Greetings and welcome to another weekly update coming through your email with the speed of light wearing shoes from Clarkes. So without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Dicky’s done a runner after revealing his catalogue of crimes to the missus last week, leaving Gail in tears and the street in shock. Of course, there’s some folk, I say there’s Norris, sporting a new hat to relish in the gore-fest along with the snappers and hacks who set up camp in Gail’s garden and torment the neighbours for quotes and juicy gossip.  Gail takes the kids to stay at Audrey’s for a while then returns home to find the police have fitted a panic alarm and burglar system in case Richard returns.  Worried for the kids and concerned for his ex-wife, Martin moves back in temporarily as Gail hits the bottle.  Audrey worries for her daughter downing Tesco’s Lambrini and a tense, nervous breakdown can’t be more than two episodes away. Despite everything that’s happened, Gail maintains her love for Richard and tries to cope with the fact that her fella was a psycho.   (Clearly still in denial, she’ll hit anger next then acceptance comes last). The police unearth Patricia’s body at the flats and although Audrey deserves an apology from the blokes in blue for being right about Richard, she doesn’t get one.  News spreads on the cobbles like treacle on a hot pancake that Audrey was right all along.  Blanche comments quite rightly: “There’s folk round here with humble pie to eat.” Yum.   Meanwhile, the Duckies wonder what’ll become of their money they handed over to Richard to invest on their behalf.  When Jack calls the number of the company Richard is supposed to have invested their deposit with, the line’s dead.  Ken checks out the name at Company’s House but finds nothing, of course.  The Duckies decide to fight for their dosh with Gail being their first port of call.  Someone else who went to see Gail after the news broke this week was Ashley; confused, hurt and angry, blaming Gail for the death of Maxine.   As Gail sends the kids back to school for some semblance of normality while she gets pie-eyed on the plonk, David gets into a fight with some kid who yells at him: “Your dad’s a murderer!” and Candice responds quickly with “Yeah? And your mum’s a shoplifter!”.  The fall-out from Richard’s confession to Gail has been excellent stuff this week, truly good.

Over at the Rovers, Fred offers the flat above the pub to Shelley and Peter.  Shelley thinks it’s wonderful – so that’s another Rovers barmaid gone from rags to adequacy - and starts moving her stuff in but can’t understand why Peter’s a bit more reluctant.  There’s a wonderful scene when Shelley, Sunita and Deirdre go wedding-dress shopping and are served by the wedding-dress assistant from hell.  Or should that be Hull? Or even Mull, where her bloke went off to be a crofter and left her after 22 years, bittered and twisted, when he swapped marital misery for sheep and some hills. So, as Shelley’s planning and shopping for the wedding she thinks she’s having, Peter and Lucy are at the registry office booking a date for their marriage instead.  Peter’s still not brave enough to tell Shelley about Lucy but when Tracy finds her brother at Lucy’s flat and puts two and two together, she tells Peter if he doesn’t tell Shelley soon, she will.   Peter gets back to the Rovers to find Shelley in tears.  Thinking that Tracy’s told her that one of his weddings is off and the other one is on, he’s relieved to find she’s upset because her sister has been rushed into hospital, not because she knows about Lucy.

Not much else really happened this week as the two storylines above took up most of the time.  There was an extra episode, again, which I think dilutes and spreads out the storyline too much.  But then I’m not a major media company dependent on advertising revenue, so what do I know?  I’m just a fan.   

Anyway, also this week, Eileen got a shock when she found Jason’s dad, Tony, at the bar of the Rovers.  He’s there with a young blonde bit, Merle, who nips to the ladies and comes out to tell Betty the sink’s blocked, to which Betty issues that standard northern reply from women of a certain age: “Lovely”.    Anyway, Eileen’s not best pleased to see her ex and scuttles off home with her perm all a-quiver, refusing his offer of a drink.

And finally this week, Sally and Kev send young Rosie back upstairs and beg her not to go out of the house to a birthday party looking like a right little tart.  Yes, she’s reached that age when she thinks it’s cool to look like Britney Spears.  Some women never grow out of it. 

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.  As I'm going on holiday somewhere lovely with someone special, next week's update will be brought to you by the fantabulous John Dean.  Yes, I'm off for a while; my case is packed, my hair's been cut and I've even had a bath.  And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

The whole Shelley shenanigan stuff has been good this week as Peter still hasn't told his intended that he no longer intends, not now he's puckering his two lips at the tulip seller, that doyenne of the daffodils, the dozy mare Lucy.  Tracy and Lucy get cosy round the posies as Tracy gives her possible future sister-in-law a run down of the Barlow family history: "Me mam's a right slapper and me gran's a real go-er and my dad, well, he's not me real dad, I'm the illegitimate spawn of Fred Gee" sort of thing.   Lucy thinks they sound like a right bunch of weirdos but little does she know that Tracy wasn't joking.  Anyway, Shelley's sister takes ill and off she goes to visit her so off Peter goes off to spend the night with his florist.  When Shelley returns, she's all wedding frocks and fancy icing and even though Tracy is egging Peter on to do something, he still hasn't told Shelley the truth.

Jack and Vera, penniless again, need someone to blame for the loss of their savings. With the journos sniffing around the Rovers, the Duckies sell their friendship to Gail to the papers for £500, laying the blame squarely with Mrs Hillman.  Vera: "They were married, she must have known what was going on. Married people don't have secrets." Yeah, right. When the snapper takes the picture of the Duckies to accompany the story, young Craig Nelson gets in the frame and Tommy's not best pleased when he sees the pic in the paper, worried that someone will spot and recognise him.  Meanwhile, Gail's doing her best to pull herself out of the Lambrusco and get back on with her life.  With support from Martin and Audrey, she makes a start and goes to see the solicitor.  Just when things look like they might be getting better, there's a dark shadow on the cobbles….could it be?  Of course it is and you knew it would be.  Back for more devilment, Richard gets into the house somehow and waits. David returns home from school and Dickie grabs him. 5 points.  Sarah returns from a Todd-snog. 10 points.  With Bethany. 20 points.  Then Gail retuns home. Double tilt and a free ball, take this voucher to the attendant who will exchange it for a Taiwanese furry toy.  "What have you done to the children?" Gail screams as Dickie just stands there, respectable-like, in his suit and tie.  Cue music and credits until John's update next week.

There's been some good moments this week; some excellent dialogue with come-hither looks and throw-away lines.  Best by far, but not an easy one to put into words was the exchange in the Kabin between Norris and Audrey.  (I've just tried to write it and it really didn't work.  Believe me, it's priceless and you'll just have to watch).

More pre-teen angst for the Webster women as Rosie takes to wearing Sally's make-up and has a grown-up haircut.  "I was just like them at their age" says Sally to an angry Kevin, who can't understand what's happening to his little girl.  Ha!  Just wait until she wakes her dad up by playing David Bowie's 'Low' at 3am at top volume when she's got PMT.  Oh, so that was just me then?

Sunita offers to help Ashley go clothes shopping for baby Josh, a good idea as Maxine's plan to dress the kid in clothes from "Precocious Prats R Us" was clearly a mistake.  Could there be a romance between these two?  I'd like to think so. 

And finally this week, there were fisticuffs in the factory when Karen and Janice had a fight in front of the fellas.  Karen's acting the Big I Am with her business cards and power ear-rings and she's loving it, lording her power and cleavage over the other girls, especially her old mate Janice who's not so matey any more.  There's more flirting over the frillies between Joe and Karen and he asks her out to dinner, a business do, nothing more.  Poor Steve's having trouble coming to terms with the changes his wife's going through and wonders where girl he married for a bet went.

And that's just about that for this week.  Many thanks to John for er.. volunteering to do next week's update. (I've left some kippers in the fridge, John and don't forget to feed the weekly update rabbit).

Glenda

This week's update written by John Dean (Glenda's on holiday)

Previously on 'Weatherfield' .  ('I've left some kippers in the fridge, John and don't forget to feed the weekly update rabbit'...). Thanks Glenda. I'll just park my bum on the weekly update chair. Oh look, Glenda's got a new furry cushion. Whoops! Sorry, pet. Didn't see you there (Pet! Arf! Geddit?)

Anyway, we begin where the last episode left off - scary snake-like Richard transfixing the mongoose that is Gail.  'Nothing to be afraid of' he hisses. So, obviously, she legs it to the door. But her screams are drowned by the engine Tommy Nelson is revving outside the garage, and no-one notices the brief image behind the glass front door of Gail being dragged away by Richard.  He reveals he has come to make amends. He has brought a written confession clearing Gail. He also wants to point out he is not a psycho. He is just ambitious and unlucky. He has been stealing milk off doorsteps for nourishment, he has been hungry, dirty and tired and, worse even than all
that, he has had two weeks with Gail. I'm sorry, two weeks withOUT Gail. As a preparatory to spending the rest of their lives together, he offers to tie her up. But not in a nice way. He has an industrial sized roll of Gaffer tape (this will be dubbed with Duck tape when the episode airs in North America) which, presumably, he found on a doorstep next to the milk.  He's also found the rings Gail discarded and now he slips them on her fingers.
Gail secretes a pair of scissors about her person (don't ask). In the garage the children are tied and gagged, Baby Bethany is drugged and Richard announces if they can't live together as a family, they can die together. Oo-er. Gail insists on a last kiss for her kids and slips the scissors to Sarah who starts cutting David's tape when Richard isn't looking.  Richar turns on the engine, some soft music and several thousand middle-aged women.
Fumes fill the garage .. (NB - nitpickers. Yes, modern people carriers are fitted with some technical device that prevents them producing toxic fumes, but if the non-toxic fumesthey *do* produce displace the oxygen in the air then people will still die, though from asphyxiation not carbon monoxide poisoning - Hah!) Audrey rings the bell. No answer. Tries to use her key. Door is bolted! From the inside!! There is music coming from the garage!!! There is the sound of an engine running!!!! (Sorry, I've run out of '!'s - I ordered some specially for this update but they didn't arrive. You'll have to put in your own now)

Tommy jimmies open the door and VOILA a car full of gagged Platts and Hillmans. Richard drives away and the 3 Amigos, Tommy, Kev and Martin, give pursuit in a car that's just failed its MoT and has a duff alternator. Or it's just failed its alternator and has a duff MoT. Whatever (I'm not a mechanical person). Sarah and David free themselves and start battling with step-dad.  At the canal Richard shouts one final 'I LOVE YOU' (I think he was looking in the mirror at the time) and drives the car straight in. Cut to underwater blub glug bubble Sarah escapes with Bethany, David squeezes out of the car but Richard pulls him back. Meanwhile Tommy and Martin dive
in. They rescue David, then Gail (as Richard tries to hold her back). Tommy even goes back for Richard but the car is empty.  Richard Hillman sleeps wit da fishes .. Actually, knowing Greater Manchester canals as I do, I'd have to say Richard Hillman sleeps wit da abandoned prams, old bicycles, bedsteads and shopping trolleys and it's a wonder neither Tommy nor Martin impaled themselves whenthey dived in.  Ambulances turn up but Tommy won't go to hospital. HUGE kudos to the actors here for volunteering to shoot the underwater scenes. Very scary thing to do (especially Helen Worth who can't even swim).Because of them, we had one of the most tense and exciting scenes we've ever seen.

Meantime Joe is off dining with a client and has taken Karen with him as chaperone. Steve is frantically ringing round the cabbies trying to find out which Restaurant the meeting is in. Reminded me of the Godfather - 'I don't want my wife coming out of there with just Joe Carter's d**k in her hand'. Eventually he finds out and turns up. Karen is bladdered and not pleased tosee him.  Words are spoken. Gail is back home musing on how she has become one of those femmes fatal. She's certainly seen off her share of husbands.  The Police arrive - they have found a body in the canal. Gail volunteers to identify it. Strange - do the Police think there are TWO (or more) bodies in the canal and they have dredged up someone else's? Even more strange because the copper involved
conducted a lengthy interview with Dastardly Dick not long ago and you'd think he'd remember what he looked like. Still, that's show business. Gail identifies the grey-faced corpse in the body bag.  Then she solemnly
goes to the canal and before the Police can say 'Oi, we might need those for evidence' she throws her rings into the dark and oily waters. Where, ten thousand years later, two hobbits called Smeagol and Deagol . no, wait .
wrong story. And so we say farewell to Richard Hillman.  Goodbye Brian Capron. You were
brilliant.

