Dear Update Readers,
This will probably be much longer than what you're used to. (Don't worry - I shan't make a habit of recycling old chat-up lines!). You see, this is my very first time, and I have no idea what length is acceptable. It's also my only time: this is a never-to-be-repeated one-off, so I aim to give you your money's worth. But whatever the length, and however badly I perform, I must insist that your response be tempered with gentleness, courtesy and understanding. I am at a stage in my life where tears flow very easily, and after all it's just a telly programme. Thanking you all in advance.
But before I start, there's just one little issue I'd like to get off my chest. Yesterday I had a phone call from a very irate friend of mine - a lady of indeterminate years whom I shall call Eunice - who just happened to have read last week's update. Eunice was distraught. Through tears of exasperation she said:
"CP, darling, who *is* this Glenda Young and why is she saying these terrible things about you?"
"Such as, Eunice?" I said, putting down my half-nibbled saveloy.
"Oh, all manner of foul, libellous accusations," sobbed Eunice. "She appeared to be warning the update readers about you. She told them that they'd only be able to bear reading your effort if they were in an alcoholic stupor. She also warned them to lock up their sons, for some reason! And there was a really rum little piece about 'stiff ones' being the best. What on earth can she mean?"
Once Eunice had regained her composure, I explained to her that the 'Glenda Young' problem is one of the many crosses I bear with more than laudable magnanimity. The aforementioned Ms Young has been spreading malicious rumours about my good self for longer than either I or my solicitors care to remember. The latest gem has it that I am a thirty-something lecturer at Durham University who writes off-colour postings to RATUCS and sometimes hops 'on the other bus' just to see where it will take him. Whereas in reality I am a middle-aged, lower middle-class single mother with seven children. Furthermore, owing to chronic halitosis and advanced pubic alopecia, I am housebound and thus condemned to a life of wall-to-wall Draylon and daytime television. (I have certificates to prove it). Anyway, I told Eunice not to worry, and in the end she actually began to feel sorry for the Glenda Young person, who has never really been the same since she gave up Guinness and took to drinking Harpic in her lunch break. I can handle her, and with a heart as expansive as mine, there's plenty of room for forgiveness.
But now, down to business...
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 28
The episode opens with Jim McDonald and Gary Mallett - the latter still with some kind of dead marsupial glued to his head - as they make their way stealthily through the back door of the Rovers. It is early morning; there are snores emerging from the upper chambers; and from the look on the faces of our intrepid workmen, foul deeds are afoot.
At which point we shift several yards down the Street to the home of the man whom no-one could ever accuse of being boring. Here, Ken is taking early morning tea with Deirdre, and Deirdre is telling Ken that he is the only person she can rely on, that without him she is nothing, that if it weren't for him etc. etc. [I almost screamed, "You didn't think that when you were screwing Mike Baldwin back in 1983, did you?", but sympathy got the better of me]. Ken tries to look as accommodating as possible, but it is clear that he has serious doubts. He doesn't believe Deirdre's story completely, and later admits to Alma in the Rovers that he is beginning to lose faith in his ex-wife. Deirdre's continued existence in his house is causing a huge crisis of conscience. Methinks the 'tears and tendons' siren is sounding...
Back at the Rovers, Jack and Vera wake up to find that Jim and his 'mucker', Gary, have removed the stairs, leaving them marooned on the upper floor. They rush to the bedroom window just in time to see Jim and Gary packing away their tools, and Vera gives them a good tongue-lashing. This culminates in her barring them both from the Rovers for life - and not only them but also their families, their families' families, and anyone stupid enough to have anything to do with them! An innocent passer-by - in the form of Roy Cropper - receives the last splash of Vera's vitriol: "Loony!", she screeches at the poor bewildered man, and then closes the window.
At Firman's, the gormless but good-natured Hayley Patterson approaches Alma and gives her a present: a token of appreciation for Alma's support re: the spat with Curly. The present is an awfully kitsch model cottage. [She obviously got the idea from Kevin Webster]. Alma is gob-smacked. She has clearly never seen anything quite so naff in her whole life, but, Alma being Alma, she's not going to say as much. Instead she tells Hayley that she often takes lunch in the Rovers, and that Hayley must join her there one day. Hayley is over the moon and accepts the invitation with a beaming smile.
Back at the Rovers, Vera is still stuck upstairs - a situation which is beginning to appeal to Jack more and more. He placates her by mounting a ladder with a tray of tomato soup - and enough bread to feed an army. She protests that she can't eat all of it, while Jack tells her to get buttering: the Rovers is shortstaffed and customers still want sandwiches. Jack returns to the bar, where Vera's absence has made his heart grow infinitely fonder - but for other women, not her. Yes, Jack is now free to wink and ogle to his heart's content - and his lecherous machinations even extend to Natalie, which shows just how sad and dessicated his sex-life has become.
When Alma told Hayley that they must have lunch together 'one day', Hayley obviously misheard and thought she'd said 'this very hour', because as Alma sits chatting to Ken, who should walk in but Ms Patterson herself. They are later joined by Audreh, whose gob, as always, is in top gear. Audreh begins a little light interrogation. [What do you do in your spare time? Where do you go at night? What's that bulge down there?]. Hayley offers Audreh a few titbits of personal information, but it is all so sad and pathetic [a penfriend in Wales, with whom she lost touch!] that Audreh wishes she hadn't bothered. When Hayley goes to buy a round, Audreh does her hatchet job and dismisses Hayley as 'a long glass of water', while warning Alma [which, we learn, means 'kind' in Bantu] that by befriending Hayley she will be making a rod for her own back.
Over on the other side of the pub, 'Bernard Ingham in drag' (i.e. Maud) has wheeled herself over to Sam and Des's table to congratulate them on their engagement and to enquire about their nuptials. Samantha, who is clearly having second thoughts about the whole business, tells Maud that they won't be getting married for a long time yet because there's still so much stuff to sort out. Maud's parting shot: "Marry in haste and repent at leisure".
Back at Ken's place, the shit has finally hit the fan. Ken has admitted that he is less than happy with Deirdre's explanation of her part in the Jon affair. "If you don't believe me, what hope is there?" she cries. Ken waffles on about the whole business being somewhat of a 'grey area', at which Deidre accuses him of resorting to his old stand-by: mental acrobatics.
As darkness falls, we find Tilly and Leanne in the ginnel, canoodling in the shadows and fingering each other's rings. They are talking about their imminent trip to Scotland to tie the knot. They have told their respective parents that they are off to Leeds to watch a basketball game, and both the Battersbys and the Platts have given them permission. Roy, of course, knows exactly what is going on, and several times during this episode tries to broach the subject with Gail and Martin, but to no avail.
Back at the Rovers, Jack and Alec, and later Fred as well, are trying to think of ways to get Vera down. The offer of a pigeon shit-stained tarpaulin into which Vera must jump does not go down well, and in the end she asks Jack to pass her the ladder. Instead of using it to descend, however, she snatches it up and keeps it for herself, thus debarring Jack from the marital bed and condemining him to an uncomfortable kip on the settee.
And finally, it's "another suitcase in another hall" as Deirdre prepares to leave Ken's house for her mother's. "I'm not living with a man who thinks I'm guilty", she says, tendons a-quiver. And then she is gone.
AS I SEE IT (i.e. my personal view of the episode):
THE STAIRCASE BUSINESS continues, not without the occasional flash of comedy, but as a pretext for getting Nastily and Jim 'So It Is' McDonald to eventually 'bump uglies', it is somewhat far-fetched: I refuse to believe that two grown men could bang away on the stairs at five in the morning and not wake anyone up. Been there, done that, and it's just not realistic. Furthermore, Nastily - the woman who put the 'vamp' in 'vampire - doesn't need any pretext: what Nastily wants Nastily usually gets, and it wouldn't have taken long for her to jump on Jim, stairs or no stairs. Actually I don't know whom I pity more: Nastily or Jim. I've known plenty of women like Nastily [as my mother would say, 'all fur coat and no knickers'], and they're more trouble than they're worth. And I've known [in the biblical sense] several men like Jim - you know, the rough, uncultured kind; the kind whose idea of foreplay is to take their boots off first. The thought of Jim and Nastily making the 'beast with two backs' is pretty galling, and I pray that the director will leave it all to our imagination. Incidentally, in an effort to get us on her side, the writers have recently allowed certain residents of the Street to warm to Nastily slightly, so much so that some of them now address her as 'Nat'. Presumably the 'g' is silent.
JUDY'S BOSS [who looks like a paedophile on the run from an episode of 'Cracker'] also made a brief appearance in this episode. He tried to instill in Judy's mind the idea that the £2000 was just a pretext, and that she probably let him sleep with her because she fancied him. In other words, he was wondering whether she had come back for more. Steady on, Judy, your boss thinks you're just another slot machine into which he can spend, spend, spend!
TILLY AND LEANNE - will they or won't they? [The same applies to Des and Sam, but they're old enough to know better]. And if they do get married, how will Tilly break the news to Gail? I can saw an awful brouhaha (alright, Mike P?) ahead, because Gail is not exactly the most understanding of women. What Tilly needs now is someone like my mother. I remember, at the tender age of nineteen, admitting to my mother for the first time that I probably belonged 'on the other bus'. I said: "Mother, you know 'the birds and the bees'?" She nodded ponderously. "Well", I said, "I'm afraid that in my case, it's probably going to be 'the bees and the bees'." There was a long Pinter-esque pause as the penny dropped. Eventually she let out a long sigh, looked around my bed-sit, ran her fingers over the freshly-polished coffee table and said: "Well, you may not give me any grandchildren in the future, but at least you'll never let dust settle." If Tilly ever needed anyone like my mother, now's the time.
ALL IN ALL, this was not the most gripping of episodes, but there were some amusing interchanges between the Duckies and Alec Gilroy, and bulging neck tendons aplenty from the Drear. Anne Kirkbride, whose acting I usually enjoy, is fast becoming transformed into CS's queen of melodrama: a kind of bargain-basement Gloria Swanson. ["My neck tendons are ready for their close-up, Mr Park!" And any day now the immortal line: "I *am* big, Ken: it's the plots that got small!"]. Ken must surely be breathing a sigh of relief now that the Drear has gone. Did you notice that there were no carrots in Ken's house? Which means that he always had to sit with his legs crossed - and crossed far too tightly for a man of his advancing years.
FRIDAY JANUARY 30TH
In which the wicked deed is done!!
The opening shots are of Tilly and Leanne in their respective houses, getting ready for their trip to 'Leeds'. At Fortress Platt, Gail is doing her 'mother hen' routine, preening Tilly and fussing over him as though he were no more than five. "You've only had a mouthful!", she protests as Tilly pushes away his half-eaten cereal. [Don't worry, Gail, he doesn't want to ruin his appetite for that big fish pie he'll be tucking into later on].
At the Rovers, Vera is still refusing to come down the ladder. She hits on an idea: she will sing Alec Gilroy into submission, and this she tries to do, in time-honoured club fashion, by murdering some old show tune. Alec responds by turning up the jukebox to drown out her 'caterwauling', while Jack tries to placate her by feeding her more tomato soup. Vera is almost apoplectic by this point, however, and the soup ends up over Jack's shirt. Nearing exasperation, Vera secretly enlists Nastily's help to call 999 and summon the fire-brigade.
In Scotland, meanwhile, Tilly is on a street corner, accosting strangers. [No, he is not behind with his rent; he's merely looking for witnesses to the forthcoming crime: his marriage to Leanne]. The bride-to-be then appears, clad in full-length evening gown and tiara. She claims the gown set her back 100 smackeroonies. Before Tilly can protest, Leanne tells him not to worry: she stole the dress from a shop in Manchester. At this point Tilly has a fit of moralistic pique: he wants them to be different to other people, he says, and that does not include half-inching frocks from shops. "We don't want them on our backs", he cries - which, unless he starts a course of testosterone immediately, is a tall order in anyone's book. Tilly, particularly in this scene, comes over more feminine than ever, which only goes to confirm my suspicions about the rising levels of oestrogen in British drinking water. [Incidentally, my mother rang me about six months ago to tell me about something she'd read in the Daily Express. "Apparently," she said, "the quality of sperm is at an all-time low." I was about to tell her that I had noticed no discernible difference in the taste when she said: "And what's more, the Holy Father has sanctioned masturbation." Three hours later I was still trying to figure out the connection, but given that my mother is Queen of the Non-Sequitur, it's hardly surprising.] Eventually, Tilly and Leanne waylay an old couple who look as though they've got a couple of hours to kill before attending an 'Antiques Roadshow', and thus their witnesses are found. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, the only point of note being that Leanne's middle name is revealed to be: Anneka. More on that later.
Back in the Street, the firemen have arrived and the chief officer is at the top of the ladder, ready to bring Vera down. Below, a large group of onlookers look on, applauding as Vera's stunt double descends. The chief fireman is not best pleased at having been called out for what amounts to an exercise in time-wasting. As Audreh later points out, with regard to the chief fireman's anger, "he was smouldering". [Yes, Audreh, he was rather hunky - but not a patch on DS Wyatt]. Vera drags Jack into the Rovers to give him a tongue-lashing and to get him to write a cheque, which she later hands over to Jim and Gary in the cafe. Gary still has the dead wombat on his head.
The cafe is also the setting for Alma and Hayley's first contretemps. Earlier on, Hayley had suggested to Alma that they lunch together in the Rovers. Alma, a little flustered, told Hayley that it wouldn't be possible, since she intended to have lunch in the cafe with Mike. Hayley had also asked Alma whether she would still enjoy lunch even though there was no alcohol present. "Are you saying I have a drink problem", said Alma. Hayley was naturally mortified to think that she may have offended Alma, but this doesn't stop her from turning up at the cafe later, where Alma is lunching not with Mike but with Audreh.
Diplomatic to a fault - CS's very own Boutros Boutros Ghali on acid - Audreh tells Hayley that "this is a table for two. Hint!? Sorry, Hayley, but me and Alma are having a private conversation." Hayley's heart implodes at this bitchy little expostulation and she makes a sharp exit, much to Alma's embarrassment. Alma casts a reproachful glance at Audreh, but to no avail. Will this woman never learn? I think not, because moments later, she's at it again. When Ken comes into the cafe, Audreh launches into another fact-finding exercise about Deirdre. She tells him that she hopes that Deirdre hasn't left the Street because of her (i.e. Audreh), and then asks Ken why Deirdre has 'walked out' on him as well. [Sue Nicholls has managed to create a monster of a character in Audrey and I always look forward to her scenes. But why any of her friends put up with her is a mystery of Turin Shroud proportions].
Back in Scotland, the newly-married couple have booked a room for the afternoon and here they are, lying in bed, swigging plonk and scoffing chocolates. It's hard to tell whether they've just 'done it' or whether they're about to 'do it'. [I couldn't see an egg-timer or a copy of 'The Ladybird Guide To Shagging Puppets' on Leanne's side of the bed, so I presume the 'beast with two backs' has already come and gone.] The scene is, of course, a pretext to show a bit of flesh, and so we are treated to Leanne's bare shoulders and those tired old Tilly tits, yet again. [Why, when I see his naked torso, do I get the urge to reach for a can of Pledge?]
Talking of things marital, Des suggests to Samantha that they inform their parents of their impending nuptials. Sam is not best pleased [surprise, surprise], asserting that she doesn't want her parents in her life any more, although she concedes that she will probably have to invite them to the wedding. But that, as she reiterates ad nauseam, is a long long long way off yet! [Do I see yet another suitcase in another hall and another taxi at another door? Will Samantha forego the bonk and do a bunk? Methinks there are tears on the way...]
