Poor Deirdre. There she is, her and her specs, stuck in prison with scouser Jackie Dobbs. Deirdre herself wrote a letter to The Sun, thanking loyal fans for their support while she's banged up. Only 'Coronation Street' has the power to do this, to bring the nation together for a bit of "Free the Weatherfield One" fun. The Street has even brought the Prime Minister and leader of the opposition, William Vague, together in agreement. A rare feat indeed. Anyway, as I sit here wearing my 'Free Deirdre' specs with flashing lights round the frames, stick-on 'Empathise with Deirdre' neck muscles and "Deirdre's Innocent" T-shirt and matching slippers, here I go with this week's update.
Aye, the poor lass isn't doing too well in prison. Cellmate Jackie tells her not to worry, they can go for a swim in the prison pool and have a jacuzzi and massage later. This brings a semblance of a smile to Deirdre's face until, 20 minutes after everyone else, she realises it's April Fool's day. Obviously a reject from 'Within These Walls' and without any of the niceties of Googie Withers, prison warden Veitch plays another cruel, cruel trick on Deirdre. She tells Deirdre her appeal will be heard that very afternoon, there's been a cancellation. Deirdre says her goodbyes to Jackie, "I kept telling you I was innocent!" she laughs "I'll be out soon!" Veitch takes Deirdre to the prison main gate. "See that gate?" she snarls "That's to keep you in, not to let you out." It was all a cruel ploy to quieten Deirdre down to stop protesting her innocence every five minutes. It crushes Deirdre. She weeps and cries and when Mike Baldwin goes to visit her, she stares into space and retreats into her own strange world just like my cat does when he's had too much catnip. Mike calls Veitch and Deirdre is taken to the prison hospital where a psychologist is called to see her. Veitch tells Mike he'd be better off getting Deirdre to accept her time in prison rather than raising her hopes of release. Mike is incensed and threatens to report Veitch; a nasty piece of work if ever I saw one.
Alma finds out (from Ken, no less!) that Mike has paid £10,000 for Deirdre's legal fees. Naturally, she's not best pleased and after confronting Mike and slapping him across the face (in full view of the factory girls) and a few excellent, tearful scenes from Alma she tries to make sense of Mike's actions. She goes out and does 'a bit of shopping, a lot of thinking' (I love lines like that) and tells Gail she thinks Mike has been having an affair with Deirdre for the last 15 years and walks out on him. Back to the cafe she goes and asks Gail if she can stay there for the night. She leaves Mike a note, and when he finds Alma gone and reads the note, there's tears in his eyes too.
Angie also finds out that Mike has spent £10,000 from the Underworld account on Deirdre. She takes her portfolio and gets herself an in-house designer job elsewhere, telling Mike she wants to split the partnership and move on. Mike is desperate, he even calls Angie's new employers to try to get her out of her new contract but Angie is determined to leave (again).
A tall, dark, handsome stranger turns up on the Street looking for Les Battersby. Les, worried that it might be someone from the social security office trying to track him down, says he's not Les, he's Des Battersby, Les' brother. Anyway, once the confusion dies down, we meet Greg Kelly, who turns out to be Les Battersby's son from a fling with Moira Kelly, many years ago. Greg is a bit of alright, driving around in a beamer with his own business card and involved in the fashion industry. At first apprehensive, Les tells him he's "dead chuffed" to have a son and, a great expression you hear in the North East a lot, asks Greg "How ya diddlin'?" when he came back to the house to meet Toyah and Leanne. Greg takes a bottle of champagne with him for the family meeting but Les takes it off him, saying it's too good for his lot and he'll keep it for a special occasion! Out come the beers and Greg and Leanne hit it off straight away, Toyah isn't so sure.
In the cafe, Judy overhears Nick and Leanne moaning about baby Shannon (aka Katie), saying that the baby's crying is keeping them both awake at night. Judy's maternal antenna picks up on this and she tells Gary she's worried that Shannon isn't being looked after. Ashley tells Betty that Shannon has developed a cough and he's worried about her. He calls the doctor to make an appointment to see the baby, and chastises Zoe for smoking in the house and not looking after her child properly.
