It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in charge of a Post Office must be in want of a dinner companion. So it was that Mr Cole enquired of Mrs Bishop whither she might be bound. 'Why Sir, to town to see if aught I' the gown shop present itself as seemly for our tryst' 'Nay nay, Mrs Bishop, such matters should not be left to chance'
Or something like that.
Meanwhile Linda has another go at Dreary, prompting Edna to blow her cover and reveal she was Ken's informant. While she's in the mood, Edna goes on to describe Linda as a trollop with a taste for posh cars and tarty clothes. Fag-ash Lil is none too pleased and later prompts Mike to sack Edna, ostensibly for poor work. Edna looks in vain to 'The Gurrls' for support.
Meantime Nastily is doing the windows at the Rovers while Vinnie boasts of his new Company Car. Well, she does half a window and goes inside to slip into something less comfortable, thus missing the arrival of the Company Car or Transit Van as we call them. Whatever happened to the Weatherfield Window Cleaner wars? Why is Gareh being deprived of his livelihood?
Little Kev returns home and accepts the new role for Dennis but has decided against selling his share to Jim
Martin Gail and David set off for the animal shelter. David would like a Rottweiler. Gail rules out 'Anything stupid or anything big'. So how come she married Martin? They come back with Barney the Rabbit. David immediately wants to breed with it (well, not personally) but Martin rules out the idea until baby rabbits are worth as much as baby greyhounds.
Doreen turns up, reconciled with Geoff and ready to take Tommeh home.
Norris's Dinner Party begins with an invitation to the guests to guess what is in his filou parcels. Anthony suggests seafood, soya, a touch of saffron and polenta. Norris is miffed and retires to the kitchen where he accidentally flambes himself instead of the crepes.
After the party, Ant takes Reet home. And then his thrusting tongue penetrated the warm pink defences of her gentle mouth and searched urgently for the means to satisfy his burning longing. Well, perhaps not. But they do share a kiss.
Dougie gets Vinnie to evict a tenant behind with his rent. Toyota lives opposite and is unimpressed with the whole business. Little does she know Crusher is planning to evict all tenants in due course to 'upgrade' the flats (and upgrade the rent, naturally)
Fred bribes Audrey with a hat to go to Mike's wedding with him. Audrey insists on St Alma's blessing which the mascara-ed one happily gives - how else will she hear all the gossip?
Betty Love warns Nastily she is fed up with cleaning. On cue, Edna appears and is offered the job. She accepts, on the basis that she wouldn't want it on her conscience if Environmental health closed the Rovers down. And so Weatherfield 's premier hostelry acquires a cleaner who may pass into legend with Hilda Ogden. And with Natalie's talent for the meaningful look, Edna's talent for Eeyore imitations and Betty Love's talent for being aggrieved, there should be some treats in store
In the Kabin, as if by magic, the bookshopkeeper appears and invites Reet to lunch. She gives him the big E, not without a twinge of regret. Norris sets her straight. In the bookshop, as if by magic, the Kabin shopkeeper appears. Tonsil hockey ensues.
Emma confides in Curly she is applying to join the armed response team. Curly is underwhelmed at the thought of the fair Sergeant becoming a gunslinger.
Sally organises a birthday dinner for Kev. Danny is unhappy at the attention she gives her ex. He even refuses to join in singing Happy Birthday. Oooo-o-o-o-h! Later, he tells Sally he's showing Kev the Red card. A look from Sal and he hastily amends it to a Yellow card. But he thinks Sal is still obsessed with the diminutive mechanic.
Toyota has a go at Vinnie in the Rovers and Nat is also not impressed with his role as Ferguson's new knuckle crusher.
Anthony suggests Ken should look into being a Magistrate. Will the man who has been to bed with more women than Warren Beatty be Weatherfield's answer to Judge Dredd? He's certainly interested. Blanche is not impressed. Mind you, Blanche is wearing her new glasses with what she describes as a 'subtle fashion tint'. She looks like Ray Charles in Concert.
Mike arranges for Mark to come back and stay at the flat.
Gail and Martin are arguing. Danny and Sal are arguing. Sarah Lou and Gail are arguing. Mark and Linda are arguing. Edna argues with no-one, but points out she did such a good job at the Turk's Head she was commended for her work on the Art Deco in the Bogs.
The Underworld Gurrls are not happy at Linda's planned up-market hen-night at Delphines. Janice cons Geena via a five pound bet into changing Linda's mind. What will the new venue be? Dancing round the handbags? Knickers in the handbags? Grab-a-Granny night?
Seven of Nine gets her notice to quit from 'Hitler' Ferguson. Natalie offers her Leanne's old flat in the Rovers.
Danny is late for his date to take the girls swimming (which Sal had categorised as 'trying to get round me by schmoozing the girls' and predicted failure) to discover Sal has arranged for Kevin to take his place. Danny suspects Sal and Kev still have feelings, nothing more than feelings, for each other.
Steve goes out for a quiet game of Pool. Jez turns up. Will it be a duel? Eyebrows at ten paces? No, Jez is willing to forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones. Does Steve believe him? Does David Beckham think Cunnilingus is an Irish Airline?
This has been a JD production in Association with Glenda Young enterprises. If you liked it, let me know.
If you didn't, let Glenda know (she made me do it, she made me do it) --
John Dean, Oxford
Thanks to all for the feedback on last week's update. It was, and remains, welcome. Having taken your views on board I can announce that this week's offering contains *NEW ADDED COMPREHENSIBILITY* plus some jokes from the Mrs Dean. It's a bit longer than usual because there was a lot of incident and because one of the episodes was a one-hour special. And if you approve my style, could I ask my North-American chums to consider the request I make at the end?
So...
We begin with Linda and the 2 Baldwin men in her life (or Maak and Maaak as she calls them). Having, tautologically, described Leanne as a thief and a Battersby, Mike want's Mark's opinion on whether he can trust Linda on her hen night. We know the answer to that one, don't we boys and girls? After Mike has gone, Mark tells Linda he can hardly bear to look at her. And yet, strangely, he manages to. Although he looks as if he would like to rip her arms off and beat her senseless with the soggy ends. And not in a nice way either.
Sally springs the idea of a holiday on Danny. He congratulates her on having thought the thing through - the girls are now back at school, there's no-one to look after the shop and, oh yes, the bucket-load of money they have accumulated for their leisure time. Sally assures him Kevin will look after the girls. Imagine how pleased Danny is that Kevin's name has surfaced.
Vik ferries Toyah to the Rovers but refuses to help her and Geena with the heavy luggage on account of they might accuse him of sexism. He also makes it clear he is not frightened of a bunch of women on a hen night. Eileen can't make up her mind - is he brave or stupid? (We know, don't we.?)
Toyah throws her keys back at Vinnie who tries to insist on her giving a month 's notice. A cleavage enters the room followed by Natalie who adds to Vinnie's discomfiture by explaining Toyah is their new lodger. Against Vinnie's objections she insists Toyah is gobby but harmless.(she's half right, isn't she boys and girls?)
Deirdre asks Dev for the day off to go to the wedding. Devastating Dev gives her the OK, a smouldering look, and a meaningful wink. Deirdre jumps into the ice-lolly freezer to keep from melting away.
In the Rovers the hen-night starts with Linda being given the traditional daft frock and an L-sign, the Underworld girls sup champagne and Janice is keen to get at the cheap booze and cheap blokes. Their carriage awaits - Vik with a stretch limo.
Meantime Natalie lays down the rules for her new lodger. Toyah waits politely till she's finished and points out with a sweet smile that ''Our Leanne said you were a right cow but you're all right really''.
Mike and Alma have a heart to heart and she wishes him well.
On the hen night they're off with the tequila slammers. Hayley is last to finish and is dared to get a snog in 30 seconds. Linda volunteers to take her place and accosts a barman (after reminding him that's *her* gold card behind the bar) and even takes out her chewing gum before doing the deed - and they said she was a trollop!
Meantime Alma and Mark are having a heart to heart (not sure which part of ex-wife and ex-step-mum Alma doesn't get). She points out at least Linda is loyal to Mike. 'So why's she been sleeping with me?' Alma is shocked - 'Once, I could understand, but to keep doing it..'
Back at the hen-night Vik is trying to get the hens into the limo. Those in North America who had the pleasure of seeing the cat-herding commercial during the superbowl will have an idea what this is like.
Danny confesses he finds it difficult with Kevin around, but gives Sally a holiday peace offering - a bucket and spade. Smooth or what?
Next day Linda is nursing a queen-sized hangover. Mike tells her he likes the 'sexy but wrecked' look. (which, of course, is pretty much a no-brainer for la Sykes)
Sarah-Lou wants mum to babysit so she can go to the cinema with Candice (or even 'Candeeece') Gail points out she's had the baby all day and it's her turn to go out. Sarah sulks. Is she going to turn into John Shaft and be a bad mother..?
Sally tells Rita Kevin will be looking after the girls. Will Rita look after Kevin? Of Course. Sally manages to fit her essentials into 18 suitcases and they 're off.
Mike bumps into Alma carrying out the contents of the Kabin's magazine rack to read on her holiday flight. She bursts into tears as soon as his back is turned.
Steve the Taxi picks up an attractive young lady and offers to carry her shopping. She directs him to an underground car-park where Jez Quigley, the Evil Dr Fu-Man-Chester himself appears, with two rottweilers and a selection of minions, lackeys, hirelings and henchpersons. They set about Steve who follows Jez's advice to lie back, close his eyes and think of England. Then they set about the Taxi.
Gary and Paula have a day out with the kids, including lunch at Roy's Rolls with *extra chips*. Wow!
Hayley calls on Sarah-Lou and offers her services as babysitter 'anytime'. Sarah-Lou shoots out the door immediately - she has to 'borrow some books from a friend for a school project'
Mike goes round to see Alma. He thinks Alma is bitter about him remarrying. She doesn't disabuse him. Linda and Geena drink champagne in the bridal suite. Linda is sure she'll be all right with Mike. Geena asks will she be happy? No reply.
Meanwhile, on the floor of the car-park, the one actor who has been celebrated on ratucs throughout his Corrie career as being a triumph of the embalmer's art and a credit to the undertaking profession, known to generations of updaters as 'Cadaver Boy' is called upon to play dead. From where this reporter was sitting Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to say he didn't do it very convincingly.
And the credits roll in silence. As you will discover later in this update, Steve pulls through. So what a swizz to use the device that heralded the departure of such as Alf and Alison and Judy to con the audience. Boo, ITV.
Next day, the Police ring Eileen to tell her they've found Steve's cab wrecked on the Rusholt estate. (They say Rusholt, but we Mancs know what they really mean, eh Boys and Girls?) Vik and Jim go to look for Steve.
Linda is having her hair done when a parcel is delivered - sapphire earrings from Mike so she can have 'something blue'. No indication what she has that's borrowed, but clearly she's had something new (Mark) and will shortly be having something old (Mike). 3 out of 4 isn't bad.
Jim finds Steve and Vik calls the emergency services. The Doctor in ER asks Jim how Steve came by these injuries. Duh!
Meanwhile the guests begin to arrive at the wedding hotel. A strange woman wanders around playing violin. No one seems to notice her, no-one mentions her, she plays stuff no-one can identify (until the wedding when she gives us 'Here Comes the Bride'. Has there been a falling out with the Musicians' Union?
Janice tells Mark he's not losing a Dad, he's gaining a wicked stepmother. Ten minutes to W-hour and Mark goes out 'for some fresh air' and discovers Linda having a smoke (tailor-mades for once - going up in the world) All the old malarkey of 'I can't bear to look at you' and 'What we had is over' is tossed to the winds. Mark implores her to run away with him. She refuses. Mark hurls the wedding rings to the ground. A hobbit appears and picks them up (oh, sorry, wrong story).
Geena tells Mike that Mark is throwing up. Hayley diplomatically volunteers Roy for stand-in best man (lucky Roy put the V-neck pully on under his suit so he really looks the part - LOL). Mike asks Deirdre to make a note in his diary - make some new friends'. The bride and best woman appear and see Roy as best man, which at least puts the smile back on their faces. And so, in front of the Corrie cast in their posh duds (and an honourable mention to Rita who is wearing a hat that looks like a demented fruit-bat), Michael Vernon Baldwin and Linda Strumpet Sykes (OK, OK I made the middle name up) take their solemn vows.
Back at the hospital Steve's injuries are evaluated as 7 broken ribs, broken fingers, severe bruising and internal injuries. He manages to indicate to Jim that Jez was responsible. Jim ponders for many hours over what to do (only kidding) - Jim takes Vikram's car keys and heads round to Jez's flat...
Back in the Street, Gary and Paula have a mucky day in while Jack and Vera look after the kids. Though I have to say, for a couple who claim to have been having downright dirty, illegal in 48 states kind of sex for 5 hours, they look remarkably clean and tidy, not even a hair out of place. They agree they are in love and Gary will move in with Paula in Blackpool.
Roy now realises that the best man has to make a speech. Les offers him some blue jokes. Roy stands up. Hayley crosses her fingers. Roy starts outlining the difficulties Mike and Linda have had - 'First there was the age gap, then the idea of the well-to-do businessman marrying the lowly factory machinist.' Hayley is now watching through her fingers, as are myself and the Mrs Dean and the cats (who seem to have evolved fingers for the purpose) Will this be a disaster? No, it's a triumph. Roy explains he knows something about funny looks and raised eyebrows, and he would like to speak up for odd couples everywhere. Hayley's eyes are shining, 20 million viewers are sobbing into their cocoa. All we're missing are Charlotte Church singing 'Jerusalem' and Kenneth Branagh reciting All things counter, original, spare, strange; Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?) With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim; He fathers forth whose beauty is past change:
Meantime, back in Rusholt, Jim bursts into Jez's flat and provokes him into a fight. Jim has obviously thought this one through with his usual thoroughness, putting Jez into the same hospital as his ailing son and with even more reason to wish him harm.
Roy tells Hayley he sometimes feels guilty about keeping all her love to himself. 'Funny you should mention that..' Hayley wants them to have a baby. Roy's reaction is that it isn't possible. Hayley obviously decides to take her time about explaining the mechanics to Roy.
And Mike and Linda enter the bridal suite to find Mark has supped the contents of the mini-bar and trashed the room. He's even blown his nose on Linda's going-away outfit. Mike, loving father as he has always been, hits Mark a couple of times. Mark explains he and Linda were having sex on the factory floor an hour before Mike asking her to wed. And what did Mike think they were doing on the driving lessons.?
Mike drags Mark into the bathroom and gives him an impromptu shower. Don't ask me why. Don't ask me where Mark gets the dry shirt from either. Mike wants to know who else knows. Linda assures him, no-one outside this room. (heh heh) Mike wants to know how often they 'did it'. 'More than once?' (Again with the once is OK twice isn't rule, where did that come from?). Linda agrees she 'made a mistake' (or two or three or several dozen)
Gary and Paula ask Warren how he feels about Gary moving in. Warren is fine about it and wants to know what's for pudding. Gary agrees to put his house on the market. Vik keeps vigil by Steve's bedside. Jim turns up with scuffed knuckles and notes Steve is getting some colour back in his face (red and yellow actually)
Mark doesn't think it's possible to own people. Mike disagrees. 'Linda is MINE. And no-one messes with what's mine. Linda decides to soften the blow by explaining to Mike that 'It was just sex'. Surprisingly, this approach doesn't work. She explains 'All this was the old Linda. She's gone now. This is the new Linda'. I don't know about you, dear reader, but I find people who talk about themselves in the third person are extremely spooky. Mike isn't bothered. Mark admits he tried to get Linda to run away with him. He tells Mike Linda invented a story that Mike had 3 months to live, just to keep Mark in Weatherfield. Linda shakes her head pityingly. Mike makes his mind up. 'You 're no son of mine - get out'. Linda smiles her secret little smile. Eileen turns up at the hospital and suggests getting some grapes from the shop. Vik points out Steve is in no position to eat grapes. 'Never mind', chirps Eileen, 'I love them. I'll just pop to the shop'
At the bedside she cheerfully tells Steve he looks awful. She claims to have taken the day off as a mark of respect but admits it was quiet anyway. Vik sees Jez being wheeled down the corridor just as Steve is telling Jim the good thing about this is that it's all over. Jim has the grace to blush.
A new use is discovered for Rita's hat - it acts as a fly screen to keep insects off Anthony's face while he's whizzing her around the floor. Linda comes down and throws her bouquet. Geena catches it and drops it like a hot potato into Rita's arms, Rita hands it off to Audrey who passes it to Jeremy Guscott who scores ... whoops, wrong game.
The happy couple are driven off into the dull grey sky that passes for sunset in Weatherfield. Linda wants to know how she was? Mike says she almost fooled him. But we know there's no 'almost' involved, don't we boys and girls?
Finally, my request. Many years ago I heard a Canadian group on Brit TV singing a song called 'Dief will be the Chief again'. From the Internet, I find this must have been a group called Stringband. But I can't find the lyrics anywhere. So if anyone has the words to this hymn of praise to the great John Diefenbaker, I'd love to hear from you
No Blanches were harmed in the making of this update. See you next week
John Dean, Oxford
Following the example of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and out of respect for the Olympic tradition, the next two updates after this one will be delayed for a fortnight so as not to get out of sync with Canadian viewers. (Joke - it was a JOKE. Get that Caribou head off my pillow!)
Any Road Up. 'After the Lord Mayor's Show ..' was a favourite saying of the old folk when I were a lad, signifying a major anti-climax. So has this week turned out. Not because the standard has fallen, far from it, but because the previous week was such a knock-down drag-em-out blockbuster there has to be a period of consolidation and review. At least I didn't have to wear out another video tape constantly rewinding to make sure I'd got all the action. And I would like to modify my curmudgeonly remarks about Steve 'Cadaver Boy' MacDonald. Simon Gregson's portrayal of the wounded man recovering in hospital, only to learn that his Father had reignited the whole thing by attacking Jez when he thought it was all over, was first class. To business:
Janice reminds Dennis to remind Les the Battersby's anniversary is coming up but Les isn't interested. The Underworld girls are locked out ( and the boatman and the three-headed dog are mysteriously absent) until the handsome and enigmatic Harvey Reubin turns up to let them in. Karen immediately falls for him (Who *is* Karen? Where did she come from? Is she the new Gwen? The new Alison? The new Tiger the Cat?)
Edna has found an expensive ring in the Ladies and, having 'Honesty' like other people have flat feet, she hands it in.
Jim tells Natalie Jez has been at the receiving end of an Old Testament Resolution. Nat overhears Vik saying that the Avenging angel was Jim. She decides to visit Steve.
Gary has the estate agent round. they agree to offer the house for £28,500 (Reality sandwich - this is the kind of price you get this sort of house for in the North West. I scanned the Net for property in my old neighbourhood to confirm. Although a major selling point seems to be the presence of a full burglar alarm system. Sad but true. And a colleague of my wife's is looking to buy a B&B in Blackpool. Asking price? £40,000 for a seven-bedroomed house)
Jim visits Steve and breaks the news that Jez is down the corridor, courtesy of the MacDonald School of Urban Violence. Steve is horrified he's had his kicking for nothing.
Les tries to claim the ring from the Rovers. Toyah thwarts him but unwittingly gives him a good enough description for him to fool Betty and claim it. He takes it home in a matchbox and boasts to Dennis.
Sarah Lou and Candice (now apparently played by Sandra Bullock) want to go to a gig on Friday. Sarah is dubious about going. So Candice is, like, tell your Mam we have to review the band for the school magazine and Sarah is, like, she still won't let me go so Candice goes act miserable and cry a bit and Sarah goes what, like, Mum how am I supposed to have a normal life if I can't go out with my friends and Candice is, like, yeah that's brilliant. So when she asks Gail and Gail's initial reaction is 'No' she goes 'Aw, how am I supposed to have a normal life if I can't go out with my friends?', and Gail still refuses to babysit because she's going out with Martin.
Natalie finds she is not welcome at Steve's bedside so she goes to visit Jez (obviously scored a couple of smart pills off Jim). Jez tells her it'll be over when he says so.
Battersby Anniversary day and Les asks his 'lickle peckle' if she's ruined his breakfast yet. Ho Ho. He gives Janice the ring in a watch box (because the original box was damaged and he didn't have time to get it fixed). She is delighted, less so when he suggests she might be better off keeping it for best and not flashing it around in the Rovers. Meantime, we discover Sergeant Emma has lost a valuable ring - a graduation gift from Mum. 'University?' asks Roy. 'Police Training College' replies the feisty guardian of the law.
Sarah asks Hayley to babysit while they go to the gig. Hayley is delighted but later accidentally grasses Sarah up to Gail. Gail is v. frosty.
In hospital, Steve is roused from his slumber by a cheery 'wakey wakey'. Jez has come to visit and draws the curtains so they will be assured of privacy. I have to say, I knew exactly what was coming in this scene, boys and girls, and it still scared the pants off me. Lee Boardman has been one of the great OTT Corrie villains and will be missed. Hope his twin brother turns up next year for revenge. Anyway, the satanical one starts doing nasty things like pulling the tubes out of Steve's nose (ouch!) and preparing to make him more comfortable with a pillow over his face. Steve reaches for the alarm. Jez reaches to prevent him. What's this? Jez pulls a funny face (well, funnier than the regular one) and starts bleeding from the mouth. He collapses across the bed. Ooo-er.
Sarah comes home from school and picks up Bethany, displeasing Gail who's just put her down. They have an argument. Sarah insists she's entitled to decide what's best for her baby. Bethany, BTW, looks like a cross between Dan Dare's Mekon and the baby fathered by the computer on Julie Christie in 'Demon Seed'. Seriously scary, though she beams in amused fashion at Gail banging on.
At the Hospital, not knowing what is happening, Steve asks the nurse (you know, the one that isn't Martin and isn't Rebecca) how Jez is doing. 'Friend of yours?' she enquires. 'Best mates' says Steve, pointing out afterwards to a snorting Jim that saying they were enemies to the death wasn't going to get them information.
Hayley and Roy babysit. Hayley suggests Roy should read to Bethany. Roy picks up the paper, clears his throat, and begins 'Weatherfield Cricket Club once again succumbed to the pace bowling of the visiting side's Caribbeans.' Hayley, unpersuaded by his theory that it's the tone of voice rather than the content which matters, gives him the book of Nursery rhymes. Roy points out to Bethany (and Hayley, since she's there) that many Nursery rhymes originated as satirical commentaries on contemporary issues of the day, such as the Grand Old Duke of York. (Interesting to reflect that rhymes are still being written today about the Duchess of York.) Later Roy takes a snap of Hayley holding the baby. Then it's his turn. He asks Hayley to reassure him that, unlike dogs, babies can't smell fear. Little Bethany gazes up at him with shining eyes, clearly captivated. What with laughing at Gail and adoring Roy, Baby B is either a shrewd cookie or a smart little actress.
Janice and Toyah begin to pick up clues all is not well with the ring. Toyah gets a grip of Les and insists he take it back to the Rovers.
Having had a row about Martin not stopping Sarah from taking the baby to Hayley, they go out, vinegar-faced, for their evening together to the Rovers. Gail asks 'Why are we here?' 'Is this deep philosophical pondering, wonders Martin? Gail walks out.
Back in Intensive Care, the Nurse breaks it to Steve and Jim that Jez is deceased. He is no more. He is an ex-drug-dealer. Jim passes the news to Natalie while the Police start quizzing Steve.
Les returns the ring to Betty, pleading confusion because it was the same shape as the one Janice lost. 'Round?', enquires Betty. And a similar colour. 'Gold?'. But Toyah agrees they're not the same - her Mum's ring is much bigger.
Steve pushes Jim and Vik to get their story straight about Jez. Dev is worried about Vik and offers to lend him money to buy Steve out of the Taxi firm. He gives him keys to his flat 'In case you need to hide out'
Jack and Vera discover Eunice is selling the B&B. Jack wants Vera to se it as an opportunity. 'To do what? Walk the Streets?' 'We could relocate' 'Yeah, somewhere between the Red Rec and the Corporation Tip.'
Sarah and Candice pop to the Kabin leaving Bethany with David. When Gail and Martin arrive home Bethany is crying and David is in the Garden with Barney. Big argument when Sarah and Candice return and, again, Martin fails to back Gail up.
Meantime, Janice as good as accuses Dennis of taking her ring. Dennis starts packing his bags in a huff.
The Police visit Jim and remind him 'We never close murder files'. I have to say, as an ex-Civil Servant, this is bad bureaucratic practice. Open files are very difficult to carry around and fit back into the cabinets. If you close them they're much more manageable. Still, to each his own.
Jack sees Gary's 'For Sale' sign and is miffed Gary already has an offer and had told him nothing about it. Gary goes round to explain to Jack and Vera how events overtook him.
Martin and Gail have a further frank exchange of views. Gail points out that Sarah left a little baby on her own, crying. Martin admits that, put like that, it does sound bad. (Put like that it does sound bad? What is Martin smoking?) He asserts that Sarah left David in charge. Gail points out that David has problems looking after his rabbit. She is tired of Martin not being supportive. Is it because he doesn't really care?
Vik tells Jim at the garage he wants no part of the Jez business. Jim snaps at Tyrone. (I note Jim's overalls are blue but Tyrone's are red. This is bad news because, if they are beamed down on an alien planet (like Rawtenstall), Tyrone will be the first to be vapourised.)
In the Rovers Jim leaves his pint in revulsion when Les starts crowing about Jez's death. Les pinches the pint. Natalie tells him he's disgusting. Anthony compliments Rita on her new hairdo. (New? The Big Red Wig is still bright enough to toast cheese and still back-combed within an inch of its life. Although on closer examination, she is wearing it at a slightly more rakish angle.) He offers to cook and she invites him to her place as she would feel uncomfortable at his.
Curly gives Emma a new ring to replace the lost one. But Edna turns up and gets Toyah to produce the one she found in the toilets. Emma has never seen it before in her life (kidding, only kidding) Emma is delighted to get her ring back. Edna is emboldened to share her philosophy of relationships - 'You start off sinking into his arms and end up with your arms in the sink'. Janice turns up and the Ring Saga reaches it's denouement. Janice puts on the Helmet with Horns and blonde pigtails and sings Ride of the Valkyries. Well, not quite, but she threatens Les with divorce.
Jim is feeling remorse and Natalie gives him a stern talking to - what he did to Jez was justice. And to emphasise that he should put violence behind him she clouts him.
Roy an Hayley have an earnest discussion about having their own child through fostering or adoption. Hayley is keen, Roy can't face the problems they will have and, especially, is mortified at the thought he won't be able to protect Hayley.
After their meal. Anthony tells Rita he can't tell her what these last few weeks have been like. 'What,', she says, 'meeting someone who talks posh like what I do?' (I tell a lie.) Any way, Rita suggests Anthony stay the night and he happily accepts.
Jim turns up at the Police Station smartly dressed in Regimental blazer and all and informs the Desk Office he has information about the murder of Gerald Quigley. Said information being 'I did it'.
And there my tale ends. I have enjoyed the last three weeks immensely. I have had great fun getting Emails from so many of you and hearing what you think of my efforts. And I have learned that doing updates is a much harder job than I realised.
So Big Up and Welcome Back to Glenda.
Hello folks, here I am back from holiday, all relaxed and happy after a truly wonderful time. It was a holiday in which I learned many things, but especially useful will be the knowledge of how to volatise my esters (and between you and me, I don't think life will ever be the same again). A million thanks to John Dean for looking after the updates in my absence, I'm sure you will agree he did a sterling job. And for those of you with a Palm Pilot or similar device, you might want to check out this website from which you can download the weekly updates straight onto your new fangled gadgetry: http://www.mediageek.net/television.html. Thanks to Steve Mercer for offering this service. And so, without any further ado, but with a bottle of Landlord and some cheese lumps, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
It's the morning after the night before and Anthony is still in Rita's flat, crikey. It does appear that it's been all innocent tea-drinking and a spot of Radio 4 but Rita is still keen for him to leave asap before he's spotted by the factory girls going in to work. Rita's got a new hair do this week, it's sort of like the old hair-do, just flatter, thankfully.
Janice apologises to Dennis over Les and the ring fiasco. She tells Les he's 'pond life' and that she's never going to speak to him again. Again. However, when Dennis finds out that Les has had a win on the horses, he shames Les into buying a bottle of champers and making up with Janice in the Rovers. Dennis is brilliant, he really is.
After turning himself in last week, Jim's now resigned to a life in prison for manslaughter despite a visit from Steve begging him to change his plea and a visit from Natalie offering him the £10k reward money for a decent barrister. This offer is causing friction between Natalie and Vinny, who can't quite believe what's going on. But no matter what anyone else says, Jim is determined to take it like a man. "I'm going down, so I am".
Jack and Vera start looking for somewhere else to live for the pair of them, Tyrone and Monica. The pressure's really on now that a prospective buyer's expressed interest in the B&B already.
Over at the garage, Kevin needs a new mechanic now that Jim's in the big house. He's having to turn down work on cars but Dennis tells him it's only bikes he's good with, he's no good with four wheels, but he knows a bloke who is. Remember Sexy (and I use that word very loosely indeed) Sam the Stripper? It's him. Cue the grease covered muscles and a tiny mind.
Things are tense in the Platt household this week. Martin declares a 'family day' which includes plenty of shouting, tears and divorce mentioned before teatime. And as you'd imagine, Audrey has her tuppence worth, telling Martin he's "a selfish, pathetic man". As the warring couple fight it out in the back garden, David pops out to look after the rabbit: "I hope you're not frightening Barney!". Bless him, along with Tyrone, Eileen and Norris, that kid lights up the screen every time he has a scene. Anyway, Martin feels Gail is moving too quickly. Divorce? They need to sit and talk, they can't go rushing into life changing decisions like this. But Gail stands firm. "I need to be loved, Martin. If you can't love me, let me go". Things get so tense there this week that Sarah Lou takes to leaving home with the baby, marching all the way around the corner to stay with Roy and Hayley and it's left to Audrey to talk her into moving back home.
Whilst buttering barm cakes earlier this week, Roy had told Hayley he wasn't ready to have a child, but after seeing how Hayley coped with Sarah Lou and the baby staying with them, he can see how much Hayley wants to be a mother, and finally agrees to go through the adoption process. He decides to start filling in the forms with his fountain pen, to lend an air of respectability to the matter, but he's worried for Hayley, not yet knowing how the law stands in their search for a child.
Fred decides he's going to become a magistrate and wonders how lenient he could be with letting off fellow square dealers on minor speeding charges while Rita reminds him of civic duty and the law. It's the Peacocks first wedding anniversary and Ashley prepares his missus an anniversary breakfast and presents a set of golf clubs wearing pink fluffy covers to Maxine wearing her pink fluffy jim-jams. Fred, proud as ever of his son, presents him with the keys to the 'Elliot and Son' butcher's shop on Victoria Street: "Lock, stock and two chest freezers".
However, Ashley doesn't forget his mate Gary, who's also remembering events from one year ago, it's the first anniversary of Judy's death. In a tear jerking scene, Gary takes the twins to Judy's grave and tells her he's going to live in Blackpool so won't be able to visit so often but that she'll always be in his, Rebecca and William's hearts, always.
While Mike and Linda are off on their honeymoon (one assumes), Harvey is looking after things at the factory and Karen's straight in there. Taking lessons from Linda, obviously, she gets her legs out and starts flirting with the boss. Bobbi's not best pleased, she fancies him herself.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda :-)
