After two weeks of inexplicable disruption to the time-space continuum, communications with Parallel 23-23 have been re-established. Here's what's been happening on Coronation Street over there. Do not adjust your set.
BEEN AROUND THE WORLD (AYE AYE)
Before setting off on his abortive trip around the world, Curly Gump (in scenes strangely reminiscent of Jim Dale in assorted Carry On films) managed to accidentally shag half the womenfolk of Weatherfield. Maxine, Maureen, Emily (only joking), etc... It's a wonder that Liz MacDonald, the scariest hair bear of them all, didn't get in on the act: she doesn't usually miss a chance to leap into bed with someone who's young enough to be her... um... relative. Even Ann Capone kissed Curly on his camping equipment (it's the first time I've heard it called that).
Ann, who didn't get to be boss of the Weatherfield Mafia without knowing how to do that stony, emotionless thing with her face, is now embarrassed at this uncharacteristic lack of composure. The fact that Curly is currently staying at her house, for reasons far too ludicrous to go into here, has only fuelled her shame. What is wrong with this woman? First she shacks up with old wrinkly, and Ken-Barlow-in-training, Andy MacDonald, and now she reveals that she has been holding a torch for Curly Gump, of all people. The sooner she gets banged up for tax evasion, the better, I reckon.
Curly's decision to stay was doubly good news for fat freezer baron Eric Firman, however. Firstly, it throws a spanner into the refrigeration works for Ann Capone and her plans to take over the northwest frozen foods racket. She really would have put the Firm into Firman's. And secondly, he revealed that he may have had to replace Curly Gump with Reginald Iolanthe Holdsworth. If he'd done that then we'd all have noticed that Eric has been trying to do Reg impressions ever since Reg left, presumably in a futile attempt to extend his Street contract. His secret remains safe.
CARRY ON CABBIE
90s slacker Don "Butt-head" Brennan lost his driving license after being found drunk in charge of a vehicle. He blames Senor Miguel Baldwin who was visiting Weatherfield to attend a business lunch and give a talk about pushing dead alsation dogs through windows (honestly). "Call me a cab" shouted Baldwin, and the crowd roared back "You're a taxi!". Unfortunately this quip was too sophisticated for Butthead Brennan who turned up in his car, expecting a fare. Since there's usually only room in his brain for one thing at a time, he assumed that this thought of earning a hefty tip would replace the bottleful of Old Shagnasty's Number Two Spirit which was currently residing there. The police thought differently, and Senor Baldwin couldn't help but smirk as Butthead Brennan was dragged off for a bit of well-deserved police brutality. Give him one for me!
So now all Brennan has to do all day is slump in front of the TV next to his good friend and fellow Generation-X-er, Ashley "Beavis" Peacock (hurr hurr, he said "cock"). When last seen they were watching a compilation of Kylie Minogue videos while sniggering and arguing over whether or not they'd caught a glimpse of her knickers. They should be so lucky.
JOE 90
Suave super-spy Jack Duckworth went to visit Q division and was presented with a new-fangled pair of spectacles, with built-in laser-sighting, guided missiles and comedy eyebrow attachments. This time the various gadgets are invisibly molded into the plastic framework of the glasses, rather than just stuck on with sellotape and blu-tac like the last pair.
He also took pity on Butthead Brennan and bought his share of the race-horse. This horse is now split up into just four pieces, each of which is kept on life-support machines in different parts of the town. Just like the Pope.
IN OTHER NEWS...
...Ken Barlow is finding life post-Take-That increasingly troublesome as his old fans desert him for younger pin-ups who don't dye their hair. Fiona, Kelly and Denise's sister all kicked him in the bollocks this week when he made improper advances toward them. There's only desperate groupie Drear left on his shelf now, and who wants more of that sad old turkey at this time of year? Even Ken looked slightly queasy at the thought of giving her yet another stuffing... ...The New Year has already been ruined by far too many members of the chinless Pratt clan appearing on our screens... ...Nun on the run, Samantha Failsworth's latest attempt to experience life as it is lived on Eastenders is to flirt with renowned woman-beater Jim MacDonald... ...More trouble at t'mill for His Excellency Senor Miguel Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!). After an under-cover visit from civil rights worker Angie Freeman, the big guns of the international human rights community have turned up in the form of Steve "interesting" Reid. With his sexy Canadian accent and his thinning hair-line (that's right, girls: he's had a Barlow!), he'll soon get to the bottom of the political atrocities being committed in Baldwin's tin-pot dictatorship... ...Where's Norris? An all-too-brief appearance over Christmas showed him dancing down the street with a tipsy Fred Elliot, but where else has he been lately? My bet is that he spent the holiday period disguised as a fairy, observing the goings-on in the Wilton's typical Earth household, from his position on top of their Christmas tree...
And this is me. New year, new out-look, new danger. Same old nonsense from me in the Parallel Universe Updates though. Hope you had what doctors have come to know as "a good one".
Gary