Over at the Websters, Sally and Kevin are getting all lovey-dovey again. Kevin asks Sally if they should have another baby as he'd like a son. Sensible to the end, Sally tells him they've been through a lot lately and a new baby is the last thing they need.
And finally, a beautiful scene this week between Roy and Hayley. I hope it won't be the last time we see these two together on the Street. Hayley comes into the cafe and tells Roy that she's been to see her solicitor and it looks like she's going to become quite wealthy as she was the only beneficiary of her father's will. This means she can afford to go abroad and have her operation done privately, and discreetly. Roy, prepared for Hayley's departure, gives her a gift. It's a book on Automotive Engines, but when Hayley opens the book, a silver locket falls out. They say goodbye, Roy offers his hand for Hayley to shake, but instead she grabs him in a bear hug and thanks him for everything he's done. "You made me feel like a real woman." she tells him. Shyly, Roy asks if Hayley found him attractive. "Oh yes, attractive and interesting." she replies. They tell each other to take care and as Hayley leaves, Roy gives the thumbs up. Perfect, absolutely perfect.
And that's it for this week.
Glenda
I hate it when people call me a dumb bitch. It's true, I admit that I can't speak and that I am indeed the female of my breed, but stupid I ain't. For the last 2 years I've been going to training classes every Saturday in the church hall next to the Co-op. I'm proud to say I passed the elementary level of "sit, stay, down, fetch" with first class honours. I then progressed to the intermediate level, learning how to change a tyre, do olde time dancing, crochet my own slippers and do a spot of brick-laying. I'm now studying in the advanced class where I'm following "computing for canines". My tutor has set me a project this week, so I've decided to take over from Glenda for this week's update. After being forced by her to watch it 4 times a week since I was knee high to the sofa, it's not like I don't know what's going on. Of course, I'm not typing this myself... that would be silly. Everyone knows Old English Sheepdog's paws are too big for this type of keyboard. Instead, I've enlisted the help of Scaredy the cat to type my words as I dictate them to him (knew there had to be a use for this darned cat!). And so, here I am... smarter than Roly from Eastenders, more street cred than Cracker from Brookside and cuter than the Andrex Puppy.
Ladies and gentlemen, with my bowl of fresh water and a couple of bonios to chew on as I write - for the first and only time - Sophie the Old English Sheepdog's Coronation Street update.
Oooh! I love a good howl! That theme tune does it for me every time; it hits the spot and I just have to sing along. Here she is again, dog-breath Deirdre. That woman is so frightening, when she comes on screen, I run behind the sofa and pee. It's a little known fact, but a true one, that I started the midnight bark of "Free Deirdre Rachid" around the neighbourhood. The message went from dog to dog in every street in every town in every city. Unfortunately, Sam the Dalmatian in Gateshead is a little deaf and the message ended up as a Chinese Whisper, for it was finally barked back to me as "Fred's eaten cheese". Deirdre is depressed and in danger of going stir crazy in her kennel when a stranger called Mary Docherty turns up at Ken's door. Mary was also duped by Jon Lindsay (aka James Anderson) who married her 4 years ago (dressed in pilot's outfit, no less!) stung her for £17,000 and Luton CID were just about to arrest him before he disappeared and changed his name. Mike and Ken are delighted with this new piece of evidence, Mike calls the prison to leave a message for Deirdre but Veitch the horrid doesn't pass on the phone call to Deirdre. (I growled, at this point).When Mike goes to see Deirdre in prison, she doesn't believe the news at first but slowly it sinks in that she could be released soon. Veitch puts a dampener on things by telling Deirdre the appeal could take 6-9 months, and in that time, to remember that she still holds the prison keys.
