Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit popping through your doo-dah.  I hope it gives you as much pleasure to receive it as it does me to send it.  There’s nowt much happened to me between last week and this so without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

After Audrey’s outburst at Maxine’s funeral last week, things have settled down nicely as far as Richard’s concerned and the heat has been taken off him for a bit.    In the Rovers however there’s tears and turmoil in the back room when Matt the too-tall doctor rings up for a chat.  Fred can’t understand why Ashley won’t speak to the man, I say, show a bit of decency and talk to the fella, so Ashley has to come clean and admit to his dad, that he thought was his uncle, that he might not be the grandfather of the son, that he said was his nephew.  Martin offers Ashley a hospital shoulder to cry on as he comes to terms with knowing he has to find out if he’s Josh’s father or not and signs up for a paternity test with the doc.  Not Matt the too-tall doc, another one, probably called Bill and probably less tall.  Or it could be a lady GP, some of them are these days you know. 
Maxine’s parents moved out this week and back in with each other. “It’s not a reconciliation,” Doreen tells feckless Derek: “But at least it’s a start”.  

Happy Harry in the Rovers magics up a signed Man Utd football from somewhere and raffles it off to raise money for Maxine’s memorial fund.  And the winner is, ladies and gentlemen, the Nelson kid, wotshisname.  No seriously, wot is his name? I know the daughter’s Katy. Anyway, Kev’s a bit suspicious after he finds out that young me-laddo who’s name I can’t remember, writes the wrong name on his class book at school.  So that’s two names I don’t know.  Anyway, he writes the wrong name but it’s the same name as the one that was in the wallet in the garage that me-laddo’s dad Tommy picked up and said was his own.  Using the signed footy as an excuse, Kevin takes the ball to young er.. Nelson junior and asks Tommy about the incident at school but no-one says a word. Later in the garage, Kev gives Tommy another chance to explain and finally Tommy tells him the truth.  Kev’s happy, Tommy’s happy and the number one mechanic gets his job back at the garage.

Spider does his best to look after Aunty Em and tries to menace Norris when Emily lets slip that he’s becoming a pest.  Les and Kirk take advantage of Norris’ good nature, kind heart and penchant for the Shopping Channel as he prepares Sunday dinner for them. With seven different veg on the table, lovingly prepared by Norris in his pinny, Les forces himself to try some of those unfamiliar to him but upsets Doris (as he’s taken to calling his new lodger) greatly when he spits out his courgette. 

Poor Roy. He doesn’t like change.  He likes things just the way they are, thank you very much.  And then this young whippersnapper Ciaran comes in with his plans for extending the café, forcing Roy well outside of his comfort zone, making him ruminate, cogitate, contemplate and agitate.  But when Ciaran refers to Roy’s Rolls as nothing more than a backstreet naff caff, it’s the ultimate insult and more than Roy deserves.   He tells Ciaran any deal he may have been considering is now well and truly off - but Ciaran’s got plans of his own.  After talking to Spider about his organic juice-bar, Ciaran tells Roy if he won’t join him, he’ll beat him.  He plans to open up next door to Roy selling fancy frothy coffee, contemporary cappuccino and lah-di-dah latte.
 
By far the best storyline this week was Toyah finding out the truth about John. She can’t understand why Fiz is being so nasty to John and decides to move out of the flat and in with John just as soon as she can.  As Toyah’s packing to leave, she and Fiz argue about friendship as Toyah tells Fiz she’s no friend, not a real friend to her or Maria.  With tears in her eyes, Fiz tells Toyah the truth about friendship, the truth about Maria and then it’s Toyah’s turn to cry.  First off, she storms into the Rovers to find out from Maria if what Fiz said was true.  Maria can’t deny it, she’s guilty as charged but somehow the conversation leaves Toyah wrongly assuming that Maria was raped.  So off she storms round to see John, bursts in to his artsy-fartsy seminar and loses it completely.  Telling him much more than he deserves to know, she breaks down and admits she was raped.  There’s real anger from Toyah (excellent acting from Georgia Taylor) and if she wasn’t already threatening to smash John’s face in with a mini-statue, I’d have wanted to do the same myself.  Later, Janice finds her in bits and takes her back to her flat where Toyah breaks her heart over men. 

And also this week, Sarah celebrated her 16th birthday when she and Todd did it, you know, it, upstairs in her bedroom when they had the house to themselves.  There was a lovely scene in the corner shop when Todd went in to buy some, you know, toothpaste.  Dev was behind the counter and knew what Todd was after but made him sweat a bit before handing over the goods, free of charge to young Todd. 

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another you know what popping through your wotsit with an extra slice of pickle and a slap of mayonnaise.  I've got a flea in my ear as I write this week's update, no really I have, I've got the RHCP's playing as I write so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

There were tears spilt in our living room when Toyah left this week.  In contrast to Maxine who was lumped over the head with a hammer, never to be seen again,  Toyah left with dignity and the respect of the cast and the viewers.  You don't have to be too much of a rocket scientist to work out that she ran off with Spider down south to London.  After a few words from Roy: "To thine own self be true", it was with hugs, tears and a flask of hot tea from Hayley that Toyah went on her way. And what better way to go than to disappear in Spider's organic juice-mobile?

Roy's all of a flutter now he knows Ciaran plans to open up a fancy new cafe next door.  "I feel like I've harboured a viper in my bosom" he tells Hayley before telling Ciarian to take off his pinny and he sacks him.  Oh yes, Roy Cropper did very well without young Ciaran before and he'll do very well without him in the future too, thank you very much.

Hayley's got more pressing matters on her mind when she's demoted from supervisor at the factory. It all starts when Joe gets offered another job by one of Mike's rivals. Over a bottle of whisky in the factory, Mike and Joe have a heart to heart after they argue about him leaving.  Anyway, Mike persuades Joe to stay on, as a partner, leaving Joe free to make any changes he sees fit. The first thing he does is put Karen in the supervisor's job and the girls are not best pleased, especially Janice who ends up throwing a pint over her ex-bessie mate in the Rovers after they argue at work over excess trips to the loo and Karen acts like the Big I Am all over the place. Steve meanwhile gets suspicious over Karen and Joe's friendship, convinced there's more to it. Of course there's more to it Steve, you married a slapper - for a bet - what'd you expect?

Sarah throws a party at the house for her 16th birthday and all goes well until Candice and Katy wrestle over Jason.  Just as Sarah and Todd come downstairs, buttoning up their clothes, to see who's making all the fuss, Martin walks in to find a cat-fight in the living room and Sarah post-coital on the stairs.  He tells Sarah either she tells Gail what's going on, or he will.  Anyway, it's Todd that tells Gail all about it in the end and although she's angry with them both at first, Gail comes round in the end.

And that's just about that for this week.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Glenda

There is nothing much scarier than an empty white screen with a cursor blinking at me when I sit down to write the weekly update.  Phew, there, that's better, before I knew what I was doing I've already filled up half a paragraph so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

There's been shenanigans in Underworld this week with Karen lording it over all and sundry in the pants department.  First off, she wants to sack Janice for throwing the pint at her last week but Joe says no. With the girls against her, Karen soon finds out life's lonely at the top when none of them offer to stay behind to do overtime on the underwear.  Karen's gutted until Joe helps stitch up gussets, leaving the girls to wonder and ponder what's going on between supervisor and spiv.  Steve gets to hear about Karen staying late at the factory with sharp-suited Joe but when he confronts his missus, she denies there's anything going on.  Mind you, when she's alone in the office with just Joe, there's more than just running stitch going on in them undies, you can tell.

Across the road, another love triangle gathers pace and a curvy line (I hate it when triangles do that, don't you?) when Peter gets back to Lucy.  Tracy goes for an interview at Lucy's florists and in one of those soap coincidences that pass for real life, she gets the job and tells Peter she's going to look after the florist when Lucy goes off on maternity leave.  "Ma-ma-maternity leave? Are you sure?" says Peter before he gets himself round to see Lucy in the flat (she's in, of course, hovering by the door, and refusing to let him in, which she does, of course, and she simpers.  Ugh).  Anyway, he's all for dumping Shelley and playing happy families but Lucy says it's not what she wants and sends him off packing back home where he's slime bucket supreme to our sweet and lovely Shell.

Les has a hard time dealing with Janice's relationship with Mick the Plod (who seems a decent bloke, for a copper).  Over a romantic pizza in the precinct, Mick asks Janice to move in wi'him.   She's already decided to start divorce proceedings with Les but when she tells Les to expect something important in the post, meaning a solicitor's letter, he gets all excited and the wrong end of the stick, by assuming the valentine's card he's received is from Jan. It wasn't, it was a joke card from Eileen although Les' guesses were priceless when he wonders who it was from: "Bandy Mandy the contortionist?  Suzi Quatro?". Anyway, Les is crushed and defeated but Kirk manages to put a smile on his face and tells him the only way to handle things is to be nice to Mick.  That way, Kirk reckons, Janice will see that Les isn't so bad.

At the Rovers Harry offers to clean up Ashley's house before he goes back there for the first time but Ashley tells him they'll go in there together.  While Harry potters about casting his cleaning magic and putting the heating on, Ashley turns pale and walks out, it's too soon and those blood stains have done havoc with the shag pile. He visits Maxine's grave and tells her about the paternity test he's had done - the results of which he'll know next week (and most of us in the UK know already, if you want to know email me and I'll tell you).  

Ciaran got carried away by the coppers this week when the secret submarine society special radar caught up with the errant subaqua tar.  He puts up a bit of a foight, turns and runs and troies to get away, so he does, but the coppers bring him down, turn him in and bundle him into a taxi. That wee girl of his from the shop is moighty upset, I can tell yer, but that Shelley one, she's hardly surproised.

And over at the Platt's it's all going on.  First off Richard gets a dose of good news when he finds out the bail hostel isn't going to be built next to the luxury flats that he's trying to flog.  He's overwhelmed, overjoyed and suggests to Gail that they buy a new house away from the Street.  And as all this is going on with Richard buzzing and humming and what not, Ade rings Sarah from the young offender's institution.  He wants to speak to her about something, but whatever it is, Todd's not best pleased about Sarah's choice of friend.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update, or as someone called it this week, “a little bit of Radox bubble bath smoothing in through the email”. Someone else referred to it as a cumberland sausage with a plate of egg and chips on the side but I like to think of it more akin to a Tunnocks caramel wafer – it’s gooey, sweet and sticks to your teeth.  So without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

This was the week, oh yes indeed it was, when Richard broke down and confessed all his crimes while Gail just sort of stood there with her mouth in the shape it would make if she’d got stuck on the lo part of the word baloney.  Against Todd’s advice and without his knowledge, Sarah visits Ade in the young offender’s institution where he’s got the results of his blood test from the night of Maxine’s murder.  After Richard had doped him up with Audrey’s diazepam tablets, the police reckon there’s no way Ade could have carried out the murder, there were enough pills in his system to knock out a small horse.  And as the small horse had been with friends in a bar that night as the landlord of the Bull’s Head can confirm, it too has been cleared of the killing of the crimper.  Sarah takes this news back to Audrey who insists she tell her mum straight away but being like any other 16 year old who’s told to do something, she doesn’t.  And so it’s left to Audrey to break the news to Gail that Ade can’t have been the killer and oh, by the way, does Gail know where those diazepam tablets of hers went to that she’d left at Gail’s house. Slowly, slowly, Gail enters the Twilight Zone, doo doo doo doo, and realises that the man she loves, doo doo doo doo, is indeed the Corrie killer, doo doo (oh shut up with them doos and get on with it).  Confronted by Gail, Richard breaks down and admits all.  Yes, he killed Patricia. No, he didn’t murder Duggie, he fell down the stairs. Yes, he meant to kill Emily.  No, he didn’t sign a three year contract with ITV so yes, he’ll be banged up in prison and off our screens soon.  Gail’s in tears, scared for her life but manages to keep it all together without the wobbly-eyed histrionics she normally subjects viewers too.  And all through this, Richard defends his actions: “I’ve done all this for you, Gail.  I’ve killed for you, that’s how much I love you! Did Brian or Martin ever love you that much?”  Offering her the choice between a brand new family home on one of those cheap estates with yellow bricks, white drainpipes and verdigris-MDF as a style statement, or a phone call to the police, Gail rips up the promo brochure for the new house - making her intentions quite clear and getting the best line so far: “You’re Norman Bates with a briefcase”.  And so, Richard does a runner, tears streaming down his face as he leaves.  Indoors, Gail’s on the phone and in tears to Audrey.  Well, no-one can say she wasn’t warned.

Elsewhere, Ashley gets the results of his paternity test which prove conclusively, I say, without a doubt, that he’s absolutely not the father of Josh, no.  It’s Matt the too-tall doctor who is father to Josh the too-big baby.  Angry at first, Ashley finally accepts things and says he doesn’t love Josh any less than before he knew he wasn’t the real dad but Fred’s having trouble, I say he’s finding it hard to accept that he’s not related to the babby, despite both of them being bald, fat gibbering lumps of burpiness.  Anyway, as you knew he would, Fred says he’ll try to think of Josh as his own, although it’ll not be easy for him to do, knowing full well that bringing up another man’s son is the hardest thing to accept.  Fred even suggests that when Ashley is ready to move back home, he’ll move back in there wi’him and the babby,  Ah, bless.

Peter’s got small, fat, bald, burpy things on his mind too and pleads with Lucy to let him back into her life although she’s still refusing, so he sends his love to her via a bouquet of flowers. To her place of work.  Yes, her florist shop. (Although if you ask me, it seems a bit like sending a trendy bar on the quayside packed with northerners in t-shirts to Newcastle).  Peter talks to Ken about babies in general, not his own in particular, and Ken thinks he’s talking about having kids with Shelley so his advice of “don’t be a stranger, be a proper father” makes Peter more determined to be together with the fetid flopsy florist.  Armed with Ken’s advice Peter goes round to Lucy’s and asks him to marry her while continuing to demoralise the wonderful Shell – and after she’d hosted a generous (albeit disastrous with Dev turned up with Tracy) Sunday lunch for the Barlow’s too.

Curly’s more than happy for Emma to go after promotion to Inspector at work but when she tells him it’ll involve her attending a course for two weeks, he’s not very happy.  He’s even less happy when she tells him the course is residential, leaving him home all alone with the baby again.  What’s a matter with him, hasn’t he got any hobbies?

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda Young