August 1, 2005
This week's update has been
written by John Dean while Glenda was on holiday. Over to John.....
How are the mighty fallen. Last time I was invited to wear one of
Glenda's old frocks and sit on the tasselled cushion of updatingness
EastE**ers was on the ropes, its demise was predicted and Corrie was cock
of the walk. Now the Queen Vic is once again triumphant and sitting
at the top of the ratings. And Corrie has *become* E**tenders. You
can't tune into Weatherfield without someone saying wivout or talkin
abaht shahtin or tellin someone to sit dahn ... interspersed with quaint
scenes of Lancashire folk trying to get on with their lives.
Like Scooter, preparing to tell the Magistrate that his preservation
work with carp is comparable to Gorillas in the Mist. "I did it for the
fish". "Back to the dock, Henry Fonda," is the Magistrate's riposte.
Gail's appearance as a character witness hits the skids when the Magistrates
recollect she was married to Richard Hillman. "Not such a good judge
of character, then?" queries the beak. "I am now," squeaks the valiant
Gail. Guilty. Fined £100. Next.
Meanwhile, Ea***nders reject Nathan is the object of Joanne's affection
(she of the "oh we can't tell them apart" twins). The Underworld Gels
engineer a date for the pair but Joanne fails to sparkle and Nathan
gives up on her.
Poisonous Tracy tries to provoke Steve into hitting her but fails. (How?
All she needed to do was stand still). And she is less than pleased
when Steve tells her the Police are not proceeding with any charges
related to the "Amy kidnap" story. In fact, she's so unhappy she even
puts her teeth away for 30 seconds, allowing me to remove the sunglasses
for a brief respite. Eileen and Bev and his solicitor advise Steve
to keep a cool head and not let Tracy provoke him. "Do you think I'm
the village idiot?" asks Steve. "Well," points out Eileen, "you DID
impregnate Tracy Barlow." And Tracy is now round the caff warning Roy
and Hayley off any idea of supporting Steve if they want to see Amy
again.
Danny's Mum turns up from Walford after the funeral and the Baldwin
family have a good old-fashioned Easten**** knees-up round the breakfast
table. Then while she and Mike are having a walk, she confesses that
Mike is Danny's Dad. I mean. Stone the crows. Stand on me. Hold up.
As Penny says, on hearing the news, "Oh no. Not another one." Although
Mike points out with some poignancy "I've fathered three sons and
I'm no-one's Dad."
At the court hearing over custody of Amy, Tracy insists Steve is not
the father but Steve's brief puts in a telling Perry Mason question
"If he's not the father, why have you been accepting money from him?"
(Although if it had been me, my answer would have been "Because he
offered and because I wanted it.") The judge decides the court will
accept that Steve is Amy's father. But Tracy persuades him that Steve
has threatened her so he issues an injunction preventing Steve from
having contact with Amy or Tracy for the next 14 days. Boo!
Sean decides to turn up at the vets to confront Tim with a bunch of
daffs, only to see him getting into a car with another bloke whom he kisses.
So the good news for Sean is that Tim seems to be gay and the bad news is
he seems to be spoken for.
And after all the suspense, the Big Fight is on. Mad Dog Maddocks floors
Ashley "The Butcher" Peacock after Clare has distracted him. Mad Dog's
girl friend (Mad Bitch) calls Clare a lady boy, a tattoo with a bloke's
face behind it sets about Ashley's supporters and a full scale riot
breaks out. The riot police arrive about 30 seconds after the first
chair is thrown (which is good going, even for Weatherfield) and
the story ends with the two boxers in the ring being the only people
who are NOT fighting each other. They agree to call it a draw.
Oh, and Fred threatens to sack Shelley. Which cheered me up because
it reminded me my spell on duty here didn't involve watching any
of the ridiculous Charlie / Shelley storyline.
John Dean
August 8, 2005
Here I am again with another weekly wotsit saying many thanks to
John Dean for writing last week's update while I was on my jollies.
