Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. When I jumped straight into the update last week without a paragraph about my week, there were a lot of emails in my inbox saying how disappointed you were. Truth is, this paragraph's the hardest part to write each week so if I'm rushed, feeling tired, or haven't done anything particularly news worthy, there's always a good excuse not to write it. But this week, well, I'm neither rushed nor tired I can tell you that last Thursday afternoon I was abducted by aliens in the Kwik-Save **we interrupt this update, this is classified information** and then they asked me to put one of the small ones in the oven, gas mark three for twenty minutes **classified, we must exterminate this woman before she reveals the secrets of our planet** and I said get that probe out of my **classified information** well I never saw the likes of it. And it was green! And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

If you're reading this update and you don't know who Maureen Lipman is, I urge you to find out. She's one of Britain's finest actresses (married to ex-Corrie writer Jack Rosenthal) and a great writer herself too. She also lives round our way and sat in the next carriage to mine on the tube once. She did you know. I recommend wholeheartedly her autobiographical books: How Was It For You? (Home Thoughts From Abroad) and the follow-up, Something to Fall Back On. As you can probably tell, I like Maureen Lipman a lot so when I heard she was turning up for a couple of weeks on the Street I was over the moon. And with the two best Street writers giving her some cracking dialogue as Lillian "never Lilly, and never, ever Lil" Spencer, she took her place behind the bar at the Rovers this week. What with Shezza and Geena-two-bellies fighting for promotion to manager, Fred knows he has to do something to keep order behind the bar. In comes relief manager Lillian Spencer with her pet Dinah, the mynah who gets the full Fred blast of "Hello little birdy". Lillian's all lacquered hair, twin set and disappointment when she sees the Rovers Return. It's clearly not up to the class of place she's used to when she managed the Xanadu Bar at the Majestic Hotel, Cleethorpes. "That was the high water mark of my life," she sighs, "and the tide has gone out a long way since then". A graduate from the Annie Walker school of bar management, Lillian manages to upset a few of the regulars in her first half hour. "Get out, you're barred, you atrocious little man" she tells Norris after he complains that some spilt red wine has stained his Commonwealth Games steward's uniform (a fetching ensemble of purple - how fortuitous for ITV and Cadbury - and black with a pigeon-shit motif on the shoulder). "Get out, you're barred too!" she tells Rita (yes Rita!) when she sticks up for Norris and tells Lillian she's gone too far with her airs and graces. "You can't bar Rita!" I yelled at the telly. "You can't bar me" Rita yells at Lillian. "Oh yes I can" she replies. "Clear orf". Archie sizes Lillian up: "Five foot seven. I'm not wrong, am I?" to which she gives him the once over before she replies: "Fifteen stone and a suit from Burton. I'm not wrong either, am I?" But while the locals are up in arms over Mrs Spencer's behaviour - calling her bay-windowed Diamond Lil behind her back - one person has been taken in by her charms. "May I call you Frederick?" Lil schmoozes to the fat butcher. "Indeed you may. You're a very handsome woman," Fred schmoozes back as he wafts around the back room in his silk housecoat and cravat, while Lil wipes mynah bird poo from his sofa. Shelly and Geena see straight through Lil's plan. "She's got her eyes on his bank balance and he's got his eyes on her cleavage."

When he's not murdering his business partner or giving his ex-wife a concrete bath, Richard's not such a bad bloke. After a quiet chat with Richard, Sarah makes up with her mum and all is well at the Platts. And after a quiet threat from Richard, Ade makes up with Gail too, even going so far as to present her with a box of chocolates, even if they are nicked from the Kabin. Plans for the wedding go steaming ahead and Richard thinks he's got buyers for one of his flats as he takes them to the show flat to er.. show them around the er.. flat. What Richard and the buyers don't know is that Karen has lured Steve to the show flat to wine him and dine him and then lure him to the bedroom to see if she can change his mind about buying the place for them both. She's got his favourite meal ready: "There's a number sixteen with rice, two number twenty sevens and a thirty three with noodles" before leading him into the bedroom for dessert; a number sixty nine. While Karen and Steve are at it (you know, it) in the bedroom, the buyers and Richard walk in on them but all ends well with Steve agreeing to purchase the flat. I know it's no longer 1982 but the phrase "what a wally" is still appropriate for Steve.

