Friday 1 May

Hi there again folks! It's that time of the week again. Sunday and another update. I'm a bit behind this weekend - normally, I would start on Saturday morning and finish off on Sunday morning, but here we are on Sunday afternoon and I'm just starting! It's been a bit of a gruelling week from a work viewpoint, but a good one businesswise, so I mustn't grumble. Mind you, these days, by the time Friday afternoon comes around, my wife and I both feel and probably look like zombies after the week has taken its toll - the ravages of Anno Domini become harder to disguise and anyway, the pace of life is getting faster by the day. Anyway, in the UK, it's a public Bank Holiday weekend, which means that we have an extra day on Monday to add to the weekend to give us a chance to recuperate.

We tend to go out for a walk on Saturdays if the weather and we are up to it and yesterday was a lovely afternoon - three hours or so spent walking on the hills and moorland around the Duke of Devonshire's Chatsworth estate in Derbyshire. Get the boots on and just walk a few minutes away from the busy car park and you are virtually alone, apart >from the multitude of sheep and pheasants which are so tame they mug you for food when you have collapsed for a breather at the top of a hill. Yet a mile or so down the hill, the place is teeming with people - each to their own!

Tonight, we are taking out my mother-in-law for a meal - she is 89 on Tuesday and fighting fit - fighting being the operative word. She is one of those splendid examples of aged cantankerous individuals who would pick a quarrel with Mother Theresa, were she still alive! For a number of years she has been steadily getting more and more deaf, but her independent (euphemism for stubborn) nature mean she will not countenance a hearing aid. So conversations become very strained because everything has to be repeated loudly many times - after a while, you just give up! Her total lack of diplomatic skills also means that she passes highly embarrassing personal comments about people within their earshot at the top of her voice - at times, I am not sure whether it is deafness, ignorance or pure bloody-mindedness or a combination of all three factors, which controls this behaviour. Mind you, comments are not the only embarrassing things she passes - in common with a lot of older folk, she suffers from loose bowel syndrome, with the result that she will regularly fart loudly while talking to people, totally oblivious of what she has done! This is usually accompanied by much highly stifled mirth as we attempt to stop ourselves soiling our undies! Old age has certainly given her an excuse for saying the most outrageous things for which mere mortals would get locked up! A great cabaret act though, in small doses!

This week has also seen me, in common with a number of other RATUCSERS, in embracing IRC. No doubt, when I make my appearance in the bankruptcy courts as a result of the sky-high phone bills I am probably notching up, I wonder whether I'll be able to send the bill to Jacq in Canada, where the blame must firmly be laid. I must admit that I am deeply envious of the phone/cable system in Canada which allows for Internet access unrestricted by considerations of cost. I did hear a few months ago that my local Electricity supply company Norweb, had devised a new system in conjunction with Canadian telecoms company, Nortel, which will allow internet access via the electricity supply. An adaptor attached to the mains box apparently decodes internet signals and is able to provide speeds about 10 times faster than those available through conventional modem access at this stage. Roll on for this development and I hope it doesn't take too long to wend its way out here in the sticks. Currently, I am very jealous of our Canadian friends and those with academic internet accounts in the UK, where phone bills are not a consideration.

The last week has been very enjoyable on IRC making new friends and discovering existing fans! In particular, it has been really nice meeting fellow RATUCSERS, CP and our Ruth, both from Durham Uni. Ruth (the infamous belly-dancing librarian) and I enjoyed our first public gallop in the small hours of Saturday morning when we tuned in for the weekly quiz. The best way I can describe this event is like the Grand National starting 20 times over in one hour - fast, furious and frenzied - but with a lot more humour than the horsey event. Anyway, I got the distinct impression that our Roof was as breathless as I was with all this activity. Cybersex takes it out of you, you know!

As far as describing any joint activities in which CP and I may have been involved, I have a reputation to protect - mine, not his, which is beyond redemption - so I will agree to divulge nothing further to protect the various parties involved. Apart from a scary chat last night, with some individual alleging to be a WWW wrestler who wanted to know the sex of all those on the channel - I have been imagining the picture of him and CP meeting face to face and visualising the potential outcomes, trying to work out who would run away in fright first.

The other joy has been discovering popups and wavs on IRC - I'm getting quite a collection of these which are really good fun. I have decided to start collecting wav files of my hero, Fred Elliott, as played by John Savident. John is a local lad from my wife's home town of Ashton-under-Lyne - apparently, he went to the same local Grammar School and was in the same year as my brother-in-law. I don't know whether it is true, but I am told that he went into the police force after leaving school - now that conjures up a picture and a half, him reading the caution to the local villains. Great character, larger than life and great fun - one of the major presences on Corrie. The mental picture of him saying "Hello little budgie" to Mavis' pet is one of those memories which will bring back a chuckle to my dying days.

 

Anyway, onto business. Friday's episode sponsored by Cadbury's Astros, starts in the back room of the Rovers Return. Earlier in the week, you will recall that Jack Duckworth saw the hypnotherapist, Magenta Savannah, to help him cure his smoking addiction. He is revelling in his success at giving up the weed and extolling to Betty the virtues of breathing in all this lovely fresh air. Betty is cynical, a style which she carries out par excellence. He is free of his habit and goes onto marvel at the lovely perfume on Vera - when she tells him that it is washing up liquid, Jack carries on ecstatically doing his Bisto Kid impression "washing up liquid, eh - think what I've been missing all these years, Betty" as he goes out to get a whiff of the "Weatherfield ozone" and we wonder what sort of acid-trip he's been on! We have clue when we see a smirk on Jack's face as he leaves the room and we realise that we are witnessing a wonderful wind-up - heaven help him when the ruse falls apart! In the meantime, enjoy!

Betty is puzzled as to what is going on and Vera tells her "happen it's worked Betty, love, you know, that Magenta, I bet she's done it." Nasty Spumante and Orangina enter the room, to start the day's work. Vera tells Nasty that it looks as if Jack has been cured following the visit to the hypnotist and that she had put Jack into a trance and planted the suggestion that he should give up smoking. Nasty suggests that Magenta should have suggested that Jack upped their wages, but Vera has other ideas - if this works, she has a few other things in mind to be suggested to Jack.

As the girls cackle, Jack comes back into the room. Nastily asks him whether he has "been out for a puff", but Jack contemptuously tells her to wash her mouth out and then proceeds to ask Samantha what kind of washing up liquid she uses, much to everyone's bewilderment. He asks Nasty what was the score at the football match last night - she tells him that they lost one-nil. "Do you know they couldn't find the net even if they were deep-sea fishermen, you know next time, you want to get Des to take you to an away game. Still be a rubbish match, but at least you'll have a day out, won't you!" he advises her. This little faux-pas blows apart Nasty's little secret as Orangina realises that her ex, Des and Nasty have been out together. She glares, daggers drawn, at her colleague - if looks could kill!

We are chez Ashley Peacock - the post has arrived bearing a letter from the local nick from the guy who murdered Tilly's father RBrian. You will recall that Tilly got Leanne to write to the prisoner on his behalf - even though the letter is addressed to Leanne, when Tilly sees who it is from, he opens and reads it. He stuffs the letter into his pocket as Leanne comes downstairs and they leave the house for college and work, respectively.

Ashley also has to go to work. Zoe is still very upset and doesn't want him to go to work right now. He tells her he won't be long and reassures her that he will pop back after an hour.

He suggests booking an appointment for him and her to see the doctor because "you've been under a lot of pressure - a lot of stress - he might be able to give you something - something to make you better. You need help, Zoe, we need help. You have to see proper people, professional people, people who know what's what."

Zoe tells him that she has had "social workers and psychiatrists all my flaming life. I've had them talking to me in their soft snooty voices. Do you think they really care? Do you think they really want to help?"

Ashley says that he thinks they do, "don't they?"

"Right, well if they do, why did they keep losing my files? Why did they keep changing my social worker? Why did they keep swapping me from children's home to foster parents, foster parents to children's home?" is her plaintive cry.

"I don't know" replies Ashley, helplessly.

"No you don't" is her reply, as you start to realise the extent of the psychological damage she has suffered. "Go to work, Ashley, I said, go to work" as she breaks down in tears. Ashley looks on helpless.

Outside, Tilly is telling Leanne about the letter she's had from Whately. He reads out the letter. The prisoner thanks Leanne for writing to him, he doesn't get many letters, he likes her name, his parole board meets soon and that he would like to meet her. Leanne looks apprehensive "it's giving me the creeps, this" she tells him. Tilly doesn't see how she is reacting - he thinks it is brilliant news. She asks him what he wants to do next. He looks blank - blank the plank!

Gareh is on his way to work, saying goodbye to Judeh on the doorstep as Liz passes by in the street. Judeh asks Frizzie how Jim is getting on. "Still the same" is Liz's response and she thanks them for visiting Jim. Judeh asks what the next stage is. Liz tells them that she and Steve are going right now to see the consultant, so it depends on what he says.

As Liz goes on her way, Gareh remarks to Judeh that there is something "funny going on, there. Steve's acting odd!" (Why that should be newsworthy is beyond me - it's a case of "plus ca change" as far as I'm concerned - since when has Plasticine Head not been acting odd - at least now, he has a hard hat to keep in soft addled brain safely inside his cranium!) Gareh cannot put his finger on the problem, "it's just a feeling I get."

"Yes, like the feeling I've just had" says Judeh as she feels a twinge >from Mallett Minor, inside her tum. Gareh wonderws whether the baby is kicking already and puts his hand on her tummy.

As he does so, Zoe is coming out of Ashley's house - she sees what is going on. Judeh sees her and pulls Gareh's hand away. As Gareh shifts himself to go to work, there is a freeze frame as we see Judeh and Zoe staring at each other across the street, Judy is embarrassed, Zoe looks upset. At this Zoe, turns round sharply and goes back into the house.

Steve is leaving Fiona's to go to work - they are discussing whether they will be able to meet for lunch. At this point, Frizzie calls on him and together they go off arm-in-arm to visit Jim at the hospital.

At The Rovers, hostilities have clearly been declared by Orangina against Nasty Spumante. "So it's right what I hear about the football" she quizzes Nasty, who confirms that Des did take her to the match. "No skin off my nose, just can't see what the big secret's about" is Orangina's huffy reply. Nasty tells her that there is no big secret, which prompts the Tango Girl to wonder why Jack is making an issue out of it. When Nasty disputes that, Orangina says unconvincingly "like I said, no skin off my nose". "Good" says Nasty realising that she is in for a bumpy ride ahead.

It is nealry opening time as we see Jack is sampling the ale - Vera catches him and tells him off "Here, what do you think you're doing, we're just about to open up".

"What is this, wench?" replies Jack lapsing into Lusty Jack Johnson in his best Gummidgespeak.

"You what?" is Vera's puzzled response.

"I'll take my ale when I like. 'Tis a fine thing when a landlord cannot taste the fruits of his own barrel. Now be off to the scullery before I take thee across my knee."

Then lapsing back into Jackspeak "Nice spot of ale this!"

Ashley has just popped back to see Zoe - he tells her that he cannot be long as Maude will be waiting. Zoe tells him that he is really considerate and that she has never met anyone like that before. He is better than all the social workers she has had. Ashley asks whether there were any nice words and Zoe confides that there was a cleaner who was nice to her in her first children's home. She seeks reassurance that he would never put her into care and Ashley gives her that comfort. She apologies to him for all the hassle she has given him and comments on how he has been so good to her, kind and patient. Ashley wants to put all their problems behind them and looks forward to a new start. He suggests giving Shannon's things to Gary and Judy for their new baby, as a gesture. Zoe agrees but, although we can see that she is very upset, Ashley doesn't see the signals. As he goes back out to work, Zoe opens up a pack of cigarettes - it is empty. She opens her purse - she doesn't have enough money. She throws her purse down dejectedly.

Nasty and Orangina are still not really talking - in an attempt to warm the icy atmosphere, Nasty asks if there is any news on Jim. After fencing around verbally, with single word responses from Tango Girl, Nasty decides to grasp the nettle. She admits that she went to "a football match with Des, that's it, end of story". "Well, good, because, lie I said, it's no skin off my nose" replies TG, with Nasty finishing off the sentence in stereo with Orangina. Samantha is upset that Nasty kept the news from her - Nasty denies that was the case, but Sammy stomps out in a huff.

Enter Lusty Jack Johnson - "why, 'tis young Natalie, a lass for the taking, I'll be bound." He suggests going to the stable "while the harridan is still about her duties". "Jack, what are you on about?" is her puzzled response. Lusty Jack suddenly snaps back into Duckymode and asks if there is any more tea in the pot. Nasty looks at him bewildered.

Zoe has come into the Kabin - she asks Leanne for some cigarettes and opens the pack handed to her. It is clear that she does not intend to pay for them, as takes a cigarette out of the pack and lights it up. Leanne asks her what she is playing at, but Zoe says that Rita will not miss one packet and suggests that Leanne makes up the money. Leanne is not willing to play ball and asks for the money - she tells her that she likes the job and wants to keep it and asks her again for the money. Rita, hearing the raised voices, comes in from the bag and asks if there is a problem. Leanne tells her that Zoe has forgotten her purse. "I see, then I'm sure Zoe will pay us later, won't you" replies Rita. She then asks Zoe how she is feeling, sympathising because she has obviously been through a rough time. Zoe becomes increasingly irritated and snaps at Rita. "What's the matter with everyone around here? I spend months where no one will even give me the time of day and then, all of a sudden, I've got prayers and tears and sympathy everywhere I flaming well walk. Just get off my case, will you!" as she storms out of the shop. Rita and Leanne look shocked at Zoe's outburst and Leanne apologises to Rita. "Oh don't you apologise, love. That poor girl, she's just a fuse waiting to be lit", replies Rita. "All it will take is one spark - then God, help us" is her ominously prophetic statement.

End of part 1

The ads including one from pompous smug git aka Richard Branson advertising Virgin Holidays to Disney in Florida, a stupid pretty offensive stereotypical piss-take of Scandinavian people and one for MFI furniture (my mother-in-law calls them MI5, which raises an interesting picture in one's mind).

Part 2
Back at the Rovers, it's Fred Elliott asking for "my usual tincture, please, landlord" to which Lusty Jack responds to Orangina "wench take his lordship's horse round into the stables". Vera is realising that something isn't quite right as Lusty Jack asks for payment for the drinks "two groats, if you please". "And cheap at the price, tavern keeper, worth every farthing" is Fred's riposte.

Vera calls Jack - "who calls? 'Tis the shrew. What is it woman?" he asks. She tells him she'd like him to come through into the back. "Har, har, har, the magic of Lusty Jack still works its wonders, do you see?" he proclaims, "you've gotta wait your turn woman, I've got other wenches to service, afore thee, but if you go yonder and prepare my victuals, I might step in shortly".

Rita is telling St. Emilion that she was on the wrong side of Zoe's tongue earlier on this morning - she tells her that Zoe flew off the handle simply after being asked if she was alright. Fred joins the girls.

Rita tells Fred how Zoe has been reacting and about the way she struck St. Emilion the previous night. Fred is shocked, but St. Emilion tries to explain it away by stating that Zoe is under a lot of stress. Rita says she is under stress herself, but doesn't go round bashing folk. She wonders what would have happened had Gareh not been around when Zoe attacked St. Emilion.

Jack comes into the back room - when Vera makes a reference to Lusty Jack, Ducky doesn't seem to have any idea what she is talking about. She is bewildered and worried - clearly he needs his head examining. He isn't Lusty, he is hungry and he wants his dinner - he tells her she needs her head examining!

Orangina asks Vera what is the matter - "It's our Jack, he's reversed" is V's reply, taking on the mantle from the Hildas Baker and Ogden. "He's reversed, ever since he went to that hypnotist, he thinks he's somebody from a byegone age - he's just... reversed." "Regressed", corrects our Sammy, "No, you don't think he has".

Leanne has come back to Maison Peacock - she is furious with Zoe's behaviour in the Kabin. She asks what she thinks she is playing at and that she could have got the sack because of her. Zoe is clearly very upset and tells her she wants to be left alone. Leanne starts to calm down - she is disappointed being asked to steal by Zoe - mates don't do these things. Zoe clearly doesn't think the same way, but Leanne points out that times have changed.

"I know, I used to have a baby" is Zoe's tearful reply.

Leanne tries to reassure her that things will get better, but Zoe is not convinced "How do you know?" she asks.

"Well, they're bound to.... in time" is Leanne's naïve reply. (She has obviously not heard of my mother's maxim "Cheer up, things could get worse, so she did ... and lo, things got worse").

She tells her that they all care about her, but this brings about a surprised reponse from Zoe "Care about me? Why?" With that, she storms out of the house, bumping into Tilly as he makes his way in.

He is pre-occupied with this great idea he has had regarding Whately - he tells Leanne that Whately is likely to be released soon and that Leanne should write to him to find out when. However, she is upset at the state that Zoe is in and tells him to "Stuff him" as she races out after Zoe.

Frizzie Lizzie has arrived at the building site. Gareh is shovelling away at ground level - he calls Steve who asks how she got on at the hospital. She has nothing to report and Gareh says that, no doubt, they will tell her more when there is something more to tell "No news is good news".

Frizzie is curious to find out how the accident occurred and asks Steve to show her exactly what did happen. Steve gets tetchy and accuses her of wanting someone to pin the blame onto. She denies this. "Well, he was drunk, as usual" is Steve's evasive answer. She asks Gareh whether he can remember anything more but he is also unable to add to what he has already told her. He'd heard a crash and then Steve had shouted that his father had fallen. She wants to know whether he slipped but Gareh tells her he doesn't know.

Des is at the telling Nasty that he'd like to see her later but she is embarrassed and tells him that "certain people weren't impressed by our football match attendance", referring to Orangina. "You mean, Samantha, well what's it got to do with her, flaming cheek" he replies, not exactly keeping his voice down. Sam overhears the conversation, as Nasty tries to shush him up. As Nasty goes to the cashtill , Lusty Jack passes by and pinches her bottom.

Lusty Jack then comes up behind Betty at the bar. "Right my Betsie, it's time we had a roll in the hay" he tells her. He then pinches her bottom as well - she is not amused and slaps him around the face while Nasty looks on.

Two mothers are talking in the street - one is holding her baby - as Zoe walks by. She sees them, stops and then rushes back into the house, very obviously upset.

In the shop, Kev is telling Lizzie that he would be happy to take Jim back on. "At least it will give him something to look forward to" is Frizzie's relieved reply.

Fred has come into the shop. When the customers have left, he collars Ashley. He asks whether Ashley is aware that Zoe "has caused Emily Bishop grievous bodliy harm and that she bad mouthed Rita"? He tells Ashley that Zoe needs more than just a word - she needs psychiatric help, the Electric Chair! When Maude offers "You mean ECT" as a correction, Fred's riposte is "I know what I mean, thank you!" After talking further with Ashley, the lad promises to sort out the problem. After he leaves, Maude tells him that he shouldn't have the cares of the world on his shoulders at his age. He tells her that he'd had a chat with Zoe that morning and he feels that things will be better now, but Maude does not look at all convinced.

Gareh and Judeh are at home, about to have their tea. He tells her how Frizzie had come down to the site earlier in the day and that she had been enquiring how the accident had occurred. Steve had got defensive - although Gareh doesn't know what is going on, he is suspicious that Steve isn't telling him the full story.

There is a loud banging on the door - it is Zoe, whio is shouting outside. Gareh rushes to open the door.

Zoe is outside with Shannon's pram and the baby's clothes inside it.

She shouts at Gareh as he comes outside. "I'm helping you out, Gary, just like you helped me" says Zoe. "Oh, my mistake, you didn't help me, you used me" she continues. "You took my baby, you killed her".

Judeh looks upset as Gareh tells her to go inside.

"Go inside" announces Zoe to the gathering crowd of passers-by, "we wouldn't want the poor mother-to-be to get stressed out, eh?. Yes, she's pregnant, up the spout, didn't you know?" She picks up a can of lighter fuel and as Gareh moves towards her she tells him to keep away from her.

"Zoe, just listen to me" implores Gareh.

A crowd of onlookers is building up, including Fiona, Liz and Kevin.

"I did that already and where did it get me? I listened to you and where am I? My baby's dead and you just move on to another one. What are you, a flaming conveyor belt or summat?" She gets increasingly upset as Gareh tells her to calm down. She tells him that she will not calm down until they get what they deserve. "Ashley wanted me to give something for the baby and this is what I hope happens to it".

As she speaks she pours the lighter fuel onto the pram, lights a match and throws it on the pram. She pushes the pram towards Gareh. He falls while scrambling out of the way and then grabs Zoe.

As he does so, Kevin who has been watching the unfolding drama, rushes into the garage for the fire extinguisher, which he promptly uses to put out the fire.

Meanwhile, hearing the screaming in the street, Ashley runs out of the shop - he pulls Zoe away from Gareh and holds her. Gareh is furious and tells him that he is going to call the police. Ashley begs him not to do so as Zoe is upset. Gareh is not impressed - he had asked Ashley to control her, but he has been unable to do so and she is now out of control. Ashley pleads with him and reluctantly, Gareh agrees to let Ashley sort out the problem - he warns him that if there is the slightest repetition of her behaviour he will call the police and "she will end up where she belongs, banged up out of harm's way".

The episode ends with Ashley hugging a distraught Zoe, desperately trying to comfort her.

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Peter Mills
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well what a humdinger of an episode! The two extremes, comedy and tragedy.

The comedy superbly played by Bill Tarmey doubling as Jack Duckworth and Lusty Jack Johnson! He is a fine actor and it is wonderful to see him playing the part with such deft skill. Hamming it up and completely over the top - he's enjoying every minute of the wind-up. My God, when Vera rumbles him, there'll be fun.

Tragedy played out superbly by Zoe and Ashley. Steven Arnold is a fine actor as has been commented more than once on RATUCS, playing his part with great care and sensitivity. Tonight we have seen an award-winning performance from Joanne Froggatt as Zoe Tattersall. I have never liked the character before, but tonight, you got underneath the skin and understood for the first time, with real raw emotion, why she is the way she is. You cannot help but feel sorry for this poor girl, who is so badly damaged psychologically by the previous events in her unhappy childhood. This is acting of the finest kind, when you can forget your prejudices and preconceptions - when you can swing from disgust and anger to love and pity. I have misjudged this girl.

For those who criticised the storyline when it was first trailed, perhaps you will agree that it is a harrowing story, but brilliantly and sensitively portrayed. We live in a world of increasing crime and while deprivation is no excuse for crime, perhaps if we take the trouble to understand the deep-rooted social causes and try to attack them in our war on crime, then we will be tackling the real culprits and not just the symptoms. We all want to be wanted and need to be loved and the failure to satisfy those basic needs can have tragic consequences.

Phew... stiff drink time....

And that's about it for now - see you same time, same place, a week from now.

Take care now....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 3 May

Squadron Leader Biggles sat in the officers' mess after the debriefing. His men had all returned safely from the latest mission, bar one. An air of gloom and despondency hung over the room as the brave aviators pondered the fate of their colleague. In the pitch of battle, they had all been too busy to notice whether he had been shot down, or simply got lost on the way back.

Suddenly, Algy jumped to his feet. "Quiet lads", he shouted, "what's that sound ?". They rushed to the window, peering through the gloom of the early evening mist. The noise grew louder, the irregular beat of a misfiring Merlin engine sounding like music to their ears as the battered airframe appeared from the mist and touched down on the runway.

"Hurrah !". "Tail-end Charlie" Laird was back, low on fuel after getting hopelessly lost before finally finding his way back to the RATUCS squadron HQ, Corriedays. He was grounded for a month until he had learnt to prepare his mission briefing *before* taking off. Sorry, sorry, sorry !

We'd better press on...

Act 1
Leanne and Nicky are just leaving Ashley's house. [No doubt there was some snippet of conversation prior to this, but ITV sent out Sunday's episode about two minutes early again. That's it - a letter's going off off to the ITC complaints people about this.] Ashley tells Zoe he is worried about her not having eaten anything for nearly a day. She is not interested in his concern and tells him to go to work, but he wants her to go with him to the shop, and to the Mallett's house as well. Her response is a forceful "no way !". She doesn't care what people think about her, saying "I'm a nasty piece of work, me.". She was quite pleased at the frightened look on Gary's face as he shoved the blazing pram at him. Ashley tells Zoe he is going to see the doctor about her, as she needs help. Sorry, "'elp".

Natalie and Betty arrive at the Rovers to start work. They complain to Vera about Jack's behaviour the previous day. Vera suggests he is not responsible for his actions, having regressed to a previous life [in which he did no real work either, it would appear !]. She goes on to tell them how she doesn't know what triggers the appearance of "Lusty Jack". [It's every time you mention work, you daft bat !] Jack is brought in for questioning. He appears shocked at the allegations of impropriety behind the bar, claiming to have no memory of harassing Natalie and Betty. As his Worzel Gummidge impression takes over again, Vera hussles him back out of the bar.

Ahh! A cosy little family scene at Fiona's flat, with her and the baby, and the Ungrateful Undead, who is on the phone to Liz. "I've got a business to run !", he tells her, cutting her off. He tells Fiona he is fed up with seeing his Mum at the hospital, she keeps treating him as if he has something to hide. Fiona backs this up - she tells him he is definitely behaving in a strange manner. [Good God, he's not acting, is he ?] Steve punches the angry button, announcing he is not a liar. Fiona moves in for the kill, wondering if she had made a mistake taking him back and asking him to move in ? [In the background, we hear the radio playing "Big Mistake" by Natalie Imbra... Natalie Imroo, Imm, oh bloody hell the sexy sultry one from Neighbours. Someone's having a lot of fun with the background music these days !]

Ashley is talking to Maud, telling her that he cannot persuade Zoe to see a doctor. [Maud's response will appear in the summary at the end.] Maud asks him if he has sought Martin's advice. On cue, Martin walks in. He tells them Zoe is probably past counselling - he thinks she really isn't well. He suggests the poor girl could be sectioned, if necessary. "Locked up ?", asks Ashley. Well, in a hospital, for a few days, before being allowed to leave. Martin says there is always something can be done. ["Nurse ! Bring the electrodes..."]

Back at the Rovers, Lusty Jack is bemoaning the loss of his trusty mares. No, no, not Betty and Natalie ! He tells a bewildered Vera that he needs twenty guineas from the till before going to see a man about a horse. [Lucky Man, 3.30 at Weatherfield ?] Des arrives in the bar and immediately starts chatting to Natalie, under Samantha's venomous looks. He asks Natalie out that evening. We see Jack arriving at the bookies.

Quick flip to Des' house, where Natalie is asking him what he is playing at, is he rubbing salt in Samantha's wounds on purpose ? Is this his only motive for taking her out ? He tells Natalie he genuinely likes her, and that they're doing nothing wrong at all. They agree to proceed with the evening's plans.

Ashley returns home, to find Zoe sitting at the kitchen table, idly cutting off chunks of her own hair. She stares at him, blankly.

Intermission
Boring. Condescending to Italians. Overblown. Irritating. Unfunny. Trainspotting [raised a chuckle that one]. Very boring. Fortunately for me, I can fast-forward, and you can simply page down to...

Act 2
No sooner have we seen Zoe's attempts at home hairdressing than a female doctor arrives at the house. Ashley is worried how Zoe is going to take this. "Let's see, shall we ?" replies the doctor. She tries to engage Zoe in conversation about her unusual hairstyle [needless to say, it has the makings of something a little more interesting than the lank style of old]. Zoe is dismissive of this small talk, saying there is no need for Ashley to be worried about her, and asks the woman to leave. The doctor persists, suggesting that Zoe might be trying to punish herself. Zoe looks straight at Ashley - angry that the doctor knows what has happened. The doctor tells Zoe that she needs help, a few days in hospital. Her social worker has been informed, and agrees. She goes on to say that if Zoe won't go voluntarily, she can be made to go. Zoe looks at Ashley and slowly shakes her head at him.

At the hospital, Steve is sitting with Jim, as some strange gurgling noises come from the big man's throat. [What's that, a pint of your finest, Sandy ? Maybe not.] Steve panics and calls for the nurse, just as Liz arrives. Liz tells him to calm down, telling him this has happened before, it's just the tube in Jim's throat blocking slightly. Steve is alarmed - he had thought his Dad was dying. Almost emotion !

Zoe has packed a bag, but refuses to leave the house with the doctor if Ashley is coming with them. He tells her he will visit. "Don't come near me. In fact, I don't ever want to see you again !", she replies. Poor Ashley.

Jack is returning from the bookies as the ambulance draws up outside Ashley's house. As Zoe gets in, she stares at Ashley, who looks sick. [This look inspired no doubt by standing outside Maine Road as the light blue supporters realise that Man City are going down again next season, to entertain the likes of Macclesfield Town. Ha ha !]

Jack enters the bar, telling Vera he has been unable to buy any horses, and has a quiet smirk to himself. Oh my God, he has been fooling us all the time ! [Since about 15 seconds into the scene in the hypnotist's in fact...]

Nicky is doing his best to console Ashley, who is gutted. Ashley worries that this is the first proper home that Zoe has had, people have trusted her, and now what is going to happen ? He leaves to relieve Maud, who has been on her own in the shop all this time [Ashley, you are genuine star !]. Leanne arrives, to be told of Zoe's new accommodation, "what, the loony bin ?", she asks. Nicky asks her is she has written the next letter for Darren in prison. She sighs meaningfully, and disappears.

In the battlezone, Natalie is applying her war-paint. Samantha is interrogating her about Des. They bitch uninterestingly.

Leanne has written the letter. Nicky thinks it is a bit too short to get Darren's attention. [I hope you appreciate the effort I have to go to to think up new innuendo for both buses !] Leanne is nervous about revealing too much. Nicky has a bright idea and fishes out a recent photo of his wife. "That'll really get him interested !" he says. "Forget it", shouts Leanne, and strops off. Unfortunately, she doesn't take the photo with her...

Lusty Jack is in the back room, marvelling at the "picture box". Vera attempts to explain electricity to him, but gives up, telling him that she and Betty will manage behind the bar. Both Jacks smile as she leaves the room. Vera apologises to Betty for Jack's absence. She is going to see the hypnotist again.

Steve and Fiona are falling over themselves apologising to each other for the things they had said earlier. Obviously feeling guilty, Steve asks Fiona to sit down while he tells her about the scare at the hospital when Jim was apparently choking. Steve says that as he left the hospital, he had half-hoped that his Dad *had* died, and then no-one would have found out the truth about the accident. "Go on" says Fiona. As he tells her about Jim's arrival and drunken behaviour at the building site, Fiona guesses that they had been fighting again. She realises Jim's accident wasn't all it seemed to be.

This episode was written by Mark Wadlow.

Quite a lot of serious stuff tonight. The Lusty Jack joke is wearing very thin. Tension is mounting as we wonder what is going to happen next to Zoe and Ashley, whether Jim will wake up and/or everyone finds out that Steve more or less toppled him off the scaffolding, what fate is about to befall Leanne, how will Vera exact her revenge on Jack ? We don't care about Natalie and Sam and Des though. On the romantic front, the question of the day is: when is Hayley returning ?

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2
(Half a star for Steve and Fiona actually managing a small amount of believable make-believe.)

Best line: On hearing that Zoe won't go to a doctor, Maud replies "A doctor ? An exorcist, more like !". Cruel, aren't I ?

Best scene: Pick any scene with Ashley and Zoe. These two are doing so well, they often don't need any dialogue at all to convey what they feel.

 

Toodle pip !

John


Monday 4 May

Life at Dewey Towers has been uneventful of late, apart from a little flurry of excitement on Sunday; but nothing to write home about really. In fact I won't mention it again. This is a Coronation Street Newsgroup - perish the thought!

Seriously though, thank you to everyone who mailed and posted. Now I really won't mention it again.

OK. Cut the waffle Dewey. What happened in Weatherfield on Monday 5th May 1998, and on a similar date in the mid 1700s? Plough on, dear reader, and you might enjoy this episode as much as I did.

Ashley is distraught. He believes he has betrayed Zoe by being instrumental in her departure at the hands of 'the caring profession'. Leanne tries to comfort him, tries to reassure him that he did the right thing, and that one day Zoe will thank him. Tearfully he leaves to go to work.

As Ashley leaves, the void is filled by Nick. Or perhaps not. He reminds Leanne about his plans for her to write to Darren Whately, and that because he thought she had forgotten, 'here's one I prepared earlier' (That one's for UK viewers!). Leanne is horrified to see that the letter, which he expects her to sign, has her photograph clipped to it - 'you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? I don't want to do it.'

Above the salon, Fiona is giving Steve the third degree. Why didn't he tell her all this before, instead of bottling it all up? He explains that he though that 'everybody would think he did it because he hates his father'. Fiona thinks that she is to be considered as something above 'everybody'. She wants the truth, Steve is insistent that he didn't cause Big Jim's fall deliberately, but he had to retaliate against Jim's belligerence - he did push him. Fiona tells him to explain this to Liz, Steve quickly scotches this idea - it's between the two of them. He explains why - if Jim ends up permanently incapacitated, he, as the site contractor, will be liable - he'll be ruined. Fiona is horrified - Jim's the one who is ruined, but if he does come out of his coma, he's going to be the one to tell the truth. Steve hadn't considered that aspect.

Leanne is still trying to tell Nick that she won't be Darren Whately's penfriend, she's angry that Nick has taken no notice of her feelings - and demonstrates by tearing up the letter. She asks him to drop the whole idea, which he reluctantly seems to agree to.

In the back room, she was everybody's darlin'. No, not Candy from Miami FLA, but our Vera, stirring a pot of tea. Jack enters with a lecherous look on his face, and a pint in his hand. So early in the day, Jack? Uh-oh, he's in Lusty Jack mode. He extols the virtues of good old English ale against that upstart foreign drink, tea, finishing with a 'God save the King' and suddenly becoming our Jack again. Vera is getting frightened by these dual personalities, and she should know because she's sure she's been reincarnated. Jack reckons there's nowt to this reincarnation lark, but if there were, knowing his luck, he'd probably come back as a Man City supporter.

Chez Natalie, she and Sam are getting ready for work, but Sam rejects the offer of a lift in Natalie's car. Sam's being deliberately awkward, accuses Natalie of wanting her out, and eventually states that she will look for somewhere else to live, and move out as soon as she can. Natalie seems quite content at this.

Fred Elliott enters the bar with a cheery cry of 'Innkeeper???' Jack comes over in fake Lusty Jack mode, and they both chuckle over how he is still getting away with this harmless jape.

Betty (you remember her, Betty Williams) and Sam are both at the till. Natalie comes over to use the till and Betty senses friction. Sam tells her that Natalie has told her to move out, find someone else to live. Betty, the class snitch, goes straight to tell teacher, Mrs Duckworth. Jack, in Jack mode, calmly says that she can move in to the spare room at the Rovers, because he wouldn't see her out on the streets. Vera very firmly puts that idea out of his mind!

Nick arrives home at lunchtime, and is pleased to find the house empty. He has prepared another letter to Darren Whately on the college WP, and is now looking for an old Christmas card from which to copy Leanne's signature. Oooh you rat, Nick! He finds another photo of Leanne and seals the envelope up.

We're back in the Rovers, and Vera is telling Jack to pull his weight and collect glasses. Natalie is putting Betty straight on the 'Sam's moving out' story. And look! There's Roy at the far side of the bar! Jack is collecting glasses, as instructed, when suddenly Lusty Jack gets an attack of kidney stones, and tells Vera that the Apothecary told him he must rest. She hurries him off to the back to rest.

Roy has seen this, and Vera explains about the Magenta Savanna regression. Roy is excited, because Lusty Jack's reminiscences of life in Weatherfield in the 1700s could be a mine of information. Taking his notebook from his trusty shopping bag, he says he must see Jack 'while he's in this state'. Vera says she doesn't want him 'in this state' and suddenly gets the idea to go off to see Magenta Savanna herself. Roy still wants to get to Jack because 'Mrs Duckworth, we could learn so much about the past'. 'Beggar the past, I want me husband back'. A wonderful comic moment follows, Vera says 'He keeps waking me up in t'night, kicking me out o'bed, slapping me backside, saying 'get back to the village', <pulls Dame Edna Everage face> 'well I've 'ad enough'.

Now. How long is it since Jim's accident? Liz is talking to him, hoping he can hear, and he hasn't even got the five o'clock shadow he would have had at the time of the accident, let alone several day's growth. Do they shave you in hospital? Nurse Platt? Where are you? I think this mystery should be cleared up. She's telling him how wonderful he was when they were first married. Is it a flicker of recognition? His eyelids flutter and he moves his head. 'Nurse, Nurse screams Liz, oblivious to the conditions preferred in Intensive Care.

END OF PART ONE

Nursey comes to investigate, but soon disabuses Liz of the idea of improvement. Apparently 'Involuntary Muscle Action' is not uncommon in coma patients. Where is Nurse Platt when you need him? What a bedside manner that man's got. Liz still holds hope because he /did/ move his head.

Vera arrives at Magenta Savanna's consulting rooms to find a new shiny brass plate on the front door advising 'Magenta Savanna, Tarot Reader'. She's in full Gypsy Rose Lee garb. ''Ere, I thought you were an hypnotist', says Vera. 'Hypnotherapist' corrects La Savanna, 'Wednesdays and Fridays. Mondays and Thursdays I do readings from the cards and peeps into the crystal ball.' This woman could have been scripted by Victoria Wood - 'Mmmm. You'll not always be where you are now....I'm seeing a bungalow <smile>' Wonderful stuff!!! Vera wants to know what she's going to do about Jack's past.

Jack's present is taking full advantage of the apothecary's instruction to take it easy. He appears to be asleep while Betty ushers Roy and his notebook into the back room. Conveniently, he wakes up, in Lusty Jack persona, and asks who is there. Realising that he knows it's Roy, he says 'I know 'ee, 'ee be the pox doctor's clerk. There is no pox in this house'. Betty gets a better line than usual - ' ohhhh, he's with the pixies is this one, I'll leave him to you.'

Roy introduces himself to Lusty Jack Johnson. He wants to talk about life, state of the Nation, and so on. Lusty Jack wants to talk about women, so if Roy wants to talk, they can go into his tavern and Roy can wet Jack's whistle.

In the Street, note the snow lying, Nick posts his letter to Darren Whately.

In the Kabin, Leanne is troubled. She asks if Rita knew Brian. Rita did, of course. Leanne has to tell her everything, about the life sentence meaning release in a few weeks, the original correspondence between her and Whately and Nick's plan to write again with a photo. Rita is horrified.

Vera is trying to get her money back from Magnolia Soprano, who is suggesting that she should by rights be charging for this interview. And anyway, this Lusty Jack sounds far more fun than the feller she brought in for hypnotherapy. Magnolia starts to work on Vera, she tells her she gets a feeling for people who would be good regression subjects, and Vera is certainly one - 'I would say,......., that you've been a Queen in your time'. 'Well between you and me...... <sotto voce, looks round> I've got Royal blood'. A triumphant Magnolia beams 'I knew it! Get on the settee and I'll give you the session at half price!'. ''Ang about', says Vera, 'I came here about our Jack. You were supposed to stop him smoking'. 'And has he?'. 'Well, yes, but....' 'Well there you are then! Now just lie down and relax........Has anyone ever told you...you've a look of Cleopatra?'. 'Well as a matter of fact, they 'ave. It were a feller. He told me to lie down and relax an' all.'

Under the watchful eye of Fred Elliott, Roy is questioning Lusty Jack about life in Weatherfield 250 years ago. He wants to know what the popular sports and pastimes are in these parts. 'Wenchin' and quenchin'' apparently. Man goes into the woods 'Wenching' and then comes back to the tavern very thirsty, so he needs quenching.

Natalie confronts Sam about the 'Natalie has chucked me out' deception. Sam retaliates that 'It's what you wanted isn't it?' and adds that it doesn't matter, she's found somewhere to live, she's moving back into Curly's. And he wasn't even in the episode! Sam reminisces - she thought Natalie was a real friend, but then she stole Des from her. 'Stole him?' questions Natalie, 'you gave him away. And not so long before you were trying to avoid marrying him, and then you had it off with Chris Collins'. Sam encourages Natalie to ask Des why Sam is 'the way she is'.

We're back at the history lesson. In the background we see Fiona leading Maxine from the bar. Surprising, because Maxine does not speak in this scene, nor appear elsewhere in this episode. But the beauty is Roy's next question just as the aforementioned vegetables leave the bar:

'So. There has been no shortage of turnips in Weatherfield these past few years then?'

Magnificent.

Fred is trying to help out here, but Jack affirms that there's been a positive glut of turnips. To Roy, this means that Lusty Jack's Weatherfield is after the Great Turnip Blight of 'the hungry thirties', so this must be 1742, 1744 perhaps? Lusty Jack asks why Roy doesn't know what year it is - it's 1746. Even better, says Roy, because that means Lusty Jack must have memories of last year's great events. (Hmmm thinks Dewey. 1745. Battle of Culloden?) Jack is lost, but Roy reminds him that the Scots army marched through Weatherfield on their way to London.

Fred senses this getting out of hand, and calls for some more beers.

Lusty Jack can't out-bluff Roy on history, and gets his Bonnie Prince Charlie hopelessly confused. Fortunately, in the nick of time, Jack Duckworth reappears. Phew, that was close! - ''Ello Roy, didn't see you come in, son'

In number 4, Nick is berating Leanne for involving Rita. Rita sticks up for Leanne, and tries to talk sense into him. What was he hoping to achieve? What was he planning on doing if he met up with Darren Whately?

We're back in Emergency Ward Ten, where Liz rounds on Steve and tells him that this was his fault. All he had to do was make it up with Jim, or offer him a job when he first asked. This doesn't please Steve, who reminds her that she is as much to blame for Jim's previous state, what with sleeping with his best mate, making his life a misery, divorcing him. 'You, more than me, made him end up like this - he may as well be dead'

Nick is still moaning about it not being fair that Whately gets out soon, but his Dad's dead. Rita is still pushing to learn Nick's intentions - he admits he wanted to set a trap, and that Leanne would be the bait. She wonders what would happen if Whately knew Nick was playing games with him - we all know what he's capable of, don't we? Leanne thinks it that it's all over now, but Nick then admits that he signed a second letter, with her photo, and posted it an hour ago. And it's got No4, Coronation Street, as the reply address.........

And that, as Nigel Worsfold would say, is your lot.

Episode written by John Stevenson, with, I rather fancy, a little inspiration from Victoria Wood.

Dewey


Wednesday 6 May

Dear Update Readers,

It's been a funny old week, all things considered. So much so that I don't really know where to start.

Yesterday saw an important milestone: C and I celebrated our second anniversary. No, I can't believe it either: two whole weeks together! Who would credit it? (Don't think I'm joking either: on this bus - Dewey take note - anything longer than one night signals serious commitment, believe me). It's one in the eye for certain friends of mine who said it wouldn't last - especially those who still think I'm only with him for the free taxi rides. As if!

The second bit of news is that last week I came into some money. (Yes, I know there's a smutty joke in there somewhere about soggy £5 notes, as Ruth Carey was quick to point out). But I'm serious. I rarely have anything wonderful in my life to boast about, so I'm making no apologies for broadcasting this. If you've got it, flaunt it, as Glenda would say. Okay, so £12,000 ain't exactly a fortune, and I won't exactly be able to hand in my notice and retire to the Maldives, but it's better than a smack round the head with a wet haddock and it will keep me in Oil of Ulay until well after the Millenium. The only snag is that I can't touch it until my birthday - August 31st - which thus rules out any chance of my buying a round at the Ping come the 16th of this month. And before anyone asks, I'm not going to the Blackpool bash in October! And besides, there are some important charity donations that I have to consider, among them the QMHRRB and the Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds.

The third snippet of news is that my mother rang me at the weekend to tell me that she is planning a trip to Lourdes. "Lourdes?!" I screamed. "But you don't even like cricket!" This went straight over my mother's head, and at this point my father grabbed the phone from her and shouted: "I don't know why she's going to Lourdes either; after all there's nothing wrong with her. Nothing apart from her respiratory problem anyway." "What respiratory problem?" I asked. "The fact," laughed my father, "that the silly cow won't stop breathing!" My mother shouted: "I'll phone you later", and the line went dead. (My mother is not the world's greatest joke lover, and she only ever attempts to tell them herself when she's half-cut on Tia Maria. And even then she butchers them beyond recognition. The last one I recall was her attempt at a Mae West one-liner, which eventually came out as: "Are you going to shoot me or is that an erect penis in your pocket?", or words to that effect). Anyway, half an hour later she phoned back. The upshot was that she wanted to know whether I'd like to accompany her to Lourdes. "But, touch wood, there's nothing wrong with me either," I said. "Why should I go to Lourdes?" "What about your migraines?" she said. "I don't get that many these days," I replied, "and besides, knowing my shitty luck, I'd probably go there to cure my headaches and come back paraplegic." "Well," she said, "you know that it's not only *physical* ailments that people go to cure..." I guess that I should have seen this coming, I know, but the temerity of the woman left me momentarily speechless. Fumbling for words, I told her that it was out of the question. "Anyway," I said, "I'm not a great fan of Saint Bernadette. I much prefer Joan of Arc. In fact, I'd quite like to *be* like Joan of Arc." "What do you mean?" she said. "Oh, you know," I replied, "chained and bound on top of a load of faggots!" And then it was my turn to put the phone down. Needless to say the offer of a free trip to Lourdes was withdrawn shortly afterwards.

But easily the most momentous happening of last week was, without a doubt, the clatter and bang of a closet door bursting open as Peter 'Dewey' Dewhirst made a mad dash for that other bus. And how the messages flooded into RATUCS, each one an encomium from the heart. I've never met Dewey, and up until three weeks ago I'd never spoken to or corresponded with him either, which is why I feel so privileged to have been the first 'in the know'. I have spoken to him quite a lot since, however, and can attest - along with all those who have actually met him - that he is a lovely chap, and one whom life has been shortchanging for far too long. Let's hope it all changes for him now. And that's all I'm saying on the matter. (I know Dewey's going to the London gathering on May 16th, and I'm trying to get Terwur to come too. At this rate there'll be more old queens at the Ping than you'd find at a royal wedding!)

But enough of this banter! On we go to the update:

What medication, exactly, is Tilly taking? OK, so the oestrogen supplements we know about, but what else is he popping? He's been married no more than a month or two and already he's sending photographs of his wife to a known murderer; I thought you only did that when you'd been married for a few years and felt like a radical change of direction. Anyway, there's a method in his madness; not much of a method, but it will do. He's using Leanne as bait to trap Darren Whately, the guy who put an end to RBrian all those years ago. (I don't know about twenty years, but I'd have given the poor sod a medal). Anyway, Leanne's consternation at this prospect is such that Tilly has now been forced to phone the prison and ask the guards to intercept the letter before Whately receives it. The episode begins with Tilly doing just this, but to no avail: the letter is on its way to Whateley and nothing can stop it. Understandably, Leanne is shitting bricks, for Whately is due out of prison any day now. Tilly sighs and simpers and minces about a bit, arms folded, in an attempt to look both frustrated and contrite. (He's also wearing a black T-shirt, which sets of his 'Miss Pears' blond tresses beautifully. Blonde on black is always I winner, I think, and especially in Tilly's case: after all, the light gets absorbed by the black and then doesn't have a chance to bounce off his zit like it usually does). At the end of the scene, Ashley descends the stairs to announce that he is off to work and planning to see Zoe in his lunch break. Tilly and Leanne both ask him to give her their regards.

In the backroom of the Rovers, Vera is serving breakfast to "Lusty Jack Johnson": four rashers of bacon, three eggs - and a mug of ale, brought in by Betty Williams. Vera wants Jack to hump some crates, but since he's in "Lusty Jack" mode there's no chance of that. (Now we know Vera is not the brightest of bunnies, with an IQ barely higher than room temperature, but given the number of scams that Jack has pulled in the past, hasn't she realised yet that all this Lusty Jack business is simply a ploy to avoid work? Even Betty Williams has twigged, and she makes Forrest Gump look like Plato). Vera asks Betty whether she'll hump the crates instead, whereupon Betty replies that she can't hump anything, not at her age anyway. Lusty says that he thinks he'll have a bath, which Vera asks Betty to run for him. "How about if I run him a cold bath and push him under?" Betty asks. "I could do *that*"

At the Weatherfield Home for the Eternally Bewildered, Zoe is in some kind of day room, looking out the window. The door opens, for it is Ashley. Zoe is pleased to see him and smiles affectionately. She tells him that she's been looking at the bird's nest in the tree outside her window; she thinks it's a blackbird, and it's been pulling up worms. (I'm sure that there was meant to be something deeply meaningful in this, but I couldn't quite get it. Answers, please, on a postcard). Anyway, the good news is that her section will soon be over and she will be released within a day or two. She also asks whether Ashley thinks Judeh would come to see her once she's out. For Zoe is now a remorseful little poppet with some apologising and explaining to do. (Hopefully she'll also get her hair seen to, although I have to say that even in this dire state it is probably better than anything that's ever emerged from 'Hair by Fiona').

At the hospital, Steve is keeping vigil by Jim's bedside - you know, one of those vigils where you sit next to someone in a vegetative state and read the paper. Before long, La Mouton appears. (This was a priceless moment in our house, for just as La Mouton appeared on the screen, a car alarm in our street went off and C shouted: "Trollope alert! Trollope alert!' No? Well I suppose you had to be there.) Anyway, La Mouton wants to know what's happening. "Has he moved or made any sound? Has anyone been in to see him?" she asks. "Only the nurse in blue with the curly hair," says Steve. La Mouton can't stand it any longer; she wants to know what's happening, and what chance Jim has of recovery. Steve, ever the optimist says: "Well it doesn't look very good to me." He then proceeds to cast aspersions on the comatose brickie's integrity. "Maybe he's not in a coma at all," Steve suggests. "Maybe he's just putting it on, just to get his own back." (Priceless line this, coming from someone who acts as though he is actually in a coma while pretending to be conscious). Liz is incensed at the very notion. "What have you been saying to him?" she screeches. "Nothing," says Steve. "Since he's in a coma, I didn't think there was any point." Liz can stand the uncertainty no more and goes off to find a doctor who can put her mind at rest.

At the Mallet residence, Ashley is telling Judeh all about his visit to see Zoe. Both of them admit to feeling just a tad guilty, with Judy claiming that she also holds herself partly responsible for what has happened. Her face light up, however, when Ashley says that Zoe wants to see her when she is released from hospital.

Back at the hospital, La Mouton has buttonholed a consultant and is grilling him on Jim's chances of recovery. The consultant says there is no reason why Jim should not make a full recovery. He cannot promise anything, however. (All I'd want to know if I were La Mouton is "If Jim recovers, will he ever say 'so it is' again? Will he call Alec 'Sandy', or Gary 'Scooby'? And will he ever wear that manky old tank-top again? If so, pull the sodding plug out now!"). The consultant says that it is early days, and that they're doing everything they can for him. La Mouton wants to know what will happen if Jim stays like this forever, and that she needs to be prepared for the worst. "Nothing will be done without your consent," says the consultant. "You mean, turn off the machines?" asks Steve, hopefully. La Mouton ignores Steve and asks the consultant whether Jim's memory will be affected. (This is an obvious side-swipe at Cadaver Boy, whose only wish, if Jim has to survive at all, is that he do so with total amnesia). The consultant says that there is no reason why Jim's memory will be affected. (How tragic! I mean, would you like to come out of a coma and remember that you're an alcoholic brickie with no job and even less dress sense? Poor bugger - stay where you are, mate, you've got more going for you.) Anyway, the consultant says that they should be prepared for anything, and that if it does come down to turning off the life-support machine, it will be a decision for Jim's next-of-kin to make. Steve looks at La Mouton, and La Mouton looks at Steve. "That's you," she says. "It's *your* decision."

Back at the Rovers, Natalie tells Vera that the bitter has finished and the barrel needs changing. Vera asks Jack to do it, but naturally at this very moment he regresses back to Lusty Jack Johnson. Lusty, of course, does not know the meaning of the word 'work'; moreover, he feels faint and needs fresh air. Slyly stuffing a packet of fags into his pocket, he announces his decision to go walking 'on the heath'. As he leaves, Vera asks Natalie to change the barrel. "If I break my ankle doing it," says Natalie, "I'll sue that hypnotherapist". (Funny Natalie should mention breaking her ankle, because Ruth Carey twisted hers badly yesterday, sliding down a barrister).

At this point, our old mate Roy walks in, bag in hand. He's come for a bottle of cider, but not to drink, oh no. Out of his trusty bag he fishes a cookery book ("How We Used To Eat") of ancient recipes, one of which - Port Wellington? Pork Wellington? - is cooked in cider. "It's a dish they used to eat in Lusty Jack's time," says Roy. "I'm sure he'd know it." Roy then throws caution to the wind and asks Vera whether she's convinced that Lusty Jack is a real character or just a Jack Duckworth scam. "Oh yes," says Vera, "he's in a time warp alright!" Roy points out the fact that when he quizzed Jack on certain historical facts - such as the nationality of Bonnie Prince Charlie - Jack gave all the wrong answers. Vera wonders why, given that the aforementioned Prince passed through Weatherfield only last year to open the new abattoir. "No, not Prince Charles!" says Betty, "but Bonnie Prince Charlie, from hundreds of years ago." Gradually Vera twigs on that Jack has been lying all along, and that Lusty Jack is just a figment of his twisted imagination. "I'll take that," says Vera, snatching the recipe book from Roy's hand, and disappears into the backroom to cook up a storm.

Back at the hospital, Steve is wolfing down loads of humble pie as he shows contrition for pushing Jim through the scaffolding. "I'm sorry, forgive me. I didn't want it to work out like this," he says. "How was I to know that the scaffolding would give way and you would fall?" Jim lies motionless, as we have come to expect. Steve, who is not used to apologies of any shape, size or colour, is exasperated at his father's silence: here he is, begging forgiveness, and no-one can hear him. "Can't you just twitch or something to show me that you can hear me?" he says. (Wonderful! "Can't you just twitch"? Who does Steve think is lying there, Martin Platt?). And then, with no further ado, Steve gives up the apologies as a bad job and reverts to type. "Anyway, what did you think you were doing, climbing up that scaffold full of booze? What do you expect? You were looking for trouble! And now you're putting me through all this! Well, I'm not to blame - it's all your fault, do you hear!!" By this time, Steve is ranting, and when La Mouton appears, as she does towards the end of Steve's diatribe, she is furious. "What the hell is going on?" she screeches. The McDonalds are wonderful, aren't they? Tragedies like this usually unite them, but not so with the McDonalds. And I thought *my* family was dysfunctional! Christ, the McDonalds make the Borgias look like the Osmonds.

Back at the Rovers, Vera is making a mysterious phone call. All I'll say is that it involves feathers...

(And no, it wasn't a kinky phone call. Feathers aren't kinky, they're just erotic. The difference between erotic and kinky? Well, using a feather on your lover is erotic; using the whole chicken is kinky).

Lusty Jack, meanwhile, is getting ready for a night of "drinking, wenching and the dogs" (so he's taking Sam and Natalie, then?). Vera, however, has other plans. She plays along with him, humouring him as much as she can. She tells him that she hopes he'll enjoy his night out, but not before he has had his tea. "By the way," she says, "when you're out tonight, you might bump into Bonnie Prince Charlie. You know, the Young Pretender." Lusty Jack nods. "As opposed to the 'Old Pretender'," says Vera, with a thinly-disguised snarl in her voice. And then she places a plate in front of Jack, filled to the brim with some kind of meat pie and potatoes. "It's an ancient recipe," she trills, "given to me by Roy Plomley. Tuck in; it's a banquet!" Jack tucks in and licks his lips in appreciation. "It's delicious," he says, "what is it? Rabbit? Pheasant?"

"No," screams Vera, "it's PIGEON!!"

Out in the bar, Natalie is trying her hardest to be nice to Sam, but it is an uphill battle. Natalie says: "Why don't you go and have a cup of tea; I can manage on my own." "Clever you!" snarls Sam, flouncing off to the till. "You're blowing this all up out of proportion," says Natalie. "Really?" says Sam. "Well, I know you, and I know Des, and I wasn't born yesterday." (Oooh, get *her*! This is handbags at ten paces territory, and no mistake). Later, when Des comes into the Rovers and Natalie invites him over for the weekend, Sam ostensibly does an about-turn and actually brings over three drinks: one for herself, one for Natalie and one for Des. "Here's wishing you both everything you wish for yourselves," says Sam, with a falsely saccharine smile on her face. Natalie and Des thank her and return the smile, but as Samantha retreats to her place by the till, a look of pure venom fills her face. Natalie and Des sip their drinks (red wine, ominously), and Natalie remarks that it's funny how Des waited until she'd had a sip before chancing it himself. (I don't think that being poisoned by Sam was what made Des hesitate. No, I think he was fast-forwarding his lecherous little brain to the weekend, and his rendezvous with Natalie. And how he'd better get a move on before the shops shut so he could buy a pound of bananas and start practicing throwing them up the High Sreet).

Also in the Rovers are Gareh and Judeh. Judeh tells Gareh about Ashley's visit to Zoe, and says that Zoe wants to see her when she comes out. Gareh doesn't think that it's a good idea. "I don't want you being upset," he says. "Not in your condition." (So is it Judeh's future refusal to see Zoe that precipitates next week's canal incident? I wonder.)

Out in the yard, a distraught Jack is standing by his pigeon coop, which is totally devoid of pigeons. Lots of feathers over the place, but not a pigeon in site. Yes, Mistress Vera has used the pigeons to make Lusty Jack's pie, which is now about to make a reappearance, if Jack's bilious countenance is anything to go by. "You took them all? he says. "Yes," gloats Vera: "tiny little things they were; hardly enough to fill a pie!" "Murderess!" cries Jack. "Con-man!" screams Vera. And as Vera storms off, the Lusty Jack farce comes to a merciful end. (And for those of you with sensitive natures, I assure you that stunt pigeons were used in this scene).

And finally, La Mouton and Steve discuss Jim's coma ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

AS I SEE IT

I'd love to regale you with more hot gossip from the wilds of Durham, but I must rush. Glenda's surprise guest has just arrived and I am off to speak with that person on the telephone. I'm so excited - and there's not even a man in the room!!

See you next seek,

Love, CP


Friday 8 May

Hi there again folks!

Friday seems to come round so quickly - I can't believe that it was a whole week ago, there I was knackered out of my skull after a hard week (don't get excited CP!) and here we are at the same point one week on, wellied again. It's been an extremely tiring fortnight - I've spent virtually all day at my biggest client's doing the annual pension review for the workforce - it's pretty intensive work but very satisfying and enjoyable nevertheless. Anyway, now comes the tedious bit, the consequential sorting out of the tons of paperwork which follows these meetings and that's something which I never look forward to..... I must admit we're ready for our short break in a couple of weeks and I'll be pleased to get away from the paperchase.

Another nice week on the net, getting friendly with the folk on the #coro_street chatline - they really are such a nice bunch. As Greggy said in one of his kind postings on RATUCS, it doesn't take long for you to be accepted as one of the regulars on there.

I thought his comment regarding the Canadian National inferiority complex was an interesting statement - obviously the Canucks have to contend with the issue of a large dominant neighbour alongside. Of course, that was the same sort of problem experienced by the Poles (no cracks, CP!) - maybe this is one of the reasons why the Poles always had such a great affinity for Canada - only they had two dominant powers to think about, namely, the Krauts and Ruskis (no offence intended as regards the Germans, although I reserve my position as regards the other lot!!).

My dad was actually born in Prussia in 1907, before Poland rose again after the First World War - even though the family was Polish, the old country had not existed for over a hundred years, so his first language was German - consequently, it was only after the war had ended that he started learning his native tongue, Polish. After the Second World War, he was faced with learning another language, English, as he was a refugee fleeing from the Russian advances from the east - he had a choice of Canada, USA, or UK to emigrate to and I often wonder what would have happened, had he chosen one of the other two options. As he met my mother in the UK, no doubt, someone else would be doing these updates, as they never would have met and I would never have been born - wonderful is fate, isn't it!

At home, with both parents being Polish, that was the language we used, although I would listen to the radio, quite oblivious of the fact that I was listening to something in English. That situation subsequently led to some amusing consequences, though I didn't quite see it that way at the time!

Primary education in the UK starts at the age of 5, whereas it was at age 7 in Poland. Consequently, when I was about 6, there was a knock on the door and standing outside, there was the schools inspector, asking my folks why I wasn't at school - "because he's not 7, that's why" was my dad's helpful reply. Well, the following week, amends were made when I presented myself at the local primary school. I can still remember very clearly, the teacher asking me a question on the first day - I understood her perfectly well. However this was more than my class could say about me, because, apparently, my response consisted of a totally random mix of Polish and English words - now, ask yourself, how was *I* to know there were two different languages? It certainly didn't help my childhood shyness when the class just fell about in laughter as I made an unwitting prat of myself in front of them all.

Remember, in those days, I was Zbigniew - as I keep telling CP, there's a "BIG" Pole in me (certainly in the middle of my name) - Milewczyk, so not only could they not understand what the hell I was talking about, but they couldn't pronounce or spell either my first name or my surname. By the time a couple of years had elapsed, I'd had enough - I decided to adopt an English name, so I chose Alan, just to make it easy for the linguistically-challenged Brits. Alas, they still can't spell my name and I now get all sorts of variations including Allan, Allen, Alun, etc. etc. At times, you wonder why the hell you bother!

Anyway, following this kind of experience, I guess the national insecurity to which Greggy refers is something I can relate to - not that the Canucks have anything to worry about, as far as I'm concerned - as I said earlier, what a tremendous friendly bunch. Partway through typing this update, I joined the Friday night weekly quiz for the second time and thoroughly enjoyed myself even though my cybermate Roofy had deserted me and had decided to have an early night - you missed out on a good 'un R Kid. And CP (aka as Seepi), your ears must have been burning, if nothing else - by the way, I do hope the rash clears up soon! Forget your "Friday nights in" (ahem... ) with your boyfriend and get a real life, CP, join us - you'll enjoy it and I know that your presence will be appreciated and enjoyed by the others... Must be far better than the pleasures of the flesh to which you regularly succumb!

It was also good to spread a few Fred Elliott wave files across the net during the session and to extend my collection of wave files at this end. As some of the people out there were also fans of Father Ted and Red Dwarf, that was another of life's added bonuses!

One thing I must have a gripe about though, is that one of the joint winners of the quiz was our own anorak, Graham Allsopp - I am convinced it was a fix, through and through and always thought that the management and staff were not allowed to partake in these competitions! Anyway - well done, G and PK!

Yes, there was a real party atmosphere and I can thoroughly recommend anyone wanting a good time to tune in to the #coro_street channel on Dalnet Saturday morning at 0100 UK local time (Friday night 2000 Eastern Time). The climax of the evening was the girls treating me to a cyberspace initiation ceremony during which I had my pants removed and all sorts of unmentionable things done to me - they got me dressed in some skimpy outfit and dolled me up with garish lipstick, etc. etc. - now poncing about on a Friday night looking like a tart out for business isn't what I normally get up to, but, no doubt, CP would have felt very at home! That apart, suffice to say, I'll be back next week for more! In case, you are wondering, my wife missed it all as she was asleep snoring away on the room next door, only briefly woken up by a thunderstorm partway through the night - it is with good reason that she is called Snora Batty in this household - bless her!

The following night, I finally got round to something which I've been meaning to do for a while. I set up NetMeeting - this programme is part of the Internet Explorer 4 suite and enables you to talk to someone through the net - talk as in telephone, except you use a microphone to speak into and plug in a headset or loudspeakers. What prompted me was that the perfidious Perfidia (aka as Kathleen McBride), whom regulars on the corrie channel will know very well, had mentioned to me that she'd set it up on her system. Well, she's the first to admit she's technologically challenged (her quote about PCs was "wow - sound out of loudspeakers!"), so I thought that if she can get it going then it really was time I made a move. Pleased to report that all went swimmingly and in no time I was talking to the Sex Goddess herself.

Together with ICQ, which makes the connection process easy, this is a great way to talk to someone while you are on IRC. The only thing was that, periodically, I lost my Internet connection and found that I was unable to play sound waves but that's a minor problem really. I do hope those of you in IRC land will get a microphone and hook it into your PC sound system and join us - you do need to have a reasonably powerful PC, around Pentium 150 or upwards, running Windows 95. Although you are restricted to just two parties at any one time in this type of conversation, you can switch between others in the group. Many thanks, incidentally, to Yukon Mike, for his technical help on Sunday night. We certainly had a great time and NetMeeting has added to the quality of the experience - for heaven's sake, Kath, don't let Woody find out, as I am in enough trouble with my wife for having the sound system on at 1 o'clock in the morning and I really don't fancy having my teeth punched in by a jealous husband as well ......

Anyway, onto business. Friday's episode sponsored by Cadbury's TimeOut.

The episode starts with Tilly being woken up chez Maison Peacock, by Ashley - he has spent the night on the settee downstairs after being a real plonker and exposing Leanne to unwarranted risk. You will recall that he is obsessed with entrapping his father's killer and, unbeknown to Leanne, had sent a letter under her name to Prisoner Whately, enclosing Leanne's photo - she had previously written to Whately, at Nick's inisistence, saying that she felt sorry for him and the prisoner had subsequently written back all friendly like, also saying he didn't get many letters. Anyway, Leanne wasn't too chuffed and he spent the night in the doghouse, well, on the settee, anyway. Ashley tells him that Zoe is due out today and that she doesn't want any aggro, not to see Tilly and Leanne scrapping. Tilly is surprised that Zoe is being let out so early, but Ashley comments, in an exasperated manner, that they have obviously been too preoccupied to notice what's going on. Anyway, in his own masterful way, R Ash tells Tilly to "get it sorted, right?" Then, pulling out a trick from the housewife's book of "Really letting you know that you're in the doghouse", Ash puts on the vacuum cleaner, much to Tilly's annoyance.

We move to The Rovers, where Orangina is telling Vera that she owes Curly a large drink, as Curly was nearly ready to come round to the Rovers with a shotgun and give Vera a taste of her own medicine, after Jack had spent the night on Curly's sofa, sulking. She explains what's been happening to Nasty Spumante, who has just come in - you will remember that Jack had "enjoyed" pigeon pie the previous evening and was convinced he had eaten his own pigeons, apparently, duly slaughtered by Vera after she rumbled his "Lusty Jack" ruse. "Shocked him out of his trams, you should have seen his face" is V's jubilant recollection of when she told Jack what she'd done.

Nasty asks what V really did with them, as Jack enters, on cue, "that's what I want to know." "Oh, look what the cat's dragged in" is V's greeting to which Jack replies "beware Vera, you are drinking at the last chance saloon" - this said with a fag in his mouth (the British type not the North American). Vera comments on his lapse, likens him to a beagle and suggests that he might want to put one in each ear. He tells her that he'll need tranquillisers and reckons that, surely, even she could not be so callous as to have slaughtered the pigeons. Vera comes clean - they are with Jamie and Ray - now those names are blasts from the past! She suggests that they will have no problems finding their way back "they'll just follow the smoke signals" referring to Jack smoking again! Jack says this is not the end of the matter and storms out, while Nasty comments that he needs to watch his step otherwise he'll spend another night on Curly's sofa. Orangina expresses her horror "God, I hope not, he snores worse than........ you do!" "Hey, you cheeky mare, and here's me thinking you and me were mates again" is Spumante's reply. "We are" maintains Orangina, "it's the type of thing only a mate would tell you" to which Nasty interjects "like BO or spinach in your teeth". She then thanks Samantha for buying her and Des a drink last night, but Sammy makes light of the gesture and when Nasty says she wants things back to normal between them, Orangina agrees that this is what she wants... why do we get the feeling though, that there is a hidden agenda somewhere here?

