Weekly updates - June 2003

Once more I wade through discarded Tunnocks wrappers to gain the Siege
Perilous.

Emma is still trying to get in to see Ben and, persuaded by Norris. Curly
lets her in. So she shuts him out and changes the locks. And threatens that
she will keep Ben if they split permanently. And Curly is back where he
started - lodging with Jack and Vera, all alone. Two kids, two wives and he
can't see any of them. Still, he gets the last of the eggs, sausage, full
coronary thrombosis while Jack is forced to crunch muesli.

Wally turns up to put the moves on Tracyluv. A brief discussion leads to a
negotiated settlement whereas the party of the first part and the party of
the second part agree that a) They're both terribly fond of Blanche b)
Neither is interested in commitment and c) the party of the 1st part would
be willing to let the party of the 2nd part get a closer look at the labels
on her Marks and Sparks lingerie if the party of the 2nd part would care to
give the party of the 1st part a closer look at his cheque-book stubs. This
really is a match made in heaven. I'm only sorry I won't be writing the
update when it reaches its, you should pardon the expression, climax. Though
I have to say that the younger Dean sibling is fearful of the idea that
Callisto and Orinoco may actually mate .

Sarah is fearful of losing Todd but he has been doing his sums. He reckons
to get a student loan and bursary of 6,000 a year, from which he expects to
pay 600 a month for a flat in Oxford (No, stop it, I've spilt my Sanatogen
all down my shirt). So if Sarah gets a job for 10,000 a year, that will be
them sorted. Obviously not heard of tax, National Insurance or even the
Oxford tradition that first year students have to live in college.

Sarah, Katie and Candice set about their homework interspersed without
discussions about the joys of the older man. And hormones. Sarah wants to
know if Katie has done anything for her Biology exam. Obviously she would
like to say 'Martin' but he is not co-operating. Even when Gail told him to
be careful on the fun-run in case he pulled something, he didn't take the
hint. For his 35th Birthday, Katie buys him a watch (which he won't accept -
'We're not mates. Me and yer dad are mates. You and our Sarah are mates')
though he accepts the bottle of Tonic from David.

It is Steve and Karen's second Wedding Anniversary. He finds her in the
Rovers, for once without Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. She tries to
give him the wedding ring back. He refuses . she tries again . essentially a
game of shove ha'penny without the ha'pennies.

Dev finally gets Sunita out on a date. In the middle of the restaurant he
gets down on one knee and offers her his Grandmother's engagement ring.
'Will you marry me?' The whole restaurant goes 'Aw!' Fifteen million viewers
go 'Aw!' Sunita points out that 'Lurve' has not been mentioned. That makes
it sound like an arranged marriage to her, and she's already run away from
one of those. She storms out.

Sunita discusses the situation with her female friends. She assures Shelley
that Dev has changed after his holiday in India. 'And what 'appens', asks
Shelley reasonably, 'if 'e goes on another 'oliday and changes back?'
Sunita tells Deirdre 'Dev has proposed'. 'Oh Aye', says the scraggy one, ''
Oo to?'

Meantime, Deirdre is turning into Miss Marple, trying to dope out who Tracy'
s new boyfriend might be. As she explains to Ken - 'Summat's going on'.
There's fake tan on the towels, exfoliator all over the bathroom, secretive
phone calls ..

As she is speaking, Ken goes over to the bookcase, looks up a word in the
Dictionary and goes back to the paper. Deirdre wants to know what he was
looking up. 'Witter' says Ken. 'Is it fer yer Crossword?' Apparently not,
Ken just wants to confirm it means 'to speak with annoying lengthiness on
trivial matters'. And is interested to learn it is of Scottish origin.

Wally arrives to chauffeur Tracyluv back to Casa Orinoco where she is
treated to the delights of the indoor swimming pool. He makes a fox's paw by
inviting Tracy to stay the night and she reacts with outrage - 'What kind of
girl do you think I am?' Which was a golden, but missed, opportunity to trot
out the old joke - 'We've already established that, now we're just haggling
about the price.'

Wally offers to include Tracy in his Will and the sunshine breaks through
the clouds again.