Janice and Les have a drink in the Rovers and then she ends up back at his place and before you can say Brown Nylon Underpants, they're upstairs in bed, together, doing it (you know, it). It's all a bit predictable really. Next morning Janice rushes off while Les assumes they're back together as a couple. The only bit of this I liked and thought worthy of note was when Janice asked Les to put on the 10cc record he used to love playing for her. Choked, Les told her he'd turned it into an ashtray after she left him for Dennis.

Mike and Audrey talk about Bet/Julie and her reason for leaving Weatherfield/The Street and ambiguous comments abound as they drink to absent friends: "You never know where you are with that one."

Jason returned from Blackpool this week without letting Eileen know. He's only been gone a month but, he says, "Where I've been, it feels like a lifetime". Must have been to Gateshead then. First thing he does is organise a birthday party with Kirk and Tyrone - and their Chuckle Brothers routine was just brill. But when Eileen finds out, she puts a stop to the party and gives Jason a talk about responsibility towards his old mum. The party moves on to Les' house and the boys gives Les £20 to disappear for the night. Not that it's needed because the disparate, desperate group of girls they round up for the party knock on the wrong door by mistake and Norris sends them off to Coronation Terrace instead. Back at Les' house with cheap lager and no girls, it's a pretty dire party that gets even worse when Jason and Todd start knocking each other about.

Norris has been an absolute star this week, he really has, with his overpowering concern for Emily who's suffering from migraines (you say meegraines, I say mygraines, let's just call the whole thing a bloody horrible headache). When Richard overhears Norris in the Kabin telling Rita that Emily's not well, Richard's straight round there to see her, checking out his investment. Norris does well to keep a beady eye open from under his Commonwealth Games steward's beret that he wears with such pride.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. Here are ten things you never knew about me: I have magnetic poetry stuck on my leg. I dislike pears. And shopping. Sometimes I scoot around the living room on a pedalo. My favourite colour doesn't exist. My favourite person does. Two people I know are having mid-life crises. I don't think I am. I miss the north. I cried with PJ and Kate when they got their messages from home in Big Brother. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Back for a brief visit last week when he popped in to get his washing done, Jason legs it again. He leaves his old mum heartbroken as he takes all her savings. Apart from proving that this storyline is a waste of Sue Cleaver's comic talent, there's nothing much to add here and so I'll move swiftly on.

No matter how old you get, women still hurt and men still deceive. So Archie hasn't lied to Blanche, not really, but she knows something's going on between him and Audrey and she's determined to find out what it is. But Audrey's made Archie promise he won't tell anyone that she's working for him, so what's a man to do? In the end, Archie comes clean to Blanche - who ends up telling Maxine and Maria as Norris overhears who tells Kevin and Martin who tell Les who takes the perm solution of out Audrey when she comes into the pub. Audrey might have wanted it kept strictly entre-nous but it's strictly entre-Rosamund Street now.

Fed up with Norris stalking him every time he tries to talk to Emily, Richard threatens our favourite Commonwealth Games steward when he collars him by the pentels in the Kabin. "I'm going to shut you up once and for all" he slithers as Norris tells him that Rita's upstairs and all he has to do is scream. Clearly a worried man, Richard panics when Jack and Vera ask for their investment to be returned. He can't, he hasn't got it, so bamboozles them with gobbledygook and gives them a financial statement that they can't understand. The Duckies are taken in and Richard's safe again, for now, free to spend what money he does have on buying Nick a ticket to fly in from Canada for the wedding.

Maxine's mum Doreen calls in for a visit that ends up lasting all week. She's left her husband Derek, again, and this time refuses to budge. With her blonde hair and vanity she lets it be known that she'd like to be thought of as an aunty, rather than a granny, to her grandson baby Josh. Whatever, she's irritating the life out of Maxine and Ash. And me.

And finally this week, it was Deirdre's 83rd birthday and Tracy sent her tickets for a holiday to Spain for the two of them. Before they jet off, Ken and Deirdre plan to visit Tracy, leaving Blanche all alone in the house. Watch them stairs, Blanche, won't you. Whoops, sorry, spoiling it for next week. See you then.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. You know how sometimes you can breeze through life like a monkey on a chamois leather and others, well, you can't? This week's been particularly stressful and I'm still trying to figure out why. Is it because it's too hot? too humid? my yoga class has finished for the summer? My mother's 500 miles away and I'd love to have a chat and a cuppa with her? Who knows, maybe it's all of the above and more. If you find out what it is, do write it and tell me with suggestions on how to fix it. Ta chucks. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

A million voices screamed at their telly this week "No! Rita! No!" when she told Richard she was thinking of investing her savings with him. While Richard's thinking "Yes! Rita! Yes!", Norris tells Rita that Richard can't be trusted but it's Rita's accountants that make her see that investing with Richard isn't viable just now. Richard takes the news badly and blames Norris, of course. And then it got spooky, honestly it did. Richard kidnaps Norris in his big red people eater and drives him to the conversion. "You've got a narrow mind and a big nose" says Richard: "It's a lethal combination". Norris is terrified (I was a bit worried) that Richard is going to do a Duggie on him and push him down the stairs of doom, but no. He calmly, too calmly, humiliates Norris and you feel the discomfit, you really do as Richard reels off a few numbers about the money he'll be making when he sells all the flats. So why, Richard asks Norris, does he want to do away with little old Emily, as Norris suspects? Richard plays his part well, it's serenly terrifying. And then he lets Norris go but not until we assume he's lost his temper - in a scene we don't see behind a closed door. There's some scuffling and as the two emerge, Richard apologises. He apologises again in the Kabin giving Norris the same sort of smile I give to the slugs in the garden as I approach them at midnight with my torch and salt cellar. But he didn't do that laugh I do as they curl up and die. Hahaha!

"She's the sort of woman who isn't complete with a man to push her onwards and upwards," says Fred of the fragrant Mrs Spencer. But Lillian isn't sure being rewarded with the Rovers for a romance with Fred is enough to keep her hanging around, and so she's off. After a phone call from Marple man she's off to manage another pub with her mynah and her horrible kids. Maureen Lipman might not have been around long on the cobbles, but she were wonderful while she lasted, I say she were grand. And so at the Rovers, Fred needs to put someone in charge. In the red corner there's Geena. Lovely hair but she's a bit thick. In the green corner there's Shelley. Much the same but she's got a cheeky way about her that's perfect for the Rovers so Fred puts her in charge and Geena's not best pleased.

Blanche was in tears most of this week. First off Archie dumps her, and it's her own fault for gossiping. Then Ken and Deirdre go to stay with Tracy. When Blanche hears the phone ring, she's upstairs in her nighty. "Archie!" she hopes. Blanche rushes to the phone but instead trips, falls and lays prone at the foot of the stairs. Oh dear, what can the matter be? She lies there from Monday to Saturday and it's not until Archie comes calling the following day and spies her through the letter box that anyone knew she was there. Off to hospital she goes with a swollen foot and some heavy duty make-up and when Archie visits her, she assumes their friendship is back on. But it's not and Archie has to make it quite plain that it's all over. "But I'm an invalid, you can't leave me!" she says and oh yes, there's more tears.

At Chez Peacock all is not harmony now that Doreen's getting her feet under the table and unloaded all her baggage. She wants this, she wants that and you can't blame Ashley for getting annoyed with anyone who wants her world "spick and span". Doreen decides the back garden needs doing so enlists Les Battersby as help who knows he's onto a good thing, being paid in cash - by Ashley - as he greets the mother in law with: "Y'alright Doh love?"

Sally's fed up. She's got no money, no job, no beans. The kids are turning against her 'cos she can't pay for one of them (the tall stroppy one) to go on holiday with her friend. Fortune in the shape of Rita smiles on her by offering her two weeks work in the Kabin when Norris is off being all that he can be in the Commonwealth Games. But it's still not enough to put a smile on Sally's face, and it's her birthday too. When she gets home she finds Kev and the girls have decorated the house for her with birthday greetings and even baked a birthday tea. All goes well until Kev suggests he moves back in there, purely for financial reasons. Sally tells him to get out, purely for emotional ones.

Elated that they're moving into one of Richard's flats, Karen drags Steve to posh furniture store, Elevation. The prices are way beyond Steve's means but that doesn't stop Karen. "You're a retired knicker-stitcher," he reminds her: "We're hardly Posh 'n' Becks." Nope, but far more entertaining, intellectual and fun to watch.

More pre-marital tension at the Platts when Gail tells Sarah she can invite a friend to the wedding, meaning Candice. Sarah tells her mum she's invited a friend alright, meaning Ade. More arguments, more shouting, more tears. Everything a good wedding should be.

And that's just about that for this week.
And if Dewey's reading this: get well soon.

Glenda

I don't know about you but I miss me mam. That's why I've shipped her 500 miles from her home up north to stay with me this week in London. She arrived this afternoon and I met her in town as she disembarked from the Kwality Xpress bus. It was a journey of three days and two nights with a diabetic driver who stopped at every Little Chef for a pack of sherbet lemons. For those who don't know, when the fancy takes her and if I bung her a fiver, she sometimes writes the weekly update for me. Not that she does write it of course. She sits in a fug of cigarette smoke with a fag in one hand and a glass of wine in t'other and her feet up on the best chair. As she reels off the update, I simply type her words, verbatim. And if I do need to interrupt her and keep her on track, you'll know that I'm speaking as (my words will be in brackets). And so, without any further ado, with a woman of a certain age and a 3 litre bottle of Chardonnay, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, me mam.

(What else has been happening this week, mam?) Oh yes, Maxine's mam's moved in with her. Did you hear that, pet? Maxine's mother. She's moved in. With her daughter. And I bet she didn't have to take the Kwality Xpress bus to get there. Ashley's not too happy about it, mind you, she's a bit, what's the word, is that Doreen. (Irritating?) Blonde. She's a bit too blonde and ditzy for my liking. Mind you, Fred probably likes her although she's more the type for Mike Baldwin I think. I could have been the type for the likes of Mike Baldwin in my day, you know. D'yer know, in the right light, I had the makings of Ava Gardner back then, me. Anyway, Maxine gets her dad round but he's not taking Doreen back. He's got himself another woman, she's that Rosie one from Brookside but at least it means Maxine and Ashley have always got a babysitter for the bairn, doesn't it? Maxine's dad gives Doreen her wedding ring back and a strawberry magnet she used to pin messages to the fridge with when they weren't speaking to each other. Me and your dad have got one of those. It's not a strawberry mind you. It's a magnetic Scottish piper with a liftable kilt. Oooh, hang on, I'll just text yer dad back. I need to tell him to put his pants on the hot spin cycle and to eat the casserole I left for him but I've not got enough text space. Hang on, let's put BOIL PANTS IN CASSEROLE and he'll know what I mean. Right, where were we? Can I have some more wine, pet? Champion.

(Anything else this week, mam?) Well, there's preparations for the wedding, isn't there, eh? Well, I tell yer, he's a nasty piece of work that Richard whathisname. (Hillman). Aye, that's him. Gail has her hen night in the Rovers and it's all a bit tame really, pet. I mean, where's the male strippers? Where's the free booze and the sausage rolls, that's what I say. It cheers her up when Nick comes in but he's got a face on him like a wet weekend in Paignton. I had one of those you know, once. It was quite nice actually. Me and yer dad, we, well, I'll tell yer another time maybe. You're not writing that are yer? But Nick, yes, well, least said, soonest shipped back off to Canada. But it cheers her up, well, she is his mother. Mind you, he's not back five minutes when he gets mugged for his mobile phone - by a bunch of girls too. What a drip. What's that, pet? He got mugged outside of a Manchester bistro that has special memories for you? (I'll tell you later, mam).

Boomerang Betty, as I like to call her, came back again this week. Again! I thought she'd gone off to live in Wimbledon with her Gordon but oh no, she's up and down the country more times than not. I bet she doesn't have to travel back from London on a substandard bus with a damp spot in seat 47b. Their Gordon probably pays for her to travel on the train. First class, I shouldn't wonder. (What's she back for?) Oh yes, she's back because she's trying to sell her house and Emily tells her she shouldn't sell and she should stay. Is that enough to say about that then? Can I have some more wine, pet? A woman could die of thirst here, you know.

(Is that it then, mam?) I think so pet. Can you think of anything else that happened? (Well Karen got her new job) Oh yes, she did. That lass Karen what's married to Steve whathisname (McDonald), aye, that's her. She started a new job at the posh furniture store called Revelation (Elevation) but that's not very interesting, pet, is it? (No mam. I think we're just about done then, aren't we?) I think so pet. I'll just send a quick text message to vote for Jonny to win Big Brother and then we'll have a bit of tea, eh pet? But pass that wine first, can I have a drop more?

And that's just about that for this week - with thanks to my mam. Thanks also to John Dean - who'll be here in all his glory doing the update for me next week as I'll be in Paris having a bit of joie de vivre with a French stick. Lucky John gets to cover the wedding so I want all the gossip - who wore what, who said what to whom, who drank too much and all the usual stuff. See you all the week after next.

Glenda

This week's update written by John Dean. Glenda Young is away (....with the pixies most of the time).

Email: john@jdean62.fsnet.co.uk

Richard teases Gail he has a full day of appointments on the Wedding Day. O stop. My ribs hurt. He's bought Nick a new suit to replace the one damaged by the muggers. It strikes me many of the characters have something in common with Commonwealth Countries. Richard is like Belize - no-one is sure of its history but they know it's got something to do with money. Gail's a bit like Lesotho - you're a bit taken aback when someone says they want to go there.

Karen (the Bahamas - everyone likes the sound of it but is put off by the price) is doing her catalogue shopping and has set her heart on a book-case. Steve (Cayman Islands - dodgy past where money is concerned) challenges her to name a book she has read. Great Expectations, says she, by Charles Darwin. But she is upset to discover the Council are building a Bail Hostel next to the flats - with muggers, murderers and rapists as neighbours, could the value of their property go down? Steve barely restrains her from gripping Richard.

Kevin (Norfolk island - not easy to communicate with) is putting a card in the Kabin advertising for a mechanic. (Query, who does he think is going to read it?)

Maria (Vanuatu - small and attractively named) turns up to do the family's hair prior to the wedding and is as a moth to Nick's flame. Or a caterpillar to Nick's grub. Whatever. Candice (Papua New Guinea - unique and incomprehensible dialect) is her love rival. Richard discovers the car firm have cancelled the wedding limo because his cheque has bounced. Audrey arranges for Archie to save the day by providing transport.

David (Turks and Caicos - just sounds a bit rum) pinches the ring off the best man for fun, then panics because it seems Bethany (St Helena - tiny and isolated) has swallowed it. But it turns up safe - Sarah (Kiribati - also small and attractively named) has been trying it on.

Two Police Officers turn up to see Richard. Australia was expecting his wife and is worried that she hasn't turned up. Richard smooths his way out of it. But wait! There is a sudden message on the Police Radio! Richard is called back to the car! Whew! It's only Emma passing on her good wishes. David has been giving a running commentary to his Mum from the window - 'They've got the stun gun out! They're putting the cuffs on!' but she just chuckles. Roger, Richard's best man, (Nauru - just suddenly appeared) spots her bracelet & and recognises it as one he bought on Richard's behalf for Patricia. 'Is that your 'something borrowed?' he wants to know. Gail just chuckles. In fact, given how relaxed she is about the whole day, not even rushing to put her dress on, casually inviting Maria to the wedding as an afterthought, I suspect she's been taking industrial doses of Prozac.

Les (Northern Ireland - history of violence and lack of neighbourliness) offers a room to two Australian Backpackers (Australia - other side of the world) but they are obviously out to con him and Kirk.

The ceremony goes without a hitch (though Steve has to put a hand over Karen's mouth when the Vicar wants to know if anyone is aware of any lawful impediments) as do the speeches - the Best Man's speech is excruciatingly realistic. Richard's speech is suitably oily - comparing a married couple to a pair of scissors that work perfectly side by side and woe betide anyone who comes between them. Aw! He could have said marriage was like a nail file - after you've had enough of the rough bit you can turn it over and have another rough bit.

Sarah lets slip that Nick was mugged by GRRRLZ! (Not Rawsie & Surphie (British Virgin Islands)) and Aiden makes fun of him. Maria is sympathetic and offers to 'kiss it better'. Strange, she doesn't even know where Nick's bruises are - I mean, she might end up kissing his .Oh . *now* I get it. Anyway, they are later dragged out, dishevelled, from a spare room at the hotel where, as Candice puts it, they have obviously not been playing with the trouser press.

Audrey & Sally have a heart to heart about weddings and marriages. Sally realises she may be setting her standards too high and agrees to let Kevin move back in. But she starts to have second thoughts when he spills the beans to the girls.

Fred returns and extends Shelley's trial period as Manageress, much to Geena 's disgust.

Karen has her new settee delivered but it gets stuck half way up the stairs. And Emily has videoed hours of the Games and is yet to see Norris (Botswana)

And there you are - the end of my Marathon. Now it's a Long Jump back to Glenda and her Free style and .. zzzzzzzzz

John Dean

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