August 1, 2005

This week's update has been written by John Dean while Glenda was on holiday.  Over to John.....

How are the mighty fallen. Last time I was invited to wear one of  Glenda's old frocks and sit on the tasselled cushion of updatingness EastE**ers was on the ropes, its demise was predicted and Corrie was cock of the walk. Now the Queen Vic is once again triumphant and  sitting at the top of the ratings. And Corrie has *become*  E**tenders. You  can't tune into Weatherfield without someone saying  wivout or talkin abaht shahtin or tellin someone to sit dahn ...  interspersed with quaint scenes of Lancashire folk  trying to get on  with their lives.

Like Scooter, preparing to tell the Magistrate that his preservation work with carp is comparable to Gorillas in the Mist. "I did it for  the fish". "Back to the dock, Henry Fonda," is the Magistrate's  riposte. Gail's appearance as a character witness hits the skids  when the Magistrates recollect she was married to Richard  Hillman. "Not such a good judge of character, then?" queries the  beak. "I am now," squeaks the valiant Gail. Guilty. Fined £100. Next.

Meanwhile, Ea***nders reject Nathan is the object of Joanne's  affection (she of the "oh we can't tell them apart" twins). The  Underworld Gels engineer a date for the pair but Joanne fails to  sparkle and Nathan gives up on her.

Poisonous Tracy tries to provoke Steve into hitting her but fails.  (How? All she needed to do was stand still). And she is less than  pleased when Steve tells her the Police are not proceeding with any  charges related to the "Amy kidnap" story. In fact, she's so unhappy  she even puts her teeth away for 30 seconds, allowing me to remove  the sunglasses for a brief respite. Eileen and Bev and his solicitor  advise Steve to keep a cool head and not let Tracy provoke him. "Do  you think I'm the village idiot?" asks Steve. "Well," points out  Eileen, "you DID impregnate Tracy Barlow." And Tracy is now round  the caff warning Roy and Hayley off any idea of supporting Steve if  they want to see Amy again.

Danny's Mum turns up from Walford after the funeral and the Baldwin family have a good old-fashioned Easten**** knees-up round the  breakfast table. Then while she and Mike are having a walk, she  confesses that Mike is Danny's Dad. I mean. Stone the crows. Stand  on me. Hold up. As Penny says, on hearing the news, "Oh no. Not  another one." Although  Mike points out with some poignancy "I've  fathered three sons and I'm no-one's Dad."

At the court hearing over custody of Amy, Tracy insists Steve is not  the father but Steve's brief puts in a telling Perry Mason  question   "If he's not the father, why have you been accepting  money from him?" (Although if it had been me, my answer would have  been "Because he offered and because I wanted it.") The judge  decides the court will accept that Steve is Amy's father. But Tracy  persuades him that Steve has threatened her so he issues an  injunction preventing Steve from having contact with Amy or Tracy  for the next 14 days. Boo!

Sean decides to turn up at the vets to confront Tim with a bunch of daffs, only to see him getting into a car with another bloke whom he kisses. So the good news for Sean is that Tim seems to be gay and the bad news is he seems to be spoken for.

And after all the suspense, the Big Fight is on. Mad Dog Maddocks  floors Ashley "The Butcher" Peacock after Clare has distracted him.  Mad Dog's girl friend (Mad Bitch) calls Clare a lady boy, a tattoo  with a bloke's face behind it sets about Ashley's supporters and a  full scale riot breaks out. The riot police arrive about 30 seconds  after the first chair is thrown (which is good going, even for  Weatherfield) and the story ends with the two boxers in the ring  being the only people who are NOT fighting each other. They agree to  call it a draw.

Oh, and Fred threatens to sack Shelley. Which cheered me up because  it reminded me my spell on duty here didn't involve watching any of  the ridiculous Charlie / Shelley storyline.

John Dean

August 8, 2005

Here I am again with another weekly wotsit saying many thanks to John Dean for writing last week's update while I was on my jollies.  This week has seen London slowly getting back to normal  and I've returned to travelling on the underground to and from  work.  It's not often I sail down the tube station escalators with a smile on my face (unless I'm escalator-surfing but that's more of a giggle than a smile) but I did the other morning  when I spotted an ad on the wall for topper Tunnocks tea-cakes.  It  fair made my day. And so, without any further ado, here we go with  this week's Coronation Street update.

Steve and Tracy take their spat with each other to court, pretending  it's all about custody of Amy and care of their child.  The fella in the middle of the table, is he the magistrate? It's never like this on Judge Judy, anyway, whoever he is he says that as Tracy  won't admit evidence from Steve's DNA test to prove he's Amy's dad, and as she's happily taken £50 a week from Steve since Amy was born, he has to assume that Steve is the dad and  allows him access to his daughter until a further court date in  September.  Later in the Street Steve tries to talk to Tracy but she  throws a wobbly, yells that he's threatening her and runs crying to Deirdre who's in two minds as to whether to believe her psycho  daughter but she knows if she doesn't support her, it'll be the end of playing grandma. Tracy runs back to her solicitor and  Steve is ordered to keep away from Tracy and Amy for 14 days.   Steve knows the only way to get even with Tracy is to play dirty at  her level and later in a packed Rovers he woos her over a pint at  the bar. As she falls for his sweet talk he twists things and tells  her he wants nowt to do  with her and in front of witnesses in the  bar she throws a punch at  him, splitting his lip. He's straight on the phone to the police to  report an assault and Tracy's arrested, cautioned and released in a bad mood.   Steve retreats to  brother Andy's for a few days until things cool down.

Sean gets a job behind the bar of the Rovers and is all a-flutter at  the pumps when Tim the tall vet comes in for a pint. Next day at  work in the factory Sean's all "My Tim this…" and "My Tim that…" but that's nothing compared to the other factory shagnanigans that's gone on this week.  Kelly got to grips with Adam after a night out in town at the weekend and can't wait to tell the girls, and Sean,  at work first thing on  Monday morning. When Mike  finds out he tells  Adam straight:  "Never eat from the same trough as the livestock. You  get your  snout dirty and mud on your feet".  

Fiz falls foul with Kirk at the kennels. He's in his element looking after the puppies: "Say Kirk for Daddy!" and bathing with the dogs but Fiz has had enough especially when Kirk wants her  to take  the puppies to work and keep them warm in her bra.  So when  Kirk's mum calls from Cyprus to say his dad's slipped a discus and needs Kirk there to help at the donkey sanctuary, Fiz is  not best pleased  to be left alone at the kennels.  Will Maria step in to help before Fiz steps in more dog-doo?

At the Rovers, Shelley's still upstairs with her new face hiding old insecurities.  Fred wants Bev to manage the Rovers.  He tells her the place is rudderless, it needs a skipper to steer it as it's veering this way and that. Fred can be quite poetic when he  tries, I say, he could almost be Pam Ayres. 
 "Oh, I wish I'd looked after me pub
The beer and the staff and the grub
Shelley's upstairs in a state
The hot-pot's lost its taste
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me pub"
Anyway, Fred and Bev have dinner at The Clock where Fred does his best to put his assets in her hands and asks her to take over the  Rovers but Bev does her best to get him to give Shelley another  chance.   Old-softy Fred gives in to Bev and says he'll not throw  Shelley out (although if I owned the place she would have been long  out by now) and surprisingly, he didn't ask Bev to marry him while he had a captive audience, although he did admit he were fond.

Talking of being fond, Keith brings Gail a box of fresh veg he's  picked from his garden and offers to plant up her back garden with a  lawn and some shrubs.  David and Sarah joke that Keith's got the  hots for their mother and when he turns up for dinner with a bottle  of wine and freshly picked sweet-peas, Gail starts to wonder just  what his motives are.  When she thinks Keith's making a move, Gail gently but firmly tells him she's not interested. That's when he gently but firmly tells her he's not interested in her  either, it's Audrey he's set his sights on, and he asks her if she  thinks he  stands a fighting chance.  Just what will the  fragrant Mrs Roberts think?

Elsewhere this week on the Street, Emily has a visitor and Norris  isn't happy to have an interloper at the breakfast table disrupting his cosy routine.  And so we meet another new woman on the street, another female name ending in the letter `a', when Freda turns up as Emily's deaf niece - relation to Emily's wonderful nephew Spider as yet unconfirmed.

And finally this week Danny sends Jamie off to Holland and tells  Frankie he's staying overnight in Glasgow at some rag-trade  convention when really he's holed up with Leanne having a mucky  night in a Manchester hotel (I highly recommend this, some of my  best times…. sorry, I digress).  Back to the story, anyway,  Frankie follows Leanne to see what she's up to while her Jamie is  away and rings Danny on his mobile to tell him Leanne has gone into  the hotel and asks him what the best way to flush her out of the  room would be.  He suggests setting off the fire alarm, before he  realises that Frankie is downstairs in the hotel where he's upstairs  with his son's girlfriend.  Frankie sets off the fire  alarm, Danny  stays where he is and Leanne comes downstairs and  gives her a story  about having an interview for a new bar that's  opening in town while  Frankie makes on she was just passing and  came in to see what the  noise was all about.   Leanne heads back to  the room where Danny,  not having had the wisdom of Mike's earlier words, eats with the livestock, gets his snout dirty and has mud on his feet.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda


August 15, 2005

Here we are again with another week gone (and what a nice, sort of triangle shaped one it's been). Next week the update will be wearing pink pyjamas and driving six white horses when it comes a little later than usual.  It’s my birthday next Tuesday and I’m celebrating, oh yes, over two nights and catching up with Corrie and the update when I can.  But hey, that’s next week, what about this week?  Well here it is, in all its glory and with no shame, this week's Coronation Street update.

There are words I like: daffodil, Cinderella, pineapple, compendium, and words I don’t: gazump. To say it your bottom lip sticks out like a chimp, and that’s never a good look, unless you’re under contract with Billy Smart. Anyway, Dev and Sunita are gazumped on the house of their dreams this week. It’s a fair posh one in Salford, it’s even got a name – Meadow View – although the number of meadows to view in Salford remains in dispute at the time of writing.  A house, posh or not, meadow view or nay, is needed somewhat sharpish for the Alahans when they find out Sunita’s expecting twins. Fred Elliot will be in his element when they’re born: “Hallo little baby! I say, hallo little baby!”.  Sunita can’t contain her shock and surprise at the news: “Twins!?!” and Dev can’t contain his delight: “How many boys?”.   Dev offers two-for-one on all baby products in the shop, which might be useful for some, but two-for-one on Tunnocks tea-cakes would be better for all.  Desperate to start nesting, Sunita gazumps the gazumpers (see, it’s that bottom lip thing again) but Dev rages they can’t afford it, not even after selling his share of Streetcars to Lloyd.

It’s almost a done deal and Lloyd’s ready to take over as Steve’s partner in Streetcars.  Kelly flashes her lashes at Lloyd when she finds out there’s more to him than a bag of chips and a scratched Northern Soul tape cassette and the two of them plan a date with a pizza.

The Duckies are due to celebrate their 48th wedding anniversary but things are going wrong in a way they’ve never gone wrong for Jack and Vera before. Vera reads an article in Frankie’s magazine telling her to vent her anger, not bottle it up and Jack does all he can to help in the venting. There are pigeons on the kitchen table, he breaks the hoover and Vera’s beside herself when she finds pigeon poo on her cherished photo of Cousin Charles and Camilla. The Duckies seem intent on destroying the last vestiges of any love left between them and Vera walks out to live in Frankie’s spare room while Jack invites Keith and the lads to celebrate with beer.

Norris clucks around Emily, suspicious and jealous of Freda, blaming her when Emily falls and sprains her ankle.  Emily’s happy to have Freda around although painful memories are brought back as the two of them sit and pore over Emily’s wedding photos and she ends up in tears.  When Norris sees Emily upset, he bites Freda’s ankles, starts yapping and growls at her to leave them alone.

Liz is introduced to Bob’s mother who gives her the once-over and asks her son: “Where’d you get her from then? Rent-a-tart?”.  Much apologising later, Bob asks Liz to go on another date and tells her he’s into photography, admiring the greats like Cecil Beaton and er, Helmut Newton.  (I never realised what a great actress Beverley Callard was until I saw her in Two Pints of Lager, but I think she’s fantastic in Corrie these days).   Anyway, off she goes to Bob’s flat to have her photograph taken in the style, she thinks, of Cecil Beaton – all sharp style and big hats.  But it’s in the style of the other fella, Helmut, he wants to shoot Liz and in her ignorance she’s quite keen, until he brings out a saddle from the bottom of his wardrobe. “Do you want me to sit on that?” she asks him, confused. “No, I was rather hoping you’d wear it,” he replies.  Now, for those unfamiliar with Helmut Newton’s work, well, they’re the sort of photos the big Sunday supplements print and defend as art while anyone with half a brain recognises it for what it is, a mucky old bloke getting his kicks by humiliating women.  Liz is straight out of there and goes to see Bev where they have a bit of a giggle about being in a stable relationship with My Little Pony until Bob rings Liz on the mobile.  Bev gets her to persuade Bob to come to the flat and when he turns up there all sorry for himself, the two of them peck at him in a way I’ve seen two magpies knock a pigeon senseless at the bottom of our garden.  Liz tells Bob: “You can stick your long lens where the sun don’t shine” and with that, he galloped away into the sunset, last seen high on a hill in a Salford meadow.

Shelly tries again to get back to work and gets glitzed up in her best blinging clothes for an afternoon session in the bar.  Charlie tells her she’s a bit over-dressed and it’s true she is, looking more like she’s going to a Licensed Victuallers do… and just where is Stella Rigby these days?. Anyway, she doesn’t make it downstairs just yet.  She might have new eyes but she still can’t see what’s going on and Charlie takes full advantage. After hours, Shelly’s nipped-and-tucked-up in bed, Charlie’s downstairs with some floozy in the back room who’s feeling a bit warm so he’s helping her remove all her clothes. Shelly comes downstairs to the bar and catches Charlie at it.  Does she throw him out? Does she heck as like, she doesn’t even throw a tantrum.  He says he’ll leave in the morning, she asks him to marry her.  He says no, blames her for everything, she simpers and cries and says he can’t go.  Oh, for goodness sake.

Working behind the bar of the Rovers for as long as she’s done so, Betty has seen a thing or two and I refuse to believe that her character wouldn’t know that Sean is gay. Her little asides about him finding the right girl have fallen flat in our house anyway.  Never mind, Sean’s deep in Love with Tim and reckons he’s the One. But when they’re out one night for pizza some bloke called Lee turns up, spoils the night and turns Sean’s world upside down. It looks like Lee and Tim are very much a couple and Tim has lied to Sean.

And finally this week, Phil the reflexologist starts work at the health centre and it’s daggers drawn as both Gail and Eileen get the hots for the man with the healing hands.  Just whose bunions will he squeeze first?

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda


August 22, 2005

Calm down dear, it's only the weekly update.   I bring you the update today on my birthday, eating birthday chocolates and wearing
birthday pants.  I used to have an hour-glass figure, until the sands of time all dropped to the bottom, so  I might have to lay off the chocolates soon or the birthday pants might need elastic panel reinforcement.  But anyway, enough about me, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Jack's home alone when Vera swans off to Southport in a taxi and a huff.  While she's away, Tyrone titivates the house wearing Vera's pinny while Jack slobs on the sofa in a beer-and-gravy stained vest.  It doesn't take long for Jack to realise he's no good without his other half: "She's like smoking, a hard habit to break"  and off he goes to the seaside to find his little swamp duck, Vee.  After a long talk on the pier where long-
forgotten, tender moments are recalled, the Duckies walk hand in hand to the Shangri-La B&B for a bit of how's-your-father and chips with mushy peas.

Freda leaves after Norris spits that that she's doing Emily no good by sticking around. Emily defends her niece and loses her temper with Norris - hang on,  I'll say that again, Emily loses her temper - but Freda takes Norris' words to heart and gets wheeled away on the Weatherfield Wanderer.  At work in the Kabin, Norris isn't best pleased when Rita takes herself upstairs for a short break, but he's beside himself with grief when he goes up to check on her later and finds her lying on the sofa, one arm dangling loose, mouth open, dead.  Dead?  I nearly choked on my Tunnocks caramel wafer.  Fear not, dear reader, for Norris was wrong, Rita was alive and well and startled the gathered throng in her living room when she woke from her nap.  Norris had dragged Blanche, Jack and Sally up there to pay their respects to the dearly departed.  "But I couldn't feel a  pulse" Norris cries in his defence. "I'm not surprised" says Blanche. ".. under all that make-up".   Rita's close shave with  death brings Norris' own mortality into sharp focus and he wonders, in the most unsentimental way possible, what he'd do without Rita. He's living in Emily's back room, working in the front of Rita's shop, he has no pension, no family, no reason to go on working in the Kabin if Rita isn't going to make him a partner in the business and there's no reason why she should  although he selfishly deems  this unfair. So, at 65 years old, Norris starts job-hunting and asks Rita for a reference which she gives to him in a sealed envelope. He opens it, of course, re-drafts it, corrects her punctuation and gets her to sign it.

Gail and Eileen have set their sights on the Street's newest single bloke, Phil-the-foot, reflexologist of the parish.  When Eileen tries to book an appointment to have balm rubbed on her bunions, Gail lies that he's fully booked so Eileen books a home visit. Then Gail squeezes in a home visit before he sees Eileen.  He caresses corns for both women in the same evening, seemingly oblivious to the charms of either of them while the two of them prepare to battle for the toe-twiddler's affection. "I'm surprised he touched your feet after he saw the state of your net curtains" hisses Gail across the Rovers to Eileen.  When Gail spies Phil-the-foot's car outside Eileen's house she assumes he stayed there overnight (he hasn't but Eileen does nothing to disabuse Gail of the idea) and complains to the Health Centre manager that his newest member of staff is carrying on shamelessly, nay, unethically with one of his patients.

Charlie pays a psychotherapist to visit Shelley in the Rovers and Zak turns up with the sort of deep gravely voice you'd want to read you a story in bed, although nothing too scary perhaps.  In their first session Zak does wonders with Shelley and returns with relaxation tapes for her later that evening.  Zak's visit makes Charlie insecure and  he assumes Zak and Shelley have been talking about him in their session so he decides to sack Zak until he sees the breakthrough that's been made with Shelley and he changes his mind.  This week Zak gave Shelley confidence enough to put out the rubbish bin. Let's hope it won't be long before she throws out the rubbish bloke.

Elsewhere this week, Audrey invites Keith on a date and gets all dolled up and excited when he says he'll take her for lunch. When they end up in the Rovers, Audrey's face trips her up, she was wanting a little more than being gossip fodder for Vera and Blanche in her local.  Never mind, they agree to another date and this time Keith offers to take her for dinner and says he'll meet her in the Rovers at 5.15 sharp. He might grow big onions, he might be able to stuff a rabbit at 15 paces and provide a solid base for his emotionally scarred grandson but Audrey's starting to realise that romantic he ain't.  "You remind me of Grace Kelly" he tells her "before the car crash, of course".

And that's just about that for this week. Now then, back to the chocolates.

Glenda

August 29, 2005

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. Many thanks to those of you who sent birthday greetings from the four corners of the world and from that fuzzy bit round the edge, all were gratefully received.   And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Cilla and Yana (Viz’s Fat Slags writ large) go shopping in town to try on wedding dresses and bridesmaid frocks.  The posh shop lady can barely hide her disdain as the pair of them come out of the changing room in gowns covered in ruffles, fluffy bits and things that dangle, sparkle and possibly vibrate.  Cilla tells Les she wants a decent engagement ring - but how’s he going to buy one when he’s stony broke?   He hatches a plan and troops down to the cop shop, tells the rozzer at the desk he’s lost a ring and wonders if any have been handed in. The copper takes the details and shows Les a tray of rings to identify the one he’s ‘lost’. But the ring that Les picks has been stolen and the copper has already run Les’ details through the system and knows he’s got form, done time, and stirred a bit of porridge. Cilla’s dragged to the station to give Les an alibi and an ear-bashing and demands, again, a decent, proper ring.  Where he finds the money we’re never quite told but a ring he does get, with a receipt, and then he’s dragged to the Rovers by Yana.   And there, on his 50th birthday, Les gets down on one knee to propose passionately in a public house.

Steve returns from Spain looking as tense and pasty-faced as he did before he left.  He looks about as relaxed as if he’d spent his siesta sessions
poring over hard sums and long division.  When he finds out that Dev’s sold his share of Streetcars to Lloyd, it adds to a growing list of  worries which include a hefty solicitor’s bill, notification of the court date against Tracy for Amy, and to top things off nicely, a letter from Karen’s solicitor to say she wants the telly back.  Liz, a woman made over by reality TV show ‘Pimp My Clothes’, offers some support to her son.

Phil the foot feeler doesn’t find it funny that Gail’s told tales about him to the Health Centre manager. He has a go at Gail in the street about keeping her nose out of other people’s bunions.  Notwithstanding, and that’s a word I don’t use very often in the updates, he does end up agreeing to go out with Gail on a date. She simpers when he accepts.

Lloyd wonders what secrets Kelly’s hiding after they go on their first date. As they leave The Clock restaurant, a homeless woman sheltering in a shop doorway recognises Kelly: “I see you’ve got what you always wanted then,” she says to Kelly.  Anyway, it turns out that Kelly’s also done time for a spot of shop-lifting but she tells Lloyd those days are long behind her now.

Keith and Audrey also go on their first date this week when he takes her out for a meal.  Not one to splash the cash, he’s distraught at missing the early-bird special and says he’ll nibble breadsticks as Audrey peruses the more expensive end of the menu.  Audrey’s yet to discover why Keith is so frugal but enjoys herself greatly with him on a Bank Holiday fishing trip where she gets muddy in wellies and lets her hair down.

Adam passes his driving test and granddad Ken gives him £500 towards a new car.  Candice, much taken with the underwear heir, accompanies him to the car auction where he buys an old banger that breaks down on the way home. “You are so dumped” she tells him before storming home on the bus.  Ken’s not too happy to hear Adam’s wasted the money but there’s even more bad vibes heading Ken-wards when Mike undermines him completely and buys the lad a sports car. “You are so un-dumped” Candice says, but in an even less subtle way.

Shelley makes sterling progress with Zak the psychotherapist who knows it’s Charlie to blame for the state that Shelley’s in.  So when Charlie asks her to marry him, it’s all Zak can do to stay professionally schtum. Fragile but determined, Shelley returns to work behind the bar where she’s doing just great despite Charlie telling her otherwise.  When Betty hears the news about the upcoming wedding, she has her Les Dawson moment and pulls her cardi across her chest and says it’ll all end in tears.

Sally’s horrified when Rosie gets nits but when they spread to Chesney and to Janice she tuts and moans that only common people get nits, until of course, the whole street knows that the nits came from the Weatherfield Websters.  A drunken, itching Janice tells Sean to shave her hair off.  “Are you sure you want a number one all over?” he says, clippers in hand in Eileen’s front room. “Yesh!” she repliesh.  And there you have it, a bald Battersby and a squashed-in storyline to cover the fact that the actress has had her hair shaved off for charity.  A brave woman indeed.

With Danny and Frankie away on their hols, Jamie and Leanne make the most of an empty house and take a sickie off work to spend the day in bed.  But just as Jamie gets amorous when Leanne does the hoovering in her undies (and it’s amazing how many crumbs you can find in there), Jamie’s mum Carole turns up at the front door with her bags - and her baggage.

And finally this week, Deirdre’s glasses get nicked by a safari park gibbon (you couldn’t make this up) and she has to wear one of her old, huge 1970’s style specs she finds in the loft.  Wonderful stuff.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda

By Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.



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