What Deirdre doesn't realise while she's been in prison is that she's almost caused divorce between Mike and Alma. Now I like Alma, a lot. If she was a dog, she'd be just like me, a big, fluffy, loveable, faithful Sheepdog. Unfortunately, for girls like us, there's always a pitbull like Baldwin ready to sink his teeth into our heart and rip it to shreds. Alma tells Mike the only reason he was helping Deirdre out was so he'd get something in return at the end of it, but he denies this, of course. She tells him she'll come back to the flat if he drops the appeal and lets someone else pay for it. He agrees to do this until Mary Docherty comes along with the new evidence. Her marriage is the most important thing to her and she wants to save it but Mike tells Alma that if he doesn't pay for Deirdre's appeal, then it will be Alma's fault that Deirdre stays in prison. Grrrrrrr!!
Also, Emily, Ken, Toyah and Spider start protesting outside of the prison for Deirdre's release. Ken wonders why Toyah isn't at school and she says she has a free period. "There's no such thing as a free period." says Ken "There is when the teachers want one." she replies "And they spend all their time in the staff room, drinking coffee and having sex." A suitably shocked Ken grimaces and wonders why it was never like that for him. Vera joins the protest "I've got a loud mouth and could do with some fresh air." she says, and then joins in with the protest for the release of Deirdre "... so think on!" so shouts at the passing public. And of course, the lovely, lovely Spider is there too, right at the heart of the protest. He can take me for walkies any time. When he comes on TV, I jut have to go and lick the screen then lie down and pant with my tongue hanging out. Funnily enough, Glenda does the same. He's our favourite.
Excuse me for a minute, I've just seen Tina the rough Collie walk past the window. Now, she's a really dirty bitch, a rough, Rough Collie, if you get my drift. The gossip I could tell you about her! Always has a dirty bottom and wears that collar far too tight.
As you know, we Sheepdogs are always happy to have things rounded up and penned in, so it's a pleasure to see the Battersby clan together, even if their head bitch is away from the Street tending to her sick mother and hound dog Les seems to be suffering from distemper. Les, a true Stan Ogden for the 90's, rants on about how he has to make his own tea while Janice is away, interuptting Angie's leaving do in the Rovers, so Greg takes them off to the fish and chip shop instead. While Leanne seems wrapped up in her new brother, and Les is chuffed to find out that Moira Kelly is worth a bob or two and has her own kennel in Majorca, Toyah is less than impressed and wonders what Greg's motives are for getting back in touch with his family. As you can imagine, Les has already "borrowed" a few quid from Greg so far. Greg and Maxine's eyes meet across the bar at the Rovers when Maxine is attracted to Greg's glossy coat and wet nose. Next thing you know, they'll be slurping spaghetti together from the same bowl. Come back soon Janice, and leash in your brood!
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you just have to look at Natalie in the Rovers to know that's not true. She tells Des she doesn't want him chatting her up when he says they have unfinished business to deal with. He was just trying to make Samantha jealous, and succeeded.
Nick and Leanne moan about baby Shannon crying all the time, so Judy offers to take the baby every now and then if it will help out Zoe. Zoe also complains that she wants to go out nightclubbing, and that she doesn't feel her life is her own anymore. Zoe leaves the baby with the Malletts for an evening but Gary is worried it'll all end in tears and asks Zoe to leave Judy alone, but Judy is more than happy to look after the baby from time to time, and she's even getting on well with Zoe too. (Needless to say, this friendship between Zoe and Judy is just a ploy to get us to feel more sorry for them both when Shannon dies of meningitis in a few weeks time).
In college, Nick's tutor introduces a convict to talk to the class about life in prison. By a horrendous coincidence, it turns out the convict is none other than the killer of Brian Tilsley!! Obviously, Nick is very shocked. He asks Gail about the circumstances surrounding his dad's death. "What would you do if you came face to face with his killer?" asks Nick, not letting on that the murderer was in his college classroom that morning. "There's a part of me that would want to kill him." replies Gail. The killer, Darren Whately, is being released in a few months time, so we'll have to see what happens.... a can of worms has been opened here, methinks. Talking about opening cans, I wonder when my Pedigree Chum will be ready?
And that's just about that for my one and only update folks. I'd better go now before Glenda finds out what I've been up to. If she knows that I've been using her PC, and that I can word process at 70wpm, she'll sell me to the media circus and I'll be featured on ^ÑRichard and Judy' this time next week. By the way, despite what you may have heard about me from Glenda, she really is fond of me you know. She's taken measures for me to be found if I should ever stray, rather painful measures though, it has to be said. I'd like to see how she felt after getting a tattoo in her ear and a microchip up her bottom.
