Hello and welcome to another weekly wonder flying through the email and falling down behind your radiator next to that long-lost purple thong you bought from Wilko's thinking it would make you look slim and groovy.  So now you know where to find it, dig it out and throw it in the bin and do the same to the purple thong too.  And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Sunita joins that long list of Corrie women sent to prison and jailed.  Let's think, we've had Rita in for alleged GBH on Chesney, Deirdre in for being stupid, and yes, well, um, I'm sure I remembered some more when I first started this paragraph. Anyway, Sunita joins them even though she pleads 'not guilty' to bigamy.  Sunita's parents blame Dev's lusty liason with Maya for their daughter ending up inside and he's beside himself with grief. I love being beside myself, don't you? Such wonderful conversation and never a cross word from me to I. Maya pops into the corner shop for a pint of milk and a manic episode and Dev throws her out, threatening to kill her.  She then pops to see Sunita in jail, putting doubts into her mind that Dev's behind the whole thing.  Just when you think it can't get any worse for our favourite jailed shop girl, it gets better, sort of.  Maya and Frankie have lunch together at the Clock.  That place is like, so in, and, like Delfines? It's so over. Anyway, Frankie starts to realise her mate is a nutter and tells Dev about the cab driver they'd bumped into weeks ago (weekly update reference GHA/455fh/12 available on request for a bag of sherbert lemons) who recognised Maya after driving her to what she'd told him was her wedding.  Much Streetcars sleuthing goes on and Inch High Private Eye-leen with help from Patrick find the fella. Unfortunately for Dev, the guy won't help with enquiries, wanting nowt to do with the police and won't get involved.  Dev pleads with Leanne to remember anything unusually matrimonial in her dealings with Maya but she's not what you'd call helpful towards Dev although she could be, if she'd wanted.

It's sleek, it's clean, it's the Silver Stitcher machine, edging at the speed of life at Underworld.  Only problem is, Danny gets only one of these new machines for the girls to use and they all want their own.  And as they fight over who gets to use it, they decide on a machine race and then a gur-slur for some reason I still can't fathom. This meant attention was diverted from Kelly trying to get into Baldwin's knickers - the ones he was wearing, not the ones she was stitching.  Hayley knows what's going on and she's not best pleased but Danny and Kelly seem to be enjoying themselves flirting across the factory floor.   Elsewhere in the factory, bingo virgin Sean is taken for a night out at the Mecca where it's eyes down with two fat ladies and the rest of the girls.

Liz returns to the Rovers, takes up her old job and moves back into her room only to move out an episode later when Charlie can't keep his hands to himself.  Shelly's still in denial and bitches with Liz behind the bar, which makes great viewing for the regulars at the Rovers but is disappointing for this telly watcher who's wanting something more, something better, in a storyline for Shelley.  Unable to afford anything else, Liz moves back in with Steve and Karen, who are still trying, and failing, to conceive.

Trying to spice up his love life with Cilla, Les buys a second hand spa bath from Charlie.  It's huge, it's round and it takes three people to lift it up the stairs but Les is convinced this will put the sparkle back into that place wherever sparkles go (as opposed to sparklers which shouldn't be put anywhere, just waved around in the air while you go "ooooooohhh").  Les does his back in trying to lift the bath and ends up in the Rovers on whisky to numb the pain while Cilla, the floozie in the jacuzzi, makes merry with Billy Arrowsmith the plumber as he installs the pipe work and gets the bubbles blowing.  There were some great scenes with Kirk and Chesney sitting the bath eating tea and watching telly before it was taken upstairs by the plumber, who says to Kirk: "I expect you lost a lot of modelling work once Lowry died".  Magic.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update flying into your in box a day earlier than usual because I'm out gigging tomorrow night, working late the night after and by the time Thursday comes around you'll have forgotten you were ever waiting for an update to come.  So here it is, in all its glory and wearing a new pair of shoes, this week's Coronation Street update.

Things are underhand at Underworld as the girls work overtime and things get overheated. As the girls nip out to the Rovers, Kelly and Danny get to grips in the gusset department but they're caught out as the girls walk back in.  Not wanting news of this to get back to Frankie, Danny tells Kelly their little fling is over but son Jamie hears on the grapevine what his dad has been up to and tries to bribe dad to keep things schtum from his mum.

While Dev mopes about the shop and makes the place look untidy, Sunita's mum is desperate to get her daughter out of prison.  She concocts a plan to persuade the reluctant taxi driver to identify Maya as the woman who passed herself off as Sunita and the guy eventually agrees. In a showdown at the Rovers, Maya's unmasked for her marital misdemeanours by Mr Duggan.  However, the police need her identified in an official line up so Dev and Sunita's mum's plans were for nowt.  As Dev howls at the moon down at the cop shop, in walks one of the blokes that Maya has married, saying he wants to give evidence against her.  Maya ends up arrested, Sunita is freed and there's hugs, tears and kisses outside of the prison when Dev goes to collect her.  Sunita insists on returning to work in the shop but this doesn't stop the gossip that goes on around her and she agrees to a few days off with a box of Tunnocks teacakes.

Cilla and Les' spa bath upsets Norris and Emily as the grinding, whirring noise makes its way through the walls and into their nightmares.  It sounds like a washing machine that's got a bag of spanners on a final rinse, or like a Tardis in need of a bit of WD40.  And in order to get the bath into the bathroom, the toilet is now in the yard.

Blanche gets the family onto a TV game show called Top of the Tree, and drags all of the Barlows to London.  They need seven people to qualify to take part in the show so along with Ken, Deirdre, Blanche, Tracey and Amy (who answered a question, correctly, about TellyTubbies) they rope in Liz to come along, who also brings Steve. Now, Karen's gone away to Dublin for the weekend to stay with Linda Sykes and she's took twenty seven pair of shoes.  Steve is aghast that anyone could  need so many shoes or indeed, how shoes could be so important to someone.  Ah, what the heck, one more time, shoes. So there they are, on the quiz show and they've won six grand when Steve is in the spotlight to gamble the winnings for a car that's worth seventeen grand and his star subject tonight, is, you guessed it, shoes. Well, never. He's allowed a phone call and he chooses to ring Karen but of course can't tell her why he wants to know about shoes, can't tell her that he's on a quiz show or that he's in London with his daughter's mother and his wife's arch rival for his affections.  So Karen doesn't realise her side of the phone call can be heard by the audience and she rattles on about getting Steve's keks off when she gets home and how she's feeling soooo fertile.  "Er, Karen? Shoes?"  Steve reminds her.  Karen gives him the right answer, the car is won and Steve swears everyone to secrecy, Karen can't know what's gone on while she was away.  In the London hotel Tracy comes on to Steve and you can tell he's kind of tempted, his taste does tend to run to tall, dark and manic.  With Steve back in Weatherfield and Karen back from Dublin, Blanche spills the beans to Karen about the London trip which leads to much arguing in the flat and Steve wringing  hands and rolling eyes around in despair.

It's Sophie's 10th birthday and Sally throws a party  but is only interested in Rosie's friend Gemma from posh Oakhill School.  Not happy with the guinea pig that her parents have bought as a present, Sophie raffles it off at the party, and who can blame her?  Anyway, Gemma's parents invite Sally and Kevin for drinks round at their place and Sally's in her element because it's a right big house and the couple are down to earth. Kev's not best pleased though when Sally whitters on about how one day they too could turn out to be like the Davenports (for that was their name). He tells her he's happy enough being a Webster, but it's clear that will now never be enough for our Sal, not now she's had a whiff of the Davenport's French patio doors.

Janice and Patrick finally go on their date but it turns into a bit of a disaster when Neville goes missing.  Patrick's dad Neville, a hulk of a brute has escaped from the house but when Patrick catches up with it, it knocks Janice over and scratches her chest.  Personally, I think there's something applaudable about a bloke that carries a picture of his pet dog on his mobile phone, but Janice, perhaps more of a low-maintenance-goldfish-as-a-pet sort of a girl, doesn't agree.

Jack bumps into his mate from his pigeon days in the Weatherfield Arms and he blames feminism for making him get rid of the cree.  The mate from the pigeon society tells Jack he's looking for new members and would like to recruit Jack back into the nest and under his wing "It would be a bit of a coup". he says. "A coup?" says Jack. "A coup." says the fella.  They hatch a daft plan to get Jack's pigeons reinstalled at number nine by pretending that the Duckie's house has been chosen to open as a museum of industrial life.  Vera falls for it, for now.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.  Some days it's celebrity central, living in London, it really is. I've stood next to Richard Branson on the Picadilly Line.  I've passed Alexei Sayle, Ruby Wax and Ricky Gervais in the street on my lunchbreak  and I've eaten tapas at the table next to Rankin' Roger. This week I  walked past the actor who plays Tommy Harris.  He looked much like himself on the telly and was easy to spot, unlike the time I spotted Thelma Barlow looking glam and gorgeous on Tottenham Court Road and looking nothing like Mavis at all.  I live in hope that one day someone will spot me, come running up and ask me, all kind of nervous and excited: "Aren't you that Glenda one that writes them updates for th'internet, lass?" and I'd smile and sign autographs and waft away in a breeze of Estee Lauder and Eau de Tunnocks. Ah well, I can but dream and so here we go again with this week's Coronation Street update.

Not content to wait until summer 2007 for her day up the aisle in a confection of a frock that looks good from the back, Claire convinces Ashley she wants the wedding brought forward.  They decide on December 25th for a perfect Christmas Corrie celebration.  I can see it now. As they're smooching at their wedding reception in t'Rovers feeding Fred's pork pies to each other and drinking champagne from tinsel-rimmed fluted glasses the camera will fly outside to Maxine's bench where snow will be falling and an undernourished urchin sits and shivers, holding out a tin cup and crying for a storyline, a bit of dialogue and a bag of chips.

Karen finds out in the most cruel way that Steve was on the game show in London with the Barlows.  Steve tries to stop her from seeing the show on TV but she walks into the Rovers just as it's on the screen with everyone gathered round.  Humiliated in front of everyone, she tells Steve she can't trust him and throws his stuff out of the window along with Liz's bits and bobs too.  Liz takes herself and her bits to the Barlows who put her up and put up with her as she camps out in the living room and dries her thongs on the toaster. It fair puts Ken right off his crossword.  Liz's delighted that Karen's had enough of Steve, she thinks Tracy and Steve should be together instead. Things get tense for Karen who goes round to the Barlows to give Tracy what for. "It's about time that pug-faced mardy mare felt the weight of my hand!". And in a wonderful scene on the street both women are there in their huge hoopy ear-rings and flicked-up hair, as mad as each other and Steve hasn't a clue, or a  hope.  Karen finally decides she wants Steve back and they talk about moving away from Weatherfield until she realises, duh, that she won the car for the Barlows and by rights it belongs to her and Steve. And now she's going nowhere until she gets her hands on her prize.

Charlie's started being demanding of Shelley and persuades her not to go on a night out with Sunita. She does what she's told and his dominance of her continues in a most unpleasant way. This is all going to lead to a domestic violence storyline which, I dunno, soaps and drama series say they do these things with best intentions at heart and there'll probably be a helpline at the end of the programme - but to call it entertainment?  I tend to disagree.

The Duckworth's get a letter from the North West Conservation Society to say their home has been picked as authentic and chosen to open as a museum. Vera's all a flutter when she hears cousin Prince Charles will be doing the honours and opening their humble abode to the public. There's only one problem, to be truly authentic they really need a pigeon loft in their backyard. It's all a plan of course by Jack to get his pigeons back in the yard but Vera still hasn't seen through the scheme yet.

Les and Cilla's bath times are becoming even noisier and Danny joins Emily and Norris in protesting to Les who pays no heed. Danny has a plan to turn off their water and blames a breakdown in the national grid.  But peace and quiet doesn't last long and the whirring, grinding spa bath is back in action as soon as Les phones the waterboard and they tell him to unstop the stopcock.

Elswhere in the Street, Kelly decides the only reason Sean's gay is that he hasn't met the right woman yet - and she decides the right woman is her.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda