Hello there and welcome to another weekly wotsit plopping onto your electronic doormat without wiping its feet first.  It’s been a busy week on the cobbles so without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Dominating the storyline this week, again, has been the Harris hammer horror.   Katy’s still shaking, Angela’s still wobbling and my patience is snapping but let’s crack on.  After Hayley posted the letter from Sheffield that Angela had written to herself, Mrs H. is wondering why the police are ignoring her pleas to get the family back on the witness protection programme. She finds out soon enough when they arrest her for murdering her husband.  (This led in our house to a discussion on what was the official word for doing in the father of your children and we decided that although the term wasn’t spermicide, it probably should be). As a drunken Angela sings along to “Why? Why? Why? Delilah” with the girls in the Rovers, it’s “Bye! Bye! Bye!  Angela” as the rozzers take her away in the van.   Angela’s dad comes to look after the kids and takes them home to Sheffield after Katy says goodbye to her mates in the Rovers.  Whe she spies Martin, the bloke she once looked at in a come-hither way, she now gave him a look that withered.  Honest Hayley confesses to the police that she posted the letter and she’s arrested for attempting to pervert the course of justice.

Better news for Steve this week when he meets a lovely young woman on the Red Rec as he’s out walking Amy.  Louise is a single mum, over from Ireland staying with her sister and Steve’s heart’s in a flap over his new love.  After she bumps into the happy couple on the cobbles, Tracy’s jealousy gets her drunk in The Weatherfield Arms and then ends her up in bed with a new bloke called Nathan.  Now then, Nathan doesn’t yet know what a psycho Tracy is which is why he’s sticking around for now and gets a job at the garage helping Tyrone while Kev’s away on holiday with Sally and the girls.  Ah yes, Sally, she’s not sure she’ll have a job to come back to after Ian gets an identikit blonde temp in to cover at the car salesroom while she’s away. 

Roy and Hayley prepare for the return of Les and Cilla from Spain but when they don’t get off the plane they’re supposed to, little Chesney starts to worry so Roy makes some calls.  It turns out they’re both working on the Costa - Cilla’s a hostess in a fun pub, Les is bar manager and neither of them have any plans to return.  A bloke I know told me he once knew a woman who was exactly like Cilla. Exactly, he said, then he shivered and took a long, slow, drink from his pint, with a haunted look in his eyes.

When Deirdre tells Ken: “I’ve had Julie and Donna fighting over a mouse mat and using me as a go-between”, you know she’s had a bad day at work and is in no mood for listening to what Ken’s got to say.  But when he tells her he’s booked the registry office for Friday April 8th, she’s quite lost for words.  Ray decides he’ll go home to Amsterdam but the doctor tells him he’s too ill to travel so he sticks around at the Barlow’s with only days to live. Ken invites him to the wedding and Ray accepts.

Fred buys a monstrous garden statue and not surprisingly, Claire and Ashley refuse to entertain it. So, Fred decides to sweet talk Audrey into taking it instead.  Off he goes with little Josh to recce Audrey’s garden and ends up falling in a hole that opens up in her lawn.  Firemen are brought in and Fred is hauled out of the hole.  Well, well, well.

But the burning question this week is, just who is Big Alice at Streetcars?

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update, the likes of which haven't been seen round here since the woman at number seven had the operation. She had the whole lot taken out and a new fireplace put in.  And so, without any further ado because this is a Corrie wedding special, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Yes, the bells were ringing for Ken and Deirdre when they tied the knot for the second time. The first time, 24 years ago, I can barely remember.  Mind you, I was probably hanging around outside the chippy trying (and failing) to get chatted up by a spotty sixth-former instead of sitting in and watching Corrie with the 'rents.  As the day approached, Deirdre's taken out on her hen night with just the right amount of pals to each wear one of the letters from her name on a t-shirt, so we had D-Tracy, E-Frankie, I-Liz, R-Eileen, D-Emily, R-Rita and E-Sunita.  However, Ray didn't see the funny side when Tracy, Liz and Frankie stood in front of him in their t-shirts as the girls got ready for their big night out.  Deirdre's in pink wings and devil horns for a pizza and cheap wine in town as Ken sits in the Rovers surrounded by men who've woken up with Deirdre by their side in the past (Ray, Mike) although some may have enjoyed the experience less than others (Dev). Ken proposes a toast to himself, the luckiest man in the world as Mike looks uncomfortable and Ray looks very ill. On the day of the wedding, Liz has slept overnight on the sofa and Blanche is wondering where she's gone.  "Who?" asks Deirdre.  And in a wonderful line Blanche replies: "Her, the one with roots as dark as her soul". Blanche and Deirdre have a bit of a moment by the sideboard before they set off for the register office and then it's chocs away, party frocks and hats time. Adam's the best man and Mike's with Penny King who's dressed in green. Vera's also in green with a hat made out of one of Jack's pigeons.  Ray's there looking ill, with Rita who's lovely in lilac. Liz is in animal prints and Betty's in a cardi.  Tracy's in orange and Emily's in deep purple (now there's something I never thought I'd put into an update) and the fragrant Audrey's in a pink trouser suit.  Ken's in a suit from Greenwoods with a tie from the back of the wardrobe and Deirdre's in a pale green outfit with a  frill on her head. Fred takes the wedding photos: "Everyone say sausages!" And there you have it. He did, she did  He will, she will. Oh Ken. Oh Deirdre. Kiss kiss, back to the Rovers, drink drink.  Everyone on the floor for the hokey-cokey putting their left arm in, their left arm out, Ray has his Martha Longhurst moment and dies in the pub, in, out, in out, and shake it all about.  You do the hokey-cokey and you call an ambulance but it's too late, Ray's gone and croaked to the hokey-cokey.  Determined not to let this spoil Ken and Deirdre's honeymoon, Tracy says she'll make all the funeral arrangements and sends them off on their jollies with Deirdre in tears.

Elsewhere this week Chesney readies himself to be called up to spend the rest of his life in Spain although, technically, Cilla and Les haven't yet been in touch.  Roy guides Chesney through the difficulties of the Spanish language although it's my experience that Chesney already knows the essentials when he says Les has taught him: "Dos cervezas por favor!"  Chesney thinks Schemicel will need a passport too if he's to travel to Spain with the dog and attempts to get the Great Dane into the photo booth with him to take his passport photo.  As you can imagine, not a great success.

After Fred fell through the hole in Audrey's lawn last week, he's been told by Roy and Ken that the area around Grasmere Drive where Audrey lives  is the centre of a Saxon well.  The water from the well is reputed to have healing waters that never run dry.  Fred spots a marketing opportunity and wants to install pipes and a filtration plant in Audrey's back yard.  He gives Audrey flowers and suggests dinner to talk things through but she's not convinced, you can tell.

Tyrone and Maria get frisky in the office at the garage and in walks Blanche's friend Lana who catches them at it. You know, it.  She demands brandy, and lots of it, to steady her nerves and then blackmails Tryone into doing her MOT on the cheap and tells Maria she wants free cut and curls in the salon or else she'll tell Kev all about it when he returns from his hols.

When Jamie takes the Underworld van up to Carlisle on a delivery job, he leaves Leanne missing out on a big date with him, he'd promised to take her to eat at The Clock.  Hang on, just checking my notes here, yes it says Clock.  At a loose end, Leanne chats to Danny in the Rovers and the pair of them end up eating out and flirting over red wine, both lying to their partners afterwards about where they've both been.

Katy returns to the Harris house and tries to put herself into a coma. She smashes her diabetes medication and shovels spoonfuls of sugar to make herself as ill as possible while watching a karaoke video of Angela and Tommy, which I would have thought would have been enough to put anyone in a coma.  Martin stays overnight at Gail's, on the sofa, feeling lonely and low and needing his family.  The next morning he hears music coming through the walls from next door, pops round to see what's going on and finds Katy lying on the sofa after Scooter kicks in the door. Is there no end to this man's talents? He'd only just got a broken lava lamp working!  An ambulance is called and the credits rolled.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

Here we go again with another burst of lemon and lime marmalade in the shape of your weekly update on the piece of toast that is life. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

ast your mind back to last week, to Katy lying on the sofa in a coma.  Scooter’s just smashed the door in and Martin’s by Katy’s side waiting for th’ambulance to arrive. Sarah gives Martin a letter she’s found by Katy’s body, it’s in an envelope marked ‘The Truth’ - and you know it must be serious, truth always is when it comes in capital letters.  Katy’s taken to th’ospital and hooked up to tubes and dials and all manner of props as Martin reads the letter by her bedside. It takes a while for it all to sink in but he slowly realises it is indeed True.  He takes the letter to Angela in prison and she continues to protect Katy at first until she realises there’s no use fighting any more.  Martin takes the letter to the rozzers and they question Angela again but they aren’t too keen to let her off the hook, not when they’ve got a signed confession from her already, evidence of her DNA at the scene and a big tick in the box on their solved crimes list of murders.  Angela tells them
 that the wrench she buried with Tommy in the coffin might still have Katy’s fingerprints on it and there’s only one thing for it.  Up he’ll have to come.  Meanwhile, Craig finds out the whole horrible truth and Gail takes him under her wing at her house until he thumps Martin, blaming him for it all. And you know what, as far as Corrie thumps go, it wasn’t a bad one.

The DIY MDF coffin from MFI that Ray had requested is finally screwed together by Tracy PDQ on the Barlow’s dining room table. Ray’s funeral was held this week with all the regulars out in force wearing black.  “It’s baps back at Blanche’s” says Norris with glee after the formalities are finished. 

Steve’s new woman Louise stays overnight with him before flying back to Ireland. She’s a really nice woman, probably too nice for Steve so it’s no surprise that she’s gone no quicker than she came.  Which leaves Steve alone and lonely in his flat. And after Ray’s funeral, Tracy’s feeling vulnerable.  Not a good combination so you can guess what comes next.  A few hugs and a bit of red wine and Tracy gets what she’s always wanted.  While Steve’s confused about his feelings for Tracy, Blanche is in no doubt as to what’s going on.  She tells Tracy Steve’s just taking advantage of her and reminds he’s been married three times, once for money, once for a bet, has a jailbird for a father and, well, Liz McDonald for a mother.  So just think on, young ladeh.  Tracy doesn’t care, she feels Steve’s finally given in to her womanly charms but Steve’s not really sure what’s going on.   Liz is delighted with this turn of events but Eileen reminds Steve that Tracy was the one who drove Karen away and broke up their marriage.

Fred takes Audrey out to dinner hoping to woo her and win her over with his idea of bottling St Weather’s Water from the well in her garden.  She’s almost taken in by this daft scheme of his until Mike points out that giving Fred 50% of the profits from the well in her garden isn’t good business sense.  Audrey tells Fred she wants out of the deal and he’s not best pleased, especially when he’s told Shelley he’ll sell the Rovers to finance this new venture and Shelley and Charlie have now agreed to buy the pub.  Fred’s further depressed when Roy tells him he’s researched further and the hole in Audrey’s lawn isn’t likely to be a well as he first thought, it’s more likely to be the opening to a mine shaft. This hasn’t deterred Fred from sampling the water he’s pulled out of the well although hasn’t yet made the connection to why he keeps needing to go spend a penny more than usual.

When she finds out that two premierships scouts (dyb dyb dyb) are watching Warren on the pitch, Candice is worried that he’ll dump her when he becomes a famous footballer. She decides to do something about it and after moping around the salon getting in everyone’s way and on everyone’s nerves, she announces to Audrey: “I’m just going out to get famous”.  She decides to be a weathergirl and although she’s dim and overcast, Candice does her best and practises pointing and hand moving, smiling and turning.

The book club can’t decide on which book to read next. Blanche fancies another Mel Hutchwright but she and Norris disagree on the gender of the author.  Blanche says it’s a woman and Norris reckons it’s a man and advises Blanche to write to the publisher to find out the truth.  Oh yes, it can’t be long now before Mr Hutchwright makes an appearance on our screens in the form of Sir Ian McKellen, whom I  last saw around these parts in coloured bloomers at Christmas.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.   This week the update is particularly soothing and comes with its own corn plaster, free with 27 tokens from past weekly updates and £3.99 for p&p if you want it asap. Terms and conditions apply and your statutory tights will be affected.  But anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Sean's broke so isn't best pleased that Eileen's landlord is upping the rent. Desperate for funds, he starts a part-time  evening job where he gets to play with balls and wear a purple  sparkly jacket four nights a week.  As bingo caller down at the  Alhambra, it's an ideal job for Sean.  "I feel like I've come home" he says and then clickety-clicks with the bouncer.  The factory girls show Sean some support on his first night but when  both Fiz and Eileen win, Vera's not happy.  She reckons Sean's fixed the numbers and when she won't stop shouting about the unfairness of it all, Vera's flung out by the manager,  along with her lucky knitted bingo Sir Cliff Richard doll mascot.  Vera's fuming again the next night when Violet wins and she
causes another scene about how Sean's fixing the numbers for his  mates.  The manager, all pork scratchings, greased hair and dandruff, has no choice but to throw Vera out, but not before confiscating her golden bingo balls.

Audrey sacks Candice from the salon for being cheeky, rude and lazy so Candice decides to make the most of this opportunity to turn her life around and become a telly weather girl instead.  But when Audrey finds her doing haircuts in the flat until she hits the big time,  she gives Candice a storm warning and evicts her from the flat.  Candice moves in with Warren's family where there's relative warmth and humidity and she considers a change of name to help her in her career - Gale Warning, April Showers and Sunny Intervals are suggested.  Candice publicises her career aspirations by ringing the Weatherfield Gazette who print her story on page 27 but only because she's the girlfriend of a minor league
footballer.  In the Rovers, Leanne laughs at Candice's plans to get  on the telly then suffers from poor visibility when she gets a pint thrown at her in an easterly direction from Candice.  Danny tells Warren he wants Candice out of the house as soon as she gets a new job.

Martin's in tears at Gail's and Angela's in tears in prison when Katy dies. The news filters to the Rovers by way of a text message to Violet.  Blanche makes Tracy promise that when her time is up, she wants the honour of having the news spread by good old fashioned telephone, preferable Bakelite, and by the wagging of tongues not the bleeping of texts. Hayley visits Angela in prison and finds out the truth about Katy which she passes on to everyone back on the street.  The funeral's quiet with only Martin, Hayley and Violet there from the cobbles along with Angela in handcuffs,
her dad and Craig.   When it's time for the ashes to ashes, funk to funky bit, Angela blames Martin for everything that's happened and has to be restrained by the prison officer attached to her wrist.

Fred's still having tummy troubles after drinking water from the well in Audrey's garden.  He has the water tested by a fellow square dealer but it's bad news for Fred and Audrey when the results come back in.  It turns out the water isn't from a well after all,it's an old sewer pipe that's under Audrey's house – and the water from it once spread cholera and typhoid around the Weatherfield streets.  Now that Fred's not buying into
waterworks, he'll not beneeding to sell the Rovers, I say he'll be keeping the pub. Shelley's heartbroken when she hears the news the first time, I say, never mind the second time.  Charlie blames her for not acting quick enough to secure the sale and says it's her own fault she's missed out on buying the pub. Yes, Charlie; Of course, Charlie; You're right Charlie; Sorry Charlie, she whimpers.

Ken and Deirdre return from honeymoon and Deirdre's given up the fags as a wedding present to Ken - and herself. "I've got a nicotine patch on this arm and a HRT patch on the other." she moans.  Steve and Tracy get together this week and play happy families although Blanche reminds her granddaughter they haven't  been on a proper date yet and advises her to be alluring, mysterious and to keep her hand on her ha'penny.  And so, a date is fixed.  Tracy's at Steve's flat and he leaves while she sorts out Amy in the nappy department.  When Steve leaves the flat he locks Tracy inside and she hasn't got a key and her phone battery's gone
flat,so while Steve's waiting at the Clock for their big date, Tracy's sitting on Steve's stairs with Amy, eating Rusks.  Happy as Steve seems in his new relationship, Tracy remains the same sad Street psycho so he'd do best to think on.

The Websters return from holiday.  Sophie gets her guinea pig back from Chesney, Kevin finds Nathan working in his garage and Sally's head explodes when Ian walks into the garage followed by wife Justine booming: "Go on then, admit you've had an affair with her!".  It's the temp she's talking about, not Sally, and feckless Ian tells the temp to pack her bags and leave. Sally keeps quiet, too shocked to say anything.

Chesney's missing his mum and Les who are living la vida loca in Espana por favour without him and he mopes by  the phone hoping Cilla will ring (she doesn't).  Roy helps Chesney with his maths homework in the café, it's Venn diagrams and he explains them with the help of the salt cellar, a vinegar bottle and a packet of
salt and vinegar crisps.  I wish someone had explained things that way to me, I could never get my head round maths, still can't, so just be thankful this isn't the weekly hard sums update.  Later, Roy and Hayley find Chesney on th'internet at the flat, trying to book a flight to Spain using Roy's credit card.  Chesney says he feels he doesn't belong anywhere, he's in a Venn diagram all of his own.  Roy cuts out pictures of the Croppers and makes a special Venn diagram with Roy and Hayley on each side and Chesney in the middle.

There's been far too little corner shop action for a few weeks so no sightings of Tunnocks to report. 

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda