I'm back! Just like Freddie ..!! Can't claim it's by popular demand - more to do with Glenda needed some time off to take her empties back to Threshers or something. I confess in advance to a certain exuberance in the style. If there are bits you don't like, gloss over them - the bones of the story are nevertheless there and the other stuff is eye-candy. If you don't like my style, I'll organise a recount of the emails I got last time. If you disapprove of Glenda's drinking, drive slowly up the Great North Road on Monday Morning so she can see you from her window.
Emma is fretting about her return to work, Vinnie and Debs decide they're still friends. Deirdre ministers to the poorly Dev, and him with his hairy nipples poking out through his dressing gown and all. (NB, luckily for you, dear reader, but not for me, I myself am smitten with a bug while doing this update, so I can confirm the latest research from the Lancet i.e. men and women get the same cold germs, but they affect us differently. Women can still cook, shop and tidy up - men have to lie down for several days and have to be helped to get food into their mouths. Just the way DNA works, apparently.) Deirdre offers to stock up the fridge and pop to the chemist ('Something for the weekend, Madam?' 'I should hope not!') Hayley and Alma exchange priceless dialogue viz:- H- 'We're trying to adopt' A- 'A baby?'
Debs and Doug have a row in which she accuses him of bringing his dead wife into their bed every night. Now, Canadian viewers may be toughened to life's little tests - I know you eat your dogs when the Central Heating fails and some of you have gnawed off your own legs rather than vote Liberal, but this image was a bit much for your typical lime-juicer. Then Debs and Nat have a serious up-and-downer in the Rovers' parlour while the whole pub falls silent to listen, including Blanche and the other two witches. Phrases like 'cheap tart' drift out to the lounge and, no, it's not a special offer on Betty's quiche.
NB In the advert break they were on about buffalo mozzarella. I've never heard of this before and now it's everywhere. So how come they keep water buffalo in Italy? And who was the first person to say 'See that big b****d with the horns? I'm going to go over and pull its tits and see what happens.' But I digress.
Liz visits Jim to praise the barrister she's hired - he's only lost one case in five years. Now *I* would have asked a) how many cases has he tried and b) does he usually prosecute or defend but Jim seems happy enough. Liz declares she still has 'feelings' for him. Again, Jim passes the opportunity to cross-question e.g. 'What kind of feelings? Hate? Disgust? Loathing'
Meanwhile Les is polluting the Imperial Hotel with his snakeskin jacket and making the acquaintance of a 'lady' in the bar. (Say what you like about Wolfenden, at least it meant we didn't have to walk past predators like June in Lewis's arcade any more). Les describes himself as a marketing consultant. (As in Smithfield Market, 'Oi, where shall I put this stall?') Les asks June if she's here on 'business' (although Les forgets the quotation marks, with hilarious consequences) She agrees she is (Selling cellulite from the look of her thighs)
Dennis makes Janice a cup of tea and ALLOWS HER TO USE THE REMOTE CONTROL. I'm sorry, ITV, this is a bit controversial before the watershed. Curly and Em but champagne and announce in the Rovers they have set a wedding date. No-one asks what the date is. perhaps they were all watching Coronation Street before they came out to the pub.
Audrey asks Ash, now to be Curly's best man, why Fred isn't answering his phone. 'Because he has Caller I.D.' Audrey seems to know exactly what this means. Gritty realism or what? Doug and Vin snarl at each other. Vin decides to collect Dougie's rents as a termination bonus.
Nat asks Liz to help out behind the bar as she is short-staffed. Liz turns up with the sleeves ripped off her blouse. Les points out that means she and her hubby are both behind bars. Nat asks Liz to be manageress while Nat is on holiday. Dev offers Deirdre a promotion (memo - buy *your* boss a Lemsip and see if he promotes you) to supervise all his shops. I'm beginning to see Dev as a Godfather figure - kind of like Tony Soprano. So this 'bump' for Deirdre puts her on the underboss level along with Auntie Maya, like Paulie Walnuts and Silvio. Vikram is obviously Christopher, trying to make a name for himself. The absent Ravi is Uncle Junior. Rita is Dr Melfi. All we need now is Dev's moll, Carmela. What a shame there is no character in the Street with knowledge of gangster ways and bringing up a family married to a violent husband who knows something about the licensed trade and has frizzy hair died the colour of cats ' p**s to match her mini skirts. Oh, hang on..
Vinny decides he's heading back to the North East to top up his Geordie accent. Debs decides she's going back to the ships. (Who said tramp steamers?) Vinny suggests they run away together so at least two of the people in the eternal triangle will end up happy. Thoughtful man.
Fred buys Ashley a bacon slicer. Thoughtful man.
Back in his hotel room, Les offers the lovely June a drink. She suggests they get straight down to 'business'. Once again, Les fails to notice the quotation marks, with hilarious consequences. June asks for 200 quid and the penny finally drops.
Roy and Hayley host a soiree for another couple from the adoption classes. They begin to wonder if fostering isn't a better idea in their situation. Audrey confronts Fred in the Street and, all else failing, falls over dramatically. Fred assists her to the Rovers where he applies a cold compress to her 'sprained' ankle. Alma sprains her eyebrow observing Audrey. Audrey puts her arm round Fred (as far as she can reach, anyway) Janice breaks down in tears. Dennis puts his arm round her (as far as he can reach, anyway). He tells Janice she is a sweet, genuine, beautiful woman. And in the glow of his affection, she is. They kiss. Dennis legs it. Liz decides to drop Jim a hint as to her true feelings for him. 'I miss the passion. I've always wanted you and I always will.' Jim frowns. What is she trying to tell him? She remembers the good times. Even when they had a row, she ended up with a bunch of roses. I thought it was a bunch of fives but memory plays tricks on us all. Dougie realises Vinny is collecting his rents. He vows that 'If Vinny Sorrel crosses my path, he'll be one sorry individual''. So that's a sorry Sorrel to be sorted. Toyah lets Les doss down in her room at the Rovers. he is almost caught next morning on the way out by Liz, who thinks Toyah has had a fella in her room. Janice and Dennis say their farewells, like a scene from Brief Encounter ('I must go'. 'Why?' I can't trust myself'). Later in Roy's Rolls they sit at Separate Tables. Will they mime the entire works of Noel Coward and Terence Rattigan? Is Norfolk very flat? Turns out that Eileen fancies Dennis like mad - 'He's not fat, he's hunky. He can run his hands over my pistons any time' Roy and Hayley talk to Rita about the joys and pain of fostering. Hayley would still prefer to adopt but she's keeping an open mind. Roy is fixed on the idea that the child's need for a parent is a more important consideration than the parent's need for a child. Deep. Jim asks Steve how he feels about Jim and Liz getting back together. Steve says it would be a disaster, she's only trying to make Jim feel better, his judgement is clouded from being locked up. He says it in English, Mancunian and sign language. Jim frowns. What is Steve trying to tell him? (BTW, I was rude about Simon Gregson in one of my earlier updates, then I apologised because I thought he was very good in his hospital scenes. Now I think he's very good all round. His duets with Jim and Liz are top stuff and there's a lot of animation in his acting we haven't seen before. Straight A's) Les fails in his attempt to reconcile with Janice but she denies there's anything going on between her and the lodger.
That's it for now - see you in December
John Dean Oxford
My guest volunteer updater this week is the wonderfully vivacious Vivienne Smith - I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did!! - Glenda :-)
Hello and welcome to the Coronation Street weekly update for 15th to 20th November 2000. Vivienne Smith, virgin weekly updater here; I've only been let loose on single episodes before!
I apologise profusely for the lateness of this update. I'm afraid that I misjudged the amount of time necessary to type all of this. Well, to be truthful it was watching all the episodes twice that almost finished me off. I would normally enjoy a double helping of Corrie but some of the scenes this week almost sent me into a catatonic trance. At one point the local Neighbourhood Watch looked in the window and thought I had slipped into a coma; however as soon as I awoke and explained that I was rewatching Jim and Liz having the same conversation over and over again in the visiting room at the Big House, they understood perfectly and offered their deepest sympathies for my predicament.
I know that in real life people do have the same conversations again and again. Couples in trouble or about to split up say the same old things to each other until they realise they are getting nowhere. Then they split up. BUT, if I wanted to look at real life problems I'd save the licence fee and join the Neighbourhood Watch. Then I could look in other people's windows for free!
Fortunately, it wasn't all doom and gloom this week, thanks to some superb writing from Mariam Vossborough, David Lane and Peter Mills. Also some sterling performances from the regular cast with a few deserving an honourable mention. And finally a new character played with hypnotic awfulness; he's so bad he's good!
Anyway on with the show which I divided into storylines rather than try to do this chronologically.