Came the Dawn . The Poster outside the Kabin says 'Serial Killer Drowns'. I wasn't sure that two murders make a serial but there you go. Norris points out, wisely, that for evil to triumph it is necessary only for the scriptwriters to be given a storyline. Or something. Gail is throwing Richard's clothes out. David is vowing never to watch the DVD player Richard bought him. Baby Bethany is practising holding her dolly under the water in the sink. And when Jason wants to know if Sarah's whole life flashed before her she asks 'What life? I'm only 16'. So there you are; Father murdered, Mother and Grandmother nearly murdered, Brother a runaway bridegroom, underage Mother, kidnapped by a Psycho (apart from Richard) nearly drowned with her baby, step-father and step-brother nearly burned to death, in a car crash with a psycho (apart from Richard) - how uneventful it all must seem.

Speaking of car crash psychos, Ade turns up to say good-bye to Ken and give him a farewell present - a copy of 'Crime and Punishment'. Deirdre is unimpressed. But since, out of the two of them, Ken is the only one who has
actually committed a crime even though Deirdre is the one who's spent serious time behind bars, it all seems appropriate. Ade also tries to get back with Sarah, without success.

Shelley gets a phone call. Her sister Sharon has died. (Is this one of those families with themed names? - Shelley, Sharon . maybe the other siblings are Sheila, Shelob and Shelizabeth?)  Peter agrees to drive her to Bradford. Of
course, this means Shelley will be away while Peter is getting married to Lucy but probably they'll save her some cake and a copy of the wedding video.

A pair of eyebrows enter the Rovers followed by Steve who brings flowers to make up with Karen. The lovebirds stand at the bar:
Steve - 'Slapper'
Karen -  'Plonker'
And she gives him a loving peck on the cheek. Aw.

Meanwhile, Kirk takes delivery of a huge pile of boxes. He claims to have won a competition - the prize is a year's supply of toilet paper which he proceeds to start selling to the rest of the Street. Katy spends an evening in the Rovers with Tyrone & the lads, drinking great quantities of Orange Juice before falling off her chair. Her parents are convinced the lads have been spiking her drinks but Martin realises it's more serious and gets her to hospital where they diagnose diabetes. Joe takes the Underworld Grrrlz out for a drink but, following an altercation with Janice, Karen is left alone with Joe. He confesses he is nuts about her. She rebuffs him. Steve, meantime, is going crazy, believing the worst. When Karen finally gets home he insists she resign. She refuses and he throws her out.

And there we are, my international chums. A pleasure to have spent this brief time with you all again. Here comes Glenda ..

John Dean

Very many thanks to John Dean for last week's cracking update while I was on holiday in Europe. I had a wonderful time, drank loads of foreign beers and ate waterzooi van kip.  I'm aware that I send this update out to you every week through the miracle that is corrieweeks, and I know I don't mention him often but ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glass again this week to Peter Flint who keeps things ticking over in the back room.   The thousands of subscribers to the weekly update are all looked after beautifully (and voluntarily) by Peter.  Without his help, corrieweeks wouldn't exist.  And because of the sheer volume of subscribers now, the weekly update probably wouldn't exist either - as I don't have the technical wotsit and know-how to keep this show on the road without Mr Flint.  And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

It's all come-hither looks and gusset linings this week at the factory with Karen and Joe.  Sure that there's something going on between his missus and her manager, Steve throws strumpet Karen out onto the street and changes the locks after giving Joe a good thumping in the packaging department.  To which the man sitting next to me on the sofa commented (wryly, I thought): "Well, that wasn't the best punch ever thrown in that factory but then again, it wasn't the worst."  Karen's back before you know it though when Steve calls her on her mobile before she's mid-snog with Joe, begging her to go back to him - which she does. But Joe thinks she still wants him - which she does.  His efforts to make her jealous pay off when he has lunch with a buyer called Lisa who's all sports car and split ends.  Joe tells Karen he knows they both want each other and Karen tells Joe not to forget she's a married woman. Joe doesn't see that as being a problem and leaves the ball, racquet and frilly white sports dress firmly in Karen's court.  Strangely, Dev fought Karen's corner this week, telling Steve that Karen wouldn't have an affair with Joe because "she knows where to draw the line".  Now then, if only someone would tell her how to draw her legs together, he'd be right.  There was more excitement at the factory this week when Joe told Mike he'd like to see a big expansion in men's pants.  The girls get right excited about this growth area and debate the merits of breathing space vs support.

After Katy was rushed to hospital last week in a coma, the diagnosis is diabetes and Martin comes round with his little prick when Katy has problems learning how to inject her insulin.  I  have to admit I know nothing about diabetes so this storyline's been right educational for me.   The only time I've come across diabetes was as a kid playing in the street with my friend's cousin and I could never understand why his mother came out to him at three in the afternoon and made him eat a banana.  This happened every day during the 6 week's summer holiday and I always thought he was a right lucky little lad.

When Maxine's memorial raffle money goes missing from the Rovers, Fred jumps to conclusions and Harry gets the sack.  The simple explanation was that Peter found it by the till so paid it into the bank and when Fred realises his mistake he's all mithered - in a wonderful comic moment.  It's another fine mess he's got himself into and he has to ask for Harry's forgiveness.  Harry takes a long time coming round to Fred, well you would, wouldn't you, after being accused of theft?  But finally he does, all's well in the end and he gets his job back although Harry says he wants to stay on t'other side of the bar as pot lad, cellar boy and casual purveyor of fine ale and salted nuts.

And the best storyline by far this week has been watching Peter Barlow squirm.  With Shelley's sister's funeral booked for the same day as his wedding to Lucy, he knows he has to be in two places at once and by the skin of his teeth - and after a good nagging from Shelley who can't understand why he wants to rush away and leave her at the funeral - he is.  He's at the funeral for elevenses and a nice bit of meat pie with Shelley's Uncle Len (whom I and the man on the sofa had the pleasure of meeting in a London pub when we stopped for a breather during the anti-war march t'other week) and then it's a mad dash to the registry office for a buttonhole affair and shotgun fellowship to a florist.  He's twenty minutes late and Lucy's got a sweat on but with Tracy and a mate, the new Mr and Mrs Barlow are wed with all the romance and passion that a town hall can muster.  He does, she does -  and to think, eh, he only popped into Lucy's that first time for a bunch of chrysanths. So think on.

After Kirk's competition win, of all that free toilet roll last week, he thinks he's on to a winner and enlists Jack's help.  Together, the two of them are going to enter (and win) as many competitions as they can; professional comping here they come.

Life goes on in the Platt household with the place looking like one of the rooms before Anne Maurice, the wonderful House Doctor has been in there and sprinkled her magic.  Anyway, Audrey tells Gail that Steven in Canada has offered to fly the whole lot of them out there for a few days holiday.  It could be what Gail needs, especially now that the police have been to tell her that Richard's body has been released and is ready for disposal.  Throw him to the house robot! Pit! Pit! Pit! Pit!  Gail, decent to the end and with Archie's help, organises for his body to have a send off in the usual way but without any flowers, mourners or Robbie Williams' Angels.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. I don't know about you but I don't know where I am this week. It's Tuesday as I write the update but I'm having Sunday lunch for dinner and it feels like a Friday because I'm off work tomorrow which means Thursday will feel like a Tuesday and then it really will be Friday but I have to spend  Sunday working at my PC so the weekend's only going to be one day long. So before I forget who I am never mind what day it is, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Now then, when Mike's in Spain he golfs mainly on the plain. And while he's away he leaves his car at Kev's garage along with the keys, telling Kev to make sure the car's delivered back to his flat when it's had it's cybo-turbularegulatory gear shift cam stick fixed. Or something.  Anyway, after it's been fixed Tyrone takes Katy Nelson for a drive to Mike's flat and before you can say "I don't suppose they'll use the keys and go into Mike's flat, will they?" they do. Katy's bored and bunking off school and Tyrone's trying to impress so there seems little point in not going in and smashing a priceless ornament and using Mike's phone for an hour to ring Katy's mates in Sheffield, really.  No, go on, you'd do the same.  Katy knows she's not allowed (by her dad, definitely and by the law, possibly?) to contact her mates back in Sheffield but after she's caught up on all the important news like who's giving the biggest love-bites to who, and where, she tells Tyrone she wants him to drive her to meet up with her mates. And bless him, Tyrone does. She meets her mates midway between Weatherfield and Sheffield; Weathersheff and swears Tyrone to secrecy.  Chancing their arm before Mike comes back, they return to his flat for a spot of rifling through his drawers, not realising Mike's already returned and reported his car stolen. "Ha! Gotcha!" Mike says as he finds them in his kitchen fondling the cutlery and looking rather worried.

Someone else looking rather worried this week was Peter.  After their wedding last week, Lucy finds her new husband is still phoning his old girlfriend and she's not best pleased. She gets the truth about the lies from Tracy and when she confronts Peter he begs on his knees for forgiveness. This would have been an advantageous position for Lucy had she wanted to give him a good kicking, but sadly she didn't. What she did do was ride off in her little van with a face full of tears and without her wedding ring and husband.  Meanwhile Shelley returns to the Rovers with her wonderful mum Bev - once a pub landlady, always a pub landlady - and she's going to be a great addition to the Street; I hope she sticks around.  Fred's already making eyes at her, I say he's already taken to Shelley's mum and Harry even perks up a little when he meets her.  Shelley knows there's summat up with Peter and even Bev wonders why he won't talk about the wedding but when Shelley asks him to come clean, he continues to lie.  "Nothing's wrong, Shell" he tells her. "I'm the luckiest man alive to have you."  Let's hear him say that next week after Shelley's mum has his nuts bagged and salted behind the bar. She got the measure of Peter immediately.

Maxine's seat was exposed outside the hair salon when her memorial bench was unveiled in a little ceremony held on the cobbles.   Not much else to say here really.

Gail, Audrey and David fly off to Canada for a holiday, leaving Sarah and Bethany home alone with Martin popping in to look after her.  Sarah's got other plans though and asks Martin if Todd can stay over. Not having much choice in the matter, Martin agrees and Sarah, Todd and baby play happy families while Gail's away.  But if Audrey's away too, with Maxine dead and Maria gone awol, who's looking after the hair salon now?

Janice reminds Les that she wants him to sign the divorce papers and Les winds up Mick and Janice all week whenever he sees them (which he does, often, it got a bit monotonous).  Janice asks Mick to move in with her, to show both Mick and Les how serious she is about her relationship with the copper. And of course this makes Les even more jealous and bitter than he already was. Anyway, out on duty, PC Mick and PC Lady Emma see a car run a red light and when they pull the car over, it's Les.  Les starts giving Mick a hard time, does a bit of pushing, a bit of threatening, a bit of insulting... and it's when he insults Janice that Mick lashes out.  Before you know it, Les is on the deck and Mick's giving him a kicking. Rightly, Les is crying police harassment, copper brutality and all that sort of stuff but sadly, no one seems to believe him (or care). What is it about Les Battersby that any storyline he's involved in is just a waste of space? Is it the actor? Is it the character?  I'm like, huh, whatever, just get outta my teevee man.  Emma saw what really happened so will she stand by her copper or will she cop out? When she tells Curly, she doesn't tell him everything but Curly's still upset to hear Emma's on the shortlist to be a seargant which might mean, gulp, a move away from the street.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda