Feb 7, 2005

Greetings and welcome to another weekly spread of butter lashed across your hot cross bun fresh out of the toaster.  And apologies too.  If you usually receive the weekly updates through Corrieeweks, bear with us while we sort out the software.  Until we can figure out a way to continue to accommodate the vast number of subscribers via a mailing list, the weekly updates will continue only to be posted to this website and to the newsgroup rec.arts.tv.uk.coronation-st and hopefully with top man Peter Flint working away behind the scenes, the Corrieweeks mailing list will be back asap. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Rosie and Craig decide they'd better do it and get some wotsits, before the world ends on March 17.  They sit on the sofa looking uncomfortable and decide, perhaps, it's best if they don't, you know, do it, because there's a chance that the Goth website is wrong and the world might not end after all.  Craig takes his leave from the Webster's front room with the unopened wotsit in his pocket and walks outo onto the cobbles and into Tommy's fist, knocked out flat.  Tommy had just finished an argument with Angela after finding out Katie had failed all her exams and he vented his anger on his son, giving Craig the slap he wanted to, but couldn't, give Katy.   As Craig falls to the ground, the wotsit falls from his pocket and much shouting goes on in the Harris' house.  Craig does his best to explain that nothing happened but Tommy takes some convincing that his 14 year old son isn't going to end up a teenage parent just like his sister.   Tommy storms round to tell Sally what's happened and Sally demands to know where the wotsit came from (I'm being as direct as the dialogue was here. I think it's termed euphemism - or is that a brass band instrument? I'm never sure).  "I took it from your handbag" wails Rosie before Tommy left the house, blushing and Sally stood there, speechless.  Sally tells Rosie she'll be in enough trouble with Kev as it is so there's no need to mention the handbag incident and she calls round on Tommy to tell him the same thing. 

Meanwhile at Davenport motors, there's more doing it with wotsists for Sally and Ian.  Sally's sure Ian's wife knows what's going on although he tells her she's being paranoid, as he unzips her, staples her to his office desk, highlights some areas he'd like to cover in more detail and then files correspondence away in the  in-tray.

Although both Dev and Sunita stood for nomination to President of the trader's association they both lose out to the baker Diggory Compton who wins the presidency by only 4 votes.  Fred reckons voters were swayed by his banoffi meringue tart. Hey, it'd work for me.

It's Sarah's 18th birthday and Martin takes her to visit baby Billy's graveside.  Martin says Billy deserves a headstone and offers to buy one.  Scooter gives her an antique picture frame he found on the skip and a silver bracelet he bought, then turns up with a pond liner and offers to install it in the back garden.  Gail has a quiet word with Sarah about precautions and protection.  "We know what we're doing, we're being careful!" says Sarah, shocked.  "I meant the pond!" says Gail, concerned about Bethany falling in and drowning.  But Scooter's got that covered too and offers to cover it.  And the pond too.

Chesney's heartbroken at losing Schmuckle (it's no good, I'll never be able to spell it right, I've given up trying) and even a visit from Monica doesn't cheer him up. Cilla tells Chesney it'll find it's own way home to which he replies: "It's a Great Dane mam, not a homing pigeon".  Cilla's sold the dog to her mate Yana from the bingo for £100 and she's reluctant to return it as she's having men chat her up when she takes the dog out for walks (it happens girls, really, it even happened to me although the chat up lines did involve worming tablets and fleas).   Yana wants £200 if she's to hand over the dog so Cilla makes a ransom note and pretends it's fallen through the letter box while everyone else was out dog-hunting.  It reads:  "£250 or the dog gets it".  "Gets what?" asks Kirk, smelling of putty.

The book club work their way through saucy novel Hard Grinding and  Emily's dismayed to find her copy of the book has had pages 172-173 stuck together after Norris finished reading it.  She's determined to find out what he's trying to keep from her and accuses him of censoring the fun bits as she's a woman of the world and has been around a bit after all. Turns out Norris was doing her a big favour after all because the story on pages 172-173 was about a book-keeper shot dead in his office when two intruders break in.   She's touched by Norris' concern but tells him she doesn't need his protection. Or a pond liner. Or a wotsit.

And that's just about that for this week.


Feb 14, 2005

Hello and welcome to another weekly dose of absolute drivel, tosh and nonsense, the likes of which haven't been seen round this estate since them at Number 5 moved out last August.   Before I start proper, another round of applause please for Mr Peter Flint who pulls the strings and flips the switches backstage at the Corrieweeks mailing list while this pantomime horse kicks about on stage making a complete fool of herself.  He's a star, that Mr Flint, although it's best to keep him away from the cough drops.  And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Love is in the air, everyone we look around on the cobbles this week. Oh yes, love is in the air, in every sight and every sound. And I don't know if it's just a coincidence or a conspiracy plot, but it's something we all must believe in because the clues, my friends, are there.  On the day Ken and Deirdre were wed, back in July 1981, Prince Charles married his Diana just a few days later. And now Ken's gone and done it again.  He went and proposed to Deirdre the day before Prince Charles announced his engagement to Mrs Camilla Park-and-Ride. Deirdre says yes, she will, while Camilla Parker-Knowles-Recliner sported an engagement ring the size of Nairobi. So there you have it, coincidence? I think we should be told.  Anyway, the wedding's off after Ken tells Deirdre he's marrying her for the best of all reasons: benefit entitlement, pension and tax.  But what Deirdre wants is romance, love and passion.  So they call the wedding off.   Ken has a chat in the Rovers to Fred, who tells him: "A woman wants a bouquet, not a balance sheet" and Tracy does her best to make Ken see sense  - and so he proposes again. This time, he's down on one knee (not easy for a man of his age), in the pouring rain as Deirdre's sitting on Maxine's bench on the street.  So, once again, Deirdre accepts Ken's  proposal of marriage and the two of them skip back to the house, probably to crack open a bottle of red, put their feet up and celebrate with Tunnocks tea-cakes. Which is probably what Charles and Cruella Tarka-Poles did too, right after they told the Queen, I just bet.

Elsewhere on the street this week, it's Amy's first birthday.  After an eventful first year of life spent being kidnapped, raised by the Croppers and bought and sold more times than a fake Britney Spears autograph on e-bay, Amy's quite a happy little baby and enjoys the party Tracy's laid on for her at the Barlow's.  Blanche's friend Lena turns up from the 1o'clock club with a glad eye for Ken and a taste for rum punch.  There's more old people than young at the party so Emily, Rita and Norris help themself to the booze and start singing Bobby's Girl in a three part harmony by the sideboard.  Steve turns up with a gift for his daughter but no smiles for her manic mother and leaves pretty sharpish, as you would.

Schmeicel's still missing and Les, Fiz, Kirk and Chesney manage to pull together the £250 demanded on the ransom note - although how difficult can it be to lose the biggest dog in the world? Anyway, they give the money to Cilla who takes it to her mate Yana, pays her off and brings the dog back home, with enough money left over to buy herself a new pair of boots. Cilla's the heroine of the hour until Kirk and Fiz figure out that Cilla made the ransom note.  Cilla's trying to get Schmeicel moved to live in kennels but Fiz tells her the dog's staying where it is and if she refuses, Fiz will tell Chesney and Les the truth about the money.

Sally gets a visitor at work in the shape of Ian's spurned lover with the name of Della Hopkins.  Della used to work at the garage, in Sally's job. She used to sit where Sally sat, do the things Sally does and stayed late working overtime for the same reasons Sally does too. Della tells Sally that Ian sacked her when their relationship ended just before Sally started working for him and gives her a few words of warning with a glint in her eye and a sparkle in her steel toe-caps. Sally minces to Gail's where Gail hasn't got a clue what Sally's on about, she's wondering if she should tell Kevin, finish with Ian, leave work, stay schtum or e) all of the above.  It's all a bit of a mess and I'm starting not to care, which is a shame as I used to like Sally before she went nuts.

Norris holds court in the Rovers as the book club disintegrates around him.  The book they're all reading, "Hard Grinding", he reckons is beneath him.  "Beyond him, more like" snarls Blanche.  "This book reeks of masculinity" says Norris to which Blanche replies: "Which is more than can be said about you" before a discussion ensues as to just how effeminate Norris really is.

It's Shelley's weigh-in at the Rovers on Valentine's night and she's still a couple of pounds over the 10st limit Charlie had set for her. He's all grand, empty gestures during the most romantic day of the year with a big, bland bunch of roses and heart-shaped fireworks for Shelley. I mean, huh, who'd be impressed by that? I wouldn't have wanted it, oh no, and I'm like, really, really pleased that nobody did anything in any way resembling any of that for me, really, no I am, really, I can buy my own flowers if I want them, really.  So there he is with his grand gestures and when he finds out that Sunita pulled the scales back two pounds so that Shelley would weigh in at an exact ten stone, he's not best pleased and there's threat behind his eyes as he turns Violet to stone in the Rovers back room.

