The degrees finished, the moves completed and now, finally, the results are out. Ladies and gennelmen, I am pleased to report that I am now the holder of a First Class Honours Degree. Oh yes indeedy doo. The news came over the wire today from my mother who was as excited as I was. So pleased was I when I heard the results that I did what any mature student would do - I sat down and scoffed a bowl of toffee ice-cream. And then I smiled, for a long, long time. In fact, I still am. So as I go through the next week in a state of smug smileyness, that very nice man, Barry Smith, will be looking after the weekly update for me next week. But anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this weeks Coronation Street update.
Its been a bit boring this week, honest. Not much has happened and its been more about moving storylines along rather than introducing any new ones. So if youre bored already, dont blame me.
Its Jasons 18th birthday (or is it Todd? I can never tell them apart, theyre just like Ant and Dec) and Dennis buys the lad a motorbike. He has a party at Eileens where he rides his bike around the living room and Sarah Lou throws up on the carpet. Ah, the joys of youth, how wondrous they are. Dennis tells Jason he cant drive the bike yet. He needs a license, he needs insurance and he needs to sort out the helmet on his back passenger.
Almas cousin (from the funeral) makes a reappearance and he and Audrey have a drink in the Rovers. He seems nice enough, charming and polite, but (and theres always a but) he starts asking questions about Almas financial estate. So hes a financial advisor, fair enough. But when a man, any man, turns up out of the blue (or green, or come to that, orange, but usually not purple) asking questions about money, its time to be wary and Audrey is being anything but.
Over at Ryedale High, Sarah Lou (Sandy) and Candice (Rizzo) feed Sarahs addiction to cyber chat rooms with more online communication with internet pal TJ. Its like automatic, systematic, hydromatic, greased lying. Sarah is "Julia" and "TJ" is Todd (although we dont know that yet, well, we do now cos Ive just told you, but Sandy and Rizzo dont know theyve both fallen in love with the same boy, not yet anyway).
Over at the factory, Mike has to make some cutbacks to save money and sacks 3 of his workers - including Karen and Bobbi. Janices job looks safe enough until Karen tells the girls the real reason why Linda lost the contract to Reubens, or as Les later puts it: "So you drop your drawers, and they all lose out?" Mike immediately sacks Janice and reinstates Bobbi after Les outburst, leaving Janice on the scrapheap, in the jobcentre, in despair, out of work and on the dole.
Its bingo night at the Rovers and Shelley assists Les as he runs through his Bingo Bonanzer, accessorised with an egg box and a waste paper bin, both spray-painted gold, as youd expect from Les. And whos the lucky winner of the full house? None other than Janice who scoops 150, but refuses to share it with Karen. As its usual for them to share bingo winnings, Karen is rightly upset, especially when Steve gave Janice the money to buy the ticket in the first place, but still Janice refuses to pay up on the grounds she needs the money more. She eventually gives half the winnings to Karen, who takes it and then surprisingly returns it, realising Janice does indeed need the money more than she does - to get a decent haircut, if nothing else.
Anthony attends Isabelles funeral but Rita doesnt accompany him. Neither will she go to New Zealand when he asks her to fly off into the sunset with him. Sensibly, Rita decides to stay at home, giving them both some time to get used to the idea that Isabelle is gorne, has deceased and is no more. Childishly, Anthony takes this to mean that Rita doesnt fancy him anymore and storms off down under in a huff and a bow tie. Another taxi, another exit. Norris is aghast that his best pal Anthony should leave without saying goodbye and pesters Rita for the real news about his departure. Rita confides her worries to Emily: Will Anthony return? Will she grow old alone? Has she ever worn a jacket more disastrous?
Over at the Duckies, Tyrones using Jack as his role model to get out of doing the housework, the ironing, the cleaning and the cooking. It gets too much for Vera to take and she and Maria leave the men at home, demanding that the place is tidy for their return. But even though theyre dressed the part, with Jack in Veras pinny and Tyrone in her overall, the place is still a mess when Vera returns. As revenge, Vera gives them an uncooked dinner and burnt chops for tea. I told you this week was boring, didnt I? Oh yes and it looks like Jack is going deaf.
Sam and Toyah agree to go on a date but Les isnt happy and gives Sam a good talking to, making sure he wont leave Toyah on a street corner, not like last time. Sam promises Toyah will be safe with him and that hell bring her home all the way to the front door. Janice cooks tea for them before they go out on the date and Sam makes sure hes a hit with the mother (always a good idea) when he says: "If Toyah could cook like her mother, shed be the perfect woman". He scores further brownie points by suggesting Janice take over Toyahs shifts at the cafe, leaving Toyah to take on more shifts in the Rovers.
And thats just about that for this week.
Glenda has left the building. Thankyerverymush.
Glenda
Many congratulations to Glenda on her degree results and after all that hard work I think she deserves a rest this week. Unfortunately it means you'll have to put up with me instead but she'll be back again next week. She says she's had lots of messages of congratulations from her devoted fans and thanks you all. I'm not sure she was overly impressed with the free subscription to www.meninpants.com but I'm sure she'll be able to make good use of it. So, with Energy 52 in the background and a pint of bottle conditioned Hopback Summer Lightning here we go to see what's been happening down our favourite street this week.
Jack's deafness seems to be getting worse. While looking after the crossing outside the bookie's he forgets all his Lollipop Man training and steps out into the road without looking just as Steve MacDonald comes round the corner and he gets knocked over. 'I didn't hear him coming' says Jack, 'He just stepped out' says Steve. Fortunately Jack isn't hurt, well nothing that a couple of brandies can't fix, but he's becoming a bit of a menace and Sally thinks he should jack his job in and she won't trust him seeing the grrrls across the road. Vera nags him into seeing the doctor but he's not happy about it. As he describes his nightly routine to Vera, 'I take a pill to make sure me 'eart doesn't stop while I'm asleep; I take me glasses off; I take me teeth out; now it's going to be an 'earing aid. There's going to be more of me on the table than in the bed. I'm just a bucket full of spare parts', it's clear he's worried by the onset of old age. Things aren't as bad as it seems though. When he gets to see the too tall doctor it turns out that his ears are full of wax and there's nothing wrong with him. A quick session with Molly and a syringe soon sorts him out but never slow to miss an opportunity he tells Vera that there's nothing that can be done for him and she falls for it hook, line and sinker as she has done so many times before. Enjoy it while you can Jack.
It's the night of the big date in the precinct between the two cyber-sweethearts. Sarah Lou waits expectantly for the man of her dreams to turn up and is shocked when it turns out that TJ is none other than Todd James Grimshaw. She's not half as shocked as Candice though who does her nut when she finds out what her boyfriend has been up to. It doesn't take long before they're all friends again (it's amazing what a bag of chips will do to soothe things out) and Sarah-Lou is back online quicker that you can say 'Internet Relay Chat', complaining 'This is Louise, is it just me or does life suck?' as Bethany wails in the background. She is befriended by Gary who tells her he also likes Badly Drawn Boy.
Janice still can't find work but with a bit of not too subtle hinting and a wee bit of cajoling, Roy offers her a job at the cafe. Vera tries to assert her seniority but as you'd expect, Janice gives as good as she gets. This could be the start of an interesting relationship. Sam and Toyah continue to go out together but she's still dead nervous after the rape and wants to take things very carefully. Sam is very supportive and understanding but he still feels hurt every time he gets knocked back by her. Janice tries to talk to her about it but it all comes a lot better from Charli who's been through it all herself when she tells her that it's perfectly normal but when she feels ready for it she should get out there and test the waters, especially when she's got someone as gentle and kind as Sam around.
Alex calls to see Roy and tells him that he needs Wayne to come round for an hour or so as there's to be a visit from Social Services. Roy and Hayley are very concerned that the authorities have found out about the arrangement but duly deliver Wayne. They're absolutely frantic with worry when he hasn't returned after 4 hours and they haven't heard anything. Things are so bad for Roy that he even resorts to a medicinal brandy. Wayne eventually turns up and tells them he's been visiting his gran in hospital and that there had been no visit from the social workers. It's just another ploy by Alex to get at Roy and Hayley and not content with worrying them so much he then comes round to demand more money. He wants £100 a week from them.
Audrey seems rather taken with Alma's cousin, Richard. She gets him to take her to a nice restaurant and then invites him round to dinner. Their cosy twosome at Grasmere Crescent is interupted by Gail who calls round to see her mam at which point Richard perks up immensely. Audrey soon gets rid of her and gets back to staring at Richard like a love-sick puppy while he tells her all about ISAs and stuff. Audrey is convinced that there's a spark between them but Richard has a word with Gail about her and she breaks the bad news to her mam who puts on a brave face.
As one couple return from holiday (Dev and Geena) another (Steve and Karen) prepare for theirs. Karen is waiting for her passport to turn up and so Steve pinches it when it arrives and gets Karen worried they'll have to cancel the holiday. Steve tells Eileen, Eileen tells Karen and then she nicks the passport back and pretends to have cancelled the holiday. Much hilarity ensues (well it doesn't but we can dream). Geena's had a great time with Dev in Barbados and thinks that it's time to take things a step further and move into Dev's flat. We get the tell-tale look over the shoulder from Dev at the end of the episode and later on he plucks up the courage to tell her he's not ready for that yet. While away they've missed the goings on between Mike and Linda but once they've caught up with events of a horizontal nature, Dev tells Mike that he should dump Linda. There's only one thing wrong with that plan though - Mike still loves Linda.
Martin and Kevin put their heads together and with their collective brain cell decide to take the kids away camping. Sarah-Lou doesn't want to go but David is dead keen and asks if Wayne can come instead. Preparations get under way but there is a setback as Kevin gets a heap load of work from a fleet manager that Molly put him in touch with and it looks like the holiday will have to be cancelled. Unless........
So what else has been going on? After talking it over with all and sundry, Rita has decided not to go to New Zealand to see Anthony; Matt wants kids and Charli doesn't; and a couple of minor flunkies have been sacked over the smear test scandal but Alma's friends vow to fight on for justice.
And that's all for this week. See you all soon.
Barry Smith
Annie: 'What a charming outfit that is you're wearing'
Elsie: 'Oh you like it do you?'
Annie: 'My dear, I've always liked it'
Many thanks to the lovely Barry for looking after last week's update for me. Here I am again, preparing for my graduation ceremony later this week and getting rather stressed. Mother's bought a hat and dad's bought a suit but after three years as a penniless student, it's all I could do to run to a new pair of socks and a haircut. But there's a bottle of champagne with my name on it and it's going to be super special day. So, helped by a cool pint of Summer Lightning and Massive Attack on the stereo and without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
In contrast to the rather uninspiring events lately, this week has been action packed and even included a one-hour special and a post-watershed episode. So it's probably best I jump in and tell you why. Sarah Lou's spending all her spare time in chat rooms to the detriment of her school work. Posing as 16 year old Louise, she gets friendly with 19 year old Gary and they're soon swapping photos and phone numbers, finally arranging to meet. Candice goes with Sarah to Gary's house; it looks nice enough, in a Barratt-Wimpy show-home sort of a way - all satin gloss, no soul and dwarf conifers in the garden. And there's an Audi sports car in the drive too, this Gary's obviously got parents with money. Gary's dad answers the door to Sarah, tells her Gary is out but won't be long back and asks her inside. With Sarah indoors, Candice takes her leave and heads back to the street. Gary's dad is hospitable, welcoming, tells her Gary won't be long but we all know and Sarah should have guessed but somehow didn't, that Gary isn't Gary's dad but Gary himself. After a few glasses of plonk, he tells Sarah the truth and she tells him she's not Louise. And that she's only 14. And that she has a baby. If someone can be innocently sinister, then Gary is it (although he'll always be Peter the Brooky hairdresser to me). In his woollen waistcoat he answers the door to Gail and Martin who come looking for Sarah after Candice tells them where she's gone. Gary charms the Platts, tells them Sarah and his son have gone to the cinema and Gail and Martin leave feeling secure and safe as to Sarah's whereabouts. If they knew she was hiding in the cupboard during their visit, things would've been different. But why Sarah Lou hides in a cupboard at this point is anyone's guess. Could it be that she wants and enjoys Gary's attention perhaps? So Gary doesn't actually do anything wrong, as such, I mean he doesn't assault her, doesn't hit her but he does end up getting a bit psycho and locks her in the bedroom until she's saved when Todd and Candice come looking for her after Sarah manages to phone Candice from the house. It's all very odd. Gary falls down the stairs and knocks himself out after knocking Todd out in the living room then Dennis turns up and knocks seven bells out of Gary. Gary's wheeled off to the hospital. Sarah Lou gets comforted by Gail. And Dennis is taken down the station for questioning after Gary wants to press charges for assault. Angry, Gail yells at Sarah, hoping to get through to her just what could have happened when you meet someone you don't know from the internet. Mind you, I've met all manner of people from the internet and haven't (knowingly) been accosted by a maniac. But then, I'm not 14 and thick. As Sarah Lou puts it herself "I'm the most stupidest person in the world". Indeed.
Elsewhere on the street Charli the teacher and the too-tall doctor Matt are arguing. He wants children and she doesn't and it's leading to all manner of matrimonial problems. Old wounds are opened when Charli starts drinking, heavily, and brings up Matt's affair with her best pal Trina. There may be trouble ahead.
The Corrie campers set off this week. Alex Swinton has found out about Hayley and threatens Roy that he's going to tell Wayne so Roy decides, with half an hour to spare, that the three of them are going camping. "Let's be impetuous for once!" he tells Hayley. "We are masters of our destiny". Clearly a worried man. And so off they go with Martin, the kids, and Sally. Yes, Sally. Kevin can't go; he's got a big job on at the garage and can't afford to turn it down so Sally goes in his place. Watch this space. What with all that country air and the heady stench of ant spray, well, who knows what could happen when Sally rubs lotion onto Martin's midgee bites?
Sam's being patient as Toyah tries to pull herself through her trauma to become intimate again with men. She tells Sam she needs to have a further HIV test before they can rub rude bits together. He's fine about it, patient and frustrated, but fine. Toyah, forgetting the lovely Spider once and for all (how dare she? how could she? turncoat!), tells Sam "You're one of the nicest blokes I've ever met".
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
I hope yours is a 17" one because if it's any smaller, my head just won't fit into the monitor. Oh yes, it's been quite a week. Not only did I graduate with a first class honours degree wearing a tassle on my hat and a gown I couldn't go to the toilet in gracefully, I was also awarded a prize for excellence in communication. Wozza chuft or wot like? Why aye arwoz. But if you're hoping that such a prize will improve the tenor of the updates, make the grammar better and the syntax more sweet, think again. With the usual jibberish and thanks to everyone who emailed to say congratulations, here we go, without any further ado, with this week's Coronation Street update.
The Street's gone to the forest as our band of happy campers settle in the countryside this week. Ah, the trilling of the meadowlark, the gurgling of the stream, the dulcet tones of the Nokia mobile. After her ordeal last week, Sarah heads off with the campers along with Todd but Candice's mum won't let her go and there's a bit of a scene on the Platt's doorstep. Mrs Candice tells Gail she won't have her daughter mixing with a gymslip mum, not her innocent Candice. Oooh, it looks like she's never heard Candice answer her mobile phone: "HELLO?! YEAH?!? I'M ON THE PILL!!" . So there's Roy, Hayley and Wayne, Sally and the girls, Martin with David and Sarah and then Todd tagging along. Roy's nervous in case Alex Swinton has followed them to carry out his threat of telling Wayne the truth about Hayley. Wayne's nervous in case Alex has followed them to snatch him away from the Croppers. Sarah's nervous in case Gary has followed them to abduct her. And David's nervous 'cos he thinks the Derbyshire Beast is hiding in the woods. Not so happy campers after all. Hayley's (real life) pregnancy does its best not to get its very own storyline and is upstaged at every opportunity by all manner of props; sleeping bag, book, salad box and cardigan. Roy devises his a game of Bird Bingo but it soon loses its thrill when everyone's waiting for two little ducks.
With Sally away, Janice is looking after the hardware shop which leaves Vera needing help in the cafe. Looking pretty in a pinny, Jack does his best to help out but there's some confusion over an order for four frothy coffees at five. "Where do I get the froth from?" he pleads. Looks like the Duckies could be in for a(nother) windfall when Jimmy Kelly from the Legion, a small fella with a squinty eye, leaves Jack something in his will. It's a key, so Vera is thinking posh houses and property while Jack is more realistic, thinking pigeons and crees.
Toyah goes for her HIV test at the clinic and celebrates with Sam when she gets the all clear. He's being patient, tells her he'll wait forever but she wants to do it, you know, stuff, but is still unable to get further than pecky kisses.
Audrey's looking after big blonde baby Bethany while Sarah's away but feeling out of sorts when Gail forgets her birthday. Well, Gail's got other things on her mind in the shape of new man Richard who takes Gail and her cleavage for an outing to a cosy country pub for lunch. However, when they get back to the house, there are messages on the ansaphone from Audrey reminding Gail she's forgotten her birthday and so the two of them go round to see her instead of doing, you know, stuff. Blanche has also been round to pay birthday respects and Audrey offers her a drink. "What do you want? Tea? Coffee?". "Vodka" she replies, but when Blanche starts hinting at Audrey's spare room, it's Audrey who downs it, quick sharp like.
Matt the too tall doctor has moved out after he and Charlie can't agree about having children. He's broody, she's moody. It turns out that he'd always wanted them and assumed she did too. Whereas, you see, she hadn't wanted them when she married Matt but assumed, one day, sometime in the future, she would. But she doesn't. In despair as she spies the end of her marriage, she hits the bottle and tries to explain her feelings to Matt. "It's not you that has to have them. It's not you that has to change your life, give up your job, give up your freedom". And give up the booze. Matt sleeps in his office and this causes some delay next day in the surgery, giving Blanche the magic line: "Do you know, I've been here 43 minutes. I could've whipped up a Victoria Sponge in that time".
Tune in next week for more tales around the campfire. Will Sarah and Todd make merry in the woods? Will Sally sort out Martin's flies? And will Gail get her hands on Dick?
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda :-)
Apologies for the late update this week, but it's because of the weather, you see. According to the weatherman, it's hotter than Hawaii right now in England. Which is all well and good if you have the luxury a sun kissed ocean to frolic in after a hard day's slog in an office without air-conditioning. As I sat down to write the update last night, I was not a pretty sight. The heat had got to me badly during the day. My ankles had swollen, my fingers were puffy and the keyboard kept sticking to my hands. My hair had gone frizzy and I was bad-tempered as hell. All I wanted to do was lie down in a dark, cool room so I did. But here I am now, slightly cooler and much happier to bring you, without any further ado, this week's Coronation Street update.
Molly gets a telly from Kev as a thankyou for putting new business his way in the shape of Mr Rush from Weatherfield Windows. It looks like Kevin gets to service the company's fleet of vans on a regular basis, but at what cost? Well, five hundred quid a month is what Rush is asking and Kev's in tormet. He's always run his business honestly, his way, but with Tyrone asking for overtime to save up to get married, Kevin knows he has to think of his staff as much as himself and agrees to bung Mr Rush the back-hander.
Jack's over the moon when he finds out what it is he's inherited, but Vera is much less pleased. It's an allotment with its very own shed, or as Jack confides to Tyrone "my place to escape". Neither Vera nor Maria can see the attraction of the shed, which suits Jack just fine. It's a magnificent one, full of smelly old bits of stuff rusting in the corner. Sounds bliss to me, but then I've always liked sheds ever since I was a little 'un and can't wait to move into my very own shed later this year. All it'll need is a quick sweep-out and some red checky curtains, and indeed, perhaps a cushion or two. If all this sheddy business leaves you confused / bemused / worried, or all of the above, you need to take a visit to uk.rec.sheds where all your worst fears will be confirmed.
Toyah gets an unwelcome visitor in the shape of Phil Simmonds' brother. He calls into the caf, scares the life out of Toyah and leaves a letter from Phil, who wants to see her. The letter says Phil's sorry for what he's done and wants Toyah to meet him so he can apologise and explain. Janice and Les are both against her meeting him but Toyah is unsure what to do. She talks it over with Charlie who tells her not to do anything she'd feel uncomfortable with but after much thought and torment, she agrees to meet him next week.
Glamorous granny Gail gets it together with her new man. Maxine looks after Bethany while Gail cooks dinner for Richard at home. It's all white wine and pink tablecloths, candles and small talk over dinner then later it's coffee, chocolates, cuddles and kisses as Gail pulls Dick upstairs. (Look, I'm sorry, I really am. But this rude and uncalled for innuendo is irresistible and far too easy. They should have called him Fred).
So Maxine and Ashley are back from their holidays and playing host already to someone needing a place to stay. Too tall doctor Matt has walked out on Charlie after they agreed to disagree about having kids and he moves in with the Peacocks. What joy.
Cue to the countryside, where it's all been happening. Confidences are shared when Martin and Sarah have a chat and he tells her she must respect herself and take responsibility for her actions in the future. It seems to have got through to her. Todd goes to the disco on the camp sight but Sarah meets his disco dolly later, who tells her "You can have your boyfriend back, it was all 'Sarah this' and 'Sarah that'" Realising that Todd has a thing for her (you know, a thing), Sarah puts a stop to his flirting when he tries to kiss her later, bearing in mind Martin's words.
The country air gets Sally and Martin going too. The pair of them talk about their feelings, their ex-es, their mistakes and their futures before they're snogging under the oak tree and around the bush. But will it work back in Weatherfield? Sally thinks not. She tells Martin their kiss was a one-off and then gives him the brush-off.
Out on the lake, David and Wayne are fooling around in the boat during Roy's (very) organised treasure hunt. It's all going swimmingly, at least, it would have done, if Roy could swim. David ends up in the water, arms flailing and although Roy jumps in after him, he admits he can't swim. It's left to Wayne to save the day, Roy is mighty proud and David is unperturbed: "I could've walked out of there meself!".
While in the woods, Wayne's nabbed by Alex Swinton, he's followed the Croppers to the countryside. Wayne screams and Roy and Hayley go running although it's fair to say that Hayley sort of wobbled. There's a bit of argy-bargy and Alex storms off as Martin comes to see what's going on, but not before Alex rings the Social Services to tell them the Croppers have kidnapped his son. There's nothing else for Roy and Hayley to do but tell Wayne what's going on. They'd already told Wayne the truth about Hayley, and surprisingly, he took it very well, comparing her gender realignment to that of earthworms and tropical fish. It prompts Roy to comment: "I'm just glad he sees you as part of the wonder and diversement of nature". Anyway, they give Wayne the option of going back to Weatherfield and all the trouble that will bring, or leaving with them both, now, for somewhere new. Wayne decides he wants to stay with them and while the others are at the shop, the three of them speed away in Martin's car. "I haven't driven in years!" cries Hayley, as she leans over to Roy "And I don't know what to do". Looking out of the window instead of at your passenger would help, methinks. And so they go, our three musketeers, off their heads and on the run.
And that's about that for this week.
Glenda