R Ash is chez Middleton telling her that Zoe is due back and he wants her to feel normal again. He explains that Zoe has cut her own hair - Frosty Fiona doesn't actually grasp the full meaning behind the statement, thinking that it was just a trim of the "wonky fringe syndrome" or something like that, but Ash disabuses her of this notion. "Well, we all like a challenge, don't we, eh?" is her euphemistic reply when she realises the scope of the creativity which she will need to bring into play. She reassures him that Zoe will be in safe hands. She tells him that Zoe is "a lucky girl, you know, Ashley... to have you, I mean". At this point, it suddenly occurred to me that Ashley is actually the Street's male equivalent to St. Emilion - supporter of deadlegs and lost causes and someone who won't say a bad word about anyone.

As he goes out, Muppet 2 aka Mattress Maxine, begs Frosty not to make her do it, but Fiona insists that all Maxine has to do is to cut Zoe's hair and she will give Zoe a manicure herself when she's finished doing Vera - Max suggests a swap but Fi turns her down, saying that Zoe is just another customer. "But she's not though, is she?" is Max's reply "She's Zoe..... Mad Zoe!" in what is the night's most cutting bitchy remark. Fi points out that Zoe's daughter has died, she's had a week away, but when she comes through the door, they are going to treat her like any other customer. "All right! All right! Kind of limits the conversation, though, doesn't it, been anywhere nice on your holidays?" is Max's riposte, which has got to be the funniest parody of the conversational limit of the hairdressing fraternity I've come across in a long while. When Fi slaps her down and tells her that she is serious, Max knuckles under and tells her that she will be "sweetness and light". Maude Grimes is having her hair done and comments ruefully "Now that, I'd like to see!"

Des comes into The Kabin - Leanne is on her own, as Rita has gone to the wholesaler's. He jokingly suggests that she capitalises on her bit of peace, saying he'd have his feet up and his face full of sweets, if it were him. Leanne tells him that she can't because you never know who is going to walk through the door. He tells her to look on the bright side, it might be Brad Pitt and she comments sardonically that now she realises the reason for taking the job!

As he leaves the shop, Tilly comes in with humble pie, actually, with a bunch of flowers! She tells him not to waste his breath but he is full of remorse - he tells her that he just didn't think - now, for any parents of teenage sons, this will come as little surprise, it's their normal state of mind! For girls, we all know, are light years ahead in the maturity stakes at that stage in life, so when Leanne replies "yeah and you're not thinking now, so you can take these... and stick 'em" and throws the flowers back at his, you realise that Lesson One in "How to soft soap your partner" failed miserably and, it going to have to be a case of "back to the drawing board" for our Plank! "I could be murdered in me bed - a bunch of poxy flowers won't protect me" she continues. When Tilly accuses her of exaggerating and asks her why would Whately want to murder her, she plays the ace by telling him "'cos it's what murderers do!" He tries to reassure her that Whately is in prison and could be there for years, but Leanne suggests that equally, it could just be days, it has to be soon, otherwise they would not have let him visit his college. Tilly continues to try to make his case, suggesting that he might not come after her, that it was an old photo, but she points out that he just hasn't grasped what's been going on - he could come after her and she hasn't the faintest idea of what he looks like. She is very upset and tells him to leave.

We are at Weatherfield General and its the Reverse Lobotomy department - donor Steve "Plasticine Head" Hamburger comes in to join Frizzy Lizzie by Yer Wee Mon's bedside. She tells him that he was wrong about her last night - however, he doesn't think so, but she continues to try to persuade him otherwise telling him that she was upset. She doesn't want them to fall out, commenting that they are all Jim has got. Quite honestly, if I were in that position, I'd beg them to pull the plug, but there is a storyline to get across somewhere here, so the writers resist this piece of malicious temptation. In response to Steve's enquiry, Frizzie tells him that there is no change in Jimbo's condition. She then gets into sloppy sentimental mood recollecting how she first met him and the first thing she noticed about him swaggering down the street was his moustache - presumably the fact that he was allegedly hung like a baboon followed later. She reminisces about the twinkle in his eye - no twinkle, I think, I'd be reduced to tears if I espied La Mouton, but this, presumably, was when she was just a lamb! In a strange statement from a strange woman, she comments that he looks smaller, shorter, thinner, everything about him (presumably she's looked there as well).

The sick bowl is then passed around the room, as she asks Steve what was the first thing he can remember. You think he's going to tell her that Jimbo was obviously the character upon which Father "Drink!" Jack was based and his recollection of pa being permanently smashed, but we get the schmalzier version. He recalls him and Andy at the age of 4, playing horsey and the time when they went to Ireland for Christmas - when Jim and Uncle Bill fell into the Christmas tree. Frizzie tries to convince Steve that Jim was a good dad "you won't let yourself believe it, will you?". Steve tries to tells her that all he was doing was recalling his first memories - he's not slagging him off, adding that it was one of the best Christmases they had ever had. "But the only thing you can remember is him getting drunk and acting daft" is her annoyed response. He tells her that he is merely recalling what he remembers of him and that he is not trying to make him into a saint, but comments that, after all, she did divorce him "as you were so keen to remind me." She tells him that she's not going to let a piece of paper make her forget the good things - it brings to mind Dean Martin's statement on the biggest joy of life being the morning's bowel movement followed by the paper.... (well, I added the bit about the paper, anyway, just to complete a cheap jibe)..... Anyway, after this dose of saccharine, she points out that Steve and Jim had been at each others throats so much, even if he is Jim's next of kin, he is the last person they should be talking to about pulling the plug.

Ashley has brought Mad Zoe back home. She has had a personality transformation, obviously regressing back to another life and is cheerful and smiling. Tilly makes small talk as he welcomes her home, commenting that Ashley had been cracking the whip all morning to get the place tidied up. Ashley sees Tilly's flowers, the ones rejected by Leanne, and wrongly comes to the conclusion that Tilly has bought them for Zoe. He really is a saint, that lad, never a bad word for anyone. Leanne pops in from the Kabin to join the welcome party, commenting that she thought she heard the van, as Zoe takes on a sense of humour - "seen the men in white coats, as well?" she asks. Leanne corrects the reference explaining that it was St. Ashley's van to which she was referring. She asks how Zoe is - she comments that Zoe has lost weight and asks whether "they've been feeding you properly" which is the sort of mumsy thing that mums say to their sons after they've left home and got married. "Well, it's better than your cooking" is Zoe's jestful reply - I dunno what she's on, but I'm having some of that! Leanne suggests that Zoe might like to lie down but Zoe doesn't want to. She then asks what Zoe is going to be doing in the afternoon - Zoe's reply that she has taken up basket weaving, so she'll probably do a bit of that - this completely throws Leanne, until Zoe makes it clear that it was a joke. How we laughed! Leanne tells her that she must go back to work, suggesting that Zoe and St. Ashley must have lots of catching up to do, but Zoe clearly doesn't and asks what their news is..... pause for embarrassed silence as Leanne tries to skirt round their problems by laughing nervously and saying "oh well, you know! .... Nothing much!"

Back at "Fringes by Fiona", Vera is planning her revenge for Lusty Jack's stunt. She tells everyone she feels like Carole Lombard - she is told by Mattress the Muppet that she looks a million dollars and she replies that she needs to do so, where they are going tonight. "It's nine pound fifty for a starter... our Jack won't know what's hit him when he gets the bill in the morning...still, I'm owed it" is her determined statement.

When she leaves the salon, Fiona tells Zoe that she has put some conditioner on her hair and while they are waiting for that to work miracles, Maxine will sort out her manicure. Mattress is busy picking her nose, well, any excuse to get out of dealing with mad Zoe - Frosty buys the excuse. She decides to do the biz herself and brings Morgue (great name for a kid) over in his carrycot alongside Zoe. It's little things like this that make you realise that Frosty is a couple of sarnies short of a picnic as the happy duo go into baby talk mode. We then leap into banal manicure mode as the virtues of Cuban Jelly as well as the fine points of Quantum Mechanics and Particle Physics are explained to Zoe by Frosty with the recommendation that she needs to start looking after herself "even if it is just for Ashley's sake". Morgue is purring and simpering and whimpering and slowly coming to the boil - it's feeding time, so Frosty asks Mattress to take over while she takes Morgue upstairs to prepare his bottle, leaving Zoe in the care of Mindless Muppet.

"So, do you think you and Ashley will get a holiday this year" is the Mattresses opening gambit in her second classic one-liner of the night.

We are in The Rovers - Fred, I say, Fred, Elliott comes in and offers to buy Des a drink, oblivious of the fact that Lusty Jack has been rumbled. "Now then Tavernkeeper, a formian flagon of your finest ale for this trusty young vagabond... and a drop of Bonnie Prince Charlie's favourite for myself.. and at 1746 prices, if you can see your way clear" is Fred's order, as Jack tries to bring him up to date. "Fred, there is a polite notice up there, that says 'Please don't ask for drinks at 1746 prices because a punch in the mouth often offends'".... He tells Sam to serve a bewildered Fred "while he still has a full set of teeth".

Back at "Fringes by Fiona" it's coffee time - they are out of milk and Frosty decides to go out and get some. Mattress asks if she can get a doughnut while she is out, prompting Frosty to comment on her uncertainty as to who is actually the boss in the place. She offers to get something for Zoe, if she wishes .... Do I hear paraquat, deadly nightshade, arsenic, anyone? Ah well, never mind! Zoe's not bothered - but then she never was! Frosty temporarily leaves the shop, as Mattress has just finished putting on the undercoat, which now needs ten minutes to dry. Presumably, when the damp has dried out, we'll be ready to put on the wallpaper, or maybe even a paper bag round Zoe's head. She offers her something to read while the paint dries.....the phone rings. Mattress answers it to find that it's Mogadon Man, aka as Greg. "Long time no see - 24 hours without you, that's a century in my book." She turns her back on Zoe and starts discussing the finer points of shagging and whose turn it is to deal the cards in the next round of Strip Poker. She recommends an aromatherapy massage to clear the worries of a stressful day "the full works.... me, of course" is her reference to whose fingers will be doing the talking and walking. "Hey, people travel miles for my massage, well, actually, old biddies with chillblains... ohh Grrreggg, I'll pretend I didn't hear that" is her response to what is presumably an enquiry as to what optional "extras" are available from Mattress the Masseuse. She suggests a lovely Orange and Geranium Oil she could use, which appears to be particularly efficacious for those who have had a stressful day. She then whispers about the other potent options including one which is an aphrodisiac! You have to remember that she's a real goer and there's probably not many men that wouldn't, even if it wasn't particularly stimulating intellectually, but then, you know what they say about looking at mantelpieces and debating the finer points of Greek mythology, while stoking (or was it, poking) the fire. Anyway, during all of this, The Mad Zoe has been eyeing up Morgue. She picks him up, holds him and, after a few seconds, with Mattresses back still turned, she takes him out of the salon.
End of part 1

Nothing of any note here, but I must just mention probably the worst advert for years - this is the ad for Danish Bacon, featuring Peter Schmeichel, the Manchester United goalkeeper. Footballers have never been noted for their singing skills, but this particular Great Dane stars in what is probably the most painful example that I have had the misfortune to hear for years. Now my wife reliably informs me that he has one of the best backsides in football and when you get someone whose taste in men is as finely attuned as CP's, who am I to argue? It certainly explains an item regularly on her shopping list, i.e. a pound of best Smoked Danish Back... BTW, I would point out that just because my wife fancies me and Peter, I wouldn't want CP to show any similar interest in me. But, anyway, this advert is truly dreadful and must rank among the all-time grates (yes, I did spell that correctly)! It is worth seeking out, just to see and hear how awful it actually is, but something like kaolin and morphine is needed to settle the stomach first.

Part 2
Maxine is still on the phone gently working herself up to orgasm (so this is what telephone sex is all about?) as Frosty comes back. Being a particularly observant sort, Frosty notices that no aardvarks were involved in accidents on the M6 motorway today, but that "Morgue is Missing"! When she turns round, Mattress realises that something is seriously amiss - well, it's Morgue and he's not a Miss, he's a Master and he's missing - well, you get the drift anyway... She slams the phone down in what must be one of the most painful examples of coitus interruptus ever witnessed on television. Cut off in mid flow, as it were... poor Greg! Well, you know what I mean, fellas!

Frosty rushes out into The Street closely followed by the Mattress. It's the first question in the Intelligence Test "Where are they, Max?" and, yes, you've guessed it, Max fails miserably. She says she just turned her back on them for a moment, explaining she was on the phone to Greg. "Stuff Greg" is Frosty's frosty response. Maxine could and would give any opportunity and will, but clearly, not right now.

We are at the canal. Mad Zoe has Morgue in her arms. This is the place where Samir met his grizzly death, probably even the place where Des set fire to his boat, after being jilted by his ex-wife. The place carries the warning notice "nasty horrible things happen here to people and here comes Zoe who is going to do even more nasty horrible things because she's gone Lala into Tellytubbie Land". At this point, I must just mention a bright spark at my wife's Primary school who talked about enjoying Tellytubbles for his dinner - they didn't know whether it was his vegetables he was referring to, or Tellytubbies or what - obviously an inmate at Dame Edna's School for the Permanently Bewildered! Mad Zoe is rabbitting on about how much better it is here away from that stuffy shop - she is going to take Morgue to Shannon's favourite place. They are going to look at the ducks.

We are at Peacock Mansions - the two Muppets have burst in demanding to know whether the Mad Axewoman is, but Tilly, Leanne and Ashley don't know. Yep, the three wise monkeys "Hear no evil", "See no evil" and "Speak no evil"! Candidates for MENSA all three... Ashley says that Zoe wouldn't hurt Morgan. Mattress is saying that they can't have just disappeared - now when you know that this is exactly what has happened and that this statement is a load of crap, such a statement is bound to get you worked up - which it does. "Will you stop saying that" snaps Frosty as she decides to call the Police. St. Ashley is convinced that Zoe wouldn't harm the baby. Leanne adds to Zoe's character witness but Frosty doesn't quite see it that way. Accosting a baby is not fine in her book. She rings the Police to explain what's happened. She knows who took him "it was Zoe Ta..ersall", she explains in classic Manky glottal stop. Maxine is in auto-prat mode repeating statements that have previously caused upset - and guess what, she does it again! Frosty has had enough and after a further outburst of emotion, attributes the blame firmly at Mattresses door - she then rushes out into the street to look for said son. The remaining cast of the Famous Five stand around contemplating their navels and decide to join the hunt - St. Ashley panics as he realises that they need to find Zoe before the Police do!

Des is being served by Orangina, who is ever so polite and friendly. Des is, naturally, suspicious and, out of earshot asks Spumante whether Orangina had a bang on the head this morning. Alan laughs out loud at another classic witticism to be proposed for the "Quip of the Day" award. We know she's up to something is Tango Girl, but what? "You tell me" is Nasty's puzzled reply as Des explains "she's talking to me as though she likes me". "I know, hard to believe, isn't it?" is Nasty's riposte. She goes on tell Des that TG has given them her blessing "me and you". "But there is no me and you" is Des' reply. "Yes, I know... but it's not what she thinks" says our Nasty obviously deciding that you might as well be hung for Mutton as lamb. "Obviously!" concludes our testosterone-packed stud as he starts weighing up the possibilities.

Tilly rushes into The Rovers and accosts R Gareh and R Judeh - he tells them that Zoe has escaped - Judeh asks if she's done a runner from the hospital but Tilly explains that she was let out this morning. The police are on their way, but he needs to know whether Zoe had any mates or any special places she went with Shannon. Gareh, ever the masterful man, when his wife will let him, tells Judeh to stay there while he joins the search.

We are at the canalside again. Mad Zoe is explaining to Morgue that this was one of Shannon's favourite places - we know this, dear viewers because Shannon told us this herself!

Meanwhile St. Ashley is reunited with Leanne, Tilly and Gareh and they discuss where else they could look for Morgue. St. Ashley is still in "Speak no evil" monkey mode - he is upset that Zoe is being painted as if she were a baby batterer. Gareh is rattled with this and accuses him of making excuses for her, but St. Ashley denies this. "She's sick, they should have kept her in hospital" Gareh tells him. Leanne points out that squabbling will not help find Morgue and asks where they used to take Shannon. Ashley mentions "the park feeding ducks, the canal, I suppose, sometimes..." "You two take the canal, me and Nick we'll take the park" says R Gareh. Meanwhile St. Ashley's "She won't harm the baby, honest!" hit record is well and truly stuck in that familiar groove. "Let's just hope you're right" says R Leanne.

The police are at the Salon asking for the most recent photograph of Morgue. Frosty is exasperated because she's left three messages on his mobile for Plasticine Head and no reply. She explains to the Police that Steve is her partner, but no, he is not Morgan's dad. Now if you have followed some recent real-life cases where children have been murdered, quite often it has been by the mother's partner. You wonder whether we could just bribe the scriptwriters so that Steve goes down for this heinous crime as well, but, alas, this is Corrie and that sort of miracle is just too much to ask for! Frosty explains to the Police that the dad was one of "your lot" but declines to elaborate as it is "a long story". Mattress suddenly has a brainwave - well, there's always a first time in your life - how about contacting the hospital because Steve will be with Jim? Hurrah! However, too little, too late - no forgiveness from Frosty. "I'm sorry!" grinds on Mattress endlessly. "The words, they're like are silly little words rattling round that brainless little skull of yours" says Frosty as we recall similar conversations with our beloved son, who is equally fond of that word, judging by the amount of times it occurs in his vocabulary without any subsequent behavioural change. Frosty tells her in front of all and sundry that if Zoe harms Morgue, she will swing for her... and that when she's finished, she'll coming looking for Maxine. The point hits a bullseye! "Get out of my face" is Frosty's parting shot.

We are back at Weatherfield General again, so we are.. yep, Jimbo is still alive and Frizzie and Plasticine Head are maintaining their vigil. Frizzie tells her darling son that it's obvious that he doesn't want to be there - taking this as his cue with the quip that "one martyr's enough in the family" he takes the opportunity to leave. He lashes out saying that what angers him is that he is obviously being blamed for the accident - she says that they have been over and over this and it was an accident. He decides to come clean, sort of... he says that there wasn't a bolt out of place, it was Jim "he comes out of the pub drunk, comes up the scaffolding spoiling for a fight, he throws a punch at me, I back out of the way, I mean what else would you do and then he slips over the edge. Didn't even need a helping hand." Lizzie refuses to accept this rewritten piece of history but he insists it was exactly like that. He then makes out that he didn't want to tell her. He maintains that even though she thinks that he hates his father's guts, in reality he doesn't - there is just one thing which sticks out in his mind, if it wasn't Jim, it could be himself lying in that bed. Would that this were the case....

We are at the canalside. Zoe is talking to Morgue about him being cold and hungry and taking him back soon. She tells him that she wishes she had his pram. She lifts up the baby. Across the bridge we see Leanne and Tilly - they think she's going to drop the baby into the water and shout out to her not to do it. As the police sirens wail, we see a policeman running towards Zoe, with Gareh and Tilly close behind

Cue music and credits

Episode written by Phil Woods (so it said... but apparently not.) [Cock-up with the New Deal Credits trainee, and they played Wednesday's credits again. The writer was actually Jan McVerry - Graham]
Script Copyright ITV Television

 

Well, how was it for me? Well, first of all, some awards to hand out, namely:-

Bitchy Comment of the Week to the Mattress for the "Mad Zoe/holidays" theme. Runner-up award to Des Barnes "Bang on the head" reference to Orangina.

Bad acting award to The Plank, aka as Nick Tyldesley. He never fails to disappoint.

Vomit Bowl Award for Personal Looks to Frizzie Lizzie (permanent winner of this award).

Personality of the decade (not) to Steve "Plasticine Head" Hamburger (permanent winner of this category).

Services to Humanity (not) to the makers of the hard hat that the above uses to keep his brain inside his skull - wish they'd do us all a favour and just let it float away into the ozone, taking his peanut sized brain with it.

Mean woman of the week - Vera for making out that she'd served up Pigeon Pie as revenge for Lusty Jack's exploits.

Star of the Decade - Fred, I say Fred, Elliot, just for being him and brightening up our day. We could do with him being prescribed on the National Health as a cure for depression.

Cow of the week - Orangina - as false through and through as her tan, she cannot accept she screwed up her relationship with Des by screwing Studley and is now intent on wreaking havoc on Natalie and Des, in some, as yet, unknown way.

On a serious note, some fine acting from Joanne Froggatt as Zoe, flipping again in the mental health stakes - I might have made light of some situations in this episode, but as someone who has recently recognised that he is suffering from depression and has been for some time, I recognise that we all hang onto life and sanity by a slim thread at times. She plays the damaged individual exceptionally well - fine acting from the young actress, ably and sensitively supported by Steven Arnold as Ashley. Couple of fine young 'uns there.

How did it rate? Not bad at all, some drama, while not top notch stuff, all pretty well done and with some nice bits of humour in the episode.

And that's about it for now - see you same time, same place, a week from now.

Take care now.... Love and kisses from The Mad Polak

Alan (ICQ UIN 10440270)


Sunday 10 May

So, there I was at the weekend, all fired up and ready to get this update done on Sunday evening, straight after the show. And what happens, me and the good Mrs L go out to see a date movie. Heavens, nearly 13 years married and I am still wooing the woman ! To save embarrassment, another couple come along too, but fortunately the cinema is not terribly busy, so I am spared a couple of hours in the presence of young lovebirds. Phew. Mind you, this is all a splendid excuse to spend a fair while pondering whether Gwyneth Paltrow is, as alleged, simply *too* beautiful. The answer is no. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Hurry along to see "Sliding Doors" if you get the chance - especially if you are currently exiled and need an update in genuine British swearing.

I tried again Monday night too, but this time the video was occupied taping the second half of "The Bodyguard". What drivel. SWMBO has only seen this about three times already, but no, we had to record that bit after the news that was on too late. I think she made me do this because I said "what's the point - we know the sister did it !".

Last week was local election week here in the UK. The way this works is that local government close down most of the primary schools and pay themselves extra salary to officiate therein, in order for 25% of the electorate to vote and the party officials to get all worked up about the significance of the results. To the average parent, it means an unpaid day off to child-mind. As the weather looked promising, we decided we'd both take the day off and take the kids to Alton Towers - that downmarket Disney World as described by CP last week ! Surprisingly, it was really quiet and everyone had a fab time. With hand on heart, I can now truthfully say that I have met my Nemesis, but did not feel inclined to try a ride into Oblivion. I also now know what it feels like not to take a single breath for over 30 seconds ! As they say, you should try everything once.

Our man high up on the slopes of Everest is not having much luck with the weather. Over the weekend, their advance camp blew away. It's easy to forget just how high 29,000 feet is - nearly 6 miles vertically upwards. This is well into the jetstream, at the height commercial airliners fly at. So we wait to see whether they will be able to carry on, or have to return home. Speaking of which, there was a rather grim tale of a middle-aged Japanese climber who died last week, and the attempts to carry his body back down - see http://www.independent.co.uk/everest/everest.htm if you're interested, it's not something for the faint-hearted.

So, we come back to Weatherfield for another Sunday showdown. Bear with me as I watch this for the first time, while trying to scribble notes in my own illegible shorthand.

Act 1
Zoe is standing on the middle of a bridge over the canal, holding baby Morgan, while Leanne and Ashley, and Gary, Nicky and a policeman arrive at either end, begging her not to harm the baby. Edging closer, the policeman asks her to put the baby down on the ground and to step back. She is obviously confused at their sudden arrival, and all the shouting, but sees Ashley nodding to her, and lays Morgan down, all the while telling everyone that she has done nothing wrong, and that the ground is cold and wet. The policeman rushes forward to pick the baby up. Zoe again protests that she has done nothing to harm him, and suddenly climbs onto the bridge parapet.

We cut to Fiona's salon, where the dozy Maxine has arrived back with the news that Mr Patel has sold a pack of nappies to a young blonde woman with a baby, "so she can't be meaning him any harm !". Fiona looks at her as if she is as stupid as she appears. Judy has some recent photos of the baby and (I think) Zoe, which she shows to a policewoman who is staying with Fiona.

Back at the canal, Zoe goes for the triple tuck with a forward roll. Splash! And disappears from sight. While the judges decide on scores, and Ashley points out that Zoe can't swim, Gary leaps in after her. He drags her to the bank, where she is dragged out, and Nicky puts her into the recovery position. The policeman has been rather useless throughout.

Meanwhile, in Weatherfield General, Martin is talking to Liz, who is worried about how little the nursing staff are telling her. She is also concerned about the likelihood of the doctors switching off life-support for patients who might have recovered later. Martin reassures her that these things only happen in the tabloid press, otherwise there'd be hordes of lawyers chasing every doctor about. There are plenty of checks, apparently. [They give the monitor a good bash on the top just in case the flat line is a wonky tube.] Anyway, Martin tells her that Jim is responding, which is a good sign. How much faster he would respond if they moved his bed to the Rovers Return, is something we may never know the answer to.

Back at Hair by Fiona, everyone is chipping in with their tuppence-worth about mad Zoe. Judy tells the policewoman how Zoe had stayed with them after Shannon was born, and Maxine points out how she had run off with a baby then. We hear that Zoe had no family to speak of, and how Ashley had taken her in, before her own baby died. The policewoman asks Fiona if she thinks it might have been a personal thing between her and Zoe. Everyone then proceeds to argue over whose fault it really was. [The Muppet, the Muppet !]

At the canal, Zoe comes round and coughs up half the canal after Nicky has presumably helped to resuscitate her. [Twenty Rothmans would've done the trick too... splutter, hack.]

News of Morgan comes over the PC's radio in the salon. He is OK, but has to be taken to hospital for a routine check-up. Fiona leaves, as Maxine once again tries to apologise, unsuccessfully, and blubs. Yawn, look, just clear off with Greg and don't come back. Ever.

Des enters the Rovers, and finds Natalie on t'other side of the bar for once, having a quick drink before she is off to the pictures. Samantha offers to get their drinks, and Des tells her to get one for herself too. As she brings the drinks over, there is a strange look on Sam's face. And it's not the fake tan, either. [Methinks we're in for some Fatal Attraction stuff soon, we'd better keep a careful eye on the contents of Betty's hotpot.] Sally and Janice appear, and hear of the snatching. Sally is shocked as this brings back memories of Rosie going missing. They are told that Zoe was responsible, as Steve arrives, oblivious to everything, wanting some drinks to take out. Vera presumes this is by way of celebrating Morgan's safe return, but as she starts to say so, Steve realises that all is not well, and rushes off to the salon to find Fiona.

Ashley is comforting Zoe, but he is also angry and confused at what she has done, and wants to know why. Zoe continues to protest that she meant no harm. As Ashley gets angrier, Leanne tells him to leave Zoe alone. An ambulance arrives to take Morgan and Zoe to hospital.

Intermission [Isn't technology a wonderful thing ?]

Act 2
Steve arrives at the hospital to find Fiona watching Morgan. A doctor tells them that the baby is unharmed, and that they are free to go home whenever they like. A big "family" hug ensues.

The doctor is now talking to Ashley, who is trying to explain the background to the current problems. The doctor tells him that Zoe is physically fine, but mentally distressed, and that she has been sectioned again. Ashley pleads for her to be treated with some sympathy. Turning to go, he bumps into Steve and Fiona. He apologises for Zoe's behaviour, saying again how she had meant no harm. Fiona tells him to "wake up", and see what Zoe is really like. She would be happy to see the girl locked up. Ashley responds with "You've got your baby back - she'll never see hers again". In the background, Zoe is led away by the police.

Greg has arrived at the salon, and Maxine is explaining what has happened. She is worried about being sacked as a result of her stupidity. She professes "I'm pathetic, immature, irresponsible, and vacuous !". Better still, she goes to say how she had had to look up "vacuous" !! Nonsense, says Greg, "you're lovely !", and gives her a kiss. [Huu-gh. Ra-lph. Where's those airline bags when you need them ?] Steve and Fiona and Morgan arrive back. Greg tries to take responsibility as he had kept Maxine on the phone, but Fiona is uninterested. Two-fifths of what little charisma there is gathered in the salon, leaves.

Liz is still blethering away to Jim about Andy, still lost in Spain. As she hold his hand, we see his fingers contract, but she doesn't notice. She goes on to tell him about Steve and Fiona and the baby, and how this reminds her of family life when the twins were young.

Sally and Janice are discussing the drama, and how Leanne was trying to help Zoe. Gary and Judy arrive in the pub - he is ready for 10 pints of Vera's finest ale, to take the taste of the canal away. Janice gives him a big smacker by way of congratulations, and Sally joins in too. [Fortunately, Kevin is nowhere to be seen, or we would be in for more hours of moping !]

Natalie is still drinking with Des. By now, she has missed the start of the film, so Des offers to take her himself later in the week. Samantha is looking on, and remarks to Vera on how there is no spark left in Des any more.

Judy cannot understand why Zoe threw herself into the canal. Maud suggests that Ashley should use the situation to cut himself loose from the lass.

We see Ashley returning home, having walked all the way back from the hospital. Leanne offers to get him something to eat, but he is not hungry. He is shocked at what has happened - Zoe is going to appear in court in the morning. Leanne wonders if maybe this isn't for the best, being away for a while to let everything return to normal. He and Zoe can make a fresh start. Ashley is starting to think that he has nothing left inside, and that maybe he would be better off without her. Leanne begs him to continue to help. "She needs something to live for, and I don't think I'm it", he concludes.

As Liz is leaving Jim's bedside, he suddenly stirs, and his eyes open.

This episode was written by Jan McVerry

A strange episode tonight. I feel curiously uninvolved and unmoved. Perhaps it's the juxtaposition of the interesting characters with the undead ! Actually, I think it's because I only had the chance to watch it all through once, stopping and starting, so that's clearly not working. There's no chance of me being out next Sunday as well as this week, so look forward to more a normal update next week. Not fair to make a heap of awards on the back of this, so:

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Best line: Did Maxine really describe herself so well ?

Nanu nanu ! John Laird


Monday 11 May

Here we are in Ping Week, and the weather has taken a turn for the better. It really seems like Spring now, could well be 25 degrees in London on Saturday.

We'll drink a toast to absent ratucsers on Saturday, and hope you can join us in Blackpool in October.

It's Friday lunchtime, and I,ve just completed Monday's update. CP won't be posting Wednesday's until Monday earliest, so there'll probably be a flurry of update activity on Tuesday as we catch up.

Apart from some good Les lines, I couldn't get excited by this episode - I hope I've done it justice though.

We open in Weatherfield General, where Liz is talking to a still comatose Jim. The consultant is doing his rounds, and stops to look into Jim's eyes with one of those magnifying torchy jobs. Liz is excited that Jim squeezed her hand, he must be coming round. Doctor agrees with her that there is definite improvement.

Postman delivers to the Platt's, and then pauses to check his remaining deliveries while Leanne looks anxiously from the window. But it's OK, there's nothing for her in this delivery.

Nick isn't much help, he's cooked bacon and egg, but Leanne can't eat it because she's eaten up by worries over when and if a letter arrives from Darren Whately. Rita has been sympathetic, and has allowed her a couple of hours off. Leanne pushes away the plate, and a row brews.

Ashley comes in, just at this awkward time. He's going off to open the shop, and then going to see Zoe later.

We're off to Hair By Fiona, where Audrey seems to be a fixture now. Fiona is off out with her Mother for the day. She asks Audrey to bring Morgan through. Maxine hastily offers, but Fiona ignores her. Maxine tries to apologise again, but Fiona won't listen, she states that she's never going to leave Morgan alone with anyone else ever again - where she goes, he goes. As Fiona leaves she reminds Maxine that the phone is for business use only, and that Audrey is in charge.

Ashley arrives at the Weatherfield home for the Temporarily Bewildered. Lovely line as he climbs over an inmate - "I do apologise, and I really mean that". He finds Zoe looking vacant, and gives her a full inventory of the food and personal effects he's brought her. Zoe appears to be feeling remorse for the incident with Morgan, she tells him that she was gentle with him, she would never hurt a baby. Ashley tries to make her see that abduction is serious, and won't bring Shannon back. He rises to go, and tells her that he still loves her, in spite of everything.

We're in the Rover's, and Les is asking Greg about his Mother, the mysterious (and allegedly wealthy) Moira Kelly. He wonders if she still drinks lager and lime by the pint. Greg says that she's a VAT woman now - Les promises to remember that. Greg can't recall whether she still likes red roses, Les spins some unintelligible yarn about roses, caravan site and stable, and wonders if Moira still remembers?

Judy and Gary are drinking at the bar, and she asks how he is feeling after his impromptu dip in Castlefield Basin. Strange that she should ask this question here in the Rovers, rather than say, in bed, or at breakfast. He says he's OK, no lasting after effects. He's thinking about lifting Zoe out of the water, like lifting a child. He doesn't know who he feels more sorry for - Zoe or Fiona. Judy reassures him that Fiona will get over it in time, and fortunately Zoe has got Ashley - she wouldn't stand a chance on her own.

Back at Les and Greg, Les has this idea that it would be great to see Moira again, now that she's recently widowed in that big house, and perhaps Greg could sound her out? Only I wouldn't want to go putting my nose in where it weren't wanted?, Greg doesn't think it's such a good idea.

Maxine and Audrey come in for lunchtime drinkies. Maxine sees Greg, but chooses to stay with Audrey as he's with Les. She asks Audrey if I've passed, because you'll be reporting back to Fiona on whether I've been pulling my weight or not,. Audrey says that of course she has - she doesn't want to get her the sack. Audrey promises to have a word with Fiona, because Maxine doesn't want this to be a permanent falling out with Fiona.

Audrey is pleased to be the bearer of glad tidings, that Jim has taken a turn for the better. As this news is shared with Sam, she mysteriously begins to feel queasy, so Vera sends her into the back for a liedown. What is that Sam up to?

Zoe is still wallowing in despair and self pity, looking fragile and distressed. Ashley is still there, telling her that he understands how losing Shannon has knocked her for six, but she's got lots of friends around her, her domestic situation is a million miles better than twelve months ago with Liam, but she will get over it, things can only get better. Zoe begins to cry, and asks why they didn't just leave her in the canal, then it'd all be over by now.

END OF PART ONE

Liz is still excited in Weatherfield General - she tells Jim to squeeze, and he does just that to her hand. He even manages to lift his arm for her - she tells him that she'll have him in the Rover's, presumably lifting the drinking arm again, in no time. Steve reminds her of the Doctor's instruction not to tire him. Inside the breathing apparatus, Jim is trying to speak - he appears to be saying Kev,, so Liz, excited again, assures him that Kevin says the job's there when he's better. Steve asks the doctor if Jim will also remember everything about the accident, the doctor says that sometimes patients remember only up to the point of the accident. Steve won't be happy about that!

Ashley is still trying to show Zoe how much he cares, but she again makes out that they would be better off without her. Ashley tells her how empty the house is without her, and how there's the summer to look forward to. He's more tearful than she is when he asks "Doesn't it mean anything that I love you?"

Nurse Vera has administered a drink of water to a malingering Sam. Sam hasn't eaten today, which doesn't please Vera, so she offers a sandwich. Sam tells her that she felt a bit grotty, this morning. I don't know owt about these things, but are we supposed to be thinking pregnancy here? Either real or imagined? Sam confirms that she's been sleeping OK, and that she and Natalie are the best of pals again. Jack comes in to find out what's wrong with Sam, and Vera mouths Woman's troubles,. Oh, right, Exit Jack.

Vera offers Sam a couple of days off to recover - Sam smiles conspiratorially to herself.

Nick has gone round to his old home, while Martin is fetching a book that Nick had left in his old bedroom we see Nick admiring a framed photograph of himself as a child. In a different body. Nick tells him that he and Leanne have had a bit of a row - I know I'm right and she's not going to come round. Martin suggests the old cook her a meal, ploy, because it has been known to work for him. Gail enters just when Nick is trying out the idea of buying chocolates instead - and thinks they'll be for her. He puts Gail right - they are talking peace offerings.

Greg is buying the drinks in the Rover's, including one for Vera. Vera thanks him, suggesting that he must take after his Mother. Les asks why she says that, to which Vera replies that "cos you're a right stingy devil", and adds that his Mother must "be right good lookin". Janice, who is standing between Les and Greg, is not pleased when Les states that Moira is "very good lookin", "ere, pass us that photo", snatching Greg's wallet. Janice comments that she loves her husband particularly for his tact.

Sam comes in to ask Vera if she can take those couple of days off as suggested. Vera encourages her to go home, but Sam wants to defer it to a couple of days off next week. Although Vera accepts this, Jack comes over and tells her that Sam is malingering, it's all a put-on. Vera reminds Jack how he was behaving similarly only last week with his Lusty Jack Johnson routine.

Rita, the Big Red Wig, bless her, comes in for a Vodka and Tonic. Les suddenly has an idea, which brings the best laugh of the night:

He insists on buying her a drink, because he wants advice on behalf of a mate, who fancies a woman recently widowed. Of course, Rita has been there, seen that, bought the T-shirt several times.

Les: It's this mate o' mine ye see, e fancies this woman, only er usband's just died, and e's wondering ow long e should wait, like, before e goes steamin, in.
Rita: (taking a step back) Ow the eck would I know?
Les: Well you've got form, you're a widow, a double one at that!
Rita: And what's it got to do wi' you?
Les: Well, he was wondering, like, when your usband dies, is it like fallin' off a horse - the only way to get over it is to get back on?
Rita: I beg your pardon?
Les: No, not you, me mate, e's wonderin, ow long e should wait?
Rita: I don't believe I'm hearing this!
Les: Well it's like if you've got a bike. If you don't ride it, then it's just goin, to go rusty i'n't it? If you get me meaning.
Rita: I'm shiftin, now, otherwise your teeth are going to be tasting this bag.

Handbags at point blank range!!!

As Rita moves away, Janice asks what he's done to upset her. "Last time I buy er a drink, stuck up cow", says our loveable boor, Les finishes the drink which Rita had left.

Gail is trying to get Nick to tell her about his differences with Leanne. He is adamant that he can't tell her, so Gail thinks it's about herself. He tells her it's not, and that he doesn't think it can be resolved. Gail goes into I told you so, routine, saying that she knew life with Leanne wouldn't be plain sailing. Nick is cross about this lapse into I told you so,. He insists that he and Leanne still love each other.

Audrey is sweeping up, having let Maxine go early, just as Fiona and Morgan arrive home. Audrey starts praising Maxine, and saying how badly she is taking this fallout with Fiona. And I suppose you're suggesting I have a word with her? asks Fiona. "Well", says Audrey with a smile, why don't you?". Fiona doesn't answer and takes Morgan upstairs.

We're back with Janice and Les, where she's trying to find out what he said to upset Rita. He's always upsetting folk. She's got the hump too, which Les reckons must be because he said that Moira was good looking.-Anybody can be good looking if they've got a rich husband, Les rounds on her Oh, so it's my fault is it, the way you look? Well that's a good un!, Janice thumps him and then turns away, arms folded. Go on girl!!

Gail and Martin are in a booth, wondering how they can find out what's troubling Nick. Gail remembers that he's been off, since he started asking about his Father. Martin hopes that is unconnected because he doesn't want that dragging up again. This attitude doesn't please Gail.

At the bar, Sam is questioning Gary about Judy's health - does she feel sick in the mornings etc? After she's gone, Vera comes over, wondering why Sam is suddenly so interested in babies?

In the kitchen of number 4, Ashley is telling Nick about his visit to see Zoe. He's at the end of his tether, he's fed and clothed her, he had been up all night with Shannon when Zoe was out with other blokes, he's hurt that the relationship has been so one sided. He can see that Zoe needs someone, but he's not that someone. He still loves her, he doesn't mind making sacrifices for her if it would do any good, but it won't. Nick tells him not to run himself down, but Ashley insists that she needs to lead a life of her own, and to let him lead his. He's done everything he can, he's got nothing more to give, and he's decided. Decided what? We don't know because we cut to Steve and Fiona in the flat.

As Fiona pours the white wine, she is pleased that Jim is out of danger, and that Steve hasn't got his death on his conscience. She criticises him for apparently looking pleased, but Jim might yet remember what really happened. Steve realises that if Jim does remember, he'll be after him, compensation, the lot, and will try to finish him off.

CLOSING CREDITS

Episode written by Phil Woods

Dewey


Wednesday 13 May

Dear Update Readers,

I was born in Birmingham, and so I know bad taste when I see it. Which is why the staging of this year's Eurovision Song Contest - the celebration of tackiness par excellence - in my home town was more than apt. And like all things tacky, camp and over-the-top, Eurovision always gets pride of place in my diary. When the old "Fanfare for Europe" sounds out, I simply have to drop everything. I often think that on Eurovision night, even if Denzel Washington, Christian Slater and Matt Dillon were lined up outside my bedroom ready for a game of "Sardines", I'd have to send them packing. I've watched the competition for longer than I care to remember. Indeed, my first memory of television was as a five-year old, glued to the box as a barefooted Sandie Shaw sang "Puppet On A String" in some exotic, faraway European capital. I still remember the tinny echo of foreign voices as they came down the wire with the votes of their national juries, and the fabulous frocks worn by Katie Boyle as she switched from English to French and back to English again with consummate ease. (Katie, as it happens, was the subject of the very first joke I told my mother. It was a joke I'd heard at school, and although I didn't have the faintest idea what it meant, I laughed because everyone else did. "Mum", I said, "Do you know why Katie Boyle is having a baby?" "No", said my mother, "Why is she having a baby?" "Max Factor," I replied. I stood there, waiting for the response. But instead of raucous laughter there was a sudden thwacking sound as her slipper met my head. "I'll give you 'Max Factor', you bugger!" she screeched, before frogmarching me up the stairs for an impromptu session of several hundred Our Fathers and countless more Hail Marys. I still can't see Katie Boyle on TV without reciting the entire rosary). I had a special affinity with the Eurovision Song Contest right from the outset, and in a sense we both immatured hand in hand: as it got louder, glitzier, more camp and more outrageously over-the-top, so did I. My chief ambition in life, apart from becoming the second Dusty Springfield, was to compere the contest. My plan was a simple one: join RADA, break into light entertainment, and then audition for Eurovision armed with my O-Levels in French, German and Italian. I used to mince around the sixth form common room shouting, "Pays Bas, un point! L'Italie, douze points! Good evening, Lisbon, can we have the votes of the Portuguese jury please?" until I was blue in the face and everyone was convinced that Katie's days as compere were numbered.

But of course it was not to be. My father would have no truck with the theatre ("all loose women and bumboys") and threatened to disinherit me if I joined RADA. Then, the day after I sat my final A-level, I ran away with a man twice my age and, taking the Orient Express, headed East. (I still have the diary I kept of my exploits, which I've always longed to publish under the title "Back Passage To India"). Hugh was everything I'd ever wanted, but by the time we'd got to Istanbul I realised that I was nothing more than his mid-life crisis. He returned to England and got married while I, bitten by the travel bug, carried on east. Most of what has happened to me since I attribute directly to that spur-of-the-moment decision to run away with Hugh. And so not only was he the indirect reason for my fall from grace, but he also stymied my Eurovision plans once and for all. Which is a shame, because I think I'd have made a better job of it than Terry Wogan does: my jokes are better than his and I don't wear a greasy syrup.

Anyway, together with the Oscars, the Eurovision Song Contest is usually one of the best dates in the calendar. (The main difference this time round was that we taped it and watched it the following evening. No matter that we'd already heard who'd won: after all, it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking people apart!) Carlo worked his usual culinary magic (sic) and produced a takeaway Balti for three, while Mark, my ex-flatmate, came up trumps with half a dozen bottles of red and two bottles of Mercier. And then, catty comments and bitch remarks at the ready, we were off!

However, I must admit that it wasn't the best Eurovision I've ever seen. There was something about it which didn't quite hit home like it usually does. But it definitely wasn't the fault of the songs: they were as delightfully dreadful as ever, ranging from the usual sub-standard imitations of that same Italian beat ballad from the early Seventies that seems to have served as a prototype for all Eurovision composers ever since; through songs which evoked scenes in a Bond movie; to feeble attempts at dance music.

But Eurovision is not about music; it is about high camp, and I'm afraid to say there wasn't a great deal of that on the show this year. The most ostensbibly outrageous performance was by the German entrant, Guildo, a middle-aged man in turquoise velvet (sic) who looked and acted like a cross between Russ Abbott on speed and some sleazy old paedophile, cavorting about the stage as though he had a fire-cracker up his arse. "Guildo loves you too," he rasped, while touching up the nearest available young men in the audience - proof, if any were needed, that Care In The Community simply isn't working. Knowing that it was pure parody - that some of the entrants themselves have finally realised what a shambolic affair the whole thing is - turned the event rather sour, robbing us of the vicarious pleasure of seeing other people submitting themselves unknowingly to ridicule, which is, after all, half the fun.

There were some countries, however, that still seemed to be taking the competition seriously, but their entries emerged as though from a time warp: most of the East European entrants performed their dire little ditties with an earnestness that was a joy to behold, their women wearing frocks so awful that the UN should have passed resolutions against them. The Polish woman, for example, seemed to be wearing a badly sewn green curtain that looked as though it had just been ripped down from the rail, while the Rumanian girl looked as though she'd been through the remnants basket at Oxfam with her eyes closed: the Ray Charles approach to accessorizing, I think they call it. She certainly gave 'mix and match' a new meaning. The worst costume of all, however, was worn by the Maltese entrant, a rather large lady who had plumped for an ankle-length grey smock, totally shapeless and featureless, which gave her the demeanour of a Victorian prison wardress. The poor poppet's hairdo was just as dire, which was a shame because her song was possible one of the best on offer.

As you no doubt know by now, the comptetition was eventually won by the Israeli entrant, a transsexual called Dana International. ("I prefer the 'real' Dana," my mother said, before proceeding to warble several choruses of 'All Kinds Of Everything' down the phone to me. "At least she could get through a good song without having to strap her 'tea and sugar' to her leg." I tried to explain to my mother that since Dana International was a male-to-female transsexual, she didn't have any 'tea and sugar', but trying to explain that to a woman of her limited experience would have been totally pointless, so I didn't). Anyway, the winning song was an anodyne little dance number entitled "Diva". That it will probably be very big in Fuengirola this summer says it all, really. I preferred the vastly superior "Where Are You?" by the UK entrant, Imaani, and indeed actually went out and bought it. (I'm nothing if not totally honest, you must admit, even if it does mean risking a severe drop in street cred as a result). The final mention must go to the Estonian pianist, far and away the hunkiest hunk of the night. (I wish I could play like he did, but then I've always suffered from pianist envy).

But enough! Enough of this Eurovision banter and on with the show:

I'm afraid this is going to be something of a 'quickie' (no change there, then?) because (a) I'm doing it from memory (no change there, then?); and (b) I have only forty-five minutes left before I am being picked up. (Isn't wonderful to know exactly when and where you'll be picked up? Puts a whole new light on the concept of forward planning, no?). Plus my memory has been damaged severely by several nights of drinking and debauchery since last Wednesday, including the Ping, about which I shall write in this week's Wednesday update.

Anyway, the episode opens at the House of Elliot, where there is a letter from Leanne. Thankfully, both for her and Nick, it's a bill - and not a "See You Soon" card from Darren Whately. Ashley can't understand why they're both so overjoyed to receive a bill. "What's so good about a bill, unless it's less than you expected?" he croaks. "It is," says Nick cryptically. Leanne asks Ashley whether he's going to see Zoe. He isn't. Leanne offers to go in his place. (There, you didn't think I could 'do telegraphic', did you?)

Cut to the Battersby skip, and Janice, applying copious amounts of pink lippy. She is also sporting a new haircut and now looks nothing like she first did when she arrived on the Street, which was something akin to one of those undersea baddies in Stingray. Les, looking resplendent in his vest, is covered in shaving foam and hunting for his razors. Janice, meanwhile, is trying to woo him with her new look. "Have you noticed ought?" she says, pouting. "Only that you smell," he says. "I'm trying to look nice," retorts Janice. "Well get a face lift, then," snaps Les. (I wonder whether he ever got his money back from that charm school? You know, the Bernard Manning Academic of Civility and Good Manners. Actually, talking of Bernard Manning, I heard the other day that he's marketing his very own brand of shampoo. You know, similar to the one you use when you don't want to take two bottles into the shower. It's called "Wash And F*** Off").

At 'Hair By Fiona', the eponymous owner takes Maxime aside and apologises for ripping into her over the Morg affair. "I shouldn't have given you such a hard time," says Fiona, "but I was just in shock." Maxime appreciates the apology and says that she is just happy that Morgan is safe and sound. (Safe and sound? With a name like that? Just wait till he goes to school).

At the hospital, Jim 'So It Is' McDonald has had the tube removed from his throat and can now talk a little, even if his words emerge in the form of bad 'Father Jack' impressions. "Shoop, shoop," he croaks. (No, it's not the McDonald version of "The Shoop Shoop Song", but the ex-comatose brickie's request for Cadaver Boy, who is in attendance, to feed him some tomato soup, in one of those dinky little toddlers' mugs with the dribble-free lip on). Steve quizzes Jim on the latter's memory, hopeful that the accident is still a total blank. Jim obviously can't remember a thing, which is just how Cadaver Boy likes it. Later, Steve speaks to the doctor, who says that the longer the amnesia lasts, the less Jim will remember about the accident. (That last line sounds suspiciously like a tautology, but I'm sure that's what he said.) The doctor says that Steve can help his father by reminding him of what happened. "Keep prompting him," says the doctor, "and it will help him tremendously." (Steve makes a mental note to fill an audio cassette tape with subliminal prompts and recollections to play as Jim is falling off to sleep. "Listen, dad, it was your fault; you were drunk; it had nothing to do with me; you're just a sad Irish brickie who deserved to fall through some scaffolding; yer tank top stinks and your moustache needs cutting; you're a loser and you're never going to walk again; and it's all *your* fault...")

Cut to a room filled with people: a man in a stripey shirt, pacing the floor worriedly; a girl scribbling on a pad as though scribbling were going out of fashion; another girl in tears; a man smoking as though his life depends on it; and everywhere an atmosphere of total gloom and depression. No, it's not the Eastenders scriptwriters' conference, it's the Weatherfield Home for the Terminally Bewildered, where RZoe has been sectioned, destined to do pottery and weave raffia and play endless games of Scrabble, while nurses who are far more in need of psychiatric care than their patients spend all their time reading The Sun or beating up schizophrenics. The TV is on, but with the sound down. (Must be "Through The Keyhole", then). Leanne appears, with a bunch of flowers and some chocs for Zoe. Zoe is on a downer, convinced that no-one likes her, while Leanne tries to convince her that everyone is rooting for her, and that Ashley positively adores her. Zoe's face registers no response. And why should it? As she herself says, "All you do in here is sit around and take medicine." (Sounds like a typical weekend at my mother's). Anyway, Leanne says everything will be better when Zoe eventually comes out. (God, not another one! Dewey, what the hell have you started?) But Zoe doesn't want to come out. (Loonybins *do* that to you, really).

Cut to the Rovers: Les and Maxime at the bar. Maxime asks Les whether he's seen Greg. "Why?" grimaces Les, "are you desperate?" Les tells her that she shouldn't hold too many hopes, for surely a boy of Greg's charm (sic) will be playing the field. Maxime retires to Audreh's table. Audreh has overheard Maxime's enquiry re: Greg and tells her sardonically that she has "handled that beautifully". "Now Greg'll think you're a right pushover," says Audreh. "You've got to play it cool, Maxine. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen!" At this point, Greg walks in. Does Maxine play it cool? Well, Pavlov's dogs probably salivated less. "Don't let him see you've noticed him come in," whispers Audreh. Now Greg may be stupid, but he's not blind and he can recognise a puddle when he sees one. He knows full well that Maxine has noticed his entrance, and he goes over to her to ask her out. "Are you free on Friday, Maxine?" he asks. Before Maxime has a chance to answer, Audreh tries to help by suggesting that no, Maxine is not free on Friday, because on Friday Maxine has a date with Wayne, the guy who 'works for the financial adviser thingy'. Maxine agrees, hoping that Greg will swallow the bait. "Okay," says Greg, "maybe some other time." At which point Maxine comes clean that she isn't really busy and would love to meet him on Friday. Greg departs, a knowing smile on his face. Audreh is gobsmacked. Speechless even. "Words fail meh," she says, "after a performance like that." But then Audreh has only herself to blame; after all, Audreh giving Maxime lessons in subtlety is like Rose West lecturing on the advantages of taking in lodgers.

At this point we get a sudden close up of Natalie's ring. I kid you not. There, as large as life, on the Rovers bar. And do you know what happens next, children? Well, that naughty Orangina creeps up and pinches Natalie's ring. Just like that. Natalie had obviously put her ring on the bar when she washed her hands. What do you think Natalie will say, children, when she finds that some naughty naughty person has pinched her ring? Will she be angry, children? I would, wouldn't you? As angry as I would be if some silly producer decided to axe someone and, as a pretext for turning all the viewers against her, got the scriptwriters to portray her as a psychopath. Now isn't that childish, children?

Well, much of the rest of the episode centres on Natalie's ring, and the farcical attempts to find it. "Has anyone seen my ring?" says Natalie, to a crowded Rovers bar. (Oh come on, do you expect a serious response to a question like that? I've cleared dancefloors with less). The obvious answer ("Half the male population of Weatherfield") is not forthcoming, so Natalie tries Les Battersby - at Orangina's behest, of course. Les is mortified - but not surprised - to think that Natalie could accuse him of such a heinous crime and tells her in no uncertain terms to "shut your flapper and pull me a pint!" Orangina's plan to alienate Natalie is clearly working, although I'm sure that Natalie won't mind being alienated from Les Battersby - the man whom even street canvassers avoid. Vera and Jack join in the search. "Maybe it went down the sink?" offers Orangina, keen to take them off the trail. This precipitates a hilarious scene with Jack stuck under the sink with his hand in the crud of the U-bend. The two-minute scene is ramjampacked with innuendo. When Jack initially refuses to look in the U-bend for Natalie's ring, Vera orders him to "get under there and start screwing!" Jack is reluctant to put his hand up the U-bend. "Just stick your fingers in and poke about a bit," trills Vera. What with Jack's "I've been on my knees half my life trying to rescue something precious", the dialogue in this scene sounded like every one-night stand I've ever had; all we needed was a reference to an extremely innovative way of improvising shaving gel and it would have been complete.

The rest of the episode is taken up with Nick, Leanne and Ashley, discussing Zoe's dependence on Ashley, and about how good Ashley is for Zoe. There is also another short scene in which Les Battersby continues to level insults at Janice. The episode ends with the doctor telling Liz and Steve that Jim may never walk again.

Sorry that last bit was rushed, folks, but my lift has arrived and I must fly. I hope you won't be too disappointed that there is no "As I See It" this week; I promise you an extra long one next week when I tell you all about the London Ping. Yes, folks, there's lots of beans to spill and dirt to dish, and I'm going to give you all the lowdown on exactly what Glenda, Ruth, Mike P, Annie, Graham, Tracy, Dewey, Bazza and all those other degenerates got up to down in London. I heard tomato ketchup, flour and whipped cream were involved, so watch this space!

Love and hugs,

CP


Friday 15 May

Here we are again... Sunday morning, but not a fun start to the day.. switching on my PC this morning, I accidentally reset it partway through the boot up and ended up trashing large chunks of the C drive. After abortive attempts to try to salvage the situation, the only option was to reformat the drive, reinstall Windows 95 and then restore from my tape backups.... However, the system is still restoring as we speak and I've lost about 4 hours of time so far that I could ill afford.

Of course, none of this would have happened had I gone to the Ping in London yesterday. I would have had a sore head and, no doubt, some great memories of meeting the RATUCS crowd for the first time. Alas, not to be.. just a hard drive in need of file restoration. As the week has gone on, I have progressively begun to regret more and more my inability to be present - we're going away next weekend and I have lots of work to do on the caravan before that happens, but by the time, I sort out the computer I'll be way behind.. and probably not much more than if I'd gone to the ping.

We had some Pingers popping up on the IRC #coro_street channel last night after the do and it sounds as if a good time was had by all. It was at that point that I was told that the gang had tried to contact me on the phone - unfortunately, they called my business line, so I never heard the phone ring and the answerphone took the calls. The first call timed at 20:19 coincided with me doing the barbecue.. the second at 21:39 after we'd eaten - sure enough, when I dug into the system, I found a couple of boozy messages left by Roofy and Dewey and a raucous greeting from the gang. What a shame I missed the calls, but you lot certainly sounded to be having a good time - I love you all, gang, and am touched that you remembered me during the do....

Enough of these regrets, I have decided that I WILL go to the do at Blackpool in autumn... life is too short for regrets and I want to meet the rest of the friendly family I have been getting to know over the last few months. Not sure whether my wife will think it's some sad anorak thing, but that's another issue.....

It's been another good week on the IRC channel, meeting more of the lovely folk there - nice to see more RATUCSERS finding their way there. I also look forward to seeing some traffic in reverse as well, with IRCers dropping into RATUCS.. we're just different branches of the same family, so do drop by...

We have been making more moves on the Netmeeting front and it has been a great pleasure voice talking to Perfidia (Kathleen), PeterC, Greggy and Bazoooka, RAnnie and others. Some people are still having problems, so while I was able to establish computer contact with RLisa and RDoris, I couldn't hear them, although they could hear me.

We are building up our knowledge base on NetMeeting and I have decided to make an up-to-date version of a draft FAQ available on my web site at the following URL: www.prosper.demon.co.uk/netmeeting.htm. This will be updated regularly and notification of updates will be through RATUCS and my Friday updates. Anything you can add to this, please do not hesitate.. we are all on a learning curve, learning fast, cutting our fingers in the process, but these technological developments are but a taster of things to come.. exciting days! For those who have not tried this, the difference is that RATUCS can be compared to a fast open post system, IRC is immediate and interactive and NetMeeting is just like talking to a friend on the phone. Do try it.

On the subject of web sites, during the week there has been some cruel conjecture comparing me to one of the Teletubbies.... well, to dispel these vicious rumours, I finally got round to getting some my mugshots done. Very kindly, Roofy (Ruth Carey) has scanned them for me, so I've finally got a piccie up on my web-site at www.prosper.demon.co.uk - thanks Roofy for ya help...

I have also taken the liberty of posting a Teletubbie file put together by Chris Lines aka The Rattler - hopefully, this will enable this fatuous comparison to be shot down as a myth, once and for all. Just to knock the nail in the coffin, this scurrilous story also put about by The Rattler, comes from the same guy, who, you will recall, maintained that Jim McDonald was a Scot, not an Ulsterman.... just put that down as a marker of the quality of his judgement! Anyway, who am I to bear a grudge? I may not be Lala but Dollally, certainly... The file is a bit of a long one to download at over a meg, but all good fun and worth a laugh. BTW, Chris, I've got some Teletubbie wave files to throw at you next time you're on IRC.

I've also decided that I am going to start a page on my site with piccies of Update readers, RATUCSERS and IRCers, so please e-mail them to me and I'll get them up on the site.

What else.. oh yes, yesterday, I found a great program for recording and editing wave files called Cool Edit... been playing around with that a bit, so we'll have some new wave files for you on IRC over the next few days. Incidentally, do try, if you can, to join us for the Weekly IRC Quiz, Friday nights 2000 Eastern Time, Saturday morning 0100 UK local time - it lasts an hour and is great fun.... like a really nice family reunion. This week, Magyanne won with a score of 11, which I am told is some sort of a record - well done M. I ended up going to bed around 04:30 having got up at 06:30 the previous morning... this lark certainly wreaks havoc with your sleep patterns.

Finally, thanks again, for the continuing e-mail support regarding these updates... as I've said before, although they take some time to put together, I thoroughly enjoy doing them and it is very rewarding to get your notes of encouragement... keep 'em coming....

Anyway, onto business. Friday's episode sponsored by Cadbury's Marble.

Steve "Plasticine Head" McDonald meets up in the Street with dear mamma, Frizzie. They have been told by the hospital that Jim "So it Is" McDonald may not walk again, following the accident. Frizzie asks whether Steve has any bright ideas as to how to break the news to Jim. Now in a previous conversation with the doctor, Steve was told that he should encourage his father to talk about the accident to help his father to regain his memory - that, of course, is the last thing that Steve wants, so he tells his mother to leave things as he might not want to hear the news. Lizzie is concerned that Jim will start asking questions and wonders how they will field these. Steve tries to reassure his mother by saying that the doctors only said "he *might* never walk again" and that this might be the way to play it - Liz says that "if he thinks it's definite, it's gonna kill him". She realises, though, that the prospects are not good and wonders that they are going to do. "We'll find a way" is Swivel-Eyes' response.

We are at the shop with Maude Grimes and Ashley Peacock. Maude asks whether Zoe is any better.. Ashley has looked depressed all morning. He tells Maude that he has decided to finish with her. He tells her that he has done all he can for her and that he cannot help her any more. Maude tells him that if this is the way he feels then he should break it off, but it is clear that Ashley is racked with guilt. Maude tells him "you don't go out with people to help 'em, you do it because you love 'em.. and that's a word I haven't heard you mention just lately". Ashley maintains that he does love her but when someone is like she is all the time, they are never going to change, you give up in the end, he tells her. Maude asks when Ashley is going to break the news to her, but he isn't sure as the state she is in, it makes it very difficult for him - she had told Leanne the previous day, that Ashley was her only reason for living. "Then you have got a problem" advises Maude "if you tell her now, it's kicking her when she's down, if you leave it until she's better, then she thinks she's been lead on". "Not much of a choice, is it?" replies Ashley. "You wanted my advice, so here it is", says Maude, "if there's one thing, people in her state don't need, it's insincerity. I'd do it now! Don't give her false hopes." You can see Ashley agreeing but wondering how to break this bombshell.

We are at "Fringes by Fiona" - Fee comes down and panics, momentarily when she cannot see Morgan. Audreh tells her not worry, as she has moved the baby out of a draught.

Greg aka Mogadon Man comes in to chat up his bird and see whether she's still on for tonight. Mattress Maxine enters into a futile "depends on whether I get better offers" type of conversation. He suggests going to the Viagiatore about 7 - "sounds good" she says, "In the Rovers?" "Where else?" is his reply.

After he's gone out Fee, Audreh and Max discuss where this place could be... Audreh surmises that it's the new Italian place in the precinct. "They say, it's dead posh... I keep asking Alfeh to take me, but he pretends not to hear" says our Aud. Maxine is concerned whether she will have to dress up and Audreh advises that "you can't go looking like summat the cat's dragged down". At this Mattress goes into the "I've got nothing to wear" routine that us fellas are pretty familiar with.. "I'm skint this month, as well", she adds. Audrey suggests hiring something and tells her that it's all the rage these days and there is a shop in town which hires out second hand designer clothes. "In fact, when there's a do at the Town Hall, you can hardly get in that shop for councillor's wives" she tells a clearly underwhelmed Maxine.

R Gareh has come to visit Jimbo McD in hospital - he bumps into Steve, who tells him that his father is not very well and tells him that they've had some bad news - that Jim may never walk again. Gareh is shocked. "And even if he does", continues Steve, "he's gonna need a wheelchair." He tells him that his father is oblivious of the position. Steve agrees to Gareh seeing Jim, but warns him not to discuss the situation - he then tells Gareh that Jim's memory has still not recovered, that he doesn't know about the accident yet and that he should not mention the subject, "just in case it upsets him!" - what a heart <sarcasm mode off>! Gareh agrees to bear it mind.

We are at The Rovers. Orangina is wiping some glasses and deliberately drops one, which smashes on the floor. Nasty Spumante offers to get a brush to clear the broken debris, but Tango Girl says she'll do it herself.

Rita is propping up the bar and asks Ashley how Zoe is doing - he tells she's better and that he's on his way to see her. "Well it must make a difference, knowing she's someone like you to look after her" clangs Rita. Ashley says that he isn't so sure. "Don't you kid yourself!" replies Rita "You come on, leaps and bounds, when you feel cared for, like that. She's a lucky girl." Guilt plagues Ashley's face.

Tango Girl has got brush and pan out and is sweeping up the broken glass. She places Nasty's missing ring into the debris. She makes out she has cut her finger on the glass and then feigns discovery of the ring. "That's brilliant! Where was it?! exclaims an overjoyed Nasty. "Dunno, it was shoved somewhere at the back there..." bluffs Samantha. All are delighted with the result as Sam pulls off her con.

We are back at Weatherfield General. Gareh is in with Jim, whose voice is hoarse. For a minute, you think you are watching the Godfather, with Mafioso Jim. He is upset because he has no recollection of the accident which brought him to the hospital - Gareh tells him he fell off some scaffolding on one of Steve's sites, but he is reluctant to go any further as Steve had felt it might upset his father. Jim cannot remember much but recalls that he and Gareh were drinking partners and he remembers the Rovers Return with Jack and Vera, and the episode where they removed the Dockworth's staircase. That was a laugh and he tells Gareh, he's looking forward to having more laughs when he gets out of hospital - Gareh is faced with making a non-committal noises.

Les is eyeing himself up in the mirror. He picks up a beer mat with Moira's telephone number on it - you will recall she is the mother to his son, Greg. He checks that the coast is clear and phones her. He introduces himself - he is getting in touch with her after Greg had turned, telling her "that's he's the best thing that's happened to me for ages. You've done a good job there, Moira, bringing him up." He angles for a meet-up, playing it low key deliberately, "I'm in no rush like. We'll do it sooner if you want, I didn't want to impose. Well, I've got a window free next Friday!"

This comment makes me grimace, as I recall a similar line when I were a lad - after my divorce in my mid-twenties, I had a whale of a time, partying it up, catching up on lost time... in fact there was a period of a couple of years where I only had three nights in during all that time and that was purely because I was ill! You're only young once, which probably explains my frazzled highly-lived state these days! Anyway, I remember asking this girl out for the evening, explaining to her that I was only free on Wednesday and Sunday - now I certainly wasn't saying this from the viewpoint of an inflated ego, more just a pure factual statement. I was hardly a rival to Casanova in the women-chasing stakes, but just enjoyed a rather busy social life, for those few memorable years. Of course, in those days, I knew nothing of the Ladies' Jungle Telegraph, where this sort of news soon spread round. Suffice to say, a while later, another girl friend, Trude, whom I subsequently married, once relayed this same story back to me as part of a leg-pull, as she'd heard it from a friend of a friend of the girl concerned.... Mind you, 'er indoors isn't so lily-white herself - I can remember our first date taking her to Chatsworth for the day. I didn't realise why, as the day went on, she seemed to be anxious to get home - it was purely because she had previously arranged a date with another fella the same evening... now that sort of stunt, I've never pulled before.

Anyway, they agree to meet on the following Monday and he is chuffed to be asked round to her place. She asks him about transport and he replies "Of course I've got a car, a lovely motor. I've done well for myself, as you will see." He writes down the address and fixes a date for 8... as he puts the phone down, he is overjoyed "she's gagging for you up there in Warrington, Leslie.. she just can't wait!"

End of Part 1

Nothing of any interest here, so it's onto

Part 2
We are at "Fringes by Fiona" - Mattress Maxine has bought a dress for her soiree with Mogadon Greg and is doing the "do us a twirl" bit for Fee and Audreh. Quick fanfare as Max makes her entrance looking pretty stunning and delicious - she is a hit with all concerned. Audreh asks her whether she hired the dress after all.. "well, sort of!" is Maxine's reply. She then goes onto say that really the dress is free, because she bought it today and will take it back tomorrow, saying she didn't like it so she can get her money back. Audreh is quite horrified, mind you, I'm sure she's done much worse in her time, but she maintains that she wouldn't have the nerve. "It's quite simple, Audreh" says our Max, "you just turn up and join the queue behind everyone else!"

We are in the Mental Hospital - our Ash has come to visit Zoe. She looks a lot better, on which he comments and she replies chirpily that she feels it. She apologises for her state the previous day, but Ash will have none of it. She tells him that she didn't think she'd see him again... he is somewhat taken aback... she has given him nothing but trouble and she wouldn't blame him if he wanted to get rid. "Forget all that", says our Ashley and he asks what the doctor has said. He is pleased, Zoe tells him, he wants her to go to group therapy. She tells him that Leanne coming yesterday has helped her most of all, she has something to live for, namely our Ash... somehow, I don't think this is the moment that he will choose to break off their relationship. Gulp! "That's good" he says. She apologies for the fact that she has repaid his kindness by just dumping on him.. she maintains things will be different when they get out, she'll make it up to him, she promises.

Gareh and Steve meet up in the Rovers. Steve asks how Jim was. "Alright, considering!" is Gaerh's reply. Steve is concerned that Gareh might have said more than he should have done. Gareh tells him that he informed Jim that he'd had a fall, but Steve is annoyed at this. Gareh asks him what he wants him to do, to lie, he makes it look as if he has something to cover up. Steve tries to make out that it's better if his father remembers for himself, in his own time. Gareh reassures him that this was all he said and Steve is suitably placated.

Modagon Man espies Maxine in the pub... she is dolled up to the nines, whereas he is casually dressed. She asks for confirmation that their date was for tonight. He applies in the affirmative and, noticing she is all dressed up, he comments that she looks sensational. She is flattered by this. "Would have made more of Han effort myself, if I'd known" he says, as he orders a pint.

We are Maison Battersby. Toyotah is trying to watch the TV, but is disturbed and irritated by Les rattling through a magazine. He tells her he's reading and she quips "I thought I could see your lips moving" in the night's snappiest comment. He tells her that the country watches too much TV and that we are breeding a nation of illiterates. He is looking at the fashion section of her magazine and asks her "is this what men of today are wearing, skimpy tops and goofy glasses? They look right wazzocks". He sees a photo of a reefer jacket and comments that he wore one of those in the 60s and that they went out with the Ark - Toyotah tells him that they have been back in fashion for ages. "So, are you saying, if I dressed up like this, I'd have women falling all over me." In the look of disdain which only teenagers have mastered, she suggests that he sticks to his best suit.

Back at the pub, Greg orders another drink. Maxine thinks they ought to be moving on, as planned, to the restaurant, to Viagiatores. He twigs what has happened and says that he was wondering why she was all dressed up. "Only, it's not a restaurant, it was just me being stupid, it's Italian, it means traveller, or Rovers.... I should have explained." "Yeah, well we can't all speak Italian", she replies, as she realises they are not going anywhere - they have arrived at their destination. He explains that it was the name of a company for which he worked. "A simple misunderstanding, I suppose" says a crestfallen Maxine. In an attempt to make up, he suggests that they can always go for a pizza - you can really tell that she is impressed...not!

Nasty has come back into the pub - she is pleased that Samantha has found her missing ring and brings some flowers in for Sammy as a thank you. Des is perplexed and asks what she is playing at. She says that she was grateful to Orangina for finding it and was being polite.

Greg has pangs of guilt regarding the faux pas and asks whether she bought it especially .. she lies and denies this. He is relieved and says that she must have some amazing clothes ... she flutters her eyelashes and does her "I do my best" routine. Party-pooper Les moves in to kill the atmosphere and asks if they mind him joining them, maybe they could have a game of darts. "Wow, Maxine! You look fan-tastic" he drools "ooh, I hope you're taking her somewhere nice, son". Greg tells him that they may be going for a meal later... Les suggests that he might tag along. He asks whether Greg contacted his mother, but Greg tells him he doesn't think it's a good idea. "So you think I'd be flogging a dead horse, if I was to get in touch" is Les' reply, but Greg, reiterates that he should leave things.

Nasty is still explaining to Des that Samantha had found her ring, but Des sees her milking the situation for all its worth. Nasty tries to reassure him that, actually, Sammy is embarrassed by it all. He wonders what side nasty is on. She points out that the issue is not one of taking sides, she has to work with the woman. ""She did me a big favour, what am I supposed to do? Kick her in the teeth?" she asks Des. He recommends her keeping her distance, saying that she is playing games. Nasty tells him that Samantha has been alright with her and she's not going to fall out with her forever, just because of what happened between Des and Sam.

Les, is still with Greg and Maxine - ever the tactful diplomat, says "So, are we going for this meal, then, or what?" Greg plucks up courage to tell him that he and Maxine would rather be on their own. Les realises he's being a gooseberry and looks to get a game of darts with someone else. In the process, he spills his drink all over Maxine's new dress. He apologises profusely, as Maxine's date takes another turn for the worse.

We are back at Ashley's - he's telling Tilly that he's been to see Zoe. Tilly asks whether he's decided whether or not to finish with Zoe and, reluctantly Ashley admits that it is the only way. He is feeling very guilty at making his decision and snaps at Nick, saying he has his own life to consider. "I know what you're all saying... it's good old Ashley this, good old Ashley that, ain't he wonderful for standing by her, then when I gave her the elbow I'll be some kind of monster. It's what you think, isn't it?" Nick tells him to calm down but its clear Ashley is pretty cranked up. He says that Maude had advised him to make his decision known to Zoe promptly, because it would be worse for her otherwise. Nick isn't impressed by Maude's credentials, "What does she know?", he asks. "A lot more than you think", replies Ashley. He says that he is going to tell her that he's finishing with her, tomorrow.

Greg has driven Maxine back home and apologises about her dress getting soiled. She tells him that it was not his fault, it was his father. However, he says that she wouldn't have had the dress on, had he not been such a prat. He is impressed by the property she lives in, asking whether she's renting. He asks himself in, so she can get changed and maybe, they can then go on somewhere else. She is Ok about it, but warns that her mother and father will be in - it's their house. "You live with your parents," he says, clearly disappointed. She explains she was kicked out of her last place, so it's only a temporary arrangement, so they won't mind him coming in. He takes fright and decides not to bother coming in. She suggests him waiting outside. But he now tells her that he feels very tired and suggests another time. Exit Maxine, very upset as to how the evening turned out in comparison to her hopes, as Greg drives away.

We are Jim's bedside, with Steve and Liz. He is quizzing Steve why he hadn't told him about the accident - Steve's excuse is that he didn't want his father getting upset. In response to his father's request, he tells Jim what happened - he had come to see him at the Victoria Street flats, that he was angry with Steve, that he had been drinking, that they hadn't exactly been seeing eye-to-eye with each other for ages, that he let fly at him and slipped. Jim is frustrated at being unable to remember any of this. Liz tells him it really doesn't matter, but Jim doesn't see it that way. He is used to being in control, now "my bloody brain doesn't work. I'm stuck here, it's driving me daft, so it is". Liz tries to explain to him that he has been in a coma for two weeks - it is going to take time. He asks whether there is any likely date for him to go home, but Liz is unable to give him that comfort. "I've never been one for lying about doing nothing and I don't intend to start now, OK?" He tells Steve that he doesn't have a clue what the row was all about but asks for his help. Steve agrees and Liz also lends her support. "Because I tell you one thing, I intend to be out of here before too much longer, you watch me", says Jim as the episode ends with Steve looking on pensively.

Cue music and credits

Episode written by Martin Allen
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well, how was it for me? Well, not one of life's most exciting episodes. One of those building up to the punchline - a lot of "will-they, won't-they". There's Jim and his spinal injuries, where he doesn't yet know the extent of the problems ahead of him. There's Ashley is his quandary as to how best to finish with Zoe.

Probably stars of the show for me were the following:

Ashley Peacock, for the sensitive protrayal of the dilemma facing him.

Les Battersby, scallywag extra-ordinaire... great comic touches and nice timing. A lovable rogue.

Witty comment of the episode from Toyah regarding seeing Les Batterby's lips moving as he's reading.

And that's it for another week. Now next week, we are going away for a few days, leaving the house in our son's capable hands - thank God for insurance - so the update will not appear until Thursday.

Until then.. take care now....

Love and kisses from The Mad Polak

Regards, Alan


Sunday 17 May

Greetings from sunny Stockport. It makes a pleasant change to be able to say something like that rather than "greetings from the grim North" which is more accurate through most of the year. Typically, having just written that, I glance outside and see that the sun has disappeared. The sky is doing its best to look moody and tough, but like Steve Macdonald we know this is just a poor act. Someone pressed the "Summer" button last week and we have been treated to a very fine spell indeed over the last few days. So much so that I have been spotted in shorts and very little else out and about bringing down the tone of the neighbourhood (we live in one of those streets where your social standing is judged on how frequently the local over-priced interior decorator's van is seen outside). Sending your hubby out to wash windows, cut grass, and wash cars does very little for Lady L, but as I've said to her many a time, if we have to have the holidays in Mustique every year, then something has to give.

No doubt many of you will have heard of the Spring Pingfest, which took place in London last Sunday. I couldn't make it - in any case I'm a bit of a shy retiring type and to be honest the big smoke isn't my cup of tea since we escaped many years ago. However, it sounds as if everyone had a great time and made many new friends. If you don't have Web access to visit the photo pages, I can truthfully say that they appear to be a completely normal looking bunch (I'm not sure you could say that about the regulars in some other newsgroups !).

While they were all sleeping off a pingful of hangovers, I was spending Sunday walking about the Peak District. It was an absolutely glorious day, topped off with a couple of hours in the garden of an excellent pub, whose location shall remain a closely guarded secret. A pint of well-kept Theakstons goes down a treat in the sun-drenched garden of a typical British country pub in a quiet river valley. Then the chef appeared mid-afternoon with the news that they had over-catered for Sunday lunch and would we care to finish off the surplus roasties and Yorkshire puds on the house. Does life get any better than this ?

On that note, it's time to sit down, relax, and let the opening bars of that famous theme tune gently introduce the latest goings-on in the terraced streets of Weatherfield...

(One last thing, if all the letters on the left side of the keyboard look a little faint this week, it's because my left arm's a bit wobbly after I gave blood on Monday and the nurse managed to lean most of her body weight on the vein after the needle came out. In true stiff upper-lip tradition, the whimper was barely audible. Anyway, the arm's still a bit funny. Just as well they don't use my beer-drinking side !!)

Act 1
Nick is rushing downstairs to check the day's post, before Leanne follows him down. He opens one envelope to find a hand-written letter with a prison stamp at the top, which he hurriedly stuffs in his pocket as his unsuspecting wife appears. Leanne is still worried about the prospect of Darren Whately getting in touch, but Nick assures her that they have been worrying about nothing. "You would tell me, if he did write ?", she asks. It must be too early in the morning for the normally unerring female intuition to tell her that Nick looks altogether too shifty. For a plank.

In Fiona's salon, Audreh and Fi await Maxine's arrival with interest. Come on love, tell us all the gory details, they encourage her. Maxine is very deflated, however. She explains about the mix-up over the venue, and how she spent much of the evening in the Rovers instead. Fiona is barely able to conceal a terrific smirk behind one hand, especially when we hear that Les rounded off the date in style by tipping a pint of beer over the, ahem, "new" dress, as a result of which Greg drove Maxine home to find out that she was still living with her parents. [Gawd, I thought parents these days were having trouble getting rid of their adult offspring before the age of 30, it's almost uncool to be in your own place. Eee, when I were nobbut a lad, it were out of t' door at 17, and don't forget to phone home.] Maxine concludes that she has "blown it" with Greg.

In the hospital, Liz talking to Jim's doctor. She is worried that Jim does not know how serious his condition really is, and they agree that it is time that he is told. Liz and Steve will be there, for support. Imagine that ! You're in deep poo, but your slapper ex-wife and son who hates you will be there to hold your hand. Just hit the switch, Jim, we understand.

Back at Ashley's house, Martin has come round to see Nick, who is fiddling with the grip on his tennis racquet. [Tonight's episode of Coronation Street is sponsored by Slazenger.] R Gail is still worried about Nick and thinks there is still something bothering him. Is it something to do with his Dad's death [by woodworm, we recall] ? As Martin gets nearer the truth, Nick becomes animated [tis a sight to behold, but there is *much* better to come], suggesting that R Brian's death suits Martin fine, what with him getting together with Gail. Martin is understandably annoyed with this idea, and points out that he has never tried to be a substitute Brian, for one thing his facial expressions are too numerous, and in any case Gail and Brian had been separated before his death. Nick concedes that this is true, but he still wants to know why his Dad died. Martin tells him that there was no reason, and that Nick is just torturing himself by continually thinking about it. Eventually, Nick asks to be left alone.

In the corner shop, Fred asks Ashley if he is off to the hospital again that day. "In me dinner break", replies our hero. Ashley thinks that his uncle is gloating over the situation, having been proved right. "Not at all, in fact I'd grown quite accustomed to Zoe", replies Fred, but undoes this by adding "even if she were an unsuitable mother". He again tells Ashley to cut loose, and to his surprise Ashley tells him that he has already decided to do so.

Chez Battersby, Les is on the phone to his mate, Charlie, asking, nay demanding, a loan of his car the following evening. It appears that although Charlie is none too cooperative, Les has some hold over him by way of a shed-full of dodgy car stereos that he is minding, and Charlie reluctantly agrees. Toyah just misses the tail end of this conversation as she walks in, wondering why Les is looking so cheerful. As he tries to tell her this is his normal demeanour, she grunts at him. [No really, just picture the typical teenage response to most things not directly affecting them.] [Incidentally, the Battersbys own the most tacky phone you have ever seen, some sort of illuminated clear plastic monstrosity in a garish pink and purple effect.] Janice arrives, with the good news that she has a rare treat for their tea, one of Fred's large meat pies, those gravy granules that you like, and some real new potatoes. She is in such a good mood, she suggest they go out for a curry the next night, but Les fobs her off with his story that he has already agreed to go out with an (unnamed) mate. "You don't seem to want to be with me", she says, on hearing that he won't change his arrangements, "I make some effort for you, and you panic". How about next weekend, Les suggests.

In the Rovers, Vera informs Jack that there is 25 quid missing from the petty cash box. In the background, Samantha is looking very suspicious. Audrey arrives to find Ashley nursing the remains of his drink. She suggests that he should get back together with Maxine, "as you're a right miserable pair this morning". Cheered by this, he leaves pronto. Vera asks Samantha and Natalie to come through the back, for a quick word.

Wherever Zoe is, we find her with Ashley as she is getting herself a cup of something from the vending machine. "It's not very nice, they think us loonies won't notice", she tells him. Ashley looks grave, and tells her that he has something important to say. But before he gets to say anything further, Zoe, who is looking much more cheerful, tells him how well she is feeling and how much the group therapy sessions have helped her cope. She thinks she will be out soon, and says how the incident at the canal seems ages ago, and how sorry she is for what she did to Fiona. Ashley is still struggling to get his words out as she explains how much it helps her to know that he is there for her too.

In the funniest thing we have seen for some time, we cut to the prison where Darren is handed a phone by a warder. It's R Nicky, who has decided to call. [Is this *really* allowed ? I wonder.] The only problem is, someone has overloaded Tilly's brain with directions, and his face takes off in some strange gurning competition by itself. We imagine it is supposed to be barely suppressed anger, but it comes across as hysterically funny instead. Darren puts the phone down on the near-silent nutter at the other end.

Intermission
Amid the usual collection of dross, we get one for the Sun, which dedicates itself to "the people of Britain". I nearly launch my slippers at the box in protest at this condescension. If there's any Aussies out there, *please* take that Murdoch back ! We'll repeal all your sentences, honest.

To be fair, there are some better adverts to be seem, but the break in the middle of "the nation's favourite" [that's Cadburys' slogan, we'll agree with that at least] often seems to sport the worst of the crop. Even the British Telecom commercials are rising above the average at the moment, helped no end by some nice choice of music. I know it sounds rather naff, but "Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile)" by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel [yes, ok, "who?" I can hear some of you saying] is one of those songs that always makes me feel better whenever I hear it. It does make me smile. I can only plead it is reminiscent of a defining era in my life, probably the one with the spots and the huge feet and the first 5 chest hairs. More of my "happy tunes" would include Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" and the incomparable Van the Man telling us about his "Brown Eyed Girl".

Now where we ? Oh yes...

Act 2
It's showdown in the back room of the Rovers, as Vera confronts the staff about the missing 25 quid. Before you can blink, Samantha is telling her how she would be very offended if she was accused of dishonesty, which of course she isn't, not just yet, no at the moment it's just a mystery. Anyway, "only you and Jack have a key", she announces. Natalie admits that she has a key too, but that she hasn't been near it that day. Jack has, though, to pay the window cleaner, and he often forgets to take the key out. We leave them with arms crossed pointing fingers at everyone else.

Zoe is still bubbling over with new-found joy in life. Ashley is doing a fine job of looking really awkward as he again tries to break his news to her. But it's full steam ahead as she tells him they should both get away, to London, and start a new life there. Together. Ashley looks like his world is falling in on him again and he is powerless to do anything about it.

Steve is buying something in the Kabin, as Rita asks after Jim. Steve admits that his Dad may never walk again. She wishes him luck as he leaves, as Leanne comes through with a cup of tea. She observes that by contrast, things are going really well with her and Nick at the moment. [Remove those blinkers, young lady !]

Jack and Vera are discussing the missing cash. Vera suggests that the finger of suspicion is pointing firmly at Natalie, as Samantha enters. She has come to stick up for Natalie, by way of reminding Vera that even if she had taken the money, she was probably upset at the lost ring incident. [With friends like that...] On the way back to the bar, Sam places a key in a jacket pocket in the hallway. So now we know.

In the hospital, the Macdonald clan have gathered, along with Jim's doctor. Jim is still concerned that he can remember very little from before the accident. [The sight of Liz's hair or Steve's cadaverous pallor appears not to bother him however, so it must be months lost, presumably.] The doctor tells Jim that the future is not certain, but it's possible that he may never walk again. Either way, he will need a wheelchair in the near future. As the doctor leaves, Jim stares into space. Steve looks as if he is trying to remember whether it's next week he's due for some more sleep, or the week after.

Janice and Les and Greg are having a drink in the Rovers. Charlie arrives, and Les takes him to one side to avoid anyone else overhearing their conversation. Charlie offers Les his pickup instead of his car, claiming that he is taking his own wife out. Les informs him that has someone to impress, and he needs the car. In the background, it almost looks as if Greg has clocked some of this, but if he did nothing more is said.

Martin advises Gail to leave Nick alone with his problems, whatever they are.

The Muppets arrive, and on seeing Greg already there, Maxine turns to rush off. Fiona is enjoying it all too much though, and shoves her towards the bar. Greg apologises for the earlier disaster, and tells he would like to take her out again. Maxine gets that "ooh, I think me knickers are on the way down again" look, and Greg suggests they have dinner in his hotel the following evening. [Rumpeh pumpeh alert !]

Ashley is back home, telling Nick that he hadn't been able to tell Zoe that it was all over. Leanne bursts in, sporting a bottle of something fizzy to celebrate her pay rise. "We're so lucky !" she gushes. Nick looks as if he has just crapped himself. [What a tangled web we weave, my mother used to say.]

Back at the hospital, Liz is begging Jim to say something - he looks almost catatonic. "There's still hope. We'll help you fight." Jim retorts "Aye, you can help push my wheelchair !". Liz bubbles on about how they've tidied up the house, and how he'll also get visits from the occupational therapist, and a social worker. This sends Jim over the edge and he struggles upright and sweeps everything off his bed tray angrily. "If that's all life has to offer me, I'll top meself first !".

This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.

Another middling episode this week, with lots of different storylines all moving on, some involving, some just fluff. I think it's time Samantha just upped and left. After a reasonably promising start (the biker chick with the mystery past) she's now been turned into the psychotic ex-lover. Boring. (And the fake tan is irritating.) I can't make up my mind what I want to see happen to Jim. He's another character that lurches between the friendly happy-go-lucky mate, and the alcoholic soak. Or the suicidal paraplegic, as at the moment.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Best line: Oops, I haven't noted much dialogue this week. There was a nice bit of repartee when Audreh prompted Ashley's rushed departure from the Rovers, saying "Young folk, I just can't understand them !". Natalie responded with "I think it works both ways, Audrey !", and turned to the till, leaving Audrey bemused.

Best scene: Well, best and worst this week. I really can't describe what Nick looked like on the phone to Darren, but if you can imagine he might have had something in one eye, was trying to look at the corner of his mouth with the other eye, while simultaneously straining against some particularly bad constipation, that's somewhere in the ball park ! It was hilarious.

After all that, it *is* raining now !

Signing off, John Laird


Monday 18 May

Greetings one and all

My head is still slightly fuzzy after the London ping, but I'm bravely soldiering on, after all a promise is a promise, even if the promise was made after consuming large (and I mean LARGE) amounts of Theakstone's Bitter. But I promised to do Deweys Monday update, and here it is in all its glory.

But before I tell you about tonights show I have an apology to make. A long long time ago, when I was doing a regular spot as an updater, I started to tell you about my experiences after deciding to follow in Jon Lindsay's footsteps. Well, I started but I didn't finish, and a few people have mentioned to me that they are still sat on the edge of their seats awaiting the second and final installment of that sad tale. I would love to continue with that story here and now, but I won't. But I promise that the next time I do an update, or maybe the time after, I will put you all out of your misery and tell you what happened.

So, without further ado, it's on with the show...... here are some of the comings and goings on Coronation Street on Monday 18th May.

The show tonight was sponsored by a chocolate manufacturer who,s name I forget, maybe it was Nestle or Rowntree.

Nick and Ashley are sitting down to breakfast when the postman arrives bearing bills, bills and more bills..... and a letter for Leanne. It's a letter from that nasty man in prison.... noooo.... not Jon the lying fake ex-pilot.... it's from the nasty man who did us all such a big favour all those years ago when he dispatched that ugly bloke with the big muscles and no acting talent...... R Brian. Nick is anxious to hide the letter from Leanne, but Ashley wants to know why. Eventually Nick has to admit to Ashley what a total prat he's been in writing to the aforementioned villain. Ashley seems to understand and lets the matter rest.... for now at least.

Big Jim is still in his hospital bed so he is. A slightly less frizzy Liz comes to see him. Jim isn't feeling too happy with himself. He tells ex-wifey that he's been lying awake all night asking himself 'why me?', and that as dawn broke he realised the answer. The answer is 'Why not?'. Liz tells him that he has a lot of faults (nice woman) but then she goes on to tell him that he's never been a quitter, and that it's up to him whether or not he ever walks again.

Back with Nick and Ashley and Nick opens the letter that is addressed to Leanne. It's a prison visiting form. The chappy who Nick wrote to now wants Leanne to go to visit him in jail.

In the corner shop Fred is complaining to Maude about Ashley being late for work. Just then Ashley arrives. Fred congratulates Ashley on giving Zoe her marching orders, but Ashley once again disappoints his uncle Fred by telling him that he is standing by Zoe. 'Mrs Grimes' says Fred to Maude 'talk to the lad will you?'

In the Rovers Vera asks Natalie for her key to the petty cash box. It looks as if she suspects Natalie of being less than honest. Meanwhile Les comes in and taps a pint off Gary. He tells Gary that he's playing away from home tonight, and just in case Gary is too daft to understand what he means he spells it out. He says that he's going to be 'seeing' Gregs mum and he goes on to say that she's a very lucky lady to be on the receiving end of his dubious charms.

Then it's the adverts - so here's an advert....

In October there's going to be a bit of a do in Blackpool. It will be advertised on ratucs relentlessly, so you have no excuse for not being there. If the London ping on Saturday is anything to judge it by it will be totally excellent.

SOOOOOOOO........ be there or be an EastEnders fan

and now back to the show......

Les comes downstairs in his best suit. Janice wants to know what he's up to, so he gives her a cock and bull story about how he's going out with his mate Charlie West (the bloke who sold him Teresa Turkey at Xmas) to talk business. He says that they're going to start selling turkeys in a big way. Janice doesn't believe him but doesn't seem too bothered as he slams the door behind him.

Les meets Charlie in the Rovers. Les asks Charlie if he's got the car. Charlie says that he has and that it's the Jag, but tells Les to be careful because the bloke who it belongs to doesn't know that he's lending it to him. As they finish their drinks and set off Les says that he'll drop Charlie off at another pub. He doesn't want Janice to find Charlie in the Rovers after he's told her that they're having a business meeting.

Nick calls in to see Martin to apologise for the things he said to him. Martin says it's OK and that sometimes it's good to get things off your chest (Why is Martin always so bloody understanding? I'm sure he's not human).

Les arrives at Greg's mums house in the Jag. He's stopped off on the way to steal a bunch of flowers from a grave yard. When she answers the door Les tells her she hasn't changed a bit, she says that he has, but that as soon as he opened his mouth she knew it was him.

Maxine is at a hotel having a meal with Greg. Greg is telling her what a hard childhood he had, and that his mum brought him up single handed in Warrington. Strangely enough he never mentions where he acquired his London accent, but maybe that's the way they speak over in Warrington, although I think not.

Back at Greg's mums house Les is making himself at home. He tells Moira (Gregs mum) that he used to have a house like hers, but that he sold it and bought a 'nice little pomme de terre' instead. 'Pomme de terre?' asks Moira slightly baffled 'It's French' says Les 'it means little pad'. Moira smiles to herself and pours them both a drink.

Moira sits on the settee and Les sits very close to her and mentions that she must have been heart broken that she couldn't find him to let him know that he'd got her 'up the duff'. Moira doesn't seem to like the way the evening is going.

In the Rovers Natalie is arranging a date with Des, but finds that she can't get the time off work due to the wicked witch of the west (Sam) being away for a week.

Back with Les and Moira Les pats her on the bum and tells her that's she's still a good looking woman. Moira seems to be finding it hard not hitting him....... I'm finding it difficult even watching this storyline..... the bloke who plays Les is SUCH a bad actor.... but I'll wade through this rubbish cos it does have a promising outcome. Les notices the staircase and says that he bets that it goes up to the bedroom (full marks for subtlety Les). Moira decides to put the flowers Les bought her in water. She sees that there's a card in the flowers, 'Gone but not forgotten' she reads 'from Pat and Eric and all at number 94' on reading this she realises that Les must have pinched the flowers from a graveyard. Moira is not a happy bunny. She tells Les that he hasn't changed, that he's still the lying conniving low life toe-rag that he always was.

Steve has joined Liz at Jim's bedside. Steve offers to pay for someone to look after Jim when he gets home. Jim says that he won't let him do that.

Then we're back with Les and Moira. She tells him that Greg has told her all about him, including Janice. She goes on to explain that she really doesn't like him very much and she tells him that its obviously her money that he's after. Les says that if he was after money he'd tap off Greg. Moira tells him that the only money that Greg has is the money she gives him, and that if he doesn't get a job soon that she'll stop giving him that. She tells him to get lost, whacks him over the head with the flowers, and slams the door behind him.

Back at the hospital Liz tells Jim that she'll come in to do all his cooking and cleaning when he gets home. He seems to prefer this to Steve's offer of paying someone else to do it.

In the hotel Maxine and Greg have finished their meal. Greg asks her if she wants to come up to his room for a night-cap or something. Maxine giggles and I wonder if this is a case of history repeating itself, like father like son and all that.

Les is driving the 'borrowed' Jag. He's drinking beer as he drives and is telling himself that Moira is just a bitter woman. He tells himself that she had no right to call him a loser 'there's no way I'm one of them' says Les as he crashes into the back of a stationary police car!

Remember earlier when I said that the Les storyline had a promising outcome? Well we all know how much Brian Park likes police stations and prisons in his version of Coronation Street, so maybe this is his way of getting rid of Les. There'll be a quick court case and Les will get sent down, and we won't have to suffer his awful lack of acting talent any more...... hooray!

So that's the end of another update. I hope I haven't offended anyone by saying what I really think about certain aspects of tonight's show.

Until next time I'll say.......... Bye for now

Ian Harding


Wednesday 20 May

Dear Update Readers,

I once asked Glenda Young whether she liked opera. "Oh, I don't mind her," she replied, "but I prefer Ricki Lake." (Didn't I tell you that Durham was a cultural wasteland, twinned with the Gobi Desert?)

Opera, someone once said, is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding to death, he starts to sing. Some people disparage opera because of the outlandish plots, while others find the 'talky bits' far too artificial for comfort. I've yet to find anyone, however, who doesn't like the odd dramatic aria every once in a while. Unlike my taste in men, which is pretty wide-ranging (i.e. anything with a pulse, basically - and even the pulse is optional), my taste in opera is selective, with Puccini and Verdi coming out on top every time. However, while opera has been a source of great joy for me down the years, recently it has started to become a right royal pain in the ass. Let me explain.

Someone once said: "Try everything once - apart from incest and folk-dancing." Well I would add another experience to avoid: don't go to bed with a second-generation Italian taxi-driver who, at the 'point of no return', suddenly starts singing at the top of his voice. Singing opera. And singing opera very badly indeed. Where others would grunt or groan, or shout "Yes, yes, YES!", C suddenly murders "Un Bel Di" from "Madame Butterfly", or mauls something from "Aida". And it carries on and on, right through the post-coital fag, into the shower and out again, before trailing away mercifully as the kettle whistles and the coffee is poured. (I ask myself, Is this how Kiri Te Kanawa did *her* training? Is that why Jose Carreras's growth is stunted? The mind boggles). But even worse than C's voice is the fact that the walls of his flat are paper-thin. Yet instead of banging on the wall to tell him to shut up, his irate nextdoor neighbour (a dead-ringer for RATUCS's very own Rattler) tries to drown out C's caterwauling by playing Abba music at full volume. And here am I in the middle, trapped in stereo terror, with "Dancing Queen" on one side and a hopelessly tuneless opera queen on the other. (A fact to which the awful pictures of me at the Ping will testify. Vivienne Smith got it spot on when she described me as a cross between Euan McGregor and Dracula. Add to which I was smashed out of my head and you'll see why, as Glenda Young herself admits, it's more a caricature of me than me myself in those photos. Ian Harding will be hearing from my solicitor shortly). Anyway, C has said that he'll try to curtail the long arias from "La Boheme" and go for short snatches of "Rigoletto" instead. It could be worse, I suppose. I just thank my lucky stars that he's not second-generation German, because fourteen hours of Wagner's "Ring" would definitely push me over the edge.

But enough of these operatic orgasms and on to:

The episode opens in Warrington police station, where Les is being held on charges of drunken driving. Les is desperate to be out of there, but the arresting officer refuses to let him go until it is established beyond all reasonable doubt that Charlie West (Les's criminal mate) was the one who lent Les the car in the first place. The officer tells Les that he should ring his wife, not least because he (the officer) loves those kind of calls. (A sadistic British police officer? Surely a contradiction in terms?! Remember the public awareness campaign a few years back? "Give the police a helping hand: beat yourself up!") Anyway, Les gets to make a phone call, but not to Janice.

Talking of Janice, she's doing what wives and lovers since time immemorial have done: she's curled up on the sofa, mascara tear stains on her face, waiting for her man to come home. (Come on girls, and some of you guys, we've all been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, slept with the T-shirt seller. Well I know I have.) Janice clearly fears the worst, namely that Les is out with a woman. (And that's the worst? There's many a time my parents waited up for me to come home under similar circumstances, and they would have been cock-a-hoop if I'd been out with a woman!). Anyway, Toyah - God bless her - is on hand to provide sympathy, which she does with all the subtlety of a ten-minute blowjob on a crowded bus. "He's winding you up," she says. "You get all dolled up; he stays out all night and now you stay up waiting for him! Anyway, he can't be with a woman: who'd look at *him*? The only women that would look at him have white sticks!" A tearful Janice retorts: "You might not think that Les is all that much, but he's all I've got!" (Not true, Janice, I know someone down in Kidlington who'd have you like a shot!). Toyah, however, is not convinced. "So what are you going to do? Sit up all night and wait till he rolls in so you can check to see if he's got lippy on his collar?" Janice cries out in exasperation: "Yes, Toyah - that's what you *do* when you're married."

Now, boys, do you remember that little trick you picked up when you were with the Scouts? (No, Dewey, not *that* one!). I'm talking about rubbing two sticks together. Well, in the opening shot of the next scene, we see just that: two sticks of wood (Maxime and Greg) rubbing together. Yes, it's tonsillectomy time, folks, and Maxime and Greg are giving it their all. But there are no sparks and thus no flames: this pair can't even snog convincingly. And yes, Greg's still wearing brown, doing for that colour what John Major once did for grey, but with less panache. (Mike Plowman in his CSVU page, commenting on Greg's penchant for brown, asked whether there were such things as brown condoms. Well in my experience, Mike, all condoms are brown - eventually..). The Woodentops move slowly to the bed, but not before Greg suggests they have a drink. "Why?" simpers Maxime. "Are you trying to say you need Dutch courage?" Greg smiles a toothsome smile and says nothing, pouring Maxime a glass of champagne instead. "Ooh, champagne", trills Maxime. "One sip of champagne and I have to lie down." (A girl after my own heart, clearly! Only with me, the champagne is optional). And so they move to the bed and resume the lips-and-tongue stuff, but then, just as they're about to throw caution to the winds and make the 'beast with two backs', coitus interruptus strikes - in the form of a ringing telephone. Greg whips out his mobile only to find that it is Les at the other end. Les is in trouble and needs Greg's help. So what does Greg do? He leaves Maxime dangling and rushes off to help his dad. Top man! Greg tells her that he'll be back in an hour and then rushes off to do his good deed for the evening, leaving Maxime alone and frustrated.

At the Rovers, Ashley and Gary are discussing Zoe and her eventual release from the Weatherfield equivalent of Bedlam. Ash tells Gary that Zoe is looking forward to coming home - something which Gary can't quite understand, given all of the bad memories that 'home' (i.e. the Street) must hold for her. But Ashley is adamant that all will be well. Gary tells him what a sterling chap he is for having looked after Zoe so well, and that she should appreciate what a wonderful chap she has. (Too true! Guys like Ashley are rare diamonds in the stinking black slagheap that is known as the 'world of the male', RATUCS men excepted, of course). Also in the Rovers is Steve 'Cadaver Boy' McDonald, who is telling Vera that Jim has refused Steve's offer of a full-time nurse. "That's ridiculous," says Vera. "He can't cope when he's up and about, let alone the state he's in now!" Steve says that Jim wants La Mouton - and La Mouton - alone to nurse him. (Obviously Jim is enjoying his vegetative state and wants it to continue as long as possible.)

