Greetings
and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder plopping through your box
and waking you up. Next week, HMS Weekly Update will be in the very
capable hands of captain Jolly John Dean and his mad parrott. I'm off on
me jollies and have just packed some tea bags because as we all know, they
just can't make a decent cuppa over there (yes, I'm off to Skegness). So I'll
see you the week after next and as I wave goodbye for now I give a hearty
thankyou to John Dean for looking after things next week.
If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie stuff, have
a look at :
http://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com
Danny and Frankie receive their decree absolute, a piece of paper which
dissolves their marriage completley and utterly although there's no dimming
the flames of desire that flicker in Danny's heart for his ex-missus.
You can tell this from the way he mopes on the cobbles every time
Frankie's in camera shot. Just when Danny's braced himself to say something
to her, he notices the bedroom light go on in his old house, looks up and
sees Nathan and Frankie up there, she's probably showing Nathan the copy
of Auto Trader she keeps under her mattress. Or something.
Danny's got more problems when Les moves in with him and Leanne - but
let me backtrack just a little. For this was the week that Janice Batteresby
left the street (although she'll be back, which I'm very happy about. I
thought Janice had been under-used for some time and would love to see
her return to her original feisty, and let's face it, more attractive,
self). Anyway, Janice has been sacked from the factory, her mates
are snubbing her and she ends up sleeping with Les while Cilla's at work
in the chippy. "I was depressed" says Janice in her defence to Leanne about
sleeping with Les. "Or at least if I wasn't before, then I am now!".
Janice then has a fight in the Rovers with Sally as Jack bets Fred money
on the winner - terrier or bulldog? "Terrier always wins" says Jack,
and Sally did, leaving Janice with a bloody nose. She decides
to leave to go to stay with Toyah and in one of the most undignified exits
the Street's seen in a long time, she waits for the bus with her worldy belongings
in two Freshco carrier bags and an old battered suitcase. Fiz comes to see
her off and the two of them hug with tears in their eyes and just when it
was getting all emotional like, Janice drops her one and only decent possession
- China Sheryl - to the cobbles and it smashes to pieces before she gets
on the bus and leaves.
So anyway, of course Cilla finds out that Les has slept with Janice
and she's really upset and not in a good way. Too distraught to even slap
on her slap, a tearful Cilla throws Les out of the house. He stays with Danny
and Leanne until they throw him out too and Les ends up sleeping in his
cab, with Chesney and Kirk popping in to watch the football with him.
Over at the Barlows, Tracy has the decency to feel a twinge of guilt
over leaving Amy at home while she goes on her jollies with Charlie.
She sheds a few tears in the privacy of the ladies loo at the Rovers and
Charlie can see she's genuinely upset so suggests that when they return
from their hols, they let Amy into their lives a bit more. Yeah,
right.
Sally's a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Is it her age?
Is this what happens to women in a mid-life crisis? Do I have this all to
come? Oh no! One minute she were face down in the paperclips on her office
desk with a creepy car salesman boss and the next she's driving like a
loony through red lights with her daughter locked in the car. Yes,
Sally went doolally when she saw Rosie and Craig kissing by the Kabin.
She bundled Rosie into the car and sped off to the moors, paying no heed
to speed-limits, traffic lights, hysterical shrieks from her daughter.
Kevin sped behind in his truck, equipped for all sorts of breakdowns and
does what he can to help Sally with hers. As Sally's car skids off the road
on a desolate moor, a tearful Rosie hugs Kevin who's come to the rescue.
"I'm lost" says a weepy Sally with a far away look in her eye, the kind of
lost that the A-Z of Greater Manchester will do little to help. Back
home after tears, Rosie tells Sally she'll finish with Craig if it'll stop
her mum going of the rails but Sally realises she's in the wrong and tells
her daughter to "Stay Close, Stay Safe" and I was expecting her to finish
those words of advice off with "Think Once, Think Twice, Think Bike" but
she didn't.
Roy continues to undermine his relationship with Hayley by spending
more time with Clifford. Is he too polite to tell Clifford to get lost?
