November 6, 2006

Well, we really should stop meeting like this. But as you're here, let's crack on with this weeks' Coronation Street update.

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After David's dunking last week at the hands of Charlie Stubbs (I know it's evil but every time I think about it, it still makes me smile) David heads back to school, too scared to hang around the street.  Gail's over the moon that David's back at school but she still knows nowt about the Charlie water torture. She calls in the family counsellor to sort them out and they all gather round in the living room as a nice woman called Simone helps the Platt's unload their hangups into her holdall. Audrey's sceptical (I think she's on tablets for it) but agrees to sit in on the sessions: "We're a nice little family, reehlah" she says while David twitches on the sofa, Gail tries not to cry and Sarah itches to be round at Jason's. Or anyone's for that matter.

Since he came back last week, Bill Webster's caused nothing but trouble and it's great!  He gets the lads into trouble when he takes Kevin and Tyrone to a lap dancing club. Molly grounds Tyrone - at home, not into pieces - and Sally whips Kev with the tea-towel which, my guess is, he secretly enjoyed. Bill leads Audrey astray too with a few drinks in the Rovers, although it's far to say that Audrey has never needed much persuasion where there's a fella and a free drink involved.  And if the two things come along at the same time, so much the better.

That big girl of a blouse, Jamie, has been mooching aruond after step-mum Frankie all week. He sends her love letters, tries to kiss her and she doesn't try to stop him. It's all so very wrong.  And yet, it isn't, if you know what I mean. It's not like it's illegal, it's just a bit yuck.  Frankie tells Danny she wants to go and live in Spain, without telling Danny the real reason why. When Jamie finds out he tells Danny not to go to Spain and they'll reunite and become one big happy family, without telling Danny the real reason why.  When Danny finds out what's going on he's going to be in a right old two and eight, innit.  By then, I might just have stopped caring, who knows?

It's all change on the cobbles as Charlie chucks Maria out of the flat and she moves in with Fiz. Tracy moves out of Charlie's house and in with Deirdre and Ken who worry and fret about their wayward daughter. Heaven knows why when any sensible parent would have stopped answering the door when she comes round by now, changed the locks, moved to Australia in the dead of night.  Charlie dumps Tracy's stuff in bin bags and tells her she's not moving back in, oh, but she does. In full warpaint and armed for battle with the bully-boy builder, she sweet talks her way back into the house and Charlie's life, intent on revenge.  Charlie reckons he knows what she's up to and when he tells her he knows her little plan she just acts dumb. (Play to your strengths, Tracy).  Good line of the week was when Tracy saw Roy Cropper staring at her in the street after the palaver last week over Maria and Charlie. "You're bonkers, you know that?" she yells over at Roy. "Yes" he replies. "I've suspected it on ocassion".  I love Roy, he's brill and is being much underused.

Cilla decides to have a boob job to enhance her, erm, natural assets up top.  "What size do you want them?" she asks dozy Les who last week told her she didn't need to change, he loved her the way she was, and this week runs into Dev's shop comparing melons to grapefruit for his ideal size wife-boobies while thankfully dismissing the red pepper shaped veg.  The wonderful Yana goes with her mate to see the doc but Cilla comes out of the clinic having changed her mind and won't tell Yana or Les why. Not yet, anyroad.

Hayley starts voluntary work at the local out-reach centre, teaching adult literacy to ex-offenders where she bumps into Becky, local menace of the parish. Is Becky possibly the scariest woman villian that Corrie's ever had?  She's been in prison for the last three months and there's violence under her finger nails as, fag in hand and mence in mind, she pesters Hayley who's too scared to return the following week.

And as Jack Duckworth's 70th birthday looms, Vera wants to organise a bit of a do. All Jack wants is a bit of peace and quiet and the racing on the telly so Vera's not best pleased. She's put an ad in the Gazette and wants her money's worth of party but Jack's not having it, no. So Vera decides to head off to celebrate his birthday without him and she, Molly and Fiz tell Jack they're off to Amsterdam on a mini-break with flights they got for 10p? 10p?  I once got a flight to Cornwall for 99p but I can't beat 10p.

And that's just about that for this week.


November 13, 2006

Without any ado, further or otherwise, let’s crack on with this weeks’ Coronation Street update.

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Scummy mummy Gail Platt starts parenting classes on the advice of her family counsellor after only Gail turns up for the psycho-sessions at home.  A big fella with 'Steve' on a label (Avery L7163) stuck on his jumper asks the small group at the class to make a sound expressing exactly how they feel. He takes the lead with an expressive sort of yawn and then asks Gail to go for it, to do her stuff, make her noise.  Her face tells you she wishes she was somewhere else entirely (although perhaps not in the passenger seat of a car plunging into the canal) as the noise I’d expect a cat to make if it was having its tadger chopped off, starts to enter the room.   She then has to harangue one of the group members as if he were David, letting rip of all her emotions and pent up frustrations onto this er, volunteer, telling him everything she wishes she could tell David. But when it gets to the bit where she’s saying “.. and I’m sorry I brought the murdered into your life…” Steve the label man sits Gail down firmly in her chair and backs of, a bit scared.

It’s Jack’s 70th birthday and he wants no fuss so Vera packs her bags and sets off for a girly trip to Amsterdam with Molly and Fiz. After they’ve gone, Tyrone and Kirk drag Jack to the Rovers where they’ve got a stripper booked.  When the lights go out in the pub, in walks Vera with a cake, she hadn’t gone away after all and the stripper heads in just as Kirkeh chucks her out before Vera finds out.  Everyone raises their glasses in a birthday toast but Jack insists the toast goes to both of them, to Vera and Jack. Glasses up! To Vera and Jack!

Ken’s had enough of Norris’ bickering and bitching in the Kabin: “You make Mussolini look like Mary Poppins!” he yells before walking out, leaving Norris to struggle with the People’s Friend and sherbet dib-dabs all by himself.  Blanche helps  out when Norris needs what he called a comfort break but we know he went to the loo. While he’s up there, Blanche helps herself to free fudge and then Emily helps him until Rita returns. Speaking of Rita, she’s still in Hungary with her foot up, itching for an Eccles cake.  Hungry in Hungary, by all accounts.

Bill takes Audrey for a night at the dogs and the two of them share pork scratchings and pints before heading back to ‘his place’ (that’ll be Kev and Sally’s front room then?).  As Bill fumbles in the Webster’s back yard for his door key, he bends over and Audrey, not one to miss an opportunity, nips his bum!  This was a wonderful touch, which Sophie spies from her bedroom window and Bill says he’ll give her a fiver if she’ll keep schutm.  As Bill leads Audrey into the house, the two of them snog by the Webster’s back entry.  He then heads back to Germany after kissing Audrey in the snug and she leaves for Canada to see son Steven.

Becky bursts into Roy’s Rolls, all fag end and dog rough. She wants Hayley to give her a reference for a job, a request that Hayley’s too scared to refuse and Roy runs up the stairs for a pen and some paper as quick as you like, wanting Becky done with and away.  When Norris and Blanche spy Becky outside the café, they tell the factory girls the news and Kelly’s not best pleased. She storms round just in time to see Hayley and Becky getting on the Weatherfield Wayfarer en route to the adult literacy class Hayley’s teaching to Becky and other assorted ex-offenders.

Liz and Steve take over the Rovers and it’s all systems go, the boat’s pushed out with a lock-in and there’s free drinks all round.  Liz wants to sack Michelle but Steve wants to keep her. The one thing they can agree on is that Bev has to go. She’s still drinking at the end of the bar, glass in one hand, fondling Fred’s urn with the other.  Steve tells Bev she has to move out as Michelle and son Ryan are moving in, away from their hovel of a home. It’s a lie of course and it finds its way back to Steve who gets the evil eye from Liz, Michelle and an exasperated Eileen, fresh from being welded into her seat at a hard shift in Streetcars.  Steve eyeballs the lot of them with: “What? What have I done now, eh?”   Betty’s been in the Rovers long enough to see landlords and landladies come and go, and sometimes come back. She’ll cope with Liz and Steve like she’s coped with the rest of them by doing what she does best – she has a right good moan. This time it’s about putting pot-pourri in the ladies loos so when she finds out that someone’s been sick after trying to eat the stuff, her wisdom will come back to haunt Liz.  Vernon turns up, downcast in a hat with a wilted bunch of flowers and a red balloon that says I Luv Liz.  “I’ve been in a dark place since I left you” he says, probably Bradford. “I’ve lost my rhythm, lost my rascals, lost my Liz”.  After a bit of schmoozing in the snug, Liz takes him back, as you knew she would. I love Vernon and welcome his return, he's the only man in Corrie to turn being feckless into an art form.

Danny takes Frankie and Jamie out for a slap up Sunday lunch, pops a ring into some fizz and pops the question to Frankie. “Francesa, will you marry me? Again?” She says yes but her face says no. Jamie moans to Sean who listens with the patience of a saint while sitting on a barrel in the Rovers back yard.  What a nasty little business this Danny-Frankie-Jamie triangle is.

Tracy starts to cosy up to Claire, the woman she once called a Care-Bear with Tog Rating 15. She also once said if Claire and Ashley ever had a child it would have the personality of  a frying pan and the voice of Tweety-pie.   Tracy’s forcing herself to do the friend thing (something that doesn’t come naturally to Ms Barlow-no-mates) so she’ll have at least one credible witness when she does the nasty to Charlie Stubbs and does him in over Christmas. Oooh, I can hardly wait.

And that’s just about that for this week.


November 20, 2006

Greetings and welcome, come in and sit down. The kettle’s just boiled and the tea’s almost ready so sit back relax and without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie stuff, have a look at :

The factory girls are revolting, especially Janice Battersby, and aren’t best pleased with Hayley for getting friendly with Becky. Undeterred, Hayley gives Becky a job in Roy’s Rolls but is she being too kind? Roy seems to think so and has a word with Becky about chewing while working although she reckons the mastication helps her concentration. She drops stuff, hits the customers, changes the wireless dial from Radio Fogey to Slapper FM and smacks Les around the chops when he badmouths Roy and then she tries to fiddle Tyrone out of a fiver. The factory girls almost boycott Becky in the café and threaten to take their sandwich order elsewhere but Hayley says everyone deserves a second chance. She’s too kind, that Hayley, too kind.

As Danny plans a Spanish wedding and peruses brochures about buying a villa, Jamie and Frankie have hanky-panky behind his back and upstairs in the bedroom. As mum and stepson snuggle under the duvet, Danny’s downstairs knocking at their front door wondering where the pair of them are. Danny was planning to cook dinner for his wife to be and his son but they’ve already dined in the kitchen of lurve.  Jamie’s all for telling Danny and finally Frankie agrees but just as they’re about to give Danny the bad news, in walks tanfastic Warren, back in Blighty from Spain for footy talks with Port Vale. “Buenosh Diash” he says in that way that he does, and “Cushty”. I was hoping he’d ask where his Candy-girl was but he doesn’t seem to care that she’s naffed off with The Quo.  Anyway,  Danny takes his boys and his missus to the Italian in the precinct, the one with the checky red tablecloths and emotions run high. It must be something in the pizza. Danny’s kept in the dark, for now.

Michelle and Steve nickname Vernon “pervy pot-man” when Liz gives him a job collecting glasses in the pub. She wants him up and down the stairs with the mixers and the barrels, while he wants a quiet life and a place to rest his head.  But he’s not that daft as he knows if he wants someone to live and keep on the right side of Liz, he’ll have to make it at least look like he’s working, even if he isn’t.   Steve has a word with Vernon in the back room about his intentions towards Liz. “She rings my bell, she blows my horn.” Vernon tells him, which is probably a bit more information than Steve really wanted to hear.

Gail’s parenting classes seem to be doing some good as she calms down her warring kids as they try to knock ten bells out of each other on the sofa.  David gets Gail watching Formula One racing on telly and mum and son settle down on the sofa, watching it together in the living vroom.

Bev moves in with the Peacocks, a mother hen in a cooped up pen.  To escape her clutches, Claire’s only too happy to take up Tracy Barlow’s offer of friendship next door. By ‘eck, she must be desperate. Tracy makes on as if Charlie will perform unspeakable acts upon her person in a violent sort of manner if her cooking, cleaning and domestic goddess skills aren’t up to scratch.  Her evil plan is working when Claire confides to Ashley and Bev that she’s starting to feel concerned (when she’s really being conned).   Having decided to rechristen baby Thomas to Freddie, Claire and Ashley decide on godparents in Eileen and Roy. Hayley’s put out that she hasn’t been asked and is just a bit too enthusiastic with the slapping on Eileen’s back as she chokes on her crisps when the Peacocks ask her to accompany Roy.

Cilla starts behaving oddly doing things she’s never done before like cooking for her family and taking them out for Sunday lunch. Fiz smells a rat, she knows something’s up but Cilla denies there’s anything going on.  Cilla even tidies the house which makes Chesney upset  when she clears up his under-bed fungus collection.   Les asks Eileen about, you know, women’s troubles and lowering his voice to a whisper in case anyone should hear him speak of ladies unmentionables, asks Eileen if Cilla might be going through the change.  “The Chains?” asks Eileen before kicking Les out of the cab office after giving him a good yelling at. Well, he did suggest Eileen might have been through it too.

And that’s just about that for this week.


November 27, 2006

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week the update invites you to come in, sit down, relax and as always, have a cuppa and a biscuit.  Indeed, help yourself to anything you fancy from the pantry. No dear, I said pantry. The update this week is brought to you freshly brewed, still with its own teeth and in its own words. It’s coming directly to you there from me here, comfy in the weekly update chair that’s got a new cushion. And so, sharing a big mug of tea and a Tunnocks tea-cake with all its readers, it’s without any further ado that I bring you this week’s Coronation Street update.

If you'd like your weekly update with pictures and fun Corrie stuff, have a look at :

Cilla’s got bad news but she’s keeping it close to her very ample chest. Les thinks her silence signals some sub-duvet shenanigans with someone else and he asks The Wonderful Yana if she thinks her mate Cilla’s having an affair. Yana says na-na, she’d know if she was but that doesn’t stop Les and Yana getting cosy in the snug while Cilla’s at home frettin’ about stuff. It’s their wedding anniversary so Les throws caution to the wind and lays the table with the good stuff (lager in glasses, not cans) for an anniversary meal of take-away Indian and Nat King Cole on CD.  An upset Cilla storms upstairs to a bath and an early night, still not telling Les what’s on her mind. We find out soon enough when Cilla gets the low down from a doc at th’ospital who tells her she’s got skin cancer.  Last week it was called a mole and this week a melanoma that’s been sent off for biopsy. She still doesn’t tell anyone and Les and Yana comfort each other on the sofa with cheap brandy before Les throws Cilla out onto the street, believing she’s back to her old ways and her men.  With nowhere to go, Cilla finally tells Fiz the truth, up in her flat.

Becky’s mate Slug turns up in the café. He’s sort of scruffy, a little bit whoah, a little bit whay, exactly what you’d expect of a companion to Becky, being of the male persuasion, in a dirty anorak and with an odd dog on a lead. Hayley has a word with her about nicking money from the caff. “I ‘avurrnt!” she says. She has. She’s nicked twenty quid but Hayley’s words have some sort of effect and Becky manages to miraculously find a tenner under the fridge in Roy’s Rolls and then another five appears when a customer gives it to her as a tip, or so she says.   Mind you, she starts calling Vera ‘Vezza’ which would have landed her a clip round the lug hole if Vera had been younger.  Becky does well in the caff when the Croppers leave her to cope on her own, she’s a bit louder than the customers are used to, a bit more common and tacky than Roy may like his serving staff to be, but she’s doing okay. “Who’re you gonna call? Toast-busters!” she yells as Hayley and Roy return.  She’s enthusiastic, you’ve got to give her that, and becoming good fun to watch.

In the Rovers, the factory girls play darts against the Underworld bosses (that’s Danny and Liam not Don Corleone).  At stake in the match is the factory Christmas rave-up-knees-up and Janice saves the day when she throws the winning dart. There were grumblings from across the living room in our house when he who knows about darts – and indeed has medals to prove it – that the game wasn’t played right, but it looked fine to me.  My only connection to darts was a poem I once wrote about a game with the arrows and I had to stand up to read it out to a small group on a bleak Saturday morning in an even more bleak north-east community centre. It was all about bulls’ eyes, bleeding, and the creative writing tutor looked more than a bit alarmed. But anyway, I digress.  Liam consoles brother Paul and tells him he’ll have to dip his hand into his pocket to fork out for festive fun for the females (and Sean) but Paul tells him that he had two reasons for wanting the girls to win. The first was to raise staff morale among the knicker stitchers and t’other was to get one over on Danny-boy Baldwin. Good point.

Speaking of Danny, he found out this week, and about time too, that Jamie and Frankie were an item, a two-some, a mother and son team in more ways than one.   There’s some shouting, some crying and then a fight in the canal when Danny tried to kill Jamie under the water. Frankie stands on the bank side like a newbie football fan not knowing which team to shout for. Is it Danny she wants? Jamie?  She shouts out for Danny but when Jamie doesn’t surface from under the water she realises it’s him she really loves. Danny has to go back under the water to pull Jamie out and Frankie gives her son the kiss of life. Or was she snogging his face off? Who knows?   Driven to the brink of a mental breakdown, Danny drives himself to the edge of the viaduct, depressed as can be. And just when you think things can’t get any worse, Warren rings him on the phone all the way from sunny Spain.  “Orwight dad, ah didden gettinter Port Vale. Cushty, buenosh nachos”.

Rita returns full of hell from Hungary, gunning for Norris and in a foul mood. Oh, and did I mention she wasn’t best pleased?  “A Bread Roll?” huffs Emily in the Kabin just like Lady Bracknell when Rita regales her with the tale of the breakfast buffet and how Norris knocked her out of the way to get to the bread, breaking her foot and ruining her holiday.  Norris has the decency to feel a little alarmed and somewhat apologetic so nips out to the shops to buy Rita some trainers, the most comfortable pair of shoes she’s ever had, or so she says. That is, until she finds out they’re kids’ shoes that light up each time the shoe hits the ground. It’s time Rita put her foot down with Norris - but each time she does, her shoe lights up pink!  Norris is beside himself with rage when he finds graffiti on the Kabin wall. He has to have a half of bitter in the pub to numb the pain and is determined to find out just who the culprit is, wrongly assuming it’s Chesney.

And that's just about that for this week.


By Glenda Young
, writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.
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