Episode updates - March 1998

Sunday 1 March

Dear Update Readers,

I came into the office tonight (which is no mean feat, given that I live three miles away) to prepare some exam papers and check my email when what do I find? A letter of sheer desperation from one Ian Harding, the guy to whom this week's Sunday update has been entrusted, who is in something of a blind funk because (a) his video recorded the wrong programme and thus he can't do the update; and (b) he's leaving on holiday in the morning (ten days nude abseiling in Fuengirola) and thus won't be able to record the repeat. In other words, he can't do tonight's update at all and wants to know who can. Well, I'm always ready to give a man a helping hand, especially if he's desperate, and so since I am here anyway, I'll do it. But please bear in mind that (a) I shall be writing the update from memory and thus apologise in advance for anything I miss; and (b) mine will be considerable shorter than Ian's would have been. And, Ian dearest, you owe me one, okay? And I reserve the right to determine exactly how you are to pay me back. (Don't worry, Ian mate, it's not *really* like having a bowel operation without anaesthetic - that's just a rumour).

Anyway, down to business...

The Update: Sunday, March 1st

The mills are all shut, there's a recession on and times are hard. What do Jim 'So It Is' McDonald and his 'mucker', Gary Mallett, do at times like this? Well they're too young (just) to draw a pension and they're too old (just) to sell their bodies, so they have little choice but to sit and moan. And that's what they're doing at the outset of this episode: sitting in the van and bemoaning their fate. Gary is so hard-up that he can't even afford a bag of crisps, and so stupid that he refuses Jim's offer of a pint in which to drown their sorrows. "Don't worry," Jim says, "Something will come up, so it will." (I don't actually remember whether he said 'so it will', but it sure feels as though he did.)

Back at the cafe, Hayley is waiting for Roy to respond to her little revelation. To say that Roy is gobsmacked would be an understatement. He looks winded, punch-drunk, as though he has taken an invisible blow to the solar plexus. He simply has no point of reference to which he can have recourse, no emotional machinery with which he can process this new information. His expression is now shocked, now haunted, now bewildered, now dismayed. The truth has not registered, and nor does Roy want it to. Someone once told me: There's nothing wrong with castles in the air; it's when you try to live in them that the trouble starts. Well Roy has the look of a man who is watching his castles disintegrate, one by one.

At Shagworld, Chris has the happy and contented look of the cat who has just lapped up the cream. He can't believe his luck: he'd only called round for a couple of minutes for his books and now, an hour or two - and several helpings of chopped liver sundae - later, he's still here. And seated before him is the reason why: Samantha 'The Future is Orange' Failsworth, once frostier than the Russian steppes but now fast turning into CS's very own mobile sperm bank. Bathed in a soft, post-coital glow that precludes any need for lamps or candles, Sam tells the about-to-depart Chris that they must "do it again sometime".

Back at the cafe, an incredulous Roy is still wrestling with Hayley's revelation. Life for him is simple, he says: he likes trains and stamps and he has his cafe, and that is all he knows. Hayley endeavours with great subtlety to let him into her world by telling him about her childhood, about the horror of being a woman trapped inside a man's body, about the taunts and the insults and the rejection and the depression. Under normal circumstances, these are things which would spark off empathy in Roy, who is obviously no stranger to the heartache of isolation and alienation, but he can't digest it. He can't digest it because he is in too deep; his heart is too caught up and he cannot stand back and judge objectively. And so he stutters and flusters and blethers and babbles, all the time wishing that it wasn't happening.

At Fiona's, Pam returns and offers to look after Morgan while Fiona has a break. Fiona lies through her teeth and tells her that she has a perfectly happy life and that the only thing she wants is for Pam to be gone. Pam tells her that she is just a phone-call away, for "That's what being a mother is, as you yourself will find out." (My mother would have said, "Well suit yourself, you stubborn little gobshite", as she has said to me on numerous occasions. (Actually, Fiona's getting off lightly where her mother is concerned. I dread to think what my mother would have done had I produced a sprog 'out of wedlock' and called it Morgan. "How am I going to hold me head up at Mass," she would have said, "knowing that everyone knows I've got a grandson called Morgan?")

Back at the cafe, Roy is nearing mental and emotional meltdown. Hayley simply wants to know whether Roy will go on being her friend, but all Roy wants to be is alone, and he asks Hayley to leave. Two worlds silently implode as Hayley takes her coat and makes for the door, leaving a dazed and confused Roy alone in the darkened cafe.

Chez Baldwin, the phone rings. It's she-of-the-throbbing-tendon, Deirdre Rachid. She's phoning to tell Mike that the court case is due to start in two weeks' time and that she is ready to return to Weatherfield. However, she has nowhere to go: she has obviously burnt all her bridges with Ken, and La Mouton is away somewhere. Mike jumps in straight away and offers her his and Alma's spare room. Alma has no choice but to acquiesce, although it's clear that she's not over the moon about her husband's ex-bit of totty shacking up with them for a fortnight. Alma tries to make a few excuses but they are too feeble to be taken seriously and so Mike gets his own way: Deirdre will be staying with them. Alma makes a mental note not to buy any root vegetables for the next two weeks.

The next morning, Gail realises that all is not well with Roy, but she is unable to wheedle an explanation out of him.

At Firman's Freezers, Spider and Toyah arrive to ask Curly whether he has complied with their demands that he remove all of the Norwegian prawns. A smug and self-satisfied Curly replies that he has no intention of complying with them; what is more, he has ordered extra supplies of beef, pork, lamb, pate and venison - in short, all of the things likely to raise the hackles of Spider and the rest of the inhabitants of the planet Vega.

At the Rovers, Betty is about to serve Chris when Samantha almost breaks her neck rushing to serve him first. A few feet away, Mike Baldwin is telling Ken Barlow about Deirdre's impending return. "And she's coming to say with us," he says gleefully, "because you didn't want anything to do with her. How long were you married to her? Ten years? And you refuse to support her during her court case." Mike ends his impression of a Relate counsellor by giving one of his legendary "I-am-considerably-better-than-YOW" sneers, while Ken repairs to another part of the pub to mull over life in general and to deliberate upon his sad life and all those wasted opportunities. (But he's still not boring, allegedly).

At the cafe, Roy is alone. (Well actually, Steve McDonald and his old girlfriend Rachel are seated at the window table). As I said, at the cafe, Roy is alone. Rachel wants to know why Steve went round to Fiona's; Steve replies that he and Fiona are just good friends. Roy is just staring ahead, into space, and Rachel flatters herself beyond measure by thinking that Roy is staring at her.

Back at the pub, Jim is doing him impression of 'Larry the Leper': first he is rejected by Steve and Rachel, who have teleported from the cafe to the pub at the speed of shite, and then by Judy, who still thinks that Gary should do the dirty on Jim and accept Steve's offer of work. Gary, loyal to a fault, says that he will never give up on his mucker.

Chris "I-have-not-spilled-onion-sauce-on-my-trousers-and-yes-I-am-very-pleased-to-see-you" Collins arrives at the Rovers to suggest to Sam that they go play hide the salami again once she finishes work. Does Samantha accept his offer? Is the Pope Catholic? Does Kevin Webster spend all his spare time in the Oxford Road cottage? Talk about enthusiastic: you can almost hear her moistening up. Anyway, she is flirting with Chris when.....Des walks in. He had gone to Bangor, obviously couldn't, and is now back in Wetherfield again. Poor Des! When the cat's away, the pussy is having fun. Sorry mate, that's how it goes. And that's how it went, until Monday night.

Regards, and sorry it was a bit impromptu...

(Ian Harding: you have a lot to answer for.....)

Love, CP

Monday 2 March

OK, OK, I know I said never again, but Ian is on holiday. He appealed to me - and I did owe him one from a few weeks ago ...... so here it is - positively definitely my very last update.

Mike's Flat: Alma tidies the flat as Mike sits in the armchair reading the paper. He eventually realises that she is tidying up for Deirdre. Mike says he doesn't understand why Alma is bothering - since she didn't even want Deirdre to stay. Alma just flashes her eyes at him in a hard stare.

Des's House: Sam insists on a lingering goodbye kiss. Des remarks on how attentive she has been all weekend, and Sam at least has the good grace to blush and look away. Des is off to Newcastle, and asks her to go with him, but Sam says she has to work Natalie's shift at the pub. Sam reassures Des that she loves him. He mistakes the sadness in her face for missing him.

Street: Steve stops Fiona after her third trip around the block. She says it is the only way to keep Morgan quiet. Steve realises that Fiona is fed up and suggests she go out, he offers to find a baby-sitter. Fiona thinks he means himself and replies that he is not a suitable baby-sitter - mainly because he isn't female. Gary escapes from his house but Judy follows him to the door since she was in mid-nag. Gary must not forget to buy the washing powder. Judy sees Steve across the road, and tells Gary he has to ask for the job, even if it means crawling. Over the road, Fiona and Steve agree on the time she can go out. Gary comes over, and Steve says he is happy to take him on. Fiona also accepts Steve's offer, and Steve modestly shrugs 'Just call me Mr Fixit.'

Mike's Flat: Mike and Dreary arrive with her stuff. She thanks him for his support, but worries what Alma must think of her. Mike assures Dreary that Alma insisted she stay and treat the place like home.

Firmans: Alma finds a sympathetic ear in Hayley as she moans about her new house guest. There is a nice little bit about people seeing you before your makeup is on and your hair done, and whether that is the real you, which Alma disagrees with. She says the real her is the made up dressed up hair done version. Hayley certainly seems to empathise with this. Alma hates the thought of sharing her home with another woman, even one in a crisis. 'Why should I automatically bond with her just cos she wears a bra?' Curly interrupts to find out why Hayley has taken so long. Hayley skilfully diverts the conversation to prawns. Then an awful moaning noise emanates from the front entrance. They rush to the front of the store, and Alma realises it is whale music, being played through Toyah's ghetto blaster. The protesters are there, carrying banners reading No to Norway Prawns and Boycott Firmans. Curly rushes off to get his metaphorical harpoon. Or at least phone the police, who turn out to be unable to do anything unless the protesters actually commit an offence. Hayley complains about the noise. Curly stabs randomly at the buttons on the phone and is connected to Environmental Health.

Roys Rolls: Steve persuades Rachel to accompany him to Fiona's that evening to baby-sit. Gail gently tries to talk to the gloomy Roy, assuring him he will find someone some day. Perhaps even the next person to walk in. Which turns out to be Betty Williams. Roy spreads the margarine onto the bread with such feeling. Gail bangs on about women not being interested in looks or money. Roy's spreading gets faster and more agitated as Gail says he has a lot to offer. Roy quietly says 'And you, are incredibly patronising, Gail' and goes back to his work.

Break

Firmans: The whale music continues and Toyah, Emily and Spider march around on the pavement. Toyah wants to stop as she has rubbed a blister, but Spider says they must keep going so as not to be an obstruction. Toyah decides she has had enough of being ignored and marches into the shop. Curly forcibly ejects her, ignoring her protests that she wanted some shopping. Curly loses his temper and shouts at them. Spider suddenly gathers up the banners and the ghetto blaster and storms off.

Mike's Flat: Alma arrives home from work to find that Deirdre has taken over her kitchen and cooked a meal for them all. Mike's favourite, no less. Deirdre apologises again to Alma for imposing on them, but Mike cuts her short, insisting she must regard it as her home. What can Alma do but agree?

Roys Rolls: Emily and Spider arrive for a cup of tea. Roy apologises to Gail for his manner, explaining that she doesn't know all the facts, and it is private. Toyah proudly shows Spider her next tactic. A ransom note made with the letters cut out of newspaper print. It reads ONE BAG INJECTED WITH MERCURY REMOVE ALL PRAWNS FROM SALE OR ELSE Toyah eagerly awaits Spiders verdict. He wearily explains that their principles are peaceful protest, not bully boy tactics - even though it is meant to be a hoax. On the bottom, she has signed it with her name for the group - PRAWN LIBERATION ORGANISATION and Spider and Emily laugh at PLO, as someone got there first.

Rovers: Chris holds court over a gaggle of giggling women hanging on his every word. None more so that Sally, who is sitting next to him. Judy implores Gary not to feels guilty, but be pleased about the job and think of the money. Kevin scowls as he watches Sally and Chris from his place at the bar with the lads. Gary buys Jim a drink and tells him that he will be working for Steve. Jim accepts that they need the money. Steve is surprised that Rachel accepted so willingly going to Fiona's, and Rachel says it is acting grown up; they know where they stand: Fiona has the baby; Rachel has Steve. Kevin grumpily goes off to get his kids from Martins as Sally makes a big show of giggling with Chris.

Mike's Flat: Alma thanks Deirdre for the meal as Mike answers the door to Ken. Deirdre is not pleased to see him, but tells him the police haven't got Jon yet, which makes her appear guilty. Ken asks her to move back into No 1 and Mike takes great delight when Deirdre tells Ken to stick his house. Alma looks less happy at the news that Deirdre intends to stay with them.

Fiona's Flat: Fiona is surprised when Steve presents Rachel as the experienced reliable baby-sitter, but get ready anyway to go to Maxine's. Rachel cuddles the baby as Fiona issues instructions. Steve shuts her up and sends her out. (Fiona is already abbreviating the silly name to an even sillier short version - Morg. I ask you!?) After she has gone, Rachel has a go at Steve for not warning Fiona that it was she who was baby-sitting.

Rovers: Roy settles down with an orange juice and a book (I'm sorry but I just couldn't make out what book it was) Sam is upset to emerge from the back or the cellar or wherever it was and find Chris has left. She tells Betty she has a headache and needs a walk round in the fresh air. Hayley approaches Roy and he gets up to leave. She pleads that they must talk. Roy hurriedly puts on his coat, saying as he goes 'Please Hayley - or whatever your name is - leave me alone!' Hayley looks crestfallen and sits down. Gail comes over and has a go at her for not breaking it to him gently. Hayley looks worried, then realises Gail doesn't know what she is talking about. Hayley says that some things are not easy to hear - however gently they are broken. Gail is unconvinced.

Street: Chris opens the door to Sam. She flirts a bit, by accusing him of making her jealous by flirting with the girls from the factory. He denies being a flirt.

Kevin's House: Sally picks a fight with Kevin because she was talking to Chris and he was with his mates. Kevin is upset that everyone knew what went on, and Sally shouldn't be with Chris. Sally naively says that Kevin must accept her friends as she accepts his. And anyway, Sally says, Kevin should think himself lucky that he goes home with Sally while Chris is alone.

Street: Chris, however, is far from alone as he is kissing Sam. Though he doesn't want her to go in, saying he wanted a night on his own. Sam apologises and sheepishly makes her way back in the direction of the pub. Credits.

Episode written by Jan McVerry

And that, as Nigel would say, is yer lot! Helen xxx

Wednesday 4 March

Dear Update Readers, Before I tell you all about Wednesday's episode, let me just clarify one small point. Someone emailed me from New Zealand to complain about my 'attacks' on Glenda Young. Well let me put your minds at rest. My 'attacks' on Ms Young are launched very much in a tongue-in-cheek vein, and I have no intention of offending or upsetting her. Heaven forfend! Actually, Glenda and I go back a long way. As you've probably gathered, we work for the same academic institution and, in our capacity as employees, our paths do often cross.

However, I knew Glenda Young long before I came to work at the University. I first met her several years ago in hospital: I was visiting a friend in the detox unit, and Glenda just happened to be 'drying out' in the next bed. We've been friends on and off ever since. I gave her moral support during all three of her court cases, and she has been there for me whenever I've felt low. (Whenever I feel low, I always take comfort from the thought that there is always someone worse off than me - and that someone is, invariably, Glenda Young.)

But all roads lead to Rome, as they say, and my life is connected to Glenda's in quite a few ways. Apart from working at the same place and sharing a love for CS, we are both Virgos (Glenda's birthday is August 23rd 1942 and mine is August 31st 1962); we both love California; we both enjoy Guinness; and we have a mutual friend called Ruth, who is possibly the most humourous woman on the planet. (Ruth has known Glenda longer than I have; Ruth actually knew her before the operation, when Glenda was still *Glen* Young). In addition, I recently discovered that I live only two doors away from Glenda's probation officer. Small world, isn't it? So please, 'Concerned of Wellington', be concerned no more!

And now, down to business....

UPDATE FOR WEDNESDAY MARCH 4TH

The episode opens at the Baldwins, where Alma is waiting impatiently to be driven to work while Mike gives Deirdre a pep-talk on her imminent first meeting with her barrister. Mike's telling Deirdre that *she* should call all the shots, which, given her track record, is possibly the worst advice he could give her: putting Deirdre in charge of anything would be like asking Herod to run the local creche. Mike tells her that she doesn't have to accept the barrister's counsel, for "the good thing about advice is that you don't have to take it." "Presumably," says Alma, "that includes your advice too?" Deirdre just sits there in her dressing gown, glummer than glum, all hope fading fast. If anyone had a case of the 'reverse Midas syndrome' - i.e. everything you touch turns to shit - then it is Deirdre. Leaving her with the cheerful thought that prison is indeed an option, Mike and Alma depart.

In the Street, Toyah is asking Spider whether he'll be protesting outside Firman's again today, because when she's finished at the cafe, she'd like to join him. Spider says that he'll go on protesting as long as it takes. Cue the appearance of Curly, whom Spider addresses as 'Captain Ahab'. Curly tries to suck up to them by saying that he is really on their side, and that as the manager of a small supermarket he is only doing what his bosses dictate. This elicits from Spider an allusion to the time-honoured excuse of countless Nazi collaborators: Ve vere only following ze orders!

Meanwhile, Fiona is getting Morgan ready for his first trip to the baby clinic. Predictably, Steve is there, ingratiating himself and intimating at an imminent split with Rachel "You-too-can-have-a-lobotomy-like-mine" Forbes. Fiona pre-empts him by saying that there is only one man in her life, and that is Morgan. This doesn't stop her from using Steve as a dogsbody, however, for she gets him to hump Morgan's carry-cot downstairs.

At Shagworld, Des is quizzing Tango Girl on her plans for that evening. Samantha has nothing planned as such, which pleases Des because he is planning a "lad's night in" watching the soccer on the box. "You wouldn't want to spend an evening with a load of lads," says Des in so many words. ["Not unless they all form an orderly queue," you could almost hear Samantha thinking]. Samantha feigns dismay and hints that she might spend the evening with Natalie. [Which I imagine would be a bit like sitting through the Nuremberg trials, only without the humour]. As he leaves, Des gives her a cheesy smile and Sam reciprocates; only once he has gone, her smile turns to a devious grimace as thoughts of neighbourly salami fill her head.

At Firman's, Curly is still trying to appease Spider. "I'm not your enemy," he says. "I do my bit for Greenpeace; I vote Labour; and I put bread out for the birds and little bowls of water so that they can have a drink." None of this impresses Spider, however, and he pumps up the volume of the whale music by several notches.

Inside the store, Hayley is trying to explain her contretemps with Roy to Alma, but Alma doesn't want to know. "What you do with your life is your business," Alma protests. Hayley clearly feels that since Alma was instrumental in bringing her and Roy together, it is only fair that she be told why they are now apart. They are interrupted at this point by a bewildered Curly, who is deep in doubt and threatening to do a Paul on the road to the Damascus. "What if Spider is right?" he moans. He says that maybe it is indeed wrong to sell prawns, all in the name of capitalism. Curly voices his regrets at having made so many enemies over this issue, to which Alma replies: "You just want to be loved!" And Hayley, her voice serrated with regret, chips in with a poignant "Don't we all." Curly finally concedes that Spider is right and duly orders Hayley and Alma to take all the prawns off the shelves and put them in a back room.

At the cafe, Roy is depression personified. A well-meaning Gail tries to chivvy him up a bit, but Roy is having none of it. How irritating it is, he says, when someone who knows nothing about the nature of your problem tries to jolly you out of it. Gail apologises, but says that Roy should phone Hayley anyway and sort things out. "I don't want to phone her," comes the reply, "and I don't want to see her ever again." [This could only happen to Roy. Just as he is about to embark on a relationship with the first woman he hasn't had to inflate, she turns out to be a s/he. Poor Roy: go to the corner shop, buy a pound of carrots and take them round to the Baldwins: Deirdre will understand!]. At this point, Aunty Em arrives for a bite to eat, but first checks to see whether Gail serves prawn sandwiches or whale casserole. "Since Geoffrey (Spider) has been living with me, it's become second nature to check these things!" she beams. "I'm turning into a real eco-warrior!"

Back at Firman's, our other eco-warrior, Spider, is shocked to learn that Curly has capitulated. Curly tells him that all the prawns have been removed and thus the whale noises have to stop. Spider turns off the tape, but warns Curly that it can just as easily be turned back on.

It's lunchtime at the Rovers and Big Red is propping up the bar for her pre-prandial vodka. Enter Deirdre, who has obviously come in for something to settle her nerves before the barrister's meeting. Big Red welcomes her warmly and asks her what she's having to drink. "A red wine", says Deirdre - which is strange, because red wine in CS usually signals sub-duvet activity. [Unless, of course, it is a coded message alluding to the fact that Deirdre is about to be shafted by her barrister, metaphorically speaking of course.] Big Red - along with everyone who posts to RATUCS - wants to know why Jon hasn't been collared for all the same charges as Deirdre, especially since it was his name on the mortgage. "That's one way of looking at it," says Deirdre, tendons at the ready, "but I wonder whether the barrister will see it that way."

Cue the barrister's office, with Deirdre and Frankie Stillman in attendance. The barrister is something of a pompous old fart who has clearly not read the case notes and keeps forgetting Deirdre's surname. Not exactly the kind of legal advisor to inspire confidence, but Deirdre is desperate and eager to comply. Drained of all emotion, she starts to tell the barrister her tale of woe.

Thankfully, at this point we cut back to Firman's, where Curly is on the phone to Eric. Eric, it seems, is not best pleased with Curly's unilateral decision to jettison the prawns, and orders him to put them back on the shelves. An exasperated Curly cannot but bow to his boss's wishes, and hurries to tell Alma and Hayley of the new diktat. And he arrives just in time to save Alma from embarrassment, for Hayley, frustrated by Alma's refusal to listen to her story, has been threatening to broadcast it from the rooftops. "If you don't listen to me, I'll stand here and shout it out, and you'll be embarrassed because it's all about sex!" Alma gives in and agrees to meet Hayley later that evening in the Rovers. Curly, for his part, likens the whole episode of the prawns to the tale of the Grand Old Duke Of York, who had to march his troops up the hill and then down again. [I've always admired the Grand Old Duke Of York: anyone who can have 'ten thousand men' and still be able to walk, let alone march, gets my vote].

By this time, Deirdre has finished her story and the barrister looks as though he has lost the will to live. Everything hinges, he says, on the five thousand pounds that Deirdre claims to have lent John: if she can prove that she gave him the money, then the jury will understand. Naturally, Deirdre cannot prove a thing.

At Shagworld, Des has rounded up some of his mates (Curly, Martin and Kevin) for a "boys night in" - drinking lager, watching soccer and generally 'bonding'. They are all sprawled out and relaxed, happy at the prospect of a good game. [Kevin looks particularly pleased to be there, for thanks to a rather infelicitous camera angle, he appears to be sporting what looks very suspiciously like a woody.] Des tells Martin to call on Chris and ask him whether he wants to come. [Too late, Martin, he probably already has]. Martin returns with the news that Chris is 'otherwise engaged', and naturally they all conclude that Studley is sinking the beef torpedo into some poor yet willing target. "Good luck to him," says Des, unaware that the target in question is his own chaste and faithful Samantha. Poor poor Desmond, enamoured as he is of a loose loose woman. [And loose in more ways than one, because for Des, sex with Sam will soon be like throwing a banana up the High Street].

At the Baldwins, Deirdre is sitting at the dining table, contemplating a pile of paracetamol capsules. [Cue 18,000,000 voices, in unison: "Swallow! Swallow!]. But in the nick of time, Mike arrives. "What are you doing with those tablets?" he says, a look of genuine alarm on his face. "Oh, I had a headache," says Deirdre. "Have you taken any of them?" Mike enquires. "No. Why, did you think I might want to kill myself?" says Deirdre. She offers him the jar and tells him to take them. [Which I thought rather unkind; when you have just been saved from suicide, it's not the done thing to suggest that your saviour top himself - but I know what she meant: she wasn't thinking straight, poor poppet]. There then flows forth a huge and steaming torrent of self-pity from the bespectacled one. "How could I have been so stupid? No-one will believe me. I just hate being me! I'm the most stupid person on the planet. I should be put in prison, just for my own protection. I should be locked up forever." Mike attempts sympathy, and to a certain extent succeeds, which must be a first for him.

While this little psychodrama is unfolding, at the Rovers, another tale is being told. Hayley slowly and gingerly reveals her secret to Alma, who is quietly stunned and can't quite believe that this sweet young female sitting opposite her was once called Harry. "Were you a man in...every sense?" asks Alma, falteringly. "Yes, every sense," says Hayley. And she goes on to explain about her unhappy childhood, spent as a female trapped in a male body. "Of course, Roy was horrified," says Hayley. "Are you?" For a second, Alma is unsure whether she is horrified or not - but then says that she is not at all horrified, and that she is only too pleased that Hayley has told her. Alma's closing line: "This isn't turning out at all like I expected!"

But Alma has one more surprise, for when she goes home, she learns from Mike that Deirdre has been playing about with pills. Mike says that Deirdre is deeply depressed about the whole business, and is terrified that she will end up in prison. "Will she?" asks Alma in a tiny voice. But Mike has no idea; even he is starting to have his doubts.

That's all, folks. I don't have time for an "As I See It" this week because I've got this ongoing problem with my mother. She's only been hooked up to the internet for three weeks and she's already landed herself in a load of trouble with various newsgroups; I've had five emails from her - and two about her - while I've been typing this update out, so I have to get back to her and sort her out before she closes her server down indefinitely. Mothers! Who'd have 'em? Anyway, I promise an "As I See It" next time.

Until then, love, CP

Friday 6 March

Des has his head buried under the car bonnet, it (allegedly won't start). Just then Chris arrives, and Des asks him to have a look. Perhaps it was all a pretext for Des to ask if he had a good night, and that "When Martin said you had a bird in there you should have seen Kevin,s face!"

Alma is polishing the dining table, Dreary comes down to ask about Mike. Dreary needs to know she knows about the bottle of pills. "Enough", says Alma. Dreary can,t decide whether she had really contemplated suicide, and apologises to Alma who calls the whole idea selfish. Dreary is lower than low, and can see herself being gaoled, she says that if she ever sees Jon Lindsay again it would be murder she would go down for. Alma wants to be assured that she can go to work and not be worrying about Dreary trying to gas herself in the oven - because the oven needs cleaning. Dreary tells her to get off to work, and that she might even clean it herself.

Steve catches Fiona when she's putting the advertising boards out. He offers to babysit any time again, but Fiona isn't happy because Rachel would be involved. Steve questions whether the situation would be any different if he weren't going out with Rachel.

We,re back at the garage, where Chris is presenting Des with a verbal bill for getting the car going - an hour's labour and a callout charge. Des questions the callout charge for walking down the street, so they settle on a beer instead. Sam comes over and Des asks her to get Chris a pint next time she serves him. While Des cuddles Sam, and Chris walks away, Des tells Sam that Chris comes across as a likeable lad, but he reckons there's a lot we don't know about him. He tells her that Chris had "someone in there last night, and I wouldn,t put it past him for it to have been Sally". Sam looks coy as Des leaves.

In the Kabin, Rita is stacking cigarettes like a two year old stacks plastic bricks. Alma comes in, and stumbles. She blames this on preoccupation with worry, and tells Rita about Dreary and the pills. Alma needs to go to work, but at the same time feels she needs to be at home keeping an eye on Dreary and the knife drawer. She's just popped round, and Dreary has gone shopping. Rita agrees to call round later with some magazines, but not to mention that it's a mission for Alma.

Toyota and her sullen chums have descended on Firman's Freezers. As she is handling a re-stocked bag of Norwegian prawns, Curly sees them and walks over. "Ere Curly". "Mr Watts to you". "Scandinavia, that's near Norway innit?" Curly comments on the intellectualism in the eco-warriors, but Toyah tells him that school has "atlases, maps n' that, I'll find out". She puts the prawns back in the freezer, and the school party leaves.

Alma is putting change into her till. Hayley comes over. She thinks Alma is avoiding her since her explanation about her past. Alma assures her that's not the case, and Hayley asks her to speak to Roy, because he respects Alma, he'll listen to her. Alma, a bit out of character, retorts "What is it with me? Have I got a big sign over my head saying Dump Your Troubles Here?". Hayley makes to go, but Alma calls her back and suggests that the only person who can talk to Roy is Hayley.

Kevin, Sally, Des are at the bar, served by Sam. Sally asks Sam if she minded giving over the house to the footballers. Sam explains that she didn't stay in. Des suggests the four of them go out for an Italian meal to make it up to the girls. Kevin hurriedly protests that they might not get a babysitter, but Sally asks Chris, who's at the end of the bar. Sam isn't too keen either. Chris is happy to babysit, but of course Kevin has to find fault again, and suggests they're overlooking Rita in the babysitting stakes

In this next scene there is proof that the catering course that Vera went on has paid dividends! The menu (even though Vera seems to be away) is not confined to Betty's Hotpot or Betty's Hotpot. Betty brings Steve McDonald a plate of Meat Pie AND CHIPS. Are these the first chips seen to emanate from the Rovers, kitchen? Whatever, he is soon joined by Rachel, who steals a chip. It is apparent that Steve has decided to finish with Rachel because he tells her he can't go out for a meal with her tonight because he's promised to babysit again. Rachel points out that he had promised to go out with her, and he can't have it both ways. She kisses him and leaves.

Sally reports back that Rita can't babysit so she'll ask Chris again. Kevin tries to resist, saying that the girls will get confused if Chris is back on the scene. Sally puts Kevin straight - there's only him seeing anything in it, and she's not going to let his paranoia stop them having a good night out.

Steve goes back to Fiona's, and reminds her that there's now no barrier to his babysitting, he's finished with Rachel. Further, there's no barrier to them getting back together - "I love you, you love me, that's it" Fiona tells him that she can't let him ruin her life again. As he leaves, he tells her that "I'll never tell you I love you, again"

END OF PART ONE

Toyota has been looking for Spider, and finds him and Auntie Em in the Rovers. She's only able to pass on her news that Curly has double crossed them, before Betty Williams chucks her out for being underage. Spider and Emily follow.

Pam has arrived at Fiona's because she "sounded awful on the phone". She senses that Fiona,s been crying about something, and Fiona admits it's Steve. This horrifies Pam, and Fiona tells her about Steve's visit and his undying love that got extinguished.

Outside Firman's Freezers, our eco-warriors are demonstrating about the Norwegian Government and Whaling (this is getting a bit tedious n'est ce pas?), and Curly comes out to explain that the prawns went back on sale because it's company policy. "It's very easy to have principles when you have no responsibility" Curly tells Spider. Curly has called the Police, who arrives single-handedly to learn from Emily that it is a symbolic protest, the Norwegian prawns signifying the Norwegian Government,s stand on Whaling. PC Plod suggests that rather than do it in the street, "Why not go to Old Trafford and protest about them importing Norwegian Footballers?". Spider retorts "Ha! Tried getting into that ground lately?" "Aye, tickets like gold dust". Suddenly Plod has become sympathetic to Spider, and though he still tries to move them on, he readily agrees to let them continue their protest, but silently, and not right outside the store.

Sadly, this compromise is ruined by Toyota, who arrives with her rent-a-mob schoolfriends, Curly beams as PC Plod tells them the protest is over.

Pam tells Fiona that her Dad would go mad if she told him about Steve - especially when Fiona admits that she wants him back, nobody has ever made her feel the way that Steve does. Pam tries to tell her that she can't turn the clock back, she's just remembering the good bits, and forbids her from taking him back. Fiona realises that she let him go, that afternoon, and she doesn't think he'll come back.

In Firman's Freezers, Leanne makes her only appearance of the episode. Toyota has enlisted her help. Whilst Leanne creates a scene by accidentally on purpose getting run down by a trolley being pushed by Hayley, Toyota is pouring antifreeze all over the bagged frozen prawns.

In the Rovers, Sam tells Chris that Des thinks Chris is seeing Sally, and she's worried that she's going to be talking in her sleep about Chris. Chris was sure that Des knew about him and Sam, but now, perhaps he doesn't. He promises there'll be other nights for them.

Curly buys Alma a G&T, and tries to buy drinks for Emily and Spider, but they won't be bought. Then he gets into conversation with Steve McDonald, and tries to give him advice on his love-life having lost Rachel and not won Fiona. Steve, getting drunk by now, reminds Curly that as his wife ran off to Kuala Lumpur to massage businessmen, Curly is possibly not best qualified to give marriage guidance.

Mike arrives, and asks Alma if Dreary really is fit to leave on her own. "She's not on her own, Rita's there". "Oh, the suicide watch" grins Baldwin, then breaks the news that he's got to go back to work.

At the suicide watch, Rita is explaining that Alma only encouraged her to visit because she thought Dreary would want to see a friendly face. Dreary has a theory that Alma would rather she wasn't there. "Whatever gives you that idea?" "Oh, just paranoia". "Listen laydeh, as long as you've got friends like Mike & Alma, you'll get through this, and don't you forget it."

As Rita leaves, Dreary notices that she has left her chiffon scarf behind, so she takes, it hoping she'll catch Rita. As she approaches the door, there is a ring at the bell. Obviously Rita has remembered, and come back for it. As Dreary opens the door to see the caller, a familiar fake pilot's voice says "Hello Dierdre". We see Jon, we see her face drop.

Then the Anglia TC voiceover announced "Next a new series, Airline,, following passengers and staff at a busy airport". I didn't watch it...

Episode written by David Lane

Dewey

Sunday 8 March

It's still Friday night down Coronation Street, and Dreary has just opened the door to Jon Lindsey. He thought she'd be somewhere round Coronation Street, and he has to speak to her. "No, you talk to the Police, right now!" demands Dreary. She picks up the cordless phone, though he catches her arm to stop her using it - "Don't touch me!!!" He says he's come to help her, but she tells him that the only way he can help her is by helping the Police.

Jon can't understand this, and feigns surprise when she tells him that "thanks to you I've been arrested, for your frauds". He had no idea etc, he needs to explain. Oh-oh, the same old lying Jon.

Both the Mothers Middleton are discussing the loss of Steve. Fiona is adamant that she's lost Steve for ever. Pam is sure that he'd back like a shot if Fiona were daft enough to let him.

Jon is convincing Dreary that he never thought for one minute that the blame would fall on her, and that he didn't do a disappearing act but took Linda off to Ireland to 'calm her down'. The neck muscles go into overdrive as Dreary rounds on him - "you fraud, you lied to me about your whole life, every single thing". Jon tells her that the lies were necessary, just to "have a life", because of Linda. He explains that he created a life for himself and Dreary because the life with Linda was unliveable. Dreary tries to remind him that he knowingly committed those crimes and made her live in a fantasy world of lies and deceit, with the result that she now has hit rock bottom and has a prison sentence hanging over her, because of him.

The smooth talking charmer tells her it won't come to that, and they should act immediately to start a new life together, somewhere abroad, leave it all behind.

Chris arrives to baby-sit for Sally & Kevin. Kevin is getting more paranoid - "Why do you put on that soft voice when you talk to Chris?" - "Don't start, Kevin." Des and Sam arrive, as they leave Chris to baby-sit, Kevin is the last out and sees Chris looking knowingly into Sam's eyes.

Mr Tie 'n' Lie is on the phone, collecting flight details to Venezuela. Dreary explains she hasn't got a passport, but Jon won't let that stop them, he'll see that she gets another in time (!)

Spider joins Curly at the bar, and Betty Williams wants to know all about the peaceful protest. Curly says it's all over, but Spider states that it's only the end of round one, the next stage is mass puking. Eurggggghh. Spider tries to buy Curly's drink, but he naturally refuses.

Martin and Gail, in a booth, are joined by Alma. Gail presses for information about Hayley and Roy, and Alma has to demonstrate ignorance of the truth. Fiona comes in to buy a bottle of white wine, but Curly launches into her, for apparently deciding that men are waste of space. He tells her that Steve thinks there's no point to his life anymore, everything he does is wrong, so there's no point in trying. And she shouldn't expect him to come crawling back just to get another kick in the teeth. Fiona wonders.

Dreary seems to be playing for time, wants more detail of what she's getting herself into. She pours him a drink, and asks whether she can trust him after all those lies. "Surely, when I found out you were a pilot surely then you could have told me the truth about Linda and the kids?" (Yes, she really did say 'you were a pilot' when she actually found out that he wasn't) " I mean why go from lie to lie until you're breaking the law?"

Jon, ever the smooth talker admits "Yes, you're right, I didn't know how to stop. I just so wanted the life I should have had, with you, but, I'll have all our future to prove myself to you. Why don't you let me? Say you'll leave with me, now". Dreary is taken in by this, and realises that "I've already lost what life I had here", and asks him to get her cases from under the bed, and empty the drawers into them. "New life, new clothes" she says, Jon replies "You won't regret this, I promise you".

When Jon is in the bedroom, she dials 999 and asks for assistance urgently at Number 4, Montreal House, Weatherfield Quays, unfortunately Jon comes back into the room and finds her on the phone. "Who are you calling?"