Where do Roy's priorities lie? Hayley has to go off to spend time with
a sick uncle and Roy's left alone with Clifford and the trains, much to Vera's
disappointment who tells Roy she thought he was different and now she finds
out he's as unreliable as the rest of 'em.
Dr Matt the too-tall doctor stalks Claire and little Josh at the nursery
and then suprises Ashley by the lamb shanks. Matt tells Ash he wants his
son back and Ashley gets all upset and starts shouting at Claire.
I think this one's going to run for a bit, probably involving more shouting,
more stalking, a bit of crying, etc.
Emily does her best to cope with her feelings and is heartened when
great-neice Freda turns up. Where's Spider then? He hasn't even called
his Aunty Em to see how she is, shame on him. Anyway, Freda persuades
Emily to go to church but Ed walks in so Emily runs out and Freda ends up
pelting the fella with gravel from the churchyard. A concerned Norris
witters on and on so Emily throws him out of the house and back to Rita's
flat.
And over at Underworld, Kelly's mate Becky from the bad old days ends
up working as the factory cleaner. Kelly's trying to keep her past
quiet from the girls at the factory but Becky's not so discrete. "I'd rather
they think we were school-mates, not cell-mates" Kelly tells her.
And that's just about that for this week. John Dean will be here
next week. Adios! Or, as we say in Skegness - "Can you make it again
but this time with boiling water?"
Glenda
March 13, 2006
This week's update written by
John Dean as Glenda is on holiday.
If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie
stuff, have a look at :
http://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com
Our scene opens on Les (or "my former husband" as Cilla likes to call
him now) asleep in his cab. Would you imagine that even a totally
incompetent actor could produce a reasonable version of "being asleep"?
Shows how wrong you can be. Once awake, Les volunteers to crawl over
the cobbles on his hands and knees to show how sorry he is. "Across
the street or down?" asks Kirk. "Across should be enough." So, not
THAT sorry then. Cilla is all in favour though Yana wonders "What's
the POINT?". And Cilla relents when Chesney throws himself on Les like
Pocahontas on Captain Smith and begs for him. I notice, by the by,
that the evil clan are now known as "Battersby-Brown" in the credits,
even Chesney. What's that all about? You don't find David Platt calling
himself David Potter-Tilsley-Platt-Hillman-Nail. Or RTracy going by
RTracy Hunt-Langton-Barlow-Rachid-Barlow.
Rursie Webster begins to discover what men are like when she tells Craig
how she was affected by Sally's breakdown on t'moors and Craig responds
"So, your Mum's gone mental and you're gonna dump me?" lacking only
the subtlety of "Fancy a last **** before you go?" So off goes
Rursie to tell Sally what a fabulous Mum she is (Sally, not Rursie.
The teenage pregnancy storyline is not due for a re-run just yet).
And Emily is moping in a dressing gown when Norris & Rita call to
cheer her up. "She looks a lot better, doesn't she?" cries Norris
cheerfully.
of which Rita's opinion is "No, not really."
Ashley and Clur meet the Too Tall Doc Matt Ramsden and his new wife
in a motorway service station. (Nice touch to have football managers in
the background passing each other brown envelopes.) Doc wants to
see Joshua regularly (though there's no explanation of what they
might tell Josh is happening). Ash is OK at first but quickly blows
up, not caring if Matt takes him to Court, arranges DNA tests or
grows another six inches.
Emily has a chat with the Vicar about forgiveness. The Vicar knows a
website Emily could log on to but in the end she chooses analogue
and goes to see Ed because the Vicar has hinted Ed might be thinking
of suicide. Which, it turns out, he is. On condition that he drops
that idea, Emily forgives him and even gives him Ernest's old camera
so he can send a photo every year in a Christmas Card so she knows he's
still alive.
When her friends want to know where she's been, Emily says "Damascus"
which Norris wants to know "Is that the Greek place in the precinct?"
Very finely acted scenes from Eileen Darbyshire - showing what she's
capable of if she gets a decent story line.
Gail gets a further card from "Richard Hillman". Phil practically accuses
David who says he still has nightmares about the whole thing which
Gail says she didn't realise. One wonders why not. But Audrey reminds
Gail that she identified Hillman's body.
