Monday 1 June
We open chez Webster, apparently at breakfast. Kevin is asking
Sally to state her position in buying Natalie out of the garage.
Sally doesn't want to talk about it right now, she's got other
things on her mind - the loss of her Mother. Kevin reminds her
that she was keen enough to get Natalie out of their lives six
months ago, so what has changed? Sally suggests that Natalie isn't
quite as much of a threat now. Kevin gets quite aggressive, telling
her to make her mind up.
And it's breakfast at the Batt's, where Janice is still comforting
Leanne about the Darren Whately business. Les is stooped over
tying his bootlaces, which reminds Janice that he shouldn't be
able to do that with his bad back, indeed the only thing he seems
unable to do is drive. Les explains that driving involves the
use of special muscles, and the doctor told him to rest them!
Just then Nick arrives to see Leanne, so J & L make themselves
scarce - but not before Les threatens Nick that he's got to look
Nick tells Leanne that he'd like the chance to look after her,
but she's being defensive. What made him go for the knife like
that? If she hadn't stopped him they could both have found themselves
responsible for a murder. Nick tries to apologise, saying it's
the most stupid thing he's done in his life (crawling out of Gail's
womb must be a close second), but Leanne won't hear his apologies,
and sends him away so that she can think.
Les and Greg are just walking past the Webster's when Sally
emerges. both men offer their sympathies, but Les spoils it by
suggesting that if he'd known earlier he could have save her a
few bob because he has a mate who deals in cardboard coffins.
Greg sets him up - 'Why waste money on the dead, eh, Les?' 'Exactly,
why fork out on a wooden overcoat you're only gonna wear once?'
They make their excuses and leave, but the camera shows Sally
looking at their retreating figures, then cuts to Greg's backside
as if to suggest that is what Sally is really watching. A few
steps later, Greg turns around and smiles back at Sally, which
Greg continues up the Street then crosses to call at Hair By
Fiona. The eponymous crimper's assistant, Maxime, comes out coincidentally,
and he tries to apologise for last night - 'Something came up'.
Maxime isn't interested, she doesn't even want to speak to him,
and runs back inside.
Big Jim is watching daytime television, channel hopping to
find something of interest. He is saved from the banality by a
knock at the door. The door must be on the latch because he calls
out and St Emily comes in, with that ubiquitous cry of 'Only me!!!!'.
He asks if she'd like a cup of tea, which she declines, but he
asks her to make him one anyway. St Emily is delighted to be able
to do something for him, until Jim suggests that she only came
to see how he was so that she could go home, pleased with herself.
He apologises for his cynicism. St Emily is in full Hospital-Visiting-mode,
and explains that she came bearing gifts, from the charity shop:
A ragged paperback entitled 'Showdown at Deadman's Gulch, and,
wait for it, a jigsaw of cute kittens, with perhaps one or two
pieces missing! Emily senses Jim's feelings and says 'I'm a real
Sister of Mercy, aren't I? ...... I'll go and make the tea.' Jim
smiles, and seems pleased that she cares.
In the amusement arcade, Judy is counting the cash, strangely,
though, she is bagging it and putting it on the counter where
any passing young Liam could snatch it away. A scruffy unshaven
Paul arrives at the door to the booth, and Judy reluctantly lets
him in. She seems to think he wants to touch her up, but when
he realises that she thinks that he backs away, apologising.
It must be lunchtime now, because Natalie is serving Kevin
in the Rovers. He asks if she's reconsidered selling. She hasn't,
and the last six months haven't changed her mind. Natalie accuses
him of wanting to get rid of her.
Sam serves Gary and he congratulates her on her pregnancy news,
suggesting that his 'n' Judy's will be about the same time so
they could be playmates. And share babysitting duties. They joke
about Des drawing up a roster, and whether he should run a book
on its sex.
Natalie is pleased that Sam and Des are back together, and
says as much. Sam tells her how she couldn't have gone back to
Des without Natalie's support. 'My pleasure' comments Natalie,
as Sam goes off to serve someone.
Liz has come round to get Jim's lunch, and raises the suggestion
that she might go out for an hour this evening. She needn't have
worried about Jim's reaction to that, because he encourages her,
indeed almost seems to be looking forward to the jigsaw, or a
few chapters of 'Showdown at Deadman's gulch'. Liz reads this
as sarcasm, and says she'll stay in if he wants, but he encourages
her to go. She puts a sandwich down on top of the jigsaw, but
in the few seconds while they talk about a brave paraplegic young
lad Emily told him about, the plate moves from the jigsaw box
to the table.
Des and Gareh are laughing with Sam across the bar. Natalie
looks on with distaste, then homes in on Kevin, asking what the
offer was for the garage. He says he'll give her fifty percent
of what it's worth, and Natalie's question of 'what is it worth?'
is taken by Kevin as showing interest. She suggests fifty percent
plus five grand - she's serious if he is. He asks why she's interested
now, looking round at Des and Sam she suggests that there's nothing
to keep her around there any more.
END OF PART ONE
The phone is ringing at Jim's house, but he can't get
through the door to the hallway before it stops. Then he finds
that he can't get through the doorway anyway. He's just rolling
back to his jigsaw when there's a knock at the door, and a cheery
Les Battersby crying 'Only me!!!' 'Oh my God' mutters Jim to himself
and nineteen million viewers. Les has this idea that compensation
will be due to him. Jim points out that it wasn't an industrial
accident, but Les thinks he could sue the bloke who put the scaffolding
up - 'they're all mad, you know, scaffolders, it's a well known
fact'. Jim tells him that it was his own fault, and there's no
point in pursuing it. Les thinks he ought to get moving with a
claim, otherwise he might get the use of his legs back before
a settlement can be reached - and he'd end up with nothing.
Spotting the jigsaw and paperback, Les offers to get
Jim something stronger, or even videos. Jim isn't pleased by this
offer, and seems to be suggesting that mucky videos are not the
sort of thing that is appropriate when all is not well in the
trouser department. 'Leslie, are you trying to be funny?' he asks.
Les says that he understands illness, and that he lost his job
on the rigs because of back trouble, but he pulled through. Jim
humours Les by suggesting that this is inspiration for him - if
Les could get over it, then there's hope for him yet.
Outside the Kabin, Nick surprises Leanne with a bunch
of red roses, and a plea that she takes him back. She isn't interested.
He then reminds her of the time they went up to Scotland, and
she slept in his arms all they way. He asks her to take him back
there. Leanne softens and gives him a big hug.
Natalie calls at the garage to see if Kevin is ready
to agree a price. He's still quibbling about the five grand, which
surprises Natalie as she thinks five grand on top of what they'll
have to borrow is irrelevant. Kevin explains that they won't be
borrowing, they'll have cash following Mrs Seddon's death. Natalie
now understands why the idea of buying her out has suddenly resurfaced.
They haggle over this five grand, and settle on three.
Des has called on Orangina to make sure she's not had
second thoughts about getting back with him. She hasn't, not this
time. Turning to living arrangements, he asks her if Curly knows.
No, she says, she hasn't seen him this morning. Well that's more
recent than us, love, we've not seen him in weeks. Des asks her
to move back in with him, perhaps on a trial basis. She is keen
to settle down for good this time, after all the moving around
Hurrah hurrah! Here's the return of Sir Royston!!
Nick and Leanne are in the cafe, Roy comes over to
ask whether it is true that they are back together - 'only I just
wanted to know what sort of mood I can expect Gail to be in for
the next two weeks.'
Nick still wants to talk about Darren Whately, and
thinks they ought to report him to the police for forcing his
way in. Leanne thinks they as good as invited him there, but Nick
wants to do this to get him put away again. Leanne doesn't want
any more involvement, but Nick then suggests that Whately might
come back again.
Jim is getting stuck into his jigsaw, Liz still feels
guilty at going out, but Jim once again encourages her. She leaves,
and Jim vents his frustration by throwing a piece of the jigsaw
against the wall. Never mind Jim, it had missing pieces anyway!
In the Rovers, Studley II sits down with Maxime, and
lies that he's just learned that Les didn't pass on his message
to her that 'something had come up'. Maxime suggests that he could
have phoned, she had spent two hours in the kitchen for him. He
apologises by buying her a drink and offering to take her out
for a meal, 'but not tonight, I'm tied up.'
Janice is encouraging Liz to enjoy herself, and not
to feel guilty about leaving Jim on his own.
Sally is at the bar, and Natalie asks 'are you happy
now, now you've got the garage?' This is news to Sally, who turns
Still at the bar, Maxime has a go at Les for omitting
to give her the message from Greg. They score points off each
other when comparing intellects, until Les suggests that Greg
wouldn't have stood her up if he cared anything about her, and
that 'they're queuing up around the block for a date with him.
'Well he's going out with ME' says Maxime, with all the emotion
she can put into the line, which isn't much. Les puts her down,
questioning why Greg should be lowering himself to going out with
'a hairdresser's assistant.'
The phone rings again in the McDonald household, and
Big Jim tries to manoeuvre his wheely through the door to the
hall. As we all expected, he gets jammed, and tries to reach out
to the phone. Sure enough, the wheely topples over, he falls out,
and the caller hangs up. An angry Jim still has the strength to
lift the wheely from the doorway and throw it over his head to
the other side of his body in the hallway.
Back in the Rovers, Maxime goes to join Janice and
Liz. She seizes her opportunity to get back at Les, and tells
Janice how she was with Greg when Les had the accident. She puts
Janice right - Les didn't save Charlie West from a burning car,
Les was driving, alone, and Les wouldn't have been done for drunken
driving if he were only a passenger. 'Drunk driving? What're you
on about?' 'You know, when he hit that cop car?' Janice is getting
interested, especially when Maxime fills her boots and explains
about Greg going to bail Les out, and how Les had been returning
from visiting Greg's Mother in Warrington. Innocently, Maxime
says 'I thought you knew...' 'I'll crucify him' threatens RJanice,
to Maxime's eminent pleasure.
La Mouton goes back to Jim's, and finds a scene of
devastation. Quite how she got in when he'd thrown the wheely
against the door is not stated, nor do we see how he dragged himself
to a semi-recumbent posture against the bed, but that's dramatic
licence. She blames herself for leaving him, and wants to get
an ambulance, but all Big Jim wants is her to fetch the wheelchair.
With superhuman strength for someone so damaged and so recently
in hospital, he hauls himself up into the chair. He begins to
liken himself to a baby, he's getting more and more dependant
on Liz. She tells him to stop thinking like that - she'll get
through this, and so will he even if she has to drag him.
The goddess Toyah is watching TV when Les comes home.
'Ah, there you are, Petal' says RJanice, ''Ello Flower' says Les.
Janice thinks he's taken her house keys, so he gets his keyring
out. She says it looks like hers, but as they have matching Everley
Brothers keyrings - One is Don and the other Phil - he chides
her for not being able to tell the difference. 'Well just let
me go check', says Janice, moving off to the kitchen with his
keys, 'and I've got a lovely surprise for you.....' she adds seductively.
Les's eyes go towards the bedroom, but brought down to earth when
Janice starts throwing first bags of his clothes and then punches:
'That' (Thwack) 'is for lying to me about you and Charlie West.'
'That' (Punch) 'is for getting done for drunk driving'. 'That'
(Smack) 'is for lying to me about what the doctor said and this'
(Thump) 'is for sleeping with Moira'
A bit like an episode of Batman, eh?
Calling him a lousy lying rat, Janice hits him again,
so Les turns to Toyah for assistance - 'get 'er off me!!!' 'I
can't, I'm watching TV' Top Man Toyah!!! Janice is particularly
angry that the whole street knew except her.
Des has gone round to Curly's to collect Sam and her
belongings. He is surprised that she hasn't got her bags ready.
She soon explains that she has decided not to come, she doesn't
want to make another mistake. Furthermore, she's made an appointment
at the clinic, she's having the abortion on Wednesday.
Back at the Battersby's, Janice is throwing Les into
the Street. Despite his pleas that he has nowhere to go, Janice
tells him to go to Moira's. Les repeats that he didn't sleep with
Moira, but Janice won't hear it, she's finished with him. She
slams the door, with his keys on the inside. Les stands in the
Street, a trifle shocked.
Episode written by Martin Allen.
Wednesday 3 June
Since this update is *extremely* late, there won't
be a prologue this week; nor will there be an "As I See
It" at the end. I'm afraid it's straight down to work this
Hello, hello, hello? Who's this, then, emerging from
an outside toilet with his head bowed and covered in a blanket?
No, it's not George Michael - it's Les Battersby, who has spent
the night in the outdoor loo and is now quite obviously too stiff
to walk properly. (Just wait till Janice gets you on the Viagra,
Les, and then we can talk 'stiff'). Anyway, Les bangs on the back
door and tries to curry favour with Janice, but she's having none
of it. Les's attempt to bed Greg's mother, Moira, is too much
for Janice to tolerate, and so she quite rightly sends him away
with a flea in his ear. Plus she promises to put a padlock on
the boghouse door so he won't be able to sleep there anymore either.
At the Webster residence, Sally is still giving Kevin
a tongue-lashing over his plans to spend £3000 of her dead
mother's money to sweeten Natalie into parting with her half of
the garage. Sally, understandably, is apoplectic. "£3000!
£3000!" she wails. "You could have spent that
money on your kids. [Yes, just think of all the white bread and
fishfingers you could buy with that!] We could have bought a new
car with that! Or a new house!" (A new house, for £3000?
Maybe she meant as a downpayment, I don't know. The whole business
has become tiresome beyond belief and I find that when I watch
anything with Kevin in it these days, I start to lose the will
to live). Sally's ranting has no effect on Kevin, who wants neither
a new car nor a new house. (Now had she suggested a nice little
cottage somewhere, it might have been different...) "I bet
it makes you feel great, chucking my money about," screeches
Sally. "Why didn't you offer her more!? Ten thousand, fifteen
thousand! It's the first time I come into some money and you want
to give it to your ex-bit-on-the-side! You couldn't invent that;
it's priceless." Keven has no real answer to Sally's tirade,
apart from telling her ad nauseam that all he wants to do is get
Natalie off his back. (Why, Kev? Is there a queue?)
Another tiresome plotline is the Orangina abortion
debacle. Here we see her and Des, talking about the baby she may
or may not be carrying. Des is clearly a pro-lifer, because he
gives her this spiel about how she's carrying a human life, and
how, if she aborts it, it will come back to haunt her for the
rest of her life. Orangina says that carrying Des's baby to full
term is simply not on, given all that has happened between them.
Des says that he'll look after the baby, but Orange Girl declines.
"It's not what I want," she protests. "It's what
*I* want," Des remonstrates. "After all, it's my baby
too!" But Orange Girl is having none of it. And before you
can say "UB40", the soon-to-be unemployed Orangina is
out of the door and into a waiting taxi. Des follows her, banging
on the door of the cab as she pulls away. He begs her, implores
her, pleads with her. (And I have to say it, echoing my old mate
Frankie, that Des is a miserable pleader and no mistake). Gareh
strolls by while Des is faffing around in the street, but Des
is too overwhelmed by it all to notice him. He runs to his car,
realises it's locked, dashes into the house and fetches his keys.
Reversing like a maniac, he finally points his trusty steed in
the right direction and tries to follow Sam's cab.
Looking on while all this happens is a perplexed Sally.
But she's not perplexed for long, because she soon gets her wits
about her for another run-in with Kevin, who is stood standing
against the garage wall like some superannuated rentboy waiting
for a punter. He reminds Sally that she had always wanted him
to own the garage all by himself. "But if you bought Natalie
out with my money, then I'd own half, wouldn't I?" (Sally
1, Kevin 0).
At the Kabin, Les is touting for Leanne's sympathy,
but not getting very far. He's also there to purchase a packet
of headache pills, but at £1.76 a box, he'll make do with
the migraine, thankyou very much. (Actually, it's probably just
a headache: Les is *far* too common to have migraines!) Leanne
gives Les short shrift and does not buy his story that Janice
has 'got the wrong end of the stick'.
Back at the garage, Natalie has come to tell Kevin
that they should set the ball rolling with the garage sale, but
Kevin does not seem so sure. "I hope you're not having second
thoughts," says Natalie, who is clearly unaware that for
Kevin, having any kind of thought requires Herculean effort and
is usually avoided at all costs. Kevin says that he doesn't want
Sally to know more than she needs to know about the particulars
of the garage sale, which elicits from Natalie a wry, "But
Kevin, I didn't know you and Sally had secrets from each other?"
(Oh come on, Natalie - they're married, aren't they?). Natalie
leaves Kevin with a tongue-in-cheek "I just hope you and
Sally haven't been arguing..."
At this point, the red and flustered Des reappears,
his fruitless pursuit of Sam's cab over. He tells Natalie that
Sam has gone off to have an abortion, and that he's going to ring
around all of the abortion clinics in the area to find her.
Back at the Kabin, it's Janice's turn to bitch about
Les - which she does with great gusto while eating a Mars Bar.
(I have it on good authority that Mike Plowman was unable to begin
his update after this particular episode all because of this one
scene. Repetitive Strain Injury can be painful, and I hope the
wrist gets better soon, Mike). The upshot is that Janice admits
to having given Les his marching orders. "He's a muck-heap!"
she snarls, licking a trace of chocolate from her full, pouting
lips. (Steady on, Mike! What would you have done if she'd been
eating a Curly Wurly?)
We cut across town now to the reception area of what
looks unnervingly like my local doctor's surgery, but what in
fact turns out to be an abortion clinic. Des storms up to the
desk and demands to be allowed to see Samantha, adding that he
only wants to be with her in her hour of need. (Now put me right
if I've missed something. I've heard of men being present at the
birth of their kids, but never at an abortion. Is this an American
trend?) The woman at reception - a severe type dressed in red
who could easily pass as Warden Veitch's sister - tries to fob
him off, but he gets stroppy and she has to have him ejected from
the clinic by a rather hunky security guard.
In another part of town, Judeh is looking around a
clothes shop when she sees Orangina buying a pair of jeans. She
is just about to call her when Orangina pays for her purchase
and sashays off. [This is a cue for all of us clueless viewers
to put two and two together: if Orangina is in some clothing emporium
buying jeans, she obviously can't have been to the abortion clinic
to have that pip removed, can she? So now we know! Des, of course,
doesn't. And never will, poor sod, although he doesn't know that
At the Rovers, there is one big free-for-all, with
most of the cast turning up in this scene at one point or other.
There's Gary and Des, discussing Orangina's termination (or non-termination,
as the case may be); there's Janice and Sally, with Janice wishing
out loud that Greg would 'go back where he came from' [i.e. the
cast of Thunderbirds], unaware that he is standing right next
to her; there's Les, trying to make Janice see reason but getting
nothing from her but short shrift; there's Jim McDonald, complete
with matching wheels, being coerced into social intercourse by
La Mouton; there's Judeh, who tells an astonished Des that she
has just seen Orangina in a jeans shop; and finally there's Maxine,
who enters the Rovers and sidles up to Greg just as he is about
to try out his chat-up lines on Sally Webster. The scene ends
with everyone crowding round the paralysed brickie, like sick
voyeurs at some ghastly fashion accident, welcoming him back to
the Rovers where he belongs. "I don't want people feeling
sorry for me," bleats Jim, obviously forgetting that people
felt sorry for him long before he fell from that scaffolding.
At the Cafe, Les phones his mate Charlie West in the
hope of arranging alternative accommodation for the night, and
they duly arrange to meet at 5.30 on the corner of Rosamund Street.
Meanwhile, Les asks Leanne whether he can have the use of her
place until Charlie arrives. "I'll give you the key,"
she says, "but don't make a mess; don't let Ashley see you;
and don't be there when I get home!" Tilly is also in the
Cafe, using yet another opportunity to push Leanne into going
to the police over the Darren Whately affair. Leanne wants nothing
to do with, mindful of the fact that whatever she says about Whateley,
she'll be implicating Tilly in the process. "But he's a murderer!"
screeches Whoopsie Boy. "Yes," says Leanne, "but
look what you did to *him*!"
At the Rovers, Liz has shunted Jim into a corner and
is now discussing him with Sally at the bar. "Jim's looking
loads brighter," says Sally, tactfully. "Yes,"
says Liz, "it could have been a big mistake bringing him
in here!" Cue - as if you didn't know - a Big Mistake. For
who should come through the door of the Rovers at this point but
Bernard Ingham in drag, aka Maud Grimes. As soon as Maud sees
Jim, she tootles across to talk to him. "How are you getting
on with your chair, Jim?" she says. "It's not all bad,
is it?" Jim does not even hesitate. "No, Maud, it's
not: I get to stay in this chair all day; I get someone to lift
me out and I then I get someone to wipe my backside for me. It's
like a holiday, so it is!" As his ranting subsides, his drinking
buddies leave in droves, each with their own excuse, and it is
left to a deeply embarrassed La Mouton to wheel the sad Irish
brickie out of the pub and back to his sad little house.
At the Websters, Kevin and Sally are still bickering
over Natalie, the garage sale, and Sally's mum's money. Kev says
that buying the garage was what Sally always wanted, while she
declares that she is determined not to give Natalie a penny of
her mother's money. "Do you always want Natalie around our
necks?" asks Kev, exasperated. "I'm past caring,"
snorts Sally. And then: "£3000!! You could have spent
it on your kids!"
La Mouton, meanwhile, is ripping into Jim McDonald
over the way he treated Maud in the pub. "She's a harmless
old lady," hisses La M, "and you're a mean-minded pig!
She was only trying to be nice! Didn't your brain register that?"
Tongue-lashing over, La Mouton flounces out of the room, leaving
the poor marooned ex-soldier to toy half-heartedly with his jigsaw.
But as soon as La Mouton is through the door and out of earshot,
Jim picks up the jigsaw and hurls it across the room with all
the strength he can muster.
Outside on the Street, Les's friend Charlie West has
arrived with some 'alternative accommodation' for Les. In the
form of a camper van. (Camper than what, though?]. To say it is
almost a total wreck would be an understatement. The interior
is dark, dingy and disgusting - but just right for Les, who seems
happier in there than a dog with two dicks. No running water,
of course - but probably lots of running sores, if the state of
the bedclothes is anything to go by. There's a cooker which doesn't
work, a fridge which isn't hooked up to the electricity either,
and a tiny chemical loo which smells as though it hasn't been
cleaned since Charles married Di. [I still can't believe that
Charles cheated on her for that awful Parker-Bowles woman. I mean,
who in their right mind would give up a gorgeous babe like Lady
Di for some old Audreh Roberts lookalike?]. "It's a palace,
it's a palace!" enthuses Les. "Well it has potential,"
says Charlie. "You could do it up!" When Janice sees
the heap of rusting rubbish, she tells Les immediately that it
has to go.
Over on the other side of the Street, a taxi pulls
up and Orangina steps out. Des sees her arrive and follows her
into Curly's house, ignoring Les's "How do you like me new
des res" as he passes. Inside, Des confronts Orangina with
the fact that she was seen in the jeans shop and clearly did not
go through with the abortion. Orangina says that Judeh was obviously
mistaken, and that the abortion took place as planned. Des puts
it to her that she's lying; that she couldn't go through with
it and is thus still pregnant. Orangina changes tack and tells
Des that she was never pregnant in the first place, and that she
only pretended in order to hurt him. "I wanted you to think
I was," she snarls, "because I was sick of you and bloody
Natalie!" Des accuses her of being mad, evil, 'off the radar'
And then he leaves, his eyes brimming with tears, to
return to his own house.
And that is where we leave too.....
See you again next time! And sorry again for the delay!
Friday 5 June
Well, the danger of being late doing the updates,
is that when you start to catch up, the gap narrows and not a
lot happens during that time. We are in one of those situations
right now. After me falling asleep on the train last week, you
will recall I was in the doghouse somewhat as far as my wife
was concerned - well, fortunately, the atmosphere cleared pretty
quickly, although it wasnít until Saturday that we managed
to have a good talk. When you are changing direction, as I am
in my quest for the "lost Alan", communication is vital,
as is a good sense of humour - heaven knows, Trude needs that
to cope with me! Anyway, things is OK
One of the things which did happen was that on Sunday
night, I got Trude onto the coro_street channel on IRC. We had
a good bunch of regulars on the channel, including Perfidia,
Jacqueline, Rbaz, Greggy, Rbaz, The_Rattler and MSAlfa. My pals
wanted to meet her and I believe it was a very useful session
to get across to her the friendliness of the group. She had a
superb welcome and I was very touched and heartened by the love
which came across - thanks gang! Although it was a bit of a rowdy
affair with a number of cross conversations going on, it broke
the ice and I'll certainly be taking up the kind offers to have,
maybe one-to-one sessions with Trude or perhaps sessions on a
private channel, where the cross traffic can be minimised. It
meant a lot to me and I appreciate those of you who took the
time and trouble to make her so welcome.
Talking of Trude, one of the things which has come
across on the newsgroup is the fact that kids have such a great
sense of humour and, as a schoolteacher, she is well placed to
pick up some classic quotes. Josef asked on IRC whether these
bon-mots were for real... yep is the answer, they most certainly
are! There is no way you could possibly make up some of the things
that kids says - so Trude's spot every week from now on, will
have a nugget or two from her collection of gems.
The first three, I am repeating from my postings on
the newsgroup, for the benefit of readers who donít take
1. Our favourite was about 20 years ago, when she
was teaching a remedial class... basically these kids had learning
difficulties, social problems, or maybe were foreign language
kids from the Indian sub-continent where English was probably
not spoken at home.
In the meantime, its onto the update...
Sponsored by Cadbury's Marble
The episode starts with Des knocking on Samanthaís
door. "What do you want?" she asks aggressively. "What
is it with you?" replies Des. "Sorry, I'm not dressed
yet" she tells him, rather brusquely. He asks her why she
lied to him and what she is getting out off it. She tries to slam
the door in his face. He accuses her of being insane and asks
what is going on inside that head of hers. What fantasies is she
planning next? She tells him that she does not fantasise - she
knows what's real and what isn't. He points out that her baby
wasn't real but his feelings for Natalie were. Sam says that he
was going to give up Natalie, but he points out that was only
because she was pregnant. She accuses him of only ever wanting
the baby, "well tough!", is her uncompromising response.
He accuses her of hating him - she agrees, then slams the door
in his face.
Judy and Gary are outside, ready to go to work. Judy
is concerned about the way that Paul Fisher is behaving and what
effect that will have on her job. Gary asks whether Paul is going
to turn up today, Judy says that Paul's wife had indicated that
he might, but then "she has been saying that all week."
Gary says that he never thought of him as being a drinker and
thought he was too keen on counting the takings. He offers to
walk Judy up the road, but she says she needs to go to the clinic
before work. They kiss and go their separate ways.
Les is outside the house, looking to fill his kettle
with water. He is trying to persuade Toyah to let him, but Toyah
is under orders from Janice! At that stage, Janice comes out and
tells him that he might be able to get his way around Toyah, but
not around her!! She tells him that he has his own detached residence,
all mod-cons, but he points out that he is not connected to the
mains! "Iíve been saying that for years, now.. bog
off!!" is her warm greeting.
We are at Jim's house, where Jim is telling Liz that
she must be sick of him - if she is, he tells her, then he understands.
She tried to reassure him that she is not sick of him, but she
does not want him to be even more unhappy - and that is likely
if he lets misery set in! He tells her that he is just sick of
being helpless, he feels useless. His legs do not work. Liz says
that the nerves are numb, that the muscles have shrunk. Sarcastically
he replies "and if I try, I can walk!" She tells him
that she does not know whether or not he can, but she does know
that he needs to make the effort. Jim tries to point out that
the only thing that's working at the moment is his arms. She tells
him that he still has the top half of his body - he says that
the bottom half is useless, he just drags it about. Liz repeats
what the doctors have said - that his progress is up to him. They
have already arranged physiotherapy, they have not wasted any
time. He tells her that he will not go to physiotherapy, but she
insists that he will, unless he wants to sit in this room for
the rest of his life. He gets more morose and asks what is the
point of it all. Liz has had enough and tells him that she is
due at work. She points out that she cannot help him all the time,
he has to make the effort himself.
Back out in the street, Les is still trying to get
water for his kettle. He sees Ken and Emily talking and sarcastically
says that presumably Emily couldnít spare a kettle of water
for him, could she? He accuses Ken of wanting to charge for the
privilege and Ken concurs that he would, Les turns away singing
the theme from "Neighbours." Emily comments to Ken that
the van is an eyesore and hopes that it will not stay long. Ken
ruefully states that they once said this about the whole family.
Des is talking to Natalie in the street and tells her
that Samantha was never pregnant. Natalie disputes this, saying
that she must have been as sheíd had an abortion. "In
her dreams!" replies Des. He confirms that the whole thing
was a lie, but Natalie is puzzled as to why she should do this.
"To get her own back, to try and keep us apart" are
the reasons Des gives. Natalie points out that, in that case,
Samantha has succeeded - she had asked him to make a choice between
the two of them and he had chosen Samantha. He maintains that
the only reason for this was because there was a baby involved,
but Natalie tells him that the real point is that he did go back
to Sam and that is all that matters.
Les arrives at the cafe and orders a fry-up, "tomatoes,
mushrooms, the lot." He tells Gail and Roy that he won't
be a minute and disappears into the toilet, holding a towel. Roy
asks Gail what Les was doing with the towel, but Gail doesn't
care. After a brief discussion on the colour of Les' towel - "is
dirty grey a colour? Looks more like a floor cloth to me"
says Gail - Roy offers to fry up to take his mind off hygiene
Toyah is in the Kabin and Judy is waiting patiently
behind her. Rita points out that Toyah should be at school now
but Toyís reply is the Judy should be at work! Judy tells
her that she has an ante-natal appointment, not that it is any
of her business. "What do they do there? Stick to your belly
under a microscope, see whatís moving?" asks RToyota.
Judy points out that when Leanne gets pregnant, she can ask her.
Toyah insists that Leanne will not fall for that as she has more
sense up top, but Rita points out that plenty of sensible people
fall pregnant, "young Fiona did, not to mention Judy here,
let alone Samantha Failsworth." "If you're going to
go on rambling about babies, I might as well go" is Toyahís
parting shot, as she leaves the Kabin. Rita asks Judy whether
Samantha and Des are getting back together again, but Judy queries
the wisdom of this, if the parents do not see eye to eye. Rita
is still probing and speculates that maybe Samantha will bring
up the baby on her own. Judy tries to be non-committal, saying
that she hasnít seen much of Sam recently. Rita continues
whittering about Des certainly wanting children, but Judy tells
her that you can never be sure how things are going to turn out.
Natalie has gone round to see Samantha. She tells her
that she wants to put her right on a few things. Samantha accuses
her of being sent by Des and says that she has nothing to say.
Natalie tells her "Well I have!" .. so there
Back at the Café, Roy is surprised at the time
that Les is taking in the toilet. Gail thinks he might have diarrhoea,
and that he may be lying on the floor. She wonders whether Roy
ought to have a look, but Roy isn't interested and points out
that Les will not want his all-day breakfast. "At least we
know what all-day breakfast means - cooked in the morning and
eaten in the afternoon." replies Gail. Les surfaces from
the toilet and Roy notices that he has had a shave. He points
out to him that they are toilet facilities not washing facilities.
Les challenges saying there is a sink in there. Roy tries to clarify
that this is for washing your hands after using the toilet, so
Les responds that he did use the toilet - he also informs him
that their flush is a bit funny, he had a go at it, but could
not fix it! Gail hands Les his breakfast and asks for £2.50,
at which stage Les complains at the state of it and tells them
that he will not eat it. Having done what he came to do, he departs
from the café, leaving Roy looking annoyed and bewildered.
Natalie points out that Samantha had finished with
Des long before they had got together, but Sam tells her that
there were things she had say. Natalie counters by saying that
surely this didn't have to include her telling him that she was
pregnant. Samantha insists that she really wanted the baby but
Natalie is quick to dismiss that as there is no baby now. She
accuses Samantha of playing a dirty trick on Des. Samantha is
still in "me" mode and asks whether Nat really knows
what it is like as she has never had an abortion. When Natalie
tells her that she did not have an abortion because she was never
pregnant, Samantha insists that she was pregnant and that it was
Des' baby that she wanted it, but she just could not bear him
forcing her, telling her what to do, taking her over, like he
always did. When Natalie says that Sam had told Des that there
was no baby, Sam insists that she merely said the first thing
that came into her head, because he never left her alone, he went
on and on about that baby all the time. He had tried to force
her to go back with him, but she had told him that it would not
work, it wasnít fair on anyone. "He's obsessed, he
was obsessed by that baby, he never wanted me, not really, all
he ever wanted was his child" she continues. Natalie says
that Sam should never have told him, that she should have remained
quiet in the first place. Samantha begs for Natís help,
she does not want people round here knowing the truth, they will
tell Des and he will then be back shouting and yelling his head
off again. She tells Nat that she cannot cope with it any more
and Nat agrees to help by saying that Sam had a miscarriage.
as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End of
Anyway, she was asking them what they'd seen on TV
and one of them told her he'd seen a programme on the planets.
Well, concepts like this were usually obviously something else
to these kids, so she thought "I'll go for it" and
asks whether they can name any planets.
A whole sea of hands rises as the volunteer their
suggestions... Mars, Venus, Saturn...... then one kid says "Pluto"
.. "Great", says Trude "that planet is the furthest
away in our planetary sytem" ...
Suddenly the lad next to him puts his hand up.. Trude
reckoned it was like a light bulb coming on... ping! - this kid
volunteers his suggestion "Donald Duck"! whereupon
she nearly needed to go for a change of knickers... the whole
class fell about, but this kid was totally oblivious.... poor
2. A lad comes in after having a day off to attend
Q. Where did you get to yesterday, Johnny?
A. They burnt me grandad!!
3. A great way of being nosey about the kids and what
happens at home is to ask them what happened at the weekend...
Johnny.... My dad was in bed all weekend
Trudy.. oh, I'm sorry to hear that... is he ill?
Johnny... no! bone idle!!
(Can't you just hear the mother??)
As I said, ..... out of the mouths of babes... More
Leanne has come to visit Zoe in hospital. Zoe thanks her for coming
to visit. After discussing hospital food, Zoe says that she doesn't
want to be in hospital any longer than she needs to be. Leanne
asks what she does to pass the time, but Zoe replies that there
isnít much to do, although there is a group therapy session
later on in the afternoon. "Everyone just sits about and
talks about how miserable they are!" says Zoe. "We will
have to get Janice and my dad around - they're experts!"
quips Leanne. Zoe admits that it is not that bad and it makes
her feel better. She asks Leanne how things are with her - when
Leanne makes an evasive response, Zoe asks whether Nick is still
getting on Leanne's nerves. While Leanne denies this, she admits
that they have different ideas, they do not share the same opinions
on much. "Neither do me and Ashley" replies Zoe, but
Leanne points out that Zoe is not married to Ashley. When Zoe
asks whether Leanne has made a mistake in marrying Nick, Leanne
denies this, rather unconvincingly. Zoe admits that she has made
many mistakes, that everyone in the hospital has, which is probably
why she is there. Zoe tells Leanne that she thinks Nick is too
posh for her, but Leanne counters saying that he is only from
Coronation Street. At the mention of the Street, Zoe snaps saying
that she is sick of hearing about Coronation Street. She asks
Leanne to go, telling her that she is tired.
Vera calls a quick meeting at the Rovers. Alec is unhappy
because Samantha is not behind the bar, at which stage, Natalie
announces that she will not be there because she has had a miscarriage.
This shocks everyone. Natalie confides that Samantha is feeling
pretty low at the moment. Jack asks whether Samantha will be in
tomorrow because he and Vera are going away to Wales in the caravan.
Alec tells them not to worry, they will manage, these things happen.
Vera offers to visit Sam, but Natalie puts her off, saying that
Sam really wants to be left on her own. "Poor kid" says
Vera playing the clucking mother hen part, "she'd always
wanted that baby". Nat points out that Samantha is old enough
to have another baby, while Vera is still painting a picture of
the Good Mother that Samantha would have made. She is "too
good for Des Barnes, in my opinion" she comments while Natalie
tactfully replies "Oh, your opinion's always worth listening
Janice and Sally are outside in the street looking
at Les' motor van. When Sally says that Les will soon be back,
Janice replies that he neednít bother, "Have a chemical
toilet, will travel! He can go where he likes." "What?
In that?" retorts Sally. "Oh! Greg will pull wings on
it. What do you think he's after?" asks Janice. Sally speculates
that maybe he wants a family, but Janice seems to think that there
is more to it than that. He has got a mother, so he will want
Janice. He is not an only child, so he is not lonely. Sally asks
if Greg is married and when Janice replies "No.. worst luck",
Sally wonders whether Greg needs to discover his roots. "If
Les were your root, would you hang around?" is Janice's damning
James is outside the house in the street in a wheelchair,
being taken to the ambulance. Audrey sees him in the street -
she says that she saw the ambulance, so she had to come across.
Liz tells her that he is just going for physiotherapy. Audrey
commences a highly patronising conversation talking about Jim,
but not addressing him directly. She comments on how tricky it
must be for Jim to get about. James is seething inwardly, while
Audrey asks whether they have ever considered having a lift fitted
to their staircase. Liz points out that they Jimís stairs
and not hers. Audrey carries prattling on about the difficulties
are moving him about and moving him to the toilet, etc. etc. Sally
is the only one to speak directly to Jim and tells him that she
hopes it will be long before he will be up and about. "Mind
you, physio weren't much use to Lesí back" adds Janice
playing the part of Jobís conforter. Sally points out that
it is different for Jim - they know what is wrong with him, so
they will be able to treat it. Janice mutters that sometimes she
doesn't think that there is anything wrong with Les. "You
do your best Jim, come back walking" is Audreyís parting
shot. Utter disbelief is one Jim's face and ours as the scene
Samantha turns up for work at the pub, much to Jackís
surprise. He tells her that she should not be here, but she replies
that she could not stay in the house on her own. He tells her
that she is not here to work, but she tells him itís better
if she keeps busy, she wants to be at work to take her mind off
her problems. Jack tells her that she's quite free to go home
whenever she wishes. She tells him how grateful she is for his
consideration. Natalie comes in and asks Sam what she is doing
back at work. Sam thanks Natalie for her kindness and tells her
that she owes her a lot. Des comes in to see Sam and Natalie talking
together and wonders what is going on, "female bonding is
it? all girls together?". Sam makes out that she doesn't
want a upsetting any more, but Des is annoyed that Natalie seems
to have fallen for Samanthaís lies. Jack instructs Des
to lay off and tells Samantha to go into the back room. "If
she stays here, you will have the bar awash - theyíll be
serving sympathy in a pint pot" moans Des. Vera tells Des
that Samantha deserves their sympathy. "She deserves a lot
to things sheís not going to get" replies Des angrily.
V accuses him of being heartless and tells Natalie not to serve
him, "let him get his booze somewhere else" . Des storms
off and as he does so, Natalie tells Vera that she wants a quick
word with him, because there is more to this than meets the eye.
As Natalie leaves the pub, Vera comments "do you know, that
Natalie, sheís got the habit of chasing after the wrong
kind of bloke - I mean he's a bigger loser than Kevin Webster."
Natalie chases after Des and tries to reassure him that she is
not taking Samís side but he tells her to clear off. She
tries to say that Samantha doesn't know what she's doing, but
Des disputes this, "Samantha knows exactly what she is doing
every minute of the day." Natalie tries to explain that Samantha
is merely lashing out - there are a lot of things she cannot tells
Des. That rubs Des up the wrong way and he says that there is
fine by him. He tells Natalie that he doesnít want to hear
them, he is sick of her (Natalie) and even more sick of Samantha
- he tells Natalie to get out of his house.
Alec comes back in the Rovers to be told by Vera and
Jack that Des Barnes had been throwing his weight around and how
Vera had sorted him out. "Well, it's time someone did"
says Alec. He asks where Samantha is and is told she is in the
back, Vera asks him not to disturb her, as she needs a few minutes
Ken offers to buy Maude a glass of stout. Les is also
at the bar and asks if Ken is going to buy him a drink as well.
Ken replies that this will not happen until Les moves his dirty
old van over street. Maude adds "its a disgrace - everyone
who comes into my shop says so." Les has a moan about the
lack of sympathy for the homeless, but Maude points out that he
is not homeless as he has a perfectly good home. "The only
thing is, my wife will not let me set foot in it" replies
Les. "No doubt, she's got a good reason" is Kenís
riposte. "And what do you know about it?" asks Les.
"Nothing, Iím just surmising" replies Ken. "Well
if I was a sacked schoolteacher with time on my hands, I might
surmise and all. But I can't. Because I've got a job to go to!"
is Les' crushing ace as he leaves the pub.
Judy has come back from her ante-natal class and it
is reporting back to Gary that it all went well - "blood
pressure normal, temperature normal, this, that and the other
normal" - they start talking about their baby being "the
best looking baby the world has ever seen, smartest, kindest,
wittiest," says Judy. "Takes after his dad" says
Gary, while Judy adds "and mum!" Gary says he has heard
that Samantha has had a miscarriage - Judy is puzzled as yesterday
she was supposed to be having an abortion. Gary recommends that
they stay out of any argument.
Samantha rushes through from the back to tell Vera
that there has been an urgent telephone call for Natalie. Leeds
hospital have just rung to say that her son, Tony, has had an
accident, and they want her to go straight away. Alec asks for
details of what has happened, but all Samantha will say is that
"he is on life support." Natalie is called in and is
told by Samantha that her son has been involved in a car crash.
Natalie is shocked as she had spoken to him earlier in the day.
Alec offers to drive her over to Leeds. Natalie asks for more
details but nobody seems to have anything to add, so she asks
Alec if they can stop off on the way home so that she can get
a few things. Vera can see her holiday in Rhyl, rapidly disappearing
but Jack points out that Alec promised to be back later. Suddenly,
Samantha makes out that she feels dizzy and needs to go outside
for a bit of fresh air.
The group therapy session has commenced in the hospital
and the counsellor asks Zoe if she would like to speak. Zoe admits
that she is here because she threw herself into a canal - because
her baby was dead. She took another one for a walk, but people
came up running after her. She wanted to get away from them, so
she put the baby down, she was on the bridge, the baby was on
the ground, the people were on the canal bank - she tells them
that she looked in the water, but she just wanted to be with her
baby, her Shannon. She didn't want anything else. Her baby had
meningitis, that's why she died. She just thought the water would
take her away.
We are outside Natalieís home - she has picked
up some things on her way to the hospital. She jumps into the
car and Alec speeds off. Seconds later we see a taxi pulling up
outside her home, and Samantha gets out. She asks the taxi to
wait a few minutes. She goes into the garden calling "Tiger,
Tiger" - she finds Natalie's pussy(cat). She picks up the
cat and takes it with her.
Zoe has finished telling her story and the counsellor
tells her that she has done very well, sheís been very
strong. She invites the new people in the group to speak. Paul
Fox, the arcade owner, has been standing at the window - he turns
around and says that he needs to speak. He tells them that Zoe
is here because of something terrible that happened to her, for
which she was not to blame. He has done something awful and he
cannot get it out of his mind. He doesn't think that anything
would help him. He tells them that he is a married man, he has
a good wife, he owns amusement arcades. A few months ago, one
of the women who worked for him, came to him and asked him if
he would lend her some money. He tells them that he agreed to
lend her the money on one condition, that she had to sleep with
him - he recalls the look in her eyes. He tells them "she
is married, her husband had just lost his job, she was desperate,
I mean, she'd have to be wouldn't she, to go with me. She can't
bear to look at me now. I've ruined her. I could have just given
her the money, it wasn't even that much, £2,000. I have
wrecked my life and my marriage and I've wrecked her." The
programme ends with the cogs turning in Zoe's brain, as we realise
that she has put two and two together and worked out that the
married woman in question is none other than Judy.
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Catherine Hayes
Script Copyright Granada Television
Well, how was it for me?
The continuing difficulty of Jim coming to terms with
his disability was a continuing thread in this episode - the
despair, the helplessness, the inability to face the future,
were all there, as were the dangers of outsiders treating disabled
people in a patronising manner (aka as "Does he take sugar?")
as portrayed superbly by Audrey.
The Des/Samantha saga rumbled on unconvincingly and
light comedy was being provided by Les Battersby and with whomever
he was in contact. As we see a storyline emerging for Judy, as
her "cash for nookie" one-night stand looks like being
I've known better, has to be the verdict on this one.
So until I see ya next week, take care
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ (Alan)
Ahoy shipmates ! Back for another trip round the bay
on the good ship Corry.
Sunday 7 June
As we are getting stuck in a bit of jam of updates,
I am rattling this one out somewhat hastily. It's not been long
since the previous one, and as a result nothing particularly
exciting has been happening in the real world. (Also known as
the alternative reality.)
I did attend a funeral last week, of a friend and
ex-colleague who died of liver and kidney failure at 33. This
was the first funeral I had attended for anyone who wasn't at
least 75 when they departed. As a result, there were a lot more
people at the service of my age or thereabouts (that's sort of
21 and a bit, for the curious) and it was a sobering experience
to see older relatives paying their respects to someone who was
really only just getting into his stride. His father stood and
talked to us all quite brilliantly for about 10 minutes, reminiscing
about things that had been said by his son, and about him, from
childhood to adulthood, in health and latterly in sickness. Perhaps
the fact that his son had been ill for nearly five years had
helped to prepare him for the end, certainly I found it difficult
to imagine how any parent could remain together, even humorous,
on such an occasion. The service began and ended with the original
theme to "Star Trek" - something for us all to smile
about, however briefly. Just to bring things back on-topic, as
it were, Mark was a Corry fan too. So long, mate.
Speaking of which...
Natalie and Alec rush into a hospital casualty area, and Natalie
interrupts the admissions clerk, who is busy "processing"
another patient, demanding to know what has happened to Tony,
is he still on life support, for God's sake never mind this sprained
ankle in front, where is my son ?? The man behind the desk looks
confused as he determines that no-one of that name has been admitted,
and in fact they have seen no road traffic accidents at all that
day. Now it is Natalie's turn to look confused. The clerk [this
sounds demeaning doesn't it, someone help me out...] goes off
to find someone to check other hospitals in the Leeds area.
Meanwhile, no-one's friend, Samantha, is carrying a
pet box into Curly's house. It doesn't appear to be empty... Then
again, it's on the small side for a tiger !
Leanne is relaxing in the conservatory, listening to
the Spice Girls on her Walkman. She is startled as a face appears
at the window and bellows a greeting. As Nick rushes to the rescue,
we see it is only Fred, come to plant out some bedding plants
in the garden. [Someone less like Darren Essex, it is hard to
imagine.] Nick comforts her, but not enough to stop Leanne ending
up in tears, still terrified at the thought of Darren returning.
A hospital administrator assures Natalie that no hospital
in the area has any record of Tony as a patient. Natalie still
cannot understand what is going on, but wisely decides to try
phoning her son. He is at home, and clearly hasn't been in any
accident at all.
Our first visit to the Rovers finds Kevin and Sally
getting no news on the Tony crisis, and Sally chats with Janice
while Kevin gets the drinks in [I'm glad it's not just me - Mrs
L is always first to the seats and last to the bar too !]. Greg
arrives and tries to apologise to Janice for the troubles between
her and Les. Janice firmly believes it's all Les' fault anyway.
She leaves Greg talking to Sally, and in no time at all we can
sense an increased rush of hormones in both parties. Kevin interrupts
the cosy two-some and suggests to Sally that they should buy out
Natalie's share of the garage with Sally's mum's money. Sally
goes somewhat ape at the idea. [I lost the plot a little bit here,
not really sure why she was like this.]
Nick is still trying to calm Leanne down. They agree
that the only sensible thing to do is to go to the police and
tell them what has happened. [Well you see, I thought it'd be
a good idea to write to this convicted murderer and tell him how
much I admired him, dropped in a saucy photo or two, can't think
why he was so funny about it...]
Back at the hospital, Natalie and Alec are just leaving.
She asks him to give her a lift to Tony's house. She is convinced
that the whole episode is a deliberate hoax, and that she has
a good idea who knows more than they are letting on.
Surprise, surprise, BT are running an ad on nuisance calls ! Obviously
a bit of inside knowledge changed hands there. [I've never had
call to pursue anything like this myself, although I was once
woken up at about 4 in the morning by some hysterical nutter woman
telling me that if I did "something" again, she was
going to sort out me out "and no mistake". I had to
get the phone down quick before Mrs L surfaced ! Oh, and one night
we got about 8 calls in succession from a fax machine - I did
call the operator about this one to be told they couldn't help.
This was only about 2 weeks before the start of the 1471 service
where *I* could try to determine the caller's number, couldn't
help me my arse !!]
The ads were all pretty crap as usual. I suspect this
is probably one of the most expensive slots for advertisers -
what does it mean when they're generally so awful to watch, but
have the largest budgets ?
It is clearly the next day. Chez Webster, Kevin is chewing Rowsie
out for breaking her roller skates. The girls are despatched to
the front room in traditional style while Kevin asks Sally to
take them swimming as he has lots of paperwork to do before he
approaches the bank manager for a loan. Sally relents and offers
her mum's money after all. Kevin is pleased, although Sally appears
somewhat less enthusiastic.
