Wednesday 2 December


Friday 4 December

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

Bit delayed in getting the update out as I found out on Friday that Saturday was the last day for airmail Christmas post. As I don't normally start thinking about Christmas until a few hours before the event, it's come as a bit of a shock to the system - so it was a bit busy getting a few last minute things for my overseas pals and still be within the deadline. Anyway, the aardvarks have now been despatched, so I can rest easy until the day before the UK deadline!!!

Not one of life's scintillating weeks especially. However, we had the appearance of a decent amount of snow on Saturday morning and it makes a rather fine sight. We could do with some crisp weather and at last, it's arrived - rather that, than the damp muggy stuff we've had for ages this year.

On a seasonal note, Trude is getting into the swing of Christmas at school - it lasts all December, which probably explains why she has had enough by the time the real thing arrives. The only amusing school tale I can recall right now is when one of her pupils wrote about the Nativity "these three wise guys came to visit the baby Jesus"!!! Wise guys, eh?? LOL!!

We always like a big tree at home - well Simon and I do, anyway. In my case, it's a throwback to the days when my dad used to go down to the Smithfield wholesale market in Manchester and get the biggest one he could cart home. The objective was to get one so big that it needed to have top and bottom pruned to get it into the living room. The Christmas tree buying seems to be Trude's department and mostly we've had some decent sized trees apart from one year when a rather miserable specimen appeared - fortunately that wasn't repeated!!! Last year, Trude got a biggie and proceeded to entertain the neighbours taking some considerable time extricating it from her car - pity no-one had a camcorder going!!! Well, if she chooses to go out for these things while I'm asleep, that's her lookout!!! Anyway, she has refused to have anything to do with Christmas tree purchase and delivery this year - however, Simon has a Saturday job at a local greengrocers, so we should be in line for a good un.... watch this space....

The episode commences at Greg's flat. Greg is in the lounge, fast asleep under the covers. Sally is getting the gurls ready for school. They ask her whether he is poorly. "No, he isn't" is her reply. She asks a bleary-eyed Greg whether he is getting up. He tells her he feels awful, but her reply is that it is nothing to how she feels. She ushers the girls out.

It's breakfast time at Ashley's. Zoe comes down, much to Ashley's surprise - he thought she might be having a lie-in. She tells him that she had a lot of reading to do and asks whether she disturbed him coming in the previous night. No is his reply. Apparently it was after 2 a.m. and she had had a busy night at the soup kitchen - it was freezing, she tells him. He tells her that he had a visitor the previous night, but she seems to be unaware of this. Ashley informs her that her pal, Ben, had come along and that he wanted Ashley out of the way - apparently he is a bad influence "and guess what, I'm negative. What's he? An electrician, or what?" (LOL!!) Zoe maintains that Ben is alright. In Ashley's eyes "he flaming isn't. He's an head case and if you go along with these daft ideas, you'll be one and all." When Zoe replies that Ben isn't harming anyone, Ashley disagrees "except you. I don't want you mixing with him anymore." That is like a red rag to a bull for Zoe, as she tells him she is being purified tonight. All she has learned, all she has worked for, is leading up to tonight, she cannot just throw it all away. Ashley insists she must. She asks him why he doesn't treating her like a grown-up, instead of telling her what to do, she knows her own mind. "Ah, but do you?" and "yeah" are the final salvoes from Ashley and Zoe in this heated exchange, as Ashley realises there is no meeting of the minds on this topic. He has to get back to the shop.

At the Kabin, Nick is still trying to patch up matters with Leanne following her discovery of him in the nude, modelling for Miranda. It's only a job, like modelling for clothes, he tells her, but she corrects him, it's modelling your body. He cannot see anything wrong in that, he cannot understand what it is that he has done wrong - that is it, she tells him, she doesn't know either, as he hasn't told her, worse than that, he has actually lied about it, all that rubbish about being a lab technician, when the whole time, he was prancing about in front of a load of strangers in his birthday suit. There's no prancing, he tells her (yeah, right, wood doesn't prance, does it?), it's all dead artistic. "Yeah, that's what they all say" is her riposte. He tells her that she doesn't have a clue, the whole point is having to sit still for hours, it's agony, its not an easy job, he has had aches in muscles he never knew he had - "yeah, I bet you have" is her cynical retort. He is irritated at her making it sound so sleazy, it's all very innocent, if she doesn't believe him, why doesn't she ask Roy and Hayley, because they turned up to the art class. Leanne is horrified at this revelation, "who else knows, the whole flipping street, by the sound of it, everybody, except your own wife?"

At the factory, Hayley is having a natter with Janice. She asks how she is coping. Janice tells her that Les should be better by now, but he isn't. The problem is that the hospital have taken offence to Les, they don't realise how much pain he is in. They have obviously looked at his old track record and decided he is up to his tricks again. At that point, Mike Baldwin comes into view, with Jackie Dobbs in tow - he introduces her as the new recruit, who has started this morning and asks Hayley to show her the ropes. Hayley is chuffed to mint balls at being asked, but Janice has the measure of the job in hand - "rather you than me" she murmurs. Jackie comes over to her mentor and immediately asks what the fiddle is. Hayley is puzzled by this question, so Jackie explains to her that they must have a little fiddle going with the level of wages that Baldwin is paying them here - they must have a way of making their money up. There is nothing like that going on, is Hayley's reply. Jackie attributes Hayley's reticence to trust and assures her that she knows how to keep her mouth shut (no comment!!). Hayley insists there is no scam, to which Jackie replies "it looks like I'm going to be treating you the ropes!" Hayley asks whether Jackie has done this sort of work before - she has "years of experience. Have you ever heard of 'Strangeways' Fashions'" she asks. When Hayley innocently replies that she hasn't, Jackie explains to her that she was in "the nick, with me best mate, Deirdre. Didn't she tell you?" (For the benefit of overseas readers, Strangeways is the name of a local prison in Manchester.) At that point, Deirdre comes into the outer office and Jackie tells her she was just "telling Hazel about Strangeways Fashions - poor Deirdre looks highly embarrassed.

Having got the girls out of the way, Sally is determined to talk things through with Greg, after the previous night's episode. Greg's mind is a blank, as he is totally oblivious of what Sally is talking about. "Last night, for a start" she tells him. He still doesn't have a clue, so she shows him her grazed and swollen arm. "How did you do that?" he asks her. She is astonished at his memory lapse and reminds him that he pushed her. He feebly responds that he might have lost his balance, it was an accident, he tells her, sheepishly. She replies that she knows what happened and she was sober. "Well, that's it then, the booze, sorry, I don't remember. Was I a real pain?" is his explanation. Sally asks him how sorry he actually is, sorry enough to give up the booze. She maintains that he has a drink problem and that she wants him to give up the drink altogether. He apologises for the accident but points out that you have to drink when you are networking (now I know that Windows networking has had its problems but it hasn't turned me to drink, well, it nearly did once, but that was a hardware motherboard incompatibility problem - sorry, anorak mode off again). He promises that he will cut down and the problem will not recur. Sally warns him that it had better not - if it happens again, she will be straight out of the door. Greg asks whether that is all she wants to talk about, but, judging by her response, it clearly isn't, but his hangover is his preoccupation as he goes for something to make it better (erhum... How about a gun? Put us all out of our misery, eh??).

Ashley is in the café, following up the earlier conversation with Zoe. She is telling him that he doesn't own her. Neither does Ben, although he talks as if he does, is Ashley's reply. When he tells her he wants to discuss the matter further when he comes home, she agrees, but points out that it will not make any difference. All he wants is for her to postpone her decision, as he doesn't believe she has thought it through. She confirms that it is what she wants and she is ready for it. They agree to meet up later.

At the café, Gail hands over the post to Roy. He opens it to find a letter from the Estate Agent, telling him that "in view of the fact that we have no response to our very generous offer to buy the lease on your property, we have advised our client to start looking for alternative premises. Unless we hear from you by December 10th, we shall withdraw the offer." Roy is indignant at this letter, they are not holding him to ransom.

Greg and Sally are still trying to sort out their problems. Greg is telling her that he is not trying to make excuses, but he has a lot of responsibilities weighing down on him. It was his idea to start the business in the first place and he was the one who persuaded her to use her mother's money - he has to make it work for her. "We both have" is her reply, "that's no reason for you to go out and get drunk." He has to all the hustling, make all the contacts, he tells her, he is the one under all the stress. She points out that it is hardly easy for her, being stuck in the office, sitting in the office all on her own, day after day - she has to make decisions too and she is the one who gets the blame when she gets things wrong. He concedes that it is difficult for both of them, but she is annoyed as she doesn't have a clue where they are up to, half the time, he doesn't tell her anything. He replies that he doesn't want to worry her and how she gets upset when things go pear-shaped. She indignantly tells him she is his partner, not his secretary, he has to keep her informed, for all she knows they could be going bankrupt. They're not, no chance, he replies. She hopes he is right because she has put a lot into the business, and not just financially. All they need is one good deal, he tells her, to get them back on top, it's only a matter of time. Her reply is that this not going to happen being sat at home and asks whether he is going into the office today. He will be in shortly, after he has had his breakfast.

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at the pub. Jackie is holding court in front of the factory girls, reminiscing about the characters in prison, much to Deirdre's continuing embarrassment. She refers to "Welsh Glenda" who "fancied our Deirdre something rotten" - Janice points out that maybe Deirdre doesn't wish to be reminded of prison, but Jackie cannot see anything wrong with this, "it's a laugh, isn't it, Hazel?" Janice corrects her, but Jackie continues regardless, continuing to refer to Hayley as Hazel. One of the girls asks her what she was in prison for, to be told it was GBH. She explains that some "soft cow was messing around with her fella", so he ended up putting her in hospital for 10 days and on the sick for a month - as to her fella, he did GBH to him, as well, although it "didn't come up in court, that was just between me and him." At that stage, Roy pops his head round the corner and asks to have a word with Hayley. Hayley is relieved to see Roy and explains that Jackie is a friend of Deirdre's, but that Deirdre doesn't want to have anything to do with her, how she has to look after her and how Jackie has been in prison for GBH on a woman. Hayley is afraid of what will happen when Jackie finds out about her. Roy wonders whether Jackie's spell in prison will make her "more, you know, broad-minded" (some hope, Roy). Roy then shows her the letter he has received from the Estate Agents.

Round the corner in the pub, Greg is calling someone on his mobile phone, to check on the progress of a potential order. No news there and we see him looking crestfallen.

Hayley has read the letter Roy has received and she agrees that he shouldn't stand for it. He agrees he won't - "you know what happened when they tried to put the rent up on Leeds market? Mr Marks wouldn't stand for it and neither would Mr Spencer. This might be just the push I needed to make a fresh start." When Hayley asks what is stopping him, he replies "nothing, except Gail - Stick-in-the-mud - Platt."

Greg's phone rings and when he answers it, it's Sally on the other end. Despite the fact that he is still in the pub, he tells her that he is in a meeting, something cropped up. Mike Baldwin has seen Greg and comes over to have a smirk at Greg's expense. He asks Greg how life is in the fast lane. Greg's reply is that there is a lot happening. "Really?" retorts Mike. He proceeds to rub the salt in the wound by telling him that he had heard he was struggling, and that he is history. He loudly announces to the audience of the factory girls nearby, that if Greg were a machinist, he could offer him a job, "I'm just telling this ex-employee, we've never been so busy." The hurt look on Greg's face shows that Mike has scored a bulls-eye.

At the hospital, Les is proving to be a difficult patient, as Martin is finding out. Les tells Martin that he is ten minutes late - he is supposed to have pain killers every 4 hours, not 4 hours and ten minutes, he tells him, no wonder they are not working. Another patient calls for attention and Martin delegates a junior nurse to attend. Les comments that the other person is probably not in the same amount of pain and wonders whether he is receiving the correct dosage, but Martin confirms that Les is receiving exactly what he has been prescribed. Les points to the patient in the next bed and asks why he is not in pain - because he is on something different, replies Martin. "Exactly, I want what he's getting" says Les, unfortunately, in all seriousness. Martin gives Les his prescribed medicine but Les is not convinced it is doing the trick.

Meanwhile, the other nurse is attending a patient - the man in the adjacent bed, who raised the alarm comments, how his friend felt ill half an hour ago. The nurse checks the man's pulse and realising something is amiss, she urgently calls Martin for attention.

Martin rushes over and, in doing so, is distracted, leaving the medicine trolley unlocked. Les leaps out of bed, helps himself to some tablets from the trolley, swallows them and gets back into bed, without anyone noticing.

Kevin is working on a car in the Garage and Jackie's son, Tyrone, comes along snooping around. When he is challenged by Kevin, he replies that he is just looking around - furthermore, there is nothing in his pockets, as there is nothing worth nicking. When asked, he tells Kevin that he is staying at Deirdre's. He starts discussing the finer points of engines and turbo-diesels and makes out to Kevin that he has a quad bike. Jackie comes over to sees her son with Kevin and butts in to check whether Tyrone is pestering him. When Kevin starts telling her how her son has been discussing his bike, Jackie reveals that he doesn't have a bike at all, in fact, he doesn't even have a pair of roller skates.

In the street, Janice bumps into Sally and tells her that she is sorry things are difficult for her and Greg, right now. She repeats to Sally that Mike Baldwin had been telling Greg, gloating at how they are busy right now at Underworld and how Greg wasn't. Janice lets slip that this was in the pub at lunchtime and, in fact, Greg may still be there. The look on Sally's face is one of realisation that the problem is serious.

Back at home, Nick is still having problems convincing Leanne that all is above board between him and Miranda. She is concerned at the lies he has been telling her about what he has been doing, then she finds out he has been spending his evenings with a middle-aged woman in her house, without his clothes on, of course, she is bound to be suspicious. It would have been different had he told her about it, but he hadn't. Nick tries to explain that he was merely trying to earn some money so he wouldn't have to keep sponging money off Leanne. When she comments that he didn't have to lie about it, his reply is that he didn't because he realises that she wouldn't have let him take the job.

At that point, Ashley wanders in looking for Zoe. Leanne tells him that Ruth had called for her and that Zoe had indicated she would be home late. Ashley is upset and storms out of the house.

At Greg's, Sally ushers the girls into the bedroom, as she hears Greg coming in. She tackles him as to his whereabouts at lunchtime. She asks whether he was in a meeting all day or whether he was at the Rovers. When he admits he popped into the Rovers, she asks whether he was there when she rang him. According to Janice, he was in there all dinner time and all afternoon as well, judging by the smell of him. Greg resents being questioned in this way and tells her he cannot stand being checked up on. She tells him that she phoned him because he said he was coming into the office, she was worried when he hadn't turned up three hours later - for all she knew he had had an accident. She asks what he was doing in the pub anyway and his reply is that he felt rough and needed something to clear his head. He goes to open a bottle and immediately Sally pounces on him, she thought that they had discussed his drinking and that he had promised to cut down. He tells her that he cannot take any more of this nagging. He snaps at her and tells her that her voice is going right through his head. Sally pops her head around the bedroom door and tells the girls to stay in the room. She comes back to tell him that she doesn't want them to hear them squabbling, as they have been through enough already. So has he, is his reply, he complains that she has done nothing but nag at him all day, he asks whether she just cannot shut up for a minute, why doesn't she go and tell her precious girls a bedtime story? She seems to be more bothered by them than about him, he continues, no wonder they whinge all the time, they are just spoilt little brats. He then throws the accusation at her that if she were more bothered about the business, then they would stand a chance. She tells him that the reason the business is going nowhere is because he is all talk, big ideas and nothing else - he is an amateur and he always will be. That is enough for him - he loses his temper and lashes out at her, hitting her in the face. A defining moment has arrived and she tells him that this is the last time he will ever do that to her. He tries to reason with her, but she isn't having any of it. The kids pop their heads around the door again and she goes to join them in the bedroom. Banging on the bedroom door, he yells "is it any wonder I get drunk, your nagging all the time, you and your bloody kids." Inside, Sally is hugging her daughters, crying her eyes out.

Ashley has made his way to the House of Nirab. He finds the front door open and cautiously lets himself in. There doesn't appear to be anyone around, but he hears some music coming from upstairs. Quietly he goes upstairs. There Zoe is undergoing her purification ceremony.

Ben is calling for Zoe to be brought forward. He asks whether she understands the teachings of their founder. When she replies in the affirmative, he asks whether she wishes to become a daughter of Nirab. Again the answer is yes. She wishes to follow his paths for the rest of eternity. Does she wish to be reunited with those who have gone before? Yes, again. "So shall it be" is Ben's command. Zoe is given some robes and changes into them behind a screen.

Ashley pops his head around the door. As the ceremony continues, he sees Zoe embracing Ben and that is too much for him. He rushes forward to try to break up the proceedings. He begs with her to get her coat on and to come with her. He is restrained by some of the other cult members and Ben tells him not to spoil Zoe's big day. Again, Ashley asks Zoe to come with him. Ben tells him that no-one is keeping Zoe against her will. She is free to leave if she likes and if she does, they will not contact her, this is Zoe's decision, not Ashley's nor his. Ashley implores her to come with him - without saying a word, she goes over to Ben and kisses him on his cheek. Upset that Zoe has rejected him in favour of the cult, Ashley storms out of the room.

Back at the hospital, the emergency is over and Martin comes back to attend to Les. It is time to take Les' temperature but Martin is initially oblivious to the fact the Les is sound asleep. This gradually dawns on him after a few seconds of not receiving any response from Les. He suddenly realises that something is seriously wrong and gets the other nurse to call for a doctor urgently.

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Phil Woods.

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? One of those, "things being brought to a head" episode. We reached the defining moment in the whole sorry Sally/Greg episode where she has had enough, having been the victim once too often of physical abuse from Greg. Not before time. The story still has a while to go as the business ramifications need to be sorted out, but there is no return after tonight. The House of Nirab gets its tentacles into Zoe, who has now made her decision in their favour, against Ashley.

Nick is still struggling to persuade Leanne of the innocence of his relationship with Miranda. Jackie Dobbs and her offspring, Tyrone continue to create hassles for all who come into contact with them. Les' escapade with the drugs backfires on him. I have to say that I am none too impressed with any of those storylines.

What else? Thanks to Roofy for pointing out a continuity error in today's episode. In the previous episode, Zoe tells us she is going to fast for her purification ceremony, but we actually see her innocently scoffing some food during the day. Tsk tsk! I wouldn't have noticed, but then I don't have the skills necessary to join CID (Detective police).

Soooo.... A so-so episode....

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 6 December

So, here we are in December, at last. What happened to Autumn ? I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of any of those fine, autumnal, days where the ground was dry and the leaves were blowing about and the sun shone, albeit weakly, providing a beautiful spectacle of burnt reds and golds and yellows. Instead ? Cold and miserable and above all, unbelievably wet. We have borrowed one of those leaf blower-cum-sucker-cum-shredder things, and it has sat in my toolroom for weeks in the vain hope that any of the six-inch layer of leaves in the garden is actually going to dry out enough to move about. Some hope. Let's all blame El Nino - it seems to cop for most things.

Sorry if this isn't particularly cheery this week, I've been a bit under the weather with the first of the season's viral whatsits. Friday was a day off work anyway, and I was supposed to be spending the entire weekend with my father getting stuck into decorating the kitchen. Well, that was the plan. The reality was that I flaked out on Friday afternoon, spent the whole of Saturday moving very slowly indeed from bed to sofa to bed again, and only on Sunday did some energy reappear. For about 3 hours. So I sat down to watch tonight's episode of Corrie in a rather drained mood, and at the end of it I felt even worse. The show has rather lost its way at the moment. It was a struggle to stay awake afterwards, but I'm glad I did so, because there's a truly marvellous series on later on Sunday night, by the name of "Cold Feet". It's easily one of the best things on the box at the moment.

I've been putting off writing this update for a couple of days as a result - I keep looking at my notes and no inspiration jumps out at me. Anyway, it's nose to the grindstone time. Sit back, buckle up, and read on...

[Oh, one last thing. If this inspires you to unsubscribe from the corriedays mailing list, please *please* don't reply to me - I don't maintain the list. And especially, don't quote the entire update back at me in the process !!]

On a seasonal note, the Cadbury's chocolate characters are accompanied by gently falling snow this week. Which was quite cute really, because up here in the Weatherfield region, we had our first real snowfall on Sunday night.

Act 1
We open in Animal Hospital, where the Street's resident Rotweiler, RLes, is none too well. We glean this from his gathered family outside the ward, patiently [or in Janice's case, very impatiently] waiting for news from anyone. Toyah and Leanne try to put a cheerful face on things, but Janice is very worried at his sudden turn for the worse. Like many folks, the word "stable" just seems to sound like hospital talk for "we've nothing to tell you that you'd understand or believe".

Returning to the Street, we see the sun is barely up, as Sally and the gurls quietly close the door to Greg's flat. Rosie thinks they are off to Kevin's house, but Sally points them in the direction of the cafe instead. They'll get some tea and toast for their breakfast in there, with Gail.

The floodgates open into Les' ward, and the Battersbys swarm in. They are intercepted by a nurse who advises them that he has only just come round, and that they should take it easy with him and not stay too long. It's clear that Les is only just conscious and can barely respond to Janice and their daughters as they talk to him. [Hey, at least we're safe from Les trying to show any tender emotions...] When the nurse says it's time to go, Janice turns on her and announces she's not leaving until she's had some satisfactory answers. The nurse tells her that the investigation is still on-going.

Roy delivers two cooked breakfasts to a couple of early customers, as Sally arrives with the gurls. She is disappointed to hear that it is Gail's day off, and decides they won't stay after all. Roy subconsciously fingers his left cheek as he asks Sally if everything "is alright ?", noticing the red marks that Greg's hand has left. Sally rushes off in a flurry of excuses.

Time for a visit to the aforementioned Gail's house, where we find Gail bemoaning the fact that she seems to be the only one in the house who is at all interested in going out to buy a Christmas tree that day. We've not seen or heard much from the two kids recently, so it made a pleasant change for Sarah-Louise to be given a brief line today. She announced, in a voice dripping with couldn't-care-less-ness, that she was interested in a tree. [She's reached that magic age, where all talk is conducted while staring at the floor, preferably in a monotone. Emotion is carefully quashed, unless it is being employed to complain about the iniquity of the situation, vis-a-vis the speaker. It can only be a matter of time before Sarah-Lou is banished upstairs forever, condemned to a life of "playing her taaaaaapes".] Where were we ? Oh yes, Martin is mentally elsewhere, worried about Les. He phones the hospital to hear the good news, that Les is recovering, and the bad news, that he is recovering from an overdose.

More angst over at Ashley's house, where he is telling Nick how he followed Zoe to the Foundation house the night before, and had witnessed much of the purification ceremony. Zoe comes in the back door, unnoticed, and overhears the conversation. She interrupts, and Ashley angrily accuses her of snogging that Ben one. She tells him it wasn't like that, and that Ashley simply doesn't understand how important this is to her, and is misreading things. She drops her next bombshell - she will leaving that night to spend a few days in a retreat.

The wandering Websters arrive at Rita's flat. The gurls are sat down in front of the telly, while Rita makes them some breakfast, all the while telling Sally that the failure of her relationship with Greg was pretty much what she had predicted all along. She continues in a cynical, told-you-so vein, until she notices the marks on Sally's face, and is taken aback.

Ashley gets no information from Zoe about how he can get in touch with her - "it's a retreat, Ashley, you're not supposed to let everyone know where it is !". He begs her not to go, but she is adamant. Nirab is visiting the UK, and as the latest convert, she should be there to greet him. [Poor Ashley, and poor Steven Arnold. He seems to be permanently playing worried and concerned, and although he's really convincing, I can't remember the last time the poor lad got to smile !]

More cheeriness [not] over at the corner shop, where Maud greets her first customer of the day, the gruesome Greg. He looks as attractive as ever as he asks for some aspirin. Go on Maud, give him 5 bottles...

Janice makes Les comfy in his bed. [You've got dirty minds, you know that ?!] He tells her she's a champion pillow-plumper. [Oh, just stop it ! I'm only saying it like it is...] Les is feeling quite a bit better, but still not wonderful. Janice accosts the nurse again, to be told that a manager will be down to see her soon. Janice swears she's not leaving until she's had some answers from the staff. Les looks a little uncomfortable when he hears this.

Sally brings some breakfast through to Rita's living room, for the girls. The poor things have fallen asleep in front of the telly, though. She sits down and tells Rita that Greg had never shown any real affection to them, but he'd often suggested they should go and live with Kevin. Rita figures this should have shown Sally what kind of a man he was, but that perhaps it'd be a good idea for them to go to Kevin's for a few days, to give Sally a little time to herself. She can stay there in Rita's flat.

Gail and her two kids are decorating their tree while Martin is still contemplative. Gail can't believe that he's worried for his own sake, surely he was the one who found Les unconscious and saved him anyway. The phone rings - it's the hospital management. They want Martin to come in that evening and tell them "his version of events".

Intermission
Buy early for Christmas !

Act 2
Ashley, still searching for moral support in his crusade against the supporters of Nirab, is talking to Maud in the corner shop. The door opens and in comes Greg, again. The aspirins have lined his stomach, and it's time for a bottle of whisky. "No, make that two !", he says. Maud gives him a sour look as he heads off to drown his sorrows.

Sally and the gurls, who by now look like a small nomadic tribe, have arrived at Kevin's house. Rosie asks if Mummy and Daddy are still friends. Aaah, the innocence of youth. Sally goes through to the kitchen to talk to Kevin. She tells him that it's all over with Greg, and that she needs Kevin to look after the girls for a few days. He looks vaguely insulted that she should even have to ask - of course he'll take his own kids in for as long as she needs. Like everyone else Sally has spoken to, it's not long before he notices the marks on her cheek, and demands to know if Greg was responsible. Sally unconvincingly denies it, and says she has to be getting away before Kevin has time to make an issue of it.

[Brace yourselves - six-pack alert...] Time for a trip to the college now, where Nick's art teacher is giving some of the students some advice before break-time. As they disperse, Leanne appears down a staircase, where it appears she has been watching proceedings for some time. She approaches Miranda, the art teacher, and tells her she would like to join up as a female model ! [Down, Plowman, down !]

Martin is being interviewed by the senior nurse manager. He explains what had happened on the ward, when he'd instructed the other nurse to attend to another patient while he gave Les his painkillers. This wasn't the correct procedure, where two nurses should have witnessed patients receiving their medication. Martin protests that quite often they have to do the rounds on their own, out of necessity, but his boss appears to be more concerned about covering the hospital than in defending Martin. He says he can only see 3 ways that Les took an overdose - either Martin made a mistake, the other nurse made a mistake, or Les got hold of the extra tablets himself.

Ben has arrived to take Zoe away to the retreat. Ashley is trying desperately to persuade her not to go - he offers to take her away for a weekend himself, if it's the break she needs. Ben tells Ashley not to be so suspicious about the Foundation, and they leave. Ashley looks tormented by his inability to get through to Zoe.

Leanne is walking around the art class, examining many of the sketches, while Nick looks embarrassed by her interference. She tells Miranda that she'd come down to check there was nothing mucky going on. Miranda shows her more sketches and asks her if they look at all tacky. Leanne says not. But then, they're not *him*, are they ? But yes, they are, Leanne. Deflating, Leanne admits that some of them are quite good, and points to one in particular. Her humiliation is complete when she learns that this is one of the teacher's own works, which is then presented to her as a gift, signed and dated as an original.

The vino is flowing at Rita's, where she and Sally are having a drink. Rita tells Sally she is glad she is thinking straight, for once. Anyway, she still has her Mum's inheritance to help set her up. Sally's face gives the game away - most of it has gone on the business. "Oh, Sally !", says Rita.

Back to Weatherfield General for one final visit tonight, where Martin has realised that he left the medicine trolley unlocked during the emergency in the ward. That's obviously how Les got the extra tablets. But his relief is short-lived when his manager tells him that he should contact his union representative immediately, because the hospital have no choice but to suspend him from duty, pending the outcome of the investigation.

This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.

It wasn't very cheery, was it ? Unremitting gloom from start to finish, I thought. Sally is hope^H^Hmeless, Martin's in trouble, Ashley is depressed, Zoe is nearly lost to the cause, Greg is drinking. Unseen, Deirdre is still putting up with Jackie and her son, Natalie is still in denial over Tony's involvement in Des' death, and Roy is in turmoil over the future of the cafe.

It's grim oop North, ain't it ?

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **

I hope to be back on a more timely schedule next week, although it's going to be a bit of a rush as Mrs L is out of the country for the weekend, having a grand jolly at her employer's expense, while I am on child-minding duty. The kids are usually no trouble, but I do find being a taxi and meals service a bit wearing after a while !

See you next week, and take care, John Laird


Monday 7 December

Yup, once again it's Update time but it really will be an ultra-brief, slapdash effort this week. I'm quite bogged under with stuff to do at the present moment (well, 'tis the Season to be busy, et al) and, frankly, this episode doesn't even warrant more than a paragraph at best. I felt like I was watching some hideously overblown American Soap in which every storyline was about as far removed from reality as Dr Timothy Leary. Drugs, murder, beatings, abuse, medical malpractice, strange religious cults... *yawn* While I understand that times are indeed tougher than ever for the production team right now what with half the cast leaving etc, and I acknowledge that Corrie *has* been making a steady rise in the last couple of weeks with some excellent scenes, but tonight's Monday show was just atrociously pitiful. (Apologies if it seems I'm saying this every week atm! I'm not, honest!)

Scene one starts as badly as the episode means to go on. The set looks gloomy and you'd have more chance of finding a smile on death row. A bruised Sally has come to pick the gurrls up from Kevin's house in order to take them to school. He wonders aloud about what she's going to do in the future, whether or not she's going back to Greg and then continues to press her for details of her bruise. She refuses to admit that she was beaten and then Kevin, tactful as ever, tells her he feels sorry for Blandford as they're "both in the same boat... Sally Webster's rejects"! Then he tells her that if he hears that Greg has so much as laid a finger on the gurrls, he'll "kill him"... (Somewhere along the space/time continuum, someone appears to be actually moving Weatherfield *closer* to Albert Square at a rapid rate...)

Over in the Hospital (always a great place for a laugh... or not) Janice is visiting Les and looking very concerned about his condition. He tells her that someone is coming down to the ward to question him later that day to find out "what really happened" regarding his recent overdose. He also swears up and down that Nurse Platt was "negligent" and, needless to say, Janice, visibly softened by the shock of the whole string of events, believes every word.

Conviniently, we cut to the Platt household next where a tense Martin confides his worries to Gail about his suspension and berates himself for leaving the drugs trolley unlocked. Obviously, she is supportive (well, to the extent of sighing "Oooh, Martin" over and over) but he seems utterly gutted, convinced that he'll lose his job when Les starts inevitably spouting lies about the whole affair.

Fred and Maud, meanwhile, swap an amusing bit of banter in the Cornershop about Zoe and the Nirab Retreat Party. He wonders what a "retreat" is all about and when Maud explains it's where "they've got nowt better to do with their time so they sit around thinking about why we're here and where we're going next", he states, confusedly, "I do that meself... Mostly in the company of a bottle of Scotch, I don't have to go up a mountain to do it"! Natalie approaches the counter with a basket of groceries and Fred offers her some complimentary steak from his Butchers' Shop to help her keep her protein up, assuring that she "won't get over her loss with lentils and brocolli"! She politely (and wisely) declines Fred's free steak.

"HELLO ALEC!" proclaim Rita and Sally in unison, "Cheers!"-style, as the Rovers' Landlord enters The Big Red's Flat. They're both glad he's here because Sally needs some "business advice" or more specifically she wants to know how to terminate the partnership between her and Blandford Enterprises with a minimal amount of financial loss. His suggestion is that she "moves quicker than he does", get all the standing orders stopped asap and take back all the stock from the office since it, rightfully, belongs to her as long as she can get it and sell it before the Bland One does. (Is it good advice? Is it legal? Do I care?)

Back at the Hospital, the Senior Nursing Manager has come to question Les about the overdose. He asks Les to tell him "in his own words" exactly what happened and of course, the Beligerent Battersby lies through his teeth and claims that he just naively took the pills that Martin gave him, had no idea that the dosage was too high and then even so much as goes on to suggest quite adamantly that he thinks Platty was trying to *kill him* because of the 'disputes' about the Platt son marrying the Battersby daughter... Gawd.

Kevin meanwhile is talking to Martin in the Rovers, confessing to be secretly very happy that Sally's relationship with Greg has fell to pieces and that he's got the kids back... Across the bar, Fred, Audrey and Maxine are ribbing Alec about the physical side of his relationship with Rita and, as part of his protestation that there is no hanky-panky going on, he tells them that Sally Webster is staying there right now... Quick cut back to the other side of the bar, where Janice lays briefly into Martin about the state of her husband, expressing her desire that a "proper investigation" be conducted. *yawn*

Colin Barnes, he of the undefinable (and rather irritating) accent, knocks on Natalie's door, claiming he has some "unfinished business". She reluctantly lets him inside. Cue commercial break.

END OF PART ONE
Nothing new from the ads I'm afraid. Lots of Yuletide offers, mind you. Frozen prawns at 2 for the price of 1 in Tesco (wouldn't Spider Nugent be pleased to hear that, eh? ;)), a diabolical couple of cash-cow-milking Greatest Hits albums from 'artists' who wouldn't even know how to so much as spell "Great" without the help of their marketing plebs, extra-value whipped cream for your Christmas trifles, that bloody Boots advert again with the Miranda Peters lookalike and finally cheap telly rentals at Curry's Electrical Stores. Then it's back to the 'fun'...

PART TWO
Colin is wittering blandly (not to mention with some of the most pathetic dialogue delivery this side of Adam Rickitt) about how he thought everyone at Des' funeral knew "the truth" about his death and the drug connection. This was why he threw a fit and got so angry. He goes on to plead with Natalie to go to the police, for Des' sake, and tell the truth about Tony's drug dealing and all the rest of that dreary crud that I thought we'd got rid of weeks ago. She is adamant that she *IS* telling the truth (but we know better...) and refuses to budge on it.

