Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. It's been a long, long time since I sat and wrote the update with something red and fruity followed by a little cheese. Actually, in the time it took me to write that sentence, the little bit of cheese has gone and been eaten but the glass of wine sits and wobbles on the table next to me as I batter the keyboard to bring you, yes you, without any further ado, this week's Coronation Street update. Haway.

There's been a lot of birthdays this week on the Street. Les was 47, Kev was 30-something and Vera was 21 yet again, Virgo's all. As it was my birthday too the other week I can't say I enjoy being born under the same wandering star (sign) as Les. Kev and Vera perhaps display the right amount of signs for a necessary Virgo: a bit of anxiety, a good sense of humour and far too much cleaning. But Les, no way. Anyway, in a good twist of the plot that took on a sub-storyline of its own, Kirk finds an old radio on a skip which he hands on to Vera. Vera gives it to Tyrone and Tyrone gives it to Kev for his birthday. With me so far? Kev gives it back to Tyrone, assuming Tyrone's spent too much money on it and Tyrone gives it back to Vera as a gift for her birthday. Of course she realises what it is and where she's seen it before and although all rather pointless, produced a few chuckles at this end, it did.

Richard asks Gail to lie through her teeth so they can get a remortgage at the bank under the pretence of a home improvement loan. She does it but doesn't like doing it and feels really bad that she has to hide it from Audrey. There's a breather of sorts when Dicky sells one of the flats for a knock-down fee of sixty five grand but it's clear the Hillman's are in a hell-hole right now. Dicky even sells his car and pretends it's been nicked until it gets rather awkward when Gail says they can claim on the insurance, can't they?

Rosie and David started the big school this week. Dolled up in new school uniforms off they went to start Weatherfield comp and Rosie's upset to hear that Sally's trying to get a job as a dinner lady at her new school. Why on earth that should upset her, I don't know. When I was in my infant school, my mam was one of my dinner ladies at school. It was brilliant. She was there if I needed magic cream on my knee after I'd fallen over and skinned it in the playground. She was there when the horrid Miss Curtain, infant-school teacher from hell, made me cry. And the best bit was she used to bring home the left-over desserts in her bag although I wasn't ever supposed to tell anyone that. Whoops, I just did. Anyway, Rosie needn't have worried about eating warmed-up second-hand treacle pudding and custard at tea-time because Sally is offered a job at the Bookies working for Peter instead.

Ah yes, Sally. Now then, just when things are moving nicely along between Sally and Kev in the Webster house they go out to celebrate Sally's new job. Back home on the sofa with a bottle of wine and clearly ignoring Corrie rule No 69: "Don't drink the red; it leads to bed" they reminisce about the old days. Ah, Hilda. Ah, the muriel. Ah, young hearts. Run free. Never be hung up, hung up like my man and meeee. Doop-de-doo. And it's snogs ahoy until Sally pulls away, confused and Kevin walks out, frustrated. They make up later and agree once again there'll be no more complications, they're in this together for the sake of their kids, aren't they?

It's not often you hear the phrase "infra-dig" on Corrie but you heard it this week as Karen tries to lord it over her mates Janice and Fiz just what a good job she's got and how it's so great meeting all these celebs who pop into the store where she works to buy expensive furniture and stuff. Oh yes, it's all upwards and onwards for Karen these days. But the truth is that Karen's finding things hard. Her boss and colleague are snobs, clearly Karen is lowering the tone of Elevation (Delevation?) and she's no longer enjoying the snakes and ladders of her life. But she reaches one more time for the high-life when she tries to get into new club Attic with her workmates - but she isn't even invited. And there's worse to come when Janet and Fiz visit Karen at the store and embarass her in front of her snotty colleagues and boss. Karen's sacked on the spot and anyway, right, it doesn't matter, cos like, you know, she was already going to leave, yeah. So it's back down the ladder, to the basement for you, Mrs Muckdonald. Corrie golden rule number thirty-six B: never pretend to be any better than you ought to be, especially if you're a woman.

Dev's cousin Naveen, smothered in Brylcream, with a mobile phone and a sharp suit impresses Mike enough to do business with him. Joe gets the girls to work harder and quicker to fill Naveen's knicker order and cheques change hands before all boys together have a drink in the Rovers. I mention this only because the cheque, next week, will bounce.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. I'm off on my jollies soon and next week's update will be written by the smashing, super K. Richard Whitbread. The updates for the following two weeks will be written by the lady you have all come to know and love by the name of Janet Penny but who will soon be known by something completely different, but I'll let her explain all in her updates. Many thanks to Richard and Janet for volunteering to do the updates for me as I shamble aimlessly along Morecambe prom for two wet weeks in the rain, perking up only when there's a special offer on at the bingo. But now, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Karen wants to be a lady of leisure and thinks she can sponge off her hubby but he's got other plans. He gives her a tenner and tells her to manage, or get herself another job. These two are great together and had some wonderful dialogue this week courtesy of Peter Mills.

Mind you, Mills' best dialogue went to new bloke Harry Flagg who turned up from nowhere to be the Rovers' new cleaner. The best way to describe him would be as a soulmate to Norris and as a cross-reference to Roy Cropper. "Harry be name and Harry be nature" he says, and true to form, he is. He tidies up the toilets and leaves fresh flowers in the ladies. Harry, Norris and Fred are already the new Ena, Minnie, Marth, I say, they're old women together.

Dev puts Sunita beyond the call of corner shop duty this week when she has to field calls and visits to her manager and cousin from irate Joe from the factory and dumb dolly birds too. She finally puts her foot down and tells him what she thinks of his bad attitude to women: "The trouble with you" she says "Is that you think with your mobile!".

Toyah needs a project for her art module at Uni. (Err.. just what course is she doing?) and stuck for ideas, plumps for Les' beer-stained, fag-burned old chair as an homage to working class man at his worst. Her tutor takes some convincing but being an arty-farty University lecturer with eau d'academia hanging around his neck, he'll wax lyrical about the semantic properties. Reminds me when I gave one of my Uni essays to my brother to read. "It's pretentious crap" he said. "Ah, yes, but it's good pretentious crap" I said and my lecturers agreed.

Fiz and Toyah have a decorating party and although Audrey wants the place done tasteful like, it ends up anything but. There's more paint on faces and clothes than there is on the walls but it's a good excuse for Fiz and Kirk to slip over to Les' while he's upstairs at the party and they have a sly snog.

Elsewhere this week, Maxine's mum found out that the name plate defacer was none other than Ashley. And by gum, if she were living with me, I'd have done much, much worse to get her upset. Doreen is nothing more than Maxine with more bleach, yuck to the pair of them, I have no time at all for women like them. Anyway, Doreen's upset 'cos Maxine's dad wants to come to baby Romeo's christening. Nope, sorry, it's not baby Romeo it's Josh innit - I just had Maxine confused with another vaccuous tart there.

And that's just about that for this week. Thanks again to Richard and Janet who will be your weekly update writers for the next three weeks. Glenda has left the country.

Glenda

Glenda is on holiday. This week's update written by Janet Waterhouse

Speaking of the young lady wandering the promenade of Morecombe looking for a nice caff serving tea and Tunnocks, Glenda did leave a tantalising hint of what I was actually doing on my time away. Yes, that's right - I was married and am now known under my new name of Janet Waterhouse (my husband has now called me at work five times to see if I am answering the phone correctly!). I don't recall exactly whose idea it was for a medieval theme to our wedding at a medieval abbey in Galway, Ireland, but I do remember the initial conversation with my mother which went "And everyone is dressing in medieval outfits!" Her response was "Well, your father won't do that!" When I told my dad, his reply was "Can I have a feather in my hat, like Robin Hood?" In retrospect, I probably made it much more stressful for myself by offering to sew all those outfits for family and friends, but the photographs have been glorious! So, for the guests staying at Glenlo Abbey who came out in full force with their cameras to take pictures of lords, ladies, knights, jesters and other crazy people they don't know, it was us!! And for anyone needing a medieval outfit, my rates are quite reasonable!

But now, back to the reality that is Coronation Street (and as usual whilst Glenda is away, extra episodes! I had been wondering how she manages to get her reviews out so quickly). Toyah's "A Slob's Life" has been entered in the Weatherfield Art Show by her tutor. Though she's tried to keep it a secret from Les, Fiz has mentioned it to Kirk who suggests to Les they should attend. Initially taken aback to see his chair on display, he's quite chuffed when Fiz explains that it represents the daydreams of the working class man. That nasty Councillor who had the run-in with Curly shows up to present the 500 quid 1st prize to Toyah (who narrowly defeated the leaky tap exhibit). Les is absolutely gutted when Nasty Councillor expounds on how the degradation of the working class is perfectly represented by the chair; poor Toyah's rushed excuse of how he got it wrong doesn't seem to make a dent in his anger. He may hold out for a share in the winnings, though I suppose it is fair since he did more than his fair share in creating it.

Speaking of Kirk, he and Fiz are our favourite luv-bunnies of the moment. Though they've agreed to try and keep the news quiet, neither can help but brag of being a dirty stop-out the night before ... with a student met at the Flat Painting Party. By the way, there was an absolute classic background scene the next morning when Toyah is trying to get rid of unwanted houseguests of someone sliding face-down the wall tastefully decorated in early Strawberry Fields motif! Toyah shudders "Yuck - can you imagine copping off with Kirk??" Well, frankly no - I was never into the spots and gawkiness even when I was a teenager! Kirk overhears Fiz boast it was the "best I'd ever had" and once his little heart stops pounding, suggests that they do it again!

She shows up for some afternoon delight, but Les is at home. Kirk suggests the sofa al fresco would make a perfect little love nest, but Fiz is horrified that he would propose that minging thing! In a true romantic gesture, he swipes the clean sheet from next-door's line, thus prompting a terrific scene later with Emma who wants to know why her clean laundry ended up on that tatty couch. Kirk insists that a gust of wind blew it off the line, but Emma points out that he must think she's daft as (a) the pegs are still on the line and (b) there are marks on the sheet. At that stage, I didn't want to know any details, but Emma displays the four footprints: two pointing up and two pointing down! What a relief - it could have been much, much worse!

Sunita, looking after young Ben Watts, is desperate to confide her not-so-secret love for Dev to someone. Ben's handy and can keep schtum, so he and the viewers get an earful. I quite like Sunita (and have done since her "Dinnerladies" days), but you'd think she would have re-evaluated this infatuation after seeing how he's behaved with Geena and those shameless hussies who keep hounding him for more of the "Des Allan" charm he's been passing off as his own. She's been invited to a wedding (I'm sorry, if I'd only known ...) and finally Dev takes the hint, follows the instructions provided in the Kirk School of Romance checklist, pours some champers into a mug and offers to escort her. There's an uncomfortable moment (for me) when they agree on their "story". Sunita gazes upon him with those liquid doe-like eyes and says that she'll tell everyone he is the man of her dreams. Good thing she didn't see that episode when he bedded Deirdre - it gave me nightmares!

Karen wasn't best pleased that Steve was a no-show at the Painting Party; he certainly wasn't about to tell her that he earned 500 big ones breaking into the warehouse on the Panty Raid. Instead, his excuse was that he had to cover for Vikram. Karen wants a night out and goes to Vik to demand he switch shifts. Not having as much experience in untruth-telling as most of the male (and quite a few of the female) cast members, his face gives away the fact that he didn't have a clue what she was on about. Karen growls that she's going to kill Steve.

However, Steve takes one look at her face, apologises and admits the truth. Next time she sees Joe in the street, she loudly slags him off. Joe tried to calm her down (not an easy task, even at the best of times) and just as he tells her that Naveen probably won't even report it to the police, a police car drives up to Underworld.

Now, Mike had noticed the boxes back in the factory and had blown his top when Joe revealed the outcome of his cunning plan. "Yer just out o' jail - now yer breaking into warehouses. Give me one good reason not to call the police!" Dev is also flaming mad. He's sussed the real story and has been pushing Joe around, quite literally. They've never been the best of buds anyway because of Geena, but this has really escalated hard feelings. Dev had given Mike his word that it would be handled. "Trust me and sack Joe, or I'll go to the police" he threatens.

However, Mike doesn't respond to threats very easily. Dev throws his dummy out of the pram and tells Mike that he won't be his friend anymore. Not to worry, Joe - Dev's all mouth (and hairy chest) ... isn't he?

Well, of course he is. It's just a routine police enquiry as Naveen's warehouse has been robbed. Do they have any idea who might want to steal 5,000 dozen pairs of knickers? Well, Dev might need it for his Valentine's Day list. Mike suggests that it's probably an honest mistake - the order is here, but it's not due to be delivered until Monday. He asks Joe to get the paperwork out of the pending tray. Clever Mike had created an invoice with a new date just in case (Joe had also been clever and swiped the paperwork from the factory along with the goods). The police smile knowingly as they ask whether Mike had heard rumours of bankruptcy. "Put it this way," Mike replies, "I'd intended to make it Cash on Delivery."

But, what are they going to do with the order? They can't flog it for love or money until Joe has another brill idea. He takes some new designs along with the boxes back to Naveen and overcomes the frosty reception by saying he's going places and Naveen will need the contact. He offers the new wares at cost ... once Nav comes up with the cash for the order in the back of the lorry. They each count quantities, then Joe heads off with the new knickers and bra sets, Naveen screaming about being double-crossed. Now, there's the pot calling the kettle black!

Are the Alahan's going to accept this as a lesson in fair trading and let this rest? Not on your nelly! Dev tells all to a cold Geena who then has it out with Joe. Just as they appear to have patched things up, Dev marches straight into the Rovers and in front of an admiring crowd, goes two rounds with Joe. As they brawl in the street, Joe nuts Dev in the head and they both end up bloodied. Geena screams that she doesn't want anything to do with either of them anymore and walks off in a huff (though you could scarcely see the huff for the dim lighting).

There's panic in them thar eyes as Richard Hillman tried to barge his way into the Watts residence. However, Curly has some slightly positive news: there's been more complaints about the hostel and there'll be at least another six month delay before a decision will be made. With that in hand along with the money he raised from selling his car (before telling everyone else it had been stolen) and the mortgage Gail took out on the house, he goes back to his not-so-friendly loans manager. Richard should have known he wouldn't be as nice as that Harold from the Halifax telly ads as he didn't break into song when he entered the room. It just isn't enough on a 350,000 quid loan with a recent 12,000 wedding expenditure (you can get bank loans for a wedding??? And, how exactly can you spend that much when you only had 14 people attend?). "What do you want" growled Richard, "blood???" Careful how you answer that, because Richard could actually provide it. Richard claims that he has some money promised by year-end at the latest from a new source named Gail Platt.

Gail solicitously enquires how the meeting went in her capacity as both firm director and wife. Not bad, particularly as Richard is expecting a big growth in income over the winter. Gail looks a bit confused. "Old people die", he gently tells her. She's a bit taken aback, but pushes it even further by asking what happens if none of the policies "mature". Well, he'll obviously help them along, won't he?

In the Rovers, Richard selflessly asks after Emily's health. Fit as a fiddle and planning a winter holiday, she tells him. His eyes then wonder about the size of Audrey's bankroll.

For some strange reason, Audrey decides she wants yet another family portrait, which to me seems a little far-fetched. I don't know about anyone else, but we have absolutely loads of family pictures from our wedding, and that's even before we've seen the photographer's official ones. If she'd thought about this a bit more carefully, she could have saved herself a fortune. Anyway, while it's all being planned, Richard slips Audrey's keys out of her handbag and nips down the street to leave them in the hairdresser's shop. Audrey is very confused (my Aunt Audrey is just like that, too) and enlists David to help her retrace her steps. He finds them and poor Audrey blames it on the fact that she must have been distracted when she overheard Kirk and Emma having an argument about the weather!

Gail is still questioning whether Richard has come up with an alternative business plan. Yes, his viability test is already in motion. Gail had better watch out - she's asking far too many questions for her own safety.

The photographer comes round, on a Sunday yet. Though they've had enough notice and she's laid out a clean outfit for David, Gail has apparently decided that the clothing she wears to clean the house is good enough to be preserved in perpetuity. Whilst Sarah Lou is sulking that it's preventing her from going out with Ade and Candice (to be sure, it's nothing compared to the sulk she has on when she finds out Candice has asked him out to the pictures), Richard swipes the keys out of Audrey's bag and nips out to get them copied. He then puts them back without them being missed then later lets himself into her house and turns the radio on. Audrey is convinced she's starting to lose it, all according to plan.

The final storyline this week concerns baby Josh's christening. Doreen finds out that, Derek, her ex-husband has been invited and promptly stroppily announces that if he is, then she isn't! With far more patience than I would have exhibited, the Peacocks patiently explain that they want all grandparents to be there (they've even invited Ashley's both birth and adoptive mothers). She's not convinced, so Ash uses some psychology to convince her to help Fred who's organising the catering. Well, when I said Fred, I really meant new cleaner Harry Flagg who seems to have expanded his job description to convince the butcher that vegetarians must be catered for. Apparently stuffed vine leaves are expected to go down rather well (I like them, and I'm by no means a veggie). Fred has been distracted by the fact that Maxine has put her foot down on the babby's middle name - no composers, I say no Joshua Rachmaninov Peacock in Weatherfield!

Now, my Cousin Sandi from Vancouver came over for our wedding and wondered why on earth she kept seeing people in Burberry fabric (you know, that plaid Brooklyn Beckham made trendy for young tots and girls with pre-pubescent bodies, like Geri Halliwell). I can't say I could come up with any good reason because I don't happen to like it at all! Never one to let a bandwagon go without jumping on it as it's miles past the station, Max has outfitted Josh in the fabric, including little headscarf (it was a sunny day). She herself, showing more than her usual amount of decolletage, is ever the hairdresser concerned that the font water might be too cold!

Anyway, Max has a plan to get her parents back together again as it turns out that hussy who moved in with Derek has left, or as it is rather more eloquently put: Donna's a goner! As plans go, it's not a very good one! Doreen smacks him in the chops after he tells her not to get her hopes up about getting back together. Ash steps in to tell them both off for trying to ruin "MY" son's big day! Max beams at the declaration and as Josh dribbles on her chest, tells her hubby she's dead proud he stood up for Josh. It was really touching how Ashley earnestly explained that Josh is his son, just like he is Beryl's as she was the one who brought him up. Tears were streaming down my face as Ash declared "I'm the only father he's ever known!"

Oh ... sob, I can't write anymore. Janet has gone to bed clutching her photos while Jase catches up on the footie (we still have houseguests!). To comment on this week's review, or to order your medieval wedding garb, please write to janet_waterhouse@hotmail.com.

Glenda is on holiday. This week's update written by Richard Whitbread

Hallo. One or two of you may have heard of me before - I used to write some Corriedays updates. I apologise that this is late. Having volunteered we have had a busy time around here - the latest being that my mother is currently in Southampton General Hospital and this has taken a little priority over writing the updates (and hopefully they will let her loose again on Friday!).

I had hoped to slip on Glenda's shoes and dash off the prose, anticipating the usual bottle of Australian Shiraz to help me along. Sadly she only left behind some rather uncomfortable stilettos (probably borrowed from Esme Squalor for those who know their Lemony Snicket) and some rather flat mild so sad to say the wit will be somewhat missing!

Anyway on t'Street the main storylines have revolved around Dev, Geena and t' Carter lad on one side and the continuing activities of Richard seeking to avoid bankruptcy.

Dev starts the week receiving tender loving resuscitative care from Sunita who appears to have slightly more than a soft spot for her boss (touch of the Drear). He has completely failed to notice and has certainly not developed a hard spot (or anything else) for her! Dev reports the attack by Joe Carter to the police and some young lad with a uniform (and a sidekick) {is it just me or are all policemen that young these days?} spend most of the week asking everyone in the Street if they saw the fight and who threw the first punch. Most of the residents have awful memories and have trouble remembering that there has been a disagreement. Geena has an attack of a conscience and uniquely blurts out that not only was Joe involved in the fight but that he actually threw the first punch.

So bang goes Joe's intended defence "I was only protecting meself mister". Sunita acts as peacemaker and gets Joe and Geena talking. He keeps losing his temper with her and falling out. Then they make up again and Joe asks Geena to see Dev and ask him to drop the charges.

There follows the usual back and forth but eventually Dev names his price - if Geena drops Joe then Dev will drop the charges. Geena tells Joe that she won't lie for him - but eventually it comes down to either lying to Dev and pretending to break up or the probability that Joe will be incarcerated and she will lose him anyway. (To be continued, probably ad nauseam). And the onlookers can tell from the "expressions" on Joe's face that he is simply manipulating Geena to stay out of the Big House.

Over the road Richard is working on his plan to drive Audrey nuts (or ore likely to drink) and collect on the inheritance. Now he has keys to her house he pops round and just about manages to turn the alarm off before it goes off (does Audrey have enough stuff to make it worth having an alarm). He wanders around and decides to leave the stereo on before leaving. Later Audrey arrives home, luckily with David Platt (who is currently as much as use as a wet weekend) and they hear "voices" in the living room. Audrey keeps telling everyone she is sure she switched the stereo off.

In the Monday double episode Richard pays Audrey another little visit. Sadly he forgot to check her health and Gail brings her home with a migraine. She finds the alarm off - which she cannot believe - and Dirty Dick hides in the larder, which is of course where Audrey keeps the biscuits which she wants with the cup of tea Gail is making. Luckily Audrey remembers just in time that the biscuits are actually in a kitchen cupboard. Gail also phones Richard to let him know she will be late. Now Dick Dastardly has left his mobile on the top in the kitchen and as Gail is dialling he quietly leaves the larder and just about hits the off button as the line should have connected - a narrow escape. Eventually Gail leaves and Audrey decides to have a bath but the phone goes and she has an extended chat about nothing whilst Deadeye Dick is having a nervous breakdown, knocking over various kitchen jars and cans. On his return home Gail notes that he appears to have marmalade on the sleeve of his jacket. Quick thinking - one of his business meetings was in a very dirty caff!

Anyway if you thought that was bad - then the surprise on Dirty Dick's face when Audrey comes round to say that she has seen the "stolen" people carrier in a garage just up the road and it is for sale and it was definitely the right reg number! Richard talks them out of going up there until the following day (and no doubt Janet will tell us how he gets out of this one).

David Platt - what can I say. Poor year 7 lad. Walks around looking sorry for himself (except for a lovely moment when he and Dev exchange admiring glances over the damage each has suffered). Eventually he admits to Sarah that he is being bullied by some year 9 kid. Sarah tells Gail and Richard. Gail talks to Ken. David gets upset. Aidan (Sarah's boyfriend) decides to take it on himself. He has a few words (of the usual friendly, approachable and persuasive type) with the bully. And gets thanked for his efforts in sorting out David's problems by Gail. Now have I missed the point - surely this is bullying and potentially more serious than the simple physical abuse suffered by David?

Whilst at school Aidan continues to make Ken's life interesting! Aidan has decided that he intends to be Prime Minister (and that seems a good idea - after all Aidan might not be so keen on a fight with Iraq) and as it is career choice time that is not inspiring to Ken. Later Ken, Peter, Mike and Dreary are having a friendly chat in the Rovers. As a result Mike is inveigled to giving a talk to year 11 on the benefits (or otherwise) of qualifications and working up from the bottom.

As a result of being in the paper with his lodger, Kirk, Les is under attack by the Housing Department for subletting. Les decides on attack as the best form of defence. He is not subletting to Kirk - as he writes to the Housing Dept. They are more than just good friends and they should be treated as a couple. Kirk agrees to go along with this - except that of course he needs to keep his relationship with Fiz secret - just when she wants to start shouting it from the rooftops. This is bound to lead to some confusion!

Peter visits a florists to buy some flowers for Shelley on his return from his trip. They exchange some flirtatious comments - so the writing is on the wall for someone.

Vik has a new fare - a jockey who appears to have some very good racing tips - well he is making some money out of it and lets Steve in on the secret. This could cost Peter some serious money.

So can I thank all of you for reading this far. Next week the newly wed Janet will be back (well she needed some r&r after last week) and then Glenda will return from where-ever she has been. I will send on the Shiraz to help her along.

And if you liked it let Glenda know and I will offer to stand in again!

KRW

Glenda is on holiday. This week's update written by Janet Waterhouse

Hello once again. Yes, it's me ... a little late as I was working away last week and wasn't able to watch the video until the weekend. First of all, thank you so very much to all the nice people who congratulated me on my recent nuptials and who requested photos of the gang in our medieval outfits. I'll post something on the Profiles page for anyone interested. By the way, my email account has now been cleared, so my apologies for those of you who tried to send a message and were told it was full; I'm available now for your comments, quips and sewing tips!

Over in Corrieland, it's Fiz's 18th. Toyah is really upset that her mother hasn't even sent a card (I don't want to go into it, it brings back bad memories, but not of anyone in MY family), but Fiz is more philosophical (speaking of mothers, where has Janice been lately?) Anyway, Toyah tells Kirk as Fiz was too afraid that he wouldn't get her anything if he knew. He's skint, but borrows money from Les who gives him the best piece of advice he could come up with on short notice: Don't buy her a deep fat fryer! Instead, Kirk springs for some perfume, bringing quite a blush to those pretty little cheeks of hers.

A girl after my own heart, Fiz eats the birthday cake from Roy and Hayley for breakfast! Later on, she and Kirk celebrate her birthday with a few bevvies ... and more!

There's a bit going on about work placements. Mike Baldwin gives a presentation to Ken's class about being a successful businessman. The same three pupils get to talk in these scenes: Ade, Sarah and Candice. In my school, we were all encouraged to participate, but hey-ho. At least Todd's planning on getting well away to study law at uni. Ken fixes Ade up at Kevin's garage, Candice is going to work at the salon and Sarah has arranged to work at Bethany's creche. However, when she realises how close Ade and Candice are going to be, she sweet talks Granny Audrey into letting her work there instead ... on the condition that Sarah is the one who tells her. It seems to me that there was a perfect opportunity here to discuss the morals of keeping promises, but no. Candice isn't too happy about being replaced and issues a challenge - maybe Ade isn't going to be Sarah's boyfriend for much longer.

Les has heard back from the Council. They are sending a Housing Officer round to discuss his and Kirk's relationship. OK, maybe all this is not politically correct, but it did make me laugh all the way through, which has to count for something.

Les has a cunning plan - they'll camp it up and then they won't be split up. They try to de-macho the house by putting Village People and Barbra Streisand albums prominently on display! Toyah helps out by moving all Kirk's things into Les' room to make it look more convincing and prepping them by asking questions ... what colour are Kirk's eyes; where did you meet; what did you first think of each when you met? Kirk pipes up "I thought he were scruffy!" Les retorts it was rich coming from a tatty-'ead!

Vikram has bragged about his jockey pal and great tips to Steve McD, who in turn feels it necessary to tell all the lads and Eileen. Vik is fed up with the lot of them and decides to pull a fast one. He lets Les and Vernon "overhear" him taking a tip on Bertie's Dream. They tell Eileen, who tells two friends, and they tell two friends...

I couldn't tell if it was Deirdre or Pauline from the League of Gentleman who advised Sunita to forget all about Dev. Oh, sorry, that's really Deirdre after all. Sunita wants to know whether Big D ever fancied her boss, like when she used to work for Mike Baldwin. We were amazed to see that Deirdre's nose didn't enlarge when she answered no. Hasn't she been involved with every boss she's worked for, right back to Ray Langton? OK, maybe not Alec Gilroy at Sunliners.

Over at Joe's, Geena is crying that she hates lying to people. Too bad she doesn't hate clothes that are two sizes too small, though it has to be said that at least her outfits are an improvement over Eve's too big tops which constantly showed off her bras (a particular bugbear of mine).

In one of those "What on earth were you thinking?" storylines, Geena confesses The Plan to Sunita. "It's dishonest and cruel and you're manipulating Dev who is the hunkiest knight in shining armour I've ever seen in my life" denounces Sunita who believes she's being vindictive just because Dev once looked at Karen McDonald. Well, Geena isn't going to tolerate that and, just when I thought I'd managed to get that nightmare out of my mind, breaks the news about Deva and Deirdre at Christmas. "Yes, he's gone through all the shopgirls," snides Geena. "You're probably next."

Sunita starts giving Deirdre the cold shoulder. There's a classic scene where Fiz comes in for a hangover cure and mentions that luckily she's not over the hill yet. Sunita pointedly enquires of Deirdre when she went over the hill. Somewhat puzzled, Deirdre responds that she'd like to think she hadn't quite reached the summit. The new hubby snorted something about mutton being well past its sell by date. Just then, Kirk comes in for something for a hangover, too. He claims to have been drinking with Les. "Oh yes, Fiz - it was your birthday (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Did you get everything you wanted?" Ooh, yes, ta (say no more!!).

Deirdre confides in Dev that Sunita has been a bit "off" with her and the Double D's try to figure out why.

In the Rovers, Ken buys Mike a thank you drink, then another for Deirdre who manages to walk in at the right moment. "Look at her," fusses Sunita. "She must think she's God's gift the way she goes after anything in pants with a pulse." OK, maybe the pulse bit is a slight exaggeration when describing Ken. Laughingly, Shelley reveals Deirdre's affair with Mike.

Toyah tells Fiz off for being ashamed of going out with Kirk. It was just the same when she and Spider (calm down, Glenda!) were an item. When they did go public, it was wonderful. Fiz isn't one to hold back. "Oi, you!" she gestures to someone at the bar. "My place ... now!" Mike Baldwin utters a sigh of relief as he realises that she's not talking to him!

Ken discusses Joe and Dev's outburst with Mike. Or is he? "Fancy two men fighting over a woman. How pathetic!" [Not as pathetic as the woman the two wrinklies were brawling over, muttered my other half]. They smile knowingly from the advantage of hindsight, and put it down to a business deal gone wrong.

In the vernacular, Geena freaks out over at Joe's. Then again in the street when Dev accosts her to find out if she's finished with Joe. Then a third time in the Rover's sitting room, the double strength mascara is streaming down her face as she tries to cope with two blokes harassing her.

But, it's not over yet. Joe has the brill idea that Geena should tell Dev it's all been a big mistake and she really wants to get back with him. She goes hunting for Dev who's gone to the Cash and Carry. Sunita offers to brew up while (hello???? Anybody home?) Geena confesses that she's going to make a play for Dev, but Sunita definitely does not want to know.

Geena catches up with Dev, flutters her eyelashes so he invites her out for a drink, and really pushes his luck by bragging to Sunita. The former couple head back to his, witnessed by two very unhappy souls - Sunita and Joe (separately, of course - this is not another plot thickener!). Geena feels a bit strange sitting in Dev's flat quaffing champers, and then doing the washing up??? What is in her head (part 2)? Dev shuffles over and snuffles her neck. Geena screeches and heads over to Joe's. She needs to know how far he expects her to go, and is gutted when the answer is apparently as much as she needs, to avoid him being sent back to prison.

After insisting the car she saw actually was his, Audrey insists on accompanying Gail and Richard to the car lot. Richard tells them to wait outside whilst he goes inside to talk to the salesman who bought said vehicle from him for much needed cash. Richard makes an excuse about wanting to buy something, just so it looks to the women that he's being shown proof of purchase. Later at the house, Gail accuses Richard of lying. Momentarily he's taken aback, till of course she praises him for not wanting to hurt Our Aud's feelings.

A card in the mail announces that the photos are now ready (I don't know why he just didn't phone). Sarah sniffs that they'd better get them quickly as it will be the last photo they have of David without a number underneath. Hmm, that's calling the kettle black. Richard suggests inviting Audrey round to have a look at them. Gail manages to catch her on the phone just as Audrey is setting her washer going.

Richard slips over to Audrey's and calls the salon to ensure that she won't come home. As he's leaving minutes later, the meter man comes round. Oh dear ... a witness. Does this mean he'll get bumped off, too?

Aud returns home to find the laundry fairies have hung her washing out to dry (wish they'd come round to our's!). Her face and manner are really rather amusing! She admits the tale to Rita and Archie (Rita and Archie?? Have I missed something here?), but he tries to convince her she's just having a senior moment. Rita mentions that she can't wait to get away, but I really don't remember that she and Mavis had decided to go on a cruise.

Just then, there's a knock at the Hillman residence - it's the Bill wanting to talk to Richard about his ex-wife. A body has been found and they believe it to be her!

Yes, a man walking his dog by the canal spotted a floater and they'd like Richard to formally identify the body. "Oh," says Richard. "This is so ... fortuitous" (OK, I made that last bit up, but we all know what he was thinking!).

Gail can't understand where Patricia has been. I can't understand why Gail is so dim! She tries to reassure Richard that it may not be Patricia. "Oh, it will be," he mutters darkly. Now, we all know that the body could be that of a blond 60 year old transvestite with a gammy leg and still he'd ID it as Patricia.

Gail, ever the sympathetic Stepford Wife, puts some brandy in his tea following his return from the morgue. Audrey, who had tottered over from the Rovers to find out whether Richard had been arrested, thrusts hers out too. For some inexplicable reason, she's convinced that Patricia has been murdered.

Gail coos that she knows just how much this whole episode has upset Richard. Oh, I don't think you do, luv. When he hears, Norris is absolutely convinced something's up.

Tricky Dicky twists things around to put the idea of Patricia committing suicide into Gail's head. You're not responsible, clucks she. Oh, little does she know. He asks Archie to arrange the cremation - no service will be required, so he can please hop to it and do it as soon as possible. Richard will even cover any extra expense.

Shelley waxes Peter's leg to demonstrate why she had to use his razor. I laughed to see him cringe, momentarily forgetting that the one time I had it done, I threw money at the girl and ordered her to stop after only half a leg was done. It's the razor every time for me! "Ooh, look at all the hair on that!" she admires before asking Peter to put some more water in the vase so the flowers don't wilt. Interesting juxtaposition, I thought. Peter picks up the card for the flower lady and slips it into his wallet. Surely the leg wax didn't hurt THAT much!

Peter is a bit put out because Shelley worked Geena's shift. Bored with the telly, he heads off to Lucy's Florist. She's closed, but opens up just for him. Give him his due, he does tell her about Shelley, but invites her out for a drink anyway. She accepts.

Peter tells Shelley he's going out bowling with the lads and then to a casino afterwards ... as you do. She tells him she hopes he'll be lucky tonight! Peter has sussed up the odds all right and is pretty sure that he will be!

Kev has overheard Eileen giving Jason a tip and places a tenner with Sally who warns Peter that there may be problems if it wins. But, hey - he's feeling lucky so declines the opportunity to hedge his bets with other bookies. He tarts himself up in a rather smart shirt. As he checks himself out in the mirror behind the counter of the rather snazzy wine bar, Lucy pops up and asks him if he sees anything he likes!

She finds out all about seamen from Peter. He's made it clear that he loves Shelley and it's getting late. Lucy suggests they share a taxi home. She invites him on for coffee ... no pressure (oh puhleese!). He gives in gracefully, entering the Delivery Door to Lucy's Florist and into her very colourful flat (not to my taste - it reminds me too much of the colour scheme next door where they have mixed bright orange - not Burnt Sienna, it's bright orange - and turquoise). He admires the paintings on the wall, most of which are her work. There's an intriguing moment (read plot giveaway) when she says she attended art school, but had to drop out for "personal reasons". Can we possibly see a bunny boiler in the future???

The telly's on in the Rovers as everyone gathers to see the results of the big race. Bertie's Dream romps home, becoming Barlowe's Nightmare, much to Vik's surprise. Looks like they'll be clearing out Barlowe's Bookies after all. Shelley phones Pete to let him know. Lucy overhears his lies, and still asks him to stay. She moves in for the kill; Peter makes a half-hearted attempt at refusing, but she convinces him to tour other rooms in the flat. They end up, as we all knew, swapping various bodily fluids in her darkened bedroom.

But talk about lucky ... Upon his "early" return home, Shelley apologises that her phone call has ruined his evening. He tells her it didn't - he had a good time. She tries to lure him to bed, but he needs a shower. "Hope you're not tired!" she seductively exclaims. I guess she'll find out.

Well, that's it for me for now ... always pleased to hear your comments. Just direct them to janet_waterhouse@hotmail.com

Until next time, hasta la vista, babies!

---

Back to Updates index page		Back to corrie.net