I'm having trouble making this week's update sound interesting, because, well, the show wasn't very interesting itself. Come on scriptwriters, let's have more of the old action; Ken and Mike fighting in the Rovers; let's see Bet Gilroy come riding back into town on a leopard skin handbag dragging Charlie by the ears, and Rita and Mavis being as sarcastic too each other as a couple of senile old maids who have put vinegar on their cornflakes. Let's have some more action, some more umph! some more Roy Cropper!
Anyway, glad to have that off my chest, I can now tell you that I won't be writing the updates for the next 4 weeks. I'm going off on my holidays to the USA this coming weekend and the updates will be taken care of by fellow Street fan, Nigel Worsfold. You can find out more about Nigel from his web page. Nigel has kindly offered to write up and send the updates each week while I'm on holiday, and I'm sure he'll be kept busy as the Street goes 4 nights weekly at the end of November and there's also a double episode this month too. The updates will be distributed by Graham Allsopp (who runs the Coronation Street Who's Who page at and I'm grateful to Graham for his help also. My holiday to the USA will be a special one for me as I'm meeting up with my email pal Pauline in San Diego (hello Pauline!). Pauline is the person whom I first started writing the weekly updates for over 2 years ago, when I used to write up and send a couple of paragraphs each week to her. And now, on with the show....
At last! At long, long last, Maureen and Bill finally got it together and the nation breathed a sigh of relief. It's Bill's birthday and he arranges to go out for dinner with Maureen but at the appointed hour, she cries off as Maud isn't feeling too well. They take a rain check to meet up later in the week and sure enough, Maud is doing just fine and Maureen goes back to Bill's flat for "coffee". They had hoped to nip into the flat without anyone seeing them, but Roy Cropper is just leaving to do his late night shopping and Deirdre is just arriving home after a night in the Rovers, so no doubt, their affair will be hot news on the street any time now.
Someone else who is hot gossip at the moment is Ken Barlow. After tales of his exploits with the headmistress gather momentum around the Street, word gets back to Mrs Jeffers from Fred Eliot who tells her what he's heard on the grapevine. She is aghast and assumes that Ken has been telling everyone what happened, but Ken hasn't said a word. It's down to Mavis and Derek once more, they were the ones who spilled the beans but they both come over all innocent like (you know, the way they do).
Poor Alf. He goes to the doctor to ask for a medical certificate which states that he is fit enough to drive at 70 years of age. The doctor examines him but when Alf leaves, he reverses his car into the doctor's car, causing some damage. Trying to prove that he's not the oldest swinger in town (yet) Alf signs up for a sponsored walk at Ken's school fete (and this is the first time I've ever seen an indoor sponsored walk!) However, Alf twists his ankle and calls for a doctor, and who should turn up but the doctor whose car Alf wrecked. Unsurprisingly, the doc tells Alf he won't be giving him a certificate of health for driving purposes. As if that wasn't bad enough, Alf then has to suffer at Audrey's hands while he recounts his experience to her after she gets back from swanning around the health farm with Alma.
Now that Liz is a free woman, she starts chatting up slimeball Sean Skinner in the Rovers and buys him a drink. Something else strange happened in the Rovers - Deidre tells Ken she's received a phone call from Tracey, who sounded happy. Yes, I know, that's strange in itself, but apparently Tracy has some news for them both.
Curly and Raquel have dinner with the Firmans, and Andy and Ann are also invited. Raquel is the model of decorum, she knows which knife and fork to use this time and even gets on well with Mrs. Firman. A friend of Raquel's from her aromatherapy course arrives to stay with Raquel for a few days, she's in town for a job interview. On the day she arrives, Raquel is released from her job at the hotel beauty parlour as budget cuts have to be made, but instead of being upset about it, her friend Lorraine gets Raquel tiddly on white wine in the Rovers and convinces her to go along to the job interview with her as one of the aromatherpay teachers is on the interview panel and they should both stand a good chance of securing jobs.
Ashley asks Don if it's OK with him for Kelly to stay overnight occasionally. Don says he doesn't mind but tells Ashley to be discreet as the walls aren't very thick and noise carries through them quite well. Not that it matters, because Kelly turns down Ashley's invitation to stay over anyway!
