Firstly, I must apologise that lots of people got the update lots of times last week. This was caused by a glitch in the software that I hope won' t happen this week. Lots of people also received tons of undeliverable mail messages and some people received neither these nor the update. Some people even received the take-away menu from my local Chinese and I can't recommend highly enough 42 with fried rice. Secondly, my wholehearted thanks go to the lovely Janet Penny for writing this week's updates at VERY short notice. I'll be back next week but if you want to respond to this week's update, you can email Janet direct at janet.penny@polk.co.uk. Thirdly, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

We, the guest reviewers, normally approach our often irreverent (though always loving) tribute to the world's favourite television show by commenting on how Glenda's absences always coincide with additional/extended episodes along with (frequently wild) speculation about what she's getting up to on her time off.

However, I must admit that on this occasion I have had a hard time getting into the Corrie spirit as I was saddened by the passing of the Queen Mother. I felt dreadfully sorry for the Queen, whose eyes showed it all though did feel better after Prince Charles' poignant tribute to his grandmother. So, please excuse the lack of sparkle and wit that Glenda normally spurs us to attain in these reviews. By the way, it also didn't help that occasionally the ads were far more appealing than the storyline. Northumbria seems like a very nice place to have a bit of a holiday, for anyone who's interested.

There's a sub-plot about David messing with Richard's laptop (ooh, matron!)and Richard losing files that he never bothered to save before going out for the afternoon (idiot) which really only served to show Dick turning into the raving monster we all knew he was. Although standing right there, Gail didn't seem to notice her Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. The next day after Richard and David half-heartedly patch things up and her youngest is sent upstairs to sponge down (Gail is obviously spending too much time with Sally whose gurrls no longer have any fingerprints, they've washed their hands that often), she happily agrees that they should set a wedding date. My vote will be the first week in September - first because that seems to be a traditional date for Corrie nuptials (Peacocks, Baldwins, Elliotts) and secondly because that's when I'm on hols (our wedding actually!).

Ho hum. Bobbi confesses to Maria that she issued a false complaint about Streetcars to get back at Vik for his affair with Hazel, while the cabbies wonder when they'll be made redundant. Steve's had enough and tells Vik to ask Mr Hazel to withdraw the allegations. Of course, we all know (and in case we hadn't already guessed, the telly guide told us) that he was barking up the wrong tree, but Vik feels vindicated after he finds out this wasn't the source... once he changed his trousers. Much to my amusement, Mr. Hazel had lovingly caressed his golf club throughout the scene.

In her supportive wifely way, Karen is telling all and sundry about Streetcar's troubles, causing more dissension in the ranks. Mike Baldwin makes a few slanderous comments at Streetcar's expense and everyone gets hot under the collar.

Back at Roy's Rolls, Hayley becomes teary-eyed while chopping onions and Roy quotes from Shakespeare's Anthony and Cleopatra. She's flattered but not for long as table three needs cheeseburgers and Les is waiting on his egg and chips. However, the latter does have a few moments to let Maria know the implications of Bobbi's actions.

Feeling guilty, Maria confides in Karen who runs off to let the Streetcar Three (Vik, Steve and Eileen) know that it was indeed Vik who was responsible (sort of) for the vengeful activities.

Roy has noticed that Ken has not attended any historical society meetings lately and springs the news that the half-Bajoran Anita (I hope other people watch Star Trek and understand the reference) has moved away. They need a new president, so Ken suggests Roy put himself forward for consideration.

Sally's having money troubles because there's a new DIY Superstore opened up in town. She can't afford to buy Rosie new trainers, so her ever-resourceful daughter hits on dad who coughs up. Sally whinges to Jason and Gail that there's been no customers other than Gail looking for a screw or two (at half nine on a Bank Holiday??) and takes it out on Martin. However, she has "A Plan" - Richard could provide his special services to help her out. Right.

Curly and Emma argue over escorting Charlie to the clinic until Curly finds a new cause in the fight to stop the closure of the creche. The sit-in organised by Sarah Lou hasn't worked - the Gazette reporter seemed more interested in her age (15) and that of her child (2). Audrey is mortified to find her granddaughter's story all over the front page, but far from being embarrassed, Sarah has requested a copy of the photo. Curly's groupies accompany him to the council meeting where he interrupts the important decision over where to place hanging baskets to plead movingly for continued support of the creche. When that doesn't work, he calls for a blockade of the parking lot so the councillors can't get out. Naturally, the police send their finest - Emma - to deal with the situation!

She's immensely annoyed with him, particularly when he won't cease and desist. She packs him into the back of the Black Mariah (well, the cruiser anyway) for a caution and a slap on the wrist back at the police station for him and a load of stick from her fellow officers for her. He later apologises and seriously considers giving up council work to be a good dad to Ben. Sarah's well irritated, particularly when the only place she's offered is a bus ride away on the other side of Weatherfield. It beats me why she just doesn't ask Curly to mind Bethany, too.

I must admit that Kirk (still known in our house as Darren off The Royle Family) is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters. It's sheer magic when he and Tyrone get together! Kirk has a great get-rich quick scheme which Ty can join for 10 quid and the leather jacket Fizz gave him back when they broke up. He's invested in 200 Belgian chocolate Easter eggs which they desperately try to flog first to Dev, then Norris. Neither of them will bite (so to speak) and the situation is compounded by Maria's refusing to store them at her's any more.

In the corner shop, Kirk gets on Sunita's nerves when he asks a series of questions about the chocolate covered apples. This looks like a winner as Easter has come and gone without a single sale (though Vera gave Tyrone what-for when she caught Jack nibbling). The Duckies take Monica for a very long walk, leaving just enough time for Kirk to bring his partner in on Plan B.

He's purchased a load of apples from the market. "But, they're manky!" cries Tyrone. Ah yes, but who'll notice them under a coating of chocolate? They fill a tray full and as there's not enough room in the fridge for the chocolate to harden, Kirk covers them with a tea towel and pops them into the back yard while Tyrone prepares a couple of bacon butties (running your own business takes a lot out of a man).

The Duckies and doggie return and Monica's keen nose sniffs out a new treat to try. Tyrone is gutted that all their hard work will come to nowt. Kirk points out that all they have to do is rinse them under the tap, pop another layer of chocolate on, and bob's your uncle!

Maxine is getting more and more annoyed by what she sees as Charlie's deliberate snubs towards her. Finally, she and the bump borrowed from Hayley in the "big house" waddle next door to have it out with her. In a fit of rage, Charlie screams that she's pregnant and having an abortion, though as a blonde bimbo of a hairdresser, she certainly doesn't expect her to understand. Mind you, Charlie generally behaves as though she doesn't expect Maxine to understand that you eat breakfast in the morning.

However, in what passes for Maxine's tiny little mind, a plan is formulating and surprisingly for a female member of the street, it doesn't involve Richard. If she tells Matt, he can stop Charlie. In this way, Matt will finally get the baby he longs for and leave her alone. Initially Matt doesn't believe her, but then rushes home to hear the news from his own beloved's lips. However, she is determined to go through with the termination and not even Matt banging on the taxi window crying "Noooooo..." can stop her. Surprisingly, driver Les doesn't seem to catch on.

Upon her return, Matt has calmed down and wants to discuss their future together. But Charlie can't imagine that they have one - after all, Matt could never forgive her. Evidently having never heard that "Two wrongs don't make a right", Matt confesses that he'll forgive her if she'll forgive him and blurts out about his one night stand with Max and that the baby she's carrying is probably his. He actually seems stunned when Charlie doesn't grasp the opportunity with both hands (something which the doctor should have avoided himself, obviously) but instead tosses him into the street (not literally, though I myself would have). In her anguish, she turns to her best friend, the bottle.

Peering out from behind the net curtains, Max sees Matt with his bags. Anyone else would have wondered what to do for the best and then done it but, proving that she's as big a nincompoop as we always thought she was, the crimper pops round to Charlie for a chat. It only serves to further enrage the drunken schoolteacher who furiously taunts that as Max didn't keep her secret from Matt, she doesn't feel the need to keep Max's from Ashley.

Good old Ashley, friend and Samaritan to all, is having a spring clean in the butcher's with Uncle Fred/Dad who waxes lyrical about how shoving out all the muck and rubbish is good for the soul, then in an ironical juxtaposition which I for one appreciated, discusses Maxine. Ashley is concerned that Max isn't eating properly. Dad/Uncle Fred forgets that Max is a veggie (burger) and touts the sweetness and symmetry of a Barnsley chop, I say a Barnsley chop, for tea. Living on the right side of the Pennines, I not only can vouch for the melting goodness of lamb slowly braised for hours but have even been to Barnsley. Canadian viewers will understand immediately when I mention that Barnsley is known to all of us wearing flat caps whilst racing our pigeons and walking our whippets as the Newfoundland of Yorkshire. I can, however, highly recommend the Button Mill Inn on the A61/Barnsley Road outside Birdwell for one of the best Barnsley chops you will ever taste.

Matt is apparently suffering from temporary amnesia and forgotten that he vowed that Max meant nothing to him, it was only a one night stand and it's really Charlie he loves. Aside: is anyone else distracted by the furry bathroom mat the doctor wears on his chest so that it takes extra concentration to hear what he is saying, or is it just me? Ah, just me then.

Now, where was I ... oh yes, Matt starts banging on the Peacock's front door yelling that he's already lost one baby, he's not going to lose another ... it's not over! Maxine covers her ears while I wondered what happened to Blanche as her ears normally prick up at even a whisper of scandal.

Off Matt goes to the Rovers to be comforted by Ash, who insists that Matt moves in with them, but Matt comes to his senses and says no. Ashley had been round to Charlie to try and patch the Ramsdens up, but though she revealed Matt's affair, didn't have the heart to tell him who the hussy was. Matt pretends that Charlie still hasn't forgiven him for the incident ten years ago with her best friend. Of course, poor Ash can't remain in blissful ignorance forever, can he?

And that's it from me for this week. A belated choccie egg to you all. I'm counting down the days to the next Bank Holiday!

Janet

Greetings and apologies for another rash of delivery failure notices with last week's update. The offending email address has been taken out and shot so let's hope it doesn't happen this week. Thanks again to Janet Penny for last week's sterling effort from the updating chair while I was gallivanting about. I can always tell when Janet's been in the chair as she tidies up after herself, straightens the cushions and rearranges the blinds. Not like that John Dean bloke, oh no. There's always traces of treacle on the keyboard after John's done the update and the cat next door gets that worried look on its face. But I digress, as indeed I always do, for it is my wont, my way, regrets I have a few but then again too few to mention so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

After last week's Platt family ding-dong when David lost Dickie's data, things settle down and Richard has a man to man chat with his future step-son which seems to do the job. Gail gets butterflies in her stomach (probably too many beans) when she and Dickie pick a wedding date and things look set to let rip in July.

Bobbi, bless her, left this week. Off she went in a taxi in search of a storyline and will probably turn up in an episode of Casualty on your screens very soon. I don't know what to say about Bobbi, I mean what's she ever done in all the time she's been on the street? What's she said of note? Anyway, so off she went after being beaten up by Karen and being smirked at by Vik.

In need of financial advice, Sally asks Richard to look over her books when she realises the hardware shop has gone into deep debt. His only advice to her is to re-mortgage her house and invest the cash in the shop but it's too risky for Sal so she sacks Jason instead.

Blanche decides to entertain Archie in the front room and bars Deirdre and Ken from the house for the night. But when they return later on, they hear Blanche through the wall scolding Archie with: "You can't come at me from that position! Your leg's too far over!" but it's all innocent stuff as the two-some two-step around the carpet.

This week saw Roy decide to stand and be elected for the position of Chair of the Weatherfield Historical Society. Hayley is well chuffed for him, even if he was the only candidate.

And finally this week, the storyline you've all been waiting for (yawn). Well, actually it was a lot better than I'd expected what with Matt acting the big kid and Maxine giving birth to a small one. I've never liked Maxine and while I didn't warm to her this week either, for once her acting was powerful enough for the storyline. So, right, we've got Matt who's moved in with Ashley and Maxine, the too tall doctor sleeping on the too small sofa. Ashley thinks he's doing a favour for a mate but Matt's relishing the anguish he's causing Maxine. Charli disappears for a few days and when she comes back she can't believe her eyes when she spies Matt going into the Peacocks. She storms right in there and can't believe Ashley doesn't know what's going on. "Tell him!" she screams at her husband. "Tell him why you're really here! Tell him!" Poor Ashley. As the words - yellow, green and covered with bits of slime - come tumbling out of Matt's mouth, it dawns on Ashley, rather slowly but that's Ashley for you, that Maxine's baby could well not be his. All the screaming and shouting is too much for Max and, two months early, she goes into labour, an ambulance and hospital in the space of 10 seconds where she gives birth to a boy that Ashley can't be sure isn't his. When Ashley spies Matt at the hospital with flowers for Maxine, he jumps up and threatens him to stay away from his wife before crushing his chrysanths.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome and here I am again popping into your email box with my weekly wotsit of wonder. John Dean will be in the update seat next week as I have to be somewhere else, doing something else. Thanks to John for that, and let's hope he takes his empty beer cans home with him this time. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update. Deirdre, incensed that her mother's got a better sex life than she has, is shocked and horrified to be told that Blanche is going to Blackpool for a dirty weekend with Archie. Archie comes to collect Blance at the door in a classic old hearse and the two of them set off for his caravan by the sea.

All's not well at the hospital as Fred can't help but notice that Ashley hasn't been in to visit his new son. I say, he hasn't gone to see the new baby. Fred booms into the incubator "Hello little babby!" and the little 'un, looking swishy in a bibbly-bobbly hat, just smiles back at the man who could, possibly, perhaps, be his grandfather. Maxine's sent back home but Ashley's finding it hard to come to terms with what's happened although Fred's as proud as punch, buying drinks for all in t'pub and wondering if he should change the family business name to "Eliott and son and son".

Meanwhile Charli gets sacked by the headmistress with big nipples (no, honestly, they deserve a mention as the most animated pair of non-speaking extras that's ever been on Corrie). Ken catches Charli swigging vodka in the classroom and tells tales to the head, who suspends Charli immediately. News of this manages to leak out to the kids, not least Sarah and Candice who turns into more of a precious little cow than we've ever seen before. Matt's not doing so well either and goes to see Maxine, telling her they belong together. Maxine tells him to get out before she gets him struck off. P'raps if she'd strucked him off earlier she'd not be in so much of a mess now.

Roy's in his element organsing an historical event that'll co-incide with the Golden Jubilee celebrations. He's got permission from the Historial Society to go ahead and organise something and pores over old maps of the red rec when he finds out that a famous battle was fought there. "Why is it called red?" he asks Hayley, who replies it's because of the red asphalt. Clearly getting into his stride, Roy wonders: "Ah, but perhaps it was the red of the blood that was spilt in 1642!"

Sally tells Rita how much in debt she is at the shop and asks if she can borrow some more money but Rita turns her down. She's hoping she can keep the shop open a bit longer and tries doing a bogof (buy one get one free) but when Norris hears this, his usual charm comes to the fore. "Rose tinted glasses? Are they two for the price of one too?". She's got no option but to sell up and puts notices on the windows advertising a final clearance sale. While Blanche is in there salivating over three kitchen scrubbers for the price of one, Sally gets an offer from the owner of a big DIY shop in town. £17,000 for all the stock on her shevles, take it or leave it. She takes his cheque and arranges for him to come pick up everything the next day. As she locks up for the night, David and Martin are retiring to bed in the flat upstairs. The faulty radio - remember that? eh? the one Jason tried to fix? bet you never though it would burst into flames and set Martin's flat on fire did you, eh? eh?, well it did.

And that's just about that for this week. Thanks again to John Dean who'll be with you next week.

Glenda

This week's update kindly written by the fluorescent John Dean

Once again I sit here in the legendary, still warm chair. I think how many famous bums have been lowered onto these baize cushions. And how a few have managed to climb on under their own steam . and that funny looking stain on the arm . that's new since last time. Dare I scratch & sniff? Better not

On the Street of a Thousand Arsons, the fire rages. Martin and David slumber on. The smoke thickens. The plot thickens. There is more smoke. There is more plot. The fire reaches the aerosols on its way to the toilet rolls. Gail & Richard drive past. Gail shouts 'STOP!'. The shop explodes. The Rovers empties in panic. Richard shoulders the door to Martin's flat. The door swings open (outwards!?! - how did he do that?) He rescues the asphyxiated duo and props their comatose bodies against the exploding, burning shop. (Something to with needing time and a half to move the cameras after 8pm)

Meantime . the Doctor & the Teacher agree that it was a mistake moving into the Street (shouts of Hear! Hear!) Charli still wants Matt - 'I hate you because I still love you ... ' Oh pur-LEASE - just GO. They ride off into the sunset

Next day Sal sees the charred remains of her Empire and asks 'What happened? ' and Rosie wants to know 'What happened?' Luckily Sophie, the brains of the family, is able to deduce the truth 'A fire, stupid'

Matt accosts Ashley. Ashley has stopped inhaling the helium before speaking and sounds sinister. He has also dispensed entirely with the glottal stop, with prepositions and with definite and indefinite articles. ' Don't tell me how run my life' he growls. But he agrees at last to see his son for the first time and holds him in his arms. Maxine is pleased but Ash growls 'Midwife told me hold him'. And he wants a paternity test. He wants professional tell truth. Maxine picks Joshua from the Elliott family tree as a suitable name.

The fire has given Les a fright and he has bought Janice a smoke alarm. Aw. The fire has given David a bigger fright and he invites Martin to move in with them. This leads to friction as Martin and Richard almost come to blows over who has the right to tell David off.

In the Rovers, Sam muses that he thought of being a fire-fighter ('What' says Maria 'Fireman Sam?') but it turned out he was thinking of his stage act and abandoned the idea because he couldn't think of a stylish way to get his wellies off. Other customers speculate on how much Sal will make from the insurance, to her and Kevin's annoyance. And Eve gets a mysterious phone call.

Archie is planning to cremate his old teacher (don't worry, he's already dead) and recruits Blanche & Betty as professional mourners. They are tempted by the offer of limitless pork pies and egg & cress sandwiches. Blanche even brings the left-overs back for Ken & Deirdre's tea.

At school the Head Teacher, Mrs Chapel Hatt-Peggs, offers Ken a permanent position. Also a regular teaching job.

The Fire Officer has reported back to Sally that the fire was caused by a faulty plug on the radio - Jason used the wrong fuse. Sally has a pop at Jason and Eileen is none too pleased - she blames Sally for not spending money on a proper electrician in the first place.

Hayley and Roy exchange Anniversary presents. As the third is Leather, Roy has a handbag for Hayley and Hayley a briefcase fro Roy. But he bridles at the thought of giving up his shopping bag with the key on a string. He also cooks Hayley a traditional 17th Century meal - Puritans' Pottage. He offers to read Hayley a Sermon from the Civil War - choice of the I hour or 2 hour versions. Hayley drags him off to the pub.

Fred follows Eve, suspicions aroused, and sees her embrace a strange man. It is Ray who has heard from daughter Linda. She is in Dublin and Ray rattles off a 90 second speech to tie up all the loose ends in the story. The sight of Eve, as he thinks, being unfaithful, puts Fred off his grub. Next day at breakfast he is forced to refuse the fifth sausage and eighth slice of toast. He is even more discombobulated when Ray turns up outside his shop. (Why? What for? What earthly reason does Ray have for travelling to Weatherfield & hovering outside a butcher's shop?)

