I really like doing the shopping at Morrisons every week. Do you know why? They have the largest range of real ale beers I've seen in a supermarket and, well, we all love a bargain don't we... they're selling 4 bottles of any real ales for the price of 3! Yes, I know - Free beer! Wahey!. That's why you find me here now drinking a bottle of Blackberry wheat ale So if you like decent beer, get yourself off to Morrisons now for your Old Farts and Snecklifters a.s.a.p. I was listening to "The Best of the Cure" as I started typing this but Sophie (the dog) started reacting badly to the drum beat, and kept menacing the stereo so I've had to turn it off. And so, I've opened my big blue note book, and off we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
Dear ITV Television
What on earth do you think you're doing with Spider? He's gone all soppy and I don't like it at all. You bring him on the street, all grubby and mysterious, Corra's first new-age man, trying to stick to his principles (finishing with Log when he found out she'd eaten a bacon sandwich) and all that. So what's going on now? Where is the Spider we all (especially me) know and love? He's gone soft in t'head, he has. His brain has been addled by that Lorraine from the Rovers. Apart from some inspired nightclub dancing this week (and I can only imagine it was inspired by a couple of pints of snakebite and one of his herbal cigarettes) I really am disappointed with the way my favourite character has behaved this week. I mean, we even see him with his shirt off in one scene, and it was only my dog (who knows no better, she does it when Terry Wogan comes on) who went up to lick the TV screen. So, here's why I'm so disappointed. Curly walks in the Rovers to find Lorraine and Spider snogging. Yes, snogging. I mean, what would someone like Spider really see in someone like Lorraine? I reckon he's much more likely to be attracted to someone, oh, let's say just for argument's sake and off the top of my head - tall, brunette, early thirties, writes the weekly updates, lives in Durham... anyway, you get the picture. So they're snogging one episode and the next they're out doing the grocery shopping together, then they're nightclubbing and then she (the TART!) even gets to stay overnight with Spider while Aunty Em is away on holiday. Toyah and I, well, we're incensed. It beggars belief, it really does. Toyah can't quite understand what's going on either, and I had to agree with her when she blamed it on the fact that men, all men, have a "Barbie doll mentality". Indeed. So let's see Spider dump the blonde bimbo and take up with someone less "Pam Anderson" and more "Pam Ayres", like er.. me.Yours sincerely, Distraught of Durham P.S. I'm vegetarian too (sometimes)
Anyway, the rest of the events on the street go something like this.
Hayley starts at the factory as a seamstress and she's a little nervous about meeting the girls there, so she takes in a large bag of humbugs to share with her workmates. Hayley is so quick at her work that she has the other girls wondering what she's up to. Ida Clough is loudest in voicing her mistrust at Hayley, wondering if she's a spy for Baldwin. Hayley soon wins them over after offering to do the other girls' work for them, and feels she's getting on okay with them, fielding questions from them in the Rovers about Roy. When one of the girls tells her that she thinks Roy is weird, Hayley defends him immediately. "Roy is lovely!" she says, and heads up and down the country nodded in agreement. Roy makes Hayley a packed lunch for her first day but she goes to the Rovers with the girls instead, and Roy is a little nervous about making sure that Hayley fits in at the factory. He could just be concerned for her welfare of course, but perhaps he's concerned that she doesn't reveal her past now that the two of them are beginning to be seen as a couple.
Alec plucks up the courage to speak to Rita, and confides to her that he loves her and asks if he can marry her. This is such a sweet scene, Roy Barraclough (Alec) has tears in his eyes and it was just a wonderful scene. I wanted so much for Rita to just accept his proposal and for them both to live happy ever after, but instead, Rita turns to him and says "Marriage is not just about love.. " then she paused and I actually said aloud (as I do, sometimes) "It's about trust". "It's about trust" continued Rita. "And I don't trust a single bone in your body." Alec leaves, crestfallen to say the least. Anyway, he goes back to see Rita some days later and they have a nice chat, with both of them agreeing to leave their friendship as it is at the moment but if anything should happen, well, que sera and all that. However, the next day, Rita can't remember saying anything about this and is annoyed with Alec for telling Ken and Leanne that he and Rita are "an item". Rita starts having some problems trying to remember who's said what to her, why and when. The episode with the carbon monoxide poisoning seems to have done some lasting damage. She ends this week sobbing in Alec's arms, terrified that she is losing her mind.
Greg and Sally. Groan. I'm not even going to try with this one. Bed, sex, lies to Kevin. Greg entertaining both Sally and Maxine while Sally worries about Maxine and Maxine worries Greg has someone else (but doesn't know who). As the mother of him indoors said to me on Friday night "What on earth would any woman see in a bloke who wears a burgundy shirt AND tie with a navy jacket, and who has no taste in bed linen or wallpaper?" It's obvious Greg is after Sal's money, but she feels guilty and wants to give Kev the money to buy Nat out of the garage. A solicitor's letter arrives and the garage deal is almost done - will Greg get his hands on Sally's spondoolicks before Kevin does? Who cares?
The absolute star of the show this week has been Toyah. Suffering while watching Spider make a fool of himself with Lorraine, she buys a teen magazine "Only 16" from the Kabin, to read the article "Top 10 tips on how to nail your man." She follows Spider and Lorraine to the nightclub and bumps into them both in the supermarket, but apart from making Lorraine a bit bad tempered, it doesn't really change anything. Spider just thinks of her as a mate. Toyah reads more of the article which advises her to look sexy by looking at her man through lowered eyelids. She practises this in the mirror and it reminded me of my youngest brother, Chris, who I found one day standing next to a mirror with his eyes closed when he was 6 years old. "I'm trying to see what I look like while I'm asleep" he said. Mind you, this was also the brother who thought a gang show song was named after him when we were kids. "Listen, he said, they're singing about me... 'We're riding along on a Christopher wave and the sun is in the sky... ". He's 28 now and still just as mad. Anyway, Toyah gets all dolled up in white flowing clothes and Les' leather waistcoat and tries to seduce Spider but he's not interested, especially when Lorraine enters the room, fresh from the shower with only a towel hiding her indignancy. TART! Toyah continues with her studies in Ken's front room, she's making progress, slowly. Ken tells her he's pleased she's reading something, anything, even the trashy "Only 16" magazine she brings with her. Toyah tells him the magazine is naff, and Ken coaxes out of her the reasons why she thinks it's terrible, gets her to write a letter to the editor asking to include articles on kick-boxing and quad bikes, and then Ken posts the letter off to the magazine. "I'm impressed" Ken tells her. "And I'm impressed with you" she says "You're much better than you were at school!".
Curly is having a bit of a dilemma. He's downcast that Lorraine has gone off with Spider and feels he's not projecting the right sort of image. He asks Alma how old she thinks he is, and she guesses he's 40 (he's only 35). Curly complains in the Rovers that his life is like a vortex where nothing ever happens (perhaps he meant to say vacuum? as far as I know, a vortex is where lots of very turbulent things happen). Mike and Alma offer to join him for a drink "to take your mind off your sad and lonely life" says Mike, as if Curly needed reminding. Just when things look like they can't get any worse, a letter arrives from Racquel in Kuala Lumpur. She's met someone else, someone called Justin, and she wants a divorce.
And so, that's it for another week. Can't wait for Saturday when the football season starts, and I shall take up my newly appointed seat at the Sunderland Stadium of Light as a fully fledged season ticket holder. Wahey!
Glenda :-)
Ah, the British Summer, doncha just love it - the sun comes out and the lads get their kit off. Pasty white English beer bellies on show everywhere you look. I've been out in the garden since I came home from work, mowing and strimming, weeding and watering, spraying the dog with the hose pipe, cleaning the BBQ, picking the weeds out of the drive. And why? ( By the way, I'm listening to the Mamas and the Papas as I write this, a good friend sent the tape to me, old hippy that I am, and I'm sitting here listening to "California Dreamin'" as I write. But I'm not. California dreaming, that is). My house is up for sale and that's the reason I've been doing all the garden work this evening, I've got someone "coming to view" this weekend so the house is under strict orders to sparkle and shine and look inviting in a "buy me, buy me NOW" sort of way. My dog, Sophie, has been trained to sit in the corner of the kitchen and look cute and not to jump up and stick her tongue in the ear of prospective buyers. She has also been given a strict talking to that she must not, under any circumstances, start licking her rude bits when the viewees arrive. Him indoors has been told the same. So we're ready for you, Mr and Ms House-Purchasers. Come and do your worst.
Well, now that's out of the way, let's get on with this week's carry on, on the Street. Oh, hold on, forgot to mention that this week's update is being written whilst supping a Jennings Cumberland Ale in a lovely glass my friend Lynn bought me, and is accompanied by some French biscuit things that the couple formerly known as my in-laws brought me back from their holidays.
More bad news for Rita this week when the Kabin gets burgled. Unfortunately, Rita's confusion continues and she had actually left the keys to the Kabin in the door. Alec insists she sees her doctor, and she reluctantly agrees. The doc tells her to take a break from work and try to relax a little, and Alec shuffles her off to see Mavis in the Lake District for a few days. Back at the Kabin, Ken, Alec and Leanne hold the fort with Ken being somewhat miffed to be bossed around by Alec. Jack and Vera are wondering about Alec's friendship with Rita and wrongly assume that Rita is after the Rovers for herself and Alec.
Spider and Lorraine (TART!) have a party at Aunty Em's house. Toyah ends up drinking too much cheap cider and sees it all again for a second time when she brings it back up in a multi-coloured yawn all over Les' jacket. Les is at the party chatting up some young tottie called Lucy. Anyway, Curly has gone for a complete change of image and, well, personally I think he looks like a right prat, I really do. I suppose he could be considered fanciable if you're a big fan of 1980's Europop, it's that sort of look, outdated and a bit naff. Maxine (giving his new look her seal of approval - that's how bad it is) dies his hair blond, he spikes it, puts blue shades on, ear-rings, a leather jacket, fluorescent orange t-shirt and Rupert the Bear trousers. Not a pleasant sight, but he seems to think he looks okay, and so does Lorraine (TART!) who eyes him up at the party. Curly thinks he's in with a chance with this young Lucy tottie and offers to show her his telescope (don't believe him dear, they all say that), and goes off to set it up in his spare room. When he returns to the party, Les is chatting her up and they almost start fighting over her, until they both notice she's moved on and is flirting heavily with someone else.
In the Rovers, Fred wonders what he could do for the Millenium celebrations that would put Weatherfield, and his favourite lady councillor, on the map. "I know" he declares "we'll make the world's largest sausage!". After consulting the Guinness book of records, he soon changes his mind when he realises the sausage would have to beat the 28 mile one that holds the world record. Vera overhears Fred and Audrey flirting in the Rovers and tells Alf when he comes in to look for his wife. Alf catches Fred later and tells him to stay away from Audrey, and tells him to "... keep your sausage to yourself!".
Greg and Sally are excited at the prospect of being able to spend more evenings together, when Sally starts her "knicker parties", selling Underworld's undies by party plan. Kevin has a hard time, wondering what's going on with Sally and I started to feel sorry for him a bit this week, but when he went off with Natalie last year, things could never be the same again for them, we all knew it, didn't we? Greg talks Sally out of giving Kevin the money for the garage and Natalie is not best pleased that the deal's off. She presents Kevin with her solicitor's bill, which Sally says she will pay. Greg of course is just dying to get his hands on Sally's moolah, all 50,000 pounds of it which is in her own name in her own bank account. He suggests to her that if she and Kevin were to get divorced that she'd be better off withdrawing the money from her account so Kevin wouldn't be entitled to half of it. Sally thinks Greg is looking out for her, and of course he's after the money himself. Nevertheless, Sally and Greg go off for a little knicker party of their own while Kevin stays at home with the girls.
Toyah's letter is printed in "Only 16" magazine, and she's thrilled to bits to win a tenner and the chance to write a 500 word article for 50 quid for the magazine. With Ken's help, she puts together an article about how old people shouldn't try to emulate young 'uns and how they shouldn't try to copy their clothes. Ken doesn't think much of the article, assuming that Toyah is writing about him, so he's quite relieved when she tells him it's about Curly. Toyah needs a computer to use to write her article and Curly finally agrees to let her use his.
At Baldwin's factory, Hayley gets her wage packet but she's still paying tax on the emergency tax code. Mike tells her it's because of a computer error, that the tax office records show her as "Harry" but he's sure it'll get sorted out soon. He goes home to Alma, joking that Hayley is called Harry. Alma assumes that Mike knows that Hayley actually was Harry, so she tells Mike about Hayley's past and Mike doesn't quite know what to say. "Flippin' Ada!" he says, eventually. Now that he knows about Hayley, it changes Mike's attitude towards her, and he tells Alma he's going to sack her. Alma invites Hayley to the flat for lunch and confesses what's she told Mike. Hayley is worried that Mike will tell others but Alma gives her assurance it won't go any further. Hayley then confides in Roy about what's happened, and he's worried too - but for who? His own sake or Hayley's?
And that's all for this week folks but if anyone is interested in buying a 4 bedroom detached house in a semi-rural location, carpets and blinds included, email me now... :-)
Glenda :-)
Bit of a change this week. I have a very special guest here who is going to dictate this week's update and I'll type it. Let me, ladies and gentlemen, introduce my mother! Mrs Joan Emily Young (age 58). Now, I'm not a bad typist at 70wpm but the problem is me mam can talk at 300wpm so I may have some trouble keeping up with her. But a little about the lady herself first. Well, here she is in all her glory, me mother, Joan. She looks a lot like me, just a bit more shrivelled. She's a mother and grandmother, worked all her life until a few years ago and now she sits at home and knits, shops, looks after the grandkids and calls herself a lady of leisure. She's even wearing her Rita Sullivan-esque sequinned t-shirt for the occasion. She can't actually see what I'm typing as she can't see the computer screen so I can add a few comments of my own as I'm typing her narrative. I'm going to try to keep as faithfully as I can to her spoken words, but where I can get a word in edgeways I'll add my own little comments (in brackets so you know it's me). Anyway, on with this week's Coronation Street update.
"Can I have some of that wine pet? Cheers. Do you do this every week then? Do you get paid? They can't see me can they on this internet thing? Is there a camera somewhere, is there? Can they hear me? Right, okay, no need to get stroppy pet, I'll start in a minute. Just want to have a bit wine, relax a bit, remember what's been happening this week. Notes? No, I didn't do any, you never said to write notes. Do you ever dust in here pet? This wine's nice mind, isn't it? Yes, okay, okay, where should I start?"
"Roy, well, I think he's a bit odd like, but harmless enough isn't he. Hayley well, she's a bit different". (Me: What do you think about a transsexual in a soap opera, mam?) Well, we're all God's creatures aren't we, he loves us all pet, doesn't matter what colour, what shape, live and let live, that's what I say. Anyway, Mike sacks Hayley and the factory girls threaten to go on strike, Ida Clough eggs them on, she remembers what it was like when being in a union meant something, a bit of power, up the workers. They keep asking Hayley why she's been sacked but no one will tell them. Mike tells Hayley she has to tell the girls something (the truth?!) to get the girls off his back, they're giving him a hard time about the sacking. Ah yes, Roy cancels his holidays 'cos he wants to be with Hayley if she decides to tell the girls the truth about her past, and calls himself Hayley's "significant other". He's a nice bloke, aah, isn't he? Bit odd though. Alma nags Mike to give Hayley her job back and in the end, he gives in, but Hayley tells him she isn't sure she wants to go back. Serves him bloody well right. Can I say things like 'bloody'?
Ah, Rita Fairclough, what? Sullivan? I know, but she'll always be Rita Fairclough to me. Do you want me to do this my way or not? Anyway, she's back from visiting Mavis in the Lakes and writes down things in her diary so she doesn't forget what she's up to. That Battersby bloke, who? right, Les, takes advantage of her in the shop when he pretends he's given her a £20 note and it was only a tenner. He's a bad 'un. Alec sees what's happened and assumes Rita is confused again so gives Les a tenner outside in the street to cover Rita's "mistake". Vera tells Rita about Alec and Rita loses her temper with Alec about it but goes in the Rovers later to apologise. Mind you, Alec's a bit cheesed off by this time, so he doesn't really want to speak to her. He's a good actor that Alec bloke, isn't he, used to act with Les Dawson, you know, didn't he.
Now that Sally and whatshisname, that's a bit daft now, isn't it. I don't really like it at all. Can I have another glass of wine pet? Do you mind if I smoke? Are you sure you're eating properly girl? You don't half look pasty you know. Oh, I knew I had something to tell you, that girl you were friends with at school, the one that used to flirt with the teacher, remember? She's just had another baby, that'll be three now she's got. Anyway, Sally's got that lovely bloke at home, the one with the 'tash, what? who shaved it off? did she? Well, him that had the 'tash anyway, he's a good bloke, solid, got his own garage, good worker, good looking lad like that, and his missus carrying on with that other bloke with them two bairns at home too. It's a funny carry on that one, I don't like it. Oh yes, anyway, Maxine goes to Greg's flat and she's just coming out when Sally runs in with a bottle of wine but she's even too blonde to put two and two together with that staring her in the face. Sally runs after Maxine and makes sure she's alright, she's convinced that Greg is seeing someone else but doens't know who it is. It's all a bit daft isn't it, really? And them knicker parties Sally is supposed to be doing, she's not doing it at all, she's up there with Greg in his flat isn't she? Him with the 'tash was in tears wasn't he, crying for Sally to love him and all that, and she's carrying on, well, I don't think it'll end happily, for anyone. These things never do. When you marry someone, that should be that. It was always enough in my day.
Now then, Curly, well, he's a lovely lad isn't he, I mean, he's really canny and he's got a good job, solid, and good looking but he looks a right wally in this new gear he's wearing now. Anyway, Toyah writes an article about him on his computer and he finds it by mistake and reads it, and he's really upset that people think he looks a bit daft in his new get up. Poor lad. He tells Toyah off, anyway and Les tells Toyah she should be more ruthless as a writer, and advises her to go for the "juggler". That's what he said, wasn't it? The juggler? Balls in the air! ha ha! He's really not having a good time of it, poor lad, is he? His boss, who? oh yes, Eric Firman tells him he's sold the company to an American firm called Freshco and although he tried to save Curly's job, it looks like he's going to be out on his elbow, poor lad.
Is that it then pet? What else happened? I can't remember anything else really, can you? Are we finished now then? What do you do now, can I see the internet work now? I've got about 10 minutes or so then I'd better go and get your dad's tea on, he'll be in any minute now. Can you drop me off at George's on the way back home pet, I'll get me lottery ticket. (Me: Is there anything you want to say to the thousands of people who'll be reading your words, mam, all over the world?) Errr.. haway the lads, let's have a win on Saturday, against, er, who're we playing? Tranmere, that's right, and happy birthday to Glenda for your birthday on Sunday when you'll be, what - how old? Bloody hell! Can I say bloody hell?
Glenda :-)
Firstly, me mam would like to thank all of the people who wrote to her after last week's update. There's no talking to her now of course, not now she thinks she's famous after all these emails she's been receiving. She's taken to swanning round the house wearing gold spangley ear-rings, and asks me dad to "Bring a tray of mixers up and change the barrel, Jack". It's all too much, it really is. Anyway, she's asked me to specially reply to the following people: To Betty in Vancouver - the secret of good Yorkshire puddings is plenty of pepper. To Freda in London - don'y worry, pet, it takes a few years but the menopause does end, eventually. and To Bill in New Zealand - don't bother descending the volcano, pet, I'm a married woman. Thanks also for all of the birthday wishes you sent me. Anyway, without further ado, here is this week's Coronation Street weekly update.
Hayley goes back to work at the factory and thinks she should tell the girls the truth about why she was sacked. Both Mike and Alma advise her to keep quiet, with Mike warning "....these aren't Guardian readers you know, they're going to think you're a weirdo, just a bloke in a frock". In the Rovers, Hayley plucks up the courage to tell Janice and Ida the truth about her past. Audrey bursts in on their conversation, making Hayley realise that these back-street Weatherfield women wouldn't understand what she's been through, and decides to keep quiet after all.
Vera's still wondering what Alec is up to, spending all his time away >from the Rovers. She's convinced there's plans afoot for him and Rita to buy the Rovers, casting her and Jack out onto the street. Jack, Vera and Alec have a meeting in the back room at the Rovers and Vera tells Alec he's being paid less this month due to the fact he's spent most of his time helping out in the Kabin when he should have been working behind the bar. Alec isn't best pleased and storms out in a huff. He's not in the best of moods anyway, having just proposed to Rita (again) only to be turned down (again). Jack advises Vera to apologise to Alec, which she does, blaming the situation on "women's troubles" (the only trouble women have, Vera, is men), and she gives him the rest of the wages he's owed Anyway, Alec tells Vera he'll be happy to receive the rest of the £20,000 that she and Jack need to buy him out of the Rovers.
Sally does her knicker party in the back room of the Rovers. As is usual with a group of women and a few bottles of cheap plonk, the talk turns saucy. Janice admits that the closest she and Les ever came to joining the Mile High Club was when they did it on the top deck of the No8 bus, when it was parked in the station! Maxine bores everyone to tears with tales of her sex life with Greg and of course, Sally is incensed to hear about it. Greg and Sally chat in the Rovers about the knicker party and I just about threw up when Sally asked Greg to "de-brief" her. Greg comes up with an idea. If Sally were to convince Kevin that he was still in love with Natalie, then that would leave Sally, guilt-free, to be with Greg. This plan doesn't entirely work, but still, by the end of this week, Kevin has had enough and has packed his bags and left, after Sally refuses to sign the bank loan document. Before he leaves, Kevin takes a photo of the girls with him. Mind you, a photo of the back of the girls' heads might have been more appropriate for him to remember his kids, as that's the only camera angle we see them at these days, leaving the table and running out of shot. (Even so, little Sophie must surely win an award as the cutest child on TV right now). So, this leaves Sally and Greg free to run amok with each other's hormones for the time being until Greg can get his hands on her dosh.
Toyah, bless her, gets a rejection letter from "Only 16" magazine after sending in her second article. Now, anyone who has ever received a rejection letter from a magazine, a publisher, or even a nasty note from the milkman, will know the pain involved. Mind you, Toyah takes it to heart just a tad too much when she rings the magazine, pretending to be from an animal liberation activist thing and tells them she's planted a bomb in their offices. The police call round to see Les and Janice later and they're horrified to hear their Toyah has been making hoax phone calls. Les gets Toyah a laptop computer from his mate Charlie, but Toyah is so depressed she tells Les she doesn't want the computer, telling Les ...it was probably stolen anyway". "Don't talk to your dad like that" shouts Janice. "He's not my dad" she replies, and storms off to her room, only to come down later when Janice demands to talk to her daughter. Toyah tells her about the rejected article and has a bit cry about being thick, and that. Quite a touching scene.
At Freshco (previously Firman's), Curly is all a twitter when he hears that Mr Freshco himself (call me Al, Al Freshco) might be in the store, working undercover pretending to be a customer. So, when Alma finds a Yank customer, they assume it's the new boss and give him the works, an accompanied tour around the store, the offer of a lift home etc. Obviously, it's not the new boss, just a very bemused American person, tickled pink to think he's met a true British eccentric in the form of Curly Watts. Anyway, Curly gets to meet his new area manager for Freshco - and it's none other than the ice lady psychopath, Anne Malone. Alma doesn't understand why Curly is so upset about having Anne as his boss until he reminds Alma that it was Anne who harassed Curly and then got him into trouble for harassing her. So, he has that to deal with, then Anne springs on Curly the fact that under her new fascist regime, some of his staff, including Alma, have to be made redundant and poor Curly is the one who has to sack them. Something's not quite right about Anne though, she still has that maniacal gleam in her eyes, and when she tells Curly about her lovely boyfriend, Simon the Solicitor who she's going to have lots of babies with, you know she's probably still a tatey short on her plate, and still not quite the full picnic.
Anyway, that's it for this week.
Glenda :-)