From Scaredy the cat and Sophie the sheepdog - Woof! Woof!
Sophie's web page: http://www.dur.ac.uk/~dlc4gy/paddy.html
Sophie the sheepdog wishes to thank everyone for the kind emails she's been receiving since writing the update for me last week. Now that she's famous, she expects the best seat on the sofa, (but only if the cat allows her to sit there, of course).
I've had quite a good week so far, and life can only get better, thanks to Lender's Bagels. I read in the Sunday paper that Lender's Bagels were coming to town, flown in direct from the states and it cheered me up no end. You see, Lender's Bagels aren't your run of the mill, get them from bob's corner shop kind of bagels. There's something special about them that only Americans knew, until now. they're being imported to England (or baked here? who knows?) and are the most scrummiest bagel I ever tasted while living in California. Now, if anyone from Lender's is reading this update and wishes to send me some free samples, they'll be very happily received, I can tell you! In which case they'd become Glenda's Lender's, but that's by the by.
Well, what an absolutely storming week on the Street. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy with cracking performances turned in by just about everyone. Without any further ado, here is this weeks Coronation Street update...
She's free! Deirdre's out of prison! The Weatherfield
One is back in the Rovers!
Mike gets a phone call in the Rovers from Frankie telling him
that Jon has been arrested on charges of fraud and bigamy and
it's drinks all round. He even buys Ken a pint. Veitch breaks
the news to Deirdre that one of them has to spend the rest of
her life in that god-forsaken hell-hole while the other one is
free to leave. Deirdre should have spit in her face as she walked
past her, what a cow that Veitch has been! Before her release,
Deirdre's cell mate Jacqui ended up throwing punches at Veitch
in Deirdre's defence after she made some jibes about Samir; good
one Jacqui! As Deirdre is released, blinking into the sunshine,
who should we see being taken into prison in handcuffs but none
other than Jon Lindsay. "You'll enjoy it in here Jon."
Deirdre shouts to him "It's directly under the flight path
to the airport". Anyway, both Mike and Ken are waiting for
Deirdre when she gets released and Mike immediately offers for
her to stay with him and Alma, but Deirdre says she'd rather stay
with Ken. (Ken 1, Mike 0) Back at ken's, he cracks open the red
wine with a toast to the future and tries to kiss Deirdre but
she backs off, saying she only loves him as a friend. However,
Ken thinks there's more to it than the fact she's turned off by
his old blue cardi, and assumes she's really in love with Baldwin.
(Ken 1, Mike 1) The same thought runs through alma's pretty head
when Deirdre and Mike play tonsil hockey in the Rovers. (Ken 1,
Mike 2) "I'm very grateful to you for getting me out"
says Deirdre to Mike. (Yes dear, and I think we'll soon find out
just how grateful you really are.) Ken shares his concerns with
Alma, only upsetting Alma even more than she is already about
the whole situation. Seems like Alma is the only one not best
pleased to see Deirdre out of prison, especially when Mike tells
her he wants to offer Deirdre a job in the factory. She tells
Mike "you can stuff Deirdre Rachid". Unfortunately Alma,
I think he has this in mind already, pet. (Mike scores an own
goal: final result - Ken 1, Mike 3, Alma -2). Deirdre decides
living with Ken is too awkward and moves in with her best pal
Liz, promising not to share each other's tights, lipsticks, clothes
or men.
The other huge storyline this week was the death of baby Shannon from meningitis. The main actors involved in this: Zoe, Leanne, Judy and in particular Ashley, Gary and Fred, have all been acting their hearts out. I've been in tears more than once this week and everyone I speak to about this storyline seems to have been touched in the same way. Zoe and Ashley go out for the evening, leaving Nick and Leanne baby-sitting. Nick decides he wants a night with Leanne alone to tell her about his father's killer. Anyway, baby Shannon starts crying, is all hot and sweaty and starts coughing and staring. Leanne runs to get Judy, they call an ambulance... but it's too late. Just as the ambulance pulls up in the Street, and Judy walks out of the door with baby Shannon in her arms, Zoe turns the corner, sees the dead baby, and everyone is in tears. Judy, Zoe, Ashley, Gary, me, the woman next door, her at number 6; we all sat and bubbled. Uncle Fred offers to pay for the funeral and both Zoe and Ashley turn on Fred, saying he's only doing it to salve his conscience as he never had a good word to say about Zoe or the baby before tragedy struck. Lots of strong, touching scenes between Gary/Ashley and Ashley/Fred - powerful, emotional stuff indeed, I even felt sorry for Zoe for about the first time since she appeared on the Street. When she hugged Ashley and cried "I can still feel her breath on my face, Ashley" I just hugged the sofa and cried once more. Shannon's funeral takes place and afterwards, Fred arranges a few nibbles and drinks for all back at Ashley's house, but Zoe isn't best pleased, telling Fred to get stuffed and accusing everyone there of not wanting to know her before her baby died.
Anyway, enough of this emotional stuff, anyone would think I had a heart the way I carry on sometimes. Providing light relief and some great comedy in contrast to the heavy scenes above, Jack and Vera have been wonderful this week. Jack complains of pains in his legs, Vera packs him off to the doctors who tells him he has hardening of the arteries and that he must stop smoking and take more exercise. Faced with the shock of having to live a more healthy lifestyle, Jack returns to the Rovers and immediately cracks open a bottle of whisky! Alec bets Jack £50 that he won't be able to stop smoking and finally catches him out when he finds him smoking in the yard of the Rovers. Covered in nicotine patches, Vera tells Jack "you'll have to look after yourself, or you'll end up like Elvis!". There are some corking lines this week from Jack, Vera and Alec and as I said, wonderful comedy between the Duckworths, the likes of which we haven't seen in a long time.
Les is determined to split up Greg and Maxine, and comes between them in the Rovers, telling Maxine that "three's a crowd". "You're dead right, there" she tells Les, and walks out. Steve has moved in with Fiona and she wants him to make friends with his dad, so she does, but she's less than enthusiastic about this.
Oh.. nearly forgot. Judy starts feeling unwell and Gary advises her to go to the doctors, but, she runs out into the street after Gary leaves for work, telling him that she feels pregnant! She takes a home pregnancy test and the result is positive, she is indeed pregnant. More tears, more joy, but they decide not to tell anyone, particularly Zoe just yet.
And that's just about that for this week, thank goodness. (There's been more heart rending emotion than a night out with CP and Ruth).
Glenda :-)
In a few hours time I'm off on me jollies to the Lake District for a week. Might sound boring to some who's idea of a holiday is a week in Madjorca or largin' it in Ibiza, or those other hot and sunny places full of English people out of their brains on cheap beer, etc. I wouldn't know, I'm too old and boring for a holiday of that type; I'm sitting here wearing a woolly cardi and Wallace and Grommit socks for goodness sakes. My idea of "largin' it in the house" is a night indoors doing the decorating. Anyway, I've never been to the Lakes before, so am naturally excited about it. The car's packed, the cool box full of beer and the picnic blanket folded on the back seat of the Honda. My sheepdog and the cat are staying with Betty down the road - she's an old doddery spinster who'll feed them both chocolate drops all week, I fear. I've had a haircut, bought a new toothbrush and Marks and Sparks knickers and I'm ready for the off. Which means that I'm leaving next week's update in the very capable hands of my mate Ruth. Now, Ruth is a charming woman, and I'm sure she'll do a fine update in my absence as long as she sobers up. Ruth is, in fact, the female version of Father Jack. Seriously though, Ruth is a fascinating woman and you can find out more about her at her web page: http://www.dur.ac.uk/~dlc4rjc (non-academic page) and/or http://www.dur.ac.uk/~dlc4rjc/lib.html (academic page). (BTW: it's taken me half an hour to write this week's prologue. Not due, as usual, to the fact that I keep stopping for beer or wine refills, but that I'm having freshly cooked food brought to me every few minutes with a "try this" and "taste that" - but who's complaining?!). Anyway, on with this week's update, and I'll see you all the week after next.
Just when we thought we were off the emotional rollercoaster that is Coronation Street, we're thrown straight back on again when Jim McDonald ends up in a coma! Liz talks Steve into offering Jim a job as he's down on his luck and drinking too much. Jim goes to the building site where Steve works and tells him to stuff his job; he can keep his offer of a job, so he can. He doesn't need his son to get work for him, so he doesn't. Steve and Jim argue on the scaffold and start fighting, and then Jim falls backwards off the scaffold into a skip full of rubble. He's in hospital in intensive care and the doctor warns Liz that even if he does regain consciousness, he might end up with brain damage. Steve tells Liz, the doctor and the police that Jim had been drinking on the day of the accident, but as I wasn't paying much attention, I don't know if this was true or not.
Against Gary's wishes, Judy tells Zoe that she's pregnant. Now poor Zoe, she's going through the trauma of losing her baby, and although Judy tells her about the pregnancy hoping it will help Zoe, it does just the opposite. The poor girl really is going through hell and this only made the situation worse. Even Fred knows this, as he replaces a £20 note in the corner shop till that he sees Zoe put in her pocket. He tells Ashley to keep an eye on Zoe, and not to let her use the till while she's helping out in the shop, but he doesn't apportion blame, I say, he doesn't apportion blame. Later, Emily tells Zoe she says a nightly prayer for Shannon and this is too much for Zoe. Everyone is on eggshells around her and she's had enough, she just snaps. Unfortunately, she snaps at Emily, and chucks a mental (as they say in Australia). Gary Mallett runs out of the Rovers just in time to stop Zoe from doing something to Emily's plastic rainhat that she might have regretted.
Vera is so concerned that Jack has made no effort to stop smoking, sot she makes him an appointment to see a hypnotherapist, Magenta Savannah. Jack's healthy living plan isn't making much headway as he's still on his fry-ups and still smokes like a chimney. Vera has an idea to turn the Rovers into a non-smoking pub, but the only two customers who agree with her are Alma and Ken, so Alec knocks that idea on the head. Jack takes to smoking a pipe and wonders if he should ask Spider for some of the herbal tobacco he offered, but Martin advises him against it! Unfortunately for Jack, his little pipe ends up smashed to pieces when Vera gets her hands on it.
Alma goes to see Deirdre and asks her outright if she's having an affair with Mike. Deirdre is aghast, she tells Alma there's nothing going on between them at all and swears on the memory of her dead husband, Samir, and the sheds a few tears. "If he was alive today, none of this would have happened." weeps Deirdre. Ah yes, pet, but if he was alive today, you wouldn't have a storyline. Mike asks Deirdre to work for him at the factory, but Deirdre tells him that while she's grateful for all he's done for her, she doesn't want to accept any more from him if Alma, and other folk are going to think the two of them are having an affair. To save face, Mike tells Alma that he has decided not to employ Deirdre in case she gets too dependent on him, and Alma tells Ken. So it looks like Mike wanted to steam up Deirdre's specs, after all.
Janice Battersby is back on the Street after tending to her sick mother, and isn't best pleased to be introduced to Greg, Les' son. She has a go at Les and tells him he should have rung her at her mothers to give her this news, not spring it on her in the Rovers, and storms out, telling Les to "Get Stuffed." Les turns to Greg, "She likes you, I can tell!". Typical bloke, agh! (No1)
Typical bloke, agh! (No2) Des and Nat are being all smarmy and flirty with each other, it makes my skin crawl, it really does, the pair of them together. Nat says she doesn't want Samantha to find out what's going on as she is a) her colleague and b) her house mate. Nat is what I like to call "a man's woman" which is basically the polite name for an old tart really.
And that's it for this week. Not a very exciting week at all. In fact, I've only used up half the space in my notebook that I usually need for a week's worth of hubble, bubble, toil and trouble that is Coronation Street.
See you the week after next.
Glenda ;-)