Meanwhile Joe and his Muppet Pal Frank are pretending to rob the Factory so
Mike won't realise that the fictitious order from Artrec (which he thought
hadn't been delivered), hadn't been delivered because *now* he will think it
*had* been delivered but had been stolen by bandits. Of course, in the
middle of the tense and exciting robbery (not) Harry turns up to collect his
wallet which he'd left in his overalls. And hears a suspicious noise ..
Which turns out to be a cat. Harry leaves. Sighs of relief from Joe and
Frank. Honestly, this kind of stuff gives crap a bad name.
Whose cat was this? Does Harry wonder how it got into the Factory? Why is it
the only cat in Weatherfield that makes a sound? Doesn't Harry think it will
set off the alarm after he's locked it in?

And Clare's boyfriend makes an appearance, to her chagrin and Ashley's
amusement. Clearly, she is getting fonder of her employer . Who'd have
thought it?

But enough for now, my Intercontinental chums. I return you to the safe
hands of the Tunnock Queen while I am off Underground Overground Wombling
Free.

John Dean

I know you were all expecting Glenda back again and I'm sorry to
disappoint you all but she's a bit tied up with the halls of academe
this week so you're stuck with me. It's been a while since I did one
of these, I hope it's ok. So without further ado and the Clash on the
stereo here's this week's update on what's been going on down those
hallowed cobbles.

After frollicking around the pool with Wally, Tracey decides to stay
the night, separate bedrooms of course, and the next morning is
lounging by the pool again when her mam rings. With the noiseof the
pool and Wally's voice in the background, Deirdre quickly figures out
where her wayward daughter is and calls Archie to help her track her
and Wally down. With a cry of 'brazen little hussy' a scuffle breaks
out and mother and daughter end up in the pool just as Mrs Bannister
arrives on the scene. It turns out the house isn't Wally's, he's the
gardener and he's just making himself at home while the owners are on
holiday in Zambia, which earns him a swift knee in the privates from
Tracey.

Wally's not the only gardener making an appearence this week. After
being warned about the state of his allotment by the committee, Jack
enlists Tyrone, Kirk and Fiz to tidy the place up a bit. While Fiz
supervises from a deck chair, our two hapless heroes are rather taken
with a young woman working the allotment next door and introduce
themselves. 'Kirk by name, Kirk by nature' doesn't seem to be in with
much of a chance but Maz seems to take a liking to Tyrone. She's a bit
like a female Spider but with a far prettier nose and she eats meat
too. Tyrone starts brushing up on mulches, ' I think it's some kind of
vegetable' and can't get enough of the allotment. Despite it pouring
with rain he's hanging about the shed keeping an eye out for Maz who
turns up with some nastertiums to attract the caterpillars away from
her cabbages. She's clearly far more into gardening than Tyrone but
accepts his invitation to breakfast at the cafe where she meets Jack
who offers her the use of his greenhouse for some of her more delicate
vegetables in exchange for some of her produce.

At the factory, the 'burglary' is discovered and pretty soon Dev's
cousin Naveen, who Joe and Steve ripped off last year, comes under
suspicion. Mike and Joe go to the Artrec office, which is of course
empty, and Mike's suspicions are further raised when a security guard
tells them that the place was rented by an Asian bloke. Dev defends
his cousin and points the finger at Joe and Harry tries vainly to
convince Mike that he reset the alarm. When will the penny finally
drop? With no material to work with the factory workers are laid off
until more can be found but word is getting around about the trouble
at Underworld and customers and creditors are starting to get worried.
It's all getting to Mike who doesn't seem to have the fight for it
anymore. Instead of looking forward to a relaxing retirement playing
golf he's looking at trying to rescue his business again.

David has overheard Sarah-Lou's plan to move to Oxford with Todd. He
isn't best pleased, I mean who would be, that would leave him at home
with only his mother and a rabbit for company. Todd's new mate sows
further seeds of doubt in Sarah-Lou's mind and so she decides that
she'd rather stay at home in Weatherfield and finishes with Todd.
While this might please Eileen, Todd's in bits and he figures that the
best way to ensure that he stays near the girl he loves is to doodle
on his exam paper and walk out. His proud mother has been busy all day
making him a special tea to celebrate the end of his first exam but
when she finds out what he's done, the trifle ends up on the kitchen
floor after the ungrateful oik tells her that he's felt pressurised
all his life to succeed for her and now he wants to do something for
himself. Sarah-Lou isn't best pleased about what he's done either, not
wanting him to throw his future away because of her but that doesn't
stop Eileen from blaming her for the situation.

After he showed up at Ashley's, Claire has had words with her
boyfriend Gary and she's clearly upset. Ashley sits her down on the
sofa and they have a heart to heart where Ashley tells her about his
past failures in love and that if someone makes you unhappy you
shouldn't stay with them. The next day, having dumped Gary despite him
buying her a 12 inch triple topping with anchovies, she turns up in
tears on Ashley's doorstep and in front of the street's biggest
gossip, Norris, he comforts her. Later on in the shop there's a
request on the radio for 'Unchained Melody' by Will Gates from Claire
to Ashley and that really sets the tongues wagging. Ashley confronts
his nanny later on who insists that she prefers the Robson and Jerome
version (has the woman no taste? what's wrong with the Jimmy Young
version?) and so it couldn't have been her that requested it.

Dev hasn't been put off by the knock-back from Sunita. He shaves his
beard off, sends her flowers and arranges a weekend for two in
Barcelona. What will it take for him to get it? She's not like one of
his other floozies, she can't be bought like that.

So much for the theory, it's now time for Roy to get into then
practice. Hayley arranges for him to go for a ride with an experienced
driver, Steve, and Roy turns up with a driving manual full of post-it
notes and tells Steve what he's doing wrong. Later Hayley takes him
for his first lesson but they get no further than the forecourt of the
garage as Roy bottles out and Hayley gets annoyed.

Elsewhere Emma's being a bitch about giving Curly access to the son
that he's brought up, only allowing him to see him for one hour a day,
arranged in advance.

Normal service may be resumed next week.

Bye

--
Barry Smith

Greetings and hello everyone, it's me again, back from doing one of life's SCARY THINGS. On the scary scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is say, getting a spider out of the bath and 10 is say, having to land an Easyjet flight into Heathrow because all the passengers have voted you person most likely to save them all, well let's say, just for the sake of argument, a mid-point 5 would be speaking in public. Well, I did a mid-point 5 and although it went well and I was congratulated, I'll not be in any hurry to do it again, well at least not this side of Christmas any road.   Many, many thanks to my ever-willing band of volunteers (I know they love it), Richard, John and Barry, for sitting in the update chair for the past four weeks. Special thanks to John for fitting in the updates around his recent freelance work for The Guardian. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

She came on to the street like a breath of fresh air. She was comedy, lightness and not stick-thin (I always like that).   Now, Eileen Grimshaw is as bitter and twisted as the bad perm she wears on her head. I dunno when she started to change, but I wish she'd soon change back. This week she's moaning and groaning at golden boy Todd who decides he's not going to study at Oxford, he's going to work to support Sarah and the baby. No-one's best pleased about this arrangement and Eileen throws Todd out on the street. Ken has a word with Todd and encourages him to resit his exams.

There's strange goings-on when an ad in The Gazette announces Ashley's engagement to nanny Claire. Fred assumes it's Claire up to no good, and advises her, I say he tells her to think on. Next thing you know there are posters in the street congratulating the happy pair on their engagement, with love from Maxine, kiss, kiss, kiss.. Both Ashley and Fred have a go at Claire, but poor thing it's not her fault although she takes it right badly. "I've brought nothing but trouble to your door" she says, and what a classic Coronation Street line that is. Usually said by a woman, usually in tears and usually wearing a nightie. With frills.   Anyway, turns out all the malice is caused by Claire's jealous (now ex-)boyfriend and Ashley goes round there, does the manly thing and tries to smash his face in, held back only by Kirk, Tyrone and Fred.

Dev tries his best to charm Sunita all week but she turns down his offer of a trip to Barcelona. Finally she relents and in her flat, in a sari, with Simperly Red on the stereo, champagne in the fridge, chicken jalfrezi pie in the oven and lurve in the air, the scene is set for seduction and primed for proposal. With his grandmother's antique wedding ring in his pocket, Dev gets down on one knee and as he's about to pop the question, you know, THE question, the door opens and in walks Ciaran: "Have oi come at a bad toime?". Arguments ensue and Sunita throws them both out, only for Ciarian to sneak back in later and although he was hoping to worm his way back into Sunita's charms, she makes him sleep on the sofa. He tells her he sent her a letter but she assumes that he's lying, that is until Dev comes clean and hands over the letter that he kept from her when it arrived at the shop. Sunita had already told Ciaran that he had no place in her life, she was going to marry Dev but after the letter business, Sunita storms out of the shop and into a sulk.

Meanwhile at the factory things are tense. Joe has the kind of face you just want to slap (and I hear this week from updater Barry who is chairing a conference in Portsmouth, that he looks much the same in real life, spotted as he was walking along the harbour with the actor who played Jez Quigley). Karen's ear rings continue to expand in direct proportion to the amount of stress she's under (so they're quite back at the moment) and she wanders around looking worried, hugging her clipboard to her chest, going: "But what about the girls?". Well, the girls aren't paid this week because there's no money and it's becoming clear to Karen that Joe's loyalties lie with himself, not her or her mates in the factory.

There's more marital disharmony for the Watts this week as Emma leaves baby Ben with anyone but Curly, whom she allows to see his son only with a fortnight's notice, in between three and three-ten in the afternoon and only if it's raining, or looks likely to. Poor Curly. Oh well, he should have known better than to marry a career woman, they never stick around on Coronation Street, it wouldn't be what it is if they did.

And that's just about that for this week. Once again, very many thanks to John Dean, Richard Whitbread and the lovely Barry Smith.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update which I write today from the back of the garden shed, trying to keep cool in the midst of high summer. I'm no good in summer, the heat makes me swell up in places I shouldn't. My ankles expand and I waddle, bloated and tired and my favourite nylon trousers keep riding up round the back. But anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

It doesn't take long for Ciaran to get the ladies swooning on the Street. Sunita's all a-flutter, Hayley has a moment and even Shelley's mum is not immune to Ciaran's Irish smiling eyes. Dev knows that if he wants Sunita he'll have to fight for her and so he pulls out all the stops, opens his wallet and orders a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her flat. Faced with losing the woman he loves and this is the best he can do? Well, then it serves him right that Ciaran intercepts the flowers, takes off the card from Dev and hands the flowers to Sunita himself. Ciaran 1, Dev 0, Sunita confused.

The girls are revolting at the factory when Joe starts sacking them, starting with Fiz and someone we haven't heard of who takes herself off the to the ladies for a good cry. Well, she's got seven kids to support, a feckless husband to feed and how's she going to manage now? Not that Joe cares, he's enjoying himself and laps it up when Mike demotes Karen from supervisor to machinist. Karen realises Joe only cares about himself, he's got no feelings towards her or her mates at Underworld. And in the Rovers later when Janice has a go at Karen, it's Steve who defends his missus - after he thinks she's walked out of the pub but really she's stood behind him and she hears every word. Karen then goes to Baldwin and spills everything, all about Artrec, the burglary, everything. Not too surprisingly, Mike knows already, he didn't work his way up from barra boy on the market to his flat on the quays without learning a thing or two, oh no. He knows and even though Karen repays Mike all the money they took from the Artrec account, Mike still isn't best pleased. He lays down her options; either she leaves Weatherfield at high noon or he'll call the police and she'll be looking at three years inside the cast of Bad Girls. I should mention that by this point Joe has already done a runner. Another cab, another gonner. And now it's Karen's turn to do the same (but let's hope not for too long, she and Steve McDonald were pure class together). As the cab wheels her away from the cobbles and Rita's advice to look after herself, a tear-stained Karen stares from the back of the taxi and the gossip at the factory is rife, as you'd imagine.

Wearing disappointment around her shoulders like a cheap pashmina from the market, Eileen still can't understand Todd's reasons for not going to Oxford. I can't understand either, I was close by there last weekend and a more pleasant place would be hard to find. Meanwhile, Todd gets a job as a hospital porter along with a few hours working for Dev in the shop. He's also now got a place to live when Peter Barlow lets him have the flat above the bookies for him, Sarah and Beth to move into. How will the Mother Grim take the news?

Insects inhabit Martin's flat and both him and Curly need to move out while the place is fumigated. Martin tries (but not very hard) to get accommodation at the nurse's home and then fails to ask Gail so oh, what joy, he jumps at the chance to move in at the Harris' when Tommy offers him a sofa to sleep on. "Help yourself to anything you fancy" says Tommy and Martin obliges by snogging (she's young enough to be your daughter for Gawd's sake) Katy on the sofa in the middle of the night. Is it just me or is this really creepy? Curly's going to the Duckies to stay on their sofa and Roy's worried that a cockroach (Roy to Hayley: "Let's call him Dave") has started to make his home at the café now too.

And finally this week, a pizza delivery boy turned up in the café, clearly not able to read his A-Z properly. Candice offers to show him the way, as it were, and rides pillion on his motorbike next to his bag full of hot and steamy pepperoni. "Is that skirt too short to ride pillion?" pizza boy asks Candice to which she replied: "I don't think this skirt is too short for anything, do you?". It's Suzie Birchall all over again.

And that's jst about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update, brought to you this week from the vegetable patch where I've been digging up potatoes, harvesting peas and beans and gorging on raspberries. All home-grown, all organic, all delicious. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

It was Curly's 40th birthday this week and it had me in tears. As everyone sang Happy Birthday in the Rovers, Emma told Curly she was moving out of his life, all the way to Newcastle. There was a bit of a Curly moment when he went through his old jobs and past loves, all of them distant memories, many of them regrets. Kevin, Tommy and Martin were quite surprised to hear he'd once bedded Maxine but it was when he talked about Emma, I shed a bit of a tear. "I thought she was the reason I was put on this earth" he said and then later to Emma he confesses that when he named the star for Raquel, he did it for the wrong woman, he should have done it for her. When the birthday cake arrives, it's iced with a photo of Curly from his bin-wagon days surrounded by 40 candles and the whiff of a wasted life. Desperate to keep his marriage and family together, he tells Emma he'll move to Newcastle with her. He says it's what he wants, but Emma clearly doesn't agree

Steve goes back to the flat to start clearing out Karen's stuff and comes across their wedding pictures stuffed in the back of a drawer. It's Steve's 29th birthday and Tracey Barlow offers herself up as a birthday treat for him but the next day she's given short shrift when Steve finds out the truth about why Karen left town. He goes to see Baldwin and pays back the eight thousand pounds that Mike reckons Karen owes him and then rides off into the sunset to look for his wife. Ooh, he's just like John Wayne in The Searchers - with Rosamund Street as the backdrop where the Sierra Nevada should be.

Martin has his hands full this week with Katy trying to cling onto him like only a 16-year-old with raging hormones can do. Now then, Martin's what? 57? 28? He's somewhere in between those at least and he should know better but, as he confides to Curly, he's smitten with this young girl - although he tells Curly it's a nurse at work. And Katy tells Sarah about the older man she's got a crush on, calling him Mark. So Martin's trying to end it but sends Katy mixed messages; when he tells her he wants to put a stop to things, he pulls her close and gets breathless although she could just have trod on his toes. Who knows where this relationship will go? One thing's for sure, when Tommy finds out, there'll be trouble.

Tyrone gets a date with gardener Maz and goes out all to impress but as usual, gets it wrong. Fiz helps Tyrone with his clothes for the date and gets him clothes that suggest intrigue, travel and Top Shop. Tyrone also gets help from Roy, who lets him read his National Geographics so he can impress Maz will his travel knowledge. Tyrone changes back into his own clothes before the date and does his best to act natural, while failing completely. Meanwhile Maz continues to grow things up at the allotment and Tyrone continues to feign interest.

Todd moves into the flat above the bookies and Eileen goes spare when she finds out he's sold his laptop to pay for the deposit. Mind you, she doesn't feel half as betrayed and cheated as Todd does later when Sarah tells him she's not moving in there with him. Over a chat with Martin, Sarah tells him her concerns about moving in there with Bethany, the place is not right to bring up a small child in. Todd drowns his sorrows with a miniature bottle of brandy which he then throws, as dramatically as one can throw an empty miniature bottle of brandy, at one of the flat walls that are closing in around him.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda