie Stillman to stay still and remain calm). Lindsay goes on to say that the whole sordid pretence was Deirdre's idea, fuelled by the notion that there might be money in it somewhere. The Drear simply shakes her head in exasperation, while her friends in the gallery tut-tut and exchange outraged glances.

Back at the Rover's, Des wants to know where Sam is. Nastily tells him that Orange Girl has gone shopping. "Nice if you can get away with it," she adds cryptically. "Do you want to know where she's really gone?" says Kevin, who is supping nearby. Des cottons on immediately and accuses Kevin yet again of gunning for Chris by implicating him with Samantha, all because he wants to get back at Chris for plugging Sally. "Sam has gone shopping," insists Des. Kevin shrugs. "What she's getting off Chris she can't buy in a shop," he says. "And she's probably not paying for it either."

Back in court, Jon Lindsay is being questioned about the mortgage fraud. Again, while he admits to having forged Ian Jenkins's signature, he says that he did so only at the behest of the Drear. On the question of the Gold Card, however, he pleads ignorance and innocence: he knew absolutely nothing about it whatsoever, m'lud. Deirdre's tendons begin to stir. Mr Hamilton, the Drear's barrister, is then asked by the judge whether he would like to cross-question Pinnocchio. Hamilton says that naturally he would, at which point the judge adjourns the court.

Meanwhile, back at the Rover's, Des is still quizzing Nastily about Sam's whereabouts and when she will be returning. Nastily says that Sam has been gone about twenty minutes (more than enough time for Studley to have speared the bearded clam *and* have a bite of lunch in the process) and shouldn't be too long. Our attention is distracted at this point by the arrival of Audreh Roberts and Les Battersby, fresh from the spectators' gallery of Weatherfield Crown Court. Vera wants to know the state of play and Audreh tells here that Lindsay has blamed everything on Deirdre. "He's just like all men," says Audreh. "Yes," agrees Vera, with a knowing nod in Jack's direction. "Men are all dirty dogs; I should know!" (At this point my housemate Mark and I screamed out in agreement with Vera; Mark has just become single too, dumped by his prison-officer boyfriend, and now plans to adopt celibacy 'for the foreseeable future'. Should be the hardest forty-eight hours of his life then...)

This is all too much for Des and he storms out of the Rover's, his mind in turmoil and his heart in tatters. He goes to Chris's flat, walks away, hesitates, walks back again, all the time being watched by Kevin over at the garage. Finally he decides to see whether Kevin's accusations are true and, with a couple of swift kicks, he bashes Chris's door down and dashes upstairs.

And so, dear readers, the scriptwriters finally put the Chris and Sam plot out of its misery by allowing the bonkaholics to get caught in the act. Samantha clearly had it coming to her - probably just before Des barged in - and Chris too has been sailing too close to the wind for far too long. His impudence has been growing by the day and he has been taking one liberty after another. Give a man an inch and he'll take a mile, after all. (Unless you're on the other bus, of course, where, if you give a man an inch, he'll probably take the other six as well. At least that's been my experience). Des storms into Chris's bedroom and is rewarded with the sight of Studley and Orange Girl under the duvet. Sam is visibly mortified, while Chris has the smug look of one who has just driven the big pink love bus into Fishville and doesn't give a damn who knows. Des hurls a wad of money onto the bed and snarls: "Here - get yourself a new door!" ("And if there's enough left over, Samantha can get her back entry repaired as well!")

After the commercial break, we are whisked back to court. Hamilton is grilling Jon on his double life and portraying him to the jury as "an expert deceiver of women". Jon claims that Deirdre knew all along that he was married, and reiterates yet again that the deception and duplicity were all down to her. She wanted everyone to think that he was an unmarried pilot, he says, because she wanted him to appear glamorous and important in front of her friends. Hamilton asks him why he went along with the sham for so long. "Mrs Rachid," says Jon, "is a very persuasive woman."

At Des's house (once known as 'Shagworld' but shortly to be re-named "Onan's Place"), another erstwhile persuasive woman is trying to impress on Des that she has always cared for him and still does care. Now Des is not stupid and knows only too well that when a woman tells you that she loves you - but is still 'foaming at the gash', as they say up here in the north-east, after Ugandan relations with one of your mates - she's hardly likely to score 180 on the old dartboard of truth. "Why didn't you just leave me?" Des asks pitifully. "Why did you have to have a 'bit on the side'?" (Which, coming as it does from a man who has had more 'bits on the side' than a colostomy bag, is surely the most blatant display of hypocrisy in the annals of the Street's sordid sexual history, but never mind). Samantha, naturally, has no answer. Des then tells her that she is a 'freak', tosses her things at her and tells her to get out of his house and out of his life.

Still on the subject of freaks, Jon Lindsay is still being questioned by Hamilton. This time, the subject is the evidence given by Ken Barlow. At the mere mention of the name 'Barlow', everyone in the courtroom lapses immediately into a catatonic trance and is brought back to the world of the living only by a cry of "That's not true! It's all lies!" This outburst comes, of course, from Deirdre, for Jon has just told everyone that she had consciously manipulated Barlow and forced him to lie on her behalf. Lindsay dismisses the little matter of marriage as another of Deirdre's ploys. He admits to having announced their intention to marry to all of those who were attending their 'housewarming' party, but claims that it was a Deirdre-orchestrated sham. (It's at this juncture that he admits to borrowing £5000 from her - a fact which is ignored by Hamilton, but which clearly has important implications for the outcome. Why did no-one pick up on this? Similarly, why has no-one come forward to say that Lindsay was wearing the pilot's uniform on the night he met Deirdre, and that consequently she couldn't have put him up to it?) The judge warns Deirdre that if she repeats her outburst, she will be taken down.

