Sunday 2 August
I came, I drank, I was deflowered. I am no longer a Ping virgin
! Many, many thanks to Alan M and Roofy for organising last Saturday's
get together in York. Although I was a little suspicious when
I had to sit on my own nursing a pint of Tetley's worst for a
while until the advance party arrived from Betty's tea shop somewhat
later than planned. Fortunately, I recognised Alan straight away,
in his cuddly purple baby-grow with the TV screen on the front
!
I think it's fair to say a very fine afternoon was had by
all, while for some it was merely the main course of a veritable
orgying of Ping'ing starting sometime Friday and continuing on
late into Sunday night. There's no satisfying some folks. It
was the first occasion I'd met everyone present, and what a nice
and relatively normal bunch they all were, too. [And no, that's
not intended as an insult.] All of the update writers arrived,
along with a host of other regulars from ratucs. I got a bit
lost during some of the chat about the IRC channel, it must be
said. I'm afraid my steam powered technology here doesn't run
to that. We had a quick quiz which was chaired by Alan, and was
very tough. Very tough. I think Dewey and I came an honourable
3rd.
Loads of piccies were taken (I think someone mugged a coachload
of Japanese tourists), so you can expect to see major character
assassination being committed on a web page near you in the not-too-distant
future. I ticked the no publicity box, but no-one took a blind
bit of notice.
I'll have to draw this to a close now (Alan will be writing
a small novel in comparison, so you can get all the real dirt
from him) and be off home to get packed for my hols.
Here's a wee update I'd prepared earlier...
Act 1
We open in Rita's Kabin, where Leanne and Ken are busy sorting
out the till and the magazines. In comes Alec, wanting to know
if the papers went out on time, and why is the back of the shop
full of empty boxes ? Both Ken and Leanne are annoyed by Alec's
interference, and protest. He announces that is acting in his
capacity as Rita's representative, now that they are "an
item". Jaws drop all round.
Lorraine and Spider emerge from Auntie Em's house. Spider tells
his new love he is worried about Curly. She wants to go out that
night, but he thinks it might be best to lie low for a bit. As
they walk away, we see Toyah watching from further up the street.
Curly arrives and asks her what women see in Spider. She rounds
on him: "Even if we didn't see anything in Spider, we still
wouldn't see it in a sad old fart like you !". Poor Curly.
[And poor Kevin Kennedy, having to watch his character going down
the tubes at the same time as sorting out his own personal problems.]
Back in the Kabin, Leanne and Ken are discussing Alec's apparent
claims to Rita's affections, when the Big Red One arrives in person.
She, too, asks if the papers went out on time. [My paper shop
really doesn't seem all that bothered, I think the writers must
be harking back to around the time when I was a paper lad and
it was a hard life. We had to get up at 4 in t'morning, lick t'road
clean wi' our tongues....] Ken tells Rita that Alec has already
been in and asked exactly the same question, and goes on to mention
Alec's new "status". Rita looks confused, and a little
annoyed.
Curly is in his office, glasses off, pulling strange faces
in a shaving mirror, apparently trying to look more youthful,
or less sad. Alma knocks on his door, and he fumbles with his
specs, managing to poke himself in the eye in the process. Alma
tells him she has come to pretend to ask him something, as it
were. [This is a little confusing, but read on anyway. It made
some sort of sense but what was missing was the information about
what had prompted it all.] She wonders if they have any plans
for all-night shopping. Curly says of course not, he's no intention
of catering for sad shift workers and insomniacs. "Tell them
I'll report to head office that there'd been an enquiry",
he says. "Which of course I won't", he adds. Alma seems
to think this is OK. [Glad she understands it. I didn't. But I
think we were supposed to imagine this had been a request from
a member of staff, or a customer, the local paper, a passing Martian,
someone anyway.] She turns to go, but Curly asks her how old she
thinks he is. She is a little flustered, and asks "why ask
me ?". He mutters something about women over 40 being good
at that sort of thing, and she replies "well about that age,
actually". "What !! You think I'm over 40 !". Oops.
Alma tells him she has offended him. "I'm only 35 !"
he says. Alma looks surprised, and he adds "going on 45,
obviously !". Well, it just goes to show what clothes do
for people, how you judge them by what they wear, Alma proffers
by way of a retreat. Curly examines his tie.
Greg "bumps into" Sally in the street, accidentally
on purpose no doubt. They make a feeble attempt at talking business
while other people walk by, and then lower their voices. Greg
asks Sally is she got back alright the night before. She tells
him that fortunately, Kevin was half asleep. "I can't stand
it, I want to be with you all the time", she admits. "I
don't like all this acting." [Nope, we're not 100% on it
either, Sally !]
Alec arrives in the Kabin to whisk Rita away for lunch, in
his words. Rita in reply asks him if he wants a clout round the
head from her handbag. "What's all this, telling everyone
we're courting ? Get out !". [And the same question to No
2, Cilla..]
Intermission
I may as well take this bit out of my update template, there's
so little to report. I did notice that Pepsi have dropped the
Spice Girls ads from their repertoire, no doubt after Geriatric
Spice quit. Wonder what that ended up costing ?
Act 2
It's straight back to the Kabin, where Alec has not got out. "Have
you forgotten how we'd made up, and were looking forward to the
future", he asks. "We had a drink together and a heart-to-heart."
Rita simply looks even more confused. "I can't cope with
this !". Ken, who has been quietly standing to one side,
decides it's time Alec left, as Rita is clearly under a lot of
strain.
Spider and Lorraine are out shopping. [Oh dear, Spider, it's
all downhill once you start shopping together !] He picks up a
pack of veggie bangers and tells her they're very nice in a bun
with some mustard. She still wants to go out that evening, and
suggests an 80s retro night at a local club. Spider agrees. And
who should appear next but Toyah, who also picks up a packet of
the same sausages. "Spider loves these", she says. Lorraine
pretends to go along with this, telling Toyah they're very nice
in a bun with some mustard. Toyah feigns surprise, asking Lorraine
if she isn't a dead animal eater. "I'm an omnivore",
replies Lorraine. <blank look.> "That means I eat anything
!". [CP ! Quiet !!] Toyah isn't giving up easily and asks
Spider if he'd like to come round for his tea that night. "Thanks,
but I can't. We're going out to that new club. What's it called
?". Lorraine stares into space, but Spider remembers the
name after all. Toyah thinks that's a great idea, and she'll come
with them. "No way !", says Lorraine, coming back to
life, "definitely *not* happening !!". [Nice touch,
a bit of authentic yoof-speak there. Although no doubt it was
last month's style, and is now hopelessly sad.] Lorraine drags
Spider away.
Curly and Alma have been standing just down the aisle from
all this. He asks her what women see in Spider. She tells him
that Spider has a nice way about him, a warm feeling of self-confidence,
and a sense of humour. It goes over Curly's head.
Leanne is off home from the shop, and Ken bids her farewell.
Turning up like the proverbial bad penny is Alec again, offering
to lock up. Ken tells him that he and Leanne are coping perfectly
well without his help - as far as Ken is concerned, *he* is looking
after the shop. Alec pleads for some understanding about his position,
telling Ken that he isn't playing any sort of game with Rita.
Leanne arrives home, and tosses a packet of cigarettes in Toyah's
lap. "Did you knock them off ?", she asks. "Of
course not", replies Leanne. Toyah tells her sister this
new attitude is down to her Nick, she hardly ever smokes any more
either. She offers Leanne a fag, but Leanne turns it down. "You've
changed, Leanne." "So have you, since you got keen on
that Spider." Toyah confesses she wishes she could change
Spider back to the way he was before he met "that tart Lorraine".
"He used me", she complains, "now he doesn't care
any more". Leanne advises Toyah that she doesn't need him
either.
In the Rovers, Maxine is whinging about Greg always making
excuses for not seeing her. She tells him that she knows he wasn't
doing whatever it was he said he was doing, the day before, because
she'd asked Mike and got a different answer. "You'll never
get a straight answer from Mike", he explains, "because
he thinks every guy's like him, cheating on his wife. Probably
thinks he's done me a favour !". "You know where you
are with me, I'll always be straight with you", he adds.
[Upchuck...] Kevin and Sally enter, Kevin very enthused with something,
Sally not. Kevin spots two seats next to Greg and Maxine and asks
if they can sit down. Fine, says Maxine. Greg and Sally look awkward.
Kevin gets a round in, and starts telling everyone how he's really
keen about expanding the garage, and getting into car-dealing.
"And it's all down to my lovely wife, and her money !",
he beams. Sally looks as if she is waiting for the floor to open
up.
Spider and Lorraine are at the club. [Shall I embarrass myself
by admitting to knowing what records are playing in the background
? Oh why not. It's Duran Duran.] Spider hasn't made much effort
on the clothes front. She wonders if he is enjoying himself. He
is. "Did you think I'm too serious to have fun ? You've not
seen me in action, have you ?". They head for the dance floor,
where Spider demonstrates how to dance like a divvy, version two.
[Version one is the foot shuffle where the upper body, including
arms is mostly motionless, version two involves exaggerated pointing
motions and much rolling of eyes.] Lorraine rolls her eyes in
apparent embarrassment, while in the background we spy Toyah looking
on approvingly.
Back at the Rovers, Greg is making excuses for himself and
Maxine. He's really tired, and is going to take Maxine straight
home. Kevin announces that this is a shame, as he was enjoying
himself. As Maxine and Greg leave, she asks him why he was feeling
tired all of a sudden. [Nothing to do with having to sit and look
at your other girlfriend, perhaps ?]
Alma and Mike are chatting, she has obviously been telling
him about Curly, and suggests they go and keep him company. "Do
we have to ?", asks Mike. They wander over and sit next to
our hapless hero. Mike beams and tells him that "Alma says
we should come and sit with you - keep your mind off your sad
and lonely life !". [He's priceless in these scenes, is Mike
!!]
At the disco^h^h^h^h^h nightclub, Spider is having a seriously
fab and groovy time, and Toyah is joining in wholeheartedly. Lorraine,
on the other hand, is seriously cheesed off, and heads for the
bar. [This is all a little close to home. Mrs L goes by the name
of Lorraine, too, and where she is a keen dancer, I most emphatically
am not. I could be, to borrow a phrase a friend once used about
himself, the Douglas Bader of the dance floor. We have had some
near-divorce moments whenever there is music and strobe lighting
present !]
Rita lets Alec into her flat. He has come to see what he has
done to upset her. Rita admits that she cannot remember anything
from the previous day's chat at all - it's all a blur. Alec tells
her all about it, but her mind remains a blank. She looks very
sad, and Alec is genuinely concerned.
Spider finally tracks Lorraine down in a corner of the club.
She tells him that she wanted to be there with *him*, not his
groupie. He thinks it best if they all just go home. Lorraine
wonders why Toyah can't just go on her own, but Spider says she
is too young to be making her way home alone.
It's late, and everyone in the Webster household is asleep,
apart from droopy Sally who has sneaked downstairs to make a phone
call to you know who. [Next to the phone is a happy snap of her
and Kevin and the gurls.] The conversation goes along the lines
of the typical teenagers in lurve scene, and no doubt viewers
are barfing across the country. Sally admits she is insanely jealous
of Maxine. Greg says that's why they left the pub so abruptly,
he had to get rid of Maxine. Just then, Rowsie comes down the
stairs. Sally says she has to go, and adds "I love you".
She tells her little girl that she had come downstairs to get
something to eat, and was "just talking to myself".
On the other end of the line, Greg too has to explain who he
was talking to on the phone. Maxine is emerging from the bathroom
in a towel, obviously not at home at all. Greg tells her it was
a woman who'd got the wrong number, and she must have been a bit
squiffy as she'd seemed quite happy to chat to Greg instead. "Are
you trying to make me jealous ?", simpers the simple crimper.
"I'll show you how you're the only girl for me", says
Greg, and grabs her. Clinch. [More barfing. And Maxine is *so*
tanned, it's ridiculous. Why we're supposed to imagine that the
likes of her, and Lorraine, and before that Samantha, spend their
free time lying under a sun-bed, I cannot imagine.]
A cab arrives and disgorges the dancing queens. Spider shows
Toyah to her door, as Lorraine stomps off in the other direction.
He runs to stop her, asking her to come back. Lorraine thinks
Spider is more interested in Toyah. "I could hardly tell
her to get lost", he argues. She tells him he is too soft.
He calls her bluff. "Fine ! I'll call you a cab, then ?"
Lorraine back-tracks. No, she doesn't want a cab. He asks her
if she is planning to spend the night in the bus shelter. That'd
be a shame, as Auntie Em is away, and it would've been nice if
Lorraine had stayed. Only, he's blown it. Shame. Lorraine gives
in, and throws her arms around him. They go inside. [Top man,
Spider, quite beautifully done !!]
This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.
*Much* better tonight. The scene in Curly's office was priceless,
and possibly bettered by Spider's display on the dance floor.
It's not easy to describe in words, but at one point he was with
just his head and hands protruding through a green "curtain"
of laser light. [I must look out my Saturday Night Fever outfit
and get down and boogie !!]
I'm still missing Ashleh though, I said I'm still missing
Ashleh...
