Friday 1 January

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

Well, here we are. Another year!! Yikes!! This year sees my 5-0, a prospect which scares the pants off me, how quickly time has gone.

Christmas has gone. The tree has been taken down and dumped outside. Always a sad occasion for me. The house looks so bare after the colour of Christmas.

We greeted the New year in, in mixed style. A few days earlier, I got up to find some drips of water coming through the ceiling into our dining room. Fortunately, the area underneath was clear at the time. Anyway over the next couple of afternoons, I proceeded to lift up the floorboards upstairs - it turned out to be a leak from a hot water pipe on the central heating system. The day before New Year's Eve, an emergency plumber drained the system and pronounced us without central heating or hot water. But at least , we stemmed the flow. However, part of the ceiling split, weakened by water for God knows how long. The following day, New Year's Eve, the Gas Board engineer came round in the afternoon to investigate and, as expected, the news is that we are without heating and hot water, until Monday.

To cap it all, we have all been merrily passing around cold infections between each other and it was Trude and Simon's turn on New Year's Eve. So we stayed in and I mingled between the family (in between Trude falling asleep all dosed up), watching a brilliant Rolling Stones concert on German satellite TV and the IRC crowd....

On the channel, I saw in the New Year in Queensland, the UK, the Maritime Provinces and Toronto/Ottawa regions of Canada. I finally hit the sack just after 6 a.m. That night brought home to me the truly international nature of the #coro_street channel and, of course, the universal appeal of Corrie itself. A number of us recorded New Years greetings which we played to each other on the channel and Elaine in Australia had the great idea of putting them together into a #coro_street wave to symbolise what it's all about....

So, on that note, let me wish you all, health, peace, happiness and love for 1999....

The episode commences in Rita's flat. Greg has broken into Alec's flat and come through the connecting door, having initially taken down the barrier installed just before Alec's departure. He is intent on revenge following the collapse of his relationship with Sally, blaming her for the aftermath and his moment has now arrived. A terrified Sally is sobbing her heart out and Greg is telling her that he was not prepared to stand back and let her screw up his life. Although she maintains she did nothing, he is insistent, he has now nothing because of her. They could have gone their separate ways, like adults, so why did she do what she did, he asks? She had to rub his nose in it, to twist the knife, he continues, did she have fun, dreaming up little schemes to humiliate him, arranging to have the car taken back on Christmas Eve? Her reply that all she wanted to do was to cut all ties with him, cuts no ice with him. Why did she have to fill Maxine's head with all her poison, he asks? She maintains it was merely the truth, but Greg is in full flow - there is no stopping him. He insists that Sally has been hell-bent on making him suffer, ever since she left, now it's his turn. The petrified look on Sally's face shows the full extent of her fear as to her potential fate.

We are chez Platt and Nick's 18th birthday party is in full flow. There is a mix of guests, the usual family, neighbours and friends. Martin brings in the cake - 18 candles on top all lit up. The assembled throng sing "Happy Birthday" to the birthday boy who hugs his mother. As Nick blows out the candles, Martin comments to him that he knows what Nick's birthday wish would be, but Nick is realistic - the prospect of Leanne coming back to him is unlikely to come true. Martin tells him that it is hardly going to happen while Leanne is at the Rovers - apparently, Ashley saw her there earlier and she looked even more miserable than Nick did. Nick brightens up at hearing this news, recognising that there may yet be hope for their marriage and the stupidity of their argument, decides to pop across to the Rovers right now.

"Not so smug are you now?" continues Greg as he lunges towards Sally. She grapples with him and pushes him back on the settee. Seizing the opportunity, she makes a run for it, running downstairs into the street, yelling "Get away from me!!!"

At that moment, Nick is coming out of his house and seeing Sally in obvious trouble, runs across the road to help her. He pulls Greg away from Sally and brings him down to the ground.

Back at the Platts, the party is in full flow. The revelries are interrupted when Sally bursts into the house, distraught and terrified. Gail comforts Sally, who explains tearfully that Greg had attacked her and that he is outside with Nick. On hearing this, Martin rushes out to Nick's assistance. In the meantime, Rita tries to console Sally.

Outside, Martin sees Nick on the ground having been winded by Greg. We see Greg beating a hasty retreat from the scene as Martin comes to Nick's support. Nick's face is bleeding, but he is more worried about the state of his shirt.

A small crowd has gathered across the street, viewing the events. Leanne has come out of the Rovers. Seeing Nick, obviously hurt, she rushes across upset, asking what has happened, as Martin escorts Nick back home.

Back at the party, Audrey is asking Fred what has been going on between Sally and Greg. "I think it's what the police call a domestic" replies RFred. Audrey is surprised at Greg being violent towards Sally, but Fred doesn't see things the same way, "I'd put nothing past that fella." Toyah has been overhearing the conversation and chips in with the opinion that men who are violent towards women should be hung, she wishes she had been there. When Fred asks what she could have done, we get the answer. "Right upper cut, left hook, round house, side kick, right knee..." What a star!!!

Sally is sitting down, explaining to Rita and Gail that she was convinced Greg wanted to kill her, thank God the girls weren't in the flat. Fred comes to her assistance with a brandy to calm her nerves and Alf offers to take her down to casualty. Sally won't hear of it, all she wants is a plaster, she must have cut her foot running across, she tells them. Rita blames herself for the attack, she should have made Sally phone the police earlier, but Sally knows that the police wouldn't have been able to do anything, as Greg was out to get her. Rita reveals to the crowd that Greg was handy with his fists behind closed doors and how he had threatened Sally previously. Sally is horrified at Rita raising these details publicly, but Rita is unrepentant - why shouldn't people know what sort of an animal he is? What she cannot understand is why Sally let him in. Sally replies that she didn't do so and explains that he came in through Alec's flat and forced his way in.

Nick, Leanne and Martin come back and ask how Sally is. She is more concerned about Nick, seeing him bleeding, but our hero is fine. Rita asks where Greg Kelly is but Martin can only tell her that Greg ran away as soon as he approached them. Rita decides to phone the police, the sooner they find Greg Kelly, the better. Sally is very embarrassed and doesn't want a fuss making. Rita is insistent, she is not going to go back to her flat with Greg roaming around the place. Fred offers to escort the ladies home and our Gallant butcher offers to guard them all night, if necessary. Awwwww!! My hero!!

Sally gets up to leave for home - she thanks Nick for helping her and hopes he hasn't had his party ruined. It was nothing he tells her, in any case, it's early yet, but she tells him that he saved her life. Nick's gallantry is recognised by Leanne, who puts her arms around him and embraces him. The smile on Nicks' face shows relief for the reprieve to the marital problems the two had been suffering.

Audrey is back in party mood and gets the music started, much to Alf's irritation.

At the Rovers, Blanche is bending Deirdre's ear. This time it's where they are sitting, that is the problem - it's in a draught, can they not sit somewhere else? Deirdre tries to point out to her mother that this was the only table she was able to get, but Blanche is full flight - you can tell she is going to have a moan, whether it kills her, or anybody else, come to that. When Deirdre decides to call her bluff, by suggesting they go home, Blanche says no, they might as well stay, now they are here. (Why ARE mothers like that?? LOL!!) Suddenly, she recognises an old neighbour friend. Deirdre breathes a sigh of relief as Blanche goes over to see her old pal.

Seeing Emily coming into the pub, Deirdre latches on to this familiar, friendly face and invites her over to join her for a drink. Emily explains she just came in to buy a lemonade to take away. Deirdre pleads with her to join her and tells how her mother is getting on her nerves and how glad she will be when Blanche goes home. Emily relents, as Deirdre fills her in on the gory details, how she is forever comparing her with the daughters of her friends and pressuring her to find a nice man.

Blanche rejoins the group - she talks about her friend's daughter. "You'll never believe what she's doing?" "Concert pianist? Astronaut?" replies Deirdre sarcastically. She might as well not have bothered because Blanche is totally oblivious to her quip, having her own agenda to further, "No, VAT inspector - and she's married a dentist." (For overseas readers, VAT or Value Added Tax, is a tax levied on goods and services, similar to a Purchase Tax.) Emily and Deirdre exchange knowing looks at Blanche's predictable line of conversation.

At the bar, Natalie is remarking to Jack how it feels just like an ordinary night. When Jack agrees, Natalie asks whether it might be in order to make a little speech. He agrees and asks "when?" Natalie feels right now is best and within a split second, Jack is asking Vera to ring the bell, which she does. This secures the attention of the Rovers clientele. As Natalie psyches herself up to make an announcement, Jack beats her to it. "I'd just like to say a couple words of thanks to the people who supported us over the last few days." Great cheers from the regulars. Natalie, however, doesn't look pleased and the expression on her face changes from excitement and anticipation to frustration and anger. She tries to tell him that it was SHE who intended to make the speech, not him, but Jack is in generous mood, thanking those who brought them dinner on Christmas Day. He is glad, nay relieved, that their ordeal is now over. Speech ends. Natalie's expression of "I don't believe this" sums up her mood totally.

Greg has made his way into the Battersbys from round the back of the house. He checks that there is no-one in, then goes into the lounge to pack his clothes into his bag. Just as he is about to go out with his bags, he suddenly pauses. He goes to the cupboard, opens the door and takes a tin out. This is the tin for the "Lecky" money, the funds set aside by Janice to pay the electricity bills. He opens the tin and takes some money out of it. Having replaced the tin, he leaves, not before taking a final glance behind him..... ... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at the Mallets' home - they each have a baby on their knees. Welcome to sleepless nights, fraught tempers and penury!!! They clearly don't see it that way though and are basking in parental bliss. Goo-goo talk all around.

Back at Rita's, Sally is sure she doesn't want to go down to the Casualty department at the hospital, after all, it's New Year's Eve, she points out and they will be waiting for all night just to be seen. Rita wonders how long it will take for the police to come round. "Solid as a rock" is Fred's booming pronouncement on the fact that the door between Alec's flat and Rita's has been secured. Still, says Rita, Pat the builder is coming in the morning to brick up the door properly. Fred announces that the locks have been changed, but being New Year, the locksmith has charged "an arm and a leg, I say, an arm and a leg". But not to worry, he's made out a cheque to cover the bill, she can sort it out with him later. He asks whether he should stay overnight on the sofa, but Rita is grateful enough for his help and says he should go back to the party. It's Fred's turn to feel guilty about the incident, he feels he is to blame for turfing Greg out of the flat, but Rita tries to assuage his guilt - Greg is a psychopath, she says. Fred sighs, pauses, then says "Happy New Year to you both" - subdued "Happy New Year" greetings come back from Sally and Rita. He sees himself out.

After Fred has gone, Sally expresses her annoyance at Rita telling everyone about Greg hitting her - she doesn't want people knowing her business, but Rita points out that keeping quiet means that people will only hear Greg's side of the story. Sally isn't worried, as Greg is in big trouble anyway - if they find him. Rita isn't so confident as to the outcome, as Greg will probably get a swanky solicitor on the case and he'll twist everything around to make it look like it's Sally's fault. Sally knows what an animal he is, but is more concerned that she will look stupid. "No more stupid than a lot of women, including me" replies Rita. When Sally wishes she could turn the clock back, Rita tells her that she cannot, but she can start looking to the future. "A New Year and a new start!" she toasts, raising her glass.

At the Rovers, Lorraine and Natalie are having a quiet drink in the back. Lorraine is concerned as to whether they should be doing this, but Natalie points out they can what they like, it's her pub. Lorraine is worried about whether this is fair on Jack and Vera, but Natalie says they can take a five minute break before it gets busy and, in any case, Jack and Vera haven't done a stroke of work for a week, so it's her turn to take a break. Lorraine wonders whether Natalie is doing the right thing buying the pub - "You wouldn't say that if you knew what I paid for it" replies Natalie. Lorraine fears it being a big change for Natalie, but Nat says that she has had experience of the trade on and off, for years. In any case, on this side of the fence she gets to keep all the profits. "that's if you make any" replies a worried Lorraine. "Oh I will" says Natalie, obviously very determined. Lorraine wonders whether it's such a good idea Natalie getting involved in such a venture so soon after Des' death. She would have thought that Natalie might want to move away from the area, but Natalie replies that she likes it round here, in a way, buying Des' local is a fitting tribute and one the attractions of the place is that it reminds her of him.

It's feeding time at the Mallets' and Bebeh 2 is hungry. Gareh is all at sea, wondering what to do next. My gawd, it brings it all back - the helplessness of it all, the uncharted territory. Before we know it, Bebeh 1 is hungry as well - Gareh wonders how this can be. Judeh puts it down to them telling each other, after all they have a special bond, having been with each other for 9 months before they were born. Gareh suggests that perhaps one tells the other that the parents could do with a couple of hours sleep. Judeh reckons it could be 16 years before they, as parents, get a decent night's sleep. But it's worth it, says Gareh - the grin on Judeh's face tells you that she agrees.

At the Platts', the party is a movin'. Alfeh tells Martin he doesn't have the stamina to keep up with the young 'uns and decides to sit down in the armchair.

Nick is telling Leanne what happened over at Rita's place. He is saying that, although Greg was quite strong, he didn't have any co-ordination, so he must have had quite a lot to drink. "Oh, you are so brave" says Leanne as Gail and Martin come along, taking the mickey out of Nick, milking the situation for what it's worth. "There are a couple of dragons on Viaduct Street that need slaying, if you're up to it" quips Martin. Gail accepts that Nick is brave, sometimes then sensible thing to do is to walk away. "Well, your dad was brave, remember and look what happened to him."

At the Rovers, Jack is telling Kevin that he is having trouble adjusting, "I know how that Terry Waite felt when they freed him." He is crowing over their defeat over Alec Gilroy. He is full of himself, how people won't stand up for themselves these days and allow themselves to be pushed around, no backbone. As he is telling this to Kevin, Natalie tells him to shift some crates of empties. "Yes, boss" he obliges. LOL!!!

Scouse Slagette is getting the drinks in for some of the girls from the factory. A Tequila Surprise, she tells Linda and Allison. "I've had three already. I said a slimline bitter lemon, are you trying to get me drunk?" asks Allison. Linda asks Jackie what her New Year's resolution is, her own is to give up smoking , Allison's to stop biting her nails. Jackie declares it is to find a new man, preferably one with loads of cash. "How about Les Battersby? He keeps giving you the glad eye" suggests Linda. Jackie complains that Les has no money, but Linda reckons that will all change when the compensation money comes through. Jackie moans that he's married and there is no-one half decent that's unattached. Linda points out Kevin at the bar and Allison comments that he looks lonely - Linda says she feels sorry for him. Allison has noticed him taking the girls out in the morning. "Broken marriage. Kids. Steer clear, girl. And anyway, they start pining for their wives, after a while" advises Jackie. Allison comments on how hard Kevin works and Linda suggests that if she feels so sorry for him, why doesn't she talk to him. "I think I will" says Allison, as she promptly gets up and does just that, joining Kevin at the bar. "Must be the Tequila Surprise" comments a surprised Jackie.

As she does so, Les comes over to the group, "Could you do us a favour? Our Janice has gone to the bog a while ago and she's not come back yet. I'm worried about her and she's had a right skinful." Linda volunteers to have a look in the toilet and as she goes, Les sits down next to Jackie and, eyeing her up starts his patter, "So, just the two of us, eh?" Jackie doesn't look impressed.

Alison has said hello to Kevin and is starting to tell him she felt sorry for him standing on his own. Not surprisingly, this isn't going down well with Kevin. She tries to correct matters by saying that she knows about his situation and she sympathises but that merely makes matters worse. She explains she works over the road at the factory and that one of the girls had filled her in on his situation. That upsets Kevin even more, as he thinks that all the girls do at the factory is to gossip. Allison apologises, saying she shouldn't have come over, it's all coming out wrong. Realising he has been hard on her, it's now Kevin's turn to apologise. He shouldn't have snapped at her, "it's a touchy subject, my situation." Allison sympathises, it must be very difficult. Kevin tells her that, although he is due to go to a party, he might give it a miss - it's an 18th and it might be full of kids. He comes to end of his pint and offers to buy her a drink. She declines as she already has one but offers to buy him one. We see one youngster, chuffed to little mint balls, at her in.

Les is continuing to try to woo Jackie. They could make beautiful music together, he is telling her. Her reply is cutting "I'm tone deaf and that's a very old line." He tells her the old ones are the best, but she isn't sure. He accuses her of blowing hot and cold on him when Linda returns to inform him that "Janice has passed out on't bog!" "Well, that's alright then" replies Les, "It's the best place for her, let her sleep it off." When Linda protests that he cannot leave and has to take her home, he tells her that SHE can take Janice home, in any case he's practically an invalid. He's busy...as he turns his attention back to an unimpressed Jackie.

Jack has brought in a bin-liner and dumps it on the bar. He is angry and tells Natalie that he has just found their belongings in the back yard. He calls over Vera. As they open up the bag, he says that had he not spotted his Legion tie, then their belongings would have been taken away as refuse. When Natalie says that surely Alec didn't put them there, Jack asks who else could have done such a thing? The bags must have been there for days, since they went to Blackpool. Vera is horrified, her red basque is ruined, full of mildew. He holds up a pair of his underpants and wonders whether it's a cobweb he can see there - "that were there before" replies Vera!! LOL!! The look on Natalie's face is priceless. "He's done that for spite" says Jack. "Well, just as well I've taken over then" replies Natalie.

Back at the party, Nick is dancing with Leanne. She is concerned if something had happened to Nick, she would never have forgiven herself and vows never to row again. They hug and kiss.

Audreh and Fred are dancing together. Fred comments on Alf asleep in the chair about him being the life and soul of the party. You can't take him anywhere, he'd fall asleep on a clothesline, she tells him. Fred comments that as he gets older, he seems to get more energy, "it must be all that red meat." "The red wine you mean" replies Audrey. Fred confesses to feeling a bit light-headed, "let's put it down to the company."

At that point Martin come up to announce that the New Year has nearly arrived, two minutes to go, so get your drinks, is the cry. The television is switched on, to bring in the New Year.

At the Rovers, Kevin seems to be getting on well with Allison. She knows all about him, he tells her, "what about you?" She lives with her mam and dad, but she is saving up for a place of her own. "I take it you're not married?" asks Kevin. She looks embarrassed but "no" is her answer. "Divorced?" continues Kevin. "When I get married, that'll be for life" she replies. Kevin comments that he thought the same, but it doesn't always work out that way, does it? She replies that, although she doesn't know the ins and outs, she does know one thing, she couldn't walk out on two little girls. Her comment strikes a chord with Kevin.

Natalie rings the bell - no panic - it is coming up to midnight. We have the countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!!! Glasses are raised - hugs and kisses exchanged all round. As Les moves in for a New Year kiss with Jackie, she suddenly see Janice coming out of the toilet, helped along by Linda - the aspiring lovers quickly pull apart.

Kevin wishes Allison a Happy New Year and kisses her on the cheek. She pauses and then kisses him quickly on the lips. Their eyes meet and they move closer for another kiss, this time, it is long and passionate. Yay!!!! What a lovely girl!! Start of a new romance!!

Nick Platt's party is coming to an end and the guests are leaving for home. Fred is still raring for more action, but Audrey tells him that if she has any more red wine, she will not be responsible for her actions. She sees Alf, still asleep in the chair, out for the count, "Come on Rip van Winkle, time for beddy-byes." She nudges Alf, still trying to wake him up, but there is no response. After a few seconds, there is a look of realisation on her face and she calls for Martin, "I can't wake him up...."

Martin puts his hand to Alf's heart... moves his ear to hear Alf's breathing... tries to open Alf's eyes.... With Audrey and Gail looking on, Martin turns round to them "he's dead, Audrey..... "

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Mark Wadlow

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Good episode, with a fair amount of action. Pretty well scripted and acted.

Nice light comedy, as ever, from Audreh and Fred, from Jackie Dobbs and Les Battersby, from Toyah, from Jack and Vera. Blanche turning in a polished performance as the crabby old mother. Good solid stuff from Natalie and Rita.

Sensitive and accurate portrayals of new parents from Gareh and Judeh. A welcome new face in the shape of Allison, who looks promising - a real sweet youngster. Well acted drama provided by Sally.

The finale, obviously, provided by the death of Alf Roberts. No doubt there will be those who might have preferred a more spectacular demise. I would not subscribe to that view. Alf was around on the street for many years, solid, dependable, not particularly exciting but a decent honest bloke who didn't make a fuss. Nothing wrong with fading away. The end of era..... having revisited some of his older performances on satellite TV, he was a backbone character for many years. Well done Bryan, you played your part well - long life, health and happiness to you!!!

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 3 January

A Happy New Year to one and all. Only 1 year to go to the big one !

Two updates in two days is taking its toll on my digital outputs, and also maximising the risk of getting a ticking-off for doing this during office hours, so I'll keep the intro brief [what, again ?] and get straight down to the nitty gritty.

A small observation tonight - the show is sponsored by Cadbury's Creme Eggs. And it's not even Twelfth Night yet ! Still, the Street is still very much in the New Year season, as we shall see...

Seatbelts and luggage secure, seat-backs in the upright position, no smoking during take-off please.

Act 1
Nick is tidying up the New Years Eve party debris, while Leanne sits quietly on the settee. Both seem a little shell-shocked by Alf's sudden death just a few hours previously, and feel guilty that everyone should have been partying and celebrating as he sat in an arm-chair and passed away, unnoticed. The most consoling thought they have is that at least Alf was not alone, but was surrounded by his friends and family. The front door opens, and Audrey, Gail and Martin enter. Audrey is most visibly upset, and Gail comforts her. She too feels terrible for not having noticed anything amiss, but resolves to go home - after all, she will have to get used to being on her own, and what better time to start than now.

Rita and Sally are opening up at the Kabin, still awaiting the arrival of the police, who will be investigating Greg's attack on Sally. Martin arrives, and they wish him a Happy New Year. Sally thanks him for his help, and says she must come over to see Nick and thank him too. Awkwardly, Martin has to tell them that he has some bad news - Alf had a stroke. "Oh no, not another one", replies Rita. Martin goes on to tell her that the medical staff had been unable to revive Alf, and he had, in fact, died.

More bad news over at the Battersby's, where Janice has discovered her missing leccy money, and is demanding to know if Toyah knows anything about it. She doesn't, so Janice yells up the stairs for Les, who appears a few seconds later, a vision of unkempt hair and tatty vest. She waves the empty tin at him, but he too denies all knowledge. Toyah interrupts, saying it's obvious who's responsible. Who's not here ? Whose bags are missing ? Greg's done a runner, and taken the money with him. She tells Janice and Les that Greg had attacked Sally the night before, and Nick and Martin had had to get involved to chase him away. Les, carrying family loyalty to moronic proportions, immediately dismisses all this as rubbish.

Back at the Kabin, Sally is consoling Rita, who is tearful. She tells Sally she and Alf had been friends for most of their lives, and on more than one occasion, he had asked Rita to marry him. She thinks it's the worst thing about growing older - seeing your friends dying. The police arrive to talk to Sally, and Rita tells her to take them upstairs to the flat, and to tell them *everything*.

It's more cheery over at the Malletts' house, where Jack and Vera arrive to welcome in the New Year and to see the twins, still named Baby 1 and Baby 2. Vera tells them about Alf's demise. Already, the rumours are starting, as Jack goes on to say he'd heard Alf was doing the hokey-cokey at the time.

The police have moved on to talk to Nick, who tells them what happened when he came upon Sally being chased by Greg. They know that Greg has family in the Street, and Nick has to break the news that he is married to Greg's sister. "Half-sister", Leanne points out. That's about all the police need to know at the moment, and they leave. Nick apologises for Leanne for having to involve her family in this, but she is not concerned - she had never known about Greg before recently, and tells Nick her loyalties are with him.

What a contrast to this, as Les expounds further on his conspiracy theories. Toyah's mind has been twisted by that Barlow, that's why she's telling lies about Greg. Janice reasons that the only person in the area who has anything good to say about Greg is Les, and maybe it's him who's mistaken ? There is a knock on the door, and Les opens it and tells the two outside to clear off. When they reveal they are police officers, he sheepishly lets them in.

The Rovers staff, sans Alec, are gathered in the sitting room, where Natalie reassures them that she wants things to continue as they are. Better still, she offers Jack and Vera a few days off to go back to Blackpool and see their grandson properly. They're very grateful, and say they'll feel much better knowing they've a job to come back to. "And a home...", says Vera. "Ah..." says Natalie, that's one thing that *will* be changing. She will be selling Des' house in order to provide the cash for the pub, and will be moving in herself. The Duckworths will have to find somewhere else to stay, after all, she is the licencee, and should be living on the premises. [Trivia point - Vera was always the licencee and I don't think it ever passed on to Alec, so how come Natalie has taken over ? Answers on a postcard please.] Natalie cheerily points out that surely Jack and Vera had been down the same road themselves, so they should understand ? They look somewhat less than understanding as Natalie goes off to open up.

Intermission
And a timely Weight Watchers ad opens the commercial break tonight, playing on the guilt feelings of all those who've had one mince pie and sherry too much over the festive season. Me - I figure those extra pounds will fall off all by themselves. Takes a little time, perhaps. About 11 months or so ;-)

Act 2
Les and Janice are being quizzed by the police about Greg's whereabouts. Janice explains that he had been sleeping on their settee, but appeared to have disappeared, and they have no idea where he'd be by now. Les protests Greg's innocence, saying that he was a highly respected and successful businessman. "Hmm, sleeping on your settee ?", muses the policewoman. Les demands to know who's behind all this trouble, "I know, it's that Sally Webster isn't it ?", he adds. He tells them that she's spreading lies about, because Greg had dumped her, and this is her way of getting revenge. "You know how pathetic these women are !", he remarks to the policeman. Janice and the policewoman give him withering looks. "What have I said now ?", says the expression on his face. [The bounds of credibility will be stretched further tonight, have no fear. It's as plain as day, well to me anyway, that a woman like Janice probably *wouldn't* put up with this sort of boorish nonsense.]

Gary and Judy are still struggling to name the twins. They eventually decide that they should take one each.

The police finally leave the Battersbys. "No doubt they'll be back", observes Les. "Greg won't, though", is Janice's opinion, as they stand in their doorway. She goes back inside, but Les spots Sally crossing the street, and rushes over to "have a word with her". Although sticking his face right in front of hers, and shouting, would be more accurate. Why is she lying about Greg, he demands to know. Sally tells him she doesn't need any of this, and turns to go, but Les grabs her arm and spins her round to face him again. She demands he let go of her, but before it gets even uglier, Kevin appears and breaks them up. He tells Les to pick on someone his own size in future, he can try Kevin any time. Martin also arrives to see what's going on, telling Les that he has to pull Greg off Nick, after Nick had rescued Sally. Les rather unconvincingly tells them he's ready for them any time, and goes home, exaggerating his limp somewhat in the process. Martin returns home, but Kevin invites Sally inside, to tell him what had happened the previous evening.

Audrey has returned home, accompanied by Gail, who is dispensing tea to a stream of visitors. Fred offers condolences, on behalf of himself and the Square Dealers, and tells her that things will look up even though it is a dark hour for her. "He means well", says Gail after he's left. Alma, too, comes round, and tells Audrey how Mike had once told her how proud Alf had been to have such a young wife. [Even though she does look mid-Jurassic...] Audrey is of the opinion that Alf was happy to think that other men fancied her [yes, sorry, we do seem to be inhabiting a parallel universe tonight] but that of course she'd *never* given any of them the slightest encouragement. Trying to put a cheery face on it all is too much for her, and she breaks down. [And to give Sue Nichols her due, she puts on a very good performance in this episode.]

Kevin once again wonders why Sally had ever got involved with Greg in the first place. She tells him that he hadn't exactly had a sign up saying how he got his jollies hitting women, but in a rather perceptive throwaway remark, Kevin notes that it probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway. So, now everyone will hear about it, of course, including the girls once it gets around the school. [Erm, I think they might be a *little* young for that.] He is alarmed to think about what might have happened if Sally had had Rosie and Sophie staying with her the night before, and refuses Sally's request that the girls do come round for a little while. "Not while we don't know where that Greg Kelly is", he says forcefully.

Jack and Vera are worried about their future. Jack thinks they should have a private chat with their local councillor [Audrey] and get their names down for a council flat, but Vera is adamant they should use their nest-egg to buy someplace of their own. Les arrives and orders a drink, and Jack immediately accuses him of buying his (almost stolen) coat. Leave it, warns Les - he's had a pile of aggro that morning and might just thump someone.

A quick return to the Malletts, where William and Rebecca Joyce are unofficially christened. [And talking of which, the UK statistics office revealed that Jack was the most popular name for boys last year, and John has fallen out of the top 100 entirely, having been itself the most popular name when they started keeping records back in the 50s. Now, this won't do. If you're having a baby soon, please do your bit and bring back John. Perfectly good name. Thank you.]

After an awful lot of unremitting gloom tonight, we have a brighter interlude in the Rovers, where Jim, Fred and Ken discuss Alf, with the Duckworths and Betty joining again. It is agreed that it wasn't at all a bad way to go, feet up in an armchair in the middle of a party. Jack reveals that Alf had been a bit of a wild thing himself in his younger days, three times married no less. He'd come by the corner shop by marrying Renee, his second wife, having already proposed to the previous shopowner, Betty's sister. [Now that *is* before my time, I'm afraid.] Apart from this rather unseemly desire to get his hands on the shop [:-)], Alf had been a thoroughly decent bloke. Oh yes. Well, apart from being a bit slow at getting his round in. Hmm, short arms and long pockets, definitely. No, a thoroughly decent bloke. And very strong minded. Even when his ideas were completely stupid. Totally pig-headed in fact. But still a very decent bloke. A well-timed silence, before they all decide maybe they'll have another drink. [And not of course the first time this sort of exchange has been scripted, but it was very well done, and worth having.]

As if we haven't seen enough of the missing link, the one and only Les turns up to see Nick and Leanne, to "warn them" that the police might be round to talk to them. No doubt he wants to tell them what their story should be, but it's too late he discovers as they say they have already told the police the truth. Les' definition of "the truth" is naturally what's best for him, and he gets very angry at the thought that his son has been "grassed up". He goes on to try to take his precious daughter away from this evil influence, but Leanne stands her ground and says she's with Nick, and doesn't regret anything he's said. Les announces that he's finished with the pair of them, in that case, and storms off. [And sadly, in such a fashion, does much of the strife in society proliferate.]

This episode was written by John Stevenson.

Well, everything to do with Alf's death was very well done tonight, but we also had to sit through the complete turn-off of the revolting Les Battersby ripping up whatever shreds of sympathy we had for the man in his ridiculous antics over the unmissed Greg. I for one hope he gets his come-uppance big style real soon. Maybe the hospital inquest will serve to put him firmly in place. We can but hope.

And a final farewell to Alfred Roberts.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2

I'm off home to shovel pizza down the kids, so we'll skip the spell check today and cart this straight off to the jolly Netscape News window. Drag, and ... drop.

John Laird


Monday 4 January

Hiya folks! :)

Well, it's not the best start to 1999, speaking from a purely update- based perspective (from all other perspectives, though, I certainly can't complain at all!!! :)))) since, two Mondays into the New Year and nary a single row of text has emerged from my fingers. I can only offer my whole-hearted apologies for this shameless display of post-festive slacking off and will now attempt to do the unthinkable and write two updates in one night! *gasp* Further apologies for any shortage of good quality gags and witty (!) observations that may result from this desperate attempt to get back on track in as little time possible... :) (Gawd, I'm getting worse than British Rail...)

The show opens as Audreh (who didn't have such a pleasant New Year as myself) sits at home, staring wide-eyed into space whilst clutching her late husband's favourite tie... Gail and Martin are also present, doing their best to comfort her. Gail is holding two of Alf's black suits and wonders which one they should use to dress the deceased with for the funeral. "You know", begins Audreh, misty-eyed and oblivious to her daughter, "Alfeh loved this tie... I wouldn't have minded... but it were cheap!" (Typical Audrey - brilliant!) but soon she snaps out of this trance and realises that there are things that need doing, in a flash she picking one of the two suits, telling Martin to go and polish Alf's shoes and checking with him that the obituary in the newspaper has been sorted out properly... Just then, who should enter through the door ("I... I hope you don't mind... the door was open") but Sir Royston Of Cropper! He offers his condolences (from both Hayley and himself - aww! :)) to the Weary Widow and then asks to have a swift word with Gail in the next room. They adjourn to the hallway where Sir Royston awkwardly tells his business partner that he has recieved a letter from 'The Bike Shop' and will be going over there shortly to confirm that he is accepting their offer on the Cafe. Gail is nothing short of *LIVID* that Roy has picked such an inopportune moment to talk business and tells him sternly that "SOME PEOPLE have got OTHER THINGS on their mind"! Poor Sir R can do nowt to stop her most evil of glares but apologises profusely for his poor timing before leaving with an unpleasant shadow of guilt hanging above his head.

So we cut to the Kabin where Sally and Rita are conversing about the former's future career in market trading. She is planning to set up a permanent knicker stall and is having some kind of meeting that very morning to finalise things. On top of this, in the afternoon (busy girl!) she has an appointment with her solicitor to "sort out custody once and for all... for the gurrrls' sake" (ut oh - the battle for the gurrrrls begins here!) which is perhaps a wee bit premature since, at the moment, she is sharing a flat with Rita and thus wouldn't really have the space for the kids anyway... At this point, Maxine walks into the shop, humbly, and approaches the Wacky Webster Woman, offering her sympathies regarding Gruesome Greg and apologising for "Being a right cow" to Sally when she tried to warn of Blandford's nastiness. The apology is accpeted and shortly after, Betty Turpin walks in greeting everyone and asking Rita how Audrey is getting on. Rita tells her that she's doing as well as can be expected and, as both her and Betty would know: "You might live with it, but you never get over it..."

Talentless Tilsley (or Nauseous Nick. Take your pick dependant on the extremity of your dislike for him ;)) exits the House of Elliot across the road with his wife, the Lovely Leanne. Ass Of The Year, Les Battersby sees him from across the road and yells stupidly "OI! WOT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?!" but Nick, under Leanne's advice, ignores these shouts. Janice appears from behind Les and tells him to shut up and "stop standing there with your chest puffed out like a daft kid", although he insists that Nick is a "grass" and deserves all he gets (well, at least he's right about the 2nd part... ;))...

Over at the Cornershop, Fred walks in and exclaims to Ashley "Much as it grieves me to stop you working, give that a rest and come over here a second will you?"... Ashley obliges, dutifully, but is somewhat surprised at what Fred has to say: "It's about time we got back into the butchery trade", begins the Human Foghorn, "Here, try this on for size"... With that, he hands the poor lad a traditional British Butcher's Hat to put on and, needless to say, Ashley is not best pleased! "What would I wanna wear that for?" he laughs, soon wishing he hadn't asked when Fred explains to him that he's opened up a branch of Elliot's Meat Counters within the local Freshco and has picked Ashley to be the Manager of it, whether he likes it or not! Obviously, Prince Peacock debates this, claiming he's quite happy where he is, managing the Cornershop, but he may as well be talking to the wall as his Uninterested Uncle tells him that he starts at the new Meat Counter first thing next week... No buts!

Over the other side of Weatherfield, Alma pulls up outside the Roberts' Household, only to find a devastated, spaced-out Audrey standing in the driveway in her dressing gown, doing some weeding (?)... She eventually snaps out of it and greets Alma with a weak smile. She ruminates on how Alfeh's shovel is still on the driveway and how she had told him a million times to shift it, in the past (tho I'm sure in real life, a helpful thief would have shifted it quite gladly)... Alma tells her that this is just "typical of fellas" (!) and adds that they should go inside before Audrey catches her death out here in nowt but a dressing gown. The Weary Widow muses that "This house was everything to me and Alfeh... But now he's not in it... it's just a house..."

...And with that we cut to the Mallet Household, littered with dirty nappies and general mess, the ghastly fallout of Double Baby Warheads (the most lethal kind, I'm told!) being dropped onto the premises. Jack and Vera Duckworth are there too, sitting on the couch, playing with the kiddies, as Gary walks around picking up said debris in a vain attempt to prepare for the next onslaught of destruction. Judy tells the Duckies that names have at last been picked and they've settled with William and Rebecca, which, it goes without saying, is instantly shortened to "BILLY AND BECKY!" by the inimitable Vee. Judy frowns at the abbreviation, perhaps realising that the behbehs are doomed to suffer this alliterated stigma for all eternity...

Meanwhile, Lady Hayley of Patterson, Sir Royston of Cropper and Googly Eyes of Mad MacDonald (all wearing humourous hard-hats) stand before the new scaffolding on Rosamund Street, surveying it intently. Steve rabbits on about how great the site is ("A prime location"), how quickly it can be ready ("But I'll have to hire more men") and how he can build a cold storage space at the back ("But it'll cost. Everything in catering, I say, everything in catering costs." - Incidentally, Simon Gregson *DID* do a spot-on John Savident impression for that particular line)... Roy is sold hook line and sinker on this but the look on Hayley's face suggests that she is somewhat more skeptical of Steve's credibility...

Across the road, The Duckies get into a taxi, heading off to Blackpool, just as Tyrone and Jackie Dobbs appear from out of nowhere. Jack corners the Boy Tyrone and asks for a favour but unfortunately the kid is ahead of him: "NO WAY!" he splutters, "I'm not feeding them pigeons again!" but when Jack offers him first a fiver, then a tenner, the misshapen youth agrees to undertake the task... "You've got a right little shark there!" harps Vera, referring to the lad's haggling prowess... "I knooooow", coos Jackie Dobbs, "Don't it make you proud?"

Meanwhile inside the pub, Janice, Alison and (Boooo hissss) Linda Sykes sit around a table, having a lunchtime drink. Across the other side of the bar, Kevin is having a pint with Gary Mallett but doesn't seem to interested in the conversation at hand. Instead, it seems, he wishes to make eyes at Alison from across the room, a deed that doesn't go unreturned. The other girls tease poor Alison and urge her to go over and say something to the Manic Mechanic, but she's far too shy to do so. Meanwhile, Gary suggests the same kind of thing to Kevin but he too is far too sheepish to do anything more than flutter his eyelids at her... So we cut across to Fred and Ashley sitting a booth, talking heatedly about this new meat counter. Prince Peacock is unhappy that Fred didn't consult him before planning this sudden job relocation but, of course, the Burly Butcher swears up and down that this is all for Ash's own good and "in the wider scheme of things", it's a massive career progression. Needless to say, the weaker arguement defeats the stronger and when Ashley protests "First you tell me to stand up for myself then you trample all over me, I don't know whether I'm coming or going!", Fred replies "I'll sort that out right now for you... You're going!"... Cue pouts.

As Alison leaves the pub and heads off down the road, she's hotly pursued by Kevin who stops her with a smile. He explains carefully that he "wasn't trying it on" with their New Year's Display Of Affection but, although he was admittedly drunk, that wasn't the only reason he kissed her. He wanted to do it anyway. She tells him this feeling is mutual and a Nation goes "awwwwwww". :) What a sweet couple!

END OF PART ONE

The adverts are naff. They open with a particularly duff one. Some American chap with a voice like nails on a blackboard morphs himself into a hammer to whack himself against the side of a car again and again in order to prove it's integrity... My mind boggles over this absurdity throughout the rest of the commercial break and before I have chance to work out what it's all about, why we're here and what the meaning of life is, we're back to Corrie Street. :)

(Incidentally, for anyone following the adverts intently, Kate Moss is *STILL* "at war with split ends", targetting them with her posh shampoo and shooting them dead... For how many more years are they going to keep repeating this awful advert???)

PART TWO
Ashley and Fred are still in the pub debating the benefits of this move to Frescho and the Beefy Butcher is still winning, as he admits that he's already found a replacement for Ashley to take over at the Cornershop. He once more hands the ridiculous butcher's hat to RAsh, who reluctantly accepts the silly headwear, thus indicating the battle has been fought and lost. Ashley is now officially to be the new manager of Elliot's Meat Counter in Freshco... So we cut across to the other end of the pub, at a table where Sir Royston sits, chatting with Googly Eyes MacDonald. Googers is trying to sell Our Hero a new kitchen with all the fittings and Roy is quite impressed by this. "Do you think there's room for a flat upstairs too?" he asks and Steve responds... "Roy, if you've got the cash we can put in a luxury bathroom, indoor swimming pool, a sauna, the lot!" and Sir R, missing the sarcasm, responds naively "No.. no.. I don't think that will be necessary" as we cut to Alma and Gail, who are sitting in the booth that only a few seconds ago was home to Fred and Ashley (both of whom had full pints!) ... *** CONTINUITY ERROR ! CONTINUITY ERROR ! HIT THE DECK! *** There's a very brief exchange between these two ladies as they discuss the state of Audrey and both wish they could be of some more use to the grieving widow. THEN SUDDENLY, Fred, who is now dressed in full butcher's garb (!!) enters the pub (!!!!), carrying a tray of sandwiches (!!!!!!) and takes them out back, under instruction from Natalie! (COME ON, PRODUCTION! You could at least have inserted a scene *outside* the pub to make this look a little less strange!) ... Fred asks Natalie if he can drop flyers around the pub to advertise his new meat counter and a nearby Les Battersby suggests that "A free pint with every pie" would be a great opening offer! Nat tells the Boorish One to "shut up" just as Leanne steps up to the bar and also gets a mouthful from Les about her husband, Nick, who allegedly "stitched up our Greg"! He then goes off on a tangent, saying that now that Alf's died, Leanne and Nick probably stand to inherit something, being related to him and all... (I'm sorry to say this, but Les makes less and less sense with each episode that passes. He just launches into the most bizarre, nonsenical and illogical tirades of venom about anything and indeed everything with no prompt or reason! He is fastly becoming one of the most tedious characters on the Street!)

Rita and Sally are now sitting at a table nearby (What is this? Musical Chairs?) and Sally isn't happy with how her visit to the Solicitors' Office went. They apparently told her (quite rightly) that without a proper permanent residency she doesn't stand a chance of getting child custody and this has somehow surprised her (!)... Rita, meanwhile, is in another world, still thinking about Alf and how his death has really struck a blow, especially since it followed directly on from Alec walking on out her (and indeed Weatherfield itself!)... As ever, Barbara Knox is convincing as Rita in her evident grief as she laments on how her life has suddenly been turned upside down.

Over at the Cafe, late night now, we are treated to a very sweet scene in which Hayley (clad in the notorious six ft dressing gown!) comes downstairs to find a troubled Roy mulling over some paperwork. She sits down with him at a table and tells him that she's concerned that he might be biting off more than he can chew and warns him to be careful. "I'm worried that you're overdoing it", she says softly, explaining "It's only because I care about you"... Roy extends his hand across the table and puts it over her's... "I know you do Hayley", he says with great sincerity, "I'd never take that forgranted and I appreciate your concern"... He then goes on to ask her if she thinks that the proposed ground for the new Cafe is too close to the Rovers for it's own good. The worried look on her face indicates she doesn't have an answer for this just yet or at least not one she wants to break to Roy.

So we cut over to the Rovers again (now post-closing time) where all has gone deathly quiet. Only Natalie and Betty remain inside and after a brief exchange of small-talk, Nat tells the Mistress Of The HotPot to go home. As Betty disappears around the back, Natalie takes a look out across the body of the pub, smiles and turns off the light. Kudos to Denise Welch for managing to scream out "IT'S ALL MINE! IT'S ALL MINE! HAHAHAHA!" without actually opening her mouth or making a single sound. :)

We wrap things up over at Plattingham Palace: Gail returns from Audrey's house and sinks into the armchair (the same armchair that Alf *died* in, only a few days before, I should add... Yeuch!)... Martin, who is sitting on the couch, is a tad distressed however and when asked what's wrong, he explains it's Mr Millenium's insurance policy. Apparently, Alfeh, being a bit of a cheapskate, took out a cheaper policy than he perhaps should've and it expired at (get this) midnight, December 31st, 1998... *BIG MASSIVE UNAVOIDABLE GROAN*... Thus, it appears, since Alf wasn't pronounced dead until (technically) January 1st 1999, Audrey can't collect a penny off his life insurance. Dooh... *bad bad plotline alert*... Mercifully cue credits!

***

So, aside from the cringeful 'twist in the tale' that was the final scene and aside from the increasingly surreal nonsense spewing forth from the mouth of Battersby, tonight's show was keeping in the vein of the last few weeks and, thus, was rather impressive. Nothing much happening in the way of high (read: Overblown) action, just some nice exchanges of dialogue, a bit of character development and a pleasant peek into the residents of The Nation's favourite Street. Written by Stephen Bennett, with a few nice lines here and there, reminding me I could really get used to this *character-driven* drama rather than the rather dire way things seemed to be heading a month or so ago where beatings, drug dealings, murders and illicit sex were the order of the day.

Nice stuff... And with that late update out of the way, let's move on to next week's.............. :)

The Rattler

This Update was sponsored by Squarepusher (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking...)


Wednesday 6 January

Well, it's my first update of the New Year, and a good funeral to kick it off with! How did your New Year go? Mine wasn't at all bad and things seem to have got off to a flying start in 1999 with the possibility of Romance in the air - a transatlantic correspondence that's been going on slowly for a few months has blossomed in the last few days into a flurry of romantic emails. My feet are barely touching the ground, though I'm counting on nothing, as there is something crucial I haven't told the young man yet.

And talking of Romance, I did hear on the Quaker grapevine (it exists you know) that a CS researcher has been making enquiries at Friends House and elsewhere about "alternative" marriage procedures and ceremonies of commitment - usually adopted by people who are otherwise prevented from marrying legally. Now, I wonder who this could apply to, thinking of getting spliced in the coming year?

Anyway, back to funerals. They are such gifts to a show, aren't they? Better than weddings, because they allow so much more scope for bitchiness. Not least because we get to see how well or otherwise various people look in black. Most of us, I suppose, like to think we look good in black, but it's not all that many who can really carry it off.

Black doesn't become Gail, for example, who is putting the finishing touches to her outfit as Martin arrives, having presumably collected Sarah and David, here making one of their rare appearances, from school as they are wearing their school uniforms. Gail clearly has something delicate on her mind, as she immediately resorts to the old Webster trick of sending the children upstairs to wash their faces and hands. Though David needs some reassurance, he's worried that he will have to look at Granddad's dead body - but Gail puts him right, it will only be a wooden coffin. But, one wonders, how can they tell the difference?

Gail's concern is evident once the children are out of the way - Audrey hasn't mentioned the insurance, but what will Martin do if she asks him? Gail is keen that Martin shouldn't tell her anything until after the funeral as "there's no telling what she might do".

Janice, Linda and Alison are whiling away their lunchbreak in the Rovers - they aren't going to the funeral, which is a shame because I'm sure Alison would look stunning in black, though her dark clothes give a pretty good suggestion of this. "It's some old bloke called Alf Roberts - he's only Nick's granddad, you know, whose married to our Leanne". Janice should be going to the funeral, but she isn't, "because Nick's dad, e tried to poison our Les while e were in ospital".

Linda doesn't care who's dead so long as it gets Baldwin off her back for an afternoon.

Leanne rushes up to them, in black and looking pretty good. Has Janice got a black scarf she can borrow? Because Nick says none of the one's she's got are right for a funeral. Janice and Leanne leave to look for one.

I'd love to say Natalie looked great in black but she looks washed out too, behind the bar with Lorraine. Lorraine, as ever, is concerned for Natalie's well-being, but she's "not going to curl up into a ball every time somebody mentions the word funeral'". At least this time all she has to worry about is the catering, and right on cue, Betty appears to tell her the food's all ready and just needs bringing through.

Rita enters the bar with a sheepish-looking Sally in tow, and orders drinks for the two of them. Turning to offscreen, right, she asks if whoever it is has seen anything of Audrey. It turns out to be Alma, sitting at the bar with Mike. (Alma is not wearing black for the funeral, though I'm sure she'd look splendid if she did. Mike is in grey and looks like, well, Mike). Sally wonders if Audrey had seen Alf's death coming, as he had been in poor health for some time, so Rita becomes philosophical; she doesn't think anybody ever sees it coming. This is Mike's cue for a characteristically tasteless jibe: "Well, she didn't see much of him, did she, she was in here five nights of the week boozing with Fred Elliot!". Alma, Rita and Sally are thoroughly embarrassed by this outburst. "Well, it's true!" protests Mike. Whereupon Rita turns on the prim schoolma'am: "True or not, ay don't think we need remaynding of it today!"

Les Battersby sits in his accustomed position in the armchair, with newspaper, as Janice comes downstairs clutching a sober grey scarf that will do for Leanne. Les has to be in on the act, so he remarks "So there's going to be food in the Rovers, eh?" Leanne impatiently points out that the food is only for them that's been to t'funeral, provoking a witticism from Les in his usual exquisite good taste: "Oh well, I'll have Alf's then, he won't be wanting it". Les thinks this is very funny, but all it earns him from the two women is withering looks.

Leanne's departure reminds Les that he is suffering from attention deficit again, so he climbs on his hobby-horse. He supposes that "Florence" will be at the funeral, still on his paid leave. "There's justice for you," he asserts, "a feller tries to kill yer, and they pay him for stopping off work". Janice, whom one feels has not entirely believed Les up till now, starts to think he might just be serious, but wonders why, if this is the case, that the police haven't been involved. Les has to think about this for some time, the cogs in his brain are rusty, but his face lights up as he finds an explanation. "Maybe it's because of im they're burying!" he exclaims excitedly, implying a corrupt relationship between Alderperson Roberts and the Chief Constable (presumably they are masons). The trouble for me in this scenario, which I find stretches credulity, is that Janice appears to believe Les. "But that's awful!" she says, horrified. Well, reflects Les, that's justice, the world's full of it. And he reclines once more into smug satisfaction.

Audrey is at home, playing the family matriarch to an assortment of Platts. "We're all going to say goodbye to Granddad aren't we?" she says condescendingly, and they assent without enthusiasm before being dispatched to the kitchen to find a biscuit. More Websterism - there must be delicate matters to be raised and sure enough, Audrey has had a letter from the insurance company, and would Martin have a look at it because she doesn't understand it and surely there's some mistake. Martin goes wearily to have a look at the letter, he's going to have to put up with a lot of this tonight. But Audrey tries to rally herself and the family, she wants them all together because, heart-rendingly, "we were a family weren't we?". She, of course, is trying to convince herself as much as anybody, there's a lot of guilt in her. She's sorry for not giving Gail a father to begin with - but she found one eventually didn't she? "He was a good man - one you could rely on".

In the corner shop, Ashley is confiding his troubles in Maude. "Why doesn't he ask me what I want instead of what he thinks best?". Maude is ready to soothe things. "Because that's the way he is - though he might not be right on the odd occasion".

Right on cue, he' comes blundering in. "RIGHT, ARE WE READY THEN?" Maude, who isn't glamorous but looks terrific in black - and Canadian readers will want to know that she wore her silver maple-leaf brooch to the funeral, and very stylish it looks, has been ready for the last hour. Ashley isn't ready at all, he's tied to the shop for the afternoon (when I were a lass oop North, corner shops closed for funerals!). "WELL COME ON WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP ALF WAITING". Ashley is still thinking about what Fred had said and tells him so in an attempt to be defiant. "NOWT TO THINK ABOUT, YOU START NEXT WEEK". Ashley can only look on, defeated.

Nick and Leanne finally arrive at Audrey's, having been held up in traffic, so the funeral party is full assembled. The coffin has already arrived. "This is the hard bit" says Gail. "I know," says Audrey, "I've got to do it without him". The children - still in their school uniforms (why?), are dispatched with Nick and Leanne so that Audrey can fret some more about her letter. Gail tries to defer discussion until after the funeral but Audrey is adamant, she wants to know there and then. Martin, reluctantly, has to admit that her fears are well-founded - she probably won't get anything. Audrey almost breaks down, but rallies herself in time for the funeral. We find ourselves inside the church, or is it the cathedral, which would be an appropriate place for a civic funeral service if Weatherfield has one. Some kind soul will no doubt be able to tell us where this was filmed, it is certainly a splendid Victorian interior anyway. The focus is on a pew in which Rita and Betty are reminiscing about Alf while Sally sits uncomfortably, eyes fixed ahead of her. Kevin, who looks rather good in his dark suit and black tie (and I'd love to see him in a dinner jacket) approaches Sally. Can she pick up the girls from school so he can finish his work afterwards? Rita, perhaps trying to patch up the Webster marriage, suggests that they can all budge up to let Kevin in, but Kevin declines, and goes off to sit at the back.

As we watch him do so, he passes the civic dignitaries, in chains of office, making their way up the aisle, and then we pan across to the other side of the church, where Blanche and Deirdre sit with Ken and Emily in front of them. The exchange of stage whispers which follows is worth recording verbatim:

Blanche: "Who do they think they are?"

Deirdre (hissing): "It's the mayor and mayoress!"

Blanche: "Well you know my opinion of politicians, all in it for what they can get!"

[Ken and Emily are playing out an elaborate pantomime of pretending not to hear]

Deirdre: "Even Alf?" Blanche: "Especially Alf! When you look how he started, and what he ended up with" [She grabs Ken's shoulder] "You'll agree with me won't you Kenneth, I mean, you're a Socialist"

Ken (irritated, without looking round): "I'm just an old friend of Alf's as far as today is concerned".

Emily (primly): "Which is what I hope we all are!"

At the back, on the other side, sit Maude, a grim-looking Fred, Alma and Mike. Mike is still dressed in unfunereal light grey and feeling decidedly frisky. Perhaps it's the rather striking dark-haired young lady in the pew in front that's making him frisky, we shall never know, or even know who she is, I expect. Leaning across Alma, he instructs Fred to behave himself, "no trying to get off with the widow!", and is rewarded with one of those looks that Fred keeps in his deep freezer for occasions such as this. "I shall ignore that remark!" he retorts. Maude will have none of it. "Well I shalln't! Show some respect can't you? This is a church, not an alehouse!". Perhaps to distract him, Alma asks Mike if he's switched his mobile phone off. Yes, of course he has! He insists, but pulls it out anyway to switch it off.

All rise. Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come! The service continues...

Judy Mallett isn't wearing black, though she is yet another who would look well if she did. Gary is sitting, looking very pleased with life and holding both twins (but WHY, I want to know, have they been given dummies, I hate the things. And anyway, isn't ten days a bit young for dummies?) She's decided she's too late for the funeral, and she's so tired she'd fall asleep half way through. There's too much to do even to go to the cemetery. "Well," she says, "if Alf's watching, he'll know there's two very good reasons why she can't".

And aren't those twins gorgeous!

Outside the church it's raining heavily, the pathetic fallacy is being laid on thick. "SQUARE AS THEY COME WERE ALF", remarks Fred to Audrey. The Mayor and Mayoress approach Audrey with the council's official condolences to Cllr Roberts, and there's an extra surprise for her too. Alf was Mr Millennium, and very proud he was too. Would Audrey like to inherit the title? You bet she would! And as for Fred, why that grin will split his face in too if he's not careful, as he takes Audrey's shoulders in his meaty and proprietorial hands.

Deirdre, Ken and Emily are exchanging reminiscences of Alf as they walk down the path accompanied by Blanche, who has other thoughts which she feels she needs to share. "That's because he wanted your vote - and your money!". "Oh do shut up!" snaps Deirdre, shocking the others. "Well, I'm sorry, but there are limits!". "Huh," says Blanche huffily, "don't worry - you don't want to listen to me, you don't have to. I'll pack the minute I get back." Of she flounces, and Deirdre's sense of relief is palpable. "Ooh she's driving me mad!"

Audrey can't take her mind of the insurance. She's wondering out loud to Martin and Gail how long Alf had been dead before he was noticed. Gail tries once again to put her off till after the funeral is over, but she's still adamant. "Everybody keeps telling me my life must go on - and you know, I'm just beginning to wonder just how". Gail and Martin look at each other, exasperated.

I N T E R M I S S I O N

Christmas being over, there's a dearth of ads so we get a trailer for "Heartbeat", featuring the inimitable Aretha Franklin singing "I say a little prayer". Quite made the ad break for me!

We're in the Rovers for the send-off. In one alcove, Mike, Alma, Audrey and Rita are sitting. Audrey apologises on behalf of the Mayor, who apparently would have joined them but he had another funeral to attend - the councillors and ex-councillors of Weatherfield must be dropping like flies. This other funeral is however, as Mike is quick to point out, to be followed with a meal afterwards at the golf club. Rita points out that the pub is what Alf would have wanted, presumably being a skinflint. Audrey takes her opportunity to preen about being Mrs Millennium, walking straight into a Mike jibe - "Mrs Millennium makes you sound a thousand years old!". This is not what Audrey wants to hear.

At the bar, Martin is wondering if Audrey has forgiven Alf yet for the insurance policy. She seems to have perked up at the cemetery anyway, apparently she was the star there.

Deirdre is sounding off to Ken, Emily and Betty, she's not shedding any tears about her mother going. There is some muttering about how somebody had to shut her up. But Blanche has had other ideas - here she comes now. "Oh no!" says Deirdre. Betty thinks it's politic to leave at this point. What she actually says is "Anyway, I'm going to drop in and see, er, Judy, and have a look at those little babies".

Blanche has gone circumspectly to the bar to order her large vodka and tonic and to ask Natalie if her daughter is looking at her. Well, anyway, she has as much right to be in there as anybody.

Maude and Fred are discussing the Ashley problem. Maude thinks that deep down he wants to go to the new job, but he's just like his uncle Fred, an obstinate so-and-so, and doesn't like being shouted at. Fred booms out, spattering crumbs everywhere from his full mouth "OH I'VE GOT TO TALK NICELY TO IM AVE I? NEVER MIND I'M IS EMPLOYER AND I'M PAYING IM!". But Maude points out that Fred doesn't pay him a lot and at least he might try talking nicely to him, just to see what he says.

Audrey comes over to their table. Fred's mouth is still crammed full as he greets her eagerly. Audrey is fretting again, she asks Fred exactly when Alf died. Fred assumes this is because she's blaming herself for not doing enough to save him.

At the bar, a drunken Les is buttering up Jackie with some homely philosophy. "Funerals! They remind you of how short life is don't they?" Jackie, squirming away from him, reminds him that he used that line at the last funeral and it won't wash any more. Thanks for the drinks, but it's home time. "See yer next funeral!" are her parting words.

Natalie, looks thoughtful, or perhaps depressed. Busy Lorraine is, as ever, concerned for her. But yes, she is thinking about Des, she does that all the time, not just because of today. But what she was really thinking of was redecorating the pub.

Her thoughts are broken by Les, slurring out an order for a large whisky. Disappointed at being dumped by Jackie, he tries it on Natalie, telling her how good she looks. That won't work today either: "Thanks love, that's because you're drunk". Being as she's in a good mood she'll let him have just one more. It's just not Les's day, his face shows it.

Maude and Fred have returned to the corner shop, so that Maude can relieve Ashley for a break. "How was the funeral?" asks Ashley. "They'll all all right, so long as they're not your own" reflects Maude, and you can't argue with that, after all you miss all the fun at your own.

Fred is determined to try being nicer to Ashley. He does this by adopting the stance of a Dickensian beadle, his face shining with fake benevolence and his big silly grin showing his sharp and glistening teeth. "NOW THEN OUR ASHLEY, HOW ARE YOU?". Ashley is on his guard immediately. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, defensively. It gets worse. Fred is just showing concern, he's not just Ashley's employer, he's also his uncle, and more importantly, his friend! And is Ashley grateful? Not a bit of it. "Have you been boozing?" he wants to know. So much for talking nicely - Fred looks daggers at Maude, who takes over trying to defuse this rather ugly situation. She tries her best to persuade Ashley that the butchers job is the best thing for him, and it will get him out of the shop. And he needn't worry about leaving her on her own because she's sure Fred will get somebody in to help her.

This last does not please Fred one bit. "OH JUST GIVE ME ORDERS, I'M ONLY T'EMPLOYER!"

"And you can always come back if you want to", says Maude to Ashley.

Fred is even less pleased. "OH CAN E!". But all this gets him is a glare and a sharp "Aye!" from Maude, you turns once more to Ashley and asks him what he thinks. There's a long pause, and then "Yeah, well, all right then!".

"WONDERFUL!" exclaims Fred, triumphantly, "SO START NEXT WEEK!". He turns to leave, but fires a final shot from the door: "AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING ANY MORE MONEY COS YOU'RE NOT!"

Back in the Rovers, Blanche has decided to reintroduce herself to the circle. She's decided magnanimously to forgive Deirdre. "We know what she's like Ken don't we, says things one day, regrets them the next". Deirdre has had enough. Ken thinks everybody's like that. "Oh, not quite everybody, there is one person who never seems to regret anything". And now it's Deirdre's turn to flounce off. "Who's that?" asks a mystified Blanche.

At the Mallett's, Betty has been making a big fuss of the twins and is now just off. She understands perfectly why Judy has missed the funeral. As she goes, a very tired-looking Judy and Gary, nursing a twin apiece, snuggle up on the sofa. But peace is to be denied them as a commotion heralds the entry of Emily, Ken and Blanche.

It's the end of the shift at Underworld, Linda and Alison emerge into the darkness giggling. Linda spots Kevin closing up the garage. "Hey, it's your boyfriend!" says Linda to Alison. The latter protests but the stars in her eyes give her away. "No but you'd like him to be!" says Linda, suggesting that Alison find a pretext to go over and talk to him. They are thwarted by the emergence of Sally from the Webster house; she goes to Kevin and tells him she's picked up the girls from school as he asked. This throws a damper on things as it now appears to Linda and especially Alison that the Websters are not as split as they thought they were. As they walk off disconsolately into the darkness, Kevin looks after them. Alison turns and their eyes meet. A soft and gentle smile plays across Kevin's lips - love becomes him! Clearly Kevin has relinquished his position as President of the Bitter and Twisted Club of Great Britain (Weatherfield Chapter) - no doubt Ashley is about to step into his shoes. But Sally is now stranded, and serves her right if you ask me.

Janice arrives home from work to find Les slumped in his armchair. She panics. But he's only drunk. Still, it gets her worrying about Martin, and the long term effects of the incident. Les remembers that he seems to be sleeping more in the daytime than he used to - and that can't be anything to do with being drunk, can it! Perhaps, suggests Janice, he ought to go to the doctors. Well, a cup of tea will do for now. On her way to the kitchen, Janice stops to observe that if Les had died, Martin would now be locked up facing a murder charge. "You expect these things to appen abroad, but you don't expect them to happen on your own doorstep."

Audrey is at home with Martin and Gail, still fretting. "Don't let it spoil your memories of him" advises Gail. Audrey reflects; "All my memories of him are of him trying to save money. What's that saying, you can't take it with you? Perhaps I should have gone through his pockets because I bet he tried!". Gail reminds her that it was because Alf was so careful with money that he has the house and the salon.

Janice brings Les his cup of tea. She's been thinking about what he said, about t'police, and Alf. Les is trying to drop this as he feels himself getting out of his depth, but Janice persists, she's going to the police. She doesn't care about compensation, she wants justice. She's halfway out of the door when Les desperately tries to stop her. "You'll land me in jail if you do!" he yells. It's Martin that Janice wants to see in jail. But Les now feels it's time to save his skin and confess - he thought it was best kept to himself - but Martin never gave him them pills, he helped himself.

"YER WHAT?" demands a horrified Janice.

And that's yer lot.

Wonderful! A peach of an episode! Well done Peter Whalley for the super script with so many brilliant one-liners.

And now it's award time. Shall it go to Sue Nicholls, for a very good performance as the widow with something nagging at her mind? Or to Maggie Jones for a super cameo as a waspish Blanche? A tricky one. But let's look at who didn't hit anybody, didn't whinge, wasn't bitchy, was totally believable in role, and looked utterly delightful.

Yes, this week's award goes jointly to Megan Foster and Lewis Ablatt for their portrayals of Rebecca and William Mallett, and may we see many more of them!

Pip pip!

Rosalind


Friday 8 January

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

Back to school for Trude, back to college for Simon. Trude started her new job, with the first two days of the week set aside for inset training. This gave her a chance to get to know her new colleagues. It looks as is they are a pretty good bunch, mainly at the younger end, with a lively sense of humour. This was evidenced by her getting her coffee in a dinosaur mug - purely coincidental with her 51st birthday this coming Saturday!!! Hahahahah!! The class she has taken over - 7 and 8 year olds - had 10 different teachers last term and are in desperate need of continuity and stability, so she will be looking after them both for the remainder of this year and the next academic year again. When she told them that this would be the situation, many couldn't get their heads around this. A joy to see her being able to run her own show again, rather than playing second fiddle in a support role.

Si is back at college and it's GCE "A" level mock exams this coming week. Very much a crunch time for him and, no doubt, the next few weeks are going to be taken up evaluating university/college offers.

This weekend is Trude's birthday - she knows there is a surprise in store, but not what it is. we are actually going for a weekend in London, combining it with an impromptu micro-ping for a good IRC pal of mine, Jubblyjub. Jackie - originally a Londoner, who has lived in Canada and, more recently, in Australia - is coming back to the UK from Queensland, following the death of her nan, so it'll be a real pleasure to meet up with her and some of the crowd on the #coro_street channel and the Guest Book.

On the channel, the last week or so has seen some nice atmosphere in the form of recorded "Happy New Year" messages being passed around. Elaine in Australia had the wonderful idea of putting these together into a group #coro_street wave. A number of us were involved in the process, the whole thing very nicely rounded off by dear Annie, who mixed in the Coronation Street theme. A real nice effort, very much the epitome of what #coro_street is all about - the bonus is at the end with a message from a very special friend. To hear the greeting, point your browser at http://www.prosper.demon.co.uk/corrie/internet/hny99.htm - thanks and love to all involved. Enjoy!!!!

The episode commences at Battersby Battlements. It's breakfast time. The brown sauce is on the table, there's a big fry up on the plate. Bang! Janice slams down on the table a bottle of red top milk, which she has just brought in. She is in a pretty foul mood. It doesn't help when Les complains he could have choked. Not to worry, she replies, she could always have dragged Martin Platt in from across the road, he's a nurse but he doesn't have a job any more, thanks to Les. But Les isn't bothered - according to him, Martin was no good at it anyway, he's done him a favour, maybe he'll now be able to get a job to which he is more suited, like selling double glazing. Janice is furious, he has some nerve - there she was, worried out of her mind, that something might happen to Les, all the time there was nothing wrong with him. Les reminds her that he very nearly died, but she reminds him of the other half of the story - it was his own stupid fault, now he's daft enough to think he can get away with blaming somebody else. When he asks who is going to stop him, her reply is that he is looking at that person. He cannot believe she would do it, but she tells him in no uncertain terms that he needs an injection of reality and that folk like them do not get away with things like this - only because they are not bold enough to take on the system. There is nothing wrong with the system, she tells him, but his mind is focused on the £1/4 million which they stand to get. "Oh no, we won't" she tells him, "because I'm having nowt to do with this." With that, she storms out of he house, slamming the door behind her. Les cannot believe that she is taking this stance but very quickly has to cover up, as Toyah has come down the stairs, enquiring what is going on. "Nothing, petal" he bluffs, but she has seen his mood and probes further. He makes out that he is worried about her mother going out to work, while he is the head of the house. ROTFL - this produces a predictable reaction of disbelief from Toyah, who tells him she KNOWS he is up to something.

Over at the Platts, Audrey is in mourning following the death of her husband. Over the breakfast table, Gail tells her that there is no point dwelling over the timing of Alf's death - it's not going to change anything. In any case, she continues, it's not all bad news. Audrey cannot quite see it that way and asks Gail to remind her of the good bits, after all, it's no fun being left practically penniless. Gail and Martin try to get Audrey to concentrate on the positives, there is the house, the estate, and she is going to be beneficiary. Poor Audrey is not in a good frame of mind and says that, with her luck, the house will probably be double-mortgaged and that somewhere along the line, there is a little maiden aunt who will contest the will.

Nick has come down the stairs and overheard their conversation. When he realises they are talking about his granddad, he goes off all upset. Martin, Gail and Audrey recognise that, it's not just them who are grieving, Nick has lost his granddad. Gail goes to comfort Nick. While all this is going on, Martin has been opening his post - a dismayed groan precedes the announcement "Oh, great!!!!! Platt vs. Battersby - next week." The tribunal hearing is all they need, as is evident from their reactions - sometimes it never stops raining.

At Fred's Emporium, Gary has popped in for some choccie supplies to keep the energy levels going - they are more enjoyable than matchsticks anyway, surely. Enter Fred with Customer Care hat on. "Hallo, hallo, the new father.... And how's little Bill and Ben?" he asks. "Becky" corrects Maud. "And how's the lady wife?" he continues. Getting used to the lack of sleep, replies Gary. "That's the spirit, all hands t'deck, heh?" he continues, face beaming. Maud isn't smiling at all - she is on her own in the shop and could do with some help. Fred informs her that it's all hand.

At that point, Scouse Slagette has entered the shop - she quickly gets whiff of a possible job vacancy and informs him that she's a dab hand at the till. Fred isn't impressed and tells her in no uncertain terms that he wants someone to put money in, not take money out!!!! Yeaouch!!! Gary chuckles and this time, it's Jackie's turn not to be amused.

Steve has come into the shop, just behind Jackie - work is piling up and Steve is very short-handed, so he wonders when Gary was thinking of coming back to work. Gary is non-committal, probably not being able to see further than the nearest matchstick, he'll have to talk to Judy. Steve continues to press for an answer, everyone is on bonus and there's overtime. "Little Bill and Ben won't thank you if you've got no money to give 'em" booms RFred - "it's William and Rebecca" corrects Gary. "Becky is a lovely name" muses Maud - "it's not Becky" insists Gary, "it's Rebecca." Fred reminds Gary that "Rebecca or Becky, Bill or William, it's your role to put bread on t'table." Gary cannot disagree with this train of thought, especially as they get child benefit at a reduced rate. He goes on to explain how they get full benefit for the first child but a reduced amount for the second, it's not as if they don't eat as much or use as many nappies. That's disgusting" opines a shocked Maud. (Mebbe luv, but my mam never got any when I were a lad, in those days the rules meant that no benefit was payable for the first child, it only commenced for subsequent children - mind you, we had it tough. We prayed for a cardboard box in which to live - you tell that to the kids of today and they don't believe you :) ..) As Fred has provided Steve with his close, Slimeball moves in for the kill, "so I can count you in then, mate, can I?" Gary is still not sure, but when Slimeball plays the ace "she'll need the cash", he caves in, much to Steve's delight.

After he has left the shop, Maud points out to Fred that now he has sorted out Steve's problem, how about hers? He tells her not to worry, he has had words with WARTS colleagues and is expecting someone this afternoon, who comes highly recommended. Maud ain't impressed.

At Roy's Rolls, the door opens to reveal something being wheeled in on a trolley. It's a bulky package and it's all wrapped up. Gail doesn't have a clue what it is, but Roy clearly does - he has omitted to tell her but it appears he has had first refusal on a second hand Espresso machine - "and cappuccino, I believe they're very popular." Gail looks at him as if he has landed from another planet. He has got this from a friend of Toyah's father's, he tells her. "You don't mean Charlie West?" asks Gail. Our naïve proprietor admits this is the case, "I do, as it happens - do you know him?" Gail is cynical - so this is the piece of equipment which is going to change their fortunes, she asks? Roy thinks it could be very popular among those who have holidayed abroad, after all they are increasingly converging with Europe these days, "I think we should be more open to our continental neighbours... in my view." (reminds you of the phrase 'and the meek shall inherit the earth... if that's alright with you'). Gail's response is plain and simple, "you master it and show me how it works" - a slightly perplexed Roy responds "it can't be that difficult" (said he, hopefully).

Nick is being consoled by Audrey - when you are young, you assume people will go forever and that's how Nick has viewed Uncle Alf. He's upset and wonders, in view of what he has heard about the insurance policy, whether Alf was a skinflint - no, "it's the silly old insurance company's fault, if anything", replies Audrey, "what's a couple of minutes here and there, anyway?" Quite a lot, if it stops them paying out, comments Martin. Audrey is now looking to probe regarding the timing of Alf's death and asks Nick whether he is sure granddad was still alive after midnight. Nick is riddled with guilt - he is sure of Alf being alive, but not on the timing. No, he was not twitching, he was waving - what if Uncle Alf knew something was wrong and was trying to attract attention, yet all Nick had done was to wave back. He breaks down in tears and Audrey tries, again, to reassure him - Alf would have gone happy knowing that everyone was having a good time. Martin suggests it might be an idea if she had a word with the insurance company, in fact, if she does it this afternoon, he'll come with her. "Right, you're on! I'll show them what a difference a couple of minutes can make.....", she replies in a determined manner. Turning to Nick, she adds " a couple of minutes with me....", laughing, in an attempt to chivvy Nick out of his grief.

Back at the café, the Espresso machine has been installed and Roy is meticulously pouring out a cuppa. Enter Hayley, who is pleased to see it installed, "Hey!! Roy!!! That looks smart!!! Have you got it going?", she asks enthusiastically. "Well, not as such" replies Roy (you mean "No"), admitting he might need some help, apparently there are some teething troubles. Gail comes on as the Company Comedian, "Teething? The thing's so old it's got dentures." Boom-boom!! It appears it has arrived with instructions - but, wait for it - they are in Italian. He picks up the booklet and starts reading the instructions laboriously in Italian, as if he understands the drift. Our Hayley, however, is quick on the uptake - "check the gasket" it means.

Roy continues "Ce la non lavatrice" (pronouncing it "la-va-tress"). Hayley - "Lavatrice?" (pronouncing it "la-va-tri-che"). R - "Si." H - "You said 'lavatrice'?" R - "Si." Gail "Is that important?" H - "I think it might be, yeah. 'Lavatrice' is Italian for washing machine - I think you've got the wrong manual!" ...pause... G, knowingly looking at Roy - "See!!!" Roy silently looks crestfallen, firstly at Gail, then at Hayley. Awwwwww. (Wonderful stuff!!!! ROTFL!!)

At Battersby Battlements, Janice comes in through the door, for lunch. In the background, the radio is playing Helen Shapiro's 1962 hit "Let's Talk About Love" - now that's a change, having significant music from the wrinkly era. The table is set, knives, forks, salt, pepper, sauce, flowers in a vase..... flowers in a vase?? This is serious crawling we are talking about here. The look on Janice's face, tells you she has rumbled what's going on, though. From the back comes Le Patron, Les, serving towel over his arm, to announce "There you are, my love. Sit yourself down. Lunch is served." (Steady Les, subtlety is the name of the game here, surely?) She's having none of it, she tells him that she is not getting involved in his little scam. He pleads that the hearing is on Monday, two more days and they are going to be sitting on a fortune, everything they've always wanted - he begs her to just go with it for two more days, then he'll take her on that romantic weekend to Paris. "No way" is her resolute answer - he's not bright enough, she tells him, he'll be sent down for fraud and she's not coming with him. With that, she storms out, with Les trying to tell her, he has done her favourite meal, scampi and chips. "Keep it, I'm going t'Rovers for me dinner" she replies - on her way out, she meets Toyah coming in.

Toyah has sussed that Janice is no happy bunny and asks what is going on. Seeing Les grabbing the flowers out of the vase and running after Janice, she adds "you ARE up to something."

Out in the street, Janice practically knocks down Jackie who is walking past. Jackie's "Hiya Queen" greeting meets with a curt "Bog Off!!" A second or two later, we see Les rushing out of the house chasing after Janice and calling her name, but Janice is ignoring him.

Jackie sees Alma coming around the corner and is pleased to see her - Alma's face tells a different story. Having ascertained that Alma is going to the Rovers, Slagette says "Good. We need to talk, Alma. There's a problem with Baldy.. " "Curly" corrects Alma. It appears that he's not been paying the mortgage and if they don't make a payment soon, they are going to repossess his house. Alma sighs in frustration....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences in the Rovers. Les is telling Janice he knows he should have told her earlier, but he couldn't, the less people that knew about the truth the greater his chances of getting away with it, and anyway, he wanted to spare her the worry. "What do you think I have been doing?" replies an angry Janice. "That's different", says Les, "you were worrying whether I was going to pop me clogs or not. I mean real worrying. like worrying about what you were going to do with more dosh than you've ever dreamed of." And when, exactly was he going to tell her the truth, she asks? "When it was all over, honest!" is his reply.

Jackie is sitting behind Janice - she catches Les' eye and waves to him. He nods in acknowledgement. Unfortunately for him, his gesture is noted by Janice, who is not best pleased. He maintains he was just being polite to Janice. "Think about it", he pleads, "April in Paris." "I'll think about it!" is Janice's angry response, as she gets up, picks up the flowers and storms out of the pub.

Jackie makes the mistake of trying of a friendly "ta ta, now" to Janice , which is returned with a glare. As Janice leaves the pub, Jackie winks at Les, who winks back.

Alma is reading the letter from the Building Society that Jackie has given her. Oh, Curly!" Obviously not a happy position. Alma tells Jackie she still doesn't think that she had any right to open Curly's mail, but Slagette has an excuse for everything. "I never. It was our Tyrone. He thought it was a subscription to the Reader's Digest." (ROTFL!!! Yeah, right, a big boy did it and ran away!!) Slagette has an idea, "you put us in there as tenants and we pay the rent - well, the Social - anyway, we pay the rent, you use it to pay the mortgage, that way the house is protected, the Building Society's happy, everyone's buzzin', what d'ya say, kid?" Alma decides to think about it.

At Roy's Rolls, said proprietor is wresting with one Espresso machine. Gail is in smirk-mode, revelling is his frustration (doncha just wanna smack people round the gob, when they're like that?). He picks up the manual, has a look at it, another look at the machine and applies a technical adjustment, well, actually, he thumps the machine. It responds by making a reverberating noise.

Meanwhile, at Mallett Mansions, proud parents have put t'behbehs to bed - fingers crossed!!! Judeh is telling Gareh that it's so good to have him at home - the thing is, she could get used to it. Gareh is trying to play it canny and goes into a Muppets "Stattler and Waldorf " routine. "No hurry, eh?" he says in his best Canadian accent :). But they need the cash, says RJudeh. Mebbe I should go back to work, replies Gareh. "Yeah, but there's no immediate hurry, is there?" responds Judeh. "No.... how about Monday?" asks Gareh. He explains how he bumped into Steve, who is short-handed. This comes as a shock for Judeh, it's all a bit sudden. Gareh's enquiry as to whether Judeh will be alright is met with a response of "I suppose I'll have to be."

At the Rovers, Roy has come in, a problem weighing on his mind. "Just the man" he says, bumping into Steve. He explains how he's bought this cappuccino machine, but the plumbing might be a bit beyond him, can he help? ("No!!! Don't ask him!!" the nation cries, but we don't yet have Interactive Corrie, so our pleas go unheard.) Slimeball can do that, no problem, he'll just get his tools. He spots the opportunity for a sales pitch and enquires where Roy is up to regarding the new place.... Apparently the demand is great, "they're going like hot cakes", he tells Roy (pretty appropriate for a café - LOL!!!).

At the back, some decorators have been to have a look at the upstairs flat. Natalie is showing them out and tells them she will be in touch. "Throwing good money after bad" offers Betty. "Excuse me, Betty, but who's living here?" is Nat's response as she puts her marker down. Betty's face says "well that told me!"

Back round the front of the bar, Kevin has come in. He sees Alison, sitting on her own. She is obviously delighted to see him. He wasn't expecting to see her here, he tells her, as the girls have gone back to work. Dentist, she explains. He asks whether he can join her. Sure, is her answer. He is delighted to see her too. She mentions she saw him yesterday with Sally, but he explains that there is nothing going on there - they were merely discussing arrangements for the girls. Alison is pleased and relieved to hear this, on both counts, firstly that he and Sally are still able to talk and secondly, that there is no chance of them getting together again. Having cleared the decks, both are obviously pleased that Kevin's past will not be a hindrance to them getting together. Awwwww!! The look on both their faces is pure magic. "We'll go out together one night, a meal or something ... tomorrow?" Fine!!!! Relief all round. "Right then!" says Alison, getting up, "I'd best be off, I don't want to keep the opticians waiting." "I thought you said the dentist?" asks Kevin. "Oh yes" replies Alison, "the dentist", both of them realising her ploy to meet up with Kevin has been rumbled. As she leaves the pub, we see Kevin, looking round at her, grinning from ear to ear, as if he's the cat with the cream. Lovely scene.

Back at Elliott's Emporium, Fred has just come in to introduce their newest recruit. "This is Nita", he announces, "Ashley!! This is the new you!!" Ashley shakes hands with Nita, an attractive Asian girl in her mid twenties. "Ashley is my Executive director in charge of New Enterprises, you won't see much of him because he's busy developing one of our newer branches" continues Fred. Nita is taken by his spiel, as Fred continues to extol the promotion prospects for those prepared to work hard. "Plenty of room for advancement if you don't mind going backwards" quips Maud, introducing herself, "Nita, is that short for something?" "Anita, maybe?" replies our newbie, "Maud, is that short for something?" "Only Maudlin" replies Fred as he gets to the job in hand, starting to show her round. She'll soon get the hang of things, he comments, after all, her references were full of praise, they were excellent. So, all that is left is for her to familiarise herself and she can start in the morning. "Good!! Till the morn!!" booms Fred as he zooms out, leaving a bemused Nita watching on. "Take no notice, Nita" reassures Ashley, as Maud offers her a cup of tea. "So", asks our new recruit, "tell me about the shop profile?" Stunned silence as Ashley tries to get his head around that one - nope, battery totally flat!!! "What kind of people shop here?" continues Nita. "Oh" replies Ashley, still struggling to get brain in gear!!!

At Roy's Rolls, the plumbing department in the shape of Steve has arrived to help with Roy's problem. The only problem is that he looks no wiser than Roy. "What do you think, Gail?" he asks. "I think, you've been had" replies Smug Spice.

Martin and Audrey return from their visit to the insurance company, not happy. "Flexibility is the difference between us and robots" proclaims Audrey in her First Law of Robotics, adding "if we surrender to a book of rules, we might as well just give up our freedom, our future." Apparently, the meeting didn't go well at all. Far from being sympathetic, it appears that some of the staff were having a snigger at Audrey's expense. Gail suggests going home and the three of them troupe out, leaving Roy and Steve trying to sort out the cappuccino machine.

Steve is still looking non the wiser and Roy picks up the manual trying to make sense of it. He twists a knob on the machine, there is a gurgling of water - a beaming smile comes over Roy's face. At that point, enter Hayley. "Roy? You've got it going!!! How did you do that?" she asks. "Oh, you know" says our proud but modest hero, "flexibility... Would you like a cappuccino?" Yes, she does, so he pours her one from the machine into a cup. As he hands her the cup, there is a loud hissing noise, a bang, and a jet of steam sprays upwards into the room. "I'll, erm, put the kettle on" suggests Hayley, as an embarrassed Roy and Steve look on. Back to the drawing board, lads.....

At the Rovers, Sally is having a drink with Rita. Kevin comes in to ask if Sally fancies having the girls tomorrow, she can hang onto them until the evening and put them to bed if she wants. Rita tries to stick her nose in, pointing out that Kevin's behaviour has been very erratic and that he was hardly fair on Christmas Day. Kevin tells Sally he is going to Leeds, so he doesn't know how long he will be. He apologises for Christmas Day - he was out of order. After he has gone, Sally is delighted to have received an apology, that was a bonus she was not expecting - maybe her luck is changing, she tells Rita.

Maud is also in the Rovers, talking to Ashley - she is puzzled by Nita "What a strange young lass", she comments, "stock books?" Ashley thinks Nita was very professional, however, Maud has tumbled that Ashley's interest is more than professional - "you thought she was very fanciable." Ashley's protestations are met with the observation that his eyes were out on stalks. (Too true, blue. ) Ashley's protestations seem feeble but he admits that she was "quite nice". Maud thinks that it's about time he had a decent lass, especially one who could keep "your stock under control." Ashley's face is a picture as he envisages the prospect.

Alma is telling Mike about Jackie Dobbs' proposal to pay rent. Mike ain't happy, smelling a rat. "As far as Jackie Dobbs is concerned, I'd tread carefully, where rent and tenancies are concerned, I'd tread very carefully, put the two of them together, I wouldn't tread at all."

Back at Battersby Battlements, Les is still trying to worm his way around Janice. She has just come back from doing some shopping. He reckons that this is the last time she will need to do this because this time next week, she will be picking that up in a Roller, no she won't, she'll be having it delivered. She's too tired to contemplate the matter right now, as he tells her they are on the edge of their dreams. It would be nice to have it delivered, she agrees, but she wouldn't want to leave work, she likes the girls. She doesn't want to move away either, she likes it here. "You wouldn't have to, we could do anything we want to this house. Just think, new double glazing all the way through, not the cheap stuff - proper cladding, and central heating." Janice starts dreaming of what could be, and wondering whether they could get away with it, as we see a pair of feet coming down the stairs. It is Toyah. Janice asks Les what she has to do. "Nothing, just leave all the talking to me" is Les' reply, "if they ask about my symptoms, or anything, just agree with me." Janice is concerned whether she will be on oath, but Les assures her she won't be, "it's not a court." Janice is relieved, as she could not lie on the Bible. The only thing she mustn't say, concludes Les, is that the whole thing is a scam. Toyah has overheard all of this and is horrified at the plan. The final piece of reassurance Janice seeks is that Martin will not get into any trouble - Les cannot see that, "probably none at all, anyway, they all stick together, these people." Satisfied, Janice agrees, much to Les' delight. He comes over and hugs and kisses her to show his pleasure. As he does so, Toyah comes down. She startles Les. "You nearly gave me a flaming heart attack" he tells her. "Well, you wouldn't want that" replies Toyah in disgust, he'd only end up in hospital and have to think of another scam. "I knew you were up to something but I didn't think you were as evil as this", she continues. To Janice she says "I never would have believed you'd have gone along with it. You two, you make me sick." When Les asks her whether she is going to say anything, her reply is "What do you think?" She then storms out of the house, leaving behind Les and Janice wondering what will happen next.

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Peter Mills

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? A very enjoyable episode as you would expect from Maestro Mills. Some beautiful bits of dialogue, expertly crafted.

The situation following Alf's death was well handled. Death tends to be accompanied by guilt - either things unsaid or actions which should have been carried out. Audrey portrays the grieving wife well, coping with her own grief, while trying to prop up Nick's mood. Even Nick did well here.

Wonderful light comedy with Roy in the centre stage, beautifully accompanied by Hayley. He never quite gets things right and is obviously naïve trusting the likes of Charlie West and Steve McBurger. Classic dialogue in the "lavatrice - si" sketch. Marvellous pantomime with the machine blowing a hose and spurting steam all over the place.

Les plays the chancer, as ever, looking to get away with blue murder, in this case, getting one over on the system.

Nice dialogue at the Malletts when Gary tries to find the bottle to own up to Judy that he is going back to work on Monday.

Touching scene when Alison lies in wait for Kevin at the pub. The look of excitement on their faces, as they realise this could be the start of a romance, is really something else. Such a nice change to see Kevin smiling, instead of being a whinger. And what a lovely girl is Alison - soooo sweet.

And of course, bombastic Fred - he has his heart in the right place, but misses vital clues, like names of people. What a star, I say, what a star.

So, in summary, although there was not a lot of action, per se, a very enjoyable episode nonetheless with the plot moving along gently. Great fun.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 10 January

I've pulled a double-duty this week. Not only this update to write, but a guest appearance on Mike Plowman's Coronation Street Visual updates page. If you've not visited Mike's site before, and you have Web access, then the address is : http://ds.dial.pipex.com/town/plaza/ec91/ Be very impressed with the Web hit counter ! My sincere thanks to Mike for giving me the chance to have a go at another medium.

Anyway, apart from that little bit of trumpet-blowing, the other effect on this week's update is that I'm all out of wit... [Please, no unkind remarks.] So, if it reads as if the bottom of the barrel is being scraped, then it probably is.

There's nothing very exciting going on in the world at the moment, bar a brief visit to the UK of some very cold weather from further East, so let's get straight on with the business in hand.

[Theme tune...]

Act 1
Alma and Mike arrive at the factory. They've obviously been discussing the business of Curly's house and its rather unwelcome squatting tenants, Jackie Dobbs and her apology for a son. [Ty-rone ! I ask you...] Mike would prefer that they had nothing to do with her, let alone help her our, but Alma is concerned that Curly's building society may repossess his house once the money he has left behind is all gone. At least with Jackie as a proper tenant, she can be given notice when Curly returns, and her rent will help with the finances. Mike tells Alma to get all the details nailed down in black and white.

Heading in the opposite direction are Kevin and the girls. As he gets them settled into the car, en route for the swimming pool, Martin says hello. He has much on his mind, with the hearing at the hospital scheduled for the following Monday. In need of someone to talk to, he asks Kevin if he'd like to meet up in the Rovers that evening for a pint and a chin-wag. Kevin declines, and Rosie pipes up from the back seat that her Daddy's going out and they're staying with Mummy that night. "Nothing special..." is Kevin's response to Martin's inevitable enquiry.

A [far too early] visit to the Battersbys, where Les rushes down the stairs to catch Toyah before she goes off to work. Worried about how much of the truth she knows about his overdose, he would rather she didn't leave the house. [I'd rather you hadn't, Les - couldn't you just stay upstairs and "play your tapes" and be just spoken about, and not seen ?] Toyah isn't having any of it. Janice tries to put a more positive spin on the situation. "What's done is done", she reasons. This could be their big chance as a family to really come out on top for a change. "And what about Martin ?", asks Toyah, "he could lose his job !". Janice can't really answer this one. Toyah leaves, and Les grabs his coat and heads off to the cafe too, saying he's going to have to keep an eye on her.

In the cafe, Roy is still trying to breathe life into the coffee machine. Each new cup still seems to taste and look like mud. Alison arrives, and has a bit of a chat with Hayley. She tells her she has a date with Kevin. Hayley asks if they'll be at the Rovers then, and can come and join her and Roy, but Alison explains excitedly that they're off to a posh restaurant. [Cue the new outfit, no doubt.] Toyah enters, closely followed by Les, looking [it has to be said] rather dapper in Jack's coat and scarf. Gail asks him where he thinks he's going, as far as she's concerned, he's banned. He says he'll just sit down and bide his time.

Fred and Ashley survey the new fresh-meat counter in Freshco's. "It's the latest instalment in the Elliott empire", announces Fred. He's heard that the chain plan to open new stores all over Britain, and he thinks he might be in with the chance of having a counter in all of them. Alma sees them both, and comes over to wish them well. As she does so, we see she is standing in front of a large display stand. It's corned beef, on special that week. Fred is flabbergasted [that's a good Fred word, don't you think ?] - "are you trying to bankrupt us on t'first day ?", he demands.

Over at the hub of the Street, Natalie has the decorators in. Lorraine looks at the proposed wallpaper [er, we're in the back room here, not behind the bar] and pronounces it "very you". Looking around, she wonders if the workmen might find cave paintings underneath the existing paper...

Les, who has been reading his paper whilst keeping "an eye" on Toyah, decides it's time to leave. He tells Toyah he's off to deal with "something that's just cropped up", and that she should keep her gob shut in the meantime. On the way out, he barges past Audrey, who is on her way in to show Gail the estimate she has received from the stonemasons for Alf's headstone. Judging by her reaction to the quote, Alf will be getting the more traditional two sticks and a bit of twine... "They must have thought I wanted a pyramid building", she opines. In the background, Roy cries "Eureka !". [After rereading everything, I see this went nowhere. So presumably the coffee machine is functional. That's all.]

Les has returned home and is rooting about in a box of videos. Janice tells him if he's looking for the mucky ones that Charlie West gave him, they've been bagged up to go to the Church sale ! [She's priceless, isn't she ?!] Les triumphantly holds up his "Viva Las Vegas" video. Inspired by an article on an Elvis convention in Las Vegas, he's decided that's where they're going with his compensation money. Janice is not moved by this - she was promised a romantic holiday in Paris, and a romantic holiday in Paris it is. But Les is on a flight of fancy, reminiscing about how folks thought he was the reincarnation of Elvis when he worked at the fairground. They're off to Vegas, and Janice can be his Priscilla ! She wonders if this will simply mean that he'll stuff himself to death eating cheeseburgers... "If you don't wanna go, there's plenty who will !", is his last word.

Back at Freshco's, the Elliott management have confounded Alma by posting Ashley in front of the corned-beef stand, where he is doing a sterling job steering prospective buyers over to Fred's counter. Alma is very annoyed, and tells them to stay on their own territory in future. Fred, in any case, would never advise anyone to eat tinned beef - "don't know what's in it" - especially from "them Argies !".

They've opened up at the Rovers, and Jackie is already in for a drink. [It might be good for the plot, but it sometimes rather beggars belief that the characters most often seen propping up the bar, and often sliding down it, are those with the least income, money problems, etc...] She hands Natalie some coins, and tells her to get a drink with the change. From the look on Natalie's face as she inspects the offering, it must have amounted to half an orange juice. Les arrives and asks Jackie if she's ever thought of going to Vegas. "It's only my dream holiday !", she replies. Oh, there's no stopping him now as he promises to take her when his compo money comes through. A very very brief concern for Janice is raised in the headlong rush to agree on a trip to Nevada. "We're on !!" [I suppose we can but hope that a stray US Army missile might land on them while they're out there...]

Intermission
No better than ever.

Act 2
Jackie has relocated to the cafe to meet Alma, who tells her that it *will* be alright for her to be a tenant in Curly's house. But there'll be a rent book and everything, and the rent will be due a week before the mortgage has to be paid, each month. Jackie raises an objection to paying rent while she's on holiday, though. Alma is speechless when she goes on to say that she's off to Las Vegas !

Maud serves Martin in the corner shop - he's still down at the thought of going into the ring with Les, as he puts it. Nita raises his spirits a bit with some very mild flirting, complimenting on his choice of biscuits and hoping he'll be back soon. [Us men, we're easily pleased !] Maud passes comment on this after Martin leaves, in a "well done" sort of way. Nita, obviously wary of the power-wielding elderly lady in the wheelchair, rebuffs her by pointing out that *she* is the manager, and Maud is the assistant.

Alma is walking the floor of Freshco's again. When she reaches the meat counter, she is agog. [I'm running out of words here, and there's no thesaurus on this computer...] Fred and Ashley are safely ensconsed behind their own stall, but they have decorated it with dozens of Union Jack flags [no picky remarks about "Jack" meaning "flag", please] and "Land of Hope and Glory" is playing on a cassette recorder. They are *surrounded* by eager customers. And a rather cheesed-off Alma.

Back at the Battersbys' house, Janice and Les continue to bicker about their holiday destination. She thinks Las Vegas will be full of crooks, and he says that if she wants to go to Paris, then that's fine with him. [He doesn't quite say that he won't be going with her, but I think it's taken as read.] Toyah arrives home, and Les immediately sets about checking that she has done as she was told and kept her mouth shut. She's been to see Leanne, which worries him even more with Leanne being married to one of them Platts, but no, she hasn't said anything to get him into trouble. He promises to "see her right", but she categorically refuses to have anything to do with his "blood money" at all.

Ashley pops into the corner shop on his way home from Freshco's. It's obvious he's more interested in Nita than anything else, and he asks her over to the Rovers later, where he can "give her a few pointers". She accepts the invitation.

Love in the air elsewhere, where Alison arrives to find a rarely seen, cleaned up version of Kevin Webster, in jacket and tie. A bit of inconsequential chit-chat ensues, and he apologised for being a bit rusty at the dating game. This is obvious as he has not managed to offer her a drink within 3 seconds of her arrival. [That's 1st base put back another 10 yards, then.]

Fred and Ashley toast their successful first day at Freshco's. Ashley mentions that Nita is coming over later, and Fred sees clean through the "talking business" cover and warns him not to dally on his own doorstep. She's an Elliott employee, and there might be complications. He's best sticking to the checkout girls. [Although I think we've been here before with Curly.] Nita arrives at this point, and Ashley gets up to get her an orange juice. Maud intercepts him and gets her bitter lemon order in, keen not to be left out.

Alison compliments Kevin on his choice of venue for their date. "Mmm", he muses, "it probably costs a bomb !" [Clangg !!] Hastily backtracking, he apologises again, and refuses her offer to go Dutch. He asked her out, so he'll pay. She changes the subject, and tells him how she thinks it's wonderful how he's coping so well with the children, on his own. "I wish I didn't have to", is his reply. He tells her that it was Sally that made a mistake, and this led to their break-up, although he admits he was no saint himself.

Audrey drops into the Rovers, and collects the bill for Alf's send-off, from Natalie. She wonders whether it was the most suitable choice of venue, with Alfeh having been the mayor and all. Natalie manages not to look too offended as she observes that Alf was "a man of the people". On that score, will the council be putting up a plaque in his memory. Audrey [I expect she's making this up] says that this was so, but that she had declined, saying he would have appreciated a simple headstone. [Sorry, this doesn't all hang together does it ? They seem to have been at cross purposes. Or I missed something !]

Jackie is having a celebratory drink, watched by Natalie and Mike and Alma. Alma tells them that Jackie is a proper tenant now, and Natalie looks forward to her custom. Mike just looks sour-faced. The subject of the supposed holiday in Las Vegas comes up, and Natalie confirms that she's heard that Jackie has found some "sugar daddy" who is paying for it all.

Kevin's car pulls to a stop. At first glance, it looks like Coronation St, but it turns out to be where Alison stays. With her parents. [Hey Kevin, I expect you'll need binoculars to see first base now !] However, they're away at the moment ! [Oh wow, these bins make things seem much closer don't they...] You don't need me to tell you what happens next, but mid-kiss, Kevin is caught looking at his watch. "Am I boring you ?!", says Alison. Somewhat unconvincingly, he protests that he was only thinking of Rosie and Sophie, who he has to collect from Sally's house. Alison is beyond apologies, and storms off home, leaving Kevin in his car, deflated.

This episode was written by Phil