At the cop shop, Greg has arrived to bail Les out. "I'll vouch for him," Greg says to the arresting officer. The arresting officer isn't that impressed. It still isn't clear that Les has been telling the truth and the police are waiting to confirm whether Charlie West exists or not. Meanwhile, Les tries a bit of bribery and encourages Greg to slip the officer something. A couple of hundred should do it, Les asserts. "Don't even think of it," warns the officer. Greg says that he would never stoop that low. (Why on earth not? After all, you're going out with Maxime, aren't you? If you can slip her something, you can do the same to the police. Having said that, while I don't condone bribery, the occasional "Ooh, excuse me, officer, but I appear to be sitting on your face" is an excellent way of avoiding parking fines. Allegedly). Eventually, word comes through that Charlie West does, indeed, exist, and Greg is allowed to take Les home. "What will you tell Janice?" asks Greg. "Well if I tell her I was in Warrington," says Les, "she'll know exactly what I was doing." Alarm bells begin to ring out in Greg's head. "And just what *were* you doing in Warrington?" he asks. "I was seeing your mother," answers Les. Greg attempts a pissed-off look, but fails. "Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse," says Greg, shaking his head. (Which sums up exactly what I thought of the acting in this scene. Talk about wooden! The actors in this scene gave us a virtual forest).

Back in the hotel, Maxime is lying on the bed with a bottle in her hand. (Could anyone be *that* desperate?) But no, she's drinking from it, trying to forget. (Some drink to remember; others to forget. Maxime drinks because it's in the script, and she can't even do that convincingly).

Les and Greg arrive back at the Battersby residence. Janice, in full harridan mode, pounces on Les as soon as he comes through the door, but Les jumps in quickly to pre-empt her by saying that he has just come back from the hospital, a fact to which Greg will attest. Janice, like women/suckers everywhere, melts immediately and comes over all compassionate. Greg tries to look embarrassed, but just looks, well, like Greg. Brown and unconvincing. He wants to leave, to get back to Maxime, but Janice is having none of it. She sits him and Les down and begins to listen to their story.

Back at the hotel, Maxime is emptying the contents of the mini-bar into her bag. (Just a little point here. I've probably been in more hotel bedrooms than the Gideon Bible, and never, ever, have I seen a mini-bar so well-stocked. Just a point.) Anyway, she calls a taxi - the bill to go on the room account - and heads back to Weatherfield.

[The commercial break came at this point, and not a moment too soon in my opinion]

At the House of Elliot, Leanne tells Tilly that he looks pale and asks him whether he's okay. ["Okay?" says Tilly. "What kind of question is that? I can't act; I've got a zit on me forehead so big it could double as Vesuvius; and I'm a mincing nelly with a lower sperm count than half the women in this street. And you ask me if I'm okay?!] Actually, Tilly doesn't say this; he just shrugs it off and says he's fine. When Leanne has gone, Tilly takes out the visiting order sent by Darren Whately. Ashley, for it is he, sees the order and grills Tilly over it. "You haven't told her, then?" he says. Tilly says that the only thing he can do now is see Whately himself. "I'll see him and tell him to leave us alone," he whimpers. Ashley shakes his head, wondering what the youth of today are coming to.

At the Battersby residence, Les has turned things around completely for he is now being feted as a hero, complete with breakfast on a tray. "I want everyone who thinks you're a waster to know what a hero you are," beams Janice, "for pulling that Charlie West out of his burning car." (Wonderful! I've used some outrageous excuses in my time, but Les must surely win an award for the most inventive!) Les, naturally, wants to hide this particular light of his under a very big bushel, but Janice is clearly ready to tell the world. (No problem there, Janice, just give Audreh 'CNN' Roberts a ring and she'll do it for you). "You're far too modest, Les," gushes Janice. "By the way, are you going to see that Charlie West in hospital?" Les's toast turns to stone in his mouth. "Cause if you are," continues Janice, "I'll come with you and give him a piece of my mind. He could have killed someone, driving in that state. He could have killed *you*". (I take it back about the excuse!)

At the hospital - the one where Charlie West isn't lying with third-degree burns - our vegetating Irish brickie friend is telling La Mouton, who has just come back from a tea break, how much he appreciates her giving up so much of her time. La Mouton smiles and says it's the least she can do. (Too true; having shagged Jim's best army mucker all those years ago, you don't deserve a tea break, dear). Jim says that Steve has been telling him about the accident. "But it's as though he's talking about someone else," Jim moans. La Mouton tells him that everything will be okay. (Oh how I hate it when someone tells me "everything will be okay". In my experience, those words are nearly always a precursor to a huge load of shit hitting a very big fan.) Jim is not as stupid as he looks. "No, Elizabeth, it won't be okay! My legs don't work and I don't even know why I'm lying here." (It would have been unkind of her, granted, but La Mouton could have picked up on Jim's sudden need for truth by mentioning that awful tank-top; but not even she could be that cruel. And why, while we're on the subject of bad taste, have they shaved Jim's eyebrows?)

We move now to the Kabin, where Leanne has just poured tea for Rita and herself. Rita, her back turned, says "Thanks, Mavis." "I may look rough this morning," chirps Leanne, "but when I looked in the mirror it wasn't Mavis Wilton that was looking back at me." Rita laughs. "I'm turning into me mother," she says. "She'd call me Peggy, George, Arthur - anything but Rita!" Leanne smiles wryly and says: "I suppose it hits us all eventually, becoming senile." "Yes," says Rita, "and since I'm so old, and need more beauty sleep than you do, you can get up at six in the morning and do the papers! And you can get that husband of yours to help you!" Rita is joking, of course, although her concern re: Tilly's recent treatment of Leanne is quite serious. Leanne tells her that everything is back to normal, while Rita expresses her fear regarding the danger that Tilly was putting Leanne in by contacting Darren Whately in her name. "Oh, he realises what he did was wrong, and he's now forgiven," says Leanne. Rita beams. "I always thought he was a nice boy (sic)," says Big Red, "and I'm beginning to think that he's made a good choice in you too." Now it's Leanne's turn to beam. [Maxime and Greg, take note: if you want a masterclass in good acting, watch Rita and Leanne at work].

Talking of Tilly, the next very short scene is a shot of him entering HM Prison Manchester. What is he trying to do, pass himself off as Leanne? Oh well, no problem there then.

We move on to the Rovers, where Janice has already broadcast the news of Les's heroic deed to an amazed Jack and Vera Duckworth. Jack is so impressed with Les's valour that he pulls him a free pint. At this point, an irate Maxime enters and joins Les and Janice at the bar. "I don't suppose you've heard; my Les is a hero!" bubbles Janice. Maxime sneers that *she'd* heard that Les was in jail. Les says that the jail bit was all a pretext, and Maxime moves off in a huff. Maud and Ashley are also drinking together, and Ashley is telling Maud that he plans to take Zoe on holiday as soon as she comes out of Bedlam. "You should be sure of what you want before you go on holiday," Maud advises. Ashley nods his lickle head, and talks of walking around the Lakes or hiking on the fells. "You really get to know someone when you go on holiday with them," opines Maud, thus contradicting her earlier statement. (But isn't that what old women do best, contradict themselves? I mean, one minute my mother tells me that she doesn't mind the fact that I'm on the other bus; the next minute, she's telling me that she wishes I were more like my cousin Charles. I wouldn't mind, but Charles died at birth. See what I mean?). At this point, Greg appears - still in brown. He tries to apologise to Maxime but she is having none of it. (Just as she had none of it in the hotel, I suppose). "I've never been so humiliated in all my life," she says. "Stood up for Les Battersby!" (You got off light, Maxime; I was once dumped for a woman called Sadie, so I know a thing or two about humiliation).

At HM Prison Manchester, Tilly is trying to get past reception. Amazingly, instead of trying to get through as Leanne, which would have worked, he gives some spiel about Leanne being ill, and how he has come in her place. The officer at reception is having none of it, however, and shows him the door.

At 'Hair By Fiona' (a name which surely must be in contravention of the Trades Descriptions act; I've seen people come out of there with more hair than they went in with), Greg has come to apologise yet again to Maxime. "I came ten minutes after you left," he moans. (No comment, but wouldn't you leave, girls?) Anyway, Maxime is not buying his sob story and tells him so in no uncertain terms. Greg immediately has a hissy fit and stamps off. "Maybe I'll call you up sometime," he snarls. "Oh, and you emptying that mini-bar cost me £67 quid." And then, in a puff of rancour, he is off.

Back at the House of Elliot, Ashley tells Tilly that maybe it's for the best that Tilly never got to see Darren Whately in prison. "Anyway, what will you do if you meet him?2 asks Ashley. "I'll know when I see him," says Tilly, trying for all he's might to look even a tiny bit macho and hard. "If I'd seen him, it would all be over and done with. Until I see him, it's unfinished business. I know that this is what I've got to do." (This last line, as you've probably noticed, could have been lifted verbatim from a cheap spaghetti western. On the lips of Clint Eastwood, the words would have sounded almost plausible. But on the lips of Tilly, the guy who makes Julian Clary look like Charles Bronson? I think not.)

And finally, we move back to hospital, and that dysunctional family to end all dysfunctional families, the McDonalds. Jim and Steve are discussing the accident. Jim knows that there was an argument, of sorts, but he needs to know what the argument was about. Steve is dismissive: "You slipped, you fell, end of story. Don't you believe me?" Well, to be honest, the sad Irish brickie doesn't believe him. "Before I leave here," spits Jim, "I want to remember every last second of what happened. Do you hear? Every last second."

And that's it, basically.

So where do we go now? Well I had intended to write all about the ping, but this update is already several days late, so I think I'll postpone all the salacious details until next time. I've got a lot of dirt to dish and beans to spill. I care not a fig for reputations and intend to tell *all*. Yes, even about how I went down on one knee in front of Mike Plowman - bowing before the Master Updater - only to hear him say, "Oh, and while you're down there.....". And I shall tell you all about Annie, and her participation in certain stag night rituals down in darkest Soho. (There were men tied to lamp-posts, onion rings and lashings of tomato ketchup). All will be revealed, in time..


Friday 22 May

Here we are again... not a Sunday morning though. Its late, its Thursday afternoon. Nearly a week after the last programme and here am I about to start my Update and the next one is tomorrow. Apologies for the delay as you may have gathered, I have been away for a few days with er downstairs.. a badly needed break.

Question: Where are you, if you go from New York to Boston to Gibraltar all in the space of one afternoon?

Clue 1: New York is a hamlet, just half a dozen or so houses..

Clue 2: Gibraltar has a nature trail but not an ape in sight..

Answer: In Lincolnshire, England.

Now I didnt know that the Pilgrim Fathers had their roots round that neck of the woods but its one of the many things you discover when you travel around the country, discovering pastures new. More on Gibraltar, a bit later

You also discover when you go away, that even though you enjoy living on the edge of the countryside, in practice, you are a townie. We went off on Saturday morning, for our break in the caravan to a site about 30 miles south east of Lincoln. We needed to get some bits and bobs the following day and figured that Lincoln, as the biggest place for miles around, was the best bet what we hadnt reckoned on was that the city would be shut! I suppose when you live on the edge of the massive Greater Manchester conurbation, you take things like Sunday opening for granted - when even sleepy places like Ashton-under-Lyne and Hyde are open, you certainly expect a tourist centre such as Lincoln to be ready for business. Sure enough the shops and cafes in the old city were open, but we were surprised that the majors in the High Street couldnt be bothered so, no doubt, were loads of other tourists who were around looking for somewhere to spend their money. Such is life!

Anyway, back to Gibraltar well, the nature trail at Gibraltar Point was like an oasis in a cultural desert.. first, you have to make your way through Skegness. Now I readily admit that I am not a great lover of the traditional garish British seaside resort and Skegness certainly lived up to its gruesome expectations. A mile or so of tacky shops, kiss-me-quick hats, string vests, beer-gut bellies and all-over body tattoos.. and the men were just as bad! Nope, you can keep this sort of place what was wonderful was driving just over three miles through the epicentre of this scene of devastation to come to an unspoilt deserted beach, not an ice-cream vendor in sight, no more than a dozen people as far as the eye could see and a lovely natural habitat for wild-life each to their own

Anyway, the whole break was superb we had a great time, very enjoyable, just the two of us, rediscovering each other life after Simon, as we call it.. Hes 17 and having spent a lot of time and energy bringing him up - none of which is resented - its rather nice to start thinking of the things WE want to do, for a change. So, both of us came back feeling a whole lot better than when we set out.

Mind you, it isnt entirely life AFTER Simon hes still around. Wed left him at home, with fridge and freezer well stocked and some ready cash for the essentials in life, namely, beer, beer, beer, and ermm, beer??? Those of you who are, or have been, parents to teenage sons, know a thing or two about lads and their voracious appetites He was inviting a mate or two round to do what teenage boys do best the Grand Slobathon!

We tried to ring home a few times from the site, but without any luck. Anyway, we finally caught up with him on the phone around Tuesday lunchtime, only to find that there had been a power failure at around 7pm on the Saturday evening. When that occurred, our youngest and dearest had phoned for a pizza to be delivered, quite forgetting that the simple fact that just because there was no electricity (therefore no microwave and no sandwich maker) didnt actually stop him cooking or warming up something using the gas cooker or the gas oven. (this, incidentally, is a lad who is an excellent and imaginative cook) But then commonsense isnt exactly a commodity in abundance with teenage lads. "I never thought!" was the excuse greeting us when we got back! Anyway, hed then run out of money, having spent virtually every last penny on beer, so he needed more so he calls on his Gran, who is 89, to borrow some money. He proceeds to tell her that he doesnt have enough money for food and, oh, by the way, he is not feeling very well - he omits to tell her that the cause of said impecuniary state and fragile nervous system is purely self-inflicted, as his illness is nothing more than a king-sized hangover.

So when we finally ring Gran, the heavens open up and a ton of sh*t pours all over us you know the stuff, "how could you leave my little sweetheart (hes the only grandchild) alone in the house, without sufficient food and money, and when he is ill, as well? And him coming to see me without a coat! What sort of parents are you?" Hmm, the sort that came pretty close to a murder charge once wed returned home! But, I suspect we are not the first to be in this situation and we ruefully put it down as another experience for the "Trials and Tribulations of being a Parent" handbook.

Trudes mum is the sort who would have invented worrying if someone had not done it before her. Accordingly, Rule 1 is that you tell Grannies nothing. Rule 2 is that you refer to Rule 1. Anyway, divine retribution was granted because for every morning after his visit to her, at 9:00 am sharp, shed ring him to ask if he was any better. As he doesnt do mornings voluntarily, this was self-inflicted injury number 2 and well deserved at that. To cap it all, as if on cue, I have just taken a call from her to him, asking whether hed like to go to Manchester tomorrow morning, so she can buy him a nice new coat - now he wouldnt be seen DEAD in a coat, so you can imagine how this gesture was received as he succinctly put it himself, "I dont do myself any f***ing favours, do I?" They say this is how we learn, through pain. Well we can only hope

So what else? Well, those of you who are RATUCSERS and ICRers will be aware that I decided to attend the Bollockpool (sorry, Blackpool) ping in October and together with Roofy, will also be organising a York Ping on August 1st. Er downstairs was duly informed and has agreed to make a state appearance at both events, as she put it "You know me, Im game for a pissup anytime" Great relief all round More details as and when

A couple of items regarding the Blackpool do. I am looking to organise some tours, particularly (but not necessarily exclusively) with the overseas visitors in mindIt will be an absolute joy to see you all. You may want to consider Manchester as a base for a few nights following the Ping - this would be a great place to enjoy and explore the delights of the friendly North.... Id be happy to help sort out accommodation in the Manchester area, if needed.

You guys will all have different ideas for what you want to do while you're over here and, I wouldn't presume to encroach on your personal space, but, if you are interested, I'd also be absolutely delighted to set up some or all of the following day trips:-

1. ITV Studios Tour
2. Around Manchester Centre and/or the new Dumplington Shopping Centre which should be open by then
3. Chester
4. York
5. Derbyshire Peak District..

If the numbers stack up, I could hire a minibus and we could split costs between us...

Perhaps prospective visitors could let me know what they think of this idea and whether it might be of interest...

In addition, for those looking to travel from North America, you might want to contact Sue Fisher shes an ex-pat Brit living and working in the US as a Travel Agent .. she seems to have carved out a niche arranging visits to the UK - I have no connection with her, other than she is a fellow Update Reader, so give her a call. Her e-mail address is sfisher@ismi.net - she is also on ICQ as "uklady" UIN 383023.

Finally, finally, before we get onto the business of the day, I was most amused to find that the Teletubbie saga has taken another bizarre twist - on my return, I received a number of puzzling e-mails commenting on how well I looked in purple. Well, the mystery was resolved when I found that my mugshot had been superimposed on the head of one of said tubbies and posted for all the world to see - this has caused much mirth in the family and you might as well share the fun by pointing your thingy (as Dewey put it so succinctly) at the following URL:- http://www.dur.ac.uk/~dlc4rjc/teletub.html. Its a good job I have no sense of shame.. Gee - thanks Dewey, MikeP and Roofy, you enjoy what is known as Corporate culpability. At the end of the day, I suppose, all publicity is. erm, publicity and with that, we move swiftly and, not before time, onto:

 

We join Samanfa in the Rovers - she was supposed to be taking some time off to visit her folks, but she tells Vera that she didnt bother, as apparently, she couldnt face it.. She makes out she has a lot on her mind and Vera confides that she is in the same boat, having to watch out for "Mrs Light Fingers", this being a reference to Nasty Spumante. Vera asks Tango Girl how much surveillance cameras cost, but Sam says its too much.. Sam asks to get behind the bar, because if she takes the rest of the week off, then she will only waste her spare time. Vera is reassured, as the more Samanfa is around, the less they need of Natalie. They agree on Sam to rejoin mid-afternoon and Vera gets Natalie to bring a small brandy over to Sam on the house to "put a bit of colour back in her cheeks", adding that when staff are loyal to her, she is loyal to them.

Martin is asking St. Ashley where he is thinking to taking Zoe on holidays. Our Ash mentions Spain but is concerned that Zoe isnt ready for somewhere foreign (poor boy, its Blackpool with sun) - or then again, theres the Lake District, but Martin thinks of it more as a day out obviously the Bowness trip rather than Scafell Pike. Ash is not sure when she is due out, but it is pretty soon and he cannot wait and his eyes light up and he grins at the prospect.

Nasty brings over the brandy to Sam and comments that she couldnt imagine Vera offering her a brandy, but Sam passes it off by saying that V thought she looked under the weather. When Natalie says that Sam does look a bit pale, Sam inisists that she is fine.

We are at Chez Ashley. Leanne is trying to get Nick to visit Zoe, but hes not for persuasion.. he makes out that he promised to see his mother and that he cannot let her down now. He maintains that she will have cooked something special and that she has taken the morning off work so they can be together. Leanne tries to get the guilt trip working by saying that Martin would tell him how important it is to visit people when they are depressed, but Nick dismisses this "what does he know, hes not a psychiatric nurse?" Voices get raised as Martin tells her that he has said hes going, so hes going and thats that.. Reluctantly, Leanne accepts the position, while Nick tries to appease her by promising to visit next time.

We are at "Fringes by Fiona".. Maxime is telling the world, aka as Fee and Audreh, that Mogadon Man, sorry Greg, was called away by an important business call. "Gre was? At midnight? At a luxury hotel?" exclaims R Audreh disbelievingly. However when she presses Max for the name of the hotel after telling her she knows the name of every luxury, 3 star, 4 star or 5 star hotel for miles around, Max is unable to recall the name. Audreh says that the name will be on the freebies.. "the luxury soap, the shower gel" but Fee points out that she doesnt need to nick them from the hotel, as she has a supply available to her at the salon. Max says that she would buy her own and Audreh is quick to point out that she would never use the stuff they inflict on their patients, sorry, customers. She asks Fee whether she has ever thought of going a bit more upmarket, but Fee dismisses this by saying that "its all in the five year plan". "Oh, like he was, you mean!" retorts Audreh, qucik as a flash, pointing at Morgue! Fee asks Max to dish the dirt on what happened next in her torrid night out, but she says that this was the cue for her coming home. Fee thinks she could have stayed there and made use of all the luxury facilities, but Audreh is quick to spot that she might have landed herself with a luxury bill, adding that his name may be Greg Kelly, but he is half Battersby. "Forget that at your peril, madam!" she concludes.

Leanne pops into the Battersby residence. Les is there and she has woken him from his nap. After some banter, he accuses her of being too smart for her own good and puts it down to her marrying a Platt she corrects him by saying he is a Tyldesley. "Where is he anyway? Youve usually got him hanging off your handbag!" is Les enquiry - Leanne refutes this and says that hubby has "gone to his mothers for lunch", adding that she wasnt invited. "Theyre a right shower them Platts.. they dont deserve a daughter-in-law like you" is his reply. Leanne makes out that she doesnt care, that she doesnt want to eat their rotten food, shed probably choke and the kids get on her nerves. "Come here!" says dad, cuddling her, "Youre too good for them, you! You should have married royalty!" Leanne can barely stifle her laughter and this cheers up her dad "Thats what I like to see, a smile on your face!" "You are funny at times, you know" she says. "Yeah, Im noted for it.. always was" he replies. She nods and agrees. She then asks where Toyah is and is told that she is at "Lady Mucks" and she is likely to be there all day "unless she puts grated glass in the doughnuts." Leanne is disappointed and tells her father that she is going to the hospital to visit Zoe and was hoping Toyah would accompany her. In one of his noted ironic statements, Les says "I dont know who dragged that kid up but they made a right lousy job of it!" Leanne protests that she feels sorry for her, as Zoe has no-one, whereas, if she lost a baby, shed always have her Nick! At this stage I nearly spluttered into my coffee - maybe its just me seeing double-entendres where none are intended or maybe my sewer-like mind! Anyway she goes on to add her father, Janice and Toyah to the list of support available. She comments on how Zoe only took up with Ashley so shed have somewhere to live and how they dont love each other properly. Unlike Nick and her. Les comments on her romancing and how she takes after him, as we conclude a tender and loving scene between father and daughter.

Tilly has had his nosh at mumsies and offers to wash up while Gail and Martin go to the pub - it was the best meal hes had in ages and he wants to do the washing up himself. Now, I ask you? What teenage lad would make an offer like that? They normally have this wonderful sysstem of stacking debris, which really takes some skill, ergo, I smell hidden agenda. Gail and Martin gratefully accept the offer and disappear off to the pub. Tilly tells the kids hed like to play on their computer and send them off upstairs to switch the machine on. While they are out of the room, he has a quick rummage through mums drawers. He opens an envelope and finds an old press cutting with the headline "Life Sentence for killer of local man."

Steve is at the hospital with Liz. He had hoped Jim would be awake by now, no doubt so that they can discuss the finer points of Italian architecture, but, alas, this is not to be. Liz suggests that Steve goes as there is no point in him hanging around. In fact, mate, why dont you do us all a favour!! He asks his mum whether she would be bothered if he went away for a couple of weeks - he seems a bit relctant to lumber Liz with all the responsibility of looking after Jim, but wants to give Fee a holiday, after the Zoe episode. Mum says its fine by her and that if Jim knew what had happened to the baby, hed want Steve to go on holiday. Steve agrees to ask Fee to see what she says.

Martin comes back home alone, as Gail has gone back to work. Tilly tells him the kids are playing on the computer. Martin tries to get Tilly to take the kids somewhere, but Nick has seen what he wanted - he makes his excuses about having too much college work to do and leaves.

Jimbo has come to. Lizzie pops back and tells him that Steve has had to go. She encourages Jim to eat some food. "Come on, just have a taste .. a mouthful" is Lizs plea, straight from the CP phrase book. Liz goes into mummy mode and offers to help him, but Jim aint amused "what are you going to do, put it in my gob? Im not a baby, you know!" Liz says that everyone is merely trying to help him get better but he says that if that is the case they should stop treating him like an invalid. She points out that he needs to get his strength back, but he is adamant that he doesnt want it and besides, he is not going to get his legs back, is he? Liz tries to says that its early days and that nobodys sure, but you can see that Jim is not sold. "One things for sure - that Ill not be walking again!" She is equally insistent but he snaps and lashes out, scattering the contents of the tray over the floor. "Well losing your temper isnt going to help.. thats what got you here in the first place!" cries an exasperated Liz. Jim picks up on this and probes further.. he is anxious to fill the gaps in his missing memory.. but Liz regrets her comment and becomes evasive. He begs her to tell him what happened to cause him to have his accident and lose his legs.

Doorbell rings. Des opens the door. Its Tango Girl. She needs to talk to him.. there is something she has to tell him. He tries to shut the door on her but she is insistent. "Theres nothing I wanna hear from you" is his reply. "Youll wanna hear this.. and Im sorry to have to say it on the doorstep, I'm pregnant with your baby!" is her punch-line as the theme tune comes in on cue for the

End of part 1

Advert time nuttin special , so onto

Part 2

Liz is with Jim.. she is recounting the accident. She tells him he went to the building site, he wouldnt leave, he was drunk, he wanted to fight. "God, I can see it now" says Jim as his life story unfolds, "How many times do I have to do this same bloody thing?" Liz carries on to tell him that he was bragging about how Kevin had offered him a job and how his own son had refused him, so he was rubbing his nose in it. Jim recognises that, as always in these times, he was drunk. Liz tells him that Steve thinks it was his fault because, maybe, he could have stopped him from falling, but Jim conjectures that it sounds as if he could have pulled Steve over with him (pity that some things are just not meant to be!). Liz says that Steve is racked with guilt. "Well hes a fool" says Jim (and the nation agrees, but maybe not in the same context), "tell him hes no reason to feel guilty." She tells him that Steve is frightened and scared that Jim will not walk again. "Its no more than I deserve" is Jims riposte, but Liz doesnt want him to think this way, as it was merely a stupid accident and that he doesnt deserve this. Jim tells her that he is not sure that he ever wants to get out of this bed ever again, but she points out that he must, if not for his sake, then for his son.

We are in the Rovers and Plasticine Head is telling Fee about the impromptu holiday to Tenerife - she clearly doesnt want to act on impulse (but, maybe, she has not seen the advert). He maintains they can go and that Fee needs the break. She is concerned about Morgan screaming but Steve is happy about that - Morgue can scream for free as there is no charge for babies. She raises another objection - what about the salon? He points out that it will be another opportunity for Audreh and Maxime to boss each other around, like they did the last time around. Final objection is him leaving Liz with Jim, but he tells her hes cleared that too. Obviously the bright little bunny is picking his way through the "Overcoming Objections" Sales Training Manual. And lo! She agrees to the trip

Maxime is talking to Audreh. She reckons that Greg and her need somewhere private where they can be alone. As Audreh makes her excuses to go to the lavvy, Les snides to Maxime "On your own again, eh? I didnt think it would be long before you got the elbow! No offence Maxine, but our Gregs a good lookin fella." "Dont take after you then, does he?" is her smart-alec riposte as her brain nearly blows a gasket with the excess pressure. He maintains that Greg has his sights set higher than a brusher-upper, but she corrects him that she is a stylist! "Of course you are darling!" he replies sarcastically and tells her to accept fate, that their Greg is not for the likes of her. He is only telling her this because he doesnt want to see her with a broken heart, but she replies that she doesnt want to see him with a broken neck. In explanation, she tells him that she is sure Janice would love to know where he was the other night. He doesnt think shed go shouting off her mouth, but she maintains it depends on whether he makes it worth her while. "I always said you were a gold digger" is his angry reply. "Well if I was, I wouldnt be talking to you because you are scrap metal" is her pithy riposte. Scuse me!!!!!! As the tiff escalates, Audreh comes back from the toilet and Maxime advises her that Les would like to buy them a drink. Ace of trumps as she wins the trick. G&T for Audreh, White wine for max, and "make them doubles!" Poor Les, outdone by a Muppet!

We are in Des bijou residence. Hes got Samanfa tellin it like it is, well, her way, anyway. He just doesnt believe her. She says that its not that long ago they were close - his reply is that she is mistaking him for Chris Collins. She insists it is his child. He tells her that he thinks it could be anybodys - Chris could be one of a long line. She denies that this is true but Des mentions all the nights she spent away from home and wonders who else kept her company. She tells him she never thought hed be like this. Des, however, believes that she works everything out in advance and that she will have considered all the possibilities. Sam says that, considering Des always wanted children, she thought shed tell him that one exists. After Des accuses her again, of being pregnant by Chris Collins, she repeats her assertion that it is his child and not that of Chris Collins.

Nasty Spumante hasnt had a break and collars Vera to complain. V is indifferent, but Natalie demands taking a break and asks whether Vera will go behind the bar. V takes the huff and accuses Natalie of telling her how to run her business. Natalie asks her what is the matter and demands that if V has something to say, then she should say it. She doesnt like an atmosphere and figures that one of them should do something about it - at the minute she feels like resigning. Vera says she will leave when *she* says so and when Natalie has worked her notice. Again, Natalie points out the inconsistencies in Veras treatment allowing Samantha to go "swanning off into the night.. theres obviously one law for her and one law for me." Once again, Vera tries to reassert her authority by reminding Natalie who the boss is, but Natalie tells her "Im tired, Im hungry and I want something to eat." Vera agrees to her request and tells her that she will be through into the bar in five minutes.

We are back at Ashleys as we see Nick ending a phone call. He is trying to trace Alison Oakley, who was with his father on the night of his murder. It is obvious that this phone call has not produced the right result, but, undaunted, he is working through the phonebook and makes the next call. He explains to the person at the other end that he is trying to trace someone who was involved in a murder case a few years ago. He reassures the person that he is not a reporter and introduces himself the son of the murder victim.

Nat has popped round to Des place - she is on a late lunch and has some sandwiches which she wants to share. He explains it is difficult because Samantha has turned up out of the blue. Se takes umbridge and trolls off in a huff.

Back inside, Des asks Sam to continue. Sam tells him that she has had tests and seen the doctor and, in his opinion she is "three months gone." Des is concerned at getting landed with someone elses discards and says that there are all manner of tests which can be done. Sam says he can have any tests he wants - this is his baby. Des asks "So what do we do now?" Sam tells him that shed like to get back with him, to move in, have their baby, be together, the three of them. Des looks at her disbelievingly.

Fee has been briefing Audreh and Muppet 2 on her immediate holiday, that Steve is out booking the flight and, as it is not high season, there should be no problem with accommodation. Audreh spots an opportunity to do Maxime a favour and asks whether Fee is worried about leaving her flat unattended at night-time. She suggest a house-sitter as the answer to her problem - shed offer but she has Alfeh to consider - maybe Maxine could stay, "shed make sure everything was safe and sound." Fee just cannot see Maxime wanting to stay in the flat on her own, but Audreh launches into support-mode. When Audreh points out that an added bonus would be for Maxime to get away from her parents for a bit, Fee goes all puritanical "so youre not doing it out of the goodness of your heard" but Audreh goes for the close with the "It would be to your mutual advantage" line. Fee agrees and we have three happy campers. Smiles all round.

Leanne has returned from visiting Zoe. Nick comes back home and she tells him about her visit to Zoe, that although Zoe wasnt that bad, there wasnt a lot to talk about and that "you get bored." Tilly makes out that he needs to have a wash after playing with the kids all morning and Leanne offers to come up with him as they have the place to themselves. In true plank style, he declines the offer, telling her that he has to go out as he promised to see one of the lads from college and go through some notes with him. He maintains that his pal has been off sick and that he would do the same for him if their positions were reversed. Leanne puts on her neglected posture mouthing off about how she wishes Nick would do as much for her as for his mates. She asks what she is supposed to do until he comes back - he suggests she watches the television. "Rugby, football and tennis - big thrill" is her joyful reply.

Jim is not very well and asks Liz to hold his hand. He looks very uncomfortable and starts spluttering and coughing up blood. Liz panics as she realises all is not well and cries out for the nurse.

Tilly is waiting in a hotel. Enter Alison Oakley, who introduces herself. She asks what exactly he wants with her.

Leanne is watching TV. The doorbell rings, so she answers the door. Outside, on the street, is the man who is a stranger to her, but whom we recognise as Darren Whateley. He realises she doesnt recognise him and comments that he cannot have changed that much in two months. He grins and tells her that her photo does not do her justice. "Darren Whateley" she mumbles with a numb look on her face. "Just Darren will do" is his reply, "so are you going to ask us in?"

Cue music and credits

Episode written by Catherine Hayes
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well, how was it for me? Well, not one of life's most exciting episodes. For me the tender scene between Leanne and her father stood out.

Low points.. well, the two Muppets and the Plank couldn't act their way out of a paper bag again.

Thats it.. Im late, for which apologies again, so well post this one now - its 0045 on Saturday morning .. time for the quiz in a few minutes. See ya next week.

Until then.. take care now.... Love and kisses from The Mad Polak aka as The Purple Teletubbie

Regards, Alan


Sunday 24 May

Serves me right. No sooner do I mention how summer looks to have arrived, and, well, I'm sure you can fill the rest in yourselves. It struggled to 50 degrees here in Manchester on Wednesday. 50 !! We all blame Alan M and his inopportune caravanning break. He has snaffled all the sunshine over in his parallel universe, Teletubby-land. Bring it back, you bounder...

Our man atop Everest narrowly failed to make it. His small team ran out of rope at a critical point about an hour short of the summit, and decided to turn back rather than risk getting stuck in a log-jam of impatient climbers forming a disorderly queue (something similar happened a few years back and a considerable number of fatalities resulted). One wonders how frustrating this must feel, having spent weeks getting to a point about 100m below the top, and then having to give up. I'll stick to the giddy heights of about 1000m or so here in the UK.

In a similar vein, the Kitchen expedition of 97 is still somewhere just above Base Camp after week (consults calendar) 39. I am under threat of having the contract annulled and a "proper man" brought in. My deadline is week 52, so wish me luck !

It's been a quite time recently, so without further ado we'll make straight for the streets of Weatherfield, where Leanne has an unwelcome visitor...

Act 1
Mrs Tilsley the younger does not, of course, recognise David Essex at her doorstep. She probably wasn't even born when he was making young women swoon [and some men, although at the time that was but a vague concept in my mind !]. No, no, it's not really Mr Essex, it's (gasp !) Darren, fresh out of prison and dying to meet her. Leanne is flustered, but manages to explain that there are others in the house and that he can't come in, before shutting the door in his face.

Outside, Steve comes running out of Fiona's salon [the sun's nearly up and he's not back in his coffin !], apparently Jim has taken a turn for the worse and Steve is off to the hospital. Maxine wishes him well. Darren looks interestingly at Maxine.

We see Nick meeting Alison at a hotel. She is initially defensive, thinking that Nick feels she was responsible for R Brian's death, but then realises that no-one has told Nick what really happened and that he simply wants to hear the truth from her. She goes off to tell her husband that she will be OK, and to provide the anoraks of RATUCS with another debating point, which is "how did Nick track her down under her maiden name if she had subsequently married ?".

Samantha and Des are discussing her supposed pregnancy [I'm afraid I'm doubtful on this one folks]. She tells him that she wants them to be back together, but it has to be his decision, and that if he is not keen, then she will disappear and he will have nothing to worry about. Des is still confused by this turn of events, saying that he always wanted kids (but not like this, we imagine), but that their relationship had not worked once before, so why should it again ?

At the hospital, Steve is talking to Liz. Apparently, Jim had started coughing up blood. [It must make a change from whisky and diced carrots.]

Back to Nick and Alison at the hotel. She tells him the full story of how she had only met Brian that night at a club, they had danced, he had bought her drinks, and then offered to take her home. Nick doesn't believe that his father could have been like this, but Alison tells him that she knew nothing of his wife and family - she had only heard of this afterwards. While Brian was trying to hail a taxi, three lads had started bothering her, and Brian had come to her rescue and started tackling them. She obviously thought it might have been better if the two of them had simply walked away, but goes on to say that all evening she had felt that Brian had been fired up for something, meeting a bird, or having a fight. Or both. Nick stares off into space. [Again !]

Leanne is drinking a cup of tea in the conservatory at the back of Ashley's house. She doesn't see Darren sneaking round the side until it is too late to stop him as he virtually forces his way in. He tells her he knows that she is alone in the house, and how much he had been looking forward to meeting her [and we all know what that means !]. She explains that she shares the house with others, men as well. Darren more or less demands a beer, which she goes off to the kitchen to fetch. "You've not been leading us on, have you ?", he asks. Leanne is starting to look very worried.

Zoe and Ashley are in the (other?) hospital, walking and talking about their future. Her group therapy sessions appear to have been making her see things a little more clearly. She wonders why Ashley hasn't already given up on her. Does he want her back ? Yes, he replies. She tells him that she knows people won't always have been telling her the truth, in her situation, and asks him if he's telling the truth now. He admits he has thought of ending it, but now he is sure he wants to carry on.

Nick realises that his father had indeed been brave, in his eyes. Alison tells him that things would probably have turned out very differently, "if only one of them hadn't had a knife". She explains that she hadn't known who Darren was, but in court she had thought him arrogant and not at all remorseful, blaming Brian for the fight and claiming he had acted in self defence.

Naturally, straight back to Ashley's house, where the convincingly nasty Darren is explaining how he wasn't really a criminal, cos although he'd killed someone, he hadn't made a career of it ! Despite this staggering display of stupidity, he is smart enough to have realised that Leanne "wrote" so many letters to him inside, but yet doesn't seem to want him to stay. "Would you like another beer ?", she asks. "Yes... amongst other things" is his reply. [Run, Leanne, run !] She gets him another can of Stones. [Perhaps she's trying to poison him !!] He opens the beer, and tells her to sit next to him, and relax. "I'll drink this, and them you can show me upstairs !". [Eee, it's as well this is mild and gentle Corrie soap, or this plotline would be getting very nasty indeed elsewhere.]

Intermission
Aargh. That bloody digger Murdoch strikes again ! Last week, we had the Sun dedicating itself to the people of Britain, and this week it's the turn of Sky (all satellite and much of cable broadcasting here), telling us that "All you need is Sky !". Come off it, Rupe, what have Sky actually created, as opposed to stealing off everyone else ? Would Sky make Coronation Street ? Would they b******s...

Amongst the other motley collection of commercials are: fabric conditioner, some horrendously large dust mites disappearing into a vacuum cleaner, ladies razors [we are spared the bikini line treatment], Zsa Zsa Gabor telling us we won't be engaged so often with British Telecom, and a Car Supermarket. It's the Wacky World of Weatherfield tonight !

Act 2
Anorak time again, this time at the hospital, where Jim's doctor is explaining how Jim is drowsy as a result of the drugs he is receiving. "And we've also given him Warfarin", he adds. Liz is shocked - isn't that rat poison ? The doctor explains it has many uses - to reduce blood clots, to kill rats by "causing clots", and to provide RATUCS with another thread debating how it can be that it thins human blood yet clots rats blood. [Answer, it thins both.] Steve asks if his Dad could have died. "He's very poorly", answers the doc. "I'll take that as a yes", mutters Steve, looking like he may yet be in the frame after all. [Or not - with Steve, we can't always be entirely sure what his acting is trying to tell us...]

Des arrives at the bar, where Natalie has a bit of a go at him for turning her away from his house when Samantha was inside. "So, how is she ?", she asks, prompting Des to reply "Fine, apart from a bit of morning sickness." Natalie is taken aback, but suggests that Samantha is moving back in to play Happy Families.

Mike arrives, in his suit and apparently working at the weekend. Greg and Les are already there, and Les explains who Baldwin is, going off into a bit of a rant about how Mike only employs women, what that must mean, say no more, but he'd better not touch Janice or Les will sort him out good and proper. [Have the producers been watching too much Harry Enfield for inspiration about unreconstructed males, this is *crap*.] Anyway, Greg asks Les to introduce him to Mike, which he does. Greg obviously knows who Mike is, and tells him he is Harry's son. This rings bells with Mike, who asks after Greg's father, to be told he has passed away. "Let's sit down and talk", they agree, pointedly excluding Les who clearly feels he would have contributed much to the discussion.

Darren is crushing his beer can in his hand - he's obviously been inside too long and thinks this is well 'ard. Leanne is still trying to get rid of him, suggesting that she wasn't expecting him, and how it would be better if he came back and they had a "proper" meeting, like a date. Darren leans across and pins her to the the sofa - she looks really frightened now. Outside, who is arriving home but Nick. But to prolong Leanne's agony, he is accosted by Martin, who suggests they adjourn to the Rovers for a drink and a chat.

Greg is telling Mike how the business passed on to him and his two step-brothers, but he had to cut loose because he always felt they were outvoting him. He is working for himself now, but is ambitious and wants to really be successful. Maxine spots them and interrupts with a chirpy greeting. Greg rebuffs her rudely, saying it is business talk, and she flounces off, mortally wounded. Les thoughtfully finishes her drink for her.

Nick is talking to Martin about his dad. He wants to know about his parents' relationship - was Brian seeing other women ? Martin doesn't want to talk about this, telling Nick that it might be best not to dredge up everything in the past. Some things are better left forgotten.

Natalie plants the idea in Des' thick skull that Samantha may be pulling another stunt with the pregnancy thing. [Oops, I've lost track of the shared brain, maybe it's Steve's turn this week ? Whatever, Des is grey matter-less as he gazes into his beer.]

Darren is getting ready to climb aboard Leanne's love train. "I've been waiting nearly 10 years for this !", he says ominously as she tries to slide out from underneath him. We are spared further agony as Ashley arrives home. Leanne engages him in some very stilted conversation about Zoe, and gives him some fairly obvious "help me" looks as she does so, but Ashley doesn't really cotton on. She also explains that Darren was "just going", a very useful dramatic trick. As Ashley goes into the kitchen to make a coffee and shuts the door behind him, Darren once again manhandles Leanne onto the sofa. He says he will be back "tomorrow, or the day after". "I'll be expecting you, then", says Leanne, who doesn't really look as she means it at all. Darren leaves, finally.

Returning to the bar, Greg asks Les where Maxine has got to. Les tells him that she left, suggesting that Greg was a fool to be talking about business when he had a nice bit of crumpet waiting for him. Greg advises him that if he can deal with Baldwin, then he can make enough money to keep himself in "crumpet" forever. Les is confused - he obviously thinks very short-term.

Liz (also in the pub by now) tells Steve that she doesn't know how things are going to work out at all, when Jim comes home. Steve offers to pay for a nurse, but Liz clearly feels she will be looking after Jim herself. She goes on to say that they were never really divorced, other than legally.

Des leaves the bar, determined to find out if Samantha is lying to him about the baby. She is in his house still. [I think - what *is* she doing there anyway ?] Thinking it will convince him, she picks up a handy bible and swears on it that she *is* pregnant. "There, do you believe me now ?", she asks. Des pauses. "No, I don't think I do", he answers, and leaves. Samantha looks as if her knitting is coming unravelled.

Nick finally returns home, to find a very stony-faced Leanne waiting for him. Ashley makes his excused and goes, leaving Leanne to tackle Nick about Darren's unwelcome visit, all guns a-blazing. "So he's out of jail then ?", asks Nick. "Yes, and raring to go !" says Leanne. Nick can't really work out what this means, and Leanne announces that she is off, back to her Dad's house. Nick gives it the old puzzled look again as the credits roll.

This episode was written by Peter Whalley

Not all bad tonight at all. Darren and Leanne were both excellent - he was genuinely scary and she looked terrified by the time he eventually left. On most other fronts, things merely plodded on. We are promised more developments in the Des/Natalie/Samantha triangle - let's wait and see. I'm really warming to Denise Welch in the Natalie role, I think she has potential to be a Corrie long-runner. Samantha is past her sell-by date.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

Best line: Nothing I've made a note of, is worthy of the title this week.

Best scene: I have updater's block ! What shall I go for ? After a little thought, probably any of the scenes where Darren is cornering Leanne. Very well done drama.


Monday 25 May

Whether it's the same day in Weatherfield's Time Zone is open to conjecture....

We open at The House of Elliott, where Nick and Ashley are breakfasting, and Nick is privately fretting over Leanne's departure. Ashley suggests it will soon all be over and forgotten, and they'll be back together, 'I mean, just look at me 'n' Zoe.' Nick says he thinks he's gone too far, which prompts Ashley to encourage him to tell him all about it.

At breakfast in the Battersby household Leanne is crying, while Janice does her best to comfort her. Janice manages to ignore Les's repeated shouting of 'Janice!', followed by 'Where's me suit?', but then replies from the foot of the stairs that it is at the cleaners. Les seems to accept this, so Janice goes back to the comfort zone. Smiling, she asks if they've had a row, and Leanne says that she thinks she doesn't love Nick any more. Janice gently probes what Nick could have done to upset Leanne so - has he been nasty, has he hit her, has he been playing away? Leanne tearfully denies these suggestions and hurries off presumably to the Kabin. Janice watches the door close behind her and wonders aloud 'you've made a mistake, 'aven't you, love?'

In this scene when we see Leanne across the breakfast table, it is tempting to wonder why, just why, there is a tub of Vaseline (TM) on the top of the loudspeaker.

Anyway, Les comes down, dressed so fetchingly in vest and shorts, demanding to know what Janice means by 'cleaners'. So inconvenient for him today when he needs his suit for, ah, a job interview - promotion to head of security. Janice dismisses his suitability with a laugh, to which Les replies that he deserves more support for trying to improve his family's lifestyle! Janice appears to be almost taken in by this lie, but then recovers by telling him that if he really wants a suit today, he'll have to go and borrow one off one of his mates.

As she leaves she tells Les about her conversation with Leanne, and how she wonders if 'the magic has worn off'? Thinking about themselves she turns to Les with a smile, and asks 'do you think it'll ever wear off for us? 'Us?' asks Les, 'No way'. All together now, 'Aaaaaaaaah.

After she actually leaves, Les gets on the phone to Charlie West demanding that he supplies him with a suit to attend Court in.

In the first Outside scenes of the show, Des catches Sam in the Street and jeeringly asks her whether she's just going for her constitutional or perhaps the Ante-Natal class? Sam asks what it's got to do with him, and he says he's interested in her health. She teases him about his resistance to the idea that he is the father, and that Des might like to join her at the Doctor's.

For scene continuity purposes, Fiona and Morgan pass by, and as the camera follows them towards the Corner Shop we see La Mouton emerge from the former marital home. She does the 'cootchy coo' bit over Morgan. The news of Jim is that he's had 'a comfortable night, but Liz still finds herself tearful - blaming it on being over tired. (No, you always look as rough as that, Liz.)

Back in the House of Elliott, Nick has used his absence from the previous scenes to fill Ashley in on the Darren Whately story. Ashley is horrified, and says he isn't surprised about Leanne leaving him. Putting on his Mr Masterful hat he tells Nick to get it sorted, work out what he's going to do if Whately turns up again. Nick doesn't know what he'll do if he does return, but he'll make sure he doesn't come back. Ashley says he doesn't want any trouble, because he's got enough on his plate with Zoe.

It's visiting time at Weatherfield General, and Liz and Steve arrive to see Jim. A scene of no particular merit follows, mainly concerning the need for Jim to take it steady, and consider his future. Jim wants to talk to Liz alone, so he sends Steve off to get a cup of tea. He tells her that the truth is that he's frightened.

Greg - does he ever go to work during the working day? - walks into The Street just as Les is leaving for court in a borrowed grey suit and black polo shirt buttoned up. The piece de resistance, a bit of white cardboard pressed into service so that 'The Reverend Leslie Battersby' might get more lenient treatment in Court. He reckons it'll get him off with a caution.

Spotting Maxime walking to work, but it must be at least 10am by this time, Greg goes over to apologise for the previous night when he stood her up, for a business meeting with Mike Baldwin. They agree on dinner, to make up.

Sam gets off the Weatherfield Hoppa to be greeted by Des. He tells her that he will not get sucked into paying maintenance for someone else's child. Sam tells him not to worry himself about that because she's going to have an abortion. Des is stunned, Sam turns away and walks on.

END OF PART ONE

Part two opens with Sam opening her morning's shopping. Her interest in the slinky black off the shoulder number is distracted by Des's hammering at the door - 'Sam, let me in, we need to talk!' As she leads him into the parlour, there is a wicked grin on her face which Des can't see. He asks if she's really thought this through, which she says she has. She's quite happy to have an abortion because she doesn't want to be a single mother. She lays it on thick and quotes the Doctor as saying that she's not emotionally ready for a child, yet, especially without a partner's support. 'So, no partner, no baby'. Des accuses her of playing games - either they get back together and play happy families, or she has an abortion and he gets the blame. Sam tells him not to be ridiculous, she doesn't care what he does. 'Neither do I' says Des, which prompts Sam to question just why he is there? He considers this for a nanosecond and walks out without a word. That devious grin is back as the door closes.

We're in the Rover's for the first time today, and La Mouton is in a booth looking less tarty but decidedly older. She is joined by Sally who tells her to be careful - she's doing too much running round with the Jim situation. Liz tells her that they don't know if Big Jim will walk again.

Cut to the bar, where Greg buys Mike a drink as a prelude to talking business. He talks of an old contact of his Father, KWZ Fashions, raincoat manufacturers, who are planning on branching out. Greg thinks he can get the lingerie contract for Underworld if Mike takes him on as consultant - no strings, no salary, commission only.

Greg turns round to grin at Stadtler & Waldorf - the two Muppets in the corner. He winks at Maxime, who admits to Fiona that he's been trying to get back into her good books all day. And she's let him. She reckons she could keep him under control as long as she keeps her wits about her. Wits, Maxime? You're totally witless!

Mike and Greg shake on the deal, after Greg goes off to chat up Maxime, Vera reminds Mike that 'he's a Battersby', which Mike dismisses by suggesting Greg takes after his Mother - and anyway, he reminds him of himself at that age.

Back to La Mouton and Sally, Liz is feeling guilty for taking time of from Big Jim support. Sally is saved any more boredom by the arrival of Kevin bearing news of a phone call he took at the garage from Sal's Auntie Josephine. Sal fears for her Mother, they both leave.

Janice admits Nick to the house, and goes upstairs to make the beds so that Nick and Leanne can be private. Nick apologises and hopes that it's all over and she'll come back, but Leanne tells him that the problem is their marriage. 'In this marriage I put you first. Problem is, you put you first an' all.' Nick tries to act emotion and is totally upstaged by the wonderful Leanne. He hurries out, and she allows herself to cry.

Back at t'Rover's, Sam is collecting glasses, and tells Des to cheer up, she doesn't want anything from him, he won't even have to pay for the abortion. He questions whether she really is pregnant. The look she gives seems to say 'don't even bother asking me that'. Des leaves, just as Les arrives.

Les arrives, cross about the results of the day in Court. Fortunately Greg is there so Les can moan about the travesty of justice. Les reckons that an eighteen month ban and £200 fine is a scandal, and an injustice to an innocent man. Greg reminds him that he was guilty. The only bright spot is that RJanice doesn't know.

Watch carefully because here is another example of an actor responding to the script rather than the interplay between characters.

Greg points out that RJanice might not know, but she soon will do when she reads it in the evening paper. Les splutters into his beer, but does it a moment too soon, before Greg has finished his line. Les is off, he's got to keep the paper away from RJanice.

RJudeh and RGareh arrive, joined by Ashley. Vera serves, and tells them (and us) about the bit of drama earlier on - Kevin's news to Sally that her Mother is very ill. Both RJudeh and Vera remember what happened (Kevin & Natalie) last time Sally's Mother was ill.

Leanne and Janice are talking, Leanne is still very upset. Janice tells her that she had heard Nick say that she shouldn't keep running home every time they had an argument, and that she (Janice) thinks this is a fair point. Leanne raises one very expressive eyebrow and asks 'is it?' Janice wants to know what it was that Nick could have done that was so awful? 'I mean, if you've got a relationship, you've got to work at it. Me 'n' your Dad do'. Leanne tells her that he betrayed her, without giving details. Janice reminds her that there's only room for one married woman in that house, and that's her.

Sally is serving out the gurrrrl's spaghetti hoops, when the phone rings. Sally answers the call, but then hangs up without another word. She silently walks to the kitchen, where a frying pan is catching fire. Kevin avoids another 'Webster's Kitchen Inferno' storyline, then Sally tells him that they were too late, her Mother has passed away. She wants to be alone with her grief, and sends Kevin back to see to the gurrrls.

Des and Natalie are discussing Sam's actions. Natalie thinks Sam's playing a devious game that Des can't see - 'Are you telling me that you've never played Poker?' 'Not with people's lives, I haven't'. He's not now sure whether she's pregnant or not, and doesn't know what he wants out of the situation.

Leanne arrives at the House Of Elliott, to be greeted at the door by a very pleased Nick. Something makes him ask why she didn't come in using her own house key. She gives him the key and tells him that she's been talking to Janice and that they are either married or they're not. Nick agrees with this theory, but Leanne continues - 'Well I prefer not. I want a divorce.'

Cue closing credits......

Episode written by Peter Mills


Wednesday 27 May

Dear Update Readers,

I'm not overly fond of having my teeth fixed, even when the dentist is an old friend. (The dentist in question is known in certain circles as "The Tooth Fairy", for reasons that should be glaringly obvious). I'm not a great lover of needles at the best of times - which is probably why I never learned how to knit - and definitely not when they're directed at the gum. ("Now there's nothing to worry about," the dentist assures me. "You'll just feel a little prick in your mouth, that's all." I almost tell him that men have been saying that to me for most of my life and it's never reassured me, so why should this? But I say nothing. When you're confronted by a man in a mask with a syringe in his hand, you don't argue, you just lie back and think of the England Under-23 squad).

But I don't think it's the actual treatment that puts me off going to the dentist. As you've probably twigged by now, I've had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard, so a few needles every now and again is par for the course. No, what really nauseates me about visiting the dentist is (a) the waiting-room decor; and (b) the waiting-room reading material.

Why, oh why, are dentists' waiting-rooms so white and clinical and uninviting? It's as though the dentist is trying to say, "Look, sucker, this is all about blood and pain and deep decay, so don't get comfortable." Dentists always floor me when they tell you, "This isn't going to hurt you", because from the way they've just crucified you with the waiting-room decor, you just know they're lying. Don't they teach them any social psychology at dental school? And have they never heard of Laura Ashley? (Which reminds me: I have to change our stair carpet because it's frayed at the edges and possibly quite dangerous). Okay, so I don't expect velvet curtains, soft wall lighting and acres of tufted shag, but they could perk the place up a bit. A nice burgundy carpet, a few potted plants and some pictures on the wall (Christian Slater, DS Wyatt, Darren Whately, Kim Basinger, Les Ferdinand perhaps? Anything but close-ups of toothbrushes and dental floss).

Marginally worse than the decor - but only marginally - is the waiting-room reading material. "Homes and Gardens", "Tatler", "People's Friend" and, wait for it, "Cosmopolitan". (More about "Cosmopolitan" later, and that's a promise). Not only is the stuff execrable in it's own right, but given the location of my dentist, it's also ridiculously inapt. You see, my dentist's surgery is located just on the edge of the Sherburn Road estate. Still none the wiser? Well, think inner-city deprivation. Think war zones. Think a place that makes Bosnia look like Disneyland.

Oh, so you thought Durham was all river banks and lofty spires and cricket-on-the-lawn, did you? Well that's probably down to the rose-tinted portrait of Durham that Glenda Young and Ruth Carey have been painting of the place. It's funny, really, because neither of them is from Durham and thus they simply cannot talk about the place with any authority. Although Glenda spent some time in America and subsequently tells everyone she meets that she's from New York, NY (the city so good they named it twice), in actual fact she is from the wilds of Sunderland (the city so sodding awful that they didn't even want to name it at all). Ruth Carey is from Swindon, a town so drab, delapidated and depressing that the Germans refused to blitz it during World War II on account of the fact that it would have been a total waste of a good bomb; after all, you couldn't make it any worse than it already is. You're also forgetting, dear readers, that Ms Young moves in the "Pimms and cucumber sandwich" circles of the city, and sees nothing of the real social wasteland that is Durham proper. Ruth Carey, too, is one of the Guardian-reading cocktail set (even if she does take her cocktails without the tails), and thus cannot really comment on the vicissitudes of life in one of Durham's sprawling 'sink estates'.

And believe me, Sherburn Road is a sink estate to end all sink estates. Cocktails? The only cocktails they have there are of the Molotov variety. Guardian readers? Ask for a Guardian in Sherburn Road and you'll be beaten senseless with a cudgel - possibly by the newsagent herself. Gary (the Tooth Fairy) opened his surgery there simply because the overheads were cheaper than in the middle of town, but obviously he'd forgotten about the protection money he'd have to pay. He tells me that the only time that Sherburn Road men visit the dentist is on Saturday mornings - after they've had half their teeth knocked down their throats the night before. He still remembers the first day he started practising there. "This guy sat down and I reached for the needle to deaden his gums. 'Is that anaesthetic?', he asked. 'Cause if it is, forget it! I don't want no anaesthetic, me. Anaes-f******-thetic? What do you think I am, a f****** poof?' And so he sat there, tough as nails, rougher than a badger's arse, and tolerated the pain." The women are even tougher. Recently I was in Woolworth's when I overheard a woman from Sherburn Road asking the assistant whether the shop stocked Barbie dolls. *Klaus* Barbie dolls. That should give you some idea of Sherburn Road. As Ruth Carey will attest, my boyfriend is a big tough skinhead with tattooed arms and half a dozen ear-rings, but even he refuses to venture into Sherburn Road. Social workers go there in groups of three or more, with several Rottweilers in tow, while postmen refuse to go there at all. Why, then, does the Tooth Fairy continue to stock his waiting-room with such relatively erudite material? I'm sorry to have to say it, but even the "Ladybird Guide to A-B-C" goes way over the heads of most Sherburnites.

But apart from being inapt, the material on offer in most dentists' waiting-rooms is highly dangerous stuff. Take "Cosmopolitan", for instance. A friend of mine once described "Cosmpolitan" as a "mine of information for the liberated female". What rubbish! Unless, of course, by information she means a step-by-step guide on how to talk knowledgeably about nuclear physics while changing the wheel of your boyfriend's car and giving him a blowjob at the same time. Liberating? I think not. Cosmopolitan doesn't liberate; it enslaves. It enslaves because, like all gender-specific magazines, it traps the reader into stereotypes and pigeonholes. All those pseudo-trendy articles and anecdotes for the 'woman of today', all of which revolve, when you get right down to it, around the perennial problem of how to get a man - and when you've got him, how to keep him. That and, of course, clothes and cooking. We are in the Nineties, for God's sake, and we are still being fed this bilge which tells us that female identity consists in nothing more than the holy trinity of 'dresses, dishes and dicks' (or 'frocks, food and f*****', or 'costumes, cooking and cocks': whatever alliterative permutation you choose, the sad underlying truth remains the same). And it's oh so witty, so humourous, so chic, so sexy. And so sphincter-puckeringly tedious. I used to think that the Guardian was so self-consciously avante-garde and 'dangerous' that it ran the risk of disappearing up its own ideological bunghole - endless articles focusing on traumatic personal experiences, all of which seemed to begin with the words "I had a breast off last week" - but "Cosmopolitan" takes the biscuit. Are women not thoroughly cheesed off with these ceaseless directives on sex? How many times does the distaff side of humanity need to be told that anything less than nine inches is an insult? Or, in the very next issue, that size is not everything? (Rubbish: size is the *only* thing). And how much balsamic vinegar can a girl take?

Having said that, I have "Cosmopolitan" to thank for one thing and one thing only. When I was at the dentist's last Thursday, I read a rather edifying little article on the calorific value of seminal fluid. (I bet Delia Smith doesn't talk about *that* in her bloody books). Some woman had written in to say that she had just embarked on a diet and wanted to know whether her daily session of oral sex would push her over her carefully worked-out quota of calories. Well it wouldn't, as it happens, but that's not the point. (I must admit, however, that I was a little perturbed by the revelation that seminal fluid is packed with protein. Does this mean that my muscles are only partly the result of working out in the gym?). Anyway, the article got me to thinking about diets in general, and my need to diet in particular. That and, of course, the Ping photographs. The Ping piccies taught me one important thing. Never have your photograph taken when (a) you've not had any sleep for forty-eight hours; (b) you've been drinking for the past six hours and are totally smashed; and (c) you're one-and-a-half stones overweight. Actually, the pics were a blessing in disguise, because they motivated me to start dieting again. In 1996, when James and I broke up after almost four years together, I started to eat for comfort. (Actually I was 50% bulimic: 50% in the sense that I got the bingeing part down to a fine art, but never quite mastered the throwing up bit). Hitting the scales at a colossal fifteen stone, I decided to go on a strict diet. This took me down to 12 and a half stones, but the ups-and-downs of my private life over this past year have taken their toll and pushed me back up to 13. Hence my need to lose at least another stone and a half.

But dieting is difficult, and exercising is even more of a pain. I do walk quite a lot - but usually it's just to and from the fridge to fetch more cheesecake. And I don't believe the old adage that sex helps you to lose weight: if that were the case, I'd be anorexic. And so, dear readers, I have opted for the FF plan. (And no, before anyone asks, it does not involve the use of fists. FF stands for 'fish and fruit'). I adore fish, as it happens, so long as it is well grilled. (The smell of raw fish does nothing for me, which is probably why I was always a lousy straight). And the amount of fruit I eat would put Carmen Miranda to shame. All I have to do now is cut out the chocolate and I'm home.

But enough of this blethering and onto the update:

The episode opens at the Battersbys, where Leanne is still moping over Nick and threatening to divorce him. "You can't get divorced; you've only been married five minutes!" protests Janice. But Leanne is adamant. She doesn't love Nick any more. (And who can blame her, all things considered. After all, if you lived with a man who sported a zit that size - a zit so big and shiny that even enough Clearasil to sink a ship couldn't move it - would you stay around longer than five minutes?). Janice says that not being in love with someone is not reason enough to divorce them. Les agrees. "Yes," he says, "that's what marriage is all about: showing you can stick together even though you can't stand the sight of each other!" (Top man, Les, but for the line, not the sentiment.) Leanne is not convinced, and Janice, realising how deeply her step-daughter feels about the whole issue, tells Les that he should go and have words with Supercamp (Tilly).

Out in the Street, Gail and Martin are walking along, discussing Martin's impending 30th birthday. "Do you want a party," Gail asks him, "or would you prefer a surprise?" (Which is exactly what my mother said to me on my 35th birthday last year. I opted for a surprise. And the surprise was? Yes, you guessed: no party. I think the fact that Princess Di got killed on my big day had something to do with it. My mother had, in fact, arranged a surprise party, but of course she cancelled it out of respect. I had to phone around my relatives to thank them for the presents they had sent on in advance, and to explain that I would of course be keeping all of the presents as it was what Diana would have wanted.) Anyway, Martin says he's far too old for surprises or excitement, and will settle instead for a couple of hours in the Rovers. (Quick, pass the embalming fluid!) As they're chatting, Supercamp appears. He's down in the dumps and Gail, clucking little mother hen that she is, wants to know what is wrong with her little chick. (Isn't maternal concern touching? Whenever I look down in the dumps, my mother just tells me to "Buck up or sod off," before reminding me how many people there are in the world worse off than I am. "Name one of them," I challenge her. She never can. Funny that.) Anyway, Supercamp glosses over the whole thing and minces off.

Shortly afterwards, we see Les accompanying Leanne across the road to the Kabin. On the way, Greg appears. (In brown again, I think. And even if it wasn't brown, it sure felt like it). Once Leanne is out of earshot, Les tells Greg that she wants a divorce from Supercamp. "She won't be the only one wanting a divorce once Janice finds out what you've done," says Gregg. "How will she find out?" asks Les. Greg tells him that a drunk driving incident like Les's is bound to be reported in the local paper. Cue Les turning his pants ochre as he dashes to the Kabin to see whether the local rag has reported the incident.

In the Kabin, Ken Barlow is telling Rita that the garage has a "Closed due to family bereavement" notice on it. However, Les dashes past him to the counter to see whether there are any local rags on it. There aren't, and so he leaves.

In another part of town, we join Des and Nastily (and from this point onwards, I shall refer to her as Natalie. Yes, the character transformation she has undergone of late has worked its magic on me and I am now a convert. Natalie is a goddess in the making and I take back everything I've said about her: especially the bit about sex with her being like throwing a banana up the High Street). Anyway, I was mulling over Natalie's transformation so much in this scene that I missed the whole point of it! I think it was mainly about Sam and her abortion. Des, I think, was unsure of whether he agreed with it or not.

Back at the Kabin, Les has reappeared and wants to know whether the local newspapers have been delivered. "What's the rush?" asks Big Red. "I just like to keep abreast of things," replies Les.

At Weatherfield General, Jim, who has just depressed himself even more by reading the autobiography of Douglas Bader - yes, Jim, you're even more of a loser than he was; okay, so he only had one leg, but at least it worked - and is now talking to La Mouton. La Mouton, who has clearly been going to town with the L'Oreal of late, wants to know when Jim is to be discharged. "The doctor says a couple of days, if there are no hitches," replies Jim. (Has anyone worked out yet why Jim is minus eyebrows? And shouldn't he wait until they've grown back before he faces the world again? And how long *do* eyebrows take to grow back? Plus: why is the growth rate of eyebrows so much slower than the hair on your head? Strange, the kind of questions that come to mind when one is marking exam scripts). Jim says the doctor wants to know who is going to be looking after him. Old "Red Cross" Mouton says that she and Steve will do the honours. Jim says that he doesn't want to be a burden. "Nonsense," says La Mouton, "you're not a burden. Unless, of course, you start wearing that manky tank-top again, in which case we'll paralyse your arms as well as your legs." (Of course, she doesn't say the bit about the tank-top, even though she should have).

Back in the Street, a concerned Big Red Spice is knocking on the Websters' door, trying to unravel the mystery of Mr & Mrs Birdseye and their fishfinger-eating girls. As she is knocking, the newspaper van pulls up outside the Kabin with today's supply of local rags. Les is over the moon, and immediately offers to buy up the whole stock: 60 copies at 30p a throw. But not before he is forced, of course, to come clean to Leanne about the drink-drive incident. Leanne shakes her head in disbelief while Les rushes out of the Kabin with half a hundredweight of newsprint.

As Les disappears into his house, Darren Whately saunters along the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand and makes a beeline for the House of Elliot. He knocks several times, but to no avail. (I thought the floral element was rather a subtle touch, didn't you? If you're gonna scare someone shitless, do it with flowers).

Meanwhile, Les has taken the newspapers through his living room and kitchen and out into the yard to burn them. What he doesn't realise, however, is that he dropped one of them on the way. And there it sits, on the living room floor, just waiting for Janice to walk in and carry the plot on a little further.

At the Cafe, Gail is interrogating Toyah about the strange behaviour exhibited by Leanne and Nick. She knows they're both unhappy but needs to find out why. Toyah is reticent at first but, since she is a girl after my own heart, she can't keep it to herself for long and quickly dishes the dirt. "Leanne told me not to tell you, because she say's you'll gloat," Toyah says to Gail. (Gloat? Gail? Perish the thought!) Anyway, Toyah tells Gail that Nick has done something *so* terrible, *so* heinous, *so* unforgivable that Leanne wants a divorce as soon as possible. What passes as Gail's chin suddenly drops as the beans spill, one by one. And as they spill, Darren Whateley sidles into the Cafe and orders tea and cake. (At least I think there were some cakes on display, but they might have been tarts. Then, in true Peter Sutcliffe tradition, he might have said, "Ooh, I could murder a tart!"). Toyah's revelation, and Gail's increasing incredulity, is played out with Whateley in the background, interposed in the distance between the two yakking females. Gail, of course, cannot bring herself to belief that Supercamp could have done something so terrible that it would make Leanne want to divorce him. But mothers never want to believe the worst of their sons, do they? (Unless it's my mother, of course, who not only believes the worst of me, but also spreads the rumours in the first place). Toyah's only concern seems to be Leanne's name. "If she *does* get divorced," she asks, "will she be able to change her name back to Battersby again, rather than being called 'Leanne Tilsley'?" (Top girl, Toyah! You got the priorities spot on there!)

Chez Battersby, but unbeknownst to Les, Janice is reading the latest edition of the local rag...

And Les? Well he's out in the yard, setting fire to the papers - all 59 of them - in an old rubbish bin. As they burn, Vera, who has spotted the conflagration, hurries along the back passage to castigate Les for burning rubbish and ruining her washing. Back inside, he is shocked to see a copy of the latest edition in Janice's hand. "Where the 'eck did you get that from?" he splutters. "It was on the floor, where you left it!" she says. "You really should make an effort to keep this place tidy, Les." She then goes all sentimental as she reads on the front page that the council are about to demolish Newport Street, where, it appears, she grew up. "Why can't they leave things alone?" she moans. (Come on, Janice, we're talking about local councils here. They are genetically programmed to do everything you don't want them to do, and to ignore everything you ask of them. Our local council has to be one of the worst in this respect, and unless you're a blind, one-legged lesbian from Bangladesh, they won't even reply to your letters in the first place.) Les snatches the paper from her before she can open the pages and see the incriminating article inside. And he refuses to give it back to her, telling her that she she has to go back to work anyway and has no time to read newspapers."You're a pig, Les Battersby," says Janice, Queen of Stating The Obvious. "You're a selfish pig!" Les pretends to be engrossed in the paper while Janice storms out of the door and back to work.

At the Rovers, Big Red Spice and Ken "No-Honestly-I'm-Not-Boring-And-What's-More-I've-Got-Principles" Barlow are chatting about the Websters' sudden disappearance from the Street. Sam is there too, but not feeling too good it would seem. Tearfully, she asks Betty Williams to cover for her while she goes into the backroom. Betty tells Vera that all is not well with Sam, and Vera duly follows the Orange One into the back. Which is where Samantha reveals that she is pregnant, that Des is the father, and that he wants her to have an abortion. (Incidentally, what *do* you get if you cross a satsuma with a pineapple? Just wondering...) Vera tries to comfort her as best she can, chivvying her up with the possibility that Des will relent and take her back, bump and all.

Meanwhile, across the Street, Darren Whateley is lurking again. He sees Tilly cross the road to the House of Elliot, and hides behind the wall as Supercamp goes in.

Chez Battersby, Janice is telling Les that he should go and have a word with Nick. "For our Leanne's sake," she says. "Show her that you care, that you're concerned. Nick likes you; he might tell you what it's all about. They're just kids, Les, and they need our guidance, our help. They need to know that there's someone there who's on their side, who knows what they're going through." Janice's touching plea finally melts Les's resistance and, with a tender touch of her cheek, he promises that he will go and have a man-to-man chat with Supercamp.

Gail too is desperate to talk to her son, and the next scene has her telling Martin as much in the Rovers. Martin, who is almost 30 and thus Very Wise Indeed, realises that all Gail wants to do is uncover dirt. "You can't wait to go round there and start fanning the flames, can you?" he says, with his customary tut-tut and shake of the head.

The Woodentops (Greg and Maxime) are also in the Rovers, where Greg is talking business with Mike Baldwin. I do recall what they were saying but I shan't repeat it. After all, I don't want to confuse you with readers who *give* a toss...

Also in the Rovers, Vera tears a strip off Des for his cavalier attitude to Orange Girl. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," she says. "To think how you and me fought over RTommeh; now you've got the chance to have a kiddy of your own and you want rid!" Des tries to tell her that there are two sides to every story, and that it's not he himself but Samantha that wants rid of the kiddy.

Steve and La Mouton are also in the Rovers, talking about Jim's imminent discharge. (Try Canestan, Jim; it always works for me). Steve suggests that they throw a party for Jim when he comes out of hospital. (A party? At Jim's place? Ooh, definitely one for the diary.) Liz doesn't seem so sure, but it doesn't take her long to agree. After all, it will be a chance for her to wear a tight top and a skimpy skirt, and since when has she ever refused an opportunity like that?

Chez Elliot, Ashley is suggesting to Supercamp that they have a night out. Supercamp declines, preferring to stay indoors lest Darren Whateley return. And right at that very moment there is a loud thumping at the door. Could it be Darren Whateley? Or is it a fresh consignment of Clearasil? Actually it's Les Battersby, come for that sensitive, man-to-man heart-to-heart with Nick. Which begins with the sutble words:

"JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING: YOU'RE HAVING IT AWAY WITH SOMEONE ELSE, AREN'T YOU? (Cue delicious thud as Les smacks Supercamp across the head). WHO WAS IT, EH? WAS IT *HIS* BIRD (motioning to Ashley), THE MENTAL ONE?"

Ashley tells Les to leave Zoe out of it, and that she's not mental, receiving a hefty shove from Les as a response.

And Les, red of face and bulging of veins, rants on and on while the terrified Supercamp looks on helplessly. Les hollers that Supercamp should go and say sorry, because:

"NO-ONE MESSES WITH MY DAUGHTER, DO YOU HEAR? NO-ONE"

And then he is gone, leaving a bewildered Supercamp to utter: "That man is a psycho!" (Which is rich coming from a mincing little nelly who has just jeopardised his wife's life by playing her straight into the hands of a known murderer. The words 'pot', 'kettle' and 'black' spring immediately to mind).

And finally, Des and Natalie have their own little heart-to-heart. But unfortunately, Natalie's heart isn't in it, because she has to face Des's pathetic about-turn re: Orange Girl. Des's closing words? "That's my baby, and I want her to have it."

Nuclear family, here we come...

And that's about all for this week, I'm afraid. Last week, I promised to dish the dirt re: the London Ping. But in reality, there was no dirt: only laughter, comradeship and joy. It would be invidious of me to single anyone out: everyone I met there was wonderful, and although much of it thannkfully remains a blur, I had an excellent time. Roll on the next one! (Sorry to disappoint those of you who thought I was about to come clean with the revelation that Mike Plowman is a secret cross-dresser, or that Glenda Young isn't actually a Dettol addict, but I can't. The simple truth is that he isn't and she is, and the Ping did nothing to disprove it!)

Until next time,

Love and hugs, CP


Friday 29 May

Well, here we are again... it's time for apologies...these updates seem to get later and later. No excuses to offer there, just had problems getting round to it. And if I'm in trouble from you lot, it's nothing compared to what's been happening at home! You see before you a guy, who is chastened and contrite, complete with tin helmet.....

It all started when Roofy (Ruth Carey) and I got together yesterday for our pre-ping sussing out session at York. We had an absolutely brilliant time dishing the dirt and swapping scandal stories and to make it more remarkable, we'd never met before (even though we've spoken on the phone). Roofy adds that extra dimension to life.. how do we explain.. well, an example may illustrate the picture.

We were in a tea shop in York and the waitress asked what she wanted and the order went along the lines of "six foot four, blue eyes, body of a love god....!" And, as for her appetite for alcohol, well let's put it this way... if she were ever to go to Canada, then I can promise that she would bring a new meaning to the phrase "Drink Canada Dry"..... Like I say, a lovely gal and we had a great time.

We surprised my fellow Updater rang CP, by ringing him up... really nice to talk to the guy for the first time. Obviously the guy has amazing abilities as can be testified by the fact that, five minutes into our conversation, we'd cleared the café (from which we'd made the call) of all its customers and CP wasn't even in the room.. such is the force with which we contend...

On and by the way, we also found a pub which serves great beer and great food, of which more in due course....

Anyway, Roofy and I were pretty diligent in our approach to researching suitable hostelries, as can be confirmed by the extra unscheduled deliveries of replacement fluid, which the various houses have had to organise...

So, I was poured onto my train at 1938 hours having initially been at the wrong platform, unbeknown to me, staring across the line at what was actually my train... fortuately, I realised my mistake with only seconds to go before the departure. Anyway, I rang up her downstairs to say what time I'd be at Stalybridge station, as she'd agreed to give me a lift back home. For those who don't know the geography, Stalybridge is some 6 miles from home and is on the line to York.

Well, let's put it this way... I do remember Huddersfield station, which is about 30 minutes away from Stalybridge..... the next thing, I wake up and we are about 35 minutes on, speeding towards Manchester, which is about a further 8 miles on from Stalybridge. Thank heavens, I woke up when I did, because the ultimate destination of the train was Liverpool, some 30 miles further on yet again.... Well, I ring home from my mobile to talk to my son, but what can he do? ... my wife doesn't have mobile phone hers elf, so there is no way to contact her!

Anyway, I get to Manchester and I have a decision to make. I could go back on the line on which I came and get off at Stalybridge, hoping that Trude has waited or even called home to see if there was a delay....... Alternatively, as Stalybridge is a fair way from home, I can take another line, this one leading direct home to Glossop, where the station is only about a mile away. I decide on the latter option... I keep making anxious calls home to my son, but no, my wife has not rung in! Oh dear. Anyway about 90 minutes after I should have got home had I done it all properly, I finally arrive back home.. to find Trude's car on the drive and my son greeting me with the news that she's had a sense of humour breakdown, ... So I am well and truly in the doghouse about my thoughtlessness and spending too much time on the computer, etc. etc. What can you say??? Not a lot! Just hoping that the bullet proof clothing has been adequately tested.......

So, I should have finished typing up this episode last night, but was too tired to do so.... I guess that in the interests of getting this one out, then, as prologues go, it will be a short one, not so much a pole-logue, more of a stump-logue, I guess....

The programme starts with a loud knocking on the door. Nick gets up with a fright. He wonders if it is Darren Whateley. Not this time, it's Gail, his mother. She passes comment that he's not at college today. Then she tells him that she has heard that Leanne is back at the Battersby's. Nick makes out it was no big deal, she was merely staying overnight with Toyah. Gail tells him that she is not there to gloat and asks him what the problem is. Nick replies that it is their business. Gail apologises for the intrusion and asks if the problem is serious. Nick braces himself and tells her that Leanne wants a divorce. "So it's true?" replies Gail, "Toyah told me!" "Don't" says Nick, "don't stand there and pretend you're sorry. I bet you've been praying for this all along. I bet you can't wait to get back and start celebrating with Martin, so, so don't let me keep you! Just, get out Mum, all right!"

We are at the Battersby's. Leanne is irritated by some music that Toyah has on and switches it off as it is getting on her nerves. Toyah tells her that she was listening to that and quips "split up from your old man for five minutes and you're already sounding like an old widow!" They then start arguing. Toyah her remarks that the sooner they get back together again, the sooner she'll be able to have her room back. Janice comes in and tells Toyah to have some sympathy for her sister. Toyah complains "the w orld's gotta stop just because she's had a row with Nick!" Les then joins in the row, saying it's not fair for him to have to listen to them on his day off, "have you seen it out there? Beautiful weather - almost worth going to work to have the day off!" He puts the TV on and Janice asks if this is what he is planning to do all day. "Expanding me mind, love" he explains, "some of these American chat shows are the very educational. Do you know, they had a bloke on here the other day, they reckoned he was abd ucted by orange-skinned aliens and made to impregnate two dozen of them." "Well, you never know your luck, maybe they'll beam me up as you push your trolley round Firmans" is the Janice's pithy reply. She throws him a list of shopping items. He says that he'll never be able to carry all of this lot. So she tells him that he will just have to take the car. "Oh, yeah, right, yeah!" is his meaningful response.

Des has popped round to Samanfa's. He thanks her for letting him in. "Just say your peace, Des, I've got things to do" is her reply. He tells her that he's been thinking about this baby being his. He tells her she does not have to go through with the abortion and that he will not run away from his responsibilities. He tells her that he has wanted a baby long enough - although this may not be the way he wanted it, that is not the kid' fault. Irrespective of what has gone on between him and her, he tells Sam that he will always love the baby. He offers to help with the money and confirms he will always be there for it. Samantha says that he means he will be over the road, leaving the Des Barnes bachelor life, posting a cheque through the letterbox once a month, taking the kid out for a walk every Sunday - she tells him to forget this. He disputes it will be like this. She tells him that she will give it the chance.

Janice has come back home. She warns him that she expects the shopping to have been done by the time she comes back from work, or there will, be trouble. Ooh, I like a dominant woman and she certainly knows how to flex her muscles. She asks him what he is up to. He comes down the stairs carrying a box and tells her that, no, he has not gone back to bed, he thought he'd make the most of his day off and clear all the junk out of the loft. His plan was to put it into the skips on his way to the shops. Janice expresses surprise that he has started to clear away anything, except her purse. "That's gratitude for you, that is!", he replies. She asks him if he was trying to clear something out of the house and accuses him of holding onto some stolen gear for someone else. She decides to have a look at the contents of the box and rummages through it, but is unable to find anything suspicious. In the scuffle, Les' back gets hurt, or so he makes out! She apologises for disbelieving him. She offers to ring of the doctor , but he declines, telling her that he will contact the doctor himself. She offers to make it up to him, but when she leaves the house, he reverts back to normal behaviour and breathes a big sigh of relief.

We are at Jim McDonald's. Gary has given Steve a hand in bringing the bed downstairs. Gareh offers to help in any further way, "apart from a bed bath!" After Gary has gone, Steve remarks to the Liz that, seeing the bed downstairs brings it all home to him. She comments that Jim was never the best patient even when he had the flu. "God knows what this is going to be the like" she says. Steve consoles her with the news that she will not have to cope on her own and that he will do all he can. Steve then leaves to pick up Jim from the hospital.

Judy has gone up round to see her boss - Paul has failed to open up the arcade. After banging on the door loudly, she manages to get a response from him. He looks in a terrible state. He tells her that he is not feeling so well. She asks him if he has been drinking and he confirms that he had "one or two" last night. He tells her to get on with opening up the place.

Back at the Webster's, Kevin and Sally have come home after her mother's funeral. She cannot believe that she will never see her mother again. Kevin tries to console her by saying that her mother had not been expected to survive the stroke she had suffered last year and comments that, at least she had had a bit of extra time. "It's my mum's life not a cup final!", she snaps back. He apologises to her saying that this is not to what he meant - she realises that she has over-reacted and apologises herself. He tries to bring her back to reality by saying they need to be practical, for a start, the house cannot be left standing empty, anything could happen to it, maybe they should out it on the market, he suggests.

We are back at Ashley's. Leanne has come home to pick up her things and is clearly surprised to find Nick not at college. He tells her that they have up been invited to Martin's birthday party, her and him, he tells her he didn't know what to say. She tells him that there is nothing to stop him going and asks why he is not at college - he replies that he couldn't face it. Ashley comes home and says to her, "You have come to talk some sense into him, have you? Him, he's been waiting in for that Whateley blok e to turn up". Nick asks her to listen to him but she refuses - she tells him that she listened to him "in the first place when you talked me into all this madness, I listened to you when you asked me to marry you and I wish that I never had." She accuses him of obsessed and tells him that she is going upstairs to collect her stuff and than she is "out of here, for good!"

Natalie has come to see Des - he thanks her for coming to see him and tells her he needs someone to talk to. He confirms that that he has spoken to Samantha and offered to be there for her and the kid, that he did everything but get it down on his hands and knees and beg her not to have an abortion, but she just threw it back in his face. He tells Natalie that it looks as if he has really blown it this time. He feels like he is getting robbed with a shotgun in his face. Natalie commiserates and tells him sh e knows how he must feel, bought it is her choice. He clearly resents not having a say in the matter, but Natalie points out that he cannot force Samantha to have a baby, if she doesn't want to. He asks Nat what he should do and tells her that this driving him round the bend.

Jim has been brought home by Steve. There are a number of well-wishers at the front door - Liz comes out, greets him and tells him, jokingly, that she had almost given up on him. He tells her that it is harder to get out of hospital than prison. Gary is in the crowd to greet him and tells him that it is good to have him back, but Jim replies that he wishes it felt good. Kevin pops his face into through the car window. Just as he is about to get out of the car, the crowd seem to descend on him, everyone want ing to lend a helping hand. Ken dives in with help, despite Jim's protestations, which are ignored. We see a totally exasperated Jim being carried into the house by the mob....

as the theme tune comes in on cue for the End of part 1...

The notable feature was the last in the Renault Clio "Papa and Nicole" series, with a highly amusing and unexpected climax, featuring Bob Mortimer and Viv Reeves. I can't believe that I as the only one who smiled at this witty ending to this highly successful campaign.....

Part 2
Back at the Rovers, Natalie has a quick word with Samantha to tell her that Des has informed her of Sam's abortion. Sam gets all huffy, saying it's no-one else's business. Nat tries to tell her that she understands how upset Sam must feel, after all, it's not easy making a decision like that. Sam blows up (if only!..) in her face and tells Nat that Nat's only motive for saying what she did, was to make sure that she and Des were not lumbered with any children of Des and Sam running around.. but not to worr y, she'll make sure that won't happen. When Nat maintains that she doesn't know what Sam is talking about, Sam tells her to cut the pretence - she knows Nat is in love with Des.....

Gail is telling Martin how devastated Nick is, at Leanne asking for a divorce. Martin expresses surprise at Gail's concern, after all, wasn't this what she wanted? However, Gail maintains that she didn't want Nick to get hurt. Les barges into the conversation to give them a mouthful of how Nick has been mistreating Leanne. Gail asks him whether he has any idea of what is actually going on, but he tells them that you don't need to be a brain surgeon to work it out. Gail tells him that he hasn't a clue, just like them and he needs to keep his "dirty smutty little ideas" to himself, adding that everyone would be a lot better off, including Nick and Leanne.

Back at Jim's, he is apprehensive at the impending "wake" and wishes Liz hadn't set it up, be she tells him it is not a wake, it's just some mates coming around. Jim, hough, cannot see it any other way, " a load of people, coming round telling you how sorry they are." Liz offers to cancel it, maybe under the excuse of being tired or under the weather and Jim seizes on this. "Under the weather? Hmm, stuck in a wheelbarrow with a pair of legs that don't work. Under the weather. It's just about dead on, don't you think?" Liz apologies, saying that all this is as hard for her as for him, when there is a knock on the door - it's Party time! She asks him what he wants her to do.. .faced with no real alternative, tells her to let in his friends.....

Judeh finds her boss, Paul, hitting the bottle in his office. She is exasperated, as she has been rushed off her feet while he has been getting himself drunk. He tells her that they need to talk about "that night"! She is angry and wants to out it out of her mind, saying that, as far as she's concerned, it never happened, she was desperate for cash. He likens her desperation to his state now, but she no time for this sort of talk and tells him to sort himself out.

Back at Jim' party, Jack is asking what are the plans for getting Jim back on his feet, to which comes Jim's reply that the best available is to "take it day by day...quite frankly that is no use to me..." Kevin tries to reassure Jim by saying that there will be a job waiting for him at the garage, but Jim thanks him for the consideration, pointing out that he can hardly see himself getting to grips with an engine while he's in a wheelchair. Gareh tries to point out that Jim is a fighter. A knock on the doo r precedes Steve's arrival and while Liz goes to answer the door, Jim asks for a slug of whisky. Whe Jack points out that he is not supposed to be drinking, Jim tells him in no uncertain terms that he does not care about what he should or should not be doing, it's all he's got. Steve comes in with Fiona, apologising for his late arrival, but Jim is glad he's there. Steve tells off his father for drinking, but Jim goes into a rage - when Gareh tells him that he will need to listen to the doctor, if he wishes to get out of the chair, Jim gets very angry, "as if you'd know anything about being in a chair" Liz hears raised voices and asks Jim whether he is fine. He tells he that he is, raising his voice further, but then admits that he sin't - he needs to go to the toilet. "You see, that's how good it gets boys, I have to get my wife - my ex-wife - to go and get a potty for me, so I can go to the toilet. So, I think you've all seen enough. I'd be very grateful if you left me in peace. The freak show is over...." With that, the guests make an embarrassed exit.

At the Rovers, Les is on the cadge again, inviting his son, Greg, to buy him a drink. Sam expresses surprise that Les "can feel his legs, never mind his bad back, the amount he's had to drink." When Greg asks his dad what he's done with his back, Les tells him that he has won an Oscar!!!

Jack, Gareh and Kevin are discussing Jim's plight - Jack comments "one day you're on top of the world with everything to live for. The next, you're cut down in your prime." Gareh points out though, that it has been one thing after another for Jim, one long downward spiral. Kevin adds that, judging by tonight's performance, it is evident that Jim has not hit the bottom yet.

Les is continuing to tell Greg, about how he has had a dodgy back for years, so Janice doesn't suspect anything. Greg points out that the court took Les' licence away for 18 months and he cannot keep up the pretence that long. But Les is optimistic, after all "bad backs are funny things", he's made a study of them and he wouldn't be surprised if he could do everything within reason, except drive!!!

Maxine tries to chat up Greg for a date as Fiona's place is available, but he's trying to play it all cool, saying they are not shackled to each other, "so let's keep it fresh, keep the fires burning." To Maxine's delight, he suggest putting a couple of logs on the fire tomorrow night and her face perks up.

Sally is reading a letter from her mum.. this was her final letter, which had arrived a few days before she died. She bursts into tears, saying that her mother had asked her to bring the kids, as it was ages since she had seen them or Sally. Kevin tries to tell he not to feel guilty, but to no avail. She wasn't there for her mum - she comments that the last time she spent any time with her, was when Kevin ran off with Natalie, "That's something to remember her by, isn't it? That and a letter begging to see her grandchildren..." Kevin asks her to come to bed as she is tired, but Sally is distraught. "What difference will that make? She'll still be dead in the morning, won't she?" She apologises and tells Kevin to go up, that she wants to be on her own.

Natalie calls in on Des, telling him she'd stopped by after seeing his light on and asks about the latest news. Des tells her that he's been wrestling with the issue all day. He tells her how Sam thinks he'll be just a part-time dad and reminds himself that he used to worship her and that they could make a go of it again. "You mean, marry her?" asks an incredulous Natalie. "Yes, if that is what she wants, live with her, it doesn't really matter, as long as we're together" is his response. Nat tells him that she is not the right person to ask, but Des says that she knows Samantha, who else can he ask? "Not me, not this" says Natalie. She then tells him that she doesn't want to share him with anybody, let alone a kid... and that she loves him....

Jim is looking, wistfully, at an old photo of himself in army uniform, thinking of the past. Liz apologises for the party saying that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Jim tells her that it should be him doing the apologising, but Liz will have none of it. Jim doesn't want to be mollycoddled and says that he was out of order. He points to his old photo and asks whether she remembers the person in the picture. She tells him that he always looked good in dress uniform. He continues "after all we've been through in the army, to finish like this.. a drunk, on a building site falling off scaffolding.." Although, Liz tells him that nothing has finished, he doesn't hear her "I wonder what he'd make of me, legless, washed up, no hope, that's all." Liz tells him that there is a long way to go, but he asks whether it is worth it. Liz cannot cope any more with the pity and snaps "I don't wanna hear this.. I'm tired, I need to go to bed...come on..." She looks to help him from his chair into the bed, but doesn't know quite ho w to go about it and asks him how to do it. He lifts his body from the chair using his hands and manoeuvres himself clumsily onto the bed. He lies on top of the sheets in his dressing gown. She wishes him goodnight. As she leaves the room he asks, "what's gonna happen to me, Liz", but she is on her way upstairs, having turned the light off. He starts sobbing inconsolably, as he considers his fate, as we hear Liz' voice from upstairs saying "Just shout if you need me......"

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Phil Ford
Script Copyright ITV Television

 

Well, how was it for me?

A nice mix of drama and comedy.

The comedy provided by Les and Toyah, who continue to have some great lines.....

The drama by some moving scenes, firstly with Sally, portraying so accurately the guilt following a bereavement, the regret for opportunities lost. Secondly, a classic performance from Jim, as he realises the implications of his disability, loses hope and snaps... Tear-provoking scenes from both.....

And that's about it, apart from the fact that the Teletubbie saga continues at home... last week my wife bought me a purple dressing gown. Also, my son saw some Teletubbie bath sponges at the local chemists and proceeded to tell them the whole story and they thought the whole thing was a real scream... I can see I'm going to be in for some merciless ribbing when I go there again. Anyway, after that, my wife got me a Tinky Winky sponge..... I asked her how far the saga would run, and her reply was that "it'l l run and run and run....."

So, without further ado, I suppose that I'm now to be officially known in ratucs/irc-land as Tinky^.....

...so until I see ya next week, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^

Regards, Alan


Sunday 31 May

Good morning, campers !! Yes, we've been to Butlins. Well, not really Butlins, more Center Parcs. Same idea but a little more panache, and a lot more cash. With my debts, I will be joining the league of third world nations soon. Just as long as I can reschedule the repayments for the 22nd century, I can live with the shame.

In keeping with the now austere regime at Laird Towers, this will be a suitably meagre introduction. (Actually, it's mostly because we're running late at the moment, and I do not intend to be held to blame any more than strictly necessary. So, no lengthy recap of the backwaters of East Anglia, or the sexual preferences of most of Durham.)

So, arm yourself with some stale dry biscuits and a glass of tepid tap-water as we settle down to view the latest goings-on down our favourite Street...

Act 1
We open with the unedifying spectacle of Liz putting on Jim's socks. Tactfully, she suggests that his toenails could do with "a trim", an idea that he does not greet with much enthusiasm. [Sorry, did I forgot to say you are advised not to actually eat *while* reading. Munch away between the paragraphs instead.] She leaves for a day's overtime at Baldwin's factory, the door shutting just moments before Jim's newspaper drops through the letter-box. Jim goes to wheel himself to the front door to pick it up, but gets his wheelchair stuck in the door-frame to the front room. [Strange how he's got through in the other direction...]

Les is adjusting his beloved TV by way of bashing it hard on the top. Hearing Janice approach with his full English breakfast, he quickly sits down again in his own sick-bed, the armchair in front of the box. Janice asks how he is, to learn that his back is still bad. [I presume he intends to keep up this act for the full year until he can drive again, or is this a temporary bout of bone-idleness ?] After a brief exchange about the lack of fried bread on his plate, Janice leaves for work - another stalwart at the lingerie factory it seems. But not before she asks him to "do one thing for me." "Blimey, I have got a bad back you know !", responds one-track mind Les. Not that you cretin, keep an eye on R Leanne.

What next, but yet another Street resident off to work on a weekend ! Sally too, is packing in the overtime, as Kevin bundles the girls off in the car to the swimming pool. Kevin apparently has a great idea, but it will have to wait until later.

At Ashley's house, our hero is trying to cheer up Nick, by offering to take him out for the evening. But apparently Nick is already going to the Rovers as it is Martin's birthday drinks that night. Ashley has a go at Nick about the Darren/Leanne situation, thinking it might be best if he tries to make up with his wife, but son of Brian shoots him down, telling him that it is none of Ashley's business.

Judy is off to work too, leaving Gary to deal with his hangover. Apparently, Paul, the arcade manager, has been having drink problems too, of a more serious nature. Gary pops in to see Jim, picking up the newspaper from the doormat on the way. Realising why Jim had not collected it himself, he offers to sort out the doorframe. Jim tells him that any mess in the process wouldn't be a problem as he's pretty much stuck with staring at his four walls anyway. Gary sympathises, saying how he is sure *he* wouldn't cope well at all. "Don't worry, Gary", says Jim, "I can't even get into the kitchen to stick my head in the oven, or upstairs to swallow pills from the medicine cabinet !".

Des has come to see Samantha. The fool has decided that he does want them to get back together after all. She decides that this might be OK, and he offers to see her that evening, cook them both a meal sort of thing. Sam agrees. [During most of this conversation, Des is talking to Samantha's back. No, no, there's nothing dodgy going on ! She just doesn't want him to see her lying face, that's all. Des really is stupid, isn't he ?]

Time flies when you're having fun, and seemingly moments after starting work, Liz, Janice and Sally are leaving Underworld at lunchtime. Liz is off to see Jim, while the other two adjourn to the Rovers for a well-earned drinkie or two. Somehow [er, because I wasn't paying enough attention, sorry] the subject of Sally's Mum comes up. Janice tells Sally that Les would be hopeless in a similar situation - "he'd only be bothered about who was paying for the funeral and whether there would be an inheritance coming his way".

And who's already at the bar, but Les "missing-link" Battersby himself. Seemingly recovered somewhat, he informs Janice that he has in fact felt worse, and has been to the doctor's already. [What, on a Saturday ? Without 3 weeks prior notice ?? Methinks not.] Furthermore, some strange interaction between Les' left foot and his sore back means he might not be able to drive for a year, maybe more ! Les commiserates with Sally's bereavement, before asking her if she has any siblings. This starts to come across as some genuine concern, before he ruins it by suggesting that there will be plenty coming her way as her Mum's money will only be split two ways ! Janice shoves him away and gives him a hard kick for his trouble. Greg leaves, asking Les to pop over to see Maxine and tell her he can't make their date that night, but not before he and Sally have been introduced and have made some very interesting looking eyes at one another. [There'll be trouble here. Mark my words !]

Des arrives to tactfully inform Natalie that he and Sam are going to make a go of it. [Somewhere in a universe far far away, please. Walford will do nicely.] Natalie takes it on the chin, but looks upset.

At Jim's house, Jack and Gary have arrived with some canned liquid refreshments for Jim. He looks much better as they share a drink and a chinwag, but Liz spoils it by arriving and going off the deep-end about Jim drinking again. Jack and Gary shuffle off in an excruciatingly embarrassing scene. You really felt sorry for them. "It's for your own good", Liz McNightingale tells the big man. Jim doesn't look convinced.

Sally is back at home, talking to Rita about her Mum's death. After a spot of sympathy, the girls rush in with some play food for Rita. She takes this as he cue to leave [before she has to stay for spaghetti on toast !], as Kevin enters. He has offered Rowsie and Surphie a takeaway pizza - "what's wrong with one from our freezer ?" asks Sally. Kevin replies that they can surely afford a treat from time to time before spilling the beans on his great idea. They can use Sally's Mum's money to buy out Natalie's share of the garage. Can't they ?

Gary bumps into Des who is carrying a bunch of flowers, and learns that not only is he getting back together with the Orange Girl, but that she is with Satsuma ! [Just ready for Xmas, too.] Plainly, Des is no Jaffa. Gary offers his congratulations, but warns Des that this is not the best idea if the baby is the only reason.

Leanne is returning home from the Kabin, passing Janice and Les who are off for a curry, but declines to join them. She is followed across the road by that darling of the 70's glamour scene, Darren Essex. He knocks on her door, and forces his way in as she tries to keep him out.

Intermission
A fairly bum assortment tonight. Would that I were the one to tell you what happened in the next instalment of the Renault Clio ads, but that honour falls to Alan "Tinky" Me-left-cheek. Uvavu, is my only comment !

Act 2
We take up where we left off, in the Battersby home, with Darren revealing to Leanne that he knows she is married, and who to. "Why are you making a fool of me like this ?", he wants to know. [Come on Mr Essex, it's not Leanne's fault, it's your hairdresser - it's as plain as day that your hairline is halfway back to your arse but that attempt to brush a few stray locks forward over your eyebrows in a gypsy fashion is just laughable !] Leanne breaks down as he continues to press her for information. Darren seems to be a little bit shocked at her frightened state.

In the Rovers, R Nicky and Ashley look as morose as a morose thing. Nick in particular appears several sheets to the wind as Ashley is apparently spiking his drinks. His state does not go unnoticed by his Mum, who is at the bar with Martin. Martin is apparently 30. [30... seems *such* a long time ago, now. Sniff.] Gary has a playful josh with Natalie about looking no older than 29 herself, then remarking that it must be the light because Audreh looks exactly the same ! [29 decades in her case.]

Kevin and Sally air their dirty laundry about the garage, in front of Rita. Sally really isn't happen about the idea at all. Kevin isn't happy that she isn't happy.

Maxine discovers that no-one has seen Greg that evening. [Well, in a wood-panelled saloon, who would have noticed him ?]

Gail and Audrey wander over to see Nick and Ashley. In a blinding display of tactlessness, Audrey wonders why Nick isn't out on the town enjoying himself, seeing as he is a single man once more. Nick reminds everyone that "she walked out on *me*", before doing the same to the regulars in the bar.

Leanne admits to Darren that the letters were all Nick's idea, and that she doesn't really know why he was writing them. Outside, Nick lurches to the front door before turning and heading for his own house. Is he ever going to get there on time to save poor Leanne ?

Samantha arrives for her cosy evening with Des. She tells him that she wants things absolutely straight between them, and that Natalie has to be out of the way. Des protests that Nat was just a friend, although Sam thinks there was more to it. Pretty soon, the clown Desmond is practically begging to be allowed to be a part of Samantha's little, but ever-growing family unit. A reconciliatory kiss ensues, but if Des had just managed to open his eyes, he might have seen Samantha staring distractedly at the ceiling. [She's a nutter, that one.]

Nick appears to have struggled with his conscience long enough, and is returning to Leanne's house. Hearing her voice raised, he rushes round the back and in through the kitchen door, realising who is inside. Sadly, he comes off rather badly in a brief struggle with Darren, and it looks like he copped one in the underwear department. He eyes the bread-knife on the table, but Darren sees it too, and tells him he'd be a fool to try. Nick duly obliges, and is easily fended off again by Darren. In a neat twist, Darren turns the tables on Nick by telling him that that was what happened to him when he was about the same age, "two minutes of madness" when he stabbed Brian. And now he has lost nearly 10 years of his life, and will forever be seen as a murderer. Before leaving, he tells Nick that "I came here to see what you wanted - but you don't really know yourself, do you ?". He leaves a catatonic pair - Leanne with fright, and Nick apparently as a result of holding his breath for too long. [Another gem of a facial grimace tonight.]

This episode was written by David Lane.

Getting better again, imho. The producers are really packing in scenes at the moment (although I have sometimes taken liberties and compressed a few together or left others out), and the "pace" is picking up as a result.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

Best line: As Janice cops Les one in the shins after his remark to Sally, she adds "I wish the doctor had given you something for your mouth, not your back !". Delivered in a wonderfully rounded Lancashire accent. (In the not-far-north-of-Manchester area, but some anorak will supply a more precise locality I'm sure !)

Best scene: Leanne with Darren. Jane Danson put in a terrific display of looking truly petrified before finally bursting into tears.

And that's yer lot, as they say. I'll be back in a more timely fashion later this week, all being well with the rest of the updaters.

Ta-ra, John



Written by John Laird, Peter Dewhirst, CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk


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