What else? Oh, Gail is angry that it is almost eleven o'clock and Tilly still hasn't returned from 'Leeds'. [Don't worry, Gail, he's about to knock on your door just as the credits roll]. And Alma, in an attempt to make up for Audreh's bitchiness in the cafe, asks Hayley round to have a drink with her and Mike at the weekend. To say that Hayley is thrilled at the prospect would be an understatement: as Glenda Young would say, she looked "as excited as a dog with two dicks"....or, indeed, a 'girl' with just the one.
AS I SEE IT:
WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME what I would do if I were invisible, I usually say that I'd go round the world with an invisible machine gun, killing all the baddies. You know, Saddam Hossein, Gaddafi, Anneka Rice. Which is why I blanched at the thought of Leanne's having 'Anneka' as her middle name. I also found it highly unlikely that Leanne could have been named after her. Correct me if I'm wrong, but was Anneka Rice an established TV personality back in 1980, which is presumably around the time that Leanne was born? Or are there any other famous Annekas that I don't know about?
THE STAIRS BUSINESS at the Rovers turned out to be something of a damp squib-ette, with nothing of interest until the fire-brigade turned up, headed by a rather hunky fireman. [The fact that we didn't get to see his hose left both Eunice and me slightly miffed, but never mind, it's Deirdre's trial soon, and so DS Wyatt will soon be back on our screens]. One side-effect of Brian Park's plan to spruce up CS is that he's employing much more attractive (male) totty these days, albeit mainly in minor roles. [Does this mean, incidentally, that Mr Park has been 'over the rainbow' or is he simply pandering to base female desires?]. How about a few resident hunks, Mr P?
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 1ST
Unable to tell their parents - though not for want of trying - about their wedding, Tilly and Leanne are deeply frustrated. [Leanne more so: as 'Barbie', she's landed a 'Ken' who, much to her chagrin, has turned out not to be as anatomically correct as she'd hoped].
Jim 'So It Is' McDonald and Gary, in search of work, hear from Roy about some building project which may put work their way. They check this out, only to find that there is indeed work for the man with the marsupial on his head (Gary), but not for Jim. Why? Because the site foreman is none other than Steve "I was only powdering my nose, officer" McDonald, whose idea of filial loyalty is to refuse his father the means of earning a crust. The ever loyal Gary, however, sides with Jim and turns down the offer. Naturally this does not endear Gary to Judy, whose sense of morality these days is such that she makes Lucrezia Borgia look like Mother Teresa. I used to adore Judy - now I just worship the quicksand she walks on.
Hayley goes round to the Baldwins for drinks, which is a cue for the ever-diplomatic Mike to disappear for a few rounds of golf. [He's hoping for a hole-in-one, while Hayley is just hoping for a hole]. Mike is also hoping that Hayley will have left by the time he returns. Not! She disappoints him by staying for lunch. When she finally does leave, she presents Alma with another gift. "This is to say thankyou for everything you've done for me", she says. The gift: an extremely well-drawn portrait of Alma herself. Alma is genuinely over the moon, but Mike is not so sure. "What exactly have you done for her? Did you donate a kidney?"
As the episode closes, Leanne and Tilly are still attempting to tell their parents, but windows of opportunity are few and far between....
AS I SEE IT:
ANOTHER SOMEWHAT lacklustre episode. I think the Red Rec brouhaha (there you go again, Mike P) spoiled us rotten. Where is Emily and why have they re-interred her? Why aren't they making more of the Toyah-Spider relationship? Why send Deirdre packing? Where is Chris? Why no Fred? And why do prawn cocktail flavour crisps taste of anything and everything but? The questions slowly multiply...
I AM FAST WARMING to Hayley Patterson, but I wish they'd drawn her as a purely female character rather than a shemale. As a 100% legit woman she is a brilliant creation, but as a trans-sexual the character may not work. Julie Undecipherablesurname-halgh is an excellent actress, and the character she has created would be a superb match for Roy, but as a *woman*. [If Mr Park had wanted to make some point about dubious gender issues, he could have shown us Tilly's nether regions - rather than those tiresome pec shots - and have done with.] Call me old-fashioned, but burdening a lovely character like Hayley with the baggage of trans-sexualism is both straining credulity and obviating empathy. Brian Park has stuck his neck out on this show more times than Deirdre's tendons, and so far he hasn't put that many feet wrong. The Battersbys were a revelation; the idea of a resident eco-warrior - and catalyst for Emily's rebirth - was a potential disaster which actually turned out to be a stroke of genius. But will Hayley give Parkie his hat-trick? I doubt it. But I hope he proves me wrong.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 2ND
To be able to get a place of their own, Tilly and Leanne need money, and the only way they can obtain money is if Leanne works. And thus Leanne heads for the Kabin and the sympathetic ear of Big Red Spice.
Not!! Because although there is indeed still a vacancy, Big Red will not countenance the idea of Leanne Battersby stepping foot inside her emporium, let alone work there. Big Red, (untypically) as subtle as a ten-minute blowjob on a crowded bus, makes it crystal clear that since the Battersbys are evidently congenital thieves, scroungers, wasters, loafers, idiots, tramps, tarts, farts and axe-murderers, there is no way that she is going to give Leanne a job. Leanne eventually lets it slip that she and Tilly have just got married - a confession which Big Red pooh-poohs immediately. [Add 'liars' to the inventory of Battersby attributes]. Crestfallen, Leanne rushes to tell her man (sic).
Tilly in turn tries to convince Big Red Spice that Leanne would make an absolutely first-rate shop assistant, but Big Red is having none of it. She tells Tilly about Leanne's absurd story of their supposed wedding, and is gobsmacked to hear Tilly corroborate it. Eventually her big warm heart gets the better of her and she agrees to employ Leanne, subject to a whole host of conditions and stipulations. [Clearly, one of Rita's chief concerns is that she might walk in one day and catch Leanne with her hand in the Tilly]. An overjoyed Tilly [and yes, zit alors!, the spot is still there on his forehead], minces off to give Leanne the good news, but his young bride is not impressed. She pouts and sulks and steams and simpers and declares that she would never work for Rita Sullivan even if the old bag were to beg her...or words to that effect. Tilly eventually persuades her to swallow her pride and accept Big Red's offer, which she does. And Big Red promises not to disclose their little secret; similarly, they are to keep shtumm about Big Red's being 'in the know'.
Jim and Steve McDonald are still at loggerheads, and it is spelled out yet again via several incidents that Steve's act of vengeance (ie his refusal to employ Jim) stems from the gruesome sub-duvet activity that took place between Jim and Fiona. When the going gets tough, the tough say 'bollocks to orange juice', and so Jim gets pissed. A squabble ensues, culminating in a botched attempt on Jim's part to ask Steve's forgiveness.
At Firman's, Curly asks Alma to bring Hayley to his office. Hayley's father has died and Curly must tell her. He wants Alma to be present so that "there'll be another woman there to comfort her". [Pardon me, Curly, but did you say 'another' woman? Where was the first one?] Curly breaks the news (off-screen) and then later we see Hayley, head in hands, being comforted by her new friend and mentor, Almaguru. Alma's pity is such that she invites Hayley to stay the night with her and Mike. [Alma, being a woman after my own heart, is clearly not averse to spending the night with strange men]. Mike is not best pleased, but softens a little when he hears that Hayley's father has shuffled off his mortal coil.
The Sam 'n Des affair limps on, with Sam actually readying herself to leave. A bad case of PMT [pre-marital tension] - or is it the clinking of much weirder skeletons in the woman's closet? What is wrong with Samantha, apart from the obvious beta-carotene poisoning? I thought she had laid all her ghosts to rest? She got the tennis instructor business off her chest; she cleared the air with her parents; she sorted Richie out - in a fashion - and she found a cure for her frigidity. [This was the woman who was once known as 'February 29th', because that too comes only once every four years]. So much so in fact that Des's house was transformed into a theme-park: Shagworld. So what's her problem now? Okay, so Des is being a bit over-enthusiastic about their proposed nuptials. But he's not a bad sort and she could do much much worse than him. In fact, she has already done much much worse than him, in the guise of Richie Fitzgerald and Shaun Skinner. [Yuk - Shaun Skinner! So oily that he could be an honorary member of OPEC]. Okay, so Des's track record with women ain't that fantastic. But age has begun to mellow him and he's clearly besotted with Sam. What more could anyone ask for? He's solvent, has his own house and a steady job, and he's not bad looking [well I wouldn't kick him out of bed for getting Cheesy Wotsits on the sheets], so why the reticence? Des convinces her to stay, but you know that this story is going to run and run: will they, won't they, is she, isn't she. Maybe the scriptwriters are confusing us with viewers who give a toss.
AS I SEE IT:
Another less-than-brilliant episode: more plod than gallop, but maybe that's the intention. I reckon that all of this is the calm before one hell of a storm! Think about it. Tilly will soon be facing the flames of Gail's wrath; Gail's explosion of maternal outrage should be a delight to watch. Ever seen an apoplectic camel? Well now's your chance. And then there's Hayley and Roy. Hayley has already been into Roy's Rolls, but it's when he tries to get into hers that the fun will begin. How will Roy take it? [And before Glenda Young suggests something obscene, what I mean is: how will Roy take Hayley's revelation regarding her gender?] Will he be brave and take it like a man? More to the point, will Hayley?
Sensitively done, this could be brilliant. The writers should do a two-hander: thirty minutes of Hayley and Roy, pouring their hearts out about their troubled pasts. The episode in which the truth emerges has probably already been written. If so, they should tear it up and let the RATUCS gang have a go: I nominate Mike Plowman. If there is a cast member lurking in this group, please inform Mr Park immediately.
And of course there is also the Drear in the dock. "Tendons! On your marks, get set, THROB!" A special hour-long episode covering the trial wouldn't go amiss either. Jon would be forced to testify, thus cutting short his and Linda's three-month tour of Outer Mongolia. The residents of CS would be called to attest to the Drear's previous good character. The seriously edible DS Wyatt would reappear, gunning for the Drear with all his gorgeous might. Tracy Luv would come up from London, minus bump. But the clincher would be the appearance of Ken "Mr Moral Rectitude" Barlow as an (unwilling) witness for the prosecution. Viewing figures would sky-rocket, and greengrocers everywhere would report record sales of root vegetables.
Wishful thinking; I say, wishful thinking.
WELL, that's the end of my first - and last - weekly update. Just a one-off, I promise. If there are any howling typos, misplaced words or general syntactical lapses, put it down to the fact that I'm a recovering dyslexic. [I tried to read a sex manual the day before I got married, and then spent most of my wedding night looking for my wife's vinegar]. Alternatively, blame Glenda Young, who suggested in the first place that I write this update while she was away in the Betty Ford clinic - yet again. [She obviously never went in the end, because just this lunchtime my friend Eunice saw the tragic Ms Young staggering legless out of the Three Tuns, bottle in hand, her prawn vindaloo-stained poncho flapping in the breeze. She was such a pathetic sight, Eunice claimed, that even the 'Big Issue' vendors were avoiding her].
Anyway, it was lovely talking to you all, and : thanks for having me!
Love and hugs,
Well, I'm not quite sure where to start after last week's storming update from C.P.Turner. Laugh? I nearly bought a round!. I hope you all enjoyed last week's update as much as I did and if you didn't, well, you were warned! So, as I sit here listening to my favourite Bowie CD, "Hunky Dory", I raise my glass of Sainsbury's Merlot to CP Turner. Any time you want to take a seat in the weekly update chair CP, you're very welcome. And for those kind folks who asked, yes, the prawn cocktail stains did come out of my poncho.
Well, this week saw Gail's chin hit the floor (no mean feat) when Nick and Leanne told her that they were married. Roy tells Nick he knows they didn't go to Leeds for the day and knows they planned to get married, so advises Nick to tell his mother the truth pretty sharp like. While Gail and Martin are in the Rovers arguing with Les Battersby (a long story I won't go into involving Les falling over on the red rec, pretending he hurt his foot so he could claim for industrial compensation and then Martin finding out at the hospital that Les was swinging the lead), Leanne and Nick are chez Platt consumating their marriage, again. When Gail walks in through the front door, she finds Leanne commiting the two cardinal sins that no daughter in law should ever, I repeat, ever commit in front of their new mother in law. Firstly, Leanne was wearing Gail's dressing gown, and more importantly, Leanne was staking her claim to Gail's territory - standing in her kitchen!. A bit of an argument follows which ends with Leanne egging on Nick "Go on Nick, tell her!" And he does, the news is out. While Gail tries not to hyperventilate, Leanne asks "Aren't you going to congratulate us then mum?" Actually, she didn't say "mum" but I wish she had done, it would have carried that little extra punch. With Martin trying to calm Gail down over the course of the next few days, the Battersby's take the news somewhat happier with Les welcoming Nick to the family and Janice giving full support to her daughter and new son in law by offering them a room in the house. Instead, they move in with Zoe, Ashley and the baby but Leanne wants to move out into a flat of their own. Rita takes Leanne on in the Kabin to help out but she doesn't yet trust Leanne, being a Battersby and all that. "I never leave anyone in sole charge of my bon bons on the first day" says Rita. Sage advice I think we could all learn from.
Alma wonders if Hayley is too lonely and sad for her own good after she receives a cashmere sweater from the new friend she just can't shake off. In the Rovers, she tells Mike and Audrey she wants to fix Hayley up with someone. Mike denounces Hayley as a geek, but Alma wants her fixed up. She wonders who is desperate enough to go out with Hayley, and just at that moment, into the Rovers walks Curly. All eyes turn toward him. "What?" he says looking around, surprised. Alma invites Curly along for dinner at the flat, then she invites Hayley, then Audrey as support, then Roy as the spare bloke to make up the numbers. Mike decides he's not staying in for dinner with the trainspotting society and promptly leaves. Audrey gets hideously drunk and when Curly tells Alma he wants to leave after dinner, Audrey blurts out that the only reason he was invited was for him to get together with Hayley. Everyone is embarassed and hugely upset except Audrey who is having a whale of a time. (She's obviously had far too much Sainsburys Merlot, this is good stuff). Roy decides to leave too and offers to share a taxi with Hayley but the two cheeky monkeys don't go straight home, they're off to the Rovers for a chat about people being patronising to them both. There's a twinkle in Roy's eye when Hayley tells him "I want to lead my own life and live it my way" but he doesn't yet know exactly what it means. And when he finds out, there'll be tears, just wait and see.
Samantha confides in Natalie at the Rovers that she doesn't want to marry Des. I have to admit, I hated Natalie's character when she first appeared, tempting that poor boy Kevin Webster away from his little wife and lovely kids. But now, well, I think she's got potential to be the new Bet Gilroy. She's blonde, she flashes her cleavage and she offers advice, sympathy and cups of hot tea around the small table in the Rovers back room. All we need now are some huge ear-rings and we're halfway there. Samantha decides to visit Richie in London and asks Nat to be her alibi for her overnight stay. In London, Sam tells Richie she doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't want to be free to marry Des. Richie agrees but you just know he's going to want something in return. Des calls Richie while Sam is there and asks him what the hold up is on the divorce and Richie tells him he's not going to file proceedings yet. Des is crest fallen, Sam is happy and Richie is just plain weird if you ask me.
In the hair salon, Steve McDonald tells Fiona he wants to be friends with her, if she'll allow it. Seems he's the contractor for the building conversion at the end of the street (could this mean new characters eventually?!) and apologises in advance for loss of power, water and general mess outside of the salon. Steve tells his dad to stay away from Fiona in exchange for Steve giving Jim and Gary some building work. Jim agrees, so he does. Maxine goes nightclubbing and meets a new bloke with a flash car and an even flasher tie. Just one problem, she'd told him that she was a business woman who owned the hair salon and that her name was... Fiona Middleton. Confused? You will be. A great scene when Maxine admitted all of this to Fiona and Audrey while The Eurythmics 'Would I Lie to You?' played in the background. In walks James (flash tie person) who tells Maxine (aka Fiona) to listen in to the radio station that evening as the DJ is a friend of his. Maxine and Fiona are both listening to the radio in Fiona's flat for James' dedication, when they hear the DJ play a record for "Fiona Middleton, just remember that Jim loves you, Jim needs you and can not live without you". Unfortunately, Steve McDonald also tunes in to the radio station in his car as he leaves the Rovers and hears the dedication too. Rather a silly storyline, but quite funny.
And that's just about that this week. My glass of wine has finished and the CD has started again at the beginning. See you next week.
Glenda :-)
There's been a lot of emotion on the Street this week, more so than usual. Firstly, Gail sheds some tears when she begs Nick to stay away from Leanne, and of course he refuses. The Battersbys hold a party at their house for the newly weds, a party to which Gail and Martin are invited but decide not to attend.
Roy tells Gail he knew about the wedding plans in advance and Gail, quite naturally is rather upset with Roy for not telling her so she could have stopped the wedding taking place. I screamed at the TV "You heartless bitch! when Gail told Roy "and you... it's true what everyone around here says. You are mentally retarded!". Oh Gail. Yes, you were upset but no, there was no need for that. Hayley walks into the cafe, and seeing Roy's shocked face asks him if he's okay. With one word that broke my heart, Roy quivers a bit and simply replies "No". Fortunately, all ends well with Gail apologising to Roy and hugging him by the bread buns. Roy, obviously never having hugged anyone before, is unsure how to handle Gail's bear hug so tells her she'd better let go of him in case anyone should walk into the cafe and get the wrong idea.
At the wedding party, Ashley and Zoe arrive together with the baby, which is promptly taken upstairs before it can ask for a drop of sweet sherry and a couple of cigarettes. Zoe ends up all over some other bloke and Ashley is not best pleased. He's trying to be all tough with her to get her to see sense but she still tries to wrap him around her little finger. A chap from the Benefits Agency calls to the house with respect to Zoe's claim for £100 per month housing benefit. If the BA {Benefits Agency] finds out that Zoe isn't in fact a lodger in the house, she could face prison, the chap informs them both. Naturally, Ashley is just a lickle bit scared about the situation.
Someone that Roy might hug, (or not, who knows?) is Hayley Patterson. Roy takes her out to dinner and helps her off with her red anorak. They both admit they,ve never been on a proper date with anyone else before and raise their glasses to Alma, with much gratitude, for bringing them both together. Hayley helps out at the red rec with Roy, taking soon-to-be out of date lemon meringues from Firman,s. Spider has been digging tunnels on the rec and the pies go flying as the hapless couple fall straight into one of the holes. Hayley hurts her leg and Roy rubs it better for her. "How does that feel?" asks Roy. "Lovely!" she replies. Roy takes Hayley to the Rovers for a drink and presents her with a gift of stain remover, to take the mud off her anorak. Quite romantic really (and more than I received this Valentine's Day but that's another story, which doesn't involve anoraks I'm pleased to say).
Meanwhile, back on the Red Rec. Spider hits what he thinks is concrete while digging his tunnel. On further inspection and with the help of Roy's encyclopaedic knowledge, it turns out to be remains of a Roman settlement. The bulldozers are set to make a move on the Red Rec and the council chappie comes with the eviction notice but Professor Barker, a local archaeology professor saves the day. He brings with him a notice from the council that states the building work must end on this site of historical significance. Spider, Toyah, Roy and Emily (complete with the omnipresent handbag which deserves a few lines of its own) celebrate with a drink in the Rovers.
Less happy is Des (does that guy ever smile?). He goes to see Richie in London to pressure him into giving Sam the divorce he thinks she wants. As Des drives to London, Samantha rings Richie and leaves a message on his ansaphone. She warns Richie that Des is on his way there, asks him not to mention that she was there last week and not to mention anything about the divorce. So, Des arrives and what does Richie do? Tells Des Samantha was there last week and plays him the ansaphone message that Sam left. Furious, Des storms up the motorway and straight into the Rovers (have you ever noticed how often people storm, in and out of the Rovers? - well, they do in my updates anyway), and in front of a full bar, yells at Samantha "You slut!". Despite her attempts to make up with Des, he won,t have her back, tells her it,s all over and throws her out into the street where Natalie takes pity on her and invites her to stay at her house for a while. Watch this space, rumours are that Des and Nat end up together. "DesNat - sounds like a toilet cleaner to me".
And meanwhile, in the hair salon it's McNugget in one corner and McBigOne, so it is, in the other corner as both father and son battle it out in front of the backwash basins after last week's radio dedication fiasco. Steve later goes to see Fiona to apologise for his behaviour. He presents her with a bouquet of flowers, the stench of which is so overpowering that Fiona goes into labour immediately. Maude, who is in the salon having her hair done at the time, tells Fiona in that common sense old woman type of way that it's probably a false alarm but Fiona makes Steve drive her straight to the hospital. Once there, Steve looks nervous and, typically blokish says "You okay then Fi? Right, I'm off". Fiona is in so much pain she's having spasms or contraptions or whatever it is that happens to women in childbirth (I hope I never find out. I want an Absolut drip in my arm and to be force fed chocolate, Cadbury's of course, when/if my time comes). "Come here you she yells. "I'm scared and you're going nowhere!". Thatta girl.
Glenda :-)
Quite an interesting week on the Street this week.
Fiona gives birth to a baby boy whom she decides to call Morgan. Her first choice of name was Spike which I found rather curious especially as the nurse woke Steve McDonald from sleeping in a chair at the hospital and told him he looked like a hedgehog. Now, if I was CP Turner, there would be a joke in there about pricks, but I'm not, so there's not. Mind you, CP has been let loose on the Wednesday updates, so if you enjoyed his weekly update a couple of weeks ago, look out for the Wednesday episode updates, they'll be a lot of fun. If you didn't, well, don't read them and please, no more complaints to me, I loved his update. Anyway, Fiona brings baby Morgan home and her mother is fussing around her trying not to let Steve McDonald get his feet under the table, "She's vulnerable, it's her 'ormones, leave her alone" she tells him. Steve buys Fiona a baby alarm which he plugs in and overhears a conversation between Fiona and her mother which he isn't supposed to here. Fiona tells her mum she doesn't trust Steve and is sure he'll be out after the first piece of skirt he can find. Indeed. Steve admits as much to Des in the Rovers, despite seeing himself, the baby and Fi as a cosy ready-made family. So, just what is it that ITV puts in the gripe water? Zoe's baby Shannon and now this new one, Morgan, haven't cried, screamed or yelled... just what is going on?... curious minds want to know.
There were tears in my living room this week as well as around Emily's dining table when Spider told Emily and Toyah he was planning to leave. His mate Hawkeye rang him from another eco-site and said he needed help there, and just when Toyah and I were in floods of tears, Spider then announced he's been offered a job at the Red Rec from Professor Barker (the archaeology professor). Harrumph and Hurrah. Toyah and I smiled, a lot. The Red Rec has been roped off in case anyone goes there with metal detectors searching for loot. Les Battersby is most put out that he can't use his new metal detector on site after spending 35 quid buying the thing in the first place. It seems Les found and then lost a Roman brooch on the site, so he gets his old job back at the Red Rec in order to find the antique brooch.
Leanne and Nick move back to live with Ashley and Zoe, and by heck, when Uncle Fred finds out he does a mean impersonation of Elvis which has just got to be seen to be believed. Fred questions Ashley about the "menagerie a trois" going on in the house when he thinks Ashley is shacked up with Zoe and Leanne. "But we don't have any animals in the house" replies Ashley. Uncle Fred makes things formal and legal-like by giving Leanne and Nick a rent book. (CP Turner has a lot to answer for, I typed 'rent boy' there and had to go back and delete it!). Gail invites Nick for dinner, deliberately leaving Leanne out of the invitation but the brazen hussy storms right in there and sits down at the dinner table with the rest of them (a true Suzie Birchall of the '90s). Gail is not best pleased and turns her face that funny shape she does.
Des is moping about the way that only Des can do. Richie turns up and causes a scene and further trouble in the back room of the Rovers so Sam decides she's had enough and wants to run away. Natalie tries to convince Des that Sam still loves him and tells him that Sam is leaving for London. She calls Des a taxi ("Oi, Des! You're a Hackney") which whisks him off to the train station to try to stop Sam from leaving, but it's too late, he misses her train by seconds. Fortunately, all's well that ends well and Sam hasn't left at all, she's there on the Street when he comes back in his taxi. They kiss and make up, yadda yadda, blah blah, happily ever after.
Eric Firman tells Curly he wants him to write and prepare a speech on the company eco-friendly policy for the next meeting of the Weatherfield Association of Retail Traders (WARTS). What an awful acronym, but not half as bad as the one my village almost had. The local computing group had to change its name from the South Hetton Information Technology Club for some reason. Anyway, Curly - knowing nothing about eco-friendly anything, asks Spider to write his speech for him. Spider says he'll oblige for a couple of bottles of Holsten Pils (great product placement ITV, by the way) but after a few more bottles, he still hasn't written anything. Curly isn't best pleased and wonders where the speech is, to which Spider replies "You can have it quick or you can have it good". (And where have we heard that before, ladies?)
A beautifully touching scene this week between Roy and Hayley in the cafe. The hapless couple were supposed to go out for Sunday lunch together but Hayley's bus is delayed so they eat in the cafe instead, discussing bus timetables, life, the universe and everything. Roy has something he wants desperately to ask Hayley, but each time he plucks up the courage he's interrupted by both Fred and then Curly who come into the cafe wanting something to eat, assuming the place is open. Roy tells Hayley he feels they have so much in common after Hayley tells Roy she liked woodworking and technical drawing at school more than she enjoyed domestic science. I truly wish the character of Hayley wasn't going to turn out as a transsexual, because I can't bear to see Roy get hurt when he finds out the truth about Hayley. Why couldn't the writers just have made Hayley a regular woman, and for she and Roy to run the cafe? Just my tuppence worth.
Bye for now. I'm off out to the pub.
Glenda :-)