Outside, Sally bumps into Janice, who asks her for
a lift to the supermarket seeing as Les can't driver her himself.
We are treated to a glimpse of Squire Battersby's new mobile abode,
parked right outside his house and getting tattier by the minute.
It is more of an eyesore than the Mallett's stone cladding !
Alec visits Samantha at Curly's house. [We learn that
Curly is currently away on a course - in real life, Kevin Kennedy
fainted in the street in some recent rare sunshine and had a nasty
head injury.] Sam apologises for still being in her nightwear
[unfortunately for us it is full head-to-toe stuff and nothing
like what she was wearing in FHM !]. She enquires after Tony and
Alec tells her of the hoax call. Asked if she recognised the "voice",
all she can remember is that it was female. Alec's mobile rings,
so he adjourns to the kitchen as the doorbell rings again - this
time it is Natalie. Let hostilities commence !!
At the police station, Leanne and Nick are explaining
to a CID officer how Darren forced his way into their home and
threatened Leanne. The story is a little riddled with holes, which
Nick does his best to fill in as the policeman asks why they waited
so long before coming to see him. He pointedly wonders if there
is something they are not telling him about, and in a rare flash
of inspiration, Nick convinces him that they are trying to protect
Gail, who knows nothing of Darren's release. "But surely
if she had known that he'd go straight back to prison...".
It is explained to the hapless pair that Darren has only been
released "on licence". At the first hint of trouble,
he will be straight back inside. The police will start looking
for him immediately. Nick is pleased.
Tempers flare at Curly's house as Natalie accuses Samantha
of having faked everything. As Samantha continues to press her
innocence, Natalie suggests she "stop acting, you stupid
cow". [Yesss !] Alec appears from the kitchen, and the Orange
one pretends to cry on his shoulder, claiming that she doesn't
know why Natalie is being so nasty to her. Natalie leaves, but
not before leaving Sam with a stinging rebuke. [See below.]
Inside his bijou residence, Les is cooking breakfast
to the strains of Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". He is
not having much luck as he knocks the frying pan onto the floor.
Janice appears outside and he greets her cheerily, suggesting
that he is having a great time on his own. Leanne and Nick walk
by, telling Janice that "not much is happening" at the
moment. Janice invites them over any time, as it is "nice
an' quiet" inside. [Sans Les !]
Z's all round as Greg and Maxine chat in the pub. He
is about to disappear for a fortnight, which is a shame, says
Maxine, as Fiona's flat is empty at the moment. [Perhaps not quite
as empty as the Muppet's head, mind you.] Greg tells Max that
she must think about getting her own place. In the background,
Les is telling anyone who will listen that he is the luckiest
man alive - his own place, and no wife around to nag him all the
Natalie arrives, wanting a word with Alec and Betty.
She tells them of her belief that Samantha was behind the hoax
call. They are not convinced, but Natalie says she will not work
with the psycho any more. As Alec blusters, she quits there and
then, and leaves.
Greg arrives at the salon, booze in hand. He has decided
to take up Maxine's offer for the night. Fortunately, we are only
witness to a smooch at the door...
Natalie is back home, looking for Tiger [that's her
cat, just in case it had slipped by unnoticed]. She tries to call
Des, but only gets his answer phone. Tiger still doesn't appear,
and Natalie breaks down, alone with the troubles.
In a final scene in the Rovers, Samantha continues
to persuade Betty of her innocence, and reveals that she now recognises
the voice of the cruel hoaxer. "It was her", she says,
looking at [dramatic pause] Sally !!
This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.
This update seems short this week, and looking at
my notes I see that I have little more than half the usual volume
of scribblings. A rather mundane episode only enlivened by Denise
Welch, whose playing of the victimised Natalie gets better and
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **
Best line: Natalie leaves Samantha with the observation
that she "could slap your face, you smarmy little bitch
!". Go, Nat, go...
Best scene: Natalie letting rip at Samantha. This
is immediately followed by the worst scene, as Orange Girl pretends
to be hurt by her remarks.
It's straight back to the video for me to get next
Sunday's update done before we fall as far behind as the Canadians
It's breakfast at the Webster's, and the gurrrllllls
are fighting at the table. Kevin, naturally, gets snappy with
them and sends them upstairs. He remarks to Sally that he doesn't
know what's got into them. Sally reminds him that they've just
lost their Grandma. Kevin goes all thoughtful, and realises that
he hasn't considered it from their position - 'I remember how
upset they were when their hamster died. D'you think we should
get 'em a goldfish or something?' This lack of compassion is incomprehensible
to Sally. He goes on to rush her into getting the house on the
market, but Sally wants to stall it, she can't envisage anybody
else living there - 'I'm still grieving, Kevin'.
Alec and Betty are putting the World to rights over
a cup of tea. Alec is moaning that it is inconsiderate of Jack
& Vera to go off on holiday to North Wales, after all, they've
only just got back from Las Vegas (but that was before your last
holiday, to Switzerland, wasn't it, Alec?). They discuss Natalie
giving in her notice, and Alec muses over how Natalie is everything
one could wish for in a barmaid - a natural, looks, empathy, efficiency.
Realising he's digging himself deeper into a hole he explains
that Natalie reaches the high standards that have already been
set by Betty. They comment on how Natalie has no proof that the
hoax hospital call was Sam, and Betty reluctantly (at first) divulges
how Sam now thinks she recognised the voice as Sally Webster's.
Alec realises that it is possible, it would make sense for Sally
to be vindictive. Then his face brightens as he realises that
if it was Sally not Natalie, then Natalie can come back to work!
Gareh comes down to breakfast to find RJudeh has morning
sickness, and is right off her breakfast. They joke how he ought
to try getting pregnant, but R Gareh politely declines, saying
that he'll stay faithful to her. RJudeh is thinking of Zoe - she
went through all this and then lost RShannon Jade. There's a knock
at the door, it's Les, come to beg the use of their bathroom.
Seeing RJudeh's uneaten cooky brekky he sits down and finishes
Alec has called on Sam at Curly's, supposedly not to
defend Natalie, but his conversation is interrupted by his sneezing
- could he be allergic to the cat of whose presence he is unaware?
Les has performed his ablutions, and comments that
it's good to know who his mates are, in his time of need. He reminds
them that they have a spare room, but his hopes are dashed when
RJudeh explains that that room will be for the Babeh. 'Yes, of
course.' he says, sadly, 'I used to have a family'.
Studley 2 and Maxime descend the stairs from the flat
above the salon. 'How was it for you, last night?' she asks. 'Yeah,
fine' replies Studley. What could they be talking about? She pointedly
reminds him that a bit of osculation is in order before he leaves,
but they are stopped in mid-snog by the arrival of RAudreh 'Don't
mind me, finish yer breakfast'. Maxime tells her that Greg is
'serious'. Not how it looks to us, eh readers?
Natalie enters the Rovers, come to collect her outstanding
wages. Betty suggests that the whole episode might be a misunderstanding
- what if she were to find out that it was someone else who called?
Sam, lugging crates in, overhears this, and stops Betty repeating
the confidence. Alec calls from the back, so Betty goes off leaving
Sam to tell Natalie that the voice she heard was Sally.
At Underworld, the girls are practising their line
dancing skills, accompanied by 'The Woolpackers' from Emmerdale.
Mike's away so they're playing - Janice has it all sussed, Greg's
away as well. Sally asks how long he's away for, and RJanice wonders
why she's so interested in him? Janice warns her to keep away
because Greg has Battersby blood, and all that entails.... Janice
isn't missing Les, and reckons he's having a great time in the
camper van. But she won't have him back, and just to be sure she's
changed the locks.
Les is trying to tune the reception on his portable
TV - best reception is gained when he wedges his aerial behind
the fall pipe of his former home. Unfortunately several feet of
co-axial cable are then at waist height between camper and house.
Farce alert: cue in-line skater haring down the street. Les has
just settled to watch Children's TV when the cable is ripped from
the aerial by the passing skater.
Natalie calls on Kevin, to find out whether Sally is
mentally stable, and whether she still bears a grudge. Kevin tries
to support Sally in her grief over her Mother by telling Natalie
that 'if you were on fire she wouldn't..... she wouldn't go out
of her way to put you out. Does that help?' 'Yeah, thanks' says
Natalie, turning to go.
END OF PART ONE
Maxime is drinking alone at the bar, but is about to
leave. Ashley bursts in, needing a chat with her. He tells her
that he's bringing Zoe back tomorrow, and wants to clear the air
with Fiona first. Maxime warns him not to expect a welcoming committee.
As she leaves, Les arrives, furtively carrying a green
bag. Betty has him sussed - she can see that he's going into the
Gents to wash his smalls, and she won't permit it as the facilities
are for paying customers. 'Have a heart, Betty' pleads our Hero,
'Hoppit' says the Weatherfield Witch.
Sam is playing the victim, she doesn't feel well. Betty
encourages her to go home, because it takes more than five minutes
to get over a miscarriage. Sam obviously has got over the miscarriage
that never was, because now she's blaming her condition on' all
this business, with Natalie, and Sally. And she hasn't slept!.
All together now, Aaaaahh. Betty sends her away to get her head
Ashley returns to the shop to some sarcasm about his
timekeeping from Uncle Fred. Ashley explains that he's been to
see Fiona to explain that Zoe is coming home tomorrow. Fred is
horrified that Zoe is coming home: 'I'm all in favour of Care
in the Community, our Ashley, as long as they keep 'em in hospital,
where they belong, out of harm's way.' Maud tells Ashley to take
no notice of Fred, but to be aware that getting back with Zoe
might be difficult as 'folk with kiddies will steer well clear
of her. You mark my words'. Ashley hadn't thought of that.
Sally and the gurrrrllls are walking home. Rosie is
asking to have packed lunches for school because all her friends
do. Sally rejects this because she wants her gurrrrllls to have
proper meals. Baked beans and spaghetti 'oops presumably. Natalie
catches them at the door, and asks if she can have an important
word. Sally tells her to forget the idea of her buying Natalie's
share of the garage - she's just buried her Mother and would she
really want her Mother's money going to her husband's ex-mistress?
'Think again, Natalie'. Natalie doesn't even get to raise the
subject of the hoax phone call.
RJanice finds RToyah looking through her purse, because
she needs a tenner for a school trip. She's three weeks late,
and she doesn't want to be the only one not going. RJanice doesn't
have a tenner, and rejects RToyah's suggestion that she should
get it from Les. 'I'll be the only one not going. I'm a deprived
child'. 'Yeah,' replies Janice, 'well, I'm a single parent.'
Ashley is cleaning up at the House of Elliot, preparatory
to Zoe's return. Leanne is pleased she's coming home. He tells
her and Nick that he hopes they've sorted out the Darren Whately
business with the Police because he doesn't want Zoe being scared
the way Leanne was.
Natalie arrives at Des's. Does anyone else in the World
have plain glass in their front door like Des does? 'Natalie....
What's going on?' he asks, as she enters without a word. Once
he pours the white wine she starts to describe the last 24 hours,
and how it seems now that it was Sally who made the hoax call,
not Sam who made it up.
Les has still got his bag of smalls, and sits down
with Gareh and Judeh. 'Any chance of a bath, tonight? he asks,
to a chorus of 'No'. Judeh wonders what the unsavoury odour is,
which Les soon explains is from his smalls (adding that the ones
he's wearing are a bit beyond their sell by date) 'Haven't you
heard about laundrettes?' asks Gareh. But Les has seen how much
they charge, and it's only a few things. Judeh wins the race with
Gareh to get away to the bar, and Les comments 'y'know, it's hard
bein' a piranha. One o' them social outcasts.......You can't sub
us a pint until payday can you?'
Maxime tells RJudeh that Zoe is back tomorrow. Maxime
is surprised when Judeh is pleased, and will welcome Zoe back.
'She needs support, Maxine' - 'Yeah, well she needn't look in
Des can't believe that Sally Webster was involved,
but Natalie recounts how Sally looked at her with hate in her
eyes - and remembers what Sally did to her bathroom last year.
But the biggest upset in her life is that Tiger has gone missing.
Des comforts her.
At the Webster's, Sally is with the gurrrlls. And guess
what? A nanosecond into the scene and she's sending them upstairs:
'up you go - and no more sulking'. What is the point of having
them in a scene if they're just going to be sent upstairs? Kevin
comes home and Sally demands that he explains what he's been saying
to Natalie. He denies any scheming with Natalie, and tells Sally
that she is 'round the twist. Stark staring bonkers' to even think
Orangina is enjoying a cuppa in the back parlour at
the Rovers. Alec happens by, and checks on her health after the
earlier 'incident'. He asks how she is with Natalie, and learns
that everything is OK, everything is fine. 'Good, good,' he mutters
as he takes his leave, but Sam smiles the knowing smile of the
psychobitch from hell who has more trumps to play......
Episode written by Peter Mills.
Monday 8 June
Dear Update Readers,
Wednesday 10 June
Here is the update - late I'm afraid - for Wednesday
June 10th. No prologue, no 'As I See It', in fact virtually no
superfluous commentary at all.
Sally and Kevin are still bickering over the issue
of her mother's money and his intention to buy Natalie's shares
in the garage. Sally wants to get Natalie out of their lives and
so does Kev, who says that the only way to do this is by using
Sal's inheritance to buy Natalie out. Sally, however, is not so
sure of Kevin's motives.
Ashley, meanwhile, is preparing for Zoe's return to
Coronation Street after a spell in psychiatric care. His enthusiasm
is rewarded by Maud, who presents him with a bunch of flowers
for Zoe, and matched by Judeh, who is keen to welcome Zoe back
into the fold.
Les is still ensconced in his decrepit camper van,
and still trying to assure Janice that he is having the time of
his life. "It's like being on me holidays every day!"
he enthuses. Nevertheless, he still freeloads off all and sundry,
using Gareh and Judeh's loo and generally making a nuisance of
himself. This is eventually too much for Gareh, who gives Les
his loo-paper back and tells him to make alternative arrangements.
Janice agrees with Gareh, although she is not best pleased when
Les gloats that living in the camper van makes him feel like a
single man again. "It's like being on me holidays every day!"
he tells her. But she is unimpressed.
Zoe finally emerges from the loonybin and comes back
to CS, which is only marginally less stressful. Ashley is, of
course, over the moon to see her, as is Leanne, who welcomes her
with a big hug. Ashley tells Zoe that she should relax and put
her feet up, but Zoe has a mission to accomplish. That mission
is to tell Judeh that she knows all about her (i.e Judeh) and
Paul Fisher, and that although she knows, she won't breath a word.
Judeh tries to deny it all at first, but eventually has no option
but to admit that she slept with him for the money. Judeh rips
into Zoe, accusing her of possibly angling for another pay-off
in return for not telling Gareh.
Natalie finally confronts Sally and accuses her of
making the hoax phone call to the Rovers. Sally is absolutely
gobsmacked that Natalie might think such a thing possible of her,
but Natalie reminds her of the damage that Sally caused to her
(i.e. Natalie's) house, thus proving that anything is possible.
Natalie threatens Sally with a solicitor - a move which Kevin
later counters by saying that if Natalie doesn't refrain from
such accusations, he too will consult a solicitor. (I think he
said this just to shut Sally up, given that he was trying to watch
the Scotland match at the time).
And finally, just as she is preparing to go out for
a night on the town with Tilly, Ashley and Zoe, Leanne receives
a phone call. From Darren Whateley. And he's not phoning just
to ask her health, that's for sure.
That's all, folks.
We're way behind with the updates, so no prologue this
week, its straight into the update, sponsored by Cadbury's Milk
The episode commences at the Websters' where Kevin
is asking Sally whether she has made the appointment to see the
solicitor in connection with her inheritance. She tells him that
is going see him today and she might even get him to write Natalie
a letter - a solicitors' letter telling Natalie to stop slandering
Sally . Kevin, obviously, doesn't think this is a good idea, he
feels it is best to ignore her and the sooner they are able to
buy her out, the sooner she'll be out of their lives for good.
Sally still finds it difficult to believe that Samantha said it
was Sally's voice in the phone call (in the mischievous message
for Natalie) and she decides to see Samantha to find out exactly
what she said, if anything at all.
We are back out in the street and Janice is banging
on the door of the Battersby Mobile Residence. She rouses Les
from his slumbers to bring him a present, the post - what goodies
are there? Well, there's the council tax bill and the electricity
bill - in Les' view, it's a clearly a case of "out of sight,
out of mind" as he explains to her that he doesn't pay those
bills anymore because he doesn't live in the house and hands the
bills back to her. He is prepared to meet all his obligations,
"financially and otherwise", if she would be prepared
to have him back. "Get stuffed!" is her riposte!!
Tilly and Leanne are talking. Clearly, she is upset
at Whateley being imprisoned following his visit to her and the
subsequent complaint by Tilly and Leanne to the police. "What
are you so miserable for? He's a murderer, he belongs in prison"
is Tilly's comment. Leanne sees it otherwise as the man has served
his time, he had paid for what he did,. She feels guilty that
they invited him round and set him up and points out that he never
attacked her anyway. But Tilly is obsessed and feels that the
man deserves everything he gets. Leanne is surprised that he was
re-imprisoned, she was only expecting him to get a warning, but
Tilly doesn't fell he should have been let out of the prison in
the first place. He suggests that they forget about it, but Leanne
has a conscience and berates him for being happy to forget about
it, now that he has got what he wants .. she tells him that she
feels awful about it and doesn't want to forget about it.... one
of life's meetings of the minds, not!!
Toyah opens the door to find Les outside. He wants
to be let in "just for five minutes" even though she
has told him that her mum will not allow her to let Les into the
house. He tells her that she will never know as he will be long
gone before she comes back, he wants to sit in a proper chair,
Sally has popped round to see Samantha. She tells her
that she is embarrassed at being there - she asks Sam whether
it is correct that Natalie had accused Sam of making the hoax
phone call. Sam confirms this and adds that she informed Nat that
she had nothing to do with it. Sally tells Sam that now, Nat is
accusing her of being the culprit.. Sam feigns surprise, as our
Sal says "what's more, she said, you put the idea in her
head. Sam tells her that this is ridiculous and that all she had
said to Nat was that the voice had sounded like a woman's - she
says that she knows there is no way Sally could be capable of
doing a thing like that, but Sally points out that Nat clearly
feels that she could and is going round telling everybody just
that. Having successfully managed to convince Sally, Sam unites
the two women in their hatred for all things Nastily!
Les has wheedled his way into the house, resplendent
in his vest and is telling Toyah that they become claustrophobic
after a while - he has sunk into his armchair and is loving every
minute of it and tells her that he has really missed his chair,
"it's like an old friend", he enthuses. Toyah is anxious
for him to depart after he drinks his cuppa, but he has his eyes
set on a kip - she tells him that she is not leaving him there
on his own. He asks whether she will cook him some food - an egg
sandwich as all he's had to eat all week has been cold beans out
of a tin. He explains to her that, yes, there is a cooker, but
it needs gas. Toyah tells him that he's a mess and he agrees and
that he has tried making it up with Janice, but she doesn't want
to know. He tries to enlist Toyah's sympathy saying that it's
always the kids who suffer, Toyah denies any hardship. He asks
to hold Toyah's hand, saying that it won't be long before they
are a family again... Then, just as we're settling into a soppy
mood, he leaps up and says that it's no use being miserable, he's
going upstairs to have a bath. Poor Toyah is flummoxed and doesn't
know how to stop him, as he places his breakfast order for two
fried eggs and a sausage, before leaping upstairs.
Zoe is doing her "Cleaning Windows" routine
out in the street as Gary wanders past - he jokingly tells her
that she needs to put some elbow grease into the job, but she
replies that she hates cleaning windows. Ashley keeps giving her
chores to do, she has to keep busy, she explains. Gary suggests,
tongue in cheek, that she might fancy doing his when she has done
her, but she tells him, he'll be lucky - she's going down to the
job centre later to see if they have any proper jobs. He comments
that she is looking well and that it is good to see her smiling
again - he hopes that things go well for her in the future. He
takes the opportunity ask her what she discussed with Judy, the
other day when she came over. She tells him that she went round
to apologise and that she hoped they could put the past behind
her. When asked why, Gary replies that she was a bit edgy last
night, but Zoe tries to reassure him by saying that Judy is bound
to be wary of him. Across the road, Judy sees Gary talking to
Zoe and puts two and two together - she concludes that they must
be discussing her secret.
At the Rovers, Audrey is telling Fred Elliott that
Alf is packing in his council duties, that he resigned last week,
after much huffing and puffing. "He practically lived down
that town hall" is Fred's surprised response. Audrey continues
to explain that Alf thought it was time to step aside for the
younger generation. Fred announces the surprise decision to Alec
and then asks who is going to steer the Millennium Committee and
Audrey tells him that Alf has been asked to asked to take a back
seat on that. "Give over! He's Mr Millennium" is Fred's
compliment. Audrey tells him that was in the past tense, "Was
Mr Millennium, now he's Mr Parks and Cemetaries!" Fred surmises
that there is more to this than meets the eye, but Audrey is quick
to put him right that there is nothing scandalous. "I mean
dirty tricks! Skullduggery!" corrects Fred and Audrey admits
that Alf "did feel he was being put out to graze, cast aside
to make for the young guns, as Alf calls them." "Since
when has Weatherfield Council had young guns?" asks Fred,
as Audrey tells him that, according to Alfie, the place is teeming
with them, "young men in designer suits, with their mobile
phones". When Fred remonstrates that they are no match for
a man of Alf's experience, Audrey does inform him that "they
are capable of staying awake during the meetings!"
Samantha is telling Natalie to stop apologising and
Natalie tells her that this is very decent of her. Nat then tells
Sam that, to cap it all, her pussy, Tiger, has gone missing and
that she hasn't seen him for days. When Sam tries to explain it
away by saying that cats often go wandering, but Nat says that
Tiger never has done so before. Sam asks whether she has told
the neighbours and Nat says that she's even put photographs of
her pussy on the lamp-posts. Sam says, not to worry and that he
will turn up. Alec sees the girls talking, asks if they have made
up and when they confirm this, he asks whether Nat will want to
come back to work... Sam gives her approval and we're in business.
They finish their conversation by discussing how nasty Sally must
have been to make the hoax phone call, and Nat says that what
is obviously bugging Sally is the prospect of handing over money
to her... she explains the Kevin wishes to buy her share of the
garage, now they can, but they have to use the money Sally inherited
from her mother. Nat isn't bothered where the money is coming
from, "but to a warped mind like hers, I'm twisting the knife
.. first I stole her husband and now I want her money!"
Spider is at the bar ordering a drink and overhears
Fred discussing Alf's virtues as a councillor, with Alec and Audrey,
how he has done everyone proud, how he was a good faithful public
servant, how he stood up for what he believed in, he had a caring
side to him, how they doubt whether any of these whippersnappers
will take his place, how they haven't got the experience or the
political nouse and they know nowt about life. "My money
is on Tambo Mbeki" pipes up Spider, "to take over the
leadership of the ANC, when Nelson Mandela retires.... That is
who we're talking about???" Alec goes into a purple rage
at this "Nelson Mandela?? We're talking about Alf Roberts
resigning from the council!" "Is he?? .. ah well, good
riddance! He was crap!" replies Spider. Audrey is indignant
at this slur against her hubbie, as Spider continues "He
wants to be on trial for crimes against the environment!"
"He's a manner of honour and integrity" replies Fred.
Spider challenges this by saying that Alf wanted to knock down
a Roman Bath House to build a Bandstand. When Fred tries to point
out that nobody knew about this when the plans were drawn up,
Spider counters by saying that Alf knew about the trees and the
holy groundwork. Fred continues to defend Alf, saying that he
was trying to bring jobs to Weatherfield, to provide a focal point
for the Millennium, but this incenses Spider even more and he
accuses of Alf probably being on back-hander from the property
developer! He accuses public figures of all being the same with
their snouts in the trough. When Fred tries to stop the slander,
Spider accuses him of being on the receiving end as well, whereupon
Fred threatens to box his ears. "Ah, clearly I've touched
a raw nerve" concludes Spider.
Judy rushes over to Zoe's to find out what she was
discussing with Gary. Zoe tells her that Gary wanted to know why
she had been round to see Judy. She denies that she told Gary
anything about the baby and says that Gary was worried if she
had upset her. Judy tells her that she hadn't slept a wink last
night, but Zoe insists that the only reason she said anything
was that she felt so awful about what driven Judy to her infidelity.
She adds that she now wishes she'd kept her mouth shout, but Judy
says that it was Paul Fisher who shouldn't have said anything.
Zoe tries to reassure Judy that her secret is safe, but Judy replies
that secrets are never safe, they have a nasty habit of coming
out when you least expect them. Zoe promises she will never tells
anyone, but Judy is not convinced - she asks "Can you promise
me and you are never gonna fall out? Can you promise me that you're
never gonna get ill or get drunk and let it slip to one of your
mates or let is slip to Gary?" "Well if you don't trust
me" replies Zoe, to which Judy retorts "Zoe, you're
the last person in the world that I trust!" She realises
her comment has caused offence and recognises that Zoe has been
through a lot, but her marriage is stake here, there is always
the chance that it might come out and that she cannot take that
risk. The is only one thing she can do...
Samantha has called round to see Sally, who is just
on her way out to the shops. She asks Sally whether there this
something going on regarding business between Sally and Natalie.
Sally confirms that they are buying out Natalie's share of the
business, using the money her mother left her in her will. Sam
dishes the poison out by saying that if she were her, then she'd
be very careful about handing any money over to Natalie. She makes
out she's reluctant to say more and Sally takes the bait... she
persuades Samantha to tell all. She says she overheard Natalie
on the phone the other day, plotting with Kevin, for the two of
them to run away together....
... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end
of part 1
Friday 12 June
Sally is gobsmacked - she cannot believe what she is hearing but
Samantha, ever the good friend, has felt it her duty to let her
At the Battersbys, Janice is on her way back home..
Toyah sneaks Les out through the back door. Janice smells a rat
pretty quickly in form of Les' talc.. then she sees the remnants
of the food Les has been eating... Toyah denies that Les was ever
there but Janice has got her sussed, "partial to a bit of
bacon, all of a sudden are you?" she asks, "been smoking
fags and all have you?" Toyah confesses that she felt sorry
for Les and explains that he had a bath and some breakfast. She
is so irritated at the thought of Les making a fool out of her
that she decides to take revenge by phoning the police "there
is no way that that piece of junk out there is legal", she
says, referring to Les' campervan.
Sally is recounting Samantha's tale to Rita. The Big
Red One is not convinced, but Sally maintains that she had to
drag the information out of her, she felt sorry for her. Sally
confesses that she has had doubts about Kevin for a long time
and that they have been at each others' throats half the time.
She recalls how Kevin was so keen to get his hands on her mother's
money, now she knows why. Rita is not convinced that Kevin would
up roots totally, but Sally is convinced. Rita advises that she
needs to confront Kevin, but Sally thinks this is pointless....
so Kevin can lie to her, he could look her straight in the eye,
accuse her for being paranoid.... no, this time she is not going
to give him the chance ...
At the Malletts, Judy confronts Gary with the news
that there is something she has to tell him.. he is relieved because
of the way she has been mooching around. She has a confession
to make and she tells him that he is really going to be angry
when she tells him..... there was a catch to the offer of money
from Paul Fisher...
Back at the Rovers, Fred espies Spider.. "eh up,
he's back again, Stig of the Dump!" Cue for change of underpants
at the Milewczyk household as we all rotfloao (roll on the floor
laughing our asses off!).... Gawd, Fred is a Star!!!!!!! He tackles
Spider for an apology but initially, Spider is unrepentant ...
realising he's caused offence, Spider apologies if he has upset
Audrey personally, but clarifies that it is time somebody spoke
out against the idiocy and short-sightedness of the council's
policies on the environment. Audrey gets in a cheap jibe about
it being time for Spider to have a bath, but our eco-warrior is
in overdrive.... Fred gets worked up and tells Spider that if
he feels so strongly about it, why doesn't he stand for the council
himself... convinced that Spider has no intention of doing so,
he doesn't hear Spider saying that he might consider doing just
that.... The penny suddenly drops as Spider announces that he
will stand as the Independent Green candidate in the forthcoming
by-election.. "anyone can stand as this is a democracy, actually
I think this is a self-perpetuating oligarchy, but that's something
I'll be seeking to change.. eventually." When Fred points
out it was only earlier this morning that Spider was criticising
the council saying it was rotten, Spider counters that the way
to change it is from the inside. Fred cannot believe he is serious,
but Spider admits that he has been in the library all afternoon
drawing up a manifesto and policies... if he's elected he'll ban
all unnecessary car use and declare Weatherfield a meat-free zone....
One of the priceless moments of the show is the look on Fred's
face.... And the slogan "Spider Nugent, the local man with
the global view...."
Gary has been told the sorry tale of how Judy slept
with Paul Fisher for the money.. when Judy says she did it for
them, Gary is upset.. she continues to say that he took advantage
of her and that she was desperate for the money, she thought they
were going to lose Katie.. Gary finds it all very difficult to
take in, as Judy is desperate to salvage her marriage .. she wasn't
thinking straight, she is so sorry, she shouldn't have done it,
she has regretted it ever since, she hated every minute of it,
she is disgusted with herself, even he regretted it afterwards....
Gary is not impressed "and that's supposed to make me feel
better is it? You slept with Paul Fisher... " He gets up
and Judy gets hold of him but he wants nothing further to do with
her and tells her that they are finished... he walks out of the
house, leaving Judy looking distraught....
Audrey thinks Spider has a cheek standing for the council,
but Fred is not convinced he will stand and even of he does, nobody
will vote for him. Audrey that somebody will stand against him,
somebody sensible?? "Who?" says Fred "folk round
here are very apathetic!" and when Audrey suggests him, his
reply is "Me? I'm the most apathetic of the lot!" Audrey
tires to convince him that if Spider were to be elected then that
would cast a slur on Alf, but Fred sees that as "the rough
and tumble of local politics. Besides, I've two shops to run!"
Audrey is desperate to enlist a volunteer - Alec Gilroy is next
in line, but he turns down the offer saying that he is not a political
animal. Realising no-one else will stand, Audrey announces that
SHE will stand to a disbelieving chorus of "You????"
from everyone with a hundred mile radius of the Rovers.... She
reminds them it is a democracy and says that if folks are daft
enough to vote for them, then she's sure that she can persuade
just one or two of them to vote for her!!! Scene ends with incredulous
looks on everyone's face.. it reminds me of the time a former
boss of my wife told her "You're not as daft as you look!"
Kevin has come home and sees her packing her bags.
When he asks what she is doing, she tells him "I'm packing
a bag, what does it look like I'm doing....?" He asks what
is going on... she tells him that she has packed a few things
and she'll be over for the rest.. she tells him she's going to
Rita's .. "the girls are already over there... there's no
point pestering us ... we won't come back, my mind's made up."
Kevin is totally bewildered.. yes, I know, I hear you say, what's
new? But even for Kevin, this is something else.. he asks what
is going on.. Sally tells him he knows exactly what is going on
and he mustn't insult her by pretending that he doesn't.. she
storms out of the house, leaving Kevin looking even more puzzled
and bewildered than normal, except for once he has every reason
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Mark Wadlow
Script Copyright Granada Television
Well, how was it for me?
Light comedy provided by the Battersbys, especially
Star quality by Fred Elliott, I say..... that man
can do no wrong...
Boredom and tedious storyline by Samantha...
Gary Mercer, absolutely devastated by the news of
Judy's infidelity, shows the lad's acting ability, you just cannot
help but feel for him....
And that's it for now.. ..so until I see ya next week,
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^
Sunday 14 June
I bring you this week's epistle from my sick-bed.
Well, to be slightly more accurate I have dragged my backside
into work for a couple of hours under the pretext of sorting
out a few bits and pieces. But I probably ought to have stayed
at home and rendered my brain numb with endless hours of the
Teletubbies and Good Morning and pro-am cookery programmes. The
troubles is, I have been wheezing and a-coughing since Saturday
and it is doing my head in hanging around the house like the
spare proverbial. I'd much rather being doing something constructive
- this'll do nicely.
I'd like to send out a collective thank-you to all
the kind folks on the mailing lists who have at one time or other
sent me an e-mail in response to my updates. Be they appreciative,
or pointing out mistakes or omissions of one sort or another,
or downright "where the hell are all the updates" inquisitive,
all are welcome. I hope I have replied, in time, to every one,
but in case I have missed *yours*, my sincere apologies. There
would have been no offence intended, it probably just got lost
in the clutter of my mail system.
Nothing much seems to have been happening lately (well,
since the last effort), with perhaps the noticeable exception
of the World Cup. Now look, I'm sorry if that just broke some
unwritten rule, but I never declared this area a football-free
zone, and I'm not going start now. Personally, I hated the game
at school, it was reserved for the days when the weather was
so crappy that nothing else was on but soccer or rugby. As I
was a little on the small side then, and couldn't run fast, I
invariably ended up stuck in defence, hanging about getting colder
and colder until the time came to attempt a feeble tackle on
some incoming mobile mountain, usually ending up sprawling about
in the mud. (I think I can *still* recall the stinging pain of
a soaking wet leather ball smacking me somewhere on some foolishly
exposed flesh.) Anyway, I managed to continue to ignore the daft
game until a couple of years ago when my son started to get occasional,
free, tickets to local matches through a League/schools initiative.
Surprisingly, I found myself rather enjoying the matches - probably
easier to do in the lower orders of the League where no-one is
poncing about getting paid £300 a minute to sport a sponsors'
shirt and a daft haircut. Plus, you get to sit about 20 feet
from the touchlines, which is a whole different perspective from
the birds eye view from many televised matches. Confessions of
a closet football fan.
You will be able to deduce (if you haven't fallen
asleep by now) the date today (as I write this) if I tell you
that it is crunch time for the brave hearts of the Scotland team
tonight, and merely hours after the comedic tragedy of England
doing what they do best - snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
How I laughed when the second Romanian goal went in...
And on that cruel note, let's relax and enjoy another
half hour or so in the company of the Street regulars.
Kevin is attempting to wake the entire Street by banging on Rita's
door. She answers it, but is unsympathetic to his pleading to
be allowed to see Sally, who is staying there with the girls.
[Let's hope Rita is well- stocked with spaghetti hoops !] Apparently,
Sally does *not* want to see or speak to Kevin. He asks Rita to
pass on the message that he is in the dark about what he is supposed
to have done, and she agrees, although it rather looks as if she
doesn't believe him either.
Judeh is on the phone (to a friend, a relative, we
know not which) trying to track down Gareh. With no luck. Just
then, there is a knock at her door, and she puts the phone down
quickly to answer it. It's Steve, fresh from another night without
sleep by the look of his face, come to see if Gary is coming into
work that day, or is he still "in his pit ?". [Echoes
of our house here - when the bed is normally occupied, it is "our
bed", but when I am still slumbering and the fair Mrs L is
up, it transmogrifies into "your pit". Charming !] Judy
spins Steve some line about Gary being ill with a stomach bug.
She shuts the door after Steve, and starts to cry.
Back at the Websters' house, Sally walks in. Kevin
looks pleased as he obviously assumes his visit to Rita's has
worked, and asks where the girls are. Sally informs him that they
are not coming home, at least not while he's still there. She
wants Kevin to move out instead. A row ensues. Sally mentions
the solicitor word. And again suggests she knows all about Natalie
and Kevin's schemes. Kevin protests that Sally is living in cloud
cuckoo land - it is all nonsense. He plays the Samantha card but
has failed to notice that Sally is beyond reasonable argument
by now. "You're just after me Mum's money !", she yells
at him. "It'll get Natalie out of our life - I thought that
was what you wanted", Kevin points out. But he may as well
be saying nothing at all, as Sally rants on. Finally, she tells
him that she has not really been happy since they got back together,
and delivers the coup de grace - "We're finished, Kevin".
Les emerges from his pit [rather a flattering term
really] to find Toyah sitting on the front doorstep, enjoying
the sun. She remarks rather caustically that it is gone 12. Les
counters with his "bad back" defence, claiming that
the bed in the camper van is too short for him [to get the full
15 hours' sleep, presumably ?]. He asks Toyah if she will pop
inside and make him a butty.
In no time at all, either. Usual dross, enlivened only by a new
Lucozade ad featuring the Fat Slags and some Chippendale-like
poseurs. [Mail me if you'd like this explained, I think it might
be rather involved for the short space allotted before...
In the Rovers, Audrey is talking to Fred and Alec. Alec asks if
she is seriously thinking of running for the council, and Fred
lays on the flattery in bucketloads. He offers to help - "Owt
Alf can't do, I'd be more than willing...". Oo-err, missus,
whatever does he mean ?
Kevin arrives, looking for Samantha. She's not at work
that day. Des offers to get him a drink, and Kevin initially tries
to head off for a quite corner of the bar to be by himself, but
Des insists. Kevin tells him that Sally has walked out on him.
"It's all a mistake". With no prompting, Des guesses
that Samantha was the one behind the rumour about Kevin and Natalie
getting back together.
Toyah is still sunning herself on what would be the
front porch if this was a posher neighbourhood. Janice appears,
and gives Les' van a good kick to show her disdain for its (and
his) continued presence outside her house. She starts to think
about going to the police to get something done about it...
Greg arrives. We are spared the delightful sight of
him and Maxine getting all gooey, as she is not there. Les clocks
him, and offers him a drink. But, oh dear, what's this ? "Blimey
! I've left me money in the van", sez Les. Greg pays for
Les' drink. Again. [Whyyyy????]
A minor gathering of minor Macdonalds is taking place.
Steve thanks his Mum for taking care of Jim [obviously forgetting
how he nearly took proper care of Jim himself...] and offers to
Natalie arrives behind the bar with a plate of chicken
sandwiches. A nice line ensues as she establishes that they are
for Fred and Audrey. See later for details. Having delivered these
delights, she is nabbed by Des who tells Kevin to tell Natalie
what has happened between him and Sally. Again, unbidden, Natalie
surmises that Samantha must have been involved. Slowly, the drip
drip of this particular Chinese torture is getting through to
Kevin as he realises that Sam is up to something and he is unwittingly
Fiona is taking Morgan for a walk, and bumps into Zoe
and Ashley. It looks as if Ashley has tried to stop Zoe from saying
anything, but it's no such luck as she blunders in anyway, telling
Fiona how sorry she is about having taken the baby, but that she
would never have hurt him. Fiona is not in a forgiving mood, as
Ashley suspected, and tells Zoe to "stay away".
The doorbell rings at Des' house, and he opens the
door to Sally, not sure why she has been asked over, but much
less than happy to see Kevin and Natalie there as well. "What's
going on ?", she asks, "what are these two doing here".
[With best scowl.] Des and Natalie attempt to explain what has
been happening, but Sally remains unconvinced. She has another
go at Natalie, who remains impressively cool under the onslaught.
Back to the Rovers, where Fred and Audrey seem a little
the worse for drink. Spider is at the bar by now, and Fred engages
in a little banter with him. Spider in turn has a gentle dig at
Audreh, who in some weird manner manages to reply in a distinctly
Brummie accent. [In RL, Audrey has a very plummy voice - I expect
all working class people sound much the same to her...] Spider
tells he that he is standing on important environmental issues,
including air quality. "I doubt if you know what that is",
he says. Audrey fails to engage brain and replies "I'll have
you know, I am a trained hair stylist !". Lovely !!
Toyah advises Les that Janice has indeed gone to the
police about his van. She offers to drive it away for him, but
it looks as if Les has some other plan afoot...
At the police station, the aforementioned Mrs Battersby
is trying to get some action on the topic of Les' abode. It dawns
on the police officer that Les may well be driving the van, while
banned, and his enthusiasm for this "domestic" increases
considerably. Janice realises she might be about to get Les into
real trouble and she tries to backpedal.
Des and Kevin go to Curly's house to see Sam. She tries
on her innocent look, telling them that, yes she did overhear
Kevin and Natalie talking, but only about the garage, and that
was all she told Sally. Kevin begs her to explain this minor misunderstanding
to Sally, but Samantha refuses. She won't be involved in his problems.
Alec arrives [we're not sure why, but it's a convenient plot device
for...] and Sam turns all helpless and grabs him for support,
telling him these two nasty big boys were telling lies about her,
and, no surely not, she thought they might *hit her* ! Alec bundles
Kevin and Des out, who have wisely decided that a retreat is in
order. Samantha dishes more dirt on Natalie and Des, telling Alec
that Des has been telling people that Alec has been harassing
Natalie behind the bar. Alec is furious.
Janice and the police office arrive at the corner shop.
"That's him ?", says the policeman, pointing at Les.
Janice tries another bluff, but it doesn't work. Les is most put
out at being accosted in the street by a policeman [after his
latest miscarriage of justice, you will recall.] The policeman's
thunder is well and truly stolen when we see that Les has removed
the van's wheels, and it is propped up on bricks, not being driven
anywhere at all. The PC leaves. Les rounds on Janice, telling
her this is the worst thing she has ever done. Wonderfully nonplussed,
Janice pokes him in the gut and tells him in no uncertain terms
to drag his van to the scrap heap, and throw himself after it
!! Fred and Audrey throw in a little abuse from the sidelines
Des opens the door to a fuming Alec, who proceeds to
tell him that he won't have these stories spread about, "that's
slander, that is". It doesn't take Des long to twig what's
going on [see, I told you it'd be his turn for the shared brain
soon]. He advises Alec that had he really heard about Natalie
being harassed, the first thing he would have done would have
been to thump the culprit. Alec is deflated. He's been Tango'd
This episode was written by John Stevenson
If I wasn't feeling like s**t at the moment, I'd probably
be trying to work up some invective about the tedious storyline
around Samantha and the various victims of her ever more ridiculous
lies. But I can't, sorry. It was nice to see Spider back, and
Fred Elliott has truly assumed the mantle once belonging to the
incomparable Reg Holdsworth, of being someone who can make you
laugh with just an expression.
All round, improving. Slowly. [Bear with it, things
are looking much better in the next couple of weeks.]
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Best line: Natalie bears the tray of chicken sandwiches
to the bar, and checks with Alec that these *are* for Fred. "Yes",
he replies, "oh, and he also wants...". "...stuffing
!", adds Natalie, "I had noticed !".
Best scene: I'll give the honours to Kevin this week,
who put in a good job of looking both bewildered and really worried
about why he couldn't persuade Sally that nothing was going on
with him and Natalie.
I'll just die quietly here in my corner now. Thanks
As the cat curls on the rooftop we cut to Curly's kitchen
where Tiger is licking an empty saucer. Sam goes to get his food
from the fridge, but there's a knock at the door. It's Des. He
wants to talk to her about the lies she told Alec about him and
Natalie last night. Sam tries to shut the door in his face as
she doesn't want to talk, but his foot stops her. As Des is about
to leave, an unexpected unintentional houseguest steps out into
the street, miaowing as he does. It is not clear whether Des recognises
Tiger, but he picks the cat up, saying 'come to your Uncle Des'.
Perhaps he has realised it is Tiger, though he only calls him
'Puss', and has also realised that Sam has held him hostage.
Sally calls at her own house to find Kevin snatching
breakfast. She announces that she can't stay at Rita's, and the
gurrrls need their own beds; she wants her home back, so she wants
Les emerges from the camper van to greet the dawn.
well, dawn plus four. A passing NSE looks at him and his apparel
distastefully. Janice comes out of the house and comments about
the state of him, how he's a disgrace and is bringing shame on
the family. He tells her that his record could have had him staying
in the Big House if he hadn't had his wits about him when she
brought the Police round. Janice comments that it's a pity that
that didn't happen. She goes off to work. In his rage Les kicks
the wing, which causes the van to teeter precariously on its pile
Kevin is still trying to make Sally believe him that
Sam is lying, and that he and Natalie are not planning anything
other than the sale of her share of the garage. He explains that
Sam's motive is jealousy over Des and Natalie. Sally can't see
how this can have any bearing on her and Kevin. Sally reiterates
that she'll never live under the same roof as Kevin again, and
he repeats that he won't move out of his home because she chooses
to believe some malicious gossip instead of him. He goes off to
the garage telling her that if she's still there when he gets
home, then fine.
A lonely, tearful Judeh is sitting at the kitchen table.
The phone rings, but it's not Gary. It's Paul Fisher checking
up on her absence.
Nurse Mouton is serving meals on wheels to Jim, so
she is. He tries to tell her he doesn't need her charity, he can
just about manage for himself - he can prepare a bowl of cereal
and wash up. 'Another Good Samaritan' says Jim as there's a knock
at the door, only this time it's Judeh, come to ask if he's seen
Gareh, and then explain that Gareh isn't ill, he's walked out
on her. 'Everybody has rows,' says Jim, 'he'll be back, so he
will'. 'Not this time' replies Judeh, ominously, adding that her
condition isn't going to make any difference.
In the back room of the Rovers, Natalie arrives to
speak to Alec. He's been waiting for her to come and explain how
he has been branded as a groper. She tells him that Sam is lying,
because it's what she does best. Alec is sceptical, but Natalie
reminds him of the hoax Tony accident call, how Sam then blamed
Sally, concocted the story about her and Kevin planning to elope
with Sally's inheritance, and all because she can't bear Natalie
being friendly with Des. Alec is almost coming round to believing
her when there's a knock at the back door - it's Des bearing her
feline friend. 'He's been in Curly's...... Samantha had him'.
In the Kabin, Leanne is criticising RJanice for calling
the Police over Les and the Camper Van - 'I know he's a waste
of space, and he can be a right toerag, but you shouldn't have
called the Police'. RJanice is regretting her actions, only that
camper van is an eyesore on her doorstep, and 'I don't want people
thinking we're rubbish'. Leanne can see that she's upset about
more than just the camper, and between the tears RJanice admits
that it's Les. He has no consideration for her or anybody, he
just takes her for granted. 'Any old port in a storm, that's me'.
Tearfully, she goes back to work.
Betty carries in a tray of pies as Natalie and Alec
are setting up the bar, Sam arrives late to a rebuke from Alec.
She asks if 'he's said anything yet,' presumably referring to
the previous night's allegations, Alec says no, but it won't go
unmentioned. Natalie adopt an ingratiating smile as she answers
Sam's question about whether she has found her cat yet. Natalie
says not, although she did see one on the way to work that looked
a bit like Tiger. Sam suggests that sometimes one has to accept
the inevitable, and Natalie nearly manages to force a tear to
play along with her own deception.
Alec comments, in a great missed opportunity of a line
'Well I'm sure we're all very sorry about Natalie's cat, but this
is a pub, not a Wildlife sanctuary - we've pies to serve and pints
to pull.' He could have done a 'Mrs Slocombe' (after all, Mollie
Sugden played Nellie Harvey, Annie Walker's friend) and referred
to 'Natalie's Pussy'
Studley II drives up, and chats with Fiona. He's back
earlier than expected, and Fiona says that she knows somebody
who'll be pleased to see him.
Leanne goes looking for Les, and finds him performing
repairs to the van with parcel tape. She's doing her Henry Kissinger
bit, and suggests that Janice is regretting chucking him out,
and that if he would only do something special, and stop taking
her for granted, she might take him back. She suggests some flowers,
but Les reminds her that he hasn't got the transport any more
to get down the cemetery. Leanne tells him not to be so stupid,
but to send some flowers, delivered to RJanice at work - in front
of all her mates.
I've realised what's been wrong with Les all this time,
apart from his acting. He's always been clean shaven. He looks
far more yobbish with a day's growth.
Muppets 1 and 2 (with Baby Muppet) are chatting outside
the salon. Maxime's going into town to check out flats to let
- she feels she can't live with her mum any longer. Fiona teases
her that that is obviously connected with a certain salesman recently
back in town - Maxime's eyes light up, and she runs off to the
factory to find him.
Betty wants to know what's up with Sam and Natalie.
She knows summat's up, she can smell it. Alec suggests it's best
to keep out of it - 'The wise observe, and the curious get bitten.'
At the bar, Nurse Mouton is recounting the story of
Gareh's disappearance to Steve, and it seems that Liz knows why
he's gone - 'er no, it's not what he's done....'
Des and Kevin arrive together, to see Sam. Natalie
makes herself scarce. Alec tries to defuse the situation by suggesting
that he might not be as good looking as her but he pulls a better
pint, but Sam comes over anyway, saying she has nothing to say
to them. Des plays his trump card, or rather his trump cat, saying
that a dumb animal can put the record straight - cue Natalie bringing
Tiger in and putting him on the bar top. Alec notes that the cat
seems to recognise Samantha - but then it would, as she's had
him hidden in Curly's house for the last four days. Four days?
In The Real World it's been two weeks hasn't it? Realisation begins
to dawn on Sam that she's been rumbled. And no realisation from
Alec that his sneezing when he called at Curly's was due to cat
allergy. A Spoiler for Wednesday perhaps?
END OF PART ONE
'OK' says Sam, 'I took the cat, I made the phone call,
I told a lie. So what?' Alec explains that allegations like that
could ruin his business and Kevin asks why she picked on him.
She tells Alec that he's a dirty old man, and Kevin that he's
pathetic and that Sally didn't take much persuading to believe
her lies. Natalie intervenes, telling Sam that she's a nasty little
girl who likes ruining people's lives - an accusation that gets
returned. Des's fists are about to fly when Alec stops him and
tells Sam that she is fired. 'You can't sack me, you sad little
man - I Quit!' And off she goes.
Chez Battersby, Leanne and Les are studying a pile
of black boxes, that look very much like disco equipment. 'You
break these, and I'll kill you' she tells him. He has an idea
for winning RJanice back.
Back at the bar, our wronged foursome are reliving
the recent occurrences, and discussing the relief that it is all
over. Kevin in particular is keen that Sally should know that
his version was the truth. Alec buys a round to apologise for
not believing Des last night. Actually he calls Betty over (who
has been talking to the wall behind the bar-hatch all through
this scene, indeed since before the adverts). Natalie declines
his uncharacteristically generous offer, saying that there's 'somebody
I have to see, before she goes'. They realise that she means Sam,
Natalie still thinks it's a good idea to go after her.
RAudreh arrives with Fred, I say, RAudreh arrives with
Fred, still wittering about the nerve of Spider to stand for the
council post vacated by Alfeh. It makes her all the more determined
to stand against him. Fred starts to fantasise about Audreh dressed
in Mayoral robes, and how they would cover up her girlish figure.
Fred wonders where it could end if they played their cards right,
but Audrey is already thinking about a new wardrobe. He is being
an outrageous flirt, and offers to become her campaign manager.
'And you'd do all that for me?', she asks. 'There's a lot of things
I could do for you, Audrey' leers Fred. RAudreh finally recognises
Cut to the Street where we see Sam's bike parked next
to Les's camper van. But what's that? What are all the extra lights
on the vehicle? It's the disco lighting kit, on the front bumper.
What is that Les up to?
A florist's van arrives, with a bouquet for RJanice.
She wonders who her admirer is, but Sally spots the greetings
card. RJanice reads it out: 'Some people want a big fast car or
win the Lottery, I just want you back 'cos I'm as sad as I can
be'. The girls laugh.
'I'm not in Love, so don't forget it, I'm just a silly
phase I'm going through........'
Actually, I rushed things there. First we hear the
opening chords of 10cc's 1974 classic (I'll check later - don't
flame me if I forget), then see Les's plimsoll clad feet walking
from the side of the van. As the camera pans up we see the velvet
jacket, frilly shirt and dicky bow. And Les. Doing Karaoke. Priceless.
As he goes into 'It's because.....' he sings it deliberately
off key, and Janice just melts into his arms. Les carries her
off, and over the threshhold. Mike Baldwin comes out, as insensitive
as ever - 'what's all this then, a religious revival?' Sally tells
him what the occasion is, and then we see Les leaning out of the
bedroom window with a lascivious look on his face. Baldwin asks
the obvious question - 'what are they doing up there then?' and
then comments that she'd better not be late back from lunch!
Natalie has called on Sam, and has presumably not noticed
the disco outside. She wants answers: Why did she do it? Why set
out to ruin people's lives? But Sam isn't for answering.
Kevin goes home to catch Sally on her lunchbreak, but
she's not there. He tries at the Kabin, where Rita won't let him
check in the flat. Rita is unsympathetic, and will only say that
she'll tell Sally if and when she sees her. As Kevin leaves, Sally
comes out from the back.
Post coitus, Les is pouring the tea, and RJanice is
enjoying the flowers. She tells him that he's still the only one
for her, he can still do it for her - when he's sober. She agrees
that he can move back in as long as he shifts the van by the weekend.
To celebrate, Les takes her hands and leads her up to the bedroom.
'Not again' says RJanice, not exactly unenthusiastically.....
Outside the Kabin, Studley and Muppet are making a
date, but as Maxime leaves Greg seems more interested in Sally
- he tells her that he doesn't mean to pry, but if there's anything
she wants to talk about...... Sally seems sincere when she thanks
him for his offer.
Orange girl in leathers sits astride her bike. 'What
about you Sammy, just away on your holidays, eh?' Yes, those words
could only have been spoken by Big Jim, who has managed to get
his wheelchair into the Street - funny, when he couldn't get it
through interior doors last week. Anyway, Sam has second thoughts
about leaving just then, and asks Jim to watch her bike (wasn't
it his, previously?) as she walks up the Street.
In the Rovers Ashley asks Mike for a job for Zoe, but
Mike turns him down - 'only Leanne Battersby would be lower down
on my list of prospective employees.' As Zoe is doing an 'I told
you so' routine, Sam arrives and agrees that 'it's pointless around
here, Zoe, I'd get out as soon as you could' As she turns to go,
she tells Des that she /is/ pregnant, she is still carrying his
Back to Jim, where she asks him to say goodbye to Curly
for her, and roars off towards Rosamund Street. Des come running
out of the Rovers crying 'Samantha, Samantha', but it's too late.
Natalie tells him that Sam is lying, she lied about everything
else, but our favourite thwarted father to be realises that 'he'll
Episode written by Ken Blakeson.
Monday 15 June
Dear Update Readers,
Wednesday 17 June
With no further ado, here is the update for Wednesday
It is morning in the Battersby household, and Les and
Janice, still not satiated by their night of unbridled passion,
are still exploring each other's tonsils. A disgusted Toyah looks
on, complaining that she has been kept awake all night by Les's
serenading of Janice with Stevie Wonder songs. Janice tells her
that "music is the food of love", to which Toyah retorts:
"Well you've obviously had a run-in with that E-Coli thingy
then." Les eventually wins Toyah over to their side, however,
when he gives her £5 to go and buy herself some breakfast.
As she departs, the tongue marathon continues apace.
Outside in the Street, Kevin is still trying to impress
on Sally that he has no designs on Natalie and is definitely not
planning to run away with her. Sally remarks that she is virtually
past caring what he does, so long as he keeps his grimy little
paws off her mother's money.
Also treading the hallowed cobbles is Judeh, still
distraught following Gareh's sudden disappearance. Natalie picks
up on Judeh's mood and asks her whether she'd like to talk about
it, and so the two arrange to meet later on for a heart-to-heart.
Les's camper van is still giving various residents
of the Street a lot of grief. Ken Barlow is one of them, and when
he sees Les, he wastes no time in telling him that he has to get
it moved. Les, no longer in need of the van, tells Ken that it
is no longer his problem, and that if the council wish to come
and tow it away, they're more than welcome.
At the House of Elliot, Leanne tells Whoopsie Boy that
she can't stop thinking of Darren Whateley and the way that they've
stitched him up. Whoopsie Boy counters by saying that her thoughts
are wasted on the likes of Whateley: after all, does Darren W
ever think of the man he killed? "My dad's been dead for
nine years," lisps Whoopsie Boy, "and he'll never be
able to come out on parole." (The powers of observation that
this lad has are amazing; nevertheless, the dead *do* sometimes
walk, as Whoopsie Boy himself should know better than most).
Also in the House of Elliot, Ashley tells Zoe that
she needs to get herself down to the Job Centre and find some
form of employment, although Zoe doesn't look that keen.
At the Rovers, Des apologises to Alec for all the grief
caused by Tango Girl. Alec accepts his apology graciously, relieved
that the awful rumours about his being a 'dirty old man' have
finally been dispelled. Des says that the damage done by Tango
Girl is virtually irreparable, especially where his relationship
with Natalie is concerned. Alec is not so sure, and encourages
Des to try for reconciliation with her.
Also in the Rovers, Janice is telling Sally about her
night of passion with Les. Sally is pleased for her, but a little
piqued that she herself is having such a bad time of things. Janice
tells her that if she wants rid of Kevin, all she has to do is
point him in the direction of Les's camper van. Sally's spirits
are lifted momentarily, though, when she exchanges a few pleasantries
with Greg at the bar. [To the person who emailed me to ask whether
the actor who plays Greg is a 'sister', I can say only one thing:
if he isn't, then I'm Ivana Trump].
The Rovers backroom (and I use the word 'backroom'
guardedly because it's unlike any backroom I've ever been in]
is also the setting for a little scene between Kevin and Alec.
Kevin is desperate to convince Sally that he has no designs on
Natalie, and so he begs Alec to tell Sal all about Samantha's
lies and treachery. Alec agrees and so they head off towards the
Webster residence. Sally listens to them and eventually realises
that she had hold of the wrong end of the stick. Having helped
to exonerate Kevin, Alec leaves the couple to kiss and make up.
But there are no kisses and the making-up is shambolic to say
the least: they both realise that their union is past its prime,
and their attempts to show willing are sadly threadbare and unconvincing.
Sally cuts a particularly tragic figure, sitting there dazed in
the ruins of her crumbled marriage.
In the Kabin, Toyah and Janice are thumbing through
some magazines - none of which appeal to them, not even this month's
Cosmo with its ridiculous nude centrefold featuring Whoopsie Boy
in all his 'glory'. Speak of the Devil and he appears, for it
is Whoopsie Boy himself, come to make the peace with Leanne. But
his mission is doomed and she sends him away with a flea in his
Meanwhile, Judeh and Natalie are having their heart-to-heart,
as arranged. After beating around the bush a little, Judeh finally
comes clean and tells Natalie that she slept with Paul Fisher
for £2000, and that this unsavoury little experience is
something that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Natalie
tells her that she shouldn't reproach herself so much. "You've
got to put it behind you," she advises her kindly. [Exactly
the same advice I got many years ago, and I haven't looked back
Back at the Websters, Kevin and Sally are finding it
very difficult to put their past behind them, and the words which
they exchange send Sally running from the house in tears. She
bumps into Greg, who suggests that in order to hide the fact that
she has been crying, she should go into the factory office and
pretend to look for some files. This she does, only to be caught
by Janice - but caught in the nicest sense of the word, because
Janice shows obvious concern over her friend's distraught state.
Greg later joins Sally in the office and, in an attempt to cheer
her up, invites her out for a drink later that evening. Sally
declines, however, giving the usual excuse that she has a home
to run and children to see to.
Zoe, meanwhile, has returned from the Job Centre and
is full of enthusiasm over the number of jobs on the market. What's
more, she's going back tomorrow, when a kind assistant will help
her fill out the forms and tell her what she's qualified for.
Ashley says that in all fairness, she's not really qualified to
do anything. Zoe disagrees: there's always shop work, or even
child-minding. [True, Zoe: I hear the Eappens are looking for
a nanny with your kind of background to replace Louise].
Back at the Rovers, Ken and Audreh are bitching about
the eyesore that is Les's camper van, with Audreh assuring Ken
that once she has a seat on the council, she will make sure that
the van is towed away to the crusher, hopefully with Les still
in it. Janice agrees with Ken that the camper van is a blight
on the landscape, but is adamant that she'll have no-one 'hound'
her Les over it. "Spoken like a 'real' woman!" says
Les, hugging Janice and laughing in Barlow's smarmy face.
Back at the Websters, Sally suggests a little holiday
as a means of patching up their marriage. She would be content
with a week in Rhyll, no doubt, but Kevin suggests a fortnight
in Florida, especially since "the girls would benefit the
most." Sally is not so sure; never having ventured much further
than Scarborough, she feels that Florida is too far away for comfort.
And finally, Des takes Alec's advice and tries for
reconciliation with Natalie. We see them embrace on her doorstep
before she invites him to spend the night....
And that's it, folks. Normal service will be resumed
A relentless pace in an attempt to catch up the backlog,
so again, no prologue this week, its straight into theupdate -
sponsored by Cadbury
The episode commences with Leanne sneaking her visitor's
pass to see Darren Whateley into her bag... Tilly asks her whether
she can get off work early, but she tells a little white lie...
well, OK, a whopper, she's working and not to ask Rita for time
off. Enter St. Ashley, patron saint of lame ducks, to remind them
that if they see Zoe today, then would they remind her that she
has an appointment at the job centre... there's been a rush on
Brain Surgeons and they are clean out, sorry, mustn't be flippant,
there's been nothing of the sort.... nobody is interested in picking
up that particular ball... Tilly tries to be assertive, but Leanne
tells him not to ask Rita or even bother coming into the shop,
as she (Leanne) will be working all day. Zoe surfaces and her
minder reminds her about the job interview... not that she can
see any point. Ash points out that she seemed keen, but she reminds
him, that was yesterday... she doesn't really want to be a cleaner
or usherette. Helpful Tilly points out that this is a good wheeze,
you get to see all the films for free, but all she can see is
the prospect of seeing the films three times a day for week until
you know them backwards... (at this point, I realise that this
might be the ideal job for Simon... I mean whenever he records
a film on video he play that back umpteen times... hmm, nope,
maybe not, him in a pinnie with high heels, nope, I don't see
it .....) when Zoe disappears, RAsh says that she's always down
first thing in the morning, she'll cheer up.
"So, me and mummy was thinking" says the
grammatically and politically incorrect Kevin to the brats "
and we thought the Lake District for the nice walks!" Sounds
OK to me, but not for the brats. "Or Scotland for the views!"
Hey now this is getting better and better.. I mean, I would rate
Scotland alongside Poland or Canada, as a nomination for God's
Own Country..... but no! He's taking the p**s! "Alright,
how about America?" is greeted with great cheers all round,
except from Sally. She's determined not to enjoy her mum's money
(yep, tell me about guilt) and is looking to throw any obstacle
in Kev's way, but RKev has undergone a remarkable transmogrification
(if that's the right word!!) - he's turned into Action Man!! Yes,
he's going to book the holiday this morning! Problem? What problem??
Sally tries to get the girls upstairs, so that she can give him
a pasting, but he's determined to win the set and comes in on
the advantage point by telling the kids that they're going for
two weeks - rejoicing all round from the brats, as we hear the
sound fo a rug being pulled fast and hard. As they go upstairs,
Sally lays into Kev... she's not sure whether they are going to
be able to book anywhere, but Action Man sees no such problems...
have wife's money, will travel!! She's cheesed off that he's announcing
it as definite, but that's just a matter of time, as far as he's
concerned, in fact, dinner-time (lunchtime to the civilised world!).
"Think positive!" is his clarion call.
Back at Nastily Mansions, Desi looks worn out after
a night of passion, but there's plenty more where that came from.
"Are we still be friends?" is his question.. strange
question to ask after a night of advanced mattress testing. "Friends
and lovers? Don't we have to make a choice?" she teases....
Desi reckons that friendship is over-rated (my mind starts wandering
to the Monty Python "Nudge Nudge.. say no more!" sketch...
woohoo!) and Nasty doesn't really want to choose right now (after
all, don't you have to go all round the clock before you make
your mind up??) She'll let him know... but, in the meantime, there's
more road-testing to be done, as she plants a smacker on his lips.
Anyway, she needs to get to work at the Rovers. Our gallant knight
offers her a lift - she's not sure whether them being seen together
is a good thing - but he has no doubts... after all, he was just
passing the bus-stop and offered her a lift. She agrees this is
a good course of action, even though no-one will believe it. (
I must say, that the great thing about their relationship, for
me, is that you can just picture the rampant passionate sex....
At T'Kabin, Leanne is talking to Rita about prison
visits, as you do. Leanne is telling Rita that she needs a couple
of hours off this afternoon and explains that RDarren is banged
up in the Big Highse again, he was only out on licence.. which
means that he only stays free as long as he behaves himself, to
which Reet quips that there are a lot of marriages like that.
Rita is horrified when Leanne tells her that she has arranged
a visit. Leanne has a conscience and just needs to talk to Darren
and explain why it all happened. (Good lass! I mean, she might
come from a family of scumbags, but clearly, she has some morals
and redeeming features!) Anyway Rita is envisaging the reception
Leanne will get in the nick, after all this was the guy who frightened
her, well her feelings might do her credit but what can she actually
In the middle of all of this Zoe wanders in to have
"twenty of whatever's cheapest" (hmm, you can see Rita
reaching for the Paraquat Lozenges...). Leanne reminds her that
she has an appointment, but Zoe cannot see the point, because
you need to go to college and get some qualifications. When Rita
asks why doesn't she do just that, she says all she wants is a
job, in fact, she doesn't even want a job, just lots of money!!
Exit stage left with customary packet of fags...
Leanne shows Rita the authority letter she has received
to visit Whateley, but Rita pleads with her not to go. Clearly,
Leanne has a conscience...
Des drops off Natalie outside the pub and announces
to the world that he's just giving her a lift.... As he's walking
with a pronounced limp (Joke! Joke!), we know better. She is embarrassed,
or is it flattered, whatever... the night has brought a glow to
her cheeks, and her face has a bit more colour too!
As she wanders to the pub, she passes Zoe sitting in
the gutter (no change there!), having a cigarette. She decides
to confront her and tells her about her conversation she'd had
with Judy Mallett. She tells her that she hopes she is proud of
what she's done to Judy's marriage. Zoe makes out that she doesn't
know what Natalie is on about, until Nasty tells her that Gary
walked out on Judy. "Yes, Gary, who'd have been none wiser
had you kept your big mouth shut!"
Outside the garage, RKev accosts Mike Baldwin. He tells
him that they are hoping to go to Florida on holiday and he needs
a favour... would it be OK if Sally could change her holiday,
if she needed to... Mike agrees on condition that "that lot"
(referring to his workforce) don't get to hear about it.
Zoe sees Steve in the street... she tries to pump him
for information about Gary and whether he has split up with Judy.
When Steve tells her that it is none of his business, she recognises
this as an admission of fact.
Maxime, Audrey and Fee are talking about flats and
houses. Steve tells Max that the cheapest is £30,000, which
provokes some shock from Max, who tells him that she cannot afford
that. "Well stay at your mum's and save up" is Fee's
response, but that doesn't appear to be what Maxime wants. Anyway,
Audrey suddenly has rush of blood to the head and suggests that
RMax talks to Fred Elliott, as there is an empty abode above the
corner shop, now that Chris has gone.
Leanne is about to go out to visit Whateley, obviously
full of mixed feelings... a gal's got do what a gal's got do,
so Rita warns her that she must be careful....
Back at the Rovers, after her night of passion, Natalie
asks BettyHotPot what she thinks of Des. "Lovely! Very genuine!"
is Betty's character assessment. "Trouble with him, though,
is he picks the wrong women!" When N looks for an explanation,
Betty obliges "Flirty type, you know, here today, gone tomorrow!
What Des'd really like is to settle down!"
The two Muppets come in and see Fred, I say, they see
Fred. Fee instructs Maxime on what to say to Fred....
Sally is annoyed at Kevin sorting out her holiday arrangements
behind her back, Baldwin is her boss, not his. Anyway, Action
Man couldn't afford to hang around and he's booked the holiday.
Baldwin comes in on cue, looking for praise as to what a generous
employer he is, but Sally tells him that she has just heard about
Fred confirms that there is no-one in the flat and
agrees provisionally to let it at the same rent that Chris Collins
was paying. He suggests the Max sees him about it next week.
Baldwin has a moan with Fred about Sally, how he has
given her two weeks off for a super holiday with the family and
she's giving me that look of "what's the catch, what's in
it for you?" "Very cynical world these days", says
Fred, as Mike continues to say that he was about to tell her,
but decided not to... He wants to have the feeling that she owes
him something when they have their next wage negotiations.
We are at the Prison and Leanne has come to visit Whateley.
She sees him across the room and walks over
... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end
of part 1
After the ads, it's
Friday 19 June
Zoe is knocking on Judy's door... she is cheesed off at being
blamed by Natalie for Gareh leaving. Judy tells her that she shouldn't
have done and when Zoe asks for confirmation of this piece of
news, she lets Zoe into the house.
We are in the Big Highse now and Leanne is thanking
Darren Whateley for allowing her to visit him - she wants to explain.
Darren tells her that he is not proud of what he has done, killing
someone, but at least he didn't plan it? (Ah well, makes it alright
then, eh?) What she and Leanne have done - set him up - that is
evil, he says. He tells her that she might have a pretty face,
but underneath, she is worse than him.
Judeh is explaining how she needed to open up to someone
and Nat was the nearest around, she apologises if she gave the
impression that she was blaming Zoe. When Zoe asks why Judeh told
Gareh, Judeh answers that she thought that Zoe would spill the
beans, so it was better coming from her own lips. Zoe maintains
that she would never have spilt the secret. Judy is concerned
that Gareh should forgive her, but Zoe expresses surprise at Gareh's
reaction. Judy understands that most men would probably behave
the same way, and when Zoe asks her whether Gareh will come back,
Judeh replies that she doesn't know, she hopes so, she wants him
back anyway, but she found out as a result of her scan that she
is expecting twins and Gareh doesn't even know. (At this point,
a spooky thing happened in the household... my dearest made some
comments about there being two fathers... what do I find when
I look up Mike's CSVU site, but one spooky Pooky (Jane Pook) makes
exactly the same comments... Alan starts wondering to whom he
Back in the clink, Leanne is whittering on about her
not realising that Whateley would end up back in prison, she only
went to the police because he frightened her. When Whateley asks
why she wrote the letters, she says Nick put her up to it....
(hmm, she WAS jailbait...), but it wouldn't have gone any further,
only Whateley came round. Whateley tells her that he knows the
letters were a trap to ensnare him and that they didn't show his
letters to the police, because if she had done so, then he would
not be back in prison. He says that he had tried to protest his
innocence, but no-one had believed him and he had burned everything
on his first day out - she should be glad as it gets her off the
hook. Everyone believes her, he tells her. Leanne agrees but says
that it doesn't mean she is glad to see him back in prison. Whateley
pleads with her to get him out of prison, she is the only one
who can, she must go back to the police, tell them about her letters,
what was in them.
Back in t'boozer, Mike is telling Mogadon Man Greg
that a young lady was after him earlier.. Maxine. "Oh, Max,
yeah the name rings a bell!" is Greg's enthusiastic reply.
Mike laughs and reckons how MM is going to become a cropper one
of these days, pushing a pram, worrying about a mortgage! "Not
for a while, yet, though!" is MM's retort.
Seeing Sally wandering past, MM excuses himself to
have a quick word with her... probably two words are what he has
in mind "drop 'em", but he makes polite chit-chat about
hearing how she is going to Florida. She is unenthusiastic in
her reply, until he tells her he was thinking of going there himself
and says he'd like to find out all out it when she gets back.
Her Sallyness brightens up, her beaming face dazzling onlookers
miles away as she starts preening herself.
As Sally leaves enter Maxime... MM gets brain in gear
and, lying through his teeth, tells her that he was just going
to look for her. "Oh, honest?" gushes our brain-challenged
specimen. She orders him a drink and says that she has something
really exciting to tell him after.
Audrey and Fred come in and join Mike - Fred gets the
drinks in... he tells her that she cannot go sneaking off home
as she has a campaign to run and voters to sway.
Max is telling MM about the flat and how it's going
to be handy for here, work and for "whatever we like"...
she's going to view it next week.
Back in T'Kabin, Leanne is explaining to Rita how she
is the only one who can get Whateley out of prison. Rita, concerned,
tells her that she hopes she hasn't made any rash promises, but
Leanne tells her that the only promise she made was to think about
Enter Nick ... he's left his key behind and wants to
borrow Leanne's copy.
When he goes out of the shop, Rita suggests that Leanne
goes home early to tell Nick... unfortunately, Leanne says that
she cannot think of what to say to him, she daren't tell him she's
been to visit Darren in prison
The Webster brats are asking whether they can take
dolls with them on holiday.. Kevin says one each is fine, and
asks for Sally's confirmation. As they run off, she is hesitant
about something... Kevin persuades her to come clean and she tells
him that the main reason they are going on holiday is for the
girls, it's not like therapy for themselves. Kevin is surprised
at her using the word, as if there is something seriously wrong
between them. He takes umbrage and says that she really doesn't
want to go on the holiday. Sally's reply of "never mind what
I want, we are going" doesn't exactly placate him and he
tells her that the holiday can still be cancelled. With that,
he calls the girls downstairs to tell them that they are not going
- "don't you dare.. you can play games with me, but don't
play games with them!" is her reply. He then puts her on
the spot and asks whether they are going... she assents and as
Kev tells the girls it was nothing, we hear her muttering "great
start!" "Yeah welll, maybe it'll get better" sighs
We are back in the Rovers and Fred Elliott is holding
forth "I'm telling you the day will come that this lady will
be known as the Eva Peron of local government." "Could
be case of 'don't cry for me, Weatherfield council!'" quips
Alec. Mike Baldwin tells Audreh he doesn't know why she is standing
for the council. Our Aud falters, as is common when brain needs
to be put into gear, but no worries, trusty Fred is there with
the helpful "because she is following in the steps of her
husband, Alf, and fighting for honesty and integrity in Local
Government!" "Oh, that's why!" chuckles Mike as
Fred adds "well, it'll do to be going on with!"
As they drink to her, we see Des coming into pub..
he sidles up to Natalie who asks "and what can I do for you?"
"Well, you can stop asking me questions like that, for a
start" says Des, rising to the occasion. He asks whether
anyone noticed them arriving together and when she says that she
doesn't think so, he tells her he isn't surprised as they are
all too busy with their own liaisons. He asks whether she fancies
something to eat later on and she plays the teasing "I don't
know, I'll see how I feel later on" game... nudge, nudge,
say no more!!
Outside in the street, Fred is reminding Audrey "you
want to bear that phrase for later on, in case you get stuck -
'honesty and integrity' - that's what you're standing for..."
and as they pass Les' campervan, he adds "and for getting
rid of eyesores, like that!" Audrey shows her frustration
as to why Les doesn't just shift the van. "Perhaps, we should
shift it for him" offers Fred and kicks at the van... a few
seconds later, the van is lying on its side having toppled over,
as a result of Fred's boot! "I didn't mean that!" exclaims
a sorry looking Fred. Mike and Des come out of the pub and hearing
the commotion to ask who did the deed. "Two lads!! says our
honest butcher "messing out, they saw us coming and they
pushed it over and then they ran off!" Mike is amused and
wonders who is going to tell Les - Des volunteers as Fred and
Audrey beat a sneaky retreat as Audreh "has come over a bit
faint" says Fred. As they move off down the street, Audreh
asks Fred "what was that phrase again, Fred, honesty and..."
"Never mind, just get in that car" is Fred's embarrassed
We are back at Ashley's and he is asking Zoe whether
she is going to go to the job centre on Monday - she is non-committal
- he tries to come up with a valid reason for her non appearane
today "you could tell them you've been poorly". "You
will be in a minute, if you don't stop going on."
Nick pops his head around the kitchen door... Leanne
is sitting there and tells him that she cannot stop thinking about
what they did. She says that Darren Whateley is in prison because
of what they did. Nick corrects her "he's in prison because
of what he did, which, in case, you'd forgotten was killing my
dad!" Leanne points out that Whateley has been punished for
that, this is extra, all because of them, because they didn't
tell the police about them stupid letters. Tilly is not bothered,
as long as his father's murderer is in prison, he is pleased.
He tells her to leave it alone, that they haven't told the police
about the letters and they are not going to.
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Peter Whalley
Script Copyright Granada Television
Well, how was it for me?
Not that brilliant an episode, the usual wooden acting
from Kev, Greg and Maxime didn't help. Whateley and Leanne were
convincing in their respective parts.
The highlights, undoubtedly, were some lovely moments
of comedy as provided by the ever splendid Fred Elliott.
And that's it for now.. ...so until I see ya next week,
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ (Alan)
Sunday 21 June
The update crew are still struggling to get right
up to date (as it were) and so I'll make this as short as necessary
to get it finished by 5 this evening, a quick trip through the
spell-checker (and a disinfectant bath, I'm still coughing and
wheezing), and off through the portal to virtual world.
Just one quick apology in passing. I clearly did for
the Scottish World Cup team last week, just before their final
match. What a disgrace. And of course In-ger-land went on to
win quite impressively. No more from me.
And without further ado, straight into the main business.
Owing to a timing blunder [and I'm sure it was all Granada's fault,
they're absolutely terrible at starting Corry up to two minutes
early], the very first scene tonight went mostly missing. Judging
by the last frame or two, and the next scene, Leanne and Nick
are continuing to disagree about what to do about Darren. Nick
has probably flounced out, and Leanne is none too pleased.
Nick races past Audreh, not acknowledging her greeting,
as she and Fred watch Stan the scrap man load Les' toppled camper
van onto the back of a pickup truck. Fred confides in Audrey that
he personally was responsible for this. As the truck starts up
and drives off, Les appears at his window demanding to know what's
going on. He runs downstairs and legs it around the corner in
a vain attempt to catch up with Stan. Janice watches from the
bedroom window, beaming. [Janice has a *huge* cheesey grin.]
In the cafe, Roy brings Spider and Toyah their camomile
teas [please don't try this at home, children, camomile tea tastes
*awful*]. He appears to be in somewhat of a daze, though. Spider
has his nomination papers for the council election, and asks Roy
if he will add his name to the list of supporters. Roy willingly
agrees. Spider tells Toyah that he is now halfway to the required
10 signatures, and suggests there is little chance of getting
Gail to sign. Toyah has a brainwave [if this was a cartoon, there'd
be a small light-bulb above her head] and takes the papers over
to the counter, carefully folding them on the way. She presents
these to Gail as a sponsor form of a different kind. "Oh,
for wildlife ?" asks Gail. "Something like that..."
replies Toyah, and the deed is done.
Outside the Rovers, Jack and Vera are returning from
their holidays. Vera spots Judy, and tells her they have been
away to Rhyl [of which I have no personal knowledge, but the name
cropped up in Brookside recently sounding like the last place
to go on holiday] with Tricia and Jamie and Brad, and presumably
the baby as well. She says how nice it is to have holidays with
kiddies - "you've that to look forward to. And ante-natal
classes, they'll be starting soon. Take Gary with you too. Our
Jack thought he only had to be there for lights out and the curtain
call." Judy looks strained throughout and manages to confess
that Gary has left her, before rushing off to catch her bus to
Vera finds Jack with Alec in the backroom of the pub,
and tells them she has some shock news. "Sit down",
interrupts Jack, "Alec's got some too". Sam has left,
and Natalie's been given the week off. Vera's not pleased with
the prospect of being short-staffed for so long.
Steve is buying some chewing gum in the Kabin. [This
is probably a vital building material in his line of business.]
Leanne serves him, and offers him the wrong change. As he points
this out, Rita appears from the back to confirm he is right. Steve
takes his change and leaves. Rita asks Leanne what her problem
is, that's the third time today she's got the change wrong. Leanne
tells her how she still can't persuade Nick to go to the police
with her, he is obsessed with getting revenge on his father's
killer, and won't take her feelings into account.
Audreh arrives in the pub with her nomination papers.
She sits down with Gail, and asks her to lend her support. Gail
asks her if she is sure, it's not all fancy do's and posh frocks
and expenses, there's all that bitching and backbiting as well
? "Nothing I can't handle", responds Audreh. After a
microsecond, Gail decides she's right, and signs up. Audreh wibbles
on about how her ambition is to be Lady Mayoress in her own right.
[Can anyone remember how long it is since we last saw Alfeh ?]
Vera asks Alec why he didn't persuade Samantha to stay.
He tells her he would have had to sack Natalie and ban half the
regular customers as well ! "It's a shame, she had a lovely
smile", adds Betty. "I think that was half the trouble",
Leanne bumps into Gail leaving the pub, and tells her
they need to talk. "About you and Nicky ? I always thought
you'd fall apart in a few months. Is there someone else involved
?". "In a manner of speaking." "I see...".
Leanne tells Gail that it's not about her and Nick, it's about
him and Darren Whately - "him that killed your Brian !".
Gail is taken back.
Despatched in about 15 seconds with the video remote, and you
can waste even less time reading this, before moving smartly on
If Gail looked shocked earlier, she looks poleaxed now, as she
asks Leanne what on Earth she [and Nicky] thought they were doing,
messing about with a murderer. Words fail her when Leanne tells
Gail that she had probably served him in the cafe.
Fred, I say Fred, has joined Audreh in the Rovers.
He advises her to get a move on with completing her nomination
papers. Audreh is very casual about it - "I'll not have to
twist any arms to get signatures, I mean look at the opposition
!". The opposition is persuading Betty to sign up, convincing
her that he stands for a better environment for her grandkiddies
[who we hear about but never ever see]. Betty is won over. "Only
3 to go", says Spider, spotting Ken Barlow sitting quietly
in the corner...
Alec and Vera are still discussing the replacement
bar staff. "It's a matter for careful consideration"
says Alec, stressing that they must have "certain qualities
!". Vera tells he she knows exactly what he's talking about,
but assures him that "whoever gets this job won't be some
bird- brained dolly bird with legs the length of Rosamund Street
Audreh approaches Ken and starts to give him the "it's
not what you can do for me, it's what *I* can do for you"
spiel. Ken interrupts her, telling her that he can't sign because
he has already signed for Spider. [Which leaves us wondering exactly
what's going to happen about Gail's apparent support for both
candidates...] Audreh leaves, muttering darkly about how she is
finding out who her "real friends are".
Gail asks Leanne if she is wanting her to talk to Nick,
and tell him he did wrong in getting Darren re-imprisoned. "Yes."
"I can't. I agree with Nick, Whateley's where he belongs."
It's Leanne's turn to look shocked.
In the cafe, something unexpected happens as Roy takes
an unopened letter and sits down at one of the tables, and stares
at it - the camera angle swoops right up to ceiling level and
gives us a view of most of the cafe from above. [Crivvens ! I
hope we're not heading for anything like ER which just stops short
of making me feel sea-sick with its continuously moving and rotating
camerawork, or This Life where they've clearly been letting the
cameraman have too many in the pub at lunchtime !!] Back to ground
level as Roy takes a deep breath and opens the letter...
Steve has come to see Judy. He asks after her, and
if there has been any word from Gary. There has not. He apologises,
as he tells her he has had to take someone on in Gary's place.
He liked Gary, and thought he was a good worker. Judy thanks Steve
for his support, but tells him that she doesn't think Gary is
coming back. Ever.
Alec implores Jack to sort his missus out - "she'll
employ Frankenstein's daughter if we're not careful." Jack
tries to reassure him, as everyone expects their pint to be served
by someone "with a bit of bounce" [this with his hands
suggestively cupping an ample bosom !]. "Vera understands
that." "Maybe that's the problem", replies Alec.
Jack goes on to say that he can't sway Vera himself. Alec doesn't
believe she'll take any advice from him either. [Vera is the sole
licencee, in case you'd forgotten.] Vera appears and tells Jack
she will be putting an ad in the papers. "Are you sure"
asks Jack, explaining that customers want a bit of glamour behind
the bar. He deftly heads off the obvious counter-argument that
Vera can supply this, by pointing out how she has to be the one
to lay down the law in the event of any trouble, "and you
can't do that one minute and be flirty the next." "We're
having no more flirting and that's that !" responds our Vee.
Jack's face falls, through the floor and into the cellar.
Les charges in and demands some immediate attention.
All is not well with his world, as we discover how he didn't catch
up with the scrap merchant's van, but did get his name and number,
only to discover that the "owner" had phoned and asked
for the van to be towed away. He announces to anyone who is listening
[which is no-one] that it's all a conspiracy.
Jack tries one last time to persuade Vera to change
her stance on recruits. She won't. "I want someone with brains,
class, and charm. Everything you're not !".
Leanne tells Gail that whatever Whately had done, Nick
and Gail's conspiracy of silence is still wrong. "It's worse
than anything my family's ever done !" she cries, and runs
The episode ends with a knock at Judy's door. She is
stunned, and then very happy, to see Gary standing outside. [And
so am I - I think Gary's character is well worth keeping, and
he is brilliantly acted by Ian Mercer.]
This episode was written by Phil Ford.
All round, not a bad episode, but not a great one
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Monday 22 June
Two hours ago I finished this update, then saved to
floppy disk so that I could take it to my other PC for posting.
Click, click whirr, there is a serious unrecoverable disk error.
Serves me right for disabling 'Automatic save every 10 minutes'
and not even saving to hard disk. I bet this doesn't happen in
Windoze 95. So, here's another version. Might be easier to write
as it's fresh in my mind, and I didn't want to watch the football
At the close of the last episode we saw a hand reach
the knocker on the front door of The Mallett's. Now we see that
it was Gareh's, he's returned from his brother's in Newcastle.
Judy wants assurance that he hadn't told his family why he had
gone there alone, which he gives. He says that he had gone for
many long walks, so that he could think, and often felt that he
wanted to walk out of his own life. He asks if she really loves
him. Judy says she does, she never stopped loving him, she was
desperate when he went off. Gareh asks her to help him, because
he's scared by how he's feeling.
Saint Audrey is serving real lemonade, like Grandma
used to make, made from real, unwaxed lemons, to RToyah and Spider
on the patio. Well, her back yard really. They toast the completion
of Spider's nomination form for the Council elections, but Emily
wonders just how Gail came to nominate Spider when she would be
expected to nominate her mother. 'Dirty business, politics', smiles
Spider, to which a worried Emily asks 'tell me the worst...'
Gary is still trying to understand. Did Judeh plan
to prostitute herself with Paul Fisher? Judeh says that she was
only thinking about getting Babeh Kateh back. Gareh thinks there
is nothing in the whole World worth doing /that/ for, but Judeh
disagrees, it would have been worth it if she could have got Babeh
Kateh back and saved her life. Gareh tells her that she can't
love him enough. Judeh tries to draw a line under the experience,
saying that what is done, is done, and Babeh Kateh is dead, but
Gareh tells her that his feelings for her are dead too. He's frightened
because all he can see in his mind is Judeh and Paul Fisher.
Gail is trying to get Martin at work from the cafe
phone, but he's obviously too busy, what with working in every
department a Street regular might need. Roy comes in, and surprisingly
sits down at a table ordering a cup of tea and an almond slice.
Fortunately there are only two other customers, so Gail can sit
Roy's problem is that he has had a letter from Hayley,
who apparently has settled in Amsterdam. He is wracked with guilt,
as he tells Gail, because he treated her very badly, and he is
ashamed of his actions. More than that, he admires Hayley for
taking the trouble to write such a nice letter, and obviously
forgiving him. He thinks it is far easier to stay angry, rather
than forgive. Gail thoughtfully agrees with this. 'What do I do?'
In the back room of the Rovers, Vera is reading 'How
to Hire the Best', preparatory to interviewing prospective barstaff.
Jack opines that all they need is 'a pretty little face and a
big pair of bazoomas'. That will please eight out of ten punters.
Alec happens by, but doesn't seem to want to get involved.
Gareh still wants answers how could she still say she
loves him, when she went off with Paul Fisher? Judy insists that
it wasn't like that, she 'blanked it all out'. Gary asks 'How
can you blank it out when you've got a bloke goin' at yer? 'Because
you can!!' Judy tells him that he ought to be thinking of her
feelings, and it was only the once anyway. Gary isn't sure whether
to believe this. She says that she knows she did wrong, but Gary
needs to know that there'll be no repeat. He tells her he wants
to be faithful to her until the day he dies, but he doesn't know
how he's going to forgive her.
Leanne calls by at the House of Elliott to give Nick
an ultimatum: either he goes to tell the Police the full story
about Whately, or she does. Nick had started this scene by apologising
to her for yesterday, and that he wants to forget the whole thing,
but Leanne had other ideas.
END OF PART ONE
And we're still at Number 4. Leanne wants an answer
tonight - she can't stand it any more, they've messed up their
marriage over Whately, and just made the situation worse - he'll
be out one day, and after them. Nick tries to get the upper hand,
and fails, by warning her that if she goes to the Police, that
will be the end of their marriage. He is not going to lift a finger
to help Whately. 'Fine', says Leanne, 'whatever you want', turns
and walks out. [Dewey note: It has to be said that Jane Danson
acted Adam Rigor-Mortis off the screen in this scene.]
At the bar of the Rovers, Alec learns from Fred that
Jack and Betty have both signed Spider's nomination, and that
denotes the mark of a class traitor. 'And furthermore, I say,
not only that, it denotes a lack of leadership on your part Alec,
not keeping your partners in line.' Alec thinks it's all wrong
letting 'the likes of him' stand for election, and questions whether
Spider has paid a penny in tax in his whole adult life. This gives
Fred an idea.
Vera has been studying the recruitment manual again,
and tells Jack that they need to use 'Performance Probing' - aptitude
tests for all candidates. Jack dismisses this 90s management stuff,
and Vera goes along with it, promising only to give candidates
some tough questions.
Jack goes to ask Alec for his support - as Alec says,
in the final analysis it'll be him and Jack versus Vera to pick
the best of the bunch. Jack seems happy with this until he has
the horrible realisation that they might end up choosing from
a 'bunch of Bettys'.
Alec takes the short measure pint that Fred ordered,
I say requested, in the last scene, over to Spider. Fred starts
with a Fred type soliloquy:
'I've obviously seriously misjudged you, young man,
thank you landlord, on me by way of apology.' Spider accepts gracefully.
'I was just saying to our honourable opponent, we got him all
wrong, didn't we? Well look at him, participatin' in t' democratic
process, settin' himself up as a servant o' community, and we
'ad 'im down as nowt more than a vagrant, didn't we? Didn't reckon
that he'd even be on t' Electoral Register, let alone stand for
Councillor'. Spider suddenly realises that Fred is right, he's
never been on the Electoral Register, so his nomination is invalid.
Fred and Alec are smugness personified.
Back in the cafe, Roy is saying how terrible it is
to set yourself up in judgement over another, to judge yourself
superior. Gail is baffled, like I was. He's still troubled by
how he treated Hayley, when she was only ever kind to him. He
reckons the biggest mistake of his life was letting her go, and
he'd do anything to have her back. Gail tells him that if that
is what he really wants, then he should go after her. 'What, to
Amsterdam? asks Roy, but then dismisses the idea because he believes
he doesn't deserve forgiveness. 'Come on Roy, everybody deserves
forgiveness if they're truly sorry' [Will we have to remind Gail
about that some time in the future, perhaps?] Gail asks 'And anyway,
what've you got to lose by trying?'
RJudeh is still trying to get Gary to understand, and
to trust her. He wants to trust her, but there are so many unanswered
questions - like how can she be sure that the baby is his? And
how did she get pregnant so quickly, perhaps Paul could reach
the parts that Gary couldn't? (yes, I know, and before the 9pm
watershed too). Judeh swears that she knows the date, and it can't
be Paul. Moving closer to Gareh she tells him, 'these babies are
yours, both of them, I had a scan.'.
Saint Emily comes into the Rovers, and is soon accosted
by a gloating Fred that Spider can no longer stand for Council
because he is not registered on the Electoral Roll. Emily can't
understand this, of course he's on the Electoral Roll. Fred teases
that it's against Spider's principles, but Emily says that she's
thinking of her own principles: as a single occupant she had been
getting 25% discount on her Council Tax, but with another adult
she was liable for the full amount. Once Spider decided to stay,
it would have been against her principles to continue with the
discount so she registered him immediately. Spider brightens and
asks 'so you mean I am able to stand for election?' 'Geoffrey,
dear, I'm your campaign manager - trust me.'
Gail has called on Nick, to tell him that she knows
all about the Whately business, Leanne has told her. She needs
to talk to him, and tells him to sit down and listen to her. She
agrees that Leanne was right to tell her, and asks Nick what he
thought he could achieve by bringing Whately back into their lives.
Nick says he wants to know why he did it, and why it had to be
his Dad. He wanted to confront him. He agrees that it was a stupid
thing to do, and that the one good result is that he's back in
Gary is studying the scan, and Judy is saying how awful
it was, going for the scan, and then knowing it was twins, without
knowing where he was so that he could share it. She begs that
they put everything behind them and start looking forward - Gary
says that he wouldn't have come home if he hadn't wanted that.
He still can't get the image of Judeh and Fisher out of his mind,
but Judeh takes his clenched fist, and puts it on her abdomen,
telling him to put it out of his mind, and think about her and
himself and the babies.
Nick wants to know if Gail thinks Whately should be
let out, given another chance, 'cos my Dad didn't get one, did
he?' Gail says that if she were Home Secretary, Darren Whately
would be hanged and buried by now, and she truly wishes he was.
The next best thing is that he should stay in prison for the rest
of his life, and made to feel sorry for every day that he stole
from RBrian. She is ashamed to think this way, as she knows that
Whately will get out sometime. She will never know whether or
not he feels sorry for what he did [So does he deserve forgiveness
or not then, eh, Gail?] Nick wants to try to keep him inside,
but Gail recognises that all they can do now is refuse to waste
any more of their energies hating him - or it won't just be RBrian's
life he's ruined.
Episode written by Maureen Chadwick
Dear Update Readers,
Wednesday 24 June
In response to the messages I have received about
the change in tone of my last two Wednesday updates, I would
like to sing you a little song. So I'll dim the lights - but
not the spotlight - and, with apologies to Tim Rice and Andrew
Lloyd-Webber, clear my throat to give you:
"Don't Cry For Me, Update Readers!"
I know I'm easy I know I'm strange
The episode opens in the cafe, where Roy is agonising
over whether or not he should go out to Amsterdam and find Hayley.
As he agonises, Alma, in search of Gail, comes into the cafe and
chats with him. He shares his dilemma with her and she leaves
him in no doubt whatsoever that he should follow his dream and
get his ass on the next KLM flight out. Alma tells him that when
one finds someone special, one has to take a chance on life. Roy
smiles an enigmatic smile which tells us that he is just the one
to take such a chance.
At the House of Elliot, Gail and Leanne are trying
to persuade Whoopsie Boy to put Darren Whateley behind him. [Talk
to me, Gail honey: I wouldn't need much persuading]. Gail tries
to impress him that if Whoopsie dwells on the issue much longer,
it will start to fester - even more than the zit on his forehead,
which is these days doing a passable imitation of Mt Etna and
thus rapidly turning into a permanent fixture. Whoopsie Boy is
far from convinced, but eventually concedes that Mother knows
best. [Poor misguided wretch! For years and years I actually believed
that 'mother knows best', but now I know better. Mine, incidentally,
has just returned from Lourdes, where she had a marvellous time
with her church cronies praying fervently for my 'conversion'.
I've told her that it's a non-starter. After all, what would my
other half say if I suddenly turned straight on him? Plus I'd
have to get a whole new wardrobe - and I'm not wearing white socks
with a brown suit for anyone. Then there's all the Argos catalogues
I'd have to collect, and I'd probably have to learn to mow the
lawn on Sundays and put up shelves for some 'little woman'. Plus
I'd have to learn to strut, spit and swagger, and leave the toilet
seat down, and light my farts. It would be a whole new learning
process and I'm far too old for all of that].
Out in the Street, Gareh spies Steve McDonald and asks
- nay, almost begs - for his old job back. Steve doesn't keep
him dangling for long and tells him that he does indeed need an
extra pair of hands, chiefly in order to convert Jim's house and
make it 'wheelchair-friendly'. [Don't you just love those '-friendly'
adjectives? The little 'dolphin-friendly' logo on tins of tuna
always creases me up. Okay, so they've been kind to the dolphin,
but what about the poor sodding tuna fish?]. Anyway, Gareh is
over the moon, as is Judeh, who shouts her appreciation across
to Steve in time-honoured foghorn fashion.
Alec is also on the prowl, looking for Audreh - or,
as Fred puts it, the 'Eva Peron of Weatherfield'. Alec is supposed
to be accompanying Audreh to the council offices so that she can
hand in her proposal form with its ten signatures, and is gobsmacked
to learn from Fiona and Maxime that she has gone shopping instead.
[Doesn't Audreh get better and better with each episode? What
Meanwhile at Weatherfield police station, Gail, Leanne
and Whoopsie Boy are waiting to reveal all re: Darren Whateley.
Whoopsie is trying to look as though he's there under duress,
but manages nothing more than the vacant middle-distance stare
that is now his trademark.
At the Rovers, Vera is holding interviews for the position
of barperson. The first candidate is a Mrs Edna Miller, a middle-aged
lady with a face like a bag of spanners and a line in morbid patter
that wouldn't be out of place at a mortician's conference. The
woman is doom and gloom on legs, regaling Vera with stories of
all the people in her life who have recently died - including
her last two employers. This is a woman who could appear on Mastermind
with 'obituaries' as her specialised subject. She takes one look
at Jack and decides that he too is not long for this world - which
is probably why she strikes a chord with Vera, who insists that
they hire her. Naturally, Alec and Jack do not agree: Jack dismisses
Mrs Miller as an "undertaker's talent spotter" who would
only bring death and destruction to the Rovers. He tells Vera
that they need someone younger and more pleasant to attract custom;
Vera says that 'young and pleasant' translates as 'blond with
big bazookas', and that she's not having any of it.
Back at the police station, Gail is talking to some
inspector type and telling him that she is Brian Tilsley's widow.
[This was a golden opportunity to bring DS Wyatt back to our screens,
but the producer blew it. Who said that one can have too much
of a good thing? Because the idea sucks...]
At the council offices, Alec has finally caught up
with Audreh, who has been 'canvassing in all the dress and hat
shops' [Marvellous stuff!]. Weighed down with bags of all shapes
and sizes, she totters down the corridor with Alec in tow and
no more than five minutes left to submit her proposal. On the
way they bump into Emily and Spider, who has just submitted his
list of signatures and gloats that he has beaten Weatherfied's
Eva Peron to the punch. Audreh is as cool as a cucumber and will
not be rushed, much to Alec's chagrin. But there is a problem.
The official who takes her form notices almost immediately that
it carries the same signature as one of Spider's sponsors. "You
mean someone has signed his form as well as mine?" asks a
bewildered Audreh? The council official says that that is indeed
what has happened. "It's a Mrs Gail Platt," he says,
"and she has signed two sponsor forms. And since Mr Nugent
got here first, that makes yours invalid." Audreh is apoplectic.
"But Gail Platt is my daughter," she protests. "She
would never sign Spider Nugent's form as well as mine." The
council official shows her the offending signature, thus convincing
her of the misdeed. The only thing they can do now, the official
says, is get someone else to sign. With the deadline just three
minutes away, Alec dashes off to find a tenth signature for Audreh's
Back at the Rovers, Jack opens the door for the next
applicant. It is a busty young blond piece named Chantelle; Jack
takes one look at her and asks her when she can start. "Hold
your horses!"says Vera; "she has to be interviewed first."
Unfortunately - for Jack and Alec - that is, while Chantelle's
bust size is on the happier side of 40, her IQ is nowhere near
as pronounced. Chantelle eventually fluffs her interview and leaves
Vera distinctly underwhelmed.
At the cafe, Roy tells Gail that he has decided to
go to Amsterdam after all. Gail is overjoyed for him and tells
him to get himself down to Sunliners and procure an air ticket
to Amsterdam. As he leaves to do just that, a very piqued Audreh
arrives, still laden with bags and ready to give Gail a good tongue
lashing. "How could you sign Spider's form? How could you
do this to meh?" she cries. Gail is non-plussed, with absolutely
no idea what her mother is going on about. "I swear to you
that I never signed his form," pleads Gail. But wait - a
distant memory resurrects itself in some hidden recess of her
mind. "All I signed," she says, "was a sponsored
walk form for Toyah. At least that's what she said it was - the
Back at the Rovers, it's Vera in the blue corner, championing
Mrs Miller, and Jack in the red corner, sticking up for Chantelle...
His ticket duly purchased, Roy goes back to the cafe
to show Gail. "That's wonderful, Roy," she says. "All
you need now is to dig out your passport and you're away!"
"Passport?" says Roy, crestfallen. It transpires that
he doesn't have one; indeed, that he's never had one. "You've
never been abroad, then?" asks Gail? "No," says
Roy. "Well not unless you count the Isle of Man." [Wonderful
stuff this, from the pen of John Stevenson; this episode is stuffed
with such nuggets, and you don't even have to dig that deep].
At Bleak House (aka the residence of Jim McDonald],
Gareh has already made a start on the conversion work (remember,
to make Jim's house more wheelchair-friendly? Oh do sit up at
the back and take notice! Ok, so it is a scene involving Mr Tank
Top 1972, but that's no excuse]. The problem is, Jim doesn't want
to be converted. [Top man, Jim - but be warned: your mother will
be on the next coach out to Lourdes too if you're not careful].
Indignant and full of pride, Jim 'So It Is' McDonald throws a
wobbly and tells Gareh to get out and leave him alone. [Jim then
settles down to a nice supper of "Chicken a la Douglas Bader"
- which is a bit like Kentucky Fried, the only difference being
that it's all wings and no legs].
At the Rovers, Roy is filling out his passport application
form at the same table as Mike and Alma. Mike comments that Roy
will feel very much at home in Amsterdam since "it's the
home of the weirdos and all that". Roy says nothing. Mike
then offers to be one of Roy's referees. "After all, I'm
a company director," he beams. Roy's putdown is music to
our ears. "No thanks," he says, "but the term 'company
director' covers a multitude of sins. It's a bit like 'model'
or 'actress'. " [Love it, love it! John Stevenson, I want
to marry you and have your babies!] Mike reels, caught by that
wicked right hook to his ego, and says nothing. Roy says that
the form allows a teacher to act as referee, in which case he'll
ask Ken Barlow to do the honours!
Also propping up the bar in the Rovers is Fred, I say,
Fred. Alec is telling him what a brouhaha (okay, Mike P?) he and
Audreh went through that very morning. "But here she is,
she'll tell you herself," says Alec as Audreh enters, flustered
and bag-laden. "I was just telling Fred what problems you
had this morning," says Alec. "Yes," agrees Audreh:
"There's not a single shop in Weatherfield that stocks a
size-10 top in cerise!" [Wonderful wonderful wonderful stuff!
John Stevenson is clearly a fan of Victoria Wood, Alan Bennett
and Mike Leigh, my three favourite writers/producers/directors,
and is fast catching them up with brilliant lines like this one.
A Corrie classic, and beautifully timed by Audreh, who is fast
becoming one of the best things on the programme]. Audreh ends
the episode by berating Spider for the nasty trick he allowed
Toyah to play on Gail. Spider doesn't seem too concerned; after
all, he says, politics can be a dirty game. [If he thinks politics
is a dirty game, he obviously hasn't played 'Gay Twister'. But
that's bye the bye]. Anyway, Audreh concluded the episode by telling
Spider that if it's a dirty tricks campaign he wants, she will
serve him up a veritable feast.
Yet I'll try to explain how I feel
That I'm still writing updates after all that I've done;
You won't believe me
All you will see is a slut you once knew
Barred from mentioning soixante-neuf (That's sixty plus nine,
just for you...)
I had to cut the smut out
I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life just a tart
Writing all about blowjobs, writing all about scat.
So I chose purity!
Out with the F-words and in with the new,
But it didn't impress you at all; I never expected it to.
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I never left you!
At Peggy Altman's Drunken insistence,
I cut the sex talk
And kept my distance.
And as for emails that curse my name,
I never invited them in; Though it seemed to you that they were
all I desired.
They are illusions
They're just the delusions of sad cyber geeks
Hungover from some acid trip
Who hate me to shoot from the lip.
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I'm back on course now!
To all that sex talk I've now reverted:
The product of a
Mind that's perverted.
Have I said too much?
There's nothing filthier I can think of to say to you,
But all you have to do is read these lines to know I write it
all for you...
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I'm just a faggot
Who at life's wondrous Celestial banquet,
Declined the apple
But kept the maggot...
(End of song. No applause please; just send money...)
As I See It
A marvellous marvellous episode from the bitingly
witty pen of John Stevenson. Audreh's 'cerise top' one-liner
was one of the funniest things I've heard on the show in ages
and I only wish they'd let the guy write more of the scripts.
The council election campaign is hotting up and should
provide a lot of fun in the future. I don't usually like election
campaigns: if I want to see a load of people lying and making
promises they can't keep, I just go to Heaven. They can be quite
funny at times though. I think the Americans have the monopoly
on crazy election campaigns though. I remember a few years back
when Reagan was trying to get back into the White House for a
second term. I recall a news programme which showed Nancy Reagan
- her of the ridiculous anti-drug campaign - holding up a big
placard which said "Say No To Crack", and I remember
a friend of mine saying, "Don't worry, Nancy, if it's yours
you're on about, everyone already has."
But I digress. This update is late and I have to get
it online. And I have no excuse, really. Term is now over and
all our students have departed. Durham is quiet and still once
more. Not for long, of course, because sooner than you can say
'Enola Gay', our small city will be filled to the brim with coachload
after coachload of Japanese tourists and their Yashicas, snapping
away at the castle and the cathedral as though their lives depended
on it. [I quite like Japanese culture, as it happens, although
I have to say I do find Japanese men rather on the, er, small
side. Know what I mean? All I'll say is that if any of you readers
ever needs to know how to say "Is it all in?" or "Is
that all there is?" in Japanese, I'm your man].
Anyway, I'd better skedaddle and get some work done.
Until next time, take care. By the way, my update for 1st July
will be online soon. As for the update for July 8th, well, I've
invited a guest updater to do that. Her name is Becky, she's
a 24-carat sweetie, and she has a sense of humour to die for.
You'll love her; I do.
anyway, be good, love and hugs, CP
Friday 26 June
Still a backlog - I am still a week behind, so I am
anxious to get this one out of the way..... sooooo... again,
we'll skip the prologue this week, and go straight into the
The episode commences with Alex, Jack and Vera discussing
the hiring of a replacement for Samantha. Jack wants someone who
looks easy on the eye "like Samantha was", but all Vera
can remember is the "trouble she caused!" Alec points
out that "all young lasses cause trouble", but Vera
cannot understand why they should be taken on, "the one yesterday
couldn't even add up, and you'd be the first to complain if the
takings were down." Alec cannot see the problem - they'd
have sacked her and got somebody else, "no problem, I mean
it's a bit of variety for the customers." Jack sides with
Alec in attacking Vera's philosophy "so you'd have hired
the grim reaper would you?". Vera defends that candidate's
experience, only to have Jack replying "Aye, with a scythe!"
Alec points out that there is no point them bickering as they
won't be able to find anybody at this rate, but Vera is insistent
- the will no recruit anyone of whom she disapproves "cos
there's only me with any sense round here!" Alec points out
that all three of them in the business have a right to be involved
in making the decision, but Vera's parting shot is that, even
if she is outvoted, if they take on someone she is not happy we
with, she promises that she will make their life a misery.....
hmm, don't think anyone needs convincing as to her sincerity and
ability at being able to carry out that threat. As she storms
out, Jack points out that this is what he has had to put up with,
but Alec insists that they are just going to have to get her round
to their way of thinking.
Toyah and Spider are collecting funds to support his
election campaign. Toyah doesn't feel they are getting very far,
but Spider points out that it is never easy when you are trying
to change the world. When he comments how her tin sounds quite
full, she tells him that she loaded it with buttons beforehand,
so that it would sound better. Cute, eh? Les comes along and is
invited to contribute to the campaign, but he declines as he doesn't
agree with Spider's policies, it would be hypocrisy. When Toyah
challenges him, accusing him of not being aware of their policies,
he side-steps the issue by saying that he is skint after paying
for her school trip. She points out that her mother paid for that,
but he replies that this was out of his beer money - he asks her
to remember the sacrifice he has made. When she asks him sarcastically,
whether he would like an advance from the collection tin, he leaps
at this chance - Toyah pleads with Spider to let him have some
money and Spider agrees as along as no-one sees the money being
handed over. A couple of pounds of beer money is all Les needs
and he is delighted when Toyah hands over to him her collection
Roy is about to go off to the Passport Office and Gail
is seeing him off. He doesn't know when he'll be back, but Gail
tells him they will manage. He is not confident he is doing the
right thing and asks Gail whether she thinks he is mad. "I
think, faint heart never won fair lady" is her reply. He
is embarrassed by this and makes his excuses to leave. Gail wishes
him good luck.
Audrey has bumped into Toyah and Spider still collecting
funds in the street. She is about to comment on an election leaflet
the Green Party pushed through her letterbox, but Spider is quick
to point out that this is nothing to with him, as he is an Independent
Green candidate. Audrey tries to mock him by saying that presumably
he is not in favour of noise-free zones where people can live
in peace. When he replies that he is in favour of that policy,
she asks why his second in command from the noisiest family in
Greater Manchester. Toyah replies that they are not that noisy
any more, they've changed. Just after Spider has agreed and added
that they have seen the light, we hear Les bellowing down the
street - he had just opened the collection tin handed to him by
Toyah and is not amused by the trick she played on him. As the
gift has been handed on a plate to Audrey, we hear her saying
"I rest my case!"
Steve is at his dad's and asks whether he plans on
watching the football tonight, he thought they could go to the
Flying Horse. "Oh super duper! So everyone can stare at me,
great!" is Jim's self-pitying reply. When Steve suggests
they can watch it at home instead, Jim's bitterness comes out
"Why, Steven, would I want to watch 22 young fit men running
about a football pitch for 90 minutes? Eh, let me tell you, that
is the last thing I need." When Steve offers to help him
push the chair, Jim declines the offer, saying he can manage.
Steve points out that it "must be doing your head in here
every day", Jim's anger boils over. "What gives you
that idea, don't you think I just love looking at these walls?"
When Steve tries to point out that it doesn't help not going out,
Jim tells him that that is his business, besides he going to see
the physiotherapist this afternoon. When Steve tries to placate
him by saying that he was only trying to help, Jim continues "Well
can you give me the use of my legs back?" Steve replies that,
of course, he cannot and Jim's parting shot is that he ought to
do him a favour and to shut up.
Jack and Alec are plotting and Alec is telling Jack
to pretend that it is a normal interview. Jack replies that it
isn't, but at that moment Vera comes in excitedly with the good
news that they have another applicant and she introduces Barbara
to Jack (whereupon we see Barbara taking a fancy to Jack) and
to Alec. Alec asks whether they have time for the interview, as
they open in 15 minutes. When Vera points out that presumably
they want a replacement barmaid and they agree, she tells them
to shut up and sit down. She mutters to Jack that she is impressed
by the candidate, Jack mutters back his reservations about her
age. Barbara hears this and asks whether she is too old for the
job, but Vera leaps in to say that they want someone with a bit
of experience. "Well, I've got that!" boasts Barbara.
There then follows a hilarious sequence with Alec deliberately
getting her name wrong a number of times - he calls her Bridgett
and asks where she has worked. When Alec tells her that this job
will be a bit of a comedown, Vera disagrees saying that the Rovers
regulars are nice people. Alec asks Barbara aggressively why she
left and her reply is that the old landlord retired, but it wasn't
the same when the new landlord took over - she prefers "to
work for a more ... mature man" as she eyes up Jack. "Tell
me something, er, Brenda, what do you think the most important
attributes for a barmaid are?" asks Alec. "Oh, friendliness,
efficiency, reliability!" she replies. "What about punctuality?"
asks Alec, "only the last one let us down something cruelly
in that department." "Oh, I'm very punctual, especially
when there's something at work to look forward to!" is her
reply, as Jack starts getting hot under the collar. "Well,
I've got a question" asks Vera, "how are you with your
mental arithmetic?" Alec quickly leaps in and you begin to
wonder how far ahead this interview has been scripted and asks
her to tot up an imaginary order and how much change there would
be out of a tenner - quick as a flash, Barbara comes up with the
answer. Vera, sounding dubious, tells her that they will need
references, but Barbara is able to confirm that she can provide
several and adds that the older gentlemen she worked for was very
grateful for what she gave him. Jack and Vera are both starting
to look more and more uncomfortable, but for different reasons....
Jack is starting to get rather hot under the collar because eh
thinks that Barbara fancies him, whereas Vera clearly doesn't
like the idea of competition around and someone else fancying
Jack. "How far do you have to come, Beatrice?" asks
Alec. She replies that she is only ten minutes walk away and adds
that even if she doesn't get this job, she has a feeling she'll
be back again!
Gary is in the caf. Steve walks over and asks him whether
he had made a start on Jim's house. Gary replies that he hasn't
adding that he doesn't know whether he fancies it. Gary points
out that when he went over to Jim's yesterday to measure up, Jim
didn't sound too keen, "he thought if we alter the place,
that it means he's cripple for life." Steve confirms that
when he saw Jim earlier he didn't look in a good way. Gary says
that Jim cannot be forced to have the work done, but Steve replies
that they cannot leave things the way they are, he cannot even
reach the cupboards as the shelves are too high. Gary tells Steve
that it is not pleasant working there with Jim in the corner.
Steve informs him that Jim is at the hospital this morning, so
he can make a start while Jim is out. He hands him a wad of notes
to collect a sink unit for the kitchen. When Gary comments that
Jim is not going to like that, Steve replies "well, he's
going to have to lump it then."
Alec pops into the back room of the Rovers doing his
best creeping act. He tells he that Jack is just opening up and
adds that he thinks Jack would go along with appointing Barbara
if they cannot find anyone else. He states that, although he wasn't
too sure at first, he thinks they've come up trumps. Vera isn't
so sure, though - she just has this feeling. Alec points out that
she isn't a good looker, so that couldn't be the objection and
asks whether it is the way she kept looking at Jack. "Don't
be stupid!" relies Vera unconvincingly. "Only I couldn't
help noticing that she'd taken a bit of a shine to him" says
Alec. "Actually, I've noticed it before" and proceeds
to explain that Jack has "this magnetic charm for some women!"
"Yeah well, he's an handsome man" replies Vera. "Oh,
to women of a certain age, yes" says Alec "Mind you,
he doesn't have that effect on young lasses, of course, I mean,
they hardly notice he's there.... if that was what was worrying
you, your problem, you know, we might be better going for a young
un... Anyway, I'll leave you to think about it...." Ace of
trumps played deftly.....
Jim returns home from the visit to the physio, to find
Gary hard at work, putting in a new sink. Jim tells him he doesn't
need a new sink and asks him to take it out. He tells Gary that
he doesn't need his sink, nor his charity. Gary has had enough
of being piggy in the middle and tells him to stuff it and says
that Jim is just making it harder for himself. Jim, however, says
that he is the best judge of that. He then loses his temper and
tells Gary to get out of the house and to take his things with
... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End
of part 1
After the ads, it's
Back at the Rovers, Alec is welcoming Barbara back in ... Vera
is out all afternoon, so the coast is clear. She asks whether
she was alright in her interview performance. "Alright? My,
why you're not up there with Judy Dench, I'll never know!"
greases Alec. "A better agent when I started out might have
helped, Alec!" is her riposte.. touch!! Alec congratulates
her on her fine performance and announces that Vera wants someone
young and sexy, after all, so they start again tomorrow. He hands
her some money telling her that it will cover her expenses.. she
accepts this and then asks for her fee. Alec tells her that it
IS her fee, but she insists that she got them the result they
were seeking. They start wrangling but she insists, she wants
her "silence money" unless they want to see her back
again. At that stage, realising he has no other option, Alec caves
into her demands. Jack comes into the room and offers his congratulations
on her performance, saying that he almost believed in the end
that she fancied him! "Well, that's a tribute to my acting
ability, Jack! It's amazing what you can do when you pretend!!"
One deflated Jack Duckworth! She leaves the room, with Alec telling
Jack that he's not to worry "think what we've got to look
In the corner shop, Fred Elliott is asking Maxine what
she thinks of the flat - she tells him that it's great. He tells
her that there are three or four others interested, so she'll
have to move fast if she wants it. Maud chips in that she has
never seen anyone else looking around, but Fred explains this
is because he is giving Maxine first refusal. "For you, 75
a week, only because I know you, mind!" is Fred's sales spiel.
Maud asks whether he has had that tap repaired in the bathroom
and Fred replies that it is all under control. "Or that socket
that young Chris kept complaining about?" continues Maud.
Fred gets irritated with her interference and asks whether she
has some work to be getting on with. Maxine is a bit concerned
and asks whether there is anything else wrong with it, to which
"Nowt!" is the reply from Fred, "What do you want
at that price, a luxury penthouse? See! I'll tell you what! You
say 'yes' now, you can have it for 65 a week, if not, it's first
come, first served." Maxine agrees to the deal and Fred tells
her that they will sort out the details later and that she has
made a very wise choice. When Maxine leaves, he turns on Maud
and sarcastically thanks her for her contribution. He tells her
that at that price, he's damned whether he is going to hurry up
with the repairs. If she wanted a peaceful life, she should have
kept her gob shut!!!!
Back at Emily's, Spider is counting the results of
his collection campaign. £3.20 plus an Irish florin!! As
ever, Emily looks on the bright side "They're supposed to
bring good luck, aren't they?" Spider tells her that they
are going to need it.. he stood for 8 hours in the precinct and
calculates that is rate of 40 pence an hour, he'd earn more than
that working in Baldwin's sweat shop! Emily tells him that she
has some money put away, from Ernest's legacy. Spider declines
the offer, but Emily continues... she tells him that she is not
planning to spend it all, but Spider is not happy. He points out
that if Audrey found out, she'd have a field day, saying he was
a Rasputin, preying on little old ladies. Emily replies that Audrey
can say what she likes, as it wouldn't be true. Spider is concerned,
that, irrespective of this, people would believe her. He is unhappy
at her bailing him out, she has been too good to him already,
he started this party and he'll find a way of funding it.
Alec is telling Fred that, now that he sorted out the
nominations fiasco with Audrey, he has arranged a campaign meeting
to "run a few policies past her." Fred thinks this is
a good idea and moving into plotting voice, he tells Alec that
maybe with "all those health food shops that keep opening
up all over the place, interfering with me trade, a well placed
councillor could block their planning applications." "Aye,
better street lighting out here, I could illuminate the front
of the pub for nowt" adds Alec. They decide not to mention
this at tonight's meeting, "best not give her the wrong idea"
is Alec's conclusion.... "we'll save it until she's elected."
Steve sees Gary in the pub and asks whether he has
seen Jim. Gary tells him that he'd just got started when Jim turned
up, lost his rag and threw him out. Steve tells him that he's
worried about his father and when asked by Gary, he says it is
two months since the accident. He says that he didn't expect him
to be on top of it, but he had expected him to be better than
he was. Gary tells him that he will not go back to the house until
he is on top of things. Steve asks him to hang fire until he's
had a chance of having a word with him first.
Vera wanders in looking rather the worse for drink.
She's spent the afternoon at the Coach and Horses, she's been
hitting the port and lemon. Alec tells her that they need to sort
out the replacement barmaid, but Vera announces that Jack need
not worry, as she has sorted out the problem. They wanted someone
young and sexy, she asks - "only for the good of the pub"
is Alec's noble reply - as the Coach and Horses are over-staffed,
she has got one of theirs. "A right cracker, blonde, good
looking..." she drools. Alec asks when she is due to start.
"Sandy's the name", Vera replies, "coming in later
to say hello! Here! Have we got any port on the go...?" A
flustered and irritated Alec ushers an inebriated Vera into the
Fred has overheard what has been happening and comments
that he thought that Vera didn't want anybody young. Alec tells
him that "no, she didn't but I dropped a diplomatic word
in her shell-like!" "Hmm and you sorted out Audrey yesterday.
I'm glad we're on the same side" replies Fred. "Ah,
the power behind the throne, Fred, just call me the Peter Mandelson
of Weatherfield!" "Very apt, Alec, they say he doesn't
have many friends, either!" is Fred's riposte. (For overseas
readers, Peter Mandelson is a leading light in the Labour Party
in the UK - he is credited as being one of the main figures responsible
for Labour's re-election, due to his PR/spin doctor skills and
not a popular figure among Labour's old guard.)
Roy has returned to the caf empty handed from the Passport
Office. He ran out of time, but he tells Gail that he hopes they
would be able to complete his paperwork in the last hour to catch
the last post. He bought some luggage in anticipation, just in
case, some of his luggage goes astray, he intends to pack a small
bag. There will be room for some of his medicines, just in case,
he cannot get things in Holland. Gail replies sarcastically that
he should charge up his shaver, in case they don't have electricity
over there. The sarcasm is lost on him, as we see him pondering
Back at the Rovers, Fred, Alec and Audrey are having
their campaign meeting. There is no meeting of minds as we have
two parallel conversations, Fred and Alec discussing the campaign,
Audrey her shopping trip, anything other than he job in hand.
"Low council tax and clean streets that's what local people
want" is Alec's suggestion. "Bin men putting lids back
on when they've done, that'd win this election" adds Fred.
"Arachnophobia! The fear of spiders! We could use that as
a slogan !" whitters Audrey. Alec insists on dragging her
back to the agenda, but Audrey asks whether they actually need
policies.... Alec points out that it is "not unusual in politics,
surprisingly enough, Audrey!" but Audrey feels that people
vote for whoever looks the nicest and "if it's between me
and him....." Fred is still pondering on the campaign "We
need an angle on education." "Good idea" replies
Alec, asking her how she stands on that issue. Audrey clearly
doesn't have a clue and says that all Alf did was to give out
the prizes out and unveil the plaques. Fred points out that this
was something Alf did when he was the mayor, but he sat on committees
for years before that. "Yes, but it's all down to Government,
is education" is Audrey's reply. Alec points out that local
government is responsible. "Seriously?" is Audrey's
surprised reply. "Well why do you think some boroughs have
Grammars and others have Comprehensives?" asks Fred. Audrey
maintains that she is not supposed to know all that stuff, to
which Alec tells her that she had better start learning. She's
having none of it, tells them to sort out what is important and
they are to tell her later at another meeting. Despite their protestations,
she bids her farewells as she has a lot to do and departs....
"Think of the perks!" says Fred trying to console Alec.
"Perks!! Can she get us to the front of the hospital waiting
list because we are gonna need it!" is Alec's frustrated
Back at Jim McDonald's, he is watching the television
weather forecast bored out of his mind. Steve lets him in and
is about to tackle Jim when Jim pre-empts the ticking off he is
about to receive. He tells him that he doesn't want to hear it,
but Steve insists he is going to have to hear it, to face up to
what has happened to him. "Face up to what's happened to
me" replies Jim, "don't you think I'm reminded of it
ever single day!" he snaps. Steve expresses his frustration
that the message is not sinking in and that Jim is trying to push
away everyone who wants to help. When Jim tells him that it is
his own life, Steve points out that people are going to get sick
of trying and then he will be left on his own! Jim is not perturbed
and snipes back, that at least he might get some peace. They start
arguing, but clearly the discussion is going nowhere with Jim
saying it is up to him to decide how he's going to deal with the
matter. Steve tries to point out, diplomatically, that Jim might
never walk again - Jim challenges him, wondering whether the hospital
have said something to him, but Steve refutes this. He points
out, however, that if the worst came to the worst, then it just
might soften the blow, but Jim refuses to contemplates this road.
Steve tells him that at least it is a road, currently he is speeding
down a cul-de-sac and he doesn't want to be there, when he hits
the end. He reluctantly accepts his father's right to make his
At the Rovers, Jack is all dressed up, clean shirt,
dicky-bow tie... Vera comments that this is obviously for Sandy's
benefit, but Jack doesn't want her to think that this is some
back-street dive. "Well, you can do what you like, nobody
looks at you according to Alec!" is Vera's snappy reply.
Greg, Maxine and Fiona are at the bar. Maxine is telling
Greg that she has just sorted out the flat and hope to move in
shortly. Fiona points out that now Maxine is just going to be
down the street she will have no reason to be late. Greg seeks
Maxine's confirmation that this is the flat above the corner shop,
"next door to that.. mechanic bloke..." falters Greg.
Fiona offers the information that Greg will know Sally as she
works for Mike Baldwin and Greg feigns recognition at that point.
He congratulates her in her brilliant move as we see Maxine preening
herself with joy. Funny though, why do we get the feeling that
Maxine is not going to be the beneficiary of his attentions?
At the Rovers, a frustrated Roy is having a drink with
Alma. She is trying to reassure him that his passport will arrive
safely in the morning. When Roy says that he hopes so, Alma jokingly
suggests that he borrows her passport "after all, everybody
else does!" In response to Alma's query regarding the documentation
on the table, he tells her that this was merely some information
that was handed out at the Passport Office. She asks whether he
is going to be an organ donor. Gail joins them and adds "it
saves lives, Martin is always going on about it. Roy tells them
he might consider it and Gail jumps in with both size sevens by
telling him to "take one to Hayley, she might want to donate
her organs!" Gail's faux-pas of the week is accompanied by
uncomfortable looks from both Roy and alma, the sort that comes
with excessive squirming.
A young man enters the Rovers, he is blonde, tall,
fit-looking... wearing a white T-shirt. He comes up to the bar
and asks Jack for Vera. "And who shall I say is asking?"
is Jack's query. "And what is it to you?" replies the
young man. "I'm her husband, that's why!" says Jack.
"Oh! So you're Jack, are you? says our young man. Just then
Vera comes in from the back, "So you've met my husband!"
she says. "And this is Alec". She then proceeds to tell
them that this is their replacement for Samantha, "this is
Sandy! Well, I said id get somebody young, sexy and blonde....
Ooh sorry! Have I missed summat out?" she cackles, as we
see Alec and Jack both looking gobsmacked.....
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Martin Allen
Script Copyright Granada Television
Well, how was it for me?
As usual some fine moments of pantomime provided by
Alec and Jack. They are masters of timing and delivery especially
Roy Barraclough, who must be one of the most experienced and
able comedy actors around. Nice touches from Vera and Fred as
well. The Peter Mandelson quip from Fred Elliott is probably
the quip of the week.
The squirm of the week.... That has to be Gail "foot
in mouth" Platt's organ donation quote... you don't know
whether to laugh, seethe or just squirm!
Anger, beautifully portrayed by Jim McDonald - paralysed,
totally frustrated, bitter. There has been a certain amount of
discussion on RATUCS as to the anger being unrealistic. I have
to say that I find it very credible indeed. I would suspect it
would be an unusual individual who did not hit out that way,
even at the people he loves - I am not condoning that behaviour,
merely saying that I find it understandable. That sort of anger
probably has to be vented before he can come to terms with his
plight and move forwards. Well portrayed.
All in all a pretty light-hearted episode...
And that's it for now..
... a tad longer than Dewey's Visual Update but then
it is a different medium...
My apologies for the delay in getting the updates
out over the last few weeks - tomorrow, I'm going to make a start
on last Friday's, 3rd July. Having seen that episode, I can promise
you that it's a real classic, so I will work extra hard to do
it justice..... until then, take care...
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan
Sunday 28 June
At the moment, life is passing me by as I attempt
to shrug off this appalling cold thingy in a parallel universe.
At least I think I am in some other world, as I'm sat here staring
at my scribbled notes from Sunday's episode thinking "what
on Earth has happened to me since I wrote up the previous update
?". The answer appears to be: nothing. 'S a bit sad, isn't
Has anything happened in the slightly wider world.
[Pause, thinks...] Apart from England taking a collective early
bath in France, nothing there either. Oh well, I hope things
have been a bit better for *you*. All 484 of you.
Perhaps we'd better press on...
Jack and Vera are tucking into breakfast in the back room of the
Rovers. Jack is poking fun at their latest barman, Sandy. "What
sort of a name's that - Sandy ?", asks Jack, forgetting of
course that that is what Big Jim calls Alec. Betty arrives for
work. She's heard the rumours and far from being worried is looking
forward to meeting the new recruit. Vera is convinced that girl
power demands a change of scenery behind the bar and alludes to
the "Full Monty". [Hardly, Vera, we don't really want
five redundant steelworkers pulling pints, I think.] Jack is not
so sure - he tells her that it's fellas that spend money at the
bar while women sit and nurse a single half of lager and lime
all night. On cue, Sandy arrives and is introduced to everyone.
He appears to exceed Betty's expectations !
The mail arrives at the cafe, and Roy finds his passport
as he hoped. Which is just as well as it turns out that he needs
to leave for the airport in less than an hour. Audreh advises
him not to bother checking-in as early as he is supposed to -
"we always turn up late !" she says. [So now you know
exactly what sort of person it is who causes those delays while
300 other people sit fuming in their seats as the captain announces
that they are still awaiting Mrs Roberts and we won't be going
without her as her luggage is already on board !] Gail offers
Audreh's services as chauffeur for Roy, and offer which the lady
herself quickly retracts, and Alma kindly steps in instead. Roy
goes off to run through his expedition checklist one last time.
Alec and Fred are discussing the merits of door-to-door
canvassing, in the Rovers. They agree it might be best not to
allow Audreh out on her own, lest she puts the voters off. To
Jack, Fred observes that no matter the pulling power of Sandy,
the punters will be staying away in droves if the Rovers doesn't
get itself a TV set for the duration of the World Cup. [This is
a bit late really, as the bulk of the matches were already played
out by the time this episode aired.]
In a rare location shoot, we find Alma and Roy at Manchester
Airport as he checks in for his flight to Amsterdam. Alma advises
him on where he needs to go next, which documents to keep and
which to give up, and wishes him well. She also asks him to pass
on her love to Hayley, as she has been thinking about her and
hopes all has gone well.
In the Kabin, Leanne is complaining to Rita that she
is not allowed to vote in the council elections, although she
*is* old enough to have naughties and get married. Rita is undecided
as to where her allegiances lie, as she had always supported Alf,
but Leanne is in no doubt that her vote would go to Spider. "He'll
walk it, anyway", she tells Rita. "Not with articles
like this in the paper", Rita replies, showing her the local
rag. She reads out the piece, which purports to be Audreh claiming
that Spider is an unwashed hippy who spent the nights on the recent
protest with underage schoolgirls. Leanne is furious as she realises
this means Toyah !
Back at the Rovers, Janice and a few non-speaking extras
arrive. Janice orders drinks and decides to splash out on a hotpot
for her dinner as she is a bit down and needs "a tonic".
Who should catch her eye not a few seconds later but the well-proportioned
Sandy... Vera plays along and asks Sandy to move the crates of
mixers he has brought up from the cellar. Needless to say, this
involves a certain amount of bending over and rear views of his
jeans, much to Janice's delight as she howls approval. Alec tut-tuts,
and suggests this wouldn't be allowed if the sexes were reversed,
to which Janice replies that it is merely positive discrimination.
She asks the younger Sandy to show everyone his pecs, and he duly
obliges. [This latest character it must be said is no great shakes
as an actor, but the story so far is that he is merely on-loan
from another pub and rumours suggest that a more permanent replacement
will be taking over shortly.]
Jim wheels himself into the bar, and finds Steve there.
Steve asks if Jim should be mixing alcohol with his medication,
a suggestion Jim is none too bothered about, and says he will
have "just the one". [You're ahead of me here, I know,
whenever has Jim had just the one ?]
Finally Fred enters and buttonholes Alec. He has seen
the newspaper article and is as pleased as punch with the negative
image of Spider that it portrays. But Alec takes the opposite
view - it is slanderous, and he thinks Spider might well take
legal action against them. Fred hasn't realised this at all.
My notes say "Adverts". And nothing else. So, nothing
to write home about, obviously.
The Granada purse strings are loosened further still as we move
further afield to Schiphol airport in Amsterdam, where Roy is
seen approaching a taxi driver. He struggles with his phrase book
while the driver looks on, bemused. [Another visitor who hasn't
been told that the Dutch speak better English than most of the
English !] Pretty soon, we have Roy telling the taxi driver that
he has come to meet someone special, and the taxi driver telling
Roy that he can certainly help him find someone special in Amsterdam
! It all rather goes over Roy's head...
Back in the Rovers, Jim [true to form] is on his ninth
drink, or thereabouts. He wants a tenth, but Vera doesn't want
Jack to serve him any more. While they argue, Jim gets angrier
and angrier, and finally tells Vera "you can take your crummy
little pub and shove it up your backside, you stupid cow".
Sandy wastes no time in ejecting Jim from the pub, tells him that
that was no way to speak to Vera, laughs off any suggestion that
Jim might in some way be able to sort him out, and finally advises
Jim to go home [and sleep it off]. Back inside, Jack sees an opportunity
and tells Sandy that he has overstepped the mark. Vera sides with
Sandy, telling Jack that Jim would have made mincemeat of him,
even in his wheelchair.
Said Jim is next seen in the corner shop, buying a
large bottle of whisky from Maud. "And you can stop looking
at me like that", he says, as Maud makes it fairly obvious
that she knows exactly what Jim is doing and why. "It's your
affair", she says.
Yawnsville as we see Maxine and Greg taking a look
in the flat above the shop, which Muppet One is hoping to rent
from Fred. Maxine is bubbling with enthusiasm and manages to suggest
to Greg that he can move in with her. He wastes no time in explaining
that he really needs to be in his own place.
In a blink of an eye, we are back in Holland as Roy
approaches a houseboat moored on one of the canals. We see him
struggling again with a suitcase, two shoulder bags, a map-case
around his neck and the inevitable anorak, as he peruses his phrase
book once more to converse with a man who is on the boat. It turns
out that Hayley does stay on the boat, with this man. Roy asks
if she is in. "Who are you ?" is the immediate reply,
"you're not expected." We learn that Hayley is away,
and won't be back until the next day. The man asks if Roy would
like to leave a message - "can I say who called ?".
Roy pauses and looks thoughtful in the way that only he can, before
deciding that no, there is no message. He looks crestfallen, having
obviously spent some while building himself up to the reunion.
In the Rovers once more, Sandy is leaving early, due
to a prior engagement according to Vera. She disappears round
the back, leaving Alec and Jack both trying to gee each other
into saying something to her. Alec is coming round to the idea
of having a new barman anyway, and Jack accuses him of being a
wimp. Audreh breezes in with two armfuls of shopping bags, and
announces that she has been buying new outfits in preparation
for the photo shoot coming up. She considers that this would have
been a perfectly proper use for campaign funds, although she did
pay for them herself, "after all, I'm hardly in need of new
outfits, am I ?" [Audrey is *always* in need of new outfits,
at least that's what she tells poor Alfeh !] Alec and Fred confront
her with the newspaper article. She brushes this off lightly,
first saying that she never mentioned Spider at all to the reporter
before claiming that she might have said something... but not
those words... well, not exactleh those words...
Spider and Emily are returning to her house after a
day's campaigning. Emily tells him to bear up, only a few people
slammed their doors on us ! Janice and Leanne arrive with a copy
of the local paper, very unhappy with the article. Spider realises
why some people had reacted as they did. He reads the entire piece
and notices that he was apparently "unavailable for comment".
The reporter had not even tried to contact him. Leanne tells him
that Audrey is no better than she is trying to make Spider out
to be, she herself had had two children with two different blokes.
[A flashback to some Victorian era, here, I mean it's 1998, who
cares about things like that these days ??] Janice splendidly
offers to take the offending paper and shove it so far up Audrey's
nether regions that "she can clean her teeth with it !"
Jim, meanwhile, has consumed the bottle of whisky and
is legless in every sense. He is also talking to himself, although
frankly this could well be more exciting than talking to anyone
else in his family... In trying to lever himself onto his bed,
he misses and ends up in a sorry heap on the floor.
The political hit squad arrive in the Rovers and accost
Audrey and Fred. Spider accuses Audrey of dirty tricks, and of
having a disgusting mind. The issue of Audrey's children is raised,
but it has little impact. As he gets more angry, Spider tells
Audrey that he will be seeking legal advice, and informs her that
she is a "loud-mouthed gossiping IDIOT !". [Yesssss
This episode was written by Sally Wainwright.
Perhaps slightly going off the boil again with this
new barman nonsense, and I have to confess it was very disappointing
that Roy didn't actually get to meet Hayley this time round.
There's dramatic tension, and there's spinning things out longer
than we really want. Something very dark is probably brewing
in Jim's mind as he slides further downhill - let's hope he's
going to survive whatever the scriptwriters throw at him, I like
Jim. Finally, whatever's going on in Greg's mind - who cares
? Terrific to see someone telling Audrey precisely what sort
of person she is.
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Best line: As Spider and Emily are discussing the
day's events, Spider observes that some people had been giving
him "funny looks". Then, after a perfect pause, he
adds "well, funnier than usual anyway !". Brilliant
Best scene: Roy struggling with his thoughts as he
tried to decide whether he would leave a message with Hayley's
"partner". His mannerisms as his eyes close and his
brow furrows and his lips sort of disappear are just fabulous.
I'm awa' the noo'. See you next week ! -- John Laird
It's morning at McDonald's, and Steve lets himself
in to find Big Jim in a somnolent posture on the floor, having
failed in his attempt to drag his whiskey sodden body into bed
the previous night, and had slept where he fell. He helps his
Spider and Emily leave the Corner Shop, Emily is encouraging
him to go into town to research suing Audreh for slander and The
Gazette for unfair reporting. Spider is giving the impression
of getting cold feet, but as Saint Emily says 'I should hope not,
otherwise I very much misjudged you.'
Hurrah! Outside Broadcast from Amsterdam. Roy and (hopefully)
It's a beautiful day for Roy to sit at a canalside
cafe, conveniently close to the houseboat fitting the address
given in Hayley's letter. A rugged nautical type lounges on deck,
smoking his pipe.
Just when it was nearly getting exciting, we cut back
to the Rovers where Sandy (new barman, not Alec-called-Sandy-by-Jim)
is telling Vera about a previous job doing a Tom Cruise in a cocktail
bar, the Imperial. Jack makes sarcastic comments, he really doesn't
want Sandy behind his bar. But Sandy has been serving the kind
of B list onetime celebrities you now see only on Celebrity Squares
- Lisa Stansfield, Joe Longthorne, Kiki Dee, The Krankies. Our
Janice is suitably impressed, and he goes on to invent a new cocktail
- tomato juice, ice, gin, salt & pepper, in a half pint glass.
He names it in honour of Vera - 'A Bloody Vera'. 'Ere, 'ave a
sip o' this, Jack, it's lovely, a Bloody Vera' ---- 'No thanks,
I've 'ad enough to last me a lifetime.'
(Note for non-UK viewers. The Krankies were, or perhaps
still are, a strange husband and wife act where she, Janette Krankie,
would dress and act the part of Wee Jimmie Krankie, a naughty
Scottish schoolboy. Curiously, our very own Janice Battersby bears
a more than strong resemblance to the aforementioned Wee Jimmie.
They're probably still going, in summer seasons at the end of
the pier in England's secondary seaside resorts.)
Ah, things are looking up, we're back to Amsterdam.
And Roy looks up, from looking at the pictures in 'de
Telegraaf', to see our all action naval hero is getting on his
bike and leaving the houseboat, where he believes Hayley will
be, now alone.
But we're back to Jim McDonald. Oh, Brian Park, you're
such a tease!!!
Gareh has called round, not looking for an apology
(for Jim's outburst yesterday), but to tell Jim that he and Steve
want to make the changes to the house because they want to help
him - and Gary particularly because he's a mate. Jim still doesn't
want to work done, and also turns down Gareh's invite to come
out to the pub to watch the football. Jim advises Gareh that he
won't be going to the Rover's, or any other pub again. 'Is that
because of the medication?' asks Gareh, and Jim announces that
he's facing up to things far better than Gareh thought - he itemises
the negative things in his life and then tells Gareh to go get
himself a pint - and not hurry back. Uh-oh, is Jim in terminal
The waiter at the canalside cafe seems to be troubled
by the strange Englishman spending longer at his table than absolutely
necessary with just a cup of coffee, but what's that in the distance?
It's a red anorak! And that very distinctive walk can only be
one person!!! Roy hurriedly leaves his table and rushes to meet
Hayley at the gate of the moorings. Hayley is, shall we say, a
little taken aback, but is delighted as Roy carries her bag to
END OF PART ONE.... (Ooooh, you're still teasing, Mr
RAudreh arrives at the Rover's fresh from her appointment
with the photographer, wearing a shiny blue suit. Fred is complimentary
- 'Ere she is, don't she look a right Bobby dazzler' (I haven't
heard that since my Granny died...). Vera suddenly realises that
Jack went down the cellar ten minutes ago, and then finds him
in agony at the top of the cellar steps - his back is giving him
gyp. Vera goes off to get him a painkiller, and comments about
how his health is deteriorating - Fred says it's a good job that
he (Jack) isn't a horse. (BTW what /did/ happen to Betty's Hotshot?)
Emily arrives, and refuses Audreh's olive branch offer
of a drink. Audreh gloats about her photo session, and asks if
Emily is arranging the same for her scruffy nephew - on recycled
Les sticks his two pennorth in, telling RAudreh that
what Audreh said to the Gazette about Toyah was libel. (No it
wasn't Les, if anything it was slander. Slander isn't worth the
paper it's written on. Joke. Failed.) and Les won't be voting
for her either.
Muppet 2 comes in to ask Fred if she can redecorate
before she moves in. Fred is all in favour, and she can have the
keys just as soon as she provides a deposit of 250 and a month's
rent in advance, total 510. This is news to Maxime, and she is
a little crestfallen, wondering where she will find that sort
Hey, we're back in Amsterdam where Hayley has prepared
a pot of coffee. What a bijou residence that houseboat is, all
mod cons, big windows, lots of computer equipment. What does our
all action naval hero do then? Roy tells Hayley a story about
a type of financial madness in the seventeenth century known as
Tulipomania - concluding with the punchline that 'the value of
tulips can go down as well as up'. (Paraphrasing the strap line
used on most financial product advertising in the UK). Now he's
broken the ice he can ask Hayley who 'that man' is, but we have
to wait for her answer because it's back to the McDonald's.
Steve admits Michael Wall, Jim's Occupational Therapist,
but Jim doesn't want to see him. He gives Steve a file of Rules
and Regulations for adapting premises for the disabled, but Steve
explains Jim's attitude to the work. Through the closed internal
door Jim reiterates that Steve isn't to let anyone in, but the
OT goes through anyway.
Roy and Hayley sit on the stern deck with their coffees,
and Roy explains that he just happened to be in the vicinity,
on his way to the bus station, and he just happened to have her
letter with him, so he knew the address. 'So, you met Johan, then'
asks Hayley, breezily. Roy needs to know how she met him, how
long she's lived with him. She says that she's lived there about
a month, since she answered his advert. Advert? This does not
compute with Roy, who must be thinking about dating agencies.
She explains that it's only a boatshare, there's no relationship,
indeed 'he's not really interested in women, if you get my meaning'
As Mike Plowman said, he's on the other canal bank.
Hayley is keen to learn how long he's staying, what
his hotel's like, and what sightseeing has he done and is planning
to do. She has an idea - they could visit the tulip museum, which
is on the way to Leiden! Hayley is obviously keen not to let him
go, but is running out of conversation with a difficult Roy, so
she asks if he has taken a walk along the canal. Honestly! How
could he not have done? She assures him that she has nothing else
she should be doing, and nothing else that she'd rather do.
Jim and the OT are discussing his future. OT reiterates
that Jim's future mobility depends on his positive mental attitude
and a determination to fight. Jim sees this as 'The System' absolving
themselves of any responsibility - if his legs never work again
then it's his fault. OT encourages him to do his exercises, build
up his upper body, get some independence and self respect back.
Jim sums it up 'I'll never walk again. Am I right?' As if to suggest
that Jim is right, and they've known all along, OT doesn't answer.
Saint Emily has bought a suit for Spider from the charity
shop where she works part time. A white suit. Spider claims he
doesn't wear suits, but Emily tries to make him understand that
image is important, particularly with the Weatherfield electorate,
who can be very prejudiced - he ought to be less unconventional.
Spider is suddenly concerned that he doesn't want Emily to fund
his campaign, though she maintains that it will be money well
spent. Then he drops his bombshell - if he is elected, he won't
actually take his seat.
Baldwin is commenting to Jack about Sandy's industriousness
- he never stops working, always serving, cleaning, tidying. Jack
feels ready for the knacker's yard. Les joins in, describes Sandy
as nowt but a 'big girl's blouse', and offers to prove it with
a best of three arm wrestling contest. Something he was good at
when he worked on the travelling fair. Sandy puts up a fiver,
and Les borrows one from Jack's till. Sandy sees him off with
the first two, and takes both tenners.
Spider is explaining that he wouldn't take his seat
because he wouldn't want to be seduced by power. Emily reasons
that a lone Independent Green wouldn't have any power, but his
lone voice could be heard by those who do have the power. 'And
you do believe in democracy, don't you?' 'Actually, Auntie Em,
I think I'm more of an anarchist'. Emily smiles her 'we've got
one here' smile.
An angry Jim manoeuvres himself out into the Street,
and speaks rudely to RJanice. Trying to prove himself, he encourages
her to race him to the end of the Street, but she doesn't move.
Maud wants to know when Audreh will stop picking on
people who are 'different' - Spider first, next it'll be her and
Jim, then 'tubby folk who wear specs', so Alec had better watch
out. Alec tells Fred that Audreh is getting out of hand - 'she's
being branded a Nazi now'. Fortunately Audreh arrives, all excited,
and Alec suggests a quiet tete-a-tete-a-trois with Fred.
Janice comes in and sits with Maud, telling her that
Jim is wheeling up and down the Street shouting at people. Maud
thinks it's just trying to draw attention to himself.
Alec is trying to encourage Audreh to apologise to
Spider before he goes legal. She is prepared only to put a note
through the door saying that she was misquoted. Alec wants her
to say that she intended no slur on his character, which she thinks
will humiliate her. And write to the Gazette similarly.
Janice goes to get Maud a drink, but Maud slips off
on a personal errand. Mike is leaving too, saying that he must
go because he's driving. Do we have a drink/drive storyline coming
Mike goes out to his car and unlocks it with the remote
device (and how could it have been locked when the driver's window
is obviously open?). It's like Gunfight at the OK Corral - Maud
in her chair outside the Rover's, Jim in his outside the Kabin.
As Mike accelerates toward Jim, Jim launches his chair into Mike's
path. Is it Teresa the Turkey all over again? No, Mike stops in
time and tells the big man to 'watch where you're going, you stupid
berk.' Jim tells him next time not to jump on the brakes.
Closing shot is Maud, viewing the scene from outside
Monday 29 June
I'm sorry, I cut the recording before the credits
finished, so I can't quote the writer [Phil Woods - Graham]
Written by John
Laird, Peter Dewhirst,
CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk