6 November 2001

Another update from and another round of applause for the lovely Janet Penny while I take a well deserved break from writing the updates for a few weeks - Glenda.

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janet.penny@polk.co.uk

Greetings again, dear Streeties! It's been quite a noisy week up here in Yorkshire with all the fireworks and practice sessions for Bonfire Night, but I did escape for a few days as I had some business in Germany. Thankfully the video recorded the most important parts of my viewing week, and the football match didn't run over to interfere. Which brings me to a very important point ñ if Match of the Day has been booted out of its Saturday night spot for Cilla and Blind Date, then why can't the Football Association change its schedule so that they plan matches for nights when Corrie isn't on (though lately that isn't often)? There's quite a contingent of "No footie on terrestial TV" United supporters who are fed up with Corrie being booted around the schedule for a bunch of overgrown kids having a bit of a kickabout, though I personally wouldn't go that far ñ keep footie for Saturday and Sunday afternoons and leave the rest of the viewing schedule alone! Right, rant over and I am now feasting on some delicious German choccies and wine as the Corrie Update for October 31 ñ November 5 rolls out.

It's Hallowe'en on the street. The Corrie Coven (ie Blanche) is in the Kabin buying some spare replacements for her broomstick whilst generally spreading gleeful cheer. She announces that with all that red hair, Rita would have been burned at the stake a few hundred years ago. Rita casually flicks said hair off her face and casts a spell on Blanche to make her really mean and catty (oops, too late ñ someone else got there first). Paying absolutely no heed, Blanche stormed ahead, consigning Gail to the flames, though I'm not sure what the charge would have been ñ bewitching all her children so that no one on the Street notices that they have suddenly changed into completely different people, perhaps.

Jack is escorting all and sundry across the road in his official capacity as Lollipop Man as Vera tries to talk about Terry. However, Jack points out that they row every time they do, and he's not prepared to discuss their son.

Gail asks Vera how Terry is coping. He's not doing well ñ he's been in prison before but this time it's different, this time he is innocent! But, she's going to do the best for Ower Terry by hiring him a lawyer. "But aren't lawyers expensive?" puzzles Gail. Well, yes, but Terry will have some money put aside, and what better way to spending yer money than by proving yer innocence? Gail doesn't look convinced.

Vera goes to see Mike and asks him about hiring his solicitor, and hang the cost. After trying to talk her out of it (though it's evident that Vera believes that Terry will be paying), Mike finally gives her the details.

Jack suggests to Vera that they go for a drink after work, but she's going to be busy going into town. Jack assumes she's off to purchase a little something for his 65th birthday later this week. He's all for a miniature TV he can put into his little shed on the allotment to watch the racing, but she's not impressed. The next thing, he'll be wanting a microwave and then he can just live there! It's obvious that Vera has something more family-oriented in mind as she is thrilled when the solicitor (sorry, I didn't register the name) agrees to take her case on. There's going to be some sort of celebration to mark the occasion and, as Vera invites Rita to join the festivities, Norris yawns that he's not busy Wednesday night, and will mark it in his social calendar. The looks on both ladies' faces was most amusing!

Charlie confides to Matt that she has A Plan to get Luke and Sarah together. Matt is a bit sceptical, but Charlie bets him a full body massage (the hussy!) that it will.

Luke and Sarah turn up for their detention at the library. Charlie instructs them to sort out a pile of books and take posters down off the walls, then leaves them to get on with it. Sarah is still annoyed that the only person to care about not wearing her school uniform was Mrs Ramsden and Luke provides the reason for his detention. Unfortunately, he mangled his words so badly, I didn't have a clue what he was saying, even though I played the tape three times. Sarah is obviously more experienced in teen mumbling than me and all of a sudden, the two are looking at each other in a different light. In pops Charlie to tell them it's getting dark (no kidding, I think sunset is somewhere in the neighbourhood of 4:40 these days) and they should be getting off home. Luke's chivalrous nature comes to the fore; he offers to escort Sarah, and she accepts.

They are lazing around the Medical Centre when Sarah asks about the graffiti and is shocked when Luke reveals that Charlie is his half sister. Suddenly, it all pours out about how she was adopted and looked for her birth mother, only it turned out to be his mother. They gaze into each other's eyes and Luke asks her out. Sarah happily accepts.

As Charlie and Matt cross the street to the Rovers for the big Hallowe'en Event, Charlie spots them and immediately claims her prize, though I personally would have waited until I was back in the privacy of my own home.

Next morning, Candice and Sarah Lou stroll arm in arm to the bus, the former trying to convince the latter that the date with Luke should be turned into a foursome, but Sarah Lou's not having any of it. Who would have thought that Miss Platt would be grateful to Charlie Ramsden for giving her detention!

After school, Candice wants to know what Sarah and Luke talked about at dinner time, but Sarah tells her to stop pestering her about her love life. Candice takes her comment semi-seriously ñ "Wot ñ you luv 'im??? Sarah Platt, behave yourself, you've only known him five minutes! My mother was right about you ñ you'll get a reputation!" As Sarah rightly replies "Wot, another one?"

Under the watchful eye of Gail, Luke comes to pick Sarah up for their date and makes quite a good impression as he's a natural with Bethany.

Round at Molly's, that little homemaker Kevin is rehanging her curtains, not very well it has to be said. There's a loud noise, and Kev realises just how scared Molly really is. He won't take no for an answer ñ she's coming home with him and joining the Hallowe'en party with the girls. Visibly relieved, she allows Kev to take charge. Perhaps this is all Kev requires in his life to make him a better person ñ to be needed ñ as Molly does seem to bring out the best in him. The party foursome is in full swing and a grand time is had by all.

It's morning in the Webster household and Molly walks in to find Kev buttering toast. No honey, but Molly will make do with marmalade. She appreciates him letting her stay, but its time for her to return to her own flat.

Later on, Gail and Molly have a drink in the Rovers. If Molly is uncomfortable staying with Kevin, she can always check into Chez Platt, but although Molly is scared stiff, she's adamant she has to go back to her flat and the sooner she does, the better. If she doesn't conquer her fear now, she never will as she just doesn't have the money to afford anything better.

Gail has a private word with Kev to let him know that Molly was singing his praises and that she's petrified about moving into the flat. He asks Molly if she's sure she wants to move back; she insists she's ready to go. But Kev persists and asks her to move in with him ñ as a friend. "My saviour", Molly cries, throws her arms around him and packs up the few treasures not swiped by the bandits.

When Kev breaks the news to Rosie and Sophie that Molly is going to become part of the Webster household, the little one beams and asks if she can be a bridesmaid as she still has her dress from her mother's aborted wedding (perhaps she didn't use exactly those words!). As uncomfortable as if she'd just asked him a question on S-E-X (though one would have thought that the revolving door that's her mother's bedroom would have provided her with all the information she needed on that particular subject), Kev explains that Molly is a mate and there's no wedding. Well, not yet but I suspect that something may eventually happen down the road. Rosie just wants Molly to paint her nails, though it's apparently something Sally has banned.

Molly hooks up a container filled with streamers over the door. Unfortunately, it's Sally who is first through to be dumped upon, though everyone else finds it hilarious. Molly apologises and Sally not-so-graciously accepts. She's more than a little surprised to see her there and hear the news about Molly's new home; her face tells the story in volumes far louder than words. And she's also not best pleased about the nail varnish.

When later in the day Kev and Molly spot Martin and Sally, she goes over to apologise once again. At our house, jaws dropped to the floor when Sally actually has the gall to declare that when you have children, you have to be really careful about who you let into their lives. The little hypocrite! At least the gurrls already knew and liked Martin, but what about that hunky mechanic (the one who left to make it in the music world and didn't), Danny and absolute walking disaster known as Greg Kelly? She'll be lucky if Rosie and Sophie aren't emotionally scarred for life.

Martin notes that Molly and Kev aren't actually living together in that way and Sally responds that she wouldn't really mind if they were, but Martin is distracted by Luke and Sarah mid-snog outside the Ramsden's.

In the Rovers, the Halloween party is on the way. Duggie introduces the Great Orlando, hypnotist extraordinaire, though no one actually believes (s)he is susceptible to that sort of nonsense. Orlando says that he can hear a voice calling him from the other side. With a sideways look at Mike, Fizz maliciously sings out "Oh, Lin-da!" Mike tells Betty to forget about his Scotch and walks out. After a bit of help from the audience, Orlando determines that it was Edna trying to get in touch, probably to complain that it's not hot enough.

Back at his flat, Mike is stunned to see "You're Dead" written in lipstick on his living room mirror. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that it was Jimmy Sykes (though personally I think that's more a female ploy, plus I've never actually seen Jimmy pull out the lippy for a quick touch-up).

In the Rovers, Orlando hands Curly an onion, tells him it's a juicy apple and Curly hungrily bites into it. Bit of a shock as I've never actually seen anyone eat fruit (or veg masquerading as fruit) on the Street. It's a wonder they aren't all suffering from scurvy, particularly the Webster children. For all her other faults, at least Gail does provide a well-balanced meal for her offspring. The amount of fish sticks, baked beans, burgers and sweets Rosie and Sophie go through is astounding. In an earlier episode, even Sunita remarked upon it when asked about Sally - "Her who buys all them fish sticks!" And, I'm beginning to think that Sally suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder the amount of times she orders the girls upstairs to wash their hands. They must have the cleanest digits in the UK!

But I digress. Meanwhile he goes over to Blanche and asks who her movie idol is. "You'll" she replies, a bit confusingly. "I'll what?" he ponders. "Yul Brynner" she sighs. "Oh look," Orlando suggests as Norris enters the Rovers, "there he is. What do you want to do?" Kiss him all over is her reply. Orlando encourages her to act out her fantasies. Without pausing for breath, Blanche is all over Norris who is aghast at this unexpected turn in events!

Meanwhile, Les, Janice, Dennis and Eileen are seated at a table. Les callously pushes Dennis' head into the water as he bobs for apples, and jeers at all the happenings. Orlando then veers over to them and hypnotises Les into revealing the most exciting moment in his life. "It was my wedding night," Les beams and there's a little smile on Janice's face. "That kiss was the most exciting thing I've ever experienced, and I didn't know how far it would have gone had ower Leanne not walked into the Ladies' bog at that instant." Janice looks a bit bewildered. "Oh, Janet!" Les cries out, hugging himself (Note: though there are a few men who would no doubt be delighted to provide glowing testimonial dinners for me, I have no hesitation in stating that Les Battersby would never have been one of them!). "Oooh Ö Janet!!!!" Orlando smiles at Janet as he tells her she's made her husband very happy. "I'm not Janet" she glares. "That's my bleeding sister!" Hurt beyond belief, she throws a pint of beer over Les and runs out of the pub sobbing.

Next morning, Les is appreciative that Dennis let him stay at theirs, but Dennis points out that it's time for him to be moving on. Les asks Dennis to talk to Janice for him as she'll listen to him (and how!) ñ she respects his opinion (and much more). Dennis will do what he can.

Les pleads with Toyah to talk to Janice ñ he's been faithful to her since the day they wed, but as Toyah points out, that's only because no one else will have him. Toyah wavers during Les' apparently sincere protests.

The private detective hired by Mike has discovered that Linda hasn't taken any money from the accounts nor made any phone calls, both of which Mike knew already. Mike tells him he needs to try harder as the police are breathing down his neck and he's getting desperate.

Hoping to cheer her up, Fred, looking quite svelte I must say (wonder what his secret is), tells Eve that Mike's hired a private investigator to find Linda. He feels it's not the actions of a guilty man, but unbending Eve claims it's the actions of a guilty man trying to cover it up.

The plods come back to tell Mike that they have a witness who saw him at the river when his car was fished out. Mike's astounded, but is told to present himself at the station in the morning to stand in an identity parade.

In the Rovers, Mike confides his concerns about the upcoming identity parade to Fred. He's innocent, yet what will happen if she picks him out? Fred commiserates until Eve walks in, then he scuttles over to her side. He can suck up to her all he likes, but she's not impressed.

Audrey asks whether she can join Mike in the booth (ooh, this combination never occurred to me before!) as she's somewhat annoyed that someone else has become the Street confidante. She tries to cheer Mike up, but he's sure that if this witness doesn't pick him out, the Bill will only look for something else. He reveals that he has hired a detective to find Linda and pooh-poohs Audrey's suggestion that the lipstick message on the mirror is Linda. Mike replies that he doesn't know where she is, but he's sure that Linda is a long way away. Not as far away as Edna, though and she left a message!

Janice unlocks the door for Dennis who, instead of walking straight into her arms, tells her he's on a mission for Les to convince her to take him back. She wants to cuddle instead, but mid-snog, there's a noise at the door. It's Toyah, who's also there to plead on Les' behalf. However, Janice doesn't "curr" anymore ñ it's over.

Orlando comes in for his payment from a pleased Duggie. Les spies him and begins shouting the odds as Orlando is responsible for breaking up his marriage. However, Les has a cunning plan ñ Orlando can make up for it by hypnotising Janice to make her forget what Les said! Orlando refuses and to stop Les' haranguing, tells him that if Les doesn't leave him alone, Orlando will have him barking at the moon and screaming like a monkey every time he comes into the Rovers!

Duggie finally convinces a Les wallowing in self pity to go home. Dennis comes over to break it off with Janice but she's back to cuddling as she wants to be with him forever. He feels the same, but he can't see a happy ending. She's in his arms as Les breaks in through the back door. Dennis claims he was there to talk Janice into coming back. Dennis tells her in front of Les that she has to take him back. In a small voice, she agrees. Les is jubilant, both Janice and Dennis are miserable, but he doesn't notice.

The next morning, Les, tastefully attired in boxers and socks, brings Janice breakfast in bed. He thinks he's cracked it as he's even made her soldiers to go with the boiled egg! He is shocked when she tells him she's slept on it, and isn't willing to go back to the same routine. It's her turn to be stunned when Dennis tells her that they have to finish as he loves Eileen, and her too. Janice is thrilled as she's wanted him to say that, but tells him that she'll make it easy for him and she'll finish it instead. The next thing you know, Dennis cries out in emotional pain and tells her he can't do it ñ they'll work it out somehow.

After the success of the Great Orlando, Duggie presses Sunita to provide her opinion on a Quiz Night for the Rovers. She screws her face up in that way people do when they're trying not to tell you the truth as she searches for the right word to describe it. Eve jumps to the rescue with "Stimulating". Duggie asks Sunita for dinner so they can discuss it further, but she's promised to go clubbing with Vik and Bobbi. "There's no rush" Duggie replies, "we can go clubbing." Sunita is somewhat surprised that the OAP is up for it, as she didn't think it would be his kind of thing. However, her kind of thing is now his kind of thing!

Later on, Sunita and Peter come in the Rovers, both looking quite glam. Duggie asks if he is dressed right for the night. Peter enquires where they are going? "Clubbing!" Duggie proudly replies. Shelley smirks. "You can come along too, if you like" he continues. Peter sniggers that he's too old for clubbing. Swinger Duggie does the geriatric twist (the one where you don't move too much, just snap your fingers) and says you're never too old for clubbing. Shelley tries to control her amusement, with only limited success.

The next day, Shelley is giggling as Duggie has sent her out to buy a therapeutic rub for his aching joints. Sunita thoughtfully considers her future with a wrinkly, particularly when they meet outside the shop and he does that silly little swaying dance that men of a certain age without any rhythm do. It's obvious that Duggie's days are numbered.

With Audrey's support (she has accompanied him) but against the solicitor's advice, Mike agrees to take part in the identity parade. If I had been the witness, I would have picked him out immediately, as he kept fidgeting, looking around and generally behaving in a most guilty manner, but the witness can't be sure it's him.

The next day, he's back to his old self, escorting a mystery woman out of her car and into the Rovers. Eve is absolutely beside herself when she sees Mike with his hand on her knee and slates him in a very loud voice for not only what he's done to Linda, but for starting up with another woman young enough to be his daughter while hers is still missing. Turns out that she was a potential buyer that Mike had been buttering up, but she'd only gone to lunch with him to satisfy her curiosity about the rumours going round. Mike starts to become concerned about his reputation, as well he might.

Now I don't know about anywhere else, but on Sunday night, there was something called Mischief Night in parts of Yorkshire, sort of the opposite of Hallowe'en, where tricks are handed out instead of treats. It carried over to Bonfire Night on the 5th of November, which was celebrated over the UK with fireworks, for all you Canadian viewers who had been asking if it had been cancelled.

David has been collecting wood for a bonfire and has made quite an ugly effigy of a Guy, complete with a really repulsive brown checked suit, for burning. Richard is really getting into the surrogate dad role and suggests that he buy some fireworks. You can tell that David has been won over as he beams "Thanks, Richie!" instead of the usual "Dick". Initially, Gail isn't too pleased ("What about Barney and all the smoke?"), but as she's been outvoted (David suggests that Barney can stay in her room), gives in and at the Rovers, invites all and sundry to a party. Les is enthusiastic and, after Gail departs, offers to get some fireworks from his mate on the cheap. Richie's impressed and eagerly accepts the offer.

As they munch on a healthy snack of chips, Candice tells Sarah that she needs to copy her homework. What with working at the Christmas ornament factory and all, she hasn't had a chance to do it. Sarah tells her it's the last time and Candice promises she'll never ever ask again. Till next time, probably.

The food's out on the table, the guests have arrived, but there's no Les and no fireworks. Gail begins to worry and begins to give Richard the "I told you so" speech when Les shows up. Unfortunately, the fireworks go off like a damp squib. That's because they are damp squibs! Janice is fed up with Les showing her up yet again. Les stomps off to the Rovers, complaining to anyone who would listen (ie Duggie) that he was out of pocket by 10 quid, but did anybody care about him!

Matt leans over the fence to invite them all to share their fireworks. Maxine, wearing a fake fur hat that looks like a low-rent Liz Taylor number from the 70's isn't too thrilled with the Ramsden's taking part, particularly when Ash asks Matt for his opinion on a baby name!

David and his friend Simon are fascinated by the special firecracker Matt's saving till last, and quickly palm it when he's not looking. They then disappear as Simon tries to convince David it would be great fun to light it and shove it through a letterbox.

Now, is it me, or does anyone else think that Simon is the spitting image of the old Nicky Tilsley from about 7 years ago, before he went off to Canada, returning about eight inches taller with an impressive six-pack?

Anyway, there's a shot of Luke and Sarah cuddling in a way I never would have done at age 15, on a second date, in front of my mother. Candice whispers in Sarah's ear, and Sarah explains to Luke that she has to go and give Candice the homework. Todd, acting quite jealously for someone who is dating her best friend, tells Luke to make the most of it (so to speak) as he gives the relationship about five minutes as Sarah won't stay with someone who's not too bright. Luke retorts that Candice isn't the sharpest pencil in the case and reveals that she's indulging in the kind of activities which won't go down too well with Mrs Ramsden.

Janice has been watching Dennis and Eileen together and is getting more and more upset. She escapes to the factory, sobbing yet again. Eileen's a bit cold as she didn't throw on the extra layers that everyone else has been wearing the past few days, so Dennis volunteers to go home and fetch her something. He looks around for Janice and goes over to the factory. They can't resist and even though Eileen is shivering to death in the Platt back 40, rip off their clothes and get down to (dirty) business. They don't even notice when a firecracker is pushed through the letterbox and lands in a pile of best undies. It must really be hot lurve as it takes them quite a while for them to notice the smoke and flames. Dennis stretches for the fire extinguisher as Janice moans "Be careful!"

Gail looks around for David and Simon in the backyard (it didn't take long) and then wanders out front to spot the smoke and flames pouring out of Underworld. She screams and the rest of the guests, leaving the fireworks unattended in a massive breach of health and safety regulations if I may say so, storm into the close. Ash runs into the Rovers to get Mike who tries to go inside, but is held back. Les can see someone inside fighting the fire and just as Mike breaks away, Janice and Dennis cough their way outside after beating the flames.

Janice, between coughs, explains to the crowd that she says she was doing some paperwork and Dennis, seeing the flames, came in to rescue her. Mike accuses her of smoking but Dennis produces a burnt out firework. I wonder if Janice and Dennis will realise that they've just come too close to being found out far too often?

Both Matt and Gail suggest the boys were responsible, as Matt recalls their interest in the special firework which is now missing, but Simon opens his hand to reveal it still there.

The episode closes with Jimmy Sykes gloating as he stands apart from the throng.



13 November 2001

Oh ... helloooo.... it's you ...... I wasn't sure you'd remember .......... let me just bolt the front door so we're not disturbed ............ The Weatherfield Colliery Brass Band? I think it's very unlikely they'd creep up the back passage & effect an entry without one of us realising..... don't you?

Sorry, Purple Prose Syndrome is still closing down parts of Weatherfield. The Common Sense Centre, the Sensible Plot Tea Rooms and the High Probability Kitchen Unit Display facility are all still out of action while various members of the cast creep around into and out of their trysts, pacts, cats and wives.

Yes, Glenda noticed there were a number of 5-episode weeks coming up so she's co-opted her old muckers to take over the Update until things settle down again.

BTW, unspeakable germs have invaded my body this week so if my summaries lack a little sparkle, please forgive. And if you get any icky streams of cyber-mucus on your fingers from opening this Email - Soz.

So - Jack's 65th looms. He's made a huge fry up to treat himself but Tyrone hints Vera has already thought of a culinary treat so Jack gives the Coronary Special to Monica, only to find Vera has made a special purchase of a bag of rabbit food and a carton of skimmed milk. That, and a card from R Turry 'Am chained to wall in Squire's Dungeon - Wish you were here' serve as overture to Jack's day of Fun. The Grrrlz have more cards for him, Fizz is willing to jump out of a cake 'if Vera can make one big enough' and the presence of a lady in Crossing Guard Uniform 'I'm not a strippergram owd lad so don't get yer 'opes up' brings home to Jack the message that he's retired. And not in a nice way.

Jack brings his old pals Stan and Ernie (Eric and Ernie? Stan and Ollie? Bud and Lou? Patsy and Eddie?) into the Rovers so they can ogle their favourite barmaid - Betty Luv - and studiously ignore Jan & Den , the star cross'd lovers, secretly plotting their love life while standing at the Public Bar in Weatherfield's busiest Public House at the height of it's busiest Public Opening Hours. Still, they seem to get away with it.

Eve tackles Jimmy about the fire at Underworld. Jimmy talks back & Eve cautions him 'Don't be smart'. Well, Duh, is *that* wasted advice? After pushing an unlit firework through his letterbox opening (Come on, come on), Jimmy ''cleverly'' makes a deal with Mike to get him off the hook about Linda by producing ''evidence'' that Linda has been in touch with him. Obviously, that's likely to go well.

Vik turns up in a brand new JamesBondorghini sports car & gives Karen a ride (you're on your own here). Obviously, living in a part of Greater Manchester where you take two busses just to get to the car park, this is exactly the sporty vehicle a young stud about town would buy with no warning, no leering over catalogues and no exhaustive enquiries from a Finance Company. Clearly not been introduced just so it can be part of some far-fetched story line & then forgotten about. Charlie discovers that Sarah & Candice have been copying and assumes the bright one (Sarah) has been copying off the thick one (Candice) so gives Sarah detention.

A bunch of flowers turn up for Eve. Oh My! They're from her long-lost daughter! Linda Lives! She Lives! Well, obviously Eve is not convinced for a second. Plus she's started wearing frocks that show her bra, and not in a nice way. She wears those things with heavy-duty straps & industrial fastenings - the sort of stuff you used to get from the Army & Navy round the back of Tib Street.

Maria has decided to give her share of the 1,000 quid back to Jack & Vera & urges Tyrone to do the same. Shelley persuades Peter to give Jack a job at the Bookies. But then Duggie offers him a job as potman at the Rovers. Jack is being headhunted! And in a nice way! On Health & Safety Grounds, Jack chooses the Rovers. Meanwhile, Duggie is organising a Fun Quiz Night. I think we can expect that to go well.

Dennis runs across the busiest Public House in Weatherfield to accost Jannis at the Public Bar at the busiest Public Opening Hour to fix up a quickie for later. Still, he seems to get away with it. Dennis and Janice intertwine in the Battersby's front room, with a video of Carousel in the background (not playing, I just noticed it on the shelf). Jennis wants to know - if she's avin one of them affurrs, why isn't she enjoyin it?

Luke makes Sarah tell Charlie the truth about Candice. Charlie naturally tells Gail. Norris gets into training for the Quiz night & makes one of his rare errors by telling Rita that Sidney Carton says 'It is a far, far better thing I do....'

Duggie has problems with the radio mike. (Not problems with the radio, mike. Problems with the radio mike) that has been purchased especially to amplify his voice throughout the acoustic vastness of the pub where previously public announcements were made by people saying 'Could you all stop what you're doing for a moment, I've got something to tell you.' Anyway, the Kabinet win the quiz. Sunitta takes Duggie into the back room to break it off (you're on your own again) but, horrors!, the mike has been left on. Duggie's wretched grovelling is being heard all round the Pub. Shelley goes back to warn him. He throws her out. She decides not to shout 'The Mike's still on' through the door. Apparently. Anyway, she says nothing, no-one turns off the speaker in the lounge & Duggie's snivelling is broadcast in stereophonic sound with Shockwave Plugin. The next day, Duggie & Sunita say their final farewells.

Gail ransacks Sarah's wardrobe & discovers all Candice's special purchases. (Obviously, like all the teenage girls I've ever known, Sarah's wardrobe was one of those deserted places where tumbleweed blew across the floor when you opened the door so there was stacks of room for Candice's makeover material. Which practically fills Gail's living room) Gail summons Candice & her Mum. Candice has a good try at the 'never seen these clothes before in my life' speech but the truth about her factory job comes out.

Jan n Den cavort half naked in the living room & are interrupted by les arriving with a bag of chips. Den escapes via the kitchen. Norris surprises an intruder at Emily's (keep up at the back) but it turns out to be Spider, back from the exotic East.

Molly proudly tells Kevin 'I've got a date' and he restrains himself from replying 'What, for a mammogram, like?', realising that other men may covet the lovely Molly as much as he does. In fact, she is due to see 'John' the Rep from Medical Supplies. I expect that will work out well.

Candice offers to 'forgive' Sarah. Sarah wants to know would this be forgiving her for letting Candice copy her homework, forgiving her lying to protect Candice or forgiving her for generally covering up for her mate?

Jimmy arrives at Underworld with a large friend whom Mike just has time to address, winningly, as 'Oi, Monkey Boy' before being stuffed into a box and rotated on his own executive swivel chair. Jimmy still wants his payoff for the 'flowers from Linda' wheeze. However, Fred has tipped off Eve & the pair of them rescue Mike.

Toyah and Spider renew acquaintance. Spider is as charming, twinkly, elfin, touchy-feely, tree-huggy as ever. Until Toyah tells him of her assault by Phil Simmonds. Something of an understatement to say Spider takes it badly. He's like King Lear in the Storm scene, he weeps, he rages, he tears his hair, he gnashes his teeth, he shoots, he scores, he gnashes a spare pair of Aunt Em's teeth, he threatens to disembowel himself with a crochet hook ... in brief, he feels her pain. Soul mates.

And over at the Battersbys, Les offers Janice his last prawn cracker

And there we have it for another week, my little Corrie-sters. Have a Lovely Christmas and don't forget - put the bolt on the front door before removing underwear.

John Dean
Oxford
john@jdean62.fsnet.co.uk



20 November 2001

My thanks go to John Dean for last week's update and to Janet Penny for this week's update, below. I'll be back soon - Glenda

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janet.penny@polk.co.uk

I must apologise for the lateness of this report. A combination of gremlins in my laptop and a faulty server prevented delivery before now. But better later than never, here is the Corrie review for the week of 14-19 November.

Before I begin though, I'd just like to mention to non-UK residents what a show they missed on last Friday's Children in Need fundraising television extravaganza. No, not the bit where Sir Cliff Richard sang into the lovely female host's cleavage, nor even the male cast of EastEnders doing their tribute to Freddie Mercury and Queen (though Big Barry seemed to enjoy his leatherette mini, stockings and suspenders just a little too much!). It was the part where various hunks from the soaps performed their strip-tease version of Lady Marmalade from the film Moulin Rouge (no, I haven't seen it either, but that's not important!). Sam has certainly come a long way since he performed as the Masked Python!!! And, I thought the "Hello, Mum" drawn on his buttocks was a really nice touch Ö After all, what better to say "I love you" to your mother on national television?

As usual, let's dismiss the minor story lines first. Eve has now noticeably thawed towards Mike after the recent bullying episode with Jimmy and his thug of a sidekick, leaving Fred with an expansive grin on his broad face. She may thunder in the tones of one who can steam-roller for Britain, but she's a fair lass!

Maxine joins Charlie and Emma for a drink in the Rovers. When Emma complains that Curly has to work late and miss their first antenatal class on Wednesday, Max immediately volunteers. Taken aback, Emma thanks her but replies that Charlie has already done so. Charlie's a bit surprised, and even more reluctant, but completely understands that Max is far too much into this motherhood thing. Charlie agrees to go along, just this once.

When last we left Spider and Toyah, the former had been sobbing uncontrollably upon hearing the recent history of his past partner. Exhausted with empathy, the two had fallen asleep on the settee. Suspicious Norris, proving to be as adept at snooping as Blanche, was still in his pyjamas, spying through the keyhole, when Emily arrives back earlier than expected. As one might imagine, the sight of Norris' backside in full bloom, as it were, momentarily startles her. However, when she discovers the object of her lodger's undercover work, she is filled with joy. Norris goes into a big sulk when his nudge, nudge, wink, wink comments are totally ignored.

However, it's nothing compared to the strop Sam gets into when he notices Sam and Toyah exchanging a big hug on the doorstep. After all, he'd already been to the Battersby's looking for her. Janice, not as energised as Les from the Chinese takeaway and night of passion the night before, had told him Toyah had left early for college.

Sam cries to Dennis "But it's not fair Ö she's MY girlfriend and I don't want him around! And besides, I have nicer buttocks than he does!" (I may have made that last bit up) but Dennis has enough on his plate what with his own love triangle (rectangle?). He tells Sam just to go and have it out with Spider. Sam stomps across the street, interrupting family lunch (in my experience, never a wise move to disrupt anyone's feeding time, just like at the zoo). Spider's protestations of mere friendship go unheeded. Emily, raising magnificently to the occasion, tells Sam in no uncertain terms that he should have more faith in Toyah, considering just what that poor girl has been through in the past year. Ashamed, Sam slinks away and at last finds Toyah. In no uncertain terms, she also hauls him over the coals, particularly as she and Spider shared no more than emotions last night. As a proud woman of the Noughties (the first decade of the 21st century), she tells him to get over it as the three of them will be having a drink later.

However, Norris isn't that far off Ö Spider has found a great location in London where he intends to open "Nugent's" ñ an organic juice bar, soon to be THE place where all the glitterati gather for their carrot and beetroot fixes. Though he has arranged some support from the bank, he's a bit short of the readies. That's if you can count 20,000 as a bit short (already he's thinking in London terms!). And, he was Ö well Ö rather wondering if Ö ermmm Ö his favourite auntie Ö uh Ö would be interested in Ö how do I put it Ö investing in an incredible business opportunity? Well, of course she is! After all, aunties are supposed to help out with cash when needed! Personal aside: Aunt Dorothy, I know you read these updates, so please pay close attention to these scenes ñ I have a very expensive year coming up!!!

Unfortunately, Auntie Em doesn't have a money tree out in the back yard (nothing ever grew in those back yards except Jack's pigeons), though she does think it's a good idea for Spider to have his inheritance when he needs it and when she can see him benefit. However, Rita has more than a few words to say on the subject ñ after all, she thought the same about Sharon, and look what happened there! Fortuitously, Richard the Financial Advisor walks into the Kabin, so Emily makes an appointment as she had previously visited the surgery to ask Gail if she thought he would mind.

The option Richard suggests for Emily is to use the equity in her home to sell it to a company who then guarantee her accommodation for her lifetime. She's convinced this is the perfect answer, though predictably Norris isn't! He is becoming more and more Percy Sugden-ish, insisting on involving himself in her affairs. When he hears about Spider's plans, he intimates nasty, dishonest things about her favourite nephew. Fiesty Emily turns on him, reminding Norris of the time he found that collector's train in the charity box she was filling. Realising its true worth, he tried to cheat Weatherfield Hospital until she put a stop to it. So, we'll say no more about Spider, shall we, Norris? Well, not for the moment anyway! After all, though he may have once been Salesman of the Year, if he's that good, why is he now selling Dolly Mixtures in a corner shop?

Back in the Rovers, the Spider/Sam/Toyah drinks party isn't going so well. Compared with the night before, conversation flows like treacle, so Spider makes a quick escape. Later in the Battersby abode, he reveals his plans to Toyah, who is excited for him. They share a kiss, and Spider is very excited. Yes, they're still truly soulmates, and he mentally makes a few alterations to his dream.

He is leaving that afternoon with the cheque from Auntie Em to return to London and proposes that Toyah join him. Maybe not today, but soon. She promises to think about it. Taking it as a given, Spider can hardly wait to share his good news with Sam, who becomes totally despondent.

Toyah discusses Spider with Janice, who would be heartbroken to see her go off to the Big Smoke. It's almost like in the film "Babe" ñ once a Weatherfield character leaves for London, they just don't return! However, she advises her to do what her heart tells her to do. Someone is going to be hurt, and she just doesn't want it to be Toyah.

As I had rather hoped, Five of Four as 'im upstairs likes to call her (it has something to do with the T-shirt she wears and her resemblance to one of the more pneumatic Star Trek characters), has decided that she cannot repeat the past. She's staying in Weatherfield to finish her degree. Spider is crushed, Sam, looking rather like an overgrown puppy, is positively beside himself with joy.

I'll just state that the Janice/Dennis lurve thang is still to-ing and fro-ing. I am terribly disappointed in Blanche as she appears to have missed the most interesting piece of gossip the street has seen for a while! One minute, they're going to try and patch things up with their respective partners, the next they are sticking their tongues down each other's throat. They're both teetering between passion and guilt, and it is clear that it's going to end badly for someone. They're going to wait until after the holiday in Tenerife to tell Les and Eileen. Or are they? Dennis has decided that he'd like to give Eileen a nice Christmas first (nice of him to bother).

Molly's got a big smile on her face ñ she has a date with John, a medical rep! Kev gets a bit bolshie, particularly when she asks him to please clear off in case she wants to bring John home. He goes off to the Rovers where Duggie suggests that as hot, single men they should head off to a new wine bar as he's got a couple of passes. Heavens knows why Duggie thinks Kev might be a babe magnet, but I suppose that there may be some desperate ones who go for the miserable big girl's blouse type.

He's in the bathroom shaving, wearing nowt more than some boxers (nice chest hair, Kev!) when Molly returns with John. He pauses for much longer than the acceptable time limit, trying to decide what to do. When he finally does make a move to step not-so quietly towards his bedroom, Molly and John spring apart from their clinch in total shock. Well, to be fair, John's considerably more shocked than Molly, as he thought she lived alone. He stomps off, never to be seen again (probably going to London). Molly screams at Kev that she's moving out. Kev stands Duggie up without an explanation as he tries to change her mind. But, that's it, she's not budging, she's off to her sister's in the morning. She tells him that she feels really sorry for Sally, having to put up with such a control-freak all these years.

Ken makes numerous attempts to make it up to her, but she's not having it. In the Rovers, she hands him back the keys. She isn't impressed with all the knowing comments people have been making lately, so he calls for attention and announces to the crowd (without benefit of faulty microphone, I may add) that they are just good friends, so the gossip can stop right here, right now. A couple of members of the Widows Club smile at each other (they probably read ahead in the script).

Molly and Kev return back to his / their place, gaze into each other's eyes and promptly jump straight into a snog. The next day, Kev confides that although he has feelings for Molly, he doesn't want to push her into anything, so they could continue to have separate bedrooms. The hussy replies that yes, they could Ö but not tonight, eh! Funny, I never knew Molly was Canadian! Actually, I think Molly will be very good for Kev as she won't let him be a miserable so-and-so!

And now to my favourite storyline of the week Ö With the Duckies returning half of the savings account back to Tyrone, he is feeling flush, and Fizz knows just exactly on whom she wants him to spend it. Vera, sizing her up precisely, tells Tyrone not to blow all his money on rubbish. Fizz has decided that they're off for a slap-up meal, complete with champagne.

She's chosen a continental restaurant, and poor Tyrone's feeling out of his depth, telling the waiter "I'll just have what she's having." His face brightens with pride, as Fizz proceeds to order three courses, all in French! Tyrone's well impressed. Fizz tells him that, as she's in the fashion industry, she thought she should learn the language of haute couture!

After gobbling it all down, Fizz announces that they are going to make a run for it. She informs him that she'll head off to the Ladies, and when she tips him the nod, he's to leg it. As soon as the door closes behind her, Tyrone scoots over to the cashier, pays the bill and scampers off down the street with Fizz, pretending it's the greatest wheeze he's ever pulled.

Fizz has also expressed an interest in going for a drive in Vikram's new car, and isn't the least put out when he laughs in her face. Poor Clyde is completely under Bonnie's control as she orders him to cut the alarm in Vik's car. She hops into the driver's seat and before you can say "No, Tyrone ñ don't do it Ö go back to Maria" she's whizzed them off into another industrial estate. At the traffic lights, a police car pulls up beside them. Tyrone shrinks into the passenger seat, but Fizz is in her element. She starts making little moues with her mouth, licking her lips, blowing kisses and generally sexually harassing the copper. Embarrassed, he speeds off!

The lights change and Fizz, looking to really put it to the test, speeds off onto the motorway. Back at Streetcars, Vik realises his car is missing. He angrily accosts Steve Macdonald, who tells him that he never noticed the alarm going off as they tend to blend into the background. Vik checks with Norris who tells him that if he ran outside every time he heard a car alarm, he'd never get any work done. Steve smirks as Norris proves the point he made earlier. Vik is absolutely gutted.

Fizz pulls off the motorway, having thought of yet another scheme. She orders Tyrone to get his kit off (shades of Children in Need!) ñ they are going to "christen" the car!! Smiles on both their faces, they walk away afterwards, probably to catch about six buses to return home. Tyrone's feeling a bit guilty, even more so when he spots a police car parked in the street.

He and Fizz are having a couple of drinks in the Rovers when Vik comes in to celebrate the good news ñ the car is back. It looks in good knick, but Vikram books Tyrone to give it the once over. He mentions he was absolutely disgusted to find a huge pair of red Granny knickers under the front seat! He's repulsed by the mere thought of what must have happened in his pride and joy. I would have felt absolutely humiliated being thought of as Bridget Jones' fat relative, but Fizz beams and confides later to Tyrone that she actually placed them there for Vik to find!

Finding little emotional support form her spouse, Vera confides in Curly about how scared she is of Terry's impending trial. Though Emma's not thrilled about his involvement, he tells Vera that she can count on him to be there with her.

At the courthouse, Terry keeps doubling up in pain from a stomach ache. The judge is solicitous without being gullible, and orders a trial for January. Due to the seriousness of the charge, there's no bail so Terry must spend Christmas and New Year in the clink. There's a view of the copper who set him up, and he does look a rum lot.

The guards take Terry to the toilet, where they uncuff him, though stay within the area to the most musical sounds of Terry in pain. He comes back out to let them know that his efforts have blocked the toilet. When they go to investigate, Terry pushes past and is off. He tries a window, but it won't budge. He legs it back into the Court, past a startled Vera and is away. The guards and a policeman run out of the building, but Terry's disappeared.

To Vera, this act just proves Terry is innocent, but Jack is far more worldly and insists it's the deed of the guilty. The police car pulls up (that's the one Tyrone sees); they're visiting to check that Terry's not back in his old room. They stress that should he be in touch, it's best to call them and let them know. There's a backshot of the alley where Terry is lurking. He notices the coppers and scurries away, luckily not in the direction of that other copper.

Terry's solicitor comes to call. She mentions that since he's on the run, she considers that she no longer has a client, therefore would like her payment. Jack waits until she leaves to blow up at Vera, particularly after finding out that it's just cost them 3,000. Tyrone walks in, and Jack thunders that he's worth ten of Terry. Poor Tyrone has a guilty look on his face, but neither of them notice. Jack's far more upset over the fact that Vera lied to him Ö how can he trust her again?

She goes off to the Rovers, and almost immediately there's a hammering on the back door. It's Terry. Jack lets him in, but tells him to leave as he's going to call the police. He actually picks up the phone, but Terry plays his trump card. What would happen if Vera hears that Jack is the one who shopped Terry? Jack slowly returns the receiver to the telephone as he agrees to listen to Terry's side of the story. He does listen, but still tells Terry to go.

In the Rovers, Brenda the new lollipop lady is praising that studmuffin ñ Jack Duckworth! She's got quite a case of the hots for him. Vera is in the next booth, listening intently. Suddenly, she can't take anymore and reverts to the old Vera, warning Lollipop Lady to keep her mittens off HER man!

As she stomps back into the house, Jack pushes Terry out the back, telling him to hide in the outside loo. Vera is suspicious that Jack is acting so suspiciously! She demands to know what's going on between him and Brenda, but he insists there's nothing. She warns him that there'd better not be. Vera then sighs as she wonders what's happened to her son.

As soon as possible, Jack heads back into the yard, giving Terry a map to the allotment and tells him to wait there. As Jack opens the gate, he is startled to run into Emma, who is sympathetic but reiterates that if Jack knows anything, he should tell the police.

Terry settles in comfortably into allotment life. Jack comes to bring supplies, but is headed off by that friend who came to his birthday party last week. Jack turns down the offer of the poker game, letting the bloke believe that he has a woman inside. He finally gets rid of him and goes inside to give Terry a food parcel. Terry is absolutely starving and tears into the big bar of chocolate (probably Cadbury's). My mate, Nick, says that when he was in a scuba diving group which included Terry in real life, he saw/heard him eat soup. From his description of extremely poor table manners, I was relieved it was only chocolate!

Anyway, by admitting to causing Judy Mallett's death and being a rotten dad to little Tommy, Terry manages to convince Jack that he is indeed innocent. But, how on earth is Terry going to get out of this mess?

That's it for me. In case I'm not talking to you again before the end of the year, the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Years to you all!

 



27 November 2001

Hello folks, it's Glenda again, back in the update chair. I'd like to give my sincere thanks to both Janet Penny and John Dean who have been writing the update for me in my absence while I took a break from writing them. I've been writing these updates now, week in, week out, since 1914 and the time was right to take a break and get on with life again. So, what have I been doing while Janet and John have been slaving away in my absence? Well, I've started writing a novel. And if anyone knows where I can get it published, please contact me (seriously). It's like Bridget Jone's Diary, only better. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

As Les, Janice, Eileen and Dennis prepare for their holiday in Tenerife, Janice reaches breaking point and decides she can't go away. As the taxi sits outside the house ready to take them all to the airport, Janice breaks down and tells Les that she's leaving him, and that she's leaving him for Dennis. Despite Bruce Jones being a terrible actor, he finally manages to put some emotion into the situation but it's when Dennis tells Eileen that the tears started to flow in our house. Who cares if Les Battersby has his heart broken? What's he ever done to enamour himself to the viewer, or his wife? All he seems bothered about at first is losing out on his holiday but he redeems himself in the end by breaking down in tears as 10cc play on the stereo. But Eileen's the innocent in all of this, along with Todd and Jason and there were some very touching and emotional scenes when the Grimshaws come to terms with being let down by someone they deeply trusted and loved. Eileen listens to what Dennis is telling her but can't quite take it all in. She goes round to see Janice to ask if it's true and makes Dennis choose between them. When he makes his choice clear, Eileen turns and walks quietly back home, retaining her dignity as best as she can after leaving Janice with her thoughts on men: "A glimpse of knicker and their brain turns to mush." Janice and Dennis leave the street hand in hand, Janice with her suitcases and Dennis with his bin-bags, spending the night in a B&B before moving into a grotty flat together somewhere cheap.

Terry's hiding out in the shed as Jack brings butties and beer to keep the lad going. Jack still doesn't believe that Terry could possibly be innocent so offers him £5K to do a runner and never darken Vera's doorstep again. But when Terry refuses the money and breaks down in tears in Jack's arms, Terry seems to be, for once, quite believable (although his acting is still way beyond disbelief). Meanwhile, Vera hasn't a clue what's going on but she's starting to wonder about Jack's shifty behaviour and assumes he's having a fling with Brenda the lollipop lady. When Jack finally tells her the truth, she's in tears too before knocking up some stew and dumplings for me laddo in the sheddo.

Unfortunately for Terry in the shed, spiders, dry rot (and a bit of tqt) are the least of his problems as Tyrone and Fiz decide to use the place as their own little love nest. Poor Tyrone, he's been easily led into temptation on the promise of a life of chips and crime with Fiz. You just know Fiz is the sort of girl who would have an odd smell about her, like a decayed anorak that was put away in the bottom of a cupboard, still damp. Anyway, after the pair of them are caught at it (you know, it) on Vera's sofa, they use the shed for shenanigans with only Monica's dog blanket (how appropriate for Fiz) to save them from splinters. When Jack finds out from Terry what's been going on, he has a word with young Ty and tells him to put a stop to it. Meanwhile at the garage, when Kev refuses to clock the mileage on cars for an acquaintance of Mr Rush, it's Tyrone that's targetted instead.

Over at Emily's, Norris is getting himself wound up over the financial advice that Richard has given Emily so she can help the lovely Spider buy his juice bar in Streatham. Norris is becoming rather a nuisance to dear Aunty Em although he's sure he's onto something - and perhaps he is? As Emily complains about Norris in the Rovers, Blanche quips: "You know who he puts me in mind of? Crippen!"

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda


Written by Glenda Young
Read my on-line newspaper - THE DAILY .DOT And don't forget Spider's Web !!


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