At the garage, a red-faced and angry Studley confronts Kevin. "You couldn't fire the gun yourself," he snarls, "and so you did it through Des." Kevin says that he told Des about Studley and Sam because "Des is a mate". Chris says that it was precisely because Des was a mate that Kevin should have kept mum. Anyway, Chris quits his job on the spot and says that he won't be hanging around the Street much longer. "You won't be missed," says Kevin. "I wouldn't be so sure," retorts Studley. "And if Sally knew what was best for her, she'd leave too."

At the Rover's, Samantha is bemoaning her fate to Nastily and securing herself a place to stay in the process. "I didn't mean to hurt him," she says. "Oh, the way he looked at me, as though he hated me." Nastily gives a sardonic grin. "Come on, Samantha," she says. "What did you expect: a big smile and a sloppy kiss?" Sam asks her whether she agrees with Des that she (Sam) is a 'freak'. Nastily does not agree. "I do," says Sam. "I think I'm a freak." Eighteen million viewers cheer as the first word of truth all evening is finally spoken.

The court now adjourned until tomorrow, the Drear emerges into the corridor only to be waylaid by DS Wyatt. (At this point, for some reason, Mark reminded me that we've run out of Dettox). Anyway, the divine DS tells Deirdre that if she knew what was best for her, she'd change her plea to guilty. "Plead guilty and you'll get off with a lighter sentence," he says. Deirdre's neck goes into tendon overdrive as she says once again that she is innocent, but it is clear that DS Wyatt has touched a raw nerve and given her cause for doubt. "I'm only trying to help you," says the delicious DS as he departs. Emily, clad ominously in black, and Mike Baldwin see that the Drear is upset and are shocked to hear that DS Wyatt has advised her to change her plea. Emily, obviously buoyed by her new found sense of anti-establishment rebellion, tells Deirdre to ignore DS Wyat and continue with the non-guilty plea. Mike agrees, adding that DS Wyat was simply trying to frighten her. "Well he's done a good job," says the unfortunate Drear, as visions of barred windows, slopping out, body searches and endless portions of chopped liver sundae fill her troubled mind.

Back in the Street, Des and Angie are having a heart-to-heart, Des's conclusion being that given how he has cheated on women in the past, Sam's infidelity is probably some kind of pay-back.

And finally, back at Principles Palace, Barlow suggests that Deirdre (together with Frankie and La Mouton, also in attendance) could do with something long, wet and stiff to take away the strains of the long ordeal in court, and so he cracks open a bottle of brandy. They discuss the day's events, at the centre of which was Jon's unnervingly credible performance in the dock. Deirdre apologises for her outburst, but Frankie says that such displays of exasperation often find favour with juries. (Which is cobblers, actually, because when Glenda Young feigned a fainting fit in court, it didn't get *her* off. The jury saw through it immediately. After all, when you're up on charges of nicking three cans of "Mr Muscle" from Kwik-Save, a fainting fit will always be seen as being way over the top. And of course the previous convictions didn't help). Frankie says that it all boils down to the jury, and whether they will find Deirdre more convincing than Jon. "It's all up to you, Deirdre," says Frankie, as the tendonned one stares grimly into mid-distance and the credits roll.

That's about it for this week, folks. There's no "As I See It" because this update has been delayed far too long, and if I tell you all about Jason's going-away party last Wednesday, we'll be here all night. It's already very late (1.25 a.m) and I am in dire need of a tea-break. (A nice pot of Earl Grey, methinks, accompanied by a plate of Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers; I always feel better when I've got a few Fingers inside me).

So what will happen to the Drear? So far, the courtroom scenes have been a shambles; gripping, yes, but a shambles nevertheless. We know that Lindsay was wearing his pilot's uniform on the fateful night that he met Deirdre, yet no-one has come forward to say as much. Too many things have been glossed over for comfort. Is this a deliberate attempt on the part of Brian Park to communicate to us the sad state of British justice? And didn't we all know that already? Tell that to my friend David, who found himself up in court for defending himself in a gay-bashing incident. (David was coming out of a club in Coventry when some dumb lager lout shouted, "Rot in hell, you f****** queer!" Without hesitating, David replied: "It's *Mister* f****** queer to you!" and duly proceeded to punch his lights out). David eventually got off, but the shame of having to appear in court was considerable.

Earl Grey beckons...

Until next time, love and hugs, CP
(who is now actually beginning to enjoy his single status once more. Oh the joy of being able to lurch home drunk at three in the morning, piss in the kitchen sink and not have someone throw a hissy fit next morning because you forgot to take the dishes out first! No, I still love him really...)


Friday 27 March

Well another week has zipped by - I'll swear that there are less hours in every week the older I get! Recovering from a grotty cold so the energy levels are a bit low here and I'm feeling a tad under par! Diddums!

We've had spring hitting us early in the last few weeks - up here in the frozen north, normally we're about three weeks behind the south in terms of the seasonal growth, but we've had blossom on trees blossoming early this year and nothing in the way of snow over the winter, apart from a bit one evening in December. Bearing in mind it cab be fun and games here in winter, this year has been unusual to say the least! This unseasonal weather has reaped its dividends in terms of all manner of infections, colds, coughs, etc. - whereas we would expect them to be wiped out by a good dose of cold weather, I am having to rely on vast quantities of alcohol to do the job! Ah well, these sacrifices have to be made.

I have had some more fan mail this week - in particular from the friendly folks in North America - which has been most appreciated. It never ceases to astound me how a programme, based on Northern life, has so much appeal on the other side of the duckpond thousands of miles away. I suppose that this is testimony to the scripts which portray situations which can be mirrored anywhere - credibility is all important as far as I'm concerned. Another strength, of course, is the dialogue between the characters, which is pretty priceless sometimes. Finally, the quality of the characters.

The week has been eventful on the box for the trial of Deirdre Rachid and Jon Lindsay - as I type this up on Sunday afternoon, we await the jury's verdict. Miscarriages of justice do occur and I wonder whether D will actually end up being found guilty - the difficulty is one of getting across the case to the jury and only two people in this case know exactly what happened (that and the umpteen million of viewers, as well, of course) but the jury can only examine the information as presented to them and weigh up the evidence accordingly. At this stage, 14:15 on Sunday afternoon, I don't feel confident for Deirdre.

The other has been the return of a blight the newsgroup could do without - if I say, I'm Pooked if I know how we can rid ourselves of this scourge, then I'm sure you'll know to whom I refer! Over time, I have been gathering names for the gunk-tank - so far, this includes names such as Sian Lloyd (ITV Weathercaster) and Anthea Turner (BBC National Lottery show and many others) for their ability to irritate beyond belief. Well, I think JP's name can also be safely added to the list - as in The Mikado "I've got them on my list and none of them would be missed", apart from the momentary pleasure of the gunk hitting them. Mm, must curtail these savage tendencies!

Friday's episode, sponsored by Cadbury's Wispa Mints, opens with Deirdre's day at the stand in court.

Part 1
It's breakfast time at Ken Barlow's. He is in the kitchen asking D how she is feeling. "Fine", she replies, "I've just brought half the lining of my stomach up. Apart from that, I've never felt better"! Ken tries to reassure her that all will be fine when she takes the stand and as she's innocent, she has nothing to fear! Has he never heard of the Guildford Four or the Indianapolis 500?

Natalie bumps into Chris on The Street. She presumes that there is a vacancy at the garage and tells him that Samantha is staying with her. He tells her that he is unable to work for Kevin anymore and that there is nothing to keep him in Weatherfield. When questioned by Natalie, he tells her that Samantha doesn't know this and that "it is none of her business - or yours"!

We are in court and an expert witness has been called to the stand - it is Dr. Marian Taylor, a graphologist. In response to questioning by the Prosecuting Barrister, she is telling the court that there are two types of forgery - an example of the first is Jon Lindsay's mortgage application which was forged freehand. The other is the credit card application which was done with tracing paper. She explains how a freehand forgery can identify the culprit's identity, however a traced application disguises the personal idiosyncrasies which are ironed out - in short, you can tell it's a forgery but no who did it. "It could have been either of them".

D's barrister, when cross examining Dr Taylor, elicits from her that the mortgage forgery was a good one and that Jon is a skilful forger "of that signature". The credit card forgery was also very good and needed someone with Jon's level of skill. Gotcha!

Nat rings Samantha - she tells her that Chris is leaving and advises her that she needs to get in quick if she wants him. She agrees to cover for Sam, while Sam seeks out Chris.

We're back in court and D is now at the stand being questioned by her barrister. She confirms that she did not know Jon was married and despite him being away from her for half the time, she had no reason to disbelieve him, until she found out he worked in a shop. She accepts she should have left him, but he told her another good lie, so she stayed with him. "I loved him too much" is hear plaintive plea. ON further questioning, she tells the court that it was his idea they should move into Ian Jenkins' house - she ended up giving up her own flat and being totally humiliated. He arranged the mortgage, she had no idea this was one fraudulently - she never put pressure on him to arrange it, in fact, on a number of occasions she sought reassurance that he could afford it. Jon arranged the credit card - she knew nothing about it until he gave her the card - and she did not know it had been obtained fraudulently.

As regards the £4000 she drew on the card, she did this when she realised he was married and wanted to retrieve the £5000 she had lent him. She had done this at the rate of £500 per day until the machine gobbled up her card. She went to the bank to ask why this had happened because she didn't think she'd done anything wrong - surely she'd have run a mile, just like he did. She had offered to pay the money back when she discovered that the money had been drawn from Ian Jenkins' account - she couldn't believe it.

After his abscondment, Jon Lindsay had turned up and apologised for everything - he told her his wife had threatened to kill herself if he left her. He had asked her to go with him to Venezuela - at that stage, she rang the police because she was terrified of him.

She confirmed that Jon had made all the running in the relationship - he had asked her out, asked her to live with him, asked her to marry him, even arranged the wedding day without consulting her. Her barrister tells her that the Crown contends she was the creative intelligence behind the fraud to which she replies "If I was intelligent, do you think I would be here now? I'm going to spend the rest of my life asking myself how I could have been so stupid". All in all, a convincing performance by Deirdre.

Samanfa has tracked Chris down to T'Caff. She tells him that Natalie has told her he's leaving and she tells him she's coming with him. He replies that he thought the relationship as just a bit of fun, but she says that it's gone further now. After Chris tells her he is going to West Bromwich later, she tells him that she wants to be with him and they agree to meet later in The Rovers. After she leaves, we see a pensive looking Chris - clearly not very happy at the way things are turning out.

It is now time for the Prosecuting Barrister to cross examine D. He very quickly moves to destroy D's credibility by ridiculing her stance. In essence the gist of his message is that D's version of events doesn't stack up, that in fact she was the prime mover in the whole affair. To back his case up, he explores a number of events. He takes her back to the day they were due to move into (what we now know as) Ian Jenkins' home when she fabricated the story about the locks being changed by Jon's wife, so as to save face with her friends. He pours scorn on Jon's alleged appointment which resulted in him spending the same time away from home as before. Surely he would been able to afford the £5000 which he subsequently borrowed from D - she counters by saying that Jon had told her the money was tied up. He then tries to further discredit her by saying that this was insurance money obtained "after the death of your third husband in mysterious circumstances, 18 months ago". In short, she was the prime mover who led and took advantage of a weak and impressionable man besotted with her, for her own gains. He further ridicules her by referring to Jon having to work in Aberdeen on Christmas morning and Portsmouth on Christmas night - D agrees it looked ridiculous, to which he retorts "Beyond belief, would be how I'd put it - nobody of your considerable experience could be that gullible, the only version of this story that adds up is his". D looks upset - collapse of stout party.

Des and Angie Freeman are talking about Samantha - she says she cannot believe that Samantha, who previously would hardly let a man near her, has ended up being involved with "Mr High Principles". Des reckons it might be payback time for the all playing around he's done in the past. Angie ruefully replies that if this is the case, then we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg!

The Prosecution's barrister is concluding his case. He tells D that she's been very shrewd. When her advances to Jon had been spurned, she had threatened to tell his wife - when D denies this to put forward her version, he asks why she had not reported the matter to the police as an intended bigamy. D tries to show that she's the innocent party in the case by asking why would she have gone to the bank after the cash dispenser swallowed up her card, if she was guilty - "Because you thought you could get away with it". The ace is delivered when he asks "if Jon Lindsay was the author of this crime, what did he get out of it financially". D maintains that Jon is a fantasist and that he wanted to impress her, but is forced to agree that he got nothing out if it. "Exactly" says the barrister, "the house was yours and so was the credit card" to which we see Jon looking on innocently and nodding his head in agreement. "He didn't make a penny - would any criminal in his right mind, risk his neck like that for nothing?" (laughing) "I've never heard of one!"

Part 1 ends with D looking distraught.

The Adverts

Interesting how music plays an increasing part in ads these days - a McDonald's ad comes with the message "Yours for a fistful of small change" and accompanied by "Fistful of dollars" type music.

"Ready Steady Go" was one of the seminal pop music programmes of the 60s and it's pleasing seeing an album promoted under that banner entitled "60s Sound of Motown - 50 Motown Classics". RSG was very influential in promoting black music, especially the sounds of the Tamla Motown stable - real memory jerker back to 30 odd years ago.

A few other ads of no great personal impact and then, just as quickly, it's time for

Part 2
Mr Seymour, a car salesman, is being interviewed by D's barrister. He tells how Jon test drove a Saab and said he was an airline pilot. He says the Lindsay was very plausible and tells the Court that Jon didn't buy the car in the end and decided to go for a Porsche instead. Hey, it's looking good for D!

Sam turns up late at The Rovers - Vera is not much pleased and tells her to buck her ideas up. Sam updates Natalie - she says that Chris is leaving but omits to tell her that she's going with him.

Back at the Court, it's time for the Saint of Coronation Street to make an appearance. Emily Bishop is at the stand testifying for D. She calls her "honest, reliable, hard-working and a good mother to her daughter." In response to questions about how Jon had told her about his ear imbalance which had resulted in him having to give up flying, she states that he was "very convincing - everything about him was convincing. I can quite see how Deirdre was taken in."

The Prosecuting barrister starts his character assassination of Emily by referring to her recent protest at the "Red Rec", when she had climbed a tree "to stop the contractors getting on with their legally approved work" and asks her how she squares this with her "reputation for being a decent, upright, law-abiding citizen". Emily responds that she climbed the tree "for something I believed in, regardless of the consequences. I'm here today for the same reason. If Deirdre's guilty of these preposterous allegations, ...... then I'm a banana!" (laughter in the Court.) Somehow unzipping an Emily just doesn't have the right ring to it, but it's one of those nice moments for which Corrie is famous. Yep, looks like Emily's rescued it.

We're back in The Rovers - Samanfa's at the bar. Des is propping up a glass - he gets up to leave the pub and bumps into Sally and Rita Sullivan coming in. Sally enquires after his welfare to which he replies sarcastically "Great ... and all thanks to that wonderful husband of yours". In the exchange which follows, Sally realises that Kevin has spilled the beans regarding Chris and Samantha - she is horrified that Kevin has done the deed.

In the Court, the judge is summing up. He refers to this as a serious fraud. Essentially two people of previously good character are involved - each accuses the other of lying, each claims to be beguiled by the other against their better judgement. Much of the evidence is inconclusive, whom are we to believe. Now the knockout punch "perhaps the key question is, who benefited from the enterprise? Jon Lindsay got nothing - it is a poor criminal who risks imprisonment for no reward of any kind" (we see Jon Lindsay nodding - you can almost hear D's beloved ex - her poor young Samir saying "you very bad man!" I think if D goes down there's be a fatwa out on Lindsay!) "Deirdre Rachid was the sole beneficiary, yet she has denied under oath knowing anything about it, claiming that Jon Lindsay did it to impress her. This is a difficult case - a serious one ... the consequences for Deirdre Rachid, if found guilty, could be grave". D looks mortified.

We are at chez Webster - Kev is doing his "Modern man" bit at the sink - Sally comes into the house. She is angry with him for telling Des "It was none of our business" she maintains. For Kevin, it's a case of sticking up for a mate, but Sally feels that he only did it because he cannot forgive Chris for sleeping with her. "Yes, well, you would say that, wouldn't you?" replies Kevin. "Why do you care what I've done? Because you still love him, that's why!" Sally denies that she was ever in love with Chris, but Kevin is not convinced. She cares because it "reminds me what a petty narrow-minded little prat I'm married to." "If you think that, why did you have me back in the first place?" asks Chris and it's Sally's time to deliver the knockout "I'm beginning to wonder". As Butcher Fred would say "It'll all end in tears, I say, all end in tears"!

The jury have retired to consider their verdict. D is in the toilets, no doubt, having emptied her bowels of what small amounts of her breakfast are left inside her tum. Linda Lindsay comes into the toilets, but turns to leave when she sees D. They have an exchange - Linda says that she will go to the police if D threatens her, but D reassures her "Don't worry, you're not the one I'd like to kill". Linda still maintains that Jon has done "nothing wrong, except what you forced him into", to which D replies that Linda knows Jon is guilty and that she is only protecting him because she doesn't want her marriage to split up and her kids to be seeing their dad go to jail. Linda laughs and shaking her head says "Jon's right - you're mad!" Frizzie Lizzie Hamburger comes into the loo, but Linda leaves.

Chris visits Sally at her home - he's here to say goodbye and, when pressed, admits Samantha is coming with him. Sally senses he doesn't sound keen at which stage Chris strokes her hair and says that she could be the one going back to West Brom with him later that night - can she resist the offer?

Mike Baldwin is asking the barrister whether D will be OK. The answer is non-committal. Frankie Stillman tries to placate Mike by saying that the judge was even-handed in his summing up, pointing out that he can direct a jury any way he likes. "In this case, it seems he hasn't decided one way or the other". It's like the world of investment, I suppose - unit prices can fall as well as rise and Mike has an investment here, not that wifey knows about that - yet!

Les Battersby is talking to Alec Gilroy and saying "I'll be glad to get out of this place - they give me the willies after a bit, courts, don't they you?". Alec doesn't feel the same way, "but then, of course, I daresay, I haven't got the experience of them (that) you have." "Don't worry", replies Les, "when the dead escort case comes up for trial, it should even things up". Fifteen-all!

Emily, Ken and Audrey Roberts are in the court corridor - Ken congratulates D on her appointment in the dock. Emily calls her "very brave" but D doesn't think she was very good. Audreys expresses her belief in D's innocence, but D reminds her that she didn't always think that. The nerves are getting to the lass - in fact, you can almost smell the trickle of fear! Alec congratulates Emily on her performance but Emily assures him that it was no performance. Just then, we learn jury have returned to court.

Chris is still trying to persuade Sally to leave with him - he's saying she'll never be happy with him, but Sally points out that there are the girls to think about. Chris views this as an excuse, but Sally is adamant that they need their father. Reminding her that Kevin has strayed from the straight and narrow before, predicts that she and Kevin will end up getting divorced anyway. He takes hold of her hand and asks her again to come with him. On cue, enter hubby - he's forgotten his butties - he sees the cosy tete-a-tete and asks what's going on. We have to wait how this scene will end because in the next scene....

We're back in court. The Clerk to the Court asks the foreman to stand. "Mr Foreman, please answer my first question, "yes" or "no". Have the jury reached verdicts on all the counts on the indictment, to which they are all agreed" Mr Foreman "Yes we have." D looks on apprehensively as the music starts and the credits roll and we have to wait until Sunday at 7.30 for the verdict - delayed to boost audience figures, no doubt, but please don't call me a cynic!

Episode written by Martin Allen
Copyright of above scripts remains with ITV Television.

From my previous updates, you may have gathered that I like a script with some good dialogue - although this episode wasn't one of those (apart from Emily's banana), it certainly make up for it in terms of drama. What it did convey was the tooing and froing in a court as each side makes its case and countercase. The episode was full of tension, to be relieved once we know the verdict. We're now just two hours away.....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 29 March

First of all, my apologies for the tardiness of this update. I blame that lost hour on Sunday morning, personally, my body clock is only just back in sync. A sort of British Summer Time jet lag.

Actually, one of the (few) drawbacks of having a permanent Net connection at work is that sometimes some pesky work gets in the way. Plus, our tape of Sunday's denouement was lent out to friends. Excuses, excuses.

A fine weekend by all accounts chez Laird. Spring is definitely arriving, witness the arrival of lost tribes in what should pass for a back lawn. Maybe some of them will have a herd of goats, and I'll be saved the back- breaking effort of the first cut of the year. Anyhow, the weekend passed very quickly, leading us on to, without further ado, perhaps THE most eagerly awaited episode of CS since the Deirdre/Mike/Ken triangle came to a conclusion. All the more interesting then, that once again, all 3 are deeply involved in the events leading up to...

The Verdict

Act 1
After Friday's cliff-hanger, how long will we have to wait before the clerk of the court and the jury foreman continue with the verdicts ? The answer is no time at all - the scene continues. The clerk goes through the charges one by one, and the foreman replies.

"Guilty". "Guilty". "Guilty". "Guilty".

As each verdict is announced, we see the shocked faces of, first Deirdre, and then the onlookers in the gallery. Mike jumps to his feet and tells anyone who wants to listen [jury aside] that the real villain is sat right in front of him. Jon turns to his wife with a smug expression on his face. 18.5 million viewers want to reach in and rearrange his features on a permanent basis. The judge adjourns the court before the sentencing. [What about the reports from the probation service, sez my neighbour who knows about these things ? Tut tut.]

Stunned, we are spared any more of this dreadful stuff as we cut to the Websters' house. Again, the scene continues exactly as we left it, with Kevin having discovered Sally and Chris sitting at the table, hands clasped. Kevin demands to know what's going on. Chris is leaving, and he wants Sally to go with him. [At this point, I was sure fisticuffs would be in order, but nope, the boys are still talking, perhaps not to one another, but still.] Sally has not committed herself, but now she does. Her place is there, with her family. Chris wonders what her answer would have been if Kevin had not returned. Kevin loses it, and threatens to throw Chris out if he won't go by himself. Before leaving, Chris wishes Sally good luck for the future.

Outside the court, Mike is arguing the toss with Deirdre's lawyer [hope the distinction between in-court and out-of-court legal representation is not too confusing to non-UK readers]. He wants an immediate appeal, but the lawyer is cool. It appears these things have to be carefully planned and timed in order not to have an unwanted negative effect. Mike gets more angry, at which point he is informed that public outbursts in court probably don't help.

Alec is dispensing tea to the others. Les comes out with some crack about the "Hungerford Five", probably referring to the "Guildford Four", famous victims of British injustice. Mike, still stinging, suggests to Ken that the verdict was probably to his satisfaction. Ah, now we get the fists, but no real blows are landed before Alec breaks up the fight with a cup of coffee [you had to be there]. In one of those awkward moments, everyone discusses how good the refreshments are. [As opposed to "what's going to happen to Deirdre ??". Best to have a cup of tea when the going's rough.]

Returning to the Websters, Kevin suggests that Sally may well have left with Chris. She gets angry, telling him she has had it with his suspicions. He retorts that he agreed not to have anything more to do with Natalie [15-all]. Sally lets slip that this is not the first time that Chris has asked her to leave with him. Kevin notches another degree of anger, telling her he thinks she *was* tempted by Chris' offer, and that as far he is concerned, she can leave if she wants to. He's off.

Chris is in the Rovers, as Angie approaches. [Strange how Angie just comes and goes with no explanation or discussion of her absence. Wherever she's been, there was no make-up there. It's still the bare-faced look. Is Angie fanciable ? Discuss.] She accuses him of breaking up the Sam/Des thing, and asks if it was personal, as Des had effectively put paid to their relationship. She concludes with, and I quote: "A nice lunchbox is alright for a bit, but when all you've got for a brain is an empty vacuum flask, a smart girls looks elsewhere". Not a bad line, but a bit contrived for an off-the-cuff remark, and to be honest we're just waiting for this filler to end and return to the court. Whatever, Chris grins [yep, his lunchbox is just fine with him], and Sam looks on with a smile [fine with her too !].

The judge addresses Deirdre and Jon [boo, his] in the dock. He believes they are both guilty, but that blame cannot be equally apportioned. One of the accused had pleaded guilty, has shown remorse, heavens the poor babe was led astray by a wicked scheming partner. We quickly see DS Wyatt, who has a disbelieving look on his face. Jon is given a 6-month sentence, suspended for 2 years. [If this isn't clear to our overseas cousins, this means Jon doesn't actually go to jail, but has to behave himself under threat of immediate imprisonment, the threat remaining active for 2 years. He still has a criminal record, though.] Turning to Deirdre, the judge starts laying it on with a trowel. She was found guilty, unanimously, on all counts. She orchestrated everything, ensnaring a vulnerable married man [I expect the nation's cry of "Bollocks !" registered in other continents]. She has shown no remorse. He announces sentences of 18, 6, 12 and 6 months for the four charges, to run concurrently. Deirdre is shell-shocked, and so is most of the court, including her lawyer. Given one last chance for a statement, she protests her innocence again. The judge orders her taken down. She turns and looks at Jon, but says nothing. We viewers are not so dumbstruck. "Bastard !". Deirdre exchanges glances with Ken on the way down to the holding cells. Liz looks close to tears. I think we'll dispense with the unkind remarks on her appearance on this occasion.

Intermission

Absolutely nothing memorable at all, although I was minded of a series of short ads that run in Scotland, of the most deeply suspicious-looking characters [anyone remember was it Likely from Callan ? He's always one.] caught in some criminal act, with the by-line "It's never too late to call your solicitor."

Act 2
Deirdre's fan club leaves the court. Just in front of them is Mr Smarm and his wife Mrs Doormat. Ken accosts Jon, who ignores him. Liz lunges at wotsername, accusing her of lying in court and knowing the real truth. As the party, sans Lindsays, leave the building, Mike once again has a pop at Ken and his performance in court. He thinks Deirdre would have been better off absconding to Spain. They all see the security van arrive. [Our hearts are briefly lifted by the hope that it's a Group 4 van - Deirdre could be home for tea ! But it isn't.] Liz shouts support at Deirdre as she is led into the van. Poor Dreary looks completely numb.

Back at the Rovers, Vera is serving a *speaking* customer. They've been splashing out at ITV, a stranger has been allowed to say something ! The court spectators arrive, and Audreh breaks the news. Everyone looks shattered.

We return to poor Deirdre as she arrives at reception. Yes, they've got a room for her, but it's a twin, available for 18 months. Asked if this is her first offence, Deirdre replies that it is her first time in prison, she has committed no offence. This cuts no ice with the receptionist. Name, address and car registration please. Oh yes, better give us all your jewellery, purse/handbag etc for safe-keeping. Indignity is piled upon indignity as it is revealed Deirdre has no change of clothing, and will be given some "clean, second-hand clothes". Oh, and £2.50 pocket money. [Fortunately, my kids failed to spot at this point that they would, in fact, do better in prison !!] Deirdre sinks lower still as she is subjected to a strip-search.

By way of light relief, we zoom back to Alma and Mike, sitting down for a meal. Mike is all wound up, wondering how they can eat when God knows what is happening to Deirdre, he's not going to rest until she's free, blah blah. Alma is reaching the end of her tether. Deirdre has been found guilty, that's a fact, now they have to get on with their lives. It's clear she's not so convinced of Deirdre's innocence.

Vera sees Sam waiting on the other side of the bar, with bag. She's off to the gym, apparently. Oh yes.

Deirdre is in what looks like a school changing room. There is some smackhead wailing away in the background, as she is introduced to Officer Beech, on whose floor she will be placed. [Actually, I think I've spelled that wrong, it's probably a Spanish pronunciation of Bitch. She looks straight out of Prisoner, Cell Block H.] "Hello Deirdre, welcome to your new home."

Kevin has returned to find Sally still at their cosy marital home. He says something to the effect that "the prat is back". [Many a true word...] He had half-expected to find her gone. She maintains her place is there. Looking vainly for some glimmer of hope, Kevin asks her if she still loves him. Sally is silent.

Sam is still offering feeble excuses for her continued presence at the bar, rather than the all-night gym. We see Chris approaching outside, but as he reaches the door, he stops, hesitates, then carries on, alone. Later, Sam leaves the Rovers and goes to his flat, which she finds deserted. Oh dear, luv. You've completely stuffed this one. She looks almost pale.

Deirdre arrives at her cell, along with her cellmate. It's Margi Clarke ! The scouse one is in for Actual Bodily Harm, occasioned when someone was making moves on her man. [So at least we're spared the in-cell dykery.] In a vivid contrast between good, if a little limited, acting, and appalling hamminess, Deirdre falls apart as supergob explains how prison works. As the lights go out, at 8:30, Deirdre crumbles. "I shouldn't be here, I haven't done anything. There's been a terrible mistake."

This episode was written by Martin Allen.

Absolutely gut-wrenching stuff, as Deirdre plumbs depths of despair, and we see the last shreds of her self-esteem fall away as the horrible realisation dawns. The worst has happened, and now she's in prison. Will she be strong enough to cope with this ? Will we ?

I rather suspect that we'll only see a few months of this, before Deirdre is released. Rather than Jon's feeble wife caving in [she's dismissed so much damning evidence already on his say-so], my money is on someone from Jon's past appearing, with evidence that he has done this before. All the fraud and lying and deception was too practised to have been a first attempt. To keep CP happy, it looks rather like DS Wyatt perhaps doesn't think the case is completely closed. The shining knight with the off-white charger ?

Great stuff, anyway.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): *****

Best line: None, really. The strength of this episode didn't really come from the script, it was the unfolding situations that gripped.

Best scene: Everything apart from the duff stuff with Chris and Sam. I'm even prepared to see Kevin stay, rather than lose Sally. Their scenes were pretty top-notch too. [Still wondering if I can engineer a meeting with the real Sally...]

Back next week, John Laird


Monday 30 March

I'm sorry chaps, I've let you down again with delaying. Here it is though.

In Cell Block H, the reveille sounds. Or it could be the fire alarm. Jackie Dobbs wakes, and needs a nicotine fix. Dreary can't help her, she's lying on her bed, still wearing her glasses, as if she hasn't been to sleep. Jackie urges Dreary to get up and get going because it'll soon be breakfast.

Mike isn't for eating brekky, he's fretting over Dreary. Alma tries to make him believe that Dreary will be making the best of it, and steeling herself for getting through the next eighteen months. Mike is sure there's a way to get her out, and he's going to find it.

Chez Webster, it's also breakfast time. Kevin is sulking again. They row over the reason - Chris 'Studley' Collins, and that after the previous Studley showdown, Sally couldn't bring herself to tell Kevin that she loved him. 'I made yer breakfast - what more d'you want?' she walks away.

At Underworld, sex goddess Angie tries to talk business with Mike, but he's more interested in calling Frankie Stillman about getting Dreary out. We don't hear her speak, but Mike responds that 'I can't, I've got a business to run'. Angie, in the doorway, is very scathing about that. Mike agrees to take Frankie to lunch. The Rover's. Some lunch date! Just when Angie is sympathising over Dreary but reminding Mike that business comes first, Janice 'Gobby' Battersby comes in to report her sewing machine breaking down again.

Dreary and Jackie are getting lunch. Chips, peas and something indefinable. Jackie is pleased to spot an old lag she knew during a previous residence at Styal prison. The big butch warder joins them to ask how Dreary got on with her interview with the Governor that morning. It seems that Dreary will stay there as it's near her home and friends, but sadly she took the wrong attitude, the 'I don't care, I shouldn't be here' one. 'You have your dinner, I'll see you later' says BBW, intending to put la Drear right on a few prison home truths. Dreary needs to get a grip.

Fiona explains her presence in the Rovers to Vera as being because her Mother has Morgan. After she's sat down, Alec asks Vera if it's true that Fiona is back with Cadaver Boy. 'Women, eh? They ask for all they get. It's no wonder they end up like Dreary Barlow!' (Note the use of Barlow rather than Rachid.....) Vera chides him that no woman would look at him, but he says he's taken himself off the market - 'there's only one woman who has access to me - that lady chiropodist on Albert Road'.

Fiona and Maxine, the CS Stadtler and Waldorf, are discussing Maxine's recent holiday with James. The same James who believed Maxine was Fiona and vice versa, and has never been put straight. The same James who was meeting Fiona in the Rover's on March 2nd and never turned up. She's wondering whether to continue going out with him, she's had a holiday out of him, so it's time to drop him. Well, it would save explaining the name confusion/deceit, wouldn't it? And to the viewers too. Apparently James was a bit domineering - Fiona cheekily suggests that he was the opposite of Ashley - he was never bossy was he? Maxine asks after Ashley to learn that No4 is now a bit of a youth club with Zoe, Shannon, Nick, and Leanne. How long has she been gone? Time to check the past updates methinks - Nick & Leanne must have moved in before Maxine went on holiday with James.

Mike enters the bar with Frankie, and orders chicken sandwiches. What a lunch date eh Mike? Sam passes the order to Vera, who asks her about her love-life. Sam explains that Chris has gone, without even saying goodbye.

Mike wants to know what Frankie has done about the Appeal. Frankie tells him it won't exactly be quick, and presents her bill for £10,000. Mike is horrified, and she breaks it down as £8,000 for Stuart Hamilton, defence barrister, and that it is only an interim account. 'I wouldn't mind', says Mike, 'but at least Dick Turpin got a mask before he robbed people. Eight Thousand quid??? And he lost!! And they call me a con artist!

Seven minutes thirty six seconds and we're into the adverts.

END OF PART ONE

In the Cafe, Kevin is playing with his food. Gail is pleased to see him, knowing that he usually lunches at the Rover's. He explains that he didn't go there because Sally might be there - he can't do right for doing wrong these days. Gail tells him to take his time, but Kevin thinks he's already lost her.

Back at Underworld, Mike is asking Frankie if she thinks that he could avoid paying Hamilton. She doesn't think so, and points out that if he messes Hamilton around, word would get around, and they'd never find a barrister for an appeal. She tells him to pay up - if he's got it. He finds it in the Underworld cheque book, which surprises Frankie. 'It's my money, isn't it?' he asks. Frankie reminds him that the appeals procedure is slow, and Dreary might be out before an appeal could be heard - if she behaves herself.

In the Kabin Rita offers Leanne a cup of tea, and Leanne offers to put the kettle on. 'Oh, no, my idea, I'll do it', teases Rita, 'you go over the shop for a bottle of milk'.

Emily comes in with a 'Free Dierdrie Rachid' poster, and explains that Ken will be visiting Dreary later and news of this support campaign might lift her spirits.

Leanne comes into the shop for the milk, as expected. Ashley thinks she's come from home, not the Kabin, and mutters about how Zoe should be running her own errands. 'Its all fetch me, bring me, carry me, with 'er these days'. Leanne tells him how she can see how Zoe takes advantage of him, even when it come to seeing to Shannon in the middle of the night. She suggests they should have row - it'd do him good to shout a bit. Then she teases him that Maxine's back, though he already knew.

Mike visits Ken, who is packing some of Dreary's personal things. Surprising considering their near fight the other day. He relates Frankie's news about the wheels of justice turning so slowly that she might be out before an appeal. Ken wonders if they should start a fighting fund, but Mike tells him to tell her that he's 'dealing with it'

Now watch carefully. We're back in the shop, where Maxine comes in for a jar of coffee. Of all the products on the shelves, only 200g Nescafe granules have a shelf sign saying 'Special Offer'. Maxine asks for some instant coffee, and Ashley tells her that 'This one's on Special Offer', then takes a jar of Kenco High Roast from the shelf, some 12 inches from the Special offer sign (in front of the Nescafe). Not discussing the price, or seeing it on the shelf, Maxine gives Ashley a few coins, whereupon he rings in UKP1.50 AND GIVES HER CHANGE!. That jar of coffee would typically be £3.99 - I'll check tonight. Tsk Tsk ITV. I wish the coffee were that cheap in your roadside restaurants and service areas.

They discuss the domestic developments at number 4, and how there is never a dull moment, he compliments her on her tan. It seems that Ashley wants her back, but can't admit it.

Back in Cell Block H (do you know, I've never seen that programme? Not seen 4 Weddings and a funeral either, but I digress), Jackie has gone into moan mode. She hates the first few days. She says it's obvious that Dreary's not been inside before. Dreary repeats the 'I've done nothing, I shouldn't be here etc' bit. Time for an 'Autotext' entry for that I think, like Steve McDonald's 'What I did, I did for you' at the Fiona wedding situation. Jackie knocks this on the head again, she says that one thing that does her head in is 'someone that can't do their bird'.

They are both spared continuation of this thread by the arrival of the BBW, who announces that Dreary has a visitor in Reception, by the name of Barlow. Perhaps he has some news! Maybe she's going home! <Insert Autotext here>. BBW tells her to buckle down and accept it. She's inside because the law says so, and there are women in there who won't take kindly to Dreary making out that she's different.

Gail visits Sally to do her Zelda West-Meads [1] bit. She tells her how Kevin was in the cafe, and how he said how upset he is about losing Sally. Gail believes this is genuine, and that Kevin doesn't know what to do to get her back. She can see how the Nastily affair could have changed things, but 'if you can't make it work, Sal, there's no hope for any of us.'

Dreary and Ken meet in reception. He tells her how the appeal is going forward, and he's sure the conviction will be overturned. He lays it on that all her friends are behind her, they all believe in her.

In the Rover's, Des tells Kevin that he should have listened to him about Studley and Orange Girl. He hopes there's no hard feelings, and suggests he'd do the same for him one day. Kevin says he hope not, and leaves.

Vera has noticed that Des and Orange Girl are not speaking. Vera tells her that he's a nice lad, Sam could do much worse. 'And I'll tell you what I told Natalie - keep yer 'ands off Our Jack'. Oh how they laugh.

Muppets One and Two are discussing their sympathy for Dreary in prison, which then turns to the subject of Fiona when she used to visit Steve in the Big House. Maxine wants to know what's changed now she learns that Fiona's thinking of living with Steve. 'Steve's changed, not me' says Fiona.

Behind the bar Alec is telling Vera how crafty those McDonalds are. He reckons Steve got Big Jim to wreck the Fiona / Alan wedding, then bides his time until he moves back in. She'll be keeping him in a bit.' 'Give over, you've always been prejudiced, you.' 'I should think I have, after what he's done to our Vicky'

Mike and Angie are having a post-work drink in the Rovers. Angie points out that it's the end of the Tax Year next week, and as they've had a good year, she wants everything sorted out in good time for the taxman. Mike, conscious of the £10,000 cheque being discovered too soon, tries to tell her that it hasn't been such a good year, and they've paid themselves well. There won't be much left for the taxman. She should leave it all to him. To close the conversation, he goes to get two more drinks, but Angie is left with a questioning look on her face.

Sally has served something unrecognisable from a casserole pot for Kevin's tea. It might be leftovers from lunch in Cell Block H perhaps? They agree to settle their differences, and go forward together. They hug. Aaaaaah. Sally agrees that that's what she wants, but adds ominously that that might not be all she wants. Kevin agrees to those terms.

Ken sees the clock ticking away, and prepares to leave. He has learned that she can only have a visitor every two weeks, and he thinks Traceyluv will want to come. Dreary won't have this, she doesn't want her daughter to see her in there. She mustn't come to the Prison. She can come when she gets home, after the appeal. Ken has to tell her what he didn't want to say, that the appeal might take months, not weeks. She's got to accept that she's inside for a long time, she's got to find the strength. Cue tears being fought back.

Episode written by John Stevenson

[1] Always quoted in the papers, from 'Relate' [2]
[2]
Despite changing their name years ago, papers always put 'Relate' (formerly the Marriage Guidance Council)

Dewey



Written by CP Turner, Peter Dewhirst, and Ian Harding


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