Monday 1 February

Hiya :)

It's the beginning of yet another week which unfortunately, in my case, means it's also the end of an absolutely *fantastic* weekend spent in a very nice place (Sunny Manchester - Wahey! ;)) with some absolutely wonderful people. Sadly, such a break always makes going back to work on a Monday and resuming the previously scheduled broadcast something of a chore and it also means I'm incredibly tired as I sit down to write this Update, so please forgive any typing errors, grammatical mistakes or general lack of whatever it was you were hoping to find within it. :)

Unfortunately, to add insult to injury, tonight's episode wasn't the greatest in the world in comparison to recent highs. At least 65% of it was highly enjoyable but sadly large heaps of random nonsense kept falling on the line and derailing the Quality Train. So without further adieu, let's take a closer peek, shall we?

The show opens with Ravi and Nita sitting in a car a short distance away from the CornerShop (The observant may notice that the rubbish skip behind them has been defaced with the witty scrawl "HORROCKS IS A SLAPHEAD"), discussing the prospect of making Fred a higher offer, thus forcing him into selling it. Nita is all for the idea of pushing another £5,000 in the Burly Butcher's direction since, having eavesdropped eariler, now believes that the Cornershop will become a miniture goldmine once these mythical New Houses are built on the Red Rec. Ravi, who has far more experience in the property field, reminds her that plans for building an estate aren't always very solid and can often fall through but Nita, visibly irritated by his indecision, climbs out of the car offers him the ultimatum that, if he hasn't decided to make a higher offer by the end of the day, she will no longer work there! "There's no point in rushing things!" he says, "And don't slam the..." ***BANG*** "...door!" (The old ones are the best ones, they say! Or not! :))

So we cut to an empty Rovers where Natalie is berating Vera for not doing a good enough cleaning job on the toilets. "They're gonna be mucky again in a few hours" says Vee, in her defence, but this merely prompts the sharp-as-a-tack response "Tell you what? Let's just not bother paying anyone to clean them, then!" from Natalie, who shortly disappears out back, just as Jack enters. He is the bearer of good news, it seems, and has been on the 'phone to the Club Secretary at Weatherfield Golf Club, enquiring about the open Stewards' Vacancies. It seems that, amazingly, the Secretary was impressed by whatever it was that Jack told him, said that the Duckies sounded like "ideal candidates" and even went so far as to ask them to drop by for an interview at the weekend. Job-Hungry Jack, in a rare moment of enthusiasm, suggests that they go to the club later in the day to check the place out, get a feel for it, maybe pick up some pointers and thus "get ahead" of the other applicants. Vee agrees and tells him to pick her up in an hour's time when she's finished her cleaning.

Sharon enters Sally's new house with her new fiance in tow and makes Fatal Soap Mistake No1482 by getting ridiculously overexcited about her impending wedding. "This is Ian, my fiance!" she coos, "OOOOH, I just luuuv saying that word!" (UT OH) and he instantly confirms this as a mistake by stating, at a 'Big Train' level of Deadpan, that he has to hurry away to Leeds now or else he'll be late. Sally tells him it was nice to be introduced and gives him 'the eye' (UT OH), as he leaves to go sell whatever it is that he sells (has this been mentioned already and I've just forgotten?)... We cut briefly to outside, where he makes pretty beady eyes of his own at Natalie, who just so happens to be passing down the Street at this point (UT OH)! Back indoors, Sharon asks the Sickly One what she thinks and Sally squeals "He's very nice", adding that he's "very good looking" to which Sharon responds wistfully, gazing at her engagement ring, "...and he's alllllll mine". Did I say "UT OH" already?

I'm afraid I must bring up a pet gripe of mine now (Damn, I knew I shouldn't have eaten it! *groan*), as Audreh takes out the Salon Sign and positions it proudly outside her establishment. Unfortunately, the sign *STILL* says "FIONA MIDDLETON" on it *and* so does the sign above the shop itself *AND* so does the inscription on the window! Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but Audrey Roberts is probably *THE* most vain and self-promotional character on the Street at the moment so you can't expect me to believe that the very first thing she would do upon buying the place would be *anything* except getting her name in lights above the door! (Production? Wakey Wakey?!) Anyhow, as she moves the sign out, a sneaky-looking Fred Elliot pops his head stealthfully around to door to commend her on her 'acting' in front of Nita, telling her that she has chosen the wrong vocation in hairdressing and should be on the stage! She is visibly flattered and giggles as Fred, looking around, whispers "Mustn't dawdle... Can't have them seeing us talking!" before vanishing into the shadowy realms from whence he came.

Over at "The Weatherfield Golf Club" (ANORAK TIME: Does anyone know where this is shot? The location looked familiar?), Jack and Vera pull up outside and are treated to a display of posh cars parked before it. He reckons they should go in and scope out the Clubhouse but Vera, in a rare and almost pleasant (!) moment of embarrassment, tells him that they're "not going to fit in" and will just end up making fools out of themselves:

Jack: (Assertively) "We are as good as anybody else!" Vera: (Fretting) "We've got to face facts! I'm a cleaner and you're a cellarman! And we don't know owt about golfing people!" Jack: "Vera, don't put yourself down!" Vera: "I'm not, I'm just being realistic!" Jack: "Right... We're not here for membership. We're here to run a bar... Which we have done for years!" Vera: "What? A grotty little backstreet pub?" Jack: "You were the licencee, we ran our own business." Vera: "Yeh, but we had to sell it." Jack: (Correctively) "CHOSE to sell it. We've probably got more money in the bank than half this flamin' membership, anyway." Vera: (After a short pause... Quietly) "But Jack... We're too common for round here."

He finally manages to reassure her that with their strong will to work (Where??) and their "friends in high places" (Apparently Fred and Mike Baldwin are members of the club), they will have no problems... As I said, quite a touching scene, if only to see Vera brought back down to Earth and being so humble and frank for a change.

Cutting now to the Factory, the Worker Bees sit around bemoaning the fact that Baldwin won't let them throw a Valentine's Day Disco in Underworld, on the grounds of it being too dangerous. Unfortunately, now that the seeds of the idea have been firmly planted, all the girls have their hearts dead set on it, so words are exchanged on how to find an alternative venue. Lady Hayley Of Patterson (back on our screens after a short break - Yay!! :)), who seems to be having a 'bad hair day', notes that some places will let you use their hall for free as long as you can assure a certain number of attendees. She even offers kindly to ring around and find such a venue! This goes down well with the other Factory Girls except Loathsome Linda, who 'votes' firmly against the idea of any disco at all, claiming that finding a DJ and getting tickets/catering sorted out will be too big a hassle, the lazy cow! Thankfully, RLady H has not learnt the meaning of backing down and offers to organise the whole thing! The others are all over the moon with joy, so Janice nominates Hayley as Underworld Social Secretary (!) and asks for a show of hands from anyone in agreement. Needless to say, they all raise a paw or two (even Loathsome Linda, albeit reluctantly) and it is made official! Hayley, midway through chomping a donut (Mmm... Donuts), looks utterly and completely delighted with her new-found status.

Meanwhile, at an outdoor Market (another new location), Vera and Eunice are attempting to give a worldwide base of Corrie viewers some seriously nasty nightmares by sifting their way through a stack of mildly saucy underwear. Eunice is holding up a particularly bizarre bra with a military camouflage print on it!!! Vee is boasting about her and Jack's forthcoming interview at the Golf Club, claiming that they were hand-picked by the owner for Stewards, when Mike Baldwin "put their names forth". Dame Eunice of Gee doesn't seem to buy Vera's story, with good reason, and wonders if anyone's actually serving at the knicker stall. Sure enough, someone is and there are absolutely no prizes whatsoever to receive if you already guessed that this person is Sickly Webster. "EH UP! It's little Sally!" shrieks Vera like a manic harpie as they exchange a bit of pleasant smalltalk about Sicky's new job. The final nail is hammered mercilessly into the coffin of horrors when Sally tells Vera she has "just the thing" for her, before presenting a Delighted Duckworth with a skimpy pair of red silky knickers! (And to think these atrocities were screened before the watershed!!!)

In the Cornershop, Fred is playing Slavedriver to Nita, getting her to wipe down the shelves and "give it some elbow grease". Just then, the wonderful Ravi walks in and a rather frantic haggling session ensues. There's not much point in explaining it, since there's no hope of translating this into text, but eventually they decide on an extra seven thousand pounds added to the original price! What makes this scene such a joy to watch is the utterly brilliant poker-faces pulled by both Saeed Jaffrey and John Savident, both whom are SUPREME comedy actors! (Overseas viewers, keep your eyes out for the treat of watching these two together!) The scene ends with a handshake as we cut to the commercial break.

END OF PART ONE

The ads range from tedious to distasteful with one in particular standing out as worse than the rest. A painfully unfunny attempt to recreate "Carry On"/"Benny Hill" style humour with a sleazy, greasy type remarking to a tremendously busty blonde, without making eye contact (if you know what I mean...), that he "wouldn't mind some golden churn on *those* scones" (Golden Churn being a butter substitute in the UK, overseas readers) and other such uninspired and badly executed innuendo. Ugh. Oh, we also have an attempt by marketing men to make HORLICKS appealing/hip to teenagers, a campaign that somehow I can't see taking off in a hurry.

Thankfully, Jane Horrocks appears briefly in the TESCO advert but aside from that, this break is a wasted slab of airtime to these eyes. So back to the fun!

PART TWO
Fun indeed, as it's Sir Royston of Cropper and Lady Hayley of Patterson, conversing as they do in the Cafe! He is horrified at the prospect of a Disco and when she confesses that she'd like to see him "strut his funky stuff" he responds that he "hasn't got any funky stuff *to* strut"... She ignores his self-depricating remark and continues to enthuse about how she's been made Social Secretary at Underworld, asking if he's as excited as she is. Roy seems a bit reticent, however, and warns her not to let it get in the way of her "other commitments" like the Operatic Society and (more to the point) *him*. She assures him that he "won't be neglected" but Our Hero seems unconvinced, especially when Lady H carries on talking about her new found popularity. ***WARNING: BEST LINE OF THE NIGHT COMING UP!***

Lady H: "Hey, do you think I should get a badge made with Social Secretary written on it?" Sir R: (Sarcastically) "Yes, yeah, get another one too with MUGGINS on it, while you're about it!"

ROFL! She is offended by his 'scathing' remark and begins to seethe, looking increasingly miffed as he warns her that the Factory Girls are perhaps not as friendly as they might seem, pointing out that it was only a few months ago that some of them wouldn't so much as share a toilet with her and now they're acting like best pals. Roy thinks they're just using her wonderfully helpful nature because they're too apathetic to organise the Disco themselves, a theory that deeply offends Hayley, so much so that she huffs and puffs her way out of the cafe, leaving Roy to muse moodily to Gail about Discos in general. POOR, POOR ROY! :(( My heart goes out to him, it really does!

Back at Ye Olde Shoppe on the Corner, Maud wheels herself inside and overhears a conversation that she wasn't meant to from within the back room. Uncle Fred is telling Prince Ashley of Peacock about his little spot of 'play acting' with Audreh Roberts, boasting about what fine tactics were employed. RAshleh is not best pleased at Fred's dubious dealings but his protests that "two wrongs don't make a right" are wasted on his Uncle, who laughs like a madman and hoots gleefully "OF COURSE THEY DO!" in the way that only he and Foghorn Leghorn could do. :)

Unfortunately, there's always one story that's going to stand out like Poop in a Punchbowl and this week it's the saga of Saint Martin of Platt's new job. As he goes about working his Messianic ways in the rest home, turning a bit of water into wine here 'n' there and healing a group of passing lepers, he drops by the front room to check on his new elderly pal, Walter. Walter is still upset and refuses to play board games with Martin (!) but this doesn't stop Platt from having a root through the selection. He is delighted to note such cerebral pursuits as Chess and Draughts being present (even if all the pieces are not!) but this turns to abject horror when he sees that some sick individual saw fit to place a game of TWISTER in a home full of people who can barely stand up, let alone 'Twist'. Poor Walter continues to whinge about his long lost Sister Mabel and Platty consoles the sorry old boy, telling him that he's "on the case". (Yes, the storyline really *IS* this daft... To me, it plays like a cliche-ridden, preachy American TV Movie. You know the kind, down on his luck Care Worker with a Heart Of Gold (TM) gets lumbered with the worst job in town at a rest home/high school/prison/kindergarten (delete as applicable) run by evil swine and sets about the task of cleaning things up, saving the day and generally making the world a better place to live in while he's at it... I *know* Martin's a nice guy and this is why I've really liked his character ever since the beginning, but this plot just leaves a bad sacharrine-like taste in my mouth, I'm afraid... Sorry! On the bright side tho, Sean Wilson *does* do a very fine job with his lines...)

Over at Number Six, Sharon is moving vast amounts of clothes/junk onto the stairs. Sickly comes home and is a bit taken aback by the quantity of crud that her new housemate is expecting to horde and this reaction prompts Sharon to mither and worry that she's overstaying her welcome and should find somewhere else to live. Thankfully, Sickly relaxes and tells her that it's no problem and that the offer still stands adding she was just initially a little surprised since she thought that, being as RShaz was just staying for a short period of time and on weeknights only, there wouldn't be so such a mountain of personal items. They both laugh about it and agree to keep the tenancy arrangement a secret from Natalie for the time being...

Maud is still wheeling about the Cornershop, meanwhile, and slides into the back room to have a word with the Mighty Fred Elliot, who's sipping Scotch. She demands a redundancy package, since the shop is being sold and she will be inevitably sacked, but Fred is more than a little reluctant to give her one (ooer! Quiet at the back!)... She pushes the issue using the Grimes Charm (TM) to it's maximum 'effect', snarling that she's been a "faithful servant" to him for over a year, "seven days a week sometimes, rain or shine" and that, with the profit he's making on the sale, he should give her something for her troubles. "You want a redundancy packet?" he whoops, before grabbing a bottle of Sherry off the shelf, thrusting it into her hands and beaming sarcastically "May you have a long and happy retirement!" - Maud scowls and flashes him a harsh glance of Pure Unadulterated Evil!

Over at Plattingham Palace, Saint Martin chops carrots while telling The Angel Gail (who is wearing a lovely purple jumper this evening) about his day at work. He explains his shock at finding the twister game in a place where "if any of the residents tried playing it, they'd end up in Intensive Care" before going on to tell her the story of poor old Walter and his Sister Mabel. The Home is not making a good impression on RSaint who reckons that the owner is crooked, pays little attention to the residents and has a bad attitude. Martin meanwhile wants to go to Social Services and help Walter but is torn between his good nature and the risk of being labeled as a "troublemaker".

Maud Grimes, who is now fully set in TERMINATOR MODE, wheels sinisterly across the dark Streets of Weatherfield to where Ravi Desai's car is parked. She taps on the window and introduces herself, grimly, adding that she thought Ravi "might like to know" that he's being "diddled", a word which confuses our poor Entrepeneur, until Maud tells him about Fred's evil scheming with Audrey and reveals the Red Rec Housing Estate Proposal to be a complete and total sham! "It's a heritage site", she murmurs, "They wouldn't get permission to put up a bouncy castle without it causing an outcry!" - lol!

A rather nice scene ensues around a table at the Rovers, where the Worker Bees of Underworld (that sounds like a great name for a dance outfit, BTW) continue to discuss plans for the Disco. Janice reckons they should get as many people invited as possible, to which Loathsome Linda (tart!) adds "Yeah, lots of good looking single men!!!" (At this point, Hayley writes down the letters "G L S M" in her notebook - lol!)... They all agree that 100 people would be nice (!) and then Lady H puts forth the suggestion that an enjoyable fancy dress theme wouldn't go amiss either. "Eh! What about makin' it a seventies do?" pipes Janice and all the Bees agree that this would be a corker of a plan! (I have to say, I'm with them on this idea!)

Now we are treated to yet another priceless exchange in the Cornershop between Ravi and Fred, which, unfortunately I am once more stuck to describe on paper, since it relies entirely on the remarkable comic chemistry between Jaffrey and Savident who I *pray* will have as much time together onscreen as is humanly possible! To sum up in a nutshell, Ravi accuses the Shifty Shopkeeper of being a complete crook and Fred throws the same accusation back, stating that sending in "spies" is no way to conduct business! The pair argue like hilariously over-the-top big kids for about a minute (the highlight being when Ravi insults Audrey, which prompts a furious Fred to hurl a stack of loaves across the shop!) before level-headed Nita butts in and tells them to behave and work out some kind of compromise that they can both be happy with.

There's a phonecall from the Police for Natalie in the Rovers, so Betty serves Saint Martin his pint and, God tell me I'm wrong (God help Martin too!), actually appears to making suggestive eyes at him! Anyway, Platty goes to sit down with his wife at a table and continues to harp on about his new pal Walter from the Nursing Home, before coming up with a great suggestion that can help the poor old boy *and* keep Martin out of trouble! Rather than go to Social Services, RSaintNSaviour reckons it'd be a good idea to ask dearest Councillor Roberts for her expert assistance! :) (Ut oh!)

Over in a larger booth, the Disco Debate rages, with suggestions flying left, right and centre from the Factory Girls as to how to make it the best Valentine's Day Disco in the world... ever! The main issue now seems to be finding a suitable DJ but a nearby Les Battersby props himself up on the bar and offers his services, claiming that he is *the* Definitive Authority on Seventies Records (which is patently untrue... I know someone else who takes this prize, hands down, although she'd be far too modest to admit it... ;))... "Everything from Abba to someone beginning with Z... Err, Zeppelin! Yeah, Led Zepellin!" he boasts and he's willing to take the job for a mere fifty pounds charge! Outrageous it is, but Hayley puts his name down anyway, claiming that she probably won't find a cheaper DJ than that! (This is plain disgusting really, IMHO. Yes, she does manage to look a trifle uncomfortable about it, but frankly she shouldn't even give him the time of the day, let alone fifty quid, after the way he treated her and Roy only a few months before! I think, at the very least, she should've made him do it for free, but if I'd had it my way she'd have flatly refused to allow him anywhere near the place and Janice would've been right behind her! WHY OH WHY do people keep forgiving this unrelenting arsehole for a constant stream of increasingly evil deeds?)

To wrap up the show in on a more sombre tip, Natalie sits in the back room staring into space, as Betty enters to find out what's wrong. The Widow Barnes explains that the police were on the 'phone to tell her that the men who killed Des have been caught and are appearing in court next week... She isn't required by law to attend but, as Betty tries to comfort her, she murmurs "I have to be there, I have to..." : Cue Credits!

This 'un was written by Mark Wadlow, who did a reasonable enough job I suppose, all things considered. The Nursing Home plotline, as I already said several thousand times, is a bit on the naff side and the actual story behind the Cornershop Wars is far too silly for comfort. Thankfully the latter is saved by the truly WONDERFUL acting from Saeed Jaffrey and John Savident, on whom enough praise cannot be heaped. In fact, if I could, I would lay 'em down on concrete and drop twenty tonne bags of the highest quality praise on the both of them from a vast height. THAT is how good they are together and I hope this 'partnership' of theirs lasts a long time.

The Best Of The Rest, then? Well, Jack and Vera had their first good scenes in ages, which was nice and, I suppose, the remainder of the episode was taken up by this Disco stuff, which despite the odd flaw here and there (Les as a DJ? Give me a break!) seems to be working out fairly okay. Not sure about poor old Roy tho. David Neilson's brilliant performance was so full of hurt and pathos, I was a feeling rather too sorry for him to enjoy a lot of the overenthusiastic party planning on behalf of the Factory Workers.

Anyway, enough of my waffling for now. All in all, hardly Sterling, but not too bad. So, 'Til next time! :)

The Rattler

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Wednesday 3 February

How was your week? Mine began in tune with the weather, grey and wet, with me feeling more than a touch of the winter blues. And now the sun is shining, there are blossoms in the garden, and I'm feeling on top of the world! Funny how the world turns. Anyway it's been a busy week, the highlight was having the pleasure on Wednesday evening of attending a reception for the unsung heroes and heroines of Bristol's Meals on Wheels service, and what lovely caring people they are, even if they do get scant attention. Day after day they are the only contact for hundreds of lonely and insecure people, and the stories they tell! The meals themselves even they would admit are less than haute cuisine, but it is the contact that is important and it was such a pleasure to join them at the Mansion House for a reception with the Lord Mayor. It's worth a mention, because, funnily enough, loneliness and insecurity was a powerful strand running right through this Wednesday's episode of the Street.

It is morning at the Rovers Return, and Betty is preparing the bar for another day's trade, laying out the beermats on the counter. Natalie appears from the back, wearing a coat to go out and looking very thoughtful. It emerges that she is about to set out for the Magistrates Court for the committal of the men accused of murdering Des. Betty suggests that she should give Lorraine a ring and ask her to keep her company, but Natalie insists that it's not something she should impose on Lorraine, it's something she must do on her own. And clearly, she's dreading it. Betty tells her she would come with her if she could, but no, Natalie needs her in the pub.

Natalie begins to reflect on her life. "It's at times like this I wonder what I'm still doing here. I've got no-one. Maybe I should have moved away, got right out of it, I don't know". There is a long, loaded, pause. "Just when you're starting to think you can cope". Natalie is close to tears. Betty suggests that if it were her, she'd stop at home, but no, Natalie insists she has to go through with the ordeal. "If I don't go, I'll still be thinking about it!"

Betty tells her that she must do what's best. But "I haven't a clue what's best. I might come back a gibbering wreck. I won't have done what's best then, would I?" Betty assures her that "You're tougher than that!" "Am I?" says Natalie. "Well, aren't you? You always give that impression love". Natalie makes a pained attempt at a brave smile. "You'd be surprised!" she says as she leaves.

Poor Natalie! That was, I think, perhaps the most powerful opening to an episode I've ever seen. Natalie, the street tramp, the maneater, but also Natalie who is lonely and vulnerable and craving for affection. And here we have the soft underbelly of this very complex woman laid bare for all to see. I like Natalie a lot, not least because I feel I can empathise; I know her hurts and her insecurities and her yearning to be loved. I've been there.

But soft, there's more powerful stuff to come, over at the salon.

Gail walks through to the back storeroom. "Did you ring?" she asks. "Audrey is doing some stocktaking in a cursory and distracted fashion. Something is weighing heavily on her mind, and she doesn't look up at Gail. "Mam?" inquires Gail, concerned. Audrey laughs nervously. "Well, erm, it turns out it wasn't a mistake anyway". She still can't look at Gail, but we can see that, far from laughing, she is fighting back tears, as she takes off her glasses and rubs her face nervously. It seems that Alf took out a pension that just covered himself. "And when he died, it died too" adds Audrey, ruefully.

"But you're his wife, surely that means..." Gail begins. But Audrey interrupts her. "No, apparently not!" she says bitterly. Alf could, she explains to Gail, have taken out a pension that covered both of them, but the monthly payments wouldn't have been as much "'cos of me being that much younger than him, they said, or... I think that's what they said... It's all double dutch to me anyway". She is confused, agitated and upset. "You know what he were like... Thinking that he'd last forever... Either that or he thought I'd run off with someone else!" she adds, with a note of self-deprecation. "And we've just got to face facts, he just wasn't thinking about me, and if he was he was thinking 'beggar [sic] her, she can look after herself'... It were one of the Gail so take your pick... D'you know, now I hope it was that last one... because, " now Audrey's voice is beginning to break up in mid-soliloquy, "he'd be flaming well right, I CAN damned well look after myself... Hey, look, I've got this place...". Her voice is becoming increasingly fragile. "It's just that... I didn't have this place when he took the pension out... I mean... I had nowt but what he gave me... It's... just like he meant to leave me in the lurch... I mean... first the life insurance, and now this! It's just that it seems worse... Because it seems deliberate".

She tries to laugh off this marathon speech, but as she turns her face towards Gail we can clearly see the tears glistening on her cheeks. Gail tries to reassure her, there must have been a very good reason why Alf chose one policy against another. "Oh yes!" ripostes Audrey, launching into a bad Abba impersonation. "Money Money Money! That was the first and last with Alfie... I don't know why I'm surprised - except I am!"

Audrey breaks down completely as Gail puts tender hands reassuringly on her shoulders.

The austere, tiled, Victorian interior of the Weatherfield Magistrates Court echoes to the click of high-heels as we see Natalie, diminished by the very high camera angle, yet dignified, passing amongst the miscreants and their legal advisors milling about in the lobby. As she climbs the stairs, a man rushes up behind her. It's Des's brother, Colin, and he's not well-disposed towards her. "I didn't think you'd be here!" he says. "Why wouldn't I be?" she snaps coldly, neither looking at him nor faltering in her steps. Colin is intent on showing her the anger and bitterness he feels towards her. "I forgot!" he says. "You've got no shame have you?". "Sod off!" she says, still not looking at him. He persists. "How's your son?"

"Leave me alone!"

"Still dealing, is he?" Colin twists the knife. "Of course, you won't talk to me will yer? I make life too uncomfortable for yer. Well you'd better get used to it 'cos it's all gonna come out now isn't it, about your son, and about how Des would still be alive if it wasn't for your wonderful son!"

At last Natalie stops and turns to face Colin at the top of the staircase, and she's angry. "You want to know about my son?" she spits, "Well, the answer is, I don't know anything about him any more. Because I don't see him any more after I shopped him to the police, OK?" Colin is stunned, lost for words. "Well," she continues, "how d'you think they caught this pair? Not long after you came to see me the last time".

"I didn't realise!" says Colin, apologetically.

"Now leave me alone!" she tells him as she walks on, leaving Colin aghast and not knowing what to think.

Phew, this has been pretty heavy, emotional stuff, and I think we're overdue for some levity. And who better to provide it than Jack, behind the bar of the Rovers, where he passes Mike a large scotch, into which, he confides, he's slipped in a surreptitious extra measure.

"Very civil of you!" says Mike with a broad grin, sure that Jack is up to something as usual. "Generous to a fault, especially when it's not your stock any more you're being so generous with!"

"So, er, how's the old..." murmurs Jack, filling in by whistling and miming something unclear that involves his hands in front of him and rocking from side to side. Mike pretends not to understand, so Jack explains. "Swing... golf... you know!" Mike grins even more widely and replies loudly that it's not too bad. Jack seems embarrassed, he was just asking. There is a long pause while Jack decides whether or not to speak further. "I suppose you've 'eard that me and our Vera have, er, we're going for an interview for that job at your golf club?" he blurts out. "Have you now!" laughs Mike, mischievously. Jack doesn't suppose there's any chance of Mike putting a good word into the right ears. "We're hard-working, reliable, the sort who'd fit in". Mike laughs. "What, you and Vera!" he says. Jack admits that it's stretching the imagination with our Vera but "come on, give her half a chance!" Mike's grin grows ever wider. "Well, you've certainly come to the right man, I'll tell you that! I'm on the interviewing committee!". With that, he ostentatiously notices that his glass is empty. "That slipped down smoothly!". "I'll get you another" whispers Jack, with a wink.

It's back to the Magistrates Court, and the committal hearing is already over. As Natalie comes down the stairs, slowly and even more dejected than before, Colin races down behind her.

"Are you all right?" he asks, solicitously.

"Mind your own business" she rebuffs. "Natalie, I'm sorry..."

"No you're not!"

"Look, you did the right thing, forcing Tony to name those two animals"

"Oh, I see!" She glares at him. "Now that I've lost my husband, and I haven't got a clue where my son is, that's all right with you is it?" He tells her he's sure she did the right thing, he's just glad for Des. "You're glad for Des? The brother you didn't see from one year to the next? You sanctimonious pig! You think I haven't suffered enough then? You think it wasn't hard for me today without you bawling at me?" Colin explains that he's sorry, her didn't think she cared, or at least, didn't care enough. "Look, I know me and Des weren't the closest, but he was the only brother I ever had. I had to say them things, nobody else was gonna so I had too". A police offices passes them on the stairs and looks sidelong at them shouting at each other. This seems to mellow both of them, or maybe they have just worked out all their anger with each other. "You've come a long way, for two minutes!" says Natalie, much calmer now. Colin tells her he couldn't have stayed at home. "It makes me sick, the way they both said 'not guilty' so casual, as if they couldn't give a toss". Barely audibly, Natalie agrees. Colin could do with a brandy - does Natalie fancy one? Slowly, perhaps reluctantly, she shakes her head, fighting against tears now. "Please!" he pleads, "I would like to be able to talk to you". She turns and looks at him, wide-eyed. The air is charged with emotion, something, surely, is about to give way.

To lower the tension, we pay a visit to the caff, where Roy, with his back to us, is on the phone, taking directions from somebody. "That's tonight then, eight o'clock?" As he speaks, Hayley passes behind and takes him by surprise. She forgot her butties. "Er, oh, yeah, yeah," he stammers guiltily. "I saw them, er, on, er, the table, upstairs!" "Oh, right!" beams Hayley, "What's happening at eight o'clock tonight?" Oh, er, nothing in particular, shuffles Roy. Why does she want to know? Hayley hopes that he's not fixing for them to go out for a meal or anything, as she's got a rehearsal tonight. Relieved to hear this, Roy fumbles for an excuse, oh, nothing like that, er, no, the, er, Weatherfield Historical Society are meeting tonight. But he doesn't think he'll go, it's a talk he's heard before. "Bye!" says Hayley brightly, and off she clumps.

A street corner somewhere in downtown Weatherfield. The camera pans slowly from the stern exterior of the Magistrates Court to a pub across the way - The Oxford - and we hear the Geordie tones of Colin Barnes. "My wife, she gets sick of hearing about it". Inside the pub we find Colin and Natalie facing each other across a table, he's clearly been pouring out his woes. "It isn't like me, you see, to get so wound up about something". Colin explains that he can't help thinking about how violent and nasty it must have been, if it could happen to Des is could happen to anybody. He's become obsessed, he says, to the point where he ignored a knock on the back door - it was only a neighbour asking him to move his car. He drains his glass, which is clearly the latest of many. Natalie reassures him, it's very normal to feel that way, she's been exactly the same since it happened. She's been lucky, she smiles, she's been able to throw herself into her work. He tells how it really helped him, what she told him in the morning - he'd been worried that Des had married someone who cared more about her son than about justice for him. He feels different now, and admires her for that. "Yeah, says Natalie, thoughtfully. "What time's your train?" He explains that he's got the car, but she warns him that he can't drive after drinking so much. He waves her aside, protesting that he's fine, but she's more insistent as she stands to put her coat on. "No, you'll fall asleep and have an accident!" Perhaps he'd better come back to her place to sober up. He shakes his head, but as he rises he proves her point by unbalancing, staggering backwards into the drinkers at the bar, and apologising. "Oh well, perhaps I should". Natalie looks as if she's doing something she'll regret, but all the same she leads him down the slope.

Kevin comes into the Rovers and greets Martin, who is standing morosely at the bar. Martin asks Kevin if he's bringing the girls over tonight. Like everybody else in tonight's show, however, Kevin is weighed down by something on his mind, and doesn't quite register. "Tonight?" he asks. Martin reminds him that it's the social highlight of the year - Sarah-Lou's birthday party disco. Oh yes, Kevin remembers, he'll be there. He asks Martin how his job is going. "Rubbish!" says Martin, "you don't want to know!"

Audrey, also distracted, approaches the bar. Martin asks her if she's coming to Sarah-Lou's party. She looks puzzled. "Yeah, yeah" she says distantly, "I 'll see".

Martin goes over to her. Can she do him a favour? Pull some strings to help Walter and his sister in their homes? Or at least tell him who else on the Council he can talk to? "Oh no!" she tells him, "I'm Parks and Cemeteries, you know that Martin!" Some help! Martin turns away, clearly annoyed. "Thanks for your time! So pleased I voted for you!" "Martin, don't be like that love. Martin!" Audrey tries to retrieve the situation, but he isn't listening. Betty serves her, and Audrey confides "You have to have an answer to every damn little thing, they never stop to think you just might have problems of your own." No Audrey, sorry. You're not expected to know everything, but you are supposed to advise on where to go for help - in this case the name of the chair of social services would have done nicely. And why does Audrey never do any casework?

Natalie is showing Colin through the back gate of the Rovers. So, she's bought the place? He asks. She explains that she couldn't go on living in Des's house, it holds too many memories. She hasn't sold it, she's just letting someone stay in it. She takes him between the barrels (has he got her over a barrel? As it were?), through the back door and into her apartment. Once inside, Colin confesses that he knew he was stupid, drinking when he knew he was driving. "Look," he insists, "I haven't got a problem with the booze, if that's what you're thinking". Well, if you have, suggests Natalie, you've come to the right place! Colin just wishes it were all over, and they were banged up for life. So does Natalie, who is reassured to hear how it's all affected Colin. "We've probably got more in common than you think!" Colin doesn't understand. "Des!" she reminds him.

Eunice and Vera are sitting in the caff, chatting about golf. Eunice knows a bit about the subject, she used to knock about with this feller who played.

"He had a very small handicap!"

"He did?" asks Vera

"Oh, he was always going on about it"

"You'd think he'd keep quiet about it, wouldn't you?" suggests Vera.

Eunice explains that a small handicap is considered a Good Thing.

Roy comes over to tell them that the caff is closing, he seems anxious and in a hurry. Vera asks him if he plays golf. "No, no, but Hayley will watch it on the telly for half an hour, if there's nowt else on". Vera can't, like watching paint dry, she opines. Oh no, protests Roy, it's a very skilful game. Vera thinks they always look daft. "Yes, well," says Roy, defensively, "golf does attract a certain amount of derision, I'm not sure why. It does require a very high level of coordination to be a successful golfer", he enunciates carefully, "And it is things that require good coordination that attract people. Like dancing for instance", he adds with touch of ruefulness - coordination is not something Roy has in abundance. Very true, observes Eunice, and coordination is something you've either got or you haven't. It's not something you can learn. Roy, for some reason, looks disappointed on hearing this, he collects up the teacups grimly, they rattle as he takes them away.

At the Platts, a number of pre-teen bimbettes are moving about to music, Rosie and Sophie amongst them, while young David twitches the dimmer switch in an attempt to simulate disco lighting. David is reprimanded by Martin, descending the stairs, he'll fuse the lights. Gail appears and goes over to Kevin, sitting morosely behind the table laden with clingfilm-shrouded sandwiches and bits on sticks. She asks him if he's all right - can she make him a cup of tea? Kevin is silent for a while, but at length he reveals his concern. "It's the hearing tomorrow - this custody business." He's a worried man. The camera closes in on the innocent objects of concern, Sophie and Rosie, who look out of place and not enjoying themselves very much. "I haven't got a hope in hell of getting them, have I? They never ever award them to their dads." Gail doesn't know how it all works, but tells him he's just got to try and believe that whatever they decide is for the best. Kevin remains sceptical. "If she does get custody, she could take them away and I won't see them again". Gail tries to convince him that won't happen. "Maybe not tomorrow," he continues, "or the next week, but one day she might, and I won't see them for weeks on end. It shouldn't be like this." Kevin is almost in tears. We cut briefly to Rosie, languidly and unhappily poking her finger at a stray balloon.

Over at Rita's, Sally is voicing similar concerns about the same matter to Sharon and Rita. "Just wish it were over and done with, and sorted out". Sharon offers encouragement; "You're going to win, Sal, they always give them to the mother". Rita concurs. Sally is worried that they are going to want to talk to the girls, and ask them where they'd rather live. "They had a terrible time with that flaming Greg" she says, and adds bitterly "Now they're in cloud nine over there with smarmy Alison - think the sun shines out of her backside!". But, Rita reminds her, Sally is their mum, and Alison can't come anywhere near that. "I've messed everything up, Rita! Whoever wins or loses, the girls are not going to win anything, are they?" "Cheer up" says Sharon, mistress of bathos. "I've got an Arctic Roll in the freezer for pudding"

The camera lingers on the remains of a takeaway curry at Natalie's. "I suppose it was an odd choice, buying this place" she muses. "I still don't know if it were the right one". She wonders what the hell she's doing there, but at least she has a living, and somewhere to live. Colin looks at his watch, and starts - he didn't realise it was so late. Although it's only half past seven, he's still got to drive back to Newcastle and he's left his car in the middle of Manchester. He doesn't suppose Natalie would let him stop over? It's no problem for Natalie, with a couple of spare bedrooms. Shouldn't he call his wife? Yes, he will, though he doubts if she'll mind, or even notice - the whole business has put such a strain on everything. He starts to pour out his marital anxieties. "But you understand!" he tells her. "It's been good for me too," says Natalie. "To have somebody to talk to who doesn't get sick of listening". It's good, too, to have a little bit of Des around. She perks up "Right, well, do you fancy a proper drink now you're stopping?"

Colin grins.

Some hours later, the door opens into the darkened caff - it's Roy creeping home. The light comes on and makes him start. It's Hayley in her nightie and dressing gown. The pianist didn't turn up, she explains in her broad Oswaldtwistle twang, "then t'director threw a wobbly and choocked 'is scower at t' stehge manager, so we ahll ended oop in t'poob instead!" Hayley is bright and perky and has clearly had a good time. She helps herself to a pint of milk from the caff fridge, explaining that there's none upstairs. "How was the talk, that's where you've been isn't it?" Roy is once more left to fumble for an explanation "No, er, no, I, er, just went out for a walk, er, fancied a bit o'fresh air, been stuck in all day. Hayley seems satisfied with this, and offers to make him some cocoa.

Now it's my belief that Roy is secretly taking ballroom dancing lessons, so he'll look silly at the Valentine's disco. We shall see. Though actually I think he'd be rather good on the ballroom floor...

Back at Natalie's, drink has mellowed the pair, who sit side by side on the sofa clutching brandy glasses. It's been Natalie's turn to pour out her woes to Colin. "I get very morose. You don't like to think of yourself as somebody something tragic's happened to". She can't get away from it, she explains, it would be so much easier if she didn't miss Des so much, but then she'd feel guilty. We notice that Colin's arm has crept behind her head, poised but not touching yet. He is looking at her intensely, happy to listen as she goes on. "I miss him so much, you know. I mean physically. I don't just mean sex, either. It's like now, in the evening, I just like having somebody around." She is sniffing between phrases. "You know, that physical presence". She's breaking down, emotionally. "It sounds daft but... That's more important than anything". Finally, she collapses, crying, on Colin's welcoming shoulder. He hugs her, reassures her soothingly, plants a gentle kiss on her forehead. Their eyes meet. For an instant she averts hers as if to say No! This is wrong! But their faces close together and their lips melt into each others in a long, lingering, smouldering kiss.

The brass band sounds poignant as it strikes up our theme tune.

Well, that was just the kind of episode I like, wonderful, a delight! The script penetrates to Natalie's very soul and reveals her vulnerability, craving comfort, and a little bit of the man who truly loved her, though she knows it's wrong. To a lesser extent we get a revelation of the inner insecurity of Audrey that makes her the way she is behind a mask, and I wonder if it's no accident that such an emotionally revealing episode was written by a woman, Sally Wainwright.

Sue Nicholls excelled herself as the agonised Audrey, but even she was overshadowed by Denise Welch, who dominated and towered over the show, she turned in a quite superb performance, and I can't give my weekly laurel wreath to anybody else.

That's it for another week

Rosalind

---

Friday 5 February

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

They say that time flies when you're enjoying yourself. It also seems to fly by faster, the older you get. And you get to a stage where you realise, more than ever, that time is a precious commodity and not to be wasted. Well, it was one of those weeks. I decided, after months of inactivity, to jack in the job, once and for all. Regulars will be aware that a few months back, I decided I need to change jobs - I had originally hoped to sort things out while keeping the existing thing tickling along, but this has not been the case, with the result that, until this week, I was no further along that path. But one or two events tipped me over the edge, at long last, I am pleased to say - essentially, when you shy away from meeting with long established clients who have also become friends, then you know you've lost it and it is time to act.

My experiences are far from unique - what my profession is going through is being experienced by others too. There will be many others who will go down the same path, both in my line of work and in others. The authorities and powers that be will not hear this and will not act to prevent what has happened to me from recurring elsewhere. I write this, however, for the benefit of my friends, to explain what has been going on, and also for others, who may be going through the same process.

Since 1982, I have been a Financial Adviser, initially working for an Insurance company, before branching out on my own in 1985. In a lot of ways, I am an unlikely individual to be in that role - not being a salesy sort of person - but they do say it takes all sorts and I have met others in my field, with a similar style. Essentially, I am a pretty technical individual - the engineer in me gets a great buzz out of understanding how things work and how to crack technical problems. In terms of attributes, as far as the client is concerned, I care for the client, want to do a good job and have the ability to simplify complex technicalities and present them in a way which is easy to understand. For about 10 years now, I have tended to specialise in Pensions, especially Corporate pensions - this has provided me with a job satisfaction due to the level of complexity of the subject.

My field is by no means unique and an interesting parallel has been the teaching profession. Over the years, I have noticed peers in teaching - a lot of them colleagues of my wife's - cracking up mentally due to the stresses of the job. For those not in the UK, the previous Conservative Government decided a while back that teachers were "Public Enemy Number One" and embarked on a path of taking power away from teachers and making them toe the line - undoubtedly there were some who were not up to the mark, but by and large, the majority I have known have been dedicated to their profession. What the government decided to do, was to introduce a National Curriculum - the objective was to ensure that youngsters received an accepted standard of education, that they got a fair crack of the whip. A laudable concept and one principle which would not have been opposed by most teachers.

Unfortunately, it was introduced under the basic supposition that most teachers were subversive lefties, were useless and couldn't be trusted to do their job. It was also accompanied by the overkill that occurs when empire builders get in on the act and commonsense simply went out of the window. To give an example, my wife is at the primary end of things and at that level, surely, the main principle of education is to instil the basics - what used to be called the 3 R's, reading, writing and arithmetic. These basics enable youngsters to read and write (the basics for communication and for acquiring further knowledge) and to manipulate numbers (an important pre-requisite in a modern society). Once the subject specialists got in on the act and started their empire building, we ended up with about a dozen thick volumes, defining for "main" subjects, what was expected to be covered between the ages of 5 and 16 and setting out detailed milestones for achievement. Primary schoolteachers ran themselves ragged trying to cope with delivering the National Curriculum to this fine level of detail when, quite frankly, youngsters were being swamped and, in any case, were generally intellectually incapable of thinking at that level. Teachers were also faced with an immense paperwork load. In short, the authorities lost the plot - the result, increasing numbers of teachers in the 40s upwards, leaving the profession either voluntarily or due to medical problems, typically depression, stress, nervous breakdowns.

Accompanying this regime was a scheme, whereby schools would be inspected every three years to ensure they were delivering the curriculum. This was done in such a confrontational manner, which was threatening to the teaching profession, rather than being done in a positive way. Thus the teachers' problems increased further. I saw this happening to my wife's colleagues over a period of time - little was I to know that I too, would find myself in a similar position.

During the late 1980s, following a number of spectacular financial scandals involving fraud and theft of client moneys, the same government decided to regulate the financial services industry. This was badly needed and most decent advisers, thought the principle was a good one. There were too many cowboys around, who didn't put the client first and, quite frankly, did not understand what they were doing. Intellectually, they were just not up to the mark. I was doing some examining work at the time and was horrified by the poor standard of some experienced people, who were going through an examination process voluntarily - heaven knows what the score was, for the majority who didn't even see the need for qualifications, but I can imagine that pretty vividly.

So, a regulatory framework was introduced. The body responsible for supervising my side of things was actually one which had supervised other areas, but had no experience of my industry. The empire builders grew and produced volumes of gobbledegook to justify their positions. Because the principle of Investor Compensation was introduced, quite rightly, advisers were now deemed accountable for their actions and recommendations, an issue with which, again, I have no problem whatsoever. Somewhere along the line, though, the climate changed to one of fear, fear of being sued by the consumer. In fact, it was probably safer to recommend nothing, rather than the risk of a recommendation backfiring. Gradually the rules were cranked up, so that more and more paperwork needed to be done - this was there primarily as evidence, in case you got sued in the future. It didn't particularly help the client.

The Regulators still didn't know what they were doing some of the time - there were people with little, if no, knowledge of the industry, pontificating and in authority and earning vast salaries. I suspect the way to make money at the time was to be in the printing industry where you churned out vast reams of paperwork - they were the real beneficiaries of this change. In the meantime, the regulators lost the plot.

There were, however, some positives. An educational standard was set and, for the first time, advisers needed to pass a set of pre-determined examinations to be able to continue to advise. I have no problem with that, indeed, I marked many exam papers and saw, yet again, quite a few obviously experienced people who, quite frankly, did not know they were doing. Eventually they were drummed out of the business.

But the increases in petty paperwork continued and I gradually found myself questioning the extent of the regime - the futility of some of the paperwork. Over a period of time, this started to manifest as anger and outrage, because commonsense was rapidly going out of the business. The exodus of people from my profession increased - it wasn't just the old-timers who were resistant to change, it wasn't just the cowboys who didn't know what they were doing. It started to include decent people who had devoted many years to doing a reasonable job, either questioning what they were doing, or, in increasing numbers, people whose health was failing as they were cracking up in the process. And that's the category in which I find myself, after 17 years in the business, after having developed a top-notch reputation in my field.

I didn't see what was happening to me at the time, but about 3 years ago, I had some dental work done. The job was initially botched up with the result that I needed a number of visits to the dentist, finally changing to one who sorted out the problem. Unfortunately, the constant pain - which was pretty excruciating at times - continued. I was eventually referred to a local hospital, who finally diagnosed that my pain was now no longer dental, as that problem had been resolved, it was mental - I was suffering from stress. The pain had found a channel of "weakness" and was manifesting itself that way. For nearly two years, I struggled to find an answer to control the pain and was put on anti-depressants, which had a secondary benefit, that of blocking pain. Ordinary painkillers either didn't work or simply knocked me out.

A year ago, I finally realised and accepted that I was suffering from depression. The events of last year, particularly the new friendships I made here, helped in a therapeutic way - I started to examine the causes of my problems and to open up my feelings. About six months ago, I realised that the job was a major contributory factor in my illness. At the time, I had hoped to change direction gradually, but this has not worked - while I am happy when doing other things, the depression surrounding my work is so severe that it has stopped me moving forward. I came to the conclusion this week that the only way to do so, was to jettison the past - I am walking away from my job, with nothing to replace it. The lunatics have taken over the asylum and I want no part of it!!! Hopefully, I can get rid of some of the emotional and physical baggage of the past and do something which brings satisfaction and suits me as an individual. This year I hit the "Hawaii 5-0" and it is important that my remaining working years are somewhat happier than the last few.

I thank you for your patience in reading this epistle. Writing it fulfils a therapeutic need, but there is another, more important value. My updates are not the shortest and my reflective style does not suit all - contrary to what some may think, they are not an ego-trip. I know from the mail I receive that my writings and comments strike a chord with readers - different things at different times with different people. My experiences are not unique - many can identify with them. The only messages I can come up with right now are that life is too short and it is important to be true to yourself. If that helps, so be it...

Anyway.... enough of that.... without further ado, it's time for....

Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Milk Tray

The episode commences at the Rovers. Natalie and Colin are talking in the back room, both obviously embarrassed by the turn of events the previous night. Natalie is telling Colin he doesn't have to scurry off, but Colin is saying he shouldn't have stayed last night. Natalie's view is that as nobody knows he stayed, it's best of they both forget the whole thing. He tells her he won't make contact again, but Natalie reminds him that they will have to meet up in court. He tells her that he was awake for the half the night wondering why he did it and Natalie confesses that she doesn't know why, either. Maybe she needed comfort for someone who knew Des, she tells him. He shouts back that the whole street knew him, but her view is that, in time, people will forget him, but they won't.

While they are rowing, Lorraine comes into the room. She is surprised to see Colin and jumps to the conclusion that the hostility between them at the funeral has not gone away. Natalie and Colin explain that he stayed overnight as it was too late to drive back and he had been drinking. He bids his farewells, leaving a bewildered Lorraine with an embarrassed Natalie.

At Kevin's place, he is all togged up in his suit, ready to go to court. Alison has popped round to wish him luck - she says the girls are happy living with Kevin. He tells her that this won't enter into it, the girls will be told where to live by the court and that may well be with Sally. She tells him to put his case, to speak up for himself. He is determined to ensure they stay with him. She offers to come round later, but his response is half-hearted, maybe she's had enough of all of this, he says. She seems keen to be there for him, but she doesn't want to get in the way, she wants things to be straightforward. When she asks him again if she should come back later, his reply is more enthusiastic. They kiss and she leaves, looking back in concern, as she opens the front door.

At the Kabin, it's Sally's turn to look apprehensive. She wants some moral support and Rita is the right person to give it, but she doesn't want to put Rita to any trouble. Sharon insists that she will mange in the shop, it will be no trouble and Rita stresses that she's no Richard Branson having to rearrange a heavy schedule with captains of industry (not sure how she makes that out, as most times we hear of his "Cheesiness", he's extricating himself from yet another failed balloon trip round the world). Sally is pleased by the support she is getting and this is enhanced further when Ken walks into the shop - he tells her she is unlikely to need luck, as, in his experience, courts tend to favour mothers over fathers.

Lorraine is quizzing Natalie about Colin's reasons for staying - she has got it into her skull that Colin was causing trouble and that Natalie needs protecting. Natalie is a bit cagey in her response but tries to reassure Lorraine that Colin was not a threat - Lorraine cannot get her head around the fact that Colin wanted to talk. Natalie is slowly getting more and more irritated by Lorraine's persistent questioning - it takes time to come to terms with someone's death, she tells her. When Lorraine tells her she still cannot understand why, Natalie snaps and tells her to get the bar ready, she cannot run the pub on her own.

At the Salon, Vera has just had her hair done for the Golf Club interview she is about to attend. While Alma and Maxine look on, she is explaining to Maxine that the interview is important, as is the right hair-do to make a favourable impression - essentially that, as Maxine is not a top stylist, she couldn't be entrusted to such important matters. Audrey comments that Maxine is getting there under her tutelage. Alma tries to reassure Vera that she doesn't need to impress Mike, as he knows what they are like behind the bar - Maxine chips in that, surely, he'll put in a good word for Vera. When Vera wonders whether the other candidates will have posh hair-dos, Audrey comments that hers will be a match for anybody else's. Vera is still worried that she might say something wrong and put her foot in it - Maxine replies, tongue in cheek, that Vera's natural charm will see her through. Vera is still worried that she may say something wrong with all the tension, but Audrey tells her she has nothing to be worried about. Maxine sticks the boot in by saying that Vera's past record speaks for itself, "from cleaner to licensee, back to cleaner." Vera is understandably hurt by this statement and Audrey tells Maxine to get some biscuits "some quick drying cement covered ones, if it'll keep your mouth shut." Vera takes her leave with the parting shot that she has to go back to the B&B to make sure that Jack has a wash "in the places he doesn't use." After she has gone, Alma turns to Audrey and comments wishfully "I suppose they stand as much chance as anyone else." Audrey responds equally tongue in cheek.

Alma is there is persuade Audrey to go "for a last minute trawl around the sales". Audrey declines the offer. As she doesn't have any money. Alma is somewhat surprised at this, as she's never known Audrey to be short of cash and presses Audrey some more. Eventually Audrey comes clean - Alf's pension scheme was for life, his life, and when he died, his pension died with him. so the only income she now gets is from the salon. Alma is embarrassed and upset for Audrey, as Audrey tells her "do you know, he had a grip on my finances while he was alive and now he's still got one now he's gone - just don't tell anyone, eh?"

We are at the court, where Sally is telling Rita she cannot believe it has come to this - Kevin and her fighting over the girls. Rita points out that it's better than not caring what happens to them. When Sally maintains that the girls should be with her, Rita reminds her that the girls have two parents who love them. Sally's solicitor, Mrs Barrett, comes along at that point - Sally introduces her to Rita.

After Mrs Barrett and Sally have gone off to discuss some points, Rita wonders down to Kevin who is further down the corridor. Kevin is antagonistic when Rita hopes that all works out for the best "particularly for Rosie and Sophie." Kevin is miffed that Rita is supporting Sally - "actions speak louder than words," he tells her. Rita reminds him that she never liked Greg Kelly, but Kevin ruefully points out that Sally obviously didn't listen. "Neither did you about Natalie Horrocks" replies Rita - Kevin feels that this statement is out of order, as that was well in the past. "So is Greg Kelly" replies Rita playing her trump card. Kevin is still not convinced and tells her "if you're trying to tell me sally is a good reliable mother, save your breath, I don't want to know."

Jack and Vera have arrived for their interview. They have been asked to wait in the bar and are very impressed by the place. Their enthusiasm gets the better of them as they start to feel confident about getting the job. The bar, the plush carpets, the polished oak, the gold writing "and no roughnecks" says Vera (oblivious to the ultimate irony). Jack sees them leaving behind their working class backgrounds, they are going to raise their sights.

Vera spots Mike going past and attracts his attention. They are anxious to roll their sleeves up and make a start, they tell him. Jack asks Mike is there is any serious opposition - Mike evades the question partially by saying that there are quite a few people to interview. "Not like us, though?" asks Vera. "No, none like you" replies Mike, laughing. The irony of this comment is wasted on them as well. Mike makes his excuses and leaves. As he moves away, he overhears them in confident mood, feeling they've cracked it - he shakes his head in disbelief....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences in the court. The custody hearing has commenced and the District Judge is introducing the case. Each of the parents wants custody of the children, each has a home to offer them - she recommends that , in these circumstances, they pursue the family mediation process. It is private, it would require no further input from the court and it would be less intrusive than other forms of action. Kevin rejects this and his solicitor confirms that he has explained this course of action to his client - Kevin gets all lippy saying that he doesn't want his kids exposed to "some maniac like Greg Kelly". The solicitor diplomatically explains that his client believes the children are still at risk and wants the court to make the decision, once and for all, as to where they should live. Sally's solicitor confirms that Sally, too, has rejected mediation - Sally angrily states that Greg Kelly won't come back and that Kevin knows it. Kevin refutes this, in any case, Greg hit Sally, so he was capable of hitting the girls. When it becomes clear that neither of them will agree on mediation, the Judge asks the Court Welfare Officer to prepare the reports - this could take several weeks and she reminds them it would be better if they could come to a decision of their own accord. Yet again, both Kevin and Sally reject mediation. "So be it, I will make the order" concludes the chairwoman.

Alison and Lippy Linda have come into the Rovers at lunchtime. Linda asks why the garage is shut, "lover boy sick?" Alison explains that Kevin is in court seeking custody of the children. "More fool him" replies Linda "let Sally look after the kids". When Alison points out that Kevin has as much right to have the girls as Sally, Linda reminds her that if Kevin wins, she will be the one wiping their noses and chasing after them. Alison doesn't seem particularly bothered by this and comments that they are nice kids. "Maybe" replies Linda "but they will never call you mother". She will always come second and never have Kevin to herself. Betty comes over with their drinks and Linda quips that Alison will pay, she might as well get used to being a mug. Alison pays, telling Betty to keep the change.

"Ten p, first tip of the day" chuckles Betty to Natalie, who is looking on, pre-occupied. Noticing her mood, Betty asks whether Colin had said anything he shouldn't have - "No" replies Natalie. "Has he done something?" continues Betty, to which, Natalie again replies "no". Misinterpreting Natalie's mood, Betty warns her to be careful, that Colin has a nasty temper and not a lot of sympathy for Natalie. Nat starts to lose her rag at this point and tells Betty "we had a talk, Betty, that's all". Betty continues to probe, based on her misapprehensions that there much have been a verbal punch-up, getting Natalie more and more irritated in the process. Betty fires her final salvo in the hope that everything is alright "for Des' sake" - Natalie's face shows frustration, as she is unable to reveal her secret.

The Golf Club interview is under way, with a panel of three interviewers, including Mike Baldwin. The chairman is saying that Mike Baldwin has told them he has known the Duckies for a number of years. Jack provides the diplomatic half of the would be stewards "oh yes, known him for years, been one of our best customers". Vera plays true to form "Scotch whisky, he's been done for it, haven't you?" (with skills like that they could go far - LOL!!!!), Jack quickly tries to retrieve the situation "a very sociable bloke, generous to a fault". The chairman refers to their application and the fact that, although Vera was previously licensee of the Rovers Return, (Vera "lovely pub..., very homely...", Jack "with a touch of class..." ) but her current position there is as a cleaner (Vera ".. well, cleaner, adviser, personal assistant, you know, to the new owner.. she's not had much experience"). The chairman is still trying to get his head around their application "let me gets this clear, you... clean .. the pub?" "Yes, I scrub floors, I polish the tables, bung bleach down the toilets, nowt stinks when I've gone home" replies Vera. Mike winces. The chairman continues semi-incredulously "and you think you could handle the transition from pub cleaner to catering manageress??" "Of course I could, no problem" replies our confident Vee, "well, with our Jack's help". Jack does his bit advising that they would be taking on a team, "we work in unison" - this double act raises a mild snigger from a lady member of the panel, who has been silently listening to the proceedings - "in harmony, like" continues Jack, "never a wrong word" adds Vera. This spectacle is providing some quiet amusement to Mike, as the chairman continues to probe "and you're used to dealing with staff?" It's Jack's turn to excel "oh aye, we've had them, oh aye, fingers in the till, we'll soon sort them out for you", to which Vera helpfully adds "we could sort out this place too"!!!! The chairman picks up on this statement and asks "you think there's room for improvement?", to which Vera scornfully replies "well, when was the last time you had a vacuum to this carpet?" When the chairman replies that he has never vacuumed any carpet, Vera puts both feet in it "well, I wouldn't like to go to your house, a bit of spit and polish never harmed anybody, did it?". Equally oblivious to the tack taken in the interview, Jack tells the panel "well, you give us this job and we'll get you organised". "Will you?" "Oh aye" continues Jack "with me and our Vera at the helm, you won't know the place, you'd think you were..... somewhere else". "Another planet" adds Vera helpfully. The looks on the faces of the various parties to the interview say it all, as a wonderful little scene ends.

The action switches back to the court. Outside the courtroom, Kevin's solicitor is telling his client that the report will take several weeks to prepare. He explains that they girls will be visited in their own home and that is not a pleasant experience for most people. Kevin is unfazed by this, as long as he gets the children, he doesn't care. The solicitor continues to stress that it is not possible to predict the outcome, the children's welfare will be the primary concern. Kevin expresses the view that they "will be better off with me than with her" as the two of them pass Sally talking to her solicitor.

Mrs Barrett is telling Sally much the same - the welfare office will visit the girls' school to find out if there have been any changes in the girls behaviour since the parents split up. When Sally confidently replies that there haven't been any changes, "the teachers would have told me", the solicitor replies "not necessarily". Sally cannot see any problems, "they're fine, they've coped" as Mrs Barrett explains that Sally will be asked about any new partners. "I haven't got any, but Kevin has" replies Sally, trying to stick the knife in. Her solicitor, obviously knowing that life is rarely so straightforward, reminds Sally that it would have been easier had she and Kevin been able to come to some sort of agreement between themselves. "Well, we didn't - and we never will" retorts Sally.

At the Rovers, Audrey has been served her drinks by Natalie and, as she sits down with Maxine, she comments that Natalie didn't have much to say for herself. Maxine is a bit cheesed off at Audrey's incessant whining and that she has not had anything good to say about people all day. When Audrey retorts that she doesn't know why she is buying Maxine the drink, swilling her profits away, Max points out that it was for the overtime she put in for her earlier. It is clear that Audrey's necessity to be careful with finances is backfiring. Having said that, Maxine suggests ways of getting extra business in, with Valentine's Day looming - greetings cards with very appointment, posters, decorations. While they catch Audrey's imagination up to a point, the limit is that most involve spending money, nevertheless, they get Audrey thinking.

Ian has wandered up to Natalie at the bar. "Hiya, remember me?" is his opening line in patter. Natalie smiles, "of course" but there's no disguising her preoccupation. Ian comments that she doesn't look as chirpy as the other night, Natalie explains that it was one of those nights. "It's a good job I'm here, to take your mind it" continues the patter.

Back at Kevin's, he is explaining the days events at court to Alison. She explains her concern that the Welfare Officer might want to talk to her, she doesn't fancy having her name banded about in court. Kevin tries to reassure her that this is not going to happen. She tells him that she would rather spend the weekend on her own, she doesn't want to hear "Sally said this, Sally said that" till Monday morning, she wants to enjoy herself. Kevin agrees with her, that's why he wants to go out. This catches Alison unawares, as he explains that Sally has the girls, they've got each other, they're both dressed up, why don't they go out and have some fun? One beaming Alison suggests that Kevin has got it right. "Just us? No Sophie or Rosie?" she asks. He explains that he doesn't have to be a dad all the time, he can get time off. "Can you?" she asks. "I can for you" he replies, holding her hand. Awwwwww!!!

Back at Platt's Palace, Audrey is sitting down for her evening meal with Gail and Martin. He asks her again, whether she would be prepared to help with the problem of one of the residents at the Nursing Home - she is too busy, she tells him. He has all the details written down and passes her a piece of paper to be forwarded onto Social Services. Audrey is reluctant to get involved, citing all sorts of excuses. Finally, after Martin begs her to do it as a favour to him "you're my only hope", she grudgingly acquiesces, telling him not to expect miracles.

Rita is just leaving Sally's place. Sally is annoyed at having "strangers poking their noses into everything" but Rita tries to get a sense of balance, they are just seeing what provisions have been made for the children. Yet again, she launches into another tirade about Kevin being unreasonable, but then hopefully, comments that, anyway, mothers always get custody of their own children. "Nearly always" corrects Rita, as she joins the list of people advising that the couple would have been better off sorting it out themselves.

At that point, Kevin and Alison are crossing the road. Alison sees Rita and Sally and suggests going another way. Kevin isn't interested, "we're going straight past."

Rita hears this and, anxious to avoid a scene, says she will have to get going. "Don't go on account of me" snipes Kevin, as he and Sally launch into another slanging match. Alison does her best to draw Kevin away, but he seems insistent on having his pennyworth. He accuses her of slagging him off, she reminds him that she didn't bring up Natalie Horrocks' name or Alison's in court, but he chose to bring up Greg Kelly's. To protect the kids, is his explanation, "to make me look stupid" is hers. "You went with a con-man. You gave him all your money. You must be stupid" is our philosopher's pronouncement. The verbal skirmish continues, as he taunts her to find out what other stupid things she is going to do, she points out she will do anything to have the kids, apart from having a slanging match in the street with him - in any case, she only handed them over to him temporarily. "you're only bothered about what you want. You don't care about them girls. You're a selfish lying bitch. You don't deserve to have them anywhere near you" lambastes Kevin, much to Alison's discomfort. The argument ends with Kevin telling Alison "this is what she's like" and Sally telling Alison "and this is what HE's like".

Back at the Rovers, Natalie has been enjoying Ian's company and is in much better spirits. She offers him the next drink on her for cheering her up. "Well, if I can bring a bit of light in someone's life" replies Sir Galahad. She comments that he does a fine line in patter and asks whether he lives round here or is passing through. A bit of both, he replies, he's a salesman. Looking at his watch he realises he has lost track of all time - that drink, can he save it till next time, he asks? (Good sales line, eh? You fix up the next appointment to close the sale!) No problem is her response, they are not going to sell out. "Well, keep smiling, eh?" he tells her, as he leaves. The smiles on their faces and their body language indicates that the first impressions they made on each other have been further consolidated and that there is some chemistry between them.

Jack and Vera are having a post-interview post-mortem with Mike. Jack says he thought they had blown it. You didn't, is Mike's response, it's just they had a lot of applicants. Did I talk too much, asks Vera. You were a joy to listen to, replies Mike. Bet you had a good laugh behind my back, comments Vera. Mike tells her that the panel were impressed by her style, and Jack's. He softens the blow by telling them that they really needed someone with "a bit more experience on the catering side." (LOL!! That and the rest!!) When Jack comments "hot pot not good enough for you?" it sums up the void between them and again, Mike gently tries it get across to them the size of the void - functions for maybe 200 people, two or three times a week. "Still, better luck next time, eh?" Vera thanks him for putting them in the picture.

He gets up and leaves them passing Betty on the way. "Bad news?" she asks. "Not for the Golf Club, no" he quips.

Betty, seeing Natalie's improved mood, comments on this. "You've cheered up a bit. That fella's brought a smile to your face." Natalie gets all defensive "no he hasn't", she maintains. When Betty says "it's no crime to chat to a good looking fella. Des wouldn't mind, you know", it provokes another outburst from Natalie, "how do you know what Des would mind?" Betty continues "well, he was a live wire wasn't he?" Natalie gets into a strop with her and tells Betty that she merely works here, that's all. "What I do is my business, so just keep your nose out of it, OK?" So there!!! Betty is firmly put in her place...

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits ...

Episode written by Catherine Hayes

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Not a particularly action-packed episode, rather one where scenes are being set for the future. Natalie has succumbed to the charms of Colin in a lapse, but now looks like being attracted to Ian. I suspect this will be an interesting storyline, especially as Ian is Sharon's fianc and Sharon was fostered by Rita - you will recall the animosity felt by Rita towards Natalie when Nat had her affair with Kevin. The Betty situation was well covered, where a friend makes an innocent comment without knowledge of the background and ends up putting their big feet in it - Natalie is obviously sensitive from guilt feelings following her one night stand with Colin and would be embarrassed to admit being attracted to another man, so soon after the death of her husband - nevertheless, these things do happen and the feelings seem to be captured well.

The Kevin and Sally saga is rumbling on, with the predictable consequences when both parties feel they are in the right and the kids are caught in the middle. Alison's awkward position, again, well covered.

Audrey, having to face up to her reduced circumstances, following the Alf's death, is predictably over-reacting with financial caution. Although it is a slightly different scenario, many pensioners have a paranoia that their funds will run out before they die and this is the fear being captured accurately by Audrey. She is not yet retired but the consequences of her financial position are real nevertheless and difficult for someone whose lifestyle has not been entirely frugal (note the understatement there!!!).

Finally, light comedy provided by Vera and Jack, going for the Golf Club Stewardship and making a complete hash of the whole thing. Some wonderful dialogue, acting and superb timing by the hapless due.

All in all, a reasonable episode, realistically written, although not quite as sparkling considering the quality of recent episodes.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care... Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan

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Sunday 7 February

This update is especially challenging for me. Not only do I have to get it finished (and some other work besides) before the end of the working day, else it'll get caught in the whirlwind of our imminent family holiday and never appear at all, but it is the first update I have tried to put together while hungover. Last night we had a bit of a soiree (am I allowed to say that or is it too passee, dahlings ?) to wish bon voyage to a colleague and his wife who are moving to Seattle to start work for a rather large and successful IT company. Yours truly felt obliged to try every wine. Owwww...

So, duly apologising in advance for any terrible typos, or complete mistruths as I endeavour to make sense of the scribblings on these scrappy pieces of A4 paper (just the 3 for me, Ros), here's last Sunday's episode.

Act 1
We open in the corner shop with Nita and Fred engaged in stock-taking. She is alarmed at Fred's casual indifference to the sell-by dates on much of his stock, some of which, the dog biscuits in particular, are two years past. Emily knocks on the door and asks if the shop is open for business. Fred says not, but Nita invites Emily in and sells her a pint of milk. Emily promises to remain a faithful customer, to Nita's satisfaction. Fred opines that it's not worth opening up for one pint of milk. He should know better.

Sally is overdoing the glee, something she is disturbingly prone to of late, at having the gurls to stay. She watches them playing in the back garden. They rush in to show her a worm that Sophie has picked up. Fortunately, she hasn't eaten it yet, in an attempt to broaden her diet, and the worm is sent back outside. The girls stay in, as they're too cold. Rosie, now settled with a fairly permanent expression of near-misery, announces that she's left her yo-yo at Daddy's house. [Yup, these are the "in" toys once more.] Sophie trails mud in on her boots, and wonders if she will get into trouble with Natalie. Sally says not. Sophie lets everyone know that she loves this new house, as it's got a garden, but Rosie is perturbed at the lack of a video. Mummy promises to save up and buy them one.

More scenes of domesticity as we move to the old folks' home, where Martin is collecting plates after a meal. His boss, Gerald Lickley [great name !] looks gloomily at all the wasted food, and is not happy at Martin's explanation that it's down to the fact that many of the residents need help with their eating, and the home doesn't have enough staff to provide this. Martin asks if there have been any phone calls for him, as he's expecting to hear from another home, whom he is hoping can offer Walter a place with his sister. Lickley points out this'll mean they will be left with an empty room.

Kevin, still in his dressing-gown, opens his front door to Sally, come looking for Rosie's yo-yo. She comes in while he goes upstairs, and finds Alison in the kitchen, also in her dressing-gown. Alison offers her a cup of tea, but Sally declines. In a falsely cheerful tone, she tells the lovebirds that every day could be like this if the girls come and stay with her permanently. Kevin looks rueful as she leaves.

Back to the home again for a small lesson in economics as Lickley explains to Martin that he [Martin] doesn't understand how much it costs to run a home like this. Apparently, 38 fire-proof doors cost 400 pounds apiece. He says he would *like* more staff, but to pay their wages would mean putting the costs up, and the residents couldn't afford any more. So he'd end up closing the place down, and then where would the old folks live ? Martin, who seems surprisingly naive about all this given his years of working within the health service, observes that it's a people business. The phone rings before they explore this topic further, and Martin is pleased to hear that Walter can move to a room right next to his sister, and better still, that one of the residents in the other home would like to swap, to be nearer her family. Lickley is *really* teed at this, a stranger moving in, with relatives practically on the doorstep ! [An insight as to how he really feels about the people under his care.] Martin is about to set off for Walter's room to give him the good news, but Lickley tells him that he thinks Walter has nodded off - if Martin's looking for something to do, there's a blocked sink upstairs that needs attention.

Nita and Fred have finished taking stock. She tells him she will have the money for the shop the next day. He asks what she wants to do about the flat upstairs. She's keen to take it, but wants all the existing furniture removed. Fred is offended - that cost him good money. A stranger arrives and is introduced as Vikram, Nita's brother. He goes off with the flat keys, to take a look at the place. Fred asks Nita if he'll be working in the shop too. Nita says he'll be *her* assistant - she's keeping an eye on him.

The much-missed Toyah returns to our screens, in the Battersby's front room, where she and Les are looking through his old record collection. Reminds me of my own yoof, it does - Mott the Hoople, Kate Bush, Procol Harum, Slade. They are assessed for their suitability for the up-coming Valentine's Day Mass^h^h^h^hDisco, and Janice is despatched to answer the front door. Another long-lost soul, Charlie West, walks in. He's come to do them a favour, he says, he's just been doing a house clearance. Funny line of the night from Janice as she asks him if the owner of the house knew about it. He tries, unsuccessfully, to flog some prints of old masters, but Les tells him he has turned over a new leaf and doesn't want anything to do with Charlie's dodgy old gear. As Janice shoos Charlie to the front door, she points out that Les is saving his money for some new disco equipment. Not one to miss an opportunity, Charlie reveals his cousin went to school with "DLT" and he can surely get hold of some stuff cheap. Thanks, but no thanks, says Les. Who's DLT, wonders Toyah. "What, you've not heard of Dave Lee Travis - the hairy cornflake ?", Les is astounded. [For overseas readers, or those of a more youthful disposition, like Toyah, DLT was a DJ on BBC's Radio 1 in the 70's. And he was, indeed, known as the hairy cornflake.]

Martin tells Lickley that the sink had been blocked by a handful of peanuts ! Now free, he goes to Walter's room to tell him the good news. Walter is very still, and it's no great surprise that Martin discovers he has passed away.

Act 2
Off to the cafe now, where Hayley surprises Roy, who appears to be testing out the toaster, in preparation for the move to his new business. He thinks he'll be needing a lot of new equipment, and admits to being a bit apprehensive at the move. Hayley is far more confident that it'll be a great success. He contrasts her enthusiasm, and active social life, with his own. She offers to meet him for a drink that evening, after she's been round a few places looking at menus for the disco [yes, I'm a bit confused with this too] but he declines. Something seems to be on his mind...

Meanwhile, over at the corner shop, Vikram returns and tells Nita that the flat's fine as it is - why doesn't she just take it, furniture and all ? She explains that it'll be her first place, and she'd rather furnish it herself from scratch. Fred breezes in, also wondering about the flat. He tries to barter with her on the furnishings, but she's adamant that she doesn't want any of them. Maxine enters the shop, and mere microseconds later she and Vikram are mentally undressing each other. Fred confides in Vikram that if he were 40 years younger... ["Lascivious" is a great word, isn't it ?]

Back to Les, who is rocking all over the living room, to the Quo. The door goes again, and it's Charlie, relieved to find Janice is out. This time, he's trying to palm off some records on Les. They are, without exception, terrible. Les advises him of this fact.

A late first visit to the Rovers tonight, where Lorraine is serving Steve and asking him if he can put in a good word for her with the landlords of the new flats he is working on. Just a little further along the bar, Hayley is trying to enthuse Janice and Linda about the organisation of the party. Linda expects she'll be on her own, and Janice's Les will be DJ'ing. Hayley is looking forward to it, though.

A fleeting glimpse of Sir Royston, who knocks on the front door of a strange house [strange as in we do not recognise it, not strange as in it is answered by Lurch] and is let in. Whatever is going on ?

Audrey is fast exhausting our sympathies over her bereavement [sadly, Bryan Mosley, who played Alfeh, died in real life this week] as she confides to Gail that she had been hoping to retire herself. Gail is not so sure - she thinks her mam enjoys working really. Martin arrives home, not a happy bunny at all. Gail enquires, and he tells them that Walter has died before he'd been able to see his sister once more. Martin's clearly looking to sound off at any one, and Audrey is in his sights. He accuses her of being overly self-centred and not caring about anyone else's feelings. She could have done something for Walter, or at least tried.

Back to the Rovers, where Spider bitches about Steve Macdonald to Lorraine. He sits down with Emily, seemingly on the run from the interfering Blanche, who is still busy matchmaking Ken and Deirdre. She passes comment on Lorraine, sounding as if she hasn't heard that the odd couple have split up.

Fred arrives, and gets Rita a drink. He tells her that he thinks there'll be changes afoot on the local retail front, now that Nita is taking over the corner shop. This plants a seed of something in Rita's head, by the look of it.

Martin arrives back home, to find that Audrey has already left, taken home in a somewhat distressed state by Gail. He's still fuming that Audrey isn't taking her duties as a councillor seriously, in his book. Anyway, he's decided that he's not going to put up with what's going on at the old folks home any longer, and intends to go to the press and tell them what the conditions are like. Gail, predictably, explodes. She tells him this is bound to result in him losing his job and being rendered practically unemployable as a nurse. She plays on his responsibilities as a father, and warns him not to make his family pay the price of his rash actions.

Hayley comes down the stairs from the flat above the cafe, having heard the front door open. Roy is on his way in. [Sneaking would be about right.] He tells her he had decided to go for a walk. She is not convinced. "Well, if you say so. But why have you got your best suit on ?" But before he gets a chance to answer, the credits roll.

This episode was written by Phil Woods.

Hmm, well here we are at the end of another update. So, I've scanned through everything above, and what's the conclusion ? To be honest, I'm finding it somewhat more difficult to make a decision about any particular episode, now that the style of the show has changed so much. Overall then, another solid show, nothing spectacular or cliff-hanging, just a bunch of individual threads all moving along. I think the only one that continues to annoy is the Sally-and-Kevin show. Or more accurately, Sally-and-anyone-else. Or even more accurately, the-character-formerly-known-as-Sally-but-now-a-totally- different-person-and-anyone-else.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Reet, that's me for a whole fortnight and a bit. I leave you in the capable hands of Annie and CP, while I leave myself in the capable hands of the family entertainment capital of the world. Enjoy !

John Laird

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Monday 8 February

Hiya :)

Well, it's another week gone and time for another Monday Update. What more can I say besides that? To be honest, I barely even noticed that seven days had slipped by between this week and the last it went so quickly but, lo, here I am again in front of the keyboard ready to keep all you good folk up to date with what's happening on and around the UK's favourite cobblestones. Apologies in advance for the (lack of) length and wit. Although tonight's was mildly entertaining in parts, it was hardly spectacular to say the least and, in the interests of getting this out on time, I'm going to trim things a little. So rather than keep you waiting any further, I'll kill the waffle and get started. (Normal service will hopefully be resumed next week...)

All is not well as we open in Plattingham Palace with Martin and Gail arguing over breakfast. Gail asks him if he's going to bother going into work or whether he intends to give his "conscience and principles a rest today". He is unimpressed with her sarcasm and informs that he's due in at nine and will be there, but nonetheless his wife continues to berate him, telling him that most days *she* doesn't feel like going to work but goes anyway because they have kids to feed and a mortgage to pay. On top of all this, she makes it known that if Martin loses *this* job as well he'll soon be unemployable altogether, before wrapping up with the line "And there's no need for you to take it out on my and me mother!" and leaving him to cry in his cornflakes (metaphorically, of course)... Hm, now much as I like Gail and Martin, I'm afraid that for me this storyline hasn't progressed at all from last week where regular readers will remember I gave it a good hearty slagging. Also, this particular scene gave me uncomfortable "Deja Vu" from a few weeks ago when Martin was faced with losing his last job over 'principles'... (On the bright side, tho, Gail was wearing quite a nice beige jumper...)

Continuing with the lesser storylines, we now see Sickly Webster having trouble starting her van. Kevin (who is on hand as a mechanic these days almost as often is Martin Platt is around for medical emergencies) is standing nearby and offers to help her start it but she tells him snottily that she doesn't want any favours and then goes on to trouble a passing Gary Mallett, asking *HIM* to give the van a push (as if the poor guy doesn't have enough on his hands)! Needless to say, he obliges, since he's an all-round good egg, and the van starts. As Sickly wheels off down the road, tooting her horn, the Merry Mallett remarks that she's "got guts" to go to the market every day in this weather. Kevin mumbles "Got guts? Funny... She just gives me a pain in mine..." and his sentiments are echo'd across the Nation no doubt.

Over at Chateau Batteau, Toyah (Yay! Back on our screens again!) tells Janice that they're out of cornflakes and there's just a "few crusts" left in the breadbin, thus are desperately in need of a shopping trip. Just then, Les comes down the stairs and demands to know if anyone's seen his 'medal' ("Medal?? Who gave YOU a medal??" laughs Toyah), aka his MEDALLION! Yep, Les is an ex-medallion man and had intended to dig it out to wear round his neck at the Underworld Valentine's Disco, so needless to say, he's not best pleased when Janice tells him that (a) she's taken it down the pawn shop, (b) she hasn't got enough money to buy it back, (c) he'll have to earn some cash himself if he wants it and (d) that it doesn't exactly take priority over things like food and electricity! As the Warrior Princess storms off for work, Les sits down petulently at the breakfast table and tells Toyah that most men wouldn't put up with a woman like Janice because they're "not as tolerant as I am" (!!!), before proceeding to ask his stepdaughter for a sub! "You used to have a bit stashed away..." he begins but thankfully Toyah puts her foot down, cuts him off and tells him no.

Martin, meanwhile, is buying extra strong mints for the old folk at the rest home, since he tells Maud "it's the only thing some of them can taste anymore", before launching into a brief gripe about the dodgy conditions at his place of employment, most notably the appalling food. Maud just sighs, comparing the state of this old folk to her own situation and telling him that it's her last day working at the Cornershop today before Nita takes over. She laments that "This is when you feel *really* old... When nobody needs you and you're no use anymore", poor dear...

Sharon comes into the Cornershop, a little late for work and a lot flustered, her new fiance at her side, apologising for her tardiness. No prizes for guessing that in less than 2 seconds Ian has to rush off on business, although this time he advises her that it's only going to be a day trip. As he leaves the shop, Sharon tells Rita that she wishes he didn't have a travelling job sometimes, since it means she hardly sees him... The Big Red One, cynical as ever, tells her that after a few years of being actually married, she'll hardly be able to wait to get rid of him in the mornings! Obviously, the young bride-to-be simply laughs this off and begins to enthuse further about her impending ceremony. The plan had been to just be married in a registrat office with no fuss, but Sharon apparently saw an adorable little church on the way to work and now fancies a full-on fancy affair (no pun intended), an idea which she intends to put to Ian later that evening. "I'm lucky", she smiles to herself, before wishing that she could seek out and find a good bloke for "poor Sally" (!) too (I had no idea that Sharon was into bloodsports!)...

Over at the factory, The Underworld Worker Bees are hard at work, sewing knickers. Deirdre asks Loathsome Linda Lite (now with 40% less hatefulness) what the plans are for this Valentine's Day Disco and is informed that Lady Hayley of Patterson has booked the Glorious Palace otherwise known as 'T'Flying Horse' for the occasion... Not only that, but she's gotten the venue for free (woohoo), something which seems to please everyone, everyone except Lady H herself this is... Something is visibly troubling her, so Janice makes the effort to find out what's wrong... "It's Roy", begins Hayley, "He went out last night and I know for a fact he didn't go where he said he were gonna go"... Janice and Linda *instantly* reckon that Sir Royston is having a "bit on the side" and when Hayley protests that he "wouldn't do that to her", the Loathsome one grunts that "they all would", before adding dryly "I'll tell you this much. If your bloke's cheating on you, you've finally cracked it. You're one of t'girls, right enough. Join the flamin' club!"

I interrupt the update at this point to bring you an urgent health warning. THERE HAS BEEN AN OUTBREAK OF RICKETTS ON CORONATION STREET. Yes, newcomer Vikram Desai (brother of Nita, son of Ravi) has demonstrated to one and all that he has been trained good and proper at the Adam Ricketts School Of Simpering, Faffing and Bleating. Whilst not yet quite as bad as his uberwooden mentor, we have already seen early signs that he cares more about his hair than his lines and seems to have trouble reading them in anything but terminally wet monotone. Bleh. Anyway, watch this space to see if his illness develops further or find out if whether or not he can be cured! My diagnosis? Get ye to a Drama Class, now!

Anyway, with that out the way, we now see Vikram and Nita getting out of the car and heading into the Cornershop. He is telling her that he thinks it's a bad investment, that he has no desire to stand around in there all day stacking shelves and that he could probably make more money "working for himself" (which I hope isn't prophetic of a forthcoming career in pop music)... Just then Trac^H^H^H^HMaxine walks out of the Kabin and Vikram takes the opportunity to chat her up in the most cringeworthy and embarrassing way he can, introducing himself and asking that she be "one of his customers". She tells him she could return the favour and "do something" with his hair if he were drop into the salon sometime. They give each other the eye. I promptly feel an unpleasant storyline developing and, at this point, write down a note to remind me to buy a new bucket next time I go shopping...

Inside, we are treated to a somewhat more poignant scene... Fred and Maud saying goodbye to the Cornershop. "It's been a good little business, aye", muses Fred, at top volume of course, "But I'll be glad to get shut of it!", to which Maud responds "That's ok for you, but it's the end of my working life"... He tries then to comfort her, telling her she's lucky to have worked this long (!) but she is giving off incredibly grumpy signals. Just then, Fred's "Little Tycoonette", Nita, enters and hands him the ominous Banker's Draft which finally seals the deal. Elliot's Store is now part of the Desai's chain of Cornershops. As Maud wishes Nita good luck in the future, Fred tells her he'll take her for a drink at the Rovers before smiling and wheeling her out of the door... A simple, low-key scene, but an effective one nonetheless with lots of nice mixed feelings going on. Nita's empowerment, stemming from finally being able to run her own shop, Fred's devilish joy at having a substancial wad in his hand (so to speak) and Maud's despair at coming to the end of her career. Very nicely acted, all round...

END OF PART ONE

The adverts are possibly the most inane and trite bunch I've seen in awhile, I'm afraid. Gruelling details will be spared. You'll thank me later. :)

PART TWO
Continuing where we left off, Maud and Fred are now inside the Rovers, the latter talking to Natalie, whilst the former sits at a table looking like someone just told her that '911' are No1 in the album charts (ie: Highly despondant!)... When she murmurs that she'll never be able to work again, Fred continues trying to convince her that she's lucky to have had such a generous employer as he, since few others would have kept her on! "Call me a sentimental old fool", he sighs, dramatically, "You're a lucky woman to have worked at all, considering your affliction!" (ouch!)... Natalie takes her cue to leave, as Fred continues to dig his own grave with his ex-employee. "There's not many fellas who'd've been as big- hearted as I've been to you, I say!", he tells her, before musing to himself that the only regret he holds is not being able to rip off Ravi Desai for more money, grumbling "It's a shame that he cottoned on you know... That Audrey Roberts is a wonderful woman in many ways, but she's indiscreet you know"! Maud, who has now had quite enough of her pride being stamped on by the Burly Butcher, decides she has nowt more to lose and tells him the truth about her confession to Ravi, stating bluntly "It was me. I tipped him off to your little game. I can't bear to see you plotting and scheming and twistin' folk"... Fred is furious and hollers "My word! I thought your Maureen were a vicious woman! NOW I KNOW WHERE SHE GETS IT FROM!"

So we cut to a far less interesting scene with the rather dull Martin Platt -vs- The World storyline continuing inside the Cafe. He has popped in briefly to find Audrey, so he can firstly apologise to her for his outburst the other day and, secondly, to ask her once more to contact Social Services... Lady Hayley and Sir Royston, meanwhile, having a conversation over the counter. She tells him that she must visit the Flying Horse again tonight to sort out some last minute details, asking if he wants to tag along? He tells her he'd best not and adds that actually he'd rather like a quiet night in by himself so she accepts this innocently, smiles and bounces out of the Caff... Martin and Audrey's conversation continues across the room and he requests that she gets in touch with someone there, uses her 'sway' as a councillor (!) and insist that the Old Folk's Home gets a random inspection from a figure of authority... Bleh. Hayley, meanwhile, has forgotten one of her gloves and, as she comes back in to fetch it, overhears Roy talking on the telephone: "No, I can manage tonight... as long as it's early... I'll probably only be able to have an hour..." (Oh no! Could it be his Mystery Woman?? What could Roy be plotting?? ;))

Now, I know Hayley can walk pretty fast but this is going over the top, since precisely 2 seconds after overhearing Roy on the 'phone in the Cafe, she then suddenly appears at the bar of the Rovers, where Janice and Linda are having a drink! There you have it folks, undeniable proof that Hayley *IS* Superwoman, faster than a speeding bullet! She is very disheartened, however, and explains that she's sure Roy was talking to 'another woman' and that he planned to meet her tonight. Janice and Linda are sympathetic to her plight and suggest that they follow poor Roy later that night to see where he's going and who's he's seeing! Lady H is reluctant but eventually agrees to go spying on her boyfriend...

Sickly Webster, outside, unloads boxes of knickers from her van as Kevin pulls up his car across the road, the gurrls in tow. Unfortunately, upon seeing Sickly and, mistaking her for Derek Jacoby, little Sophie runs across the road shouting "Cadfael! Cadfael!" with no regard whatsoever for her personal safety. Yep, you guessed it, who should come speeding around the bend but Ian, Sharon's Fiance? Luckily he slams on the brakes of the car just before hitting the poor tyke, who doesn't seem bothered in the slightest and continues to grin and make puppy eyes. Sickly and Kevin, however, are extremly bothered and the predictable row ensues as they both try to blame the other for not keeping a close eye on little Surphie. Ian, meanwhile, blames the both of them for almost damaging his precious car. As volume levels increase, I slowly drift off into a coma, bored out of my skull by this dreadfully acted and rather pointless scene.

Hayley, Janice and Linda stomp into the cafe, whilst Roy is mopping the floors and stacking the chairs. They stand before him looking mightily intimidating as Lady H asks once more if he wants to come to the Flying Horse with her tonight. "No, I think I'll have a quiet evening in, I might catch the early evening news", he says, smiling, then bids her adieu and wishes her a good night... As soon as he's out of earshot, Linda gives Hayley her expert opinion that Roy is most definately *NOT* planning on watching any kind of "early evening news" and is likely to be seeing another woman tonight. Thus, the plan is formed that they wait outside for him to leave, then follow him as far as they can.

Next scene: More vicious shouting and screaming is exchanged between the Two Websters over at Kev's house.

So we move on swiftly (since you can search Dejanews and find all the dialogue from the Kevin/Sally scene in previous updates) to the Kabin, where Sharon and Ian are discussing his brush with danger. He's still ranting that those Wacky Websters shouldn't have let Sophie run out into the Street, etc, etc, so mercifully Sharon interrupts, changes the subject and puts forward to him her plans for a proper church wedding. He seems reluctant about it to say the least ("That'll cost a lot" is his initial reaction!) but, eventually, comes round to a seriously half- hearted "To be honest, I'm not bothered either way... If the groom shows up on the day, what more could a girl want?" - She laughs and offers to take him to the Rovers but, naturally, since he is currently forming a cosy little relationship with it's landlady (!), he gets incredibly cagey and this point and tells her that he just wants to go home. Sharon is disappointed and confused, but accepts what he says anyway, thinking he's still shaken from the Surphie Incident...

A chase now ensues, with Roy walking swiftly down a darkened Street being pursued by Linda, Janice and Hayley. The latter two have the hoods on their coats pulled up all the way for maximum cover! Linda tells them both to hurry up or else they'll lose him, but the closer they get, the more terrified Lady H becomes of what she's about to see...

So we cut (*yawn* - This episode is really dragging on) to the Rovers, where, to sum things up in a nutshell, Audrey confides in Fred about Martin's request re Social Services. He apparently knows the owner of the Old Folk's Home, as they are both Square Dealers, and advises "extreme circumspection". "They're a minefield are Old People's Homes, I say, a minefield", he warns, before suggesting that she thinks a bit harder about matters before calling Social Services... Just then Toyah comes in (much to Natalie's distress) and requests money off of Les for fish n chips, since Janice has mysteriously not come home yet to cook dinner. He (VERY) reluctantly hands her two quid and wonders where his lady wife could be at such an hour...

His questions are answered in the final scene, where Janice, Hayley and Linda crouch behind a car that's parked in front of a large detached house... Who should be ringing the doorbell? Why, it's Sir Royston! And who should answer the door? A none-too-unattractive young lady in what looks like a lycra bodysuit!!! Oh my God, things are NOT looking good! "The swine!" bellows Linda, "Whaddya wanna do now, cos, you know we can go in there and drag 'im out!!"... Hayley is not up for that, however. In fact, she's not up for much at all and with a look of utter despair and hopelessness in her eyes murmurs "I just wanna go home", before walking off into the gloomy night... Cue credits!

This episode was written by John Stevenson, who I suppose did a fairly good job considering. There was admittedly some sharp dialogue. On the downside, tho, we had some really abysmal stories starting to evolve. I guess I'm particularly disappointed with Martin and Gail, two of my favourite characters, getting dragged into the dross with the increasingly poor Nursing Home story. Also, this nonsense between Kevin and Sally *MUST END* soon. I thought that it was mellowing when the wonderful Alison came onto the scene but now it seems have slunk right back into the "Let's have a row every other scene" terror-tory (sic) it had been stuck in for well over a year... Sharon's fiance is boring and transparent too, but that's beside the point.

So what GOOD did we have? Well, I know I've drastically underplayed some of the better stuff in this episode, but there was some present. Georgia Taylor as Toyah was brilliant (obviously) and it's wonderful to see her back. More Toyah please! David Neilson, Julie Hesmondhalgh, Vicky Entwistle and even, bite my tongue, Jacqueline Pirie (aka Linda) put in good performances and, despite the slight obviousness of the storyline, it's believable and well-done, considering the relative naivity of Roy and Hayley when it comes to relationships. The highlight of this was the final scene and the look of sheer horror on Hayley's face as she sees Roy enter the house of a woman she suspects he is seeing on the side. Quite harrowing considering the way the story had been played entirely for laughs up until that point.

However, the prize this week goes to Elizabeth Bradley for her heart- rending portrayal of Maud Grimes' last ever day of work. Complimented beautifully by John Savident's comically O.T.T. Fred Elliot, Ms Bradley gave a stunning, underplayed performance that I have to admit raised a lump in my throat. It's nice to see Maud given lines to work with other than the odd dry one-liner since we don't see this nearly enough and Elizabeth Bradley is MORE than capable of handling them.

Anyway, that's me done for this week. I'm sorry about the slightly humourless tone but there wasn't much to laugh about and, overall, this episode was quite dreary. I'm sure next week's will improve tho. :)

'Til next time! :)

The Rattler

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Wednesday 10 February

Bless my ears and whiskers, said the White Rabbit. I'm late, I'm late. And not only have I been overtaken by Tinky's update from last Friday, but also Annie's sprightly little Sunday commentary (and very good it was too Annie). If I'm not careful I'm in danger of being overtaken by Chris the Rattler's Monday update and that hasn't even been shown yet - the rate that lad knocks them off astounds me and he's on the ball with them too! However, work and other (more pleasurable) things are pressing lately, my next week is more-or-less booked solid and regulars will be pleased to hear that the update for this coming Wednesday will be guested by none other than your old favourite, CP! So, a break from my reams of turgid prose!

Thinking of the White Rabbit has made me dig out an old Jefferson Airplane album to listen once more to that classic 60s track. "One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small" Whoops, a bit too close to home, that (go ask Hayley, when she was just small!), better draw a veil over it! Anyway, I wonder if it's on the jukebox at Roy's Rolls - it certainly was on the jukebox at the Blue Lamp bar last time I was in Aberdeen, alongside lots of lovely scratchy old R&B discs. It was quite the best jukebox selection I've ever seen.

Anyway,

The jukebox isn't playing at Roy's Rolls as we open the episode, at least not yet, because Roy is only just setting up the caff for the day's trade. As he lays out menus and little pots of primroses, Hayley comes up behind him with her now ever-present Christmas scarf wrapped round her and a hurt look on her face. Roy looks at her anxiously. "What's the matter?" he asks. Hasn't he, wonders Hayley with more than a hint of bitterness in her voice, got something to say to her? Because he can say anything at all. Roy hasn't, he just stands there looking baffled. Well, perhaps he could tell her about the new floor covering for the new premises? No, that's not what Hayley wants to know about. She wants to know if he has anything to say about "us".

Gail appears and senses the frosty atmosphere. "I'm just off!" says Hayley, curtly, and leaves. A worried Gail asks if everything is all right. "It's the tenth, isn't it?" asks Roy, looking at his watch. He's worried he might have missed an anniversary or something.

Outside, Sharon and Sally are stepping out in to a real Lancashire morning, grey and drizzly with wetness shining on the cobbles. Sharon notices the corner shop is under new management and wonders who the new management are. Sally neither knows nor cares, all she's interested in is Mr Fairhurst, and she gushes on about how he's going to come to see her and the house. Sharon remarks that he wouldn't want to see her around, and Sally agrees, he won't like it if he finds she's got a lodger. So Sharon agrees to stay out of the way and "I shan't come home until you put a banner up saying 'It's OK, he's gone".

They go their separate ways, and at this point the camera treats us to a little bit of street ballet. Sally scurries round to the drivers side of her red van, wherever that came from (I must have missed something). As she gets in we see Martin crossing the street, the camera follows him half way across and then lingers on Kevin and Alison, emerging into the wet as Alison wonders whether they can go out later, and Kevin looks distracted. Alison asks whether she should stay away as he's got this man coming round to check on him. Kevin retorts that he's coming to inspect the kids, not his private life.

The camera follows the pair across the street and behind Sally's van, which then pulls away revealing Hayley, walking disconsolately towards Underworld. Janice and Linda run up behind her calling her. "'Ave yer 'ad it owt with 'im?" asks Janice. "Who is she?" asks Linda. But Hayley tells them she hasn't asked him, she thought she'd give him a chance to tell her himself. "Oh Hayley!" exclaims Janice.

Sharon comes into the Kabin. "Under new management?" she enquires of Rita, who explains that she did know about it - but the man to ask has just come through the door.

"TELL HER WHAT?" booms Fred, showing a broad grinful of gleaming teeth. "HELLO LITTLE SHARON!" he greets her.

"Hello Big Fred" mumbles Sharon, not impressed.

Rita explains that Sharon wants to know why the corner shop has a sign saying "Under new management". "I AM NO LONGER THE PROPRIETOR", he enunciates carefully. "SOMEONE ELSE 'AS TAKEN OVER". In fact, he'd just come over to ask Audrey if she'd like to wander over to see how they were getting on. Not now though, she's things to do, but later. Fred starts to go. "BYE LITTLE SHARON!" he says.

"Bye Big Fred" replies Sharon, no more impressed than before.

Rita asks if the new owners are who he thought they'd be. "DESAI, YES. RAVI DESAI, HE COMES FROM DISTANT CLIMES". As far away as Rochdale, I'll warrant! Only it's not so much him, he confides, as his daughter that's running the show.

As indeed she is, to her father Ravi's annoyance. Nita is laying on hot coffee and free wine to mark the change of regime in the corner shop, and it's not to Dad's liking. Well, what does Dad know, he's been working behind a counter since he was eight and had his first shop at nineteen - but then Nita's been to college and done Business Studies. "Dad, you promised you'd keep out!" So why all this? Why "Under New Management"? Does she want to put people off? People don't like change.

Emily isn't too fussed by the change however, she's come in to do her shopping and tentatively accepts Nita's offer of wine - after she's done the shopping that is. "Business As Usual" smirks Ravi. "You know best!" he remarks. "There's one thing I don't know" says Nita. "Where's that idiot brother of mine, he was supposed to have been here an hour ago". The Idiot Brother seems to have a reputation for being somewhere else than where he's supposed to be. "Like he was supposed to be at University," says Ravi, ruefully. "Like he was supposed to be at that private college I sent him too". A customer comes in. "Business As Usual" says Ravi, brightly. Nita would really like to sack her brother, but as her father explains, she can't because he's her brother and he knows it. Another customer comes in. "Business As Usual".

The Idiot Brother, as it happens, is to be found in the salon looking for a haircut. It happens that Audrey is free, but I don't think Audrey is who he had in mind. "Hi!" says Maxine, with a big daft grin. Be careful, Maxine, you're not paying attention to your customer's perm! "Yeah, of course I can!" she beams, breathily. "No she can't!" corrects Audrey sternly. "She's fully booked". Vikram asks Audrey with a cheeky grin why she can't attend to Maxine's client.

At this moment Martin comes in to cause a distraction. He's not after a haircut, he's on his way to