END OF PART ONE

Dreary tries to convince Jon that she was calling her Mother, "To tell her that I love her", Jon, seeing her squirm but playing along, reminds her that they're not disappearing off the face of the Earth, she'll still be able to phone whoever she wants. He tries to hurry her along, she goes off to sort her case.

In the Rovers, Steve is boring Gary, and the viewers, about his non-relationship with Fiona. He thinks she just wants him as a baby-sitter, and wants to stay on her own.

Alma is moaning to Betty about Mike keeping her waiting for a lift home, seeing as he will be wanting to get back to see that Dreary's OK. Mike soon arrives, but Alma makes him buy her another drink and go home when she's ready.

Dreary's ready to go, but thinks she ought to leave a note for Mike & Alma. Jon wants to get off, she wants to play for time, so she wants another drink. He apologises for giving her "a hellish time", but tells her he did it so that they could be together and "my other life would fade away".

Roy enters The Rovers, and orders a small whisky. Gail, still trying to get into his mind, offers to buy it. "It's all right Gail, you don't have to try and be nice to me". She tells him he can't carry on being miserable, but he will only say that "I'll put on a better mask". Very enigmatic, our Roy.

Sam, Des, Kevin and Sally arrive, and Des buys a round. Sally refuses a drink, saying it's time she went to check on Chris and the girls. Mr Jealous turns down the offer of a pint and goes with her. Of course Sam is looking sick because she can't be with Chris.

Gail decides it's time to engineer a meeting between Hayley and Roy. He is sitting alone, dejected. Gail describes him as "at least when he was with Hayley he was nearly a decent human being". Martin cautions her against interfering.

Jon pours Dreary another drink and asks if she's feeling brave enough to leave this life. "Let's drink to the end of Jon and Dreary". She misunderstands, but he explains that he knows she's just waiting for the arrival of the Police, because he had pressed 'Redial' when she was out of the room. He comments on the tardiness of their arrival.

At last there is a knock at the door, and Dreary admits a Policeman and a WPC. "There he is! Arrest him!" cries a nearly hysterical Dreary. Jon, doing his impression of a cucumber, tells the Police that they may as well take him down the Station, and he'll explain everything on the way. Jon tells her to "calm down, you're not helping yourself". She wants assurance that they'll arrest him, it's all his doing, but of course these Plod don't know why they should talk to him.

As Chris leaves, Sally tells Kevin that he doesn't need to watch her all the time. Kevin admits he's watching Chris, he thinks he's "more of a snake than you think, particularly after I caught him giving Samantha the eye. Are you jealous?" Sally sneers "don't be pathetic".

Toyota comes round to tell Spider how she fixed the prawns with antifreeze. Spider is proud of her, but he warns her to keep quiet about it. "You've done terrific", he says, a lovestruck Toyota replies that she'd "do anything for him, even die for him." Spider assures her that she's "more use to the Planet staying alive and free". Emily comes back from the telephone, but Spider doesn't tell her what Toyota has done, just that she's "had a run in with Goebbels Junior". Emily is surprised at Curly, acting so smugly and selfishly - "he never used to be like this".

Alma and Mike have come home by now, and are hearing all about Jon. As far as Mike can see, that's the end of it, Dreary will be off the hook. They drink to "the beginning of the end of it all".

Fiona is going into deep introspection mode explaining to her Mother that she's lost the only man who ever really loved her. "All I know is that he was there when I needed him..........deep down he loved me" She believes that she never loved Alan as much as she loved Steve, she loves him now but has left it to late to tell him.

Monday 9 March

As the cat settles on the roof, Curly unlocks the security shutters at Firman's. Hayley is waiting for him to open up, explaining her earlyness on a sleepless night. As they enter the store an unusual aroma teases their olfactory organs. Tracking down the source, and opening the prawns freezer, Hayley immediately recognises the smell as ethylene glycol - Antifreeze. Every packet ruined. (I'm still trying to work out the O-level physics in this. The freezers are -18 degrees, the bags are sealed. Surely pouring antifreeze on them wouldn't thaw them?)

Frankie Stillman is explaining to Dreary that she's not off the hook yet, just because the Police are speaking to Jon at last doesn't mean she's clear. "So I'm still guilty until we can get Jon to prove me innocent" Mike sees Frankie out.

DS Wyatt in interviewing Jon. Jon says "I've been a complete fool, I've allowed myself to get mixed up in something out of my control." He says that he doesn't want to get Mrs Rachid into trouble, but as DS Wyatt says, "It's a bit late for that. The non-speaking Police woman bears a striking resemblance to Myra Hindley.

Les deux meres Middleton are talking about how Fiona will cope when Pam goes home, which will have to be later today. Pam suggests that if she's really desperate she could call Steve McDonald. Fiona wants to know what it is that Steve has done, that's so wrong - then recounts all the things Steve has done right, and all the times he's been there when she needed him.

In the garage, Kevin sees Sam talking to Chris in the upper office, rather like Kevin used to do with Nastily. They are trying to work out when they can have their next tryst.

Out in the Street Sally has a few words with Des while he waits for Sam - they are going to the races. As they drive down the Street we see Pam leaving the salon, and catches up with Steve. Pam swallows all her hatred of Steve and tells him that she knows Fiona wants him back, but if he were to hurt her she'd be after him.

Curly sees off the Police, who have been to inspect the antifreeze. Curly's 'leetle grey cells' have realised that there was no forced entry so it must have been at closing time last night. Alma suggests the security cameras, but sadly they are out of range. Eric Firman comes along, and informs Curly that the store's insurance won't cover sabotage. Further, Eric is blaming Curly for the incident because the people who have been targeting the store are neighbours, and perhaps there is a personal vendetta? Eric wants an end to it.

Have you ever seen supermarket workers standing chatting? Alma and Hayley are doing just that, when Eric walks past without a word. Hayley explains again that she can't approach Roy, it's got to come from him. Alma wonders if a platonic friendship would suit Hayley, because that might not scare Roy off. Hayley brightens at this suggestion and decides to go to see him in her dinner hour.

Back at the garage Kevin instructs Chris to "meet your women somewhere else". Chris reminds Kevin of his liaisons there with Nastily, but Kevin counters that that was different, they were serious. Kevin then wonders if Chris is trying to work through all the women in Coronation Street, but Chris won't listen to any more - "You're my boss, Kevin, not my Dad"

Dreary is having a drink with Mike. She's pleased he's been in her corner, and comments that Ken ought to have been there.

McDonald Senior enters the bar, but Steve won't have a drink with him - he has something to attend to.

Back in the interview room, DS Wyatt is telling Jon that he doesn't see Dreary as the type of woman to force Jon to do all the things he says she has. Jon agrees - "that's the impression you get meeting her for the first time." As an example he claims that Dreary asked him to wear the fancy dress Pilot's uniform, first in private, then in public, and before he knew it, she had passed him off as a real pilot! He says that it got beyond a joke, but when he wanted to stop doing it she got hysterical and threatened to hurt herself. So he went along with it rather than risk her carrying out her threats.

Steve arrives at the salon to explain that he's been talking to Pam. "what's she been saying now?" "She told me you were upset, she told me I was the reason you're upset".

END OF PART ONE

Fiona is cautious, she still thinks she's lost Steve, but he tells her it's not too late, even after everything she's said about him. They kiss. Aaaaaaaah.

Curly storms into Emily's house, and accuses Spider of the antifreeze incident. Emily won't have this, and Spider denies it. Emily asks when it happened, but Emily provides his alibi. Toyota chips in with "I don't know why you're getting so worked up about a couple of bags of frozen prawns". Ah ha! Curly 'Hercule Poirot' Watts has got her - "and how did you know that it was the frozen fish section that was attacked?"

Back to DS Wyatt who brings out a copy of Ian Jenkin's mortgage application form. Jon admits that it is his writing and his forgery of the signature. DS Wyatt wants to know why? Jon explains that it was to go along with Dreary's plan, she had to have that house, and it had to be a man posing as Ian Jenkins. He had told her it would never work, but she's a hard woman to refuse. "And the Gold Card?" Jon professes to know nothing about the Gold Card being on Ian Jenkins's account, he thought it was hers. "Oh no!! We furnished the entire house on that card!!" But didn't Jon ever wonder where the manageress of a travel agency had that sort of money? Jon says he assumed that she inherited from her late husband. He can't believe that she's forged Ian's signature on the card application after everything he's done for her. What a snake, eh readers?

Toyota is being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition. Curly knows she did it, but Emily gives her an alibi - they were watching a documentary on TV. After Curly leaves Emily asks Toyah straight - did she do it? With a shy smile, Toyah admits it. Emily is horrified - how dare they, Geoffrey who should know better and Toyah who hasn't got enough grey matter to know she's done wrong, how dare they make her lie for them?

The Lady in the Red Anorak looks for Roy in the cafe, but he's gone to the bank. Gail sees this as an opportunity to tell a few white lies to bring them together. She says that Roy had told her that it had all come out wrong and he didn't mean to make her unhappy. Hayley is cheered by this, and agrees to Gail's suggestion that she come back after work to see Roy again. A very happy smiling Hayley rushes out.

The Websters have finished their chips, or whatever, and discuss the state of the Des and Sam relationship. Sally wonders if Sam's really seeing Chris, Kevin assures her that he must be after what he saw this morning.

It's after tea-time, and Hayley returns to the cafe. Roy is surprised to see her, though Gail is beaming at having engineered the reunion. Hayley tells him that Gail had told her how he felt, which concerns Roy. He tells her that she has been misinformed, and it would be best if she left, right now. "I think it's for the best if we don't see each other again". A very sad Hayley turns and walks away.

Steve buys Gary a drink to celebrate getting back with Fiona. Jim comes in on the back end of this and asks if the celebration is for a big property deal. "Yeh, that's right. Tough competition, but got there in the end."

Emily and Spider are in a booth, and Curly comes by to tell them there will be an arrest. Spider asks about insurance, and is troubled to learn that they were not covered for sabotage - and that Eric Firman is laying the blame on Curly. Again Spider tells him he didn't do it, and that he is sorry it's got Curly into trouble.

Des comes in with Sam, and orders a pint. Sam insists on champagne instead as she won £50 at the races - off Des the Bookie. She and Chris catch eyes over the bar. Kevin can see this, and comments to Sally that Des has no idea - "Poor Des". Ooops, tact, Kevin. Sally rounds on him with "Nobody said Poor Sally when you were playing around with That Natalie. Men! You're such hypocrites!!" As she storm off, Des says "Ooh dear, something we should know about?"

Ken comes in, and finds Mike and Dreary in the bar, with his arm on the back of the bench behind her. He's delighted that Jon is being questioned. Mike teases him about his conscience, but Ken was not prepared to perjure himself. He will, however, help in any other way he can, but Dreary tells him that won't be necessary, Ken is the last person she'll turn to.

DS Wyatt is still interviewing Jon. He summarises that Dreary has said how Jon lied from the first moment, but now all the offences have come to light he's trying to blame her for them. Jon thinks for a moment says that he knows Dreary is desperate, but he didn't think she could be malicious. He then explains that the third party in this deception is Ken Barlow, who knew Jon wasn't a pilot, but cooked up a story with Dreary. "Ask him - he can tell you who the liar is".

Episode written by Andy Armitage

Wednesday 11 March

Dear Update Readers,

Before I tell you about one of the most entertaining episodes of CS in recent months, I have some good news and some bad news. I'd better give you the bad news first.

Unconfirmed reports have it that one Ruth Carey - the 'original good time that was had by all' - is lurking on RATUCS and may indeed 'grace' us with a missive or two any day now. Why is this a problem? Well, if I tell you that Ruth is one of Glenda Young's cronies, you'll understand why. Ruth used to be in the army but was thrown out on account of her chronic nymphomania ('penile dementia', to use the correct medical term). Not for nothing is she known in Aldershot as "the officer's mess". Glenda Young claims that Ruth is a reformed woman, and now heavily into CS. Well we shall see. Of course, she'll probably post anonymously, but you'll be able to recognise her messages from their subject matter. So if you see the occasional off-topic post with the title "Entertaining on a Budget: How to get through the entire England Under-23 Rugby team on a pack-of-three" or "One Swallow does not a Blowjob make: The Thrills and Spills of Oral Sex", you'll know straight away that it's the aforementioned Ms Carey.

But now for the good news. If you've read the very lovely Graham Allsopp's victory post entitled "Too Chuffed...", you will know that RATUCS has achieved celebrity status with a mention in this week's Radio Times (on sale now from all good newsagents). I understand that other websites such as Who's Who in CS (run by Graham) and the Visual Update Page (run by that veritable Colossus of a man, Mike Plowman) are also mentioned indirectly. Well all I can say is 'about time too!' Graham, Mike and all of those unsung heroes who make these sites so entertaining and successful are indeed deserving of our praise, encouragement and appreciation. I am not a prolific surfer of the Web, but "Who's Who" and the Visual Update Page are definitely my favourites, and they make sites like 'Men Out Of Uniform' look amateurish by comparison. Congratulations all round.

But the appearance of RATUCSers in the Radio Times does not end there, for if you turn to page 121 and look at the "Prayer for the Day" slot (Radio 4, 6.25 a.m.), there's another surprise in store. Yes, folks, it's yours truly. (Stop that sniggering at the back there! It's really no surprise that I should be doing 'Prayer for the Day', given the regularity with which I can be found down on my knees). I bet you didn't know I had a serious side, did you? After all, there *is* more to life than sleazy clubs, loud music, Bostik and nipple-clamps. (Not much more, but enough to make a difference).

And so to our favourite topic, Coronation Street. The weeks are just flying by: no sooner have I finished one update than it is time to do another. (As Socrates once said, "Time is like beauty: it is in the sigh of the beholder", which is pretty profound coming from someone who was into shagging little boys.) Personally I have reached a stage in life where I no longer tick off the days on a calendar or count birthdays, and I really think that this is the answer. If you simply refuse to grow old and develop wrinkles, you won't! Besides, if God had wanted us to develop wrinkles, He wouldn't have invented Oil of Ulay, would He?

Anyway, down to business...

The episode opens with Mike Baldwin standing in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie and whistling a happy tune. Alma wants to know why he is so chirpy. His answer? Well, they've got Jon Lindsay, haven't they, and so Deidre will soon be in the clear. A somewhat alarmed Alma, who clearly wants Deirdre off her patch, comments on how involved Mike has become with the case, to which Mike retorts: "Well she *is* my mate!" "No," says Alma, firmly: "I am your mate!" She then asks him whether he would go to as much trouble for her (Alma) were she ever to be in Deirdre's predicament. "Of course not," replies Mike, "because you're hardly likely to run off with a bogus pilot, are you? Not when you've got me, that is." Alma at this point makes a mental note to ask Deirdre for the address of that singles bar...

At the garage, Sally brings some sandwiches (Salami? Chipolata?) for Kevin, although what she really wants is to chat with Chris. Kevin appears too soon, however, and her plans are thwarted.

Having just purchased his copy of "Clear Conscience Monthly", Ken 'Mr Principles' Barlow is standing outside the Kabin, chatting to Big Red. He is telling her about his impending trip to the police station, and Big Red is offering reassurance. "It's only natural that they should want to speak to you," she says, "since you were the one who caught Jon out as a liar in the first place." Ken says that he is actually glad to be helping the police with their enquiries because it will give him the opportunity to "make it up to Deirdre".

At Firman's, a troubled Hayley is trying to buttonhole Alma yet again to bring her up to date with the latest news of her non-relationship with Roy. "You're the only person I can tell all this to," says Hayley, "because you're the only person I know who is in a happy, stable relationship." Alma grits her teeth and suppresses a sardonic smile, her run-in with Mike over the Deirdre problem still fresh in her mind. (I half expected her to say, "There are three of us in this marriage; it's a bit crowded..."). Hayley tells Alma how she approached Roy in the belief that he missed her and wanted to see her again. That was what Gail had told her, but obviously Gail had been lying. A well-intentioned lie, perhaps, but a lie nevertheless. The stress of it all is too much for Hayley and the poor poppet departs in floods of tears. I too pulled the Kleenex a little nearer...

At the Kabin, Leanne is ribbing Toyah mercilessly about the latter's plans to seduce Spider. "You get Spider on his own for the evening and you want to show him a video on trees?!" she squeals incredulously. "We like trees," objects Toyah. "They're interesting and you can learn a lot." Leanne's hoots of derision fill the Kabin: "Well me and Nick like trees," she says - which is hardly surprising given that Nick is actually part of one - "but trees are for having picnics under, not for watching on the telly!" Leanne then asks Rita what she thinks of Toyah's choice of video. Big Red, ever the voice of experience and good counsel, opines that as long as Toyah and Spider share an interest, it doesn't matter what it is. However it's clear that Toyah's interest is not purely arboreal: the video on "Deforestation" that she has borrowed from school is obviously intended as foreplay; this much becomes evident when she asks Leanne if she can borrow one of her skimpy, sexy tops. "What do you want one of my tops for," says Leanne, "if all you're going to do is watch a video on trees?" "So she can distract his attention from trees," chimes in Big Red. Leanne eventually agrees to lend Toyah her top and, as her sister leaves on cloud nine, remarks in a voice full of womanly wisdom: "These young girls of today!"

Chez Fiona, Steve is looking for reassurance. He says that he needs to know whether Fiona really wants him back or not. Fiona replies that she is tired and stressed and really can't be arsed with all this soul-searching. "After all," she says, "I have a new man in my life." Steve winces momentarily as his Calvin Kleins turn deep ochre. Then, as his IQ climbs slowly back up into double figures, he realises that Fiona was referring to Morgan. (Or 'Morgue', as he is to be known henceforth). Fiona spells it out as clearly as she can without actually resorting to blackboard and chalk: "Although there is a new man in my life, that doesn't mean that I don't want the old one back." Steve flashes a cheesy grin. "Of course," Fiona witters on, "I can't pretend that I'm not nervous. I don't want this to be a 'rebound' thing." [An extremely tedious scene, this: really a case of the bland leading the bland. The kind of scene that makes sticking red-hot needles in one's eyes a very attractive option.]

At the cafe (or was it the pub? The previous scene left an indelible blank on my mind), Sally is buttonholing Chris about his burgeoning relationship with Orange Girl. She can't believe that he and Samantha are carrying on like this virtually under Des's nose. But it soon becomes clear that Sally's concern for Chris is purely peripheral: what she really can't understand is why Chris is bedding Samantha at all. Chris's claim that his relationship with Sam has nothing to do with the emotions and everything to do with the genitals fails to placate Sally, who says: "I thought I was something special to you, and not just another notch on your bedpost." Chris asserts yet again that what he and Sally had was indeed special, and that they would still have it if Sally had not given him the elbow. At this point, Sally's eyes brim with tears of regret, and the pain of lost opportunity. [I always said that she was a twenty-four carat fool to give Chris up and take Kevin back. Since she and that snotty little grease-monkey got back together, all they've ever done is bitch and bicker at one another. And if she did it for the sake of the children, she's an even bigger fool than I thought. Staying together for the sake of the children is always a mistake, and especially so in the case of Rursie and Surfie, who are never there anyway: they're either on their way to bed or washing their hands ready for dinner. Besides, kids raised solely on white bread and baked beans probably wouldn't have enough grey matter to know what's going on anyway]. Yes, dear readers, I'm afraid that Sally is lingering in the icy grip of the green-eyed monster. This scene was actually a very touching one, and I pulled the Kleenex box a little nearer still...

At the cafe, Alma is trying to intercede with Roy on Hayley's behalf. At first, Roy dismisses Alma and tells her in his typically obtuse manner to mind her own business. But then she tells him that she *knows*. Yes, she knows all about Hayley's 'predicament', as Roy calls it. Roy's expression changes and suddenly he is all ears. Alma tells him that whatever her predicament, Hayley is still Hayley; furthermore, she is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. People in difficult situations need support, she says, and Roy should offer Hayley all the help he can rather than continue to snub her and cause her unwarranted grief. Roy agrees. He then goes on to applaud Alma's own commendable efforts to support "Mrs Rachid" in her hour of need - unaware, of course, that Alma has just sent an order off to Haiti for a Deirdre Rachid doll and several hundred small pins. Roy tells Alma that he will speak to Hayley, but what should he say? Alma advises him to tell Hayley how much their relationship once meant to him, and how he finds her "interesting". "Think of what you want to say," says Alma, "and write it all down." Roy promises to do just that.

On the other side of town, Mike and Deirdre are sitting in Frankie's office. A jubilant Mike presumes out loud that it's all over, now that Jon Lindsay is banged up in police custody. Frankie shakes her head and tells them that it's far from being all over. Not only have the charges against Deirdre not been dropped, but events have taken a turn for the worse. Like the dreaded Kraken, Deirdre's neck tendons stir from their slumber, while purveyors of root vegetables everywhere remind themselves to put in extra orders. Frankie repeats the story that Jon gave to the police, namely that while he admitted to forging the mortgage signature, he did so only because Deirdre persuaded him. Indeed, the Drear put him up to everything, threatening suicide if he refused to comply. Cue straining tendons and eyes on stalks as Deirdre has a go at painting the chair yellow. And cue my Kleenex box, inching ever nearer as we go into the commercial break...

When we return, it is clear that Deirdre has been having a good bawl. "You'd built your hopes up, hadn't you?" says Frankie. "And I warned you not to do that." The gist of the sorry tale is that according to Jon, Deirdre put him up to everything - the lie about his being a pilot, the mortgage, everything. Everything, that is, apart from the gold card, of which Jon denies all knowledge: Deirdre obviously forged the signature on that one herself. Worse than all this, however, is the fact that the police consider Jon to be a credible witness. Deirdre has by now exhausted her thesaurus of emotions and simply sits there, numb and limp. As indeed do I, until...

The next scene, and the appearance of the one-and-only DS Wyatt! He is grilling Ken [Oh to be grilled by DS Wyatt!] on how well Ken knows the Drear. "Very well," enthuses the Moral One, "because I am her ex-husband." He then proceeds to dig Deirdre's grave by giving her a glowing character reference. It's damaging, of course, because he paints a picture of the Drear as a strong-willed woman of integrity who is not easily led. DS Wyatt concludes therefore that Deirdre is something of a smooth operator, in charge of her own destiny, who would never allow herself to be deceived and who could be quite capable of manipulating others for her own ends. The sting in the tail, of course, is the fact that Deirdre colluded with Jon in his "I am a pilot" lie; moreover, she got Ken to play along with the lie too. DS Wyatt points this out to him; cue a squishy, splatting from Ken's direction as the third pair of pants this evening turns brown.

Back in the Street, Chris is telling Kevin that he has been talking to Sally, who disapproves strongly of Chris's affair with Sam. Of course, Sally would never have found out about it had it not been for Kevin's big gob, which Chris suggests that he shuts in order to prevent the rumours from going any further.

"The things people do for love!" exclaims DS Wyatt, back at the police station. He is expressing his incredulity at the weird and wonderful scams that people - women especially - attempt to pull off, all for the sake of the good old beef torpedo. "Woman, eh?" he sneers deliciously. There is a feeble attempt on Ken's part to defend Deirdre, but as far as DS Wyatt and his silent female side-kick are concerned, the Drear is clearly beyond redemption and will soon be on her way to the Big House - thanks partly to the Barlow principles. Et tu, Kene? What a toss-bag. [The look on his face was - once I had Dettoxed the screen down and could see it properly - a joy to behold].

At the Websters, Sally and Kevin are bickering again. Kevin accuses Sally of blabbing to Chris; Sally says that since Chris is her friend, she felt it was her duty to talk to him about his clandestine affair with Orange Girl. Kevin is unable to accept this 'friendship' between Sally and Chris - a friendship that Sally feels so deeply, it would seem, that she is quite comfortable discussing Chris's sex life with him. Kevin thinks this is outrageous. Sally counters by saying that she wishes someone had sat down with him (Kevin) to warn him off poking Nastily Horrid. Her parting shot is: "You're jealous: that's what this is all about.2

Across the road from Firman's, Hayley, who has been out to buy stamps for Curly Watts, bumps into Roy. Theirs is an uneasy, faltering exchange, but Roy finally admits that he had been on his way to talk to her. "What did you want to say, Roy?" begins Hayley. And so out comes Roy's notebook and, lo and behold, he reads aloud what he has written to Hayley at Alma's behest. "Dear Hayley," he says...and then goes on, in a nutshell, to describe how much he has always valued her friendship; how his feelings for her are unlike anything he has ever experienced before; how much he would like to continue their friendship; and how he has always found her interesting. "Yours," he concludes, "Roy...Cropper." Hayley's face gently lights up and she moves in to give him a peck on the cheek but is pre-empted by the Cropper mitt as Roy makes ready for an uneasy handshake instead. [Pure magic, this scene, and I have to admit that a tear did fall. But no Kleenex left, I'm afraid: they all seemed to get used up during the DS Wyatt scene.)

At the Rovers, Steve and Fiona are having a drink. (Morgue is in the capable (?) hands of Maxime). Fiona thanks Steve for everything he has done for her and then invites him back to her flat - presumably so that she can show her appreciation in a more tangible way.

At another table, Kevin and Sally are still at each other's throats. Sally puts him in his place by accusing him of sulks and tantrums. Kevin looks chastened and unable to hit back. Indeed, given his pernicious affair with Vampira, there's nothing he can throw at Sally that won't be lobbed back instantly as an example of barefaced hypocrisy. He's in a no-win situation and all he can do is squirm. Good on yer Sally, it's about time. You've played the door-mat for far too long.

Back at the other table, Jim comes over to congratulate Steve and Fiona for getting back together, only to be told by Steve to "Bog off!"

Cut to a film of trees being chopped down. Yes, it is that eco-classic, "Deforestation", and Spider and Toyah are glued to it. Well actually, Spider is glued to it; Toyah's attention is directed wholly at Spider. He is oblivious to her, though why this should be is a mystery, because Toyah looks *hot*: skimpy top, short skirt, hair swept up, lippy and foundation in place: in short, it's Babesville, guys. (And now it's Mike Plowman's turn to run out of Kleenex...) Toyah manoeuvres her hand onto Spider's knee. "You've got a big hole!" she says - God, that phrase takes me back - as she slips her finger into the rip in his jeans. But Spider is having none of it, and gently moves her hand away.

While this was going on, there was a knock at the door. Just as Spider moves Toyah's hand away, the sitting room door opens and Emily ushers in their visitor. It is a female, also from the planet Vega, clad in eco-warrior chic and looking, as my mother would say, as though she's "been pulled through a hedge backwards." She greets Spider with a big warm "Hey!" and he responds in kind. Much to Toyah's horror, Spider goes over to the newcomer and, with another "Hey!", proceeds to deliver an impromptu mouth-to-mouth tonsillectomy. Aunty Em looks embarrassed; Toyah looks quietly devastated. "This is Log'," says Spider, introducing the newcomer to a bewildered Aunty Em and a slowly dying Toyah. The couple kiss again, whereupon Emily declares grumpily that she will make tea. Toyah wants only to know whether Spider will carry on watching the film with her. "Have you seen this film?" asks Toyah, ready to gloat if Log's answer is negative. "Seen it?" sneers Log, "we're *in* it!" As the kisses and cuddles continue, Toyah's heart sinks ever lower. Spider asks Log where she's been on her travels. Log comes out with a whole list of Spanish-sounding names: Santiago, San Antonio, Concepcion and so on. In an attempt at one-upmanship, Toyah says: "Ever been to Tossa?" "Where's that?" asks Log. "Tossa del Mar," says Toyah, "we have." Spider points out gently that Log has just returned from South America, not Spain. Log then presents Spider with some native South American instrument, while Spider reciprocates by suggesting they go upstairs so that Log can blow on his. He tells Toyah that he will see her around, and then he and Log depart. As they leave, Aunty Em appears with a tray of tea, but the whole thing is too much for the distraught Toyah, and she runs out of the house and into the darkened street.

Outside, Fiona and Steve are kissing under the lamplight; across the road, Jim McDonald lurks in the shadows, watching them. Toyah, meanwhile, looks up at Spider's window, only to see the silhouette of Log as the latter sways to some exotic rhythm (a Log-a-rhythm, perhaps?). Unable to stand it any longer, Toyah rushes across to a shrubbery on the other side of the road and proceeds to purge her anger by uprooting a large plant and stamping on it! Fiona, who has seen this, remonstrates with her, only to be told to "Bog off!" by Toyah.

The rest of the episode was pretty uneventful after this. Jim approaches Fiona and begs her not to go back with Steve, and Ken gets a visit from a young police officer who tells the Principled One that he is to appear as witness for the prosecution in the Drear's trial. But since I predicted this over a month ago, you don't need me to repeat it, do you?

AS I SEE IT

In my humble opinion, this was classic CS: laughter and tears in exactly the right proportions, and acting of the highest calibre from all concerned. In fact it was possibly the most fun I've had in ages without another man being in the room. Okay, so it wasn't uproarious high farce, and nor was it tragedy on the scale of Macbeth. But there was angst and there was humour, and the fact that these were subtly expressed and entirely situational was why they worked so well. The key, of course, lies in the acting, and in this episode the usual high standards were maintained. Bouquets, then, to the actors who play Deirdre, Sally, Roy ad Hayley - and a hundred red roses to the increasingly brilliant Georgia Taylor, who has made Toyah Battersby into one of the most endearing characters ever to tread those hallowd cobbles. Didn't your heart just break when she tried to get close to Spider, only to see her plans stymied by that awful Log woman? Toyah's behaviour brought it all back, because when you're a fifteen year-old heap of hormones and so besotted that it hurts, rejection simply tears your heart into scraps and throws it to the birds. And the actress put that over perfectly. She is a perfect amalgam of naivete and precociousness, and as such reminds me very much of myself. (Yes, believe it or not, I was once extremely innocent and naive - so much so, in fact, that for years and years I thought 'fellatio' was a minor character in The Merchant of Venice. That all changed, of course, as soon as I joined the Boy Scouts, but you get my point).

The things we do for love, as the wondrous DS Wyatt put it. Indeed. But sometimes it all goes pear-shaped, as the predicament of many a CS character amply demonstrates. This is not lost on my mother, who has recently taken to using CS as a kind of visual aid with which she attempts to educate me every now and then. After Wednesday's episode, she phones for her usual mid-week gabfest. "That Deirdre woman," she says, "is living proof that nothing good ever comes of picking up strange men in bars." I reassure her that next time I have a night out at "Heaven", I'll try to remember not to sign any mortgage agreements. "And by the way," she continues, "scientists have estimated that there are roughly one and half pounds of dust mites in the average pillow. Bear *that* in mind the next time you bite into one." Leaving me no time to answer, she moves on to Tony Blair. "You should take a leaf out of his book," she says. Now I know that she's not referring to anything political, because my mother is to politics what Stevie Wonder is to bird-watching. Indeed, such is her knowledge of global politics and international relations that she probably thinks the Khmer Rouge is something manufactured by Revlon. So it has to be the revelation that Tony Blair is allegedly thinking of becoming Catholic. I tell here that I already *am* a Catholic. "Yes," she says, "but you've lapsed badly. When was the last time you went to confession? And why are there no photographs of the Holy Father on your walls?" I tell her that confession is a non-starter: my accumulated iniquities form a list so long that they'd hardly fit on CD Rom, let alone be confessable in ten minutes. As for photos of the Pope, well the Holy Father would look a right eejit stuck up there in between the shirtless shots of Dean Cain and George Clooney. (Although I have to admit that I do have a sneaking admiration for the Pope. After all, he's the only person I know who can get away with wearing brown shoes under a white frock). But I say nothing; after all, the Pope is my mother's favourite person on the planet - just in front of Anthea Turner and Torvill & Dean. Given my mother's bizarre choice of cultural icons, is it any wonder that I have turned out like I have - i.e. exactly the kind of person my mother spent years warning me about?!

Anyway, that's all for now. But before I go, I'd like to extend commiserations to our good friend and fellow RATUCSer, Tracy Roketta, who injured her back last week when she fell off a motorbike mechanic. Get well soon, Tracy luv! Regards, CP

PS - Sorry the update was late. Touch of food poisoning. I think it was someone I ate...

Friday 13 March

It's breakfast at the Websters, and Sally and Kevin are arguing. He doesn't want to argue in front of the gurrrls, so Sally send them upstairs to get ready for school. Kevin thinks the gurrrls are sensing friction between their parents, which Sally ascribes solely to his jealousy.

Alma is trying to encourage Dreary to eat her breakfast, despite there being no carrot in it. Mike insists she needs to eat to keep her strength up. Dreary goes into the 'I'm going down' routine, but Alma and Mike try to convince her that no jury will be taken in by Lindsay's lies." He wouldn't con a jury, believe you me", says Mike airily. "I wouldn't be too sure" drones Dreary.

Janice and Toyah leave the house, Janice is trying to find out what's troubling Toyah. Thinking she's after an excuse to twag off School, Janice tells her straight that she's going to School, even if she's got bubonic plague. Toyah says that she is going to school, she'll be glad to get away from the Street. Janice begins to recognise these adolescent symptoms and teases her about being love-sick. The object of Toyah's hatred comes out of Emily's and snogs with Spider in the street. "Who's that?" asks Janice. "Wonder Woman" replies Toyah.

Sam is seeing Des off in the Street, saying "yes, I'll miss you" etc. No sooner has he gone that Chris comes over, asks how long he's away, so they make a date for lunchtime - his place.

Kevin has seen this intercourse, and accuses Chris of "Dangerous Liaisons, eh" - "Wouldn't know mate, you're the expert".

In the cafe Gail wants to know why Roy is in brighter spirits today. "Come on, spill the beans, it's Hayley isn't it? Are you back together?." Roy tells her that "we've reached an understanding." "Whatever you want to call it - you two were made for each other."

Emily comes in, so as to leave Spider and Log alone for a while. She tells Gail how Toyah has been put out by the appearance of Spider's girlfriend. Emily doesn't think Log will be around for long, as she's just come back from an expedition to Chile. Nineteen million viewers hope she's right.

Gail continues to tease Roy, suggesting there's something in the air, with "all these lovers getting back together again."

In Emily's parlour, Log is telling Spider that karma helped her track him down, "We're meant to be together". Just to clear the air, Spider confirms that Toyah is just a mate, but she was great on the Red Rec. Log is quite taken with the general feel of the street, with its cobbles - "It's like the back street time forgot......Yeah, it'll be great to stay for a while". "Triffic" replies Spider, with just enough insincerity to suggest we might be rid of her before long.

Emily comes home, calling out before entering the room, just in case of naughtiness. She is horrified by the jasmine incense burning - an aphrodisiac as Log explains. She tells Emily that Spider's asked her to stay for a while, which does not please Emily. Emily tries to put her foot down with a firm hand, stating that she only has two bedrooms. Spider says she'll sleep on the floor, Log says Emily won't know she's there.

Martin is drinking with Steve, and describing the joys of parenthood that Steve can now look forward to - nappies, and more nappies. Steve is more interested in several brothers and sisters for Morgan.

Vera is being tactless with Ken, telling him that "it's a terrible business with Dierdrie, but it's a good thing she's got good friends like you, to stick up for her i'n't it?"

Back to Steve and Martin, but it's of no consequence, seemingly about treating all offspring the same, even if they don't share both parents. Martin comments about Nicky being nothing but trouble for years.

Kevin comes in, orders a pint from Samantha. As she's chatting, Des arrives unexpectedly. He claims he couldn't keep away.

Ken sits down with Emily and Alma and tells them his news - he is to testify against Dreary. His lying for her when the non-pilot status was discovered has strengthened their case. "But how did the Police find that out" asks Alma, "I'm afraid I told them." He feels terrible about it, but insists he has no choice.

Des wants to know what Sam wants to do this afternoon. He says he's come home early to do paperwork. Sam needs to cover for her absence, so says she's going into town, shopping. Kevin is burning with tales to tell out of school, and leaves shortly after Des.

In the Kabin, Leanne is teasing Toyah in the style of an agony column. She goes too far, and Toyah is near tears. Rita plays the concerned matron bit, and Toyah admits that the problem is Log, the fact that Spider has a girlfriend. They joke about what sort of name is Log? Logs are for falling off or chopping up as firewood. Toyah brightens at this - "yeah, that's what I'll do. Chop 'er up into little bits".

Kevin calls round as Des's house to share his news that Sam is playing around with Chris.

END OF PART ONE

Des denies that anything can be happening between Sam and Chris. Things have never been better between them. He accuses Kevin of telling tales because he hasn't forgiven Chris and Sally.

Alma comes home to tell Mike about Ken being a prosecution witness. Just as Mike is saying "Not only has he handed the prosecution a loaded gun, he's volunteering to pull the trigger" when Dreary appears behind him, having been resting.

Spider and Log are drinking in the Rovers. Log thinks Aunty Em is really sweet, he tells her about her exploits on the Red Rec. Log announces that she's planning an expedition. Spider brightens at this until she says it's only into Weatherfield to explore more cobbled streets.

Des comes in looking for Samantha, but is surprised to find her gone.

"Ere" says Janice, "I'd like a word with you, Mister Save-The-Planet" She's angry that Spider has exploited Toyah's feelings, more concern for the environment than for people. Spider insists that he has never led Toyah on, Janice warns him that Toyah might be only 15, but she doesn't forgive that easy.

Gary joins Des at the bar, all cheerily. Des is thinking into his pint.

Alma is trying to soft talk Dreary. Dreary is convinced that Ken's involvement will definitely put her away. "They weren't just Jon's lies, they were mine 'n' all. That's just what the jury'll want to hear."

At a table in the cafe, Hayley is excitedly showing Roy some brochures she's picked up from the North West Tourist Board on things to do if it rains in Weatherfield. She wants to plan a day out together at the weekend. She is so pleased that they are going to stay friends, it's so important to her. To emphasise this importance she puts her hand on his, which he pointedly removes as soon as physical contact occurs. "What about an Art Gallery?"

Martin arrives to check on the progress of true love. Gail explains that Roy calls in 'an understanding'. "If that's not true love I'll run up and down Coronation Street wi' nowt on but a grid"

As Hayley gathers up her brochures to leave she gives the highlights of the weekend - "Botticelli and Bacon". Martin the Philistine agrees that Roy makes a lovely Botticelli and bacon sandwich, but Roy patiently explains that they are painters, they are going to the Art Gallery. Hayley leaves, and Martin makes some joke about "I didn't know they had a back row at the Art Gallery?" Roy puts him right - "Hayley and I are friends. That's all we'll ever be. And I'd prefer it if you'd keep your smutty insinuations to yourself. Thank you." Martin sniggers. He too has had a visit from the Personality Transplant Fairy. (And does he know any style of acting other than standing with his arms folded?)

Dreary has gone into full depression mode, staring at a closed Venetian blind. Mike pours her a drink, but she says "I don't need a Scotch, I need a miracle". Mike tells her everything will be all right - "there's a way, there's always a way", but he doesn't seem too convinced himself.

Toyah calls round for her video, Spider invites her in. She is quite scathing about Log's presence, likening the incense to a tart's knicker drawer. Spider leaves them "to communicate" while he goes upstairs". Log enjoys telling her how she's staying for a while, Toyah takes the video from Spider without a word and runs out.

Back at Montreal Court Mike presents Dreary with her miracle - he's spoken to his mate Marty Costello on the Costa del Sol, booked a plane tonight, and Marty will look after her when she gets there. Dreary points out that she has surrendered her passport, but that's the second part of Mike's miracle, he's offering her Alma's passport "because they never look at them". "Does Alma know about this?" "You leave Alma to me". Dreary can't see that this can work, she'd be fleeing the country like a criminal and never able to come back. Mike assures her that there are blokes with bigger crimes who have been forgotten by the system, and not being able to return to Weatherfield might not be hardship. He goes off to pick up Alma from Firman's, saying the plane leaves at ten and he'll understand if she's not there when he gets back.

In the Kabin, Toyah is moaning to Leanne about how Log has settled into Emily's. Leanne wonders how long Log is going to stick around - "Not long if I catch her down a dark alleyway. I'll show her what body piercing really is." As she leaves, Rita asks Leanne how determined Toyah will be, Leanne recalls the incident with a black eye when she found Darren McCarthy had been two timing her with Alison Beatty - "She doesn't waste them lessons at kick-boxing club, I can tell ya......You don't cross our Toyah - no way".

In the Rovers, Vera is pleased to see Steve and Fiona back together - "and you look after her ..this time". Jim and Gary have a new double act, the Rover's synchronised formation drinking team, though Jim is sinking them rather faster than Gary likes.

By this time Mike, playing for time, is in the Rovers with Alma, who is still worried about leaving Dreary alone. Alma wants to go back, but Mike insists she'll be all right, she needs a bit of space.

Sam comes back from the shops, Des wants a word, but Vera gets her straight to work. Des says it can wait.

Fiona comments to Steve that "your Dad's knocking 'em back a bit isn't he?" Steve, not surprised, explains that "the bottle is the only friend he never fell out with" They drink up and go.

Jim tries to buy two more drinks, but Gary tells him he's had enough. Vera sends him home, so he goes off to drink on his own.

As Jim goes out, Ken comes in. Mike rounds on him, suggesting that he was jealous, and gave the Police just what they need to send Dreary down. Ken retaliates by telling Mike that he is a little man with a big mouth. Mike reiterates the jealousy bit and then tells Ken that he is "the most treacherous, evil..." Ken grabs him and they struggle "If Dierdrie goes down.......it's because of you, Barlow" Alma drags Mike outside while Vera wails "What's got into everybody tonight?"

Back at Montreal Court, Dreary is fingering the passport, plane ticket and cash, and wonders........

Episode written by Phil Ford

Sunday 15 March

Sunday evening, and another week draws to a close. Spring has finally sprung, and in celebration the staff at Laird Towers break into the cleaning cupboard and liberate the feather dusters and maids uniforms. (Hang on, perhaps that wasn't the cleaning stuff...) Hours later, they collapse exhausted on the his'n'hers settees, having unearthed several half-eaten packets of crisps, 3 used hankies, 52p in loose change (that doubled my pocket money for the week), much of the past year's vitally important mail, and two unwashed examples of a long-lost pygmy tribe with no social graces whatsoever. On closer inspection, these turn out to be the kids. Reunited, the clan enjoy a rare family meal together, and the last plate goes into the dishwasher just as those familiar tones come over the TV speaker and the episode for Sunday March 15th begins:

Act 1
Mike and Alma are leaving the Rovers. He has just gone 3 rounds with Ken "Bonecrusher" Barlow. Alma is not best pleased and accuses them of acting like a pair of schoolboys. Feigning some excuse about collecting papers from his office, they head for the factory, where later it looks like what he was really after was a drink. Alma continues to quiz him about Deirdre, asking him just how far he would be prepared to go. Don't worry Alma, not that far.

Back in the Rovers, Ken is apologising to Vera. [Where's Jack at the moment anyway ?] It won't happen again, he says. Well, not until the next time the pair clash over a woman, methinks. Vera suggests that Ken feigns illness to avoid giving evidence for the prosecution, but we know him better, and so does he. "I hope you can live with yourself then", is V's parting shot. Ken has that anguished look once more. He can't.

Gail and Roy are heading for the pub and she suggests that he and Hayley should come round for their tea one night. [I must suggest this to the lady of the house, instead of suppers taking 41 man-hours of preparation we should be asking friends round for *tea*, 3 fish fingers and an all-in wrestle with a screaming banshee, punctuated by every member of the outlaws phoning up for their daily news update. But wait, an idea is forming, if I bought them all a PC and got them hooked up to the net, they could post their daily minutiae to alt.scouse.happenings and I'd still be quids in on the phone bills. One for the Things to Do list.]

Where were we ? Still outside the Rovers, Spider and Log [sheesh] bump into Curly. Some harmless insults are traded, watched unseen by Toyah, and they continue on their way, Curly nearly colliding with Ken who rushes out of the bar and jumps into his car. [A little more of this incident later, don't want to spoil probably the best scene of the episode just yet.] Toyah repairs inside, to write a letter to Curly, c/o Firmans Freezers. What devious plot is afoot ?

Inside the Rovers once more, Sam and Des are having a mutual sulk. She is getting a drink for him when Big Chris arrives and chips in with "I'll have one of those and all, when you're ready". Somehow, we know he's not really talking about a pint of beer. Later, Des tries to get Sam to come home early for a talk. She suggests he talks to Natalie. Good choice, not. Later still, we see Sam and Chris spraying pheromones left right and centre as she asks him if he has recovered his strength, and is ready for "some more". Oo-err. Chris thinks someone is going to get hurt soon, but Sam is unconcerned, she's having too much fun.

Ken arrives at Mike's flat just as Deirdre is getting into a cab, bound for the airport. The cabbie burns rubber as Ken rushes up to talk to her. Catching up with them at the swanky new Terminal 2 building, which is eerily deserted, he demands to know what she is doing. She tells him she can't see any other way out, especially with Ken giving evidence, and that Mike has arranged it all. The blue touch paper is thus lit... Altogether now. "BALDWIN !!"

Back at the pub, Gail is still trying to persuade Roy that tea chez Platt might overcome Hayley's shyness. Gail has some cracking throwaway lines tonight, and delivers the best at this point. [I'll leave it to the end.]

Curly is discussing the ins and outs of commercial sabotage with Gary. As you do. He also tells Emily that his job might be at risk if he can't get a result on the Great Prawn Disaster. [Curly is wandering aimlessly from plot to plot at the moment. He badly needs another of those high-risk affairs to perk him up a bit.]

Intermission
Usual dross, brightened up by the on-all-the-time rerun Peugeot 406 ad with the stonkingly sexy Kim Basinger. And a chuckle as the Mirror screws up and shows what must have been a rehearsal shot of Elizabeth Emmanuel offering to "tell all" about Di's wedding dress [come on, it was 17 years ago !] before she got to make-up and hairdressing. Oh, no apparently the just got up look is in at the moment. Hey, I'm in fashion !

Back on planet Earth, the kids have got Hammy out of her cage for part two. We'll bring you the hamster vote when we can.

Act 2
Alma and Mike return home, to find Deirdre missing, and a note thanking them for everything. Alma wants to call the police, as she believes Deirdre might have been suicidal. Mike persuades her it is unlikely, playing for time before he is rumbled. Be sure your sins will find you out, my Mum used to say. Many a mickle maks a muckle. You'll stick like that. [Stop me when I'm boring you.]

At the Websters, Sally and Kevin are still finding it hard to forget, let alone forgive. Rowsie and Surphie are conveniently upstairs. How much better it would be if one of them were to say something instead of being banished to bed or the bathroom all the time. [It pulls you right up when a child announces how they don't like to hear you arguing.]

In the airport, where unfortunately Jon doesn't appear to be working tonight, we see Ken and Deirdre trying to sink a couple of cups of brown muddy liquid. [Join the Campaign for Real Milk, details on request.] He is still reeling from the revelation that she was trying to skip the country, on Alma's passport. Mmm, Deirdre, Alma, Deirdre, Alma. Well, I suppose they'd look alike to a myopic Klingon. Ken plays the Tracy- luv card. What would she think, two fathers walked out on her, and now this ? Deirdre starts to crumble, what she really needs is for people to believe her. Ken decides that he likes the cut of his Sir Galahad suit, and announces that he does. He will do everything he can in court to help. Aaahhh.

At Emily's, Spider and [grimace] "Log" are wondering what it must have been like having Curly as a lodger. "I've had worse", says Em looking pointedly around her. They're the wrong side of 25 to notice subtleties like this, and head off upstairs to calm Log's alpha waves. [Now there's a euphemism not oft heard. Must make a note of that one.] Toyah arrives, and tells Emily that Log might soon be cut down to size. Groan.

Deirdre and Ken arrive at his house. She is supposed to be staying at Mike's flat as a condition of bail, but our hero is having none of it. Deirdre is tired and heads off to bed. Ken looks at the phone, and decides to call Alma to tell her that he brought Deirdre back from the airport where she was trying to skip bail on Alma's passport. Alma gives Mike heaps for this. He adopts his "only an ignorant Cockney sparrer, have to live on me wits" attitude. Alma is not fooled.

Roy and Gail are having a drink, and she is still offering an invite to tea. Roy is not sure how Hayley would feel. "Let's ask her", says Gail as the red anorak is spotted arriving. Hayley looks pleased to see Roy. [No, no, CP, not like that !] Gail has to prompt Roy, now of the Rovers, oops sorry, to get a drink. Hayley asks for a pineapple juice and gives Roy the full 500-watt beam. Roy being Roy, fails to spot this. Perhaps if he wasn't screwing his eyes shut most of the time, he might notice more. While he is at the bar, Gail engages Hayley in some amusing girly chat. "Men, huh". We all smile. She would love to come round for tea. [This should be fun, what with the little ones about. Every 5 year-old knows *exactly* where to stand when clambering over males.]

Des is still brooding over his pint and giving Samantha some suspicious looks. This doesn't go unobserved by Natalie, no doubt an expert in these matters. Sam continues to smoulder at Chris, and when he leaves, observes to herself that she wishes she was going home with him. Chris is obviously wearing his flame-proof undies as anyone else would be ablaze by now. Des continues to scowl away. It's obviously Steve's turn with their shared brain tonight.

Finally, there is a knock on Ken's door. It's MVB of course. Ken tells him to clear off, and when Mike insists on seeing Deirdre, he is dumped unceremoniously on the ground in front of his car. Knockout, round 2. Ken turns to see Deirdre standing on the stairs. It's time for his "shucks Maw" look. The credits roll.

Tonight's episode was written by Phil Ford.

Well, it was nice to start with such a good episode. I've often thought the Sunday slot was just used as a bit of a "fill-in", but tonight was fair bursting with activity and plot development. There was wit and drama. Deirdre had some *much* better lines, and the scene in the airport was her best for a while, with the anguish nicely played without recourse to the expected tendon-wobbling. Gail was on much improved form, and had a fair smattering of those throwaway remarks that mean so much more to those of us in the know. And best yet, not a Middleton or Macdonald to be seen, save for a 10-second scene with Steve early on [yes, yes, I'm getting there].

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****

Best line: Gail, telling Roy that it would be good for Hayley to come round - "A couple of hours with our lot, and she'll be a new person !"

Best scene: Ken crashes into Steve on his way out of the Rovers, tipping Steve's Chicken Tikka Massala all down his front. Two knockout blows in one night. Way to go, Ken. [Mike P, hope you got at least one of these !]

Going nowhere plot: Spider and Log. Zzzzz.

Hamster verdict: Good enough to leave the aerial lead unchewed.

Tubby bye-byes !

John Laird

Monday 16 March

Alan's Monday Corrie Update

Hi folks! Welcome to the first of my Corrie updates - it's a pleasure joining the team. I've been lurking here a while but only come out in the last few weeks - for those that don't know, I have a secret fetish which involves Joanna Lumley AND Tina Turner AND liberal helpings of cream (plain yoghurt is an acceptable alternative), however, my medication has stabilised the condition somewhat, so things are under better control these days.

Would that were the case for my wife ('er downstairs, as she's called this - you see, I work from home and spend a lot of time upstairs at the computers, while she's the Internet widow, so I'm "'im upstairs" and she's "'er downstairs"), who has a similar mirroring condition involving Les Ferdinand - she actually wanted to be a physiotherapist, but her mother reckoned teaching was a nice job for a girl, so she turned to that profession instead. Anyway, her repressed tendencies do cause some problems in the household and her probation officer has ticked her off about this - basically it's the old ""there, there" - "no, THERE, THERE" routine you will have read about in the select end of the Sunday Press. I'm sure Les wouldn't put up with her snoring but I'm a martyr to the cause.

The ski-slopes of Glossop are melting rapidly, now that the monsoon season has come to the neighbourhood (for our North American friends, who devise the spellcheckers, this is how the word should be spelt). This means that the natives get restless which accounts for the extra-marital activity for which we Northerners are so well known - I use the expression "we Northerners" rather loosely, as you might expect from someone whose only claim to Northerndom is the sheer accident of actually being born in this country in the first place and then perpetuating the accident by living 40-odd years in the region. I wonder what the old folks in Krakow, Gdansk and Torun would have said about the matter, but as I would never have passed a certain politician's "Cricketting Test of Nationality" what do I care?

This Monday's episode was preceded by a chocolate figure saying that she wouldn't allow him to get "his hands on mine" - as it's pre-watershed viewing, this was obviously a reference to a Cadbury's Wispa and not Mars Bars - in any case, Mars don't sponsor the show.

The episode commences with Mike and Lama (which is how my mistyped attempt at Alma came out) - Lama is saying that Mike's idea was "crazy" - you will recall that Mike had a sudden rush of blood to the head in the previous episode and lined Deirdre up with Lama's passport, an airflight and promise of safe harbour in places Espagnol and actually suggested that this was her only alternative to incarceration at HM Pleasure. "I didn't think it through" and "I admit it wasn't one of my better ideas" were some of the gems of admission springing from his lips - mind you, this is Emancipated Man we are talking about, whose enlightened attitude to women is along the lines of "keep 'em barefoot and pregnant"! Lama says "I could have told you that, if you'd asked me.... Why didn't you?" to which the unspoken answer is that we know how much he really values Lama's input. Anyway Lama is relieved that D is out of their marital home and "is better off with Ken" - Emancipated Man doesn't see it that way, but Lama clearly sees that there is a "limit to how much we can do for her" - this is her TELLING him how its gonna be! Ooh, I do like a strong woman, not that Tamara Press did much for me, but that's another story!

The scene cuts to T'Caff where we have Roy and Hayley whispering to each other. You will remember that Gail (the Mother-in-law from Hell to the Daughter-in-law from Hell) had a personality transplant and took on the persona of cupid to Roy and Hayley - this was NIMBYism at its worst as she was hardly cupid to her wonderful son, Nick and his beloved spouse, "'arrr Leeanne", but these expedient measures must not get in the way of a good storyline. Anyway, Gail had invited Roy and Hayley round for a meal and Roy (who is clearly worried about Hayley's secret coming out before the operation, but clearly unaware of the power of trusses) had turned her down. Hayley is saying she would have liked to have gone - at this stage Gail takes on the alter-persona of a United Nation Ambassador for Peace and beats a diplomatic retreat to change the bogrolls and leave our romantic couple to it. "You didn't want to go" says Hayley and Roy is forced to admit that this was the case but found it embarrassing to turn down the invite. H continues "but you usually say what you think - it's one of the things I thought we had in common, plain speaking, it's something I've always very much respected in you". Roy has used the excuse with Gail that Hayley is "shy" to which Hayley replies that she doesn't like deception - Roy's retort "That's a bit rich!" obviously stings her. She accuses him of not trusting her with other people in case she says something which causes him embarrassment. Roy denies this vehemently. Hayley continues "I'd thought I'd met someone who wasn't influenced by what other people thought - a man without prejudice, that's what I thought you were... I was wrong". Exit Hayley stage right to go back to work and enter stage left, right on cue The Peace Ambassador. "Hayley gone? Everything all right?" to which Roy replies firmly, but not convincingly "Fine!" - except the facial expression says anything but "Fine"!

Des and Sammy in their love nest at breakfast is the next scene - Des is doing his "I'm not going to make eye contact, 'cos I read the books on body language, so I'll bury my head in the paper" act. Pollyfilla Babe is taking the brazen line - she wanted some grouting doing on her face and Chris volunteered. He practiced his pogo-vaulting all over her and Des is beginning to wonder how far things have gone, anyway she's not going down without a fight (apparently she likes it that way). "Good is it?" she challenges Des, referring to the paper - Des mumbles some lame response about a news item in the paper, so Pollyfilla Babe decides attack is the best form of defence (note to US spellcheckers, this is the correct spulling of the wird). "You don't like me working in the Rovers, do you?... perhaps you don't like men looking at me?" she continues - Des says he's learned to live with it "that's human nature". "So why am I getting the cold shoulder?" she replies. But Des hasn't the bottle to take her on at her game and tells her to "drop it, eh?".

Curly is in the office just finishing a telephone conversation with Eric Firman, his boss. Hayley comes in with coffee and the morning post and starts asking about the freezer sabotage by the other PLO, the Prawn Liberation Organisation - Curly wants the matter laying to rest. "Customer confidence is most important", he tells her "if we want to keep our jobs - talk to Mr Firman who says, 'just forget it ever happened', all right?" Hayley hands him the post and on top is a letter addressed in crayon to "Curly Watts, Firman's Freezers" - you will recall that 'arr Toyota has only just learned joined up ryeting, but hasn't yet mastered the vagaries of holding a pen and it was her what ritt the letter. Curly opens up the letter and scans the contents in disbelief.

Deirdre opens the door to Emancipated Man - Baldwin has come to visit her at Ken's but, brave as ever, first of all he just wants to check that "Conscience man" is out. D tells him that despite his help, she couldn't go through with the flit to Espana. She fears everyone would jump to the conclusion that she is "as guilty as sin and I'm not. You do still believe that don't you?" Anyway everything is OK now that Ken is on her side, but Mike laughs - he's not impressed by her confidence in Ken. He tries to tell her that Ken's credibility will be undermined in a jury's eyes when they realise Ken and her are back living together. "We're not living together, we're just staying at the same address" is D's response - straight from the Bill Clinton School of "but I didn't inhale" Misguided Credibility and you begin to realise the size of the yawning gulf between the real world and the way it is viewed by Dreary. Is it really possible for anyone to be that gullible? But then desperation is a commodity plentiful in that individual. "All I want is for the two of you to stop fighting among yourselves, at least until the trial's over" she says, as the scene ends.

Jim "Street Fighting Man" Hamburger is at T'Caff - Gail comes to take his order. Jim says he could eat a horse - this might be one of the more imaginative choices on the menu at the Greasy Spoon, now that Roy is leading partner in the firm. Alas, no! It is a reference to the fact that Roy is busy daydreaming instead of preparing Jim's order - he is staring into thin air, obviously miles away, and we know what (or who) is on his mind. Gail launches into Peace Ambassador mode again "How's Steve?" to which Jim replies "Well Steve's the same as he always is", a few words that speak volumes. Not to be put off, Gail continues that he "seems a lot steadier than usual", putting this down to "Fiona's influence. Anyway, I hope that it works out for them"! You really wonder where the stupid woman has been these last few months and you also wonder whether there will be mass carnage as Jim decides to garrotte her. Roy come over with a bacon butty for Jim and apologises (NB to our North American friends, with an eSS and not a Zee) to Gail for turning down her kind invitation to nosh chez Platt. He's changed his mind, however, he'd feel happier doing the honours, so he invites Gail and Martin at 7.30 for 8 - and what is the location of this soiree? "Here!" To which Gail says "Here? As in here?" not quite believing that the Greasy Spoon could be where this cosy foursome get together. He really knows how to live this guy - mind you readers, we haven't seen anything of his flat these days - does he have a secret he wishes to hide? Are there bodies bricked up behind the fireplace? We won't know, because its T'Caff where he and Hayley will do the hosting. The scene ends with an uncomfortable sickly looking smile flickering onto Gail's face - 'er downstairs reckons it's down to the lemon Gail forgot to take out of her backside, but I'm sure Gail wouldn't use anything so common - kumquats maybe, lemons .... No I just don't see that.

Mike and Dreary are talking about D's legal representation in the forthcoming trial - D is telling Mike that beggars on legal aid only get to see their brief about half an hour before the court appearance. Mike is horrified and says that she needs someone to fight for her - he offers to get another barrister, paid for by him. "Why are you doing this?" asks D. "Because you're going to need all the help you can get. I know you're innocent and you're an old mate" is his response, but only on condition that no-one else, presumably Lama, knows about his offer.

Des walks into the garage to talk to Kevin - he refers to the conversation they had earlier regarding Samantha - "what exactly did you see?" he asks, but Kevin, ever the grease monkey, takes a leaf out of a relative's book - the wise monkey's adage of seeing nothing. He doesn't want to get involved.

Curly bursts into Emily's house all agitated - he's brandishing Toyota's anonymous letter and shows it to Emily, who starts reading it out aloud. "If you want to know who saboted..." but Curly quickly interjects "I think that means sabotaged....", Emily continues "... your freezer, she's stopping at Number 3 Coronation Street, I don't mean Mrs. Bishop and it wasn't Spider". (Poor Toyota, she's so thick she'd qualify to be a piece of 4 by 2 - as if Spider was a "she". .... unless, dear readers, we have the inkling of another TS storyline which will bode good tidings for Hayley - perhaps, Spider was previously a she and has crossed the divide and will form the perfect match for Hayley.) Curly points out that the letter was addressed to Curly Watts, not Mr. Watts and it had a local postmark - it must be someone who knows them. He asks for Emily's help, but Emily is not interested. Curly thinks that unless customer confidence is restored there could be redundancies, including his own. "You know very well who wrote that" he says, to which Emily says "Even if I do, I don't have any influence over her..." she suddenly realises her faux-pas and after a short delay adds " - or him". "Yes but you're related rather closely to someone who does" is Curly's reply. Emily promises to do her best, but Curly now has her on the ropes and he's going in for the big kill. "If this isn't solved and the police come round to interview this Log, it could be embarrassing for you - with Spider's Moroccan specials, I don't think they'll have to bring a sniffer dog with them, if you know what I mean". Emily is duly worried and goes into deep thought - I think we have a bull's eye there! Mind you, what goatskin leather has to do with the storyline beats me - it all sounds like a load of shit.

Roy sneaks up behind Hayley at Firman's - he recognises he made a mistake earlier regarding nosh chez Platt, but it's now Hayley's turn to take the huff "I really do not want to discuss this" is her retort. Roy explains that he's invited Gail and Martin over for nosh and wants her to lend a hand. "What, to do the washing up?" is her immediate reply. "No! No! Help me entertain them. You'd be better at that sort of thing than me. Please, Hayley, I really do want you to be there". The scene ends to the sound of a heavenly choir (well, it did in my head anyway) accompanying a big beam coming over Hayley's face. Hey lads, we're on again!

Cut to the Rovers. Steve "Plasticine Head" Hamburger is propping up the bar - Vampira (Nastily to you and me) asks "How's the baby?". "It's starting to smile" is PH's reply - Vampira who's been through these things before disabuses him "Take it from m