Sunday 2 August
I came, I drank, I was deflowered. I am no longer a Ping virgin
! Many, many thanks to Alan M and Roofy for organising last Saturday's
get together in York. Although I was a little suspicious when
I had to sit on my own nursing a pint of Tetley's worst for a
while until the advance party arrived from Betty's tea shop somewhat
later than planned. Fortunately, I recognised Alan straight away,
in his cuddly purple baby-grow with the TV screen on the front
!
I think it's fair to say a very fine afternoon was had by
all, while for some it was merely the main course of a veritable
orgying of Ping'ing starting sometime Friday and continuing on
late into Sunday night. There's no satisfying some folks. It
was the first occasion I'd met everyone present, and what a nice
and relatively normal bunch they all were, too. [And no, that's
not intended as an insult.] All of the update writers arrived,
along with a host of other regulars from ratucs. I got a bit
lost during some of the chat about the IRC channel, it must be
said. I'm afraid my steam powered technology here doesn't run
to that. We had a quick quiz which was chaired by Alan, and was
very tough. Very tough. I think Dewey and I came an honourable
3rd.
Loads of piccies were taken (I think someone mugged a coachload
of Japanese tourists), so you can expect to see major character
assassination being committed on a web page near you in the not-too-distant
future. I ticked the no publicity box, but no-one took a blind
bit of notice.
I'll have to draw this to a close now (Alan will be writing
a small novel in comparison, so you can get all the real dirt
from him) and be off home to get packed for my hols.
Here's a wee update I'd prepared earlier...
Act 1
We open in Rita's Kabin, where Leanne and Ken are busy sorting
out the till and the magazines. In comes Alec, wanting to know
if the papers went out on time, and why is the back of the shop
full of empty boxes ? Both Ken and Leanne are annoyed by Alec's
interference, and protest. He announces that is acting in his
capacity as Rita's representative, now that they are "an
item". Jaws drop all round.
Lorraine and Spider emerge from Auntie Em's house. Spider tells
his new love he is worried about Curly. She wants to go out that
night, but he thinks it might be best to lie low for a bit. As
they walk away, we see Toyah watching from further up the street.
Curly arrives and asks her what women see in Spider. She rounds
on him: "Even if we didn't see anything in Spider, we still
wouldn't see it in a sad old fart like you !". Poor Curly.
[And poor Kevin Kennedy, having to watch his character going down
the tubes at the same time as sorting out his own personal problems.]
Back in the Kabin, Leanne and Ken are discussing Alec's apparent
claims to Rita's affections, when the Big Red One arrives in person.
She, too, asks if the papers went out on time. [My paper shop
really doesn't seem all that bothered, I think the writers must
be harking back to around the time when I was a paper lad and
it was a hard life. We had to get up at 4 in t'morning, lick t'road
clean wi' our tongues....] Ken tells Rita that Alec has already
been in and asked exactly the same question, and goes on to mention
Alec's new "status". Rita looks confused, and a little
annoyed.
Curly is in his office, glasses off, pulling strange faces
in a shaving mirror, apparently trying to look more youthful,
or less sad. Alma knocks on his door, and he fumbles with his
specs, managing to poke himself in the eye in the process. Alma
tells him she has come to pretend to ask him something, as it
were. [This is a little confusing, but read on anyway. It made
some sort of sense but what was missing was the information about
what had prompted it all.] She wonders if they have any plans
for all-night shopping. Curly says of course not, he's no intention
of catering for sad shift workers and insomniacs. "Tell them
I'll report to head office that there'd been an enquiry",
he says. "Which of course I won't", he adds. Alma seems
to think this is OK. [Glad she understands it. I didn't. But I
think we were supposed to imagine this had been a request from
a member of staff, or a customer, the local paper, a passing Martian,
someone anyway.] She turns to go, but Curly asks her how old she
thinks he is. She is a little flustered, and asks "why ask
me ?". He mutters something about women over 40 being good
at that sort of thing, and she replies "well about that age,
actually". "What !! You think I'm over 40 !". Oops.
Alma tells him she has offended him. "I'm only 35 !"
he says. Alma looks surprised, and he adds "going on 45,
obviously !". Well, it just goes to show what clothes do
for people, how you judge them by what they wear, Alma proffers
by way of a retreat. Curly examines his tie.
Greg "bumps into" Sally in the street, accidentally
on purpose no doubt. They make a feeble attempt at talking business
while other people walk by, and then lower their voices. Greg
asks Sally is she got back alright the night before. She tells
him that fortunately, Kevin was half asleep. "I can't stand
it, I want to be with you all the time", she admits. "I
don't like all this acting." [Nope, we're not 100% on it
either, Sally !]
Alec arrives in the Kabin to whisk Rita away for lunch, in
his words. Rita in reply asks him if he wants a clout round the
head from her handbag. "What's all this, telling everyone
we're courting ? Get out !". [And the same question to No
2, Cilla..]
Intermission
I may as well take this bit out of my update template, there's
so little to report. I did notice that Pepsi have dropped the
Spice Girls ads from their repertoire, no doubt after Geriatric
Spice quit. Wonder what that ended up costing ?
Act 2
It's straight back to the Kabin, where Alec has not got out. "Have
you forgotten how we'd made up, and were looking forward to the
future", he asks. "We had a drink together and a heart-to-heart."
Rita simply looks even more confused. "I can't cope with
this !". Ken, who has been quietly standing to one side,
decides it's time Alec left, as Rita is clearly under a lot of
strain.
Spider and Lorraine are out shopping. [Oh dear, Spider, it's
all downhill once you start shopping together !] He picks up a
pack of veggie bangers and tells her they're very nice in a bun
with some mustard. She still wants to go out that evening, and
suggests an 80s retro night at a local club. Spider agrees. And
who should appear next but Toyah, who also picks up a packet of
the same sausages. "Spider loves these", she says. Lorraine
pretends to go along with this, telling Toyah they're very nice
in a bun with some mustard. Toyah feigns surprise, asking Lorraine
if she isn't a dead animal eater. "I'm an omnivore",
replies Lorraine. <blank look.> "That means I eat anything
!". [CP ! Quiet !!] Toyah isn't giving up easily and asks
Spider if he'd like to come round for his tea that night. "Thanks,
but I can't. We're going out to that new club. What's it called
?". Lorraine stares into space, but Spider remembers the
name after all. Toyah thinks that's a great idea, and she'll come
with them. "No way !", says Lorraine, coming back to
life, "definitely *not* happening !!". [Nice touch,
a bit of authentic yoof-speak there. Although no doubt it was
last month's style, and is now hopelessly sad.] Lorraine drags
Spider away.
Curly and Alma have been standing just down the aisle from
all this. He asks her what women see in Spider. She tells him
that Spider has a nice way about him, a warm feeling of self-confidence,
and a sense of humour. It goes over Curly's head.
Leanne is off home from the shop, and Ken bids her farewell.
Turning up like the proverbial bad penny is Alec again, offering
to lock up. Ken tells him that he and Leanne are coping perfectly
well without his help - as far as Ken is concerned, *he* is looking
after the shop. Alec pleads for some understanding about his position,
telling Ken that he isn't playing any sort of game with Rita.
Leanne arrives home, and tosses a packet of cigarettes in Toyah's
lap. "Did you knock them off ?", she asks. "Of
course not", replies Leanne. Toyah tells her sister this
new attitude is down to her Nick, she hardly ever smokes any more
either. She offers Leanne a fag, but Leanne turns it down. "You've
changed, Leanne." "So have you, since you got keen on
that Spider." Toyah confesses she wishes she could change
Spider back to the way he was before he met "that tart Lorraine".
"He used me", she complains, "now he doesn't care
any more". Leanne advises Toyah that she doesn't need him
either.
In the Rovers, Maxine is whinging about Greg always making
excuses for not seeing her. She tells him that she knows he wasn't
doing whatever it was he said he was doing, the day before, because
she'd asked Mike and got a different answer. "You'll never
get a straight answer from Mike", he explains, "because
he thinks every guy's like him, cheating on his wife. Probably
thinks he's done me a favour !". "You know where you
are with me, I'll always be straight with you", he adds.
[Upchuck...] Kevin and Sally enter, Kevin very enthused with something,
Sally not. Kevin spots two seats next to Greg and Maxine and asks
if they can sit down. Fine, says Maxine. Greg and Sally look awkward.
Kevin gets a round in, and starts telling everyone how he's really
keen about expanding the garage, and getting into car-dealing.
"And it's all down to my lovely wife, and her money !",
he beams. Sally looks as if she is waiting for the floor to open
up.
Spider and Lorraine are at the club. [Shall I embarrass myself
by admitting to knowing what records are playing in the background
? Oh why not. It's Duran Duran.] Spider hasn't made much effort
on the clothes front. She wonders if he is enjoying himself. He
is. "Did you think I'm too serious to have fun ? You've not
seen me in action, have you ?". They head for the dance floor,
where Spider demonstrates how to dance like a divvy, version two.
[Version one is the foot shuffle where the upper body, including
arms is mostly motionless, version two involves exaggerated pointing
motions and much rolling of eyes.] Lorraine rolls her eyes in
apparent embarrassment, while in the background we spy Toyah looking
on approvingly.
Back at the Rovers, Greg is making excuses for himself and
Maxine. He's really tired, and is going to take Maxine straight
home. Kevin announces that this is a shame, as he was enjoying
himself. As Maxine and Greg leave, she asks him why he was feeling
tired all of a sudden. [Nothing to do with having to sit and look
at your other girlfriend, perhaps ?]
Alma and Mike are chatting, she has obviously been telling
him about Curly, and suggests they go and keep him company. "Do
we have to ?", asks Mike. They wander over and sit next to
our hapless hero. Mike beams and tells him that "Alma says
we should come and sit with you - keep your mind off your sad
and lonely life !". [He's priceless in these scenes, is Mike
!!]
At the disco^h^h^h^h^h nightclub, Spider is having a seriously
fab and groovy time, and Toyah is joining in wholeheartedly. Lorraine,
on the other hand, is seriously cheesed off, and heads for the
bar. [This is all a little close to home. Mrs L goes by the name
of Lorraine, too, and where she is a keen dancer, I most emphatically
am not. I could be, to borrow a phrase a friend once used about
himself, the Douglas Bader of the dance floor. We have had some
near-divorce moments whenever there is music and strobe lighting
present !]
Rita lets Alec into her flat. He has come to see what he has
done to upset her. Rita admits that she cannot remember anything
from the previous day's chat at all - it's all a blur. Alec tells
her all about it, but her mind remains a blank. She looks very
sad, and Alec is genuinely concerned.
Spider finally tracks Lorraine down in a corner of the club.
She tells him that she wanted to be there with *him*, not his
groupie. He thinks it best if they all just go home. Lorraine
wonders why Toyah can't just go on her own, but Spider says she
is too young to be making her way home alone.
It's late, and everyone in the Webster household is asleep,
apart from droopy Sally who has sneaked downstairs to make a phone
call to you know who. [Next to the phone is a happy snap of her
and Kevin and the gurls.] The conversation goes along the lines
of the typical teenagers in lurve scene, and no doubt viewers
are barfing across the country. Sally admits she is insanely jealous
of Maxine. Greg says that's why they left the pub so abruptly,
he had to get rid of Maxine. Just then, Rowsie comes down the
stairs. Sally says she has to go, and adds "I love you".
She tells her little girl that she had come downstairs to get
something to eat, and was "just talking to myself".
On the other end of the line, Greg too has to explain who he
was talking to on the phone. Maxine is emerging from the bathroom
in a towel, obviously not at home at all. Greg tells her it was
a woman who'd got the wrong number, and she must have been a bit
squiffy as she'd seemed quite happy to chat to Greg instead. "Are
you trying to make me jealous ?", simpers the simple crimper.
"I'll show you how you're the only girl for me", says
Greg, and grabs her. Clinch. [More barfing. And Maxine is *so*
tanned, it's ridiculous. Why we're supposed to imagine that the
likes of her, and Lorraine, and before that Samantha, spend their
free time lying under a sun-bed, I cannot imagine.]
A cab arrives and disgorges the dancing queens. Spider shows
Toyah to her door, as Lorraine stomps off in the other direction.
He runs to stop her, asking her to come back. Lorraine thinks
Spider is more interested in Toyah. "I could hardly tell
her to get lost", he argues. She tells him he is too soft.
He calls her bluff. "Fine ! I'll call you a cab, then ?"
Lorraine back-tracks. No, she doesn't want a cab. He asks her
if she is planning to spend the night in the bus shelter. That'd
be a shame, as Auntie Em is away, and it would've been nice if
Lorraine had stayed. Only, he's blown it. Shame. Lorraine gives
in, and throws her arms around him. They go inside. [Top man,
Spider, quite beautifully done !!]
This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.
*Much* better tonight. The scene in Curly's office was priceless,
and possibly bettered by Spider's display on the dance floor.
It's not easy to describe in words, but at one point he was with
just his head and hands protruding through a green "curtain"
of laser light. [I must look out my Saturday Night Fever outfit
and get down and boogie !!]
I'm still missing Ashleh though, I said I'm still missing
Ashleh...
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****
For the next couple of weeks, you have the pleasure of being
updated by Sandy. Or then again, it might be Glyn. Well, once
he's sorted out his identity crisis, I'm sure he do a splendid
job !
See you soon, John Laird
Monday 3 August
Hi everyone, this is going to be my last late update. I was
all ready to get it done within 3 days, but as I ran the tape
forward from doing the previous Monday's, it jammed and I couldn't
use it any more. Here on Anglia TV our repeat is at 5am the following
morning, rather than a weekly omnibus, so I'd missed that. Fortunately
Tinky^ sent me his tape, but not in time to update before my
holiday. So here I am, 9pm Tuesday 18th August, hoping I can
get the bulk of the update done before I have to go to the pub.
Thank's Tinky^, the tape will be back in the post today.
Just for a change, we don't open at the Webster's at breakfast,
but in the Kabin, where Toyah is perusing teen-mags. (BTW don't
let your daughters read 'more' until you've vetted it yourself,
unless they're over, say, 21. It's disgusting). Rita is getting
snappy with Leanne, commanding her to get the crisps in and leave
the papers to her.
A semi-naked Spider (steady, Glenda) comes down to breakfast,
and finds Lorraine has already prepared it. And what /is/ that
through his left nipple? Looks like a 3 inch spike of wood to
me. (BTW the newly liberated Dewey yesterday joined him: a nice
titanium ring, and it didn't hurt a bit.) They have a bit of a
'how was it for you' session referring to the night and/or evening
before, and we are left not knowing whether they enjoyed Ugandan
Relations between the sheets or not. Lorraine teases him about
his mothering of RToyah. She then proceeds to floss his teeth
with her tongue. Yeurrrrgh.
Cut to RToyah, alone chez Batts. She's taking her magazine's
advice on how to catch her ideal man, trying out a new sexy walk,
and checking herself out in the mirror - 'make the most of your
eyes by looking at your hunks through lowered lids'. The mag's
clothing tips don't impress her either. How will she ever get
Spider to notice her?
It was too good to last, here we are chez Webster, where RKevin
is opening the morning's junk mail. Then there's a letter from
the Solicitors telling him that the garage deal with Natalie is
nearly complete. Sally senses an argument, and tells the girls
to go upstairs to get ready for school, but they don't go. Kevin
goes instead, leaving them eating their breakfast. Sally gets
cross with them for not doing as they were told.
Toyah, tired of trying seduction tips, goes round to Ken's
for her extra-curricular activity. He reads her latest effort,
and admits that it's crap, but better crap. Most importantly,
she's definitely showing signs of improvement. Ken catches sight
of her magazine, which Toyah is embarrassed about, but he reassures
her that he doesn't care what she reads, as long as she does read.
She bluffs that she only reads it for the cooking articles!
Back to the Kabin, where Rita is getting a bit confused. Why
is Leanne humping boxes of crisps around when she should be doing
the papers? Leanne explains that she herself told her to do the
crisps, but Rita can't remember, nor remember that Toyah was even
in the shop that morning.
Ken and Toyah are doing a letter writing exercise. Toyah can't
see why letters should be in language different from everyday
use. Why can't she just write 'Hiya. Send me the stuff or we'll
come round and break your knees, love Toyah.' Ken explains that
Real Life is different because of the body language, that can't
be conveyed in a letter. Hasn't he heard of smileys? He suggests
that as Toyah thinks the magazine is crap, she should write a
letter to the editor describing how they could improve it. Toyah
is reluctant, assuming they wouldn't bother to even read it, but
agrees to go along with it as an exercise. One of her reasons
for thinking it's crap is that it's full of lads with no shirts
on, that's naff. He tries to encourage her to think her objections
through - not just saying it's naff, but why it's naff. She wants
the magazine to concentrate less on getting off wi' lads, and
more on dangerous sports, like quad-biking. Shouldn't she be buying
What Quad Bike or Bungee Jumping Digest?
Ken is surprised that she's not interested in boys, but she
tells him that she 'goes for older men'. Ken's involuntary body
language causes her to add 'I said older men, not geriatrics'.
LOL!
Again we visit the Kabin, where Leanne tells Alec that she's
getting worried about Rita and her forgetfulness. Roy is unnecessarily
sarcastic, questioning how there could be more room in her mind
to be worried about Rita. Leanne tells him straight that although
they don't see eye to eye, she doesn't want him moving in and
taking control. He tells her not to be concerned, Rita is just
a little tired. Smelling a rodent, Leanne demands 'what's up',
which nicely coincides with Rita coming in from the back, all
smiles, to reiterate the question. Alec, caught out, is saved
by the arrival of Vera, teasing him that she can always find him
behind a bar or a counter, but wouldn't it be nice if he was behind
the bar of the Rovers occasionally? Rita explains that he's only
doing her a favour while she gets better, but knowing him she'll
have to return it. He'll probably get her working behind the Rovers
bar sometime. This is something Vera doesn't want to hear, and
she begins to think Alec has a plot to get the Duckies out and
Rita in.
Ken is very impressed with Toyah's letter to the editor describing
the research she has done which indicates that coverage of extreme
sports would be welcome. The spelling was a bit suspect, but they've
put that right, and it was the content that was important. He
puts it in an envelope and sees Toyah out. Toyah tells him that
he's dead good as a teacher - why wasn't he like that at school?
She's having second thoughts about sending the letter, so Ken
takes it off her to make sure it gets posted.
As he walks to the postbox we cut to Curly who has spotted
Martin outside the Kabin. He goes over to suggest they have a
night out soon, but Martin's diary is fully booked - he's on nights.
Still, the whole scene was just a plot device to get Martin in
position to be pumped for medical knowledge by Alec. Alec admits
that everyone takes advantage of Martin's medical capacity, and
that he wants to do the same. Martin, to his credit, admits that
he knows nothing about Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, and suggests
a visit to Rita's GP might be a better idea. Is this the first
time he hasn't known everything required for a Street regular's
medical position?
Our Toyah is a busy lass, now she's cleaning tables in Roy's
Rolls. Spider and Lorraine arrive, and Toyah uses a line from
her 'get your man guide' - 'do you have a wide and varied wardrobe?
Then you could do clever things with co-ordinated separates.'
Lorraine is confused until Toyah comments that she is wearing
the same clothes as she did in the club last night. Lorraine really
enjoys rubbing it in that she hasn't been home to change yet.
RToyah certainly didn't want to hear that!
END OF PART ONE
RToyah, who was not impressed with Lorraine's order
of scrambled egg and bacon, fairly throws the plate on the table.
Lorraine thinks she is a stroppy little madam, and can't understand
how a veggie can work in a cafe serving animal products. It'd
be like her being anti-alcohol, yet working in the Rovers. Spider
tells her that 'she gets confused, but she's all right is Toyah.'
Leanne wants to know what's bugging RToyah, who indicates
towards Lorraine, and explains how she stayed with Spider last
night. Leanne suddenly understands, and takes the bacon roll that
Toyah has given her, and goes to Spider's table for the ketchup.
Oh dear, her squeeze on the bottle slips, and Lorraine's white
blouse begins to look like it needs a hot wash with Persil. 'I
am so, so sorry', says Leanne with minimal sincerity, 'I do hope
you don't have to go home and change your top'.
Alec is fussing over the magazines and periodicals
while Alma tells Rita how nice it is to have her back in the saddle.
As Alma leaves, having cancelled the papers for the weekend, Rita
catches Alec looking at her strangely. He claims that he's just
looking at her because he's glad to have her back, but Rita is
not convinced.
RToyah is still following her magazine's advice - 'take
the initiative, go round to his house, he's probably only watching
telly anyway, and will be glad to see you.' Snatching up some
of the many clothes lying around, she hurries out of the scene.
For a change of scene, we go to Underworld, where Blandford
sits with Sally to talk about Kevin, the garage etc. It isn't
easy talking in that situation, and he has to cover up when they
might be overheard.
'What are you up to?' says Spider, admitting RToyah.
'Oh, just taking the initiative, y'know how it is'. She's wearing
an embroidered cotton blouse (with sleeves far too long), and
curiously, Les's brown leather gilet. She tries to get all sexy
and sensuous, and asks Spider what he thinks about age differences
in couples. He says he's never really thought about it, which
Toyah takes as encouragement. Lorraine arrives, post-bath, and
joins in, agreeing that there's very little difference in their
ages, and then asking why Toyah wants to know - is it a school
project or something? Toyah has to twist it back to Lorraine,
and tells her that it is a project on why so-called vegans go
out with people who eat meat. Lorraine asks her why she is wearing
leather? 'No, it's not /her/ jacket', says Spider, 'it's her Dad's.
<Thinks a moment> Why /are/ you wearing it?' A crestfallen
Toyah runs out when Lorraine describes the quiet night in she
is planning with Spider.
Curly is being miserable into his pint, declaring to
Betty that he is a 'nothing happening person'. Baldwin rubs it
in by agreeing. Curly declines another pint and states that he
might just run away to London to seek fame and fortune, and find
somebody new. Baldwin can't miss another opportunity to belittle
Curly - ' Get a life - what could they see in you?' Alma goes
into protect friendship mode and tells Curly not to take any notice
of Mike, but all the same, he could look very attractive if he
made a bit of an effort.
We cut to Kevin telling Natalie that he's had the Solicitors'
letter, and it'll soon be all over, they'll be free of each other.
Ken comes in for a pint, and Vera wants to know what
Alec's up to. Ken doesn't know, but agrees that Alec has got his
feet firmly under the counter at the Kabin.
RToyah is getting increasingly upset about failing
to get Spider to notice her. In her frustration she tears up her
magazine, turns on some loud music, and disappears upstairs.
As we saw before, loud music chez Batts is still loud
in Emily's parlour, and it is there that we find Spider doing
his strange dancing, to Lorraines evident amusement. He's wearing
a rather wonderful T shirt showing all of Stonehenge round his
waist. I want one! Although for me it would need to include the
Avebury Stone Circle, and prolly the Circle Line too just to get
round my waist. Lorraine is so amused she joins in, and, naturally,
they have another osculatory session. An unusual scene, no dialogue,
just a few giggles from Lorraine.
Curly comes home from a hard day's supermarket managing,
and finds the second post. He ploughs through the junk mail until
he reaches an Airmail envelope from Kuala Lumpur. After the pleasantries,
Raquel gets straight to the point - she has met somebody special
- Justin - and she wants a divorce. Curly can't take this in with
the noise of Toyah's music. (Note the copy of PC Plus on the table
- proof that Curly is, or aspires to be, computer literate)
It's closing time at the Kabin, and Leanne is preparing
to leave. She tells Rita that she's very pleased that Rita's back,
and getting better. This is news to Rita, she has no recollection
of being ill. Just then Alec arrives, who confirms that she has
been ill, but is better now. Rita starts to get hysterical, and
through her sobbing, tells him how frightened she is. He tries
to comfort her, but she is sure that she is losing her mind. With
her head in her hands just like Edvard Munch's 'The Scream', she
sobs into the closing credits.
Episode written by Peter Mills.
Dewey
Wednesday 5 August
The first draft of this week's update contained a
long introductory spiel about the 'cult of celebrity', but on
second reading I decided it was too much like some pseudo-sociological
tract and got rid of it. All I wanted to say was the fact that
a lot of celebrities are cults - and there, but for the grace
of a single consonant, go most of them - is quite understandable.
After all, most people lead lives of such utter tedium and joylessness
that they are only too glad to enjoy vicarious fame and fortune
through the lives of their favourite celebrities. What I can't
understand, however, is why people who have relatively varied
and fun-filled social lives, and who are on the surface happy
and 'sorted', should want to worship at the shrine of celebrity.
For example, what makes someone like my old mate Mike Plowman
want to camp out for three nights just to get Ainsley Harriot's
autograph? Why does the relatively sane and 'together' Graham
Allsopp run the sole UK fanclub for the Krankies? What on earth
motivates a normal young woman like Glenda Young (normal, that
is, apart from the chronic Dettol addiction) to spend her annual
fortnight's holiday in a run-down B&B in Birmingham, simply
because the actor who played Benny in "Crossroads"
once stayed there? And why does my dear friend Tracy Roketta
persist in writing letters of proposal to Barry Manilow? (Tracy,
dearest, was the photocopy that I sent you of his Barbra Streisand
Appreciation Society membership card not enough to convince you?).
It really is baffling.
My mother is just as bad. During a recent phone call
she told me how excited she was to have actually met someone
who knew the cousin of a woman who'd had a non-speaking walk-on
part in Eldorado. (I suppose this makes my mother a minor
celebrity thrice removed). Personally I've never been into the
celebrity bit. I guess it's because I spent several months of
my youth behind the bar of the Albany Hotel in Birmingham, and
thus know only too well what arseholes some of these celebrities
can be. (I shan't name names, but "it'll be a great night
if you play your cards right." *That* particular arsehole
once gave me a barrage of verbal abuse simply because I forgot
to put ice in his Scotch). Some, however, are truly affable people
and a pleasure to be with. Les Dawson, whom I served on numerous
occasions, was a 24-carat gem, as was the inimitable Larry Grayson.
Another gem was the late Beryl Reid, who once gave me almost
half-an-hour of her time to talk about her roles in "The
Killing Of Sister George" and "Entertaining Mr Sloane",
before advising me to get a university education rather than
go to drama school, which had been my original intention. That
the Establishment didn't honour her during her lifetime by making
her a Dame is a total scandal, but that's by the by. (I've never
been decorated with anything and probably never will be; I've
been 'whitewashed' enough times, but never decorated. I can't
see HM ever giving *me* an OBE. Not that I want one, really.
I'd much prefer a knighthood. That's the one where you have to
kneel down and kiss the Queen's ring, isn't it? Should be no
problem: I've got years of practice, after all).
Other celebrities I've met in less than salubrious
circumstances, to say the least. As a teenager, I used to frequent
this really posh hotel, The Grosvenor, in Birmingham which was
also a club for friends of Dorothy (and sisters of Sappho), and
many's the time I've bumped into the guy who played Adam Chance
in "Crossroads". Come to think of it, I don't know
why they didn't shoot "Crossroads" in the Grosvenor,
given the number of cast members I've seen in there. Once I actually
danced with the black guy who played the motel mechanic, and
Noelle Gordon could often be seen there too, prancing around
without a bra and pinching people on the bum (I kid you not -
these memories are etched in stone).
But the incident I remember best is the one which
changed my attitude to celebrity for good. Years ago - I couldn't
have been much older than nineteen - I was answering the call
of nature in an (eminently straight and respectable) London hotel
when who should walk in and take up his position at the adjoining
urinal but the one-and-only George Best! Now as it happens, George
was *my* boyhood icon and I couldn't believe my eyes. What a
singularly inopportune moment at which to come face-to-face with
one's old object of worship! My first instict, understandably,
was to shake the great man's hand, but extricating my own hand
from the job it was engaged in would have probably meant spraying
the poor chap in the process, so I just stood there, awe-struck
and totally lost for words. When I eventually found a voice,
it was to say something mundane like "George, I'd just like
to say what a pleasure it always is to watch you play" -
the kind of stuff that he'd probably heard a million times -
but in my flustered state it came out something like "George,
I'd just like to say what a pleasure it always is to watch you
piss." The fact that I turned beetroot-red was enough to
prove that I'd said it totally unintentionally, and he laughed
good-naturedly while I fumbled through an apology. It is disconcerting
enough to stand talking to one's idol while both of you have
your family jewels in your hand without making a gaffe as awful
as that on top of everything else. Anyway, when we'd both zipped
up and washed our hands, he gave me his autograph and I repaired
to the bar to tell my friends whom I'd just seen. "So dish
the dirt," said one of them, "and tell us whether he's
hung like a horse or not." They didn't believe me when I
told them that I hadn't even noticed. "Who cares whether
he's hung like a horse?" I said. "The fact that he's
human and needs to piss like the rest of us is breaking my heart!"
My final bit on celebrity involves HRH Prince of Wales,
who recently came up to Durham to receive an honorary doctorate
or something. And I stood him up!! I was one of a select few
from the Social Sciences Faculty invited to "mingle with
the Prince at an informal finger buffet" or words to that
effect. The problem was that it clashed with our own department's
finalists' leaving ceremony, and if it's a toss-up between saying
goodbye to my own students and hobnobbing with Charlie, I'm afraid
Charlie loses out every time. (Besides, I thought, what would
I have said to him? "Sorry about the smash-up in Paris"?
"Why did you ditch Di for someone who looks like Audrey
Roberts in the first place?" "Does Camilla do 'colours'?"
And what would he have said to me? I reckoned I was better off
out of it. Besides, if he'd wanted to have cut the crap with
some pathetic old queen, he could have simply phoned his mother).
It's a shame in a way, because I would have got to say hello
- again - to our Chancellor, the wondrous Peter Ustinov. Ustinov's
is the signature that our students get on their degree certificates
- unlike in my student days here in Durham when Margot Fonteyn
was Chancellor. I've got her signature on both my undergraduate
*and* postgraduate degree certificates, a fact which I bear like
the cross it surely is. I'll never forget my mother's snide little
remark when I showed her my certificates. "You spend years
and years studying," she said, "and all you have to
show for it is a piece of paper signed by some sodding ballerina!"
I've never lived it down, believe me.
Anyway, enough celebrity gossip for one week. Onwards
and upwards we go to the update:
The episode opens chez Big Red Spice, who's been forgetting
things again. (The first thing she's forgotten is that candlewick
dressing gowns went out about the same time as ration books. There's
something for you to think about as the nights draw in). Alec
tells her that she really needs to see her GP. Carbon monoxide
poisoning can bring bouts of chronic forgetfulness in its wake,
and it's best that she has a word with her friendly doctor. Rita
nods in agreement, then instantly forgets what he's said. "Is
Len home from work yet?" she asks. "And has Elsie Tanner
brought me that knitting pattern back? The brazen hussy has had
it for almost a month. I'm halfway through that off-the-shoulder
poncho and it would be just like her to beat me to the punch.
And what about the papers? You'd better nip down and see whether
Mavis has done them or not. Probably not. No doubt she's slumming
it in Southport with that young Gerry whatsisname, who's no better
than he should be. And where's Lucille Hewitt when you need her?"
Alec tut-tuts and makes a mental note to get Big Red to the GP
pronto.
Out in the Street, Toyah is propping up the wall outside
her house and pouting sulkily into middle distance. Yes, she's
in the doldrums, and the reason for her unhappiness - Spider -
is just a few yards behind her, swanning down the cobbles with
Embalmed Spice glued to his arm. Spider says hello to Toyah but,
understandably, she blanks him. (And anyone who would reproach
her for this will have me to deal with! Toyah is a goddess - along
with Janice by far the best thing to happen to CS in years - and
I will forgive her anything). Embalmed Spice tells Spider to ignore
her; she then suggests that while Aunty Em is away, they should
throw a party. Spider is enthusiastic and they set a date: this
coming Friday, at around 7.30, which ties in nicely with that
evening's episode broadcast.
Toyah continues to sulk once Spider and Embalmed Spice
have gone, and is comforted in her moment of need by Leanne. (Leanne
is sporting a T-shirt with the number 22 on it, one 2 per breast.
Is this some kind of statement? Is there a new sub-duvet position
- a 22 - that I've yet to hear about, let alone try out? I'm not
really in favour of T-shirts with slogans emblazoned across them,
although I did wear one once as a dare. It was a canary yellow
effort with heavy black print which said: "My boyfriend went
to Sitges and all he brought back for me was this lousy T-shirt.
Oh, that and herpes." The herpes bit was in small print -
so small that you practically had to risk catching herpes just
to read it). Anyway, Leanne consoles Toyah as best she can, while
Toyah tries to shrug the whole thing off and appear 'cool'. (You
don't even have to try, Toyah dearest, because you are far and
away the coolest thing to hit those cobbles in decades).
Cut to some dreary local surgery. Rita has had her
candlewick dressing gown surgically removed and is now deep in
conversation with her physician. He, for his part, looks like
a slightly delapidated version of that Bonnington fellow who climbs
mountains, presumably just because they're there. (Isn't that
a wonderful answer? Why do you climb mountains? Because they're
there! Years ago I tried to use the same line of reasoning when
my mother asked me why I fancied our next door neighbour's nineteen-year
old son. "Because he's there, mother," I said, hoping
my stupid answer would put paid to her stupid questions. "Well
in that case we'll move to number 45," she said. "It's
at the end of the row and the only neighbour you'll find there
is a sixty-seven year old man with senile dementia and halitosis
that could strip paint. Then we'll see who's boss." I think
my mother was trying to make a point, but her non-sequitur threw
me and I gave up). Anyway, Rita tells the GP that she has headaches,
fatigue, drowsiness - and she keeps forgetting things. The GP
tells her that such symptoms are quite understandable, given that
she's just had a near-death experience with a faulty heater. However,
she should feel better in time, time being a great healer in more
ways than one. However, although she will improve with time, it
would be better - in the short-term anyway - to have someone to
look after her. Big Red says that she has a very kind neighbour,
Alec Gilroy, who often looks out for her. Alec is duly called
in, but he sets the cat among the pigeons by suggesting that Rita
sell the shop and retire. One thing that Big Red has definitely
not forgotten and that's How To Go Ballistic. Alec's suggestion
sends her into unbridled apoplexy. The GP makes a note on her
record: "Hysterical woman in obvious advanced stages of menopause",
before shouting: "Next!"
Back in the Street, Curly is telling Alma about the
letter from Raquel. He adds that he's tired of playing Mr Nice
Guy and that if Raquel wants a divorce, she's got another thing
coming. (Well, Curly, it's precisely because she's got another
thing coming - Justin in Kuala Lumpah - that she wants a divorce,
but I shan't rub it in. In fact, once Viagra comes onto the market,
no man will ever have to rub it in again, but that's a different
story).
At the cafe, Spider tries to make amends with lovesick
Toyah, but the Goddess is having none of it. She tells him that
since he's been hanging round Embalmed Spice - another little
tart who's no better than she should be - he hasn't had time for
her. Spider tries to reassure her that that is not the case, but
Toyah sends him away with a flea in his ear. (Given that he probably
never washes his ears, it won't be lonely then, will it? There's
probably enough wax in Spider's ears to make a small model of
Sheena Easton as it is.)
In the Rovers, Weatherfield's answer to Eva Peron -
Audreh Roberts - is chatting to her friend and mentor, Fred Elliot.
Audreh says that she rues the day she ever decided to become a
councillor, given all the work that she has to do. Fred tells
her that her career as councillor would be enlivened considerably
if they could think of a really big event for the millenium celebrations
that would put Weatherfield on the map. (Don't talk to me about
the millenium celebrations. I've already written to Peter Mandelson
to tell him to scrap his idea for a Millenium Dome. I said, "You
should move with the times and plan a Millenium Cottage instead",
but I got no answer. There's another celebrity who's no better
than he should be. I even wrote to Gateshead council and told
them that their bloody great Angel is a mistake too. Knowing what
I know of Gateshead, a Rent Boy of the North would be a much more
appropriate statue. I got no answer to that either. New Labour?
Well they've got a lot to answer for in the correspondence department,
I can tell you.).
Anyway, at this point, Fred appears to go into what
can only be described as a catatonic trance. "Fred, what's
wrong?" says Audreh. "I've got it!" shouts Fred
triumphantly. "The world's biggest sausage!"
Now Fred is not making any claims here. When he says
"I've got it", then follows this up with the words "the
world's biggest sausage", he is not bragging. What he means
is that he's thought of an idea that would put Weatherfield on
the map. Produce the world's biggest sausage and you'll have Norris
McWhirter knocking at your door before you can say "Irish
terrorist".
"Oh, Fred, you can't be serious," says Audreh.
But Fred is more serious than he's been in quite a while. "How
would you," he says, "like to be the woman behind the
world's largest sausage?"
Well, I can spot a double-entendre blindfolded at three
hundred paces, and this was a double-entendre like no other I've
ever heard on CS. [Well, given that it's from the pen of the wondrous
John Stevenson, 'sausage' simply *has* to be be a double-entendre.
Incidentally, did you know that the French don't say 'double-entendre'?
No, they say 'double-entente', but then the French are a law unto
themselves and can get away with anything. Look at Sacha Distel.)
The 'sausage' business runs through most of the rest
of the episode like a leitmotif; at one point, Vera tells Alfeh
that Fred has been talking to Audreh 'about his sausage', while
Jack tells Fred that the only record he would ever win would be
not for the world's largest sausage, but for the world's smallest.
Now I thought I was unsubtle, but is John Stevenson trying to
tell us something about 'size' here? Well of course he is. So
I'll add my twopennyworth while it's still fresh in my mind.
On the subject of size, I always think back to a line
in "The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie", one of my favourite
films. "Six inches," says Miss Brodie, "is more
than adequate; anything more than that is vulgar!" Ostensibly,
of course, Miss Brodie is describing the extent to which a window
should be left open, but we are all old enough to read between
lines.
As for the phrase "size isn't everything",
well that was obviously coined by an under-endowed man with a
grudge. Okay, so no-one could seriously claim that they actually
enjoy making out with a guy so large that he could double as a
tripod in his spare time, but on the other hand I've never known
anyone fall over themselves to sleep with a man simply on the
basis that he is rumoured to be hung like a squirrel. And I've
never seen a porno film in which the leading lady moans, "Oh,
give it to me, small boy!" Nor is there a market for cosmetic
'penis reduction' surgery, as far as I'm aware. And the chat-up
line "I've got a prick the size of a Twiglet" probably
wouldn't work, although I'd have to ask someone like Diego Maradona
about that one. (If you saw the picture of him in the shower that
was shown on 'Fantasy Football' you'll know *exactly* what I'm
talking about. It was incredible: I've seen more meat on a vegetarian's
toothpick).
Anyway, I guess it's not how much you've got, but what
you do with it. And I think I'll leave it at that, don't you?
Anyway, Curly stymies Fred's plan when he tells him
that the world's longest sausage - according to the Guiness Book
of Records - is about 30 miles long. Fred knows that he couldn't
possibly emulate that, so begins to rethink his plans. What about
the world's largest black pudding? (Someone in our household made
a joke about Linford Christie at this point, but knowing how litigious
he is, I shan't repeat it). Or the world's largest meat pie? Or
how about the world's largest hotpot? Well in the end none of
his ideas go down that well, and so he cuts his losses and drags
Audreh off for a meal. Vera has seen all of Fred's flirting with
Audreh and tells Martin Platt that he should warn his mother-in-law
to be on her guard. And as I said a few moments ago, when Alfeh
comes into the Rovers, Vera has a field day telling him that Fred
has been regaling Audreh with stories about his sausage. Alfeh,
of course, is not best pleased, but then no man likes to think
that his wife has other men's sausages on her mind.
The rest of the episode was disappointingly lacklustre,
I'm afraid. Spider invites Toyah to his party; she says she's
got other things planned for Friday night, but is secretly delighted
to have been asked. Embalmed Spice tells Spider that he should
ignore Toyah's orchestrations towards him, and that she simply
has a teenage crush; Spider says that it would be a shame to alienate
Toyah and risk her losing her ideals and her spirit. Oh, and Vera
overhears Alec and Rita talking about possible retirement - but
catches only the part where he says that he is tired of working
with two stooges like the Duckworths, and would much rather run
the place on his own. This convinces Vera - who listens behind
doors with even more aplomb than my mother - that Alec wants to
buy her and Jack out and install Big Red behind the bar of the
Rovers.
The final shot is of Big Red locking up the Kabin for
the night - but forgetting to take the key out of the lock before
she goes. Does this mean that a burglary is in the offing? I fear
so. It's called 'foreshadowing with a sledgehammer', I think.
And that's me done for another week.
Love and hugs,
CP
Friday 7 August
Hallo Little Budgies!
It's approximately quarter past eight on a Sunny Friday
evening and I'm sitting at my desk, cold(ish) beer by my side,
the stereo humming softly, all ready to step into the Almighty
Shoes of Sir Alan "Tinky Winky" My- left-cheek who
is currently preoccupied getting his purple baby-grow dry cleaned.
Bear with me here, folks, since while I may have done a Weekly
Update not so long ago this is my first Daily Update and, from
what I hear, it's not as easy to do as the Weekly One. Let's
find out shall we?
[Tonight's episode is sponsored by Cadbury's Astro's,
the confectionary product to boast the most alarming slogan I've
ever seen: "So delicious, they're doomed!" Doomed???
Who on Earth wants their chocolates to be "doomed"?
I certainly don't, so needless to say, I'll be staying well away
from Cadbury's Astro's...]
We open innocuously enough with Toyah jogging out of
the front door (in a jogging suit, no less) to chirpily greet
Leanne, who is up early to do the papers for Rita. They exchange
words about Spider's party, which has been planned for tonight,
en route to the Kabin and then, lo and behold, arrive to find
the place has been ransacked. There's mess all over the floor,
the cigarettes have been robbed and a weary-faced Leanne exclaims
the rather restrained "OHHH NO!"
Cut to Curly Watts in his dressing gown, who is practicing
his impression of Droopy The Dog in the mirror, by pulling his
face into a variety of interesting mutations, obviously still
feeling self-concious about the way he looks (I fail to see how
this face-pulling exercise will make him feel better in this respect...).
This ridiculously brief interlude is quickly followed by yet another
split-second scene of Leanne hammering on Rita's door and telling
an irate Alec Gilroy about the Kabin break-in. Stressed Alec is
as frantic as ever, dashing off, "Keystone Cops"-style,
into the store.
Meanwhile, in the cafe, a fully dressed Curly (that
was quick!) is ordering a bacon buttie from Toyah. Toyah tells
him, excitedly, about what happened at the Kabin and Curly 'tut
tuts' and feels sorry for Rita. RToyota obviously has other things
on her mind as she's quick to change the subject over to Spider's
Party and is more than a little obvious in intent, trying to weasel
it out of Curly that he still has a crush on Lorraine. He gets
all defensive and she tells him he's "too straight"
and needs to get a haircut, some new clothes and just generally
make himself more interesting. "Oh cheers", groans Curly,
"you really know how to start a person's day off don't you?"
Just as Curly leaves, the one and only Fred Elliot
makes a typically rowdy entrance, demanding a slice of currant
bread with "real butter and none of that chemical nonsense"
in the way that only Fred Elliot can. It turns out he's here to
meet RAlfeh, who is already seated at one of the tables. Alf seems
techy and Fred asks him what's bothering him. "I'll tell
you what's bothering me, Fred Elliot" he spits, "YOU
ARE. You and your involvement with my wife!" Fred looks suitably
taken off-guard, fearing that his lurid plans for "the Fragrant
Lady" may just have been rumbled.
Alec and Rita are standing in the ruins of the Kabin's
display, picking things up and waiting for the police to arrive.
Alec is adamant on calling the insurance company but Rita is quite
certain it's her fault for leaving the key in the front door.
She isn't 100% sure and Alec plays on this, obviously wanting
to squeeze as much money as possible from the insurance. She catches
on quick and expresses she's "not about to start lying for
the sake of some fags". Alec tries his best to change her
mind and in the end they reach a compromise. He will call the
insurance company but he makes a promise to Rita there will be
no "half-truths". (Oddly, "out and out lies"
are not ruled out...)
Back in the Cafe, Fred is trying (badly) to explain
himself to Alfeh regarding his plans for Audreh and the world's
longest sausage. (Updater's Note: If you've not read the Update
for Wednesday's Episode, I suggest you do so or else you could
be fooled into thinking I'm talking about something *very* rude
here...) Alf is having none of it and demands to know why Fred
took his wife out to dinner last night. Fred says in a very matter-of-fact
tone it was a "Simple working meal to evaluate the probable
advantages of such a project in advancing her Council Career."
Pah! As if! The Lecherous Liver-Merchant had only one thing on
his mind and as Alf points out in possibly the most blatant innuendo
I've ever seen on The Street: "YOU KEEP YOUR SAUSAGE TO YOURSELF!!"
The mind boggles...
Now we move over to another poor soul who's "unlucky
in love", Curly Watts again, this time creeping around Fringes
By Fiona looking for the Missing Muppet. She's not present and
Maxine asks if she can help. Curly says he supposes she can and
asks to be booked in for a lunch appointment, arousing Max's attention
when he points out he's after more than just a trim, a complete
overhaul in fact. She says she's got plenty of pictures he can
choose from and a delighted but nervous Curly says he looks forward
to seeing them at Lunchtime... Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Returning to the Kabin where Alec & Rita are still
wading through the wreckage, Alec discovers a whole pile of FINAL
NOTICE bills lying around on the floor. He sweeps them up and
hides them from the Big Red One as she informs him he's due over
at The Rover's for a meeting with the Duckworth's. At the Rover's
Vera, who has suddenly become the Queen of Paranoia, is rabbiting
away to Jack about how worried she is that Alec is plotting some
nefarious scheme with Rita to out the Duckies from the Rovers'
staff. Jack attempts to be the voice of reason, explaining that
they have a legal contract which states they own half the pub,
but Vera harps on about some far-fetced buying out nonsense. The
scriptwriters appear to be going nowhere fast with this one as
I'm falling asleep. Alec enters soon afterwards and in a boring,
stilted scene which really makes no use at all out of three great
actors, they fart around the "Is this partnership still solid?"
question. A confused Alec assures them it is as long as they stop
pulling him away from "important business" to answer
"stupid questions". Vera gets all snotty about Alec's
"important business" stating that "a cuppa tea
with Rita Sullivan is hardly important" before Alec drops
the bombshell about the recently done over Kabin. Vera looks highly
embarrassed. I was looking equally embarrassed at what a poorly
written and largely pointless scene this was.
END OF PART ONE
The ad-break is duller than usual, which is saying
something! As Frank Zappa once sang "Plastic People... You
gotta go-oh... Plastic People.. You gotta go-oh"... Does
*anyone* in real life look *anything* like these ad-people do?
If I ran into one of these people on the street, I'd be scared!
I'd think the Robots were taking over the Earth! So the less said
about the break the better, let's move swiftly along to...
PART TWO
An unusually flirty Maxine greets Curly with enthusiasm in the
Salon, anxious to go through his shopping bags. She expresses
delight in his choice of new clothes contained within the bags
and he moans that it cost him a fortune. She sits him down and
tells him she has an idea for the perfect haircut. As she fiddles
with his fringe in the style we've become accustomed to she *gasp*
notices he has *gasp* had his ear pierced! Twice in one ear, no
less! She says it's "really cool" but it looks tres
daft. Upon seeing a picture of the haircut she plans to give him,
Curly yelps concern that "it's a bit bold" (bold, not
bald... thank GOD!) but Maxine says it "makes a statement"
and as she wraps a sheet over Curly's body, he looks at his own
reflection, terrified, and gulps "Let's make a statement."
I don't want to go against the grain here, but I think Tracy Shaw
and Kevin Kennedy need to have more scenes together. She actually
seems to act a lot better around him, I've noticed, and in this
scene, pulled off a reasonable performance... Well, for a muppet,
anyway. ;))
David Copperfield has a disguised cameo role now as
a young man in a lumberjack shirt. As Alec escorts the said young
man out of the Kabin and thanks him for his help we then see that
the whole store has been restored to normal and there isn't so
much as a scratch on the wallpaper. What can I say? It must be
magic! He also, in an uncharacteristic act of generousity, gives
Leanne a tenner "for all her help" and sends her to
lunch. He then, awkwardly, approaches Rita (who's shoulder-pads
are reaching Dallas Proportions) and shows her the FINAL NOTICE
bills he picked up earlier. She is very briefly angered that he
read them but then berates herself for being so forgetful. He
comforts her and sends her off to bed, promising to sort them
all out, then come up and settle them with her after Leanne gets
back.
The Rover's: Mike Baldwin is chatting to Gruesome Greg
about "knicker parties" which is badly explained (before
the watershed, I guess, or maybe just poor writing) but appears
to be a kind of Ann Summers-esque concept, through which Baldwin
gets to send a representative or two out to someone's house to
model knickers... (Just to let you know... I'm not making this
up) Baldwin suggests that Liz McDonald is sent out to be the model
(!!) and in the only good line I've ever seen Greg deliver he
says, flabbergasted, "Don't you think she's a bit... cheap
looking? She might frighten your regular housewives off!"
(and to think they say the producers don't read RATUCS!!! LOL!)
Greg then offers an alternative in, yup you guessed it, Sally
Webster. Mike says she'll never do it, but Gruesome Greg winks:
"Leave it with me"...
Just then, Les Battersby makes a welcome return to
the cast as he enters the Rovers' and approaches the Knicker Party
Debating Society. Baldwin beats a hasty retreat and Les starts
yapping about Spider's party, wondering if Greg wants to gate-crash
it with him since "there's free nosh and there's bound to
be plenty of ale"! Greg says he has other plans and Les enquires
if that might be plans of a female nature. "Could be"
replies the woodentopped smarmy git.
A deadly dull exchange occurs now in Rita's flat between
her and Alec as he tells her about her bills and then offers her
a holiday. She doesn't feel up to being alone right now but Alec's
already booked her in for a nice break with Mavis Wilton in the
Lake District. Aww. Rita makes excuses but Alec has a plaster
for every sore. In the end she agrees to taking the trip and even
looks vaguely excited at the prospect.
...And now it's party time at Spider's house and some
awfully generic techno music (must be Lorraine's...) is playing
while young, brightly- clothed people bop around. Spider, who
now seems to be joined at the shoulder with his Siamese Twin,
Lorraine, stands chatting with Leanne and Nicky The Plank about
the Kabin break-in. Leanne, bottle of Metz (Metz, not Meths!!)
in hand, slurs something about CID coming to dust down the place.
Toyah is lurking around nursing a massive 2 litre bottle of Olde
English Cider and looking a tad worse for wear... Ut oh! I spy
with my little eye something beginning with T... TROUBLE!!! :)
The doorbell rings and Spider takes Toyah with him
to answer it, as she appears on the verge of starting a fight
with Lorraine and he warns her about the strength of that Cider.
As they talk, Whoopsie Boy (who is looking camper than ever with
extra-fluffy Timotei-enhanced blonde locks) minces past the both
of them and opens the door to the New-Look 1990's Essential Well-Hard
Crucial Remix of Curly Watts.
I must be well out of touch with fashion since, despite
everyone at the party (including Lorraine of all people!) saying
how swank Curly looks, I thought he looked like Moron Of The Month.
Bob Hope-style golfing trousers accompanied a garish orange shirt,
black leather jacket, bleach- blonde hair and tinted 80's glasses
(once again folks, I should stress, I'm *not* making this up..).
Toyah talks to Lorraine about how "fanciable" the new
Curly looks but, although Smiley Spice is clearly impressed by
him she says "I'd rather stick to Spider". Toyah seethes,
gulps some more cider down and a major confrontation seems inevitable...
Back at the Rovers' Paranoid Vera is *still* going
on and on at poor ol' Jack about losing the pub (Please writers,
put us out of our misery! If they're going to lose it, let them
lose it quick, leave out the conspiracy theories already!!!) this
time suspecting that Rita will retire from the Kabin and take
Alec with her, leaving Jack & Vera to find a new partner...
Or some such rubbish. In all honesty, this storyline is brushing
shoulders with the Greg/Sally one in the boredom stakes.
On the other side of the bar, The Gruesome One Himself
is chatting with the increasingly perverted Fred Elliot, who seems
to be drunk. He's asking Greg about his conquests with women and
wondering if the rumours are true that Greg has all the women
in the street wanting him, married or single. Woodentop gets worried,
thinking Fred knows about *whisper* the affair but then Fred launches
into a tirade about how messing with married women can cause a
man stress. Greg says "I wouldn't know" and then in
a wonderfully timed bit of irony ALF *and* SALLY enter the pub
at the same time!
The Portly Letch excuses himself, Alf seemingly vanishes
into thin air and Sally takes to the bar beside Big Chief Woodentop.
She orders "two cans of lager and two packets of cheese and
onion crisps" which is quite pathetic considering she could
have got these items far more convieniently and at half the price
down the local off-license. Of course, the fact that she doesn't
and she's in the Rovers' instead gives Greg a chance to smarm
her into this "knicker party" idea (do storylines get
much worse than this, I ask you???) saying it's a good excuse
for the two of them to be together three nights a week without
suspicion. However, quite what Greg's role in the "knicker
parties" is and why he is going to be there at all goes completely
without explanation. On the Scriptwriters' report card, I write
"Could Do Better"...
Back at the party and Curly is chatting up one of Spider's
blonde, female friends, "Lucy", who seems inexplicably
impressed as he recites a list of astronomical terminology. It
obviously goes over her head but she nods in awe, nonetheless,
as he waffles on about "the theory of gravitivity" and
what-not... He talks further bollocks, she batters her eyelids
and they reach a mutual conclusion that she would like to "see
his telescope". No don't worry, he means it literally and
offers to "set up his observatory" as long as she stays
put as doesn't talk to anyone else while he goes next door. As
he tries to beat a hasty retreat he is accosted by first, Spider
("Not now, Spider!"), secondly Toyah ("Not now,
Toyah!") and finally Les Battersby, who has gate-crashed
looking for booze and shares my opinion on how ridiculous Curly
looks in his new gear. As Curly leaves, Les makes a bee-line for
his new girl and "Lucy" seems quite impressed by the
Boozing Battersby... Obviously, this girl is *very* drunk.
Meanwhile at the Rovers', Greg and Sally smarm nauseatingly
to each other while harping on about this "knicker party"
business. I take time out to vomit, so can't give you any precise
detail, but when I arrive back Greg has planted the Seed Of Evil
in Sally's mind with regards to her, Kevin and the Garage. As
she leaves, he grins like a reject from "The Omen" auditions.
Back at the party, Les is wow'ing "Lucy"
with stories (which may or may not be true) of how he used to
be a roadie for the Beatles in Hamburg before he joined the fair.
Just then, Curly gets back and the testosterone levels in the
room reach boiling point! They argue with much vitriol about who
she's interested in and in the end come to the conclusion that
the only way to find out is to ask her. However, by the time they've
finished yelling at each other, she is settled in the corner with
a very camp looking gentleman in a dinky leather waistcoat. At
this point, Toyah walks over to them ("Not Now, Toyah!"
in unison) and ut oh... she's not feeling well... ut oh... *BLEEHHHHH*
All over Les, she gets rid of some of that excess cider. Whoopsie!
Spider tells an soaked and irate Les to take the poor
girl home while Curly and Lucy exchange words. Lucy tells Curly
she was only being nice because she could tell he was trying so
hard to fit in (OUCH!!!) and, in a diplomatic way, says she'd
still like to see his telescope. Curly retains a shred of pride,
says "I don't think so" and storms out.
Finally, over at the Webster's place, Kevin asks Sally
why she had been so long getting the lager and crisps in. She
lies and says she was talking to the girls at the pub and then
says awkwardly "I've had second thoughts about the garage"
(*Second* thoughts, Sally??? Don't you mean 20,000th thoughts??)
and drops the bomb on Kevin that she won't give him the money.
He looks gobsmacked... again. Cue credits.
All in all, a fairly pedestrian episode. I was expecting
a lot more from the party scenes for a start. The amount of alcohol
being consumed by the jealous Toyah signalled for a tearful,
highly emotive confrontation with that vapid cow Lorraine but
alas, all we got was an underplayed "sick scene". Tonight
was lacking in emotion altogether really. The Greg/Sally plot
reached all time lows with this absurd "knicker party"
nonsense, Rita's forgetfulness is becoming boringly predictable
and the paranoid excesesses of Vera Duckworth are about as interesting
as one of Ken Barlow's sweaters. Still, with Corrie I've learnt
that if you brave the dull episode here and there you will ultimately
be rewarded with something wonderful and unmissably fab within
a very short time and I'm quite prepared to make that sacrifice.
Anyway, RAnnie will be handling next week's Friday
Update since it takes Sir Alan a long time to properly dry-clean
a Purple Baby-Grow. Rest assured, it'll be a good one! :)
This Friday Update Was Sponsored By The Horatii (what
I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking).
Sunday 9 August
Well, here we are. It's 7.31pm on Sunday, 9th August
1998 and I am enjoying Warrington v St. Helens on Sky Sports.
I'm sure there's something else I should be doing though. Why
is the VCR recording?
[So, John Laird is sunning himself, etc. and it's
down to me to let you Corrie-lovers know what's happening in
Weatherfield.
I'm not sure exactly when I should post this, but
Monday's update has appeared on ratucs, so I guess now is as
good a time as any!
I've been watching CS on and off since 1960 - too
young to remember the first series (honest!) but I recall it
was in black & white... As a resident of Weatherfield (aka
Salford) I *had* to watch! And I still live there.
Well, enough of these ramblings, on with the show...
It's a very busy episode, so pay attention at the back]
On that VCR: Credits roll, the cat settles down, and
a supposedly hungover. Toyota stares into a coffee mug. Les appears,
moaning about what she did to his new shirt. "It'll wash
out". "Not the smell, it never does. It lingers, does
vomit". Janice recommends bicarb[onate] of soda as a hangover
cure. "Won't cure a broken heart", comments Les in his
best compassionate voice (i.e. shouting). He has a go at Toyah
who responds back by calling Les pathetic and telling him to stop
gatecrashing parties at his age. Janice knows why Les was there
- "looking for totty". He was only there to set the
poor girl an example, of course. "God help her then"
says Janice. And Les isn't hungover, he's got a headache - "must
have been drinking from a dirty glass" [thinks: must try
that one sometime].
Anyway, from trouble in the Battersby Household to
strife at the Webster's. Kevin can't understand why Sally has
changed her mind about the money. "It's difficult to say"
comments Sally. [I bet it is] She want's to put it somewhere safe,
like a building society. Not long there and it's over to Saturday
morning at the café, where Janice is explaining to Roy
that Toygirl will be late. Janice tells him to dock her pay -
"don't worry", says Roy, "the clock doesn't start
running until the pinny's on". Conveniently, Spider is there
with his chum Curly, so Janice can blame him for Toyah's condition.
Lots of links tonight, as Ida Clough walks through the door to
ask Hayley if she is coming in to work today. Hayley asks Ida
if she is better. Ida seems to have no other reason for being
there as she urges Hayley to get a move on. The café is
becoming as popular as the Rovers for people to pop in to without
buying anything. No way to run a business, if you ask me.
Meanwhile, in the Kabin, Ken Barlow is browsing through
"Only 16" magazine while Alec explains that Rita has
"gone away for a few days". Only 16 has very short publishing
schedules, as we are about to find out when Toyota conveniently
walks in. And there, on Page 22, is Letter of the Week! (posted
only last Monday). Worth £10 at that. At the factory, Mike
puts on a smug grin; Sally giggles in the background (ugh) and
Ida tells Mike that she's been flat on her back for a week. Sally
wants a quiet word with Mike - she's obviously planning the same
thing herself! Ida struggles to get back into the swing so Helpful
Hayley ("a little treasure") comes to the rescue.
Back at Roy's place, Janice's mood is brightened with
news of Toyota's windfall and over at the garage Nastily arrives
to hear bad news from Kevin. Nastily is not pleased.
Mike is handing out the pay packets. No bonus, though.
Then (at last) drama time Hayley can't understand why her tax
has not been sorted out [no time here to explain our Pay As You
Earn tax deduction system to non-Brits!]. Mike blames it on the
authorities, who claim Hayley is Harold! Mike can't understand.
Hayley develops a sudden attack of hay fever.
Ad break: Just time to see St Helens take the lead
16-12 before it's back to a worried factory. Hayley mops her tears
while Ida comforts her. I know the problem, says Ida, "I
was paying emergency tax for weeks". [Ha! She has no idea].
Lunchtime, and at the Rovers Ken talks to Vera about
Rita's unexpected vacation and Alec's unwanted management at the
Kabin; Mike has some good news for Greg - Sally has changed her
mind. Mike asks Greg to show her the ropes [hmmm bondage]. At
the caff Toyota gets compliments from Spider about her letter.
She apologises to Spider about the carpet. Hayley arrives at the
café for lunch, but is not hungry. Roy looks puzzled [oh
no, that's his normal expression]. Back at the Rovers Sally tells
Curly that Ida thinks he is really cute. Audreh wants to know
if Curly has any rings on any other part of his body than his
ears. Mike tells Sally that she and Greg will make a great team.
At the Battersby's, we discover that Only 16 not only has good
deadlines but a very efficient accounts department, as the £10
cheque arrives "second post". Still, it's moves the
conversation on from Janice having a go at Les about letting Toygirl
get drunk. And not only has Toyo won £10, but the offer
of a further £50 to write an article! Les now decides he
is a writer and offers to share the money. Toyota declines, less
than politely, and suggests "Our Sad Dad" as a title.
Over at the Rovers (again), Kevin tells Natalie that he can't
understand what's happening and Curly gets complimented by Maxine
(but won't go out on a date). It's enough to drive him to drink,
I'm sure. Nastily informs Kevin that Sally will have to pay for
her solicitor's time. Betty comforts Curly.
No time to pause for breath, It's all action today
- The Webster's are both back home from work. Kevin shouts at
Sally (what's new) as they argue, again, about the garage. The
kids don't get sent upstairs, as they are round at Gail's. Sally
thinks Nastily has a "flaming nerve" to want her to
pay the solicitor's fees but agrees, snarling (well, as best as
Sally can) "she'll never get her hands on my money".
Ah, quality at last? - Hayley pops round to the café
after work to find Roy clearing up. Gail has gone (to look after
everyone's kids, I suppose). Roy notices that Hayley is quiet
and asks if it is his fault. She reassures him. Roy says that
he would like to think they can be open and honest with one another.
Hayley responds by commenting that that was what she was attracted
to in the first place. "I don't think we are over the worst
yet" says Hayley. "I-I-I will be there. I'm a lot stronger
than people think" is Roy's response. "I won't let you
down". Roy holds Hayley's hand. Brilliant!
At home, Mike tells Alma that Hayley is a fella! Alma
panics. Mike laughs and tells her it's only a computer error.
Alma asks Mike if he has told anyone, because it's true! "Flipping
Ada!". Cue end credits.
Quickly back to Sky - Saints have scored again. 36-12
with 18 minutes to go. Not worth watching the rest - time for
an evening walk in what's left of today's sunshine.
Tonight's episode written by Phil Woods.
Everything in the programme (but not this update) is, of course,
the copyright of ITV Television Limited.
P.S. Phew, so that's what it's like to write an update.
Suddenly I'm filled with admiration for all those worthy souls
that do this week in, week out. Having said that, I have enjoyed
doing this - you definitely see the programme in a different light!
So, here's to next Sunday
Sandy
Monday 10 August
Evenin' All!
Phew! It seems the English Summertime has hit us good
and proper at long last (I say English not British since in Scotland
they're stuck in a time-warp it would appear!). As I sit melting
at the keyboard writing this it *has* to be in the mid-30's already
which is tropical temperatures for a Blizzard Beast like myself.
;) And yes, it's me again. I know I did the Friday Update for
Alan and now I'm doing the Monday Update for that big cuddly
teddy bear who is also known as Dewey. Apologies due to anyone
who finds my grammatically dubious style of writing to be irritating
but it's just the way the scheduling cookie crumbles! So without
further wibbling, here's....
The Rattler's Monday Update
We begin pretty much where Sunday's episode left off
with an exasperrated Alma trying to explain to a typically pig-headed
Baldwin exactly what Hayley's history is all about. Baldwin, ever
a pillar of understanding, intelligence and rationale (cough!)
is thoroughly unable to comprehend any of it and is still stuck
at the "Why are we calling a him a she?" hurdle! Mike
is not making progess at all and when Alma attempts to reason
with him, explaining how Hayley has been a woman all her life
where it counts, he states "In my head I've been a millionaire
all my life, but it hasn't made me one has it?"...
As Alma seethes with frustration, he is annoyed that
he's taken Hayley on at Underworld without knowing her past and
seems under the impression that his most recent employee is a
"fellow in a frock who uses the ladies". Alma spells
it out slowly and in big letters "No, you have taken on a
transexual" but Baldwin says, ignorantly, "But that's
what I said" before launching into a lengthy and foul tirade
about when he was growing up in South End "these sort of
people" were "in sideshows"!! As Alma (and a nation
of viewers no doubt!) grind their teeth in disgust, Mike implies
that he's going to fire her. Alma frantically tries to disuade
him, saying that Hayley is no threat to which Mike responds venomously
"She is... He is... not a threat... An embarrassment! Not
just to me... To everybody!" [Personally I'd be embarrassed
if I was as a barely evolved neanderthal oaf like Mike Baldwin,
but that's another story...] Alma looks furious as she explains
"if you do this, it will be the cruellest thing you ever
did" and eventually she gets him to compromise (!) by "thinking
about it"...
Take a deep breath and cut to a restrained, normal-looking
Curly coming out of the door into the rain. Obviously the aforementioned
British Summertime hasn't hit Weatherfield yet. Toyah accosts
him on the street and giggles "So you're not trendy all the
time then?"... Mr Watts is not impressed and explains that
since he is a supermarket manager he must dress accordingly. Toyah
giggles some more and continues down the street.
And now it's time for something completely different...
Or not. As per usual, Sally and Kevin are packing the girls into
the car. As per usual Kevin says "go wait in the car".
As per usual he and Sally start to argue. As per usual they go
through the "Forget about it" / "Fine!" lines
followed by (as per usual) the "You're trying to run my life,
blah blah, I'm under pressure, yadda yadda, Mum's money blah blah,
baked beans, yadda yadda" / "What's going on, Sal? Yadda
yadda, you're so indecisive, blah blah, Spaghetti Hoops, yadda
yadda" dialogue... zzzzz.... Is it just me that's getting
Deja Vu here? Is it just me that's getting Deja Vu here? Is it
ju... oh sod it, that joke's going nowhere.
Back outside on the street now as Hayley and Janice
are approaching Underworld. Sir Royston is outside, as ever, sandwich
in hand and Janice ribs Hayley about what a "good friend"
he is. Hayley tells Roy he will have to stop doing this or she'll
gain weight. Roy, of course, has made sure "it's all low-fat"!
What a star! :) Just then, Mike Baldwin shows up in his car. Hayley
greets him in a spritely way but he simply grunts back a deeply
unpleasant "Mornin'" before heading into the factory.
Hayley decides she'd best get going and gives Roy a peck on the
cheek. Aww. :)
Meanwhile in the Kabin, Toyah is leaning over the counter
whispering suspiciously to Ken about her schoolwork. Alec is pretending
to tidy up the magazines in the background but is obviously attempting
to listen in, wondering presumably what a 15 year old girl could
possibly have to say to an aging (not to mention (mostly) boring)
school-teacher. She's sick of writing everything out twice and
wants a computer. Unfortunately, Ken's broke down 2 years ago
(thank God, the poor bloke'd be shocked at some of the things
we write about him on the 'Net!) and he hasn't one to lend her.
Alec butts in at this stage and pompously informs Toyah that in
his day they didn't need computers. She rolls her eyes, quips
at him and storms out and at this stage he decides to metamorph
into a Facist Dictator... Err moreso than usual, I mean. He starts
bossing Ken about in a way that makes the usual Alec seem restrained
(!) telling him to wipe the shelves down and wash the windows.
Ken wonders why they don't get a window cleaner to do the latter
task but Fidel Gilroy sees this as being disrespectful and proceeds
to insult the poor guy about his "attitude", hinting
that this is why he has trouble keeping jobs! Ouch... Just when
I thought Alec was mellowing out with age (see: The Rita Storyline)
and they throw this at us!
In the garage, Natalie presents Kevin with a bill for
her solicitor's, to give to Schizo Sally. Good ol' Nat realises
there's something wrong with the Marriage From Hell and attempts
to comfort the Meatheaded Mechanic by telling him she's getting
no pleasure from this and gently putting her arm round him. Kevin
informs her that he too, is getting no pleasure at all out of
it... The plot thickens... *stifles yawn*
Gruesome Greg and Baldwin are in the latter's office,
wittering on about these stupid knicker parties, but are thankfully
interrupted by Alma, who wants a quick word with Mike. Woodentop
exits sharpish and the Baldwins begin to talk. Alma is feeling
"absolutely awful" as guilt runs through her for telling
him in the first place about Hayley's past. Mike, ignorant of
his wife's guilt, asks boarishly "Does Cropper know?"
Alma, with a priceless look in her eyes, says "Yes he knows
and he's being very helpful and supportive... AND KIND" which
prompts an incredulous enquiry from Mike as to whether Roy is
also a transexual! Alma begs and begs for Mike not to sack her
and not to tell anyone, but he is under the impression that by
not telling people he is somehow lying to them and "covering
up for her"! Alma says that, if it'll help, she'll tell Hayley
that Mike knows (A-ha, she's obviously figuring out how to appeal
to his faulty logic) and he agrees not to tell anyone else, stating
he "doesn't have time to be gossiping to that lot out there
anyway". Alma leaves the office, steps out into the factory
and nervously asks Hayley to come over to her flat for lunch...
Hayley is excited at the prospect.
In the Battersby Household, Toyah is hankering for
a computer from Les in a bit of a cliche'd "All me mates
have got one" type of scene. Les, however, who is obviously
an expert (and probably programs in COBOL when he gets some spare
time.. ahem) tells her that "all your mates will be in for
a right shock come the Year 2000 when all the computers in the
world will 'BLOW UP"!'... *teehee* Where did he get this
precious knowledge, you may ask? "From a bloke down the bookie's!"
So it *must* be for real. ;)) Janice enters, looking stressed,
and Les demands she makes lunch as quick as possible so he can
get a pint in before they close. "Mummmm, can I have a computer?"
pines Toyah but Janice seems about as receptive as Les to the
idea and wants Toyah to help with making the food. Toyah sulks.
It's lunch-time and Hayley is entering the Baldwin
Abode... Hayley is happy to be back there and waxes nostalgic
on how the last time she was there (for the dinner party) was
the first time she met Roy... Awww. Of course, this mood is soon
to change as a nearly tearful Alma admits she has a confession
to make. And made it is... Hayley stares at the ground in disbelief
and whispers the question... "So now everyone will know?"
END OF PART ONE
Sod the ad-break. It's naff and you know it! :)
PART TWO
We resume where we left off. Alma is pouring Hayley
a glass of orange juice and is still highly fretful and regretful
of what she's done. She tries to imply that Mike's "insensitive"
image is just a mask he puts on and there's a lot more to him
(there is?) and Hayley concedes that Alma wouldn't have married
him if there wasn't. Alma assures her that he won't tell anyone
but, as she herself has proved and as Hayley points out "These
things have a way of getting out". Alma is utterly devastated
but an equally upset but diplomatic Hayley tells her friend that
no matter what happens she'll never blame her for it. The question
on Alma's mind is why this "computer error" never came
up when Hayley was working at Firman's. Hayley explains that the
woman who did the wages had come up to her one day, said "they're
calling you Harold!" and had then laughed the whole thing
off as a joke.
As a contrast to the tense Hayley/Baldwin drama we
now are treated to an utterly priceless comedy scene between Ken
and Toyah (is it just me or is this the best storyline they've
given Ken in years?). She has written an essay and as Ken reads
it out aloud (correcting the grammatical errors ["There should
be a comma here"] as he goes) he starts sounding a mite worried.
I can't resist the temptation to reprint the whole wonderful gem,
so here is Toyah's essay:
"When I was a kid, grown-ups used to say 'Act
your age!'... Now I'm saying to them, 'Dress your age!' Keep your
thieving hands off our clothes, off our hairstyles and off our
fashions. Alright, we know that your's are boring.. All shirts
and suits and ties.. but that's no reason for stealing our's!
We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but
come on, oldies, wear your own boring grey clothes and leave the
good stuff where it belongs... with the teenagers!"
Ken stops at this point and Toyah assumes it's because
he hates her essay. He says it's not bad and that she has a point
of view and a right to express it but then goes on to awkwardly
ask... "Is this article an attack on me?" ROFL!!! I
nearly split my spleen laughing at that! It doesn't sound anywhere
near as funny in print but the way he said it was brilliant, trust
me. Ken seems relieved as Toyah explains the obvious, that it's
about Curly. Ken thinks it's "perfect for the magazine, just
what they've been looking for" in this case. I'm still giggling...
...Until the mood is completely contrasted in the next
scene. Hayley is exiting the ladies' loos at Underworld and, sadly,
Baldwin is standing nearby. She is shocked to see him standing
there, arms folded, staring evilly (and boy do I mean evil..).
She fights back an urge to say something... anything... and scaredly
hurries off. His stare is unbroken. Greg appears behind him and
quips "they spend half their time in the toilet don't they?"
and just out of earshot Mike mumbles "which one, though?",
refusing to break that stare... *shudder*
Cut to the Webster household at the dinner table. Kev
and Sal stare at clean plates and the Gurrrrls are nowhere in
sight which indicates it probably wasn't much of a dinner, as
ever. Kev hands her Natalie's solicitor's bill and moronically
offers to pay it himself. Sally says she doesn't mind paying,
which is precisely the reason why she's going back into work now.
"Eh?" grunts Meathead... Sally translates this to English
and explains she has to discuss some "new ideas" with
Greg and Mike. "GRUG???" shouts Kevin, in a voice loud
enough to make me jump off my chair, to which Sally assures him
it's not just Greg, Baldwin will be there too. (Ooh, you lying
cow. ;)) Then they degenerate into the all too familiar, standard
issue "yadda yadda, life of my own, blah blah, spaghetti
shapes" / "blah blah, you've got a family to run, yadda
yadda, beans on toast" arguments that we have heard time
and time again which, as ever, reach no conclusion... Zzzzz...
Is it just me that's getting dej... Nah, unlike the scriptwriters,
I try *not* to recycle my lines. ;P
Curly (who I'm getting sorely tempted to nickname Clueless
Curly at the moment...), wearing dreadfully baggy combat trousers,
a yellow top and a leather jacket indoors, answers the door to
a bouncy Toyah who eyes his clothing up and down. "Off with
the supermarket gear and on with the >>>motley<<<"
he says. *GUFFAW* And I thought *I* was uncool! She wants to borrow
his computer but Curly is understandably reluctant since it's
quite likely she's never even touched one before in her life (actually
he probably just doesn't want to run the risk of her finding his
alt.sex.fantasy.supermarket-manager archives ;)). She knows what
she's doing, however, and tells him how muuuuch younger he looks
in those new clothes. *ding* We have a winnner! He lets her in...
:)
Sally is crossing the road and encounters Natalie,
who I must say has been looking a *lot* younger in the last few
episodes. Sally is acting snotty and asks in a very patronising
manner if a cheque will be ok to pay the solicitor's bill. Natalie
can hold her own however and starts on Sally about her irrational
behaviour towards Kevin. Natalie remarks on how it seems Sally
hates her husband (you think??) but Spaghetti Sal insists her
marriage is not open to discussion. As she heads into the factory,
Natalie shouts to her "At this rate, you won't have a marriage
left to discuss!"
Meanwhile in the cafe, Roy is doing a stock check.
Hayley knocks on the door and he lets her in, telling her they
might be "Overdue a trip to the cash 'n carry", since
some items seem low. She offers to make coffee for both of them
and Roy asks how she is. She smiles and tells him to do his orders.
"We'll talk later"...
In the Rover's Curly orders a pint off of Natalie,
then remembers that Corrie seems to have got a new sponsorship
deal with Budweiser (anyone else notice how much Bud has been
drank lately??) and changes his order. As he swills his overpriced
fizzy piss, Baldwin starts asking him awkward questions about
Hayley's time at Firman's. Curly says she was "a great worker,
reliable, honest, err... great!" but Mike persists, asking
if there was anything "peculiar" about her. Curly gets
fed up of this line of interrogation pretty quickly and tells
him to ask Alma instead, since she could tell far more about Hayley
than he ever could. "She already has..." is the almost-too-predictable
response...
Over at Underworld, Gruesome Greg and Sally are pouring
wine and grinning in a bizarre manner that makes them look a few
beers short of a good party. They giggle like schoolgirls and
Sally talks to Greg in the same sloooow, sing-songy way you might
talk to a small child or animal. I think she would have got a
more realistic response, acting-wise, from either than from Stephen
Billington who is more stilted and monosyllabic than ever in this
scene. To cut a long story short they briefly discuss the abysmal
knicker parties, the garage and MONEY. Greg asks question after
question about her MONEY and is so darn blatant about it, you'd
think Sally was Deidre Rachid to fall for all this rubbish. "Where's
the money kept, exactly?" is an example question but Sally
casually reels off all this information like a robot before going
back to asking about the knicker parties! ARGH! *puke*
As those two smarm their way into oblivion, Kevin sits
at home in the dark watching TV. Rursie (or is it Surphie? I dunno,
it's the one that looks like Regan from "The Exorcist")
comes down the stairs and asks if mummy's out. Kevin says, mournfully,
she's out working but that even if she wasn't she'd be out...
"Anywhere but here"... then realises who he's talking
to and says that's just "daddy being silly". He changes
the subject to ask what she's been doing then takes her upstairs.
Honestly, it's scenes like this that prove how strong this storyline
*could* be if it was handled right. I actually felt pity for both
Kevin *AND* the girls in this low-key but emotional scene. What
a shame that the Greg/Sally or Sally/Kevin scenes are so contrived
and boring in comparison.
Roy and Hayley are sat in the cafe, drinking coffee.
Roy is explaining that he will try his best to get a sandwich
to her in the morning despite having to go to the cash n carry.
She tells him that he's "so nice" for doing that before
continuing (now might be a good time to break out the kleenex...*sniff*)
"in fact, you're so nice that I don't want to tell you this..
because you'll just worry about it... and I don't want you to
worry.... Mr Baldwin's found out about me being a transexual".
Obviously, Roy gets worried, very worried in fact and tells Hayley
about how he's seen Baldwin say some "very unkind things
about people once he's had a few drinks inside of him". Hayley
tries to placate him by telling him that Mike won't say anything
because he's made a promise to Alma but a clearly-on-the-verge-of-tears
Roy doesn't think she can rely on that.
Cut to a big fat red steak being cut up and, yup you
guessed it, shovelled into the mouth of one Mike Baldwin. "I
love a good steak" he says and somehow this doesn't surprise
me. He goes on to tell Alma he was talking to Curly in the pub
about Hayley. Alma's panic button goes off as she thinks he told
him everything but thankfully this isn't the case. He goes on
to say that employing Hayley was "made easy" (!) for
Curly because he didn't know she wasn't "all that she ...
should have been" (OUCH! Is it just me that finds the use
of "should" in that sentence to be so ...well, wrong??).
Baldwin's manners are as piggish as ever as he talks, mouth full,
about how "once you know about these things it, well, changes
things". Alma fails to see this but he goes on about how
he feels he's "pulling one over on his other workers"
before absurdly stating that "If they found out they could
probably sue me!" (!!!) As he piles another huge chunk of
meat into his gob he drops the bombshell that he's definately
going to sack her...
...and so ends the episode. All in all, an improvement
on the last week. We had drama, we had suspense, we had that
magic word, emotion, that was certainly lacking from Friday's
show. To cap it all off we had some Grade A comedy from Ken and
Toyah to boot and, well, I'm not complaining at all, this time...
Even if the Greg & Sally story is a steaming pile of pants
it's a small price to pay, considering what else is going on.
So, that's it from me... Dewey will be back next week and normal
schedules will be resumed! :)
The Rattler
Wednesday 12 August
This is my last late update - any delays after this
will be totally out of my hands. Blame my fellow updaters if
you wish - I always do! (And they never notice, either, because
they never read my updates. They've told me as much. "If
we wanted to read unbridled filth," they say, "we'd
buy the Sunday Sport." Ha ha! Whom are they trying to kind??
I know for a fact that at least two of the updaters actually
*write* for the Sunday Sport, while the other one occasionally
features in it. But that's their business).
While we're on the subject of updaters, let me be
among the first to say a fond farewell to Peter Dewhirst, the
Monday episode updater, who will be leaving for pastures new
in a few weeks' time. A new job beckons, and commitments in that
area are such that he will no longer be able to write updates.
He assures us that the door will be left open for a possible
come-back in the future, should work arrangements change. I'm
sure you'll join with me in thanking him for his updates and
wishing him every success in his new post.
However - and I know he won't mind my telling you
this - I know for a fact that Peter still regrets turning down
the offer of a three-year contract with the Bolshoi Ballet. (I
for one am glad he did, because commuting between Moscow and
Hitchin would definitely have put the kybosh on updating indefinitely).
But he tells me that he won't be hanging up his tutu for good:
in October he starts rehearsals as lead male dancer in the Hertfordshire
Ballet Company's adaptation of 'Steptoe and Son'. We all wish
him well, don't we?
Dewey's departure will of course leave a gaping hole
in the update roster, and stepping in to fill Dewey's gaping
hole on Monday nights will be none other than that very dear
friend of mine, the lovely Chris Lines, aka The Rattler. RATUCS's
resident Goth, and a direct descendant of Lord Byron, Chris spends
his days working with computers and his nights listening to strange,
discordant music while drinking absinthe and biting the heads
off small rodents. He wears nothing but black - in fact he could
wear black for England - and speaks fluent Finnish, for some
reason. He is also an expert on 'Dutch films', which he reviews
for an 'adult' magazine. (Never having seen a 'Dutch film' or
read an 'adult magazine', I have no idea what he means by this,
but I suppose I could hazard a guess. It probably doesn't involve
tulip propagation, anyway.) In fact, he has seen so many of these
films that he has managed to pick up quite a bit of Dutch on
the way. Naturally his vocabulary is somewhat limited: he'd probably
doesn't know enough to be able to buy a newspaper, but put him
in a gangbang situation and he'd be practically fluent.)
Incidentally, Chris is no stranger to the weird and
wonderful world of CS updating: he once stood in for Glenda Young
when she was holed up for a week in the Betty Ford clinic, and
he covered once for AlanM when the latter was having his Tinky
tattoo done. (I've no idea exactly where on Alan's body the tattoo
was done, but rumour has it that the Tinky figure in the tattoo
has a little message on its tummy: "Stroke me and watch
me double in height." Amazing what tattoo artists can do
these days, isn't it?) Furthermore, Chris will be doing the 19th
August update as a favour to me. Top man, Chris - I owe you one!
(And this time I promise to make sure the cold sores have disappeared
first!)
But enough of these madcap hellos and goodbyes to fellow
updaters! Here is the update:
The episode opens chez the Baldwins, where Mike, over
breakfast, is telling an aggrieved Alma that he is determined
to sack Hayley. This very morning in fact. Alma tries to intercede
for Hayley, but to no avail. Mike is a stubborn old bastard and
won't be moved.
Meanwhile, Roy is attempting a face-saving exercise
by suggesting to Hayley that she ring in sick, thus avoiding a
showdown with Baldwin. Hayley is having none of it, however, and
asks Roy whether he'd prefer her to have taken a job farther afield
- Amsterdam, perhaps? - so as to be permanently out of the firing
line. (Go Hayley! It definitely was a case of 'Bye bye, willy,
hello willpower' when you were in Amsterdam, wasn't it? I suppose
Hayley has what our American cousins would call "loads of
spunk" - a phrase which, for our British readers at least,
would be somewhat inopportune in Hayley's case. But we get the
point, don't we? The girl has balls! No? Okay, let's just say
she's very brave and leave it at that). Anyway, Hayley leaves
in a huff-ette, with Roy wishing he'd never opened his mouth.
In the Kabin, Toyah is appraising dictionaries under
the watchful eye of her mentor, Ken Barlow. (The 'Educating Toyota'
storyline continues apace and gets better and better. The pairing
of Toyah and Barlow was an inspired move, although I pray that
any thoughts of injecting Lolita-like undertones will never enter
the writers' minds). She's not sure which dictionary to buy. "I
know that size isn't everything," says Barlow, "but
with dictionaries it's different." Toyah thus chooses the
bigger of the two, observing that "More words means more
wordpower, right?" Ken then suggests that an even better
buy would be a thesaurus. Toyah has never heard of a thesaurus
- outisde of 'Jurassic Park' that is - and can hardly pronounce
it, but Ken 'Renaissance Man' Barlow puts her straight.
They are interrupted at this juncture by a flustered
Alec, hotfoot from delivering papers on behalf of a sick paperboy.
He cajoles Toyah into delivering the rest, while Ken looks on
in alarm, worried that Alec is involving himself far too deeply
in Rita's business.
Chez the Websters, Kevin and Sally are discussing finances.
(Nothing new there, then. And no Rursie and Surphie, either. They're
busy up in the bathroom, breaking in a new bar of Camay and dreaming
of spaghetti hoops) Now that Sally has denied Kevin her dead mother's
inheritance, he is planning to apply for a bank loan in order
to buy Natalie out. Sally is worried, because a bank loan means
that the house will have to be used as security. (Oh how this
whole storyline is beginning to bore me. Come on, Kevin, get real!
Grow your 'tache back, ditch the bitch, and revert to being the
cute gay icon we all knew and loved back in those halcyon days
of the Eighties. As Paul Baker once said, for many people Kevin's
moustache *was* the Eighties, and I would probably agree.)
At the cafe, Roy quizzes Curly about his new sartorial
image. Curly says that he has always been like this deep down,
but it's only recently that he's thought of doing anything about
expressing it. This sets the cogs whirring in the Cropper mind,
and prompts him to ask Curly another - this time rather more challenging
- question. "If you were *really* different on the inside,
how far would you go to change how you were on the outside?"
he asks, with an obvious - well, obvious to the audience - reference
to the change undergone by Hayley. Of course, Roy's question goes
straight over Curly's head.
Also at the cafe is Toyah, working on the first draft
of her magazine article. Her chosen topic is the awfulness of
young clothes on old bodies, and the appearance of Curly with
his new sartorial image provides her with an excellent true-life
example. ("What's another word for 'nerd'?" she asks
him devilishly). When she gets up to go, the paper slips from
her hand and wafts to the floor - straight into the hands of Natalie,
who has a quick look before handing it back to Toyah with a knowing
wink. "Is it good?" asks Curly, impervious to the fact
that it is all about men like him. "Let's just say that it's
true observation," says Natalie with a sly grin.
At Underworld, all is not well. Poor Hayley - not only
has she had the chop for real in Amsterdam, she now gets it metaphorically
from Mike Baldwin, who sacks her. He has to sack her, he says,
because if the other girls catch wind of the fact that Hayley
hasn't always been one of them but is now *one of them*, if you
get my drift, all hell will let loose. Hayley leaves his office
and breaks down while the other girls look on, totally gobsmacked.
Back at the Kabin, Alec, overstretching himself in
his effort to guard Rita's interests and win her affection, is
ruling the roost with his usual 'velvet fist in iron glove' approach.
Not content with bossing Ken around, he tries to foist on him
certain tricks of the retail trade. Alec has discovered that a
certain line of chewy mints is not selling, so he suggests that
every customer be persuaded to buy a pack. "If they want
mints, surely they'll ask for them?" observes Toyah. Ken
agrees. And so does Janice, who is the first customer upon whom
Alec tries out his new strategem. Of course she is having none
of it. "I've come in here for fags, not soft mints,"
she says. "Besides, I don't even like the things." Alec
rolls his eyes in exasperation, forgetting for a moment the old
adage "The customer is always right."
At the Rovers, the workers from Underworld are having
their lunchtime break. None of them can believe that a conscientious,
first rate worker like Hayley could have been sacked, and they
wonder whether she is the first in a long line of dismissals.
Janice moots the idea that Hayley's dismissal might have come
about as a result of a botched attempt by Mike to sexually harass
her. Hayley, for her part, tells Roy all about the sacking when
she meets him for lunch in the cafe. Halfway through their conversation,
Ida Clough walks in and makes no bones about the support that
Hayley can expect from her and the rest of the Underworld girls
should she decide to fight Baldwin's decision. When Ida has gone,
Roy tells Hayley that he doesn't think she should fight the decision
lest the whole truth about Hayley's background come out into the
open. Hayley, however, says that she thinks things are best out
in the public domain; she doesn't want to go through life nurturing
such a secret.
Curly, complete with new sartorial image, also makes
an appearance in the Rovers, where Natalie asks him exactly what
he thinks he's playing at with this 'new look'. Curly says that
he's simply expressing his real self. Natalie says that there
are some things which shouldn't be expressed so overtly. Later,
she and Curly have a heart-to-heart at his place. Natalie says
that she doesn't think this 'new look' is really Curly at all,
and that it's simply indicative of the emotional turmoil he is
in. Curly then tells her that he is indeed very low emotionally,
given that Raquel has asked for a divorce.
Alma pops into the cafe - and then probably wishes
she hasn't, because no sooner has she put a foot through the door
than Roy proceeds to tear her off a strip or two. Alma tries to
explain that she had never planned to tell Mike anything, and
that it all came out quite by accident. Roy, however, is incensed.
"Did you ever, just for one second," he shouts, "think
what all of this might do to Hayley?" . Later, Alma rips
into Mike for sacking Hayley, calling him a bigoted, ignorant
pig before flouncing off into the bedroom, hands fluttering round
her temples in true 'emoting' mode.
Back at the Kabin, Alec is stuffing the day's takings
into his pocket, thus giving Ken even more reason to suspect that
Rita's interests are the last thing on Alec's mind.
And finally, chez the Websters, Sally is serving up
yet another of her gastronomic delights: sausages and mash. (If
I were Kevin, I'd have thrown the lot all over her and demanded
she buy a copy of Delia Smith forthwith, but knowing how partial
he is to sausage, maybe not). Sally tells Kevin that she doesn't
mind about the bank loan any more, and that she has a new enterprise
on the horizon herself: knicker parties. Kevin is not best pleased
and, unaware of her real motives, tells her that they simply don't
need the extra income. END OF EPISODE
Well that's your lot! Sorry it was a bit on the shortish
side this time, but I wanted to get it out as quickly as possible.
There have been too many update delays of late, but once this
goes online the backlog should clear.
Incidentally you won't be seeing me again for a while.
(Okay, cheer if you must, but make the most of it because I'll
be back on September 9th). Next week's Wednesday Update (19th
August) will come from the very able quill of Chris Lines. That
will be followed on the 26th by a guest update penned by a RATUCS
newcomer, Ms Rosalind Mitchell. (Rosalind's take on CS updating
promises to be an upmarket one, for she is heavily into 'lit
crit'. So instead of the usual spiel about male appendages and
the calorific value of seminal fluid, expect lots of highbrow
stuff about metonymy, Petrarchan conceits, periphrasis and the
semiotic significance of Rita Sullivan's ear-rings. Rosalind
is clearly a Very Educated Lady, so take a leaf out of Toyah's
book and make sure you have a very big dictionary at your disposal
when you read her update.) Ros's magnum opus will be followed
on September 2nd by Paul Baker's 'comeback' update, which I assure
you will be well worth the wait.
I'm spoiling you all, I know, by giving you all these
lovely guest updaters. But then with me it's just give, give,
give! Sometimes I think I'm too generous for my own good. What
a change it would make to be on the receiving end of something
really nice every once in a while! Ah well, a boy can live in
hope...
Until we meet again, love and hugs, CP
Friday 14 August
Annie's Friday Update
Hi everyone!!
Yes, I got drunk at the York Ping and volunteered
to do this update for Alan while he's away on holiday. Those
of you who saw my last stand-in updates will know what to expect.
Unmitigated piffle!
Well I try, anyway........
The Ping was fantastic, and although many people would
laugh at the idea of 20 people getting together in a room above
a pub in York, rather than seeing the city itself, it would be
their loss! (We DID walk past the Minster!) A GREAT day, and
a great weekend it was. Although my digital camera was fun, Dewey,
I think, has the best "official" shots of all of us
(after determining that one of his lenses was kaput). Lovely
to meet the folk I've met before, and of course the new people.
Our little post-Ping walk through Durham on a brilliantly sunny
Sunday just rounded the whole thing off perfectly!
Blackpool looks like shaping up to be a real event,
and this time, I'm dragging my sister kicking and screaming along
with me! Like me, she only really got into Corrie at the beginning
of the year, but unlike me, she misses the odd episode. What
can you do???
I can also confirm that I have now officially stopped
watching EastEnders. Well, OK, I see the odd episode if it's
on, but I'm afraid my heart is now the property of a different
drama serial altogether. Better late than never I guess.
So what's been happening in Corrie then?? Oh well,
the usual; near-death experiences, political intrigue, extra-marital
affairs, red anoraks at dawn etc. etc. The cider is chilled,
the heart is racing.................
So onward to the update.............
We open at Kev and Sal's, the morning after their little
tiff about Sally's intention to move into underwear sales. Although
it's high summer, the atmosphere around Sal is positively icy.
She's not much caring about the importance of Kev's bank loan
applications, as she bundles them up to clear the table for brekkie.
Kev walks in and is horrified. Sal really doesn't give a damn.
He tells her she'll have to get used to all the targets and deadlines
if she's going to be selling Mike's knickers. (ooh er.... No,
I'm no good at that...). Kev quizzes her if she gets to use his
car, or gets a mobile phone, which of course she isn't.....What's
the attraction of this poxy job? Not the money! Sally does one
of her little facial asides which are SOOOOOO obvious they beggar
belief!
Meanwhile, at Chez Baldwin, the air temperature is
not much warmer. Alma wonders if Hayley is enjoying HER breakfast,
but doubts it very much! Mike is exasperated (and talking with
his mouth full again), because HE feels hard done by. (You RAT!!)
The unrest at the factory is growing at his decision to sack Hayley.
Alma wonders if they're sticking little pins in wax effigies of
Mike yet! She thinks it would all be SO much easier if Mike just
gave Hayley her job back, and he'd have a fan for life. Through
another mouthful of food, he says "If I wanted a fan for
life, I'd buy a puppy!" (He'd probably kick THAT as well!......PRAT!.....
can you see a pattern within my commentary emerging in tonight's
update?)
At Roy's Rolls, RToyah is buttering up the bread and
proof-reading her new article at the same time, to Roy's annoyance.
He moves her paperwork off the counter top and tells her to wash
her hands! (Good man, Roy....Health & Safety love this guy...).
Toyah offers to print a copy of the article for Roy, but he'd
rather see it in print. She says it's likely to be in the next
copy but one in a few weeks."Ah!" Roy then tells Toyah
he's off on holiday then, so she takes a pound from him to reserve
a copy! Apparently he's off to a Psychic Convention in Bournemouth
and then off to his Auntie Lorna in Eastleigh. Toyah asks him
to keep his ears open for any juicy stories, but Roy doesn't think
there'll be much intrigue down there. Toyah isn't bothered anyway,
she's going to start a little closer to home... "Your Hayley"
she says! Roy is a little nervous about that and doesn't think
it's a good idea. Toyah's all fired up and says it's unfair because
she was good at her job. Roy tries to dissuade her, but she won't
be moved. She's a little surprised at Roy's seemingly unsupportive
behaviour, and says she thought Roy was a mate of hers, and Mike
is a bully (that's one word, yes....). Roy seems to be thinking
a bit, but still impresses on Toyah that it's not a good idea
because Hayley wouldn't like it. "She's a very private person",
he says, repeating Hayley's own words of a few weeks past. But
behind those expressive eyes, Roy's brain is ticking quietly.
Blandford pulls up at Underworld in a flash new car
(looked like a Mondeo to me.......tres flash :/) as Maxine is
coming out of the Kabin. She instantly goes into flirt mode at
exactly the same time as we go into sleep mode (connection?).
She's impressed by the new car, and tells Greg she hasn't seen
enough of him recently. She then tells him in that appalling fluttery
way that she's pining for him. "... pining like.... A pine-cone!!"
(BLEAGH!.... Pass the bucket!). Possibly the worst dialogue ever?
But so in keeping with the character it must be said. This woman
is no longer a Muppet. She has progressed to Spitting Image! Greg
tells her he'll see her that night, but of course we know that
he really doesn't give a damn.
Pan down to black and white camouflage trousers and
you know it's the Curly Creation. He's caught before entering
the Rovers by Toyota charging round from Rosamund Street to return
his laptop, very grateful for the loan of it, but not saying what
dastardly character assassinations she's been performing!
After looking around, Vera, in the Rovers, has found
Mavis's phone number in the Lakes, and gives it to Ken. He's going
to call Rita because Alec is driving him round the twist! (Too
late m'lad). He tells Vera he's getting too involved in the Kabin's
business. As Ken leaves Vera tells Natalie what she's been told,
to her evident relief. Alec must be after the Kabin, not Rita
after the Rovers!
Natalie serves Curly at the bar and he apologies profusely
for being so frank about Raquel, and burdening her with his troubles.
Natalie, still wearing her halo, smiles sympathetically. In booth
number one, Maxine is sitting with Audrey telling her how happy
she is that she's seeing Greg that night. Curly approaches them
and asks if can join them. Twizzle... er... Maxine tells Curly
he's a bad advert for her handiwork; a sore point with Curly.
He sits down and dumps his laptop on the table. There then follows
a conversation about how great laptops are and especially with
modems! Fully expecting a ratucs reference, I was disappointed
to discover that it's primary use was, apparently, to type reports
and find out the price of any Firmans' product from anywhere in
the world! (Oh Curly!!...). Audrey isn't impressed.....
Back at t'factory, after lunch, the unrest grows. The
machinists have gathered outside the Underworld office, where
Greg is hard at it. (No, Sally's standing with the girls...).
They're trying to get the courage up to go in and ask him why
Hayley was sacked. Glad of the opportunity, Sally dashes in and
grins weedily at Greg. She asks him if Mike is going to be in
that afternoon, which Greg confirms. Cue another dull conversation
about sneaky love affairs. She's arranged to be with Greg that
night, and lied to Kev again. Greg's options are once more covered,
and he realises that Maxine once again gets the short straw. He
tells her to meet him at the flat for their first dinner together.
Sally would rather it was their first breakfast....(gag,gag,gag....)
Just then Mike comes in and is immediately chastised
by the workers! He tells them he sacked Hayley because he wasn't
happy with her progress and that's the end of it! But Ida and
Co. aren't standing for that. What happened to proper procedure?
He really doesn't give a damn, until Ida threatens to ballot the
staff for possible strike action! Mike retorts that they're making
a big mistake and they'll end up with egg on their face. "If
it happened to Hayley, it could happen to any of us", says
Ida. "No it couldn't!", says Mike, thinking something
else entirely!
Roy approaches Natalie in the bar looking for some
"Dutch Courage" (Now, Roy, dear, you had plenty of that
in Amsterdam....).He goes for a small, sweet sherry!
In booth number one, Audrey is still proclaiming her
ignorance of technology, but on seeing Roy decides to escape Curly's
attempts at turning her techno. She grabs a reluctant Roy and
pulls him over, allowing Maxine to escape also. Ahh dear...Audrey
and Maxine.... 12 brain cells between the two of them. Roy sits
down beside Curly and tells him how Toyah's "hidden depths"
has opened his eyes a little to things. He downs the sherry in
one. Roy has a mission! "She's driven me to do what a man's
got to do" he says, as he pauses by the door; "....in
a minute" he says, and heads towards the gents! Left alone,
Curly notices that Toyah has forgotten to wipe her article off
his laptop, and starts to read. It's less than flattering, and
Curly ain't happy. Meanwhile, Alec comes in and Vera chastises
him for being so irritating to Ken. Alec is indignant.
Now picture the scene; Underworld, mid afternoon, a
lone figure enters the swing doors and his eyes go from left to
right. All that's missing is the theme to "The Good, the
Bad and the Ugly", but since Hayley, Samantha and Les's Camper
Van (in that order) aren't about, we'll have to use our imaginations!
Roy enters the factory and heads towards the office. Purposefully,
he opens the door without knocking and tells Mike he wants a word.
Mike being Mike, (You SOD!.. the pattern continues...), he tells
him he's busy. Roy sits down and tells him he'll wait.
Mike gives up and listens as Roy tries to explain how
he too was shocked and hurtful, but pleaded Hayley's case. The
machinists are watching through the glass, unable to hear the
conversation, so Janice shouts "For God's sake, just smack
him one!"... (YAYY JANICE!!! (ahem....))... He begs Mike
to give Hayley her job back. He's having none of it and makes
really nasty accusations about Hayley having lied to the other
workers, which of course she hasn't. Mike simply cannot get his
head around the fact that Hayley is HAYLEY, not her past. All
he cares about is the factory running smoothly, and the grief
he's getting is getting on his nerves. He'd have got less grief
if he'd left well alone and just grown up a bit. He gives Roy
a message to give to Hayley. He's to tell Hayley to tell the other
girls to back off, or he'll tell them all EXACTLY why he sacked
her! She has till Monday to decide. Roy realises that things have
just got ever so slightly worse, and leaves without a word.
End of Part One
Aren't you glad!..... Bloomin' eck, she's a wordy
one, that Annie! Never say in two words what can be said in five!
Tastelessly, we are treated to an advert for the News
of the World during this break; a paper which makes it's living
showing exactly the same kind of ignorance and bigotry as Mike
(dead-meat) Baldwin has shown us this week, and ruining lives
in similar ways. Nuff said.
Part Two
In the Kabin, Ken is on the phone to Mavis, whilst Greg comes
in. Maxine is already there, and Greg takes the opportunity to
pour cold water on her prospective night of passion; he's working
late again! She is predictably upset and storms out. Greg leaves
also. Alec enters to find Ken on the phone and accuses Ken of
making personal calls. Ken explains he was trying to reach Rita.
He's furious, and fed up to the back teeth of Alec interfering
and doing the "little Hitler act".
The Rovers; evening; and the factory girls meet for
a drink and an impromptu action meeting. As Janice gets the drinks
in, Natalie warns her that Toyah has been writing nasty things
about Curly's sartorial elegance. She goes to sit with Ida and
they talk about the possible strike ballot. They drink a toast
to "Baldwin's bottle!... Or lack of it!"... (Frankly,
I wish they'd toast his... no, no... sorry.. ahem...). Sally realises
the time and nips off for her tryst with Greg. Janice, however,
has the idea of talking to Greg herself to try and gain support.
Uh oh! At the same time???
Roy has turned up expectedly at Hayley's house. She
is, of course, delighted to see him. He thinks he should cancel
his holiday, because she might need his support. He tells her
about the visit to Underworld that afternoon, and how he felt
he needed to do something on her behalf ;"As your significant
other", he says... (AWWWWWWW!). Hayley thinks this is the
most romantic thing she's ever heard and grins from ear to ear!
Roy is not so sure, however, that it was the best idea, and he
could have made things worse. Hayley can't see how they could
be. Roy disagrees, ruefully.
Back at that very factory, Mike is locking up, watched
by an approaching Maxine. She can't understand why, since Greg
is supposed to be working late! She's about to shout to Mike,
but Audrey stops her and, queen of tact that she is, tells her
that Greg's just using her, and totally unreliable. Maxine deep
down knows it's true, and runs away crying.
Above the shop, Greg and Sal are entwined in a game
of tonsil hockey. They come up for air, and Sally tells him she's
fed up with this silly strike, and the girls wouldn't give Hayley
the time of day before she was sacked. Utter crap of course, Janice
and Ida actually do care. You know, I disliked Sally before, but
now, she's TOAST! Greg goes to the fridge to crack the bubbly
and finds only two cans of beer. He's not even a GOOD gigolo.
I mean not having a supply of Dom Perignon on tap will not win
him Brownie points. Dope! Sally offers to nip across for some
wine from the shop.
Hayley is gobsmacked that the girls are willing to
strike for her! But Roy brings her down to earth a little. Would
they all be as supportive if they knew the truth? Hayley is hurt
to think that it would make a difference. Janice has been a good
friend to her. But Roy reminds her of Janice's kids and Les....
What would people like THEM say about it all? They wouldn't keep
quiet, he says. Hayley looks at the floor, and, annoyed, asks
Roy if she should lie then? Say that she had been stealing or
was incompetent. Roy doesn't think there's a choice, not if she
wants to live "normal" life. Hayley thinks Roy is thinking
about himself again, and that people will think "Ooo, his
girlfriend used to be a man, what does that make him?". Roy
admits to being frightened about how people will react, but affirms
that if she decides to tell the truth, he wants to be there by
her side (!!!), and not at the other end of the country waiting
for a phone call, or to read about it in the Sunday papers....
Hayley is exasperated. She doesn't want to ruin his
holiday. But maybe she should just tell them all the truth, and
maybe she's kidding herself she can keep it a secret forever.
She picks up the framed photo of herself as a 12-year old boy
from the mantelpiece and is clearly upset. Hearing this, Roy decides
not to go on holiday, but Hayley instantly insists he should still
go. She assures him she's not punishing him, but is only trying
to stand on her own two feet. Reluctantly, he agrees to go, but
as he prepares to leave he reminds Hayley that being brave feels
great at the time, but it's not always easy to live with. She
promises that whatever happens, he'll be the first to know, and
kisses him gently on the cheek on his way out.
Poor Greg... (ahahahhaaaa!), Sallys just popped out
for some vino, and here comes Janice to try and persuade him to
back Hayley. Just then there's a banging at the door. It's Maxine!
She yells at him at the door and pushes her way into the flat,
determined to find out the identity of his mystery liaison! When
she gets upstairs and sees Janice, she's shocked and apologises
to Greg, who is livid! Janice says her goodbyes and leaves them
to get on with the argument. Greg wastes no time in slagging Maxine
off. How dare she! She's not even his girlfriend; she's just some
girl who he sleeps with when it suits them both. (Uh oh...Sally
alert... 30 yards and closing!) Maxine is crushed, and Greg cruelly
asks her to leave. She runs down the stairs and throws open the
front door, to find Sally on the door step with a big grin and
bottle of wine! "What do you want??", says Maxine........
looks are exchanged.... And realisation creeps in!!!
End
So there it was. A cracking episode, only sullied by
the Greg and Sally antics. I tolerated Maxine because this episode
was so universally against her! Roy was an absolute hero, and
even though he pushed the situation to another level, his courage
at facing Mike was admirable. Sadly Mike (Oh my God, they Killed
Mikey!... You bastards!! ......) is beyond reason at this point.
Hayley makes him so uncomfortable you can almost see his skin
itch. PRAT! Oh but Roy... WHAT a time to have a holiday!! Bad
timing or what!
Curly mate, come round and show me your laptop.. I'll
listen. Honest I will!!!
I'm now off for a calming bath and another drinkie.
This episode update was brought to you with the help of Dry Blackthorn
cider, as always.
Take care, folks...... Annie
Sunday 16 August
Have you noticed that the sun hardly ever shines in
Coronation Street? For the benefit of those living in the South
of England and further afield I should explain that the North
has been covered in cloud for most of the "summer" (as
I think we call it). I'm looking forward to September & October,
which usually see some sunshine, even if it is getting cooler.
Titles roll (Isn't that washing dry yet? It's been
out there for years). Greg's House. Maxine opens door to find
Sally, clutching bottle of vino. Max runs away, Sally chases (well,
struggles, really) after her. Maxine in tears. She knows he's
seeing someone - thinks it's Janice (!?!). Sally explains it (and
the vino) on the knicker parties.
Chez Baldwin and it's a night out with Gail & Martin
at the cinema. Rovers at eight, film starts at 8.50. Forget the
Rovers, says Mike, find another boozer to avoid the contempt of
his workers.
Back at Greg's place Sally settles down for a cozy
evening. The door bell rings. Don't panic, It's only the curry.
Alma & Mike carry on their discussion. Hayley has
to explain that she has been sacked for some reason - that she
was incompetent, insolent - "even nicking knickers for all
I care". Alma storms off to the Rovers for a large drink.
On the Street Curly wants a strong word with Toyah
and Rita is back, feeling chirpy. Alec arrives, mop in hand ("Vera
had a leak") to check why there was a light on in Rita's.
She came back early 'cos she missed the silly conversations about
sherbet lemons and the like. She pecks Alec on the cheek. He looks
disappointed. Rita writes a reminder in her diary to catch up
with Alec when she is less busy. "It's the doctor's idea".
"So I can count on you to remember who I am then" "Course
you can, Jack". Rita winks. (Ah well).
Romantic lighting, the music plays, "I've gotta
goooou" drones Sally, looking at the clock. They kiss. Director
shows a close-up of Sal's teeth. "Just a little one, says
Greg" (referring to the drink).
At the Battersbys, Toyah is downcast over Curly's reaction
to her article. It was a joke, about how sad blokes who dye their
hair and wear tight trousers to look cool, she explains to Les
(cue shot of Les's dyed hair and tight trousers!). Les eulogizes
about his hero, Gary Bushell [tabloid journalist], who's "coining
it in, he is". "Keep at it kid", he encourages
Toygirl. "You're no oil painting but you know your strengths".
Sally wanders into the darkened kitchen at home, smiling.
"Where 've you been", growls Kevin, "You've been
to the Rovers haven't you!". Can she choose between her career
and her children?. Is this the end? Of part one? Yes.
The break
In precisely 3 minutes and 17 seconds the familiar signature tune
calls us back to the Webster household.It's breakfast time and
the gurrls have to hurry to get their coats on - Kevin is taking
them to the pictures [cinema] - anyway, it gets them out of the
room while Kev has a go at Sally. "I'm not managing, Sal.
I'm at my wits end. My nerves are shot." "Am I wasting
my time?", asks Kev "It's not you, it's me. I'm Sorry".
They embrace. "We've missed you, Sal, even though you've
been here" Sally can go to the pictures after all! (hurrah!)
Maxine is at the corner shop before work. Ashley could
do with a trim. Greg is sorry - "Meet me in the Rovers at
lunchtime".
Must have been a short film, as Kev, Sally & gurrls
are back and ready for a trip to Chester Zoo for a picnic. Sally
agrees to go, but has some business to sort out first
Rita appears at the Kabin. She puts her bright misdemeanour
down to Mavis' cooking. Ken is asked to stay on but he has reservations
- about Alec. She promises to keep him out of the way.
Sally's business is to give Greg the brush-off. "It's
more than guilt, I love Kevin".
Lunchtime at the Rovers and Janice can't go shopping
'cos Leanne is covering for Rita (prompting the question, why
was Rita in the Kabin just now and Leanne not? Ah well, it's only
television). Sally - thought she was off to the Zoo - gives the
hard sell to Vera. Max arrives to give Greg five minutes. He was
just talking shop with Janice and Sally, honest. He declares his
love for Maxine and offers her dinner-but not tonight, "maybe
one night in the week" Alec arrives to find out about Vera's
party next Saturday, is miffed at not being told about it, and
declares that he is very much back at the Rovers.
Greg calls on Sally as Kevin is packing the car for
the picnic. Greg declares his love for Maxine-sorry-Sally and
gives Rursie some money for an ice cream on the way out. "I
think we want the same thing", says Sallly (not talking about
ice cream, of course)
Written by Jan McVerry, Directed by Jim O'Hanlon.
Not a memorable episode, much of a scene-setter for
things to come. Can do better!
Everything in the programme (but not this update)
is, of course, the copyright of ITV Television Limited.
Well, it's back to the lurking now. See you around,
people!
Sandy
Monday 17 August
Fort Baldwin: Mike's very existence presses Alma's
buttons and she's off again about his treatment of Hayley--it
was despicable. In his defence, he pleads that Hayley didn't tell
him the truth when she came looking for a job. Despicable, says
Alma, and anyway would you tell an interviewer your life story?
If you did, you'd be permanently unemployed! It was mean and [wait
for it] despicable and I'll never ever forgive you. Mike rolls
his eyes heavenward as Alma leaves for work.
Chateau Batteau: As Les munches his breakfast toast
and Janice gets ready to go to work, he observes that if it's
true that Rita is getting forgetful, she'll have to be careful
about running a shop with all that cash to handle. (What's that
smell--Essence de Rat?) Janice notes ruefully that at least Rita
has some cash; if there's a walkout at Under World over Hayley's
firing, it will mean lean times for the Battersbys. Les thinks
Hayley is a fool for relying on others to fight for her; in this
world, everyone has to look out for themselves. Janice is glad
to hear this and promises to bear it in mind.
The Kabin: Maxine is looking for an "I'm sorry"
card as Janice comes in for cigarettes; Janice asks whether Maxine's
relationship with Greg is getting serious. Told that it's none
of her business, she points out that she is entitled to take an
interest; after all, Greg is Les's son and if he and Maxine get
married that will make Maxine and Janice er... ah... "What
will it make us, Rita?" "Natural enemies?" suggests
Rita sweetly. (Like the joke about the roof, this seems to be
over Janice's head, but it does cause Maxine to grin appreciatively.)
Janice fancies herself as a stepmother--she can listen to all
Maxine's secrets and advise her on coping with the male of the
Battersby [sub]species. Maxine insists that Greg is not a Battersby
but Janice draws some disturbing parallels between Les and Greg,
particularly with respect to their caveman approach to women;
in any event, she is looking forward to Maxine calling her Mum.
Maxine is looking forward to sinking through the floor, unsure
whether to laugh or cry. She buys her card and exits.
Firman's: Shopping basket in hand, Hayley rounds a
corner and discovers Alma; they exchange pleasantries. Hayley
almost applied for a new job but has decided to wait a while longer.
Alma has told Mike that sacking Hayley was the meanest thing he
ever did (not to mention despicablest, which she doesn't, for
a change). Hayley misses the girls from the factory; she felt
accepted by them and was really getting along. Alma suggests that
they do lunch at the Rovers, where Hayley can see her old pals.
Meanwhile, Eric Firman has tracked down Curly in the
dairy aisle. He asks Mr. Watts to stand by for some news--not
to worry, it isn't bad news--but will say no more until the dotted
line is signed on. An exasperated Curly thanks him (for nothing);
clearly, Curly senses that he is about to sink more deeply into
the mire that is his life.
Street: Kevin calls a cheery greeting to Sally and
Janice as they walk to work; Janice asks Sally what they are going
to do about Hayley. Moments later, Maxine spies Kevin and asks
him to give Sally the card she has just bought. She explains that
she wants to apologize to Sally for the other night--she had just
been dumped by Greg and "went mental" when she saw Sally
arriving at Greg's flat with a bottle of wine. Kevin agrees to
deliver the card; a cloud crosses his face as he glances away
from the departing Maxine toward the Under World entrance, through
which Sally has just disappeared.
Kabin: As expected, Les is trying it on. He is insisting
that he gave Rita a twenty for his purchase while she is just
as sure that he gave her a tenner--she has a routine for making
change, you see, and she produces the tenner as proof. Les suggests
that her routine has let her down this time--perhaps she is confused,
as he has heard that her memory is no longer what it might be.
Thoroughly annoyed by now, Rita snaps that she will be sure tonight,
when she cashes up, and will let Les know if she has made an error.
Les supposes that he will have to trust her and departs, followed
hastily by Alec who has witnessed this exchange with growing concern.
In the street, Alec hails Les and presents him with
ten pounds from his wallet (a delightful bit of business here
as Les tries to see how much money Alec is carrying and Alec strives
just as hard to keep that to himself). Alec admits that Rita has
had one or two difficulties. Still with the fairies, is she? asks
Les--still recuperating, yes, replies Alec huffily. Les walks
away, tenner in hand, grinning to himself over his good fortune.
Back in the Kabin, Vera is asking Rita what's up--she
has just seen Alec and Les in the street with their heads together
and money exchanging hands. Vera confirms to Rita that it could
have been a ten-pound note; Rita is steamed. Alec, who has re-entered
the shop, senses the mood and beats a flustered retreat.
Under World: Sally, Janice, and Ida confront Mike and
demand to know why Hayley was sacked. Why don't you ask her?,
says Mike. They have, they say, but she won't tell. Well then,
Mike replies smugly, you should respect her confidence--subject
closed. (Is he noble, or what? What?) This doesn't satisfy Ida
but Mike warns her not to press the issue or she may be on the
street as well; he warns Janice and Sally not to let themselves
be used by a troublemaker, as Ida's jaw drops. He tells Ida that
times have changed and she no longer takes her orders from the
Kremlin; he's the boss now and if she doesn't like it, she knows
what to do.
Street: As labour adjourns to the Rovers to consider
its next move, Kevin asks Sally for a word. He hands her Maxine's
card; Sally gulps, suddenly frightened. "She seemed to think
I'd know all about it--how she caught you going into Greg's flat
with a bottle of wine. So, do you want to tell me?" Sally
is without speech as she gives Kevin a stare that says "We're
about to go to commercials".
Webster Hollow: "So what woz yiz doin' at 'is
flat?" Kevin demands to know. Sally scoffs: "We were
going to talk about underwear...about work", she adds, forestalling
a snotty comeback from Kevin [and me]. She claims that they go
to the flat when they can't get into the factory (which Mike had
locked in this instance, leaving Greg's key inside). Kevin doesn't
notice the implication that they have been to the flat more than
once and asks about the wine. Sally admits they were going to
have a drink--so what? Kevin suggests that it is Maxine who is
upset, not him, but Sally waves the card in his face to show that
Maxine has apologized and he is now the one making the accusations,
like he seems to want to do all the time [Huh? Does Kevin really
do this all the time?]. Now raging, Sally says that she feels
she's on trial--she is constantly being hauled up to explain herself
for the smallest thing.
Thoroughly on the defensive, Kevin tries bluster--"OK
then, why didn't you tell me about it?" he asks. "What
was there to tell?" she shrieks; "it was--nothing!"
With her eyes threatening to leave their sockets, she stands nose-to-nose
with Kevin and demands that he explain why Greg would want her
when he has Maxine--"ten years younger [?!!], single, glamorous,
sexy". Sensing that Sally is not fishing for compliments,
Kevin admits defeat: "So it was just work?", he says.
"Sorry, Sal. It's just--I don't know!" With the knife
now firmly embedded, Sally gives it a scornful twist: she'll tell
Mike that she doesn't want anything more to do with underwear
business, as it makes Kevin unhappy. Another load of grovel from
Kevin--he doesn't want her to do that. Again, he says he's sorry.
Sally heaves a sigh and returns to earth; "Right," she
says, "I'll go and get some lunch." She tosses Maxine's
card on the table and walks out, leaving Kevin to choke back tears.
All in all, a remarkable performance from Sally; you'd never guess
that she has been doing this adultery thingy for only a few weeks.
Rovers: Greg and Mike are chatting as Sally walks in.
Greg wants to talk to her but she's afraid Kevin may see them
together, which she doesn't want. She'll try to see him tonight.
Alma and Hayley arrive, much to Mike's dismay. Alma
gets the drinks in and Mike accuses her of playing games--he doesn't
mind Hayley seeing her friends as long as she doesn't do it in
the Rovers. As Hayley's ex-workmates press for details of her
sacking--which she refuses to give--Alma tells Mike that Hayley
won't be applying for other jobs beacause she'll run into the
same problem; it's Mike's fault, she adds, and she won't have
to remind him of that [as if she's done anything else for the
past week!] because she doubts that he will be able to forget
it.
Firman's: Eric is ready to reveal his big news, warning
that it is for Curly's ears only. Eric can rely on him, says Curly--he
has no one to tell. Eric reveals that he is ready for retirement
and has sold the firm to Freshco, an up-and-coming American company.
He says that Curly will be part of this brave new world because
he insisted throughout the sale negotiations that all management
positions be protected--Curly's face brightens--"but they
wouldn't have it", he adds. Curly's face returns to its normal
gloomy state as Eric assures him the he did his best. "Thank
you", says Curly, with obvious insincerity.
Rovers: The girls assure Hayley that they will continue
to fight for her but she doesn't want them to risk their own jobs.
Mike asks Alma to make sure Hayley doesn't leave when the others
go back to work--he wants to have a word with her. Meanwhile,
Vera observes to Alec that he and Rita certainly seem to have
their little secrets; Alec is dismissive.
The Under World hands having departed, Mike joins Hayley
and Alma at their table and tells Hayley that she can have her
job back, not because he was wrong to fire her but because he
can't withstand Alma's moaning any longer. Hayley thanks him but
isn't sure she wants her job back--she might be happier going
somewhere else. That's fine by him, says Mike, but if she's not
ready to work next morning, it won't be his fault; with an "Are
you happy now?" glance at Alma, he exits. Alma is understanding
when Hayley agrees that it probably her pride that may keep her
from going back to her job.
The Kabin: Full of joie de vivre, Alec walks in to
suggest that he and Rita have an outing. Not so fast, she responds;
she wants to know why Alec gave Les ten pounds. Alec assures her
that it was a private matter which needn't concern her. Furious,
she snaps that this is another reminder of just how shifty and
dishonest Alec can be. She insists that Les gave her a tenner
and was just trying it on because he thinks she is a "daft
old bat"; as Alec splutters his protests, she adds that he
must agree with Les. She lets him know that she doesn't need protecting
from the likes of Les--and she doesn't need taking on outings
either. She turns on her heel and goes into the back room, leaving
Alec to blink and gasp in her wake.
Webster Hollow: Having finished their tea, SoRo are
granted permission to leave the table. Kevin asks if Sally has
plans for the evening; it seems she was going to see Greg about
underwear but she would now rather stay home. Kevin is insistent
however--he apologizes again for "all that rubbish"
he said at dinner and laughingly tells her that she has to go
out whether she likes it or not. "You'd let me know if you
weren't happy? asks Sally demurely, as a loving smile flickers
across her face. "The only thing that would make me unhappy
is thinking that I was spoiling things for you" is Kevin's
stunning--and stunned--response. "Now go!" She goes.
Fort Baldwin: Mike tells Alma that it doesn't matter
if Hayley comes back to work or not--he's covered either way.
If she doesn't come back, that's her decision; if she does come
back, Ida and the others will think it is their doing and if they
discover that Hayley is just a "fella in a frock" [Alma
rolls her not inconsiderable eyes], they won't be able to blame
him because he's the one that wanted to get rid of her. Alma asks
if the whole business of sacking and rehiring Hayley was deliberate
then; Mike will only say that sometimes he is cleverer than he
knows--he does something and only later realizes how brilliant
it was! Lord help us, Alma seems to be thinking.
Flatland: Greg and Sally snuggle on his sofa [was it
really only yesterday that she told him they shouldn't see each
other anymore? Sally's ability to change a tune must be the envy
of deejays everywhere!]. As she picks at his hair, apparently
feeling for nits, she recounts the day's events, ending with Kevin's
apologies and insistence that she go out. Greg delightedly marvels
at her cleverness. What's happened to me? Sally wonders rhetorically--you've
happened to me, she says to Greg. And you've happened to me, he
replies, as he returns the favour and begins to paw through Sally's
hair. Yikes!
Rovers: Les tells Janice that she's crazy to think
of going on strike over Hayley; as Janice pays for the drinks,
Alec asks her to confirm that she has given him a tenner. Wot
were that about? she asks Les; he feigns ignorance, rather easily.
Rita enters; incredibly, she has decided that she owes
Alec an apology. He receives it coolly and tells her he thinks
it best if they leave things as they are. She is somewhat taken
aback; Vera tells her that Alec is in one of his moods; he's worse
than any woman, she says--up and down like a yo-yo.
Flatland: Sally thinks that sooner or later Kevin or
Maxine, or someone else, will find out about her and Greg, and
then what? Then we do what has to be done, is Greg's reply. Sally
is unsure of his meaning--would that be you and me and SoRo living
together, because I couldn't leave the girls behind; is that what
you want? "Yeah, I do" he assures her. Yeah, right.
Episode written by Peter Whalley
Written by David
McMurray
Wednesday 19 August
Evenin' All! Hope the weather's better where you are
than where I am! :) (wouldn't be hard, short of flooding and
thunderstorms..)
Well, it would appear you've ended up with me again.
The right honourable CP Turner has temporarily handed over the
Golden Tiara, which I have now donned, and it's my turn this
week on the Wednesday Update. A little bit unexpected, I know,
so I'm about as prepared for it as you are. ;)) Usual apologetic
disclaimers apply and herrrre we go!
[Tonight's Episode is sponsored simply by Cadbury's,
"The Nation's Favourite", so thankfully we're spared
all that Doom nonsense from the Astro's Ads.]
We open at the Cafe where Hayley is sitting. Alma enters
and is relieved to find her friend, thinking it's a sure sign
that she's on her way to the factory to fill her newly reinstated
position. Hayley still hasn't decided on that, however and explains
that she's always in the Cafe this early, just to keep Roy company
while he opens up shop. When Alma points out that Roy is on holiday,
Hayley responds she's here anyway because it reminds her of him.
They discuss the possibility of Hayley's return to the Factory
and seem to be of conflicting viewpoint. Hayley herself is very
unsure and worried about what she'll say to the other girls regarding
her reinstation. Alma tells her to just say it's purely because
of the Strike Threat and the alarm bells go off as Hayley asks
"But that's not true is it??"... "No, no, of course
not, but they're not going to know that" is Alma's dubious
response which is accepted just as Toyah comes over to take her
order. As Alma buys her cuppa tea, Hayley wonders if she's had
a row with Mike since she's not normally in this early. "I
did have a barney at him, last night" she admits and Hayley
begins to berate herself, thinking it's her fault but Alma assures
her she only "said things that needed to be said" before
telling Hayley not to "be so pathetic" because "lots
of people are fond of you"... Too right! Like about 11+ million
of us!!! :)
Cut now to the Factory itself where Gruesome Greg is
lurking about sleazily in the background, before approaching Sally,
who's acting has gone down and down, IMHO, since this story began.
I am currently in favour of Tracy Shaw as the better of the two...
Yes, you may administer the beatings now until my brain is back
to normal (whatever that is)... Anyway, Sally is paranoid that
Greg's changed his mind with regards to his offer of taking on
her and the kids but the Woodentopped Wanker says he hasn't but
needs to make sure they're "clever" about it. Why? Because
he "wants this to last" (As if!)... As a glaring strand
of Sally's hair that seems to be sticking up inches above the
rest of it continues to totally distract me throughout the whole
scene I forget the exact dialogue but in a nutshell he suggests
the following cunning plan: She leaves Klueless Kevin and demands
a divorce. Then she waits a little while before moving in with
Blandford. This way it makes her look better in the divorce settlement
(ie: Doesn't make her look like the uncaring slag she is, in other
words) and it won't cause so much of a scandal around the street...
I didn't want to point it out but did these two actors just get
out of bed in this scene? Their hair looks messy and unwashed
and they speak as if someone's just dragged them from deep snoozing.
Anyway, enough of this rubbish...
There's suddenly a big cheer from all the girls as
our favourite girl of all returns to the fold. Yup! Hayley's back
to work! :) Janice exclaims "How's that for Girl Power, eh?"
(well it certainly beats the Spice Girls' version of it, which
seems to involve simply dressing like a tart and doing bad karaoke...
;)) just as Big Bad Baldwin enters and kinda kills the mood. They
break up the cheering and get back to work as Hayley assures him
she didn't instigate any of the commotion. He nods and coldly
suggests they "just get on with it" at which the Heavenly
Seamstress returns to her post. Ida poses a jokingly lewd question
to Hayley regarding how she got the job back but Hayley insists
that Baldwin "wouldn't do anything like that with me"...
Ida merely laughs and says "You've got a lot to learn about
men, lass"...
Over at the back room of the Rovers (Rover's? Rovers'?
Damnit Dewey! ;)) Alec is smoking a cigarette, drinking a coffee
and grumping it up large as Vera and Betty enter. Vera gives him
the now standard issue sarcastic remarks about Rita. Predictably,
the Lovesick Landlord tells her to shut up but V insists she only
asks so she can find out what mood he's going to be in each day,
before adding sarcastically he should chalk it onto the Specials
Board: "Fish Pie - On... Rita & Alec - Off". She
continues as if he's not even there, insensitively telling Betty
she's glad Rita is making him mope like this since it'll give
him a taste of his own mean medicine. This bitter tirade continues
along the same nasty lines and terminates with Alec informing
the pair of them that they'll be seeing a lot more of him around
the Rovers now. V will believe it when she sees it she exclaims,
storming out, leaving him and Betty to have a quick heart-to-heart.
Betty tries to offer comforting support as he tells her how confused
he is, but to no avail as the scene ends with Alec grunting woefully
"Relationships? Hrmph, I'm too old for that game"...
Slaggy Webster is walking across the road and is accosted
by The Gruesome One who is waving leaflets about, that she needs
for her Knicker Party. Obviously, as soon as they're within muttering
distance, they start musing over their "plans". She
thinks it's a long, drawn out way of doing things and would seemingly
rather 'out' the affair right now, but Blandford smarms his way
into her brain, warning her of all the gossip they'll have to
endure if word gets out. Sally says she doesn't care about that
because she wants to "move well away from here" (Good!
Sod off now, then! The pair of you! ;)). He talks slowly to her,
in the same way you might talk to a small child, and reassures
her they will move away, but ... in time. Just then, Natalie walks
by and this gives Blandford an idea to drag the already flailing
plotline into new depths of ludicrous absurdity. He suggests that
if Sally could get Natalie and Kevin back together (HUH!??!) then
that would make her look really good (ie: The victim) in the divorce
case... *boggle*
Over t'road, Hayley bumps into Alma outside the Kabin.
Alma is happy to hear Hayley is back at work but Hayley is troubled
further it would seem. Now she's sewing knickers with her new
friends again she feels guilty for not letting them know about
her past. Since they all gave her such great support without "knowing
the real story", as she puts it, she feels it's time she
let them in on it. Alma thinks it's a ridiculous idea, but Hayley
seems quite adamant to let them know.
From the sublime to the ridiculous now... Kevin sits
down with Sally in the Rovers as Natalie (conveniently) is on
hand to collect their empties. In an almost unbearably weak exchange
of dialogue, Sally (who's acting has deteriorated even further
since I last mentioned it!) asks Kevin a series of utterly bizarre
questions like "You and Natalie... do you ever ... talk about
what happened between you?" (??!!) or "What made you
leave her in the end?"... I assume at this point that some
kind of Time Warp has engulfed RSally since surely (and forgive
me if I'm wrong) they already went over and resolved such questions
as "Did you love her?" and "Do you love me?"
when they first got back together again about eight months ago!
This really is scraping the barrel, IMO.
Cut briefly over to the bar where the Baldwins are
having a chat about Hayley. Alma thinks it's "very big"
of Mike to take her back on, but warns him he's "not out
of the woods yet" since Hayley is planning to tell the girls
at work everything. "GORDON BENNETT!" exclaims Baldwin
before we get a quick camera cut back to Kev and Sal at their
table for another execrable exchange of utter rubbish that they've
already been over several billion times. I've tried a few times
to sum up the conversation (which includes the patronisingly hinting
line "But you went for her in a BIG way didn't you...?"
to give you an idea how pathetically obvious Sally is making things)
in a paragraph but it really is too absurd to type up... It ends
with Sally telling a *completely* confused Kevin that she thinks
the reason things aren't working out between them is because he
is still in love with Natalie! Kev is understandly lost.
Over at Firman's Freezers (soon to be FreshCo), Curly
Watts has his lunch hour interrupted by Eric Firman who wants
to make sure the Misfortunate Manager isn't too frightened about
the imminent corporate take-over. Curly puts on a brave face and
says sheepishly "A manager who fears change, fears, well,
life" which prompts Eric to cheerily announce that he won't
bother calling FreshCo then to try and "put in a good word"
for him. Curly springs up at this and makes up a cock n bull story,
saying that while he himself is not in the slightest bit afraid,
no siree, the staff are a bit worried that if there's a change
in upper management it might mean *their* jobs are in jeopardy.
Thus Eric's "putting in a good word" for Curly would
make sure everyone was happy. Amazingly, he agrees and says he'll
"get on the 'phone straight away".
Back over at the Rovers, now, Baldwin seats himself
down next to Hayley (who is still reading her 'overcoming fear'
book) and asks if she's serious about "coming out of the
cupboard or whatever you call it" (his words, not mine).
She tells him she appreciates all he's done (!) but thinks it's
time to let them know. He feels it's a "terrible idea"
and maintains that "they'll be out of that factory quicker
than you can spit and refuse to work with you". Hayley, however,
trusts her friends and says confidently that "they won't
do that" but Baldwin's stance is unmoved as he proceeds to
tell her that they won't be her friends for long when "they
find out they've been sharing the ladies' toilets with a fella
in a skirt"!! Now quite why she didn't knock his block off
(or at least nut him one) at this point is beyond me but she has
more dignity than this and simply tells him she "has more
faith in them" than he does... "Well if you feel like
that, you give it a try, darlin'" are his parting lines...
Cue ad break.
END OF PART ONE
The ad break isn't exciting enough to warrant mention unless the
sight of Nicholas Lyndhurst in drag is one that appeals to you
or you are still (after about 15 years of the exact same ad campaign!!)
unaware that DAZ Washing Powder will "make your whites whiter
than white" (of course, this is of no use whatsoever to a
Goth... where is the Gothic Washing Powder that makes your blacks
blacker than black, eh?)... :)
PART TWO
In the Rovers, Janice is accosting her Gruesome stepson trying
to weasel information out of him about why Baldwin sacked RHayley.
Blandford is typically standoffish and pleads ignorance... When
Janice asks if there was "something going on" between
the two of them Greg morphs into Baldwin himself and says boarishly
(with a hint of a South End accent, no less!) "I don't know,
I don't care and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you!" to
his own Stepmum before telling her to "keep her nose out"
and walking off! The swine!!
Exit Mr Brown, Enter Ms Red. Rita Sullivan enters the
bar and signals for Alec. As a suspicious looking Vera looks on,
Rita apologises to him for their shouting match the previous day
and insists that "this can't go on". She offers peace
and although Alec says there's nothing he'd like more, he adds
mournfully that "it doesn't seem to work, whatever we do"...
Rita won't accept this defeatist attitude and invites him round
for supper to "settle their differences". She seems
chirpy and, despite initial caution from Alec, finally manages
to persuade him to come over at eight.
Over t'other side of t'pub, Hayley sits with Ida and
Janice, gearing herself up to tell them about what has happened
in her past. They are talking about why she was sacked and Hayley
bites the bullet: "Well.." she begins with surprising
confidence, "You know that misunderstanding I was telling
you about..." when all of a sudden her brave speech is interrupted
by the shrieking of a shrew, namely Audreh Roberts yelling "Heeeyyy
you gurrrrls!" before coming over to join the workers for
a drink and a chat about the impending Knicker Party. Argh!!!
None of the girls knew about it, but Janice and Ida are quite
happy to joke around on the matter, especially when they hear
that Sally is apparently going to be modelling the knickers. Hayley
sits, increasingly awkwardly, as the conversation becomes more
and more shuddersomely lewd. Audreh, always the voice of tact,
asks her how Roy would feel if it were Hayley who was "showing
off her bits and pieces in front of the opposite sex"! Hayley
politely smiles and says "I can't imagine" with now
almost none of the confidence she had just a few seconds ago.
Ida recounts a tale of when she went to a knicker party and there
was a fella there which prompts Audreh to ask if it was the fella
who was modelling the goods! Ida assures her he was just the commentator
as Audrey whispers to the table "Thank God. If you're not
safe from perverts at that kind of a do where are you safe?"...
Ida continues to say that he was "on t'other bus" and
the parodied limp wrists are a'flyin'. As Hayley begins to realise
that perhaps her new friends aren't as open-minded as they should
be, Janice insists that homosexuality "just isn't natural"
and that "whatever you say about my Les, he's a REAL MAN".
Hayley nervously tinkers with her pendant and decides to keep
quiet about her history... Granted, in concept that scene was
pretty contrived and over-reliant on coincidence but in execution
it was seriously affecting, if not for the gruelling reminder
that the sort of attitudes exhibited by Janice, Ida and Audrey
*do* exist then for the rude awakening it gave Hayley about the
narrow-mindedness of the girls she considered some of her closest
friends...
Meanwhile at Firman's Freezers, Eric has been on the
phone to FreshCo to inform them that Curly is "dynamic, thrusting..
one of our best executives". Eric goes on to say they (ie:
FreshCo) have no desire to change what doesn't need changing and
since Firman's is "running like a dynamo at the moment"
(so Eric says..) it would appear Curly's job is secure, much to
his relief.
Back at The Rovers, Gruesome Greg is now sitting with
Maxine at a table. He says he's got a sales meeting on in Preston
a bit later so he won't be able to see her til Friday, whereupon
Max reminds him of the Knicker Party on that night, prompting
the imminent discussion. (Prompting the imminent slumber from
me who thinks the whole dire concept has been "discussed"
so many times in the last week there shouldn't be any more to
say about it until the year 2000!) She is confused that Sally
is modelling the knickers since she's "not exactly sexy is
she?" and Blandford smarms her off with a "Well, not
compared to you" line. *puke* Maxine suggests she could do
it (!! What a tart !!) but Greg insists she shouldn't want to
"parade herself around in front of a bunch of old boilers"
adding "Sally Webster maybe, but you're in a different league"!
The deceitful swine!!
Audreh and Ken Borelow are at the bar and she is being
typically Audreh, asking him belittlingly how his job is going
at the Kabin, prompting the sarcastic response from Ken that he's
"thinking of putting in a bid for WH Smith's next week".
Audreh laughs and insists that at least having a job keeps him
out of mischief (!) to which he remarks "Oh yeah, my life's
full of that". She harps on about him and Alec and how they
always seemed to get tied up together (NO! Not like that, you
filthy perverts!) in business ventures thus bringing up the whole
Golden Years matter again and wondering unsubtly if Ken got to
know lots of secrets about those "ladies of a certain age"
that he 'escorted'. Ken retorts "Yes.. There's nothing like
spending time with people to find out what they're really like.
I remember when I first met you thinking how discreet you were...
Just shows how wrong you can be"... Teehee.
Behind the bar, a confused Alec is telling Betty that
he's going over to see Rita but doesn't seem to have any idea
why or what's going to happen. As he rushes off, Vera asks if
"he's going where I think he's going" before adding
"I don't know what she sees in him.... Staring at that bald
head every morning?? It's enough to put you off boiled eggs for
life!"
Baldwin hits the bar and is instantly approached by
Maxine who opens the discussion rather cryptically with "You've
got a strange taste in women!" which obviously leads to the
default defensive response from Mr B: "What's that supposed
to mean???" She explains that her comment was regarding his
choosing of Sally to model knickers at these parties of his and
continues to offer her services for the post, adding "I don't
come cheap though" (I will restrain from the usual venomous
comment here, since I am seeing a marked improvement in Tracy
Shaw's acting...). She wonders how much she'd be paid for such
a thing and Baldwin tells her to ask Greg, since it's "his
baby", adding "I wanted someone else anyway but he seemed
keen on Sally". Ut oh! The look on Max's face indicates there's
some trouble a'brewin'...
Over at Rita's flat, The Big Red One, who tonight is
modelling shoulder pads to rival Sue Ellen's, cooks up some kind
of culinary concoction in a pot which Alec says "smells good".
They leave it cooking and take a bottle of wine into the main
room. They make the rather predictable toast.. "To us"..
and Alec says how much he thinks this is better than "all
that rowing and fighting". They go through a conversation
which I'm sure they've already been through a few dozen times
lately, whereupon Rita admits that although Alec has "driven
her mad" at times, she's knows it's just because he cares,
etc. Just as they've cleared the air, Alec goes and blows it all
by asking her (again) to marry him. As Homer Simpson might say...
"DOH!!!" The look on Rita's face shows she is clearly
uninpressed.
Cut now to the Webster Household where we are *ahem*
treated to one of the worst exchanges of dialogue I've seen recently.
Kevin is wondering what Sally was rabbiting on about earlier regarding
Natalie. She's still trying to persuade him he's in love with
Natalie but Kevin is (as are the rest of us) making no sense at
all out of her weird (not to mention poorly delivered) ramblings.
In the Mother Of All Dreadful Lines, Sally explains "If you
did still fancy her, I could probably handle it now" (!!)
before adding it wouldn't hurt her if Kevin wanted an affair!
Amazingly, Kevin merely responds with "Well, it would hurt
me... if you fancied another bloke" before walking off rather
casually, rendering the whole conversation pointless and implausible.
Blah, blah, blah... *snooze*
Rita and Alec are debating the whole wedding idea,
once more. Alec is telling her that she doesn't even remember
refusing his proposal the first time and if he hadn't told her
about it, she'd be none the wiser and would probably have accepted
this second proposal (What a mouthful!). Rita, on t'other hand,
is insistent that they remain friends but he, visibly gutted,
continues to plead with her, making himself look rather desperate
in the process. "I'm very fond of you, Alec", she reasons,
"but I've already buried two husbands and I've no intentions
of starting out again"... Alec looks mortified, the credits
begin to roll as a Nation of Viewers subconciously whistle "Wheee,
whee whee whewhewheee" and go to fetch a drink...
Sooo.. let's see. On the whole a bit dreary I thought
with a couple of notable exceptions. I didn't notice that this
episode was particularly bad until I came to write the update,
oddly enough, but trying to transcript dialogue as bad as that
exchanged between Kevin and Sally isn't the easiest task and
can quickly bring to light things that otherwise would have gone
unnoticed. Some fine scenes sprinkled hither and dither (Hayley's
attempted "coming out" to her workmates being the high
point) but generally a slightly substandard episode. Of course,
all the points of view offered in this Update are merely my own
and your mileage may vary! :)
Til next time! :)
This Wednesday Update was sponsored by James Ray's
Gangwar (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was
drinking)...
Friday 21 August
Alan's Friday Update
Hiya folks!!!! Hey! It's great to be back and my thanks
to Chris (The_Rattler) Lines and Anne (RAnnie) Wallace in stepping
into my shoes and keeping them warm over the last couple of weeks.
We had a great holiday, just 10 days away, but enough
to get some real benefits. for those of you not too familiar
with the UK coastline, I must says that these islands have the
most varied and splendid scenery. The countries making up GB,
have very differing personalities and characteristics, which
add to the richness of us all who live here. For me, the future
is in maintaining those differences, rather than having a super-national
blandness, while seeking to get mutual benefits for all concerned.
I am a committed European and my own heritage is a rich one,
enabling me to enjoy varied aspects of European culture. Although
I am primarily a Slav, with the pride that Poles have in their
country, I appreciate German, Czech, French and Hungarian culture..
in addition, the accident of birth which means I am a British
citizen, enables me to appreciate the tremendous variety of things
English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish.
We went to West Wales and towed our caravan to a site
near the Pembrokeshire coast. The prime object was to walk parts
of the coastal walk. When my wife announced last year that she
fancied going there, both of us were aware of the fact that it
is an officially designated National Park, a place of special
interest, in terms of geology and wild life. We'd seen the photos,
but we were not prepared for what is probably some of the most
dramatic scenery you will see in the UK (although this is beaten
by the scenery in Scotland). Awesome stuff indeed. We got some
brilliant walking in as a result of great luck on our side, weather-wise.
Those of you who read my update when we went to Lincolnshire
and had the misfortune to pass through Skegness know my view
on brash seaside resorts. I am happy to report some of the most
beautiful unspoilt beaches (not an ice-cream vendor or kiss-me-quick
hat in view for miles) that I have seen in the UK. The largest
resort was Tenby, which is a really tasteful town, with the brash
side confined to a very small area, kept well out of sight, and
a beautiful bay and some splendid beaches.
For us, holidays are not about lazing on the beach,
nor are we really culture-vultures. I guess we enjoy the variety
of the scenery and marvel in that little miracle, we also enjoy
local foods, beers, etc. those of you outside the UK, who have
been following our weather over here will know that it has been
an abysmal summer. Very wet and overcast, cool and a general
lack of sun. Apparently anti-depressant prescription has rocketed
this year (I *AM* serious). The effect on the tourist industry
has not been a happy one, as people have cancelled holidays in
the UK and either stayed at home or gone abroad. On our first
night in Pembroke, we went to a local pub, which was listed in
the Good Beer Guide. We were expecting traditional basic pub
fare but were very surprised to find a place with a superb atmosphere,
friendly staff, great beers and a really good restaurant - far
better than one would normally expect in a village pub. They
were in all sorts of good food guides, apparently, and this came
as no real surprise. All in all we went there for a drink once
and for a couple of meals during our stay away from home. The
sad part is that the people running this marvellous business,
with nothing that I could fault about their operation, had had
a quiet season and last Saturday, they only had two weeks of
the season to make up for lost time and revenue. The problem?
The weather! Something totally beyond their control, which would
have a major impact on their livelihood. I am not writing this
specifically, to give a plug to the Dial Inn at Lamphey, which
is about 10 miles west of Tenby (<G>), more to say that
these sorts of people do need and deserve our support. They provide
something rather precious and enjoyable, obviously that much
more enjoyable when the elements are in their favour, but still
pleasant nonetheless. We were lucky with our weather, but I am
sure the holiday would still have been enjoyable even if the
we had been less fortunate.
Talking about lack of control, brings me back to one
of the other benefits of holidays. They provide, quite literally
a change of scenery, away from the normal routines and pressures.
We all benefit from such a change, particularly people like me
who work from home and consequently, spend a lot more time than
most in the same surroundings. Holidays for us are never restful...
for me, the time to rest is when I die... but that change of
pressure gives an opportunity to reflect, subconsciously on things.
This year has brought all sorts of difficulties my way and, over
the last few weeks, I have started to tackle some of those as
I have formulated various options. The week or so away reinforced
some of those decisions and made us think about what we want
from life.
For a long time, I have been fascinated by "I
Ching", the Chinese Book of Changes. One of the messages
this ancient Chinese book tries to get across is that nothing
stays the same forever, life is a constant series of different
phases as we change from one phase to another. Work has been
of great importance for a long time and recently, the emphasis
has started to moved, for me, away from that, more towards enjoying
our time left on this planet. Trude turned 50 in January and
my 50th will be next August, so we are starting to appreciate
the importance of grasping and enjoying the moment. Woohoo!!!
We took a number of decisions which will hopefuly help us to
achieve this change in emphasis.
Probably the one negative aspect of being away, was
enforced Internet absence. The saints were not smiling kindly
on me in this respect. Trude saw a leaflet for a Cybercafe in
nearby Tenby and, much to my surprise, actually made me aware
of it - I suppose the prospect of taking a couple of hundred
leaflets and binning them was too much, even for her, which much
be a marker of her increased tolerance for this time-demanding
interest of mine. Anyway, I got myself psyched up for a net session,
to find that, I couldn't get through to their news server, their
new network would not allow us to get through on the IRC and
the web and I couldn't remember the correct password to look
at my e-mail remote. Hmmmm! Wonder if someone was trying to tell
me something!!! Ten days away from it all... absolute purgatory,
but we are back online now and apart from a quick thank you to
readers for their favourable response to the return of my prologue,
it's now time for business.... I still owe you an update for
the episode for 31st July, but, in the meantime, it's time for
the update....
The episode commences at The Rovers. Betty is asking
Alec how he went on with Rita "So am I to put my best frock
into the cleaner's?". "Well, not on my account, no!"
is Alec's disappointed reply. He wonders why he just didn't take
"No for an answer in the first place. I must be a glutton
for punishment!" When Betty asks whether there is any hope
of Rita changing her mind, Alec owns up that he doubts that...
he tries to console himself by saying that Rita is right, they
are too old, too set in their ways. Betty pours cold water on
that idea, pointing out that she and her Billy were older than
Rita and Alec and they didn't give up. Alec tells her that, after
all the years, he and Rita have been through too much together,
maybe they know each other too well. Betty puts it all down to
the accident, that Rita is worried that Alec is asking her because
she (Rita) needs looking after. Alec agrees that part of him does
want to look after her, "what's wrong with that?" Betty
tries to point out how independent Rita is, "or how stubborn
she is" adds Alec, "when her mind is made up, there's
nowt will shift her."
We move to the Webster residence .... Kevin is getting
the gurls ready and telling them to get their coats on. There's
a knock at the door.... Not it's not a Jehovah's Witness or a
Double Glazing salesman... it's worse... it's Mr Personality aka
Joe 90 aka Frank Spencer/Jim Carrey.... Well, it's Greg, on a
randy early morning call to see Sally - he's so brazen, he's now
calling on her knowing that Kevin is still at home. Kev answers
the door, calls Sally and asks in Lover Boy. Sally is in dry knickers
and is surprised to see Greg calling so early for her. He tells
her he was hoping to get her on her own for an hour or two....
(I bet he was!!! And to have a tonsil-probing session while Sally
is lying on her back, thinking of Salami....) ... if it's alright
with Kevin. He tells Kev he wants to give Sally the benefit of
his extensive experience (in the distance I hear Kenneth Williams
saying "oooh, isn't he bold, Mr Horne" but that merely
dates me and my radio listening habits). It's "Sales Training"
he explains "for the lingerie party this evening" ...nudge,
nudge, wink, wink, say no more!!! When Kevin asks whether he should
be doing that across the road, Greg says they really need to be
doing a "one to one to go through all the products... knopfwurst,
salami, liverwurst, and the like..." (ooops sorry, wrong
script!), "we won't get any peace over there". He explains
that he's cleared it all with Mike and asks Kevin for his OK.
As Kev is quite prepared to play the part of a dumb doormat (if
you can have such a thing), he tells him that Sally can do as
she pleases, he has already made his views known on her selling
sexy underwear. Slimy Greg tells him not to knock it, as Sally
stands to make a tidy sum once she gets the hang of it. "There's
more to life than money, Greg" replies Kevin, presumably
thinking about intricacies such as Camshafts, The Offside Rule
and other pastimes. Sally kisses the gurls goodbye and exeunt
stage right with Kevin as Wimp of the Day. Once the coast is clear,
Sally is amazed as Greg's brass (funny.. thought it was a Pine
Stump, but there you go...) "What are you trying to do? Give
me a heart attack? 'One to one'? He's not exactly stupid, you
know!" she tells Greg (at this stage we realise that, if
she can't she that he is, then she must be pretty dumb herself....)
Greg protests that he is here to work (hahahahahah!!!), they have
the whole morning ahead of them. Sally asks whether she is going
to be deprived of her morning kiss and that is a cue for a wrestling
session to commence.
We are at Firman's Freezers...not we're not... it's
now called Freshco, since the take-over. Curly is pretty anxious..
he is expecting a visit from the new Management and is trying
to get the staff all chivvied up. Looking at some of them, they
are obviously a few sarnies short of a picnic. He telling Joan,
one of the staff not to shrug when a customer asks them a question,
as if they are completely crazy when they ask for something they
haven't got! He recommends that she should offer them an alternative,
she is there to help them!!! Wow!! Bet that's a novel concept!!
Viewers note that the girl doesn't say a word, which means, that
she is either a non-speaking member of the cast or is playing
someone genuinely dumb. Curly entreats her to "Smile"....
Conscious that the other staff are looking on, he adds "and
that goes for everyone else!" He tells them that he wants
his staff putting in 110% effort, every customer that comes into
the store, he wants them treating like VIPs. He goes over to another
of the female staff, notices she has a stain on her uniform and
tells her that she is to change into a clean uniform - this request
is greeted with an "awwwwwwww!!" Parents of any youngsters
from speaking age upwards recognise this call!! Alma comes over
and asks Curly what has got into him this morning... he tells
her that he is trying to save their jobs. When Alma comments that
she thought that Mr Firman was going to put a good word in for
them, Curly rightly points out that Eric Firman is yesterday's
news. Alma asks whether things are going to change, Curly replies
that he has been doing his homework on Freshco Plc and he doesn't
like what he has found out, "Well, they're Americans for
a start!" "Oh! I see! That's why you wanted us to start
being all smarmy with the customers" is Alma's riposte. "Oh
no no! They place customer care at the centre of their Retail
Philosophy" he says, obviously quoting from some "I
did it MY way" management text book. He adds that they have
this reputation of being hard-headed when they see things they
don't like. According to his spies, Freshco senior management
have this nasty habit of turning up unannounced at stores, just
to see how they are run - in fact, the American owner of the company,
Alan Busselmeyer, or Al Freshco (sic!!! Hahahahaha!) as he likes
to be known, has this nasty habit of coming along in disguise
as a customer. When Alma pooh-poohs the idea of someone coming
all they way from America to some crummy little supermarket in
Weatherfield, Curly is not so sure. He suddenly nearly has a fit
when he sees a crushed packet of cornflakes (surely a hanging
offence).
We are now in The Rovers. Smarmy Greg is telling Sally
that, although the punters have got to be aware of the quality
of the product, it's as much about the atmosphere as anything,
getting them in the buying mood. Sally expresses the hope that
a couple of bottles of wine will do the trick. Greg warns her
not to be too generous with the vino, they want to show a profit.
Sally admits to him that she is so nervous, her heart is pounding
away. He tries to put her at her ease, saying that she should
just think of it as a few drinks with the girls and expresses
surprise that someone like her should have so little self-confidence.
"Well that's what happens when you get stuck in the home,
looking after two little kids" explains Sally. He tells her
that he has every confidence in her. Sally asks whether she will
see him later.... He replies "Of course, we'll need to have
a debrief" - hahahahah! Is that what they call it?? "I
like the sound of that!" says RSal, to which he comments
that she's got knickers on the brain. In the meantime, Maxine
has come into the pub. She has ordered her drink and is obviously
non too chuffed to see her fella (so she thinks) paying all this
attention to Sally and not to her. She comes over to the randy
couple. Sally makes her excuses and leaves and when Maxine asks
what that was all about, he replies that he was just trying to
gee up the sales staff. She passes comment that he has quite a
soft spot for Sally. When he asks what that is supposed to mean,
Maxine tells him that he was lying, that Mike Baldwin had told
him Greg had chosen Sally for the knicker parties. He admits this
was the case and maintains that he had to suggest someone, as
Mike was going to suggest Liz McDonald - he makes out that he
did not consider Maxine as he thought the job was beneath her
(lying toad!)... Maxine is exasperated by the lies, saying that
first of all he had maintained that he had not chosen Sally, now
he was saying that he had done. When he expresses surprise at
the big deal she is making out of it all, she tells him that this
would have been an opportunity for them to work together and instead
he was working with her (precisely, gal!!). He decides to bluff
his way out of it all, by saying that if it means so much to Maxine,
then he will sack Sally- he then proceeds to call Sally, whereupon
Maxine misses the bluff and tells him that she doesn't want Sally
sacked. When Sally comes over, Maxine does some quick thinking
(!!!) and asks Sally what time the knicker party is due to start.
When Sally tells her that it is from 6 p.m. onwards, Maxine asks
whether anyone can come... a puzzled Sally confirms that this
is the case "the more the merrier", whereupon Maxine
announces that she will the there, much to everyone else's surprise
and Sally's disappointment.
We are back at Firman's, sorry Freshco, and Curly has
taken to stalking customers "Hello madam, everything to your
satisfaction?" He asks Alma to clean the aisle. As Alma goes
to do the job she is accosted by an American - he asks whether
they have any courgettes, "I think you call them that here?
Back home we call them zucchini." Alma takes the customer
over to the appropriate aisle and hot-foots it back to Curly.
She announces to him that she thinks she has recognised the incognito
Freshco management. Curly's paranoia goes into overdrive......
... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End
of part 1...
After the ads, it's Part 2:
We commence the second part of the episode in Freshco, where Curly
and Alma are trying to suss out our mysterious American. "He's
definitely a mover and a shaker", announces Curly, "you
can tell that just by looking at him, he's got that certain aura
around him. What did he want, exactly?" "Courgettes,
I think" replies Alma. "Anything else?" asks our
dynamic manager, to which the answer appears to be lettuce and
celery. When Alma asks him whether he is going to introduce himself,
Curly reckons that this is not the right way to go about things,
the customer will rumble special favoured treatment, they've got
to act casually.... "Well, that's OK" says Alma, "because
he is asking Dozy Jones something!" Instant panic on Curly's
face as the cool facade is abandoned and Curly hot-foots to the
customer. "Is there a problem, sir?" he asks our American
friend. "Two staff for every customer, I am impressed!"
exclaims the bemused man. The camera moves to Curly and we see
the sickening sight of a smarmy greasy grin on his face. Retch!
At the Rovers, Rita has come in for a drink. Alec serves
her, but he is very cool, having been rejected by Rita. "So
am I in the doghouse, now?" she asks. "I don't know
what gives you that impression" is Alec's unconvincing reply,
to which Rita says "well, the face on you - you look like
you have lost a pound and found a penny." Alec tries to shrug
this off by jesting that surely Rita did not expect dancing on
the tables, to which Rita agrees, but points out that she did
not expect the cold shoulder either. Alec is hurt and hits back
"I think that is your speciality, Rita." "Sarcasm
now, is it? Perhaps I should go drinking someone else?" she
suggests. Alec tells her that this will not be necessary. Rita
suggests going through to the back to clear the air, but Alec
tells her that this is not convenient as the room is being prepared
for the knicker party, and when she suggests an alternative, Alec
is still playing hard to get, as there are customers who need
serving - Rita is astonished at this suggestion, "what are
you talking about, it's dead."
At that stage, Audrey and Maxine arrive for the party
and are greeted by Vera, who ushers them into the back.
As they go through, Jack asks Vera whether Sally is
going to be "modelling this underwear in the flesh",
we can almost see the pictures going through Jack's mind. Vera
tells him that this isn't the case, but if he plays his cards
right, she might give him a private showing when the others have
gone home. The expression on his face changes to one of horror!!!
"I can't wait!" is his reply.
In the back room, the girls have gone through and are
greeted with drinks by Sally. Judeh and Janice are already there.
Sally expresses surprise at Janice's presence as there is nothing
here that she hasn't seen already at the factory. Janice tells
her that this may be the case, but she's heard these parties are
a right laugh. After handing out the drinks, Sally gets the show
on the road. She starts to read her announcement spiel and very
quickly realises it is not her. "Oh, I can't be doing with
all this waffle! Do you wanna see me knickers?" she asks
the crowd! Mirth and jollity abound.
We are at Freshco and the delighted American customer
announces "Well, this is the first time, I've ever been escorted
around a supermarket by the Manager." Curly, anxious to gain
kudos, tells him that this is a personal initiative introduced
by himself, "we like to make our customers feel... special!"
"I can see that. I thought we had the monopoly on that kind
of thing back home" replies our American. Curly tries to
explain that over here, stores are in the dark ages when it comes
to customer services "but we're not like that." He tells
the customer that his shopping will be packed up for him and wonders
whether he would like to take advantage of their complimentary
coffee service. "You give customers coffee at the checkout?"
asks the surprised customer. "Next you'll be telling me I
don't have to pay" he jokes, as he and Curly fall about laughing.
Curly wonders whether he might like to enjoy the benefits of their
loyalty card, but our friend announces he is only in town for
a few days. "Really? Are you here on business or pleasure
or maybe a little bit of both?" fishes Curly, to which the
reply is that the customer is retired. He goes on to explain that
his brother works over here and that he has arrived for his niece's
wedding. "Well may I say, it's been a pleasure and an honour
to serve you, sir" greases Curly as we reach for the sick-bucket
being unable to take any more of this saccharine. The overwhelmed
customer takes his leave to meet his niece is waiting for him
in the car-park, as Curly announces to Alma "well, I handled
that extremely well, even if I say so myself. Do you know, he
tried to pass himself off as an American tourist? I didn't fall
for that for one minute!" Why do we get the impression that
this has all been a terrible case of mistaken identity? We see
"Uncle Victor" being greeted by his niece, who tells
him that Auntie Joyce is in the car and they wonder whether he
might fancy a trip out to Castle Howard.
Rita is continuing to explain herself to Alec. She
is trying to reassure him, that, no matter how it looked when
she turned him down, she was very touched by his offer of marriage.
"Oh you were, were you?" replies a hurt Alec. She tries
to tell him that it was nothing personal. Alec is even more hurt
and asks how having a marriage proposal turned down cannot be
taken personally. She continues her explanation... it's not that
she didn't want to marry Alec, she doesn't want to marry anybody,
she feels she is past all that. She tells him that she is very
fond of him, but her words are not having the effect for which
she had hoped and end up hurting Alec even more. (After all, the
last thing you really want to hear from someone you love is that
they are fond of you.... Nothing, short of reciprocated love will
suffice.) When she tells him that he is not making it easy for
her, Alec's hurt bubbles over. She is the one who is insisting
on raking things up, he tells her. She insists that she wants
to clear the air and doesn't want to come into the place with
an atmosphere around. Alec becomes obtuse and replies "We're
a pub, we thrive ourselves on having an atmosphere." She
brings him up, saying that he knows full well what she meant.
He assures her that normal service will be resumed very shortly.
She tells him that she is very flattered and if she were ten years
younger, five even... Alec sees the possibility of a route back
and seizes on the opportunity to demolish the objection. She clearly
wants to close the topic as it has all been aired before, but
Alec is still looking for a way through. He insists that surely
the fact they are of mature years should be an opportunity grasped
by them both and asks her to reconsider. She asks him not to pursue
the matter further as she has no wish to refuse him again. A hurt
and dejected Alec makes his disappointed way back to the bar.
As he does so, the pain becomes too much for him "I think
you're right, you should find somewhere else to drink" he
announces to a stunned Rita. From the look on her face, it is
clear that, for the first time, Rita really appreciates how deeply
she has hurt Alec.
In the back room of the Rovers, the knicker party is
in full swing as Sally announces a particular favourite garment
of hers. Janice makes the unhelpful statement that "this
stuff has done my sex life more harm than good." She points
out that having drawers of the stuff, you'd have thought it would
have done wonders for her sex life, but the novelty wears off!!
Just what Sally wants to hear while she is trying to flog the
stuff, I don't think!! Janice tells her that see-through nightie
which Sally was promoting was not even noticed by Les when she
put it on recently. Janice seems to have struck a chord with the
girls and Vera is next to tells them that, no matter what she
puts on, "our Jack is dead from the waist down!" Great
hilarity from all and sundry. When Vera wonders why men don't
tart themselves up to look sexy, Sally tells her that she has
the very thing. She brings out a skimpy set of undies. Even more
raucous laughter from the girls, as the party rapidly degenerates.
At Freshco, a jubilant Curly is celebrating the successful
positive impression he has made on the company's owner and offers
a glass of champagne to Alma, thanking her for tipping him off
about the incognito owner. When Alma asks whether, perhaps he
thinks he might have overdone it a bit, Curly is adamant "Did
you see his face? He was in raptures. I think the future of Weatherfield
Freshco is looking very rosy indeed!" he exclaims. "in
fact, in 6 months, I could be heading Freshco UK!" There
is a knock on the door... "Come in" invites Curly...
enter Anne Malone.... A puzzled look on Curly's face emerges.
"Anne! What are you doing here?" One smiling Miss Malone
announces "I'm the new Area Manager", as we see the
smile wiped off Curly's face. "I hope you didn't mind me
turning up out of the blue. I didn't want you making an fuss.
Were you celebrating something?" Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!
The knicker party is in full swing as we hear Maxine
telling the throng that she doesn't need any of this stuff to
get her Greg going. Audrey tells them that Maxine may have a figure
like Brigitte Bardot but the rest of them need all the help they
can get. Maxine is nicely plastered and announces that, although
she is not bragging or anything (not much!!), "but Greg is
very attentive in that department" (what department is that?
Cold meat?) Judeh adds that her Gareh can be "very passionate."
Maxine continues her point-scoring and gloats about how her Greg
"knows how to treat a woman, not like the other creeps I've
been out with before. You know, once, we spent a whole day in
bed!" (This reminds me of a youngster in my wife's class,
a number of years ago, who announced that his father had spent
all Sunday in bed, to which Trude asked "I'm sorry to hear
that! Is he ill?" and the reply came back "No! Bone
idle!") Anyway, during all of this bragging, the purple monster
(No! not Tinky^ the Teletubbie!) inside Sally gets more agitated,
as she finds it harder and harder to come to terms with Maxine
talking about "doing IT" with Greg. She tries to rescue
the show by unveiling more items of skimpy apparel, but to no
avail. Janice joins in the action and describes how she and her
Les got really frisky up the stairs on a number 8 bus - Les had
said it was the nearest they had ever got to joining the Mile
High Club. Maxine is trying to score another point, as Sally gets
more and more flustered. Max reveals how she and Greg once did
it in the factory - "ooooh"s all round - "in Mike
Baldwin's office" she tells them and the place erupts as
Janice says "I can't think of a better turn on!"
Sally storms out of the back room to see Greg propping
up the bar. When he asks how things are going, she tells him that
she is hating every minute of it. "They are all drunk and
talking about sex" she tells him, at which stage his face
lights up and he wonders whether he should pop his head around
the door. "Especially your girl friend", continues Sally,
"who takes great delight in telling the whole world every
sordid detail about what you and her get up to." Greg tries
to placate her by saying that they had both agreed it was in their
interest to deflect attention away from their affair by making
sure Greg was still seeing Maxine. "It was you that told
me to keep her sweet" is Greg's statement. "Well, you
are obviously doing a wonderful job. You obviously get a kick
out of seducing women in that factory. How many have there been?"
she asks. Greg replies "I know it's hard, but it won't be
forever" at which stage a mouthful of food leaves my wife's
face at jet propulsion speed - it has to be a testament to our
gutter-like minds, as we take a number of minutes mopping up the
tears of laughter streaming down both our faces (got to be the
quote of the episode!)... Sally tells him she doesn't accept his
statement, that he is loving every minute of it, "two women
on the go at the same time, it's every fella's fantasy" (hey
Sal! The fantasy is not QUITE the way YOU describe it!!!) She
tells him that the whole thing is totally stupid and she doesn't
know why she is putting up with it. Janice passes by to inform
Sally that they are all twiddling their thumbs next door. When
she has gone, Greg tells Sally that she is only has to put up
with it for another half an hour and then the girls will have
gone home and they will be able to have a proper chat. Sally tells
him that he can have a proper chat with his "girl friend,
Maxine, that's if she's capable of an adult conversation...."
(Oooh! Bitch! Bitch!) "I mean it Greg, I've had enough!"
Vera is taking a couple of bottles of wine through
to the back. She bumps into Alec, who tells her that they could
do with an extra pair of hands in the bar - she points out that
now he knows what it feels like (this being a reference to Alec's
absence looking after the Kabin). She says that "we all know
what's put your back up don't we? Well she's told you to take
a running jump, hasn't she?" He accuses Betty of divulging
his private business. Vera is on a roll and informs Alec that
they rumbled him ages ago "and now your little plan has backfired,
you're left with me and him aren't you?", she says nodding
towards Jack, "well it serves you right." Jack is embarrassed
at Vera's lack of discretion and tries to change the topic, but
Alec has heard something unpleasant and wants to grasp the nettle.
He asks what Vera is insinuating. When Vera won't come clean,
he presses Jack for the reason. Jack admits Vera was concerned
that if Alec and Rita got married, they might try to squeeze Vera
and himself out of the pub. Alec tells him that nothing could
be further from his mind, but when Jack begs him to forget it,
Alec is unwilling to do this - he has been hurt again and this
statement has left a very nasty taste in his mouth.
Bugsy Malone is telling Curly how she joined Freshco
immediately she left this place and worked her way up from the
till. Fortunately, the boss took a shine to her, so she rose up
through the ranks pretty quickly. Curly is getting more despondent
by the minute and this gets worse when she informs him that "he
rang me from Head Office in Colorado, this morning, told me to
give this place special attention." "Colorado? So he's
not in England now, then?" asks Curly. Anne tells him that
"he only comes to England once a year, doesn't need to. Can
do everything he needs to, by computer. Sales and performance,
staff levels.. got them all at his fingertips..." Curly's
brain has been working overtime, as he realises that the American
customer to whom he'd paid all this special attention, thinking
he was the boss, was in fact, nothing more than... an ordinary
customer... Anne announces that now she has got a good picture
of the place, she'll get off home.
When she leaves, Alma comes over to Curly. She is clearly
unaware of the bad history between Curly and Anne, thinking that
Anne was an old friend. "Friend! She's a psychopath"
exclaims Curly. Alma thinks that she was quite pleasant, but recognises
that Anne didn't look too happy to see them drinking. Curly is
beside himself at the prospect ahead. "Alma, she's deranged!
She's a bunny boiler!! She's dead behind the eyes!", he says
and goes on to tell the history of how, when he had spurned Anne's
advances, she had made a charge of sexual harassment against him
and tried to get him sacked. He recognises that Anne wants revenge
and as she is his boss, it is within her power.... And with that....
.....it is the cue for music and credits
Episode written by Mark Wadlow
All material is, and remains, copyright property of
ITV Television.
Well, how was it for me?
All in all a pretty light hearted episode. Main comedy
provided by the girls attending Sally's knicker party, with lovely
bits of raucous humour. My better half tells me that this was
pretty realistic stuff when a group of women get a few drinks
in them. Me - I wouldn't dare comment!!!
The only aspect that continues to grate is Sally's
involvement with Greg. Her situation is realistic enough, what
is totally unconvincing is the actor's abilities (or lack of
them) in portraying Greg, but this aspect has been well aired
in the past.
The Firman's/Freshco saga has some light hearted moments
as we see Curly at his most obsequious, trying to curry favour.
What it does capture, pretty accurately, though, is the paranoia
when there is a change of ownership or management in a business
and how, very often, careers depend on personal relationships.
Curly's worst nightmare has come to pass with the return of the
Wicked Witch, Anne Malone, as his boss, with all the resulting
fears this brings about....
For me, the most touching, though, was Alec's portrayal
of a jilted suitor. One of the saddest aspects of any relationship,
as I know well enough, is where the feelings of the two parties
are not entirely in unison. The more positive partner in the
friendship has aspirations, hopes, dreams, expectations. It is
a cruel blow to have those dreams shattered, by the other party
who doesn't quite feel the same way about the relationship. The
resulting hurt is difficult to repair and results in aggressive
behaviour, which is often totally out of character, but is merely
a way of trying to cope with the body blow of rejection. There
has been a certain amount of discussion in the Newsgroup and
on the Guest Book as to whether Alec should or shouldn't get
together with Rita. For me, episodes such as this and the ones
we have seen over the last few weeks, show a compassionate aspect
to Alec's personality. He and Rita have had a long standing friendship,
sometimes not that friendly, as he has pulled all sorts of devious
stunts in the past. But love can emerge from the most inauspicious
and unlikely of settings and what we have seen is what happens
in a relationship, when its nature changes. Rita has grown to
see some endearing aspects to Alec's personality and has become
fond of him. With Alec, the relationship has gone deeper, with
the realisation that the affection has turned to love, but now,
that it is a one-sided love. I recognise life does not always
present happy endings, but the soppy romantic in me wants to
see a happy outcome to this story. Time will tell.... In the
meantime, well done Roy and Barbara for an excellent portrayal
of the situation.
Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take
care...
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan
Sunday 23 August
Breakfast, Battersby's. Les is commenting on an article
in his paper about a man in America with 22 children by 10 different
women. Although the 22 children would be two football teams, he'd
rather have the latter - would probably cost less to keep. Toyah
teases him about his choice of reading matter, but he is adamant
that this story must be true because it's in the paper. She tells
him to get a life of his own, and not be so vicarious - a choice
of word which she then has to explain to him, who then asks where
she's learned a fancy word like that. 'Oh, in a magazine', she
lies. Les returns the tease and asks whether the article was between
one on 'How to bag your bloke' and one on 'How to lose your feller'?
Just because she's had one letter printed in a teen magazine doesn't
mean she's the next Jackie Collins. 'You won't say that when I'm
a famous War Correspondent' retorts RToyah, adding that they should
have received her second article by now, on the subject of Sad
middle aged nerds with no lives - 'and it's based on you.' 'Oi,
I'm not middle aged', replies Les.
Janice breaks them up with the post delivery. There's
a postcard from Les's sister in Morocco, and a letter for RToyah,
which distresses her when she reads it, running off to her room.
Alma is pushing a trolley round Firman's, when Anne
Malone comes to re-introduce herself. She wonders if Alma knows
why Curly hasn't turned in for work today, which is news to Alma.
There is something sinister about Ms Malone's enquiry.
Curly is troughing his cornflakes when the phone rings,
perhaps it's Alma, warning him that Anne Malone is after him.
But we don't know, because he just turns up his music and ignores
the phone.
In the Kabin, Ken checks with Rita whether he should
order some more 'Good Luck with your Driving Test' cards, but
Rita is in one of her vague moods. He comments that they've seen
nothing of Alec today, but Rita tells him that things are a little
difficult with Alec at the moment. Ken suggests that Alec's non-presence
is perhaps a blessing as he rather tended to take over. Rita is
not pleased, explaining that Alec was helping her in her time
of need.
Kevin has his head buried in a car bonnet as Natalie
arrives. He explains that he's just waiting for Sally to sign
the documents, and then the money will be hers and the business
all his. They talk about Sally's after hours job - Natalie is
pleased by his 'new man' attitude of letting his wife go off selling
sexy underwear. He goes into Mr Angry mode again, asking what
she really expected of him.
Curly is watching a Western on TV at home when there's
a knock at the door. He can't ignore this as easily, and he admits
Alma, and it was her phoning earlier. He tells her that he doesn't
care if she's come to tell him that he's lost his job. He's contemplating
his future under Anne Malone - Freshco's version of Lucrezia Borgia.
Alma tries to stick up for Anne Malone's apparent change of personality,
but Curly won't have it. What can he do? The woman has it in for
him. He reckons that his only choice is resignation.
Rita comes into the Rovers for a Gin & Tonic, and
Alec makes an excuse to avoid serving her. Jack steps in, and
asks her whether Alec is still trying to get her up the aisle
- well it is common knowledge isn't it? Isn't it? Rita isn't happy
with Jack either, doesn't want the World and his wife to discuss
her business over Jack's bar. Jack puts his foot in it still further
and tells her to accept Alec's offer, even though 'he's no oil
painting, but he assures me that all his bits are in working order.'
Rita threatens to take her custom elsewhere if Jack says another
word.
Les and Janice are in the Rovers, wondering if Toyah
has boyfriend trouble, but as Les points out, she hasn't got one.
Janice reminisces that she had load of boyfriends when she were
Toyah's age. 'Yeah, but you were a right sl.. , er a right good
looker, Jan' says Les, 'anyway, if she has got a boyfriend, it'd
better not be that eco-divvy with the bony head.' He wants to
protect her from growing up, but Janice tells him that Toyah has
already learned all she needs from her magazines, to Les's surprise.
Alma is still trying to convince Curly that he can
surely do a deal with the new, changed Anne Malone, rather than
resign. Curly cannot see how he could work for someone who tried
to get him sacked for sexual harassment when it was in fact her
who was doing the harassing. He is adamant that his career is
over.
Janice has promised RToyah that Les will get her a
computer, and he reports back that Charlie West hasn't got any
in at the moment, but what he has got is an old typewriter which
he's going to bring round in the morning. This doesn't impress
Janice, who accuses him of being a cheapskate - does he want RToyah
to be the only one at school without a computer? She goes on to
tell him that he doesn't care about Leanne & Toyah, all he
worries about is where his next pint is coming from. This seems
to hit a nerve with Les, and he promises to see what he can do
about a computer - anything for a bit of peace!
Curly is perusing the Sits Vac in the Weatherfield
Gazette when he is irritated by another caller. It's Anne Malone
- 'I tracked you down, Norman. Aren't you going to invite me in?'
END OF PART ONE
She's come to tell him how difficult it is for her
after what happened at Firman's before, but once Freshco took
over Firman's it was inevitable. She says she's felt guilty about
the sexual harassment business, and tries to apologise, saying
she's changed, that wasn't the real her. Curly would rather stick
a red hot poker in his eye than work under the same roof as her.
Kevin is telling Natalie that they (he and Sally) can't
go on like they are doing, Natalie suggests that if Sally is goading
Kevin into leaving her, then he ought to call her bluff and offer
to leave. He denies that he could do it, but Natalie encourages
him to believe that it would be better than carrying on, and staying
together just for the gurrrllllls. As she is saying this, she
is adjusting the collar on his shirt, an action that does not
go unnoticed by Greg, who just happens past.
Anne is still trying to get Curly to give her another
chance, and not walk out on a good job. He could have big opportunities
with Freshco - she'd even put a good word in with Al Freshco for
him. And if it didn't work out, he could go at any time, and she'd
make sure he got a decent payoff. 'What do you say, Curly?'
RToyah is performing in Roy's Rolls, doing the Service
with a snarl bit to a woman customer who complained that her tea
was cold and would she change it. Toyah tells her that she's not
surprised it's cold because she's been sitting with it for half
an hour. Gail 'Customer Relations' Platt comes to the customer's
rescue. Toyah tells her that they ought to bar the 'old wrinklies'
because they take up space, and they can't be making any money
out of them. Gail warns her to improve her attitude, or she might
be out of a job. Toyah is still grumpy when Ken comes in, and
tells him about the rejection of her article. Ken, in a rare display
of tactfulness today, tells her that she will have to get used
to rejections, but Toyah believes that he thinks she's crap, which
he denies.
He tells her from his personal experience of seventeen
rejections initially from the Weatherfield Recorder, and how James
Joyce had a stack of rejections. 'Did he work for the Weatherfield
Recorder too?' 'No, he was a novelist, and he didn't really make
it big until after he was dead'. ' A fat lot of good that is to
anyone!' At that, she storms out.
Yawn. Underworld. After a quick bit of osculation Greg
tells her how he thinks Kevin is getting back with Natalie. He
couldn't be sure, but they looked close. He suggests she asks
Kevin.
RToyah comes home to an excited Les and Janice, who
present her with an ICL laptop. Sadly, RToyah is too disillusioned
about her journalistic career to be enthusiastic, or charitable,
about the gift. 'Stuff it' she says. Janice recognises the mood,
and suggests they give it to her again later.
Anne Malone is leaving Curly's, asking him to think
about what she's said. She really hopes they can work together
again, and throws in the invitation to come round for dinner,
with her and Simon. 'Simon?' splutters Curly? 'Simon's the man
I'm seeing, ........ we're thinking of having a baby, actually'
RToyah really has a munk on, and is ripping up the
magazine that so callously rejected her article. Suddenly she
has an idea, and goes to the phone. Dialling 999, she tells the
Police operator that 'This is the National Animal Freedom Front
- we've planted a bomb in the offices of 'Only Sixteen' magazine'.
And Sally's reading the paper as Kevin comes home.
She tells him how her spy saw Natalie visit the garage, and makes
it plain that she thinks he's back with her. He keeps denying
it, and repeats that he wants to stay with her, but it's clear
that Sally doesn't want to believe him.
In the back parlour of the Rovers, Vera is moaning
to Alec that he's not pulling his weight, spending his time with
Rita. He reminds her that he is a partner, not an employee, and
hurries out, keen to find peace and quiet - perhaps in the middle
of the M6. Alec leaves, Jack enters, demanding help behind the
bar.
RToyah is in a better mood when Les and Janice get
home, and accepts the gift of the computer which Les says he gave
a hundred quid for. Janice reminds her that Les might be a good
for nothing layabout, but he does have faith in her. One day,
RToyah will be a great writer, and make the Battersbys famous.
There's a knock at the door, it's a policeman. Janice's
first thought is to know what Les has been up to now, but Les
is able to deny all knowledge of a hoax bomb warning from their
telephone about three quarters of an hour ago. 'We've been in
the pub, there's been no one here.... except..' Cut to a rather
sheepish Toyah.....
Written by Jim O'Hanlon
Dewey
Monday 24 August
What's this ? Away for a fortnight and can't even
get the right day on his return ! I've swapped with Dewey this
week, and he will be doing the Sunday episode which I managed
to fail to tape. My VCR is just a little bit *too* clever on
occasions, and while I am about 101% sure I set it before going
on my hols, I am also now about 90% sure I know why it failed
to work as expected. So, Alan has lent me this tape, and for
yet more complicated reasons, it has worked out easier for Dewey
and I to mutually scratch backs. Perhaps it would have been easier
if I had asked Sandy to cover for 3 weeks.
I hope you enjoyed Sandy's excellent efforts. Did
he explain exactly why he sometimes signs himself "Glyn"
? No ? He wouldn't tell me, either. In fact, I am only *presuming*
from experience that "Sandy" is a he. He could be a
she, you know, Sandy's sometimes are. No offence either way round.
A hearty round of applause for his stand-ins. I owe him a pint
for each !
So, that it's it for us this year. Holiday's over.
The tan is fading already. [Mixture of lack of sunlight and excess
rain.] The nose is firmly back to the grindstone. But, over a
week on, I can dimly recall having an excellent time. It's a
very strange experience, going on holiday just a few miles away
from where my parents have lived for nearly 30 years [and me
for the first 10], yet it being a place we never ever visited.
Well, to be more honest, I lived in London for 9 years, and never
ever "did" any of the attractions there either. You
don't. You think "I could do that tomorrow, or any time,
why do it today ?". Then you move on. And you think "I
never did any of that !". "Let's arrange an incredibly
expensive visit instead, and do all the things we should have
done earlier !". Mad, all mad...
Which brings me on to the major reason why this update
is late. Again. I had a bit of bother on the way home from the
South Coast. I endeavoured to drive about 8' of car and roof-rack
and bicycles under a concrete railway bridge with a shade less
than 8' of clearance. Bang. Less than a mile from home. Words
failed me. But not for long, and then a torrent of what I would
prefer not to repeat, and which I did not feel inclined at the
time to keep from the kids, spewed forth, copiously. So, I'm
sitting behind the wheel of my stationary car, looking back past
the poor kiddies, sitting showered in broken glass, through a
non-existent rear windscreen. And I'm wondering just how bent
and tangled the bikes are, and the rack will be a twisted pile
of bits, and oh my god what have I done to the roof of the car.
And believe me I did not want to get out, and find out. Just
then, it started to rain again. Brilliant. [And, oddly, Harry
Enfield's "you didn't want to do that" persona didn't
spring to mind.] Anyway, it turned out that the bikes were largely
undamaged (a testament to the strength of aluminium alloy), the
roof rack just needs a few spare bits, and the car only suffered
bodywork damage when the whole caboodle fell back down onto the
rear hatch.
Major damage was inflicted to my ego. The car comes
back from the bodyshop tomorrow, hopefully with little trace
of the impact. I will forever feel a prat, however. And the kids
learned some new words. And more importantly, *when* to use them
!
Okay, that's enough, let's move on to Monday's show,
which is the first one I have seen for over 2 weeks...
Act 1
The curtain rises on the Webster household, where Sally is picking
up the latest junk-mail collection from the doormat, and Kevin
is in the back room with the gurls. 3.9 seconds later, and Rursie
and Surphie are despatched upstairs. [What *is* it with these
two poor wee mites - is there some Equity rule that states that
children below a certain age can only appear for less than 5 seconds
at a time ? Maybe the little cherubic one, Surphie, not Rursie
she's the one who I was convinced was a boy for the first 4 years
of her life, no Surphie the dark-haired one, perhaps she suffers
from projectile vomiting and can't be trusted on-stage for extended
periods ? Perhaps they're as fed up with the Sally/Greg/Kevin
bit as we are. I think we should be told.] Sally cheerfully asks
Kevin if he has made up his mind about returning to Natalie. [Eh,
what ? This is some ploy, right ? It's certainly not very believable.
"Morning, kids, morning husband ! So, going back to the old
slapper or not ? Cornflakes ?" Puh-leeze.] Kevin is as mystified
as a I am. "No, not ever", he replies. [That's the Natalie
question, not the cornflakes one. Sorry, I'll concentrate on the
plot for a little while.] Kevin has opened the mail, and it's
not all junk. One of the envelopes contains the papers for his
bank loan. They require Sally's signature. [I presume the house
is up as security for the loan - no need otherwise.] Sally looks
thoughtful.
One frame later and by the wonder of television we
are in the cafe. Ken spies Toyah and reminds her about their "4
o'clock appointment". "Is there any point ?", she
snaps back, teenagedly. Ken is puzzled. [So am I.]
We're teleported right back to Kevin and Sally. [It's
a marriage, Jim, but not as we know it.] She hasn't put pen to
paper yet. Kevin gets irate. "What's up with you ? Are you
changing your mind *again* ?" He reminds her that she has
twice the money they need to buy out Natalie, yet he is having
to get a loan, and now she's not for it after all. He snaps. "I'm
sick to death of you messing me about !", he shouts. "And
I'm sick to death of *you* !!", retorts our Sal. [Ooh, it's
ugly ugly ugly, and I put my hands over the kids' eyes to save
them from this spectacle. Never mind Daddy's language at the weekend,
we're all right really. And that's not real life.]
I blink, and re-awake chez Battersby. Toyah enters,
to find her Mum and Les. They demand to know where she's been
[working the cafe ?], off making more hoax bomb calls perchance
? [Bombs ??] Les tells her it's not good for his health, having
the police banging on the door. I could have written the next
line, and up it comes on cue - "Why ? Got a guilty conscience
?". A huge three-sided row ensues. It's very believable,
and well delivered. Toyah plays the "not my real Dad"
card, and Janice grounds her for a week. "I couldn't give
a stuff !", announces Toyah, and charges off upstairs. [Oh
yes, I can see this happening to us in the not-so-distant future.
No, no, not the step-parent bit, I'm fairly sure I am responsible
for our two, even if maternity is a fact and paternity an opinion
as they say, no the rowing and name-calling and grounding and
stomping off. I wonder if Valium will still be available in the
next century...] Les tells her the computer's going back too,
and gets a sarcastic comment about the lorry it clearly fell off,
in return. Janice breaks down.
Vera is practising for the Weatherfield Carnival gurning
contest in front of a mirror. Jack asks what's going on. Apparently
it's the war-paint being applied. "I can handle Gilroy !",
she tells him. That's fine for Jack, as he wants nothing to do
with it. He thinks it's quite understandable that Alec has taken
some time off to look after Rita. Vera is still convinced that
Alec plans to install Rita behind the bar, having got rid of the
Duckworths. Jack says there's no proof. [Women don't need proof,
Jack, just intuition.] She tells him she loves him. No she doesn't,
just seeing if you were paying attention ! She tells him he is
a spineless dishcloth.
Sally is trying to corner Greg in the factory, and
he feigns concern at the workforce looking on, as if it's not
obvious by now. She tells him about the loan application. He tells
her she "mustn't sign it". It'll tie her to Kevin and
she'll not get everything she deserves when they split up. [Oh
I think she will !!]
Vera and Alec and Jack prepare to commence battle in
the back room of the Rovers. Alec is unaware of what's about to
happen, but he soon realises that he's not been paid anywhere
near his usual amount for the month. He tells Vera she needs some
new batteries for her calculator. Vera pounces, telling him he's
not getting paid for not being there. Alec is incensed. He reminds
them that it was his help that dug them out of their last money
problems. "We caught you out", says Vera, "accept
it like a a man". Pause. "And don't do it again !".
But Alec won't take this. He tells them that the partnership is
over, and they're on their own. He leaves. Jack sighs and says,
"Well done Vera ! Very well handled !".
Back to the Battersby's, where an uneasy peace exists.
Janice has returned for her dinner, to find Les in his armchair
[where else ?] and to hear that Toyah has been in her room all
morning. Les puts on a hang-dog expression and tells Janice that
Toyah really hurt him with "that crack about not being her
real Dad, and the computer being knock-off". It's obvious
that both accusations are quite true. Les complains that he has
tried [to be a proper father]. Janice tells him that Toyah wouldn't
be half as quick with her tongue if she knew what her real father
was like. Les heads off to the Rovers for his [liquid] lunch.
Janice calls Toyah down. In one of those tones of voice that leave
no room for misinterpretation. Toyah appears. Her mother demands
to know what's going on. "You really upset him." Toyah
announces the computer can go back anyway, as she'll not be needing
it any more. Her article was rubbish. The magazine said so. [Ah,
I've just twigged the bomb bit !] The light dawns for Janice.
She hugs Toyah, and they are both tearful as Janice tells her
daughter that she's not thick at all.
Off for another dose of Websters. It looks like Sally
has called Kevin back from the garage, to tell him that she's
made up her mind. She's not signing the loan forms. She doesn't
think it's right. Kevin goes ape again. What's going to happen
to his business ? "You'll be OK", replies Sally. IT
still doesn't add up for Kevin. "Natalie wants her money
back", he reminds her. [Actually, I think this would have
been better delivered word by word, v e r y s l o w l y i n d
e e d.] Sally disengages all normal rational brain functions,
and kicks into hyper femi- drive, logic factor zero. "Oh
no she doesn't, she wants you back, and you can carry on in business
together !" [And the evidence of this, is ... ?] Kevin denies
that this is in any way what he wants, but we have a few minutes
of ranting still to go before the commercial break, at the end
of which Kevin tells Sally that he's going to make it easy for
Sally, he's going to leave. There and then. "If that's what
*you* want", are her last words. [Duh, does any of this scan
for you ? Sally's had a total personality transplant and can now
argue black is white. In the middle of the ranting, she even claimed
that she was being honest, which was more than Kevin was. <eyes
wide in amazement> Sorry, if I'd been Kevin, she'd have been
out of the door to calm down and come back only when she could
make any sense.]
Act 2
[Did that catch you out ? I've removed the Ads bit.
Total waste of time and typing.]
Alec tells Jack and Vera that he's set "the wheels
in motion". He's no intention of working with them any more.
He turns to go, and Vera asks him where he's going. "You
can't just walk out," she argues. "Watch me !".
The door closes, and Jack wonders how they're going to get out
of this one. [That's another fine mess, Stanley...]
Sally's back at the factory. Gleeful, I think, would
be the best word to describe her manner as she tells Greg that
Kevin is leaving ! Greg is immediately concerned that he now knows
about their affair. But no, he doesn't know. "Everything's
working out fine", opines our heartless strumpet. Greg doesn't
look so convinced. [Then again, you can never be quite sure *what*
his facial expressions mean...]
Zoom back to Kevin, who is dejectedly packing a holdall.
He picks up a picture of his two daughters, looks at it for a
few seconds, and places it into his bag.
Over in the canteen at Firmans Freezers, Alma is asking
Curly how things are going with the new area manager. Pause. "Miss
Malone." [WHAT ! Not *the* Miss Malone, not psycho Anne ?!?]
The new boss arrives. [It *is* her ! Nnnnnoooooo.... Oh POOR Curly,
does he really deserve this ?] Alma makes her excuses and leaves.
Curly attempts to chat amiably with his nemesis. He asks about
"this bloke of yours". Anne looks a bit puzzled. "You
know, the one you're engaged to !" [A faint fishy aroma assaults
my nostrils.] "Oh yes, Simon !" [as in, for a moment
there I'd forgotten my cover story. There is no Simon, I'll bet.]
Apparently, this fictitious Simon is a solicitor. No, wait, a
partner, no less. "Well done", says Curly. "Maybe
I'll get to meet him one day", says Curly brightly. "Yeah."
[Read: No.]
A quick shot of some literary books on Ken's table,
as he waits, in vain, for Toyah to appear. [Don't take my word
on that, I wouldn't know classic writing if it slapped me in the
face and called me Shirley. I only read trash.]
Back to Curly's office, where he is enthusiastically
describing the success of the "Alma recommends..." campaign,
assisted by a life-size cardboard of our Alma. Anne grudgingly
admits it helped to raise sales of some hopeless lines. Curly
tells her the strategy is simple, "the shoppers trust Alma".
[Because she emotes, and is not fashioned from pale, icy wax.]
"Well I'm sure they'll get to trust someone else". Curly
demands to know what this means. "We need to discuss staff
restructuring !" "You mean redundancies" answers
Curly, not slow off this mark. "And she's not only one [to
go], is she ?". Anne reels off some percentage of overmanning
that she has computed for the store. "Sorry, I can't do anything",
she says with no feeling. Curly wants to know exactly when she
is going to tell the staff. "Oh, it'll sound better coming
from you, Norman, someone they know !". Curly deflates.
Sally is playing snakes and ladders with the gurls.
[I'll start the on-screen timer....] They're losing interest.
We know why. They rattle off one question after another about
Daddy. Sally tries to bluff it out, he's staying with a friend,
it's something to do with the garage, she's not sure when he'll
be back, no it's not tonight, erm no she doesn't seem to be able
to recall exactly where he is. Sally realises that fooling adults
is easy, but it's not so difficult to deflect young children who
can fire off a string of awkward questions in the pursuit of a
tiny nugget of truth without being distracted by thoughts of exactly
why some of the answers don't add up. She snaps, and tells them
that as they obviously don't want to play, it's [yup] time to
go off to their bedrooms. [And the timer says about 15 seconds.
Is this a new record ?] Shaken by how much more difficult this
was than lying to Kevin, Sally heads for the phone and calls Greg.
Curly is having a quiet drink by himself in the pub.
Alma says hello, and offers him a drink. He buys her a G &
T in reply. [It's a good trick this if you can master it. They
don't let you out of Yorkshire until you're proficient at it.]
She asks what Anne had wanted to talk about, at work. "Is
she planning to make us all redundant ?", she asks jokingly.
Curly tries to tell her not to be worried just yet, it's early
days, but Alma reads the situation perfectly. He tries to cheer
her up by pointing out that she has Mike, she doesn't *need* a
job. A nice moment of humour, then, as Alma explains how Mike
is the reason *why* she needs a job. It's the only thing that
keeps her sane !
Vera tells Jack that Alec has not turned up for work.
"What do you think ?" she asks him. He tells her that
she blew it. She thinks Alec deserved a rebuke. Jack thinks Alec
was simply thinking of Rita, who was very ill. No, Vera thinks
that Alec has "dropped us in it". "No, *you* did
that !" is Jack's response. Vera wonders what they should
do. Jack tells her that *she* should get round to Alec's flat,
with some apologies and a few extra quid for him. "Before
you go", he advises, "get some kneepads !".
Ken asks Les how things are going, by way of trying
to get around to finding out what happened to Toyah. He understands
how difficult it can be getting through the summer holidays. "Is
Toyah keeping busy, for instance ?". Les spills the beans
about the magazine's knockback, and Toyah's hoax bomb threat.
Ken is alarmed. Les tells Ken that he's well off, out of teaching.
Ken doesn't follow. "Well, see what happens when she doesn't
get her own way ? What'll happen when she flunks her exams ?!".
Sally tells Greg that she has told the girls that Kevin
is away, for now. "I'll pick the right time to tell them
the truth", she thinks. [What, that you are a tart ?] Greg
tells her she has done the right thing. A snog ensues. When we
look back to the TV, Sally is cooing about how she only wants
to think about the future. Away from all this. Just her, Greg,
and the gurls. Another unfathomable expression from Greg.
Vera knocks on Alec's door. What does she want ? There's
nowt to say. Vera laughs off the angry words earlier, woman's
trouble apparently, and tells him there's some extra money for
him after all. "We're a team !", she thinks. Alec rebuffs
her. He tells her the extra money is at least twenty thousand
pounds short, by his reckoning. Alec still wants out.
This episode was written by Phil Ford - that information
courtesy of the CSVU page, as Alan had overtaped the very end
of the credits with...
Lady Tara pleads with Biff to tell her his true feelings.
She's going to be married to Andrew, unless Biff can be honest,
and tell her he loves her. She loves *him*. But he can't. Her
face crumbles as he tells her that no, he doesn't love her. They
have no future together.
[There you go, 2% extra soap free with this update
!]
Well, after, ummm [hang on, counts fingers frantically],
no less than 10 episodes missed, nothing seems to have happened
! Greg and Sally and Kevin appear only a bit closer to a showdown.
Toyah has had a knock-back in her journalism career, and presumably
Rita is better and now a major row is brewing amongst the Rovers
management. And Curly has lurched from one disaster to another.
[Poor Kevin Kennedy - all this *and* a drink problem.]
[I'll come clean, I sneaked a look at the CSVU pages,
and I did catch a few minutes of the odd episode. There, that's
off my chest.]
Best bits were the Battersbys rowing and then, in
part, making up. The writing and delivery were simply first class.
All told, this would have been a sound episode. Without
Greg and Sally. That's half a mark off, so
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2
It's straight off home now, I've another update to
do, and then I'll have caught up. Thanks again to Tinky for the
tape, and to Dewey for swapping duties with me.
Over and out.
John Laird
Wednesday 26 August
My experience of life tells me that if you wait to
be invited to do something you wait forever and never get asked,
whereas if you take the initiative and do something without being
asked you invariably upset somebody. Oh well, you can't win.
So I might as well do the positive thing :)
It's Saturday afternnon and I'm feeling crabby and
fed-up, so here's my offering, for what it's worth, to cheer
myself up. This is the one shown on Wednesday 26 August 1998,
an above average episode I thought, with some interesting themes
running through it.
This episode is sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel. I haven't
yet worked out the semiotic significance of this.
We open, not unusually, in the Webster household. Less
usually we start on the stairs, with young Rosie, in night attire,
peering through the banisters and clutching the bars. We're establishing
a theme for the episode, of bars, cages, chains and figurative
imprisonment. Rosie is calling for her mum through the bars and
Sally tries vainly to comfort her from the other side. The problem
with bars is that it's hard to see which side is the cage - is
it Rosie who is imprisoned, or is it Sally, blindly rushing into
an affair that we all see is going to end in disaster for everybody
around her.
We cut to Greg, the Louse Lizard, in the dining room,
swilling down a cup of coffee as if it were a can of lager (in
the style of Louse père who we will see in a moment). Somehow
I'm quite sure that when the catastophe happens the Louse Lizard
will walk from the wreckage unscathed and smiling stupidly as
usual. How I hate him, Grrrrr! Anyway, for all that this has been
their first whole night together, our lovers appear to be in different
worlds. She's all starry-eyed and blind to any blemishes in her
adored. He is cold and distant, can't wait to get away (why do
I get the feeling he didn't perform too well?). She says "Imagine
what it's like when it's like this all the time. Well we, dear
readers, have enough hints to know that it ain't going to be pretty.
Especially when Rosie (he calls her Rose - can't even get her
name right) cries for her Mum and he says "Duty calls"
and escapes. Typical man. And with all the sense of social responsibility
of his father.
Whom we now find chez Battersby sitting in an armchair
with the paper while Janice clears breakfast and a bubbly, gated,
Toyah bustles about looking for something to do. "You can
fix that curtain rail" sez Les from behind his paper. This
is all Janice needs. Her face is a picture as she explodes. "Three
flamin' months I've been waitin'". I like Janice a lot, she's
got spirit. But why does she (and Sally for that matter) live
perpetually in her blue Underworld overall? Because it's another
form of imprisonment, that's why, the chain that binds them in
slavery to Mike Baldwin.
Les tells the grounded Toyah to go and buy fags for
him. Well, grounded or not, it's better than Les making the effort
isn't it. Pert Toyah reaches a hand out for money to be told "You
want to get out. That's the price you pay". To remind us,
as if we needed a reminder, of where Greg gets his charm from.
And back at the Websters, Rosie is refusing her breakfast
and driving an exasperated Sally to distraction, demanding to
know where her dad is. Oh, if looks could kill! The camera zooms
in on a bewildered Sophie and we know instantly that those innoicent
girls are really going to get hurt. Now that Rosie is a bit sulky
but isn't Sophie cute? Tugs at the heartstrings it does.
Toyah is making the most of her escape by skipping
round to Ken's, where she is admonished. "Lucky to get a
grounding" she is, "Could have had a custodial sentence".
Such is the vernacular of Weatherfield I expect. Toyah is starting
to talk her way through her sense of rejection (and how I feel
for her, I've been there often). She really enjoyed "Lord
of the Flies". Well, it takes all sorts.
Obviously we're starting to build up to something big
here, it's a sure sign when the scriptwriters play tricks with
our emotions and expectations. As happened here when we cut to
Curly, with a book called "Assert Yourself At Work"
(remind me to get myself a copy), rehearsing the speech he is
going to make to "Molly" Malone in defence of Alma,
threatened with redundancy.
And as happens again immediately after when we visit
the Kabin, where Rita Fairclough has sold the said Molly her Daily
Mail. Vera comes in looking for something, looking shifty, to
the consternation of Rita who can't understand why Vera won't
say what she wants, keeps changing the subject, elaborately admires
the arrangement of magazines on the rack and buys a copy of "Practical
Camping". This is like one of those baffling scenes in Shakespeare
which aren't funny and don't progress the narrative but nevertheless
play an important narrative part because they are designed to
manipulate the emotions in readiness for the next piece of tension.
Which we now get in a rather touching (really!) scene
between Ken and Toyah, where Toyah tells of her deep-seated feelings
of rejection (oh how I identify with her!), speaks of her father
who "walked out on her as a kid - I couldn't have been anything
special" It's our theme of imprisonment again - Toyah is
trapped in the prison of her nightmare family and yearns to escape.
And now she's going to go for it! That's our girl! back comes
the sparkle, she can even cope with Ken setting her a short story
as an exercise - girl goes for interview for dream job, interview
cancelled because of bomb hoax, she sees police leading another
girl away, their eyes meet, how does she feel...
The tension goes, so we're back to the comic gravediggers.
Or to be precise, Vera and Jack in the Rovers. Come on, lets get
on with it!
Back to Ken's yard, a chirpy and smiling, and somehow
heaps more grown- up, Toyah saying goodbye. Blow me, there's Les
looking on from an upstairs window next door. LOOK OUT TOYAH!
And you Ken!. This all reminds me of "Educating Rita",
I do hope Willy Russell is getting a royalty for this.
We're still not at the climax of this little story
line. We know we can't be far off but we've still got to be let
down again to spin out the tension, and now it's Curly's turn
to frustrate our expectations. We see him in the Firmans/Freshco
storeroom, but strangely through a grille (another cage) and,
a bizarre touch this, with a rather striking cardboard cutout
of Alma clearly visible behind his right shoulder. It says much
for that wonderful old pro Amanda Barrie that she outacts most
of the rest of the cast even when she's being a cardboard cutout
of herself. Curly, anyway, is putting the final touches to his
speech before confronting Molly Malone, which he does. Sorry,
I've forgotten, which one was the cardboard cutout in this scene
- Alma or Molly? It's hard to tell.
Now we're getting to the point. Toyah has returned
home at last with Les's fags to be challenged with "What's
going on?" and "Since when has Ken Barlow been selling
them? [fags]" (actually I thought he did for a while, helping
out in the Kabin during Rita's absence). Les storms out, followed
by an anguished Toyah, to confront Ken aggressively. Toyah defends
Ken:
T: "We're having lessons alright?"
K: "Private tuition"
L: "You evil little pervert!"
Well it must have been all that heavy literary theory.
Anyway, Les's fist slams into Ken's eye, just as the END OF PART
ONE titles come up.
I'll draw a veil over the ads, though a book, outside
the scope of this newsgroup, could be written about them. To summarise,
on HTV at least, they were for:
1) Kelloggs Crunchy Nut cereal
2) Maybelline mascara
3) Nissan Almera cars
4) A gramophone record by a beat combo called "Boyzone"
5) A sale at Curry's
6) A sale at Roseby's
7) Nestlé's 'Pretzel Flipz' [sic]
8) Visits to Bowood House, Wiltshire
We return to Les, Ken and Toyah, and some wooden-looking
rubberneckers, sorting things out. Toyah is paying for her own
lessons with her own money that she's earned. "Just a token"
says Ken. "How does she pay the difference?" sneers
Les, and gets Toyah's stamp on his foot for his trouble. Enter
Alec - "Are you all right Ken?" - earning himself a
withering look before the camera pans to Kevin and Natalie out
on the street. "Never a dull moment" says Kevin rather
dully. He's anxious and needs to talk to Natalie, they will assignate
in the Rovers at six.
Meanwhile, Alec has entered the Kabin. Rita mentions
that Vera has been in. "it will all blow over" she opines.
Alec returns a wonderful line "Blowing over Vera Duckworth
is not an image I care to dwell on. Blowing up Vera Duckworth
I might entertain - if I could summon up enough interest".
Well, it's the way he says it I suppose. He's had enough, he's
leaving Weatherfield and going back to Southampton.
Exit Alec stage left, as Sally enters to a crestfallen
Rita, and we are now in sombre mood. Rita has regretted turning
down Alec's proposal of marriage, everything is her fault.
Back at Ken's, Toyah begs to differ - everything is
in fact Toyah's fault as she keeps telling Ken, much to his irritation.
Toyah is bubbling about, which is the last thing Ken needs I guess,
after being socked in the eye by Les. What I like about the way
this has been handled is the way the light and serious threads
have been neatly switched, Toyah and Ken are now playing the comic
gravediggers. "What are your favourite chocs?" asks
Toyah. "Milk or Plain?". I never saw Ken as a chocs
type, myself. I wonder what he does live on? Cold tinned beans
I shouldn't wonder. "Or should I bring you some cans round
'cos that's what Les has when he's ill, lager and crisps, his
cure for everything".
Over in Firman's, which I have to remember to call
Freshco, the real live Alma is pursuing the cardboard cutout Molly
round the aisles. Being rather out of character I thought, though.
But her anxiety is unfounded. Curly has melted Molly's heart and
Alma's job is now safe. What has got into the level-headed Alma?
She's gone all pathetically grateful.
At Underworld, Sally seizes a chance to be dewy-eyed
over the Louse Lizard, but he isn't playing. She's worried about
Rosie, who is very sensitive, but "You're so good with sensitive
people aren't you!" For god's sake open your eyes woman before
everybody gets hurt! Louse goes his way and look, here comes Mr
Sensitive himself, Mike Baldwin on his way to lunch with an anxious,
furrowed look, though we never find out why.
Les is once again ensconced in his armchair at home
when Janice comes home. He's exhausted. Why, Janica demands, all
you had to do was put up a curtain rod. The story, after a fashion,
comes out. "He was molesting our Toyah". Well, that's
enough for Janice. She gets better and better, and now she bellows
up the stairs "TOYAH! TOYAH! GET DOWN 'ERE LADY!"
In the Rovers, Rita is feeling mournful, knocking back
the vodka. And there's Kev and Nat (I thought he'd left home,
can't he get away from the Street?) - She can't believe that Sally
would let him go so easily, and he has to bring her back to earth
by telling her Sally won't let him use the house as security on
the loan and therefore no loan, no garage sale. "Are we still
partners then?" asks a horrified Natalie.
Back at the Battersby's, Janice is disappointed that
Toyah couldn't tell them about her lessons. Well Les would only
laugh wouldn't he. Anyway, with rising, but perfectly measured,
hysteria, she pours out "he isn't my dad. You dragged him
home from somewhere. I wish you'd tell him to crawl back to where
you got him." SLAP. Poor Toyah. And poor Janice, now in tears,
you have to feel for her, she's as trapped as Toyah is, as Curly
is, as Rita is, and though she's too starry eyed to see it yet,
as Sally is.
And Sally is saying goodnight to the girls. We see
Sophie sleeping cutely on the top bunk, and we just know that
something very nasty is going to happen to that poor, sweet, innocent
child. Rosie is fretful. Mummy tries to explain, not making a
very good job of it, that some mummies and daddies live apart.
Rosie's friend Rachel is like that, Rachel has got a new dad.
She hates him. Is she, Rosie, going to get a new dad too?
And with a final tug at the heart, the closing credits
roll.
Rather a good one this, and well put together.
Toodle-pip!
Rosalind
Friday 28 August
Hiya folks!!!! Here we are again. I started this on
Sunday, but having had quite a busy day yesterday, have left it
until today - Bank Holiday Monday - to complete the update.
Bank Holiday Monday.. again.. here we are, two-thirds
of the way through the year.. where has the time gone?? This
time of year always produces some great scenery around this neck
of the woods. We are on the edge of the Peak National Park and
the moorland is usually pretty picturesque at this time, with
the heather on the hills looking like a rich purple carpet...
and boy, does it look good right now... We've had a very poor
summer, it's been uncommonly wet and overcast. Things have improved
somewhat since then. In fact, we had our first barbecue last
night since May... and not before time. So having had a dearth
of sun, we are about to go into another autumn. Trude goes back
to work tomorrow and Simon starts back at Sixth Form college
next week for the second year of his A level course. The next
few weeks are going to be filled with him looking through University/College
prospectuses and filling in the University Entrance forms. Teaching
seems to be his preferred career route - he knows that it isn't
an easy option. He's seen my wife struggle with the pressure
of work, under-resourcing, etc. etc. Yet despite that, he loves
kids, is a caring individual and seems committed to getting the
best out of people.... It's a joy to see such enthusiasm....
I've been having fun as well.... Yesterday, I spent
the majority of the day doing some home brewing. We have the
Blackpool Contress in early October, so I thought it would be
nice to mark the occasion with a special lager for those overseas
visitors who are going to be my guests after the do. So I dug
out my favourite Lager recipe, based on a Polish Pilsener, which
I have brewed on a number of occasions now. As we speak, the
yeast is activated and the fermentation has commenced. By the
time early October comes round, this will be ready to drink.....
As a result of illness, I haven't done any home brewing for nearly
a year, so it was a very therapeutic process yesterday to return
to one of my favourite pastimes, even if it was physically tiring.
Apart from playing around with my new colour scanner,
not an awful lot else has happened. I'm going to be doing some
work on my web-site over the next few days, so there will be
an opportunity to learn new things, which I always enjoy doing.
So, without further ado, it's time for the update....
sponsored by Cadbury's Snack
The episode commences with Janice coming out into the
street to bring in the milk. She tells Ken that he wouldn't dare
go to the police to press charges against Les, because they would
want to know, what it was all about. Ken asks whether she thinks
he would get involved with a 16 year old girl, a neighbour, that
he'd risk his reputation. He tells her that he has lived in the
Street a long time and if she asked Mrs Bishop, Rita - they'd
say she was mad to even suggest it. Janice reluctantly accepts
that maybe nothing untoward took place. Ken asks her "So
what is your problem?" Janice points out that Ken knows how
Les jumps to conclusions. When Ken asks whether Toyah should bear
some of the responsibility for not telling anybody what was going
on, Janice's response is that, as a grown man, Ken should not
be blaming Toyah, he should know in his own mind what is right
or wrong. ...
When she gets back inside the house, Les asks her to
whom she was talking. "What did he want?" asks Les angling
after another punch-up. "Nothing," replies the world
weary Janice. When Les presses her further, Janice tells him that
she wants him to drop the subject, after all, they do not know
that Ken did anything wrong. Les insists that he does, but Janice
tries to get him to see that if Ken didn't do anything, he could
sue Les for assault. Les' response is that, at least, they would
then be able to get to the bottom of the matter, but Janice just
wants the whole thing to blow over. She is fed up of having to
move home, she has decided "I'm stopping here. I've got a
job, I've got me friends, our Leanne's over t'road and our Toyah
is taking her GCSEs and I want a settled life!" She adds
that all Les seems to want is an excuse for shouting his mouth
off and thumping folk. Tell 'im Jan! Les' answer to all of this
is that Ken "got what he deserved and if he shows his face
at that door again, he'll get another dose!" Janice asks
whether Les has ever considered the effect all of this is having
on Toyah, "have you 'eck?"
Deirdre is asking Ken whether he is sure that his nose
is not broken. Ken's reply is that it looks far worse than it
actually is. Deirdre reminds Ken that less "did the same
thing to Curly, that man". "He's an animal," opines
Ken, "there's no other word for it, anyway, I don't want
to talk about it." When Deirdre asks why Ken didn't tell
them about the classes, Ken tells her that it was because Toyah
had asked him not to do so. "Yes, I know, I know! All these
years as a teacher and I've gone and made the most basic mistake.
I've been guarding against this ever since my first teaching practice."
Leanne and Toyah are discussing the same subject in
the Kabin. "I know me dad's a lunatic but what else did you
expect him to think?" asks Leanne. "Me mam's as bad,
she just goes along with him. She never stands up for me,"
complains Toyah. Leanne disagrees with this, but Toyah is insistent,
they never listen to her, in any case, they have told her that
she cannot go round anymore. Leanne cannot understand her getting
involved in the first place and just treats the whole thing as
if it were a craze. Toyah points out that she likes writing, in
any case, neither she nor Ken have done anything wrong, in fact,
she is determined to go round. Anyway, Barlow treats her like
an adult, "like I've got a brain, I can talk to him, he understands
me wanting to make something of myself, and he doesn't laugh at
me, even if I say something stupid." Leanne replies that
the parents mean well, but Janice asks, why, in that case do they
treat her like a ten-year old.
Back at Chez Webster, Kevin is with the gurls at tea
time. He tells them that he is not staying away for long, "Mummy
and Daddy will soon be friends again" says our naïve
young man. He tries to console their feelings by pointing out
that they fall out with their friends at school but make up with
them, everyone does, there is nothing to be worried about. When
Sally pops her head around to door to ask whether the gurls have
eaten their food, Kevin confirms this is the case. The doorbell
rings and Sally goes to answer it, as it will probably be the
childminder. Kevin asks the girls to be good today and they zoom
off. When the girls have gone, Sally asks him what he did tell
them.... Kevin jokingly says "that you are playing silly
beggars. You are though, aren't you? I told them what they wanted
to hear, that we'll soon make it back up and I'll soon move back
in. Look, it's up to you Sal, all you've got to do is ask."
When Sally comments that everything seems so simple to Kevin.
He replies that he doesn't know what's going on in her head, but
she needs to face up to the fact that she is the mother of two
young kids and that she has a responsibility to them whether she
likes it or not. "You know where I work" is his parting
shot.
Rita is the Café - she asks Toyah whether Leanne
likes Eccles cakes. Toyah doesn't have a clue. Gail asks Rita
whether Ken is working at the Kabin. "No. Not today"
is Rita's tactful reply, "he's nursing his war wounds."
"He didn't do owt, Mr Barlow. I hope you're not going to
start listening to Les" Toyah tells her. "Of course
not," replies Rita, while Toyah continues, "Because
he wouldn't like that. He was just helping me with me English."
Toyah asks Gail whether it would be alright for her to take her
dinner early. Gail agrees and after Toyah has left the shop, Rita
comments "what chance has she got with a father like that?"
Gail asks Rita whether she has heard about Alec - apparently,
in the Rovers last night, Martin had heard from Vera that Alec
was leaving. Rita tries to make a non-committal reply but Gail
is puzzled at the suddenness of it all, she thought he was settled
around here and wonders what has brought it on. "Eee, I don't
know. It'll be something to do with the Duckworths, that'll be
it" replies Rita. "Well, the place won't be the same
without Alec Gilroy" concludes Gail. The look on Rita's face
tells us that she is thinking the same thing.
At Ken's, Toyah is knocking at the door. She wants
to come in and talk to Ken. He, however, having been thumped,
wants no part of it. He is not prepared to risk anything further
and is astonished when Toyah tells him that she is due a lesson.
After all the trouble he has been landed in by her. She maintains
that she cannot be blamed for her mum and Les. Ken tells her that
they should have told her parents about the lessons from the start.
When Toyah points out that she would have been stopped from coming,
Ken expresses the view that they would all have been saved a load
of trouble. Toyah is disappointed - she reminds Ken that he told
her she could make something of herself, he treated her differently
to the way the others have, like she is not useless. Ken refuses
to budge and tells her that a resumption of their arrangement
is out of the question. He shuts the door in her face, as we see
total despondency come over her.
At the Rovers, Vera is reflecting on their situation,
"You know what this means? We're working class again,"
she tells Jack. "What are you talking about? We've always
been working class," Jack replies. "Yeah but we've changed,
we use a milk jug. Look we're middle class now!" continues
Vera (Mind you, I'll believe that the day I get the assurance
that Jack will never again be seen having his breakfast in his
string vest!!) She maintains that she certainly is, she has a
licence. Jack doesn't quite see it in these simplistic terms.
She maintains that she is a businesswoman, a respected member
of the community (right on the first RVee, but on the second??).
She realises that there will be a number of local folk who will
be glad to see them brought down a peg or two. Jack doesn't think
they have to go along with any of Alec's schemes and Vera feels
that they should contact a solicitor to tell us "us rights."
Jack is concerned that legal costs would mean they would be in
debt for the rest of their lives.
At that stage Alec comes in and joins them for a cup
of tea. He tells them he doesn't want to fall out with them. When
challenged by Jack as to whether he has changed his mind, Alec
vehemently denies this is the case. He thinks it would be less
painful for all concerned if they agreed to act amicably, a bit
of give and take. Jack tells him that they have decided, amicably,
to keep things as they are. Alec points out to them that they
cannot... he is dissolving the partnership. When Vera says they
are not going to let him do so, Alec replies that he has been
talking to his solicitor and there is no way they can stop him.
Jack tries to bluff his way of this by saying "well I've
been talking to my solicitor and he says it's a load of cobblers."
Alec realises this is a bluff and calls it by saying that he was
unaware they had a solicitor... what's his name, Jack?" Jack
maintains that there is nothing Alec can do to shift them but
Alec doesn't quite see it the same way.. either they agree a price
and make a dignified exit, unless they can raise the money to
buy him out. When Vera tells him that he knows they are unable
to buy him out, Alec replies "Well then! Let's get on with
it, shall we?"
Sally joins Rita who is sitting on her own in the pub.
Rita welcomes Sally's arrival as she needs someone to cheer her
up. When Sally jokingly tells her that she might do better with
Les Battersby, Rita replies that she cannot stand to be in the
same room as him. Sally asks Rita whether she is still fed up
concerning Alec. Rita replies that her problem is that she is
too sensible, everytime an opportunity comes up, she plays safe,
clings to what she knows. This was one of the reasons why she
couldn't go to Cartmel with Mavis, she couldn't let go of the
shop. She could have made a career out of her singing, if she
had been prepared to move to London. Sally asks, if she had her
time over again, whether she'd do things differently, but Rita
is not sure, it's all different now. Anyway, she says it's best
not to look back, but the trouble is that at her age, it's best
not to look forward. She concludes by saying that it is a mistake
to let your head rule your heart, she knows that now. Sometimes
you should just forget what other people think and go for what
you want. Anyway, it's too late now for her, but, she tells Sally,
if she were her age, she would do things very differently. Time
for Sally to think, this time.
Coming out of the Battersby's, we see Toyah leaving
with a hefty rucksack. She shuts the door behind her and puts
the rucksack on her back. She looks miserable. She sighs, looks
back at the home she is leaving behind and goes her way.....
... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End
of part 1
After the ads, it's Part 2
We commence the second part of the episode in Underworld. Mike
Baldwin is curious about what Ken Barlow has been up to - Janice
tells him he was giving Toyah private lessons and Les has given
Ken a black eye for his trouble. "Well done that man"
crows Mike. When Janice says that Ken didn't do anything, Mike
replies he wouldn't leave Ken alone "in a double-breasted
jacket."
Greg is asking Sally whether they are OK for tonight,
but Sally says they are going to have difficulties getting a baby
sitter. She suggests cooking a meal, once she's put the girls
to bed.
Vera is asking Jack how much they are likely to get
for their share of the pub. Jack tells her that he doesn't know,
but Alec originally paid them £25,000. Vera is not impressed,
they cannot retire on that amount, you cannot even get a house
round here for that. Jack points out that they cannot afford to
retire anyway, so she might as well get the idea out of her head.
Vera is unhappy, they are coming to the end of their working life
and what have they to look forward to? Jack has an idea, "trust
me!" he tells Vera.
Just then Alec pops his head around the door. He asks
whether they have decided what to do. Jack tells him that he (Alec)
has won, they have agreed to sell. Alec is delighted, Vera is
horrified, as she knows nothing of this plan. When Vera tries
to interrupt, Jack tells her to be quiet. They agree to sell Alec
their share of the business for £100,000. Alec laughs this
proposal out of court, but Jack tells him "well there you
go, Alec, no brass, no sale." Alec accuses them of being
mad and storms out, leaving the two Duckworths chuckling away
at how they have put one over on Alec.
Back at the Webster's, it's meal time and Rosie is
asking Sally when dad is due to come home. Sally tells her that
she doesn't know, but Rosie is adamant, "you said, you promised!"
There is a knock on the door and Rosie wonders whether it is daddy.
"That's probably Greg come to do some boring old work."
She answers the door and lets Greg in. "Hello Rosie! Isn't
it your bedtime?" says the charmer. Sally tells him that
she can stay up for a few more minutes, but Greg continues "when
I was your age, it was lights out by now!" Sally suggests
that he reads Rosie a story - you can tell by the look of sheer
excitement on his face that he's about to rip her arm off in anticipation.
Really? No! No way! All we get is an unenthusiastic "oh,
alright." He picks up a book and asks whether this is a favourite...
erm, nope!! "That's Sophie's book!" replies Sally and
hands him Rosie's. When she asks Rosie whether she would like
Greg to read to her, the youngster says "No! I don't want
him to!" Sensible kid! The kid is sent packing upstairs (again)
with the promise of mummy coming up in a minute. Greg sighs ""well
I did offer!"
We are at the Rovers. Alma is having a drink with Curly.
She is telling him that she has spoken to Anne Malone and been
assured that her job is safe. She also tells him that Anne was
full of praise for Curly. He tells her that he would like to believe
her, but... Alma continues with Anne's praise, that Curly had
trained her and she owed everything to him.
Rita comes into the pub and asks Alec whether he has
a minute. Alec is busy and tells her that he needs to go out.
He calls for Jack and Vera for help and expresses his frustration
with them. Rita tells him that she need to talk to him, but Alec
replies that he has said everything that had to be said. "Maybe"
is Rita's reply. Alex tells her that he needs to have a quick
drink with the solicitor, but he should be back in an hour. No
help seems to be forthcoming, so Alec goes off, saying that if
anybody wants a drink they can help themselves.
While Curly is propping up the bar, who should come
along but Anne Malone. Yikes!!!! Curly nearly chokes on his beer
with surprise. Although this is not her local, a fax came through
for him, she tells him, she thought it might be important, it
was marked private, so she hasn't read it, it's from Kuala Lumpur.
She tells Curly she was trying to do him a favour by not leaving
it in the machine, anyone could have seen it. He thanks her for
her effort and offers to buy her a drink. She turns nasty on him,
saying that she has a partner. Curly is somewhat surprised and
tries to explain, but she won't let him - "I think I know
what you meant," she tells him and storms out, leaving a
puzzled and bewildered Curly.
Back at the Webster's, Greg asks whether Rosie is alright,
he apologies, he's not much good with kids, no experience, he
tells her. Sally recognises that it will take time, until she
gets to know him. Greg compliments Sally on her appearance, but
she cannot see it - she feels a mess, she hasn't had time to get
changed. Greg thinks she looks great the way she is! (We look
for the sick bucket again...) Sally gets all wistful how she could
be happy with Greg if this was all they had to worry about. Greg
tries to reassure her that all will work out, although she cannot
see that far ahead, she wishes she could. She tells Greg about
her concerns regarding the evening job, the gurls and baby-sitting
is the problem. The only thing would be for Greg to do it, she
continues, it would only be a couple of nights a week. Greg thinks
quickly for an excuse and come up with one - they need to get
to know him first, he's only thinking of them, isn't there anyone
else who can do it? Sally replies that it is a lot to ask and
she couldn't just trust anybody to do it. "What about Kevin?"
is Greg's brain-wave!! "Get him to move back in."
At Rita's, Alec is having a drink. He tells her that
she won't get him to change his mind (about leaving Weatherfield),
he was daft to buy into the Rovers in the first place, "especially
in partnership with a couple of wassocks like them, I must have
been off me trolley." Rita tries to get him to own up that
this is not the only reason he's moving on, she knows what the
reason is, it is nothing to do with the Duckworths...
Alec tries to retain his pride:
"What you think I took umbrage because you turned
me down. You're way off beam, way off !"
"Am I?" asks Rita.
"Well I took it badly at the time, yeah, but
I've had time to reflect. You were right. It would never have
worked out. We've known each other too long. If it were meant
to be, it would have happened long since, after Len died. We're
both of us too old to change our ways. We'd be rowing after a
fortnight. My meanness, your sweater bills."
"What are you trying to say, Alec?"
"That I bear you no grudges and that you were
right to turn me down. But that isn't the reason, I should never
have come back to Weatherfield. It was the biggest mistake I
ever made."
"Well, I am sorry to hear you say that Alec,
cos I've had second thoughts too."
"About what?"
"About rejecting your offer."
"You don't mean.... you're not trying to say
that you want to marry me after all."
"Yes Alec, I do. That's exactly what I want."
Alec looks absolutely stunned by this bombshell.
Greg is continuing the psychology lesson. "What's
screwing everything up is the guilt, right? You said yourself,
the girls blame you as much as Kevin." She confirms this,
adding that, although she doesn't know what Kevin has said to
them, they know he wants to move back in. "So, continues
Greg, "if he does come back, they'll be happier and you'll
be less guilty. Apart from which, you won't need a baby-sitter,
will you?" (Easy, isn't it!!!) "There's just one snag"
counters Sally, "Us! I thought the whole idea was that we
would get a place together with the girls." Greg maintains
they will. But where they have been going wrong is they have been
trying to move too fast. Sooner or later, Kevin is going to get
fed up and go off with Natalie. Sally is not so sure, we don't
know that, she tells him, in any case, it could be months, years.
Greg is playing it cool by expressing the desire to get to know
the kids first. If people find out that they have been carrying
on behind Kev's back, that makes them the guilty party. All they
have to do is to wait for him to put a foot wrong. Then they get
the rest of their lives to be together. Sally replies that she
cannot wait that long, she wants him now. He has found the answer...
they have to spend more time together. He cannot tag along to
the parties, people will soon start talking. So that's the evenings
out. "How about, we set up in business, me and you? That
way, we get to spend all our days together." He elaborates
that this would be in the same business he is in now, but not
tied to Mike. He knows the business inside out. He's seen some
great properties, down by the Quays, overlooking the canal. He
tells her that she practically ran the office in Mike's old factory.
They would have their own business, split the profits, spend every
day together, except when he was out on the road.
"So I'd be a co-director?" asks Sally, "but
I don't really have any experience."
"But you could contribute in other ways"
says Greg, "if you wanted."
"Well, how?" asks Sally.
"Well...." (Wait for it.... wait for it....
pounce!!), "we need a bit of money to set up, deposit on
the property, office equipment, fax, that kind of thing."
How much would you need?" asks Sally (Green light).
"Say, two and a half grand?" (Jackpot)
At the Battersby's, Les is opining that Toyah will
be off sulking somewhere. Janice is worried about her, so is Les,
but he's not going to let his supper go cold. Janice cannot eat
anything, not until she knows where he is. "That'll be her
game, putting us through this agony and that. The worry of it
all, while she's off swanning round the shops. Don't you want
them sausages?" asks Les. The door opens, but it's Leanne
- she informs her parents that Toyah was fed up this morning,
that they had stopped her going round to Ken Barlow's. "Barlow's!!
That's where she'll be," exclaims Les as he storms out. He
is followed by Janice, pleading with him not to do anything daft.
He bangs on Ken's door, demanding to know where Toyah
is. Ken tells him that if Les lays a finger on him, he is going
to call the police. When Ken tells him he doesn't know where Toyah
is, Les does not believe him. Ken confirms that the lessons are
finished for good and that he has told Toyah this. Les makes to
go in, but Janice stops him, "Les, leave it! she's not in
there!" "At last! The Voice of Reason," (Hiya Diane!!!!!)
exclaims Ken. Ken slams the door to.
"Where is she, then?" asks Les. "I don't
know" replies Janice.
We cut to a scene of Toyah hitching a lift. A lorry
stops. She throws her rucksack in and climbs aboard. The lorry
drives off.......
And with that....
.....it is the cue for music and credits
Episode written by Phil Woods
All material is, and remains, copyright property of
ITV Television.
Well, how was it for me?
The Sally/Kevin/Greg saga continues to rumble on,
in its own unconvincing way. Both the storyline and acting leave
something to be desired. I won't say any more...
Toyah continues to impress, as the lost teenager desperately
trying to find herself and getting frustrated by the obstacles
in her path and the lack of support.
Jack and Vera provided the comedy element, especially
Vera's observations on class and milk jugs.
For me, Alec provided the quality acting. This was
in his exchanges with Jack and Vera, but more especially in the
scenes with Rita, which were sensitively carried out.
All in all, a fair amount of action in this episode,
in an understated way.....
Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take
care...
Hugs and kisses
Regards, Alan (ICQ UIN 10440270)
Sunday 30 August
This should (hopefully) be the last of the late updates,
from me. The gang have decided that we need to get back to a
more orderly timetable, and do our level best to get each update
out within 48 hours of airing (they smell so much fresher off
the line, rather than stuck in the washer for a week, I think).
I'm going to try to better this, and go for a 24-hr publishing
deadline, thus trying to hit the streets before the Monday episode
is shown.
Time will tell whether this is overly optimistic or
night. It has to be said that Sunday is a bit of a dead night
on the box, so I am hopeful that an hour or so can be found to
re-view the episode and make notes.
This particular update is a week late, and last night's
episode awaits me at home, so today will be an Update Lite.
By way of prologue, I was thinking back to what was
going on my life a year ago (at the end of August). It occurred
to me that our kitchen is one today! Not that we usually celebrate
things like this, but the great DIY project of 1997 is dragging
on, and is as yet uncompleted. The good Mrs L has been remarkably
tolerant of this, but her patience is limited, and I suspect
that soon she will be in the same frame of mind as a new mother
who finds themselves with a 1-year old still dangling from the
umbilical cord...
And I bet you thought I was going to mention the D
word, huh ? Well, it's not really a subject I have especially
strong views on, one way or the other, and if half the country
chose to identify with some "icon's" death in a way
that related to their own grieving for someone of their own,
that's their business. It struck me as sad only in as much as
two boys lost their mother having already said sayonara to the
father. And now they find him back on the scene, with all his
worldly wise attitudes firmly stuck somewhere in the immediate
postwar years. I see the younger one has just been packed off
to Eton, resplendent in his tweed sports jacket. Poor sod. No,
the biggest problem with Di's demise, to me, was how utterly
pointless and avoidable it was. Was there really any need to
be chauffeured from one swanky hotel to another, in a powerful
car, at ridiculous speed, by a driver who was at least one sheet
to the wind and on several medicants, and then compound it all
by not bothering to wear a seat-belt ? This from a devoted mother
of two, who was often to be seen comforting the poor and desperately
ill ? I wonder what the reaction would have been if they'd taken
out some innocent parties...
Right, that's yer lot above the line. Time to get down
to the nitty gritty and see what's been going on in Coronation
Street.
Act 1
We kick off, on location, with Toyah examining some sandwiches
in the shop at a motorway service station. Either they're too
expensive, or they look inedible [or both] but she puts them down
and leaves. It is dark outside.
Janice and Les are not coping well with her disappearance.
Or should I say, Janice isn't - she can't sleep. Les, no doubt
missing his human hot water bottle, has come downstairs to find
his wife worried sick. He attempts to reassure her, saying Toyah
is a sensible kid and will be fine, but Janice can only think
of bodies lying in ditches, or worse. He wants to go back to bed,
as there is little they can do without the slightest idea of where
Toyah might have gone. [Incidentally, Bruce Jones is supposed
to have been a part-time fireman before he took up acting. Well,
he must have been a puny specimen as there's not much of him worth
writing home about. I bring you this gem from Mrs L who has a
bit of a thing about firemen...]
Over to the Street lovenest, where the Street loverat
receives a call from the Street strumpet. Sally is having second
thoughts about asking Kevin to move back in, but Greg feels this
is the best strategy. Apparently it is better if she doesn't look
like the guilty party. [Search me, I've completely lost the plot
on this one, Kevin's in, now he's out, we want him to go, now
we don't...]
Janice has been looking in Toyah's room, and is distraught
to discover that half her clothes are missing, along with the
laptop computer and a rucksack. She realises that Toyah has run
away. She blames Les and his knockout bout with Ken Barlow. She
asks him if he knows how many runaways end up sleeping rough and
turning to drugs and prostitution. Yikes. Les tries to quickly
think of something positive they can do, and suggests they ask
Spider if he might know where Toyah is. Or even if she's staying
there. Spider doesn't know. When he hears how long she has been
missing, he points out, in truth, that Toyah could be anywhere.
Over at Kev's garage, Sally arrives to ask Kevin to
move back in. She tells him that maybe it's time she grew up and
faced her responsibilities. She wants to make a go of it. Kevin
is not easily convinced that this isn't just yet another easy
change of heart, but she tells him he means it. He says he will
be back with his bags at lunchtime.
Down at Bettabuys, oops sorry Firmans, dang nabbit,
Freshco, Alma and Curly are discussing the previous evening's
events in the Rovers, where the mad psychotic Anne had turned
nasty when Curly offered her a drink. Alma doesn't think Curly
should read too much into it, but he says there "was a look
in her eyes". [And not limpid pools, I expect !] Alma suggests
that Anne might have put the past behind her, and moved on. "You
should try it ?", she adds helpfully.
Greg corners Sally in the factory, and she tells him
Kevin will be moving back in. He assures her it won't be for long,
and asks if she'd like to come out with him that lunchtime to
look at some new business premises.
Les returns from somewhere [he has some handy job somewhere,
he's either not working that day, or he can rush back at any time]
to find Janice still at home, being comforted by Leanne. Janice
isn't at work because she's phoned the police, and has to wait
in for them to call. Les panics and starts collecting together
all the knock-off stuff in the house, in order to hide it. [He
gives up when he realises that a room, empty apart from two armchairs
and an old table, might look overly suspicious...]
Alec enters the Kabin, to find Rita working on her
own. He is not sympathetic to the plight of the Battersby's, but
that's not what's on his mind. He wants to be sure that Rita hasn't
forgotten what they discussed the night before [about getting
married]. She winds him up a little by pretending that she *has*
forgotten everything, but then tells him to relax. Yes, she has
every intention of marrying him.
A WPC [woman police constable] has arrived at the Battersby's,
and is taking notes. She has already spoken to Roy, who said that
Toyah had left work the previous day, at lunchtime, and hadn't
been seen since. Janice gives the WPC a recent photograph of Toyah,
and the policewoman tells her they will circulate information.
But... Toyah is 16 and thus legally responsible for herself. Not
only can she go wherever she likes, she doesn't have to come home
even if she is found. Les animatedly demands helicopters and sniffer
dogs, and Janice gets up to go, determined that she will do something
useful even if the police can't.
Act 2
Anne arrives at Freshco, and apologises to Curly for being so
rude to him the night before. Apparently Simon [the non-existent
fiance] doesn't like her staying out late at the pub, and anyway
she had been handing out redundancy notices earlier in the day
and hadn't felt very sociable. Another time, perhaps ?
Sally and Greg are in some empty office accommodation,
dreaming of their grand future in business together. She asks
if Mike knows of his plans. "Are you kidding, he'd run me
out of town !", says Greg. No, he'll leave when the time
is right. Greg decides the premises will be fine. Slight problem
- they need to put money down to cover rent, and furniture, and
phones and stuff. He asks if Sally can provide £800. She
tells him she will need to get the money from the building society.
Great, says Greg, they can go and do that straightaway, and then
have a drink to celebrate.
Vera and Jack are looking forward to either Alec meeting
their price for their share of the Rovers, or them staying on.
Just then, Alec sticks his head round the door and tells them
they *do* need to discuss some business, and he'll be back in
a minute.
Greg and Sally arrive back in the factory. [For someone
who is starting to inject all the business capital, Sally appears
to have failed to notice that the cash-strapped Greg is running
about in a swanky nearly-new car that must have set him back at
least fifteen thousand...] They rush into Underworld, obviously
rather late, and a bit boozed up. Kevin looks on ! [And still
we strain to hear the telltale sounds of his brain grinding round,
but silence prevails.]
Alec sits down with Vera and Jack. They tell him he
pays up £100, 000 or they're not budging. In reply, Alec
tells them he has news of his own, he and Rita are getting wed.
Vera suggest that the pair of them will be dying to get their
hands on the Rovers. Oh no, says Alec, I won't be leaving Weatherfield
after all. [Oh damn, I'm lost again, surely if Alec was intending
to go then the Duckeggs should have been buying *him* out.] No,
he's staying, but he still wants to dissolve the partnership.
So, they can buy him out. At a very reasonable price. Yes, the
same £100, 000 that they quoted him. Alec looks like a Cheshire
cat. Vera looks like one of those cartoon figures with the upside-down
smiley mouth.
Curly looks none too pleased either, as his car won't
start. He has the bonnet [hood] up, and is fiddling about, when
up purrs Anne in her much smarter motor. [A little difficult to
believe this, as she's only one step up the ladder, and Curly
doesn't even get a car with his job.] He points out these facts
to her when she suggests that a car like hers would be more reliable.
Anne offers him a lift home. He takes a little persuading, but
eventually agrees.
Kevin is at home playing happy families with the girls,
when Sally arrives home. Will we be disappointed ? Nope, within
nanoseconds he has told them to get upstairs to wash their hands
! He tells Sally he is pleased to be back with all of his family.
He still loves her. Not wanting to hear any more of this, Sally
tells him she has to get the washing hung out. He goes to hug
her, but she shrugs him off curtly. [Nasty girl !]
Curly thanks Anne for the lift, keen to get out of
her car and into the safety of his own home. She tells him they
need to talk [about something]. She has noticed he always looks
uncomfortable in her presence, and that they ought to try and
get along. After all, in 3 months... "What, what ?",
asks Curly. Anne suggests they go inside to discuss whatever it
is, further.
Kevin wants to know what Sally and Greg were doing,
out together at lunchtime. They looked "all matey" to
him. Sally goes on the defensive, by going on the offensive. "Don't
start !", she retorts, "He was taking me out for a bar
meal to thank me for the work I put into the underwear parties."
Kevin *has* been thinking, though. He knows that they're up to
"something". "Yes, we are,", says Sally, "but
it's not what you think !". She tells him about going into
business with Greg. Furthermore, she knows exactly what she's
doing, and who knows, if she hadn't married Kevin, she might have
done something like this years ago ! [Ungrateful tart - it's been
a long time, but it was Kevin who took Sally away from a very
shaky family where her father used to beat up her mother.]
A rare visit to Nicky and Leanne [almost as rare as
an appearance by Ashleh, and *where* is Zoe ?] where Leanne can't
understand how Toyah can be putting everyone through this agony.
But Nick understands, and he tells her how he ran away for several
weeks himself, and how the last thing on his mind was getting
in touch with his mother to tell her he was OK. Of course, we
just *know* the phone is going to ring at that moment, and it
does. And we know it'll be Toyah, and it is. She's in a phone
box, somewhere on the M1 on the way to London. "You're going
to do what ?", exclaims Leanne, leaving us all wondering
what that is.
Over t'road at Curly's, Anne tells him the company
will be restructuring, and she is hopeful of being promoted. This
will leave her job vacant, and if she puts in a good word for
Curly... It takes him a little while to catch on to her meaning,
but he gets excited at the thought of getting a company car like
Anne's ! [Sorry, it's a man thing.] The phone rings, and Curly
goes out into the hall to answer it, giving Anne an opportunity
to take a book from his bookshelf, one that contains some of Curly's
handwriting on the fly sheet. When he returns, she makes her excuses
and leaves, the book hidden in her briefcase. [We should have
some dramatic music at this point. Dan dan dannnnn.]
Our last visit to the Battersby's house, as Leanne
rushes in to tell Les and Janice about Toyah's brief phone call.
She's on her way to London... to find her real Dad. Les rounds
off the show with a very tongue in cheek "great !".
This episode was written by Mark Wadlow.
Another fine episode as the tension is wound up on
the varying storylines of Greg and Sally, the missing Toyah,
who's leaving and who's staying on at the Rovers, and finally
Curly and the nutter Malone.
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Sorry if this has been a bit rushed, I've just 5 minutes
to give this a quick proof-read and spoil-chuck, and then off
home to me tea and the warm slippers !
Back real soon,
John Laird
Monday 31 August
This was going to be my valedictory update, before
I change jobs and find myself at our office in Weatherfield Quays
for five days a week. I might find myself relying on updates
and Mike Plowman's CSVU as well.
Anyway, I'll be back, and thank you to the many people
who emailed in response to my 'Dewey retires' posting, I have
enjoyed my ten updating months, and look forward to doing some
more when the new job permits.
Ok, let's get on with it, stop faffing and procrastinating
Dewey, what happened down Weatherfield way on Monday 31st August
1998?
We open, as is so depressingly regular, at the Webster's,
where it's breakfast time. Only a microfortnight into the scene,
and the gurrrrlllllls are sent upstairs to wash their hands.
Ok, I lied. But it happens so often that I've set up
an Auto Correct entry in Word, so that whenever I type (#webster)
it changes it to 'We open, as is so depressingly regular, at the
Webster's, where it's breakfast time. Only a microfortnight into
the scene, and the gurrrrlllllls are sent upstairs to wash their
hands.'
Well it seemed funny as I walked the dogs tonight.
We open, so refreshingly different, at the Battersby's,
where it's breakfast time. Janice is fretting about the runaway
RToyah, and telling Les that she would never have gone if he'd
been more of a father to her. Les is adamant that he's treated
both RToyah and Leanne equally - Janice counters that he hasn't
really given a toss about either of them, it was always left to
her. She also rejects his comments that he's fed and clothed them
- because she's done it, so Les demands that when RToyah finds
her real father, then he should start paying out. Janice starts
to reminisce that the best thing she's ever done in her life was
to put RToyah in her pram and leave her father. And the worst
thing she ever did was getting herself hitched up with Les.
Hey! It's AutoCorrect time!
We open, as is so depressingly regular, at the Webster's,
where it's breakfast time. Only a microfortnight into the scene,
and the gurrrrlllllls are sent upstairs to wash their hands.
Only this time the gurrrllls are absent from the scene,
and Sally is asking Kevin to get their breakfast as she can't
stop or she'll be late. Kevin questions why she's worried about
being late if she's leaving anyway? Sally counters that Baldwin
doesn't know what she & Greg are planning. Kevin wonders what's
so great about Greg anyway? How does Sally know it will work out?
Sally tells Kevin how Greg is such a great salesman, but Kevin
has already worked out that he's sold the idea to her so well
that she's falling over herself to put her money into it. Would
he want her to go into business with him if she didn't have the
money? Sally is still totally deluded, and cannot see that Kevin
is right - she accuses him of wanting her to be the dutiful housewife,
clocking in, clocking out, coming home to make his tea, and not
wanting her to better herself.
Vera and Jack think they've thwarted Alec Gilroy's
plans. Vera reckons that they're not going to buy him out, and
he's not going to buy them out, so he's stuck with them. Jack
urges caution - don't wind Alec up.
Alec arrives at that moment, full of the joys of Spring,
or summat. Love I suppose. Vera asks why he's so happy - Alec
suggests they'll be just as happy when they buy him out. As he
says, 'as happy as, well, pigs in muck springs to mind.' But as
Vera says, they're happy now, they've got a partnership, 'and
we're gonna keep it too'. Sadly, Alec understands the ways of
commerce a little bit more than Vera, and explains that if neither
party wants to buy the other out, then they'll have to sell the
business. Of course, he'll be fine, with his flat over the road,
but the Duckies, well, they'd have to find a new home, and new
jobs. After reminding them of this he deftly changes the subject....
'any tea in that pot?
Cut to the Kabin, where Rita is bringing two mugs of
hot refreshing liquid for her and Leanne. Interestingly (or not,
depends on your anorak quotient) the mugs are identical blue ones,
the kind which have names printed on them Rita's quite obviously
says 'Rita', but Leanne manages to conceal the lettering on her
mug for the whole scene. Couldn't they get one which said 'Leanne'?
Anyway, Rita asks for news on RToyah, but there isn't any. Alec
blows in, and suggests that he takes Rita out for lunch if it's
OK with Leanne. Which it is, of course, she'll take early lunch
to accommodate them. Rita doesn't want to make a habit of this,
because the shop comes first, but Alec has an ulterior motive:
he wants to look at wedding rings. Having made the arrangements,
he breezes out, leaving Leanne to comment that he's getting quite
masterful in his old age. Rita explains that it's good to let
your man have illusions of being masterful. They then go on to
discuss the ideas for honeymoon, Caribbean, Mustique, etc. Leanne
regrets not having had a big wedding to her Nick.
From the Kabin to Freshco, neé Firmans, where
Anne 'The Borg' Malone catches Curly by the till, and asks for
his forgiveness over her brusqueness when he offered her a drink
last night. To make amends, she suggests that he might like to
come over one night for a meal, with herself and Simon, the fiance.
Curly is glad to hear his name over the tannoy, and without giving
her an answer he mutters 'things to do!' and takes off. Anne goes
over to Alma, who has not served a single customer through her
checkout in this scene, and comments that Mr Watts can be difficult
to talk to, almost as if he's got something to hide. And he could
have a future in Freshco too. What is she planning?
Janice is trying to reach someone by telephone, but
hangs up realising that if RToyah were there, she'd probably take
off if she knew she'd been found. There's nowt for it but to go
after her. Les is confused - 'Where?' 'London' And even more confused
when he asks how RToyah could have found her father's address.
Janice explains - the same place as she knows it from - his letter,
Summerhill Avenue, Walthamstow. She just knew Toyah had been searching
through her knicker drawer. And yes, he has written several times
since she left him. Sixteen years ago? Les is not happy that this
correspondence has been kept from him. Les forbids her from going
to London that afternoon by bus, but Janice won't listen.
Waterloo Bridge, Southbound, and a blue Ford Transit
drops RToyah in a cycle lane. Sadly, he has no sense of London
geography and can only advise that Leytonstone is somewhere out
East. He cautions her to take care - 'you're in the wicked Metrollops
now'.
Keen viewers might be wondering why Toyah is going
to Leytonstone, but Janice is going to Walthamstow. Probably explained
by Janice's comment that Toyah's father wrote again after his
most recent move, to Walthamstow. Toyah must have found an older
letter from Leytonstone.
Toyah looks just a little lost, lost in a big city.
END OF PART ONE
In the Kabin, Ken pays his paper bill, but dawdles
on his departure to see what Les has to say as he rushes in for
a packet of fags. Les is annoyed with Janice for taking time off
work to go and look for Toyah. Ken asks if there is any news of
Toyah, to get Les's fury again accusing him of putting ideas into
her head - it's all his fault she's run off. 'Au contraire', says
Ken, (well, he doesn't really), 'that's not how I see it. I'm
surprised she stuck it with you for as long as she did.' Les threatens
fisticuffs again, which causes Ken to tell him that that is his
answer for everything, and he'd be better off asking himself why
Toyah felt the need to find another father, and applying his energies
to helping Janice find her. Ken leaves, and Les turns to Leanne,
amazed that he's just been spoken to like that. He doesn't expect
Leanne to agree with Ken. He tries to justify his indifferent
attitude to RToyah's disappearance with the idea that it's OK,
because she's only gone to visit her father. Leanne is angry,
reminding him that they know nothing about this chap, Toyah hasn't
seen him since she was in nappies, and anyway 'you're the only
proper Dad that she's ever had.' Les realises that she's right,
and is a bit knocked back into reality.
Yawn. Sally & Greg in the Rovers. He gives her
some keys, which she excitedly thinks are for his flat, but no,
they're for the office they are renting down on the Quays. Must
be near my office then. She tells him that she's told Kevin about
'you and me', which worries Studley 2 until she qualifies that
she's only told Kevin about the business venture. Just then Kevin
arrives, and accepts Studley 2's offer of a drink. He gets right
down to it though, and asks why he has chosen Sally as a partner
- is it because she's got money? Sally tries to shut him up, but
Mr Smarm tells Kevin that the money is important of course, but
Sally has all these other qualities ... but Kevin knows all that,
doesn't he? 'But you don't, do you Kevin?', stirs Sally.
Jack comes home from unsuccessfully punting their share
of the Rovers around the landlords of Weatherfield. Every one
opined that shared ownership was a non-starter, and is guaranteed
to end in tears. Vera goes into panic mode - 'we'll have no home,
no job, why did we get mixed up with that flamin' Alec Gilroy?'
It was a little matter of £17,000 unpaid VAT wasn't it,
Vera?
A wonderful scene now, Alec and Rita are looking at
Wedding rings in a jeweller's window. Rita is unsure how much
he wants to spend, but enjoys winding Alec up by suggesting that
Audrey had said she ought to have an engagement ring, a nice diamond
solitaire. 'An engagement ring, at our time of life? But .....
if you've set your heart on one, you've only got to say.....'
Looking at a particular tray of 18ct Wedding rings, Alec tries
to dissuade her from the wider style, saying that some of them
look more suited to hanging curtains. 'And of course, the wider
ones cost more...' adds Rita, relishing teasing his meanness.
'Do you know, that never occurred to me?' 'No, I didn't think
it did'.
In a further attempt to avoid spending money, Alec
suggests that perhaps she has a treasured family item, her Mother's
wedding ring perhaps. Rita is sorry that she hasn't, but she has
the next best thing, two previous wedding rings, and why does
she need a third? Alec doesn't want her to wear another man's
ring, he wants her to wear his ring, 'but not a thick one' as
Rita adds.
With a little chuckle, Alec suddenly asks why they
are even looking in jeweller's windows when with his contacts
'in the trade' he could get something at wholesale. As they walk
away, Rita comments 'well at least we had a nice lunch...'
Les and Janice are rowing again. He wants to come with
her to London, despite saying this morning that she would lose
money if she took time off work. Janice has him sussed - he wants
to go because he's jealous, he must think that when Janice gets
together with Ronnie Clegg, there'll be hanky panky. She reminds
him of his interlude with 'that Moira', and that she's not a tomcat
like him. Leanne comes in, hearing the rowing, to learn from Janice
that he wants to come because he doesn't trust her. Les insists
it's because he cares about Toyah.
Hey, it's teatime at the Webster's, and Kevin is cutting
up Sophie's sausages. Served, as expected, with beans and chips.
Kevin is still Mr Angry, and cannot understand why Sally is going
out for more business meetings with Greg, when she's been with
him all day. Why don't they have their meetings here? Kevin could
put the gurrrrrllllls in the front room with a video, and they
could talk business. Sally, running out of excuses, says that
OK, they will do that - if it will keep the peace. And goes off
to the phone.
Fred, I say Fred, is propping up the Rovers bar, telling
Alec how the cost of a wedding is inflated by incidentals - cars,
caterers, etc. Not a bad investment for a young man, but for Alec,
at his age? It might only be a few months... Alec excuses himself
' I'm keeping my bride-to-be waiting.'
Rita wants to know what Fred was on about, Alec tells
her and then realises that Fred is still sore at the expense that
he incurred, and his wedding lasted what, a week?
Rita says how she is dreading telling Mavis about her
wedding to Alec - she thinks Mavis will think she's mad, she'll
need her head examining. Alec recalls that Mavis never liked him
- 'and I don't know why, because I never employed her.' He is
a bit put out when Rita states that she'll be inviting Mavis,
indeed she wants all her old friends at the wedding, so he's going
to have all his old friends. 'What old friends?' says Rita 'other
than a few acts you used to have on your books, like dog acts,
lightning cartoonists and balloon twisters?' Alec decides that
he'll ask Wally Murphy to be Best Man, 'Wally Murphy of Wally
Murphy's Educated Chickens - finest Hen Act there ever was (cue
your tears of laughter, great, deadpan stuff) did you never see
it? Do you know, in their prime they could have clucked Mendelssohn's
Wedding March for you?' Which Alec then demonstrates. This has
got to be a John Stevenson script.
At the bar, Alma is asking Curly why he's being offhand
with Ann Malone. He agrees that perhaps he is, but then he's known
her a lot longer than Alma has.
Cut to Miss Malone, behaving very strangely, in the
dining room of her home. Wearing surgical gloves, and wielding
surgical instruments, she is cutting individual letters from the
chapter headings of the Astronomy book she took from Curly's yesterday,
the one inscribed 'The property of Norman Watts', and sticking
them onto a piece of A4. So far she has made the words 'We Demand
A', and enjoys a satisfyingly conspiratorial smile.
RToyah is walking through the City of London, I couldn't
recognise the street. She asks a passer-by 'excuse me, is this
Leytonstone, do you know Thorns Road at all?', but gets no response.
She looks a lot more lost, but surely she would have passed a
bus map by now? They try to be very helpful to tourists you know,
even those that want to go to Leytonstone.
Back in the Rovers, Curly is explaining to Alma that
Anne Malone once went to a lot of trouble to get him the sack,
but Alma suggests that she too has had a visit from the personality
transplant fairy. But we know better, don't we, boys and girls?
Alec is still sitting with Rita, and comments that
the look on Vera's face could turn beer sour in the barrel. As
he goes off to the bar, Fred seizes his opportunity to remind
Rita that he could have been the man to make her happy, but now
they'll never know. He wishes her every joy, but suggests that
it won't be easy getting joy from Alec Gilroy.
Alec, meanwhile, is outlining his plan to the Duckies
they sell their share to him at a fair price, continue to work
there, on wages, and continue to live there. He is also adamant
that there's no catch, and it's an exceedingly generous proposition.
Les and Janice have emerged from the depths of Victoria
Coach Station into Buckingham Palace Road. Les could murder a
pint (there's a nice Young's pub just round the corner, Les, or
were you hoping to find the Queen Vic?), but Janice is determined
to go straight round to Ronnie's to bring Toyah home. Summerhill
Avenue, Walthamstow - it's on the tube.
RToyah, meanwhile, has found Thorns Road, E4, Borough
of Waltham Forest. ('Ang on, E4's Chingford innit, not Leytonstone?).
An area of boarded up houses and rusty burnt out cars. Finding
the house she wants, she knocks at the door with the letter box
flap. Shortly the door is opened by a man who bears more than
a passing resemblance to those McGann brothers, but it isn't one.
He looks around to see who may be watching.
'What d'yer want?', eyeing her up and down.
''Dad, it's me, I'm your daughter. I've run away from
home to find you'
'Yer mental, clear off'
'Please Dad, listen, I'm Toyah, Janice's daughter.
Your daughter, Toyah. Can I come in? Only I've no money left,
I'm hungry , and I've got nowhere to sleep'
'Who's waiting for you'
'Nobody, I'm on me own'
'Nowhere to sleep, eh? You'd best come in.'
Looking around to see if anybody saw them, he closes
the door behind her.
Oooh er, watch it Toyah.
It was a John Stevenson script! Educated chickens
clucking the Wedding March indeed!!!
Remember that Wednesday's episode is an hour!
And that's yer lot. My last update for a while.
But as Arnie said (I think, though I've never seen
it) - I'll be back.
The Full Dewey,
Hitchin, UK
Written by John
Laird, Peter Dewhirst,
CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk
