Happy New Year and welcome to the first Corrie weekly update of 2005.  This is a special time for the weekly updates as 2005 celebrates 10 years of my weekly Coronation Street updates for th'internet.  I won't blather on here about why I write them, how they started and who helps  when I go on holiday but if you'd like to know answers to these questions and more, they're all on the weekly update website at www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk   And so without any further ado, except a little wave hello to those gorgeous people at Air New Zealand, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Shelley holds a New Years Eve party in the Rovers.  In the back room, war wages between the women as they disagree on the right size to make sandwiches. Vera cuts up doorsteps while Emily, Blanche and Betty reckon on something smaller. 

Charlie buys Shelley a new frock to wear for the party but it's two sizes too small.  He's done it deliberately but pretends the shop assistant's given him the wrong size. Never mind, he tells Shelley, she could do with losing a few pounds anyway, couldn't she?  Well, that's as may be, but if he's not happy with her the size she is what's he doing with her in the first place?  Anyway, he passes on the frock to Jason who gives it to Violet who wears it in the Rovers and reduces Shelley to tears - which was Charlie's plan all along.  Pretending to make amends, he buys Shelley another dress, this time the right size but she takes it back to the shop and buys another in the smaller size Charlie wants her to be, promising to be slim and dim by Valentine's day instead of as thick as she is now.

But back to that party in the Rovers.  Liz turns up wearing something pink and frilly, which I'm told on good authority was a similar dress to the one Jamie Lee Curtis wore in Trading Places.  It obviously made a lasting impression on someone (thank you Barry).   As the party gets into full swing, Chesney and Rosie take refuge under the table eating hula-hoops from the ends of their fingers - surely the only way they should ever be eaten.  As the old dears gossip around the table, unaware the kids are hiding underneath, they discuss Sally and her daughters.  "You just mark my words" says Blanche, "That young Rosie'll end up a serial killer."  As Chesney wolfs down the buffet, he tells Rita it's the best food he's had all year.  Feeling sorry for him after the miserable Christmas he tells them he's had, the women put their hands into their lavendar scented handbags and  fork out the sum of £12 between him, poor lad. 

Ken arrives at he party with Adam from Scotland, played by a new actor, a full two metres taller and 10 years older and eyeing up Sarah. Ken and Deirdre then get fruity on red wine and Deirdre has a quiet word with Shelley in the back yard. By the empty crates and dust bin, fag in hand, Deirdre tells Shelley she knows that life with a builder can bring its temptations - all those lonely housewives wanting a bit of lagging in the bathroom or an extension in the kitchen. Shelley knows she can talk to Deirdre if she needs to, but she can't admit to anyone just yet that life with Charlie isn't anything but perfect when it's anything but.

Gail cracks her face to buy Eileen a drink but makes it perfectly clear she'll always blame Todd for ruining Sarah's life; she'll blame Richard Hillman for ruining hers and she'll never forgive Barney the rabbit for taking all the best scenes. Eileen and Gail drink to the memory of their grandson, little Billy Platt.

And so as the clock strikes 2005, Deirdre leads a conga out on to the cobbles. Chesney rushes home to hug Schmeicel and fireworks hit the sky to welcome in the year year.  There was also something involving Les, Cilla, a pretend bad leg and dancing to Status Quo but it was all a bit naff so I won't mention it.

Elsewhere this week, Roy rages, quietly and internally of course, in the cafe when a fella keeps popping in to eat his own sandwiches and to spend a penny in the facilities without spending any money in the cafe on food and drink.

Warren gets called up to play for Weatherfield County (WC) on New Years Day.  Frankie, Danny, Mike and Adam get wrapped up warmly and support Warren from the cheap seats while Candice takes her cleaveage to the pitch in the freezing cold with barely more than an extra layer of lipstick to keep out the chill.  Warren starts as a sub but when he eventually gets on the pitch, he kicks the ball after the ref has blown the whistle for the end of the game and gets a yellow card for his trouble.

When the Stench of Death comes down the Harris' stairs to greet Tommy and Angela's ears, they start to wonder what sort of music young Craig is listening to these days. Craig and Rosie have started listening to all sorts of teenage stuff, you know the kind, without a beat and with words you can't understand.  They head off into town with Craig's Christmas money and return with black hair, having released their inner goths and certain the world will end on March 17th.  I do hope not, I've just put an order in for a new sofa.

Sally's shocked and stunned by Mr Davenport's declaration of lust for her. Over drinks after work he surprises Mrs Webster by telling her she's the most attractive woman he's ever met in his whole life.  Doesn't get out much then, obviously.

And as Audrey suffers from a noisy neighbour, Fred offers her peace and quiet at his place overnight, which she gratefully accepts.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update, the one that never takes its own sandwiches to eat in a caff.  And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Signs go up as Vince gets Roy down in the cafe.  Unable to confront Vince, who's eating his own sandwiches, using the facilities without paying for anything, smoking, loitering and generally being a low-level bully, Roy takes it to heart and gets all het up. "Don't do this... " and "Only patrons can do that... " signs go up all over the place but Vince pays no heed as Roy heads for a breakdown.  It reminds Roy too much of being bullied as a child and he tells Hayley he regrets not going into library work now that this has happened in the cafe.  Hayley storms over to the builder's yard where Vince is working for Charlie and has a few words: "Nobody has my husband holed up in our flat wishing he was a librarian! Nobody!"  This only annoys Vince and he goes back for more bullying, forcing Roy to do a fry up and then dropping it on his shoes.  After he hyperventilates into a paper bag, Roy rings the police, it's all clearly got out of hand and when Roy finally starts to break, in comes Charlie who throws Vince out of the cafe and tells him he's sacked. Still beating himself up, Roy tells Hayley he can't go on, worried that people think he's just a waste of space.  I had my own Roy Cropper moment earlier this week while squashed on a train by some bloke who had half his obese frame and his elbow on the arm rest, sorry - my arm rest, the arm rest that was clearly meant for the elbow that was mine.  But did I say anything? Did I move him?  Oh no, but I did compose in my head three strong letters of complaint to the train company, a letter to the Guardian and a poem about arm rests but got stuck when I couldn't find anything much to rhyme with fat geezer.

Anyway, Adam settles into Weatherfield teenage life, lured to taking cups of tea with Sarah in the cafe and he tells Ken he doesn't want to go back to school in Scotland. Nevertheless they cart him back there but he quickly does a runner back to the cobbles and into the Barlow's.  

Ashley and Claire return from les 'ooneymoon dans Paris and are surprised to find an earring down the sofa. It's one of Audrey's, left behind as she'd spent the night at Fred's  in the spare room while the building work was going on in her neighbour's house.  Ashley's worried that Fred's started proposing again and while Fred's glad to have his son and daughter-in-law back home, he feels he's lost a bit of independence in his own house.  I say he feels like he's now in the way.

Jason asks Violet to move in with him, which is all well and good. Violet agrees and moves her bags in but it all comes as a bit of a shock to Eileen as Jason hadn't asked her.  When she finally crawls off the ceiling and finishes beating her feckless son about the head for being so inconsiderate, Eileen tells Violet she can stay and puts another saucer of milk out for the latest addition to the brood she's collecting.

Tommy's confused, upset and angry when he spots Craig wearing nail polish.  He's even more irate when he finds out Craig's had his tongue pierced and there's an argument at the tea table when Tommy accuses Rosie of leading his son astray.  "Thurrup, the lorravyer" lisps Craig through a mouthful of blood and a swollen tongue.   When Tommy finds Craig's got two tickets for a goth gig, he says he's too young and forbids him to go, until Angela, playing Joy Division's Transmission reminds her husband of a 15 year old Tommy who snuck out of his bedroom window to go to see gigs.

At the garage, Ian finds excuses to keep Sally back after work for a drink, to do the books, any excuse to spend more time with her.  She tells Ian she's not interested even though he's declared undying love for her and says she's sticking by her Kevin, the kids and the beans.  When it's clear she won't give in to his lecherous, er, leching he tells her she'll have to go and find another job.

Elsewhere on the street this week, Charlie's got Shelley on a diet and has paid for gym membership for them both.  With a bit of luck and some training on those dumb-bells, she'll be able to clock Charlie round the head with a pumped-up right arm and knock him flat out any time soon.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Here we go again with another weekly wotsit popping through your inbox with a dusting of snow on its thermal vest.   And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Roy starts the week feeling sorry for himself after his run-in with Vince when Charlie came to his rescue. Convinced his customers are laughing at him behind his back in front of the caff, he stays upstairs and mopes in his terry-towel dressing gown and jim-jams.  Hayleys has words but although she means well he doesn't take much heed until Fiz tells Roy he's determined and steely, should crack open a barm cake and refuse to let Vince ruin his life.

Bethany starts school and there's much weeping at the Platts as Sarah, Gail and Audrey get emotional when they see her in her new uniform.  The significance of all this is totally, like, lost on Candice, right, who reckons Adam's return from Scotland has more to do with fancying Sarah than being with the Barlows, innit.  Adam tells Sarah it's because he wants to be with his family but the two of them start to go out a lot together.  So, maybe, Candice was like, right, yeah but?  Mike's happy to have Adam back and appreciates his "little bit of wahey, little bit of whoo" attitude in his son while Ken worries about Adam's lack of a decent education. 

Fred overhears Ashley and Claire kidding in the kitchen while he's stood by the door.  They're talking about him proposing to half the women in the street and most of the ones from Rosamund Street too and think it's all a big joke.  Fred's deeply hurt so takes himself off tot he one place he'll find solace - the bar of the Rovers where he orders a big one and asks if Audrey's been in.  Clearly the strain of living with the newly-weds is starting to show, I say, it's causing problems already for t' burly Butcher.

Anyway, back to Sally and her boss in the car salesroom where last week Ian had told Sally he loved her.  Well, what's a girl to do? She has to put beans on the table somehow and if refusing Ian's passion means she loses her job, there's only one thing for it. So it's full frontal snogging after hours in the back room with her boss while lying through her teeth to Kevin and the girls.  She justifies it to herself that she's doing it for the family and the girls.   At some point Ian sacks her and tells her to leave. He gives her a month's wages and a bonus and holds open the door for her to walk out.  Sally closes the door, snogs her boss and keeps the cheque so I'm not entirely sure if she's still employed or not.  Anyway, with the bonus she books a holiday in Crete for the Websters this summer. Which seems a bit pointless as according to Rosie the goth, the world is due to end on March 17th. 

Fed up with fighting off Tracy, Steve decides to show her just what he thinks of her.  He picks her up at 7, takes her out for a meal at 8 and by 9 she's in tears when he tells her they'll never end up together and she should forget all about him.  "There!" he says as he flings a red rose across the table towards her.  "A token of my indifference!".   It seems to have worked but when Liz finds out what he's done she tells him it's awful and typical of something that Karen would have done.  Steve feels bad, waltzes down the street and ends up apologising to Tracy, who is, after all, and let's not forget it because it's mentioned every time she's on screen and sometimes when she's not, she is the mother of his child.  And no one messes with mothers in Corrie.  No one.

She's flushed her pills down the loo and set out to get pregnant but when it happens Katy looks Martin straight in the eye and says: "It in't my fault!".  She was going to text him when she found out the news but decided against it which was probably a good thing.  (how r u?  i am pregnant. pls can u bring sum bred from t'shop on way home, kt x).  Martin's, well I was going to say not best pleased but that's way too mild.  "It's a disaster!  A total and utter disaster!  How can this possibly be alright?" he yells at Katy.  When he calms down they talk.  Katy wants a bigger house and plans to drop out of her studies while Martin wants her to have an abortion.   Just wait until Tommy finds out.

Shelley's going to the gym and dieting to get to be the shape that Charlie wants her to be.  When he catches her with egg on her face eating chips in the back room with Sunita, he's not happy at all and lets her know it. Charlie's working on fixing up Dev's corner shop and diddles the insurance a little for his own gain.  Most small businesses do it, he says but Shelley's shocked, they argue and off he goes to the pub.  When he returns he tells Shelley it's no surprise that Peter left her.  I think that's when I threw something at the telly and shouted a swear word.   Or maybe I'm getting confused with the time I watched Countdown.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings, hello and here we go again with another wordy slice of life from the cobbles.  Yes, this is the weekly update popping into your in box after taking its shoes off and leaving them by the door, hoping you won't notice the holes in its socks.  And so, without any further ado here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Fiz gets jealous when Kirk meets Thelma and her Lulu.  Thelma's a belly dancer and as she's a big woman there's a lot of belly in her dance.  She's also got a poor excuse of a dog, a pink poodle called Lulu and she pays Kirk to walk it, giving him the key to her house.  Kirk tells Cilla and Les about this arrangement and they reckon Thelma's got the hots for young Kirkeh and are keen to pass on this news to Fiz, who gets all upset. With Sean as her fellow detective: "Oooh!  What would Angela Lansbury do?" the pair of them stake out Thelma's house and spy Kirk in the living room getting an eye-ful of Thelma's belly, it could have been dancing, it could have been wobbling.  Thelma's bloke, thick as two short planks, thinks someone's been seeing Thelma on the sly and storms round to the Battersbys where Les ends up getting a thumping in a case of mistaken identity. Les hasn't a clue what's going on or why he's been battered so is only too happy to take Kirk's offer of twenty quid and Thelma's front door key if he'll walk Lulu.  When Les gets to the house he's slobbered on and snarled at by Lulu, Thelma and the thick bloke as he protests his innocence before being thrown out.   Kirk's a bit confused too, he doesn't know why Fiz is upset as he knows there's nowt that Thelma's got that Fiz can't give him, including the big belly.  He's upset in the Rovers and when Charlie asks him: "You in the dog house today?" he replies: "No, it's me day off". Ah bless.

Katy's bombshell hits Martin and as he copes with the shrapnel falling around him, he seems to come round to the situation at last: "We're having this baby" he tells her, with a hint of conviction. Well, that's before she drops into the conversation the fact she stopped taking the pill which is when Martin goes ballistic all over again before finally, once more, as you always know they do, in the end, accepts the news once more that they're in the family way, up the duff and have a cake in the oven.  I know it's a bun but a cake would be nicer, sweeter, more frilly somehow, perhaps with some glace cherries in it.   They're keeping the news to themselves for now.  Just wait until Tommy finds out.  I know I said that last week, but I can't wait, oh no, it'll be great, especially as Katy wants to pack in college and move to a bigger flat and Martin's on his last warning at work and is already supporting one family as it is.  Ah well, love's young dream will have to see them through, perhaps it will or maybe reality will intrude.  But just wait until Tommy finds out.

Dev's new shop is finished, it's now D&S Alahan's and it's all fitted out and open for business - but where were the Tunnocks caramel wafers? Dev checks the invoices that Charlie's submitted for the work and it's clear that Charlie's been diddling the insurance.  He shrugs it off and tells Dev as a business man he should understand what he's been up to.  Dev tells Charlie what he's doing is fraudulent and takes him off the job rebuilding the rest of his corner shop empire. Charlie needs someone to blame and chooses Shelley.  She's an easy target, like a hippopotamus, big, slow, but she doesn't deserve what Charlie does next.  When she's all dolled up for a night out, he rips the diamond ear-rings out that she's wearing, drops them on the floor and spits on them.  And still she swears she loves him, doesn't want to lose him, will do anything for him. What is with these women?  Further humiliation's in store for Shelley when Charlie puts up a weight loss chart in the bar saying he'll donate a fiver for every pound Shelley loses between now and Valentine's day.  She should do herself a favour and lose a ton of flab by locking Charlie out of the pub and her life right now.

As Tyrone gets Vera to accept Maria back into their lives, Maria's playing away with a footballer called Stuart.  The Duckies want Tyrone and Maria to go to Blackpool with them but it's left up to Jack to have a quiet word with the lad in the Rovers when he tells him that Maria's seeing another bloke.

Also seeing another bloke is Sally in the garage, being fondled by the filing cabinets, felt up by the photocopier and kissed by the boss.  While she's in a clinch with Ian in his office, in walks Kevin but Mrs Webster and Mr Davenport manage to disengage from each other before Kev spots anything untoward going on in the underwear department.

Remember warts? WARTS to be precise.  Weatherfield Area Retail Traders Association (or something).  Well, it's now called the TA - Traders Association - and Norris isn't best pleased that Sunita's decided to go along to her first meeting.  He's even less happy that she's nominated for president when the present incumbent steps down.   Fred agrees that it's all a rum do and at the bar of the Rovers, Fred, Norris and Roy quote Churchill and muse on whether Sunita could handle the role.

And that's just about for this week.

Glenda

Here we go again with another weekly update undulating under the internet and writhing through the ether to reach your inbox with a shiver of delight. Sometimes there's nothing better. And so, without any ado here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Danny wants an end to Frankie's fued with Leanne so invites her and Candice round for dinner and drinks.  It doesn't go well and Leanne ends up with a face full of pizza after whacking tomato ketchup all over Frankie.   Danny recognises Frankie's spirit in Leanne and gets the pair of them to shake hands, make up and agree to a fresh start.

Maria buzzes about footballer Stuart and makes a fool of Tyrone so when she finds Stuart with another woman she's in tears to Liz back at the flat. Tyrone walks in to find Maria all upset and asks her to marry him, to which she agrees.  I know, I know.  When they announce their engagement in the Rovers, Tyrone's ecstatic, Audrey's happy for them, Candice and Liz are confused and the Duckie's are downhearted, especially Jack: "Don't be a mug" he tells Tyrone. "What's the use of buying the dairy if all you ever need is a pint of milk now and then?"  

Sarah's new boyfriend Scooter is taken home to the Platts for tea and interrogation.  Scooter works with skips, seems a bit shy and that's as much as we know about him for now.  Expect more alliteration next week.

Dev's a bit disgruntled that his lovely new wife might be elected as president of the retail association so decides to stand for nomination himself.  Fred, Norris and Roy feel such a  male presence would be the right thing to uphold the traders testosterone tradition.  "Never mind testosterone!", I hear you cry, dear reader. What's that?  "Give me chocolate" I hear you say? Oh, alright then. There, on the top of the shelves in the corner shop were two whole boxes of Tunnocks wafers this week in all of their glory.

Gail's guessed Sally's secret (the alliteration this week's fairly flying from my fingers) and while she says she'll not tell anyone, she's got that smirk on her face that says she just might.  Gail gets Sally to realise that sleeping with the boss has become part of her job. "You mean I'm prostituting myself?" says Sally.   

Norris tries to get a book club up and running in the Rovers and starts off badly by being insufferably pompous (Ken's words, not mine).  The intellectual elite are gathered round a table, there's Norris, Roy, Rita, Blanche, Ken, Emily and er, Liz in laddered tights and short skirt wondering when she can get stuck into her well thumbed copy of Lust at the Supermarket Checkout (Part I: Luncheon Meat).  Norris wants the book club to read something intellectual, Roy wants factual, preferably involving trains and Blanche needs large print whatever it is.  While decisions refuse to be made, Norris accuses Roy of forming a resistance party within the movement and takes the huff.

Charlie's behaviour continues oddly towards Shelley and he throws a wobbly when he finds her eating food with Sunita in the back room. He escapes to the Weatherfield Arms where some woman comes up to him offering razor blades for sale. She's got a cold sore on her mouth and looked as if she should have had a dog on a string by her side. Charlie takes her outside and threatens her to leave him alone. Anyway, Shelley wanders in to find Charlie and he gives her some story about a brother he had who went around pubs selling razor blades before he turned into a junkie. It's all very odd but Shelley believes every word and as they hug at their table, Charlie looks over to Liz behind the bar and gives her a wink.

And finally this week, it happened at last. As Tommy and Angie celebrate their 20th wedding anniversay Katy breaks the news that they're going to be grandparents.  Threats of violence from Tommy to Martin are never carried through but it doesn't half spoil their planned night out and they sit in  listening to Tommy's present from Angela, the CD version of The Specials' first album because he'd lost the original LP over the years. (You and me both, Tommy lad).

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda