Episode updates - September 1998

Wednesday 2 September

Dear Update Readers,

The Wednesday update this week comes to you courtesy of none other than Paul Baker, former updater extraordinaire, who is currently in rehab for acute amyl nitrate abuse, but wishes to say hello to all his former fans via a stand-in update. Enjoy!

Yes! The bitch is back, and as they say, it's almost as if she's never been away! The glamour tiara has been dusted off, I've sharpened my claws - so hold tight for an hour long Coronation Street special which is a tribute to those low-budget British 60s horror flicks entitled "Scream Pretty Toyah!" (Let's be kind and ignore the fact that she's not *that* pretty). At least Joan Crawford gets to appear briefly as Roy Cropper

Curly/Robo-Ann

Ann is cutting out and sticking letters into her sneaky blackmail/kidnap letter, in a story-line that was probably last employed in a particularly bad episode of Charlie's Angels (were there *ever* any good ones?) As she was doing this on Monday night as well we must assume that she's not very good at it. Just as well she's not still at school or else she'd be in the remedial class by now.

Still (still!) wearing those rubber gloves, Ann freakishly walks down the high-street, as if she's auditioning for a part in one of John Waters' films. She pops the envelope (also marked with cut-out letters from Curly's stolen book) into a letter-box. The envelope is addressed to Curly. Ann smiles twistedly - an expression that she will repeat several times during this episode.

Back at Firmans or Betterbuys or whatever it's called (that places changes its name more times than Windscale), Curly tells Ann that he has changed his mind and would love to come round for dinner with her and her invented boyfriend Simon. As another ratucs reader has noted - invented personalities seem to be the order of the day at the moment. Let's hope that Simon doesn't claim to be an ex-make-up assistant of ITV too! Alma was in this storyline somewhere I think - but she was obviously sulking. "The last time they had an hour-long special it was me in a taxi in the ship canal with nutty Don Brennan," she's thinking. "Now I'm little more than wallpaper while Toyah Battersby gets to be me in the sequel. It should have been me! Me! ME!"

Kevin/Sally/Greg

It's Kevin's birthday- and in true Hammer film style, this is going to be one that he won't forget in a hurry. Lock away the sharp knives Sally if you know what's good for you! The day starts sweetly enough (which should be a warning in itself). Sally has arranged for Surphie and Rur-erh-sie to go over Gails' while Kevin and her have a night in some glitzty restaurant (probably Little Chef). Kevin is "made-up" (an old Liverpool saying which means "happy"). But little does he know that Sally is still intending to go behind his back with the Foul One: Greg.

Lots of dull predictable scenes follow - Kevin is waiting at home with those Children of the Damned, while Sally eats Greg's face at the factory. "Where's mommy?" asks the eldest one (Rur-erh-sie?) who is suddenly given proper lines. Kevin is too numb to reply, so he goes looking for mummy and catches Greg with his knickers round his ankles so to speak (I hope children aren't reading this). In shock, Kevin marches home and lets the children eat sweets for their tea, while his little fists scrunch up the sleeves of his birthday jacket (what an old drama queen - but wait! There's worse to come.)

When Sally returns back to her "nest", she is horrified to find that Kev' has dourrrble-locked the front door. Peeking through the letter-box (she's so small she could probably fit through it!) she squeaks "Kevin! Let me in!" Kevin opens the door and throws a bag that he has packed for her - along with the jacket. The door slams! Sally is dumb-founded, and Greg rushes across to lead her away. "My children, my children!" Sally moans. Greg looks pained. So do we. There now Kevin - how do *you* like being a "woman scorned"?

Duckworths/Alec/Rita

Rita's talking on the phone to Mavis (yeah, right!), who is trying to talk her out of marrying Alec. "I know he's a rotten worm Mavis, but I love him," Rita says. Alec enters the Kabin and overhears. His anger is nothing when he finds out that Mavis is to be head bridesmaid. Now we know they can't be getting married - they can't exhume Mavis.can they?

The Duckworths, after much deliberation decide to accept Alec's offer of letting him buy them out, while they can remain at the Rover's Return. Alec is intending to con them horribly in some way, and gloats about it to Rita, who is not impressed. She is further annoyed at his constant cost-cutting of their wedding, so suggests that they just cancel the whole thing. Alec looks stunned. But who cares when Toyah Battersby's at the mercy of a mad-man with dangerous-looking side-burns? Who wants to see R Toyah all tied up with clothes-line? Hands up now! The hour-long special is just beginning!

The Battersbys

When we last left Toyah she was getting to know her "real" father. They exchange memories, in a scene so touching that I was left gasping for an insulin injection. "All I remember about you was being on a swing at the park when I wor two, and you were pushing me and kept saying 'Who's my little Princess?' and I kept saying 'Me, Daddy! Me!" There is a lot of fore-shadowing going on here, and here's a bit more as Toyah explains why she ran away: "I was having tuition from an older man, but my parents thought something was going on between us." Toyah's new Daddy nods sympathetically, as he stares at the back of her neck. "Don't worry, you can stay here as long as you like. We can get to know each other VERY WELL."

Meanwhile, Janice and Les are playing Sherlock Holmes. Neither of them are known for their high IQ, so how they're going to solve this mystery is beyond me. Still, I predicted that they wouldn't even be able to find their way to London and they managed that. Les asks a ticket inspector at the tube station how to find Ronnie's street - the ticket inspector says "get a map". Les isn't going to (the expense!) but Janice makes him. I am liking Janice more and more - there is a lot of proto-feminism in this storyline - the men are either deviants or useless, while the woman are facilitators and heroines.

The hapless pair turn up at Ronnie's house - and then here's the twist - it's a different house from the one Toyah went to! With a different Ronnie! Oh.

It turns out that Toyah must have read on old letter of Ronnie's from before he moved house two years ago, and so she turned up at the old address - so who is the strange man pretending to be her father?

We don't know yet. But he's stroking the back of Toyah's neck and leering. Shirley Tremanye was right. There *is* something funny about him.

Meanwhile, Janice and Les, are at the real Ronnie's house - Ronnie has a hard-faced but surprisingly nice wife called Pauline who invites them in and says they haven't seen Toyah, but they will help them to look for her. There isn't room for them to stay (well, would you want the Battersbys breaking wind and God knows what else in your spare room?) so Les and Janice go to a nearby bed and breakfast. The next morning, while talking with Ronnie, Janice realises that Toyah might have gone to his old house. Les and Janice race over.

"Daddy" has just finished getting Toyah to have a bath (!), and when the doorbell rings he is all too happy to go along with Toyah's request that he lie and say that he hasn't seen her. By co-incidence, some men are drilling nearby so Toyah can't hear the full conversation (so she doesn't realise that Janice doesn't know this man.) However, at the end of the conversation she does hear Les and Janice introducing themselves. How odd. Oh well, never mind.

With Les and Janice gone, Daddy starts to get a bit touchy-feely again. Toyah suddenly puts two and two together - "you're not my Dad." Daddy dearest looks shifty and advances. "No, but we can have some fun together. I know you like older men."

Janice and Les, having a pint by a backdrop of London are going over the "clues" (it's just like Scooby Doo - it really is!) Janice wants to go back to the house to leave a note for Toyah in case she shows up with the strange man. She thinks he is a bit odd, but Les likes him (no surprise there - they're practically twins).

Meanwhile, Toyah has started screaming for help out of an open window. Daddy doesn't like this so the next time we see the pair of them, Toyah is all trussed up and gagged like the B-Movie Queen she is. See kids - this is what happens when you run away to London. Just give school another 5 years and get a job in a factory at the end of it. When Les and Janice call back, Daddy takes the note, but says he is going out. He also gives them a false name. Meanwhile, Toyah is only yards away - squirming in fear. Oh! It's just like a real horror film. I shall have nightmares tonight Mam.

Back at Ronnie's and Pauline's, Ronnie tells our detectives that he was in prison with the owner of his old house. Janice is shocked, especially as it transpires that "Daddy" was "in" for GBH and is a "right nutter" AND gave them a false name. Janice wants to pay a third visit to the house, in case Toyah turns up there (or ALREADY is there - think Janice, think!). But when they arrive, there is nobody home. Peering through the windows (one of the funniest Battersby scenes in this episode) Janice spots a hairbrush that "looks like our Toyah's". Someone, sign that woman up for MENSA!

Les stops a stranger on the street and shows them a photo of Toyah. The stranger isn't interested and walks away. Why are southerners always portrayed as grasping and uncaring in northern drama? Janice and Les have no more clues left. This never happened on Captain Caveman! By now the teen-angels would have solved the whole thing!

Meanwhile, Toyah is being driven into the country, where Daddy is going to take her to the park *one* *more* *time*. "You'll like it.. It's where someone took me when I was small." Someone at ITV's been doing a GCSE in social studies I'd guess from this "chain of abuse" plot twist. At a wooded part of London (does such a thing *exist*?) Daddy marches Toyah into the thick of things. Suddenly, a dog barks, scaring him momentarily and Toyah sees this as a chance to run away. The dog's owners - two very obvious-looking actors appear. The man says "I heard a woman screaming," but as this is London and people don't care unless their mobile phones are involved they lose interest and walk away.

Toyah's running through the woods and wishing that she tried harder in P.E. Where are all the gay men having anonymous sex I'd like to know? My media-injected views of London are being challenged! After literally minutes of Toyah running and Daddy chasing her, they both pause to pant a bit (Toyah is hiding behind a tree.) Then the shows ends - on her face - all red and puffy in close-up. Call this an hour-special? Where are the cars diving into canals? Where are the canals filling up with black-eye shadow make-up (a cheap stab at Alma here, but as the audience were expecting a bit of gore I thought I'd provide it.)

Glamour Award

Psycho-glam: Yes it's Ann. With that hair scraped back off her face ala early Lousie Woodward (before she settled for a nice hair-band) and pair of manic bug-eyes, our Ann really knows how to wear Psycho Chic. Those rubber gloves complete the ensemble and are oddly sexual.

Paul Baker

Friday 4 September

Hiya folks!!!! Another Sunday is here and here I am again, just putting the finishing touches to this little (!) update..

During the week, on the RATUCS newsgroup someone mentioned the differences in humour between Americans and Brits. This happened as I was arranging for some Goon Show humour to be shipped over to one of my friends in Canada, to introduce her to the joys of the wonderful Spike Milligan. It got me thinking about the humour I have enjoyed over the years.

I guess, in the UK, there was always a pretty strong music-hall tradition, which influenced comedy over here. Then came the Goons, a pretty anarchic lot, who paved the way for a new genre of humour, influencing amongst others, the Monty Python team. All of this lot, though, were pretty British in their outlook and as a kid growing up in the 50s and 60s, the only North American humour I came across was from the likes of Bob Newhart and Woody Allen. They went down well over here, but what else there was around, was and is a mystery to me. Certainly, I found it difficult to get my head around the American comedy TV programmes and, with a few notable exceptions, I guess this remains the case to this day.

It got me thinking about Coronation Street and its popularity in various parts of the world and I wondered whether Canadian humour was actually closer to British or American humour, or whether it is some amalgam. No doubt, someone will inform me of the facts.

Over the years, though, as Americanisation has swept the globe, the influence of America has certainly increased and there is a fair amount of American material which is universally appreciated nowadays, in a way which wouldn't have happened just a few years ago.

Music has always been a pretty universal currency and I can remember in the 60s, staying up in the night to try to catch American and Canadian radio stations on medium wave, after the European ones had shut down, at around 2 a.m. Over 30 years on, I can still vividly remember listening to WKBW Buffalo, New York on 1520 kHz. I also used to listen to Wolfman Jack, who was syndicated on the American Forces Network, who had a powerful transmitter in Germany. Tamla Motown was just hitting big as a record label in 1964 and it was so thrilling to hear the sounds of the new music, which at that stage had yet to reach British shores. The excitement of fast moving Top 40 radio remains to this day.

What has this got to do with Coronation Street? Not a lot directly, I guess. but.. for a number of weeks, when I have been on the #coro_street channel on IRC, I have talked to Jacqueline in Newmarket, Ontario about an oldies program she listens to on Saturday night and I'd try to guess the titles and artists from the first line of the song. Well this week, things took a step forward when one of her friends Lori, discovered that this station, CHFI, broadcasts on the World-wide Web (the location is http://www.cybertv.to/chfi/index.html). Before long, half a dozen of us were tuned into this station through the web, enjoying the hits of yesteryear and it made me realise what a small world it was - there was Jac listening to the radio on 98 MHz FM and the rest of us, out of normal signal range, hearing the same station, albeit subject to a signal delay of around 15 seconds. Actually, it was just as if we were at the same party, even though we were separated by a few thousand miles. A small world and getting smaller, day by day. Incidentally do join us on the channel, if you can, Saturdays, from 6 p.m. Eastern time, tuning your browser into the URL quoted above - if 60s/70s music is your thing, then a good time will be had!!!

I suppose the overall link with Coronation Street is that, although this is set in a fictitious part of Northern England and the background is very Northern, nevertheless there are aspects of the programme which cover pretty universal situations, to which people can relate, irrespective of where they live. And on that note, without further ado, it's time for the update..

Sunday 6 September

Gosh, September's here already. This means we've had the last Bank Holiday of the year and it's now the long stretch to Christmas with the nights drawing in and no prospect of any days off to unwind. I think it's high time they relocated one of the May holidays to October or November, after all there's two in May, which seems a bit greedy, and some years the first one is only about 2 weeks after Easter. Or we could rub up a bit closer to our friends over the Channel - in France, most of April is public holidays of one sort or another. And they do really clever things such as scheduling one on a Tuesday or a Thursday, so everyone just tacks on another day off and has a 4-day weekend. Oh yes, our continental cousins have a lot to teach us.

But not on the entertainment front. No matter how bad things get over here, what with the pressures on the BBC, and the expected 200 channels of Rupert Murdoch-vision, I doubt if we will *ever* sink as low as the mind-numbing dross that most of Europe have to watch. As if further proof was required, do they get Coronation Street ? The defence rests... On the other hand (and you can never have enough hands in a debate), it is possible to tune into, say, just for the sake of it, French cable TV, late at night, perhaps in your hotel room, after a bit of a heavy session at the bar, just for something to watch while your eyelids grow heavier and you drift off into the land of Nod, and find yourself watching, well, "educational" programming. That's educational as in "I've always wondered what sort of films they show in those seedy Soho basements full of shifty-looking men who don't seem to be able to sit entirely still", educational. And that would be doing the film-makers a disservice. The, erm, most educational film I watched one evening won shedloads of awards. It was *eye-opening*. So, vive la EC. Send us your decent wine, your public holidays, your cheap cars, and your erotica.

Titillated, Tunbridge Wells.

Act 1
Sally is looking wistfully out of Greg's window. He asks if she was trying to spot the girls, but they'd been taken out [to some child-minder's ?] by Kevin some while earlier. No, Sally's thoughts are about Maxine. She's realised that El Muppetto is still labouring under the delusion that *she* is Greg's girl-friend. Greg is completely nonplussed. He says that Maxine means nothing to him, and as far as he is concerned he doesn't care if Kevin breaks the bad news to her. Sally is a bit shocked, and persuades him that he at least owes it to Maxine to tell her in person. It'll clear the air.

Outside, a taxi draws up outside the Battersby's - Toyah is home. Janice offers to make her a slap-up breakfast, but Toyah isn't hungry. She looks tired, but glad to be back. Her arrival is seen by Vera, Rita, and Alec, who are standing outside the Kabin. Leanne emerges, and asks Rita if it is alright if she has a bit of time off to see Toyah. Rita tells her to take as long as she likes. Alec tells Rita she is getting soft in her old age, but she points out that Toyah is only 16, and has spent several days on her own in London. "Aye, and I bet London came off worst !", is Alec's response. Rita tells Vera that Alec isn't getting any mellower, but Vera claims to have seen a new side to him of late. "I hear you drove a hard bargain", says Rita, referring to the price Alec is paying to take full ownership of the Rovers. "I hope you've got something in writing !" Alec tries to laugh this off, saying they have a gentlemen's agreement, but Vera has caught on and decides they should get it properly sorted. Alec looks worried.

Sally drops into the garage, and offers to collect the girls that afternoon. Kevin tells her that she can see Rowsie and Surphie when *he* says so, and only for an hour at a time. Sally is angry, but Kevin stands his ground, pointing out that she abandoned them, not him. She tells him to enjoy their company, as she's going to see a solicitor, who will "sort out" her custody.

Over to Hair by Fiona, where, in front of a gobsmacked Audreh and Fi, Greg dumps Maxine. Horribly. She presumes he must be seeing someone else, and is shocked to be told it's Sally Webster. "How can you do this to me ?", sobs Maxine. "Sorry, it's just one of those things", says Greg, with no feeling whatsoever. [I know it wasn't very nice, but throughout this scene I kept getting a mental picture from "Ally McBeal", of Maxine going in the dumpster ! Actually, Maxine was very good in this scene. Perhaps it's something that Tracy Shaw can relate to, in real life. Ooh, I can be a bitch at times...]

Hardly any more cheer over at the Battersby's, where Toyah, as she said, wasn't hungry. Janice offers to cook up some really special vegetarian dish for lunch. [It sounds less than appealing to me !] Toyah asks her Mum not to fuss so much, she's not going to run away again. Janice decides to go to work, to give Toyah a bit of time to herself. She boots Les out too, and tells him to walk around the park or something. [Amazing - it's his day off, *again* !] "Alright kid ?", says Les on his way out. "Yeah", says Toyah in reply. After the door closes, she starts to cry. [And the entire male viewing population fails to notice, their eyes glued to Leanne's ever- shortening skirts. Oh, that's another Ally McBeal thing, isn't it ? And apologies to those who haven't got a clue what I'm on about.]

Audreh and Fiona are comforting Maxine. Correction, Fiona is comforting Maxine, and Audreh is wondering about Sally's poor kids. [Audrey, you will recall, is a model parent...] Fiona thinks that Maxine should just forget him. "I can't ! I love him !". But Greg has just used her - he's not worth it. Maxine thinks he is, but then resolves to go and have it out with Sally. Off she goes. The blue touch-paper is lit...

Far, far away [although I know not how far, but it must be worth driving to] Curly is sat in his office, looking at another anonymous blackmail letter. Same style as the first one, demanding fifty thousand pounds, or some produce in the shop will be poisoned. Anne points out that he really must follow the company guidelines this time. He still wonders if it is just a hoax, but agrees to call the police.

Toyah is telling Leanne how she wanted to come straight home after she was found in the woods, but the police wouldn't let her go until they'd asked her over and over about what had happened to her, had she been attacked, or hurt. She concludes they must have thought she was stupid. Then she realises that she went all the way to London to meet her real father, who hadn't seen her since she was two, and expected him to put his arms around her and tell her he still loved her. "I'm not safe to be let out - I couldn't even ask that couple in the woods to help me". [And she forgot all that kick-boxing training she used to do, Dewey reminded us all.] Leanne asks if she actually got to meet her real, real father. Apparently, Les and Janice had dragged him to the police station after she was found, but he had simply said "hello". Leanne looks on the bright side, and points out that even though she [Toyah] had had a blazing row with Les, he had still gone all the way to London and had walked the streets searching for her. "You wanted a real Dad - well, you've got one already !", she concludes.

It's showdown at the Underworld Corral, as Maxine marches in and says her piece to Sally. Sally tries to suggest that this isn't the best place, but Maxine is hurt that Greg dumped her in front of her workmates, and she'll quite happily tell all Sally's coworkers at the factory what's been going. Sally tries to leave, but Maxine holds her back. "Where are you going - the pokey lovenest above the corner shop ? Didn't your last bit on the side live there too ?". [Yeow !!] Greg appears, and tries to eject Maxine, but she pushes him away roughly. She'll walk herself out, thank you very much. Greg looks round at everyone else in the factory, and announces that "the show's over". They all look stunned. [So was I - more good stuff from Maxine. She must have had lots of practice. And I didn't spot Hayley - I thought she *did* go back to work at the factory after all ?]

Intermission
Yes, I know I'd resolved to give these up, but perhaps someone call tell me exactly why we had to see Richard Branson standing naked, holding a copy of the Sun in front of his dangly bits, promising to tell us all this week how he lost his virginity ? [Terrible pun, but I think it was literally that.]

Act 2
Greg has a quiet word with Sally, and tells her it could have been worse. Sally voices what we probably all thought, which was "How ?". "Well, Mike could have been here !". She says she has work to get on with, and can she just be left alone ? He returns to his office, and Janice leans over to ask if everything that Maxine said was true. "I don't know what you see in him - it'll never work. He'll not want your kiddies. I nearly lost my daughter, you should look after yours !".

Les has returned from his walk, and finds Toyah on her own. She looks a lot better. She takes a deep breath and apologises to him for everything, losing the computer, running away, looking for her real Dad. Les, bless him, isn't really sure what to do, but Toyah puts her arms around him, and he hugs her back. They agree they both behaved in a daft fashion about the Ken Barlow business, and Les says he "will make it right, you'll see." [A nicely played scene.]

Our first visit to the Rovers, where Jack is asking a reluctant Alec where their contract might be. Alec replies that he'll jot a few ideas down soon. He makes his excuses and leaves. Greg arrives, and orders a large whisky, but then spots Kevin already at the bar, and changes his mind. "Don't leave on my account", says Kevin, "it's thirsty work, playing around with my wife !" Jack tells the pair of them to calm down. Kevin accuses Greg of only being interested in Sally's money. Greg replies that Sally is wasted on Kevin. Kevin responds by throwing the remains of his pint of beer over Greg. As fisticuffs loom, Jack separates the pair of them. Kevin leaves. Jack asks Greg if he doesn't want that whisky, after all.

In Curly's office, two policemen are tearing a strip off poor Norman, while Anne, sounding as if she was supporting him by trusting to his judgement, leaves them in little doubt that in her view his judgement was crap. Curly says "sorry". Several times. The police are taking the threat to public health very seriously.

In the Kabin, Toyah is telling Rita that everyone's been very kind. Rita tells her they'll soon be back to normal - "fighting, bawling, calling each other names !". They laugh. Les turns round as the door opens, and Ken walks in. "Here's the man I've been looking for !", he exclaims. Before Ken can duck, Les has apologised for his total misreading of the situation over Toyah's lessons, and has offered his hand ! Ken shakes it. He says that it should have been all out in the open, and that was his fault. No, it was Les' fault for making Toyah scared to tell him. No, it was Toyah's fault for not telling him anyway. "As long as it wasn't my fault !", adds Rita. Everyone agrees that Toyah and Ken should resume their private tuition, and the Battersbys leave. "Who was that strange alien that looked like Les ?", wonders Ken. [Or something like that...] Alec comes through from the back, and Martin [who has been in the shop all the while] tells him he will have to get used to this sort of thing in future. Rita replies that they're not getting married after all, they're just moving in together. Martin raises an eyebrow. [I think he was stood at the magazines while this scene was playing, staring at that copy of "Loaded" with the look-alike brunettes with the wind-blown hair and the skimpy bikinis and the pouts and the faint sheen of body oil. Phew, it took a few rewinds to make a note of all *that*, I can tell you.]

Another long-lost soul, Jim Macdonald, so it is, is in the Rovers enjoying a pint with Michael, his occupational therapist. Suddenly, Jim feels a twinge in one leg. [And Liz is nowhere in sight !] Michael tries to stop Jim getting too excited, it can happen, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything major. "Take it easy, and see if it happens again", he advises. [I bring this to you as it was brought to us - a big hint that something *will* happen. Stay tuned.]

Over at the salon, we find Steve and Fiona and Morgan. Steve is asking if Morgan has been doing what babies are always doing, crying all the time. He thinks Fiona should take a break, let her Mum look after him for a while. They could go out and enjoy themselves. Fiona sees it in a different light - "dump him, you mean ?". No way. Steve says they could have a night out. No, says Fiona. Why not ? "I'd rather be with my baby...". "Fine, suit yourself !", says Steve. [Obviously, the scriptwriters trying to make up for the pretty terrible way that Zoe palmed Shannon off on anyone she could find, determined that she should still enjoy her life any way she chose. Mrs L and I reminisced about our first evening away from our first-born, he was about six weeks old and we left him with the out-laws and went to see something very cultural like "Top Gun". Mrs L tells me that each time she thought of the baby that night, her boobs leaked ! There's something you don't pick up in the ante-natal classes...]

Chez Webster, Martin has come over to see Kevin. Kevin doesn't particularly want any advice - he's packed her bags and thrown her out and changed the locks. Sally can see the girls when he chooses. Martin points out that Sally is their mother - she has rights. "I've rights too", says Kevin, "and so have the girls. They need someone who cares for them."

Rita is telling Alec that she's not comfortable with people thinking they're living together. "After all, you're hardly Leonardo DiCaprio, and I'm not Kate Winslet !", she points out. [Just for those of us who might have been confused.] "Good !", says Alec, "he went down with the ship as I recall." "What are we going to do, then ?", wonders Rita. Alec has had a brainwave. "We'll knock a hole in that wall, and put a door in !", he decides. [Alec and Rita have adjacent flats above the shop.]

We finish as we started this week, at Greg's flat. Sally is angry at the way Kevin put one over on Greg, and tells him he should've thrown something back at the little twerp. Greg says this would've been sinking to Kevin's level. "If I'd have got hold of him, I'd have flattened him !", he brags. [Oh yes, come on if you think you're hard enough !! Ho ho ho.] Anyway, Sally says it's *her* that Kevin's angry with. Greg tells her that Kevin said a few things that he'd rather not have heard, how he was only interested in her Mum's money. Sally tells him to ignore this. But Greg points out that they are starting a business, and he *does* need her money at the moment. Sally takes umbrage, and decides that Kevin's not going to tell her what she should do. She's going to make this decision herself, and give Greg the startup funds there and then. How much ? "Err, twelve and a half grand ?", says Greg. Sally writes a cheque on the spot, and hands it over. Greg purses his lips as he looks at the moolah. [The swine !]

This episode was written by Catherine Hayes.

More good stuff tonight. Great to see a more pleasant side to Les as everything is sorted out between him and Ken and Toyah. I'm still a bit confused with Alec, though, as we continue to wonder what's happening both at the Rovers, and with Rita. The future doesn't look too rosy for Curly or Steve, either, as they wrestle with unpredictable females. (Who's that at the back who said something about "predictable females" ? Wash your mouth out.)

If they could just keep Sally and Kevin and Greg out of one of these much- improved episodes, I'd have no hesitation in awarding a sound 4 stars these days. But it's half a mark off, I'm afraid:

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

See you next week, John Laird

Monday 7 September

"Hi, I'm The Rattler... You may remember me from such updates as 10/08/98 or 19/08/98..." But enough of the Simpsons jokes, this is a Coronation St forum. ;)

So it would appear I'm the new Monday Updater, stepping into the almighty (not to mention highly popular) shoes of long-time Monday Correspondant Dewey. I'm still a bit nervous around the edges about the whole thing and anxious to get this, my first regular update, out on time, so bearing all that in mind, I'll skip the prologue, settle down with a cool can of Stella and start swiftly on Monday's episode. Hope you enjoy it! [Insert standard issue apologetic disclaimer here.]

The scene is set in the flat above the cornershop where Gruesome Greg is showing a side to us we've never seen before. Yes, on top of sporting a rather distasteful brown-and-red-striped dressing gown, he is actually doing the ironing, while Sally sits on his couch, holding her head and remarking on how it aches. He offers a paracetamol but Sally declines and tells him she doesn't want to go into work today because she's sick of all the "nudging and whispering" going on behind her back. Continuing along these lines, she laments on how if they don't know her business, they know Kev's business and if not that they know someone else who knows and to cut a long story short, she's sick of the tight web of gossip that surrounds Coronation St (She's only just noticed???) and she wants out. Blandford begins smarming putridly in the way only Blandford can and assures her that to make sure Mike doesn't find out about their little business plan they have to (imagine this in a patronising sing-song voice for maximum effect) "act normal... and normal means going into work". To add insult to injury he finishes off with "Besides, they're only jealous!" Someone get this boy to a doctor, he's clearly delusional.

Just as he oozes "Sal, don't worry, we're yesterday's news" there's a wonderfully timed cut to the Battersby household where, just to prove the Gruesome one wrong, Les and Janice are gossiping about the Cringeful Couple with great awe. Janice is disapproving of Greg and ponders whether or not "He's told Sally Webster to dump them kiddies". Les, clearly back to his old tricks after showing a rare & touching sensitive side on Sunday, remarks "If he's got any sense he has!". Toyah, who throughout this brief conversation has been on the 'phone in the background, bounces towards them and tells them she's been on the blower to "RKirstie" (who is of course, the elusive Battersby cousin who I believe was mentioned a few weeks back?). Apparently, RKirstie was planning to take a bunch of girls on holiday to Spain but one of them errr... went into labour all of sudden, apparently without even having known she was pregnant. *scratches head* Janice is as confused as me with this statement and wonders aloud how anyone could *not* know they were pregnant until the last minute. Toyah dismisses the comment and excitedly puts forth the idea that she takes the pregnant girls' place (err, on the holiday, not in the delivery room). Les, of course, asks how much it'll cost. It *was* £300+ but apparently this girl is so desperate to be rid of her ticket she'll take £150. The cost seems a bit out of the Battersby Price Range (TM) but Janice is more concerned with the school-time that Toyah would miss should she take the holiday. Toyah says she doesn't really want to go back just yet since "all her mates" will be talking about her running away to London and she's not sure she can face that. Janice says "You're making a mountain out of a molehill, sweetheart. London were days ago. They'll have found something else to talk about... People do" and in a marvellous 'full circle' to the start of the scene, Toyah retorts... "Wot? Like you have with Greg and Sally Webster?"... Heh, heh and indeed heh.

Over at ye olde Kabin, Leanne is yawning over the cash register and is shopped by The Big Red One. "Am I keeping you up?" asks Big Red, sarcastically. Leanne apologises and explains that she isn't used to such early mornings before asking Rita how she's always so smiley at this hour. Rita explains that she sprinkles speed on her cornflakes instead of sugar every morning. No she doesn't actually, just checking you were awake at the back there. Just as they're philosophising over the Early Morning Blues along comes RToyah...

Rita: (To Toyah, tiredly) "We've got Early-Morning-Itis. Come on, tell us a joke."

Toyah: (To Leanne, swiftly, ignoring Rita's question) "Can you lend us hundred quid?"

(Long Pause)

Rita: (To Toyah, confusedly) "Is there a punchline?"

I don't know if it was just the mercilessly deadpan delivery or what but that one had me rolling. As I'm recovering from my ridiculous state, Toyah is recounting the whole Cousin Kirstie story to Leanne, with much gusto. Rita asks her about her schooling and Toyah tuts "You sound like me mam" before adding "I don't know what's worse. Her going on about me chucking my education away or Les going on about Greg chucking his life away" which is greeted by a confused silence. Rita and Leanne are clearly out of the gossip loop on this one. "He's taken up with Sally Webster!" explains Toyah as if it's obvious, "She's dumped the kids and Kevin and moved in with your Greg!". Rita is aghast and in heels the size of Paris, she [clickity-clackity-clickity-clackity] hurries out of the room.

Coincidentally, who should be passing by the front door but Sally Webster? [clickity-clackity-clickity-clackity] Big Red In Heels wobbles across to her and gasps "Is it true?" only to be greeted by a sullen nod. Rita tries to talk sense to the (k)Nutty Knicker-Maker (hey this alliteration lark isn't as easy as looks, ok???) but is fobbed off by lines from "The Bumper Book Of Cliche'd Excuses" such as "I know how it must look from the outside" and the old favourite "There was nothing I could do!"... The crap continues about how she's "found someone she loves" and "wants to start again" but when Rita attempts to make the poor lass see logic by informing her she can't have even known Greg for more than a couple of months, Sal reverts back to the aforementioned book and cries "I've known him long enough!!!" in a typically melodramatic fashion.

Over t'road, we are 'treated' to the return of Steve "Googly Eyes" MacDonald, who looks deader than ever having seemingly enlisted the help of George A. Romero to do his make-up. He is informing Mopey Maxine (who is visibly still gutted about Gruesome Greg) that he's taking Muppet 1 out for a meal and wants Max to hold the fort at t'Salon. Steve tries to cheer her up and hintingly suggests, with a Devilish smile that he's sure she won't be single for too much longer. Max lifts her eyebrows half- suspiciously with that "I'm on the rebound so I don't care if you look like a week-old cadaver" look in her eye.

In the backroom of the Rovers, Vera presents Jack with a list of "conditions" to give to Alec regarding the sale of the pub. Jack informs her that it's "more of a novel" than a list before V launches into one of her typically paranoid waffles about Alec. "Whatever you're on... halve the dose!" states Jack, bluntly, and I can't help but nod in agreement. As Jack reads through the list, he becomes increasingly certain that Alec will tell them to "get stuffed", especially on the matter of the "Cloning Allowance" (LOL!!!) which V corrects him is actually the "Clothing Allowance". Either way, the concept is ludicrous and eventually Jack makes her realise this before she, thankfully, tears the list up.

Back in The Kabin, Rita takes Martin into the back room. No, not for a snog (although with the present rate of bed-swapping in The Street, it wouldn't surprise me!) but for a chat about Sally and Greg. In the meantime, Janice has walked in, humbly and ashamedly asking Leanne for a favour. "Can you lend us a few quid... just until pay day?" she begins but Leanne twigs and tells her what she apparently already told Toyah. It would appear that all four members of the Battersby Clan are flat broke which means it looks like RToyota won't be off to Sunny Spain after all... Poor lass. "If you haven't got the cash, she can't go, simple as that" reasons Leanne but Janice who looks genuinely very upset, says she'd love for Toyah to go on holiday since it might "bring her out of her shell". Lee thinks this is just an excuse and that Janice is only "caving in" because she's worried Toyah'll run away again, but Janice whimpers... "I only want her to be happy" with such genuine care/concern and heartbreaking pathos that I was almost ready to give her the hundred quid meself!

In the back room we catch Martin and The Big Red One, tongues-a-wagging (No! I already told you it's not like that!). They're gossiping away merrily about Sally and Greg, Rita commenting on how, when she spoke to Sal this morning was almost talking to a different person, "she was so hard-nosed". Martin agrees that Blandford has really "turned her head" before frustratedly adding... "Trouble is... what can we do about it?" Theoretically speaking, they could hang, draw and quarter Blandford *and* Sally, leaving their heads on spikes at either end of Coronation St, but I suppose, this being a family show and all, such acts of gratuitous ultraviolence would be out of the question. [Disclaimer: I wouldn't recommend you try *any* of the above practices at home.]

'Speak of the Devil and someone far more slimier and disgusting will appear'. Yes, you thought Blandford was vile?? Meet Richard Taylor, Blandford's ghoulish solicitor. Yeeeeuch! Slimy just isn't the word... Greg, who is currently modelling a lime green number not too disimilar from that of, say, Kermit The Frog, explains to Sally the plans he has for the business... Now, I'm sorry to say it, but Sally is so RELENTLESSLY stupid she deserves all she'll inevitably get. As Rancid Richard runs through the rigmorole he notes that she put forth all the initial cost for the business... Yet before he can say anything else she butts in with, "Yes! but Greg provided the expertise and the contacts! Surely that must account for something!" as if she actually *wants* to ensure maximum advantage is taken of her! The scene gets sillier from there with Sally acting like the Airhead From Hell as The Rancid One and The Gruesome One exchange sleazy glances behind her back, obviously up to something. The deal itself sounds fair, with the expected 50/50 set-up but the looks on their faces suggests it's anything but... My suspicions are raised even further when at the end of the scene, Richard winks "You're a lucky boy, Greg.. I'll give you that."

Cut now to, hands down, the most ludicrous scene in the episode. Fiona and Steve are sat at a riverside restaurant. Initially they seem happy as Larry but then, as the scene progresses, Steve starts to irritate Fiona (not to mention the viewer) more and more... First he suggests that she doesn't need to work so much in the salon and should spend more time acting "like a daft kid", then brings up the small matter of Alan McKenna and how it's lucky he's not still around. Fiona insists that McKenna will come looking for Morgan, his first son, in the future which touches a bit of a nerve with Googly Eyes. "I'm Morgan's Father!" he shouts ludicrously before requesting that she agrees with him...

END OF PART ONE

Soft focus camera-work. Posh people in expensive frocks. Horse riding being viewed from an elegant balcony. Champagne smiles. Boundless joy as the Ambassador's Daughter wins the horse race! Err... not exactly *quite* what you associate with C&Aclothing is it?

Far more to my tastes is the next advert for Onken Biopot Yoghurt which simply takes a clip from a classy-looking 50's B-Movie and adds a shamelessly tacky voiceover. Yeah!!! (Hmm.. maybe it's true what they say.. TV *does* rot your mind...)

Anyway, back to the show now before I lose *all* my braincells...

PART TWO

God, and I thought the adverts were absurd... Back we are now, to Fiona and Steve sitting by the river bitching at each other like it was going out of fashion. Muppet 1 accuses him of not really caring for Morgan at all and treating him like a "fashion accessory... you know, the car, the mobile phone, the baby"... He throws himself into a truly vicious and unwarranted tirade, basically informing her that she's "not so special" herself (how sweet!) and that she's selfish and always wants her own wa... *SMACK* she throws a serviette at him and storms off, leaving everyone in the restaurant to gawp wide-eyed at Steve... BEHOLD!!! The Talking Cadaver!!

Back at Blandford's place, Richard is telling Sally that courts usually look more favourably on Mothers than Fathers in such cases as her's. She claims that her and Greg could offer the kids a "proper home" (Yes! With a sink!!! And baked beans!!! And spaghetti hoops!!! And a goooood looong flight of stairs!!! *EVIL WITCH CACKLE*). In the background, Greg stifles giggles and swaps looks with Richard who says, in true solicitor fashion, "Leave it all with me". Is it just me that can see the obvious stitch-up here? Sally can't, she's falling for it hook, line and (kitchen)sinker, suggesting they rush out to the estate agents and look for a bigger place. URRRRRGH! Am I the only one that finds the "New Sally" (ie: Brainless, vapid, cow who is singularly without a clue) to be fist- clenchingly annoying??

Back in the Salon, Max is seeing off a woman with two hyperactive kids who has obviously just finished getting her fringe fiddled with. Googly Eyes enters and demands to know "WHERE IS SHE?" Max, oblivious to a) the fact he's talking about Fiona and b) there are children in the room rants "I dunno, she's bogged off to some council meeting, the stupid cow!!" before waving pleasantly to the kids and saying "See you next week, then?" Not with language like that you won't, young lady!!! ;))) Steve explains he meant Fiona not Audreh before telling Max the whole story, indignant that he ended up "looking like a right berk" ("So what's new?" cries a Nation of Viewers, predictably). He concludes that Muppet 1 must be at her mother's and shows no concern when a frantic Max shows him the full list of customers for the afternoon, screaming and shouting that she can't do them all her own. "I'm off to the pub" he grunts and buggers off just like that.

Over at the Rovers, Janice locates her husband, who is as ever, playing with himself in the corner... Errr, playing *darts* with himself in the corner, I should say. They converse on how much they've managed to scrape together for RToyah's Spanish Excursion. Les has "practically licked the boots" of his boss and Janice has pawned some of her jewellry, including a pair of earrings that, apparently, Les bought her for her 21st birthday... err... Just how old *IS* Janice anyway?

Right next to them, Jim MacDonald wages a "wee bet" with his occupational therapist... "You and me, London marathon, first past the post, next year!"... arf, arf... Glad to see that in the few weeks you've been away, you've not changed the record yet, Jim! They have the default "Don't build your hopes up" talk about Jim's 'twinges' (see Sunday's Update). Michael insists, however, that if Jim can walk again they'll be no one happier than him ("Oh really???" gasps Jim, appropriately) since he can get back to his "old grannies" who allegedly give him butterscotch and "do as they're told"... Jim toasts a drink to that.

Over at the bar, Les is in full-swing, talking with Martin and Kevin. A pillar of understanding is RLes: "What fella wants to see his son get saddled with a bird who's already got two kids???" he barks to an obviously disapproving Kev. He digs his own grave quickly, with a JCB no less, explaining rabidly that "they always put their kids first!!! ALWAYS!!! ALWAYS!!!". But The Manic Mechanic snarls "Them're *my* kids you're talking about" and adamantly states "There's no way your son's gonna get 'saddled' with *my* kids!" before storming out of the pub. Martin congratulates Les on his remarkable subtlety.

Maxine enters at this point (with that *awful* silver rucksack of her's... what *is* that?) and sits down chirpily next to Googly Eyes who is nursing a pint. She has apparently shifted round all her afternoon appoinments and now is free to do what she wants, what she really really wants. Which it appears is to sit in a smoky Northern pub next to a guy who looks like an extra from Alan Ormsby's "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things". Obviously a woman of taste, is RMax.

Outside on the corner, Sally bids adieu to her two revolting friends (Greg and Richard) who want to have a "little talk" without her, apparently. As Sally makes for the Rovers, the camera pans over to Janice who has bumped into Toyah on the street. She's the bearer of bad news, it would seem but Toyah takes it gracefully:

Toyah: (A bit sadly) "Ah, it were a daft idea, anyroad. I mean, who could find that sort of money at such short notice?"

(Pause)

Janice: (Brimming with excitement) "Me and Les! When we put our minds to it!!"

Toyah's eyes light up like Blackpool Illuminations (I'm sorry, but can this girl act or *WOT*???) and Janice makes her promise she'll knuckle down to her schoolwork the second she gets back. Toyah throws her arms around Janice and says "You're the best mum in the world" (*lump in throat*), unable to believe that within 24 hours she'll be in Spain. She puts Janice's worries to rest, assuring her she "won't do owt daft" and is joyfully sent off to get started on her packing, smiles all round.

A dodgy (and rather portly) chap in a flat cap and dungarees shows up at the bar asking for Alec. It goes without saying that Vera wants to know who he is et al, but all the jolly fellow says is "It's Pat! Tell him it's Pat!". Cut over to a nearby table where a somewhat squiffy Maxine is offering to buy the next round for her and the equally squiffy Googly Eyes... err, or should that be Googlier Eyes, since he's drunk now? Sadly, she's left her purse in the Salon but rather than having her go fetch it, Steve offers to get these ones in... Hmm.. what's his game eh? (as if you didn't know!!)

Back at the bar, Alec comes out and tries to shuffle the mysterious "Pat" out, as soon as possible. Vera tries her best to offer the poor bloke drinks but Alec is adamant that they go elsewhere. As they pass the door, the camera shoots back to Maxine who is now being accosted by Les. He's putting his foot in it like you wouldn't believe, "apologising" for Greg dumping her and despite her protests of "He's just a bloke" and "There's plenty more fish in the sea", Les insists on remarking what a "great catch" Blandford was and that "it must be a real sickener... losing out the way you did, like that... to an older woman!". Googlier Eyes returns and tells Les to "bog off" in an "I'm about to get this girl really drunk and have sex with her, please don't ruin it for me" tone of voice.

As Les leaves, Googlier placates Max, telling her she had a "lucky escape" since "any son of *his* is bound to be a prat". She mentions that she can't get her head round the whole situation and that Greg is far too selfish to want Sally's kids, which prompts Steve to start moping about *his* situation with Muppet 1 and Son. He goes straight for the sympathy jugular whinging that "according to Fiona I care as much for Morgan as this mobile phone", feigning great hurt. Max is, sadly, sold.

Over at Rita's abode, the identity of "Pat" is finally revealed. He's come to measure up the wall in here so he can knock a hole in it to adjoin the flats of Alec and The Big Red One. Big Red is a little reluctant, but Alec, in the way only Alec can, tells her not to worry, etc, because Pat's only measuring up and blah blah blah the usual excuses, before sending her off to make a cup of tea. Oh, and of course, Pat's "rates are very reasonable!" Yup, it's the same ol' Alec, alright... God knows where that love and marriage bit came from since it obviously didn't take long to slip him back into Miser Mode. To make matters worse... as Rita goes to fetch the tea, Pat tells a rather surprised Alec that he will need planning permission to knock down a main dividing wall. Alec lies through his teeth and assures Pat it's all sorted out... Heh... Just you wait...

Meanwhile, at the the Rovers... Maxine is playing an almost convincing LovesickMopeyDrunk, explaining how even though the whole street is against Sally, at least she "has *HIM!*" and even though we all know Greg's a right bastard and the storyline is crap, for a second here we can believe that Max is truly hurt... As I said, this lasts all of one second (well, more like thirty)... As Vera and Jack exchange a pointless and boring bit of dialogue which basically reaches the conclusion that Pat is a builder and [insert random witterings from Vera about havoc being wreaked on the Rovers], Steve and Maxine decide to go for a Pizza which we can predict means trouble... They speak embarrassing Pigeon Italian to each other in an *especially* flirty way before heading off to the Salon so that Max can pick up her elusive purse.

The Salon is dark... only the streetlights which filter through the blinds provide any source of light. Suddenly a stumbling young woman wearing electric pink enters, looking flustered. She's followed by a slow-moving, suit-wearing, cadaverous individual who is making slurring sounds. OH MY GOD! I'm watching an Italian zombie movie!!! Err... actually no I'm not. It's just Steve following Max into Fiona's. They find her purse and do that predictable "Let's stare at each other and not say anything 'cause we're about to 'ave a snog" look. Then, predictably, they snog. Ick... It's not a pretty sight and we really *could* be spared the slurpy sound effects...

And that's the end of the show! All in all, 50/50 I'd say. Some really great scenes (Battersbys) mixed with some reaaaaaalllly dire ones (Sally!!!). Certainly not as bad as it gets, but maybe it just seems a bit of a comedown following the high-emotion of the last few episodes. Anyroad, that's my take on the proceedings (hope you're not asleep) and hopefully, unless I'm inundated with screaming complaints, I'll see you next week. Take care! :)

This Monday Update was sponsored by Nekromantik (What I was listening to) and Stella Artois (What I was drinking).

Wednesday 9 September

You know how it is when you break up with someone: you hurt for a while, sometimes a long long while, but you get over it eventually. Or so they say. Of course, everyone deals with it differently. My mother's approach to the whole business is quite refreshing. "You think you've got a broken heart?" she said to me the other night, when I told her about the latest twist in the horror story that is my private life. "Well just wait till you're *really* bursting for a pee," she went on, "and then you'll see that all thoughts of love fly out of the window. All you want to do is get to that loo, and even if the handsomest man in the world is battering your door down, you'd tell him to bog off. Or at least to wait until you'd peed. That's love for you: bursting for a pee knocks it from the number one slot every time."

I don't know whether she really believes her own cod-psychology, but then again I don't think she's ever had her heart broken. Not by a lover, anyway. Mainly because she's never had a lover, I think. Not even my father. (You know how most people can never imagine their parents having sex? Well I can never imagine mine acting like lovers. Strange, isn't it? Oh, and as for sex, well don't even mention it. Imagining my mother having sex is as difficult as it would be to imagine Bill Clinton telling the truth, or the Spice Girls issuing a listenable single. Which is why I always joke that I must have been the result of immaculate conception. I told that to my mother once. "More like immaculate misconception," she said, before telling me that I was the result not so much of planned conception as "one too many rum-and-cokes and a bit of larking about that got out of hand." My mother is the kind of woman who probably had pethidine at the conception as well as the birth. I can imagine her on her wedding night, screaming "And if you think you're coming near me with *that* thing, you've got another thing coming!" That's if she knew what it was, of course. And I know for a fact that they must have done it with the lights off, because when she was checked out for cervical cancer some years back and the doctor asked her whether her husband was circumcised or not, she didn't know! (I know all this because my dear aunt Betty told me; my mother tells me nothing about what she calls her 'lights off' life, but tells all to aunt Betty, which is why I know everything there is to know. As a young woman, my aunt Betty had something of a reputation - if being known as the 'Galway mattress' can be called a reputation - and so she's a woman of the world who knows what's what).

Anyway, it's been a heavy week for advice on 'how to mend a broken heart'. Glenda Young, God bless her, sent me a book through the internal post entitled "Letting Go", which is a "12-Week Personal Action Program To Overcome A Broken Heart". Hmm. Very American, which means it's chock-full of cliches and platitudes, and although there are lots of interesting little tips, not one of them involves a blunt knife and the removal of testicles.

Personally I'd like to deal with my break-up the way that Mary, an old friend of mine, dealt with the end of her marriage. Wisely, she'd kept a spare set of house keys for herself, and when her ex was away for a week, she let herself into the old marital home and put into practice several things she'd read in a magazine. First she sprinkled copious amounts of water all over the carpets and then emptied several packets of mustard and cress seeds onto them: having made sure the carpets were extra damp, she knew that the seeds would sprout into a lovely wall-to-wall forest within a week. Then she took off the seals to the central heating ducts and stuffed several kippers up them as far as they would go: undetectable to the naked eye, they would eventually rot and make themselves know slowly but surely as soon as the heating was turned on. Finally, her piece de resistance: she wrote an elaborate 'coming out' letter on his home computer and mailed copies to his workmates and his parents! Well, as the main character in the film "Dolores Claiborne" said. "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hang onto."

Of course, I shan't do any of those things. Besides, mustard and cress would be a refreshing change after some of the things I've seen growing in my ex's flat: I've seen stuff sprouting on food in his fridge that would send Alexander Fleming into raptures. And the smell of rotten kippers would be sheer perfume compared to the rank odour of regurgitated vindaloo and lager after a heavy night on the tiles. (Who said that all gay men were house proud? My ex's flat could have doubled as a Rentokil training ground). I could 'out' him, I suppose, to his taxi firm, but they'd never believe me. They'd never believe for a second that someone who goes through life with an attitude that would shame a neanderthal thug could possibly be a whoopsie. And so I'll just have to go on feeling like this until I feel like this no longer, I guess. What else can one do? People tell me to throw myself into work or go out and enjoy myself, but if I'm truthful, I just can't hack it. Trawling the clubs and the pubs takes time, energy and money, and the eventual outcome is rarely worth the vast emotional input. Another friend suggests I put an ad in a newspaper or magazine, which is something I've never done before. But it's all so demeaning. The only ad I'd ever consider placing would have to run something like this: "Handsome man required, between 30 and 40. Must be rich, reckless and stupid. Oh, and preferably on life support and in need of someone to help him write a living will." Something tells me that there aren't many of those about, funnily enough. The one consolation, however, is that none of my friends has yet said, "I told you so." I suppose one must be grateful for small mercies. Nevertheless it will be a cold winter, alone under a double duvet. But don't worry, I *will* survive. And I shall take Paul Baker's advice. "Don't throw yourself down any flights of stairs," he said. "At least not without an audience." Isn't he a gem?

Anyway, boyfriends may come and boyfriends may go, but updates are here to stay. And so here it is:

Well let's get the dire business of Fiona and Steve out of the way first. The episode opens with Cadaver Boy sat in front of a mirror in the salon, fingering some kind of hairdresser's gun - you know, the type that you squirt water or hair lotion out of. (The variety of hair preparations - shampoos, conditioners, gels - on the market is simply mind-blowing, don't you think? However, my favourite shampoo has to be the wonderfully named "Pump And Spray", which I can never walk past in Boots without being reminded of every bad one-night-stand I ever had. The shampoos I vow never to buy are those advertised by celebrities; if I see that God-awful commercial with Jennifer Aniston in it just one more time, I swear I shall throw something through the TV set. Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon these days. I mean, even Bernard Manning has his own shampoo out. It's designed for people who only want to take one bottle into the shower, and it's called: "Wash and Fuck Off"). Anyway, Steve is looking decidedly smug - the only look he does well - and has even more reason to look smug when Fiona arrives, apologising for her behaviour at the restaurant. (What is it with these wimpy women who end up apologising for things they've never done, when in reality they should be making a beeline for their boyfriends' goolies with a pair of pinking shears?). Well not only does Fiona apologise, she also proposes that Steve adopt Morgan as his own. (The Steve-Fiona thread runs through the whole episode like a tapeworm through a leg of pork, so best get it all out of our system right at the beginning, what?).

Fiona also tells him that Audreh is one some adoption committee at the council, and will thus be able to facilitate - and possibly expedite - the whole adoption procedure. However there is one small snag: they need to be married. (Which is bollocks of course, because they let any old riff-raff - married or otherwise - adopt kids these days. In fact, the weirder you are, the more likely it is that the council will take you seriously, whatever the issue. My mother once had a problem with her refuse collectors, who refused to take several bags of garden waste that she'd stacked up for them dispose of. I told her to complain to the council. "What do you think I am?" she said, "a blind, one-legged lesbian from Bangladesh? Because that's what you have to be before the council will lift a finger to do anything!") Anyway, this sets the scene nicely for Fiona to propose to Steve, at which point they both spill their coffee. (No, it's not a euphemism, although it could very well be).

Actually, it's probably not so much the excitement of being proposed to as the relief of not being caught out that makes Steve spill his drink. For interspersed between all the luvvy-dovey scenes at the salon are a few scenes involving Maxime, and her attempt to come clean to Fiona over the fact that she has bedded Cadaver Boy. It starts off with Fiona telling Steve to take Maxime to the Rover's for lunch, just "to take her out of herself". Mindful of the fact that it was drinking together at the Rover's that started all the trouble, neither Steve nor Maxine is very keen on the idea. However, they eventually find themselves in the pub, where they conduct a post-mortem on their 'hide-the-salami' session. Maxime says it was a mistake; Steve agrees and says that they should both forget it ever happened. But Maxime is tired of being forgotten. She's tired of being thought of as a dumb bimbo who is good only for a quick shag whenever anything in trousers feels like it. "But not any more," she sniffs, "because this time it's going to be different. But first I must tell Fiona what I've done, or else I'll never be able to look her in the face again." And off she marches, leaving a gobsmacked Steve struggling not to bronze his Calvin Kleins. Later, in the salon, a very drunken and maudlin Maxime begins to apologise to Fiona. Fiona has absolutely no idea, of course, what Maxime is saying sorry for, but since Max is drunk she makes allowances. (Drunks, when they're not telling everyone how much they love them, will apologise for anything. My mother rarely gets bladdered, but when she does she could convince the most die-hard sceptic that she was actually the sole cause of the Second World War). Steve looks on, willing Maxime to shut up and Fiona not to understand, but in the end Maxime leaves in a drunken tizzy, thus saving Cadaver Boy's bacon.

Heard enough about the salon for one update? Well catch yourself on, as they say, because there is one other scene worth reporting, and that involves the goddess Audreh, who is trying to empathise with Maxime over the latter's break-up with Greg. She tries the old "been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, slept with the T-shirt seller" line, but suddenly realises mid-sentence that since she (i.e. Audreh) has never been dumped by a man (!), she can't really empathise - but she can sympathise. (There *is* a subtle difference, you know; wake up at the back, you lot!). "But I've had friends who've been dumped," says Audreh," and everyone used to tell them what I'm going to tell you now, Maxime, and that is: there's plenty more fish in the sea!" Fiona says that people only say that because they can't think of anything sensible to say. Besides, continues Fiona, what good is a cliche like that? After all, Maxime is not looking for a fish, is she? "Oh I know that," says Audreh, "it's just a metamorphosis." (I think she means 'metaphor', but with Audreh you can never be sure. As a malapropism it's a bit far-fetched; after all, where would a woman like Audreh have picked up a word like 'metamorphosis'?)

At the Rovers, Jack and Vera are 'trying it on' with Alec in their new role as employees to his boss. Jack is taking a long lunch break - time 'in lieu' - while Vera is planning a long lie-in for tomorrow morning. They have probably stipulated all these things in their contract, along with Vera's right to wear gold earrings as big as coal scuttles and twice as unsightly. They've also been spending some of the £30,000 that they will probably never see, for Jack returns from lunch with several new purchases - among them a canary yellow polo shirt that looks as though it was last modelled in Kays 1987 summer catalogue. Oh dear, I can see all this ending in tears.

Another thing which will undoubtedly end in tears is the Sally/Blandford affair. They're in his flat - or was it the cafe? I can't remember, really, because Blandford is the kind of character that leaves an indelible blank on the mind. (Fireworks could be going off, acrobats from the Chinese State Circus could be somersaulting across the floor, and the Vienna Boys Choir could be in full flow, but if Blandford were in the scene, I'd go blank immediately and forget everything. The guy has all the charm and charisma of an asthmatic trainspotter, and everything he does leaves me cold. And although he's got a passable physique, absolutely *nothing* suits him clothes-wise. He always looks as though he's been kitted out by the wardrobe advisor for "Stingray"). Anyway, Blandford has brought the contract for Sally to sign, but all she can think about is 'the gurls'. Is Kevin trying to prevent her from seeing them? Will he gain custody of them? Will he allow them to be on screen for more than ten seconds without sending them upstairs to wash their hands or stuffing them full of white bread and spaghetti hoops? Sally, of course, is A Concerned Mother, and so such questions are natural. Blandford promises to have a word with his solicitor friend, then shoves the contract under Sally's nose for her to sign.

Elsewhere in the Street, Jim 'Legs' McDonald is at home with Michael, his gorgeous occupational therapist. Legs is lifting weights and getting knackered in the process. Michael reminds him that the Commonwealth Games is due to start quite soon - the only major athletics meet to feature a special disabled section. "Why should I want to watch disabled athletes?" asks Jim. Michael says, "Because it will show you what you could be capable of if you got off your arse and got your act together." (Yes, Michael actually used the word 'arse', which surely must be a CS first. Michael's 'arse' continues the recent trend for the use of expletives in the Street, possibly in a conscious attempt at greater social verisimilitude. This can only be A Good Thing, provided that it is not overdone or forced. In real life, people like Les, for example, pepper most of their conversations with the F-word, whereas on screen it is all toned down and bowdlerised. I'm not advocating the use of naughty words simply for the sake of it; I mean, could you imagine Emily Bishop telling Audreh to "eff off, you old slapper" every time she's annoyed with her? However, a judiciously placed expletive every now and again would add edge and make it all more realistic). Anyway, Jim is still convinced that he is getting feeling back in his toes, and says that his GP has assured him that walking is a distinct possibility, once the swelling around the nerves has gone down that is. Michael tells him not to get his hopes up too much, but Jim will hear none of it. Besides, it's not just his hopes he wants to get up. "Imagine Liz's surprise when I actually walk through the door!" he enthuses. (Incidentally, where *is* La Mouton these days? Probably holed up with Deirdre, listening to "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" and contemplating several large root vegetables. Who knows?) Anyway, Jim is obviously growing very fond of Michael because later, in the Rovers, he tells Michael that even once he has got better and is able to walk, he'd like to go on seeing him socially. (Does this mean that Michael is to become a permanent fixture in the Street? Well I'm not complaining. Obviously Michael will be there to console Jim once Liz goes, which can't be very far off now. Jim will probably have a relapse and need round-the-clock care, in which case Michael might even move in with him. And then, during a drinking bout, Jim might make a fool of himself and Michael will offer him a shoulder to cry on, and before you know it - hey presto, they're an item! Why not? Stranger things have happened on the Street, after all. Ivy's ghost, for starters; Audreh becoming a councillor; Anne Malone's ridiculous extortion story line; and Ida Clough's little PG Tips monkey wig, surely the strangest thing of all. So Michael and Jim setting up home together isn't that bizarre by Street standards, however much I'd prefer Michael to shack up with DS Wyatt instead).

Talking of improbable situations, at Firmans (or Freshcos, or whatever they're calling it), a pair of detectives disguised as salesemen come to brief Curly on his mission: he is to pretend to deposit the £50,000 in a waste bin so that the extortioner - whom the police have nicknamed 'Chummy' - can be caught. Anne Maloon is, of course, in attendance, beaming adoringly at the more vocal of the two cops (Fox, I think he was called) as he tells the hapless Mr Watts what to do. Psychobitch actually has two of the Frescho girls haul in a flip-chart so that the detective can draw a diagram of the 'drop'. "I do love to watch professionals at work," she coos. "It's all so fascinating, isn't it, Norman?" Curly simply looks nonplussed, but then Curly always looks non-plussed. (The whole scene was played for laughs, but was about as humourous as an HIV test. Not even the name of the operation - 'Operation Crustacean' - raised so much as a titter, and Eve Steele's acting was execrable. I've seen better four year-olds in Christmas Nativity plays, and the coppers weren't much better). Anyway, Curly makes the drop but ruins things somewhat by constantly looking over his shoulder and whistling shrilly, thus dissuading 'Chummy' from turning up. The episode ends with psychobitch Maloon making another 'extortion collage' to send to Freschos, but this time with a jar of doctored beetroot - i.e. beetroot with shards of glass in it. (Again she dons her rubber gloves to carry out her foul deed, and again we're treated to her devilish, self-satisfied smirk - the one she's obviously picked up from watching endless repeats of 'Batman'. I half expected her to rub her rubber gloved hands together and utter a fiendish 'Ha ha!', but it was not to be).

Okay, that's your lot for this week. But before I go, let me leave you with a frightening thought. According to a newspaper article I read last week, when we ingest animal DNA - for example, when we eat beef or lamb or pork - the DNA is not flushed out of our bodies entirely, as scientists previously thought it was; rather, some of it stays there and is actually utilised to build tissue, muscle and bone. It would seem, therefore, that we indeed *are* what we eat, after all. The more mutton we eat, for example, the more sheep DNA we store up and, consequently, the more sheep attributes we acquire and, presumably, the more sheep-like we become. The same with pigs and cows. I've always suspected this, of course, and I guess that is why vegetarians are such peace-loving, harmless people: they're all walking around full of plant DNA, and have *you* ever seen an aggressive cabbage or a warlike sprout?

Similarly, this may explain why married couples become so alike after years of marriage, depending of course on how often DNA from the male has been transferred to the female when they 'exchange bodily fluids'. Maybe it's a two-way process, depending of course on who does what to whom.

The frightening part, however, is the thought that you might have picked up some of the characteristics of everyone you've ever slept with. That would mean, if I'm not mistaken, that some people must have literally hundreds of personalities. Bizarre, eh?

I suddenly feel quite ill. I'll get me coat...

Until next time, love and hugs, CP

Friday 11 September

Hiya folks!!!!

Update time again, where does the week go? Here we are again, another Sunday, as I write up the Friday Update.

So, what's been happening? Not an awful lot really, hmm... did my first quiz on Friday night and hope that was as much fun for others as for me (yes, I do have a strange twisted mind when it comes to cryptic clues!! Hahahaha!).. made a mistake or two, but don't we all?? Next time round, I'll try and spread the questions a bit more (I was very conscious of the questions ending in 1994 where the Darren whatsit book leaves off), so we'll give the newer viewers a better chance.

The Blackpool Contress is rapidly approaching.... By this time in three weeks, I guess it'll all be over and we'll all be full of lovely memories of good times we've had and great people we've met!!!!

My Ping lager is brewing well, I'll be racking that off later and bottling it in a few days time :-) It'll have just matured nicely by the time the ping is done. Watch out!!!

Tuned in again to CHFI Toronto on the web last night for the Oldies programme ... one of those superb all-nighter sessions... I joined in at 1 a.m. and went to bed just after 6!! With great sounds and great company, what else can you do?? Been listening to it during the week and becoming an expert on the Toronto traffic scene. Jac is lining me up to "Stump the Chump" and as I'm a keen 60s music fan, specialising in the trivia of that era, that sounds like fun. Apparently, CHFI doesn't get many listeners from Glossop!! LOL!! We've had a new local radio station open up here on Tuesday, covering the North West of England, called Century 105 and as that plays a lot of 60s/70s soul, that's another winner for this 60s teenager!!

Manchester saw its new Shopping mall, the Trafford Centre, reputedly the largest mall in Europe, open up on Thursday, so we popped along there yesterday. Truly magnificent and one of those places that makes shopping a very pleasant experience. I'm not really a shopper, but I do like malls - you don't get wet, for one thing and you don't alternate from hot to cold as you go in and out of the shops. This one will be a real winner.... the main eating area, incidentally, is decorated as the deck of a liner and the roof shows a mock sky which moves around the clock from dawn, through the day, to dusk, through the night and back, all over a one hour cycle... really splendid stuff. A few teething problems which will need to be sorted, but one of those places, which will be a real crowd puller.

Apart from the usual round of work :-( ....... that's it, now I really need to get cracking on setting up the York Ping web site, so I'll scoot....

... and on that note, without further ado, it's time for the update....

Sunday 13 September

Oops. This was supposed to get typed up yesterday, but I left my notes at home in a bit of a dash to get into work. Sorry about the 48-hr turnaround and all that. Still, I haven't yet come across the Rattler's Monday update on the ratucs newsgroup, so there's some chance this might hit the streets before his. Small saving grace.

Ha, I just re-read that and noticed the word "dash". This suggestion of speed is a complete untruth. Since Monday morning, I have been hobbling about - indeed, it was only Wednesday that I could descend stairs without hanging on to the rail for support. Sunday was spent, for the most part, walking around several peaks in the Lake District with a couple of friends. We've tried to make this a fairly regular thing, but as we all have growing families and other commitments, it's more of a snatched opportunity. Still, it was a fabulous day weather-wise, if a little windy and occasionally chilly, and if I hadn't found my trusty old camera had finally extinguished the original supplied batteries, there would now be some spiffing photos for proof. Instead, what I have are some memories, and a lot of aches and pains. As we sat in the pub afterwards [hey, this is the whole point, building up a proper thirst], we had thought it had been a few months since the previous expedition. It turned out to have been nigh on a whole year, which no doubt explains why nearly all of the major muscles in both legs went sick on Monday morning and are only now reporting for duty. Only by feigning a loose shoelace this morning did I manage to avoid being helped across the road by an old lady bearing a striking resemblance to Shirely Tremanye. But that's another story...

The old digits are still in fine form, however, so with absolutely no more ado, let's put them to work and get cracking on Sunday's events down our favourite Street.

Act 1
Argh. It's like one of those disastrous Formula 1 starts. You're hoping for a clean getaway, and instead some buffoon stalls and there is a nasty pile-up. The Corrie equivalent is an opening scene featuring some of our lesser-loved characters. Today, it's Fiona and Steve. [Oh, and the baby.] Fiona is mixing up baby food, while Steve is awaking from his slumber, on the sofa it seems. Fi is still not talking to him, as he continues to protest his innocence, saying that Maxine has had a jealous fit and is lying about sleeping with him, in order to "get back" at Fiona for mocking Greg after he dumped the frizzy one. "We're happy, and she's not, and she doesn't like it", sums up his arguments. Fiona doesn't look convinced.

Emily and Spider are knocking on Curly's front door, but he's not in. They're worried that he might have spent the night at the police station, as this could mean he's in real trouble. Emily resolves to find out what's going on.

In a neat echo of the Laird household [when Mrs L has had to leave early, I hasten to add], Daddy Webster is losing his rag at the kids as they wander about, making no progress in the vital task of getting ready for school. Rosie tells Kevin that Mummy would know where her jumper was, which prompts Kevin to snap that maybe Mummy shouldn't have run off with her fancy man. Rosie is upset, and Kevin has to comfort her, saying sorry, and realising that he shouldn't be taking out his anger and frustration on the gurrls.

Over to the other Macdonald household, where Jim is exercising with hand weights, while Liz is trowelling on the make-up. [I can't help thinking that Jim would be getting much better exercise if he was out and about in a wheelchair that looked as if it had been built in this century, but still.] Jim remarks on how Liz will be able to enter the glamorous granny competitions now that Steve is going to adopt Morgan and be officially his father [making Liz the baby's grandmother]. Predictably, an ageing slapper like Liz, still clinging to what's left of her looks, is not best reminded of facts like these, and she's a bit put out that that's what Jim thinks she is now, a granny. He focuses more on the glamorous side, and wonders if Steve and Fiona will be having more kids of their own. [Did that thought make you grimace too ?] Anyway, Liz hasn't got time to hang about and be insulted any longer, she's off to Baldwin's factory to put in some overtime. On the way out, she encounters Jim's therapist, Michael, who is just arriving. There is definitely some chemistry going on here, as they exchange pleasantries, before Liz leaves and Michael goes through to the back room to greet Jim. Jim tells him that he has had some more twinges below the waist [and so has Michael, but he keeps schtum], but they both realise that he shouldn't get his hopes up too much. Being able to walk again is a long way down the road, if at all. So it is.

At Freshco's, our detective of indeterminate rank [he's been both a superintendent and an inspector already, but if he keeps up with the ham I think sergeant would be overdoing it] tells Anne no-this-isn't-make-up-I- really-am-this-pale-and-unearthly Malone that they have found a book in Curly's house which appears to have been the source of the extortion letters. She feigns shock and surprise, but the detective goes on to say that Curly maintains he has been set up. By Anne. She explains how she and Curly had a chequered past, due to his "obsession" with her. She thought he had got over it, but perhaps as he been recently told he would be being made redundant [not true] this was his way of getting his revenge. All the while, Alma, unnoticed, is standing outside the office door, listening in.

Rita is in the Rovers, looking for Alec. She tells him that his builder has failed to show up, and she is getting tired of looking at the mess he has left. "Get it sorted, Alec." Turning to leave, she sees Sally sitting alone with a drink, looking thoughtful, and goes to talk to her. Sally says she wasn't sure if Rita would still want to speak to her, after what's happened. Rita replies that she never thought Sally would walk out on her children. "I didn't walk out, Kevin threw me out", replies Sally. She tells Rita that she hadn't planned to leave the girls behind. "But you had planned *something*", Rita surmises. It's all got out of hand, asserts Sally, she needs to get things sorted. Rita asks how Kevin is coping on his own. Sally thinks he'd never admit he was struggling anyway.

Jack re-appears, having had a lengthy fag-break. Alec orders him down to the cellar to sort out them barrels, and writes something down in a small notebook.

A location shot, now, as we find Steve waiting outside Maxine's parents house, as she walks up. She's not pleased to see him there [anywhere, probably], especially when he demands to know why she'd told Fiona what had gone on while Fiona was away. Maxine protests that it was the truth, no matter how ugly, and she couldn't lie about it forever. They have a blazing row, and for once we actually see Maxine [and even Steve, it must be said] putting some real conviction into their lines. [Perhaps this is why some people think EastEnders is better acted, because the characters are forever shouting at each other !] Steve tells Maxine that she has ruined everything, including her own life, as she can hardly expect Fiona to employ someone who's slept with her boyfriend. Gradually, he convinces Maxine that she has to tell Fiona that she had lied earlier, and beg her forgiveness. That way, she won't lose Fiona, or her job.

Back to the Rovers, where Spider is telling Aunty Em that the police did arrest Curly the previous day, but that he has been released on bail. Alma arrives and tells them what she has overheard at the store. "It's a pack of lies", she says, "but I can't prove anything." Spider tells her that Curly has disappeared. "It's this extortion rap", he says, "it's heavy !" [No, really.] Emily tells him not to be so melodramatic.

Act 2
Audreh ushers another coiffured client out of the salon, and asks Fiona where Maxine has got to, as she's rushed off her feet. Fiona snaps something in reply. Audreh's fine-tuned antennae twitch, and she wonders if everything is alright between the two girls. "Everything's fine, she's just got some stomach bug or something", replies Fiona. She tells Audreh to go and make the tea.

Talking of which, Greg shows yet another prowess [to add to his wooden acting and his ironing] as he produces two cups of tea, for him and Sally. Sally, I need hardly add, is gazing wistfully out of the window. She's waiting for Kevin to return with the girls, and perhaps they might look up at the window and see her, and know she's thinking about them. [Perhaps you should have a packet of fish fingers in one hand then, Sally !]

Alma is stocking some shelves in the store, when a chilly feeling comes over her. No, the nearby freezer isn't malfunctioning, it's Anne approaching. She asks Alma is she is, in fact, a friend of Curly's. "Well, yes", replies Alma. "Well, I don't believe in friendships between management and staff!" says Anne [just management and ice-maidens]. She goes on to "advise" Alma that she should put her interests first, as it will do no good to remain on Curly's side given the trouble he's in. In fact, if Alma should see him arrive at the store, she should immediately call security. Because Curly *is* the extortionist - the proof is incontrovertible. Alma thinks this must be rubbish - he's one of the nicest men she knows. But Anne knows better - Curly is unstable and dangerous, and has a very personal grudge against her. There's no room for doubt. As Anne walks off, Alma quite deliberately mutters that Curly must have been "set up". Anne is not best pleased that anyone should suspect this.

Steve arrives at the salon, to find Fiona on her own. She's given Audrey the rest of the day off. She wonders why Steve has bothered to show his face. He tells her he thought she might have seen sense, and been prepared to talk to him. He reiterates that Maxine was lying all along. Fiona retorts that the two people she trusted most, had betrayed her. She feels like crap, because that's how they've treated her.

Outside, Audrey bumps into Maxine, who claims to have had a migraine. Audrey smells a bit of a rat as it's clear that the two stories don't add up. She tells Maxine that Steve is in the salon, before heading for the Rovers, and a good gossip with Betty. "I think they wanted me out of the way", she says. Rita encounters Alec once more, and lets fly about the half-finished doorway between their flats. She tells him she agreed to a door, not something the size of a railway tunnel. Although she tries to keep her voice down, it looks like Betty and Audrey have got the gist of things.

Spider and Emily have drawn a blank in their latest search for Curly. Alma tells them they should read a letter she has received - it's from the elusive Mr Watts. Spider reads it out. It seems that Curly believes he's been "stitched up good and proper". [You don't think I'm making this up, do you, that's what it said !] He knows Anne is behind everything, but he can't prove it.

Cut to the salon once more, and Maxine flies in. Fiona tells her in no uncertain terms that she has nothing to say to her. Steve says she should listen to Maxine, "that is, if she's come to tell the truth this time". Maxine tells Fiona that she had lied about sleeping with Steve. "I was angry and upset about Greg, and you were slagging him off !", she explains. It was stupid, and she's very sorry. Fiona doesn't accept it however, she throws a major wobbly and sacks Maxine on the spot. "And don't show your face around here again, or I'll rip it off !!". [Such nice manners...]

This episode was written by Phil Ford

Mr Ford certainly knows how to write some angry stuff, and we actually got to see something approaching acting tonight from the Muppets and the Undead. Meanwhile, Sally and Greg and Kevin bore on and on, while we await some light relief in the Alec and Rita show [and there's bound to be something funny coming up with this half-built door, that's for sure].

Will Jim walk again ? Where's Curly disappeared to ? But most of all, where's Ashleh ?? Bring back Ashley, I say, bring back Ashley.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****

Now where's that walking stick of mine...

John Laird

Monday 14 September

Here is the Update for Monday September 14th, written, apparently, by extraterrestrials who stole the Rattler's video cassette...

(Hey, don't blame me, I'm just passing on the message!)

Greetings Earthlings!! Here is the update for Monday 14th September.

We are from distant Martian outpost, very close to Uranus from where we speak now. We have done much research on you earthlings but we had never before encountered this particular mutation, 'ratucs anoraksus'.

We were asked to do this update in return for retaining a video of your programme, Coronation Street. We shall be studying this life form in great detail and may return for future probings. The member of your species from whom we took this tape is known as the Rattler, who informs us that this was to be his second episode as a regular updater. As we say on Mars, 'aint life a bitch honey'. We beamed him up [no jokes aobut Scotty please, we have seen your ancient sci-fi programmes hurble hurble LOL.]

After a very deep probing last monday night, which he did enjoy, despite many protestations, we discovered many things about ratucs anoraksus an here are some of our observations.

1. We observer that ratucs anoraksus watches one programme all the time, never missing an episode. Here on our planet we have a name for that. Saddus Bastardus.

2. The character you call Steve Mcdonald is not human. He is a mutant of the species 'gogglus revolvus', an ugly life form which lives on the planet 'hammus actus'.

3. The females of the species known as Muppet one and muppet two were given a good probing by us. This is not new to them we think, hurble hurble lol. Good martian joke, yes. We discovered there is not much to probe. Not in the cranium area anyway.

4. The earthling known as Roy. We think he is the most intelligent member of this programme and we agree that he should be given the title of Sir Roy. Tell him we wish to speak to him and we would like to show him our space ship.

5. If humans were more like Martians, Alec could probe Rita without knocking holes in walls.

What follows is our update based on our probings...some more pleasant than others!

The episode opens with gogglus revolvus and muppet one exchanging bodily fluids via their tonsils. Muppet one asks him if he wants to adopt Morgan, the infant puppet. He says yes, then she asks him to marry her. Dont do it!!! can she hear us from up here, dont do it we say!

The Big Red is asking Alec how much longer the building work will take and whats happened to Pat the builder. He tells her he's had to dash to an urgent job. Big Red says taht he told them it would be finished in two days.

At the garage, Kevin asks Till if he can do some work for him be he needs it done that day. Tilly cant because of college work, Kevin sulks and withdraws his offer of work. He then goes to the Kabin to ask Rita if she can help, but she cant, so he stomps off in another sulk.

Alec asks Jim, so he does, about what qualifications RGareh has, he says none so Alec decides he can do it himself.

Whilst Fiona is out, Maxine appears. Audreh tells her that Steve is upstairs in the flat and Maxine dashes off to see him.

The plot thickens[like stale gravy] at Freshco. Alma has had a call from Curly but he's rung off when Ann Malone walks in. She tells Alma that she has been called away to the Bury shop because of staff shortages. What does Weatherfield branch have if it isnt staff shortages?!After the Bunny Boiler has left, Alma tries to ring him back but it was a payphone at the airport, Curly has gone. [private jet to Betty Ford Clinic?]

Back at El Casa Rojo Grande [The Big Red's house] Alec tells Rita that he is going to do some of the work himself. Despite her protests he begins to chip away at the hole in the wall. Rita leaves him to it.

Back at the Rovers, Aunty Em is interrogating Spider to find out if he knows if any of his friends are involved with the business at Freshco, he says definitely not.

Back to El Casa Rojo Grande where Alec is still chipping away. Suddenly there is a crash and Alec is on the floor covered in dust and looking like the Pillsbury dough boy. He begins to knock on the floor and Ken asks Rita if Alec was in the scouts.'Why' she says. Cos thats the SOS in morse code. Rita dashes for help, firstly Kevin who says no, he's going to pick the girls up. So she gets Jack and Nurse Plattypus. It wont be long before everyone knows about the doorway.

Back at the Rovers, Aunty Em and Spider are joined by Alma and they are trying to find a way to help Curly.

In come Jack and Martin with Alec[who seems to have had a shower and change of clothes in the two minutes it took to walk over. Rita is there as well and Jack suggests that she put bromide in his tea like when he was in the army. They wouldnt need the doorway then. Rita asks him if it worked? he says not at the time but its starting to now.

Back at Muppet One's, Steve and Maxine are arguing at the top of their voices. Meanwhile Fiona returns and Audreh tells her that Maxine came to see her and that she has gone up to talk to Steve. In the flat, Steve is getting a bit physical and has grabbed Maxine to throw her out. She is still saying she wants to tell Fiona and Steve says no, they should forget it happened, it didnt mean anything to him. As he opens the door, Muppet One is stood there, she has heard it all.

End of episode

Well, we were very pleased to have on record such an exciting episode of your programme. We will continue to do our probings at various times and we will definitely be back to observe the leisure time and inter-reaction of ratucs anoraksus during your 'Blackpool Contress' where we believe there will be a great intake of fluid and a little probing will take place. Greetings from us Martians, currently deployed in Uranus.

Wednesday 16 September

Friday 18 September

Hiya folks!!!! Grrr!!! Ever had one of those mornings? There I was on Friday night, a bit on the tired side, but cracking on with my Update and congratulating myself because the three hours or so spent on the Update had meant I'd largely broken the back of the job..... I came to the machine on Saturday morning to find that the file had been saved on a remote drive, as had the backup file, but both had got corrupted when the remote machine was rebooted!!!! End result, only about a couple of paragraphs to show for an evening's work. And to think that I'd got up an hour or so earlier, looked out of the window at the blue sky and the sun beaming through the window and thought to myself "this is gonna be a wonderful day"!!!! Sigh....

Well, its Sunday afternoon now, as I'm putting the final touches to this Update... the countdown is well and truly down for the Blackpool Contress. In two weeks time, by this stage it will all be over. By now, some of our friends will have already landed in the UK, with more to arrive in the next few days. The excitement is growing, as we look forward to meeting some of our new friends for the first time and re-establishing friendships with those we've met before....

Weatherwise, we seem to be going through a changeable period. A week ago, we changed the bedsheets for the warmer winter variety, only to find, the last few days, that things have warmed up again. A few nights ago, Trude looked like something from a Harry Worth sketch (remember him, he was the guy who did the shop window mirror impressions, sticking an arm and a leg out!!!). I am typing this in my little pit with shorts and T-shirt on - a few days back, we had the fire on!! Crazy stuff..... I think the message for Blackpool visitors has to be, take layers of clothing , have something water-proof, as we don't have a clue what the weather will be like!!!

Some correspondence on the Coronation Street SPOTS mailing list his week, has brought to mind the never ending saga of letters to schoolteachers excusing a child's absence from school. In one classic case that Trude received, the child had taken unauthorised absence, the parents being totally unaware of their child's absence. The little brat, who was as thick as two short plank, had got his mate to write the note for him. The mate was somewhat smarter and played a practical joke in penning the note which read.... "Dear teacher, please excuse Johnny for being away from school yesterday, as he strained his arm, trying to wipe his arse." Bearing in mind that these were nine-year olds, it bodes well for the future of the country having such imaginative skills around at such an early age. I never did find out what happened to either of them. All I can recall is the tear-stained note which ended up pinned to the staffroom noticeboard....

... and on that note, without further ado, it's time for the update....

Sunday 20 September

And today on Blue Peter we're going to show you how to turn 3 pages of illegible scribble into a shiny Corrie update, with just a roll of sticky tape and an old washing-up bottle. You have 2 hours, and your time starts... NOW!

Oh God, what's happened in the last week ? Come on, come on, think man. Something must have taken place. Funny thing happened on the way to work ? Err, no. Someone died ? Someone was born ? Lost your job. Lost your leg. Lost your family in freak accident... No no no. Wibble wibble wibble. [Looks at watch. Shoot - now only 1 hour and 55 minutes.]

Oh sod it. Here's the update for this week. Brought to you, as ever, by Twinings English Breakfast tea, and the dulcet tones of 12 other miscreants clicking and pointing and tapping away furiously in the background. [All of them wondering, no doubt, just what Laird is up to at times like this...]

Act 1
It's Jim and Liz, so it is. Liz wants to know what Fiona and Jim had talked about. Jim tells her it was all about Steve - he had tried to tell the wee lassie that she should give Steve another chance, he really loves her, her and the baby, so he does. But Fiona won't have him back. Liz thinks this is a real shame, as Fiona seemed to be the one girl with enough character to stand up to Steve and get him in line. Anyway, Liz is off shopping now, for some more Frizz-ease.

Kevin is walking the streets with Sophie, hoping to bump into an off-duty babysitter. Not surprisingly, they're thin on the ground. He does meet Martin, but he's off to work. Natalie greets them. [In her dressing gown. Sounds of mental gears meshing as we recall that she's with Des now, sure enough, that's Des' doorstep she's standing on.] She offers to help out, as she's on her own with Des already off to work himself. Kevin is a bit taken aback, but agrees. Natalie will come over to Kevin's house and look after Sophie there.

Sally is also clutching a milk bottle [a quaint habit we cling onto here in ye olde merrie England], and a coffee pot, over t'road in Greg's flat. She's all enthusiastic about getting straight down to some estate agents and looking for a house big enough for them and the gurrls. Greg considers how he can let Sally down gently, and comes up with beating her hard over the head with his considered opinion that no way can they think of making that sort of commitment until they've got their new business up and running successfully. [At a guess, this is going to be *months*, if not longer. And anyway Greg is about as opaque and interesting as a small scrap of clingfilm, and obviously harbours no desires whatsoever to be playing Happy Families with the Baked Bean kids.] He changes the subject and suggests they have breakfast in the cafe. Sally whines that she "wants her daughters".

No sooner said than we're in the cafe, as Roy and Hayley prepare to set off the "the other side of town" to look at a new place for Hayley. [She is selling her father's house.] They say goodbye to Gail. By the window, Ken is seen drinking his tea and reading his paper. Gail makes polite conversation and finds that Ken has nothing else to do. "Lucky you", she suggests. His look says otherwise. Greg and Sally enter, and he sits down while Sally goes over to the counter to have a quiet girly chat with Gail. She tells her about the house-hunting having to wait until the business is running. "And how long will that be ?", muses Gail. Sally's worried that Rosie and Sophie will start to forget her if they don't see her regularly.

It's a major occasion over at Fiona's salon, where the producers have been splashing out on non-speaking extras, and the customers now outnumber the staff ! Audreh answers the phone to find Jim on the other end, asking, nay demanding to speak to Fiona. She hands the phone over, and Fiona is subjected to further demands from the wheeled one. "You can't just tell me what you did the other day and leave it at that", he rants, "get yerself over here royght noy !". [I used to know someone from Northern Ireland who could pronounce "how now, brown cow" with about three times as many syllables as the average dictionary. Ah, so much more interesting than the Queen's English !]

Vera confides in Betty that she has put their money [from Alec] into a joint account which requires both signatures for withdrawals, as she doesn't trust Jack any further than she could throw him. Jack appears, and Betty tells him how grateful he should be that Vera is thinking about his future. "Ah, that's the trouble", he explains. As he won't live as long, being a man, he ought to get on with spending his share as soon as possible. How about 5 thousand now ? On yer bike, says Vera. 4 ? Get knotted. 3 ??

Natalie and Sophie enter the cafe, for a milkshake and a coffee. [Or a coffee and a milkshake, rather.] Fortunately, Sally and Greg have already left, but Gail can't resist sticking her nose in and pointing out how upset Sally is about the whole situation. "It's her decision - she left Kevin", opines Natalie. Gail thinks it's because they couldn't live together any more, "and we all know whose fault that is". Natalie informs her that she's no friend of Sally's, if she believes that rubbish. She and Kevin split up, and anything that happened after that was down to Sally and Kevin. [Natalie is a much-improved character on the rather unlikely femme fatale who enticed old fuzzy lip away from his little wifey - she's far more savvy and self- confident. I think she'd make an excellent landlady for the Rovers, if that's the way things are heading.]

Fiona arrives at Jim's, and we steel ourselves for some sparks. He asks her if it's really true, about Steve trying to kill him, and not just some way she is exacting revenge on Jim for ruining her wedding day. Would she say the same thing in front of Steve ? Liz and Andy ? A court of law ? Oh yes, indeed she would. She tells him she had wanted Steve to come clean about it earlier, and that she was pushed into saying something herself when Jim was having a go about her and Steve and Maxine. Too late, she realises she is back in the middle of a Big Mac dispute. Jim asks *why* Steve pushed him off the scaffolding. Fiona tells him that he was drunk, and was telling Steve where he could stick his job. "Steve saw his chance, and took it." Jim seethes. [So he does. Very well.]

Intermission
Just time to make two cups of coffee, and get back to the settee in time for...

Act 2
An [inevitably] enthusiastic estate agent is showing Roy and Hayley around a flat. She seems very keen, and has hit it off with the agent, who tells her who he lives nearby [they always do] and how good the shops are. No, they'll really like it, he tells them. Roy corrects him, and points out the flat is for Hayley. All the while, he is walking about with his shopping bag over one arm, a tape measure in one hand, counting electrical sockets and observing that the lounge window faces North. "What council tax band is it ?", he enquires. Hayley tells him to be quiet, and goes off for another look about, by herself.

Jack is still trying to persuade Vera to let him have some of the money. How about just the interest, then ? Still no chance. Vera goes to serve Audrey, who has just arrived after a hard morning's work at the salon. At the bar, she bumps into Ken, who is [yes, you guessed it] nursing a drink and reading his paper. "Enjoying your weekend ?", asks Audrey. "Well..." replies Ken, "I've no job, no partner, and no family". "It's wonderful to be satisfied with so little !" replies Audrey.

Elsewhere in the saloon, Alma and Spider drink a toast to Curly, wherever he is. [How ironic in the circumstances.] Alma tells Spider of her awkward interlude with the Inspector in Curly's house. They wonder what to do next. Perhaps they should simply do nothing, wonders Alma. Spider observes that by doing nothing, evil may triumph. [Or something like that - you can tell I have absolutely no background at all in classical literature.]

Back at Hayley's prospective flat, Roy tells her that he thinks the agent is pressurising her into making an offer for the place. She doesn't want to make any hasty decisions, and tells the agent she will definitely... think about it over the weekend and call him on Monday morning. As they leave, Hayley quietly tells Roy that she's not as daft as he seems to think she is.

Natalie and Sophie are crossing the street when they meet Sally and Greg. Sally loses control, demanding to know what *she* is doing with *her* daughter. Natalie tells her she is simply doing Kevin a favour by looking after Sophie for a few hours. "She should be with me !", exclaims Sally. "Fine", says Natalie, and turns to go. Who should rush in at this point but R Kevin. Natalie tells him that his wife is looking after Sophie now. Kevin and Sally embark on a big row in front of Natalie and Greg, and a tug of war ensues with poor little Sophie playing the human rope. This comes to an end when Greg holds Sally back. [He muttered something about it being best left as it is...] Sally looks tearful.

Jim, meanwhile, has told Liz about Fiona's bombshell. She can hardly believe it. Jim wants to know if she already knew, but was keeping quiet to protect her son. No, she really had no idea. Liz can't quite get her head around the idea, "he's our son, sons don't go round trying to kill their fathers !". [Liz obviously doesn't read *anything*, it's common knowledge that most murders aren't committed by strangers, and family disputes are high up on the lists of motives. Mind you, Liz obviously hasn't been paying much attention to the fashion pages either, judging by her shockingly tasteless brown top.]

Hayley and Roy arrive in the Rovers, and simultaneously ask for a pineapple juice and an orange juice. [Do couples say virtually the same thing at the same time ? I can't remember, if it's true. These days it's: "you get the drinks", "no, *you* get them", "YOU DO IT !!"....] Behind them, Martin and Gail argue over other people's problems. [Guess whose ?] Gail won't listen to Martin, cos he's Kevin's mate. Roy asks if they can join the pair of them. "I think someone should", says Martin. Gail asks how the house- hunting went. Hayley confides that she isn't going to take the flat after all. She was glad Roy was there, to keep her feet on the ground. "That's what I'm here for", says Roy. Everyone grins. [Awwww...]

Alma and Spider are still a bit stuck for ideas on helping Curly. How about they tackle the problem from the other end ? Anne Malone ! But she's away as well... Oh well, says Alma, that gives them a week to come up with a plan. Judging by the blank looks that ensue, a year and a week won't be enough.

Kevin is rushing about the house trying to get the girls' tea sorted. Natalie has arrived, to apologise for the little scene earlier. Kevin maintains he won't let Sally see the girls. "Why not - don't you remember what it was like when you moved in with me ?, asks Natalie. Kevin persists that that was different. "Really ?", says Natalie.

Liz arrives in the salon, to have a word with Fiona. She waits until the last customer has left, and a full scale slanging match ensues. She accuses Fiona of wanting to destroy both Steve and his Dad. Get out, says Fiona, and opens the salon door. "I'm right, aren't I ?", sneers Liz. Fiona tells her to get back to her pathetic little family. [It's a pathetic little scene, with not much to commend it.]

There is a knock at Greg's door. It's Kevin, come to see Sally. He has changed his mind - Sally can see the girls whenever convenient. She is overjoyed. Can she see have them over tomorrow night ? No problem. Ooh, Greg, it's all working out now, ooh, lovely, ooh we can all get to know one another properly, ooh, ooh. Hug hug. [Kevin left halfway through, and we should have done likewise.]

This episode was written by Peter Whalley.

Ah, well I feel a little more lively now I've finished. [Sorry about the miserable tone of the introduction - not a lot of time, and not a lot to write home about, as it were.] Mind you, it can't be enthusiasm for this episode because it wasn't much of an episode at all. If it wasn't for the very wonderful Roy and Hayley, and Audrey's witty little quip about Ken's empty life, I might have plumbed new depths and gone for the lone star.

As it is, here's a bonus point:

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **

See you again soon.

John

Monday 21 September

Well, it's Monday once more which means my turn again to deliver the goods... And delivered they shall be, unlike last week where a series of disasters prevented me from doing anything short of banging my head against the wall (which incidentally burns up 150 calories an hour, I'm told...). Thankfully I was able to forc... err... coerce a kind-hearted stand-in into filling the position nicely but nonetheless I endeavour to make up for being so darn disorganised by actually getting this Update out on time! So, cutting out further witterings, I'll get on with the task at hand.

So where do we start? Guess... No, go on, guess... Yup, that's right. We start the show in Blandford's flat (again!) where Sally is pushing a vacuum around like a woman possessed while His Blandness sits, getting irritated by the racket and asks if she can do it another time. Sally is visibly heading for a nervous breakdown, I have to say. As she frantically moves the vacuum back and forth across the carpet, grinning maniacally, she enthusiastically tells Greg that there's no time to waste since she's picking the girls up from school this afternoon and has to work between now and then. Greg fears it's a wasted effort since kids will only "trash the place" anyway, but Sally (still grinning like she's got half a grapefruit imprisoned in her mouth) gushes "My kids aren't football hooligans you know" in that oh-so-irritating sing-songy voice that we've become unwillingly accustomed to, in the last month or so. When she flaps her arms about and witters "Ooh, go on, tidy yer CD's away", we could easily be led to believe that Greg is her son, not her lover which further enforces the point that this is a match made in Hell. I give 'em two weeks before it all falls apart. The Gruesome One engages Smarm Mode: ON and oozes forth the suggestion that Sally should stop tidying up and just let the girls see the place as it normally is (What? A bit like a messy looking student flat?) and Sally reluctantly agrees, adding that she's only going to such lengths to make things "nice" and to ensure the children "enjoy being here". Greg says reassuringly "They will", proving his career as a Clairvoyant to be about as hopeful as his acting one.

Over t'road at The MacDonald's, Jim and Liz are trying to come to terms with Fiona's shocking revelation. Liz is trying desperately to defend Steve (easy for her, she's not the one paralysed from the waist down!) but naturally Jim is still fuming. The Irate Irishman sneers sarcastically "Oh, so maybe I should just chalk it up to experience", but it's lost on Liz who suggests that's all he *can* do. Voices are raised as Jim makes no secret of how angry he is, asking the Frizzy One how she can be so sure that Steve didn't mean it and frustrating himself by imagining the worst ("I could have been walking away from him! I could have had my back turned!" he growls) so as Liz stutters "But Fiona said..." he cuts her off instantly and attests that Steve probably lied to *her* as well. A very well played scene all round, IMO, ending with Liz, the desperate mother, pleading with Jim to bear in mind how Steve looked after him so well after the accident but Jim (quite rightly) snarling that it was simply out of guilt and he never really gave a damn. As she departs silently for work, Michael The Occupational Therapist arrives at the door, all bright and chirpy. At the risk of offending his many admirers on the 'net, I have to admit that the more I see of this guy the more he reminds me of Tony Hart's "Morph"... with a wig. (If you're not sad enough to remember "Morph", don't worry... It's probably best that way... ;))

Silly Sally, meanwhile, is over at the cafe, gushing in a strangely unnatural way to Gail about how Kevin is letting her have the gurrrls for the night. Gail is concerned that it'll be rather cramped in Greg's flat with all four of them, but Sally insists (still gushing) that this will only persuade Greg that they need to get a bigger place, asap! She may as well be walking around wearing a sandwich board with "DELUSIONAL" painted across the front and "GULLIBLE" on the back. She continues to voice her plan to move a bit further afield, insisting it wouldn't do any harm to "put some space" between her and Kevin, before quickly adding on the end "once I've got custody of the kids, which I should have by then".

Des enters the cafe and is grabbed by Jack who sits him down at a table before he even so much as has chance to order his bacon buttie. Of course we all know what's on The Dubious Duckworth's mind. A horse of course! His voice lowers to a throaty whisper as he moves his head closer to Des', informing him that he's come into a bit of money from selling his and Vera's half of the Rovers. He wants to "splash out" a bit and break his image of being a "few bob here, few bob there" gambler and lets Des in on the secret that he is thinking of betting a thousand pounds on a horse, before asking The Blemished Bookie for "advice"! Des suggests a building society (arf arf!) and as Jack gets increasingly wound up he finally owns up that he's just looking for a Bookie's Tip. "I won't say it", says Des, dryly, "because it'll only sound sanctimonious" before leaving a frustrated Jack to finish his cuppa alone.

In the Factory, as this is going on, Sally and Janice are sharing some chocolates. Sally is still wibbling and smiling as she flags down Blandford, while he passes by, to remind him she'll be leaving early to pick the girls up. Naturally, Janice takes this opportunity to have a jibe at her Gruesome Stepson and says that if it were *her* wanting to leave early, there'd be no chance before launching into a hilarious tirade about how hopeless he's bound to be with kids. "Greg?" she asks, dripping with prime sarcasm, "You ever *seen* any kids? They're those little things with mucky knees" but His Blandness ignores her. "They lay these sticky fingerprints everywhere" she continues, "so you wanna watch that posh suit!" At this point, Blandford, realising he's been rumbled and would *never* be caught dead in something someone might deem as "posh", for fear it may lay waste to his Oxfam Chic, scarpers off to change quickly into something more brown. Silly Sally has been laughing throughout all of this but as Janice asks, rhetorically, "You think I'm joking?" that stupid smile *finally* drops a little from Sally's face for a rare moment of complacence.

The other half of those Woeful Websters is nursing his pint over at the Rovers, telling Natalie, mournfully, that he's letting Sal have the kids for the night. Natalie wonders how they'll get on in that "pokey flat". Audreh Roberts is eavedropping nearby but thankfully before she says anything *too* tactless, the priceless Fred Elliot enters, buys her a drink, orders a glass of his "usual tincture" and sits them both down at a table. Well, well, well, as if seeing Des wasn't enough, here's *another* long lost soul. Who should be sitting at their table of choice but RAshley! Audreh starts to question Fred about the meal he's taking her for tonight but Fred, looking a bit nervous, now busies himself trying to get rid of his nephew before his intentions are rumbled. It's unsuccessful as a giggling Ashley instantly realises what's going on and asks nonchalantly "You two going for a meal together then?" Fred's response? A typically indignant (not to mention loud) "Mrs Roberts has kindly offered to meet me, in her capacity as councillor, to discuss one or two matters" which does little to convince a bemused Ashley who wanders aloud if Alf knows. Fred bellows like a foghorn "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT CASTING ASPERSIONS!!" before adding "Kids today, they've got minds full of filth, I SAY, minds like sewers!!!" Ahhhh, isn't it great to have Fred back on top form? Love it! What a star.

Back at the bar, Kevin gets a call on his mobile. Ut oh! Rosie has been sick at school! It must be... BAKED BEAN WITHDRAWAL! Or maybe her hands were dirty and she was overcome with nausea at the realisation that she'd been 30 seconds without washing them! Either way, Kevin woefully informs Natalie that he's going to take the afternoon off and go pick her up early before sulking his way out of the pub. In his desperation to "protect" the kids from Sally he's obviously taken on far more than he can handle and it seems it's finally getting to him. As he walks out, the camera moves over to Liz and Janice, who are ordering drinks. Janice adjourns to "t'bog", as she most eloquently puts it, and before you can even blink, Michael The Occupational Therapist (as he may forever be known...) springs up from outta nowhere and grabs Liz's attention. Apparently Jim has told him all about Fiona's shocking news and Michael is seriously concerned that this could set Jim back in his progress. He suggests they help Jim take a "more balanced view of things" and Liz offers, wryly, to "teach a few pigs to fly" while she's at it...

Cadaver Boy pulls up outside the MacDonald household in the Hearse-Mobile and stumbles around a bit looking for fresh human brains to devour. Unfortunately, he's looking in the direction of The Salon and, realising he won't find any human life (let alone brains!) in there, he enters The House Of Mac where his furious father is waiting for him. Steve makes small-talk with himself and grabs a beer whilst Jim simply stares forward, menacingly. The penny finally drops as Googly Eyes realises something is amiss:

"What're you looking at me like that for?"

"Supposing I told you that my memory of what happened on the scaff- holding that day had come back..." begins Jim slowly.. and as Steve stutters and half-smiles, he continues "...Do you think the police would be interested?" ... Long Pause... "I said, do you think the police would be interested in what happened?"

*gulp*

END OF PART ONE

The ad break is predictably somewhat tedious. There's a rather amusing (ok, well, *I* had a giggle) advert for TESCO featuring Julie Walters and the luscious Jane Horrocks doing their old, but inexplicably still funny, mother/daughter act. It also features a 3 foot long trout, which is always a treat, so this one wins the Ad Of The Week Award and truimphs over the rest of the tosh that once again consists mostly of boring, unattractively plastic fashion models telling us how good their make-up is and freckle-faced, bowl-haired kids persuading parents nationwide to buy the most unhealthy and expensive junk food available. Bleh... But anyway, all that aside, let's head back to the show, where it's all systems GO at the MacDonald House:

PART TWO

Wow, it feels just like old times as the volume is turned down on the telly for some premium shouting matches. "DON'T LIE! YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" screams Jim and Steve, clutching his leather jacket, nervously, tries feebly to deny everything. As Jim furiously berates his son with all the accusations in the book, Steve tries to persuade him that his memory is on the blink, he must be remembering things wrong and if he goes to the police they'll just laugh at him because his mind is "playing tricks" on him. So Jim drops the bombshell:

"Never mind my memory. Nothing came back to me. Fiona told me... And if that's not evidence, then GOD knows what is!" he snarls through gritted teeth and flaring nostrils.

As Steve attempts to persuade him that Fiona is just doing this to spite them, as a form of revenge, Liz rushes in and tries to placate her fuming ex-husband by saying, meekly, "I don't think he meant to d..." before being cut off by the (frankly, rather unexpected) "WELL I THINK HE BLOODY WELL DID!" Things take a vast turn for the worst as Steve yells "Even if I had done, it's what anyone would have done with some DRUNKEN IDIOT coming up to them and starting!!" which leads Jim to threaten him with physical violence ("If I wasn't in this chair, I'd rip your head off, so help me God!") before attesting he's definately telling the police. Steve flips and as he storms out, more googly-eyed than ever, he growls "I tell you what... if I'd wanted to do it, I'd have finished the job... The state you were in... I'd have done it just like that" before snapping his fingers and leaving... I tell you, it doesn't take much to act Simon Gregson off the screen (Hell, the furniture does it in most scenes) but Charles Lawson gave one *furious* performance in this scene. Maybe it's just been too many months since we had a *decent* MacDonald Row (TM) but I thought this was a damn solid scene.

Above the Salon, Fiona's mother has come to help her out with Morgue-an, err, Morgan, who has apparently being crying. In fact, Fi has some runny make-up herself which indicates she's been giving it a bit of a blubber as well. Mum gives her a big hug and asks what the matter is, as Fiona breaks down and is lost for words. What *could* have being an emotional scene is wrecked by the Muppet's complete inability to act. *SIGH*

So that brief interval aside, we go from a Tour De Force to a Tour De Farce, as Vera sits in the back of the Rovers, complaining about her aching legs. "You've got lovely legs" chimes RJack (obviously after something!) and when she says she'd like to "trade them in for some new ones" he insists, unconvincingly, he likes them "just the way they are". As ever with Jack, it's not long before his real intentions are revealed. He starts talking about the thirty grand they have in the bank and suggests that it would be a really good idea if they both took a thousand pounds out, each, for the time being to just "blow it, have a good time, have a holiday!" (translation from Duckworth to English: "Bet it on a horse!") or even "buy a new suite for in 'ere", an idea which starts to slowly appeal to V. She's sold for all of two seconds, however, and implicitly sighs "It's soon gone once you start dipping into it..." before adding a more slightly more explicit "They'll come a time when we'll need that money, all of it!" and marking the matter closed.

With that light relief over it's back to the grind now as Sally pounds on Kevin's door, Surphie in hand, wondering why he didn't call her to let her know about Rursie's sickness. Apparently they'd been waiting at the school gates for 20 minutes. Kevin isn't interested in their plight and launches into Sal, claiming Rursie was asleep until she came banging on the door like that and telling her the reason he didn't call her at the factory was that he "didn't want to have to talk to lover-boy". It's a bit sad, IMO.. If it wasn't for the fact that Kevin had gone off with Natalie, and was currently Mr Pot Boiling The Kettle Black like you wouldn't believe, his portrayal of a jilted husband would probably be quite touching. As it stands though, he just looks like a meatheaded hypocrite. Anyway, reluctantly, Sally admits Rursie's probably better off staying at Kev's while she's ill and even more reluctantly, he lets her in for a quick visit.

Fiona's mum is still over at the flat above the salon and trying to persuade her daughter to come back home and move away from Coronation Street, if only for a little while. "Get away from those MacDonald's... and Maxine" she says, "And that bunch of venomous types on the internet who continually berate you for your inability to show any emotion in your acting"... Err, ok I made that last bit up, but it's still true, damnit. Fi sulks "But I've got so many friends here" which is an out-and-out lie since I don't really recall Fiona 'bonding' with anyone except Max, The MacDonalds and at a real push, Audrey. She's just too much of a moody cow to be one of the Street's social movers and shakers. Well, anyway, Mum suggests it's best she cuts her losses, sells the salon and is rid of the place, regardless of these mythical "friends" of her's and Fiona considers it...

Disaster strikes, meanwhile, over at Blandford's pad. The TV is blaring like an air raid siren as Sally plays a mean, turbo-paced patty-cake with Surphie. Blandford, who's trying to work on his laptop computer, is seriously unimpressed by the racket and, in between twitches, asks "Isn't that a bit loud??".. In reference to the telly and not his appalling green shirt, I should add... Sally giggly refers to him as "Grumpy Uncle Greg" and asks if he's going to move his PC while she "sets the table", obviously wasting no time in returning to her maniacally obsessive tea- making schemes. She insists that Greg plays with Surphie while she puts the tea on but Greg seems reluctant... Even more so when, upon asking Surphie what she did at school, the little tyke refuses to answer and just looks wide-eyed, smiley and almost sickeningly cutesy... No scratch the "almost". This kid is seriously too 'cutesy' for television. Oh, and then she goes and spills a glass of something fizzy and sugary all over the table. Whoopsie! "Grumpy Uncle Greg" starts yelling and going wild over this, worried it might have gone all over his PC and his floppy disks (wouldn't want to wipe his alt.cheap-suits.brown archive, eh???) before cracking completely, snatching the remote control from Surphie, turning off the video and just generally throwing a bit of a wobbler... Which prompts the predictable sob-fits from the poor litte girl who is totally lost as to what this weirdo in a horrible green shirt is doing with her mummy. Sally starts crying hysterically too and hugs her daughter, in a vain attempt to comfort her and indeed perhaps comfort herself...

Jim, on the other hand, is past his ranting period and has now gotten all inward and moody. He sits in his wheelchair, clutching a can of lager (lager??? I thought he was Irish! ;)) and tells Liz wearily he wasn't ever really intending to go to the police. Jim wonders aloud why Steve lied for such a long time and the only explanation he's offered is the simple "Because he's like that, int he?" which I suppose, to an extent, is true. Liz starts to sob and tells him that both her and Michael really hope that this horrible situation won't set Jim back in his progress... Jim informs her on the contrary that it's made him "more determined than ever to get out of this damn thing... You watch me".

As Kevin stuffs a bunch of laundry into the washing machine, Sal knocks on his door, Surphie in tow. She claims "I've brought her back because she was missing Rursie" in an attempt to keep her pride intact but then adds the ultimately humiliating statement "She's not had any tea" (I swear, I'm *not* making this up!). Kev sends the unfed one upstairs to see Rursie as Sal suggests "perhaps another time, eh? When they're both up to it" with more than a hint of sadness in her voice. From the ridiculous high she'd been on at the start of this episode to where she was now.. that's *some* fall and it's obvious that it's brought a few home truths to light for her as she walks down the street and breaks down crying, perhaps realising her lover of choice is not quite the man she dreamed he'd be... (God, at long last!!!)

Across the street, Fiona is saying g'bye to her mum as Googly Eyes comes racing round the corner yelling "OI!" and interrogating Fiona in full view of the world about what she told Jim. "Now he's going to go to the police, you vindictive cow!" he rants and as Fiona explains why she did it ("He was going on about how wonderful you are, I thought I'd tell him the truth" *ouch* Good line, sadly delivered with even less emotion than the 3 foot trout in the TESCO advert...) he calls her a "stupid bitch" then threatens "I'll be seeing you", maliciously, before vanishing into the Rovers. You know, I would feel sorry for Fiona, the character, if only she was portrayed a little more lovingly by Ms Griffin, but the wooden 'moody' look that is permanently affixed to her face does nothing to help one's sympathetic side.

Back at The Gruesome One's place, Sally returns home and seats herself, somewhat appropriately, beneath his "Briefcase Full Of Blues" poster. She's in a state of utter despair and, breaking down in tears once more, admits that her girls are "going through a really bad time and it's all my fault!" before adding, hysterically, "I can't even be with my little girl when she's poorly". Greg tries to calm her with a feeble and badly delivered "I shouldn't've shouted" but it's no use since she accuses him (rightfully) of not making an effort at all to even so much as talk to Surphie. It seems, at last, the penny is dropping: "I wanted it to be so nice for them, for all of us... but it's turned into a disaster" she weeps.

The episode ends with Fiona's mum laying it on thick about how Fi shouldn't stay in Weatherfield with "those MacDonalds" on the loose and that Morgan shouldn't bear witness to such scenes as the recent shouting match in the middle of the Street. It seems her daughter is being won over, as the Incredible Sulk ((C) Mike Plowman!) stares at the ground and mumbles: "You're right, I've had enough.. I'm gonna sell the salon and settle somewhere else. I don't need this. I'm getting out of here!" I'm sure it wasn't just me who almost *sang* the words "Good riddance" at this point. :)

This Episode was written by Sally Wainwright and, to be honest, wasn't half bad. It certainly could have been better by quite a long shot (more humour please!) but is showing a slow, marked improvement from the rushed shows we'd been suffering lately due (possibly?) to Kev Kennedy's unexpected departure. Aside from the obvious brilliance of Fred, Charles Lawson stole the rest of the show, acting-wise, and while, yes, we've seen him shout and bawl a few million times, tonight was one of those times where he did it really convincingly. Also, it was deliciously nice in an almost-guilty kind of way to see Sally finally realise that Gruesome Greg is a prat and a half and that she's made one almighty mistake.

All in all, nice one! 'Til Next Time! :)

This Monday Update was sponsored by Inertia (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking).

Wednesday 23 September

Friday 25 September

Hiya folks!!!! ... Sunday again and time for another update.... The countdown to Blackpool has really started and, a week, from now, it will all be over, bar the shouting... the memories, though, will linger on, for what promises to be a superb event. Excitement is now building up and a number of unofficial events will be taking place over the coming week.

On a personal note, we went to the theatre last night to see Willy Russell's "Blood Brothers" - a wonderful night out, only marred by the quality of the seating. At 5'9", I am hardy a tall guy, but the seating left my legs in agony for much of the performance at the Tameside Hippodrome in Ashton-under-Lyne. Still, that apart a great story, well done, with an excellent performance by Bernie Nolan, who was a member of the Nolan Sisters, a female vocal group who had some chart success in the late 70s and early 80s. That followed by a meal at a local Indian Restaurant and tuning in to CHFI for their Saturday Oldies show, while being back on the IRC channel, rounded off the evening superbly.

The episode commences with Jack making his way into the Building Society. He has his pass book in hand, plus the form, signed by Vera, authorising them to change the account to a single signatory basis. He hands both over to the cashier and asks for a thousand pounds in cash. The cashier duly obliges and we see a happy Jack leaving the Society with money safely in his hands... if "safely" is the right word to use, that is....

At the salon, Audrey is giving Fiona her leaving present. Fee tells her that she is going to miss her. Audrey offers to look after Morgan for the last time to enable Fiona to pack. As she hands him over, Fiona asks Audrey to confirm that she will be able to raise the finance to buy the salon. She says that she has sold the place at a bargain price and Audrey agrees. Audrey reassures her that she will not let Fiona down and won't keep her dangling. Unspoken, are the crossed fingers accompanying the statement.

At McBurger house, Jim's physio, Michael, lets himself in. "Anyone in?" he asks. Jim's retort is caustic "Well, that's a particularly daft question, Michael, don't you think? So, social visit or what?" Michael tells him he was passing and has popped in to see how Jim is. "You mean, now that I've kicked me son out?", replies Jim. When Michael expresses his regrets on recent events, Jim tells him not to apologise - he isn't sorry. He ponders on the fact that its not that long ago, he had a family, to give him something to live for. Michael points out that Jim still has Liz and that she will help him pull through. "What makes you say that?" asks Jim. Michael puts it down to instinct and remarks on her being a very strong woman, without her things might be a lot worse. "Do you reckon?" is Jim's riposte.

Back at Underworld, it's tea time and Liz has got the brew sorted out. They have no biccies and she asks for a volunteer to get some from the shop - Sally steps forward. When she has gone, they get down to gossiping about Kevin and Greg's brawl in the street. Greg is in the back office, realising they are talking about him. Janice gives the girls a blow by blow account of the scrap and Liz remarks on how Sally hasn't said a word all morning. They comment on how it's not right for the children to be witnessing such scenes. As they are busy gossiping, Greg pops his head round the door to break up the chat. He tells them that he knows what they were talking about - they maintain they were discussing women's underwear, its ups and downs! Greg departs to the sounds of raucous laughter and a raspberry from the girls.

At the Rovers, Jack is just cleaning the pumps prior to going out for the day. When Des comes in, Jack serves him and takes the opportunity of getting Des' expert opinion of betting on greyhounds. Des tells him it's a mug's game as it is difficult to make sense of form. Jack tries to probe as to whether there is any advantage to a dog being on the inside, rather than the outside track. Des tells him that to beat the bookies you need nerves of steel (to find a system and stick to it) and loads of cash - enough to carry on when you are losing! Jack clearly has that sussed.

Sally sees Kevin working on a car at the Garage and comes over to tell him that she hopes he is ashamed of himself, after the public brawl with Greg. He tells her that he doesn't like anyone making a mug of him - he's the kids' father, not a baby sitter. Sally retorts how he is so responsible that he doesn't care what impression he makes on the children. She says these sorts of episodes leave a lasting effect and accuses him of conducting a point scoring exercise, using the children to get at her and Greg. Kevin gets rattled at this suggestion and tells her that, in that case, her services will no longer be required - in the future, he will arrange for a child minder and tells her to stay away from the kids. We see a crestfallen Sally, who realises that the outburst has had an unpredicted effect.

Back at the Salon, Audrey has been waiting for Fred to pop in to look over the salon and pass his opinion. When he shows his face, Audrey tells Fiona that Fred is her business adviser and she has asked him for his opinion. "Pies or perms, it's all one and t'same" is his considered view. Audrey asks Fiona if it is OK for Fred to look around and reassures her that they will not wake up Morgan, whereupon Fred bellows "tippy-toes"!!!

Maxine comes into the Salon with a gift for Fiona. She tearfully expresses her regrets at what has happened, but Fiona is reluctant to let bygones be bygones. She refuses Maxine's olive branch and gives Maxine her gift back, telling her that there will probably be many more occasions that she will need the gift. This snub hurts Maxine who leaves the salon in floods of tears.

At the betting office, Jack has bumped into Martin. Jack has placed a bet on a dog. He clearly has a system to which he is working and is telling Martin that it cannot fail....

At the Kabin, Leanne is telling Rita about Greg and Kevin's brawl and how Sophie saw it all and was terrified. Rita is shocked at this news. She is concerned that if Kevin and Sally carry on like this, the children will end up in care. She sees it as her duty to do more than just stand by and watch and storms out of the shop to give Sally a piece of her mind.

At the pub, Liz has bumped into Michael, who tells her that he has been discussing any subject with Jim, other than Steve. Liz agrees the difficulty of the current situation and opines that the episode has set Jim back mentally. Mike buys her a drink, a "red wine"......wooohooo, watch out!!!

Back at the betting office, Jack is giving Martin his expert views on greyhound betting and they settle down to watch another race. They cheers on the dog, as, much to his pleasure, Jack comes up with a winner. As a true professional, he is not about to lose his head and views the exercise as one of "taking candy from a baby". We see him placing another bet.....

Rita has called round at Sally's to have a word and she is in no mood for messing about - she doesn't mind whether it is in public or in private. Sally invites her in. Janice has been viewing events outside and is clearly dying to know what is going on....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for thee nd of part 1

After the ads, it's Part 2
The second part of the programme commences back at the betting office. Jack has placed a large bet on the next race and is convinced about the infallibility of his system. There can only be one loser in his eyes, him behind the counter. The race starts and goes sadly wrong as Jack's winner fails to materialise. Jack is blind to the fact that he is losing heavily and, needs to continue with his system. He is short of the necessary funds to place his bet and asks Martin to lend him the £80 he needs to place his £640 bet, he has his eye on a potential £10,000 win.... Martin has not enough money, but enough sense to refuse Jack, whereupon said Duckworth ponders on his predicament and scuttles out of the bookies.....

Rita is having her heart to heart with Sally and asks whether the rumours she has heard are actually true. She is disgusted with the brawl and the carryings on. Sally disclaims all responsibility for what has happened, pinning the blame firmly on Kevin, as he started it. Rita is having none of it. To her it is irrelevant as to who started it or why, what bothers her is what it is doing to the girls. She asks Sally whether she has thought what it must be doing to the girls, them seeing her spending all her time with another man. Sally accuses her of being prejudiced against Greg and says that Rita doesn't even know him. Rita's reply is that she doesn't need to know him, she can tells what sort of person he is. This angers Sally, who accuses Rita sarcastically "Oh, and you're a good judge of folk, are ya?" When Rita replies that she thinks she is, Sally accuses her of having a cheek, lecturing her on what's right or wrong with her track record. All the bitter issues of the past start pouring out, as Sally tells her that she could have told Rita what she thought of Alan Bradley, but she didn't, because it was none of her business. Anyway, even if she had done so, she would have been sent home with a flea in her ear. She tells Rita to get out and leave and to mind her own business. Rita's parting shot is that Sally is making a big mistake but Sally isn't listening. She asks Sally whether she is sure of Greg, to throw everything up for him - what will she do when she has no friends left?

At the bookies, Martin has come up with a winner and is collecting his money from the cashiers. £21.40 to boot!! Jack has just realised that he has missed the bet. Having considered the odds of the dog winning two races in a row, he decides not to bother... only to find the dog winning after all. £10,000 that's what they would have won! He has lost just short of £1200, devastating, he says. Martin offers to by a drink to help him drown his sorrows.

At the Café, Gail is telling Roy that if he lives to be a hundred, he will never pluck up the courage and then it'll be too late. He says she is wrong - he has decided to ask Hayley. We see Hayley suddenly getting up to leave which prompts Gail to remark that Roy has missed his chance again. Roy quickly intervenes to tell Hayley he'd like a word - Gail offers to make herself scarce, but Roy insists that it will only take two minutes. "No, it'll take twenty two" retorts Gail.

Roy tells Hayley he has been "thinking about your current situation and the inherent difficulty of finding a suitable place." Hayley shows frustration in her facial expression, telling him that she is doing her best. Roy recognises this and tells her he sympathises with her predicament, "so, er... why don't you move in, upstairs?" he asks her.

"Your place?" is her disbelieving reply. "You'd be very welcome" he replies. "Are you sure that's what you want" queries Hayley. "You'd be no inconvenience" is his reply. Hayley tells him she'd like that if he would. He tells her that it is clearly going to be some time before she can find a suitable place, so until then "my place is your place." Hayley looks delighted with the outcome.... But with Roy's shyness and awkwardness, it is unclear whether it is a temporary measure or something more permanent.

At the pub, Fred is talking to Audrey about the salon and is saying it needs to be considered carefully. Audrey points out that Fiona wants a decision soon. Fred says that, despite that, there's the books to peruse and the finance to discuss. When Audrey says that she had hoped he would have been able to come to a decision seeing the place, Fred's reply is that this calls for a working dinner, "momentous decisions should only be made over a good meal and fine wine. Shall I book a table at th-Imperial?" When she says that things do need to be finalised, he confirms that it'll be sorted tomorrow, he'll be in touch first thing. Audrey expresses her appreciation of Fred's help - Alfie just leaves her to her own devices, she tells him. "I think he's a very foolish man. If you were my wife, I'd give you my undivided attention. You'd be up there, on a pedestal, pride of place alongside my other trophies... Specialist Sausage, Northern Area Champion, three years running and I can't say fairer than that, I say, I can't say fairer than that." What a star!!!!! Where's Greggy, we cry???

Jack and Martin have returned to the Rovers, Jack looking worse for wear. Vera asks whether they had a good time, but Martin tells her that Jack doesn't feel very well. She asks whether they have been together all afternoon and accuses Martin of being a bad influence, saying that Jack had not intended having a drink on his day out. She lays into Martin telling him she is surprised at Martin, him being a nurse, he really ought to know better. Angered by these false accusations, Martin is about to spill the beans on what actually happened, but Jack interrupts him, saying that he just feels a bit rough and needs to go back to bed. Martin's parting shot is "I think he is just dog tired" but the subtlety of this is wasted on Vera, fortunately for Jack.

At the salon, Fiona is getting ready to leave. Her mother is with her. She hopes that she isn't having second thoughts and that she has been not influenced by her - it has to be Fiona's decision, she tells her daughter. Fee is adamant - there is nothing left for her in Weatherfield. Looking out of the front window, she tells her mother she will miss the neon sign "Hair by Fiona Middleton" - she ponders on her success at such an early age. She thought she had it made. Her mother offers her the support she will need. Fi is all wistful, saying how she was trying to prove her mother wrong about Steve, but he wouldn't let her. That was her big mistake, she gave him far too many chances. Tearfully, Fiona tells her mother that she is going to lock up, give the keys to Audrey and they will then be on their way.

In the pub, Steve is buying a drink - Maxine sees him at the bar and trades an insult. Audrey, noticing Steve at the bar, tells Fred she needs to pop out - she is supposed to be meeting Fiona in the Rovers, but with Steve around, that is hardly a good idea. Just as she does so, Fiona comes in to hand over the keys to Audrey. She seems embarrassed and wants to beat a hasty retreat. Vera has a leaving present for her - something for her little lad - Audrey steps in to help Fiona and takes the present on her behalf, as Fiona leaves the pub. Maxine comes over to plead with Fiona for the last time, but Fiona is adamant.. she doesn't want a scene in front of Steve. When Maxine begs for Fiona to make it up with her, Fiona's response is damning.... "make it up with Steve, you deserve each other" and after some very quick goodbyes, she departs from the pub.

Outside she gets into the passenger seat of her mother's car.. Steve rushes out calling after her. Audrey tells him to leave her as she has made her decision, whereupon Fiona tells her mother to make a move... the car starts and pulls away... as Audrey says "do you know, I hope you are proud of yourself" to Steve, we see him looking after her, realising that he has blown it.....and with that.... ... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Phil Woods

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? Thankfully the Fiona story comes to an end, as Muppet departs from the series. End comment.

Not a scintillating episode really, the best moments being provided by Fred and Audrey, who are a comic duo par excellence, and Roy and Hayley with a wonderful little exchange handled perfectly, the right mix of shyness and embarrassment.

All in all, nothing special.... at least we won't have to watch Ms Middleton again.... pity the cull couldn't be extended to a few others ....

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan (ICQ UIN 10440270)

Sunday 27 September

Time waits for no man, they say. Boy, it's not hanging around for me, that's for sure. It seems only yesterday we were new parents for the first time, and literally yesterday we were visiting the local High School in advance of No 1 son's arrival there next year. He's too little, he's our baby...

The school took me back. It seemed very much like the secondary school [yeah, alright it was a comp - snobs!] I attended tum-te-tum years ago, hard lino floors and regulation flaking blue paint everywhere. I did notice that today's kids [actually they're now students] have padlocks on their lockers. We didn't need any - who'd want to nick your PE kit that hadn't seen a washing machine for a term ? I expect there's more valuable stuff inside now, like mobile phones and crack. [Smacks hand, be positive, be positive !] There was an odd sense of perspective about it, though. I'd thought it would seem small now, as I was little then and most large buildings would have seemed bigger, but instead the school was *huge*. Corridors and rooms and outbuildings in every direction. [Our son is hopeless - he'll be lucky to find the right classroom on time more than twice in the first week.] On the plus side, the teachers looked like, well, teachers. [Okay, maybe a *bit* younger. Not as young as policemen.]

So, from this old farty, let's remove the rose-tinted spectacles and focus on the rather more immediate past, to wit, Sunday's episode of everyone's favourite soap.

Act 1
The curtain rises on an outdoor shot of Jack, coming out of the Kabin, reading a paper. [I was about to say it must be the Sporting Life, but I read somewhere that that esteemed publication has closed down. Sign of a very misspent term at Uni that I know about the Sporting Life...] He walks past Audreh and Alfeh, who are having a tete-a-tete about the idea of buying the salon. Audreh thinks it is an excellent investment, and Alf agrees that their [read: his] money *should* be invested well. But as far as he's concerned, that's why it's in the bank, and that's where it's going to stay. Audrey asks him outright if he is going to put up the money for the salon, and he says no. She gets out of the car and goes off in a huff.

Kevin is getting the girls into his van. Sally sees them, and rushes over to say "hello" and to give them a kiss. Kevin informs her there is no time, and Sally has to make do with a half-smile through the window at Sophie. [Rosie is not to be seen all night, in fact. She's there in spirit, though.]

With no further ado, we head for the epicentre of the Street, to find Jack and Vera in the Rovers discussing how to best approach Alec about getting an agreement on their holiday entitlement, now that they are simply employees. [Or should that be simple employees ?] They agree that 4 weeks a year would be reasonable, perhaps even 5. Jack says he will get in touch with one of his mates, and book 2 weeks in Abersoch in a 2-berth caravan. "Near the toilet block, for you my love", he adds. Vera is underwhelmed. Not a chance, she retorts. They're going somewhere warm, like Tenerife. But that'll cost a packet, replies Jack. "Oh, never mind that, we've plenty of money in the building society, untouched by human hands !". Jack looks guilty. Or as guilty as you can look behind a newspaper which suddenly seems to hold far more interest than talk of holidays.

In the cafe, Roy begs a few minutes off work from Gail. Not more dusting, she asks, the flat must look like an Ideal Home exhibit already. No, he wants to get some flowers, make the place look more welcoming for Hayley. Gail tells him to stop fretting. Mike arrives, for a take-away sandwich. Roy distractedly tries to hand him ham instead of chicken, and Gail tells Mike that Roy's like that because Hayley's moving in. It's sweet, she says. "Is that what you call it ?", replies Mike with one of his twisted scowls. He leaves. "What's up with him ?", wonders Gail. Roy says nothing.

Fred arrives in the salon, newly converted to unisex status, according to Audreh. And they do beauty treatments. But Fred is beyond salvation. However, he lays on the charm and tells Audreh she's in no need of that herself. She tells him Alfeh is being particularly stubborn about putting up the money, and Fred once again offers to help out. "Do you really mean that ?", she asks him. Of this there is no doubt. I said, there is no doubt.

Back to the cafe, and Gail spots a taxi pulling up outside. "It's Hayley !" she squeaks. Flustered, Roy clumsily knocks a few pan lids on the floor. "Steady Roy !", says Gail, getting the door. Hayley comes in with her bags and puts them down. "So, here you are !", says Roy, never a man to be lost for some unnecessary words. The three of them stand there for a few seconds, literally beaming at one another. Roy offers to carry Hayley's bags upstairs. Careful, she says, they're heavy. "Oh let him", says Gail, "men do have their uses". [You don't need to tell me what the look on Hayley's face is, do you ?] Hayley opens the flat door for Roy, and they shuffle off upstairs. [Throughout this scene, one or other of them was carrying a large spoon that Roy had not thought to put down when the taxi arrived. It's little touches like this that make the difference for me.]

By now it must be lunchtime, and where else would you expect to find some factory workers, but in the pub. Janice is talking to Sally when Kevin walks past, and there is an awkward silence. "You'll have to talk to him", advises Janice.

Vera corners Alec, and wants to know about their holiday entitlement. He tries to bluff it out, but Vera reminds him how much time he had off when Rita was ill. Not to be out-done, Betty joins in. Vera tells anyone who'll listen that she's off to Tenerife, and that's that.

Sally remarks to Kevin that the girls are looking "a bit peaky". [Not the best opening gambit in my book !] Kevin retorts that they are both eating properly. [Wow, perhaps Kevin has actually found some real food in the cupboards, hidden away at the back behind the tins of beans and spaghetti !] Sally blunders on. "Have they been outside lately, you know, to the park ?" It's a red rag to a bull, and Kevin lets fly. No, they've not been out much, and does she know why ? Because when he's not been working to support them, he's been cooking, or cleaning. Or any of the other things Sally would normally be doing if she hadn't walked out on her family. She tries to deny this, but of course it's true. Perhaps she could take the gurrls swimming later. Kevin isn't so sure. He still doesn't want them anywhere near Sally, or Greg.

In the flat above the cafe, Hayley is hanging up her admittedly small wardrobe. She remarks to Roy how nice it'll be for them to take more of an interest in what the other is wearing. That's what couples do. [Mrs L is still trying to persuade me that I need more than two pairs of jeans and half a dozen shirts, and in return I still can't fathom why any rational person needs a pair of shoes for each day of the month, and we've been together for 14 years...] Hayley adds that she has really been looking forward to moving in. A lot. She picks a nightie out of her suitcase and remarks that she's bought a new one for the occasion. She tucks it under a pillow, at the same time asking Roy is it's alright if she has the left side of the bed. "We've so much to find out about each other !", she tells him. Roy is on auto-pilot by now - his lips are moving, and words are coming out, but his facial expressions are telling a different story. He's worried.

Intermission
Just for a chance, a few quick words on two of the most inane ads to be seen tonight. The first is our old friends at BT, who of course firmly believe that "it's good to talk !". This time, it's apparently good to get on the phone to your girlfriend how you went A over T on the pavement, after slipping on some dog-shit. No kidding - we see, from the waist up, several people carefully avoiding a pile, and then our hapless hero goes over in it. [Next we can expect to see someone sitting on the throne, cordless phone in hand. Just as long as the "don't forget to wash your hands" message is left in...]

The second ad is for Mobil One engine oil. Judging by the tone of this commercial, put Mobil One in your engine, and get laid.

[Oo-er, I'm starting to sound like Ben Elton. And I haven't got the spangly suit to carry it off !]

Act 2
In the factory, Janice asks Hayley if it's true that she was seen getting out of a taxi and going into Roy's flat, carrying suitcases ? She tells them she's moved in with Roy. Janice can barely contain her delight. [She has one of those really wide mouths, full of teeth, that get full exposure when her broad Lancashire accent comes to the fore. I add this for the delight of a certain big fan of hers.] She tells Hayley that the quiet ones are the ones you have to watch, and adds "I bet that Roy's a right randy little devil !!". "I don't know", replies Hayley, and pauses, before adding "perhaps you'd better ask me tomorrow !". It's too much for Janice and the others, and there is much hilarity and shouts of "tonight's the night !". Hayley looks like a naughty schoolgirl. [And I don't care if it sounds like "Carry On" humour - it's heaps better than the Sally and Greg tonsil-tickling and office desk olympics.] Janice tells Hayley they'll have to meet in the Rovers later and have a few drinks, to get "into the mood for love". She asks Sally if she'll come along, but Sally is miles away. No, she'll not be in later, in fact she's not staying at work at all, she's got something else to do. She tells them Baldwin can stuff his job - she'll not be needing it much longer anyway.

Jack and Alec and Vera have a bit of banter about holidays. Alec tells them it'd be best if they fitted in a break before Christmas, when trade picks up. Vera goes off to phone the travel agent.

Sally is collecting Sophie from the child minder, who wonders where Kevin is. Sally tells her that Kevin's busy, and has asked her to pick up Sophie instead. Sophie [who is really cute, she should be in a Pears commercial] asks if they are going to see Daddy. "Not today", says Sally, "in fact you and Rosie are going to live with me from now on".

Hayley is leaving the Rovers, telling the rest of the girls that she doesn't want to keep Roy waiting any longer. Janice gives her the perennial advice about being good, or if she can't be good, be careful. Giggles all round.

Maxine tells Audrey she's not staying longer herself, and is having an early night. Audreh reminds her to be in bright and early the following morning. [And this isn't the first time she's reminded Ms Dippy about time-keeping, so stay tuned for more sparks in future episodes.]

Kevin bursts in. He spots Janice, and asks her if she has seen Sally. No, she left work early today, no-one knows where she is. "She's taken me kids !", exclaims Kevin. Rita asks him if he's sure. By now, he's ranting at everyone in the bar, telling them his kids are with Sally and her boyfriend. But Janice knows that Greg is away at the moment, anyway. Nevertheless, there's no-one in the flat. Rita persuades Kevin to have a drink before he does anything rash.

Jack is at the bookies again. From the look on his face, another nag has come in last. Martin arrives. [Martin is always conveniently on-hand in the most unlikely places.] He asks if this is another "new system". Yes, says Jack, this one's about staying alive when the missus finds out.

Hayley arrives back at Roy's flat, and apologises for being a little late. She tells him that of course he should feel free to "go out with the lads" in return. Roy reminds her that that's not really his scene. She explains that she felt obliged to go for a drink, after the episode at the factory where it came out that she had moved in with him. The girls had made lots of jokes and rude comments. Roy misses the mark again and supposes that this must have been an upsetting experience, so Hayley has to set him straight again - no, she enjoyed the feeling of being one of the girls. "Well", he says, "to us !", and raises his glass. "It's been quite a day", adds Hayley, "I'm quite tired. How about you ?". They agree that an early night is in order. Hayley goes off to the bathroom first. [Oh dear, Roy doesn't seem to have a lower lip left ! He's chewed it clean off.] Whatever's coming next, Roy's not ready for it.

Jack arrives back, late again, in the pub. He tries to wind Alec up, saying that he'd not be surprised if the holiday offer was retracted. Alec tells him they need a holiday. [Always assuming Jack manages not to gamble away all the money.]

Fred is telling Audreh, over a drink, how a business relationship is "an intimate thing". It'll be up and down, but they'll get by with Audreh's flair and his "hands-on" management. He's getting excited about it already. Audreh, at long last, seems to be catching on to Fred's true meaning.

Kevin is sinking another pint. Martin arrives, and asks if Sally is babysitting. Kevin tells him that she's snatched the kids. "She's gone !" he moans. But Gail has seen them going into Greg's flat. Just Sally and the girls, not Greg. Kevin makes to rush off, but she tells him they're OK where they are. [And at this point, I'm going to be rash and swap the next two scenes about. I wouldn't normally do this with the closing scene, but I really felt the show was spoiled a bit by the order it went out in.] So, without further delay, we find Kevin [obviously having changed his mind] hammering on the door to Greg's flat. Sally opens it, but keeps the chain on, angry that he is making so much noise when the girls are asleep. She tells him *she* is keeping the kids. And if he bangs on the door again, she'll call the police. The door is shut, and Kevin walks away, returns, looks for a moment as if he intends to kick the door in, before turning away again and heading home. Rita looks on, from her window opposite.

[And so to what should have been the closing scene, if only so as not to leave the unpleasant after-taste of Webster vs Webster.]

Hayley emerges from the bathroom in her nightdress. [It's probably big enough to qualify as a nighttent, no disrespect to Hayley/Julie.] She is disappointed to see Roy making up a camp bed in the lounge. "I thought you wanted us to be really... together ?", she asks. Roy replies that she probably thinks he is being old-fashioned. Well, he is. He thinks people ought to get married before, well, all that goes with it. Perhaps he should have mentioned it before, but he'd like them to be married. It's not right is it, he goes on, there should be waves crashing on a beach, and moonlight, not a pokey flat above a cafe. "Anyway, would you do me the honour of becoming...", and then there is a long pause while we wonder if Roy is going to bottle it, "...I think I should be down on one knee... will you marry me ?". Unable to wait for Hayley's reply, Roy goes on to say that she needn't answer straight away, she can take her time to think about it. Hayley tells him it'd be lovely to be married, but they can't. Because of what it says on her birth certificate. They can't get married until there is a change in the law. "I see", says Roy thoughtfully, "do you think we ought to wait for that then - a change in the law ?". "I think we'd have a pretty long wait - marriage, it's just not one of our options". "But it's a lovely thought, thank you". And with that, Hayley has had too much, and she puts her head in her hands and starts to cry. Roy hugs her.

[Now tell me that shouldn't have been followed by the credits !]

This episode was written by John Stephenson.

Pure delight. I hope I've managed to do some justice to tonight's show. And I'm not going to try and dissect it any further. Even the Sally and Kevin stuff was perfectly believable [although obviously Kevin would surely have told the child-minder not to hand over Sophie without his say-so]. Let's hope Julie Hesmondhalgh and David Neilson pick up heaps of awards for their quite brilliant characterisations of Hayley and Roy.

Nevertheless, I can be a hard man when I try, and for that crime of ending the scene with the unsympathetic figure of Kevin banging and shouting, I'm going to deduct half a mark.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****1/2

Just *wait* for the next episode !!

John Laird

Monday 28 September

It's been a *LONG* Tuesday...

Foolishly, I allowed myself to get roped into going to see a concert last night (which, for the frustrating record, was dire) and thus had to get Monday's Corrie videotaped for me. When I finally made it home that night, there was a phonecall waiting for me to tell me how good the episode was. Then... Early the next morning, when I got up and went to collect the tape from my mother's (aka, she who *never* enthuses about the show, no matter how good it is...) even *she* told me that it'd been a fantastic installment. I picked my jaw up and made it to work, whereupon I logged onto USENET, only to find no less than *twenty* messages on RATUCS relating to the Monday episode. In a rare display of Anti-Spoiler Strength, I went the whole day without reading *any* of these threads as a further *ten* messages made it on to my server. I don't think I've seen thirty on-topic threads in a whole week lately, let alone about a single episode so finally the penny dropped that I must have indeed missed a classic. Thus, between the realisation of this (around 9am) and getting home (after 6pm), the hours passed like cement through a sieve, anxiously awaiting the moment where I could finally see what all the fuss was about.

...And pardon the French, but bugger me, was it worth the wait or WOT?

The show opens in Roy's flat at the crack of dawn. Roy is folding up his Z-Bed as Hayley enters, looking somewhat crestfallen and upset, her first night living with her boyfriend having become something of an anti- climax. Roy tries to sound cheerful and remarks on how she's up early, her saddened response being that she couldn't sleep. Apparently neither could he. Hayley says that he should have come through into the bedroom if he was having problems and he admits he nearly did but was frightened of waking her. "I'd rather we talk", she sighs, "than lie awake all night wondering what the other's thinking" to which he asks her what she was thinking about. She confesses, sadly, that she was worrying that she may never make him "truly happy" and was trying to figure out if they've done the right thing by moving in together. He enthuses, reassuringly, that they have, so she asks, simply, "Where do we go from here, then?". Roy is speechless but that famous look on his face shows that his mind is working away at double-speed and, despite having nine hundred and ninety nine words, out of a thousand, ready to say with all the eloquence in the world, he just can't work out the first.

Cut now (involuntarily!) to the schoolyard, where Sally is seeing Surphie into the playground before sneakily accosting a seemingly random female teacher, who happens to be standing outside the gates. "I wonder if I can have a quick word" she begins before informing the Teacher that she and Kevin are seperated. It starts off innocuously enough, with her asking that the teacher keep an eye on the girls, should they show signs of unsettlement, but her real intentions soon become clear. "They're living with me", she says, "but their father isn't too happy about this" and continues, with a tone of nigh-on-psychotic desperation, that if Kevin comes *anywhere near* the school, they should 'phone her at once and she'll be on hand to pick them up. The teacher is visibly too smart to fall for this and asks if Sally has a court order. She confesses that she doesn't and is told, despite protests, that without a legal document there's "nothing that the school can do". The camera pans round in contrived Hollywood-Stylee and Sally says aside, in a gritty, hardboiled kind of way (yes, this is actually as pathetic looking as I'm describing it) "No, but there's something *I* can do about it". I half expected her to follow it up gruffly with "I'll be back" but thankfully was spared this travesty.

Back over at Sir Royston's, he's spreading out some toast and marmalade on the table for breakfast and, as Hayley emerges from the bathroom in her factory clothes, he apologises for only having thick marmalade since "most people prefer thin or medium don't they"? Hayley impatiently says she doesn't mind and as Roy offers to go downstairs and get thinner marmalade she blurts out, emotively: "I'd marry you like a shot if I could, you know that, Roy". He stops talking about breakfast and slowly sits down, before taking the words out of my mouth, and most likely the mouths of several million others, and saying, frustratedly, almost tearfully:

"It just seems so unfair. I mean, we are two consenting adults who love each other. I just want to make a public declaration of that love. How can that be illegal??"

"In the eyes of the law", explains Hayley, with more than just a touch of despair, "I'm still a male" and Roy, visibly now angered, says "Not in my eyes, you're not" before suggesting passionately they take their case to the Court Of European Law. Hayley alerts him to how much negative publicity that could draw to the both of them in the papers and he sighs, deeply. She explains how she fully respects his wanting marriage before they "take things any further" but then adds, with not a great deal of hope, that they can't ever be married. "Not at the moment", pipes up Roy, but Hayley admits "Probably never" (I sincerely hope the emphasis is on the "probably" here and not the "never"!) and asks, after a pause, "Does this mean... we can never be lovers?". Roy makes the same face as earlier but, unable to come up with that elusive first word, his brain outvotes the declarations his heart is anxious to make and he mumbles "You know, I think I will fetch that marmalade up", much to Hayley's disappointment.

Meanwhile at the factory, Surphie is messing around on the floor by the door, as Baldwin enters... "WHAT THE?!" he shouts and Sally rushes over to explain herself, wittering on that it's only for a day "until I get myself sorted" but Baldwin sternly tells her that she should make her own Childcare arrangements, before going on to ask why they're not in school. Silly Sally blathers on blandly (it must be contagious!!!) that if she leaves the gurls there then "Kevin'll try and take them, I know he will". Obviously she forgets that this is Coronation Street not Elm Street ("One two, Kevin's coming for you..." Sorry, dreadful joke!)... For once, Baldwin says something smart, "I don't want to hear any more this" ... (Neither do the rest of us!!!) ... "it's up to you and Kevin to sort things out" and then, to put an end to Sally's merciless wibbling, he tells her to take a few days holiday.

In the back room of The Rovers, Vera is gushing over holiday brochures, telling Jack how nice the apartments look in Tenerife. Jack, still desperately trying to put her off, says that they might look nice in print but once you get there "they're not even built". She's unconvinced and demands that Jack meets her in the town centre for lunch to go shopping for "holiday clothes" and, of course, so that they can take the money out. He's now seriously worried she'll unearth his gambling secrets and makes up an excuse about helping Alec with the stock take. V points out he has a lunch hour with which to join her at the shops and orders him to meet her outside the Building Society at 1pm. Eventually, after some short bickering, they compromise with 2pm, as Jack has some "business on". I'm sure we all know what *that* means.

Desperate screams of "RUN SURPHIE! RUN RURSIE!" echo across the street as Sally darts across the street with the gurls covered under each arm, as if she's rehearsing a part for a war movie. You can almost hear the machine gun fire in the background, it looks so ridiculously overracted. Why is she so furiously dashing across the street with a child under each arm, you may ask? Simply because she has to pass the garage. Give me a *break*. Kevin Webster is hardly, say, Alan Bradley and even if he were, this would *still* be a chronic overreaction. Anyway, sure enough the Manic Mechanic spies them and races across the road after them yelling "Sally! Sally!". In a ridiculous act of sheer absurdity (not to mention borderline-abuse), Sally *literally* pushes the kids through the door of Greg's flat, then locks it from the outside while she stands before the door to yell at the top of her voice at Kevin claiming *he's* being unreasonable. WHAT!? A dire exchange ensues, in which she comes out worst. She has no answer to him when he remarks that the gurls don't even have their own bedroom in the flat (I hate to think what they're doing for an upstairs sink! Puddles on the rooftop anyone??), except for the threat that she's "got money" and can move "far away from here"... *yawn* What could have been a tragic story of the suffering of young children at the hands of parents too immersed in their own affairs to care, has already become an increasingly boring, convoluted, implausible and contradictory mess. I hope someone puts this plotline out of it's misery, as soon as possible.

Over at the Salon, Alfeh (who is looking a little better than when we last saw him, pleasingly) is explaining to Audreh that he won't back her financially in her proposed business venture because, despite it doing a good trade, it's just not worth the price and that she's too busy with council work to devote enough time to it, anyway. He's probably right, but Audreh is nonetheless smarter than we think... "I shall just have to find someone else to back me then" she says, tellingly, but he laughs it off that no bank will touch her. She smiles and slyly adds "Fred Elliot jumped at the chance..." which instantly makes Alf's eyes turn as green as his hair looks in the reflectiveness of the Salon's dodgy lighting. He demands, indignantly, that she "doesn't take a penny off that man!" so Audrey plays along and simpers "Oh, I don't want to... To be honest I think he's a little bit too 'hands on'" before making a lewd groping gesture with her hands!! As Alf's jaw drops below sea level, she proclaims sternly "I want this salon and I'm going to find the money somewhere" before walking away, leaving him to think hard about his wife, the salon and Fred Elliot's prize-winning sausage, a ghoulish combination if ever there was one!

While a ten second interlude shows Jack Duckworth once more at the dog races, his wife is left waiting, impatiently in the Building Society, PASS BOOK IN HAND! :O It's stretching disbelief that Jack would be foolish enough to let her have the book, but then again, it wouldn't be the dumbest thing he's done in his time, so I'll let it slide. Sure enough, she opens it up, notices a grand or so is missing then storms to the counter and patronises the airheaded clerk something rotten, insistant that there has been some kind of mistake, explaining slowly that it's a joint account and requires *two* signatures before money can be taken out. As the clerk goes and checks, V turns round to the rest of the customers and exclaims loudly that "You've got to watch 'em like a hawk in this place!" before being told the account has been adjusted so it now only needs *one* signature for withdrawal. The clerk, a little unrealistically, shows Vera the exact form that she'd signed within seconds (since when does it take less than an hour for a clerk to find a form in a Building Society??? ;)) and the penny drops that she's been duped. V curses Jack, then hatches an evil counterplan against her deceitful husband... "So it only takes one signature to take the money out? Right, then, I'd like to make a withdrawal"...

END OF PART ONE
The adverts are *ALL* dire-as-u-like this week, I'm afraid to say. No further mentions, yr'honour.

PART TWO
It's 2:20pm at the bookies, when we return, and Jack has finally come up tops! He jumps up and down, joyously, kisses the winning ticket and, with a quick glance at the clock, goes to claim his cash. But is it too late?

Meanwhile at the Salon, Maud Grimes, seemingly the only regular customer there, is shown without hat to reveal that she sports horrifically large hair not too far removed from looking like a lost member of The Stray Cats. She and Audreh talk about who's taking over the salon and Audreh confesses, to Maud's shock-horror, that she's taking over and is being financially backed by Fred Elliot. Alf appears at the door, in a remarkable act of good timing, informing his lady wife that he's been chatting to his accountant and it looks like they're "better off, financially" than he'd expected, thus he can back her himself. Audreh is overjoyed that her sneaky little plans to manipulate her husband have worked.

In the back room of the Rovers, Vera does a very lifelike impression of "Whistler's Mother", whilst awaiting the arrival of her Sneaky Spouse. Jack finally shows up and apologises for being so late meeting her, making an excuse that he got "way-layed by Alec" and must have "just missed her", before adding that they can do it tomorrow instead. Vera, refusing to crack a smile, slowly begins raising her voice from a whisper to a scream as she explains she's done her shopping... been to the Building Society... found out that they only need one signature for withdrawal... discovered that there's a thousand pound missing... *and* come to the conclusion that "SOMEONE'S BEEN DIPPING INTO IT!!!". Of course, this last bit is virtually *spat* into the face of Jack...

Over to the Salon again. Maud is still there but now has a brown tea- cosy-esque hat on, masking her secret Rockabilly hairdo. Fred Elliot enters and tells a nearby Maxine that he wants to see Audrey. Maud quips that she thought he "was here for a curly perm", a comment which altogether fails to amuse the Baldie Butcher. The Fragrant Lady, herself, hollers from off-screen and feigns delight at Fred's appearance, inviting him into the back room, which he claims is an offer he can't refuse! As he enters, she at first tries to persuade him that business is "dead" and she can't get any customers (contrary to the apparent truth), in the vain hope this will put him off, but he simply bellows how he "thrives on a challenge" and enthuses that "in six months, this place will be a goldmine, I say, a little goldmine". Her next tactical manoeuvre is cooing that they have a "very special friendship" and "shouldn't mix business with pleasure", to which he replies that, if she wants, he won't take part in actually running the business and will be "a sleeping partner, err, in a manner of speaking". lol! Eventually she concedes defeat and tells him, in the nicest possible way that Alfeh changed his mind about putting up the cash having heard that Fred was going to back her. Fred realises that the object of his lecherous desires isn't quite as dumb as she looks... "You're a sly fox, Audrey Roberts", he slurs, bitterly, "sitting there as if butter wouldn't melt. You've used me to get at your husband's wallet haven't you? And I thought *I* was ruthless in business! I've *nowt* on you". He is *not* happy about this at all, as the rather evil look on his face clearly shows... All this time, thinking *he* was going to come out tops and it turns out he's been led up the garden path. I sense future developments. Perhaps even some rivalry on the cards?

I'm going to level with you all here. I'm getting bored and desperately craving getting on to the good stuff that about's to come, so I'll summise very briefly the next scene, which in all honesty went on for a bit too long. Jack tries to persuade Vera that he took the money out for a "business venture" ("an investment that I knew couldn't fail") and then shows her that he's got it all back and then some (looks like that last win on the dogs was bigger than we'd thought!). She's almost convinced, then he blurts out that "he won it all back!" in the heat of the moment and she realises he's been gambling. He fumbles around with a cigarette and tells her enthusiastically about his "system", stressing on the fact that it worked, but she's devastated at his untrustworthiness. Eventually she turns the table on him (as ever) and tells him she's withdrawn *ALL* the money from their joint account and put it in one of her own. To add insult to injury she snatches his cash winnings from his hand and says she'll take that too "for safe keeping"!

There's a highly brief and thoroughly bizarre interlude at the Malletts' house now and I'm guessing this scene was thrown in more out of contractual obligations than anything else! Judeh is spring cleaning, throwing things out and generally making it a prettier place in preparation for the forthcoming babeh. Gareh is shocked when she tells him the "first thing on her list" is his drumkit, since he hasn't played it for ages. "In that case," he chirps, "It's about time I did!" and then bursts into a rather frantic bash through something which doesn't sound too far removed from an early Napalm Death record, much to Judy's dismay.

A hand pushes a CD into the player. Thankfully it isn't early Napalm Death. It's "The Lady In Red", which is a rather clever hint as to who's flat we're in. Sure enough, it's Roy's flat and just as he puts the disc on, Hayley enters in her Famous Red Anorak, to find the lights dimmed, flowers on the table and a wonderful pasta meal with wine awaiting her.

"I know you said you were gonna do tea but I wasn't expecting this", she says, surprised.

"We didn't get off to the ideal start last night", begins Roy, taking off her anorak for her, "So I thought I'd make up for it tonight". :)) Finally, those words in his head are starting to fall into place!!

As Hayley opens the bottle of wine, at Roy's request, she can't help but notice aloud that the Z-Bed has gone from within the living room. Roy doesn't comment on her observation but instead continues assertively with his lovingly pre-prepared speech (without notebook this time!)... "Of course, these days, marriage is an outdated institution, right?" he asks and Hayley, a little taken aback, agrees. "I mean it's not exactly as if we're planning to have children is it? Did you know, one in three marriages end in divorce?" he continues, rapid-fire-style, before adding "Yes, I put the Z-Bed up in the loft. I dare say it'll come in handy, if we have guests... Who want to stay over... ever...". Hayley smiles widely as Roy leaps victoriously over this huge hurdle of self-confidence.

Over at the Rovers, as all this is happening, Des asks Natalie to take Saturday off work in order to accompany him to his brother's wedding in Hartleypool and then "stay over somewhere" to "make a weekend of it". Maybe something will develop from this, maybe not. Nonetheless, that's enough of that and it's back to Roy's place...

The meal is over and Hayley, sitting on the couch, says jokingly she hopes Roy doesn't make something so elaborate every night for fear of her gaining weight. He reassures her that usually he just "opens a tin but tonight being a special occasion and all..." before she cuts him off and adds, a little nervously "very special, I hope". Roy's nerves get the better of him once again as he suggests he does the washing up... She tells him she'll do it in the morning... He says he'll just put them in to soak... Hayley makes the move:

"Come and sit here next to me", she offers, beckoning him over. He slowly edges towards the sofa and asks if he can get her another drink. Of course, she's fine and doesn't want another drink so he suggests they "could watch telly, if you like". Hayley suggests they "have an early night".

"I can't stop looking at these plates", laughs Roy, nervously, turning once again to the sink for inspiration as to what to say... "It comes from working down there, I tell you" is all he can muster.

"You don't want to sleep with me, do you?" Hayley states, bluntly, verging on tears, "I knew you wouldn't when it came down to the crunch".

As he pleads with her not to get upset, she stands up and storms towards the door, her voice raising to exclaim "You were just going along with it to please me, but it's not what you want, not deep down inside!"

Then in a moment of almost criminal poignancy Roy, his voice cracked by the lump in his throat, chokes back tears and says "It is, Hayley. It's what I want... more than anything... But to be honest, I'm petrified."

"Why?" she whispers, breathlessly, as amazed as any of us at Roy's sudden stark display of emotion.

"To be honest, I've had very little experience in that department" he finally admits, in his own inimitable way before adding "in fact, I've got no experience in that department... at all!" Hayley *at last* realises, as the look on her face shows, that this is the reason why he has been so apprehensive in this respect and that it isn't any fault of her's at all...

The mood is ruined a bit (though obviously not entirely) when they cut to Kevin's house. Ugh!!! Sally, who has taken it upon herself to take up the FM/FM (Fiona Middleton/F**king Moody) position is being all standoffish and asks Kevin for one of Surphie's dolls. Kevin says he was going to come over anyway to talk and try and make some future arrangement. Which they do. They agree that the gurrls can stay with Sally yet can see Kevin whenever they want as long as they both behave like adults. It took *this* long to reach *this* conclusion??? No comment!!! Anyway, back to Roy's place...

Thankfully now, the mood is more relaxed and in contrast to the last scene here things are now taking a light-hearted and utterly endearing turn.

"I mean, I know what's involved", explains Roy, "I know about the birds and the bees... In fact!" he proclaims enthusiastically, "I used to keep bees, years ago!" (LOL! What a star!) and then, those words that he'd been keeping in start pouring out in quick succession: "I mean, before you, I never even had a girlfriend... when I decided for you to move in with me, I knew I couldn't put it off forever... I didn't want to, mind you... I've even been down the library today for a manual!"

"Like a car manual?" asks Hayley, a bit perplexed by Roy's last comment.

"Well, yes, it was a bit actually" says Roy, equally perplexed! "You know, lots of diagrams and step-by-step instructions." She asks if it made him feel better and he confesses, touchingly and amusingly in equal measures, "Well I don't know. You see, when I got to the counter to get it stamped, I found myself going red and getting embarrassed... so I swapped it for a James Herriot"!! (LOL!)

Hayley beams widely and edges closer to Roy. "Well", she begins, "If it makes you feel better... I'm in exactly the same boat... Pure as the driven snow, in a manner of speaking" she says, stifling happy giggles, "And, before you ask, I was before as well" she adds, as an equally joyous smile adorns Roy's face too.

"Oh I see", he says, almost laughing, "Perhaps I should have got that manual after all!" but Hayley is certain they can work it out for themselves. "Well anyway", adds Roy, "If neither of us know what we're doing, we won't know if we're doing it wrong will we?"

"Does that mean... the washing up can wait then?" wonders Hayley aloud, already knowing the answer. He simply takes her by the hand, smiles in that unbearably precious Roy Cropper way and leads her to the bedroom as the music on the stereo gets louder to reveal it none other than "(You make me feel like) A Natural Woman"! Genius! This was the *ONLY* time *EVER* I've been *GLAD* to see a couple adjourn the bedroom on Corrie. *EVER*! *THAT* says something.

This episode was written by Mark Wadlow and a damn fine job he did too! In a mere five scenes, David Neilson and Julie Hesmondhalgh (and of course the script!) took us through such a wide range of emotions... Beginning with sadness and frustration, moving through warmness, romance, fear, doubt.. before ending on hope, contentment and great laughter. Utterly wonderful! These scenes simply blew the rest of them out the water.

Yes we had a few belly laughs with Fred and Audrey (not to mention Maud's Rocket From The Crypt hair) and, unfortunately we had a fair share of dross with the Sally/Kevin malarky but this was all undermined by the sheer magic of the scenes between Roy and Hayley. As I said right at the start of this update, this was more than worth the wait I endured. First- rate stuff. But alas, now I'm totally out of steam and can't think of anything else to write.

Goodnight. :)

This Monday Update was sponsored by St Etienne (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking)...

Wednesday 30 September

This is a guest update standing in for CP. I'm a little nervous since this, my first attempt, has come right in the middle of some of the best episodes screened in recent times.

It's breakfast time on the morning after the momentous union. In their flat Roy and Hayley are having a touching conversation during which Hayley says they must tell each other about anything they don't like. After Roy prompts her for any immediate problems she declares that the bedroom curtains let in a lot of light and offers to line them for him, it's only going to take her ten minutes. Apparently Roy agrees about the curtains because he just used to pull the bedclothes over his head. Roy asks whether Hayley likes the duvet "because it's only tog 5, I've got a tog 12 for the winter." "No", says Hayley shyly, "I was quite warm really". So was Roy, who coughs and exchanges an embarrassed glance.

In the Kabin Gary is buying some music magazines. We know this because Rita says "I didn't know you were musical." "Have you _heard_ me playing the drums" responds Gary. Gary leaves and Janice enters with Sally in tow. Sally explains her current situation to Rita. The girls are living with her now, although Kevin isn't happy with it. Rita says she hopes the girls know where their home is "[Greg's flat is] a bit small for the four of you". Greg's away now and it's only until they get a new house. Sally obviously doesn't like the criticism that's oozing out of Rita.

As they leave the Kabin they bump into Hayley. Janice, with some help from Sally, teases Hayley about her new living arrangement. "Managed to get any sleep" asks Janice. "Yes, thank you" responds Hayley. "Oh well that's a bad sign" responds Janice. As the working girls enter the factory, laughing, they are watched by Kevin and Des. Kevin puts on his injured husband look and moans to Des that 'wimin' are like that. "She walked out and took the kids" says Kevin. Des agrees that even the courts will be on her side and there's nothing Kevin can do about it.

Meanwhile in the back room at the Rovers, Vera is pestering Alec to let them go on holiday. "Now be fair, we're not giving Alec much notice" says Jack which elicits a cutting stare from Vera. Alec heads for the bar to examine his rosters. He is followed closely by Jack. Jack tries to wheedle Alec into refusing them leave. "I don't like holidays, I'd rather be in the bookies or the Legion. Our Vera on holiday gets a little ... frisky." At this point Vera arrives and Alec pleasantly tells them that they can have the time off and do they want three weeks instead of two. Jack, in dismay, storms off. "What's the matter with him" asks Vera. "I don't know, perhaps he needs a holiday Vera." Alec's delight at Jack's discomfiture is quite apparent from his wonderful facial expressions during this interchange.

Judy, looking very pregnant, is asleep in a chair as Gary walks in and wakes her up. He's not supposed to be at home he's supposed to be getting some cement. He just wants to make a 'phone call about something in the magazine he's clutching. Is Gary going to sell his drum kit as Judy asked him to?

In the salon Audrey is doing Alma's hair, they are alone. Audrey explained to Alma that she'd been naughty using Fred's offer to persuade Alf to stump up for the business. Steve comes in, much to Audrey's chagrin. Steve is trying to pull a fast one and wants Audrey to give him "a grand" for the fixtures and fittings he put in for Fiona.

Now we are in the Rovers bar at lunch time. Sally is ordering hot pot for Janice, Hayley and herself from Natalie. Natalie tells Vera that the shopping in the hall is her outfit because she's going to the wedding of Des' brother. "Des is best man so that makes me best woman." "Best dressed woman with that lot" retorts Vera.

Fred is at the bar as Audrey bursts in in a tiz [I wonder who she left in the salon]. Fred's being very cold and aloof but Audrey buys him a drink. She tells Fred about Steve's request and asks what to do. "Tell him to go boil his head" says Fred.

In the back Alec is on the 'phone obviously trying to recruit some temporary replacement staff. Jack pokes his head in and says "you go on holiday with her and I'll run this place" but Alec's having none of it. "It'll be a second honeymoon for you" he says. "I can do without that kind of talk" is Jack's response.

Over at the Kabin, Kevin is now moaning at Rita about the way Sally is treating him. He wants the girls back and is worried that Sally will take them away so he'll never see them again. Kevin's well controlled and reasonable but is nearly shouting by the end. He doesn't want anything to hurt his kids. You can see the sympathy all over Rita's face.

Jack now tries a different tack on Vera. He reasons that Alec will find permanent replacements for them whilst they're away so "we won't have a job or a home to come back to. I don't think we should go just now." But Vera doesn't care anymore, she's booked the holiday in Teneriffe and they're going whatever happens.

Gary has returned home to Judy, it's the evening. Judy has relented and will let him keep the drums if he wants to. She's seen the ads in his magazine and knows he's trying to sell them. Gary points out a different ad for a local band who want a drummer, he's got an audition. Since Judy told him that if he wasn't going to use them he should get rid he's decided to use them. But now he needs lots of practice. Exit Gary. THUMP, THUMP, RATTLE, BANG. "Oh no" groans Judy with a look of disappointment and dismay.

In Des' Natalie is showing off her wedding outfit to Vera. She's wearing a smart cream dress with matching jacket and accessories. Des returns home and Vera tells him that "Jack chucked me out for having it off with the milkman and Natalie has let me move in here." "Move in!" chokes Des. But no, it's only a joke. After Vera leaves Natalie asks Des who was coming to the wedding "everyone and then some; mam and dad, aunts and uncles and cousins, hundreds really." Natalie looks very uncomfortable, "fine" she whispers to herself.

Audrey and Fred are propping up the bar in the Rovers again. She is still going on about Steve. Apparently she 'phoned Fiona who has told her that Steve's done nothing worth paying for. Alma walks in and refuses a drink from Fred. She has a date ... with Spider! At this point in comes Steve. Audrey begs Fred to have a word with him for her. Fred slips over to Steve and whispers in his shell-like. "You're a bold one - I say y' rush in where angels watch what they're stepping in." Fred quietly points out to Steve that Councilor Roberts is just about to take up her seat on the planning committee and, as a builder who will be submitting applications, he should be careful who he makes an enemy of. Fred returns to Audrey who asks what Steve said. "Give him time, he's thinking about it" responds Fred.

Roy and Hayley are also having a quiet drink in the Rovers. Hayley tells Roy all about the ribbing she's been getting from the factory girls. She's delighted but Roy looks very uncomfortable.

Steve now sidles over to Audrey. He says he was out of order asking her for money and he's going to take it up with Fiona. I think he's taken the hint and makes a rapid exit. Audrey tells Fred that he's her hero and champion and that's better than being a boring old husband. They're friends again ahhh.

Alma is having a Tate a Tate with Spider. Anne has returned from the wilds of Bradford. After much deliberation Spider decides Anne's still after Curly (in a romantic sense) so he will pretend he's a relative of Curly and tell her that Curly still fancies her so it'd be in her best interest if she could get Curly off the hook.

Sally turns up at Kevin's front door. She is after some of the girls' stuff. Kevin has not finished ironing some of it in the kitchen. Sally goes upstairs to collect some of their clothes while Kevin is seen prowling around his dining room.

Also upstairs, but in their own flat, Hayley wants to know what is troubling Roy. "There's something the matter isn't there" she asks. "Are you happy with things" asks Roy "we're not very experienced and don't know if you're getting it right." Hayley is touched and they hug [yes just a hug] "I was just wondering" says Roy. "Don't wonder" says Hayley happily.

Returning to the Webster's as Sally comes out of the kitchen with an armful of clothes. Kevin is not happy and a major row erupts. Kevin grabs the clothes and chucks them on the floor. "You're not taking my family and you're not taking these" he shouts. "I've got a right to a life of my own and to sleep with whoever I want to" squeals Sally. "And what rights have I got." "You've got the house." "Brilliant, just what I always wanted, an empty house." Kevin pushes Sally onto the couch, it's looking ever more like he's going to hit her.

Sally grabs the 'phone and rings Rita "I'm in Kevin's and he's going to attack me." Further argument continues but Kevin is still being reasonable and restraining himself. Sally grabs the clothes off the floor and storms out of the house, vowing never to return.

Outside Rita rushes over to Sally and asks what happened. Sally, nearly in tears, spins her a yarn about Kevin going to hit her (but hasn't) or may have killed her. Rita, however has taken Kevin's side and blames Sally for *choosing* the course she's on. Rita tells Sally "you're nasty, selfish and don't care what you do to anybody including your children as long as you get your own way. Next time you need help don't come to me for it." [Here here Rita]

Fade out on a close-up of Sally looking ... well as Sal often does at times like this.

This was a good episode IMHO, written by Peter Whalley, what with the tender scenes of Roy and Hayley and the subtle humour, especially between Jack/Vera/Alec, Audrey/Fred and even Alma/Spider. Corrie at its best. Even the drama of Kevin and Sally was believable for now. I hope I've managed to get some of it over to you.

Steph Johnson, Hextable, Kent, UK

Written by John Laird, Peter Dewhirst, CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk


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