Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. I'll be taking a break from the update next week as I'm heading abroad for a dirty weekend with a very nice man. The fragrant Janet Penny will be in the update chair next week. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
It's not been a good week for Charli. She finds "Ramsden is an alky" written on the class blackboard and enters the room just in time to find Todd Grimshaw trying to rub it all off. Unfortunately for Todd, Charli assumes he's the one who wrote it and manages to get him excluded from school for a week. It's a few days later before the real culprit comes clean and admits he wrote not only that message but also the one spray painted on the Ramsden's front door. But why has this pupil got such a grudge against Charli? Tune in next week for the most improbable answer and ridiculous coincidence that can only ever happen in the strange world of soap.
Sam's been trying to impress Toyah this week and his face has been doing that strange look that it does when he's trying to think. Ken suggests a night at the cinema to see 'Being John Malkovich' (wonderful film) and Toyah's impressed but Sam's confused. He's trying too hard to please and she's humouring him for now although Janice tells her to be careful and make sure she doesn't hurt Sam. Meanwhile, Les is already calling the lad "son". Bless him, that Sam, he's harmless, just gormless.
Maxine comes clean to Audrey and confesses about her night of passion with Matt. Audrey, experienced in such matters, tells Maxine to keep schtum, nothing good will come of it if she decides to tell Ashley. But Maxine's struggling with keeping such a big thing from Ashley (there'll be an even bigger thing coming along soon methinks) and admits to Audrey she's having trouble lying, because, as she says: "I'm a rotten actor." (Ahem). Anyway, she and Matt are doing their best to avoid each other (not easy when they live next door) but come face to face eventually at the surgery when Maxine goes with Ashley who has his stitches taken out. So it's all systems go now for Ashley and Maxine to produce little Peacocks, but Maxine has gone strangely off the idea, feeling too guilty to do doings under de duvet.
Dev takes Deirdre to SexySpex for new glasses and with a little persuasion from Dev and the optician (who insists on calling Dev "Mr Rashid") she trades in her big frames for some cute little things that make her, incredibly, look pretty nice. To celebrate her new look, Dev splashes out on a spot of lunch for them both too.
What a star that Dev is. While Geena's at work, he arranges to have all her stuff moved out of her flat and into his. She's stunned when she founds out, but is over the moon and insists on marking the occasion by inviting her parents around for dinner with them both. Now then. I don't know everything there is to know about my parents, and that's probably a good thing. But I do know the basics; how many sugars they take in their tea (none), how they like their steak cooked (mam - medium, dad - well done), if they're fascists or homophobes (no and no). So you'd think, wouldn't you, that Geena would have had an inkling that an Asian boyfriend wouldn't have gone down well with her mum. But no, it comes as a complete surprise and leads to a major falling out between mother and daughter. In her best Elsie Tanner voice, she chides Geena over the difference in age and culture, she simply doesn't approve or understand and nor does she want to.
Mr Hartnell popped into the cafe this week to remind us all that the Croppers are registered foster carers and with his say so, could be fostering again any time they choose. But will they want to after their experience with Wayne?
After Peter stole the five thousand pounds last week, he bets the lot on a horse and sends Steve to put the bet on, in case he's recognised by a bookie. The horse comes in at a million to one and wins by a short nose and a long beard or whatever it is that horses do in races and Peter's got a packet. He starts getting nervous when Steve doesn't return with the money and is livid when Karen tells him Steve's put the winnings on another bet, the County vs City football game later that day. Steve bets on County to win and Peter, without telling the others, bets on City to win, just in case. Anyway, City win which is a turn up for the book(ie)s. This storyline's all a bit daft really but it means that Peter can now put in an offer to buy the bookies, which he does. He then tries to give Rob his five thousand pounds back but obviously can't admit it was him that stole it to start with. Steve suggets Peter should smash Rob's car window, throw the money into the car and scarper. (I'm sure I saw this work when Abbott and Costello did it). However, the car alarm starts up and Peter does a runner, still with Rob's cash in his hands.
After flirting for days over the bar at the Rovers, Sunita and Duggie finally get together on a date. Neither of them are bothered about the age difference although Betty finds it funny. "What's this then?" she asks him when he comes out all dolled up for the date. "Love's middle age dream?".
And that's just about that for this week. Many thanks for Janet Penny for er... volunteering next week.
Glenda
Hello all - what a pleasure it is to sit in the Corrie Chair once again! The rather charming begging letter I received from Glenda outlining the myriad reasons why she desperately needed this weekend away also contained a few items to place me in the right frame of mind: a pair of Wallace & Grommit socks (I've darned the holes where the big toes poked through, and they'll be freshly laundered before being returned to you, pet) and a CD. I had to nip out to purchase my own 1 kg bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk from Woolies and a Chilean Chardonnay from the Asda (thanks for the vouchers, ducks, they were a welcome touch). Pausing every now and then to fluctuate between sipping my Concha y Toro (spicy with a good fruit flavour) and popping a tablet of choccie into my facial orifice (melting and full bodied ... or is that me after I finish the whole bar?), I nestled back to the haunting melodies of "Medieval Babes" - not a choice I would have immediately associated with Glenda, but very nice it is too. Just don't blame me if I lapse into Latin!
The Head calls in the parents of Luke, graffiti artist ordinaire, to lay down the law. Quelle horreur for Charlie Ramsden when her birth mother, Pam, enters the room. Of course, the totally believable explanation was that Luke was absolutely crushed when Miss came to his home and has had a hard time adjusting to the fact that she is his half sister. After a very stern "Learn how to spell properly" from the Head, Charlie is aghast to realise he's being let off.
The following day, Charlie pulls a sickie and is visited at home by Pam who makes it clear where her priorities lie. This tricky situation can't continue and Luke can't be moved to another school, therefore the verdict is clear - the lovely Mrs Ramsden will have to quit and furthermore stay out of my life forever! Oh Charlie, luv, you really didn't think this through, did you? Cue very large bottle of whatever is handy and buckets of tears.
Eve and Fred have returned tanned and relaxed from their honeymoon. Audrey, somewhat ungraciously I thought, tries to make amends by offering to buy Eve a drink, but Eve smiles oily and says "Not while I'm working, thanks." Eve has more important things on her mind ... like what's happened to Linda? She finds out that neither Geena nor Karen have seen hide nor hair of Linda since the wedding.
Liam Gallagher (or was it Noel?) takes a break from his day job being a rock star in Oasis and has a brow wax before venturing into the Rovers to greet Fred with a cheery "Hello, stepdaddy, aren't you going to buy me a drink?" Not, I say, not bloody likely! Eve pounces on Ryan to find out if he knows anything of Linda's whereabouts, but as he quite rightly states, when did Linda ever take him into her confidence? It's up to Audrey to break the bad news. Eve's not best pleased that all and sundry, including her new hubbie, were aware that Mike is planning on divorcing his missus. She marches him into the back to be stunned by the news of Linda's affair with Maaak ("But he's just a kid!") and Harvey Reubens. Despite having been estranged for lo these many years, her mother's intuition tells her that something is wrong ... seriously wrong.
Lordy, lordy ... look who's forty! Eileen is trying to keep this milestone quiet, which is fine with her sons who claim they don't have the money to buy her big gifts. Despite Dennis' protestations that a celebration is in order, Eileen insists she will forever remain 39. Of course the news gets out to Les and Janice. As you can imagine, he doesn't say anything to make her happier about the date but Janice is much more proactive. She and Eileen settle down with a glass of wine (probably Concha y Toro) and make imaginary lists of the perfect present ... until Dennis and Les return from the chippie. Janice secretly hands the list over to Dennis and suggests that he might find something on there appropriate to mark the occasion.
There's a classic scene in the corner shop when Candice offers her congratulations to Eileen as Todd has mentioned that it's his mum's "50th birthday or something"! Eileen is practically apoplectic as she declares "It most certainly is NOT!" as she flounces out the door. Candice mumbles something about how hard it is to tell how old wrinklies are anyway!
The big moment arrives and Eileen comes downstairs in one of Underworld's best lingerie sets to find her sons acting suspiciously - they are up, showered and dressed at nine on a Saturday morning (certainly questionable in our household!). They and Dennis claim she had insisted this day was to be ignored ("And you believed me????"), so only Todd has bought her a card, a filthy one that he had to hunt really hard for as they don't sell those kind in the Kabin. Somewhat disappointed by the underwhelming reception, Eileen does her best to salvage a semblance of dignity as Dennis tries to make amends by taking her to Roy's Rolls for her birthday ... brekkie?
As they come out the front door, her attention is drawn to the big sign hanging between the two windows: "It's Eileen's 40th birthday, but keep it quiet!" then a big brass band comes walking around the corner playing Happy Birthday. I was rather hoping it would be that one from The Full Monty, with maybe the trumpet player in a G-string, but it turned out to be from the local water pollution plant, or something!
The table is set at Roy's for a French breakfast, complete with balloons, croissants, a drink my Aunt Dorothy refers to as "Happy Orange", a souvenir of Blackpool Tower standing in for the Eiffel structure ... and Dennis, Jason and Todd, obviously just escaped from the 'Allo 'Allo set, in berets, striped jumpers and a string of onions round their necks! To top it all off, later that day, Dennis hands Eileen tickets - they're off to Gay Paree! During all of this, there's a touching moment as Janice looks at Dennis and regrets what might have been.
Eileen manages to wrangle Vik into giving her the morning off to shop for new clothes for her weekend away (funny that men just don't seem to understand that it really doesn't matter how many you already have, a holiday means new knickers). Jason teases Dennis about how much money Mum is spending, and says he's lucky she's doing her shopping here instead of in Paris. However, Eileen soon sets the record straight - she's not planning a tour of the museums or the Arc de Triomphe, but exhibiting yet more purchasing power!
Dennis blanches at the thought - he needs more money fast. Ryan is still in the Rovers, sporting a lovely black leather jacket which must have put a significant dent in that 200 he owes Dennis from the scam with car radios he conned Jason into purchasing a few months back. Putting Peter and Steve Macdonald's feeble little attempts at machismo to shame, he twists Ryan's arm and tells him he needs the money by Friday.
I must have missed the bit where Mike Baldwin went to a trade show and left Janice in charge (trying hard to concentrate on digesting too big a mouthful of chocs and wine, I suppose), but Ryan spies her counting out the wages and begs a sub. Janice is having none of it as this is her moment to shine so, Writers, please let's not have another cash snatch in less than a month!
All the girls gather in the shop to pump Sunita for news on how the date with Duggie went. May I interrupt myself at this point to state how much more suited to her face are Deirdre's new specs. Ashley was right - not only do "they take years off you!" but dare I say it ... I can now see how attractive she is (and believe me, I never thought I'd ever hear myself pronouncing such a statement!). But, I digress.
Sunita isn't saying too much but the game is given away by Duggie blurting out in front of the "gurrls" how much he'd like to take her out again. Unfortunately, he can't get anyone to work his shift at the Rovers and prepares a light meal of warmed up frozen dinners from Freshco for the two of them. He profusely apologises to Sunita as his original intention had been to take her to Delphine's but the hussy sidles close, throws her arms around him and says "But at Delphine's, I wouldn't have been able to do ...this!" and plants a big wet one on him (and kisses him, too). Duggie appears quite happy with the change in plans after all!
While I'm dishing out compliments, it's really a pleasure to see Gail with a smile on her face, too. Such a change, and although the new hairstyle isn't much of a departure from the old, it does remove the rather rat-like physiognomy she used to present to the world. It seems to have captured Richard's heart as he makes various attempts to whisk her away for a drink, dinner, a holiday but she's having none of it while there's laundry to be ironed (for heaven's sake, how much ironing does polyester take?). I had thought Audrey might offer to lend a hand, but no such luck. Her contribution to the conversation consisted of "I'm assuming you meant only Gail!"
Now, Geena is undoubtedly the most attractive of barmaids with a congenial personality. I'd be pleased to be on the receiving end of one of her mega watt smiles anytime, in a platonic sort of way I hasten to add. Come to think of it, Dev is really rather tasty himself [sorry, Glenda, but I never did see Spider as a sex symbol] and together they add the kind of glamour to the Street which hasn't been seen since ... ermmm ... Roy and Hayley? ... Hilda and Stan? ... Elsie Tanner and Len Fairclough? ... ermmm ... rewind. Together they add the kind of glamour to the Street that easily rivals Steve and Mel in EastEnders!
However, if there is one area in which the lovely Geena falters, it is her taste in undeniably tight and trashy outfits. She has slaved over a vegetarian meal (despite Dev's protestations that although Hindu, they are very "relaxed") and cleaned the flat to sparkling perfection, but the outfit she selects to meet his parents for the first time is somewhat lacking in material. It would not have been my choice to select a cut of fabric which simply screamed "Here is my cleavage, please admire my bosoms", transparent on the back apart from a sprinkling of sequins and slung low on the hips revealing an expanse of about five inches of nicely tanned belly, but then again I am naturally more conservative by nature. [Look at chocolate, look at Geena, look at Dev, look at Wallace & Grommit socks tucked into fluffy bunny slippers. Eat chocolate anyway.]
She has certainly made an impression upon his father, Ranjiv, who cannot be pried from Geena's side. However, his accountant mother has some major concerns, expressed privately to Dev in the bijou kitchen, that as a barmaid, Geena doesn't have the same sort of career plans she would have expected from a potential girlfriend of her beloved son. It's clear to Geena that Mum isn't treating this as a serious relationship and after battling with her own mother yet again in the Rovers, she's feeling quite despondent.
Matters aren't helped any when Geena's mum confronts Dev in the corner shop, telling him that he's obviously a nice man "as ower Geena wouldn't go for rubbish" but it's just not on. Dev is becoming increasingly perturbed as is Geena who cries the day away when Dev tells her he's off to the Swinton shop Sunday (but didn't as Sunita checked). She's packed her bag (though I seem to remember a whole lorryload when Dev moved her in last week) and is stunned when Dev drops to one knee, produces an amazing solitaire bauble set in platinum and asks her to marry him. That, he is sure, will indicate to both sets of parents just how serious he is about the lovely Geena. They have all been invited for dinner on Wednesday.
Despite her blondeness, up to this point Shelley never appeared to be a few butties short of a picnic. As a matter of fact, I would have said she had the makings of a natural landlady, in the mode of the great Bet Gilroy. After confessing his abortive attempt to break into Rob Lucas' car to return the £5,000, Shelley comes up with a brilliant plan - Peter can distract Rob by buying him a drink at the counter (someone who just sacked him, puhleeze!) whilst she slips the package into his coat pocket. For someone who can reel off an entire drinks list, calculate sums in her head, give back exact change without faltering AND halt unwanted sexual interest without causing offence, Shelley fails to realise that Rob entered the Rovers in a gentleman's Burberry raincoat, not that tatty shamrock green leather jacket. Desperately she tries to recall who had been in the Rovers and off the two of them run to stop Les Battersby from thrusting all that money down his boxers so Janice won't discover it.
It turns out that Les wasn't the sudden recipient of all that wealth and Peter despairs ... until Shelley spies the jacket walking up the street to the Corner Shop. Of all people, it turns out to belong to Ken Barlow, who is absolutely astonished to pull out the largest wad he's seen in this lifetime out of his pocket to pay for his baked beans.
Not having been a trolley dolly all his life, Ken puts two and two together and, back home at No1, harangues Peter over his thieving ways. Of course, that's not the way his progeny sees it - it's all Ken's fault Peter was forced to take it because Daddy wouldn't give him the dosh! Ken gives him an ultimatum: pay back that money now or pater will pop along to the police (OK, maybe not in those exact words, but the meaning was pretty clear!).
Not a problem ... Rob comes in the following morning to see a big "Under New Management" sign fluttering in the breeze and Peter leaning back in Rob's chair with his feet up on Rob's desk. Rob's not best pleased to see him and tries to shoo him out before the New Management arrives. Spotting the smirk on Peter's face, Rob deduces "You know something about the new manager, don't you?" Peter admits that yes, he does - it's a man with far more taste, talent and luck pulling birds than Rob ever had. It gradually dawns upon Rob that the new manager is Peter himself, confirmed when the 5000 is handed over in a flourish of goodwill. With a flair of which even P.T. Barnum would be proud, we're treated to Rob's eyes bulging out of his head as he spits out threats of revenge - sometime, somewhere, by persons unknown. Funnily enough, Peter wasn't expecting it and momentarily cowers under the vengeance of The Bitter Bookie.
But never mind. The next day dawns bright and Peter, despite the fact that he doesn't actually have his licence yet, has invited everyone to the grand opening, ribbon to be cut by the lovely Shelley. There is however the minor problem of no staff as they all seemed to have been abducted by aliens (or Rob Lucas) overnight and no one has turned up for work. Peter comes dashing into the Rovers in his business outfit of shirt, tie and jeans (obviously purchased by the same wardrobe department who buys Geena's work clothes) and quizzes dear old Dad as he sits having a couple of bevvies with Blanche (who would not be my first choice for a social encounter): "How's your mental arithmetic?" Noticeably pleased at being asked to do anything for Peter which doesn't involve his own money, Ken jumps to the rescue. "What about me?" whinges Blanche. "Sorry, luv, I think I'm sorted now" replies Peter (gosh, I guess I haven't given Ken enough credit over the years as he obviously is worth three fulltime trained turf accountants). "I meant ... what about my next drink?!" she retorts. Peter tosses her a fiver. It seemed to be enough!
Roy comes in to "support his local business". He's found a horse named "Hayley's Hero" and is willing to have a little flutter ... a very little flutter of 50p! Peter convinces him to up the stakes to 1 each way and lo and behold, the long shot comes in and wins Roy a staggering 40, much to Peter's dismay, though he had originally been trying to convince Roy to go for a fiver!
Relaxing chez Barlow, Peter confides in his dad who's busy ironing (Gail - did you hear???) that he's scared of losing everything he's ever dreamed of .. the new business and a relationship (Shelley seems to have forgiven him after all). Peter snorts that he never expected to hold a girlie chat with his Dad, but then again, Ken does seem to have a sordid past when it comes to women. Ken didn't seem to be as amused as we were!
And as the CD comes to a finish, so do I. Thanks to Glenda, for allowing me this little moment of glory - I hope you came back from Brussels with a smile on your face. Until next time, I leave you with this thought direct from "Medieval Babes": Vini, Vidi, Velcro ... I came, I saw, I stuck around!
Hello and welcome to another weekly update. Firstly, I would like to thank Janet Penny for doing a wonderful job in the chair last week although I do wish she would have cleaned up after herself. You should see this place. There's empty wine bottles and chocolate wrappers strewn everywhere, and heaven only knows what she'd been doing with that tin of semolina. It's gone green and mouldy now but Janet if you want it back, just email me, pet. Anyway, for those of you who care, I've got a new email address (see above). And for those of you, who like me, have put up with shoddy service from cable and wireless over the past two years, well then I guess losing the old address is just a blessing in disguise. And so, with a cup of tea and a wonderful (dark chocolate!!) Tunnocks, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
Eve's beside herself with worry over Linda's whereabouts and everyone's wondering if Mike has done her in after the wedding in Yorkshire, or thereabouts. She's fretting away behind the bar at the Rovers, all big hair and cardigan and after a call from the police to say they've found Mike's car in the canal, a tearful Eve sets off with Fred to be there when the car gets pulled out of the water. Fearing the worst, Eve prepares to be told that Linda's body has been found inside the car and there's a moment of tension when the police tell her they've found an old boot. Alas, it's not Linda. As fisherman's luck would have it, it really is an old boot, but it is one of Linda's. "You know what this means?" she asks Fred. "It means she didn't walk away!", and I have to agree, wearing one boot she could have only hopped. When Mike finally returns to the street with Adam, from Scotland, D. C. Trafford (of the Centre) is in there straight away, probing and questioning, making Mike squirm. When told that his car has been found in the canal, it's time for straight talking. "If I could only have one of 'em back" he says "It'd be the car." There's gossip over the gussets in the factory as the rumour mill kicks in - what if Mike really has done away with his wife?
Ooh La La. Dennis whisks Eileen away to gay Paree for her 40th birthday and there's a lovefest all round as the pair of them go all continental on us with Eileen practising her school girl French "Je t'aime, yer great fat wazzock". Mind you, she did better than I did in Brussels last weekend. My schoolgirl French is just about forgotten and I had to live on une fromage baguette et frites s'il vous plait all weekend 'cos I couldn't remember how to ask for anything else. Before they head off on their trip, Dennis puts the frighteners on Ryan to repay him the 200 he's owed and there's only way for Ryan to get it; he nicks it from the factory after fiddling his expenses. Flustered with the stress of management at the factory, Janice doesn't notice the error and hands him the two hundred quid instead of the twenty he's due.
With Dennis and Eileen away in Paris, Jason reckons it's time for Todd and Candice to sleep together. Todd isn't sure but when he puts the idea to Candice, she seems keen enough, until that is, they're climbing the stairs together and Todd says he still isn't sure it's a good idea and then the two of them come to sort of a mutual decision not to do it. Not yet, anyway.
Poor Janice, it's just not her week. It's that great event in the Battersby calendar - their seventh wedding anniversary this week and Janice splashes out on tickets for Guns n Roses and Les is overjoyed - but Janice is less so. Moist with excitement at the sight of a huge gift-wrapped box in the Rovers, Janice opens it in full view of most of the regulars, including Dennis and Eileen. And you just know it's going to be awful, whatever it is. And it was. It's a flippin' deep fat fryer. With tears in her eyes and regret in her soul, she tells Dennis "I waited seven years for.. a deep fat fryer." Dennis' heart goes out to Janice (but wait until next week, his heart goes out, his tongue goes in and his trousers fall down. Tune in for more).
I thought Janet's comments last week about Geena were spot on. She is gorgeous. She's the sort of mate you want to come round to do your make up for you before you go out on a big date. She's the sort of mate you want to come round and do your hair for you before you have a big interview. Oh who am I kidding? She's the sort of mate you want to be. Anyway, with boobs a-popping and flowers in her hair, she celebrates her engagement with Dev at a party for their friends. Surprisingly, Dev's parents turn up and so does Geena's mother (I just love her Elsie Tanner voice, don't you?) so it's handbags at ten paces and a fight over who's the better monther / most stylish dresser: "Is it Marks and Spencer?" Elsie Tanner asks Mrs H. about her outfit. "No, Prada." Mrs H. snorts down her long and fine nose as Mr H joins in with The Timewarp on the living room floor and the girls from the factory get very drunk in the corner. A wonderful scene and Deirdre's a scream, it must be those new glasses of hers. Geena's mum lets her feelings known to Des "you're all teeth and open shirt" and tells him he'll never be good enough for her daughter. So can our loving duo survive with so much parental pressure on them to part?
Meanwhile, in the salon, Audrey takes on Maria as her new assistant which cheers Maria up instantly although Audrey's concerned that the only hairdressing Maria has done before has been dog grooming in the kennels. Maria's sure she can cope (at least she'll be able to do a shampoo and setter). Anyway, Maria's just come back from Spain, feeling bored with her job at the kennel, miserable over losing Tyrone and to top it all off, her dog's gone and died. When Tyrone finds Jason in the cafe comforting his ex, he assumes they're a couple so reluctantly agrees to give in to Fiz's demands for a night out together.
Elswhere this week, Dick and Gail have managed to get away on holiday together, leaving Audrey at home to look after the kids.
And just a quickie to end on this week, there were two of the most peculiar looking extras walking down the street in one of the scenes this week. Actually, they weren't so much extras, more oddments.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
Sorry folks, there's no update for this week.
Sorry folks, there's no update for this week.