Meantime Jamie has to go over to Spain to bring Mike back. He's in a
right state. First off, he's had his hair cut brutally short which
is what male actors do when they're suppose to look as if they're
going through a great trauma (the corresponding thing for the women is to
shoot their scenes without make-up). Though, to be fair, Johnny Briggs
is turning in a good performance here after spending 30 years breezing
through the Mike Baldwin smile / snarl / punch someone / have a drink
/ smile / snarl routine.
Mike's had a stroke and his Alzheimer's is in full raging flow. Hands
up who had Penny in the 'First one to be asked "Who are you?" lottery.'
And hands up those who had 3 minutes 17 seconds for the first "Where's
Alma?" He ends up wandering around Salford Quays in his pyjamas ("What
those Quays were doing in my pyjamas I'll never know") and talking
to an imaginary Alma while Penny is wailing "It isn't fair" and Leanne
is wailing "Why have I got to be the one who looks after him?" and
Audrey and Ken and Deirdre (especially Deirdre) are shocked that Mike
no longer recognizes them. Which sets Audrey thinking about
going for retirement while she's still fit enough to enjoy it. Which
sets Maria thinking about taking over the salon. Which sets ... oh,
you get the idea. Jamie is all eager to step forward and tells Danny "We'll
help." on behalf of himself and his Mum. But Frankie's view on that
is "Well, no." She's not with Danny any more (she's with Nathan) so
Mike's nothing to do with her. (Is she bothered about her son's granddad?
Does she look bothered? Is that face bothered?) It's Leanne's job
to lend a hand as far as Frank's concerned. The sound of chickens roosting
is audible as Danny's face falls. But it turns out Leanne DOES have
a helpful idea - that Danny should get Mike to sign a Power of Attorney
so Danny and Leanne can take over the business.
And Doc Ramsden and the new wife sneak into Ashley's garden to get hold
of Josh and have to be driven out by Ash waving a garden fork. Audrey
tells Matt he should leave all this in the past. "What, dead and
buried like Maxine?" he asks. Couldn't you smack him?
And Kelly's friend (whose name I can't remember - I can only just remember
Kelly's name) is turning into the archetypal SWF stalker - starting
to dress like Kelly, behave like Kelly, drink the same drink as Kelly.
Scary. Not.
And allow me to leave you with a thought from Roy Cropper: "You will
never find a peony next to a crocus."
Tatty Bye
John Dean
Here I am back from me jollies with another Corrie
weekly update. Many thanks to John Dean for last week’s sterling update,
it’s always a real treat for me to read someone else’s weekly update and I
particularly enjoy reading John’s, it always makes me smile. Next week
the update will be brought to you by Lovely Jack. I can’t say any more
than that but you’re in for a treat. I’m more excited than a woman
of my age should be that this particular person has finally said yes to a
great deal of coaxing over the years to write a weekly update. But for this
week, it’s me with a few words written in a way I hope you will enjoy.
As you know, the weekly update comes to you by email each week without the
special effects of iPods, vPods or peapods, no digi box, tivo, or Il Divo,
no pico or Chico, no webcast, no Skyplus, we don’t blog or spod, there’s
no satellite link and no red button to press. Just put your feet up, put
the kettle on and relax with a few words from life on the cobbles this week.
If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie stuff, have
a look at :
http://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com
Fiz is fed-up and feels there must be more to life than pants and canoodling
with Kirk. The girl wants excitement and freedom, independence and
danger. Sounds to me like she’s in the wrong soap, then. Any
woman wanting anything more than what they’ve got within the confines of
the cobbles can mean only one thing, they have to leave Weatherfield to find
what their heart harks for. I refer the honourable readers of the jury to
Angie Freeman, Toyah Battersby and Raquel Watts as exhibits A, B and 34C.
Roy thinks he can help Fiz, in fact he’s been a complete star this week with
the Weatherfield women while Hayley’s away tending to a sick uncle.
