Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. I'm taking a break from the updates for the next few weeks and leave you in the capable, creative hands of John Dean, Janet Waterhouse and K Richard Whitbread. No, I have no idea either what the K stands for but I'm sure it's something fabulous.  So I'll see you all again at the end of the month.  If you're reading this update on www.corrie.net and you want to receive the weekly updates while I'm away (as I'll not be updating the corrie.net web page until much later this month) you can sign up to receive weekly updates via email - see www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk for easy to follow instructions, if you're interested.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

After last week's attack of the aspirins at the Croppers, Hayley stands by Roy when he says he wants Tracy's baby to bring up as their own.  And when they put this to Tracy-ker-ching!-Barlow she demands twenty thousand pounds for the baby; a lump sum, paid up front by 3pm or she's off to the clinic to have the abortion.  Desperately pulling all their savings together and raiding the piggy bank, the Croppers hand Tracy all that they have and just in the nick of time. It's just under five thousand quid with the rest due on delivery.  But after the money's handed over, Tracy flits to the Caribbean (what else did they expect? 2ply knitted booties and Laura Ashley smocks?) and leaves the Croppers sad and confused.

Sarah gets a visit from the social worker to ensure that Bethany's not being neglected in the flat. Sarah and Todd are broke with no cash so Roy agrees to Sarah working full time at the caff.  This means, of course, Sarah can't stay on at school and do her A levels. I know Gail means well when she tells Sarah she'll live to regret it but when you're 16, does anyone, ever, listen to their parents?  Gail confesses to Audrey that it was she who called the social services and then does it again when she's feeling particularly lonely, bitter and twisted.  Most women, it is said, eventually turn into their own mothers. Not this one. Gail has turned into Ivy. It'll be big lips and a P45 next. 

As Martin and Katy continue their relationship in secret, an interesting parallel has reared its ugly head.  Candice (the same age as Katy) is having trouble fending off unwelcome advances from her mum's boyfriend (the same age as Martin).   Audrey and Maria notice that Candice seems more sullen and sulky in the salon than usual but Candice keeps things to herself for now.  

Audrey's having trouble getting the rent paid from Maria and Fiz in the salon flat.  To help ease their cash-flow rent problems, Maria asks Claire if she wants to share with them. I do hope so, she's great that Claire one.

Now then. I'm not such a soft touch that I cry my eyes out every time I sit down to watch the telly. In fact, there's little on telly these days that I make time to sit down and watch, never mind become engaged with.  But with Coronation Street it's different and this week, as with last's, I was in tears watching my favourite show.  Well, Curly left didn't he? I mean, after 20 years, Curly left.  He had his doubts and expressed them loudly, in the Rovers, to Emma, to anyone who'd listen. He refused to leave the empty house until Jack and then Ashley had a quiet word with him, making him realise his priorities are his baby and his wife.  Even if she is a lying copper.  "Haway the lads" says Norris - in a weak accent with a tray of strong tea that he brings into the Watts' house as they're packing to leave.   At a surprise farewell party in the Rovers, Curly tells Jack and Vera they've been like parents to him and calls Emily his very special friend.  (I was in bits at this point).   And eventually, finally, Curly takes one last look around his house then gets into the car with Emma and they drive off the cobbles away up to Tyneside. Maybe they'll meet up with the Corrie-Geordie mafia and see Natalie, Des and Vinny again, who knows.  "We'll miss you, Curly lad" says Jack.  We will indeed.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Rejoice! No need to mention the storyline that dare not speak its name as the Tracyraptor has departed for the Carribe. Caribbe . West Indies.

Everyone is being nostalgic about what a great bloke Curly was. Twenty years in Weatherfield and nobody ever went up to him and said 'You're a great
bloke, Norman'. Now he's gone and they love him to bits. Except Norris, who's too worried about Monty. But hark! Enter Monty. Wearing a medallion marked 'Phoebe'. So either the Mog has become a Friends fan or there's a new storyline emerging . Norris rings the phone number on the disk and discovers that Monty / Phoebe is associated with Mrs Parry, one of the Kabin's customers. She comes round to claim that the cat was always Phoebe and always hers. Norris tells her he's not intimidated by the fact that Mr Parry takes Martial Arts Monthly. Mrs Parry breaks it to him that there is no longer a Mr Parry, that she is the one who takes Martial Arts Monthly and she wants her cat back. When Norris refuses she clouts him and gives him a dazzling display of Ecky Thump (ancient Lancastrian martial discipline) and Norris ends up in a heap while Phoebe and Mrs Parry disappear into the
sunset.

Mick is trying to persuade Janice not to leave him. (Why? No, I dunno either) But if you teach a Bible Class and you want a handy illustration of 'falling on stony ground', help yourself to a clip of Janice's face. Janice has decided that she was becoming something she didn't want to be through
her association with Mick. "I didn't recognise meself in fancy clothes" What? WHAT!?!

A Social Worker turns up to 'assess' Sarah and Todd. And Sarah realises herown Mother has grassed her up to the Social. Sarah tells Gail she wants
nothing more to do with her.

A debt collector turns up to harass Eileen with some success. A keen philosophy student and linguist, he intercepts Eileen's explanation of her reason for non-payment with " 'Ave you read Sartre, Mrs Grimshaw? The Age of Reason? If you 'ad, you'd 'ave an insight into the soul. 385 quid by Friday. Au revoir  - me and the girlfriend 'ave got a villa in Monte Carlo and I like to keep up with the language."

Candice turns up late for work with a sob story about her Mum's boyfriend harassing her. Audrey thinks she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards (do you look different if you've been dragged through a hedge forwards? Sideways?) but is conned into letting Candice stay the night at the salon. BTW, the hedge-dragging doesn't seem to have dislodged Candice's push-up bra. If she ever turns up with bruising on her chin, the Police would be advised to issue a warrant for Monsieur Wonderbra rather than Mum's boyfriend. But wait! Here he is - Creepy Gerry the Perv of Weatherfield. Luckily Audrey spots what's going on and installs Candice in the flat with Fizz and Maria. Which is unfortunate for Ashley's Nanny (who has made such an impression on me that I can't remember her name) who thought she was going to get the spare bedroom.

And here's Nick - back from Canada. He has developed a funny habit of punctuating his speech in odd places and emphasising unlikely words. He's also developed a strange accent LIKE Noel. Coward in. The film 'This Happy Breed. 'Veddy flat. Saskatchewan' Sarah brings him up to speed with Gail - 'If Richard hadn't been a psycho she'd 'ave driven 'im mad' And Maria is moved to observe 'Me an im ur ishtree' which means, I think,
her and Nick as an item are in the past. But Nick waylays her. 'A talk, Maria, I think. That's the least you. Owe me'. He's heard about the abortion
and wants to know 'Was it. Mine?' Maria is clearly touched that he has hotfooted it over to check if she is OK. Then Gail tries to jinx his job interview in London so her little Nicky can stay with her  and he is so upset he narrows his eyes. 'We have our own. Lives and IF you try to. Interfere we will cut you out. OF them. And I'm not NICKY!'

Eileen discovers that it was Tony that cocked up the wiring in the Flat over the Bookies. She throws him out. Shelley discovers it was Tony and tells Pet
er. Peter throws Todd and Sarah and Bethany out. When she finds out, Shelley is close to throwing Peter out. Peter relents and throws Sarah, Todd and Beth back in. Jack and Vera pay a visit to the allotment and find Maz and her hippie mates getting stoned. They end up tasting the Brownies laced with cannabis and generally having a good time, Vera singing her Carmen Miranda songs and Jack watching cabbages move around.  Vera changes her mind about Maz and decides he is a very nice person, entirely suitable for young Tyrone.

On his way to pastures new, Tony comes to the Cab Office to say goodbye to Eileen and takes the chance to lift the day's takings (700 quid - yes, I
thought they only had one driver, too) and Dev calls the Cops who arrest Eileen and put her in a cell overnight. Jason tracks down Tony and gets the money back. He decides he and his Dad should go back to the old arrangement - Birthday cards with the wrong age on one week late every other
year.

John Dean

After an enjoyable long weekend away, I return from Ireland with a Guinness in my left hand, a platter of Dublin Bay prawns in my right (far better for
me than the package of Tunnocks Glenda usually leaves around here) and a song in my heart.  Even the horrible B&B landlord in Holyhead, North Wales as we checked into Fawlty Towers the night before the early morning ferry is not enough to wipe the smile from my face (email me and I'll tell you where NOT to stay).  Stay tuned as I happily record the comings and goings on the Street during the week of 10 - 15 September, 2003.

Poor Eileen - the police have been downright nasty to her, treating her as if she's some kind of criminal and Dev's no better.  Though Jason has
returned the money, Dev won't have her released without someone else to blame and refuses to make the phone call to free the Weatherfield One (Mark II) unless Jason gives the name of her replacement.  Steve puts in a half-hearted plea, no doubt having realised that Dev is the male version of
Karen when it comes to compromise.  Eventually Jason is forced to reveal his dad stole the money and Steve places a call to the police station.  He and Jason go to meet her, but she gives both of them a piece of her mind, refuses the taxi ride home and, finding Jason came without bus fare for the
two of them, tells him they'll just have to start walking.

Not the least bit content with a mangy posy no doubt immediately plonked back into its bucket outside the Corner Shop, Eileen won't even consider an
apology from the prostrate hair-shirt clad carcasses of Dev and Steve.  No, she's that upset about the night spent in the nick, she doesn't care from
whence the next plate of beans on toast will appear.  And, who can blame her - she's put up, covered up and ... well, put up in the B&B kind of way with the Streetcar owners for far too long to be treated like this.  Plus, whilst she was temporarily inconvenienced by the Bill, she wasn't able to work the extra hours to pay off the loan shark who has now sold the debt on to a Neanderthal.  With his equally thuggish sidekicks, he showed he meant business by adding extra finance charges for their "trouble" as well as confiscating the sofa and telly.  Not to worry though - they were Steve's so
she's not all that inconvenienced though I am waiting for the moment when the lovely Mrs. Madonald as-was and to-be finds out!  Jason shows evidence of a potential career in diplomatic circles by eventually convincing both mother and her former bosses to start again.  Faced with the prospect of pinching the meals Norris keeps leaving out for Monty, she eventually gives in and agrees to return.

Of course, behind all of this vengefulness, Dev is as mad as a bucket of frogs by Sunita and Ciaran flaunting their lurve.  He's not happy when he
finds the empty pizza box and wine bottle in the back of the shop, but becomes incandescent with rage when a check on the till roll reveals that the shop was shut at 7:30.  He hops down the street (not literally, it's just to explain the frog metaphor) to ban Ciaran from the shop ("What ...
all seven of them?" Ciaran mocks).  It's just as well they don't appear to have left any evidence that they've "christened" the shop.

Now if Gail were my mother (what a thought - quick I need another drink!), I wouldn't be as swift to forgive her as Nick.  In fact, if she cancelled my
job interview and lied about my sister to the Social just because she wanted her children in the house, I'd be out of there so fast she wouldn't see mefor dust.  But then again, I like to think I have brains, which seem to be sadly missing in the Platt/Tilsley residence now that David has disappeared to Borstal or some such place as it's been that long since we've seen him. Gail still doesn't appreciate that what she's done is terribly, terribly wrong, though I do live in hope that the Social will charge her for being a public nuisance.  However, fate intervenes.  Martin tells Gail that Neil Fearns, sperm donor, has been killed in a traffic accident and wonders whether it would be appropriate to tell Sarah that her daughter's dad is deaded.  Just the excuse Gail needed to weasel her way back.  Sarah is shaken but not stirred because apart from that one brief moment, he's never been part of either Sarah's or Bethany's life.  Martin later has a word and says she should go to the funeral, if only to tell Beth that she said goodbye to her father.

Ick.  I'd forgotten about the whole Katy/Martin thing and her confessing in the hospital cafeteria that she wanted to snog his face off.  Double ick and another drink to calm my shattered nerves.  Claire the nanny has picked up that Tyrone is more interested in Maz than Katy and, after confessing the
truth to Kev, he is convinced by the latter to stop the pretence.  Katy thinks revealing the name of her lover will persuade him not to and she
drops the bombshell in the Rovers where she's gone for an orange juice with her mum, who's got a new shorter, darker hair do.  Strangely enough, the bar staff who normally pick up this type of good stuff at 40 paces miss the announcement.  Tyrone is later surprised to hear that Kev also knows, whilst Katy admits to her mother that her relationship with Tyrone is over.  Angie says she thought Tyrone was too old for her ... I can hardly wait to see her
reaction when she finds out the truth!

Now, I'm not best pleased about the whole Maz / cannabis storyline, particularly as she provides Vera with the brownie recipe and a package of
the magical herbs.  Vera donates a batch to the church committee meeting in Roy's Rolls, thus leading to Norris wondering about the souls of cats, Rita professing her undying love for Norris and Emily confessing that she had often wondered about what her old swain, the Reverend Something or Other
(the one who jilted her when he found out she'd been having some emotional problems) looked like under his cassock.  Ooh-er, Aunty Em!

The next day, Norris and Emily are in the Rovers discussing the church meeting.  Norris Poirot has it all sussed - the Reverend (the current vicar
not the one whom Emily hasn't seen under his cassock, though perhaps it could swell the coffers if they offered the Hunky Monks "dance" team after
sacrament) didn't eat brownies and he was fine.  The rest of them ate brownies and were not.  Hence, there was something in the brownies.  Emily
tells him not to be silly, but she should pay attention.  After all, he was right about Richard Hillman.  Norris asks Vera what was in them as he had
been acting very strangely, but Vera sniffs that she's never known him to do anything but!  She fetches the herbs, which none of them can identify, so they call upon chef Ciaran who identifies it as cannabis.  Vera just says No to Drugs and calls the police, afraid that she will be arrested as a drug pusher.

At the allotment, Bernie Allbright, Chief Allotment Person, spies Tyrone heading off to see Maz, garden implement in hand (no doubt for her hair). He accosts him, letting him know in no uncertain terms that he hasn't seen Jack lately and he'll be turfed out if he's sublet to anyone else.  You can
see what's coming at 20 paces, can't you?

The Roy/Hayley/Tracey triangle also gives me the creeps, though my hope is that Wrinkly Wally turns out to be the dad.  After investing in the annual
report on the local school, he begins to doubt whether Tracy has kept to her part of the bargain.  Upon her return, the Croppers rush over, getting her
out of the bath.  Clad only in a towel, she retorts that she used the money to go on holiday, and did they want to see her white bits?  Ick, though I
must admit I did like her hair.  When they next see her in the Rovers, Tracey invites them along to her scan and Roy readily accepts.

As Shelley tries to convince her husband that the time is right to start trying for a wee one of their one (a month after the wedding?), Peter hasn't been able to get in touch with Lucy.  No wonder, as he stakes out the florist shop (she must be independently wealthy not to keep it open) to find her returning with Dan, her ex-boyfriend.  Taken aback at first, he later returns to have it out with Lucy demanding more time with Simon and just
what exactly do she and Dan get up to?  He confides in Ciaran that he'll take it as far as he has to - to court if necessary!  Ciaran thinks he
should look at it as a blessing in disguise, but Peter is not about to ship his progeny off to Scotland like his dad did.  He sorts things out with
Lucy, who confides to a gal pal that Dan hasn't made it through the bedroom door and that maybe she should give Peter another chance.  However, Peter is horrified at the suggestion and tells her that he's not good enough for her and let's leave it until Simon gets married to get back together.  Humph. Most men I know have problems deciding what they're going to do next Tuesday, let alone plan for thirty years in the future ... whoops, this is Corrie where everyone marries young.  Let's make it 16 years in the future! Lucy decides that Peter is probably just scared and she's the one to
convince him it's the right thing to do.  To demonstrate her good intentions, this time she'll go round to him.

As he's not in the bookies, she asks a convenient stranger (Jack Duckworth) if he knows where Peter might be (might have been easier to ask Sally whom I presume is minding the shop, being the only other employee and all).  She suggests she ask his wife.  Lucy is stunned.  Wife?  Yes, her that manages the Rovers.  In a state of shock, Lucy enters and asks for Shelley.  By this time, Tracey has dressed and come into the Rovers, to be immediately ordered to Sit, Stay, Roll Over and Speak by Lucy.  Yes, it's true she finally confesses - he married both of you.  Both Shelley and Lucy approach the bar from different directions and Shelley is reminded that Lucy did the flowers for her sister's funeral.  I would have thought that being so far away, she would have phoned it in, but I guess she gives good rates.   Shelley tells her they were lovely and can't think why they didn't use Lucy for the wedding!  She then asks Tracey if she'd like to see the photographs that she has been arranging in the back.  Lucy immediately pipes up that she would, but upon seeing the proof with her own eyes, feels faint and rushes off. Only to return, ask Shelley for another look and produces her own wedding album where the smiling face of the groom is utterly familiar to Shel.  As both brides stand there with sick feelings in their respective tummies, Ciaran suggests they go to the back as both he and Tracey try to contact Peter to no avail.  I'm reminded of the saying that a man who marries his mistress creates a job opening, so this suggests that Peter has created two of them! Shelley doesn't believe it at first - the pictures could have been taken
anywhere.  But upon hearing that the date for the wedding was the same as her sister's funeral where Peter rushed off, it slowly begins to dawn on her
that it's all starting to make sense.  Lucy explains that she threw Peter out after two days when she found out he was still seeing Shelley.  Her anguish increases when she finds out that Peter has a son and has been seeing him regularly.  Poor Shelley struggles to ask whether Lucy and Peter had been behaving as man and wife, but whilst Lucy admits there have been no marital relations, she is the first (well, technically she's the second) and legal wife and Shelley's wedding was just a big fancy-dress party. Unawares of the emotional scene inside, Peter saunters into the Rovers through the rear door and stops short when he realises that the two Mrs. Barlowe's stand before him.  Shelley tearfully asks if it's true Lucy is his wife and he replies that he supposes so?  He supposes so???  Since his re-appearance in the street, he has turned into the UK's (and points abroad) most hated man since ... well, since Alan Bradley terrorised Rita Fairclough (as was).  But of course, none of this was Peter's fault.  He was going to tell her, then her sister thoughtlessly timed her death so he couldn't upset Shelley even more.  Then since he and Lucy had separated, he'd just get a divorce then Shelley woul  never know.  Well, maybe not until young Simon came knocking on the door.  However, the law inconsiderately forces a waiting period, and he knew Shelley didn't want to wait that long. Lucy, of course, isn't helping matters along by pointing out that it's never Peter's fault, always someone else's and that though she expects him to pay for Simon, she'll never see either of them again.  And to make matters even worse, she emphasises on her way out that Shelley was second choice! Shelley is so full of hurt and confusion.  She can't understand why Peter hadn't told her once she had recovered from Sharon's death, and even pleaded with her to marry him, all the while knowing he wasn't legally free.  Peter tried to put all the blame on Lucy, but Our Shel is having none of it.  "Get out!" she screams.  He does and sits crestfallen in his car as Lucy sheds tears putting baby Simon to bed and Shelley collapses on the sofa weeping uncontrollably. Absolute cracking acting, particularly from Sally Lindsay, and the type of scene Corrie does best.  I was sobbing myself all the way through.

Next week's episodes will be brought to you courtesy of K. Richard Whitbread.  I've left a couple of tins of Guinness for you in the fridge by the back door, the prawns are all gone, but I only had one Tunnock to keep my strength up from al the tears. 

Janet Waterhouse

Running late - this was originally planned for Thursday evening but my wife won tickets for a play in Woking so we went out for the evening, so
my apologies to all Corrie fans for the holdup.

Vera has dobbed in the drugs in the greenhouse down the allotment and after a visit from a policewoman Jack is charged.  Tyrone seeks to track
down the wonderful Maz and she attempts to give Tyrone the old flim- flam.  Sadly our simply minded hero is initially taken in.  However on
later reflection he goes looking for Maz again, only to find her about to set off in a hippy bus and this time she simply makes a run for it. Jack and Tyrone have to face facts and the former gets convicted and a fine which Tyrone pays.  Jack and Tyrone are still left wondering who told the rozzers were to find the drugs (but we know don't we?)

Monday evening's double episode was dominated by Martin and Katy deciding to tell the Harris or Nelson family (or whatever they are
called this week) about their love for each other.  Now I have a teenage daughter, two who were teenagers and one who will be in a month or so.
The way Tommy re-acted, eventually hitting Martin and then grounding Katy and preventing her leaving the house by force - even to go to
school - and she was 17 later in the week - is impossible to believe in this day and age.  Our eldest left home at 12 when she was grounded -
and Katy was stupid to let go of her keys.  And alongside that Martin was even more wooden than usual - even when called a kiddy fiddler by Tommy - which just is not true - in the middle of the Street.

Tracy had an ultrascan - but only after ensuring that the nurse did not reveal conception date - keeping Roy in the dark as he has accompanied
her to the hospital.  Now there is some good news in this storyline - when Roy is not thinking about Tracy he is trying to woo Hayley and we see a return of the wonderful Roy from the days of the courtship - superbly mixed in with the underlying depressing story.  And Hayley is
responding.  Anyway Tracy charges Roy £50 for the picture from the scan. Roy still has grave doubts about Tracy and consults a solicitor who says that basically Roy and Hayley have no means of legally enforcing their will on Tracy and are dependent on her "good" nature.  Later the
solicitor pops into Roys Rolls.  She does have one suggestion - perhaps Roy and Tracy could get married - then he would have some legal rights.
On the way out she trips over Dev who is instantly smitten (did I mention that the solicitor is female, attractive and whilst undeniably British her forebears may have been borne elsewhere?).

Nick is being, well Nick.  He spent some time shopping, then cut up his credit cards.  Candice meanwhile is being Candice and has therefore decided the next notch on her bedpost will be Nick, despite the fact that she is living in the same flat as Maria.  Some people have no consideration!  And Mike decides to recruit a trainee assistant manager. You can expect applications from the unemployed in the area - including Nick and Dreary.

And why was Mike advertising?  Well you may recall that Harry Flagg rescued Preston King a few weeks ago.  Preston is back and insists on cutting the deal with Mike's right hand man Harry.  They go out to dinner, without Mike, and Harry gets a great deal at a good price having been forced to turn off the mobile which he was supposed to use to contact Mike.  Mike is having kittens but is impressed by Harry's achievement and offers him a job - Harry turns him down preferring the less pressured life in the toilets!

Neil Fearns having died, Sarah decides to take Bethany to his funeral - and she stands back from the family party.  As the family leave Neil's mother spies her grand-daughter and she and Sarah go for a coffee. Sadly the older Mr Fearns has left his wife and Neil was her only son so she is now very lonely.  Later in the week we see her visit the flat several times to bring things for Bethany - a very lonely woman who only has one thing to live for; Todd is far from welcoming, perhaps he is struggling with his sexuality - although I can see no sign of it.

There was a strange exchange between Fiz and Kirk.  He told Fiz that he hears voices in his head and what do her voices sound like - which of them is going mad do you think?

And of course the main story this week was the continuation of Peter / Shelley / Lucy triangle.  The girls reported him to the police who took
him in for questioning and told him that a custodial sentence was likely for a bigamist and whilst they complete their investigations he was
released on bail.  He tries to see Shelley but has little luck.  Shelley and Lucy decide to maximise Peter's embarrassment.  On Monday they arrange a happy hour at the Rovers - and Ken and Dreary return from their visit away just in time to participate.  Shelley makes an announcement - and introduces the real Mrs Barlow and baby Simon.  Cue surprise all round.

Later Shelley feels bad about Ken and Deirdre, but Lucy talks her round and they exact further revenge.  Lucy arranges a nice display of "BIGAMIST" on the bookies windows - they are yellow to match the colour of his tummy.  There is an advert in the local paper about an untrustworthy local bookie.  Shelley is not entirely sure about all of this and Peter tells Ciaran that he wants Shelley and Simon, but not Lucy.

And comedy is provided by the ongoing divorce between Karen and Steve. Karen is made aware of the dangers of lying to court (perjury) if it is not a real divorce so she tells everyone that Steve has been playing away again.  Eileen smacks him really hard for being such "bad" boy and he is forced to move back into the flat over the taxi office.  Every so often Karen and Steve drag each other to bed in private whilst fighting in public.

Which means that I vacate this seat in favour of 'r' Glenda who will be back next week.  BTW Glenda did ask if I wanted my photo on the update website - which I declined but she should have put up a picture of my loyal assistant Oscar who is currently snoozing on the floor just behind me.  And I did not manage a single Tunnock (what they ed?).
 
K Richard Whitbread