Episode updates - July 1998

Wednesday 1 July

Dear Update Readers,

Late again, unfortunately, so with no further ado here is the update:

The episode opens out in the Street, with Maud accosting Gareh and asking him to let her into Jim McDonald's house. (She knows he has a key because he's been doing work there, and besides, she's not called CNN Maud for nothing). Gareh is a little reluctant, but there's no stopping Maud once roused. "He's been out in the road playing dodgems in his wheelchair," says Maud, referring to the sad Irish brickie ensconced within. Gareh, who knows from his own experiences with Judeh how useless it is to argue with a strong woman, lets Maud in.

"What the hell are you doing here?" says Jim. (I hope he got a refund from the charm school, but I think perhaps not). "I were watching out there," says Maud, "when you were trying to get Mike Baldwin to run you over." Jim, sensing a sermon coming on, is definitely not in the mood. "Oh you stupid old bat! Just get out of my house, will you?" he snarls. (A distinct lack of verisimilitude here. Surely someone like Jim, suddenly cornered by a Maud on mission, would opt for a bit of effing and blinding? Stupid old bat? Please! Not that I'm over fond of expletives, but a judiciously placed 'fuck' when it's not expected can spice up dramatic narrative no end. And it's not as if we don't hear it all the time, because we do. Even my mother no longer flinches when she hears the F-word. I remember an incident which happened a couple of summers ago. Some boys were playing in the field which backs on to her garden, and their ball came flying over the fence for the umpteenth time. Tired of throwing it back to them, she took it indoors and said that they would have to come round and fetch it themselves. "Ah, go on, yer fucking old bag," cried one of them. My mother, who is vanity personified, gave him a withering glance. "Not so much of the 'old', you cheeky bugger," she shouted, and trotted back across the lawn to the house.)

Anyway, Maud tells Jim that she didn't think for one minute that he really wanted to kill himself, and that all he was doing was playing to the gallery in order to get attention, nay, pity even. Jim tries to silence her, but to no avail. "Tell me something, Maud. It's always baffled me, the fact that you've lived to be so ancient. Why has no-one tried to throttle you before now?" But Jim has seriously underestimated this formidable harridan: as she herself once said, just because she is in a wheelchair, it's no reason for people to push her around. And today she is the one doing the pushing. And so on she breezes, taunting Jim to finish himself off properly next time. "I'll help you do it, next time," she says. "I like a good funeral."

Several hundred miles away in balmy Amsterdam, Roy and Hayley are about to set off on their tour of the city. "Now you're sure I'm not stopping you from doing whatever it is you would be doing if I wasn't here?" asks Roy. Hayley beams a wry smile back at him. "One of my resolutions when I left England," she says, "was that no-one would ever stop me from doing anything ever again." (Go Hayley! Isn't it amazing what a little surgery can do? Bye bye willy, hello willpower! Was I the only one cheering when she said this? I think not!). And so off they set, a match made in Heaven, to spend the day pottering around the town.

Back in the Street, Maud Grimes is still hammering away at Jim McDonald's conscience. "Somebody told me that you used to be a soldier, " she says. "Well you'll have heard a lot of talk about courage, about what it is to be brave. Did you?" (Jim punctuates each of Maud's sentences with a "God help me!" or a "Get out!", but it's like water off a duck's back to Maud). She says that he's wrong if he thinks that courage is solely the domain of the young and strong. "It's when you can't be strong that you need to have courage," she opines. Jim tells her that he doesn't need a lecture from her, or from anyone else come to that. "I know," she says, "not from an old cripple woman sitting behind a counter. But what I remind myself everyday is those young lads that I grew up alongside..." And off she sails into a lengthy diatribe about the nation's youth being turned into soldiers and fighting for king and country, and about how half of them never came back. The fact that these babes-in-arms were cut down in their prime makes Maud feel privileged, just to have lived on after them, while they lie beneath the soil in 'some foreign cemetery'. (At this point I expected to hear the stirring strings of Barber's Adagio swell up and engulf us. Maud's sermonising was well-intentioned, but it reminded me too much of my mother, who takes every opportunity she can to tell me, when I'm down, how lucky I am, and how I should be grateful that I wasn't forced to join the army when I was eighteen and sent overseas to 'stick one up Jerry', as she always puts it. And of course, there's always the bit about there always being someone worse off than me. "Just remember," my mother whines, "however bad you're feeling, there's always someone worse off than you." I always shout back at her, "Well name them then!" but of course she never does.) Finally, Maud gets Jim to tell her which regiment he was in (Royal Engineers), and she asks him whether he still remembers his number (67569897, Sergeant James McDonald). I almost expected him to stand to attention. Having said her piece, Maud departs.

Chez Mrs Bishop, Emily is still unhappy about Spider's snap decision not to take his seat on the council if elected. "Who's going to vote for me anyway," he moans. "Nobody, if they knew the truth," says Aunty Em. Spider says that his manifesto will include nothing but the truth - apart, of course, from his intention not to take up his seat. Spider thinks that his stance will prove something about the state of the country, about the fraudulent nature of politicians and their promises, and the sad fact that every vote is a wasted vote. "I'm only trying to educate people!" he says. Emily, however, looks far from convinced.

Over at Fiddling With Fringes But Never Cutting As Much As Even A Millimetre Off People's Hair by Fiona, Maxime is moaning about the deposit she has to find if she is to take Fred's, I say, Fred's flat. "Most people, if they needed to get hold of £500, would ask their friends," says Maxime. (Not necessarily; there are other ways of earning that amount in as short a time as possible, and heaven knows Maxime is certainly dressed for the part...). She hints at an advance on her wages, but Fiona is not at all amenable. Audreh says she would help if she could, but she needs every penny she has in case she is sued and has to "spend millions for speaking the truth." Maxime asks Fiona again whether she would consider an advance, but Fiona is adamant. "So you'd rather see me sleeping on the streets, then?" moans Maxime, trying to tug at the heart strings but succeeding only in making the gorge rise. (Not on, but six foot under, shouted nineteen million voices in unison. Am I being bitchy? You bet your ass.)

Over at the Rovers, Randy Sandy has been down into the cellar to hump some barrels - well, it takes all sorts - and when he comes back into the bar, his lovely M&S T-Shirt is all dirty. "It's like the Black Hole of Calcutta down that cellar," he says. (He obviously hasn't been to my local branch of Kwik-Save, which I refuse to enter unless heavily disguised and even more heavily insured, for reasons far too convoluted to go into here). Vera upbraids Jack over the state of the cellar and tells him to clean it up. "Have you seen the mess it's made of Sandy's t-shirt?" she says. "Well he shouldn't have come dressed as an ice-cream salesman, should he?" retorts Jack. Vera tells Sandy to come through to the back so that she can find him something to change into.

Meanwhile, Audreh appears in the bar and presents Fred and Alec with the photographer's bill. Alec thinks the bill is far too steep. "Oh Alec," says Audreh, "You want me to look attractive and energetic and intelligent, don't you?" Alec's put-down is priceless. "And he managed all that? Oh, he's worth it then." Spider is also in the bar, and he asks Audreh whether she has managed to get the local newspaper to issue a retraction. She says that she has, although obviously she has no idea what they will say. "You shouldn't be in politics if you can't stand the cut and thrust," booms Fred. "That wasnt' cut and thrust," says Spider, "that was character assassination."

In the backroom of the Rovers, Vera is ordering Sandy to take his T-shirt off, which provides a cue for a bit of abs and pecs flexing. Jack enters to find a half-naked Sandy about to try on one of his (i.e Jack's) T-shirts. (Obviously from the 'Man from C&A' range, circa 1974). Like its owner, it's old, it's cruddy, but on Sandy it looks like something Versace might have designed. At least that's what Vera thinks. Jack goes off in a huff, with Sandy's exit coming a few seconds later. As the latter leaves, Vera allows herself a sniff of his soiled T-shirt. Her eyes roll in ecstasy: heaven!

Out in the corridor, Sandy bumps into Alec. "Ah, don't tell me," says Sandy, "Jack's not happy." Alec grimaces. "Who said he's supposed to be," he retorts. "This is England. We don't have any of that 'rights to happiness' stuff over here." (Wonderful stuff! And spoken like the old misanthrope he is!) Alec then changes the subject and asks Sandy whether he would like to make lots of money for doing 'next to nothing' - well, not exactly nothing. It would involve eating, drinking and smiling a lot. Yes, you've guessed it: Golden Years! Alec is doing his pimping routine again, this time with the nubile young Sandy rather than the clapped-out old Ken.

Back in Amsterdam, Roy is telling Hayley how civilised he finds Amsterdam. "I thought there'd be more drop-outs and weirdos," he says. (Sorry, Roy, you're confusing Amsterdam with Birmingham, which isn't difficult given that they're both riddled with canals. Did you know, by the way, that Birmingham has more canals, mile for mile, than Venice? My mother opens every conversation with that little nugget whenever she meets a stranger. She lulls them into a false sense of security, letting them think that she's an affable, cultured woman. Ten minutes later and they're gagging for insulin). Hayley raises an eyebrow or two. "People who don't fit into normal society?" she asks. "Yes," says Roy, "the freaky, sort of way-out sort of people." Hayley smiles. "Well they do exist," she says. "There I was, walking alongside you all the time!" Hayley tries to deflect Roy's embarrassment by asking him if he fancies an Indonesian later on, because she knows one which isn't too far away. (And yes, we're talking restaurants, here).

Meanwhile, Spider is being grilled by Emily and Ken over his decision not to take up his council seat if elected. "Are you happy never to have any power, never to achieve anything?" bleats Ken. "You'd make an excellent councellor, you'd wake people up, get them thinking. You might actually achieve something." Ken threatens Spider and says that unless he comes clean in the manifesto, he (i.e. Ken) will go round the whole of Weatherfield to tell everyone what a fraud Spider is.

Back at the Rovers, Maxime approaches Fred to buy time in which to find the deposit for the flat. Fred greets her with a warm, "And here she is: a middle-aged man's fantasy - young, beautiful, and bringing a large cheque or cash, even better!" (I have to agree with Fred and say that I fantasize about Maxime too. The only difference is that my fantasy involves men in green gowns, a flickering ECT machine, and the words, "We're losing her....". Am I being bitchy? You bet your ass). Anyway, she doesn't have the deposit. Fred finally gives her another day to find the required amount.

Sandy, meanwhile, is finding out more about Golden Years - which, Alec assures him, is totally above board and 'registered with all the offical bodies and so forth'. "And all I have to do is go out with them for a meal, or to a show?" asks Sandy. "Yes - and what happens after the show, or the meal, well, I won't be asking any questions will I?"

Help - I'm running out of time. The last part of the show will have to be telegraphed into a couple of paragraphs, I'm afraid, but any gems or nuggets will be highlighted, I promise.

Maxime moans to Greg that she can't raise the deposit. Is she not confusing us with viewers who give a toss?

On that lovely little houseboat in Amsterdam, Hayley opens her heart and tells Roy how she feels as though she is coming to the end of a long journey; that she is finally arriving at the destination she has hankered after for so long. She tells him that she wants to live a full and normal life, with a job and friends. Who knows, she might even fall in love one day? This new-found confidence of Hayley's overwhelms Roy somewhat, and he hides his embarrassment in his coffee mug.

Spider teases Ken and Emily with a political manifesto that is radical to the core and obviously a piss-take, before showing them the real thing. (Poor Emily - she hasn't been 'shown the real thing' since Ernest died! Surely if one goes without for that long, one heals up? No? Well, I only asked).

Jim wheels himself into the corner shop and thanks Maud for the pep-talk she gave him the day before, while Greg assures Maxime that he will get the flat by telling Fred that she can't raise the deposit before making the fat butcher an offer himself.

Spider is frogmarched by Emily and Ken to "Hair By Fiona" so that he can have his fringe fiddle with.

The lovely Sandy gets the instructions for his first Golden Years assignment: "Don't go there smelling of drink; suck a mint. And remember the little things. Open doors for her; tell her she's got a nice frock on. Don't stare at the wig!" (Wonderful stuff!)

And finally, back in old Amsterdam, Roy finally finds the courage to ask Hayley whether she plans to come back to Weatherfield. She says that she'll have to come back to sell her father's house, but will only stay if there is someone to stay for. Roy clams up again, and Hayley looks around, embarrassed because of his embarrassment.

And now I'm embarrassed too because I've got a dinner date and I have to run. Thanks to AlanM for sending me the audio tape for this update, after Him Indoors wiped the video.

Love and hugs until next time, and sorry again for the delay.

Becky's update for 8th July should be going online soon, and my update for 15th will be online following that one.

tara for now, CP

Friday 3 July

Well here we are again.... at long last, I've caught up with my updates. I really have to say that I feel very privileged to be writing up this one. Those of you who know me from RATUCS and from IRC will know my feelings on this episode and how special this was. Those of you who missed it will probably have heard about it. As an understatement, let's just say that this has been an exceptional episode which has aroused great acclaim, probably one of the most outstanding ones for many years.

Accordingly, I am skipping the prologue section again. To mark this very special episode, I have decided to do something a little bit unusual to try to do it justice. I am linking this Update with Mike Plowman's excellent Coronation Street Visual updates for the episode in question.

You will find that I have embedded the appropriate Internet URL in the text of this update, linking it to the relevant Visual on Mike's CSVU - if you are online when reading the Update and click on the address shown, you will be able to download the picture in question. Hopefully, this will supplement my Update text and enhance your enjoyment of the episode.NB: the embedded links will expire in September 1998

Sunday 5 July

I was just getting started on this, when I ran across CP's latest effort in ratucs. I am still chuckling at his rendering of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" - hope you all enjoyed it too. Now we finally know why he's been running about 2 weeks late, the swine is actually Andrew Lloyd Webber in disguise and it's taking nigh on a week to pen a little ditty to preface the update itself !

Hopefully, updates will be rattling out in a more timely fashion - this one is being written on the Tuesday night after the Sunday episode which is about as good as it gets for me, so I at least can relax a little having extricated myself from the firing line. Even from my own point of view, it's far more rewarding to be commenting on something that's fairly fresh in my mind, with perhaps only one episode (or two at most) having been seen afterwards, as it were. When I was catching up from being over a week late, there had occasionally been 5 or 6 episodes seen since the one I was bringing you, and well, it's like eating thrice-reheated beans...

So, I can gaze at my hen-scratchings with a little more real enthusiasm and affection for the programme, not least because it has been getting better by the bucketload recently. Just to remind you, last Friday we saw Hayley and Roy returning together after a simply breathtaking reunion either side of a wall of glass at Amsterdam airport, only to be pulled up at immigration on their way into Britain.

Act 1
The story continues at the cafe, as Roy and Hayley arrive at the end of their journey. Roy is fuming at Hayley's treatment by the Customs officials, as apparently she had been detained for questioning for two hours, while no-one had told him what was happening at all. Hayley misreads this as Roy being upset on his own behalf, and tries to apologise, but he corrects her and says that he is angry that *she* was treated this way. He is going to write to the immigration people, and his MP, but Hayley begs him not to. She says she is "a private person", and doesn't want to call attention to herself unnecessarily. Finally, he accepts this, and offers to put the kettle on.

Rita walks into the Rovers, and is greeted by Alec. She looks and sounds dreadful, and is suffering from a very bad cold. Alec offers sympathy and his own special pick-me-up concoction from the bar. Behind which, Jack is seen telling Vera that he is going to sort out the problem of hiring a new barmaid after Sandy's rapid departure, and asks her to go fetch the list of candidates they have already seen. He'll be wondering how he can sneak that Chantelle one back, methinks.

[Hang on, having a bit of trouble with my scribbled notes here. All I can make out is zzzz and zzz and zzzzzzz... I'll take a closer look, and, ah hah !] It's Maxine and Greg, also in t'Rovers. Muppet One is quizzing Greg as to why he seems so cagey at the moment, "I thought we were moving in together", she says. Greg has been reading the dating guide though, and is a few steps ahead of Maxine who clearly "wants to talk". "I need my own space" he announces, to no great surprise. [Maxine is so dopey, she fails to spot why he is harder to pin down than a particularly well-oiled eel.] She pouts. We yawn.

Back in the cafe, a far more well-matched pair are also having a heart to heart. Hayley is upset that Roy is upset. She thinks perhaps that she is too much of a coward, and hates herself for being so shy and failing to stand up for herself more. Roy reassures her that he is a private person too. "I'd understand it if you didn't want any more to do with me", she tells him. Roy is in a different league to Greg and far from seeing this as a getout clause, seizes the initiative and asks Hayley to stay the night ! He quickly adds that of course he will sleep on the sofa, but Hayley insists that he need not give up his own bed - she will take the sofa instead. [Now, isn't this a lot better than the feverish tonsil-tickling going on elsewhere ? Hands up who else if just a great big romantic old Hector...]

Natalie finally arrives back at the Rovers, and chats with Vera, who is very worried about letting Jack take over the personnel recruitment again. Natalie recommends her niece as a suitable replacement for the short-lived Sandy. Rita finishes her drink and thanks Alec. He waives any offer of payment, saying it is on him, and she need only get in touch if there is anything she needs. Rita retires home to her sick-bed. Alec looks concerned.

Greg tells Maxine that he cannot offer her the sort of commitment she is after. Indignantly [in so far as can distinguish one pouty expression from another] she suggests that he cannot feel much for her, in that case. Slimeball adopts the sympathy strategy, explaining how his deprived upbringing has left him inside a protective shell [this is the boy who was brought up by his Mum and a very wealthy and supportive step-father, let's not forget, supposedly tortured by not knowing that his real father was our very own Les Battersby]. He asks her if she will help him, poor mite, and Maxine agrees to take things a little more slowly.

They leave, as Jack calls time. He remembers that Vera has still not found the list of candidates, but Vera tells him that she has already sorted it, as Natalie's niece is coming in the following day. V is back in charge !

At campaign headquarters, Emily tells Spider that she has recruited several friends to help stick up posters around the town. Spider is unsure, saying how much he dislikes his portrait, how it's not really him. Auntie Em tells him that he needs to get used to the idea of his image being important too. "You need to... how do you say it... Get real !" she adds.

Above the cafe, in Roy's flat, we see Hayley ready for bed [or settee to be slightly more accurate], while on the table a clockwork musical windmill is going round. It is sitting in amongst a few pots of Humbrol enamel paint. [And I am indebted to Mike Plowman for pointing out that little gem of information on his CSVU pages.] There is a knock at the door, and by the time Roy enters, Hayley has jumped under the covers on the settee. [And naturally they are both attired in dressing gowns, while underneath pyjamas and nighties are securely buttoned right to the neck !] Still unsure of themselves, they exchange hello's. Roy has come to put the record straight about his being in Amsterdam - it wasn't a coincidence, he went as a result of Hayley's letter. Hayley is pleased. "Well, goodnight !", says our hero, and... offers a handshake ! Hayley grabs his hand and pulls him down slightly to give him a peck on the cheek. As Roy retires to his own bedroom, Hayley ducks under the covers so we can only see her eyes, which reveal a very mischievous expression...

Intermission
I think I'll have to start missing this bit out, as there's little entertainment value any more !

Act 2
[The next day.] Roy and Hayley are both up and dressed. Hayley suggests that Roy's trip to Amsterdam must have been a big thing for him, as he hadn't been abroad before. Roy tells her that he felt he owed it to her, as the best friend he'd ever had. Hayley looks a little unsure at his answer, but he goes on to say that he had wanted her to come back. "Where do we go from here then ?", she asks. Roy furrows his brow for a few seconds, and comes up with "you'll need to go shopping". "For some food and stuff, on your way home." This isn't what Hayley meant, of course, and she looks disappointed, but Roy recovers a little ground by cheerily asking if she would like to go out for a pizza at lunchtime.

Around the corner from the Kabin, we observe Emily and Alma and Mike poking fun at Audrey's campaign posters, featuring a portrait of the lady herself which must have been taken before colour film was available ! Alec is not best pleased with their reactions.

Liz is round at Jim's house, helping out. Jim remarks that he doubts they'll be seeing Michael (the therapist) again, so they won't. This prompts a knock on the front door, and of course it's Michael, arriving for "Round 2" as he puts it. Liz leaves, and the two men discuss Jim's future. Jim has come to terms with the fact that a full recovery won't be coming along next week, if it all. In return, Michael acts a few probing questions about Jim's ex-wife - perhaps surprised at how friendly the couple still are. [Sniff, sniff. I can smell something brewing here !]

Emily is in the Kabin, presuming rather a lot about Rita's willingness to support Spider's campaign, when Audreh arrives. Rita becomes more annoyed with the pair of them assuming anything at all on her account, and ends up asking them both to get out of her shop, but not before Emily scores a bulls-eye asking Audreh what happened to her recent photographs. "Oh, they were useless", says Audreh. "Why, did they show you as you really are ?".

Hayley is off home, and Roy gives her a quick kiss on the cheek as she leaves the cafe. However, their attempts to keep this low-key fail somewhat as Gail spots them, and barely able to contain her amusement and curiosity asks Roy if she did see what she thought she'd seen. "I expected you back" she tells him, "but not Hayley. Let alone staying here the night !!". Roy looks as if he knows it's going to be one of those days.

A rare appearance by Alf in the Rovers, as he talks to Alec about Audrey's campaign. They are pretty down in the dumps, but Fred is ebullient about the posters. At that moment, Audreh arrives in person, and is accosted by Maud who wants to give her some friendly advice. "Don't give up your day job", she says, "if vanity is what you stand for !". To top this, Curly also arrives, and says much the same to Spider. "You're a pair of pathetic fakes !" he tells him. [Curly's been gone for some time, and it took me a little while to remember that the pair last crossed paths when Curly asked Spider to write an environmentally-friendly speech for him to give at a Square Dealers meeting, Spider put the boot in and Curly had to think fast on his feet to recover.]

Jack quizzes Natalie about her niece. "Is she like you ?", asks Jack. "Womanly, and curvaceous ?". Natalie is far too smart for Jack, and tells him that Natalie is a student, she's more into studs and heavy boots. "You'll like her", she teases him, "she's got sparkle !".

Alec takes delivery of a tiny portable TV, for the regulars to watch the World Cup. He fiddles with it, not managing to get much of a picture, while Jack tells him of his worries about Lorraine. "We've got 24 hours to organise a new barmaid before Natalie's plug-ugly student niece arrives !" He suspects the "sparkle" might be the light glinting off her nose studs !

Back at Jim's house, Michael has left, and Liz is back to bring Jim his lunch. She asks after Michael, suggesting he is doing a grand job and it won't be long before Jim is able to do much more for himself. [Oh yes there's no smoke without fire and something's definitely smouldering around La Mouton at the moment !]

Alec accosts Audreh, demanding to know what happened to the 190 pounds' worth of photos he'd paid for with campaign funds. Audrey tells him they weren't suitable, but he's not happy. "We can't have you turning up on people's doorsteps now, they'll think you're the candidate's mother !"

Spider has been looking unhappily at his own posters as well, and bumps into Emily and a few of her friends who are busy putting more up. Emily introduces Spider to them, but he responds by tearing the posters down, and telling them all that he'll be fighting his campaign "his way" from now on. Emily looks shocked and a little disappointed.

This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.

Once again, Roy and Hayley save the day and drag the whole show up out of a bit of a mire of rather dreary goings-on. The gradual easing of tension as they both become more comfortable with each other is wonderfully written and played, and at the same time the writers continue to tease us with awkward moments as the characters reach one hurdle after another. How I wish I was the one to bring you news of tomorrow's episode, but that honour falls to Dewey. (And I'm saying no more about it than that !)

Rita's illness is worrying, as it's not the sort of plot-line that casually appears and disappears. On the other hand, Alf looks like someone who needs a graceful retirement, as he's clearly not up to regular appearance in the show any more. Audrey more than makes up for him, being the equivalent of about three normal characters, although I have to say that I absolutely loathe the "gossip" in any soap, no matter how well played they might be.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****

Till we meet again, John

Monday 6 July

As we open, to morning in Roy's Rolls, we see the eponymous cafe part-owner on the telephone, making some sort of arrangements for 'eight o'clock'. Gail asks if he's 'treating Hayley', which Roy confirms, but then adds, with a little disappointment, that Hayley generally insists on paying for herself.

Gail, who knew that Hayley stayed the night when they got back from Amsterdam, wants to know if Hayley stayed again last night. Roy, with a bit of irritation, tells her no, it was just the once, and why should she when she has a house of her own?

Alma comes in, and Roy, perhaps wanting to avoid further questioning, announces that he's going to the Post Office because they are running out of fifty pence pieces.

As he leaves, Gail excitedly tells Alma that Hayley slept over. A worried look crosses Alma's face - 'they've not slept together?' Gail senses Alma's concern and asks why she said that, and whether it is so unbelievable an idea. Alma shrugs.

Spider comes down to apologise to Saint Emily, and asks if she wants him to move out. Neither wants that, but Emily thinks he should find a new campaign manager, someone younger, with fresh ideas. Someone who isn't going to make him be what he isn't. He explains how he felt such a twerp wearing the white suit, and asks Emily how she would feel if the boot were on the other foot and he asked her to wear a shell-suit. Emily agrees that she's out of touch because she doesn't know what a shell-suit is. She agrees to stay on as campaign manager until he can find a replacement.

At the Kabin, an increasingly weary Rita proposes to Leanne that she might like to take on some more responsibility - the early shift every day, starting tomorrow. Leanne is happy to do this, especially as Rita offers to make it worth her while.

Alec comes in for a copy of Exchange & Mart and 'forty of my usual'. (Surely they sell his usual fags in the Rover's? Or is the vending machine dearer than the Kabin?) He asks after Rita's health, which isn't good, she's had another sleepless night and has 'flu pending. Rita then gives an excited Leanne the keys left by Mavis, a move which surprises Alec. 'Is that wise', he asks, to which Rita replies that she's getting old, she can't handle the six a.m. starts for the papers any more.

Steve is just about to leave Fiona's flat, and invites her and Morgan to join him for tea at Big Jim's. Fiona politely declines, saying Morgan is teething. As he leaves the salon, he checks with Fiona that it's OK if he goes. Maxine seizes on this and teases Fiona about domestic harmony. Fiona retaliates with a crack about Maxime & Greg's relationship being free and easy, in fact so free and easy that he's taking her for a ride. Audrey almost has to break them up.

An unlikely visitor in 'Hair by Fiona' is Alec, who has come to demand that Audreh takes down her election posters because people are sniggering at the twenty year old photograph. Alec is still smarting at laying out £190 for the 'official' photos. Audrey has to admit that the new photos can not be used because she burnt them - 'as they made me look like Grandma Buggins... I wouldn't mind, if they looked like me!' Alec, still spluttering about £190 asks if she's looked in a mirror lately.

Hey! Here's some long absent neck muscles! Dreary and Nurse Mouton are discussing Jim's intended recovery, and improved frame of mind.

A new face arrives, it's Natalie's niece, Lorraine. Jack is immediately taken with her. But then, she does exhibit his previously stated criteria for a barmaid - a pretty face and a big pair of bazoomas. She apologises for her lateness, due to a misunderstanding, and assures Jack that she's really very punctual. As he takes her through to the back she tells him that she only has one real failing, indecisiveness. Or at least she thinks she does. This forced bonhomie doesn't sit easily with Natalie, who looks as if she's already regretting getting Lorraine the job.

Spider and Emily are in a booth, expecting a verbal assault from Curly - if he says anything, just ignore him' says Emily. Curly wants to know what cuddly policies Spider is supporting today. Emily (nearly wanting to bang their heads together) tells them both that both men probably have the same ideas and values about so many things, but from different angles. Simultaneously they retort 'leave it out, Emily'. She draws more parallels between them, and goes off to buy them all a drink. Guess who will be Spider's new campaign manager come Wednesday?

Lorraine is being interviewed by Vera and Jack. Although her experience has mainly been on 'the other side of the bar', her parents used to keep 'The Black Head' in West Didsbury before they moved to run an hotel in Buxton - and livened that town up. She softens Vera up by saying how much they remind her of her parents. Alec comes in to be introduced, but he's more troubled by his £190.

Greg has called at the Salon, to find Maxime out, and Fiona on her own. He suggests she cuts his hair while he waits, but Fiona says she would charge him £6 whereas Maxime would do it for nothing in the comfort of home. Fiona is taken aback when Greg replies that 'you've got to pay for quality.' She accuses him of not having the slightest bit of respect for Maxime. Just when it seems that Studley II is moving in on Fiona, Maxime enters, to hugs and kisses, and an invite to drinks at 6ish in the Rovers.

END OF PART ONE

A happy and content Jim welcomes his family, but is surprised that Fiona hasn't come with Steve. Liz and Steve, however, are surprised that they can't smell any cooking - and they're hungry. Jim has to admit that he hasn't cooked, and gives Steve a tenner to go to the chippy. And he wants a bottle of Dandelion and Burdock, to toast their white wine with.

Audreh is preparing to leave the salon. She's going to 'pick up Pinky and Perky at the Rover's, and then go out shaking hands with the great unwashed'. Canvassing with Alec and Fred. Fiona teases her about kissing babies, which Audrey has never understood, because 'it's not as if they can even vote'. After she's gone, Fiona raises the subject of Greg - with all that business with Greg not wanting to commit to her moving in the flat, is he trying to tell her something? Maxime won't hear this criticism, now she thinks she's found her ideal man, and tells Fiona that she's beginning to sound like her mother. Fiona suggests she doesn't know him as well as she thinks she does.

Audrey finds Pinky and Perky, and wants a gin and tonic before she goes. Fred tells her that the posters are excellent - 'all of Weatherfield is agog'. Alec continues to mither about the £190.

In the Rover's, Hayley is chatting with Alma, telling her that she's going out with Roy tonight. Alma is delighted about how Roy went off to Amsterdam to find her, but Hayley is unsure how he feels about her. Sometimes she gets the feeling that she's just kidding herself that he likes her 'like that'. Alma raises the subject of her staying at Roy's flat. Hayley soon tells her that 'nowt happened', and it was convenient rather than going back to an empty house. Hayley is quite amused that Gail had thought they'd been 'up to something'.

Our hero arrives, and won't stay for a drink, dragging Hayley away.

Curly arrives, and orders a pint from Lorraine. It is lust at first sight, he cannot keep his eyes off her. Lorraine mistakenly assumes that the woman next to him, Maxime, is his girlfriend, which Curly soon puts right. Maxime is wandering round looking for Greg, but no-one has seen him.

Back at McDonald's, Jim is explaining that the reason for getting them round is to thank them for supporting him, and encouraging him. He appreciates what he had before, and is pleased that they are still on speaking terms.

The Rover's is very quiet, and Lorraine is selecting on the juke box. Curly is trying to look like he's idly looking in her direction, when in truth he's ogling her. Jack teases him that his tongue is hanging out. Spider comes in, for a civil word, now that Saint Emily has effected a reconciliation. He wants to borrow Curly's computer to print out some election leaflets on. Not to create, just print, he gives Curly a floppy disk, and offers to buy him a pint. Curly insists on getting them, so that Lorraine can serve him.

Greg comes in, looking for Maxime, who is delighted when she sees him. He tells her he can't stay, because he's still got a lot of work to do. He says he's waiting for a fax, so she insists on going to wait with him.

Roy and Hayley are sitting by the boating lake in the park, feeding the ducks. These simple pleasures are delighting Hayley. Roy muses that they could have hired a boat, but he wasn't sure whether she could swim or not. He can't do much more than a doggy paddle. Hayley tells him that she has always been a good swimmer - 'in fact, swimming was the only thing I could thrash the other lads at, at school'. This sudden reminder of her past subdues them both, but Hayley takes the initiative by asking Roy if he agrees that being there feeding the ducks is romantic. After a bit of thought, Roy agrees.

Liz is telling Jim how much she appreciated his words earlier, she thinks that they didn't realise what they had thrown away, until it was too late. Jim wonders if they are only remembering the good things in their marriage, Liz suggests that perhaps they were better than the bad things. She makes to go, but Jim asks what there is to go home for. When she answers 'I can watch TV', Jim tells her that she can watch TV there, so she can, and while she's there, why doesn't she put the kettle on? Liz teases him about only wanting a slave.

There's a fax coming through, but Maxime is too busy snogging Greg, while he unzips her dress. She tells him that she's in love with him, and she understands about the flat. Greg explains that they need to take their time, can't rush into anything, because they might fall out if they took it too quickly. Maxime agrees that falling out is the last thing she wants, and proceeds to clean his teeth with her tongue whilst pulling his tie off.

Right. Prepare yourselves for the most wonderful scene since, well since last Friday when Roy and Hayley were talking on the boat in Amsterdam about how she would come home to Weatherfield if there was somebody special to come back to. So touching, I'll quote it line by line. What a difference from the 'whip it in, whip it out and wipe it' shenanigans of the previous pair.

Roy and Hayley are still sitting on the bench by the boating lake.

Roy: I booked a table at the 'Portofino' for eight.

Hayley: I love Italian!

Roy: I know, I remember you saying, once.

Hayley: This is lovely, Roy

Roy: There's a reason I asked you out tonight.

Hayley: Oh,...Yes?

Roy: And I don't want you to be alarmed.

Hayley: Right.

Roy: Er, the thing is,... I've been wondering,... What I'd like is,...if eventually,... er you and me,... could er.. possibly,.. think of er,... having a relationship.

Hayley: Well, we already are, in a way.

Roy: No, no, no, you misunderstand me.

Hayley: (almost interrupting) No I'm not - you mean an affair

Roy: Yes. But you'd have to be very patient with me, you see it's not something I'm comfortable with. Not because of you being you, but because, well, I'm me, really. We'd have to take it a step at a time.

Hayley: (Smiling) I'd like that.

Roy: Would you, really?

Hayley: (Smiling more) Yes! More than anything.

Roy: Well, that's good then

Hayley: Where do we start?

Roy: (Raising right eyebrow) I expect we'll have to play it by ear.

Hayley: OK.

Roy: (trying to get his lips to say the words) Perhaps if I kissed you?

Hayley: I don't mind.

So they do, very briefly.

And then again, gently and tenderly.

Both they and the camera pull away, leaving a closing image of boats, water and nature at peace.

And a grateful and delighted nation goes to get the Kleenex.

Episode written, nay lovingly created, by Sally Wainwright.

Anybody know the location of the boating lake? It ought to become a place of pilgrimage, and as such qualify as a venue for a contress. Well, a contress is a ping held on hallowed ground, innit?

Dewey

Wednesday 8 July

So here I am with great trepidation stepping for a brief moment into CP's shoes(no jokes about women in comfortable shoes please...) First apologies for the delay but I felt I had to at least follow the tradition for late updates. Hope its OK any views of course are mine only!

Due to a disagreement between my video and the tape the first couple of minutes were a bit of a blur but I am reliably informed they were scenes of Roy and Hayley in the cafe discussing the clearance of her dads house and Curly lusting after Lorraine.

Well poor Jim MacDonald bemoaning his fate to the not completely unattractive Michael the physio. Is there ever to be an end to his wallowing self pity - hopefully slow, painfull and involving rusty torture instruments. We move on to the gallant Roy assisting his damsel in distress to empty her drawers...where he stumbles across a picture of Harry before Hayley taken in 1982. Hayley meanwhile is a true hostess by providing a choice of chocolate digestives or shortbread. What a woman! She finds Roy studying the picture and both reflect silently about the past. By the way where has Hayleys adam's apple gone??? And then the break.

We return to Hayley showing Roy the empty family album. Her father had removed them all when she announced her wish to becoma a woman. Hayley feels that the past is best left at just that and bins the picture.

We are then treated to the salon and Audrehs grating voice asking for time off to work on her speech. Is she referring to her own voice or her election speech? Fiona does her cross expression which appears to be the same as most of her others and Maxine offers to over. Fiona meanwhile is still trying to convince Maxine that Greg is not the right man for her. After Fiona's previous history would you touch this advice with a barge pole?

Roy leaves Hayles with bags of clothing for the charity shop where Emily works. What a hero.

Audreh is practising her speech on Alec and Fred who look on in disbelief. It took me a while to place the familiarity but Audreh's sppech was reminiscent of a Pam Ayres poem! Enough to drive Alec/Fred and Audreh out into the bar for a drink. Here they try and persuade her to use and old speech of Alfie's which does not go down well and Audrey storms out.

In the bar Curly brings Spider his campaign leaflets (anybody noticed how similar Firmans logo is to Iceland's?)and is invited to replace Emily as Spiders campaign manager. Curly immediately uses this to try and impress Lorraine failing dismally. Roy finds Hayley in the bar of the Rovers and hands her a gift - the photo her took out of the bin and has had framed. He tells her not to bury the past as it has made her what she is - modest, gentle and lovely. Ahhhhh....

Alec takes time out to visit Rita who is still obviously very unwell and wobbly on her feet. Meanwhile on the subject of wobbly on the feet more Jim M scenes to inform us he isn't claiming all the benefits hes entitled to. The local lads are all off to the legion to watch the world cup game as they have widescreen TV and free sarnies. The Rovers bar is virtually empty with even Roy and Hayley leaving to find somewhere with a bit more life. We close with more unfortunate Macdonald scenes where Jim tries to offer Liz money for caring from him and Liz of course is suitable offended. All in all if we could bump of Jim M an OK episode in my opinion.

Becky

Friday 10 July

Hi folks!!! I've let things slip again this week, so in an attempt to get the show on the road, we'll skip the prologue again and go straight into the update

The episode commences with a weary looking Rita outside The Kabin. She is looking at Leanne's window display. Alec turns the corner and Rita asks him what he thinks - as it's Leanne's first display, Rita does not want to stifle her enthusiasm. Alec approves, but tells her that he came to check on her, not a display. Rita maintains she is fine, nothing that a good night's sleep cannot fix. Alec is not convinced. Rita is flattered by his concern and interest and tells him this is appreciated. As they speak a delivery van comes round the corner and Alec makes his apologies - he tells her that this is a wide screen television which is being delivered to the Rovers... " wide screen, circlorama, stereophonic, so we can hear those bone-crunching tackles in painful and minute detail." Rita goes back into the shop, sighing, very clearly under the weather.

Back at the Rovers, a campaign meeting is about to start. Those present: Alec and Fred. Oh, and look who has come in late? It's Audrey, fresh from a manicure session. Alec is not amused, he has a business to run. He wonders whether she is taking this seriously. She replies that she didn't ask for a broken fingernail. Fred shows sympathy, thereby incurring Alec's wrath. Fred carries on by offering Audrey a plaster and Alec's frustration goes up another notch. Alec tells her that he and Fred have identified the salient issues - they have to make her different than Spider. He asks Audrey what she thinks she has that Spider hasn't. "Decent fingernails, for a start!" pipes up our bubble-head contestant. "I mean policies!" exploded Alec. She tells him that the difference between the two of them is that she takes a pride in her appearance. That is what is missing these days, they should try to get back to the times when folk were...... "fastidious", offers Fred still drooling at Audrey. "When young men had lovely short clean hair and the girls wore lovely pretty floaty things instead of these great hobnailed boots they go around in now" continues Audrey. Alec realises that Audrey is on a different planet and tries to get back to the issue of her speech. He hands her the speech he has prepared and tells her that they will be appealing to the middle ground, people like themselves, "solid dependable people, but with entrepreneurial flair whose activities and hard work should be rewarded in order to encourage others." "The return of the unified business rate and the notion of a rateable value..." reads Audrey. You can tell that she doesn't have a clue and even less interest, but she maintains that, of course, she does, when she is quizzed by Alec. Ever the loyal supporter, Fred concludes "See, it's like I said, this fine lady with her fingernails will be the making of us..."

At Jim McDonald's, Liz is still upset at Jim and tells him that she has prepared a flask at "no charge". Jim tells her that he didn't mean to cause any offence, he just doesn't want sympathy. Liz maintains that this is not what she is giving him. The phone rings. Liz answers it - it is Steve. She hands the phone to Jim and storms out. Jim tries to stop her, but to no avail.

Audrey is rehearsing her speech in front of a thrilled audience, Fiona, Steve and baby Morgan. You can tell that they are bored out of their skulls, but trying to feign interest. She asks them what they think. Steve's and Fiona's responses convince her that this is not what people want to hear and she resolves to use her own speeches from now on.

Out in the street, Mike Baldwin follows a preoccupied Liz coming out of the factory and offers to buy her a lunchtime drink. She declines his offer, telling him that Jim will be waiting for his dinner. Mike tells her that Jim is a lucky fella having her to look after him... she is flattered by the compliment.

At that moment, we see Jim coming out of the house in his wheelchair. He sees Mike hugging Liz in support and jumps to a conclusion. Jim turns in anger and goes back into the house. There he tries to get out of the wheelchair and in doing so, topples over, falling to the ground, with the chair on top of him.

When Liz comes into the house, she finds Jim in a sorry state - when she asks him what he is doing, "the hoovering"" is his reply. She hugs and kisses him and in a mix of love and pity asks what she is going to do with him. She apologises for snapping at him earlier, guessing what he was trying to say and wants to know now. Jim then stuns her by telling her that he doesn't want her to come round again - at first, she cannot take him seriously but he confirms that he is serious.

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End of part 1

After the ads, it's

Part 2
This commences with Liz trying to come to terms with Jim's revelation. He tells her that she is a free woman and he doesn't want to hold her back from meeting people. She says that she is there from her own choice, but he then tells her that she is slowing him down, by doing things for him that he needs to be doing himself, if he stands "any chance of being a half-decent man again." She is hurt as she has clearly misunderstood his intentions - she wants to help and says that she thought this is what he wanted - in fact, she was expecting him to say that he wanted her, now she realises that the reverse is the case.

Back at the Rovers, Spider has come in for a drink. Vera remembers that the meeting is tonight, "God help us if Audrey Roberts becomes a politician," she comments and hopes that he will make sure that Audrey is kept in her place. Spider replies that she will not need any help from him.

Fred is having a drink at the bar and tells Spider that, while he accepts they are political rivals, but he expects them to be civilised. Spider replies that this is a bit rich coming from "the camp that took sleaze to new heights.... or depths." Fred tries to dismiss this by saying that this was merely a misunderstanding, "wrong end of t'stick!"

Alec is perturbed at Spider's confidence but Fred plays this down as the confidence of the naïve, "Give over fretting, Alec, Audrey will slay 'em in the aisles, she's got the popular touch has Audrey. She's in tune with ordinary people." "Yeah, I know, that's what worries me," replies Alec, "we want to come out of this with something besides free nail varnish for the over 50s." Fred doesn't see the problem, after all, with the speech they have given her, how can she go wrong? (Watch this space.)

Curly comes in and asks for a pint and two tickets for the Trocadero, this being a reference to the wide screen television. He praises Alec for taking his advice. Curly jokes that he will go home and get his beach towel "to reserve his seat."

At the college, Audrey has arrived to continue with her campaign. She tries to persuade Nick to distribute her leaflets - he is embarrassed and makes the excuse that he has run out of leaflets. She suggests that she'll get Alf to finish, but, in best grandma tradition, presents him with his campaign baseball cap - she puts it on his head and comments how it suits him, while he just looks highly self-conscious.

We then hear Curly in full voice campaigning on Spider's behalf "Vote for Spider Nugent, the thinking man's answer to the .... rabble that usually live in the Town Hall" as he sees Audrey.

Audrey is disconcerted by this and urges Alec to pipe up in response. We then hear a wonderfully half-hearted attempt by Fred, Alec and Alf to drum up support. She then dishes out the baseball caps to them, much to their dismay, telling them that if "it's good enough for young what's his name, it's good enough for you." She then tells them to "hust! This is a hustings, isn't it? So hust!"

At the Kabin, Fiona notices that Rita is unwell. Leanne chips in, saying that Rita is poorly and should be in bed. Rita tries to dismiss this as just one of those summer bugs hanging on, but Leanne continues nagging that Rita will not listen to her. Increasingly irritated, Rita snaps at her, tells her to concentrate on what she should be doing and says that she doesn't thank her for joining in her conversations with her customers.

At the college, the debate is in full swing. Geoffrey "Spider" Nugent, the Independent Green Candidate is introduced, much to the delight of the student audience. He makes a quick impact with some snappy one-liners and, as he does so, Curly turns round to Audrey's team and smirks, clearly satisfied with the impact Spider is making on the audience.

Back at the Rovers, Liz and Deirdre are having a drink. Deirdre comments that Liz' mood is self evident. Liz bemoans the "wonderful talent I've got for reading him wrong." She tells Deirdre that she was convinced Jim was gearing himself up to asking her to move back in, or at least start seeing each other again. But "no, he were plucking up courage to tell me to bog off." Deirdre, ever the good friend, tries to console Liz, "oh no! after everything that you've done." Liz tries to explain that, in Jim's eyes, she is stifling his independence. We see Deirdre recognising the truth of this statement, as she tells Liz that if she wants Jim to be more independent, then she needs to give him his space to be able to do things for himself. Liz is clearly hurt not to receive the backing she expected from her friend and asks where she would fit in. Deirdre paints the picture "just seeing how things are going, complimenting his efforts, praising him, that sort of thing." Liz is clearly not impressed "just when I were getting used to having control." She tells Deirdre that she quite likes Jim being dependent on her.

At the college, Spider is expanding on his political philosophy, as he tells them that he is not a political party, there is only one of him and that's where he scores over all these others, he says, pointing to his opponents. He is not toeing any party line. This wins great approval from the audience and we see Audrey's campaign team clearly disappointed by the applause and cheers. Spider continues "you vote for me and you'll be doing the next best thing than being there yourselves." He is there "to ask questions, to keep them on their toes, to make sure they do their best for you. I don't take crap!!" He sits down to tumultuous applause.

Audrey is then introduced as the candidate for the Independent Business Alliance. She starts off nervously and it is soon clear to her campaign team that she is departing from her script. She launches into an ad-libbed attack on Spider and his campaign, trying to ridicule him - she tells them that she didn't think she was ever going to get on, she nearly got her knitting out. She quickly points out that she didn't hear him saying anything about women - this raises some applause from the audience and she quickly starts to capitalise on the response. She tells them that her original plan was to talk to them about the "Uniform Business Rate" and the Pound, but she decided she couldn't be bothered with that, "No! Leave that to the old fuddy-duddies to worry about, eh? What we want is a good time, isn't it?" This raises more applause as starts to pitch to the audience. She tells the women that is about time they got their way and especially for them, she is unveiling .... the return of the Glamorous Miss Weatherfield Contest!! This raises mocking laughter from the audience, as her campaign team cringes.

At the Kabin, Rita is apologising to Leanne for snapping at her earlier. She tells Leanne she is going to have an early night. Leanne agrees, adding , why doesn't Rita stay in bed tomorrow. Rita doesn't want to do this, mainly because the chief message it will sent to her brain is that she is past it. Leanne has finished for the day and moves to leave. As she does so, Rita tells her about the nice compliments she has received during the day on Leanne's window display.

At the meeting, Audrey is losing control. It is clear that her suggestion is not going down well with the audience as we hear a woman telling Audrey that she is a disgrace to women. Audrey continues to lose her grip by saying "Me! Have you looked in a mirror lately, sweetheart?" This provokes jeers, but Audrey is undeterred, she is going to put this contest on because it is what the people want, she tells them. She starts to lambast the audience by saying that she wants a return to the days when you could tell the difference between the boys and the girls. "I mean looking at you lot, I haven't a clue!" she tells them. "You can say that again" is a reply from the audience but Audrey's tack is to treat the person as if she were a heckler in a night club. This provokes ridicule from the audience and she then calls to Alf to take her home... this happens just as we see Alf, Alec and Fred sneaking out of the hall in embarrassment.

At Jim's, his therapist, Michael is remarking that he was expecting to see Liz. Eventually, Jim comes clean and tells him that he has told Liz to come round less. Michael replies that he isn't surprised and goes on to tell him about another client, "who really loves his partner. Now he's lost the use of his legs, things are different, he sees her with other men and knows he cannot compete and he doesn't like it. At first he was getting really angry about it but they've worked through that now. Then he got very depressed and now he's begun to realise he's losing control of a lot of the decisions in his life, decisions he used to take for granted. So he has told her that he doesn't want to see her anymore. Now it isn't because he doesn't want to see her anymore, it's because he is in control of the decision not to see her anymore, however much it hurts her, however much it hurts him." Jim poo-poos this, saying that he has set her free because he has nothing to offer her anymore, but Michael tells him that this is how the decision is dressed up, wants it to sound noble. When Jim tries to tells him that the client probably doesn't exist, Michael turns the tables. "He does, he does. You shave his face every morning. See you tomorrow Jim!"

In the final scene of the episode we see Rita in her flat. She is lying on the settee, clearly in pain. She tries to get up and in doing so, knocks a drink over. She slumps back onto the settee and goes into a deep sleep, her breathing slowing down gradually, until it stops......

And it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Peter Mills

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me?

We see Jim valiantly trying to come to terms with his paralysis, struggling to get his message over to Liz tactfully. Some fine sensitive acting from him.

The comedy of the week provided by Audrey in superb form as a parody of bubble-headed woman, with some superb comic delivery and timing from Alec and Fred.

The major storyline, of course, being Rita's illness, finely portrayed by one of Coronation Street's mainstays....

In summary, not a classic episode, alongside the stuff we've seen over the last few weeks but clearly one of those episodes where the storylines are being developed for future action.

And that's it for now..

Until next week, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan

Sunday 12 July

Aargh. I've got four pages of handwritten notes here, and an hour and a half to transcribe them to dem old 0's and 1's. So, apologies in advance, this is going to be real quick this week, but I'll do the best I can to relate to you all the important bits from this Sunday's (World Cup Final) 45-minute special.

I'm feeling a bit better, by the way.

Tonight's episode is sponsored by Cadburys, and introduced by Bob Wilson.

Act 1
It's 6.00am, and we see Rita's alarm clock going off. Then it clatters to the floor as Rita attempts to silence it and succeeds only in knocking it clean off the bedside cabinet. Rita looks truly awful, as she struggles to get out of bed. Later, in her kitchen, she appears very nauseous as she makes toast, muttering "what's happening to me ?". What indeed.

It's also 6.00am at big Jim's, and the radio is playing the official England World Cup song ("On Top Of The World"), something perhaps Jim is not. As we wonder exactly why he is sleeping fully clothed, he successfully levers himself out of bed and into his wheelchair. [This year, the WC song was such crap we got the Europe 96 tournament song resurrected, and an unofficial entry going by the name of "Vindaloo", replete with lyrics which could indeed be remembered after 8 pints of lager and the quoted "bucket" of vindaloo. Sort of "nah na-nah... nah na-nah... nah na-nah nah na-nah VINDALOO !!] Be very glad indeed this is not an audio update !

In the salon (the only one around open on a Sunday), the girls are tidying up while Audreh attempts to brush off the previous evening's disastrous election meeting where she made such a fool of herself that her entire campaign team had to walk out. Just then, Fred enters, and Audreh comments that he has "a nerve" showing up at all.

Sally and Kevin and the girls have returned from the holiday at Disney World. They all seem very happy, with the exception of Sally who doesn't take Kevin's surprise announcement that they are all off to a pub for a family lunch, very well. [It is Sally's birthday, and Kevin had arranged this before they left, knowing they would not be wanting to have to get cooking on their return.] Rursie and Surphie are despatched to Gail and Martin's house to deliver presents, while Sally tells Kevin she is too tired to go out. He apologies, seeing a no-win situation developing. Sally brightens a little and suggests they could go out that evening, if they can get a babysitter. Kevin's face falls as he see his evening's footie viewing disappearing over the horizon...

Greg and Maxine are leaving his flat when Greg catches sight of Sally crossing the street. He quickly suggests to Maxine that she might have left the door unlocked, and she returns, giving him an opportunity to talk to Sally without being seen. He tells her he hopes he will see her later in the Rovers.

Sally walks to the Kabin, and finds Rita behind the counter. Sally thinks Rita is in no state to be working, and should be upstairs in bed. Rita is embarrassed to realise that she has forgotten Sally's birthday.

In the Rovers, Lorraine is hanging banners around the pub, while Jack is admiring the view. He is looking forward to a packed pub for kickoff that night. As it becomes clear he too wants to be on the other side of the bar at the time, Vera starts to lay the law down. Jack accuses Vera of never having been interested in football, even when he used to play centre forward and scored nearly every match (he tells Lorraine). Vera remarks to Betty that now "he's lucky to score once a year !".

Steve has come to visit Jim, and finds him making cheese on toast for lunch. Jim tells him that Liz has not been round, as he is learning to look after himself and doesn't want constant assistance.

Curly and Kevin are having a lunchtime pint, and Kevin is explaining how his plans for the evening are coming undone. Curly suggests they go for dinner early. "What, just have the soup ?" jokes Kevin. He phones a restaurant from the payphone at the bar, and we hear him fail to get a table before 7.30pm.

Speaking of soup, Sally has made some for Rita's lunch. They are in Rita's flat above the Kabin. However, Sally has not thought to sit the bowl on a tray, and Rita is too weak to hold it properly, and the soup ends up on the floor. Sally clears up the mess, and suggests that Rita should have the doctor round again, as she is obviously getting worse. Rita is alarmed at this, and admits that she is scared of what might be wrong. "Ted was like this, when he had his brain tumour".

Fred arrives at the Rovers with a tray of meat pies for the evening's festivities. He talks to Alec about Audrey. Alec feels that she has become a liability, and worse still, a waste of time and (their) money. Audrey is talking to Alf, and admits she is thinking of pulling out of the election. Alf tells her this is the best thing to do as she would not have made a good councillor anyway - "look at you, one hint of a problem and you're giving up". This puts Audrey's back up, and she resolves to fight on and prove him wrong. Alf comes to the bar and relates this to Alec, who looks first relieved and then disappointed.

Intermission
Can't stop here, gotta rush straight onto..

Act 2
Steve is now in the Rovers with his Mum. He is pleased that Jim is striking out on his own, but Liz is not. She thinks she should be round there, preparing his Sunday roast with all the trimmings. [Oh come on, they've been apart for ages, Jim must be used to beans on toast or a liquid lunch by now !]

Fred is still trying to persuade Alec of the positive aspects of Audrey standing for the council. Mindful of his trips to France, he thinks she could put a few favours their way. Alec has by now convinced himself that she doesn't have a cat in hell's chance. He points out that she and Spider are splitting the non-Labour vote and ensuring that their candidate gets in instead. This gives Fred an idea, and he calls for pen and paper.

Sally persuades Rita to call the doctor out sooner rather than later, before she has to leave. She puts the fire on, and we see Rita lying on her settee shivering.

Jim's occupational therapist, Michael, has called. He's pleased with Jim's progress and his desire for greater independence. He works the subject round to Liz, suggesting that it might be hard for Jim not to see so much of her, as he thinks Jim is still in love with her ? Jim tells Michael that there's not much point to any relationship between the two of them, it goes unsaid that he is thinking of his non-functional wedding tackle. He thinks it is best that he doesn't make his true feelings plain to her.

Joy of joys ! Sally is making lunch for the girls, and it's, yes, beans on toast ! Kevin arrives to say he has booked a table for 7.30, but Sally tells him that Rita is too ill to babysit, and they should probably cancel. "Shall we just go for a drink, instead ?" she suggests. They agree to make it the Rovers. Kevin looks secretly pleased.

Rita phones Leanne, and tells her she won't be down in the shop that day. She start out to go to her bedroom, but the room spins, and she collapses to the floor, unconscious.

Michael catches up with Liz in the pub. She asks him if Jim told him that she is not welcome any more. Michael suggests that what Jim says, and what Jim means, may not be the same thing.

Sally tells Alec of her concerns for Rita. He decides he will pop round the next morning.

Intermission
Two breaks tonight ! This evening, for our delight, we have seen ads for: bad breath tablets for dogs, gin, sun lotion, medicine for irritable bowel syndrome, yet another crappy national lottery bingo scratchcard game, and a Peugeot 306, a car so attractive you will be forever driving your partner off to beach locations and having very public sex thereon. Jeez !!

Act 3
Sally and Kevin are in the Rovers. He is still wearing his Mickey Mouse hat, which she demands he removes. She is also narked about him chatting to Vera about their holiday, apparently thinking they might be thought to be showing off. [The spaghetti on toast family, surely not !] She decides she's off home to sort out the washing, but then catches sight of Greg elsewhere in the pub, and opts to stay after all. Apparently, Gail is looking after the girls, so that's not a problem.

Fred buttonholes Spider, and asks him to come through the back, where he has prepared his "official" voting predictions. He points out how the Labour candidate is going to walk it, as Audrey and the Green Party are splitting the vote. Spider observes that Fred's voting percentages add up to 103%, and Alec suggests that means there's going to be a big turnout ! Fred offers to have Audrey take on some of Spider's policies, if in turn he will drop out of the election. Spider is furious by now, and more so when Fred proceeds to offer him a bribe to stand down ! "My political integrity is worth more than £100 !" he retorts. The offer is upped to a giddy £150, but Spider is not tempted. He'll be fighting this to the death, he says, and leaves. Alec observes that "he must have been sniffing those teabags again !".

Sally is ostensibly at the bar, keeping out of the way of the footie fans and the widescreen telly, but in reality she is making eyes at Greg. He compliments her on her tan, telling her it really suits her. He tells her she's been missed at work. "Get away, I'm sure Mike Baldwin has coped just fine without me." "He might... but I haven't !" says Greg. [Ooh, he's a smooth operator and no mistake, and just to stick my neck out a little further, no I don't think in real life he's on CP's bus...] Sally blurts out a "I beg your pardon ! My husband's over there !". Greg thinks Kevin is more interested in the football, anyway. "He must be mad" he mutters quietly.

Audreh is banging on Rita's door, clipboard in hand. Ken stops by, and the Willing Woman of Weatherfield asks him if she can count on his support. He says he will think about it [read: never] and suggests that Rita might be in the Rovers, as he had heard she might be meeting Sally in there, it being Sally's birthday. "Oh good, we can have a drink" chirps Audrey, and is deflated by Ken pointing out that she offer gifts in her capacity as a political candidate.

We see Kevin gazing at the TV. By now, Sally has sussed out why he was so keen to go out at lunchtime. Realising it is her birthday, Vera provides a drink on the house. Greg too, offers his congratulations, suggesting Sally must be all of, ooh, 26 ? Before things go any further, Maxine arrives. Greg quickly tells Sally that he hadn't been expecting her, and says he hopes there'll be another time. "I mean it." he adds.

At the opposite end of the chat-up spectrum, Curly is dismally failing to impress Lorraine by telling her how he had returned to a degree course after working for a while.

Maxine asks Greg if she is being too pushy. Another page turns over in his memorised copy of "100 evasive answers of all time", as he tells he is worried he "might like her too much !". Maxine simpers. [*What* a bimbo !]

Liz tries to open Jim's front door with key. He has put the chain on, and she can't get the door open more than a few inches. He tells her just to go, he wants to be on his own, but after a fair amount of to-ing and fro-ing agrees to let her in.

Sally and Alec are talking about Rita again. Obviously concerned, Alec resolves to go round there and then, but is hauled back by Vera who points out how busy they are behind the bar. Sally observes Greg and Maxine at the other side of the pub, and looks fairly browned off.

Jim is getting angry with Liz' repeated assertions that they are becoming closer again. "You're wrong," he tells her, "it can't be the same again." She tells him he is still the same man inside, but he dismisses this, telling her she is just imagining that there is something between them, and he doesn't want to talk about it any more.

Alec has finally managed to escape from the bar, and is knocking at Rita's door. There is no answer, and he calls her from his mobile phone. We see inside, as Rita is still lying unconscious on the floor as her phone rings. Alec rushes back to the Rovers, and asks Sally if she has a spare key to Rita's flat. Sally has not. He rushes out again, and Sally decides to go with him. She tries to attract Kevin's attention, to tell him, but without success. Greg sees her, however, and runs out after her. All three of them gather at Rita's door, and Alec decides it's time for someone to do something and gets Greg to kick the door open. They go upstairs, and find Rita on the floor. She's still breathing, but her face is a worrying collection of odd colours. An ambulance is summoned.

Meanwhile, in the Rovers, we have been catching odd glimpses of earlier matches, and a chalked "France v Brazil" notice on the pub wall, and Martin tipping France to win 2-0. [Which was so nearly the final score !] The hype exceeded the reality of course, as we had been just about led to believe they would be filming live. Still, enough complaints. Over the shouting, we hear the ambulance arriving, and a few of the regulars go outside to see Rita being taken away on a stretcher, accompanied by Alec. Greg offers to drive Sally to the hospital and they follow the ambulance out of the Street.

Audrey observes "I knew something was up with her". [Aargh, someone shoot this woman, I just *hate* these characters that no soap appears to want to do without. Gossipy, know-all idiots, as Spider said !!]

This episode was written by Phil Woods.

As I said, there was a lot of hype about this being the World Cup Final special, and in the end it didn't really add much at all. However, many different stories all moved along quite a bit tonight, and the scripts and the acting were well up to scratch. More so than this rather rushed effort, in fact looking at my little computer clock in front of me I see I don't even have time to run this through my spell-checker, however I am a graduate of the old school and generally try to get it all down right the first time. Forgive me the odd mistake, missing or duplicated words or phrases, etc.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

Toodle pip ! John Laird

Monday 13 July

Well, we've had the delights of the Roy and Hayley affair, and we're back to the bottom of the barrel. It can't be easy working with dud storylines, and Catherine Hayes has done her best, but it's still a bit of a sow's ear.

We open in the hospital waiting room where Greg is comforting Sally while they await news of Rita, who, it will be remembered, was rushed to hospital during the World Cup final (which France won, by the way, as if anybody didn't know). Alec appears, having spoken to somebody medical, and reports that Rita is suffering from Carbon Monoxide poisoning, and is in a hyperbaric chamber while they wait for a specialist consultant. Sally is distraught, especially as Alec wasn't permitted to see Rita, and speculates on how it might have been if Greg hadn't kicked the door down. (Somebody else would have done, surely?) Alec thanks Greg for that action, adding that he'll never cease to be grateful for saving Rita's life.

It's gone midnight, and Alec encourages them to leave - which Greg does, but Sally apparently has no concern for her family (and who is babysitting?) and decides to stay.

Considering that the last scene was gone midnight, it's a surprise to see Jim wheeling himself into a daylight Street. It makes you wonder if the episode editing didn't match the time allocated. This should surely have been the first scene in Monday's episode.

So let's pretend we start again, now.

Jim emerges from his house, but we soon cut to see La Mouton walking past the Rovers. Mike Baldwin drives up, with a sarcastic comment about 'shouldn't you be at work?'. Liz explains that she's going to see Curly to see if there's any news on Rita. Curly and Spider just happen to be leaning on his car, and our ex-binman chum says he has no news. Baldwin doesn't know what they're talking about, so Curly reiterates for the benefit of viewers who missed last night's episode and haven't seen the CSVU. Spider's presence is only a plot device so that he can ask when it happened, Liz says it was about 8 o'clock, 'during the football' (Kick off 8pm. Hmmm. During?) Baldwin reckons that Sally will know, she should be in the factory by now. As Baldwin drives off we get another view of Jim in his wheelchair, oblivious to the mega-gossip occurring around him. Well he would be, as his presence was not contemporary. Why is he included at all in this scene? A very poor scene by all measures.

Fred, I say Fred, appears, to taunts from Curly of being 'Mr Fix-it' and comments about upping the bribe to include a leg of lamb or some meat pies. Fred is anxious to escape these charges of election fixing, and tries to explain that it was only a little joke initiated by Alec - and that Spider should get a sense of humour. Spider teases that he'll let the rest of Weatherfield know that Fred offered him a bribe to pull out of the election, an increasingly flustered Fred insists 'it were a joke'. Curly states that it is Spider's duty to let the electorate know, Spider can't decide on the method - door to door or through the Weatherfield Gazette?

Greg arrives chez Webster looking for Sally. Kevin airily explains her absence by saying that she stayed all night at the hospital. He doesn't seem at all concerned. Just as soon as Greg says 'hello girls', the gurrrlls are banished upstairs to get ready for school. Greg suggests that Sally shouldn't come in to work, he'll clear it with Mike. They have general chat about their holiday in Florida, but overall another poor scene.

To cheapen things still further, we move to 'Hair by Fiona' where it must now be lunchtime because Audrey is announcing that she's not going to the Rover's, she's going home to comfort Alfeh, who is very cut up about Rita. She says that Alfeh has always had a soft spot for her, which prompts Muppet2 to ask if she isn't jealous? As Audreh says, 'If anybody has designs on Rita, her body and her bank account, it's Alec Gilroy - and not necessarily in that order'. After she's gone, the Muppets blather about Maxime's relationship with Greg - is she trying too hard to get any sort of commitment from him?

Sally and Alec are still in the waiting room, at least 12 hours since Greg left. They are very weary. Greg arrives, and Alec thanks him for giving Sally the day off. Now how could he have known? There is no news - they'll know more when the specialist arrives. That's what you said half a day ago, Sally. Greg begins to wonder how there could have been Carbon Monoxide in Rita's flat, and Alec remembers the warnings they used to put in Sunliners brochures about the dangers of inadequately serviced water heaters in self-catering Mediterranean holiday apartments. Public Service Broadcasting or what? Sally reproaches herself for being on holiday all that time when Rita was ill, and Alec suddenly rounds on her insisting it was a virus - does Sally think he would have left Rita there if he'd known about CO poisoning? His outburst is so out of context and out of character. They realise that they are the nearest Rita has to next-of-kin.

It could only brighten after this, but instead we get Betty explaining to Fred over the bar that she's been ringing Intensive Care all morning, but nobody will (or can) tell her anything.

Curly breezes in, and stands next to Fred. Lorraine comes in from the kitchen with a hotpot that has been so long in preparation that the original punter had left. Hadn't he paid for it? Curly says he'll have it, and threatens Fred with exposure if he offers to pay for it. Fred splutters, denying anything, while Betty wants to know what Curly is on about. Curly wonders where it will end - waving fivers about outside the Polling Station? Fred states 'I did not offer Geoffrey Nugent money to stand down', a concept that had not been put into so many words by Curly. 'Oh yes you did!' Betty tells Fred that corruption is par for the course with Alec Gilroy, but she's surprised at him. (Still, Fred's got form, remember the black pudding scam at the town twinning episode when Fred first came to our attention?). Fred insists that it's all a pack of lies, but takes his leave. Lorraine is excited about Spider being the centre of political intrigue - 'tell me more', she says, leaning conspiratorially towards Curly.

Greg thinks it's time he got on with his work, and makes to leave. Sally thanks him for being there, saying she couldn't have got through last night without him. But didn't she do exactly that? Romance seems to be smouldering, they touch hands, and nearly kiss before he leaves.

END OF PART ONE

We're back in the Rover's where Betty is serving Maud with meat pie and veg. Why has Maud even ordered that when she says she lives in fear of finding Fred Elliot's toenail clippings in his hand made meat pies? Betty stands up for Fred as being a very hygienic butcher, but then asks if Maud has been speaking to Curly - 'you'll know soon enough'. Talk turns to Rita, and Betty is sure that she'll get through it, as she's younger than both of them. Maud isn't too sure, she wouldn't want to be plumbed up with tubes - 'it's an assault on the body, only the young can withstand that kind of thing'. Maud begins to get maudlin about how and when her time comes - she'll get a card from the warden of Mayfield Court, and no visitors. Another strange scene.

Curly is describing his electioneering plans - there are envelopes to stuff - perhaps Lorraine would like to join him? When she learns that Spider will be there she is almost keen to lend a hand.

It's heavy relationship time. Liz calls on Jim, who explains that he stands by his thoughts of yesterday: she helped him through the bad times, but now he's mentally on the mend and regaining his independence, he doesn't need her. 'All right, well I won't come back again', says Liz as she walks away. But then Jim calls her back, explains that he didn't say it to humiliate her, and then asks her to stay, indeed he says he didn't mean any of it. Liz can't understand him, and I've got to agree with her. He finally admits that he can't do anything without her, and he wants her to stay.

Consultant Gareth Bird arrives to find Alec in the waiting room. How long has he been? At least 18 hours. (Cliche #1 from Sally) 'Has her condition improved?'. 'I'm glad to say she's out of danger.' Relief all round, until he says that another five minutes and she'd have died. More Public Awareness Broadcasting follows, about the danger of carbon monoxide, how it doesn't taste or smell, and can be fatal even at low level. When Alec mentions that Rita has been ill for some time, she has had flu, the consultant explains that the symptoms are flu-like, hence frequent mis-diagnosis. Alec wonders if the source could be the factory, but consultant explains that more often than not, it is faulty gas appliances.

Maud presumably didn't find toenail clippings in her meat pie, because she's now back in the shop, and checking out Audreh's goods. Audreh is frustrated at Maud's slow progress and suggests that Fred ought to get someone younger in, and will speak to him about it. Maud counters that he should employ her - on her election posters she only looks about twelve - and why were they in black and white, surely they only had sepia in those days?

Spider arrives, to Maud's suggestion that if he'd used a photograph that old it would have been of a look of anticipation on his father's face! He teases Audreh about her choice in toilet rolls - surely she should be using recycled? Audreh dismisses those as muck, her green credentials don't go that far. Spider tells her about how her spin doctors are planning to merge their two parties, and one of them will have to step down - but will a £150 sweetener be enough for her? Confused, he encourages her to go see Fred and Alec. She does so, sans shopping.

In the Rover's, the source of the CO is being discussed. Could it be Industry? Or Underworld? Curly points out that they would all have been affected if it was so general. Fred wonders if Mike Baldwin has a leaky boiler, and Maxime does her best, and fails, with a comedy line 'listen, if Mike Baldwin's knickers gave off fumes, we'd all know about it. Half the Street work over there'. Betty tries to mother Lorraine, asking if she's worried about it, but Lorraine says that she works out, she's fit, and her body can take anything that's thrown at it. This news seems to interest Curly.

Audreh blows in, accusing Fred of offering a bribe, which he denies. Curly conveniently confirms that it was to get Spider to stand down so that Audreh could win. What happened to the two other candidates? Fred tries to convince her that Spider wants out anyway, rather than be humiliated at the poll. Audreh doesn't believe him - Curly confirms it's a lie. Audreh refuses Fred's offer of a drink, and flounces out saying 'it'll take more than a G & T to talk your way out of this one.'

The consultant escorts Alec and Sally to a room where they can view Rita through the glass of the hyperbaric chamber. The sight of all the plumbing disturbs them. Alec encourages Sally to go home, but he won't leave Rita himself.

Jim and Liz are still talking about their on/off relationship. Jim is talking in his best Phil Mitchell voice (you know, all breathless). The truth is that he still loves her, but he thinks back to when they were young lovers, and his plumbing worked. He feels emasculated, and doesn't accept that she can still want him. All he's got left for her are words, which can't be enough.

Sally arrives home, a good 24 hours since she went out to the pub. The gurrrrlls greet her, only to be sent upstairs to wash their hands. Honestly, is there any point in having these gurrlls? Can't they do a Traceyluv on them, send them upstairs to wash their hands, not to be seen again until 2010 when one of them can come downstairs as a love interest for Ken Barlow?

Kevin wants to know why she didn't phone him, at home or the garage. What has she been doing all day? (Or all night for that matter) Kevin gets angry, only just remembering to ask how Rita is. He tells her that Greg is seen as a hero in the Rover's.

Back to Jim & Liz, and Liz is planning the future. She's going to stick with him, and plan things together. Jim is still trying to reject her, he's not the man he was, but Liz doesn't care, she wants Jim the man, whether he gets better or not. Jim tries to tell her that she can't love him now, but Liz insists that she can, and kisses him. More kissing follows. Yeurgggh.

Cue the music and closing credits...

So that's it then, not the sharpest script in the file, but Catherine Hayes did the best she could.

Dewey

Wednesday 15 July

The episode opens in that den of matrimonial bliss, the Webster household, where the topic of the moment is the sale of Sally's recently deceased mother's house and the possible purchase of Natalie's share of the garage. Rursie and Surphie are present, but not for long: having gorged on baked beans, they have washed their hands and are about to make their customary, beginning-of-scene exit, this time for school. (These two girls are prime candidates for madness in later life, believe me: one of them will grow up with a serious food fetish, and will probably only be able to have sex with her husband if he's got his left foot dangling in a bucket of baked beans, while the other, when not constantly washing her hands, will no doubt be had up time and time again for stealing bars of Camay from grimy corner shops). Sally looks quite pained whenever she talks to Kev; watching her is a bit like watching someone emerge from a coma, wondering where all the years went and praying that there is someone, somewhere, with more charisma than the pitiful little grease-monkey she's married to. Anyway, the upshot is that Sally tells Kev to go ahead with the garage sale before she changes her mind.

Meanwhile, chez Jim McDonald, the paralysed brickie and his ex-wife are re-drawing the borders between them after their mutual tonsillectomy the night before. Jim looks as though he could cut the unease in the air with a knife - if he could wheel himself to the cutlery drawer without tipping himself out, that is. Liz is slightly more optimistic, although surely she must realise that their relationship is going to be pure Yellow Pages from now on, with Jim's fingers doing all the walking. As Mike Plowman put it, the future - for these two at least - is strictly digital.

Across at Fiddling With Fringes by Fiona, Minnie Mahogany (Maxime, as wooden as ever) is looking out across the cobbles and dreaming of Peter Pine (Greg, wood personified). Mentally she rips a few petals off a daisy: does he love me, does he not? Will he come, or will I rot? (Nineteen million viewers hope and pray for the rot option).

As Maxime dreams on, Fred arrives at the salon for a word with Audreh. Audreh tells Fred that she thought he did all his talking 'behind closed doors, with the likes of Spider Nugent' - an oblique reference to Fred's attempt to bribe Spider into dropping out of the election campaign. "I'm here," says Fred, "to ensure that the people of Weatherfield are not exposed to the sort of jiggery-pokery that gives jerrymandering a bad name!" Fred goes on to suggest that he and Audreh dine at the Paris that evening, a new and very expensive French restaurant. Does Audreh accept? (Is the Pope Catholic? Is Steven Billington a fully-paid up member of the Screaming Mimi Brigade?) Anyway, Audreh accepts, and Fred tells her to go and "gild the lily, or whatever it is you natural beauties do in the bathroom." Audreh duly exits in search of a trowel and several pounds of Polyfilla.

At the Kabin, Janice is having a desultory flick through a woman's magazine - a piece of tosh so sad that even Janice agrees it should be called "Sad" - for women with no life. When Alec arrives a few moments later, he is shocked to see that Janice is actually ensconced behind the counter, 'helping out'. "Helping out?" cries Alec, aghast. "You've no authority to help out! Where's Leanne?" Janice says that it has nothing to do with Alec, who responds by telling her that since he is looking after Rita's interests, it has everything to do with him. Janice counters in turn by saying that she is looking after Leanne's interests. Leanne, it transpires, has gone to the cash-and-carry - by taxi, much to Alec's chagrin - and has put Janice in temporary charge. Alec is having none of it; further more, he wants to check the till - a move which enrages Janice and leads to her leaving the shop - with Alec in charge.

On the other side of the Street, Liz has brought Jim "Legs" McDonald a sarnie for his lunch. He buttonholes her and asks her what she thinks was going on between them last night. "Well I know it's been a long time," she says, "but I thought you'd have remembered what a kiss was." Jim says that it's a strange time for both of them, and that he's only too aware that she's trying to make him feel better. But he doesn't want her to feel as though she's made her mistake, and that she doesn't have to let him down gently. La Mouton says that she kissed him because she wanted to kiss him; she knew exactly what she was doing. (And so did Jim, because when she kissed him, his liver quivered and his legs turned to jelly. Oh, I forgot, his legs were already jelly.)

Back at the salon, Audreh is telling Fiona that she will be late back. "After all, if Fred is taking me somewhere posh, I'm going to need something suitable." Maxime says that she thought Audreh's wardrobe was full of something suitable. Audreh rounds on Maxine and digs her claws in - just a tad. "Maxine," she says, "Have you ever thought that it might be a certain lack of, shall we say, style that's putting Lover Boy off?" (Maxime lacking style? Yes, and add to that: acting ability; charisma; wit; charm; talent; a pulse...) Maxime counters by saying that Greg thinks that she is the most stylish woman on the Street. (Greg obviously studied at the David Blunkett school of fashion appraisal). Talking of Greg, the marionette himself appears at this point, armed with a scraggy bouquet of flowers for Mahogany Minnie. He apologises for not being able to see her; he's been busy moving into the flat. He asks Maxine whether she's free for lunch; she isn't, but Audreh soon saves the day and covers for her.

As Greg and Maxime head towards the Rovers for lunch, Greg spies Sally coming down the Street towards them. He tells Maxime to go on ahead while he retrieves his wallet from the factory, thus providing yet another excuse to talk to Sally. (Why on earth a level-headed lass like Sally should be 'foaming at the gash' over a strip of piss like Greg is anyone's guess. What on earth have they released into the water up Weatherfield way?)

As Sally runs down the Street, leaving several puddles behind her, Curly buttonholes Mike Baldwin at the door of the Kabin and canvasses him about the forthcoming election. Baldwin says that there is no way he is going to vote for a 'New Age, pot-smoking, vegetarian eco-warrior'. How could he? He is everything Spider and his lot despise: he is an entrepreneur who drives a big car and makes big money. Nor is he prepared to vote for Audreh - unless she is standing as 'Gossip of the Year'. Curly says that he'll put Mike down as a "Don't Know".

Greg and Sally exchange cow-eyes as they discuss Rita. Greg says that he almost enjoyed it at the hospital, being with Sally. Sally says that it was a strange situation. (Indeed it was: the first time that she's had to act with a puppet in all her years on the Street. Even Sooty has more charisma than Greg Kelly - which is amazing when you consider that Sooty's only one had *one* man's hand up his arse.)

Back chez Jim McDonald, "Legs" is telling La Mouton that he doesn't think she's thought things through properly. La Mouton says that she has had plenty of time to think - most of it while sewing knickers at the factory. (Poor Liz - a slip with the sewing machine needle is the only prick she's going to be feeling for some time to come). Jim says that he could do with a drink, mainly because he's thinking of all the things he has to face up to. La Mouton says that he will face up to them without a drink if she has anything to do with it. Jim says - although not in so many words - that he can't offer Liz what she needs in the trouser department. Liz tells him that whatever the future may hold sub-duvet wise, she's proud of him and she loves him. And if she needs a good seeing to every now and again, she can always give Des Barnes a shout. (Actually, she only mentioned the love and pride bit, but you know what I mean).

At the Rovers, Curly continues his mission to woo Lorraine (she of the inane grin and the slow-motion delivery) by asking her whether she's still prepared to help him and Spider stuff envelopes later that evening. She is, of course, and duly lights up when Spider's name is mentioned. (Glenda Young is taking a contract out on Embalmed Spice as we speak, and I can't say that I blame her. Although not for the same reason, of course. I don't fancy Spider, Glenda lass, and never have. It's just that I had high hopes for this Lorraine bird and she's dashed every one of them. I think I preferred her when she was La Moutonette, as Mike Plowman called her. At least there was something tangible about her to bitch about. Now she's just a cipher.)

Kevin and Sally are also in the Rovers with the lunchtime crowd. (Although Kevin looks as though he fancies some chicken, he forgoes lunch and settles for a pint instead; Sally, on the other hand, makes cow-eyes at Greg, while dreaming of a nice big Sausage in Cider). Kevin wibbles on ad nauseam about the sale of Sally's dead mother's house, the garage, and Natalie, but Sally's mind is, as I said, focused firmly on Peter Pine, who is sitting at a table with Minnie Mahogany (Maxime, as if you didn't know).

Maxime is actually dishing the dirt on Chris 'Studley' Collins. "He sounds like a bit of a lad," says Greg, who knows more than he's cottoning on about lad's bits, if the truth be known. Maxime is the arsehole of discretion. "You bet," she gushes: "He had an affair with Samantha, caught beta-carotene poisoning and ran off to back to Zaire, with a short stop in London en route to make a crappy single that sank without a trace." A paragon of subtlety and diplomacy, Maxime goes on to say that while Studley was working for Kevin, he was also 'knocking off' Sally. (I've never understood why they call it 'knocking off'. I mean, what is it that actually gets 'knocked off'? Another thing I don't understand is 'all-in wrestling'. I mean, if it's all-in, who in their right mind would want to wrestle?)

Maxine duly leaves for work, followed by Sally, who accosts the former in the Street. Sally witters on about making an appointment, then moves the conversation on to Greg. Maxime says that she was telling Greg all about Chris Collins. "I do hope you haven't been telling Greg things which aren't his business," Sally says. "You mean you and Chris?" asks Maxime. "Oh no, I mean, that's ancient history isn't it?"

At the corner shop, Jim wheels himself in to buy a bunch of flowers for Liz. "Elizabeth and I might be getting back together," he announces to the assembled throng (Maud and Nurse Florence Platt). "I couldn't be more pleased for you," says Maud. "Is it common knowledge?" asks Nurse Platt. "Well it will be now that Maud knows," says Jim, gesturing to the CNN logo stamped on Old Mother Grimes's forehead.

At the factory, Sally buttonholes Greg and asks him what Maxime has told him. "I don't like being gossipped about," she tells him sternly. "I just like to know about people," says the arboreal one. "I know you and Kevin have had your problems, but it's none of my business." "Exactly," says Sally, "and besides, as Maxine said, it's ancient history. And I wouldn't be putting thousands of pounds of me mother's inheritance into the business if I thought we had problems, would I?" She tells him that he must be getting serious with Maxine, given that he's now moved into the Street. Greg says that moving into the Street had nothing to do with Maxime: all he wanted was to be nearer work. "The neighbours are nice, especially the lovely family next door," he says, oleaginously. Sally melts at this, of course, and makes a mental note to buy a pair of incontinence knickers next time she's in Manchester. "Maxine's fun," Greg says, "but it's not serious. I guess I just haven't found Miss Right yet, as my mum would say." (Wonderful! That's exactly what my mother tells people about me! This Greg and I have *so* much in common...)

Over on the other side of the Street, Spider, Curly and Lorraine meet to stuff some envelopes. Embalmed Spice doesn't think much of Spider's place, so Curly puts her right and tells her that it's his aunty's house. "Oi!" says Spider, "my aunty Em's well cool. She's Weatherfield's answer to Mrs Merton! (Really, since when did Emily go out with toyboys and take overdoses? Or have I been missing something?)

At the Paris restaurant, Fred is laying on the flattery with a trowel. "You've got gifts, Audreh, given to very few leaders: glamour, charisma - our very own Evita Peron. With your sylph-like figure, though, it would be more like Ryvita Peron." (Some chat up-line, eh? Certainly beats "Do you spit or do you swallow?" doesn't it? No? Oh well, please yourselves.) Audreh says that all this talk could turn a girl's head, then remonstrates with herself for using the word 'girl'. Audreh then talks about Alfeh - much to Fred's chagrin - and says that while Alfeh is usually jealous if she as much as looks at another man, he doesn't seem to have that problem with Fred. "Why not?" asks Fred. "Am I not a man? If you prick me, do I not bleed?" Audreh says that Alfeh knows Fred is just her campaign manager, and would never entertain thoughts of sinking the old beef torpedo.

At the hospital, Betty and Alec come to visit Rita, who looks absolutely dreadful. (Barbara Knox was very brave to allow herself to be filmed looking so ghastly; this scene must have done more for the sales of Oil of Ulay than a hundred advertisements put together). Betty says that Alec was very brave to rescue Rita, and that she hadn't 'got him down as the Errol Flynn type'. Alec says that he doesn't know what he'd have done if Rita had died: life wouldn't have been worth living.

Back at the McDonald residence, "Legs" and Liz are discussing their future, in terms of their past: i.e. the mistakes they made before, and how to avoid them in the future. "We have to take it one day at a time," says Liz, "and not try too hard. Maybe one day we'll realise we've grown old together."

Back at the Paris, Audreh is feeling the effects of just a little too much wine. "If I didn't know you better," she says, "I'd swear you were trying to get meh tiddleh." Fred says that he's just trying to get her to relax. "An election campaign's like running a marathon," he says. "You need to pace yourself. You mustn't peak too early." Audreh lets out a near-orgasmic grown. "Sometimes I think I've never peaked at all," she sighs. (Now I'm not making this up. And it wasn't just me who interpreted the whole thing in a sexual way, either. A semiotician friend of mine swears that the whole scene was pregnant with sexual innuendo.) Fred tells her that now's her chance. "You're mature, confident, beautiful. There's nowt to stand between you and your destiny." Audreh forgets the mature and the confident and says: "Do you really think I'm beautiful?" Fred, obviously a past master at choosing the kind of sentence that opens legs, replies: "How could I not? I've watched you blossom as this campaign progressed."

Back at Aunty Em's, the envelopes are stuffed and Curly invites Spider and Embalmed Spice for a drink. Spider refuses, which is a cue for Embalmed Spice to do likewise. Once Lorraine has gone, Curly comes clean and tells Spider that he fancies Lorraine. "But what would a girl like that see in a bloke like me?" he says. (Which is what I say to my mother whenever she 'matchmakes' for me at family parties.)

The final scene takes place at the McDonalds. Liz tells "Legs" that the past two years have been the loneliest of her life; Legs tells her that she should have tried living in a house that was once a family home. Liz counters by saying that he should try living in someone else's house with someone else's furniture and a whole cellar filled to the brim with root vegetables. Then Liz suggests that if they are to take things one day at a time, would it be possible to start tonight? (In other words, she wants to stop over). Jim says he'd like that, but that there would be no hard feelings on his part. She says she doesn't mind: at least he won't be able to roll over and kick her in the middle of the night. And with Jim's tender "I love you", the music swells and the credits roll.

That's it for another week. Sorry about the delay, but with this one out of the way, we should be back on track.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy meself. I think I've earned it.

Love and hugs,

Friday 17 July

The episode commences with Alec letting in the inspector who has come to investigate the source of Rita's gas leak. Alec is still brooding on what might have happened had he not found Rita, but the inspector has a job to do, to find out how it happened. The inspector asks whether there is a gas boiler on the premises and when Alec tells him that he doesn't really know, he says that it is probably the fire and according to him, the most usual culprit is jackdaws. Apparently, they build their nests in the chimneys and block the flue, so there is no ventilation

There is no apparently about this, dear Update readers, as it was about a year ago that the same happened to us - Jack (!), a young Jackdaw had occupied such a nest.. unfortunately, he slipped off the ledge and ended up at ground level behind our gas fire. Abandoned by his parents, he was too young and weak to fly out and the squawking and flapping behind the fire was distressing to say the least. It took a visit from the gas engineer to dismantle the fire, one from the chimney sweep to rescue same bird and another visit from the engineer to put the fire back. On the advice of the bird people, we put Jack into an old budgie cage we had, but after a few days, he was still struggling, pretty weak and traumatised, so we ended up taking him to a Bird Sanctuary, where they built him up for a few weeks, before successfully releasing him into the wild. The whole episode cost us around £150 in engineer's and chimney sweep's fee, plus a donation to the Sanctuary and inclusive of a few quid for the fitting of a chimney cowl, which would have saved all concerned a load of bother and distress. Such is life!

Back at the Websters, Sally is putting on her make-up - she tells Kevin that she is going to pop into town, get some stuff for Rita and will call in on her on the way to work. When Kevin asks whether she will be finishing late, she says no, she is owed a day in lieu, but if Mike wants her to work overtime, she will - what dedication! Kevin tells her he's fancies them going out for a meal, but at this, Sally snaps at him, accusing him of being very keen to go out for meals all of a sudden. When Kevin explains that it is not as if they cannot afford to do so, and in any case, it gives them a chance of being on their own, Sally is hesitant and asks him not to make any firm arrangements, in case she's not up to it (the fact that she is up for it, is, of course, another matter, especially as it's not with RKevin). Kevin asks whether she has heard from her sister, Gina - this is obviously in connection with the sale of Sally's mum's house and Kevin tells her that he cannot wait until they own the garage, 100% and get rid of Natalie. Sally asks him whether he had ever wondered what it would have been like if they hadn't got back together and he had stayed with Natalie - he is surprised at her question and asks whether she is trying to give him nightmares. She wonders whether he might have been happy with Natalie, but he is rather puzzled by the conversation. When he asks what she is trying to say, she dismisses her thoughts as being stupid. Kevin tries to reassure her by telling her that all he thinks about is her and the girls. The look on her face tells a different story.

Liz and Jim are carrying out a post-mortem on their night of passion - a sort of "how was it for you?" session. Liz tells Jim she loves him and wants to be with him. Jim sighs and comments that "that side of things was always very good between us." Liz agrees, but points out that they had problems in just about every other department "you never know, celibacy might just turn us into the perfect couple. I can wait as long as it takes" she reassures. "Can you? Well, even if you can, why the hell should you?" is Jim's response. Liz continues to try to put his mind at ease by telling him she recognises it won't be plain sailing for either of them, but it is what she wants. "You are what I want!"

Betty has come in to the Kabin - she tells Alec she has not come to buy anything, she was just wondering whether he intends making an appearance at the Rovers. Alec replies that he intends to pop in to see how they are all managing. Betty tells him that they are managing "I mean, we've got no choice. I don't know about the customers... I mean, they hate to be kept waiting for their ale." When Alec points out that he cannot really leave Rita in the lurch, Betty replies that this then leaves them in the lurch. She commends Alec for the kindness he is showing to Rita, but points out that he has his own business to run. Alec tells her he will pop in later this evening, but Betty tells him that it's at lunchtime that they are busy. She comments on how tired he looks and he tells her that he was up at 5 a.m. doing the papers. Betty beseeches Alec to slow down himself, as the way he is going, Rita won't be the only one in hospital.

The gas inspector comes into the Kabin and asks Alec who installed the gas fire in Rita's. He tells Alec that it has been fitted in the last 12 months - his four-year old could have done a better job - although it would have been better if it had been a newer model of fire as the newer versions have safety devices, the problem was with the actual installation. He points out that he would be very surprised if they were CORGI registered [for the benefit of overseas readers, CORGI is the Confederation of Registered Gas Installers, the official body of approved installers of gas appliances] and they would be in hot water if they are CORGI registered. The gasman tells Alec that this was an accident waiting to happen, that Rita is lucky to be alive and that whoever put the fire in should be prosecuted.

Liz is asking Jim whether she should stay the night again. He replies that it is up to her. She says it's a big step moving back in so soon after getting together, however, they are not kids. She tells him she will have to let Deirdre know.. she doesn't want to leave her in the lurch. She asks Jim to confirm that this is what he wants and his reply is that nothing would make him happier. "Well then. You're on!" says Liz. She intends to inform Deirdre and tells Jim she thinks it's a great idea as she gives him a sloppy kiss. As she leaves the house, she bumps into Steve on his way in.. she says to Jim that she'll leave Jim to tell Steve the good news.

Sally has called into the hospital to visit Rita. Rita tells her that she feels tired and her head is still banging, but apart from that. She tells Sally that, let alone knowing how long she is going to be there, she doesn't even know how she got there in the first place. She remembers bits and pieces - sitting in her flat, feeling as if she was suffocating, she remembers being in the ambulance - the next thing she knows, a nurse is taking her blood pressure. "Carbon monoxide fumes, the doctor said", she explains to Sally. Sally tells her how lucky she was and this if it were not for Alec, then Rita would not be here at all. She explains how Alec went round to see her, there was no answer, so he came looking for Sally. He made Greg Kelly kick the door in. Rita is grateful and expresses the wish to phone and thank him, as Sally continues to tell her how good Alec is - he is not to be found at the Rovers, as he is looking after the Kabin. Apparently, he had insisted on doing so, as Leanne was too young to cope on her own. When Rita admits that she was worried about the shop, Sally tells her that there is no need, indeed Alec is even getting up in the morning to do the papers. "He's been absolutely amazing, the rest of us haven't had a look in" gushes Sally.

Steve has rushed hot-foot into the salon to tell Fiona the news about Jim and Liz getting together and that Liz is even thinking of moving back in. "I told you something good would come of it" he tells her. A stunned Fiona replies that she cannot believe the way his mind works, presumably he did his dad a favour by pushing him off the scaffolding, "what was it? Your good deed for the day?" He insists that he didn't mean it this way and had hoped she would be pleased. Fiona tells him that she is pleased, but for Jim and Liz and not for him.

Sally is about to leave Rita at the hospital. She gives Rita some make-up and a new nightie she has got her and when Rita tries to pay her for this, Sally won't hear of it.. besides it gave her a chance to treat herself. She shows Rita a new top she has bought and asks her opinion. When Rita replies that it is like something Leanne would wear, Sally is pleased and says that she is fed up of looking like an old maid. When Rita asks how Kevin and the girls are, and comments on how the holiday would have done them good, Sally tells her that a holiday apart from Kevin would have done them even more good - she tries to explain it away by saying that it's not easy a family of four, spending all waking hours together. Rita offers to have the kids when she gets out of hospital, so that Kevin and Sally can have some time alone. Sally tells her that, although she doesn't wish to worry her, it might be quite a while before Rita is up to it.

As Sally is about to leave, Alec arrives. He comments that Rita looks like she's on the mend. "I'm alive, Alec and I know who I have to thank for that" replies a grateful Rita.

and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End of part 1

After the ads, it's

Part 2
Alec is at Rita's bedside maintaining that he was just trying to be a good neighbour but it was Greg Kelly, who gave her the kiss of life. "Really?" says Rita, "I wish I'd been awake for that!" (Woman!! You cannot be serious????) "and Sally," continues Alec, adding that it was a team effort. Alec is clearly tired and asks whether is OK for him to take his shoes off. "It's hard work doing the papers in the morning, isn't it?" asks Rita innocently. "You can say that again!" replies Alec, then realising that Rita knows, he adds "Sally told you, then, has she?" Rita mockingly chastises him that he didn't ask for her permission . Alec maintains that he did. "It's just that you were unconscious at the time!" Rita maintains that Alec does not have to do this, but Alec insists that somebody has got to do it. When Rita tells him that this is what she pays Leanne for, Alec retorts that Leanne is just a kid, she cannot manage on her own.. besides.. he likes helping out, it gets him out of the Rovers. Rita expresses her gratitude but says that he has enough on his plate. When Alec tries to tell her not to worry about the shop, Rita replies that it is him she is worried about. Alec insists that there is nothing to worry about, he has "the constitution of a 20-year old," as he fails to stifle a massive yawn, which gives the game away as to how tired he really is, "full of life I am". "So I can see!" replies an unconvinced Rita.

Outside Underworld, Sally is going into work. She bumps into Greg - he tells her that he was wondering where she was, the place wasn't the same without her. She tells him that she has just been to see Rita. Greg compliments Sally on her T-shirt, asking whether it is new.

As they go their separate ways, Maxine catches up with Greg and invites him out, after work, much to his surprise. She kisses Greg and as she does so, we see Sally viewing the scene, clearly jealous.

Back at the hospital, Alec has fallen asleep in the chair, with exhaustion. Rita wakes him up. Alec is upset at falling asleep. Rita says she had to wake him up in case he had to get back and tells him not to worry - she has phoned Leanne and insists that he should go home and put his feet up. When Alec tells her that he'll see her tomorrow, Rita tells him that she would like that. Just as he is about to leave, he asks her who fitted the gas fire. "It was Jim McDonald, although it was Steve who actually did the work" she replies. We see the anger flicker on his face as Steve's name in mentioned yet again, in a negative context.

At the Rovers, Ken is asking Betty if there is any news on Rita. Betty tells him that, although she is still very poorly, she is off the critical list now. Ken is in particularly cheerful mood saying that the side-effects can go on for years with headaches, loss of memory, that sort of thing!!

Deirdre greets Liz coming into the pub "Ooh, here she is! Dirty stop out!" and after she has ordered Liz's drink, tells her that she was nearly sending a search party out for her! When Liz says that she should have phoned, Deirdre replies that she had a fair idea where she was! "I was at Jim's", gushes Liz. "You are providing 24 hour nursing cover now, eh?" jokes Deirdre at which stage Liz confides that it's got to be a bit more than that.. "actually, we're thinking about moving back in together.. just thinking about it - not gonna rush into anything" (yeah like thinking a whole 5 milliseconds!)

Lorraine brings Curly's drink to him.. he thanks her for all her help at the campaign meeting. She tells him that she enjoyed herself, at least she enjoyed the company - she admits that she doesn't find politics very exciting to tell the truth. Curly replies that she obviously doesn't know Spider very well and that some of his antics in the past would have made her hair curl - like direct action, civil unrest, throwing up barricades, retain espionage. "Wow!" replies Lorraine as Curly misreads the response and tries to persuade her that this is all in the past, now that he has managed to persuade him if he wishes to each his goals, he has to sue the ballot box rather than his freezer cabinets. He adds that he is Spider's "sort of, erm, Svengali, at the moment" Lorraine offers to help if needed.. "What about tonight?" leaps in Curly.. he tells her that they are having a strategy meeting in the Rovers, but she feels she might be out of her depth. Trying to grease his way in, he tells her that her input would be very useful (yeah right!). Flattered, she accepts as he adds that if the discussion gets too lively they can always go for a Chinese meal.

Deirdre is getting the drinks in, saying that she hopes Liz knows what she is letting herself in for. Liz says she should do, as they have been together 23 years on and off. When Deirdre points out it was definitely off till Jim has his accident, Liz replies that sometimes a tragedy like that helps you get things in perspective. "And sometimes it can muddy the waters" warns Deirdre, "are you sure you're not confusing love and pity?" Liz denies this is the case, although she does admit to pitying him, who wouldn't if you they had been through Jim's experience, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. She always loved him, even when he put her through hell, and seeing how strong he has been and how he has coped with his accident, she loves him more than ever. Deirdre expresses pleasure at Liz's happiness, toasts Liz's and Jim's future.

At Underworld, Greg has come in to find Sally working late and comments on her beginning to make a habit of it, he wonders whether she has a home to go to. Sally confides that the way she feels right now, she'd prefer being here. When he says that for someone who has just come off holiday, she doesn't look very happy, she brushes off the comment, by saying she is just being miserable and that he should just ignore her. When she makes to leave because Kevin is supposed to be taking her out for a meal, Greg replies that she doesn't look too thrilled at the prospect. She tells him it's all a bit complicated and when he offers to listen, she tells him that maybe things are just getting on top of her. Greg offers to share a bottle of red wine given to him by an appreciative customer. She agrees to stay for just one glass.

Curly calls round to see Spider to persuade him that they need a strategy meeting, to think of some new ideas. Spider looks game for it and Curly suggests the Rovers in 30 minutes. When Spider suggests inviting Emily and Toyah, Curly dismisses the idea, suggesting this is a meeting for the "inner circle, yeah, me, you and Lorraine." When Spider says that Lorraine is hardly key to the campaign, Curly admits that she is key to his.

Sally and Greg are in Mike's office drinking the wine. Sally wonders what Mike would say, but Greg tells her that he spoke to Mike an hour ago and he was told to lock up. Sally tells Greg that she still feels she is doing something she shouldn't. Greg asks whether that is such a bad thing, he offers (jokingly?) to take her through last month's sales figures if she wants. He opens up a discussion on the state of Sally's marriage to Kevin, she admits all marriages have their ups and downs and theirs is no different. She then admits that Kevin started seeing someone else last year.. "you know her, Natalie, she works at the Rovers, she owns part of the garage." When Greg senses all is not well by suggesting that maybe Sally cannot forgive him for it, she admits that when your life has been turned upside down, it makes you think about all those things you took for granted. She tells him that she is trying so hard to make it work, but she has changed, her eyes have been opened, she feels like she is missing out on something. When she makes to leave, Greg senses his opportunity and tells her that she cannot waste her life like this. She tells him that she has said to much, "it's just the drink talking" "Well this isn't" replies Greg as he takes hold of her and kisses her.

At the pub, the strategy meeting is in full flow. Those present Spider, Curly and Lorraine. Curly is suggesting that every day starts with a Breakfast Meeting and they decide exactly what the want to achieve that day. A parallel but totally unrelated conversation is going on between Lorraine and Spider - she is quizzing him about living underground in a tunnel. When Curly tries to bring the conversation back on track, Lorraine makes her excuses to go to the loo. Spider tells Curly that he is enjoying the meeting, but Curly points out that it isn't helping him, or the campaign. When Spider agrees and asks what they should do, Curly's suggestion is "Why don't you shove off? I'll tell her that you've got an interview with a local paper." He begs Spider to leave and is relieved when Spider agrees.

Maxine is waiting for Greg and when Fiona comes in, she admits she is waiting for Greg, who is across the road.. after all, the car is parked outside.

By the time that Lorraine has returned from the loo, Spider has gone. Curly tells her that Spider had to dash off. He suggests that they carry on and offers to get her a drink. Clearly disappointed by Spider's departure, Lorraine tells him she is a bit tired. She has been working all day. She should get home herself. Now it's Curly's turn to be disappointed.

Back at the factory, Greg and Sally are in a passionate clinch. When Sally asks what they are doing, Greg replies it is only what he has been wanting to do ever since he starter there. Sally asks whether the door is locked and when Greg says it isn't, Sally tells him to lock it. He does so and comes back to her and both pick up where they left off, the episode ending with them in a passionate embrace

And it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Mark Wadlow

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? One of those episodes, where the scene is being set for future storylines, rather than any real action.. unless you dismiss the Sally/Greg storyline, which I would be delighted to do.

Rita and Alec are good as ever, but unfortunately a pretty average script as this things go.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until next week, take care

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Alan

Sunday 19 July

(This update was previously on sale at the higher price at our Weatherfield store for a period of not less than 14 days. Only for sale at this price on a non-returns basis)

Bonjour encore, mes amis. I wonder if it will be still be Summer by the time this finally reaches you ? Well, Winter in the southern hemisphere, but perhaps still Summer all points north of the Equator ? Certainly not in the yoo-kay, should you be unlucky enough to be residing here with me. Perpetual spring and autumn we're getting. Maybe it's New Labour - New Seasons ? The Millenium Bug, perhaps ?

Whatever, I'm off on holiday soon, and we're not going far enough south for my liking, unless things improve. Did you ever have those raincoat and board games holidays when you were a child, too ? Oh, please no, I have no desire to be the parent on the receiving end of endless whinging. And talking of holidays, I'll have to take a break from doing these updates while I'm sunning myself on a beach/hiding from the torrential rain/ whatever. (I'm fairly sure the Isle of Wight is bereft of cybercafes...) As yet, I haven't organised a stand-in, and it looks rather as if one or two of the other guys might be away at about the same time, so unless a whole rash of willing volunteers turn up, there may be a small break in service. Sorry about that. More nearer the time.

Ooh, guess what ! I'm attending my first Ping at the end of next week ! It's not me, I said it's not me, socialising with a bunch of strangers. I'm more the hiding away in the kitchen with the whisky bottle kind of person. Speak when spoken to, and not before. That sort of thing. "He's quiet, your husband, isn't he ?" ("They're dull, your friends, aren't they ?" Clout.) I'm thinking of making up a big label to go round my neck - please look after this bear - if found asleep, put on return train to Manchester. If I don't get home afterwards, I'll be in BIG trouble. Grounded for years, probably. Wish me luck !

It's been one of those weeks for feeling old. Letter from the health centre asking me to book an appointment for a general check-up, heart screen, summat along those lines. Haven't been yet - thinking of following the advice of a friend who's been ducking requests to attend a "Well Man" clinic at his doctors' for about 6 years now. He's medically trained himself, who am I to argue with such wisdom ? Oh, and our first "is she really going out dressed like that ?" moment with our daughter. School-leaving disco, skimpy top, clumpy platform shoes, hair, makeup, the works. Came back in tears, of course - some problem with the musical chairs game. Oh, did I not say she's only 7 ?

Anyway, as it said at the start of tonight's show, relax (with Cadbury's Caramel) and let the soothing tones of those familiar brass instruments wash over you as we take a trip down the cobbled backstreets of Weatherfield...

Act 1
Picking up where we left off on Friday night, Maxine leaves the Rovers and jiggles off down the road towards the factory, in search of Greg. [Tight pink low-cut dress, jiggles, use your imagination !] On the way, she passes Lorraine and Spider. Our latest recruit is offering to take Spider to a party that night. He declines, claiming a prior engagement with Auntie Em, sorting out some jumble. [Whether this is true, or Spider is uninterested, or gallantly leaving the way clear for his new mate Curly, we're not sure. Perhaps a bit of all three.] Lorraine says goodnight, and then bumps into Curly, emerging from his house. He wonders if she is going out tonight, but apparently not, she has remembered she has an essay to write. She bids him farewell, hurrying off down the street before he has a chance to notice her wooden nose growing by the second. Deflated, Curly greets Spider and asks if Lorraine has been talking about him. "Just ask her out, Curly !" advises Spider. Curly tells him he married once, to a beautiful blond barmaid who worked in the Rovers. "What happened ? She went off to Kuala Lumpur !". Spider suggests Curly could try the sympathy angle.

In Mike's factory [which I swear was rocking slightly on its foundations, and those windows *were* steamed up], Greg and Sally are straightening items of clothing and picking up papers which have somehow got scattered over the floor, when they hear the front door opening. Greg has failed to secure it properly [let's hope he took a little more care in other departments !], and in walks Maxine. "What's going on ?" she asks. Greg tells her they are tidying up after Mike. She spots the empty bottle of wine [you knew it was red, didn't you ?] and asks what it's about. Greg tells her that that was the reason why Mike had screwed up some paperwork - too much drinking in the office. Throughout, Sally looks as guilty as hell. She makes her excuses and leaves Greg and the brainless one alone. "Shall we go to the Rovers ?" asks Maxine. No, Greg wants to go somewhere where they can get some proper champagne, he wants to celebrate. "Celebrate what ?". "Getting away with it !!" he responds, meaning the supposed cock-up that Mike left him to sort out. She kisses him, and fails to notice that he must be reeking of wine.

Over at Weatherfield General, Alec is still trying to persuade Rita to take action against Steve Macdonald over the faulty gas fire, but Rita is too tired to be thinking about anything other than getting some rest.

Back at the Websters, the shameless one is grinning at herself in the mirror. Kevin comes in, and tells Sally that he off to the solicitors the next morning to sort out the transfer of the garage into his name. Poor Kevin thinks everything is going swimmingly, and they embrace. He too fails to notice that strong wine smell. [I have it on good authority that Sally Whittaker does not particularly enjoy the steamy scenes with Greg. Well, Sally, all I can say is that it didn't seem to affect your performance last Friday in Underworld ! I'll swear that Greg was turning blue through lack of oxygen...]

Fiona is tidying up in the salon. [Only two things happen in the salon - hair gets poked about a bit with brushes or fingers, and people sweep up.] Steve has got the nostalgic hand-made British sports car, Morgan, off to sleep. An early night is suggested as a way of making up for the predicted 3am feed. Alec barges in at this point, telling Steve that he's not going to get away with it. Steve is confused, but when he learns that the cause of Rita's hospitalisation has been determined to be the gas fire that he installed, tells Alec that it was fitted over a year ago.

Intermission
I don't beliiieeeeevvve it ! About 53 seconds into the episode, and the adverts troll in. I'm only a quarter of the way through my notes, for heaven's sake... I suppose we should be grateful that there will only be just the one interruption in our half-hour show. The ads are all bobbins, as usual. Straight on to the lengthy...

Act 2
Alec has obviously left the salon, but Fiona and Steve continue to debate what the latest news means to them. Fiona points out that Jim and Bill Webster would be held responsible, as they ran the business at the time. Steve determines to protect his Dad [and no doubt himself if he can manage it.]

[Oops. I think Alec has left the salon because it's the next day ! Pay attention at the back, Laird !!] In the factory, the girls are all at work and Mike arrives and hands Greg a cheque for his latest whatever-it-is-he- does. "That'll put a bigger smile on your face than that Maxine can !" he says. They exchange some banter about how well business is going, and Mike invites Greg into his office to talk privately. On the way, Greg and Sally exchange knowing smiles. Janice looks on.

Back at the salon again. Maxine is cradling Morgan and trilling to Fiona how she "knows" Greg really cares for her, and isn't just after one thing. ["Yeah he can get that anytime from that tramp Sally, but it's *me* he takes out !". No, only kidding.] She shows Fiona a brochure from an expensive hotel and tells her she has planned a surprise weekend there. "I want to show Greg that I can appreciate classy things too." Fiona's reply is spot on - "What, like his wallet ?". Maxine figures that even if she books the hotel, Greg will almost certainly insist on paying in the end anyway. It's it's a fair bet she really can't afford the treat.

Alec and Fred are discussing the upcoming election, in the Rovers. Fred thinks it's time for all hands on deck. Continuing the nautical theme, Alec says "like on the Titanic, you mean ?". No, no, says Fred, they're off to press the flesh with the proletariat. [Only Fred can get away with lines like this.] "You know, string vests and kids with impetigo !". Alec observes that, truly, he and Audrey represent the caring side of politics.

Jim is also in the pub, having a good laugh with Ken, it would appear. Steve arrives and wonders what's happening, as his Dad used to be of the opinion that Ken was a pompous prat. "A lot's changed", says Jim, "I'm on top of the world". Steve looks thoughtful. "Something on your mind ?" enquired Jim. Steve looks more thoughtful. A decision is imminent. Finally, he gets up and leaves. "Yes, something I need to go and do" says the coward as he leaves Jim looking puzzled.

On location, Audrey and Fred are accosting a pair of buggy-pushing women, with the fragrant one promising free child-minding if she is elected. [The scriptwriters must have a real downer on politicians and their false promises !] Fred goes for the under-18 vote, and bellows at this hapless toddler "HELLO, LITTLE BABY !". Said baby promptly dissolves into tears ! Fred places a campaign sticker on the poor little lad, and the two mums rush off without saying a word. [I.e. they are non-speaking extras.] Fred and Audrey look pleased with this "success", until they spot a poster nearby, which has been defaced with various graffiti - I made out "French lessons", a phone number, and a moustache...

Steve has obviously changed tack, and has decided to broach the subject of the gas fire with Rita instead. He arrives at the hospital with a large bunch of flowers. Rita is under no illusions as to the purpose of his visit, but he plays it very innocently, pointing out that although he did fit the fire, it would be Bill and his Dad who would be held responsible. [He also mentioned that it had been fitted over a year ago, and must have been working properly to start with.] Further, he reckons the authorities wouldn't go to the effort of bringing Bill back from Germany, so in all likelihood Jim would be the one in the dock. And what with him being in a wheelchair and all that...

Curly and Toyah are brewing up some coffee in Curly's living room, when Spider and Lorraine arrive. Curly immediately offers his cup of (untouched) coffee to Lorraine, saying that Toyah will make some more. "I will not" she mutters to herself. Things start to go to pot at this point, as Curly witters on in a fake exaggerated voice to Lorraine about getting some pizza and how they could all go canvassing. And frankly it was all dull, dull, dull. I hope they were paying Curly well for this, as I wouldn't have graced the scene with my presence at all. Black mark, Mr Park.

What a total contrast as we return to Fred and Audrey, knocking at the door of a prospective voter. It's not quite Stan Ogden's "string vest", but it is a heavily built guy with a sleeveless T-shirt and a large Alsatian straining at the lead. Fred introduces them in flowery terms and mentions Alf in a very roundabout fashion. "Is he all there ?" asks the man. Audrey picks up the spiel. "I'm carrying on the good work of my husband, Alf, who held my seat for many years !" [It gets better, too !] In reply to some of Audrey's policy declarations, the man declares "I've a policy of me own. I don't buy from t'door. Not double glazing, not dusters, and not scraggy old tarts !!". He's not done yet. "So you, and slaphead here, get lost before my dog [name of Prince] gets hold of your seat a lot firmer than your flamin' husband !". He slams the door on them. Audrey rounds off the scene nicely. "If Spider wants to represent this lot, he's welcome to them..."

Steve has put the flowers into a vase, and sits them next to Rita's bed. She asks him what the chances are of Jim walking again. Steve tells her a lot depends on Jim himself, and manages to leave enough doubt in his voice about how it might turn out. Rita tells him that Jim will have to know about the fire. Just then, Alec arrives, and is angry to see Steve there. But Rita tells him that she was talking to Steve, and doesn't need his help. Steve tells her that if she decides to prosecute, it might be the last straw for his Dad.

Over to Curly's once more, and the Green campaign team have polished off the pizza. Everything sinks into the mire once more as Curly witters on again, this time about how he was a binman before he went to college [actually, I always thought it was the other way round], and all the while Lorraine is clearly paying little attention while smiling at Spider and Toyah is feeling more and more left out as the "intellectuals" rabbit on. This Curly and Lorraine plot needs shooting, so it does. [I used to be handy with a rifle, myself, if they need a hand.]

Quick trip back to the hospital, to find Rita and Alec. She ticks him off once more for interfering in her business and tells him that suing Jim Macdonald won't make her any better, she's on the mend anyway, but it might make him [Jim, that is] a lot worse. She's made up her mind, it seems.

To the Rovers once more, and Greg and Mike are having a drink. Greg lets it be known that he has considered going it alone before, and there have been offers of support already. Mike is coming to his own conclusions. Much as he likes work, he also likes his wife, and his golf, and wants more time for them. He thinks it would be a good idea for Greg to take on more of the running of the factory, and see how that goes.

Fred and Audrey have returned for a post flesh-pressing drink. Fred can smell victory, and tells Audrey that as the election is so close, she can promise voters more or less what she likes. "Halve the rates, and free somethings for OAPS." [Please insert your own "something", I can't read my own writing ! It could have been anything.]

Kevin and Sally arrive. He's even more buoyant than before [we presume this is after his visit to his solicitor]. He wants to put the garage into their joint names, so it will really be a partnership, as their marriage is going so well. So happy is he, he invites Mike and Greg over to join in their celebration. Sally stares at the bar, but the ground resolutely refuses to open up and swallow her.

This episode was written by David Lane.

This would have been a truly fine episode without all the dreary bits about Curly and Lorraine. It's been a fair while now since we last saw Curly seriously trying to pull, but I'm sure he wasn't this cringingly awful clown with the annoying accent and total lack of confidence. And despite his goggles, he must be able to see Lorraine looking all gooey at Spider. No, I'm sorry, this is just plain drivel. Let's hope it's over soon.

On the other hand, the bits with Fred and Audrey out campaigning in the street were just brilliant. And I'm going to go out on a bit of limb again and put in a good word for Greg. I actually think he's starting to shape up rather well, especially in the smooth way he dealt with Maxine when she burst in on him and Sally in the factory. You haven't seen the word "Blandford" in one of my updates, have you ?

On the third hand, I admit I was wrong about Liz and Jim's therapist. It was Jim she was falling for, after all. Oops !

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

That'll be all for now, so it will - John Laird

Monday 20 July

What a surprise, it's breakfast chez Webster. Kevin is getting all excited about the prospect of renaming the business 'Webster, Webster and daughters', although he'd really like it to be 'Webster and Son' one day. Sally is getting less enthusiastic about the partnership, and this last suggestion is a bit too early for her imagination. She tries to tell Kevin that she's giving him the money so that it his business, and his alone, but he wants it to be a continuation of their partnership.

Alec is meddling in the Kabin, getting in Leanne's way, and getting the prices all wrong. Leanne comments that 'Rita will go bust in a week at this rate.' Sally comes in, and takes advantage of Mike being there to ask for time off so that she can visit Rita in hospital - but she promises to make the time up later, after hours. Could it be that she's planning on making up that time with Greg? Mike agrees.

In the Cafe, RToyah is seeking Roy's opinion of her school project on drugs. Roy, ever tactful, tells her that it has a lot to recommend it, but it is unstructured and rambling. 'But you said it had to have a beginning, a middle, and an end?' 'Yes, but preferably in that order.' Roy tells her that she's not thick, but a bit of help, extra coaching, might be a good idea. 'No way', says RToyah, 'I'm not having everyone calling me a 'boff'.'

Rita is asleep in her bed at Weatherfield General, and so too is Alec. Well, he's asleep in one of those 'the NHS isn't here to provide comfort' visitor chairs. A pretty blonde doctor appears, and Rita explains that he's one of her better friends, he is running her business as well as his own. As Rita is praising him to Doctor Plowman, it seems that Alec is actually awake, and quietly enjoying what he hears. The good doctor wants to know about Rita's domestic situation, family etc, as she wants to know that Rita will have someone to provide care arrangements when she is discharged. Alec, of course, volunteers for this, despite his exhaustion.

Alec brings up the McDonalds again - he wants to press charges, but Rita wants it all forgotten.

Spider and Curly are amusing themselves with Audrey's election manifesto, while RToyah folds copies - it's a bit reactionary and over the top, like Community Litter Gangs. Spider is beginning to think that people might actually be taken in by Audrey, and elect her. Toyah seems to be taken in too, and thinks she is being mocked for being thick, although Spider has to climb out of this hole rather quickly. Curly suggests they get Lorraine round, but Toyah storms off, thinking they are again teasing her.

As Alec leaves Rita's bedside, Rita again tells him to drop the McDonald business. Alec thinks that the World ought to be protected from McDonald workmanship, but Rita stops him, saying 'well they won't hear it from me....... and they won't hear it from you'. He mutters and leaves, just bumping into Sally who really has come to visit.

When Rita hears that she's going to do overtime to make up, she tells her that she shouldn't be doing it, she should be doing something romantic with Kevin instead of slaving over a machine. Rita senses that there is something 'up', which is probably explained by the idea of the new Sally / Kevin partnership idea.

Lorraine Dull comes into Roy's Rolls for some takeaway doughnuts and things. RToyah sneers under her breath at her order for custard pie - 'Where would you like the custard pie?', which Lorraine doesn't seem to hear. Toyah hides her surprise when Lorraine asks if she's going to the big campaign meeting tonight. She hadn't known about it, but covers that up.

Roy wants to know why she's not at school, and whether she has handed in her project. Toyah hasn't, because she thinks there's no point. Roy tries a little bribe - if she hands it in, he'll advance her wages so that she can go out with Spider and Lorraine later. Toyah is very pleased by this.

Spider is in the Rover's, handing out Audrey's leaflets to highlight her loopy policies. Jim is particularly taken with her idea of removing disabled parking spaces outside shops so as to improve access for able people. Jim's all for that if it means he doesn't have to go shopping.

Fred wants to know what's going on, and Spider tells him that Audrey's manifesto is pathetic, the most cynical piece of electioneering he has ever seen. As Fred says, 'It's just an imaginative use of public relations, that. Give a far sighted visionary like Audrey Roberts a blank agenda and see what she comes up with', but Spider answers that rhetoric with 'enough manure to bury you up to your neck!' Alec has to break them up, telling them to restrain themselves until Polling Day.

Still in the Rover's, Kevin asks Alec about Rita, and Alec is delighted to be able to spout about how lucky she is to be alive, given the shabby workmanship of the gas fire. Jim can't believe he's overhearing this, and Alec goes on to say that if Jim has a guilty conscience somewhere in his head, then it is entirely appropriate. Fred takes a keen interest in overhearing this conversation.
END OF PART ONE

And Part Two starts a bit later than expected, because I went to the York Ping in between. A cracking day out, friends old and new, and a quiz.

So it's Monday now, if I don't get this finished today I'll be 2.5 episodes behind by 19:30, and that just won't do.

PART TWO
Alec rushes up to the Kabin just as Leanne is locking up, presumably for her lunch. He excuses his tardiness by having another business to run, Leanne reckons that he is likely to run this one into the ground - she's spent all morning repricing all his mistakes. Alec tells her that 'Mrs Sullivan will be out of hospital soon', news which pleases Leanne because then they'll get back to normal - far from running the Kabin for Rita, Leanne tells him that he couldn't run 'a paperboy's tea party' - which is perhaps the newsagent's equivalent of a p*ss up in a brewery.

As Leanne leaves for her lunch, Jim wheels up to ask what the crack is - why is Alec bad-mouthing him? Alec tells him that he's been asked to keep out of it 'but let me put these things together for you: gas fire, installer, Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Does that ring any bells?' Jim has to admit that it doesn't, his memory is not what it was. But he does tell Alec that he knows his work was professional, because that's the kind of man he is. 'The kind of man that gets drunk and falls off buildings?' asks Alec, then assures Jim that 'the authorities will help you with your memory loss'.

It must be late afternoon by now, and Mike is asking Sally if she is serious about doing overtime - surely as a devoted wife and mother she'd want to get back to her loved ones? She is keen, but Mike seems troubled and tells her that he doesn't like leaving her alone - he'll stay behind too and catch up on some paperwork. Sally tries to discourage him by suggesting Alma doesn't see enough of him. He wonders what she has been saying, and then decides to stay on another ten minutes or so.

Electioneering again. Curly is apparently counting out copies of Audrey's manifesto, and Spider is teasing Lorraine about whether she would enter the proposed Miss Weatherfield competition. Curly comments that she'd win it hands down, then behaves as if he has committed a faux pas. To rescue himself he goes off to get some beers, leaving Spider to tell Lorraine what a great bloke Curly is, salt of the Earth, that sort of thing. 'And what do you think of him?' he asks Lorraine. Spider thinks that his involvement in this matchmaking is complete when Lorraine says that 'he's great, I really like him'.

Over at Hair By Muppets Fiona wants Maxime to give her the details about her forthcoming weekend away with Greg. Maxime says she's told her once, but she took more interest in seeing Steve off than listening to Maxime (not a lot of choice, there, but she took the right one). Still, she's pleased to repeat it. Maxime thinks that a change of scene might give Greg the boost to make a bigger commitment to her. She runs out when she sees him pass the window.

Sally is still trying to get Mike to go home - telling him not to make it so obvious that he doesn't trust her. He denies that he doesn't trust her, but announces anyway that he's off to the Rover's. Sally allows herself a wry little smile. The coast is clear.

Back at Muppetland, Steve comes in and surprises Fiona. Jim's not far behind, he's come to tell them that they might be responsible for Rita's brush with death. He can't remember whether he fitted the Central Heating or not, Steve confirms that it was himself - Fiona is quick to qualify that it would be under Jim and Bill's supervision. 'We can be in real trouble here, Steve. You understand me?'

Lorraine is quizzing Spider on his tastes in music - she's pleased that they have so much in common: Chumbawumba, The Levellers, Saw Doctors, Super Furry Animals. Curly comes back with the beers, and Spider tries to deflect Lorraine's attention - 'Curly likes Super Furry Animals as well, don't you mate?' but Curly is only thinking of small mammals, and doesn't catch on.

RToyah is cleaning up in the cafe, and is ready for home. Roy, true to his word, takes her advance wages from the till and confirms with her that she has handed in her project. Toyah doesn't think her teacher was impressed with it. She goes on to say that though she does care, there's so much she wants to be able to say, but when she does say things they don't come out right. Roy nods, and agrees that he knows that feeling well. Toyah doesn't believe him because he knows loads of things, which Roy admits, but says that people still think he's a bit odd. 'Well, not really odd', says Toyah. He tells her that she's got the right ideas and enthusiasm, she just needs to develop the skills to communicate these ideas. She's not thick, it's people without ideas who are thick, he says, and it's not too late for her to do something about it. He agrees that he knows lots of things, but what does he do? He runs a cafe. He envies her - she's got energy and confidence, and if she works at it she will soon find that she's not thick.

Sally needs to touch up her makeup so as she looks her best for the sewing machine. Just as she's decided to go home, Greg arrives, and she agrees that perhaps another hour's overtime would be in order! It appears that they don't have a Yellow Pages handy because she has to stand on tiptoes to reach him to kiss him.

Over the road, oblivious to this, Kevin is reading a bedtime story to the gurrrrllls. They want to know when Mummy will be back. Rursie, or it might have been Surphie, asks if Mummy is being punished by being kept late at work. Kevin laughingly explains that Mummy is doing overtime so that she can buy nice things for them - she's a Mummy who never stops thinking about them.

Sad to say, that loving Mummy probably has nothing else in her thoughts right now other than Greg and what she can do with him. She tells him that she can't believe she is doing this, after all she's been through, but she's never done anything like this before. Eh? Wot about Chris Collins then? Perhaps she dismisses that affair because that was not concurrent with being a full-time wife to Kevin.

They kiss, the credits (fortunately) roll.

Episode written by Peter Mills

Doctor Plowman was played by Sophie Sigston.

Dewey

Wednesday 22 July

A much-truncated update for this episode, I'm afraid. I actually wrote the update for the 29th thinking I'd already done the 22nd. Talk about confusion? I must have invented it! Anyway, when I went through my tapes, the 22nd July episode had been wiped. (Blame Him Indoors, who'd gone over it with an Arnie film). Thus I'm doing this from memory, hence the length. (Size isn't everything, after all). Forgive me - and rest assured it won't happen again. Oh, and from now on I'm totally up to date with the updates! (The downside is that the rest of the updaters are on holiday, which means delays their end, I wouldn't wonder). Still, one can't have everything, can one?

Well, the election campaign is hotting up, and the episode opens with Curly and Spider discussing tactics. Not too far from Curly's mind, however, is the subject of Embalmed Spice (Lorraine). Curly obviously has it bad, and Spider is doing his best to give him moral support, but don't you see it all ending in tears? (Well I do - chiefly because I've seen the episodes which follow this....). Embalmed Spice makes an appearance at this point, and is delighted to accept Curly's dinner invitation - thinking, of course, that Spider will be present as well. (Not, of course, if Curly has anything to do with it). Spider, meanwhile, is busy heckling Audreh with a loudhailer. Audreh doesn't need a loudhailer, of course: she has Fred.

[Well at least this particular election campaign has humour: when our local council election candidates call round to canvass us, one never knows whether to shake hands or reach for the formaldehyde. General elections aren't much better either. Durham is staunch Labour, of course, and it's always a one-horse race. Tories doorstep at their peril, and places like Sherburn are, of course, a no-go area. I live on a relatively mixed estate - mixed socio-politically, that is: an Argos-meets-Ikea-meets-Sainsburys-meets-Poundstretcher kind of place which attracts politicians of all colours, so any election becomes hell if you're thinking of a quiet night in. Thank God it's only once every five years.

Jehovah's Witnesses, however, are another kettle of fish altogether. Throw a stick on our estate and odds are that it'll hit a JW, fresh from poaching a soul or two. Or not, as the case may be. Our flat, positioned as it is above Victoria Wine, seems to be a particular target for them. We must have had at least a dozen visits from them in the past two months, which says a lot about their tenacity and probably even more about my stupidity. I can't help it: I'm naturally interested in other belief systems and quite enjoy the cut and thrust of serious debate. But if you let them into your house once, you find that you're saddled with them for what seems like forever. It wouldn't be so bad if they took a leaf out of the Mormons' book and dressed a bit snazzier, but they always look as though they've been at the bottom of the Oxfam remnants bag. Anyway, even I'm getting mighty tired of them now. It's just as well that they send a different couple each time, because the excuses I now give to get rid of them are different each week: Catholic, Jewish, Rastafarian - you name it, I've pretended to be it, just to get them to sling their hooks. But it's no use: I've let them in once and so I'm down on their list as a 'possible'. Carlo says we should take matters into our own hands. The plan he's devised is simple. Next time they come, I'm to answer the door dressed from head to foot in black, with a knife in one hand and a rope in the other. Then, halfway through their introductory spiel, a totally naked Carlo will join us at the door, which will be my cue to scream: "Carlo, get back on that f****** altar!" He says it's bound to work because the one thing that puts them off is Satanism. We probably won't go through with it, of course. Muggins here will probably let them in, then sit there nodding while they rabbit on, getting through half a pack of chocolate Bourbons in the process. But at least they don't bang on about the 'evils of Sodom' like the boring-again Christian fundamentalists. They've only been round once - and God knows who tipped them off that it was a Dorothean household - but they were totally, preternaturally spooky. All glazed eyes and crucifixes, with the biggest black Bible I've ever seen. Now serious debate is one thing, but to have someone quote Leviticus at me and talk about burning forever in Hellfire is another thing entirely. Especially at nine thirty on a Sunday morning. I mean, they wouldn't like it if I were to knock on their doors, wave a tube of KY in their face and proclaim the joys of anal sex, would they? I mean, the cheek of it! I don't think Jesus would approve either. I mean, if he were to come back and see what the Fundies were doing in His Name, the poor poppet would never stop throwing up.]

In the cafe, Toyah is still bemoaning the fact that everyone - herself included - thinks she's thick. Roy is being supportive, of course, but Ken 'Principles' Barlow tells her that if she'd paid more attention at school, she might have learned something. Toyah counters by saying that maybe if the teachers had cared a little, she might have learned something. "Maybe if they'd taught us something about real life rather than Mac-flipping-beth!" she wails. "Spider's clever - he knows all about places like Bogota, and I know bog-all." [Don't get me started on the deplorable state of the British education system, because I'll be here until the millenium, but when you get right down to it, I'm with Toyah. Of course, it's not nearly as simplistic as she would have it: there are many other variables involved, such as the general demise of authority figures in social life as a whole - of which mass education is just a small part. And there's the ridiculous diktat of the National Curriculum, of course, which was doomed from the outset, killing off every last vestige of teacher spontaneity, creativity and innovation. When I was between university posts, I decided to teach in secondary school for a year. What a monumental mistake that was! I ended up teaching history in a school up in Newcastle's West End - which makes the Sherburn Estate in Durham look like Mayfair. Well you try teaching "The Tudors and the Stuarts" to thirty glue-sniffers. Of what possible use is knowing about the Reformation to kids who have to be told how to walk into a room properly, or how to sit at a desk, or how to put their bag on the floor without causing fatal injury to the person asleep in the adjoining seat? I lost count of the number of times I was told to 'Fuck off' and finally threw in the towel after a couple of months. By this time, of course, in an effort to make things more interesting for the students, I'd subverted the National Curriculum so badly that it was the Head who bayed for my blood, not the kids. But I knew that in mass education, you're just another cog in a wheel, and if you don't fit in, you're out whether you like it or not. The whole point of mass education is to produce automatons, which is why kids rebel, and which is why more teachers should rebel too. So, while I recognise that the truth is far more complex than Toyah would have us believe, I know what she means and I second her inchoate line of reasoning entirely]. Barlow throws Toyah his copy of the Guardian and tells her that if she's really serious about educating herself, she should try reading one of the articles in it. [Not only will this do nothing for her confidence, it will bugger up her spelling in the process, but never mind, it's a start]

Elsewhere, Maxime prattles on to Fiona about her proposed weekend away with Peter Pine (Blandford Brown, to you). Sally is most perturbed to hear that the new item of her befuddled affections could have the temerity to go off on a shagging expedition, just when they're getting to know each other, but Blandford reassures her that "there's nothing in it." [Hello? I did say 'shagging expedition'. If there's nothing 'in it', why bother in the first place?] What on earth has come over Sally, apart, possibly, from Blandford, that is? What on earth does she see in him? I've never seen a more unsuitable couple in all my days of CS watching: Des Barnes and Betty Williams would have made snogging look more convincing]. Anyway, Blandford asks Sally whether an after-hours game of 'Hide the Salami' might not be a good idea. Does Sally consent? Do bears shit in the woods? Janice, however, has seen Blandford and Sally talking together, and her eyes indicate that she is slowly cottoning on to Sally's sudden penchant for all this overtime. [Vicky Entwhistle's acting in this scene was superb: her face ran the whole gamut of emotions - interest, suspicion, incredulity, cynicism - and it was all done with the eyes. Hail, indeed, one of the best actresses ever to grace the CS cobbles].

Out on the Street, Spider continues his campaign by heckling Fred and Audreh. His ploy, he tells Fred through the loudhailer, will be to go round publicising Audreh's own campaign manifesto, thus showing it up for the pretentious, mendacious load of claptrap it truly is. Fred says that such ploys always backfire, I say, always backfire.

In the Rovers, Maxime finally erodes Fiona's patience and wins an advance on her salary so she can go off on the weekend shagging expedition with Blandford Brown. Fiona tells Maxime that she will be wasting her money since Blandford is obviously a cad who is Up To No Good.

Also in the Rovers, Curly persuades Spider that dinner tonight is dinner-for-two: Curly and Lorraine. Spider is only too pleased to back out and help a mate, and later tries to talk Lorraine into going it alone with the bespectacled one. [I really do wish that Curly could get lucky for once and find some find of relationship, even with someone as lifeless as Embalmed Spice. I mean, it can't be much of an existence for him, holed up every night with nothing but a tub of Nivea and a dog-eared copy of 'Busty Babes'. He deserves more in life than repetitive strain injury].

Toyah's problem with her own perceived thickness gets another airing when she bemoans her fate to her mother, in possibly one of the most touching scenes in weeks. "You never cared. You never came to parents' evenings. You never even came into the school, except once to pick a fight. You weren't bothered if I didn't do me homework. You just weren't interested." Janice is taken aback by her daughter's new-found enthusiasm for education, but more than hurt to think how she has short-changed her over the years. Janice says that she had no idea that Toyah was interested in schoolwork at all; indeed, she'd assumed that Toyah would follow on in her footsteps. "We never bothered with it," says Janice. "It were just never important." Toyah is clearly distressed, and Janice even more so: tears fill her eyes - tears of frustration at her own shortcomings and her daughter's pain. [Another brilliant performance from Vicky Entwhistle, fast becoming the First Lady of Coronation Street in my estimation]

Chez the Websters, Surphie and Rursie are enthusing over their imminent trip to the cinema with their mother. But where is Sally? Yes, you guessed it! While her little poppets are waiting to go and see Free Willy 2, Sally is having a little free willy of her own over in the factory. Deciding that he will surprise her and thus curtail her overtime, Kevin decides to take the girls to their mother. And so off they set towards Underworld, where Sally and Blandford Brown are on their seventh mutual tonsillectomy. A rapping at the door causes much rushing and straightening of clothes as the hapless couple pretend that nothing has been happening. Blandford opens the factory doors and the gurls rush in to meet their mother. [Now, if she'd fed them on proper, nutritious food, maybe they would have been a bit more inquisitive. For example, "Mummy, why are you all flushed?" Or, "Mummy, why is the front of that man's trousers all pointy?" Kids ask those kind of questions, don't they? Not Surphie and Rursie.] And so off home they trot, this most un-nuclear like of nuclear families, to a sumptuous feast of white bread and spaghetti hoops. This will be followed, of course, by large doses of cheap orangeade, packed full of lovely E-numbers. Sally is a modern mum, after all, and knows just how much children love staying up until 2.a.m., jumping up and down on the sofa with a glazed expression.

Toyah, still on her quest for self-education, pays Ken 'Principles' Barlow a visit, apologises for her attitude earlier in the cafe, and asks him whether he'll give her some private tuition. Barlow, obviously ignorant of the first rule of good pedagogy which says that one should capitalise on enthusiasm while it's hot, turns her down. [Bastard!]

Toyah receives a further kick in the ribs when she sees Spider and the other campaigners going out, obviously without asking her to join them.

Curly, on the other hand, thinks that his birthday, Christmas and New Year have all come at once. Not only does Embalmed Spice have dinner with him, but she also comes back to his place for coffee. Unfortunately for him, however, 'coffee' is not the usual euphemism for 'riding the pink love bus into Fish Street': it's coffee, nothing more, nothing less. Straightforward, boring, Maxwell House coffee - and Lorraine's inevitable excuse - "I'd better go now because I've got an essay to write". (Come off it, Lorraine, no student I've ever come across writes *that* many essays.) But as she leaves, Curly gets the impression that all is not lost, for she tells him, as she hovers by the front door, that she likes him because he is 'passionate and demonstrative'. Curly is overwhelmed with this sudden apparent volte-face, and just to demonstrate how passionate and demonstrative he is, he plants a big wet kiss full on her lips.

The final shot is of Lorraine, scurrying up the Street and looking for all the world as though she is about to transmogrify into Regan from the Exorcist, and make handy with the projectile vomiting. Surely poor Curly doesn't taste that bad? (Lorraine should count her lucky stars that she's not in Sally's position, forced to kiss Blandford every episode. But then some girls clearly like a man whose tongue tastes of salami, so what the heck?)

Anyway, that's your lot for another week. See you again soon,

Love and hugs, CP

Friday 24 July

Hiya folks!!!! It's quite a few weeks since I did a prologue as part of the updates. I have been so far behind that the pressure has been to get the updates out, with a minimum of delay. What has amazed me, though, is the comments from readers who miss the prologues. It's a source of amazement to me, how people are prepared to read the verbose whitterings for what passes as my Update prologues.... Although I do try to write about things to which the world out there can relate, at the end of the day, it is probably self-indulgent therapy for me. The last few months have been difficult for me, health-wise, but I have learned a lot about life in my meetings with people on the newsgroup and the IRC channel, and these lessons have been of great value of me. So, I suppose now is a good time to reflect on this.

I first starting lurking in RATUCS around a year ago and only started posting actively early in new year. Shortly after, an update vacancy occurred.. I was toying with volunteering, but thought better of it, until I was approached to see if I was interested. Now it might have been desperation on their part, but I thought, what the hell!!! And thereby started an interesting journey. Within a few weeks, I received an e-mail from Jacqueline (on IRC) warmly welcoming me to the team and inviting me to have a look at the #coro_street channel on IRC. Within days, I was hooked and found a community with warmth, love and compassion.

Reading RATUCS, I noticed that they were having a Ping in London in May and didn't have the bottle to say to my wife that I fancied going. May 16th was a seminal day. Even though we went out for an enjoyable walk in the day, my thoughts were with the Pingers in London, people whose names I knew, but whom I had never met!!! In my mind, I wished I was in London. I remember the evening being a warm one and we had a barbecue outside. After midnight I got onto the IRC channel and a while later, Ian Harding popped on... he had come in from the Ping and told me that the Pingers had tried to phone me. Checking my business answerphone, I found that there were two messages from Roofy and Dewey, with the drunken gang in the background, giving a cheer to me, their absent friend, wishing I was there. I am not embarrassed to say that more than one tear fell. At that moment, I vowed never to put myself in a position of regretting missing something... at that stage, I decided I'd be going to Blackpool in October.. I hate the place, but it's not the place that matters, its the people!!!

Within days, I found myself planning the York Ping with Roofy, subsequently falling asleep on the train home (after the reccie we held) and starting a chain of painful domestic events.... Those of you who have got to know me over the last few months, probably see a middle aged guy, who has thrown himself into work and family over the last 20 years, at the expense of losing his personal identity. I have come to realise that balance in life is important.. after all if work represents a fair chunk of your life and if that work has irritating frustrations, then that's the way your life becomes... frustrating. So, over the months I have started re-finding and rebuilding Alan-the-me and been discovering some interesting things about myself. That process has meant that my family has been alienated to a degree as I elbowed out some space for myself, but that was largely just a result of a change from the comfy status quo and inadequate communication. Anyway, a lot of the pain is starting to produce the gains I have been seeking.... I have embarked on a journey to which there is no turning back and there is great excitement ahead.

So, it was a week ago that Trude and I found ourselves driving to Durham on our way for the following day's Ping at York. We were staying at Durham Castle, which is a University Hall of Residence during term time, but is let out, during the student holidays. Roofy, who lives in Durham, wanted to show us round her adopted home. After the challenge of actually getting into the City Centre (would you believe , no road signs for the Cathedral or Castle and coming across locals who didn't know where the Castle was), we drove in through the impressive gateway to the Castle into the Courtyard. What an amazing scene!!! If you want to be impressed, have a look at his place!! Truly amazing.

Shortly after, we'd cleaned up and made our way to the bar around 8:30 p.m., where we met Roofy and fellow pingers Chris (The_Rattler on IRC) and Annie (RAnnie on IRC) and had an introductory drink. After this, we made our way into the city centre, where we descended on an Italian restaurant. The next few hours were spent in convivial company, getting to know people I had chatted to for hours on IRC, but had never met before. It was also an opportunity for Trude to size up my friends and to catch up on relationships I'd developed over the past few months. Full with food, we made our way back to Roofy's place, where RAnnie set up her laptop and hooked into the Friday night quiz as the Durham Drunkards. An extremely enjoyable time was had by all, including Trude who fell asleep on the bed!!! The mini-ping photos taken by Annie with her digital camera, give you a feel for the atmosphere.

Events finished around 3ish and we hit the sack around 3:30 a.m. to wake up about 6:30!!! Youch!!! After breakfast in the Great Hall, we made our way to St. Chad's where Chris and Annie had their rooms, to pick up a taxi to take us to the railway station for the trip to York. At the station, it was great pleasure to meet Pat Mulvena (and briefly, her husband) and fellow Updater, Glenda Young. The train was somewhat late arriving but we eventually arrived at York, where we made our way to meet Roofy at Betty's Tea Rooms. Tea, coffee and cakes followed

Then a bit behind schedule, we made our way to the Ping Venue, the Royal Oak on Goodramgate, where we met fellow Updater, John Laird, who was waiting for us. Over the following hours, the following fellow pingers made an appearance, Janice Gaffney, Nancy Piller (from USA), Dewey, CP Turner (seepi) plus friends Philip and Mark(?), Ian and Karen Grey with behbeh David (youngest pinger award here?).

The day consisted of mucho boozo, some really nice food, lotsa laughs and some great company. We had a Corrie Trivia Quiz, questions supplied by Anita (Nell on IRC) and the impressive winners were Janice and Annie, who won some Corrie bits and bobs. Dewey had this competition which involved throwing a pound coin onto table and then guessing the heads/tails outcome for two coins thrown by him with Masonic codes like putting a hand either on your bum or your head - seconds later, Nancy was a few pounds richer. As it was burfday time for Roofy and me, each of us got a card and I got a lovely little Tinky Winky from Annie - thanks luv, you are an absolute delight and a real gem!!! Piccies were taken by many as testimony to a brilliant afternoon.

Trude and I shot off around 7 to get the train back to York. Having made our way back to base, it was a quick shower, then out again to meet the pingers staying on in Durham. Unfortunately, we were unable to make it in the Chinese, but found a brilliant Indian Restaurant, where good food and entertainment were provided by the maitre d', who took a shine to RAnnie.

Back to the billet, a slightly longer kip, then breakfast and then it was time to meet Chris and Annie. A stroll around the town centre was followed by a coffee in a local café...note to the business traders of Durham, how come things are shut on Sunday mornings? After that a walk down to the river, where we were caught up by a breathless Roofy, who guided us around the scenic sights of the city, onto a café for some grub, then almost tearful farewells to Chris and Annie. A quick pop back with Roofy to get on IRC for a short session and that was the official session over. Trude and I subsequently went for a walk by the river and in the evening, polished off proceeding with a superb Chinese meal.

So, an extremely enjoyable and memorable weekend.. one of the best I've had in years... its simply not fair to single out individuals, suffice it to say, each and every one of you contributed to a brilliant weekend. A week down the line and I am still trading off the buzz.... Thanks all for coming along and sharing it....

Next stop, Blackpool, which will be great fun and, of course, we will meet our friends from Canada, Perfidia, Uncle Betty, Greggy and RBaz. I am so looking forward to this.. time simply cannot go fast enough......

On the topic of friends from Canada, can I mention a few more nice people I've got to know over recent months, so today, let's give a hand to Nanxy and Elle!!!! One of the great joys of IRC has been making new friendships, finding out about them and their interests. Those of you who know Nanxy will know she is into blood in a big way.... nope we are not talking about any Transylvanian tendencies, blood is her work.... Whereas, RElle is the Twin Peaks Queen of #coro_street and lifelong devotee of RGareh (I haven't got round to hiring the Twin Peaks videos, Elle, but this is on my list, honest!!)... very different ladies but both with an absolutely brilliant sense of humour. It's a joy to know you both and share the laughs... you deserve your 15 minutes of fame.....

It's the sort of welcome I've had in the last few months from the people mentioned in this update, that has made my life infinitely happier.. it's a real joy to come downstairs after a session on the channel, grinning from ear to ear. It's not all laughs, as we talk about some of the pretty serious things in life that affect us all, but we are there for each other to share, to love, to laugh, to cry....

Thanks for making me part of your family......

The episode commences in the Kabin. Alec is doing his best to help, but he's only succeeding in getting on Leanne's nerves. In the middle of a squabble, Rita makes an appearance - she senses the tension between Alec and Leanne and gets Leanne to take her coffee break. She tells Alec that she is grateful for the help, but tells him that he cannot continue this way, he'll kill himself. Alec tries to play down his efforts by saying that it will probably not be for much longer, but Rita asks what if it does go on. She says she needs to get someone else in, she cannot keep taking advantage of their friendship. Alec takes the opportunity to discuss their friendship, he had hoped they could be more than just old friends. Rita looks uncomfortable with the suggestion....

Toyah is knocking on Ken's front door - she asks him what he is doing today... Ken makes a sarcastic comment that this is now obviously her concern, but Toyah tries to point out that if he hasn't got anything planned, then he could be teaching her and earning some money. Ken asks why she is not at school, but she replies that it is the last day and they never do anything in the last week at school. Ken goes into preacher mode and tells her that she will not get anywhere with that attitude. Toyah says the teachers at the school are "crap" and Ken reminds her that he was once at the school, so why is she coming to him. Ken doesn't take her request seriously and slams the door in her face.

Round the corner turns Spider's campaign car, with Spider on megaphone and Curly at the wheel, encouraging people to support the "Local man with the Global view." From the opposing direction, we see Audrey's campaign car also entering Coronation Street. The two cars meet in the middle of the street, blocked in, neither wishing to move. Insults are traded by the opposing camps courtesy of their public address systems, with Spider and Fred making use of the available decibels... hen Spider mentions that he went to prison for his beliefs, Fred spots an opportunity to grasp victory... in the meantime, a car has pulled up behind Fred and Audrey, blocking them in. "In defeat defiance, in victory magnanimity" is Fred's cry as he politely persuades Spider to move his car aside to allow them through...

Alec is continuing to bare his soul to Rita - he is telling her how seeing her lying on the floor, close to death's door had made him realise how much she meant to him. Rita is embarrassed and tells him that this sort of talk can ruin a good friendship. He tells her that if she had died, there would have been a big gap in his life, but Rita interprets his reaction as being faced with his own mortality and vows to pretend that the conversation never took place. Leanne comes back, just in the nick of time for Rita and much to Alec's exasperation.

Back at the Rovers, Spider is still seething at his encounter with Fred and Audrey, "to think that councils up and down the country are run by the likes of them two". He is dismayed at the fact that people actually vote in these candidates. Curly tells him that the opposition are just trying to wind him up. "Sounds like he's desperate, if you ask me" offers Lorraine and Curly to spot a potential brownie point congratulates her on a good point. He then says that this will make victory all the sweeter, but Spider is not so confident. When he moves away, Lorraine comments that Spider is in a state, but Curly explains this away as Election Day nerves. He then asks her whether he did anything the previous night which might be embarrassing. Lorraine is able to reassure him.

Alec returns to the pub, but he has no time for Rovers business and brushes off Betty's comments about whether he is sure he can spare them the time. Lorraine asks whether Alec is always this kind, but betty replies that Alec is not noted for his generosity..... "So what's Rita got that no-one else has?" asks Lorraine. "Ooh, I don't know....but if it has him sniffing around you like that, then you can keep it!" she retorts.

Fred has come into the pub and asks for a "scotch and threat". When asked by Betty, who is winning, Fred replies that they are "quietly confident." He asks Betty how she voted but she reminds him that it was a secret ballot where she voted. We then hear Fred calling the Town Hall and asking to be put through to the Returning Officer.

At Fiona's salon, Maxine has successfully negotiated an advance on her wages to enable her to pay for the proposed weekend of passion with Greg at a local luxury hotel. Fiona tells Maxine that she is sending out the wrong signals to Greg, but Maxine is blinded by love - "this is the real thing." Fiona tries to warn her not to raise her hopes, but when Maxine asks whether there is something she should know, Fiona chickens out.

At the Town Hall, Fred is telling the Returning Officer that Spider has been in prison. The official confirms, much to Fred's delight, that if this is the case, then Spider should not be standing and there is no way he can be elected.

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End of part 1

Part 2
Sally meets up with Greg and tells him that she has been thinking about what he was saying earlier, but before she has a chance to go into any detail, Mike comes on the scene and drags Greg away to talk business.

Fred is telling Audrey about his meeting with the Returning Officer. He tells her that if Spider wins, he will be disqualified because of his prison sentence. He tries to reassure her that the election is in the bag.

Back at Rita's flat, Alec is telling her that the Rovers is busy and mentions Ken Barlow in passing. Rita suddenly has an idea.... why not ask Ken to help in the shop? Alec agrees this is a good idea. He tries to bring the subject round to the McDonalds and his anger at them possibly getting away scot-free is very evident. She tries to get over to him the fact that every time he brings up the subject of the gas fire, he puts himself further out of the frame as regards their relationship.

Back at the Café, Roy brings food to the troops to bolster Spider's "war effort". When Roy asks Toyah, whether her mum and dad have voted, Toyah tells him that her father will not vote, he won't put his name on the Electoral Register, he doesn't want folk to know where he lives, in case he gets in bother.

Toyah asks Ken what he is reading. When he tells her it is about the Titanic, she think it relates to the film. Ken makes a patronising comment which upsets her. She expresses her frustration that no-one will take her seriously. When Ken tells her she needs to make an effort at school, she replies that she cannot. Everyone is mucking around and anyone who wants to work is mocked and loses all their mates. Now that Ken isn't going to take her, she will never learn anything. Ken is touched by her obvious sincerity and asks her whether she knows how much private tuition costs... around £15 to £20 an hour he tells her, up to £30 sometimes. She is disappointed and tells him that she cannot afford those prices, a fiver is what she had in mind. Ken relents and agrees to give it a try. But first of all, he wants to know she is really serious - she swears to him that she is. Toyah asks whether they can keep the arrangement to themselves, she doesn't want her friends or family finding out. Ken agrees to keep things secret.

At the Café, Fred and Audrey have come in and see Spider and Curly. More banter is swapped as Fred tells Spider he likes to give a loser a fair chance.

Greg catches up with Sally in the street. Sally tells him that she can't leave Kevin, not because she doesn't want to, it's the girls. While she is talking, Greg takes out a pad and starts writing on it - this is for Maxine's benefit to make her think that they were talking business. He tells Sally not to worry about it, there is no rush... in the meantime, they can go on seeing each other.. if that's what she wants. Which it is! Everyone thinks he's seeing Maxine, he continues, so she can act as their cover, but should Sally need to talk to him over the weekend, she now has his mobile number. He then goes back to his car, shouting a pretend comment related to work back to Sally, gets in and kisses Maxine, just to give the affair some cover, you understand.

At Rita's flat, Alec has nodded off. Rita wakes him and tells him it's time to go home. She then tells him about this great idea she's had... she can ask Ken to help in the shop. Alec is puzzled, because he had this conversation earlier on.... His puzzlement shows on his face. When challenged by Rita, he tells her they have already discussed the matter, but she thinks HIS brain is playing tricks, he has been over-working.

At the Town hall we are waiting for the Election Results. Alf joins Audrey and a very confident Fred... enter Spider and gang, and cue for Fred to tells Spider's team that Spider has done time, so he's disqualified from holding office.... It's all on the Nomination form. Spider is horrified... he never saw that. Fred tells him it was in the small print on the back and prepares to celebrate, prematurely, Audrey's appointment as Councillor. Alf leaps in to tell Fred that he has missed some small print himself, if Spider gets disqualified, it doesn't mean the runner-up automatically wins.... In fact, you have to have another election. Fred is gob-smacked and asks Alf whether he is sure, to which Alf replies that he has been a councillor half his life - Fred should not have been resting on his laurels, he should have been out canvassing for votes. Spider's team say they have been doing just that and have been gratified by the response. Fred checks the legal position with the Returning Officer who confirms a prison sentence of 3 months or more, within the last 5 years, disqualifies the individual from holding office. At this point, Spider chips in that he only had a sentence of 14 days, for non-payment of a fine after a demo, as a point of principle. When Toyah challenges him, saying that he told her it was for six months, Spider admits he exaggerates sometimes!!! The Council official confirms that Spider is still eligible, much to the delight of Spider's team and the consternation of Audrey's.

At the Rovers, Steve is on the phone to someone regarding a building contract. He appears to be arguing about the quality of the material to be used. Alec overhears the conversation and accuses Steve of cutting corners again, "so which lucky widow's gonna have a roof fall on her head in a year's time." Steve loses his temper and replies to Alec, "you've been shafting people all your life." The argument escalates as Alec tells him he knew about Steve's grubby little game the moment he got his hands on Vicky. This is the final straw for Steve, who tells Alec that his precious little grand-daughter was actually ashamed of Alec!!!! MIAEOW!! The argument ends with Steve warning Alec to stay off his back.

We are now about to hear the Election Results declared.... Among them, Nugent, Geoffrey David, 842 votes.... Roberts, Audrey, 849 votes!!!! The said Audrey Roberts is declared the winner and councillor..... Spider has had enough of this and goes to the microphone.. he cannot believe the result and launches into a tirade against Audrey, telling Fred that he will be watching every move they make. Fred dismisses the outburst saying that Spider will be "bones on the seabed" by the time re-election comes up in 4 years' time. Audrey is basking in glory, delighted at her win.....

Back at the Rovers, Alec is making a telephone call... it is a message he is leaving for the Health and Safety Executive... he is calling on behalf of Mrs Rita Sullivan and tells them that she has remembered who fitted the fire.. it was the firm of McDonald and Webster...... as he puts down the phone.....

.....it is the cue for music and credits

... episode written by Martin Allen

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? Not a particularly brilliant episode for dialogue.... The Sally/Greg saga continues to bore. The comedy/pantomime provided by Fred and Audrey... the best acting coming from Toyah (in her scenes with Ken, where she is trying to better herself) and from Rita and Alec, tackling extremely well the sensitive issue of a long-standing friendship potentially moving a step forward and the awkwardness involved... the hurt of someone declaring their love, not being taken seriously....

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan

Sunday 26 July

Writer's block this week. All the way through to Friday afternoon and these couple of pages of outline notes have been sat on my desk next to my work- station whispering "Write Me !". And lo, no inspiration was forthcoming.

Hopefully there will be a little more news next week, after the York Ping. (Which is tomorrow in fact, as I write this.) Passport ready and everything. Train timetable in hand. Mrs L warming up the rolling pin for when I return two hours later than promised. What an adventure.

We kick off this week's update on a more downbeat note...

Act 1
Spider is sat alone in the cafe, contemplating his election defeat the night before. Auntie Em arrives, glad to see him, wondering where he had got to. He'd got up early, not having had much sleep, and gone for a walk and ended up in the cafe. He's very disappointed at losing to Audrey, realising that although he doesn't really believe in the democratic process, he might have been a catalyst for change within the council had he won. He thanks Toyah for her hard work, feeling he has let his team down too.

Alec has come round to see Rita, and she is not entirely pleased with his constant attention, preferring to start getting things done for herself. She surprises him by telling him that she is going to put in a few hours in the Kabin. "Who else is going to look after the place ?" she wonders. Alec tells her that she had herself suggested Ken could take over on a temporary basis. Rita can't remember this at all. She asks Alec to ask Ken if he will help. Alec suggests she get more rest.

The breezy figure of Fred Elliott sails into the salon, and greets Audrey effusively. "But why are you working ?", he asks her. "That's what I do, work here", she replies. Fred puts his size 12s right in it by advising Fiona that she will have to get used to Audrey needing time off to attend council meetings, now that she is the local councillor. Audrey shoos Fred out of the salon as Fiona looks concerned. "Just ignore him", says Audreh.

Rita has appeared outside the Kabin after all, and Jim Macdonald wheels himself over to ask how she is. He asks her for "a wee word" about the business with the gas fire, and whether she is going to get the authorities involved. Jim is prepared to take the blame, if it turns out to be his fault, but Rita tells him she's not taking the matter any further.

Fred heads for the Rovers, where he finds Alec behind the bar. He asks for his favourite "Scotch and a threat", and Alec presents him with a double, on the house. They look forward to having their very own councillor in their pocket. Fred looks forward to a little more than just the effect on his business, it sounds as if his libido is limbering up too. [Eurgh !] He asks Alec to lay on a few drinks and sandwiches by way of a small victory party later that day. Just then, the newly elected Councillor Roberts appears and tears a strip off Fred for creating a scene in the salon earlier.

Alec spots Ken in the bar and asks him if he will help looking after the Kabin. Ken agrees, and wryly observes that Alec now has "his woman in".

Rita is dozing on the settee, when her door buzzer goes. She looks very tired once more. Her visitor is another Health and Safety official, come about a phone call, tipping them off that the gas fire was installed by a company by the name of Macdonald and Webster...

Intermission
As ever, not an awful lot to write home about this week, although my eye was caught by a Pernod commercial. Not least because it featured a rather attractive young lady with very sexy eyes. This is one of those signs of maturity in my view, where you spot someone who you perceive as attractive and furthermore you can actually tell why that is. It's a fair step up from the bums and boobs and blonde hair of my yoof anyway ! Nice to see the old receptors still working. [I had another birthday recently, as if it wasn't obvious, I'm at that age where I can never exactly remember how old I am, when asked, but usually guess it within a year or so, and have to do the calculations to narrow it down.] There was something else too, oh yes. Although much of my student years is a bit of a blur, there are some memories that can be retrieved with particular triggers. In this case, Pernod always reminds me of the Mathsoc trip to the Bridgwater Carnival. [Erm, Pernod is a French drink which comes under the general banner of "pastis", and is flavoured with aniseed. If you've ever been anywhere in the Mediterranean, aniseed is used to flavour the local gut-rot.] I think what happened was that we ended in a bar which was having Happy Hour all night, and after umpteen beers someone put a glass of Pernod and lemonade in my hand, and it was a bit easier to drink than yet more beer, so I probably had a few pints of that instead. It's all pretty much guesswork from there as the rest of the night is a complete blank. I vaguely recall getting off the coach, so obviously consciousness was retained, but as for the Carnival, well I never did find out what it was all about. Maybe another day...

I have promised myself that I will be much better behaved than that, at the Ping.

Act 2
Rita is still with the Health and Safety officer. She asks who called them, but the officer tells her that the call was anonymous. Who should arrive at this moment, but Alec. Rita learns that the caller was a man, and looks accusingly at Alec. She is asked if she can remember whether it was Jim's firm that was involved, but is evasive. Alec asks her why she just doesn't tell the truth. This riles her, and she explains how she has no intention of taking the matter any further as it would do no-one any good. Bill is away in Germany, and Jim is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Spider arrives in the Rovers, and Lorraine asks him where he has been. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was about the election result. On cue, Curly walks in and drags Spider off for a quiet word. "Oh, don't worry about the council business", says Spider. But it's not that, Curly is still mooning about in the pursuit of the fair barmaid. [Yawn, zzzzzz.]

Rita shows the Health and Safety man out. They probably won't be proceeding formally, but will need to have a word with Jim. She asks him to go easy on Jim, as he's been through enough, in her view. Returning, she lays into Alec for interfering, and brushes aside his protests that he was only looking after her interests, by telling him she's certain his real motive was to get back at Steve Macdonald. She tells him to go.

Toyah sneaks into Ken's house through the back door. It's her first lesson. Ken tells her he wants to establish some ground rules - that if her sets her work, it must be done properly, on time, and it must be legible. He explains she needs to gain some self esteem before she can really start to improve herself. He asks her if she ever found school interesting. "The teachers used to pick on me", Toyah replies. When asked if she had given them cause to do so, she nods. "What if you didn't understand something, did you ask ?". "They'd only think I was thick". Ken lays down his final condition, that if she doesn't understand *anything*, she has to ask him to explain. She goes off home to fetch her school books, ready to start.

Over at Kevin and Sally's house, the cuckolded husband is brimming with misplaced confidence about the future. He reckons that if his garage and car dealership are a success, he'll need a full time receptionist. "You'd be perfect", he suggests to Sally. "It sounds like a recipe for disaster" is her reply. [I couldn't work with my wife either !!]

Hayley buttonholes Mike Baldwin in the Rovers, and asks him if there are any vacancies in his factory. He is as rude and curt as only Mike can be, and dismisses the idea out of hand. Hayley leaves, deflated.

Quickly back to the Websters' house. [I'm hopeless at numbers, and who lives next door to who else.] Sally is preparing another culinary delight, this time it's microwaved shepherds pie. Kevin tells her that if they had their own business, they wouldn't have to fit in with other people's timetables and they could eat when *they* wanted to. Sally tells him why she thinks it's a really bad idea, if they were together every day they'd never talk of anything other than the business. [And besides, where would lover boy fit in ?] Anyway, she likes her job at Mike's factory. "What's so special about working over there ?", asks Kevin. Obvious cue for the phone to ring at this point, but the caller hangs up when Kevin answers. [Come on, Kevin, you ought to be able to work this one for yourself...]

Audrey's celebration is in full flow at the Rovers. Fred congratulates Alf, but Alf tells him that he shouldn't be in any doubt about why Audrey has stood for council, she's doing it for herself, not anyone else. "I'll tell you something else and all", he adds, "I didn't vote for her !". [What a fabulous touch.] Spider arrives and gallantly offers his congratulations and accepts a drink. Fred proposes a toast to Audrey. Spider vows that he will continue to fight the "war".

Hayley tells Roy how Mike didn't give her a chance to prove herself. Roy tells her he will help.

Spider tells Lorraine that he is getting his life back together again. "As long as it doesn't involve Curly", she replies. "Oh, you don't fancy him then ?", he asks. "No, I *don't !". Pause. "I fancy you..."

Roy approaches Mike, and informs him he has an unfortunate way about him, and can be very patronising. In return, Mike asks him if he wants a fight ! Roy sticks at it, despite Mike's attempt to keep bringing the conversation to an abrupt end, and finally persuades Mike to accept a wager. £100 of his, against a job for Hayley, if she proves herself more capable as a seamstress than anyone else in the factory. Mike accepts, and tells her to turn up the following afternoon for a trial. Alma asks him what he's done.

Our final visit to Kevin and Sally. She still doesn't want to be with him all the time each and every day. The phone rings again, and Sally answers it this time. We can faintly hear Greg's voice on the line. "Who is it ?" demands Kevin. "Nobody", says Sally. Kevin grabs the receiver and demands to know who's on the other end. Greg hangs up again, and Kevin dials 1471 to find the caller's number. Sally looks guilty as she realises what Kevin is doing, but he puts the phone down, none the wiser. The caller withheld their number.

This episode was written by Ken Blakeson.

Well, I've just re-read all that and spell-checked it. It seems a bit drier than usual, n'est-ce pas ? A quick read through my notes gives the same impression. I'm left to conclude it was the programme itself - nothing really jumped up and grabbed me this week. A lack of sparkle. We need Ashley back, to brighten up the screen.

It looks like Curly's hopeless infatuation is about to finally expire. Praise the Lord. However, as Jim continues to improve after his accident, there are worrying signs that Rita is going in the other direction after hers. We wonder how much longer Greg and Sally can keep their affair a secret, although with the likes of Kevin and Maxine around, one might suspect the answer is: forever. I suspect that someone like Janice is going to rumble them first. But it's never going to arouse the same amount of interest that we used to get watching the likes of Ken and Deirdre and Mike. No sirree Bob.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2

More next week, and then I'm taking a wee break.

John Laird

Monday 27 July

Just for a change, not, we open chez Webster, where it is post-breakfast. Kevin comes in to the living room to find Sally dancing with the gurrrllls. If I were young and hip enough, I might recognise what they're dancing to - I'll have to leave that to Mike Plowman. They're obviously playing 'Musical Bathrooms' as well, because as soon as the music finishes, the gurrrllllls are sent upstairs.

All that excitement!! Surphie, or it might have been Rursie, is so excited that she asks if they can have another disco after tea.

Kevin has decided that he'll bring a printout of the accounts home tonight so that Sally can start to learn how to do the books and the VAT. Sally reiterates for the nth time - she does not want to work at the garage, she likes the job she's got, at the factory, with her mates.

In the Kabin, Leanne is angling for short term Summer Holiday employment for 'My Nick'. Rita isn't buying this, and in any case she's got a new assistant lined up - 'he should be here soon'. Leanne is worried when Alec walks in. He tries to explain that he reported the McDonalds to the Health and Safety people in the interest of the public, even though it was against Rita's wishes. Rita insists that it was for her to decide, and that she can see that Alec only did it to get back at Steve McDonald - again. She sends him away, suggesting that she's marked his card, she knows what he's doing.

Ken breezes in, apologising for being late. Leanne's look is priceless when he says 'well, Leanne, your turn to teach me a few things now'.

And here's Janice, trying to leave for work, but can't find her handbag. She soon finds that RToyah is nearly sitting on it - and, shock, horror, is Reading a Book, a concept that is anathema to a Battersby. And in the school holidays too. RToyah explains that she's fed up of people thinking she's thick, she's going to get an education. Janice tries to convince Toyah that she supports her - she could go off to College, train for a proper career - In an Office! She could be an executive, with a handbag with a gold chain. RToyah doesn't want to work in an office, because that wouldn't be Green enough for her. Janice is lost, and goes to work.

Disco over, and hands washed, Sally crosses the Street to work, meeting Maxime as she leaves the Kabin. She asks about Maxime's dirty weekend with Greg, to hear that it was brilliant, the hotel was gorgeous, and Greg was, well, Greg really. Sally is a little put out, but carries on to work.

Curly and Spider are trying to remove Election stickers from the window of Curly's car. Lorraine happens by, Curly tries to make conversation, but there's no flicker of the romantic flame he seeks. As she leaves, Curly comments 'What am I gonna do?', meaning about Lorraine, but Spider misunderstands and suggests White Spirit!

Only one scene since Sally went to work, and already it's lunchtime and the knicker posse are off to the Rover's for lunch. On the way out they meet Hayley, who asks if MB is in because she's got an interview with him. The factory girls, Janice in particular, comment that she shouldn't be hired because their daughters have already been turned down for jobs.

Sally dawdles a bit as she spots Greg striding toward the factory, but he doesn't stop to talk, merely gives her a brief glance. She goes off with the girls.

Inside Underworld, Greg tells Mike that he had a good morning - he's selling knickers faster than they can make them. This can only be good news for Hayley. - Mike promises Greg that he can deliver, and Hayley that if she's got the skills, he's certainly got the work. He gives her half an hour to prove herself as a highly talented sewing machinist. Hayley is delighted

In the Rover's, the knicker posse are still mithering. In a perhaps unprecedented scene, all the girls get lines. Janice imparts the news that she's heard from Les that MB is going to take Greg on permanently. Sally is the only one who is interested in this prospect. Janice thinks he'll become impossible, bossing them about, finding fault and so on. Sally doesn't agree with this expected behaviour, and Janice sneeringly asks how she seems to be 'in the know'? Sally says she's just assuming.

Betty wants to know why Alec is so miserable, with such a long face. How much money has he lost? Nothing else could have that effect. He tells her about his misunderstanding with Rita, and how someone should be held responsible.

Nick is looking in the Weatherfield Gazette for summer employment. He has an idea when he sees Kevin opening the garage doors. Kevin hears him out, and agrees that he is snowed under with work. Nick is talking about how being a mechanic should be 'in his genes', and the strange thing is that in this scene he bears more than a passing resemblance to the late RBrian. Kevin offers him a job, starting immediately.

He goes off to share the good news with Leanne, but she gets in first with her grumbles that Rita wouldn't employ him, and to cap it all, she's taken on her old teacher, Boring Barlow (Leanne's words, not mine!). It's just not fair! Nick employs acting emotion number 2 to tell her that it doesn't matter, he's working at the garage. 'Nice one' says a much happier Leanne.

Stadtler & Waldorf are trying to plan a night out, because Steve wants to stay in to watch football. Muppet 2 says she's broke after her weekend with Greg (remember she booked it, thinking he'd pay?), so Mup1 offers to buy the drinks if they have a girlie night out. All bets are off when Greg walks in - Fiona can tell that Mup2 would rather be with him tonight, and now.

Sally seizes her opportunity to speak to Greg at the bar, demanding to know why he is shutting her out. He says he's being careful. Sally offers to work late, but Greg suggests that she meet him in the bar of The Regent Hotel at 7pm instead. He takes the drinks to Maxime, leaving a troubled Sally.
END OF PART ONE

Well, Our Hayley has been busy. Mike cannot believe how much work she has got through - she had finished the work he expected her to struggle with in the half hour, and found some more to fill in the time with. She has done more than the knicker posse would do in double the time. Recalling his bet with Roy, he comments that 'I might have known that Roy Cropper wouldn't bet on a non-starter. Can you start tomorrow?' Hayley, and nineteen million viewers are delighted.

Nosey Betty Williams just happens to call on Rita to see how she is. and suggests how lucky it was that Alec was there for her. Rita sees through this, and can see that he's been talking. She thinks he's very selfish, and says that 'if I'd thought there were another side to him with genuine human feelings, I'd know my brain was addled.' Betty tells her that this falling-out has affected Alec deeply, indeed she's even seen him undercharge for a round of drinks.

The Maud Grimes is trying to order 'a tea and a fancy' in the cafe, but RToyah has her nose in a book. Maud teases that the book must be a trashy teen novel, but RToyah proudly tells her that it's a John Steinbeck, a GCSE set novel.

Hayley comes in to the cafe to tell Roy about getting the job, which delights Roy as it will mean they can see each other every day. Even better, she's decided that she ought to move closer, and has been to the Estate Agent's, seeking local particulars. Roy suggests the new flats in Victoria Street (not those being converted by Steve, surely? Yes, they will be) and that they could go round and look at one. You wonder if Hayley is thinking that Roy is suggesting that 'we' could look rather than 'she'.

RToyah serves Maud's fancy with a throwaway 'there you go'. Maud seizes on this development in the English language, commenting that she is the second shop assistant to use the phrase today, and 'what is wrong with 'there you are' when I'm not going anywhere, I'm stopping here?'. Toyah decides it's time she went home, and goes round to the Kabin.

In the Kabin, Ken tells Toyah that he's just finishing, but he's just going to nip over to the corner shop. Leanne can't understand why he's telling Toyah that, but thinks that it must be because he can't stop being a teacher, can't stop being boring. Toyah says being boring is better than being ignorant like Leanne. Ken comes back in with his teabags and a carton of orange juice, Leanne asks if he's been paying Toyah to start up his fanclub! Ken is confused, and hurries out after Leanne.

Kevin is telling Sally all about employing Nick, but she is more interested in going out to see Rita - well, it must be nearly 7pm. Kevin asks her not to be too long, because he wanted to open a bottle of wine with her. Sally angrily tells him that Rita has not long come back from death's door, so he's being selfish. And leaves him to get the gurrrrrllls' tea.

Ken is very impressed that RToyah has nearly finished reading Of Mice And Men and is very pleased that she is committed to improving. He tentatively suggests that they 'firm up their arrangements', which Toyah takes to mean money. He is very surprised that she still doesn't want Les and Janice to know about these extra curricular activities. They talk about the book, and Ken suddenly realises the chasm between Toyah's abilities and dreams when it appears that she has totally misunderstood, believing that 'bucks' refers to rabbits rather than dollars, and a cat-house is a feline domestic residence.

Oh look, Sally really has gone to see Rita. Rita is telling her how she feels sorry for Alec, but feeling sorry won't change him from being selfish. She is very pleased that Sally has come round, but tells her to get back to Kevin and the gurrlls and do the dutiful wife and family things.

As she leaves, Sally enjoys another private smile. She's free to see Greg, now.

Mike Baldwin is in the Rover's, telling his lovely wife Lama the mis-spelling how he surprised himself today by employing Hayley Patterson. Lama is astounded, she cannot believe that Hayley can even sew, let alone 'like an angel', as Mike describes.

Spider arrives, Lorraine hurries to serve him. She tells him that she made a mistake in telling him how she felt about him. He tells her that he likes her, she's really cool, but nothing could happen between them, even if they wanted it to. He doesn't explain why, but he doesn't need to because Curly walks in. Spider is trying not to get in the way of Curly's attention towards Lorraine.

It must now be 7pm, because Sally is descending the staircase at The Regent Hotel, and soon finds Greg in the corner, reading the evening paper. She asks 'Are you waiting for someone?' and then proceeds to suck his face off his head. Yeuuurrrggggh. Afterwards, Greg pours the red wine, and Sally starts to tell him about Maxime's version of the weekend. Greg tells her that there is nothing in it, but he can't just dump her, he has to let her down gently. Sally says he's just using her, but Greg doesn't want to talk about Maxime any more - all that he wants to talk about now is Sally and himself. He indicates the key to room 16 , and asks Sally if she's brave enough to risk it? Sally smiles, and dares, picking up the keys and leaving.

Hayley is helping Roy out at the cafe, grating cheese. He thinks she should keep herself to herself over at the factory. He warns her about the knicker posse as being a bit rumbustious, 'in fact if some of 'em were lads they'd be in an institution'. Hayley looks a bit stern, but reminds him that she can look after herself, indeed, she knows more about being one of the girls than he does. Roy begins to think he's overstepped an unstated mark.

Kevin is poring over the VAT books when Rursie, or is it Surphie, comes down looking for Mummy. She's got toothache, and she only wants Mummy. Daddy's comfort just won't do. Kevin tells her that Mummy is still over at Auntie Rita's, and will be home very soon. A little voice pleads for Mummy, so Kevin decides to ring her at Auntie Rita's to ask her to come home soon. He's just about to dial the number when Sally comes through the door. Kevin is annoyed at the late hour, and tells her that he was just phoning Rita's when she came in. Sally, wondering if she needs an even bigger cover story, is relieved to hear that he hung up before connecting.

And Surphie, or was it Rursie, never got another disco after tea. Shame on you Sally, neglecting the gurrrrllllls.

And that's yer lot, start & finish chez Webster.

Episode written by Maureen Chadwick.

Dewey

Wednesday 29 July

Dear Update Readers,

Having tired momentarily of prose, I thought I'd take a leaf from dear Glenda's book and do this Wednesday's update in verse. Note the fact that I didn't say 'poetry'. I am as aware of the Trades Descriptions Act as the next man. Just call it lighthearted doggerel. Don't worry: it's ultra clean and respectable. There are no expletives in it and you won't find a blowjob for love or money. So here goes:

The opening shot?
A big lunch-box
(Oh dear, are we in for shocks?)
No, it's one Roy's packed a-plenty,
Knowing that Hayley's is empty.

And so, with knickers all unfurled,
Hayley starts at Underworld.
But woe is she, for all the staff
Complain because they think she's naff.

She sews and stitches like a dream,
She puts the rest to shame.
And so to her they're awfully mean:
They moan and curse her name.

"She must be Baldwin's spy", they say:
"Someone from Time and Motion!
"She'll stitch us up, she'll make us pay!
"She'll cause a big commotion!"

"Surely she can't be for real;
"She's far too nimble, far too quick.
"I bet her hands have never slipped;
"I bet she's never felt a prick."

Though Hayley may be cabbage looking,
She's really not that green;
Deep down she knows what's really cooking,
And why they are so mean.

So armed with sweeties, her endeavour
Is to win them over;
Her ploy is really rather clever,
And soon she's deep in clover.

She does her own work, then does theirs;
She says it is no bother.
By lunch time they're all best of friends
And laughing in the Rovers.

But Roy does not trust Baldwin's girls
And so he starts to moan.
But Hayley says, "Despite the op,
"I *can* still hold my own."

* * *

Kevin needs a right-hand man
To help him in the garage,
To mend cars and, when that is done,
Mess with his undercarriage.

And so he takes on Whoopsie Boy,
Who's overjoyed, it seems.
"I'm great at mending cars", he lisps,
"It must be in the genes."

(The only thing in Tilly's genes
Is endless loads of schlock,
An inane grin, no acting skill:
A chip off the old block).

He bares his six-pack to the girls
And doesn't think it sinful
(But stops short of dropping his keks
To flash his tiny ring-pull).

Kevin's enthusiasm knows no bounds
But Sally thinks he has no grounds:
Whatever happy tune he's humming,
It's not with him that she'll be coming.

She tells Kev she's off to buy wine
Then rushes off to Peter Pine.
"I've only got a minute, so
Let's hit the sack, all systems go."

But just as Sally goes all runny,
Blandford starts to talk of money:
"I hope you haven't spent your dosh,"
He says as Sal begins to slosh.

"Don't worry, Greg, I'm not that mad,
"There's 25K to be had."
Then with a kiss our Sal departs
And leaves that ravager of hearts...

...Alone with plans and scams and schemes
And lots of filthy lucre dreams.
He then, with several hours to kill,
Rings Maxime for a quick cheap thrill.

That talentless dim-witted muppet
Doesn't know she's just his puppet
And that, deep down, his only goal
Is money, via Sally's hole.

The guy's evil personified;
To every girl he's met he's lied:
When their defences they let down,
He jumps right in, all clad in brown.

* * *

Vera's mad and venting spleen,
She want to know where Alec's been.
She's so afraid - and here's the rub -
That Rita's sights are on the pub.

But Alec's shown his heart to Rita
(The one almost gassed by a heater):
"I love you, Rita, can we wed?"
"Alec," she says, "you're off your head!"

"You're old, you're bald, you're sad, you're fat;
"In fact you're just a stupid prat;
"Your dangly bits are worn and rusted;
"Worst of all, you can't be trusted...

"I don't believe a word you say,
"I just wish you would go away."
These aren't the things he wants to hear
And so he leaves...and wipes a tear.

* * *

Lorraine comes tripping down the Street
To snap and snarl at Spider.
She wants to know why he has cold feet
(She want some Pork in Cider).

"If you like Curly more than me,"
She says, "I hope you're happy."
But Spider tells Embalmed Spice that
He's not that sort of chappy.

"My moral code is such," says he,
"That I don't do the dirty
"On mates who fancy mutual friends,
"However brash and flirty."

In hushed tones Spider then admits
That Lorraine he does fancy:
"I'll soon have my hands on your tits
"And prove that I'm no nancy."

"But first I must inform my mate;
"That's etiquette, I think.
"Even though this news he'll hate:
"He'll probably turn to drink!"

That night, Lorraine says Spider's sinned
By keeping her just dangling.
She then throws caution to the wind:
For Spider's tongue she's angling.

Her lips meet his, their tongues collide,
A puddle floods the floor.
And something slowly opens wide:
(You're wrong: it's just the door!)

Who's standing there, his mind a fog?
Oh dear, it's poor old Curly!
He looks bewildered as they snog:
His best mate with his girlie.

The programe ends, the music swells,
The credits start to roll:
Another thirty minutes of
Pure pleasure for the soul.

It wasn't boring in the least
(Naturally - no Barlow!)
For afters, I've another feast:
An hour or two of Carlo!

So farewell Update Readers dear,
You all next week I'll greet.
We're off now, Him Indoors and I,
Upstairs to make ends meet.

* * *

That's all, but before I go:

Question: What's the difference between Joan Collins and a Kit-Kat?
Answer: You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat.

(What, did you think you'd get through one of my updates without even a tiny bit of filth?? Gullible lot, aren't you?)

Friday 31 July

Hiya folks!!!! Bit late this one.. erhummmm. My apologies. As mentioned elsewhere, this episode was screened during the York Ping weekend and my dearest son was entrusted with the job of recording the said programme. Not only did he fail to do that on the Friday, but he didn't catch the repeat during the Sunday omnibus either. Then holidays rapidly intervened and here we are nearly four weeks down the line. Enter Anne (RAnnie) Wallace to the rescue with a tape of said proggie... Annie, you're a darlin'! what are ya? Anyway, that out of the way, hopefully, this will be the last late Update from me for a while as this little epistle (hahahahahah!! Are they ever?) brings me up to date..... phew!!!

So, what's been happening since I wrote my last Update a few days ago? Well, not an awful lot. Had some of my York Ping photos back, duly scanned by Annie, so we'll get these up on the web as soon as possible. The postman called this morning with a colour scanner I bought - nice surprise, because when I ordered it last week, I was told that there would be a 4 week delivery cycle. So, we need to install that somewhere. Been spending the rest of my birthday money in other ways as well. Last week, I got round to replacing the knackered cassette tape deck I have had for about 20 years and this morning, I got myself another video recorder - this one will sit in the office, enabling me to record what *I* want, without having to rely on errant sons whose top priority in life is dossing about and demolishing vast quantities of booze. Apart from that spending orgy, norra lot else. No doubt the challenge of a new toy like the scanner will prove impossible to resist....

The episode commences out in't Street, where Greg and Maxine are having a tonsil swapping session. This revolting spectacle is witnessed by Sally, who looks deeply envious. Heaven knows why, as the rest of the nation reaches out for the sick bucket. In fact, the extent of my revulsion precludes me from describing this in any more details.

Further down the street, coming round the corner is Spider. He is spotted by Toyah and Curly. What can we say, other than Curly is not much chuffed about the episode the previous night. You see, Curly had had his sights set on Lorraine, who had her sights set on Spider .. and last night, she had pinned down Spider for a tonsil swapping session with him. And Curly had this deal with Spider that the latter was going to step aside for the former, but, of course, it didn't quite happen that way. Yet again, Curly was left out in the cold. To complete the picture, Toyah had her sights set on Spider, but of course, she was beaten to the punch by Lorraine.... Confused? .. well, its not an episode off the American sitcom "Soap", but it could be.... Result is as follows, Spider saying it was not his fault, Curly and Toyah mightily cheesed off (I think that is the euphemism?) and out of sight, no doubt, Lorraine grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Love, eh? Don't it cause a lot of pain? (Love Hurts - The Everly Brothers, 1965!

Outside the factory steps, love is there, as manifested by Roy. He is waiting for Hayley. She is just about to go into the factory with the girls, who recognise what's been going on. Roy had said things which had been misinterpreted (haven't we all?) and he's doing the right thing - he's come to say he's sorry. The girls offer Hayley some advice, make him pay!! But she's not like that, is she? Thank heaven, she doesn't play games, she's had enough hurt to realise the futility of it all. Anyway, once the girls have gone in, Roy admits he was wrong, saying what he did. He wants to be friends. Hayley knows that. She understands why he said what he did. In the bag he's carrying, a peace offering in the form of a pie for her morning break! What a sweetie!!! I don't think I've cried as much watching Coronation Street as when Roy and Hayley are together. Wonderful endearing stuff!!!

We are back at the Rovers and here is another sad love story... that of Alec and Rita. Alec is the Jester in Gilbert and Sullivan's "Yeoman of the Guard" "who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb as he sighed for the love of a lady..... misery me, lackaday dee, as he sighed for the love of a lady...." Vera is talking to Jack about Rita, "no spring chicken but still a good looking woman" she says. She is puzzled at anyone being attracted to Alec, and what Rita sees in him. "Company" is Jack's answer. She is concerned about what could happen if Alec and Rita got together and whether they would try to muscle in on the pub. Enter Alec. Vera is nosy about what went on last night and asks Alec how Rita is. "How would I know?" is Alec's tell-tale reply. She is in probing mood, saying whatever was discussed must have been important for Alec to go round so late. But Alec is not for telling her anything, no matter how long she probes and makes that very clear to Vera. The tone of his reply is enough to convince Vera of the importance of the discussion.

At the factory, Mike is popping out for business and leaves Greg in charge. In the outer office, the girls are talking, commenting on how Roy is trying to get back into Hayley's good books. Her response is that he is always in her good books. Sally is looking for an excuse to talk to Greg - the pretext is her tax. Janice remarks how it must be nice having a fella to cook for you. Hayley agrees. In the inner office, Greg is saying to Sally how he was watching her, she replies that she was watching him and Maxine earlier in the morning, all lovey dovey. She is jealous. Greg tells her that him and Maxine is "nothing like us". Sally feels envious that Greg spends more time with Maxine than with her. He spends nights with her. She wants to know what Maxine was doing there last night, he must have been waiting to sneak her in, the minute Sally went around the corner. He tells her that now is not the time to discuss the matter.

Alec is telling Betty that Rita didn't want to know. He had gone round there to tell her how he was feeling - this didn't come easily - the way he had been brought up, feelings were kept to yourself. He decided to speak out and so he did - and she did the same. He should have known better, a chap of his age. Betty explains how, when Billy was courting her, she kept saying "no", "leave me alone", "don't be so daft", she didn't really mean it... not deep down. Alec replies that the difference is that Rita did mean it.

Mike Baldwin joins Fred Elliott at the bar - Fred buys him a drink, asks "So how are things in the knicker industry" and comments that in his trade they are not such hostages to fashion. "A housewife will still want her stewing steak no matter what she's wearing under her frock!"

Maxine comes over and asks Mike where Greg is. He tells her that he employs the guy, but is not responsible for his social life. One dejected and pensive looking Maxine.

The factory girls are also in the pub. Janice is quizzing Hayley as to whether she has ever been married before or lived with anyone. When Hayley replies to the contrary, she is asked how old she is. "32" is her response. Ida enquires whether "Mr Pastry" has got round to asking her. "Me and Roy are really, just good friends" is Hayley's embarrassed response. Janice finds this hard to believe, "What? Friends with a fella and there's nowt in it?" When Hayley confirms that this is the position, Ida says that this is "flying in the face of nature"!

Ken pops his head around and asks whether Sally is with them and is told that she had some shopping to do.

Janice continues her philosophical stroll "I don't think I've ever been friends with a fella, even the one I'm married to." Ida's riposte "Especially the one you're married to" raises group laughter. "Well, I'm friends with Roy" clarifies Hayley.

Alec has called round to Rita's flat.. he presses the intercom... she lets him in.

At the café, Greg is explaining Maxine's overnight presence. Apparently she turned up at the door five minutes after Sally had left.. he could hardly turn her away (Sure! Sure!). When Sally doesn't see the problem, Greg explains that if he explained that he was seeing someone else, then she'd spend all her time trying to find out who that person was and "when she does everyone will know, including your husband." Sally recognises the sense in the argument, but she finds it difficult seeing him with her. she is also concerned that Greg will get fed up of her (Sally), when Maxine is available and she can call round unrestricted. "The more she does that, the more I think, 'when am I going to see Sally?'" is the Lying Toad's reply. They arrange to meet up in the evening.

Les has called in at the Café and asks where Toyah is. When Roy tells him that she normally comes in after school, Les tells her that she is not at school and asks whether Roy knows where she is. Roy doesn't and tells him so, besides, he is busy serving people.

Alec is explaining to Rita that he couldn't just leave things the way they were. Rita concurs with the situation and admits that she was almost on the point of asking him to come round. She apologises if what she said sounded harsh or unkind, she is still shaken up with everything, after the gas fire episode. Alec regrets pushing the relationship, "I must have taken leave of me senses!" When he asks whether he can light up a cigarette, she offers a drink. In any case, she says, she wouldn't be driven away by Alec, she wasn't embarrassed, she was very touched by what he said. She points out that they see each other every day, they live next door, he comes into the shop every day, she goes into his pub, so what would be the point of even considering changing that? "Well, none, there'd be no point, none at all" is Alec's unconvincing reply. "Except for companionship and affection and not being on your own at night?" suggests Rita. Alec is surprised by this statement, "Well, yes...". Rita suggests that they see how they go on and see what develops. "What? You think something might develop?" is Alec's hopefully question, but Rita says that she cannot answer that. Alec tells her that the only reason he came over was to try to save their friendship and if he's managed that, then that's enough. "For now?" asks Rita. "For now.. " replies Alec.

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

Part 2
"Now! We're going to have some fun today! Punctuation!" oooooh what a tease!!! Well, this is Ken's opener with Toyah as they start a lesson. When Toyah says that she is hopeless at this, he tells her that it's absolutely vital. "It's like riding a bike, once you've got it, you've got it for life." "The only time I tried riding a bike, I fell off and cut me knee!" is Toyah's reply. He goes about setting the content of the lesson, but Toyah has her mind on other things. She quizzes him as to what he thinks of Lorraine, the new barmaid in the pub, whether he thinks she is pretty. When he replies that he hadn't really considered the matter, she says maybe he is too old, but he denies this. He is uncomfortable about the way that the conversation is turning and brings it back round to punctuation.

Greg has popped over to see Maxine. He apologies for not meeting her at lunchtime and uses the excuse of having to deliver an order for Mike and then getting stuck in traffic. (Sure! Sure!) He also wheedles out of meeting her in the evening on the pretext of having to take out a buyer for dinner, again, at Mike's request. They agree to meet up the following evening.

After he has left, Maxine is upset. She tells Fiona that she knows he is lying , she knows for a fact, as, when she saw Mike Baldwin in the Rovers, Mike had said that he hadn't seen Greg. She knows that something is wrong, he is seeing someone else, she realises that she doesn't know him.

At Ken's, we are discussing a conversation Toyah has written between a "stupid man and a bimbo" and Ken is going through the punctuation. On the other hand, Toyah is more concerned as to what happens to clever men's brains when they see someone who looks like a Barbie doll standing beside them? When Ken tries to dismiss this as one of life's mysteries, she comments that it is pathetic. The conversation then follows two parallel paths, with Ken referring to the script written by Toyah and bringing conversation into the picture, whereas Toyah is preoccupied with what actually happens in that situation. She is frustrated that she is wasting her time improving her brain, she might as well invest in a bottle of hair dye, this being a reference to the way that bimbos attract their men.

Back at the Rovers, Alec is more cheerful. He apologises for snapping at Jack and Vera in the morning, Rita is getting her strength back, he explains. She may be in the Rovers later on.

When he has left, Betty tells them that Alec is obviously more cheerful after seeing Rita - it must have been something she said.

After Betty has gone home, Vera is despondent. She fears that if Rita and Alec get together, then their own future at the Rovers will be threatened. She criticises Jack for not supporting her.

Back chez Battersby, Les asks Toyah where she was at dinner time... he'd popped into the café for a freebie, to be told by "the barmcake that runs it that he hadn't set eyes on you all day long". She tells him that she went to a mate's to do some schoolwork and had kept quiet about it because she'd only have got a mouthful about it from him. He asks why she is doing schoolwork in her summer holidays and she replies that she wants to catch up, so she'd get a decent job, instead of something gross, like being a barmaid. Les expresses the opinion that there is nothing wrong with being a barmaid.

Sally is telling her daughters that she is going to have a few drinks with the girls from work. Kevin departs with them for the swimming baths.

We are at the Rovers. Roy and Hayley have come in. Roy orders a pineapple juice. He looks round at Hayley for her order "the usual please, Roy". "And a pineapple juice, please" is the classic addendum - peas in a pod or what? Hayley explains that she was there at lunchtime with the girls and they've been asking about her past, so she's had to be a bit careful, but she likes them and feels she's getting on well with them. She feels it's great to be part of a gang. Roy tells her that he's never done that, not even at school. He pays for his drinks in small change, a typical brilliant Roy moment.

Spider orders a pint at the bar from Lorraine. He tells her that Curly saw them together and that Curly was upset. Lorraine is not very complimentary about poor Curly.

At Greg's place, he and Sally are in bed together. She is saying how she cannot help comparing herself with Maxine. "She's single, she can come and go as she pleases, she doesn't have to make any excuses." Greg tells her that "she isn't the one I want!" Sally is afraid that Greg might get fed up of her, only being able to meet her in secret. When he says he'll see her everyday at work, she tells him it's not the same. She says she felt really sorry for Kevin tonight, who thinks they are over the worst of the marital problems and that everything is going to be alright again. When Greg asks whether it would be, if he were not around, Sally owns up... no, not for her, she doesn't love him anymore, it's as simple as that. She finds it difficult to believe that it would be possible to fall out of love with somebody after twelve years, even though there is a family involved. When Greg asks whether Kevin maybe knows more than he is letting on about, she says that he doesn't suspect anything, he's not that clever, he doesn't hide things, she's the one that does that, maybe he would have been better of stopping with Natalie. She tells him how pleased Kevin was arranging the holiday and views her giving him the money for the garage as proof of her love for him - what he can't see is that the money is the only thing she can give him.

Spider has come round to make his apologies with Curly. He insists he did not do the dirty on him, he did everything he said he would do, in the end she took a fancy to him (Spider) and he cannot help that, can he? Curly reluctantly agrees, "in a way, you did me a great service." He shows him a photograph of Raquel. Spider comments that she looks a bit like Lorraine. Not only did he go out with her, he married her, he worshipped her, he would have done anything for her. "And you know what she did to me? She left me, she walked out. So thinking about it, you probably saved me a lot of aggro. The thing is.. you should be careful mate."

At the Rovers, Vera sees Rita having a drink with Alec - her paranoia running in overdrive, she comments to Jack that Rita is obviously looking to see what she's getting for her money, a reference to her fear that Rita has her eyes set on the Rovers.

Spider is reporting back to Lorraine and telling her that he has seen Curly and found out he was married to someone once, what's more, she looks a bit like her. Lorraine is not flattered as she fears being stalked by him.

Hayley is telling Roy that she is expecting to receive an offer on her late father's house. So, she is going to need to sort out where she is going to stay. Roy asks whether she has thought any more about Victoria Flats. "No, not really" is her reply. He offers to give her a second opinion should she need one when she finds somewhere to live. Yet again, he's missed a signal from her...... the disappointment registers on her face.

Sally and Greg are talking. He wonders whether it is wise handing over the money to Kevin. She reminds him that this is all she can give him, besides she has already handed over half of it and there is another £25,000 lined up. That was going to go into the house. He points out that she doesn't know how long she is going to be living there - sure enough, she might need a home, but it might not be that house and it might not be with Kevin. It might be a different house with somebody else altogether.

.....it is the cue for music and credits
Episode written by Peter Whalley
All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me?

Hmm. Not an awful lot of action. I certainly have the firing squad lined up for Greg, he's a total waste of space, that one.

Alec is being kept guessing by Rita. Will she? Won't she? Heaven knows...

The finest parts of the episode? Two candidates. Firstly, Toyah - who has a wonderful dialogue, or should it be a parallel monologue, with Ken Barlow. She handles very well, the hurt and frustration of being beaten to the punch for the object of her desires. Roy and Hayley are in classic form - Roy paying for his drinks in what seemed to be all the small change the café had collected over a week's takings, and for missing a cue from Hayley regarding where she should live. Hayley for delicately fencing off the probing about her past and her relationship with Roy.

Anyway that's about it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ Regards, Alan

Written by John Laird, Peter Dewhirst, CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk


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