The Weatherfield Players have been badly hit by dwindling audiences at their recent performances and have held an emergency meeting to discuss their options. Recent market research polls amongst their intended audience revealed that the Weatherfield Players were not considered up to date enough; they were even described as being "old hat". It became clear that if the Weatherfield Players were to continue at all then they would have to capture a new, youthful audience - one which currently prefers the lure of the cinema. The Players were up against competition from gritty, hard-hitting, all-action, adventure thrillers so this is obviously where they had to direct their focus.

The action plan was drawn up. The Players were at a turning point and would have to adopt a completely different style and drop the kind of work which had kept them going for all these years. Their old, loyal audience would just have to get used to the new-look Players even though some of the stalwarts were to be dropped. Clearly a management re-org had to take place - they needed someone to take them forward into the "minellium" and help them drop their "old fogey" image. A new director was brought in to liven things up (I didn't catch his name but it sounded strangely like "Brain in the Dark"!). His first steps were very dramatic and all-encompassing - there would be BIG changes and the Weatherfield Players would be going all-out in their attempt to spice up their offerings and compete with the London-based groups. "This is no-holds-barred war" declared Dark "No-one takes on the Weatherfield Players and wins if I can help it. May the best wham-bam-shock-horror troupe win!"

And so, ladies and gentlemen, there follows the synopsis for the revamped Weatherfield Players' next performance, tentatively titled "Desperation Street (in Weatherfield no-one can hear you scream)"

The piece opens with Jim McDonald having breakfast at number 11. He is opening the morning mail and slits open a large brown envelope to reveal a small tape recorder and a large, black-and-white photograph. Switching on the recorder he is surprised to hear an Ohio accent - it's Stephen Reid. He makes the following announcement. "Jim, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to convince anyone at all that the woman in the enclosed photograph is a sexy, alluring, fantastically glamorous female whose storyline we should all actually care about. This recorder will self-destruct in 10 seconds and the soap itself will self-destruct in about 6 months". At that point the recorder explodes in a huge fireball which dramatically kills off his son Andy (who, although young, is not considered "hip" enough for the new audience). Jim looks at the photograph and very nearly loses the breakfast he has just finished. It's Liz McDonald with puckered lips, showing a bare leg and as much cleavage as she can muster in a sheer, black negligee, obviously purchased from the "Victoria's Secret" catalogue. "Yikes! I only wish that Victoria had kept schtum!" thinks Jim. "I haven't felt this ill since I last watched Eastenders. This is definitely a mission impossible"

He decides to begin his quest at the Rover's Return since he is convinced that the lecherous Jack will surely express an interest in the lascivious lovely. However it is very early and he finds that Jack is still in bed. He tip-toes into the bedroom and wakes him up gently. "Jack, I've got something to show you but be quiet 'cos I don't want to wake up Vera". "That's OK" says Jack, "Vera's not here. She went away for the weekend". "Oh! Then what's that lump under the covers on the other side of the bed?". Jack pulls back the duvet and is horrified to discover a severed horse's head lying there surrounded by gallons of blood. "Oh no!!!! It's Betty's Hot Shot! I know who did this - it was the head of the Weatherfield Mafia, Godmother Maud Grimes Corrie-leone. She's pissed off because I wouldn't install a disabled toilet in the pub. I told her 'Look, Maud, I *can't* have another toilet in the Rovers - Ken Barlow's kitchen doesn't have any more space!' - I'm sorry Jim, I can't talk now, I'll have to get Trisha to change the sheets." "That's fine" says Jim, glad to be given the opportunity to leave.

He decides to continue his quest with the aforementioned Ken Barlow - "Old Ken fancies anything in a skirt so maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to convince at least one man that Liz is a major babe". He knocks on Ken's door and Ken shows him into the living room. "How's about ye, me old mucker?" asks Jim. "Here now, what do you reckon to this tasty piece?". He shows Ken the photo of Liz. Ken gags, blanches and is just about to ask Jim to leave when the front door crashes in and they are both faced with a wild-eyed madwoman brandishing a bread knife. "Bloody hell" shouts Ken, "it's Sue Jeffers. We had a bit of a fling and she can't face it now that I want to dump her and get back with Dreary". Sue makes a Glenn-Close-style lunge at Ken while screaming "I will *NOT* be ignored!". Unfortunately she trips over one of Daniel's old toys and is thrown headfirst into the room and cracks her head against the dining room table and is killed instantly. Jim beats a hasty retreat.

He reckons that the next candidate should be Dead-Cert Sean Skinner. After all, he used to slobber all over Liz when she worked in the bookies. On his way to the betting shop however he is almost run over by the Weatherfield milk float which appears to have been hijacked. It is careering all over the cobbles and is racing down the Street at about 70mph. Jim sees that they have taken Don Brennan as hostage and have tied his ankle securely to the van to prevent his escape. What they don't realise is that they have chosen his dummy leg so he simply unscrews it and makes a kamikaze leap from the back of the float and crashes through the Wiltons' front window. The terrorist who is driving the vehicle, a hard-faced sadistic calculating schemer called Gummi, is momentarily distracted and loses control - the milk float ploughs into The Kabin at white-knuckle speed and bursts into flames. The combination of the flames, the milk and the sugary sweets in the Kabin causes a mushroom cloud of creme brulee to land on the immediate area.

Jim manages to dodge being coated in the sticky goo by diving into the betting shop just in time. "Phew, narrow escape there" he thinks. "Hey Sean, do you still think Liz is attractive and would you be interested in a long, drawn-out storyline involving her?". "No mate" replies Sean, "I'm involved with a real mysterious beauty at the moment. Sam's certainly bringing out my "basic instincts". There's something a bit worrying though - she's very beautiful but her manner is *very* cold and aloof. I'm beginning to question her sexual preferences and she keeps getting men to make parachute jumps - it's as though she's hoping the chutes won't open. I suspect that she may be a beautiful, lesbian murderess who is just toying with me. We went out for a walk in the hills a while back and she brought along an ice-pick which made me a bit nervous. Can you have a word with her and see what you think?" "No problem" replies Jim and heads into the backroom where he finds Sam Stone sitting having a cuppa. During his questioning she keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs in a very suggestive manner and Jim cannot help but notice that underneath her dress she is not wearing any thermals (this *is* Weatherfield after all). He can't take the sexual tension any longer and he runs out in a sweat.

"I know, I'll try Jameh. Young impressionable lads in their early teenage years with raging hormones find almost anything attractive". He goes to Jameh's bedroom but finds that he, Becky and Lauren are all huddled round some scientific equipment which they have pilfered from the science labs at school. Liz's photo is forgotten as the trio of schoolkids explain that they have recently unearthed some DNA dating back to the Jurassic period from the Duckworth's back yard. They have assembled a makeshift lab in the room and have read up on the processes involved in regenerating or cloning an entire entity from a single DNA cell. The four of them stand back as the recreation process begins. They look stunned as a visible form starts to take shape in front of their very eyes. "This is right good!" says Becky as the prehistoric form gets larger and larger. "Millions of years old and here it is in our back room" exclaims Jameh but they are all amazed when the process completes and has formed a perfect replica of Betty Williams (Turpinosaurus Bet). The creature lurches forward, snapping angrily at the group. It bares its teeth in a hideous snarl and screams out "Right then lovey, where are my raptors!!!" before making a break for the door, every step it takes causing the whole house to shake. Jim has to make a rush for the kitchen to distract it with a hot-pot while the kids manage to capture it in a very large net. As the police are shooting sedation drugs into the ferocious Betty, Jim decides to give up on Jameh who at this stage is clearly more interested in his scientific endeavours than in the opposite sex.

Next stop has to be the Hairdressing Salon. Jim's getting desperate and sees that his mission could be headed for disaster. "Perhaps the hairdressers will at least appreciate the "fabulous fuzz" that is Liz's hair". He leaps over to Fiona's, swerving to avoid Fred Elliot who has caught Mad Cow Disease from his beef and has taken to wearing a striped top, an old hat and a glove with blades instead of fingers. He runs up and down the cobbles, terrorising the inhabitants, shouting "Freddy's back, I say Freddy's back!" at the top of his voice and yelling incoherently about "a nightmare on Desperation Street" and that no-one will ever get a good night's sleep ever again.

Fiona and Maxine are sharing a coffee with Fiona's boyfriend Alan when Jim bursts in. "Hello girlies, isn't this a bonnie head of hair on this lassie" he asks as he passes Liz's photo across to them. "Eeeeeeeeeeek!" screams Fiona. "Arrrrggggghhhhhh" screams Maxine. They both start screaming hysterically and running about the salon in a total blind panic. So much so that Maxine somehow manages to tip the huge vat of peroxide bleach (which they always keep on-hand for Ken Barlow's regular blond streaks) all over Alan. He lets out a final scream as the bleach burns into his flesh and with his very last breath he calls 999 and orders the police to come and arrest the girls for manslaughter.

"Quick! we have to escape before the whole Manchester Police Force track us down - I couldn't stand being sent to a communal prison with Steve McDonald". The girls hastily grab a few real essentials (styling mousse, curling tongs) and make their escape. Fiona breaks into Derek Wilton's paper-clip car and they make a mad, frantic, Thelma-and-Louise dash chased by 13 police cars along the M62. They can't shake off the following mob so they double back towards Weatherfield and end up on the edge of the viaduct overlooking the Street. "Well, Max, I'm game if you are" cries Fiona as she grasps Maxine's hand. "Go for it!" says her partner so they drive at full speed over the edge of the viaduct and the car plunges downwards before landing on the Moldavian terrorists which at that point are gunning down all the people crowded round Judy Mallett's "Charity Catalogue Giftware Giveaway" stall.

Jim catches sight of Liz herself amongst the wreckage. "Of course, why didn't I think of it before? That's the *one* person who will find Liz attractive - herself!". He rushes over to her but just at that point the ground opens up and the Rovers Return disappears down a huge crevice. "Earthquake!" shouts Jim. He barks some orders at Liz, "Quick! Hands behind your head and adopt the crash position!". "Oh Nurrr" wails Liz, "that's typical. It's the only position I don't know".

Everything goes dark at that point and they both look up at the sky to see a massive, alien spaceship flying over Weatherfield in a very menacing way. The alien fleet commander beams down and delivers an indecent proposal in broken English to the cowering Irishman. "One million pounds - I sleep with her for one night". "Oh thank God" thinks Jim, "Mission accomplished. I have finally found someone who cares, who finds her sexy and attractive and is even willing to pay for the privilege". "No" replies the alien, "I mean, you pay *me* one million pounds and I might just consider it." Liz flares her nostrils at him which is enough to scare the alien back into its craft and order the fleet's immediate return to the planet KBEC at warp factor 1000.

Jim is a broken man - there is clearly no-one on the planet (or off the planet come to think of it) who cares about following Liz's storyline. She is unanimously regarded as a sorry old slapper and his mission is doomed to failure....

"ROY!! Roy! Stop daydreaming! Percy wants serving!". Gail's instructions break Roy from his daydream. He has been snoozing in the cafe for the last ten minutes or so. "Oh good grief" he exclaims. "Thank heavens all of that was a dream. The thought of all that horrible action-style ratings-oriented drama happening to the Weatherfield Players was too much to bear. Back to good old, comfortable, cosy normality now just as Brian Park wants it. Phew!".

He very carefully lifts his Marigolds, blows into them to inflate them fully (while simultaneously checking the levels of the salt cellars on the tables) and says "Now then Percy. What can I get you? - a teacake is it? Or a plowman's, oops sorry, ploughmans? How about a read of the daily paper with your tea?"

"Just open the till and hand over the cash" shouts Percy, "or Mavis Wilton gets it!" He produces a sawn-off shotgun from underneath his mac and points it defiantly in Roy's face.

"Oh hellfire!" groans Roy.......

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