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****
For the next couple of weeks, you have the pleasure of being
updated by Sandy. Or then again, it might be Glyn. Well, once
he's sorted out his identity crisis, I'm sure he do a splendid
job !
See you soon, John Laird
Monday 3 August
Hi everyone, this is going to be my last late update. I was
all ready to get it done within 3 days, but as I ran the tape
forward from doing the previous Monday's, it jammed and I couldn't
use it any more. Here on Anglia TV our repeat is at 5am the following
morning, rather than a weekly omnibus, so I'd missed that. Fortunately
Tinky^ sent me his tape, but not in time to update before my
holiday. So here I am, 9pm Tuesday 18th August, hoping I can
get the bulk of the update done before I have to go to the pub.
Thank's Tinky^, the tape will be back in the post today.
Just for a change, we don't open at the Webster's at breakfast,
but in the Kabin, where Toyah is perusing teen-mags. (BTW don't
let your daughters read 'more' until you've vetted it yourself,
unless they're over, say, 21. It's disgusting). Rita is getting
snappy with Leanne, commanding her to get the crisps in and leave
the papers to her.
A semi-naked Spider (steady, Glenda) comes down to breakfast,
and finds Lorraine has already prepared it. And what /is/ that
through his left nipple? Looks like a 3 inch spike of wood to
me. (BTW the newly liberated Dewey yesterday joined him: a nice
titanium ring, and it didn't hurt a bit.) They have a bit of a
'how was it for you' session referring to the night and/or evening
before, and we are left not knowing whether they enjoyed Ugandan
Relations between the sheets or not. Lorraine teases him about
his mothering of RToyah. She then proceeds to floss his teeth
with her tongue. Yeurrrrgh.
Cut to RToyah, alone chez Batts. She's taking her magazine's
advice on how to catch her ideal man, trying out a new sexy walk,
and checking herself out in the mirror - 'make the most of your
eyes by looking at your hunks through lowered lids'. The mag's
clothing tips don't impress her either. How will she ever get
Spider to notice her?
It was too good to last, here we are chez Webster, where RKevin
is opening the morning's junk mail. Then there's a letter from
the Solicitors telling him that the garage deal with Natalie is
nearly complete. Sally senses an argument, and tells the girls
to go upstairs to get ready for school, but they don't go. Kevin
goes instead, leaving them eating their breakfast. Sally gets
cross with them for not doing as they were told.
Toyah, tired of trying seduction tips, goes round to Ken's
for her extra-curricular activity. He reads her latest effort,
and admits that it's crap, but better crap. Most importantly,
she's definitely showing signs of improvement. Ken catches sight
of her magazine, which Toyah is embarrassed about, but he reassures
her that he doesn't care what she reads, as long as she does read.
She bluffs that she only reads it for the cooking articles!
Back to the Kabin, where Rita is getting a bit confused. Why
is Leanne humping boxes of crisps around when she should be doing
the papers? Leanne explains that she herself told her to do the
crisps, but Rita can't remember, nor remember that Toyah was even
in the shop that morning.
Ken and Toyah are doing a letter writing exercise. Toyah can't
see why letters should be in language different from everyday
use. Why can't she just write 'Hiya. Send me the stuff or we'll
come round and break your knees, love Toyah.' Ken explains that
Real Life is different because of the body language, that can't
be conveyed in a letter. Hasn't he heard of smileys? He suggests
that as Toyah thinks the magazine is crap, she should write a
letter to the editor describing how they could improve it. Toyah
is reluctant, assuming they wouldn't bother to even read it, but
agrees to go along with it as an exercise. One of her reasons
for thinking it's crap is that it's full of lads with no shirts
on, that's naff. He tries to encourage her to think her objections
through - not just saying it's naff, but why it's naff. She wants
the magazine to concentrate less on getting off wi' lads, and
more on dangerous sports, like quad-biking. Shouldn't she be buying
What Quad Bike or Bungee Jumping Digest?
Ken is surprised that she's not interested in boys, but she
tells him that she 'goes for older men'. Ken's involuntary body
language causes her to add 'I said older men, not geriatrics'.
LOL!
Again we visit the Kabin, where Leanne tells Alec that she's
getting worried about Rita and her forgetfulness. Roy is unnecessarily
sarcastic, questioning how there could be more room in her mind
to be worried about Rita. Leanne tells him straight that although
they don't see eye to eye, she doesn't want him moving in and
taking control. He tells her not to be concerned, Rita is just
a little tired. Smelling a rodent, Leanne demands 'what's up',
which nicely coincides with Rita coming in from the back, all
smiles, to reiterate the question. Alec, caught out, is saved
by the arrival of Vera, teasing him that she can always find him
behind a bar or a counter, but wouldn't it be nice if he was behind
the bar of the Rovers occasionally? Rita explains that he's only
doing her a favour while she gets better, but knowing him she'll
have to return it. He'll probably get her working behind the Rovers
bar sometime. This is something Vera doesn't want to hear, and
she begins to think Alec has a plot to get the Duckies out and
Rita in.
Ken is very impressed with Toyah's letter to the editor describing
the research she has done which indicates that coverage of extreme
sports would be welcome. The spelling was a bit suspect, but they've
put that right, and it was the content that was important. He
puts it in an envelope and sees Toyah out. Toyah tells him that
he's dead good as a teacher - why wasn't he like that at school?
She's having second thoughts about sending the letter, so Ken
takes it off her to make sure it gets posted.
As he walks to the postbox we cut to Curly who has spotted
Martin outside the Kabin. He goes over to suggest they have a
night out soon, but Martin's diary is fully booked - he's on nights.
Still, the whole scene was just a plot device to get Martin in
position to be pumped for medical knowledge by Alec. Alec admits
that everyone takes advantage of Martin's medical capacity, and
that he wants to do the same. Martin, to his credit, admits that
he knows nothing about Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, and suggests
a visit to Rita's GP might be a better idea. Is this the first
time he hasn't known everything required for a Street regular's
medical position?
Our Toyah is a busy lass, now she's cleaning tables in Roy's
Rolls. Spider and Lorraine arrive, and Toyah uses a line from
her 'get your man guide' - 'do you have a wide and varied wardrobe?
Then you could do clever things with co-ordinated separates.'
Lorraine is confused until Toyah comments that she is wearing
the same clothes as she did in the club last night. Lorraine really
enjoys rubbing it in that she hasn't been home to change yet.
RToyah certainly didn't want to hear that!
END OF PART ONE
RToyah, who was not impressed with Lorraine's order
of scrambled egg and bacon, fairly throws the plate on the table.
Lorraine thinks she is a stroppy little madam, and can't understand
how a veggie can work in a cafe serving animal products. It'd
be like her being anti-alcohol, yet working in the Rovers. Spider
tells her that 'she gets confused, but she's all right is Toyah.'
Leanne wants to know what's bugging RToyah, who indicates
towards Lorraine, and explains how she stayed with Spider last
night. Leanne suddenly understands, and takes the bacon roll that
Toyah has given her, and goes to Spider's table for the ketchup.
Oh dear, her squeeze on the bottle slips, and Lorraine's white
blouse begins to look like it needs a hot wash with Persil. 'I
am so, so sorry', says Leanne with minimal sincerity, 'I do hope
you don't have to go home and change your top'.
Alec is fussing over the magazines and periodicals
while Alma tells Rita how nice it is to have her back in the saddle.
As Alma leaves, having cancelled the papers for the weekend, Rita
catches Alec looking at her strangely. He claims that he's just
looking at her because he's glad to have her back, but Rita is
not convinced.
RToyah is still following her magazine's advice - 'take
the initiative, go round to his house, he's probably only watching
telly anyway, and will be glad to see you.' Snatching up some
of the many clothes lying around, she hurries out of the scene.
For a change of scene, we go to Underworld, where Blandford
sits with Sally to talk about Kevin, the garage etc. It isn't
easy talking in that situation, and he has to cover up when they
might be overheard.
'What are you up to?' says Spider, admitting RToyah.
'Oh, just taking the initiative, y'know how it is'. She's wearing
an embroidered cotton blouse (with sleeves far too long), and
curiously, Les's brown leather gilet. She tries to get all sexy
and sensuous, and asks Spider what he thinks about age differences
in couples. He says he's never really thought about it, which
Toyah takes as encouragement. Lorraine arrives, post-bath, and
joins in, agreeing that there's very little difference in their
ages, and then asking why Toyah wants to know - is it a school
project or something? Toyah has to twist it back to Lorraine,
and tells her that it is a project on why so-called vegans go
out with people who eat meat. Lorraine asks her why she is wearing
leather? 'No, it's not /her/ jacket', says Spider, 'it's her Dad's.
<Thinks a moment> Why /are/ you wearing it?' A crestfallen
Toyah runs out when Lorraine describes the quiet night in she
is planning with Spider.
Curly is being miserable into his pint, declaring to
Betty that he is a 'nothing happening person'. Baldwin rubs it
in by agreeing. Curly declines another pint and states that he
might just run away to London to seek fame and fortune, and find
somebody new. Baldwin can't miss another opportunity to belittle
Curly - ' Get a life - what could they see in you?' Alma goes
into protect friendship mode and tells Curly not to take any notice
of Mike, but all the same, he could look very attractive if he
made a bit of an effort.
We cut to Kevin telling Natalie that he's had the Solicitors'
letter, and it'll soon be all over, they'll be free of each other.
Ken comes in for a pint, and Vera wants to know what
Alec's up to. Ken doesn't know, but agrees that Alec has got his
feet firmly under the counter at the Kabin.
RToyah is getting increasingly upset about failing
to get Spider to notice her. In her frustration she tears up her
magazine, turns on some loud music, and disappears upstairs.
As we saw before, loud music chez Batts is still loud
in Emily's parlour, and it is there that we find Spider doing
his strange dancing, to Lorraines evident amusement. He's wearing
a rather wonderful T shirt showing all of Stonehenge round his
waist. I want one! Although for me it would need to include the
Avebury Stone Circle, and prolly the Circle Line too just to get
round my waist. Lorraine is so amused she joins in, and, naturally,
they have another osculatory session. An unusual scene, no dialogue,
just a few giggles from Lorraine.
Curly comes home from a hard day's supermarket managing,
and finds the second post. He ploughs through the junk mail until
he reaches an Airmail envelope from Kuala Lumpur. After the pleasantries,
Raquel gets straight to the point - she has met somebody special
- Justin - and she wants a divorce. Curly can't take this in with
the noise of Toyah's music. (Note the copy of PC Plus on the table
- proof that Curly is, or aspires to be, computer literate)
It's closing time at the Kabin, and Leanne is preparing
to leave. She tells Rita that she's very pleased that Rita's back,
and getting better. This is news to Rita, she has no recollection
of being ill. Just then Alec arrives, who confirms that she has
been ill, but is better now. Rita starts to get hysterical, and
through her sobbing, tells him how frightened she is. He tries
to comfort her, but she is sure that she is losing her mind. With
her head in her hands just like Edvard Munch's 'The Scream', she
sobs into the closing credits.
Episode written by Peter Mills.
Dewey
Wednesday 5 August
The first draft of this week's update contained a
long introductory spiel about the 'cult of celebrity', but on
second reading I decided it was too much like some pseudo-sociological
tract and got rid of it. All I wanted to say was the fact that
a lot of celebrities are cults - and there, but for the grace
of a single consonant, go most of them - is quite understandable.
After all, most people lead lives of such utter tedium and joylessness
that they are only too glad to enjoy vicarious fame and fortune
through the lives of their favourite celebrities. What I can't
understand, however, is why people who have relatively varied
and fun-filled social lives, and who are on the surface happy
and 'sorted', should want to worship at the shrine of celebrity.
For example, what makes someone like my old mate Mike Plowman
want to camp out for three nights just to get Ainsley Harriot's
autograph? Why does the relatively sane and 'together' Graham
Allsopp run the sole UK fanclub for the Krankies? What on earth
motivates a normal young woman like Glenda Young (normal, that
is, apart from the chronic Dettol addiction) to spend her annual
fortnight's holiday in a run-down B&B in Birmingham, simply
because the actor who played Benny in "Crossroads"
once stayed there? And why does my dear friend Tracy Roketta
persist in writing letters of proposal to Barry Manilow? (Tracy,
dearest, was the photocopy that I sent you of his Barbra Streisand
Appreciation Society membership card not enough to convince you?).
It really is baffling.
My mother is just as bad. During a recent phone call
she told me how excited she was to have actually met someone
who knew the cousin of a woman who'd had a non-speaking walk-on
part in Eldorado. (I suppose this makes my mother a minor
celebrity thrice removed). Personally I've never been into the
celebrity bit. I guess it's because I spent several months of
my youth behind the bar of the Albany Hotel in Birmingham, and
thus know only too well what arseholes some of these celebrities
can be. (I shan't name names, but "it'll be a great night
if you play your cards right." *That* particular arsehole
once gave me a barrage of verbal abuse simply because I forgot
to put ice in his Scotch). Some, however, are truly affable people
and a pleasure to be with. Les Dawson, whom I served on numerous
occasions, was a 24-carat gem, as was the inimitable Larry Grayson.
Another gem was the late Beryl Reid, who once gave me almost
half-an-hour of her time to talk about her roles in "The
Killing Of Sister George" and "Entertaining Mr Sloane",
before advising me to get a university education rather than
go to drama school, which had been my original intention. That
the Establishment didn't honour her during her lifetime by making
her a Dame is a total scandal, but that's by the by. (I've never
been decorated with anything and probably never will be; I've
been 'whitewashed' enough times, but never decorated. I can't
see HM ever giving *me* an OBE. Not that I want one, really.
I'd much prefer a knighthood. That's the one where you have to
kneel down and kiss the Queen's ring, isn't it? Should be no
problem: I've got years of practice, after all).
Other celebrities I've met in less than salubrious
circumstances, to say the least. As a teenager, I used to frequent
this really posh hotel, The Grosvenor, in Birmingham which was
also a club for friends of Dorothy (and sisters of Sappho), and
many's the time I've bumped into the guy who played Adam Chance
in "Crossroads". Come to think of it, I don't know
why they didn't shoot "Crossroads" in the Grosvenor,
given the number of cast members I've seen in there. Once I actually
danced with the black guy who played the motel mechanic, and
Noelle Gordon could often be seen there too, prancing around
without a bra and pinching people on the bum (I kid you not -
these memories are etched in stone).
But the incident I remember best is the one which
changed my attitude to celebrity for good. Years ago - I couldn't
have been much older than nineteen - I was answering the call
of nature in an (eminently straight and respectable) London hotel
when who should walk in and take up his position at the adjoining
urinal but the one-and-only George Best! Now as it happens, George
was *my* boyhood icon and I couldn't believe my eyes. What a
singularly inopportune moment at which to come face-to-face with
one's old object of worship! My first instict, understandably,
was to shake the great man's hand, but extricating my own hand
from the job it was engaged in would have probably meant spraying
the poor chap in the process, so I just stood there, awe-struck
and totally lost for words. When I eventually found a voice,
it was to say something mundane like "George, I'd just like
to say what a pleasure it always is to watch you play" -
the kind of stuff that he'd probably heard a million times -
but in my flustered state it came out something like "George,
I'd just like to say what a pleasure it always is to watch you
piss." The fact that I turned beetroot-red was enough to
prove that I'd said it totally unintentionally, and he laughed
good-naturedly while I fumbled through an apology. It is disconcerting
enough to stand talking to one's idol while both of you have
your family jewels in your hand without making a gaffe as awful
as that on top of everything else. Anyway, when we'd both zipped
up and washed our hands, he gave me his autograph and I repaired
to the bar to tell my friends whom I'd just seen. "So dish
the dirt," said one of them, "and tell us whether he's
hung like a horse or not." They didn't believe me when I
told them that I hadn't even noticed. "Who cares whether
he's hung like a horse?" I said. "The fact that he's
human and needs to piss like the rest of us is breaking my heart!"
My final bit on celebrity involves HRH Prince of Wales,
who recently came up to Durham to receive an honorary doctorate
or something. And I stood him up!! I was one of a select few
from the Social Sciences Faculty invited to "mingle with
the Prince at an informal finger buffet" or words to that
effect. The problem was that it clashed with our own department's
finalists' leaving ceremony, and if it's a toss-up between saying
goodbye to my own students and hobnobbing with Charlie, I'm afraid
Charlie loses out every time. (Besides, I thought, what would
I have said to him? "Sorry about the smash-up in Paris"?
"Why did you ditch Di for someone who looks like Audrey
Roberts in the first place?" "Does Camilla do 'colours'?"
And what would he have said to me? I reckoned I was better off
out of it. Besides, if he'd wanted to have cut the crap with
some pathetic old queen, he could have simply phoned his mother).
It's a shame in a way, because I would have got to say hello
- again - to our Chancellor, the wondrous Peter Ustinov. Ustinov's
is the signature that our students get on their degree certificates
- unlike in my student days here in Durham when Margot Fonteyn
was Chancellor. I've got her signature on both my undergraduate
*and* postgraduate degree certificates, a fact which I bear like
the cross it surely is. I'll never forget my mother's snide little
remark when I showed her my certificates. "You spend years
and years studying," she said, "and all you have to
show for it is a piece of paper signed by some sodding ballerina!"
I've never lived it down, believe me.
Anyway, enough celebrity gossip for one week. Onwards
and upwards we go to the update:
The episode opens chez Big Red Spice, who's been forgetting
things again. (The first thing she's forgotten is that candlewick
dressing gowns went out about the same time as ration books. There's
something for you to think about as the nights draw in). Alec
tells her that she really needs to see her GP. Carbon monoxide
poisoning can bring bouts of chronic forgetfulness in its wake,
and it's best that she has a word with her friendly doctor. Rita
nods in agreement, then instantly forgets what he's said. "Is
Len home from work yet?" she asks. "And has Elsie Tanner
brought me that knitting pattern back? The brazen hussy has had
it for almost a month. I'm halfway through that off-the-shoulder
poncho and it would be just like her to beat me to the punch.
And what about the papers? You'd better nip down and see whether
Mavis has done them or not. Probably not. No doubt she's slumming
it in Southport with that young Gerry whatsisname, who's no better
than he should be. And where's Lucille Hewitt when you need her?"
Alec tut-tuts and makes a mental note to get Big Red to the GP
pronto.
Out in the Street, Toyah is propping up the wall outside
her house and pouting sulkily into middle distance. Yes, she's
in the doldrums, and the reason for her unhappiness - Spider -
is just a few yards behind her, swanning down the cobbles with
Embalmed Spice glued to his arm. Spider says hello to Toyah but,
understandably, she blanks him. (And anyone who would reproach
her for this will have me to deal with! Toyah is a goddess - along
with Janice by far the best thing to happen to CS in years - and
I will forgive her anything). Embalmed Spice tells Spider to ignore
her; she then suggests that while Aunty Em is away, they should
throw a party. Spider is enthusiastic and they set a date: this
coming Friday, at around 7.30, which ties in nicely with that
evening's episode broadcast.
Toyah continues to sulk once Spider and Embalmed Spice
have gone, and is comforted in her moment of need by Leanne. (Leanne
is sporting a T-shirt with the number 22 on it, one 2 per breast.
Is this some kind of statement? Is there a new sub-duvet position
- a 22 - that I've yet to hear about, let alone try out? I'm not
really in favour of T-shirts with slogans emblazoned across them,
although I did wear one once as a dare. It was a canary yellow
effort with heavy black print which said: "My boyfriend went
to Sitges and all he brought back for me was this lousy T-shirt.
Oh, that and herpes." The herpes bit was in small print -
so small that you practically had to risk catching herpes just
to read it). Anyway, Leanne consoles Toyah as best she can, while
Toyah tries to shrug the whole thing off and appear 'cool'. (You
don't even have to try, Toyah dearest, because you are far and
away the coolest thing to hit those cobbles in decades).
Cut to some dreary local surgery. Rita has had her
candlewick dressing gown surgically removed and is now deep in
conversation with her physician. He, for his part, looks like
a slightly delapidated version of that Bonnington fellow who climbs
mountains, presumably just because they're there. (Isn't that
a wonderful answer? Why do you climb mountains? Because they're
there! Years ago I tried to use the same line of reasoning when
my mother asked me why I fancied our next door neighbour's nineteen-year
old son. "Because he's there, mother," I said, hoping
my stupid answer would put paid to her stupid questions. "Well
in that case we'll move to number 45," she said. "It's
at the end of the row and the only neighbour you'll find there
is a sixty-seven year old man with senile dementia and halitosis
that could strip paint. Then we'll see who's boss." I think
my mother was trying to make a point, but her non-sequitur threw
me and I gave up). Anyway, Rita tells the GP that she has headaches,
fatigue, drowsiness - and she keeps forgetting things. The GP
tells her that such symptoms are quite understandable, given that
she's just had a near-death experience with a faulty heater. However,
she should feel better in time, time being a great healer in more
ways than one. However, although she will improve with time, it
would be better - in the short-term anyway - to have someone to
look after her. Big Red says that she has a very kind neighbour,
Alec Gilroy, who often looks out for her. Alec is duly called
in, but he sets the cat among the pigeons by suggesting that Rita
sell the shop and retire. One thing that Big Red has definitely
not forgotten and that's How To Go Ballistic. Alec's suggestion
sends her into unbridled apoplexy. The GP makes a note on her
record: "Hysterical woman in obvious advanced stages of menopause",
before shouting: "Next!"
Back in the Street, Curly is telling Alma about the
letter from Raquel. He adds that he's tired of playing Mr Nice
Guy and that if Raquel wants a divorce, she's got another thing
coming. (Well, Curly, it's precisely because she's got another
thing coming - Justin in Kuala Lumpah - that she wants a divorce,
but I shan't rub it in. In fact, once Viagra comes onto the market,
no man will ever have to rub it in again, but that's a different
story).
At the cafe, Spider tries to make amends with lovesick
Toyah, but the Goddess is having none of it. She tells him that
since he's been hanging round Embalmed Spice - another little
tart who's no better than she should be - he hasn't had time for
her. Spider tries to reassure her that that is not the case, but
Toyah sends him away with a flea in his ear. (Given that he probably
never washes his ears, it won't be lonely then, will it? There's
probably enough wax in Spider's ears to make a small model of
Sheena Easton as it is.)
In the Rovers, Weatherfield's answer to Eva Peron -
Audreh Roberts - is chatting to her friend and mentor, Fred Elliot.
Audreh says that she rues the day she ever decided to become a
councillor, given all the work that she has to do. Fred tells
her that her career as councillor would be enlivened considerably
if they could think of a really big event for the millenium celebrations
that would put Weatherfield on the map. (Don't talk to me about
the millenium celebrations. I've already written to Peter Mandelson
to tell him to scrap his idea for a Millenium Dome. I said, "You
should move with the times and plan a Millenium Cottage instead",
but I got no answer. There's another celebrity who's no better
than he should be. I even wrote to Gateshead council and told
them that their bloody great Angel is a mistake too. Knowing what
I know of Gateshead, a Rent Boy of the North would be a much more
appropriate statue. I got no answer to that either. New Labour?
Well they've got a lot to answer for in the correspondence department,
I can tell you.).
Anyway, at this point, Fred appears to go into what
can only be described as a catatonic trance. "Fred, what's
wrong?" says Audreh. "I've got it!" shouts Fred
triumphantly. "The world's biggest sausage!"
Now Fred is not making any claims here. When he says
"I've got it", then follows this up with the words "the
world's biggest sausage", he is not bragging. What he means
is that he's thought of an idea that would put Weatherfield on
the map. Produce the world's biggest sausage and you'll have Norris
McWhirter knocking at your door before you can say "Irish
terrorist".
"Oh, Fred, you can't be serious," says Audreh.
But Fred is more serious than he's been in quite a while. "How
would you," he says, "like to be the woman behind the
world's largest sausage?"
Well, I can spot a double-entendre blindfolded at three
hundred paces, and this was a double-entendre like no other I've
ever heard on CS. [Well, given that it's from the pen of the wondrous
John Stevenson, 'sausage' simply *has* to be be a double-entendre.
Incidentally, did you know that the French don't say 'double-entendre'?
No, they say 'double-entente', but then the French are a law unto
themselves and can get away with anything. Look at Sacha Distel.)
The 'sausage' business runs through most of the rest
of the episode like a leitmotif; at one point, Vera tells Alfeh
that Fred has been talking to Audreh 'about his sausage', while
Jack tells Fred that the only record he would ever win would be
not for the world's largest sausage, but for the world's smallest.
Now I thought I was unsubtle, but is John Stevenson trying to
tell us something about 'size' here? Well of course he is. So
I'll add my twopennyworth while it's still fresh in my mind.
On the subject of size, I always think back to a line
in "The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie", one of my favourite
films. "Six inches," says Miss Brodie, "is more
than adequate; anything more than that is vulgar!" Ostensibly,
of course, Miss Brodie is describing the extent to which a window
should be left open, but we are all old enough to read between
lines.
As for the phrase "size isn't everything",
well that was obviously coined by an under-endowed man with a
grudge. Okay, so no-one could seriously claim that they actually
enjoy making out with a guy so large that he could double as a
tripod in his spare time, but on the other hand I've never known
anyone fall over themselves to sleep with a man simply on the
basis that he is rumoured to be hung like a squirrel. And I've
never seen a porno film in which the leading lady moans, "Oh,
give it to me, small boy!" Nor is there a market for cosmetic
'penis reduction' surgery, as far as I'm aware. And the chat-up
line "I've got a prick the size of a Twiglet" probably
wouldn't work, although I'd have to ask someone like Diego Maradona
about that one. (If you saw the picture of him in the shower that
was shown on 'Fantasy Football' you'll know *exactly* what I'm
talking about. It was incredible: I've seen more meat on a vegetarian's
toothpick).
Anyway, I guess it's not how much you've got, but what
you do with it. And I think I'll leave it at that, don't you?
Anyway, Curly stymies Fred's plan when he tells him
that the world's longest sausage - according to the Guiness Book
of Records - is about 30 miles long. Fred knows that he couldn't
possibly emulate that, so begins to rethink his plans. What about
the world's largest black pudding? (Someone in our household made
a joke about Linford Christie at this point, but knowing how litigious
he is, I shan't repeat it). Or the world's largest meat pie? Or
how about the world's largest hotpot? Well in the end none of
his ideas go down that well, and so he cuts his losses and drags
Audreh off for a meal. Vera has seen all of Fred's flirting with
Audreh and tells Martin Platt that he should warn his mother-in-law
to be on her guard. And as I said a few moments ago, when Alfeh
comes into the Rovers, Vera has a field day telling him that Fred
has been regaling Audreh with stories about his sausage. Alfeh,
of course, is not best pleased, but then no man likes to think
that his wife has other men's sausages on her mind.
The rest of the episode was disappointingly lacklustre,
I'm afraid. Spider invites Toyah to his party; she says she's
got other things planned for Friday night, but is secretly delighted
to have been asked. Embalmed Spice tells Spider that he should
ignore Toyah's orchestrations towards him, and that she simply
has a teenage crush; Spider says that it would be a shame to alienate
Toyah and risk her losing her ideals and her spirit. Oh, and Vera
overhears Alec and Rita talking about possible retirement - but
catches only the part where he says that he is tired of working
with two stooges like the Duckworths, and would much rather run
the place on his own. This convinces Vera - who listens behind
doors with even more aplomb than my mother - that Alec wants to
buy her and Jack out and install Big Red behind the bar of the
Rovers.
The final shot is of Big Red locking up the Kabin for
the night - but forgetting to take the key out of the lock before
she goes. Does this mean that a burglary is in the offing? I fear
so. It's called 'foreshadowing with a sledgehammer', I think.
And that's me done for another week.
Love and hugs,
CP
Friday 7 August
Hallo Little Budgies!
It's approximately quarter past eight on a Sunny Friday
evening and I'm sitting at my desk, cold(ish) beer by my side,
the stereo humming softly, all ready to step into the Almighty
Shoes of Sir Alan "Tinky Winky" My- left-cheek who
is currently preoccupied getting his purple baby-grow dry cleaned.
Bear with me here, folks, since while I may have done a Weekly
Update not so long ago this is my first Daily Update and, from
what I hear, it's not as easy to do as the Weekly One. Let's
find out shall we?
[Tonight's episode is sponsored by Cadbury's Astro's,
the confectionary product to boast the most alarming slogan I've
ever seen: "So delicious, they're doomed!" Doomed???
Who on Earth wants their chocolates to be "doomed"?
I certainly don't, so needless to say, I'll be staying well away
from Cadbury's Astro's...]
We open innocuously enough with Toyah jogging out of
the front door (in a jogging suit, no less) to chirpily greet
Leanne, who is up early to do the papers for Rita. They exchange
words about Spider's party, which has been planned for tonight,
en route to the Kabin and then, lo and behold, arrive to find
the place has been ransacked. There's mess all over the floor,
the cigarettes have been robbed and a weary-faced Leanne exclaims
the rather restrained "OHHH NO!"
Cut to Curly Watts in his dressing gown, who is practicing
his impression of Droopy The Dog in the mirror, by pulling his
face into a variety of interesting mutations, obviously still
feeling self-concious about the way he looks (I fail to see how
this face-pulling exercise will make him feel better in this respect...).
This ridiculously brief interlude is quickly followed by yet another
split-second scene of Leanne hammering on Rita's door and telling
an irate Alec Gilroy about the Kabin break-in. Stressed Alec is
as frantic as ever, dashing off, "Keystone Cops"-style,
into the store.
Meanwhile, in the cafe, a fully dressed Curly (that
was quick!) is ordering a bacon buttie from Toyah. Toyah tells
him, excitedly, about what happened at the Kabin and Curly 'tut
tuts' and feels sorry for Rita. RToyota obviously has other things
on her mind as she's quick to change the subject over to Spider's
Party and is more than a little obvious in intent, trying to weasel
it out of Curly that he still has a crush on Lorraine. He gets
all defensive and she tells him he's "too straight"
and needs to get a haircut, some new clothes and just generally
make himself more interesting. "Oh cheers", groans Curly,
"you really know how to start a person's day off don't you?"
Just as Curly leaves, the one and only Fred Elliot
makes a typically rowdy entrance, demanding a slice of currant
bread with "real butter and none of that chemical nonsense"
in the way that only Fred Elliot can. It turns out he's here to
meet RAlfeh, who is already seated at one of the tables. Alf seems
techy and Fred asks him what's bothering him. "I'll tell
you what's bothering me, Fred Elliot" he spits, "YOU
ARE. You and your involvement with my wife!" Fred looks suitably
taken off-guard, fearing that his lurid plans for "the Fragrant
Lady" may just have been rumbled.
Alec and Rita are standing in the ruins of the Kabin's
display, picking things up and waiting for the police to arrive.
Alec is adamant on calling the insurance company but Rita is quite
certain it's her fault for leaving the key in the front door.
She isn't 100% sure and Alec plays on this, obviously wanting
to squeeze as much money as possible from the insurance. She catches
on quick and expresses she's "not about to start lying for
the sake of some fags". Alec tries his best to change her
mind and in the end they reach a compromise. He will call the
insurance company but he makes a promise to Rita there will be
no "half-truths". (Oddly, "out and out lies"
are not ruled out...)
Back in the Cafe, Fred is trying (badly) to explain
himself to Alfeh regarding his plans for Audreh and the world's
longest sausage. (Updater's Note: If you've not read the Update
for Wednesday's Episode, I suggest you do so or else you could
be fooled into thinking I'm talking about something *very* rude
here...) Alf is having none of it and demands to know why Fred
took his wife out to dinner last night. Fred says in a very matter-of-fact
tone it was a "Simple working meal to evaluate the probable
advantages of such a project in advancing her Council Career."
Pah! As if! The Lecherous Liver-Merchant had only one thing on
his mind and as Alf points out in possibly the most blatant innuendo
I've ever seen on The Street: "YOU KEEP YOUR SAUSAGE TO YOURSELF!!"
The mind boggles...
Now we move over to another poor soul who's "unlucky
in love", Curly Watts again, this time creeping around Fringes
By Fiona looking for the Missing Muppet. She's not present and
Maxine asks if she can help. Curly says he supposes she can and
asks to be booked in for a lunch appointment, arousing Max's attention
when he points out he's after more than just a trim, a complete
overhaul in fact. She says she's got plenty of pictures he can
choose from and a delighted but nervous Curly says he looks forward
to seeing them at Lunchtime... Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Returning to the Kabin where Alec & Rita are still
wading through the wreckage, Alec discovers a whole pile of FINAL
NOTICE bills lying around on the floor. He sweeps them up and
hides them from the Big Red One as she informs him he's due over
at The Rover's for a meeting with the Duckworth's. At the Rover's
Vera, who has suddenly become the Queen of Paranoia, is rabbiting
away to Jack about how worried she is that Alec is plotting some
nefarious scheme with Rita to out the Duckies from the Rovers'
staff. Jack attempts to be the voice of reason, explaining that
they have a legal contract which states they own half the pub,
but Vera harps on about some far-fetced buying out nonsense. The
scriptwriters appear to be going nowhere fast with this one as
I'm falling asleep. Alec enters soon afterwards and in a boring,
stilted scene which really makes no use at all out of three great
actors, they fart around the "Is this partnership still solid?"
question. A confused Alec assures them it is as long as they stop
pulling him away from "important business" to answer
"stupid questions". Vera gets all snotty about Alec's
"important business" stating that "a cuppa tea
with Rita Sullivan is hardly important" before Alec drops
the bombshell about the recently done over Kabin. Vera looks highly
embarrassed. I was looking equally embarrassed at what a poorly
written and largely pointless scene this was.
END OF PART ONE
The ad-break is duller than usual, which is saying
something! As Frank Zappa once sang "Plastic People... You
gotta go-oh... Plastic People.. You gotta go-oh"... Does
*anyone* in real life look *anything* like these ad-people do?
If I ran into one of these people on the street, I'd be scared!
I'd think the Robots were taking over the Earth! So the less said
about the break the better, let's move swiftly along to...
PART TWO
An unusually flirty Maxine greets Curly with enthusiasm in the
Salon, anxious to go through his shopping bags. She expresses
delight in his choice of new clothes contained within the bags
and he moans that it cost him a fortune. She sits him down and
tells him she has an idea for the perfect haircut. As she fiddles
with his fringe in the style we've become accustomed to she *gasp*
notices he has *gasp* had his ear pierced! Twice in one ear, no
less! She says it's "really cool" but it looks tres
daft. Upon seeing a picture of the haircut she plans to give him,
Curly yelps concern that "it's a bit bold" (bold, not
bald... thank GOD!) but Maxine says it "makes a statement"
and as she wraps a sheet over Curly's body, he looks at his own
reflection, terrified, and gulps "Let's make a statement."
I don't want to go against the grain here, but I think Tracy Shaw
and Kevin Kennedy need to have more scenes together. She actually
seems to act a lot better around him, I've noticed, and in this
scene, pulled off a reasonable performance... Well, for a muppet,
anyway. ;))
David Copperfield has a disguised cameo role now as
a young man in a lumberjack shirt. As Alec escorts the said young
man out of the Kabin and thanks him for his help we then see that
the whole store has been restored to normal and there isn't so
much as a scratch on the wallpaper. What can I say? It must be
magic! He also, in an uncharacteristic act of generousity, gives
Leanne a tenner "for all her help" and sends her to
lunch. He then, awkwardly, approaches Rita (who's shoulder-pads
are reaching Dallas Proportions) and shows her the FINAL NOTICE
bills he picked up earlier. She is very briefly angered that he
read them but then berates herself for being so forgetful. He
comforts her and sends her off to bed, promising to sort them
all out, then come up and settle them with her after Leanne gets
back.
The Rover's: Mike Baldwin is chatting to Gruesome Greg
about "knicker parties" which is badly explained (before
the watershed, I guess, or maybe just poor writing) but appears
to be a kind of Ann Summers-esque concept, through which Baldwin
gets to send a representative or two out to someone's house to
model knickers... (Just to let you know... I'm not making this
up) Baldwin suggests that Liz McDonald is sent out to be the model
(!!) and in the only good line I've ever seen Greg deliver he
says, flabbergasted, "Don't you think she's a bit... cheap
looking? She might frighten your regular housewives off!"
(and to think they say the producers don't read RATUCS!!! LOL!)
Greg then offers an alternative in, yup you guessed it, Sally
Webster. Mike says she'll never do it, but Gruesome Greg winks:
"Leave it with me"...
Just then, Les Battersby makes a welcome return to
the cast as he enters the Rovers' and approaches the Knicker Party
Debating Society. Baldwin beats a hasty retreat and Les starts
yapping about Spider's party, wondering if Greg wants to gate-crash
it with him since "there's free nosh and there's bound to
be plenty of ale"! Greg says he has other plans and Les enquires
if that might be plans of a female nature. "Could be"
replies the woodentopped smarmy git.
A deadly dull exchange occurs now in Rita's flat between
her and Alec as he tells her about her bills and then offers her
a holiday. She doesn't feel up to being alone right now but Alec's
already booked her in for a nice break with Mavis Wilton in the
Lake District. Aww. Rita makes excuses but Alec has a plaster
for every sore. In the end she agrees to taking the trip and even
looks vaguely excited at the prospect.
...And now it's party time at Spider's house and some
awfully generic techno music (must be Lorraine's...) is playing
while young, brightly- clothed people bop around. Spider, who
now seems to be joined at the shoulder with his Siamese Twin,
Lorraine, stands chatting with Leanne and Nicky The Plank about
the Kabin break-in. Leanne, bottle of Metz (Metz, not Meths!!)
in hand, slurs something about CID coming to dust down the place.
Toyah is lurking around nursing a massive 2 litre bottle of Olde
English Cider and looking a tad worse for wear... Ut oh! I spy
with my little eye something beginning with T... TROUBLE!!! :)
The doorbell rings and Spider takes Toyah with him
to answer it, as she appears on the verge of starting a fight
with Lorraine and he warns her about the strength of that Cider.
As they talk, Whoopsie Boy (who is looking camper than ever with
extra-fluffy Timotei-enhanced blonde locks) minces past the both
of them and opens the door to the New-Look 1990's Essential Well-Hard
Crucial Remix of Curly Watts.
I must be well out of touch with fashion since, despite
everyone at the party (including Lorraine of all people!) saying
how swank Curly looks, I thought he looked like Moron Of The Month.
Bob Hope-style golfing trousers accompanied a garish orange shirt,
black leather jacket, bleach- blonde hair and tinted 80's glasses
(once again folks, I should stress, I'm *not* making this up..).
Toyah talks to Lorraine about how "fanciable" the new
Curly looks but, although Smiley Spice is clearly impressed by
him she says "I'd rather stick to Spider". Toyah seethes,
gulps some more cider down and a major confrontation seems inevitable...
Back at the Rovers' Paranoid Vera is *still* going
on and on at poor ol' Jack about losing the pub (Please writers,
put us out of our misery! If they're going to lose it, let them
lose it quick, leave out the conspiracy theories already!!!) this
time suspecting that Rita will retire from the Kabin and take
Alec with her, leaving Jack & Vera to find a new partner...
Or some such rubbish. In all honesty, this storyline is brushing
shoulders with the Greg/Sally one in the boredom stakes.
On the other side of the bar, The Gruesome One Himself
is chatting with the increasingly perverted Fred Elliot, who seems
to be drunk. He's asking Greg about his conquests with women and
wondering if the rumours are true that Greg has all the women
in the street wanting him, married or single. Woodentop gets worried,
thinking Fred knows about *whisper* the affair but then Fred launches
into a tirade about how messing with married women can cause a
man stress. Greg says "I wouldn't know" and then in
a wonderfully timed bit of irony ALF *and* SALLY enter the pub
at the same time!
The Portly Letch excuses himself, Alf seemingly vanishes
into thin air and Sally takes to the bar beside Big Chief Woodentop.
She orders "two cans of lager and two packets of cheese and
onion crisps" which is quite pathetic considering she could
have got these items far more convieniently and at half the price
down the local off-license. Of course, the fact that she doesn't
and she's in the Rovers' instead gives Greg a chance to smarm
her into this "knicker party" idea (do storylines get
much worse than this, I ask you???) saying it's a good excuse
for the two of them to be together three nights a week without
suspicion. However, quite what Greg's role in the "knicker
parties" is and why he is going to be there at all goes completely
without explanation. On the Scriptwriters' report card, I write
"Could Do Better"...
Back at the party and Curly is chatting up one of Spider's
blonde, female friends, "Lucy", who seems inexplicably
impressed as he recites a list of astronomical terminology. It
obviously goes over her head but she nods in awe, nonetheless,
as he waffles on about "the theory of gravitivity" and
what-not... He talks further bollocks, she batters her eyelids
and they reach a mutual conclusion that she would like to "see
his telescope". No don't worry, he means it literally and
offers to "set up his observatory" as long as she stays
put as doesn't talk to anyone else while he goes next door. As
he tries to beat a hasty retreat he is accosted by first, Spider
("Not now, Spider!"), secondly Toyah ("Not now,
Toyah!") and finally Les Battersby, who has gate-crashed
looking for booze and shares my opinion on how ridiculous Curly
looks in his new gear. As Curly leaves, Les makes a bee-line for
his new girl and "Lucy" seems quite impressed by the
Boozing Battersby... Obviously, this girl is *very* drunk.
Meanwhile at the Rovers', Greg and Sally smarm nauseatingly
to each other while harping on about this "knicker party"
business. I take time out to vomit, so can't give you any precise
detail, but when I arrive back Greg has planted the Seed Of Evil
in Sally's mind with regards to her, Kevin and the Garage. As
she leaves, he grins like a reject from "The Omen" auditions.
Back at the party, Les is wow'ing "Lucy"
with stories (which may or may not be true) of how he used to
be a roadie for the Beatles in Hamburg before he joined the fair.
Just then, Curly gets back and the testosterone levels in the
room reach boiling point! They argue with much vitriol about who
she's interested in and in the end come to the conclusion that
the only way to find out is to ask her. However, by the time they've
finished yelling at each other, she is settled in the corner with
a very camp looking gentleman in a dinky leather waistcoat. At
this point, Toyah walks over to them ("Not Now, Toyah!"
in unison) and ut oh... she's not feeling well... ut oh... *BLEEHHHHH*
All over Les, she gets rid of some of that excess cider. Whoopsie!
Spider tells an soaked and irate Les to take the poor
girl home while Curly and Lucy exchange words. Lucy tells Curly
she was only being nice because she could tell he was trying so
hard to fit in (OUCH!!!) and, in a diplomatic way, says she'd
still like to see his telescope. Curly retains a shred of pride,
says "I don't think so" and storms out.
Finally, over at the Webster's place, Kevin asks Sally
why she had been so long getting the lager and crisps in. She
lies and says she was talking to the girls at the pub and then
says awkwardly "I've had second thoughts about the garage"
(*Second* thoughts, Sally??? Don't you mean 20,000th thoughts??)
and drops the bomb on Kevin that she won't give him the money.
He looks gobsmacked... again. Cue credits.
All in all, a fairly pedestrian episode. I was expecting
a lot more from the party scenes for a start. The amount of alcohol
being consumed by the jealous Toyah signalled for a tearful,
highly emotive confrontation with that vapid cow Lorraine but
alas, all we got was an underplayed "sick scene". Tonight
was lacking in emotion altogether really. The Greg/Sally plot
reached all time lows with this absurd "knicker party"
nonsense, Rita's forgetfulness is becoming boringly predictable
and the paranoid excesesses of Vera Duckworth are about as interesting
as one of Ken Barlow's sweaters. Still, with Corrie I've learnt
that if you brave the dull episode here and there you will ultimately
be rewarded with something wonderful and unmissably fab within
a very short time and I'm quite prepared to make that sacrifice.
Anyway, RAnnie will be handling next week's Friday
Update since it takes Sir Alan a long time to properly dry-clean
a Purple Baby-Grow. Rest assured, it'll be a good one! :)
This Friday Update Was Sponsored By The Horatii (what
I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking).
Sunday 9 August
Well, here we are. It's 7.31pm on Sunday, 9th August
1998 and I am enjoying Warrington v St. Helens on Sky Sports.
I'm sure there's something else I should be doing though. Why
is the VCR recording?
[So, John Laird is sunning himself, etc. and it's
down to me to let you Corrie-lovers know what's happening in
Weatherfield.
I'm not sure exactly when I should post this, but
Monday's update has appeared on ratucs, so I guess now is as
good a time as any!
I've been watching CS on and off since 1960 - too
young to remember the first series (honest!) but I recall it
was in black & white... As a resident of Weatherfield (aka
Salford) I *had* to watch! And I still live there.
Well, enough of these ramblings, on with the show...
It's a very busy episode, so pay attention at the back]
On that VCR: Credits roll, the cat settles down, and
a supposedly hungover. Toyota stares into a coffee mug. Les appears,
moaning about what she did to his new shirt. "It'll wash
out". "Not the smell, it never does. It lingers, does
vomit". Janice recommends bicarb[onate] of soda as a hangover
cure. "Won't cure a broken heart", comments Les in his
best compassionate voice (i.e. shouting). He has a go at Toyah
who responds back by calling Les pathetic and telling him to stop
gatecrashing parties at his age. Janice knows why Les was there
- "looking for totty". He was only there to set the
poor girl an example, of course. "God help her then"
says Janice. And Les isn't hungover, he's got a headache - "must
have been drinking from a dirty glass" [thinks: must try
that one sometime].
Anyway, from trouble in the Battersby Household to
strife at the Webster's. Kevin can't understand why Sally has
changed her mind about the money. "It's difficult to say"
comments Sally. [I bet it is] She want's to put it somewhere safe,
like a building society. Not long there and it's over to Saturday
morning at the café, where Janice is explaining to Roy
that Toygirl will be late. Janice tells him to dock her pay -
"don't worry", says Roy, "the clock doesn't start
running until the pinny's on". Conveniently, Spider is there
with his chum Curly, so Janice can blame him for Toyah's condition.
Lots of links tonight, as Ida Clough walks through the door to
ask Hayley if she is coming in to work today. Hayley asks Ida
if she is better. Ida seems to have no other reason for being
there as she urges Hayley to get a move on. The café is
becoming as popular as the Rovers for people to pop in to without
buying anything. No way to run a business, if you ask me.
Meanwhile, in the Kabin, Ken Barlow is browsing through
"Only 16" magazine while Alec explains that Rita has
"gone away for a few days". Only 16 has very short publishing
schedules, as we are about to find out when Toyota conveniently
walks in. And there, on Page 22, is Letter of the Week! (posted
only last Monday). Worth £10 at that. At the factory, Mike
puts on a smug grin; Sally giggles in the background (ugh) and
Ida tells Mike that she's been flat on her back for a week. Sally
wants a quiet word with Mike - she's obviously planning the same
thing herself! Ida struggles to get back into the swing so Helpful
Hayley ("a little treasure") comes to the rescue.
Back at Roy's place, Janice's mood is brightened with
news of Toyota's windfall and over at the garage Nastily arrives
to hear bad news from Kevin. Nastily is not pleased.
Mike is handing out the pay packets. No bonus, though.
Then (at last) drama time Hayley can't understand why her tax
has not been sorted out [no time here to explain our Pay As You
Earn tax deduction system to non-Brits!]. Mike blames it on the
authorities, who claim Hayley is Harold! Mike can't understand.
Hayley develops a sudden attack of hay fever.
Ad break: Just time to see St Helens take the lead
16-12 before it's back to a worried factory. Hayley mops her tears
while Ida comforts her. I know the problem, says Ida, "I
was paying emergency tax for weeks". [Ha! She has no idea].
Lunchtime, and at the Rovers Ken talks to Vera about
Rita's unexpected vacation and Alec's unwanted management at the
Kabin; Mike has some good news for Greg - Sally has changed her
mind. Mike asks Greg to show her the ropes [hmmm bondage]. At
the caff Toyota gets compliments from Spider about her letter.
She apologises to Spider about the carpet. Hayley arrives at the
café for lunch, but is not hungry. Roy looks puzzled [oh
no, that's his normal expression]. Back at the Rovers Sally tells
Curly that Ida thinks he is really cute. Audreh wants to know
if Curly has any rings on any other part of his body than his
ears. Mike tells Sally that she and Greg will make a great team.
At the Battersby's, we discover that Only 16 not only has good
deadlines but a very efficient accounts department, as the £10
cheque arrives "second post". Still, it's moves the
conversation on from Janice having a go at Les about letting Toygirl
get drunk. And not only has Toyo won £10, but the offer
of a further £50 to write an article! Les now decides he
is a writer and offers to share the money. Toyota declines, less
than politely, and suggests "Our Sad Dad" as a title.
Over at the Rovers (again), Kevin tells Natalie that he can't
understand what's happening and Curly gets complimented by Maxine
(but won't go out on a date). It's enough to drive him to drink,
I'm sure. Nastily informs Kevin that Sally will have to pay for
her solicitor's time. Betty comforts Curly.
No time to pause for breath, It's all action today
- The Webster's are both back home from work. Kevin shouts at
Sally (what's new) as they argue, again, about the garage. The
kids don't get sent upstairs, as they are round at Gail's. Sally
thinks Nastily has a "flaming nerve" to want her to
pay the solicitor's fees but agrees, snarling (well, as best as
Sally can) "she'll never get her hands on my money".
Ah, quality at last? - Hayley pops round to the café
after work to find Roy clearing up. Gail has gone (to look after
everyone's kids, I suppose). Roy notices that Hayley is quiet
and asks if it is his fault. She reassures him. Roy says that
he would like to think they can be open and honest with one another.
Hayley responds by commenting that that was what she was attracted
to in the first place. "I don't think we are over the worst
yet" says Hayley. "I-I-I will be there. I'm a lot stronger
than people think" is Roy's response. "I won't let you
down". Roy holds Hayley's hand. Brilliant!
At home, Mike tells Alma that Hayley is a fella! Alma
panics. Mike laughs and tells her it's only a computer error.
Alma asks Mike if he has told anyone, because it's true! "Flipping
Ada!". Cue end credits.
Quickly back to Sky - Saints have scored again. 36-12
with 18 minutes to go. Not worth watching the rest - time for
an evening walk in what's left of today's sunshine.
Tonight's episode written by Phil Woods.
Everything in the programme (but not this update) is, of course,
the copyright of Granada Television Limited.
P.S. Phew, so that's what it's like to write an update.
Suddenly I'm filled with admiration for all those worthy souls
that do this week in, week out. Having said that, I have enjoyed
doing this - you definitely see the programme in a different light!
So, here's to next Sunday
Sandy
Monday 10 August
Evenin' All!
Phew! It seems the English Summertime has hit us good
and proper at long last (I say English not British since in Scotland
they're stuck in a time-warp it would appear!). As I sit melting
at the keyboard writing this it *has* to be in the mid-30's already
which is tropical temperatures for a Blizzard Beast like myself.
;) And yes, it's me again. I know I did the Friday Update for
Alan and now I'm doing the Monday Update for that big cuddly
teddy bear who is also known as Dewey. Apologies due to anyone
who finds my grammatically dubious style of writing to be irritating
but it's just the way the scheduling cookie crumbles! So without
further wibbling, here's....
The Rattler's Monday Update
We begin pretty much where Sunday's episode left off
with an exasperrated Alma trying to explain to a typically pig-headed
Baldwin exactly what Hayley's history is all about. Baldwin, ever
a pillar of understanding, intelligence and rationale (cough!)
is thoroughly unable to comprehend any of it and is still stuck
at the "Why are we calling a him a she?" hurdle! Mike
is not making progess at all and when Alma attempts to reason
with him, explaining how Hayley has been a woman all her life
where it counts, he states "In my head I've been a millionaire
all my life, but it hasn't made me one has it?"...
As Alma seethes with frustration, he is annoyed that
he's taken Hayley on at Underworld without knowing her past and
seems under the impression that his most recent employee is a
"fellow in a frock who uses the ladies". Alma spells
it out slowly and in big letters "No, you have taken on a
transexual" but Baldwin says, ignorantly, "But that's
what I said" before launching into a lengthy and foul tirade
about when he was growing up in South End "these sort of
people" were "in sideshows"!! As Alma (and a nation
of viewers no doubt!) grind their teeth in disgust, Mike implies
that he's going to fire her. Alma frantically tries to disuade
him, saying that Hayley is no threat to which Mike responds venomously
"She is... He is... not a threat... An embarrassment! Not
just to me... To everybody!" [Personally I'd be embarrassed
if I was as a barely evolved neanderthal oaf like Mike Baldwin,
but that's another story...] Alma looks furious as she explains
"if you do this, it will be the cruellest thing you ever
did" and eventually she gets him to compromise (!) by "thinking
about it"...
Take a deep breath and cut to a restrained, normal-looking
Curly coming out of the door into the rain. Obviously the aforementioned
British Summertime hasn't hit Weatherfield yet. Toyah accosts
him on the street and giggles "So you're not trendy all the
time then?"... Mr Watts is not impressed and explains that
since he is a supermarket manager he must dress accordingly. Toyah
giggles some more and continues down the street.
And now it's time for something completely different...
Or not. As per usual, Sally and Kevin are packing the girls into
the car. As per usual Kevin says "go wait in the car".
As per usual he and Sally start to argue. As per usual they go
through the "Forget about it" / "Fine!" lines
followed by (as per usual) the "You're trying to run my life,
blah blah, I'm under pressure, yadda yadda, Mum's money blah blah,
baked beans, yadda yadda" / "What's going on, Sal? Yadda
yadda, you're so indecisive, blah blah, Spaghetti Hoops, yadda
yadda" dialogue... zzzzz.... Is it just me that's getting
Deja Vu here? Is it just me that's getting Deja Vu here? Is it
ju... oh sod it, that joke's going nowhere.
Back outside on the street now as Hayley and Janice
are approaching Underworld. Sir Royston is outside, as ever, sandwich
in hand and Janice ribs Hayley about what a "good friend"
he is. Hayley tells Roy he will have to stop doing this or she'll
gain weight. Roy, of course, has made sure "it's all low-fat"!
What a star! :) Just then, Mike Baldwin shows up in his car. Hayley
greets him in a spritely way but he simply grunts back a deeply
unpleasant "Mornin'" before heading into the factory.
Hayley decides she'd best get going and gives Roy a peck on the
cheek. Aww. :)
Meanwhile in the Kabin, Toyah is leaning over the counter
whispering suspiciously to Ken about her schoolwork. Alec is pretending
to tidy up the magazines in the background but is obviously attempting
to listen in, wondering presumably what a 15 year old girl could
possibly have to say to an aging (not to mention (mostly) boring)
school-teacher. She's sick of writing everything out twice and
wants a computer. Unfortunately, Ken's broke down 2 years ago
(thank God, the poor bloke'd be shocked at some of the things
we write about him on the 'Net!) and he hasn't one to lend her.
Alec butts in at this stage and pompously informs Toyah that in
his day they didn't need computers. She rolls her eyes, quips
at him and storms out and at this stage he decides to metamorph
into a Facist Dictator... Err moreso than usual, I mean. He starts
bossing Ken about in a way that makes the usual Alec seem restrained
(!) telling him to wipe the shelves down and wash the windows.
Ken wonders why they don't get a window cleaner to do the latter
task but Fidel Gilroy sees this as being disrespectful and proceeds
to insult the poor guy about his "attitude", hinting
that this is why he has trouble keeping jobs! Ouch... Just when
I thought Alec was mellowing out with age (see: The Rita Storyline)
and they throw this at us!
In the garage, Natalie presents Kevin with a bill for
her solicitor's, to give to Schizo Sally. Good ol' Nat realises
there's something wrong with the Marriage From Hell and attempts
to comfort the Meatheaded Mechanic by telling him she's getting
no pleasure from this and gently putting her arm round him. Kevin
informs her that he too, is getting no pleasure at all out of
it... The plot thickens... *stifles yawn*
Gruesome Greg and Baldwin are in the latter's office,
wittering on about these stupid knicker parties, but are thankfully
interrupted by Alma, who wants a quick word with Mike. Woodentop
exits sharpish and the Baldwins begin to talk. Alma is feeling
"absolutely awful" as guilt runs through her for telling
him in the first place about Hayley's past. Mike, ignorant of
his wife's guilt, asks boarishly "Does Cropper know?"
Alma, with a priceless look in her eyes, says "Yes he knows
and he's being very helpful and supportive... AND KIND" which
prompts an incredulous enquiry from Mike as to whether Roy is
also a transexual! Alma begs and begs for Mike not to sack her
and not to tell anyone, but he is under the impression that by
not telling people he is somehow lying to them and "covering
up for her"! Alma says that, if it'll help, she'll tell Hayley
that Mike knows (A-ha, she's obviously figuring out how to appeal
to his faulty logic) and he agrees not to tell anyone else, stating
he "doesn't have time to be gossiping to that lot out there
anyway". Alma leaves the office, steps out into the factory
and nervously asks Hayley to come over to her flat for lunch...
Hayley is excited at the prospect.
In the Battersby Household, Toyah is hankering for
a computer from Les in a bit of a cliche'd "All me mates
have got one" type of scene. Les, however, who is obviously
an expert (and probably programs in COBOL when he gets some spare
time.. ahem) tells her that "all your mates will be in for
a right shock come the Year 2000 when all the computers in the
world will 'BLOW UP"!'... *teehee* Where did he get this
precious knowledge, you may ask? "From a bloke down the bookie's!"
So it *must* be for real. ;)) Janice enters, looking stressed,
and Les demands she makes lunch as quick as possible so he can
get a pint in before they close. "Mummmm, can I have a computer?"
pines Toyah but Janice seems about as receptive as Les to the
idea and wants Toyah to help with making the food. Toyah sulks.
It's lunch-time and Hayley is entering the Baldwin
Abode... Hayley is happy to be back there and waxes nostalgic
on how the last time she was there (for the dinner party) was
the first time she met Roy... Awww. Of course, this mood is soon
to change as a nearly tearful Alma admits she has a confession
to make. And made it is... Hayley stares at the ground in disbelief
and whispers the question... "So now everyone will know?"
END OF PART ONE
Sod the ad-break. It's naff and you know it! :)
PART TWO
We resume where we left off. Alma is pouring Hayley
a glass of orange juice and is still highly fretful and regretful
of what she's done. She tries to imply that Mike's "insensitive"
image is just a mask he puts on and there's a lot more to him
(there is?) and Hayley concedes that Alma wouldn't have married
him if there wasn't. Alma assures her that he won't tell anyone
but, as she herself has proved and as Hayley points out "These
things have a way of getting out". Alma is utterly devastated
but an equally upset but diplomatic Hayley tells her friend that
no matter what happens she'll never blame her for it. The question
on Alma's mind is why this "computer error" never came
up when Hayley was working at Firman's. Hayley explains that the
woman who did the wages had come up to her one day, said "they're
calling you Harold!" and had then laughed the whole thing
off as a joke.
As a contrast to the tense Hayley/Baldwin drama we
now are treated to an utterly priceless comedy scene between Ken
and Toyah (is it just me or is this the best storyline they've
given Ken in years?). She has written an essay and as Ken reads
it out aloud (correcting the grammatical errors ["There should
be a comma here"] as he goes) he starts sounding a mite worried.
I can't resist the temptation to reprint the whole wonderful gem,
so here is Toyah's essay:
"When I was a kid, grown-ups used to say 'Act
your age!'... Now I'm saying to them, 'Dress your age!' Keep your
thieving hands off our clothes, off our hairstyles and off our
fashions. Alright, we know that your's are boring.. All shirts
and suits and ties.. but that's no reason for stealing our's!
We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but
come on, oldies, wear your own boring grey clothes and leave the
good stuff where it belongs... with the teenagers!"
Ken stops at this point and Toyah assumes it's because
he hates her essay. He says it's not bad and that she has a point
of view and a right to express it but then goes on to awkwardly
ask... "Is this article an attack on me?" ROFL!!! I
nearly split my spleen laughing at that! It doesn't sound anywhere
near as funny in print but the way he said it was brilliant, trust
me. Ken seems relieved as Toyah explains the obvious, that it's
about Curly. Ken thinks it's "perfect for the magazine, just
what they've been looking for" in this case. I'm still giggling...
...Until the mood is completely contrasted in the next
scene. Hayley is exiting the ladies' loos at Underworld and, sadly,
Baldwin is standing nearby. She is shocked to see him standing
there, arms folded, staring evilly (and boy do I mean evil..).
She fights back an urge to say something... anything... and scaredly
hurries off. His stare is unbroken. Greg appears behind him and
quips "they spend half their time in the toilet don't they?"
and just out of earshot Mike mumbles "which one, though?",
refusing to break that stare... *shudder*
Cut to the Webster household at the dinner table. Kev
and Sal stare at clean plates and the Gurrrrls are nowhere in
sight which indicates it probably wasn't much of a dinner, as
ever. Kev hands her Natalie's solicitor's bill and moronically
offers to pay it himself. Sally says she doesn't mind paying,
which is precisely the reason why she's going back into work now.
"Eh?" grunts Meathead... Sally translates this to English
and explains she has to discuss some "new ideas" with
Greg and Mike. "GRUG???" shouts Kevin, in a voice loud
enough to make me jump off my chair, to which Sally assures him
it's not just Greg, Baldwin will be there too. (Ooh, you lying
cow. ;)) Then they degenerate into the all too familiar, standard
issue "yadda yadda, life of my own, blah blah, spaghetti
shapes" / "blah blah, you've got a family to run, yadda
yadda, beans on toast" arguments that we have heard time
and time again which, as ever, reach no conclusion... Zzzzz...
Is it just me that's getting dej... Nah, unlike the scriptwriters,
I try *not* to recycle my lines. ;P
Curly (who I'm getting sorely tempted to nickname Clueless
Curly at the moment...), wearing dreadfully baggy combat trousers,
a yellow top and a leather jacket indoors, answers the door to
a bouncy Toyah who eyes his clothing up and down. "Off with
the supermarket gear and on with the >>>motley<<<"
he says. *GUFFAW* And I thought *I* was uncool! She wants to borrow
his computer but Curly is understandably reluctant since it's
quite likely she's never even touched one before in her life (actually
he probably just doesn't want to run the risk of her finding his
alt.sex.fantasy.supermarket-manager archives ;)). She knows what
she's doing, however, and tells him how muuuuch younger he looks
in those new clothes. *ding* We have a winnner! He lets her in...
:)
Sally is crossing the road and encounters Natalie,
who I must say has been looking a *lot* younger in the last few
episodes. Sally is acting snotty and asks in a very patronising
manner if a cheque will be ok to pay the solicitor's bill. Natalie
can hold her own however and starts on Sally about her irrational
behaviour towards Kevin. Natalie remarks on how it seems Sally
hates her husband (you think??) but Spaghetti Sal insists her
marriage is not open to discussion. As she heads into the factory,
Natalie shouts to her "At this rate, you won't have a marriage
left to discuss!"
Meanwhile in the cafe, Roy is doing a stock check.
Hayley knocks on the door and he lets her in, telling her they
might be "Overdue a trip to the cash 'n carry", since
some items seem low. She offers to make coffee for both of them
and Roy asks how she is. She smiles and tells him to do his orders.
"We'll talk later"...
In the Rover's Curly orders a pint off of Natalie,
then remembers that Corrie seems to have got a new sponsorship
deal with Budweiser (anyone else notice how much Bud has been
drank lately??) and changes his order. As he swills his overpriced
fizzy piss, Baldwin starts asking him awkward questions about
Hayley's time at Firman's. Curly says she was "a great worker,
reliable, honest, err... great!" but Mike persists, asking
if there was anything "peculiar" about her. Curly gets
fed up of this line of interrogation pretty quickly and tells
him to ask Alma instead, since she could tell far more about Hayley
than he ever could. "She already has..." is the almost-too-predictable
response...
Over at Underworld, Gruesome Greg and Sally are pouring
wine and grinning in a bizarre manner that makes them look a few
beers short of a good party. They giggle like schoolgirls and
Sally talks to Greg in the same sloooow, sing-songy way you might
talk to a small child or animal. I think she would have got a
more realistic response, acting-wise, from either than from Stephen
Billington who is more stilted and monosyllabic than ever in this
scene. To cut a long story short they briefly discuss the abysmal
knicker parties, the garage and MONEY. Greg asks question after
question about her MONEY and is so darn blatant about it, you'd
think Sally was Deidre Rachid to fall for all this rubbish. "Where's
the money kept, exactly?" is an example question but Sally
casually reels off all this information like a robot before going
back to asking about the knicker parties! ARGH! *puke*
As those two smarm their way into oblivion, Kevin sits
at home in the dark watching TV. Rursie (or is it Surphie? I dunno,
it's the one that looks like Regan from "The Exorcist")
comes down the stairs and asks if mummy's out. Kevin says, mournfully,
she's out working but that even if she wasn't she'd be out...
"Anywhere but here"... then realises who he's talking
to and says that's just "daddy being silly". He changes
the subject to ask what she's been doing then takes her upstairs.
Honestly, it's scenes like this that prove how strong this storyline
*could* be if it was handled right. I actually felt pity for both
Kevin *AND* the girls in this low-key but emotional scene. What
a shame that the Greg/Sally or Sally/Kevin scenes are so contrived
and boring in comparison.
Roy and Hayley are sat in the cafe, drinking coffee.
Roy is explaining that he will try his best to get a sandwich
to her in the morning despite having to go to the cash n carry.
She tells him that he's "so nice" for doing that before
continuing (now might be a good time to break out the kleenex...*sniff*)
"in fact, you're so nice that I don't want to tell you this..
because you'll just worry about it... and I don't want you to
worry.... Mr Baldwin's found out about me being a transexual".
Obviously, Roy gets worried, very worried in fact and tells Hayley
about how he's seen Baldwin say some "very unkind things
about people once he's had a few drinks inside of him". Hayley
tries to placate him by telling him that Mike won't say anything
because he's made a promise to Alma but a clearly-on-the-verge-of-tears
Roy doesn't think she can rely on that.
Cut to a big fat red steak being cut up and, yup you
guessed it, shovelled into the mouth of one Mike Baldwin. "I
love a good steak" he says and somehow this doesn't surprise
me. He goes on to tell Alma he was talking to Curly in the pub
about Hayley. Alma's panic button goes off as she thinks he told
him everything but thankfully this isn't the case. He goes on
to say that employing Hayley was "made easy" (!) for
Curly because he didn't know she wasn't "all that she ...
should have been" (OUCH! Is it just me that finds the use
of "should" in that sentence to be so ...well, wrong??).
Baldwin's manners are as piggish as ever as he talks, mouth full,
about how "once you know about these things it, well, changes
things". Alma fails to see this but he goes on about how
he feels he's "pulling one over on his other workers"
before absurdly stating that "If they found out they could
probably sue me!" (!!!) As he piles another huge chunk of
meat into his gob he drops the bombshell that he's definately
going to sack her...
...and so ends the episode. All in all, an improvement
on the last week. We had drama, we had suspense, we had that
magic word, emotion, that was certainly lacking from Friday's
show. To cap it all off we had some Grade A comedy from Ken and
Toyah to boot and, well, I'm not complaining at all, this time...
Even if the Greg & Sally story is a steaming pile of pants
it's a small price to pay, considering what else is going on.
So, that's it from me... Dewey will be back next week and normal
schedules will be resumed! :)
The Rattler
Wednesday 12 August
This is my last late update - any delays after this
will be totally out of my hands. Blame my fellow updaters if
you wish - I always do! (And they never notice, either, because
they never read my updates. They've told me as much. "If
we wanted to read unbridled filth," they say, "we'd
buy the Sunday Sport." Ha ha! Whom are they trying to kind??
I know for a fact that at least two of the updaters actually
*write* for the Sunday Sport, while the other one occasionally
features in it. But that's their business).
While we're on the subject of updaters, let me be
among the first to say a fond farewell to Peter Dewhirst, the
Monday episode updater, who will be leaving for pastures new
in a few weeks' time. A new job beckons, and commitments in that
area are such that he will no longer be able to write updates.
He assures us that the door will be left open for a possible
come-back in the future, should work arrangements change. I'm
sure you'll join with me in thanking him for his updates and
wishing him every success in his new post.
However - and I know he won't mind my telling you
this - I know for a fact that Peter still regrets turning down
the offer of a three-year contract with the Bolshoi Ballet. (I
for one am glad he did, because commuting between Moscow and
Hitchin would definitely have put the kybosh on updating indefinitely).
But he tells me that he won't be hanging up his tutu for good:
in October he starts rehearsals as lead male dancer in the Hertfordshire
Ballet Company's adaptation of 'Steptoe and Son'. We all wish
him well, don't we?
Dewey's departure will of course leave a gaping hole
in the update roster, and stepping in to fill Dewey's gaping
hole on Monday nights will be none other than that very dear
friend of mine, the lovely Chris Lines, aka The Rattler. RATUCS's
resident Goth, and a direct descendant of Lord Byron, Chris spends
his days working with computers and his nights listening to strange,
discordant music while drinking absinthe and biting the heads
off small rodents. He wears nothing but black - in fact he could
wear black for England - and speaks fluent Finnish, for some
reason. He is also an expert on 'Dutch films', which he reviews
for an 'adult' magazine. (Never having seen a 'Dutch film' or
read an 'adult magazine', I have no idea what he means by this,
but I suppose I could hazard a guess. It probably doesn't involve
tulip propagation, anyway.) In fact, he has seen so many of these
films that he has managed to pick up quite a bit of Dutch on
the way. Naturally his vocabulary is somewhat limited: he'd probably
doesn't know enough to be able to buy a newspaper, but put him
in a gangbang situation and he'd be practically fluent.)
Incidentally, Chris is no stranger to the weird and
wonderful world of CS updating: he once stood in for Glenda Young
when she was holed up for a week in the Betty Ford clinic, and
he covered once for AlanM when the latter was having his Tinky
tattoo done. (I've no idea exactly where on Alan's body the tattoo
was done, but rumour has it that the Tinky figure in the tattoo
has a little message on its tummy: "Stroke me and watch
me double in height." Amazing what tattoo artists can do
these days, isn't it?) Furthermore, Chris will be doing the 19th
August update as a favour to me. Top man, Chris - I owe you one!
(And this time I promise to make sure the cold sores have disappeared
first!)
But enough of these madcap hellos and goodbyes to fellow
updaters! Here is the update:
The episode opens chez the Baldwins, where Mike, over
breakfast, is telling an aggrieved Alma that he is determined
to sack Hayley. This very morning in fact. Alma tries to intercede
for Hayley, but to no avail. Mike is a stubborn old bastard and
won't be moved.
Meanwhile, Roy is attempting a face-saving exercise
by suggesting to Hayley that she ring in sick, thus avoiding a
showdown with Baldwin. Hayley is having none of it, however, and
asks Roy whether he'd prefer her to have taken a job farther afield
- Amsterdam, perhaps? - so as to be permanently out of the firing
line. (Go Hayley! It definitely was a case of 'Bye bye, willy,
hello willpower' when you were in Amsterdam, wasn't it? I suppose
Hayley has what our American cousins would call "loads of
spunk" - a phrase which, for our British readers at least,
would be somewhat inopportune in Hayley's case. But we get the
point, don't we? The girl has balls! No? Okay, let's just say
she's very brave and leave it at that). Anyway, Hayley leaves
in a huff-ette, with Roy wishing he'd never opened his mouth.
In the Kabin, Toyah is appraising dictionaries under
the watchful eye of her mentor, Ken Barlow. (The 'Educating Toyota'
storyline continues apace and gets better and better. The pairing
of Toyah and Barlow was an inspired move, although I pray that
any thoughts of injecting Lolita-like undertones will never enter
the writers' minds). She's not sure which dictionary to buy. "I
know that size isn't everything," says Barlow, "but
with dictionaries it's different." Toyah thus chooses the
bigger of the two, observing that "More words means more
wordpower, right?" Ken then suggests that an even better
buy would be a thesaurus. Toyah has never heard of a thesaurus
- outisde of 'Jurassic Park' that is - and can hardly pronounce
it, but Ken 'Renaissance Man' Barlow puts her straight.
They are interrupted at this juncture by a flustered
Alec, hotfoot from delivering papers on behalf of a sick paperboy.
He cajoles Toyah into delivering the rest, while Ken looks on
in alarm, worried that Alec is involving himself far too deeply
in Rita's business.
Chez the Websters, Kevin and Sally are discussing finances.
(Nothing new there, then. And no Rursie and Surphie, either. They're
busy up in the bathroom, breaking in a new bar of Camay and dreaming
of spaghetti hoops) Now that Sally has denied Kevin her dead mother's
inheritance, he is planning to apply for a bank loan in order
to buy Natalie out. Sally is worried, because a bank loan means
that the house will have to be used as security. (Oh how this
whole storyline is beginning to bore me. Come on, Kevin, get real!
Grow your 'tache back, ditch the bitch, and revert to being the
cute gay icon we all knew and loved back in those halcyon days
of the Eighties. As Paul Baker once said, for many people Kevin's
moustache *was* the Eighties, and I would probably agree.)
At the cafe, Roy quizzes Curly about his new sartorial
image. Curly says that he has always been like this deep down,
but it's only recently that he's thought of doing anything about
expressing it. This sets the cogs whirring in the Cropper mind,
and prompts him to ask Curly another - this time rather more challenging
- question. "If you were *really* different on the inside,
how far would you go to change how you were on the outside?"
he asks, with an obvious - well, obvious to the audience - reference
to the change undergone by Hayley. Of course, Roy's question goes
straight over Curly's head.
Also at the cafe is Toyah, working on the first draft
of her magazine article. Her chosen topic is the awfulness of
young clothes on old bodies, and the appearance of Curly with
his new sartorial image provides her with an excellent true-life
example. ("What's another word for 'nerd'?" she asks
him devilishly). When she gets up to go, the paper slips from
her hand and wafts to the floor - straight into the hands of Natalie,
who has a quick look before handing it back to Toyah with a knowing
wink. "Is it good?" asks Curly, impervious to the fact
that it is all about men like him. "Let's just say that it's
true observation," says Natalie with a sly grin.
At Underworld, all is not well. Poor Hayley - not only
has she had the chop for real in Amsterdam, she now gets it metaphorically
from Mike Baldwin, who sacks her. He has to sack her, he says,
because if the other girls catch wind of the fact that Hayley
hasn't always been one of them but is now *one of them*, if you
get my drift, all hell will let loose. Hayley leaves his office
and breaks down while the other girls look on, totally gobsmacked.
Back at the Kabin, Alec, overstretching himself in
his effort to guard Rita's interests and win her affection, is
ruling the roost with his usual 'velvet fist in iron glove' approach.
Not content with bossing Ken around, he tries to foist on him
certain tricks of the retail trade. Alec has discovered that a
certain line of chewy mints is not selling, so he suggests that
every customer be persuaded to buy a pack. "If they want
mints, surely they'll ask for them?" observes Toyah. Ken
agrees. And so does Janice, who is the first customer upon whom
Alec tries out his new strategem. Of course she is having none
of it. "I've come in here for fags, not soft mints,"
she says. "Besides, I don't even like the things." Alec
rolls his eyes in exasperation, forgetting for a moment the old
adage "The customer is always right."
At the Rovers, the workers from Underworld are having
their lunchtime break. None of them can believe that a conscientious,
first rate worker like Hayley could have been sacked, and they
wonder whether she is the first in a long line of dismissals.
Janice moots the idea that Hayley's dismissal might have come
about as a result of a botched attempt by Mike to sexually harass
her. Hayley, for her part, tells Roy all about the sacking when
she meets him for lunch in the cafe. Halfway through their conversation,
Ida Clough walks in and makes no bones about the support that
Hayley can expect from her and the rest of the Underworld girls
should she decide to fight Baldwin's decision. When Ida has gone,
Roy tells Hayley that he doesn't think she should fight the decision
lest the whole truth about Hayley's background come out into the
open. Hayley, however, says that she thinks things are best out
in the public domain; she doesn't want to go through life nurturing
such a secret.
Curly, complete with new sartorial image, also makes
an appearance in the Rovers, where Natalie asks him exactly what
he thinks he's playing at with this 'new look'. Curly says that
he's simply expressing his real self. Natalie says that there
are some things which shouldn't be expressed so overtly. Later,
she and Curly have a heart-to-heart at his place. Natalie says
that she doesn't think this 'new look' is really Curly at all,
and that it's simply indicative of the emotional turmoil he is
in. Curly then tells her that he is indeed very low emotionally,
given that Raquel has asked for a divorce.
Alma pops into the cafe - and then probably wishes
she hasn't, because no sooner has she put a foot through the door
than Roy proceeds to tear her off a strip or two. Alma tries to
explain that she had never planned to tell Mike anything, and
that it all came out quite by accident. Roy, however, is incensed.
"Did you ever, just for one second," he shouts, "think
what all of this might do to Hayley?" . Later, Alma rips
into Mike for sacking Hayley, calling him a bigoted, ignorant
pig before flouncing off into the bedroom, hands fluttering round
her temples in true 'emoting' mode.
Back at the Kabin, Alec is stuffing the day's takings
into his pocket, thus giving Ken even more reason to suspect that
Rita's interests are the last thing on Alec's mind.
And finally, chez the Websters, Sally is serving up
yet another of her gastronomic delights: sausages and mash. (If
I were Kevin, I'd have thrown the lot all over her and demanded
she buy a copy of Delia Smith forthwith, but knowing how partial
he is to sausage, maybe not). Sally tells Kevin that she doesn't
mind about the bank loan any more, and that she has a new enterprise
on the horizon herself: knicker parties. Kevin is not best pleased
and, unaware of her real motives, tells her that they simply don't
need the extra income. END OF EPISODE
Well that's your lot! Sorry it was a bit on the shortish
side this time, but I wanted to get it out as quickly as possible.
There have been too many update delays of late, but once this
goes online the backlog should clear.
Incidentally you won't be seeing me again for a while.
(Okay, cheer if you must, but make the most of it because I'll
be back on September 9th). Next week's Wednesday Update (19th
August) will come from the very able quill of Chris Lines. That
will be followed on the 26th by a guest update penned by a RATUCS
newcomer, Ms Rosalind Mitchell. (Rosalind's take on CS updating
promises to be an upmarket one, for she is heavily into 'lit
crit'. So instead of the usual spiel about male appendages and
the calorific value of seminal fluid, expect lots of highbrow
stuff about metonymy, Petrarchan conceits, periphrasis and the
semiotic significance of Rita Sullivan's ear-rings. Rosalind
is clearly a Very Educated Lady, so take a leaf out of Toyah's
book and make sure you have a very big dictionary at your disposal
when you read her update.) Ros's magnum opus will be followed
on September 2nd by Paul Baker's 'comeback' update, which I assure
you will be well worth the wait.
I'm spoiling you all, I know, by giving you all these
lovely guest updaters. But then with me it's just give, give,
give! Sometimes I think I'm too generous for my own good. What
a change it would make to be on the receiving end of something
really nice every once in a while! Ah well, a boy can live in
hope...
Until we meet again, love and hugs, CP
Friday 14 August
Annie's Friday Update
Hi everyone!!
Yes, I got drunk at the York Ping and volunteered
to do this update for Alan while he's away on holiday. Those
of you who saw my last stand-in updates will know what to expect.
Unmitigated piffle!
Well I try, anyway........
The Ping was fantastic, and although many people would
laugh at the idea of 20 people getting together in a room above
a pub in York, rather than seeing the city itself, it would be
their loss! (We DID walk past the Minster!) A GREAT day, and
a great weekend it was. Although my digital camera was fun, Dewey,
I think, has the best "official" shots of all of us
(after determining that one of his lenses was kaput). Lovely
to meet the folk I've met before, and of course the new people.
Our little post-Ping walk through Durham on a brilliantly sunny
Sunday just rounded the whole thing off perfectly!
Blackpool looks like shaping up to be a real event,
and this time, I'm dragging my sister kicking and screaming along
with me! Like me, she only really got into Corrie at the beginning
of the year, but unlike me, she misses the odd episode. What
can you do???
I can also confirm that I have now officially stopped
watching EastEnders. Well, OK, I see the odd episode if it's
on, but I'm afraid my heart is now the property of a different
drama serial altogether. Better late than never I guess.
So what's been happening in Corrie then?? Oh well,
the usual; near-death experiences, political intrigue, extra-marital
affairs, red anoraks at dawn etc. etc. The cider is chilled,
the heart is racing.................
So onward to the update.............
We open at Kev and Sal's, the morning after their little
tiff about Sally's intention to move into underwear sales. Although
it's high summer, the atmosphere around Sal is positively icy.
She's not much caring about the importance of Kev's bank loan
applications, as she bundles them up to clear the table for brekkie.
Kev walks in and is horrified. Sal really doesn't give a damn.
He tells her she'll have to get used to all the targets and deadlines
if she's going to be selling Mike's knickers. (ooh er.... No,
I'm no good at that...). Kev quizzes her if she gets to use his
car, or gets a mobile phone, which of course she isn't.....What's
the attraction of this poxy job? Not the money! Sally does one
of her little facial asides which are SOOOOOO obvious they beggar
belief!
Meanwhile, at Chez Baldwin, the air temperature is
not much warmer. Alma wonders if Hayley is enjoying HER breakfast,
but doubts it very much! Mike is exasperated (and talking with
his mouth full again), because HE feels hard done by. (You RAT!!)
The unrest at the factory is growing at his decision to sack Hayley.
Alma wonders if they're sticking little pins in wax effigies of
Mike yet! She thinks it would all be SO much easier if Mike just
gave Hayley her job back, and he'd have a fan for life. Through
another mouthful of food, he says "If I wanted a fan for
life, I'd buy a puppy!" (He'd probably kick THAT as well!......PRAT!.....
can you see a pattern within my commentary emerging in tonight's
update?)
At Roy's Rolls, RToyah is buttering up the bread and
proof-reading her new article at the same time, to Roy's annoyance.
He moves her paperwork off the counter top and tells her to wash
her hands! (Good man, Roy....Health & Safety love this guy...).
Toyah offers to print a copy of the article for Roy, but he'd
rather see it in print. She says it's likely to be in the next
copy but one in a few weeks."Ah!" Roy then tells Toyah
he's off on holiday then, so she takes a pound from him to reserve
a copy! Apparently he's off to a Psychic Convention in Bournemouth
and then off to his Auntie Lorna in Eastleigh. Toyah asks him
to keep his ears open for any juicy stories, but Roy doesn't think
there'll be much intrigue down there. Toyah isn't bothered anyway,
she's going to start a little closer to home... "Your Hayley"
she says! Roy is a little nervous about that and doesn't think
it's a good idea. Toyah's all fired up and says it's unfair because
she was good at her job. Roy tries to dissuade her, but she won't
be moved. She's a little surprised at Roy's seemingly unsupportive
behaviour, and says she thought Roy was a mate of hers, and Mike
is a bully (that's one word, yes....). Roy seems to be thinking
a bit, but still impresses on Toyah that it's not a good idea
because Hayley wouldn't like it. "She's a very private person",
he says, repeating Hayley's own words of a few weeks past. But
behind those expressive eyes, Roy's brain is ticking quietly.
Blandford pulls up at Underworld in a flash new car
(looked like a Mondeo to me.......tres flash :/) as Maxine is
coming out of the Kabin. She instantly goes into flirt mode at
exactly the same time as we go into sleep mode (connection?).
She's impressed by the new car, and tells Greg she hasn't seen
enough of him recently. She then tells him in that appalling fluttery
way that she's pining for him. "... pining like.... A pine-cone!!"
(BLEAGH!.... Pass the bucket!). Possibly the worst dialogue ever?
But so in keeping with the character it must be said. This woman
is no longer a Muppet. She has progressed to Spitting Image! Greg
tells her he'll see her that night, but of course we know that
he really doesn't give a damn.
Pan down to black and white camouflage trousers and
you know it's the Curly Creation. He's caught before entering
the Rovers by Toyota charging round from Rosamund Street to return
his laptop, very grateful for the loan of it, but not saying what
dastardly character assassinations she's been performing!
After looking around, Vera, in the Rovers, has found
Mavis's phone number in the Lakes, and gives it to Ken. He's going
to call Rita because Alec is driving him round the twist! (Too
late m'lad). He tells Vera he's getting too involved in the Kabin's
business. As Ken leaves Vera tells Natalie what she's been told,
to her evident relief. Alec must be after the Kabin, not Rita
after the Rovers!
Natalie serves Curly at the bar and he apologies profusely
for being so frank about Raquel, and burdening her with his troubles.
Natalie, still wearing her halo, smiles sympathetically. In booth
number one, Maxine is sitting with Audrey telling her how happy
she is that she's seeing Greg that night. Curly approaches them
and asks if can join them. Twizzle... er... Maxine tells Curly
he's a bad advert for her handiwork; a sore point with Curly.
He sits down and dumps his laptop on the table. There then follows
a conversation about how great laptops are and especially with
modems! Fully expecting a ratucs reference, I was disappointed
to discover that it's primary use was, apparently, to type reports
and find out the price of any Firmans' product from anywhere in
the world! (Oh Curly!!...). Audrey isn't impressed.....
Back at t'factory, after lunch, the unrest grows. The
machinists have gathered outside the Underworld office, where
Greg is hard at it. (No, Sally's standing with the girls...).
They're trying to get the courage up to go in and ask him why
Hayley was sacked. Glad of the opportunity, Sally dashes in and
grins weedily at Greg. She asks him if Mike is going to be in
that afternoon, which Greg confirms. Cue another dull conversation
about sneaky love affairs. She's arranged to be with Greg that
night, and lied to Kev again. Greg's options are once more covered,
and he realises that Maxine once again gets the short straw. He
tells her to meet him at the flat for their first dinner together.
Sally would rather it was their first breakfast....(gag,gag,gag....)
Just then Mike comes in and is immediately chastised
by the workers! He tells them he sacked Hayley because he wasn't
happy with her progress and that's the end of it! But Ida and
Co. aren't standing for that. What happened to proper procedure?
He really doesn't give a damn, until Ida threatens to ballot the
staff for possible strike action! Mike retorts that they're making
a big mistake and they'll end up with egg on their face. "If
it happened to Hayley, it could happen to any of us", says
Ida. "No it couldn't!", says Mike, thinking something
else entirely!
Roy approaches Natalie in the bar looking for some
"Dutch Courage" (Now, Roy, dear, you had plenty of that
in Amsterdam....).He goes for a small, sweet sherry!
In booth number one, Audrey is still proclaiming her
ignorance of technology, but on seeing Roy decides to escape Curly's
attempts at turning her techno. She grabs a reluctant Roy and
pulls him over, allowing Maxine to escape also. Ahh dear...Audrey
and Maxine.... 12 brain cells between the two of them. Roy sits
down beside Curly and tells him how Toyah's "hidden depths"
has opened his eyes a little to things. He downs the sherry in
one. Roy has a mission! "She's driven me to do what a man's
got to do" he says, as he pauses by the door; "....in
a minute" he says, and heads towards the gents! Left alone,
Curly notices that Toyah has forgotten to wipe her article off
his laptop, and starts to read. It's less than flattering, and
Curly ain't happy. Meanwhile, Alec comes in and Vera chastises
him for being so irritating to Ken. Alec is indignant.
Now picture the scene; Underworld, mid afternoon, a
lone figure enters the swing doors and his eyes go from left to
right. All that's missing is the theme to "The Good, the
Bad and the Ugly", but since Hayley, Samantha and Les's Camper
Van (in that order) aren't about, we'll have to use our imaginations!
Roy enters the factory and heads towards the office. Purposefully,
he opens the door without knocking and tells Mike he wants a word.
Mike being Mike, (You SOD!.. the pattern continues...), he tells
him he's busy. Roy sits down and tells him he'll wait.
Mike gives up and listens as Roy tries to explain how
he too was shocked and hurtful, but pleaded Hayley's case. The
machinists are watching through the glass, unable to hear the
conversation, so Janice shouts "For God's sake, just smack
him one!"... (YAYY JANICE!!! (ahem....))... He begs Mike
to give Hayley her job back. He's having none of it and makes
really nasty accusations about Hayley having lied to the other
workers, which of course she hasn't. Mike simply cannot get his
head around the fact that Hayley is HAYLEY, not her past. All
he cares about is the factory running smoothly, and the grief
he's getting is getting on his nerves. He'd have got less grief
if he'd left well alone and just grown up a bit. He gives Roy
a message to give to Hayley. He's to tell Hayley to tell the other
girls to back off, or he'll tell them all EXACTLY why he sacked
her! She has till Monday to decide. Roy realises that things have
just got ever so slightly worse, and leaves without a word.
End of Part One
Aren't you glad!..... Bloomin' eck, she's a wordy
one, that Annie! Never say in two words what can be said in five!
Tastelessly, we are treated to an advert for the News
of the World during this break; a paper which makes it's living
showing exactly the same kind of ignorance and bigotry as Mike
(dead-meat) Baldwin has shown us this week, and ruining lives
in similar ways. Nuff said.
Part Two
In the Kabin, Ken is on the phone to Mavis, whilst Greg comes
in. Maxine is already there, and Greg takes the opportunity to
pour cold water on her prospective night of passion; he's working
late again! She is predictably upset and storms out. Greg leaves
also. Alec enters to find Ken on the phone and accuses Ken of
making personal calls. Ken explains he was trying to reach Rita.
He's furious, and fed up to the back teeth of Alec interfering
and doing the "little Hitler act".
The Rovers; evening; and the factory girls meet for
a drink and an impromptu action meeting. As Janice gets the drinks
in, Natalie warns her that Toyah has been writing nasty things
about Curly's sartorial elegance. She goes to sit with Ida and
they talk about the possible strike ballot. They drink a toast
to "Baldwin's bottle!... Or lack of it!"... (Frankly,
I wish they'd toast his... no, no... sorry.. ahem...). Sally realises
the time and nips off for her tryst with Greg. Janice, however,
has the idea of talking to Greg herself to try and gain support.
Uh oh! At the same time???
Roy has turned up expectedly at Hayley's house. She
is, of course, delighted to see him. He thinks he should cancel
his holiday, because she might need his support. He tells her
about the visit to Underworld that afternoon, and how he felt
he needed to do something on her behalf ;"As your significant
other", he says... (AWWWWWWW!). Hayley thinks this is the
most romantic thing she's ever heard and grins from ear to ear!
Roy is not so sure, however, that it was the best idea, and he
could have made things worse. Hayley can't see how they could
be. Roy disagrees, ruefully.
Back at that very factory, Mike is locking up, watched
by an approaching Maxine. She can't understand why, since Greg
is supposed to be working late! She's about to shout to Mike,
but Audrey stops her and, queen of tact that she is, tells her
that Greg's just using her, and totally unreliable. Maxine deep
down knows it's true, and runs away crying.
Above the shop, Greg and Sal are entwined in a game
of tonsil hockey. They come up for air, and Sally tells him she's
fed up with this silly strike, and the girls wouldn't give Hayley
the time of day before she was sacked. Utter crap of course, Janice
and Ida actually do care. You know, I disliked Sally before, but
now, she's TOAST! Greg goes to the fridge to crack the bubbly
and finds only two cans of beer. He's not even a GOOD gigolo.
I mean not having a supply of Dom Perignon on tap will not win
him Brownie points. Dope! Sally offers to nip across for som