Greetings and welcome to another weekly update with a special hello to any Middlesbrough fans reading this after winning the Carling Cup on Sunday. Well done the Boro, ee-ii-oo.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

"There's a lot goes on behind them glasses." says Vera to Bev.  And while it's true that Deirdre's specs might hide the wrinkles of life's disappointments, Bev thinks there's more going on.  She spies Charlie giving Deirdre a bunch of flowers and a lift in his van, puts two and two together and ends up telling Ken that Deirdre's having it off with the builder.  What's really happened is Charlie's been awarded the council contract for the windows at Bessie Street School, reckons it's all down to Deirdre putting in a good word for him and shows her how much he appreciates what she's done. Bev doesn't see it that way and after too many drinks in the back room at the Rovers, she slurs her way to the Barlow's and slumps on the sofa telling Ken that Dierdresshavannanafurrr.  Ken and Deirdre have a chat, a familiar one to both of them, and this time it's Deirdre who denies she's playing away from home. When Bev's sober she's embarrassed and tries to make amends when she finds out the truth, but both Charlie and Deirdre give her short shrift. 

There's battles at the Platt's as Maria and Gail go head to head in the kitchen and around the ironing board.  Maria wants to iron and cook for Nick, Gail doesn't want her to.  Gail doesn't want Maria in her house but far be it from her to say that about her son's girlfriend when she can act the mother martyr instead and by 'eck she does it well.   Nick applies for a more highly paid job but doesn't yet know it's in Penny King's factory, and Penny has asked Mike to help with the interviews.

Maya begs Dev not to end things with her, promises him a life-time of unpredictability and excitement, and then he proposes to the nutter he says he wants to spend his life with.  In the corner shop Sunita's acting like she doesn't care, not at all, no, not her, oh no, not Sunita, not one bit, she's not in the least bit bothered that Dev's got engaged to mad Maya.

Todd decides he wants to adopt Bethany and is disappointed to discover  there's a minimum age of 21.  Still playing happy families, he's avoiding Karl at work, afraid he'll have to face up to his sexuality if he even talks to the bloke.  Which is what he has to do - both talk to him (this week) and face up to his sexuality (eventually).  At the hospital Karl and Todd get into the lift together, Karl in one corner and Todd in the other. When the lift breaks down and they're stuck in the shaft,  Todd tells Karl about his confusion of feelings and about kissing Nick.  As an aside, there was an excellent article in The Guardian this week: 'Corrie Comes Out of the Closet'. If you haven't already read it, click here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv_and_radio/story/0,3604,1159045,00.html

Offering a car, flat, holidays abroad and a decent nanny salary, Mrs Stamford is determined to take Claire away from the street but Claire is determined to stay.  Ashley wants what's right for Claire and knows that to keep her on the cobbles would be the wrong thing to do.  With passport in hand, suitcases packed and an angry Mrs S waiting in her posh car outside the Elliot's, Claire's in tears and doesn't want to leave.  Ashley runs away to the butcher shop to carve up a carcass while Fred runs between them both trying to get them together.  Which of course is what happens.  There's no  fireworks and excitement as they snog by the meat counter, just a slow-burning passion finally sealed with a kiss.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

By Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.  I've not seen all the Corries this week so I might have to read my own update to find out what's happened.  With apologies for missing out an episode this week, I'll fill in the gaps by making stuff up.  I usually do.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Fred tells Ashley that now he's won Claire he needs to mek a grand gesture, I say, show her how he feels and the two of them go out on a date. But it's when Claire mentions Maxine's name that Ashley's face clouds over and he feels he's being disloyal to her memory.   From then on, it's pretty much plain sailing and they all play happy families in a soapy sort of style. 

Fred's hoping to happy up the family even more when he proposes to Penny, I say, he asks her to marry him, I say he pledges his troth, I say, get on with th'update afore I throttle thee.  She needs time to think, which is the standard response to an Elliot proposal and one he should be used to. While he sweats it out, Penny gets sweaty with Mike after a kiss leads to dressing gowns over coffee the next morning in his flat at the quays.  Mike makes it clear he's not looking for commitment so what's Mrs King to do * will it be faithful Fred or monkeying around with Mike?

Now then, the trouble with missing an episode as I did this week is that I still don't know why Karen McDonald has come back from honeymoon with hair extensions the length of Rosamund Street.  But the honeymoon's clearly over when Tracy starts making demands on Steve to take responsibility for baby Amy.   And Karen's like "talk to the hand 'cos the face can't hear you through all this hair".

Nick has his interview at Penny King's factory and Mike's on the interview panel.  There's surprise all round but Mike realises he doesn't want to lose Nick and offers him a pay rise and more responsibility.  All this power goes to Nick's head.  He tells the girls they can't take breaks for smoking so Janice has a quick one in the stock cupboard instead.  Harry locks her in, she throws the ciggie on the floor and the place bursts into flames.  Pants on fire!  Ner-ner-ner-ner, firemen, flames, smoke inhalation, Nick rushes back to save his ex-mother in law and becomes a hero in a hospital bed while Gail simpers at his bedside.   Nick and Maria have split up due to Gail's interfering although Audrey sees Maria's point of view and sneaks her into t'hospital where she weeps all over him.    As Mike arrives to see his factory up in flames, he ponders if it's worth starting all over again.

Sally sells her tickets for Rosie's role in the school production of Grease and warms to Ken when he tells her he's writing a review for the Gazette.  Kev has a word with his missus about being a pushy mum and tells her not to live her life through her daughter. And if you haven't seen this scene yet, when you watch it - just look how mucky Sal and Kev's kitchen is.

And that's just about that for this week, more or less.

Glenda

Here I go again with another weekly update, all freshly decorated with a new coat of paint. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Wedding bells might be a distant memory for the McDonalds but the thud of wedding bills hitting the carpet as they shoot through the letter box cause ear-ache for Karen and Steve.  Up to their necks in debt the last thing they need is Tracy Barlow coming round demanding fifty quid a week for bibs and bits and bobs for the baby.  Karen's beside herself with anger. It seems every time her back's turned, Tracy's in conversation with Steve, which is exactly how Tracy's planned it.  So by the time Karen catches Tracy in the flat with Steve holding the baby, she's spitting feathers and throws Tracy out and a dirty nappy at Steve.  Karen wants Steve to stand up to Tracy, to tell her he dunt want nowt to do with the baby.  Liz, on t'other hand, knows that Tracy could be her ally in splitting up Steve and Karen. Tracy knows this too and the pair of them cackle and plot the McDownfall of the year. When Liz tells Tracy the tragic tale of baby Kateh, Tracy offers to have Amy's middle name as Katherine at the christening later this week.   Meanwhile, the Croppers are crestfallen after a solicitor tells them they have no legal claim to Amy, but fear not, they have a plan. Roy tells Tracy he wants the marriage annulled asap and Tracy says fyi so does she, ps: soon. He also tells her in exchange for letting them look after Amy on ocassion he'll forego the monthly payment on the money that she owes them.  Ker-ching.  Left without a babysitter, she's straight round to the cafe asking the Croppers to look after baby Amy, which they do with much pleasure, a story on prehistoric evolution and too-high hopes for the future.

Janice is released from hospital with a broken ankle and no job. In fact, none of the factory girls have a job any longer, especially not that blonde one, what's his name - Nick.  Mike's unsure if he'll reopen the factory and in the meantime sends his girls to use the machines at Penny King's place, which lasts all of three and a half hours before they're boozing in the Rovers again.  Les helps Janice out a bit in her flat, egged on by Fiz who knows the real reason for Cilla's disappearance these last few episodes.  She's convinced, through experience, her mum has shacked up with another fella but Les keeps the home fires burning and lager in the fridge for his woman's return.

Teddy-bear china cup in one hand, Maria in the other, Nick tells Gail he's a grown man! and he's leaving!  Oh yes, her chin wobbled, the eyes shook and all hell broke loose.  Hasn't Gail forgotten how she alienated Sarah not so long ago and now she's doing the same thing to Nick? Poor David's at his wits end being left alone in the house with his mother.  Even Audrey can see Gail's got a problem.  Anyway, Nick and Maria move into the flat above Streetcars while Gail gives him one of those "don't come running back to me when she's had enough of you" speeches.  

Fred's all done up in a smart black suit and a glorious pink silk tie as he asks the fair maiden Penny King if she has an answer to his question yet, I say, his proposal.  She stalls and says she needs even more time to think.

And finally this week, it was Rozi (sic) Webster's big chance to shine but things looked rather dodgy when she came home (sick) from school.  Sally's convinced it's stage fright, She won't hear of her daughter missing her big moment in the School play and forces her into warm up  vocal exercises in the front room by the sofa which forces Rosie to run away.  She runs as far as the garage and a chat with her dad who tells her Sally just wants the best for her girls.  With the play starting at 7.30, Sally bundles the girls into the back of Kev's car at 6pm to get there early for a front row seat.  With Rita in the passenger seat, Kev drives them all off and there's a nervous tic in Sally's eye.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Glenda is on holiday. This week's update written by John Dean.

As Steve struggles with the bills from his nuptials the Websters share opinions on 'Grease'. Sophie thought it was boring and Kev thought it was a
'bit of fun'. You remember Rose Senior in 'Gypsy' who thought Theatre was a matter of life and death? Well, Sally thinks it's more important than that. So when she sees Ken's lukewarm review with a misprint identifying Rizzo as played by Dozy Webster she's not best pleased. Though describing Ken to his face as a 'washed-up schoolteacher writing for the local rag' isn't the most tactful way to ask for it to be put right. When Ken arranges for a
correction lightning strikes twice it and comes out as 'Rizzo played by Rosy Wobster' rendering Sally apoplectic. "Never mind" says Sal, 'Annie's next." "Who's Annie?" Kev wants to know. Meantime they discover that the Harris's son is going to come out tomorrow and take their little girl to the cast party. It's a hard-knock life when you're a Wobster.

Meanwhile, in his other role as Dear Abby / Dear Dr Ruth / Dear Dr Miriam to the masses, Ken is suggesting Roy and Haley (Da Croppas!) as Godparents to Tracy's baby. He suggests it would be a catharsis prompting Blanche to moan 'He's off again' sounding just like Blue Cow (everyone *knows* an actor can' t sound like a cartoon, but we know better, don't we?). Perhaps she thought Ken said "cats' arses." The unfit Mother is opposed at first but is won round by the thought of all that free babysitting. And anyway, who else can she ask, having alienated most of Weatherfield? She finally chooses Liz McDonald as third witch and you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. And then Ciaran lets slip to Karen that it was Tracy who cancelled the original wedding venue. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. And while he's in a gossipy mood Ciaran let's slip to Charlie that he, too, has had carnival knowledge of Bev. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. Karen gets a grip of Steve and points out that the barman at the Rovers knows more about her married life than she does.  Meanwhile Liz gets Steve to give her a lift to the christening. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. Liz arrives at the christening dressed in a tasteful knee-length Laura Ashley print with a scalloped neck. OK, hands up all of you who realised before you got to the end of that sentence that I'd made it up. Liz actually turns up in an ensemble slashed down to there and split up to here with the bit that's neither here nor there pulled as tight as it will go. As Eileen describes it 'Whitney dressed as Britney'. Mind you, I suppose we're coming to a generation that has no idea who Whitney was. Perhaps it should be 'Thora dressed as Nora' (assuming anyone remembers Thora Hird and further assuming Nora Jones becomes a household name). How about Fido dressed as Dido? Ruff! Ruff! Roy has chosen a tasteful piece of poetry to read from the pulpit - Philip Larkin's 'Born Yesterday'. It would have been more appropriate to do 'They f*** you up, your Mum and Dad' because we know that's *exactly* what Steve and Tracy will do to Amy over the next 20 years (unless any of them are written out of the show). (And which, sadly, is what happened to the dedicatee of Larkin's poem - his goddaughter Sally Amis who came to an unhappy and early demise after one of her many 'bad Dad days.') And Roy's choice causes some face-pulling amongst the female Barlows, especially when he gets to

May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull -

The Barlow women (or 'Dev's Harem' as they're known in Weatherfield) are just about to spring up and drag Roy from the pulpit and beat him to death with their bags of bingo dabbers - unfortunately, before he can get to

If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

 - when the church doors are flung wide and Karen's floppy cardigan enters, closely followed by Karen. Personally, I think they should have done this bit like the end of the Godfather.

< scary organ music >

Vicar : Amy Cropper, do you renounce Satan?

SMASH CUT to Fred bursting into a Board meeting at Hollands Pies and
shotgunning the Chairman

Roy and Haley : I do renounce him

SMASH CUT to Karen bursting into a massage parlour and shooting Liz through
the lens of her sunglasses

Vicar : And all his works?

SMASH CUT to Candice bursting into the bedroom where Jason and Mrs Fanshawe
are inspecting the thermostat and machine-gunning them both

Roy and Haley : I do renounce them.

Still, I wouldn't have missed Karen's confrontation with the Vicar for
anything.

Vicar : This is God's House
Karen: Well yer'd better sort out yer door policy because she's WELL from
the Dark Side.

Karen gets Tracy in a headlock as Steve arrives ("Oh look everyone," cries Karen 'Jack Nicholson' McDonald " DADDY'S HERE!"). I have to say as one of those who think Kate Ford couldn't act her way out of, into or indeed in the vicinity of a brown paper bag that her performance here is a classic example. She's bent over backwards by Karen, her hair is being pulled and you'd imagine it wouldn't take much of an actor to look distressed and in pain. But she manages to look as if she's waiting for a number 9 bus to the Supermarket. Nor does her expression change when Karen releases her in order to give her a tasty right-hander.

Meanwhile Fred is giving Shelley a dressing down (no, a dressing *down* not a dressing *gown* - pay attention at the back) for spending too much time chatting with customers and for sloppy bookkeeping. Not that we've ever seen her keeping any books but we must take Fred's word I say we must believe Mr Elliott. And when she announces a special Mothers' Day offer of two drinks for the price of one for Mothers without realising that every woman in the bar has at least one kid - declared or not, legitimate or not - Fred gets even more upset. Plus Jason wants two bottles of lager for the price of one because he's going to take them home and give them to Eileen. The final straw comes when she arranges a lock-in for the regulars and Fred wants to know why she doesn't just leave the till open and let folk help themselves to his money. Shelley quits in a huff and even a stolen kiss from Charlie doesn't cheer her up. Liz and Karen have a full and frank exchange of views. Karen has a little something to go with Liz's Mothers' Day flowers - the boot. And the nicest thing Liz has to say about Karen is 'Yer scum you'. Steve sides with Karen and throws his Mum out.

Ashley takes Clare for a naughty night in a Chester Hotel. Clare reveals that you can judge the quality of a hotel from the grouting in the bathroom - clean, well-maintained grout shows you're in a 4-star establishment. If the grout is cracked, chipped or dirty, best avoid. She sets up a special game of chess - UHT milk sachets for the pawns, brandy, whisky and vodka miniatures for the pieces - where you have to drink anything you take. Unfortunately, by the time they get to bed she's overindulged and passes out. Steve pays a clandestine visit to Tracy to deliver the promised 50 quid in
used notes for Amy's maintenance. It doesn't seem to occur to him that if the legal Mrs Cropper tried to pursue him for maintenance on behalf of a child whose birth certificate shows Mr Cropper as the Father, which aforesaid Mr Cropper was advertised for months by Mrs Cropper as Father of said child, she's not likely to get very far. And then Steve wants Tracy's Bank Account number so he can set up a standing order. Which, trying to be clever, he's going to set up via Streetcars. So, no danger in the future of Karen walking in on a discussion between the owners of Streetcars where Dev is asking "And what's this standing order for 50 quid to Tracy Barlow? We sacked her months ago". No danger of the Tax Inspector querying whether the standing order is a legitimate business expense. No danger of Tracy blowing the whistle and using her bank statements as proof. Whew! Steve's dodged another bullet and the scriptwriters have missed a golden opportunity to rake over the ashes of this plotline at some future date and discover smouldering embers underneath. But in a week dominated by Mothers' Day in more ways than one, the classic line was delivered by Kev Wobster. Coming home t find Sally ironing he offers: "You shouldn't be doing that today. About time Rosie learned"

John Dean