Claire's mother in law calls round to see the new flat and tells Claire she's not happy about the arrangements, in fact, she's expressing Claire's feelings herself. In the end, Claire decides she's going to stay with Des in his house. and give up the pension and Des can either like it or lump it. I think he smiled at this point so it could mean he was happy with the arrangement, or he could just have had wind. Now, if it were me, I would rather have 16 grand a year than live with a miserable Geordie booky who lives on pizza and beer, but there you go, there's no accounting for taste.
I'll see you in December!
It falls to me to slip into Glenda's shoes while she's away for the whole of November, and to take her place writing the weekly update.
I can only sincerely apologise to those of you who are (quite understandably) fed up with me already!
Things are moving along well with Maureen and Bill. She has a spring in her step and she's looking younger, happier and generally bouncier. If she had a tail it would be wagging. Their long-awaited bedroom scene consists of suggested/latent lust, rather than the 'full Monty'.
Jim and Bill's van expires in a cloud of carbon, and for a time things look very bad for them getting to the big building job they've just landed. Then Jim hits upon the master plan to get them out of trouble. He stops the £1000 cheque that he's given to Liz. When he tells her what he's done (he's a braver man than I) she goes ballistic, but, little by little, the old Irish charm chips away at her resisitance, and she agrees for him to pay her back in regular instalments, which I thought was damned decent of her.
Our Tracy returns in a veritable cloud of carpet fluff and youthful high expectation. She's been making love to a carpet fitter (one assumes) and she's adequately taken with him after six month's acquaintence, that she announces to her astonished mum that they are to wed. Both Deidre and Ken slowly warm to the idea. Ken provides a modest amount of cash for her to go and buy a dress, which she does. She blows 12 quid in a charity shop on the nuptual garment, and spends the rest on a pair of Doc Marten boots. Ken is horrified to hear of this unsuitable wedding footwear. "What...not BOVVER BOOTS" he splutters. I hadn't heard that term for 20 years! It seems Percy's contribution to the happy occasion is to create a cake, including ingredients which are symbolically linked to fertility.
Anyway, the young buck preparing to whisk our Tracy into a make-believe world of gripperods and deep pile shag is called Robbie, and his parents come to meet Ken and Deidre. They are Shirley and Maurice, and they are quite happy to verbalise their disapproval of the forthcoming match at every opportunity. Clearly Maurice bought the wrong size tie at Marks and Spencers because it only comes half way down his chest. Always a sign of a shifty so-and-so in my book! There is some suggestion that their beloved little Robert might be on the rebound from his long standing love, called Jan.
On the bright side, there is ample scope for more carpet jokes to follow, with the Wiltons living but a broadloom's length away. Keep your fingers crossed.
Alec and Fiona have a bit of a post mortem about her recent disastrous gig, and she decides not to chuck in the fame and fortune trail just yet. She acquires a new backing tape, and a pep talk from Rita, and this proves to be just the fillip she needs. Suddenly, the next time she sings, the audience stare fixedly at her, as though she is Barbra Streisand and Whitney Houston rolled into one, (which, sadly she is NOT). At the end of her Karaoke warblings they are quite ecstatic. Perhaps it sounded better if you were there....? One besotted male fan sidles up to her after her set and Fiona relishes the attention. But she accidentally snubs him and he slopes off with his tail between his legs.
Joyce seems short of cash, and bores Vera and, later, Alec with a story of her sick dog, and how it needs fortunes spent in it at the Vet's. They both fall for the tale (give her the benefit of the doubt, Nigel; it could be true) and stump up some cash. She tells Alec quite a different set of doggie symptoms to those she tells Vera, but it all amounts to the same, the pooch is on the blink! The extent of my veterinary knowledge is based entirely on the episode of All Creatures Great and Small when Trixi-Woo had a condition called FLOP-BOT, which turned out to be compacted anal glands, so I have grave doubts as to the truth of Joyce's shaggy dog story.
Sean invites Samantha to go to the dogs with him. It's been a canine sort of week when you think of it! At first she agrees but then she tells him to forget it, because Liz has told her he's a beast in the old sexual harassment department. Clearly Sam isn't looking for that sort of caper, so the night at the dogs is off!
But, of course, the Big Deal this week has been the build up to The Greatest Street Heartbreak of All Time. I refer to Raquel's imminent departure for foreign parts. Her mate called Lorriane arrives to stay with her and Curly for a few days. They go through all that soul- searching stuff about the possible conflict vis-a-vis career/kiddies and Curly registers his full support for Raquel. Both girls go for the interview, and Lorraine falls at the first fence, but would-you-believe- it, Raquel is offered the job. She takes her wedding ring off to throw the interviewers off the scent that she might be encumbered by ties or commitments in this country. She tells them a bare- faced lie on that score. She appears to be ruthless and selfish, but perhaps that's what they taught her in Maidenhead! We'll never know.
At the second interview, she impresses the interviewers beyond measure by quoting (almost in context) the title of an Edith Piaf classic song. Needles to say, they are bowled over at her bilingual abilities. She confirms smugly that she does indeed speak conversational French, but not good enough to converse with a real French person, of course. A great line.
We end this weekly snippet with her telling Curly that she has been offered the job in Kuala Lumpur. Poor old Curly doesn't realise that's not the end of the line. The end of the line is still a few days off, Curly, old son!
Once again I assume the mantle of Glenda Young, (what exactly IS a mantle?) as she continues her epic overseas voyages, and present the weekly UK update for the three episodes ending on the 18th November.
The long awaited heart-searing anguish with Curly and Raquel has held centre stage and attracted acres of press coverage, so I shall deal with that first. Entire rain forests have fallen victim to the ravenous monster which is newsprint for the sake of these two. Now there is a global environmental dimension to Raquel leaving, this had better be good, Street script writers!.....
The letter arrives telling her she has the job, and Curly does'nt see the full picture immediately. Bit by bit, with the news about her leaving off her wedding ring for the final interview, etc, he see the awful truth, and all that it entails.
He harks back to her distress before their wedding ceremony, and asks her what those tears were for, or rather WHO they were for. He was expecting her to say they were for Des, and what might have been with that reationship, but no! Now the tears are his. He goes to the pub to sulk. He wouldn't be the first to do that, and I've got 10 quid that says he won't be the last! He is shocked, stunned, dazed and confused.
When every aspect and implication of the new job is finally revealed to him, and he understands that she intends to go to Kuala Lumpur to work for Berkeley International, he tells her he doesn't want her back, and goes off to join Eric Firman at a sales conference in Wigan. He tells Eric the "full SP" as Des and Sean would say, and Eric advises him to dash home and tell her how much he loves her, and try to salvage the situation. Curly says he would rather not go back, because he knows he would only get down and beg her to stay. On Judy's advice, Raquel phones him in Wigan, but she deliberately hangs up before he has a chance to get to the phone. She admits to Judy that she should never have married him in the first place.
She leaves him a neat pile of freshly ironed shirts, which I thought was rather sporting of her, under the circumstances, on top of which she places her wedding ring. Surplus to reqirements in her new life. She puts some unwanted clothes in a rubbish bag and drops it off at Judy and Gary's. She tells Judy "Look after him for me" and with a forced smile, she leaves. So comes the final line of yet another actress who has been transformed into a much loved character in millions of homes, by the Greatest Soap of All. Through soggy Kleenex, we wish her luck and hope that for Ms Lancashire, unlike for some others, there is life after The Street.
Curly appears later at Anne an Andy's place. He is carrying fish and chips and a permanent grin induced by a night on the old sauce. He exudes half-baked philosopy for a while, contemplates his exposed navel, (look closely non-UK viewers,) and falls asleep. Before he drifts off, he says he was happiest when he was on the bins with Eddie Yates. Wise words, Curly old son!
Between Liz and Sean, hostility slowly turns to lust over a conciliatory whisky in the back room of the betting shop, after hours. Surely it is only a matter of time before Ms Callard is mugged for her hair, late at night, by a desperate gang of masked Peruvian barnet-bandits, who will ship it home, where that one consignment will keep the entire country's paintbrush industry satisfied for a year! Anyway, Sean falls under the spell of her follicles, and snogs her unmercifully. They are, from that chilling moment, an item. God help him.
Judy and Gary are becoming increasingly anxious that their unending couplings have not had the fruitful result they were hoping for. They are talking about consulting a doctor. Most of this discussion takes place while Gary is tucking into a plate of bangers and mash. In a wonderful visual joke, which I pray was deliberate, Judy exits, and leaves Gary contemplating his sausage!
Joyce coaxes cash from both Alec and Vera on the pretence that her dog is poorly, and she can't afford the vet's bills. They both cough up the money to stop her providing the fine details of Scamper's canine ailments. I think I would have done the same.
The other big deal this week has been the wedding of Tracy, (thankfully with no trace of any "E") to the young carpet fitter, Robbie. The wedding is very nearly called off when we learn that Robbie and the best man have benn hermetically sealed inside a container as a routine part of the stag night festivities, and probably shipped off to Saudi Arabia. A manic search of docks and other likelt places ensues, with Deidre's neck sinews looking fit to bust! But Tracy's calm confidence is rewarded when he appears in time for the register office ceremony. Deidre has to lend her daughter her own wedding ring for the occasion because the best man still has not appeared. Everything goes off well, and Ken makes a lengthy and moralistic speech in the pub, as only Ken can.
But in his audience, there is one who is hanging on every wise word. Yes, Deidre is looking lovingly at him all the while, her neck at peace by now. They wave the happy couple off outside the pub, and we are teased by the sight of Ken putting one arm around Deidre, as they return to finish off the champers.
The only other noteworthy plotline has been that Fiona is starting to "moonlight" with a bluesy band, unknown to Alec. She returns to the salon, where she learns from Maxine that her Number One Fan from the club gig the other night has been there looking for her. Fiona is pleased and intrigued to hear this, but also very excited about singing with the band. She is particularly impressed at the fact that they play real instruments!
Fred has been officially invited to the stables to visit Betty's Hotshot, so he in turn invites Rita to join him, which she accepts. He tells her it will be an opportunity to "rub shoulders with the nobs." What girl could possibly refuse? Jack is miffed because he received no official invitation, so he and Gary plan to go under their own steam, so to speak.
That's about it.
Good night, and I love you all.
"NIGEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING"
In Glenda's absence, I present my third weekly update.
According to her last Email before she left, she'll be in San Francisco tonight. Last week she was in Hawaii, the week before it was Los Angeles. I got quite the wrong end of the stick when I volunteered to stand in for her, thinking that update writing and exotic globetrotting were inextricably linked. No luck so far, I'm afraid.
On the plus side, it has been my pleasure to preside over Street history, as we went to four episodes a week, which includes the potential overdose scenario of three episodes in the space of four days!
Hey "Boyz n'the Rovers" this is the word on the Street...know-what-I'm- sayin?
Having disappeared in the night while he was staying at Anne and Andy's house, Curly is next seen at home, where Judy comes to call on him, thoughtfully bringing a pint of milk with her. He asks her to let his bad news percolate around the community, to prevent him having to tell everyone in turn. Eventually, having tried and failed to tell Vera and Betty, Judy announces it to everyone present in the pub. Jack goes on an errand of mercy to visit Curly when the secret is out, but he doesn't disturb him, as he's on the phone to his mum, telling her about the split.
There is a lump in the nation's throat as we see Curly remove Raquel's outgoing message from the answerphone, replacing it with a new message, dripping with pathos. Then comes the most touching moment so far as he inhales her perfume from the dressing gown she left hanging on the bedroom door. Then he weeps into it on the pillow. Shares in Kleenex rocketed on reports of increased sales. The next day in the pub he looks far more normal, as everyone tries to cheer him up. Later Maureen calls round to offer comfort. They share some wine until Bill comes to collect her, leaving him alone once more.
Jack is very miffed about not receiving the same official invitation to the stables that Fred had. With Don, young Jamie and Gary, they go there under their own steam, in Don's taxi. Fred invites Rita to the stables jaunt, and she accepts. Little does she know at this stage, but it's Fred's intention to bring about a stable relationship! Fred is disgusted to see the 'lads' arrive in the taxi, and Jack is immediately attracted by something he sees. Another owner is having his picture taken, seated on his horse. Jack says this will make a nice Christmas card, so they dress him up in all the right riding gear, including ill- fitting X-certificate jodhpurs! Rita says he looks a pillock. Jamie loudly pops a crisp bag, which spooks the horse, and it bolts with Jack still on board. It's very plain to see that Jack is, in fact, probably safely in the cast's mobile location canteen by this time, and a stunt double is taking his place. I tried to think of the last time a stunt double might have been used in the Street, but it will take a better fan than me to say! Any ideas? Anyway, very soon it's four faults, and like something off The Rolling Stones Greatest Hits....yes...Jumping Jack Crash! He lands in an ungainly heap, whereupon he is transported to hospital.
It's discovered he has broken several bones and slipped a disc. He's not badly hurt; well enough to tell Vera to 'Bog off!' as she sits reading a magazine at his bedside. He's pleased to learn that his beloved pigeons are in the safe hands of Jamie.
While he's walking her home, Fred proposes marriage to Rita. He tells her not to reply immediately. She looks at him all dewey-eyed. Later Mavis ridicules the whole notion, but Rita tells her she intends to accept. Derek advises Fred not to rush Rita in any way; not to pressure her. Fred is very happy to accept Derek's counsel, and thanks him warmly for the advice. Derek hopes this will smooth his path into the Square Dealers if Fred owes him a favour. Fred goes to the shop to tell Rita to think a while longer about the offer. She ponders on.
In the Hourglass, Fiona warbles anew, having walked out on the gig she was meant to do earlier the same evening because the London agent, whom Alec had promised, was no-where to be seen. Alec is very angry at this, and gives her a right lecture! Liz is serving continuous drinks to a mystery man who is quite clearly very interested in her. As he leaves, he tucks an envelope, bearing her name, behind the bar where she will find it. She later opens it, to find a thousand pounds inside, and a note saying it's from a friend of her son. She later asks Andy, and so manages to narrow it down somewhat to Steve, he of the cartoon eyes and the red vest. Previously, Liz visits the rotten little recidivist in the slammer, and tells him about her developing liaison with Sean. Steve is not best pleased. One of Steve's chokey chums mistakes Liz as being Steve's sister. Perhaps this is because she looks so slim, young and generally super, and has groomed herself to within an inch of her life!
But the main storyline to launch the legendary Fourth Episode is the developing closeness of Ken and one of his ex-wives.
Deidre calls on him to show him the wedding pictures. A bottle of wine is opened. She offers him an enlargement. (Being a clean-living, decent sort of chap, I shall resist any obvious SMUT at this stage, but let it be known.....I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING!!) They chit chat about their woeful stab at the old matrimonial lark, and it all gets rather contemplative and wistful. Deidre leaves all of a sudden because she feels it's all getting a bit too comfortable, whatever that means.
The next evening, Ken calls on her, and she invites him in. Before you can say 'neck' one thing has led to another, and she's leading him by the hand to the bedroom. We are then treated to a monumental display of unbridled LUST. I covered up the parrot's cage. He can only stand so much. The two of them are horizontal, he's on top of her. God help him. God help HER!! His tongue has taken on a life of its own, and is probing wildly around her molars. Has Ken discovered another of those erroneous zones?? He's a boy, that old Ken. The effect on her neck could only be guessed at.
The phone rings, but they ignore it. They are swept away on an orgasmic tide of midlife whats-name! The caller, trying desperately to get through, is Kelly, because Denise and her paramour Brian have arrived to take Daniel away to a new life with his 'doting' mother. Denise looks determined to snatch the boy away, having shaken off all traces of inappropriate nicknames! When Ken and Deidre's ardour has finally cooled, he comes to the phone where Kelly tells him what's happening. They race back to Ken's, where he eventually allows her to take Daniel, having read a solicitor's letter telling him she has the law firmly on her side. Ken surely knew all along that he had no legal rights to the child of his mistress. Later he reluctantly tells Kelly her nannying services are no longer required. Ken goes to see his own solicitor, who tells him things look pretty bleak, but the case is 'pleadable'.
There were some very strong acting performances over these four episodes, but my personal Oscar goes to Kelly, as she demonstrated her distress at Daniel being taken.
That's all for tonight. I'm off to Bangalore, where I believe Raquel is appearing in Miss World. I intend to cover myself in Cadbury's chocolate as a protest.
Good night, and I love you all.
Nigel
