Sunday 1 November
Better late than never ? Well, perhaps. It's now Friday, which
means there's but two days to go before the next Sunday episode.
And less than two hours before I have to fly awa' hame to get
the bairns supper ready. So this'll be brief.
Sorry for the delay. It's been a funny old week all round
- back from a weekend in Scotland (fabulous time) to find the
3-hr tape hanging out of the video having expired before Sunday's
Corrie even started. Dang those kids and the 4-hr tape box !
Found a repeat on Monday afternoon and recorded that instead,
but literally had no time to get around to watching it before
last night. Fell out badly with a friend/neighbour who dented
our car. Spent 2 hours on Wednesday night wondering how Mrs L
would take the news that I intend to ask Cameron Diaz to marry
me forthwith and bear more bonny Laird babies. (Badly, I imagine.
There probably *are* worse things than getting your frank'n'beans
stuck in your zipper. Oh, and don't go to see "There's Something
About Mary" if you're easily offended.)
That'll have to do for now, so let's get down to business
with the good folks of Coronation Street:
Act 1
[Even the video'd repeat didn't work 100% - the programme was
already underway so if there were any earlier scenes, a quick
trip to the CSVU web pages might be in order.]
Les is telling Audrey how he intends to sue the council over
the diabolical state of the pavement, what with it being strewn
with dug-up cobblestones. When he suggests "compo" [or
compensation], Audrey mentions the name of one of the UK's top
legal counsel. It flies over Les' head like Concorde over Swindon.
He wonders what he is paying his poll tax for, and Audrey in turn
marvels that he is paying anything. [Not least poll tax, which
was phased out many years ago.] Now he's going to add defamation
to the list. Janice drags him inside before he claims further
compensation for hurting his back while lifting the stones in
the first place. Maud, who may be having problems navigating the
street herself, asks Audrey what she *is* going to about it. It'll
be reported to the Highway Department, and after that it'll be
out of her hands.
In the corner shop, Zoe is buying some extra milk as Ruth and
her cousin are coming over for tea and a chat. She asks Ashley
if he'll stay out of the way at dinnertime as they'll be discussing
women's things. As Zoe leaves, Maud motors in. Judy, also present,
remarks on how well Zoe looks. Ashley says he is worried that
talking about Shannon's death will only bring it all back and
make her worse again. He also thinks that Ruth doesn't approve
of him, and might be trying to persuade Zoe likewise. Maud puts
his grumpy mood down to the fact that he's had no breakfast, and
has "an empty belly". "Not like Judy here",
she adds. [Judy looks as if she's expecting twin African elephants.]
Dobber arrives at Toyah's house. She marvels at his nerve,
showing up there when Les has indicated he'll rearrange Dobber's
limbs when he catches him. She knows all about what they were
up to, as Les had kept them awake half the night raving about
the cobblestones business. Dobber actually seems quite contrite
[clearly the Personality Transplant Fairy has booked an appointment].
She tells him it'd be better if he didn't show his face around
there again. "Where are we going to meet, to... you know
?" he asks. Toyah pauses and tells him that perhaps it's
all over anyway.
A very very brief scene with Tony [with the very passé
bleached-blond crop] on his mobile phone in Des' living room,
ordering some "stuff". [Notable perhaps for the fact
that this actually appears to have been shot in the actual mock-up
house in the street at Granada Studios, with the camera revealing
it really is a very narrow house indeed - somewhere about 8' wide
in my estimation.]
Over to the Rovers now, where Michael tells Jim that he has
been offered the job in Milton Keynes. Jim is pleased for him,
and tells him Liz will be too. What should happen next, but Liz
and Deirdre arrive. Liz comes over and Jim breaks the news. Liz
and Michael choreograph awkward looks all round as Jim prattles
on, seemingly oblivious to the obvious. "You'll have a ball
down there [what, in MK ? Bwahaahaha...], a single man like you,
lots of women to meet..." suggests Jim. At this, Liz rushes
off, claiming to have left something at the factory.
Des and Natalie put in an appearance, just back from their
honeymoon. Des asks Vera for a proper pint, saying he's tired
of sipping Pina Coladas on a sun-kissed beach. [Hang on, thought
they were in Ireland ?] Natalie says she wouldn't know, all she
saw was sky most of the time ! Vera howls with laughter.
Deirdre returns to the factory to find Liz looking more than
a tad upset. She tells Liz that even she could see how Michael
was reacting, from the other side of the bar. It's obvious he
really cares for her. "Oh, it's no use", wails Liz.
[No it isn't, just get shut of the pair of them and resume normal
programming, puh-leeze !]
A much better little vignette [is that the right word ?] in
the café, where Ken orders some lasagne, and congratulates
Toyah on the quality of her essay about Wuthering Heights. He
tells Gail her assistant has a sharp and discriminating mind.
Toyah wonders if "discriminating" isn't, well, not good.
Not in that way, replies Ken, it means she has good judgement.
On cue, Dobber clears his throat just behind Ken. Ken remarks
this is probably a suitable time to sit down and await his lunch.
Dobber asks Toyah if she meant what she said earlier, and yes
she does. He gives her a bracelet and tells her she doesn't have
to give it back, she can keep it as a sort of goodbye present.
Toyah is immediately suspicious that he "nicked it"
from somewhere, but he assures her it is all paid for. She tells
him that it's a nice thing to do, and kisses him on the cheek.
"See you around ?", he asks only half-hopefully. [Gosh,
you could almost like him now. The PTF has indeed visited.] Gail
tells Toyah that Dobber is getting more like Heathcliffe every
day.
Dull, dull, again, as Tony's "mate" Jason arrives.
Tony seems concerned that no-one has followed him there. He drops
a small package on the coffee table and Tony opens his briefcase
to reveal a small set of scales. [Somehow I don't think the "stuff"
is best Italian blend mocha.]
Les and Janice get out of a taxi, outside their house. It appears
Les has been to the hospital to have his foot looked at, and was
none too pleased with the service. Janice reminds him that the
doctor had obviously seen through Les' story and remarked how
it looked very much like something heavy had dropped onto Les'
foot, and not that Les had tripped over anything. Still moaning
about not having been given a courtesy ambulance, Les is dragged
inside.
Des and Natalie leave the Rovers to go home, and Des carries
her across the threshold. They are a little surprised to find
Tony there, with his dodgy looking mate. [They just managed to
hide the evidence as the front door opened.]
Intermission
Bobbins. And so to...
Act 2
Wherein, we find young mistress Zoe, being quite the hostess to
Ruth and her cousin Naomi. [Naomi appears almost normal, but Ruth
looks, well, weird. She has these dark bushy eyebrows that would
suit a Bond villain. I wonder how they cast these ? "Young
female actress required, must look like a sandwich short of a
picnic".] Ruth introduces Zoe and Naomi to each other, and
starts the ball rolling by mentioning how they had both lost young
babies. And then it all sort of dragged for a bit while the two
swapped stories and got a bit maudlin and almost tearful. The
scene ends with a quick shot of Ruth looking very pleased [and
very creepy] at what she has clearly engineered. [Sooooo, Mr Bond...]
Tony bundles Jason out of the front door. Jason tries to press
Tony for the money for his "stuff". [Is that too many
quoted suggestions ?] Okay, for his drugs. Tony tells him they
can't settle up right now, but asks him to meet in the café
instead. He returns inside, and asks Natalie how the honeymoon
went. Des walks in and spots Tony's smart briefcase. He admires
it and is just on the point of opening it up when Tony brusquely
snatches it away, saying it contains personal stuff. There is
an awkward silence.
Naomi tells Zoe she has a gift for helping people. Ruth agrees
- "you have positive energy", she tells her. Zoe looks
a bit confused by all this weird talk, but also flattered.
Tony and Jason are now in the café. Jason advises Tony
to stay close to his Mum, as he's likely to get a kicking from
some characters who are looking for him. He demands his £800
for the drugs he's supplied. "Not here !" whispers Tony.
Jason says it's the money or he wants his stuff back. Tony says
he can't get it out of the house with Natalie and Des there. Jason
isn't very happy at all.
Another much brighter moment as Les' partner-in-crime, Charlie,
arrives at the Battersby's house. [Charlie is in the best traditions
of weaselly no-good rascals.] Les shows him the bandage on his
foot, and they have an argument about who ran off, and who was
making too much noise. Charlie remarks that the cobblestones are
still sitting on the pavement. Why hadn't Les moved them into
his back-yard in the middle of the night ? Les points to his foot
- he could hardly shift himself. "What about your Janice
?", asks Charlie, "she's a strong lass !". "Give
her some exercise, and maybe then she won't be so lippy !!".
[Brilliant !] Anyway, Charlie might be able to get another lorry
again tonight... Les says he's resting up, and he has another
plan anyway. When he's better, he's going to kick Charlie's rear
down Rosamund Street.
Back to Des and Natalie's house, where Mr Barnes asks Mrs Barnes
when Tony might be leaving. Des is still in honeymoon mood, and
three's a crowd... On cue, Tony returns. He asks for a word with
his Mum. In private. Des leaves, but not before Natalie points
out he's "family" now. Tony tells Natalie that he has
lost his job in Leeds, and his flat. He asks if he can stay there
a bit longer, and she agrees.
Zoe enters Ashley's house. She has seen Ruth and Naomi off.
She tells him how close she feels to the two girls. Ashley wonders
if this is such a good idea. Zoe tells him he can't understand.
[Cos he's a man, of course.] She says she has invited Ruth and
Ben for tea the next day. Ashley asks "who are these people,
you hardly know them ?". He's worried. [An expression Ashley
plays to a tee, along with perplexed and befuddled.]
Des is chatting to Lorraine and Maxine in the Rovers. They
ask if he got to kiss the Blarney Stone. "Might have done",
replies Des, "I kissed just about everything else !".
Ooh, giggles and high jinks all round. Lorraine observes "there's
Auntie Natalie now". Des offers Auntie Natalie a milk stout,
and receives a clip around the ear for his trouble. She tells
him Tony isn't leaving just yet. Des wonders how they can persuade
Tony to wear earplugs at night. [I think we've wandered into Carry
On Weatherfield by accident...]
In the corner shop, Jim shows Maud how he is able to pull himself
right out of his wheelchair and almost stand up, with some support.
Maud is amazed. He asks her to keep it their secret, as he wants
to surprise Liz.
Talk of the devil, she and Deirdre are walking up the street.
Michael accosts them, and Deirdre makes her excuses. Michael apologises
for the way she heard about his job offer - he had wanted to tell
her himself, somewhere less public. As they talk, Michael grasps
Liz' hand. In the background, the great undead himself, Steve,
looks on. His tiny mind is putting two and two together...
This episode was written by John Stevenson.
How did this one read ? I only got to watch it the once, in
stop-start mode while I made notes. Overall, I think it came
over as middling. There were some good moments with Les, and
Janice or Charlie, and Toyah and the revamped Dobber. Spooky
moments with Ruth and Zoe. And some moments of slumber whenever
Tony appeared. But, rejoice ! No Greg or Sally !!
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Next week, on time. Promise !
John Laird
Monday 2 November
Well, well, well, what's all this then? ;)
Hi everybody... Welcome to this week's Monday Update and it's
really quite a monumental event in Corrie terms but for all the
wrong reasons. There are two ways of looking at tonight's episode,
really.
Either
a) The entire script department and all the actors involved
are royally taking the mickey out of the whole show
or
b) This is the worst excuse for an episode of Coronation Street
I've seen in ages.
Welcome to bottom of the televisual barrel! Let's have a good
ol' scrape around, shall we?
We start the proceedings with a bit of action in the Cornershop.
Liz is buying a bottle of mineral water off of Maud who is bemoaning
the 'trendiness' of putting water in bottles and reselling it.
In the background, Zoe is telling Ashley about her plans for 'Her
Dinner With Ruth & Ben' (to be honest, "My Dinner With
Andre" sounds more appealing and that's saying something...).
She intends to cook a roast chicken and RAshleh is pleased to
hear this! He reckons she can get one cheap off of Uncle Fred
and suggests, since Fred is bound to give her a big one, that
they let Nick and Leanne in on the proceedings as well. Nick,
who has been lurking about in the background, is overjoyed at
the invitation and the prospect of a decent meal. Zoe isn't so
pleased, however, in a "4's company, 6 is a crowd" sort
of way and the look on her face tells this loud and clear to the
hapless Ashley... On the other side of the shop, meanwhile, Jim
wheels himself over to Gary (Yes, the shop is *packed* full of
people in this scene, I'm not making this up!) and says he needs
to get into town for the afternoon. He doesn't explain why and
tells Gareh that if he wants to find out, he'll have to give him
a lift. Gareh is obviously more interested than I am, since he
agrees to this, quite merrily.
Meanwhile, in the Valley Of The Bland (Greg's Flat), Sally
approaches Gruesomeness Incarnate who is sitting on his Throne
(The Couch) impersonating a red pepper as opposed to his usual
green pepper. Yup, bright red shirt with garish orange tie to
'match'... Yeuch! Anyhow, Sally is *STILL* blathering on about
getting a house and he says it's all go this time, *but* he needs
to make sure that the Reuben Deal is officially closed before
they make an offer for some flashy five bedroom mansion that his
Gormless Gal has her eyes on. Apparently Reuben should have been
in touch already, so Greg is a little on the worried side (though
he refuses to admit this to Sally, the look on his face gives
it away!) that something may be amiss with his dodgy dealings.
Speaking of dodgy dealings... Over at Number 6, Tony Horror(cks)
is on his mobile phone, presumably to the Dial-A-Cliche department
again. Natalie descends the stairs so he quickly hangs up and
when she asks who he was on the blower to he simply replies it
was "a mate" who might "put him up for awhile".
She insists he can stay at No.6 for as long as he likes but he
"doesn't want to impose" (!!!). Nat's having none of
this and maintains that he's more than welcome... Although it'd
be nice if he'd "put the hoover round" and "make
himself useful"... With this she leaves and instantly he's
back on the phone and his dialogue is ripped straight from every
dreadful Charles Bronson movie that was released in the mid-80's:
"I need the money... I'm up to my ears in it..." etc
etc... Any minute now I expect Bronson to kick down the door,
brandishing a pistol and snarling "Your time's up, scum"
or something equally trite.
Unfortunately this doesn't happen so we cut to Nicky's College
where the Camp Crusader himself is mincing merrily down the corridor
towards Smiley Spice Lorraine. She shows him a job advert pinned
to the wall and ribs him about it, since it's a request for a
nude model in the College's art department. Nick stands and stares
gormlessly at it, mouthing the words on the paper out loud, in
much the same manner that he reads the cue cards for all his lines.
He tells Smiley Spice that he's just not interested but, as she
walks away giggling, he swipes the piece of paper from the wall
and stuffs it in his pocket... [Incidentally, for the benefit
of anyone who *did* see tonight's episode (my condolences)...
was it just me or did Adam Rickett look *possessed* by something
in this scene? His eyes were all over the place, crossing and
staring... Perhaps he's taking acting advice from Simon Gregson?]
At The House Of Mac, Jim is saying "Goodbye" to Action
Man Michael... *AGAIN*. Will this man *EVER* leave? Or more to
the point, can Jim get any more oblivious to what's going on???
As he says things like "I'll miss you, Michael, we both will",
in reference to Liz, Michael's face turns a ghostly shade of pale
but Jim keeps harping on passionately about how glad he is that
everything's going so well for the three of them, that if he's
ever in Milton Keynes he'll have to look Michael up (I'm sorry,
but does *anyone* get this close to their *OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST*
anyway???) and that if it hadn't have been for good ol' Michael
the Messiah, he'd still be "sitting like a vegetable, dying
a slow death". The final nail in his own coffin is, when
asked to say goodbye to Liz for Michael, Jim insists that his
therapist buddy does that himself (More on this later)... Gary
arrives at this point, ready to chauffeur Jim into town and the
scene flits to:
Friz and Dreary in the Rovers, gossiping about, yup, you guessed
it, Michael. Liz reckons that the affair is over between them
but doesn't seem to have a clue whether this is what she wants,
what she really really wants. Her head's a mess and she can't
make up her mind if she's glad it's over or if she's going to
regret it later. Eventually, after much incoherant babble, she
says she's going to just stick with Jim and forget the torrid
affair with the occupational therapist ever happened.
Over at Greg Kelly Enterprises (Yes, he's dropped the Designs,
now it's Enterprises... How do we know? Because the sign (yes,
sign!) on the door says so!), Blandford is brooding behind his
desk, convinced that Reubens is ignoring him and his 'phone messages
on purpose. Silly Sally tries to comfort him but to no avail since
the riled red-pepper snarls adamantly that if Reuben hasn't called
within the next hour he plans to storm over there himself and
find out exactly what's happening.
What follows is a truly appalling scene between Jim and Gary
at the jewellers in town. Yup, he's choosing an engagement ring
(which is the aforementioned mystery reason why he needed a lift
into town) and can't seem to decide between diamond and emerald.
An embarrassingly contrived and blatantly prophetic conversation,
which I simply *can't* bring myself to reproduce in print, ensues
about superstitions, luck and devotion before, in the end, they
decide on a diamond.
Sinking further into the mire, the Dial-A-Cliche hard case
in the black leather jacket (who's name is apparently Jason) has
arrived at the door of Number 6 for Tony. They start walking briskly
down the street and re-enact dialogue from "Crime Story"...
"You do realise who we're messin' with??" asks Jason...
Tony is fully aware who they're "messin' with", but
is having problems gettin' "da money" and to make it
worse has already "offloaded some of da goods"... Oh
Christ, does anyone even care? I imagine most of you have already
stopped reading at this point. It's cliche'd, it's predictable,
it's badly acted, it's dreary, it's inappropriate and when Jason
tells Tony, heatedly, "You're gonna need a priest when they
find out what's happened... They're gonna kill you!", I wonder
at what point they moved Coronation Street next door to Albert
Square...
END OF PART ONE
Thank God. The adverts are a welcome relief from the utter
bilge of the first part. So I let my mind sink back into gear
before gulping and attempting to brave the latter half of this
heinous horror!
PART TWO
Zoe is cooking in The Kitchen Of Elliot and having a go at Ashley
for inviting Nick & Leanne to their little dinner party. She
wanted to "get to know Ben and Ruth a little better"
before introducing them to her friends, apparently. Just then
the young Tilsleys enter (Speak of the Devil, eh? (anyone who
remembers Adam Rickett's recent Cosmo Nude Spread will get that
one!)) and Nick offers to go fetch a bottle of booze from the
store. As he empties his pockets looking for cash, Leanne *almost*
spies that paper advert he ripped off the college wall earlier,
but Nick swishes his golden locks from side to side and claims
it's just an ad for used sports gear (!) before she can properly
read it. Whoop whoop, there goes the doorbell and it's those two
utter nutters, Ben and Ruth. Pleasantries are swapped and when
Nick tells of his plans to get some grog in, Ruth shows off an
exciting bottle of "herbs and ginseng" (!) that she's
brought along while Ben proclaims, in the style of a true Space
Cadet "We don't need to drink anymore... Life's intoxicating
enough!"... His female companion continues along those wacko
lines and remarks on what a good atmosphere the House Of Elliot
has and how it reflects something on the people who live in it.
Ashley looks justifiably concerned but Zoe is beaming like a hyperactive
little Munchkin...
Tony Horror(cks) and his new stepdad crack open some cans of
Newcastle Brown Ale over at No.6, as Des questions the lad about
his 'occupation' in 'promotions'. Peroxide Boy is a bit apprehensive
and acts suspicious enough for Des to catch on and lay down the
law: "It's your life", he grunts, "Do what you
like. But I don't like the look of your so-called friends so don't
bring 'em round here in future, ok?" ... At this point, Natalie
re-enters and the boys both smile as if nothing's happened. They
all have a group hug and play Happy Families.
Meanwhile, The Dinner Party at the House Of Elliot gets off
to a flying start. Zoe serves up some melon for starters and Ruth
N Ben pause to say a really cliche'd and airheaded 'prayer' to
"The Eternal Mother" (Now, c'mon, if *anyone* has not
caught on at this point that there's something odd going on, they
need their head looking at!)... Nick giggles a bit but Ben explains,
in the most patronising manner imaginable, that praying to this
Deity of their's before a meal is the same as a warm-up before
P.E. class...
Over at Blandford's flat, the Gruesome One storms in, furious,
yelling to Sally that the Reubens deal has fell through. Naturally,
she has no idea why and neither does he. He wanted to ask more
questions but didn't want to press Reuben on the matter for fear
of looking desperate. They reach the conclusion that someone is
'badmouthing' Greg Kelly Enterprises and the Prime Suspect is
Mike Baldwin. Of course the question is, how did Baldwin find
out about the Reuben's Deal? Blandford doesn't know but claims
if he ever finds out he'll "kill them". :o
I nearly fell off my chair at this point as a truly frightful
looking young woman with dreadlocks and an obvious aversion to
soap sits in Roy's Rolls (How *DARE* they conduct such sordid
dealings on such Hallowed Ground??) awaiting the arrival of Tony
Horror(cks). Peroxide Boy shows up and is given the low-down on
the latest goings on. Apparently the woman in the cafe is the
girlfriend of the bloke that Tony intended to pedal his 'wares'
to. Said bloke, however, has been taken in for questioning by
the police and thus can no longer shift the goods from Ton...
zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Oops, fell asleep there... Anyway, I wake up and catch the
show continuing back at Zoe's Dinner Party where the Main Course
is being served. Unfortunately for the hostess, she didn't bank
on her Ghoulish Guests being die-hard vegetarians. They refuse
the chicken but show great excitement for the steamed vegetables
(You know, I really would *like* to say I'm making this up...).
When Nick asks why they don't like to eat meat, Ruth starts explaining
in the same way you might talk to a nursery school child that
they just don't believe it's "right to take the life of another
living being". Nick attempts feebly to debate the point but
being the mincing nelly and appalling actor that he is, completely
fails on all accounts. The worst part is that when Ruth attests
that meat "messes up your spiritual balance" and proclaims,
sloganeeringly (in rhyme no less!!!) "FRUIT AND SEEDS ARE
ALL WE NEED!", the once 'streetwise' Zoe seems thoroughly
mesmerised by the whole thing.
Over at the Garage, Steve "Googly Eyes" MacDonald
gets his car tuned up by Kevin Webster. As Kev completes the job
and arranges to meet Googly Eyes at the Rovers in five minutes,
Steve can't help but notice Human Love Doll Michael Wall entering
the House Of MacDonald across the road... With a quick cut to
inside the House of M, Michael and Liz run through their usual
unconvincing and tedious conversation about "I know we shouldn't
but our feelings are too strong"... Michael claims, with
the highest degree of melodrama (which really needs to be seen
to be believed!) he's just here to say "goodbye properly"
and insists she'll "always be more than a memory" to
him, no matter what (I do hope he's not hinting at a rash here...).
Vomit.
Over in The Rovers at this very point, Jim is nursing a bouquet
of roses that he bought "at a garage on the way home"
and that he intends to present to Liz shortly when he re-proposes
to her. Vera, at the bar, slams his choice of flowers and harps
on to Judy Mallett and whoever else is in earshot about something
she read in a magazine about the "proper flowers" to
give for a proposal but Jim is iritated by her wibblings and tells
her to can it. He's even more irate when Googly Eyes enters the
pub and starts laughing evilly at him. When Jim asks "What's
so funny?", Googly takes the piss out of him and pretends
as if nothing's wrong, all the while hinting that Jim *really*
should go back to the house at this point... Jim is thoroughly
and embarrassingly oblivious to Steve's point but leaves anyway,
adamant that now is the time he will win Liz's heart!
Not quite, as back at El House De MacDonald, Liz and Michael
are continuing their overracting. He kisses her on the lips and
says, pretensiously, "In another time... in another world..."
but this translates more accurately to "In a second, on the
downstairs bed" as they commence a face-sucking, messy snog
session replete with clothes-ripping. Meanwhile outside, Gary
is wheeling Jim to the front door. Jim is all fired up and gets
Gareh to help him up onto his new walking frame. Once this is
done, the door is opened and Jim, cellophane-wrapped roses crackling
loudly under his arm, noisily hoists his way indoors on the frame...
Of course, no matter how much racket he makes, the lovebirds inside
are busy on the downstairs bed and don't know he's there until
he overzealously throws open the door and collapses in a heap
when he sees them topless (yet 'artfully' (!) covered up) on the
bed together. He gasps, moans and does a rather accurate "Captain
Kirk caught in an alien tractor beam" impression before the
credits mercifully roll...
...and a Nation offers thanks to the Deity of it's choice!
The first time I saw this episode, I actually laughed a little.
Laughed at the dire nature of the script, the predictability,
the endless stream of cliches and of course the relentless overacting.
But the second time, it just hit me square in the gut what a
*dreadful* excuse for a Corrie episode this was and how, really,
it wasn't all that funny at all.
I apologise for perhaps being a little abrupt, unobjective,
offensive or undescriptive throughout some of this Update but
that's just the way I felt after watching this steaming hunk
o' junk. Take a look at what we have here: Greg and Sally actually
seem almost interesting when compared to this ridiculous (not
to mention highly unrealistic) crap with Zoe and these New Age
Nutjobs. The idea of Tony Horror(cks) dealing hard drugs in Roy's
Rolls of all places (!) while being pursued by tough guys from
Leeds who want to *kill* him is about as fitting and appropriate
as one of Liz MacDonald's skirts. And as for Jim's prolonged
and continuing obliviousness to one of the most obvious affairs
I've seen on the Street in years... Pathetic just isn't the word.
If I hadn't had to write the Update for this episode I most likely
would have switched it off half way through and I don't even
remember the last time I had to do that with Corrie.
Anyway, hopefully things will improve on the Street by next
Monday but if they don't and you'd rather me just list the facts
of what happened without my incessant ranting and raving just
drop me a line and tell me so.
Til next time, take care! :)
This Monday Update was sponsored
by Plastikman (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what
I was drinking)
Wednesday 4 November
Hi everyone,
Do you believe that machines have their own minds?
My video certainly does. In fact, on wednesday night I'd say
it exercised discerning taste albeit a tad too late. What am
I talking about, you may well ask [and people often do] but my
video machine obviously decided that it couldn't stand anymore
of this Sally and Greg rubbish or the Jim/Liz/Michael fiasco
cos it cut out on me just before the end of the episode but,
thanks to Glenda, I was able to find out what I missed, and it
wasn't much! Just before I begin, I'd like to say eat your greens.
My doc's just told me I have anaemia (that's a medical term for
pale and interesting apparently:)
This episode sponsored by Cadburys Wispa Mint - a favourite
of my friend CP.
The opening scene is the same as the closing scene
from Monday. Jim is sprawled on the floor in a self pitying lump
whilst Liz and Michael are covering themselves for the sake of
decency.[Hmmm I wonder if Liz will be keeping that yoghurt stained
frock for another occasion]. "I trusted you Michael, you
bastard, get out!" [I got the impression that Jim was more
upset about Michael than Liz and this turns out to be so. Men
have to stick together and women cant help themselves and all
that chauvenistic rubbish that Jim's susceptible to] He then tells
them both to get out by the back door. Most of the script for
this scene was tediously repetitious..."I didnt mean to hurt
you Jim" says Liz several times. "Get out" says
Jim, several more times.
Next we find our budding adonis Tilly nervously inquiring
about the models job. [God was this next bit corny]. Middle aged
female teacher, sans hrt patch, looks young Tilly up and down
and asks "have you got any experience" [Oh please, she
needed a baby bib to catch the dribbles]. "This job requires
intense concentration and very few people can do it well."[oh
dear, is Tilly going to fall at the first post]? She then takes
him down to show how the other model does it. [You just sit there,
let it hang and keep a bored expression on your face! he's got
the job?]
Later, in the House of Elliott, the last supper has
just finished and Zoe apologises about the chicken. Ashley is
definitely not mein host as he sits and pouts whilst Zoe tries
to sing his praises[take it where you can Ashleh!] Ruth offers
to do the washing up. [Who me? not bloody likely] so that Ben
and Ashley have chance to chat. They talk about not having a dad
around and Ashley, Bless him, is quite loyal as he tells Ben that
'I've got me Uncle Fred [Amen, I say Amen!] and tells Ben how
he gave Ashley a job. "Oh, in the corner shop" snides
Ben. And Ashley replies "Its a small supermarket actually,
And we've got a licence to sell alcohol.!" "Alcohol's
got no appeal for me" says Ben the party pooper.[better not
go to a ping or a contress then Ben!]
Over at Chez Barnes, Nat tries to get Tony to get out
and make new friends. [hah!] "Come over to the Rovers."
But Tony doesnt have much money. He asks why he should make new
friends. "Well, now that youre not going back to Leeds."
"Who says Im not" snaps Tony. The conversation descends
into one that a fourteen year old would have with a parent who
doesnt let him go to the school dance. Nat smells a rat, but its
just Des's cheap aftershave."What happened in Leeds, you
never told me". "Its none of your business.""Youre
my son, what you do is my businesss" [blimey, we've all heard
that speech before!] Tony snaps at her again and tells her to
go to work.
Back at Jim's (and I'm confused here cos I dont know
if its a continuation of the last scene or later on in the day].
Jim thought Liz had gone out the back door with Michael but she's
sat there, all gormless like, with the engagement ring and her
mouth gaping repeating the same old, "I didnt know, Im sorry
Jim etcetera etcetera etcetera] She says she had no idea[quelle
surprise!] that Jim was going to ask her to marry him. After he
drags himself onto the sofa he tells her that he thought she loved
him and she says she does but she's not in love with him [yawn
yawn..lets just be friends...yawn..we've all heard that one].
Back at the college and Colin the model, whose modesty
is preserved by a carefully placed easel, lounges on the podium.
The teacher, who's giving Tilly the roving eye, tells him where
the dressing room is. Tilly tells her that he's worried about
how embarrassed he'll be but she assures him that you get used
to it. [This woman is gagging for it, i can see her hrt patch
>from here]. "Any particular poses?" asks Tilly.
"Nothing unusual but anything dynamic is good." replies
the teacher [who is beginning to resemble an iguana the way her
tongue keeps flitting about wetting her lips]. Tilly tells the
Iguana that he'll let her know tomorrow.
Outside on the street, Michael is waiting for Liz.
She tells him that Jim had an engagement ring as well as the flowers.
"Oh god, better get in the car" is all he can think
to say. "What are we going to do?" enquires Michael.
"He had flowers, and a ring and he was walking" exclaims
Liz. He tells Liz she shouldnt feel guilty, she did her best for
Jim but she cant help it, she does feel guilty. "He needs
someone" she says. [Let it be me, let it be me!] "Where
are you going to stay?" asks Michael.. Liz, totally oblivious,
says again "he was walking, he could move by himself. Arent
you listening?" [obviously not cos he carries on asking her
where she's going to stay]. "You didnt see his face."
[im resisting the urge to say where his face was and why he might
not have seen Jims face, but Ill resist:)] "Yes I did"
says Michael. [liar, liar!!] "Well then you know we've wrecked
him. We might as well have pushed him off of another scaffold"
cries Liz. "We did everything to help him" says Michael
and in an amazing change of attitude Liz decides that "Yes,
we did."
End of part the first.
Part the second.
Up in the flat, Sally tells Greg not to worry, "we'll get
more orders. Shall I get Kevin to look after the girls tonight?"
"What good would that do" grunts Greg. "Well, it
wont get us any more orders but it will give us some time together"
whimpers Sally [bleh!] Greg says not to bother cos he'll probably
go out. "What about the house?" says Sally. "What
about it?" "Shall I put an offer in for it?" [this
woman has the business acumen of a labour conservative chancellor,
she could have paid for it by now with the inheritance].
The following morning Tilly and Leanne are chatting
and Tilly asks her for a tenner. "A tenner? how much do you
think i earn" says Leanne. "More than me" whinges
Tilly. [hasnt Tilly got a grant and a student loan for gods sake].
Watch out, here comes the highlight of the episode!!! Audreh comes
up to Nicky and says "shouldnt you be at your desk?"
"we dont have desks no" "where do you do your sums
then?" asks Audreh. "Im not doing sums" says Tilly
grinning. Audreh turns to Ken and says "is this right, they
dont have desks anymore Ken?"
Ken drolly replies "They dont have slates either
Audrey, or ink wells, or the cane." "Thats why theres
so many tearaways, no wonder teachers are scared of 'em all".
"Theyre not scared of me" assures Tilly.[no surprises
there I think]. "No, and you wont get a hundred lines for
being late to school" says Ken as Tilly goes off. Audreh
turns to chat to Ken. "Do you know, I used to get that all
the time, 'I must not talk in class, I must not talk in class'.
Can you believe that!?" "Yes!" says Ken with a
smirk. "Ooh Ken, you are awful" says Audreh, a la Dick
Emery.
Ken walks off as we see Baldwin driving down Coronation
Street. He pulls up by Greggg and asks him if he's lost any big
deals lately. "Ill get them back." assures Greg. "Not
if I have anything to do with it." says Mike. He gives Greg
a bit of unsolicited advice. "Keep your order book away from
your women. They like to chat to all and sundry." "What
do you mean by that?" And Baldwin smirks and says "Tell
Sally I said thanks", he laughs and drives off leaving Greg
looking as though a pigeon has just deposited something on his
best brown surge.
Liz turns up again at Jim's to have a chat. Jim asks
her if she wants to laugh cos he couldnt think of any other reason
why she'd want to spend time with a cripple. "Youre not a
cripple,". "No, Im not, am I?" says Jim. "And
its all thanks to you, thankyou very much". "I did what
anyone woudl do." "I think you underestimate yourself
Elizabeth, I cant think of another human being who would do what
youve done, in my bed!!" She tells him that she never said
that she'd marry him. He just balled it out at Des's wedding without
asking her. He tells her how he'd struggled to get back on his
feet for her. "No, Jim, you did it for you!". She told
him it didnt bother her about the wheelchair, but she wasnt in
love with him like that anymore. He asks her if she loves Michael
and Liz tells him its none of his business. "Not my business!
you were in my bed." She then repeats, ad nauseum, the lines
about how she doesnt love him anymore and that she doesnt want
him.[personally i think he's more upset about not being invited
for a threesome!] "I dont want to please you, I dont want
my arms around you.!!" "Oh, ok, what about hearing me,
seeing me, touching me, stuff like that?" "Why should
I? Think back over our life." "Oh its like that. A bit
of a change, a new man." "No, I just dont want to be
with someone who blackmails me into staying with them."
Back at college and Tilly is running up the steps to
school to speak with the Iguana. She sees that he hasnt got the
book with him [as if he'd carry it hanging between his legs which
is exactly where her eyes are!] "Does this mean you want
the job?" says Iggy."Yes please." "Some people
cant cope with the idea and we never see them again." "I
dont know if Ill be any good" whimpers Tilly. Iggy then tells
him that she needs him at 2pm cos the other guy has gone sick.
Nick didnt expect to do it so soon but she says "think of
all the students. Its you or a bowl of fruit." [!!!!!!] A
bowl of fruit or a vegetable, make your choice ladies, and gents!]
.
Back to Chez Macdonald [again!] and Jim is trying salvage
a bit of pride. He says he supposed she was expecting him to be
sat in the wheelchair pleading her to help him.[he's sat on the
sofa]. "In three months time Ill be able to do what he can
do" protests Jim. "You wont be able to stop being yourself"
carps Liz. Jim cant understand why she stayed looking after him.
She'd told him she loved him. "I was lying, to us both Jim."
She would have done the same for anyone she'd knowna long time.
Jim cant believe that and says that he knows he meant more to
her than that. "Im really proud of you" says Liz. She
wants to get on with her life, leave him behind. "To be with
Michael?" asks Jim. "To do as I please." says Liz.
But Jim cant resist barbing her. "Ive had the best years
of you , it wont be long till he goes for someone younger."
"Bye Jim". "Take a look in the mirror, Im right,
he'll drop you for someone younger."[like Barbara Cartland
maybe:)] Itll not be long before he pities you!". The door
closes behind Liz.
Over at Gregs rags, Sally tries to hold on to a customer[on
the phone] whilst all the stuff is delivered.
Then we're quickly drawn to Tilly's college where he
is clutching his bathrobe. "I dont believe Im doing this"
"Youll be fine" says Iggy. "Just one bit of advice,
forget about your body" [yeah right,as if she's going to]As
she says this, she has her arms around his shoulders waiting to
take his bathrobe off of him. There he is, in all his glory, a
number 2 HB with an eraser on the end.
Michael turns up at Deirdre's to talk to Liz. She tells
Michael that Jim started hitting back verbally. "What are
you going to do?" "I dont know, but im not going back".
He finally asks her if she's going to go with him to Milton Keynes
but she turns him down, even though the smile on her face says
she's glad that he asked her. "I wont quote Jims exact words,
but Im older than you. "It doesnt matter." "It
will in a year or two." Liz argues. He tells her he's no
kid and that he doesnt go from one woman to another. "I wanna
be with you Liz" "We've got no future". "Did
Jim say that?" asks Michael. "Yes." "And do
you believe him?" "I think I do." She tells him
she's grateful he came to see her but she'd lik him to go now."
Back at Greggs rags, Gregg tells Sally how chirpy she
sounds then proceeds to tell her what a great day he's had[sarcastically].
"Have you?" grins Sally. "Oh yeah, I ve ben selling
to anyone2. "Did you have any luck" she asks. "Oh
yeah, Ive got all the luck I need. Bad luck." "What
do you mean? " asks Sal. "Ive got a partner with a big
mouth" at which point Greg grabs Sally around the face, "someone
who doesnt know how to shut it.!!" "Greg" whimpers
Sally. He asks her who she's told and she says no one. "What
about Kevin."? "No". "Well how does Baldwin
know then? How come he's undercut us? How come no one wants to
do business with us?" "I dont know" protests Sally,
almost in tears. "I might have mentioned it to Gail."
"Oh, Gail, who's a friend of Alma's who's married to Baldwin."
He then notices the list with all the names crossed off.
At Chez Barnes, Des comes home and Tony asks him for
money. "A grand will do it. Mum'd give us it. Probably more."
he says he doesnt want to worry her. He's really evasive and Des
tells him to get a bank loan.
Back at Greggs rags and Sally tells him that the phones
have been ringing all day. She explains that she tried to tell
them than everything was fine. Then Greg sees all the boxes of
merchandise. "What are these?" "I ordered them
for these" says Sally waving the list about. "These
orders are cancelled. Who are we going to sell them to?"
She says somebody will buy them. "I thought we were doing
so well. What are we going to do?" "I know what Id like
to do" says Greg with bottom lip fully extended and eyes
glaring. "We'll have to cancel the cheque." But Sally
explains that they cant, she had to sign a bank mandate because
they wouldnt take a cheque, its already gone out of the bank.
"How much?" "£5,000". "Oh God"
says Greg.
And oh god is exactly what i said cos the damn video
ran out. But thanks to Glenda I am able to tell you that all I
missed was Greg showing Sally his Lennox Lewis impression as he
knocks her to the floor. The last shot is of Sally, lip bleeding,
looking at Greg.
Well, my apologies for the lateness of this but I havent
been a well gal but things are ok now. See you later in the week.
Love and stuff, Ruth
Friday 6 November
Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....
What's been happening this week, not a lot really,
I'm still making progress updating my website with technical
information to help people get on the IRC #coro_street chat-line,
and that seems to be well received... on IRC, a very pleasant
atmosphere, especially with an enjoyable Corrie trivia quiz on
Friday and the regular Saturday Night Oldies meet.
For those of you unaware, the quiz is on Friday nights
between 8 and 9 p.m. Eastern Time (Saturday morning 0100-0200
GMT) - we had a superb turnout this week with around 35 taking
part, and a good time was had by all.
As regards the Oldies show, CHFI in Toronto, broadcast
an excellent oldies music show (mainly late 50s through to 70s
music) on Saturday nights 6-11 p.m. Eastern Time (Saturday 2300
hours GMT till Sunday 0400). CHFI is on 98FM in the Toronto area
and at the following web address:
http://www.cybertv.to/chfi/index16.htm.
This is now a regular feature of Saturday nights with
3 continents regularly represented - if you are a fan of that
music era, I promise that you won't be disappointed by the excellent
selection of music - that and some great company and chat, make
for a good time!
What else? Well, just before the half-term holidays,
Trude was successful in a job interview - having spent 6 years
in a support capacity (English as a second language primarily
in Bangladeshi communities, Trude has been hankering after having
her own class again. Well, come January next year, that will
be a reality as Trude takes over a class nicknames "the
class from hell" - I think the word "interesting"
would be an appropriate euphemism for the future fate of all!!
Thinking of schools, now that half-term is out of the way, we
are now into the Christmas run. At this time of the year, the
nativity story is covered and the youngsters gear up for the
nativity play which is usually put on in the final week before
Christmas. A couple of real-life tales from the archives for
you to demonstrate the enduring natural humour of children.
The first tale involves a class who were told the
nativity story and asked to draw a picture depicting "The
Flight from Egypt". Well, one bright spark draws a picture
of an aeroplane (well it WAS the FLIGHT from Egypt!!) - he points
out Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. When he was asked who was
the front of the plane, the teacher received the indignant answer
"well, it's Pontius the pilot, who do you think?" !!!!!!
The second tale involves youngster who wanted to play
the part of Joseph, but was denied the part and told that he
would be playing the part of the Innkeeper. The day of the performance
comes and Joseph knocks on the door to ask if there was any room
at the inn, to which our disgruntled innkeeper retorts, in front
of the assembled audience "P*ss off!! I wanted to be Joseph!!"
They say timing is all.. a lively career awaits this natural
spark!!!
The episode commences in Greg's flat. Viewers will
recall that Greg struck Sally in a fit of temper, in the previous
episode. Sally is still in her dressing gown, nursing a cut lip.
Greg sheepishly comes in through the door, having been out all
night. She asks him where he has been. His reply of "Do you
care?", provokes a response of "No, not really."
But she is curious. "Bars, clubs, anywhere I could get a
drink!".. .She asks who he was with... "no-one you know"
is his reply... "oh and er, no-one female, either, if that's
what you're thinking", he adds. She tells him she wouldn't
care if he was out with every tart in Manchester, except someone
should warn them what an animal he is. He replies that she can
say what she likes, but it won't make him feel any worse than
he already does. "Good, and I hope you feel like that for
the rest of your life" is Sally's retort.
At the shop, Zoë is telling Ashley that Ruth has
just phoned and invited her out for the rest of the day. When
Ashley asks where they are going to go, Zoë tells him she
doesn't know - she had suggested looking around the shops, but
Ruth's reply was that it only made her want things she can't afford
and doesn't need, "which is true really, when you think about
it, because we only buy that stuff because everyone else does."
She announces they are going ice-skating instead, which sets off
Ashley down a wistful reminiscence of days gone by - he loved
going there when he was little, although he was never any good,
he confesses. He tells her that he hopes she has a nice time,
as she merrily skips off on her cheerful way. In the middle of
all of this, Nick has come in for some milk - he tries not to
pay, making the excuse that it's for Ashley's cocoa as well as
his, but Ashley is insistent he pays. After Zoë has left,
Nick asks Ashley whether he is happy about Zoe's friendship with
Ruth and Ben. Ashley admits that he didn't like them at first,
but they mean well and they are very nice people, we've got to
give them a chance. Nick isn't convinced, he thinks they are weird.
Ashley questions the judgement - is it because they aren't dressed
scruffily and don't go boozing every night and because they think
of more stuff than who is at the top of the charts? Nick retorts
that Ashley is sounding more and more like his Uncle Fred, but
Ashley points out that if Nick thinks that Ruth and Ben are weird,
then he should see some of the other people Zoë used to hang
around with.
Greg is asking Sally whether she is going into the
office, but she tells him she cannot do that without lying as
to how she acquired her bruises. He asks whether she wants him
to take the girls to school, but she is furious with him and doesn't
want him anywhere near them - she is keeping them with her today,
if they do venture out, its just going to be to the paper shop
on Rosamund Street to see if there are any flats to rent listed
in the Gazette. He is surprised that she is moving out, but she
tells him that she is not living with a man who hits her. He is
deeply apologetic, but she tells him to save his breath, she doesn't
want to hear it, she cannot even bear to be in the same room as
him. He insists they have to talk but her retort is that she thought
he preferred using his fists. He promises it will never happen
again, but Sally is in no mood for idle chat - her father had
knocked her mother about for years but she was too stupid and
too scared to do anything about it, she tells Greg. She is neither
of those and had vowed that no man would ever lay a finger on
her, or if he did, he would only do it once. Oh-oh!! Deep do-do
time for Greg.
Michael has popped round to Deirdre's to have a word
with Liz. Deirdre discreetly makes an exit to enable Michael and
Liz to talk in private. He tells Liz that he was on his way to
see a patient, but wanted to see how she was - he had this mad
idea, about her changing her mind and coming with him. She is
sorry to disappoint him, she replies, the way she sees it, she
has done something wrong and the only way to put it right is to
support Jim, if he will let her. "And I guess he will forgive
you eventually" replies Michael, but Liz admits that she
will probably never forgive herself. Michael's conscience gets
the better of him as he announces that he has to talk to Jim,
but Liz is insistent it will only make things worse. He admits
he feels guilty as well, but he doesn't intend to let it rule
his life. Liz doesn't think it's a good idea and doubts whether
Jim will even let him in. however, that isn't going to stop Michael
having a try.
Greg is with his solicitor, Richard. He is having some
hair of the dog and tells Richard that he was drinking last night
to forget - "mind you, I did meet this gorgeous blonde in
Fleet's Wine Bar - absolute goddess." He tells his solicitor
that he had a big bust up with Sally after she lost him an order
for £30,000, "blabbing to people she shouldn't have,
you know what they're like." He admits he lost his rag and
he hit Sally, he's not proud of himself, "but... thirty grand!"
She hasn't gone to the police, but she has said that she doesn't
want anything more to do with him, he confesses. They haven't
been getting on for a while, he admits, "she is so clingy,
absolutely no business sense whatsoever, she's actually quite
thick." When Richard expresses the view that Sally is quite
tasty, Greg tells him he is welcome to her, when he has finished
with her. Richard comments that he doesn't know how Greg keeps
up with the pretence, but Greg reveals that there is a lot at
stake - what he wants to know is, "if she does sling her
hook, what's gonna happen to the business?" All heart, eh??
Michael has let himself into Jim's house. He had knocked,
apparently, but there was no answer. The house is in darkness,
the curtains have not been opened - Jim is sitting in his wheelchair
in the dark , demolishing the contents of a bottle of whisky.
Jim is furious with Michael and tells him to get out but Michael
is insistent, he will not leave until he has said what he came
to say. He tells Jim that "it's time you stopped behaving
like a selfish old git and faced a few facts." Jim struggles
to get out his chair, but fails miserably. Michael says that Jim
is drowning in self-pity and asks whether he ever stops to think
about how Liz might be feeling. Jim is clearly in no mood for
a sermon, "You slept with her in my bed, in my house and
now you propose to waltz in here and give me a lecture about it"
he yells. Michael tries to tell him that the affair was not planned,
they had fought against it, but Jim is not impressed, "what
do you want me to do about it, celebrate?" When Michael says
he doesn't expect that but he should be prepared to accept what
has happened and to let Liz go. Jim is full of hatred and tells
him that the further Liz goes from him the better. In fact, he
never wants to set eyes on the pair of them again. Michael continues
to explain, it was never going to work out between him and Liz,
but Jim is incensed - it was certainly not going to work out while
he (Michael) was around and he asks him whether this is a regular
practice of his, to prey on cripples. Michael beseeches him not
to think of himself in that manner, he can walk now, he has his
whole life ahead of him, but "me and Liz love each other.
I know that hurts to hear, but it's time you started facing the
truth. She wants to come with me, but she can't because of some
stupid misguided loyalty she feels towards you." Jim reminds
Michael that he was sent round to pick up the pieces of his life,
not rub it in the dirt and destroy it. He betrayed him, he tells
Michael - "and you deluded yourself" is Michael's reply.
Jim tells Michael that he hates him more than he hates Liz, "she
couldn't help herself, she never could, but you, you ought to
know better." Michael insists he has done nothing he is ashamed
of, it just happened. "You've got no shame, you've got no
decency, let me give you a word of advice. Get out of my house
before I kill you."
Greg is still with his solicitor. Greg shows him the
bank mandate and has his fears confirmed, cheques require both
signatures. Strictly speaking, Richard tells him, he shouldn't
even take a fiver out of petty cash without her say so. Greg expresses
his surprise, but his legal friend tells him that this is what
he wanted to set up. He advises further that if Sally does decided
to dissolve the partnership, she can do so tomorrow, she is legally
entitled to take out every penny that she put in. Greg is full
of disbelief, "she can't do that! I've gotta keep this place
going, it's my livelihood." His solicitor tells him, in that
case, he needs to patch up thing between them. There is a look
of resignation on Greg's face as he realises he has no other option....
... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End
of part 1
After the ads, it's Part 2
The second part of the programme commences back at Ashley's. Nick
is studying the book lent to him by the art tutor, the one with
the male nude poses. Zoë come home and Nick quickly hides
the book under a cushion. Zoë excitedly announces to him
that she has a new job. She describes how, after going ice skating
in the morning, they went for a coffee, and Ruth and Ben told
them about a job where they worked. She is going to be working
in an office, she proudly tells him.
It is evening. At Des', he is ready for a pint. Natalie
asks Tony if he is sure he won't come with them. He declines her
offer, he'd rather watch TV. When Natalie tells him there are
plenty of beers in the fridge, Des sarcastically tells him to
help himself to whatever he fancies. Both Des and Natalie leave
the house for the pub. As they do so, Tony puts the safety chain
on the door.
Outside Des tells her that he is fed up of Natalie
spoiling her son. When she says she is just trying to make Tony
feel at home, Des replies he would prefer her dropping some more
hints about him moving out.
As they are crossing the road to go to the Rovers,
a car drives by. One of the passengers points out Natalie to the
driver, "that's his mam, I think, and her husband."
He points out the house and is told to phone Tony to see if he
is in.
Inside the pub, Des is exasperated with Tony. He tells
Natalie that he thinks Tony is having them on, they will never
get shut of him, he treats the place like a hotel. She, on the
other hand, wants to give her son a roof over his head, until
he gets back on his feet. Des adds that he doesn't believe "all
that crap about being in the music business for one second."
Natalie is unhappy at her son being branded a liar now, by Des.
Des thinks that Tony is a skiver, but Natalie is annoyed. Does
she want Tony putting in the army? Des is concerned though, he
feels that Tony is up to something and tells her that there have
been some very unsavoury characters around and he has asked to
borrow some money, "thinks he's going to get a sub on what
you get when you sell the house." Natalie replies that Tony
should have asked her and asks whether Des helped him out. "What
does he need money for?" is Des' query. "Because he's
skint" is her reply. She recognises that it's not an ideal
start to married life, the three of them together under one roof,
but, she asks Des to try to make him welcome - she fears that,
otherwise, when Tony leaves he is going to stay away altogether.
"Whatever you say dear" is Des' reply. In any case,
Natalie continues, it really is no big deal if Tony has a few
shifty mates and owes a few bob.
At Des' place, his friend, Jason, from Sheffield rings
the doorbell for Tony. As Tony comes to door and opens up, his
friend moves away. Hidden in the shadows are the rest of the gang,
who force their way into the house with baseball bats in hand.
"Not trying to avoid me, eh, Tony?" cries Carl, the
ringleader, "only you just took off, you never left me an
address or nowt. It's only thanks to Jason here that we managed
to find you at all." Tony makes the excuse that he is only
staying for a few days, then he was coming back. When he is asked
whether he has the money he owes them, he says, yes of course,
but not here, he will have it for them. Carl is not impressed,
he is getting sick of Tony's games, he doesn't think Tony is giving
this matter enough urgency, what he needs is a little gee up.
Tony begs for a few more days to pay, as the gang starts to lay
into him.
Next door, at Ashley's, Nick can hear some noises above
the sound of the television, some shouting next door, but decides
he must have been mistaken. Ashley is talking to Zoë about
her new job, who is it for, he asks. She is not sure. She doesn't
know how much she will be paid. She will find out when she gets
there, she tells them. Ashley tries to clarify matters - so she
hasn't actually got the job then. Zoë tells them that they
(Ruth and Ben) were going to put in a good word for her with their
boss, she is to go along on Monday for an induction. Ashley is
pleased. Leanne tells her that when Zoë gets there on Monday,
she is to ask them if they have a job for Nick. He replies that
he already has a job. This is news to Leanne, as Nick admits that
he got a job today - it is working in the labs at the college,
he tells her. She is very proud of him and comes over to embrace
him. As she does so, she sits down on the book Nick has hidden
behind the cushion. She opens it up and exclaims that "it's
a mucky book. It's full of pictures of naked men." He tells
her that it's his book, its for a project he is doing at college,
on physique and muscle tone. Leanne is delighted and kisses Nick.
At Greg's flat, Sally is phoning for accommodation.
She is asking how big the garden is, as she has two little girls.
As she does so, Greg comes back in. He has flowers in hand. He
has overheard her conversation and asks whether she is serious
about leaving. Dead serious, is her reply. She asks whether the
flowers are for her. He tells her they are her favourites and
he got something for the girls as well. You can stick them in
the bin, she replies. He pleads with her, but she refuses to be
fobbed off, to use the girls to get to her, he should have saved
himself the money, or was it her money, she asks. Greg tells her
he understands she must hate him, but they cannot just throw away
everything they've got because of one mistake. She gets annoyed
at his inability to see the seriousness of the situation, "You
make it sound like all you did was stay out late one night. Look
at me!" He tells her that he has never done anything like
this before in his life and he never will again. He doesn't know
what came over him. He puts it down to the pressures of the last
few months, having to keep quiet about their business venture,
Kevin finding out, trying to get the business off the ground,
the four of them cooped up in this tiny little flat. Then he finds
out that Baldwin had shafted them, he just snapped inside. It
was Baldwin he want to get at, not her. Sally tells him to save
his excuses, she has heard them all before, her father was very
sorry after he had hit her mum and had sworn he would never do
it again. She is not living with a violent man, especially with
two little girls to think about, at least Kevin never laid a finger
on her. She will never be able to trust him. He pulls out the
pity card and tells her that he is so ashamed, he hates himself
and what is worse, what is really cutting him up is what she was
saying, about growing up with a violent father. Vowing she wouldn't
stand for it. Every day of his life, he has said the same thing
to himself, he tells her. When Sally asks if his step father used
to hit Greg's mother, his reply is "not just my mother."
In the Rovers, Michael has come back in - he seeks
out Liz and tells her about his meeting with Jim. He had to try
to make his peace with Jim, he explains. Deirdre asks when he
is starting his new job. He tells her it will be in a couple of
weeks as he has to work through his notice first. Then he has
to go down there to find somewhere to live. "Fancy coming
with me?" he asks Liz, "I could do with a second opinion",
he adds unconvincingly. Not getting a response from Liz, he bids
them farewell.
Steve has seen the cosy conversation and comes over.
"So, what did lover-boy have to say?" He tells her that
it's all a bit close to home, even by his own standards. When
Liz asks who told him, he replies that her main worry is not him
knowing, it's the man in her life, he knows he's stupid, but he's
not that stupid. Liz tells him that Jim already knows. Steve sniggers
"I bet that went down well." Liz tells him they are
sorting it out between them, but it is time for Steve to rub salt
into the wound as revenge, "I'll tell you what makes me laugh...",
he commences. Deirdre chips in "seeing other people unhappy",
but Steve ignores her. "When Fiona found out about me and
Maxine, you were the first to jump on your high horse, weren't
you, now you're sleeping with dad's physio. It's a bit hypocritical,
isn't it?" Deirdre asks him whether he cannot drink somewhere
else, but Steve has made his point and departs. Deirdre tells
Liz not to take any notice, but Liz recognises the truth of what
he has said. Deirdre asks Liz an outright question - why is she
staying around here? She must be mad. Jim isn't going to thank
her for it and even if he takes her back in, he will always hold
it against him, she tells Liz. Steve is a dead loss. If she were
her, she would be on the next train. Liz is full of excuses, it's
not that simple is it. Deirdre begs to differ, Michael is a lovely
man and he is offering Liz the chance of a fresh start. Liz sees
it as running away, but Deirdre doesn't view it that way, getting
away from Steve and Jim would be a bonus. But Liz is adamant,
she cannot go. Why not, asks Deirdre, is it really so terrible,
that Liz might come out of all this happy? Time to ponder, eh
Liz?
At Greg's flat, Sally has put the girls to bed. Greg
is continuing his sob story, how from the outside everyone thought
they were the perfect family. Nice big house, loads of money,
that's what they thought. Sally asks whether Greg's step-father
was very violent and Greg tells her that he was violent enough
for them both to be afraid to be alone in the house with him.
He tries not to think about it, he certainly doesn't talk about
it, it's all in the past, or at least he thought it was, these
things screw you up in ways in which you cannot imagine, he confides.
He has Sally on the emotional rails, she is full of sympathy for
him and says that he should talk about it to someone, a professional
person. He tells her that there is only one person he can talk
to in his life and that is her. Having dangled the bait, he pulls
it away - he shouldn't have got into all this he tells her, he
makes out that he needs to pack a bag, it would be better if he
stayed at a B & Bwhile she found somewhere. She tells him
he needn't do this, she wants to have another go. He cannot believe
she is serious, but she warns him, if he as much as raises his
voice to her again, that's it. They embrace, as we see relief
on his face, that yet again, he has managed to pull a stunt over
her.
Des and Natalie are leaving the pub and going back
home - Des is sarcastically saying he hopes Tony hasn't drunk
all his cans of beer, he apologises for his snide remark. As they
come into the house, Natalie is surprised that all the lights
are off, maybe Tony has gone to bed. As they come into the house,
they see that Tony is lying on the floor, having been badly beaten
up. Tony is covering his face but Natalie cannot get a reply from
him. He pulls away Tony's hands and is horrified at what she sees
and becomes distraught. She asks Des to call for an ambulance.
The look on Des' face shows that his fears of something untoward
have been well founded.
.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and
credits
Episode written by Mark Wadlaw
All material is, and remains, copyright property of
Granada Television.
Well, how was it for me?
Not a classic episode, despite some action, as a number
of storylines move along towards a conclusion. We see Sally's
relationship with Greg deteriorating , even though he has wormed
his way out of the problem in this instance - but he is clearly
living on borrowed time. Also on borrowed time, is Liz and Jim's
relationship - actually, that is past its sell-by date, despite
Liz believing she needs to assuage her guilt. Zoë is getting
involved with her new friends and, at this stage, it is not obvious
as to what will happen, but she is clearly very taken with them.
And of course, Tony's past is starting to catch up with him,
as he reaps his rewards for getting involved in a shady world
where he is out of his depth.
The classic one-liner of the week.. well, there wasn't
one!! Funny moments, there wasn't one of them either.... sigh....!!!
Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take
care...
Hugs and kisses from Tinky^
Regards, Alan
Sunday 8 November
[Please insert interesting snippet of recent events
in your own life here, add your name to the bottom of the list
and mail a copy to the 5 people listed above you. Things are
a bit confusing for me at the moment, and too little time today
to explain.]
[PS. If you take offence at anything I might say in
these updates, and I grant you I can be offensive, sometimes
even deliberately, please have the courtesy to engage in e-mail
debate with an address to which I can respond. Or suffer in silence
!]
Right, let's get straight down to more (humdrum) business.
Act 1
The episode opens with an aerial shot of an ambulance carting
the hapless, witless and generally everythingless Tony off to
hospital. Natalie is distraught, as any good mother should be,
even when your son is a complete waste of space. Des tries to
console her, saying Tony will be fine after a few stitches and
a night in a hospital bed. Natalie has convinced herself that
Tony has been hurt while defending the house against burglars.
Gary advises Jim to let Liz go, and get on with his
life. "She's not your wife any more", he points out.
Jim is still fuming, though. He drops a hint that maybe Michael
won't get the job in Milton Keynes after all, see he's been doing
some research and there's such a thing as a professional code
of practice. Therapists shouldn't be carrying on with their clients,
or their families. "Liz isn't your wife", says Gary
again.
Now, we've had a little medical scene earlier, so naturally
who should arrive at Des' house but Martin ! Des tells him that
he thinks Tony has been mixing with the wrong crowd, and that
he [Des] is more worried about his house than his step-son. Apparently,
there's nothing missing though, other than "a couple of Tony's
teeth". [It would be fitting if Tony had lost a few brain
cells too, but there was no sign of any damage to his arse.] Des
will be happy if Tony doesn't get out for several days, as it'll
be less aggravation for him. "This was no robbery",
he says.
Leanne is puzzled why Nick is being so secretive about
his new job. He tells everyone that he wasn't sure how long it
might last. There is general skepticism about Nick's qualifications
for working in a chemistry lab, but he points out that he's just
an assistant. "All I do is get the equipment out at the beginning,
and put it away at the end !". [ROFL!!!]
Deirdre is furthering her role as counsellor to Liz.
In the Rovers. She is keeping an eye on Jim, who seems to be on
sentry duty nearer the door. They decide to have another drink
as there's no way Liz is going to walk past him voluntarily. Les
rushes in and tells everyone what has been going on over at Des
and Natalie's house - it appears that the arrival and departure
of the ambulance had passed unnoticed. Kevin, pointedly, asks
if Natalie was okay.
Jim tackles Michael, and tells him he intends to make
a formal complaint.
Natalie arrives home from the hospital, and Des tells
her that the police will be round the next day to talk to Tony,
after he's out of hospital. They have a bit of a ding-dong about
why it is that nothing's missing. Natalie is convinced Tony was
fighting off some burglars, and was knocked unconscious. Des points
out that they could have emptied the house after that, but nothing's
missing. What about Tony, what has he said ? But Tony, apparently,
can't remember anything after he opened the door. "Very convenient",
replies Des.
Intermission
A brief pause for breath, while the video is on fast-forward,
sharpen the old editorial pencil, and straight on with...
Act 2
Leanne is telling Nick how boring it can be, working in the shop.
Nick is just leaving for college, when the phone rings. "It's
some woman... for you", Leanne tells him. He answers the
phone, and goes into a huddle [mmm can you have a huddle of one
?] and whispers a few words into the receiver. Leanne asks who
it was. Nick tells her it was his boss, asking if he could put
in a few hours that afternoon. Leanne is surprised that he hadn't
said he was working for a woman. [She'd be even more surprised
to see how much interest Nick's boss is taking in his work !]
Still desperately trying to pad the story out, the
scriptwriters have us back at the Barnes household, where Natalie
is still trying to convince Des that Tony is some sort of hero.
The more they argue, the more Des is sure that he is nothing of
the sort. Tony walks in in the middle, having discharged himself.
Des tackles him about what had really going on. Get off my back,
replies Tony. Anyway, he needs some rest. And he'll need it before
the police arrive to interview him. This alarms Tony.
Leanne and Rita are chatting in the Kabin. Alec arrives
with the good news that the connecting door has finally been finished.
He invites Rita to a grand opening ceremony later that afternoon.
After he leaves, Leanne smirks knowingly at Rita.
Hayley asks Gail what she and Martin do most evenings.
Put the kids to bed and watch telly, is the gist of her response.
[I empathise.] Any road, Roy and Hayley have decided they should
do more. A few cultural possibilities are floated, and sunk, before
they agree that evening classes might be the answer. Hayley will
go and get some information. [Anyone spot the upcoming plot here
? Good. 10/10.] At a table in the café, Liz and Michael
are discussing what to do with Jim. Apart from shoving him down
the steps at Odessa, the answer seems to be not very much. Michael
has told Jim that he loves Liz. This hadn't gone down well with
big Jim. Liz is worried that Michael may lose his job, and she
doesn't want that to happen.
A policeman has arrived, to interview Tony. He fails
to fool anyone with his laughable story about not remembering
anything other than two white blokes, with brown hair, in their
20s or 30s. With nothing to go on, the policeman leaves. Des observes
that Tony has only narrowed the suspects down to half the male
population. "Get off my back", says Tony, never stuck
for a new phrase, and goes upstairs again, shoving Des out of
the way in the process.
Back to the café to pick up Michael and Liz
again. Liz thinks Jim might change his mind about making a complaint
if she stays with him. Michael says he doesn't care, he'll get
another job and start again, but he wants Liz to be with *him*.
Alec and Rita cut the ribbon on the new door between
their flats. She is a little unsure if they have done the right
thing, but he points out the door can be locked from both sides.
He'd thought about opening a bottle of champagne to mark the occasion,
though. Rita asks him round for supper that night - they will
have a bit of celebration after all. And he can bring the champagne,
too !
Leanne and Nick and Ashley are waiting to go out to
a club. Zoe is wrapped up in a phone conversation with Ruth. "Psycho
babble", comments Nick. [He's been getting all the best lines
tonight.] He suggests to Leanne that they might be able to afford
a short holiday next year, now he is earning a little bit of money.
Zoe finally comes off the phone and tells them excitedly that
her job offer is definite, and she can start on Monday. Nick remarks
to Leanne that they obviously only employ "nutters"
at this office.
Natalie goes off to work, but not before she has checked
that her precious Tony will be alright. She needn't fear, no sooner
has she shut the front door than Des lays into him. [Verbally
! This is a family show...] Des knows something's up, just that
he doesn't know exactly what it is yet. Tony fears for nothing,
as he's Natalie's flesh and blood, whereas Des has only known
her for 5 minutes. She'll stick up for Tony when it comes down
to it.
Round at Rita's flat, she and Alec have finished their
meal. He thanks her for a lovely evening. "If you do change
your mind, we can get that door bricked up faster than it was
put in", says Alec. She tells him not to worry about the
time, as Leanne is opening up the shop in the morning. He opens
another bottle of bubbly, saying another hour won't matter then.
"Don't stay an hour, Alec, stay the night", she surprises
him. [It's an old trick, but the cork flies out of the champagne
bottle as she says this.] Alec looks both delighted and nervous.
More drear from Liz and Michael to wind the show up
tonight. She's *still* thinking about staying put, and he's *still*
trying to convince her she'd be better off with him, someone who
loves her, than with Jim, who'll only resent her for what's happened.
"Come with me", he pleads, "leave all this behind."
[For Ghod's sake, GO !!]
This episode was written by Catherine Hayes.
I wish I could find something particularly positive
to say about tonight's episode. But it was rather, as I said,
humdrum. Nice to see Nick getting some funny lines to deliver.
By the end of the show though, I wanted to reach into the set
and strangle Liz and Michael. And especially Tony - he is *hopeless*.
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **
Hoping for better things next week.
John Laird
Monday 9 November
Greetings Comrades :)
I apologise for the late running of this Monday Update.
<EXCUSES>
I was out on Monday night witnessing the freshly reformed (and
indeed rejuvenated!) BLONDIE peddle their extremly fine wares
to an unsuspecting audience and then by the time Tuesday came
round I discovered I'd been struck with some kind of unpleasant
flu virus (I'm sure the two events are unconnected...) which
not only meant I had to miss out on seeing Billy Bragg in concert
on Tuesday (*wail*), but it also meant I've been holed up in
bed for the last couple of days, unable to scribble my usual
nonsense about Monday's Coronation Street. But never one to shirk
my duty, I have braved the snivvles, aches and pains, hauled
my ailing carcass up onto a chair, taken appropriately coloured
pills and decided to attempt the Monday Update... Better a bit
late and half-hearted than never, eh? :)
</EXCUSES>
It's the morning after the night before in Weatherfield's
latest little lovenest... Rita and Alec are eating breakfast,
looking rather pleased with themselves and engaging in small talk.
Alec says, in between chomps of toast, that he doesn't usually
eat breakfast unless it's in a hotel and included with the cost
but this morning he's "quite peckish" and "certainly
not complaining". Rita goes on to inform him, much to his
surprise, that he snores loudly but Alec lets her know it's only
if he's had "a glass or two too many" before assuring
that -she- doesn't snore and even if she did he wouldn't say anything
to "avoid hurting her feelings"! Rita rolls here eyes
and muses aloud that there's "something to be said about
being alone with a newspaper at this time in the morning"
before making the suggestion that they both to get off to work.
Alec recommends, sagely, that they exit through their own respective
front doors so that "all and sundry don't know what's going
on behind locked doors and drawn curtains"! Rita concedes
that they can do without all the excess "nudging and winking"
and they plan to meet up on the corner outside the Kabin in a
few minutes as if nothing's happened... That'll throw 'em, eh?
(As if the whole Street doesn't know already about the adjoining
door Alec had fitted between their two flats!)
Zoe and Ashley, at this very moment, are crossing the
road and she is concerned about whether she's dressed appropriately
for her new job (funnily enough, she's not dressed any differently
than usual) and although he reassures her that she is, she has
to ask a nearby Maud Grimes for a second opinion. Maud agrees
with Ashley and having gained the approval of these two much heralded
fashion gurus, Zoe makes a lunch- date with Ashley and heads off
merrily to "The Foundation", to start work.
Just then, Alec and Rita enter the Street from their
respective doors and meet on the corner, proclaiming Fred-Elliot-volume
"GOOD MORNING!"'s to each other. Their plan is foiled
however when Martin Platt steps out of the Kabin and wonders "what
went wrong" with Alec's hole-in-the-wall plan and why the
two of them are emerging out of seperate doors. Rita informs the
Nosey Nurse that there is a "proper door, WITH a lock"
in place between the two flats, but in the true spirit of 'nudge
nudge wink wink', Martin suggests bawdily that Alec won't "need
a pair of burglar's tools to get through that, eh?" before
chuckling off into the distance leaving Alec seething at their
inability to "have a private life 'round here". (Having
been on the Street as long as he has, he should have learnt this
valuable lesson a *LONG* time before now!)
Over at Number 6, Natalie suggests happily that Tony
accompanies Des to work today but both her boys seem rather, err,
unimpressed by the idea, gasping "NO!" in unision. Tony
makes for the bathroom, hastily, after mumbling something about
having to make some 'phone calls during the day. Des decides to
take leave also and asks Natalie if she's going to be alright
in case "they come back" but Nat, uncharacteristically
oblivious (c'mon, she's smarter than this!) maintains that "they"
were burglars and wouldn't come back again after what happened
the last time... Des doesn't even bother to argue this time round
and simply leaves for work.
Over at some house ("The Foundation" HQ,
apparently), decorated with posters of the Sun and pretty things
like that, Zoe encounters Ruth Of The Eerie Eyebrows, who welcomes
her, spookily... "This is the first day of the rest of your
life..." she sing-songs as the CLICHE ALARM rings at full
blast, "it's more than a job, this is a whole way of life
and, we think, the only right way!"... Just then her partner
in crime, Ben (who is looking increasingly like Jools Holland
with each episode!), arrives, equally joyous to see that their
new recruit is present. I have to wonder at this point where all
the other members of The Foundation are... It's a big empty house
and it appears that the only occupants are Ben & Ruth... Bizarre...
Anyway, Ben reckons Zoe is going to be one of their "stars"
(Human sacrifice, anyone?) and then presents her with HER VERY
OWN (brace yourself) CRYSTAL OF NIRAB (Obviously named after top
TV Producer Nirab Karp ;))! This is their way of welcoming her
to "the family" (Charles Manson, anyone?) and he goes
on to say that she's 'one of them' now... Not just her though...
Her *and* Baby Shannon. They are both now part of "The Foundation"...
(Ok, you can stop giggling now...)
Over at the Rovers, Alec is hitting the Stout, much
to Natalie's surprise. He exclaims, gruffly, that it "builds
a man up" but she believes that should he build himself up
any more "he's going to need planning permission" (lol!).
He is indignant but goes on to proudly tell her how he's "not
fat, just pleasantly plump", that "thin men are bad
news" and that he "may be knocking on a bit but all
is in working order". He still has "all his facilties
and *cough* all his faculties"! Across the room, Action Man
Michael enters and (no prizes for guessing this) accosts Liz in
a nearby booth. He buys her a drink and asks the withering old
trout AGAIN to come with him to Milton Keynes with even more William
Shatner-esque melodrama than ever before (*zzzz*). (One question
though... What the Hell are these two going be doing once they
get there? Seemingly the only (brief) times that they've spent
together have been strictly reserved for bonking and I don't recall
the last time they actually shared a 'conversation' that wasn't
about Jim MacDonald or Milton bleedin' Keynes!!!) Anyway, the
dialogue is near-identical to that of the last 200 scenes these
two have been in so there's no need to repeat it here. The only
difference is that at the end of all the blathering and O.T.T.
acting, she finally agrees to come with him and they have a brief
snog, in front of the entire, astonished Rovers staff. Natalie
looks on and proclaims, with perfect comic timing, "Well
then... I reckon he's been on the stout!"
Wa-hey! At last, The Nation's Favourites are back!
:) Lady Hayley of Patterson is standing in the cafe with Sir Royston
of Cropper, eating a chocolate bar and perusing a list of evening
classes. She suggests a few ideas to Roy as to what they might
sign up for but doesn't seem to be making much progress. Jewellry
making doesn't go down well since neither of them have much use
for it ("I only have one pair of cufflinks" says Roy,
baffled by the suggestion, "And I rarely use them!")...
Cooking isn't feasible either as Roy explains "I.. I.. run
a cafe. If I start having cookery lessons I'll never hear the
end of it!"... They hilariously examine the possibities of
language courses, next. Dutch is a bad idea ("You're not
still hankering after Amsterdam are you?" asks Roy, at the
idea!) since "they all speak English anyway", but Roy's
suggestion of Spanish is an instant hit! "Brilliant!"
yelps Hayley, "All the girls at work have been to Spain...
er, they don't speak it though... Still, if we ever went I'd love
to be able to speak to the locals!" which prompts Roy to
reel off a list of Spanish-speaking countries, as mutual enthusiasm
mounts! Hayley leaves, excitedly, to sign them up for the course
and as she exits proclaims "See you later... or should I
say.. Hasta la vista!"... Sir R's response is the show-stealer
of the night but unfortunately translates rather badly from screen
to text. "Kimosabe!" he hollers across the room merrily
before adding "Err, oh no.. that's not Spanish at all, is
it?" (LOL! The mere *look* on his face is worth a million
quid!)
As poor Ashley sits alone in t'caff, Zoe is being led
around The Foundation by Ruth. She apologises that, at this stage,
she can't show Zoe "THE SANCTUM" (!!!) until she has
been "recieved into The Foundation" (eh? Didn't they
already do this?). She then enthuses, with much eyebrow movement,
that they'll train Zoe to use a computer (Ahh, so *this* is who's
responsible for all those MAKE MONEY FAST spam mails I keep getting!)
before hastily adding that "the Foundation isn't just about
office skills though, it's about life, and the life beyond life"
(This dialogue is pants... pants beyond pants...). She then gives
Zoe a briefcase and promptly disappears up her own arse with the
words: "It's time to enter into what ordinary people call
'The Real World'... But you and I know better don't we? The Real
World is inside you, inside me and inside the one great wholeness..."
*whoosh* There she goes!
Meanwhile, Des arrives home early at Number Six to
find his new stepson doing the gardening outside. However, with
Tony not being hotly tipped as a green-fingered type, the suspicion
runs high and, despite much protests from the Hateful Horrocks,
Des swiftly digs up about an inch (if that!) of dirt with his
fingers and discovers a bag of white powder, which I seriously
doubt is something to help the flowers grow... The dialogue is
so painfully cliche'd (ie: "What's this?" asks Des,
wide-eyed in a Joe Pesci kinda way, "Buried treasure, eh
Tony?") that I'll spare you the torture of reading it and
cut mercifully to the ads...
END OF PART ONE
More plastic bimbos telling us how good their cosmetics are (Hmm,
there's an original slant, never seen *that* before...), more
woefully obscure nonsense from the Beefeater restaurants (what
*ARE* these adverts about???), more gratuitous flesh from the
skin-care department, a few seconds of Michael Barrymore getting
knocked unconcious by a boxing glove on a spring (YES! Now *there*'s
a decent advert!) and finally Kate Moss, cavorting about in that
stick-insect kind of way that only she can, pretending to be the
Terminator, declaring "war" on split ends with her swanky
new hair-care products...
The mind well and truly boggles. So let's get back
to what ordinary folk call the Real World...
PART TWO
Eh up, it's Des and Tony again... In the kitchen. Des is holding
Tony up against the wall by his neck in true gangsta stylee and
I'll spare you the whole "I knew you were up to no good!"/"But,
but, but I need the money!" exchange since, if you've ever
watched *any* TV show dealing with a drug-deal scenario, you'll
have seen it before... Oh, and surprise sur- bleedin'-prise, Des
flushes Tony's bag of dodgy goods down the sink and then, as Tony
tearfully tries to fetch it back, Des smashes the CLICHE-O- METER
into pieces by saying "Look at yourself, Tony, just look
at yourself". At this point, a single tear falls from my
cheek as I remember that this is the same Des Barnes that only
a few years ago was goofing around hilariously with good ol' Arthur
the Gnome and who is now merely playing the part of a third rate
Charles Bronson. [Incidentally, Eagle- Eyed viewers will notice
that I spliced two seperate scenes into one there. I'm sure no
one minds or cares that I did this... It simply didn't warrant
2 paragraphs, IMHO...]
Ruth and Zoe are standing on the doorstep of some dosile
housewife (who may or may not be a mute) trying to peddle their
wares. "Your very own Crystal Of Nirab! You've probably seen
programmes about this on the TV (!!). It's not just a beautiful
piece of jewellry... It's actually focused to channel the magnetic
forces so that you harmonise with the beneficial flow (!!!). Not
just for physical health but for spiritual well-being too. Lots
of World Leaders have these and so do I, well, I wouldn't be without
mine. It's only £9.99 on a beaded chain and then the gold
chain at £19.99!" is the jaw-dropping sales pitch and
amazingly the abnormally quiet housewife purchases with gusto!
As Zoe and her lunatic mate leave the doorstep, it's explained
that by selling these pug-ugly lumps of plastic on a string, The
Foundation can be kept financially alive. Zoe however has no confidence
in her ability to sell these things but Ruth persuades her that
she's a "very talented person" and will do just fine.
Oh joy, oh rapture, it's the MacDonald's. Jim is sitting,
as he always does, in a darkened living room as Liz, once again
(Hello! Production!? Can we drag this dreadful storyline out a
bit further without making any progress!?) is telling him that
he has no right to threaten Michael. Once again, Jim replies with
his usual nonsense about how the Occupational Therapist was sent
round to look after him and instead "seduces" his "wife".
Liz gives the auto-response that she wasn't "seduced"
and isn't his "wife". Jim... Liz... Jim... Liz... JIM!
LIZ! JIM! LIZ! ARRRRGH! It's all too much! Oh yes, and Jim uses
the word "Bastard" quite prominently for anyone who's
keeping a swear-counter on the show.
Next up, Zoe bounces into The Foundation HQ and apparently
has sold 2 crystals "virtually on her own". Ben enters
at this point and begins to lay down the really heavy weirdness,
telling her that although selling these crystals to bored housewives
may seem trivial... "...Everything we do from the moment
we wake up to our last concious thought is trivial. All of it
is trivial in comparison to the time that's coming, very very
soon... This present age that we live in with our Earthly bodies
is coming to it's close... A violent end! A cataclysmic end!!"
(Anyone else feel like they're listening to poor Death Metal lyrics
here?)... Then one of the most unintentionally hilarious lines
I've ever heard is uttered with fantastic comic timing: "How
is it coming? *pause* We... don't, err, know... Nirab hasn't told
us yet!" (Well, of course he hasn't you silly sods, he resigned
from production duties a couple of weeks ago! ;)) But of course,
this speech is wrapped up with the fact that as long as she's
part of The Foundation, she has nothing to fear as they are the
only ones who'll be able to enter into the next life... where
Baby Shannon is waiting. "Go home, Zoe", he finally
murmurs with deadpan 'charm', "Ruth and I will now go into
the Sanctum to give thanks" before warning her that "fleshly
contact with those outside the Foundation" is strictly forbidden...
Anyone with a straight face at the end of this unabashed nonsense
deserves a medal!
Tony and Des, meanwhile, audition for roles in "Eastenders".
They yell, holler, shout, scream, rant and rave to each other
for about in a minute in the kitchen of No.6 before Des strikes
a deal with his Stupid Stepson that he won't say a word about
the drugs as long as Tony bogs off out of Weatherfield and goes
somewhere completely new, like London, to "get a proper job,
like everyone else has to".
In the Rovers, Janice and Natalie harp on briefly on
how the mob that beat up poor, innocent Tony should be locked
up for good before the camera cuts over to Alec and Rita at the
other end of the bar. Rita subtly mentions that "if you leave
a door standing open, people get the idea they've got the right
of way. Some of the time it has to be closed and I'd like an early
night tonight" and, as Alec's face lights up with the promise
of a repeat performance, Rita concludes that she's "just
started a new steamy novel" and "would like the door
closed". Err... It's just too obvious to make rude comments
here so I'll simply say that Alec looks a tad disappointed and
we move swiftly along to...
...The House Of Elliot, where Zoe and Ashley are eating
dinner (and it looks to me like there's meat in that!)... Ashley
is disheartened that she didn't keep their lunch-date as promised
but Zoe is too busy gushing about her new job to care. She enthuses
that they're going to teach her how to use "one of them computers"
(expect to see ZTattersall@Foundation.Com in RATUCS any minute
now!) and then proudly displays her very own CRYSTAL OF NIRAB
which she claims gets her "magnetic forces running right
way, like" before attesting that it keeps the bad vibes out
and the good vibes in (like, groovy, man...). Ashley expresses
justifiable concern but Zoe palms him off with a simple "You
don't understand, you'll never understand... You're not one of
us!"
The final scene of tonight's episode involves a Delighted
Des and a Tired Tony entering the Rovers, ordering pints and sharing
some "news" with a Naive Natalie... Tony claims, with
a bit of pushing, that he's "got a job", "in promotions",
"down in London" and will have to leave quite shortly
as it's "too good an opportunity to pass up"... That's
it, cue credits!!!
This episode was written by John Stevenson (and allegedly
produced by Nirab Karp!) and, admittedly, is a marked improvement
over the last few. This cult malarky is becoming a bit less dreadful
because I'm now thoroughly convinced that it *MUST* be the scriptwriters
taking the piss. With dialogue as bad as some of the stuff Ben
was coming out with, it *has* to be a joke. Still, that's not
to say I agree with such blatant self-parody in Corrie but I
do find it a damn sight easier to digest than the gloomy, gritty
tedium of this appalling Tony Horrocks 'story'. There's not a
single line in it that hasn't been said before and it's predictable
as all Hell, not to mention far too downbeat, inappropriate and
staringly out-of-place for the show.
The Liz & Michael storyline seems to be *finally*
reaching a head, slowly but surely, so we can thank our lucky
stars for that... Alec provided a lot of laughs with his "I'm
all man" schtick and Natalie responded with commendable
comic timing... But the show-stealers, as ever, were Roy and
Hayley, despite the fact that their 2.5 minute scene was probably
the most innocuous and harmless bit of fluff in the whole show.
I had a grin on my face and a giggle in my belly throughout the
whole thing and by the time Roy had yelled "Kimosabe!",
I was nearly splitting my sides with laughter. We need far more
well-scripted dialogue like this in the show from any or preferrably
ALL of the characters and, IIRC, it wasn't *that* long ago when
we last saw something like that.
So, in conclusion, the show is getting better than
it has been for the last couple of weeks. Now it's my turn to
get better. :)
Take care! The Rattler
This Monday Update was sponsored
by Scott 4 (What I was listening to) and Stella Artois (What I
would have been drinking, usually!).
Wednesday 11 November
This, when it's finished, will be the first of my
updates to be fully completed within my new home in Sussex Place.
By a twist of fate it closely follows the reappearance in the
news of Mr Evon Berry, whose family have recently been presented
with his posthumous gallantry award. Mr Berry, a popular caretaker
of a local community centre, was shot dead on New Years Day,
1996, not 200 yards from where I sit, at the other end of Sussex
Place, after intervening with a drugs gang attempting to infiltrate
the area.
I mention this because it does have some topical relevance
to the matter in hand. Sussex Place would make a good setting
for a soap opera I think, with its mixed inner-city community,
small shops, and nearby pubs and café - though I know
little of the marital infidelities that go on here. Events like
Mr Berry's murder are the sort of thing that add extra spice,
though I fear that one violent death in three years would be
pretty poor stuff by modern soap standards. At least people in
Bristol were genuinely shocked by Mr Berry's death and things
really did change for the better as a result. And we were spared
seeing Mr Berry's smiling face looking out of the cover of Venue
magazine two weeks before his demise, as we can now see Des Barnes
on the covers of every TV magazine in every newsagent right now.
He, like Evon Berry, is going to be killed next Wednesday after
intervening in a drugs dispute. There's no secret about it, it's
not a casual leak, it's been set up with the full connivance
of the producers. So what's the point of watching? Drama used
to be about tension, and not knowing what will happen next. Now
it seems we have to have it all flagged up in advance - it's
as if we all need to be wrapped up in cotton wool and protected
from nasty shocks. Without tension, without the unexpected, it's
no wonder we get bland and dreary storylines. Ho hum...
The HTV continuity announcer says "There's something
on HTV now, which is ironic because some people have nothing on...".
(The episode is sponsored by Cadbury's "Nuts About Caramel"
which is also ironic I guess)
Liz and Deirdre are, however, fully dressed in Deirdre's
kitchen. Liz is acting like an excited child on Christmas morning.
Deirdre is evidently completing last night's washing up to create
a nice stable little domestic scene, which Liz clearly doesn't
belong in. It's her day for saying her farewells and we'll see
her weaving her way in and out of the episode without ever really
having much impact on it. Right now she's complaining to Deirdre
that Jim thinks it's all about him, but it's really about the
friends and family she's leaving behind. She tries for the umpteenth
time to phone Steve, and leaves a message on his answering machine
to say she's leaving with Michael.
Over where the young folks are putting on the agony,
putting on the style (that dates me!), Zoe is sitting in a tartan
(not denim) dressing gown morosely nursing a mug of coffee (she's
still allowed that then, for the time being at least). Ashley
seems to have noticed something, he wonders why Zoe seems to have
gone off him. But, responds Zoe, on the defensive, the stuff she's
doing for the Foundation, it takes up a lot of her time and her
thinking. "Look," she prickles, "there's higher
things in life than stuff you're interested in". At which
point Leanne comes bouncing down the stairs tying up her hair
and playing the sceptic to the full. "Yeah? Like what?"
she demands. "Well," says Zoe defiantly, "like
what comes after life and preparing for it." My word, she
has been smitten. But Leanne is not at all impressed. "Preparing
for life in a coffin is what you're doing". As Zoe complains
to Ashley that she is "seeing things different from what
I used to", Ashley gives her hair an affectionate rub. Plainly
irritated by this, Zoe immediately straightens up.
Cut to Leanne, who is giving Nick a shoulder massage.
Nick tells her languidly that he's not going into college till
later. Oh, he adds, he's working late again and won't be back
until 9. Doubtless with Sally and Greg reaching their climax we
have to lead up to another set of lies about working late - this
is another storyline that has been well trumpeted although it's
painfully obvious from the story where we're going. And already,
even as Nick is still in the innocent stage, Leanne has her doubts.
"Cleaning test-tubes again!" she says with transparent
disbelief. And this gives her cue to turn the bitchiness on full-blast.
"What I don't get is why anybody would do a job they don't
get a proper wage for" - with a nod as Zoe who we see looking
at her defensively in the background. "I wouldn't be surprised,"
she stage-whispers, "if she's just hanging about on street
corners with her old mates again". Zoe becomes very defensive
at this and comes over to challenge that remark. "And you
think money's all that matters do yer? It's the most important
job there is". But all Leanne can reply is a pert aside "It's
like I said, she's back on t'streets!"
Natalie and Tony are at breakfast. The table is set
for three, with the traditional milk bottle on the table and an
unattended bowl of cereal, but Des is nowhere to be seen. Which
gives Natalie an opportunity to question Tony about his plans.
"So, you're off to London with nowhere to stay and you think
you're going to find somewhere just like that?". Tony thinks
Des has seen enough of him, which is unusually perceptive for
Tony. Though he, Tony, would be glad of a few days more, and Natalie,
blinded by a mother's love and not so perceptive, is quite sure
Des is perfectly happy having him around. Tony takes his cue to
reveal to his mother that he has a few debts, to some mates he
borrowed money off. Natalie falls right into this one. "I'm
your mother, what are mothers for if not to help? How much do
you owe?" And as Tony names a figure (of £4,500), we
close in on Natalie's face as her eyes roll heavenwards.
Liz has risked paying a call on Jim, and circles warily
behind the wheelchair clutching her handbag tightly for security,
no doubt anticipating the coming storm. "Have you thought
any more about what I said?" she enquires nervously. But
the storm doesn't break, not in the way she expects. Jim stays
cool, if bitter, and looks up at her from his chair (he is psychologically
in the more vulnerable position here). "I thought I probably
wouldn't bother", he says wearily, meaning he won't report
Michael for malpractice. Liz is so surprised by this that she
kneels by the chair, changing the power relationship as Jim now
looks down on her. But there's a sting in Jim's attitude, he's
not going to not complain for her benefit, and certainly not for
Michael's, but for himself. He's realised the implications of
an inquiry on his life, with the endless questioning about what
exactly happened and what was said. And he intends to wipe Liz
out of his life, never mentioning her name and making sure nobody
else does either. Liz can't quite cope with this: "Twenty
years of growing up and having a family and you're just going
to wipe me out of your memory?" Well, ripostes Jim, "it's
either that or I go mad".
Tony is stretched out on the sofa, languidly puffing
at a cigarette and with a vacant expression on his face, when
Natalie enters the room. "Mum," says Tony, not very
convincingly, "I've been thinking, I can't let you".
But she's only brought him £720 - far from not being able
to let her, he expresses his contemptuous disappointment, rather
more convincingly, and whines "Is that all you've got?"
He thought she was selling her house. And then he goes all frightened,
he's afraid she'll tell Des who will be even less impressed with
him if he knows he's sponging off his Mum (quite!). But she won't
tell Des unless he asks, but she's not going to start lying to
him.
Out in the street, Michael is leaving the bookies and
bumps into Deirdre, who has a message for him - be nice to Liz,
it's hard for her and she's leaving all her family and friends
for him. "Of course I will - I love her!" he says.
Cut to Natalie crossing the street. The camera follows
her until she passes behind a black Jeep, and then lingers on
the two goons in the Jeep - Grant and Phil Mitchell escaped from
another place? - who chew gum as they stare meaningfully with
overplayed menace at Des 'n' Nat's house.
In Deirdre's kitchen, Liz brings Michael some good
news with his tea/coffee. "Jim's not going to be putting
in a complaint". And oscillating between worry and girlish
giggles she muses on the past and the future. She wishes Jim would
accept things are they are, still hopes she'll get the odd Christmas
card from Jim, just to hear how he's getting on. She's divorced
him, fought with him, said some awful things, and she still cares
what he thinks. "So what if he disapproves now? asks Michael.
She giggles. "Then I'll ignore him! But I still wonder if
I'm doing the right thing".
Hayley is in the Rovers, enthusiastically telling Janice
about the exciting things it's possible to do at evening classes.
With her characteristic social gaucheness however, she is oblivious
to the palpably obvious fact that Janice is listless, distracted
and uninterested in what she has to say. Janice can't understand
why Hayley and Roy want to learn Spanish to go on holiday there.
"Whenever I've been they've always spoke English. I suppose
they do speak Spanish as well."
Cut to Liz, entering, who approaches Betty and tells
her she's looking for Steve.
Cut to Des entering, pleased with himself and beaming
at Natalie as he orders a pint. "Did I mention that I love
you?" to which Natalie replies "I think it were you,
yeah!". Des wants to know if Tony has left yet, and is disappointed
and angered to learn that he hasn't and may not for a few days
yet. Natalie tries to reassure him, it's going to take Tony a
while to sort himself out. Des can't resist a bit of bitchiness
of his own "What's he supposed to be, a garage mechanic or
something?" - it's a good job Kevin's not listening! But
Natalie has seemingly endless faith in her son. "He's a lot
like his dad - took him ages to discover what he's good at. Tony'll
be the same"
Cut to Janice, as Liz arrives at the table. Janice
seems annoyed "I wondered where you'd got to" (perhaps
desperate for relief from Hayley's over-jolly company?). So Liz
tells Janice and Hayley she won't be back at Underworld, she's
going away. "Going away where?" asks Hayley brightly.
And beams as she wishes Liz the very best of luck. Poor Hayley,
she must be sad at losing an ally, but then perhaps she still
hasn't realised who her true friends are.
Outside, Tony is leaving the house, slipping something
into his coat as he furtively looks both ways and drags on a cigarette
(Dickens had a character who was forever shrouded in cigar smoke
to suggest sleaziness, the same is happening here I suggest).
Cut to the goons getting out of the Jeep, and approaching Tony
menacingly (these characters really are a bit too obvious, one
of the really sinister things about the drugs Mr Bigs in real
life is that they look alarmingly ordinary). Tony looks on, surprised
and taken aback. Breathless and stammering, he tells them he's
got a part payment. "I don't remember talking about instalments"
mutters one of the goons. Tony needs a bit of time, but "That's
just what you haven't got, have yer? Time". Tony will, he
stammers like a scared child, have the money for them next week.
Well, he'd better. He gets away with it this time, as the goons
stalk off with deeply meaningful glances.
INTERMISSION
Part Two opens on Planet Nirab, whence Zoe has been
abducted by the alien bodysnatchers. Zoe and the alien called
"Ruth" are in the middle of discussing the reaction
of Zoe's housemates. "They haven't said much really,"
says Zoe, "well, with one exception who's got a big gob."
Leanne has clearly been getting under her skin. But, assures "Ruth"
soothingly, "They don't understand about the Foundation and
what they are doing". As Zoe's face registers deeper and
deeper alarm, "Ruth" tells her how the aliens left their
families and friends to come to Planet Nirab to be with people
who do understand. And "The time will come when you want
to - but only you will know when you are ready". And with
a sinister touch she adds "There'll always be a place for
you".
Natalie is enjoying a relaxing break at home with the
newspaper when desperado Tony enters, scared and overacting like
there's no tomorrow. He looks around him, wild-eyed and pants
"Des isn't here is he?" He really *is* desperate. He
needs more money, and now. He wants Natalie to hurry up and sell
her house. "Look, I've got debts to pay and if I don't pay
'em I'm in trouble". And then he backtracks in a panic, "They
are mates of mine". Slowly, it begins to dawn on Natalie
that maybe her beloved son might not be the angel she thought
he was. "Tony, I hope there's not something you've not told
me?". Almost with relief, Tony snivels with a sickly grin
"I want everything clear so I can start again - then I'm
going to make you proud of me!"
Off we go to Gail and Roy in the café, so we
can expect some knockabout comic relief. Roy is studiously polishing
a table as there is clearly something he doesn't want to discuss.
But Gail knows when she's got Roy on the run... "Life class?"
she asks, teasingly, "is that what I think it means? Naked
women lying about on sofas?" This gets Roy giggling nervously
"No, it won't be like that!" and then after a pause,
he adds, warily, "will it?".
Hayley bursts excitedly through the door. "Did
you know Liz Macdonald's leaving?" And Gail can't resist
continuing the tease "No," she says with a wicked grin,
"did you know you were going to a life class? I'll let him
tell you!" and departs, leaving Hayley looking baffled and
accusing at Roy.
[At which point I have a question. Haven't we had a
hint before of Hayley's artistic prowess? In one of her very early
episodes, Hayley presented Alma with a rather well-executed portrait
sketch. This has never been picked up on, and perhaps was just
slipped in at a point when Hayley was thought by the producers
to be just passing through]
Roy stammeringly and awkwardly explains that the Spanish
class has been suspended because the teacher was poorly, so he
asked what else was on and was told they still had a few places
left in the life class. And Hayley, even more dismayed, complains
plaintively "so we're going to be drawing some naked female?".
Roy is now fully aware that he's done the wrong thing. "Th...
th... that's what Gail said... D'you think that's what it'll be?"
But you and I, dear readers, have already guessed what's
going to happen, haven't we!
Steve bursts into Jim's house. "I hear Mum's leaving!"
And Jim, prickly and sarcastic, launches into his detested son
"And you thought I mightn't know, is that it? So you thought
you'd just take a wee mosey round and let me know? Thank you so
much for your consideration son. Or perhaps you thought you'd
just walk round and slide the knife in, is that the crack?"
Steve needles Jim further with some unkind remarks about Liz,
which provoke an unexpected reaction from Jim. "Oi, that's
your mother you're talking about! She has her own life to lead,
she's entitled to do what she wants with it." At this point
we are supposed, I think, to get confused at this change in Jim's
tune. Steve at any rate can't quite believe his ears. "You're
telling me you're very happy for her, is that it?" he asks
incredulously. "I'm telling yer... telling yer... I hope
she's very happy". And all Steve can do is snigger disbelievingly.
It's not a nude descending the spiral staircase, but
the awkward gait tells us it's Hayley, preceded by Roy and led
by Miranda the randy art teacher. Roy is reminding Miranda once
more that they aren't prepared with their own equipment as they
were intending to do Spanish, you see... Miranda shows them to
easels and invites them to make themselves at home. In the background
we can see Nick, obliviously removing his dressing gown and settling
down in the raw (at least I think so, parts of him are judiciously
concealed by the easels). Miranda tells them "I envy you
starting from scratch, no inhibitions, no preconceptions. I can't
think of anything more exciting". But I'm sure her mind is
excited at this point and focused on Nick, about whom she has
preconceptions but no inhibitions...
As Miranda moves away we see Nick as he recognises
who is there, and the dismay registering on his face.
Cut to Roy, his face emerging from behind his easel,
recognising Nick and looking disconcerted.
Cut to Nick, looking alarmed.
Cut to Hayley, ostentatiously measuring with her outstretched
thumb before suddenly recognising Nick and suddenly looking horrified.
(One of the paramount skills of Julie Hesmondhalgh is her ability
to register emotions so well with the slightest of changes to
an impassive face - she would, I think, have been a star of the
silent cinema in the manner of Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd).
All the time, Miranda continues her talk to the class.
"Later on I'll be talking about perspective, how our idea
of size changes with our point of view". I bet you will,
dear, I bet you will!
Roy, not knowing where to put himself, looks around
as if looking for a place to retreat, then withdraws behind his
easel. And Hayley's face sinks slowly behind hers. A lovely moment
of comedy.
Steve is in the Rovers, looking fed-up, when Liz enters,
concerned that Steve has not had her message. But Steve was sure
he'd see her there in the Rovers. "But you might not have
done," says Liz, "because this time tomorrow I'll be
gone". She wants to ring Steve with her new address and phone
number when she gets to Milton Keynes, because "I'm relying
on you to tell me how your dad is - seeing as he's just wished
me dead". But Steve, surprised by this outburst, explains
about his own encounter with Jim, and how Jim has given her his
blessing. Which leaves Liz looking incredulous.
At the home of the young folks, Leanne is examining
Zoe's crystal with evident amusement as Zoe enters, arms folded
defensively. "What is it?" enquires Leanne, "Some
kind of magic charm that keeps away evil spirits?" Ever more
prickly Zoe, putting it on (I mean the crystal not the agony or
the style, but those too I guess), explains that it's supposed
to 'armonise these forces that there are that, well, they're there
but you can't see 'em and it 'elps you find spiritual peace. Zoe
certainly has a way with the English language doesn't she! But
Leanne is less than impressed: "What a load of rubbish!"
she opines. Ashley rushes to Zoe's defence from the kitchen. "Leave
it alone can't yer?", whereupon Leanne goes off in a huff.
Ashley, perhaps understandably, is concerned for Zoe's state of
mind and suggests that they go out for the evening, but Zoe is
unenthusiastic. He suggests that at least they could watch telly
together, but this gets scorned too. "I can't, I've got stuff
for t'Foundation I've got ter read". And Ashley is left with
an exasperated "Well how about me!"
Jim's in mellow, reflective mood as he entertains Liz.
He's surprised at what he said to Steve, all he wanted was to
wipe the smirk of his face, but eventually realised he'd spoken
no less than the truth. "I've always wanted you to be happy,"
he tells her, "why should that change now? I just wish it
was me who was going to make you happy. Mind you, I can't complain
can I? I've had twenty years trying and made a mess of it".
Liz is fighting back tears. "I'll always need you Elizabeth,
that's the trouble". And the scene ends really very touchingly,
with hugs and hand-holding, and Jim's "He's a lucky man -
you tell him I said so.
I should mention that while I've been writing this
update I've been listening to Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde",
which I at least find the most moving four hours in the history
of music. And as I was describing Liz and Jim's farewell, we'd
reached the Liebestod, and it just adds to the poignancy of that
scene, which was surprisingly well-done after the turgidity of
the storyline leading up to it.
The life class is drawing to a close, and Miranda is
inspecting the results. "How are you getting on?" she
asks, brightly. Hayley could only bring herself to do a face (which
is really rather good, in the style of, I'm not sure, an early
Picasso perhaps), with a long-necked and rather primitive Nick.
"Ah yes!" remarks Miranda, "you've chosen to concentrate
on the face!". Hayley can only respond with an embarrassed
mumble, she prefers faces. Roy has done a childlike full-length
study but without the naughty bits (it's also rather good in a
naive style). Roy would call it a mess, but Miranda, eager to
encourage, begs to differ. "It's got youth! Let's call it
"youth"! Hayley and Roy both look as if they wish the
earth would open. The theatrical Miranda puts her arm round a
newly dressing-gowned Nick and tells him "You've certainly
got that haven't you sweetheart! Then come kiss me, sweet and
twenty!" My word, she's making no secret of her intentions,
but Nick just looks gormless as she nuzzles up to him, before
going off. There is embarrassment all round. Roy explains once
again to Nick that they were meant to be doing Spanish. Both Hayley
and Roy are all too happy to keep Nick's secret. I don't think
they'll be returning to art classes in a hurry.
Des is at home relaxing with a can of lager and the
newspaper. He's not best pleased when Tony comes in "I thought
we had a deal?" So when is Tony going? Not yet. When? As
soon as I get the money I owe. "Oh aye," says Des, "Where
are you going to get that from? Not from your mother I hope?"
Tony smirks, nervously as Des's horror registers, then grins stupidly:
"None of yo