In Hayley’s absence, Roy’s become the confidante of the cobbles offering
advice, sympathy and a well cooked bacon barm to Fiz, Eileen and Audrey -
but more of them later. For now, Fiz seems content to book up for a
kick-boxing class in the local community hall. Oooh, it’s just like
Billy Elliot when he dance-kicked his way around the confines of his working-class
back yard in Easington before hitting it big on the stage in the West End.
Maybe there’s hope for Fiz after all? She did come to the cobbles with
her heart set on being a knicker designer before settling behind the Singer.
Have her dreams really been dulled by years of drinking cheap lager in the
Rovers and running up gussets in Underworld for the Norwegian army?
Ashley’s hurt and confused by the too-tall Doctor Matt’s intrusion into
his life and so he decides to take a mature approach to handling the situation.
First he loses his temper with poor Clare, driving her blood pressure sky
high so she has to be kept in th’ospickle overnight and then he tells her
they’re running away to Scotland to escape the evil clutches of Josh’s
real dad. After a bit of a talking to from Bev and Fred about
the merits of moving to Mull, Ashley mulls it over (see what I did there?)
and decides to stay on the cobbles and fight for his son which means that
Clare’s wasted three days of kissing and cuddling all her mates goodbye.
Seems to me that Ashley’s got two options here. He can either 1) hire a
solicitor or 2) hire a step ladder so he can see the whites of Matt’s eyes
as he sticks the nut on him. And he doesn’t need to go to Scotland to find
out how to give a good Glasgow kiss.
Danny and Leanne do their best to keep tabs on Mike but it’s difficult
when he keeps disappearing from the flat and walking about, confused on
the cobbles. Leanne’s (real-life) pregnancy is becoming increasingly
difficult for the Corrie crew to hide behind lampshades and bottle-tops
in Mike’s flat and Danny’s obviously been so busy with his dear old dad that
he’s not had time to notice his girlfriend’s up the duff and in the club.
Anyway, Mike and Danny go to the solicitor who gives Danny power of attorney
- which always sounds to me like it should be an aftershave – “Power of Attorney,
for men who take control”. Mike’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s although
he has his lucid moments when he knows Leanne for the scheming little trollop
she is – and moments when he thinks she’s some piece of young fluff he’s
brought home after a night out on the tiles. “Oi, No!” she yells at Mike
in much the same way she really ought to have done when Danny made the same
move on her some months ago: “I’m your son’s girlfriend!”
Audrey’s another one who’s feeling fraught about the future. After seeing
her old mate Mike going downhill with dementia, she’s determined to see
out the autumn of her life someplace exciting. (I hear Rosamund Street’s
nice this time of year). She starts talking about selling the salon
and Maria’s ears perk up, or at least something perked up underneath that
hairdo, it could have been Tyrone’s dog Monica she’s keeping in there, who
knows? Maria wants Kirk to sell her his share of the kennels to raise
cash for Maria to buy the salon. Before he goes to the bank, Maria impresses
on her brother the importance of it all: “Diversify or Die” she tells him.
A message which he takes to the bank manager: “Diversify..” he tells him
“Or you die!” Needless to say, Kirk doesn’t get the loan but Tyrone
returns to Maria her share of their wedding fund which she uses as a gesture
of goodwill for Audrey’s sinks and shampoos.
And finally this week, Tracy and Charlie return from their jollies and
Tracy puts her pregnancy plan into action. She makes out she’s taken a
pregnancy test and leaves the box in the flat where Charlie can see it.
Anyway, Charlie doesn’t want kids and tells Tracy she’ll have to have an
abortion, which he’ll pay for. She makes on like she’s all upset and
everything and he’s too dim to be able to tell real emotion from fake although
mind you, Tracy Barlow isn’t the best judge of that either. The two of these
dimwits trying to outwit each other is wonderful stuff, they’re two right
nasty pieces of work. Tracy agrees to the “abortion” for the sake
of their relationship, will take his money and buy shoes and then pretend
she’s had the op while all the time formulating a plan to get Charlie to
accept Amy into their lives and his flat.
And that’s just about that for this week. Remember, next week it’s
Lovely Jack.
Glenda
March 27, 2006
This week's update written by Jack Lovely.
If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie stuff,
have a look at :
http://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com
The last time I wrote a Coronation Street review it was July 1997.
In those days my updates were strewn with the names of people like
Maxine, Percy Sugden and Natalie. A new `common family', the Battersbys
had just moved into the Street. It was Janice Battersby who sapped
my will to write any more updates. What a horrible little imp she was.
Her poisonous red face, permanently contorted in frustration and rage,
scared me. Fortunately, all it took was for insane social climber Sally
Webster to have a rare moment of lucidity and punch Janice in the face.
Minutes later, she was boarding a bus, clutching her only possession (the
broken shards of a tacky china doll (probably from Argos)), never ever to
return.
Let's hope so. Now she's gone, perhaps it's safe again for me to write
a review.
Tracy is still conning Charlie that she is pregnant, in a complicated
scheme to get Charlie to accept baby Amy to live with them.
All I can say is, thank god she ISN'T pregnant because with all that
evil DNA around, the baby would be born with a 666 on its forehead
and everyone around it would start dying in horrific `accidents' within
a few years. Charlie gives Tracy some money for an abortion, but she instead
goes to a swanky bit of
Manchester and buys a pair of shoes with the pointiest toes you've ever
seen (seriously, they look like two pencils). Unfortunately she
bumps into her `frenemy', ex-gangster's moll, Ronnie. The pair encircle
each other and exchange awkward pleasantries (now that Steve McDonald is
suffering from male pattern baldness syndrome, Tracy's managed to let go
of a lot of her jealousy). She gets Ronnie to promise she won't tell Charlie
she bought shoes. The next day she acts depressed, telling Charlie she's
already lost one baby and she can't lose another. She voices everyone's opinion
by saying that they're bad for each other and should split up. The lighting
in Charlie's flat casts everything in an evil red glow, and for a
minute, it looks like they're in HELL. Charlie eventually gives in and
lets Amy move back in on probation. Round one to Tracy. But if she's such
a good mother, how come she hasn't noticed that her daughter's been played
by a totally different child actress with a new hairstyle?
Later on, Tracy manages to convince Deirdre and Ken to look after Amy
so she can take Charlie for a night out. Where will they go? The much-used
"Clock"? No, just The Rovers, where their evening is somewhat spoilt by Ronnie
and Steve. Steve is miserable because Amy is now living in The House of
Evil and Ronnie decides to stir things up further by befriending Charlie and
Tracy (she really does have an appetite for trouble). They all end up back
at Charlie's flat somehow, and it starts looking like a disturbing enactment
of Who's Afraid of Tracy Barlow, where everyone has an agenda and only one
of them will get out alive. Ronnie flirts shamelessly with Charlie and then
rejects him when he says he fancies her, while Tracy and Steve play Mummy
and Daddy in Amy's bedroom. This all got a bit confusing and I wasn't able
to understand anyone's motivation – but Steve really needs to find a normal
girlfriend (although after Tracy, Karen and Ronnie, he could do a lot worse
than Kelly's SWF friend.)
Dreary Sarah Platt (who like everyone in her family, is a very difficult
person to like), is still brimming over with rage and jealousy because Jason
talked to Violet. Last week they had a fight in the Rovers and Sarah poured
a drink over Jason. This week, they have a fight in the Rovers and Sarah
pours a drink over Jason. Maybe they got the wrong script to read. Why anyone
would fight over him is beyond me. He can't talk intelligently about art.
He's day-glow orange. Who could love someone like that? Jason decides that
the only way to get Sarah back is to propose to her. He breaks into Sarah's
house and pops the question. Despite the fact that she's spent ages hating
him, she says "OK", like he just asked her if she fancied a bag of chips.
Predictably, their mothers are not pleased. Gail responds by whining, sniping
and snorting, whereas Eileen reacts with comedy violence, while blurting out
the next 6 months of their storyline: "He'll propose to Violet and dump you
etc…" Still, nothing can spoil Sarah's triumph when she gets to announce the
engagement in the Rovers, right in front of Violet. It looks like Eileen might
be right though, as immediately afterwards, Jason tells Violet "You look
nice." Violet decides to leave with Jamie and Sean, who casts a withering
knowing look at Jason on the way out. Sean strikes it lucky on their night
out and comes back 24 hours later, waxing extremely lyrical about some hunk
called Chris. Violet and Eileen simply raise their eyebrows and get ready
for the inevitable emotional meltdown.
Audreh is still vacillating over whether to sell the salon. But when Keith
turns up with a fishing rod and predictions of how much fun they'll have
caravanning, she decides to stay on, much to Maria's chagrin. Later, during
a Mother's Day dinner, she reveals to Gail that she received another one of
those stalker Richard Hillman cards. Audreh suspects Phil and gives him the
cold shoulder. Phil finds out what's going on from David, who seems to have
had an amazing growth spurt this week and now towers over everyone. There's
yet another tense family dinner where Phil confronts Gail about the card.
It all goes a bit disastrous for him though as David goads him into losing
his temper once again (the Phil-David scenes have a somewhat sado-masochistic
subtext for ITV prime viewing, don't you
think readers?). Gail is horrified and throws Phil out. However, once
Phil realises that without Gail he will have no storyline and be possibly
even written out, he starts stalking the house, shouting "Gay-el! Gay-el!"
Meanwhile inside, Gail confesses what we've already known for so long –
she's stupid, can't look after her own family, she will never learn and
deserves everything she gets. Finally!
Mike is still in a world of his own (circa 1978), looking at hideous photos
of Deirdre and talking about names from the past (that should have been left
forgotten) like Len, Rita and Eddie Yates. Leeanne can't cope and goes out
for a shopping spree, leaving Deirdre in charge. The pair perform a "romantic"
dance to Dusty Springfield's The Look of Love, while Deirdre sobs and Mike
drools on her. The tragic potential of this scene is somewhat spoilt though
by the fact that a) Deirdre is a good 3 ft taller than Mike and b) she is
wearing some of the most ridiculous jewellery ever seen on Coronation Street,
and that includes the perennial fashion crimes of Vera Duckworth and Rita
Fairclough. I wouldn't be surprised if she was caught scavenging around
in a skip full of rejects, at the back of the QVC building. Later, Mike
thinks Leeanne is one of his old girlfriends and takes her out to buy her
some decent (ie. non-tarty) clothes. But then he forgets and thinks that
Leeanne and Danny have been stealing money from him. Danny isn't impressed
with Leeanne and tells her not to try that little trick again.
The next day, Mike is having a "good day" so he accompanies Danny and
Jamie on a tour of a nursing home. Mike seems to be having a good time of
it, but Jamie gets a bit teary and has to go and sit in the car (he's such
a sensitive poppet). Later on, Mike can't remember who Penny is (well to
be honest, neither can I most of the time) and the scene ends with him throwing
a photo album across the room. Danny, Leeanne, Jamie and Frankie have a heated
debate about what should happen to Mike, but none of them are able to reach
any sort of agreement. Don't worry, he'll die soon and you can all fight
over his money.
In other news, Shelly messes up the Rovers staffing schedule (yes, they
really had a storyline about this), and Fred gives the task to Bev. Shelly
starts to get paranoid that she'll lose her power, and a chat with Fred
does little to persuade her otherwise. This is a simply thrilling plot and
I can't wait to see what happens. Or something.
Kelly randomly steps on Norris's foot while texting Sean, and Norris goes
off on one of his petty rants at her. However, Kelly's SWF friend is never
far behind, and she later gives Norris a `formal warning', to leave Kelly
alone. Except this being the SWF, Norris will probably turn up at the bottom
of the canal.
And Vernon (of the baggy eyes) is back from his tour. Liz (doing her best
14 year old girl impression), is so excited to have him back that she lends
him money, buys him drinks and then allows him to move into Steve's flat.
I think we can all predict the sorry car-crash of a storyline that this is
heading into. Who was it who said "There's no fool like Liz McDonald…"? I
think that would be everyone.
All my love. Jack Lovely.
