May 1, 2006

Greetings, hello and come on in to another weekly update. Take your coat off, undo your corset and let the wobbly bits settle. And so, without any further ado, here we go again with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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Audrey’s angry and angsty, life’s just not fair. She’s stuck with auld Archie who wants to whisk her away on a charabanc with the over 60’s “You’ll be needing sensible shoes” he tells her, something Audrey has never had in her life.  At the age of over 60, Audrey realised she’d never ride through the streets of Weatherfield with the warm wind in her hair. (With apologies to Marianne Faithfull).  Audrey’s old mate, Saint Rita of the red-heads is the one being driven around with the wind in her wrinkles as Archie whisks her off to the theatre to see Ladyboys of Bangkok.  “What exactly is a ladyboy?” asks Emily to Norris who knows full well but isn’t likely to tell her.  Anyway, Audrey dumped Keith this week and turned desperately jealous of Rita and her friendship with th’undertaker. Norris isn’t best pleased about the new arrangement and complains that Rita “keeps fanning herself with The People’s Friend” now she’s got the aura and the look of love about her.

Gail pulls a sickie from work, gets some sleeping pills and turns desperately paranoid. This business with the Hillman cards is taking its toll and she’s started having nightmares. She even thinks everyone on the street is talking about her. Strangely enough, they are.

Craig cooks dinner for Rosie at home while she recovers from being run over, which meets with much approval from Sally and Kev. He even stops being a Goth and turns up to see Rosie in a woolly pullover sans eye liner and blush. Rosie isn’t best pleased and gets on the phone to her mates, ignoring the new look Craig.  “To be honest, I couldn’t afford the make-up” he tells her in his defence at going normal. 

Danny and Frankie start to discuss a divorce settlement. Over a drink in the Rovers he offers her fifty grand. “He’s offered her fifty grand” whispers Sean to Violet who’s straight on the phone to Jamie at home.  Leanne reckons she’s the Big I Am now she’s Danny’s PA in the factory and lords it over the girls, with her ever expanding pregnant tum poorly hidden behind as many props as possible. She’s going to need a bigger handbag ‘cos the one she’s using now just isn’t big enough to cover that bump.  But while Leanne thinks she’s the bees-knees, Danny begs Frankie to come back to him. He offers her everything – the flat, the villa, his wallet, but not his undivided love, attention and honesty - which is really what she wants.  Danny and Adam have a bit of bruvverly bovva on the cobbles, they’re still sparring with each other over this will business and Danny does a bit of frettnin’ towards Adam.

Genna the social worker calls in on the BB household where Cilla pours her heart out and reveals that the best thing she can do as a mum for little Chesney is to support Les becoming his dad.  At least I think that’s what happened. I was watching this at my mum’s house and the telly lost the signal and the by the time it came back on Les, Ches, Cilla and Genna were all just about in tears and there were hugs all round. “I blinkin’ love you both” says Chesney.  There’s celebrations to be had when Genna rings Cilla to say she’s approving the BBs for adoption.  The cheap beers are cracked open and the Quo is played loud as Cilla and the wonderful Yana do the Riverdance on the carpet and Ches’ little heart swells with family pride.

Becky’s been made homeless as she can’t afford her rent so Fiz begs a wages advance from the boss. “She’s desperate, Mr Baldwin” says Fiz, “She’s desperate, Dan”. There was some wonderful dialogue form Jonathan Harvey all the way through this episode.   Kelly offers to take Becky into the flat with her and Lloyd until she sorts herself out but she’s only been there two minutes and she’s already dampened their ardour (I love that phrase).

And that’s just about that for this week.


May 8, 2006

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. You’ll have noticed that this week’s update is being sent later than usual. Next week’s will be the same.  And so let’s crack on without any further ado, with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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It’s Adam’s 18th birthday and there’s a party at Jamie’s house. Ken and Deirdre pop in for a drink: “Can you smell drugs?” Ken asks his missus as Sally does “Oops Upside Your Head” on the carpet and everyone boogies to the Nolans.  Sean has a quiet word with Adam in the backyard about losing his dad and he tells Sean he hates living with the Barlows and wants to kick out at something, or someone.  That someone ends up being Danny who Adam clobbers round the chops on the cobbles and Danny ends up with a black eye - although his pride’s been hit worse than his face.  Meanwhile, Leanne larges it in the factory as Danny’s PA and the girls hit her up for a cappuccino machine instead of instant from the kettle. “I’ll draft a memo” says Leanne without having the faintest idea of what she’s talking about.

Sophie and Chesney stick a burger down the radiator at Roys Rolls and there’s a right old pong in the cafe for days but nobody knows where the whiff’s coming from.  As Vera struggles in the smelly café, Jack feels sorry enough for his missus that he even lends a hand and sweeps all the floor doings into a pile. In comes Norris who slips on the rubbish and lands in an awkward position with strains and sprains. He’s carted off to th’ospital and is released in a wheelchair and a bad mood.  He has poor Rita running up and down the stairs at the flat doing things for him, taking him to the toilet and carting him across the cobbles to the pub.  When Roy returns to find his pride and joy cafe shut down by the Environmental Health Inspector because the mouldy burger has attracted mice and Norris threatening to sue over his fall, well he’s not best pleased, as you can imagine.

Emily moans to Norris that she heard Rita carousing with Archie all night and they’ve eaten her big bag of twiglets she was saving for a special occasion.  But then Blanche gossips that Archie was the reason Keith and Audrey have split up, and of course Rita overhears. She sails past Archie and Audrey in her big plastic mac when she spies them chatting in the Street and gets in a right to-do.  Old enough to know better not to fight over a fella, even one with his own teeth and a bit of hair left, Audrey and Rita make friends and Archie tells them he’s not looking for love, just friendship.  Rita says she’s fine with this but Audrey reveals she’s after something more. 

Becky irons Lloyds underpants which seems a good enough reason to me for them to tell her to sling her hook from their flat. She tells them it’s fine then breaks down in tears before deliberately burning Kelly’s best top with the iron.

And Nathan moved in with Frankie this week. The pair of them find it a bit awkward as they sit side by side on the sofa so take their uneasiness to the pub for a pint and hot pot.  Always a good thing to do.

Sorry it’s late and short and sweet this week. Next week’s will be the same too.


May 15, 2006

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.  Next week the update will be brought to you by the very lovely Janet Waterhouse.  I’ve watered the weekly update office plant, bought her a new cushion for the weekly update chair and left a pile of chocolate biscuits next to the weekly update kettle.  I’ll be back with you the week after next. But now, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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Roy’s relieved when the café gets a clean bill of health and it reopens to serve up the people of the parish with their bacon barm-cake fix.  Vera asks Roy if she’ll get paid for the time that the café was closed.  Trying (very, very hard) not to belt her round the head with his freshly scrubbed frying pan, Roy replies in measured tones that as she was the one responsible for closing him down in the first place, then, no, Vera, no, she will not be getting paid.
There’s something underhand at Underworld. Fiz and Leanne’s purses go missing, then Sally’s engagement ring. In the Rovers, Blanche loses her purses too and the finger of suspicion falls heavily on Kelly’s head (it’d be the weight, I’d say, of a full lemon squeezy jif, not so heavy as to knock you out, but heavy enough so you know it’s there). All the stolen loot turns up in Kelly’s locker but it’s barmy Becky who’s stolen them and put them there to fit her old mate up. Becky’s the sort of girl that we had in our school, you probably had one of them in yours, who put fear in the first years, the frighteners on the school truancy officer and scared the living hell out of the teachers.  Anyway, Kelly’s carted off to the cop shop where she’s grilled and roasted and served with contempt.  Back at the flat, Becky comes on to Lloyd and tries to snog him in the soft furnishings. He pushes her away and chucks her out on her ear. Joanne’s the only one who believes Kelly’s innocent as she’s shunned by Sean and the factory girls.

Rita responds to Norris barking out commands from his wheelchair.  Ooh, it was just like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, but in colour and on cobbles.  When he can finally pull himself together instead of Rita doing it for him, Norris goes on a date with a woman called Helen.  Well, she seems nice enough and Rita and Emily enjoy the gossip when they spy her coming to his flat.  After Norris takes Helen on an afternoon out he takes her back to his flat where they find they’ve got much in common. They both wrote fan letters to Stephanie Beacham and are united in their grief at not receiving a reply.  (Jonathan Harvey is fast becoming my favourite Corrie writer).  But when Helen suggests a dirty weekend in London, Norris turns all no-no and says he won’t go-go.  He retrieves Helen’s coat from the cupboard and tells her to go, walk out the door, don’t turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore.  But as the cupboard door swings open, it reveals Rita with a feather boa on her head who was hiding in there. She’d gone into her old flat for a snoop around while Norris was out and now she’s been found out. Norris, to say the very least, is not best pleased. And Helen takes her leave wondering where Norris’ next floozy will turn up – underneath the kitchen sink?  Wonderful stuff and very funny indeed.

Gail receives more cards but the spooky thing is one of them hasn’t been posted, it just turns up on the kitchen table while David’s off school sick and asleep upstairs.  There’s a red smudge on the back of the card, possibly blood, which puzzles Gail until David reveals he’s got a paper cut on his finger.  Chunk! Chunk! Chunk! The pieces of the puzzle fall into place on Gail’s head (this one would be the weight, I’d say, of an old fashioned tea-pot, possibly brown, not heavy enough to knock you out, but heavy enough so you know it’s there) and she starts suspecting her own son of being the secret card sender.   

And Kev invites Craig to tea at the Websters without asking Sally for permission three weeks in advance with a written request, in triplicate, on a flower-scented notelet.  She takes the huff and hits the roof (why?, Sally, why?) and tells Kev that if he’s going to invite every stray dog and orphan of Weatherfield for tea then he can blinkin’ well do the cooking himself. So he does.
And elsewhere this week, over at Streetcars Claire’s on the switch and takes the hump with the drivers for smoking in the cab office. 

And that’s just about that for this week.  It’s over to Janet next week.


May 22, 2006

This weeks update written by Janet Waterhouse.

Hello again everyone – First of all, my apologies for the lateness of this report.  Things  conspired against me so that I did not begin to watch my week’s episodes  until this Saturday.  Perhaps there was a little bit of a rebellious streak  against the interminable Richard Hillman card thing whilst I searched in  vain for a glimpse of Eileen.  However, that seems to have drawn to a  conclusion this week – hurrah!  As I tuck into Janet’s Hot Pot (recipe  available upon request!), here’s the latest Corrie doings …

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To prove that spring has finally arrived in the UK mere weeks before the  beginning of summer, this report opens with Gail sitting on Maxine’s  Memorial Bench with evidence of daffodils blooming in the planter.  She  returns home, claiming she went out for milk as David glance at the two  bottles on the table.  He encourages her not to let Phil get to her but she  replies that she feels better finally knowing who is to blame as she walked  to the back door looking for lambs gambolling in Keith’s back yard or  perhaps planning a barbeque with drinks.

Claire wants to discuss baby names whereas all Ashley can think about is his other baby, the one Matt Ramsden is trying to take away.  The excitement of feeling the baby kick is diminished proportionately for the poor lass as yet again Ash misses an ante-natal class to go to the solicitor.  Bev is drafted in as a replacement which isn’t the solution that Claire nor indeed Shelley wanted as she’s down in the dumps about not being the first to provide a grandbabby.

Emily feels awkward about saying something to Rita about leaving her tights in the sink … again.  It’s a problem she doesn’t have with Norris who obviously immediately hangs his on a line in his bedroom.  Rita starts on a successful campaign to have her flat back.  Shortly thereafter, Norris is round to the shop in search of a strong cleaner to remove that nasty reddish brown stain he’s found in the bathroom.  Luckily for the nation’s sensibilities, it turns out to be hair colour (permanent).

Sunita has been offering Dev the chance to see the twins if only he can find someone to look after the shop in the next 10 minutes.  Steve refuses as he already has a life; Craig has to read a poem in Assembly.  Keith spots an opportunity to supplement his pension.  I’m not sure how long the profits will last as he knocks down the high prices for Sean and Blanche.  He doesn’t want to offer that too often to the latter as there was a definite frisson of pleasure from Blanche.  We didn’t follow her out of the shop, but I’m convinced she went to the pub for some red wine.

Amber reveals that her mother has accepted her boyfriend’s proposal and all three of them will be moving to Finland (Finland??) and is devastated when Dev isn’t.  Come to think of it, the fact that Dev has managed to convince Sunita to move into the house whilst he moves to the upstairs flat has put such a bloom on his cheeks that he didn’t even seem concerned that he needs to hire someone to run the shop.  Of course, this could mean that he has a job opening for more than just a shop manager.

Unable to cope with her tears, Dev discusses the situation with her mum and “great bloke” Dave and lets her stay the night. Unfortunately, Amber then starts plotting to move in permanently and tries to unpack the boxes that have been hanging round since he moved in.  He immediately puts a stop to it and Amber once again falls into a stropas only a thwarted teenage girl can. She cheers up slightly when she hears that she earn more an hour than Craig, but reverts back to type when Dev won’t give into her demands.

We immediately spot that something serious is up with Kelly as we spot her getting into a taxi without even a glimpse of thigh or décolletage.  She’s off to court on the thieving charge and deservedly feeling betrayed by someone she was trying to help.  However, on her return, she, with Joanne’s help, seems to be making some headway in convincing Sean and the factory girls that she was wrongly accused.  In fact, they all seem to be behind her (well, everyone that is except Sally), that she is emboldened enough to ask Danny for her job back.  Much to her dismay, he instead hands over her P45.

Hayley delivers an impassioned plea in defence of Kelly, to no avail.  At least, not in public.  Danny seeks Kelly out and tells her to be back at her machine on Monday.  Lloyd tries to convince her to plead guilty so that she won’t go to jail.  Kelly agonises over it all week.

Frankie is determined to have the villa as part of her divorce settlement with Danny (or, more likely Leanne) just as determined it’s not on the table.  Frankie goes to the factory to have a discussion without their solicitors being present so they can both get on with their lives.  Leanne goes from hiding behind the clothes rail to a clipboard, giving Danny evil looks as he orders her to bring coffees, then locking her out of the office. They negotiate what they each consider to be a fair settlement: Frankie gets the villa and Nathan, Danny gets the flat and the ever-expanding Leanne.  And, of course, it’s not long before the Street’s muttons make holiday plans.  Please, fingers crossed that we be spared a Bikini Street special!

Gail confides in Audrey that she believes it was David who has been responsible, but the latter is not having any of it.  So, Gail searches his room and finds a card.  I must be a suspect too, as I often buy generic cards so I have something on hand just in case I forget a date.  Over-reacting, she screams at him to clean his room as it’s a disgrace.  Good thing he doesn’t share with Emily and Norris.  She sets a trap, telling David that this Friday is Richard’s birthday and she’s expecting something nasty in the post.  The way she has treated her children as devil’s spawn over the years, it can’t be half as bad as what she sees in the mirror each morning.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think she’s turned into Ivy Tilsley?

Just how many postal deliveries a day does the Street get?  Every other scene has Gail dashing home and sorting through the bills and flyers.  Just as she’s relieved to be proved wrong and David is not responsible, Keith knocks on the door with a card that’s been wrongly delivered to his house.

Gail is then forced to reveal to David that she set him up as his face drops – he admits it was him and thought that it was funny.  In a storyline twist that I admit I didn’t see coming, Gail decides that she’s the one to blame for David being psychotic.  After all, how would a normal teenager behave when she brings home one dodgy bloke after another?  He’s a bad lad because she’s a bad mother.  Obviously, the ever-missing Bethany doesn’t stand much of a chance then.  In the tradition of Tracy being upstairs in her room for two years, I wonder if this means she will show up as a completely different face in the future.

David tries to make amends by taking Gail a cup of tea, even though Mothering Sunday was weeks ago, but she tells him that it will take a lot more than that to make up for his actions.  That’s a cup of tea and a couple of chocolate digestives, then. David blames the whole episode on teenage angst – no one listens or pays  attention to him unless he does something wrong.  Nope, it didn’t make sense to us either.  In our house, we thought it far more likely that it was Sarah plotting to provide a reason why Jason should move into the house. He claims that he won’t do it again.  Well, of course not, we would all know exactly who sent it.  When Audrey finds out, she bursts in and clouts him hard round the ear as Gail tries to defend him.  It turns out that she does have a plan, she’s going to love bomb him, much to the disgust of her mother and daughter.  Audrey threatens Gail to put a stop to it before she does.  What’s she going to do … call the Social?  Audrey tells Gail not to call her when David starts up a satanic cult.  Well, she doesn’t really but we all knew that’s what she was thinking.

The police show up.  Both Gail and David assume Audrey is responsible, however it was just to let them know they have taken Phil into custody  The officer doesn’t understand why Gail doesn’t want to press charges but we couldn’t understand why the lab was taking so long in running tests on the bloodstain found on the last card.  This would never happen on CSI.

Setting a good example to her wayward son, Gail lies to the police and sends him on his way.  She can hardly push the officer out of the door fast enough to start on the next bottle of white (the women on the Street, of course, only drink red when they fancy a bit of the other).  Sharp-eyed Blanche hobbles as fast as she can down the Street to let Audrey know the police had come visiting again.

Minutes later, Gail changes her mind and drags David down to the police station.  Finally, David gets the telling off he deserves and that’s where we finish for this week.

So until next time, I‘ve had a bit of a clean out of the drinks fridge and hoovered up round the chair.  Glenda, I’ve sewn a few throw cushions to replace the ones John Dean ruined when he spilled some lamb curry on them and there’s a box of Tunnock’s in the wall safe awaiting your return.  Hello’s and comments to

May 29, 2006

Many thanks to Janet Waterhouse for last week’s update. I must say, the weekly update office has never looked so tidy since she left it spick and span although that cushion has never been right since John Dean was last in here.  Remember, you can find out more about John, Janet and Richard - the stand-in weekly updaters (and about me) - on the weekly updates website at  Anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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As the dust settles in Gail’s house, young David Pratt gets off with a light scolding from mum and grandma before he’s whisked off to sweep up hair in the salon to keep him out of trouble during half-term.  David lies to Craig and Rosie that Phil the foot fella’s the card sender and when Gail finds out, she’s not best pleased.  What David needs (apart from a kick up the backside), I reckon, is a girlfriend. It’ll control his hormones, put a smile on his face and clear his spots up, and, who knows, the lucky girl might just enjoy receiving cards.

There’s more teenage troubles over at the corner shop when Amber wheedles her way into Dev’s life and his flat.  Hayley’s all for taking in young Amber and letting her live in the Cropper’s spare room. Roy’s against the idea but goes along with his wife’s plan when he sees how much it means to her.  As the Croppers bring their offer to Dev’s corner shop, Amber receives a message on her phone from Dev in a language she best understands asking her if she wnts 2 muv in2 the flt wivvim? Like, yeah, she’s in there, innit.  Great stuff, I’m dead happy to see Amber given a more permanent part of the street.  She even cooks Dev chicken aloo gobi but forgets about the chicken - and the, er, gobi.

As the football under Claire’s jumper starts to kick, it’s the other little Peacock that Ashley is concerned with.  They all trundle off to family court where Dr Matt the too-tall doctor argues for contact with “his” son.  Ashley denies Matt a DNA test and the court adjourns for a report to be made and a second hearing to be held.  All rise for the judge and please file out in silence.

Elsewhere in the court building, Kelly pleads guilty even though she’s innocent of the factory thefts.  So if someone is innocent but pleads guilty does that mean they’re lying under oath and can’t they get beheaded or something for that?  I don’t understand, do you?  Anyway, Kelly feels that Lloyd hasn’t supported her as well as she would have liked her fella to do and it’s true he’s been a bit feckless. She packs her bags and leaves him and he sends Steve to do his matchmaking for him once he realises how much he misses her.  As Steve and Ronnie argue in the street over how much he’s been helping out Kelly, Ronnie rides off in her cab with a flick of her curls and a whiff of hair lacquer.

Sean’s aunty Betty (“legs like Cyd Charisse, face like Sid James”) dies and he has to get in touch with his estranged father to break the news to him over the phone. Sean’s not seen his dad since he was a nipper as his parents divorced, leaving a dad-shaped hole in his life. 

Keith’s got troubles when the rain comes in the house through his leaky roof.  There’s a hole in my roof, dear builder, dear Charlie. Use a bucket, dear Keith, use a bucket, and so on, ad infinitum etc.  When Charlie gives Keith the bill for fixing his roof Keith knows it’s too much for him to pay (why didn’t he give it to  the landlord as anything structural wouldn’t have been Keith’s responsibility as a tenant?).  Never one to let the facts get in the way of a good storyline, Corrie then had Charlie up on Keith’s roof removing the tiles until the bill gets paid.  Keith calls the police who say they can’t do owt and advises him to ring the landlord, which he does.  Charlie collars Keith round the back of the builders yard and throws him up against the wall, threatening him that the bill has to be paid.  

Still in nasty mode (when is he not?) Charlie then takes Tracy out for dinner. She’s upset as she couldn’t find one of her new shoes so she flings the other one out.  Over pasta and cheap wine in the pizza place on the precinct, the one with the checky red tablecloths, Charlie gives Tracy the other shoe she was missing, telling her it’s his revenge for her fake abortion scam.

And that’s just about that for this week.


Written By Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.
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