This week has seen London slowly getting back to normal and I've returned
to travelling on the underground to and from work. It's not
often I sail down the tube station escalators with a smile on my face (unless
I'm escalator-surfing but that's more of a giggle than a smile) but I did
the other morning when I spotted an ad on the wall for topper Tunnocks
tea-cakes. It fair made my day. And so, without any further
ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
Steve and Tracy take their spat with each other to court, pretending
it's all about custody of Amy and care of their child. The
fella in the middle of the table, is he the magistrate? It's never like
this on Judge Judy, anyway, whoever he is he says that as Tracy won't
admit evidence from Steve's DNA test to prove he's Amy's dad, and as she's
happily taken £50 a week from Steve since Amy was born, he has to assume
that Steve is the dad and allows him access to his daughter until a
further court date in September. Later in the Street Steve tries
to talk to Tracy but she throws a wobbly, yells that he's threatening
her and runs crying to Deirdre who's in two minds as to whether to believe
her psycho daughter but she knows if she doesn't support her, it'll
be the end of playing grandma. Tracy runs back to her solicitor and Steve
is ordered to keep away from Tracy and Amy for 14 days. Steve
knows the only way to get even with Tracy is to play dirty at her level
and later in a packed Rovers he woos her over a pint at the bar. As
she falls for his sweet talk he twists things and tells her he wants
nowt to do with her and in front of witnesses in the bar she
throws a punch at him, splitting his lip. He's straight on the phone
to the police to report an assault and Tracy's arrested, cautioned
and released in a bad mood. Steve retreats to brother Andy's
for a few days until things cool down.
Sean gets a job behind the bar of the Rovers and is all a-flutter at
the pumps when Tim the tall vet comes in for a pint. Next day at
work in the factory Sean's all "My Tim this…" and "My Tim that…" but
that's nothing compared to the other factory shagnanigans that's gone on
this week. Kelly got to grips with Adam after a night out in town
at the weekend and can't wait to tell the girls, and Sean, at work
first thing on Monday morning. When Mike finds out he tells
Adam straight: "Never eat from the same trough as the livestock.
You get your snout dirty and mud on your feet".
Fiz falls foul with Kirk at the kennels. He's in his element looking
after the puppies: "Say Kirk for Daddy!" and bathing with the dogs but
Fiz has had enough especially when Kirk wants her to take the
puppies to work and keep them warm in her bra. So when Kirk's
mum calls from Cyprus to say his dad's slipped a discus and needs Kirk there
to help at the donkey sanctuary, Fiz is not best pleased to
be left alone at the kennels. Will Maria step in to help before Fiz
steps in more dog-doo?
At the Rovers, Shelley's still upstairs with her new face hiding old
insecurities. Fred wants Bev to manage the Rovers. He tells
her the place is rudderless, it needs a skipper to steer it as it's veering
this way and that. Fred can be quite poetic when he tries, I say,
he could almost be Pam Ayres.
"Oh, I wish I'd looked after me pub
The beer and the staff and the grub
Shelley's upstairs in a state
The hot-pot's lost its taste
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me pub"
Anyway, Fred and Bev have dinner at The Clock where Fred does his best
to put his assets in her hands and asks her to take over the Rovers
but Bev does her best to get him to give Shelley another chance.
Old-softy Fred gives in to Bev and says he'll not throw Shelley out
(although if I owned the place she would have been long out by now)
and surprisingly, he didn't ask Bev to marry him while he had a captive
audience, although he did admit he were fond.
Talking of being fond, Keith brings Gail a box of fresh veg he's picked
from his garden and offers to plant up her back garden with a lawn
and some shrubs. David and Sarah joke that Keith's got the hots
for their mother and when he turns up for dinner with a bottle of
wine and freshly picked sweet-peas, Gail starts to wonder just what
his motives are. When she thinks Keith's making a move, Gail gently
but firmly tells him she's not interested. That's when he gently but firmly
tells her he's not interested in her either, it's Audrey he's set his
sights on, and he asks her if she thinks he stands a fighting
chance. Just what will the fragrant Mrs Roberts think?
Elsewhere this week on the Street, Emily has a visitor and Norris isn't
happy to have an interloper at the breakfast table disrupting his cosy
routine. And so we meet another new woman on the street, another
female name ending in the letter `a', when Freda turns up as Emily's deaf
niece - relation to Emily's wonderful nephew Spider as yet unconfirmed.
And finally this week Danny sends Jamie off to Holland and tells Frankie
he's staying overnight in Glasgow at some rag-trade convention when
really he's holed up with Leanne having a mucky night in a Manchester
hotel (I highly recommend this, some of my best times…. sorry, I
digress). Back to the story, anyway, Frankie follows Leanne
to see what she's up to while her Jamie is away and rings Danny on
his mobile to tell him Leanne has gone into the hotel and asks him
what the best way to flush her out of the room would be. He
suggests setting off the fire alarm, before he realises that Frankie
is downstairs in the hotel where he's upstairs with his son's girlfriend.
Frankie sets off the fire alarm, Danny stays where he is and
Leanne comes downstairs and gives her a story about having an
interview for a new bar that's opening in town while Frankie
makes on she was just passing and came in to see what the noise
was all about. Leanne heads back to the room where Danny,
not having had the wisdom of Mike's earlier words, eats with the livestock,
gets his snout dirty and has mud on his feet.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
August 15, 2005
Here we are again with another week gone (and what
a nice, sort of triangle shaped one it's been). Next week the update will
be wearing pink pyjamas and driving six white horses when it comes a little
later than usual. It’s my birthday next Tuesday and I’m celebrating,
oh yes, over two nights and catching up with Corrie and the update when
I can. But hey, that’s next week, what about this week? Well
here it is, in all its glory and with no shame, this week's Coronation Street
update.
There are words I like: daffodil, Cinderella, pineapple, compendium, and
words I don’t: gazump. To say it your bottom lip sticks out like a chimp,
and that’s never a good look, unless you’re under contract with Billy Smart.
Anyway, Dev and Sunita are gazumped on the house of their dreams this week.
It’s a fair posh one in Salford, it’s even got a name – Meadow View – although
the number of meadows to view in Salford remains in dispute at the time of
writing. A house, posh or not, meadow view or nay, is needed somewhat
sharpish for the Alahans when they find out Sunita’s expecting twins. Fred
Elliot will be in his element when they’re born: “Hallo little baby! I say,
hallo little baby!”. Sunita can’t contain her shock and surprise at
the news: “Twins!?!” and Dev can’t contain his delight: “How many boys?”.
Dev offers two-for-one on all baby products in the shop, which might be useful
for some, but two-for-one on Tunnocks tea-cakes would be better for all.
Desperate to start nesting, Sunita gazumps the gazumpers (see, it’s that
bottom lip thing again) but Dev rages they can’t afford it, not even after
selling his share of Streetcars to Lloyd.
It’s almost a done deal and Lloyd’s ready to take over as Steve’s partner
in Streetcars. Kelly flashes her lashes at Lloyd when she finds out
there’s more to him than a bag of chips and a scratched Northern Soul tape
cassette and the two of them plan a date with a pizza.
The Duckies are due to celebrate their 48th wedding anniversary but things
are going wrong in a way they’ve never gone wrong for Jack and Vera before.
Vera reads an article in Frankie’s magazine telling her to vent her anger,
not bottle it up and Jack does all he can to help in the venting. There are
pigeons on the kitchen table, he breaks the hoover and Vera’s beside herself
when she finds pigeon poo on her cherished photo of Cousin Charles and Camilla.
The Duckies seem intent on destroying the last vestiges of any love left
between them and Vera walks out to live in Frankie’s spare room while Jack
invites Keith and the lads to celebrate with beer.
Norris clucks around Emily, suspicious and jealous of Freda, blaming her
when Emily falls and sprains her ankle. Emily’s happy to have Freda
around although painful memories are brought back as the two of them sit
and pore over Emily’s wedding photos and she ends up in tears. When
Norris sees Emily upset, he bites Freda’s ankles, starts yapping and growls
at her to leave them alone.
Liz is introduced to Bob’s mother who gives her the once-over and asks
her son: “Where’d you get her from then? Rent-a-tart?”. Much apologising
later, Bob asks Liz to go on another date and tells her he’s into photography,
admiring the greats like Cecil Beaton and er, Helmut Newton. (I never
realised what a great actress Beverley Callard was until I saw her in Two
Pints of Lager, but I think she’s fantastic in Corrie these days).
Anyway, off she goes to Bob’s flat to have her photograph taken in the style,
she thinks, of Cecil Beaton – all sharp style and big hats. But it’s
in the style of the other fella, Helmut, he wants to shoot Liz and in her
ignorance she’s quite keen, until he brings out a saddle from the bottom
of his wardrobe. “Do you want me to sit on that?” she asks him, confused.
“No, I was rather hoping you’d wear it,” he replies. Now, for those
unfamiliar with Helmut Newton’s work, well, they’re the sort of photos the
big Sunday supplements print and defend as art while anyone with half a brain
recognises it for what it is, a mucky old bloke getting his kicks by humiliating
women. Liz is straight out of there and goes to see Bev where they have
a bit of a giggle about being in a stable relationship with My Little Pony
until Bob rings Liz on the mobile. Bev gets her to persuade Bob to
come to the flat and when he turns up there all sorry for himself, the two
of them peck at him in a way I’ve seen two magpies knock a pigeon senseless
at the bottom of our garden. Liz tells Bob: “You can stick your long
lens where the sun don’t shine” and with that, he galloped away into the sunset,
last seen high on a hill in a Salford meadow.
Shelly tries again to get back to work and gets glitzed up in her best
blinging clothes for an afternoon session in the bar. Charlie tells
her she’s a bit over-dressed and it’s true she is, looking more like she’s
going to a Licensed Victuallers do… and just where is Stella Rigby these
days?. Anyway, she doesn’t make it downstairs just yet. She might have
new eyes but she still can’t see what’s going on and Charlie takes full
advantage. After hours, Shelly’s nipped-and-tucked-up in bed, Charlie’s downstairs
with some floozy in the back room who’s feeling a bit warm so he’s helping
her remove all her clothes. Shelly comes downstairs to the bar and catches
Charlie at it. Does she throw him out? Does she heck as like, she
doesn’t even throw a tantrum. He says he’ll leave in the morning,
she asks him to marry her. He says no, blames her for everything,
she simpers and cries and says he can’t go. Oh, for goodness sake.
Working behind the bar of the Rovers for as long as she’s done so, Betty
has seen a thing or two and I refuse to believe that her character wouldn’t
know that Sean is gay. Her little asides about him finding the right girl
have fallen flat in our house anyway. Never mind, Sean’s deep in Love
with Tim and reckons he’s the One. But when they’re out one night for pizza
some bloke called Lee turns up, spoils the night and turns Sean’s world upside
down. It looks like Lee and Tim are very much a couple and Tim has lied
to Sean.
And finally this week, Phil the reflexologist starts work at the health
centre and it’s daggers drawn as both Gail and Eileen get the hots for the
man with the healing hands. Just whose bunions will he squeeze first?
And that’s just about that for this week.
Glenda
August 22, 2005
Calm down dear, it's only the weekly update.
I bring you the update today on my birthday, eating birthday chocolates and
wearing
birthday pants. I used to have an hour-glass figure, until the
sands of time all dropped to the bottom, so I might have to lay off
the chocolates soon or the birthday pants might need elastic panel reinforcement.
But anyway, enough about me, here we go with this week's Coronation Street
update.
Jack's home alone when Vera swans off to Southport in a taxi and a huff.
While she's away, Tyrone titivates the house wearing Vera's pinny while
Jack slobs on the sofa in a beer-and-gravy stained vest. It doesn't
take long for Jack to realise he's no good without his other half: "She's
like smoking, a hard habit to break" and off he goes to the seaside
to find his little swamp duck, Vee. After a long talk on the pier
where long-
forgotten, tender moments are recalled, the Duckies walk hand in hand to
the Shangri-La B&B for a bit of how's-your-father and chips with mushy
peas.
Freda leaves after Norris spits that that she's doing Emily no good by
sticking around. Emily defends her niece and loses her temper with Norris
- hang on, I'll say that again, Emily loses her temper - but Freda
takes Norris' words to heart and gets wheeled away on the Weatherfield Wanderer.
At work in the Kabin, Norris isn't best pleased when Rita takes herself
upstairs for a short break, but he's beside himself with grief when he goes
up to check on her later and finds her lying on the sofa, one arm dangling
loose, mouth open, dead. Dead? I nearly choked on my Tunnocks
caramel wafer. Fear not, dear reader, for Norris was wrong, Rita was
alive and well and startled the gathered throng in her living room when she
woke from her nap. Norris had dragged Blanche, Jack and Sally up there
to pay their respects to the dearly departed. "But I couldn't feel
a pulse" Norris cries in his defence. "I'm not surprised" says Blanche.
".. under all that make-up". Rita's close shave with death
brings Norris' own mortality into sharp focus and he wonders, in the most
unsentimental way possible, what he'd do without Rita. He's living in Emily's
back room, working in the front of Rita's shop, he has no pension, no family,
no reason to go on working in the Kabin if Rita isn't going to make him a
partner in the business and there's no reason why she should although
he selfishly deems this unfair. So, at 65 years old, Norris starts
job-hunting and asks Rita for a reference which she gives to him in a sealed
envelope. He opens it, of course, re-drafts it, corrects her punctuation
and gets her to sign it.
Gail and Eileen have set their sights on the Street's newest single bloke,
Phil-the-foot, reflexologist of the parish. When Eileen tries to book
an appointment to have balm rubbed on her bunions, Gail lies that he's fully
booked so Eileen books a home visit. Then Gail squeezes in a home visit
before he sees Eileen. He caresses corns for both women in the same
evening, seemingly oblivious to the charms of either of them while the two
of them prepare to battle for the toe-twiddler's affection. "I'm surprised
he touched your feet after he saw the state of your net curtains" hisses
Gail across the Rovers to Eileen. When Gail spies Phil-the-foot's
car outside Eileen's house she assumes he stayed there overnight (he hasn't
but Eileen does nothing to disabuse Gail of the idea) and complains to the
Health Centre manager that his newest member of staff is carrying on shamelessly,
nay, unethically with one of his patients.
Charlie pays a psychotherapist to visit Shelley in the Rovers and Zak turns
up with the sort of deep gravely voice you'd want to read you a story in
bed, although nothing too scary perhaps. In their first session Zak
does wonders with Shelley and returns with relaxation tapes for her later
that evening. Zak's visit makes Charlie insecure and he assumes
Zak and Shelley have been talking about him in their session so he decides
to sack Zak until he sees the breakthrough that's been made with Shelley
and he changes his mind. This week Zak gave Shelley confidence enough
to put out the rubbish bin. Let's hope it won't be long before she throws
out the rubbish bloke.
Elsewhere this week, Audrey invites Keith on a date and gets all dolled
up and excited when he says he'll take her for lunch. When they end up in
the Rovers, Audrey's face trips her up, she was wanting a little more than
being gossip fodder for Vera and Blanche in her local. Never mind, they
agree to another date and this time Keith offers to take her for dinner and
says he'll meet her in the Rovers at 5.15 sharp. He might grow big onions,
he might be able to stuff a rabbit at 15 paces and provide a solid base for
his emotionally scarred grandson but Audrey's starting to realise that romantic
he ain't. "You remind me of Grace Kelly" he tells her "before the
car crash, of course".
And that's just about that for this week. Now then, back to the chocolates.
Glenda
August 29, 2005
Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. Many
thanks to those of you who sent birthday greetings from the four corners
of the world and from that fuzzy bit round the edge, all were gratefully
received. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this
week’s Coronation Street update.
Cilla and Yana (Viz’s Fat Slags writ large) go shopping in town to try on
wedding dresses and bridesmaid frocks. The posh shop lady can barely
hide her disdain as the pair of them come out of the changing room in gowns
covered in ruffles, fluffy bits and things that dangle, sparkle and possibly
vibrate. Cilla tells Les she wants a decent engagement ring - but how’s
he going to buy one when he’s stony broke? He hatches a plan and
troops down to the cop shop, tells the rozzer at the desk he’s lost a ring
and wonders if any have been handed in. The copper takes the details and
shows Les a tray of rings to identify the one he’s ‘lost’. But the ring that
Les picks has been stolen and the copper has already run Les’ details through
the system and knows he’s got form, done time, and stirred a bit of porridge.
Cilla’s dragged to the station to give Les an alibi and an ear-bashing and
demands, again, a decent, proper ring. Where he finds the money we’re
never quite told but a ring he does get, with a receipt, and then he’s dragged
to the Rovers by Yana. And there, on his 50th birthday, Les gets
down on one knee to propose passionately in a public house.
Steve returns from Spain looking as tense and pasty-faced as he did before
he left. He looks about as relaxed as if he’d spent his siesta sessions
poring over hard sums and long division. When he finds out that Dev’s
sold his share of Streetcars to Lloyd, it adds to a growing list of
worries which include a hefty solicitor’s bill, notification of the court
date against Tracy for Amy, and to top things off nicely, a letter from Karen’s
solicitor to say she wants the telly back. Liz, a woman made over by
reality TV show ‘Pimp My Clothes’, offers some support to her son.
Phil the foot feeler doesn’t find it funny that Gail’s told tales about
him to the Health Centre manager. He has a go at Gail in the street about
keeping her nose out of other people’s bunions. Notwithstanding, and
that’s a word I don’t use very often in the updates, he does end up agreeing
to go out with Gail on a date. She simpers when he accepts.
Lloyd wonders what secrets Kelly’s hiding after they go on their first date.
As they leave The Clock restaurant, a homeless woman sheltering in a shop
doorway recognises Kelly: “I see you’ve got what you always wanted then,”
she says to Kelly. Anyway, it turns out that Kelly’s also done time
for a spot of shop-lifting but she tells Lloyd those days are long behind
her now.
Keith and Audrey also go on their first date this week when he takes her
out for a meal. Not one to splash the cash, he’s distraught at missing
the early-bird special and says he’ll nibble breadsticks as Audrey peruses
the more expensive end of the menu. Audrey’s yet to discover why Keith
is so frugal but enjoys herself greatly with him on a Bank Holiday fishing
trip where she gets muddy in wellies and lets her hair down.
Adam passes his driving test and granddad Ken gives him £500 towards
a new car. Candice, much taken with the underwear heir, accompanies
him to the car auction where he buys an old banger that breaks down on the
way home. “You are so dumped” she tells him before storming home on the bus.
Ken’s not too happy to hear Adam’s wasted the money but there’s even more
bad vibes heading Ken-wards when Mike undermines him completely and buys the
lad a sports car. “You are so un-dumped” Candice says, but in an even less
subtle way.
Shelley makes sterling progress with Zak the psychotherapist who knows it’s
Charlie to blame for the state that Shelley’s in. So when Charlie asks
her to marry him, it’s all Zak can do to stay professionally schtum. Fragile
but determined, Shelley returns to work behind the bar where she’s doing just
great despite Charlie telling her otherwise. When Betty hears the news
about the upcoming wedding, she has her Les Dawson moment and pulls her cardi
across her chest and says it’ll all end in tears.
Sally’s horrified when Rosie gets nits but when they spread to Chesney and
to Janice she tuts and moans that only common people get nits, until of course,
the whole street knows that the nits came from the Weatherfield Websters.
A drunken, itching Janice tells Sean to shave her hair off. “Are you
sure you want a number one all over?” he says, clippers in hand in Eileen’s
front room. “Yesh!” she repliesh. And there you have it, a bald Battersby
and a squashed-in storyline to cover the fact that the actress has had her
hair shaved off for charity. A brave woman indeed.
With Danny and Frankie away on their hols, Jamie and Leanne make the most
of an empty house and take a sickie off work to spend the day in bed.
But just as Jamie gets amorous when Leanne does the hoovering in her undies
(and it’s amazing how many crumbs you can find in there), Jamie’s mum Carole
turns up at the front door with her bags - and her baggage.
And finally this week, Deirdre’s glasses get nicked by a safari park gibbon
(you couldn’t make this up) and she has to wear one of her old, huge 1970’s
style specs she finds in the loft. Wonderful stuff.
And that’s just about that for this week.
Glenda
By Glenda
Young , writer of
Coronation Street Weekly Updates
for the internet since 1995.