Somewhere on the streets of Weatherfield, Greg tries to withdraw money from a hole-in-the-wall using Sally's cashcard, but to no avail. The machine chews it up whole but unfortunately spares *him*... Meanwhile Sally and The Big Red One shift boxes of fabric stock out of his office.

Oh, and we're back at Natalie's... Oh, and it's still the same conversation I described a couple of sentences ago. Oh, I'm asleep. Colin storms out and threatens to tell the police *himself* since she won't do it.

Les, meanwhile, rambles away uninterestingly from his hospital bed to Janice about the visit from the Senior Nursing Manager and about how Martin "tried to kill him" (In fact, in all the scenes that he's been in this episode, Les has said very little except for the same line recycled again and again) before enthusing that he's going to get some major compensation for this and make sure the hospital pays.

In the poxy offices of Blandford Enterprises, Greg returns to find all his stock has vanished. Sally, meanwhile, arranges over the 'phone, from within Rita's flat, for the rental companies to pick up all Greg's computer equipment too before suggesting that she and Big Red go over to the old flat and pick up the rest of the stock he's keeping in there to boot.

The police show up at Natalie's and tell them that they've been visited by Colin who told his side of the story. Natalie tells them that it's all a load of rubbish, that Colin's a nutcase and, when they ask to speak to Tony, she claims she has no idea where in London he's presently living.

Back at the Big Red Flat, about a dozen boxes of fabric have been shifted from Greg's flat (eh?!?! Where was he storing these exactly!?!) and Sally is relieved that she's slowly but surely getting revenge on him. Rita quickly nips across the road to lock up the Kabin...

Fred, who is the sole shining light in this episode, is lurking around the shop chatting to Maud as he wants to take Ashley (whom he refers to as "Weary Willy"!!! The only decent line in the whole show!) for a drink to cheer him up. Greg enters, highly irritated, and demands that Fred changes the locks on his flat to keep Sally out. A conviniently nearby Maxine starts gloating about the failure of the Bland One's latest venture and, mid-gloat, accidentally lets it slip that the Silly One is staying at Rita Sullivan's. Greg grins evilly in a B-Movie Villain-esque way.

In The House Of Elliot, Ashley bemoans life in general, wailing about how upset he is that Zoe has gone on this retreat with the Nutters of Nirab. Leanne reckons he should kick her out the house for good but Ashley, who is truly devastated, wants things to just go back to how they were, Pre- Foundation. Lee gets sick of this mopery within a minute or so and says she's going to visit her dad in hospital. Nick declines (as he wouldn't want to be seen to "taking sides" against Martin) and gets an earful of abuse for his trouble.

In a ridiculously dumb scene, the doorbell rings at Rita's and Sally, naturally assuming it's Big Red herself, lets the door open. Oh no, it's Gruesome Greg and he's looking to slap her silly! Luckily, Rita shows up just as Blandford finishes his B-Movie threats with "You're an evil little bitch!" and she throws him out of the flat. He claims that they'll all finish their "little chat" some other time and leaves with all the precense of a deeply contrived horror film bad-guy. Sad. Credits roll, Praise Nirab!

As you can tell by the tone of this Update (which I won't lower myself to again), I was horrified by the dire state of the episode. For me, the reason why I watch Corrie and don't tend to bother with any of the other soaps is because it's always has a certain quaint side to it, an endearing nature and the ability to warm the cockles of the heart et al. Tonight's show was as quaint as Piccadilly Circus, as endearing as Tony Blair and about as warm as a cryogenic chamber. As I said at the start, it played like an American soap, all over-the-top, unsympathetic characters and absurdly implausible plot twists.

But I'm not going to dwell on it. I'll just hope for the best in coming episodes and leave on a good note, with a friendly reminder that this coming weekend is the date of the Christmas Mini-Ping in Manchester, which of course is the Yuletide little get-together of Corrie net-fans. If you're interested in coming (or just interested in seeing a particularly well-designed website with lots of piccies and info about Manchester on it!) take a look at http://www.coronation-street.freeserve.co.uk/xmas98/ where you'll find all the details about where, when, who and what it's all about. :)

Til next time, take care!

The Rattler

This Update was sponsored by Scott 4 (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I would've been drinking if I hadn't been too busy gargling vitriol about the state of the show! ;))


Wednesday 9 December

It's that time again... And as splendid a time to stay indoors and do the update as it's been raining pretty solidly here for two days, it's December with a vengeance, Christmas is almost upon us and I really ought to stir myself to do something about it. I don't know about you - I hate the run-up the Christmas with the crowds and the tacky music in all the shops. But actually I do like the day itself, very much. Everything is suddenly so quiet, and very peaceful. Anyway, enough of this because I have another update to do before the big day, so I'm being premature.

Oh, I just thought I'd remark that the Street got an honourable mention in the course of my civic duties - yesterday as I was doing my monthly stint as Chair of Central Area Planning Committee, an officer mentioned that somebody has been stealing the granite setts from Gas Ferry Road, where the major Harbourside development is going on. A giggle and a mutter of "Les Battersby!" from the public gallery.

Enough - it's time to get on with the matter in hand, which is last night's episode. So, with a nod to the romantic chocolate couple who signify sponsorship by (the lady loves) Cadbury's Milk Tray - and I'm still waiting to be serenaded outside *my* front door by a romantic young man - we'll eavesdrop without further hesitation in Rita's flat.

Where we find Sally sitting despondently with her head in her hands amongst the boxes of knickers, as Rita brings in cups of tea. Sally apologises for the clutter, one assumes for the umpteenth time, but Rita declares stoically that she really doesn't mind. "The remains of our business; the remains of all my hopes" broods Sally. Rita is in more pragmatic mood, "Is there anything else we should be nailing down?" she enquires. Sally doesn't think there's anything left, Greg has got all the money he can take. Unable to resist being nosey, Rita tentatively asks how much is left out of her Mam's legacy, and Sally sheepishly confesses that of nearly fifty thousand, not much more than ten remains. She doesn't think Greg got to keep much as most of it went on the office, bills, legal fees (though she hasn't noticed how much he's actually squandered). "All that money, gone!" sighs our Sal, "How could I have been so stupid?". Rita is keen that Sally should put the past behind her now and learn from her mistakes. And meaningfully, "I don't know if Kevin features in any of your plans - or if you feature in any of Kevin's".

Toyah is in the cafe, buying fairy cakes for Les from Gail. It is not a comfortable encounter. "Well, I hope they choke him" says Gail, rather bitterly. Toyah, not surprisingly, is outraged; "That's a rotten thing to say!" she chides. Gail can't resist coming back at Toyah, it certainly wasn't Martin's fault that Les nearly died. But for a moment at least she realises that despite the depth of her bitterness it's wrong to take it out on Toyah. But Toyah just needles her some more; "Look, it's not my fault that Martin made a mistake", which throws Gail back on the defensive. With rising anger, she suggests that the only mistake Martin made was turning his back on Les while he stole dangerous drugs. "Your father's had Martin turned out of a job he loves so that he can con the hospital out of compensation". Toyah has had enough, without another word she sweeps up the cakes and flounces out of the cafe.

Kevin, over at the garage, is inspecting a freshly-washed car. "OK Captain," he says, "you've done a good job there - quid we said warn't it?" The camera cuts to a close-up of young Tyrone Dobbs, on the make, who thought Kevin had said two quid. Now Kevin's may not be the sharpest intellect on the Street but he's wise to this one - perhaps as a kid he pulled the same stunt. "Well, what you thought was wrong - what you said was "clean this car for a quid Mister?" " As Tyrone has done a good job, he might get £1.50 next time, which seems to please the lad, who is immediately distracted, looking over his shoulder, by the sight of Toyah walking up to her front door and letting herself in. "'ey, 'oo's that baird?" he demands. Kevin, smiling indulgently, tells him who it is, but offers some advice: "Better stay away from her though, she's bad news. Whole family's bad news. Fancy her?" Tyrone doesn't. He doesn't bother with women, apparently. But he has worked out already that he's never seen anybody going into number 7, and asks about this. Kevin explains that it belongs to a bloke called Curly, who was wanted by the police so he did a runner. But "he's not wanted any more. Good bloke and all. Only thing we know for sure is, he's gone abroad somewhere, so the police can't tell him he's not wanted". But Tyrone's attention span has been long exhausted. While Kevin has been speaking we've been able to observe the tall black youth swaggering up behind Tyrone - evidently a friend of his, the newcomer clearly makes Tyrone lose all interest in Kevin, and the pair go straight off together arm in arm. Kevin looks on after them, amused. "Shouldn't you two be in school?" he calls.

In the corner shop, Ashley is pouring out his soul to Maude; behind his shoulder we see the Christmas hamper displayed prominently with its pink Day-Glo label. "It's no good," he moans, "I can't help wondering what those people are doing to my Zoe". Maude as ever is ready with sound practical advice. She went on retreat of her own accord. "I know," complains Ashley, "but they got her that mixed-up she doesn't know what's right any more". "Well," opines Maude, if we're talking straight, she never did have much grasp of right or wrong". At this moment, up to the counter looms that other ever-ready source of auntish advice, Audrey, with a carton of milk. "Well, that's true, you must admit that Ashley" she intrudes gloomily. Ashley becomes prickly. It doesn't stop him being worried about her. But Audrey insists "well, that does your heart more credit than your head. Maude's right, she's no good for you". Maude denies vigorously that she said any such thing.

The dispute is curtailed by the click of the shop door; it's Fred. "AUDREY LOVE, MY LITTLE TEAM TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOU?" he beams. Maude offers to sell Audrey a raffle ticket, but Fred grits his teeth as Audrey blithely tells Maude that she's already got hers. Maude looks suspiciously at Audrey, she doesn't remember selling her any tickets, but Audrey attempts to put her right. "No, no, actually it was Fred..." "...WHO URGED YOU TO BUY ONE" intervenes the jolly butcher, pointedly and loudly. "ASHLEY, DID YOU SELL COUNCILLOR MRS ROBERTS A RAFFLE TICKET?", fixing Ashley with a menacing glare. Ashley, tactfully, can't remember. "WELL THAT'S SETTLED THEN, BYE BYE AUDREY, DON'T FORGET YOUR MILK" as the hapless Audrey is hustled out of the door, with Fred hurling Maude a stare that would freeze the Ladybower Reservoir solid and crumble the ice to dust.

On the ward at Weatherfield General, a pony-tailed female nurse (I thought they had to keep their hair neatly up?) is doing her best to ignore Les Battersby while maintaining her professional dignity as Les demonstrates his selfless public-spiritedness - he's more than happy to make himself available as a guinea-pig for experiments with "that Viagra". He switches to a caring father mode as Toyah approaches down the ward. Toyah asks if he's had his dinner yet, and this sets Les off on a whine about how he had it halfway through the morning, and how the NHS system was geared to the needs of staff with customers like him coming last. Toyah's offer of fairy cakes will be a welcome relief and he perks up - he's coming home tomorrow. "Great!" says Toyah, "Are you feeling better?" But Les remembers he's supposed to have been damaged. "Better than I was", he complains pitifully, "But I'll never be what I used to be". Toyah looks concerned. Les reckons they've ruined his best years, probably shortened his life, he'll be wanting a lot of compensation for that. Toyah wants to ask him something, which makes Les come the caring father once again. "Feel free, that's what fathers are for". But she doesn't want advice, she wants a straight answer, did he nick some pills while Martin Platt wasn't looking? This is the cue for an outburst of righteous indignation. "Is that what he's saying? That's criminal libel that is! It's a load of rubbish. It's Martin Platt trying to cover himself. And if that's not Godde's honest truth, may I choke on this fairy cake". Which he bites into with all the relish of a man in the full bloom of life, and doesn't seem to be choking.

The Street is seen reflected in Natalie's glass door as a shifty figure bangs hard on the glass. A glimpse of cropped peroxide hair tells us that it's Tony, back in town. We see the shadowy figure of Natalie hesitate behind the glass before warily opening the door, looking frostily at her son. Cut to a close-up of Tony framed in the doorway looking shiftily aggressive, and rather frightened. They glower meaningfully at each other. (This scene and other related ones in this episode are characterised by long meaningful silences - as if they were scripted by Harold Pinter, I couldn't help thinking). At length Natalie breaks the brooding silence, challenging. "What are you doing here?". Tony is lost for words. "Can I come in?". If you must, says Natalie, grudgingly. Oh, the tension, the pent-up passion! He goes inside as she looks resigned. There's another long silence. "Don't look like that Mum, you look as if you can't stand the sight of me". Well, can you blame her? "What the hell do you expect, Tony?" she fires back, "The red carpet?". Tony protests that he had to see her to see if she was OK, he's been really worried about her. "Oh yeah?" ripostes Natalie, shouting now. "When have you worried about anybody but yourself?" "It's the truth!" he pleads, tearfully. Yes, he knows she blames him for what happened to Des and he wishes it hadn't happened but he can't turn back the clock. Natalie is increasingly despairing. "Des is dead, Tony, because of what you did, because of the drugs you were buying and selling, and because of the company you were keeping and falling out with!". Tony is struggling to fight back the tears now. "I know! I know! I'll never ever forgive myself for that but... I keep hoping you might". Natalie looks at him quizzically, pained. "I just want to be with you... I just want to make things right between us and look after you and help you...". The emotion proves too much for Natalie (there's more than a whiff of incest about this relationship, methinks), she can no longer hold back her own tears and she collapses on Tony's shoulder "Oh Tony!" she cries...

Two pairs of feet swagger down a cobbled and puddled alleyway, they turn out to belong to Tyrone and friend. "This must be number seven" says Tyrone. His friend is wary. "Suppose someone's in?" Cocky Tyrone is far from abashed, he pushes his friend over the wall to unbolt the gate and let him in. "The guy in the garage said it was..." and he's cut off as the friend motions him to crouch quietly behind the wall - we see the top of Toyah's head moving about in next door's yard. Tyrone torments his friend. "If you're scared, go home!" But friend is not going to admit to being scared. Tyrone demonstrates that what he conspicuously lacks in brain power he makes up for with consummate housebreaking skills (the camera carefully omits to show just how he so easily breaks open the window) and orders his friend in through the window. "Why is it always me?" asks the friend. "Because I'm the brains!" insists Tyrone. Friend climbs in through the window as Tyrone stands guard, then opens the back door. "And what do you want?" demands the friend as Tyrone pushes his way in.

I N T E R M I S S I O N

Greg is standing at the bar of the Rovers, chatting to a stranger (who is black as it happens, is this the production team awakening to a more realistic ethnic mix?). Behind them we can see Rita and Sally coming through the door. Sally isn't sure it's a good idea coming into the pub, but Rita brooks no nonsense - "Well I AM!". And at that moment, Sally catches sight of Greg and looks appalled. We cut to Rita and Sally; Sally is turned away, she doesn't know where to put herself. Rita is trying to take her in hand. "Well, you can't start staying out of places just because he might be there. Anyway, you've been using this pub a hell of a sight longer than he has!" With that she sternly instructs - no other words for it - Sally to find a seat while she fetches drinks.

Alec shows avuncular concern for Sally, and asks Rita if she's all right. "Not so good at the moment" is the reply. And when we cut to Sally she really isn't all right, she'd rather be a very long way off and looks like a frightened bird in a cage. Janice is behind her with the Underworld girls as they rise to return to work after their lunch break. She approaches sally, playing the Job's Comforter, triumphantly but with a hint of grudging sympathy. "You and Greg 'ave split up I 'ear. I thought it wouldn't last, I told you didn't I". Yes, agrees Sally ungraciously, without looking at Janice. "Well, yer'll just 'ave ter look after yerself now won't yer! But if yer thinkin' of askin' Baldwin for yer job back yer've no chance!". Rita comes to Sally's rescue, with drinks. Janice addresses her remarks to Rita now, "She's made a right mess of 'er life 'asn't she!" Rita is reproachful. "She came in here for a quiet drink, not aggravation!". But Janice isn't finished. "'ey, ''oos aggravatin' 'er? I'm on 'er side, though there's not a lot of folk round 'ere that are I'll tell yer!" Off goes Janice with the other Underworlders, leaving Rita looking martyred and Sally glum.

But there's worse to come for Sally, she sees Greg approaching and looks very scared indeed but Rita holds her down with a "Just sit tight love" as Greg seats himself opposite her and tries to look menacing, though not very convincingly, he's just smirking emptily. "You think you've got me sewn up don't you?" he threatens. "Running round putting blocks on me. But don't go round thinking you've finished with me yet." Sally has enough left to spit back "That's exactly what I've done!" "You'll find out different - before too long if you stay around here". But this only brings in Rita to Sally's defence: "Of course she's going to stay, Sally's got a lot of friends around here, which is more than you have, so why don't you go back to wherever you came from in the first place?" Greg just sneers, and rises to leave, wordlessly, as Alec hovers behind them. Rita reassures Alec "It's nothing we can't handle".

Natalie and Tony have finished a meal. Natalie is anxious, Tony sullen. "Did you go to London?" asks Natalie. "Yeah, no good" replies Tony. Nothing down there for him, got no contacts. Natalie is alarmed hearing the word "contacts", she suspects he's talking about drug dealing again. Which he probably is. But he protests, swears even, that that's all behind him and all he wants is a decent job, to settle down and get back to a decent way of living. "That includes looking after you, making things right between us. Natalie is weary. "I want to believe you Tony". Tony protests too strongly, "I'm telling you the TRUTH". He's truly sorry, he says, about everything that's happened. But, says Natalie, Des's brother hates him. Tony is piqued and answers sharply, "Why? What have you been telling him?" But she denies telling anything. "Not me, Des!" Colin has been to the police and told them Tony knows more than he's let on. "What the hell's he stirring it for?" he demands. Natalie is getting desperate. "He loved Des, Tony!" But Tony can only see Des as a love rival for his mother. Very Freudian. Colin, it seems, has told the police that Tony knew who the attackers were. And Natalie things Tony did too despite all his denials. And the frightened Tony sucks his thumb, as he starts to crack. "I'll tell you one thing I know for sure - if I shopped 'em, they'd be after me, I'd be next". There's worse for Tony - Natalie reveals that the police, in the shape of Sergeant Reynolds, visited her after Colin had spoken to him, to see if she had any more to tell him. Tony is panicking, but Natalie hasn't told. "Thanks!" he says, pathetically grateful. "Look Mum, you know you're the only person in the world that I can really trust. I just want you to feel that you can depend on me - same way that I depend on you!"

Tyrone's friend is searching Curly's kitchen cupboards as Tyrone himself slouches on Curly's sofa, going through Curly's record collection and tossing them aside with disgust. "He's got some rubbish music - pathetic!" I couldn't see what they were but they looked OK to me - but then I doubt if I'd share Tyrone's musical tastes. The two lads are upset with Curly's thoughtlessness at not leaving them enough to eat and drink - not even any beer, though there are a couple of bottles of wine. The friend thinks wine is a girl's drink though. "Depends on how strong it is" remarks worldly-wise Tyrone. They can always get some fish and chips in one evening and try the wine. Thinking of fish and chips reminds them that they are starving, so Tyrone suggests going back to "our" place to get something to eat. And "'ey, listen say nuffink to no-one, we've got a great place 'ere and from now on it's ours!"

Time has passed at Natalie's, or perhaps it's gone into a loop, as Tony protests once again that there's nothing he can do to turn back the clock. (Just to rub this in the kitchen clock is prominent behind his shoulder). And once again he whines that "I just want to get things right between us - start again. That's why I've come back! If it's what you then I'll clear out of your life and I'll never bother you again. If that's what you want". But Natalie doesn't believe him. "Oh Tony, leave it will you, you know that's not what I want!" OK then, is it all right if he, Tony, takes a bath before he gets chucked out? Who said anything about chucking you out, says Natalie, pandering to Tony's insecurity once more. "Thanks Mum," he says, relieved, "you're brilliant!". And off he goes to have his bath.

Natalie clears away her mug and plate, then catching sight of Tony's jacket seems to have an inspired idea. Cautiously checking that the coast is clear, she feels in one pocket and finds nothing. She feels in the other pocket and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. She takes a second dip into the pocket, and as the camera closes in on the pocket we see the manicured and nail-varnished hand withdraw two plastic packets of white powder. Natalie stares at the packets for several moments, before casting them away from her with an anguished cry of mixed disgust and despair.

Alec is sharing a bottle of wine at Rita's place, it's not clear where Sally has gone but she's found somewhere out of the way. Alec surveys the boxes scattered around the floor and remarks wistfully "So this is what's left of their business - knickers as far as the eye can see!" Rita is feeling mischievous; "I bet you've had dreams like this!" Alec rises beautifully to the bait, indignantly he protests "Ay, now then, coarseness doesn't become you Rita!". What he thinks Sally needs is a garage or lock-up shed - clearly Alec is proprietorial about Rita's territory and resents the intrusion. But Rita will have none of this, she's quiet happy for Sally to leave her stuff there and it's none of Alec's business. "I'll tell you what though, that Greg Kelly's a swine, he conned her, cheated her, robbed her - and he hit her". Gallant Alec is outraged. "WHAT?" he exclaims, "He knocked her about?" Rita regrets passing on this information and implores Alec not to do the same. "She's the talk of the chip shop as it is already without that". Alec won't say a word, but wants to know when Sally is going. Rita though has no intention of kicking her out. It's her flat, not his, after all. Well, suggests Alec, if she wants to escape from the overcrowding she's always welcome to slip through to his side of the connecting door. "Not while Sally's here Alec, it wouldn't be right."

Tyrone and friend are back at Deirdre's, slobbing about amidst the detritus of their predations - plates of biscuits, violated boxes of chocolates, a mess everywhere. Enter Jackie, exuberant, closely followed by Deirdre, who looks about her aghast. "OH NO!" she cries in disbelief "I can't put up with this!" "Wha?" inquires an uncomprehending Jackie. "The mess!" "Oh yeah, it is a bit untidy isn't it!" The boys sit impassive, glued to the television, so Jackie gets frustrated. "Tyrone, what have I told you? If you can't find a tablecloth, put a newspaper down". Wonderful! Meanwhile, Deirdre has discovered the ransacked fridge and declares incredulously "looks like a swarm of locusts has been through it". Her anger rising, she declares "This is too much! I've had enough, I'm going for a drink". Jackie's offer to join her in the drink is brusquely swept aside. "NO! I'd rather go on my own. And when I come back I want this place STRAIGHT. Like it was after I cleared up this morning. And then you and me are going to have a little talk, Jackie, about how much longer you're staying". And with that she storms out. "See what you've done, soft ollies!" she says, slapping the impervious Tyrone about the head. "Get this place cleared up!". "I'm watching this!" whines Tyrone. "Marcus," says Jackie to the friend - so that's what his name is - "do one kidder, 'es goin' to be very busy. And Marcus obligingly leaves, no doubt glad to get away. "That's not fair!" whinges Tyrone, "he made just as much mess as me". "Now listen, Tyrone Sylvester!" admonishes Jackie, "You're gonna get us chucked out of 'ere, with yer cheeky backtalk and yer mess and yer nasty ways - why can't yer be more like me, eh?". And Tyrone, impassive, says nothing.

Natalie is sitting at the table feeling hopeless as Tony comes downstairs, fresh from his bath. He's wearing a different shirt. "Good to be clean again," he says, "Erm, I found this shirt in the wardrobe". Natalie just stares at him for a while. "That's Des's shirt" she says at length. "Yeah, I know that Mum. You don't mind, do you?" But of course she minds. She can't contain her anger, gets up to confront her son. "You're not fit to wear anything of his! Don't you talk to me about feeling clean Tony. You with your dirty drugs for sale". He's not ready for this onslaught. "You told me it was over, you swore to me..." But he can only manage an accusing reply. "You've been going through my jacket, you've no right!". Natalie is screaming now. "Don't you talk to me about rights! What right have you to come in here and lie to me and say you're sorry and you've changed, you disgust me!" The tears are close to the surface. Tony is panicking again. "You've taken my stuff - WHERE IS IT?" he demands. "In a safe place" she tells him, as the doorbell rings. And Tony really does panic at the ring. "Who's that?" he asks, frightened. It's Sergeant Reynolds of course, Natalie phoned him after she found Tony's supplies. But "I haven't told him Tony, and I hope I don't have to. Talk to him. Give him all the help he needs. Tony is edgy as the sergeant and his henchman enter. They go through formal introductions. "Hello again Mr Horrocks," says Reynolds, "I think we need to talk".

Nick is at home attempting to wrap his limited intellect round a tabloid newspaper when Ashley comes downstairs, distraught and apparently in a trance. He is carrying a book. "What's up?" says gormless Nick, as it slowly dawns on him that something is amiss. A long silence, then Ashley indicates the book. "Found this under some of Zoe's clothes", he says despondently. "Her diary, Ashley," says Nick, "She'll go mad if she finds you reading that. But Ashley is of the opinion that Zoe is already mad. Anyway, it's not a diary, but a series of letters to Shannon. Nick can understand why it might help Zoe to write things down, but, in tears, Ashley reads an excerpt aloud. About afterlife, and not being separated for ever. Nick replies that lots of people believe in an afterlife, he's not sure he doesn't himself, and all religions talk about that sort of thing. But Ashley continues to read. "Nirab will keep you safe with me. And Ben will keep me safe with the love of Nirab". What can Zoe mean? Ashley is jealous, threatened, especially at the mention of Ben. "It's these Foundation people. They've got her not knowing which way's up." Nick tries to reassure him with the thought that Zoe is coming home tomorrow. But Ashley doubts that she will come back.

Tony is being given a grilling by Sergeant Reynolds and is close to breaking point. He's still denying everything, but loses his rag under the close questioning. Natalie looks pleadingly at him. He gives a little ground. "I think they were the same". Reynolds senses a kill and moves in. "Mr Colin Barnes tells me you know these men. He's made a statement". Tony is very scared now. "You got that wrong" he insists. This is too much for Natalie, who bursts out "For Godde's sake Tony! Stop lying will yer! They killed Des! They're walking about out there and you know who they are! Tell him, please! You owe it to Des! You owe it to me!" And Tony finally breaks; "You don't know what you're asking, you just don't understand!", he screams. This is all Reynolds needs to take Tony into custody and accompany him to the station down the road. "Oh well, thanks Mum! Thanks for everything", he says as he is led out.

But Natalie has no words, we close with the camera lingering on her forlorn, hopeless and dejected face...

For those who look to the Street for safe reassurance and warm Lancashire humour, there can have been little comfort in this rather intensely bleak and desolate episode, I can only hope for their sake that we get another good wedding before long. But John Stevenson's script stands up very well, balancing some very heavy, and meaty scenes with just enough lightness to relieve without diminishing the seriousness. I thought this was a pretty good one anyway.

The star performance was certainly that of Denise Welch, who was quite stunning. I have mixed feelings about Lee Warburton as Tony, the character is unlikeable, shifty, deceitful, self-deluding, and above all very, very weak. I guess an actor relishes strong roles, but to carry off such a weak character so strongly must require a special talent, I think Lee should be given the benefit of the doubt. He certainly comes across as perfectly odious.

Till the next time,

Rosalind


Friday 11 December

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update.... Tinky productions apologise for the slightly late arrival of this update, on account of me being just a bit pinged out. Too much booze, too little sleep, same old story, I know!!! In terms of Ping Reports, I won't steal Annie's thunder, I'll delay my report until she has posted hers, suffice to say, a superb weekend was had in the presence of some lovely company.

The Christmas season is in full swing at Trude's place with the build up to the Carol Concerts and Nativity Plays to be held this coming week. Highlight comment has to go to a youngster in the Nursery - the Headteacher had told the kids the nativity story and was testing their understanding of it all. "So children", she says, "whose birthday do we celebrate at Christmas?" This little four year old sticks her hand up and excitedly proclaims "Mine Miss, and I get lots and lots of presents!!" There ain't nothing like the natural innocent humour of youngsters.

The episode commences at Natalie's. Kevin has called round to see how she is, as he had seen the police last night with Tony. She tells him that she was "setting the records straight" and explains "straight from the horse's mouth" how, with obviously mixed feelings, she "shopped Tony to the police last night, me own son...."

At Roy's Rolls, Sally has come in to clear the air with Gail, under the pretext of having a cup of tea. Gail is initially a bit cool with her, so Sally comes clean to tell her that the relationship between her and Greg has finished, she also wants to say that she knows she has been acting like an idiot and if she could turn the clock back, she would. The girls come first now, she says, to Gail's approval. When Gail asks "what about Kevin, does he know about you and Greg?", Sally explains how the girls are with Kevin and how she is stopping with Rita until she sorts herself out. Gail asks Sally about her future plans with Kevin but Sally confesses that she has a lot to think about, she is not quite sure where she is at the moment (Are any of us? What is the meaning of life? what do we mean by the word mean?), all she knows is that the girls have had a rotten time with it. (Well, I always thought baked bean and fish finger overdosing was a crime, but there you go.) Gail wisely points out that Christmas is coming up and that will cheer up the girls. Sally vows that Christmas will be a time for them to remember one way or another (Wot? No chips?), that way it will make them forget what's happened this year. Gail says amen to the return of the Sally she knows.

Natalie is explaining to Kevin that she knows that Tony didn't kill Des, but it was because of him that the thugs were here. She regrets not listening to Des and not throwing out Tony on his ear, but Kevin understands that Natalie couldn't do that to her son (the brain implant IS working, LOL!). Despite that, Natalie still has feelings of guilt in calling for the police. Kevin tries to reassure her that there is a better chance of catching the thugs who killed Des, in any case, Tony was still dealing in drugs, she has nothing for which to blame herself. Natalie is preoccupied by the nightmare of the recent events, she has felt like her head has been going to explode ever since that night, she has been "walking around, feeling guilty, frightened, even, thinking she is responsible for Des' death". Her feelings are clearly causing her much anguish, she put on a tough front for others, but "up here", pointing to her head, she feels she is going to go mad. Now, having shopped her own son to the police, she faces another nightmare - where has Tony gone? what does he think of her? what has she done to him? - she just wanted to protect him. Kevin tells her that she did right and that Tony isn't worth her worrying.

"Hello Maud, how's your bum for love bites this morning?" is Jackie Dobbs' cheery greeting in the corner shop. Maud tells her she'll be fine and dandy once Jackie's bought what she wants. Our chirpy Scouse Slagette retorts that she resents being treated that way just because she's "done a bit of bird", in any case, she bets that the store detective isn't set onto Deirdre when she comes in. Maud firmly points out that what happened to Deirdre was a miscarriage of justice, whereas Jackie is brazenly bragging about her prison spell as if it were "a week at Butlins". The slanging match carries on which Jackie taking the mickey out of Maud accusing her getting the wrong side out of bed, or, as she succinctly puts it, being caught in a speed-check (in her wheelchair). Turning to Ashley, looking long-faced, she comments sarcastically that his face is good for trade.

As Jackie goes to look for her provisions, Maud suggests that Ashley keeps an eye out on her, "bet she could give Paul Daniels a lesson or two in how to make things vanish". (Note for non UK viewers, Paul Daniels made his name as a TV magician.) Ashley couldn't care less, he has more things to worry about than a few tins of baked beans - Zoe is back today, but he doesn't know what to expect, Ben and Ruth have been putting all sorts of crazy ideas into her head.

Maxine pops in full of the joys of spring, well, actually, the hot news that Greg and Sally have split up and that, apparently Greg was knocking Sally about. When Maud points out that she needs to be careful spreading such stories, Maxine's reply is that it's not her, it's what folk are saying (LOL!!!) - in any case, Greg was the perfect gentleman when he was with her!!! "Apart from when he was seeing Sally Webster behind your back" retorts Ashley!! Game, set and match to Ashley Peacock, as he leaves Centre Court.

Jackie has sorted out her purchases, "here we are, here's the money and I suppose you want to check me pockets as well, do you?" "Not this time, thank you", says Maud.

Maxine is fishing for hot gossip on the Greg/Sally story wondering whether Maud heard anything. Maud plays the deaf, wise monkey, in any case, it's nobody's business. Maxine playing the community minded citizen says you just cannot ignore something like that.

Jackie joins in the conversation. "It's a terrible thing when a man hits a woman. Mind you, the odd slap around the chops helped me keep my fella in check! Happy days Maud!" and then makes her exit stage left. What a superbly grotesque character is our Margi.

Maud corrects Maxine's impression, pointing out that there is a difference between turning a blind eye and interfering in personal affairs, "what goes on upstairs in that flat is for Sally to sort out, not for people with a bone to pick to get fat on!" Youch!!

At Roy's Rolls, Toyah comes in, obviously very late, much to Gail's relief. However, Gail's relief is short-lived as Toyah has come in to tell her that she cannot work this lunchtime. Les is coming out of hospital and they are having a "welcome home" party for him. This does not amuse Gail, who opines that the only kind of party he deserves is one with a lynching rope. Toyah refuses to get drawn in and Gail threatens her that if she cannot be here for her job, then her job might not be here waiting for her. She launches into a tirade of how Les is trying to ruin Martin's career and asks Toyah to show some consideration. The exchange ends with Toyah telling her "Your toast's burning", which has Gail diverted to that issue. By the time she turns back, Toyah has left the café.

Natalie has come home. To her surprise, Tony is inside waiting for her. He still has a set of keys, "Did you forget? Like you forgot I was your son last night, when you threw me to the coppers?" he replies angrily.

At the Rovers, RFred is in full boom. "I take it you will be partaking of a festive fowl this year with Rita, will you, Alec? What'll it be, duck, goose or turkey? You'll have to get your order in quick, quality birds wait for no man." Alec, ever the big spender, reckons they won't want to make a fuss, a small chicken will do, as there will be just him and Rita. "A chicken? To celebrate the birth of Our Lord and your first Christmas with that fine lady? A chicken?" is Fred's astonished reply. "Are you familiar with the festive works of Charles Dickens?"

At that point, Greg walks by and Fred turns his attention to him. He wants two months rent from him - the flat was let to him on the basis of sole occupancy and as there has been a family of four residing there, he is due more rent. Greg tells him that he is on his own again, but Fred is not impressed. He is more concerned about that wear and tear on the property during their stay. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll have what I'm owed." Greg tells him not to worry, he'll get his money. "Yes, that I will, lad, by Monday or my keys back. Oh and just a word of warning! It gets awful parky on these cobbles this time of year!!" Seasonal greetings to you too - Alec has overheard the interchange. He smiles at Fred and says the word "Dickens?" the look on Fred's face is a real treat!!! ROTF!!! Magic stuff!!

Natalie and Tony are still having their tête-à-tête. Natalie tells him that she didn't want to go to the police. "Oh, but you did all the same" sneers Tony. When asked whether he told the police the truth, he admits he didn't have a lot of choice. He is concerned what will happen when Carl's friends get to him - he wonders whether she has any idea what they will do to him, before they kill him. She tells him he should have gone to the police a long time ago. He replies that "happily ever after" stories just don't happen in real life. "That's a fairy story, you've got to look after number one", he tells her. When she gets angry with his selfish attitude, "is that all you are interested in, number one?", his cutting reply is "Why not? I got it off you." Youch.

The taxi has brought Les back home from hospital. Leanne and Toyah have been taken by surprise, as he has come home early, and hurriedly unfurl a banner on the doorstep, proclaiming "Welcome home." He is chuffed to mintballs and thanks the girls. The mood of this happy scene changes rapidly as Gail walks by. He doesn't deserve a welcome home, she tells him, she calls him an evil liar. When the girls protest, her answer is "who is going to believe a layabout slob like you, next to Martin?" (Why don't you tell us how you really feel, Gail!! LOL!!) she tells him to quit before he gets laughed out of court. Toyah gets all defensive and Les hams it up for the sympathy vote, saying that he doesn't feel very well.

At Ashley's, the lad is waiting for Zoe to come back from her retreat. He hears a car pulling up and peers through the net curtains. It is Ben and he has Zoe with him. Zoe comes in alone, while Ben waits for her. Meanwhile, Ashley has sat down on the settee, not to make it obvious that he is anxiously awaiting her return. He greets Zoe with affection telling her that he has missed her and that she looks good. He offers her some tea, but it is clear Zoe has something important to tell him. She has been chosen by Nirab to have a baby, she tells him.

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1 * *******************

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences back at Ashley's. He is trying to take in the significance of Zoe's news. She is telling him that this is a big honour which has been bestowed on her, there are only a few of them in the world, "daughters of Nirab", who have been chosen to have babies before the final day. Ashley wonders with whom she is going to have this baby, recognising that, the way things have been going lately, it won't be with him. She tells him that the whole idea is that these babies are pure, from within the Foundation. "It's sick", is Ashley's diagnosis. There is no meeting of minds here, as Zoe tells him she misses Shannon and wants another baby, Ashley replies that they can have a baby together but Zoe rejects his offer.

At Curly's place there is a mini-party in full flow. Tyrone and his pal, Marcus are whooping it up to Dexys Midnight Runners. They knock over and smash an ornament. Ty is upset, as it could have been "worth a few quid" as they could have flogged it. Ty doesn't want to spoil a good thing, they've got to use the facilities while they can. Marcus has been looking for a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine - he is delighted when he finds one, only to discover that he doesn't know how to use it. But Ty is a lad with a vision - now they have a place of their own, they might want to start entertaining, he tells his chum, "There's a cracker lives next door. She's got an older sister and all." When Marcus asks whether they'd be up for it, "Are you kidding? Like a rat up a drainpipe" is the naively optimistic reply. As Ty opens the bottle, Marcus comes across the house keys. "Let the good times roll" is Ty's jubilant cry, as they get stuck into the wine.

Natalie is still arguing with Tony. She didn't enjoy shopping Tony to the police, but she didn't enjoy watching Des dying either, she tells him, so if he's had his say, he can get out. Well, he only came back to pick up his property, is his reply, referring to his drugs. When she tells him that she flushed them down the toilet, this is too much for Tony who lunges at his mother. "You stupid cow" he yells at her, "you're just as stupid as was and look where it got him." In the scuffle, she slaps his face hard. "You make me sick. I think about the night you were born and it makes me want to heave, thinking what you've turned out to be. You might not have killed Des, but how many other lives have you ruined with that rubbish you've been peddling? And do you know what? It feels like it's my fault because I'm your mother." By this stage is sobbing her heart out in despair at how her son has turned out. Tony is desperate - selling the drugs is the only way of staying ahead and coming up with the cash to pay off Carl's crew. Natalie has the solution and hands him a cheque. She asks whether it is enough. Tony is speechless. She tells him her house is sold, Des' estate will be through soon. That money is not for drugs, and not to pay some loan shark off. It's to get out of the country, to get away as far as he needs to go. "To hell you mean? queries Tony. "I don't care. As long as I never have to set eyes on you again. Call it your inheritance, Tony. Because from now on, I'm dead as far as you are concerned. Get out! Now!" The dramatic scene ends in total silence as Tony departs, without saying a word.

Ashley is upset beyond belief at Zoe's news. Ben is obviously going to be the father, he realises. Zoe tells him that it is none of his business. "None of my business? You're my girlfriend, Zoe" he pleads, "well at least you were until this lot got inside your head." Zoe maintains that the whole issue has nothing to do sex, but Ashley scorns her belief, they've really got her brainwashed. The whole thing is a con, a sick dirty trick, as far as he is concerned. She tells him that this is what she wants to do. Ashley's emotions are getting the better of him. "Already made a start have you, eh? While you've been away on this retreat? Been at it for Nirab, have you?" The argument degenerates, as Ashley confesses he saw her kissing Ben. That is the final straw for Zoe, as she tells him that Ben warned her never to come back, she should have listened to him. She announces that she cannot take any more and she is going to leave - she informs him that they were finished a long time ago, now she is going to move out, she is going where she belongs.

In the Rovers, we see hobbling Les making a dedicated entrance to the pub, with Janice helping him. Mike Baldwin comments to Alec that he thought Les was supposed to be on death's door. Alec puts it down to the miracles of modern medicine, "let's hope they've not surgically removed his drinking mechanism."

Les sits down as Janice goes to the bar to get a drink for her hubby. Alec enquires after Les' welfare, well, the bit to do with drinking anyway. "No pills or owt to stop you supping?" Les announces, to Alec's delight, that tonight, he is out celebrating. "Just celebrating being alive" adds Janice. "Well, we can't have everything, can we" mutters Alec sarcastically.

While waiting for the drinks, Janice gets into conversation with Mike, who offers a mock-sympathetic ear.

In the meantime, Scouse Slagette (aka Jackie) has sidled up to Les. "Nice to have you back, Les, love" she purrs. He goes into overdrive, telling her how he actually died and then had an out-of-body experience.

Deirdre is complaining to Alma how she just cannot get away from Jackie - wherever she turns, Jackie is there, home, work, Rovers, she didn't see this much of her when she was in prison. Alma hopes that Slagette will find a place of her own and move on - this sounds like a dream for Deirdre. (During this exchange, we have a cameo appearance of Michael Crawford - he comes into the Rovers, walks up to the bar in the distance and orders a drink, neatly framed by Deirdre and Alma in the foreground. Do I hear "Betty... can I have a drink?")

Janice is telling Mike about Greg and Sally splitting up and ending the business. This really is good news week for Mike, as his delight gets translated into generosity - Janice's drinks are on him and "a couple of chasers as well"

Les is still weaving his own brand of fiction to an enthralled Slagette. He is talking about this bright light, "it was as if someone had put in the whole of the (Status) Quo's lighting rig in there." Then he heard "someone calling, calling my name. 'Don't go. Not yet, Les.' And do you know something Jackie, I could have sworn it was you." (LOL!! What style!!!)

By this time, Janice has their drinks and breaks up Les' private party. "That, is my seat, lady!! And that's me husband, while you're about it." Janice's demeanour suggests someone who won't stand for any messing. Jackie gets the message loud and clear and scarpers off sharpish.

Natalie has come into the pub. She tells Alec that hasn't come for a drink, she has come back to work. She needed to get a few things sorted out but now she has to get on with her life. She moves behind the bar and gets back to work.

Janice is telling Les that Greg has been knocking Sally Webster around. Les refuses to believe that and suggests that she is probably bad-mouthing because he's dumped her or something. When Janice tells him that Sally and Greg are finished, that's proof positive as far as Les is concerned. Anyway, he'll get to the bottom of this, he's not going to have people saying that a son of his has to knock his women about to keep them in check.

At the Platt's place, Gail is telling Martin how she lost her temper with Les Battersby earlier on. Martin is not pleased, "that's marvellous, that's great, you didn't kick him in his best leg, while you were at it, did you?" He recognises that it is totally counterproductive having a go at Les in the street, like a red rag to a bull. Gail was only trying to defend him and couldn't just stand around doing nothing, while his lying loses Martin his job. Martin decides that the only step left is to talk to Les and storms out of the house to do just that.

It is dark as he crosses the road, but we see Ty and Marcus leaving Curly's house by the front door, a few seconds before Alma and Mike walk past.

Martin knocks on Les' door, to find Nick answering it. Les comes to the door, as Nick beats a hasty retreat, reluctant to get involved. Martin tries to challenge Les, if it's a practical joke then it's not funny. Les' reply is that being dead isn't funny either and he was close to that fate, thanks to him. When Martin tells him that this statement is rubbish, Les' answer is that the judge can decide that and slams the door in Martin's face.

On the other side of the road, Sally is opening the door to Rita's flat. Maxine is walking past and cannot resist an opportunity to crow "I'd heard you changed digs. I always knew Greg wouldn't stay with you, dunno what he saw in you in the first place. Hardly a supermodel, are ya?" Her parting shot is that in future she shouldn't go for other girls' blokes "go for somebody more your own age!" Youch!! Bitchy, bitchy!

At Ashley's place, Nick is just coming through the door, followed a few seconds later by Leanne. We see Ashley, distraught, sitting at the foot of the stairs. Zoe has her bags and announces that she is leaving to live with the Foundation. Ashley tells her to give them the rest of the story, she is gonna have a baby with them. They look on, incredulous. She thanks Ashley for everything in the past and leaves the house. Ben is waiting for her outside. Ashley runs after her imploring her not to leave him. He tells Zoe he loves her, but Ben tells him to let Zoe go, "she doesn't want you anymore." Ashley lunges at Ben but is restrained by Nick as Ben and Zoe get into the car. The car starts and moves off, leaving behind Ashley, distressed by way events have developed.....

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Phil Ford.

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? A really good episode in my book.

Some great dialogue and amazingly brilliant and bitchy one-liners - well done, scriptwriter, Phil Ford.

Some magic light comedy provided by Fred and Alec - those guys really are stars, wonderful lines, great delivery, impeccable timing and the facial expressions, well, out of this world. Beautiful stuff.

In terms of drama and emotion, superb stuff from Ashley, full of despair at losing Zoe to the cult. For me though, Denise Welch as Natalie Barnes shone again, with an exceptional performance in her interchange with Tony. In her, we really have an amazing actress with real class and ability. Bravo!!!

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 13 December

Well, last week's promise to turn up on time this week fell at the first hurdle, or more precisely it keeled over when leaving the starting gates. Once again, my apologies for the late arrival of this service - it's bad enough trailing in after The Rattler's Monday update without being passed by Rosalind's Wednesday epistle. And she writes about 3 times as much as I do.

It's not been a wonderful week, this week. I am looking forward to starting afresh after the weekend. It has been 5 long days of hassle with two cars and a house. Fortunately, most things seem to be back in working order, but the wear and tear on me may take longer to heal. Why does everything break at the same time, and why is this time immediately before Christmas, truly one of the busiest periods ?

So, let's get straight on with the update, which may be even shorter than usual this week. As the signature tune draws to a close, I note we have a new typeface for the program title. Whatever next ? That new-fangled colour stuff, perhaps ?

Act 1
Sally and Rita and Alec are discussing underwear. Fortunately, not each other's, but the boxes and boxes of stock that Sally liberated from Greg's office. Rita notes that she suspects she knows what she'll be getting for Christmas. Apparently, there are several thousand items in all, and Sally doesn't know who she can sell them to. Alec suggests Mike Baldwin. She can't believe he's serious, but Alec reasonably points out that Mike is a business man and won't pass up any opportunity to make a bit of extra money. Sally isn't happy, and thinks there must a better idea.

Martin and Gail are discussing the Les situation. Gail wonders if Les would go so far as to take the matter to court. Martin thinks Les is capable of anything, and resolves to have a word with Janice, as she might be more approachable.

Gary enters the cafe, to find Ashley sitting looking very forlorn. He hasn't had much sleep the night before, worrying about Zoe. Gary and Judy sit down and join him, and he tells them how Zoe had been away for 3 days at a retreat, when he'd had no contact with her at all. Then she'd returned and announced that she'd been chosen to have a baby "for Nirab" and had now left his house and was staying at the Foundation house. He'd had a look through some of her things while she was away, and had found her diaries full of letters to her dead child. Gary thinks it's time Ashley went to the police, to see if they could help. Perhaps some of the Foundation's activities aren't legal ? He offers to go along with Ashley, for support.

Martin contrives to bump into Janice as she is leaving her house to go to work. She tells him she's late already, and he replies that she's lucky to have a job to go to. [Martin's been suspended from work.] He tells her in no uncertain terms that he knows Les is lying, and can she persuade him to tell the truth, perhaps ? Of course, we know before this conversation starts that Martin is doomed to fail, because no matter how stupidly Les behaves, Janice is the sort of woman who will stand by him. She tells Martin that she thinks *he* made the mistake and gave Les too many painkillers, because Les had been getting on his nerves.

The centre of attention is in the Rovers, where he encounters his long-lost son, Greg. Greg asks how Les is. He's obviously not heard about the incident with the painkillers and Les duly fills him in with his version of events. "Martin Platt tried to bump me off !", he concludes. Greg hopes that Les is going to do something about it, something more than just making a complaint to the hospital. Has Les talked to a solicitor ? On hearing that he has not, Greg immediately offers to take charge, and phones his mate Richard. He asks Richard if he knows anyone who deals with negligence. And he hopes that he might make a few bob, in the process. While he is on the phone, Sally enters and walks past him to speak to Mike. She explains about the stock, and offers to sell the underwear to him. Greg tells Les that he has set up a meeting that evening with a solicitor who specialises in compensation claims. Les is surprised how quickly Greg has organised things. He thanks him, and goes on to mention how he has heard people saying that he and Sally have split up, and that he was "knocking her about a bit". Greg doesn't look very chuffed at this.

Down at the police station, Ashley and Gary are in the waiting room, where Ashley seems to be having second thoughts about going through with it all. As they talk about the cult, a female officer behind the desk takes an interest and asks them to come through and tell her more. She takes Zoe's details [in the process of which we learn that Zoe is only just 17], and then reveals that they have had many visits, mostly from worried parents, about other young people being drawn into the Foundation. Apparently, Nirab's followers have been working in the Weatherfield area for about a year, and elsewhere in Britain. She tells Ashley and Gary that the Foundation target young people who lack security for one reason or another. Ashley tells her that Zoe lost a a baby earlier that year. "That would have given them something to really get their teeth into", the inspector notes. The police seem well aware of the various techniques used. Gary says it sounds just like brainwashing to him, and the policewoman admits that that's certainly one way to describe it. He asks what the point of it is. The police think that Nirab himself is just a businessman on a power trip, at least they haven't found any evidence of any other motives. She asks how Zoe had got involved with the cult, and is not surprised to hear Ben and Ruth's names mentioned. Ben is a fairly senior figure in the organisation. Also a bit of a ladies man, apparently. Ashley, increasingly angry, flares up and demands to know why no-one's doing anything about it. Gary calms him down. The inspector tells them that the problem is that the cult are not doing anything actually illegal, and offers to put Ashley in contact with a support group.

Around at Rita's flat, Mike is taking a look at Sally's underwear. [You know I just put it like that on purpose !] He acts unimpressed, but she swears it is quality stuff, all paid for and above board. She tells him she'd paid three-and-a-half thousand for it all, but wants two thousand, fifteen-hundred at the very least. Mike charmingly offers five hundred. Rita enters at this point, just in time to hear him. "How much !!", she exclaims. He won't budge though, and wishes them a Merry Christmas as leaves without a deal. Rita brands him a "Cockney twerp". She thinks the stock is worth more than that, sold door-to-door. This inspires Sally to think of taking a market stall and selling it that way. She's done it before, with Mike in fact. Rita offers Alec's assistance to get the boxes down to the market. "Anything's better than dealing with that shyster !", she concludes.

Intermission
There were some adverts. I didn't watch them.

Act 2
Ashley and Gary have returned to the Rovers. Fred spies Ashley, and has a go at him for leaving Maud alone in the shop for so long. Ashley explains how they've been down to the police station about Zoe. Fred asks if this is because she'd nicked something before she left. This is the final straw for Ashley, who has a real go at Fred and his misconceptions. He ends by telling his uncle that in future he should keep his opinions to himself. He walks across the bar and sits down with Judy and Gary. Gary tells her how they had got on down at the police station. They're all downbeat about the fact that no-one seems capable of stopping the Foundation.

The Street's latest, but by no stretch of the imagination, greatest recruit, Tyrone is found in Curly's house along with his friend Marcus. They are dialling phone sex lines and stuffing themselves with the contents of Curly's kitchen cupboards. [It's a real shame he doesn't appear to have left any paraquat under the sink !] To cap it all, Tyrone has found Curly's piggy bank. [I suspect Curly is one of those people who puts their loose change away every day. He's not that sad as to keep a fortune in a small pottery animal !]

Les thanks Greg for setting up the meeting with the solicitor, who is due to arrive soon. He suggests maybe Greg should have a word with him, himself, about Sally's slander. Greg is spared further shame by the arrival of said solicitor, a somewhat dubious-looking overweight character. Les rubs an imaginary sore shoulder as they shake hands. Before they get properly talking, though, they are interrupted by Fred, who demands to know when Greg will be paying the rent on the flat.

It's knocking-off time at the factory, and as the girls leave, Jackie spots Tyrone on the other side of the street. He nips down one of the side alleys, and she sets off in pursuit, no doubt wondering what he's up to. She catches up with him in Curly's living room, and demands to know "what the hell's going on here ?!".

Sally is round at Kevin's, asking him if he'd mind taking the girls to school as she has to be off early down to the market. He says of course he will take Rosie and Sophie to school, and then invites Sally to stay for her tea. [Sadly, it is not known if they are about to sit down to a plate of baked beans, or fish fingers...]

Jackie wants to know how the two scallies had got into the empty house. Tyrone shows her the keys, which he claims they'd found in the back yard. She's angry about the mess they've made, and slings them out. A thoughtful look appears on her face as she surveys the house...

Leanne offers to go and get a takeaway for her and Nick, but fails to properly attact his attention as he is busy trying to listen in on Les and the solicitor. He tells Leanne they are discussing Martin. Leanne takes sides, and they have an animated discussion about the rights and wrongs. Finally, Nick decides he'll have a chicken korma. [Just to amplify this, that's about the mildest curry going, which suits Nick's rather fey image. And no jokes about rings, please !]

Les and his solicitor discuss their case. As you might guess, Les' imagination starts to run riot as he readily agrees to perhaps having unnoticed after-effects [like pound signs rolling around in his eyes, perhaps] and being examined by another doctor. He rubs his shoulder a lot, too. What a shonk.

Back to the Websters house, where the girls are soon despatched upstairs to play, in order for Sally and Kevin to talk about more adult things. He asks her if it's true that she and Greg have split up, and was it anything to do with Greg hitting her ? Sally doesn't comment directly on that, but does say that she's learnt her lesson.

Nick goes to see Gail at home, and tells her that he's overheard Les talking to a solicitor in the Rovers. Gail is alarmed as she realises that things are getting very serious for Martin.

My final note for this episode tells me that "Ashley is thinking about snatching Zoe back from the Foundation". However, I haven't added any context and can't remember who he was talking to. Oops ! Anyway, that was the end of the show tonight.

This episode was written by Mark Wadlow.

I really have to post this and rush off home, so I'll just quickly add that this was a somewhat better episode tonight, and there's better still to come. In particular, we are about to see some terrific stuff from Steven Arnold, who plays an increasingly distraught Ashley. I think he's really excellent, especially considering he is probably only about 20 - I mean, at that age, how can he summon up such despair ? Ah, but wait, inspiration strikes ! He must be a Man City fan !

And on that slight spoiler, I'll leave you.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

One more Sunday episode before Christmas !

John Laird


Monday 14 December

Hi :)

Well, folks, it's Update time again and it really seems like far more than a week ago since I did my last one. Aside from suffering from a couple of viruses (computer and healthwise!) it's been mostly a rather fab one too, culminating in great style with the most excellent Xmas Mini-Ping in Manchester on the weekend which, no doubt, RATUCS/Guestbook readers will have already read about from pens far mightier than my own. So rather than retread their steps I'll simply thank *everyone* who was there profusely for making it a night to remember indeedy and leap straight into this week's Monday Update, a marked improvement over the last couple of episodes, too, I should add!

We open in the House Of Elliot where, unfortunately, the loosest plot development this week is well under way. Ashley is planning a 'raid' (!) on the Foundation Headquarters. He intends to kidnap Zoe and bring her back home in order to save her from the evil Nutters of Nirab. Leanne (who is sporting this year's essential fashion accessory in her hair... tinsel!) is worried that this act of vigilance isn't the hottest idea known to man and explains that maybe Ash should just cut his losses and let his girlfriend stay with the loonies since, technically speaking, it is *her* choice. He is adamant however that she's been brainwashed and isn't in control of her own thoughts, thus concludes that Operation Tattersall is GO! Oh yes, Nicky is mincing around in the background and, after tossing his golden locks from side to side for a few minutes, finally offers to accompany his friend on the rescue mission. Ashley doesn't look best pleased at having to drag such a big wet nelly along with him but accepts the offer anyway.

Meanwhile, Sally is having trouble getting to the market to pedal her wares (Quiet at the back!) as the car she wanted to take, Alec's, has visibly not been privy to an MOT test in several years. Even a nearby Kevin can do nowt to fix it but, in an uncharacteristic act of generousity/sympathy, the Manic Mechanic offers to loan Sal the use of his van for the morning. She is understandably grateful.

Over breakfast in the Platt Household, Martin and Gail discuss the buying of a bike for young David's (where's he been for the last 12 months or so anyway?) Christmas present but times look tough now that Florence has been suspended from his job. "There's no reason David should have everything new, you know" says Gail, putting forth the idea of a second hand cycle, "I didn't and neither did you, I'm sure"... She then proceeds to turn the Misery Knob up to eleven and breaks it to her husband that Les has gotten a solicitor and that it looks like he's going to milk the (allegedly) Negligent Nurse for all he's worth. Martin tries to stay positive, adamant that a proper investigation will unearth the truth that is his innocence but then Gail reminds him, albeit as nicely as possible, that leaving the drugs trolley unlocked at the end of a patient's bed probably isn't the Medical Board's favourite definition of "innocence".

At The Drear's Domain, a furious Deidre enters the lounge to find Tyrone Dobbs and his buddy sprawled out on the couch and the floor, respectively, surrounded by half-eaten takeaway chicken tikka and empty beer cans. As she walks around, surveying the damage and voicing in no uncertain terms her distress about the mess, the stench, the stains and the downright cheek of it all, the two boys talk amongst themselves wondering if she "treats all her lodgers like this" (LOL!)... She finally leaves for work in a right state and, just then, Jackie comes out of the bathroom and asks what the lads are planning to get up to today. They ask if they can have the key to Curly's place back (!) but she puts her foot down quite rightly and says that it's out of the question.

In the Hallowed Grounds otherwise known as Roy's Rolls, Martin shows Gail an advert he found in the paper for a cheap bicycle and tells her he's going to see if it's still available. He has obviously come round to her way of thinking but still puts on a happy face, even when she explains that Les wouldn't have his *own* solicitor hired if he didn't have a decent case. Just then Sir Royston of Cropper interrupts (as politely as possible, of course!) to enquire if his business partner has thought anymore about the sale of the cafe, as "time is ticking away" and his dreams of classy cuisine are still abound. She is visibly far too pre- occupied with her husband's medical misfortunes to really care less and just tells Sir R to write his ideas down on paper for her to peruse in her own time... He agrees to do so and leaves the Platts alone again for them to morosely tell each other not to spend a lot of money on Christmas pressies for themselves since the kids happiness at this time of year is more important. Martin admits "It's just beginning to sink in how much we'll miss my overtime" and I wonder exactly how much overtime he must have been getting to plunge a reasonably well-off family like the Platts into this state of financial emergency in less than a week. Then again, I suppose being on call everytime *ANYONE* in Weatherfield is sick must mean a fair bit of extra pay... Ashley wanders into the cafe at this point, dressed in a butcher's overall, delivering pies and sausage rolls from Fred. Turns out that "the delivery lad has a bad belly" (too much of Fred's free steak, per chance?) so Prince Peacock is helping out. Handily enough, Judy Mallet is sitting at one of the tables and wants to have a word with him about this proposed "rescue mission" of his. She's concerned he might hurt himself since these cults sometimes have "guns" or they'll "set fire to the place" rather than let you snatch one of their members (!). He is still adamant, however, to carry out the plans to save his beloved from the clutches of the creepy ones and there's nothing Judeh can say to stop him!

Speaking of the Loonies (Christ, I really hoped this Nirab story had finally reached an end... talk about dragging the joke out for far too long!), we are now treated to a thoroughly *EXCREABLE* exchange of utterly horrible dialogue between Creepy Ben and Zoe in which he tells her (amongst other things that I'm sparing you from) that Shannon is waiting for her at the end of "her journey" and in order to reach this point (get ready to gag) "You must open yourself totally... Not just your mind... Everything!" (Talk about blatant!)... As he reaches to touch her and tells her that she's "ready" I suppose I ought to give the guy some credit for making my stomach churn... Mercifully we cut away as he tells her that tonight she will, errrrr, open herself for Nirab. *shudder*

Ashley and Gary meet up in the Rovers and they talk briefly about the raid. Gareh offers the loan of a van for the event before demanding to come with the young'uns and lend a hand... This is presumably because he realises Nick and Ashley would have great difficulty snatching candy from a baby let alone a 17 year old girl from the clutches of psychopaths....

END OF PART ONE
Some poor adverts, as ever. No less than *two* in one break feature a chap talking frankly about his new nicotine patch but thankfully, in amongst the usual dross, is a rather amusing advert for Meltus (?) cough syrup in which a bloke can't stop choking and knocking bits of the house down as he does it until his wife throws him the medicine. There's an excellent mechanical cat in this advert too, which can never be a bad thing. Unfortunately, there's always one to leave a bad taste in my mouth. An advert for oven chips in which one 6-year-old girl asks her equally young sister "Which do you prefer? Daddy or chips?" and, after much whispering of "Daddy... Chips... Daddy... Chips" and a taste of said potato-based grub, the child finally concludes that she definately prefers chips to daddy!!! Is it just me that finds this to be a horribly cynical little piece of 'marketing'? Probably... I'll get me coat, then. Back to the fun!

PART TWO
More stomach-churningly creepy sleaze from Ben now as he explains to Ruth that he's been telling Zoe about tonight and "the next step". Zoe asks if Ruth will be jealous but She of The Dangerous Eyebrows explains that because it's "Nirab's wish for you and Ben to come together" (!) she doesn't mind at all! The gullible newbie thinks this is all very "beautiful" (!) and falls hook, line and sinker for the nutters. "I want Shannon to have a baby brother or sister and I'm ready now" she chirps and the date for conception is confirmed as later tonight, after their group meeting.

Meanwhile in the Rovers, Deidre is sitting at a table, bemoaning the trauma of the Dobbs family to Ken and Alma when Janice Princess Warrior approaches to add her own resenting statements. It seems that Jackie and her misshapen son are hardly flavour of the month with anyone at the moment and it's decided that Drear will chuck them both out of the flat, as of tonight.

Blandford and Les stand at the bar, discussing the latter's injuries and of course the Bastardly Battersby is milking it to the maximum, claiming he can no longer move his shoulder without it hurting. To demonstrate this, he waves his arm in the air and says (foolishly) "I can't do this anymore, you see!" Greg woefully tells him not to try that in court. Sensing the Bland One's evident despondancy, Les asks what's wrong and it soon transpires that Greg Kelly Enterprises has gotten it's first proper purchase order but, since Sally has reclaimed all the fabric stock *and* revoked Loverboy's cashcard priveleges, he is unable to purchase the raw materials he needs to fulfil the sale. Les would help if only the banks would let him have his compensation money in advance (!) but Greg explains that this simply wouldn't work...

In an amusing little scene, Tyrone enthusiastically accosts Toyah (dressed in her school uniform) as she walks down Coronation Street proving once and for all that girls really *do* mature faster than boys:

Ty: "Heya blue eyes" ;) <--- [You know you're on the 'net too much when you add emoticons to quoted dialogue] Toyah: (Playing it cool) "You talking to me?" Ty: "What'd they teach you today then?" Toyah: "Wouldn't you like to know?" Ty: "I like biology, me. My favourite subject, biology. Hey, I tell you wot, I could 'elp you with your homework if you like!" Toyah: (Tiredly, in a world-weary kinda way) "I bet you could..." Ty: (Missing the sarcasm) "So what time should I come round then???" Toyah: "S'alright. It's history tonight. The Agraian Revolution." Ty: "Eh, what I don't know about that! Cor, I could write you a book about that!" Toyah: (Chirpily, as she enters her front door) "Yeah? Well, when you do, you can lend us a copy, ok? See ya!"

Tyrone looks confused, then utterly gutted as he realised that despite his delusions, the object of his affections has been quite blantantly taking him for a ride. Doh! :) (A great, well-timed exchange of dialogue, incidentally. I like this new kid! He plays a good dummy!) Over the road, at this point Sally and Kevin unload boxes of underwear from the van. She has sold a fair bit of it and thanks him again for all his help. One hopes that we aren't going to see ***another*** Yuletide Webster reconcilliation this year!

Outside the Rovers, a cerebral-looking Roy is surveying a "FOR SALE TO LET: GROUND FLOOR SHOP / RETAIL UNIT" sign pinned to a scaffolding across the road from the bus stop and the bookies... An idea seems to hatch in the Great One's mind as we cut to inside the pub where Ashley, Gary and The Camp Crusader, Nicky Tilsley, sit at a table and continue to plot this ludicrous "rescue mission". Ash scribbles a "plan" onto a beermat (!!), explains that the Foundation finish their meetings at 8:00pm and tells the lads that this would be the best time to strike. Whoopsie Boy informs us (with less emotion than a talking alarm clock) that, at the third stroke of his blonde locks, the time is now 7:30pm, so the bungling trio set off to save Zoe from the Wrath Of Ben as the camera cuts to Janice and Jackie standing at the bar. The latter is winding up the Warrior Princess about Les (who is resting at home) and offering, suggestively, to take round a "couple of cans", to cheer him up. Janice tells her where to stuff it and continues to gloat about how a little bird told her that Jackie might soon be out of a home...

Across at a nearby table, Sir Royston of Cropper and Lady Hayley of Patterson are sat drinking fruit juice. "Would you look at some of the food in here?" whispers Roy, adding "I mean, I wouldn't touch that lasagne with a barge pole!" and "Look at the price of that curry!" amongst other things. The two of them then swap enthusiasm about how the unit for rent over by the bus stop would be the perfect place for Roy to open the cafe of his dreams. Their (as ever) priceless exchange of dialogue reveals a previously unthought-of idea:

Lady H: "Would it be a caff or a cafe?"
Sir R: "Noo, more of a Bistro stroke Brasserie!"
Lady H: "Ooh, with tablecloths? What about candles?"
Sir R: "No no no, nothing pretensious. I want people to see what they're eating without all that... flickering!"
Lady H: "Licensed?"
Sir R: "Well, as you know, I have strong views about alcohol misuse but on the other hand I have strong views about serving the needs of the customer... Besides, I don't know how to go about getting a license. I mean we wouldn't be a restaurant exactly and we wouldn't be a wine bar..." *slips into deep thought*

The seed is planted!

The next scene shows Gary, Ashley and Nicky sat outside The Foundation in a dirty old camper van waiting to get a glimpse of Zoe. Unfortunately she's nowhere to be seen and all they can watch is a bunch of zombified kids loading tins of beans into a van (Special delivery for Sally Webster!? Is this where she gets it all from!?) so Ashley jumps to the conclusion that she's probably "tied up or drugged". He wants to go in, guns blazing (metaphorically of course) but Gary warns him that this would be stupid with the priceless line (I kid ye not!) "They might look harmless with those tins of beans, but trust me, they're not!" ROFL! You *have* to luv Ian Mercer for his utterly deadpan Drebin-esque delivery of such terrible lines. What a player!

Sir Royston, meanwhile, is buying two lemon drinks from Alec Gilroy at the bar who sarcastically remarks that Roy "really knows how to push the boat out" (funnily enough, Betty Williams said *exactly* the same line to our Valiant Hero a few weeks ago when he bought the Bombay Mix and Dandelion & Burdock!)... Sir R explains, helpfully, that it's not wise to drink too much alcohol when it's cold outside and then, naively trusting as ever, proceeds to ask Alec a few questions about what he would have to do to go about getting a liquour license. As soon as the reason behind the quizzing emerges (ie: Roy wants to open up a licensed cafe almost directly opposite the Rovers!), Alec clams up and gets mightily irate, rushing over to the other end of the bar to share his seething indignance with the mighty Fred Elliot. He doesn't get much sympathy however, since Fred proclaims "GOOD FOR HIM, I SAY, GOOD FOR HIM! IT'S 'BOUT TIME WE HAD DECENT PLACE TO EAT 'ROUND HERE!" and then continues to berate Betty's Hot Pot (HEATHEN!) by claiming "If it hadn't been for t'gristle, I'd've thought it were one o' those vegetarian dishes!" Alec ignores this rant, however, and begins to think up ways of getting shut of Sir Royston's plans, wondering aloud if Councillor Audreh will be able to aid him in his nefarious task.

Back outside the Foundation, Ashley is getting increasingly tense and wants to just storm the place, "Delta Force" stylee, but Gareh continues to disuade him from the idea and the Three Stooges stay parked in the grubby van.

Jackie Dobbs returns home to The Drear's Domain only to be told to "Sit down" because Deidre has "something to say". Unfortuantely, because Marg^H^H^HJackie has already been tipped off by Janice as to what this "something" might be, she pips Dreary to the post and tells her merrily that she's found a new place for her and Tyrone to live! She doesn't say exactly *where* this new place is, however. (Add two and two together at this point, readers...)

Fred approaches Gruesome Greg in the Rovers and asks where the rent he's due has gotten to. Blandford tells him that "the cheque is in the post" and the money owed will be paid off by the end of the week, to which our Loveable Landlord replies "Some folk 'round here say I'm just a big soft nelly, but I'm not! You've got 'til end of t'week or I'll set t'bailiffs on you!"... Greg nods and then goes across the room to *GASP* buy a drink for Mike Baldwin! What's his game, eh? Well, he's got a little deal to strike up. He's prepared to give this new purchase order (Which he claims is quite large) to Baldwin, as long as they split the profits between the two of them. Amazingly, the Lord of The Underworld says he'll consider it, as long as Greg isn't expecting anything like a straight 50/50 split... Hmm...

...And now we wrap up the show in a ridiculous fashion outside the Foundation. They're all but set to call it a night and go home. However, through some remarkable coincidence, Zoe has seen Ashley through her window (No, I'm not sure how either, since they were all stuck in a camper van) and has come downstairs to have a look for him... She's stopped in her tracks however by Creepy Ben, midway down the drive and the Three Stooges look on as he tells her the house is empty, thus it's time to plant the seed of Nirab, as it were (!). As he reaches out to touch her, the Stooges leap out of the van and the A-Team music strikes up in full effect! They knock Ben to the ground in the same way that a Furby might knock a Talking Dipsy Doll over and, as the Creepy one cowers on the floor crying "Don't hit me", Ash and Whoopsie Boy hoist Zoe into the back of the van!!! Gary stands above the Cry-Baby Cultist and says, menacingly, "Don't you ever go near her again"...

Credits roll.

All in all, despite the laughable final scene and still *much* left to improve on, this was far better than last week's episode. On the downside, we have this overlong Nirab Nonsense which is far beyond a joke now and has actually gone from being humourously tongue-in-cheek to unnervingly sick in parts. Of course, Greg and Sally are still cast members, which is a bit disappointing. The Battersby/Platt War is boring my pants off already and it's only just started (not a good sign)... But aside from those faults, we had some good stuff on offer this time round, IMHO. Ian Mercer deserves credit for giving convincing (and amusing) delivery to diabolical lines and managing to *almost* make us believe the remarkable character shift of Gary Mallett from all-round harmless good guy to Lee Marvin style action hero. Tyrone Dobbs is providing some slight amusement and is, if nothing else, quite humourously played by the young Alan Halsall. Obviously, Sir Royston is always a treat ("Cropper Street" anyone? Yes please! ;)) and let's hope Gail doesn't slam the kibosh on his cafe plans, as this could be a goodie! It's nice to see him *finally* trying to put one of his best assets (ie: his cooking skills) to decent use and show everyone what he's capable of! Oh, and brief as it may have been, it was a treat seeing Toyah back on screen in full force. :)

So all in all, getting better. Stay tuned and keep watching the skies. 'Til next time!

This Monday Update was sponsored by Iced Earth (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking)

The Rattler


Wednesday 16 December

Hello, I'm afraid it's me, Rosalind, again. Out of sequence this week because I'm standing in for Ruthie, on account of her end of term pressures of work.

Well, we all have end-of-term pressures, and I do sympathise. Here it's all the civic business to be squeezed in before Christmas to keep within statutory deadlines. And, of course, the rush of relevant proposed legislation from the Queen's Speech. Monday of this week, for example, saw me up at an unearthly hour to represent the Bristol Social Services Committee at the Local Government Association's briefing on the recent Social Services White Paper. An opportunity to hear the Minister and grill him. I managed to get my question to the Minister in. Others were concerned with the complexity of regionalised inspection and funding, but I was on my pet subject of young people in care - are we going to stop institutionalising them, and recognise that vulnerable young people are not a problem to be swept under the carpet, but in need of love and care. Which is interesting, because that is very much a theme of the episode in hand. On top of this, I have my papers for next Monday's meeting of the Lay Review Panel (the Tyrones) and the Community Homes Committee (the young Zoes). The papers for the Lay Review are often harrowing, we have to deal with often gruesome family histories of the young person in question. And though we aren't supposed to take a personal interest in the residents of the homes, we do get a disturbing picture of the way things work in the homes, and the devastating effect it has on young people like Zoe - I'd hesitate to write off anything that they may do in later life as unrealistic.

Anyway, after noting the sponsorship by Cadbury's Roses, accompanied by my favourite amongst the chocolate vignettes - the cat chasing a pigeon among the chimney tops, let's begin with the aforesaid Zoe running down the stairs at home, with Ashley in pursuit.

She is agitated as he grabs her by the shoulder, apparently to stop her leaving by the front door. "What did you think I was going to do now," she protests, "cook breakfast for you? Do the ironing?". Asserting his authority - we'll see him trying to do a lot of this - Ashley interposes himself between Zoe and the door, thwarting her. Resigned, she sits with arms folded. We learn from her, near-hysterically and disturbingly, that after her abduction from Planet Nirab the previous night she'd been dragged home in Gary's van and locked in her room all night. She is a tightly-coiled spring this morning. "You've gone right over the top this time Ashley," she accuses, "You're warped!". Ashley thinks that if he's warped, then she should take a good look at her friends. "Yeah, well," she ripostes, "I have, and they don't go round kidnapping people." Ashley tries to persuade her that that's exactly what they do do, except that she doesn't realise it. "Well, maybe they are, but it's not against my will". Ashley once again tries to assert authority, though he's sowing the seeds of his own destruction, as we shall see presently. "But it's against mine!". What he's doing is all for her sake, she'll realise one day. But Ashley is showing himself behaving like a possessive mother. "When you start behaving like an adult, that's when I'll treat you like one. And Zoe's mindset is slowly being revealed. the Foundation, unlike Ashley, didn't treat her like a child, they appreciated what she's got to offer. Ay, there's the rub. Oh, but jealously protective Ashley jumps on that - Ben can see what she's got to offer. But, says Zoe, that's typical, he can't see past the sex. "Take a look in the mirror," she remarks with uncharacteristic wisdom, "You're just a spoilt kid that's had his toy taken away from him and doesn't like it".

Perhaps Ashley isn't being like an overprotective mother. Zoe has never really known a mother. Perhaps what is grating on her is that he is acting like the residential social workers in her children's homes, he's certainly being more and more autocratic towards her. Unlike parents, however, social workers are bound by rules and regulations and procedures that must be adhered to. These rules and regulations and procedures are to protect the worker, but must inevitably inhibit the relationship with the child, who is often disturbed and lacking in love anyway. Let me offer a glimpse into the real-life world of children's homes, where events happen every day that would be dismissed as unrealistic if they appeared in a soap. From a report to the Community Homes Committee...

"One incident where ******* (15) was restrained, following threatening behaviour to a staff member. There is some concern about the nature of the restraint. The staff member concerned will not be working during the investigation.

Well, it's an impossible job, one that I couldn't do and I admire immensely those who take it on and succeed.

And nurses, too, are bound by strict rules and procedures, a fact which Martin is brooding on as he rubs his neck - or is it Gail standing behind him, giving him a neck massage? "It's stupid!" says Martin. "Malicious!" corrects Gail. "Les Battersby is a conniving con-artist". But that's not what Martin meant, he's the one who's stupid, he should have realised why the rules were there. "Rules are a pain in the neck," he says, instinctively rubbing his neck some more. "Rules are a waste of time, rules are there to be broken. But we forget the rules are there for us as well - if I'd followed the rules, this would never have happened". It's a real conundrum, as Gail suggests, if he'd followed the rules, a patient might have died. Because he didn't, another patient very nearly did. It might have been entirely Les's fault, but Martin doesn't feel this would come out at the inquiry. It's a simple question - did he follow the procedure. Answer: No! A concerned Gail takes her coat off, offering to stay with Martin rather than go to the cafe. But he declines her offer - she'll go to work, he'll go to the hospital to find out if there's any news. "You never know, they might decide to drop it all. Huh! Fat Chance!"

Ashley picks up the ringing phone, and brusquely tells the caller "No she's not!". But she is - Zoe snatches the receiver off him. "Hello? Hiya Ben!" Ashley glares at her as he listens to her side of the conversation. Tonight?... Yes, that's brilliant... See you later!" As she hangs up she folds her arms defiantly and turns away from Ashley, who demands "What do you mean? See you later?" Silence. Increasingly the impatient parent of a naughty child, he repeats "I said, what do you mean?" "Ben's coming over tonight", she replies, with new-found confidence. "Oh no he isn't!" "Ashley, don't be a pillock, you can't keep me a prisoner all my life". Ben is picking her up tonight, they're going away. Ashley remonstrates that Ben is driving a wedge between them. It's pantomime season - "Oh no he hasn't!" says Zoe. "Oh yes he has!" says Ashley. "No," says Zoe, and starts to astonish Ashley, "because there was nowt there to start with". He can't believe he's hearing this, but she's starting to get the upper hand now. She tells him she knows it makes her sound like a hard-faced cow, but they never had anything. He took pity on her, that's all. No, protests Ashley, he loved her, and he loved Shannon. "We all loved Shannon" she says, wistfully, as if the household were an extension of her children's home core group, which, of course, for her it is. Ashley spots Zoe's vulnerability on this subject - this is what it's all about, a baby. But, says Ashley, we can have a baby. But Zoe doesn't want to talk about it, she's going away. And the axe falls - where she's going is America.

On the subject of children damaged by their upbringing, Tyrone and Jackie are packed and ready to leave Deirdre's flat. Deirdre can hardly get over the fact that they're going, and her nightmare will soon, she thinks, be over. She worries whether they will be OK but Jackie is ready as ever with some dubious reassurance, and torments Deirdre with a reminder of how she duped Deirdre about the heated swimming pool and jacuzzi in the prison. This makes Deirdre very uncomfortable, especially when Jackie nudges Tyrone about it. Those were the days!" she says, rubbing Deirdre's nose right in the dirt. "Yer made some good mates in prison, didn't yer!". Deirdre is not, apparently, anxious to detain them, but Jackie likes talking about old times - Deirdre frostily tells her that she prefers talking about new times. But she does hope they'll be all right - "Christmas in some little bedsit?" Jackie has to watch her step here for fear of giving away her real plans. She invites herself back for Christmas dinner, an invitation which Deirdre hastily declines. "It's been lovely, but, ermmmmm..... I'm going away!" she improvises. And starts getting nosey - where is this bedsit anyway? Jackie is grasping for a story. "Oh, it's not far!". In an attempt to buy them off, Deirdre then attempts a major sacrifice; from the drinks cabinet she produces a bottle of champagne, which she gives to Jackie.

"Say thank you to Auntie Deirdre" says Jackie, patronisingly, to Tyrone.

Tyrone mumbles thanks.

"Give Auntie Deirdre a big kiss!" says Jackie, patronisingly, to Tyrone.

Tyrone looks disgusted, as does Deirdre; this is an offer she can easily refuse.

"Oh no, you've got to bring 'em up proper!" says Jackie, "Say 'thank you, Auntie Deirdre'"

"Naff off!" mumbles Tyrone, gallantly.

"Now you must be nice because you might be popping back to Auntie Deirdre's for your dinner now and then.

Deirdre can only respond with a look of horror. Taking their bags, they finally leave Deirdre's flat.

In the cafe we find another one damaged by an overprotective parent. Roy is anxious that Gail hasn't forgotten he has a carol-singing rehearsal that afternoon. No, she hasn't forgotten, says Gail, waspishly, but she does have other things on her mind. Mainly, one assumes, Martin, who at this moment enters the cafe. No, he has no news from the hospital. "If they know anything, they're keeping it close to their chests. the manager he saw was too embarrassed to talk to me".

In bounces irrepressible Hayley, in a state of considerable excitement. "I've got 'em!" she cries, beaming. Got what, we, and Roy, wonder. It's the carol sheets, which she pulls from her handbag. Mike has kindly allowed her to photocopy them on the factory copier in exchange for two hours unpaid overtime. Which sounds to me like a rip-off whichever way you look at it, but Hayley is *so* innocent. (And has anybody told the Performing Rights Society?). All Hayley's favourites are there. "Oh Roy!" she sighs passionately. What's Roy's favourite carol. He looks nervously as he tries to think - he's got to impress, with his feeling that Hayley can do everything better than him. Apparently he's partial to "A-wassailing over the heather we gang", which I've never heard of and neither, apparently. So, he chants it in a dull monotone, prompting Hayley to ask, impishly, "Has it not got a tune?" Of course, he doesn't know, because there was only the, er, words, you see, not the music. "Oh Roy!" says Hayley, turning away so he can't see her sniggering. Roy quickly changes the subject - it's going to be their first Christmas together. He'd never he'd have Christmas with somebody he loved, that is, apart from his Mum. And his Auntie Eileen. And that was years ago! "And I just want you to know that...," pausing as he grasps for the right words, "even though we've not had it yet... I'll never forget it... I mean when we've had it... like, when it's over... I'll always remember it. Our first Christmas!" How terribly, terribly Roy! Lovely!

Ashley is not letting go. He knows Zoe thinks they're not getting on, but he insists that they are. "Stop it!" she screams at him. She's not making a mistake, she insists, determinedly, she's doing what's best for her. And, she adds, what's best for him. And here it all comes, in a torrent. She's not the one for Ashley, she insists, he wants someone nice who appreciates him. He's wasted on her, Zoe, she's not good enough for him. "You are! Don't run yourself down!" says Ashley, in desperation. Zoe collects herself, and sits beside him. Now cool, and rational, she begins to patiently drop her bombshell.

"We're not suited, but Ashley, it's not me, it's you!" She pauses while he takes this in. "Ashley - you're a lovely bloke, you're good, kind, caring, considerate. You're everything a woman finds boring". She's got devils inside her screaming to get out, she wants to do mad things, exciting things, dangerous things. "Inside you," she tells him, "there's this little old lady going 'ooooh can you shut the door please!'". Ashley is dumbstruck. "Like I said, you come on more like a mum than a boyfriend. But you'll meet other girls - girls who'll love you for your kindness but who'll look elsewhere for excitement... You've got to change - or you'll go through life having your heart broken - just like I'm doing now. Get a life!" And she offers to make some tea, as a tearful Ashley just looks devastated. And we know that, deep in his heart, he realises that Zoe is right.

I N T E R M I S S I O N

In the Rovers it's time for the annual inspection for the Good Beer Guide, as we can see a man in CAMRA uniform of colourful pullover and beard in the background, supping a pint. Alec affects surprise at bumping into Audrey. "Oh Audrey,", he fawns, "How lovely to see you!". Glancing at her cleavage "My word, is that blouse new? Really Audrey, the way you've managed to maintain your position at the cutting edge of haute couture!"

- "What do you want Alec?" asks Audrey, suspiciously.

He'll buy her a drink, on the house of course. So, he really *does* want a favour. We glimpse Gail and Sally in deep conversation at a table. "What's up with them two?" asks Alec, "if they don't cheer up soon I'm going to have to move them on - they're seriously affecting the ambience.

Sally is trying to reassure Gail. "Martin's too good a man to suffer" she tells her. Gail turns the topic round to Sally, and what she, and the girls, will be doing for Christmas. "What's Kevin said?" Not much, apparently. "Well, surely he's going to arrange something for you and the girls?" Gail is quite sure Sally will be home for Christmas, Sally isn't so sure. "Wonderful for the girls. But me and Kevin..." "Oh," says Gail, Christmas spirit, families, fires... Kevin'll love it." Well, yes, one suspects it would be a fiery Christmas chez Webster.

Alec is back behind the bar, the worse for wear. What would Audrey think of another hostelry in the area? Audrey, to Alec's unconcealed chagrin, thinks it would be a good idea. Well, she was never the soul of tact. "Competition, Alec! Keep you on your toes! Bring the prices down!". No, Audrey, I'm afraid that wasn't the right answer. Sorry Audrey. Alec leans over the bar confidentially. "supposing 'mine host' of said establishment was one Roy Cropper...". Ah well, that's different. No, Audrey doesn't think that would be too clever - anyway Roy's got the caff, hasn't he. But Alec becomes even more confiding, with a tilt of the head and a wink. "Moving!" he whispers. Well, Audrey is staggered - Gail hasn't told her Mum! Delinquent children! How does Alec know anyway? Because Roy had the brass neck to ask Alec for advice, that's how. And, the cheek of it, he wants a drinks licence! And now Alec wants Councillor Mrs Roberts to play her part. Audrey's eyes light up. "Do you want me to perform the opening ceremony?" she asks, hopefully. Doh! No, what Alec wants is some strategic input to the appropriate committee. Which is silly of Alec as a licensee, because he really ought to know that drinks licences are granted by magistrates, not the local authority. And Audrey, so far as I am aware, is not a magistrate. (Though I think Alf is, isn't he?) Perhaps he's referring to planning permission, though if the new premises already have A3 permission there's nothing even Audrey can do. Sorry, got carried away with my planning hat on. Audrey, however, thinks she can do something, because she gives Alec a knowing wink.

Jackie is pleased with Curly's house, as Tyrone struggles through with the bags, sulkily. "I don't really have to go to me Auntie Dreary's [sic] for me tea, do I? he asks. But from now on, she tells him, they'll have their tea in their own place.

The man from CAMRA is still in the Rovers, as Roy bursts in, anxious again that Gail hasn't forgotten his carol rehearsal, as he's left the cafe in Toyah's hands. Irritated, Gail gets up to leave but is intercepted by Audrey. "Not now Mum!" she protests, "I'm late for the cafe". But Audrey wants to know all about the new venture. "Oh, it is still open then?" she asks. Puzzled, Gail replies "Yes of course - but not for much longer if I leave Toyah in charge. Gail of course knows nothing about any new premises and gets even more irritated and waspish. She's not impressed. Cut to the villain, Roy, to whom Hayley is bearing drinks. "I'm not normally a believer in Dutch courage," insists Roy, stiffly, "but I have found that a small sweet sherry can steady my nerves". Apparently he has misgivings about the singing. Hayley begs him to stop worrying. But "Well, it's all right for you, voice like an angel and looks to match". But he, Roy, well, "when they asked if he could hold a tune, he thought it meant he was in charge of the cough sweets". Nice one.

Gail emphatically assures Audrey that they're not moving. And with a fierce glare at Roy, intimates that she'll drum it into him so that he's under no illusions that they are...

Zoe ushers the hugely pregnant Judy into the living room. A hugely pregnant Judy is just what Zoe doesn't want to see. "Can I sit down?" asks Judy. "Yeah - if you're sure you think you can get back up again". Zoe is adamant that she's going, despite Judy's pressure. She knows her own mind. "Zoe," says Judy, "you're running away from reality". But Zoe is ready for this. "yeah - but what's reality ever done for me? Reality put me in a children's home, it killed my baby"

"Those peop... Your friends, they talk a load of rubbish"

"Like my social workers"

"They'll let you down"

"Like my social workers"

As Judy pesters Zoe to stay ever more insistently, Zoe stands and starts humming her mantra, a technique obviously designed to shut out external distractions. This scares Judy, who snaps at her. But Zoe has got plenty of fight yet. Yes, it's all coming clear, how the Foundation fit in with her background. Zoe has never had a family, she's always lived in groups, only the people in this group love her. She points out that Judy had Shannon christened, that's another form of belief. She, Zoe, believes she'll see Shannon again - she needs that belief to cling to.

"What about Ashley? Doesn't he deserve something?"

"Yes, he does. Someone better than me". And tenderly, "Look after him for me".

Tyrone is once again slouched on Curly's sofa clutching the TV remote control, as Jackie dances in singing. "Another day, another dollar, another four pairs of knickers" she sings, as she pulls from her coat pockets four pairs of ill-gotten Underworld knickers (that's panties for our North American readers by the way, just in case there's any confusion). Tyrone doesn't see the point of all these knickers, though perhaps Jackie is thinking of setting herself up in competition with Sally on the market. "Go and make your mother a nice cup of tea babe!" the point, apparently, is "keeping your hand in and earning an honest few bob". Haha! She complains that Tyrone hasn't even unpacked, but he protests that none of the bags are his and one is just full of knickers. he hasn't got much. What happened to the shopping list she gave him when he went into care? Jackie wants to know. What's the point of going into care if you don't get given a new wardrobe by Social Services? (In Bristol they get given a modest clothing allowance, I don't know what Weatherfield's policy is). Jackie, opening in the fridge, finds two cans of beer - cans which Marcus obviously missed last week when he couldn't find any beer at all! And tells Tyrone to go check the fella's clobber.

Out in the Street the carol singers, including Roy and Hayley, are singing "Silent Night". Hayley sings sweetly, Roy exaggeratedly badly. Alma appears, looks approvingly at Hayley, then distastefully at Roy, before moving on. A collector knocks at a door. Emily emerges, primly bearing a tray of mince pies and glasses, just at the moment when Les Battersby is passing by. Les helps himself to two mince pies, to Emily's consternation. "Cheers Emily!" he says, "and an 'appy Christmas to you too!". Then he turns to Roy. "Hey Roy, do us a favour, change yer underpants will yer? They're obviously too small". He then picks up a glass and drains it, before going on his way. Hayley nudges Roy, perhaps he'd be better collecting, she suggests.

Tyrone has checked out Curly's wardrobe and is pleased with himself, modelling Curly's black leather jacket which, you will recall, Curly bought when, like Ashley, he was accused of being boring. "This guy must have been a right perv!". Jackie has a giggling fit, but is pulled up short as Alma comes in, looking somewhat gobsmacked. "What are you doing here? asks Alma. "What are *you* doing here?" asks Jackie. They are lodgers, which is news to Alma, who has been charged with looking after Curly's house. Jackie spins a yarn. She can't be looking after it very well, leaving the window open like that - anybody could have got in! This is trying Alma's patience. "That's it - get out, the pair of you!.

"No way, baby doll!" exclaims Jackie insolently.

Alma loses her temper. That's it, she's calling the police. Jackie pushes her towards the door. "Well, you do that love, but you do it outside. And wish them a merry Christmas from Jackie Dobbs". And to address their Christmas card to number 7 Coronation Street, because that's where they live, they're squatters and they have rights. And after Alma has been pushed through the door, mother and son go through a hand-slapping ritual. "Now, where's that champagne, of Auntie D?".

Well, I don't know about you, but I think it's been pretty good so far. But pay attention, because we're almost there and what follows is nothing short of masterful.

Leanne, Janice and Nick are propping up the bar of the Rovers as Les enters, chilled. "Thank goodness for Christian Charity!" says Les. "I say, them warm mince pies went down a treat". The first thing Les is going to do when he gets his compo, he declares loudly, is buy Roy some singing lessons. "That man's got a voice that could curdle paint!". Janice cynically points out that he, Les, is not exactly Tom Jones. She has already noticed how quickly Les is getting through his compo and he hasn't got it yet. But there's plenty to go round, he brags to Leanne. "Hey sweetheart, what can I get you? Just name it."

Cut to Gail and Martin who, unobserved by the Battersbys, are seated just along the crowded bar, hearing every word.

"A dishwasher would be nice", continues Les, responding to Leanne's suggestion. "No, we'll have two.

Cut back to Gail and Martin, the former stonily stern, the latter taking off his jacket.

Janice observes that there's no stopping Les now. "And," says Les, "why should there be? That pillock that nearly killed me, he's going to be our ticket to health and prosperity. If he was here now, I'd buy him a pint.

Cut to Martin, who introduces himself. "Yeah - I'd throw it in your face!". Leanne, poor dear, looks as if she wishes she were a very, very long way off.

Les is feeling truculent. "Talk of the... The nurse from Hell! Thanks to you, I'll be getting my just desserts".

"And if I lose my job?" says Martin, looking away.

"You'll get yours".

At which point, Martin springs at Les, fists flying, and pushes him to the floor. In the ensuing melee, Nick pulls Martin off, "He's not worth it!". Les glares at Martin from the floor. Martin mutters "Just desserts!" as he glares back, then turns to walk smartly out of the door.

In the Street, the carol singers are singing "God rest ye merry, gentlemen". Roy is no longer singing, he has his songsheet under his arm and awkwardly holds a bucket. Hayley is warbling away, having a whale of a time. They look in consternation, with out breaking the singing, as Martin and Gail appear from behind them, trying to look calm, while Les, Janice and Nick dog their steps. "You want locking up, you do!" shouts Les, and Martin snaps, turns on Les and pushes him. Les retaliates. Nick pulls Martin off. Janice leads Les away, glowering angrily over his shoulder. And the singers don't miss a note of "God rest ye merry".

We pan across the singers to where a distinctive cream-and-brown Deux-Chevaux is waiting. We see Leanne running across from the Rovers. A second or so later, at the words "Glad tidings of comfort and joy", a sad and uncomfortable Ashley and a joyless Zoe appear from the other direction. "Zoe, what are you doing?" asks Leanne. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going"

"Where?"

Ben looms silently, and fatherly, behind Zoe's shoulder.

"Wi' Ben. For good".

Leanne looks quizzically at Ashley, who slowly and sadly nods. He's defeated.

Leanne hugs Zoe tightly, sobs can be heard.

Cut to Gary and Judy, crossing the street towards them, as the singers start on "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed" - nice one for pregnant Judy.

Leanne, still hugging Zoe, looks pained at Gary and Judy. Ashley nods sadly at them too, as they look baffled.

Zoe, crying, crosses to Judy, they hug as Ashley looks on grimly. Then she hugs Gary.

Zoe returns to face Ashley. They look intently at each other, then Ashley hugs her too, as her tearful face appears over his shoulder.

And with that, she silently gets into the car, and they drive off. Just as the line "Bless all the dear children in thy tender care" seems to hang in the air.

Leanne is crying.

Nick is crying.

And Ashley, too, is crying. From his pocket he produces a framed photograph of Zoe and Shannon, and fingers it sadly, as...

Tears roll down Rosalind's cheeks.

And also...

The credits roll.

There now. Wasn't that smashing?

I loved it. This episode had the lot, profound social concerns, the right measure of humour with some splendid throwaway lines, a bit of action. It was also very well structured, starting slowly and working up to a quite magnificent climax. Some episodes clearly mark time, just advancing storylines, but this one was a self-contained playlet in it's own right.

And as for Joanne Froggatt, I never though she had it in it. I've never warmed either to the character or the actress, but here she blossomed, she gets my bouquet for the star performance of the week and now I'm thinking it's such a pity it looks like her last appearance.

A big round of applause for scriptwriter Peter Mills.

Until the next time,

Love Peace and Happiness, Rosalind


Friday 18 December

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update.... Well, as I type this out on Saturday night, I recall that this time last week, there we were in a Manchester pub, having our Christmas Shop-Ping and dinner, in the company of none other than Julie Hesmondhalgh, aka the delightful Hayley in The Street. Annie has already written up a comprehensive report on the ping and there is not a lot more for me to add, except to say, what a great weekend we had in some lovely company and what a lovely lady Julie is - she entertained us with anecdotes regarding the Street and her working relationship with David Neilson, who plays Roy Cropper. She is a very caring and genuine person - a good Northern lass, feet firmly on the ground, with a love of and interest in her fellow traveller on this planet. A real gem!! Julie, you're a star!!! Thanks for coming along to the Ping and making it a very special one for us.

Here we are the last weekend before Christmas. The activities associated with the festive season go into overdrive. Trude finished work yesterday for the Christmas holidays, so it was the usual round of kids parties during the week, plus the staff dos. She changes jobs in the new year, so it was leaving time, after 6 years in her current role and 4 terms with her present schools. Her unintended present from the kids on leaving, was the grotty cold virus doing the rounds in both schools, so she has spent the last 24 hours or so largely tucked up in bed, going through Vitamin C drinks like there was no tomorrow. We are off on Monday to see Rod Stewart live, so hopefully, she should be much better by then.

Christmas seems to be a time of year to reflect back on previous Christmases. This weekend in 1981, I was hauled to my bosses office to be given notice of redundancy following a tricky time that my then employer was experiencing. So I was saddened to hear from a dear friend this week, that, potentially she faces a similar fate, following a change of policy in her field. The key issue here is control, not in some megalomaniac sense, rather the context of feeling you are the master of your destiny. We never really are, of course, as one day, you can be doing a job well and all of a sudden, your world can be turned upside down by something totally beyond your influence. Most of us spend our lives in a relatively comfortably groove and it tends to be traumatic events such as redundancy, which force us out of that position and maybe get us looking at alternatives, hitherto unconsidered. It's been a similar year for me too, as I have faced up to the view at the crossroads. So, dear friend, smile, decide what it is that you want from life and your career and act accordingly - potential redundancy does not make you any less of a person and does not minimise your achievements. In other words, take control and move forward. Good fortune :)!

The episode commences at Ashley's. It's the morning after, but there is no cause for celebration, or even a "morning after" pill. You will recall that Scruffy Spice (aka Zoe) had well and truly dumped RAshley. Even calling in the SAS in form of Gareh and Plank and abducting her back from the Aliens was to no avail. She had made her mind up that her mission in life was to lie back and procreate for Nirab - all in the cause of meeting up again with her bebeh, Shannon, in the after life. So there he is, contemplating life AZ (after Zoe) with Leanne. She tells him she thinks he was really brave letting her go, last night. Ashley recognises that he never really had much of a choice, there was no point. Zoe had let him know what she really thought of him, according to her, they never had anything anyway, he was more like a mother than a boyfriend. What's more, Zoe had told Ashley he was boring. "The little cow, after everything you've done for her" exclaims Leanne. "I think that was her point, I'm too pleasant" says Ashley. "Is it right that girls like their men strong?" he asks her, "am I too soft, like an old woman." She replies "of course you're not" but the tone of her voice and the glazed look in her eyes give the game away. Zoe's words have struck home and today is the first day of the new Ashley, he tells her.

We are in Roy's Rolls and one half of our favourite couple is about to go to work. As she does so, Hayley notices a rather glum looking Roy pondering on his wheatie flakes. She remarks how he was unhappy all night, he had hardly touched his malted milk drink - she cannot go to work when he's like this. Awwwww!! The plea for him to cheer up doesn't really work and that won't do for our determined lass, that's not her Roy, 'tis the season to make merry. Ah well, he owns up, it is if you have the resources - poor lad, he is still smarting from last night, as well. Only, in this case, it was the quality of his carol singing which caused problems - the sound of his voice making merry made everyone else miserable (and ended up with him being posted on money monitor duty). "Nonsense, not everybody" replies the Red Anoraked one. "I love your voice!" she tells him. Modest as ever, he is surprised. She thinks it's "very..... very sexy!". He is even more surprised, but secretly chuffed to mintballs. It put her in mind "of them French singers, you know, like, Charles Aznavour, people like that." Awwwww!!! And she means it too!!! What a sweetie!!! Roy confides that he has been accused of singing off-key but Hayley says that's how they do it on the Continent "sort of husky and slightly adrift of the main melody." Out comes the notepad, as he writes down the name "Charles, what's his name again?" She tells him and he asks whether she has any of his long-players. Unfortunately not, so he decides a wander down to the library later on might be in order, to see if they've got any. Here attempts at building up his confidence have worked too well, because he wonders whether he ought to have another bash at the singing lark and join the main body of the choir. Hastily, she manages to persuade him that it wouldn't be a good idea - she thinks he makes a far better collector, because he's "very appealing." "Appealing and sexy!" he remarks, maybe it does make sense to play to your strengths. "That's the spirit" replies Hayley as she plants him a kiss and leaves for work. What a duo!! Absolute magic.

As she does so, Gail rushes in to start the day's work. "Bonjour, Gail" is Roy's greeting. "Don't bonjour me" replies Crabby Spice, "What's this about moving and how come you haven't you told me?", she asks. "Ah, the offer from the man at the bike shop" he replies. She tells him she has learned of the move from her mother and expresses surprise that he hasn't told her. He points out that he has tried to talk to her. "And what's this about a drinks licence?" she continues. He tells her that he felt it important that his feasibility study should embrace all aspects of the catering spectrum. ("Eh?" thinks Gail "wassat when it's at home?") He has included a cost-benefit analysis for a mobile service, should they wish to explore that. "So we're not opening a wine bar?" asks Crabby. Roy explains that this is just one of the options explored, personally, he prefers the café style - you know, stick to your strengths, he tells her. She must read the report soon, though, as the man at the bike shop wants a decision soon. She agrees. As an aside, he asks her whether she has heard of a Charles Aznavoir. "The man who owns the bike shop?" asks Gail. "Does he?" replies Roy, totally missing the point!!! LOL!!

The action moves to Curly's place, where we hear Scouse Slagette, Jackie Dobbs calling her slob - sorry, teenage - son, Tyrone, to tell him she's off to work. He is not to let anyone in and while he's at it, he is to go down to the shops, and get some milk, some tea and some crisps for your lunch. When he holds his hand out for money, he is told to improvise - ooh, that's what they call shoplifting, do they? Oh, and he is to clean the place and make it nice and tidy. When he protests that it isn't even their house, so why can't the geezer that lives here do it when he gets back? "Because we don't know when he's coming back, divvie!" is her reply. Anyway, she continues, they might not let him back in, as possession is nine-tenths of the law. This is their house now. so, he is not to let anyone in, "not without a warrant."

Coming out of the house, she meets Deirdre in the street on her way to work. Our Dee is somewhat surprised to see her coming out of Curly's place. Slagette tells Deirdre that it's their house, they live here now. When Deirdre protests that she cannot live there, as Curly lives there. It's pretty obvious from the conversation which follows that Jackie doesn't know the lad, which prompts Deirdre to ask how can she be living there. "Has he given you permission?" she asks. "No, of course not, he's not there is her?" replies Slagette. Doh!! Of course!! Jackie explains how, following the classes in prison, she is doing her civic responsibility bit, rehabilitating herself, she took it to heart. As soon as she heard about Baldy's house - "Curly's", corrects Deirdre - she thought that an empty house, it might be at risk from squatters, so she decided to move in and look after it!!! LOL!!! So her and Tyrone are unpaid security guards, she tells Deirdre. To say Dee looks gobsmacked at this brass faced cheek is an understatement, as Jackie takes her leave, because she is going to be late for work.

Kevin comes across Deirdre, who is clearly disconcerted at the turn of events. As she goes to work, Martin comes along. Kevin comments on how Martin is front page news in the papers. "Nurse duffs up patients. The battering of a Battersby" alliterates Kevin. He is clearly amused by the story, but those are not Martin's feelings. He is pretty tetchy and irritable. Kevin's assurances that nobody will believe Les Battersby cut no ice with Martin - he is suspended from work, with disciplinary proceedings hanging over him, this is not going to be a pleasant Christmas. Anyway, that's enough of his problems, "what about you?" asks Martin. He tells Kevin that Sally had given Gail the distinct impression that Christmas was going to be a time for all of them. Kevin looks unimpressed by this.

Back at Ashley's, Leanne has come in for her lunch. Nick has been studying Nutrition at college and prepared a salad, cos it's good for you. Protesting that it's cold outside, she replies, "No Nick, chocolate's good for you, burgers are good for you, this is just going to freeze my insides out." (I ponder on the fact that in the last 24 hours, I have practically single handedly devoured a whole "Cadbury's Roses" box given to my wife as a leaving present from someone at her old school.) As she goes to put some soup on (yep, I had two bowls of soup, as well - I mean, Trude's gone to bed early with her cold and you can't leave half a can of the stuff can you?), she tells Nick how fed up Ashley has been following Zoe's departure and how he was talking about toughening himself up. Jokingly, she suggests he might get some tips off Martin and how she was surprised Les hadn't hit Martin, the other night - this hits a raw nerve with Nick, who makes a jibe about there being nothing wrong with Les and getting to the truth of the matter. When Leanne gets uppity about Nick calling Les a liar, Nick tells her that he doesn't need to say he is one, as everyone knows already knows that. Under normal circumstances, he might laugh at this latest shabby scam of Les', but what kind of Christmas are Gail and the kids going to have, he asks. Leanne retorts that maybe Martin should have taken more care of Les, but this prompts Nick to mutter under his breath that he should have finished Les off.

Kevin bumps into Sally as she comes out of the factory. He tells her he has heard she has been discussing with Gail, about the possibility of her coming across to his place for Christmas. She looks embarrassed, but Kevin appears to reassure her by suggesting she comes across tonight and they can discuss it. She looks quite heartened by this move of Kevin's. She agrees to pop over after the kids have gone to bed.

Still out in the street, Les is just hobbling into a taxi, when Janice accosts him. He is off to the doctor's, he tells her, to one who specialises in medical mistakes.

We see Tyrone coming out of Curly's. As he does so, Toyah has come home and is opening the door to her house, next door. Ty tries his own line of chat up, but to no avail, "Bog off" being her response. "You can't talk to me like that, not now I'm your neighbour" he explains. Toyah is puzzled by this statement. He tells her he liked the CD she was playing last night in her room "'All Saints', shame your mam told you to turn it off, what time was that? A quarter to eleven.... Just think, there's only six inches between me and you." He winks at her. We see one worried and disconcerted Toyah!

At Underworld, Greg has popped in to see Mike. We hear one of those awkward starts to a conversation. Greg asks how is Mike, Mike, smiling, says he's alright. Greg asks how are things, Mike, grinning even more, replies fine, couldn't be better. "And the deal, how did it go?" asks Greg, finally getting to the point. Mike chortles "that's sorted." Greg "Brilliant. Just what I need, a Christmas bonus." Mike "Oh, someone giving you a Christmas bonus, are they?" Greg "Well, we did agree the terms. I secure the contract, you get the sale, I get the introduction fee." Mike, incredulously "We agreed that?" Greg "You know we did." Mike, shaking his head "I don't know. My memory. It's my age..... I'll give you a tip on fitness training. On yer bike." LOL!! Ever felt shafted, Greg?

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences back at the café. Alma is face to face with a gobsmacked Spider, whose sole repertoire seems to be limited to "Wow" and "well, well". She has just told him about Scouse Slagette squatting at Curly's place. She was hoping for some action and recommendations as to what to do, with him being more well informed on the matter. He's not sure what his position is on the matter, this is very serious. He is torn in his allegiances, "it's difficult", he tells her, "in principle, squatting is a legitimate means of drawing attention to the lack of affordable housing in this country." It's also Curly's house we are talking about here and he's clearly not sure how to resolve that conflict in his mind, as it has never arisen before. None of his mates have ever had houses, till Curly. "Well, now you're moving through the social classes, you had better decide where you stand" points out Alma. He has the answer. He is going to go round there and tell them he shares solidarity and then ask them to respect Curly's space.

The camera pans to Roy and Hayley in another wonderful little piece of dialogue.

Roy "Well, how big?"
Hayley "Big."
R "Are you sure?"
H "Oh yeah, size is important, you know."
R "Is it?"
H "Yeah."
R "Well, I've always managed with quite a small one up till now."
H "And I bet it were artificial?"
R "It was!!!"
H "Yeah well. Now you've met me."
R "Well, that's true. Where are we gonna put it?"
H "In the corner over there, clear the table back a bit."
R "Well, won't it shed needles and such like?"
H "Not any more, they've got trees that are specially treated now."

She points out that it's just once a year, in any case, this might be the first Christmas he spends here. Won over by her charm, he agrees, much to her delight.

Deirdre has joined Ken and Emily for a drink in the Rovers. She is seething, "squatters at Curly's", she tells them. "And it gets worse, it's Jackie and Tyrone." Disappointed looks on faces all round.

Les has arrived for his doctor's appointment. "Ah, yes, the unfortunate narcosis" says Dr Nicholls. "No. Drug overdose, me" replies Les, "have you got the right person?" "Judging from Neville's description, I don't think there's any doubt of that We don't make mistakes, Mr Battersby, we profit from other people's" says the doctor. He explains that he needs to ascertain Les' state of health. Les tells him how lucky he is to be alive, he could have been a walking vegetable. "Could have?" asks Dr Nicholls (LOL!!!). "As it is, I'm OK" continues Les. A pause as Les twigs that the idea is to paint a picture of how bad he actually is, "Oh, gotcha". "Precisely, could have is not something we want to dwell on" says our medic. He asks Les about his concentration. Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs! I was only saying to my Janice yesterday, 'beloved, I said, best put the Scrabble away tonight, I don't think I'm up to it. What was I saying?" "Concentration." "Oh yeah, shot to pieces." "Aha, What about memory." "Err. Oh, I don't remember. It used to be alright." "I think you've got the idea, Mr Battersby. Now is there anything you'd like to tell me." "Well, er, things haven't been too bright in the downstairs department. I was wondering if I could get some of them Viagra tablets. I did ask at the hospital but they took no notice of me." The doctor points out that medical compensation is his business, however, if he is telling him that, as a result of this appalling negligence, he is no longer as active as he once was, then that should be included. Les is delighted until he realises that he might have to stand up in Court and say that he can't stand up in court? LOL!!! The doctor tells him that the system depends on brave folk like him coming forward, otherwise, all sorts of misdeeds go unaddressed and the Health Service they all love and respect, simply declines even further. This appeals to Les' civic instincts and he agrees to make a noble sacrifice and make a stand (as it were), for the cause. The doctor is delighted. "Excellent, I only wish there were more patients like you." Les is delighted.

Spider has called at Curly's. As Tyrone opens the door, Spider brushes past. He explains that he is on his side, at least philosophically. Although this is his mate's house, ideologically, he supports them. Eh? Is the unspoken look on Tyrone's face. Just then, Scouse Slagette comes in and seeing Spider, asks "who's this?" "I don't know, some tosser" replies Ty. "What does he want?" "I dunno, he doesn't speak English." "Right cock, you've got ten seconds. What are you, what do you want and then out" is her brusque address. Spider explains he is a mate of Curly's. "Right! Out" says Jackie. "Hey, hang on, look. I support you in principle, I just want you to respect Curly's space" replies Spider. "Just like I'm gonna respect yours. Now gerrout. Go on, you crust-heap. See ya. Don't wanna be ya. Now go on. Shift!" With that, Spider is swiftly despatched off the premises. "So was he English?" asks the ever-bright Ty. "I don't know. He was nattering on about space. Maybe he is from Mars", concludes Jackie.

Following their meeting earlier at the Rovers, Emily and Ken have called round at Deirdre's. No luck, apparently. They have been to the Citizens Advice Bureau and the Housing Advice Centre and both have said the same thing - it seems they cannot do anything without Curly, he is the owner, it is his responsibility, they explain to Deirdre. Apparently, even if Curly were here, he would have to apply for a possession order. Deirdre blames herself as she brought the wretched woman here in the first place.

Sally is at Rita's. She is on her way out to see Kevin. "Kevin? And you're smiling?" exclaims Rita. Sally explains that she has been asked to call round to discuss Christmas. She sounds pretty hopeful about things, expressing the view that Kevin seems to have mellowed in the last few days.

On her way out, she bumps into Alec on his way in. Rita explains the reason behind Sally's happiness and thinks that Santa could work his little miracle with those two. Alec asks, surely Rita doesn't still believe in the old man in the red suit? "No, but I believe in his little elf," she replies jovially, patting his cheek.

Fred's voice is booming in the Corner Shop, as he is telling Maud, "Them raffle tickets aren't moving very fast, I say, they're not shifting. " Seeing Mike and Alma, he asks "would you like to buy some raffle tickets for a sumptuous Christmas hamper?" Mike asks what it's in aid of. "Small businessmen" replies Fred. "Like the cause, don't like the prize" quips Mike.

On seeing Greg coming in, Fred exclaims "Ah, young man! Me rent!" Greg tells him that he will have to wait until tomorrow, the cheque he was expecting didn't materialise. Mike listens on chuckling. Fred tells Greg in no uncertain terms "it had better materialise tomorrow, or t'bailiffs!"

Mike comments that it serves Greg right after trying to do the dirty on people. Alma tells Mike that Greg isn't the only one, look at Jackie Dobbs, there is apprently nothing they can do about it, well, not legally, that is. Mike asks what they are going to do, run her out of town? She has a better idea. What is it that is keeping her - apart from the house, what other ties does Jackie have in Weatherfield, she asks? "I dunno. A job?" replies Mike. "And if she didn't have that?" queries Alma. Mike twigs, "you want me to sack her, don't you?" "Not want, Mike! Insist!" replies Alma. Mike has that outflanked look on his face, as Alma turns to Maud and volunteers Mike to buy a raffle ticket.

In the Rovers, the Battersby clan are getting briefed by Les on the outcome of his medical appointment. Les is telling Janice and Leanne, accompanied by Nick, that he stands to get thousands of pounds of compensation, "maybe hundreds of thousands, probably" he dreams, "And he reckons I'll be doing a public service by exposing the shambles that exists in our hospitals." Nick has had enough of this and says "but never mind that you are putting a good man on the dole queue, never mind you'd be ruining Martin's career." Les is generosity personified and advises Nick, that he will make sure that Martin will "not go short of a bob or two" when he gets his compensation, "now I can't say fairer than that, can I?" Nick's response is from the heart "and I'll tell you what his answer will be, shall I? Same as mine. Stuff your money." With that, he gets up and storms out.

Ken, Emily and Deirdre are still discussing the Scouse Slagette. Ken is expressing his frustration at the time the legal process takes. "Even if we knew where Norman was" adds Emily. Deirdre tells them she wouldn't mind going outside the law. At that stage, Jackie pops her head around the corner and tells Deirdre, "you don't wanna do that kid. Look what happened last time! Anyway, what are you planing? A bank job?" Deirdre tells her the truth, "no, getting rid of you and protecting our friend's property." Jackie's demeanour changes. "Scuse me luv! Now listen up, Deirdre, if you think you can get rid of us, think again. Me and Tyrone like it here and we're staying. So if I find out that you've been causing trouble, you'll end up thinking that prison was a holiday camp. Know what I'm saying, mate?" Ken interjects "now look here", to which Jackie tells him to "shut it." Oooh, she is so grotesquely mean! the look on Emily's face is an absolute picture.

At Roy's Rolls, he and Hayley have finished decorating the Christmas tree. He is delighted with it. "I don't know what to say. It's wonderful. I don't think I've ever owned a tree before. Not a big, proper one. You know, you've transformed Christmas for me, just like you have transformed my life. Thank you. So much. You know this Christmas is going to be the best ...." His speech of joy and gratitude is interrupted by Hayley. She has some news she has been trying to tell him - she cannot spend Christmas with him. She has to spend it with her dad's sister, she is a widow and Hayley is all she has got. You can tell that Hayley is very upset by this and tells him how awful she feels. "Well, so you should" replies Roy, all hurt. He tells her that he has been looking forward so much to spending Christmas with her, this was going to be the summit of his life so far, the best Christmas present, he has ever had, Hayley. She is apologetic, but doesn't want to row over this - she had tried to get out of it, but she thought her Roy wouldn't want her to leave her auntie on her own at Christmas, in any case, there will be plenty more. Roy has calmed down and seen reason. They hug each other in a lovely, endearing display of affection. Awwww!!!

Sally has called round at Kevin's. He is telling her that the kids will want to see her on Christmas day, but he doesn't want things developing. She can come round in the morning, see them open their presents, stay for Christmas lunch (he will cook it), takes the girls out in the afternoon, but he wants them back here for teatime. Sally is shocked, it's all very cold and formal, she tells him, "I take it we won't be exchanging Christmas presents." His reply has her reeling, "There is something else I want to offer you. A divorce, as soon as Christmas is over." It's Sally's turn to look gobsmacked...

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Peter Mills (and doesn't it show)!!

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? To paraphrase a well-known saying, what a difference a script makes. Nothing particularly earth-shattering took place tonight, but what an enjoyable episode from a script viewpoint with some great dialogue.

Les was amusing in the scene with Dr Nicholls, the medical examiner, as was Spider agonising over his principles when faced with the Dobbs squatters and confronting them. Toyah looked suitably disconcerted by Tyrone Dobbs, right the other side of the dividing wall from her bedroom. Mike was wonderfully wicked having pulled a fast one over Greg over the contract Greg had introduced, thereby getting even - it's quite something when you cheer one rat for getting one over on an even bigger rat!!!

Jackie is soooo garish, brash and loud that it ain't true, but it is - there are Slagettes like that around the place. The "unpaid security guards" scene was a gem, turning their squatting in Curly's house to make it look as if she and her son were protecting the house from squatters was a nice touch.

From one extreme to the other, lovely bits of dialogue from Roy and Hayley, of course, nicely acted out with gentle humour and sensitivity by our favourite couple. The three scenes featuring them both were gems, as was Roy's scene with Gail.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Season's Greetings to you all, thanks for your love and support over the last 9 months I have been updating.

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop.... Regards, Alan


Sunday 20 December

This will be the last update from me before Christmas, and I would like to take the opportunity to wish all readers a very happy time, whether it be an occasion for individual celebration or not. [I'm sure it is, for the vast majority of you, but that's no reason to make sweeping generalisations.] This particular atheist holds no qualms about joining in with the general merriment - it's a time for family and friends, and I don't know about you but by the time December comes round every year it really *does* feel like time to wind up one twelve months, have a rest, and start on another one. [So some special thanks to all those folks who carry on working in order for the rest of us not to have to.]

It may be just me, but there seems to have been somewhat less razzamatazz leading up to the festive season this year, at least in the UK. Not long back, it seemed that Christmas started just after the summer holidays at the end of August, and by November you could be buying Easter eggs and summer clothes. Anyway, we seem to have backtracked on this and got things back on a sensible timetable, and not before time in my humble opinion.

And so to a very topical episode of Corrie, as we would expect, but also to an outstandingly good one, which recently we might not have expected.

[And they've changed the titles back. Obviously some new boy was let loose with the HTML !!]

Act 1
We open in the cafe, where Roy and Hayley discuss their arrangements for Christmas. Hayley, we recall, has dropped a bombshell by deciding that her family obligations have to come first, and she will be spending the holiday with her aunt, who has no other close relatives now that Hayley's father is dead. Roy, after his initial disappointment, is being very gallant and supportive. He asks how old Hayley's aunt is, and we know we're in for a good time this evening when Hayley replies that she is 46 ! Roy asks if she doesn't have any friends then, and Hayley tells him that her aunt is a bit shy. "It's a family trait", she adds. As she will be leaving the next day, Roy suggests that they have their own Christmas celebration that very evening. Hayley is delighted, and offers to get some champagne. [In place of Roy's sparkling wine idea.]

Sally and Kevin are at loggerheads over Rosie's birthday arrangements. Sally has naturally presumed that their little girl will be having a party and inviting lots of friends round, and there will be so much to organise - is Kevin getting on with it ? No, he isn't, because the old sourpuss claims that Rosie is too old for parties and will be going to Santa's grotto instead. On cue, Rosie and Sophie appear and Sally asks Rosie if she's looking forward to seeing Santa. About as much as she was looking forward to Greg being her new Daddy, it would seem. Sally points this out to Kevin, but he's adamant. It's the grotty^ho, or nothing.

Gail is looking through Roy's feasibility study on the possibilities for new ventures, but she's obviously thinking of other things and tells Roy that she needs to give it more time. Martin and Nick arrive, and add more good cheer to Gail's Christmas when they tell her that the battlelines are being drawn between the Platts and the Battersbys over Nick and Leanne. Seated at a table in the cafe, drinking tea, is a Santa. Audrey arrives, and greets him, but he doesn't respond. She says hello to Roy, and asks him if he'll be spending Christmas with Hayley. He tells them of their alternative arrangement for that evening. Gail jokes that he's lucky to be having a proper dinner - with the way things are going, the Platts will be having a turkey sandwich and a single mince pie each. [I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that she might be overreacting at the moment. The inquiry at the hospital will undoubtedly drag on for weeks, and Martin will still be getting full pay.]

It seems a while since we last saw the Duckworths, but in familiar style, Jack is sitting in his vest at the breakfast table when Vera comes off the phone. Vera is pleased about something - "what's the nicest thing that could happen to you this Christmas ?", she asks him. A beatific smile crosses his face, but Vera wallops him across the shoulder and snaps him out of it. [I expect it was something to do with Cameron Diaz and a bottle of baby oil.] The Hortons have invited them over to Blackpool for the holiday, to spend time with their grandson, Tommy. Vera is delighted. But Jack points out that there's no way Alec is going to let them take that much time off from the pub. Alec walks in at this point, and Vera beams at him. "NO !", he gets in first. "No to whatever it is that's making you smile at me like that !". Jack looks on, resigned to another argument coming up.

In Mike's factory, Jackie finishes off a pair of lacy undies, and puts them in her handbag. Deirdre is walking past at this exact moment, but it's not clear whether she saw what was going on or not, and Jackie distracts her by apologising for her harsh words the night before. To make things up, she invites Deirdre over to "her place" on Christmas Day. Deirdre looks more worried than the turkey at this prospect, and hastily explains that she's already arranged to go and see her mother. Or work in a soup kitchen. Or anything.

Behind the bar, Vera looks as if she's about to tackle Alec about the holiday arrangements, when Alec sees Natalie standing in a dream-world reading a letter. He goes over to talk to her, and once she arrives back on planet Earth, she shows him the letter. It's from her solicitors, finalising the sale of her house and the proceeds. Alec observes that this will provide a bit of security for her future, but Natalie explains that she can only see it as the money that she and Des had planned for *their* future. In the back- ground Jack senses that Alec doesn't want to be disturbed, and restrains Vera from going over to confront him.

Off to the corner shop we go now [what's it called these days ? I'm sure it's not Alf's Mini Mart any longer...] to find Nick telling Ashley how naffed off he is about Leanne's attitude to the Martin and Les sideshow. Ashley mentions "loyalty" but Nick thinks she is taking it too far. Judy, meanwhile, is trying to reach something from a high shelf, but being the size of a pocket battleship she's having trouble reaching up. Hayley helps out. They exchange a little small talk about the babies, and Hayley observes how lucky Judy is. Judy gives her an understanding look that proves how you don't always have to say something in order to get your message across. Hayley has remembered that she "happened to notice" that one of the baby shops in town was offering a year's supply of baby clothing and nappies and prams and stuff, to the first baby born on Christmas Day. [She also wandered off on a technical dissection of the pros and cons of the various kinds of double buggies available for twins, leading us to think that this was not some chance window-shopping.] Judy thanks her and leaves, as Fred espies Hayley looking at the wine selection. She tells him she's looking for something a little special, and he selects a bottle of champagne, then goes on to say that he remembers Roy is partial to a spot of Lambrusco, which is lucky as they have a special deal on with the Count of Lambrusco. Hayley looks thoughtful, and asks if this is Count Alfredo or his cousin Giovanni ? Fred, caught red-handed, admits that he'd made it up. Hayley tells him she'd made it up too, but isn't it fun ? Fred doesn't look as if he's enjoyed having the tables turned on him.

Back to the cafe, where Santa 1 has been joined by Santas 2 and 3, to whom Gail is serving tea. The phone rings, and is answered by Roy. It's for Santa. "Which one ?", he asks, "we've got 3 !". He hands the phone to Santa 1 [I think ;-)]. Roy returns to talk to Gail - he's worried about not having bought Hayley's present yet, as he'd thought he had nearly a week longer to think about it. She suggests something that shows the warmth of his love. "Hmm, warmth", muses Roy, and thanks her.

Over in the Rovers, Alma is trying harder to persuade Mike that he should sack Jackie, as a way of getting back at her for squatting in Curly's house. [I hope the meaning of the word "squatting" in this context isn't too confusing to our overseas readers, lest they think Liverpudlians are prone to using other people's houses as communal toilets. Basically, it means "unauthorised occupation", but oddly squatters do have rights and are not easily evicted.] Anyway, Mike doesn't agree that this is a sackable offence. "What about the disrepute that she's bringing on your business ?", tries Alma. "Blimey, if that were the case, I wouldn't have any staff left !", argues Mike. He points out that he's very busy and is frankly understaffed as it is. There is a screech of car brakes outside, and Mike rushes out, concerned that someone has run into his "motor".

Outside, we find Steve Macdonald getting out of his car, hurling abuse at another driver who he appears to have narrowly avoided, although both cars have ended up on the pavement. It takes a little while before he realises that he's shouting at Vicky, Alec's grand-daughter and of course, his ex-wife. She says she was merely trying to avoid running over a Santa, seen scurrying off in the background. Alec comes out of the Rovers, and is delighted to see Vicky. He takes her into the bar.

Intermission
Well, it's Christmas, so it is of course time for our screens to be deluged with commercials for the likes of toys, perfumes, Ferrero Rocher chocolates, and liqueurs. On the last of these, there's a rather good advert on this year for a rather sickly-looking liqueur, consisting of two bottles in one, one dispensing a vanilla cream liqueur and the other a coffee-chocolate liqueur, which mix and then separate out again in the glass. [A pint of beer to the first person who writes in to say they have drunk an entire bottle of this stuff in one sitting. Bet it'll be a woman too...]

Back to the thread - the marketing angle is that there's two parts to the drink, so they have made two adverts, shown at opposite ends of the same commercial break. This one features a young man and woman, out on a date at a Japanese restaurant. First from her point of view, and then from his. So, her discomfiture at trying to cover her modesty with a very short skirt while they go to sit cross-legged on very low chairs, is counterpointed by him staring at his feet, where we observe that he has a lovely big hole in one sock. At the end of the evening, as the liqueurs are poured, she is pleased that he seems the "strong, silent type", who romantically walks her home, while he observes that he "couldn't think of a *thing* to say", and spent so much on the meal that there wasn't enough left for the cab fare. [Sounds like one of my dates...]

Well, that's more enough for one intermission, time for the lights to dim and the curtain to rise on...

Act 2
Alec tells Vicky how lovely it is to see her, although he doesn't seem to have noticed that her longish, curly red hair had transmuted into a short brunette bob. [It is the same Chloe Newsome, though.] She tells him it *is* Christmas and what better than to come up and see her Grandad. Oh, and also, she is looking at a catering business venture and would appreciate him checking over the figures for her. He suggests they pop over and see Rita first, and talk money later. In the background, Vera is champing at the bit. Her mind is made up - if Alec can spend Christmas with his grandchild, so can she.

In the cafe, there are now 5 Santas, and we're all dying to know who's underneath the snowy beards ! Hayley rushes in to have a word with Gail, hopefully when Roy is not about. Gail guesses that she too is having trouble in the presents department. The trouble is, she has the opposite problem to Roy - she has been buying gifts non-stop since September, and has 11 books, a CD rack, a Swiss Army knife [his fifth !], a wok, and some unidentifiable gadget. But she thinks none of it suits him, and she's taken it all back. Now she only has a handbag full of credit notes and is in a panic. Gail suggests she asks the Santas for ideas ;-) "Who are they ?", whispers Hayley. "I don't know", answers Gail, "but I do know they must drinks loads of tea in Lapland !". More helpfully, she tells Hayley she should buy Roy a new jacket to replace the rather staid C&A example he wears all the time. But not a red one. Else they'll look like a couple of tomatoes. As Hayley rushes off, Gail asks the Santa troop if they'd like more tea. They all nod.

A rare visit to the Malletts residence. Judy tells Gary of her encounter with Hayley in the corner shop. Gary thinks it'd be great to win the competition at the baby shop, but Judy is fed up being "out here" and wants it over and done with as soon as possible. He thinks that having a big belly can look very attractive on some people, though. [Careful, Gary, it was that twinkle in your eye that got you into this state in the first place !] Judy looks pensive, and says that it's sad about Hayley though. "She is a woman, she thinks like a woman, she even shops like one, but when it comes to the ultimate...", and looks down at her lump. Look on the bright side, love, says Gary, she's got something we'll never have. ?? "Roy Cropper !". Judy grins. [Judy has a lovely big smile - it's well up there with Julia Roberts. And Ian Mercer plays Gary so well he is completely believable as the character and not an ac-tor. I like the Malletts a lot.]

Roy returns to the cafe, to find no less than EIGHT Santas present. Gail tells him she's been trying to gently remove them as they're about to close, but they didn't pay her any attention. She asks Roy if he has got a present for Hayley - he has. He reminds her about his plans, and she promises to look at them. Off home goes Gail. Roy approaches the Santas, and tells them that he really is closing up, and they'll have to go. As they start to shuffle off, he asks Santa 1 if this is some sort of convention. Santa removes his beard to reveal - Charlie West ! Charlie tells him it's "Rent-a-Santa". Roy looks thoughtful...

Nick arrives home with a smallish Christmas tree for the house. [And no I'm not going to join in the raft of Plank jokes...] He thinks that perhaps it'd be best if he and Leanne spent Christmas by themselves. No chance, says Leanne, their families are just yards away and they'll be expected to spend the entire day running from one house to another. The matter is unresolved, but the young couple *are* looking forward to their first Christmas. [Hmm, I think the first Christmas Mrs L and I looked forward to, was the one where we refused to trail around the country and stayed put in our own house !]

Gail has returned home, and is looking through Roy's plans. She seems quite impressed, but realises that every option will probably involve having to put money into the partnership. Martin tries to tactfully point out that he could quite easily lose his job, even if he's not completely guilty the hospital would sacrifice him just to save face, and in that case he wouldn't qualify for any payoff, or any dole money, or even any social security assistance. Perhaps Gail should consider letting Roy buy her out ? Gail looks not best pleased at this suggestion.

Sally returns home, having obviously been Christmas shopping. As she walks away from the taxi, she is accosted by Greg, somewhat the worse for wear, who rails at her for spending money when he might not even have anywhere to stay over Christmas. He continues to hurl abuse as she rushes inside. A rather dark interlude.

Much more cheery stuff over at Roy's cafe, where he and Hayley drink a toast to each other, sat at a candle-lit table. The doorbell rings. "Oh, I wonder who that might be ?", asks Roy. No prizes for guessing that it's Santa 1, aka Charlie, who asks if a certain Hayley Patterson is in, before handing over her Christmas present. She tears the wrapping paper off, to reveal a scarf. "It's to keep you warm", explains Roy, "like my love". She hands him her present, which strangely is about the same shape and size, and naturally it's exactly the same scarf ! "It's to add some colour to your life", she says, "like me". They each have more presents upstairs in their Christmas stockings, but for now they have another toast. Charlie grabs a glass and joins them, downing it in one. He says he'll have to be get back to round up his reindeer, as there's three more presents to deliver before he can get off down the pub. His final cultural contribution is a hearty belch. <g> Still keeping up the synchronisation theme, Hayley and Roy thank each other for the scarves, in unison. Roy lifts his glass of champagne and says this reminds him of a poem, which he start to recite, before Hayley joins in and completes the verse. [It is about someone eating fish and chips alone, and wondering what it would be like to buy supper for two.] "You know it ?", asks Roy. "Yes, Roger McGough", replies Hayley, "it... struck a chord". Roy delivers the next line with impeccable timing - "but not any more ?", he asks. "No", agrees Hayley and they raise their glasses and wish each other a Happy Christmas. [And a more sensitive soul than me might have a slightly moist eye at this scene, it was just *perfectly* executed.]

Alec has finalised his staff rota for the Rovers, and explains to Jack and Vera that everyone will be able to have some time off. "I know", says Vera, "we've arranged ours already". She advises him to go back to his rota and start again, beginning with her and Jack being in Blackpool over Christmas. Over my dead body, says Alec. [Always a likely feed-line for a snappy reply, and tonight is no exception.] "Ooh, that'd be a bonus !" exclaims Vera. Alec forbids them to go. Well, there's no *way* they're staying. Alec looks at Jack for support, and Jack gives him his "don't look at me" look. The credits roll.

This episode was written by Peter Mills.

Watching tonight's show was like looking at something with the light on, instead of peering in the dark trying to make out hazy details. The script writing was of a different class, and the cast played along magnificently. I noticed that this was the third Peter Mills episode in a row, and whether that's significant or not I couldn't really say [it would seem churlish to suggest that the other writers are not up to the same quality because I know from earlier updates that I have been impressed by many of them] but perhaps it helps to give a writer a bit of a free rein and let him develop plots for more than one episode at a time. Or maybe we are seeing the influence of the new director ?

Whichever, this episode was a delight. The stars, as ever, were Roy and Hayley, but their special relationship also brings out the best in many of the other characters. And it probably says more about my sense of humour, but the ever-increasing rank of Santas made me laugh out loud ! I'd still *love* to know who they all were, Charlie apart. I suspect an in-joke amongst the crew, but we may never know.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ****

Once again, happy holidays to you all. I'll be back, err, *sometime*, after Christmas. Probably a bit late !

John Laird


Monday 21 December

Hi :)

This Update is already very very delayed, so I'll rush through and skip the prologue entirely. Apologies for the late-running of this service, but the Update Express was derailed by festivities in the Yuletide Region. There will be no buffet car available on this train.

Hope you all had a great Christmas...

We open the show in Rita's flat where a frantic Alec Gilroy is complaining to anyone within earshot (which happens to be Vicky and Rita in this case) about the unbelievable cheek of the Duckworths, asking for time off like that at Xmas time without any warning whatsoever. It all becomes rather tiresome after about, ooh, 5 seconds of this ranting and eventually Big Red tells him to can it, explaining that Vicky has not come all the way up to Weatherfield simply to listen to her grandad harp on about the Duckies. Alec dutifully cans it and, as Rita goes to cook breakfast, Vicky starts questioning him about the relationship between he and Big Red. Eventually the cat is let out of bag and Alec remarks "Well, at least it's a happy arrangement" before adding "I just wish me business life was as trouble-free".

Meanwhile at the Cafe, The Camp Crusader minces in and asks Gail if she's got any ideas as to what he should buy his Grandad for Christmas (What is it with Gail all of a sudden? Is she the Christmas Gift Oracle of Weatherfield? This is the third person to ask her for advice on the subject in the last 2 episodes!)... She suggests a paperback novel ("He likes thrillers!") and proceeds to question Whoopsie Boy on what he would like for his Birthday (which of course, is coming up soon). Now personally, if I were he, I'd opt for the Six Week Personality Seminar but, sadly, he is as uninteresting as ever and tells her that "just a party" will suffice. Gail smiles and then proceeds to tell him that come Christmas they plan on putting all this Battersby business behind them and just concentrating on having a good time. In order to prove this, she most cordially invites Nicky and Leanne to Plattingham Palace for Christmas Lunch. Nick half-heartedly accepts the offer, but I can't tell for the life of me if this is apprehension on his behalf or just Adam Rickitt's usual hollow attempt at conveying a trace of emotion in his acting.

In the back room of the Rovers, Vera is still trying to convince Alec that taking time off at Christmas is a perfectly legitimate request and the fact that they work in a pub shouldn't even come into it. Alec obviously disputes this and claims that, since this is the busiest time of the year for the Rovers and Vee has left it 'til the very last minute to even issue her request for holiday time, the Duckies are being completely unreasonable... And let's face facts here. You don't have to be Grumpy Gilroy to see that asking for time off without *any* advance warning at the busiest time of the year just isn't on and even Vera Duckworth is smart enough to see how ridiculous it sounds. Of course, this hasn't been taken into account because it's yet another one of those slap-dash, knocked-up-in-a-minute storylines hatched to pave the swift departure of yet another fleeing cast member... Anyway, the two of them bicker about it for a minute or so and fail to reach any kind of conclusion whatsoever.

Down the road, in the Cornershop, Betty is buying her groceries and is tempted by the Christmas Raffle Tickets on sale, since it's for charity. Maud hilariously explains "Who said owt about charity? It's just Fred's way of getting rid of old stock. There's only two weeks left on the pickled walnuts!" and soon succeeds in putting Betty straight off the idea of parting with her cash. At this point there's a lot of noise and shouting as Ashley and Fred enter, wrestling with a large sack of potatoes. The latter asks Betty if she's bought any raffle tickets as Maud covers her own hide and pipes "Yes, she's bought a pound's worth haven't you Betty?"... Betty agrees and bids Fred a speedy farewell. The Beefy Butcher, visibly on a roll now, wonders if Maud herself has bought any but she reckons that the food in the prize hamper is far too elaborate for her tastes. Fred insists that good food is the very essence of Christmas before adding to a nearby Ashley that "That's what *you* need... It'd put some lead in your pencil, would a smoked oyster!" (LOL!) Maud admits that a mere poached egg is probably all she will be having for Christmas dinner but the kind-hearted Ashley takes pity on her and invites both Maud & Fred to the House Of Elliot for a proper turkey meal. She is deeply touched by the offer and accepts, however Fred has other plans it seems. When quizzed as to what these may be he snaps defensively "Never you mind! Suffice it to say that my festivities are assured!"

In the Rovers, Les Battersby stands before an unmanned bar (Every Landlord's Nightmare!) and shouts for assistance. Alec comes out of the back and is horrified to see that no one is serving. Even moreso when he hears that Jack went down to the cellar to "change a barrel" about 10 minutes ago and has not returned! It turns out that The Devious Duckworth is having a crafty ciggie downstairs and, as Alec yells for him to get back upstairs right this minute, a nearby Vicky prepares a perfect pint for an impressed Les. "I'll say one thing about this young lass", he intones, "She knows how to pull a decent pint". Vicky then enthuses about her skill with cocktails and the Boozing Battersby is excited at sampling some until Alec explains that a "'Mean Cocktail' *MEANS* you have to pay for it". Les retreats to his seat, moodily as the two Gilroys exchange words about runnning a business. Vicky is surprised at her Grandad's recent free accomodation deal with the Duckies and wonders what could have made him commit such an act of unashamed generousity. "I'm just going soft in me old age", he murmurs and his Granddaughter suggests that this is "Rita's influence"...

Cut across to a booth now, where Janice and Les sit together, discussing Christmas. Les is still excited about the prospect of his forthcoming compensation money and thinks they can afford some decent food and festivities this year along with some proper turkey instead of the Charlie West Special. They want Leanne to share in this and Les suggests that they invite both her and Nick to the Battersby Christmas Dinner... Back behind the bar, Alec asks if Betty can do some extra shifts over the Yuletide period to compensate for the Duckies' absense but it's a no-go situation since all her days have been planned already and his request comes at far too short a notice. As the Livid Landlord silently fumes, Janice leaves the pub and convieniently bumps into Leanne on the street, taking this chance to ask her to Christmas lunch. The Tinsel-clad Tilsley accepts the invitation, merrily.

At this point, further along the Street, Alma is letting herself into No. 7 to "check the post" when she is accosted by an angry Tyrone who tells her she has no right to go in there and how he already told her once that *he* will pass on whatever post is to be dealt with. She is outraged by his audacity but this soons turns to something akin to sympathy as Tyrone explains "Do you know where I spent Christmas last year? I visited me mum in prison then went home to an empty flat. Me dad was at his girlfriend's, I never even saw him."... She sighs and leaves him be as he tells her he's "hoping this year will be better than last"...

So we cut to The House Of Elliot, inside which The Camp Crusader is battling with some gift-wrapping (the gift-wrap is winning, incidentally) while Leanne cooks soup. Whoopsie Boy suggests feebly that they have their Christmas Dinner at the Platt Household but Leanne is appalled by this idea and lays down the law, telling him sternly that they are eating at the Battersby's! When he weakly objects, she explains that, thanks to Martin, her Dad's been through a tremendous ordeal and, since they don't know the long-term effects of what happened, he might not even be here by this time next Christmas, so they're going to the Battersby Christmas Dinner and that's *that*! Nicky just mewls and bleats.

END OF PART ONE

The adverts are ireedeemably bad this week. I would feel guilty about sharing some of this dross with you fine people so we'll move straight along to...

PART TWO
Alec and Vicky, in the back room of the Rovers, are debating her proposed "business plans" and, to be frank, it sounds like she doesn't really have her head screwed on straight. To sum things up, she is planning on opening a 'Cafe Bar' ("It's a Cafe... Bar... Just what it sounds like... A bar... where you can get something to eat!", she gushes as if this is the most innovative idea known to mankind) in London. She has also commisioned a design company to draw up some official plans, at great expense, without actually having sealed the contract to even purchase the building. On top of this, she has a 'business partner' called Giles (pronounced "Geels") who she's known for all of two months. He is "one of the finest chefs on the South Coast" and with his cooking and her "business brain", she thinks she's onto a dead cert, although she admits hurriedly, when asked, that Giles' last venture (A brasserie) went horribly belly-up... The whole thing sounds tremendously dodgy to me but she can't seem to see this and when Alec warns her that "there are a lot of sharks in this world", she responds chirpily... "I know but, don't worry, I still love you, Granddad!"... Sadly, the rimshot and cymbal sound effect is missing from the end of this scene.

The Camp Crusader enters the Cafe and approaches Gail with the words "Mum, I've got a bit of problem". The original dialogue ("I've got a bit of a problem, you see. It's a complete and total inability to read even so much as a single line from the script in a remotely convincing or effective manner. But rather than go to the effort of learning, I reckon I can probably get away with standing here and looking pretty in the hope that no one will notice what a poor excuse for an 'actor' I am. It doesn't matter anyway though, really, does it since I'm leaving to pursue a pop career soon... Pass the pay packet.") was sadly replaced by him breaking the news that they can't spend Christmas with the Platts because they have to go spend it with the Battersbys instead. Naturally, Gail is horrified and offended, exclaiming "Why should I change my plans to suit the flamin' Battersbys?!"

Alma, Ken and Audreh stand at the Rovers bar debating whether or not they should take pity on the Dobbs family at Christmas. Alma has obviously been touched by Tyrone's earlier tirade and it seems Ken is also converted. Audreh, however, isn't so sympathetic and when Mr Borelow points out that it's hardly the time of year to go turfing people out onto the streets, she points out that Jesus, Mary and Joseph were homeless at Christmas time and "it never did them any harm, look at all them churches" adding that "You two have just been brainwashed by watching too much religion on telly! It's the same every year, they try to make you have a guilty conscience because you enjoy shopping!" (LOL - Cracking line)... Just at that point, Jim hobbles into the bar on crutches and greets Vicky, who is still serving. They exchange pleasantries and small talk, although when Vicky asks what happened with the wheelchair incident, Jim passes it off with "Just mark it down to MacDonald bad luck and, having been a MacDonald, you'd know all about that". Speaking of which, Googly Eyes MacDonald walks in at this point, orbs-a'rollin', and doesn't seem so pleased to see the makeshift barmaid. They exchange evil glares and unpleasantries.

Gary Mallet sits at home, meanwhile, watching a video of a woman giving birth. Judy enters and asks if he could please turn it off, but he seems fascinated by the whole thing and suggests that, while he finishes watching it, she pops to the store to get some milk. Just at that point... Judeh has a twinge! *gasp* Don't worry, though, they're not due yet, it's just a little bit of kicking. She's still fit to go and fetch the milk from the store!

Outside, Sally unloads knickers from the back of a car (the back of a lorry would perhaps be more appropriate...) while being questioned by Margi^H^HJackie Dobbs about how the market stall business is going since Rent-A-Scouse is thinking of setting one up herself. Why? Because she knows a place where she can get "cheap knickers... cheaper than cheap ifyouknowworrameanlike" (Oi! Cilla! Noooo!)... The penny drops and Sally advises her not to go thieving from Mike Baldwin, which of course provokes the obvious "Thieving!? That's slander, that is!"-esque reaction... As Scary Scouse stalks off in a rage, Audreh and Maxine exit the nearby salon and engage in conversation. The former asks the latter to stay in Fiona's old flat over the holiday period to make sure it doesn't get broken into (or squatted in for that matter) but Max doesn't fancy spending Christmas alone in a pokey flat, thus declines the offer for now.

Back in the Rovers, Fred once again asks Gruesome Greg for his rent money ("You can pay for your ale, I see") and, once again, Bogface tells him it's on it's way before storming off to nurse his pint in the corner. "Tenants have too many rights these days", rages Fred, waving his arms about like a mad thing, "Takes too long for the wheels of justice to turn around! Not like t'old days, he'd've been out on his ear!"... Audreh continues where Fred leaves off and bemoans the rights of squatters, worrying that they can just settle down in any unoccupied building (which, of course, includes the flat above the salon)... Just then, Maxine enters and tells Audreh that she *would* be interested in moving into the flat over the holidays *if* they could make that a more permanent arrangement, with rental rates to be agreed shortly. Since it's Christmas, Audreh agrees and they all bounce up and down like excited little teletubbies. Fred, meanwhile, stews over ways to eject his Bland Tenant... "I'm going to take the law into my own hands", he muses aloud, "Aye, soon as his back's turned, put his stuff out onto the street and change all the locks... that'll cook his goose!"... This plan of action strikes a chord with a nearby Alec Gilroy, who perhaps is seeing a way of solving his own tenant-related issues.

Back at The House Of Elliot, Leanne talks to the wallpaper. She asks it how the talk with Gail went about the rearranged Christmas Dinners and the wallpaper replies that it couldn't make her budge and that it's now Leanne's turn to talk to *her* family about the situation. Leanne is not best pleased but agrees to *try* and figure something out (The plan is that one family has Christmas Dinner at tea-time or something silly like that)... (Wallpaper in this scene, played by Adam Rickitt...)

Across the road at the Rovers, Gareh is talking to Ken, Audreh and Maxine at the bar and they're all joking about this and that. Max lets it slip that she's planning a big housewarming party in the New Year at her neeeewww flaaaat and, unfortunately for all concerned, a sneaky looking Blandford overhears all of this from his table and grins... Behind the bar, meanwhile, Jack apologises to Alec about the whole Christmas business with Vera but Alec is all of a sudden very pleasant and not only says he's sorted out his staffing troubles but even goes as far as to *insist* that the Duckies go spend time with their family for the season... Natalie suspects Baldilocks of foul play.

Well, "how was it for me?" as Alan would say... Pleasant enough but hardly a stand-out episode. However, the sheer lack of anything drastic happening like drug dealing, murder, beatings, bedswapping or high volume rows made it a *lot* more tolerable than certain recent shows. Unfortunately, this followed on from Sunday 20th's episode which was an utterly sterling piece of work (see John Laird's Update!), so I guess it was bound to be a comedown to a certain extent. Not to worry though, no major complaints this time around except for the remarkable implausibility of the Duckies/Gilroy arguing and, of course, that waste of space Rickitt who proves once more he's nothing more than, as Annie would quite rightly put it, a "hairstyle with a mouth". Before I sign off, one quick word of praise *must* go to John "Fred Elliot" Savident, without whom the Street would be a far darker place. Certainly one of the finest comedy/caricature actors the show has seen and the definate high point of this episode.

Anyway, sorry again for the delay in getting this Update out. Hopefully this week's will be closer to the deadline. Take care! All the best for the Festive Season! :)

The episode was sponsored by The Chaos Engine (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking...)

The Rattler


Wednesday 23 December

Well, we're nearly there now, it's the evening of Christmas Eve and everything's been done now, got the gin in, and the Rose's Lime Juice, and the Baileys, and the pile of favourite videos is ready, and the music to hand. I'm all set to lock the doors, disconnect the phone and enjoy just one day of the most magical peace. Except that I may pop out just briefly for the odd drink and the odd nibble, and if a white Maserati pulls up outside I might just be prepared to change my plans completely!

I notice from my seasonal copy of "Venue" magazine that if you're in Bristol this Christmas holiday you have the chance to visit the Alma Theatre and see a production of "Robin Hood: The Truth Behind the Green Tights" - a pantomime of sorts written some years ago for the Bristol Old Vic. I can remember doing this piece during my amateur thespian days a few years ago, as an outdoor romp on Redland Green as part of the Westbury Park Festival. It was great fun and enjoyed immensely by performers and audience alike. It was written by... No, I won't say, I wonder if anybody here might like to hazard a guess at the author of "Robin Hood: The Truth Behind the Green Tights", if you don't know you might be surprised.

Anyway, on with the matter in hand. Tonight's episode is sponsored by Cadbury's Milk Tray - the one with the chocolate fiddler serenading his chocolate lover. And we find Alec, Jack and Betty seated round a table above the Rovers, sharing a pot of tea. Vera, we hear, is upstairs packing.

Jack is not terribly happy about the holiday plans; he thinks Vera is packing enough for a fortnight. Vera calls down the stairs, has Jack got the presents? Yes he has, he replies snappishly. He confesses he'd rather spend Christmas in front of the telly. In comes Vera in a tizz, she's afraid they'll miss the train - "and we all know who's fault that'll be"

"I do" says Jack, with an air of resignation.

"We all do!" says Alec with weary smugness.

This is the cue for Jack and Vera to squabble about who was to have ordered the taxi, but Alec comes to the rescue. With hands raised in conciliation, and suddenly looking suspiciously cheerful, he offers to drive them to the station himself. With a display of gratitude, Jack and Vera take their bags out of the room, leaving Betty to speculate accusingly on what's got into Alec all of a sudden. "Christmas!" says Alec with a smirk, "Season of goodwill!" And off he goes, humming "Deck the halls with boughs of holly", as Betty's eyes roll cynically.

Audrey is leaving the Kabin in good spirits, only to be accosted in the middle of the road by Fred, who reminds her in conspiratorial tones that today he'll be drawing the raffle and announcing the result in the Rovers in the evening - might Audrey be there, just in case? "IT'LL MAKE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS FEAST WILL THAT 'AMPER, JUST FOR TWO (hurriedly correcting himself) OR THREE IF ALF'S UP TO IT!". Audrey mumbles excuses, she's got to go now, leaving Fred beaming broadly and proclaiming to the world "OF COURSE YOU 'AVE LOVE! EMPIRES TO RUN!"

Alec is smiling broadly too, as he emerges, almost skipping with seasonal joy, or something, out of the Rovers carrying the Duckworths' suitcase. Jack, lumbering behind, expresses his undying gratitude, but Vera just prods him impatiently, telling him to shut up and get in the car. Alec is positively malevolent as he comments "Well, if we can't lend a hand at this time of year, when can we?"

Behind Alec's shoulder we see Leanne leaving her front door, and as Alec and the Duckworths pull away the camera closes in on her running across the street to the Battersbys. Pausing with an anxious sigh, she lets herself in. Inside, Les is in his habitual slouch in the armchair. Janice is unpacking something that looks like a small chicken, but which she insists is a turkey, from a supermarket bag. She's excited about this - "A real turkey this year! Well, when I say a real one I mean a dead 'un, one that's got no feathers on". (This is a little lost on me - I assume it refers to some kind of wheeler-dealing by Les at a previous Christmas).

"Great!" says Leanne listlessly, she clearly has other things on her mind.

Parsimonious Les grumbles about the price she paid for it. But it's worth it, thinks Janice - "saves me 'aving to chase it round t'back yard!"

But Leanne has come with a difficult proposition: can the Battersby's have their Christmas dinner at tea-time? Because, as she awkwardly confesses, they have arranged to have dinner time at the Platt's. This of course is grist to Les's mill, and off he blows: "Yer wha? Yer mean yer goin' to sit down with a feller that gave me an overdose?" Leanne pleads that she hasn't got a choice as Nick made the arrangements, but Les thunders on, trying to be the assertive father. Oh yes she has got a choice, she's got the choice of telling them no, which is what she's going to have to do because they're not having their dinner at teatime. Janice calmly tries to smooth things, but would still rather have dinner at dinner time. But there's no stopping Les, the Platt's will just have to have their Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. Leanne by this time has given up in despair.

Betty is pulling a pint and Natalie busy behind the bar as Alec comes bouncing into the Rovers, full of beans. Yes, he did get the Duckworths to the station, he even waved them off. Has anybody been in asking for him? No, says Natalie, not yet. Alec dismisses this with a wave of his hand, it's just that there are one or two bits of jobs to be done. Natalie is already as wary as Betty now, especially as he asks Betty for bin bags, and goes off to the kitchen to find them.

"There is!" says Natalie, unprompted. "What?" asks a puzzled Betty. "Summat going on, " replies Natalie, "that's what you were going to say isn't it?". Of course it was.

At number nine, Gary affectionately cuddles a Mickey Mouse toy and a teddy bear, and smiles indulgently to himself. (Some of us are aware of the significance of teddy bears; I do hope for Gary's sake that he doesn't also have a passion for chocolate cake). Judy comes downstairs with a suitcase - "Right, that's everything packed". She's all ready for the crucial moment, Gary can go out if he wants. Aw, no, says Gary, still caressing the teddy lovingly, what if something happens? But Judy thinks that the twins have decided between them that they're going to stop where they are until the New Year.

"Locks?" asks an incredulous Rita at her open front door. "That was the message," says the overalled man at the door, "he said he wanted some locks changed, it were dead urgent so could I come round straight away". No, says Rita, nowt like that needs doing here, must be at the Rovers. the man tugs his cap at her and heads down the street as Rita's mind wrestles with this strange turnup.

Kevin confides in Martin, as he locks up the garage for the holiday, that he is dreading the rest of the day, he's promised to take the girls to Santa's grotto and afterwards for a burger, this is supposed to be a treat for Rosie's birthday. Being lads they try to outdo each other - Martin's day is worse, he thinks, because he has a wedding anniversary with Audrey and Alf to face. Kevin can cap this though. "You're not getting a divorce from your missus - spending the day being nice to her in front of the kids when all you want to do is wring her neck!" Martin concedes that this is indeed worse, and offers to buy Kevin a pint. But no, Kevin can't, he's got to get the girls ready.

Rita is wondering out loud to Vicky why Alec is having the locks changed. Vicky has no idea - all he said at breakfast was how the Duckworths going to Blackpool was the last straw. The penny drops...

Maxine is sitting at the bar in the Rovers, when Greg oozes up to her, offering to pay for her drink. Maxine plays hard to get. Greg turns it on a bit harder, he has a lot to apologise for, he says, and the drink is just a starter. Maxine is prepared to accept the drink but otherwise she's not co-operating. So far.

At the other end of the bar, Betty is serving Gary with a drink, he's presumably torn himself away from his teddy bear, the great softy! (I like softness in a man!). "So you're not a father yet then?" asks Betty, "Tell Judy she's in our thoughts". Les is still looking for new people to whine to and takes his chance with Gary - "Well at least she'll be luckier than me, at least he won't have Florence Nightingale" (here he tilts his head towards the Platts who are sitting in the background) "over there looking after her. That Platt - 'e nearly did for me when I was in".

Gary: "Were you having a baby?" (I like dry wit in a man too)

The Platts are discussing Christmas arrangements with Deirdre. They are having a quiet family Christmas, well, says Martin, no doubt with half an eye on Les, as quiet as they can manage. Deirdre has her mother coming, she doesn't seem very happy at the prospect. Her main concern is that Mum hasn't said when she's going.

Les is still whining to Gary at the bar about the mishap. "It could have destroyed half my brain cells - how would they know?"

Gary: Well, they wouldn't, would they?" (You know, I'm getting to like Gary a lot) He asks if he can take his pint home - whether he feels he needs to be with Judy or whether he can't wait to get away from Les isn't clear, or indeed whether he's been separated from his bear for too long.

As he leaves, Rita comes in, looking for Alec. It's a bit private, she says, can she go through to the back? Which is what she does. Finding our handyman singing to himself as he changes the lock on the external door, and Alec descending the staircase with full bin bags.

"Alec, what are you doing?" she demands. He's lost his good natured way now. "I'm up to my neck trying to run this place as best I can," he snaps, "considering half my staff's gone swanning off to the seaside. Why, Rita wants to know, is he having the locks changed? Alec shuffles uneasily. "Oh, that's security! Old adage in the licensed trade - 'Spring and Autumn change your clocks, every few years, change your locks'". Not surprisingly, the handyman has never heard this one before. Are they into locks then, he asks, only every time he sees them they're having locks changed. Or knocking holes in walls. Perhaps it's a shared interest - was it something that brought them together?

Clearly irritated, Alec indicates to Rita that he wants to talk about it later - it's a delicate matter. But Rita has already guessed the game. "So you're locking them out at Christmas?" Christmas, Easter, Chinese New Year, they're all the same to him as he stomps off.

Betty comes to see what's going on. What, Rita asks her, is the name of the people Jack and Vera are staying with?

"'Orton. With a hapostrophe"

And conveniently, the phone number is in the address book, close by.

Greg is escorting Maxine from the pub. The silly girl appears to have fallen victim to Greg's smooth talking and has now mellowed somewhat. Greg suggests calling round for a Christmas drink; she coyly suggests he doesn't know where she is, but he tells her he's heard from a little bird that she's taken the flat over the salon. At this point something distracts Greg - a shifty looking man in a sheepskin coat is taking a close interest in his car. "OI, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" he shouts. "Mr Kelly is it?" asks the repo man, for such he is. He'd like Greg's keys but he's taking the car whether he gives them or not.

We cut to Sally, Kevin and the girls leaving for Santa's grotto. Kevin stares at the scene being played out up the street, as Sally averts her eyes. "What's going on with lover-boy?" he asks.

Greg shouts "HEY, THIS IS YOUR DOING IS IT?" demands Greg at high volume. But Kevin just glares back at him as Sally and the girls get in the car. "Take it!" says Greg to the repo man, as he turns and storms back into the Rovers. "So," says the repo man to Maxine, winking and smacking his lips, "whose Christmas tree did you fall off, darling?". But Maxine just scowls at him.

Close-up of a hall table in Blackpool, naff tortoiseshell phone off the hook, Christmas cards and ornaments. Tilt to mirror above the table, and the reflection of Vera picking up the phone. It's Rita on the other end: "Vera, I think there's something you ought to know. Alec's turfing you out of the Rovers, he's moved all your stuff out and he's changed the lock.

Dramatic pan from reflected Vera to real-life Vera, disbelief all over her face. "Say that again?" she says.

I N T E R M I S S I O N

Jack and Vera are having a crisis meeting in their room. He can't do that, says Jack, they're sitting tenants. Sitting ducks, more like. they'll have to go back, even though they've just got there. As Vera observes, "Do you want to be like the baby Jesus, sleeping in a stable, just 'cos we can't get back into 'us own pub?"

Gary is in the corner shop, buying cans of beer. "So these are not to wet the baby's head?" asks Maude. "I don't know, it depends, if they hang about any longer I might have supped 'em." After exchanging Christmas greetings with Maude he leaves, just as Fred arrives.

Is everybody ready for the big draw? Maude pushes the box of ticket stubs to Fred. "THE ONE YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! TIME TO PUT THE WAITING MILLIONS OUT OF THEIR MISERY". What waiting millions, Maude wants to know. And Ashley thinks it looks fishy making the draw themselves, "Folks'll think it's been fixed!" As if Fred would stoop to such a thing. Well, this is heresy. That sort of talk is for "TRAITORS AND FIFTH-COLUMNISTS - WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS DRAW PROPER!". Anybody who wants to observe can do so - but as Ashley points out, there are only the three of them. Also to Ashley's disgust, Fred makes it plain he's doing the draw himself, as the promoter, the only one not entitled to a ticket, and hence "THAT MEANS I'M THE ONLY ONE GUARANTEED TO BE IMPARTIAL". Maude is heard to mutter "That's a load of codology!"

But to save the day, or maybe not, Leanne enters, dragging Nick in tow. Nick, tongue-tied, delicately asks Ashley for a favour but positive and confident Leanne eases him aside and puts it to Ashley straight - they've decided to go to neither set of parents for Christmas dinner, can they join Ashley instead. This pleases Ashley, and Maude too, so a good arrangement all round.

However, after this little distraction we now see that Fred is waving aloft a raffle ticket, bellowing "ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE". Of course nobody, not Maude, not Ashley, not Leanne or Nick, not the viewer, has actually seen Fred draw the ticket, but he's impervious to demands for a redraw. Indignantly he tells them "YOU CAN'T HAVE A DRAW TWICE, NOT UNTIL THE OWNER OF THIS 'AS 'AD A CHANCE TO CLAIM 'ER PRIZE" (hurriedly he covers up) "OR 'IS PRIZE, WE DON'T KNOW THE WINNER YET, DO WE?". And he laughs feebly.

Over afternoon tea, Rita and Vicky are chatting about Vicky's plans. Alec, meanwhile, is agitated, distracted and smoking heavily. What would they have him do, he suddenly interjects. "Let them carry on on t'payroll till they've bankrupted me?" What, he demands, would Vicky do if landed with a couple of deadlegs?

Rita appeals to Vicky's compassion, as a row brews. Would she tell them to their faces or just throw their things out while they were on holiday?. Alec reminds Rita that he'd tried before, but "some misguided philanthropist spoke up on their behalf". Rita denies being either misguided or a philanthropist, but doesn't like seeing folk taken advantage of. Alec protests that he's been taken for granted. And Vicky is left embarrassed by the whole quarrel.

Kevin, Sally and the girls are back from Santa. It has obviously not gone well. Kevin tells the girls to go and change into their play clothes. Sally thinks they're fine as they are. Kevin asserts his authority and demands to know who does the washing and runs the house? Rosie asks if Mum is coming tomorrow. Kevin snaps that it's up to her. Sally tries to be soothing, of course she will, she'll be around for when they open their presents. But it's a frosty Christmas in the Webster house. She's doing her best. But Kevin keeps whining on about how she comes and goes as she pleases, and they are expected to be grateful if she can spare them a couple of minutes. Sally would give the girls 24 hours if she was allowed. "Now lover-boy has left," Kevin snaps back. "And what was all this with the car? Been repossessed?" Nothing to do with you, ripostes Sally. She turns to go. He shouts after her "It would be nice if you called round tomorrow - remind us of what it used to be like before you went and ruined everything. HAPPY CHRISTMAS!"

Audrey and Alf, Gail and Martin are washing down their anniversary dinner in the Rovers. (A child's birthday, a wedding anniversary, on Christmas Eve, the legacy of bygone Christmas specials). Alf is not looking or acting at all well. "Thirty years we've been married," he reminisces, predictably. "Doesn't seem like it, does it?" Leaving Audrey to ask the obvious "And how do you mean - it seems longer or shorter?". Alf puts his arm round Audrey's shoulder and kisses her affectionately, just as Fred enters, demanding attention as ever - he's about to announce the raffle winner. Tightwad Alf hopes they haven't wasted money on the raffle, but Audrey thinks she might just have bought the odd one "Oh yes," she exclaims excitedly as she pulls a blue ticket from her handbag.

Fred smirks on as Deirdre, at the bar, introduces her mother, Blanche, to Alec. Alec struggles for a surname. "Mrs Hunt", as it happens. But Deirdre's Mum can forgive Alec for wondering, given the number of names her daughter's got through. "Rachid, is it still? You never changed it to Lindsay did you?". NO! says Deirdre, emphatically. "Well, let's be grateful for that" says Mum.

Fred still wants attention. "EXCUSE ME INNKEEPER! DO YOU MIND IF I MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT?"

"I've never heard you do owt else Fred", replies Alec.

Amazingly, the winning ticket belongs to Audrey. She affects surprise, anyway. "I say, what a bit of luck!" she says. "I'd say luck didn't come into it" mutters Martin. Fred goes through an elaborate ritual of checking the ticket while Ashley, looking very embarrassed, stands by holding the hamper and looking the other way, earning one of Fred's best withering looks. "WAKE UP ASHLEY, GIVE 'ER THE 'AMPER!"

Leanne drags Nick into the pub, where they split up to put their new plans to respective parents. Janice is disappointed, Les gets truculent, believing "it's them sticking their oar in", and rising with fists ready, only to be quietly restrained by Leanne. Nick, too, is met with disappointment - maybe, says Martin, they could pop round for a drink. But Gail is truculent too - "And we all know who's responsible for that, don't we? The same man that's responsible for you being suspended from your job".

Alf has spotted an opportunity, does this mean two spare places for Christmas dinner at the Platt's? In which case, how about Audrey and him coming round and bringing the hamper. Of course, they'd be very welcome. Well, that's Fred's plans scuppered, as Audrey well knows, and Audrey looks around anxiously.

Fred, meanwhile, is defending himself against charges of fraud from Maude and Ashley, he swears his conscience is clear, it was all open and above board. Audrey comes over, to be smothered in congratulations. "THERE COULDN'T BE A MORE POPULAR WINNER!" "Popular wi' you!" mutters Maude. Audrey breaks her news of the new arrangement and scurries off, leaving Fred open-mouthed but silent for once. Maude rubs it in. "Oh dear," she mutters darkly, "I suppose she hasn't come through with her side of the bargain!". Fred can only look on in abject defeat.

Judy's twins have conferred, they are not planning to miss out on Christmas after all. Judy is lying on the sofa gasping while Gary holds a watch, timing the contractions. Every twelve minutes now - he'll give the hospital a ring. No, says Judy, leave it till it's down to 10 minutes. But Gary is going to the phone anyway. So she says phone a taxi before calling the hospital. But there are no taxis - all booked - it's Christmas after all.

Somebody's found a taxi though, it's there, outside the Rovers. Out step Vera and Jack, planning to burst in and go straight upstairs before anybody can stop them. As the taxi starts to move off, the figure of Gary comes sprinting down the street crying "TAXI!!!". He gets it in time, and is overheard by Vera, to her delight, telling the cabbie that his wife's about to have a baby. But Jack prods Vera on, there's no time for that, he says.

Inside the Rovers, Deirdre's Mum is remarking on what a slow drinker her daughter is, as she orders another vodka. And at that moment, Jack and Vera come bursting through the room and behind the bar before Alec can stop them. He wants a word with them - they're not stopping! But they have other ideas, and are out back and up the stairs smartly. Vera instructs Jack to get the wardrobe from the spare room to use as a barricade, as she menaces Alec with her handbag. "We've had enough talking - if you want rid of us you'll have to use force!".

And Alec, like Fred, looks defeated as the credits roll.

Not at all bad, not one of the greats I guess but a very funny episode, it's always nice to see the likes of Fred and Alec get their comeuppance. The feuding of the Battersbys and the Platts is getting very tedious now and the Sally saga grinds on, lets hope it won't be too much longer. But well done, whoever wrote it. The closing credits name Peter Whalley as scriptwriter but the Radio Times gives the writer as Martin Allen. Who do I believe?

And the accolade for this week - go on Rosie, you always give it to a woman. But it's a man's turn this week. Roy Barraclough? Well, he was very good, but I just find Alec too distasteful. No, I'm going to be controversial this week; step forward to receive the laurel, Ian Mercer, just because you *were* very good this week and because I've taken a shine to Gary this Christmas. If I can't have my Curly then I'll be happy to find Gary in my stocking!

Anyway, all that's left to me for this episode and for 1998 is to wish you all

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR

Love, Peace and Happiness, Rosalind


Friday 25 December

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update.... Well, it's been a hectic week, with Christmas and one thing and another.

Party mood for me started on Monday last week, when we went to see Rod Stewart in concert. The lad was suffering with a throat infection, so he had cancelled the previous day's concert, later held on the Tuesday. Trude and I were both recovering from colds at the same time, so both of us had fingers crossed that all would be OK for the Monday night. After a bit of a shaky start, once he got into the rhythm of things, the show really moved and it became another of those great nights that was thoroughly enjoyable and will be remembered for years to come. As I mentioned a few weeks back, when we saw Elton John in concert, it's when you see these top notch performers that you realise how they have stayed at the top for all these years. A truly class act. Also reassuring for me, was the rocking nutter that Trude sat next to, made me look tame, so hopefully Trude will realise she got off lightly marrying me!!! LOL!!!

Christmas itself was the usual family affair. Trude gets the dinner going, with me doing some of the initial spadework and I gradually take over as the morning rolls along to give her a break. We thoroughly enjoy hosting and the routine of having both families over is one which we have now done for everyone of the 21 years we've been married... so the task isn't daunting at all.

The sad part, is that over the years, the numbers have diminished. Up until 1989, when both Trude's and my dad died, we had at least 8 for dinner, including a friend of Trude's parents who was an honorary aunty. Nowadays, it's Trude's mum and mine, Simon and the two of us. Christmas is very much a time for the youngsters and the appeal is largely lost when they are Simon's age. The standard routine involves me doing the ferrying of the grannies, plying them with vast quantities of booze and hoping that this dulls the senses. My boozing starts late in the evening after I've taken them all home!!! All went well this year, without any mishaps fortunately.... We all live another year to tell the tale...

Classic Corrie on satellite was very enjoyable with some great Christmas moments on the street revisited. More on this in future updates. Also enjoyable was "This is Your Life" broadcast last night (27th December) featuring Anne Kirkbride aka Deirdre Rachid. I don't think I've particularly been a Deirdre fan over the years, but thinking back she has had some fine moments in the show, probably the most memorable being the triangle with Ken and Mike in the 80s and, of course, the Jon Lindsay escapade earlier this year. A lovely lady in real life and a very enjoyable show.

Finally, some great moments with my IRC friends... you lot have really made the difference to me this year and your love and affection is something I treasure. Last night stands out as a really good fun leg-pull session at my expense, chief instigators being Jubblyjub (Jacky), Amom (Lorraine) and Sasparilla (Anita).... You really are a hilarious lot, I thought I was gonna die with laughter... all this for free, as well.... To all of my friends, through my updates and on IRC, bless you and thanks for everything...

This was a double length episode - accordingly, it is somewhat longer than my normal meagre efforts!! Hahahahahahahah! Should any Update readers have problems receiving this update in its entirety due to message length restrictions, please e-mail me and I will post out the update in two halves (well it would hardly be three, would it???)......

The episode commences upstairs at the Rovers. Viewers will recall the pantomime in the previous episode, where Alec aka Scrooge, had decided to evict the Duck-eggs only they came back early from Blackpool, having been prompted by the Big Red One that summat was afoot. So there they are tucked up in bed, with a furious Alec downstairs, determined to get rid of them. It's 4 am and Jack's belly thinks its throat has been cut, so that's why he is going downstairs. Vera feels that Alec will be lying in wait for him, but Jack is more optimistic, "'appen he'll have tuk 'imslef off 'ome," he says. He's gonna do a raid on the kitchen and is reminded by Vera not to forget about her "and a couple of bottles of stout from the bar", she adds. "And I can nip out and get you a Chinese takeaway" he adds, sarcastically. The irony is lost on Vera.

Jack goes out of the bedroom and starts his sneaky descent downstairs. At the foot of the stairs, Alec is asleep, but lying in wait, for sign of the Duckworths. Jack stumbles into the early warning system set up by Alec on the stairs. A whole load of cans comes crashing down and it's a miracle that Jack isn't on top of the pile.

The ensuing commotion rouses Alec from his slumbers who announces proudly "Ah, gotcha!" "Got me! I could have fell down these stairs and killed me damn self" replies an angry Jack, to which Alec's classic riposte is "Not you. You'd have cocked it up like you normally do!!" Alec warns both the Duckies that they are trespassing on his property and he wants them out of there right now. An angry Vera tells him that they aren't going as it is their home. "Was, Vera, was. But you're fired! The accommodation went with the jobs", Alec tells them. It's Jack's turn to show his anger as he accuses Alec of not having the nerve to dismiss them face to face, he had to wait until they were away, to stab them in their backs. "Yeah, you rat! At Christmas and all, while we were visiting our little Tommy" adds Vera. "Well, take me to a tribunal! See what good that does you?" bluffs Alec, "I'll testify. Oh, my word, I will! I'll tell 'em what a dead loss you were as workers! Idle, shifty and incompetent!" to which Vera responds "well, nobody's perfect, are they?" ROTFLMAO. She volunteers to try a bit harder, but Alec announces it is too late, his patience is exhausted, he wants them out right now. He storms upstairs but is repelled by Vera (sic). Vera tells him "Go on. Cos that's what you need, a lavvy brush! Yes, you little short-house!" (mental note, new pair of glasses for Liz Dawn when she's reading the scripts, "short arse" shirley ;-)?? With that they retreat back to their bedroom. Alec is incensed and promises "Right! Right! If that's the way you want it. from now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy."

Judeh is at t'hospital. She has just been given an epidural injection but she isn't sure whether she should have had it. One of the midwives tells her that she had an epidural for both her babies and that Judeh will be glad of it in due course, as she has some hard work ahead of her. "That's why they call it labour" she adds!! Gareh is alongside Judeh, offering support - well, let's face it fellas, not a lot left for us to do, is there? "How are you feeling, luv?" he asks, to which he gets the predictable "how do you think?" response! Ah well, ya tried!! She confides she is frightened, she wishes her mam were here - never mind, but he is there, he tells her. Another wave of childbirth pain hits her and the midwife reminds her to put her breathing exercises into force. (Back at the Ranch, Trude's mum, who has had her Christmas dinner with us, is watching the show. She is squirming uncomfortably and I recall a similar situation, a few years back, when we were all watching the episode of "Only Fools and Horses" where Del Boy's wife is going through childbirth. Even though there was nothing in that programme to cause offence during pre-watershed viewing, mother-in-law, who is very prudish, was thoroughly disgusted by the spectacle and expressed the view that such "filth" should not be shown on television. So, while watching Corrie, you know what's coming next from her.... and it does!! She is shuffling and huffing and puffing to show her discontent. Any time there is a scene which causes her discomfort, she insists on whittering and starting up a conversation to distract us from the proceedings.)

At Rita's place, Sally has heard Rita moving about, so she is up making a drink for her. Having said that, she didn't know whether Rita was coming back, when she realised that Rita had gone through to Alec's flat - she thought maybe Rita had gone to give him his Christmas presents. Rita tells her that she went to see whether Alec was there, but he wasn't. "Not there? Half past four in the morning?" Sally exclaims. "Must still be at the Rovers" surmises Rita. "Sleeping there, knowing him, so he can keep tabs on Jack and Vera." She is at a loss as to what to do with Alec and contrasts the change in Alec's behaviour to when she was ill herself, he couldn't have been kinder - now, here he is, plotting to put Jack and Vera out on the street. She apologises for waking Sally, but Sally owns up, she was awake anyway - thinking of the girls. They have never had a Christmas like this before, them over the other side of the street, her on this side, thinking about what she has been missing.

Back at the Duckworth residence, Jack is cold. Vera tells him to get back into bed, she offers to warm him up. That look of horror we know so well hits Jack's face, when he is threatened with nookie with the missus!! "Vera, I'm cold and I'm hungry! I'm not flaming desperate" is his riposte. Vera decides she is going to put on her winter coat, but when she goes to the wardrobe, she finds it is empty. They realise that Gilroy is behind all this. The only clothes they have, are what they took off last night. "Nil desperandum, Vera" proclaims Jack, they still have the case she packed for Blackpool. On opening it, he comes across some sexy black underwear and asks what it is. Vera admits it is her new nightie. "You can see right through it!" exclaims Jack. (Reminds me of the time, about 30 years back, when my mum got a job at an Italian restaurant and complained to me about the poor lighting... doh!!) Well, she decided, what with it being Christmas and them going away together...... Jack wonders why, in that case, she didn't pack a carton of cigs and a few bags of crisps (obviously not a devotee of www.maturebabes.com). Hurt at being rejected, she tells him not to pick on her, in any case, it's all his fault. "My fault? It's your fault, you keep winding him up and then rubbing his flaming nose in it, having Christmas off" he replies. The argument degenerates as recriminations abound - if he were a real man, someone Alec respected, Vera says, then Alec wouldn't dare treat them the way he does.

Rita is doing her best to cheer up Sally, who is missing her kids, "I bet they wake early, Christmas morning, eh?" (great Canadian impression, Rita :)). "Oh yeah, crack of dawn" reminisces Sally, "Sophie will come running down them stairs - 'Has he been? Has he been?' And they won't open anything, [eh??????????] they just have a look what they've got, you know and then they'll wait for me and Kevin to come down and.... Well, that's what it used to be. And it'll be the same this year, cos Kevin has promised they won't open their presents until I get there." Clearly, despite her attempts to persuade herself otherwise, she is upset. Rita expresses the view that, at least they are both trying to be civilised with each other. The realisation of what Sally has lost starts to hit her - no home, no marriage, the kids aren't with her. It will get better, consoles Rita. "It can't get any worse, I hope" replies Sally.

Back at the hospital, Judeh is at the big noises stage of labour. "Where's Gareh?" asks Judeh. "Just nipped out to the toilet" advises the midwife. He makes a hasty entrance and holds her hand. The wife tells her to push and pant. (Reminds me, when Trude's best friend, Jean, was having her son, she was advised to pant by the midwife - for them that don't know, breathing exercises help in the process of childbirth. Well, Jean, who, alongside her downstairs is one of life's biggest jokers, turns round and says to the midwife "this is no time to do dog impressions!!!"). "Yyyyeeasssssss!!!!!" screams Judeh, to be greeted with the news that the midwife can see behbeh's head.

At the Duckies', Vera is wondering how Judeh is getting on with two babies on the way, one was enough for her. All of a sudden, the unity in the camp is shattered when Jack realises that Vera is eating something - this she denies, although she admits to sucking a mint humbug - there was only the one, she found it "in the bo'om of me 'andbag, it were all fluffy". "Oh! Right! Very nice! If that's the way its gonna be, eh, eh, eh?" replies our hurt and hungry Jack, "Luke after number one. Luke, we have got no chance against Gilroy, unless we share." V - "Wot, one humbug? How can we share one humbug? Here y'are, yer mardi beggar, finish i'off. Go on! Look! All t'fluff's gone now!" J - "It'd choke me!" V - "Jack! Don't le'us fall out. Look it's bad enough, Alec Gilroy tryin' t'chuck us out on t'street without us fallin' out!" J - "Aye, yer right, Vee." V - "We're together aren't we? Whatever happens we've got each other. I've got you... and you've got me." J - "Aye, aye." V - "I know I don't tell you but... I do love you." J - "Now give over Vera, you know you embarrass me when you talk like that." V - "Well, I do love you. I know you're a waster, an idle sod, a shirker and always looking at other women." J - "Who? Who?" V - "You! ..... but you know, if I had my life to live over again, I'd still pick you." Awwwww!! Nice warm fuzzy feelings all round!!

Judeh is reaching her crescendo in the hospital. Yyyessssss!! Yesssss!! One more heave and a second later, we hear the scream of the latest addition to the Street. "Got a little boy, Jude" says RGareh. Gareh picks him up and passes him to Judeh.

At this stage, mother-in-law is telling me IRL, that men shouldn't be allowed in the ante-natal room, as a nursing sister friend of hers told her they only got in the way, passing out and the like. Brief exchange of words while I tell her, that's as may be, but we're just there to offer moral support and keep a watching eye on the job we started off nine months ago. Silence!! For once!!! Much emotion back at the hospital.

At the Rovers, Alec is at the foot of the stairs, trying to instigate the next stage of his cunning plan to oust the Duckworths. "Jack? Vera? I know you can hear me. Look, you're wasting your time just as much as mine. Keep this up and you'll end up in th'hands of bobbies. Well, come on! You might speak!"

Nothing!!! Undeterred, he continues, adopting a softer tone of voice. "Now, now see, see. Call me a sentimental old fool, if you like, but seeing as it's Christmas, I'm willing to do the decent thing. You come down here and walk out quietly and that'll be the end of the matter."

Still nothing! "Well? Right! Right! You want to play silly beggars? Right, fair enough, from now on, the gloves are off! And don't say you haven't been give a chance!"

Pause for a few seconds, then, in smarm-mode, "I'm going to get the frying pan on now!! Bacon and eggs for me, this merry Yuletide."

At the hospital, RGareh is holding Mallett Junior, Mark 1, "allo son" he is saying, "ahm yer dad" (I sure hope so, folks!!!). Hey! I wonder when we're gonna be treated to the sounds of RFred greeting the youngster with his "'ello little baby" quote? Judeh is making loud noises again, slowly working up to climax number two. The midwife is telling her that she knows she is tired but "you've got to keep going." She mustn't let it go on too long - she is told to pant and push again. They might have to consider a caesarean operation, they tell Gareh, as Judeh is getting quite tired, they will see how she gets on over the next few minutes.

Back upstairs at the Rovers, Vera is wondering, there must be something they can do, both are short on ideas. Her concern is that Alec will get his solicitors on the job and they will end up with the mucky end of the stick, as usual. They might as well give in, she concedes. "Never! I'd rather starve than give into that man!" is Jack's defiant cry. Asked what they are going to do about it, Jack's fighting demeanour goes down a notch or two, "Forget about it. I'll think of summat."

Vera isn't impressed, "You'll think of summat? Is that all you can say?"

J - "No! At this moment in time, I would like to say... 'Merry Flaming Christmas!!!'"

Another heave and it's another behbeh for Gareh and Judeh, this time, a daughter. "A gurl, is she okeh?" asks Yorkie Bar. Judging by the sound coming from Mallett Junior Mark II's lungs, yep she is - what's more, behbeh will have her mum's vocal finesse. The consensus is that Judeh has two beautiful behbehs. Congratulations all round and "Merry Christmas" from Gareh to Judeh, closes the scene...

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at Kevin's place. Sally has just come round, apologising for her late arrival to be greeted with "look what Father Christmas has brought me" and "come and see what I've got, mum." The realisation that the kids have opened their presents without her, upsets Sally (Come on, lass!! Wake up!! What do you expect?) and she vents her frustration at Kevin "but we agreed they wouldn't open their presents 'til I got here." The explanation that the kids kept mithering cuts no ice with her, until Kevin points out she had promised to be there first thing and it's now 9 o'clock and the kids have been out of bed for ages. She explains that she couldn't get to sleep until 6, but Kevin's response is that he didn't know that - in any case, the girls couldn't wait. When he makes out that he thought she had changed her mind about coming, this sets Sally off into a tirade. "As if I would!" She wonders why he is being so nasty, but his response is that he doesn't see that, maybe she's the nasty one, after all, she has had lessons from Greg Kelly, hasn't she? The kids come back into the room to tell Sally that they have a present for her, as we get a taster of the nasty side of marital breakdown, where the youngsters are used as pawns in a game of one-upmanship.

It's pressie time at the Battersby's too. Toyah opens hers to find a computer game - she is disappointed, voicing her preference for an encyclopaedia. Les cannot understand her reaction, after all "You wanna bit of fun, don't ya? That's the latest game. All the rage. Cost a bomb" he tells her. She knows this, but would still have preferred an encyclopaedia, she replies. "Give over! you wanna live a lickle. Give it here! I'll play with it if you don't wannit." Janice has just opened her pressie and she is delighted - so is Les, "at last! Somebody who likes her present." She recognises that it cost a bob or two and is even more surprised when Les insists that he bought it, the days of getting stuff that have fallen off the back of a lorry are long gone, he tells her. She's worth is he tells her, announcing that they are about to hit the big time. Toyah explains that this is the compensation money that Les has in mind. His brain goes into overdrive as he envisages it coming to "half a million, after what they put me through." Janice is concerned that Les is spending the money they need to love on day-to-day money, but he doesn't share her fears. He turns to Greg, who has been sitting quietly in a corner and tells him that he hasn't had a chance of getting him a present, but when the "compo comes through, we'll go into business, you and me." Greg looks pleased at this, at least, I think he does. Janice asks Greg what he is doing - he tells her he is wrapping a present for Maxine. "Oh," replies Janice, "I thought you were broke." "Well, I am, temporarily" says lover-boy, "but this, is an investment" - what a heart that guy has!

Alec is on the phone to the Police and it is clear that he is getting nowhere fast. His raised voice is telling the sergeant that he pays his council tax, he is a friend of the Chief Constable and he is entitled to some law and order. A knock on the door temporarily diverts him from his mission - it is Betty. Somewhat irritated, he asks where her key is and she tells him that it doesn't fit anymore because he has changed all the locks. He gets back to the job of trying to enlist police support by telling the sergeant at the other end of the phone that he has squatters on his premises, they have barricaded themselves in. Evidently, the police are not interested and Alec slams the phone down. "That's marvellous", he says "see my solicitor." Meanwhile, Betty is standing alongside him, trying to take in what has been happening. When she asks whether he has had a break-in, his reply is "I've had the Duckworths, that's what I've had! And I've had them... up to here! They come back from Blackpool, rush upstairs and say they're not shifting." Betty points out there is no reason for them to do so, as they live here. "Was! Betty! Was! Until they pushed me too far! They're fired, Betty and for very good reason. And if I find out who it was who tipped them off, they'll be fired and all" replies Alec.

At that stage, Vera's dulcet tomes come wafting down the stairs. "Hey Gilroy, yer thieving article, what've you done with our belongings?" Alec tells her that they are in a safe place, in storage and they can be collected once they have come down and cleared off. "Oh and by the way, the police are coming to get you out of there, with police dogs and tear gas" he lies. Muttering "that'll sort her out" he goes to get the bar ready.

Betty whispers to Vera that the police are not coming, they are not interested. Just then Alec comes back with a quick message "and another thing Betty, no fraternising with the Duckworths. Nobody is giving them aid or comfort in the way of food and drink. And if I find out who does, they'll be fired and all."

Her delivery done, Judeh is about to be taken up to the ward. She is anxious as to whether the behbehs need feeding but the midwife assures her she will be told when that needs doing. She asks whether they have any names in mind. When Gareh tells her that the names they had in min just don't seem right, the midwife suggests something Christmassy. "What? Like Noel or Carol or Rudolph? I don't think so" replies Gareh. "No rush, we've got them down as "Baby Mallett number one" and Baby Mallett number two" says the nurse. Gareh launches into a gushing speech of admiration to Judeh, telling her how wonderful she was, how proud he is, how he loves her very much and how glad he is that he could be here for her, he didn't feel useless, he will never forget tonight, not if he lives to be a thousand. Predictably, Judeh has fallen asleep and missed every word. Pah!! The midwife tells him to let her sleep, she has earned it and that he ought to go home and get some sleep himself. He agrees to do so, but doesn't think he'll be able to sleep, he feels like celebrating. "Tell you what though? When Judy brings the twins home, you'll not get much sleep. Get it while you can" is her final piece of advice.

At Ashley's place, Leanne and Nick are having a cosy tête-à-tête - he is recalling last Christmas, with all the cloak and dagger stuff, and she is all lovey-dovey about this being their first proper Christmas together. "So," he says "do you want your present now or later?" She decides "I'll have it now and again later." They get up off the settee. She asks Ashley what the great smell is, coming from the kitchen. "Turkey and I'm doing the full monty" he replies. He has some news to share with them, Uncle Fred will be joining them for Christmas dinner. Leanne reckons she's going to need a few drinks before Fred gets here.

Enter Les and Janice, full of season's greetings, especially Les. He tells them that Janice and he would like them to come round to their house for Christmas dinner. Hot on their heels, enter Gail, asking the two lovebirds to reconsider, as well. Ooops!! Slightly uncomfortable scene, Platt vs. Battersby eyeing each other up. Leanne makes it clear that they are not going to anyone else's house - they are staying right there for dinner.

At the Rovers, the lunchtime shift, in the form of Natalie and Lorraine are coming on duty, to join Betty. After the exchange of Christmas greetings, Betty tells Natalie that Jack and Vera are still upstairs, barricaded in. Natalie expresses concern that the way Alec is going about it, he will end up with a heart attack.

As she goes off to have a word with Alec, Betty expresses the wish that Lorraine is keeping an eye on Natalie, so soon after her bereavement.

As Natalie goes through to the back, we see Alec at the foot of the stairs salivating "Onion gravy over the roast potatoes, rashers of streaky bacon over the turkey breast, Christmas pudding and brandy sauce." He is trying to lure Jack and Vera down, "call it bait if you like." He calls to Vera that he will stand them the finest feed if they come down. Natalie is horrified that the Duckworths are still upstairs not having had anything to eat. "They can eat all they like, once they have left my premises" proclaims Scrooge Gilroy. When Natalie asks if there is a chance of patching up the row, Alec is vehement - he has been provoked beyond mortal endurance by them, "there isn't room in this pub for them and me" he yells up the stairs. Natalie tells Alec to calm down, he'll burst a blood vessel. He recognises the wisdom of the advice and realises that "superior cunning" is what will win the battle. "Vera", he calls seductively, "think about a nice plump turkey, sizzling hot, crammed with tasty stuffing."

The idyllic scene is shattered by the raucous voice of Vera, now at the top of the stairs, telling him "Yes, well you know what you can do with your stuffing."

Vera goes back into the bedroom to tell Jack what she has just said to Alec, "Here I told him what he can do, we're not beat yet, love." "Well said, my little log-weed flower" is Jack's appreciative reply, "and we've got nowt to eat, nowt to smoke, the only thing we've got to drink is tap water!! But are we downhearted? You bet your flamin' life, we are!" Looking out of the window he sees Les Battersby in the street.

He opens the window and calls down to Les. He tells him that Alec is trying to starve them out. "Have you got any fags on you?" he asks. "Ooh, err, I don't know about that, Jack" replies Les, with ciggie in his mouth. He relents, "it IS Christmas, innit" and chucks a packet up to Jack, "big-hearted Battersby, that's what they used to call me at school." With the exhortation not to let the beggars grind you down, he sets off on his way, but before he can do so, he is joined by Ken Barlow, coming out of his house. "Oh I thought it was you when I heard the shouting" is his seasonal greeting to Les. "Look Barlow, it's Christmas! Right? So don't push it! Jack and Vera are up there, trapped in their bedroom, no food, no nothing, trying to cling onto their own, while Gilroy starves them out."

Audreh and Alf have arrived at the Platt's for Christmas dinner. Sarah Lou and David are outside greeting them and showing off their presents. He has a new bike and she has roller blades. Audreh hugs and kisses them and enters the house.

Inside, Gail and Martin greet Audreh - she asks them to give Alf a hand with her hamper. She is carrying large boxes presents herself. A medicinal gin and tonic is what she has in mind. Enter Martin with hamper, closely followed by Alf. Martin opens up the hamper and comments on the fancy contents, figs in brandy, frogs legs.... Audrey tells them that it's a very good hamper and is worth at least £150, according to Fred Elliott. Alf is irritated by Fred "he's got a nerve has that fella. Do you know, he tried to invite himself round for Christmas dinner, just because she's won the raffle. He seems to think she's obligated." Audrey cannot think why that should be so, maintaining that she has never given him the slightest encouragement. LOL!!

At the Rovers, Maud and Fred are at the bar. Maud is full of the praises of Ashley, "who else would give a toss about waifs and strays like us?" she asks. Fred doesn't seem to see himself as being in that category, he has had umpteen invites this Christmas, he has been in much demand, "but Ashley's flesh and blood, you see. So when he asked me, well.... I couldn't disappoint the lad." Maud can see through Fred and tells him "I daresay you'll end up believing all that..."

McDonald father and son are having a drink together. Jim sees Vicky walk past and comments to his son about Steve's amazing ability to love and lose a lot of pretty wee girls. Steve's riposte "well, I must obviously take after you, dad then, eh? Have you heard from mum lately" scores a bulls-eye.

Vicky is telling Alec that the Duckworths are digging in for a long siege. Alec is clearly unaware of what is going on outside and rushes out to see for himself.

Out in the street, the community spirit is in full flow. There is a ladder outside, propped up against the Duckworths' bedroom window. A human chain has formed passing food up the line to the Duckies, with Ken and Emily on the ground. Spider is at the top of the ladder, passing bacon and eggs to Jack, much to the Duckworths' appreciation. He tells them that their bird isn't cooked yet, but when it is, they are more than welcome to his share. Vera is touched by the generosity of the neighbours. "That's what friends are for" shouts Ken to her, offering a bottle of wine and two glasses, which are passed up the ladder. Raspberry crumble is Emily's contribution, much to Spider's disappointment, until Emily offers to make another one.

Alec has come out into the street. He is livid but his explanations are brushed aside by Emily. He sees them as trespassers, but Ken and Emily obviously don't view things the same way. "They are hungry, Alec" states Ken. "Yeah, call us 'Freedom from Hunger - Coronation Street branch'" proclaims Spider. Alec is annoyed because no-one knows his side of the story but Emily tells him that all they need to know is that the Jack and Vera are hungry, "it IS Christmas, you know!" When Alec tries to point out that Christmas has nothing to do with it, Emily reminds him that he is saying what was expressed rather more memorably two thousand years ago "and there was no room for them at the inn." "Cheers, Alec. Merry Christmas" is the cry from Jack. Yeah, many of 'em, you old goat!" is Vera's contribution....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 2

After the ads, it's part 3

The third part of the programme commences back in the Street outside the Rovers. Gareh is telling Jack and Vera about the birth of his children, a boy and a girl, 6 lbs. 8 oz and 6 lbs. 4 oz. The news that Judeh is tired but OK and they haven't thought of any names concludes the birth update. He suddenly wonders what Jack and Vera are doing upstairs and is given the low down on recent events.

Sally is leaving Kevin's house and saying goodbye to her daughters. It is clear that all is not well. Kevin shoos the girls back inside - always a prelude to embarrassing talk, not for their ears. Sally seems to think that she was invited for Christmas dinner. Apparently not. He doesn't want the girls getting too excited. He thinks it's best if she goes. Sally asks, for whom? For the girls or for him? Kevin's reply is "for everyone."

As he shuts the door behind her, Sally turns round and sees Greg leaving the Battersbys' house, carrying a present. He crosses over the road and goes towards Maxine's.

At the Kabin, Rita is on the phone to Mavis, just finishing her conversation. Sally's early entrance catches Rita by surprise and Sally explains what has happened. She doesn't want to have a blazing row in front of the girls, what is she to do? Rita extends the invite to join her, Alec and Vicky for Christmas dinner and this is gratefully appreciated. Sally mentions that she has just seen Greg - she is obviously perturbed by this. Rita tries to pass it off as something inevitable, in any case, she understands that he is about to be thrown out of his flat by Fred Elliott for rent arrears, so with a bit of luck, he'll be gone. Sally explains that Greg was on his way to Maxine's - he can be very persuasive, she continues, she wonders whether she should say something to Maxine to warn her. Rita recognises the tricky nature of warning people but advises Sally that if she thinks it is the right thing to do, then she should go ahead - that is why she warned the Duckworths about Alec's little plans.

Gareh is wetting the babies' heads in the pub with Jim and Steve McDonald. Jim recalls it only seems like yesterday that Steve and his brother were born, "and that was a lousy day, yesterday, wasn't it?" quips Steve. (My gawd, an amusing line from him???) Alec is serving the guys and is puzzled, Gareh appears to have over-ordered - Gareh assures him the order is correct and, with the promise of an imminent return, he picks up the two spare drinks - they are for Jack and Vera, he explains, much to Alec's annoyance.

Outside, Gareh climbs up the ladder and passes the drinks to the Duckworths. Half a lager for Vera and a pint for Jack, which are gratefully received. Alec rushes hotfoot after Gareh to tell him that drinks are only for consumption on the premises. "Once they go back through that window again, they are back on the premises again" is Gareh's reply. "And not a drop spilt" crows Jack. Les and Janice have come along and wishing Jack and Vera a Merry Christmas, they hand over their donation, two turkey legs. "Oh? Legs? I like white meat, me" announces Vera. "Never mind luv, I'll eat hers" quips Jack, before Vera thanks her for her kindness. Janice adds that there is also half a Christmas cake in the parcel, which prompts Alec to announce how disgraceful it all is. Les tells Alec to shut up and goes into his theory of the "redistribution of wealth" and with that, throws another 40 cigarettes up to the besieged. Gareh invites Les and Janice for a drink to celebrate their new arrivals this morning at 6:40 and 7:35. As they disappear, we see Alec throwing a tantrum about how the siege won't last and the novelty will wear off, folk will get fed up of feeding two parasites, just as he did.

Inside the pub, Gareh buys drinks for Les and Janice but not before Natalie claims a kiss from him.

Alec is upset at what has happened and Vicky is trying to appeal to his instincts by telling him that it's all trade, it goes in the till. It's a consoling thought, he says and then goes on to tell her how glad he is to have her with him and how alone he often feels. "But you've got Rita" replies Vicky. "Aye, that's true" is Alec's response, but somehow, you feel that his heart is not in that statement.

Deirdre's mother, Blanche, is having a drink with her daughter and with Ken. She is engaging in the parental game of slagging off your offspring. This kicks off with a putdown of the pub not getting any better - Ken looks on the bright side, at least it's not a theme pub. Blanche then shifts gear by mentioning how a friend, Mrs Lockwood's daughter married a chap who has a Country House Hotel, he buys her a new car every year. And her other daughter married a doctor, they have a lovely big house. Both Ken and Deirdre feel uncomfortable at the way Blanche is talking and Ken gets up to order some more drinks. Blanche comes to the point - Deirdre has married a good few times "but never, what you would call, well." She supposes Ken was the nearest Deirdre came and that wasn't very close. (What is it about aged mothers that gives them the right to talk to their kids this way? Trude's mum has her own style - the way she compliments Trude on her smart appearance is done in such a backhanded way that the unspoken "for a change" shouts at you from afar!!)

Deirdre's embarrassment continues as she is espied by Jackie Dobbs. Scouse Slagette sees Dee with her mum and comes over to introduce herself. "Has she told you about sharing her cell with me in the nick together?" is her starter for ten. "No, I haven't got round to that, yet" replies the discomforted Deirdre. "Oh, you'll wet yerself" continues Jackie and seeing Ken at the bar, goes off to scrounge a drink off him. "It's not just your husband, it's your friends. Oh, it must be nice to have a daughter you can swank about" is Blanche's cutting finale.

Sally has come into the pub with Rita and orders the drinks. Alec comes to the bar and Rita asks when he would like dinner to be served. As it is awkward talking openly in publicly, he asks her to come through to the back.

As she does so, we see Greg having a drink with Maxine.

In the back, Alec is explaining how the Duckworths are squatting upstairs, having barricaded themselves in. He explains his quandary, he cannot leave the pub with the Duckworths on the premises - there is no telling what they might do, they could drink the bar dry, smash the place up. He cannot take the chance and the problem is that half the idiots round here are on their side. He tells Rita that somebody tipped them off and phoned Blackpool - he thinks it was Betty, in which case, as soon as he gets the Duckworths out, then she will get her cards as well. Rita has made a few unsuccessful attempts to tell him that she was responsible for the phone call and this time she gets her message across. Alec is totally astounded at Rita's revelation.

Greg gets up to order more drinks and while he does so, Sally takes the opportunity to come over and warn Maxine about him. Her words fall on deaf ears. Sally tells her that, quite apart from being beaten by Greg on three separate occasions, he took a lot of money off her. Maxine's reaction is that Sally is laying it on a bit thick, purely out of spite. Sally tells her that Greg uses people and her guess is that he is going to try to move in with her into the flat she is renting from Audrey Roberts. He owes Fred Elliott months of back rent - any day now, he is going to be evicted. Maxine still doesn't want to hear this and tells Sally to go away.

In the back, the row between Rita and Alec is escalating. Alec is bitterly hurt at being stabbed in the back by Rita, of all people. On the other hand, Rita is telling him that his treatment of Jack and Vera was not right, it was underhand, mean and nasty. That is like a red rag to a bull for Alec - he doesn't see why he should have to put up with them, no matter how idle or awkward they are. Rita feels that he should be straight with them and that escalates matters further. Alec tells her he confided in her as a partner, they were thinking of getting married, that's how he thought of them, he thought he could rely on her. He is disgusted, he never thought he would be betrayed by her. He accuses her of never being on his side over anything - the gas that she nearly died of, obviously turned her brain, that's the kindest explanation he can find. Rita's reply is even more hurtful when she says that, yes, it must have turned her brain to make her think he could improve and be a half right decent person. That is the final straw for Alec and he asks her to leave his house, which she does without qualms. She wonders how she could have bothered with him in the first place. That won't be a problem in the future, he tells her, because as far as he is concerned this is the end for them. "Fine! Fine!" is Rita's angry reply as she storms out.

After she has gone, Vicky comes to see what has happened. "I've had a lesson, Vicky" is his reply, "thank God have I had a lesson, there's nobody around here worth giving a damn about! Nobody!!

"That were a wonderful repast, Ashley, lad, I say, it were wonderful! Congratulations!" That is Fred's verdict on Ashley's Christmas dinner, a view echoed by Maud, Leanne and Nick.

As the two young uns retire to the settee, Fred is insistent that Ashley joins in the party spirit by putting on his paper hat. Leanne notices a parcel under the cushion. Nick tries to take it from her, making out it's from his mum, but Leanne has opened it and sees a card. The words inside make her turn. "To beautiful Nick. To keep the body warm and snug. Love and kisses, Miranda." She is furious at this discovery. Nick lamely tries to say that he kept the present from her, because he knew she would get the wrong idea. "The right idea, you mean" replies Leanne. She accuses him of being more than a model and chastises herself for her stupidity at believing him while "all the time, you and her were at it! She's welcome to you and you can have her as well!" His protestations are to no avail, as she storms out of the house.

Outside the Rovers, Emily is doing her "Meals on Wheels" bit (colloquially known as "Muck on a Truck") - home-made elderberry wine and mince pies. Jack has forgotten gratitude and tells her that what is really essential now is ....a telly to get them through the long days, she hasn't by any chance got a portable TV? "No, I have not." is her exasperated reply. "Well, does us a favour. Have an ask around, luv" is Jack's request. Emily persuades Spider to come home with her, saying that they have earned their dinner, while Spider is still tickled by the episode and leaves with the encouraging words "No surrender!! They shall not pass!!"

In the street, we see Nick chasing after Leanne, but she doesn't want to know and enters her parents house. She announces to Toyah that she has finished with Nick. "Oh yeah? Again?" is the disinterested reply. Leanne insists that she means it, that Nick has a girl friend who is old enough to be his mother, she is not standing for it, she has left him. "Brilliant! I have to share me bedroom again" is Toyah's touching response. Wonderful stuff!!!

In the Rovers, Greg has brought the drinks over to Maxine. He asks how she likes her new flat. "Bigger than mine, if I remember rightly," he continues. "You know, we should have got together months ago, you and me. Still, no harm in making up for lost time..." Maxine gets the drift of the conversation "you mean, move in together?" Greg suggests this would be a great idea, she could move in with him, better still, if her place is bigger, he could move in with her. "You're not trying to whisk me off my feet are you?" she asks. "Yeah, don't fight it" is our resident smoothie's response.

Steve McDonald and Vicky are talking at the bar. The conversation is somewhat strained. Steve is telling her how ironic it is, both of them running their own businesses. "Not in your case, Steve. Well, you'd have to be your own boss. Nobody in their right minds would have you working for them" is Vicky's cutting response. Steve tries to bring some decency to the conversation and Vicky apologises for her cheap jibe. She tells him she had heard that he and Fiona had broken up, but he isn't interested in pursuing this line of conversation.

Ashley and Fred have arrived in the Rovers and while Ashley is getting the drinks in, Fred sees Greg with Maxine. "You've still got the money for drinks, I notice. If he's paid for that, it's the rent he owes me that's paid for it. Think on! Out by next Monday!"

Greg tries to make light of this by telling Maxine to ignore Fred "the man's potty." However, the moment of realisation has finally struck Maxine. "Somebody told me that you owed him a lot of money. And that you would try to move in with me" she tells him. Greg plays dumb, but Maxine realises she has finally heard the truth about him "you're a scumbag, Greg and I always knew it, so you just stay away from me!" He wants to know who has been sticking the knife in, but she doesn't want to know and flounces off.

Upstairs, Jack and Vera have been hitting the elderberry wine. Like the wine, Vera is getting fruity. "Didn't Emily say she got it off Mrs Latimer, Nightingale Terrace, right?" asks Jack, "there's no doubt about it, it's definitely her tom that comes prowling round my pigeons." As far as Vera is concerned, it is better than nothing, putting her arm around him. He offers her his share. She thanks him and remarks that the wine is turning her on, much to Jack's discomfort. "What the hell did people do before television?" he asks, "I can't stand it Vee." "Well, we'll just have to make us own entertainment, won't we?" replies fruity Vee. "Fair enough! I spy with my little eye... " is Jack's quick thinking response. Vera tells him she isn't interested in kids games, it's adult games she has in mind. "So come here then" she whispers. Poor Jack, he looks a worried man. "Do you know when you speak to me like that, Vera, I get this sudden urge to surrender" he tells her. This gets a great response from Vera. "Come here luv" she says. "Not to you!!!! To Alec 'Flaming' Gilroy!!!!" is Jack's ace line.

Downstairs, Natalie comes over to Alec. She tells him he looks deadbeat and she understands he will not be dining with Rita after all. He tells her that they have had an almighty bust-up. Natalie tells him he is more than welcome to join her and Lorraine, over the road. He thanks her but declines as he is unable to leave the premises now with the Duckworths loose. They have him trapped. It's not the Christmas he was hoping for. "No, me neither" is Natalie's wistful reply.

Sally leaves the pub. A few seconds later, Greg gets up and goes after her. As she is walking down the street, she hears the pub door closing behind Greg. She turns round and sees him outside the pub, coming towards her. She starts to run towards Rita's place. As she does so, Greg speeds up as well. Sally manages to open the door in time and shut it safely behind her. although she is safely behind the door, she doesn't feel safe. The episode has unnerved her. It doesn't help when Greg reaches the door and shouts inside that he knows she is there "I know you can hear me. We've got unfinished business haven't we? Well it can wait!" Sally breaks down into tears......

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by John Stevenson

All material is, and remains, copyright property of ITV Television.

Well, how was it for me? A very enjoyable episode, very much in the mould of classic Corrie, with some pivotal moments, especially in the deterioration of various relationships, of which, more in a moment.

Good gentle humour throughout the episode provided by Alec, Jack and Vera - I keep saying this, but I am really going to miss Roy Barraclough when he leaves the Street - a class comedy actor, brilliant timing, delivery and facial expressions. Jack and Vera too, have their moments and are a wonderful couple.

Positives provided by the Malletts in terms of the birth of their twins. Great performance especially by Gary.

The community spirit provided by the rallying neighbours in the form of Ken, Emily and Spider.

Part One very much a positive uplifting experience. By the time we reached part three, the tone had changed dramatically and was far more dramatic.

Turning to the negatives, the sad parts of marital breakdown demonstrated beautifully in the exchanges between Kevin and Sally - so often, children end up being in the middle of a tug of war game and this was evident here.

Another relationship coming unstuck being that of Leanne and Nick - his reticence to be open providing great fodder for Leanne's unease and paranoia, when she discovers Miranda's present to Nick. The disintegration of Greg's life and the bitterness surrounding the people whom he has wronged was done well and executed with a lot of tension.

Probably the most powerful acting from Rita and Alec, where their relationship looks like it has reached the point of no return... always a sad moment. Things said, once said, cannot be undone, even though they were said from the heart at the time. Great dialogue, wonderfully delivered.

So, a bit of everything, humour and drama... a gripping episode, well written and well acted.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

In the meantime, as it's the last Update of mine for 1998, time to wish you... a Happy New Year.... Bonne Annee.... Ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr.... Felice Anno Nuovo.... Prospero Ano Nuevo.... Szczesliwego Nowego Roku.... Stastny novy rok.... Een Gelukkig Nieuw Jaar... onnellista uutta vuotta.... Vesele Vianoce

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 27 December

Hope you all enjoyed Christmas or whatever other festival took your fancy. We certainly did. So much so that it is now the 4th day of the New Year, and it has taken me this long to review this episode and put fingers to keyboard. [Still, at least I finally got my Christmas pressie in the January sales today !] This update will be brief, as the next Sunday show is already stacked up on the video tape and demanding attention (plus some of those other sadd^h^h^h^h splendid writers have already overtaken me).

So, without further ado, let's look briefly at what happened immediately after Christmas Day, down Coronation Street...

Act 1
The unedifying spectacle of the Duckworths, slumbering under the duvet, greets us today like an unwelcome hangover. Jack sneezes in his sleep, and wakes Vera, much to her disgust. Apparently, she was dreaming of being entertained by the Queen ! [A hint at a long-running storyline whereby Vera believes herself distantly related to the Royal Family, in case you're confused.] She wakes Jack to appraise him of her feelings, and they both notice how cold it is in the bedroom. Although the heating should be on, the radiator is stone cold. Jack realises that Alec is probably responsible - the heating in the pub itself can be left on, while the living quarters remain chilly.

Rita and Sally are having an early morning brew, and sharing stories of their disastrous involvements with, respectively, Alec and Greg. Sally was frightened by Greg's thinly-veiled threats, but is reluctant to go to the police as it is her word against his, and it might only serve to inflame the situation. Rita, for her part, feels that too much was said between her and Alec for there to be any chance of a reconciliation. Sally asks if she is prepared to let it all slip away, but Rita thinks it's up to Alec to decide.

No sooner is his name mentioned than the chubby little gnome is to be seen in the sitting room of the Rovers, warming his hands by an electric fire, with Vicky. She remarks there are cheaper ways of heating the place, but Alec feels it is money well-spent if it serves its purpose of removing Jack and Vera. Natalie arrives and notices the cold, too. She is not long in coming to the right conclusion about exactly why the heating is off, and accuses Alec of being childish. Perhaps it is time he took a holiday ? Aye, a permanent one would suit, replies Alec. [Pay attention here !]

Over in the corner shop, Greg is trying to get a pint of milk on tick. Ashley refers him to Uncle Fred, who's having none of it at all. Not only does he want 38p for the milk, he demands the two months rent that Greg owes him. Greg tries to bluff his way out by saying it's a Sunday, and the banks are shut, but Fred is immovable. [One might wonder how it is that Greg has the money to get plastered in the Rovers most evenings, yet be strangely short of a mere 38p, but of course this wouldn't serve to advance the plot, would it ?]

Jack and Vera are having a hard time staying warm. He is pacing the bedroom, swinging his arms about, while Vera is huddled under the duvet, wrapped around her like a tent. She offers to let him in too, but Jack refuses. He remembers his pigeons, which haven't been fed since they went off to Blackpool, and opens the window to see if anyone is about. He finds Tyrone walking by, and persuades him to give the birds some food, for a quid. As he heads off round the back, Janice spots the Duckworths up at the window and greets them. Vera asks if she might spare a sandwich or two, as they've no food. Janice says it's hard enough feeding her own family, what with Leanne back at the moment. She does offer to bring round some dirty dishes though, if they've got some time to wash up... [The season of goodwill is *very* shortlived in Weatherfield.]

Tyrone throws some bird food into cages for the pigeons, and spots several bin bags lying in the yard. Opening one, he winces at the sight of some red lacy underwear [one of Vera's "numbers", by the look of it] but is more attracted by Jack's camel coat, which he makes off with.

Fred and a rather burly accomplice find Greg in the cafe, eating breakfast. [Much more than 38p, and I can't see Roy giving credit easily.] Fred demands his money, or the keys to the flat, by mid-day. Or he might have to take some less reasonable measures, looking at his friend, a slaughterman apparently. As they leave, Greg's appetite seems to desert him.

Janice is explaining to the rest of her family why she was so upset at Nick's modelling, not so much the nudity as the fact that the teacher seemed to be taking too much interest in her husband. Les is his predictably boorish self, first at Nick "flashing", as he put it, and then angered at the thought of his son-in-law messing about with another woman. He makes to head across the road to administer some justice, in his view, but is advised not to. "You're a fine one to talk", says Janice. In another tangential rant, he decides it must be Martin's fault, not being his real Dad and all that, and completely misses the withering sarcasm in Toyah's voice as she appears to agree with him about how terrible *that* is. The doorbell rings at this point, and Les opens the door to find a homeless Greg, bags in hand, begging for a place to stay. Les lets him in.

Gail arrives in the cafe, to find Roy cleaning up a few dishes after a quiet morning's trade. Before he heads off to the Rovers to meet Hayley, he reminds Gail that he still needs to know what she has decided to do about the business. Gail reveals that she and Martin have decided that in view of their own problems, it'd be best if she sold up. Roy tells her he'd been rather afraid that this would be her answer, but that it doesn't really make it any the easier for him. "You've dropped me in it now", is his tetchy response.

Intermission
And from bad to worse at this time of year - loads and loads of adverts for sales, furniture clearouts, and holidays. Some therapy for my credit cards would be welcome !

Act 2
Our first view of the much-expanded Mallett family this evening, down at the maternity ward where we find Gary taking Polaroids of Judy and the twins. In comes Jim Macdonald, who wishes them all the best and gives Gary a gift of a few pounds to start the babies off with. Gary is very grateful for this simple offering, and Judy explains how they're still trying to think of names for the twins, so far they've come up with Sonny and Cher, and Adam and Eve ! But they *did* win the first-baby-on-Christmas-Day competition, so they should be getting loads of stuff very soon. Everyone smiles. [A nice little scene that could so easily have ended up on the cutting-room floor, but which was so much better left in. Only on the second watching did I remember that Jim's sons, Andy and Steve, were twins as well. Aaaahh !]

Fred and Alec are on opposite sides of the bar, observing how the sit-in upstairs is like the siege of Leningrad. "And look how that ended !", says Fred. He's full of life now that Greg has moved out, and offers the services of his "friend" to Alec. Alec thinks that'll not be necessary in this case. To cheer him further, Fred points out that Alec has lost out in the romantic stakes too, and Alec seems indecisive about whether there is any chance of him and Rita getting back on speaking terms, but Fred says he's best shut of her, and should make a clean break. [By heck, there's plenty of signs about Alec's future about, I said, there's plenty of signs.]

Sally arrives, and spots Maxine at a table. She tells her to advise her boyfriend to stay away, but obviously hasn't heard that Maxine has dumped Greg. "You'd better pray you don't find yourself in the same boat as me !", says Sally, to Maxine's obvious discomfort.

Elsewhere, Hayley has arrived and presents Roy with a tin of shortbread from her aunt. Roy is worried about how things are working out at the cafe, and whether he can go ahead on his own. "You're not on your own", Hayley points out, "you've got me !". This cheers Roy greatly, perhaps more so than it should have.

Outside, Jackie sees Tyrone showing Jack's coat to a passer-by. She demands to know where it has come from, and, not happy with his answer, tells him to "bin it" as soon as he can. No sooner said than done, as Les appears and cops a bargain in the offing. Tyrone tells him the coat belonged to his dead uncle. Les offers him a fiver for it, and walks off looking very pleased with himself.

Roy returns to the cafe, to find Gail in a conciliatory mood. She apologises for making things awkward for him. That's alright, he explains, he has a new partner. Hayley. Not knowing when to stop, he then goes on to say how he'd felt that he and Gail hadn't been, well, singing from the same songsheet of late and perhaps it is all for the best. Gail looks rather peeved. Elsewhere in the cafe, the truly wonderful Blanche is having a cuppa with Deirdre. It's not long before Blanche observes how Roy could've been a good catch for her daughter, "yes, I can just see you standing behind the counter in an apron", she notes. "You always pick the wrong 'uns", she adds helpfully. "Explain it to me again, Mother, I'd love to know !", says Deirdre. [I'm loving this. It's good, isn't it ?] Deirdre points out that, sadly for her Mum's plans, Roy is already living with his girlfriend. Who is, how shall she put it, one of those who has "crossed over". Blanche completely misses this and says that Deirdre has already married someone from abroad ! Deirdre shakes her head.

Sally is asleep on Rita's settee. [Probably lack of energy from baked bean deprivation.] She wakes up to a muffled scratching sound, which stops when she tries to work out where it's coming from.

Outside the Rovers, Ashley has come to Jack and Vera's rescue, with a fish and chip supper and a ladder to deliver the food to the upstairs window. Given the confined space they are living in, it's not clear that the side order of pickled eggs is all that wise, but perhaps they are planning some retaliatory strike on Alec ! Les walks past, and tells them they'd be nice and warm if they had a decent coat on, like his. Jack is immediately suspicious and demands to know where Les got it from. He thinks Alec must be selling their belongings. Les denies everything, but after they go back inside, he looks inside one pocket and spots a tear in the lining, as Jack pointed out. He appears about as contrite as he ever gets, in similar circumstances.

Sally, fully awake by now, is chopping veg in Rita's kitchen when Rita returns home. She's been thinking things over all day, and has decided maybe she was a bit hasty in blowing Alec out of the water. Sally suggests perhaps Rita should pop next door and talk to him. "I think he's in", she says, "I heard some noises earlier". Rita opens the connecting door to find that Alec has boarded up the doorway on his side, and she's furious about it.

We're far enough into the program not to be shocked by the sudden appearance of Steve, looking as well as ever for the undead, who is swapping barbed comments with Vicky in the Rovers. He suggests she must have had a very boring Christmas with Alec. Well, at least he cares about her, and hasn't let her down, is her reply. [Now here was a little exchange that didn't do anything at all for me. Compare and contrast with the earlier visit to the maternity ward.] Over at the bar, Les is trying to console Greg, to little avail. Collecting his order, he chides Alec for serving short measures and tells him that's how to lose customers. "There's an idea", muses Alec. Not finished yet, Les opines that Alec is always shafting people. [Les is one of life's little thorns, someone who looks in a mirror and sees Cary Grant looking back at him when the rest of the world sees, well, Les Battersby.] A very short scene next with Roy and Hayley, where Roy explains how he had told Gail about his new partnership and Hayley tells him that's not what she'd meant at all. She'll be there for him, but she's no intention of giving up her job and going into business with him. Roy looks vexed, as ever.

Natalie is having a break in the Rovers' sitting room, when Alec comes in and says he's just about had enough of the likes of Les Battersby. Natalie says it comes with the territory, but perhaps it's time Alec took a holiday. "Never mind a holiday", says Alec, "if someone made me an offer right now, I'd be tempted to sell up and leave". "Maybe I'll buy it", says Natalie quietly. Alec looks as if he thinks she's joking at first, then realises she's not - she's perfectly serious. [Remember, you read it here first...]

This episode was written by Martin Allen.

Well, some good stuff and some duff stuff tonight, but overall another sound episode with a few plots moving to their inevitable conclusions (Alec and Rita), and a few taking a bit of twist along the way (Roy and Hayley). Tired though we are of Sally and Greg, it does appear as if something's going to happen soon in that department.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

John Laird


Monday 28 December

Hiya! :)

Right, I'm trying to get back on time with the Update Deliveries after last week's late one, so rather than rambling about my Christmas (the gruelling details of which would most likely send you to sleep anyway!) I'll just hope you all had a good holiday, wish you all the *very* best for 1999 and cut straight to the chase... This week's Monday episode of Corrie which, in all fairness, was rather darn *good*! So let's a take a peek down the Nation's favourite Street and see what's going on:

The show opens, early morning in the Chateau Batteau. New lodger Gruesome Greg is trying to talk business on the 'phone to one of his contacts but is finding it rather hard to concentrate since, all around him, The Battersby's are being their usual selves: Janice offers Leanne some breakfast which sparks envy from Toyah who wonders aloud "How come *she* gets waited on hand and foot?" while Leanne herself moans to anyone in earshot that she can't believe Nick hasn't come 'round to apologise to her. Suddenly, the television springs to life and it's some kind of frightfully loud children's TV programme with lots of brighly coloured monsters jumping up and down and screaming (I think I saw Tracy Shaw in there somewhere!), none of which helps Greg concentrate on his business call. As Janice tells Leanne to be wary of Nick since, although he's technically a Tilsley, he's still a "Platt in sheep's clothing" (ROFL!), Greg slams the 'phone down and yells "CAN YOU LOT SHUT UP THIS FLAMIN' RACKET? It's like trying to work in a flamin' monkey house!", prompting the wonderfully scripted riposte "Yeah, well maybe you'd feel more at home in a SNAKE PIT!" from the Warrior Princess. Blandford shouts some more then storms out.

Cut now to the Cafe where Sir Royston of Cropper is chalking the specials onto the blackboard. Lady Hayley of Patterson appears from upstairs and prepares to depart for work when *gasp* Roy makes a sarcastic comment! (His first ever?)

"Off to Mister Baldwin's Palace Of Fun, are we?" he jibes, "The Underworld Of Delight?? I can only assume that there must be *something* magical about that factory as you'd sooner work there with Baldwin than side by side here with me"... This remarkably uncharacteristic display shows just how hurt he is by Hayley's decision to stay on at the factory rather than help him with his New Cafe, so she tries to explain her motives telling him that although they are "Soulmates, and destined to share all life experiences together", working in the Cafe together just wouldn't be right. After all, she adds, "if we were under each other's feet all day, what would we have to talk about when we were curled up at night in the flat?" before making puppy-dog eyes at him, saying "Besides... I wouldn't want to lose me favourite part of the day... Coming home to you" and giving him a little kiss. (Altogether now... One huge AWWWW! :) What an utterly, *utterly* charming scene!)

A vastly more unpleasant sight follows as Vera Duckworth, looking a bit worse for wear, pops her head out from behind the upstairs barricade and whispers harshly to a passing Natalie "Pssstt!! You couldn't get us some food or summit could you? Our Jack's stomach's starting to sound like the Weatherfield Brass Band tuning up!"... Natalie agrees to fetch some sandwiches, just as Alec arrives and, after exchanging some unpleasantries with Vee, takes Mrs Barnes into the back room to discuss the possible sale of the Rovers. She is very enthusiastic and, upon mentioning the matter of the sale price, points out to Alec that "since Jack and Vera are legally sitting tenants, that'll have to be reflected in the price. Quite considerably, I'd say!"... His face turns into a paper-white mask of terror as he realises the extent of his Duckworth- related problems.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Jack is preoccupying himself by staring out of the window, huffing and puffing. Vera enters and asks "What are you looking at out that window? Eh, I see... Some dolly bird with a chest like a sackful of water melons?" but, unless that description fits Les Battersby, she's incorrect in her judgement. Jack is fuming that Les is walking around in his favourite camel coat and reckons that Alec has probably sold all of their clothes to the jumble. "Les Battersby's wearing MY coat!" he screams, "Now he's found me flamin' scarf! And next Kevin Webster'll be using your old knickers for oily rags!" (ROFL! - Yet *ANOTHER* superb line! Although I personally believe "If You Tolerate This, Your Old Knickers Will Be Next" may have worked better ;))))... Incidentally... an amusing scene though that may have been, if you expect me to believe that Jack and Vera, of all people, have been *alone* in the upstairs of the Rovers with *NO* source of entertainment, besides looking out of the window, for 4 - 5 days, you've got another thing coming. The plausibility angle is down the chute on this one!

Meanwhile, outside, Rita catches Alec outside the Kabin and tries to get his attention. At first he ignores her until it becomes impossible to do so, at which point he smiles an insincere "Hello Rita" and makes the excuse that he "was miles away". She wants to know what he's "playing at" by blocking up the door with all that boarding, asking "What did you think, I'd be in there as soon as I could taking a pair of scissors to your shirts and underpants?"... He tells her he thought it would be what she wanted, since "all reason for having that door there in the first place has gone up in smoke". She accepts this and tells him coldly that "the sooner it's done with bricks and mortar, the better", before walking away. However, the looks on both of their faces indicate that they know a major mistake is being made.

The Mighty Fred Elliot spots Blandford strolling down Coronation Street and collars him for some rent. Bogface gets all snotty about it, assuming that since he's been evicted from "that rat's nest of a flat" he shouldn't have to give Fred any of the owed back-pay (!) but the Burly Butcher is adamant that, should he not be paid, he'll take it to court. "There's outstanding rent owed and I mean to have satisfaction!" bellows Fred but Greg tells him there's "fat chance of getting it from me" (I'm sure Maxine and Sally could testify to this!)... A nearby Kevin Webster shouts "You won't get any money out of this one, Fred. Not until he finds another poor cow to stick his fangs into" and, needless to say, Bogface sees red and jumps for the Manic Mechanic. As Fred tries to pull the two apart, the war of words escalates, Kevin screaming "You didn't even want her! You just wanted her money and to use her for a punchbag!" and Greg responding, smarmily, "Yeah, but it was me she wanted to be with, wasn't it?"... *SMACK!* Kevin leaps for Blandford and, as Fred once more seperates the two of them, Mike Baldwin throws his two pence in, from the other side of the road: "You wouldn't stand a chance in a fair fight would you, Kelly? The only thing you know about's cheating!" ... Sally is watching all of this from behind the curtains in Rita's flat, with an expression on her face that is probably supposed to signify horror but looks more as if she's accidentally slipped some bad acid into her baked beans. A shame because, that final laughable facial expression aside, it was actually a good scene all round!

In the cafe, Roy accidentally spills some salt and goes to throw it over his shoulder (Spooky, I thought I was the only person who still did this!), remarking to Gail that although he never considered himself to be a superstitious man, "something primieval" takes over when he spills salt and he is compelled to react. Gail, who is busy spreading the butter with a tiny bit of toast, seems disinterested and a bit grumpy as per usual (Although, anyone who has downloaded the video clip of the Corrie cast's cover of "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" will realise that really she's just a weeeee little Christmas pixie at heart! ;)))) so Roy, always the concerned gent, asks what's up. She is worried about finding another job once she has sold her share of the caff and asks Sir R, hintingly, if he has "any bright ideas". The hint goes over his head like Concorde and he stutters "No... No, I don't... Sorry"...

At the back of the Rovers, Alec tries to 'charm' the Duckies downstairs, requesting a "Pow wow" but Jack barks that "If you're thinking of passing round the pipe of peace, don't expect me to be taking a drag until you can tell me why Les Battersby is wearing MY COAT!"... Alec, of course, has no clue what the Delirious Duckworth is takling about and is working on his next nefarious scheme. He offers the pair one thousand pounds in cash to come down the stairs (ooh, you sneaky b*gg*r!)... Vera tells him to take a run and jump, but the look on Jack's face reveals temptation.

Across at the factory, all the girls are hard at work except Janice, who is bemoaning the working conditions at The Underworld Of Delight (New nickname alert! Courtesy of Roy Cropper!). Deidre jokes that the working conditions are just fine, "apart from you, Janice" but this doesn't stop the Warrior Princess' tirade, as she continues to object to the fact that there isn't a tea-lady in the factory to bring round drinks. Linda Sykes (*BOOOOO* *HISSSSSSSS*) offers to make some tea (Would you accept a drink from this woman!?) but apparently it's someone called Alison's (new girl?) turn to do it. Alison is stopped in her tracks, however, by the overwhelming generousity (shurely shome mishtake?) of Jackie Dobbs, who *insists* on brewing up for everyone, claiming "I've got to earn me spurs, haven't I?"... Of course, there's a hidden agenda here since, as Scary Scouse makes for the kettle, she snatches a *huge* pile of knickers from a basket and, brazen-as-u-like, stuffs them into her coat pocket! Unfortunately for her, she's busted by Baldwin who instantly sacks her and then *gasp* orders Janice to call the police! (Incidentally, for the sad music anoraks amongst us, "Special" by Garbage is playing in the background and, if you're familiar with the lyrics, you'll realise it's quite appropriate!)

END OF PART ONE
The commercial break! YES! It's that *brilliant* Yellow Pages advert with the bloke who needs a cleaner! One of the six or seven decent ads I've seen this year, I must say. Unfortunately the rest of the break can't compete, with it's "Furniture Sale NOW ON!" sloganeering and, worse than all of that, the TINY PC adverts that just make me shudder (almost as much as the shop itself, but not quite)!

But of course, all the above paragraph does is make me wonder why I actually bother to update the commercial breaks...

PART TWO
Jim and Gareh stand at the bar, chatting to Natalie about the Duckworths. Jim, in an act of borderline-self-parody, remarks that "they're giving Sandy a wee run for his money, so they are!"... Alec, however, is convinced he's found "a chink in their armour", as we cut across the bar to where Martin and Gail are standing, discussing what to buy for Nicky's birthday (I've told you once and I'll tell you again... Get the lad a bloody personality!!!). Martin is concerned about current cashflow in Plattingham Palace but Gail insists that, while "there's no need to hire the Spice Girls to do the music", they are not going to cut corners. Blandford, who is standing in a corner, stares evilllllllly as Sally and Emily enter the pub, making for the bar. Emily has made matching little pink and blue booties for Gareh (err, not actually for Gareh himself, you understand, for the babies of course) and hands them to him, merrily (Awwww) as Blandford starts leering at Sally. "You've been twisting the knife haven't you?" he grunts, in that neanderthal way of his, "Enjoying watching me squirm?" but Gary, ever the diplomat, tells him politely to bog off... Which, thankfully, he does.

Deidre, meanwhile, is begging Mike Baldwin, in his office, not to call the police on Jackie. She says it's fine to sack her but that getting the fuzz involved is unwarranted. Obviously, Baldwin's having none of this ("What is this? Old Cons Reunion??" - Ouch!) but D explains that she feels she *owes* Jackie something after what happened inside (Personally, I think she's already paid her back somewhat!) and reasons that, having sacked the woman, calling the police really won't do any further good. Baldwin sighs and reluctantly agrees, as long as Rent-A-Scouse is off of his premises for good within 30 seconds.

Back at the Rovers, Natalie brings sandwiches and a Thermos for the Duckworths and pushes them swiftly up the stairs. Vera is appreciative but tells her that it probably won't be long before they'll be coming down the stairs, informing her of Alec's decision to offer them a grand for the pleasure of doing so. Natalie, obviously, realises exactly what the Greedy Gilroy is up to and gives Vee a pep-talk, telling her not to come down no matter what! "You can't give up now, if Alec's offering you money he must be getting desperate!" she reasons and then recommends that, if they stay there a few more days (!!!), "you never know what might happen"! As I said earlier... Implausibility? Meet window! *wheeee*

It's tea time at Le Chateau Batteau and Janice is, of course, telling everyone about the earlier excitement at Underworld and the firing of Jackie Dobbs. Les, predictably, stands up for Scary Scouse and claims, rather boorishly, that Baldwin's dismissal borders on "harrassment" (!). Toyah asks if the police were brought in and when Janice explains that they would have been were it not for Deidre, adding with a wink "I think that her and that Jackie got *pretty pal-y* in that prison cell", Toyah looks utterly disgusted at the mere thought. "I suppose I'd better set aside a plate for Greg", murmurs Janice, changing the subject, "In case he decides to show his ugly mug" and just then there's a knock at the door! It's an even uglier mug, though! Nicky Tilsley, The Camp Crusader! He's come to see Leanne who, at present, has a face like an upside down banana. Unfortunately for her (fortunately for the rest of us who find him intolerably annoying), he can't even get a word in edgeways before being bombarded with abuse from Janice and Les (Yay!), the latter of whom grabs Whoopsie Boy quite forcefully and ejects him from the premises, howling "NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS LIVING WITH A DIRTY FLAMIN' STRIPPER!" as he boots him out the door. Wa-hey! Leanne, however, looks somewhat upset by the whole thing and something tells me that before too long she'll be running back to The Camp Crusader, yet again.

[Warning! Incoming busy pub scene!] Back in the Rovers, as Googly Eyes MacDonald buys Vicky Gilroy a drink, Alma enters the pub and approaches Mike at the bar. He tells her to have a large vodka and tonic because they're celebrating. Why? Because he just fired Jackie Dobbs, of course! Alma is over the moon at this news, assuming that Mike did it for *her* benefit, blissfully uninformed of the knicker nicking incident. As she hugs and kisses her husband, he grins "Your wish... is my command!", the little toerag! Back at the other end of the bar, Googly Eyes is making suggestive small-talk with Vicky. It's pretty obvious he's only got one thing on his mind when he starts talking about his misfortunes with Fiona and trying to get the sympathy vote in exchange for a one-night-stand. "I've learnt not to take people forgranted", he murmurs as the camera cuts to *behind* the bar where Alec is not best pleased at what he sees. "Look at him, Steve MacDonald", he moans to a nearby Betty, "He's like a snake... Hypnotising her before he goes in for the kill... Again!" but Betty thinks Vicky "has a good head on her shoulders" and will look after herself just fine. Alec isn't so sure of this, however, and mentions about how worried he is about her throwing all her money away to "this chef who lost every penny he had the first time round", referring of course to her slightly dubious Cafe Bar plans. Cut back to Steve now, who slyly suggests that he and Vicky go for a meal someplace to get away from the Gilroy Glare (TM) coming from behind the bar. She, surprisingly agrees, then delivers a killer riposte, "Sure, you can tell me about your business and how well it's going... And when you'll be able to pay me back that fifteen thousand that you owe me... Well, seeing as you're not taking people forgranted anymore...", which unsurprisingly makes Googly Eyes lose his appetite and leave sharpish. Heh heh and indeed heh. Yet more snappy dialogue.

Meanwhile, it's closing time at the Cafe and Hayley (wearing the scarf Roy gave her for Christmas... awwww!) rushes in to talk to Gail before Roy gets back (not sure where he's gone tho, maybe the Cash N Carry?). She has an offer to make. She wants Gail to carry on working at the new Cafe with Roy since, being frank about it, she isn't sure Sir R would be able to cope on his own. Gail beams widely and happily agrees to this offer of continued employment. (You know, having seen that aforementioned music video clip ("Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"), I am no longer able to look at Gail without seeing Helen Worth dressed as a wee little Christmas Pixie... I'm thinking maybe I should seek help?)

Back at the Rovers, Scary Scouse enters and tries to buy a drink for Mike and Alma. Mike declines, which leads Jackie to thank him profusely for not calling the police on her earlier when he caught her nicking the knickers. With the truth now out about Rent-A-Scouse's dismissal, Alma gives Mike a filthy look... As we cut to *DRUMROLL* BLANCHE HUNT, Mother Of Deidre, sitting with her beloved offspring! (Yes! This woman is utterly brilliant! I vote right here and now that they cease this endless bringing her into the show every now and then and keep her on permanently. The woman is an absolute star!)

Blanche: (In that way that only a Mother can... Out of the blue, of course) "You never did have much taste in men did you?" Deidre: (Taken aback, slightly) "Where did that little gem of wisdom come from?" Blanche: "Mike Baldwin. He were another bad'un. If you hadn't got involved with him, I daresay you'd never have broken up with Ken. *HE* was the only decent man you've ever known!" Deidre: "*HE* went off with another woman, in case you'd forgot!" Blanche: (Staring at Mike) "He probably wouldn't've, if it hadn't have been for *HIM*!"

Just then, a subdued Jackie Dobbs walks over to the table to thank Deidre for her help earlier on. "Now I owe you one", she says but Deidre thinks it's time to stop with the favours and points out that it's probably best if Jackie keeps her distance altogether. Rent-A-Scouse agrees, quietly and wanders off into a corner.

Blandford is, literally, propping himself up against the bar as he orders another pint of ale. Behind him, Sir Royston and Lady Hayley discuss business over fruit juice. Hayley, ever the brains behind the duo, suggests that rather than actually working side by side with Roy, how about she just plays the part of an 'investor' by buying Gail's share of the Caff with her inheritance money? "Like a sleeping partner?" asks Roy... "Well, in every sense, I suppose" is Hayley's cute response (aww) and Roy sees the logic in this plan! He's even happier when she tells him that she's persuaded Gail to stay on and work with Roy on the more active side of running the Cafe! "You know", he says, grinning widely, "With your business brain, there could be a Roy's Rolls in every town in the UK before long!" (Now there's a thought!) ... Just then, in front of them, Blandford spills his pint all over the place and slurs "I'll 'ave another" several times (I think it was George Middleton who pointed out recently on RATUCS that one sign of an actor who knows his trade is being able to play a drunk. By these criteria I think we can prove once and for all that Bogface Billington couldn't act his way out of a paper bag!) while a nearby Baldwin mocks him... "I'll tell you what your problem is, Kelly", he chuckles, "You can't hold your booze! Can't hold onto your booze, your business or the money that you swindle out of young mums! You know what? You want to latch on to that Dobbs woman... the only problem is... *she* might hit you back!" (Wow! What a wonderfully *fantastic* line!!!) - Gruesome Greg stalks out of the pub and stares up at the light in Rita's flat.

In the back room of the Rovers, Alec talks to Vicky about the future. He is worried that she might be making a mistake by setting up with this 'Giles' fellow, explains that he's selling the Rovers to Natalie and then suggests that he goes down South with Vicky and helps her set her own cafe bar up. She is ecstatic at the idea and gives her Granddad a big teletubbie hug!

Across at Big Red's Flat, the telephone rings. Oh no, who could it be? Well, the fact that the usual "Hello" is exchanged for "BITCH!" signifies it could well be either Greg Kelly or perhaps a stray member of the Wu- Tang Clan, lost in Manchester. Obviously, it's Greg and he tells her down the line that she hasn't seen the last of him, that he hasn't finished yet and that she won't see him coming amongst other B-Movie Cliches... Simpering Sally does her best to look terrified as she slams the phone down, whimpering! The credits roll.

So, there you have it. Another Monday Episode out of the way and another one by (to use the exact same phrase I used just over a month ago) "the increasingly excellent Phil Ford". Some priceless bits of dialogue help enliven the whole show and almost put aside the silliness of certain storylines (The Duckies one for example...). The only low point really is that this Greg and Sally story just keeps going ON and ON and ON... Please end now. It must be one of the most ridiculous and badly played plotlines of the year.

But aside from that, there was much to enjoy. Maggie Jones as Blanche Hunt is priceless and a treat to behold. The usual suspects (Roy, Hayley, Leanne, Toyah, Janice) all put in the expected top-notch performances, the script was finely honed and obviously prepared with some care and it was nice to see both Jackie *and* Greg get their comeuppance all in the space of one episode! Not to mention the fact that watching Adam Rickitt being forcefully ejected from anywhere (preferrably a loaded cannon) is always good fun! :)

So 'til next time (and indeed next year!)... Take care! Happy New Year one and all!

This Update was sponsored by Cobalt 60 (What I was listening to) and Stella Artois (What I was drinking...)

The Rattler


Wednesday 30 December

 



Written by John Laird; The Rattler; Ruth Carey & Rosalind Mitchell; Alan Milewczyk


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