Many thanks to John Dean for last week's rather excellent Commonwealth update. Maintenant, je suis returnay from mon vacances to zee gay Paree where I had zee most wonderful temps. Who could have known the French were so civilised? They eat cakes for breakfast! I'd been to Paris once before as a gangly 14 year old on an (ahem) educational school trip but all I can remember about it was being tickled by some bloke in the Champs Elysees area. Mind you, it happened a lot this time too but I wasn't complaining. Paris is a fantastic city if you don't mind paying a fiver for a beer. It's extremely romantic, it's jaw-droppingly beautiful and you even get to eat chocolate cakes for breakfast! Did I mention that already? Et so, wizzout anee furzer adooo, 'ere nous go with zis week's Rue Coronation update.

Sally and Kev dance the matrimonial hokey-cokey. Is Kev in? Out? Or are they shaking things all about? Well he finally moves in, setting up his bed in the front room and causing Sally to question what she's doing but hoping it's the right thing for the kids, because after all, that's what it's all about. Taxi! Martin can't believe it when Blanche tells him Kev has moved in and despite cries from our sofa of: "it's got nothing to do with you any more", Martin goes round there to give Sally his tuppence worth. "It's got nothing to do with you any more" she tells him, and heads were nodded sagely on the sofa. But Martin thinks it has and makes Sally question again what she's doing letting Kevin back into her heart via the front room.

Dirk Gently would have known what to do about it but Karen and Steve haven't a clue. The expensive new sofa that Karen wanted so badly is firmly and definitely stuck on their stairs. It won't budge up and it takes some budging down but Steve manages to get it out of the flat and into storage in Eileen's back yard. He calls Elevation to get them to take it back but in the meantime there's some swift sofa swapping as Eileen eyes up the new one and compares it to her old one. Elevation won't be so elated when they find out they've taken back an old settee from the Street. A new sofa and her son back, Eileen couldn't be happier. Oh yes, Jason has returned from his travels and sets up camp at his mothers - the way lads always do. And while she's not best pleased to have him back unannounced, Eileen's happy at his return - the way mams always are.

There's snogs aplenty at the Platts as our two star-crossed lovers Nick and Maria fall deeply and utterly in teenage lust. Exchanging spit and "I love you's" the pair cry their eyes out as Nick flies back to Canada but not before asking Maria to start a new life there with him. Selling off her clothes to raise money for the airfare, Maria seems to have forgotten Nick's promise to call her as soon as he landed in Vancouver. Wake up and smell the maple syrup, Maria.

Meanwhile Les is on a promise from the two Aussie travellers. With no money to pay their rent, they offer him a Sydney sandwich and send him down the pub while they prepare it with relish. Egged on by other blokes who should know better (but they never seem to, do they?), Les thinks he's in for an orgy down under in the bush with the two antipodean lovelies and when he returns to his house he's all of a quiver. "Thinks Lis, you've bin a dull" says one of them as they leave Les with exactly what they promised. A Sydney sandwich - complete with wombat relish and steak. A disappointed Les tries to be a sport and ties his kangaroo down.

As the Commonwealth Games drew to a close this week, Norris finally had his moment of glory. As the medal-giver goes off sick, Norris stands tall and proud and offers himself to the cause. "May the spirit of the games be with you" says a chap in a hat and on Norris goes. In front of the world's media, broadcast to the globe, Norris has his moment of glory screened live for all to see. But - zut alors! Although Emily has set the video to tape, it cuts out just before Norris comes on the screen. And so, broadcast live in the Rovers, he beams away as proud as can be - with no-one looking on to discover he did anything more than rip up tickets and look silly in his corporate tracksuit and hat.

And finally, at the Rovers this week Geena walked out (but she's back soon before she goes permanently). Will we miss her? I don't think so. She's got lovely (amazing) hair but she's a bit dim, a bit dumb and a bit more moody than we like our Corrie barmaids to be. Shelley can stay as far as I'm concerned, but Fred might think otherwise as Shelley messes up the staff rota, hence Geena walking out (and leaving soon). It's the Rovers 100th birthday later this year and the bar staff start thinking up celebrations for the centenary.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

August 12th, 2002

Oh no! I've just got back from work to find Glenda slumped on the living room carpet surrounded by empty bottles of Toilet Duck and Harpic. It loooks like the fame of appearing in print in a national daily newspaper has gone to her head and she's had a relapse. Still a couple of days in the Betty Turpin clinic should sort her out. I know how much you all look forward to your weekly dose of Corrie so with my faded memory of goings on this week and Glenda's notes, I'll try to do my best to fill in for her.

If she hasn't got enough problems at home, with Geena gone she's up to her eyes in it at work as well. She calls in Betty to help out but is it really possible for the two of them to run The Rovers (Fred's not much help as usual). Fred eventually manages to get everyone to sit round the table and try to end the feud but Geena just can't accept Shelley as her boss. With no prospect of any other work in the offing, Geena becomes resigned to going back to The Rovers just in time for the centenary celebrations with beer on sale for a penny a pint.

Audrey hasn't been particularly in favour of Maria running off to Canada to be with her grandson but she comes round in the end and is very supportive (or is it guilt?). However, before you can say 'plot twist' Audrey receives a letter from Stephen which includes some photographs. It seems that Nick already has a live-in lover in Vancouver but has said nothing about her (Rachel) while he's been over in Weatherfield. Audrey has to tell Maria and of course she can't (won't) believe it. When Nick eventually rings her back he confirms the situation but before he can try and weadle his way round her, Maria hangs up and then refuses to answer any more of his calls.

Over at the Weatherfield Gazette, the resident writer of the weekly bodice buster (or should that be bonk ripper) is somewhat tired and emotional (like Glenda!) and the editor wonders if Ken might like to try his hand at 500 words of passion in print. He's reluctant at first but when Blanche comes down to breakfast with a cry of 'Can I have my kipper now?', Deirdre realises it's time she did something about her plumbing and encourages Ken with the thought of a bit of extra income to pay for it. He finds it hard at first to get past writing the same tired old cliches but when his creative juices start to flow his words certainly have the desired effect upon Deirdre and they retire for an early night.

The sofa wars continue as the men from 'Elevation' come round to Eileen's to pick up Karen's sofa. Unfortunately they end up taking the wrong one and when they turn up to pick up the correct one they refuse to take it as it's been scuffed. Karen hits the roof and argues with Eileen over who damaged it. Meanwhile Les moves Eileen's sofa into his back yard for him and Kirk to lounge on eating salt and vinegar crisps and pork scratchings, while dreaming up their next moneymaking scheme of stealing old pennies off old ladies.

Down the street, Kevin and Sally take the girls for a picnic and afterwards after too much red wine, Kevin tries it on with his ex-wife, only to receive a firm refusal.

Hopefully Glenda will be back with you all next week.

Barry Smith

Many thanks to the lovely Barry Smith for writing last week's update while I was, er, busy elsewhere. Now then, regular readers of the updates will know I have a certain fondness for Tunnocks caramel wafers and often wax lyrical about their chocolately properties each time they're in camera shot in the Street's corner shop. Well, I had a lovely email this week from two Canadian ladies (hello Beth and Miriam!) who were on holiday in London and they emailed to say they were update readers and wanted to try Tunnocks while they were in the UK. After a quick visit to Tesco they bought a box of Tunnocks - and that, ladies and gentlemen is where they made their big mistake. For you see, there are Tunnocks and there are Tunnocks. Tunnocks in a box are Tunnocks tea-cakes and while they're all well and good, the rather divine caramel wafers come in a packet (and there's one winging its way over to Beth now). And so endeth this wafer waffle. And finally, it's my birthday this coming Friday and I'm off for a weekend in a city where the men wear skirts and the women walk around behind them hoping for a stiff breeze. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Ken starts writing his bodice-ripper bonk-buster of a column for the Gazette and the editor's so taken with his style that she asks him to write the agony aunt column too. He's enjoying himself heartily as Hermione Fairfax until Wretched of Weatherfield writes in for advice on boyfriend trouble. Deirdre works out that Wretched is Blanche who doesn't know that Ken is Hermione and tells him to pen a reply telling her to get over Archie, there's plenty more fish in the sea (even if they are mainly old trouts at that age).

Mike needs a lady companion to take to a business dinner and he asks Audrey, who's only too happy for a reason to put on a new frock. But then he meets Max's mum Doreen and decides to take her instead, feeling sorry for her after she tells him her tale of infidelity with fellas. At the dinner, Doreen is loud, blonde and vacuous (just like her daughter). Mike's colleague and his wife look on aghast as Doreen starts slagging off her ex-husband after a bit too much sherry. "What would you do if your Ron took a shine to a little miss fancy knickers, eh?" she asks the missus of the colleague before Mike drags Doreen home. When Audrey later finds out that she was dumped for the dinner date for Doreen, she tells Mike in no uncertain terms what he can do with their friendship. And when Doreen finds out that Audrey was dumped to make way for her, she's not best pleased with Mike either. Audrey and Doreen drink in the Rovers together later and make quite a decent comedy pairing, Corrie could do worse than let Doreen move in to Audrey's spare room.

So now then, this Ciaran fella, friend of Peter's, tries it on with Shelley and she's not having any of it. She tells Sunita what's going on and Sunita says she should tell Peter but Shelley's just hoping it'll all blow over and anyway, Ciarian will be gone soon enough. But he tries it on again (and what part of "Get off me", "Don't come near me" and "Go on, get out" didn't he understand?). Shelley tells him she's going to tell Peter but he says if she does that, he'll tell Peter she tried it on with him first, so boo, and then who will Peter believe? Well, she does tell Peter who confronts Ciarian who lies to Peter who tells Shelley it's over who tells Peter she's leaving him anyway if he doesn't trust her. After some tears Shelly needs retail therapy. She goes out and buys herself 3 new bras and 12 pairs of pants and asks Sunita if she can move in with her. Meanwhile, it takes Steve McDonald to make Peter realise that there's no way Shelley would mess him around and that he shouldn't trust the big Irish fella, so he shouldn't, so Peter tells Ciarian to sling his hook, so he does.

I'm sorry but I can't wax lyrical about Nick Tilsley. Maybe I could if I took Adam Ricketts seriously as an actor.... but no. He came back this week for Maria declaring undying love after lying his socks off last week. She falls for it all and her move to Canada looks like it's back on. Needless to say, Gail's got a face like a slapped arse when Nick tells her and the two of them have a huge row.

Yes, Gail and Richard are back from their holider to Florida and Gail gets carried over the threshold - for the third time. But there's bad news all round when the Hillman's find out that the sale of all four flats have fallen through. Yes, there's a Bail Hostel being built right by the flats and the flat buyers have bailed out. "I'm ruined" Richard tells Gail before doing a great bit of emoting straight from the Joey Tribbiani School of Acting.

It's the Rovers 100th anniversary and Fred has a penny a pint promotion. If anyone brings in old pennies, they can have a free pint. Les and Kirk have their stash they conned from Emily and sell the pennies for 50p each. When Fred finds out, he's not best pleased but it's Emily who has the last laugh when Roy points out that the pennies are a rare vintage and worth at least £10 each. A donation to the Friends of Weatherfield Hospital is a-coming. There's a bit of a sing-a-long in the bar as Norris tinkles the ivories. He plays the piano a bit too and it's all gaiety indoors as we spy Shelly croying her oyes out on the street corner. It's what Corrie's always done best, this mix of comedy and tragedy but this time it was about as subtle as a sledge hammer.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Many thanks for all the birthday greetings and e-cards sent to me last week. I had a wonderful time, it's great being in your er.. mid-twenties isn't it? I spent my birthday weekend at the Edinburgh Festival where one of the highlights for me was My Old Man's a Dustman (A Deconstruction) performed by Peter Buckley Hill in a pub, for free. Ah, Edinburgh in August, where (as Arthur Smith said the other day in the paper) you're never more than ten feet away from a unicyclist or, as I experienced it, where you're never more than ten feet away from an Australian lesbian fire-juggling unicyclist and/or Jerry Springer or even Jerry Sadowitz who sat at the next table to us while we were having a pizza. But now, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

With Ciaran gone, Peter's now got some explaning to do to Shelley. He tries his best, they argue a bit and eventually she agrees to come back to him. Not much else to add there really except to say they do work well together as a couple.

Blanche's letter gets printed in the paper and she's over the moon with Hermione's advice to find herself another fella, and soon. Deirdre and Ken look on as she's reading and Blanche is clearly puzzled by Hermoine's further advice to move out out of the house she's sharing with her daughter and to think about moving into sheltered accommodation. Deirdre gives Ken one of her looks.

Actually, as I'm typing this update this week I'm realising that although a lot of stuff has happened this week, none of it has been very good. Stories have moved on apace - but slowly and blandly and there have been a couple of laughs - but not many good ones. So if the update this week seems dirge-like to you (it does to me too) then blame Corrie itself - things really have been pretty dull.

And talking about dull, Nick left this week as him and Maria flew back to Canada. Tyrone had a last ditch attempt to talk Maria into staying when he caught up with her at the airport - but she went anyway.

Oh, and Sally and Kevin ended up in bed together this week. I mean, we all knew it would happen so there was no surprise there. Now she's telling Kev it mustn't happen again (it will) and he says it's ok he's happy with the way things are (he's not) and she says that's fine (it isn't).

Maxine's mum bought a nameplate for the Peacock's house, which is now to be known as Balmoral. And then Vera went one better and renamed her house The Old Rectory. Someone and we don't yet know who, erases the first three letters of the Peacocks nameplate and repaints it as Immoral. Vera is first in the line of suspicion after Doreen said the Duckies house would have been better named as The Pigsty to which Vera retorted, rather magnificently: "Balmoral, my backside".

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

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