Here is my fourth and final weekly update, when I have been pretending to be Glenda Young. It has been a pleasure to 'keep the home fires burning' while she's been sunning herself in a string of exotic locations. Did she win the star prize on Catchphrase and I missed it, perhaps? Anyway, she's back on British soil, but not exactly raring to go where the weekly updates are concerned. You may be aware that she feels it's time for her to relax and enjoy the programme for a change, and pass the weekly update task onto someone else in the UK. If YOU fancy the task, mail her. She'd love to hear from you.
I'd really like to take this opportunity to thank her on behalf of Street fans the world over, for the great work she has done over the last two years.
She will be missed.
Vera learns that it was Jack's intention to make a joke at her expense, in the form of a Christmas card with his photo on it. His idea was some utterly hilarious line like: CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM JACK AND THE OLD NAG. The nag being the horse, of course. She plans revenge, and takes a camera to his hospital bed, where she gets Martin to take a picture of the two of them. The exact form of the revenge is yet to be revealed. Jack receives various visitors to his sick bed, but the one that pleases him most is when Jamie brings one of the pigeons in a cardboard box.
With half her staff on the sick list, Vera is having great trouble coping behind the bar. Alec offers his services, and Vera accepts, hoping that Jack won't hear of it. Of course he will!
Rita and Fred go for a convivial Sunday lunch at the Wiltons. The real purpose is for Derek to further his ambitions vis-a-vis the Square Dealers, rather than any matchmaking intentions. Rita is still undecided about accepting Fred's proposal. She seeks Emily's counsel in the pub, and then expresses her admiration for Jack and Vera as a couple. Is she talking about the same Jack and Vera that we know? Can't be. She's coming down with the 'flu, so maybe her judgement is clouded. Fred brings a veritable armful of gifts to the Kabin, for her to pamper herself with. Flowers, booze and food mostly. He decides against chocolates, as that would be like taking coals to Newcastle.
The great Wiltonian lunch starts off well enough with Fred delivering an extravagant toast to FRIENDSHIP, but within minutes, it descends into unseemly conduct and shouting when Derek learns from Fred that the vacant "crevice" in the Dealers has already been filled by young Timmy, son of the recently departed Tommy Hook. Derek is furious. He calls Fred a dishonest tub of lard and a womanising scoundrel. I'm not exactly sure how these things go, but I'd say that outburst might impede Derek's future Square Dealing aspirations. The foursome breaks down there and then with some hasty exits, and the hapless Mavis holding lashings of unwanted pudding. Thereafter, Fred keeps a low profile. Difficult, but there it is.
Des, Claire and Becky leave in his car, with the intention of looking at a canal cruiser. Money to burn, that man!
Alf gets back his driving licence, and he's delighted. While out collecting Audrey from a shopping foray, she lets slip the news about Fred and Rita's possible marriage. On hearing this, his driving skills desert him, and he immediately turns the wrong way up a one-way-street, where he hits a police car coming the other way. Andy later tells this tale to the assembled guzzlers, to much merriment.
Joyce is clearly having cash flow difficulties, and asks Vera for a sub. I thought this was an optimistic request, to say the least. Even if Vera was in a position to provide a submarine, does Joyce have an underworld connection who might be able to fence a sub? Unlikely, I'd say. Anyway, Vera refuses. It seems that Joyce might have also been using Betty's name to run up a further catalogue account. Judy confronts her. Joyce fibs.
Sean comes to The Hourglass and gives Liz a bag of jelly babies. He has got hold of the idea that it says a great deal about a person, how they eat their jelly baby. He can't wait to see if she bites the head off, or gobbles it whole. I have an innocent suspicion this scene is laden with sexual allegory, but his hopes are dashed when she decides not to gobble at all on this occasion! Is this the Liz we know and love? I think not. Perhaps she thinks all that refined sugar will adversely affect her hair.
I read in The Guardian during the week that the recent Russian space- shot failure was brought about because the rocket hit a strato-cloud of her hair, which had been originally donated, (on Comic Relief night) to poor Indonesian fishermen, with which to catch tuna. The hair has escaped, and was making its way out of the earth's atmosphere to a better life elsewhere in the Galaxy....maybe to Mars.....maybe Planet Cadbury...who can say?
Liz is still baffled about the source of the mysterious money and some flowers which arrive for her at The Hourglass. At his request, she goes to visit The Bibman of Alcatraz, who tells her that the prison's Mister Big, (the numero uno lag) has talent-spotted her, and plans to press his suit. Perhaps he'll make her an offer she can't refuse? Maybe one of these mornings, she'll wake up next to a horse's head? The mind boggles. The admirer turns out to be someone called Fraser Henderson, who sounds like a company of advertising executives or accountants. Anyway, I never trust anyone who has a surname as their christian name. Little wonder he's come to no good in life.
Fiona reneges on another sensual warbling session because her new man Alan offers to whisk her away for what amounts to a mucky weekend. Alec is furious and threatens to sue her, until Al has a quiet word with him, and such litigious threats are promptly withdrawn.
She has her 21st birthday party at The Hourglass. It is there we are treated to a glimpse of the disco dancing prowess of Curly. For one so recently bereaved, he seems to have made a miraculous recovery, and is doing an extravagant series of gyrations, designed to part his head from his body in the shortest possible time. He is so happy because his partner is the newly returned ANGIE! Yes, she creeps up on him unexpectedly while he is cleaning his car, and puts on a comic Irish accent. By a fairy-tale coincidence, she is now working for KBEC, and she's here to show the latest designs to Baldwin. (Hope his fire insurance is up to date!) Angie is mortified to learn from Baldwin that Raquel was Curly's wife until very recently, as she had said a few choice things against the departed supermodel. She apologises to Curly, who takes it in his stride.
Kelly leaves Ken's house, not being required any more. He gives her a small gift, as a parting token. He also gives her a small kiss. On this occasion, his nipples are no where to be seen. There IS a god!! When Ken returns from a weekend trip to Scotland to see Daniel, Kelly demands to know the conditions the lad is being kept in. She gets somewhat aggressive about Denise's choice of washing powder, and conditioners. Ken can't offer any information on such domestic details, so her anxiety is unquenched.
That concludes the weekly update for the week ended 2.12.96.
Once again, my grateful thanks to Glenda for letting me hold the fort.
Good night and I love you all!
Nigel
As you may have read, after 2 years of incredibly hard work, Glenda has decided to call it a day with her weekly updates. Fortunately Gary Ushaw has stepped into the breech with his Parallel Universe Updates. They are a little different to Glenda's, but make excellent reading. And before anyone [else] complains about Gary's style, try writing a few updates for yourself and see how hard it really is ! - Graham
Gary explains their origin:
The quantum multiverse is an infinitely diverse phenomenon. I
could show you mountains that sing, forests that snore and solar
systems made entirely from cream cheese. In some universes there
is nothing but darkness, in others multitudinous life, and in
a few special universes there's a soap opera called Coronation
Street. Parallel 23-23 is one such universe and this week went
something like this. Do not adjust your set.
THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
The international espionage community was in uproar this week as Special Agent Elliot's proposal to exiled Russian heiress Rita Romanov was reported to every government secret service agency in the world (except Canada's who are always a few weeks behind with these things). The ramifications of such an alliance could be both far-reaching and distinctly unstable, creating a possible shift in power within the twilight world of international cloak-and-daggery.
Matters came to a head at a dinner party thrown by Weatherfield's answer to Tom and Barbara Goode, the Wiltons. Everyone's favourite self-sufficiency obsessives served up a tantalising smorgasbord of home-grown produce and home-spun wisdom. Unfortunately, as well as the pork a la rosehip (which included slices of the pig that Mavis had herself slaughtered that very morning), the menu involved far too many lentil-based dishes. Fred, never one to say no, wolfed down the lot followed by a wafer-thin mint, and it was only a matter of time before all those boiled pulses took effect. Clutching her handkerchief to her nose, Rita fled from the house having had her eyes (and nostrils) opened to a distinct problem with setting up home with such a bon viveur as Fred. Mavis and Derek could only look on aghast, and somewhat perplexed, since their own digestive tracts have become used to the effects of a diet based on so many years of subsistence farming on their little corner of Weatherfield.
Fred, for his part, spent the rest of the week ruminating (no mean feat for such a hearty meat-eater), and eventually decided to call the near-engagement off. His reasoning? Simple: as anyone who is a regular viewer of this or any other spy series will know, as soon as the main character falls in love with a member of the opposite sex, or even goes so far as to tie the knot, the loved one will, inevitably, be killed off before the end of the episode. Ask James Bond, ask Danger Man, hell, even ask Captain Kirk: it's simply the way of things. Elliot, compassionate to the end, couldn't wish such an unwarranted end on his Russian beauty and brought the whole affair to an end. The tear in his eye told us that he will always carry a piece of her with him, and that he'll never feel the same way about another woman. Not until the next episode, anyway.
CRY FREEMAN
A troublesome week for tin-pot dictator His Excellency Michael Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!!). International aid worker and general sticky-beak Angie Freeman arrived in his Banana Republic with the cover story of having been sent to inspect his pantaloons (the ones manufactured in his sweat-shops, that is). Bolshie Angie quickly started causing trouble and banging on about the International Bill of Rights, and the necessity of a creche in the modern workplace. Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!!) is even employing pregnant women and fat pensioners, and, if Angie has her way, it can't be very long before all of his workers are revolting.
Big-hearted Angie also had a more personal mission to take care of: the Herculean task of cheering up Curly Gump. Unfortunately, since the only thing that would bring a smile to the idiot savant's face was if she were to lie back and think of England (or some other oppressed nation) whilst he had his wicked way with her, she was singularly unsuccessful in her attempts.
Angie's arrival also caused Joyce "Deadly" Smedley to shit her pants (metaphorically speaking, of course): could this Angie Freeman be a spy for Freeman's catalogue? Is she here to trace the money Joyce has been spiriting away to spend on household cleaning products to feed her habit? Probably not, but it didn't stop Joyce from running round to her daughter's house in a panic. "I've come to clean out your bathroom", she said. I bet she has.
GLAD TO BE GAY
Butch Kev and Sally the Tranny faced problems this week after the walk-out of their plasticene baby-sitter Kelly Moffat. Everyone's favourite gay couple bitched incessantly over who should look after the children, and whether Butch Kev should grow back his clone-style 'tache. "If you must keep shaving your upper lip, then for God's sake use a different razor to the one I use to shave my legs" said Sally the Tranny. The root of the problem, however, is that Butch Kev wants his transvestite boyfriend to stay at home like a good little housewife, whereas Sally the Tranny wants a career of his own and the chance to experience the fetishistic world of power-dressing. Whatever next?
FRIENDS
Another cosy week of insubstantial but amusing storylines for our twenty-something cast members. It was Phee's 21st birthday and her brother gave her a hairdressing salon (could happen), while her boyfriend talked "Smart" Alec Gilroy out of suing her for every penny she's got. All's well that ends well, then. On a less encouraging note, there was clearly another member of the Borg Collective at her birthday party, judging from the weird nodules on the back of somebody's bonce. They're taking over, I tell you, and nobody's doing a thing about it.
Meanwhile wild-child Maxine and nice-but-dim Tony are having relationship problems, but you don't watch Friends for the serious bits, do you? Do you?
THE HAIR BEAR BUNCH
Scary Hair Bear is obviously thriving on all that succulent man-blood she's draining from the local prison, and looking younger every day for it. She even got away with being "best friend" at Phee's 21st birthday party (which involved a nasty moment when the vampire hair-do tangled with the Borg technology sprouting from Phee's scalp, but neither side felt strong enough to risk an all-out confrontation just yet). Drear, on the other hand, was less lucky in the passing-herself-off-as-her-daughter's-age stakes. If you wondered what all those bruises on her were, they were caused by people touching her with barge-poles.
In a frankly bizarre twist, Scary Hair Bear's zombified servant (the one banged up in chokey) has become sexually obsessed with his vampiric mistress. Unable to appease his appetite first-hand he is having to resort to seeking relief from her jailed son. No wonder Naughty Hair Bear's eyes were almost leaping out of their sockets.
This sexual fixation even extended to rampant jealousy of another of Scary Hair Bear's victims, lovely fifties throwback Sean Skinner. The nifty fifties bookie was stopped mid-piss by one of Mr Big's henchies and told to keep away from the scariest hair bear of them all, or else! Sean just skipped away shouting "You'll have to catch me first", safe in the knowledge that the rivulets of grease flowing from his hair make him almost impossible to grab hold of.
And this, as Mike Yarwood used to say, is me. This week I'd just like to thank the cave-painters of Neanderthal times for the joke about the workers being revolting. Cheers, lads. On another note, yes I did notice Angie comparing Canada to a parallel universe, but it didn't really wash, not even the laws of quantum physics could explain away something as weird as a country that would welcome Nick the Plank with open arms.
BASTA!
It was a politically turbulent week for His Excellency Senor Miguel Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!). A Mexican wave of disrespect and downright uppitiness swept through the ranks of his tin-pot dictatorship. Meddlesome Angie Freeman's undercover mission of last week has already had an effect, with the attempted military coup led by Sally the Tranny. Fortunately for Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!), instead of organising a bloodless revolt effected by the simultaneous uprising of Trash's legions of disenfranchised street urchins, and Ida's league of useless pensioners, Sally the Tranny spent all his time trying to decide on what to wear. Poor old Sal: although titillated at the prospect of tarting himself up in full military regalia, he didn't want to wear anything too macho for fear of upsetting Butch Kev's delicate sense of who should wear the trousers in their relationship. Ever the shrewd politician, Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!) took full advantage of this tactical error on the part of his usurping subordinate, and sent the palace guard in to arrest Sally the Tranny and, in all likelihood, string him up like a cheap automobile freshener. Sally escaped over the border of Baldwin's banana republic disguised as a frumpy washerwoman (although the indignity of having to dress in clothes without designer labels was almost too much for him) and returned to Weatherfield in time to make Butch Kev's tea.
Trash also went over the wall and has since insinuated herself into the house of mad Royal, Vera Duckworth. No doubt she'll continue to exert her control over the city's network of pick-pockets, street urchins and child actors from her new headquarters in the back room of the Rovers. Queen Vera, probably due to the congenital madness that she and the rest of the royal family suffer from, has happily opened her doors to Trash but she'd better keep a close eye on her crown jewels (mostly ear-rings, of course).
Sally the Tranny, after consulting Maud the levitating oracle, decided to return to Baldwin's dictatorship and an uneasy truce was bargained. What will he say when he sees that Ida has turned Baldwin's sweatshop into a brothel in his absence, though?
LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR
The friendly war of manners between next-door-neighbours the Wiltons and the Barnses hotted up to the accompaniment of much canned laughter, due to a hilarious misunderstanding over a pot plant. Loveable self-sufficiency obsessive Derek Wilton (played by official national treasure Richard Briers) presented his snobby neighbours Des and Claire with a pot plant for their new conservatory. Unfortunately, since he's nothing but an old hippy at heart, Derek was so stoned he accidentally gave his favourite cannabis plant to the unsuspecting Barnses. How we laughed when Des and Claire, in a blatant attempt at social climbing, gave a dinner party for Des' boss and the chairwoman of Claire's pony club. Mavis dropped by under the pretence of borrowing the Barnes' garden fork (since she had inadvertently buried her own in a pile of pig manure) and knocked over Claire's carefully prepared flaming samboukas while trying to surreptitiously take back the plant. Of course, the burning liqueurs spilt over the proudly displayed pot plant and set it on fire. Before long the fumes from the burning marijuana plant had affected the guests at the dinner party and they were all chasing an escaped pig around the Wiltons' organic vegetable plot whilst wearing yellow wellington boots.
WORLD PARTY
Idiot savant Curly Gump announced that he was about to embark on a trip around the world. No doubt this will involve lots of cleverly integrated footage of Curly shaking the hands of presidents, speaking at political rallies, winning international sporting competitions and appearing on Oprah Winfrey. Scheming Mafia boss Ann Capone saw this as a chance to muscle in on the lucrative frozen food trade in Weatherfield: it can only be a matter of time before Eric Ferman's body is fished out of the canal with a hundredweight of frozen kippers tied to each foot.
HERO OF THE BEACH
Roy Cropper (mild-mannered bread-frier by day, lycra-clad super-hero by night) almost gave away his secret identity this week as he inadvertently showed off his vast mental skills while standing at the Rovers bar. Fortunately for him, everyone present was so thick they believe that anyone with as little as a single 'O' level to their name would be capable of such feats, since they themselves couldn't muster so much as a CSE in Domestic Science between the lot of them. After narrowly averting this crisis, Cropper foiled an alien invasion, solved the riddle of the rhyming super-villain, and helped a small dog across the road before retiring to the Cropper-Cave for a nice cup of cocoa.
But unknown to him, scheming uber-villain Smart-Alec Gilroy was also in the pub and he later waylaid Cropper with a cleverly constructed plan to harness the super-hero's mental powers for his own dastardly ends. Cropper spotted the trap in the nick of time and POW! he punched Smart-Alec on the chin, SMASH! he threw him over a tall building, KERSPLONG! he hit him over the head with a car. But Smart-Alec evaded capture once more, and snuck off muttering "The world hasn't seen the last of me".
AAAARGH!!
Not only did Nurse Pratt appear this week, but so did his Touche Turtle lookalike wife. This senseless torture of innocent viewers must stop.
WHERE'S NORRIS?
The residents of the Street took part in that party game favourite, trying to guess where Norris Cole has got to this week. Billy Ten-Bellies thought Norris might be in Dublin keeping track of the European paper clip situation. Citizen Sugden suspected that he might have joined a Communist retreat. Gary said "I drink beer, me". Lovely fifties throwback Sean Skinner thought the light-footed Mr Cole might be "at the bop". Levitating Oracle Maud Grimes just smiled quietly to herself; she knows exactly where the cheeky little chap has got to, but she's telling nobody.
Parallel universe number 23-23 calling. It is imperative to the continued existence of the quantum multiverse that you read about this week's events on Coronation Street in our own wibbly-wobbly version of reality. Do not adjust your set.
THE HAIR BEAR BUNCH
The scariest hair bear of them all (that's Liz MacDonald; try and keep up, new readers) seems to have finally, and quite literally, bitten off more than she can chew. After her vampire hair-do sunk its tendrils into the juicy bits of a banged-up Mr Big, he has become unfeasibly besotted with the carniverously coiffeured one. Despite some early success at controlling this zombified blood-donor, Scary Hair Bear has lost her mental link with him and she is now having to fend off his less than subtle amorous advances. Unfortunately for her, he has also figured out that if she gets too close her blood-crazed bonce will suck him dry and cast the lifeless husk of his body aside like a used Christmas tree, so he's conducting his love affair from within the two-foot-thick walls of a high security prison. Kinky.
Scary Hair Bear, who is more used to chasing after men while drooling at the mouth, is in unknown territory actually having a man chasing her, and has consulted the rest of the Hair Bear clan for advice. Big Stupid Hair Bear was no use; "I'll tell you this, and I'll tell you no more," he said, "you threw me out of the Hair Bear Bunch, and I'm not coming back just because you need someone punching. Do you think I'm stupid?". Naughty Hair Bear was no help; evidently he's starting to enjoy the "special attention" being lavished upon him by Mr Big in prison. Completely Crap Hair Bear was no use either, but then he never is, and he has enough to worry about trying to keep his neurotic girlfriend Ann Capone happy. Poor old Liz can't even turn to her latest Mr Peevely, lovely fifties throwback Sean Skinner, as Mr Big's heavies have already given him the once-over in a scene strangely reminiscent of all those bank holiday seaside clashes between slicked-back Teddy Boys and Parka-clad Mods. Mods 1 Teddy Boys 0, in case you're wondering.
Scary Hair Bear's situation was not helped by the slightly confused jibes of uber-criminal SmartAlec Gilroy-- he displayed a surprisingly inexpert knowledge of classic horror film lore by asking whether she plugs her hair into the electricity supply of an evening. Not so smart now, SmartAlec! That's Frankenstein you're thinking of; obviously a barnet of the vampiric persuasion must be buried in the soil of the Old Country on a daily basis. Ann Capone also joined in the mutton-taunting by mocking Scary Hair Bear's dress-sense; she asked her shrivelled boyfriend Completely Crap Hair Bear whether he'd be happy to see her dressed like his mum at her age. Poor old wrinkly Andy was caught between a rock and a hard place: who is he more scared of, his Mafia boss girlfriend or his vampiric progenitor? He was too crap to decide and, if he's not careful, he's going to grow up to be Ken Barlow. A fate worse than death-by-having-all-your-blood-sucked-out-by-your-own-mother's-hair? Probably.
Spurred on by all this mockery, SHB went to Drear, of all people, to borrow some clothes that don't make her look like a tart. Drear even offered to lend her the sacred Drear-glasses, but the thought of looking at the world through a pair of lenses that make Ken Barlow seem attractive was too much even for our voracious man-eater. Clad in Drear's best "Oy, keep your hands off" outfit, SHB went to see Mr Big in chokie who, careful to avoid those blood-sucking tendrils, ensured that she stayed behind a Hannibal Lecter style glass screen. Inevitably man-hungry SHB quickly fell for Mr Big's charms (i.e. he's a bloke; that seems to be about the extent of her choosiness) and it seems as though she has found her new Mr Peevely.
NUN ON THE RUN
Renegade nun, Samantha Failsworth, continued her quest to sample life in all its debauched glory this week. However, after a few months of revelling in pub culture, fast motorbikes, lecherous bookies, and wondering whether she dare try wearing ear-rings as ridiculous as Queen Vera's, all this business of seeing how the dregs of society live seems to have gone to her once-wimpoled head. On looking over the house of idiot savant Curly Gump, she immediately assumed that he had chopped his inflatable wife into manageable chunks and buried her under the floorboards. Come on, Sister Samantha, just because crap soap operas like Eastenders are full of such nonsense doesn't mean it happens in a typical provincial town like Weatherfield, you know.
(And now, a big hand for your favourite and mine, the old nuns/drugs joke:)
SPEAKING OF HABITS
Household cleaning products junkie Joyce "Deadly" Smedley floated around the ceiling oblivious as her life fell to pieces around her. Having spent all her money on Ajax (to snort), Jif Micro-Liquid (to inject) and Brillo-pads (don't ask) she was thrown out of her house for non-payment of rent by somebody called Bernard (!). She has now moved in with her loveable daughter and son-in-law. "I drink beer, me" said Judy. "I like shagging, me" said Gary. Joyce is now feeding her habit by stealing money from the Rovers till and the Sun-Liners petty cash box (Old slapper, Drear, has had a grin on her face all week, as she's never been one to complain about someone slipping their hand into her box).
IN OTHER NEWS...
...Boy pin-up Ken Barlow faced evil daytime TV presenter Denise in a secret court-room battle over custody of their love-child... Neurotic girl outsider Ann Capone is very worried about her arrangements for Christmas. She has her wrinkled boyfriend running around in circles trying to get everything just right, and has threatened to make him eat the Christmas tree in a pancake if he gets anything wrong... Comrade Sugden has invited levitating oracle Maud Grimes for Christmas dinner, presumably to consult her about the future of the workers revolution in 1997... none of the Pratt family appeared this week. It was a good week... Snobbish Des Barnes was deeply embarrassed at the unexpected appearance of his eccentric father-in-law Digger Barnes, so-called due to his fixation with organic gardening, a hobby shared with Des' down-to-earth neighbours the Wiltons. In Digger's case, however, he seems to grow all of his organic vegetables on the sides of his face... Where's Norris Cole this week? Popular opinion was that he was implicated in some rather naughty vote-rigging in the House of Commons, related to pairing off. Apparently Norris, cheeky chappie that he is, thought pairing off involved choosing a dance partner, and tangoed around the House with Edwina Currie during that all-important fish vote... Plasticene girl Kelly Moffat set off for her new stop-motion life in Edinburgh, and got a free sample of what it's like in Scotland thanks to a drunken Glaswegian at Piccadilly bus station. No regional stereotyping at work there, then...
And now, as they used to say in DC Thompson comics, a Merry
Christmas to all our readers. I'm making no promises about when
the updates for the next couple of weeks will appear, if at all,
because over here in Parallel 23-23 we have a weird tradition
at this time of year of drinking until it hurts. And then doing
it all again. And again ("I like beer, me" said Gary).