At the beginning of the week Les and Janice are still apart but it is obvious that Janice is weakening, partly because she is feeling guilty about Dennis fancying her and partly because she seems actually to love her repulsive husband. Les has persuaded Toyah to let him stay at the Rovers but is caught leaving in the morning by Liz who makes it clear that it mustn't happen again. Toyah tells him that he must talk to Janice and sort outtheir problems. In the bar later on he tries for some sympathy from Dennis but his advice is the same "Talk to Janice and show her you've changed". In the cafe Vera notices Janice looking thoughtful and tells her she's sorry to hear about her and Les splitting up. Vera tells her that it is her own feelings that are important not what other people will think if they make up. Janice says Les has promised he'll change. Vera tells her that men don't change, after all Jack hasn't but she can't imagine life without him. "Some people" she tells Janice "are meant to be together". Later that evening as Janice, wearing her work overall as usual, is ironing there is a knock at the door. It is Les, come to plead his case one more time. Her promises that he will get a job and make everything up to her. He will even sleep on the sofa until Janice forgives him. Surely Janice won't fall for that load of old *&$£()%*. Unfortunately, we know that she probably will. Les asks Steve for a job on the taxis but Steve says no chance. Later (after Eileen has put the boss straight!) Steve says he does need a driver two nights per week, providing Les can pass the knowledge. Les has also managed to get a job filling in for absent staff for the Council. For probably the first time in his life Les has two paying jobs!
The time has come for the grand opening of Elliott and Son, Master Butchers of Victoria Street. A small crowd of locals turn up, but only because the meat is half price on opening day. Unfortunately, the mayor of Weatherfield does not turn up, having double booked himself with Fred and a supermarket opening across town. Maxine saves the day by dashing across to the salon and getting Councillor Audrey Roberts to do the honours. Audrey says some very nice things about Fred and his business and wields the scissors to cut the ribbon and declare the new butchery "OPEN".
Maxine is still wearing out poor old Ashley is her attempts to get pregnant. He goes into the shop on Sunday morning with the excuse that there is work to be done, but Fred later finds him having a kip behind the bacon slicer. Ashley tells Fred that he is worn out by his wife's ceaseless demands for rumpeh-pumpeh. "She won't leave me alone". Fred points out that there are a hundred men in Weatherfield alone who wish they could say the same thing! Later in the Rovers Fred gives Ashley something to keep up his ... er ... strength. It is Ginseng which Fred claims is Chines for "lead in your pencil". He warns Ashley to keep quiet about it though. He doesn't want people to know that a butcher is recommending herbal remedies. Fred says he has a reputation as a meat and Cumberland Ring man to keep up. (That reminds me CP is doing next week's update - something to look forward to!)
Jim is 'celebrating' his birthday in prison. His treat is a visit from Liz. Although they had previously agreed to try again, he has now spoken to Steve who does not approve and has persuaded Jim that he will be better off without Liz. Liz however will not take her dismissal easily and, grabbing Jim by the tabard, forces him to listen to what she has to say about their future together. At her next visit Liz has a surprise question for Jim. Will he marry her? Jim says yes.
Anthony is preparing a meal for Rita in his rather large kitchen, when they are interrupted by a visitor who is introduced as Isobel's brother, George Docherty. He has heard from Evil Daughter Amanda about Anthony's friendship with Rita. He has a go at the pair of them and finishes by calling the fragrant Mrs Sullivan "a trollop". This is too much for Anthony who shows him the door. At this point I have to say that George is played by possibly the worst actor ever to appear in the street. He stares unblinkingly as he delivers his lines in a monotone. When he wants to stress something he doesn 't change his tone, he just shouts a bit louder. He does not change his faci al expression for the whole time he is on screen. If my local amateur dramatic society were casting a pantomime villain he would fail the audition. At least previous non actors were sometimes a bit decorative but George fails in that department as well. George returns the next day and tells Anthony that due to 'business difficulties' he will no longer be able to pay his half of Isobel's nursing home fees. (Boo Hiss!) While Anthony is preparing Sunday lunch for Rita, Amanda walks in with her usual sour expression on. Her father says that "thanks to her sanctimonious bleating to Uncle George" her mother will have to leave the home. He hopes she is satisfied. Anthony visits his accountant who tells him that he can manage Isobel's fees for six months, then he will have to sell the house and business. Of course, it is only in soap land that people try and solve their money troubles by selling their only source of income.
In the Rovers Geena is trying to drum up some enthusiasm for the Karaoke night. She asks Dennis if he will sing something. "Yes" says our leather-clad hero "'My Best Friend's Girl'". "Shall I put you down then Dennis?" asks Geena. "Why not, everyone else does." Aah. Poor Dennis. It is up to Eileen to save the day and she looks Dennis in the eye while she sings "That Old Devil Called Love". Unfortunately the Karaoke night loses money, Geena's next idea is a Mr and Mrs night.
Linda has confided in Geena that she may be pregnant. She is worried because she won't know who the father is. And Mike won't believe it is his without a DNA test, which may not give the answer he wanted. By the end of the week Geena' has persuaded her to take a test which is negative. Just as well because the thought of being pregnant had doubled Linda's roll-up consumption.
Now that her own love life is sorted out, Janice tries to help Eileen who has taken a fancy to Dennis. She invites Eileen for Sunday lunch but Dennis is extremely off hand. We learn that Eileen's boys are Jason (17) and Todd(15). After Eileen leaves he has a go at Janice for trying to set the pair of them up. He is taken aback to find that Eileen actually fancies him, and realises that he had better apologise. He catches up with Eileen in the pub and after a chat they realise they have a shared interest in bike's.
Gail has a letter inviting her for an interview at the Health Centre for the receptionist's post. David doesn't think she'll get it "'Cos you have to be young and good looking". Sarah is very encouraging though. Gail is obviously beginning to get back some confidence and it is great to see.
Candice has sent Glen a text message as though it is from Sarah, asking for a date. He calls and they agree to go out on Wednesday, with Candice providing the alibi.
Roy and Hayley are still discussing the pros and cons of fostering versus adoption.
In the cafe Jack tells Sam and Pat about the five-bet accumulator he has put £100 on. Four horses and a dog at an evening race meeting. If it all works to plan he will win just under £60,000. Vera calls across and reminds him to put the £100 she has given him into the Building Society for Christmas. Oh dear. Methinks there is a connection here!! If this bet fails, Jack is going to be singing his Christmas Carols soprano this year. This was a grand episode with regular scenes as the day progresses giving updates on the bet. The first four horses win and everything is riding on the dog. Everyone gathers in the Rovers in the evening. Pat's mate Harry who works at the track agrees to phone through a commentary. After a few worrying moments Patcalls out. "He's done it! He's only gone and won". Vera is ecstatic, Jack looks a likely contender for a return visit to the Cardiac Unit. Drinks and Cheers all round. Vera asks what he wants to do with the money. "What do you dream of Jack, when you put a bet on?" Jack replies that he doesn't know. He's never expected to win!
A great week of episodes and with the Anniversary to come there are more good storylines on the way. Grand performances from all but especially Eileen, Dennis, Janice, Jack, Vera and Candice. I think that even at such a young age Candice is a star. This actress was born to be in Coronation Street. Let's hope the powers that be nurture her and don't give her rubbish storylines.
Next week CP will be in the hot seat. Meanwhile it only remains to say how much I admire Glenda for doing this every week!
Hi folks
The guest updater for November 22- 27 is CP Turner. Read on if you like his style. Put your hands over your eyes and look away now if you don't. And just for the record (ahem!) I'm not on the streets selling the Big Issue (not yet anyway). I bumped into CP in Woolies the other evening and gave him a hug around the Christmas baubles.
Glenda
Of course, I didn't recognise her at first. Wrapped in a mildew-encrusted duvet, with a mangy dog on a string and unsold copies of the 'Big Issue' at her side, she cut a forlorn figure on that rainswept Durham pavement. The cap at her feet held no more than five pence and a couple of pesetas, and so, being the kind of guy who is always ready to bend over backwards to accommodate his fellow man, I dug deep and tossed her a ten pence piece. (Homeless people always bring out the philanthropist in me. In fact, I only ever go out with homeless people, because wherever you drop them off after a date, they're home!) Anyway, as it turned out, it was she who recognised me! As I turned to leave, her strained, world-weary voice exclaimed: "I know you! You're CP! You used to write updates! You used to be big!!" "Lady," I said, taking a deep breath, "I *am* big: it's the updates that got small." Only then did I recognise her. "Glenda? Glenda, love, is it you?" I blinked back a tear of compassion. "How on earth has it come to this?"
Naturally, I couldn't hang around to hear the whole pathetic story - I had an important coffee date to attend, and besides, the prospect of catching lice, impetigo and a bad accent was a daunting one - but it transpired that she'd been 'on the street' for several weeks now.
"Duggie Ferguson doubled the rent on my flat," she moaned, "and even though Toyah tried to help me, in the end I was thrown out. Now I live on a diet of stale buns from Dev's shop, and wear hand-me-downs supplied by Emily Bishop. Will you help me, CP? Will you write this week's update for me? That little bugger David Platt stole my computer, and if I don't get the update written, Jez Quigley will kill me! Don't let Jez get me, CP, please don't let him get me!" I recoiled, horrified. "But Glenda," I began, "don't you know that Jez is dead? Don't you know that Jim..." And then it hit me. I suddenly realised that I was becoming exactly like Glenda. She'd written so many weekly updates that she actually believed Coronation Street was real, and her delusional state was now having an effect on me too. I couldn't tread that path again. After all, inability to distinguish fact from fiction was the very reason I 'retired' from update writing in the first place. During my six months as updater back in 1998, I actually came to believe that I *was* Natalie Barnes! And it was the most traumatic six months of my life. (Shagging anything in trousers wasn't a problem, but wearing short sleeves in all weathers was sheer hell!)
Anyway, to cut a long and very convoluted story short, I agreed to stand in for Glenda and write this week's update. She won't be able to read it, of course, because she's currently holed up in a clinic in Hartlepool, being weaned off her addiction to Toilet Duck. Oh well, at least she's got a roof over her head. And Jez Quigley won't be able to get to her there. Or so she thinks...
Wednesday 22 November
Vera still can't believe that Jack has come into so much money. (I'll resist the obvious 'soggy banknotes' gag). This time, she asserts, they are going to spend the money wisely rather than blow it all recklessly. And there is no lack of advice from other denizens of the Street on how she should protect her windfall. Roy suggests a 60-day savings account, while Les warns her of the danger of scroungers. (Which is a bit like Herod advising a new mother on creche facilities). However, thoughts of investment accounts and pension plans are put aside momentarily as the photographer arrives to take a snap of the happy Duckworths as they receive the cheque.
At the Rovers, Geena is putting up posters for the forthcoming "Mr & Mrs Competition", her latest idea to inject a little excitement into place. As soon as Maxime spots it, she is determined to enter - and to win. To this end, she gives a bemused Ashley a long list of 'facts' about her that he will need to memorise. Such as the 'fact', for example, that her favourite food is Thai mussels, or that her holiday destination of preference is Iceland. (The island, not the frozen food store, although with Maxime the latter is more likely). Ashley doesn't see why Maxime has to pretend to be something she's not, but for someone as desperate as Maxime is to claw her way up the social ladder, pretentiousness is a sine qua non. Pretentiousness is not the name of the game with Vera, however, who says that she and Jack will enter the competition so long as there are no questions on their 'bedroom activities' and the like. "We're no good at ancient history!" she quips.
Talking of aspirations, Gail is getting ready for her interview at the new health centre, and asks SarahLou what she should wear. Sarah advises her to go for the black, given that Gail's customary sackcloth and ashes are still in the wash. Sarah has her own plans - namely for a night out 'with Candice'. (For 'Candice', read 'Glen'). The interview goes well, and Gail is cautiously optimistic about her prospects. (Gail's being cautiously optimistic about anything is a revelation, given the fact that on a normal day, she makes the Grim Reaper look like Coco the Clown).
At the Rovers, Rita tells Emily about George's threat to withdraw his funding of Isobel's hospice fees if Anthony doesn't stop seeing Rita. Emily doesn't understand why George could have taken umbrage. After all, aren't Anthony and Rita 'just good friends'? Rita disabuses Emily of this idea, and reveals that she and Anthony have indeed been making 'the beast with two backs'. This confession upsets Emily, not least because she herself hasn't had sex since January 1978, and has probably healed up. Rita says that she kept schtumm about the affair in order to avoid the Street gossips. "Do you see me as a gossip?" asks Emily, piqued. Rita is lost for words. Emily leaves to go home, with a steamy night of embroidery and the shipping forecast to look forward to.
At the 'Big House', Jim is telling Liz that while he has been given permission to get married, he won't be able to leave prison before the hearing. Liz - who still looks every inch the cheap provincial tart says that they can get married right there in prison, and immediately too! Jim agrees. Liz later tells Drear that although the wedding is to take place behind bars, she still wants Drear to be her 'maid of honour'. Steve is still not too happy with the prospect of his parents' remarrying. (And I agree wholeheartedly. In Liz and Jim's case, remarrying will be like two car crash victims asking to be shoved back into the smouldering ruin of their Ford Capri.)
For their first date, SarahLou and Glen go bowling. Glen, who is far too cute for his own good, seems rather adept at knocking down the skittles, while Sarah doesn't have as much luck. Glen takes her in hand and shows her how to hold the ball properly. (Yes, I know what you're thinking: if SarahLou had known how to handle balls properly eighteen months ago, she wouldn't have brought such shame and scandal on Gail, and Bethany would have remained in the sac, so to speak). While Glen is off buying drinks, Sarah's school teacher (Charlie) and her husband Matt (Dr Ramsden, the new hunky physician) come over to say hello. The teacher - a frosty piece and a graduate, no doubt, of the Eva Braun charm school - asks a mortified SarahLou who is looking after Bethany. SarahLou, sensing Glen's immediate return, changes the subject promptly, desperate not to reveal Bethany's existence to Glen.
Roy and Hayley have finished their adoption/fostering course and must now subject themselves to home visits from social workers, a prospect that Roy doesn't relish. (Can you imagine the conclusion of the social worker? "Well, what have we here? A social misfit with a personality disorder and obvious obsessive-compulsive tendencies, teamed up with what is, for all intents and purposes, a man in a frock. Congratulations, you'll make perfect parents!")
In the Street, Les watches as Dennis and Eileen come on Dennis's new bike. (Behave!) Les jealously dismisses the new acquisition as an obvious drain on Dennis's finances, but Dennis cares not a fig. Eileen later tells Janice that she's getting along famously with her new beau, although they have nowhere they can be alone. Dennis won't ask Eileen back for fear of the Battersbys, and Eileen won't take Dennis home until she's okayed it with her sons. In the meantime he will have to make do with the kind of tonsilectomy she performs on him at the dark end of the Street, towards the end of the episode. As she takes her leave, she bumps into Sarah, who has been performing similar mouth operations on the lovely Glen just around the corner.
And finally, Rita tells Anthony yet again that they should not see each other any more. (I only hope that she has thought this through properly. After all, she has so much to lose: her reconstructed hairdo (which is no longer big enough to hide the whole cast of War and Peace); her reawakened sex-life; her new accent, to name but three).
Friday 24th November
The episode opens in Roy's Rolls, where Vera is busy looking though holiday brochures. (Obviously her plans to invest wisely have flown out of the window, as has her inclination to do any work). Eileen and Janice are there too, with Janice pumping Eileen for all the latest gossip on Eileen's romance with Dennis. Eileen says that everything is fine, except for the fact that they have nowhere they can be alone. Janice promises to try to arrange something at her place. She will get rid of Les and give the courting couple ample opportunity to be alone.
At the Kabin-cum-postoffice-cum-Tardis, Anthony arrives to speak to Rita, only to be told that The Flame Haired One has gone down with a bad cold. Anthony goes up to see her nevertheless, and tries one more time to win her over. But to no avail. Rita, who in her youth would have given Elsie Tanner a run for her money in the 'Who's the Street bike?' stakes, has in her old age discovered the luxury of principles, and she's sticking to them.
Also at the Café (do these people not have homes to go to and kitchens to cook in??), Maxime is testing Ashley on dummy questions for the forthcoming Mr & Mrs Competition, with no success whatsoever. Over on another table, SarahLou is telling Candice all about her bowling date with the luscious young Glen, although she stops short of telling her the old "What's the difference between a bowling ball and Joan Collins" joke.*** It looks as though SarahLou is smitten, although she is terrified in case Glen learns about Bethany.
At Freshco's, Ashley has asked Boris to pretend to be Maxime so that he can try out the questions on him. "What's the last thing I take off at night before I go to bed?" asks Boris. "Your knickers?" offers Ashley. "No," says Boris. "Your bra?" tries Ashley. "No!" exclaims Boris, "my make-up!" And guess who is within earshot of this little exchange? Yes, Blanche - who immediately thinks that Ashley is now 'dancing at the other end of the ballroom'. Later, Blanche catches Ashley and Boris 'at it' again in the Rovers, with Boris this time admitting that "I like pretending I'm Maxime for you!" Blanche also enters Ken and Deirdre for the competition, totally unbeknownst to them of course.
At the 'Big House', Jim finally talks Steve round to the idea of his impending marriage to Liz, and Steve grudgingly agrees to be his father's best man. Liz is overjoyed at the news.
At the Rovers, Anthony meets Emily, who tells him that now she can see how deeply he feels for Rita, she feels she might have been a little hasty in her appraisal of their relationship. She encourages him to try once more to win back Rita's affections and trust. This he does, and the pair are reconciled once more.
Having ummed and aahed over what to do with their windfall, Jack and Vera decide to put at least some of it to good use by giving £1000 to the son they never had, young Tyrone. Tyrone greets their largesse like a dog with two dicks, saying that he's never had that much money before in his life. Jack and Vera tell him that he is to save it for his wedding to the lovely Maria. Eileen takes up Janice's offer and goes round to spend the evening at the Battersbys. Les, however, has no intention of going out for the night, for he is ensconced in a game of cards with Dennis. Eileen, a little crestfallen, soon hits on a plan. She suggests a game of strip poker, and Les, who thinks he is tops at absolutely everything, and thus a dead cert to get the two ladies down to their undergarments within minutes, agrees to a few hands. Naturally, things do not go according to plan, for it turns out that Eileen is a natural card player, and within minutes it is Les who is sitting their in his undies. (Hats off once more to the wonderful Sue Cleaver, who in Eileen has created one of the most naturalistic female characters ever to grace the cobbles. And brickbats to Bruce Jones, who is still as pathetic as ever, and who surely has a huge actor-shaped hole where his thespian talent should be). Fortunately for the viewing public, Janice directs the too-undressed-for-comfort Les upstairs to bed, leaving Eileen and Dennis alone. Eileen says that it is far too late to go home now, which is obviously a cue for imminent sub-duvet activity. Hand in hand, Dennis and Eileen repair to his bedchamber...
*** You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Sunday 26 November
Dennis and Eileen's night of passion clearly went with a bang (or three, given that they'd both been celibate for aeons), although Dennis is embarrassed to reveal to the Battersbys that Eileen has spent the night. Les and Janice don't really have a problem with it, although Les - ever the schemer - says that he should charge the courting couple for 'wear and tear'. Eileen tells him that in return for allowing her and Dennis to use Les's facilities, she will give him all the knowledge he needs to make it as a taxi driver.
Liz is having a retail therapy crisis. Having spent an age filling out forms for her forthcoming nuptials, she is now in trauma over what to wear. Blanche advises that anything will do so long as it doesn't have arrows on it. (Personally, I suggest one of those lovely white jackets. You know, the ones with arms that tie at the back.)
Les's warnings about scroungers and gold-diggers is starting to have resonance, for Vera has already been contacted by an 'old friend' with a hard-luck story. Tyrone warns her not to be taken in, citing the many times that his own mother has resorted to such scams.
At the Rovers, Les - what did I say about scams? - is pressing Toyah to reveal the questions for the Mr & Mrs Competition, but Toyah is having none of it. (On another note, could it be because Toyah is having none of 'it' that she looks so dour these days? Come on, scriptwriters, give Toyah a man! Otherwise we'll have another Edna in the making. Now don't get me wrong: I adore Edna, but having two of them around the place would be over-egging the pudding somewhat). Les tells Ashley and Maxime that he and Janice are bound to win the competition, given the amount of time that they've been married. Blanche pipes up that if anyone is going to win, it's Deirdre and Ken - oblivious to the fact that they're not married and are thus technically ineligible.
Anthony tells Rita that he has come up with a solution: he will sell his house and support Isobel from the proceedings. His children, he claims support the initiative, and Amanda - the bitch daughter from hell - has even suggested that he move in with her. Rita smells an obvious rat: if Anthony moved in with Amanda, Rita would never be able to visit Anthony. Anthony reassures The Flame Haired One that, come hell or high water, he will not allow Amanda to jeopardise his and Rita's relationship. (Isn't this guy something else? Obviously the last of a dying breed. Thoughtful, considerate, compassionate. Clearly hot stuff in the sack, too: with hands that flail around maniacally like his, how could he not be? And such a gent! Why can't I find someone of his calibre and breeding? Why can't I find someone who doesn't' think that 'foreplay' simply means taking his boots off? And wouldn't it be a novelty to hear the dulcet tones of someone declaiming, "One is arriving, one is arriving", instead of the hurried gasping and panting of someone who is clearly more concerned with whether he'll be late for the school bus?)
Other happenings in this episode: (Can't you just tell that I'm rushing to get it finished? Well, apparently, Glenda is out of rehab and gunning for me, wondering where the update is, so I'm having to do this at breakneck speed.)?
Audrey, who recently fell on the cobbles, says that she will be the last person ever to do so. Her plan is to get the council to tarmac over the cobbles, and when she reveals the scheme later in the Rovers, the assembled denizens are outraged, Ken in particular.? Liz finds a two piece suit in grey for her nuptials.? A stranger turns up in the Street, looking for the Duckworths. Tyrone turns her away, fearing that she is yet another gold-digger on the make.? Another old face appears in the Rovers, having sustained terrible injuries in a sunbed experiment that went badly wrong. Yes, for it is Andy (or 'Undie', as Liz refers to him), hotfoot from Sitges, gay capital of the Iberian peninsula, back in Weatherfield ostensibly for his parents' coming nuptials, but in actual fact in response to my plea for the scriptwriters to find Toyah a shag buddy.
Monday 27 November
Now, call me naïve if you must (and believe me, I used to be so naïve that until my 30th birthday, I thought 'fellatio' was a minor character in The Merchant of Venice), but I would imagine that a couple of week son a computer course is simply NOT enough to qualify one for a high-pressured job behind a desk at a health centre. (Besides computer skills, doctors' receptionists must also be well versed in German, the use of electric cattle prods and the removal of gold teeth, at least if the receptionists in my local surgery are anything to go by). But, lo and behold, I must be wrong, for Gail Platt's interview was successful and she has got the job!
Undy, fresh back from Sitges, is filled in by his twin brother Steve on all the nefarious happenings which have occurred in his absence. Undy is less than pleased to hear what has been going on, and tells Steve that the thinks the whole family is a disgrace. (But not quite so disgraceful, methinks, as the fact that Undy has clearly been unable to sue the sunbed people for damages. Either that or he is the latest poster boy for Orange telephones). Anyway, Undy's life is made a little happier when, later, he is introduced to Toyah in the Rover's. (Can you hear the snaaap of rubber already? Be patient, you will!)
Ken and Roy discuss the Council's plan to tarmac the cobbles, and decide that Audrey's little tumble on them was probably instrumental in their decision. They begin to think of ways of thwarting the Council's scheme. I can't help thinking, though, that Ken should be concentrating on Deirdre. Surely he must have picked up on how absent and distant she's become lately, particularly when Dev is around or mentioned? Dev has just come back from a trade fair, with a box of Belgian truffles for Drear as a gift, and now poor old Drear is fair foaming at the gash!(Okay, okay, so maybe Drear does have a point. While Dev isn't actually love's young dream, compared to Ken he is Tristan to Drear's Isolde. The novelty of necrophilia has clearly worn off, and now she hankers after younger and more supple flesh. But has she no sense? Does she not seethe trail of sleaze that Dev leaves, snail-like, wherever he walks? Has she not learned her lesson about smooth-talkers after being unceremoniously rearended - in a manner of speaking - by Mr Tie & Fly? Has she overdosed on the HRT tablets? And whose poor bunny is it that she's going to boil when Dev gives her 'Thanks but no thanks' line? The mind literally boggles).
At the Rovers, the Mr & Mrs Competition gets underway with Maxime and Ashley as its first victims. Predictably, Ashley fails to answer any of the questions correctly, leaving Maxime with serious egg on her face.(When asked whether Maxime snores, picks her nose or has smelly feet, the hapless Ashley answered: "All three". Maxime was NOT amused). Much to Blanche's chagrin, Deirdre and Ken refuse to enter, and leave the Rovers to have a meal in a restaurant instead. Given the dearth of entrants, Roy and Hayley are prevailed upon to enter the competition and thus save it from becoming a total damp squib. And since they know every nook and cranny of each other's personalities, habits and idiosyncrasies, they win the competition hands down. Everyone is jubilant - until Weatherfield's very own resident redneck, Les "You Too Can Have A Lobotomy Like Mine" Battersby, points out that it is a Mr & MrsCompetition, not a Mr & Mr Competition. Cue a scuffle, in which Martin Platt, who has risen to Hayley's defence, tries to floor Les. And of course, in the midst of the brouhaha, who should return from her holiday but a slightly tanned - and very pregnant - Natalie Barnes, who is none too pleased to see that the Rovers has become a veritable Bedlam.
Oh, and I almost forgot: the stranger who was looking for the Duckworths was no stranger at all, at least not to Jack and Vera. She is, of course, Andrea Clayton, a girl whom Terry got pregnant over a decade ago. The fruit of their liaison is a young boy called Paul, who is seriously ill with kidney failure. Andrea has come to Weatherfield to enlist the Duckworths' help in locating Terry But we all know how THAT one is going to end, don't we?
Exeunt omnes - and cue credits.
And that's your lot. Thanks to Glenda for giving me the opportunity to try my hand at updating again after all this time. And a Merry Christmas one and all!