And that's just about that for this week.


Feb 21, 2005

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update, fighting its way to you through snow blizzards, wearing a big furry anorak.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

After Ken and Deidre's engagement announcement coming the day before HRH and Flotilla Parking-Boats announced theirs, you can only go and guess what's happened now.  Yes, the wedding of the year is going to be held on the same day as Charles and Camilla's - Friday April 8th.  What a glut of televisual glee that will be. I've got the beers in already and have started crocheting my commerative Ken and Deirdre tea towel with matching socks and hat.  Deirdre pours herself into something gold and ill-fitting with a matching bad jacket and models her wedding outfit for Ken by the sideboard.  "It's lovely" he says. It's not, and I spot a gap in the market for Pronuptia to start a mid-life/middle-aged-spread range.

At the butcher's Fred's got Gregory on work experience but tells him to make himself scarce and Claire takes over at the counter. Fred's overjoyed, I say, he's made up and considers changing the name of the business to Elliot and Family. But Claire's got plans, she wants to work outside of the home, far away from these two great planks of meat and not in the butcher's shop either.  She goes off for an interview as nanny to another family, leaving little Josh with Fred in the house.  When she returns, Ashley and Fred are made up when she tells them she changed her mind and didn't go for the interview after all.  But when they find out the truth, they're not best pleased.  Claire, apparantly, has always wanted to be a tram driver and on the way to the interview she spotted a job vacancy advert.   Ashley fails to understand what his wife wants to drive trams for, it's beyond him completely.  Fred tells Ashley to let Claire know who's boss: "Put your foot down with a firm hand".   But some of us women (for indeed I am one), trains and trams hold a fascination, it's not just a bloke thing so I think this storyline's great. If you're of a like mind, you might enjoy reading Parallel Lines by Ian Marchant.  It's subtitled Journeys on the Railways of Dreams; or Every Girl's Big Book of Trains. Choo-choo, all aboard, step along the platform, mind your knees, stop hiding from the inspector without your ticket in the toilet, we know you're in there.

Scooter does his best to get on with the Platts and brings Bethany a doll's house he's found in the skip. It's in total need of renovation, fixing and cleaning.  When Gail's toaster is toast, he brings another one he's found in a house clearance after some old bloke has died.  "Ugh, dead man's crumbs" says David before Gail goes out and buys a new one that looks exactly the same as the old one Scooter found for them.  He's a good character is Scooter, quirky and quiet, quite fun.

Charlie takes Shelley to The Clock for a celebration dinner after she got down to her ideal weight - although Sunita had moved the scales by two pounds so it only looked as if Shelley had hit her target.  He then pays for Shelley and Sunita to take a trip to a health farm and when they return, starts messing with Shelley's mind over the weight loss thing, all of two pounds.  It's all too believable - just a bit complicated to write down. What he's done basically is to turn Sunita and Shelley against each other, deepening Shelley's reliance on him for comfort and support while alienating her mates.  He's a nasty piece of work. Sunita can see it quite clearly now but Shelley doesn't want to know and the pair of them stop speaking.  

Steve's upset in the Rovers when he opens a letter (why do they do open their post in the pub?) and it's divorce papers from Karen.  Tracy can hardly contain herself but it's Eileen who puts a wry smile on Steve's face with some motherly concern and a good sense of humour.

Tommy reckons Sally's having an affair after the to-do about the wotsits in her handbag t'other week.  And he thinks she's having the affair with Martin.  So sure of this is he that he tells Angela and when she finds out that Sally and Martin used to be an item years ago, the pair of them are sure Martin's cheating on Katy.  Meanwhile, Martin's planned a few days holiday in the Lake District where he plans to propose to Katy but Tommy doesn't know that and he sits in a rage over the sight of Martin getting into Sally's car when she offers him a lift to work.

Ah yes, Sally at work.  Ian's back from holiday at the garage and it's business as usual in the back room of the car show room for the pair of them.  She questions him about Della and wonders if there are any more women in his past who he's had affairs with and then sacked.   Ian guarantees on his daughter's life that although Sally might not be the first woman he's been involved with, she'll certainly be the last.  And then they got jiggy in the reception area and he didn't even take off his vest. 

And that's just about that for this week.


Feb 28, 2005

Here we go again with another flurry of fortitudes, plenty of platitudes and senseless sentences that we've come to know and love as the Coronation Street weekly update.    And so, with the stereo blaring from downstairs where the chef's working magic in the kitchen as I write - something to do with Guinness gravy and Nigel Slater - and without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Before she goes for her interview as a tram driver with North-West trams, Claire gets clued up on the subject from a most unlikely source. Thinking that Roy might be the man with the info, she's surprised that although Roy knows his onions when it comes to trains, he tells her it's Dev who knows how the cookie crumbles when it comes to trams.  But Dev's not keen on being outed as a trammie and wants to keep things quiet.  He passes a parcel wrapped in plain brown paper to Claire under the table at the cafe, and tells her if she wants more hard-core stuff; signalling, points, that kind of thing, she only has to ask.   Confident she'll get the tram driving job, Claire's disappointed when she doesn't.  First off it's her eyesight when it turns out she's shortsighted and she fails the eye test. "But you've got lovely eyes" says Ashley.  Next time we see her she's wearing a huge pair of Deirdre specs, there's no other word for them, subtle they ain't. (Should have gone to Specsavers).  Ashley's quite taken by Claire's new look and much is made of taking off specs and letting down Claire's hair with a shake of her head.  Fitted with her focals, she goes back for the interview but fails again, something to do with not being able to go without the toilet from one end of Manchester to t'other.  Norris shares his train set with Claire as the two of them get misty eyed about steam and romance. And so, after  the set back at the tram driver interviews, Claire decides her future's on the buses.

Sally's showing Gail new clothes she's bought for work, short skirts and tight tops for the benefit of the boss.  Gail's not best pleased and tells her friend: "Bad Sally! Naughty Sally! Off the bed, now, Sally!" and then "End this sordid affair, he's your husband's friend!".  Angela overhears, this last bit anyway, and assumes this is proof that Sally is indeed having an affair with Martin.  When she tells this to Tommy, they both pass on the news to Katy, who slaps Martin, packs up and leaves the flat.  Martin's frustrated she won't believe he's not having an affair, but being the complete pillock he is, goes about it all completely the wrong way.  Katy's back home with her parents and abortion is discussed before they're all down the clinic and Katy's had the op.  Tommy beats up Martin on the cobbles (always painful in that area) and when he tells Kevin his missus is having it off with Platt, Kevin throws a few punches at Martin in the Rovers.  Martin lurches wonderfully, drunk, around the cobbles from pub to shop to garage and back again, getting jumped on and beaten up by Tommy and Martin while the truth still hasn't found its way out.

It's Rita's birthday and she celebrates it at the book club in the Barlow's.  As they sit around and discuss the merits of Hard Grinding, Blanche is rather confused until it turns out she's been reading Grinding Hard, which sounded much more interesting, involving as it did, spies and women with beehive hairdos.  As Roy, Ken and Norris attempt to bring some gravitas to the discussion, it's hijacked by Rita's birthday celebrations when Deirdre brings in a birthday cake for her.

Scooter brings Sarah a bottle of perfume as a gift and she wrongly assumes he's found it on the skip.  He's hurt that she thinks he's such a cheapskate and shows her the receipt to prove he's not lying.  It'd be a shame if she finished with him now, he's a good little character, I like him a lot and think he should stick around, him and his skip.  David called him Stig of the Dump this week, which was what Audrey once called Spider, if my memory serves me right. 

Underworld is underworked and sales orders aren't forthcoming so Danny starts talking about laying people off.  Meanwhile Mike's made a promise to his mate at the golf club that he'll take on his great-neices, identical twins Jessie and Joanne.  The factory girls can't believe their eyes, these two girls are indeed identical, in the same way that say, Laurel and Hardy were.   But what was Mike thinking of, taking on new staff when there's not enough work?  Not his problem, he tells Danny boy.  In the bar of the Rovers the girls and Sean take the twins for a drink.  Janice asks them if they have a special language that only twins can understand.  "What? Like Polari?" says Sean before doing a bit of vada wotsit while Janice's wondering what nuclear missiles have to do with being a twin.

In the Rovers, Charlie tells Shelley he's heard Sunita and Frankie bitching about her behind her back. They haven't been of course, but Shelley believes him and stops speaking again to her mate Sunita just after they'd made up with a girls night out, except it was held in the Rovers - under Charlie's watchful eye. 

And that's just about that for this week. 


By Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.

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