Episode updates - June 1998

Monday 1 June

We open chez Webster, apparently at breakfast. Kevin is asking Sally to state her position in buying Natalie out of the garage. Sally doesn't want to talk about it right now, she's got other things on her mind - the loss of her Mother. Kevin reminds her that she was keen enough to get Natalie out of their lives six months ago, so what has changed? Sally suggests that Natalie isn't quite as much of a threat now. Kevin gets quite aggressive, telling her to make her mind up.

And it's breakfast at the Batt's, where Janice is still comforting Leanne about the Darren Whately business. Les is stooped over tying his bootlaces, which reminds Janice that he shouldn't be able to do that with his bad back, indeed the only thing he seems unable to do is drive. Les explains that driving involves the use of special muscles, and the doctor told him to rest them! Just then Nick arrives to see Leanne, so J & L make themselves scarce - but not before Les threatens Nick that he's got to look after Leanne.

Nick tells Leanne that he'd like the chance to look after her, but she's being defensive. What made him go for the knife like that? If she hadn't stopped him they could both have found themselves responsible for a murder. Nick tries to apologise, saying it's the most stupid thing he's done in his life (crawling out of Gail's womb must be a close second), but Leanne won't hear his apologies, and sends him away so that she can think.

Les and Greg are just walking past the Webster's when Sally emerges. both men offer their sympathies, but Les spoils it by suggesting that if he'd known earlier he could have save her a few bob because he has a mate who deals in cardboard coffins. Greg sets him up - 'Why waste money on the dead, eh, Les?' 'Exactly, why fork out on a wooden overcoat you're only gonna wear once?' They make their excuses and leave, but the camera shows Sally looking at their retreating figures, then cuts to Greg's backside as if to suggest that is what Sally is really watching. A few steps later, Greg turns around and smiles back at Sally, which she reciprocates.

Greg continues up the Street then crosses to call at Hair By Fiona. The eponymous crimper's assistant, Maxime, comes out coincidentally, and he tries to apologise for last night - 'Something came up'. Maxime isn't interested, she doesn't even want to speak to him, and runs back inside.

Big Jim is watching daytime television, channel hopping to find something of interest. He is saved from the banality by a knock at the door. The door must be on the latch because he calls out and St Emily comes in, with that ubiquitous cry of 'Only me!!!!'. He asks if she'd like a cup of tea, which she declines, but he asks her to make him one anyway. St Emily is delighted to be able to do something for him, until Jim suggests that she only came to see how he was so that she could go home, pleased with herself. He apologises for his cynicism. St Emily is in full Hospital-Visiting-mode, and explains that she came bearing gifts, from the charity shop: A ragged paperback entitled 'Showdown at Deadman's Gulch, and, wait for it, a jigsaw of cute kittens, with perhaps one or two pieces missing! Emily senses Jim's feelings and says 'I'm a real Sister of Mercy, aren't I? ...... I'll go and make the tea.' Jim smiles, and seems pleased that she cares.

In the amusement arcade, Judy is counting the cash, strangely, though, she is bagging it and putting it on the counter where any passing young Liam could snatch it away. A scruffy unshaven Paul arrives at the door to the booth, and Judy reluctantly lets him in. She seems to think he wants to touch her up, but when he realises that she thinks that he backs away, apologising.

It must be lunchtime now, because Natalie is serving Kevin in the Rovers. He asks if she's reconsidered selling. She hasn't, and the last six months haven't changed her mind. Natalie accuses him of wanting to get rid of her.

Sam serves Gary and he congratulates her on her pregnancy news, suggesting that his 'n' Judy's will be about the same time so they could be playmates. And share babysitting duties. They joke about Des drawing up a roster, and whether he should run a book on its sex.

Natalie is pleased that Sam and Des are back together, and says as much. Sam tells her how she couldn't have gone back to Des without Natalie's support. 'My pleasure' comments Natalie, as Sam goes off to serve someone.

Liz has come round to get Jim's lunch, and raises the suggestion that she might go out for an hour this evening. She needn't have worried about Jim's reaction to that, because he encourages her, indeed almost seems to be looking forward to the jigsaw, or a few chapters of 'Showdown at Deadman's gulch'. Liz reads this as sarcasm, and says she'll stay in if he wants, but he encourages her to go. She puts a sandwich down on top of the jigsaw, but in the few seconds while they talk about a brave paraplegic young lad Emily told him about, the plate moves from the jigsaw box to the table.

Des and Gareh are laughing with Sam across the bar. Natalie looks on with distaste, then homes in on Kevin, asking what the offer was for the garage. He says he'll give her fifty percent of what it's worth, and Natalie's question of 'what is it worth?' is taken by Kevin as showing interest. She suggests fifty percent plus five grand - she's serious if he is. He asks why she's interested now, looking round at Des and Sam she suggests that there's nothing to keep her around there any more.

END OF PART ONE

The phone is ringing at Jim's house, but he can't get through the door to the hallway before it stops. Then he finds that he can't get through the doorway anyway. He's just rolling back to his jigsaw when there's a knock at the door, and a cheery Les Battersby crying 'Only me!!!' 'Oh my God' mutters Jim to himself and nineteen million viewers. Les has this idea that compensation will be due to him. Jim points out that it wasn't an industrial accident, but Les thinks he could sue the bloke who put the scaffolding up - 'they're all mad, you know, scaffolders, it's a well known fact'. Jim tells him that it was his own fault, and there's no point in pursuing it. Les thinks he ought to get moving with a claim, otherwise he might get the use of his legs back before a settlement can be reached - and he'd end up with nothing.

Spotting the jigsaw and paperback, Les offers to get Jim something stronger, or even videos. Jim isn't pleased by this offer, and seems to be suggesting that mucky videos are not the sort of thing that is appropriate when all is not well in the trouser department. 'Leslie, are you trying to be funny?' he asks. Les says that he understands illness, and that he lost his job on the rigs because of back trouble, but he pulled through. Jim humours Les by suggesting that this is inspiration for him - if Les could get over it, then there's hope for him yet.

Outside the Kabin, Nick surprises Leanne with a bunch of red roses, and a plea that she takes him back. She isn't interested. He then reminds her of the time they went up to Scotland, and she slept in his arms all they way. He asks her to take him back there. Leanne softens and gives him a big hug.

Natalie calls at the garage to see if Kevin is ready to agree a price. He's still quibbling about the five grand, which surprises Natalie as she thinks five grand on top of what they'll have to borrow is irrelevant. Kevin explains that they won't be borrowing, they'll have cash following Mrs Seddon's death. Natalie now understands why the idea of buying her out has suddenly resurfaced. They haggle over this five grand, and settle on three.

Des has called on Orangina to make sure she's not had second thoughts about getting back with him. She hasn't, not this time. Turning to living arrangements, he asks her if Curly knows. No, she says, she hasn't seen him this morning. Well that's more recent than us, love, we've not seen him in weeks. Des asks her to move back in with him, perhaps on a trial basis. She is keen to settle down for good this time, after all the moving around she's done.

Hurrah hurrah! Here's the return of Sir Royston!!

Nick and Leanne are in the cafe, Roy comes over to ask whether it is true that they are back together - 'only I just wanted to know what sort of mood I can expect Gail to be in for the next two weeks.'

Nick still wants to talk about Darren Whately, and thinks they ought to report him to the police for forcing his way in. Leanne thinks they as good as invited him there, but Nick wants to do this to get him put away again. Leanne doesn't want any more involvement, but Nick then suggests that Whately might come back again.

Jim is getting stuck into his jigsaw, Liz still feels guilty at going out, but Jim once again encourages her. She leaves, and Jim vents his frustration by throwing a piece of the jigsaw against the wall. Never mind Jim, it had missing pieces anyway!

In the Rovers, Studley II sits down with Maxime, and lies that he's just learned that Les didn't pass on his message to her that 'something had come up'. Maxime suggests that he could have phoned, she had spent two hours in the kitchen for him. He apologises by buying her a drink and offering to take her out for a meal, 'but not tonight, I'm tied up.'

Janice is encouraging Liz to enjoy herself, and not to feel guilty about leaving Jim on his own.

Sally is at the bar, and Natalie asks 'are you happy now, now you've got the garage?' This is news to Sally, who turns and leaves.

Still at the bar, Maxime has a go at Les for omitting to give her the message from Greg. They score points off each other when comparing intellects, until Les suggests that Greg wouldn't have stood her up if he cared anything about her, and that 'they're queuing up around the block for a date with him. 'Well he's going out with ME' says Maxime, with all the emotion she can put into the line, which isn't much. Les puts her down, questioning why Greg should be lowering himself to going out with 'a hairdresser's assistant.'

The phone rings again in the McDonald household, and Big Jim tries to manoeuvre his wheely through the door to the hall. As we all expected, he gets jammed, and tries to reach out to the phone. Sure enough, the wheely topples over, he falls out, and the caller hangs up. An angry Jim still has the strength to lift the wheely from the doorway and throw it over his head to the other side of his body in the hallway.

Back in the Rovers, Maxime goes to join Janice and Liz. She seizes her opportunity to get back at Les, and tells Janice how she was with Greg when Les had the accident. She puts Janice right - Les didn't save Charlie West from a burning car, Les was driving, alone, and Les wouldn't have been done for drunken driving if he were only a passenger. 'Drunk driving? What're you on about?' 'You know, when he hit that cop car?' Janice is getting interested, especially when Maxime fills her boots and explains about Greg going to bail Les out, and how Les had been returning from visiting Greg's Mother in Warrington. Innocently, Maxime says 'I thought you knew...' 'I'll crucify him' threatens RJanice, to Maxime's eminent pleasure.

La Mouton goes back to Jim's, and finds a scene of devastation. Quite how she got in when he'd thrown the wheely against the door is not stated, nor do we see how he dragged himself to a semi-recumbent posture against the bed, but that's dramatic licence. She blames herself for leaving him, and wants to get an ambulance, but all Big Jim wants is her to fetch the wheelchair. With superhuman strength for someone so damaged and so recently in hospital, he hauls himself up into the chair. He begins to liken himself to a baby, he's getting more and more dependant on Liz. She tells him to stop thinking like that - she'll get through this, and so will he even if she has to drag him.

The goddess Toyah is watching TV when Les comes home. 'Ah, there you are, Petal' says RJanice, ''Ello Flower' says Les. Janice thinks he's taken her house keys, so he gets his keyring out. She says it looks like hers, but as they have matching Everley Brothers keyrings - One is Don and the other Phil - he chides her for not being able to tell the difference. 'Well just let me go check', says Janice, moving off to the kitchen with his keys, 'and I've got a lovely surprise for you.....' she adds seductively. Les's eyes go towards the bedroom, but brought down to earth when Janice starts throwing first bags of his clothes and then punches: 'That' (Thwack) 'is for lying to me about you and Charlie West.' 'That' (Punch) 'is for getting done for drunk driving'. 'That' (Smack) 'is for lying to me about what the doctor said and this' (Thump) 'is for sleeping with Moira'

A bit like an episode of Batman, eh?

Calling him a lousy lying rat, Janice hits him again, so Les turns to Toyah for assistance - 'get 'er off me!!!' 'I can't, I'm watching TV' Top Man Toyah!!! Janice is particularly angry that the whole street knew except her.

Des has gone round to Curly's to collect Sam and her belongings. He is surprised that she hasn't got her bags ready. She soon explains that she has decided not to come, she doesn't want to make another mistake. Furthermore, she's made an appointment at the clinic, she's having the abortion on Wednesday.

Back at the Battersby's, Janice is throwing Les into the Street. Despite his pleas that he has nowhere to go, Janice tells him to go to Moira's. Les repeats that he didn't sleep with Moira, but Janice won't hear it, she's finished with him. She slams the door, with his keys on the inside. Les stands in the Street, a trifle shocked.

Episode written by Martin Allen.

Dewey

Wednesday 3 June

Since this update is *extremely* late, there won't be a prologue this week; nor will there be an "As I See It" at the end. I'm afraid it's straight down to work this week.

Hello, hello, hello? Who's this, then, emerging from an outside toilet with his head bowed and covered in a blanket? No, it's not George Michael - it's Les Battersby, who has spent the night in the outdoor loo and is now quite obviously too stiff to walk properly. (Just wait till Janice gets you on the Viagra, Les, and then we can talk 'stiff'). Anyway, Les bangs on the back door and tries to curry favour with Janice, but she's having none of it. Les's attempt to bed Greg's mother, Moira, is too much for Janice to tolerate, and so she quite rightly sends him away with a flea in his ear. Plus she promises to put a padlock on the boghouse door so he won't be able to sleep there anymore either.

At the Webster residence, Sally is still giving Kevin a tongue-lashing over his plans to spend £3000 of her dead mother's money to sweeten Natalie into parting with her half of the garage. Sally, understandably, is apoplectic. "£3000! £3000!" she wails. "You could have spent that money on your kids. [Yes, just think of all the white bread and fishfingers you could buy with that!] We could have bought a new car with that! Or a new house!" (A new house, for £3000? Maybe she meant as a downpayment, I don't know. The whole business has become tiresome beyond belief and I find that when I watch anything with Kevin in it these days, I start to lose the will to live). Sally's ranting has no effect on Kevin, who wants neither a new car nor a new house. (Now had she suggested a nice little cottage somewhere, it might have been different...) "I bet it makes you feel great, chucking my money about," screeches Sally. "Why didn't you offer her more!? Ten thousand, fifteen thousand! It's the first time I come into some money and you want to give it to your ex-bit-on-the-side! You couldn't invent that; it's priceless." Keven has no real answer to Sally's tirade, apart from telling her ad nauseam that all he wants to do is get Natalie off his back. (Why, Kev? Is there a queue?)

Another tiresome plotline is the Orangina abortion debacle. Here we see her and Des, talking about the baby she may or may not be carrying. Des is clearly a pro-lifer, because he gives her this spiel about how she's carrying a human life, and how, if she aborts it, it will come back to haunt her for the rest of her life. Orangina says that carrying Des's baby to full term is simply not on, given all that has happened between them. Des says that he'll look after the baby, but Orange Girl declines. "It's not what I want," she protests. "It's what *I* want," Des remonstrates. "After all, it's my baby too!" But Orange Girl is having none of it. And before you can say "UB40", the soon-to-be unemployed Orangina is out of the door and into a waiting taxi. Des follows her, banging on the door of the cab as she pulls away. He begs her, implores her, pleads with her. (And I have to say it, echoing my old mate Frankie, that Des is a miserable pleader and no mistake). Gareh strolls by while Des is faffing around in the street, but Des is too overwhelmed by it all to notice him. He runs to his car, realises it's locked, dashes into the house and fetches his keys. Reversing like a maniac, he finally points his trusty steed in the right direction and tries to follow Sam's cab.

Looking on while all this happens is a perplexed Sally. But she's not perplexed for long, because she soon gets her wits about her for another run-in with Kevin, who is stood standing against the garage wall like some superannuated rentboy waiting for a punter. He reminds Sally that she had always wanted him to own the garage all by himself. "But if you bought Natalie out with my money, then I'd own half, wouldn't I?" (Sally 1, Kevin 0).

At the Kabin, Les is touting for Leanne's sympathy, but not getting very far. He's also there to purchase a packet of headache pills, but at £1.76 a box, he'll make do with the migraine, thankyou very much. (Actually, it's probably just a headache: Les is *far* too common to have migraines!) Leanne gives Les short shrift and does not buy his story that Janice has 'got the wrong end of the stick'.

Back at the garage, Natalie has come to tell Kevin that they should set the ball rolling with the garage sale, but Kevin does not seem so sure. "I hope you're not having second thoughts," says Natalie, who is clearly unaware that for Kevin, having any kind of thought requires Herculean effort and is usually avoided at all costs. Kevin says that he doesn't want Sally to know more than she needs to know about the particulars of the garage sale, which elicits from Natalie a wry, "But Kevin, I didn't know you and Sally had secrets from each other?" (Oh come on, Natalie - they're married, aren't they?). Natalie leaves Kevin with a tongue-in-cheek "I just hope you and Sally haven't been arguing..."

At this point, the red and flustered Des reappears, his fruitless pursuit of Sam's cab over. He tells Natalie that Sam has gone off to have an abortion, and that he's going to ring around all of the abortion clinics in the area to find her.

Back at the Kabin, it's Janice's turn to bitch about Les - which she does with great gusto while eating a Mars Bar. (I have it on good authority that Mike Plowman was unable to begin his update after this particular episode all because of this one scene. Repetitive Strain Injury can be painful, and I hope the wrist gets better soon, Mike). The upshot is that Janice admits to having given Les his marching orders. "He's a muck-heap!" she snarls, licking a trace of chocolate from her full, pouting lips. (Steady on, Mike! What would you have done if she'd been eating a Curly Wurly?)

We cut across town now to the reception area of what looks unnervingly like my local doctor's surgery, but what in fact turns out to be an abortion clinic. Des storms up to the desk and demands to be allowed to see Samantha, adding that he only wants to be with her in her hour of need. (Now put me right if I've missed something. I've heard of men being present at the birth of their kids, but never at an abortion. Is this an American trend?) The woman at reception - a severe type dressed in red who could easily pass as Warden Veitch's sister - tries to fob him off, but he gets stroppy and she has to have him ejected from the clinic by a rather hunky security guard.

In another part of town, Judeh is looking around a clothes shop when she sees Orangina buying a pair of jeans. She is just about to call her when Orangina pays for her purchase and sashays off. [This is a cue for all of us clueless viewers to put two and two together: if Orangina is in some clothing emporium buying jeans, she obviously can't have been to the abortion clinic to have that pip removed, can she? So now we know! Des, of course, doesn't. And never will, poor sod, although he doesn't know that either].

At the Rovers, there is one big free-for-all, with most of the cast turning up in this scene at one point or other. There's Gary and Des, discussing Orangina's termination (or non-termination, as the case may be); there's Janice and Sally, with Janice wishing out loud that Greg would 'go back where he came from' [i.e. the cast of Thunderbirds], unaware that he is standing right next to her; there's Les, trying to make Janice see reason but getting nothing from her but short shrift; there's Jim McDonald, complete with matching wheels, being coerced into social intercourse by La Mouton; there's Judeh, who tells an astonished Des that she has just seen Orangina in a jeans shop; and finally there's Maxine, who enters the Rovers and sidles up to Greg just as he is about to try out his chat-up lines on Sally Webster. The scene ends with everyone crowding round the paralysed brickie, like sick voyeurs at some ghastly fashion accident, welcoming him back to the Rovers where he belongs. "I don't want people feeling sorry for me," bleats Jim, obviously forgetting that people felt sorry for him long before he fell from that scaffolding.

At the Cafe, Les phones his mate Charlie West in the hope of arranging alternative accommodation for the night, and they duly arrange to meet at 5.30 on the corner of Rosamund Street. Meanwhile, Les asks Leanne whether he can have the use of her place until Charlie arrives. "I'll give you the key," she says, "but don't make a mess; don't let Ashley see you; and don't be there when I get home!" Tilly is also in the Cafe, using yet another opportunity to push Leanne into going to the police over the Darren Whately affair. Leanne wants nothing to do with, mindful of the fact that whatever she says about Whateley, she'll be implicating Tilly in the process. "But he's a murderer!" screeches Whoopsie Boy. "Yes," says Leanne, "but look what you did to *him*!"

At the Rovers, Liz has shunted Jim into a corner and is now discussing him with Sally at the bar. "Jim's looking loads brighter," says Sally, tactfully. "Yes," says Liz, "it could have been a big mistake bringing him in here!" Cue - as if you didn't know - a Big Mistake. For who should come through the door of the Rovers at this point but Bernard Ingham in drag, aka Maud Grimes. As soon as Maud sees Jim, she tootles across to talk to him. "How are you getting on with your chair, Jim?" she says. "It's not all bad, is it?" Jim does not even hesitate. "No, Maud, it's not: I get to stay in this chair all day; I get someone to lift me out and I then I get someone to wipe my backside for me. It's like a holiday, so it is!" As his ranting subsides, his drinking buddies leave in droves, each with their own excuse, and it is left to a deeply embarrassed La Mouton to wheel the sad Irish brickie out of the pub and back to his sad little house.

At the Websters, Kevin and Sally are still bickering over Natalie, the garage sale, and Sally's mum's money. Kev says that buying the garage was what Sally always wanted, while she declares that she is determined not to give Natalie a penny of her mother's money. "Do you always want Natalie around our necks?" asks Kev, exasperated. "I'm past caring," snorts Sally. And then: "£3000!! You could have spent it on your kids!"

La Mouton, meanwhile, is ripping into Jim McDonald over the way he treated Maud in the pub. "She's a harmless old lady," hisses La M, "and you're a mean-minded pig! She was only trying to be nice! Didn't your brain register that?" Tongue-lashing over, La Mouton flounces out of the room, leaving the poor marooned ex-soldier to toy half-heartedly with his jigsaw. But as soon as La Mouton is through the door and out of earshot, Jim picks up the jigsaw and hurls it across the room with all the strength he can muster.

Outside on the Street, Les's friend Charlie West has arrived with some 'alternative accommodation' for Les. In the form of a camper van. (Camper than what, though?]. To say it is almost a total wreck would be an understatement. The interior is dark, dingy and disgusting - but just right for Les, who seems happier in there than a dog with two dicks. No running water, of course - but probably lots of running sores, if the state of the bedclothes is anything to go by. There's a cooker which doesn't work, a fridge which isn't hooked up to the electricity either, and a tiny chemical loo which smells as though it hasn't been cleaned since Charles married Di. [I still can't believe that Charles cheated on her for that awful Parker-Bowles woman. I mean, who in their right mind would give up a gorgeous babe like Lady Di for some old Audreh Roberts lookalike?]. "It's a palace, it's a palace!" enthuses Les. "Well it has potential," says Charlie. "You could do it up!" When Janice sees the heap of rusting rubbish, she tells Les immediately that it has to go.

Over on the other side of the Street, a taxi pulls up and Orangina steps out. Des sees her arrive and follows her into Curly's house, ignoring Les's "How do you like me new des res" as he passes. Inside, Des confronts Orangina with the fact that she was seen in the jeans shop and clearly did not go through with the abortion. Orangina says that Judeh was obviously mistaken, and that the abortion took place as planned. Des puts it to her that she's lying; that she couldn't go through with it and is thus still pregnant. Orangina changes tack and tells Des that she was never pregnant in the first place, and that she only pretended in order to hurt him. "I wanted you to think I was," she snarls, "because I was sick of you and bloody Natalie!" Des accuses her of being mad, evil, 'off the radar' even.

And then he leaves, his eyes brimming with tears, to return to his own house.

And that is where we leave too.....

See you again next time! And sorry again for the delay!

Friday 5 June

Well, the danger of being late doing the updates, is that when you start to catch up, the gap narrows and not a lot happens during that time. We are in one of those situations right now. After me falling asleep on the train last week, you will recall I was in the doghouse somewhat as far as my wife was concerned - well, fortunately, the atmosphere cleared pretty quickly, although it wasnít until Saturday that we managed to have a good talk. When you are changing direction, as I am in my quest for the "lost Alan", communication is vital, as is a good sense of humour - heaven knows, Trude needs that to cope with me! Anyway, things is OK

One of the things which did happen was that on Sunday night, I got Trude onto the coro_street channel on IRC. We had a good bunch of regulars on the channel, including Perfidia, Jacqueline, Rbaz, Greggy, Rbaz, The_Rattler and MSAlfa. My pals wanted to meet her and I believe it was a very useful session to get across to her the friendliness of the group. She had a superb welcome and I was very touched and heartened by the love which came across - thanks gang! Although it was a bit of a rowdy affair with a number of cross conversations going on, it broke the ice and I'll certainly be taking up the kind offers to have, maybe one-to-one sessions with Trude or perhaps sessions on a private channel, where the cross traffic can be minimised. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate those of you who took the time and trouble to make her so welcome.

Talking of Trude, one of the things which has come across on the newsgroup is the fact that kids have such a great sense of humour and, as a schoolteacher, she is well placed to pick up some classic quotes. Josef asked on IRC whether these bon-mots were for real... yep is the answer, they most certainly are! There is no way you could possibly make up some of the things that kids says - so Trude's spot every week from now on, will have a nugget or two from her collection of gems.

The first three, I am repeating from my postings on the newsgroup, for the benefit of readers who donít take the news.

1. Our favourite was about 20 years ago, when she was teaching a remedial class... basically these kids had learning difficulties, social problems, or maybe were foreign language kids from the Indian sub-continent where English was probably not spoken at home.

Anyway, she was asking them what they'd seen on TV and one of them told her he'd seen a programme on the planets. Well, concepts like this were usually obviously something else to these kids, so she thought "I'll go for it" and asks whether they can name any planets.

A whole sea of hands rises as the volunteer their suggestions... Mars, Venus, Saturn...... then one kid says "Pluto" .. "Great", says Trude "that planet is the furthest away in our planetary sytem" ...

Suddenly the lad next to him puts his hand up.. Trude reckoned it was like a light bulb coming on... ping! - this kid volunteers his suggestion "Donald Duck"! whereupon she nearly needed to go for a change of knickers... the whole class fell about, but this kid was totally oblivious.... poor thing...

2. A lad comes in after having a day off to attend grand-dad's funeral..

Q. Where did you get to yesterday, Johnny?

A. They burnt me grandad!!

3. A great way of being nosey about the kids and what happens at home is to ask them what happened at the weekend...

Johnny.... My dad was in bed all weekend

Trudy.. oh, I'm sorry to hear that... is he ill?

Johnny... no! bone idle!!

(Can't you just hear the mother??)

As I said, ..... out of the mouths of babes... More next week

In the meantime, its onto the update...

Sunday 7 June

Ahoy shipmates ! Back for another trip round the bay on the good ship Corry.

As we are getting stuck in a bit of jam of updates, I am rattling this one out somewhat hastily. It's not been long since the previous one, and as a result nothing particularly exciting has been happening in the real world. (Also known as the alternative reality.)

I did attend a funeral last week, of a friend and ex-colleague who died of liver and kidney failure at 33. This was the first funeral I had attended for anyone who wasn't at least 75 when they departed. As a result, there were a lot more people at the service of my age or thereabouts (that's sort of 21 and a bit, for the curious) and it was a sobering experience to see older relatives paying their respects to someone who was really only just getting into his stride. His father stood and talked to us all quite brilliantly for about 10 minutes, reminiscing about things that had been said by his son, and about him, from childhood to adulthood, in health and latterly in sickness. Perhaps the fact that his son had been ill for nearly five years had helped to prepare him for the end, certainly I found it difficult to imagine how any parent could remain together, even humorous, on such an occasion. The service began and ended with the original theme to "Star Trek" - something for us all to smile about, however briefly. Just to bring things back on-topic, as it were, Mark was a Corry fan too. So long, mate.

Speaking of which...

Act 1
Natalie and Alec rush into a hospital casualty area, and Natalie interrupts the admissions clerk, who is busy "processing" another patient, demanding to know what has happened to Tony, is he still on life support, for God's sake never mind this sprained ankle in front, where is my son ?? The man behind the desk looks confused as he determines that no-one of that name has been admitted, and in fact they have seen no road traffic accidents at all that day. Now it is Natalie's turn to look confused. The clerk [this sounds demeaning doesn't it, someone help me out...] goes off to find someone to check other hospitals in the Leeds area.

Meanwhile, no-one's friend, Samantha, is carrying a pet box into Curly's house. It doesn't appear to be empty... Then again, it's on the small side for a tiger !

Leanne is relaxing in the conservatory, listening to the Spice Girls on her Walkman. She is startled as a face appears at the window and bellows a greeting. As Nick rushes to the rescue, we see it is only Fred, come to plant out some bedding plants in the garden. [Someone less like Darren Essex, it is hard to imagine.] Nick comforts her, but not enough to stop Leanne ending up in tears, still terrified at the thought of Darren returning.

A hospital administrator assures Natalie that no hospital in the area has any record of Tony as a patient. Natalie still cannot understand what is going on, but wisely decides to try phoning her son. He is at home, and clearly hasn't been in any accident at all.

Our first visit to the Rovers finds Kevin and Sally getting no news on the Tony crisis, and Sally chats with Janice while Kevin gets the drinks in [I'm glad it's not just me - Mrs L is always first to the seats and last to the bar too !]. Greg arrives and tries to apologise to Janice for the troubles between her and Les. Janice firmly believes it's all Les' fault anyway. She leaves Greg talking to Sally, and in no time at all we can sense an increased rush of hormones in both parties. Kevin interrupts the cosy two-some and suggests to Sally that they should buy out Natalie's share of the garage with Sally's mum's money. Sally goes somewhat ape at the idea. [I lost the plot a little bit here, not really sure why she was like this.]

Nick is still trying to calm Leanne down. They agree that the only sensible thing to do is to go to the police and tell them what has happened. [Well you see, I thought it'd be a good idea to write to this convicted murderer and tell him how much I admired him, dropped in a saucy photo or two, can't think why he was so funny about it...]

Back at the hospital, Natalie and Alec are just leaving. She asks him to give her a lift to Tony's house. She is convinced that the whole episode is a deliberate hoax, and that she has a good idea who knows more than they are letting on.

Intermission
Surprise, surprise, BT are running an ad on nuisance calls ! Obviously a bit of inside knowledge changed hands there. [I've never had call to pursue anything like this myself, although I was once woken up at about 4 in the morning by some hysterical nutter woman telling me that if I did "something" again, she was going to sort out me out "and no mistake". I had to get the phone down quick before Mrs L surfaced ! Oh, and one night we got about 8 calls in succession from a fax machine - I did call the operator about this one to be told they couldn't help. This was only about 2 weeks before the start of the 1471 service where *I* could try to determine the caller's number, couldn't help me my arse !!]

The ads were all pretty crap as usual. I suspect this is probably one of the most expensive slots for advertisers - what does it mean when they're generally so awful to watch, but have the largest budgets ?

Act 2
It is clearly the next day. Chez Webster, Kevin is chewing Rowsie out for breaking her roller skates. The girls are despatched to the front room in traditional style while Kevin asks Sally to take them swimming as he has lots of paperwork to do before he approaches the bank manager for a loan. Sally relents and offers her mum's money after all. Kevin is pleased, although Sally appears somewhat less enthusiastic.

Outside, Sally bumps into Janice, who asks her for a lift to the supermarket seeing as Les can't driver her himself. We are treated to a glimpse of Squire Battersby's new mobile abode, parked right outside his house and getting tattier by the minute. It is more of an eyesore than the Mallett's stone cladding !

Alec visits Samantha at Curly's house. [We learn that Curly is currently away on a course - in real life, Kevin Kennedy fainted in the street in some recent rare sunshine and had a nasty head injury.] Sam apologises for still being in her nightwear [unfortunately for us it is full head-to-toe stuff and nothing like what she was wearing in FHM !]. She enquires after Tony and Alec tells her of the hoax call. Asked if she recognised the "voice", all she can remember is that it was female. Alec's mobile rings, so he adjourns to the kitchen as the doorbell rings again - this time it is Natalie. Let hostilities commence !!

At the police station, Leanne and Nick are explaining to a CID officer how Darren forced his way into their home and threatened Leanne. The story is a little riddled with holes, which Nick does his best to fill in as the policeman asks why they waited so long before coming to see him. He pointedly wonders if there is something they are not telling him about, and in a rare flash of inspiration, Nick convinces him that they are trying to protect Gail, who knows nothing of Darren's release. "But surely if she had known that he'd go straight back to prison...". It is explained to the hapless pair that Darren has only been released "on licence". At the first hint of trouble, he will be straight back inside. The police will start looking for him immediately. Nick is pleased.

Tempers flare at Curly's house as Natalie accuses Samantha of having faked everything. As Samantha continues to press her innocence, Natalie suggests she "stop acting, you stupid cow". [Yesss !] Alec appears from the kitchen, and the Orange one pretends to cry on his shoulder, claiming that she doesn't know why Natalie is being so nasty to her. Natalie leaves, but not before leaving Sam with a stinging rebuke. [See below.]

Inside his bijou residence, Les is cooking breakfast to the strains of Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". He is not having much luck as he knocks the frying pan onto the floor. Janice appears outside and he greets her cheerily, suggesting that he is having a great time on his own. Leanne and Nick walk by, telling Janice that "not much is happening" at the moment. Janice invites them over any time, as it is "nice an' quiet" inside. [Sans Les !]

Z's all round as Greg and Maxine chat in the pub. He is about to disappear for a fortnight, which is a shame, says Maxine, as Fiona's flat is empty at the moment. [Perhaps not quite as empty as the Muppet's head, mind you.] Greg tells Max that she must think about getting her own place. In the background, Les is telling anyone who will listen that he is the luckiest man alive - his own place, and no wife around to nag him all the time.

Natalie arrives, wanting a word with Alec and Betty. She tells them of her belief that Samantha was behind the hoax call. They are not convinced, but Natalie says she will not work with the psycho any more. As Alec blusters, she quits there and then, and leaves.

Greg arrives at the salon, booze in hand. He has decided to take up Maxine's offer for the night. Fortunately, we are only witness to a smooch at the door...

Natalie is back home, looking for Tiger [that's her cat, just in case it had slipped by unnoticed]. She tries to call Des, but only gets his answer phone. Tiger still doesn't appear, and Natalie breaks down, alone with the troubles.

In a final scene in the Rovers, Samantha continues to persuade Betty of her innocence, and reveals that she now recognises the voice of the cruel hoaxer. "It was her", she says, looking at [dramatic pause] Sally !!

This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.

This update seems short this week, and looking at my notes I see that I have little more than half the usual volume of scribblings. A rather mundane episode only enlivened by Denise Welch, whose playing of the victimised Natalie gets better and better.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **

Best line: Natalie leaves Samantha with the observation that she "could slap your face, you smarmy little bitch !". Go, Nat, go...

Best scene: Natalie letting rip at Samantha. This is immediately followed by the worst scene, as Orange Girl pretends to be hurt by her remarks.

It's straight back to the video for me to get next Sunday's update done before we fall as far behind as the Canadians !!

Byeee.

John Laird

Monday 8 June

It's breakfast at the Webster's, and the gurrrllllls are fighting at the table. Kevin, naturally, gets snappy with them and sends them upstairs. He remarks to Sally that he doesn't know what's got into them. Sally reminds him that they've just lost their Grandma. Kevin goes all thoughtful, and realises that he hasn't considered it from their position - 'I remember how upset they were when their hamster died. D'you think we should get 'em a goldfish or something?' This lack of compassion is incomprehensible to Sally. He goes on to rush her into getting the house on the market, but Sally wants to stall it, she can't envisage anybody else living there - 'I'm still grieving, Kevin'.

Alec and Betty are putting the World to rights over a cup of tea. Alec is moaning that it is inconsiderate of Jack & Vera to go off on holiday to North Wales, after all, they've only just got back from Las Vegas (but that was before your last holiday, to Switzerland, wasn't it, Alec?). They discuss Natalie giving in her notice, and Alec muses over how Natalie is everything one could wish for in a barmaid - a natural, looks, empathy, efficiency. Realising he's digging himself deeper into a hole he explains that Natalie reaches the high standards that have already been set by Betty. They comment on how Natalie has no proof that the hoax hospital call was Sam, and Betty reluctantly (at first) divulges how Sam now thinks she recognised the voice as Sally Webster's. Alec realises that it is possible, it would make sense for Sally to be vindictive. Then his face brightens as he realises that if it was Sally not Natalie, then Natalie can come back to work!

Gareh comes down to breakfast to find RJudeh has morning sickness, and is right off her breakfast. They joke how he ought to try getting pregnant, but R Gareh politely declines, saying that he'll stay faithful to her. RJudeh is thinking of Zoe - she went through all this and then lost RShannon Jade. There's a knock at the door, it's Les, come to beg the use of their bathroom. Seeing RJudeh's uneaten cooky brekky he sits down and finishes it off!

Alec has called on Sam at Curly's, supposedly not to defend Natalie, but his conversation is interrupted by his sneezing - could he be allergic to the cat of whose presence he is unaware?

Les has performed his ablutions, and comments that it's good to know who his mates are, in his time of need. He reminds them that they have a spare room, but his hopes are dashed when RJudeh explains that that room will be for the Babeh. 'Yes, of course.' he says, sadly, 'I used to have a family'.

Studley 2 and Maxime descend the stairs from the flat above the salon. 'How was it for you, last night?' she asks. 'Yeah, fine' replies Studley. What could they be talking about? She pointedly reminds him that a bit of osculation is in order before he leaves, but they are stopped in mid-snog by the arrival of RAudreh 'Don't mind me, finish yer breakfast'. Maxime tells her that Greg is 'serious'. Not how it looks to us, eh readers?

Natalie enters the Rovers, come to collect her outstanding wages. Betty suggests that the whole episode might be a misunderstanding - what if she were to find out that it was someone else who called? Sam, lugging crates in, overhears this, and stops Betty repeating the confidence. Alec calls from the back, so Betty goes off leaving Sam to tell Natalie that the voice she heard was Sally.

At Underworld, the girls are practising their line dancing skills, accompanied by 'The Woolpackers' from Emmerdale. Mike's away so they're playing - Janice has it all sussed, Greg's away as well. Sally asks how long he's away for, and RJanice wonders why she's so interested in him? Janice warns her to keep away because Greg has Battersby blood, and all that entails.... Janice isn't missing Les, and reckons he's having a great time in the camper van. But she won't have him back, and just to be sure she's changed the locks.

Les is trying to tune the reception on his portable TV - best reception is gained when he wedges his aerial behind the fall pipe of his former home. Unfortunately several feet of co-axial cable are then at waist height between camper and house. Farce alert: cue in-line skater haring down the street. Les has just settled to watch Children's TV when the cable is ripped from the aerial by the passing skater.

Natalie calls on Kevin, to find out whether Sally is mentally stable, and whether she still bears a grudge. Kevin tries to support Sally in her grief over her Mother by telling Natalie that 'if you were on fire she wouldn't..... she wouldn't go out of her way to put you out. Does that help?' 'Yeah, thanks' says Natalie, turning to go.

END OF PART ONE

Maxime is drinking alone at the bar, but is about to leave. Ashley bursts in, needing a chat with her. He tells her that he's bringing Zoe back tomorrow, and wants to clear the air with Fiona first. Maxime warns him not to expect a welcoming committee.

As she leaves, Les arrives, furtively carrying a green bag. Betty has him sussed - she can see that he's going into the Gents to wash his smalls, and she won't permit it as the facilities are for paying customers. 'Have a heart, Betty' pleads our Hero, 'Hoppit' says the Weatherfield Witch.

Sam is playing the victim, she doesn't feel well. Betty encourages her to go home, because it takes more than five minutes to get over a miscarriage. Sam obviously has got over the miscarriage that never was, because now she's blaming her condition on' all this business, with Natalie, and Sally. And she hasn't slept!. All together now, Aaaaahh. Betty sends her away to get her head down.

Ashley returns to the shop to some sarcasm about his timekeeping from Uncle Fred. Ashley explains that he's been to see Fiona to explain that Zoe is coming home tomorrow. Fred is horrified that Zoe is coming home: 'I'm all in favour of Care in the Community, our Ashley, as long as they keep 'em in hospital, where they belong, out of harm's way.' Maud tells Ashley to take no notice of Fred, but to be aware that getting back with Zoe might be difficult as 'folk with kiddies will steer well clear of her. You mark my words'. Ashley hadn't thought of that.

Sally and the gurrrrllls are walking home. Rosie is asking to have packed lunches for school because all her friends do. Sally rejects this because she wants her gurrrrllls to have proper meals. Baked beans and spaghetti 'oops presumably. Natalie catches them at the door, and asks if she can have an important word. Sally tells her to forget the idea of her buying Natalie's share of the garage - she's just buried her Mother and would she really want her Mother's money going to her husband's ex-mistress? 'Think again, Natalie'. Natalie doesn't even get to raise the subject of the hoax phone call.

RJanice finds RToyah looking through her purse, because she needs a tenner for a school trip. She's three weeks late, and she doesn't want to be the only one not going. RJanice doesn't have a tenner, and rejects RToyah's suggestion that she should get it from Les. 'I'll be the only one not going. I'm a deprived child'. 'Yeah,' replies Janice, 'well, I'm a single parent.'

Ashley is cleaning up at the House of Elliot, preparatory to Zoe's return. Leanne is pleased she's coming home. He tells her and Nick that he hopes they've sorted out the Darren Whately business with the Police because he doesn't want Zoe being scared the way Leanne was.

Natalie arrives at Des's. Does anyone else in the World have plain glass in their front door like Des does? 'Natalie.... What's going on?' he asks, as she enters without a word. Once he pours the white wine she starts to describe the last 24 hours, and how it seems now that it was Sally who made the hoax call, not Sam who made it up.

Les has still got his bag of smalls, and sits down with Gareh and Judeh. 'Any chance of a bath, tonight? he asks, to a chorus of 'No'. Judeh wonders what the unsavoury odour is, which Les soon explains is from his smalls (adding that the ones he's wearing are a bit beyond their sell by date) 'Haven't you heard about laundrettes?' asks Gareh. But Les has seen how much they charge, and it's only a few things. Judeh wins the race with Gareh to get away to the bar, and Les comments 'y'know, it's hard bein' a piranha. One o' them social outcasts.......You can't sub us a pint until payday can you?'

Maxime tells RJudeh that Zoe is back tomorrow. Maxime is surprised when Judeh is pleased, and will welcome Zoe back. 'She needs support, Maxine' - 'Yeah, well she needn't look in my direction'

Des can't believe that Sally Webster was involved, but Natalie recounts how Sally looked at her with hate in her eyes - and remembers what Sally did to her bathroom last year. But the biggest upset in her life is that Tiger has gone missing. Des comforts her.

At the Webster's, Sally is with the gurrrlls. And guess what? A nanosecond into the scene and she's sending them upstairs: 'up you go - and no more sulking'. What is the point of having them in a scene if they're just going to be sent upstairs? Kevin comes home and Sally demands that he explains what he's been saying to Natalie. He denies any scheming with Natalie, and tells Sally that she is 'round the twist. Stark staring bonkers' to even think it.

Orangina is enjoying a cuppa in the back parlour at the Rovers. Alec happens by, and checks on her health after the earlier 'incident'. He asks how she is with Natalie, and learns that everything is OK, everything is fine. 'Good, good,' he mutters as he takes his leave, but Sam smiles the knowing smile of the psychobitch from hell who has more trumps to play......

Episode written by Peter Mills.

Wednesday 10 June

Dear Update Readers,

Here is the update - late I'm afraid - for Wednesday June 10th. No prologue, no 'As I See It', in fact virtually no superfluous commentary at all.

Sally and Kevin are still bickering over the issue of her mother's money and his intention to buy Natalie's shares in the garage. Sally wants to get Natalie out of their lives and so does Kev, who says that the only way to do this is by using Sal's inheritance to buy Natalie out. Sally, however, is not so sure of Kevin's motives.

Ashley, meanwhile, is preparing for Zoe's return to Coronation Street after a spell in psychiatric care. His enthusiasm is rewarded by Maud, who presents him with a bunch of flowers for Zoe, and matched by Judeh, who is keen to welcome Zoe back into the fold.

Les is still ensconced in his decrepit camper van, and still trying to assure Janice that he is having the time of his life. "It's like being on me holidays every day!" he enthuses. Nevertheless, he still freeloads off all and sundry, using Gareh and Judeh's loo and generally making a nuisance of himself. This is eventually too much for Gareh, who gives Les his loo-paper back and tells him to make alternative arrangements. Janice agrees with Gareh, although she is not best pleased when Les gloats that living in the camper van makes him feel like a single man again. "It's like being on me holidays every day!" he tells her. But she is unimpressed.

Zoe finally emerges from the loonybin and comes back to CS, which is only marginally less stressful. Ashley is, of course, over the moon to see her, as is Leanne, who welcomes her with a big hug. Ashley tells Zoe that she should relax and put her feet up, but Zoe has a mission to accomplish. That mission is to tell Judeh that she knows all about her (i.e Judeh) and Paul Fisher, and that although she knows, she won't breath a word. Judeh tries to deny it all at first, but eventually has no option but to admit that she slept with him for the money. Judeh rips into Zoe, accusing her of possibly angling for another pay-off in return for not telling Gareh.

Natalie finally confronts Sally and accuses her of making the hoax phone call to the Rovers. Sally is absolutely gobsmacked that Natalie might think such a thing possible of her, but Natalie reminds her of the damage that Sally caused to her (i.e. Natalie's) house, thus proving that anything is possible. Natalie threatens Sally with a solicitor - a move which Kevin later counters by saying that if Natalie doesn't refrain from such accusations, he too will consult a solicitor. (I think he said this just to shut Sally up, given that he was trying to watch the Scotland match at the time).

And finally, just as she is preparing to go out for a night on the town with Tilly, Ashley and Zoe, Leanne receives a phone call. From Darren Whateley. And he's not phoning just to ask her health, that's for sure.

That's all, folks.

Friday 12 June

We're way behind with the updates, so no prologue this week, its straight into the update, sponsored by Cadbury's Milk Tray ....

The episode commences at the Websters' where Kevin is asking Sally whether she has made the appointment to see the solicitor in connection with her inheritance. She tells him that is going see him today and she might even get him to write Natalie a letter - a solicitors' letter telling Natalie to stop slandering Sally . Kevin, obviously, doesn't think this is a good idea, he feels it is best to ignore her and the sooner they are able to buy her out, the sooner she'll be out of their lives for good. Sally still finds it difficult to believe that Samantha said it was Sally's voice in the phone call (in the mischievous message for Natalie) and she decides to see Samantha to find out exactly what she said, if anything at all.

We are back out in the street and Janice is banging on the door of the Battersby Mobile Residence. She rouses Les from his slumbers to bring him a present, the post - what goodies are there? Well, there's the council tax bill and the electricity bill - in Les' view, it's a clearly a case of "out of sight, out of mind" as he explains to her that he doesn't pay those bills anymore because he doesn't live in the house and hands the bills back to her. He is prepared to meet all his obligations, "financially and otherwise", if she would be prepared to have him back. "Get stuffed!" is her riposte!!

Tilly and Leanne are talking. Clearly, she is upset at Whateley being imprisoned following his visit to her and the subsequent complaint by Tilly and Leanne to the police. "What are you so miserable for? He's a murderer, he belongs in prison" is Tilly's comment. Leanne sees it otherwise as the man has served his time, he had paid for what he did,. She feels guilty that they invited him round and set him up and points out that he never attacked her anyway. But Tilly is obsessed and feels that the man deserves everything he gets. Leanne is surprised that he was re-imprisoned, she was only expecting him to get a warning, but Tilly doesn't fell he should have been let out of the prison in the first place. He suggests that they forget about it, but Leanne has a conscience and berates him for being happy to forget about it, now that he has got what he wants .. she tells him that she feels awful about it and doesn't want to forget about it.... one of life's meetings of the minds, not!!

Toyah opens the door to find Les outside. He wants to be let in "just for five minutes" even though she has told him that her mum will not allow her to let Les into the house. He tells her that she will never know as he will be long gone before she comes back, he wants to sit in a proper chair, he's homesick.

Sally has popped round to see Samantha. She tells her that she is embarrassed at being there - she asks Sam whether it is correct that Natalie had accused Sam of making the hoax phone call. Sam confirms this and adds that she informed Nat that she had nothing to do with it. Sally tells Sam that now, Nat is accusing her of being the culprit.. Sam feigns surprise, as our Sal says "what's more, she said, you put the idea in her head. Sam tells her that this is ridiculous and that all she had said to Nat was that the voice had sounded like a woman's - she says that she knows there is no way Sally could be capable of doing a thing like that, but Sally points out that Nat clearly feels that she could and is going round telling everybody just that. Having successfully managed to convince Sally, Sam unites the two women in their hatred for all things Nastily!

Les has wheedled his way into the house, resplendent in his vest and is telling Toyah that they become claustrophobic after a while - he has sunk into his armchair and is loving every minute of it and tells her that he has really missed his chair, "it's like an old friend", he enthuses. Toyah is anxious for him to depart after he drinks his cuppa, but he has his eyes set on a kip - she tells him that she is not leaving him there on his own. He asks whether she will cook him some food - an egg sandwich as all he's had to eat all week has been cold beans out of a tin. He explains to her that, yes, there is a cooker, but it needs gas. Toyah tells him that he's a mess and he agrees and that he has tried making it up with Janice, but she doesn't want to know. He tries to enlist Toyah's sympathy saying that it's always the kids who suffer, Toyah denies any hardship. He asks to hold Toyah's hand, saying that it won't be long before they are a family again... Then, just as we're settling into a soppy mood, he leaps up and says that it's no use being miserable, he's going upstairs to have a bath. Poor Toyah is flummoxed and doesn't know how to stop him, as he places his breakfast order for two fried eggs and a sausage, before leaping upstairs.

Zoe is doing her "Cleaning Windows" routine out in the street as Gary wanders past - he jokingly tells her that she needs to put some elbow grease into the job, but she replies that she hates cleaning windows. Ashley keeps giving her chores to do, she has to keep busy, she explains. Gary suggests, tongue in cheek, that she might fancy doing his when she has done her, but she tells him, he'll be lucky - she's going down to the job centre later to see if they have any proper jobs. He comments that she is looking well and that it is good to see her smiling again - he hopes that things go well for her in the future. He takes the opportunity ask her what she discussed with Judy, the other day when she came over. She tells him that she went round to apologise and that she hoped they could put the past behind her. When asked why, Gary replies that she was a bit edgy last night, but Zoe tries to reassure him by saying that Judy is bound to be wary of him. Across the road, Judy sees Gary talking to Zoe and puts two and two together - she concludes that they must be discussing her secret.

At the Rovers, Audrey is telling Fred Elliott that Alf is packing in his council duties, that he resigned last week, after much huffing and puffing. "He practically lived down that town hall" is Fred's surprised response. Audrey continues to explain that Alf thought it was time to step aside for the younger generation. Fred announces the surprise decision to Alec and then asks who is going to steer the Millennium Committee and Audrey tells him that Alf has been asked to asked to take a back seat on that. "Give over! He's Mr Millennium" is Fred's compliment. Audrey tells him that was in the past tense, "Was Mr Millennium, now he's Mr Parks and Cemetaries!" Fred surmises that there is more to this than meets the eye, but Audrey is quick to put him right that there is nothing scandalous. "I mean dirty tricks! Skullduggery!" corrects Fred and Audrey admits that Alf "did feel he was being put out to graze, cast aside to make for the young guns, as Alf calls them." "Since when has Weatherfield Council had young guns?" asks Fred, as Audrey tells him that, according to Alfie, the place is teeming with them, "young men in designer suits, with their mobile phones". When Fred remonstrates that they are no match for a man of Alf's experience, Audrey does inform him that "they are capable of staying awake during the meetings!"

Samantha is telling Natalie to stop apologising and Natalie tells her that this is very decent of her. Nat then tells Sam that, to cap it all, her pussy, Tiger, has gone missing and that she hasn't seen him for days. When Sam tries to explain it away by saying that cats often go wandering, but Nat says that Tiger never has done so before. Sam asks whether she has told the neighbours and Nat says that she's even put photographs of her pussy on the lamp-posts. Sam says, not to worry and that he will turn up. Alec sees the girls talking, asks if they have made up and when they confirm this, he asks whether Nat will want to come back to work... Sam gives her approval and we're in business. They finish their conversation by discussing how nasty Sally must have been to make the hoax phone call, and Nat says that what is obviously bugging Sally is the prospect of handing over money to her... she explains the Kevin wishes to buy her share of the garage, now they can, but they have to use the money Sally inherited from her mother. Nat isn't bothered where the money is coming from, "but to a warped mind like hers, I'm twisting the knife .. first I stole her husband and now I want her money!"

Spider is at the bar ordering a drink and overhears Fred discussing Alf's virtues as a councillor, with Alec and Audrey, how he has done everyone proud, how he was a good faithful public servant, how he stood up for what he believed in, he had a caring side to him, how they doubt whether any of these whippersnappers will take his place, how they haven't got the experience or the political nouse and they know nowt about life. "My money is on Tambo Mbeki" pipes up Spider, "to take over the leadership of the ANC, when Nelson Mandela retires.... That is who we're talking about???" Alec goes into a purple rage at this "Nelson Mandela?? We're talking about Alf Roberts resigning from the council!" "Is he?? .. ah well, good riddance! He was crap!" replies Spider. Audrey is indignant at this slur against her hubbie, as Spider continues "He wants to be on trial for crimes against the environment!" "He's a manner of honour and integrity" replies Fred. Spider challenges this by saying that Alf wanted to knock down a Roman Bath House to build a Bandstand. When Fred tries to point out that nobody knew about this when the plans were drawn up, Spider counters by saying that Alf knew about the trees and the holy groundwork. Fred continues to defend Alf, saying that he was trying to bring jobs to Weatherfield, to provide a focal point for the Millennium, but this incenses Spider even more and he accuses of Alf probably being on back-hander from the property developer! He accuses public figures of all being the same with their snouts in the trough. When Fred tries to stop the slander, Spider accuses him of being on the receiving end as well, whereupon Fred threatens to box his ears. "Ah, clearly I've touched a raw nerve" concludes Spider.

Judy rushes over to Zoe's to find out what she was discussing with Gary. Zoe tells her that Gary wanted to know why she had been round to see Judy. She denies that she told Gary anything about the baby and says that Gary was worried if she had upset her. Judy tells her that she hadn't slept a wink last night, but Zoe insists that the only reason she said anything was that she felt so awful about what driven Judy to her infidelity. She adds that she now wishes she'd kept her mouth shout, but Judy says that it was Paul Fisher who shouldn't have said anything. Zoe tries to reassure Judy that her secret is safe, but Judy replies that secrets are never safe, they have a nasty habit of coming out when you least expect them. Zoe promises she will never tells anyone, but Judy is not convinced - she asks "Can you promise me and you are never gonna fall out? Can you promise me that you're never gonna get ill or get drunk and let it slip to one of your mates or let is slip to Gary?" "Well if you don't trust me" replies Zoe, to which Judy retorts "Zoe, you're the last person in the world that I trust!" She realises her comment has caused offence and recognises that Zoe has been through a lot, but her marriage is stake here, there is always the chance that it might come out and that she cannot take that risk. The is only one thing she can do...

Samantha has called round to see Sally, who is just on her way out to the shops. She asks Sally whether there this something going on regarding business between Sally and Natalie. Sally confirms that they are buying out Natalie's share of the business, using the money her mother left her in her will. Sam dishes the poison out by saying that if she were her, then she'd be very careful about handing any money over to Natalie. She makes out she's reluctant to say more and Sally takes the bait... she persuades Samantha to tell all. She says she overheard Natalie on the phone the other day, plotting with Kevin, for the two of them to run away together....

... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

Part 2
Sally is gobsmacked - she cannot believe what she is hearing but Samantha, ever the good friend, has felt it her duty to let her know.....

At the Battersbys, Janice is on her way back home.. Toyah sneaks Les out through the back door. Janice smells a rat pretty quickly in form of Les' talc.. then she sees the remnants of the food Les has been eating... Toyah denies that Les was ever there but Janice has got her sussed, "partial to a bit of bacon, all of a sudden are you?" she asks, "been smoking fags and all have you?" Toyah confesses that she felt sorry for Les and explains that he had a bath and some breakfast. She is so irritated at the thought of Les making a fool out of her that she decides to take revenge by phoning the police "there is no way that that piece of junk out there is legal", she says, referring to Les' campervan.

Sally is recounting Samantha's tale to Rita. The Big Red One is not convinced, but Sally maintains that she had to drag the information out of her, she felt sorry for her. Sally confesses that she has had doubts about Kevin for a long time and that they have been at each others' throats half the time. She recalls how Kevin was so keen to get his hands on her mother's money, now she knows why. Rita is not convinced that Kevin would up roots totally, but Sally is convinced. Rita advises that she needs to confront Kevin, but Sally thinks this is pointless.... so Kevin can lie to her, he could look her straight in the eye, accuse her for being paranoid.... no, this time she is not going to give him the chance ...

At the Malletts, Judy confronts Gary with the news that there is something she has to tell him.. he is relieved because of the way she has been mooching around. She has a confession to make and she tells him that he is really going to be angry when she tells him..... there was a catch to the offer of money from Paul Fisher...

Back at the Rovers, Fred espies Spider.. "eh up, he's back again, Stig of the Dump!" Cue for change of underpants at the Milewczyk household as we all rotfloao (roll on the floor laughing our asses off!).... Gawd, Fred is a Star!!!!!!! He tackles Spider for an apology but initially, Spider is unrepentant ... realising he's caused offence, Spider apologies if he has upset Audrey personally, but clarifies that it is time somebody spoke out against the idiocy and short-sightedness of the council's policies on the environment. Audrey gets in a cheap jibe about it being time for Spider to have a bath, but our eco-warrior is in overdrive.... Fred gets worked up and tells Spider that if he feels so strongly about it, why doesn't he stand for the council himself... convinced that Spider has no intention of doing so, he doesn't hear Spider saying that he might consider doing just that.... The penny suddenly drops as Spider announces that he will stand as the Independent Green candidate in the forthcoming by-election.. "anyone can stand as this is a democracy, actually I think this is a self-perpetuating oligarchy, but that's something I'll be seeking to change.. eventually." When Fred points out it was only earlier this morning that Spider was criticising the council saying it was rotten, Spider counters that the way to change it is from the inside. Fred cannot believe he is serious, but Spider admits that he has been in the library all afternoon drawing up a manifesto and policies... if he's elected he'll ban all unnecessary car use and declare Weatherfield a meat-free zone.... One of the priceless moments of the show is the look on Fred's face.... And the slogan "Spider Nugent, the local man with the global view...."

Gary has been told the sorry tale of how Judy slept with Paul Fisher for the money.. when Judy says she did it for them, Gary is upset.. she continues to say that he took advantage of her and that she was desperate for the money, she thought they were going to lose Katie.. Gary finds it all very difficult to take in, as Judy is desperate to salvage her marriage .. she wasn't thinking straight, she is so sorry, she shouldn't have done it, she has regretted it ever since, she hated every minute of it, she is disgusted with herself, even he regretted it afterwards.... Gary is not impressed "and that's supposed to make me feel better is it? You slept with Paul Fisher... " He gets up and Judy gets hold of him but he wants nothing further to do with her and tells her that they are finished... he walks out of the house, leaving Judy looking distraught....

Audrey thinks Spider has a cheek standing for the council, but Fred is not convinced he will stand and even of he does, nobody will vote for him. Audrey that somebody will stand against him, somebody sensible?? "Who?" says Fred "folk round here are very apathetic!" and when Audrey suggests him, his reply is "Me? I'm the most apathetic of the lot!" Audrey tires to convince him that if Spider were to be elected then that would cast a slur on Alf, but Fred sees that as "the rough and tumble of local politics. Besides, I've two shops to run!" Audrey is desperate to enlist a volunteer - Alec Gilroy is next in line, but he turns down the offer saying that he is not a political animal. Realising no-one else will stand, Audrey announces that SHE will stand to a disbelieving chorus of "You????" from everyone with a hundred mile radius of the Rovers.... She reminds them it is a democracy and says that if folks are daft enough to vote for them, then she's sure that she can persuade just one or two of them to vote for her!!! Scene ends with incredulous looks on everyone's face.. it reminds me of the time a former boss of my wife told her "You're not as daft as you look!"

Kevin has come home and sees her packing her bags. When he asks what she is doing, she tells him "I'm packing a bag, what does it look like I'm doing....?" He asks what is going on... she tells him that she has packed a few things and she'll be over for the rest.. she tells him she's going to Rita's .. "the girls are already over there... there's no point pestering us ... we won't come back, my mind's made up." Kevin is totally bewildered.. yes, I know, I hear you say, what's new? But even for Kevin, this is something else.. he asks what is going on.. Sally tells him he knows exactly what is going on and he mustn't insult her by pretending that he doesn't.. she storms out of the house, leaving Kevin looking even more puzzled and bewildered than normal, except for once he has every reason for this......

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Mark Wadlow
Script Copyright Granada Television

Well, how was it for me?

Light comedy provided by the Battersbys, especially Les...

Star quality by Fred Elliott, I say..... that man can do no wrong...

Boredom and tedious storyline by Samantha...

Gary Mercer, absolutely devastated by the news of Judy's infidelity, shows the lad's acting ability, you just cannot help but feel for him....

And that's it for now.. ..so until I see ya next week, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^

Sunday 14 June

I bring you this week's epistle from my sick-bed. Well, to be slightly more accurate I have dragged my backside into work for a couple of hours under the pretext of sorting out a few bits and pieces. But I probably ought to have stayed at home and rendered my brain numb with endless hours of the Teletubbies and Good Morning and pro-am cookery programmes. The troubles is, I have been wheezing and a-coughing since Saturday and it is doing my head in hanging around the house like the spare proverbial. I'd much rather being doing something constructive - this'll do nicely.

I'd like to send out a collective thank-you to all the kind folks on the mailing lists who have at one time or other sent me an e-mail in response to my updates. Be they appreciative, or pointing out mistakes or omissions of one sort or another, or downright "where the hell are all the updates" inquisitive, all are welcome. I hope I have replied, in time, to every one, but in case I have missed *yours*, my sincere apologies. There would have been no offence intended, it probably just got lost in the clutter of my mail system.

Nothing much seems to have been happening lately (well, since the last effort), with perhaps the noticeable exception of the World Cup. Now look, I'm sorry if that just broke some unwritten rule, but I never declared this area a football-free zone, and I'm not going start now. Personally, I hated the game at school, it was reserved for the days when the weather was so crappy that nothing else was on but soccer or rugby. As I was a little on the small side then, and couldn't run fast, I invariably ended up stuck in defence, hanging about getting colder and colder until the time came to attempt a feeble tackle on some incoming mobile mountain, usually ending up sprawling about in the mud. (I think I can *still* recall the stinging pain of a soaking wet leather ball smacking me somewhere on some foolishly exposed flesh.) Anyway, I managed to continue to ignore the daft game until a couple of years ago when my son started to get occasional, free, tickets to local matches through a League/schools initiative. Surprisingly, I found myself rather enjoying the matches - probably easier to do in the lower orders of the League where no-one is poncing about getting paid £300 a minute to sport a sponsors' shirt and a daft haircut. Plus, you get to sit about 20 feet from the touchlines, which is a whole different perspective from the birds eye view from many televised matches. Confessions of a closet football fan.

You will be able to deduce (if you haven't fallen asleep by now) the date today (as I write this) if I tell you that it is crunch time for the brave hearts of the Scotland team tonight, and merely hours after the comedic tragedy of England doing what they do best - snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. How I laughed when the second Romanian goal went in...

And on that cruel note, let's relax and enjoy another half hour or so in the company of the Street regulars.

Act 1
Kevin is attempting to wake the entire Street by banging on Rita's door. She answers it, but is unsympathetic to his pleading to be allowed to see Sally, who is staying there with the girls. [Let's hope Rita is well- stocked with spaghetti hoops !] Apparently, Sally does *not* want to see or speak to Kevin. He asks Rita to pass on the message that he is in the dark about what he is supposed to have done, and she agrees, although it rather looks as if she doesn't believe him either.

Judeh is on the phone (to a friend, a relative, we know not which) trying to track down Gareh. With no luck. Just then, there is a knock at her door, and she puts the phone down quickly to answer it. It's Steve, fresh from another night without sleep by the look of his face, come to see if Gary is coming into work that day, or is he still "in his pit ?". [Echoes of our house here - when the bed is normally occupied, it is "our bed", but when I am still slumbering and the fair Mrs L is up, it transmogrifies into "your pit". Charming !] Judy spins Steve some line about Gary being ill with a stomach bug. She shuts the door after Steve, and starts to cry.

Back at the Websters' house, Sally walks in. Kevin looks pleased as he obviously assumes his visit to Rita's has worked, and asks where the girls are. Sally informs him that they are not coming home, at least not while he's still there. She wants Kevin to move out instead. A row ensues. Sally mentions the solicitor word. And again suggests she knows all about Natalie and Kevin's schemes. Kevin protests that Sally is living in cloud cuckoo land - it is all nonsense. He plays the Samantha card but has failed to notice that Sally is beyond reasonable argument by now. "You're just after me Mum's money !", she yells at him. "It'll get Natalie out of our life - I thought that was what you wanted", Kevin points out. But he may as well be saying nothing at all, as Sally rants on. Finally, she tells him that she has not really been happy since they got back together, and delivers the coup de grace - "We're finished, Kevin".

Les emerges from his pit [rather a flattering term really] to find Toyah sitting on the front doorstep, enjoying the sun. She remarks rather caustically that it is gone 12. Les counters with his "bad back" defence, claiming that the bed in the camper van is too short for him [to get the full 15 hours' sleep, presumably ?]. He asks Toyah if she will pop inside and make him a butty.

Intermission
In no time at all, either. Usual dross, enlivened only by a new Lucozade ad featuring the Fat Slags and some Chippendale-like poseurs. [Mail me if you'd like this explained, I think it might be rather involved for the short space allotted before...

Act 2
In the Rovers, Audrey is talking to Fred and Alec. Alec asks if she is seriously thinking of running for the council, and Fred lays on the flattery in bucketloads. He offers to help - "Owt Alf can't do, I'd be more than willing...". Oo-err, missus, whatever does he mean ?

Kevin arrives, looking for Samantha. She's not at work that day. Des offers to get him a drink, and Kevin initially tries to head off for a quite corner of the bar to be by himself, but Des insists. Kevin tells him that Sally has walked out on him. "It's all a mistake". With no prompting, Des guesses that Samantha was the one behind the rumour about Kevin and Natalie getting back together.

Toyah is still sunning herself on what would be the front porch if this was a posher neighbourhood. Janice appears, and gives Les' van a good kick to show her disdain for its (and his) continued presence outside her house. She starts to think about going to the police to get something done about it...

Greg arrives. We are spared the delightful sight of him and Maxine getting all gooey, as she is not there. Les clocks him, and offers him a drink. But, oh dear, what's this ? "Blimey ! I've left me money in the van", sez Les. Greg pays for Les' drink. Again. [Whyyyy????]

A minor gathering of minor Macdonalds is taking place. Steve thanks his Mum for taking care of Jim [obviously forgetting how he nearly took proper care of Jim himself...] and offers to help out.

Natalie arrives behind the bar with a plate of chicken sandwiches. A nice line ensues as she establishes that they are for Fred and Audrey. See later for details. Having delivered these delights, she is nabbed by Des who tells Kevin to tell Natalie what has happened between him and Sally. Again, unbidden, Natalie surmises that Samantha must have been involved. Slowly, the drip drip of this particular Chinese torture is getting through to Kevin as he realises that Sam is up to something and he is unwittingly involved.

Fiona is taking Morgan for a walk, and bumps into Zoe and Ashley. It looks as if Ashley has tried to stop Zoe from saying anything, but it's no such luck as she blunders in anyway, telling Fiona how sorry she is about having taken the baby, but that she would never have hurt him. Fiona is not in a forgiving mood, as Ashley suspected, and tells Zoe to "stay away".

The doorbell rings at Des' house, and he opens the door to Sally, not sure why she has been asked over, but much less than happy to see Kevin and Natalie there as well. "What's going on ?", she asks, "what are these two doing here". [With best scowl.] Des and Natalie attempt to explain what has been happening, but Sally remains unconvinced. She has another go at Natalie, who remains impressively cool under the onslaught.

Back to the Rovers, where Fred and Audrey seem a little the worse for drink. Spider is at the bar by now, and Fred engages in a little banter with him. Spider in turn has a gentle dig at Audreh, who in some weird manner manages to reply in a distinctly Brummie accent. [In RL, Audrey has a very plummy voice - I expect all working class people sound much the same to her...] Spider tells he that he is standing on important environmental issues, including air quality. "I doubt if you know what that is", he says. Audrey fails to engage brain and replies "I'll have you know, I am a trained hair stylist !". Lovely !!

Toyah advises Les that Janice has indeed gone to the police about his van. She offers to drive it away for him, but it looks as if Les has some other plan afoot...

At the police station, the aforementioned Mrs Battersby is trying to get some action on the topic of Les' abode. It dawns on the police officer that Les may well be driving the van, while banned, and his enthusiasm for this "domestic" increases considerably. Janice realises she might be about to get Les into real trouble and she tries to backpedal.

Des and Kevin go to Curly's house to see Sam. She tries on her innocent look, telling them that, yes she did overhear Kevin and Natalie talking, but only about the garage, and that was all she told Sally. Kevin begs her to explain this minor misunderstanding to Sally, but Samantha refuses. She won't be involved in his problems. Alec arrives [we're not sure why, but it's a convenient plot device for...] and Sam turns all helpless and grabs him for support, telling him these two nasty big boys were telling lies about her, and, no surely not, she thought they might *hit her* ! Alec bundles Kevin and Des out, who have wisely decided that a retreat is in order. Samantha dishes more dirt on Natalie and Des, telling Alec that Des has been telling people that Alec has been harassing Natalie behind the bar. Alec is furious.

Janice and the police office arrive at the corner shop. "That's him ?", says the policeman, pointing at Les. Janice tries another bluff, but it doesn't work. Les is most put out at being accosted in the street by a policeman [after his latest miscarriage of justice, you will recall.] The policeman's thunder is well and truly stolen when we see that Les has removed the van's wheels, and it is propped up on bricks, not being driven anywhere at all. The PC leaves. Les rounds on Janice, telling her this is the worst thing she has ever done. Wonderfully nonplussed, Janice pokes him in the gut and tells him in no uncertain terms to drag his van to the scrap heap, and throw himself after it !! Fred and Audrey throw in a little abuse from the sidelines as well.

Des opens the door to a fuming Alec, who proceeds to tell him that he won't have these stories spread about, "that's slander, that is". It doesn't take Des long to twig what's going on [see, I told you it'd be his turn for the shared brain soon]. He advises Alec that had he really heard about Natalie being harassed, the first thing he would have done would have been to thump the culprit. Alec is deflated. He's been Tango'd !

This episode was written by John Stevenson

If I wasn't feeling like s**t at the moment, I'd probably be trying to work up some invective about the tedious storyline around Samantha and the various victims of her ever more ridiculous lies. But I can't, sorry. It was nice to see Spider back, and Fred Elliott has truly assumed the mantle once belonging to the incomparable Reg Holdsworth, of being someone who can make you laugh with just an expression.

All round, improving. Slowly. [Bear with it, things are looking much better in the next couple of weeks.]

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Best line: Natalie bears the tray of chicken sandwiches to the bar, and checks with Alec that these *are* for Fred. "Yes", he replies, "oh, and he also wants...". "...stuffing !", adds Natalie, "I had noticed !".

Best scene: I'll give the honours to Kevin this week, who put in a good job of looking both bewildered and really worried about why he couldn't persuade Sally that nothing was going on with him and Natalie.

I'll just die quietly here in my corner now. Thanks for listening.

John Laird

Monday 15 June

As the cat curls on the rooftop we cut to Curly's kitchen where Tiger is licking an empty saucer. Sam goes to get his food from the fridge, but there's a knock at the door. It's Des. He wants to talk to her about the lies she told Alec about him and Natalie last night. Sam tries to shut the door in his face as she doesn't want to talk, but his foot stops her. As Des is about to leave, an unexpected unintentional houseguest steps out into the street, miaowing as he does. It is not clear whether Des recognises Tiger, but he picks the cat up, saying 'come to your Uncle Des'. Perhaps he has realised it is Tiger, though he only calls him 'Puss', and has also realised that Sam has held him hostage.

Sally calls at her own house to find Kevin snatching breakfast. She announces that she can't stay at Rita's, and the gurrrls need their own beds; she wants her home back, so she wants Kevin out.

Les emerges from the camper van to greet the dawn. well, dawn plus four. A passing NSE looks at him and his apparel distastefully. Janice comes out of the house and comments about the state of him, how he's a disgrace and is bringing shame on the family. He tells her that his record could have had him staying in the Big House if he hadn't had his wits about him when she brought the Police round. Janice comments that it's a pity that that didn't happen. She goes off to work. In his rage Les kicks the wing, which causes the van to teeter precariously on its pile of bricks.

Kevin is still trying to make Sally believe him that Sam is lying, and that he and Natalie are not planning anything other than the sale of her share of the garage. He explains that Sam's motive is jealousy over Des and Natalie. Sally can't see how this can have any bearing on her and Kevin. Sally reiterates that she'll never live under the same roof as Kevin again, and he repeats that he won't move out of his home because she chooses to believe some malicious gossip instead of him. He goes off to the garage telling her that if she's still there when he gets home, then fine.

A lonely, tearful Judeh is sitting at the kitchen table. The phone rings, but it's not Gary. It's Paul Fisher checking up on her absence.

Nurse Mouton is serving meals on wheels to Jim, so she is. He tries to tell her he doesn't need her charity, he can just about manage for himself - he can prepare a bowl of cereal and wash up. 'Another Good Samaritan' says Jim as there's a knock at the door, only this time it's Judeh, come to ask if he's seen Gareh, and then explain that Gareh isn't ill, he's walked out on her. 'Everybody has rows,' says Jim, 'he'll be back, so he will'. 'Not this time' replies Judeh, ominously, adding that her condition isn't going to make any difference.

In the back room of the Rovers, Natalie arrives to speak to Alec. He's been waiting for her to come and explain how he has been branded as a groper. She tells him that Sam is lying, because it's what she does best. Alec is sceptical, but Natalie reminds him of the hoax Tony accident call, how Sam then blamed Sally, concocted the story about her and Kevin planning to elope with Sally's inheritance, and all because she can't bear Natalie being friendly with Des. Alec is almost coming round to believing her when there's a knock at the back door - it's Des bearing her feline friend. 'He's been in Curly's...... Samantha had him'.

In the Kabin, Leanne is criticising RJanice for calling the Police over Les and the Camper Van - 'I know he's a waste of space, and he can be a right toerag, but you shouldn't have called the Police'. RJanice is regretting her actions, only that camper van is an eyesore on her doorstep, and 'I don't want people thinking we're rubbish'. Leanne can see that she's upset about more than just the camper, and between the tears RJanice admits that it's Les. He has no consideration for her or anybody, he just takes her for granted. 'Any old port in a storm, that's me'. Tearfully, she goes back to work.

Betty carries in a tray of pies as Natalie and Alec are setting up the bar, Sam arrives late to a rebuke from Alec. She asks if 'he's said anything yet,' presumably referring to the previous night's allegations, Alec says no, but it won't go unmentioned. Natalie adopt an ingratiating smile as she answers Sam's question about whether she has found her cat yet. Natalie says not, although she did see one on the way to work that looked a bit like Tiger. Sam suggests that sometimes one has to accept the inevitable, and Natalie nearly manages to force a tear to play along with her own deception.

Alec comments, in a great missed opportunity of a line 'Well I'm sure we're all very sorry about Natalie's cat, but this is a pub, not a Wildlife sanctuary - we've pies to serve and pints to pull.' He could have done a 'Mrs Slocombe' (after all, Mollie Sugden played Nellie Harvey, Annie Walker's friend) and referred to 'Natalie's Pussy'

Studley II drives up, and chats with Fiona. He's back earlier than expected, and Fiona says that she knows somebody who'll be pleased to see him.

Leanne goes looking for Les, and finds him performing repairs to the van with parcel tape. She's doing her Henry Kissinger bit, and suggests that Janice is regretting chucking him out, and that if he would only do something special, and stop taking her for granted, she might take him back. She suggests some flowers, but Les reminds her that he hasn't got the transport any more to get down the cemetery. Leanne tells him not to be so stupid, but to send some flowers, delivered to RJanice at work - in front of all her mates.

I've realised what's been wrong with Les all this time, apart from his acting. He's always been clean shaven. He looks far more yobbish with a day's growth.

Muppets 1 and 2 (with Baby Muppet) are chatting outside the salon. Maxime's going into town to check out flats to let - she feels she can't live with her mum any longer. Fiona teases her that that is obviously connected with a certain salesman recently back in town - Maxime's eyes light up, and she runs off to the factory to find him.

Betty wants to know what's up with Sam and Natalie. She knows summat's up, she can smell it. Alec suggests it's best to keep out of it - 'The wise observe, and the curious get bitten.'

At the bar, Nurse Mouton is recounting the story of Gareh's disappearance to Steve, and it seems that Liz knows why he's gone - 'er no, it's not what he's done....'

Des and Kevin arrive together, to see Sam. Natalie makes herself scarce. Alec tries to defuse the situation by suggesting that he might not be as good looking as her but he pulls a better pint, but Sam comes over anyway, saying she has nothing to say to them. Des plays his trump card, or rather his trump cat, saying that a dumb animal can put the record straight - cue Natalie bringing Tiger in and putting him on the bar top. Alec notes that the cat seems to recognise Samantha - but then it would, as she's had him hidden in Curly's house for the last four days. Four days? In The Real World it's been two weeks hasn't it? Realisation begins to dawn on Sam that she's been rumbled. And no realisation from Alec that his sneezing when he called at Curly's was due to cat allergy. A Spoiler for Wednesday perhaps?

END OF PART ONE

'OK' says Sam, 'I took the cat, I made the phone call, I told a lie. So what?' Alec explains that allegations like that could ruin his business and Kevin asks why she picked on him. She tells Alec that he's a dirty old man, and Kevin that he's pathetic and that Sally didn't take much persuading to believe her lies. Natalie intervenes, telling Sam that she's a nasty little girl who likes ruining people's lives - an accusation that gets returned. Des's fists are about to fly when Alec stops him and tells Sam that she is fired. 'You can't sack me, you sad little man - I Quit!' And off she goes.

Chez Battersby, Leanne and Les are studying a pile of black boxes, that look very much like disco equipment. 'You break these, and I'll kill you' she tells him. He has an idea for winning RJanice back.

Back at the bar, our wronged foursome are reliving the recent occurrences, and discussing the relief that it is all over. Kevin in particular is keen that Sally should know that his version was the truth. Alec buys a round to apologise for not believing Des last night. Actually he calls Betty over (who has been talking to the wall behind the bar-hatch all through this scene, indeed since before the adverts). Natalie declines his uncharacteristically generous offer, saying that there's 'somebody I have to see, before she goes'. They realise that she means Sam, Natalie still thinks it's a good idea to go after her.

RAudreh arrives with Fred, I say, RAudreh arrives with Fred, still wittering about the nerve of Spider to stand for the council post vacated by Alfeh. It makes her all the more determined to stand against him. Fred starts to fantasise about Audreh dressed in Mayoral robes, and how they would cover up her girlish figure. Fred wonders where it could end if they played their cards right, but Audrey is already thinking about a new wardrobe. He is being an outrageous flirt, and offers to become her campaign manager. 'And you'd do all that for me?', she asks. 'There's a lot of things I could do for you, Audrey' leers Fred. RAudreh finally recognises his intentions.

Cut to the Street where we see Sam's bike parked next to Les's camper van. But what's that? What are all the extra lights on the vehicle? It's the disco lighting kit, on the front bumper. What is that Les up to?

A florist's van arrives, with a bouquet for RJanice. She wonders who her admirer is, but Sally spots the greetings card. RJanice reads it out: 'Some people want a big fast car or win the Lottery, I just want you back 'cos I'm as sad as I can be'. The girls laugh.

Cue Disco!

'I'm not in Love, so don't forget it, I'm just a silly phase I'm going through........'

Actually, I rushed things there. First we hear the opening chords of 10cc's 1974 classic (I'll check later - don't flame me if I forget), then see Les's plimsoll clad feet walking from the side of the van. As the camera pans up we see the velvet jacket, frilly shirt and dicky bow. And Les. Doing Karaoke. Priceless.

As he goes into 'It's because.....' he sings it deliberately off key, and Janice just melts into his arms. Les carries her off, and over the threshhold. Mike Baldwin comes out, as insensitive as ever - 'what's all this then, a religious revival?' Sally tells him what the occasion is, and then we see Les leaning out of the bedroom window with