Ashley refuses to assemble the baby's new cot (I don't blame him, I've tried to bolt that MFI stuff together and it's no fun). Maxine tries and fails but Fred saves the day. Fred goes to visit Ray and discovers he is the previous man (well, one of them) in Eve's life. Fred accuses him of having an affair with Eve. No, says Ray - YOU'RE having the affair - we never got a divorce. Shock, horror, collapse of stout party.

And so, Musketeers, pausing only to smear a nauseating concoction of cowheel, tripe and black pudding on Glenda's keyboard, I bid you all a fond adieu. Or au revoir. Don't forget, Local Council Elections soon - vote early, vote often.

John Dean, Oxford

Do you know, I've been writing the weekly updates since 1994. Crikey. Memo to self: must get out more. Return memo: you do get out, a lot. And the weekly update only takes an hour a week. And you enjoy writing it. Another memo to self: Shut up and get back to sleep. Return memo: Are you asking for a fight? Memo to self: Get on with the weekly update. Ah yes, the weekly update. So, I've been doing it for a while now and thought the time was right to put a little website together (and I do mean little). And so, my Coronation Street Weekly Updates are now triumphed in all their glory online at http://www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk Go on, have a look and push that page counter into double figures please. Also, many thanks to John Dean for last week's update. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

So yes, flat haired Eve went this week although just when you think she's safely gone and on her way to an episode of Heartbeat, up she pops at Mike's flat and then again at the Rovers. But hang on, let me backtrack to tell you that Fred has thrown her out after she admitted that yes, she's still married to Ray. Fred's in despair and Audrey's keen to console him but he gives her short shrift, reminding her that she had her chance once and she lost it. Fred tells Mike that Eve has gone: "She grabbed 'er 'andbag and left" and finally Mike manages to have his name cleared when he nabs Eve to take her down to the police station. Turns out Linda's in Dublin, alive and well and wearing leopard skin mules.

Sally's been through it this week with no money int'house to buy beans for the bairns. Embarrassed in the corner shop when Dev refuses her credit, Kevin offers her four hundred quid. It's the very same four hundred quid that he was going to use for a jolly with Molly in Spain. So while Molly has to mek do with a tapas bar instead, Kevin manages to put a smile on Sally's face. Even better news is that the police aren't going to investigate Sally's fire further, deciding there's insufficient evidence and the insurance company should be paying up soon. Beans all round, then. Actually they are, aren't they?

Blanche and Archie have a bit of a falling out and at their age it could be anything; teeth, hearing aids, hair. Blanche decides Archie's all "brillcream and bootpolish" after he stands her up on a date when she's got all tarted up and had a new hair do (see, there's that hair thing again. The mathematical equation being actress+hair+big=storyline.) Anyway, it seems they're back on track although Deirdre's doing her best to try and spoil things for her mother, assuming there's too much hanky panky going on between the old couple.

Well, yes, that Deirdre, and she's a right one to talk, sheesh. Dev's off to a trade show somewhere bland - could be Croydon but aren't they all? Deirdre wants to go to sample the merchandise but Dev tells her "You? You're the last person I'd want with me, after what happened at Christmas!". And of course Geena just happens to overhear and of course Dev just happens to lie through his back teeth to save his own skin. He tells Geena that Deirdre had a crush on him and tried to kiss him under the influence. And that's all he tells her, neatly sidestepping the part where Deirdre ran her pricing gun over his plums, nuts and other seasonal shop items.

Over at the hospickle, baby Josh comes home in his going away outfit. Ashley has a paternity test and has to wait 10 days for the result but is already softening towards Josh and Maxine. "When I look at Josh, I don't see Matt any more" he tells her "I see you." I almost choked on my treacle tart, such was the emotion.

And finally this week, Ken's offered a permanent position at school when the headmistress asks him if he wants to manage the support group exclusion zone for senior pupils or something. Who knows? Who cares? But when he came home and Deirdre was there, pretending she had a bad head, he's talking up his pastoral position and she's talking paracetemol. Nicely done.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda
http://www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk

---

Back to Updates index page		Back to corrie.net