Greetings and welcome to another weekly update and as it's November 5th, I thought I'd invite you all to the weekly update bonfire party and fireworks display. Every now and then throughout the update today I'll be standing well back and lighting the fuse to let off a fine display of catherine wheels, rockets and the occasional cheeky banger. Feel free to go "ooohhh!" when you wish and remember, remember to wave your sparklers with pride. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
Ken might still be feeling guilty over hitting Ade and breaking his nose but Blanche rewards her hero with an Elliot's Cumberland ring for his troubles. In a wonderful scene between Ken and Deirdre, old chestnuts are aired and roasted when she criticises him for putting principles before his family, and calls him a martyr. Ken takes her words to heart and later calls the school to withdraw his resignation and with his union behind him, goes on full-pay suspension and a cheap break to Spain from the web. As Ken and Deirdre jet off to the sun, Blanche feels sorry for herself at home all alone (again).
Norris and Emily hatch a plot to bring home the new Mr Wu-Two in time for Rita returning from her cruise. But first Norris has to cross Roy's picket line outside of Dev's shop to get Emily some tea-bags. When Roy protests, Norris tells him in a hushed voice: "It's substance dependence" as only the right kind of tea-bags will do for Aunty Em. With Kirk's help Norris finds a breeder in Skipton and off he goes with Kirk for company to pick up the new dog - which manages to look just as ugly and mean as the first shih-tzu did. Keep that dog indoors missus, I've just set alight to a huge roman candle. When Rita returns from her cruise she notices straight away that there's something wrong with Mr Wu and when he tries to take her hand off and won't sit on her sofa and have his coat brushed, Rita decides she'd rather not have the dog after all. She sells him for £300 to a breeder she'd met on the cruise, which makes her quite happy but leaves Emily and Norris out of pocket as they'd paid Kirk £450 for the dog. When the time comes to say bye-bye to Mr Wu, Norris is the one that takes it quite badly and hugs the little wotsit to his chest in a tearful farewell. Steady. Steady. Don't go back to it. It might go off in your face.
Dicky does more dastardly, double crossing deeds as he nicks a frock from Audrey's house and confuses her even more by pretending to ask her to babysit so that when she 'forgets' she assumes it's her fault. And of course it's not. To set her mind at ease, Audrey gets her house locks changed which foils Richard's plans to get into her house and move things around, that is - until she gives Gail and Richard a spare set of keys.
At Weatherfield General, Sarah's on the mend and Todd pours out his heart to her. He tells her he'll give up University, all he wants is to be with her and look after Bethany. Bless. Sarah says that although she thinks he's special, she can't be responsible for him giving up University and missing three years of watching daytime telly while eating pot noodle. I'm not sure when Eileen turned into possessive-mother-from-hell but she's pleased that Todd's buckling down to his studies and even more happy when Todd suggests they go up to visit Oxford together. How many times do you have to be warned? If you keep doing that with your sparkler you'll have somebody's eye out!
When Richard sits down at Gail's dinner table to sort out his finances, out comes the laptop and the budgeting software. But when it's Roy who wants to draw up a business plan to raise finance to extend the cafˇ, all he needs is his trusty black and red notebook and a short stubby pencil. If Roy extends the cafˇ, he can foil Dev at his plans to build the amusement arcade but it means one thing that Hayley doesn't want to hear - she'll have to give up her job at the factory and work in the cafˇ full-time. The Croppers have their first falling out.
OOOhhh that was a big one. And finally this week, Sally and Kevin get closer and cosy but Kevin's having trouble with their living arrangements and wants to be a proper husband to Sally and proper father to the girls. As Kev discusses his problems with Curly and Sally tells all to Eileen the Webster's finally talk to each other and Kev lays his cards on the table, hoping to come up trumps. "I want us to get married again." he tells Sally. Fortunately, it's a game of snap, 'cos Sal wants the same although she tells him things can never be the same as they were that first time around before he shagged off with slapper Nat.
And that's just about that for this week. Whoosh, fizzle, bang.
Glenda
Apologies, for personal reasons there isn't an update this week.
This week's update written by the wonderful John Dean
For those of you who have been kind enough to write in the past saying how little you appreciate all the ''so-called'' humorous padding (and are thoughtful enough to attach the entire original mailing in case I'd forgotten who I was or what I'd done) I have provided an 'Update Lite' and 'Update Superlite' at the end of this mailing. Please scroll down if your blood pressure is under threat from my ''feeble attempts at humour''So, Steve has had his 'Fire-fighter's Bonus' from Karen who obviously loves a man in uniform even if he's not wearing one. Now all Steve has to do is get 'The Mummy' on video and see if she loves a man in cuneiform. BTW, when the cops arrived to tell Gail her Mother was at death's door in Weatherfield General just days after Sarah was discharged, I think Gail should have been wearing a tatty singlet, have her head shaved and a ciggie in her mouth and say 'How can the same s**t be happening to the same Gail twice?'
The new family arrives. Not sure if they're the Nelsons or the Osbournes. The daughter is a dead ringer for Kelly 'who the f*** said that' Osbourne. Richard is putting in the poison to everyone who will listen that Audrey is a danger to herself and others.
Audrey's son & grandson have sent flowers from Canada. (Well, not *from* Canada, that would take too long). They chosen a random florist in Weatherfield to deliver a bunch of daffs. Which, of course, is Peter's bit of posh the libidinous Lucy. Naturally she knows Archie, naturally she bumps into him and naturally they go into the Rovers for a drink where, naturally, she meets Shelley and, naturally, at that exact moment Peter walks in to see his two lovers face to face.
Maxine and Doreen turn up at the Nelsons with a cup of sugar (wha?!?) and try to elicit information. The Nelsons are shifty and obviously have ''A Secret'' they wish to keep from the neighbours. Daughter Katy is not even allowed to write to her former school friends. Turns out they're from Sheffield and Tommy (the Dad) is a Mechanic.
Doreen gets a letter from her Solicitor - Hubby is going for a divorce, citing Mike Baldwin as co-respondent and threatening to withdraw maintenance. Mike makes it clear he wants nothing to do with Doreen until the divorce is sorted.
Richard double-checks Audrey's medication with Martin. After all, he doesn't want Audrey to suffer an overdose, does he? Mwahahahahaha! Audrey blithely plans to go back to work, unaware that Richard and Gail have decided she's not safe to be left on her own. Even when she wants to go for a walk, Richard insists he would have to accompany her and Gail confirms it 'Mam, yer not safe to be left on yer own'. Audrey bursts into tears. Later she hears Gail & Dastardly Dick discussing how to get Power of Attorney over her affairs & she runs off. Richard gives chase.
Meanwhile Vik has a win on the Rovers' fruit machine & reinvests his winnings at the Bookies. Sally tries to offer advice & he snaps at her. Richard chases Audrey along the canal. She puts on a fair turn of speed for an old 'un and beats him to Archies where she begs for Sanctuary. When Richard tries to follow her in her voice gets higher and higher, up to squeak level then ultrasonic. Bats start throwing themselves out of the attic. (I made that last bit up.) She suddenly has a flash of insight - Richard is after her money! He's trying to kill her! How she deduces that from a man following her along the canal saying 'Audrey, we're only trying to help you' we have to take on faith. Peter meantime returns to Shelley after a visit to Lucy. I notice now he's stopped insisting on having a shower before starting the rumpeh-pumpeh with Shelley. I mean - Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Audrey tries to persuade Archie she is perfectly sane. 'Go on - ask me some questions, any questions'. This was Archie's chance to say 'If you're a hairdresser, why do you go around with your hair looking like that?' but instead he opts for 'Who's the Prime Minister?' No, says Audrey. Too easy. Short Diversion (scroll, scroll ye literalists) . My wife works with dementia sufferers and there is a standard set of questions to test people's mental state. One of the questions used to be 'Who is the Prime Minister?' Folk gave all manner of answers (Lloyd George, our Milkman, the Queen) until The Iron Lady took power. In a short time everyone knew the answer was 'Margaret Thatcher', however confused they were about everything else. So the question was almost worthless. Worse was to come. After John Major replaced Maggie, people *still* said she was the PM - including people who were clearly otherwise entirely compos mentis. Major never registered with the majority of elderly people. So they had to drop the question. Anyway. Archie asks her 'Who is the Prime Minister's wife?' 'How many eggs in a dozen?' and 'Who was your last customer?' Audrey says she will count backwards from 100 and *then* answer them - just to make it more difficult. Of course, she is still doing this when Gail rings up to see how her Mam is. So all Gail hears in the background is what sounds like a batty old woman going ' seventy-nine, seventy-eight ... who is it? Seventy-seven, seventy-six .. Tell her I'm not .. Seventy-five . going back . seventy-four, seventy-three . while Richard is there' So that's Gail neatly convinced her Mum is gaga. But Archie is impressed that Audrey gets all the answers right. We then get a beautifully written episode where we go back and forth between Archie's house, with Audrey trying to make Archie see the truth, and Gail's where we see Richard trying to persuade Gail to believe the lies about her Mother. Audrey produces a neat bit of logic that persuades Archie she *couldn't* have taken her dress to the cleaners so it must have been Richard who then planted the ticket in her bag. Ideally she should have one eye closed, be wearing a dirty raincoat and smoking a cigar. 'Just one more thing, Sir ..' Archie is finally convinced. He even remembers that Richard talked about the missing fire alarm battery *before* he'd talked to the Fire Officer. And how keen he was to get 'Patricia' cremated. So now they realise that he killed his ex-wife.
Meanwhile, Richard is reminiscing about his Mother's dementia. He recalls that when he was a kid, his Mum was clever with figures 'She could have been a Bank Manager'. She used to love Countdown. But then she started swearing at Carole Vorderman and blaming Carole for everything that went wrong in the world. (I have to say, personally I don't think this is evidence of dementia. Lots of people swear at Carole Vorderman on Countdown and lots of people blame her for everything that goes wrong. I know I do) Anyway, in the end he was tempted to push her downstairs and put her out of her misery. And Gail is so mesmerised by him, she actually feels sympathy for him. Does Richard need any more encouragement to do Audrey in? One thing for Brian Capron. He must be inundated with offers for Panto this year. He should accept about half a dozen and do relays - ten minutes as Abanazer in Aladdin in Manchester, off to Stockport for a quick 5 minutes as the Pirate Chief in Dick Whittington, helicopter to Matlock for an appearance as the Sheriff of Nottingham in 'Babes in the Wood'. He could make a fortune. (scroll, scroll)
Monday's episode in the UK was on at 8.30 instead of the usual 7.30. Which led to the ironic situation of Mrs Dean (who was working the late shift) being faced with a bunch of old folk who thought they were losing their minds because Emmerdale didn't stop at 7.30 to allow the Street to begin. One lady waved the TV Guide and said 'It's supposed to be on now'. Which, according to the Guide, it was. Though the guide was the edition from three weeks ago. How much fun is that? A programme about someone being driven out of their mind driving people out of their mind because the TV company change the transmission time?
Meanwhile the Nelsons are discussing their neighbours, based on stories the youngest Nelson has picked up from his new chum David Platt. They become aware that they're living next door to a woman who nearly burned herself to death, a teenager who helped to steal a car and nearly died when it crashed. Mercifully, they've yet to find that the Middle Generation of the family had a husband who was murdered. As did the neighbour across the way who is herself a jailbird.
Ken and Deirdre return from their holiday. Blanche doesn't think Deirdre looks very brown. A line obviously written by a scriptwriter who hasn't seen Ann Kirkbride under neon lighting recently.
Tommy Nelson gives Kevin some advice about a broken-down van and Kevin (coincidence!) is looking for a mechanic. He gets Tommy to put his name down at the Job Centre (though Tommy is reluctant because he has ''A Secret'') so Kev can interview him for the vacancy.
Sally enters the cafˇ with a piece a grit in her eye. A handsome stranger steps forward 'I am a Doctor, let me help' As many on ratucs have pointed out, this is clearly the buffet scene from 'Brief Encounter'. There's a clue . Turns out later the handsome stranger isn't a Doctor. He just said he was because he didn't think Sally would let him look in her eye otherwise. Little does he know how simple it is going to be to persuade Sal to let him test the springiness of her knicker elastic.
Vik has started transferring money from Radiocars to his personal account so he can carry on betting in cash with Peter. He is embezzling thousands. Audrey turns up at Gail's to persuade her that she is in danger from Richard. Gail doesn't believe her and throws her out. Gail wonders aloud 'How can someone who looks so normal be so unhinged'. 'Yes', says Richard, 'I know' Mwahahahahaha! Archie agrees to accompany Audrey to the Police Station. 'I'm in this with you' he vouchsafes. No longer Columbo, we are now in the Christmas edition of 'Hetty Wainthrop Investigates'
UPDATE LITE
The new family (the Nelsons) arrive. They clearly have some kind of secret. Richard is broadcasting that Audrey is a danger to herself. Peter's two lovers meet up in the Rovers, but Shelley is unaware Doreen's husband is going for a divorce, citing Mike Baldwin as co-respondent . Mike wants nothing to do with Doreen until the divorce is sorted. Audrey overhears Gail & Richard discussing how to get Power of Attorney She runs to take refuge at Archies where she eventually persuades Archie she is sane and Richard is trying to kill her, as he killed his ex-wife, but Gail is even more convinced her Mum has lost it. Ken and Deirdre return from their holiday. Kevin is looking for a mechanic and gets Tommy Nelson to apply. Sally meets a handsome stranger. Vik starts embezzling to pay for his gambling Archie agrees to accompany Audrey to the Police Station
UPDATE SUPERLITE.
Audrey OK. Archie believes, Gail doesn't. Nelson family arrives. Mike drops Doreen. Lucy meets Shelley. Sally meets potential lover. Vik steals money from his firm to gamble.
john@jdean62.fsnet.co.uk
Very many thanks to the wonderful John Dean for last week's update. It's Glenda, back again, trying hard to follow in John's footsteps but it's pretty difficult as he is, surely, the Fred Astaire of words when I'm merely a pantomime dame in clogs trampling all over the keyboard. But here I am anyway, back again for your updating pleasure after a couple of weeks absence and so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.With her trusty Archie by her side, Audrey tells her tale to the police and PC Bloke believes her. Richard's called in for questioning but easily punches holes in Audrey's story when he reveals that Audrey has an appointment with the specialist at the hospital to test for senile dementia. So it's back to square one with everyone but Archie thinking that Audrey's gone doodle-alley. (Note to self: must go there sometime, sounds v. interesting and I hear the weather's good). Knowing her family isn't safe under the same roof as Richard, Audrey tries to kidnap the kids which deteriorates her relationship with Gail still further. But then Archie has a plan and advises Audrey to see his solicitor to change her will, which she does. She tells Gail and Dicky there's no point in bumping her off now as they're not gettenh ay penneh. It's too much for Gail to take, she thinks her mother's gone bonkers and tells her never to darken her doorstep again. Archie thinks Audrey needs a break for a few days and offers to whisk her off to his sister Stella Shuttleworth who runs a guest house in the Lakes. Even Martin thinks this is a good idea for he too, sadly, thinks Audrey is off the rails although he's promised her he'll keep an eye on Dicky in her absence.
Maxine's curious about her new neighbours, the Nelson's * but aren't we all? Tommy gets a job at Kev's garage after he proves he's a dab hand with a spanner. Now, my brother manages a garage and I was chatting to him the other week to see how realistic the Street garage was. These are his words, not mine: "The spanners are too big and they don't drink enough tea". So there you have it. So just what is the Nelson's big secret, I wonder. Are they on the Witness Protection Programme or just ashamed that casting have got the mother and daughter in completely the wrong roles? I don't know, but they seem perfectly normal to me; I'd hide behind the sofa too if Maxine and her mother came knocking at my door.
Alex the painter starts work at the Websters. Sally palpitates over paint charts, while Alex wallpapers over the cracks in her relationship with Kevin. Kev tries on his old wedding suit complete with drawn-on tash. "Why did I ever get rid of it?" he wonders. "Because Steph Barnes shaved it off" we shouted at the telly.
Mind you, as if Sally hasn't got enough on her mind, she's now figured out that Peter's having an affair. After listening in on one hushed phone call too many at work, Sally tells Kev what Peter's up to and he tells her to mind her own business. Spending the afternoon with Lucy in a casino seems a good idea to Peter until Vik comes in and discovers Peter's secret. He now intends to blackmail Peter and get out of paying his £1,000 debt. (Has this Lucy got no life of her own? Why is she always in, waiting, ready, doing nothing? Why does she never slob around her flat in Garfield slippers with curlers in her hair and chocolate bon-bons in her ears? I do it all the time and it comes highly recommended).
More marital discord for the Watts on Emma's day off. There she is one minute strolling along with Curly and baby and the next she's having a drink in the Rovers with one of the lads from work who's moaning on about how his partner doesn't understand him and how he's only going to date policewomen from now on. There may be trouble ahead. But while there's Curly and baby and house, Emma should face the music and dance.
Finally, it's been a good week for the Street's scholars as Ken helps Todd with essay writing and Emily offers Toyah her front room for quiet reading after Emily finds her studying in the cafˇ when she should be at work.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
